phoenixbleu

[phoenixbleu]

Don't use Google translate for this because there is no sense, the translation is not correct. I'm just making my own dictionary of imaginary words, I combined different words in Bulgarian that give new silly sounding words, but have the same meaning as the original. Some of the words are accidentally created because 1-3 thoughts are running simultaneously and the speech cannot catch up with the thoughts.

Росин речник Ros's dictionary

Шкафандура: врата на шкаф (cabindormer - cabinet door)

Мекотана - мека котка (this is a diminutive when I express my love toward a cat, literal translation is soft cat, I don't know equivalent in English, maybe sofkitty or fluffkitty kittyfluffy kittyfluff, hey kittyfluff, you are such a kittyfluff, that's sounds good, sweetkit, biscuit, biskuit)

Архитектьорско майсторство - човек с архитектурни и актьорски заложби (a word I imagined for my kid, because he has architectural and artistic acting skills, architectistic mastery)

[phoenixbleu]

Mmmmm

[phoenixbleu]

Wales

It's like my favorite whales but without h for heart

Because Wales takes hearts yeah and it took mine

And I can't let go of this Welsh tune

I've might have lost my mind

And I'm trying and I'm trying and I'm trying

And I'm trying and I'm trying and I'm trying

And I'm trying and I'm trying and I'm trying

And I'm trying

To escape in various ways

But I can't

I want you, Wales

Wales

Will be my doom

I can't find my place in the room

Like a wild animal trapped

I bite when I'm sapped

I try to play dead trying to forget

I try to play dead trying to forget

I try to play dead trying to forget

You are

Ahh

AhshdjjfjfjckfktleoahVqbkdkgjfjkeke

You are skskiqosojdnfnekodofjfbdbbsbsn

Ahhhhh you are àaaaaah

Jakaosjbdbdjdkeplwkwjqjbbdnkwokd

Ahh aaaakdkkdoeorjennenebdb

I'm scared and tired

[phoenixbleu]

Different worlds

Yet quite alike in core

I know everything's a game to you

You are not the same since she left

Something in you died

And you are losing it more and more in the game

I hope you won't lose yourself completely

Don't you know that when you die

And look what you have achieved in the world

The only thing you will see

Is the face of the loved one

Nothing else will matter

All in between is a way to survive psychologically

But in the end

The face of the loved one

Will haunt you

What did you think, that I'll continue this game forever. I'm not playing games, I love you, I love you and my heart breaks. I came to remind you that you need it and to remind you to be true with yourself. And I'm listening to that song, you know what song and I'm crying and asking why Why WHY WHY WHY

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

WHY WHY WHY WHY

Why are health and career more important than being with a lover? You already trust no one. And you'll die alone or in the arms of a prostitute. You'll escape now for a while, to distract yourself. But I won't rest until I see you happy and loved. Loved not just for one night stand. And no, friends with benefits won't work, you know I can hurt those bitches, I'll drive them crazy just with my mind. I won't tolerate you sin anymore. And them, just for tempting you, they will get sicknesses that they won't know how and when they've got them. I won't tolerate them tempting you. No more mercy. God is really jealous for you, honey.

Go back to your ex, see if she still loves you and reconcile and be together. I will bless you both. Play and sing for Me and you will be blessed. If it does not work with her, because anything can happen, she has free will, then go to church, live for Me, I will find you a partner believer. But I want you first to try with your ex, because she can be saved through you.

I am really jealous for you, my son, my beloved son, you have no idea how much I love you.

When you are away, take this time to reflect on The Lord, decide who you want to be, child of God, or lose yourself to the world.

[phoenixbleu]

Smoke?

He pulled out a cigarette

She took the cigarette from his month and the whole pack from his hand and threw them away

Wtf

You won't smoke

Who told you that, I'm gonna buy now a new pack

No

Whatch me

He is going, she grabs him with her hands from his back to stop him and they start fighting, she crawls on the ground with her hands around his legs while he is trying to walk

I'm gonna kick you in the face if you don't let me go

I don't care

Stop, leave me alone, don't fuck with me, you wanna fuck with me, want me to fuck you that you won't be able to stand up from the ground ever again

She keeps fighting not letting him go buy cigarettes

That's it, he is about to kill her when..

She grabs his throat like pliers

He starts shocking

Fucking bitch, he manages to take off her hand, we have to be realistic, he is stronger than her, but still she is tough, there is this adrenaline that makes her strong as steel

She is fighting, fucking tough bitch

There is no other way, he hits her head with his head, she faints

When she woke up he had already smoked a whole pack and thrown the butts on her

There are tables and metallic chairs in front of the small shop and he is sitting at one of the tables

You are lucky I did not kill you

That's your problem, you have too much conscience for others, never for yourself. And I have no conscience for anyone. You don't need cigarettes to relax, I will help you relax

And she picks a chair and hits his head so hard that he falls dead

You see, when death knocked at your door for so many years, you kind of want to feel what it is that you are afraid of so much. But you kill yourself in a way that there is always a part of you remaining alive.

You've always wanted to feel what is to really die, how people suicide, but you can't do it like suicidals, you always need something else to kill you, you can't do it to yourself, can you stab yourself, can you do it like suicidal people do it, how they do it, are they braver than you

There is always a part of you that wants to stay alive

But what about them, how can you understand what they feel in their last moment, how can we understand this thing: suicide

How's that possible, that some fight so hard and for so long for their life when others end their life so easy

Didn't you want the life of this man to be saved. Then why take yours. Isn't he struggling the same issues as you. He was killing himself slowly anyway. I just sped up the process to show you what he wanted. We all want to die at some point in life, because life is sometimes unbearable. But it is not fair, it is not fair to cause such pain to others, you won't see their pain when you are gone, you won't see that you miss someone, if that's what you wanted, you won't see it. It is not fair to take your life, when others are fighting for their life for so long. If you believe you live in an unfair world, you make it really unfair with your suicides and you don't care what will happen with the people behind you. You just stopped caring for anyone. All you see all you feel is yourself, your own pain when others are drowning in their own blood, your pain is more important. You are more important than anything else, no, you are not doing it because you don't feel important enough, you became the most important thing for yourself. If you are able to see yourself and be able to take the knife, the pills or the gun, that means you are absolutely focused on yourself, at that point that you can't tolerate your existence, the self hatred is a form or narcissism. But this is not your fault.

We need to talk about the narcissistic forces that are behind this action. There is a force determined to kill you. When you differentiate yourself from that force, you will see that this is not coming from you, you will see that there is something making you to do it. When you know your enemy, you won't make it your own, you can better fight it.

I Peter 5:8

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

This is absolutely true. The true narcissist, it's the devil and he is acting through you. Years ago I was about to kill myself with scissors, I was so exsausted and felt like there is no exit. And I took the scissors and when I was about to cut my veins, a force took my hand and made me cut my hair instead and it left me, the suicidal thought. I explain to myself why there are so many who succeed in killing themselves, they give more ear to the demonic force, there are always angles trying to save you. And both forces are fighting, and sometimes demons may be stronger and when that soul does not want or know to pray and no one is knowing and let paying for that soul, there is not enough help called to save the soul and demons win. You have no idea about what spiritual battle is around every soul.

But there is something much more deeper. I have wanted multiple times to suicide, one of moments I walked like death, there was no soul in me, I was going to buy me pills. The reason was I was in a situation, something was going to happen that was feeling like death. And in those moments, when you are afraid to do something like death, you want to end on your terms. It feels not so scary. I was refused many times to take pills without recipee and I had to go back home and feel it all. I had to face my deepest fears and demons. And I understood that I will face "death" not on my terms and I had to face life, the heaviness of guilt and shame is also another reason. After finding Christ, I understood something very important, that there is nothing in this life I need to be afraid of, no human, no circumstances. Later on, through those experienced I understood how narcissistic the fear for self is. Another reason for suicide most common, no meaning of life, but again when you think what message you will leave to others you love, that there is no point for them to be alive and they should suicide too. You will make people who don't deserve it to feel guilty they could help you and this is worst than death. This is very sobering.

[phoenixbleu]

I am searching for one special study about the immune system but I have a hard time finding it, it was saying how humour activates the immune system and how the mother's emotions can affect her kids health even when they are grown up, through the blood connection and there was an exemple given, how a man called his mother and indeed she was stressed and he calmed her down and his health got better. Indeed what we are watching can affect our health, if I watch horror, my body won't feel well, a lot of adrenaline, but when I watch comedies I feel so much boost.

If I succeed in finding that article I will share it

[phoenixbleu]

Mother

The exile of Sisyphus

Brain of a mother is a fucking place

Enjoy

Agents: Mother, Intrusive thoughts, Chill, Victim

Mother: if you have the chance to stay alive and become a mother and then the show begins. Sleepless nights. Sicknesses. Your brain is squeezed from fear and weakness. And it does not end.

Chill passes a glass of wine: relaaax

Mother: one glass of wine is not a sin, right?

Victim: ?

Mother: I am angry not because of all those things. I am angry that I keep worry, I did not learn to relax when I'm in the storm. Why just not sit calmly and wait to pass, why always panic, that fear that you will be helpless again

Intrusive thoughts: tired of listening to your dilemmas and constant whimper

All kinds of shit exchanges between mother and intrusive thoughts

Chill: oh you too stop it, my head hearts already

Shit exchanges between mother, intrusive thoughts and chill

Victim presses a finger to her temple and switches them one by one

Victim is alone and transforms/takes her original form into Mother

Mother approaches the window and sees how everything outside is destroyed and burns

Zooming out and seeing mother and earth from space

Father in a space ship is watching

Sending a telepathic thought to mother: come on, Jolene, stop it

Mother: I won't, I don't want to

Father: you can do it, please, you can do it

Mother: No

Earth is burning more and more every moment will explode and consume the ship

Father: Fuck it

Switches of the whole program

A gentle hand touches his shoulder

It's Mother: are you still bothering with this simulation. Aren't you tired already. I'm here and we are not fighting, everything is okay and our life is great and peaceful

Father: oh, what I would do without you, my peaceful rock

Hug

Mother vanishes. She is switched off by the Father of Father

The Father: No, no, no. I told you it won't happen like that, you have to stop with outside support. You have to figure out on your own how to make Mother cooperate. Don't try to run from responsibility.

The Mother of Father appears: leave him already to do whatever he wants

The Father: don't tell me how to talk to my son

The Mother: he is my son too

Father: shut up you two, you are not even here. If you care so much for me why did you split. (Starts screaming) Why did you split? You make kids 1+2=3 and 1 and 2 split and what happens with 3? Why bring two things together if they will split, what's the point? Why did you split? I want answers not just excuses, not just philosophical bullshits, I want real deep answers!!!

The mother and the father: oh here go again

The two holograms disappear each in his own house. Thoughtful, hurt, silent.

Their thoughts: I don't want to bother with another person, I don't want to feel that pain again, I don't want to quarrel with that person

Zooming in The mother's thoughts: Mother, intrusive thoughts, chill, victim

The same scene as in the beginning

The mother is numbing again with this scene

The Father comes uninvited: oh come on, you need to stop this, we have to do something for our kid. This has to stop. For our kid

The Mother: I don't know how, I don't know, I don't want with you again, not again

The Father: for our kid, please

The Mother: we can't lie to him

The Father: we won't lie, we will just think of a way to work together again

The Mother: I'm not sure, I..

The Father: I know you don't love me anymore

The Mother looks up in his eyes: what...

The Father: love's long gone

The Mother: that's not true, love has always been, we just don't want it anymore

Zooming out in Adam's thoughts before being split into Adam and Eve

Intrusive thoughts turns to God: see, after all it is for the best for man to be alone. In fact, you should not have created him in the first place

God is silent and thoughtful. That sentence resonates and echoes in Him like this: after all it is for the best for God to be alone..

He is deeply hurt. His eyes fill with tears. He does not want to be alone, to turn everything back and be on His own for the sake of safety. Maybe it would have been much more safer and nothing of this would happen. God does not want to turn it back, He thinks. What He can do to help. What?

He is going in.

Intrusive thoughts: You won't succeed, they don't want You anymore, You hear

It is painful, but He is going, He is passing through space and time, through a very painful journey, doubt, sabotaging thoughts, all kinds of threats and voices are leaving deep bruises and scars, but He is faith and He is love and He keeps going. He is going to Mother. At that moment when the earth is about to explode. He is going to Mother and he says:

Please, I don't want to be alone, I know your hurt, but I need and I don't know what I would do without you.

She is looking in His eyes and sees the deep timeless pain and loneliness and it breaks her heart.

Help me, she says, and faints in His arms

With one wave of His hand he stops the destruction and restores everything

He returns Mother to Father.

Father: Thank you, Lord

God: No, I thank you

Hugs them

Father: You risked Yourself and the whole universe for us. You know it could not work, right

God: Yes, but I had to be honest

I love christian humour

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A post shared by Gabriel Lopez (@gods.best.friend)

[phoenixbleu]

I can't sleep

Because I need to share this with you

Back in my early twenties, I was after a birthday party going home from a club, but I wronged the direction and I don't know how I end up to my university. I'm drunk and I am staying and staring at the sky not knowing what I should do. (Actually in those moments God has always guided me and protected me) I am all in black, long black vintage swing skirt, I was wearing a lot of black back then.

And there is a man above 40 passing and we immediately start chatting, I remember the crazy thing that I first said to him: oh hi, I was waiting for you. It's like I knew this person from forever. Now I know God was speaking through me. A British man, imagine my English was more basic than now, but whatever. And he says what I am doing here alone, I got lucky that he passed, because he is a decent man. I did not understand why he was worried about me, I was really so childish and felt so protected. I am sure now it was God who made me go there and meet exactly that person.

And he invited me to eat in the restaurant behind me, he said he is always having dinner there. Coincidence? I never knew about that restaurant, it was so hidden and I never noticed it. And he ordered me a pizza, for himself a pizza with fish (disgusting), he gave me a try, I refused but he asked me and I was so drunk that I tried and I don't remember how I ate that thing, but I remember it was really strange. He was a British English teacher and I asked to correct me every time when I say something incorrectly and he did, but I don't remember about what.

He shared his story about his loved one, he was suffering and poured his heart out. I started questioning, what's the problem, he said they are separated now, I asked why. It's complicated. How's that. Well, she is getting really addicted to him when she is around him and she can't live like that. It was very strange for me to hear such a story, I understood that to be addicted to someone is not good, like all kinds of addiction, you are too dependent, like you don't exist and it's like you are giving so much heavy responsibility to the other and it's like, does not feel good. And asked for an explanation, how's that and what's the problem with that, can't she overcome it. He said complicated.. and I wondered what's wrong with those old people, why they complicate so much things. Life for me was simple, you love someone, you are with them. I was wondering, would I become like them some day. What is going on. And I tried to encourage him, I don't know what I said, but I felt this man needed to share his story with someone, it was the only thing that was in his chest. I remember we talked a lot about God. I was going to church back then and was really filled with the Spirit and I was sent to that person to share the Gospel. After that he ordered me a taxi and I went home safe and sound. I never saw him again and don't remember his name.

And I understand now. Maybe this woman was married and fell in love with this guy and he was suffering because he was a decent man and did not want to ruin her family. And I wondered why sometimes there are such complicated cases, why one heart should stay alone, why fall in love with someone you could not be with. Maybe love was not what I thought, you love somebody and being with them. Or maybe this suffering is not caused by love and the impossibility to be with someone, but the impossibility to believe you deserve love and the impossibility to be okay with simplicity, because we have this imprint, pattern from our parents and ancestors back to Adam and Eve, of disconnection with the One, only one we need, who is Love and who invented Love. And we should not be dependent on any creation whether it is a person or something else. It's like making it an idol, and God talks a lot about idols in the Bible. Or it's a lesson from God, to love one another no matter what and to love one another with a pure heart without the desire to possess. Or all the reasons mentioned above. And that all is love. And we all need to connect, to feel love and to belong, and this is absolutely normal. Those are the needs designed in us in order to connect with God in the first place. It is just really necessary to give all to the right place, our hearts, our desires, everything to Him, because he knows what we are made of and he knows us better than us and he knows what to do.

[phoenixbleu]

Do I ever stop?

The band Otyken I just discovered reminded me of this band below

The bad thing with Tumblr is you have limited allowance of videos in one post.

I also like didgeridoo, I remember when I was kid, mom was working in hotels, and when there were some musicians from all over the world, she brought CDs from those musicians and that is how I got to know didgeridoo and I played the CD all over again, I don't remember the artist unfortunately. But later in Sofia, I found Oratnitza and we danced like crazy on their concerts

[phoenixbleu]

I have a dream

i want to create worship singing with Bulgarian folklore singing and music from other types. I see they use the the folklore music, but I want to use the folklore singing and angel chanting and the music can be a all kinds of mixes.

For e exemple Братята and Ivan Shopov are already using folklore songs, but they are our old folklore songs. And I want new worship songs, different lyrics.

I really like worship songs of type of Jesus Culture, but I don't like this type of music with the guitar, very stressful, from 4:30 in this song it is not so much, but in most of worship songs they implement on this kind of playing a guitar and my brain is just squeezed, actually it is not the guitar, it is the combination of drums and guitar that I don't like

I like more the relaxing and creative type of Misty Edwards

5:35 here is what I don't like, is there any type of music or a combination of instruments that can bring the intensity needed in this part of the song and not be annoying like this one? This type of music is repeated and the same in almost all worship songs, it's like we can't think of something better. I believe it could be changed with something better

Strings, true strings, okay, we can leave the drums, but change this electronic guitar with strings, violin, contrabass whatever else just not that annoying electronic guitar

I love this song so much and with this type of music starting at 5:35 I barely listen to the end

What I'm talking about is this, folklore singing with kind of worship songs

For years I dream of learning to play on those instruments, Japanese koto or Chinese guzheng or Chinese guqin (I was really torn apart here, and I listened and have a conclusion that guzheng and maybe koto are better option, but more difficult one, they are more melodic and have more possibilities). I had this aspiration from watching japanese and korean scifi romantic series. When a lot of people already know how to play the piano, guitar and all kinds of other various instruments, it is interesting to try something not so common and I wonder what will happen combining all these things from the 4th corners of the world and make something unique

Truly relaxing not only hearing it, I imagine how relaxing it is doing it. 15:00 aww 💗 I can listen the last 5 min over and over again

Now imagine what would happen if you mix japanese strings and normal strings (for your nerves), bass guitar (for your heart), piano (feet, fingers), african drums, asian drums (brain), bulgarian Caba gayda (stomach), flûte (liver), hand pan drum (lungs) and okarina (gallbladder) what else, for the bones - saxophone ?

Crazyyyyy

[phoenixbleu]

My life used to be I against I, but now I want to develop it into something more. I am no longer interested in pure horrors scifi things. Enough with fear and implementing the idea of self-destruction and all around survival. I found a movie that I want to explore before sharing it. If it corresponds to the new perspective, I will share it, if not, I'll just forget about it

45 min later

Okay, fine, I can't wait, I'll share it now, I don't know when I will watch it. You can explore it for yourself, there are beautiful scenes

Sometimes I don't need to watch a whole movie, just the combination of the right scene and music and lyrics is enough to get the message that I need

[phoenixbleu]

Human

Human

I took this nothing looking dirt

And put My spirit in it

And it became a human

In your eyes

It's the universe

Human

If you jump from a cliff

You'll break yourself

Human

So fragile so gentle

You have no wings

You have no lungs to breath under the water

Yet, you found every way

To make everything possible

Hey, human

Sit, sit down next Me

Stop for a while

I look in your eyes

Human

Make love to Me

You look at the stars

More special than you

I am looking at you

More special than the stars

My baby human

I love you

[phoenixbleu]

Heart

A heart undeniable

A heart undividebale

You make me feel

So much

In your presence I am redeemed

A heart collision

A heart

Timeless heart

I wonder how can I feel pain

At all when all comes

From a heart 🏵️

So beautiful

How is that possible

That in this glimpse called life on earth

We give so much credit to pain

Is this what we needed to appreciate universe

And live in peace for ever and ever

Oh yes, I would never want to experience pain again

I think we already get it

Enough is enough

And we could never get enough of

You

I am so sorry

I guess we had to experience what we are most afraid of so it would be eliminated

It is not as simple as that

It was not only that the whole idea

I wanted you to know can you see Me

Through the pain

Can you still look up for Me

Through the pain

Can you stay faithful

Can you still be good

Can you still believe in My love for you

Can you stay the same

Because I am always the same

No matter what

So I needed you to become like Me

As My children

You needed to learn a hard lesson

I know

There is no amount of pain

There is no amount of distraction

There is no amount of anything

There is nothing that can separate us

I have always held you

Although you could not see me

Blinded by tears

You could not feel me hardened by disappointments

But you know what

You had only one appointment

And it was with Me 😜

[phoenixbleu]

Universe

Black holes have always looked like pupils to me. And my theory about them is that those are the eyes of those creatures, actually the eyes of God all over the universe

There is no point to be afraid of black holes when we know what a pupil serves. God created us in his image, we have all we need to understand how he observes and experiences life

The thing that the person explains with the paper is described in the Bible

I really love studying the Bible and astronomy together. This is so orgasmic to me (organism+cosmic)

What?!

[phoenixbleu]

4444

Today I barely stay awake, in the afternoon, almost asleep, I received a vision, the number 4444