#4th one makes me want to commit an offense against god

[airjemsfandump]

Some WuWa 2.0 NPC's

They look so good. 😭

Src.: Team Gemberry78

[freudensteins-monster]

A Banner Reunion

A WinterShock follow up to A Banner Day. Set post Age of Ultron and Ragnarok, not really Civil War compliant, and there’s no Thanos or looming Infinity War. Also posted on AO3.

The first person Bucky Barnes met as he stepped off the last quinjet out of Wakanda was Darcy Lewis. She looked more uptight than her file photo would suggest (Bucky had read the files of all facility staff on the flight over, and Darcy’s maybe twice), and seemed to have taken Pepper Potts as her style icon. The wavy brown hair from her file photo was pulled back in a tight bun, and the colourful sweaters and jeans had been replaced by a sharp business suit and sharper heels. 

“Good morning, Sergeant Barnes. I’m Darcy Lewis. I manage the upstate facility and act as the team’s PR manager. I’ll also be acting as a liaison between the facility, your legal team, and other interested parties. If you have any questions, day or night, please don’t hesitate to contact me.”

She handed him a crisp white business card. Bucky took it with his shiny new Wakandan arm, noting a complete lack of reaction from Miss Lewis.

“Science Wrangler?” he read aloud.

“I have new ones on order,” she replied with a long-suffering sigh. 

“Thank you, Miss Lewis,” he smiled, tucking the business card into his jacket pocket. “But all I really want to know right now is which way to the mess hall?”

Miss Lewis smiled, but before she could respond Steve clapped him on the shoulder and led him away for a second breakfast. 

Over the next couple of weeks he received dozens of updates via Miss Lewis from his legal team about their attempts to have him cleared of all charges relating to the crimes he committed as the Winter Soldier (and the few he committed after), but he never saw her outside of their meetings. Not in the mess hall, not at team movie nights, not even in passing. According to Steve she was drowning in work and pretty much lived in her office. She needed help but had refused to hire assistants, not trusting the vetting process with all the enemies the Avengers had accumulated.

Feeling guilty, and just a little too curious for his own good, Bucky went in search of her office. He heard her before he saw her. It sounded like she was having the argument of the century with a disgruntled voice that reminded him of his old drill instructor. He was going to leave her to it and try again later when he heard his name being thrown about. He crept closer, keeping out of sight of Darcy and the holograph she was arguing with.

“How can you stand there denying the dangers posed by enhanced individuals when you’re harbouring the fugitive James Buchanan Barnes, the most prolific assassin in living memory?”

Bucky winced but Darcy narrowed her eyes at the hologram and stood her ground.

“Sergeant Barnes’ location is not a secret, nor is he a fugitive. He surrendered himself to the Wakandan authorities and per the agreement his legal representation made with the US government - which you’re well aware of, I remember how much you bitched about it in the press - he is on house arrest at this facility until his trial commences, if it ends up going ahead at all. And if you think he’s going to give up what little freedom he has now and could have in the future and sign this joke of a document, you’ve got another thing coming.”

Her opponent sneered. “Last I checked, Miss Lewis, you weren’t a lawyer.”

“Not yet, anyway. But I did pass my Civics 101 class, and I watched a lot of SchoolHouse Rock! as a kid: This is not a bill, or a law, or an official policy of the US Government. Even if it gets ratified by the UN, you cannot enforce it as it goes against the Constitution and violates a US citizen’s 4th, 5th, 6th, and 8th Amendment rights.”

“Wanda Maximoff-“

“-is a dual Sokovian-US citizen; I made sure of it. And if you can somehow round up a bunch of asshole commandos willing to enforce this PR nightmare to appease your bruised ego, the governor of New York - who gifted this land to the Avengers - and all his friends on Capitol Hill are going to have something to say about it. Especially after the so-called World Security Council tried to nuke his hometown while the Avengers were risking their lives to save his constituents from aliens. So,” she continued, tossing the intimidated stack of paper aside and waiting for it to hit her desk with a satisfying thump before continuing, “until you can put together something less offensive than this pile of crap, we don’t have anything more to talk about.”

“Listen here you little-“

“Sorry Thad, you’re breaking up. I think your country club is going through a tunnel.”

Darcy disconnected the holographic video call with a wave of her hand and fell into the closest chair with a dramatic groan.

“Wow…” Bucky remarked, stepping into her office. “I take it we don’t like that guy.” 

“We really don’t like that guy,” Darcy concurred, tossing her heels across the room in irritation.

“What’s his deal?”

“General Ross’ deal is that he wants all the power. And since superheroes have lots of power he wants them, preferably conscripted into service of the US government or locked up in a submersible military black site paid for with taxpayer dollars that he thinks I don’t know about. He’s been this way ever since Bruce’s accident.” At Bucky’s lack of recognition she continued, “Bruce was trying to replicate the supersoldier serum for the US Military, reporting to General Ross. Things went boom, Bruce turned into the Hulk, escaped Ross’ clutches and went on the run. Under the guise of bringing the Hulk in, Ross approved another human trial of the supersoldier serum. He ended up creating what the media dubbed as “the Abomination” – twice the rage of the Hulk, none of the ability to reconnect with his humanity. And while Bruce was forced to go back into hiding for the next five years for his part in destroying Harlem, General Ross didn’t even get knocked down a rank. The bastard shouldn’t be able to breathe in DC’s direction, let alone have a hand in policing “enhanced individuals,” so naturally he makes a perfect choice for Secretary of State,” she scoffed.

Bucky watched her for a moment before reaching out to help her up from her chair. “You look like you could use a drink. C’mon, I’m buying.”

“Dude, it’s like 10am,” Darcy argued, but took his hand regardless. 

Two floors down and one building over in the facility cafeteria Bucky watched on with barely disguised amusement as Darcy made love to her Mocha Frappuccino.

“Oh, yeah, that’s the stuff.”

She’d put on some flats and discarded her jacket before leaving her office, and once they were seated and waiting for their drinks she set her glasses down on the table and took down her hair. 

Bucky loved the way she smiled when she was able to let go of the stress of her job, even if it was only for a moment, so he did what he could to give her more of them. Tuesday morning coffee breaks became a regular occurrence, and if she missed dinner Bucky would check in on her to make sure she took a break and ate something. Eventually he asked her to schedule all their meetings and anything to do with his legal issues as her last tasks of the day, that way if she was snowed under and running late he had an excuse to invite her to join him for dinner afterwards. He was working up the nerve to ask her to dinner without the pretense of work when the Asgardians arrived.

Steve stood beside him, watching as the huge ship landed just beyond the facility's - and Bucky’s - boundaries. 

“So it’s true?” Darcy asked, out of breath from the short run from the administration building. “He’s really back?”

“Yeah, Thor’s back. You were there when he crash landed the first time, right?” Steve asked.

“She tased him,” Bucky informed him with a smirk. “I read the report.”

“Yeah, I totally tased him. And introduced him to Pop-Tarts. But I also lost him in the breakup – it’s been, like, almost two years since I last saw him.”

It didn’t stop her waving like a lunatic the moment Thor ambled down the spaceship’s ramp, a small village worth of people following close behind him.

“Oh, this is going to be so much paperwork…” Darcy muttered as the god caught sight of them.

“My friends! Lady Darcy!!”

“Thor! What the hell happened to your eye?” she asked when he wrapped her up in one of his godly hugs.

“It’s a long story, lightning sister.”

“Did you bring all of Asgard with you?” Steve asked as he and Bucky watched the strangely dressed visitors make the most of the sunshine and soft grass.

“As many as we could save,” Thor admitted somberly. “I know that their arrival will cause some problems for your world’s governments but any aid you could provide my people in our time of need would be gratefully appreciated. A new homeland, perhaps?” he added, managing to do pretty decent puppy dog eyes even with only one good one.

“I’ll make some calls,” Darcy offered, flashing Thor an indulgent smile.

“Thank you, my lightning sister. And for your efforts, I have brought you a souvenir.”

“Space souvenir? Cool!”

“Aye, very cool,” he smirked, putting a hand around her shoulders and directing her gaze to where a man wearing psychedelic monk robes was trying to make his way through the crowd of Asgardians. 

Darcy’s expression fell and Bucky almost rushed to her side.

“Bruce?”

At the sound of his name the man looked up and regarded Darcy sheepishly.

“Hey, bunny.”

“Bruce!!” Darcy was off like a shot, shoes abandoned in the grass as she all but threw herself on the new arrival. “What the hell happened to you? I hacked everyone trying to find you but not even Phil had eyes on you. Why didn’t you call me!” she cried, hugging him so tightly Bucky was worried the guy might not be able to breathe.

“I’m so sorry Darcy. I was stuck in Hulk mode up until a couple of days ago. He was like a gladiator on this trash planet in the outer reaches of the universe. It was crazy.”

“Not as crazy as these clothes, dude,” she teased with a sniffle, tugging on the gold vestments.

“Yeah, they’re a lot. But I had to Hulk out again on Asgard and these were the only spare clothes lying around on the spaceship. Oh, I gotta introduce you to some new friends,” he exclaimed excitedly, leading Darcy back towards the spaceship. 

Bucky watched her go, his heart breaking at the sight of her reuniting with her fella. She’d mentioned Bruce a few times, but he hadn’t realised they had been an item. Maybe, since he’d apparently disappeared on her, it had been too painful for her to talk about. Bucky left Steve and Thor to organise the SHIELD agents that had descended to deal with the alien incursion, and left Darcy to her reunion. 

In the weeks that followed Bucky hardly saw Darcy at all. She was spearheading talks with the Norwergian government to establish New Asgard within their borders and spent the rest of her time managing the needs of the refugees who had set up a temporary camp in the field where they landed. She was also fending off demands for the arrest of Thor’s brother, who apparently was more hated and feared than the Winter Soldier was. 

In an effort to reduce her workload Bucky had offered to deal with his legal team directly, even though he hated how they talked down to him when giving him updates. But it made Darcy’s life easier so he took it on, often bringing Steve in on their conference calls to act as a buffer when he felt he was close to snapping at one of his condescending but very, very good lawyers.

Now that he had no reason to bother Darcy he saw her even less than when he first arrived, though he did hear that Bruce had dragged her out of her office once or twice for a late dinner. They never seemed as touchy feely as they had when they were first reunited and they hadn’t spent any time alone together behind closed doors (not that he’d checked security footage). Maybe they weren’t together any more - a lot can happen in two years, Bucky mused. Maybe Bruce had moved on - he was always gushing about that intimidating and frequently drunk Valkyrie woman. Or maybe, Bucky hoped against hope, Darcy had. The question was keeping him up at night, and since Darcy was too busy to be bothered with his insecurities he sought out the famous Dr Bruce Banner. 

Bucky found him a few days later, after another postponed coffee date, in one of the facilities labs, looking over some holographic schematics. 

“Sergeant Barnes, it’s nice to see you again. What can I do for you?” Bruce greeted with a smile. 

“I’m not interrupting?” he asked, gesturing at the complicated calculations.

“Not at all. It’s just a project Tony wants a second opinion on. It’s his way of saying “I missed you too,” he jested. 

Bucky bit the bullet. “It’s about Darcy.”

“What about her?” 

“I just… I feel like a real shitheel asking, but I gotta know; are you and Darcy together?”

“Together like…”

“Dating. Are you dating?”

Bruce’s eyes almost bugged out of his skull. “Did Tony put you up to this?”

“Stark and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms,” Bucky admitted.

“And Darcy never mentioned me? She said you two had been hanging out a lot before she got sidetracked with all the Asgardian refugee drama.”

“She mentioned you plenty. She just never mentioned that two of you were an item.”

“And she also never mentioned that I’m her father, I take it,” Bruce replied with a smirk.

“...What?”

“I’m her biological father. I am not dating her,” Bruce reiterated. “But I take it you want to?” he teased. 

“Uh… yes?” he winced after his brain came back online after processing this new information. “Did you not want me to? I would understand,” he murmured, gesturing vaguely at his shiny new arm as though his bloody history was written on the metal plates.

“I don’t get to have a say in the matter,” Bruce remarked, not unkindly, as he returned most of his attention back to the glowing calculations. “and I’m kind of the last guy who should be giving you grief over things you did when you weren’t in full control of yourself. Besides, you’ve probably known her longer than I have at this point.” He smiled sadly at Bucky’s confused expression. “The first time I met Darcy was when she and Jane moved into Tony’s tower. She told me I was her biological father about two weeks later. Before that moment, I hadn’t even known I had a daughter. We had maybe three months of getting to know each other, eating takeout in my lab once a week, and then Ultron happened. I quite literally disappeared off the face of the earth. I come back, and she’s all grown up and practically running the world,” he laughed. “She’s also crushing pretty hard on a certain supersoldier, in case you were wondering.”

“Yeah, well, Steve is pretty cute I guess,” Bucky mused, ducking his head to hide the blush in his cheeks behind his hair. 

Bruce smiled. “Ask her out, Sergeant.”

Bucky delivered a Mocha Frappuccino to Darcy’s office that night and asked her to have dinner with him whenever she found the time. She blushed something fierce as she said yes, and Bucky committed the image to memory. 

A month later they were officially a couple, but with Darcy’s crazy workload and his looming trial they were taking things slow. He’d only kissed her goodnight a couple of times but he’d stopped resisting the urge he had to wrap Darcy up in his arms the second she was off the clock. 

He was indulging in said urge the night of the Asgardian farewell party - the Norwegian deal had gone through pretty quickly all things considered, and Thor and the last of the Asgardians were heading out to New Asgard in the morning - when Tony Stark made his trademarked grand entrance. He had barely taken two steps out of his latest Iron Man suit when he pointed a finger in their direction. 

“What’s the murderbot doing with his murderarm around my niece?” 

“I’m not your niece, Tony,” Darcy called over everyone else's scolding.

“What are you talking about? Bruce is your bio dad, I’m his science bro; you’re totally my science niece.”

Darcy giggled. “That’s not a thing, Tony. And to answer your totally offensive question; we’re dating.”

“No, I forbid it.”

“You don’t get to have an opinion.”

“Of course I do. Everyone loves hearing my opinions.”

“We really don’t,” Bucky heard Steve mutter into his beer. 

“I don’t want to hear them, Tony. I’m a big girl and I make my own choices.”

“You make terrible choices,” Tony mumbled petulantly. 

“I tell Pepper the same thing all the time,” she teased.

“How dare you!” Tony gasped, feigning offence. “Do I at least get to give the Russian menace the shovel talk?”

“No, no shovel talks. I don’t want you scaring him off.”

“If the Hulk didn’t scare me off, doll, nothing will.”

“Awww.” 

“That’s not the way I remember it,” Bruce chimed in.

“Shut up,” Bucky retorted over Bruce’s chuckles. “Besides, I already got the shovel talk from Valkyrie. She takes her role as angry-mom very seriously.”

“Who’s Valkyrie? Wait, did you say mom?!” Tony squawked, turning to demand answers from Bruce. 

“Hulk like angry girl,” Thor teased.

“Where is she? Is she here? I have to meet her.”

“Tony! Tony, stop. She went to New Asgard two days ago. No! Step away from the suit!”

As everyone one laughed at Bruce trying to keep Tony away from his suit Darcy leant in close, sending a shiver down Bucky’s spine as she whispered in his ear. 

“How about I say goodbye to Thor and you walk me back to my room, Sergeant?”

Bucky smiled. “Whatever you want, doll.”

[sesskagarchive]

Alternate Universe Serial

These fan fictions are serial works that are not traditionally set in the Feudal Era Canon and are not compliant with/do not feature elements of the Inuyasha Canon. 

They may be set in the modern era or in a historical time other than the Sengoku Jidai. 

They may retain youkai and miko or make all the characters human. They may feature multiple different tropes like college, celebrities, etc

‼ Please note that these themed lists may always be expanded based on the suggestions and recs we get, so the lists might change at any given time, even after they’ve been reblogged ‼

A Dangerous Shot by sesshomarusama33

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: **COMPLETE** Canon. Kagome is kidnapped by a witch under Naraku's order. What will happen when she is accidentally cursed and the only two people who can save her can't get a long? Told in 100 word snippets. Rated for later chapters. EDIT: Chapters 7 and up will no longer be 100 words! ^^

A Woman! by Sugar0o

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: MA Summary: Loosely based of off 'Mulan.' Kags decides to take her fathers place in the war for the West, but gets caught unexpectedly. AU, S/K, evey1s a demon mostly **COMPLETE**

Birth by cutebaby

Posted on: FFnet Rating: T Summary: Sesshomaru stands to loose everything unless he can secure a heir by his upcoming birthday. His advisors and himself are now in a race against the clock to find the perfect child, but how does his secretary, Kagome, fit in? This is an upload from backup because the story was lost. Thanks to all my readers for letting me know.

Business Associates by KJ

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: MA Summary: Kagome and Sesshomaru have been dating for 7 years, but Kagome is tired of their passionless arrangement. She wants a man who will love and support her and her dreams. She ends their relationship and heart break ensues. Will he just let her go? Can they settle their differences? This is AU, rated MA. There will be lemon. There is a possibility some of the characters will be OOC. Status: WIP

Capital Offense by Oroyukae

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: It was wrong; it was illegal...it was reciprocated. Like his father before him, he could not deny what he felt for the human female. For that, he would pay dearly. He found himself faced with the question he had asked his father numerous times...was it worth it? {Complete}

Clutter by forthright

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: T Summary: AU. Mrs. Higurashi decides to help her daughter put her life together; enter Sesshoumaru, professional organizer extraordinaire. A romantic comedy told in 100 word snippets. COMPLETE

Cop Troubles by LibraCourt

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: Troubles, troubles, and more troubles. Sesshoumaru has to deal with it all from working with a human partner to being given a poison that sends him into a heat. How will he handle it all? What other troubles will he face?

Crystal Hearts by SmilingFool

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: Warning Inside... What happens when Evil longs to be loved? Fate steps in giving Naraku a chance to prove his heart is not all Black and Evil. Naraku finds himself drawn to a little girl that is being abused and finds a way to stop it. Naraku being the 'Evil Creator' and business hanyou he is begins working on a project that could extend human life called Crystal Hearts. His project is soon discovered and his research stolen by an unknown force that is also out to kill his new stepdaughter Kagome in fear that she will stop the war that is to come. What will happen when Evil turns against Evil? Read and find out. Enjoy. Pairings are Sesshoumaru/Kagome. Status: WIP

Dancing with Scissors by piratequeen0405

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: MA Summary: Kagome's niece, Rin, is left orphaned by a tragic car wreck, leaving Kagome to raise her alone. Or so she thought...help comes from an unexpected source, Sesshoumaru. The only problem is that they can't stand each other. Will they be able to act like adults for the sake of their niece...and maybe find love in the process?

Dear Stranger by Chie

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga, FFnet Rating: M Summary: Via exchanging e-mails, a romance is beginning to bud between two strangers. But Kagome knows that falling in love is not an option – that would be bad for business. Status: WIP

Dramatic! by Chie

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga, FFnet Rating: T Summary: Filming a TV drama can be surprisingly difficult, when one has to deal with a quirky scriptwriter and an unruly cast. There were days when director Takahashi pondered how the hell she ever ended up in such a mess…

Everyday Love by Priestess Skye

Posted on: FFnet Rating: T Summary: Based on the picture series by Youkai Yume. Love is expressed in a myriad of ways. Sesshoumaru and Kagome grow and develop in their relationship with each other. Series of interconnected one shots. Sess/Kag

Hallowed Desire by Demonlordlover2

Posted on: FFnet, Spark Rating: MA Summary: Sesshoumaru wanted more than a mate. He wanted her, Kagome

Happily Ever After by Miss Teak

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: T Summary: Struggling to maintain her old family shrine, Higurashi Kagome could not be more thankful for the miracle that came in the form of a letter telling her that the Higurashi family owned forty percent of a traditional Japanese inn in Tsumago, Nagano prefecture. However, in exchange for the profits made by Shiraito inn, Kagome would have to marry the devastatingly handsome yet arrogant owner and serve as the inn's okami. Happily ever after? No way! Status: Abandoned

Letters, Love, War by Aura

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: T Summary: A reply to r0o's letter challenge. Kagome and Sesshomaru stay in contact through nothing more than letters during the second world war, eventually realizing they mean more to each other than either knew. Nominated for Best Romance and Best Alternate Reality 4th Quarter 2010!

Maid for You by luna-magic-2005

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: M Summary: Inuyasha plays a prank on his older brother Sesshoumaru - by purchasing him a mail order bride! Except something seems a little off about this one… Drabble series. COMPLETE!

Maid with Care by Aimee Blue

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: T Summary: A drabble series revolving around Kagome's unusual job in Sesshoumaru's cosplay cafe. Status: Abandoned

Make Up Your Mind!! by Koishii_Beloved

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: MA Summary: Sesshoumaru and Kagome, both, have agreed to a divorce. Kagome is all ready for it, but what happens when Sesshoumaru decides to back out?

Mother of My Heir by gildedglass

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga, FFnet Rating: MA Summary: The night before Sesshomaru broke up with Kagome, he took all he could from her. Now, years later, he is trying to create a heir to no avail; his children do not bear the mark. There can only be one reason; his heir already lives... with a woman who wants nothing to do with him. Status: Abandoned / Hiatus

My Bitter Sweet Life! by Moonlight Silk

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: When time fades and past memories disappear, Kagome tries to see the bright side of life by looking to the future. But can the heart feel what the mind cannot remember when old love reappears? Will the truth set her free, or will it destroy what peace she had found in the darkness? Only time will tell.

My Second Self by LikeABlueThread

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga Rating: M Summary: Orphaned Kagome is raised by monks in Feudal Japan, and determines to find a way to build an independent life for herself. Jane Eyre done SessKag style. Complete!

Omikuji by ironlotus

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: Every year, Kagome picks an Omikuji fortune on New Year's Eve with the same wish: May this year be the year that brings happiness like no other! But she doesn't get what she's expecting, especially once her fortune starts coming true. Her supervisor and friend passes on. People around her are acting more and more oddly. The world as she knows it gets flipped on its head. This year's fortune couldn't be worse. [[Epilogue Posted! Finally Complete!!]]

Paper Cranes by midori Haru

Posted on: FFnet Rating: M Summary: Meeting, attraction, courting, commitment. For most of the world relationships form in the normal fashion from start to culmination. Naturally normal isn't enough for Sesshoumaru. And he wonders why he runs into problems trying to build a relationship from the wrong end

Pompeii by aijoinu

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: When a God finds his other half he will literally move the earth to make her his

Sea Swept by AshMish111 

Posted on: AO3, FFnet Rating: T Summary: A Mermaid’s Dream; A Prince’s Hope. He was not the one she left it all behind for, but he would he the one she wanted to stay for. Little Mermaid AU, with a twist! SessKag

Stay-cation by Shastuhh

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: Its has been a long six months Kagome has gone through multiple life changes, she has lost a loved one, lost her first love, graduated college, bought a house and now all she is looking to do is take a stay-cation to rest, relax and recharge. She runs into Sesshomaru in the store as she is doing some last minute shopping and finds out he is doing his own type of vacation and she invites him to stay with her. He has longed to get to know her better and make her his one and only and he is not about to pass up this opportunity.

Step Into Love by StormieLikeWeather

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga, FFnet, Tumblr Rating: MA Summary: Kagome meets her new step brother for the first time, only she doesn’t know it’s him. With hearts in their eyes, realization bursts the bubble. While Sesshomaru could care less, Kagome is stuck between wanting to be with him and wanting to meet familial expectations. - Updates are sporadic. Status: WIP

Tables Turned by Chie

Posted on: AO3, Dokuga, FFnet Rating: MA Summary: A false accusation caused him to lose everything he had. Finally free again, he disguises himself and sets out to gain back all that once was his. But things don't always go as planned and he ends up working as an assistant in the company he once founded. And his boss is a woman. [Complete!]

That’s My Girl! by Kanna37

Posted on: AO3, FFnet Rating: K+ Summary: Little Sesshoumaru and Little Kagome have a series of tiny adventures on the playground… a collection of interrelated chibi one-shots. Status: Hiatus

The Divorce by The StoryTeller of Old

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: Kagome’s having trouble keeping her marriage together. Sesshomaru Taisho, business tycoon, billionare, doesn’t spend enough time home. So, Kagome feels lonely. A new worker from her job, incites something in her. Will sparks fly? How will Sesshomaru react when his mate throws down divorce papers? Status: Hiatus

The Gladiator by Liv

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: MA Summary: Born into royalty as a young child, Sesshomaru’s territory comes under attack, his entire family and people slaughtered, leaving him the sole survivor of the Western lands. Sold into slavery, Sesshomaru grows up to become a gladiator, strong and unfeeling…until he laid eyes on her. The daughter of one of the city’s leaders, Kagome is beautiful, kind and full of light, but when she catches the eye of a ruthless politician Naraku, the one responsible for the murder of Sesshomaru’s family, can she be saved by the handsome gladiator whose golden eyes pierce through her soul and whom her heart yearns for? Inspired by the movie Pompeii. Rated MA for graphic violence and other adult-themes. Status: Hiatus/Abandoned

The Sculptor and the Statue by EagleFeathersInMyHair

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: T Summary: The story of Pygmalion and Galathea with Sesshoumaru as the artist and Kagome as his most revered work, told in two chapters. *Part 2 of Sess/Kag in Mythology Series*

The Sword Smith's Secret by MissKatt

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: MA Summary: Sesshoumaru despises the blade his father has left him. When he goes to Totosai to demand a sword to be forged, he meets an unexpected assistant that will have a role in forging his sword. Now, he is forced to win her favor in order for his sword to be fabricated for the impending war. What happens when she turns out to be more valuable than what he thought? Status: Hiatus

The Third Parties by Miss Teak

Posted on: Dokuga, FFnet Rating: M Summary: "If I keep reminding myself of how wrong my feelings for her are, I might finally do something right." She was the third party in his half-brother's three-year relationship. He was merely a good friend. Watching her get hurt over and over again, Taisho Sesshoumaru wanted to tell Higurashi Kagome to let go. Yet he could not, not when he knows he could never let go of her just like how she could never let go of Inuyasha.

Twisted Hearts by Eternal fire1

Posted on: FFnet Rating: M Summary:  “Marry me.” Kagome's eyes widened. “I…I don’t love you.” She said weakly. If Sesshoumaru could have laughed, he would have. “Stupid miko.” He said. “This is not about love. This is merely business.

Yakuza-Miko by NicoRavenPen

Posted on: Dokuga Rating: MA Summary: Modern Day AU. After her 18th birthday, Kagome manages to get caught up with some boys at school that everyone else considers Yakuza because of their 'tattoos' and mannerisms. Turns out, they're a clan of youkai and she just happens to be the answer to all of their problems...Rated MA for coarse language and potential violence. Status: WIP

[beanplague-moved]

Ethical Distraction

i just remembered this fic commissioned by @froglovrr from a while ago and figured i’d post it since i hadn’t already lmao.

ao3 | writing commissions | art commissions.

Vera says, “I want ingredients for a potion,” and you feel like you should probably question that. At the same time, you are very into her and you don’t want to jeopardize that leads to you spending time with her. It’s truly a predicament.

You first settle on, “Okay,” because you are so very attracted to Vera and so very happy to share oxygen with her. It’s only after you look to the side and see Brian shaking his head at your quick answer that you ask, “Why?”

Vera raises a well-shaped eyebrow, “You don’t normally question my actions, Vicky,” she states, flatly, and she’s right. You kind of blindly go along with whatever Vera asks you, because she’s really hot and really smart and kind of terrifying. All of those traits sort of go through the funnel and get added to the can of worms that is your attraction to her.

You say, “I know, uh, I just,” and you glance at the others at your table. Amira raises both eyebrows, like she fully expects you to accept this offer simply on the basis of thirst, which is offensive. You aren’t some one dimensional character driven exclusively by your libido, like the interdimensional prince. You’re a three dimensional character driven exclusively by your libido! Like, uh, Polly?

Vera is talking again. You draw your attention to her.

“If you’re dead set on asking, I need help because my sister doesn’t sell any of the items on my list here,” she hands you her phone and allows you to scroll down the excessive list of ingredients needed for this potion. You see a few that seem easy to get, such as “baby teeth” and “the souls of the damned,” alongside items that are more peculiar, such as “the very concept of melancholy” and “the literal color yellow” and “a successful ketogenic diet.”

You say, “What’s the potion for?”

“My, my, so many questions!” says Vera, “Unfortunately, questions getting answered are the leading cause of worker assassinations. Do you want me to be assassinated, Vicky?”

You say, “No!” very defensively and far too quickly. You’re trying not to be too obvious about having a thing for her, but just obvious enough that if she spontaneously developed feelings for you she’d know it’d be safe to tell you. You know. Because you care. “I’ll help,” you agree.

Vera claps her hands together, “Perfect! We start the search after lunch today. Enjoy your meal with your friends or whatever,” she saunters off. Your friends wait until she’s a safe distance away to start talking.

“I really thought she was going to add ‘it might be your last’ or some other Disney villain shit,” says Amira.

“Hey, at least she knows who’s most likely to help her out of us,” says Oz, and they all look at you. You hold your hands up as if defending guilt.

“I—wait,” you try to stammer through an explanation of why you totally ditched your dignity in favor of hanging out with a hot girl. You start again, “You don’t understand—”

Oz holds their hand out in front of you, gesturing for you to be quiet. “I’m heading out. Miranda and I are gonna go make merfolk propaganda posters,” they say, “Good luck with Vera or whatever,” they make a peace sign as they stand up and walk out of the cafeteria. What a flake. Anyway.

You start again, “I just, it’s not that I like Vera—”

Amira interrupts you. “Scott wants to play fetch,” she adds no further explanation, “See ya, losers,” and she’s off. You pause as you watch her leave, but no sooner do you turn to Brian.

“I have perfectly reasonable explanations for why I like helping her out,” you say. Brian blinks back at you.

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Vic, I’d just rather be with Damien right now,” says Brian, who pushes in his chair before he leaves. What the hell? Have all your friends always been so obsessed with their respective love interests? You’re just about to reconsider your stance on prioritizing romance when Vera sends you a text.

vera. ❤ I’m going to need you to skip 4th period with me. s. Vera Oberlin, 12:25.

You think about informing her that she doesn’t need to sign off on or timestamp her own text messages, but you don’t. Instead you sit at your table and anticipate the time you’re going to spend with her.

The first ingredient on Vera’s list is “the voice of a princess” and so you find the nearest princess. A beautiful, respected lass with the finest hair and the most powerful father in all of the seven seas, who rules over the merfolk with an iron fist.

(Miranda. You find Miranda.)

Vera seems rather unphased by the concept of stealing her friend and classmate’s voice in order to create a potion. She stands and waits for Miranda with you.

“Vicky,” she says, leaning against Miranda’s heavily decorated and gilden locker, “I didn’t see you at prom.”

You raise an eyebrow at that, because Vera doesn’t have much of a reason to care about your antics after prom. You didn’t go with her—not for lack of trying, of course. You did ask.

“Well, uh,” you say, “I ended up going with Brian and Damien. You know, as friends.” As a third wheel, but she doesn’t need to know that.

You expect Vera to react with smug superiority, or maybe pity if she’s feeling particularly off, but instead she doesn’t say anything. She crosses her arms.

“I hope you had fun,” says Vera. You bristle. Genuine well wishes? From Vera? Are you dreaming?

You’re about to pinch yourself—and following that you plan to ask her about the sudden concern—but Miranda appears before you can do either. Vera immediately turns up the charm, which isn’t very hard for her. Her stat in that category is probably really high.

“Miranda, it’s nice to see you,” says Vera, with uncharacteristic kindness. You feel like, had you been Miranda, you would have immediately known something was up, but she seems unknowing and pleasant as always.

Miranda beams, “It’s nice to see you, Vera!” she says, completely unphased by this weird and uncanny show of good faith from Vera. “What brings you to my locker?”

“Oh, nothing much,” says Vera, and she does a very obviously fake gasp, “Though I must say, the solid gold that your locker is made from is really lovely and not tacky at all! I admire your sense of style.”

“You’re too kind!” says Miranda, “Oh, I always knew we would be grand friends someday, Vera! Of course, I had assumed it would take a fair amount of brainwashing to make you consider the possibility, but still! It’s nice to know you took our friendship into your own hands.”

You wonder if naivete is a valued trait among merfolk, which would make sense given Miranda’s actions and character and entire personality. However, you kind of realize she literally hinted at the idea of brainwashing Vera into being her friend, so maybe it’s less naivete and more willful stupidity.

Vera doesn’t let this very suspicious statement bother her, and instead continues in her obvious manipulation of Miranda’s ignorance. “I, personally, only came to see my dearest friend. My associate, however,” Vera places her hands on your shoulders and moves you in front of her, “would like to make a deal with you.”

“I, uh, what?” you turn to face Vera, who raises her eyebrows at you in a way that makes you fear the concept of disappointing her. You turn back to Miranda. “Oh, uh, yeah. Vera’s right. I need a favor.”

You must really like Vera.

Despite your quiet speculation of Miranda’s intelligence, you really don’t want to end up on her bad side. Still, Vera probably knows what she’s doing. Hopefully.

Miranda looks at you with intrigue, “What sort of favor?” she asks.

“Your voice,” you blurt, before quickly amending, “Uh, I’ll return it, you know. I just need to use it for a…” you glance back at Vera. She narrows her eyes at you. You turn back to Miranda. “Science project?”

Miranda hums contemplatively. “A science project,” she says, “I suppose that is a rather important subject for people who can’t hire serfs to do their work for them.”

“Yeah! It is!” you insist, “And, uh, I’ll probably get a bunch of money for completing this project, which I can split with you.”

Miranda gasps, “I never knew that completing school projects were rewarded with monetary compensation!” she says, “I should probably start attending my classes, if that’s the case.”

There’s a moment of silence where you think she might be getting suspicious of your obvious lie, and you can feel yourself beginning to sweat. If Miranda kills you she definitely gets diplomatic immunity, and if you die you’ll never be able to do shady shit with Vera ever again. Oh God, you haven’t even written a will.

Miranda starts laughing, and you are promptly split away from your spiral of anxiety.

“I’m joking. As if I would actually attend class when I have people to do that for me,” she snorts.

“Oh,  yeah,” you say, and you nervously chuckle with her.

Miranda has to wipe a tear from her eye, which is weird. That joke wasn’t that funny and you aren’t sure if fish cry. She says, “I suppose I’ll donate my lovely voice to your cause.”

“—Perfect!” interjects Vera, who steps in front of you. She holds out a very convenient amulet. “I’ve already set up very coincidental spells for this occasion. If you would just sing into this amulet, please,” she requests, and Miranda sings a very sweet song about a genocide committed by the merfolk long ago. You decide not to think about it too much.

The amulet is glowing by the time she’s done, and Vera takes it and puts it on. It’s a little bright for your taste, but it looks good on her. Miranda attempts to say goodbye when you leave, before realizing that giving away her voice has rendered her mute. She instead settles for silently waving at you.

As you walk away, Vera slinks an arm around your shoulders. “A perfect start,” she says, “I would have preferred you avoid the promise of money, since I’m certainly not going to give her any, but a success nonetheless.”

You kind of register that sentence, but mostly you register the fact that her arm is over your shoulder and she isn’t physically repulsed by the idea of touching you. Holy shit.

You and Vera skip your next few periods to continue gathering ingredients for this weirdly complicated potion. You get the souls of the damned in a bet with Damien, the concept of melancholy from Liam, who says it isn’t much of a stretch considering he has transformed into a general feeling of unease at one point, and you get the successful ketogenic diet from Polly, who has never eaten and thus doesn’t eat carbs.

At one point, after you’ve bought the baby teeth from a very suspicious dealer outside your school who suggested you snort them, you take a short break.

You stay outside, in the area where the daily rave usually takes place. You sit on a bench together. Vera sits up straight, and you stare at her for a moment. She’s attractive, but you try to compartmentalize that attractiveness. You try to understand why you find her attractive.

There’s certainly the physical part. She’s objectively hot, with an elegant way of carrying herself and a confident demeanor. Her eyes are observant, calculating. She has high, defined cheekbones and lips that are nice to stare at. Physically, she’s kind of a sight to behold.

And beyond the physical, she’s also deeply intelligent and business minded. She’s well informed and political, and she’s ambitious. She’s so ambitious and so willing to go after what she wants.

(You hope that she could want you, eventually.)

You say, “Why didn’t you go to prom with me?” and immediately regret it. Thinking out loud is such bullshit. You amend, “Nevermind—”

She cuts you off, “I kind of went with my gut,” she says, and she carefully examines your face for a reaction. “You could say that I’m not exactly used to feelings, mostly because I spend my time ignoring all of the ones that are inconvenient.”

“I see,” you say. You don’t really know where to go from there.

Vera hums, “You can be quite the distraction, Vicky,” she says, and you really don’t know how to process that.

“Oh,” you say, “oh.”

She smiles. It’s so nice to see her smile, and extremely unexpected. She seems proud when she looks at you, which makes your heart skip several consecutive beats. You’re really lucky that you happen to be a collection of reanimated corpses.

“Distractions aren’t ideal for me,” she says, “Neither is the insinuation that I have feelings, or that I care about others, but,” she glances at you, and you feel warm and delighted and confused all at once. “My feelings for you are complicated.”

“Complicated,”  you echo.

“Very,” she says, “Because, contrary to what I would like, I do care about you.”

She cares about you! Holy shit!

She scratches the back of her neck, “Well, uh, this is awkward,” she says.

“It isn’t awkward!” you say, way too quickly, “It’s, uh, kinda romantic,  you know?”

“Romantic,” Vera tests out the word, “I see.”

She seems to think over the concept, and slowly she lifts a hand to your cheek and tilts your head up a bit. She kisses you.

The kiss is curious, at first, as if she’s just testing the waters. It quickly manages to become more serious as she gets more involved, leaning into the kiss and running one of her hands through your hair. You return with equal interest, and maybe a bit of excitement. Okay, a lot of excitement.

She pulls away after a while, “That was satisfactory,” she says, and she smiles when she looks at you. “Okay, more than satisfactory.”

You could come up with a few more ways to describe it, like awesome, fantastic, amazing, etcetera.

Despite your increasingly sappy and romantic thoughts, and the fact that your heart feels like its swelling in your chest, you manage to have one coherent question.

“What was the potion for?”

“Oh, that shit?” says Vera, “it’s a scam for the sake of hanging out with you. I was mostly planning to sell all of it, but I am using the baby teeth to supply a small dentistry.”

“Is that also a scam?”

“Oh yeah,” she says, and she is doubly satisfied with herself. You kind of swell with pride, because she may be a cold-hearted capitalist with blood on her hands, but she’s your cold-hearted capitalist with blood on her hands.

[yeahwesaidthat]

TWWS: The Best of D&D

Ladiiiiiiiies and gentlemeeeeeeeeeeen! Welcome to the ultimate showdown: THE BEST OF D&D!

This post contains the best of the best of the D&D/RPG posts over the years of TWWS, all the way from the beginning. At the end of the post, there will be a link to a survey where you can vote for your favourites in each category (other/3.5e, 4e, and 5e) and nominate MVPs for each category. If the person you want to vote MVP has only been referenced as “Player,” just note down what quote they’re responsible for. A week from today (or until enough of you fill out the survey), Round 2 of the competition begins.

Everybody roll for initiative!

Overheard During Other RPGs

During Hackmaster, about a bottle label: SB: “It says ‘Thou shalt not question the DM over inane shit!’”

Overheard During D&D 3.5e

Unarmed damage?: MM: “It’s the difference between a slap and a bitch-slap.”

So wrong it's right: MM (IC): “I like your spunk.” KH (OOC): “So does [gay player].”

Rogue equipment: KB (IC): “I need [boots] that are…soft-sounding.” MM (IC): “We have socks.”

Describing a character: SO: “She is built like a brick shithouse.” DM: “She shits brick houses.” Bubbles: “She makes brick houses shit bricks.”

When the party has two rogues: KH (IC): “I can find it!” KB (IC): “I can find it better.”

RD (IC): “[Wizard], if you do not stop right now, I will arrest you for terminal stupidity, and I can assure you, I will find a law against it!”

A discount on services rendered: SO: “What’s 75% off of ‘I run and do whatever you ask without question’?”

Calling for divine help in very specific situations: MM: “Please state your current medical emergency.” KB: “Head-splosion.” SO: “If you have been stabbed, press one. If you are currently being stabbed, press two.” MM: “If your head’s detonated and you’ve launched into a wall, press three.” RD: “Why did you press three? We never expected anyone to press three!” SO: “We don’t know what to do in this medical emergency! Please dial again!”

IO: “[Wizard] is going to say - ” KB: “Can I tell you why this is a bad idea?” IO: “No.”

Proper procedure when everything goes to hell: RD: “[Cleric] goes outside and makes a magic circle, sits in it, and cries.”

KH (IC): “That stupid fucking son of a flea-ridden bitch cunt wizard - ” MM (IC): “Oh, him.”

How to pray to the god Ao: KB, KH, and MM: “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes sayin’ heeeeey-oh! I worship Aaaaaaa-o!” Bubbles: “[The wizard’s] gaaaaaaaay-o!"

Overheard During D&D 4e

SIDE NOTE: A Quiplash commentary on D&D 4e: A more environment-friendly alternative to toilet paper - 4th ed character sheets

What we think we saw - again?: Player: “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and weighs the same as a duck, it must be a witch.” KH: “It’s a witch.” RJ: “Build a bridge out of 'er!”

Healing needed: Player: “I have a mess kit, will that help?” WS: “Only if you want to make a mess.”

Captain: “Neverwinter ho!” Dwarf: “Hos? Where?”

SB: “Eventually you end up at the most popular stall in the market.” Player: “Porn?”

About attacking a character that may or may not be good: SB: “Wait, what’s your alignment?” Player: “Lawful Paranoid.”

Taunting the kraken: Player: “Your tentacles are so short even an anime girl wouldn’t take 'em!”

Questioning the legitimacy of an NPC: SB (IC as Priest): “I have a degree in polytheism from the University of Phoenix Online!”

Making sure it’s really dead: SB: "You kick the head and it goes sailing through the open door of the tomb. You hear a voice in the darkness go ’Gooooooooal!’”

Killing the undead: SB: “Congratulations, you choked something to death that doesn’t breathe.”

Mass undead murder: Player: “We made a ghoul-ash. An evil gumbo, really.”

Architecture: Player: “I like big buttresses and I cannot lie.”

Interesting kills: SB: “You decapitated him with a bludgeoning weapon.”

About flying books: Player 1: “The window opens in! How do they fly out?” Player 2: “They’re paperbacks."

Player: “Thank God I decided to engage the dragon in melee.” MW: “You’ll never hear that in any other D&D campaign ever again.”

Player: “Is the food still on the table?” Three Of Us: “DON’T EAT IT!!!”

Overheard During D&D 5e

Annoying Teen: (about his character) “Would he still hate me?” AD: (not about his character) “I think everyone hates you.”

Don’t mess with a dire bear: JI: “There’s one inside who attacks the bear…" (rolls) "...and misses horribly ‘cause he shits his pants.”

JI: “He doesn’t have 100 hit points. He has 95.”

Demonic insight: KH: “I say in Infernal, ‘Peace! We mean you no harm!’” JI: “There’s no word in Infernal for ‘peace.’” Retroactive Edit: Demons actually speak Abyssal. Devils speak Infernal.

Animal form disadvantages: AD: “I’m going to bite [the zombie].” Everyone Else: (mass noise of disgust)

JI: “You feel a pinch in your mind as if she’s flipping through your yellow pages.” AD: “That’s got to be a euphemism for something.” ST: “Oh, yeah, baby, turn my yellow pages.” JB: “Turn to ‘F’ for fun.”

What happens in every religious venue in every D&D campaign ever: JB: “Here is the church, here is the steeple,” KH: “Open the door, and here are the zombies.”

KH: “Did you sneak off to her house in the middle of the night?” ST: “Does that sound like something I would do?” KH, AD, and CD: “Yes.”

JI: “You guys came in here - ” AD: “ - like a wrecking ball - ”

Post-adventure considerations: KH: “[Rogue] wouldn’t know what to do with her life.” AD: “She can bail herself out of jail.”

Switching to melee for a change: CD: “Let’s see if this ‘offense’ thing you do all the time really works.” (rolls a critical hit)

The logistics of being swallowed by a sea monster: ST: “Am I going to take damage if I move further along his digestive tract?”

EC: “If you had leprosy and your ears fell off would you be a deaf leper?”

Identifying mysterious cults: KH: “What’s the Cult of Howling Hatred?” EC: “The Westboro Baptist Church, obviously.”

DR: “Apparently your god has personally intervened due to your badassery.”

A Mass Effect cameo on a dexterity check for dancing: EC: “If you roll a one, you dance like Shepard.”

EC (IC): “So what you’re saying is that it’s very dangerous and we shouldn’t go in. I’ll take point.”

Things to worry about in combat: KH: “You don’t have enough hit points to take it like a man, honey.”

The ends justify the means?: Bubbles: “Did you have fun role-playing an interrogation?” DR: “You guys are fucked up.”

KH: “How do you stun-lock a Terrasque?!?” JB: “Fourth Edition.”

ST: “Do we have to kill them before we eat? I hate murdering on an empty stomach.”

About a revenant and a possible lover: EC: “Well the beast is committing necrophilia and the necro is committing bestiality…” DR: “What happens in Faerun, et cetera.”

Rolling high on a seduction check: DR: “Frankly, I didn’t think you’d go down this road.” KH: “Oh, I went down all right.”

More on the seduction roll: Bubbles: “Try to convince her to come with us. The way she came with you last night.”

About a nonviolent kua-toa: Player: “He’s a paci-fish.”

About dealing with face-hugging enemies: CD: “You swung at yourself and missed?” AD: “I swung at myself and missed.”

ST (IC): “I’ll be staying in the boat unless you have need of my specific skills.” CD (OOC): “Dying first is not a skill.”

About cultists: DM (IC): “They are water people. Maybe they’re just going with the flow.”

About a minotaur who keeps missing: DM: “At least when you put a bull in a china shop he’ll break shit.”

About bottles of brandy: EC: “I have two questions: how many of them are there and how many of them can I carry?”

Ideas so bad they’re good: KH: “We’re gonna blow up the temple with the distillery.” F: “The temple, the lich, half the plot…”

About going forward: KH: “Against our better judgment.” DM: “What better judgment?” KH: “Good point.”

About shooting arrows: KH: “'Nock’ yourself out.”

About using a lot of magic: JS: “We’re blowing a big load here right now.”

JS: “You wanna go up the shaft?” ST and T: “That’s what he said.”

About flirting with an efreet: JI: “Below her waist is a trailing cloud of black smoke, so you’re not getting anything.”

Questioning the guardian imp: Player (IC): “What happens if someone disturbs the sarcophagus before your time is up?” WS (IC): “There’ll be six more weeks of winter.”

MR (IC): “Trying to undercut me on my quest to restore my former glory?” KH (IC): “You have no glory to restore.” Other Players: “Oooooooh!” SW: “Quick, someone cast heal!”

When talking with a spirit: MR (IC): “You can’t just ask someone if they’re dead! That’s incredibly rude! The correct term is ‘mortally challenged’!”

After a petrifying encounter with some basilisks: BC: “I always thought she was stone-hearted.” KT: “I dunno, I thought she rocked.” JS: “I am going to kill all of you.”

What to do with windmills: KH: “If we had a lance, we could go tilting.” MR: “Cavalier idea.”

Quest priorities: Player 1: “No one’s going to pay us to do it right now. It’s not worth the attention.”

JF: “Roll to see if you hit me by accident.” KH: “Oh, I’d hit you on purpose.”

K’s paladin chastising A’s paladin about her sex habits: A (IC): “I thought you were the paladin of joy!” K (IC): “Not that kind of joy!”

About a previous edition of D&D: KH: “[What] the hell couldn’t you do in 3.5?” SW: “Win.”

KH: “Technically you’re underage.” ST: “That’s never stopped me before.” AD: “You or your character?” ST: “Do I have to answer that?”

D: “We’re gonna make the Underdark great again!” ST: “We’re gonna build a wall - a really big wall in the Underdark, and we’re gonna make the gnomes pay for it.” A: “We pay for everything already! Screw you!”

About a character who caught fire: T: “He’s not rolling initiative; he’s rolling on the ground.”

T (IC): “Let’s go before the men’s egos get us killed.”

JB (IC): “My god believes in good opportunities. Not dying is a good opportunity.”

Passing on some bad news: JI (IC): “[Chief] not sick!” AD (IC): “He was when we were done with him.”

To a healer: KH (IC): “I don’t suppose you have a cure for the common cold?” JI (IC): “I’m not a miracle worker.”

Reassuring a woman scorned: AA (IC): “Go tell her - all men dogs.” JI (OOC): “Says the cat.”

To the tune of “Like a G6”: ST and KH: “Roll a d6, roll a d6!”

KH: “Of course it’s always about dirty sex - I’m a bard!” AD: “The hell are you two talking about down there?!”

To a mindflayer, about a stupid character: KH (IC): “I’d offer you his brain to eat, but I don’t think he has one.” JS (IC as mindflayer): “I don’t eat junk food.”

MGW: “It’s Tza…Zsa…his name is Jasper.”

Saying goodbye to the barkeep: MR (IC): “I’ll be back visiting the northern parts soon.” KH (OOC): “And then you can visit her southern parts.”

About a questionable NPC: ST (IC): “I would never dream of hurting you!” KH (IC): “I would.”

About prison visitations: JB (IC): “How often is it that a [gypsy] walks in here voluntarily?”

Failing a romance/persuasion check: AA: “Ooh, she cast Zone of Friend!”

Preparing for a swamp adventure: CD: “I want to buy some insect repellant.” AD: “What, your personality doesn’t drive them away?”

About a magic boat: JB (IC): “I saw it grow!” ST (IC): “Are you sure you didn’t rub it? That sometimes happens with wood.” JB (IC): “You would know.” ST (IC): “You wouldn’t.” JB (IC): “Tell that to my two children.”

About an injured drow: MGW (IC): “Look at that poor girl! She has a black eye! You can’t see it, ‘cause her skin is black, but still!”

Last-minute aliases: RD (IC): “Unfortunately, no, my name is Dick Ballsenshaft.”

To a half-orc and Sir Bearington, regarding weirdness: MGW (IC): “…but for me to assume you’re in a loving relationship with a talking bear is where we draw the line?!”

Wisdom for stealing magic items: KC: “Anything that glows goes.”

About fleeing: RD: “I’m going to run like an Amazon employee during the holidays.”

MGW: “You were doing so well until everybody died.” JF: “D&D in a summary.”

Once more about fleeing: RD: “A smart man knows when to run like a little bitch.” J: “Why do you think that’s the first thing I did?”

Recapping the previous session: A: “There was a shitshow, but we got away with it.” S: “So the usual, then.”

About creature size: MR: “Is an ettin large or huge?” MGW: “I think he’s just large.” A: “He’s probably large but pretends he’s huge.” AS: “Typical guy.”

When a pervy character is disgusted by a perv: RD: “Dear Kettle, I have an issue with your current hue. Signed, the Pot.”

A: “He told us to send a message.” KH: “A sword in the stomach is a message.” SW: “The Lannisters send their regards.”

The pervy paladin: A: “I used Lay On Hands. I healed him.” KH: “Yeah, but where did you lay your hands?” MGW: “Wherever she wanted.”

About our tactics: SW: “We put the 'fun’ in 'dysfunctional.’”

About possible activities: MGW (IC): “I know you’re a tiefling, but we’re all the same color in the dark, right?”

Interesting weapon material: MGW: “You all take a moment of reflective silence.” JB: “Nah, I’m just cleaning my bone.” KH: “Technically that’s a moment of reflective silence.” KC: “Not if you’ve seen the barbarian do it.”

Scrying like bad cell reception: KH: “Switch to AD&D.” JB: “Can you scry me now?”

About the taste of human: SW: “You would know.” A: “Nah, I don’t swallow.” MR: “This conversation is making me uncomfortable.”

Wrestling prep: MR (IC): “I want a good, clean fight.” A (IC): “No we don’t.” JB (IC): “What’s a clean fight?” A (IC): “It means you have to take a bath first.” JB (IC): “What’s a bath?”

MGW: “There’s a bridge that looks like it may have collapsed at some point.” JB: “Is it a-bridged?”

Beautiful references (read in Rorschach’s voice): AA: “I’m not grappled with YOU,” ST, AA, and KH: “YOU’RE grappled with ME!”

About remaining spells: KH: “I have three 1st-level slots and one 2nd-level slot.” CD: “Those are 'keeping people alive’ slots.”

Dealing with extra-limbed gorillas: ST: “Uh-oh! They must have been forewarned!” AD: “What makes you say that?” ST: “Forewarned is four-armed.” AD: -_-

Negotiation skills: AD: “It’s just me trying to bullshit him.” JI: “Why don’t you make a bullshit check?”

Trying to figure out if the staff is necromantic: CD: “We could kill a mouse in front of the staff. We could kill a mouse with the staff. How much is it to buy a mouse?”

JB: “Anyone die while I was gone?” SW: “Not on the outside.”

Wizarding limits: JS: “You may not polymorph your zombies into t-rexes.”

Zombies aren’t too smart: BC (IC): “Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!” Bobs: (run at gnoll party member) KH (OOC): “Et tu, Bob?” JS (OOC): “If this doesn’t belong in your blog, I dunno what does.”

Far too relatable: JS: “Twenty psychic damage.” BC: “I’ve taken more psychic damage from my mother.”

Worst-laid plans: KH (IC): “I have a very bad feeling about this.” MR (IC): “You should.”

Our go-to combat tactic: MR: “Are we going to stupid the guy to death?”

Zing!: MGW (IC): “If you join me, I can make you the greatest dwarf who ever lived.” TP (IC): “I am the greatest dwarf who ever lived.” Whole Table (OOC): “Ooooohhhhh!!!”

Another verbal duel with a sea god/character class limitations: KH: “I would say 'what is a god to a nonbeliever,’ but I’m a cleric.”

Activating the mysterious device: BC (IC): “We did it! I wonder what we did?”

Business as usual: KH: “This seems like a bad idea, but go ahead.”

Old adages: MR: “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” (IC) “But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!” (OOC) “Was that quote-worthy?” KH: “Yes.”

KC: “She can ride me. I don’t care.” KH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KC: “…I’M A BEAR IN ARMOR.”

Advantageous druidic inanity: KC: “Are you still riding the flying bear?” MR: “It’s flying now?” KC: “Yeah, he flew up to unlock the door.” AS: “…So he’s a flying bear with armor…”

Spell modifications for humourous purposes: MR: “Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they’re literally dodging the question.”

About a wild, crazy, out-of-left-field hypothesis: RD (IC): “I figured if you pulled something that big our of your ass there’d be bleeding involved.” MR (IC): “…That’s between me and my proctologist.” SW (OOC): “Did you take fire damage for that? That’s like Taco Bell levels of burn.”

As is per usual: MR: “We may have once again survived this by the skin of bullshit.”

Take the survey and vote for your favourites!

[mxrcusflint]

why flintwood?

 There are three main aspects as to why Flintwood draws me in so much as a ship - as a writer, they have to do with what canon gives us, and what canon allows us to build off of. I personally love expanding on minor characters that aren’t as constrained by canon; therefore this ship is writer’s gold for me. 

war & peace - named for one another;

Starting from last names, the connection between Wood and Flint is pretty obvious - one incites the other. Tie in their given names, where Oliver equates to peace, and Marcus referring to the Roman god of war. Now, JKR is always deliberate in names, and her choice most likely refers to peace winning out over war in the end (Oliver beating Marcus finally in POA). But this naming explicitly ties these two characters together in a way I love to explore. 

What is interesting to me, in rereading their characters, is that Oliver is the one who is emotionally charged, quick to anger and retaliation in the face of Marcus’ needling. Marcus, on the other hand, sticks to more snide remarks, and seems relatively calm, albeit amused by Wood’s reactions. Oliver is noted as capable of putting aside all other concerns in favor of winning, even other’s well being. Marcus, on the other hand, seems to place more value on having the strongest team. He practices sneaky tricks and physical fouls on the pitch, yes, but doesn’t seem to want to risk the overall well-being of his team. “Peace” and “War” aren’t apparent in their actions, nor their motives. Both are bent on winning - the ways they go about it aren’t the usual representation. One could argue diplomatic Cedric Diggory seems to match a picture of peace better than Oliver does. 

In shipping terms, their names may speak to initial conflict, but digging a little deeper in the meaning of their names brings surprising similarities. Oliver also has meanings of affection; Marcus, defense and tenderness. It’s this semi-meta that’s drawn me in - that under the surface there is so much more to their characters, and so much could grow in a potential relationship. It makes for a fascinating play on characterization. As canon doesn’t give us much past the standard traits (enthusiastic mentor of a captain, the surly rival, respectively), I always go back to their names when writing. 

meet me on the pitch - quidditch parallels;

As minor characters, Oliver and Marcus only ever really appear in the sphere of the quidditch pitch. Given Harry’s narrative, that leaves a lot open to interpretation of what happens off-page, as it is with most minor characters.

Like their names - I consider Oliver and Marcus’ roles on the pitch. Oliver is a keeper, defensive. Marcus plays as chaser - an offensive position. They’re the only positions in the game who will face off directly against each other in order to achieve something. Their focus will be on one another at many points in the game. It’s likely that they’d study each other on the pitch. Their aim, when playing, are centered around the hoops and combatting one another. 

How they organize practice and their teams is also contrasting. Oliver is ordered - early morning practices, devising schedules all summer. He sticks to plans, and an upheaval like a Hufflepuff-instead-of-Slytherin game throws him off wildly. However, Marcus seems to work on chaos. He disrupts Wood’s practice, and manages to get his team to do so as well. He changes the line-up each year, while Oliver keeps the same team from Harry’s first year.

Their goals, at the end of the day, are the same: win the cup. Marcus succeeds one year, Oliver in another. They’re both captains fairly young (JKR is notoriously bad at math but -) Oliver being made captain at latest his 4th year, and Marcus similarly. This could speak to a future outside of Hogwarts. We don’t know about Marcus, but Oliver did sign onto Puddlemere. It’s ripe with more potential for interaction, and they could carry the same dynamic onto a larger arena.

So while Flintwood fits the trope of ‘opposites attract’, there’s also an undercurrent of striking parallels in their minimal storyline. Quidditch also serves as a great backdrop for immediate confrontation, or avoidance - a chaser can either fly directly towards the goals, or could try to outmaneuver the keeper. 

a house divided - the slytherdor dynamic;

The most potent ships in HP seem to be Gryffindor x Slytherin related. That split in allegiance, values - it leads to heavy stuff, to say the least. Oftentimes, these ships acknowledge that for there to be romantic involvement, there needs to be a growth in character, due to the antagonism, and aspect of being enemies. And in any relationship, I believe people should grow for the better.

But are Oliver and Marcus really enemies? It never seemed to me they hated each other to the degree, say, Draco and Harry did. They dislike each other’s ways of leading their teams, want to one-up the other, but the animosity doesn’t seem to quite come cross as enemies, and instead levels off at sports rivalry. There’s a begrudging respect, almost - they take the other seriously when it comes to playing, which speaks to knowing the other one is good enough, however hard it is to admit.

So the conflict grows from their values, and how their morals align.

Oliver could throw everything away to get what he wants. And that’s fascinating, this single-minded focus, because it could also speak to him throwing away everything in war-time to protect the ones he love. Canonically, he goes back to fight at the BoH, and his values do seem to align pretty evenly with standard Gryffindor ones. 

Oliver is devoted to the cause, focused and blinded to everything else. Very Gryffindor through and through - a little reckless, brave in his intent, ready to fight. 

And then there’s Marcus. 

Flint is a fascinating character for me mainly because of how little we solidly know about him, yet how much history he could have. The Flints are part of the Sacred Twenty Eight - so assumed pureblooded. Josephina Flint, being a former MoM, would also probably set up the family as fairly powerful, but we’re unsure whether that has lasted to the present day in the storyline. However, as Marcus seemed to maintain respect as quidditch captain, and because Slytherin can be inferred as relying more on social power and name standing than other houses, a conclusion can be drawn that the Flint name could hold some weight. 

But then (even though this was an error on JKR’s part but I consider this anyways), Marcus repeats a year. Not something that’s seen in good light, assumedly. He’s described as cunning, and “flying like an eagle”, and failing NEWTS doesn’t necessarily discourage from a future wizarding career. Yet he remains as captain, makes changes to the Slytherin line-up without there being much upset from other housemates - he still seems to holds respect. The reason for repeating a year could be expanded on in so many ways in writing.

And JKR puts two tropes of young Slytherins in canon - ones, like Draco or Pansy, who make their beliefs and alignments well known. And others, like Zabini, who might associate, but are not as transparent about their War decisions. Where does Marcus fall? It’s up to interpretation as well. With his background (and ancestor’s ties to the Black family), he could easily believe in the Dark Lord’s cause. But being associated by bloodline with prominent Dark Lord supporters doesn’t necessarily predict a character’s beliefs. There’s a possibility of keeping his opinions low in order to retain his position of power in the house. 

Furthermore, I have a hard time seeing Marcus as committing to a ‘higher’ cause. He’s a leader, and is angry when things don’t turn out his way (see: Draco missing the snitch in CoS). It doesn’t necessarily fit in Marcus’ character to become a follower, nor to be too involved politically. The split in Gryffindor and Slytherin ideals, for me, is that Gryffindors are about larger pictures of morality. They believe in something, they’ll fight for whatever it is. Slytherins do that on a smaller scale, and their loyalty is to themselves and their loved ones first. 

So considering a relationship - Gryffindor would likely fight the good fight. Slytherin would either be torn between “loved one being in danger” and “this is an abstract ideal, why would you fight for that?”. A split, ripe for misunderstanding. For me, Flintwood during wartime is so multilayered. If there would be Dark vs Light differences, the reasons each one chose their sides would be complex. If their values did align in what they consider right, it still doesn’t mean both would go into the fight. 

And what they consider as self-preservation vs. cowardice is another relationship pitfall that holds so much emotion. Flintwood is not so much about the very clear split between Light and Dark, but rather how the same motives could come across in different ways, just like on the pitch.

If we put full shipping notions on this, the need to protect one another could still cause highly charged arguments and future need for reconciliation, but I digress. 

So. Flintwood. For such small characters, they’re set up as foils with quite a few layers. What I personally take away from all this is that their immediate contrasts in character can be pulled away for quite poignant similarities underneath. It’s quasi-meta, but it makes characterizing Marcus and Oliver quite a lot of fun, and opens up many narratives. 

If you read this whole thing, I’d like to give you a huge thank you, a hug, and all my love. These are just my thoughts, and I’d love to hear how/why other people ship Flintwood!

[flauntpage]

Please Do Not Blame the Officiating – Ten Takeaways from Cowboys 29, Eagles 23 (OT)

Don’t let the God-awful officiating distract you from the real reasons why the Eagles lost this game:

the offense was appalling for the better part of three quarters

the play calling again disappointed

the kicker missed a crucial extra point

the defense eventually ran out of steam after a Herculean early effort

It’s not to say that the officiating was amazing, because it wasn’t. It was utter shit. But for whatever reason, we as Philadelphia sports fans generally default to the most rudimentary and emotional reactions, and last night the reaction was to blame the referees and casually ignore everything else this team did wrong.

Of course the Dallas Goedert “pass interference” and non-fumble on the opening play really hurt, but the Eagles also:

went 1-9 on third down

didn’t do enough with a +2 turnover margin

got crushed in time of possession

did not/could not run the ball

fumbled in the Dallas half of the field

All of those things contributed more to the loss than two bad calls by the officials. These issues comprised multiple plays over multiple series over multiple quarters. The referees made two obvious screw ups on two plays. The former is a larger sample size than the latter.

The most reasonable take, therefore, is this:

The Eagles got screwed yesterday but did nothing to help themselves.

Story of the season, yeah? They did nothing to help themselves.

With that, the charade is over. This team was likely going to get hammered in Los Angeles next week anyway, especially with the Rams coming off a bad road loss. They might have had a chance at home against the Texans before likely going down to Washington to beat up on Mark Sanchez again.

This is a patchwork defense featuring some guys who weren’t even on the team four weeks ago, so that does that continue to hold up? And even if they did get into the playoffs at 9-7, then what? They maybe scrape by Minnesota or Seattle and then get smoked in New Orleans or LA?

This was supposed to be the “new norm.” The new norm is not 9-7 and a playoff win. The new norm was returning to the Super Bowl. It was taking your franchise quarterback and building a dynasty. The bar was raised this year and they failed to clear it. The injuries piled up. They didn’t make the big plays when necessary and they lost a lot of close games.

Shrug.

It happens to a lot of defending champions. 9-7 was never good enough in the first place, so now we move on and look forward to next season.

1) Passing and/or running

I believe this ended 35 to 11 in called passes vs. called runs because of the short-side option that Carson Wentz ran for a loss in the first half.

Therefore, the Eagles finished with a 76/24 split in terms of passing and running.

You just can’t win a football game that way, not with this personnel. And it’s not like the Eagles fell behind early and had to abandon the run game. It was a 3-0 at the end of the first quarter and 6-0 at the end of the first half, so there’s no reason they couldn’t have tried to establish the running a game a bit more, especially after an opening series in which Josh Adams ran the ball for 30+ yards on three carries. Losing Corey Clement probably dashed whatever they were going to do in the screen game, though they could have tried to use Darren Sproles a bit more. He only had four touches on the day while Adams finished with a whopping seven carries.

Last week the Eagles pulled off a really nice 60-40 pass/run split while showing various shotgun and under center looks. It was a nice blend, and it wasn’t like they were playing with the lead the entire time. Washington went up on the 90-yard Adrian Peterson run, right? You have to commit to running the ball in a one-score game, otherwise you end up with what we got last night.

2) He can’t put together a complete game

If you’re Carson Wentz, a strong finish can’t make up for a poor start. If he actually did something in the first two quarters, maybe this game wouldn’t have turned into a mad scramble for overtime.

Carson just does not look as… I don’t know what the word is… aware? He doesn’t seem to have the same pocket awareness and sense of urgency that he did last season. He is not “feeling” backside pressure and he’s very flat on his feet when setting to throw. He’ll often take a snap, turn, and go completely flat-footed when going through his progressions.

There was one play specifically where he saw a blitz coming and missed Nelson Agholor on a flat pass that would have gashed the Cowboys for 10+ yards. He missed Goedert wide open on a short flag route in the first quarter and then almost killed Alshon Jeffery in the third quarter when throwing a slant about a yard behind him.

The storyline coming into this one is that Carson had to go out and prove that he was a big game quarterback by giving us a great performance, and we didn’t get a great performance. We got three touchdowns and a 69 completion percentage, but we also got a bad fumble and just one third down conversion on nine tries. Dak Prescott, who threw two horrible interceptions, made up for it by completing 42 of 54 passes (77.7%) and hit two receivers in stride for critical scores. Dak had two touchdown throws that were better than anything Carson did on Sunday, including the pass that found Agholor on the one-yard line and saved the Eagles’ bacon.

Carson just hasn’t been situational Carson this year, and that’s the key here. He’s putting up good numbers and you’ve seen flashes of brilliance here and there, but he’s not the third down guru he was last year and he’s not the same quarterback in the pocket. You can’t go out and play 1.5 quarters of decent football.

3) The defense

They played an incredible game, all of them except for Sidney Jones, who looked like the hamstring was bothering him a lot more than I originally thought. I have no doubt that it played a role in his second half struggles.

This is a depleted defense that forced three turnovers after creating just nine in the prior 12 games. The tackling was excellent on Sunday, spearheaded by future safety Rasul Douglas, who made a couple of key stops in the first half that gave the Eagles’ loser offense a chance to stay in the game. The defensive line made some plays in the fourth quarter as well and put the Cowboys into a 4th and 1 in overtime. They did everything they did while spending a ridiculous 45 minutes on the field, which includes back-to-back drives to end the fourth quarter and begin the extra period.

I don’t blame them one bit for not getting the stop in overtime. If the Eagles offense actually did fuck-all in the first half and moved the chains, the defense wouldn’t have been cooked by the time we got to the fourth.

If you want to criticize Jim Schwartz for anything, criticize him for putting De’Vante Bausby 1v1 with Amari Cooper on that killer play in the second half. I know he doesn’t have a ton of options with all of the injuries piling up, and Corey Graham needs to take a better angle on that play, but there’s very little margin for error when deploying guys who weren’t even on the team four weeks ago.

4) Things that make white people comfortable

I have not given enough props to Michael Bennett this season. He’s been a monster on the defensive line.

In this game alone, he had two massive tackles for loss and a forced fumble to go along with five quarterback hits and seven tackles.

I also loved the patience he showed on that Prescott keeper, where he held his ground and didn’t bite. This is such a savvy play:

For everything Howie Roseman got wrong this offseason, he definitely got this one right.

5) the NFL overtime rules are a joke

There’s no justifiable reason for allowing a game to end in overtime without both teams getting an offensive possession.

You can say, “well the defense has to get off the field,” and of course that’s true, but we’re gonna sit here and rely on a coin toss to determine who starts with the ball? After four quarters? That’s what we’re gonna do? Just tweak the rule to make it like college. If a team scores any points on their opening possession, then the other team gets the ball with a chance to at least match it.

If you want to understand how ridiculous the rules are, try applying them to another sport, like basketball.

Say the Sixers are playing the Nets. You flip a coin and the Nets win the coin toss. If they score a three-pointer, they win. But if they hit a two-pointer, the Sixers get a chance to match it. Spencer Dinwiddie comes down the floor and hits a contested three-pointer. Game over.

How is that fair?

Baseball:

The Phillies get to bat first. If they hit a home run, they win. If they score on a sac fly, the Mets gets to bat. Hitting and fielding teams are decided by a coin flip.

How about that? Does that make any sense?

It’s just a head-scratching way of deciding a football game. At least the college rules allow for matching scores in a fair way, and that’s how I’d approach the professional game. I would just move the starting points back to the 50 yard line or something like that.

6) Two of the dumbest calls ever

Alright, here they are, in all of their glory:

First, it was the non-fumble on the opening kickoff:

Looked like a clear fumble and and then a recovery by Kamu Grugier-Hill pic.twitter.com/HiPSJTKQny

— The Bitter Birds (@AdrianFedkiw) December 9, 2018

The explanation was that the officials didn’t have clear evidence that there was a recovery on the play, which is ridiculous to me, because there literally are only green Eagle jerseys on top of the football.

Here’s an explanation on that decision, confirming the fumble:

Official Clete Blakeman: "We’ve got to have clear evidence that there was a fumble, which we did. ..The second component of it was there a clear recovery? And that’s just what we couldn’t confirm with the angles we had on video to make it a clear recovery by Philadelphia.”

— Zach Berman (@ZBerm) December 10, 2018

More from Clete Blakeman: "I mean it's really hard unless we have somebody with clear possession and control of it before the pile up begins and then we give it to them. We just didn't have that on this one."

— Zach Berman (@ZBerm) December 10, 2018

Who did you think was controlling it? Surely not the Cowboys. The officials basically could not determine which of three Eagles were controlling the football, so they gave it back to Dallas. It might be the worst call I have ever seen in 25+ years of watching the NFL.

Malcolm Jenkins on the play:

“Whoever is watching that in New York should stay off the bottle. …Again, common sense. You saw Kamu come out with the ball. …That was, in hindsight, a big play in the game.”

It was a big play, yes, but it’s not why they lost. Even if the Eagles score there to go up 3-0 or 7-0, you’ve got 58 minutes left in the game, 58 minutes in which anything could have happened. All we’re doing from there is playing the “what if?” game and relying on conjecture to flesh out bogus arguments.

Here’s the Dallas Goedert “offensive pass interference” play that wiped out a touchdown:

Here is the video of the offensive pass interference on Dallas Goedert that took away his 75 yard touchdown

pic.twitter.com/JxBpANKFmZ

— John Clark (@JClarkNBCS) December 10, 2018

That’s not offensive pass interference; he’s just cutting back to the inside on his route and there’s some contact with the defender, who bumps slightly inside of five yards. The Eagles were denied a touchdown on the play and went on to score on the drive anyway with the help of one makeup call and one justifiable illegal contact flag against Dallas.

Here are some national perspectives on the Goedert play:

What a cowardly penalty against the Eagles. No zebra in the world should interfere with that catch.

— Michael Wilbon (@RealMikeWilbon) December 10, 2018

That’s an extremely weak OPI call on Philly. Yikes

— Geoff Schwartz (@geoffschwartz) December 10, 2018

That is a terrible call. Again.

— Ross Tucker (@RossTuckerNFL) December 10, 2018

I also found the Zeke Elliott lowering helmet penalty to be kind of lame also. Every running back lowers their helmet to brace for contact. You could literally call that on half of the plays in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

Dallas ended up with 11 penalties for 111 yards, which was double what the Eagles were flagged for. The refs tried to correct their mistakes with some makeup calls, but nothing they whistled was as damaging as the opening kickoff or the Goedert OPI.

7) Auxiliary stuff

I actually want to start with how the Eagles did in the first Cowboys game:

lost time of possession battle, 33 to 27 minutes

-1 turnover margin (interception)

4-10 on third down (40%)

0-2 on fourth down

allowed Dallas to go 8-16 on third down (50%) and 1-1 on fourth down (fake punt)

lost 10 yards on two sacks

2-3 success rate in red zone

zero penalties

And here’s how they did this time around:

lost time of possession battle, 45 to 22 minutes*

+2 turnover margin

1-9 on third down (11%)

1-1 on fourth down

allowed Dallas to go 10-19 on third down (52.6%) and 1-1 on fourth down

lost 6 yards on two sacks

3-4 success rate in red zone

five penalties for 49 yards

They got hammered in time of possession both times out. The Eagles are generally phenomenal in TOP, but Dallas had early success running the ball again while the offense could not move the sticks, therefore the defense was pretty much gassed by the time overtime hit. That 45 minute number for Dallas is bloated because of OT, but in regulation the Eagles still got absolutely obliterated. 22 minutes worth of offensive possession and a 93-48 total play margin is a recipe for losing.

You can’t go out and turn a +2 turnover margin into 250 yards of total offense while going 1-9 on third down. You can’t win football games that way.

8) Doug’s best call?

4th and 3, I really liked the combination pick play and wheel route out of the backfield for Darren Sproles:

Well executed, though they honestly could have flagged Alshon for that. It’s just a judgment call for the officials, i.e., is the receiver making a genuine effort to run his route, or does he move his body to set a screen? This time they decided not to throw a flag.

9) Doug’s worst call?

2nd quarter, 3rd and 1 – you run a short side option with a quarterback who tore his ACL one year ago?

4th quarter, 3rd and goal – you throw a five-yard slant that lands five yards short of the goal line?

I don’t get it. Multiple calls just didn’t do it for me yesterday.

Also, and this one is more on Duce Staley, but when Wentz audibled out of a pass play at the goal line, Wendell Smallwood ended up running the ball. I don’t have a problem with Smallwood at all, but Josh Adams and Darren Sproles are your #1 and #2 guys right now. Smallwood is out of the rotation entirely, so I’m not sure why he was even in the game at that point. He hasn’t touched the ball since week 11.

You can put Doug’s overtime timeout usage, or lack thereof, in this entry as well.

10) The broadcast

I admittedly was not paying too much attention. I feel like the Eagles have had Troy Aikman and Joe Buck for something like five games this season. Seriously. Has it been that many? It feels like it has.

One thing that jumped out to me was the discussion at the beginning of the fourth quarter when Randy Gregory was flagged for roughing Carson Wentz. Aikman didn’t think it was a penalty, which Eagles fans probably interpreted as some kind of pro-Dallas bias, but I didn’t see it that way. The guy is a quarterback, so is he now anti-quarterback for disagreeing with the call? He played in an era when defenses were allowed to do a little bit more and weren’t whistled for every single minor transgression, so I think that’s where he was coming from with that.

That said, Mike Perreira came on and explained the two-step rule, saying “That’s what was called and that’s what it is.” So whether or not Aikman felt it was a penalty is ultimately irrelevant. Perreira also disagreed with the OPI on Goedert while Aikman didn’t seem passionate about the call one way or another.

The one thing I thought Aikman did that was kind of corny was when he complained about the Eagles’ touchdown celebration, which was admittedly lame. You played like shit for most of the game, so just spike the football and get off the field. The celebration seemed tone deaf to me.

But, ironically:

Troy Aikman, who played with Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders, is concerned about celebrations

— Franzke & LA (@FranzkeLA) December 9, 2018

FOX also didn’t give us an explanation for why that mystery flag was picked up late in the game.

Shrug.

That’s all I’ve got.

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