#3/9/21 10:29pm

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

2.25.24 SUNDAY

7:45 am

Angels, totally my phone is damage... Still, waiting for reply of Kuya R-Jay ( according to him ) he is a friend of Uncle Jun. I'm not sure as well if Kuya R-jay is genuine or not coz he is not replying or probably he is still sleeping.

Then, my ginger oil is missing here that I need to buy again, I feel bitter who took it here in my stuff??? I feel bad... It is expensive that oil... I will try to find it it is 100 pesos my skin is sensitive I need that oil that I need to buy again if someone took it here from my things...I have itchy and reddish spot I need that oil... I feel bad it is suddenly gone here...

Like the red heart cup of John plus his syrup are not yet here... Who took it?

I'm on a thrift angels, my ginger oil is gone here again in my stuff...

I'm not a bad person , I considered Uncle Jun a family member even Uncle DD even my nana but most specially both of my Uncle's ... Hoping that I can trust my Uncle's...

I don't have a job now plus I don't have a phone... I feel bad that someone is planning a bad thing on me again here...

8:02 am

I see it here angels this ginger oil, I see it on other pouch someone transferred it... But the RED HEART CUP AND SYRUP ARE CONFIRMED MISSING UNTIL NOW...

8:10 am

Last night as family here, we had a "Korean Noodles Night" I bought us all a 6 different kinds of Korean Noodles. I bought a 3 stainless bowl a Hello Kitty brand in Daiso. Hoping I can buy it all, in a lil while...

Last night we had a Korean Noodles with soup... We still have the fry noodles. I love eating it on my HELLO KITTY STAINLESS bowl.

It is my bowl that HELLO KITTY STAINLESS, hoping nobody will take it or steal it like the RED HEART CUP AND SYRUP OF JOHN... I will feel bad if someone will take my stuff...

8:21 am

So, hoping that Kuya or Bro. Gary will bring the new battery this noon so that Kuya R-jay can fix my phone according to him.

Remember angels our dead aspin but we truly loved her our Lalah, I took care of her but that Kuya Gary is the real owner of Lalah the aspin.

9:20 am

hmm Betsilogs is linking as well with Kuya R-Jay? hmmm... No malice but I texted Betsilogs ( my biological mother ) if she can make a follow-up on Kuya Gary about the battery coz according to Kuya R-Jay it needs a new battery.

I texted Betsilogs that I said my phone is damage and I don't have a phone now... She said bring it on the 2nd floor in Savemore...

9:36 am

Kuya R-Jay is not replying until now... is he still sleeping? I need a phone!!!! I will apply tomorrow... I need a phone angels!!!

12:03 noon

Waiting for battery Kuya R-Jay will just update me... I need a phone angels, I will apply tomorrow... I'm becoming so wasted...

1:29pm

My family is not helping at all on my phone issues now... Grrr... I need a phone by tomorrow I have to apply... Uncle DD is not yet helping us here on food... My savings are all gone, for my travels, my botox and my nose perfection. Supposed to be I will just share for the gasul or gas range gas but it went beyond then I'm out of fundings and still I can't buy a new phone...

My biological mother said she didn't know Kuya Gary but it is strange if she can't remember Kuya Gary...

4:04 pm

I have windblow and still having reddish spottish on my skin I think this is a bad spell coming from Conduent... But why???

This will go... My skin got some reddish then blackish if it healed then will just use Kojic and soap to fade it... Just relax, my heart is pure...

7:43 pm

I still have windblow... I feel frustrated in life... Thankful but this is not the actual life that I dream of or vision...

Anyways, we had again our " Super Spicy Korean Pancit" wow! the 3 of us got a runny nose. It is a big challenge to eat a Korean Pancit or Korean Noodles. So, sad I don't have a phone now it is damage... I have to repair it somewhere... It is good to put in Tik-Toks...

I wanna leave Cavite for good if I find someone who can lift me up...

Where is Mitch? Did she give me a "simple battery" for 17 years...

8:06 pm

My 2nd set of bleach is here and still I have faith in God... I have reddish,itchy and spottish that become blackish if its is healed. I got it in Conduent someone is able to put a bad curse or curse on good people like me...

Weird!

8:46 pm

Someone is calling outside, looking for Uncle Jun. He said he is a member of baranggay officer and George is calling Uncle Jun...

[eternvlblyss]

i never knew why i hesitated counting it as my “first time” and now it’s so clear why...

tw//sexual assault

“no” means “no,” but so does...

i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. i feel like since this pandemic happened, it’s allowed me to think a lot about my past, what i’ve been through, what i’ve achieved, and what broke me, because like, what else am i gonna do throughout my days lol 

so while i was scrolling through twitter late at night one time, i stumbled upon a thread, which i linked above. this person listed other phrases that also meant “no.” their intention with that was to bring awareness to what consent is and what the difference is between a solid “yes” and an unsure “yes.” for the longest time, i always thought when i had my supposed “first time,” it was my fault it happened and it was “consensual” because i didn’t exactly say “no.”

i remember vividly how it went, how i felt and what i said. it was nothing at all how i wanted my “first time” to be. i really blamed myself a lot for it and regretted it immediately after it happened. he was my coworker and for a while, i had this crush on him, but i never acted on it because we worked together. i didn’t want to make anything uncomfortable for me or him, so i never tried to pursue anything. he initiated everything; conversations, texting, and me having a crush on him, i went along with everything. he messaged me one day and sent me pics of cookie dough that he bought from the store, because at work, i would always tell him that i love to bake and cookies were my favorite dessert. he asked if i wanted to bake them together, of course i immediately said yes and went over. i was 20 at the time. i was young and i’m a late bloomer. i never had guys reach out to me first ever, so any attention that i got from a guy, i melted and fell head over heels for them. THAT, i learned to get over. men ain’t sh*t.

i literally didn’t think anything would come out of this, even though i had a slight crush on him. like i said, i didn’t want to make things complicated at work. so i went over to his house to bake cookies and hung out with him as friends, that was all i wanted to do. he even had one of his friends over and so i was just excited to chill, rather than be stuck at home alone studying for a quiz i had the next day. we baked the cookies and we were having such a great time. i even remember thinking that the way we were making a mess and having fun in the kitchen was similar to how it went in romcom movies. god was i so naive :/ 

so after we finished baking, we drank a little, smoked weed for a bit, as college students would, and i planned to sober up before i drove home. we talked for a while, but then he had to go and drop his friend off back to his place. that’s where i should’ve gotten up and said, “ok well i’ll just go home now too.” before i could even say anything, he told me, “can you wait here? i’ll be back in a few minutes it’ll be quick.” me, being so afraid to say “no” because i had this small crush on him, said “yes” and waited at his house all by myself.

there were so many moments where i knew i should’ve just gotten up and left the house. i wasn’t sober enough to drive and i think that’s why i didn’t leave, but i also had the option to text my best friends to come and pick me up, and i really, really wish i had done that ): i kick myself over it every time i think about it. the rest of the night was just not it. i never once said “yes” to wanting to do whatever he wanted. i wasn’t dressed in a way that people could argue and say that i gave off the wrong idea to him, because i was wearing jeans, a long sleeve shirt and a jacket over the long sleeve. the only fault i kept thinking about was that i didn’t say “no.”

what also made me think this was wrong was that, the condom had broke once, i told him to “stop” and that i was tired, but he kept asking and begging to keep going. i had told him to “stop” even before that, and yet, he didn’t listen to me. that’s when i gave up trying to say “no,” and i just said “fine.” i wanted to write this because the exact words i had said to him that night while it was happening were in that thread: “stop,” “maybe another time,” “i don’t want to do this anymore,” “i don’t think so,” and “not right now.”

i’m such a “yes” girl in general, and if i really wanted to do something, i will say “yes.” with something i don’t want to do, i can never get myself to fully say “no.” i’ll say things like those phrases, and it would insinuate that i don’t really want to do it. i know that can get me into trouble though so i do need to work on being more assertive and learn how to say “no.”

after it happened, i didn’t feel okay, i felt kind of empty and disappointed in myself. i clearly remember trying to rush out of his house, but he kept asking me to stay. i made up such a stupid excuse of saying “oh i gotta go study for my quiz,” when it was freakin 4am. i got into my car and i felt so ashamed of myself because that’s not at ALL what i expected to happen and the way it happened wasn’t who i am. i really felt like i was lost or i just wasn’t the same girl anymore, and that made me incredibly sad. i just wanted to bake cookies with my crush and instead, that happened. i thought he would get the hint, but i kept telling myself, “you didn’t say no alyssa, so how is he supposed to know you didn’t want to do that.” but like )’: i felt so empty.

it didn’t feel right to me at all, and at the time, i just never knew why it didn’t feel right. when i told my friends and cousins about it, the first thing they asked me was if it was consensual. i remember clearly how i answered and i knew i hesitated, but i told them "yes” it was, because i mean, i really didn’t say “no.” i thought that was the only reason why what had happened, qualified as me giving my consent. with my best friends, i was so scared of them asking me why didn’t i just say “no” if i didn’t want that to happen, because my answer would’ve been, “i was too afraid to.” i thought that wasn’t a good enough answer. i didn’t want them or anyone to be mad at me for being afraid to say “no,”  because if i had just said “no,” none of that would have happened right? it just felt like that was all society needed to know in order to consider it as sexual assault or not. i blocked that night out of my mind, brainwashed myself to think it was consensual, and that was my “first time.”

just last year, i finally stopped blaming myself for what happened because of others who came forward with their stories. i read similar stories to mine, and all this time, i thought me acting and feeling this way over something i conditioned myself to think was “consensual,” was stupid of me. i didn’t think i had the right to even feel like i was violated that night because social media made me believe that i was in the wrong when i didn’t fully and exactly say “no.” i thought no one was gonna be on my side or empathize with me because i didn’t say “no,” so there was no point in me feeling empty about it after all these years. but i now know that i shouldn’t feel like it was my fault. i knew there was a reason why i could never bring myself to talk about my “first time” so casually, and why i cringed at the memory of it. it was because i did not give my consent for it to happen and even when i tried saying “maybe another time” or “not right now” or even “stop,” he still didn’t listen to that. 

i’ve learned that there are people out there who are like me and struggle with saying "no,” especially in a situation like that. so if something similar happened to you, please understand that you are not in the wrong and it is not your fault. if you struggle with saying “no,” and haven’t given a solid “yes,” then you did not give your consent. people who cross that line and disregard it are perpetrators and they are in the wrong for not sensing that someone is uncomfortable. 

for years i kept thinking to myself “it was consensual because i didn’t tell him no, right?” but after seeing so many others experience the same situation as me, it’s clear now that i really tried to say “no” to him in ways that i was comfortable with. consent is so important. if it is not a solid “yes” then it is a “no.” “no” and any of those phrases in the thread does not mean try and coerce someone to change their mind or wear them down to the point where they feel like they have to say “yes,” it doesn’t work like that. consent is not negotiable.

[whatsk-poppinhomies]

♡ Synopsis : Being an intern at Hybe was a dream come true for you. It was simply a summer program where you got to experience and be a part of the behind the scenes work that pushed the artists to the top. Three months working with some of the biggest k-pop artists, it wasn’t a big deal, that is until Boo Seungkwan entered your life and you both began to question the Company Policy. (18+)

♡ Genre : Romantic Dramedy SMAU

♡ TW : occasional angst ; drama ; fluff ; suggestive ; TBA as time goes on

♡ Pairing : idol!Boo Seungkwan x coworker!F!Reader

♡ Schedule : Tuesdays & Thursdays

♡ Start Date : 20220812 End Date : 20221129

♡ Profiles 1♡ ♡ Profiles 2♡

♡ May 29th, 2020 {10:00PM} • Prologue

♡ June 1st, 2020 {7:00AM}

♡ June 2nd, 2020 {12:29PM}

♡ June 3rd, 2020 {1:46PM}

♡ June 4th, 2020 {8:19AM}

♡ June 5th, 2020 {6:03AM}

♡ June 8th, 2020 {3:58PM}

♡ June 9th, 2020 {1:09AM}

♡ June 10th, 2020 {4:15PM}

♡ June 12th, 2020 {11:26PM}

♡ June 14th, 2020 {2:19PM}

♡ June 14th, 2020 {4:52PM}

♡ June 18th, 2020 {12:45AM}

♡ June 19th, 2020 {3:29PM}

♡ June 20th, 2020 {11:17AM}

♡ June 22nd, 2020 {9:45AM}

♡ June 25th, 2020 {5:25PM}

♡ June 30th, 2020 {8:19PM}

♡ July 2nd, 2020 {6:38PM}

♡ July 4th, 2020 {11:11PM}

♡ July 7th, 2020 {7:15AM}

♡ July 8, 2020 {8:22PM}

♡ July 10, 2020 {4:12PM}

♡ July 13, 2020 {10:45PM}

♡ July 15, 2020 {7:34AM}

♡ July 21, 2020 {6:18PM}

♡ July 24, 2020 {9:27AM}

♡ July 29, 2020 {11:52PM}

♡ August 2, 2020 {5:23AM}

♡ August 11, 2020 {12:47PM}

♡ August 20, 2020 {9:43PM}

♡ September 15, 2022 {5:35PM}

~The End~

Message or Comment to be tagged 💙

[pesiko]

HAECHAN TIMESTAMP RECS

12:23am - he’s not tired

00:47 - a hot water bottle

2:04am - video gaming

2:22am - McDonald’s drive thru

4:26am - “you miss me?”

7:14am - holding your waist

7:20am - idiot

7:38am - strong immune system

7:48am - no pancakes for him

8:40am - morning in bed

8:46am - taste guessing

9:04am - strawberry chapstick

9:17am - good morning kiss

10:18am - luckiest girl in the world

10:56am - his koala

11:35am - his hoodie

11:44 - tiring being pretty

12:06pm - staring

12:18 - a library quest

1:00pm - left handed

1:03pm - number one customer

13:30 - basketball captain!Haechan

1:34pm - “stop looking at me like that”

13:58 - “catch me” ✿

14:06 - pudu

14:20 - “who said”

2:24pm - sitting in your bedroom

2:38pm - Thai food

14:46 - ice skating

14:50 - walking to class while napping

15:21 - “my friend thinks you’re cute”

3:11pm - red velvet’s rookie

3:43pm - chemistry partners

3:47pm - “finish your damn soup”

16:12 - study date turned date

4:16pm - spaghetti arms

16:27 - Hyuck

4:30pm - studying for finals

4:42pm - forgetting things at your place

5:21pm - self defense ✿

6:11pm - badboy!Donghyuck

6:34pm - palm readings

7:04pm - playing with his hair

7:59pm - stupid plant

8:29pm - sims

8:36pm - tasting your smile

20:42 - best friend Haechan

8:43pm - summer love!Donghyuck

9:54pm - tattoo

10:01pm - missing each other

10:29pm - “what was what” ✿

22:38 - “can you do that again?”

11:05pm - Nintendogs

11:12pm - bowling night

23:45 - iPod

23:45 - post it notes ✿

11:59pm - your turn

❥ HAECHAN NAVI

[main masterlist] [nct masterlist] updated 5-17-21

[walkerrenee]

‼️‼️‼️

Aristotle and Dante Dive into the Waters of the World SPOILERS under the cut:

hello, this is just a random post to document my reactions as i read the Ari and Dante sequel, it's not going to be interesting just me screaming mostly but i might spoil something so beware.

start time: 1:55pm (pacific time) 10/13/21

1:56 pm - i've read the first page and am already crying, this is going fantastic

1:57pm - "i'm already home. i'm with you"

no🤍

1:59 pm - "i love the rain more than anything." "i know. i want to be the rain." "you are the rain, Dante."

CRYING SCREAMING THROWING UP

2:29pm - i have a feeling i'm going to be crying everytime a character is crying

2:34pm - hahahhahaha not religion i haven't worked through my religious trauma yet help

3:02pm - sometimes i relate so much to Ari it feels like someone crawled into my brain to extract my deepest thoughts

4:02pm - they way they have to pretend to kiss makes me want to fling myself off a cliff (:

4:14pm - A POEM SHUT UP

5:40 pm - I WANT TO KEEP READING BUT IM FALLING ASLEEP

6:07pm - UPDATE i've obtained caffeine and ordered Dominoes we're back in business I WILL FINISH THIS BOOK ASAP

6:21 pm - someone be my very own dante quintana please im emo

6:39pm - they just met emma and i'm bawling so of course my dominoes driver pulls up at this exact moment

8:11pm - ok i'm really slacking on reading, i keep crying and i feel like something not very great is gonna happen and i'm scared i'm not mentally stable enough for all this

8:18pm - idk if dante calling ari "aristotle quintana" was just a typo or not but i loved it lmao (also if it is a typo it's the 2nd one i've noticed smh they should have hired me to proofread)

8:21pm - "i used to think that she wanted me to be someone else. but it wasn't her who wanted me to be someone else—it was me"

OKAY NO NEED TO CALL ME OUT WTF

8:25pm - NO I DONT LIKE HOW THEYRE TALKING ABOUT ARI'S DAD AND FUNERALS NOPE THIS BETTER NOT BE SOME SICK TWISTED FORESHADOWING I SWEAR TO GOD

8:43pm - "if we're lucky. if we're very lucky, the universe will send us the people we need to survive"

riGHT i had to take a break to sob my eyes out at this part <3

9:57pm - i have only just officially made it halfway through the book, too much crying not enough reading

10:49pm - ok i took a break to paint my nails but i'm officially back on my bullshit pt.2 let's go

10:55pm - "to imagine a future for ari and dante was a fantasy. i did't want to live my life in a fantasy. the world i wanted to live in didn't exist. and i was struggling to love the world i did live in. i wondered if i was strong enough or good enough to love a world that hates me."

IM 3 PAGES INTO THE SECOND HALF AND ONCE AGAIN SOBBING

11:11pm - "but, for me, to love was one thing. to let yourself be loved, well, that was the most difficult thing of all."

HAHAskfsjutdbgsardzrizurzufxbigstk

11:58 pm - "i wondered why people felt they could speak for god."

i have no words tbh

12:07am - he's really going to kill Jaime off isn't he? I CANT STAND THIS FUCK OFF HASNT THIS FAMILY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH I DONT CARE IF THIS IS HOW REAL LIFE IS IT SUCKS AND IM GOING TO CRY AND I HATE CRYING

12:18am - i mean i already knew bernardo was a piece of shit but god (also i'm glad the topic of the victim being transgender was handled better in this book, by ari mostly obviously. i hated how it was addressed and brushed aside in the first book.)

12:31am - alright i have work in the morning so i should probably sleep, i ended on dante saying the new year was going to be their best one ever so obviously in book language that means shit's about to hit the fan so i'll let future me suffer with that tomorrow (:

DAY 2

12:25pm - i am currently at work waiting for laundry to dry so i am ready for round 2

12:29pm - NO WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK YOU CANT JUST START THE CHAPTER ABOUT HOW HAPPY ARI IS AND HOW HIS MOM AND DAD LOVE NEW YEARS AND THEN FUCKING KILL HIS DAD IN THE SAME CHAPTER FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF

12:43pm - i hate it here i hate everything i haven't cried this hard in years whyyyyyyyg

2:30pm - WAIT A SECOND did he change ari's sisters names in the sequel? i literally just realized, i'm pretty sure he did, i dont have the first book by me atm but i'm almost positive. who tf let this get published like that im screaming

4:35pm - FUCK YOU DANTE I'LL KICK YOUR ASS I SWEAR TO GOD

4:43 pm- "he's not just some boy, mom. he's dante quintana."

SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE I'VE BEEN WOUNDED

5:02 pm - "i was going to ask you to marry me. but they won't let us do that. so i thought maybe it was best just to skip the wedding and get straight to the honeymoon." "have you decided where you'd take me?" "yes, i thought i'd take you to paris. we'll spend our time writing our names on the map of the city of love."

that's it. IVE FINISHED IT. and i'm crying and i loved it and i hated it and ari and dante grow old together in love and no one will convince me otherwise or take that away from me thank you very much. now i will live in a purgatory of numbness for the next week while i try and process this

[magic-multicolored-miracle]

30 questions tag game

Tagged by @joz-stankovich and @midnightseance. So thank you for the tags, my dears. 

1.      Name – Shye

2.      Gender – well, I guess, girl?

3.      Star Sign – Pisces

4.      Height – 5’2”

5.      Time – 11:29pm

6.      Birthday – March 12

7.      Favorite Bands – The Amazing Devil, Robert Hallow and the Holy Men, Larkin Poe, The Bangles, Abney Park, Frenchy and the Punk, Fermata, shall I carry on?

8.      Favorite Solo Artists – Eli August, Karliene, David Bowie

9.      Song Stuck in My Head – Dear Gina ~ Seanan McGuire (it’s a song “about a horror story that was never written.”)

10.  Last Movie – Geostorm

11.  Last Show – The Librarians

12.  When did I create this blog? – I think it was late Sept 2014 but I can’t totally remember

13.  What do I post? – everything, anything

14.  Last thing I googled? – how to display battery percentage on android phone

15.  Other blogs – the writing one, @the-novel-on-the-left and the study/lawblr one @one-heck-of-a-lawyer

16.  Do I get asks? – they come in waves and are usually from my friends but yes

17.  Why I chose this url? – long story, but mostly just I like it

18.  Following – 81

19.  Followers – 222 (a pleasing number. I like repetitions)

20.  Average hours of sleep – probably 7 or 8 actually, but because some days its 0 and some its 14

21.  Lucky Number – I feel good about the number 9

22.  Instruments – none

23.  What I’m wearing – pink tank top, galaxy-print pajama pants

24.  Dream Job – movie costume design/makeup. Or just like chief legal counsel somewhere that does some good?

25.  Dream Trip – every day I long more and more to go back to Dublin or Cardiff

26.  Favorite Food – Lemon bars, everything bagel with lox and cream cheese

27.  Nationality – American

28.  Favorite Song – Space Oddity ~ David Bowie

29.  Last Book I Read – Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant

30.  Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in – Middle Earth, Camelot, maybe the Firefly Verse?

tagging (if you want to play): @diegos-butt @belaptuous @exlibrisfangirl @fleetwood-matt @the-winter-witcher and anyone else who wants to play.

[gaysidneycrosby]

thaaank you for tagging me @profoundsbond

rules: answer 28 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

1. name/nickname: sierra (nicknames include CC, cecil, and spicy noodle which only my grandma calls me)

2. gender: dyke

3. star sign: aries

4. height: 5'0″

5. time: 2:29pm

6. birthday: april 18 ‘99

7. favorite bands/groups: hm i rlly like the amazing devil? 

8. favorite solo artists: hozier, regina spektor 

9. song stuck in my head: first day of my life by bright eyes

10. last movie: pride (2014)

11. last show: spn 

12. when did i create this blog: i think 2016? i remade and had this blog for like three days, but the first blog i had i started in i wanna say late 2011

13. what do i post: supernatural and also my random academia thoughts

14. last thing googled: “grad school personal statement examples”

15. other blogs: i do not have any!

16. do i get asks: fairly often, mostly when i’m going feral about a particular AU scenario (eg girls au or stoner cas destiel midwestern college au) or breaking down over musical theater

17. why i chose my url: because dean hates cops and so do i

18. following: 419

19. followers: my sexy little secret

20. average hours of sleep: depending on the night anywhere between 3 and 10. probably like...6 on average

21. lucky number: 13

22. Instruments: ukulele, guitar, piano, flute

23. what am i wearing: leggings and a very large sweater

24. dream job: i have a couple :) but i’d love to do like fact-checking and research for queer period films

25. dream trip: i’d love to go to wales or new zealand, or maybe russia

26. favorite food: i really enjoy salmon, also pasta. currently craving penne alla vodka

27. nationality: american 

28. favorite song: constantly changes but i know the end by phoebe bridgers has been living in my head pretty rent-free

29. last book read: radio silence by alice oseman

30. top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: hmmm doctor who star trek and whatever the fuck is going on in the tale of desperaux

i am definitely not tagging 20 people but i’ll try and think of like. 5. uh okay @pietacastiel @sunforgrace @plantdadcas @demoncas @good-things-do-happen-dean

[chelsfic]

** 30 questions tag game**

Tagged by @sinaesthete!!! Thanks this one is interesting. Also, love to learn more about my favorite cave-dwelling cryptid.

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you're contractually obligated to know better

Tagging ONLY IF YOU WISH: @1zashreena1 @safetyhazardfics @upstartcrow42 @jujubeas @smuggsy and whoever would like to participate. 

1. Name/Nickname: Chels (Chelsea)

2. Gender: female

3. Star sign: aries (I don’t know all the fancy moon and rising and whatevers)

4. Height: 5′1″ 😭

5. Time: 7:29pm

6. Birthday: april 7

7. Favorite bands: Um. Listen I’m not great at like keeping up with music. I just find songs that I like. I like Guster and Fleetwood Mac. And Flight of the Conchords if I’m allowed to include comedy bands lol.

8. Favorite solo artists: Matt Berry, Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles

9. Song stuck in your head: I mean I guess “King of Anything” because I just thought about Sara Bareilles.

10. Last movie: Dashing in December loll

11. Last show: Great British Bake Off

12. When i did create this blog: 2010

13. What i post: mostly What We Do in the Shadows, Harvey Guillén and goofs

14. Last thing i googled: El Cine LA

15. Other blogs: @harveyguillensource

16. Do i get asks: sometimes.

17. Why i chose my url: Um. It’s my name and I write fic. 

18. Following: 713

19. Followers: 1.291??? Not a single one of them getting the content they want from me, I’m sure.

20. Average hours of sleep: 6-8ish

21. Lucky number: 4

22. Instruments: I really want to learn to play the clarinet lol

23. What im wearing: jeans, “Guillermo the Vampire Slayer” t-shirt, grey hoodie.

24. Dream job: I actually DO have a dream job: It’s Harvey Guillén’s fulltime makeup or hair artist. MIND YOU. I know nothing about make up or hair. 

25. Dream trip: Jane Austen Centre, Bath. I’m a simple bitch.

26. Favorite food: It is definitely macaroni and cheese. Again: simple bitch.

27. Nationality: American (grimace)

28. Favorite song: Landslide by Fleetwood Mac AND Sweet Child ‘o’ Mine by Guns n Roses

29. Last book: Under the Rainbow by Celia Laskey

30. Top 3 fictional universes i wanna live in: What We Do in the Shadows (hell yes), Outlander (heck!), His Dark Materials (only so I can have a daemon)

[womenfindaway]

tag people you’d like to know better some questions may be ‘ ??? ’ instead of answered

01.    nickname: bayls, bay, papaya 02.    real name: bayley 04.    height: 5′8″ 05.    what time is it: 12:29pm 06.    favorite musicians/groups: st.vincent, janelle monae, charli xcx, florence + the machine, soundboard fiction 07.    favorite sports team:  i hate that i still love the dolphins 08.    other blogs: just my personal one i can’t even remember the password to​ 09.    do i get asks?: i’ve been getting more lately bc some really sweet babes have been spamming me <3 <3 <3 10.    how many blogs do i follow?:  69 haha nice 11.    any tumblr crushes: mayhaps 12.    lucky number: i honestly don’t know  13.    what am i wearing right now?: torn up, paint covered clothing bc i’m supposed to be cleaning some 14.    dream vacation: take me back to irelaaaaaand 15.    dream car:  i have really been wanting like. huge douchebag truck or a jeep lately lmao 16.    favorite food: you can never go wrong with waffles 17.    drink of choice: overly sweet coffees. coconut rum and coke for alcohol drinks 18.    languages: english, i know a few words of irish too 19.    instruments: i am not musically talented 20.    celebrity crushes: once again, i am julie gonzalo’s whore. but also katie mcgrath, juliana harkavy, katrina law, kate mckinnon 21.    random fact: I was engaged for like a week when i was 18/19 after dating for 3(?) years. that relationship did not last long after that

Tagged by: @paragon-of-hxpe

Tagging: @auxcourant @forthewinn @ceolenaluthor @el--mayara and anyone elseeeee

[yangchans]

Masterlist

Blurbs

Chan

{12:38am}

{1:46am}

{7:34am}

{11:01am}

{4:47pm}

{7:17am}

{11:50am}

{2:53am}

{3:58pm}

Minho

{2:39am}

{3:39pm}

Changbin

{10:40pm}

{5:20pm}

{12:47am}

{9:24am}

Hyunjin

{6:23pm}

{9:22pm}

{2:07am}

{12:00am}

{10:09pm}

Jisung

{8:57 am}

{7:04pm}

{12:45pm}

{3:29am}

{12:02am}

Felix

{11:29pm}

{5:59pm}

{3:15am}

{3:33pm}

Seungmin

{1:21 am}

{8:12pm}

{1:26pm}

{3:09pm}

{1:59pm}

Jeongin

{11:09am}

{10:47pm}

Reactions

You fall asleep on them

You show off your new braces

You have them as your lockscreen/wallpaper

MTLs

To like an s/o who makes dumb puns/jokes

[fightingorcavingintodepression]

1/16/17 5:17 pm

I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.

I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.

Kill me.

1/20/17

I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.

Please let me die in an accident.

10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.

1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm

I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.

1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm

I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.

2/16 4:29pm

I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.

I hit myself again this morning in the shower.

2/17 12:18am

I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.

2/20 12:33pm

I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.

1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)

2/21 12:31pm

Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.

2/24 11:52am

It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.

2/28 12:15 pm

In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything

3/13 12:48pm

I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.

3/20 4:39am

Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day

3/22 6:14pm

Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.

3/24 10:44am

I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.

I want to die.

3/25 5:02pm

Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.

3/27 1:41am

I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.

3/30 8pm

I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake

3/31 6:38

Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.

4/6 1:12pm

Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.

4/7 1:36pm

It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.

4/17 10:21am

So overwhelmed.

4/19 9:08am

Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.

6/1 11:02am Thursday

Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.

6/25 2:15am

Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.

6/27 12:40pm

Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.

6/28 3:06pm

Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues

7/14 12:50pm

JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa

7/18 3:28am Tuesday

I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.

7/20 1:59pm

Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....

Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.

I really hate myself.

I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.

7/31 9:04pm

In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.

9/5 11:42am

Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.

9/21 10:02am

Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.

10/18 9:52am

Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.

10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm

Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~

11/1 2:16 pm

In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.

11/16 9:14am Thursday

Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.

12/5/17 2:36pm

It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.

1/14/18 11:27pm

I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.

1/22/18 3:10am

Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.

1/23/18 12:30am

I’m pathetic at work.

2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday

Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).

2/5/18 11:52am

Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.

5/7/18 Monday 8:59am

On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.

5/7/18 Monday 11:21am

Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.

5/10/18 1:02pm

Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....

All the work before I did is basically useless.

Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.

Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.

5/23 5:12pm

Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get

5/25 Friday 11:27am

Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.

I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good

5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself

5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work

At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.

6/12 10:59am Tuesday

Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.

6/24 Monday 10:46am

I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.

7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm

I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed

7/9 Monday 12:15am

This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.

7/22 Sunday 1am

Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.

- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.

Thursday 7/26 2:54pm

First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.

Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊

How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.

Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.

8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am

On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.

I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.

Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.

5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.

9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am

Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.

9/20 Thursday 11:05am

Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.

Animal crossing

Love Nicky

Clash royal

Good fantasy

9/26 11:53am

On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety

1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE

2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL

3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON

4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow

5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)

6. Plan to drive home after show

Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me

10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm

I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.

10/4 Thursday 1:24pm

On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.

11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm

Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.

Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.

QA

Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.

Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?

Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)

11/29 Thursday 9:25am

Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.

12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm

Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.

2/18 10:02am

On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.

Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.

2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm

Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.

It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat

[pesiko]

JAEMIN TIMESTAMP RECS

1:21am - can’t sleep

1:27am - kryptonite

1:28am - slow dancing

1:54am - burnt cookies

2:01am - letter

7:20am - he likes black coffee ✿

8:09am - admiring him

8:28am - protective best friend

9:12am - squishing your cheeks

9:14am - stroll through the park

09:15 - spotify

9:48am - crazy dream

10:32 - cake

10:37am - making his coffee

11:29pm - seven minutes in heaven

12:03 - apple cube

12:12 - “sorry I didn’t kiss you”, angst

12:18 - “don’t be sorry”

12:27pm - skateboarder!Jaemin

12:28pm - embarrassing you

13:25 - mafia dad Jaemin

1:43pm - bracelet

14:23 - notes in lockers

2:34pm - important question

2:38pm - goodbye kiss

2:41pm - strawberry lip balm

3:41pm - Jaemin time

4:11pm - Rock Paper Scissors

17:15pm - old fashioned dating

5:24pm - toothy, lopsided grin

6:21pm - lockscreen

18:22 - boo boo

6:30pm - “different time different place”

6:43pm - blush

18:58 - vampire!Jaemin

7:04pm - dog attack

7:27pm - lady n the tramp scene

8:36pm - your audience

9:35pm - chapped lips ✿

22:28 - “their dream kiss”

10:58pm - broken heater

10:59pm - getting home

11:42pm - dog competition ✿

11:56pm - getting home safely

6:20pm & 12:56pm & 2:46pm - badboy!Jaemin

5:33pm & 12:14pm - team captain!Jaemin

❥ JAEMIN NAVI

[main masterlist] [nct masterlist] updated 5-17-21

[adventurerocketship]

Adventure Rocketship! playlist for Tuesday 09/11/18

Adventure Rocketship! (advrs167) 09/11/18 from 9-11pm on Valley Free Radio WXOJ-LP 103.3fm Northampton MA and streaming at valleyfreeradio.org

09:00PM (10:56) Ride “Grasshopper” from Leave Them All Behind EP (1992) on Creation (UK)

09:07PM (3:29) The Beths “Happy Unhappy” from Future Me Hates Me (2018) on Carpark Records (US)

09:10PM (4:10) Blueprint Blue “Tourist” from Tourist - Single (2018) on Blueprint Blue (UK)

09:14PM (2:43) Black Box Recorder “Girl Singing in the Wreckage” from England Made Me (1998) on Chrysalis Records (UK)

09:17PM (3:09) Buzzcocks “Harmony in My Head” from Operators Manual (Buzzcocks Best) (1979) on Domino Recording Co(UK)

09:20PM (3:32) The Radio Dept. “Heaven’s On Fire” from Clinging to a Scheme (2010) on Labrador (Sweden)

09:25PM (4:00) The Holydrug Couple “Forever End” from Hyper Super Mega (2018) on Sacred Bones Records (US)

09:29PM (3:22) Sister Vanilla “The two of us” from Little Pop Rock (2007) on Chemikal Underground Records (US)

09:32PM (2:39) Young Scum “Sloth” from Young Scum (2018) on no label (US)

09:35PM (2:57) Meat Puppets “Get on Down” from Mirage (1987) on SST Records (US)

09:38PM (4:16) The Mighty Lemon Drops “Hypnotised” from Happy Head (1986) on Sire (US)

09:44PM (2:18) The Monochrome Set “The Monochrome Set” from The Monochrome Set - single (1979) on Rough Trade (UK)

09:46PM (2:45) The Monochrome Set “The Lighter Side of Dating” from Strange Boutique (1980) on Dindisc (UK)

09:49PM (4:23) Passionate Friends “What's the Odds?” from Time Bandits 7" single (1983) on Tenement Tunes (UK)

09:54PM (3:41) En Attendant Ana “The Violence Inside” from Lost and Found (2018) on Trouble In Mind Records (US)

09:57PM (2:55) The Cry “Starting Again” from Starting Again - Single (2018) on Nwx

10:00PM (4:09) Unrest “West Coast Love Affair” from Perfect Teeth (1993) on 4AD (UK)

10:06PM (2:51) Nuevos Hobbies “Borraría todo lo tuyo” from Palmeras (2018) on Pretty Olivia Records (Spain)

10:09PM (3:19) Why Bonnie “Hollow Moon” from Nightgown - EP (2018) on Sports Day Records (UK)

10:13PM (2:56) Massage “Kevin's Coming Over” from Oh Boy (2018) on Tear Jerk Records (Australia)

10:16PM (2:28) Neleonard “Coger Frío” from Las Causas Perdidas (2018) on Elefant Records (Spain)

10:18PM (5:58) Cave “San' Yago” from Allways (2018) on Drag City (US)

10:25PM (3:16) The Bongos “Bulrushes” from Drums Along the Hudson (1982) on PVC (US)

10:29PM (2:49) Jupiter Sun “Violet Intertwine” from Why Popstars Can't Dance comp. (1994) on Slumberland (US)

10:31PM (3:00) The Housemartins “Drop Down Dead (John Peel 21/07/85)” from The Housemartins: Live At the BBC (2006) on UMC (Universal Music Catalogue) (UK)

10:34PM (5:13) Able Tasmans “The Theory of Continual Disappointment” from Hey Spinner! (1990) on Flying Nun Records (New Zealand)

10:40PM (6:08) JJUUJJUU “Camo” from Zionic Mud (2018) on Dine Alone Records (US)

10:46PM (5:39) Jupiter “Lost” from Arum (1992) on Summershine (Australia)

10:52PM (7:28) Wooden Shjips “staring at the Sun” from V. (2018) on Thrill Jockey Records (US)

[torterragarden]

Hey it’s another one of those tag memes and I was tagged by @unamused-kookaburra (thanks yo!)

1.) Nicknames - Every friend has like five different nicknames for me tbh so idk 2.) Gender - Partially a woman and partially agender 3.) Star sign - Aries 4.) Height - I’m not sure, but it’s pretty average 5.) Time - 10:29pm 6.) Birthday - 30th of March 7.) Favorite band - Idk if they count as a band but Dreamcatcher owns this ass 8.) Favorite solo artist - Marina and the Diamonds 9.) Song stuck in my head - Chase Me by Dreamcatcher 10.) Last movie you watched - Black Panther 11.) Last show you watched - Pretty sure it was B99 12.) When did I create my blog - I think in 2014, I don’t remember 13.) What do I post - What don’t I post is a better question 14) Last thing I googled - Idk 15.) Do you have other blogs - Yep I run @jaeheekangisimportant and @yoosungkimsfeelingsarejustified don’t ask me why I thought it was a good idea to have two MM blogs I really don’t know either it just kind of happened. I also run @incorrectmortalkombat with my friend though we’re not very active on it Also I have a lot of urls I’m hoarding for no real reason 17.) Why did you choose your url - I love Mortal Kombat and specifically Cassie Cage, and at the time I chose that url her Hollywood variation was my favorite (like a week later I realized that I like Brawler more but oh well) 18.) Following - 739 19.) Followers - 680 on my main 20.) Favorite colors - Pink, red, green, grey/silver, gold 21.) Average hours of sleep - HA 22.) Lucky number(s) - Don’t have any 23.) Instruments I played - Violin 24.) What am I wearing - Pajamas 25.) How many blankets I sleep with - 2 minimum 26.) Dream job - A writer, though if I must be realistic either an editor in a publishing house or maybe an architect 27.) Dream trip - Somewhere cold like Estonia or Iceland. I like snow and cold weather lmao. Technically I have been to Iceland but I never left the airport, it was just a stopover on my way to Sweden 28.) Favorite food - Can’t think of one 29.) Nationality - Canadian 30.) Favorite song - Anything Dreamcatcher releases is my favorite song 

I tag @pescado-diabolico, @cannibalisticskittles, @flightless-birb@10yearbazooka, @witchtimez, @aliosaur, @saintdeanthomas, @laggage @reddieeddiespaghetti, @confnded if y’all want to that is. Also anyone else who wants to do this is welcome to do it and tag me in it

[pesiko]

JAEBEOM TIMESTAMP RECS

12:19am - lay your head on me

12:23am - falling star

1:06am - suggestive, “enough of you”

01:58 - you can’t sleep without him

01:59 - inspiration

2:23am - too cold

5:33am - sunrise

8:17am - hearty breakfast

2:29pm - “wish I was him”

3:57pm - tattoo shop, M

4:32pm - he puts paint on your nose

4:38pm - he falls asleep in your lap

6:59pm - he drives

9:52pm - barista, “give me your phone”

10:29pm - “why the tears, Princess?”

❥ JAEBEOM NAVI

[main masterlist] [got7 masterlist] updated (5-9-21)