#2nd week - In a class that is already stressful enough for me and teacher gets mad at me for using accommodations. i try to explain to her

[funkypurpleradiohost]

Why the fuck are they making updating my disability accommodations so long. I cant fucking get like any work done and like the earliest I can schedule a meeting to update the accommodations is more than a week away. It's only been a few weeks and I'm so behind because certain teachers refuse to adhere to my accommodations because they are being so fucking pedantic about the wording in the updated policies.

[lace-coffin]

OKAY OKAY, I swear I’ll stop requesting Asa Emory, (never 😔) but I js thought abt this, okay so what about a police officer, that has 2 jobs, 1: police officer trying to find the murderer, ‘Asa Emory’ but the 2nd job is like teaching in a class in the same building Asa teaches in 👀?

How would Asa Emory react to a co-worker leading his cop case? (Nsfw)

Asa Emory x Police!Gn!Reader (Nsfw)

Requests are open!

This dynamic really reminds me off Mark Hoffman and Peter Strahm and I love it, I’m fixating on saw so hard right now so I’m excited to write this!

You had to die. There was no other way around it. If Asa wasn’t already stressed out enough with his collection then he definitely was now. You were like a moth to a lamp, moving wherever he did despite his best efforts to shake you off, always finding your way back to him. Usually he adored moths but you’re a different story.

with the kind of ‘extracurricular’ work Asa did cops were a given, the threat of being discovered always hovering over him like flies to putrid meat. He could handle that, people were going missing all over the city and never turning back up, and if they did somehow make a reappearance they hardly resembled humans at that point. He was used to it, no skin off his back.

However when it interfered with his teaching work..this unnerved him. Here he was supposed to be Mr.Emory, unremarkable and flying under the radar, at most people may think of him as “that one kind of quiet entomology lecturer” some people may consider entomology a weird major to choose but that was neither here nor there, if anything Asa was glad it drew in the more reserved types.

It had been quiet until you began working in the same building, he had no idea what you taught, he just knew you worked in the class next door, and that you worked part time as a cop. That was enough for him to avoid you like the plague. Realistically it probably wouldn’t hurt to just introduce himself but he’s not taking the risk.

Unfortunately you didn’t seem to get the memo, too friendly for your own good he supposed. After a week of classes you finally introduced yourself in the staff lounge. Asa couldn’t brush you off or bolt here, not wanting to disrupt or cause a scene amongst the other teachers. It’s almost like you did it on purpose. He swore he had seen an almost sadistic glee behind your eyes as the realisation dawned on him.

Still, he couldn’t find it in him to be upset even after you’d put him on the spot. It felt odd to be the one squirming on the other end, Asa was used to making his projects uncomfortable, not the other way around. It awakened something in him, the way you ushered him over to the staff sofa, prompting him to introduce himself to the other teachers expectantly, making a point of leaving to make you both a coffee, by proxy leaving Asa the centre of focus to these strangers.

Asa’s face was heating up despite his best efforts to calm his breathing, he had wanted to stay a nobody here, now he was on a first name basis with half the staff, brilliant. You throw Asa a knowing look whilst waiting for the styrofoam cup to fill, confusing him even more.

None of this was a coincidence for you, having been working on “The Collector” case for months. Even transferring uni to here was carefully timed, down to the classroom you would be working in. All missing people had records of using a pest control service weeks or months before their abduction. That was the first lead, tracking down said services and requesting them, seeing who turned up and if they were suspicious. It was difficult considering multiple people worked for the company and were sent out in groups, but sure enough one person always snuck off when they thought no one was looking.

You took inventory of the number plate on the van he arrived in and bid them goodbye. It was easy enough going through insurance records and finding the owner of the van. “Asa Emory?”

Considering the unique name it was easy to find information on him, as little as there had been. An article from a few decades ago about a family slaughtered by their father in cold blood, stuffed and sat at the dinner table. The only survivor in the massacre was a young boy, the article didn’t give a first name but did mention the man arrested was an Emory. your eyebrows rose in interest as you read further, the father had worked at a museum, pinning and creating taxidermy out of insects as a licensed entomologist. Supposedly he’d already had some issues leading up to the event but being exposed to the chemicals of the job is believed to have sent him insane.

That would definitely make sense that Asa worked as pest control if his dad had been an entomologist. The only other relevant information was a link to a “meet the tutors” page at a university about an hour from you. The page boasted its unique courses and top of the state tutors. After flittering through the pictures and descriptions for a few minutes sure enough the man who owned the van showed up. Also an entomologist. You deemed this enough reason to investigate.

After months of trailing this guy you knew his routine, you also knew he didn’t stay home long after a class, only being home for an hour or two before leaving in a different car. The location of his after work activities varied but more often than not he ended up at a dilapidated hotel.

Meanwhile in the present day you’d made yourself somewhat of a nuisance to the mystery man, always managing to corner him in the teachers lounge even if he only visited for a few minuets to grab a timetable. It all came to a head when you asked him out for coffee, Asa glanced around to the other teachers at the table and practically shrank behind his turtle neck, he couldn’t make himself look rude or cold in front of his co-workers, he didn’t need a reason for them to deem him an outcast. Asa coughed awkwardly and agreed as neutrally as he could, sending you a quick glare, not knowing what it is you want with him. Meanwhile you looked like the cat who had gotten the cream.

The coffee outing was..fine. Asa answering questions about his personal life as plainly as he could and you pressing despite him being visibly pissed off just to watch him struggle. He should be annoyed, disgusted even at your lack of tact, but at the same time it made his heart race, his face flush deeply, a feeling he never really reserved much time for stirring deep in his gut. He’d had to imagine unsexy things multiple times and will it away before the end of the date. It’s almost like you could tell regardless, pressing and laughing as he stumbled over answers.

Despite how conflicted Asa felt and how desperate and uncomfortable he was when you pried and taunted him for being shut off he agreed to see you again, and a handful of other times. He knew better than anyone else you were a cop and most likely trying to dig and find something on him, but it always ended up being the least of his concerns as you laughed on the other side of the booth at a joke he made, making him feel human again for a moment. He was a glutton for punishment, knowing you were getting way to close to him personally for his secret to be safe anymore but still turning up every week to feel the shame and adoration flood his veins.

Against Asa’s better judgment he had agreed to move from coffee to alcohol, not his smartest move but god were you convincing, all pretty lips and sweet words. Surprisingly to no one it ended in a messy clash of teeth and tongue in the dingy alley behind the bar, one too many drinks finally making the tension between the two of you boil over. Asa groaned as you panted into his mouth, pinning his hands to the grimy brick wall behind him. You lean in close, mouth tracing the shell of his ear before nipping at the lobe. A cold steely feeling envelopes his wrist, tearing his eyes open he sees his now cuffed hands. Before he can even start to wrestle you off you lean back in, spare hand rubbing between his thighs.

“You have the right to remain silent.”

[pixiedoodlein]

10 days until school and I’m no more decided than I was a week ago. I flip flop ten times day about what might be best. A is sick of hearing me talk about it. He doesn’t disagree with my risk assessment but he is sick of talking about it.

It caused an issue with his friend, a friend who is his best friend and is unvaccinated and works in a jail. Months ago we told friend he could only visit (this place is their boyhood dream) once he’s vaccinated. Friend typically believes in science and is very health conscious but his gf is a moron Trump lover and her family the same and that’s who he’s been spending all his time with since this all started. When I asked friend why he’s not vaccinated he said he’s young & healthy, didn’t trust the vaccines, would do it when they got full fda approval. Plenty of young healthy people are dead of this. Anyway then I asked ok so what if you give it to someone who isn’t and dies, people incarcerated in the jail he works in and don’t have the luxury of social distancing, and he was like eh whatever. So yes friend is an asshole, but his best friend for decades, friend has always been kind of an asshole but has many redeeming qualities too. So we said no visit. But then in July when there was no covid here and no covid where he lives and we were blissfully living our covid free lives we loosened up and said he could visit with two negative tests. But then covid got bad again and when asshole friend contacted A the other day to say he took time off in late Sept to visit, A said sorry, it’s fully fda approved now you have no excuses not to vaccinate, we’re worried about our unvaccinated kids, and as of now you can’t visit but hey maybe if you get vaccinated and the numbers look better we can reassess in a month and you can come. Friend was a total dick about it, didn’t understand our point of view at all, stressed A about it, who was in a bad mood about it for days afterward.

Then there’s the neighbors. I had a chat with the kids and a chat with the mom. I framed it as we love them so much and I know they’re careful but I think we should all be more careful while the numbers are so rising (aka only outdoor hangouts) and we are careful but I’ve heard terrifying stories from doctor friends about kids and babies getting very sick, and they have a baby who I don’t want us to make sick, and she said she agreed. The kids have been pretty good about making the adjustment from constant sleepovers to playing outside but M keeps asking me “the kids need to pee are they allowed to use the bathroom, the kids are hungry are they allowed to come inside even for one minute for a snack,” and I feel like the villain (I’ve been saying yes to pee, snacks I’ll bring out). Everyone’s been understanding but nobody is getting what I mean when I say only outdoor socializing. All the kids keep asking me when I’ll take them to town again for ice cream, “but it’s outside” (um yeah but the car’s not), asking their mom to ask me for sleepovers even though they know what the answer will be. The other day they were playing in our yard then it started raining and they were like “we can’t walk home in the rain”- I don’t want them to walk home in the rain, but again the car is indoors!- so I drove them home (but made M stay at our house). They’re not my kids so I can’t make them wear masks and it feels like now I am in the position of being the mean parent who’s psycho about covid, which in a way I am, but it would help me to stick to my guns and feel okay about sticking to them if the government policies matched the severity of the situation, ie mask mandates in public places (instead of stores posting polite recommendations), vaccine mandates, virtual learning options, etc.

Which brings me to school. After selling M hard on real school, then I sold her hard on home school. She already “did” 3rd grade last year (as much as me teaching her in my pajamas counts as doing), but this district has an earlier cut off than the city, so she’s in 3rd grade again here. Which is fine by me- her birthday is the same day as the very late nyc cut off (12/31) and I hated that she was the absolute youngest. I used to beg the school to hold her back and they’d say “but why she’s doing so well!” not understanding that I was thinking ahead to the teen years. But anyway, despite her haphazard pj’d professor, she seemed to learn a lot last year so homeschool this year could basically be unschool. She’d traipse around the forest identifying birds and trees with A and her brother, reading for pleasure, and I’d spend an hour here and there reviewing some worksheets with her so she’d be on track when she starts real school after she gets vaccinated. She was into the idea, until she found out she and one of the neighbor kids are in the same class. Now she absolutely wants to go to real school, AND ride the school bus. The school bus part makes me very nervous. While there is now a school mask mandate (but will it be enforced? what are their lunch procedures, what % of teachers are vaccinated, what % of the older kids in the same building as the little kids are vaccinated, did they actually really update their ventilation system?) and a bus mask rule, it’s a long rural route (15 min drive or 45 min bus) and I have no faith that bus windows will be open and all riders will be masked the whole time.

So just tell her she can go to school but has to be driven by a parent, right? Not so simple. I was offered a job at a (somewhat, commuting distance) nearby nonprofit- an easy low stress job in a bastion of liberalism with very very nice smart coworkers, excellent work life balance, a writing job that sounds made for me, like the job description is exactly what I would put together if I were putting together my dream job (except the pay, which is half what I was making at a fancy DC nonprofit, but high for this area, and our housing cost is half so it should be fine if A can get away from little guy long enough to bring in some money too). It’s mostly remote but approx one day a week in the office and some days there will be things I need to attend out in the community (not necessarily our community, they serve the whole region). It won’t always be the same day in the office and the office is an hour away- so on those days A would have no car to get her to and from school, since I’d need to leave before school starts and get home after it’s done. So I guess we need to buy a new car? Aside from this issue we really don’t need a second car now, were planning to get one eventually, but not until A’s business has enough projects to justify the cost.

Despite its many demands/challenges/ stressors, home school is sounding easier to me at this point (especially because she already did this grade), except she WANTS to go to school. Someone talk me out of putting some lipstick and a pantsuit on her and taking her to get vaccinated. I know, I know: the 5-11 dosage is 1/3 of the 12-adult dosage. The doctors I’ve spoken to are split on this hypothetical kamikaze mission. The doctors I’ve spoken to are also split on me and A going to a pharmacy now for booster. It’s been almost 6 months since our 2nd dose. We do not have compromised immune systems. This county has way more doses than demand and I would feel better sending M to school (bus or not) if we had our boosters and she had a first dose- moral and scientific quandaries aside- because there is A LOT of covid here now, a lot of covid everywhere now, and I feel like we are returning to regular life at the time when we should be most hunkered down.

Which brings me to the data. Per capita there are as many known cases here as in nyc, except nyc has a 50% higher vax rate, much more mask usage, better medical system. People are not getting enough tests here, there is a higher positivity rate, and so I think the actual number of cases is much higher than the reported number of cases. It seems like, friends here and in the city and in the suburbs (I just broke up with a friend in the suburbs because she professes to be a good democrat but is hosting a bonafide super spreader event and vacationing in a place with 39% positivity and a collapsed health care system), are thinking of covid as something you catch from strangers- they wear masks in stores- but aren’t careful at all around close friends and family (so many extended family gatherings, so many, cousins and grandparents and half-siblings and aunts and uncles and whoever), when this is a disease that kills via the people you love most, the ones who’d never intentionally hurt you.

[thejosh1980]

I was lookin' back to see if she was lookin' back...

Yesterday Alex, Mum and I celebrated...

It's been one year since Alex and I arrived at Mum's place in Ocean Shores, NSW Australia.

If you've read my earlier blogs in 2020, you'll know that we had a lot of trouble getting home. Between the government and airlines, at one point it looked like we'd never get here; we were stranded. I was living in constant worry, stress and hopelessness - in fact, we all were: Alex's family in Germany and Mum's family down under.

Our July 2020 flights were cancelled or rescheduled many times, and eventually we decided to buy new, more expensive flights, on another airline through an agency, which gave us some assurances we'd be on the flight. Our new flights booked and confirmed for early September.

We flew Frankfurt to Adelaide, which was not our original plan. Adelaide had no COVID, and the chance of getting on a flight and getting into the country was higher than say, Brisbane, or Sydney. We could quarantine in Adelaide for 2 weeks and then fly on to Brisbane, which is closer to Ocean Shores.

That was like.... so last year...

This area where we now live is known as the Northern Rivers of New South Wales, and when we arrived at Mum's there was no COVID in the area. We are only about 35 minutes south of the Queensland border, about 8 hours north of the big smoke, Sydney.

Now, a year on, COVID has arrived here.

It's been biting at the heals of tourists and essential workers travelling north since Sydney went into lockdown a couple of months ago.

It's not our idea of a good time.

Right now it's school holidays, which is meant to be 2 weeks of families holidaying in caravan parks and hotels, an essential part of this tourist attraction mecca. Byron Bay, Brunswick Heads, and surrounds are usually very popular places; so popular that most locals complain about how busy it gets here during the holidays. You just can't get a parking sport anywhere!

The Northern Rivers was locked down for about 6 weeks through August into September because cases from Sydney were getting into regional NSW. These regional areas affected by COVID weren't near here, but they made a blanket rule for everywhere outside of Sydney, just to be on the safe side.

Honestly, I don't blame them for the rule, regional outback Australia can't cope with COVID, there's few hospitals, beds, or COVID experience in the scrub and farm land.

Anyhow, I digress...

After those 6 weeks or so in lockdown, they lifted the restrictions here in the northern rivers (and other areas of NSW).

And now, after 2 weeks, lockdown is back on...

There are a couple of cases in the area. Snap lockdowns are the government's preferred method of containing outbreaks. Lockdown areas wherever cases pop up for a week or two (or longer) to limit exposure.

It reminds me constantly that life can change quickly at any time. I have decided I will not waste time once this current lockdown has ended (who knows when that will be). I will visit friends, family, and musicians who live close by. I want to see as many folks as quickly as possible, before another lockdown kicks in.

Besides the boring, never ending tale of COVID, there have been a few things happening this past year...

Alex has been working consistently in the real estate industry since her temporary visa kicked in late last year.

Her first job was a few more miles away than any of us locals would consider driving, and the position wasn't as enjoyable or rewarding as she had first hoped. She really dived in the deep end, and while she didn't drown, she probably needed a few swimming lessons before the attempt. It was a life lesson, one she took on board, and when a new job came up closer to home, she nailed the interview (as she always does), and hasn't looked back.

The 2nd job is less than half the distance away, strictly 9 to 5 and in a company which she enjoys. There's a strong company structure, good work ethic, and entertaining colleagues. Her supervisors, colleagues, and managers are all very supportive; I think she'll be sitting tight on this one for a while.

Alex has also found her creative side again, scrap book journalling, instant camera photography, and some kind of couples diary/journal/photo book too. It's become an almost nightly affair of focusing, creating, and having something to show for it fairly quickly. She's very proud of her work, and it's something she does just for herself. I don't expect you'll get a chance to see a photo of what she's done, and she likes it like that.

I had a bit of work late in 2020 and early 2021, nothing special really, but wait until the premier!! It's interesting to think that some day soon I'll be able to go to the cinema and see my ugly mug on the big screen (even if it will most likely be out of focus). I'll be on Netflix too.

Having the opportunity to be an extra on film and TV was a real boost for my confidence after being off stage for so long. I felt creative, met some great people, made some friends, and had a few bucks in my pocket. Happy days.

By jumping into an industry I hadn't been in before right after arriving here, it reminded me that Australia has a lot to offer. I found myself comparing Germany and Australia, and Australia often feels like it comes up short. This was a chance to prove to myself that there are adventures awaiting here down under.

So, I decided to go back to school.

The last time I was in a class room was in 1998!! I am studying a Diploma of Counselling, and am currently half way through my studies. I've found it very challenging, but have passed every assessment so far, and gained some handy skills too. I have a good connection with my teachers, and I really enjoy the company of my classmates; some of which I can even call friends.

I chose counselling for a few reasons, but the first step was really just a process of elimination. Besides being a freelance professional musician for several years in Germany, I had worked in offices, shops, warehouses, kindergartens and various other jobs. While I could go back into IT or something similar, I wanted to use this opportunity to try something new.

I had my fair share of mental health issues in the past (and present). I thought maybe those experiences could help me connect with folks who need support as well. When looking at course options, the counselling course stood out. So now I'm making a mid life crisis gamble that I'll pass the course, and feel confident and knowledgeable enough to take on the role that many others have taken on for me over the years.

The course has helped me find a routine too, one that I didn't know I needed, until it happened. When you're jobless and unfocused, the mind wanders, the days pass. Now my mind is focused on study, and I feel better for it.

Up until the lockdown hit, we were in class 3 days a week and then I'd study from home 1 to 3 days a week. When lockdown hit, we had to go online. However, being on the computer so much has worn me out, and I really start to enjoy those rare days where I am not looking at a screen!

To be honest, it's been challenging every step of the way, and I even thought about quitting several times in the past few months. However, my confidence has steadily risen to each challenge and I felt better for it.

That's the kind of vicious circle I enjoy.

In July I had my first live show in 13 months! In fact, to date I've only had 3 since the pandemic started! Fingers crossed I can cross the border next month and add a 4th.

I was approached by Cherry Divine to play guitar for her. It's a relatively easy gig for me. The songs are fun rockabilly tunes, Cherry sings great, and she already has a band and gigs. I'm helping her write a few songs too, for her next album. I can't thank her enough for sparkin' the fire in me to keep music alive in my life; for a while there I thought it was all a thing of the past.

With the spark has come the possibility of “The Josh” solo band coming together. While the band isn't moving at any great speed (the recent 2nd lockdown kicked in right as I was about to arrange a rehearsal), I'm finally eager to get a band together. I miss playing live, and I miss having musicians in my life. I miss the spontaneity of a show, life on the road, and crowd reactions.

I've even started to write some new material, and get those ideas on “tape”, well, on the computer. Slow and steady, between studying, family, pets and surfing, music is coming back into my life, and it feels good.

Our family unit here is doing well. Alex and I have been under mum's roof and mum's care for a year now. There are some ups and downs, but mostly I'd say they're ups... The house is big enough to give all of us space, all of us get time outside of the house (except during lockdown, I was mostly stuck at home, but that's OK for me)...

Last night we couldn't go out for dinner, but we did have take away from the local Indian which was really good, and a special treat for us, we don't eat out often.

Alex and I plan to get away every 5-6 months for a visit to somewhere we haven't been. In March we were on the “Sunshine Coast” and checked out Australia Zoo, and in June we went south to the mid north coast to pick up BB Junior.

It's nice to get out and explore. A bit hard to do at the moment, with the restrictions, but we've agreed another trip away (before Christmas if possible) is in order. Those trips are part of the reason why I came home, to see some of Australia, and I'm lucky I get to make those experiences with Alex.

It's also nice to get away from it all. I know we live in a beautiful spot near the ocean, but here, at home, there's the computers, the life and routine, and getting away keeps us fresh and focused on each other. It's definitely something I look forward to!

Speaking of BB Junior, he's almost 7 months old now, and a real character. While he's not the easiest cat to train, I've been getting a few tricks out of him, and he enjoys his time outside, with his harness and long lead. He visits his cousin each week for play time, Charlie, who is another ragdoll of a family friend who loves to play chase all day long with Junior. Alex adores Junior, and Junior adores Alex; they can't wait to cuddle when she comes home from work. He's very vocal too, so even when everyone is at work, I have someone to talk to!

Losing our little boy Mijo was a real difficult experience. I know I've written about him before, but he deserves a mention here, as he was a big part of our first year here. He was full of character and strength, he and I bonded very quickly and not a day goes by I don't think of him. He also brought Alex and I closer together. When she chose him for me, and when he passed, and all points in between, he brought us closer.

I've been focused on sport a fair bit since getting back and settling in. I bought a RowErg, also known as a rowing machine, and I row about twice a week, in addition to riding my bicycle about twice a week. I try to surf every chance I get, which unfortunately ends up being only a few times a month. It's my goal to do something sporty to get my heart rate up every day, and of late, usually I get there too. I don't really do it for any other reason than I love to snack and I can't snack if I don't do sport!

A benefit of my sport/snack workout routine is it helps me stay calm and focused and connected with those I ride and surf with.

I haven't asked Mum how she's feeling about having her middle aged son and his wife living with her recently. Maybe I should, but do I really wanna know the answer? Well, I think she's OK with it. After all, we drive her wherever she wishes! I suspect it goes a little deeper than that, and in all honesty, we enjoy each other's company.

Since Alex and I have been here, I'd like to think Mum has been living a little bit fuller life. I don't think her eyesight has deteriorated much in the past year, but we've been able to provide her with support, eyes to read the small print, driving and help with google, or something around the house. When Mum was diagnosed with celiac disease earlier this year, Alex took her shopping to check over the ingredients of Mum's favourite food, and when needed, found alternatives. It definitely made the transition to gluten free a little easier on Mum and it was a load off my mind that we were around to help her through that phase.

Winter 2021 was over before it even started. I forgot how warm this part of the world is, and I don't know why I own so many jackets! Returning from Europe, where I was wearing a jacket daily for about 9 months of the year, here it feels like, if it's really needed, and I mean if you're desperate, you might need one for 9 weeks of the year. I think the heater was on a handful of times, and the sun was shining just about every day.

I tell ya, it's some kind of paradise here.

It's been a bit difficult keeping up with our European friends and family. I sometimes find it hard to find the time to be proactive to contact the 20, 30 or more friends I'd like to keep in touch with regularly. I know our lives keep on keepin' on, but time passes by so quickly too, and next thing you know it's been 4 months since I last contacted you!

Sorry about that!

Don't take it personally, and I'll get back to you, eventually!

My overall mental health has improved over the year, I'd say it's become quite stable since I started the course. I mean, can't you tell? I write less and less in this blog, because I have less and less to process. I'm not sure if it's the fact there's a lot of self reflection that is inherently a part of doing that kind of mental health course, or if it's the routine of being a student or the new friends I've made and classmates I study with.

It could be that it's taken a year to come to terms with being back here, cause when I first arrived I felt uncomfortable, depressed and worn out... There were a lot of questions; is this a mid life crisis? What am I doing here? Will I ever feel good again? Is my music career over? What am I going to do now? Is Alex OK? Is Mum OK?

My journalling, blogging, and support from friends and family has helped a lot too this past year. Processing my thoughts in words, by clarifying and reflecting, has helped a lot. I've been trying to care for myself a bit more now and then too, I think people call it self care, sometimes I call it sport! Alex has helped me to recognise my achievements, however big or small, and focus less on what I haven't done.

I'm not perfect, but definitely improving.

I was hoping that Alex and I would be in a position to start looking at buying our own house around this time, a year in, but unfortunately, with one of us being a student and the ever rising cost of housing, we have to sit tight on that idea for a while longer. Sorry Mum, you're stuck with us.

There's been many smaller things happen during our first year here. Lots of moments of gratitude, love and support. There's some stuff we've forgotten, or that has been overtaken by something bigger. All in all, I'd say it's been a real rollercoaster home coming!

We're still here, a year on, still going strong, making motions, taking chances, being in love, talking shit, laughing, smiling, misbehaving and focusing... What more could we ask for?

Thank you for reading, for your support and love. I love you too.

Josh

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Dangerous Minds

Those of my readers who haven’t known me long may not know that I was once a corps member of Teach for America. I taught 10th and 11th grade English for about 5 weeks, then I was told on a Friday about my “involuntary transfer” to another school in the district, where I’d be teaching 7th and 8th grade English instead. I went from having about 110 students to about 190. My classroom had no books (textbook or otherwise), no pencils, no paper, no markers or chalk, but it DID have one of those folding lamps that come out of the ceiling at the dentist’s office. The kids had been in there for 5 weeks with a rotating roster of subs; they’d done no schoolwork of any kind. I was teaching in a very poor area of the city, and my students were predominantly Black and Hispanic. One of my 10th graders wrote his first personal essay about getting shot the previous year. I say all this to tell you that when Chad asked that I review Dangerous Minds, the 1995 adaptation starring Michelle Pfeiffer of the true story of Louanne Johnson’s experience teaching in inner city schools in California, I was prepared to laugh it off as a cringey, Lifetime-movie representation of my experience. Is that what I got? Well...

For the most part, what I got was a ball of anxiety in my chest. It’s well-worn territory, obviously. A teacher bonds with their students from the wrong side of the tracks, and ends up learning just as much from them as they learn from him/her. Usually poetry or music features heavily as a tool that can set the students free from the depressing circumstances of their lives. Depending on the rating, usually a student dies, and the teacher learns just how Important their job is, so they commit to it even harder even though it pays no money and garners no respect from the administration who just doesn’t “get it.” But these cliches and stereotypes and broad strokes exist because at their core, they’re true, and they make me anxious and uncomfortable and I can’t laugh at them or Michelle Pfeiffer being a Nice White Lady because I’m too busy being angry about the systems we put in place that straight up abandon so many kids, all in the name of white supremacy.

Some thoughts:

Oh we’re starting right off the BAT with “Gangsta’s Paradise.” Fantastic news. Two things I associate so strongly with this song is skating around the skating rink in 2nd grade and buying the Weird Al cassingle of “Amish Paradise” and wearing it out. 

Ooh, the score was composed and performed by Wendy & Lisa! Love that, you don’t see nearly as many film scores as you should composed by women.

God, the salary is $24,700 a year and Louanne acts as though that is appealing - I can’t tell if that’s because it was 1995 or because teacher salaries are so dismally low that this feels like a good salary?

This scene in which Louanne goes into her classroom for the first time and the kids are all shouting at her and getting in her face and sexually harassing her and throwing paper balls at her is giving me stress hives. 

Also her friend Griffith (George Dzundza) saying, “You wanna teach, so teach! All you gotta do is get their attention” is rather disingenuous. Trust me, you can have their attention, and still not be able to teach. 

I’m excited to see Sally-Can’t-Dance from Con Air as Raul (Renoly Santiago). He’s honestly fantastic in this, with a tough exterior but a sensitive and gooey inner sweet boy. All of the teens give pretty solid performances, but he’s a real standout.

I recognize this is based on a true story and Louanne Johnson’s lived experience, but I am not sure it’s wise for any teacher, regardless of grade or subject, to be teaching her students how to fight each other. Or taking them to dinner on what looks to outsiders like a date. I know some people have a problem with the bribery (giving her students candy for speaking up in class) but I have no problem with it - you get paid to do all the dumb stuff you don’t want to do at work, why shouldn’t kids be compensated for going to school if they don’t want to be there? External motivation goes a long way to building up internal motivation.

Mm I do love me some Courtney B. Vance, but he’s such a quiet, condescending ass in this. It’s a different vibe than I’m used to seeing in a principal in a movie like this. 

Ooh, Griffith grading papers and saying “What a fuckin’ idiot” is a real mood. 

“Since when has the Board of Education done anything for us? We barely get fuckin lunch” is legit. The lunches my students were served in summer school were some of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen. One day it was spoiled milk, white bread, and pickles. And one of my students put his in a microwave that was hidden in the back of my classroom behind some dividers and left it for a week. And just so you know, as stomach-churningly awful as that sounds, the day I found “pickle man” as my student called him, isn’t even in my top 5 worst days teaching list. 

I like Griffith, and I’m glad Louanne has a friend, but frankly I’m not that interested in these interludes between them - they really feel like they slow down the momentum from the scenes of her in the classroom slowly earning the kids’ trust. The pacing is kind of a mess, because the most dynamic sections all revolve around the kids in the classroom, and I feel like that only makes up about a third of the movie. 

One thing I know for sure is you do not get in the middle of a fight between students. I have a friend who worked in the same district I did who interrupted a fight and got punched in the face because of it. And her principal blamed her. 

Oh wow the way the soundtrack picks up when Emilio finally engages in the class is some kinda cheesy. And it continues through the rest of the scene to a distracting degree. Oh Wendy and Lisa, I hoped for better. 

Can I just emphasize that to reach these kids, Louanne uses her experience as a LITERAL MARINE by demonstrating she can kick all their asses, and then she bribes them by paying for 25 kids to go to an amusement park for the entire day with her?

Also, even if they like and respect her now, I call bullshit at any scene in which ALL of  the kids are A) sitting in their seats or B) silent, and especially C) both. 

Um suddenly feeling some weird vibes with Louanne and Raul having a dinner date at this fancy restaurant by themselves. Also, the double standard here is pretty telling - there’s no way this scene makes the movie if Louanne had been a male teacher and Raul was a female student.

Wait wait wait, she’s also loaning Raul $200? Like, is this why I didn’t make it as a teacher? Because I wasn’t a former Marine taking students to amusement parks and fancy dinners and lending them money? I was 25 and could barely afford rent. Maybe teachers who have enough money to take care of themselves are better equipped to take care of others. Idk, I’m just spitballin here.

Oh “Gangsta’s Paradise” is happening again! We already heard the whole song over the opening credits but now it’s happening again about 3/4 way through. I mean this song is definitely the best thing about the film, so I get it, but it feels weird that they think we wouldn’t notice it playing to completion twice.

Michelle Pfeiffer is doing everything she can to make this movie feel less cheesy and more real. Like, you can tell she’s really trying with her performance. Of course, it’s not like the character is a huge challenge acting-wise, but she is definitely committed to the part and can walk the line of both accessible and tough. 

This scene where Louanne tells her class she is not going to be there next year, that what happened to Durell and Lionel and Callie and Emilio made her too sad to stay has not aged well at all. And it’s certainly true to life, and I say that as someone who did the same thing. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s a reality - the fact that I’m a nice white lady is exactly the reason that I can choose to leave when things get too hard. Just because the kids convince her to stay at the end in this very rushed “all’s well that ends well” way doesn’t sweep this scene under the rug, and it shouldn’t. 

Ope, “Gangsta’s Paradise” shows up one last time in the credits for good measure. 

Side note: after the film, I researched Louanne, and she’s still teaching, which honestly made me emotional (in a good way). And I’d like to point out the racist ass bullshit the studio and screenwriter Ronald Bass pulled by changing the poems the students read to Bob Dylan lyrics when Louanne originally used rap lyrics from popular artists in ‘89-’90 to teach the kids about poetry. 

Did I Cry? No, but I did get heartburn from anxiety flashbacks.

This genre of film is easy to mock and parody because it tells the same story and hits the same beats to the point that they’ve become cliche. Ultimately, the truth at the heart of the movie (which is the un-nuanced and candy-coated depiction of Johnson’s real memoir, My Posse Don’t Do Homework) is that high schoolers crave someone who will see them and validate them, someone who is willing to put in the effort. The quality of the package that truth is wrapped in varies, and this one certainly leans in hard on stereotypes that feel like cheat codes rather than any real illuminating depictions of living teenagers. But as cringey as it is to watch, maybe it’s not a bad thing to remember that all people - including those who are trapped in poverty and all the cruel injustices that entails - want to be seen and valued for who they really are. 

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[turning-dreams-into-chaos]

Control

*Not my Gif*

Request: Your writing is amazing!!! Can I request an imagine with Peter Parker where the reader is his best friend & is secretly in love with him (and also has powers & is a hero)? But then she sees him with MJ & her heart breaks & she suddenly distances herself from Peter, MJ, & Ned & nobody knows why? Then maybe the reader gets badly injured because she has a breakcown & lost control off her powers and hurt herself real bad? Then Peter realizes he loves the reader and can't bear to lose her?? Thanks!!!

Requested By: @canyouevencauseicant

Post Date: 7-13-19

Paring: Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: 6K

A/N: Hi! Sorry I’m a little behind on a few requests! Hope you like this and it’s what you wanted! I kind of got carried away a little... 😂

- Ria

~Prompt List~

~Master List~

Requests are closed

You pushed the grapes on your tray around with your fingers as you slumped into your hand, staring at the one person who could make you forget the world around you. Peter Parker. That is until Ned makes you look away.

“Ow! Ned what the hell?!” You screeched as your head smacked against the table under you after Ned pushed your arm away. Ned just smirked as he bit into his burger.

“I’ve been trying to talk to you for 5 minutes and you have just been staring off in space. What are you even looking at?” He asked as you blushed. You hadn’t meant to be staring for so long.

“Just thinking about the science project.” You lied, finally shoving your grapes into your mouth as you face him. “What were you talking about?”

Ned began his speech again as you tried not to space out again, casually taking glances towards Peter, who was speaking to a teacher, every time Ned wasn’t looking. “... so how does that sound?” He finished as you blinked, realizing you weren’t listening once again.

“That sounds great Ned.” He raised his brow at you, causing you to sigh at being caught. “Ok, I wasn’t listening. Again.”

“Is it the team?”

You groaned at Neds guess, knowing it wasn’t the team, but instead someone on the team. “Something like that.” You grumbled avoiding his eyes as you focused on your food. Ned shrugged it off as he ate as well, keeping his eyes on you as Peter came over.

“Hey Y/N! Did Ned talk to you about tomorrow?” He said as he sat down across from you. You gave Ned a questioning look as he nodded, finally figuring out he was trying to.

“He tried to but I wasn’t making it easy.” Peter looked between you and Ned as you looked at your food, Ned shrugging once again as their eyes met.

“Ok. Well, we were gonna watch Star Wars at my place and wanted to know if you were coming or not.” He explained as you chuckled.

“Come on, Pete. You guys are my best friends, you know I never miss Star Wars nights.” He smiled at your comment and your heart skipped a beat at the warmth coming off of him. How can someone be so perfect! You returned the gesture before coming up with an idea. “Why don’t we just watch it at the tower?”

Ned grew more excited next to you as Peter and you shared an amused glance. “Do you think Mr. Stark would let us?” Peter questioned, growing concerned as you guffawed.

“The only time Tony can tell me what to do, is when he’s speaking through the earpiece and I’m on a mission. Other than that, I’m 17, if I want friends at my house, then I can have friends over.” You challenged as you stood up to throw away your garbage. Peter watched you leave, the smile fading on his lips as you called the tower your home. He knew you had problems at your house and was living in the room Tony had done for you for years now. He knew your parents hated your powers, hated how you could produce fire and create and control explosions. They always thought you would harm them or your sister or something, but that would only happen in extreme cases, a case you hadn’t fully reached yet. Peter furrowed his brows as he tried to think of the last time you had actually went home to see your family. It must have been around 6-7 months ago. “So, What do you say? Tower?” You take your seat across from Peter with a smile on your face. Peter’s thoughts left his head as he looked at how happy you were, you were never this happy when you were living with them.

“Sure.” He nodded and chuckled a little. “I’ll tell MJ we’re going to the tower instead.” Your smile faltered a little at his words, having seen Peter stare relentlessly at the girl and you couldn’t help but be jealous.

“Oh, MJ’s coming too?” You bit your lip and hoped the boys didn’t see the disappointment in your words. It’s not that you didn’t like the girl, she was your closest girl friend and right after Peter she and Ned were tied for your 2nd best friend. She knew you were in the avengers, having found out a few weeks after Tony let you come to Midtown, but she didn’t know about Peter being Spider-Man. At this point it was only Ned and May who knew outside of the team. Peter nodded at your question, luckily not catching on to your shift in voice.

You glanced up to see MJ heading over to you all before grabbing your bag, slinging it over your shoulder as she reached the table, arms crossed as you stand up to leave. “I forgot I needed to go to the library for a book for the AP History project. I’ll see you three around right?” You gave MJ a smile as she sat next to Peter, who just looked confused now.

“What project? We didn’t have a project in that class!” He yelled as he grabbed his bag, well intending to follow you to learn about this so called project. Your eyes widened as you stammered out a fix to your mistake.

“S-Sorry, Not-t History, I meant uh, Science. Yeah Science. I should go before lunch is over.” You quickly turned and left before Peter could say anything, watching as you disappeared from the cafeteria.

“She’s acting weird right?” Peter huffed as sat back down next to MJ, who put her hand on his arm.

“Maybe, but then again it was an important project and I’m sure Y/N is just stressed about it. Also about the History test.” Peters eyes nearly tripled as MJ stifled a laugh, Ned’s eyes rolling as Peter tried to grab his back again but MJ just blocked him from standing up. “Dude. Chill. I’m just messing with you.” She laughed as Peter blushed as he looked at the girl.

You had left a folder on the table during lunch, getting halfway to the library before realizing and turning back, only to see MJ and Peter laughing and Peter’s eyes remained locked onto her. You couldn’t help the sinking feeling in your stomach. You were in love with your best friend and all you wanted was him to love you as well. But he wouldn’t because he was already in love with someone else. You blinked away tears as you decided to leave your folder, hoping Pete would just bring it to the tower later for you.

The rest of the school day went by faster as you stopped paying attention, choosing instead to focus on drawing. You found out when you were much younger every once in a while you needed something to do to calm your powers and when you discovered you could draw pretty decently, you wanted to do more. Now it was probably one of the main things you do and you loved it, always choosing to draw the people or the scene around you. Your favorite person to draw was Peter, you loved the way his curly chocolate locks framed his face or his nose would scrunch up when he was studying or laughing. But you especially loved to draw his brown eyes, always being sure to give them extra attention. He loved when you would draw him, always saying you looked cute as you would focus on the picture instead of anything else. You could feel the redness creeping up on your face every time he called you cute but you knew he didn’t mean it in the way you wanted him to, just saying it as your best friend.

You found yourself back in your room at the tower, surrounded by scattered charcoal drawings and sketchbooks filled to the brim with pictures of Peter, Tony, Ned, MJ, and a few others of the team. You hadn’t realized what time it was as you finished your latest page of Tony, flying in his Iron Man suit with the big blocked letters of his name at the top. You prided yourself in your work before the man himself was knocking on your door.

“I know you were probably to wrapped in your drawings to hear FRIDAY tell you diner was ready so I was sent in to get you. Let’s eat.” He smirked as you mumbled an apology, instantly throwing your stuff down as you hop off the bed. Tony had somehow gotten closer to the bed before you had realized it and picked up one of your favorite drawings. It was one of Peter after he fell asleep in your room, you were playing a card game as you tried to ignore the homework you were given before you both nodded off. You had woken up a little earlier than him, choosing instead of waking him up to just draw him.

You were still staring at the picture in front of you as Tony snapped in your face, trying to get your attention as you blinked yourself back into reality.

“When are you just gonna tell the kid Y/N?” He sighed as he dropped the paper onto the bed. You furrowed your brows, tilting your head as Tony smirked at you again. “Just tell Parker you’re in love with him already.” Your jaw dropped as he left your room, using his arm to beckon you to follow as you did, without saying anything. You sat through dinner in silence, choosing not to look up at anyone as they rambled on and ate their pizza. You had only eaten one slice before deciding you had enough, excusing yourself before heading back to your room. You pushed all your stuff to the end of your bed, careful not to ruin any of the pictures but not in the mood to clean up completely, before falling face first into the pillow underneath you. You drifted off to sleep before the buzzing of your phone on the nightstand next to you woke you up completely. You groaned as you slapped your hand onto the device, trying to turn off your alarm before realizing it was 1 in the morning. You groaned against the brightness of the screen, glaring into your face before you could even turn it down, and you saw a text from Peter.

Peter: Hey. u up?

You shook your head as you replied.

Y/N: I am now. :P What’s up?

Peter: sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. Just wondering if I could come over?

Peter hardly ever had to ask if he could come over, always swinging in and tapping your window.

Y/N: come on over Sticky boy

Peter: I’ve told you not to call me that :)

You laughed as you tossed your phone to the side, cleaning up your papers a little before opening your window so Peter could just swing in.

“I brought pizza. Mr. Stark said you hadn’t eaten much so I thought I’d bring you some.” He said as he landed on your floor. You gave him a smile and thanked him before you jumped onto your bed. Peter just stayed in your window, staring at you before you gave him an amused glance.

“You just gonna stand there and make he eat this whole pizza by myself or are you gonna join me?” He let out a shaky breath, confusing you more as he joined you on the bed, pulling the pizza box onto both of your laps as you ate in silence for a little while. “So what’s up? Why’d you text instead of just coming over?”

You fiddled with your fingers and avoided his eyes, to unsure of what he was going to say.

“I don’t know. Just needed to talk or something. You were the first person I thought off.” His voice was quiet and you grabbed his hand, ignoring the way your stomach did flips as his eyes met you. He thought of you first? You rested your head on his shoulder as his head fell onto yours, both of you closing your eyes as you listened to the sounds of your breathings filling the room.

“How was your patrol tonight?” You whispered as he shrugged underneath you. “Pete, what’s going on with you?” He froze as you sat up, turning to face him as he squeezed your hand.

“I’m just glad you’re my friend.” He said smiling as your heart dropped, but you didn’t show it, only smiling and nodding your head.

“Forever and Always Sticky Boy.” He laughed as you marveled in the sound, loving each second of it before you both fall into a silence once again. “You staying here tonight or heading back to your apartment later?” You asked as he yawned. He frowned as he looked down at your phone quickly noticing you both have been sitting here for a little over a hour.

“I have got to get back, May said I couldn’t stay at the tower on school nights after last time.” He mumbled as you pushed your face in your hands. You knew exactly what he was talking about. One night after Patrol, much like tonight, Peter had came into your room and you spent all night playing games and eating junk food. The next morning Tony came into your room to see you with your head on Peter’s chest and his arms wrapped around you, both of you 2 hours late to school. Tony found it hilarious and took a picture before kicking you both awake, throughly embarrassing both of you. Now, Peter hadn’t made any move to leave before you tried to push him out of your bed, both of you hushing your now loud laughs for the sake of the other avengers.

“Night Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Pete.” You whispered as Peter swung out of your window, watching as his figure flew against the night sky.

You woke up to Tony voice echoing through your room as you shove a pillow over your ear. “Come on Y/N. Hate to do this on a school day but we got a news of someone in Brooklyn and it’s our speed. Everyone else is gone and I need you now.” You heard the urgency in his voice as you jumped out of bed, slipping into your suit as you made your way to Brooklyn.

When you finally got there you scanned your surroundings until you saw Tony, finishing up with the bad guy as you sauntered over.

“So what? Now we’re just calling me down here for fun?” You joked as you looked down at the kneeling Bad Guy who didn’t even look all that taken down.

“You’re flame.” He spoke as you furrowed your brows.

“Yeah. Why?” You tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling in your stomach as he stared at you.

“He had similar powers to you.” Tony whispered as the confusion never left you.

“How do you control them?”

“W-What?”

How do you control them?” He repeated as his eyes started to turn red, just like how yours turn orange. Tony took a step back as the man stood up towering over you as you took a fighting stance.

“By keeping my head. I take it you don’t control them?” He shook his head as fire began to circulate his hands, you soon copying his actions as you tell him to stand down. Tony’s mask flew back on his face as he watched the scene in front of him.

“I’m sorry...” the man whispered before fire erupted around him and within a second you had your hands out, taking in the fire he’s producing until you were both on the ground.

“Y/N! Are you ok?!” Tony yelled as you got up, looking at the passed out man a few feet away from you. You’d never met anyone with the same powers as you, some come close but his was the exact same and it felt... unstable as the explosion entered into your system.

“Yeah. I-I’m fine.” You huffed, hoping he’d believe you. His lips fell into a tight line as he checked you over, deciding you were ok. “I have to get to school. Even though I’m going to be late again. You got this covered Stark?” You nodded towards the man and pulled out your phone, scrolling through all the text messages from Peter as you told him you’d be late. Tony nodded as he patted your back, telling you to get to school.

You stopped at the tower to take a quick shower and grab your bag. It was lunch when you finally arrived, searching through the sea of students for Peter’s mop of a hair. You finally found it before your face fell at the figure next to him. MJ. She was sitting next to him as she laughed, slightly leaning into him as he threw his head back as he laughed as well. You watched as their eyes met, laughing slowly starting to stop as a smile landed on both of their faces. You felt hot. Heat rising from your hands up to your face as your breathing started to increase. ‘What the hell is happening?’ You thought as you rushed off to the bathroom. No one was in there luckily and you locked it, not allowing anyone else in as you turned on the sink, fingers hitting the cool of metal in the faucet and immediately noticing the difference in temperature. You gripped the edge of the sink, closing your eyes as images of MJ and Peter filled your mind. The burning smell had pulled you out of your trance, opening your eyes to your reflection in the mirror. An orange hue filling the area in your eyes. A gasp leaves your lips as you release the sink, seeing your shaking hands red from the heat it had produced.

“Control It. Control it Y/N.” You seethed as you clasped your eyes closed once again, letting the jealousy out of your mind as you step back leaning against the wall. You pulled out your phone, shooting Peter a text saying you couldn’t make it to school today before sneaking out of the bathroom, hoping to avoid your friends before you could leave. Unfortunately you made the mistake of heading down the hallway with your locker, seeing MJ and Peter chatting as he pushed a strand of hair from her face, her giving him an awkward smile before looking down at the ground. Peter just smiled before looking down the hallway towards you, but you were already gone, hurrying down the steps of the school and down the streets until you hit an alleyway. You fell against the stone wall as you held your shaking wrist, trying your hardest not lose control again.

Your phone buzzed as you realized Peter was calling you. You swiped on the screen before pressing the phone to your ear.

“Hey.” You started as you took a few deep breaths.

“Hey! I thought you were coming, what happened?” He asked as you heard Ned laugh on the other side of the phone.

You stood up as you headed back to the tower, taking your time as you talked to Peter.

“Yeah, I uh wasn’t feeling so hot after this morning so I took a day off.” You could hear him mumble something to Ned and MJ, probably telling them what you said before the ringing of the bell sounded throughout the phone.

“Hey I’ll talk to you later alright? Or see you tonight if I don’t.” He sounded rushed as you heard scuffing from his end.

“Ok. I’ll talk to you-“ you began before the ending tone echoed in your ear. “...Later.” You finished before shoving the device into your pocket. When you got back to tower you ignored everyone as you made your way up to your room, laying on your bed as Tony knocked on the door a few hours later.

“So, how was school?” He smirked as you groaned. You gave him a fake smile before falling back onto the bed.

“Oh it was great.”

“Did you actually get there or go somewhere else?” You sat back up as you leaned against the headboard.

You fiddled with your fingers as you avoided his eyes, not really in the mood to talk. He sighed before turning around to leave, finally remembering why he was here. “The kid’s here with your friends.”

You nodded your head, going into the bathroom to make yourself more presentable as you looked down at your hands. They weren’t shaking anymore but they were still hot, hotter than you would’ve liked. After running your hands under the water then through your hair you headed into the living room, seeing your friends arguing over which movie to watch first. You rolled your eyes as you laughed, Peter immediately hearing the sound and head perking up to face you.

“Hey! Come over here and help us pick out a movie!” He yelled as he smiled at you. You shook your head before nodding over to the kitchen.

“I’m just gonna get some food. What do you guys want?” You looked between them as they all shrugged.

Peter was the one who ended up answering your question. “Pizza!”

You scoff as you playfully rolled your eyes. “We had that that last night Peter, you’re getting something else.” You yelled as you walked into the kitchen, oblivious to the looks Peter had gotten as they watched you leave. You scanned through the fridge looking for anything before finding giving up, pulling out your phone to order pizza. “Ok, Parker. You win. I ordered Pizza.” You said as you plopped down next to him on the couch, his cheeks were still red as you glanced between them. “What did I miss?”

Ned and MJ just shrugged as the movie started. When the pizza arrived you got it and made your way back up. As soon as you stepped out of the elevator you noticed MJ had switched seats with Ned, sitting on the other side of the couch from you on Peter’s other side. You put the pizza on the table in front of you all and grabbed a slice before sitting back on the couch. As the movie progressed, you found yourself falling asleep, accidentally lying on Peter’s shoulder. You woke up to MJ’s laughs as you rubbed your eyes, realizing Peter and MJ were the only two awake when Ned stirred awake soon after. It was around midnight when MJ and Ned headed home, Happy giving them rides as Peter stayed behind to help clean up.

“I grabbed the work you missed today, but I kind of left it at home. Sorry.” You gave him a tired smile as you waved your hand, telling him it was alright. When the cleaning was all done he pulled you in for a hug, lasting a few seconds longer than normal before he pulled away. “Night Y/N.”

“Goodnight Peter.” You said as you took in your typical nighttime routine, Peter always being the last person you talk to before you both go to bed. But lately it just seems different, you believed Peter loved MJ and of they did get to together then soon you weren’t going to be the last person he said goodnight to. As Peter left the tower, the normal way, you couldn’t help the thoughts of him and MJ intruding your brain once again and soon your hands were shaking again. This time you weren’t burning up, so you decided to just head to bed and figure out everything in the morning.

You woke up being dosed with water as FRIDAY tried to wake you up. Tony storming in a few seconds later as you were standing on your bed, completely soaked as you wiped your hair out of your face.

“What happened?!” Tony yelled as FRIDAY stopped the water. You glared at the man as you crossed your arms.

“You tell me! One moment I was asleep and the next I’m soaking wet!” He could sense the annoyance in your voice as both of your eyes fell onto the mattress underneath you. It was burnt, really burnt. It didn’t even look like a mattress anymore. You looked at your hands, something that you seem to be doing way to much lately. “Tony...”

Tony didn’t know what to say. “When was the last time you’ve done that?” He whispered as he helped you off your bed. You shook your head, mouth falling open and closed as you tried to come up with an answer.

“A while ago.” You knew when it was. It was right after your parents kicked you out years ago. The first night you spent living outside before Tony found you a week later. Tony didn’t know this. He didn’t know that you had gotten to mad, so out of control that you almost killed a few people sleeping around you. That was when you knew you needed to be in control, but now you were so lost on why you were losing control so easily. “I have to go.” You said as you grabbed your phone and sweatshirt, thankful you hadn’t changed after last night. Tony tried to stop you but you were to determined and told him to just let you go. But he finally stopped in his tracks when you said you we’re going to see your parents before dashing down the street and into the early morning.

Peter decided to stop by the tower first thing in the morning, wanting to see if you wanted to hang out, but when he saw the burnt up bed through your window he knew something was wrong. He found Tony in his lab, not even caring about interrupting something as he begun to bombard him with questions.

“Mr. Stark! Where’s Y/N? She wasn’t answering my texts. And why was her bed all burned up? Did something happen? Is she okay?” He blurted as Tony turned to face him, Tony gave him a sad smile as he stopped talking.

“She just needed some time. There was an accident this morning and she said she was going to her parents house.” Tony explained as Peter’s stomach dropped. You were his best friend, you would’ve told him if you were going to see your parents, right? “But I went there and she wasn’t there. I tried tracking her phone but she ditched it.” Tony couldn’t say anymore before Peter was swinging through the streets, looking for you, only to see you sitting on a park bench.

“Y/N! What happened? Mr. Stark said there was an accident and you went to your parents house? Are you ok?” You stopped his ramblings when you nodded your head, not saying anything other than an I’m fine and it was nothing. The cool crisp air brushed against your heated cheeks and hands, still engulfed in red from this morning.

“I just want to be left alone for a little while Pete. C-could you do that for me?” Your frail voice made Peter frown, not wanting to leave you here distraught, but against his better judgment he did.

The next few days you avoided any calls from Peter, Ned, and MJ only texting in needed occasions. Peter was worried and constantly visiting the tower to make sure you were ok but you were hardly ever there, choosing to spend your time outside where you could try and keep your temperature down. Your friends had no clue what was going on. No one had any idea about your problems because you didn’t tell anyone, choosing not to let others deal with your problems. Unfortunately, Peter dropped by today and you just happened to be in the training room, working on your punches.

Peter tapped your shoulder, getting your attention before you spun around to try and punch him, not knowing it was him.

“Where have you been Y/N? You haven’t gone to school in a few days and you aren’t answering anyone’s calls or anything? A-Are you okay?” He released your fist as they fell to your side. You rolled your eyes, heading over to get some water as he followed behind.

“I’m fine Pete, just a little tired lately.” You lied as you downed your water. You headed back over to the punching bag as you resumed your workout, only for Peter to stand between you and the bag. “Come on, Peter. I have to train and you have to move.”

He sighed as his hands fell onto your shoulder, stopping you from pulling away and you tried your hardest not to fall into his welcoming embrace.

“Y/N, whats really going on? I’ve been talking with Ned and MJ and we know when something’s bothering you. I know when you’re lying Y/N, you’re my best friend!” His voice echoed in the room and you knew you were losing control. You turned around, back facing him as you drank your water trying to drown the screams in your head but it was no point.

You opened your eyes as they started to glow a recognizable orange. You turned to face Peter and his eyes widened, realizing your powers were coming out to play.

“Maybe I don’t want to just be your best friend anymore!” You yelled, completely losing control as fire had started to circulate your hands. Peter looked down seeing the fire in your hands then looking up to the fire in your eyes, your orange hue was clear in your eyes but there was more, an unrecognizable red was shining through as it moved about the orange sea.

“Y/N?” Peter whispered before you cut him off.

“Maybe I don’t want to sit here and watch you fall in love with someone else when I’m right here! M-Maybe... M-Maybe... M-M-May....”

Peter know something was wrong, your heart nearly tripled the rate as your breathing deepened, eyes clasped shut as grabbed onto his arm the fire on your hands slightly burning him but he held you up before you pushed him away.

“Peter, stay back! I’m not- this isn’t me! I’m not in control anymore!” He hated how desperate you sounded as you fell to your knees, hands resting on the floor as you yell to Peter to stand back. He didn’t want to but he stepped away, calling Tony to get down here as his eyes never left you. Your groans stopped as the fire around your hands became more intense, alerting you as to what’s gonna happen. You were going to make an explosion. You saw Peter, barely out of the way and you knew you couldn’t let this explosion happen. As soon as the fire began to spread from your hands into the air around you, you closed your eyes, sucking the energy back into your chest as Peter watched astounded. Soon your screams pierced his ears, putting his hands up to block his eyes from the light of the scene blinding him until he heard a thud.

You felt a weight on your hand as you tried to pry your eyes open, only to close them from the bright light shining through. You groaned as your hand pressed into your eyes, trying to figure out what’s happening.

“Y/N?” Someone whispered as you opened your eyes, blinking as you adjusted. Peter was sitting next to you, hand clasping yours as if he would let go he’d lose you. You were to busy staring at his eyes before you realized you were no longer in the training room.

“Pete? Where... where are we?” You asked, voice weirdly hoarse as if you hadn’t used it in a few days. Peter sunk into his chair as he squeezed your hand, making you even more confused. “Peter?”

“We’re in the hospital wing. You- You had an accident.” You sucked in a breath as you began to remember the previous events, losing control of your powers, taking in your own energy explosion, telling Peter you wanted to be more than best friends. Your wide eyes met his before his eyes started to get glossy. “I thought I lost you, Y/N... you’ve been here for a week. I thought you-“ he stopped as you joined him in his sobs, pulling him into you as you threw your arms around his neck, his wrapped tightly around your waist as you both buried your faces in each other’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry. I’m so-so s-sorry.” You cried as Peter shook his head. He pulled back as you saw the bags under his eyes and the red puffiness surrounding it. You were in control of your powers now, but you couldn’t control the flow of emotions coming out of your mouth right now. “Peter, I’m in love with you. I know that you like MJ and that you’re my best friend, but I’m lying to myself and you everyday I go out there and pretend you’re just my best friend. I-I’m sorry that I feel like this but-“

You were cut off by Peter’s lips on your chapped ones, quite surprised before you were realizing what was happening and kissing back. The butterflies in your stomach returned, and this time you didn’t bother pushing them away, instead using them to deepen the kiss you’re sharing. When you pulled away, you rested your forehead against his as you pulled your lip in between your teeth, missing the feeling of his lips on yours as your eyes fell closed.

“I’m in love with you too. I don’t like MJ like that, I like you like that. It just took you almost dying for me to admit it.” He flushed at his reveal, unable to look at you as your brows pinched together.

“But I thought... I mean I always see you guys together and you’re both l-laughing and you looked happy.”

He chuckled as he met your eyes, one of his hands cupping your cheek as the other stroked the back of your own.

“We were probably talking about you.” Your jaw dropped as he shook his head, wanting to go on before you could say more as he rubbed the back of his neck. “A while ago I started to get these feelings for you, around the time we woke up in each other’s arms. I thought it was just some crush you know that someone could get on their best friend. MJ kind of caught on to it after a while and was trying to convince me to say something, but I was convinced that you weren’t seeing me as anything other than your best friend. But then lately it seemed you could. I started telling her that and she was trying to help me ask you out. That’s why I was always laughing with her, she was just trying to help boost my confidence. It wasn’t until that night, when I saw you go down and not get back up that the thought of losing you tore me apart. I... I didn’t get much sleep. Mr. Stark tried to get me to leave here, but I didn’t. I couldn’t believe it took me losing you to realize I was in love with you.” His words died out as you wiped away his tears, him returning the favor.

You pulled his chin up to your face as you pressed a his lips against yours one more time, his tongue slipping into your mouth as you let out a slight moan before he pulled away. “I thought I lost you. I’m not ever letting you go again.”

You smiled as you pulled him onto the hospital bed next to you, facing him next to you as he put an arm around your waist, resting it on top of your side as you push yourself into him. “I’m here Pete. Forever and always.”

He kissed the top of your head as you fell into some much needed sleep. Peter mumbled against your head as you smiled, finally feeling in control again.

“Forever and always, Y/N.”

FEEDBACK IS WELCOMED!!

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[hhemeraa-a]

Update / Haitus

I’ve been a ghost the last two weeks and I know that my last post was very succinct - which I had to delete because apparently porn blogs started reblogging it for some reason????????? And I’m just?? not in the place to deal with that.

I really hope to get back into a place where I can be here again, I know before I said I was on discord but I’ve had zero (zero) time to do literally anything else other than deal with my current situation so I’m barely even there. I do read all of your messages and I’m really sorry I haven’t responded. 

A lot of people had or have questions and wanted to know how I am, etc etc so under the cut will be a quick explanation of my absence and everything that’s happened within the last few weeks.

As some of you know, I am a Peace Corps volunteer servicing in China. I had been serving as a university English teacher for the last near 2 years. This was a very very very important and huge opportunity for me. 

Years ago when I was in college, my Mom was taking student loans out in my name while I was living with her. I went from having $54k in student debt (which is a lot already) to having about $108k in student debt in private loans. She shirked all responsibility on me, I had to graduate college early with a degree in something that I had credits in (International Studies with a focus on Chinese language and history), I was homeless for a while working random jobs, trying to join the Marine Officer program, etc etc -- needless to say, things were really really messy for a few years there. I ended up getting a really nice job for a logistics company getting paid about 2200 a month, but I was paying about 1600 a month in student loans. I had a lot of support from a friend who let me live with her and to this day I literally cannot thank her enough for everything she provided to me while I was suffering through all of this. 

After working that soul sucking job for nearly 4 years, I took a chance and applied for Peace Corps because it was an opportunity to finally make it to China. I was supposed to study abroad in college, but when my mother maxed out my debt, it was no longer feasible. I never thought I was going to get in because I had been out of school for years at that point, I had never taught English before besides 1-on-1s during college and I kind of thought I was too old???  

BUT LOW AND BEHOLD I GOT IN.  This shit meant everything to me. I was finally going to study abroad, I was finally going to have a chance to use my degree, I was finally going to have the chance to learn a language, I had an opportunity to have a complete career change. 

It was so incredibly hard though. I worked my ass off during training, I worked really really hard to integrate into my site, but if anyone has ever heard any of my horror stories of being the only foreigner in the middle of south east China, you’ll understand that it’s not always fun 😅 I even had a whole mental break down and had to be sent back to the States for 45 days so I could stop stressing, but I got my ass right back on that plane and came to finish the job I started. The low were low, but the highs were so incredibly high that it made up for every bad moment.

This program meant everything to me.  My first semester sucked ass, it was harder than I ever thought it would be. My second semester was so much better, my third semester I was over loaded with about 450+ students and 8 classes, but I was finally getting the hang of the language, the school, the people, and I had gotten the ‘ok’ from my school to work there as a full time teacher once my Peace Corps contract was finished. This?? Was such an opportunity?? I literally had started making the moves to start a life here -- at least temporarily. Work at my school as contracted teacher for a year, pass the HSK Chinese language test above a 4, use the money to find a better job in Taiwan -- there was a whole plan. 

Every year, Peace Corps meets for 1-2 weeks for In Service Training. We met from Jan. 12 - 17. Usually it’s just to reconnect and make sure all the volunteers are doing their jobs, medical check ups, etc etc etc. It’s a good time to see how other volunteers are doing. 

Jan. 17th we were formally told that the Peace Corps China program was being closed. After 2020, there would no longer be any new volunteers and that we needed to start preparing our schools for the transition. They called it a graduation, but we all knew it was a political move. For five hours, a room of 200 people ripped into the US PC HQ staff as to why they were “”graduating”” the program. They said it was because the budget didn’t call for it and that China no longer needed volunteers in their schools. Which is a lie. Tensions were already really really high, the answers kept gettin more vague, and we finally flat out asked if this was a political decision to remove Peace Corps from China. 

We didn’t get an answer. 

Needless to say, all the volunteers are livid. The information spread like wild fire to all of the schools and volunteers were faced with having to be the representative of a shitty political decision. It was extremely difficult to have to face students and try to explain that Americans don’t hate them when the political system there does. 

Chinese New Year was from Jan 25th - Jan 27th this year. I lived in Chongqing city in the Chongqing province/municipality, a city that has about 32 million people in it. During this time, the city becomes a ghost town due to the holiday being similar to Christmas/Thanksgiving where everyone goes back to their hometowns to be with family. All the shops close and for foreigners it can be difficult to find food because everything isn’t open lol. 

However on Jan. 25th was when news about the corona virus started getting around. It wasn’t very big, but the news was starting to spread. The Hubei province touches Chongqing province, so whispers were starting to come through and most information volunteers got were through foreign sources, but even my Chinese friends were telling me that I shouldn’t go out or if I do, I need to be sure to wear a mask. 

Sunday Jan. 26th, notices are starting to go up on store fronts saying that they are required by law to be closed, but I managed to find a place that was still open. News about the virus is starting to gain traction and more and more information about what is happening in Wuhan is starting to spread. My friend who is staying with me who lives in a small town near the border of Hubei (where Wuhan is placed) gets a call from his school telling him that it is safer for him to not come back to site. We are starting to hear that small towns are shutting down travel in and out, bus systems are starting to shut down and certain areas in the city are no longer allowing taxi or Didi (Chinese Uber)  services. 

Monday Jan. 27th, my friend leaves because all train and bus tickets out of the city were being canceled. My city was slowly starting to quarantine everyone. I live on campus, and when I tried to return after walking my friend to the metro, security took my temperature (with those neat little temp guns) and then wouldn’t let me in because they thought I was too warm. After arguing with them in my broken Chinese and convinced them that I lived there, they finally let me back on campus. They told me that no cars or people are allowed to go in and out anymore. 

I lived near city center and it was obvious that the government was slowly locking everyone away to try and prevent the spread, but it was so eerie and apocalyptic. We had been receiving emails from the PCChina director giving us daily updates that were inching towards the idea that all volunteers were going to be ‘consolidated’, so everyone just needed to be prepared. 

Tuesday Jan. 28th, the notice went out that the volunteers were being ‘consolidated’ to Thailand because China made it illegal for any group of 4 or more people to be together. We were only allowed 1 check in bag and we weren’t sure if we were ever going to be allowed to come back into country. People who were not at their sites were not allowed to go back to their sites. Wherever a volunteer was in that moment that we got the notice was required to get their ticket to Bangkok and leave immediately. I had to pack 2 years of my life up into a single suitcase not knowing if I was ever going to come back. 

Wednesday Jan 29th, I was on a plane and landed in Bangkok. I am a safety warden of my province and the first warden to arrive so I was in charge of all safety until staff arrived. 

But after that, things were very much in the air. We had no idea what was going to happen and every day things just got weirder and more serious and we didn’t know if at all we were going to be able to go back. We speculated a lot, as the news got worse and worse and worse. By Friday, all USA government employees were told to evacuate. No gov employee is allowed to enter China until the travel restrictions were let up, which meant that many PCChina staff - if they were to leave, would be allowed back in until China decided that it was safe enough or... if they wanted them back. 

Sunday, Feb. 2nd, all the volunteers who were at the hotel had a skype meeting with the head of the PCChina program and were told that due to the severity of the situation, all currently serving China volunteers would be forced to COS (Close of Service) by Thursday. The program was ending and we would all be sent back to our respective homes between Wednesday and Thursday. 

When I say it was the shittiest delivery of news imaginable, I cannot even put it into words. After we were all told that we could no longer return to China, we had lost our jobs, and couldn’t even say goodbye to anyone; HQ Staff had the balls to tell us that in order to get our final service allowance, we were still required to fill out paperwork and that we shouldn’t be sad. We should be happy we served at all. 

They gave no time for mourning, many of us put two years of our lives on hold to do this program, some of us don’t even have homes to go back too and they want us to make decisions in 4 days. After Thursday, they will no longer provide any assistance with travel, we do not get health insurance, the moment we COS, PC shrugs off complete responsibility of over 100+ volunteers. 

I have been so busy filling out paperwork and I have been so incredibly angry and sad and resentful that the only person I’ve told is my Dad. Returning to the USA isn’t really an option and the plan I had set into motion is now nonexistent because I’m no longer allowed in the country I gave two years of my life to until they decide that this virus has been resolved. 

I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out where I’m going to live, what job I’m going to have, how I can get a cellphone plan, where I can go because I’m being quarantined for having been in China within the last 14 days, how to manage the money I’m getting -- everything has been changing so rapidly that I still don’t know where I’m going to be by Friday since Peace Corps is only paying for the hotel up until then. 

I promise I’m not ignoring any of you, I really really want to be in a place where I can RP and chat with y’all, but life for me right now is moving so fucking fast and I have to make so many decisions that will affect my future that I literally have not stopped going since Sunday night. 

I still stand by my last message: I really appreciate all the messages you guys have been sending me. I do read them. I just don’t want to talk. I don’t have the emotional capacity to and I haven’t even been given time to just... process and be mad. 

I promise I’ll be back, just give me some time. 

[jaeden-illustrations]

Love Drowned

@dianakko-week Day 3 : how they fell in love 

pairing : diakko / dianakko (diana + atsuko)

reading time : ~ 5min 

approximate word count : 1200

context : this is an AU where Luna Nova is a normal school, but with professional SWIMMERS in training, in stead of witches. Diana talks about her days to her dead mother through her diary. As the days go by, Diana tends to write more and more about Akko, not even realizing she is spilling her love interest to her mother.

I based the ‘moment they fell in love’, on the episode of the anime, where there is the big witch ceremonial festival, where Diana summons a unicorn, and the red team get eaten by a big sad ghost. Yeah, that’s that. 

(i’m also sorry i got to lazy to properly finish this, but i will try to continue this AU later on. alsotheendingisapracticaljoke, it doesn't actually happen, lmao)

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(Sun) September 1st , 2014

Good evening Bernadette,

 Today is the last day of summer, which means, school is starting over. Finally.

New year, new beginnings.

As you already well know, vacation has always been a time of the year I dread most. Having to endure two months of it, is an amount of time utterly painful for me. How can I become the world’s greatest swimmer, if so much time of my life is wasted on things else than training?

But alas, time has come.

This also means, there are only two more years before graduation, and I’ll be off to university. Each year passing by, has only got more thrilled!

 Jeana is worried about me. She says that ever since you pa , ever since you told us your farewells, she has judge me too hard of a worker. Though she is always so polite, it seems she is inclined to using the term “sportaholic”. She says it would pain you to see me so deep into my training, “never taking a brake” as she puts it. Is it true? Do you worry for me? For I must assure you, I find myself most fine and content in my hard work. I hope you can see that.

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 (M) September 2nd , 2014

 Good evening Bernadette,

 Today went by quickly. Nothing much changed since last year. My classmates are almost all the same. Anna and Barbara are still by my side, like always. They haven’t changed either. Always chattering and blabbing about anything and everything. I’d forgot how much I preferred to be alone. I usually find the silence quite comforting. I believe the library will yet again be my best friend. Although I must say, nothing can ever relieve my heart the way you do. You’ve been such a great friend and listener to me all these years, through and through. I certainly can’t thank you enough. I miss you. Always.

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(F) September 6th , 2014

 Good evening Bernadette,

 For the first in a long time, a new student has arrived in our school. She is from a foreign country. Japan. She will be in my class for the year.

As head of school club comity, and Luna Nova’s best student, it was my duty to accompany her throughout the school. After the tour, we said our goodbyes, and I haven’t payed much attention to her since. Or at least, I tried. Work is always more interesting than most people of course. Yet, in the little time this new girl has been here, she’s been making quiet a fool out of herself.

She doesn’t listen in class, often distracts everyone with her unspeakable manners, and worst of all, when we did our first swimming lesson, she didn’t know how to dive! It was quite ridiculous seeing her in such struggle. I am still perplexed as to how Luna Nova could allow such low trained commoner enter our team.

---------------------------------------------------------

 (W) September 27th 2014

 Good evening Bernadette,

 Today was spent making preparations for the synchronized swimming event we are holding next week. Establishments from all around the United Kingdom and Ireland will be participating. The festival is something quite intense and a bit stressful for our teachers and the principal. It is why I naturally accepted to help with the making of posters and to organize the new shower head delivery and the arrangements of new pool filters to complete the renovations.

The event must be perfect. After all, Luna Nova has its reputation at stake.

---------------------------------------------------------

 (F) September 30th 2014

 Good evening Bernadette,

 Today was the great “Luna Nova Autumn Dive Festival”. Everything was in order. Everything was perfect.

All the snacks had been laid out, posters put in place, showers scrubbed, and prizes stored.

When th evening started, the classes of Dublin were the first to present. Then came that of Limerick. Then Whales and London. Aberdeen, Edimburg, Cambridge, thus leaving the hosts for last.

Each school had remarkable performances, though the judges seemed particularly unimpressed.

I had spent the night before the event, embroidering our ancestral coat of arms on my suit, believing it would provide me with our family’s hope and strength.

So finally came my turn.

Although the event held most rules from the sport, some other specific things were allowed too. This is why the girls and I had agreed on making a very special move at the end of our performance. 

As the show unraveled, after spinning a few times at the top of the water, all three of us plunged under the surface. Anna went at the bottom of the pool, while Barbara put herself on her hands. This allowed me to go on top of her, and to push through the surface of the water, with a back layout flip before diving back into the water without disturbing it.

As I swam to the ladder and pulled myself out of the pool, multiple students from other teams came running at my side to congratulate me. The crowd all around also seemed quite impressed. I must say the recognition of my hard work was quiet comforting.

I wish you had been there to see it.

  actually… you’re right. There is something else. Something troubling me... It’s about Atsuko Kagari. You know, the new foreign student.

Because this event concerned our school, all of our classes had to participate, meaning that even though the new girl could barely swim a few laps without running out of breath, she still had to put on a show, like everyone else. Yet, she didn’t seem discouraged at all. Quite the opposite actually. She was fierce and determined. Until the very last second, she was training in the second pool, to make sure she could compete.

I’ve seen her train. Day after day she stayed past school curfew, sneaking at night into the pool, to work and train. But what was most shocking, was the look she gave,that day ; when she came out of the pool and through the changing room, still dripping, and stared at me dead in the eyes : “Watch me.” was all she said, before entering the second pool to show the judges.

The power this girl holds, just bewilders me. Though she says she doesn’t want to prove herself to anyone, I simply refuse to believe her. How could such a frail girl hold such determination…

---------------------------------------------------------

 (W) October 14th 2014

 Good evening,

 Atsuko Kagari is such a pain.

Let me enlighten you on the subject. She has been continuously falling behind the program and her grades are disastrous! This implies she has to work extra time, thus meaning she hasn’t any time from training, and though professor Ursula has been her assigned mentor, she has been notably unable to provide Atsuko with the right aid, so, the teacher counselors have now turned to me.  

I used to love helping people. It has always been my noble “cup of tea”, but when it comes to Atsuko, my patience suddenly vacates me immediately. No matter the effort I give, it is like she is bound to go toward the opposite of scholar success. This doesn’t either amply her troublesome attitude, which has already caused her near expulsion for the third time this week.

I am lost to what to do. Some help would much be appreciated. Until next time.

 ---------------------------------------------------------

*many, many, MANY pages later*

---------------------------------------------------------

 (F) December 13th 2014

 Evening,

I think im gay

[mayareth]

School Days AU Cradlesona

The event is here, yay! I’ll do Margareth first, since she is my ”real” Cradlesona, but maybe I’ll do a school days version of Cassiopée and Grace too later.

Year/Course: 2nd-year political science degree with a minor in law.

Favourites Subjects: International relationships and History of politics (and everything to do with foreign languages, history and geography in general).

Least Favourites Subjects: Philosophy and General political economy (and everything to do with math, science and art in general).

Affiliated Organizations: Association of Political Science and Administration Students (APSAS) and Union of the Students of Cradle Central University (USCCU it defends the student's rights and organise diverse events and protests).

Student History: She had the opportunity to enter to the Cradle Central University thanks to the Godspeed family recommendation. Her adoptive parents hadn't enough money to pay her a five-year cycle so she chose to go for the three-year cycle. However, her teachers saw how hard she worked and offered to help her to access to the full cycle. Margareth is also one of the leaders of the USCCU.

Student Life: Everyone sees her as a very organized person, thanks to her good grades, but that's not the case AT ALL. Margareth tends to work late at night to finish her work on time and she often starts to prepare them very late. Margareth doesn't go to party regularly but she will gladly attend to some if she is invited to by other students. Encourage the students to protest when they are not respected or heard by the head of the university or by the government. Will gladly volunteers on charity projects (often with Grace). Margareth will barely sleep during the exam session but once it’s over, she will spend all her free mornings in bed!

Study Habits: Start to study around 8 pm so doesn't get much sleep (5 hours maximum per day during the exam session). Margareth hates to summarize her lessons so she will prefer to study the entire book than to rewrite something shorter. Has some difficulties to take notes during the classes since she doesn't want to use abbreviations. Saturday is a no-work day for her, apart from the ones during the exams. Margareth’s greatest fear is to have to do group projects. She can't stand no to be in total control of her work. If it's good, she wants the compliments all for herself but if it's a fail, she is willing to take the entire responsibility and never have to drag the others into her mess. Also, she doesn't want any other deadlines than the one where the project has to be hand over to the teacher. With the years passing by, Margareth learnt to manage her anxiety. Still, she will act as if she was stressed before an exam while she is pretty calm compared to certain students. She is that girl who will study a little AND very late at night but have better marks than yours.

Relationships:

1. With the other characters

Ray Blackwell: They attend some classes together (foreign languages and philosophy) and got close pretty fast since they got paired to do the first group project and are from the same faction. Both are members of the USCCU. They can often be found together in the library, reading, sharing books and researching information. Run into each other at parties (it was more likely Fenrir who arranged things to make them meet every time they hang out). They finally started to date each other after a fancy ball at the end of their first year at university.

Lancelot Kingsley: Despite being close to the Red faction (while she is more of a Black girl), he is a good friend of Margareth. They often work together for group projects since they attend to nearly all of their classes together (when Lance come to school of course). Both of them are really appreciated by their teachers and are among the best students of all their promotion. A lot of lunchtimes are spent together, debating different issues of society (it makes Ray jealous sometimes).

Fenrir Godspeed: He knew Margareth before going to the university since he often goes at her bookshop with his family and stayed friend with her since then. Try to drag her to parties and desperately want Ray to confess his feelings for her. Margareth sometimes workout and go running with him. Both Ray and her attempt to make Fenrir eating tomatoes.

Jonah Clemence: He was jealous of Margareth at first, seeing her spending so much time with Lance but once he got to know her best, she became a member of his very close circle of friends. They train together to improve the way they speak to a large crowd. Jonah and Margareth also always eat a millefeuille together for their birthday tea time.

Luka Clemence: Margareth went to talk with him because she needed some cooking tips and advice to keep a healthy vegetarian diet. She heard he was one of the best students in his major (Jonah also mentioned him a couple of times). He was very shy at the beginning but then he opened up to Margareth and found themselves cooking together pretty often. Despite knowing she is a friend of his hatred old brother, Luka talks quite often with her because he is aware Margareth won't repeat anything compromising to the future Queen of Hearts.

2. With my other Cradlesonas

Grace: They don't attend the same classes at all (since Grace is studying surgery) but they see each other at parties and, more importantly, at charity events and during USCCU meeting, as Grace is also one of the leaders of the union. We can't say they got along very well at the beginning, Margareth judging the future Lady Clemence as superficial and haughty and Grace seeing the future Lady Blackwell as boring and cold. As they got to organize meeting together, they started to talk more often and became really good friends, seeing each other nearly every day, chatting about the way their day had gone or even gossiping sometimes.

Cassiopée: They were designated to be roommates from their first day at Cradle Central University. Despite having opposite personalities and major orientations (Cassiopée is studying engineering), they quickly became close friends, sharing everything from clothes to secrets. In the end, they even found out their boyfriends were best friends. They work out together several times per week and Cassiopée sometimes help Margareth during charity events (despite the fact she doesn't appreciate Grace). Cassiopée also made small weapons for Margareth in case she got assault when she is alone.

Uniforms:

They evolute depending on which year you’re in and on your faction (Black/Neutral/Red). You can choose but you don't belong to an army while you’re at the university. Fights aren’t allowed and all the teachers must keep neutral opinions! However, since Margareth is on a political science degree, I thought most of the students of this option, at least, must already have an opinion about which side they’re in.

First three years:

Black Faction - Red Faction - Neutral

Two last years:

Black Faction - Red Faction - Neutral

FINALLY!!!! I’m so late and I have the worst excuse in the world: I was lost in the uniforms. I really wanted all the factions to be equals and it took me DAYS to find the perfects uniforms. Also, I know I shouldn't have included factions but that was so tempting! Hope it's not too late, I’ll try to do Grace and/or Cassiopée this month and even to write a fic (maybe even NSFW, who knows?)

Tagging @lovingsiriusoswald and @emeraldtawny since it’s based on her University AU Headcanons

[hislittleflower-throughconcrete]

I’m gonna rant about disability services at private Catholic schools for a second

I will preface this by saying that this is my experience at both of the Catholic schools I attended growing up. If I am generalizing please correct me, let me know, but I believe this problem is pervasive in most private Catholic schools (probably not just Catholic private schools, but all private schools, but I’m not touching on that right now.)

My brother’s kindergarten teacher was the first person to identify that he had ADHD. My parents took him to the necessary doctors/professionals so see what they could do. However, the school that he (and I, as well as all of my siblings) went to only had one lady who acted as a “resource” for kids who were struggling. She was a mom, I don’t know if she had any training at all to deal with learning disabilities - I honestly think she just took kids out of class to give them extra time to practice certain reading and math skills. Because none of the teachers were trained in dealing with kids who had ADHD (let alone learning disabilities or special needs, which my brother didn’t have) there was a point where I, a 5th grader, got called out of my math class to come into his 2nd grade classroom to comfort my crying brother as the teacher said impatiently, “you deal with him.” That was when my parents decided to put him in public school because they had the resources to actually accommodate my brother.

Fast forward to high school, this time concerning myself. I was in and out of high school due to depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and an eating disorder. After the first hospitalization, I get back to school and discover that I am required to make up all of my work. All of it. At the same time as trying to complete the current work being assigned. I was so stressed and already a perfectionist that I went back tot he hospital for anxiety-induced suicidal urges directly related to being so overwhelmed with my life. This happened at least three other times - where I was hospitalized due to my inability to cope with my own deteriorating mental health on top of all of that work. My mom and I repeatedly explained this to my high school’s “school counselor” (again, not sure if this lady had any training at all, my school was notorious for hiring unqualified people just because they were good-hearted and faith-filled individuals). She and all of my teachers maintained that I must make up all of my work, months and months of tests, papers, projects, and even busywork. When we asked why this was so even though it posed a serious risk to my, ya’know, life, they said that at that present moment, too or three other students had been out “sick” for months at a time (one had mono and one had had a concussion) and if I got an exception it wasn’t fair to them. In other words: Justice, not Mercy. The fact that I could die from “some stress” never seemed to penetrate their consciousness. I distinctly remember my “guidance counselor” (as I sat in her office weeks into my summer break catching up on work from the previous year) saying off-hand when I mentioned the stress, “well, we can’t all take a vacation every time life gets too hard.”

Fast forward to college. We heard about this “disability services” thing during orientation. I looked closely at whatever pamphlet I had been handed, and it listed mental health issues as disabilities. What? My mom and I decided to check it out, saying “it would be really cool if I could have someone at this big college to talk to and goto if I am struggling with work,” thinking that that was all she could offer me - things like tutors and advice. After providing the hospital and doctor records to disability services, I find out that I qualify for extension for assignments, excused absences, extended time on tests, modified or completely excused assignments, and more, because of my mental health issues, without any professor allowed to ask me why other than “a disability-related reason.” They also appointed a disability services advocate whose job was to go to bat with my professors for me if they did not comply.

To say that we were floored would have been incorrect. I wasn’t floored. I just didn’t understand. I felt I was cheating. I didn’t even know this was allowed. How was this fair to the other students? “You have a disability, this is to allow you to do as well as someone who doesn’t have this disability.” You mean I just don’t have to suck it up and deal with my problems on my own time? I have a disability? What?

Okay. There are two points to this post. One is the obvious: Catholic schools, you are losing the opportunity for children with disabilities to be formed in the faith. Like it or not, the majority of parents and families aren’t the ones who teach the faith to their kids - either they learn it at Catholic school, or just don’t learn it at all.  I am aware this issue is heavily tied to funding, HOWEVER: disability services shouldn’t be this nifty add-on to a school, a novelty or a selling point. They should be a fundamental, integrated part of allowing students of all abilities to have the opportunity to be educated in their faith and a faith-filled environment. Parents should not have to choose, as my parents had to, between having their child grow up educated in the faith or actually being able to learn and be treated appropriately by teachers who understood him. (Yes, he still did CCD, but no, the CCD classes did not have disability-educated individuals teaching it - shocker. How much did he retain from it? A few weeks ago, he asked me what Pentecost was.) 

The second issue is more tied to my experience. You are damaging people’s perception of God and His Love. You are saying that those of disabilities - those same people Jesus healed and released from their pain and struggles in the Gospels - aren’t important enough to be accommodated using a basic section of the school’s budget. This may be controversial, but part of me thinks that a school shouldn’t exist at all if it doesn’t have the ability to accommodate children with physical, intellectual, psychological, or developmental disabilities - yes, even and especially Catholic schools. I had a severely damaged faith as a result of the attitude of my school - yaknow, the ones who taught me about God and Jesus. I graduated high school hearing about “mercy,” and hating the whole concept. I seethed every time I heard the prodigal son bible reading, because I hated the fact that the wayward son was allowed to do that without any punishment. I didn’t understand mercy and it made me angry. Everyone deserves justice, I thought, and mercy is the opposite - a hall pass for the weak and undeserving. I punished myself through self harm every time I got less than an A on a test, every time I said something stupid and felt embarrassed. The self-harming and perfectionistic inclinations were mine, but the importance of justice was fed to me by them. Self harm and suicidal ideation were listed as sins against the commandment “Thou Shalt Not Kill” without any mention about exceptions, or what to do if you felt that way. A teacher told us that the worst sin of all - above rape and murder of children - was desecration of the Eucharist by receiving it unfaithfully. I abstained from the Eucharist for years because I couldn’t stop cutting or disordered eating behaviors, and I was in a constant state of mortal sin (I thought) so I couldn’t receive. No one on staff was educated enough on mental health disabilities to point out that saying things like eating disorders, cutting, and suicidal ideation were sins could result from an illness, a disability, that was not being addressed. I told priest after priest that those were my sins, and to be fair, most asked if I was in therapy, but only one mentioned to me that he didn’t think that my cutting was “completely” a sin, that the guilt was reduced due to “addiction.” But I quickly disregarded that comment, because I was not giving myself a free pass. God deserves Justice - the least sin in His eyes breaks the whole Law. If an action hurts someone else or hurts God, the offended party deserves justice. Not excuses for weak people. Justice, not Mercy. 

But college was also the same time I was actually introduced to having a personal relationship with Jesus. The first time I confessed to a priest who immediately said that I was so, so wrong in my understanding of who God was and what He wanted of me. He rejoiced in me. In me. His unconditional love did not excuse my sins, but heal them. His Mercy was not a free pass of pity at my weakness, but the bandages in which He used to bind up my wounds. If I had learned about Mercy before this, it was not in this way. I was taught through actions, if not the words themselves, that justice for others was worth more than mercy on me. And even now I am stunned every time I am “ given a break.” Because that’s what it feels like, bosses and professors who accommodate my disability - them being generous. Not my basic needs being met.

Love the least in the eyes of the world, Catholic schools. Do better. Don’t consider yourself inclusive after building some wheelchair ramps and asking a parish mom to come in on Wednesdays to help the kids who “just aren’t getting it.” Work with families. Hire trained staff members - plural - who are equipped to deal with a wide range of disabilities, including learning disabilities, mental health issues, autism, and Down syndrome. The souls of all children with disabilities whose parents want their child to grow to know Jesus through their schools hangs in the balance. 

@patron-saint-of-smart-asses @catholicamputee @alwaysabeautifullife @hissaltandlight @tinycatholicbean and @ all other tumbler Catholics who either have a physical/mental disability or are parents of a child with one.

[mydivinepunishment]

Spiralling down academic failure due to PTSD

I am 11 years old. I read a lot of books. My mind is filled with questions and ideas. I frequently share them in my science class and my science teacher adores me. She says I'm destined for greatness.

I'm 12 years old. My English teacher teases me for my small height. But also acknowledges my strength in her subject. She tells me I'm a great poet and I should stop being so shy to show the world how good I am.

I'm 13 years old. This was my peak year. My grades are top notch. I have taken part in 2 sports competitions and one quiz in which I came out 1st, 1st and 2nd respectively. I'm the pride of the class. But there's some uncertainty in my eyes that seems to grow every minute. My science teacher notices it as I flinch when she raised her hand to yawn. She stares at me questioningly and thinks what my problem was. I'm scoring all As in her subject so why am I scared?

I'm 14 years old. And I fell down. My academic fell from As to B's and C's . I'm withdrawn and scared all the time. I don't speak up in class anymore and I don't eat my lunch. There is a suspicious redness on my cheeks and tired, watery eyes. No teacher notices a thing. They chalk it up to drugs and boys. I barely interact with people. My maths teacher told my parents that I'm terribly weak in her subject. There's a pop quiz. I'm the first to get to my answer. My maths teacher looks at my notebook, then in my eyes with surprise and a spark. And then she makes sure she gets me more interested in her subject because I've never been bad at her subject all I had been was lost.

I'm 15 years old. I drink at night by stealing from dad's stash. It's been a full year of physical and verbal abuse. I'm locked in my own home. I barely eat. I cut and I cry to sleep every night. Mum and dad take out their anger on me. But it's not my fault that dad cheated on mum with a maid. My marks drop terribly and then they stop when it gets too bad. They learn to control themselves more but the damage is done. 2 years is more than 700 days. I already have started having full blown panic attacks. I told my mother I'm depressed and she grits her teeth and demands if I should be in an insane asylum. I stop dad's hand as he attempts to hit me. Enough. I said. Since then I have never allowed him to raise a hand on me.

I'm 16 years old. I change schools to study science. The situation at home is calmer though it will never be the same . I'm finally making friends again. I need to grow so I force myself to take part in competitions. My physics teacher loves me. My English teacher loves me. And so many people start appreciating me and it feels so better even though there are days I still am verbally abused on dad's bad days to the point of shivering in fear and anxiety. I join boxing classes so I can make sure I never allow dad to hit me.No one saved me so I would save myself, I decided. And I also needed to protect my little brother.

I'm 17 years old. I get us consolation prize at my first MUN, I'm doing even better in physics. I take part in a bunch of competitions and the principal's calls for me and tells me how much she appreciates and respects me.A teacher gifted me a book. I am part of a beautiful trio of friends who help me through thick and thin. We go out for the class trip for a week and it's the happiest time of my life and I look forward to my next one. I realise even though my house is filled with shit, this whole world loves me. I go to the doctor for headaches and I got diagnosed for my anxiety instead. She says it's causing me to have stress-related reflux. I tell my parents and he screams around the house that the doctor is insane and wrong. He calls me names again and forbids me from going to the doctor.

I'm 18 years old. I go to a preparatory boarding school for entrance exams. I meet a school friend there who becomes my roommate. She nice but she was toxic, vulgar and manipulative. I get calls from my crying mother and brother when dad throws tantrums around the house when he's drunk. I have anxiety attack. I'm too far I don't know how to save my mummy and little brother.

I'm molested about 4 times that year. All by females.

3 times by my roommate and her friend who think it's a game to pull your clothes down and touch and grab at you wrongly. They were violent incidents of being restrained to bed by 2-4 girls which I tried to break free but my mouth was covered to muffle my screams as they made me feel vulnerable and terrible.

1 time by a close friend who I was snuggling in the blanket. She grabbed at me , at my butt, shoved her hands inside my shirt to feel every nook and cranny of my flesh and scratches and grabbed me. It felt nice.....but I didn't want to be touched.

I'm 19 years old and my mum calls me crying asking if she should call the police. I tell her she should. They come and restrain my father. His job is transferred away from home. He blames us all even though we're the victims.

I come home to my mother because she can't stay alone. I'm finally taken to a psychiatrist. I'm prescribed anti-depressants. I hope this is the last year I have to fight. I'm tired. I missed my teens. I can't miss anymore.

[notyobabygirl]

girl i’m so disappointed. i just finished my 2nd term of college and i was in a really hard biology class. like we legit had 3-5 assignments every week, a lab every week, and 2 quizzes a week. and my professor was super strict and not understanding at all. i worked soo hard in that class and i’m applying to nursing school so biology is one of the classes i need a C or above in. and i just checked my final grade and i got a D. like i am actually so disappointed and annoyed. i’m gonna have to retake it for a better grade and i legit worked my ass off yet it wasn’t enough. i’m gonna take it with a different professor next time and i definitely want to take it online again because that made it a lot less stressful for me (my campus is still closed rn). but like oh my god i’m so mad and it brought my GPA down so much. i almost had a 3.0 and now i have a 1.96. like i know this is only my 2nd term and i only have 6 classes on my record so far but omfg that is soo bad.

my first semester of college was literally so bad i don’t think my grades ever saw anything higher than a 75. i had to drop so many classes because i couldn’t get them up so then i became a part time student. i’m a senior now and completly recovered from it. i think almost every person i know got a D or lower in at least one college class. i have had to retake so many classes. it’s not the end of the world and you have so many opportunities to get it up trust me. also the next time you take it you will already know everything basically and it will be much easier. some teachers are just fucking impossible, i’m in this finance class and the teacher is so hard (currently have a 66 in the class). it happens to everyone don’t beat yourself up over this. you can’t change the past so just prepare for your upcoming classes and what you can do differently. ily

[meowingatthesea]

All the questions!!!

all of them? Oh geeze okay! 1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?nope sorry Charlie2. You talked to an ex today, correct?how do you define ex? cause ive talked to someone I broke up with and then got back together with 3. Have you taken someones virginity?nope4. Is trust a big issue for you?yeah trust is very important and hard to earn for me 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?Saw them last Sunday!6. What are you excited for?uh Deutschlager should be fun hopefully maybe I’m also hella stressed about it though 7. What happened tonight?answered already 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?No? I mean I get concerned for their health but its not disgusting and its their choice 9. Is confidence cute?yes10. What is the last beverage you had?a warm juice box 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?nah I don’t feel like defining my friends by sexual organs rn 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?no way13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?zone out as I scroll on Tumblr as I try and forget the SAT I just took and the evening I spent with extended family 14. What are you going to spend money on next?already answered 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?yup! 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?clothing? Yes. Dramatic personality shift? No. Minor changes? Oh for sure 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?A few of my friends 18. The last time you felt broken?last tuesday night 19. Have you had sex today?nah dude 20. Are you starting to realize anything?that even the most well intentioned teachers suck and I shouldn’t have done the IB program. Also that talking about the holocaust in German class is AWKWARD 21. Are you in a good mood?already answered 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?yeah I don’t know the meaning of fear or stupidity23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?I think?24. What do you want right this second?im in a library and perfectly content to say nothing 25. What would you say if the person you like kissed another girl/boy?a) I’d be surprised theyre not that type of person b) I’d shrug and say “yeah that’s fair I’ve done it enough”26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?yup 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?not at all 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?already answered 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?see that’s the issue with having friends all across the country you’re always missing someone 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?no 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?no. He’s not my favorite and he needs to learn that poking me is not an appropriate greeting but nah he’s chill. 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?we’re dating I sure hope so 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?I don’t drink regular but that’s cause diabetes. I drink diet though 34. Listening to?@allhailthejellybeanmonarch’s spotify playlist 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?already answered 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?probably chilling with their dog at their house? 37. Do you believe in love at first sight?no 38. Who did you last call?my grandparents to see if I could get a ride home from school 39. Who was the last person you danced with?My mom, at my cousin’s bar mitzvah 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?I’m dating them and they’re cute?41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?Valentine’s day my school gives out free cupcakes then42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?already answered 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?okay buddy so my datemate and I met in kindergarten, and I promptly made them hate me from 2nd-8th grade, so yeah you could say that. 44. Do you tan in the nude?No 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?nope 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?not last night 47. Who was the last person to call you?some random ass number that I don’t know and ignored 48. Do you sing in the shower?YES49. Do you dance in the car?already answered 50. Ever used a bow and arrow?a life goal for a solid 6 years was to be Artemis so yes 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?2 weeks ago at my cousin’s bar mitzvah 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?BUDDY HAVE YOU LOOKED AT MY BLOG 53. Is Christmas stressful?any season dedicated to goysiche nonsense is 54. Ever eat a pierogi?yeah they’re okay55. Favorite type of fruit pie?pecan isn’t a fruit but pecan 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?already answered 57. Do you believe in ghosts?depends on the day 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?yup. 59. Take a vitamin daily?yup. 60. Wear slippers?nope. 61. Wear a bath robe?some times. 62. What do you wear to bed?NFTY NW sweats and a leopard print button down 63. First concert?already answered64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?Target 65. Nike or Adidas?Neither 66. Cheetos Or Fritos?Cheetos are the only chips I eat 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?Neither 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?no clue 69. Ever take dance lessons?do forced square dance lessons through the public school system count?70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?already answered71. Can you curl your tongue?yes72. Ever won a spelling bee?no 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?I don’t think so74. What is your favorite book?you can’t make me choose75. Do you study better with or without music?with 76. Regularly burn incense?no 77. Ever been in love?already answered78. Who would you like to see in concert?so many people!!! Mostly Broadway people 79. What was the last concert you saw?N/A 80. Hot tea or cold tea?hot always 81. Tea or coffee?tea always I hate coffee 82. Favorite type of cookie?any cookie I don’t care83. Can you swim well?Well enough to not drown 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?already answered85. Are you patient?not at all 86. DJ or band, at a wedding?band 87. Ever won a contest?not that I recall 88. Ever have plastic surgery?No 89. Which are better black or green olives?BLACK 90. Opinions on sex before marriage?its fine dude 91. Best room for a fireplace?already answered92. Do you want to get marriedAt somepoint in the unseen undefined future

Thanks for the ask anon!!!! @ everyone else in sorry for such a long post

[titseryani-blog]

it’s real

Twas a very tiring and dark week for me.. It’s the first week of classes.. the adjustment was really hard.. i felt how my students go weak because of their internet connections.. how they are accepting the fact that this is the new normal.. being able to talk to them was golden but seeing some not being able todo so crush my heart.. i intend to be a very patient and understanding teacher this school year.. i hope i can keep this promise.

in this week also, 2 of my cousins get tested positive for CoVid-19.. my heart gets broken.. 

My nurse aid cousin is asymptomatic.. we are safe at home for he doesn’t go home, he is a stay-in nurse aid and only goes home when he tested negative already.. he had 7 swab tests already.. on in his eighth, he got the virus.. he is now in isolation in a facility for front-liners like him.. Am I scared? YES.. this virus is creepy.. but I am assured that he is doing his best to recover.. he had accepted the fact that he is susceptible to get the virus, for he is a nurse aid and he cares for CoVid positive patients in their hospital.. and I know how he is in facing problems, yes he is tough, and I believe that he can surpass this.. 

My 2nd cousin was brought to the hospital last Monday due to difficulty of breathing, we had contact with his family members.. so yeah.. I think we are for swab testing too.. He is symptomatic and is also in isolation in a hospital nearby.. his family blocks news of him so we just try to get news from other people connected to him.. This I am afraid.. I know him.. he is dependent of people around him.. he hates pain and complains of even small things.. and now he is alone there.. suffering alone in his room.. all we could do is pray that he will be OK.. 

I now worry for my brother-in-law, another nurse aid in another hospital, and another cousin who is a nurse in another hospital too.. I pray that they would be more careful and that the virus would not get into them..

This virus is really fatal.. not only to the ones who got it but also to the family.. it incapacitates ones mind to think properly.. the ones with the disease overthinks.. the ones without overthinks.. The stress will kill you.. It only doesn’t affect your respiratory system but also your mind.. 

I am very stressed right now.. I felt that the caution we did for several months already faltered.. I can feel my wall collapsing.. but i cannot show them i am weak.. i need to stand straight and look them in the eye and tell everyone that everything is gonna be OK.. I am that.. I am the pillar that everyone tends to hold on to.. I am their source of strength that I cannot falter.. I can not show any sign that I am crying.. that I am weak.. that I am crumbling.. Our family is falling apart and I have to be the bond that will connect us all.. I should be the one picking them up and putting them in their places.. I agreed to subject my family to the swab test.. with fear in their eyes they agreed.. but my heart is breaking.. I feel like I disappointed them.. I made them believe, and made myself believe, that it is OK and that it is for our own good.. I want to point fingers.. i want to blame people.. but what else can i do.. its done now.. and all we can do is pray..

Oh Lord, please help my family.. give us strength o Lord to be able to surpass this.. I know as a family we can.. If we just hold on to each other and fight this battle together.. I know we will be able to win this.. Oh Lord heal my cousins and make us protected.. I beg you to heal them Lord for i don’t know how to continue without them.. make them well.. make them strong.. give them the strength to fight this virus oh Lord.. give them clarity in mind and in spirit.. save them oh Lord.. give my family wisdom and strength to understand and accept the things that we are going through oh Lord.. Make us be better persons after this too..

My strength is flailing.. I can’t look my daughter in the eye and tell her everything will be OK.. she is my strength.. but I am flailing.. make her understand me too oh Lord.. have I failed oh Lord, if I do make me realize my faults and give me a second chance to correct everything.. am i not brave enough to stand on what I believe in? make me learn from this oh Lord.. but please keep my family together and safe.. 

Is this real? 

I hope that i would wake up and realize that all of this was just a nightmare..

[dandelliongirl]

New year

And a new decade!

Wow, what an original title.

My Christmas vacation was amazingly cozy. I spent the 23rd-27th of December at home with mum and dad. On the 23rd me and mum went to the flea market to buy yarn and thin knitting needles for my bunny plushie project. We also found an adorable winter themed PowerPuff Girls duvet cover that I got to have in my bed for the holidays.♥

On Christmas Eve I got to watch morning cartoons on mum’s new sofa in my soft Oodie. We spent Christmas Eve traditionally having rice porrige for breakfast, going to take candles to the graves, going to the sauna and having a delicious dinner of smoked fish, salads, roast, mashed sweet potato, fried carrot and parsnip, and a dessert of home made gingerbread ice cream. Then we watched From all of us to all of you and handed out presents. My photo book was a big hit and made both mum and dad tear up. They both loved their moomin themed presents as well. I got Jamie Oliver’s VEG cook book, a radio for my summer house, a face wash from the Body Shop, and some gloves that got mixed up with dad’s at some point. Now mine are pink and mum has a purple pair. My dad also got me a 100 square meters of protected forest that will by law be kept in its natural state forever, which is an incredibly magical and special gift. ♥

On Christmas morning we woke up to the most beautiful snowy landscape and a calm little snowfall. Me and mum shovelled the driveway and went for a really long magical walk to the beach and around our area. The beach was full of little lanterns and candles burning in the snow. In the evening I started knitting my bunny plushie with the instructions found on the book I got at grandmum’s place. Mum helped me get started but I made her entirely by myself. By January 19th she already has a face too, with only a few details missing.

On Boxing Day me and dad drove to see the cousins and mum went to see granny and grandpa. It was really good seeing my cousins again for the first time since I think last Christmas (?), and dad’s cousin visited my aunt that day as well, so dad and his sister got to see their cousin as well. Me and my twin cousins finally made a Whatsapp group, which will make keeping in touch a lot easier.

On the 27th I came back to the apartment to spend some time working on my projects (and play some Sims..). My guy came back home on the 28th and we opened the rest of our presents. We got some cute kitty mugs and some (less cute) moomin pillowcases. I got new socks from my guy’s grandpa and my guy got me the brick oven bakery and the pizza delivery set of Sylvanian Families! ♥ My guy loved his Otamatone and we’ve had a lot of fun with it. ♫

We spent the day before New Years with my twin cousins who came over. We went to a trampoline park and Burger King, and played some Smash Bros Ultimate and Mario Kart. Then we spent about 4 hours until 2 am playing Overcooked. One of the twins works at a fast food restaurant so he was really damn good at coordinating our team. We decided that we would only accept 3 stars and had to spend a lot of time on some of the stages, but it was a blast. My guy is really bad at communication and team work though (heh, sorry) so it sucked for whoever was on his side. My cousins left on the morning of New Years Eve, and our friends came over around 6 pm. We made pizza, talked, went to see the mayor’s speech and watched the fireworks. For once the weather was completely clear and comfortably warm so the fireworks were a lot of fun. After midnight we spent the rest of the night until 6 am playing a quiz game, cards against humanity and Overcooked. I’m so glad I went back to work on the 7th and not on the 2nd.

My New Year’s resolutions this time are to continue working on my crafts and finish at least 2 of them, to only buy recycled items (apart from a couple things that I’ve planned on and needed to buy for a while), trying to spend a plastic free July (no single use plastics or plastic packaging), continuing my photo project with at least 3 photoshoots, working on my grimoire and finishing at least 12 pages, continuing to play the piano and get better at reading sheet music, spending the coziest and witchiest summer at my cottage/summer house, reading/listening to books and stretching/body care. A lot of these are things that are already habits and a part of my life so they aren’t that big of a deal even though the list is long. Mainly my resolutions are there just to push me to continue creating. I have set a date around midsummer/Litha to check my progress. So far piano has definitely already fallen behind so I need to try and pick that back up real soon. I have my new pile of sheet music books to start with.

So my winter has been filled with cottage visits nearly every weekend. At Christmas we went for a bonfire and carols. We have been feeding lots of little birds, walking in the nature and even went ice skating last weekend. This winter has been almost entirely snowless and very warm, and the birds are already singing and starting to nest even though it’s only January. There is no snow on the lake ice so last weekend my mum, dad and I had a perfect private skating rink with some magical sunshine and beautifully frosted trees. These are the moments that make winter worth it even though the lack of snow makes everything so dark, which makes me so incredibly sleepy. Luckily the days get about 7 minutes longer every day. It’s already almost light out when I leave work. Only 3-4 more months until we get to spend more time at the summer house, and soon I’ll be out there on that lake on my SUP board. That place truly heals me and helps me remember what's important in life. Nature is always beautiful no matter the weather, and everything over there has a purpose, unlike in the city.

Almost all of my apple seeds sprouted, and every one of my first saplings has already died from what I suspect is the lack of light. Some of the second batch are still alive, and I’ve got a third batch to plant. Hopefully those will make it to be planted outside. I even picked up a board from our cottage shed to make a windowsill in the kitchen for the saplings.

My guy and I have been enjoying our second playthrough of the Witcher 3, this time on the Switch. I love laying on the sofa all warm and cozy in my Oodie and working on my crafts, or putting photos in an album while he plays. Our PC playthrough was tedious because I had to sit down and do nothing through hours of gwent or side quests. Now I get to lie down and work on my own projects during the side quests. The PS2 era graphics do bother me a bit, but the story is immersive enough and the cutscene quality is not reduced too bad.

The first 2 weeks of work have been pretty decent. I’ve even had a couple of good days. ☼ I’m about to start a rough spring of trainings for both staff and teachers, which will be mentally exhausting, but I will try to keep myself busy with hobbies, and enjoy the coming spring to the fullest. January has already flown by, which is both exciting and scary. As for working out, this spring I’ve got a lineup of body combat, the occasional 45 minute guided meditation class (which I love because last week we had a body scan meditation and that’s my favourite type), HIIT ‘45 whenever I can leave work early to go to class, and ballet.

Yesterday we celebrated grandad's 90th birthday. Lately I’ve been really sad thinking about my aging grandparents. I recently went through my old post cards because I’m planning on making some crafts with them, and while doing that I found all of granny and grandpa’s letters and post cards and got some very emotional flashbacks to my childhood and the stories grandmum used to tell me. After a few glasses of cognac grandpa gave me a really emotional and sweet speech about how proud he is of me and how he remembers the time the swing in their yard broke down from under me and the times he taught me how to ski. He has truly taught me to never give up and be resilient in everything I do. I love my grandparents so much and I want to try and spend as much time with them as possible. It is so unfair that we never get enough time to spend with all the loved ones... Regardless, happy 90th birthday to the best grandpa. ♥ ♥ I love you so much.

Speaking of family and celebrations, I was asked to be a bridesmaid to my friend whom I've known since kindergarten. It is an incredible honor and I really can’t put into words how special it is to have someone who’s known me since I was 4 years old - and now she’s getting married! I will do my best to make her day special, but it is a lot of stress and pressure on me - especially as I’ve never planned a wedding and I’ve only been to 2 in very recent years. Her other bridesmaid got engaged the same week as she did so they are both planning on getting married the same month. We’ll see how that goes, and if one of them has to postpone their wedding or not, but regardless the other bridesmaid won’t have as much time and focus for my friend as I will since she’ll be planning her own wedding at the same time.

I think we only have 61 or 62 days until Animal Crossing New Horizons, and still no AC direct. Instead we’ve had a Pokémon direct and a Smash Bros direct.. If preordering seems worth it and/or there is a Switch console bundle I’ll take the 20th of March off work to go get it in the morning. We were planning on taking a trip to Japan this spring but we’ve postponed it until the autumn since the Super Nintendo World will be opening in the summer, and my guy can earn some money at his summer job.

Me and my friend were going to have a photoshoot today but the weather isn’t great (it’s very windy) and she had a weird stomach bug last night so we postponed. Instead I’m trying to finish up some odd to-do list jobs so that I can start preparing for Imbolc. It’s coming up so fast, but that’s also very exciting. ☼

[treebitchevan1]

I Promise {Connor Murphy imagine}

wooo first requested fic! This one is pretty heavy IMO so read at your own risk. ok i’ve never smoked/drank before so cut me a little slack if i messed up in that department. any who, requests are always open, and i’m pretty much okay with writing anything! any questions, just ask me. enjoy!

Warnings:Swearing, Drugs, ALCOHOL,Divorce/fighting parents

word count: 1423

Y/n had always been that girl. The girl that had the seemingly perfect life. She did, at one point. Have what you’d call the perfect life. Y/n had it all. Good grades, a solid group of friends, a loving boyfriend, a decently large house, you get the idea. Everyone idolized Y/n’s life. It was practically picture perfect. That’s what she wanted her peers to think. Y/n’s real life consisted of dealing with the stress of keeping her 4.0 average. The anxiety that seeps through her whenever she talks to someone. Having to listen to her parent’s marriage crumble little by little, every day. Having to constantly put on this mask to make sure no one can see how hurt she is inside.

Y/n slammed her locker shut, only to be met with the eyes of her boyfriend, Connor Murphy. Yes, Connor Murphy: the school freak show. Yes, Connor Murphy: the kid who hurled a printer at his teacher in 2nd grade. Yes, that Connor. Y/n had gone through that conversation thousand of times. Frankly, she got tired of it. To her, Connor wasn’t a freak, he was a beautiful soul that deserved the world.

“You look upset” Connor stated, looking worried.

“I’m fine, i promise okay? You don’t need to worry about me.” Y/n  replied, pulling the tall boy down for a quick peck.

    Y/n had never told anyone about her home life, not even Connor. He didn’t need to worry about her, he had enough on his plate already.

    As the two ventured home, Connor spoke up. “You’d tell me if something was bothering you, right?” Y/n sighed. “Yes, i swear Connor, please don’t worry about me.” “I just want you to be okay” Connor stopped walked, tugging Y/n to a stop. “Connor, I-” “Why don’t you come over tonight and we’ll de-stress a little, huh?” Connor suggested, tracing circles into Y/n’s hands.

“By de-stress you mean…”

    “It means you’ll just have to trust me, Y/n”

    De-stressing for Connor is getting completely shitfaced off of whatever he could find in Larry’s liquor cabinet, and getting so high he can barely remember his name.

So there Y/n sat, cradling a bottle of vodka, and giggling up a storm.

    “C-Con, I loOove you SO MUCH. Did you know that? SO MUCH” Y/n proclaimed, crawling over to her insanely high boyfriend, who just laughed and roped his arm around her.

This continued every weekend, Y/n would head to Connor’s house, get plastered, and call it a night. Y/n started to “let loose” as her boyfriend would say, and her grades started showing it.

    “Y/n?” Your mother called. “Care to explain why you went from straight As last month to… To this bullshit?” She shoved her tablet in Y/n’s face, showing her that she was pulling Cs in every class. Y/n shoved the tablet away. “Jesus Christ, Can you lighten up a little? It’s not like i’m failing. It’ll be fine.” Y/n scoffed, running back to her room. She slammed the door shut, lunging toward a drawer in her nightstand, and pulled out a baggie of weed, rolling paper, and a lighter Connor had given her over the past few months. Y/n heard her father start yelling, followed by her mother shortly after. Her parents had been arguing over every single thing for as long as she could remember Sometimes they’d fight over the dumbest things, i.e. what they were having for dinner or who didn’t clean up what. Other times, the times Y/n would drown out with alcohol, they’d fight over whether or not they’d have enough money to sustain living their current lifestyle. Or whether Mom was screwing the neighbors again. This night in particular though, was the worst of all. No matter how much Y/n smoked, or how much she drank, she couldn’t phase out her parents. It was nearly 2 hours of back and forth between Y/n’s parents, When she heard her dad let out one more “Fuck You” followed by a door slamming.

    The following week Y/n’s mother broke the news. Her parent’s were getting divorced. She wasn’t shocked, she knew it was coming. Y/n continued to block everything out, which ultimately led her to start blocking the important people in her life out.

    It had been 3 weeks since Y/n had found out about her parent’s incoming divorce, yet she hadn’t told a soul. She became distant from her friends, making snappy remarks every time they’d ask what’s wrong. Y/n had even started to distance herself from the one person who’d been trying to help the entire time. Connor.

    “Y/n, maybe we should ease up on the alcohol, eh?” Connor stated, growing annoyed at his girlfriend’s once again drunken state. Y/n rolled her eyes. “Not nearly drunk enough to deal with your shit right now, Connor.” Y/n mumbled, taking another swig of whatever she had in her hand. “I don’t know what the fuck is up with you, but i’d really appreciate it if my own fucking girlfriend would tell me what’s going on. That was the moment Y/n snapped. “You know what Connor, Go fuck yourself. You’re the one who told me i needed to “let loose” and now you’re getting pissed at me because i am? Fuck you. I don’t need this.” Y/n sneered, slamming Connor’s door.  

    Y/n ignored Connor’s texted for a week until he stopped messaging her. Y/n was officially on her own now. She had completely isolated herself from everyone, and she only got worse after her feud with Connor. She pitied herself. Over the course of her downfall, She managed to snag a fake I.D., since she wanted to experience the club scene. What Y/n didn’t realize is that clubbing isn’t exactly a fun activity to do alone.

    So there she sat. outside of the busy club, not knowing what to do. Y/n played back Her and Connor’s argument over and over again in her head. She absolutely hated herself for being so selfish and cold to the one person who cared about the person behind the facade. Y/n broke down. She couldn’t believe she let herself stoop this low. Y/n sniffled through her sobs and texted Connor her location.

    Connor hesitated, before slamming the gas, desperately trying to find Y/n”

She’s passed out, propped up by the walls of whatever dingy club she was at. Connor sighed, picked her up and placing her in the front seat of his car.

    Y/n awoke, laying in Connor’s lap. She looked up at him and he head shot up, not even caring about the overwhelming pain from her hangover. “Before you start apologizing, i want to. I did this. I convinced you that you needed to loosen up. So i made you drink. I made you smoke. I made you think it was doing you good and i turned you into this monster that ruined your life. I-I’m so fucking sorry, Y/n, You have every right to hate me I just-I wanted to know what was wrong, I just wanted to help, You don’t deserve to end up fucked up, I-I I am so sorry.” Connor had tears streaming down his face. Y/n looks at him, and her heart shatters. She did this. She made him feel this way. “Connor-I-i’m-I’m sorry, i shouldn’t have snapped at you, i shouldn’t have been so fucking cold towards you. You’re my everything and you don’t deserve to treated that way, I-fuck, I love you.” Y/n couldn’t control what she was saying, and in that moment, she knew she needed to open up. “Connor, I only did it to relieve stress. I never told you how fucked my life came out. My grades? Fucked. My friends? They all hate me now. My parents are getting a fucking divorce and i never told anyone. I kept everything in because i didn’t want people to worry about me. People think I have this perfect life, like i’m fucking Barbie or some shit. I’m not. My life is so fucked. I’m sorry i never told you anything I-I’m sorry, fuck, i ruined everything” Y/n confessed, sobbing into Connor’s arm. “Hey, Hey, It’ll be okay, i’m here now, and i’m not going anywhere.” Connor held Y/n close, rubbing circling on her back.

“Do you promise?”

    “I promise.”