#32 is hitting me harder than 30 for some reason?

[hobisexually]

I feel so, so old but also so, so young and it’s starting to freak me out

[melit0n]

Part three to the Sleep Token FX post. Some of these I've picked up on my own, and others have been pointed out to me by @reveries-of-my-mind and @moonchild-in-blue through their reblogs of my original post about Vore. A lot of these FX bits are more obvious, so I decided to just put TMBTE in one post.

Part three includes: Take Me Back To Eden

Part One -> One, Two, Jaws and The Way That You Were

Part Two -> Sundowning and This Place Will Become Your Tomb

+ If I've missed something, feel to add your own thoughts!

Note- some of these are FX, others are sound mixing and music bits I wanted to mention. Any song you don't see mentioned are songs that I couldn't find anything to pull out of them. Plus, reminder; these are my interpretations, I'm sorry if you can't hear what I hear, or you think something different.

Chokehold

- Lots and lots of digital, glitchy FX which sets the mood for the album. This is also repeated throughout all the songs in the album, which works with their algorithm-esc, robotic theme (both lyrically and musically) in their songs for this one.

The Summoning

- Unfortunately, everyone's favourite jazz-metal amalgamation doesn't have any other SFX notes other than carrying on Chokehold's glitchy FX motifs.

Aqua Regia

- Jazz café ambience shown throughout the song, also, every single instrument other than the main paino is echoed and or muffled.

+ Fun fact! Aqua Regia is Latin for Royal Water. It's a concentrated solution of Hydrochloric and nitric acids, and is one of the only acids that can dissolve Gold; it's used in the jewelry trade to test the purity of Gold. Not a clue what Vessel is trying to get across with that, but his obsession with chemistry and biology motifs strike again.

Granite

- The screetch of the guitar chord at 2:32, right before the breakdown, sounds almost like a car hitting the breaks and skidding. Works well with Granite's theme of car crashes. You can almost imagine someone having an argument in the car, and the screetch is a result of things going a bit too far.

Vore

- Like I said in my original post, in the beginning (first fifteen seconds), along with the scratchy guitar chord, there are chewing and swallowing sounds. The song is quite literally from the point of view of being stuck in the throat of a God.

- At 3:23 to 3:30, there are bird noises similar to the ones at the start of TMBTE! They're incredibly subtle, but they're there. If you can't pinpoint it, there's a squeaking noise at 3:27, which is just a bird tweeting!

Rain

- From 3:55 to the end of the song, there's rain, which is obviously very fitting. Not specifically rain tapping on a rooftop, but more so rain pouring down a gutter, at least to me.

Take Me Back To Eden

- From 0:00 to 0:40, there's echoed animal noises, like if you were to stand in the middle of a rainforest. The song starts of in absolute silence, only broken by nature; not a human made noise to be heard. It's quite literally Eden. These sounds are there throughout the song, they just get much harder to hear the longer Vessel sings and the more instruments they later on top of eachother.

- At 1:42, there's either a Lion's or a Tiger's roar.

- From 3:10-3:16, there's the sound of thunder.

- A lot of the jingles you hear in The Summoning are repeated here! E.g; 3:40 and, more clearly, at 4:50 and 7:50.

- The lyrics "we were tangled up like branches in a flood; it was no accident" are direct refrences to the lyrics in Chokehold.

Euclid

- The song is 5 minutes and 13 seconds long, but Vessel only starts singing at the 13 second mark. The first lyric? "Just run it back, give me five whole minutes". We, as the listener give him five whole minutes to say what he's gotta say. Further, the song ends on the exact same piano chord that it begins with; the song, in of itself, is a loop. Anytime you play Euclid on loop, you are running it back and giving him five whole minutes. One of the reasons Euclid is my favourite (next to Aqua Regia) for this album.

- The lyrics "the night belongs to you" and "this bough is broken through" are lyrical refrences to The Nigh Does not Belong to God from Sundowning and When The Bough Breaks from One. The oldest album, and ST's first produced album.

- From 4:02 to the end of the song, a verse from The Night Does Not Belong To God is played. It completes the produced album trilogy, and, with the five stages of grief, allows for acceptance and healing. Euclid not only loops itself, but loops the three albums together. Sundowning, TPWBYT and TMBTE are an endless loop that can and will be played as many times as needed for Vessel, for you, as the listener, to heal. To accept change. To realise there's more than denial, anger bargaining and depression. And I think that, in of itself, is beautiful.

---------

Album Notes: Sleep Token really put their whole soul into this album huh. By far, it's the one that uses SFX the most, and rounds out Sleep Token's own genre as a whole. We see snippets of older songs used throughout the album, both lyrical refrences and actual chunks of old songs taken out and placed within other ones. 10/10, would cry to again.

Thank you for reading through all my thoughts and feelings, whoever you are. Remember, the night belongs to you; worship <3.

[nyaheum]

My Annual Eurovision List - 2023

Completely based on music videos until we actually see some staging. Don’t come at me.

37. POLAND

Solo – Blanka

LMAO fuck TVP. Jann would have been my winner.

36. LITHUANIA

Stay (ČIŪTO TŪTO) – Monika Linkytė

Bleh. I know some people really like this song, but...bleh. There’s nothing here that sticks with me. The song was over and I forgot what it sounded like. I don’t know, I’m used to more from Lithuania.

35. IRELAND

We Are One – Wild Youth

This is the point where I feel like too many bands are hurting this year. They would have been fine any other year, but comparing them to the other bands this year, they’re quite weak. I also expect them so sing “We are Young” every single time...what is fun. up to anyway? (hiatus, apparently.)

34. AZERBAIJAN

Tell Me More – TuralTuranX

Uh...it’s a song. Their name reminds me of Duran Duran. Remembering the name of Duran Duran was the main thing I did while listening to this song. I abolutely HATE spoken word, oh my god. And apart from that, this sounds like one of those songs from an average to slightly bad romcom. Not even the ending song, but the one from the middle, the part where the producers knew that they wanted to convey the passage of time so they simply chose to do a montage.

33. ALBANIA

DUJE – Albina dhe Familja Kelmendi

The guy singing in between is absolutely taking me out. Definitely would’ve liked this more if the chorus hit harder, like this it’s just...kind of sad? But not the good kind, the melodramatic kind (which I can appreciate, to a certain extent, but not to THIS extent.)

32. CYPRUS

Break A Broken Heart – Andrew Lambrou

Did you know that Andrew actually wanted to participate for Australia in 2022? Yeah. I googled this while listening to the song because it has nothing that pulls me in. It’s fine, don’t get me wrong, he has a great voice, but...eh.

31. GREECE

What They Say – Victor Vernicos

Why is he a child. I like the chorus, kind of, but that’s pretty much it. Very meh.

30. LATVIA

Aijā – Sudden Lights

Another song that really takes its time to build up to nothing noteworthy, which is a shame, because in its basics, I quite enjoy it. It’s just a little...frustrating when the chorus comes and goes and nothing in me has changed? Idk lmao.

29. SWITZERLAND

Watergun – Remo Forrer

This is my grandma’s favourite song this year, yay? For some reason I keep reading his name as Ferrero Rocher. The letters barely match, I think it’s just because this is Switzerland. (yes, ferrero is italian, idk.) Oh, the song? It’s fine. It’s not his fault he’s not Gjon.

28. ICELAND

Power – Diljá

It’s fine. Feels very generic, but doesn’t hit hard enough to justify it. Specifically considering it’s Iceland sending it.

27. ARMENIA

Future Lover – Brunette

Surprisingly good in theory, but in the end I only actually like the middle part. The beginning is well sung but a little too slow for me, and I don’t really enjoy the end in general? I’m very unsure with this.

26. NETHERLANDS

Burning Daylight – Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper

I don’t find any joy anymore either, dude. We’re so in synch, damn. Why does the first chorus do that thing where it teases a nice build up for half a second just to drop immediately? And then the second one doesn’t even properly redeem it. Ruined the whole song for me, genuinely. Not that I liked it a lot before, ehem.

25. DENMARK

Breaking My Heart – Reiley

I listened to this and kept thinking that it sounds like a song I already know, but...turns out it was just this song the whole time. Apparently someone at my local radio station really likes it. I don’t, really, I feel like I might be too old for this type of music. Talking about this...you’re telling me Reiley is OLDER than me? What the hell.

24. ITALY

Due Vite – Marco Mengoni

Second year in a row where Italy doesn’t really do it for me, damn. At least it’s a lot better than whatever was going on last year with Brividi. I still liked Supereroi a lot more and think it should have won. Meh.

23. SAN MARINO

Like an animal – Piqued Jacks

Certainly a song. All I could think about while watching this is one Youtube comment simply saying “He is a little hot” because...they’re not wrong? The song itself just doesn’t hit – but I have the fleeting suspicion that this might be fixed by having the sound mixing done by literally anyone that ISN’T San Marino. I don’t even dislike it or anything.

22. ESTONIA

Bridges – ALIKA

I know that everybody loves this, okay? It’s good enough. Perfectly good ballad. It’s not her fault I dislike most ballads. I do like the last minute though, it picks up a lot, I enjoy that.

21. AUSTRALIA

Promise – Voyager

I love how Australia is really going through the classic Eurovision evolution. My right ear also likes the song. I watched the music video, and I think the left one just didn’t get invited or something. It’s actually REALLY off-putting.

20. SLOVENIA

Carpe Diem – Joker Out

Please don’t come for me, but why does everyone love this SO much? Like, I like it a bit too, but not as much as everyone else seems to? I genuinely feel like I’m missing something here.

19. BELGIUM

Because Of You – Gustaph

This is so groovy, I don’t know why everybody hates it. (I mean, I DO know, but apart from that...it’s not that bad.) It’s not the best thing I’ve ever heard, and the aspect ratio of the official music video freaks me out, but it’s very camp – which is a good thing, obviously this is Eurovision after all!

18. UNITED KINGDOM

I Wrote A Song – Mae Muller

I had no expectations for the UK, mainly because I missed all of the teasing they did, so I’m completely fine with this...it just feels like a lot of songs this year sound similar to this? Maybe I’m going insane. But it’s nice to listen to. I wouldn’t turn the radio off if it came on.

17. GEORGIA

Echo – Iru

Imagine how much more this could have slapped if it was in Georgian. Just imagine. It’s fine like this too, and I’m sure it will be elevated by the staging, but...just imagine, honestly.

16. ROMANIA

D.G.T – Theodor Andrei

Okay, let’s ignore the performance for a bit, and just judge the song. I quite like it, actually. His voice is nice, it’s absolutely something different, and I always give a native language bonus.

15. MALTA

Dance (Our Own Party) – The Busker

The revamp did good things for this song. I like a good saxophone, and I feel like this is quite underrated in the community. It’s fun(ky), I think they will be great live, and the music video is definitely worth a watch while you’re at it.

14. SPAIN

Eaea – Blanca Paloma

I feel like I shouldn’t talk about this song without my lawyer. It’s growing on me, very slowly, but there’s still only select parts of the song that I really like, while the rest is just something I have to go through to reach them. Like the salad you get when you order a steak with fries. (I also just liked Agoney a lot more.)

13. PORTUGAL

Ai Coração – Mimicat

After a song I absolutely couldn’t stand last year, Portugal absolutely delivers again. Feels very authentic to Portugal, I really like her voice, it’s quite fast-paced, I really enjoy it.

12. SWEDEN

Tattoo – Loreen

It’s a song. I don’t know, I don’t care about it, it’s good, sure, but it’s absolutely not a winner for me. Also, the pre-chorus sounds so much like another song I know, but I cannot figure out which one and it’s driving me insane. (I have to admit though, rhyming pain and rain IS true lyrical genius, and whoever wrote that part should win an award.) I like the studio version more than the live version by the way. Yes, even with the performance. Don’t ask me why.

11. MOLDOVA

Soarele si Luna – Pasha Parfeni

I love that as long as we have Moldova, Eurovision will never be boring. This is genuinely nice, too, and fills the void Fulenn left in my heart last year perfectly.

10. FRANCE

Evidemment – La Zarra

C’est très...French. Obviously. Good French, but French nonetheless. Groovy, though. I can appreciate that it’s not really a chanson chanson.

9. UKRAINE

Heart Of Steel – TVORCHI

It’s completely fine. Quite good, even, but I just don’t think that it lives up to the songs Ukraine sent the past decade or so...which is understandable, not only because of their situation, but because the song sent by the winning country never really is. I still really appreciate it for it’s modern tone and the bass. (still preffered fiinka though sorry)

8. CROATIA

Mama ŠČ! - LET 3

This is my absolute guilty pleasure this year. I even rather like it musically, I quite enjoy it away from all the chaos. Of course, the chaos is the main reason I like it. What would Eurovision be without these songs, seriously? BRRRR, TRAKTOR.

7. ISRAEL

Unicorn – Noa Kirel

I know people don’t like this because it sounds like three songs mashed together, but I quite like it. Why? Probably because I listen to K-Pop, I’m used to the mashed-together-sound, and I quite like it. Apart from that I enjoy the song, of course, although I’m purposefully ignoring the lyrics.

6. SERBIA

Samo mi se spava – Luke Black

I listen to music like this quite a lot, so I obviously enjoy it...I’m just very afraid that it won’t really land at Eurovision, not with the juries and not with the televote. But I’ll be optimistic and delude myself into thinking that there’s no way it won’t at least make it out of the SF. (And I would absolutely believe it if it was in Semi 2 instead of Semi 1.)

5. NORWAY

Queen of Kings – Alessandra

She, Queen of the Hype! For good reason though, this is GREAT. Very Eurovision, very European in general, I love good party music.

4. CZECH REPUBLIC

My sister’s crown – Vesna

PLEASE PLEASE LET THEM BE GOOD LIVE. I can’t take another Austria 2022. This is SO good. I love it musically, I love the mix of languages, I might have a small crush on their rapper, please let them be good live. Please. I beg you. (I have a bad feeling, though. Especially the chorus just seems very hard to replicate life. I’ve seen the NF, I know.)

3. GERMANY

Blood & Glitter – Lord Of The Lost

I’m still so...in awe that we’re actually sending something good this year? Like, how did this happen? Who did we sacrifice for this? (Answer: Electric Callboy.) This kind of music just feels very German, even if they’re singing in English. My only critique is that I want him to growl more, but if their Eurovision stage is anything like their winners performance at the NF, I’m not worried.

2. AUSTRIA

Who The Hell Is Edgar? - Teya & Salena

No, seriously, who is Edgar? I only know Teya & Salena. This is such a bop – WITH a message, damn. Easily moved into my Top 5 immediately after it came out. Probably my most listened to song this last week. It’s REALLY addicting. What the hell, Österreich? Not both of us going through change right now, aww.

1. FINLAND

Cha Cha Cha – Käärijä

This song came out, I heard it once, and decided it’s my winner this year. Only Gladiator could have possibly challenged it, but we know how that went, so this is my undisputed first place. Please, juries and televote, do not rob our small king.

[zeitgeniesser]

Album Review: "In the Zone" – Britney Spears

More hoops less music

Ok sure, Britney Spears was famous in her own time. Like, she didn’t pull a van Gogh level posthumous glow up because she was top dog platinum bitch whatever whatever in 2003 already. But at the same time, she was on some premonitional shit, whipping up a crockpot of pop-cultural zeitgeist and setting the timer for 2020s era of accelerating societal neurosis. Ever been on the internet? Ever heard Justin Laboy or your 14 year old niece or your therapist drop a “Toxic” or twenty?  She literally coined the term. Not to say lots of good artists put their desires, longings, insecurities, possessiveness and flawed humanities on display… that’s kinda the point. But Britney gave us “Toxic” and for that I am grateful.

This is a story about toxic love, which we should all relate to, because it’s my belief we are all toxic. Which is just to say we are all flawed. Which is to say with a bit more nuance: we have conditioned often unhealthy patterns to receiving stress, or bad fuckin news, or things that make us feel less than we are or should be. We also have conditioned patterns to delivering affection, love and care that should probably come with a “side effects may include” warning. 

Here’s the twist, this love story is no romance. It’s an old coach, young player, bird taken under the wing, father-that-never was drama. Wrap it up however you want, there’s some male interiority to unpack here. Definitely parental vibes. This story is about Sacha, a bittersweet Croatian man with a stunning capacity for capriciousness, basketball, and fatherly showmanship. It’s about toxic love, strength, and the places we go when pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.

When I moved to Germany, I had a low-tempo gig teaching English and not a lot of social obligations. Desperately wanting some semblance of normalcy, embeddedness and a sense of “I really live here” I sought out adult mens amateur basketball leagues. Thinking to myself that I would have a great chill fun fun time just hooping with the boys on Tuesday and Thursday nights I found myself shortly enrolled in the all-expenses-included version of intense, uniformed, sporting culture I had wriggled away from when I quit the Evanston Baseball Team my sophomore year of high school.  

The Ludwigshafen Flyers thought of themselves as a semipro team and had the local newspaper clippings, home and away jersey sets, and way-too-fuckin-intense attitude to prove it. In short, they were a group of non-too-talented 30 somethings happy to sandwich sweaty, bearish basketball runs between smoke sessions on the stoop of the elementary school gymnasium and 32-ounce cans of Carlsberg wegbiers. These would wash away unanimously the tastes of victory, defeat, tobacco and a long days work. Such a weird thing, male intimacy. Such a need for touch and taste and acerbic grit-drawn motivation tactics and banter about penises and wives and girlfriends.

This was not my scene. Perhaps to my father’s unconscious chagrin – we all know he wishes he’d busted my balls a little harder when I was a young thing – I came to Germany a reedy, nerdy intermittently effeminate recent liberal arts college grad.  Which maybe sounds harsher on myself than I intend to be, because I think, there are many sides of the toughness coin and many proving grounds of our humanities. But the point is: you can imagine how these men saw me and it didn’t matter how many threes I hit, ok maybe it did a little, but still, it didn’t matter because they didn’t offer me a beer after my first practice or my 5th and we all know what that meant.

Mirnes is the reason I even made it that far. The way I tell it, Mirnes decided the moment he laid eyes on me that he was going to be my Bosnian big brother. He would regale me with stories of Sarajevo and eagerly await my reaction when he related his year spent fixing air conditioners in Boston. Whatever protective instinct I triggered in him I thank God for it, because Mirnes had a beard and a killer crossover and the respect of the other guys and I had none of these precious things, but I had Mirnes so I had a reason to keep showing up.

 When coach Sacha told me after the first practice that “I play like a little girl”, I felt awful, but I had Mirnes.

When Michael, hissed out the German way: Me-shy-elle, put me in the hospital with a cruel elbow hook, I had Mirnes. When the older guys wouldn't offer a beer, Mirnes would slip me one. When Sacha would yank and tear and literally scratch with his fingers and metaphorically bite with his words during practice Mirnes would keep passing me the ball.   And so this became the dynamic. Sacha would bully and goad and Mirnes would encourage. 

And this weird thing happened: I started to push back. One day, midway through the season I hit a gamewinning layup with Sacha clinging to my waist in a desperate bind. The team was ecstatic, I was ecstatic, Sacha was ecstatic. With the look of a beaming father he slapped my ass. “If you play like this from day one you would be a starter!” 

~~~~

In hindsight I see the strange family we formed crisply contoured. Sacha played the dad, proud of his eldest, Mirnes, and disappointed by his younger boy’s precarity of spirit. He drew from a toolbox of blunter parental motivation tactics, instructing discipline, grit and persistence by giving me something to really complain about. Had Mirnes not balanced the sauce, Sacha’s ambivalence towards my possible failure would have bled over. 

I have encountered attitudes like Sacha’s in only one other place: the restaurant industry. Those days are behind me as well, but now I am watching “The Bear”, a show about this strange world. It demonstrates the power of a domineering, masculine, get-it-right and do-it-faster ethos in molding self-respect and proficiency.  It also shows the pitfalls. The ugly callousness, the self doubting perfectionism, the bullying in the name of love.

On the last day of the season Sacha pounds my chest. “Now, you play like a man”.  I twisted my face, sheepish towards pride like I hadn't felt before.

[etherealvibespls]

till the stars fall out of the sky

Hi. It's been almost two years but I hope you enjoy this short + messy krii7y piece :)

--

The thing about it being the end of the world is how little time there is to prepare. No matter how many people seem ready with their canned foods and underground bunkers, or even the discarded pamphlets scattered throughout the streets filled with government advice as if, maybe, those in power had an idea of what was to come, no one is actually prepared for what they’re faced with; the end of everything.

And it’s terrifying.

Smitty had so many plans. A few weeks ago those plans held some dread, had his heart skipping at just the mere idea of change, and yet now his heart only aches.

In front of him the website mocks him. The screen is dim to preserve the little battery he has left in his laptop, but the floor plan of the apartment is still too bright, painting a pointless fantasy for his eyes to gaze longingly at.

He should have moved by now, but his fear kept him back. Rooted him in what he’s familiar with.

Now it’s too late.

A quiet ding snaps him out of his haze and the second his eyes settle on the notification the knot in his chest loosens, smoothed out by the person miles and miles away.

John (10:02): so it turns out the world really is ending

Smitty snorts. To his embarrassment, there’s already a smile stretching across his face.

Smitty (10:03): you’re just now realizing?

John (10:03): i mean can you blame me? how was i supposed to know all those youtube videos were real? but today i actually left the house for the first time in like, two weeks and it looks like i’m in hell

John (10:04): at first i thought i was dead because what the fuck, right? the sky is fucking red, but then i saw someone walking their dog as if it were normal so now i’m assuming this is what everyone’s been talking about

Smitty (10:04): have i ever told you i hate you

John (10:05): uh hello? what the fuck

Smitty (10:05): i’ve been stressed out of my fucking mind and you’ve been clueless this entire time?? go fuck yourself john. like actually take that dildo you thought i forgot about and fuck. off.

John (10:06): HELLO ? you said you’d never bring that up

Smitty (10:07): the world is ending dickhead. i’m allowed to embarrass you one last time

Smitty bites at the inside of his cheek, suppressing the urge to laugh as he waits for his friend’s response. It takes longer for John to reply this time but he’s probably writing a paragraph that makes absolutely no sense and only serves to insult Smitty whichever way he can.

After a quiet minute, John finally responds.

John (10:08): don’t say that

Smitty blinks, not expecting such a short reply.

Smitty (10:08): don’t say what?

Half of him is still expecting this to lead into a snarky remark and he prepares for John’s little ha-ha, got you, but by John’s next message, it’s clear he’s no longer joking.

In an instant, the mood has not only shifted into something serious, but into pure heartbreak as well.

John (10:09): “one last time”

John (10:09): it makes it sound like you’ve already lost hope

Smitty (10:09): john…there’s nothing left for us. they’ve done all they can but there’s no fixing something so completely destroyed, and at some point you just have to accept that it’s over

John (10:10): this isn’t the end

A pause.

John (10:10): i still haven’t met you yet

Smitty releases a long, shaky breath. He’s tried so hard to not think of the mistake he made those weeks ago, yet it seems like there’s always something to remind him of it.

It’s possible John isn’t even mentioning it now, but Smitty is so consumed by guilt that his mind wanders there regardless. The end of the world hanging over everyone’s head has only made it worse, dug it up again and shoved it into his every waking thought, constantly reminding him of what could’ve been.

Mocking the opportunity he ruined.

Smitty (10:12): i’m sorry. i should be there.

John (10:12): you don’t have to keep apologizing, smit. you had your reasons

Smitty shakes his head in disbelief at the message, biting down hard on his lip the moment his eyes begin to burn, blinking back unshed tears.

He hates how nice John is. How even as they face down their last days on earth there isn’t a part of him that’s angry, or at the very least, disappointed.

Smitty (10:13): my reasons were selfish and stupid and it’s because of them that we have to message each other as the world literally crumbles around us

John (10:14): being alone does suck, and it would’ve been nice to have some company, but i still don’t blame you

It probably isn’t supposed to come across as tragic as it does, but Smitty’s shoulders sag with grief anyway.

Briefly his eyes flick over to the corner of his laptop, locking onto the battery life. His heart twists painfully, constricting tight as it flashes, down to its remaining minutes of life.

John (10:16): you know...i still look at it sometimes

John (10:16): it probably sounds so lame but sometimes i imagine how it would’ve been. i’m not a morning person but i think you could’ve made me one, and you hate staying up late but i think i could’ve shown you why sometimes i never fall asleep

John (10:17): i even imagine how it would’ve been decorated. like, from the pictures you’ve sent me of your place it looks so plain and i think about all the trips we’d have to go on before we could agree on some simple shit just for the living room. but i wouldn’t want you to feel bad about your taste or anything so i’d probably let you pick out a bunch of things anyway

Smitty presses his face into his shoulder for just a moment, overcome by so many emotions. A part of him can guess where this is going and his chest nearly caves in at the thought, knows why it’s happening now, of all times.

Smitty (10:19): ... i look at it everyday, imagining the same

Smitty (10:19): i was looking at it before you messaged earlier...can you believe it’s still available? how has no one else wanted it?

John (10:20): because it was always meant to be ours

Ours.

His gaze drifts back to the floor plan still on the screen, and not for the last time, he yearns. He thinks even after everything is said and done, his longing will ripple through the endless void of space.

Thinks heartache as great as his can never die, instead linger like a mournful ghost that will haunt even the brightest stars.

Smitty (10:21): i’m sorry i ruined it

John (10:22): i’m sorry i didn’t try harder

Smitty (10:22): john, none of this is your fault. it was my idea and i couldn’t even go through with it

Smitty (10:23): we had so many plans and i shattered them all because i was too scared to leave

John (10:24): but i wanted it more than i ever admitted, and instead of fighting to get you here i didn’t say anything

Smitty (10:24): i wanted this to happen more than you think, believe me. but we know how my thoughts can get, so i don’t think there was anything you could’ve said that would’ve change my mind

John (10:25): what about i love you?

Smitty startles, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t expect this. His stomach still does a silly little swoop, the butterflies that are always present when he talks with John suddenly coming to life, fluttering rapidly.

Smitty (10:25): john?

John (10:26): if the world is going to end no matter what, then fuck it right? i’ve been keeping my mouth shut for over two years and even if now is probably the worst time because i can’t see your face and my laptop is about to die, i can’t go out without telling you i’ve been in love with you for half the time i’ve known you

John (10:27): and the time before that i really, really, really liked you

Smitty chokes on his tears, stopped caring about holding them back the second he saw i love you.

Smitty (10:27): me too

Smitty (10:27): i think i’ve been in love with you since you first messaged me that stupid one-liner about artists

John (10:28): oh god, i forgot that was the first thing i sent you

John (10:28): in my defense i was extremely bored and your page was filled with memes, i thought you would’ve enjoyed it

Smitty (10:29): i fucking loved it

John (10:30): i regretted it the moment you sent me a pic of yourself for the first time, though

Smitty (10:30): what? why?

John (10:31): because you were prettiest person i’d ever seen and i hated that the first message i sent you was about dicks

Smitty laughs, the sound croaky and awful and usually he’d be embarrassed about the noise but he sits alone in his living room, completely consumed by the messages and the guy sending them.

Smitty (10:32): who would’ve known that would be the way into my heart

John (10:32): after about a week of talking to you i knew

John (10:33): i think that’s when i started falling in love

Smitty (10:33) god, i hate that we’re saying this now. i wish both of us said something sooner

John (10:34): yeah...it would’ve been nice to finally hold you, but i’m happy you finally know

John (10:34): and no matter what happens from now till...the end, i want you to know i love you

John (10:35): i always have, and i always will

i love you-

The screen flickers once before it fades to black, the battery completely drained. Smitty’s fingers hover over the keyboard, his pinky so close to hitting ‘enter’.

It takes longer than it should to register in his brain, and for a few minutes Smitty sits and stares at the screen. He blinks rapidly through his tears, can still see i love you every time he blinks but his heart beats wildly, aware of the inky darkness surrounding him and the deafening silence, no longer interrupted by the quiet dings of messages.

Like a dam finally unleashed, his tears fall at once and a sob racks through his body, forcefully pushed out of his quivering mouth. With his legs curled to his chest and his face buried in his bony knees, he cries out in anguish, fingers clutching his sweatpants like a lifeline.

He doesn’t move, stays curled in the corner of his couch long enough to see the last bits of sunrise fall over his furniture, and stays even longer to hear the shouts of panic outside his front door, aware but uncaring, of everything ending around him.

--------

Based off the prompt: “So the sky is still raining fire and meteors, and my laptop is running low on battery, but I wanted to say that I like you, a lot. Even though we haven’t ever talked in real life, if this is the end of the world then I’m really happy that I got to meet you.”

[eleanorfenyxwrites]

After Each Midnight Begins A New Day

Extra #10 - pre-fic

[Masterpost]

Anelmemi over on Ao3 commented on chapter 4: “If you’re taking requests or prompts, the line about baby!Lan Zhan with all the intensity of first timeline 30 year old Lan Zhan is an image that stuck with me. The conversation where he tells his mom about everything would make for an interesting extra.”

So here it is! Disclaimer: I’ve gone in a sliiiightly different direction (in that this is 7k words long and they don’t even get to the part where Lan Zhan tells her everything) BUT - that being said - I think I’m going to use this prompt as the first chapter/installment of a selection of scenes from the Wangxian side of the fix-it. Like you know how I said I wrote AEM as a ‘sequel’ to a fix-it fic that doesn’t exist? I’m gonna make the fix-it fic exist, at least in bits and pieces. I guess I already have kind of been doing that with the amount of pre-fic extras I’ve written for this universe, but none of them have been from the Wangxian side of things where the actual fix-it mechanics are happening. Might be time to change that. We’ll see! Either way, here’s some baby-not-actually-baby!Lan Zhan scaring the living hell out of his mom for you <3

----

Lan Zhan opens his eyes with a gasp, the blindingly blue flash of his and Wei Ying’s array gone as suddenly as it had flared. He’s in the dark now, kneeling in the middle of the floor of a room that is definitely not the addition to the Jingshi he had built to be Wei Ying’s workroom. It takes a long moment for his eyes to adjust but when they do he blinks and forces himself to take slow, deep breaths in and out.

He has to stay calm. 

They hadn’t been sure if the array would work, or, if it did, exactly what they would be in for. 

Getting separated was, unfortunately, a distinct possibility. 

It is now his reality. 

He has to focus on what he can control or risk sinking into a despair too deep for him to accomplish the task he and Wei Ying have set for themselves, and he will not break a promise to Wei Ying. They have agreed to try again - he will have to try, and trust that he and Wei Ying will not truly have to be separated again in any life. 

Lan Zhan stands slowly to take stock of the situation and immediately becomes disoriented when he rises to his feet only to find that everything is in nearly the same spot in his vision it had been while on his knees. He glances down at himself and holds a hand up in the moonlight and…

Ah. Childhood. 

That’s...less than ideal. 

Of course while writing the array they hadn’t specified a specific time or age to return to (beyond limiting it to their own lifetimes). To be quite honest Lan Zhan hadn’t entirely been able to follow Wei Ying’s logic for most of the components of the array, but he trusted his husband to ensure it wouldn’t kill them or others. Beyond that, their only desire had been a chance to retain their memories and use the wisdom of their years to heal all the rifts they possibly could in their world, to attempt to soothe the pains that they and everyone they love (who is still alive) have all had to learn to live with.

He’s grateful that it worked.

That being said, he doesn’t particularly want to be a child again. He’s awfully short, after all - and Wei Ying isn’t here, which is perhaps the worst offense. 

He reaches up to touch his cheek as he feels something drip down it and his small fingers come away wet with tears; he suppresses a sigh as he tries not to continue crying. It would seem that a toddler’s body is a bit too small and immature to hold the weight of the grief he carries with him in the depths of his soul, and he can already tell by the feeling rising in his chest that trying to contain it will be useless. He dusts his knees off as more tears start to drip down his cheeks and then he turns to walk sedately across the room to his little bed. He crawls into it, buries his face in his pillow, and promptly starts sobbing, the way he hasn’t since the first time he was this age.

When A-Yuan had still been a toddler, there had been some (many) who accused Lan Zhan of being too soft on the boy. He had been prone to crying if left to his own devices for too long, and after the third time he heard of it happening while A-Yuan was supposedly in the care of those who watched the rest of the sect children, Lan Zhan had insisted that the boy remain with him in his seclusion if Lan Xichen needed to be relieved from watching him to attend to business. It meant that A-Yuan had grown up with less socialization amongst his peers as a young boy, but his nature was such that the lack could hardly be seen by the time he had grown out of his fears of separation to join the other children in their classes.

It had also meant that when A-Yuan cried, he was never without a comforting hand in his hair or on his back, soothing him, reminding him that he was not alone, that he would never be left alone again. If his son was spoiled then so be it, but Lan Zhan would not allow his and Wei Ying’s child to grow up bowed under the cold austerity of a rule warning against excessive grief taken to its most extreme interpretation and weaponized against the grief-stricken. Lan Zhan is intimately aware of the products of that rule, and it’s one he refused to enforce - a decision he has never regretted.

Tonight, however, there’s no one to do the same for Lan Zhan. No one is here to pet his hair or talk softly to him about how the rabbits are doing, or tell him a story of the sort he used to tell A-Yuan to distract him. Lan Zhan, unlike his son, is used to it, and so he cries until his head hurts and then he bundles himself up in the tightest ball of blankets he can manage to try to sleep and wait for morning. It’s strange, trying to sleep without Wei Ying crowded into his space, breathing steadily against his neck and muttering under his breath in between soft snores. He eventually manages it when the moon slips behind the mountain again and the room is plunged into the soft almost-black blue of false dawn. In the gentle hum of the world dipping into its deepest hush outside his window he manages to let his exhaustion take over long enough to get a couple more hours of rest.

Lan Zhan wakes at five.

The gong rings through the mountain in exactly the way it always has and he opens his itchy, tired eyes to begin dressing and preparing for the day. His hands are clumsier than they ought to be, his grip weaker than he can ever remember it being and his limbs slightly less cooperative than he would prefer. He manages not to get too frustrated by the dissonance of it, though by the time Lan Xichen comes to fetch him he’s wearing a truly impressive pout (for him) and he watches, disgruntled, as his brother stifles a laugh behind his sleeve.

“Good morning didi,” Lan Xichen greets when he’s done silently laughing at him and Lan Zhan watches in fascination as his brother - still just a child himself, of course - glances both ways up and down the hallway with a mischievous little smile before dropping to one knee and holding his arms out to him. “You look like you had a bad night. Do you want a hug?”

Lan Zhan’s pouting lower lip trembles as he nods and steps forward slowly to tuck himself into Lan Xichen’s chest.

He honestly can’t remember the last time someone besides Wei Ying hugged him (he supposes it must have been A-Yuan, back before he had grown too old to ask for them anymore), but as Lan Xichen wraps him in his arms it feels so entirely natural that he practically melts, going boneless and rubbing his face into the heavy silk on Lan Xichen’s narrow shoulder like a cat seeking affection. Lan Xichen huffs a soft chuckle and squeezes him a little tighter; Lan Zhan wouldn’t be perfectly happy staying like this forever (he misses Wei Ying, and this isn’t helping them find each other again), but he would be perfectly content to stay there for a few days at least, just being held and cared for by his brother while he’s still small enough to reasonably get away with it.

Of course the list of people that Lan Zhan would tolerate such affection from - at any age - is extremely small, limited only to his immediate family - Wei Ying, A-Yuan, Lan Xichen, Lan Qiren (should he ever be the type to offer it). But as Lan Xichen releases him and reaches down to take his hand, as he leads him out of the children’s dormitories and onto the path outside, Lan Zhan realizes that there’s one person he hadn’t even considered as an option but who, especially in his current state, certainly tops the list.

“Mother,” he whispers with tears in his eyes as Madam Lan stands in the open door to the Jingshi, the familiar home still hers.

“Didi?” Lan Xichen asks, startled, as Lan Zhan pulls his hand from his but he doesn’t stop to answer - instead he runs across the courtyard as quickly as his legs can carry him and up the steps to fling himself into his mother’s arms. He likes to imagine that if he were physically the correct age he would be more composed, but he can’t say with complete certainty that that would be the case. His mother has always been special like that. She was the first to ever make him believe that he could be loved and accepted if he revealed the true depth of his feelings - no one else had been able to make him feel that way after her death until Wei Ying.

As it is, though, as young as he is - with all the tumultuous, too-large feelings of childhood despite the age of his soul - he promptly starts crying as he clings to her. Her hands are soft and gentle as she pets his hair and rubs his back precisely as he had done for A-Yuan as a boy, and Lan Zhan hiccups as he presses in closer.

“Zhan-er,” she says warmly above his head and all it does is make him cry a little harder, the tenderness of the greeting and the fact that he hasn’t heard it from a single soul in 32 years hitting him too hard for his little body to handle. “Oh dear,” she says next and he can hear her smiling, he can feel the way she’s suppressing a laugh in the slight shaking of her shoulder under his cheek and he clings. 

“I think he had a nightmare last night,” Lan Xichen supplies apologetically as he approaches at the properly sedate pace.

“A good thing it’s your day to come visit, then,” she replies softly, implacably, and Lan Zhan nods his agreement as he hiccups and tries to compose himself with little success. “Come in, Huan-er, I’ve got breakfast for us. Let’s see if we can cheer your brother up together, hm?”

Lan Zhan’s stomach swoops as he’s scooped up while Madam Lan stands and he lets himself be carried into the house. He finally manages to get himself somewhat under control after a while of sitting in his mother’s lap and letting her dry his cheeks with her sleeves, but he’s still hiccuping and crying fresh tears every now and then.

He can’t help but stare. It’s been so long since he’s seen her face, and she’s just as beautiful as he remembers, maybe even more so. She’s serene and gentle in a way he really never sees in anyone but perhaps Lan Xichen. Even A-Yuan, as sweet as he is, still carries the mischievous streak planted in him by Wei Wuxian and encouraged by a lifetime of friendship with Lan Jingyi. Whatever she’s done in the past, no matter what anyone else thinks of the incident that had led to her imprisonment, the woman she is now is so kind, so tender, that Lan Zhan has never once in his life understood the continuation of her imprisonment for so many years. 

He watches with wide, solemn eyes as she steadily wipes his cheeks clean when fresh tears replace those that have already fallen, a perpetual little smile on her lips as she talks to Lan Xichen over his head to make sure they both get as much of her attention as they can in their limited time with her.

He eventually manages to stop crying entirely and he’s promptly plied with a bowl of rice for breakfast, which he obediently eats, his eyes still on Madam Lan. He doesn’t want to ever stop looking at her. He had never gotten to say a proper goodbye, had never gotten the closure he needed after her death (not that closure would have helped, most likely. If he’s proven anything to himself it’s that the death of those he loves is not something he handles all that well.)

The point is - his mother was ripped away from him with no warning, and now she’s been returned to him and he will never in this new life take her presence for granted.

As the day goes on and he settles, he can’t shake a feeling of deja vu. It isn’t until they’re nearly ready to leave for the evening that it strikes him.

This is their last day with her. He knows this day, when he had been younger he had replayed the events of it over and over in his mind, searching for something in his behavior that had upset Madam Lan to the point where she didn’t want to see him again. Before he had understood that she had died he had been so sure that it was his fault the door wouldn’t open anymore, that she was inside languishing in disappointment in her youngest son.

And so when Lan Xichen makes as if to bundle him off into the evening just after supper, Lan Zhan takes a page from A-Yuan’s book and sits down to lock his arms around her leg, every ounce of his considerable determination set in stern lines in his serious little face. 

“Didi, we have to leave,” Lan Xichen prods - gently - as he kneels in front of him.

“No,” he protests, his voice petulant but he doesn’t care. He’s not letting her go. He’s here to fix things on a much larger scale than anyone around him can yet understand, but he’s going to begin with their mother. They will get to grow up with a mother this time, and a father too if he has anything to say about it. He can fix things for their family first and let the effect spread outwards from Cloud Recesses. A stone dropped into the center of a pool will create ripples that reach all the way to the edges, and if he begins with Madam Lan’s survival and perhaps her return to the world from her isolation, there’s no telling just yet how far such an influence will spread.

Even if it goes no further than their little family, he doesn’t care. He can fix this, so he will.

“A-Zhan,” Lan Xichen tries next, reaching out to tug gently on his sleeve and he holds on tighter, buries his face in the skirts of Madam Lan’s robes.

“No!”

“It’s alright, Huan-er,” Madam Lan soothes as she drops a hand down to rest on top of his head. “Go on ahead, I’ll make sure Zhan-er gets returned to his rooms in time for curfew.”

Lan Zhan turns his head enough to open one eye so he can watch Lan Xichen have a bit of an internal debate before he nods and straightens up to accept one last hug before he turns to leave. The pair of them, Madam Lan and Lan Zhan, stay still and watch him until he disappears down the path and only then does Madam Lan bend down to put her hands under his arms and lift him up onto her hip. She offers him an indulgent look as she leans in to press their foreheads together and he relaxes instantly.

“Zhan-er, what’s gotten into you today, hm?” she asks softly as she shuts the door with her foot to carry him back inside, sitting down on the edge of her bed to set him down on her knees. It should feel strange, he supposes, to be treated like a child like this, picked up and carried around wherever someone else wants to take him. But he’s never known anything else in regards to his mother, he’s never gotten a chance to both be older than a toddler and to know her. In his memories, this is how he remembers her, and so it doesn’t feel strange at all to sit in her lap and study her face like he’s doing his best to memorize it.

“What’s wrong, Zhan-er?” she asks again, even more softly, as she brushes a few stray hairs back from his forehead and runs her thumb along the silk of his ribbon - it must be brand new for him at this age.

“You are going to die,” he says, deciding then and there that he doesn’t have the luxury of trying to find a way to fix things on his own while trying to hide that he’s really a fully-grown man with a husband and child of his own, that he carries a full life’s worth of pain and experiences. He and Wei Ying had agreed that no matter what happened with the array they wouldn’t tell anyone what they had done - it would defeat the purpose of fixing things, and there was also no guarantee that it wouldn’t do harm. In any other circumstance he would agree it’s better to be safe than sorry, but he’s so young - there’s not much he can do but talk to Madam Lan directly and allow her to handle the situation in his stead - or at least help him - without blowing his cover.

Madam Lan blinks down at him for a moment, a small furrow between her brows. How had he never noticed as a child that she doesn’t wear a headband?

“Who told you such a silly thing?” she asks with a hint of a smile and a little tap of her fingertip against the tip of his nose. “Is that what your nightmare was last night?”

“Mother,” he says as seriously as he can manage. (It’s very difficult to sound grave, he realizes, when he’s a literal 5-year-old [he even still has a bit of a childish lisp] but he needs her to understand.) “I have lived this before. This is the last day you will see Xiongzhang and myself. You are going to die. No one has ever told me how.”

Madam Lan blanches at that, though whether it’s because of what he said or because her 5-year-old son is speaking like an adult or a combination of both he isn’t sure.

“Zhan-er, what...what are you talking about?”

He takes a deep breath in and clambers down off her lap to straighten his robes and dust himself off before he offers her a deep bow. 

“Mother, please listen to me and trust what I say. I am your son, Lan Zhan, Lan Wangji, Hanguang-Jun, current Chief Cultivator. I have already lived this life, and have returned to my childhood through the power of an experimental array I created with my husband, Wei Ying, Wei Wuxian of Yunmeng Jiang.”

“Zhan-er,” Madam Lan gasps and he looks up to find her definitely far too pale as he blinks owlishly up at her.

“If I leave tonight without warning you of danger, I fear this will once again be my last memory of you.”

The fear in her eyes makes him feel a bit like squirming with guilt for putting it there, but he holds himself still, watching for a sign that she believes him, that she’s taking him seriously. He knows what he must look like - if A-Yuan had ever suddenly started behaving like he is now he would have been very concerned that he had been possessed. Judging by the look on Madam Lan’s face, it’s entirely possible that that’s exactly what’s on her mind.

“Mother, please, you must believe me. Wei Ying and I wish to right the wrongs done to those around us, to live with no regrets. We have made many painful choices in our lives, as have all of those we care for. We have decided to attempt the impossible and rewrite the past.”

“You..But you....”

Lan Zhan stays still and watches as Madam Lan clearly tries to piece things together. He’s dismayed - though not entirely surprised - when she faints backwards onto the bed, but he supposes it’s better than if she had outright tried to say that he couldn’t possibly be telling the truth. He climbs up onto the bed to sit beside her and make sure she’s otherwise alright before he settles down to wait patiently for her to wake.

It doesn’t take too long, thankfully, and he can’t help but reach out to put the back of one small hand against her forehead to check her temperature when she blinks her eyes open.

“Do you feel alright?” he asks as he watches her face go through a series of interesting emotions in quick succession.

She sits up slowly to look down at him with an expression that seems to have settled on something like incredulity and bemusement. “I think you must see why that question is not easily answered at the moment.”

“Mn. It is a strange situation, I understand,” he agrees solemnly with a nod. Madam Lan raises her sleeve to cover her mouth as she bites back a laugh, the corners of her eyes crinkled with mirth.

“Oh Zhan-er,” she says - and then she’s laughing, truly laughing, one hand over her mouth and the other arm curled around her stomach as she laughs in a way that sounds just this side of manic. Years of being married to Wei Ying and he still doesn’t understand how to handle people who deal with their stress by laughing about it.

“Mother?”

“Oh dear, Zhan-er I’m sorry,” she laughs weakly as she wipes at her eyes. “This is just..Well as you said, this is very strange. And you’ve always been a serious child but this is..I’ve never seen a child behave this way!”

“I am 37.”

“Oh dear. Much too old for hugs, then,” she says with a twinkle in her eyes and Lan Zhan has to think about it for a long, dismayed moment before he realizes he’s being teased. He shakes his head ‘no’ and lets her pull him into her arms again to cradle him close, one arm wrapped around his back and the other over his bent knees to hold him in place. “37, hm?” she asks once they’re settled and Lan Zhan nods. “And married?”

“Yes, mother. I also have a son. He is 24.”

“My own baby, married and with a child, hm? And you said Chief Cultivator?”

“Mn. I do not enjoy such a public position but it is necessary.”

Madam Lan laughs at that, though it’s thankfully less frightening than her laughter at the situation as a whole had been. “I have never heard of such a thing but I can only imagine such a position involves quite a lot of talking to other Sect Leaders, which sounds very unpleasant.”

“Mn.”

They’re both quiet for a few long moments, lost in thought. Lan Zhan is only grateful that Madam Lan seems to believe him, and when she breaks the silence again it becomes clear that that is actually the case.

“You said I am going to die soon,” she murmurs and Lan Zhan can’t resist cuddling closer as the pain of losing her flares too hot, too sharp through him.

“I remember this day,” he replies after a few deep breaths and a chance to gather his thoughts. “It is the last day we were allowed to visit. I do not know when, precisely, you passed away, but by the next appointment we were no longer allowed to visit, and...when I came to kneel anyway every month after, your door never opened for me.”

“And you are telling me all of this now to prevent it happening again.”

“Mm. Wei Ying and I performed the spell last night, I am still becoming accustomed to being a child again. I apologize for my outbursts, it is..difficult to control my emotions while so young.”

“Zhan-er, you never have to apologize to me for your feelings,” Madam Lan chastises gently. “No matter your age. I have never wanted you and Huan-er to be raised so..rigidly.”

“Who is keeping you imprisoned?” Lan Zhan asks softly - a question that’s been on his mind since he had been this age originally, and which no one has ever sufficiently answered for him. “Xiongzhang and I always wished we could be raised by you.”

Madam Lan sighs heavily at that and holds him a little tighter. “Qiren is so strict with you two,” she murmurs thoughtfully. “I’ve tried telling your father that you two are growing up to be so serious, so unhappy, but he won’t hear of it. He’s technically the one keeping me here, though I suspect it’s the clan elders speaking through him.”

Lan Zhan can’t help but glare at the wall when the elders are mentioned. The only other person in the world he wishes to argue with as much as he does the elders is Jiang Wanyin.

“I will fix it,” he vows with grim determination.

“Zhan-er,” Madam Lan instantly chastises and he shakes his head, already intent on arguing whatever point she feels needs to be made.

“I will not lose my mother again. The elders have gone too long without challenge. There are many many good things about the Lan that do not need to change, but there are a great many traditions that have become harmful in their execution at least, if not in nature or original intent. I will fix it.”

“You deserve to have a childhood,” Madam Lan argues right back, equally adamant. “It is your father’s duty to lead the Sect, the elders only advise.”

“Uncle is the acting leader of the Sect,” Lan Zhan retorts with a deepening of his frown, this time in confusion. He leans back to look up at Madam Lan, who’s blinking down at him in something like surprise, if a bit muted. “Father is in seclusion, he never again ran the Sect before his death during my boyhood.”

Lan Zhan stays quiet as he watches Madam Lan think through that, wondering just what exactly she’s thinking. Perhaps comparing what she thought she knew to this new information? 

It seems that may be the case when she quietly murmurs,“Well that..that does change a few things,” after a long while, her eyes distant. “Maybe we should compromise. You can tell me what you know, and perhaps what you plan to do in regards to the elders, and I will do my best to listen and perhaps together we can come up with something that will work. Does that sound alright?”

Compromise. Lan Zhan hates compromise, has hated it with a passion since the day he watched the Sect Leaders of his youth decide that ‘compromise’ meant ‘kill Wei Wuxian’, and he definitely hasn’t grown any fonder of it since it’s become his turn to ‘compromise’ with many of those same Sect Leaders on a near daily basis as the Chief Cultivator. But these are, he will admit, wildly different circumstances, and for a much better purpose than yet another boundary dispute or arguing over who should receive more disciples from the local families.

He nods and opens his mouth to begin the story at the beginning - and yawns so widely his jaw gives a tiny little pop.

“Oh dear,” Madam Lan chuckles as she snuggles him tighter and rocks him slightly back and forth. It’s shocking how heavy his eyelids feel all of the sudden as she does so and he huffs a sigh with an accompanying pout, irritated with his young body that apparently tires far too quickly. “I believe our plan shall have to wait until morning. You’ve had a long day.”

“Being a child is frustrating,” he confesses and Madam Lan laughs her bright, bell-like laugh - hearing it has always been one of his most treasured memories and to hear it now again in the flesh makes him so happy his irritation with his youthful limitations dissipates in an instant.

“I would imagine so. What an interesting puzzle you are, my Zhan-er,” she sighs as she continues rocking him gently, the repetitive swaying motion dragging his eyelids further and further down despite his best attempts to stay awake. “Such an old soul in the body of a child. So wise and self-assured like an adult, and yet quick to fluster, quick to cry, just like a child. I can only imagine how frustrated you must be.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan manages to hum even as he slips further down into her lap to rest his head in the crook of her elbow, getting comfortable.

“Go to sleep, Zhan-er. We’ll figure this out in the morning, alright? You’re not going to lose me again, I’m here.”

Lan Zhan drifts off to sleep in his mother’s arms for the first time in his life that he can remember, and it’s mercifully deep and dreamless.

----

When Lan Zhan wakes in the morning it’s with a gasp and the vague fear that his mother has, despite his best intentions, died inexplicably once again in the middle of the night. He sits up quickly and looks around the Jingshi just as the gong tolls and he only relaxes when he realizes that she had made him a little nest of blankets to rest in on the outer edge of the bed while she had taken the inside beneath the window.

He clambers down out of bed to go about getting ready for the day. He locates his ribbon where Madam Lan had removed it for him and carefully coiled it into a neat loop; he’s moments away from putting it on before he sets it down again to wait. Wei Ying likes to put it on for him these days - or rather, he supposes, in the future (this is going to give him a headache) - and while Wei Ying can’t do it for him right now, he feels it would be equally as special to ask his mother to help him with it instead.

He explores the Jingshi, acquainting himself with how Madam Lan organizes the familiar space. He finds basic food stored near the small hearth the house had contained before he had modified it himself to accommodate cooking for A-Yuan as a boy, and he takes a moment to set out what they’ll need for breakfast before he withdraws again to meditate. Perhaps, he supposes, if he can center himself and calm his energy he’ll be able to avoid further emotional outbursts. If he’s going to tell his mother all the details of his first life while so emotionally volatile, it’s going to be a very long day indeed. He’ll appreciate beginning it more at peace than he had begun the day before.

He settles into the familiar pattern of breathing and being, just..existing, doing his best to feel and let go, to accept that this is his reality now. He’s starting his life over. He can try again. He can not only avert the broad tragedies that had affected the world at large, he can also repair his own life.

The most obvious personal change will be that he can openly love Wei Ying from the moment they see each other again. He can live an entire lifetime with his beloved at his side, his other half, the bright sun to his distant moon.

Perhaps less obvious of a consequence but one that he suddenly realizes he wants just as badly - he can be closer to his family. Raising A-Yuan had taught him much about the sort of family he wanted to have. The closeness, the affection, the warmth present in their home even when he had been outwardly as cool and aloof as ever. He had never let A-Yuan believe for a moment that he wasn’t adored, he had taught him how to see Lan Zhan’s love for him, had taught him that it was boundless, had taught him to turn that love outwards in a way that Lan Zhan had never been allowed to. He had raised their son to be sweet and kind to everyone he met, Wei Ying had taught him to smile and laugh and to understand so he could forgive.

He can do that again, but this time he’ll start with the members of his family he had been too late to understand the first time. He can help guide Lan Xichen through the confusing mires of childhood, attempt to create an even closer relationship between them than in their first life - a relationship in which they’re free to just be brothers and Lan Xichen doesn’t have the weight of being his Sect Leader on his shoulders as well. He can ensure that they get to grow up with a mother to guide them, her gentle affection thawing the cold austerity the Lan push their children into. He can save Father, he can keep Uncle from becoming bitter and overly rigid in his ways. There’s so much time stretching out ahead of them, he’s sure he can repair their fractured little family and help nurture it into something beautiful.

“Zhan-er?” Madam Lan calls some time later and Lan Zhan opens his eyes to find her already ready for the day with his ribbon in her hands, her expression a question.

“My hands are still clumsy with childhood,” he replies solemnly, looking up at her with wide eyes. “Will you tie it for me?”

“Of course,” she agrees with a faint hint of a smile. “May I assume you’re still an adult in there?” she teases gently as she knees behind him to start threading the ribbon through his simple hairstyle and tie it securely.

“Mn. I am making plans.”

“I can’t wait to hear them.”

Lan Zhan hums his acknowledgement just as she finishes tying his ribbon and he can’t help but relax when she puts her hands on his shoulders to smooth out the fabric of his little robes and sweep his hair properly behind his neck. They’re interrupted by a sudden knock at the door and Lan Zhan frowns, though Madam Lan doesn’t seem surprised at all. Rather she stands and crosses the house with graceful steps and after a moment Lan Zhan stands to drift after her silently.

“Lan Qiren,” she greets with ice in her voice as soon as the door opens and Lan Zhan blinks in surprise. Uncle? He had always thought that Lan Qiren never approached the Jingshi while it was still Madam Lan’s residence - he and Lan Xichen had been making the journey to it from the dormitories unaccompanied since the visits began, and he supposes now that he had just..never bothered to wonder who else came to see Madam Lan besides them and the servants who tended to her. She doesn’t sound surprised, though, to have Lan Qiren on her doorstep, so it must not have been entirely outside the realm of possibility.

“Wen Yun.”

Wen Yun? Wen?

Lan Zhan feels like he just got hit with a hammer between the eyes.

He had never known his mother’s name. Perhaps most people would find that strange, but Lan Zhan had never truly questioned it (beyond wishing that he did know it). She was a criminal in the eyes of the Lan Sect after all; certainly no one had ever thought to tell him her given name when he had been a child, and by the time he was old enough to know he hadn’t known who or how to ask. She wasn’t even in the clan records - or in the ancestral shrine - as anything but Madam Lan, reduced to nothing more than her married title that she hadn’t even wanted. The disrespect of it still rankles him to this day. But..

Wen Yun. She’s a Wen. He is a Wen, certainly by blood if never knowingly by name. That’s..an interesting thing to process. Even more interesting that Lan Qiren has known, all this time, and had never breathed a word of it to anyone that Lan Zhan was aware of, even before the Wens’ destruction during the Sunshot Campaign. He hadn’t expected to be quite so caught off guard by anything he could learn by returning to his childhood, considering he had already lived it once, but clearly he’s going to need to rethink that very quickly.

“Wangji.” Lan Qiren’s voice is sharp, remonstrative, and Lan Zhan instantly focuses on the present again. He can’t, under any circumstances, let Lan Qiren know that he is who he is, but he also can’t help but feel an all-too-familiar surge of (perhaps slightly petty) rebellion in his chest at that tone of voice, at being scolded like the young child he outwardly appears to be. He looks up at Lan Qiren impassively, his face solemn, as he holds his hand up for Madam Lan to take. As he is intimately aware, there’s no time like the present to begin changing things for the better.

Madam Lan slips her hand into his instantly, giving his fingers a little squeeze, and Lan Zhan sets his jaw stubbornly. He’s got an ally in her, and he’s nearly forty years old. He can face down Lan Qiren, he’s done it plenty of times already for what he thinks is right.

“Wangji, let go. Your time to visit your mother is long over.”

Lan Zhan watches Lan Qiren’s anger with a detached sort of interest, tipping his head slightly to the side and shuffling closer to Madam Lan’s skirts as if to hide in them, though of course he isn’t in the least afraid.

“Staying,” he announces with all the gravity he can muster. He really wishes in that moment that he could sound at least somewhat closer to his actual age rather than having to do his best with the sweet, high voice of childhood, but oh well. It still clearly startles Lan Qiren, that he would talk back, and Lan Wangji meets his gaze evenly.

“Wangji!”

“I will be raising my son from now on,” Madam Lan suddenly declares. “Huan-er as well, if he wants me to.”

Lan Qiren splutters in a way that Lan Zhan finds...kind of funny, actually. He’s only ever known Lan Qiren as stoic (with a small range of other emotions couched within that stoicism) or angry, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen him so...gobsmacked.

“You - the elders -“

“Oh, I didn’t realize the elders had taken over raising them,” Madam Lan replies with ‘innocent’ curiosity. “I was under the impression that they were still your responsibility, Qiren, and that concerns about their upbringing should be brought to your feet.”

Lan Qiren huffs out a frustrated sigh and Lan Zhan tips his head to the other side as he watches, able to study Lan Qiren with all the experience of a full life spent as his ward.

He knows, of course, that Lan Qiren loves him and Lan Xichen as if they’re his own children, and that that affection started when they were handed off to him as mere infants, just old enough to leave the wet nurses. By this point in time, Lan Qiren has had five years to raise Lan Wangji and eight for Lan Xichen - that affection for them is clearly already firmly in place. After all, it’s Lan Qiren who had held them when they were too young to walk on their own yet, who had rocked them to sleep and taught them their first lessons - how to talk, how to eat, how to read, how to count.

But Lan Zhan also knows that Lan Qiren is already a much stricter hand than they really need. He’s spent a lot of time meditating on the peculiarities Lan Qiren had possessed as a parental figure, and while he still can’t conclusively point to the root of his behaviors, he already knows how it will end if allowed to continue - with Lan Zhan himself cold and rigid but for a small handful of people whom he still struggles to show outward affection towards, and with Lan Xichen pouring kindness and gentleness out onto others to soften the blows of the world until he’s left with none to offer himself. 

Lan Zhan knows Lan Qiren loves them, but he also knows that that love could be shown in much healthier ways if they’re all allowed to recover. 

“The elders won’t ever allow this,” Lan Qiren finally snaps, his eyes flickering briefly down to Lan Zhan and then back up to Madam Lan. “And I won’t plead your case.”

“Oh,” she says idly. “Well that’s a shame, then, I would have appreciated the support.” Lan Zhan looks up as his mother looks down at him and he can’t help but feel safe as she offers him a quick wink, out of Lan Qiren’s view. “I guess Zhan-er and I will have to make our case to the elders ourselves.” 

Lan Zhan nods once at that and squeezes her hand to let her know it’s alright with him and Ford into his plans.

“Wangji?” Lan Qiren prompts and Lan Zhan looks up at him, reads the fear behind the indignation, the hurt feelings behind his censure. But with the foresight that Lan Zhan has, he trusts that if they change this, if they give his mother a reason to live again, that everyone in their family will be better for it. Happier. 

A little pain is necessary for growth and change - an old tree must fall to allow the new to grow, the winter snows have to come and melt away again to refresh and awaken the world properly in the spring.

Lan Zhan lets go of Madam Lan’s hand to step forward and wrap his arms around Lan Qiren’s leg, holding onto him tightly and hugging him with all the strength and affection he can muster for the man for a long moment - a goodbye to the man who had raised him, who will soon become a different man than Lan Zhan knows - before he lets go again to take his mother’s hand and lead her back into the Jingshi.

She shuts the door gently with Lan Qiren standing shocked on the other side of it.

They have plans to make, and time is of the essence. 

[theweasleysredhair]

~4.6k Follower Event!~

so i was supposed to do an event for hitting 4k (and 3k... and 2k... and 1k now i’m thinking about it) followers and then life got in the way and now i’m somehow at 4.6k! honestly it’s so crazy, i can’t believe it and don’t really know how it happened!

thank you to all my followers, i know a lot of you have been here since the beginning back in 2016 and stuck with me through my year hiatus! 

for the event, basically i’ve got some prompts and i want you guys to send some requests in! i’m very much looking forward to writing some more drabbles so please please send em all in!

THIS EVENT IS CLOSED NOW!! <3

rules:

1. please specify a hp character (I’m limiting the characters for this event as I have a lot more motivation to write for the following I’m sorry!):

James Potter

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Draco Malfoy

Fred Weasley

George Weasley

2. maximum three prompts per request

3. PLEASE PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH SECTION YOUR CHOSEN PROMPT COMES FROM! I HAVE 3 SECTIONS (Angst, Fluff and Smut) EACH WITH 50 PROMPTS, thank you !

prompts under the cut!

- -

Angst:

1. “Do you even still love me?”

2. “Can you shut up for once in your life?”

3. “I told you not to fall in love with me.”

4. “How is this my fault?”

5. “You aren’t the boss of me!”

6. “Do that again and you’ll regret it.”

7. “Don’t leave me!”

8. “I can’t pretend anymore.”

9. “You lied to me.”

10. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

11. “Get the hell out!”

12. “I thought you were dead!”

13. “Don’t you dare walk out that door!”

14. “Why aren’t you with him/her?”

15. “There was never an ‘us’.”

16. “Do you really think I’m happy?”

17. “I don’t want your apology.”

18. “Stop pretending like everything is fine.”

19. “I’m begging you. Please.”

20. “What the hell were you thinking?!”

21. “Bite me.” “Where?”

22. “I didn’t believe you cared.”

23. “You’re jealous.”

24. “Hmm. So you do have feelings.”

25. “You may be attractive, but I’m not sleeping with you.”

26. “The bed is cold without you.”

27. “When did you stop loving me?”

28. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

29. “How do I make you love me again?”

30. “Who the hell do you think you are?” “Well-�� “That was rhetorical.”

31. “Shouldn’t you be with him/her?”

32. “I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you.”

33. “Don’t lie to me.”

34. “Forget it, you’re a fucking arsehole.”

35. “They didn’t deserve you.”

36. “I never meant to fall in love with you, I just did.”

37. “Did you at least think of me, when you were having sex with her?”

38. “My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.”

39. “Oh go sit on a cactus!”

40. “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

41. “Do you honestly think I’m stupid?”

42. “We can’t keep doing this!”

43. “Please tell me this isn’t what it looks like.”

44. “How could you?”

45. “Shit, is that blood?”

46. “Are you kidding me?”

47. “I think we need a break.”

48. “I’m sorry.”

49. “Are you even listening?”

50. “Just leave me alone.”

--

Fluff:

1. “Is there a reason you’re blushing like that?”

2. “Are we on a date right now?”

3. “I think I’m in love with you.”

4. “Are you flirting with me?” “You finally noticed?”

5. “I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re beautiful.”

6. “Kiss me again.”

7. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone this much before.”

8. “Marry me.”

9. “It’s freezing, come here!”

10. “Because I love you.”

11. “Is that... my shirt?”

12. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

13. “Take my bed tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

14. “I could kiss you right now!”

15. “I love you, but stop talking.”

16. “You’re cute when you’re half asleep.”

17. “You should sleep in my bed more often.”

18. “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

19. “You look like you could use a hug.”

20. “Have you always been this beautiful?”

21. “Apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together.”

22. “I know you said you didn’t want to be late, but you look amazing, and I’m trying not to kiss you senseless right now.”

23. “I know I’ve kissed you like, ten times, but just like another ten, please.”

24. “I saw that, you just checked me out!”

25. “Oh wow, holy crap, wow you are so pretty!”

26. “You want a baby?”

27. “Can you please... hmmm, I don’t know, maybe put a shirt on?”

28. “Give me attention!”

29. “That was kinda hot.”

30. “Cheeky!”

31. “There’s only one bed.”

32. “It’s not a double date. We’re just third and fourth wheeling.”

33. “I really want to snog the hell out of you right now.”

34. “I’m pregnant.”

35. “You look cute with a baby bump.”

36. “Your kid would be cute... your eyes and lips... my nose-”

37. “Do you want to kiss as badly as I do right now?”

38. “I can’t believe you’re carrying my child.”

39. “If I asked you out, right here right now, would you say yes?”

40. “Oh my god... you’re in love with him/her!”

41. “Is that my shirt/jumper/sweater?”

42. “I fucking love you.”

43. “Cuddle me.”

44. “Make me!”

45. “Did you buy me... lingerie?”

46. “You should just marry me.”

47. “I need you to fake date me.”

48. “Are you hitting on me?”

49. “Is that... is that my bra?”

50. “You love me!”

--

Smut:

1. “You’re so needy.”

2. “Seeing you between my legs is so hot.”

3. “I may or may not have left some... marks.”

4. “I think we were a little loud last night.”

5. “Really? You wanna have sex... here? Now?”

6. “The noises you make are incredible.”

7. “You’ve been giving me bedroom eyes for the past half an hour - time to show me what, exactly, was on your mind.”

8. “Bite your lip one more time, I dare you.”

9. “God I love your hands.” “Let’s put them to good use then.”

10. “I know you can be louder than that.”

11. “If you want me to get naked, you’ll have to convince me it’ll be worth my time.”

12. “Try to stay quiet for me. Can you do that?”

13. “I want to watch you take off your clothes.”

14. “You’re so turned on already? That was fast.”

15. “Say my name. Louder.”

16. “I want to hear you beg for it.”

17. “What do you want for breakfast? Why are you asking me that at 10 at night- OH.”

18. “We’re in public you know.”

19. “I don’t care what you do as long as you do me.”

20. “There’s no way I’m gonna let you wear that in public.” “Why not?” “‘Cause it would be a shame to rip it off in front of a hundred people, such nice material.”

21. “I’ve never wanted to fuck someone so badly.”

22. “Take off your clothes, but leave the heels on.”

23. “Didn’t know you wanted to get into my pants that badly.”

24. “Backseats aren’t as comfortable as muggle movies make them out to be.”

25. “Come for me.”

26. “Harder.”

27. “I’m not done with you yet.”

28. “Just shut up and fuck me!”

29. “Your mouth feels so good.”

30. “I think the condom just broke.”

31. “I might have seen this very moment in a wet dream once.”

32. “I know we’re just friends but you’re sitting on my lap so I’m sorry if I get hard.”

33. “Next time, say that when I’m inside you.”

34. “How quickly can you cum?”

35. “Your arse is going to be seven different shades of red after that little stunt.”

36. “I’m gonna fuck you in front of the mirror, I want you to see how pretty you look when you’re spreading your legs for me.”

37. “You know, there wasn’t a single thing to eat in the kitchen until you walked in.”

38. “I’m gonna cum inside you.”

39. “I didn’t wanna say anything because we’re such good friends but I would totally fuck you if you asked.”

40. “You know what I wanna do right now?” “What?” “You.”

41. “I’m gonna fill you up.”

42. “Really? You wanna do it without a condom?”

43. “Say my name.”

44. “I’m going to ruin you.”

45. “What are you doing?” “Hopefully you.”

46. “I wanna bend you over that counter right now.”

47. “I want to fuck you on every surface in here.”

48. “Ride me.”

49. “Behave.”

50. “I like this outfit. Easy access.”

[daymansbingerecapsandrankings]

(Originally written on October 8, 2020)

🎵Bang, Bang Bangedy Bang

I said a Bang Bang Bangedy Bang🎵

My How I Met Your Mother Thoughts

I just spent the last nine seasons in New York with the gang that spends all their time in MacLaren’s Pub. SELF FIVE! I have to say, this binge of How I Met Your Mother brought me so much happiness. I started watching this show for the first time back in high school, and I ended up watching the last six seasons as they aired. I remember loving this group of characters, and now I am reminded why. There’s so much chemistry between the five, and it makes for one of my favorite Comedies/Sitcoms of all time. If you’ve read any of my previous Show Thoughts, then you know I’ve been watching several over the course of this lovely Pandemic That Will Just Keep Going. After this rewatch, I’ve decided HIMYM is my third favorite Comedy/Sitcom, right after Boy Meets World and Scrubs.

Now, I know that the Finale is infamous. It’s in the Mount Rushmore of Terrible Endings, and people end up getting a sour taste in their mouth when they bring up the show. Well, it’s been some years. There’s been time to reflect and look back. And, while I’m not in favor of the Finale, I also don’t hate it anymore with the passion of a thousand suns. I just loved watching and growing with the gang, seeing them experience their highs and their lows, their triumphs and their failures. It just hits harder as an adult, like most of these shows assuredly do, and I cherish so many of these episodes and moments.

And now, my rankings for the seasons!

Seasons Rankings

1. Season One

2. Season Four

3. Season Two

4. Season Six

5. Season Eight

6. Season Five

7. Season Three

8. Season Seven

9. Season Nine

My rankings for the girlfriends, purely on how much I like them as a character

The Girlfriends Rankings

1. Robin

2. Tracy

3. Victoria

4. Zoey

5. Stella

6. Jeannette

And now, a ranking of my favorite episodes. From 1-50, these are the ones that stand out above the rest. I consider every single one of these enjoyable.

Favorite Episodes

1. Slap Bet (S2E9)

2. Come On (S1E22)

3. The Limo (S1E11)

4. The Best Burger in New York (S4E2)

5. Ten Sessions (S3E13)

6. The Pineapple Incident (S1E10)

7. Bachelor Party (S2E19)

8. Game Night (S1E15)

9. Oh, Honey (S6E15)

10. Glitter (S6E9)

11. The Duel (S1E8)

12. The Pilot (S1E1)

13. Arriverdverci, Fierro (S2E17)

14. The Over-Correction (S8E10)

15. How Your Mother Met Me (S916)

16. Intervention (S4E4)

17. The Magician’s Code, Part II (S7E24)

18. The Autumn of Break-Ups (S8E5)

19. The Ducky Tie (S7E3)

20. The Best Man (S7E1)

21. The Leap (S4E24)

22. Blitzgiving (S6E10)

23. Three Days of Snow (S4E13)

24. The Scorpion & The Toad (S2E2)

25. Bass Player Wanted (S9E13)

26. The Final Page, Part 2 (S8E12)

27. Duel Citizenship (S5E5)

28. Happily Ever After (S4E6)

29. Farhampton (S8E1)

30. Bro Mitzvah (S8E22)

31. Robin 101 (S5E3)

32. The Magician’s Code, Part I (S7E23)

33. Last Words (S6E14)

34. The Playbook (S5E8)

35. The Time Travelers (S8E20)

36. Splitsville (S8E6)

37. Subway Wars (S6E4)

38. Showdown (S2E20)

39. Drumroll, Please (S1E13)

40. Front Porch (S4E17)

41. Twin Bed (S5E21)

42. Who Wants to be a Godparent? (S8E4)

43. Girls vs. Suits (S5E12)

44. Something Borrowed (S2E21)

45. As Fast As She Can (S4E23)

46. The Wedding Bride (S5E23)

47. The Bracket (S3E14)

48. The Sexless Innkeeper (S5E4)

49. Third Wheel (S3E3)

50. Spoiler Alert (S3E8)

And now, just some thoughts on the show and on the gang!

Ted - I know people don’t like Ted. I don’t actually like Ted all that much. And yet, I found myself rooting for Ted just like I did the first go around. He’s not the worst person in the world, and I would be scared to see half of the decisions we’ve made in the dating game stringed together into a TV show. I know people wouldn’t like me very much for those decisions. Then again, I also don’t get super crazy about details about buildings, I don’t pronounce encyclopedia that way, and he tends to stick his foot in his mouth with this White Man confidence that I just don’t have. With all that being said, I still find Ted being a great friend, a man who is just trying to find the love of his life, and someone who really drives this story with great tales and narration (Bob Saget is the Sixth Man of the Show for just always bringing it). I think Ted does stupid things and he pretty much admits it after the fact. He learns, sometimes, and also doesn’t much like most of us. When he finally found the Mother, when he finally found Tracy, I cared. I cared so much, and I still do. Even though they just shit on her character and don’t give us enough time with her, I almost wonder if that’s a metaphor for the fact that you won’t always have enough time with your loved ones.

Robin - Let’s go to the mall! Yeah! Robin Sparkles is a Canadian Treasure, and so is Robin Scherbatsky. She is one of the best things about this show, and I love her so. Played by Cobie Smulders who I need to see in more stuff, Robin is who we all wanted Ted to maybe be with first. Then we go through all the loops of the HIMYM roller coaster, and a lot of us still wanted them to be together. I was one of them. Yet, she was more than just a romantic plot line for Ted. She was a part of the group who we got to see join it and evolve into a member of their family organically. Robin is fun, loud, full of fun quirks that we get to learn over the course of the series. I was heartbroken when we found out she can’t have children. I was loving the back and forth between her and Barney (the first time), and kind of mad at Barney about being such a crazy ass prankster the second time. Robin shows us just how amazing some gun loving, hockey obsessed Canadian news anchor can be, and how much she cares for her friends.

Lily - Justice Aldrin ends up being one of my favorite characters, even if that gets some curious looks. Yeah, she left Marshall for a summer. Yeah, she had some hesitancy with the marriage and everything. That happens. Lily was also always there for her friends, even if she ends up going a little overboard. She wants Ted to find happiness, and does whatever she can to help. She is there to listen to Robin at all times, and her and Marshall are easily one of the best relationships in TV I’ve ever witnessed. Then we have Lily and Barney which is honestly super underrated. Barney trusts Lily, even though she can’t keep a secret, with all of his emotional problems. Lily is who thought Barney could change before anyone else, and I love seeing their friendship grow from eye rolls to eye tears.

Barney - Oh, Barney. He honestly brings so much annoyance and fun to the show. He’s the friend of the gang who everyone tolerates. He’s the one in the gang who everyone ends up loving just as much as everyone else. Barney shows such a terrible face to the world, sleeping with over 250 women and lying to most of them. He has all these rules that aren’t very ethical. He gives us most of the Misogynism in this show, which is definitely prevalent and makes the show not as strong as it was in the first watch. Still, we get to see Barney grow into someone who wants real love and a happy life. Sure, they show us that his marriage to Robin only lasts three years, but at least they tried. Barney just couldn’t make it work, and that’s honestly who Barney really is. A person who just enjoys sleeping with different people. I was very warmed to see the baby reveal and that Barney becoming a dad was what would change him more than anything. Barney is an underrated friend, and his importance to the gang is legendary.

Marshall - I. Love. Big Fudge. He’s just so fun, caring, goofy, loyal, and everything that I aspire to be in life. For some reason, when watching the show the first time, I related to Ted the most. I was definitely a bit more selfish then. But now, I see that I am a Marshall. He wants to do good in the world, and it drives him so much. He only loves Lily, and his loyalty to their relationship is just Goals. He is also the most fun to watch having a crisis. He gets the big eyes and covers his mouth and just gets obviously super uncomfortable. Some of my favorite moments of the show are also Marshall’s talks with Ted about his feelings for Robin. Any one-on-ones with Marshall and someone else are probably my favorite moments. And yes, I will always root for him over those damn machines!

Last Thoughts:

Sure, the writing wasn’t as sharp or as witty in the later seasons, but I loved the story lines and seeing the gang just live.

Tracy was an amazing character as The Mother, and I truly wonder what could have been if they had given us two full seasons of story with her instead of any episodes of Jeannette.

I really can’t believe Ted told his kids all those stories. A fun premise for a show, but really, not very realistic telling them all that jazz.

Ranjit and Carl are such fun recurring characters that I always enjoyed seeing every time they popped up.

Out of all the recurring jokes and gags, which there are many (y’all said Community has so many, but HIMYM really swings for it), I love the Major/General salute joke. Idk if I just didn’t care for it the first time around or forgot about it, but I just love how silly it is and how they kept it through to the very last episode.

Watching the gang sit at their table in MacLaren’s just hanging out will always make me smile.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 48

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45 || CHAPTER 46 || CHAPTER 47

NOTES:

-4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: thank you for sticking up by me and this story! thank you for reading, commenting, reblogging... thank you also if you’re a silent reader, and I know there’s a few. I know this isnt over yet, and ill write a long thank you with the last chapter but i had to say it here. THANK YOU!

ALSO! this chapter has BOTH povs. so will the next 2 (and final) chapters!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 48

NIALL

December 2018

I had no idea how many pints we had swallowed but clearly, when we got out of the restaurant, I felt a sensation of happiness invade me and I was not really sure why. Louis said something funny and I laughed as we started walking down the street and I replied something that had to do with his girlfriend. He pushed with the side of his body and I started laughing again. It was a good thing we decided to get out to sober up a bit and I felt my eyes flutter when a cool breeze his my face.

It felt so good to be close to Louis again. I couldn't pretend I was totally okay with the fact that he had sex with Olivia but I knew it was a bit stupid of me to hold that grudge. It had been months and it was different now. it was completely different. I was with her and we loved each other, and I was going to ask her to marry me. Soon. Very Very soon.

"I wish I was there to see Liv's face when you'll ask her to be your wife." Louis let out as I glanced at him.

He was smiling fondly and it made me realize he was happy for her. He was happy for both of us. Suddenly, I knew exactly why Olivia had picked him as a best friend. They were so similar in so many aspects and if they hadn't had sex before, I would have said they could have been siblings... twins, perhaps. Not physically, of course, but mentally and emotionally, they were almost exactly the same.

"Definitely, you won't." I chuckled, glancing at him again as I pushed my hands in my pockets.

"Oh, I know." he shrugged, his lips still curled. "I mean, when you two started talking again, she told me she was going to get married with Dylan anyway but I could hear it in her voice that it's not what she really wanted. I told her that she should get married with you instead."

My eyebrows raised and I turned to him as we stopped walking. I was surprised that Louis said that since I was very aware of how mad he was at me after I broke her heart. It had broken our friendship in a way I thought could never be mended back together, but here we were, laughing and having fun the way we used to. He was the first one I told about the ring and somehow, it made total sense.

"Really?" I asked, glancing at him. "I wouldn't have thought but, thank you, Tommo."

"Look, no offense mate, but I did it for her, not for you."

It hurt slightly but I just nodded and licked my lips. It didn't change the fact that he knew Olivia had feelings for me, and most likely thought we were meant to be, and that was enough for me. I couldn't expect our friendship to be exactly how it used to be. Too many things happened, and we both had changed, but I still enjoyed this night and the fact that I was getting my friend back.

We kept walking slowly in silence and after a while, I frowned. I knew where I was and it took me a few seconds to realize why this place felt so important. My heart jumped in my chest and I held my breath when I saw the sign of the bakery a bit farther in the street. It was not lighted up but I could easily read it anymore and I stopped right next to the door.

"You okay Niall?"

I ignored him and moved closer to the door, leaning my forehead against the window just to look inside. I couldn't see the place I had seen her for the first time in over a year, but I could clearly see the spot where I had been standing. A bunch of feelings invaded me, the same feelings that had invaded me back then, when my eyes had fallen on her, and I had to swallow hard, as if my heart was threatening to jump out of my throat.

"Uh-oh," Louis started low. "Looks like it's about to rain."

I blinked a few times, staring some more seconds inside the bakery, and suddenly, something seemed to hit me. I had no idea why I had waited for so many months, I didn't know what the fuck I was thinking. I should have told Olivia that I wanted to marry her, I should have asked her to be my wife back in april, when I bought that damn ring. I had been ready to spend my life with her since that day I saw her again at the bakery and there was no reason to wait again.

I felt raindrops hit the top of my head and wet my shirt, but I just breathed in deeply and turned around, my eyes roaming on the empty and dark street.

"Mate, are you okay?"

Once again, I ignored Louis and without thinking, I started running. I could hear him yelling my name a few times behind me but I didn't stop : I just kept on running as te rain started falling even harder, pouring over me like a shower. I felt my white shirt stick to my chest and the sound of how wet my socks were as I ran on the sidewalk. I didn't even stop when I arrived in front of my house but for some reason, Olivia opened the door just as I was walking up the stairs. She was only wearing a shirt and panties and the sight made me swallow hard.

"Niall? Are you okay?" she asked with a frown, taking a step out as I shook my head, panting loudly, my lips parted and my eyes stuck on her.

"No, no Olivia, I'm not okay." I just let out.

She took a step closer and even if she was still protected somehow from the rain, I could see a few raindrops on her forehead. She brought her hand to my chest and saw her body quiver as a shiver crossed it.

"What's wrong?"

I could hear worry in her voice and it made me realize that no one in the world has ever loved me the way she loved me. No one in the world loved me as much as she loved me. No one ever would, and I didn't want anyone else to anyway. The love she was giving me in every word, every touch, every gaze... that love couldn't be compared to anything else I ever had the chance to get.

"I don't want to wait anymore, Olivia... I've waited enough." I pointed out, making her frown slightly and shake her head.

"W-What?"

"There's no reason to wait anymore!" I let out in an excited tone as I felt every fiber of my body boiling. "It's useless to wait! I love you! I want to spend my life with you!"

Her lips curled and her traits softened. "Me too, Nee." she admitted in a low tone, tilting her head and licking her lips.

"No, Liv, you don't get it." I let out, shaking my head, my lips curling even more. "I know i'll spend my life with you, I won't pass next to this chance a second time. I know I'll never ruin this again, because this is the most important relationship I've ever had and you're the most important person in my life. I want to share everything with you.. Every good morning's and good night's, and every grocery shopping trips, and... and netflix nights, and cleaning days. I want to be with you, and take care of you, and love you the way you deserve to be loved. I want us to know that as long as we have each other, we'll be okay, because we will. I want to complete you because you complete me, Olivia. I realized a long time ago that I can't live with you!"

"Niall," she started, shaking her head and frowning slightly again. "What are you saying?"

I reached for her hands and squeezed them hard in mine. I was completely drenched by then, but I didn't give a fuck. The rain kept falling on my face, sliding down my cheeks to reach my neck and soak me even more. But I pushed that thought away as I let go of one of her hands to dive one of mine in my pocket. I played with the ring with the tip of my fingers for a few seconds, making sure the small diamond was on top, and finally took it out. I felt her tense in front of me but got on one knee anyway, squeezing one of her hands again as I felt nervousness invade me.

"I should have done this a long time ago. I bought this ring in april, and I have no idea why it took me so long to do this. I wanted to find the right words, the right time, the right way. I just didn't realize that there was no right time, words or way. Because every moment is right. I could have asked at any moment and it would have been the right moment because you're the right person.

"Oh my... god." she whispered before swallowing hard. "Niall..."

"Liv, will you marry me?"

She stared at me and finally took a step closer. I held my breath when I realize she was now under the rain as it fell roughly and quickly on her. Her hair stuck to her cheeks and she looked down in my eyes, blinking a few times.

"Are these tears or is it just the rain?" I just asked, making her chuckle and shake her head.

"I love you so much, Niall James Horan!" she let out loud enough so I would hear her over the sound of the rain hitting the cement. "Of course I'll marry you! I've wanted to marry you since I was 6 years old!"

A wave of relief washed over me and I chuckled nervously as my whole body seemed to throb. I got up slowly, still holding her hand, and looked down at her as my lips curled into a fond smile. I really should have done that before, but they said 'better late than never', right?

"I'm in love with you." I whispered, touching her fingers to find the right one before sliding the ring on it without every looking away from her eyes. "Thank you so much."

"Don't thank me, I want to be your wife so bad, I can't even tell you how happy this makes me."

She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer. My eyes closed when I felt her lips against mine and suddenly, I realized that everything was perfect.

                                                      ---

OLIVIA

I kissed him deeply but slowly, feeling his wet shirt soak mine as he pulled me closer. I let the fingers of both my hands slip in his wet hair and pull on it gently, before two or three of my fingertips slid down to his nape, playing with the very bottom of his hair. It made him shiver against me and I whimpered low in his mouth.

"I'm so in love with you, Niall." I whispered, my lips still brushing against his.

My eyes fluttered open and I moved my hand a bit before moving my head back just to look at the ring on my finger. It seemed unreal and for half a second, I wondered if I was actually dreaming one of these very vivid and realistic dreams I had, sometimes. They used to happen so often after Niall broke up with me. Perhaps I was still just in one of those dreams where I'm happy and I get everything I've ever desired. The diamond shined a bit when I moved my hand because of the light from the living room and I felt myself tear up.

I stared at the only human I was ever in love with and swallowed hard. I focused on the locks of his hair sticking to his forehead and at how beautiful he looked. No one else had ever made me feel like he did, and the feelings inside me were so strong I started feeling them physically. Somehow, my hole body started throbbing and I felt my legs weaken at all the strong emotions reaching me.

I felt his palms press more on my back and bit my bottom lip before gripping the front of his shirt and pulling him inside roughly. My lips found his again and I kissed him a bit too hard, perhaps, pulling his shirt over his head before doing the same with mine so fast I almost tore it up. I felt his hands on my naked waist and realized I had been half naked the whole time.

His hands moved up on my chest and I felt his thumbs stop right under my breasts as we kissed. I wanted him so bad... I wanted him like it was our last time... or our very first time.

He pushed the door with one of his feet but it stayed half open as I undid his pants and pulled them down. We ended up laying on the floor in the lobby, his lips running all over me as fat as my hands traveled on his back, neck and in his hair. The moment he pushed himself inside me made my back arched and I moved my knees up, keeping my feet flat on the floor.

"I love you so much." he whispered, his lips pressing against my neck, near my jaw, before he pushed himself deeper inside me. "F-Fuck, you feel so good."

I tilted my chin up and closed my eyes, realizing that I could hear the rain pouring outside. From time to time, I even felt a few drops reach for my legs and it made me think that it was probably falling on Niall, too. I pushed my fingers in his back and my nails sunk in his skin as he thrust in and out of me slowly but deeply. I felt dizzy when an orgasm started building up in the pit of my stomach but I pressed my thighs on each side of him to hold him in place before moving on my elbows to kiss him harder.

I wanted to beg him not to move but I didn't have to. He stopped moving over me only to focus on the way he was kissing me, and I could feel my heart beat so hard and fast that I felt like I was about to cum anyway.

"Mm, Olivia, you're gonna be my wife yea?" he mumbled as we kissed. "I should have asked before but I was so scared you'd say no."

I felt my heart jump and twist in my chest at his confession and shut my eyes tighter. "I would have said 'yes' Niall." I whispered. "There's not a single moment you could have asked in this lifetime when my answer would have been 'no."

He stopped kissing me for a few seconds and finally rolled us around. I held my breath, a bit surprised, but ended up staddling him as his hands ran on my thighs gently. My lips were still very close to his and my hair was falling around us, hiding our faces like a curtain.

"I can't wait to be your wife, Niall."

His lips curled slightly in a fond smile. "I can't wait to cherish you, love you, and support you for the rest of my life." he added in a murmur. "Now ride me, petal."

My lips curled more and I chuckled before sitting up.I started riding him gently, staring down at him and biting my bottom lip. I could still see a few locks of his hair stuck on his forehead and the sight of him naked under me made my whole body quiver.

"This is what I want to see every single day for the rest of my life." he admitted in a whisper, letting one of his hands slide up until my breasts, running his palm on them and brushing his fingertips on my nipples. "That honeymoon is gonna be something else, petal."

I smiled more and bend down slightly, holding myself with my hands on his chest. "That honeymoon is gonna last until we die."

He smiled at me and nodded. "It will."

I started riding him again, harder and a bit faster this time, and when his hand reached between my legs to rub my clit, I started shaking over him. He groaned low, reaching for my thighs and grabbing them hard while he closed his eyes tight. We remained motionless for a few seconds, just panting with our eyes closed, but after a while, my eyes fluttered open and I sent him a fond smile.

"C'mere."

I lied down next to him on the floor, not even caring about how uncomfortable it was, and I moved my hand up to look at my ring again. It was unbelievable but I knew it was true. If someone had told me, when I was a kid, that I was going to marry Niall, I would have laughed. Heck, if someone had told me that a year ago, I wouldn't have believed it. Now, however, it just felt right. It felt like the accomplishment of a lifetime. It felt like the obvious outcome of my journey. It felt like the epic conclusion that was meant to happen.

"I bought this in Paris, when we were at your parents." he just said, making my heart skip a beat. How could his voice still make me melt after all this time? "I just woke up one day and I knew it was the right thing to do. It was so obvious to me I didn't even doubt it or question it. Not a fucking second."

I turned my head to look at him, noticing he was staring at the ring on my finger.

"You're the love of my life, we should already be married." he pointed out with a small shrug, making me laugh. It made him turn my way and he raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"I mean you? Niall Horan? Wanting to get married so soon?" I asked, the left corner of my lips raised up. "Who would have thought? I mean, you'll be the first one in your band to be married. Even before Louis... even before Liam! If you think about it, it's quite surprising isn't it?"

He stared at me for a few seconds, but his lips finally curled into a smile too and he chuckled. "Yea, maybe. i mean, if you weren't in my life, I'd probably be the last one to get married, you're right."

"So it's because of me?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and turning my body his way.

"Yea. I don't want to marry anyone else, and if you weren't in my life... I don't even know if I'd get married. Maybe in my late 30's? Or 40's? Who knows?"

We stared at each other for a minute or two in silence. I was coming up to the conclusion that soulmates were real, and I was lucky enough to have found mine. Even better, it seemed like I was his soulmate too, and nothing could be more perfect that that. I couldn't say I wouldn't have married anyone but him, especially since I was so close to marry an other man, but I could say that I would never be happy with anyone else the way I was happy with him. There was something about this relationship that I wouldn't be able to get though any other relationship. I never felt like that for anyone else in the world. No one could compare. No one was Niall James Horan, and he was the only one I wanted.

"This calls for champagne."

I chuckled and he got up before extending his hand to help me up too. I grabbed his shirt on the floor but grimaced at how wet it was. Instead, I grabbed all our clothes spread on the floor and brought it to the washing machine as he walked up to the kitchen completely naked. I grabbed a pair of boxers for him and one of his shirt for me and walked back to the living room, closing the door and locking it. It was still raining hard outside and I looked by the window for a short moment before finally joining him in the kitchen. He had picked a bottle of champagne and I smiled as I stared at him. He was there, standing completely naked in the kitchen, a bottle of champagne in hands, trying to open it, and I tilted my head. The sight was fucking incredible.

"I brought you boxers but I'm not sure I want to give them to you anymore."

He turned to me with a smirk and I couldn't help but let glance down at his dick. He chuckles and opened the bottle of champagne with a 'pop' before pouring some in two glasses.

"Clothing is optional tonight, my love." he let out, raising his eyebrows. "In fact, it's forbidden to wear any piece of clothing."

He handed me my glass and I pressed my lips together, taking it just as he snapped the shirt and boxers from my other hand. I held my breath as he threw them away and let out a short giggle. I was never at ease while being naked, especially around Niall because his opinion mattered to me more than anyone else's, but the way his eyes roamed on my naked form and sparkled as they got back into mine... that was something that didn't lie. So I didn't have the body I used to have, and I didn't have (and never did) the body of the girls he used to date and fuck... but apparently, it didn't matter to him.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked in a low tone, licking my lips.

He cleared his throat and took his own glass before turning back to me again.

"You look at me too, darling." he pointed out, avoiding my eyes.

"I know but... I don't know, you were looking at me... in a special way."

This time, he looked out and our eyes met. He took a step closer and my lips parted slightly. Fuck, I loved him, I loved him so fucking much I could literally die.

"I can't believe how lucky I am." he admitted in a very low tone. "I'm gonna make love to you every single day for the rest of my life. I want to discover and remember every mole, every mark, every spot." I felt his free hand run on one of my breasts and slide down my stomach. "I want to learn the best ways to make you horny, to make you dizzy, to drive you crazy and to make you cum. I was looking at you because I find it scary how close I was to never get you back."

I stared at him, my mouth slightly open, as I let his words sink in. My eyes fluttered but I kept them open and he brought his fingers on my back, brushing his fingertips on my spine.

"And you say you're not good with words." I pointed out, tilting my head and making him chuckle again.

"I'm getting better at it, right?" he laughed, taking a step back. "You mad eme practice a lot, without really realizing it."

i rolled my eyes with a smile and shrugged as he brought his glass up. "To you and I, to this relationship that will last longer than a lifetime. To you, because you're perfect for me."

"To you too, because you're the only one I ever wanted."

I clinked my glass against his and swallowed everything, putting the glass back on the counter. He did the same and filled them up again.

"So, how are we gonna tell everyone?" I asked, bringing the now full glass to my lips again.

"We're not." he said, leaning his ass against the counter, taking a sip too and making me frown. "We're eloping. Prepare your stuff, we're leaving tomorrow."

[at-the-exd-of-everythixg]

1. Love || 4. Fears || 5. crying || 6. Laughter || 8. Dreams || 11. Best Friend || 13. Hair || 15. Hands || 17. Scars || 22. Family || 23. Romance || 26. Beauty || 30. Sex || 32. Birth || 35. Guilt || 36. Sacrifice || 39. secret || 41. Memory ][For Mahogany][

@blind-mutant

Love

A lot of Mahogany's view of love has always been rather religious and platonic. There was love from Old Alpha as she took care of them and taught them and Mahogany distantly knows that their mother loved them, but other than that, Mahogany has grown up on a pedestal placed by worshippers and the terrifying love of the Moder. Meeting Rhys and having a chance to make actual friends that aren't ancient worshippers means that Mahogany loves their friends deeply and will very much so do anything in order to protect and make their friends happy and feel loved.

Fears

Due to growing up coddled and kept away from most things, Mahogany doesn't exactly have a sense of what's dangerous and what isn't. After they get into the real world, Mahogany often will learn first hand why they need to be cautious over certain things, such as being hit by a car or being put into a bath of hot water (coughRhyscough). While it's useful for the fact that Mahogany isn't scared of small things like spiders or rats, Mahogany also doesn't really realise the danger that they can put themself and others into unfortunately.

Crying

Mahogany doesn't have enough water in their body to cry. Or more specifically, they don't actually have tear ducts (usually this means they just lick their eyeballs to wetten them). Instead Mahogany just makes loud nosies and copies crying, which can be more creepy than sad admittedly, or they simply curl into the corner and scratch things. Sometimes they scratch the walls and floor, but sometimes they scratch themself because at least then it feels like some sort of outlet when you can't make things pour from the eyes.

Laughter

Full anime cackle baby. Mahogany throws their head back and usually thumps their hands on the nearest surface and occasionally if it's REALLY funny they'll kick their legs out. Usually their tail forms and it starts wagging wildly and Mahogany will often keep grinning after they've laughed. They're the type of person whose favourite jokes are all about why the chicken crossed the road.

Dreams

Mahogany doesn't dream. The only time they do is if they're tapping into someone's head or if they're tired enough that they pass out. Mahogany only sleeps for a short amount of time and usually their dreams relate to the Moder still or tend to be useful memories being brought forth. Only rarely does Mahogany dream of their mother and they treasure those dreams of Robyn deeply.

Best friend

They didn't exactly have any real friends growing up since....no one was their age or at least stayed their age. But Mahogany probably would have said that Old Alpha was their best friend since she always sat with them, taught them, fed them and then Old Alpha would take them out to see the real world and play games with them. Mahogany considers Old Alpha their best friend for years until they meet Rhys or Abby and they become Mahogany's best friend.

Hair

Mahogany's hair is more connected to their nervous system than most, which is how they're able to feel things easily. Their hair grows rather slowly and it takes a few years for it to grow back once cut and it dulls some of their senses, much like how a cat struggles with some stuff once its whiskers have been cut off. Mahogany doesn't enjoy having their hair up in a bun or any tight styles as it cuts off some form of sensation and they tend to pull their hair out of it quote roughly. Also they love sniffing hair.

Hands

Rat hands. Mahogany has long nails that are jagged and more sharper so basically claws while their fingers are longer and much more thinner than a normal person's. Funny enough, Mahogany lacks the little wrinkles people have on their hands so...they've got really smoth hands to hold. Their hands have a lot of calluses and feel a bit more like cat beans from where their front hands shift into paws when in their Moder form. Likewise, their feet are harder and slightly curved in from how they shift into hooves.

Scars

Mahogany rarely takes scarring due to their powers making them denser and more detached from this reality, but when The Town burned down, it left a severe scar across their stomach up from their navel after they needed to find energy to survive their connection being snapped. Until they form another connection to build up power, Mahogany is more susceptible to being harmed and scarred, such as being shot or the other Jötun that harmed Rhys and admittedly Abby could scar them quite badly now if they were to get into a fight (especially since when meeting, Mahogany is quite deprived of physical and devine meals).

Family

Mahogany adores family. How could they not? Family has been everything for them growing up and it's the very place where power and home lies. Old Alpha was the one who started everything and Mahogany loves her more than life for years to come and still cries over her sometimes. And while they didn't know who their father was or where he went (Died immediately after Moder possessed his body to uh. Have the Build a Bear parts to make an heir), but Mahogany doesn't care. The only thing that's ever really bothered them is how little they remember their mother. All Mahogany has of Robyn is fuzzy memories of a soft voice and being kissed and heartbeats. When they're upset, Mahogany will tap surfaces at time in the same way Robyn's heart went.

Romance

Mahogany is all about romantic gestures once they get the idea of it! They go out and collect flowers, find things that they know their partner likes smelling or drinking and uh...collects the biggest kills they can get in order to seem more impressive towards their mate. Mahogany also starts grooming constantly and ensuring that their hair is nicely fluffed up and that their teeth crunch though the toughest material. They'll give a gift almost every week, especially if their partner likes it.

Beauty

Mahogany knows, that as a monster born from terror and an entire mythology dedicated to gods, they are beautiful and terrifying. Their hair is messy and long and can sense so many things, they can smell and hear much better than any other human, their devine form makes their horns regal and the many mouths and hands and eyes send people crying in joy and fear. Everyone is born with the body they are meant to have and while they don't understand why someome would want to change their body, Mahogany loves them and they love their own angular sharpness and there should be no reason for anyone to NOT want to spend all day feeding them.

Sex

Sex is a...new concept. It was had in The Town but Mahogany never really had a way of knowing it outside of Old Alpha reading them a bunch of puberty books that goes past the 18th century for boys and girls. Beyond that? Mahogany knows that they like licking themself especially well when thinking about a crush but when it comes to actual sex they're clueless for the first few times and the cues of it. Though Mahogany is very eager in sex to pleasure their partner and wants to be worshipped and to tease...although they also enjoy the idea of having a partner that can forced their head down and lift their ass by their tail to fill and rut them good?? Well, Mahogany has made their vulva swollen with those thoughts.

Birth

Ah yes. Birth. When you fill a bath of boiling blood, cut yourself open with a sacrifice and allow your Norse goddess to bless you with child. Y'know. Beats the queue at mothercare. Mahogany was born this way and um. Technically came from the body of a deer?? Robyn loved them immediately anyway and was the most insufferable mum now that she had not only the nordic antichrist, but the only child in The Town at all. It's part of the reason why Mahogany wants to make their own frozen home, so that they can ensure the same attention and effort into making their family as perfectly as posisble. Especially since the whole ritual takes a large amount of energy and effort.

Guilt

While Mahogany never really talks or thinks about it if they can help it, they feel a lot of guilt that he couldn't help their home, their worshipers. That Moder gave them so much power to do so much and all Mahogany really did was let people and a whole home die. They don't like facing their past mistakes and Mahogany will do anything posisble to try and save anyone close to them if needed. When they were younger, they used to turn their own power on themself subconsciously, which hurt even more to see someone from The Town wandering about in the woods before dispersing into ash.

Sacrifice

Mahogany is selfish. Therefore they would refuse to sacrifice anything that truly means something to them. Sure, sacrificing a meal or something to care for a mate is diffrent, but if Mahogany was forced to give up their power or the idea of a new home? Well, Mahogany has an embedded loyalty to Moder that not even a partner could break. Not unless Mahogany was willing to give up their power and to become human or something similar.

Secret

Mahogany is difficult at and with secrets. They can barely hide something they've been told, yet they can keep their own secrets for years on end. If you want to know something then you have to ask them for a while before they might finally spill. Their biggest secrets so far is that they lied when telling Old Alpha that they didn't remember their mother and when Moder told them to leave The Town for a while. That was when they came back to find everything had died.

Memory

Memories are usually when Mahogany's age starts to show. They're old as shit and the things they talk about at times show it, mostly from being with other ageless humans. But then Mahogany struggles to temper certain pathways to go or if Rhys told them to get a bigger rat or no rat at all to bring home??? Living for such a long time within a town where everything is the same means that Mahogany might struggle to remember certain events or faces, especially if they changed rapidly. Mahogany will never recognise Abby in his human form at first, probably never since it's such a stark contrast.

[daphnefangirling]

tag game! get to know me

tagged by: the wonderful @thetaoofbetty 💖

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? My regular one is grey, but I have a purple one in my purse that i use a lot.

2. name a food you never eat- i’ll try anything at least once. Foods i’d rather NOT eat again? Hmmm probably sea urchin

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold, especially my arms for some reason

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? feeding my 11 days old baby

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? ok so this changes quite often, right now i’d say Aero. Ask me in a month or two and it might be something completely different (i’m very partial to After Eight chocolates around the holidays)

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? yes, many times! i live in the hockey mecca of the Montreal Canadiens and have been to many, many games. i’ve also attended soccer games of the Montreal Impact and Lisbon’s Benfica. Oh and the Women’s Cup that was held in Montreal a few years back, that was fun! Back when Montreal still had a baseball team (RIP the Expos), i went to a few as well. I’ve also attended matches of the Rogers Cup (tennis).

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?  “love you” to my husband who just took over with the baby so i could have a bit to myself and answer this! haha

8. what is your favorite ice cream? i’m a simple gal: i like vanilla because it can be matched with so many flavours. i also really love Ben & Jerry’s The Tonight Dough (created by Jimmy Fallon)

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? water. i drink a lot of water because breastfeeding

10. do you like your wallet? i love my wallet! Ever since 2005, all my purses and wallets are from this Portuguese company called Cavalinho and they’re all gorgeous!

11. what is the last thing you ate? eggs over easy and crispy bacon 

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? nope! 

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? probably the NHL Stanley Cup final

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Chicago Mix baby! That thing is like crack: i will eat the whole bag if no one stops me!

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? my mom

16. ever been camping? in a camper, does that count? In 2005, i went on a 2-weeks roadtrip with a camper across Spain and the South of France.

17. do you take vitamins? i’m still taking my prenatal vitamins because the Dr said to keep taking them until i stop breastfeeding. Normally, i don’t though.

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? i do not.

19. do you have a tan? i actually laughed out loud at this one because i’m so ridiculously pale, it’s laughable to imagine myself with a tan

20. do you prefer chinese or pizza?  pizza. i’ve answered this many times, but pizza is that food that even when it’s bad, it’s still good.

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? not if i can help it, straws are not good for the environment peeps!

22. what color socks do you usually wear? i like fun socks, i have this Harry Potter set from Hot Topic that i’ve been wearing a lot (currently the ones that say: ‘Mischief Managed’)

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?  yes... uh i mean no! Wait, where’s my lawyer?

24. what terrifies you? that something bad happens to my kids or my family

25. look to your left, what do you see?  a poster of Sandeman’s Port wine

26. what chore do you hate most? cleaning the bathrooms, no contest

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? i’m a lover of pretty much all accents so i’d think it’s sexy

28. what’s your favorite soda? Orange Crush or Mountain Dew

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru, i’m a mom of three: drive thru ftw

30. what’s your favorite number? 9 because i was born on the 9th day of the 9th month 

31. who’s the last person you talked to? i talk to myself in my head a lot, but out loud it was my husband (see answer to question #7)

32. favorite meat? uhhhh chicken? i dunno, i’ve never given this any thought whatsoever

33. last song you listened to? Tina Turner’s 'Simply the Best’ covered by Noah Reid on Schitt’s Creek when Patrick serenades David and yes i was all up in my emotions

34. last book you read? Lili Reinhart’s ‘Swimming Lessons’

35. favorite day of the week? we’re in a pandemic, what is time anymore? also, as a mom of 2 toddlers and a baby, there is no such thing as a favourite day of the week anymore. 

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? probably... but really slowly

37. how do you like your coffee? just with milk, nothing else

38. favorite pair of shoes? i have a pair of lace-covered flats that i really love

39. time you normally get up? at whatever time my kids wake up

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets, always.

41. how many blankets are on your bed? i sleep with bed sheets and one comforter (is a comforter a blanket? do the sheets count? i’m making this question is harder than it needs to be, aren’t i?)

42. describe your kitchen plates? they’re white and round (i used to have a set that was square, but we keep breaking them and there are only 2-3 left now)

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: there’s stuff everywhere no matter how many times we clean it and put away everything. Did i mention i have 3 young children?

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? probably gin & tonic

45. do you play cards? i play solitaire on my phone when i’m bored

46. what color is your car? my car is blue, the family car is silver grey

47. can you change a tire? most definitely NOT

48. your favorite state or province? i live in Quebec and it’s pretty gorgeous over here. Can’t complain, 10/10 would recommend. Come visit me when this pandemic is over, I have a Bughead room and everything! Ask @cheryllclayton!

49. favorite job you’ve had? the one i have now: full time mom (i’m on mat leave). But also, the one i have now: coordinator of the CBC Literary Prizes for CBC Books.

tagging: @cheryllclayton @jandjsalmon @anchor-bird-94 @crowns-and-milkshakes @lizzybuggie @darknessaroundus @bluevelvetvideo 

[sapphireglyphs]

Thanks for the tag, Amy my dear! @shineyma ❤ Also, you moved to Louisiana?! How is this the first time I’m hearing about this?! O_O *sigh* we need to catch up, friend!

1. What is the color of your hairbrush? So my current hairbrush I got while I was in Hawaii for my middle sister’s wedding. The head of the brush is an iridescent lime-yellow with black bristles and yellow tips. The brush’s handle has a quilted-patterned silicone for a comfy, semi-squishy grip. I got it bc it reminded me of a pineapple.🍍 

2. Name a food you never eat. Banana; I’m allergic. 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too warm. 🥵

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? The 7Leaves drive-thru for my morning milk tea. 

5. What’s your favorite candy bar? Reese’s Fast Break or a Twix.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? I don’t think so...

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “Ah! Sorry water bottle!” (I knocked him over on accident 🥺)

8. What is your favorite ice cream? Pistachio

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Milk tea

10. Do you like your wallet? So... I have a thing for mid-end wallets and purses... it puts a strain on my bank account but I make do. The very first time I saw my current wallet was on Ebay and it was love at first sight. The problem was it was an older design so it was harder to find for less than $100. So I waited and waited and waited whilst also scouring the internet for months looking for one that was reasonably priced in the color I wanted... and I nearly gave up when, lo and behold, it was going on sale for $60 bucks plus free shipping on some outlet website! I had to triple checked the website (make sure it was legit) before I shelled out the cash for my prize and the rest was history~ 😍

11. What is the last thing you ate? Lunch.

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Not last weekend.

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? Oh my goodness... it has legit been so long since I’ve watched any sports elated anything (besides the occasional sports-like competition on my weekly variety shows)...  

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? I’m not a huge popcorn fan (mainly bc when it gets stuck between my teeth it can get really painful) but California’s own “Gaslamp Popcorn” Malibu Mix, which combines the company’s signature Sea Salt & Olive Oil, White Cheddar and Kettle Corn flavors is like crack. Arguably, the best popcorn in existence!

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? My friend Anson. 

16. Ever been camping? Does 6th grade camp count as camping?

17. Do you take vitamins? Not regularly.

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? No - it used to be a family thing. So now I only go to my local temple for New Years. 

19. Do you have a tan? I don’t tan, I typically just burn.

20. Do you prefer Chinese or pizza? It depends on what I’ve had recently.

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? Only if I’m given a straw. 

22. What color socks do you usually wear? I typically wear nylon socks bc of the flats I wear to work so they’re mostly nude or black. 

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? More often than I care to admit unless I am distracted (which is not great either way). 😅

24. What terrifies you? Not being able to find someone to call my own. 

25. Look to your left, what do you see? Water bottle, can of compressed air, pencil pouch, sunglasses, glasses, and old receipts. My table is a mess. T_T 

26. What chore do you hate most? I hate cleaning the bathroom... ugh! I’m getting a headache just thinking about it! 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? Jake Sim of Enhypen reading his lines for their debut trailer. 

28. What’s your favorite soda? Every holiday season I would get my all-time favorite soda, Canada Dry (Cranberry) Ginger Ale... when it’s not in season, I typically drink clear sodas like 7-up or Sprite... and ginger ale. 

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru.

30. What’s your favorite number? 9

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? My mom.

32. Favorite meat? Fish.

33. Last song you listened to? "All Night” ASTRO. K-pop playlist on shuffle~

34. Last book you read? Ah… I haven’t been reading anything outside of fanfics lately. The last like novel I started reading but never finished was “A Thousand Beginnings and Endings” by Ellen Oh… I should pick it back up again.

35. Favorite day of the week? Tuesday.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? I think so but not nearly as fast nor proficient as I would be the right way around. 😆

37. How do you like your coffee? I don’t typically drink coffee but when I do I like it so sweet and creamy it shouldn’t be considered coffee any longer. 

38. Favorite pair of shoes? I have the cutest pair of navy blue ballerina flats with scalloped edges and a tiny gold bow atop each side.

39. Time you normally get up? Lately it’s been late... usually around 9-9:30?

40. Which do you prefer: sunrise or sunsets? I think I prefer sunsets.

41. How many blankets on your bed? 1 comforter is usually more than enough for me.

42. Describe your kitchen plates. Vintage, milky white chinaware with scalloped edges and a pink cherry blossom pattern. Circa France,1960.   Florentine by Arcopal.

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment. Pretty damn clean but that’s bc yesterday was the holidays, so my mom was in a cleaning mood. 

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? I don’t drink.

45. Do you play cards? My family plays a Thai version of Old Maid called “Dummy”. It’s kinda’ addicting but I can’t play it by myself which sucks. 

46. What color is your car? Dark blue. 

47. Can you change a tire? Nope. 😕 I should probably learn how to do that...

48. Your favorite state or province? I’ve only been to a few and I think like Washington best... but Cali is where all my friends are sooo...

49. Favorite job you’ve had? Clerk typist for the elementary school I worked for.

tagging: @cancered-gemini​ @omiyukio​ @nosevenadapresente​ @cerberus-angel​ @doiloveyou-myohmy​ @safelycapricious​ @moonladymusings​ and anyone else who fancies killing some time!

[thesportssoundoff]

“A damn fine title fight, a unique atmosphere and maybe some 155 lb clarity?” UFC 242

Joey

August 31st, 2019

UFC 242 is....an interesting card. It truthfully feels somewhere firmly between "This is an acceptable PPV" and "This is a pretty good PPV!" which is neither good nor bad. It feels almost like an experiment and a test for Khabib's drawing power without Conor's name attached to it. You've got thirteen fights from Abu Dhabi and most of them are quality fights at either 145 or 155 lbs. Most of them feature Russian fighters in it, making it almost feel like the closest we'll get to a Russian PPV. There's some quality matchmaking, some divisional relevance but outside of the main event there's nothing here you HAVE to see. It just feels like a bunch of solid quality fights with a title unification bout at the top of the bill that you should want to see more than anything else. There's been worse cards, there's been better cards but really this card feels just fine. It's a nice show to kick off the rush to end the 2019 schedule.

Fights: 13

Debuts: Ottman Azaitar, Fares Ziam, Liana Jojua, Lerone Murphy

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 3 (Punahele Soriano vs Adam Yandiev CANCELLED/Magomed Mustafaev OUT, Fares Ziam IN vs Dan Madge/Khalid Taha vs Bruno Silva MOVED)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC):  9 (Edson Barboza, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Dustin Poirier, Shamil Abdurakhimov, Paul Felder, Joanne Calderwood, Curtis Blaydes, Zak Cummings, Islam Makhachev)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC: 1 (Sara Moras)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 10 (Dustin Poirier, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Shamil Abdurakhimov, Islam Makhachev, Mairbek Taisumov, Carlos Diego Ferreia, Davi Ramos, Zak Cummings, Andrea Lee, Omari Akhmedov)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2017 (in the UFC):  35-6

Khabib Nurmagomedov- 3-0 Dustin Poirier- 5-0 Paul Felder- 4-1 Edson Barboza- 2-3 Shamil Abdurakhimov- 3-0 Curtis Blaydes- 5-1 Mairbek Taisumov- 2-0 Carlos Diego Ferreia- 3-0 Islam Makhachev- 4-0 Davi Ramos- 4-1

Fights By Weight Class (yearly number here):

Lightweight- 6 (58) Heavyweight- 1 (25) Welterweight-  2 (51) Middleweight-   1 (30) Women’s Bantamweight- 1 (15) Women’s Flyweight- 1 (29) Featherweight-  1 (42)

Bantamweight- (45) Women’s Strawweight- (22) Flyweight-   (12) Light Heavyweight-  (32) Women’s Featherweight- (7)

2019 Number Tracker

Debuting Fighters (24-47)- Ottman Azaitar, Fares Ziam, Liana Jojua, Lerone Murphy

Short Notice Fighters (24-31)- Fares Ziam

Second Fight (48-23)- Don Madge, Takashi Sato

Cage Corrosion (Fighters who have not fought within a year of the date of the fight) (19-31)-  Teemu Packalen

Undefeated Fighters (29-33)- Khabib Nurmagomedov, Lerone Murphy

Fighters with at least four fights in the UFC with 0 wins over competition still in the organization (10-8)- Omari Akhmedov

Weight Class Jumpers (Fighters competing outside of the weight class of their last fight even if they’re returning BACK to their “normal weight class”) (25-17)-

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- The last time the UFC had a show in Abu Dhabi, there was some week of articles about ethical concerns and stadium security. After the UFC had a string of genuinely fair questions about holding an event in China, I wonder if Abu Dhabi will get the same treatment.

2- I don't know if they're still doing it but Dustin Poirier was doing vlogs going into the Khabib fight. In at least one of them, his coach admitted they were toning down the wrestling practices because he was feeling it in his hips. That seems worrisome given that Dustin Poirier will need to do a lot of wrestling.

3- Down the stretch against Max Holloway, Porier struggled with Holloway's jab, body work and consistent pressure. He was able to counteract that with some solid counter wrestling to drag Max down and clinchwork against the fence to stall him up. That can't work vs Khabib barring something unforseen happening. Conversely when Khabib gets tired, he has a decent shot of being able to coast a little bit with a stiff jab and the constant threat of the takedown. On paper, that seems to suggest that rounds 3-5 will be rather challenging for Porier which is why he needs a Dillashaw vs Barao level start IF only to control the pace and tempo of the fight.

4- Khabib has one of the better jabs at 155 lbs but he's also got this crazy flipper punch he turns over really well when at a comfortable range. Porier has struggled early and with right hands.  Just something to remember when the fight goes into the 2nd or 3rd round.

5- Absolutely going to be a flying knee to start at least one of these rounds, right?

6- Islam Makhaechev vs Davi Ramos was at one point considered to be a co-main event which I suppose speaks to what the UFC thinks of Makhachev. To this point he's been a solid nothing special 155 lber; a fantastic wrestler with good cardio who doesn't offer much on the feet but is surprisingly swift on the ground. He's sort of chewed up the bottom half of the lightweight division with wins over dudes like Nik Lentz, Chris Wade, Gleison Tibau and Kajan Johnson.  What makes this fight interesting is Davi Ramos has been pretty solid since entering the UFC and returning to his natural 155 lbs. Ramos is similar to Islam in that if it hits the ground, he's an ultra aggressive finish chaser who will snag limbs and necks with reckless abandon. On the feet, he's not the athlete that Makhachev is but he probably hits harder and seems more adept to stay standing for extended periods of time. This feels like as close to a wrestler vs BJJ guy battle as we've had in quite some time.

7- MAIRBEK TAISUMOV IS BACK! Taisumov has been in limbo since we last saw him at the UFC's Russian debut in September and there's been all sorts of rumors about his availability on shows outside of Russia and Europe. We've gotten three different "he may be in Canada/US" stuff but dude still hasn't fought in North America. Taisumov faces the underrated Carlos Diego Ferreia who will at the very least challenge Mairbek's wrestling and defensive grappling.

8- Shamil Abdurakhimov vs Curtis Blaydes is a fight Blaydes wins 99% of the time and yet I still need to see him give me a reason to believe he can pull this off. Abdurakhimov is not great shakes as an athlete but he's figured out what works and what doesn't work, mixing in more striking into his game. Blaydes' wrestling should be enough to takedown Shamil but if it winds up against the fence, things are going to get real ugly real quick.

9- Muslim Salikhov's run in the UFC has been rather auspicius. He got subbed by Alex Garcia (ALEX GARCIA OF ALL PEOPLE!) and was getting outclassed for the majority of that fight. In his second fight, Salikhov finished Rickey Rainey in relatively short order and then had a messy PED related issue which led to him getting some abbreviated suspension.

10- Omari Akhmedov vs Zak Cummings is the sort of fight I'd book during a fever dream.

11- Takashi Sato vs Belal Muhammad feels like either an interesting step up for Sato or a show off fight for Belal. Sato was signed on short notice to fight Ben Saunders (it was Saunders vs Perry before Mike got bumped up to fight Cowboy Oliveira) and he wiped out Saunders in two rounds. We know Ben's cooked on all levels which waters down Sato's performance but Muhammad will clear up plenty one way or another. Belal at the very least will test the wrestling of Sato and his cardio.

12- Can Joanne Calderwood EVER find her way into the title picture?

[gretagerwigcollection]

One Scene, 42 Takes and 2 Hours in a Bathroom Stall

By Greta Gerwig 

May 9, 2013

Scene 63. INT. BATHROOM. NIGHT.

Frances and Sophie inside a stall together.

FRANCES: I was lying. I don’t love Patch.

SOPHIE: I do love him.

FRANCES: Since when? When did this happen?

SOPHIE: It’s been happening.

FRANCES: That’s [expletive] [expletive]. Sophie, COME ON!

SOPHIE: No, you’re [expletive]. And you’re making me feel really bad right now.

FRANCES: I want to love him if you love him, but you don’t love him.

SOPHIE: I DO.

FRANCES: (tearing up) Sophie! I [expletive] held your head when you cried. I bought special milk for you. I know where you hide your pills. Do not treat me like a three-hour-brunch friend.

SOPHIE: I’m not talking to you while you’re like this.

She turns away. Frances hits the wall close to Sophie’s head. It’s violent and kind of scary.

In the film “Frances Ha,” Scene 63 is 28 seconds long. We did 42 takes in total, two hours of shooting in a bathroom with no breaks or pauses other than for direction and blocking. In 50 days of shooting, we averaged around 35 takes per scene. Most independent films shoot in 25 days with, at most, 10 takes per scene.

A take, in this case, refers to the entirety of the above printed text, acted from beginning to end. Meaning that Mickey Sumner, playing Sophie, and I, playing Frances, said those words and performed those actions 42 times in a row. The scene had to play “in one,” a take in its entirety, with no edits. The take is the scene. Noah Baumbach, the director and my co-writer, was going to have to pick only one of those 42 takes for the final film.

To write this essay, I went back to the editing room and watched all 42 takes. I also read the script supervisor’s notes, which include Noah’s opinions of each performance. Using the footage, the notes and my memory of the day of shooting, I created the following take journal.

Take 1 (2:04 p.m.): The first one. Not great, but not bad. The first go-round always has an adrenaline to it that is thrilling and unwieldy. There is a pride in simply getting through it, saying everything pretty well correctly and not melting into the ground with embarrassment for all the acting that we are doing.

Take 2 (2:08 p.m.): Because the first take went fairly well, I immediately become cocky and start overplaying it. I’m acting toodrunk. It’s whiny and high-pitched, and for some reason I’m leaning over the sink in a way that makes me look like a hunchback.

Take 3 (2:13 p.m.): Now I swing too far in the other direction and pitch my voice a lot lower. It sounds fake, as if I’m trying to sound important. Frances’ rhythms are more fleet and funny. I touch Mickey too much, it’s too aggressive. She flinches, and she’s right to, because what I’m doing is weird.

Take 4 (2:16 p.m.): I know I’m doing the scene badly, but I can’t figure out how to do it well. Usually by Take 4 something has settled, but not this time. I do a weird line reading just to change it up. That surprises me midperformance, and then I mess up my next line — I say “three-hour-lunch friend” instead of “three-hour-brunch friend.” I apologize immediately after Noah calls, “Cut!” Little words count.

Take 5 (2:20 p.m.): Still hunched over. Less angry, more sad. I’m probably just sad for myself, which is a terrible trap for an actor to fall into. I can tell that Noah is not thrilled with what we’re getting. He hasn’t said anything yet — no “Good take” or “Mark that one” to let me know that I’m on the right track.

Take 6 (2:22 p.m.): Slow. REALLY slow. I try to straighten up! Well done! The crazy-anger is all gone, which is good, but it doesn’t have any energy. By the end of the scene, I’m back to hunching.

Take 7 (2:24 p.m.): For some reason I totally lose my lines. I trip over my tongue. I get very angry with myself and slam the wall next to Mickey’s head too hard at the end of the scene. She lets out a gasp ­ — I’m frightening her.

Take 8 (2:27 p.m.): Because I am playing the scene angrier, Mickey is fighting back harder. A very strong “I DO” from her. I hit the wall quite violently. Mickey starts crying.

Take 9 (2:30 p.m.): I am upsetting Mickey too much — it’s hard for her (or for anyone in that position) to come down from so much emotion and reset and do the scene again. Now she looks upset throughout the entire scene, not just at the end. Sophie is stronger than this, more justifiably angry with Frances than frightened by her. I’m not doing my job as a scene partner.

Take 10 (2:32 p.m.): We start, but then I immediately stop the scene. “Sorry, sorry for this,” I say. I hate breaking a take. But I have a question. Writing a script does not necessarily mean you understand it as an actor. Noah and I talk about Frances’ sincerity. Me: “When I say, ‘Since when,’ am I serious about that?” Noah: “Yes, but it’s not like you really want to know.” Me: “Right, right, let’s go again.”

Take 11 (2:36 p.m.): Calmer energy. Too calm. It’s death for the scene. It’s clearer though, less drunk. At the end, I get a “Want to run it again right away?” from Noah. Nothing else, just “Run it again.” This angers me. I want praise. We do another one right away while the camera is rolling. It’s better, less forced. He was right.

Take 12 (2:38 p.m.): Now I’m underacting deliberately. But it feels more specific. I’m building it from the inside out, trying to wait for it instead of flinging myself in one direction or another.

Take 13 (2:41 p.m.): I start and stop. It’s a dud.

Take 14 (2:44 p.m.): It’s beginning to take shape. The rhythm is kicking in. Mickey is a rock, hitting it perfectly every single time. Acting against someone who has the showier moment is always difficult, but she’s nailing it.

Take 15 (2:47 p.m.): I’m still leaning over — why am I doing that? I laugh through the scene, which seems like an interesting choice, but as soon as the take is over, Noah says, “I think that you’re fed up with her already, so don’t laugh.” I nod and say, “O.K., right, it’s not funny.” I am taking in his direction now. Acting is not simply performing but being in a state of pliable awareness, like hot metal — all possibility and softness in something that is inherently strong.

Take 16 (2:50 p.m.): This is the first take for which there are any script notes. It reads simply, “Good.” This means that after the take, Noah leaned over to the script supervisor and said, “That was a good one.” First genuinely good take, and we’re almost an hour into it.

Take 17 (2:52 p.m.): Another “Good” in the script notes. We’re on a roll! When a scene starts working, it feels as if every choice you make is the right one. It’s getting into a zone where each take can be wildly different, but it all feels true. Frances is the right mix of drunk, angry and self-righteous, while Sophie is simultaneously over Frances’ antics and infuriated by them.

Take 18 (2:55 p.m.): The notes read, “Blocking changed.” Thank God! After 18 takes, I finally stop leaning over in a death hunch. We’ve changed my action so that I’m turning off the water and drying off my hands as we start. The scene is instantly better.

Take 19 (2:58 p.m.): The acting is good, but there are weird sounds of doors opening somewhere in the club outside, which messes up the audio.

Take 20 (3:02 p.m.): I’m making a meal out of drying my hands with the paper towel. I am drying them too vigorously, enjoying having a prop far too much. It has become a crutch.

Take 21 (3:05 p.m.): I’m not paying enough attention to Mickey, which is a bad choice. The only way to make a scene work is with the other actor, and the minute I start thinking about myself more than them, I am sunk.

Take 22 (3:09 p.m.): Another “Good” in the script notes. My performance is finally clean and focused, and Mickey is great as always.

Take 23 (3:12 p.m.): Because I’m washing my hands every single time at the top of the scene, my fingers have started to pucker. But it’s a good action, so I keep washing.

Take 24 (3:15 p.m.): I overarticulate some of the words. I emphasize the “me” too much in the way I say “Don’t treat me like a three-hour-brunch friend.” It makes it sound as if there is someone we’ve just been interacting with who is the three-hour-brunch friend.

Take 25 (3:17 p.m.): The take is pretty good, but as soon as Noah calls, “Cut,” Mickey says, “I was waiting for it, sorry.” Meaning she braced for my wall hit before I did it. It is difficult to keep the surprise of the moment alive.

Take 26 (3:20 p.m.): It’s a good one, but when it ends, I don’t hear anything positive. I react and say with a slightly hard voice, “Was that a good one?” Noah says, “Let’s try another.” I close my eyes and try to focus on the next one.

Take 27 (3:21 p.m.): Script notes read, “Good.” Victory! I didn’t get derailed by my wanting and not getting praise.

Take 28 (3:24 p.m.): Another good one for Mickey and me, but the hit at the end is kind of strange. It doesn’t quite land right, making the moment seem awkward and airless.

Take 29 (3:26 p.m.): It all works. The characters are there, not the actors struggling. After we finish it, Mickey cries, which is not quite the scripted reaction, but it she resets easily.

Take 30 (3:29 p.m.): I start the scene and then stop myself. Noah says, “That was good, though, a good beginning.” I am angry at myself. I start over. I totally flub the lines but stumble through it. Sometimes when I do a great take or have a great moment, I scare myself back into mediocrity. As if it’s too frightening to actually find something that works, because I lose myself inside the moment and my conscious mind wants to pull me back into something more familiar but more banal. I see this happen to other actors all the time, too. Fully swimming in a character and a scene can be terrifying.

Take 31 (3:31 p.m.): Script notes read, “Good.” I’ve calmed down, I’m not as freaked out. Back into being in control but also out of control enough to make it interesting.

Take 32. (3:34 p.m.): We start, and it’s going fairly well, but the camera “rolls out,” and they have to change the memory card.

Take 33 (3:37 p.m.): Another “Good.” It is good: I’m there for Mickey, and she’s there for me.

Take 34 (3:40 p.m.): Inverted a word here. I say, “I bought you special milk,” instead of “I bought special milk for you.” It is a small thing, but it messed with the pace of the line.

Take 35 (3:42 p.m.): This take is pretty good, but I’m getting tired, I can tell.

Take 36 (3:45 p.m.): Mickey says, “I do,” really strong and angrily. She is a workhorse, indefatigable. It feels as if we might have gotten the scene already. We unconsciously start to wind down.

Take 37 (3:47 p.m.): Noah stops us in the middle of the take; I don’t know why exactly. We do it again. Because this happens a lot, a stop and a start over, the take count doesn’t reflect how many times we actually do it. Often we do it more times than recorded.

Take 38 (3:49 p.m.): There is a way-too-long pause in the middle. I apologize right away at the end of the take. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry everyone.” I am suddenly reminded of our crew. The cinematographer, the focus puller and the sound woman who have all been cramped in this bathroom with us. Actors are allowed to screw up much more than anyone else on a set.

Take 39 (3:53 p.m.): Script notes read, “Good.” The trajectory of filming a scene: at the beginning, it’s all emotion; in the middle, it’s all ideas; then for a brief moment between the middle and the end, it’s quite good; but at the very end, the actors get annoyed, because we believe that we’ve already delivered, and why are we still doing this?

Take 40 (3:55 p.m.): Script notes: “Very good.” Despite ourselves it has become better. I look to Noah like, Are we done? He says, “Let’s try another.” I sigh. I want it to be over.

Take 41 (3:57 p.m.): After the end of this take, Noah says, “Good, I think we’ve got it.” Me: “Really?” Noah: “Yes.” Me: “I mean, are you sure?” Noah: “Yes.” Me: “Mickey, do you want to . . . maybe let’s just do one more?” Mickey nods. Noah: “O.K., one more time.” Even though a second earlier, all I wanted was to be free of this scene, now I cannot let it go. I have to try one more time.

Take 42 (4:01 p.m.): Script notes read, “Best take.” Always good to end on a high note. Noah: “That was great.” I look nervous still. Me: “Do you really think we have it?”

In the final cut of the film, Noah used Take 29.

A version of this article appears in print on May 12, 2013, on Page 54 of the Sunday Magazine with the headline: ‘I Know I’m Doing the Scene Badly, But I Can’t Figure Out How to Do It Well’.

[hymn2000]

Chiquitita - MCU AU fanfic - C32

Story summary: Something strange is happening. Someone from space has made their way to Earth, armed with a strange weapon. Targeting teenagers, their ray gun, when fired, turns the victim into a toddler. The Avengers set out to stop this, and find a way to reverse the effects. However, they don’t all come out of the battle unscathed.

Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22   23 24  25  26 27 28 29 30 31

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: de-aging, family stuff, corporal punishment (early chapters only), mental health stuff, hurt/comfort, hospital/medical stuff

Chapter 32 - Chiquitita

-

Loki watched Peter closely the next day. He was still feeling very mixed up and upset about everything, but after the very frank chat Tony had had with him after Peter had gone to bed, he realised he had been a bit out of order staying away from their son the way he had. He needed to make up for lost time, and make sure Peter knew he cared.

Peter was definitely struggling. He seemed very mixed up too, which was understandable. More than that, walking - or more, staying on his feet - was definitely an issue.

“Peter, my darling?” Loki said, stopping Peter in the kitchen. “Is it ok if I take a little look at you? More specifically, at your legs?”

“Um...” Peter swallowed, and nodded. “Ok”

Loki scooped him up bridal-style. He took him to the back room where there was more space, and carefully lay him down on the futon.

“Are they still hurting?”

“Yeah” Peter said. “Not as much as yesterday, but they still ache”

“Maybe we should take your jeans off”

“I’d rather we didn’t” Peter said. “I... sorry”

“Don’t be. It’s ok” Loki said, starting to check him over anyway. “Your poor legs are still shaking. Can you try to settle them?”

“I am trying. They take a minute or two to stop”

“I see. Do they feel weak?”

“Not really; just shaky. Even when my knees give out, they don’t really feel weak. It kinda feels like a jolt when it happens, y’know? Kinda like someone’s just hit them”

“I understand” Loki said. “Does it feel like you can’t balance?”

“No. I can balance, when my legs let me. Like, I can walk and stand and stuff, but then my legs go all funny”

“Funny how?”

“Well, you know. The shaking and stuff. I can’t go for very long”

“I’ve watched you, chick, and I’m not sure it’s a strength thing. Do you mind if I just-”

“Daddy, I trust you, and I’m not saying this to be rude” Peter said. “But this isn’t exactly your area of expertise”

Loki laughed slightly. “I’ve had some experience in physio, chick”

“Mostly personal experience though, right?”

Loki stopped for a moment. “...It’s not really the same thing, honey. Now, I want you to push against my hand with your foot, ok?”

Peter did as he was asked. It felt a little funny: he wasn’t sure how he felt about being on his back being given a consult by his father. But he supposed it couldn’t do any harm. Loki was a nurse, after all.

“Well” Loki said, letting go of Peter and letting him lay his legs back down. “You’re definitely not lacking any strength there”

“So I’m just still adjusting? Kinda like when you were in hospital?”

“Peter, stop” Loki said, firmly. “We’re not talking about me”

Peter sighed. “I think it was worse for us at first”

“Peter, I told you to stop. I don’t want to talk about that”

“Sorry...”

Loki sighed and sat Peter up so he could check his reflexes. He didn’t have a reflex hammer, so he had to make do with his phone.

“Is your lockscreen still a picture of me as a toddler?”

“Yes” Loki said. “Your reflexes seem ok. I think perhaps we should have a bit of a workout and see if we can’t push you a little bit”

“Isn’t that a bit dangerous?”

“No, I don’t think so. A bit of proper exercise would do you good” he thought for a moment. “Why don’t we go down to the pool? Swimming is good for you, and you enjoy that”

“If I can’t walk, I’m not gonna be able to swim” Peter frowned.

“Well, perhaps not as well as usual” Loki said. “But never mind. The water will be good for you, and I’ll keep hold of you so you’re not going to be in any danger”

“But daddy, you can’t swim”

“That’s what you think” Loki said, prodding him in the chest. “Jo Jo is a very good teacher, and he’s very discreet”

“Wow”

“Mm, wow indeed” Loki said. “So, shall we?”

“What about dad?”

“I think he’s very busy in the lab today”

“Can we ask him anyway?”

Loki nodded. “Of course”

-

Tony was very tied up and said he couldn’t really afford to get away. He was relieved to see Loki was seemingly back to his normal self thought, and he secretly wanted them to spend as much time together without him as possible.

Loki and Peter went downstairs to the pool changing rooms.

“Um, daddy?” Peter said once he and Loki had gotten changed. “My legs have gone all funny. Can you, um..?”

Loki hoicked Peter up onto his hip. “I’m got you, chick. You just hold onto me”

“We went swimming while I was a toddler” Peter said. “You held me up so I could say hello to the seal”

“You loved that seal... We spent hours there. You loved the little whale slide. You were so cute” Loki said. “We didn’t quite get you swimming: you were happy enough splashing around”

“You taught me to read, though”

“Yes, I taught you to read. You enjoyed it...”

“Mm... Can you really swim now? You never tried before. Why did you change your mind?”

“Yes, I can swim now. Never you mind about the reasons why” Loki said loftily. “Let’s get you into the pool”

Peter clung to Loki. “I’m a bit nervous. I can’t walk for long, so... Swimming was my good thing, right? Even though I don’t really like competing. But if I can’t do it...”

“It’s ok. Don’t worry about that; you’ll get back on your game eventually” Loki said. “I’ve got you now. We can go slow”

Peter looked down at the pool. “Um...”

Loki sat down on the edge of the pool with Peter on his lap.

“Um, daddy? I think I’ve changed my mind”

“Too late” Loki said, slipping into the pool.

Peter squeaked and clung to Loki’s arm, squeezing his eyes shut. Loki kept one arm round Peter’s chest, and rested his free hand on the boys head.

“You’re ok, chick. Open your eyes”

Peter slowly opened his eyes. He looked at the water, feeling it lapping against his skin. It was comfortably warm, as usual, and Loki’s arm was securely round him. He was safe. He kicked his legs a little, testing the water.

“Is it the resistance that helps?” he asked.

“It’s part of it” Loki said. “You have to work harder in water. But I think it’s also the heat. You know, like a hot bath. It can help relax your muscles”

“Oh yeah... Do you know where my box of bath salts went? Those expensive ones? I asked dad and he said he didn’t know”

“You ruined them” Loki said. “It was the next night after... After you got hit with Kindsprengen’s gun... You decided to make a potion by way of a bottle of shower gel mixed into a box of bath salts in the early hours of the morning”

“Oh right” the corner of Peter’s mouth turned down. “That was silly of me”

“I’ll buy you some more if you’d like some”

“I don’t know” Peter put his hands in the water. “My legs don’t really hurt any more”

“That’s good. Does it hurt all over, or is it just the backs of your knees?”

“Usually just the backs of my knees” Peter said. “I don’t feel very stable”

“Physically?”

Peter nodded. “It feels weird”

Loki turned Peter round and tried to hold him at arms length. Peter squeaked and clung to him.

“Don’t let go! I might sink!”

“You won’t sink” Loki said. “You’ve had more medals and trophies for swimming than you’ve had hot dinners. I’m not going to let go of you completely, I promise. I’ll keep hold of your hands, and you can just try kicking your legs and keeping yourself afloat as best you can”

“I’m scared”

“I know. We’ll go slow. In your own time”

Peter took a deep breath and slowly let go of Loki. Loki kept hold of Peter’s hands.

“There we are! You’re ok” Loki said.

Peter kept his eyes down, trying to focus. He held tight to Loki’s hands and tried kicking his legs like Loki had suggested.

“There, good boy” Loki said. “You’re doing really well”

“It feels weird. Like wading through custard”

Loki laughed slightly. “I understand. Believe it or not, I did a little bit of hydrotherapy while I was in hospital. I remember how strange it felt the first time”

“Oh, I didn’t know that” Peter said. “Um... Am I gonna have to go to physio because of this?”

“I shouldn’t think so. We’ll work through it together. I think you’ll be ok in a few days. I think- oh! I’ve had a thought”

“Oh. What?”

“I think we need to build your strength up a bit. You’ve been eating as a toddler for so long” Loki said. “Maybe your body had a bit of a shock. After all, if we gave you toddler portions now, it wouldn’t be enough to sustain you, would it?”

“Interesting theory” Peter said. “...Remember that day we went out and I asked to go on the bus, and you said no, and I asked why, and you said because we haven’t got a ticket? And I just kinda accepted that as an answer?”

Loki smiled slightly. “Well, I didn’t lie to you”

“I really wanted to go on that bus, you know. It just seemed so exciting. My rocket- um... I though my rocket would have liked it”

“You were so attached to that rocket. I notice you had it with you yesterday, and at breakfast this morning”

“Mm... I remember getting it. It was the first day, wasn’t it?”

“That’s right. You threw a fit when dad told you no” Loki said. “You had a proper tantrum and he just gave in to shut you up”

“Was I a nightmare? I can kinda remember having tantrums, but like, was I a nightmare generally?”

“No” Loki said. “You were wonderful. You were sweet and quiet and happy and precious. You had your moments, but generally, you were really good. You were incredibly well behaved”

“Oh” Peter said. “I remember getting into trouble a few times. Aunt Nat rescued me from the naughty chair on the landing”

“Mm... Can I ask you something?”

Peter nodded.

“What was going through your head when you had a tantrum?”

“Oh” Peter looked at him. “Um... It depended. I just kinda remember being really, really angry or upset or frustrated and feeling like no one was listening. So like, because people weren’t listening, I had to make them listen. So I got loud. I guess I just had to let all that emotion out”

“Can I ask you something else?”

Peter nodded.

“Do you remember those days when you got fussy because you didn’t want your coat on?”

Peter nodded again.

“How did you feel when we put you in your coat anyway, even though you were saying no?”

Peter went quiet, thinking and trying to remember properly. He looked at his and Loki’s hands.

“It was kinda scary sometimes. Like, I kept saying no and I couldn’t struggle away because everyone was so much bigger than me. I guess I felt kinda helpless”

“I tried to explain to you why we were doing it anyway”

“I know” Peter said. “I remember you telling me you could hear me saying no, but you had to do it to look after me, or something like that”

“Did it help?” Loki asked. “Compared to people who just forced you wordlessly?”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t really know. I think you were less scary than dad, because you talked to me gently even when I was shouting. Dad just kinda told me to be quiet and then didn’t say anything else until I was all zipped up in my coat”

“We both tried our best”

“I know” Peter said. “Do you wanna know what was scary?”

Loki looked at him with interest. “Ok?”

“Getting my booster jabs”

“Oh sweetheart” Loki sighed sadly. “Dad said you absolutely howled. He said he nearly cried too”

“It was one in each arm and each leg” Peter said. “Dad had to hold me still; I remember that. It felt like it went on forever, like the doctor just kept stabbing things into me. It was so scary. I didn’t like the doctor much after that. Didn’t really like dad either, ‘cos I started asking him to get the doctor to stop, and he didn’t... I did get gummy bears afterwards though”

“Poor little boy. Was there any talk at the doctors of doing more boosters now that you’ve been, uh, turned back?”

“I don’t know; I wasn’t really listening while we were there: I was too cross”

“Yes, I was told about that appointment. Not to mention the way you talked to dads friends”

“Yeah... I should probably apologise”

“Perhaps” Loki said, taking him further from the edge of the pool. “I think they’re all very understanding though”

“Do you wanna know something else that was scary?”

“If there’s something else you want to tell me, yes”

“All the crowds. People used to crowd us when we were out, y’know, because of dad? That could be pretty scary, especially when it was men, and especially when they were loud”

“Well, I understand that. You’ve been a little funny with crowds for a long time. I can imagine it must have been very scary when you were so little”

“Mm... Daddy, my legs are getting kinda tired”

“Come and hold onto me properly again” Loki said, pulling him close and enabling him to do so. “You’re doing really well. We’ll get you there”

-

Tony emerged from the lab and found Loki and Peter cuddled up spooning in the reading nook in their fluffy dressing gowns. Loki had a book in his hands, which he put down when Tony entered the room.

“Hey, you two” Tony said softly. “Did you have a good swim?”

“It was tiring” Peter said. “But daddy said we should keep at it and I managed to do half a length, which I thought was ok”

“That’s good! How are your legs?”

“They ache a bit, but I think it’s because of the exercise” Peter said. “We spent a while in the hot tub too, and that kinda helped”

“He got tired out” Loki said. “I didn’t want to push him too hard just yet”

“Did you have a little look at him?”

“I don’t think there’s anything to worry about just yet. I’ll work on exercise with him, and if you keep him well fed, and we do the rest of it together, we’ll get him back up and running soon enough” Loki said.

“Is it ok if I join you?”

Loki nodded, and Tony sat down on the armchair by the reading nook.

“Daddy?” Peter said. “Where’s my phone? And my laptop? I had a look, but...”

“I’ll dig them out for you, chick” Loki said.

“I wanna see my friends. And I need to send a few sorry messages to people”

“There’s no rush, chick” Tony said. “Don’t push yourself”

“I feel a bit like they will have forgotten about me. It’s gonna be weird going back to school... I don’t have to go yet, do I?”

“No, not until you’re ready” Tony said. “If you’re ready in two days, you can go in two days. If you’re ready in two weeks, you can go in two weeks. If you’re ready in a month- well, you get the idea”

“It’s scary to think about it. Daddy and I were talking about some of the toddler stuff earlier” Peter said. “I feel all fuzzy. I’m still trying to understand the whole changeover. I think I’m gonna call uncle Steve at some point and talk to him”

Tony smiled slightly. “Yeah, that might be a nice idea... Have you had lunch?”

Peter nodded.

“What did you have?”

“Broth” Peter pulled a face. “Yuck”

Tony and Loki both laughed slightly.

“He needed something full of goodness” Loki said, in all seriousness. “Broth and a smoothie. It made a good, nutritious lunch”

“Not exactly a tasty one though” Tony said, raising an eyebrow.

“The smoothie was good” Peter said in Loki’s defence.

“Well, anyway” Tony said. “Darling, can I be a little bit selfish for a moment?”

Peter gave him a look, as did Loki.

“You’ve had a morning with daddy, and feel free to say no, but I was wondering if we could spend the afternoon together?” Tony said. “We need to sort out all your toddler stuff, and I was thinking we could do it together”

“If it’s ok with you two” Loki said. “There are a few things I’d like to keep for myself. For my box”

Tony nodded. “Sure... Peter?”

“Ok. I’m gonna go and put some clothes on first, though” he wriggled away from Loki and stood up. “I won’t be long”

“Are you alright walking?” Loki asked, sitting up.

“I’ll manage” Peter said. “My legs are only shaking a little bit”

Tony watched him go, and turned to Loki. He reached out and took his hand.

“Thank you”

“No, thank you” Loki said. “I needed you to kick me into action, and you did. I shouldn’t have avoided you and Peter, and I definitely shouldn’t have taken on those shifts as an excuse to do so. It was very wrong of me. I’m sorry”

“Thank you” Tony squeezed his hand. “You’ve done a very swift u-turn. It’s a relief to see, and I love that you went down to the pool and helped him there. I know how much you hate swimming. How did it go, really?”

“It went well. It did tire him out, and it did hurt his legs, but that was just to be expected. It wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. He just needs to build his strength up. I’ll keep up with it. I’ve talked to Jo Jo a bit, an-”

“Jo Jo? Why him?”

“He did a rotation on physio, and his housemate works in the department. He’s got some knowledge that I don’t have” Loki said. “He was helpful”

“I see. Well, I trust you with the medical side of this” Tony said. “I’ll let you get on with that, but keep me updated. I’ll help him sort out all the kiddie stuff today, and then we’ll do everything else as a family. Ok?”

Loki nodded. “Ok”

-

Peter sat looking at all of the little clothes on his bedroom floor. A large cardboard box sat beside him. Some clothes were already folded in it, mainly plain clothes.

“There’s a lot here” Peter said. “There’s so much stuff”

“You needed lots. We didn’t know how long you were gonna be little for, and we kinda thought, like, generally, little kids get through more clothes than like, older people. Getting them dirty and stuff. Although, you were generally ok. Sometimes the spare set Loki shoved in the bag came in very useful though”

“Like the time I wet myself at the supermarket?”

“Oh yeah. It was a clown, right?”

“It came out of nowhere and just jumped at me! That’d terrify me even now! I couldn’t stop crying for ages” Peter shook his head slightly. “Daddy shouted at him for scaring me”

Tony chuckled. “Oh yes, he was furious when he told me. He said you were very upset”

“Well yeah. I mean, I was terrified, and then I got upset because I wet myself. It was kinda traumatising”

Tony shook his head. “Poor little Peter”

Peter looked back at the piles of clothes, picking up the teddy bear onesie.

“This is cute”

“I think daddy wants to keep that one” Tony said gently. “Why don’t you set it aside?”

Peter nodded and did so. “There’s a lot of cute stuff here. I think it’d be a bit weird for me to keep any of it, though. Maybe a pair of shoes though, for daddy’s box...”

“Well, that’s up to you” Tony said. “You’ve got those socks Liz sent; they’re good to keep. There’s a few things I’d be tempted to keep, but we’ve got photos of you in all the cutest stuff, so I’m happy with those. Even though it feels a bit strange having the sudden age shift. I think you understand that better than we do”

Peter nodded. “All this stuff is in good condition. I think the charity box will appreciate them”

-

Sorting the clothes was easy, and sorting the kitchen wasn’t too bad either. There were a few kiddie snacks left, but it was all stuff that Peter imagined he’d eat at some point. He did spend a while looking at all of his sippy cups and dining sets. Eventually they decided to keep the cutlery set from Steve, and a couple of the nicest cups. Everything else went into the charity box.

“So, uh, the toys” Peter said. “Will they go to the hospital if we donate them?”

“No” Tony said. “Loki’s already warned me against that one. He said they’re constantly overflowing with donations, to the point where they have to turn them away. No, whatever - if anything - you decide to donate, will just go to the same place as the other stuff”

Peter nodded slowly. “I’ve got some toys in my room. We should sort those ones out first”

-

Peter had already suspected that the toys were going to be the hardest bit, and his suspicions were proved correct. Tony suggested he might like the keep all of the soft toys. There weren’t all that many, and Peter nodded at Tony’s suggestion. However, he took the scarf and monkey from his big Steiff elephant, and threw them in the charity box. He hated monkeys, so he didn’t really know why he’d chosen it. He picked up the little dog in its plastic carry cage and the toy horse and set them on the cabinet beside his Steiff bear and penguin. He hadn’t really cuddled them much, so he felt they were better on his technically-toys-but-definitely-more-ornamental shelf.

“I don’t think I could ever part with my rocket now” Peter said, tucking it under his arm. “I kinda like carrying it around. Is that weird?”

“Maybe it’s just a bit of leftover attachment” Tony said. “You carry it around as much as you like, honey”

They spent a while in the en suite. The unopened kiddie toiletries were put in the box, and they decided they could use the last bits of the opened stuff, so those stayed where they were. If Peter decided he didn’t want to use them, there was always the option of binning them. His toddler toothbrush and toothpaste were binned. The little stepping stool was pushed to the corner of the bathroom, under the radiator. They supposed it could come in useful in the future. The towel and flannel from Steve, and the kids sponges were all kept.

The bath toys were harder. Peter threw everything he hadn’t really liked or played with as a toddler into the box, but it still left - amongst other things - all of his boats, his water wheel, and a whole flock of rubber ducks. He sat on the floor lining everything up. He held the water wheel in his hands, flicking it so that it spun.

“What are you thinking, bambino?”

“I loved this thing”

“Remember what I said, honey” Tony said. “I’m not going to force you to give anything away”

Peter looked round the bathroom. He’d chosen some lovely pictures for the walls, but his shelves were fairly empty, aside from his free-standing little unit where he kept his unopened toiletries. He knelt up and pressed the water wheel to the inner side of the bath.

“I want it”

“Ok”

Peter looked at his boats and rubber toys and ducks. He set the duck that quacked in water on top of the cistern. He lined up his bigger ducks on the ledge by the toilet, and the smaller ones along the edge of the bath. He picked up his boats and put them back in the little toy basket. He put everything else in the charity box. He took a deep breath.

“That’s the bathroom done”

Tony gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Well done. Living room next, chick. You’ve got some big decisions to make”

-

Peter was quiet for a long time, looking through all of his toys.

“I feel bad” he said eventually. “Especially about the stuff my uncles and people bought me. I can’t really get rid of all that, can I?”

“It really is up to you, chonk. You can keep whatever you want to keep”

Peter pushed the toy buggy back and forth a little. He looked at the baby doll strapped into it.

“I loved this little doll”

“You spent hours walking round and round the house pushing that little buggy with your baby doll. You liked getting me to help you bath it and feed it and put it to bed too”

“I remember... I think I wanna keep the baby for now, but only with the buggy. Is that ok?”

“Of course. Like I keep saying; it’s entirely your choice”

Peter had a think, and found everything the Avengers had bought him, separating them from the rest of the toys. He looked at the toy till and all the toy groceries. He looked at the wooden toy food set with the velcro so you could ‘slice’ it with the wooden toy knife. He looked at the tin tea set, at the building blocks and the Stickle Bricks. He looked at marble run.

“Uncle Steve got me a big fairy tale book, right?”

Tony nodded. “Loki thought you might end up tearing it by accident, so it’s in the reading nook. I think your flash cards are in there, too”

Peter emptied out one of the small toy boxes and refilled it with all of the presents from the Avengers.

“These are important” he said. “I can’t let go of these”

Tony nodded. He understood. Truth be told, these were all very successful gifts: Peter had played with each of those toys a lot, and Steve’s practical presents had been very useful too. He was glad Peter was keeping them.

-

Sorting through the rest of the boxes was hard, and time-consuming. Peter looked at all of his toys and play-sets, and he just remembered all of the great games he’d had with them. He felt selfish, like a child who didn’t want to share, but he couldn’t help not wanting to let go.

“Is it selfish of me to want to keep more than I want to give away?”

“It’s your stuff, kiddo”

Peter looked at the piles again and had a really good think, reevaluating the situation. He was happy to part with the various sized toy cars (including the remote control one) and his big train set and his action man van and all the action men and Barbies that went with it. He was happy to part with his jigsaw puzzles and his foam puzzle play mat. He was happy to part with his shape-sorter and doctor set and builder set, not to mention his bucket of letter magnets, his Mr Potato Head, his little basketball hoop, doodle board, and fuzzy felts. After some more thought, he pushed a toy digger, toy phone, a barely-used Play-Doh pack, and a bundle of plastic animals into the ‘donate pile’.

“I was really spoilt” he said, looking at everything.

“I don’t think so” Tony said, picking up a plastic dinosaur. “Kids need a lot of toys. Loki said it’s healthy to have a lot of options. Compared to a lot of kids, this isn’t really a huge amount”

“This is my donate pile” Peter said. “And that’s my keep pile”

“Alright, well, do you wanna have a last look through and make sure you know what’s going where, then?”

Peter had another look, and nodded. “I think I’m sure. I’m definitely keeping these dinosaurs and the dolls house and stuff. I can always change my mind and give them away some other time, right?”

Tony put an arm round Peter’s shoulder. “How do you feel?”

“Like I’m about to cry”

“Do you wanna take a little break?”

Peter took a deep breath and nodded. Tony gave him a little squeeze.

“I thought so. Let’s get a drink, and then we’ll finish up”

-

Peter did have a bit of a cry. Tony was very understanding, and he gave him a cuddle and reiterated that it was all his decision, and that he knew it was a strange situation, but that things did need to be sorted. Peter appreciated his honesty and sentiment, and it helped.

Tony helped pack all of the toys in the ‘donate’ pile into big cardboard boxes. He handed Peter a roll of brown tape.

“Care to do the honours?”

Peter took the roll. He hesitated a moment before closing the boxes and taping them securely shut. He took a deep breath.

“This feels weird. Like a loss”

“I know” Tony said, squeezing his shoulder. “But it’s gotta be done. This is all good stuff, and you’ve been really generous. Now, you need to box up your other pile”

“Can you help?”

“Of course”

Tony helped Peter tidy everything he was keeping into the big toy chest. It all fit neatly, with room to spare. Peter looked at the empty toy boxes beside it.

“What do we do with these?”

“Keep them. We can stick them in the back room for now: they’re bound to come in useful at some point”

“Ok” Peter nodded. “What do we do with the toy chest?”

“Leave it in here, if you want to” Tony said. “It’s neat enough, and there’s more room in here for if you want to get things out again at any point”

“What about the charity boxes?”

“We’ll put them all by the door to the garage” Tony said. “We’ll take them to a drop off point another day”

“Why not today?”

“Well, in case you change your mind about anything over the next couple of days... Sweetheart, there’s something I need to talk to you about”

“What?”

“It’s about... May”

“I didn’t remember her when I was a toddler. You said that”

“Yeah... It’s not that”

Peter looked at him. “Then what?”

“Well, daddy and I kept visiting, of course, like always. But we’ve gone more because... Well, we got talking, and we saw the way other people’s, uh, resting places were set out” he swallowed. “We kinda... upgraded everything”

Peter blinked at him, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“We kept the headstone, because you chose that. But we kinda got it integrated with other stuff, kinda made it... Kinda like some of the ones we saw. Listen, I can explain and describe it till the cows come home, but it’s probably better for you to just...”

“See it?”

Tony nodded. “Yeah. If you don’t like it, we can always change it back, but we talked about it a lot and it felt right, and we got it all sorted. But yeah, if you don’t like it...”

“I don’t wanna see just yet” Peter said. “I wanna wait, and do it the same day we drop all these boxes off. Is that ok?”

“Of course it’s ok. It’s your decision”

Peter looked at him, considering. “...You’re my dad”

Tony blinked a bit. “Uh, yeah, I’m your dad...”

“Daddy told me about your argument, y’know, about the reversal and stuff. I understand both of your points of view, but I don’t really know what I would’ve chosen if I were you. It’s hard to figure it out”

“I get that. At the end of the day, most of us just kinda thought that if you were turned into a child by accident, there was no right to keep you as one on purpose. Like, it shouldn’t’ve happened. We would’ve prevented it if we could’ve, so of course we were gonna reverse it when we could. Does that make sense?”

“I think so. I think you were working on logic, and daddy was working on... Not logic”

“It’s all over and done with now” Tony hugged him close. “You don’t need to think about the why’s and what-ifs. We just need to get back to normal”

“Daddy’s still annoyed at you”

“Don’t be silly, chicken. What makes you think that?”

“He’s calling you Anthony. He only does that when he’s upset with you”

Tony sighed. “Don’t worry about all that, chick. We’ll work through things. We always do”

-

Peter felt a lot more relaxed that evening, and he didn’t feel smothered or like he wanted to avoid people anymore. He sat on Tony’s lap, their chests pressed together, and Tony held him tight and rocked him gently. Loki sat at the other side of the sofa, his nose in a book.

“We should start thinking about tea” Tony said, rubbing Peter’s back. “We’ve been a bit slack the last few days. Maybe we could order something in”

“What kinda something?” Peter asked.

“Whatever you like” Tony said. “Call it a treat. It’d be nice”

Peter turned his head, looking at Loki. “Daddy?”

Loki looked up from his book. “Yes?”

“What do you want for tea?”

“I’m not fussy” Loki said. “You can choose”

Peter settled back against Tony, thinking. He wasn’t sure how hungry he was. He didn’t really want to order pizza, because he had a feeling he wouldn’t finish it. He didn’t really like Indian, and every time they had a Chinese there was always loads left over that usually ended up going to waste. He didn’t want a kebab or a chicken burger or any of the usual greasy takeaway stuff. 

“I don’t really know what I want” he said eventually. 

“Well, if you don’t want a takeaway, we could always go out to eat?” Tony suggested. “We could-”

“Halloumi” Peter said suddenly. “Do you remember that fancy looking place we went to on holiday, and I had that burger that was like, halloumi sticks and hummus and lettuce and tomato, and I had a macaroni cheese fritter added? That was so nice”

“I think that’s a little above my area of expertise, chick”

“What about goats cheese? Like, when it’s all warm and breaded, and you have it in a salad?”

“Ah, well that’s something I know how to do! Is that what you want?”

Peter nodded. “Yeah, and I want that chocolate fried brioche thing for pudding”

“Uuh, I don’t think we’ve got any brioche, chick”

“We have” Loki said. “It’s a loaf though”

“Oh. That’ll probably work just as well” Tony said. “Alright then, chick, I’m gonna have to move you: I need to go and play at being Gordon Ramsay”

-

After tea, Peter curled up on Tony’s bed with his parents. He didn’t go into Tony’s room very often at all, so it felt a little odd - but not in a bad way. He felt good, cuddled between his dads, his rocket in his arms and a blanket round him. 

“Do you miss toddler me?”

“Yes” Loki said.

“A bit” Tony admitted. “But I’m really glad to have you back. I missed you a lot while you were tiny”

“It’s a little bit strange” Loki said. “Because you were always there, but you’re very different now to how you were as a toddler, so it was a little bit like you were a different person altogether”

“I’m still getting used to it” Peter said. “I can’t believe I spent four months as a toddler. It’s super weird”

“You’ll get your head round it eventually” Tony said. “We can talk about it as much a you like. Or as little. Whatever. We’ll work though it together”

“At least... Kindsprengen’s gun wasn’t exactly dangerous. At least it was a gun that just made me little, and not a gun that could’ve killed me, right? At least I didn’t get hurt”

“Exactly” Loki said. “You didn’t remember being big while you were little, but you weren’t hurt or negatively affected. It wasn’t an easy or ideal situation, but at least you were safe”

“There’s something I don’t understand” Peter said. “I got a bit hurt that day, while we were out fighting, like these cuts on my head and stuff. But why were they still there when I got turned big again? It’s weird, isn’t it? Surely they would’ve healed?”

“Well” Tony exchanged a look with Loki. “When you turned little, all those cuts and stuff were gone. We didn’t understand that either. Maybe it’s just one of those things”

“Maybe... Wait! This means that the world hasn’t seen Spiderman for four months! What if-”

“Don’t worry about that” Tony said quickly. “You father is very talented with his illusions. As far as the world knows, Spiderman has still been out and about. There’s some videos knocking about that I can show you”

“Oh” Peter said, visibly relaxing. “That was a cool idea. I didn’t think you’d consider it”

“Dad asked me to do it” Loki said. “He said you’d worry about it otherwise”

Peter went quiet for a moment. He looked down at his tummy, where either parent had rested an arm. He put his hands on theirs. 

“You know how some people ask if you feel like you missed out because you adopted me when I was older? Well, now you can truthfully say you knew me when I was a toddler”

Tony laughed slightly. “Well, you’re not wrong”

“You’re really good parents, you know” Peter said. “I really was happy as a toddler. But I’m happy now, too. That’s kinda because of you two, right?”

“You know we always want to do our best by you” Loki said. “We’ll always be your parents”

“Exactly” Tony said. “We’ll work through everything with you, no matter what”

“And do you want to know another thing?” Loki said. “Just because you’re big again, there’s one thing that doesn’t change”

Peter looked at him. “What?”

Loki and Tony looked at each other, and smiled.

“You’ll always be our baby boy”

*

*

[fatathlon]

Race Report: Greater Nashua Sprint Triathlon

My first triathlon of 2019 was a sprint distance race held in southern New Hampshire, called the Greater Nashua Sprint Triathlon. I settled on this race in particular after several months of research, trying to find a race that was both within driving distance and lined up with my training schedule for my 70.3 race. I didn’t know anything about it other than what I found on the website and Facebook page, but it was the 10th annual running of the event, so it seemed likely to be a well-organized race.

Pre-Race

An added bonus to this race was that my wife’s parents and brother live just an hour away from the race location, so we were all able to stay with them and combine it into a family visit. It’s a huge benefit to race day preparations to be in a comfortable location with family before an event, so I’m grateful we were able to have that opportunity. I went to bed at the same time as my kids, and actually managed to sleep through most of the night. I only woke up once, at about 3 AM, and then drifted in and out until about 5, when I got up.

Breakfast was my customary bowl of oatmeal flavored with maple syrup with a coffee. While I had the syrup out, I took the opportunity to fill my gel bottle. I still wasn’t sure if I would even use fuel during the race, because it was so short, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to have it along.

Breakfast

Race Fuel

Nice morning view

I had everything pretty much ready to go the night before, so all I had to do in the morning was load my bike, put my transition bag in the car, and head out. The drive was uneventful. As I got close to Nashua, I started to see more and more cars carrying bikes. It wasn’t long before I saw a fully decked out Quintana Roo on the back of a pickup. Welcome to New Hampshire.

Parking was an absolute nightmare. There was a lot designated for racers, which was the entire area around a local school, but it was already packed to the gills by the time I arrived. I ended up having to park underneath a swing set. I checked the air in my tires at my car, put my transition bag on my bag and rode to the transition area.

Transition was pretty well organized, with everyone having a marked spot on the racks. Once again my bike was too tall to fit very well on the rack. The saddle was too high to easily get it under the bar, and then there wasn’t enough of a hang to keep it on there securely. Not much I could do about it, so I set up my transition stuff and went to get body-marked, check out the transition routes, and wander down to the water.

My transition setup. My rear wheel is basically on the ground.

There were about 15 minutes of announcements before the race, which felt like they took forever. I tried to keep my arms moving, doing some arm circles and such, but mostly just stood around feeling my springs coil. Finally, they started calling waves. Everyone had an assigned wave number, and when your wave was called, you went down to a dock area to check-in and queue up for the start.

Swim

This was my first race wearing a wetsuit. It was also my first race with a wave start. It cheated everyone out of some time, because the timing mat was on the dock and the waves treaded water for a minute or two before actually starting. But at least everyone lost the same amount of time, so it didn’t really matter.

I put some water on the back of my neck just before jumping in, but it felt like a warm bath. I was prepared for a cold shock when stepped off the dock, but it was just balmy. I grabbed the start line rope and floated until the starter gave us the go signal, then I was off.

One of the first waves heading out

Almost immediately, I felt like something was wrong. I wasn’t more than 30 seconds into it and I felt absolutely awful. I thought I might be getting sick. Was I even moving? I couldn’t really tell. My line was way off, too, and I kept veering to the right. I tried to focus on my technique and things got a little better. I decided that whatever I was feeling, it wasn’t getting any worse, so I would just push through it. I had done enough swim training to know that I wouldn’t suddenly drown or anything, especially while wearing a buoyant wetsuit. The worst case was that my arm strength would just give out, and it hadn’t yet. So there was no reason to stop. On I went.

About halfway through the loop, I started catching some people. I have no idea if they were in my wave or the wave before mine, or possibly the wave after mine, having gotten ahead of me at the start. I didn’t try to swim over anyone but I didn’t really seem them coming, either, so some contact was inevitable.

I hadn’t set a goal time for the swim, but from experience I expected something between 10-15 minutes in the back of my mind. When I finally stood up to exit, it felt like it had been twice that, but I figured realistically it was maybe 12 minutes.

I looked at my watch and saw an 8. Suddenly things made a little more sense. I had been going faster — much faster — than I thought. No wonder I felt like my chest was going to explode.

Official Swim Time: 8:49 (.3 mi) – 1:41/100 yd 7/32 in age group; 34/414 overall

T1

T1 sent us up a sandy path through the woods to the grassy area where the bikes were. There were wetsuit strippers waiting for us, which was awesome. I pulled my wetsuit down below my waist, slid into home on the tarp, and my suit was popped off before I even knew what was happening. I thanked the volunteers and headed to my bike.

About to get stripped

I had toyed a bit with leaving my shoes on my bike with rubber bands, but ultimately couldn’t really figure out how to do it so it worked properly, and I was worried about the rubber bands getting caught in my gears, so I decided to just put my shoes on in transition, run the bike out, and clip in. I certainly wasn’t going to try a flying mount, so this was a reasonable option for me. At the last second I grabbed my maple syrup bottle and slid it into my tri suit pocket.

Official T1 time: 3:13 – 91/414 overall

Bike

The bike route was very short, and very flat. I’d only done three previous races before this one, but this was the shortest and flattest by far. I had been doing a lot of mental gymnastics about the bike leg in the days leading up to the race, debating my approach. Overall, I wanted this race to be something of a practice session for my 70.3 — transition logistics, using a wetsuit, etc. I thought about also extending that to pacing, to practice the mental and emotional control required to slow myself down at the start of the bike leg so that I would be able to hold the right pace throughout, and then have enough left over for the run. But as soon as I was clipped in, that decision was made. It was go time.

Because I didn’t have any pacing or power targets, I ended up watching my heart rate most of all while out on the course, followed by my speed. My heart rate was shockingly high compared to the levels I was used to seeing during my training, which is predominantly spent in zone 2. But I knew that wasn’t necessarily a problem. The race was short enough that I could work at or above threshold for the whole thing. They call it a sprint for a reason, after all.

The other fun thing about a sprint is that passing someone on the bike leg is usually permanent. In a longer race, it can often be just the first of two meetings, the second of which being when they come back and smoke you on the run. But in a sprint, they are more likely to run out of road if you go full throttle on the bike. Since it was a wave start, I knew that passing people was not an entirely accurate representation of my place in the field. But it was motivating anyway. So I reeled in as many people as I could, and made sure that nobody passed me. The best part was passing those $6,000 tri bikes on my gravel bike with regular old drop bars.

As it turned out, I was glad to have my maple syrup on board. I took a couple hits, one partway through and one just before T2. It felt helpful, and made me realize that I would probably need more fuel than I had been thinking during my longer race in July.

The bike course covered, I had a clean dismount just at the line, and ran my bike in to the transition area again.

Official Bike Time: 25:45 (9.6 mi) – 22.4/mph 4/32 in age group; 18/414 overall

T2

T2 was my slowest performance on the day, relative to the field. I didn’t deliberately go slow, but I wasn’t rushing, either. I’m pretty particular about how my shoe lace-up feels, and that combined with the socks I use (which are not super easy to get on) probably accounted for my slow time. But I made it out on the run with everything I needed and feeling pretty good, so I wasn’t too worried about blitzing through T2.

Official time: 1:51 – 313/414 overall

Run

I expected to be running fast out of transition, having experienced that phenomenon before. Adrenaline is high and you are excited to just get going, and before you know it you’re running way faster than you expected. I checked my watch after a couple hundred yards and saw I was running close to 7:30 min/mi, which is very fast for me. For reference, I ran all of my sprints last year at around 9:00 min/mi. My first reaction was to feel like I needed to back off, slow down and find a more conservative pace, but then I remembered it was only 3.1 miles. I was able to hold a strong pace through the swim and bike, why not the run? Might as well go for it, and see how long I could hold it before I slowed down. The worst case was that my pace would slow for the back half of the race, but I knew I would finish no matter what. Go time continued.

I focused on my cadence through most of the run, trying to keep the rhythm even and high. That seems to be my key to running fast (such that “fast” is, for me), when I need to. If I think about ‘running fast,’ it’s harder to do, but if I just focus on my cadence, it’s easier for some reason.

The run was also a very flat course, with only a couple slight inclines, when my pace dipped closer to 8:00 min/mi. I was able to hold my cadence pretty well throughout. Two or three people passed me, including a 60+ year old woman and a kid, wearing the race t-shirt. Sigh. But overall I held my pace and I felt strong throughout.

By the time the last half-mile came around, I was starting to feel it, particularly in my hips and my abdominals. I was definitely on the edge, pushing to maintain the pace. There wasn’t much of anything left for a late surge, all I could do was hold what I had through the chute and over the finish line.

Official Run Time: 24:19 (3.1 mi) – 7:50/mi 11/32 in age group; 65/414 overall

Overall Results: Time: 1:03:55 5/32 in age group; 34/219 by gender; 36/414 overall

Post Race & Summary

The race venue had a lot of activities for kids, which was great for when my family arrived. There were at least three bouncy houses, plus a clown making balloon animals, and kid-friendly food. The food was great, and there was tons of it, all of it free as far as I could tell, at least for racers. It wasn’t just bananas and bagels, there was an entire sandwich buffet, flatbread pizza, Italian ice, all kinds of things. The only real negatives for me about the race organization and venue were parking and the lack of a professional race photographer (there were only official volunteers, who took substandard photos and whose coverage was incomplete). Otherwise, it was a well-organized and fun race on a decent course.

As far as my performance goes, I came away a little surprised and with a lot to think about. I had definitely underestimated my potential in the water and on the run. I really didn’t have any idea that I could swim or run that fast over any distance. Almost immediately, I started thinking ahead to July, and trying to sort out what that means for my 70.3. Obviously I won’t be racing at these speeds at that distance. But my personal bar has been raised, there’s no getting around that. Now I have the task of handling that knowledge without it infiltrating my head in a negative way. Expectations for a race are not usually helpful.

I tried to examine whether I could have gone any faster, any harder, improved in any area in order to jump to the 1st-3rd place podium from my 5th place spot. I would have had to be about 6 mins faster to do that. Certainly I was maxed on the swim. I don’t think I was at maximum capacity on the bike, but I was fairly close. The run didn’t have a whole lot of room to give, either. When I look at the actual times between 5th (me) and 3rd, here’s what I find:

PlaceSwimT1BikeT2RunTotal3rd8:202:2525:390:3521:0958:065th (me)8:493:1325:561:5124:191:03:55Difference:0:290:480:171:163:105:49

Clearly the majority of time lost was on the run. That isn’t surprising to me, since I’ve never been a fast runner. But I’m encouraged, because I’m way faster than I used to be. The next biggest deficit was T2, followed relatively closely by T1. The differences on the swim and the bike combined could be easily surmounted by improving just my transitions alone. Or I could have pushed a bit harder on the climbs (such as they were) on the bike and probably wiped out a lot of that time. But most of the improvement work to be done is clearly in my run.

Is this a microcosm of what I can expect at longer distance? It will be interesting to see how the ratios play out there. I’d also be interested in comparing these relative results to my results from last year’s sprints. That is, how much slower — relative to the field — was I in transition vs. the bike leg, or run leg. Maybe that will be a good subject for a future post. You can’t compare races 1:1, but I think you can get a sense of how the relative balance of everything plays out, and what that means for your skill set and fitness level. If nothing else, it’s an interesting diversion.

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