#2018 i had so many panic attacks IN PUBLIC.

[holyviolence]

just reflecting on my past and realizing how shit everything's been. tw for lotsa things in tags or you can just ignore and go on with ur day <3

[healing-elle]

The thing about healing

I always imagined it a certain way: some empowering song playing in the background as I went into battle. Lots of tears. Fighting until exhaustion and then fighting some more. Screaming and shouting. Exposing every abuser for what they got away with until they were all behind bars or taken out by the loud mob. I thought it would be so consuming and impossible to get through without drowning in guilt and shame from the memories of what happened.

But it couldn't be any different from what I feared for so long.

Like the quiet that follows after the loud crash of the waves: it is the purest calm I have ever known. No noise, no anxious heartbeat, no harsh words or memories of abuse from them because they do not exist anymore.

Because that is what real peace offers.

Freedom, truth, and love.

And those things, as with all things good and worth fighting for in this one precious life, are simple by nature.

Love is simple. Truth is simple. Freedom is simple.

And anyone desperately hell-bent on trying to convince you otherwise is probably not someone with the best intentions (to put it mildly).

Love should not hurt. Truth shouldn't require so many rehearsed explanations and manipulations of information. Freedom should actually feel like freedom. Extra space in the cage on a good day is not freedom, no matter how many times you've been told to believe it over the course of your life.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder right before my 19th birthday exactly 14 years ago. One of my abusers tried to manipulate my team into misdiagnosing me in order to deflect from the trauma I had endured at their hands. Being diagnosed with PTSD means you talk about the trauma, and they did not want that. Thankfully, my team saw right through it and, when we were alone and away from my abusers, they told me that I needed to get as far away from "those people" as possible. They said that 'family" did not do these things and that I would never heal my panic attacks and other symptoms if these abusers were still in my life. But that's the thing about abusers -- they will never, ever let you go without a fight.

In the past 7 years, I have been able to safely cut out about 90 percent of these people. I've had to leave all social media, basically hide my identity, leave a career that kept me in a very public role, move multiple times, and take a complete break from having a "normal" social life while I regroup and create as many safety plans as possible in case they try to find me through someone who doesn't know the backstory.

Before I moved away from my trauma therapist, she told me to invent a new story. I remember thinking, "That is so strange -- that sounds like living a lie? Why would she ever recommend that?" And the thing is, she didn't just recommend it, she said it was both required and essential. Even with everything I have done to create a safe space away from my abusers, I never quite understood how to do that. Maybe it comes from being raised Catholic (though I left the Church in 2018), but it seemed like lying for a very long time. Until now.

Now I see what she was referring to and why she offered this as her final words to me on my send off:

The original story was the lie I was forced to repeat from birth -- and it will always have zero truth to it. It is far more of a lie to repeat what my abusers forced me to say about our life than to speak the truth about their double lives, abuses of power, sociopathy, covert narcissism, and religious abuse. But, as my therapist noted, I don't need to relive the specific traumatic events forever. I don't need to talk about it or share it to people (especially when some of those people will study it to repeat the abuse and make me their new target, as I've had to learn the hard way many times over).

The truth is, I am an only child without parents or any extended family. As my therapist would say, "You are on your own, but then again, you always have been. Imagine what you survived alone as a child without anyone to protect you. But that's just it -- you did survive. No matter the obstacle, you survived. Now you are the adult you needed as a child, and you should be so proud of who that person is -- because she is a fighter who never gave up."

And while I am forever grateful for the army of guardian angels that have always watched over me, I am beyond ready for my life to be about so much more than "surviving" and cultivating resilience.

I've had to file multiple police reports, so I know how to do that. I've had to meet with various lawyers and district attorneys and learn my rights, so I know how to do that. I've had to look into changing my name and identity in the event that they find me and things escalate again, so I know how to do that. I have a binder of safety plans and emergency response strategies for all possible situations. I am as prepared as I'll ever be.

The last little piece to all of this, before I can really "start" my new life and just have a life again, though it sounds so superficial, involves losing this weight. As I am documenting here, I am currently in the process of losing nearly half of my body weight (i.e., armor) which I can only hope will make me unrecognizable to my abusers if they hire PIs again. The abuse was always less severe when I was heavier, so it became my armor in more than one way. My body has suffered so much at their hands and even in my coping strategies just to survive them. I want to honor my body and give it the best from here on out. I refuse to spend the rest of my life living in fight or flight mode. Those days are over.

It's just wild...

I never thought I would actually get away. Maybe every cult survivor feels like this to some extent. I broke the cage door and finally gave myself permission to walk through it.

And now that I'm here, far enough away on the outside, I will never look back.

[xslytherclawx-writes]

The Charm Offensive & plagiarism

I've been mulling this over for a while, and while I did make a brief post about this initially, I'd like to name names because, frankly, I don't see any reason why not

Allison Cochrun, the author of The Charm Offensive, a widely-praised LGBT romance novel, seems to have based her novel on a Harry Potter fanfiction I published between 2018-2019.

I never gave consent for publishing my work or using my work as a base to edit for publication.

The main plot of my fanfiction is the same as the novel - though the novel also "borrows" many minor details to a point that it is impossible to believe that it is simply coincidence. My fanfiction predates the actual novel by over a year. In the fanfiction, a Harry Potter character goes on the Bachelorette and falls in love with one of the crew members - and then announces it on the televised finale.

Sound familiar?

Details below.

The fanfiction was the result of an inside joke with a friend, and I only posted it on AO3 (rather than keeping it in my google drive, in which case I can just about assure you: there would be no Charm Offensive) because I thought a handful of people familiar with some of my original characters might be interested in reading what is doubtlessly one of the silliest things I've ever written.

I wrote the fanfiction over the course of a few weeks in October 2018, while I was between jobs and looking for something to occupy my time waiting for HR to process my upcoming job offer.

At the time I found The Charm Offensive on Barnes and Noble's website, the fanfiction had around 700 hits. It isn't widely read, and, frankly, this isn't the first time that someone has ripped off my fanfiction, but this is the first time I've seen it monetized and acclaimed.

It is, quite honestly, an infuriating position to be in. I write fanfiction as a hobby; this is not my career, but why should that mean that I should sit idly by while someone else gets praise for my idea?

I found The Charm Offensive while looking for books to add to my cart so I could buy another romance novel without feeling guilty about paying for shipping. I saw the description and thought it sounded uncomfortably familiar, so I managed to get my hands on a copy without giving the person who ripped me off money. Because I needed to see if it was, perhaps, a strange coincidence.

It was not.

That became even more evident the more I read it.

The changes made are the sort of deliberate changes that are apparent when one reads other fanfiction that has been turned into published novels - but the key difference here is that Cochrun did not write the fanfiction, I am not her, and I did not consent to this.

And like, to be clear, this is a non-exhaustive list of the similarities between this novel and my fanfiction that was published between October 2018-January 2019 - so also before Cochrun says in the acknowledgments that the novel was actually written:

- bachelor-style setting - relationship is a participant on the show/a member of the crew (the “bachelor”/his handler vs a contestant/make up artist) - character A is a minority and specifically one often seen as a Model Minority (Indian vs Jewish in the fanfic) - character B is white & culturally christian and grew up with super homophobic parents - character A, however, grew up with super loving and supportive and slightly hippie parents who sought diagnoses and treatment for his neurodivergency and mental illness from a young age - all main cast in mid-late 20s (almost exactly the same age; they're 28 in the fanfiction and I believe 27 in the novel?) - character B went to a top university (Stanford vs Columbia) - character B (appears to? in the novel) speak German - special reassurance scene at a home visit with character B and someone who isn’t character A - character B has severe anxiety including panic attacks and thinks he’s unloveable (which isn’t unique but come on) - character B’s best friend is a woman who takes no shit and is also LGBT in some way (Pansexual vs lesbian) - character B is super into science fiction and exercise - character B is drop dead gorgeous and muscular with grey eyes - character B is sexually inexperienced - character A is very tall and skinny and often wears shorts (to a point where other characters use it as a defining thing) - character A is a hopeless romantic who desperately wants to find true love but can’t seem to find it - character A is sexually experienced (especially compared to character B) - character B / character B’s brother leaves home at 15/16 to get away from abusive, homophobic parents (LITERALLY. WHAT. THE. FUCK.) - subplot of the producers / show runner trying to make an extremely chill bisexual contestant’s sexuality into drama fodder - the entire plot about editing the footage after the fact to include scenes with characters A & B together because… - character B comes out on television, and says the words “I didn’t expect to find love here” (or similar) and then details that he did fall in love with one of the crew - also one of the women is a bisexual medical student (novel) / doctor (fanfiction) which is just. a lot. It’s a lot of little things that all seem to add up to more than coincidence, and given the way I've seen the author react to claims about the Desi rep in the book (it's not good, and I can tell you that much as someone who has just had Desi friends since she was 9), I doubt anything will come of this, but I thought I'd say it outright and make it clear that this is not anything I signed off on or was aware of prior to publication.

But hey! Don't just take my word for it. I've kept the fanfiction up with a disclaimer, so you can read it here! (Edit: originally linked the wrong fanfiction; the link has been fixed!)

[strazem]

I noticed that I’ve been getting blocked by a lot of Ososan artists lately and... At this point I’m sure it’s because of bad rumors and misinfo getting spread about me in discord servers. I’m going to put a lot of this under a readmore because I don’t want to clog people’s dashes with this, but I really want to clear the air here as I feel like there are a lot of things being left out of the narratives people are telling about me, and also the fact this is still happening and has been for four-five years, isolating me from a lot of the ososan community and hurting me in a very deep way...

Now, first off, I’m not here to say that over the past 4-5 years I wasn’t immature and childish. There were many times where I was, even to the point the behaviors could be seen as abusive or toxic even if that wasn’t the intention. I was in my early to mid 20s and had serious issues with oversharing my thoughts and feelings with people I really only knew casually, usually to the point of making them uncomfortable. I would also use all caps a lot, not really realizing the effect it had on people, making others feel like they were being shouted at. I would also act immaturely when I saw that other roleplay blogs were getting more attention than mine, even though the ones I had were for OCs, which meant that of course canon characters would get more traction.

Again, I was very young and not very socially developed. I am by no means trying to use my autism as an excuse, but rather an explanation.

Prior to getting into Ososan around 2016, I did not have any “real life” friends, that is, friends I knew in person. I did not know anyone my age and socializing was, and still is pretty limited to just my immediate family. Almost all of my interactions were online, and even that I struggled with. I had recently gotten out of an abusive relationship as well, and was just starting college. I did not think about how others felt enough and was too concerned with saying my piece and sharing my own opinions, making everything about me or about how I felt, and less about the other person. Again, this is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life as part of my ASD, but I’m still not excusing it by any means, especially considering the fact that other people ended up hurt.

I think the main issue was how immature and self-focused I was if I’m being honest, and how I would tend to make everything about me and how I felt and what I made.

My intentions were always good, that never changed. But as people have stated to me before, good intentions don’t mean anything if the outcome is bad. My immaturity really ended up hurting a lot of other people’s feelings and causing a lot of resentment, and I am by no means saying that anyone has to forgive me or be “ok” with me.

What I do wish though is that perhaps people who I have had struggles with in the past could refrain from spreading biased opinions of me to people who have never even met me. I understand wanting to support your friends, and I also understand that when someone you know tells you someone is “bad news”, it’s natural to take their word for it, especially if they only show screenshots of me at my lowest rather than when I was trying my absolute best to be a good friend, despite my immaturity.

However, I’ll be honest and say that I do think that this behavior in general seems counterproductive and perhaps even concerning... If there’s someone that upset me in my past, I don’t tell others or divulge about them to new people I meet unless I felt they did something actually illegal. I remember misinforming about someone in the ososan community based on false claims and I still feel guilty about it to this day, so I’ve also been guilty of this in the past. It’s also important to keep in mind that if someone is really making someone out to sound terrible or horrible that there is usually a bias clouding their perception. I've sat and reflected a lot on my own biases these past five years in therapy, and at the end of the day, I don’t think most people have bad intentions, at least not lonely kids in a small fandom. I think it’s a lot of miscommunication, lack of confrontation, and fear rather than any malicious intent.

Because if there’s one thing I know that I’m not, it’s a manipulator. I straight up do not have the social intelligence for that. I would all caps, I would get upset and leave chats and worry people, I would go on rants that people couldn’t talk me down from, or get too emotionally volatile, or put my own emotional issues onto other people by panicking and venting and putting on a scary and upsetting scene, but I never tried to manipulate anyone or turn anyone’s friends against them. The only two instances I can think of that even come close to me “warning” anyone about someone (and not for blm*tsu related reasons) happened in 2018 and 2019, well after all of this was (I assumed) done with. 

Most of my issues that people have gotten upset with me for was regarding my social immaturity, self-centeredness, altercations, public panic attacks, public mental breakdowns and a tendency to go off on emotional and heated rants, especially in public areas and in public chats. That’s why this thing about me being a manipulator seems misinformed to me, because I’ve never been great at DMing or talking to others one on one, I think anyone that’s known me will agree. Many of these altercations happened in public group chats.

I’m assuming that many of the bad rumors being spread about me are regarding my skype days back in 2016-2017, back before discord became the new norm for online chatting and servers and such, as well as a very specific “drama” that happened on anti-bl oso-twitter concerning people that had met in an osomatsu-san kin discord server (which I was not in or even knew about). 

Essentially, I befriended some of these people on twitter through people that had been in my second skype roleplay group (the first one I made was in 2016 I believe). I was unaware of any previous dramas or issues and was even unaware that said “person of interest” was even upset with me or thought I was toxic or bad. I had figured we had just stopped talking due to naturally drifting apart. Of course, in my young and naive mind, before understanding “social media etiquette” I went to go ask them why they had blocked me on twitter (I had started being active on twitter during that time.)

And of course, in my immaturity, was freaking out and panicking about having been blocked by someone I thought was a friend to people in my second roleplay group chat... As always... Ugh.. It wasn’t anything malicious though, just confusion and me being scared I had done something wrong.

One member in the roleplay group though, who I guess was a member of the osomatsu-san kin discord, started going off about said ���person of interest”, claiming they had gotten their friend into a car accident and that they had groomed minors. Another person in the roleplay group felt the allegations were crazy and unfounded and left. Meanwhile, I was just lost as to what was even happening, I wasn’t aware these people were this connected or knew each other and admittedly, did a pretty poor job as a mod/admin that I didn’t stop the discussions sooner.

I have no idea if the claims were true or not, I imagine they were exaggerated due to bias, I have no idea, but then the same person who had made those claims showed me screenshots that “person of interest” sent to their mutual friend about me. How I was scary and toxic, that I had upset lots of people.. That they were panicking that I even contacted them on tumblr with a friendly “hello!”

Naturally, I responded with confusion. Again, my autism makes it very difficult for me to realize when people are upset or frustrated with me, especially over text. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything I had done to upset them and was very hurt and confused, as our last actual interaction had been seemingly positive. 

I did not try to turn anyone against them though. Here’s what actually happened: After being given this info, I also learned that there was a small discord group of the friend group that the person making the claims was from. I joined it hoping to learn more or get some sort of clarification only to find out that this entire group was very upset with “person of interest”. Like very upset. They made claims that this person lied, that this person liked to play victim as a way to manipulate others, that they had groomed two of the people in the group, that they had said unsettling things, that they would do strange and backhanded things ect. Again, I don’t know if these statements are true and I’m not trying to claim they are, I just know that this group of friends had been very upset with "person of interest” before I had even come into the picture. They were already planning on cutting them off!

I did not sway anyone or say anything, I was literally just there in the hopes of finding out if I’d done something wrong. 

Of course, this doesn’t at all excuse when I was still friends with “person of interest” and subjected them to my barrage of emotional baggage and panic attacks. I just want to make it clear that I never sent anyone after them or tried to turn their friends against them. In fact, I even tried to help them when they came to my twitter DMs asking me for help. I was already incredibly scared of pissing anyone off in general, and tried to keep things peaceful on both sides. When I asked the second roleplay group if they’d be okay with them rejoining, it was a unanimous “no”... I distinctly remember offering to still roleplay with them one on one and to make a new group that they could be in (and this was even after I had been shown the screenshots of them calling me toxic, which I still wasn’t holding against them!), but the offer was turned down.

I’ve noticed this very distinct pattern over the years of me running into a lot of issues due to miscommunication as well. It was very rare that people would express with me how they were feeling, or when they did, it was usually during one of my panic attacks, which were often bad enough that my brain would repress the memories of what happened during them the second they stopped, and it was rare that I would actually go back and read the things I said. People have had a very easy time going to others and complaining or venting about me to friends, but have had a very hard time actually telling me these complaints themselves, as themselves. I don’t really blame them, as we were all pretty young and given how much I freaked out publicly, it would make sense to be scared of how I might react. Not to mention there were probably things in their own pasts that made something like confrontation difficult. However, what I don’t understand is why this would still be happening five years later... I would assume by this point people would have moved on, especially regarding spats within fandoms.

I hold no ill will towards people in my past who’ve gotten upset with me, I do not hold grudges, and for the most part, if someone wants to cut contact with me, I just accept it and move on. But now that I’m noticing that these false claims are being spread around to other people in the fandom, people who weren’t even involved in these situations, blocking me based off of... Stuff they’ve heard about me... I felt a need to say something.

Honestly, my biggest wish or hope is that, given that it has been five or so years, that people who have never spoken to me or met me before maybe give me another chance? If I have personally hurt you, I don’t want you to feel the need to reach some sort of conclusion with me, or forgive me, or whatever...

But at the very least, perhaps people could be more careful when sharing personal issues we went through with other people, people who know very little about me and who I am and only know me through the lenses and narratives of people who felt slighted by me.

I have changed immensely over the past five years, more than I can even describe. I am not the same person mentally that I was, I have had therapy, I have had help, I have reflected, I have become more sensitive to other people’s thoughts and feelings. I even managed to help a friend of mine get therapy! I was not perfect, I behaved irrationally, but I do think it’s important to drive home the fact that it has been a few years and that I’ve made a lot of progress and that as I’m nearing 30, I have mentally matured quite a bit.

Again, no one from my past has to forgive me, I am not here to dictate how people should feel about me. I am just here to try to share my own side seeing as how I am unable to join most ososan servers and communities nowadays, and thus have a harder time being able to get in contact with or reach others.

I’ve been dying to say something, but kept worrying that it would stir up negative feelings or memories for others, but it’s getting to a point now where I’ve felt so isolated and hated by the fandom for five whole years that I’ve actually started having thoughts of self-harm again for the first time in awhile. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, and I haven’t acted on the thoughts, I just need to be honest.

This sort of behavior on the internet; gossiping about others, spreading misinformation about others, using a position of influence within a fandom to keep someone from making friends in fandom spaces... Or maybe people don’t even realize how much their words can affect others? Especially if they’re well-liked and exist in a lot of spaces. I’m sure there are no actual bad intentions when people say these things or vent to their friends.

And while I explained that one specific incident in detail that was with a specific person, it is not the only issue I’ve gotten myself into over the years either. I simply spoke about that one as I am just guessing it’s the big reason a lot of this is still going on to this day. I behaved poorly enough in the past that separate groups of people have ended up mad at me, regardless of even knowing each other. I was incredibly troubled, dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship, overworked with my animation assignments, and incredibly clueless in social situations or trying to relate to others. Again, these aren’t excuses... But explanations. Mentally ill people are not well, that’s why it’s an illness. In 2016-2017, I was at the lowest of my low, and continued to be until around the Fall of 2019. I have also matured significantly since, and have been working with a far more effective therapist as of late 2018, which I think is why I had such a positive change by 2019, as well as finding wonderful and supportive friends who truly care about me.

I know this is getting really long, too long honestly, but I really needed to get this off my chest...

I’m trying to decide whether or not this will be one of my final posts on tumblr as a whole, as I don’t think I will be able to participate in enjoying ososan publicly with how isolated I’ve been over the years by various groups and people; I think by this point the reputation is too soured for me to be a part of the community. Again, probably not out of malice, but fear and resentment at how I’ve acted.

The fact that I’m seeing more than a few people in ososan fandom I’ve never really spoken to, or people I was mutuals with blocking me is enough I think for me to consider calling it quits for public enjoyment. The fandom is already very small, and the anti-bl side is even smaller, so everyone is pretty interconnected and rumors can spread very easily. There’s no way I can compete with that, especially if I’m barred from most servers anyways.

I’m still going to mull it over, but again, if you’ve never met me, or if you’ve only seen screenshots of me from 2016 while panicking or allcapsing or at my worst... All I can really do is hope that maybe you’ll be able to see past these things and consider giving me a chance. 

As for the people I genuinely did hurt, I know I’ve said sorry many times now, even on my old blog Nutastic which I abandoned for similar reasons, but I don’t know how else or how better to prove how genuinely sorry I am... Because the proof of regret is in changing and becoming a better person, and there’s not much chance to see if I have or haven’t if I’ve been cut off.

No one has to forgive me, but perhaps at least entertain the idea I might’ve changed over the course of five years, and that telling people how I was back then instead of who I am now seems a bit unfair. Again, I suppose I dug my own grave by behaving like that in the first place, but I always try to show empathy even to people who wronged me at a low place in their lives, unless they were incredibly abusive and cruel.

At the end of the day, we’re all just people trying to enjoy a show about wacky sextuplets, and I don’t think anyone actually has any ill-will in their hearts, or has it in them to be “bad”, specifically on the anti-bl side. I don’t hold grudges, there’s no one that I currently have blocked unless they are a bl or a man that made me uncomfortable. My DMs are always open, as is my askbox.

Feel free to ask me anything or confront me about anything, though admittedly, doing so through anon makes it hard for me to reply as I don’t want to post anything potentially upsetting publicly.

And I will try to come to a decision about whether or not to pull a Jenna Marbles and leave social media for good out of regret and declining mental health. I will most likely make a post about it when I’m feeling more capable.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope your year is going good so far despite... Well, everything

[yharnamsnewslug]

I'd love to hear about the visceral music lol

NNNNNGH ANON I LOVE YOU - Okay, okay, so - fuck, I've a bunch, now that I think about it BUT let's goooo.

So in no particular order, and with the lyric specified unless it's the whole fucking song:

1) Liar, by the Arcadian Wild: "I have made you my next victim."

Okay so I'm BIASED on this one because I've been working for WEEKS on an animatic of my Saltmarsh campaign, which I'm DMing, and the barbarian's father is a huge mystery within the game, right? And this is HIS song, this is the man that begins EVERYTHING that has happened within the campaign (it's based on the module but heavily Homebrewed, because I wanted to do a full campaign with the Princes of the Sea). In any case, this is his song and the break of it is INSANE, it really is, it gives me goosebumps but the moment of GUILT as Greyson looks at John and feels this huge wave of sadness as he realizes he has to kill his best friend to save a little boy... GODS.

2) Call Them Brothers, by Regina Spektor: "Everyone's chasing a shot, a shot rings out, nobody wants it. Nobody wants it to stop."

Not just because I'm a younger sibling and my relationship with my sister is fucking bad, but also within the current Spanish political climate, this feels pointed and hard. I listen to it and I'm a bit overcome by the fucking guilt of being part of a system that's intent on splitting the public with political parties (not even ideologies!!! Just parties!!!) instead of helping this fucking country.

3) The Thunder Answered Back by Gabby's World: this entire song but ALSO -

“I SAID HOW'D IT TURN SO BAD?

THEN THE THUNDER ANSWERED BACK

IF YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU LACK

THEN YOU MUST UNTURN YOUR BACK

YOUR INSIDE IS OVERCAST

AND YOU ARE TETHERED TO YOUR PAST 

AND IT MUST FEEL LIKE FUCKING HELL

TO BE A PATCHWORK OF YOURSELF.

A BUNCH OF SCRAPS, THROWN AND SOWN AROUND YOUR BONES

AND THOUGH YOU’RE ALONE IT’S HOLDING YOU TOO TIGHTLY”

This song I think it’s my favorite?? Of all time?? And like, okay, to me it’s so stupid to have a favorite song because there are so many and I can never even choose my favorite band, even if I have favorites, but damn this song. It feels so raw and when I discovered it in 2018, it was... good. And it’s become greater and greater and greater since then. A lot has changed. My feelings about this song have changed. The ENTIRE song is good but this part just makes me feel, period.

4) Inside, by Bo Burnham: especifically Content, Problematic, All Eyes On Me and Goodbye

From Content, just the utter absurdity and genius of fucking... “I had anxiety so bad that I had multiple panic attacks on stage, I was a creator that criticized the exploitation of parasocial relationships between artist and public for profit and I said multiple times just how guilty I feel about being someone who was thrust into the spotlight when I was a middle class white kid that shouldn’t have gotten so much attention. It’s slightly depressing but also funny as he raises the flashlight and shines it on the disco ball, “But look, I made you some conteeeent! Daddy made you your favorite, open wide! Here comes the content!” SPOON-FED TO YOU AHHHHHHH HE’S SO GOOD AT MUSIC. I really don’t give a shit that TikTok kids misused his music to do edgy OC content~~ and that subsequently, Tumblr has decided that Bo Burnham is cringe, I think Inside is one of the best things, if not the best thing, to come from 2021.

From Problematic, he voices everything I hate about the current situation regarding Cancel Culture, and how it’s so divissive about whether it works or not, absolutely forgoing the difference in power between “It doesn’t work! Jeffree Starr is still rich and famous!!!!” vs “This artist with just 1k followers on Tumblr was harrassed to such a point that they left the internet, no presence of them is left online anywhere and they were traumatized by it all”. The song is already BANGING, it’s super catchy and the video is incredible, and while I love the part where he’s “crucified” as he’s like “And I’m really fucking sooooorryyyyy”? I think the best is the bridge, “Times are changing and I’m getting old! Are you gonna hold me accountable?” It’s so GOOD to see someone call out how much of the “accountability” side is being processed as something that the public must do. I love it, I love it, are you gonna hold me accountable? Brilliant song.

Everyone and their mother has talked about All Eyes On Me, I don’t think I need to talk about the profit people’s poor mental health makes and how often mentally ill people are exploited or even how they risk themselves in order to monetize absolutely everything. Added to just doomer shit. This song was the one that made me bawl my fucking eyes out, I couldn’t breathe.

Goodbye is good because it’s a well-composed song, but on TOP of that. Fucking - the amalgamation of everything??? It gets me, EVERY TIME, “Oh shit... you’re really joking at a time like this? -WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO’S INSIDE AGAIN -”

This entire special makes me feel a lot, okay? 

5) Dead Boys, by Sam Fender: “The anniversaries are short-lived but they come back around with breakneck speed.”

(TW: self harm, suicide) This song is about young men killing themselves. I’m a man, I’ve struggled with a lot of self harm and suicide. Still to this day, I struggle a lot with it. I’ve been clean of sh for a long time but this summer I had an attempt. It was rough and it was harrowing but I’m still standing, somewhat. This song means a lot, it’s very hard.

6) Lazarus, by David Bowie: “Oh, I’ll be free. Ain’t it just like me?”

David Bowie defined a lot of who I am today. I got into music because I got into Bowie, as a 12 year old. I used to dance in the kitchen with my mom as I began to learn English, with Just Dance. And she’d help me learn English with his songs. Lazarus’ music video was uploaded the 7th of January of 2016, and the 10th of that same month, same year, David Bowie passed away. And because of the mark that he left within me, the love that he instilled onto me, and how much music matters to me now BECAUSE of David Bowie? My name went from Nicolás, simply, to Nicolás Lázaro. It’s a very important song to me.

7) The Wolves Part I, by Bon Iver: the entire song

Ah, another of my favorite artists! I really had to choose one for this little thing I’m making but damn, I could put a thousand songs by Bon Iver in “Songs that Make Me Feel”. He’s an expert at invoking deep, more raw emotions with songs such as iMi, AUATC, For Emma and The Wolves. I don’t really know how to express everything, but there’s the specific part when the drums are beating like fireworks and the guitar is being strummed and Vernon’s falsetto starts with “AHHHHHH-aaaaaah-ahhhhh-ah!” Like, that’s brutal to me. I’ve cried for no reason with his songs before, but this one takes it all.

8) We Drag the Dead on Leashes, by Being As An Ocean: “Forgive the things that you hate in yourself so that you might be grace to someone else.”

Well, this was the first thing I ever got tattooed! It’s on my left arm, right under my elbow, it’s a very important song to me. I listened to a lot of hardcore, currently am getting back into it thanks to my friend, Sam, but man, this song still fucking slaps. There’s a lot of very optimistic songs by these guys, but be warned that they’re very fucking Christian. Luckily, I had a good relationship with the religion I grew up with.

9) The Chain, by Fleetwood Mac: but especifically the guitar solo at the end, and to listen to my favorite version, go to the 1980 Wembley LIVE. That one is just INSANE.

Hmm. I don’t have a good relationship with my sister.

10) Stay Alive by José González: the entire song, not going to lie. Just listen to it whole.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, the Ben Stiller remake, means a lot to me. May be better or worse than the original, yeah, but fuck, man, the soundtrack is on point. From Step Outside to Space Oddity to Stay Alive. Stiller really knows how to invoke emotion, he’s always been good at it, it’s no surprise. But it still gets me when it’s the morning and I chose to leave my bed instead of staying inside all day. It’s good. It feels good.

AND WELL, I could talk about more songs for ages. But I already wrote a ton so I’ll just put a little list underneath. Everyone who was crazy enough to read all of this is absolutely welcome to add their own little personal essay underneath!! Tell me how songs make you feel!!!

Honorable mentions:

Light of Love by Florence and the Machine, 

Inmaculada Decepción by Zahara,

Gimme Love by Joji, 

A New Kind of Hero by Aiden-Chan,

The Grand Escape by RADWIMPS, 

And the Snakes Start to Sing by Bring Me the Horizon,

I’m Low on Gas and You Need a Jacket by Pierce the Veil,

Asleep by My Chemical Romance, 

The Storm or The Depths by Of Mice & Men, 

Came Out Swinging by the Wonder Years, 

Long Train Running by the Doobie Brothers, 

Cai by La Niña Pastori, 

Niña Voladora by Juanito Makandé, 

Lobo López by Kiko Veneno, 

Hills to Climb by Tim Myers and 

This Year by the Mountain Goats.

[cap-cavern]

Response

Answer: I feel uncomfortable with people following Fallan because it makes me feel bad and stir up horrible memories. I admit I wasn’t thinking or considering the different opinions or reactions people will have, but I was trying to keep myself sane by not following the same people who follow her. I acknowledged that what I did is wrong and I didn’t think of the consequences; I take full responsibility for it and I’m sorry.

Answer: While I was jealous, I couldn’t control my destructive behavior before. It wasn’t intentional, I should've gotten help before but no one irl was there around me unlike today, and I made her feel this way, so I acknowledge and apologize for it.

Answer: I understand this is a personal problem, and I apologize for bringing it up. But, please keep in mind that we are allowed to vent to the people who annoy us or make us feel bad. My entire personality is not venting about you; I have my own relationship to focus on now and he noticed that I’ve been venting less and less about you. The part that triggers it mostly happens whenever I receive death threats from the people who claim as your friends. It started with one message after our last message three years ago, but it kept on occurring so many times that how could I not panic as well? How can I not know if these anonymous death threats are from her or from her mutuals? I’ve never even sent any death threats like these to her, from what I remembered.

Trigger warning: death threats

Answer: I was banned from specord. I admit I went back to instagram and made a safe space for myself. People are allowed to talk negatively about the people they dislike or the people who hurt them, but I talk about these things privately. A lot of people discuss similar situations such as these, even in public servers, yet why was it not mentioned in the post? Speaking of, that screenshot you got, claiming from a public server, is actually a private friend group server. I believe that was misunderstood, and I couldn’t blame you for misunderstanding, but please have an open mind that I would be banned from a public server if I ever did such things.

Answer: I was advised to tell you to find people who don’t know me so they can easily believe you and defend you to what you do. I understand you want your friends back, but you can’t control people from coming back to you. Isn’t this the lesson you want me to learn? I was punched in the gut when I learned this. Maybe it’s time to accept it and move on. I lost people, you lost people too. It’s part of life, and it’s something we have to accept. It’s weird that this came from me, but this is the lesson you want me to learn. I’m sorry you couldn’t get them back, and I acknowledge that. But, take a leaf from your book as well.

Answer: As I said earlier, I admit and acknowledged that I was like that before. I acknowledged that behavior and realized it was wrong. My emotions got the best of me, preventing me to think clearly and making the right decisions to behave nicely.

Answer: As I said earlier, it wasn’t my intention to do it. I acknowledged what I did was wrong and I take full responsibility for it. It wasn’t my intention, things just went out of hand and I apologize for it, I genuinely do.

Answer: While I don’t have proofs that I actually committed suicide irl, it was never my intention to suicide bait her. I acknowledged what I did wrong and take full responsibility of it. But, I want to make it clear that I did do it more than once irl.

Answer: I’m not sure about her but I have a lot of screenshots of death threats that have been going on for these past years and still going on from her friends. I’ve been in this situation of threats, blocks, etc. While it’s easy to block and move on, I can’t control these people for sending such threats time and time again. If you don’t believe me when I say it’s from her friends, here’s just a few of the many examples of threats I’ve gotten not just on discord but from other social media as well so there’s nowhere I can go  A recent one being after getting a commission gift someone gave me and claiming to take and repost it. The artist was of course upset about this since it was a gift. It’s also quite clear that sometimes it’s even the same mutual sending these. It’s gotten to the point where they even mention attacking me in irl. So, I ask, why shouldn’t I feel paranoid about all these threats?

Trigger warning: death threats

Answer: I acknowledged that what I did was wrong, and again, it wasn’t my intention. I take full responsibilities that I couldn’t control myself. However, I can’t quite graph who’s the “they hated how I was popular”. I remember her mentioning she was popular on tumblr, and she seems quite confident about it so I assumed she was completely okay with people and myself mentioning that. I apologize, but I wasn’t really that annoyed. They were quite popular. I might have expressed it wrongly, and I take full responsibility for that. I’m sorry.

Answer: I could’ve been a better friend too. I could’ve been not jealous. I could’ve been less destructive. I could’ve controlled my emotions. I could’ve done something better, and not the worst things, but that was all in the past. I stopped thinking about my friendship with her last years, and it’s been consistent even with some good changes for myself until I received a death threat. We’re not the same people as we were before, so, stop lingering in the past. You told me to move on, and it had taken me a while to do so, you should do it too. Take a leaf from your own book, and move on too. That’s what I’ve been doing, but the death threats are blocking that path.

Answer: Yes, I do understand that you received criticisms too, but I received criticisms about this situation as well. I’ve been criticized for being the bad guy, too, just as you have, and I have to carry the pain in my back as well. There will always be people who will think you’re a good person or the bad person in situations like these; it’s all black and white. People have different opinions, you can’t control what people will think and criticize in this situation. People will point fingers and one will think you’re a good guy whilst the other will think you’re a bad guy; we just have to accept that. Doing the right thing doesn’t mean you can’t be criticized for it. People are allowed to hate you even if you did the right thing. You will be pointed out as a bad person even if you did the right thing. It’s just the way things are and we can’t control that.

Answer: People have. I tried. I willingly tried to. One blocked me on twitter when I mentioned how uncomfortable I am that they follow you, I wanted to be safe and not make any violent reactions when seeing this. It scares me. I learned to accept that the hard way.

Answer: I only deleted those DMs (parts of it) because I don’t wanna linger in those messages. I wanna move on. I wanna move forward; that’s the reason why I deleted them. I don’t wanna be reminded that I did the horrible things I did my best to learn from and move on.

Answer: I have stopped contacting you ever since I was forced and persuaded to talk to you last December 2018. Let’s move on. Let’s try to be civil and move on. You told me many times to move on, and while I refused at first, I eventually learned and accepted that I should move on. I understand you are still frustrated; I get frustrated too, and I’m sorry for making you feel this way and everything I did.

Answer: This came from a private friend server, not a public server. It’s a close-friend server made by another user when I was banned. They gave me the ownership afterwards because it was “made for me”. I don’t know how you got the screenshot, but please, keep in mind that this is from a private friend server with several people in it. It doesn’t even have 100 people in total, let alone 50 or 40. And, to clear things out, I was like that before, but not now. People change over time, and trust me, looking at this message is making me cringe because I hate the fact that I was like this. I’m doing what I can to change that.

Answer: It’s from a dream; a nightmare, and it’s something I can’t control, especially with all those threats that I kept on getting. I reacted to the situation so badly in the past, but now, in the present, I don’t often get dreams or nightmares like that anymore. Please, understand how sorry I am with these. Long ago, you told me to move on, and I am doing it now. I did do it, but this wouldn’t end if we just continue like this. I understand the things I did were wrong; I acknowledged it. We are all human beings who make mistakes from time to time. We either dwell on those mistakes, or learn from it. It’s our choice in the end. This endless finger pointing has been going on too long now and i wish for it to end. Again, I’m sorry for everything that I have done, but have an open mind that you’re not the only one who suffered from this situation; we both did, and now, it’s time to move on, like you said before. 

[animeman08]

Hulk

The Hulk is a fictional superhero appearing in publications by the American publisher Marvel Comics. Created by writer Stan Lee and artist Jack Kirby, the character first appeared in the debut issue of The Incredible Hulk (May 1962). In his comic book appearances, the character is both the Hulk, a green-skinned, hulking and muscular humanoid possessing a vast degree of physical strength, and his alter ego Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, a physically weak, socially withdrawn, and emotionally reserved physicist. The two exist as independent dissociative personalities, and resent each other.

Following his accidental exposure to gamma rays saving the life of Rick Jones during the detonation of an experimental bomb, Banner is physically transformed into the Hulk when subjected to emotional stress, at or against his will, often leading to destructive rampages and conflicts that complicate Banner's civilian life. The Hulk's level of strength is normally conveyed as proportionate to his level of anger. Commonly portrayed as a raging savage, the Hulk has been represented with other personalities based on Banner's fractured psyche, from a mindless, destructive force, to a brilliant warrior, or genius scientist in his own right. Despite both Hulk and Banner's desire for solitude, the character has a large supporting cast. This includes Banner's lover Betty Ross, his best friend Rick Jones, his cousin She-Hulk, and therapist and ally Doc Samson. In addition, the Hulk alter ego has many key supporting characters like his co-founders of the superhero team the Avengers, his queen Caiera, fellow warriors Korg and Miek, and sons Skaar and Hiro-Kala. However, his uncontrollable power has brought him into conflict with his fellow heroes and others. Despite this he tries his best to do what's right while battling villains such as Leader, Abomination, Absorbing Man and more.

Lee stated that the Hulk's creation was inspired by a combination of Frankenstein and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Although the Hulk's coloration has varied throughout the character's publication history, the most usual color is green.

One of the most iconic characters in popular culture, the character has appeared on a variety of merchandise, such as clothing and collectable items, inspired real-world structures (such as theme park attractions), and been referenced in a number of media. Banner and the Hulk have been adapted in live-action, animated, and video game incarnations. The character was first played in a live-action feature film by Eric Bana. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the character was portrayed by Edward Norton in the film The Incredible Hulk (2008) and by Mark Ruffalo in the films The Avengers (2012), Iron Man 3 (2013) in a cameo, Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Captain Marvel (2019) in a cameo, and Avengers: Endgame (2019). Ruffalo will reprise the role in the upcoming Disney+ series What If...? (2021) and She-Hulk (2022).

> Personality

Bruce Banner During his decades of publication, Banner has been portrayed differently, but common themes persist. Banner, a physicist, is sarcastic and seemingly very self-assured when he first appears in Incredible Hulk #1, but is also emotionally withdrawn. Banner designed the gamma bomb which caused his affliction, and the ironic twist of his self-inflicted fate has been one of the most persistent common themes. Arie Kaplan describes the character thus: "Robert Bruce Banner lives in a constant state of panic, always wary that the monster inside him will erupt, and therefore he can't form meaningful bonds with anyone." As a child, Banner's father Brian often got mad and physically abused both Banner and his mother, creating the psychological complex of fear, anger, and the fear of anger and the destruction it can cause that underlies the character. Banner has been shown to be emotionally repressed, but capable of deep love for Betty Ross, and for solving problems posed to him. Under the writing of Paul Jenkins, Banner was shown to be a capable fugitive, applying deductive reasoning and observation to figure out the events transpiring around him. On the occasions that Banner has controlled the Hulk's body, he has applied principles of physics to problems and challenges and used deductive reasoning. It was shown after his ability to turn into the Hulk was taken away by the Red Hulk that Banner has been extremely versatile as well as cunning when dealing with the many situations that followed. When he was briefly separated from the Hulk by Doom, Banner became criminally insane, driven by his desire to regain the power of the Hulk, but once the two recombined he came to accept that he was a better person with the Hulk to provide something for him to focus on controlling rather than allowing his intellect to run without restraint against the world.

Hulk The original Hulk was shown as grey and average in intelligence who roamed aimlessly and became annoyed at "puny" humans who took him for a dangerous monster. Shortly after becoming the Hulk, his transformation continued turning him green, coinciding with him beginning to display primitive speech, and by Incredible Hulk #4 radiation treatments gave Banner's mind complete control of the Hulk's body. While Banner relished his indestructibility and power, he was quick to anger and more aggressive in his Hulk form, and, while he became known as a hero alongside the Avengers, his increasing paranoia caused him to leave the group, believing he would never be trusted.

Originally, the Hulk was shown as simple minded and quick to anger. The Hulk generally divorces his identity from Banner's, decrying Banner as "puny Banner." From his earliest stories, the Hulk has been concerned with finding sanctuary and quiet and often is shown reacting emotionally to situations quickly. Grest and Weinberg call Hulk the "dark, primordial side of Banner's psyche." Even in the earliest appearances, Hulk spoke in the third person. Hulk retains a modest intelligence, thinking and talking in full sentences, and Lee even gives the Hulk expository dialogue in issue six, allowing readers to learn just what capabilities Hulk has, when the Hulk says, "But these muscles ain't just for show! All I gotta do is spring up and just keep goin'!" In the 1970s, Hulk was shown as more prone to anger and rage, and less talkative. Writers played with the nature of his transformations, briefly giving Banner control over the change, and the ability to maintain control of his Hulk form. Artistically and conceptually, the character has become progressively more muscular and powerful in the years since his debut.

Originally, Stan Lee wanted the Hulk to be grey, but, due to ink problems, Hulk's color was changed to green. This was later changed in the story to indicate that the Grey Hulk and the Savage Hulk are separate personalities or entities fighting for control in Bruce's subconscious. The Grey Hulk incarnation can do the more unscrupulous things that Banner could not bring himself to do, with many sources comparing the Grey Hulk to the moody teenager that Banner never allowed himself to be. While the Grey Hulk still had the "madder he gets, the stronger he gets" part that is similar to the Savage Hulk, it is on a much slower rate. It is said by Leader that the Grey Hulk is stronger on nights of the new moon and weaker on nights of the full moon. Originally, the night is when Bruce Banner becomes the Grey Hulk and changes back by dawn. In later comics, willpower or stress would have Banner turn into the Grey Hulk. During one storyline where he was placed under a spell to prevent him turning back into Bruce Banner and publicly presumed dead when he was teleported away from a gamma bomb explosion that destroyed an entire town, the Grey Hulk adopted a specific name as Joe Fixit, a security guard for a Las Vegas casino owner, with the Grey Hulk often being referred to as Joe after these events.

The Gravage Hulk is the result of Banner using the Gamma Projector on himself which merged his Savage Hulk and Grey Hulk personas. This form possesses the raw power of the Savage Hulk and the cunning intellect of the Grey Hulk. While he doesn't draw on anger to empower him, the Gravage Hulk persona draws on dimensional nexus energies to increase his strength.

The Dark Hulk persona is the result of Hulk being possessed by Shanzar. This form has black skin and is viciously strong.

The Guilt Hulk is a malevolent representation of Banner's abusive father, Brian Banner, that manifests itself in Banner's childhood memories.

The Devil Hulk or Immortal Hulk is the result of Hulk needing a father figure. While the character's physical appearance varies, he is always depicted as having glowing red eyes, and reptilian traits. The new form of Devil Hulk is the result of Banner and Hulk having been through different deaths and rebirths. This incarnation is articulate, smart, and cunning, and does merciless attacks on those who do harm. Unlike the other Hulk incarnations, Devil Hulk is content with waiting inside Bruce. If Bruce is injured by sunset, the Devil Hulk will emerge with his transformation being limited to night-time. Thanks to the Devil Hulk side and Banner working together, Devil Hulk can maintain his form in sunlight.

The Green Scar persona is unleashed on Sakaar and is an enraged version of Gravage Hulk. In addition, he is an expert in armed combat like the use of swords and shields. Green Scar is also a capable leader and an expert strategist.

Doc Green is a variation of the Merged Hulk persona that is the result of Extremis fixing Hulk's brain. This persona is powerful enough to destroy Tony Stark's mansion with one thunderclap.

> Powers and Abilities

Banner is considered one of the greatest scientific minds on Earth, possessing "a mind so brilliant it cannot be measured on any known intelligence test." Norman Osborn estimates that he is the fourth most-intelligent person on Earth. Banner holds expertise in biology, chemistry, engineering, medicine, physiology, and nuclear physics. Using this knowledge, he creates advanced technology dubbed "Bannertech", which is on par with technological development from Tony Stark or Doctor Doom. Some of these technologies include a force field that can protect him from the attacks of Hulk-level entities, and a teleporter.

The Hulk possesses the potential for seemingly limitless physical strength which is influenced by his emotional state, particularly his anger. This has been reflected in the repeated comment, "The madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets." The cosmically-powerful entity known as the Beyonder once analyzed the Hulk's physiology, and claimed that the Hulk's potential strength had "no finite element inside." Hulk's strength has been depicted as sometimes limited by Banner's subconscious influence; when Jean Grey psionically "shut Banner off", Hulk became strong enough to overpower and destroy the physical form of the villain Onslaught. Writer Greg Pak described the Worldbreaker Hulk shown during World War Hulk as having a level of physical power where "Hulk was stronger than any mortal—and most immortals—who ever walked the Earth", and depicted the character as powerful enough to completely destroy entire planets. His strength allows him to leap into lower Earth orbit or across continents, and he has displayed superhuman speed. Exposure to radiation has also been shown to make the Hulk stronger. It is unknown how he gains biomass during transformation but it may be linked to One-Below-All.

His durability, regeneration, and endurance also increase in proportion to his temper. Hulk is resistant to injury or damage, though the degree to which varies between interpretations, but he has withstood the equivalent of solar temperatures, nuclear explosions, and planet-shattering impacts. Despite his remarkable resiliency, continuous barrages of high-caliber gunfire can hinder his movement to some degree while he can be temporarily subdued by intense attacks with chemical weapons such as anesthetic gases, although any interruption of such dosages will allow him to quickly recover. He has been shown to have both regenerative and adaptive healing abilities, including growing tissues to allow him to breathe underwater, surviving unprotected in space for extended periods, and when injured, healing from most wounds within seconds, including, on one occasion, the complete destruction of most of his body mass. His future self, "Maestro", was even eventually able to recover from being blown to pieces. As an effect, he has an extremely prolonged lifespan.

He also possesses less commonly described powers, including abilities allowing him to "home in" to his place of origin in New Mexico; resist psychic control, or unwilling transformation; grow stronger from radiation or dark magic; punch his way between separate temporal or spatial dimensions; and to see and interact with astral forms. Some of these abilities were in later years explained as being related; his ability to home in on the New Mexico bomb site was due to his latent ability to sense astral forms and spirits, since the bomb site was also the place where the Maestro's skeleton was and Maestro's spirit was calling out to him in order to absorb his radiation.

In the first Hulk comic series, "massive" doses of gamma rays would cause the Hulk to transform back to Banner, although this ability was written out of the character by the 1970s.

[bisluthq]

I think it's interesting that you've got this fairly hard stance of "shawn m*ndes is a homophobe" when it seems a lot more likely that he's literally just... gay. (or maybe bisexual) 😬

I mean the dude literally had a panic attack while he was watching love simon in the movie theatre. he had to leave the movie theatre early, and then he went back to his hotel room and stayed up until 3am, reading fan tweets about his new song to calm himself down and ended up crying his eyes out. I can't tell you how many times I've done things like that

he accidentally included himself in the lgbt community in an interview once and then realized and sort of had a deer in caught in headlights look on his face.

he has a pink triangle mug that he drinks from at Q&A sessions

he's been rumored to have had a thing with nick jonas, john mayer, and niall from 1D. the niall rumor has the most evidence though out of the three, and a lot of people think something might have actually gone on there

also, I don't think he's as homophobic as he sounded back then bc there have been incidents like the time when he was in a club with niall and a couple of other guys, and a guy walked past and shouted, "best gay club ever!" at them, and shawn just smiled and laughed. he didn't look bothered at all. I feel like that rolling stone article was mainly him being an idiot and also his team's attempt at guilting people into not calling him gay anymore

some of his song lyrics are pretty sus and can be read as pretty gay, whether that was the intention or not. like "I wonder if I'm being real, do I speak my truth or do I filter how I feel? I wonder, wouldn't it be nice, to live inside a world that isn't black and white?"

he said he felt like he needed to be seen with a woman publicly so that people wouldn't think he was gay, and then 💥 BOOM 💥 next thing you know, he's getting papped with camila everywhere

and there are a lot of things about that relationship that are extremely sus. I don't really have the energy to mention them all bc I don't really care about them enough, but I've seen a ton of stuff pointed out by other people, and they've slipped up countless times too

also about why they would be doing it: even on the chance that he's straight, shawn and his team have been trying to get rid of his gay rumors for a long time. and most of the general public still thought he was gay and just bearding during almost all of 2020. it's only in the last few months that people have finally started saying "okay, maybe it's real and shawn is straight if it's gone on this long"

there was also this blind that was posted on laine gossip back in august 2019 (so 2 or 3 months after it first began)

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.laineygossip.com/what-they-know-in-advance-blind-riddle/57429/amp

which basically said that one of the two members of sh*wmila was secretly working on a huge project behind the scenes and that the producers had been told that the other one had agreed to make appearances in it, and they had promised the producers 100%, without any doubt whatsoever, that they could guarantee them that would be no change in their relationship status until the project was released 12 to 18 months later. that led to a lot of skepticism on the relationship's authenticity from people working on the project

sure enough, about a year later, shawn eventually announced that he'd been secretly working on a netflix documentary. it was released in the time frame that laine gossip gave (the next 12 to 18 months), and camila was in a few scenes, and sh*wmila was used as promotion for the documentary a lot (like in the trailers and stuff). it was only released a few months ago in late november 2020

I've seen fans of theirs saying they think they might wait until the 2 year anniversary to "break up" which is like... may/june/july 2021. somewhere around that time, I can't remember exactly. and camila has a movie coming out around that time too, so it'd make sense to do it around then

like they've got a lot of publicity from this, the laine gossip blind was proven right a year and a half later when shawn surprise announced his documentary, and it's only bc they've stretched it out this long that a lot of people have finally stopped saying it's just PR. if they'd stopped it back in late 2020, a lot of people were still saying it was fake back then

I don't actually like shawn btw. I think he seems like a nice guy based on the stories about him from deuxmoi (if they're true), but he kinda annoys me and I think he's a very bare minimum guy that is only as famous as he is bc he's white and male and somewhat conventionally good looking. I don't think he's that talented, and some of his dumbass comments bother me sometimes

that being said, I do feel empathy for him bc he really does seem closeted, and he hasn't made any stupid comments on being gay since late 2018, so I think he might have realized he sounded like a harmful idiot. I do think he's closeted, and there's a lot more evidence to point towards that than towards him being a straight homophobe

Okay but in December 2020 she said being called gay caused him damage and was frustrating:

(Source).

In 2019 he said being called gay is hurtful:

(Source).

And here’s a great take from a gay man on why this shit’s fucked up:

I’m sorry but I’m not gonna be like “Awww maybe he’s gay”. He says he’s not. He does damage by denying it in the way he does.

Sure he could be in Narnia. I’m not Shawn.

If that’s the case, he should get some therapy and/or stfu.

[newstfionline]

Thursday, May 13, 2021

Public service in the US: Increasingly thankless, exhausting (AP) Historically, jobs like teaching, firefighting, policing, government and social work have offered opportunities to give back to communities while earning solid benefits, maybe even a pension. Surveys still show public admiration for nurses and teachers and, after the terror attacks of 9/11, firefighters. But many public servants no longer feel the love. They’re battered and burnt out. They’re stretched by systems where shortages are common—for teachers in Michigan and several other states, for instance, and for police in many cities, from New York and Cincinnati to Seattle. Colleagues are retiring early or resigning. There are mental breakdowns, substance abuse and even suicide, especially among first responders. Even before the coronavirus arrived, researchers have found in 2018 that about half of American public servants said they were burnt out, compared with 20% over workers overall. Some wonder who will pick up the slack, as more young people avoid public service careers. In the federal government, just 6% of the workforce is younger than age 30, while about 45% is older than 50, according to the nonprofit Partnership for Public Service.

Gas stations report shortages as pipeline shutdown drags on (AP) More than 1,000 gas stations in the Southeast reported running out of fuel, primarily because of what analysts say is unwarranted panic-buying among drivers, as the shutdown of a major pipeline by a gang of hackers entered its fifth day Tuesday. The Colonial Pipeline, the biggest fuel pipeline in the U.S., delivering about 45% of what is consumed on the East Coast, was hit on Friday with a cyberattack by hackers who lock up computer systems and demand a ransom to release them. A large part of the pipeline resumed operations manually late Monday, and Colonial anticipates restarting most of its operations by the end of the week, U.S. Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm said.

Colombia protests likely to continue (NBC News) With no agreement between Colombia’s government and protest leaders, demonstrations are likely to continue as major cities brace for a third peak in Covid-19 cases. Since April 28, thousands have protested throughout the country against the government. The violence has resulted in the death of 26 people, including one police officer, according to government figures. Rights groups say the death toll is higher; Human Rights Watch says it has credible reports of 38 deaths. What began as demonstrations over proposed tax increases, that have since been scrapped, has morphed into broader demands for the government to address poverty and inequality. The protests have grown as reports of police violence, deaths, and disappearances have emerged.

More policing in France (AP) France saw its second national homage to a police officer in less than two weeks following the daytime shooting of Eric Masson, who was killed last week during a routine inspection of a street corner. “It’s a reality that there is violence in our society and it’s swelling, and that each day the role of our police is made more difficult by this violence,” said President Emmanuel Macron following a memorial for the slain officer. Experts, however, have noted that more French police were being killed in past decades than today, but that police tactics have hardened in recent years, leading to increased distrust amidst claims of systemic racism within the police, racial profiling, and videos showing apparent abuse and sometimes deadly violence. In contrast to the United States’ recent efforts to curb police powers, France has opted to strengthen them instead. Macron has promised 10,000 more officers in the streets by the end of his term and increased the police budget. The prime minister has also laid out a series of measures to ensure courts get tough on anyone dishonoring the uniform and a guarantee of 30 years in prison for the killing of a police officer, the same punishment as for terrorists.

A sweeping coronavirus lockdown in Turkey sets off arguments and economic anxiety (Washington Post) Shopkeepers pulled their steel shutters down last week in a warren of tool shops near the Bosporus, to comply with a nationwide lockdown. But every third shutter or so was left open a crack, to allow the furtive flow of continued commerce. Hardly anyone in Turkey these days can afford to be locked down. Not small business owners, who were aching from the flailing economy and rocketing inflation even before coronavirus restrictions were imposed last week. And not even the government, which permitted a glaring exception when it said foreign tourists, a critical source of foreign currency, would be allowed to travel the country freely, while telling Turkish citizens to stay home. In the 12 days since the lockdown began, the restrictions have set off soaring economic anxiety, arguments and public irritation. With infections and deaths surging to new highs, few disputed the measures were necessary. Rather, complaints have centered on the way they were imposed, with official edicts viewed as capricious or baffling that critics say have failed to insulate the country from further economic harm. The lockdown has undermined repeated official assurances that Turkey was faring better than many countries in the world. And the rules, from the well-intentioned to the bizarre, have landed on a public that is in no mood for more restrictions, especially this late in the pandemic.

India’s COVID-19 deaths cross quarter million as virus ravages countryside (Reuters) India’s coronavirus deaths crossed a quarter million on Wednesday in the deadliest 24 hours since the pandemic began, as the disease rampaged through the countryside, overloading a fragile rural healthcare system. Boosted by highly infectious variants, the second wave erupted in February to inundate hospitals and medical staff, as well as crematoriums and mortuaries. Experts are still unable to say with certainty when the figures will peak.

Chinese Population Growing At Glacial Pace (Guardian) Despite efforts to increase birthrates in the past half a decade, China is currently seeing its slowest population growth since the 1960s. On Tuesday, the government released the results of its once-a-decade census, saying the overall population of China grew to 1.41178 billion in the 10 years leading up to 2020, a slowdown that was expected, but still worrisome for the future of the country. According to the National Bureau of Statistics, there were officially 12 million babies born in 2020, 2.65 million fewer than were born in 2019. China ended its one-child policy in 2015 to encourage more births, but the annual growth rate of 0.53% is the lowest since the early 1960s when China was dealing with the aftermath of tens of millions killed by famine. Replacing the one-child with the two-child policy has done little to stimulate population growth over the past few years. According to Dr. Ye Liu, a senior lecturer at King’s College London, “the government had to address the intersecting factors behind the low birthrate, which include rampant workplace discrimination against women of childbearing age and ‘scandalously low’ public childcare funding.”

Amcham finds 42% of members surveyed are planning or considering leaving Hong Kong (CNBC) A survey by the American Chamber of Commerce in Hong Kong found that 42% of respondents are considering or planning to leave Hong Kong, with more than half citing their discomfort with the controversial national security law imposed by China. Various media outlets have reported anecdotes of people or businesses leaving Hong Kong following the clampdown by Beijing. And the Amcham survey offers a glimpse of the sentiment among the expatriate community in Hong Kong. “Previously, I never had a worry about what I said or wrote when I was in Hong Kong,” said an anonymous respondent to the Amcham survey. “With the NSL, that has changed. The red lines are vague and seem to be arbitrary. I don’t want to continue to fear saying or writing something that could unknowingly cause me to be arrested,” the person said.

Hamas launches more rockets, Israeli jets strike Gaza as casualties mount (Washington Post) Violence between Israelis and Palestinians entered its fourth day as rocket attacks on Israeli cities and airstrikes in the Gaza Strip continued early Thursday and casualties climbed on both sides. Sirens blared through the night across Israel as the militant group Hamas fired 130 rockets from Gaza, with at least one striking a suburb of Tel Aviv, causing injuries and significant damage, according to Israeli officials. In Gaza, residents awoke on the normally joyous Eid al-Fitr holiday to pillars of smoke rising from sites bombed by Israeli forces, which said they had conducted overnight operations against Hamas, which controls Gaza. Gaza’s Health Ministry said the death toll rose to 69 Palestinians, including 16 children, the Associated Press reported. Seven Israelis, including six civilians and one soldier, have been killed, the Israeli army said Thursday morning. The Israeli army has struck 600 targets in Gaza since the conflict began, according to spokesman Lt. Col. Jonathan Conricus, who raised the possibility of a ground assault on Gaza. Clashes also continued overnight on the streets of Israeli cities between Jewish and Arab Israelis, prompting Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to announce he would deploy the military to quell the “anarchy.” Some 400 people were arrested overnight following riots throughout the country, the Times of Israel reported early Thursday, citing police. It added that 36 officers were injured.

[rhyslucia]

If you're pro-military, you shouldn't vote for trump

"Some 489 national security experts — including 22 four-star officers — have endorsed Joe Biden for president.

'I believe the current administration is a real threat to the republic,' says Gen. Peter Chiarelli, who served as the Army's No. 2 officer before retiring in 2012. 'I had to stand up and be counted.'"

***************************************************

If you're Christian, you shouldn't vote for trump

"While the president has delivered on some issues of concern to us, such as economic reforms and trade deals, his immigration policies are cruel, undermining his pledges to life and religious freedom. For instance, while we cherish unborn lives, we also value the lives of thousands of children who were separated from their mothers or fathers by the "zero tolerance" policies of the administration at the Mexican border in 2018.

Our commitment to life also compels us to do everything that we can to end human trafficking. The administration has decided to suspend the life saving elements of the Trafficking Victims Protection Reauthorization Act, the passage of which evangelical Christians proudly championed under George Bush and the flouting of which evangelical ministries like World Vision and International Justice Mission have decried.

Our convictions on life also are why we strongly believe the United States should continue to be, in the famous words of George Washington, "a safe and agreeable asylum to the virtuous and persecuted part of mankind, to whatever nation they might belong." Rather than continue the life saving tradition of asylum and resettlement of refugees, the administration has shut out persecuted refugees with its immigration policies."

*************************************************

If you value American lives, you shouldn't vote for trump

“You just breathe the air and that’s how it’s passed,” he said in a Feb. 7 call with journalist Bob Woodward. “And so that’s a very tricky one. That’s a very delicate one. It’s also more deadly than even your strenuous flus.”

“This is deadly stuff,” he said.

At the time, Trump was telling Americans that the U.S. was in little danger and that the outbreak would soon go away on its own.

Asked about those statements in March, Trump said he wanted to downplay the threat. "I wanted to always play it down," Trump told Woodward. "I still like playing it down, because I don't want to create a panic."

In the same interview, he went on to acknowledge the gravity of the threat facing even young adults. "Just today and yesterday, some startling facts came out. It's not just old, older. Young people too, plenty of young people," Trump said.

************************************************

Are you, or have you ever met a woman? If so, you shouldn't vote for trump

Donald Trump, current president of the United States, has been accused of rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment, including non-consensual kissing or groping, by at least 25 women since the 1970s.[1][2] The accusations have resulted in three much reported instances of litigation: his then-wife Ivana made a rape claim during their 1989 divorce litigation but later recanted that claim;[3] businesswoman Jill Harth sued Trump in 1997 alleging breach of contract while also suing for nonviolent sexual harassment but withdrew the latter suit as part of a settlement for relating to the former suit; and, in 2017, former The Apprentice contestant Summer Zervos filed a defamation lawsuit after Trump called her a liar.[4]

Trump in 2017

Two of the allegations (by Ivana Trump and Jill Harth) became public before Trump's candidacy for president, but the rest arose after a 2005 audio recording was leaked during the 2016 presidential campaign. Trump was recorded bragging that a celebrity like himself "can do anything" to women, including "just start kissing them ... I don't even wait" and "grab 'em by the pussy". Trump subsequently characterized those comments as "locker room talk" and denied actually behaving that way toward women, and he also apologized for the crude language. Many of his accusers stated that Trump's denials provoked them into going public with their allegations.

Another type of accusation was made, primarily after the audio recording surfaced, by several former Miss USA and Miss Teen USA contestants, who accused Trump of entering the dressing rooms of beauty pageant contestants. Trump, who owned the Miss Universe franchise, which includes both pageants, was accused of going into dressing rooms in 1997, 2000, 2001, and 2006, while contestants were in various stages of undress. Trump had already referred to this practice during a 2005 interview on The Howard Stern Show, saying he could "get away with things like that" because he owned the beauty pageants the women and girls were competing in.

***********************************************

Do you support racism? If not, you shouldn't vote for trump

In unguarded moments with senior aides, President Trump has maintained that Black Americans have mainly themselves to blame in their struggle for equality, hindered more by lack of initiative than societal impediments, according to current and former U.S. officials.

After phone calls with Jewish lawmakers, Trump has muttered that Jews “are only in it for themselves” and “stick together” in an ethnic allegiance that exceeds other loyalties, officials said.

Trump’s private musings about Hispanics match the vitriol he has displayed in public, and his antipathy to Africa is so ingrained that when first lady Melania Trump planned a 2018 trip to that continent he railed that he “could never understand why she would want to go there.”

When challenged on these views by subordinates, Trump has invariably responded with indignation. “He would say, ‘No one loves Black people more than me,’ ” a former senior White House official said. The protests rang hollow because if the president were truly guided by such sentiments he “wouldn’t need to say it,” the official said. “You let your actions speak.”

In Trump’s case, there is now a substantial record of his actions as president that have compounded the perceptions of racism created by his words

************************************************

Do you enjoy advances made by science? If so, you shouldn't vote for trump

The Trump administration and 115th Congress have been actively dismantling science-based health and safety protections, sidelining scientific evidence, and undoing recent progress on scientific integrity.

Below is a running list of attacks on science—disappearing data, silenced scientists, and other assaults on scientific integrity and science-based policy. The list provides a representative sample of threats to the federal scientific enterprise.

FDA Now Lacks Authority to Halt Use of Inaccurate Coronavirus Tests

In a move strongly opposed by FDA officials, the agency will no longer use science-based checks to regulate a broad swathe of laboratory tests, including coronavirus tests.

CDC Coronavirus Testing Guidelines Were Modified by Political Officials to be Less Scientific

The White House’s Coronavirus Task Force and HHS changed the novel coronavirus testing guidelines on the CDC website to fall out of line with the best available science.

EPA Refuses to Regulate Rocket Fuel Chemical in Drinking Water

The EPA has officially announced that it will not regulate perchlorate, a common ingredient of explosives and rocket fuel, in the nation’s drinking water supplies.

Fetal Tissue Research Blocked by a Biased Advisory Committee

13 out of 14 NIH grants submitted since September 2019 that involve fetal tissue are likely to be rejected based solely on the recommendations of the Human Fetal Tissue Research Ethics Advisory Board at the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS).

White House Demands Rewriting of CDC’s COVID-19 Guidelines for Schools

Vice President Mike Pence ordered the CDC to rewrite their school opening guidelines for reasons that appeared to be primarily political.

Trump Administration Takes Away Hospitalization Data From the CDC

The Administration mandated that hospitals bypass the CDC and send data on COVID-19 hospitalizations, to a private third party.

Trump Administration Endangered People Evacuating From Coronavirus-Infected Cruise Ship

State Department officials overrode science-based concerns of CDC officials and allowed 14 infected people to board an airplane with over 300 non-infected people

White House Hides Economic Analysis Showing COVID-19 Downturns

The White House will forego the publication of an economic analysis on budget projections in the summer of 2020.

NOAA Fisheries is Restricting the Use of the Words “COVID-19” and “Pandemic”

An official memo, issued by NOAA, stated that the agency’s “preferred approach” is making “no reference to anything COVID related” in public-facing documents.

Trump Administration Buries COVID-19 Information For Religious Communities

White House officials instructed the CDC to delete certain sections of a COVID-19 guidance measure for communities of faith

*****************************************************

Sorry I forgot to copy over my sources, but it's very easy to Google and find, just, all the reasons to not vote for trump. If you're feeling apathetic or like your vote doesn't matter, it does. If nothing else your vote will stick it to the egotistical, thin skinned, racist, misogynistic, hateful, lying, fascist ass-hat. If not for love of the country or hope for the future, get out and vote out of hate of who trump is and what he stands for. #VoteHimOut

[wonderland-irwin]

TELL ME YOUR TOP 10 FAVORITE ASHTON MOMENTS GO!!!

OH SNAP!! THERE’S TOO MANY MA MAN OMFG. 

Okay, okay, okay, let’s start at 10: The Jiggly Puff moment. I used to quote that daily.

9: Being on Kiss 92.5′s page in the background of a post with him. Like that might be the only picture I get with him.😭 but also he maybe saw me? Saw my shirt? Okay, he definitely saw me, he would have had to. lol

8: The JUMPSUITS. Specifically the long sleeved one.

7: The cocktail chats. The beatboxing. The fish story. The hiccupping. The “Bye. Get out of here. Love you.” Everything.

6: Ashton on the roof with the sound box in the SKH music video.

5: “I’m sure it’s fine. It’s like a horse on fire.” I use this quote whenever I’m in like a manic of panic (hrm ok.). Like when I’m freaking out but am able to tell myself its okay. Kinda like when I’m bullshitting some stuff but not bullshitting because I actually really care. I say it to myself a lot. It’s fine but it’s not fine.

4: Tomorrow Never Dies. That song is my ANTHEM. Geez. It’s so good and highly underrated. I love it with my whole being. Ashton singing.

3: “Tadpoles are baby turtles” was one of the first videos of him I ever remember watching and I remember just being like “wait what?” and watching it a hundred times because it was so goofy and hilarious.

2: His Meet You There LIVE (Remix) solo. Dang, I’ve heard that live TWICE and it was so freaking good. That makes me so happy and so euphoric. 

1: In 2018 at MYT Toronto he had this speech before More. A snippet is on my Instagram actually. But I was really starting to panic around that time with university starting and I had one of my first public anxiety/panic attacks. So I was kind of a wreck, and I started to bawl and I was hysterical as he is talking. I still will start to sob when that video plays. It’s my favourite I think.

[gukseuphoria]

a response to fluffyjhs

Alternative title - Exposing Luna: A Receipt-Filled Thread

Disclaimer 1: I didn’t want to do this, I never wanted to make this a public affair but she has been harassing my friends and I’m DONE, officially. She’s been self-victimizing for months and obsessing and stalking my friend and I’m not having it. And now she’s “exposed” us on tumblr. Enough is enough.

Disclaimer 2: obviously, for my friends’ safety, I will be censoring the names and handles of those who do not want to be mentioned, but who still wanted their part of the story to be included. But y’all can come at me all you want.

I’ll put this under a cut to save peoples’ dashes, but PLEASE read it if you are in ANY WAY involved with Alice/fluffyjhs. Thank you.

So.

Our group of friends knew her as “Luna”, but she’s known currently as Alice, and her current blog handle is “fluffyjhs”. Just because I personally knew her during her time as Luna, I’m going to address her as so, although I doubt it is her real name.

Luna joined our network I think in mid-October 2018 along with a wave of other new members. At first, everything seemed relatively normal: she talked with other members and made friends. It should be known that one of the members of the network - Phi, @guksdimple - was taking time off of the chat for personal reasons.

The first thing that weirded me out was that Luna was acting as if she knew Phi personally. I didn’t think too much of it, I figured they were mutuals. I’m personally close with Phi and so I asked her if she wanted me to say hi to Luna for her. She then told me that she didn’t follow Luna before nor did she know her until now. (I know this sounds random but it will be important for later points.)

Minor issue. Amongst her other habits, it was weird, but not too off-putting.

(Other habits include: leaving the chat randomly only to ask to join back a little later; jumping into any conversation Hoseok-related in a retrospectively possessive manner; whining when one of her messages was ignored (in a very busy, approximately 30-person group chat).)

Luna didn’t start truly off-putting members until another member - whom I will call Chloe - came to the admins of the network (Phi, Bri @starjeon and I) to confess that she felt ignored and even looked down upon by Luna. Chloe and Luna had made contact before being members of the network and it was awkward to say the least. Chloe wanted to be friends with Luna but Luna was very cold with her. Regardless, Chloe tried to be friendly with Luna until it was obvious that it would not be reciprocated.

Here are some screenshots of conversation snippets between Chloe and Luna. While not directly rude, you can see the passive-aggressiveness present. (sorry for the weird format. Blame Chloe, dsibfsf)

(in case you can’t read it: “you really have a lot of love to show right? lol”)

(Chloe only sent 3 pictures and Luna asked her not to “spam”, despite sending MULTIPLE messages at a time in the past herself)

Until then, the admins had decided to simply keep an eye on the situation to avoid drama, as while it seemed passive-aggressive, there was no proof of her intentions, and Chloe agreed. However, this all changed when Chloe received an anon message.

I could go into a deep analysis as to how we concluded that this message was from Luna - typing habits, mostly (notice the over-excessive use of commas and run-on sentences) - but the biggest proof is possibly this message she sent before leaving the network chat, suspiciously around the same time the ask was sent.

Now I’m no detective, but these are the things Luna and this “anon” have in common: 1) the excessive comma use and run on sentences 2) calling Chloe an attention-seeker 3) the ask also parallels Luna’s earlier behaviour about her self-given superiority about being an ARMY for 4 years (”everyone saw the things you keep droping aren’t like everyone is new to the fandom”) - as opposed to Chloe’s 2 months and 4) commenting on Chloe’s eagerness and cheery attitude. 

After Luna left - of her own volition and out of annoyance towards Chloe - us network admins felt the need to inform the other members on the situation because of the ask. Following this, many members soft blocked/unfollowed Luna because of this.

Luna noticed this really quickly and immediately dm’d almost every. single. member. that unfollowed her. Here are just two for length’s sake, but many members received similar messages.

This, of course, sparked a minor panic within the network. It’s like Luna was waiting for the fallout to happen, keeping an eye on her mutual status with the members of the network. 

And so, as a mod of the network - and to spare Phi the drama considering her own issues - I decided to confront her on behalf of everyone. (As you can see, I’m doing the same thing now, lol.) I’ll include the most interesting parts of my own conversation with Luna. I’m known for being aggressive-aggressive when it comes to defending and protecting my friends, and it shows here. (The contact name is “(Unknown)” because Luna blocked me at the end of this conversation and eventually deleted this kkt id)

Following my conversation with her - which, as you can see, has NO MENTION of Chloe - Chloe receives messages from Luna. NO ONE has told Luna that Chloe was the one who received hate mail, or that Chloe was the one who felt harassed by her.

It’s with these messages that, in my point of view, Luna traps herself. She proves that she sent the ask and that she was PURPOSEFULLY being passive aggressive to Chloe. With that, she was officially banned from the network, and many members of the network blocked her as a precaution to avoid being harassed by her for “answers”.

It should be said that NONE of the members sent hate to, or bullied Luna. The closest thing that could be considered hate were MY messages confronting her and calling her out. She’s claiming we were bullying her but really we just unfollowed her. That’s the worst any other member had done.

Chloe was also in another network with Luna, and so Phi decided to contact the admin of this network simply to warn her that trouble might surface between those two and offered a few screenshots as context. (Chloe later left the other network because she couldn’t handle seeing Luna acting all friendly with others in there, in fear that she would use them to turn on her.)

With that, we thought that the situation was finished.

However, it wasn’t.

Luna continued to send messages to Phi overtime even AFTER she was kicked from the network. This is where my earlier passage about her weird “friendship” with Phi comes in.

Luna persistently tried to form a friendship with Phi despite Phi not really engaging with her. Phi, who was already going through personal issues at the time, did not wish to confront Luna and deal with her drama, and instead tried to slowly separate herself from her. When Luna came to her about having a panic attack, all Phi told her was to “breathe”. Not long after, Phi received these “anonymous” messages (note, once again, the comma usage).

Small occurrences continued like this, and Phi continued to ignore or give very little response to them. 

However, Phi changed her mind about her separation technique when Luna sent a vaguely aggressive message about Phi’s friendship choices - essentially, shading the fact that Phi was still friends with Chloe. 

I can’t find a screenshot of Phi’s response, but it went along the sentiment of “I’m friends with who I want, and if you can’t handle that, that’s your problem.” It was very dry and to the point, but in no way aggressive. She made her point: she wanted Luna to leave her alone. 

With that, Phi thought the situation would be over. However, Luna still tagged her in posts, sent her loving messages that Phi didn’t particularly respond to, and overall stalked her, essentially. 

The last straw was when Phi received an anon about not replying to mutuals. Due to, once again, typing habits (and her overall obsession with Phi replying to her), Phi guessed it might be Luna.

And so, after answering it, Phi decided to block that anon.

Not so surprisingly, Phi was right. It is around that time that Luna remade her blog, with the excuse that it was bugging out. 

Not too long after, she sent this to Phi:

It should be noted that “some things I saw” were, in fact, Phi interacting with Chloe on her blog and tagging her in posts. It should also be noted that Luna is thanking Phi for essentially just, telling her to breathe and calm down. That’s it. 

After that (which happened in November 2018), Luna did not do much, nor did she directly engage with Phi. Luna started going by Winter (and many other names). With that, we thought it was over. She moved blogs and was leaving us alone. She needed a fresh start, and we could respect that.

Of course, the admins - especially me - kept an eye on her to make sure she wouldn’t start drama or confront Chloe again (who was, and still is, emotionally distraught from Luna’s behaviour), but everything was fine. comfyhobi went through many changes and eventually became fluffyjhs, and she eventually took the name Alice. We still knew she was Luna, but nothing dramatic had happened. 

We did NOT engage with her. We did NOT send her hate. We did NOT make an expose post despite all she had already done. We let her live on her blog, and I simply kept an eye on her to make sure she wouldn’t name drop us and start drama on Tumblr.

We thought we were finally in the clear, that Luna had moved on and that Phi and Chloe were safe from her harassment. 

Until she came back a few weeks ago, in February 2019. She tried tagging Phi in posts again, acting like she didn’t know her and that she was a different person. And not long after, she tried applying to the network again under the name Alice and with her new blog.

One of the admins (Bri) confronted her, reminding her that she was banned from the network, but she completely denied being Luna. However, she still had the same typing habits, and we had made sure to track her well. 

Some things to note: 1) tinyjhs is one of Luna’s old URLs and did eventually “deactivate”. 2) Bri never mentioned that she deactivated, simply that she was blocked from the network, yet Luna mentioned it herself. 3) the “5 year hiatus” line is exactly the same as her comments when she originally joined the network, how she had not been active on the internet in over, I think 4 years? (Sadly, I don’t have receipts for that, I didn’t think it would ever be relevant, we’re talking about 4 months ago and I can’t find them, but it is an interesting parallel). 4) she’s awfully compassionate and insightful of the feelings of someone that we accused of causing drama.

Anyways, as you can see, she threw a temper tantrum and blocked the network blog from communicating with her. With that, we hoped it was finally done. She tried to get back in, and she failed. She knew that we knew she was Luna. 

But, this brings us to Luna’s open letter on her own blog a few days later.

The original post was made yesterday, WITHOUT our blogs’ URLs in the tags. After deliberating between admins, we decided not to engage and to let her have her drama, as no one was explicitly mentioned (yet), and we desperately wanted it to be over. We figured that maybe she would finally stop after maybe getting some attention from some of her mutuals, or that she would truly leave tumblr for good. (Clearly, we haven’t learned.) We didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of replying to her attack. 

So why, you might ask, am I replying to it now?

TWO THINGS.

First. Because of this ask Phi received.

Second. Because she finally mentioned us directly.

Luna finally mentioned us directly, publicly on Tumblr, a place where we never wanted to take this argument. All the aspects of her post PROVE that she is not “Jacqueline” as she claimed a few days ago, but VERY CLEARLY Luna. She did this in hopes of getting other people involved, to hate on us, to ruin Phi’s reputation especially, I assume. Most of all, she did this to get the attention from Phi she so desperately wanted, and the sympathy of others along the way.

We didn’t want to “expose” her. We didn’t want to make this drama bigger than it already is. But she chose to do that herself. 

And so that gives me, in my opinion, the justification to finally post this response and expose thread.

This has gone far enough. Luna is manipulative, toxic and downright psychotic. She’s obsessive, with the situation, with the network, and with Phi. She thinks she’s clever enough to move blogs and rename herself in order to sneak back into the network and do god knows what. And when we don’t give her what she wants, she brings up her many private mental illnesses, blaming us for her tw// suicidal thoughts and self harm, when we have done NOTHING but try to end this situation since November 2018. It’s February 2019, and she keeps coming back.

I have a theory that Luna desperately needs attention, which is why she kisses up to so many “big blogs” in order to try and befriend them and become a big blog herself. Many of her posts, as well as her attitude towards Phi - and towards Phi ONLY (the “biggest” blog of the network) out of all of the members of the network - seem to hint towards that. Her obsession with being rejected from the network and her neediness for every single of her messages to be acknowledged also indicate this.

REGARDLESS, while this is a post to inform the general public of the fandom (and to hopefully clear our names from her drama), it is also a callout post to Luna SPECIFICALLY.

Leave Phi alone. Leave ‘Chloe’ alone. Leave ALL OF US alone. We’re no longer tolerating your bat-shit crazy attempt at getting attention from us. We’re done.

EDIT: since Phi wrote her quick response while I was writing out this post - which you can find here - she has received many messages from people who have undergone similar treatment from Luna. Here’s a screenshot we’ve been permitted to use:

Our network is not alone. I now realize that maybe my fear of bringing this onto Tumblr has brought pain and drama to OTHER people that Luna has tried to “befriend” and eventually cause drama with. I’m sorry. I hope that you all can find relief in this thread, to know that you guys aren’t alone, too. 

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

May I ask why you're so against rachel bilson? It's just that I know absolutely nothing about her and from and outsider persepctive she seems like a regularly nice person

Hi, yes! I apologize in advance, this is super long I’m afraid!

So first of all, I want to make it VERY clear that I don’t endorse sending hate to people, even if you despise them, and I am not intending to spam any social media she may have with hate because that’s simply inexcusable.

So here’s the thing: the whole thing just personally leaves a bad taste in my mouth because they had a sex scene years ago in a film that was directed by Bill’s ex-wife, Maggie Carey. It just really weirds me out because that was several years ago, and obviously I don’t know Maggie beyond the fact she’s a director and was married to Bill, but if I were her I’d be more than a little pissed off because I’d be wondering if my husband had been seeing this woman the entire time. I don’t think Bill is the type but I frankly don’t know him personally and who knows? It just seems a little tasteless in a way, but hey whatever.

Firstly, in literally every photo I’ve seen of them together - grocery shopping, golden globes etc, - they both look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Especially tonight, you can see in videos when they turn away from the cameras, their smiles vanish and they look (for lack of a better description) kind of constipated. I know Bill has bad anxiety so that could be part of the reason, I don’t know. But it looks like they’re not even trying - he smiled much more genuinely when with his ex. You can tell when someone is half assing their smile and when it’s genuine, especially in their eyes or the way they’re smiling.

I’ve been having a twitter conversation with someone, they messaged me wanting to talk about the whole thing, and I’ve been discussing it with them for a few days now. Disclaimer here that I already knew this person because I spoke to them about a month or so ago because their friend met PJ at a comic con and she (the twitter girl) was talking about it, so we already knew of each other before this whole ordeal. Recently, however, they’ve been telling me stuff and showing me tweets/photos/stuff about R*chel and, hey, maybe I’m only seeing what they want me to see? Who knows? I’m not saying my impression that I have of her is the correct one, just my own personal impression thus far.

The first thing we noticed was the sheer amount of paparazzi photos and news stories. I have never seen someone be photographed so damn often while out shopping - so far in the last week alone, RB has been papped near enough every day. No one gets papped that often by accident. The person I spoke with on twitter informed me that it’s always the same people (backgrid) and that she’s probably calling them herself. Not even the kids from Stranger Things/Harry Potter get photographed this much, and they are WAY more famous and in demand than her*. This week alone it’s been grocery shopping (w/ Bill), then going out to lunch with her friends, then shopping for furnishings, and THEN lunch with her mother. All in the same week. This isn’t just a her thing, it’s in general, but no one cares if actors are shopping for shit or going out to lunch with their mothers, it’s really not exciting or interesting. So yeah, there seems to be some question as to whether or not she’s phoning the paparazzi herself.

*I had literally never heard of her before being a fan of Bill so... 🤷🏼‍♀️ She’s definitely not as famous as the ST kids are right now

Also, it’s interesting that in the eleven years he was married to Maggie, and in even the last few years where he’s really started to pick up career wise, he has hardly been photographed by paparazzi in public. The only time I can think of is when he was filming IT Chapter 2 and that was because it’s a major film and they were shooting outside in costume. There could be more but I doubt there’s loads going around. So yeah, I find it kinda questionable that only now is he getting papped this regularly.

Not only do I think calling the paparazzi on yourself is vain and straight up thirsty for attention, but if that IS the case (and I’m not saying it is), it’s incredibly disgusting to do that whilst out with someone who has REALLY bad panic attacks and social anxiety. You can see it in his face that he’s pissed off and annoyed about it.

This person I spoke with also made some remarks regarding both of their kids with other people. Apparently the only time RB ever goes out with her kid is to get them photographed with her or something, and that she’s literally never with her daughter. This could be bullshit for all I know. I haven’t really researched her daughter because, frankly, that would be creepy and I also don’t really care about her enough to give a shit.

We know that Bill has 3 daughters, and it just strikes me as odd that he made a big fuss about how he only saw them 5 days in summer of 2018 (due to Barry and IT filming) and how he was crying over it, and “I’m going to spend more time with my kids 😭” but then...you get a girlfriend instead? And you spend time with them instead? And even when I first read the interview where he said about missing his kids, like...dude, come on. That’s your own fault, no one is making you stay away from the kids, you and your wife have joint custody. In comparison also to RB, who’s kid is seemingly papped quite a bit with her, I’ve literally seen maybe two or three occasions where one of Bill’s kids have been papped, like that’s it. And that’s how it should be frankly.

Back to the person I spoke with, they have a friend in Tulsa who was there around the time the two were spotted at Starbucks together, and here’s apparently the tea: Bill apparently got coffee alone quite a few times, she arrived in Tulsa, they got coffee, and then she left Tulsa after like a day. This person’s friend said that they weren’t holding hands, and they barely even looked at each other the whole time. This is a kind of “her friend’s brother’s wife’s cousin” thing and could be false, however. And I honestly think that if you’ve got 3 kids and you make a HUGE fuss over not getting to see them because of YOUR work schedule, then you should be spending Christmas with them and NOT with your new side chick. The same goes for RB - if she was in Tulsa over Christmas, why was she not with her own kid?

There’s a whole kettle of accusations that could or could not be true about both of them frankly; she’s using him to restart her career, he’s insecure and he’s being taken advantage of, she’ll probably get his kids papped, blah blah blah. This honestly could be total bullshit so who the fuck knows at this point. The whole getting together before awards season as well is so obvious, like so many couples do that for good publicity during this time of year and it’s frankly laughable. It’s the same kind of situation as the Alison Sudol/David Harbour situation two years ago - they stepped out together at the Golden Globes etc. And look how that turned out!

And, to be honest, I get feelings about people. You know how sometimes you just get a feeling about someone and you try to push it aside but it gnaws at you? Yeah. It’s not concrete evidence but I’ll be honest, 97% of the time I’ve found that if I have a feeling about a person, I’m at least somewhat right. I had a gut feeling when the whole nonsense about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard started, and even when I was abused and harassed over it, I knew my gut was telling me that it was BS because it just didn’t feel right. And it turns out I was right in that case because it’s now come out that Heard was abusing him and that she’s almost certainly been lying the entire time about being abused. But I digress, I’m not here to talk about that. I don’t know why but I get a bad feeling/vibe about RB and, hey, I could be totally wrong, nothing is ever 100%! But right now that’s the vibe I get and i tend to go with what that gut feeling is telling me.

And before the accusations of “you’re just a bitter jealous fan” come flooding in (as they inevitably will), I can promise you that is not the case. I make jokes about being thirsty and shit, but that’s all they are - jokes. Come on, I’m 22 next week, do you really think I want to hook up with a 41 year old with 3 kids?? 😂 And besides that, there have been MANY actors I either crush on or admire who are either in relationships or married, and because I’m an adult I can respect that. Hell, most of the time, I start stanning their partner too! There’s literally only ever been one occasion where I had a crush on an actor and didn’t like the person they’re (now) married to, and that’s because I didn’t like her as a person. I can respect that they’re married and I wish them all the luck, but given that it’s been nearly 9 years now and I still don’t particularly like her (and I don’t crush on said actor now), it’s definitely not a “fangirl crush” thing. It’s just that sometimes you don’t like certain people - maybe you disagree with their views, their behavior, or maybe you just don’t like the vibe they give off. You can’t like everyone, and you can’t be liked by everyone, that’s just how it is.

So, to conclude, I want to just make it clear that while I’m not a fan, honestly all the power to them, like Bill is a grown ass man, he can do whatever he wants with his life for all I care, he doesn’t need fangirls online rushing to defend him or baby him. As Mrs Brown from Mrs Brown’s Boys said... “it’s your life, love, you’re entitled to fuck it up however you please”. (I’m not saying he IS fucking up his life, on the contrary he’s doing very well for himself, it’s just a saying)

[creepingsharia]

“F**k Your Pig-God!” Muslim Persecution of Christians, April 2019

(Midway Presbyterian Church , South Carolina)

by Raymond Ibrahim

About this Series

The persecution of Christians in the Islamic world has become endemic.  Accordingly, “Muslim Persecution of Christians” was developed to collate some—by no means all—of the instances of persecution that surface each month. It serves two purposes:

1)          To document that which the mainstream media does not: the habitual, if not chronic, persecution of Christians.

2)          To show that such persecution is not “random,” but systematic and interrelated—that it is rooted in a worldview inspired by Islamic Sharia.

Muslim Persecution of Christians, April 2019

Slaughter of Christians

Sri Lanka: On Easter Sunday, April 21, Islamic terrorists launched a bombing campaign on Christians; the death toll reached 359, with hundreds more wounded.  Eight separate explosions took place, at least two of which were suicide bombings: three targeted churches celebrating Easter Sunday Mass; four targeted hotels frequented by Western tourists in connection with Easter holiday; one blast was in a house, and killed three police officers during a security operation.  At least 39 foreigners — including citizens of the United States, Britain, Australia, Japan, Denmark and Portugal — were among the slain.

Most fatalities occurred in the three church-bombings. The worst took place in St. Sebastian’s, a Catholic church in Negombo; there at least 150 Christian worshippers were murdered. At St. Anthony’s Shrine, another Catholic church in Colombo, the nation’s capital, at least 52 were murdered; and at the evangelical Zion Church, at least 38 were murdered.

“I don’t have words to express my pain,” said a Christian man who survived the bombing at St. Sebastian’s Church in Negombo:

We lost so many people…. The smell of flesh is all around me…. We are a peace-loving community in this small city, we had never hurt anyone, but we don’t know from where this amount of hate is coming. This city has become a grave with blood and bodies lying around…. Since the past three years, we don’t know why, but we see an extremist’s mindset developing among the Muslims. I know many good Muslims, but there are also a lot who hate us, and they have never been so before. It is in these three years that we see a difference.

“People were in pieces,” recalled Ms. Silviya, 26, concerning the bombing of St. Anthony’s Shrine in Colombo. “Blood was everywhere. I closed my son’s eyes, took him out, passed him off to a relative and ran back inside to look for my family.”

Nigeria: The jihad on Christians claimed dozens more lives in April:

On Sunday, April 14, Muslim herdsmen slaughtered 17 Christians who had gathered after a baby dedication at a church.  The infant’s mother was among the slain; the father was left hospitalized in critical condition. 

On Wednesday, April 17, 2019, Fulani militants launched an attack on a predominantly Christian village; four people were killed, six were injured; over one hundred homes and food storage barns burned down. 

On April 19, Muslim raiders killed 11 Christians returning from Good Friday church service; they also kidnapped and slaughtered a female British aid worker. 

On Sunday, April 21, ten boys were killed while taking part in an Easter procession. Emmanuel Ogebe, a Nigerian human rights lawyer remarked in an email, “The Holy Week killings in Nigeria do not grab headlines like Sri Lanka but still Nigeria’s Christians are dying the deaths of a 1000 cuts in as many installments!”

The author of a separate April 21 report, a Nigerian Christian, gave his take of the nonstop carnage of Christians in the West African nation:

In the course of investigating anti-Christian violence throughout Nigeria, I have seen things that drove me to tears. I have entered rooms and houses that were covered with blood. I have seen bodies that were shot and butchered; corpses of pregnant women who had their stomachs ripped opened, the bodies of unborn babies strewn about; homes destroyed; mass graves. In some of these attacks, entire families were killed. In a visit to one state in northern Nigeria, I went to 13 villages that were desolate as a result of herdsmen attacks. In another state, I visited eight churches that were bombed in one day, and in one town I saw the only four Christians who survived a Boko Haram onslaught. They were in hiding after all other Christians fled.

Another report quotes a local Nigerian pastor’s reaction to another church attack in April:  “After that attack, I came to visit the villages in the two-mile area around my church, and it was like a cemetery, as dozens were killed. I have dozens of little children, with no school supplies, no uniforms and no desks, and I need to create a school for them.”

United Kingdom:  A court “sentenced a Muslim Iranian asylum seeker to jail,” an April 5 report says, “for stabbing his wife to death, in part for her conversion to Christianity.”   Dana Abdullah, 35, stabbed Avan Najmadiein, his estranged wife and 32-year-old mother of four, 50 times with a kitchen knife because she refused to support his asylum application.  He was deported from the UK in 2013 for sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl, had returned illegally, and was now “threaten[ing] to kill his wife because she ‘dishonored’ him by converting to Christianity, authorities said.”  One detective involved in the case characterized Abdullah as “an arrogant and controlling man,” who “killed Najmadiein because he resented her rejection, her refusal to support his application and her conversion to Christianity.”  Abdullah was sentenced to a minimum of 18 years and one month in prison.

Attacks on Churches and Crosses

Italy: A 37-year-old Muslim migrant in Rome was recently arrested for attempted homicide after he stabbed a Christian man in the throat for wearing a crucifix around his neck.  “Religious hate” is cited as an “aggravating factor” in the crime.

Days earlier, a separate report noted that “crosses on graves in an Italian cemetery in Pieve di Cento have been covered with black cloth so as not to offend those who may come from another religion,” an apparent reference to Muslim migrants, some of whom have been known to desecrate Christian cemeteries.   “The cemetery,” the report adds, “has also installed motorised blackout curtains in a local chapel following renovations to hide Roman Catholic symbols during ceremonies involving other denominations.”

United States of America:  South Carolina’s Midway Presbyterian Church was vandalized, including by having its 125 year old windows shattered.  “SUBMIT TO GOD THRU ISLAM” and “MUHAMMED IS HIS PROPHET” were spray painted in black on the church’s side. “It was very disturbing because we feel like this was an individual act and we don’t hold any religious group responsible for it,” said Bob Harrell, a church leader. “We think it most likely was some misguided young people.”

Indonesia: Several crosses in the Bethesda Christian cemetery in Mrican were vandalized, broken and burned in the most populous Muslim nation.  The cemetery keeper said that “in the ten years since he has held the job, he has never seen such vandalism.”  The report notes that

the incident joins a long list of cases of intolerance that have taken place in recent months….   In December 2018, some residents in Purbayan removed the upper part of a cross placed on the tomb of Albertus Slamet Sugihardi, after informing his widow, Maria Sutris Winarni, that the cemetery was ‘for the exclusive use of Muslims.’  Before that, the Catholic family was forced to hold a private funeral to avoid tensions with the Islamic community.  A few weeks later, Christian tombs were vandalised in several cemeteries in Magelang, 30 kilometres north of Yogyakarta, Central Java.

Germany: While cursing his “pig god,” Muslim migrants beat and repeatedly stabbed a homeless man in Berlin for apparently displaying some Christian symbol.  According to the report, “Arabic-speaking youths were caught on video assaulting and stabbing a homeless Berlin man is speculated in the German press to be an anti-Christian motivated attack….  After physically attacking the victim, one of the men then drew a knife and stabbed him several times, leaving him with severe injuries to the buttocks, thigh, and arm, according to investigators.”   The Arabic words they yelled were translated as “We f*ck your sister, we’ll finish you!” and “Your pig-God, we f *ck your pig-God!”  The report adds that this “incident is not the first in which a migrant-background Christian has been physically attacked by Arabic-speaking young men for displaying Christian symbols in public in the German capital.  Recently, a 39-year-old had been beaten for wearing a necklace with a cross on it.”

Separately in Germany,a migrant man, apparently of Somali origin, entered a church in Munich during Easter Mass and threw dangerous objects at worshippers (variously described as stones or firecrackers) while shouting, “Allahu akbar” (Allah is greater).  Congregants hurled their Easter meal baskets on the ground and rushed out in a panic.  Some were injured; children were left in a “state of shock.”  Authorities concluded that he was “mentally ill” and therefore not responsible for his actions.

Egypt: After a large Muslim mob beat two Christians, one a Coptic priest, in front of 200 terrified children who had gathered for Bible lessons, authorities responded by arresting the beaten Christian priest and shutting the church in compliance with the mob’s wishes.   On the previous day, the mayor had gone to oversee ongoing reconstruction of the church.  Angered at what he considered too much of an “add-on,” he accused the church of “treason” and riled local Muslims against it.  At that point, according to the report,

The city council immediately arrived, stopped the work and confiscated building materials, including the cement and the reinforced steel.  The next day at 4 p.m., dozens of angry demonstrators tried to enter the church premises but were unable to get through a steel door. Carrying clubs and knives, they started shouting, cursing and pelting the building with rocks, according to Coptic Solidarity.  Additional forces arrived, and Father Basilious was struck as he and another priest were escorted off the premises. Parents and church leaders were not able to move the 200 children away from the angry, chanting villagers until security forces dispersed the crowds. Though police witnessed the beating of the priest, no arrests were made.  Both Father Basilious and Father Bakhoum were taken for questioning into the evening hours.  Police issued an indefinite closure order, pending investigations, and froze all activities of the 10-year-old church, including its daycare and the Sunday School.

One local Christian woman said, “The hardest emotion in that incident is the kids lived the incident in the reality. They saw the extremists attacking the church and how they injured the priests. This incident will hurt them psychologically in the future.”  “This is a very hard situation,” said another. “You can see kids praying in tears because of their feelings of fear … that is very painful for us as Christians personally. I don’t trust in the government promises, but we have to continue praying for [a] reopening [of] the church.”

Attacks on Muslim Converts to Christianity

Kyrgyzstan:  Three Muslim men nearly beat to death a former Muslim man because he converted to Christianity.  After they broke into the home of Eldos, in his 20s,

They shouted at him that he was a kaffir (a derogatory term for a non-Muslim) and that he had betrayed Islam (the classic Islamic view of Muslims who leave Islam).  Then they tried to force him to say the shahada (the Islamic creed), which is considered conversion or re-conversion to Islam, but Eldos bravely refused. They then repeatedly kicked him in the head as he lay helpless on the floor, fracturing his jaw and smashing his teeth and leaving him semi-conscious.  They then threatened that they would come back to kill him if he did not leave the village by the morning. 

Eldos reported the incident to local authorities—only to find them siding with his attackers.  He “was held captive for ten hours in a prosecutor’s office in the capital Bishkek by the lawyer of his attackers. The lawyer tried to force Eldos to drop the charges against the three men who viciously attacked him.”  Among the threats made during his ordeal, the defense lawyer told Eldos, “We are going to lock you in prison and you are going to beg me for your life.”  Eldos and his uncle, also a convert to Christianity, fled the Muslim-majority nation two days later.

Uganda: A  former Muslim imam and secret convert to Christianity, Sheikh Hassan Podo, 28, explained what happened to him after an informer told his family that he had been missing mosque prayers and was seen entering a church: “my brothers immediately began surrounding me, with sticks. It was difficult to escape [from the family house]. They began shouting, beating and insulting me as an ‘infidel’ and enemy of the Islamic religion.”  A local heard “a loud cry emanating from Podo’s homestead, raising a big concern from the neighbors who arrived at the scene of attack and helped Podo to escape.  He bled as he fled for his life. Later he was found in a pool of blood a kilometer away from the homestead, unconscious.”  His wife and two children managed to escape to a nearby Christian neighbor.  Podo was rushed to a clinic, where he was treated for wounds to his head and body; two days later he was discharged to a pastor’s home. According to the pastor, Podo’s father has since assembled a group of Muslims from different mosques “to hunt for the life of his son, declaring a fatwa and disowning him, and giving his land to the brothers for bringing blasphemy into the family.”

Kenya: Charles Ndingi Mudasir, a former Muslim who converted to Christianity in 2014, shared some of what transpired once his Muslim father learned of his apostasy:

One Sunday morning, [my father] followed behind me and saw me enter the church. That evening, he called two imams and my uncles. All of them descended on me with blows, slaps, and whips, calling me a kafir (infidel)….  They forced me to repeat the shahada [several times]. They continued to beat me mercilessly. My furious father hit me in the head and I fainted. When I woke up, I found myself locked in a dark room and with a lot of pain. Back in my mind, I knew that I was still a Christian and if I died I would go to heaven. I was released after two days. Life was never the same again. I was not allowed to leave the compound on Sundays.

Then, “in 2015, my father arranged a trip for me and my uncle, Mohamed, to Qatar. We were to be there for a month and come back,” continues Charles.  While at the airport with his uncle, Charles asked his brother why he was weeping:   “My brother, who is still a Muslim, had compassion for me. He [told me of] the plan my father had devised; to have me beheaded in Qatar because I had refused to convert back to Islam. I acted very fast, escaped from my uncle at the airport and rushed back to the church.”

Later, “while surfing in a cyber café in Mombasa [with] my childhood friend, some people blindfolded and whisked me into a waiting car,” says Charles:

I was taken round and round by the men, [who were] praising Allah that they had found me. Finally, I was taken to a mosque and uncovered…..  I was later moved to another house and locked inside a small dark room. I was given seven days to repent and re-Islamize. Every day, I was given a blue pill with very little water. My captors told me that my father had sent that pill to help me remove unbelief from my thick head. Yes, my father again. My heart sank deeper….  On the eighth day, I was told that they would take me to the mosque to either be killed or [to be dropped off after] injecting me with poison. I knew my end had just arrived. I said my final prayer for deliverance from the claws of the enemy or a gracious welcome to the heavenly presence of God. The Lord answered my prayer, and my captors asked me where I wanted to go. I told them that I wanted to go to the South Coast.

He was again blindfolded, shoved into the car, driven to the South Coast, and dumped near the Word of Life Mombasa.

General Discrimination and Persecution

Palestinian Authority: On April 25, “the terrified residents of the Christian village of Jifna near Ramallah,” states a report, “were attacked by Muslim gunmen … after a woman from the village submitted a complaint to the police that the son of a prominent, Fatah-affiliated leader had attacked her family. In response, dozens of Fatah gunmen came to the village, fired hundreds of bullets in the air, threw petrol bombs while shouting curses, and caused severe damage to public property. It was a miracle that there were no dead or wounded.” The “rioters,” the report continues, “called on the [Christian] residents to pay jizya—a head tax that was levied throughout history on non-Muslim minorities under Islamic rule. The most recent victims of the jizya were the Christian communities of Iraq and Syria under ISIS rule.”   Moreover, as often happens when Muslims attack Christians in Islamic nations, “Despite the [Christian] residents’ cries for help … the PA police did not intervene during the hours of mayhem. They have not arrested any suspects.”  

Malaysia:  After moving to a Muslim village, Slamet Sumiarto, a Catholic artist and his family “were expelled from a village because they are not Muslim.”  Sumiarto made a video about the situation:

I just moved here to Pleret and brought all my stuff and paintings to Karet.  Today I am very sad to know that I do not have the “right” to stay and live here simply because I am not a Muslim and my whole family is Catholic.  From an emotional point of view, I am really exhausted from this unexpected experience.  My poor wife, my children and I hope to soon find a good solution to this problem so that I could stay here, in this rented house in Pleret.

Although some local officials tried to get involved after seeing his video, in the end, Sumiarto and his family opted for prudence and moved.

Pakistan:  On account of his Christian identity, Muslims attacked and beat Kenneth Johnson, a 27-year-old Christian, after he tried to open a small grocery store.  According to Johnson, a poor agricultural laborer who takes care of three children, “It took about a year for me to save and arrange the required funds to establish a grocery store. However, Christians in this Islamic society are not allowed to initiate a business.  I had customers in my shop when Fiaz Khattak led an armed group of about a dozen Muslim.  They attacked my shop, damaged the stuff, thrashed me, passed derogatory remarks against Christians and Christianity. However, I managed to escape from the scene and protected myself from major injuries.”  The Muslims told Johnson things like, “How dare you, a Christian, initiate a business of a grocery store in the village. You are born to clean the roads and our houses, not to do businesses.”  Johnson continues:

The police did not reach the scene on time when we called the helpline.  Instead of a legal course of action, the police officer referred the case to the community leader. However, the community leader is even more helpless in front of an influential Muslim, therefore, I have not got any relief.  It is very hard for Christians to uplift themselves.  They are deprived and discouraged at different levels and face discrimination. Muslims often resist to provide opportunities to Christians. Rather, they create hurdles to keep them at lower positions.

Egypt:  On April 16, parliament approved the final draft of Egypt’s proposed amendments to the 2014 Constitution.  Although the Sisi government had emphasized that these constitutional changes would help ensure the rights of Christians, the final language has disappointed many Copts.  According to Article 244—the only article that mentions Christians—“the state shall guarantee that youth, Christians, the physically challenged and Egyptian expatriates are fairly represented in line with laws regulating this aspect (adequate representation).” Aside from likening Christians to handicaps and minors, “the language is in itself problematic, as the population of Christians is considered a state secret and thus it is impossible to ascertain what fair representation looks like for believers,” notes one report. “Most Egyptian Christians live in the Minya Governorate, where they are believed to represent nearly 50% of the population. The proposed constitutional changes also ignore other challenges Christians face, such as being treated as second-class citizens and difficulties at getting new churches approved.”

Read all of Ibrahim’s previous monthly reports here.

[lilypad-make]

BNHA Fanfic Recs

*excitedly appears out of no where *

FANFICTION!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17194118

Everyone knows the Mighties - the number one award ceremony for heroes, celebrating all their achievements over the past year. For Ochaco, it's also an experience that she'll treasure with Deku, to celebrate their relationship. Written for IzuOcha Week 2018, Bonus Day, on the theme of 'Warm Snuggles'. Cross-posted from Fanfiction dot Net.

THIS IS SO CUTE!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17554373

Midoriya Izuku became a journalist because he believed that it was the closest he could get to the Pro Heroes. Turns out he's about to get a whole lot closer.

- OR -

A and B are both looking for a movie to rent and, coincidentally, they have the same movie in mind! They reach for it at the same time and, oh, there’s only one copy left! After a few minutes of ‘oh, go ahead, you can have it’ from both sides, they agree to rent it and watch it together.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19246474

Shouto Todoroki looks back on his friendships.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13374642/1/Cheap-Little-Keychain

An Izuocha Roommates AU, because we need more of these two adorable kiddos. - A tender little moment between two teenagers on the verge of love...or maybe just embarrassment. Cross-posted on AO3

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13433840/1/Happiness-and-the-shape-it-takes

Eri smiles and sings. Mina notices something very, very interesting. Cross posted on AO3, tenthin a series of cute Eri one shots.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21657529

[Manga spoilers ] For Kyouka, music meant her haven. Each beat resonates with her heart’s and resounds life and emotions. Each symphony caresses or tickles her eardrums that pulls out one of her most sheltered smiles. The melody sways with her, overlaps with her being, ringing within her, with something deep inside her. Yet for the first time in her life, she finds her toes curling to the thought of playing music.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13376595

Eri does something awfully curious. Izuku and Ochako don't know what to do about it. Cross-posted AO3, sixth in a series of cute Eri one shots.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21178805

He was doing that stupid Deku thing again. Smiling like it didn’t hurt.

Or: Lunch breaks are breaks for a reason; stopping some robbers should be a walk in the park for two seasoned pro-heroes. Unfortunately for Katsuki and Izuku, neither of those are true. Trapped underground, the only thing left is for old wounds to resurface.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21251159/chapters/50598734

Midoriya Izuku was a boy with dreams that weren't going to die anytime soon. By doing all that he could, he aims to be the first quirkless hero! Unfortunately, it seems that his supposed classmates kind of just.. um, got expelled?

Aka, Midoriya is born one year early and everything changes. Being the only student of 1-A is going to be quite the adventure.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21543886

Flowers have meanings right?, Let's see what a guy can do with them.

I saw a post on tumblr and then I had the urge to read Mirio/ Tamaki fanfics . This one was really sweet !

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21416593

Tamaki likes Mirio but is terrified of losing him as a friend. Friendly neighborhood lesbians do absolutely nothing, at least not directly.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20542133

All Might gifts Izuku a present.{ This is based on the Manga chapter so a bit spoilers are there } 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20328427/chapters/48198775

After a bad diagnosis that paints an early death for Inko Midoriya, the kind mother does whatever she can to give Izuku a good life outside heroics. Buying a coffee shop? Check. Teaching her child how to run an analysis website? Done. Adopting a certain horned child using dubious means while ensuring they stay together? Already handled. Everything she did was to help him. After all, she may believe in Izuku's dream, but no one else did.

His mother passing away was a shock for Izuku. However, he has a coffee shop to manage, a website to run, and a traumatized child to raise. Heroics seems far away for the green bean, and he's accepted that. But just because he doesn't have a license, heroics runs deep in Izuku's soul, and soon he'll find that those that need a hero find him instead.

Now if he could just get Aizawa to stop bugging him for analysis's during his break.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20551934/chapters/48784790

Owning a cafe that is frequented by many, heroes and civilians alike, isn't easy, but Midoriya didn't really mind. He had two kids to take care of, found many friends in the resident teachers and the resident explosive pomeranian.

But the boy is tangled up in things that most heroes wouldn't even want to go near.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21392233

Fate is not a kind mistress… until she is. Sometimes you find a family you didn’t know you had. A story you never knew needed to be told. A friend you thought you’d lost a long time ago. A secret that needed to be told. Toshinori Yagi is about to experience all of this. It’s about damn time, too.

(Toshinori-centric, Biological DadMight AU)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21404848/chapters/50995303

Toshinori Yagi is prepared to end it all, regretting letting the love of his life go in favor of his career. Now his career is over, and he's alone. Until he meets little Izuku Midoriya and finds familiarity in those beautiful green eyes.

ToshInko getting back together and becoming a family. No Quirks AU, Toshinori is an Action Movie star.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21129047/chapters/51275926

Corruption Attacks Another Major City!... After the disappearance of Yagi Toshinori and Midoriya Izuku, the Class A Villain, Corruption, has been seen attacking more and more cities. His motives are unknown to the public, but the Japanese police force is collaborating with the American Heroes and their police force and it is speculated that they have a possible motive…

Midoriya Izuku and Yagi Toshinori are being hunted by an old ally of All for One, Corruption. After getting attacked at a heroics function in LA, they drop off the map and go on the run to avoid Corruption's many informants and lackeys. Follow along for short snippets of their time on the run from strange convenience stores to the final fight with Corruption.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21421786

They've been on the run, living out of a van as they travel across America, hiding themselves from a villain who wants them both dead. Naturally, Toshinori has been a little on edge.

It doesn't help when he wakes up one night to find Izuku's gone missing.

Meanwhile, Izuku curses his horrible luck. Who ever knew a nosebleed could cause so much trouble?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21451318

The last time Izuku had brought a friend home, he’d been three years old. That had been over a decade ago, and Inko hadn’t thought it would happen again.

OR: Midoriya invites his friends home to meet his mom. Some old wounds are uncovered, but Inko is glad to see that her son has friends who support him

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13433832

Years in the future, Eri is on the cusp of adulthood. She takes one last look back, and faces her nightmares one more time. Cross posted on AO3, ninth in a series of cute Eri one shots.

[Manga spoilers !]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21492322

Class 1-A has been noticing something different about their teacher since the USJ Incident. Not bad different, just, Different. It fueled their gossip hours, just why did he keep dropping things? Midoriya gets a chance to find out.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21508843

It really wasn’t fair to be discriminated against for not being Gifted. Very few people actually had a Gift, and even fewer among them were able to make something of it. He only was looked down on at first since he ruined the village’s ‘Picture Perfect Generation’. After that… it became quite apparent that he didn’t mesh well with the other children. Kaachan being the only exception until they grew apart.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17802974/chapters/42003089

Getting crushed by falling building whilst shielding a little girl wasn't the worst way to die. Only, Midoriya's not quite dead yet. He still has so much to prove - to do - to finish! All Might gave him his power, but now look at him... how is Midoriya meant to be the next symbol of peace if he's stuck in a coma?!

Meanwhile, his future classmates are left to wonder... Who is student 18? And where is he now?

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL AND  I LOVE IT !

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16722678

In this month's special feature, the Hero Deku spends a day with Modern Heroes Monthly to discuss breakfast diners, boring patrols, and what it means to be the hero ranked number one.

(This fic was written for the Big Damn Heroes Zine)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21511909

This class hurt. Shouta would never admit it, but more than anything, 1A hurt to teach, to be around, to look after. He’d never seen such comradery between a whole class before, not even one he’d taught. They knew each other inside and out, care for each other, loved each other like a family.

Which is why it hurt so much knowing one of them wouldn’t graduate.

----

Shouta can teach kids to save the world, but he can't teach them to save themselves.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21314554

Class 1-A were granted permission to have a sleepover in the common room but the night takes a turn for the worse as soon as Aizawa steps through the door from a night out on patrol.

Let the panic commence.

Until next time ~

[leftpress]

Jasper Bernes | July 9th 2019 | Commune

Acid against austerity.

When cultural theorist, author, and blogger Mark Fisher passed away in 2017, he left behind an unfinished book manuscript. Acid Communism: On Post-Capitalist Desire was to continue the project of his 2009 book Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative? In Capitalist Realism, Fisher wrote that decades of deregulation had all but fully destroyed our ability to imagine viable alternatives to capitalism. If we couldn’t envision a better world, he declared, there could be little hope that such a world would manifest. Capitalist Realism was by no means defeatist, though. The book concludes with a call to action: Fisher draws attention to what he saw as the most urgently needed political resource. If the future we want lies at the limits of our imagination we must begin there — with the creative, unruly parts of our consciousness, that parts that capital wants to claim as its own. The current political nightmare, he suggests, will only be defeated by vibrant dreams.

In this spirit, Acid Communism was meant to strengthen the political imagination. A recently published anthology of Fisher’s writings includes a draft for the introduction, which reads something like a manifesto. Fisher had taken a cue from his friend Jeremy Gilbert, a scholar who had long maintained that the sixties might serve as a blueprint for contemporary leftist revolution. Inspired by Gilbert, Fisher coined the phrase that would become the title for his next book: “acid communism” represents the idea that psychologically profound experiences — including the use of psychedelic drugs — should be used to galvanize anticapitalist movements. In the introduction, he observes that the optimism of the hippie-era left had faded during the heyday of Reagan and Thatcher. Neoliberal economics catalyzed widespread cynicism, Fisher claimed, and in so doing depleted the mental energy required for proactive organizing. We now owed it to ourselves to revive the hopeful politics that flourished in the sixties.

In the wake of Fisher’s suicide, several activist initiatives took up the Acid Communist banner. The 2018 transmediale festival, an annual arts and culture event in Berlin, included a workshop called “Building Acid Communism.” Workshop leaders gave the audience a series of prompts aimed at “unveiling and exploring the precise idea of freedom” that motivated left-wing activists. These questions inquired into how participants experienced boredom, whether fashion and style mattered to their political identity, and the last time they felt truly free from work, among other issues. Meanwhile, a spate of recent articles about Acid Communism reflect the multiple ways it might be interpreted. In one editorial, Jeremy Gilbert points out that the concept has taken on other names, including “freak left,” “psychedelic socialism,” and in the UK, “Acid Corbynism.” Acid Corbynism is referenced in the title for Gilbert’s new podcast, #ACFM (Acid Corbynism FM), which investigates “the links between Left-wing politics and culture, music and experiences of collective joy.” Although they are eclectic, these endeavors agree that the psychedelic sixties might make a reappearance in the political future. The work of Acid Communism, it seems, is just beginning.

The timing is apropos. Currently, we are in the midst of what some have called a “psychedelic renaissance,” referring to the revival of scientific interest in the psychiatric use of these drugs. Psychedelic psychiatry was a burgeoning field in the postwar period, but by the seventies the criminalization of all psychedelic drugs had brought investigations to an effective halt. After years of advocacy by researchers and psychedelic enthusiasts, clinical investigations of LSD, magic mushrooms, and related chemicals resumed in the nineties. 2014 saw the first peer-reviewed study on LSD published in over forty years, and the number of clinical trials is rapidly growing. Until recently, however, the psychedelic renaissance could not be considered mainstream. Its breakthrough moment came with the publication of Michael Pollan’s 2018 book How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence. Reaching the top spot on the New York Times bestseller list, How to Change Your Mind was a watershed moment for the reputation of psychedelics. Pollan is a widely-respected journalist, and much of the current research is being conducted at well-known universities; Stanford, Johns Hopkins, and NYU all currently have psychedelic research labs. This is encouraging to those who have long known what researchers are now trying to prove: when used safely, psychedelics can vastly improve one’s quality of life.

Although Acid Communism stands to benefit from the improved public image of psychedelics, these movements have yet to meaningfully overlap. I’ve been keeping close watch on both. My interest in the two subjects began around the same time, during my sophomore year in college. This was the fall of 2008. I was already skeptical of the US economy, but the financial crash confirmed my suspicion that capitalism was dangerous and unethical. That same fall marked my introduction to psychedelic drug experience. My initial encounter with LSD was overwhelmingly positive. It made believe that that the world was joyful, mysterious, and full of promise — an impression which contrasted sharply with the current political mood. In an attempt to reconcile my psychedelic-inspired hopeful outlook with extenuating social circumstances, I started participating in anti-capitalist and pro-peace activism. The fall of 2008 made it impossible for me to separate my political sensibilities from the hopefulness that psychedelia represents for me. But I’ve rarely seen psychedelics politicized this way in contemporary pop culture. I’d just assumed that after the sixties, psychedelic experiences could not be framed as political in mainstream discourse.

For the most part, then, I’ve pursued these subjects as separate intellectual endeavors. Both have continued to be central to my life. In 2013, I moved to New York City to pursue a Master’s degree in Nonprofit Management. Although I hardly had time for anything other than school, I volunteered to help out at an after-party for Horizons NYC, which is an international forum on the science and culture of psychedelic drugs. Held every October, Horizons brings together researchers, artists and spiritual leaders to give talks on topics ranging from the globalization of the psychedelic brew ayahuasca to the use of magic mushrooms in treating cocaine addiction. My schedule of classes and work prevented me from attending any lectures. Volunteering offered me partial access to this complicated, interesting world.

“If the future we want lies at the limits of our imagination we must begin there — with the creative, unruly parts of our consciousness, that parts that capital wants to claim as its own.”

The night began with a dinner for benefactors of MAPS — the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies — a non-profit promoting psychedelic research based in Santa Cruz, CA. As we relayed kale salad and vegan cheesecake across the kitchen, my friend Nina pulled me aside. “This is weird,” she whispered, nodding toward the dining room. I knew what she meant. The venue was a lavishly-appointed brownstone belonging to a moneyed Manhattan couple. It bore little resemblance to the psychedelic settings we knew and loved: earthy, DIY spaces which would no more readily welcome conspicuous displays of wealth like the one before us than then they would a visit from law enforcement. The guests didn’t match the hippie image we associated with psychedelics either. Their conversation flowed from remarks about exotic vacation getaways to opinions on Brooklyn’s finest private schools.

This shouldn’t have been a surprise. It was a benefit dinner, after all. But I still found the atmosphere unsettling. At the time, the economic crisis of 2008 was beginning to hit me hard. Not long before the conference, I’d watched a close friend become homeless. The tiny heart attack that happened whenever I used my debit card to buy groceries — the I-hope-there’s-enough-in-my-bank-account panic — had become a normal part of my reality, and I was resigning myself to the possibility that things might never get easier. A large part of me felt psychedelic activism to be extravagant in this climate. But I didn’t want the therapeutic use of psychedelics, a cause I’d believed in for years, to become yet another victim of late capitalism.

I tried to keep that idealistic thought at the front of my mind as the night continued. If anything, I assured myself, I should be glad to meet so many psychedelic enthusiasts who appealed to more conservative perspectives. After all, I reasoned, a controversial movement needs allies in the mainstream. Still, I couldn’t help but resent the guests for their seeming obliviousness to the current state of affairs. I wondered if they’d ever drawn a connection between their immunity to the war on drugs and their economic status, and if so, how much this bothered them. I wondered if they’d achieved some sort of enlightenment — perhaps thanks to psychedelics — that somehow made them both socially conscious and comfortable with their personal wealth. Even if participating in this space represented to me giving up some integrity, I wanted in on this insight. I was tired of feeling hopeless.

Although the luxe setting was unfamiliar, that would not be my last experience with psychedelic activism. My interest in hallucinogens followed me to my PhD in critical theory, where I explore the new psychedelic science in my dissertation. Throughout all these years, my social commitments have felt at odds with the pervasive cliché of hippie escapism. There is some truth to the myth of the disengaged drug-user: a friend of mine in the scene once said that, having attained a non-dualistic state of enlightenment, he “saw through” all political opinions. Other psychedelic explorers I’ve met intentionally ignore current events, claiming politics to be too depressing them. But, like a lot of common depictions of drug use, this is more fiction than fact. The consumption of LSD and magic mushrooms is no more likely to promote apathy than caffeine and alcohol. Moreover, in the age of Donald Trump and the rise of the new far-right, more and more people are realizing that their individual lives are ineluctably political. Political consciousness has extended to modern New Age subcultures, which now appear more thoroughly engaged with issues of justice than they did when I was an undergrad.

The Acid Communist movement has helped me view my politics as part of a historical lineage, not a misappropriation of serious Leftism. It’s helped me embrace the idea that if the experience of tripping had a message for society at large — if it aspired beyond the self-indulgence embodied in Timothy Leary’s “turn on, tune in, drop out” — it would threaten the very basis of capital. While the economic virtue of individualism rules over the modern psyche, any dedicated hippie will tell you that hallucinogens offer quite the opposite. These substances tend to break the flow of self-directed thought patterns, leading to a sense of unity with one’s environment. This state of mind is inherently communal and collectivist, and because of that, it’s easy to see how it could heighten sensitivity to political concerns. This is the connection that Fisher was to expound upon in his new book. We can now only speculate on what he might have said.

It would be wrong, however, to portray Fisher as the emblem of the movement. By Jeremy Gilbert’s account, anti-proprietary virtues are key to the concept. As a diverse set of ideas united by a collectivist ethos, appointing a figurehead would make little sense. But if such a title were to be given, Gilbert, not Fisher, may be the more worthy candidate. In a 2017 article titled “Psychedelic Socialism: The Politics of Consciousness, the Legacy of the Counterculture and the Future of the Left,” Gilbert offers some frank words on the difficulties he faced — and still faces — developing the notion in Fisher’s absence: “‘Acid Communism’ was Mark’s term for a political and analytical position that he’d derived more than a little from my work and interests,” he writes. “But it would be totally against the spirit of those shared ideas and priorities to attribute ownership or authorship of any of these ideas to anybody.”

So while Fisher appears to have owed Gilbert more credit than he gave, saying as much might be in bad faith. And, indeed, reducing Acid Communism to a particular thinker or even a cohort of thinkers would miss the point. While researching this article, I interviewed Gilbert, who offered some historical answers to the question of who might claim rightful ownership to Acid Communism. Although lighthearted in spirit, the sixties counterculture was profoundly critical of the bourgeois subject — the individual who sees herself as isolated and therefore acts out of self-interest rather than the common good. On principle, therefore Acid Communism cannot be represented by one person or group. This perspective bears a direct connection to political theories that emerged from Europe in the thirties and forties. Both Gilbert and Fisher link the postwar counterculture to the radical vision of the Frankfurt School, a circle of theorists associated with the Institute for Social Research at the Goethe University in Frankfurt. Its luminaries told of a structural relationship between individualism, capitalism and authoritarianism. With these warnings, it attempted to both retroactively account for fascism and prevent its future resurgence.

“A large part of me felt psychedelic activism to be extravagant in this climate. But I didn’t want the therapeutic use of psychedelics to become yet another victim of late capitalism.”

Unlike the Frankfurt School, Acid Communism deliberately operates outside of academia, which makes it more widely accessible than movements developed mainly inside institutional frameworks. Some of Acid Communism’s strategies include freely disseminating texts and speeches: Plan C, an England-based collective in the UK that produces festivals, includes on its website blog posts and videos of Mark Fisher’s Acid Communism lectures. But Jeremy Gilbert, a member of Plan C, acknowledges that the immediacy and immersiveness of psychedelic feelings demands non-intellectual modes of invocation. He views his work as a dance party organizer as part of his political pursuits. So while there’s certainly no ban on digital organizing, real-world gatherings appear crucial to a new psychedelic Left.

Toward this end, Gilbert and Fisher both explored the viability of incorporating old-school “consciousness-raising” events in a psychedelic framework. First developed by socialist feminists in the 1970s, consciousness-raising encourages participants to share stories about struggles normally conceived as private and shameful. The idea is that when people tune in to others’ narratives of hardship — which may include accounts of mental illness, social isolation and poverty — such problems are revealed as not an exception, but the norm. In his essay “No Romance Without Finance,” Fisher writes that “as soon as two or more people gather together, they can start to collectivise the stress that capitalism ordinarily privatizes. Personal shame becomes dissolved as its structural causes are collectively identified.” When community is built around shared struggle, feelings of alienation are modulated by feelings of solidarity.

Telling stories in this consciousness-raising spirit is key, but making and listening to music might be an equally powerful consciousness-raising technique. At concerts, Fisher writes, “a mass audience could not only experience its feelings being validated, it could locate the origins of those feelings in oppressive structures.” The current popularity of free-spirited music festivals might be framed as a reaction to neoliberal malaise. While modern festivals aren’t as explicitly political as, say, Occupy Wall Street, they do permit attendees to transcend the capitalist reality of dullness and detachment. It’s not just that people directly encounter joy, but that this joy is amplified by the presence of so many others. And at festivals, psychedelic drug use abounds. “Psychedelic drugs gave birth to the modern-day music festival,” points out journalist Kevin Franciotti. “There would have been no Woodstock without LSD.” It matters just as much that the historic Woodstock Festival also has a political history. The anti-Vietnam War movement was at least as essential to Woodstock as drug use. Jeremy Gilbert and the Plan C collective maintain that politics still go hand in hand with festival culture.

The politicization of tripping and trippy art raised my suspicion, however. Political thinkers have long raised been skeptical of a connection between aesthetics and politics. The difficulties of rendering politics as art and vice versa were a major topic of Frankfurt School publications. During our interview, I asked Gilbert about German-Jewish philosopher Walter Benjamin’s essay “The Work of Art In The Age Of Mechanical Reproduction.” Penned by Benjamin during the rise of the Nazi regime, it makes a theoretical argument that the artistic representation of political ideals accommodates fascism. Dictatorships, after all, rely heavily on aesthetics. One might imagine the sweeping grandiosity of Nazi propaganda, or the striking color palette used by the fascist rulers in the fictional government of V for Vendetta. It’s admittedly hard to think that tie-dye and jam bands might be used for the same purpose as the military uniforms and Wagnerian orchestras of the Third Reich. But applying the vibrant, affect-heavy veil of psychedelia to Leftist organizing seems strangely manipulative, as if it’s not enough for politics itselfs to appeal to the intellect. And besides, not everybody likes psychedelic art.

In response, Gilbert reminded me that while Benjamin warned against aestheticizing politics, he was by the same token interested in the social potential that inheres in art. This, he said, is a major goal of Acid Communism, which seeks not to authoritatively impose an aesthetic program, as in fascism, but to cultivate seeds of transformation contained in already-existing cultural forms. Mark Fisher’s writings on Acid Communism make frequent references to another Frankfurt School philosopher, Herbert Marcuse. For Marcuse, Fisher wrote, “art was a positive alienation, a ‘rational negation’ of the existing order of things.” Fisher positioned Marcuse against another Theodor Adorno, another Frankfurt School philosopher. While Adorno upheld creativity as a space of revolutionary otherness, Fisher said, he did not provide any tangible visions for the politics that art might inform. Rather, Adorno had readers “endlessly examine the wounds of a ‘damaged life’ under capital.” Instead of “marking our distance” from utopia — Fisher’s final verdict on Adorno — culture should strive to embody the ideals to which we might aspire.

This sentiment was echoed by Gilbert during our interview. Radical politics, he said, are always utopian, and utopian intentions are wasted without a manifest blueprint for change. Psychedelic art, with its message of love and transcendence, delivers. “It’s not going to be for everybody,” he clarified. But he indicated that its recognizable styles — whirling geometric patterns, fractals, and musical intricacy — offer an “aesthetics of complexity” which contrast with the dull reductiveness of capitalist realism. “Not many people allow themselves the full extent of their complexity,” he said, quoting composer Arthur Russell. With its multidimensional intricacies, both the art and the drugs might throw the banality of contemporary popular media into high relief.

Of course, psychedelic experience can’t be relied on to lead to communitarian politics. One weakness of Acid Communism is that it appears to rely on a presumptive natural link between psychedelic experience and Leftist perspectives. This may have been the case for me, but, it’s not exactly scientific law. In a talk titled “Psychedelics, Fascism and the Politics of Profane Illumination,” religious historian Alan Piper admits that “initiation by psychedelic experience does not inevitably lead to liberal values” — where “liberal” is counterposed with “fascist.” Piper’s talk included a brief history of psychedelia’s dark side. Hallucinogenic drugs, he noted, have long been deployed as tools of subjugation. Hallucinogen use prevailed in the Weimar Republic, and was formative for fascist thinker Julius Evola. Then there are the Cold War era MK Ultra experiments, where US government officials administered LSD to unwitting subjects to determine its potential as a truth serum. Today, the pervasiveness of sexual assault by ayahuasca shamans is becoming well-known in subcultures using psychedelics. And the use of ayahuasca by non-indigenous people has been critiqued as cultural appropriation. Psychedelics, in view of all this, could hardly be said to lead to directly to political enlightenment.

“Acid Communism could be a component of a dynamic, experimental Leftism that is as interested in creativity as it is in critique. It would just take a bit of determination, and a strong dose of imagination.”

The case of Burning Man — the world-famous gathering long heralded as a locus of communitarianism — complicates things even further. In theory, Burning Man perfectly embodies an Acid Communist practice. No money is allowed to be exchanged within its borders; it instead promotes the free sharing of resources as part of a gift economy structure. Burning Man is organized around the idea that people want to help out more than compete with one another. But there has been a recent backlash against this image: a spate of popular reporting tells of excessive tech-sector wealth and the rampant consumerism required to prepare for a week in the barren desert. The stories usually go something like this: once safely distant from their offices, Bay Area Burners descend into well-financed hedonism. Spending millions on private jets to the remote Nevada location, they proceed to “camp” in utmost luxury. Technology scholar PJ Patella-Rey considered this in an article titled “Burning Man is The New Capitalism.” While he emphasizes that there’s no causal link between the two, Rey claims it’s also not a coincidence that Burning Man began in 1989 — the year that the Berlin Wall fell. “Burning Man demonstrates how market-driven consumption fuels a new commons and how this commons, in turn, creates new markets,” he writes.

Gilbert considers the transformation of commons into markets to be a perversion of psychedelic values. But perhaps it’s to be expected. As he reported on his blog, “you can’t expect projects like Burning Man to end up in any place other than where it now is, in the absence of a much wider political movement for them to connect to. Experimental spaces like Burning Man will end up being co-opted by capitalism if there isn’t some wider political movement to sustain them, inspire them, and inform them about how to do things differently. You can’t really blame Burning Man for the fact that that’s happened to it.” It would seem that if music and art events are committed to widespread social transformation, such intentions would have to be extremely clear from the outset.

The intimacy between Silicon Valley and psychedelics deserves further remark. The rise of the “cryptopsychedelic” movement joins Bitcoin boosters and hippies, and initiatives are being launched to help corporate executives expand their professional mindset with some hallucinogenic assistance. And this surpasses the tech sector. Across the US, the reform of drug policy is a popular cause among libertarians and certain factions of the alt-right. Of course, not all who vouch for laissez-faire economics support the new psychedelic movement. But in the US, much overlap exists between these groups. When I pressed Jeremy Gilbert on this, he responded that contemporary hippies who embrace libertarianism fail to grasp the political history of their subculture. The New Agers of the mid-20th century, he claimed, were never in favor of capitalist principles. But this history may be more clear in Europe, where socialism has not withstood the bad reputation it has had in the States. If Acid Communism is to thrive in the USA, it would have to emphasize that psychedelia has been long-embraced by anti-capitalism. Its current vogue among libertarians is a historical anomaly.

On this note, it’s especially relevant that the psychedelic resurgence is not strictly happening in well-financed research labs. Much like the new left, it is taking place in the streets. As the number of legal investigations grows, the rise psychedelic in psychedelic drug may appear to be the exclusive result of science. A recent Vice Magazine piece points that the last few years have seen a major swell in the illegal use of LSD, especially among young people. “US government statistics show 1.31 million 18- to 25-year-olds admitted taking LSD in 2017 compared with 317,000 in 2004 — almost a fourfold increase since the mid 2000s,” it reports. While the fiat renaissance raises the socially-acceptable banner of medical studies, on the streets, it crosses into brazen political territory. Vice interviewed 25-year-old Abby, a student in the US who claims to use LSD to cope with “the ravages of modern capitalism,” as she puts it. “Psychedelics take the edge off the costs and burden of existing in a materialist and capitalist society, and the fact that this is not how life is supposed to be,” Abby said.

The construction of psychedelic spaces “where people can learn and grow” might be a natural pastime for youth increasingly skeptical of the status quo. Indeed, aiding the creativity and curiosity of young people — capacities preempted by neoliberal education policy — could be a goal of Acid Communism. When I asked Jeremy Gilbert about his hopes for the future, he indicated public school curricula as a site desperately in need of reconstruction. While it may be hard to translate Acid Communism into education policy reform, its program of consciousness-raising might take the form of alternative education practices, such as teach-ins and ecologically-focused curricula. And, indeed, there is indeed a burgeoning para-academic psychedelic pedagogy. Most psychedelic conferences welcome speakers without institutional affiliation, and a recent assembly titled “Cultural and Political Perspectives on Psychedelic Science�� joined scholars across disciplines to weight in on the social implications of psychedelia.

Although formal meetings openly embrace Acid Communism, its truths might always be more evident at the after-parties. While I missed the lectures at Horizons 2013, I’ve since attended a number of other psychedelic conferences. More often than not, the formal lectures are less interesting than the conversations that ensue. While it’s too much to expand on medicine, culture and politics in a single talk, the disciplinary orthodoxy that guides conference lectures doesn’t apply to casual conversation. [a pattern emerged]. Many people see their psychedelic and political commitments as intertwined, refusing to reduce one to the other.

This brings me back to my story about Horizons. Following the benefactor dinner, there was an dance party. People were welcome even if they hadn’t gone to the conference, and the ticket price was affordable. As my friend and I made our way through the crowd, something stuck out: people seemed elated. They were unselfconsciously giddy in a way I rarely encountered at a typical bar. Of course, for some, this was the result of a little chemical assistance. But I was sober the aura was infectious anyway. It helped me set aside my bitterness from earlier hours and enjoy my company. I ended up talking to a man who’d brought his children along. When I asked him if he was worried about the party’s possible bad influences, he replied that this was the most wholesome thing they’d seen all week. What they encountered at school, he observed, was far less uplifting. There was no argument there. Despite the reason for the occasion, the feeling of inclusiveness made psychedelics seem incidental. People were what mattered, not chemical compounds.

“This is what it looks like,” I thought. An ideal was realized if only temporarily. Of course, it may seem tenuous as the basis for a new politics. But Acid Communism could be a component of a dynamic, experimental Leftism that is as interested in creativity as it is in critique. It would just take a bit of determination, and a strong dose of imagination.

The post Turn On, Tune In, Rise Up appeared first on Commune.

[Read More On LeftPress.org]