#5 will be hardest to write because it involves a lot of. well. the finale of Dragon Age 2

[vigilskeep]

baffled and vexed by instalment 3 of this fic having an obvious title. does that mean i have to title the rest of them. good lord

[hypnostheory]

WIP Weekend Tag Game

I got tagged by @kiwiana-writes , @gayflyboy, and @happiness-of-the-pursuit .

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more). (If you're an artist or other non-fic fandom creator, questions can be found here!)

1. WIP List:

Okay so let’s put realistic WIP here (these are not in any particular order)

you don’t want to know me (needs a final chapter)

fell apart (in the usual way) - Bodyguard!Alex pt. 2

in a faith forgotten land (surprise)

secret moments in a crowded room (ThreesGiving)

sit there in this hurt (another surprise)

Whatever the piercer part 3 is going to be called

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

So you don’t want to know me is the only chapter fic of the bunch, so by default??? However, in a faith forgotten land is probably going to be a long one, and sit here in this hurt might end up being a two-parter.

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

Same as the previous answer, it’s absolutely you don’t know me but I’m probably going to be most surprised by in a faith forgotten land or sit here in this hurt.

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

I’m really enjoying secret moments in a crowded room because it’s funny, but I also like the blocking of fell apart (in the usual way).

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

Definitely you don’t know me, just because it’s the follow up to my most popular work and a lot of people have opinions on it.

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

I stare at the outline of in a faith forgotten land every day. It’s very ambitious (read: overly complicated).

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

Everything I read goes through my partner. They check my dialogue and fact check, and they’re also good at fixing areas I’m stuck on.

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

Name one that ain’t.

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

Don’t really do OCs, I try to traffic in cannon characters and only use an OC if I have to. Alex has a pretty fun secretary for in a faith forgotten land, but that’s about it.

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

That’s like asking which clown drives the car, they’re all porn lol. I personally like all the shit happening in fell apart because Bodyguard!Alex is just inherently hot but secret moments is gonna have some spice.

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

Either you don’t want to know me or sit there in this hurt.

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

Secret moments, but my partner says piercer part three.

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

Probably secret moments, but I do like the scene setting for in a faith forgotten land.

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

Research wise, it’s you don’t want to know me or faith forgotten. Writing wise, probably fell apart because I’ve been picking at it for weeks.

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

Well you don’t want to know me has to close out the series, so that’s pretty high. I think secret moments is going to be great, it’s really building on a character that doesn’t get a lot of love. And my partner will riot if piercer part three isn’t good lol.

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

That would imply I sleep.

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

So like, writing chronic pain is very complex and the emotions involved are also very hard, which makes you don’t know me difficult. It’s also intensely autobiographical, so there’s a lot of layers. (Which is why updating it has taken so long, sorry lol)

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

Absolutely secret moments, that’s half a comedy and half a smut fic.

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

you don’t want to know me had one from June. There’s going to be a deep dive in secret moments on a side character. I think it’s interesting to go outside the main ship, especially for minor characters. I’m a background bitch stan.

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

Hmm I blab constantly but in secret moments I’m basing a characters personality on Elliot from Chambers, so there’s that.

I’m not going to be tagging as many people as I have WIPs because I have a lot, but I can for sure tag @futureseaempress and @affectionatelyrs 💖

[ahmedmootaz]

Would you like to play a Q and A game?

Out of all the chapters in Adventures in Parenthood! fanfic of yours, which was the:

1. Hardest to write and/or taking the most amount of time to write chapter vs easiest to write and/or taking the least amount of time to write chapter

3. Most fun and exciting to write chapter vs most frustrating and uncooperative to write chapter

4. Required the most planning, research and drafting to write chapter vs the most spontaneous, free flowing and struck by inspiration type of chapter

5. Longest vs shortest chapters (counting the chapters that were supposed to be one chapter but got too long and broken up because of AO3's word limit as one chapter)

Dear Anonymous,

Why, yes! I would in fact, like to play a Q&A game, thank you very much! I do like these sorts of Q&A asks, so allow me to thank you in advance!

Also, obligatory SPOILERS! for Adventures in Parenthood, in case anyone would like to read it spoiler-free!

Honestly, the easiest Chapters to write were the Chapters from 17 through 23. Those were the Chapters I first envisioned when I began writing the storyboard for AiP, and so finally getting to them made them very easy to write, as there wasn't a point where I needed to think of what came next; it all happened very naturally. As for the hardest Chapters the write, they have to be the Epilogues. As the Epilogues are at the very end of AiP, they have to be conclusive. They have to answer every question and leave no loose ends...at least, that's what I personally believe. One of the things that (sometimes) frustrates me with PM is the loose ends they leave, and while I get that (sometimes) it's intentional on their end, I don't want to have that happen with AiP, so I'm trying to be as thorough as possible...not to mention the Epilogues just happened to be written at a time when I'm pressed with lots of work and exams and such. It's part of why they take so much time to publish, not to mention it always feels like something happens in real life when I start getting into the swing of things while writing.

3. Again, I think the title for the most fun Chapter has to go to the Sweeper Saga. There was plenty of action, drama, and fluff, so it was diverse and plentiful, although a close second would be the Karaoke Chaos one, and I think the answer is quite self explanatory. The most fun part about it, however, was how it made a lot of people drop their guards and thus get doubly blindsided by the Chapters that followed, hehehe. As for the most frustrating or uncooperative Chapters...I want to say that all of them have been pretty cooperative, but for some reason the Epilogues just drag on and on and on...I wanted to release two Epilogues last summer, but as you can see, that just didn't happen. I suppose the most frustrating thing is that the circumstances that surround me when writing the Epilogues just aren't that conductive to writing quickly, ahaha.

4. Hmm...This is a good question. I think, from a research point of view, I needed a lot of research for When Fathers Cry and for Fathers Scorned as well, simply because I needed to know how much chlorine and blood loss a human can take to write some of the more...violent scenes there are. I think I needed to research some anatomy for Crimson Tears as well for obvious reasons, and I really needed to watch and rewatch Binah cutscenes for hours so I can try to get a grasp on a childish version of her and the actions she'd take in Arbitrary Emotions.

But the simples Chapter that I wrote in pretty much a day was Old Promises, Same Idiocy. It was completed really quickly and it was a simple prompt I wrote for a very dear friend at first before we realised it fit better as a Chapter in AiP to involve the A3 again. So it was quite spontaneous in both how it was written and how it was inserted.

5. Longest Chapter so far is Epilogue I at around 134,650 words, while the shortest is Old Promises, Same Idiocy; I think it was around 10-14K words. Something along those lines.

Thank you for the fun Q&A, Anon! Until next time, be well, take care, and see ya'!

[aberooski]

fanfic asks: 22, 30, 49 💫

Oh yay! Thank you for the asks! 💜

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

This is an interesting one because honestly I don't have any specific point in the process where it happens. Titles just kinda find their way to me whenever they want. Sometimes I'm struck with inspiration early on in the writing process or even before I even come up with an idea, but I like the title so much I have to come up with a fic for it, or I'll have a fic completed and be struggling and fighting tooth and nail with my brain to come up with something to call it 🤭 let me pull a few quick examples from my pantheon!

Once Upon A Duelist, that one came super easily to me. Of course that fic being a Sleeping Beauty au, having the play on Once Upon A Dream was pretty simple to think of but I digress, it was an easy one to title.

Sons of The Stars on the other hand, that one I was ruminating and formulating titles for throughout the whole process and getting nowhere for the longest time. Angel's Tears was like that too when I wrote it back in the day. (Tbh in the market for a new title for that one, I used to love it but recently I've liked it a lot less)

And my Final Fantasy XV fic What Goes In. That one was super easy because I took it from a line of dialog that Gladio has in one of the cutscenes that was actually written into the fic.

And Sustained by Hate is the title of a song from Final Fantasy XIII and well the cutscene it plays in in the game is the scene involves a child trying to murder a man because he blames him for his mother's death, so 😬 but the title was very relevant because the only thing keeping Camula's soul together and keeping her from being assimilated into oblivion was her hatred of Jaden and desire for revenge, so she was quite literally sustained by hate. I actually borrowed or was inspired by a lot of titles from that game's songs and story chapters for the chapters in the fic too aksksk

I take a lot of inspiration from songs for both fic titles and chapter titles, ever since I was a kid writing shitty fics in actual physical journals. But I also sometimes just try to think of something relevant from my own brain aksksk

So yeah they just kinda find me whenever they want to, I don't really have any specific point in time where I come up with titles. But that honestly can be the hardest part of the entire process for me if they don't come to me early on in the process.

30. How much do you edit your fics? Do you edit as you write or wait until you finish the first draft?

This one's easy actually, I usually wait until the end and go back and do it all at once. Mostly because just about every fic I've written in the last like 5 years has been for the YGOBB so I've been writing on a time crunch for a long time and I'm a slow writer so I never had the time to spend editing as I go. I'd wait until the rough draft was done and turned in and then go back and edit after.

Now I've been going back and even editing and revising those fics again because honestly I don't think I did a very good job the first time. But I'm less horrified when I read my old fics now so that's good 😭

I do find myself going back and editing as I go more now than I used to, especially since I'm stepping back from YGOBB this year and taking a break from that. Love the event, but I think all my fics have suffered from the time crunch and I always burn out having to push myself to pump out my fics so yeah need that break.

But generally I do write a fic all the way out before I'll start editing so I can focus on one thing at a time. Get the foundation first and then build upon it. 👍

49. What fic of yours would you say is the best introduction to you as a writer?

Oh boy this one's actually a very hard question for me 😅

When I think about it I'm kinda tempted to say Sustained by Hate (abby's version)(from the vault)

It's a multi chapter fic which is my forte, it's in universe which I don't often do in my long fics, the concept is entirely plausible with Camula being brought back and wanting revenge for her defeat, it works in a lot of my little touches and portrayals of the characters

Dad Crowler, Hassleberry’s leg being an issue for him a lot, Alexis being protective of Atticus like to the max, Jaden going out of his way to try and protect the squad but specifically Sy, Bastion playing the role of team mom, Chazz and Atty's relationship period, and you even get some of my quirks and inner workings of my mind with Mrs. Rhodes and Mrs. Princeton hanging out on the sidelines

Also the blatant, very thinly veiled Little Mermaid reference of a plotline..... I mean c'mon the chapter is literally called Poor, Unfortunate Soul 😭

I also actually wrote a duel and that was really hard and I'm very proud of myself and everyone should be impressed 😭

Anyways that one is very me, there's so much in that fic that's very authentic to me and I think it's probably the best intro to me and my writing in terms of the long fics.

One shots, Salt In The Wound. No question. Maybe when I go back and edit that one A Friend In Need would be good too, and Traffic Lights is pretty good but again SITW is so authentically me as a Syrus stan/kin who has major beef with Zane.

I'd love to say OUAD, you know I would. But that's my magnum opus man, if that's your introduction you've set the bar pretty damn high 😭

And Sons of The Stars, as much as I demand everyone in the universe read it because I worked harder on that fic than anything I've ever written in my life, that is NOT a starter fic. It's 136k. And a whole ass built from the ground up au. And honestly draws on a lot of stuff in season 3 and there's a couple subtle nods to other works in it so it's not a starter at all. That's one to read after you've read a couple aksksk

So yeah, if you want a quality starter fic, Sustained by Hate is probably the way to go I think.

Angel's Tears or What Goes In wouldn’t be bad either if you wanted to see the progression of my work from high school to now. Even with the revisions I've done to both of those fics in the last couple months, in my opinion you can still tell I originally wrote them when I was like 18 years old.

But I legitimately think Sustained by Hate and Salt In The Wound would probably the best options depending on which length of fics you like to read.

Thanks again for the asks, these are so fun!!

☆ Abby ☆

[ahopkins1965]

What was the hardest personal goal you have set for yourself?  First, I want to inform all of you that the hardest personal goal was staying clean and sober since 1990.  The hardest personal goal was stop smoking cigarettes for me because I was smoking marijuana and cigarettes just to deal with stress in my personal life from 1974 to 1990.  I actually started smoking marijuana and cigarettes because of peer pressure.  Second, I want to say that my second hardest personal goal was graduating from the University of Toledo in Toledo OH.   From Monday April 1, 1991 through June 14, 1996: I will admit that I struggled in College because I was using vulgarity during my classes & making things hard for my own self.  At that time, I struggled with writing because I really was not prepared for College.  Third, another one of the hardest personal goal was learning how to accept constructive criticism from other people.   For a total of 22 years, I had to learn how to forgive myself & other people because I have decided to join the AA Fellowship in 1990.  The AA Program taught me how to take responsibility for all of my sins, transgressions, & Iniquities.  I also learned a whole lot more about Jesus Christ.  I really got tired of the wrong people using me and abusing me as well.   I also went to AA Treat because I wanted to stop drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana right along with cigarettes.   I went to AA Meetings as well as treatment in order for me to learn a new way of life.  I had to move out of town for a total of 5 years.  I had to learn how to take accountability and become responsible for all of my actions.  Fourth, I went to AA Meetings & NA as well.   However, I had picked up a new addiction and it was sex.  I spent a whole lot of money on women.   I was only fulfilling my addiction to women.  I spent an undetermined amount of money on just women.  My AA Sponsor helped me to get my life back on track.   I want to say that I had been used by some of them.   My family members resented me for spending a lot of money on pornography and women.   Fifth, I acquired this addiction to women because I was only making up for time that I was involved in failed relationships with women.  I was actually scared of women.   The hardest personal goal was stopping spending too much money on the women who were already in their own personal relationships with men.  I stopped spending money on women because I got scammed out of over $18,550 dollars in Western Union Funds by engaging in online relationships with scammers and computer hackers because I was only reaching out for love.   Sixth & Finally, what happened to me is that I became homeless in Charlotte NC twice and then homeless in my own hometown of Dayton Ohio.   The sixth hardest personal goal was to start paying my bills & rent for my apartment that I have had for almost 14 years now.   I had to become gainfully employed for 13 years.  I have to still pay on my student loans from the University of North Carolina at Charlotte.   This is a place that I worked for 8 straight years.   Therefore, I have hurt myself & a whole lot of people in my own family members and friends.   I have disappointed my family members by bringing a disease inside of my family members places.  I actually tried to kill myself because I was ashamed of myself for getting scammed out of money.   I used to be a deceiver and a person who only wanted to be loved by a very decent woman.   I am the one who learned a lesson in my life by accepting Jesus Christ as my personal Savior.   I learned how to become honest with God Himself and Jesus Christ as well as other people in my life.  I am very happy to write three books in a 23 year period.  Thank you for reading my essay today 🙏.

[snipsnsnailsnwerewolftales]

Trial and Error (Derek x Reader)

A/N: This has been something living in my brain for a while, and I decided to get it out, along with 5 prompts.

I do not own Teen Wolf or it’s characters. Sadly.

Thank you to @xteenwolfwritingsx and @mymonandsymon for looking this over for me!

Warnings: Some language. As close to smut as I write, (If you squint.) Mostly just fluff, though.

Word count: 1,646

Anon said: “"I'd kill you on the spot if you weren't so nice to look at. Because, full offence, your personality needs a lot of work."”

Anon said: “Can you do 93 & 99 w/ derek hale pls :) thank you!”

(93. “Forget it. You fucking suck.”

99. “Don’t be an asshole. Asshole.”)

Anon said: “Hello! I was wondering if you would be willing to do numbers 8 and 101 with Derek Hale from the the most recent list you have posted? If not it’s okay, thank you ❤️”

(8. “You didn’t just wake me up at 2am because you were ‘in the mood’.”

101. “You got a cute butt.”)

Xxx

You’d barely made it into the loft before you were pinned up against the far wall, Derek holding your hands up on either side of your head at the wrists, his grip much tighter than it should be, but not as much as it could be.

“I thought I told you to stay on your side of the city,” he hissed out, face inches from yours, eyes glowing red, and a low growl rumbling in his chest.

His eyebrows knit in confusion at your smirk, his body pressing against yours as you made a halfhearted effort to push you both off the wall.

Rolling your eyes, you let out a breathy chuckle, which only made him cock one eyebrow up in either amusement or disbelief, you weren’t sure.

“What the hell is so funny?” He asked, both his tone and his weight easing up a bit.

His mistake.

“Oh, nothing,” you mused, looking up and away from him for a few seconds before flipping you both around, holding him pinned against the wall in the same position, your own eyes glowing their bright red as he let out an annoyed snarl. “Just thinking about how things can change in an instant….”

The breath was knocked out of you as you once again were pinned to the wall, this time his weight almost fully against you to keep you still. “What do you want?” He ground out through clenched teeth.

You couldn’t help thinking that the two of you would have been great friends if it weren’t for both of you being Alpha’s. Pack rivalry and whatnot overriding much of any chance at getting any closer than you were now, which given your position physically, was actually pretty damn close.

Baby steps.

“I have an idea,” you began after letting out a huff. Resigned to being stuck against the wall, you relaxed a bit, deciding to try and placate the Big Bad Sourwolf instead of poking him with a metaphorical stick, no matter how fun the latter was. “It would save both of our packs a lot of hassle, and probably save some innocent lives, too, come to think of it-”

“No,” he said firmly, his hold relaxing just a bit.

You looked at him in shock. “You haven’t even heard-”

“I said no!” His voice just as firm as before, he pushed off the wall for emphasis, your body relaxing just slightly, and you rubbed your wrists, despite the fact they were already pretty much healed.

“I’m just trying to be a good leader, Derek, offering you peace and my help for both our sakes and our packs, but because of whatever vendetta you have for me, you’re not willing to listen. Well, you know what? Forget it. You fucking suck.”

Stalking toward the loft door, Derek grabbed your elbow firmly and lightly tugged you to face him, making you roll your eyes again. “What, Hale?”

“I know. Look, I’m sorry. I really don’t know what it is I don’t like about you, I just don’t.”

“Gee, thanks,” you mumbled, looking down at your feet as you fiddled them absently.

Grabbing your shoulders to make you stand still again, you straightened your back and looked him in the eye. It wasn’t the gesture that caught your attention, but the gentleness in it. A new side of Derek Hale had just showed itself, a side you always thought was there, but never got to see, except when he was interacting with his pack.

Very small baby steps.

“But,” he continued pointedly, “I’m willing to put that all aside to listen, for our packs and everyone involved.”

“You’ll really hear me out?” You hated how small your voice sounded.

“I’ll try my hardest.” He smiled a real, genuine smile, and you felt some of the ice crack between you two.

You returned the grin with a small one of your own, before finally saying, “Don’t be an asshole. Asshole.”

Derek laughed, and let go of your shoulders, walking back into the loft, and after a few seconds, you followed him. Looking over his shoulder, he smirked and said, “I’m just trying to be nice.”

You scoffed, then let out a chuckle. "I'd kill you on the spot if you weren't so nice to look at. Because, full offense, your personality needs a lot of work."

Sitting on the couch, he spread his arm out in gesture to the open spot beside him, his own smirk still firmly in place. “So I’ve been told.”

Xxx

Waking up to the wee hours of the morning and a silent loft, you looked around bleary eyed. Once you realized where you were, and who was with you, your eyes went wide.

Laying on the far end of the couch, his legs tangling with yours in the middle at some point while you were both asleep, was Derek, head propped up on the arm of the couch, mouth wide open as a snore escaped him.

You couldn’t contain the giggle from the completely uncharacteristic image of the big bad Hale Alpha, and turned into the couch cushion to smother the sound.

It was only a second later you looked back, but you still jumped as now Derek was looking at you with one eye barely cracked open, his mouth closed in a tight line, but his eyebrow raised in what you now understood was amusement.

Lightly swatting his leg with your own, he said a mock “ow”, but neither of you untangled your legs.

Propping your elbows on the arm of the couch behind you, you glared at him. “Don’t scare me like that!”

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s not polite to stare?”

You swatted at his legs again, and he did the same, both of you grinning lightly.

“Did the alarm go off or something?” He lazily looked to a box on the wall that must have been some sort of baddie alarm, his hand going to the back of his neck to scratch sleepily. Contented with what he saw, he looked back at you, stilling, hand still on his neck. “What?”

“Why do you assume I woke you on purpose? Why would I put myself in a position to endure even more of your company than I have already had today, which, by the way, is I think more than we have had at once ever?”

He grinned. “You didn’t just wake me up at 2am because you were ‘in the mood’.”

You shrugged, smirking right back at him. “You got a cute butt.”

“Why, thank you,” he said cheekily, his grin doing the same.

Batting his legs again lightly, you heard him mutter, “Okay, that’s it,” and you suddenly found yourself pulled toward him, until you were basically straddling him, your wrists once again tightly held in his hands.

“Stop doing that.” His voice was firm, but soft. His eyes searched your face, but for what, you didn’t know.

Digging your knees into his rib cage, just as some sort of retaliation, he groaned softly at the pressure. You leaned down close to his face and whispered, “Make me.”

Suddenly faster than you could blink, your positions had been flipped, him now straddling you, holding you down. “Okay.”

Trying to fight back, you quickly gave up, huffing, much like earlier in the day, looking up at him with a less than enthusiastic look.

Searching your face again with his eyes, he finally landed on your gaze with knit eyebrows.

Raising yours in question, he let go of your wrists, but you left them beside your head, and he sat back on his haunches, your legs still under him.

“I’m trying to figure out what it is about you that drives me so crazy.”

“I have that effect on lots of people,” you said smugly. “I’m awesome like that.”

“That! That’s it.” He pointed at you, and you sat up, elbows once again on the arm of the couch, eyebrows once again raised in confusion. “Yeah, you drive me crazy, but I’m starting to think it’s not because we hate each other or annoy each other-”

“Are you sure? Because you’re kinda driving me insane just a little bit right now-”

He leaned back over you on your perch on the armrest, face closer than it ever had been, and you found yourself staring at his lips. “Am I?”

If it hadn’t been the look in his eyes, the sound of his voice with those last two words did it. Your eyes drifted shut when he finally met you with a kiss, surprisingly soft and tentative given the tension between you two.

But that was just the first one.

Pulling back just enough to look at you one more time, something was exchanged between you without words and you both surged forward in a heated kiss.

Slowly laying back down all the way, your hands briefly in his hair to make sure this never stopped, pulling him with you, his hands grabbed your wrists putting them by your head like before, but this time trailing his fingers lightly from your elbows up to your hands, fingers tangling with yours as he held your hands.

Instead of restricting, his weight now felt warm, and inviting, and the more of it you felt, the more you wanted.

Turning your head to the side, you had a small grin on your face, but it soon turned into a soft gasp as you felt his lips ghosting ever so lightly over your skin, working from your collarbone, up your neck, and to your ear, where he bit the lobe gently.

When he released it after a second, you turned your head to look at him, lips barely touching one another’s, foreheads pressed together, and heavy breaths being shared, almost as if the breath one was breathing out was what the other required to live.

Xxx

Tags: @mayahart02 @palaiasaurus64 @shydinosaurcandy @lucyqueenofthestars @c-breanne1999 @l4life @ethereallysimple What’s this?

[fezcosbitch]

JJ Maybank imagine:

Passion and wild regret

Summary: The pogues think you’re a bad influence on JJ.

I’ve been away for a couple of days so I hope this is ok! 💙

All feedbacks welcome as long as it’s not rude or mean ❤️

Warnings: angst, drug use (kind of, they aren’t taken I also do NOT condone drug use, unless it’s for medical reasons).

And yeah, let’s get into to it...

——————————————————————————

You were a bit of a party girl, a wildcard, some would say. ‘Some’ being everyone except for you, who thought you were completely casual.

You were on the beach, at another summer kegger, where, to be fair, you may have a had a bit too much to drink, which of course, normally leads to JJ watching over you like a hawk. You had just downed your 15th (?) beer of the night, and decided to join in on truth or dare with the tourons, with a few pogues and kooks scattered about in the circle. “Y/n, truth or dare?” A random touron asked you. “Easy, dare” you responded, a grin on your face. The touron smirked, clearly having his dare planned out. “I dare you to take this” he said while holding up a clear baggie which looked to have a couple pills in it. “What is it?” You questioned, if you were going to take something you wanted to know what it was. “Only Molly” he said with a sly smirk on his face, looking you in the eye, testing you. The circle went silent, watching for your reaction, and looking at the touron to see if he was serious. “Ok, give it over” you replied, not ever being one to back down from a challenge, maintaining eye contact with him the whole time.

By now, JJ had heard of what you had been dared to do, as well as the rest of the pogues, and they were running to you right now, to stop you from making one of the biggest mistakes of your life. JJ caught you just in time, and slapped the pill out of your hand. “Jesus Christ you really are pissed, come on” J said, grabbing your arm and pulling you up, away from the rest of the group and into the chateau. Laying you down on his bed and waiting for you to fall asleep before going back to the beach to meet back with the pogues at the kegger.

JJs POV:

“What she do over there then JJ” Kie questioned me because they didn’t hear the whole story before we rushed over. “Just y/n being y/n I guess” I chuckled. The rest of the pogues frowned at me, leaving me confused “what” I asked, looking around until one of them spoke up. All three pogues looked at eachother, before John B started speaking “we just- we don’t think she’s a good influence on you man, I mean look at this, look at earlier, she shouldn’t be your responsibility bro, you’re not her parent why should you have to be stressed all evening just waiting for her to do something that you need to rescue her from, why do you have to look after her because she’s so stupid that she can’t control herself, I mean, fuck! Bro she almost took a class A drug today, the only reason she didn’t is because you stopped her. What happens when you’re not there bro? Or what if she somehow convinced you to do it? To join her? I don’t want that for you, none of us do, ok J. She ain’t good for you, it’s about time you realise.” John B ranted. “Shut up, John B, you don’t know what your talking about” I argued back, biting my tongue, not being in the mood for John Bs interference. “I- I don’t know what I’m talking about? Huh J, l-” JB started before Interrupted “NO! Ok you don’t know what your talking about! You’re mackin’ a kook, who’s had everything handed to her her whole life, she’s got everything she’d ever want at her finger tips. She wants a holiday? She gets a holiday. She wants a burger? She gets a burger. She’s not had to deal with the same struggle I have, or y/n has ok, so don’t you dare, stand there and compare you, and your fucking life with your perfect girlfriend and her perfect money, to me, and my girlfriend, who have to take any happiness they can get, so if she wants to get drunk, she’ll get drunk. Of course there’s a limit, I’m not gonna allow her to take that mdma shit, alright, but who can blame her? With the shit that’s happened to her who blames her?” I finally let out, absolutely fuming at John B, how dare he say that shit about her. “SHES A BURDEN JJ, Y/Ns A BURDEN! SHE ACTS LIKE A CHILD! You don’t have to look after her, you deserve more then that” Kiara then burst out, getting involved aswell. I looked between the two of them outraged at how they were acting. “I KNOW OK! I know I look after her, but did you ever once think that maybe I enjoy it? That I like the idea of looking after her? Maybe that’s what I want to do, do you guys EVER consider other peoples emotions? Jesus Christ, fuck you guys” I turned around and stormed off towards the chateau, completely mad at them for what they said. How dare they.

Y/ns POV:

I woke up 5 minutes ago, and immediately started walking to where I knew the pogues would be. As my feet touched the beach I could hear them shouting, so I stopped and listened in, curious, and not wanting to interrupt their seemingly important conversation. “She’s a burden JJ” Who? You were drawn in, who on earth where they talking about like that? “Y/ns a burden” kiara continued.... oh shit. That was great, you guess. Your own friends consider you a burden to your boyfriend, how... joyous. “I know ok” you heard jj shout back. Oh fuck, even better, your own boyfriend agrees. You turned around and ran back to the chateau and into JJs room immediately, not wanting to hear the other harsh words they supposedly say when you’re not around. Taking off the necklace he gave you on the day he asked you out (which you haven’t taken off since) and started writing a note. When you were done, you left them both on his bed side table, side by side so he wouldn’t miss them, and sprinted back home.

How dare he, you thought. How dare he act as if he enjoyed going out with you, and wanted to be with you, when apparently, all this time he, and all his friends thought you were a burden, what even is this? Who says that about the ones they love? Yeah, you might not have had the best upbringing and yeah, you may be a bit (quite a lot) rough around the edges, but so’s JJ, and you don’t judge him or love him any less for that. You don’t see him as a burden. What is is about you? That just, makes people want to leave you behind, I mean should it even be surprising anymore? Your mom took off a while ago and your dad.... well, he stayed but let’s not get into that but, why did she leave you? Along with your brother, and nan and grandad, they all seemed to disappear, forgetting you ever existed. What was it about you. You got home and raced upstairs, trying your hardest not to wake your dad up, and went to bed, tears flowing down your face and thoughts running wild in your mind. Goddamn JJ, why couldn’t he just tell you he didn’t want to be with you anymore? Why’s it always your heart getting broken? But oh well, right? He’s probably happier now he doesn’t have to deal with you and your problems.

JJs POV:

I slammed the door to my room open and just, screamed. Why do they think they can say that to me? Who do they think they are?

I look over to my left, wanting to just crawl into bed with y/n and forget the whole thing, but there’s one problem...I can’t. She’s not there. FUCK. Where did she go? There’s no way she could’ve heard. I look down and see a very familiar necklace, and a note next to it. I pick up the necklace, running my fingers over it, eyebrows furrowing, why’d she take it off? She never takes it off? My heart starts to race as I imagine every possibility, has she been kidnapped? Taken away? Has DCS finally got her? What happened. I then decided to open the note, eyes focusing on her neat handwriting, almost mocking me in a way, the pretty, pristine handwriting and the beautiful words almost making me forget the main message, that were done.

𝒥𝒿,

𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓎𝑜𝓊’𝓋𝑒 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓁𝒾𝓈𝑒�� 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝐼 𝒶𝓂 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓁𝑒𝒻𝓉 𝓂𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒾𝓈 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒, 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓈𝑒𝑒, 𝒶𝓅𝓅𝒶𝓇𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓈 𝑜𝓃 𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓇𝑒𝓁𝒶𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝒶𝓇𝑒𝓃’𝓉 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝐼 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝓌𝑒 𝓁𝑒𝒻𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓂 𝑒𝒾𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇, 𝒾 𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇𝒹 𝒥𝒿, 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒷𝓊𝓇𝒹𝑒𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝒾𝓇𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓅𝑜𝓃𝓈𝒾𝒷𝓁𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝓀 𝐼 𝒶𝓂, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓎𝑜𝓊’𝓇𝑒 𝓇𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉, 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃’𝓉 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓅𝓊𝓉 𝓊𝓅 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒾𝓉, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐼, 𝒾𝓃 𝒶 𝓌𝒶𝓎 𝐼 𝑔𝓊𝑒𝓈𝓈, 𝒶𝓂 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒾𝓉 𝑒𝒶𝓈𝒾𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒥, 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒. 𝒜𝓁𝓁 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉—𝒽𝑜𝓃𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝒢𝑜𝒹—𝒾𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝓎 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝒹𝑜𝓃’𝓉 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝒸𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓌𝒽𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊’𝓁𝓁 𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓈𝓈 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽. 𝐼 𝓂𝑒𝒶𝓃 𝒶𝓈 𝓁𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝓈 𝓈𝒽𝑒’𝓈 𝒶 𝒻𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓃𝒹𝓁𝓎 𝑔𝒾𝓇𝓁 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝓈 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓃𝒾𝒸𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓀𝒾𝓃𝒹. 𝐼𝒻 𝓈𝒽𝑒 𝒹𝑜𝑒𝓈𝓃’𝓉 𝐼’𝓁𝓁 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝒶𝓉 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒶 𝒽𝒶𝓂𝓂𝑒𝓇. 𝒴𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝑒𝓎𝑒 𝓂𝒶𝓎 𝒷𝑒 𝑜𝓃 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝑒𝓁𝓈𝑒, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒻𝓇𝑒𝑒 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒𝓈𝓉𝓎𝓁𝑒, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓂𝓎 𝑒𝓎𝑒 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝒷𝑒 𝑜𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊, 𝒥. 𝐼’𝓁𝓁 𝒩𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑔𝑒𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓈𝓉𝓇𝒶𝓃𝑔𝑒 𝓋𝒾𝓇𝓉𝓊𝑒𝓈. 𝒩𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑔𝑒𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓊𝓃𝒹𝑒𝓇𝓃𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒽 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒸𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝒻 𝓇𝒶𝓊𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓈 𝓁𝒶𝓃𝑔𝓊𝒶𝑔𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝑜𝓊𝓉𝓁𝒶𝓃𝒹𝒾𝓈𝒽 𝒷𝑒𝒽𝒶𝓋𝒾𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒾𝓈 𝒶 𝓇𝑒𝓂𝒶𝓇𝓀𝒶𝒷𝓁𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓅𝓊𝓇𝒾𝓉𝒶𝓃𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓁 𝓂𝒶𝓃. 𝐼 𝒶𝓂 𝒶 𝒾𝓃𝒸𝓇𝑒𝒹𝒾𝒷𝓁𝑒 𝒷𝓊𝓇𝒹𝑒𝓃, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒶 𝓁𝑜𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒽𝑜𝓁𝒹 𝑜𝒻, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓌𝒽𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊’𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝓉𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝒷𝓎 𝓂𝑒 𝓈𝑜 𝓁𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝒾𝓈 𝒶𝓃 𝒾𝓃𝒹𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝑜𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓁𝑜𝓎𝒶𝓁𝓉𝓎. 𝐼 𝓈𝒽𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝓂𝒾𝓈𝓈 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓅𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝒹 𝓇𝑒𝑔𝓇𝑒𝓉. 𝒜𝓁𝓁 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒, 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈, 𝓎/n

Tears where streaming down my face, she left me, all because she over heard kie and the pogues sprouting absolute bullshit about our relationship. She actually left, oh fuck, why does it hurt so much. I’ll go after her tomorrow, we can sort it out, we’ll talk it through tomorrow when she’s not drunk and the pogues will have no influence. I walked out to the hammock and layed down, looking out to the stars, hoping that she’d listen to my explanation and praying that hopefully, she’ll take me back. And that the pogues didn’t ruin everything for us. I’ll wait until I can have her in my arms again, whether she takes me back or not, I’ll wait for her, in life, and until death.

——————————————————————————

How was it? I feel like it was really bad but idk?

All feed backs welcome as long as it’s not rude or mean❤️

Part 2 idk is that needed? If you want one, ask! 💙

But uh yeah, that was that oops.

Also that letter wasn’t mine, it was the letter from Richard burton to Elizabeth Taylor, I just made some adaptions! X

But yeah, cya

Part 2^

[spockandawe]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

It’s absolutely no problem at all!! I don’t think I’ve been asked this before, but hey, I also have zero object permanence, so it keeps things fresh and new. And it’s interesting to see how my answers change over time! Lemme see, I think I’m going to go in reverse order, because I feel like then I’ll be doing the worst agonizing up front.

TGCF

Fifth favorite: YIN. YU. I know that he’s a minor character and him even making it onto the list is pretty solid performance, but I do feel guilty that he isn’t higher than this. He came out of nowhere in my first reading and punched me in the stomach with emotions. I find his sections so hard to read, and I was DEVASTATED when he died and BEYOND stoked to find out he was still alive in the extras. His story hurts so much! I am weak against characters who have relatively modest goals and still see them snatched away (see also: my next entry) and have to struggle on. I wish wish wish I had a way to see more of how he made his peace with things after being thrown out of heaven, and the nature of the (distant) relationship with Hua Cheng and what happens with Quan Yizhen now that he died in his arms, and still came back anyways, my god!

.

Fourth favorite:  He Xuannnnnn. I have a hard time articulating particulars, but. I love him a lot. I love a character with a grudge, with a deep, painful grudge, where the grudge is hurting him almost as much as it’s hurting the people around him, and setting the grudge aside would also hurt, and then what has any of this been for-- I've used this metaphor for other characters, but I don’t care if I’m overusing it, because I love it. He feels like a character caught in a thorn bush, where simply being there... hurts, but trying to escape or move in any ways is going to hurt worse, and there’s no path forward that doesn’t involve pain. And like... I don’t love the way he hurt Shi Qingxuan (who didn’t quite make this list adfasgdafsd I’M SORRY) but I wouldn’t have liked to see him swallow back down all that pain and set aside everything that happened to his family and fiancee either! I’m always, always soft for characters who have no good path forward and who grit their teeth and set out anyways.

.

Third favorite: MU QING!!!!!!!!!! I have done... extensive screaming about him. And I love him veryvery much. I can already tell that this list is going to have a lot of mean boys on it, and like... no regrets. Especially since this is one of my FAVORITE flavors, an unapologetic mean boy who is rarely (but sometimes!) soft for the people around him, and who regularly tries to do decently by people, but who consistently gets shat upon and misunderstood and accused of acting in bad faith. I screamed when he and Xie Lian finally got to talk their friendship out in the book. I also screamed when I realized how immediately after Xie Lian’s return he started looking out for him again, and how sincerely, despite his horrible attitude about it. I still want to write more fic for him so badly. I love him so much.

.

Second favorite: Xie Lian! What a good boy! The best boy! He’s so sweet and gentle, but also the best fightboy this world has ever seen, and also so gently snarky with the people he loves! I just... really love me some traumatized characters who have trouble recognizing that they can be Loved, and I’m not going to write this whole essay right now, but I think in some ways, he’s the most... passive about his romance, out of all the leads? Shen Qingqiu is aggressively oblivious, but Xie Lian kind of gently shrugs off the idea that he might be Hua Cheng’s special someone, until he finally gets hit with the cluestick. I generally shy away from the idea of a character “earning” love, but he’s maybe the mxtx character who moves me most with ‘you deserve to be loved’

.

Most favorite: Hua Cheng. HUA CHENG. Oh my god, gotta love this boy. Gotta love this devotion. I love a mean boy who is soft for one person, and he EMBODIES it. I mean, I love Shen Jiu, but he barely manages to do the soft thing at all, while Hua Cheng is over here like ‘if I could only be the stone beneath your feet--’ It’s hard to talk about him separately from Xie Lian, because they’re a unit in my head more than just about any other characters on this list are. I don’t want to get this list to get out of control, so I’m not going to scream for too long, but... I could just watch him go forever. I want to write him forever, and that’s a huge aspect of what draws me to some characters.

MDZS

Oh god, I think I lied, I think this book is going to be hardest. Making these choices is AGONIZING.

Fifth favorite: .....Lan Wangji. Oh god, I feel bad about how low he is. But this story is just packed SO full of wonderful characters, and I’m already consumed with guilt over all the characters who aren’t going to make it. I don’t love them less! But my love for characters in this particular story is very evenly distributed. And I think that Wang Yibo’s acting is possibly scoring points with me that the book might not have earned all by itself. Microexpressions and subtle body language add SO MUCH to a character with such flat affect, and I would be drawn to such a closed-off character anyways, but it really helps. And I love, like... the combined subtlety and intensity of his relationships. It’s not that subtle once you know what to look for, and the brother/sworn brother network makes for varying degrees of how much other characters understand of the things he chooses not to explicitly express, and it gives a really interesting character to the way he interacts with the people around him. Also, love me a man with intense separation anxiety.

.

Fourth favorite: Jiang Yanli? I think it has to be Jiang Yanli, but these rankings are hard. So. I just talked about how much I enjoy the flat affect and closed off nature of Lan Wangji? Well, guess what, I also love it when m’girl is just very GENUINELY AND OPENLY an absolute sweetheart of a person, and I love the contrast between her genuinely kind nature and the uncomfortable pressure that her family’s dynamics put on her to start parenting at a very young age. It’s not necessarily a happy situation, but she adores her brothers so much and they adore her so much! And it’s... a very understated element of the story, but after her parents died, her baby brothers went off to war, and one wreaked havoc as a straightforward commander and one of them disappeared for months and returned as a creepy-ass zombie puppeteer. And she STILL dotes on them like before, despite knowing what they’re capable of. Like, yes, Wei Wuxian just raised an army of corpses and forced a man to eat himself, but I shall still boop him on the nose and feed him Soup. How can I not adore energy like that?

.

Third favorite: Wei Wuxian, I think. I do adore him a lot. He gives me some of the same vibes that make me ache most with Xie Lian, where he is trying his best, and is struggling to hold on in the face of lots of suffering, and I find it really interesting that when the suffering peaked, Xie Lian was forced go on because he couldn’t die, while Wei Wuxian... expired. That line about ‘he thought that no matter how large the world was, there was still no place for him’ always sticks with me, and hurts me deeply. Xie Lian had most of his personal attachments stripped away, and was left to wander on his own, while Wei Wuxian still had a number of strong connections left, but abruptly exited life. And that informs their respective trauma so interestingly! The way Wei Wuxian bounces between high energy chaos and drained exhaustion is really fascinating to me, and was the thread that held me attached to the book through a very confusing beginning. And I’m still very drawn to how intensely he loves, whether it’s Xiao Zhan’s fantastic acting, or it’s him busting out with how much he wants Lan Wangji in the middle of the Guanyin Temple scene. He’s a fantastic character, honestly, I don’t think such a convoluted book would have held together very well without a protagonist this strong.

.

Second favorite: Xue Yang :X Look, he’s a good boy and I love him. Who among us hasn’t done a few mass murders that we are completely unrepentant about, but that we would really like to keep hidden from our current boyfriend, actually? Anyways, as always, love me an angry boy who makes terrible decisions for understandable reasons. And I do love a character who is consumed by agonized ragrets (see my next entry), but I DO also love me a character who has no regrets at all and doesn’t even have much interest in trying to justify himself to anyone else around him. Just look at that confidence! Look at him go!!

.

Most favorite: Jiang... Cheng....... I knew he and Xue Yang were going to be at the top, but those were the only parts of this list that were easy. I mean. Love a self-sabotaging angryboy who is also super super sad and keeps hurting himself in his own confusion. And while I love the romantic thread in all of the mxtx books, the agonized family thread in mdzs is one of my favorite parts, and something that I don’t really see echoed in any of the other stories. I need ten million jc+wwx reconciliations, at LEAST. He’s so sad! And so angry! And I want to see him becoming less of that thing, and for Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian to demonstrate very firmly how much they love him, because they do. I am invested in his happiness in a way that goes far and beyond any of the other non-main characters, haha

SVSSS

Fifth favorite: Tianlang-jun. I think? Oh god, but moshang. THIS IS REALLY HARD, I HATE THIS ;-; But especially since writing my fic, Tianlang-jun has really won me over. And like, he already hurt me good in the novel, just thinking about how he was an innocent young guy, just! Trying to have a girlfriend! And instead got trapped in sensory deprivation, body-rotting-hell for twenty years, when he didn’t do anything wrong!!! He suffered, so much! And I live for his intensely strained relationship with Luo Binghe, because it’s! Perfectly understandable and painful, from both of their perspectives! And he wants to hate humans so badly, but in the end, when he’s told that Su Xiyan never betrayed him, he starts helplessly asking the people around him, ‘really? is it really true?’ and then in the end he loses the only family member he has left who cares about him, and it’s just! Everything is terrible! I have a su xiyan au brewing in my head because I can’t stand it! Someone just give this man a loving partner!!!

.

Fourth favorite: Shen Qingqiu. But... moshang??? Goddammit. Anyways, this dumbass. I find him so endearing, in his dumbassery. I sometimes get a bit frustrated with Wei Wuxian for being oblivious, and Shen Qingqiu is just asking for me to react the same way, but I... don’t, for the most part? Because he thinks he has good information, and he’s slow to react to a changing playing field, and I still haven’t read another transmigration novel that strikes the same balance of hypercompetence and intense incompetence :ppp It’s a funny book, and he’s a funny character! And I really vibe with him, in most parts of the story, which covers a pretty darn wide emotional spectrum. Plus, the running internal commentary is choice.

.

Third favorite: Liu Qingge. Look, I’m a woman of simple needs, and sometimes I just need a high-quality fightboy who clearly cares deeply and is absolute garbage at expressing his emotions. I can’t articulate it much better than that. I absolutely howl at the succubus extra, when Shen Qingqiu is talking to Madam Meiyin about his future partner, and Liu Qingge is like ‘oh my god, sHE IS CLEARLY DESCRIBING ME’ and Shen Qingqiu is like ‘haha, liu-shidi, i thought you thought this was stuupidddddddd’. They’re both so dumb. I love them so much. But stupidity plus war god fighting energy has a narrow lead over stupidity and internal commentary track.

.

Second favorite: SHEN JIU. GOD. I’m still arguing with myself over whether he should go first, but Luo Binghe hurts me consistently through the whole entire story, so I think he wins. Shen Jiu just stabs me in the heart at strategic moments. This is it. My ideal mean boy who is soft for one (1) person, and who BOTH does unconscionable things for terrible reasons (someone just. give him a pile of girls to teach, it will be much more pleasant for everyone involved), and who ALSO gets blamed for things he didn’t do even when he tries to act in good faith. It is the best of all painful worlds. And even at the end, when he has a powerful person who wants desperately to protect him, he still tries his hardest to shove that person away, to keep him safe. I’ve got like four aus where he gets to live. I’m so invested in this character, I love him so much.

.

Most favorite: Luo Binghe. He was.... made for me............ Like, the overwhelming amounts of childhood angst were baked in by Shang Qinghua, but the in-story pain and suffering is PRECISELY my jam. I love a character with separation anxiety! I love a character with massive anxieties over being unwanted! Over nobody ever, EVER just choosing him! I love a character struggling with the idea that the person he loves most in the world thinks that he’s intrinsically Disgusting! I love the kind of stubborn determination that leads him to preserve a corpse for five years, desperately hoping for a way to revive it, constantly cooking fresh food, in case, in case he someday wakes up. The way Hua Cheng loves is overpowering, but he’s had time to like... learn to be mellow when he needs to be. Luo Binghe doesn’t have a chill bone in his body, and if he’s acting chill, it’s probably because he’s done some mental math and decided that being more clingy right now will probably get him pushed away harder. I love the combination of manipulative tendencies and a very, very genuine fear of rejection and being unwanted. There is nothing I don’t love about Luo Binghe, including his worst decisions. I love him so so much.

[kyogre-blue]

Finished the first GAA game. 

I see now why they bundled together the two games, because they really are meant to be played together. I’m going to give my thoughts here, but I’m very aware that a lot of stuff set up in GAA1 is actually going to be followed up on in 2, so all this may end up looking very different at the end. 

While on that subject, the dangling plot threads are really quite... excessive. The killer of the first case, Kazuma’s mission, Iris’s dad, the Chief Justice seemingly knowing what McGilded was doing, whatever is van Zieks’s deal, that one very unique NPC who rented in the same house as Soseki but vanished after one meaningless scene, the Crystal Tower repeat mentions, the Baskerville story, etc, etc... there is A Lot. 

All of this setup without payoff honestly doesn’t do the game any favors. On top of it having a lot of focus on dragging Ryunosuke into law in the first place (two cases are just setup to explain why he’s involved), the whole thing feels like it’s incomplete or at least disjointed. 

It doesn’t help that the final killer is quite bland, while one case is a straight up accident, and another is just a bunch of unfortunate contrivances, and one more is basically theatrical setup for the last case. Basically nothing topped the first case killer’s breakdown, which is not a great thing. 

On the whole, it’s a perfectly fine game though. I wouldn’t say the writing is flawed as such. I often got quite involved in it and would go for a couple hours just playing through. 

The problem is that is often drops in something that I really didn’t like, breaking the pace. These aren’t interlinked problems, and mostly they’re just personal taste, but there’s a lot of them. 

The most widespread but hardest to define one is the... nationality thing. Putting it in the mildest terms possible. 

Nearly every NPC will consistently refer to Ryunosuke as “Japanese,” “Far Eastern,” “Nipponese,” etc. And this happens pretty much every time they address him. Even people who know him pretty well, like Gregson in the last case, will STILL do this. It really gets annoying because it’s so unnecessary. If the game is trying to say something with this, it definitely did not articulate its point. 

And that’s separate from the quite a high number of characters who are just straight up racist against “Empire of Japan.” On the other hand, they also love mentioning how Britain is the pinnacle of xyz, and Iris has a weird line where she’s like “doing X would not be the British way!” On top of the fanboying about “Sholmes” stories, the whole thing is extremely strange. I really can’t parse what is going on here, but it continually got on my nerves. 

Then, I didn’t like two of the main mechanics. Correcting Sherlock Holmes’s Herlock Sholmes’s great deductions never stopped feeling, well, very cringe. And the jury system is just infuriating. Yes!! I love hearing how stupid the general public is! And having to summation them 2+ times per case because for whatever reason, they refuse to hear out even the first cross examination!! Very fun!!

Given what I heard about the endgame for AA4, this is just puzzling, honestly. 

Third, I didn’t like the moral of the story given in case 5, which ran through cases 3 and 4 as well. And that was that Ryunosuke was somehow in the wrong for representing McGilded because McGilded messed around to get himself acquitted. The circumstances are such that blaming Runo is just nuts, and the whole thing is then framed as a trust issue. Like, the tone is WILD. Obviously, some of the people who need legal defense will be guilty! You can’t know if someone is guilty! That’s why there are investigations and trials! Defense attorneys can’t magically sense guilt! Otherwise, we wouldn’t need trials! 

And then resolving the whole thing via Gina, who is a personal friend is....... 

Anyway, it was not the right venue for this kind of moralizing about trust, imo. 

Last, I didn’t particularly love the characters, but their dynamic did start coming together in the last case, so this one became less an issue. 

[spxctrixmru]

Saren Arterius Headcanon Post #003 (I think, lost track ALREADY) Public Opinion, Reputation Issues, Regaining Spectre Status, etc... -

Following Saren Arterius’ breakthrough of fighting off the Indoctrination, in this AU, I do want to propose that Saren is NOT at all evil like others portray him as, they went down the wrong path and became blinded by his own ideas of trying to protect the galaxy, upon being forced to kill his indoctrinated brother, Desolas, Saren himself found himself indoctrinated, and for years it was a slow itch in the back of his mind, upon the realization that he was losing this battle against holding his will, They had begun to raise up the Geth Army, his silence in the times with working with Krogan mercenaries, will, it’s attributed to internal in-fighting with Sovereign.

The Exo-Skeleton of Saren in this AU is a whole separate entity created by Sovereign controlling Saren and other indoctrinated servants, and is not inside of Saren unlike Canon, this eco-skeleton, like in the past HC, haunts his dreams constantly, and is who takes over the whole operation once Saren started slowly regaining control of his mind despite it all. This doesn’t help because the Public from Day 1 of his Spectre status being ripped from him, they’ve portrayed him as a betrayer to the Spectre Code, and that he is an evil villain that must be stopped at all costs. So Past Pre-Virmire, the Eco-Skeleton!Saren is the one leading the Geth, and is the one that Shepard Encounters on Virmire instead of Saren himself, because at this point, Saren had turned himself in to the Citadel with help of Nihlus.

In-between Virmire and the Beginning of Mass Effect 2, Saren Arterius is put through rigorous psychological tests and is placed on arrest (specifically House Arrest per Nihlus’ request). This, up until the Battle of the Citadel led by the Exo Skeleton version of Saren, causes MASS outrage within the people of the Citadel, Nihlus, well, he had a 3-1 agreement, Udina constantly denying any need for the Turian “War-Criminal” and wanting him dead beyond other means, it was Sparatus’ initial agreement that led to Tevos and Valern giving into Nihlus’ Request. When the Battle of the Citadel began, Saren broke out of his house arrest, and boarded the ZVR Scimitar, Which is originally Nihlus’ ship, it’s smaller than the SSV Normandy SR1, but has a lot more stealth capabilities and cyclone shielding tech. Together, Saren flew them to help evacuate and Save the Destiny Ascension alongside Alliance Ships.

Even when news broke out that Saren had been the one to get Nihlus onto their ship to save the Council, and even if the Reapers Control on Saren thanks to the destruction of Sovereign in the battle of the citadel, the Council’s coverup of it being the Reapers made Public Opinion not change too much from before the Battle. With the itch and static in the back of Saren’s mind gone, he can finally start undergoing more than just psychology tests, their personality immediately changes from the bold, fearless (and usually ruthless/feared) Turian, to mellow, still feared because of misinformation of the Reapers and indoctrination, but also outright Traumatized thanks to all the heinous things he was forced to do under the one-sided alliance of Sovereign and Saren. Rumors became fact to the Public thanks to Shepard continuously talking about the Reapers when they’re rebuilt and are working for Cerberus.

Saren’s reputation is forever soured, but, after he lives out his reduced sentencing (which Udina is constantly trying to uphold his release, even succeeding in one, forcing Saren to sit in a Prison Cell for a good 5 months before Nihlus bailed him out). following months of mental turmoil with the Two Turians, Nihlus’ Spectre status is temporarily stripped due to Councilor Sparatus figuring out a little.. pact with the two of them that was made on Virmire, forcing the two of them to continue therapy and psychological testing for a good month before they hold a meeting about Saren regaining Spectre Status, Udina is the only one who objects, of course, spouting crazed nonsense about the turian being on Sovereign’s side for so long. Sparatus has been seeing Saren Arterius and Nihlus Kryik for months at that point, personally looking after them himself for the time Nihlus had his Spectre Status temporarily stripped thanks to mental health complications.

Saren’s Psychological testing came back all perfect, and outside of the Trauma that Sovereign had inflicted onto him (among other issues talked about in prior HC posts about Saren), This is around the same time Shepard is finding out more and more about the Collectors, and because of this, Saren swears to his life to help against the Collectors, spending most of his time gathering intel and always going out to save as many as he can from colonies, despite how honestly terrified humans are of the now Reinstated Spectre. In the two years, nearly three that Saren spent on Arrest/in his Cell, and the three years they were constantly tested and prodded about Sovereign, the public opinion of him only worsened. Shepard actually picks up Saren, who the Turian is now constantly sending them intel and assets to aid with the Collectors.

and Soon in Mass Effect 3, the Reapers. Where, Post Arrivals DLC, Saren Arterius is directly involved in constant intel gathering and research into the Reapers, but steers clear of Bryson’s Lab in actual fear of Sovereign, they’re still scared shitless of “What if, just what if there’s still something in that machine that CAN control me again?” Public Opinion lightens up during the Cerberus Coup, where Saren and Nihlus are seen protecting the Councilors from Cerberus, and helping out citadel citizens left and right, and furthermore, continuing to help against the fight against the Reapers, even helping in Menae, Palaven’s Moon after recovering from their injuries from the Coup. Still, to the end and beyond of the Reaper War, where they win and the Reapers are all destroyed, Saren still faces constant discrimination from some public eyes and even still scared Citizens, despite all the help he had in saving all of their lives, they try their absolute hardest even the day they make  it out of the ER in Palaven’s Hospital alongside Nihlus, where they spend all their time rebuilding and helping build a new, Citadel for the Citadel Species, which takes quite a long time, but that’s another story to write about.

[veliseraptor]

2020 Fanfiction Round-Up

I do one of these every year! And have since I think 2016. Can’t break a tradition even if it’s been a clusterfuck of a time and filling this out was in some ways an exercise in remembering the ways I have failed myself as a writer this year. 

But oh well!

Total Year-Long Wordcount: I’ll post the final final number tonight after I finish the writing I want to do this afternoon (and plan to do this afternoon), but it’s currently 451,803 words written this year. Guessing I’m going to land somewhere around 453,000ish. (AO3 claims a higher number than that but that’s because it is counting the entirety of fics where I posted chapters this year.

This year I wrote and posted: I wrote a fair number more than I posted (there are five fics finished but for various reasons unposted on my hard drive) but based on Tumblr I posted 78 posts in my fic tag, which, not including chapter specific updates and three sentence meme answers (but including at least two Tumblr-only longer fics), probably comes out to about 60 or so “full length” fics that saw the light of day in 2020.

Overall Thoughts

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? 

Well, I wrote more than I did last year, which is sort of a surprise to me (all things considered) but also maybe not, because I was doing a lot less of most other things that could’ve been occupying my time, including two hours daily of commuting. 

But still less than I did in 2018. Which is fine.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? 

Lord, I don’t know. It depends on when you ask me. Lately I’ve been in a bit of a “I hate everything I’ve written ever” state of mind, so that makes it sort of hard to do any kind of...reasonable assessment. 

I know I’m proud of With Absolute Splendor but I have all these reservations about it and I can’t reread it for the most part because I always notice new things I wish I’d done differently. I feel pretty good about efforts in a common cause but something about it still makes me cringe, which I suspect has to do with my general self-consciousness. I have a hard time feeling unreservedly proud about...anything I wrote this year, really. 

I feel like the closest I get is maybe nor autumn falter which I am pretty pleased with and also which does hurt me a lot personally. Or I did end up overall pretty pleased with what came out of By Proxy.

But also the more I look at this question the more I start hating all my own work, so...guess this is kind of coming at a bad time.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I mean, I started writing in my first non-English fandom in many years, and specifically one where I was trying to engage more with the cultural background of the setting (in a way I wasn’t with, say, Death Note, when I was writing Death Note fic). So that was a risk. And I learned that it’s very stressful and there’s so many ways to make mistakes and I am, in many ways, a coward. But also I think I’ve learned a fair amount thanks to a lot of very patient people on the internet, so...there’s that.

Otherwise...I mean, I got ambitious with a few projects this year (the Big Bang fic and With Absolute Splendor stand out), but I’m not sure how much I really tried new things. 

I feel like I had to fight myself a little on writing straight up bad sex for By Proxy - I planned on it being hot, and it really wasn’t. It was mostly just miserable. Which made for a better fic, but was a new experience for me as far as ‘I thought I was going to write porn and that isn’t what I wrote.’

From my past year of writing, what was….

My most popular story of this year: 

By far, With Absolute Splendor. In fact, it has now become my second most kudosed fic of all time, behind only fuckin Life in Reverse. So like. That’s a thing.

(It is still less than half as many as Life in Reverse, but for context Life in Reverse has been around for going on eight years.)

Most fun story to write: 

Most fics where I feel like “I’m having so much fun writing this!” also go through a “oh god I hate this it’s terrible” phase which makes this sort of hard to assess. But I did have overall a lot of fun writing Mutual Friends despite all my frustration with the canon-wrangling I had to do to make it work in my head. 

But also I feel like both Retributive Justice and Embedded were in different ways deeply iddy fics that were just fun to write. That actually goes for a lot of the Whumptober fics. That was a very self-indulgent month. Excited to do it again in February (hopefully, if I can write things in a timely manner at all).

Story with the single sexiest moment: 

I feel like the beauty of your repair might be my personal favorite smut I posted this year, but I think my personal favorite that I wrote is in the big bang fic nobody will see until January. 

I feel like most of the sexiest moments I’ve written this year are in the porn fics I’m going to start posting in January also. But just generally I feel like the beauty of your repair is the sexiest thing I wrote and posted.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story: 

I mean, I Come With Knives is definitely up there. It’s not that wrong or anything, but it got pretty intense in some ways I wasn’t expecting. Mostly in how much blood got involved, which was actually more than I’d had it involved in a sex thing before! Kind of surprises me that I haven’t previously done more with bloodplay stuff but. Well. First time for everything!

I don’t think this was a year that really had any “wow, what the fuck, Lise” things in it. Nothing on the level of last year’s winner. I’m almost disappointed in myself.

Abattoir was definitely the story that generated the weirdest conversation and creepiest search questions, though, so it does get points for that. 

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: 

I feel like the writing of everyone else is spring bound was a lot of...me thinking through my Jiang Cheng feelings and specifically my Jiang Cheng post-canon feelings. 

the martyr, the victim was pretty formative in shaping how I think about both Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji and their relationship with each other. It was the first fic I wrote that really dug into them in any way, I think, and definitely one that informed how I thought about writing Lan Xichen later.

Hardest story to write: 

I was thinking it was the one that I haven’t posted yet but I did technically finish, aka my Big Bang fic, the terrible threesome fic, the massive “I’m gonna keep everyone in the Yi City arc alive” AU that I started shortly after finishing The Untamed and finished in December. So I spent most of the year writing it.

But then I was like - no, I’m going to have to go with we live until we die even though it’s technically been ‘in progress’ for five years and really kicked into gear in 2019 and I just finished it and posted it this year, because that fic was like. The culmination of a big arc in an enormous verse dealing with a whole lot of balls in the air and trying to tie up a whole lot of threads. It was ambitious and the stakes were high and it was full of plot and action which are not two of my strengths...frankly I’m still amazed I pulled the damn thing off.

Biggest Disappointment: 

I think it is better if I refrain from going too in depth on this because it would just end up as me listing a bunch of my perceived failings. But I think off the top of my head I’m frustrated by the fact that I still haven’t really managed to write a XueXiao smut fic that quite hits the spot for me, myself. I’ve written two and for various reasons I don’t really like either of them. 

Biggest Surprise: 

The fact that my Jiang Cheng fic took off the way it did. Legitimately did not see that coming! At all! I mean, I’m delighted by it but it wasn’t what I saw happening as far as “niche I’d find in this fandom” or “thing I’d write that people would really enjoy reading.”

Particularly with By Proxy. That fic got a lot more attention than I would’ve expected. 

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: 

I feel like every fic I write with Xue Yang in it tells you something about me and most of those things are things that make me, on some level, deeply self-conscious, but I try not to think about that too much.  

I feel like the most telling story is maybe we all drift sometimes because I literally wrote it out of a depressive episode about a bad brain day but that wasn’t unintentional.

Favorite Opening Line(s):

1. So it turned out that if you touched the tendons of a dead person’s wrist and channeled a little bit of spiritual energy just right, it made the fingers twitch and curl like they were still alive. (Abattoir)

2. Here’s the thing: your Daozhang is glorious when he kills. (tear out all your tenderness)

3. Turned out that a sect leader’s head came off like anyone else’s. (Unnatural Selection)

4. The first hint that anything had gone awry was the letter from Lan Wangji (His Excellency Hanguang-jun, pardon me) that simply said have you heard from Wei Ying? (some good mistakes)

5. What Jiang Cheng wanted to do, more than anything, was to go home and take a nap. (everyone else is spring bound)

Favorite Line(s) from Anywhere:

I usually keep this to 10 but because I’ve been in such a :| place about my own writing I indulged myself this once.

1. Sometimes it felt like all he had done since descending the mountain was shatter his own dreams and accumulate regrets. (nor autumn falter)

**

2. It felt like she was holding all the components of a bomb in her hands, half assembled. If she moved the right way they would stay just that: components. But if she moved the wrong way… (til my judgment day)

**

3. He should have killed him. Should have been the one to strike that blow, in revenge for Jin Zixuan and their sister and everyone else dead for Wei Wuxian’s pride. Maybe then there would not be this gnawing, aching thing embedded in his chest; this itching, unfinished feeling. Maybe then he would not feel torn in two, sometimes like he should have reached out with his other hand and sometimes like he should have struck truer and sometimes both, in the same moment. (Interstitial)

**

4. He owed Wei Wuxian more than he could ever give back in this lifetime. Forgiving him felt like betraying his sister’s memory. Not forgiving him felt like trying to walk with a thorn in his foot. He was just - stuck, caught like a demon in a spiritual net.

Jiang Cheng thought of the way Wei Wuxian looked at Lan Wangji, with warmth and trust and love, and the aching, sick jealousy he had no right to feel returned. He felt a little like a child watching someone pick up a toy he’d abandoned and suddenly realizing that he wanted it back. (everyone else is spring bound)

**

5. You close your eyes and think about how he looked back in that town, Shuanghua slicing clean through a man’s neck, opening it to the spine, and think dizzily that he could open you like that and it’d be good, as long as it lasted. (tear out all your tenderness)

**

6. When Wangji loved, he loved with his whole being, without reserve. And now he had been placed between the rock of his convictions and the hard place of his devotion to Wei Wuxian. (the martyr, the victim)

**

7. He spent a week turning the idea over in his head. Studying it like a corpse he was going to dissect, poking at it, cutting it open and examining its insides. (dead reckoning)

**

8. When the world hurt you, that was the only thing to do, after all. Hurt it back, harder, worse. Spill rivers of blood for every drop it squeezed from you.

And when the end came, never go quietly. (the blood in your mouth)

**

9. I would stand with you through the end of the world, said Loki’s voice in his head, and Steve’s heart wasn’t in his chest anymore, was somewhere off on another planet where Loki was lying dead in a ruined city. (we live until we die)

**

10. Was it always going to be like this? Stumbling into traps, tripping over familiar skeletons, slicing himself open on the edges of old hurts. Was there really such a thing as leaving the past behind? He still felt stuck in it, unable to move, and every time he thought he might be finally dragging himself free something pulled him back. (With Absolute Splendor)

**

11. His chest was full of poison. His throat was full of grief. And he was still a little drunk.

Jiang Cheng went to his room, sat down on his bed, put his face in his hands, and cried until he couldn’t breathe. (By Proxy)

Top 5 Scenes from Anywhere You Would Choose to Have Illustrated:

I think the scene from nor autumn falter of Xiao Xingchen just crying his heart out over Xue Yang’s dead body would be up there.

The Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian hug from the end of With Absolute Splendor.

Okay, just gonna say it: Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao having sex by the table with Nie Mingjue’s headless corpse on it. So sue me.

The scene in the blood in your mouth where Song Lan has stabbed Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen is following the line of Fuxue to the latter. I have a very clear visual of it in my head and if I could art I’d art it.

Xue Yang with the hallucinatory Xiao Xingchen from liberate spirits, liberate souls.

Fic-writing goals for 2021:

Finish Walking Far From Home.

Maybe I’ll finish some of these MCU WIPs? I’d kind of like to, on an abstract level if nothing else.

Become a more well-adjusted human being about the relationship between my productivity and my self-worth.

[maskeraith]

big eldar scrolls on line post about what i thought about it

may have some spoilers for the morrowind storyline and sidequests idk also I am inevitably gonna compare it to ffxiv a lot as it’s the only other mmorpg I’ve played good luck

Writing this after finishing writing the rest wow this got too long there is a tldr though haha

so the first thing I will say is that eso’s overworld exploration and sidequesting blows ffxiv away completely, there is so much to do and fun to be had in eso simply by exploring around! the enemies feel cool to fight, there are delves and solo dungeons to just stumble across with quests in there, skill points just lying around if you look hard enough, gathering spots that you can just gather from without having to be a specific profession or something, WORLD bosses that you need a group to battle just OUT there it’s really cool! Ffxiv does have some really beautiful environments but in terms of actual stuff to do, there’s literally just fates and they’re pretty shit to be honest, and i guess the sightseeing log??

and sidequests! all my time in the game was spent in the morrowind area (vvardenfall I think? my eso lore is zero watch out) and every sidequest I did had a really engaging storyline. They do mostly amount to fetch quests and slay monster quests in terms of gameplay with some puzzle moments sometimes, but the storylines were captivating enough to justify most of what you had to do. compared to ffxiv which is BLOATED with boring fetch quests with uninteresting storylines eso has it figured out. the characters you meet and their dialogue is great and sometimes you can even make choices which affect the final outcome of the quest which is always fun (your character having the personality of a brick aside). I actually think I enjoyed certain sidequests more than the main story of morrowind they’re that involved

Also there are world events but I didn’t really get into them, there was like a huge tornado which spawned some enemies that give you massive exp, but my horsey was too slow and I only got there at the tail end because they’re great for farming so every player in the world goes there and kills them instantly they seem cool though

in terms of lore, I’m not someone who is super interested in the lore of the elder scrolls universe but I found myself learning a whole lot of very crazy stuff from the friends I was playing with who DO know all about it, and I will say that if the lore of the elder scrolls universe interests you in any way you’ll love this game! so I learned that there are Eras in this universe, and eso takes place in the second era I believe. The other main series games all take place in the third or fourth I think, so eso is able to like set the groundwork for those games and explain the history behind stuff going on in all the main games, which I think is a really good idea, perfect for fans of the lore and stuff. Like I remember the funny talking dog from skyrim and he’s like the primary antagonist of the morrowind main story like woah

The combat is where I think the game started to fall off for me, again with the ffxiv comparison but it just wasn’t reaching levels nearly as interesting as the combat in that game for me.

Firstly, there’s no tab targetting (unless there’s a setting in the menu somewhere i missed?) you actually aim all your attacks, single target, aoe, whatever. for me this made it harder to be able to gain a situational awareness, and I have to keep my camera aimed at the boss and I’m not able to move it around to see if there was anything else going on. I do see how aiming your attacks could actually make the game more appealing to some people, though, as it does give a sense that you are more actively participating in the battle and not just standing there pressing buttons, but for me this sort of thing doesn’t make any difference

The second thing was the amount of abilities you have at any one time - you have 10 abilities and 2 ultimates slotted at any one time. Five and one ult are active at a time, and you have to swap weapons (it’s as easy as the press of a button) to switch to your second bar with the other 5 and 1 ult. This does make the game a lot more accessible I think, but it also means the stuff you get to do is just gonna be a lot more straightforward and spammy compared to the interesting and involved rotations you get in ffxiv. as a tank, I set myself up to put three dots and a debuff on the enemy and then spam my one damaging attack, until I had to reapply the stuff again, and that was basically it. I had some tank cooldowns too like a shield, heal, a grab and so on. I did look up the Most Complicated Rotation to see how hard it could get, which seemed to be stamina nightblade, and even that has “Ability x11″ or something in its rotation

Simple rotations would be fine for me if the bosses themselves were more difficult or complicated to compensate, but honestly nothing was any more difficult or involved than ffxiv. On youtube I’ve watched like 5 dungeons and a trial on the hardest Veteran difficulty, and the dungeons don’t look like anything more than what you would get in other mmos. The trials looks like really great content honestly, but there’s no party finder for them as far as I know so you have to manually gather 11 other people which is never something I enjoy trying to do in multiplayer games lol

i also didn’t super appreciate that the game wanted to like hide a bunch of info from me by default? like a few hours in I complained that it was impossible to know when my dots and self buffs ran out because all I had was like little particle effects on the enemy/myself to go off, and my friends were like “oh yeah you need to turn on these tooltips in the options” like huh?? I need to know this stuff come on

There is some really cool stuff in the combat though! Every player has like a basic bash attack, which can interrupt certain attacks, and then a basic heavy attack, which can knock down staggered enemies (they get staggered if you interrupt them) so there is more to do than just your abilities.

One thing I will mention though, is that I think a huge part of the combat is resource management - you spend stamina/mana on your abilities and if you’re not careful it’s easy to run out. As a tank, blocking takes up stamina, and sometimes I would not manage it correctly and run out and be unable to use my anything for a bit. You get it back by doing heavy attacks (contrary to every game ever) and other like passives unique to whatever build you might have going on. A lot of the game’s difficulty in harder content might come from this, but I didn’t get that deep into any of that sort of thing

I think the way you pick your abilities is really cool - you level up a whole bunch of different skill trees at a time, and you can slot any ability from any tree at any time (other than weapon skills specifically, you must be weilding that weapon) into your 10 slots. Your class has three unique trees, then there’s like a tree for every weapon type, for mage and fighter’s guild, this weird guild called the undaunted, werewolf and vampire, probably more I forgot about. All of them have 5 skills that you unlock as you level that tree, and all of those skills can be morphed into one of two “strong” versions of that skill once you level that specific skill. So there is a huge amount of player choice in how you build your character! I remember getting loads of advice from my friends but also just thinking to myself “but this skill though...” (i am so sorry). There are loads of passives too but they’re kind of lame and you just sort of put your excess skill points in them to make yourself passively stronger. I am sure there are Optimal builds, but playing casually you can literally just do anything

I do think levelling them can sometimes be a pain though because like, if you want the fifth ability in Skill Tree 1 but you don’t really use any of the first four, well actually you do have to start using a bunch of those skills you don’t want because you gain more exp for that skill tree the more of its skills you use, sort of a minor thing I guess

Finally I will talk about how I really do not like the execution of the loot system... So you get armour sets in this game and if you wear 5 of them you get a very significant passive, like whenever you crit you summon a big ghoul to shoot acid, or all of your aoe abilities also taunt. I think this is a super cool idea in theory, and it allows for even further personal customisation of the kind of character you want to play. However..

So the max level is 50, but the real max level is like 180 or something because at 50, you continue to level up but each level just gives you a point to put into these big huge bonus passive skill trees which continue to increase your stats up to the 180th point or something like that. In eso, though, you can go anywhere and do anything and all the enemies are scaled to you. But, it’s actually that you are scaled to the enemies - while below level 50, you get an invisible buff that makes you as strong as a level 50 character. This means that every level you gain, you actually get slightly weaker, if you’re not updating your armour.

Armour drops at whatever level you are, up to the cap of 180 where you are the strongest you can be. So ultimately what this means is every piece of armour you get up until you reach the level cap will quickly become obsolete. Every time I collected 5 pieces of a set and got a cool passive, all I could think was “this will be fun for about 4 levels” because I knew I’d need to swap it all out for stronger stuff. Essentially I felt locked out of seriously farming for the gear sets I wanted until I reached Max Max level, which made everything I collected seem pretty pointless to me.

Also, always being as strong as a level 50 character did kind of make it feel like I wasn’t really levelling up at all? It’s why I broke my rule of “I will get to level 50 before stopping” because I actually was level 50 all along, I got all the abilities from my skill trees that I wanted and ran a bunch of dungeons with them and I was in the 30s, but there were no other skills I could really see myself swapping out so I was essentially “max level”, as far as I was concerned.

so yeah tl;dr these are my two main opinions:

This game is an awesome time running around and exploring the environment, doing quests and running dungeons! If you’re a fan of the elder scrolls world and lore it is absolutely a must play!

Customising your character’s skills and armour sets is a lot of fun, but I do think it comes at the expense of not having a really finely tuned, coherant combat style, it feels a lot like I’m Just Hitting All The Buttons.

The end lol

[dramione-tea]

recommendations & little snippets of myself

by Cassiopeia Candles ( Instagram: @casseopya.candles )

note: click the title in order to be directed to the desired fan fiction.

- for the dramione shippers, I wish you luck! 

Unrequited Love  [ casspiane ]

“Darling, I wished you knew,” 

Draco Malfoy x Original Characters (OC)

1. Love Never Dies. [ rosebuds_ ]

Rachel Farrell, pure blood witch, family of Gryffindors. First year is not the best for Rachel. She struggles trying to fit in and be accepted by those around her. Falling for Draco Malfoy, Rachel has to overcome a wave of obstacles. She finds it difficult to be accepted by her family and turns to the Malfoys... Which was undoubtedly one of the biggest mistakes she made. Find out what happens to Rachel and what truly changes her life.

- Literally binge read the whole book during my 6th grade examination. ( I know it was bad for me ) But hey I didn’t fail.  

P.S. Don’t be like me. 

2. midnight of the masquerade [ seraphilims ]

a story in which two people realize masks only hide the appearance - not the heart. 

- Love the story plot.  I’ve read this thrice in different years. 

3. Imperio [ pansyparks ]

The younger sister of Cedric Diggory, Arden, is a Slytherin who doesn't fit in. Draco Malfoy, a wealthy Slytherin bully. The two come together, and Arden realises that being a Slytherin isn't so bad after all; but with a few bumps in the road for Draco, can they stay together?

4. Dear Draco [ malfoyuh ]

❛stay a little longer❜

- 15 year old me were in tears, so was my heart.  Rate it as 5/5.

5. Let’s Kill Tonight  [ Bambey ]

Rebecca Rosewood's life is dramatically changed when she becomes a Death Eater. With blood on her hands, she is summoned by Voldemort to go to Hogwarts and extract information from the famous Harry Potter, finding herself hopelessly attracted to Draco Malfoy at the same time. But it all gets a little too much when her past finally catches up with her...

- One of the first fan-fictions I’ve read about Draco.

6. if looks could kill [ WhenInDoubtSleep ]

In times like this, the truth can rewrite the past and alter the future. In an attempt to find herself amidst the deceptive lies and horrible truths, she finds Draco Malfoy instead. She honestly just wants to make it out of the year alive...and maybe with a few less kisses from the blond git. Love story set during the sixth year at Hogwarts.

7. Always Had A Thing For Bad Boys [ oxNeverShoutNeverxo ]

8. Who Are You?  [ TheBlondeAdventurer ]

Draco Malfoy. One of the most arrogant teenage boys in Slytherin's house. He struts through the school and doesn't miss an opportunity to cut someone down, just as he has been by his father his entire life. Now enter Elena Crowe. A quiet girl who tries her hardest to stay out of trouble, and one of Ravenclaw's best students. She always has the best answers and never fails to help someone in need, even if they may not deserve it. In their sixth year at Hogwarts, Draco finally runs into Elena, whom he has never seemed to notice before. Elena does her absolute best to stay away from him, because all he can be is trouble, but Draco finds amusement by forcing himself into her life. For what reason, he doesn't know; but what he does know is that he enjoys bantering with this quiet girl, because even she can get riled up and fight back. But Draco will see that Elena is a lot more than what she may seem. Soon he will be battling morales, his past, his family, and both of them may end up facing off in the final battle not with Lord Voldemort, but each other.

- To be completely honest, read this one more than 3 times. 

9. Unwanted Legacy [ writtenbyciara ]

" admit it, you care about me. "

- Recently read this months ago and found it quite interesting. The author’s writing style is different from the rest as her words make you visualize more on what is happening. 

- Book 1 & 2 is complete, while book 3 is still on its way. 

Draco Malfoy x Hermione Granger (Dramione)

1. We Learned The Sea [ floorcoaster ]

Draco Malfoy turns himself in after a very successful career as a Death Eater, then enlists Harry and Hermione to help him in a scheme to bring down the Dark Lord.

- This gave me the feels.  Draco’s personality in this is far most different from the books and other fan fictions.

2. The Bachelor  [ Fluff ]

Hermione's mother is pressuring her into finding a boyfriend. On a whim, she applies and is accepted into the wizard version of The Bachelor. But what happens when The Bachelor is none other than Draco Malfoy himself?

3. Defending The Dark  [ Cece Louise ]

Almost three years after Voldemort's defeat, Hermione Granger is a Ministry-appointed Defense Inquisitor. Her next assignment: defend Draco Malfoy. She's sure there must be some mistake. Confronted with mysterious memories, candid conversations, and confusing feelings, she is plagued with uncertainty. Just who is Draco Malfoy? And does he deserve a second chance?

4. Graveyard Valentine  [ Bex-chan ]

Hermione thought she was the only person in the world who would spend Valentine's Day in a Graveyard, but she was wrong. He's there. Every single year, with his gloves, roses, and answers. Dramione Valentine's Day one-shot. Post-Hogwarts. 

- All time favorite.

5. Eighteen Months  [ Istalindar ]

When Hermione is diagnosed with a magic allergy and kidney failure during the summer, everything changes for her, friends, enemies..life.

6. Love Me Twice [ Bex-chan ]

'"They tore her apart and then wiped me out of her mind to send me a message. To mess up my life. To break..." he trailed off. Blaise nodded his head with understanding. "To break your heart," he finished for him.' Dramione. One-shot.

7. The Wrong Strain [ Colubrina ]

Everyone knew what veela were. Veela were magical creatures, breathtakingly beautiful, who captivated men with a single look. It would have been nice to have been that strain. Instead, Hermione Granger was infected by another. Instead of captivating all men, she was captivated by one. She'd die without him. She was already in almost constant pain. 

8. Entwined In Time  [ TheSummerNightingale ]

When Hermione and Draco get put into detention together, a potion mishaps throws them back in time: into the Marauders' era. As they begin to adjust to life twenty years into the past, the two become drawn together, sharing the bond of the future as they are forced to work together to return to their own time.

9. Destiny [ Annie Lockwood ]

Hermione's wedding night is everything but perfect for the young witch. Her new husband and long-time friend, Ronald, is passed out drunk and she thinks upon her life leading up to that night. Hermione falls asleep, despondent and alone. When she wakes up the following morning, she is still in bed with her husband. But it isn't Ronald Weasley.

10. Silencio [ AkashatheKitty ] 

One late night, hate turns to lust.

11. Clean [ Olivie Blake ]

Malfoy's handsome face was contoured into a condescending smirk. "No faith in that giant brain of yours, Granger?" She looked up at him defiantly. "Maybe I don't have faith in you!" she said, raising her voice. Malfoy only looked at her. "You'll find I'm very surprising."

12. Marked  [ Olivie Blake ]

Two dead. Three missing. The Order is down a leader and another innocent takes the Mark. Where is the Chosen One, and who killed Draco Malfoy?

13. The Fallout [ everythursday ] 

Hermione learns about growing up through the redemption of Draco Malfoy.

14. Every Day, a Little Death [ LovesBitca8 ]

It has become common knowledge that Hermione Granger cannot have an orgasm. Many have tried, none have succeeded. Can Draco Malfoy offer his assistance?

15. familiar faces, worn out places [ LovesBitca8 ]

“You are at St. Mungo’s. You were in a coma.” He looks me over again, taking a pause. “I am a Healer here now,” he says, like it explains something. My fingers stretch, drifting across his sleeve. He looks down, like I’ve thrown mud at him.

Forcing my vocal chords together for the first time, I whisper, “What’s your name?”

16. Kiss Me, Haunt Me, Kill Me [ LovesBitca8 ]

"So," she said, and her voice was just as he'd remembered it, "you've chosen to haunt the castle as well?" She lifted her brows. "I'm dead. What's your excuse?" ~*~ Draco Malfoy returns to Hogwarts as Potions Master to find the ghost of Hermione Granger floating through the halls.

17. Ribbons Down Her Back [ LovesBitca8 ]

The unintentional annual seduction of Draco Malfoy through a series of ribbons and bows - or - Christmas Fluff with a dash of Secret Santa.

18. Manacled  [ SenLinYu ] 

Harry Potter is dead. In the aftermath of the war, in order to strengthen the might of the magical world, Voldemort enacts a repopulation effort. Hermione Granger has an Order secret, lost but hidden in her mind, so she is sent as an enslaved surrogate to the High Reeve until her mind can be cracked.

19. The Library of Alexandria  [ SenLinYu ] 

 The Library of Alexandria is not for just any witch or wizard. Many bookworms may try but few are permitted to pass through its doors. The books residing there are ancient and powerful and, if one happens to make a mistake, the consequences can be rather—novel.

20. A Slow Cruel Descent + A Fragile Ascent  [ SenLinYu ]

A Slow Cruel Descent

The war grinds on and Hermione Granger, the lead intelligence for the Order of the Pheonix, is captured. Unable to crack her through interrogation without risking her mind, Voldemort conceives a cruel method of breaking her that involves a reluctant Draco Malfoy.“He stared at her in disgust.She looked—broken.The fire she’d still had when she was dragged in was now extinguished. Her eyes were locked on his face like she were memorizing him.“Stop staring at me.” He snarled. “You stupid bint. You’re supposed to be so clever. They can’t break you with torture but a fucking potion reduces you to a sniveling traitor.”

A Fragile Ascent

The War is over. Voldemort is dead. And Hermione Granger is broken.

21. Sweetly Broken [ LadyKenz347 ] 

As the dust settles following the Battle of Hogwarts, Draco’s confidence, belief system, and world are shattered.In an attempt to mend his broken pieces, he turns to vials that take the pain away. But once the high’s are no longer so high and the lows get so much lower, Draco has to start a journey of healing and redemption that often hurts more than it helps.

22. Truth, Lies, and Storytelling  [ BreathOfThePhoenix ]

“Hermione,” Harry took a deep breath and flipped the book over to see the back cover, “why is my name on this?”“Like I said, someone is writing about us. The film we just saw was based on that book,” Hermione tapped the cover of the book on the top of the stack, “and it was incredibly accurate.”Harry passed the stack of books over to Ginny, holding on to the first one. He turned the title of the book over in his head, mumbling the words quietly to himself.“Harry Potter… me… Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Philosopher’s stone. Hermione, this feels weird. Am I the narrator?”When Hermione and Draco uncover a familiar new film called “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” they learn that the wizarding world may not be as well hidden as they thought.

23. DIVINATION FOR SKEPTICS  [ OLIVIEBLAKE ]

The latest in magical advancements is an enchantment that reveals the bearer’s romantic compatibility with another person. Effectively eliminating uncertainty from dating, the charm can tell you whether or not you’ve found The One with a precise, Hermione Granger-approved calculation of traits and preferences. It’s a foolproof method of predicting relationship happiness. It’s also, for Hermione, positively dreadful news.

24. Isolation [ Bex-chan ]

He can't leave the room. Her room. And it's all the Order's fault. Confined to a small space with only the Mudblood for company, something's going to give. Maybe his sanity. Maybe not. "There," she spat. "Now your Blood's filthy too!"

25. Hunted [ Bex-chan ]

Forced to work together when their old schoolmates start dying, Hermione & Draco must overcome their differences to solve the mysterious deaths. The tension in the office is getting rather...heated.

If you reached to this part. 

HEY THERE! 

Feel free to message me on instagram if you ever feel the need to fan girl, I do too most of the time. 

[pumpkincentaur]

would you rather: writing edition

Thank you to @seas-dubh for the tag! I love would you rather tag games so this is going to be a lot of fun!

1. historical or futuristic

I almost always end up leaning towards the past, even when I’m writing off-earth fantasy... I never end up doing futuristic tech levels. A future project is definitely going to change that, but it’s an outlier.

2. the opening or closing chapter

Endings are one of the first things I come up with when I’m outlining, and I’m always absolutely ecstatic to get to my endings. I even know how the sequel to my current project is going to end.

3. light+fluffy or dark+gritty

I lean towards darker plots. I just do. I don’t consider myself a grimdark author by any sense of the word, and all my work has lighter moments mixed in, but the overall tone of my projects usually leans towards darker territory, or at most the middle of the road.

4. animal companion or found family

I don’t usually go super hard for found families (I have a couple hypothetical projects that have them that I have not written yet), but I go hard away from animal companions. Not even on purpose. Somehow, despite growing up with animals my whole life, I have never actually written a character with a pet that’s, like, actually around. I think maybe a family in an old WIP maybe had a couple of dogs who barked in like one scene? Somehow I just forget that animals exist.

5. horror or romance

I legit can’t choose with this one.

6. hard or soft magic system

Unfortunately, I enjoy rules too much. I am not a Brandon Sanderson level hard magic builder, but I find systems with clear consequences easier to write about... however, I enjoy a combination as well! UHT has some elements of this, with Godsblood being a hard magic system and another magical element being much softer due to the fact that nobody knows what the heck they’re doing with it at any given time.

7. standalone or series

I am terrible at NOT writing series. UHT is the first book in a duology, and that is the smallest thing I have ever plotted out for myself.

8. one project at a time or always juggling

Laser focus or bust, baby

9. one award winner or one bestseller

I like money. The only book award I really know about is the Hugo, but I would rather have money.

10. fantasy or sci-fi

I really like sci-fi, but my tastes in that genre are more specific compared to fantasy, where I will just eat almost everything I can get my hands on. I love big sprawling epics, I love fantasy romance, I love horror/dark fantasy, I love more contemporary deconstructions of the genre...

11. character or setting description

A problem I have had in early drafts for YEARS is forgetting to tell the reader what my characters look like until it’s awkwardly late. I don’t forget setting descriptions when they’re relevant, but I still haven’t given Hadriel a single character trait beyond ‘blue eyes’ in UHT draft 3 and I am more than 20k in, so...

12. first or final draft

I’m a weirdo. Revising makes me happy. I love editing and rewriting, and find finishing first drafts to be the hardest part of the process.

13. literary or ‘commercial’ genre

I really like reading literary fiction, because I love literary prose... but I am not a literary writer.

14. love triangle in everything or no romantic arcs

When I say I prefer love triangles, I don’t mean, like, literally... I just love really complicated character dynamics, and relationships are 100% part of that! Stringshatter features a love triangle that eventually becomes a polyamorous relationship, UHT features... well, a lot of people have a lot of feelings and Sionri is manipulating ALL OF IT. And also deeply involved in it. However, UHT has a lot of political elements and sometimes you have to seduce someone for political benefit. It happens.

15. constant sandstorm or rainstorm

Rain for the aesthetic, 100%.

Tagging anyone who sees this and wants to do it. Yes, that can mean you!

[smolbeandrabbles]

Selfish pt.8 - Sheriff of Nottingham x Reader (Robin Hood 2018)

@wltz-bby​ @happyskywhale​

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7

Author’s Note: This sat in my drafts for ages with a note screaming that I had all the plot points and just had to write it. At least it made me chuckle every time I looked at it! But it’s finally done! And I get to bring you more of the Sheriff and his Norse Goddess. (Come on, we know she is.)

I read this back out loud and made myself laugh a bunch of times. But also there are SO many great conversations in this. It’s another piece of mine I like very much 🥰

Disclaimer: Robin Hood characters & plot not mine  / mad world still courtesy of Otto Bathust / lyrics not mine

Premise: The more you look at Nottingham the more you see corruption in it’s power structure, and you turn to the one man you can confront. There are things that you want to move forward with in your relationship, but not until you’re on exactly the same page...

Words: 9575

Warnings: Sexual Pre-Amble / All the plot threads for the movie pick up and our girl is not best pleased with any of them / Scars/Sheriff’s Backstory

______

I tried to warn her this ain’t a friendly game It’s just warfare by a different name She won’t listen so I’m tryin' to pretend That I don’t know how the story’s gonna end It’s like a tight rope hangin' by a thread A vicious cycle where no one comes out ahead She’s divin’ in to try to save a drowning man But I’ll take her down with me if I can My heart stays locked away somewhere You’re the reason that it’s there

---

Fighting for the things you give me I wanna share your love Feelin' like a wounded soldier Strength is not enough And I can't win this battle on my own My sword has long been buried Piled on with dirt Speak to me your promises Resurrect your word I'll rise up and be your voice I made my choice This is my story Your songs are stored inside my heart So break me apart It's for your glory Let it pour out of me Let it pour out of me It's for your glory So ride out on your wings of love Show me that you're here Cast down on my enemies Trembling with fear Cuz I can't win this battle on my own No I can't win this battle on my own I'll rise up and be your voice I made my choice This is my story

---

Months more passed into your marriage, and you could happily - hand-on-heart - say that you were enjoying it. Askel became a little softer on it, but kept trying to point out that he wouldn’t see it as a real marriage until at least he was involved. When you put it to Marcus, as the witness, he simply held his hands up. “Look, I just did what I was asked. But if it was just for a certificate to prove something… I dunno if it counts.” You would let the Church argue that one. Tuck would have the answer, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to hear it or not. It was a marriage, and that’s what Wil was putting to the people, documents standing or not. It wasn’t something you even had to push down or to the back of your mind, it was just something you never thought on. At least your brother was starting to realise how much happier you were now, and that your husband continued to make you happy. That was what mattered. And their relationship was certainly getting better because of it. Askel’s English was broken, and his accent at times make it difficult (not that he cared), but he was trying now. That made you proud of him, especially when the Sheriff responded in kind with Norse. That made Askel happy – to see you were not the only one trying in your relationship. Both of you were making an effort for the other.  It had Askel thinking this might work after all, although on occasion he’d grumble to you about not getting the opportunity to stab the guy on behalf of your father, and then take you back home. Teasingly you offered to let Askel return home but he always refused, preferring to ‘protect’ you. Although you weren’t sure you needed it. Askel did like spending a lot of time down at the docks now, however, as the Norse ships started arriving – you knew he was enjoying being around your people again. You weren’t always on duty with your guard, and you had them all pretty well trained by now. Marcus liked to, on occasion, give you breaks and you seemed to be given a lot more advisory meetings to attend. Luckily Lucian was still around to help you with those. You weren’t sure you wanted to put unnecessary stress on someone who was meant to be retiring, but he simply chuckled: “My dear, these are the hardest fought battles. Political ones, you’re doing excellent work out there I can already see that. But now I must help you master these. Besides, I would feel better doing something for the Sheriff. Wil does need guidance on occasion! He made the right choice with you, of that I am certain.” He didn’t need to add that statement, and you were certainly humbled. You were done with those today, though, and you knew that Wil would be busy for the rest of his own. Considering how much complaining he’d done this morning whilst dressing. To save him from leaving looking riled up – especially as the Lords decided to make it their mission to collect him - you pulled him back from the door at the last second and into a fierce kiss. At least he’d left with a smile, if not a yearning to spend the remainder of his day alone with you. He’d been continually busy for the past few weeks, and less time could therefore be spent with him outside of quiet morning and night hours. You were aware that during this time Vesper had been able to stretch his legs less and less, and that horse was growing restless. You were off duty, and with nothing else much to do other than read or sit with your thoughts, you believed you could provide the perfect solution. You approached the Sheriff’s office fairly cautiously, greeted with a smile by Alden, who was now every so often joining your guard in training. Although you seldom saw the point, because he was already very good. He didn’t need you – but he wanted to be involved and that was sweet. “Good day, my lady.” He stood to attention and you politely inclined your head, “How is he?” “On and off. You’ll be welcome respite.” “What a shame that it is only to ask one question, is he with anyone?” “No, and he’d prefer for it to be kept that way until his next meeting. Of course, you will be a notable exception.” “I’ll knock anyway!” And you did so, but didn’t wait for a response before entering. “…Oh, thank God. I was beginning to think my personal guard wasn’t doing his job.” “You specifically told him I could enter?” “I don’t think he’d stop you.” Wil pushed his chair out to stand but you stilled him, “No, please, stay seated it’s just one question and I’ll be leaving! You have much to do.” “Well, you may ask when ready.” “Vesper.” “…Yes?” His head tilted. “May I take him out? Beyond the walls? I just… You’ve been busy and I’d like to make sure that he doesn’t get… too restless.” “Ah. Well I’ll defer to you, if you think he’ll be fine.” There were a few seconds of silence between you, before he smiled and added, “I think he trusts you, but do be careful.” “I will, I promise!” You beamed – it was all about respect, but you would want to keep control of a stallion like that. You’d watched Wil with him enough to know how it was done. Thinking better of just turning and running back out, instead you approached his desk, leaning down to catch his lips – this kiss far more gentle. “Enjoy your day.” The smile that graced his face was a delight to watch, “Thank you. I’ll try my upmost to make that so.” Wil took your hand in his, pressing his lips to your knuckles to bid you farewell, you couldn’t help beaming as you left the room, closing the door behind you and wishing Alden well. You were certainly about to have a good day. Marcus had told you previously that Vesper only let the Sheriff anywhere near him to ride. So you knew that if this worked it was another number to add to the apparent ‘miracles’ that were happening here because of you. Then again, you’d always had an understanding with this horse; he was considerably calmer with you than the others, and it didn’t take long for you to persuade him to let you saddle him up, hands through his mane and over his neck, before stroking his muzzle – whispering gentle words in Norse. The same ones you used to use with your own horse before he was fully used to you; until Vesper allowed you to slip on his reigns. “Okay, Vesper…” You stroked him delicately again, before swinging yourself up onto his back, “let’s get you running!” Although you were careful with him through the streets of Nottingham, you could feel the both of you getting used to each other, figuring the other out. He was tall and steady, more than Eyhamel was – but you had to remind yourself he wasn’t the same kind of horse. Which gave him the edge out here – he was used to walking streets like this now. Eyha was still nervous about how close some of them were; in the mines especially – he was used to small spread out houses, sea air and countryside. You wondered how long Wil and Vesper had been a partnership, did Vesper grow up on streets like this, or did he know Wil’s country estate? The one where his family had- Vesper tugged the reigns sharply and you gasped, knowing you’d have got distracted, out of sync. Angrily thinking on something you shouldn’t have been. It had transferred through you into him, and you were forced to take a calming breath. “Sorry. That one’s on me.” Both of you were eager to get running, and you could feel that energy as you approached the gates. You’d come a different way to usual today, and this one led out to the toll bridge; the ground was a little flatter and smoothed out down a slope, with no trees here you knew you could let the power in the horse beneath you fly. Although you didn’t get to do that right away, because as you pulled up to the toll bridge the scene unfolding in front of you demanded your attention. The guards operating the bridge were currently yelling in the faces of a couple of scared looking peasants. And when the yelling didn’t work, they were dragged to the floor and promptly beaten. The anger running through you into Vesper had him starting forward, and you were glad of it, not attempting to pull him back. “STOP!!! STOP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?”  Your shouts were at least controlled as you put Vesper between the guards and the people, forcing them to back up. Your look was hard and if they thought you were done with them- “What. Are. You. Doing?” You demanded once more, glaring. “They have to pay the toll, can’t pay, no entry.” The guard very nearly spat, as if you were the problem. Clearly he wasn’t impressed with your intervention. “Are you Nottingham guard?” If they were yours you were about to axe them on the spot, “Who do you report to?” “The council.” Oh, that meant they weren’t charged with defending the city. “We are not the guard.” “I should hope not.” You forced them to back up again, Vesper was happy to aid in the fact that you were having none of it, “I’d see you off my guard before you could think. Who authorised you to do this!?” “The Sheriff. We have our orders.” You stilled Vesper for a moment with one single blink, Wil? Wil was just letting this happen? Did he know it happened like this? You knew you didn’t want to believe it. “We’ll see about that.” If you weren’t so determined to take Vesper out you’d be marching back up to the palace and dragging him down here to witness for himself. “Let them through.” “On whose authority?” You folded your arms, “My husbands. My own. I don’t care – you should be ashamed of yourselves.” Power, give them a drop and things like this happened… You wheeled Vesper around to the two peasants, recovering themselves and their goods. “Are you alright? Do you need assistance?” Your face and voice were considerably softer. That would be a short trek, you wouldn’t have minded doing that.  But they both shook their heads, bowing their thanks to you. “No, M’lady! Thank you.” “Truly, it’s nothing. I can only apologise.” You waited to make sure that they got inside before turning back to the guard, “I catch you doing this again, you really will have to answer to someone higher than me, and I can promise you, you won’t be keeping your positions either.” You made sure to let that sink in with enough fierce in your voice, before once again turning his horse on a dime and urging Vesper out over the bridge. Well, now you’d need to spend some time out here cooling off, too.

The Sheriff, whilst all this was happening, had left his office. As much to be truly alone as to catch a glimpse of you, finding the highest point in the palace to keep an eye on as large an area of the outskirts as possible. He took his work with him, although he couldn’t say he wasn’t distracted. This could at least have been brushed off for a few days, the opportunity to watch you run his horse was not something to be missed. Wil found himself smiling uncontrollably as you did appear, and when you said run Vesper, you’d really meant it. You pushed him hard, galloping across the flat plains, fluctuating between sweeping and tight turns to add variety to the speed. But there were rivers and streams that you strayed into and Wil could swear he heard your laugh from all the way out there. And on the other side, lush long grass bled into the scenery and slopping hills, before it ended in forest. You never strayed up there, but you certainly strolled out of sight every so often. On these occasions he would just watch and wait for you to come back, instead of getting anything done. He sighed gently, before chuckling – wishing he could be beside you right now, wind rushing through his hair. A distraction maybe, but a welcome one. The Sheriff’s blue eyes flicked back down to his documents, before he firmly placed them to one side, focusing back on you. Voice soft as he mused to himself, “Well, Y/N… you’ve done it again…”

***

 Your escapades at the toll booth this morning didn’t take long to reach the Lords and, when eventually the Sheriff had to abandon his seat in favour of the Lords meeting, they were quick to jump on the subject with him. If he were honest, he was happy that you seemed to be taking control, using your voice, showing Nottingham your authority here. As you were married, he didn’t see anything wrong with you using him as your leverage. Wil supposed that the Lords didn’t like that you were female. He wasn’t about to let that kind of thinking stop you – and the Sheriff knew for a fact you weren’t either. However, apparently, you’d been busy in town this morning. “-She’s been messing with the toll bridge! That’s there for a reason, but she’s threatened the guard! They aren’t the city guard, not hers! She’s letting people through without paying the toll! This is unbelievable! She’s going to destroy everything we’re putting into place-!” Wil sat back in his chair, and stretched, looking between them all as they all began fussing and agreeing. He’d let them all talk, but not listen to a word. That was the reason you were here after all, was it not? You were here to shake things up, that was the purpose of putting you in charge. “With all due respect, gentleman, she is in her position to challenge the way things are done.” “She means to topple us.” The Sheriff held his hands up, “No, No. My wife will make things better for our city. I’m sure whatever happened at the toll was a misunderstanding. She already has our defences in better shape. She’ll do much more for us than that.” Pembroke gave him a look of significance, “The war effort?” His eyes narrowed, what was Pembroke suggesting? “She has no part in that, nor reason to know anything about it.” “The tolls-” “I will make sure that I explain to her the importance.” Wil took a breath, “I have this under control.” “Do you?” The Sheriff chuckled, “You think I can’t handle a woman like her? She’s young, she does not understand all our ways yet. She’s malleable – she’ll toe the line. I won’t even need to ask it of her.” He knew that you probably had a better grasp of things than he’d admit to them; but the war wasn’t anything he’d needed to involve you in, it was so far away. Getting you mixed up in it was unnecessary – besides that, he was sure that his side of the plan was something you could agree with. Also, right now William had to play the game the men in front of him wanted him to play – assumed he was playing. The Sheriff had to show that he could control you, that you weren’t unruly. It wouldn’t take much for one man in the room to think you were a little above your station and want you shipped back home. Or worse, there was so much worse that could be done… Wil crossed his arms over his body, just so the hidden blade pressed flat into his chest – they were underestimating the both of you. It anyone came for you, he’d protect you with his life, of that the Sheriff was already sure. You had a duty to defend him and his city, and you might think it to be that – whether you loved him or not. But he would certainly be doing this for love; the knowledge he’d never meet anyone quite like you ever again. Shaking Nottingham up was not the only thing you’d done, after all. You were undoing him piece by piece, and it had been so subtle at first Wil hadn’t even noticed – but now he wanted all these things he’d never considered before… and he wanted to share them with you. “See it done, Sheriff.” Oh he would. Just not in the way they thought.

*** By the time you got back it was late afternoon, you made sure to come back through the gate you went out of – shooting the guards a look, just so they knew you’d be going straight to the Sheriff with this. Luckily you weren’t in a nice dress today; you and Vesper by this point drying off nicely, but certainly a little worse for wear. Water stains and mud flecked your dress and his lower body. You couldn’t help but be glad you’d got to ride him, and from the signals he was giving off, Vesper was happy too. You dismounted as soon as you entered the palace grounds, laughing as you led him back towards the stable. You were happy to go and brush him down yourself, but when a stable hand came to relieve you of him – promising that all would be okay when you warned him of Vesper’s temperament – you found yourself void of things to do. Not for long, your curiosity had you running back to Wil to see if he’d be back from his duties today. Not in his office anymore, but his ready room. Doors and windows open, light flooded him and you had to pause and catch your breath at the way it broke over his form, his eyes, sifting through his hair, the occasional glint off his signet ring. You felt a knot in your stomach for a moment and couldn’t help but softly gasp as the heat ran through you. Oh. It was like that…

Eventually he put his quill down and his eyes raised to you. A small smile on his face as this time he did get up from his seat, “Darling, forgive me, come come…” The Sheriff waved you forward. “Oh, I-!” You walked to him, “I wasn’t waiting for your permission, I-” you took his hands in yours, loving the way the smile on his face grew exponentially as you did so, “I’m sorry. I was… a little dazed.” He chuckled, “By me?” letting your hands go he cupped your face, and that smile of his became a smug smirk. “Who else?” Your voice was soft, and you let him lead you to his lips. Even though his kiss was sweet and short it just made you want him more. But Wil cleared his throat: “What happened at the toll booth today?” You took a step back from him, hoping that tone wasn’t really as accusatory as it sounded to you, “Do you know what they are doing to your people-!!?” Suddenly all your outrage from this morning came flooding back, “I understand that tolls must be paid, but beating it out of people!?! If they can’t pay, turn them around, but BEAT them!?” “Y/N-” “NO! NO! Listen to me, do you have any idea how badly that reflects on you?” Wil’s eyebrows furrowed, how much you cared for him really was admirable, but you had to understand how this worked; “Y/N, those are the rules. You care too much. You do. It doesn’t matter what they think of me, but how they follow the rules.” “They’re BEATING pe-” you stopped yourself short, you knew he understood that. Hell, you knew he understood that better than anyone. “It matters. You are not a bad person. Stop… stop trying to make me believe you are.” “This is the way it goes.” “You’re better than this.” “I’m not.” You hated that sincerity in his eyes, why wasn’t he fighting this? “You are.” You shook your head, drawing him back to you, “You can stop this.” “You know it doesn’t work that way.” He stepped back and towards his desk, “Your actions are reflecting on you and if they think you’re pushing a little too far they will…” Wil left that sentence to finish itself. Any sexual excitement within you was suddenly gone at how nonchalant he was being, “I would like to see them try!” “This’s not the point, is it.” “You can’t ignore what they are doing on the pretence of protecting me, what if it was your idea?” The look in those blue eyes was almost haunting, “The Church is fine with this!?” “Backs bent, heads bowed.” The Sheriff’s voice sounded tired – something he’d heard and repeated all too often. Too much history. “I’m sorry, Y/N.” The shake of your head was not only in disappointment, but that you really hadn’t fathomed how big that barrier was to him. A wall you couldn’t see, and maybe one you’d never clear. “It’s not me you need to apologise to, but the people of your city. What they think of you matters, if only to me. And it should matter to you.” “They will think what they think, I have very little say in that. You on the other hand…” The Sheriff collected something from his desk, and held it out for you. “I care what they think of you very much. And whilst I may have my own barriers… you influence the thinking of this City. They will tolerate me to love you. And if you are swaying the people…” You took the letter from him delicately, “The Church can’t put a stop to that?” He nodded encouragingly as you turned your eyes to the parchment, and they widened at the seal, “…My- My father-!?” “I thought it only right for you to be the one to open it.” “Thank you.” The look in your eyes and that smile were so sincere. The kind he got to see on your face when all your defences were down, when you could be yourself with only him. Something Wil wished he could see much more often than he did. You broke the seal and read, small smile immediately widening, eyes scanning the English. It was a little grammatically incorrect… but the sentiment was there. It was English for your husband, that much was for certain. And your smile became a joyous laugh as you wiped a tear from your eye. “It’s a congratulatory letter on our marriage!” “Really!?” And the tone in the Sheriff’s voice made you look to him immediately; you didn’t ever think you’d heard it so light. So overjoyed. The wall was suddenly down as genuine awe crossed his face, eyes bright and wide. You gave a nod, before beckoning him to you, and as he rounded you Wil wound his arms around your waist, propping his head on your shoulder to read. You watched him curiously, at the way he tried and failed to hide that smile – eventually doing so by placing a kiss into your skin. “Well, the honour is certainly all mine.” You laughed, hands over his, “We’re getting somewhere.” “Anything is progress.” He agreed, “Long may that continue… But, with you here, perhaps there is nothing we can’t do.” “Well,” you reached behind you to run your fingers into his hair, “As long as I can change that attitude of yours. Keep your people on side… You keep running things as you do. We make quite the team.” This time the Sheriff’s kiss was to your neck, and he lingered there, making you shudder. “On that, I can agree.”

***

 Eventually you discovered that perhaps the Sheriff was not really protecting you at all. Perhaps he was protecting himself, perhaps his fairly blasé approach to the treatment of his people was not on account of the Lords and the Church. It was just more spun rhetoric; but spun to you? That hurt more than you expected. Clearly you weren’t supposed to find this out, but you had only just missed him in his ready room – with the window open and the wax still melted, a stack of draft notices ready to be signed; that right around now you had half a mind to burn - and all the signs that the room had been hastily vacated, made you believe that Wil was unexpectedly interrupted and he would return soon. You were fine with waiting but were looking a little too closely at the papers on his desk; one immediately confusing you, that looked like Arabic writing… And as you pulled it from out of the stack you gasped instantly in shock. Panic overtook you for a minute and in your wish not to believe it was what it so clearly depicted, you leafed through the documents to hide it again. But you knew you couldn’t leave it out of sight out of mind, and for all he had said to you, the Sheriff owed you an explanation. Wil took the stairs back up to his space with a grumble. Why anyone had thought that small breakages were important enough to interrupt him for he didn’t know. Other than him turning his annoyance on them “Just FIX it then!” and muttering about time wasting. He didn’t need to survey the evidence, all they needed to do was mend it: in fact the Sheriff wasn’t even sure he would have noticed if they hadn’t had directed his attention to it. When he reached his ready room, he was surprised to see you there, pouring over the papers on his desk. Wil thought this odd; you’d never been interested in draft noticed before now. You didn’t need to be either, he’d already said that he wasn’t about to touch your city guard. The Sheriff entered the room cautiously, and quiet, craning to see exactly what you were staring at. Unfortunately the angle of the rest of his stacks of documents didn’t make that so easy, and he was so tall you couldn’t fail to miss him. Wil didn’t even get to open his mouth. “This better be a peace treaty because not only is that Arabic, that’s the Church seal and there’s NO way in hell I want you involved with that!” You’d allow him an explanation, but your look to his face told the Sheriff he better not even think about lying to you now. Wil swallowed hard; his mouth opened then he thought better of it. You turned away from the desk, stance fairly aggressive – and that extended to the look in your eyes, colour vibrant with anger. Wil raised a hand to stop you before you started, you had to hear it from him, no matter how hard it might be for the Sheriff to say. “Y/N… It’s not- it’s not like that.” “Those are numbers, Wil, what are you doing!? Are you paying the enemy-!?” He pressed a finger to his lips “SHH!” and his tone was insistent, “Let me explain this!” “I don’t think you need to-! If you’re plotting with them that’s treason! What about the King!? And with the Church!?” You were clearly shocked, and Wil stepped back to close the door, eyes still on you, “After what they’ve done to you!? Being in league with them!?! The King is responsible for our union! He sent me here-!” “This has been going on a little longer than you’ve been present in my life and it’s not about that, it’s a means to an end!” “If they find out they will KILL you! You’ll be made a spectacle of! This is your country! Why send so many innocent men out there to die for a cause that you’re clearly working against! What is the play-!?” You took a step back as he took one forward, flinching. This wasn’t good, and Wil had to get you back on side quickly – but there was something about what you were saying, you still only cared for him. That’s what you were worried about, what would happen to him. “Is- Is that why you must be so silent!?” “Y/N. It’s not… please, it isn’t what you’re thinking. It is not that our King is bad, it is not… a means to seize power, that is just the outcome of an idea. But I need the support of the Church to take this all the way to being in power. Think about it, if I have unlimited power… control of England, then I have the means to stop the Church. There’ll be no more control, not of me, of the people, of everyone else they oppress just because they hold power through their ‘Divine’ cause.” He swallowed, exhaling deep and trying not to sound so fanatical, “…This only works if the King is removed. That will only happen if the enemy win. Then, once I am in place… Well, the Moors will bring their religion with them too, as you have.” You took one thing from this. “You don’t believe.” “Would you?” “…Wil…” That hurt so much, “Wil, you… you are lost!” No belief? No faith? In anything…? You stepped away from him again, which was too much for the Sheriff’s heart to take and his hand shot out to grasp your wrist, dragging you closer to him: “No! No. Not with you. I have never been lost with you.” He kept you there, but the look in your eyes was breaking his heart, “The King lets this happen. To me, to countless others… and so it continues. I can’t touch the Foundling House, I can’t stop this without winning this war, this way. What kind of King lets these things happen, Y/N!? Would your father!?” “There’s another way. Wil there is a better way. Working with the Church is not the answer.” “They will never see it coming if I involve them. They think the power is shared, really for the first time it is me using them. But, make no mistake, Y/N, I need them.” “No…” You wriggled free of his grip, but cupped his face instead, “You don’t.” “You told me I was a better person than this. Now you understand I’m not.” He indicated to the paper, “But I need you with me on this. And it is the only thing I will ask. Bad, yes, I admit as much… But to do a world of good? You must see that?” You looked away from him and back to the parchment, glaring hard. The Sheriff’s hands settled on your waist, but you didn’t back away from him this time. Your look was steely, and he was going to hear this once and once only and heed you on it. “I do not approve of this. But I am with you on it - IF at the end of all this I may slay some of these Lords and these people who hurt you. And I don’t want to hear another word from you on supporting our soldiers out there. You are going to tell me the truth, William, or I’ll take this to the King myself. Do you understand me? Not one secret.” There were a few more seconds of silence than you would like but eventually he nodded, “Yes, yes.  I understand.” And the Sheriff knew there was no way to threaten you or have you back down on this. You’d be much more likely to slit his throat than listen to his demands. You took a step back, “Find yourself. Because I don’t think you’ll do it in me.” Head down you brushed passed him and exited the room, deeply troubled. Wil turned to watch you go with a soft sigh; you had it all wrong. You were all of his faith that he had left. Nothing good had ever come of believing in a higher power or doing as the Church requested… but you, something had brought you across the water, and to him… The Sheriff wasn’t inclined to think that was just good luck. You stopped on the stairs and had to sit for a moment, hand against the wall; breathing hard to make sure you didn’t cry instead. You hated that you somehow sympathised with this cause. That you understood him. It was treason, it was crazy, Wil would bet his life on something so insane that may not even work out for him. You knew he was power hungry too… you didn’t like it but it was there, and you doubted he would deny it. The Sheriff wasn’t going to find taking that crown a burden, he would relish it. But after all the pain they had caused him in the past, if his end goal truly was to rid this country of its oppression under the Church, then you couldn’t help but agree it might be something desperately needed. It wasn’t just him after all – and it was quite clearly also affecting his present. Haunting Wil in everyone he had the misfortune of interacting with. After all, the Sheriff might be free of that house, but he was not free of them.

 *** The Sheriff certainly became more careful of the way that he spoke around you in meetings. But when you knew all the pieces at play, it was fascinating to watch them talk. You wondered if everyone in this room was in on it. Just a few of them? You started accompanying him to Church a little more just to keep your eyes on them. At night though, Wil would sit you down, or take you in his arms and he’d spill all those secrets that no one else would. Things that, by the way he told them, only you knew. When you asked if this was only because you asked, or if he really trusted you with such information he only smiled. ‘You should know.’ So, for the imminent attack of what every Town Hall meeting called ‘the far enemy’ you had begun challenging Marcus, Alden and Askel to defend the walls. Each of them picked a specialist crew from your guard and tried to defend the wall from you. Armed with a training sword and bow. The idea was to stop you from making your way inside the walls, but every so often another member of the guard was selected as a target and you had to get to them. Honestly it was the most fun you’d had in a while, even if it produced mixed results and some of the teams were far better at stopping you, or slowing you down, than others. Sometimes you wouldn’t even have scaled the walls or made it to the first gate. Sometimes you’d end up cornered on top of the wall, but you’d put up a pretty good fight before they finally caught you. Sometimes you could get through, but they’d slowed you down enough to gather a force up at the palace or to move your ‘target’ far from the scene. Sometimes they’d still be peering over the wall and you’d have to whistle them from an opposite roof, waving. Sometimes you’d end up dragging the target back to them and saying, “Well, my husband would be dead by now. Congratulations!” When they dared you to do the same thing, you were nearly always successful. Askel always scoffed and said that was just because you were so adamant at defending your man – not necessarily your city. Your argument was you were head of the Nottingham guard, so if you couldn’t stop people they might as well dismiss you now. (But you might also concede his point.) But it was a laugh, and you all enjoyed it so much that it became a regular drill, and you’d practice all times of day and in all weathers. The greatest thing was just to hear Wil turn it into propaganda; how the guard were preparing for all eventualities, that they were going to defend Nottingham just as the soldiers were defending ‘us’ in the Crusade. You’d only allow it because he always looked so happy to talk about good things happening and the Church always looked kinda sour about it. You did your best to act as a Lady of Nottingham would and not smugly smirk over at them… you didn’t always succeed. But pretty soon you and Askel were teaching the best and brightest to free run the roof tops and scale the palace in good time. Marcus was built a little heavier and it wasn’t his forte, but you admired him trying, before he eventually concluded he’d rather keep his feet on the ground. Alden however was quicker than you, and as you started to figure out how useful he’d be, you were actually glad of the Sheriff’s offer of his personal guard to the cause when necessary. More important to you, of course, was that you had to worry less about who Wil had to defend him, when you could see clear evidence of how good Alden was, and how much he’d grown, right in front of you. Lucien liked watching you with a shake of his head as if you were all young, naive idiots and, usually when you’d made it to the roof, called up to you that he didn’t realise Nottingham needed an ariel team. He wasn’t about to hide how proud he was of his guard growing, and almost literally flying, with you. One thing was for sure, if the far enemy did ever get over here, no matter what the Sheriff’s arrangement was, you and your boys would defend this city. You wouldn’t let innocent lives you were charged with protecting die just so he could take power. That, you vowed.

***

To show solidarity with your trainees - and those now returning to the city from war unable to be much use there anymore, but still wishing to help out, that you’d taken into your guard – every so often you would stand the wall yourself. You certainly didn’t mind it; everyone was in fairly good spirits and would call to each other up and down the wall. Sometimes they sung songs that you didn’t really understand and if Wil passed below you, he’d yell up about using such language around a Lady with a shake of his head. Only with them throwing back that you were ‘hardly a Lady’. You didn’t mind it much, you were just happy that everyone else enjoyed themselves and you got to look out across the landscape and dream about riding out as far as your eyes could see. Sometimes you could see smoke whisps coming from far off villages and on the occasions that you were facing Shirebrook you could only smile as you thought of Charles and Cara. They seemed due a visit, you would make a mental note of that. One thing you did always make sure to check on was the mines and the tolls. Regular contact with your people kept you popular and Marian, along with her Will, were always welcoming. Especially if you took Tuck with you. The four of you would discuss policy that you had no qualms taking back to your husband for your night talks; even if he blustered and told you he’d hear no more on it. As long as there was one voice in his ear attempting to help the people, you were happy being it. Especially away from the smoke and mirrors world of the Lords – who you trusted less and less the more they opened their mouths. Today you were back on the wall, and in a moment of true boredom, doing nothing more than passing the time of day with Marcus. There were still a few complaints you had that you’d only tell him, and as usual he’d simply chuckle about it and offer solidarity. Sometimes advice, but even just lending his ear helped you sort through things in your brain. Luckily it was a clear day, and the suns rays were warming but not beating down on you. Good on all accounts. However, you were distracted from the conversation by someone calling you: “My Lady-!” At first you couldn’t find the source, not the wall, or below you, “My Lady!” Turning you realised that they were in the street behind you, a small group on horseback. You approached the edge of the wall cautiously, Marcus walked in step, hand on the hilt of his sword, almost making you laugh to see how quick he would be to defend you from nothing. “Yes?” “My Lady, do you… perhaps know where we can find the Sheriff?” You tilted your head, why would they ask you? You’d been out here all day. “Your husband is expecting some very important members of his jurisdiction. They have arrived and urgently wish to speak to him but, we have looked everywhere. We were hoping you may be able to assist?” Instead of offering them any places you’d be convinced they wouldn’t have checked – that he wouldn’t want anyone else knowing of anyway – you simply chuckled, “Yes. I will find him for you, whereabouts would you like him sent?” “The main hall, if you please My Lady. Thank you.” You turned back to Marcus, “Well, right hand, I leave my watch in your capable hands.” “Go on. Aid him to his meeting. In fact stay, he’ll need you, I can imagine it’ll only be tedium!” You headed towards the set of steps with another barked laugh, “Thank you, Marcus! You’re sending me to that tedium too!” It didn’t take you long to figure out where Wil would be. If they’d been thorough in their search, there was only one room they wouldn’t dare enter. Each and every room you could knock on and, alright you’d be facing his wrath if you entered without permission, but you’d have still found him. If they couldn’t find him, then he was out – unlikely, considering Wil often told you if he was to be away from the palace for too long – or he was here. You knocked gently on your room door and upon receiving no answer opened it softly. Your assumption was correct and you closed the door quick, but silently, behind you. Wil was lying on his front on the bed, arms folded under his chin, completely unbothered by the day. You stilled for a second, wondering why he might have left his shirt off. You weren’t about to ignore how much those scars still made your heart ache. He was clearly here to hide away from the world, you weren’t about to stop him. “Darling, what’s wrong?” Your voice was soft, as you walked forward, studying him for any signs that it was anything of significance. Illness? He’d been alright when you’d left him this morning. Wil sighed, shuffling, “To be honest I’m fed up with everyone. I just needed some quiet time alone. Not to be shirking my duties, but…” You paused, not wishing to be intrusive if he didn’t want, “From me too?” “No… No…” He chuckled, “You can stay.” You clambered onto the bed, still surveying his body; “You’re tense…” “I’m what?” “Tense… It’s all in your body language… your shoulders are tense, are you okay?” Wil opened his mouth, but clamped it shut, lucky that you wouldn’t see. No, he dare not tell you about what was going on in his head. “Yes, I’m… fine.” “Just close your eyes and try to relax…” He was suddenly aware of a pressure on his lower back, and your legs brushed against his as you settled yourself on top of him, trying to make sure not to pressure him with too much of your weight. Suddenly your hands were on Wil’s shoulders, pushing gently against all the tensions that had built themselves up in his muscles. “What are you doing?” “It’s just a massage… don’t worry, I’m pretty good at it, you can thank your rigorous guard training for this – my mother passed it on to all her children and now all you guard are perfecting it too. Good for war and training injuries but, also tension… and you, husband dearest, are extremely tense. I will not ask what is troubling you, but I would like to relieve you of it.” He groaned gently as you worked at the knots, which made you smile, at least he was enjoying it, “That feels good…” “Yeah?” “Yeah… Where have you been all my life?” He moved his arms from under himself at your insistence. “Well, now you know. Just come to me!” The Sheriff groaned again as you worked down his arms, into his fingers, and then back up, “Can you do it a little harder?” “Oh I forgot, it’s not fun if it’s not painful.” You smacked him playfully, “Sure, whatever you say.” But that only made him elicit more contented groans, louder than before. “Shhhh!” Although you couldn’t help but giggle, “You’re meant to be hiding from the world, aren’t you?” “Harder!” “Wil – I don’t want to hurt you-! Y’know there’s a fine line between relaxing your muscles and tearing them!” You ran your knuckles up his spine; and the growl he elicited made you smirk; you did the motion again, if only to keep the Sheriff growling like that…  “Agh-----!!!” “I told you it’d hurt.” “That didn’t hurt, that was good, do it again.” Unbelievable. “You’re very good at this.” “Happy to help!” You made your circles a little lighter, assured that even when working tension out of him you wanted to be gentle. There was probably a lot of scar tissue under his skin, and you didn’t want to upset it, or cause twinges in him. He chuckled slightly, running his hands gently along your legs under your dress, you couldn’t help but sigh against his fingertips. Although you couldn’t see the Sheriff’s face, you were sure that pulled a smirk from him.   “I don’t know want to be too rough…” “Nothing wrong with being rough.” You wondered if you were supposed to take that with the sexual edge of his voice. Probably. You swallowed hard, happy that if you were blushing he also wouldn’t see your face. You pushed your fingers to his neck, and then through the ends of his hair, the Sheriff sighed again as you pulled your fingernails back down, and then over his shoulders and ran his spine; Wil shivered a little, which made you giggle. “Isn’t gentle so much better?” “I get the feeling this isn’t a massage…” You refused to rise to that, even if that heat that hadn’t flooded you for a little while – since you’d seen him in that glorious sunshine before speaking about the toll booth in fact – returned at just the sound of Wil’s voice right now. You continued circular motions up his back, pushing harder in areas and softer in others; what the Sheriff didn’t realise of course was you’d spent the first few run-throughs seeing what he liked best and where, so now you could give him a proper massage. All you wanted was his emotional responses the way he’d given them to you before. “Ahhhhhhh---!!” You smirked slightly; “Better?” He growled; hands back on your legs, “Harder---!!” Ignoring Wil’s command for his whole body, just pushed harder through the parts that wanted it, you refused to strain anything on him. You supposed this was fairly intimate, considering you’d not actually officially consummated your marriage yet… if you could call it a real marriage. He still messed with your feelings too much, you didn’t want to give yourself to him once more until you could trust him to keep your happiness paramount, to keep you completely in the loop. Your body let you know exactly how it felt about that idea, and threatened to shake, you pushed back through his hair, and stopped. The Sheriff’s smile was present in his voice, “Finished?” “If you want me to stop?” And you thought that was probably for the best. “Well. Lady’s choice.” You laughed, and sat back, so you were between his legs and not sitting on him anymore. Wil turned so that he was leaning on his elbow, and could look at you, “What is your verdict, should I be partaking more often?” “It’s possibly not the only way you can relieve tension.” The smirk twitched on his lips and Wil took your hand in his, guiding you a little close to him, “Well, I’m certainly fine with staying here and learning more.” This time you knew you were blushing horribly, and your body was fine with completely betraying you. “Well, I believe I should be telling you that you have visitors, but I will greet them for you as your wife… I wish for you to stay here. And rest, you do enough.” You smiled gently, “I’m glad you thought it was okay.” “Okay?” Wil shook his head, and leaned in, for your efforts you received a series of short and incredibly sweet kisses, “It was a lot better than just okay.” he murmured against your lips before kissing you one last time.

***

Quiet mornings were nice between you, today you didn’t need to be anywhere in particular until much later in the day and even then, the Sheriff had extended his invitation as a courtesy. Certainly, therefore, a meeting to present only as his wife and not an important advisor. You’d probably decide if you were turning up or not at the very last minute. Wil was getting ready for the day, but, sitting there at the end of the bed talking to him in your white nightgown was distracting at best. You had one foot dangling off the edge of the bed and your other tucked up under you as you rested your arms and head on your knee. Due to this, your nightgown had ridden up, and both legs were fully exposed to him. This wasn’t unusual, he couldn’t lie about that – but… this morning looking at you was getting him a little worked up. The Sheriff supposed that was mostly because he had a lot on his mind right now, especially about you. His movements were sluggish as he got dressed, and Wil felt uncomfortable at best, breathing heavily. He bit his lips together, hoping you weren’t noticing this… and yet perhaps hoping that you were… Good God he wanted you, but, did you want him? Did you really? There were too many mixed signals, an he needed to be sure.

The Sheriff cleared his throat, approaching you, “Y/N... I realise that... we have not been intimate in a long time. And I don’t know if that is because you don’t trust me, you don’t want me- Well, with what you know it almost doesn’t surprise me. Although I... have been in conversation with Tuck.” You immediately looked up; eyes wide, attentive to what he was about to say. Clearly you couldn’t trust anybody anymore. “And he... imparted to me that you have been in conversation about... the possibility of children?” Of course Tuck would betray such a conversation. After all the confessional visits; this was a big one. “I...” You blinked a few times, unsure of exactly where this conversation was going to lead. It wasn’t one you’d ever had; you didn’t have the faintest idea of Wil’s stance on it. “I have talked to my handmaidens about it, yes.” The Sheriff stepped forward, taking your hand in his as he sank to his knee, “Oh, so… you would… want to-” He paused for a minute to think on his phrasing, “Do you want this with me?” “I never exactly envisioned this conversation happening this way.” “Well, what better time?” “Why did he even mention it?” Wil shrugged delicately, “He thought I might like to know.” Your eyes dropped from his face and you chewed your lip, “Forgive my thinking, but I wasn’t so sure – with your own past – you would want to have children.” “It wasn’t something I suspected to get the opportunity to-” He waved a hand, and then smiled gently, “Forgive me, but the prospect is exciting, isn’t it?” You swallowed thickly, “It is.” You wouldn’t deny that, “But I cannot bring a child into a world where we are not on the same side about where we’re going.” “Aren’t we?” “…Wil. There are problems here, and I will not have a child with you to fix them.” Your hand was still in his and you squeezed it, as his eyes dulled and you knew you were hurting him, “…But,” and it was a big but, “I am ready to try. While we figure everything else out.” Then you took his other hand in yours, “And we will, figure it all out, together.” The smile on the Sheriff’s face, the brightness in his eyes, the way he laced your fingers had your body screaming at you. Louder than ever before, than even that first night. “We will.” He agreed, “But do not doubt that I want this, with you.” That emphasis was clear, you knew all about the other women; but you were his only focus now. Your body trembled and you hoped that it was not betraying you to him; was that excitement? Or desire? Or both? ‘It’s now or never!’ was all you could think. ‘If you want him as bad as you know you do, what better time than when he is asking you for this.’ “Do you, have anything important to do today?” The Sheriff’s head tipped, eyebrow raised, wondering if you were going where he hoped you were: “Not, particularly.” “I do not wish for you to just shirk your duty for this…” Although there was a tiny smirk on your face. “Is my duty not to you?” and to our future. “Stay. With me.” “Now?” This wasn’t just the conversation about what could be, this was the conversation. His eyes brightened, “Of course, I will stay. If my wife insists.” “Oh…” You pulled him off his knees and to your lips, as Wil already shrugging himself out of his coat, “I do.” Wil’s hands glided up your legs, as his kisses became a little harder, a little hotter. Your nightdress moved up your body and it was all you could do to help him, pulling at the ties at the top to wriggle out of it. You looped your arms around his neck, already moaning against his kisses, knowing that your arousal was already plain to see on your inner thighs. The Sheriff stripped himself of his jacket and undershirt, and then his trousers and undergarments. His hands on the inside of your thighs as you kept kissing him, parting your legs delicately as he laid you back. That sticky sweetness already lingering on his fingertips, he couldn’t help but chuckle. “How long?” “Too long…” Was your only breathless answer as Wil pulled his lips from yours to lick his fingers, “Oh, Y/N. You should have said something.” You shook your head, but he denied you the opportunity to recapture his lips as he ran his fingers through your wetness – causing you to shudder. “…You just said it for me.” That smirk of his was bigger than usual as he tasted you again, and this time when he kissed you harshly, the Sheriff pressed his tongue to yours, giving you the opportunity to taste yourself. You moaned quietly again, pulling his body to completely cover yours and he held you strong in his arms as you wrapped your legs around his. “I love you.” You pulled back for just a moment, just to study his face as he said it. “Do you?” “You know I do.” You were once again struck by the vulnerability, the way Wil said it with such conviction. No games, no lies. There was no room for any of that here, not between the two of you. Not here. “I love you too…” He shuddered at the Norse. Your hands were up in his hair, gentle kiss to his forehead, then his lips, “I want this… and I need you… Wil, I need you.” He held your hands once more as he pushed into you, gentler than before – but so different. Your body tingled, coils in your stomach radiating the same heat as before. Everything was suddenly so pleasant. It had been before, but now… perhaps that was just you thinking on context. Before it was about you, it was about becoming his… This wasn’t; this was about both of you, about your future. The possibility of having a family… You pulled him closer, and mixed with your moaning were distinct words; Norse – what else? The Sheriff smiled into your skin, pressing lingering kisses against your shoulder. “I want to hear them, Y/N, even if I don’t understand them…” But you both knew he already did. The sentiment, the million different ways you were capable of telling him how much you loved him. The million different ways you always would…

---

💜Thank you for reading! I don’t think I’ll get 9 done by the end of the year but I’m happy that we’re at this point and we can start heading towards the movie plot now!💙

[jawritter]

You and Me...

Chapter 11

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** Talk of nightmares/night terrors, light description of injury, language, I think that’s pretty much it for this chapter.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader, Jared x Reader

Word Count: 1777

A/N: Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. This is something I actually did and witness, and I realize this one might be hard to read because it is a little heavy.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

It had been roughly two weeks since Jensen was released from the hospital. 

Physically he's doing a lot better. 

He gets around pretty good now, normally even. It would be hard for anyone on the street to see that there was ever anything wrong with him when he walked by you. He'd become pretty self-sufficient pretty quickly. The bruises had mostly faded, only leaving the worst ones still a sickening yellow color. Most of the scratches and lacerations on his body had healed or were almost healed. Most of his strength returned to him. 

On the outside, he looked fine, but it wasn’t the outside that had become the problem. As much as he tried to hide it. Even though the physical aspect of his attack had almost faded completely, it was the battle of the mind that was beginning now. 

When you looked into his eyes something was still dead in there. 

You learned pretty quickly that Jensen had a pretty passive-aggressive way of dealing with things. It was just what he hid behind, and you knew that, but still, it didn't lessen your concern for him.

You noticed him drinking more, and you were afraid that would become a very unhealthy coping mechanism.

The nightmares had gotten worse. 

To be honest you would have characterized them as night terrors. Except they didn't just happen at night. You had learned just from watching him that these “flashbacks” could be triggered by a sound, or a smell, or even something someone says. 

It wasn't something he could control.

He had started to go to his own house during the day some, but at night he always ended up right back with you. You were secretly glad. You didn't like the thought of his nightmares starting, and him beginning there all alone. Most of the time when he had one he’d either wake up violently ill or hysterical, there was no in-between. 

He had taken his kids to the local zoo with Jared the other day on one of his visitation days with his kids. Because of his usual nightly problems he thought it was best that they didn't stay the night with him. Not something you really want you kids to see.

He had been back to the studio, using it you think as a distraction. That's not uncommon though, people use music all the time as an escape from reality. 

The only good thing that had happened really over the past two weeks was that you had gotten a contract writing for a local publishing company reviewing transcripts, and technically you could work full time from home now. You did tell Steve and Jensen that you would finish Jensen's project through before you left. You were there when he started it, and you wanted to see the finished product.

This morning started much like all other mornings since Jensen had moved in with you.

You were sitting in the living room drinking your coffee. It was still very, very early. It was the weekend, so neither yourself nor Jensen had to work today. Still, your body is used to waking up so early, it had developed its own alarm clock. Therefore you were up at 5 am regardless of what you did or how late you went to bed.

Jensen was still sleeping soundly in the room the two of you now awkwardly, kinda shared. You were honestly afraid to touch him. Afraid it would trigger one of his flashbacks. So you slept as far away from him as you could in your king-sized bed, usually putting a pillow between the two of you so that you wouldn't accidentally roll over to him in the middle of the night.

It wasn't that you didn't want to be close to him. You wanted nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around you as you slept, but you were pretty sure that he was not capable of doing that. He had told you in the hospital that there were some things that he wouldn't be able to do. Physical contact was one of them.

Not thinking about what you were doing a day after he moved in with you, you walked up behind him when he was standing at the sink and put your hand on his shoulder, throwing him into a violent flashback, that took almost an hour for him to come back from. That’s when you learned touching him probably wasn’t the best idea.

Sometimes he would reach over and grab your hand when the nightmares were really bad, he would let you sit next to him and run your fingers through his hair until he went back to sleep, other than that though that was it.

You were sitting lost in thought, the house pretty much dark, only the light from above the stove lightly lit the room. When your phone lit up next to you. It was Jared.

"Hello?" you say quietly careful not to wake up Jensen. 

"Y/N? I didn't wake you did I?" he asked.

 "No, I've been up," you tell, him running your hand down your face. Wondering why in the hell he was calling this early.

"Okay listen they caught Jensen's attackers. There were four of them... Plus Jennifer," 

That last part struck you hard. 

"Jennifer? Really? Are they sure?" you asked, shock radiating through your body. 

"Yeah. She was there through all of it according to her confession. Apparently, she gets her kicks off watching Jensen being raped and tortured, claiming that he owed her that much after what he did to her, when, come to find out the whole thing was a set up from the beginning. She thought she’d go on a date with him, get him drunk, maybe fuck him, get some side cash, and leave, but apparently, things didn't go the way she planned, and she got her family involved to “pay him back” for what the did to her." Jared Said through gritted teeth.

Your stomach churned. You didn't like talking about what they did to Jensen. Your heart just couldn't handle it. Especially seeing the reproductions that he was still dealing with from the whole ordeal. 

"Did they all confess?" you asked, hoping and praying Jensen wasn't going to have to testify in front of a room full of strangers plus his attackers.

"Yeah, they all confessed. From what I understand there was so much evidence from the pictures that the hospital had taken, plus the doctor's reports, and DNA evidence that they really had no choice but to confess," he said, sounding just as sick about all of this as you were. 

"He's not gonna have to testify will he?" you asked, holding your breath. 

"No, not unless he just wants to confront them. Which I doubt he does. These perverts are going to jail for a very long time. The amount of evidence against them is overwhelming, and the police believe this isn't the first time they’ve done this to someone," Jared said.

It made you sick to think about there being monsters like this out there in the real world. People like Jennifer, who you’d never expect to be involved in something like this.

“Thanks for letting me know Jared, now I just have to figure out how to tell Jensen.”

“You can do it Y/N, he trusts you,” Jared said.

With that, the two of you got off the phone. Jensen would be waking up soon as you wanted to have this breakfast ready like you did every morning. You didn't know how you were going to tell him that they had caught his attackers. You hated even bringing up his situation with him. He would get so distant and quiet.

Not fifteen minutes later you heard the bedroom door open and Jensen made his way over to the small bar and sat down. You knew he had because you heard the chair slide across the tile. Your back was to him plating up his breakfast. When you turned around what you saw nearly made you drop the plate.

He was sitting there, pale, and crying silently; looking at his hands that were shaking on the bar. You sat the plate down and carefully walked over to him, surprisingly he reached for you. You wrapped your arms around him and pulled him tightly to you. The two of you sat like that for the longest time before he finally spoke.

"I'm not well," was all he said, so quiet that you barely even heard him. 

"What hurts? Are you sick?" you asked. Immediately thinking it had something to do with his physical injuries.

"No, not that," he said, then pointed at his head. "I'm not well." 

That made your heart sink. This was the first time he’d admitted that he was struggling, even though you knew that he was, and honestly it scared you.

Had he gotten worse? 

You had been trying to figure out a good time to bring up seeing a therapist, now seemed like a good time as any. 

"Maybe we should make that appointment with that therapist that your doctor suggested to you," you suggested gently, afraid he would get angry.

"Will you come with me?" was all his said, no more fight in him at all. 

"Yeah, I'll be there the whole time. Remember what I said in the hospital. We're gonna get through this. You and Me."

Jensen nodded his head and buried his face in your neck, wet tears streaking down his face, and onto your skin made your heart feel like it just wanted to stop beating. 

You knew that suggesting a therapist may sound harsh to some people, but there was no manual on how to deal with something like it. No material to read to figure out a normal healing process, especially for man, and there was no way to know that you were doing this right or wrong, 

All you could do was make small steps together, in hopes that you were both stumbling in the right direction in getting him better, and right now you had to go with what logically could help him, and maybe someone who was trained to deal with this sort of trauma. 

Even though you knew this was probably going to be one of the hardest things Jensen ever had to do, he couldn’t keep all this bottled up, he needed a safe space, and a trained professional to help him.

Squeezing him as tight to you as you could you tried your best to ground him in this mess that he was going through, you promised you’d be right there with him, and you were going to keep that promise, no matter what you’d do it together.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tag List: 

@deanwanddamons​​ @imabitch4jensen​​ @rvgrsbrns​​ @bi-danvers0​​ @onethirstyunicorn​​ @i-love-superhero​​ @akshi8278​ @alanegaming​ @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​ @squirrelnotsam​ @hobby27​ @spnbaby-67​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @defenderrosetyler​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​

Series Tag List: 

@idksupernatural​ 

@fuzzycloudsz 

@supernatural-bellawinchester​ 

@vicmc624​

@imaginationisgrowth​

@smoothdogsgirl​

@stoneyggirl​

@whiskeydreamingx​

@doctorlilo​

@deans-baby-momma​

@ricanqueen20​

@supraveng​

@allonsy-yesiwill​