#29 days of studying | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

snaillamp · 1 year ago

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Jod - Day 29

Finally getting this posted. I have had a busy couple weeks, but I have finally finished! Nearly a whole month late lmao. Day 30 coming soon! I have Day 13 extension on the way and Enjar will return in the next few posts so check back and see what I come up with! I think I’m gonna self indulge a little.

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Masterlist

Day 29: “It’s really not that big of a deal.” | Bruises | Secret | Acceptance | The team finally, tiredly made their way back to their quarters. They were all completely drained, having barely escaped without major injury from Whumper. None of them were themselves, but they all noticed Leader was quieter than usual. They usually had some speech or debrief, even after traumatic mission like this one, but they just went straight to their room, not making eye contact with anyone. The team all brushed it off, they could all barely stand, Leader would probably wake them up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and have the meeting then.

Leader managed to make it to their room, fumbling with the door as the world lurched beneath them. They shut it, waiting for the click of it locking before they let out a sigh. They had been holding in their breath, trying to keep it together until they could get here. Collapsing to their knees with a shudder they winced, grabbing at their stomach. They knew the bruises would be deep and black against their skin, their muscles rippling in pain as they gingerly pressed their abdomen. At least it didn’t feel like they were bleeding internally, they knew that feeling all too well.

Looking up at their soft, comfy bed from the ground, they realised they didn’t have the energy to crawl up to it, but the thought was too tantalising. Forcing themself to crawl on their hands and knees, they dragged their shaking body to the bed. Reaching it, they pulled themself up and collapsed face first into the pillow with a groan. They rolled further onto the mattress with a gasp of pain, not even bothering to pull off their shoes or pull up the sheets before passing out almost instantly.

That night Leader’s mind was empty, not even having the energy to dream.

They woke the next morning, startled as realised they hadn’t changed clothes or even moved an inch from the position they had fallen asleep in. Clods of mud stained their sheets as they sat up, immediately regretting the decision to do so. Crying out in pain, a sound that escaped them before they could even stop it, they clutched their stomach again. Delicately lifted their shirt, Leader glaced at the bruises, darker and bigger than they had ever seen and they seemed to be spreading.

Scanning the rest of their body for other wounds, their arms, shoulders and face turned out to be in much the same shape as their stomach, albeit slightly less severe. They didn’t even want to know what their legs looked like, but they already felt like jelly.

Wincing as they lifted their boots off the bed sheets, Leader cringed at the thought of having to change them now that they were muddy. They limped to the dresser, grabbing the comfiest, loosest clothing they had and hobbled to their bathroom. They thanked their stars that their quarters included a small ensuite, they couldn’t imagine having to share a bathroom with their team and risking them seeing them like this. The last thing Leader wanted was for them to see their body in this state. They knew that the team would be burdened with unnecessary worry if they saw the state of their body, especially their stomach.

“I guess that’s what happens when you take a beating with a concrete block to the guts.” They mumbled, half amused at their bad joke whilst they checked their reflection in the mirror. Seeing their haggard body staring back at them made them pause, realising the gravity of their injuries. Gingerly removing the rest of their clothing, they turned on the hot water and walked into the steaming shower, melting away all the blood, mud and sweat from the night before. Usually they would spend ages in there, rubbing everything clean with soap and shampoo, but they could hardly move due to how sore they were. Deciding to lean on the wall and appreciate the warmth engulfing them, Leader gently washed what they could, before turning off the water.

Regretting the decision almost immediately, they shivered in the absence of the heat. This caused waves of pain to wrack their body as their muscles tensed. Grunting, Leader reached for the towel beside the shower, wrapping it around them to conserve what warmth they had.

Eventually, Leader managed to shrug on their new, fresh clothes. Leaving the towel crumpled on the floor, they walked back to their bed slower than ever, collapsing into the muddy sheets. They didn’t even care anymore. Groaning quietly in pain, Leader clutched their stomach, their whole body aching. They stared at the ceiling, watching it blur and unblur as they began to feel slightly cold. Lifting their aching arm, they glanced at their watch, head pounding. “Shit.” They groaned again, this time in annoyance. It was 1 pm.

Sitting up, they shuddered as pain washed over them again. Slowly forcing themself to stand, Leader walked to their door, spying the hoodie hanging from the hook on it. It was their favourite one, massive and baggy and it smelled nice too. Grimacing as they grabbed it pulled it over their body, they took a breath before opening the door and going out into the common area.

Right Hand had their foot resting on the coffee table, huddled under a blanket with Youngest while they watched a movie. Teammate was leaning on the kitchen counter, headphones on, shadows under their eyes, waiting for their hot soup to warm up. All three looked at Leader as they entered the room. Leader could tell they were all thinking the same thing, but they ignored it, giving everyone a firm nod before making their way to the fridge. They opened the door, much to their arm’s distain, and grabbed the first thing they saw. Looking down at their hand, they sighed at the half opened bottle of apricot juice, walking to a cabinet and grabbing a glass.

They weren’t really a juice drinker, but they didn’t really give a shit at that moment. Skulling the chilled juice, they set it by the sink, not enjoying the cold sensation of the liquid travelling through them.

Right Hand looked over at Leader, who had grabbed the edge of the sink and shivered slightly. “Hey Leader?” Leader looked over at them, quickly masking what ever it was that was nothing them. “Come over here, you look tired.” Right Hand lifted the blanket, revealing more space for a third to join. Leader nodded, shuffling over to Right Hand’s side and lowering themself down onto the couch with a restrained groan.

Leader looked pretty stiff and sore, which made sense to Right Hand, given the fact there was a massive black bruise covering half of Leader’s left cheek and most of their eye.

Wrapping the blanket over Leader, who practically melted into the soft couch Right Hand snuggled against them. Leader felt Right Hand’s body come to rest against theirs’ and could only think one thing: ‘Oh no.’ as a tiny amount Right Hand’s weight leaned against them. Leader tried to stop the hiss that flew from their body as they tensed, but it was too late. Right Hand shot back, looking embarrassed. “Oh, Leader, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you! I didn’t know!” Leader raised a hand to stop them. “It’s fine, I’m just a little banged up right now.” Their voice sounded terrible, all strained and hoarse.

Guilt twinged in Leader, Right Hand always needed physical comfort after missions like they had just had. They had always been the most physically affectionate one of the team, showering everyone with gentle hugs and snuggles. Biting back the pain, they wrapped their arm around Right Hand, letting them rest their head against their chest, their heart pounding as they swallowed the pain. It was worth it though.

The next few day was fine, Leader’s body was aching less and the bruises were healing, except for one. The stomach bruise didn’t seem to be going away, which worried Leader. Even the harshest ones on their back and chest had begun to turn brown and green, shrinking a little. ‘It doesn’t seem to be going away.’ They thought, concern flickering through their mind as they checked their reflection in the bathroom mirror. Dropping the hem of their shirt, Leader sighed, leaving the bathroom and walking to their office, the paperwork they had been putting off weighing on their mind instead.

That night, they limped across the complex, having stayed way too late in their office typing out reports and sifting through documents. They noticed someone pacing around outside, shrouded in darkness. When they approached the figure, they realised it was a familiar face.

“Teammate?” Leader asked, leaning slightly as they stopped, looking at their friend. Teammate kept pacing, their headphones still on their head. “Teammate? You okay?” Leader asked suspiciously, taking a painful step forward. The world tilted a little as they did, forcing Leader to quickly steady themself.

Teammate glanced up at the movement, finally noticing Leader. “Shit! I mean crap, I mean-” Leader chuckled, waving their hand at Teammate. “It’s fine, I’d be swearing too, don’t worry.” They stood a little straighter, swallowing a grunt, eyeing Teammate with suspicion as another wave of nausea rippled in their mind slightly. Teammate pulled the headphones off their head. “Sorry, Leader, I just…” They glanced away, sheepish. “I can’t sleep. Every time I shut my eyes I…” Teammate’s voice wavered. Leader nodded knowingly. “Why don’t we go for a little walk? We can talk about it, just you and me. No one else has to know.”

Teammate nodded as Leader smiled gently, biting back the urge to scream in pain. They had to be there for their friend, their team mate, as their friend and as their Leader. Wrapping their arm around Teammate’s shoulders and leaning against them as they walked around the complex.

There were some nice gardens around the buildings, plenty of large trees to cast pleasant shade in the day and neatly trimmed bushes lining pathways. Leader shivered slightly against Teammate as they lead them around the garden, listening to them vent about their nightmares. They came to stop under a light attached to their quarters, where they looked at Leader properly for the first time that night.

Leader had begun to lean heavily on Teammate as they stopped. “Wow, you’re still pretty bruised up, hey?” Leader didn’t reply, making Teammate look over at them. “Leader?” They asked, ripping Leader’s mind from the pounding in their head. “You okay?” Leader nodded, “Just tired.” They moved to lean against the wall, as Teammate turned to face them properly. “You don’t look okay, Leader.” Leader yawned, shaking their head. “Promise, ‘m jus’… tired.” They thought about Teammate’s nightmares, what they could do to help. “Look… You’re more than cap…” Another wave of nausea hit them, making them moan slightly.

Letting a shaky breath out, they tried again. “You’re more than capable of handling yourself out there. I trust your judgement.” Leader was fighting to keep their eyes fixed on Teammate’s worried face. “I’d book an appointment tomorrow. There’s no shame going in, we all go. Talk to someone about the dreams, get health… healthy coping mechanisms… It’s really not that big of a deal... to go... you know?” Leader was struggling to keep their train of thought as they spoke their words carefully, slightly slower than normal.

Teammate felt a knot of fear grow in their gut as Leader began to sink down the wall. They were sweating slightly under the light. Reaching out, they pulled Leader up causing them to wince and blink rapidly. “Woooah. That woke me up…” They mumbled in shock, getting their footing. They sighed quickly, catching their reeling mind and finally getting their words out. “I’m glad you felt comfortable telling me this Teammate. I want you to go and book an appointment and get this sorted out, okay? You’re an invaluable member of our team and our friend, we wanna see you do well.” Leader laid a steady hand on Teammates shoulder, grunting in pain.

“You should take your own advice, you know.” Teammate met Leader’s eyes, knowingly. “I’m fine. Really.” Leader shuddered again as a cold wind blew around them. “Let’s get you to bed, huh?” Leader continued, ending the conversation. As they walked to Teammate’s room, Teammate tried again. “Leader, you look weird.” They noticed Leader’s arm wrap protectively around their waist as they walked, making Teammate frown. “You’re hurt?” Leader shook their head. “It’s really not that big of a deal. Just the bruises from the mission being a little stubborn. They’re fine but…” Leader glanced away, “They still hurt like shit.” Leader glanced at Teammate, who seemed satisfied with the answer, pausing as they reached Teammate’s door.

Teammate looked embarrassed for a moment, looking at their door. “Uh… L-Leader…” They stuttered, unsure if they should ask. “Mmm?” Leader replied, looking at them curiously. “Could I have… a hug?” Teammate stared at their feet as Leader shuffled. ‘I blew it. That was so dumb, holy shit.’ They thought to themself, before Leader’s arms wrapped around them. “Of course you can. Any time. I’m here for you, Teammate.” Leader mumbled in their ear. Teammate felt the anxiety of the night drop out of them as Leader’s strong arms wrapped around them, holding them close. But they couldn’t help but notice how heavily they were leaning into Teammate as they stood.

Drawing back, Teammate watched Leader yawn, stretch, wince painfully and rub their face. “Well, I gotta go to bed before I fall asleep in your doorway… Night, Teammate…” Leader waved a little as Teammate entered their room, shutting their door with a click.

Leader let out a breath when they heard the sound, staggering as they collapsed into the wall next to them. There was a soft thud as they hit the wall, before Leader pushed up and off it, making their way back to their room, as the world started spinning. “I don’… know how… long… I can keep this… up…” They gasped to themself as spots began to appear in their vision. Pulling open their door, they staggered into their room, shutting it gently and stumbling as the ground seemed to come rushing at their face.

Leader awoke to birdsong, groaning as they clutched their stomach, still in pain. As they came to, they noticed they were on the ground, having never made it to their bed. They shivered, feeling colder than ever. Whimpering, they crawled towards their bed, before the world slid sideways and they landed painfully on their side, panting. They forced themself to their hands and knees again, managing to reach the side of their bed, crawling in and pulling their blankets up their body. They were shaking, freezing cold as they huddled under the blanket looking for any semblance of warmth.

A soft knock woke them from their slumber. Moaning as they sat up and shuddering in pain, they reached for the hoodie, left crumpled on the floor. Pulling it on, they stood shakily and made their way to the door, trying to push the vertigo from their mind. They gripped the door handle, steadying themself and sighing, before pulling it open. Teammate was standing outside their door.

“Teammate? You okay?” Teammate shook their head. Leader looked around realising it was still night time. “You slept all day… I didn’t wanna be the reason that you did…” Teammate shuddered as they sniffed, trying to hold back tears. “Teammate-” Leader pulled them into a hug, “Honestly, I didn’t realise I’d slept that long.” Leader mumbled into Teammate’s shoulder. “I forgot to set my alarm.” Leader pushed off Teammate’s shoulder’s nodding at them. “Wanna go for another walk?” Teammate nodded, wiping a tear from their eye.

Leader and Teammate began to walk, talking about everything. Leader laughed at a joke Teammate told, as they paced around the complex. They immediately regretted it, grunting as they clutched their stomach, pain shooting through them. Leader hunched over, breathing heavily and Teammate froze. “Leader!?” They asked in a panic. “Just a-” Leader’s sentence was cut off by a groan, “Cramp…” they finished, panting.

“I’m gonna get you help.” Teammate began to walk away, but Leader grabbed them. “No… I’m fine. Really, just a cramp.” Leader straightened, wincing. “I think I’m gonna turn in.” “Are you sure you’re okay?” Teammate was anxious, pulling Leader’s arm over their shoulder and guiding them back to their room. “Teammate… It’s fine, I’m fine.” Leader tried to calm them down as the began to shudder under their arm. “N-no its n-n-not.” Teammate began to cry. “Leader…”

Leader shook their head, fighting the dizziness that it caused. “Teammate, I promise. I just need to sleep… See you in the morning.” Leader began to walk away, making it to their room, grabbing the door and steadying themself before they opened it and stumbled into their room. Turning the light on, they made their way to the bed, collapsing onto it and pulling up their shirt. The bruise was still there, even more tender and dark than before. “Shit.” They whispered. Laying against the mattress, head spinning Leader groaned, feeling nauseous. “What’s happening…?” They gasped their vision going blurry and then black.

Waking with a gasp, they glanced around. Their door was open. A chill ran down their spine as they realised their door was open and shirt was still up, revealing the bruise. Leader’s mind was reeling, they never left their door open and if someone had walked past… Sitting up in panic, they clutched their head as dizziness overwhelmed them. They groaned as they collapsed against the bed again.

Whimpering, Leader gasped as they curled into themself. Pain wracked their body, as tears began to fall silently. They were panting hard as they pushed themself up, forcing themself to their feet. Staggering their way to their bathroom, they grabbed the handle to the drawers where they kept their medications. Fumbling with the lid of the container as they pulled it off, they shook a handful of pills into their hand.

They tried to get most of them back in, but their hand didn’t work. The pills spilled onto the floor. “Shit…” They moaned, managing to get two pills into their mouth. They swallowed, gagging at the taste and sank to the floor, the tiles cooling them down as they sweated against them. After a few minutes, the pain was more manageable and they sat up, sighing as they pulled themself to their feet, still dizzy.

Managing to make it to the kitchen, feeling wobbly, Leader ignored the staring eyes of everyone as they made their way to the fridge. They fought back the vertigo as they stared at the fridge. “-der?” Right Hand was next to them, shaking their shoulder. “Hmm?” They looked up, confused as they made eye contact with a worried Right Hand.

“You’ve been staring at the open fridge for like 5 minutes. You ok?” Leader nodded, “Yeah, just tired. Haven’t been sleeping well.” They lied. Right Hand frowned not believing it. “Riiiight. Everyone kinda wants to debrief and get back into things, ya know? And you’ve been kinda distant this week. Wanna go for a run later, talk about it?” Leader nodded, not really taking in what Right Hand was saying. Right Hand patted their back, leaving Leader blinking, before they looked back up into the fridge and picked a tub of yogurt to eat. At least the world wasn’t swirling as much. ‘The medication must be kicking in.’ They though as they ate. ‘I guess I should call a debrief.’

Leader sighed as they eased themself out of their chair. They were at the head of the table in a conference room, staring at the members of their team. Wrapping their arm around their waist and biting back the rising moan threatening to escape from their chest, they looked at the board behind them, the light of the screen behind them giving them a migraine. “Okay…” They sighed, “Let’s get started.” Leader clicked the remote they were gripping in their hand, causing the image on the screen to change. They felt dizzy as it flashed. “So, umm…” They swayed, their stomach doing a flip.

“Does anyone have any q-questions or comments before we start?” Leader looked at their team as the tried to lean casually against the wall. “Uh, yeah are you okay?” A teammate spoke up.

“Yeah, no, I’m fine. Anything else?” Leader brushed off the question as they gripped their side harder. No one had anything else to say, so Leader clicked through to the next slide, showing the blueprint of the building they had infiltrated. “The plan obviously went off the rails,” Leader started, before clearing their throat. “-but over all, we did well. We got the information we were required to get to the right people. It was a mission success, but obviously…” They trailed off, gesturing at their team. Everyone averted their eyes, knowing what they meant.

“We need to…” Leader swallowed as slight vertigo caused them to sway again. “We need to stop this…” They gasped for air as their stomach began to ache. “Stop this from happening…” Their words slurred as they tried to remember what to say. Words escaped them as a heat flash engulfed their body, forcing Leader to their knees, arms wrapped around their waist. They heard their team rushing to their side, their voices sounding far away as Leader reached out to grab the side of their chair. They pulled themself back to their feet, but they couldn’t stay up, their eyes rolling back into their head as they fell back, being caught by the team. Leader felt themself shudder before everything went black.

Leader’s body shuddered violently, before their head fell back, their body going limp with a sigh. Right Hand ripped up the hem of Leader’s shirt, jumping back with a gasp of shock as they revealed the bruise. “Holy shit.” They yelled, kneeling down. “Get them over me, we need to go now.” The team nodded, pulling Leader over Right Hand’s shoulders, into a fireman’s carry. “The closest medbay is down the hall, right?” They asked, standing with a huff. Everyone nodded, following Right Hand as they raced down the hall.

Leader groaned as they awoke. They looked over at the sensation coming from their stomach. A doctor was prodding it, shining a light at the skin. Their muscles tensed as the doctor poked them again, causing a tiny gasp to escape them. The doctor looked up at them, grim. “Leader.”

Leader looked at them, head spinning. “You should have come to see us with this? How long has it been since you got this? A week?” Leader swallowed, trying to keep down an agonised moan and shook their head. “F-four days...” The end of the bed was raised, sitting them up slightly. Leader sighed guiltily and slid down the bed a little. “Try not to move okay?” The doctor looked concerned. “You’re not bleeding internally, but you’re god-damn lucky you aren’t. Your insides are damaged, we’re going to have to do surgery.” The doctor sighed heavily as they tried to exhale out the urge to lecture Leader.

Now wasn’t the time. “I have every mind to yell the hospital wing down. What you did was so stupid. I just- I can’t believe you’ve lasted this long with the damage that was done.” Leader shuddered, remembering the sensation of the concrete block colliding with their abdomen. “I’m sorry…” They whispered, feeling guilty. “Well sorry nearly didn’t cut it. I apologise for being so forward, but I know what you’re like. I’m just worried one day I won’t be able to pick up the pieces, Leader. Try to get comfortable, a nurse will be by soon.”

Leader stared at the ceiling as it passed above them, there were four people wheeling them down the hall towards theatre. They felt a jolt as they passed into the cold, dark operating room, letting out a nervous breath. They never liked surgery, even though they’d only had it few times before. It made them nervous. ‘I’m so stupid…’ They thought, as a nurse rested a warm hand on their shoulder.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s a simple surgery, you’ll be in and out in the blink of an eye.” The kind eyes of the tired nurse, creased from years of smiling, met Leader’s nervous ones. She gently tucked a wisp of hair from Leader’s face back under the cap, before smiling gently. “There we go honey. You’re all ready.” The people in the waiting room shifted Leader onto the operating table, stiff and cold under their back.

“I’ll be here the whole time, baby.” The nurse hummed as she held Leader’s shaking hand. ‘I have run at bullets without a second thought, thrown literal grenades away from me and survived agonising torture, why is this scaring me?’ Their breaths began to quicken.

The anesthesiologist chuckled, “You know, the mount of people I’ve heard say that exact same thing? You don’t worry yourself Leader, everything will be just fine.” “Shit… Did I... say that out loud?” They mumbled as the anesthesiologist lowered a mask onto their face. “Ahaha, yeah, but don’t sweat it. People say weird shit on the cocktail they’ve got you on. Now breathe deep for me.”

Leader breathed in, tasting the strangely minty tasting, sweet gas as it filled their lungs. They felt woozy, as they took in another breath. “That’s it. In and out Leader, and in 3… 2…” Leader didn’t hear the rest of the words the anesthesiologist said as they blinked.

Opening their eyes, they were confused, they were staring the a dark ceiling, shivering slightly in the cold. Slowly, they turned their head to look at the nurse beside it, confused. “When will they do the surgery?” They mumbled, making the nurse chuckle. “Honey… They did that three hours ago. You’ve been out like a light, I was starting to get worried.”

She almost melted as she stroked Leader’s head, tucking their hair behind their ear again. “Oh, you look like you’ve been through the ringer, baby. Did you want me to get something for you to eat?” Leader didn’t know what they wanted, but they nodded anyway. The nurse smiled and left their side. Leader heard her voice as she left, but Leader couldn’t even make out what she was saying.

When she returned, she held out a small cup of ice cream and a stick, placing them on the side table beside the bed. She began pulling the heated blanket she had over her arm onto Leader’s legs. Leader melted at the sensation of the warm, heavy blanket resting over them. The nurse reached over, using the remote to sit the bed up before pulling the lid off the ice cream cup, and handing it to them. Leader barely managed to lift their hands, which felt like massive weights. Grasping the cup, Leader stuck the stick into the soft ice cream, which was kind of melted, and tried to lift a blob to their mouth.

They felt it plop onto their chest and the nurse laughed, reaching over to grab tissues. She wiped the ice cream from Leader’s chest, humming as she tried to calm her laughs. “I’ll feed it to you honey.” Leader sighed, having no energy to protest. “You can say no, baby.” The nurse said, a slight note of concern in her voice.

Leader only had the energy to groan, a short, quiet sound that caught in their throat. “It’s fine, Leader. I’ll leave it there if you want it.” She frowned as Leader suddenly shuddered. They felt so overwhelmed and they couldn’t stop the tears welling up as they broke down. They tried to stop sobbing as their stomach hurt too much. They threw their head back as they clutched their abdomen, sobs wracking them as the nurse cooed at them. “Oh baby, come here, sweetie.” She gently wrapped her arms around them and softly rubbing Leader’s back.

“Shhh. You’re okay. I know it hurts, baby.” Leader hiccupped as they shook their head. “No… It’s not that.” They choked out. “I just- I don’t even know. I just can’t right now...” The hot tears streamed down their face.

“Bub, do you have anyone else to care for you? Like this, but when you’re at home?” Leader shook their head, calming their shainking sobs. “And let me guess. You carry everything on your shoulders, even when you know you don’t have to?” Leader leaned back against the bed, resting their hand over their stomach.

The nurse sighed, “You know, I know that it’s also because you’re in pain, but you leaders all have the same issues.” She took Leader’s hand. “Leader, look at me.” She was serious, but soft. “You feel like this because you don’t let people look after you. You have to open up more, hun... Oh, come here.” She wiped the tears from Leader’s face, grabbing another tissue and cleaning them up. “I heard that doctor talking to you. They shouldn’t have said that, even though they had a point. But you gotta let people take care of you, baby.” The nurse sighed, stroking Leader’s forehead again.

“They were supposed to wait until you were more stable, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a tiny visit.” She grinned. Leader was confused as she left their side, murmuring through the cracked open door. Their team crept quietly in, not even whispering hello as they went to Leader’s side. Leader turned their head away, not wanting them to see the state of their face. “Leader.” Teammate whispered. “They’re still a little doped up, give them a minute.” The nurse whispered. “Leader, you look fine.” She whispered at them, taking her seat. Leader turned their head to look at their team, sniffing, their breath hitching. “Hey…” They smiled weakly as they whispered the word.

The whole team was a ball of anxiety as they stood over Leader, watching them. “I’m fine…” They croaked, pointing at their stomach. “Leader, you nearly weren’t…” Right Hand whispered, holding back tears. “I’m sorry…” Leader felt a tear roll down their cheek.

“No, we are. We should have checked in on you more. We all knew something was up but we just…” Teammate spoke up again. Leader felt the guiltiest about them, they were probably beating themself up inside the most because of the lies Leader had told. They stood with Leader, gently assuring them that everything was okay, comforting them in their pain. “Let them get some rest. You can come back in a few hours.” The nurse ushered the team away from Leader’s bedside.

Leader suddenly felt very small, exposed and alone, even in this big room, machines beeping around them and strange sounds emanating from them.

The nurse shut the door and came back to Leader’s side, looking concerned when she saw their face. “Baby, what’s wrong?” She sat down, pulling the chair closer to the end of the bed. “I don’t…” Leader choked out, as the nurse hushed them. “I don’t wanna be alone right now.” Their breath shook as the words left their mouth. “I’ll stay honey, I’ll stay.” The nurse stroked Leader’s hair, shushing them as they lay back, their eyes soon falling closed.

When they finally opened their eyes again, they observed their room in the light for the first time. It was a hospital room, same bland walls and uncomfortable chairs as every other hospital they had ever been in. They felt a slight pang of fear as they realised they were alone. A beep started to increase as they began to hyperventilate, causing another beep to sound, a louder, longer one. These in turn made Leader panic more. The nurse came rushing back in, panic on her face, before she saw Leader was awake.

“Hey, hey, hey, baby. It’s okay, I left for a second. I’m here, honey.” She took Leader’s shaking hand, guiding them through breathing exercises until Leader calm. They started blushing hard, their face burning with embarrassment. “Oh, don’t be embarrassed, sweet.” She rubbed Leader’s shoulder. “You just try to relax okay?” Leader nodded, trying to ignore their pounding heart. “The doc will come by soon, by the way. I think that they might discharge you, day after tomorrow.” She fiddled with some machines before looking at Leader, who was beginning to feel the pain coming in again. “I’ll get you some meds, it’s about time that you have a top up anyway, sweetie.”

The doctor was happy with the surgery, even though Leader was still bruised up, this time from the surgeons. “You can go tomorrow, Leader, but I’ll have to advise you to stay on bed rest until you’re properly healed.” Leader nodded, their throat feeling dry. They felt empty, not even remembering when they last ate.

Looking to the nurse after the doctor left, they smiled softly. “I think I can try some ice cream now.” Their voice made it sound like they had decided to eat sandpaper for breakfast. “Course, baby. I’ll get it for you.” The doctor smiled, “Seems like you’re perking back up, Leader.” They patted Leader’s leg and left the room. Leader sat in the stillness of the absence of people, enjoying it slightly. It felt like everything had come to a stop, which made them feel like they had a better grip on the ever moving world, at least for a minute.

When the nurse returned with the cup, Leader looked at her slightly embarrassed. “Do you want help?” She asked, taking a seat and looking at Leader, who looked away for a second, before nodding. “Of course, baby. Big or little scoop first?” Leader though about it as she opened the cup. “Little... please...”

“Okay. Ready?”

Leader winced as their teammates lifted them out of the wheelchair and onto the couch. They were immediately inundated with pillows, blankets and even teddy bears as the team doted on them. They didn’t admit it, but they kind of liked the attention, just a tiny bit.

Each member took turns looking after Leader, getting drinks, food, TV remotes, books, even their laptop, but each watched them carefully, making sure they weren’t doing any work things.

“You’re on leave, you shouldn’t be looking at blueprints.” Right Hand’s accusatory voice sang out as they tapped Leader’s shoulder, breaking their focus. “But-” “No ifs, ands or buts, Leader.” They held their hand out for the laptop. Leader slumped, handing it to them. “You never change, stubborn prick!” They joked, sitting by the end of the sofa. “Should you even be sitting up?” They asked, feigning concern. “Come to think of it, you should probably be in your room, not here. Too many distractions.”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Leader held up their hands in surrender. “I promise not to do it again, mother.” Right Hand softly rested their head against the edge of the sofa. “Mother? You flatter me.” Leader rusted their hair. “I aim to please.”

They sat there, enjoying each others company as the other members of the team flittered around Leader, slowly joining them as the day began to wind down. “I don’t say it enough.” Leader started, glancing at their team. “I’m so proud of what you’ve all become. I couldn’t ask for a better team… and I’m sorry I was stupid.” They mumbled the last part.

“What was that last bit? Didn’t quite catch it.” Right Hand teased, cupping their ear. “You heard it.” Leader argued back. “Hmmm? Did I?” Right Hand lifted their ear higher. “Fiiiiine.” Leader paused, taking a breath. “I’m sorry. For being stupid, for… everything. I don’t deserve all of you, especially after what I put you through.” Right Hand snorted, before everyone burst out into laughter. “What?” Leader asked, “I was being sincere and this is how you respond?” half giggling themself.

Teammate wiped a tear from their eye, “It’s just. You look so serious and… It’s not but I’m not used to you saying something so nice and looking so stoic and shit.” Leader blushed a little, “Stoic? I don’t look…” Leader began to laugh, the contagion reaching them too. They had to stop when their a string of pain shot through their abdomen. “Ow… ow…” They winced as everyone calmed their laughter.

“I missed you guys…”

“We missed you too, Leader.”

#whump #leader whump #again #but are we surprised #no #June of doom 23 #day 29 #hurt/comfort #soft caretaker #i based the nurse on one i had after my appendectomy #she saw how shit i was feeling and brought me a little bear #i nearly cried #i still tear up thinking about her doing that for me #i still have him too #i keep him as a motivation to study and become a good paramedic #but also as a reminder of how powerful the little parts of care really are for patients #person centred care works people!#snaillamp #original post

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