#2. his dad was part of the CIA

[apollos-boyfriend]

my boyfriend is so good at pickup lines this bitch hit me with the “are you JFK because i have the familial urge to shoot you in the street right now” earlier and now i dream of kissing him under the moonlight

[moeitsu]

Explaining the James Logan Howlett (Wolverine) Lore for the new fans :)

I made this as a little cheat sheet for all the new Logan/Wolverine fans, in case you’ve never seen the movies or read the comics. Hopefully it’ll help with your fanfics and understanding his character better <3

Logan is my favorite of the Marvel superhero’s, and he and I go way back….so far back that my Dad dressed up as Wolverine and I as Rogue for Halloween in 2006. So he holds a very special place in my heart.

Lore - Part 2  Wolverine Comics

If you’ve seen X-men Origins: Wolverine, I hate to break it to you, but that backstory is not canon to the X-men universe. The later movies really screwed up the timeline. So the information here is strictly from the comics.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

Pre-Adamantium Binding:

His real name is James Howlett, ‘Logan’ is later used as an alias to distance himself from his past.

He was born sometime around 1880, in Alberta Canada.

He is the illegitimate son of Elizabeth Howlett and Thomas Logan. He grew up on the Howlett estate and believed John Howlett was his real father.

His mutant powers first appeared when he was a child. He has accelerated healing, heightened senses, and retractable bone claws.

The trigger was caused by Thomas Logan killing James Howlett. The overwhelming fear and anger made his power manifest, blinded with rage he kills Thomas.

As his biological father dies, he reveals to Logan that he is his true father. The event is deeply traumatizing, and Logan runs away from his family estate. His mother commits suicide shortly after.

Logan has a half brother known as Sabertooth (Victor Creed) who has similar powers to the Wolverine but is more ‘animalistic’

The details vary across the comics but the brothers are always seen as rivals. And often pitted against eachother.

Logan served in WWI, WWII, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War.

He also served in a Canadian military force known as ‘Department H’ that specialized in superhuman affairs. (This was after the experiment, I’ll go into more detail later)

Sometime before the Weapon X program: On Earth-616, Logan had a wife (Itsu) and son in Japan where he was training at the time. They were killed by the Winter Soldier (Bucky Barnes)

Weapon X Program - Adamantium Binding:

The Weapon X program was run by multiple people working in secret for the Canadian government. Originally beginning in 1845, their goal was to experiment on mutants and create their own super-soldiers.

Logan was deceived and manipulated into undergoing the Weapon X experiment. He did not consent to being a test subject.

For some reason the X-Men Origins movie makes it out to be that Logan willingly chose to undergo this process, only to later reveal that he was tricked into doing so.

Before being captured, he was still struggling with his identity, he was close to 100 years old at the time. His life was filled with violence and loss. Making him physically and mentally vulnerable.

He was a prime target for exploitation.

Part of the experiment was to completely erase his memories and replace them with false ones. This allowed them complete control over him.

This also made it difficult for him to recall how he ended up in the program to begin with.

I repeat: they completely wiped his memory. His whole identity was gone.

100 years of memories were gone.

The bonding process turned his entire skeleton and bone claws into indestructible metal.

Due to his regenerative nature, Logan was not given anesthetic or put under for the procedure. It was excruciatingly painful.

Logan worked as a mercenary for private military contractors. He took on these assignments without fully understanding their implications because of his fragmented memory.

Sometime later he became a member of X-Force, a private military unit (affiliated with the CIA) that dealt with incredibly violent operations.

The purpose of the project was to create an unstoppable killing machine. With their end goal being to erase his humanity all together. However Logan’s mental fortitude allowed him to resist the conditioning and make his escape before it was too late.

After escaping, Logan developed a mistrust with authority. And just people in general. He felt deeply betrayed by the Weapon X program. And he struggles with the fear of being used as a weapon.

The escape and aftermath of Weapon X:

After everything Logan went through, the intense trauma and confusion significantly impacted his actions and mindset.

He was left with extreme psychological damage, and behaved more as an animal than a man for the first few years of his freedom. Living in the wilderness of Canada.

Quite literally a feral man. He lost touch of his humanity. Embracing his animalistic abilities, turning him into an apex predator.

Logan has the ability to enter something called “Beserker Rage” which he becomes entirely driven by animalistic instinct. Turning him into an unstoppable force and exerting himself for very long periods of time.

Think of when you see him running on all fours…

Over time, Logan began to regain bits and pieces of his humanity. He was later discovered by Heather and James MacDonald Hudson who took him in and helped him recover physically and mentally.

(Logan actually fell in love with Heather, and James became his best friend. They were the closest thing he had to a family)

After he recovered, he was recruited by the Canadian governments ‘Department H’. They were responsible for a lot of his training and became a key member in Canada’s superhero team: Alpha Flight.

This is where he took on the code name “Wolverine”

His time with Alpha Flight was short lived. And soon he was approached by Charles Xavier, who was looking for mutants to join his X-Men. He recognized Logan’s potential and offered him a place on the team as well as the promise to help him regain his memory.

Logan accepted, and his time with the X-Men marked a critical and significant moment in his life. Under Xavier’s guidance he was able to rebuild his identity and gradually piece together his past. All while fighting for the rights of mutants.

Being part of the X-Men gave him a sense of purpose and direction. Although his main goal had always been to uncover what he had lost, which was himself. He still struggles with trust and relationships, but eventually forms strong bonds with the other X-men.

His past with Weapon X still haunts him. And he has vivid and terrible nightmares about what he had done and what was done to him.

I won’t go into detail about his time with the X-men because that varies a lot across the comics. Just know that he had a love-hate relationship with them, but he ultimately loved them in the end.

Some sad facts about Logan that actually haunt me:

Logan has outlived everyone he ever loved. Family, friends, even his own children. He is so so so lonely.

Immense amount of survivors guilt. He feels unworthy of the life he continues to live.

He suffers from chronic nightmares. Often waking up in a violent and panicked state.

Deep-seated fear of abandonment that goes all the way back to his early childhood. He isolates himself to protect himself from more pain.

Tons of self-loathing. He believes himself to be nothing more than a killer. He thinks he is unworthy of love and happiness.

In the “Old Man Logan” storyline, he is tricked into killing the entire X-Men team. This event haunts him for the rest of his life.

Logan had a long, unrequited love for Jean Gray. He has watched her die multiple times, and each time a piece of him dies with her. On one occasion, he even had to kill her himself.

When he succumbs to “beserker rage” he loses control of himself. And the aftermath horrifies him. He is even afraid of himself at times and one of the reasons why he distances himself from others.

Some happy/soft facts to make up for everything you just read:

Logan is incredibly fatherly at times, often taking younger mutants under his protection and guidance. He becomes a mentor to them and looks out for their well-being.

In one of the comics he takes a young girl (Jubilee) to the mall and followers her around carrying her bags. He loves doting on her and I find it so adorable.

He also teaches another mutant named Kitty how to dance.

In one mission he is tasked with taking care of an infant, Hope. And he is incredibly gentle and tender with her. Cradling her in his arms and being fiercely protective.

He has a deep love and connection with animals. Especially ones that have been mistreated or misunderstood.

Caring for an injured wolf, he nurses it back to health and releases it back into nature.

He also adopts a stray, abused dog at one point.

In one of the timelines, he funded and ran the ‘Jean Gray School for Higher Learning’ He was the headmaster, and was dedicated to protecting and teaching young mutants.

In one scene he literally makes pancakes for all the students. I love him so much.

His relationship with Nightcrawler (Kurt Wagner) is very brotherly. They share alot of respect and understanding for each other, and Nightcrawler often serves as Logan’s moral compass.

His happiest memories are when he was training in Japan. And he has a deep appreciation and admiration for the culture. Taking on the samurai code of honor, and respecting its discipline and humility.

His entire relationship with Laura Kinney (X-23). Essentially his daughter. Taking on a father-figure role for her.

In one of the comics he organizes a birthday party for her, knowing she never had one. He goes all out and it shows just how much he loves her.

Logan has a great sense of humor. Often dry and sardonic, he’s known for his quick wit and playful banter. Which adds a layer of warmth to his otherwise tough persona.

He is very fond of life’s simple pleasures. Which reflects his inner desire for peace and normalcy. He values the little things that make life enjoyable.

His numerous acts of kindness towards strangers. Logan is compassionate at heart.

He doesn’t comfort others with his words, but rather his presence. Logan has a very unique understanding of grief and tries to give others relief in knowing they aren’t alone.

WOW okay I wrote way too much. Tbh I actually cut a ton out of this but if anybody wants a part 2 I’d be happy to share more. Shoutout to my brother for helping me source all this with his comics lol.

If you read all this, you’re a real one. And I’m so glad we’re all witnessing the Logan Howlett Renaissance

[cod-dump]

Roach (teen!Ghost au)

Part 2 (part 1 here)

———

John knew Kate wouldn’t be coming alone but he wasn’t expecting another American agent. As far as he knew, Kate and her family were located here for ease of access, just to have someone from CIA within range. He didn't know there was more than one of her in country. Well, he assumed this man was CIA at first.

But after getting a good look at him, John quickly figured out the man wasn’t with Kate.

He was strangely familiar, John has seen him around somewhere but he couldn’t pinpoint where. John was hesitant to let him in but Kate gave him a look that told him to step aside. So he did. And the stranger walked in, scanning the room with a hard gaze before he spotted the child on the couch with Nik and softened.

“Hey, Gary,” the man said softly, walking over slowly before he kneeled on the floor near where the boy was sitting.

“Gary?”

“He’s been missing for a few days… We- The commander here found his parents. Well, his dad,” Kate said in a hushed voice.

Gary Sanderson, son of Captain Roger Sanderson. A mercenary who was working for a private organization. This organization had a front here, as a shelter. John felt himself tense, watching the man on the floor carefully. He was thankful he sent the kids off across the street to Johnny’s house to get them out of Kate’s way. He didn’t trust this man around them.

Gary seemed to know him, watching him as the talked to him softly.

“Gave us a scare, kid. And I know you’ve been scared, too.”

Nik kept a comforting hand on the boys shoulder. He seemed also uneasy around the mercenary that apparently had been living amongst them in their town unnoticed. Or maybe Nik had noticed and wasn’t too pleased to have someone like him in his home.

“I brought something for you,” the man said, sounding ever patient with the lack of responses from the child before him. He reached into his bag and pulled out a small stuffed toy, a bear of some kind. Gary’s eyes widened at the sight of it and reached out for it.

The kid changed instantly as soon as he had it in his arms. He started crying, curling up on the couch while holding the worn toy, shaking. The man reached out and touched his knee, the boy doing nothing to push him away. The man had a sadness in his features, seemingly understanding exactly what was happening. Nik was alarmed with the boy’s sudden dive into tears and tried to comfort him, but the boy leaned away.

Kate took John into the hall, turning to him with a stern face.

“Phillip Graves, the shelter owner. He has legal guardianship of the kid.”

John blinks, “He does?”

“Gary’s dad… it’s complicated but he made arrangements for Phillip to take Gary if anything happened to him.”

John’s heart went out to the little boy. He knew. He knew why Phillip was there, he clearly knew him before this.

“Poor kid… what happened to his father?”

“I don’t even know myself. What I do know that it’s purely Phillip’s business and he has enough money to wave any official off for even looking his way.”

John frowned, Kate continuing.

“Nik’s people, from what I know, so happened to run into the tail end of Phillip’s mess, at least the part he hasn’t managed to clean up. I was already getting word from my supervisor about him looking for Gary when you called.”

John looks over his shoulder to the threshold to the living room. Would have Phillip found his way here on his own? What would have he done once he knew Nik had taken Gary? That his people were on sight of the boy’s last known location? The possibilities had him on edge, his mind going to his children and partner.

“Everything is being handled, John. Phillip’s taking the kid back with him and you can go back to your three ring circus.”

“Right…”

In the end, Phillip left with Gary in his arms, the kid asleep and clinging to him. Nik watched them leave, stone faced and quiet. John watched the cars pull away before he turned to the man, nudging his shoulder with his own to get his attention.

“Kate wouldn’t have let him leave with the kid if she didn’t trust where he was going.”

Nik grunts, no verbal response otherwise. John sighs, knowing that he was probably attached to the child.

“He couldn’t have stayed, Nik. There’s enough going on here as is.”

No response.

“Besides, we’re out of bedrooms and I’m sure the boys or Farah weren’t eager to share.”

“Could’ve turned the office into another bedroom.”

John blinks before he laughs, “Excuse me? And where would I work?”

“The basement.”

John scoffs, “Wow-“

Nik cracks a small smile, but he was completely behind it. John expected that he would be finding a way to keep tabs on Gary. John was just hoping he wouldn’t be planning on doing anything stupid, or anything to piss off what appears to be a large operation that Kate has been very aware of and has been quiet about.

John wasn’t keen for a war, especially not in his kids’ town.

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Hiiii! I've been scrolling on your account for the past hour and haven't found what I was looking for, so here I am. I've been wanting to read a Sterek fic where Stiles just takes a gun and shoots straight or whatever and when everybody is like wth he just says: what? My dad's a cop! Just, super badass Stiles. Pleaaaase

Let's see.

Bang Bang Baby by rlnerdgirl

(1/1 I 5,388 I Explicit I Sterek)

When Stiles said he was going to Los Angeles for a week for “PD,” Derek is pretty sure it’s the flimsiest excuse for a solo-vacation, and he feels bad having to call him back early. But there’s something in Beacon hills, something more dangerous than they’ve dealt with in a long time. Turns out, Stiles did go to professional development, to help him deal with shit in Beacon Hills, and when Derek gets a look at what he’s been doing, he’s more than a little conflicted.

Derek manages to blink, tearing his eyes from the gun and bringing his attention to Stiles’ face. “That isn’t a gun.” His voice is rough, mouth still parched.  

The smile that pulls at Stiles’ lips makes him frown. “No,” Stiles agrees. “That’s a Barrett M82A1 sniper rifle, which, according to my instructors, I am a natural at firing, so much so that I have been suggested, many times over the past week, to enter some kind of,” the hand on the back of Derek’s neck stops stroking as Stiles’ wrist moves, hand making a gesture of some kind, “competition for, because apparently shooting competitions are things that exist. I mean, I guess I knew that. I just didn’t realize shooting this would be a competition.”

I'm the ghost of my mistakes by GreyHaven

(20/20 I 29,696 I Explicit I Sterek)

Stiles hasn't been known as Stiles for the past six years. He's Mitch Rapp, a CIA assassin with 117 kills under his belt. When he gets a late night call from Scott, saying Derek has been taken, he's on the road back to Beacon Hills in less than ten minutes. He's going to get Derek back, even if that means adding a few more kills to his ledger.

Hear The Wheels As They Roll by crossroadswrite

(2/2 I 44,919 I Teen I Sterek)

“You can’t be here. This is private property,” someone calls out and for some reason that voice sounds painfully familiar.

When it hits him why, Stiles almost chokes with the realization, “Derek Hale,” he says, unbelievably happy because he remembers Derek when they were young.

Derek looks grumpier, sadder, angrier. Stiles can’t really fault him for that. He also looks surprised that Stiles knows who he is. He squint/glares suspiciously at him, his nostrils flare for a second before he widens his eyes almost dramatically.

“Stiles,” he says quietly, like he can’t really believe it.

Stiles beams, “Yeah, you remember me!”

AND

@lovesouthernsweettea suggested this series!

The Sum of It's Parts by KouriArashi

AND

@merchymynydd suggested this one!

So Take a Long Shot by relenafanel

(1/1 I 2,650 I Teen i Sterek)

Stiles is ten when his father teaches him how to shoot. He sucks with a handgun, more likely to shoot off his own foot than the target.

The same cannot be said for his skill with a long-range rifle (but he's no one's weapon).

Eventually, Stiles knows, the secret will come out, because there are just some people he will save at all costs.

(That day comes when they're hunting a redcap through the forest and can't reach Derek in time)

[lloydskywalkers]

I recently reread Skywalker syndrome (still as amazing as it was on day one like... holy shit your writing is so goddamn good-)and during the part where Lloyd argues with Wu I realized something and now I wanna ask

Do you think that some point during his recovery from Morro, Lloyd had this moment of snapping where he screamed at his uncle about keeping secrets like that and literally mentioning that this one nearly killed him?

asdsgfd thank you so much!! :D the Lloyd and Wu argument was possibly my favorite part to write, which is going to be incredibly ironic considering my answer to this.

Short answer: while I think Lloyd would feel very much hurt, I don’t think he would snap at Wu? At this particular point. Give him three more seasons of developing traumatic anger issues then he’d go off. 

Long (long, long, long) answer!

I think Wu is one of the people Lloyd would have the hardest time losing his temper with, especially considering the timing. Post-Sons of Garmadon Lloyd and Post-Possession Lloyd are in considerably different positions in life, but also weirdly similar ones, if you take into account that Possession Lloyd is coming off of Tournament of Elements (season 4), because from Lloyd’s view of things-

1) He's already been on his own prior to this, having lost Zane,

2) Kai, one of the most important people in his life and someone he looks up to, told him he never deserved to be the Green Ninja and is apparently angry enough to hurt him for that, and

3) He just lost his father, who he’s barely had at all, and it’s entirely on his own hands.

On top of that, you've got the whole letter fiasco, so Lloyd’s now left with the possibility that he himself might be a mistake. Obviously I think there’s a lot more that goes into Garm and Misako’s relationship than one letter, but Lloyd’s not exactly the most perceptive person in the world around season 4 :( 

All this to say that Lloyd is probably in a very terrible no self-confidence place of mind, which I have a billion zillion thoughts on because Lloyd’s literally never had a win he gets to keep — he defeats the Overlord but not really, and Zane has to pay the price to make up for that. He saves his father but not really because now he has to banish him. He keeps messing up and doing something wrong, but all he's done is follow what he's been told so he doesn't know what that is. The only thing he has is that the Green Ninja was supposed to win. Lloyd lost. 

Then you have Wu and Lloyd's relationship, which I think Lloyd values highly because for the most part, Wu is the most present family member in Lloyd's life. And for all that Garmadon and Misako love and care for him, Wu was the first person to give Lloyd a home. The first person to give him a place to belong, the first person to give him a chance, and the first person to truly believe in him. 

And as far as Lloyd can see, all he's done is failed to live up to that belief. So I think he’d be likely to see it less as Wu failing him, and more him failing Wu — maybe there was a reason Wu kept Morro from him, and maybe he won’t like the answer. 

I do think he’d be a lot more likely to snap about his dad’s monastery being turned into a tea shop, but I don’t think he’d reach boiling point quite yet. The other ninja might, though. Cole over here stuck as a ghost...

(Crystalized Lloyd, on the other hand! oh boy) 

Anyways there's cia’s tuesday night rant about Lloyd stay tuned for more nonsensical rambling :’D  

[bleedingcoffee42]

Part 4- Replacements

Wishlist for things that should have made the show.

Speirs did a radio interview in England as he was recovering from shrapnel wounds from Carentan and it was broadcasted during Victory Parade of Spotlight bands. His parents, sister were hosted by Coca Cola and Toll House back home to listen to it. I'd love to hear this. He comes back from the hospital and is assigned to S-2 and then ends up swimming across the river in Holland by himself a few times and gets shot in the ass. Please, let this man fulfill the prophecy of being a Easy Company man, by showing him washed up on shore wounded in "The best place to get shot."

In Carentan, Clancy Lyall runs straight into a German's bayonet and got stuck on it as bayonets tend to do when skewering. Lyall shoots first and the German fell backwards pulling the bayonet out. After getting morphined by himself and at least three other people, he's sent back to England and in the hospital and hears "loud Scottish brogue" and it ends up being his frickin Dad! Merchant marine that got torpedoed and was being treated for hypothermia. Gave him a Luger Luz gave him, Dad was thrilled.

Okay, I admit I just want more Spiers, but come on. In Eindhoven his guys were laughing at him because a hot lady kissed him so hard and long he turned red with embarrassment. We need this.

This when Buck and Nix have their "I hate Jocks!" Conversation. And Buck has do PT in O.D.s because Nix is a petty bitch. Please.

Lieutenant Brewer. He's the guy who walked out and got shot by a sniper. Well, he survives but everyone was like "Oh this dude is a goner" and said it out loud. Give us that. Give us Buck Taylor who sees Brewer face down in the grass and says "Let's get moving, Brewer's finished." and Brewer hears him. And Al Mampre is even worse, he takes one look at the guy who is pale as hell and is like "Lieutenant, are you still alive? Because if you're not, I'm leaving." He ends up being one of Buck's friends who he's been told is dead TWICE only to walk in and see the guy just chillin. Got hit between the eyes in Carentan, they said he was dead and Buck sees him in Aldbourne. Then in Holland he's told he's dead and sees him reading a book in the hospital in Oxford! Flesh this guy out. He's been 'killed' twice and ends up going to work for the CIA, dude could be more.

Clancy Lyall ended up in a Heineken beer factory. He also watches the Brits get out of the tanks and have tea. Every damned day. Winters gets pissed about it. Let us see him pissed.

Shifty debating if he wants to take out Germans who are escorting American prisoners.

Guth has a parachute malfunction , hits hard and ends up paralyzed. Medics take him to a barn and he wakes up to see his hometown doctor! Goes to the hospital but they don't operate and eventually he rejoins Easy even though he could have been discharged but wants to be back with the guys.

Nix and Dick climbing the church tower in Uden. Dick runs down grabs a squad and intercepts a German squad, runs them off, then he goes back to the tower. He and Nix just casually watch the Luftwaffe and tanks hammer Vachel. He comments that he can't believe nobody is trying to take them out. Cue smirks, smiles....the Germans finally sending a shot at them and hitting the bell above their damned heads. They fly down the tower then laugh about it. GOD do I want this scene.

Dick looking for a new CP and coming across a tank and no guards on duty. Pissed he goes inside and sees a British guy eating eggs with a local girl and the guy asks if his tank is still outside? Dick is PISSED, go off buddy. Then he goes to the tavern across the street and Welsh is ON the bar. Dick is chill though, "We had different priorities" but the check point was set up.

[youbutstupid]

Welcome to part 2 of my dad’s Criminal Minds confessions (remember these are his opinions, not mine): he agrees with the idea that if Hotch were there in season 12, then Reid would not have been in prison for as long as he was, NOT because he doesn’t think that Prentiss did the best she could, but because he thinks that Hotch’s connections as an ex defence attorney and his connections with the heads of the NSA and CIA would have been useful.

[babyjaans]

Umbrella academy S4

Spoilers‼️

Diego hargreevs has been my favourite character for the past 5 years so I HAVE to get this off my chest.

Ways that season 4 fucked up diego:

1. THE WHOLE LILA FIVE STORYLINE (that’s also a much muchh longer rant for another time)

2. Diego has always had such a strong (if not slightly weird) moral compass, backed by his need to be the hero. Season 1 diego was working with the police, season 2 diego spent the entire season trying to protect the president. Season 3 diego put everything into being a good dad to a kid randomly dropped in his lap. We saw NONE of that in season 4. Instead we he was the butt of every joke and seemed to suck at everything he tried to do.

2. The fat jokes,, it just didn’t make sense, it was sweet that he put on happy relationship weight, but the digs (including from his wife!!) did not sit well with me. ESPECIALLY when he looked the same and was ripped af in that CIA shirtless fight scene.

3. The lack of diego and klaus scenes.. they have been my favourite brother duo since the start,, I can’t believe we didn’t get even a single moment :(

4. We barely got to see Dad!Diego!!! After the way he was with stan, after what reggie said to him at the wedding,,,, I thought season 4 would show more of their home and him being a dad,,, we don’t even know the names of the TWINS

5. Diego not speaking spanish with his kids!!! We saw it season 3 how he wanted stan to know spanish,,, we should have gotten something here (Bonus points for the punjabi tho, as a punjabi myself that made me so happy)

6 Lila wearing the five bracelet//not liking bracelets,,, was a big token of their love NOT the bracelet diego made in the asylum???

7. Absolutely no resolution for the five lila story line. He never forgave five (five didn’t even seem sorry). I died (or stopped existing) hating one of his brothers, that makes me so sad (even though it was justified on his part)

8. His story having nothing to do with the main plotline!! And this is an issue I have with all the characters (klaus, the five lila thing, the whole luther and diego cia plot line) not only that, but his (and also klaus’) powers not being fully explored and used (this is something that bothers me every season).

There’s more but I’m too exhausted and disappointed. Feel free to add your own points.

[thevillainswhore]

A Second Chance: Part 2

Pairing: Ex-Husband!Nick Fowler x Ex-Wife!Reader

Summary: Love just wasn’t enough to keep your marriage together - Nick’s restless ambition to get the promotion in his career ended up driving an everlasting wedge between the two of you, and resulting in divorce. But when you come back home to New York after three years away in London, can Nick win back your heart?

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: more flashbacks, more angst in this one too I’m so sorry 😭

A/N: headers made by @saradika , unbeta’d so pls let me know any mistakes I might have missed! hope you enjoy x

Although Nick was used to this lifestyle, it never got any easier to be a part of. He may have traded being the director of the CIA to become a businessman, but he was still interconnected enough with the agent community to have to announce his presence.

He gives himself a reminder to ask Elsie to fetch him a stiff drink of whiskey as soon as they’re inside to get him through this torture, already picturing her smirk of amusement at his unease.

Speaking of, he sees her keep an eye on him from the sidelines, catching his gaze and giving him a cheeky thumbs up in response to his grumpy face.

For a sweet fifty year old woman, she sure was an asshole.

Almost pulled off his feet, his walking nightmare forces his arm to loop with hers, all but dragging him down the carpet to take pictures.

If he didn’t have an image to uphold, he’d already be ripping her a new one. It wasn’t that he desperately needed her, but the advice given to him by his publicist to have a date wasn’t exactly one he could reject.

Rebuilding Nick’s name the last three years hadn’t been easy. At first he really couldn’t have given two shits about what people thought of him - the aftermath of losing you taking over his mind and his behaviour wasn’t pretty. He was pictured out drinking most of the days, heavy bags under his eyes when the paparazzi caught a glimpse of him. It was a miracle the CIA allowed him to keep his job for them six months of hell.

That’s when Elsie stepped in. An old family assistant hired by his father to help get Nick’s life back on track - a beacon of light in redirecting the path he was taking. If it wasn’t for her, he really didn’t know where he’d be right now - certainly not with his own company, he knew that for sure.

Not that his father really cared, Nick already knew how his dad viewed him - weak, a failure, in definite need of some help. Even worse when Nick witnessed how he reacted to his regret of the upcoming divorce.

“Son, you’ve got the promotion, you’ve got the life I always dreamed of for you. Now quit your fucking sulking over some pussy you could get anywhere else and man up.”

His father just wanted Nick to make the family name shine.

It shouldn’t have been at the cost of you, though. Never at the expense of having to lose you. He realises that now.

Elsie, however, genuinely cared. She wanted him to succeed because it was good for him. No ulterior motive. Just as someone who’s seen the harsh reality of his life from afar. Her first matter of business for him - leave the CIA and start fresh.

Pictures are taken as he walks down the carpet, a few words are given in answer to interview questions - the usual. He speaks about his growing business, plans for the future. He chooses to ignore those scavenging to get the tiniest ounce of information about you out of him and move on.

The doors to the entrance of the convention were in sight and Nick couldn’t be happier to see the end of the blinding lights and the whiny brat attached to his arm.

His haven was just within reach, just a couple more steps until he could start climbing the stairs to a lesser evil.

Until sudden screams from paparazzi and interviewers hold him to his spot.

Nick looks to Elsie to see if the commotion is worth holding back for, only to see her eyes widen and her mouth fall open in what can only be described as shock and dumbstruck.

He’s only seen that look on her face two times - first being the one time he broke down in front of her and trashed the entirety of his home in his depression of missing you. The second when he finally got the courage to show her the only photo he had left of you and him after he ruined the others in his rampage. The most special day of his life where you gazed into his eyes, wearing the most stunning white dress, like he hung the moon and stars for you.

If it were possible, he swears he would.

Nick braces himself to slowly turn around, unsure of what he’s going to find, only to see the very woman who still held his heart in all her radiance at the other end of the carpet.

It’s like he’s seeing you for the first time all over again. Across the room from each other, him in pure wonderment of you as you’re glowing in your element, totally unaware of his presence, with all eyes on you.

Signs were always a load of bullshit to Nick - a superstition that gave people hope in their time of need. He never believed in them. But if the black dress you’re wearing, too similar to the one you wore eleven years ago, isn’t one? Then Nick isn’t sure what is.

And as if his prayers have been answered, you look straight ahead through the chaos to see him for the first time since you left three years ago - the image of you serving him divorce papers still fresh in his mind.

Attempts to fix the relationship between you were never ending on your side. Suggestions of couples therapy had gone ignored. Getaways to escape reality planned to then be pushed back by him to a later date - always too busy and never able to let work be at the back of his mind for a single day. All options had been accounted for. You put every ounce of your love into figuring out how to pull back the pieces of your marriage that had fizzled out. But you were exhausted and the fight in you had left a long time ago.

So, you had made the decision you never wanted to consider without good enough reason, with a heavy heart that you refused to keep putting in the line of fire.

The divorce papers you gently placed on his desk had shook Nick to his core, regret seeping into your skin as you caught the genuine horror in his features, mouth gaped open with a loss for words.

It was almost too late for Nick to reel himself back to the present by the time you were walking towards him. Half way down the carpet, ignoring everyone else calling your name and full focus on him. The luckiest man in the world to have a crumb of your attention.

Heels lining up to his dress shoes, you stand millimeters apart from each other, time stopping as he soaks in your appearance as though it’s keeping him alive. He still wasn’t sure if he was dreaming. If he was, he never wanted to wake up.

“Hey, you.” Your satin voice is music to his ears. Deprived of your ambience for too long and it all of a sudden felt like he could breathe again. He’s missed everything about you - the desire to reach out and touch you overwhelming his senses.

“Hi” it feels so underwhelming to say with a decade of history behind the two of you. But by the sparkle in your eyes and tiny upturn of your lips that only he could notice, Nick knows you understand the severity that one greeting holds. A lifetime feeling like it’s passed since he last laid his eyes on you and God, were you beautiful as ever.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”. You speak as though you're both old friends catching up. Everyone around you knows that couldn’t be further from the truth, the both of you know that couldn’t be further from the truth. But that didn’t matter when the dreams that have haunted his nights are coming to life in front of him, his fantasies of getting to see you again happening in real time. Nick can only dumbly nod as he imagines how stupid he must look to you.

Though, he should know you better than that. He should know that you only ever saw the best in him - that no matter how silly in love he looked, you adored him.

“How have you been?” curiosity weaves through your question as you tighten your lips, that cheeky smile you’re trying to hide slipping through anyway.

Without you? Terrible.

Is what he wishes he could say. But he would never let you feel guilty for that, so instead he answers, “I’ve been alright, life’s been a little busy. Hardly any free time but you know how it goes in this business.”

You laugh, “yeah, I guess being the director of the CIA does have its downsides”. As soon as the words leave your mouth you realise the implication of them, your face falling and your eyes so damn apologetic trying to portray that you didn’t mean how they came out.

Luckily, Nick knows there’s no malice in what you said. There’s not one mean bone in your body and he wants to ease your worries. “Ah it does. But I’m not the director anymore. I um-, I actually stepped down to pursue something else”.

“You-… you stepped down?”

The surprise in your voice is refreshing for him. It would’ve pained him two years ago for you to have the expectation that he wouldn’t do it, but he’s grown since then - understands how he behaved in the last year of your marriage and the scars it left you. He simply confirms “I did, sweetheart”.

You fluster at the pet name. He must still have some of that charm that won you over in the first place. The thought makes him feel young again - that bright eyed, ambitious agent who was head over heels in love with you. Some things never change.

“So um-, w-what are you doing now?”

“I’ve created my own private investigation company from the ground up. Thought I could at least use my skills for something useful. We’re currently in the number one spot with local competition with plans to expand business into Europe within the year.”, pride shines through Nick.

You take a minute to recompose, both from the shock of seeing him tonight and the information dump you received within minutes of each other. Taking the bait to look into his eyes, those azure blue eyes that are desperately calling out to you, you softly murmur with conviction, “I’m proud of you Nicki, truly.”

‘Nicki’. A name, laced with so much love, he hasn’t heard in a long time.

The guilt rushes in as he tries to remember the exact moment he last heard you say it in that teasing drawl of yours and comes up short. He’d neglected you for a great while towards the end of your marriage, ache in his heart ever present whenever his mind transports him back to your defeated face when he begged you not to leave.

His promotion had changed him - the greed of his ambition to be at the top interfering with your marriage. The constant missions he was offered became priority - king size bed feeling bigger than ever before when only one of the two occupants slept in it for the past year. Walks around the garden surrounding the home you and Nick had renovated together as lonely as could be when you reminisced on the picnics he would plan in the summertime - an excuse to make love to you in the tall grass towards the lake.

You couldn’t even remember the last time Nick had touched you - all the more painful when you found out he had been recently partnered up in Paris with Mace. An ex fling who held no boundaries in letting Nick know how much she missed him.

You couldn’t do it anymore.

“Don’t do this to me baby, please, don’t do this to me. We can work on it, on us, you know we can. Look at me angel.. look at me.” He grabbed your face and tilted to look into his bloodshot eyes.

“Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? Because I will. I’ll get on my fucking knees for you right now and beg if that’s what it takes for you to stay. I can’t do this without you, none of this means shit to me if you leave. I’ll quit, I’ll tell them the job can get fucked and we can go back to how we were. I’ll change, I’ll do anything, baby, I’m begging you. Just please don’t go. I need you.”

The sorrow on Nick’s face had crushed your soul. You didn’t want this. You never thought in a million years that this was where you and he would end up.

But you couldn’t trust his pleas, the sweet promises too late to mend what had been broken.

“I’m sorry Nick, but I just don’t believe you anymore… I need this, I need you to sign the papers. This is me asking for one last thing from you. Please.. let me go.”

Your gentle, affectionate smile reserved only for him brings him back and reassures his mind that you would never hold it against him. You know exactly what he’s thinking and your eyes tell him so much more than words ever could.

Stop blaming yourself.

Too kind for this world, and definitely too kind for him - your only weakness.

Your tender moment is broken with a stomp of a foot and an ear screeching whine, the easily forgettable presence beside you only becoming noticeable with her cry for attention.

“Nicki-“

“Don't you ever call me that.”

The silence that follows is deafening. Mixtures of shock from both you and the girl, leaving your mouths falling open: her reasoning probably from having someone put her in her place and yours from the protectiveness he places on a name given to him by you.

If Nick notices the rubbing of your thighs underneath your dress, he doesn’t say anything.

After a couple of seconds have passed, his date crosses her arms and looks over to you with venom lining her features as she spits to Nick, “care to introduce me?”

Totally disregarding announcing who the hell she is (unsure himself), he instead focuses on the only person worth talking about. “Um, this is…” he trails off not knowing how to even begin explaining how you know each other, the title of ‘ex wife’ doing no justice to how much you mean to him.

You notice his struggle and decide to help him out, “oh me and Nicki go way back, don’t we, honey?”.

Oh, that tone takes him back for sure.

Nick lets out the biggest smirk, “Yeah, I guess you could say that, îngerul meu.”

There’s a small pause between you as you take in how easily you fall back into the other's charms.

“You look good Nick, really good.”

“Look who’s talking sweets, you always did know how to get me going in a black dress.”

Electric. The passion between you holds no bounds, even after all the time apart. The teasing back and forth. Intense eye contact. A crowd of people around you that you pay no attention to - way too invested in each other to care about anything else.

The abrupt clearing of a throat reminds you that the brat is still here, forgetting about her once again. A lipstick stain on her teeth gets your attention and you visibly cringe. That pink was not doing her any favours.

You look back at your ex-husband, “well, it’s been a pleasure seeing you, Nick. I really hope to bump into you again soon.”

“Is that a promise?”

Your eyes light up, the shared memory holding a special place in both your hearts. You shake your head, amusement in your smile and a thumping heart. He can see the battle going on in your mind - the debate between your head and your heart on whether to run into his arms or force yourself to hold back. You choose the latter, moving to make your way up the stairs with a departing wave, “Bye Nick.”

Panic settles in his chest as the idea of you walking away from him once more makes his head spin.

His heart still breaks when he remembers how tender you were to him, even after all the pain he put you through. Bags only filled with items of sentimental value standing next to you in the hallway.

“I’m not mad at you baby. You gave me the best of you for seven years and that’s more than I could’ve dreamt of…” you took a couple of uneven breaths in composure, needing it to hit home for him exactly why you were doing this, “but somewhere in the last year you got lost, and I can’t damage myself any further trying to bring you back.”

You saw the recognition in his face where he stood, the mental beating he gave himself for not rectifying the marriage sooner. But there was no love lost between you and your overly kind heart had you tell him so.

“I love you, I love you so much and I’m scared of the lengths I would go for you Nick. That’s why I have to go. Because I keep putting you before myself and it’s killing me. It’s not fair to me anymore. I’ve got to start focusing on myself now, do you understand that?”

He did. He understood. The nod he gave as confirmation the only way he could communicate without making this any harder for you.

It was all he could do but watch, a passenger in his own body, as you slowly slid your engagement and wedding ring off your trembling finger and reached for his hand to bring it palm up between them. The sob he let out recognition that he knew what was coming, that this was the end for the both of you.

With reluctance, you dropped both pieces of jewelry into his palm, gently closing your hand over his to squeeze three times before letting go. A final ‘I love you’. He let himself get lost in your eyes one last time, relishing each and every memory you’ve had over the years as he shot you a shaky smile - it’s okay, I know you have to do this.

Tears cascaded down your cheeks, as you stepped forward to place your hands on his cheeks, smoothing your thumbs over his overgrown beard before giving your husband one last slow peck on his chapped lips.

Both of you pull away and touch your foreheads together, savouring the last moments with each other before you separate for good to set out on your own journeys in life - the only time you will have been apart from each other in almost a decade.

Stepping away with your head down, eyes still closed, you turned away from him. The deep breath you took gave you the strength to grab your bags, zone your vision on the door and take the first step to start this new phase on your own. A taxi waiting outside to take you to London for your job transfer at Shield’s new headquarters.

You heard the aftermath of the door closing behind you. The thud audible from outside was enough to imagine the way your husband had crumbled to the floor, legs giving out to fall to his knees in despair.

His cries and whimpers haunted you now and for the rest of your days without him to come.

Nick gets out of his head when you stop on the second step and before going any further, you turn around to face the girl again, honing in on her mouth.

He knows that look - you’re going for the kill.

“Oh! sweetie, before I go, you might wanna wipe the lipstick from your teeth. Can't have you going in like that and ruin poor Nicki’s reputation now can we?”

The embarrassment that colours her cheeks is priceless. Too stunned to do anything else but whip her compact out to viciously scrub the tacky hot pink staining her teeth, missing your smile of victory in rattling her.

Turning to Nick, you throw him a wink and climb the remaining steps to enter the event, sway of your hips hypnotizing him as you fade away.

Always looking after him and always teasing him. He doesn’t remember the last time he smiled like this.

He doesn’t remember the last time his cock was so hard either.

He shakes his head in astonishment. His little firecracker, no different than you were before. He couldn’t believe you were back.

Holy shit… you were back.

[hederasgarden]

not a request at all, i just think it would be fun to discuss Six shacking up with Claire’s nurse

I think it would fun because they would keep it professional (for the most part) at day when Claire’s around with maybe a few slips with him making small touches and then let their real relationship shine through at night

Not sure which would be funnier

1) Claire thinks he just has a crush on you (I think she would voice this rather loudly as a way to fuck with him) or 2) if she doesn’t know and sees them kiss or something and immediately wants answers

I am always down to talk about Six. He remains one of my favorite characters of all time.

In my Safe With Me story Six and Claire's nurse are on the way to ending up together.

I feel like both options are really fun to explore, especially considering how Claire might react. In the first scenario she’d probably enjoy teasing Six mercilessly. I can see her talking to her nurse about this single dad at her school who's super rich and handsome in order to provoke Six.

"He totally asked about you the other day," Claire says, casually munching on a crouton. "I told him you were single." "Oh," you say, clearly unsure exactly how to respond. Your eyes dart to Six who seems to find his soup suddenly fascinating. Claire nearly rolls her eyes, how oblivious did they think she was? “What do you think about that, Six?” Claire presses. “From a safety perspective, maybe you should look into this guy.” Six sighs, sounding so put upon that Claire's smile grows bigger. He looks up at her, spoon halfway to his mouth. Then his gaze narrows and he tilts his head to the side. "How long have you known?" He asks. Whoops, she was busted. "A few days," Claire admits. Six responds with a hmm and then looks at you with a surprisingly sweet expression that makes Claire want to gag. Adults were so gross.

In scenario two when she finds them kissing it would be full-on interrogation that would bring the CIA to shame. She’d demand to know every detail: How did it happen? How long has it been going on? I also love the idea of her privately threatening each of them not to mess things up with the other.

Ask me anything! Come talk to me!

[concernedbrownbread]

Hi I read your This Unbearable Tragedy and I’m having a blast! And yes please I would like to hear your thoughts on your fic

OMG thanks for asking!! Sorry for the late reply. I had so much to say that I wrote wayyy too much and then had to cut it down, lol.

(Also for those reading the fic rn, Chapter 3 is delayed to next weekend.)

So, the main things that I immediately thought of when I started planning a fix-it was "there's not enough Ben in s4" and "why would they set Allison and Reginald up to parallel each other and not follow through?" and also "that is NOT where I saw these characters going". In essence, I thought that s3 was setting up a certain narrative with all of this and then was like ???? when they went (haha) off the rails. So I'll talk about those three points below. SPOILERS for the fic and s4. It's a long post!

Before I start: one of the major points of this fic (and s4 ig) is that timelines are spilling into each other. That doesn't just mean artifacts. It means people. The Keepers get memories of other timelines. Why shouldn't Ben and Reginald?

Character Arcs

Yeah ... I think the general consensus was that the characters weren't themselves in s4. I actually had no problems with the set-up in ep 1-2, but then ... Five and Lila happened. And the narrative seemed to hate Diego, reduce Luther to a himbo and not much else, and for some reason try very hard to make Reginald a dad to Viktor. Klaus, Allison and Claire had a kind of nice sideplot but I didn't love it. It tortured Klaus for no real reason and made Allison his saviour? And for what?

Anyway, for my fic, I start off the characters the same with some subtle differences.

We don't see Diego at his job. His job is to be a dad. That's his whole thing, that's the best part of him. He's a brother and he's a father, and the narrative will reward him for that

Lila starts by screaming. Can you tell she's NOT okay? She deserves a break and a breakdown, and she'll get both I swear. She is NOT a house wife because she simply wouldn't be. She loves working. I did almost make Diego a househusband though

Side note on Lila's parents: they don't exist because why on earth would Allison think of that and not think of bringing Sissy back? It's clear her fantasy timeline is selfish.

Luther is a stripper still but again, his job is a side note. His first scenes is with Klaus (which, again, was a relationship set up in s3 and never explored??). He's trying damn hard to keep his family together and I want people to appreciate that!!

Allison's first scene is still the studio, but I wanted to expand it to include Klaus. Her story is still of love.

Also Klaus has his own place because he has goddamn agency in this narrative. He and Luther deserve to have a home of their own, and they'd make hilarious roomates imo.

Ray of course, exists

Five is interesting to me because while it makes sense for him to be in the CIA, I can't see him staying with the CIA. This will be explored in ch5. I have a really cool piece written for him.

Viktor my beloved <3 I have no notes, I just want to say I love him. I will of course not let him near Reginald unless to beat Reginald up.

Anyway, I'm going to write a whole separate post for the characters. You opened the Pandora's box anon!

Ben (and Klaus)

I gotta say ... I tried, I really tried, to like Jennifer. She's just such a non-character. We know very little about her, her trauma barely gets explored, the Squid is stupid because all it does is exist and then Ben is like "hehe I have tentacles too! Means we're connected" WHAT?

I was excited for Jennifer. Curious about the Jennifer Incident. Very vindicated when I learned Reginald killed them because lets face it, that's super in-character. But I just ... couldn't get behind Jennifer. So I scrapped her.

Look, if there was anyone that Ben was going to be soulmates with, it was Klaus (platonically).

I mean, isn't that what we learned over two seasons? That Ben and Klaus are inseparable?

(I also don't get the whole Durango thing. TUA has never been all that science-y but at least they tried, but this season they didn't care at all. They really just threw in matter/dark-matter and pretended it was something.)

Anyway, I also don't understand why the fact that Ben was DEAD in another timeline is never bought up properly. In fact, Ben is barely bought up by the siblings? After they discuss his death, they all go off on their own. Viktor's the only one who seems to care (which is fine, I love Viktor and seeing him try to reach out to Ben was nice). Five and Diego are fighting each other during their fight against Ben??? Doesn't make sense - Five saves Ben in s3, Diego hugs Ben so tightly in s2, WHERE. IS. THE. PAYOFF.

(I think that is really what I hated about s4. There is no payoff to all that was built in s1-3. They bring in whole new narrative points without concluding the old ones, and then everyone dies. The end. UGH.)

Anyway, MY BEN needs his Klaus. His memories are a little janky, because timelines, but there has always been one constant. There has always been Klaus. I think even in childhood, they were close (and I'll try to explore that more in the memories). More than that though, Ben needs his FAMILY.

And he might deny that they are his family, but they are. And they will do so much to help him. Including, but not limited to, BEATING REGINALDS ASS (/j)

Allison and Reginald's choice

Okay, the final scene in s3 where we see Allison & Ray and Reginald & Abigail made me think that s4 was going to take this further. Allison and Reginald both made a selfish choice - not in resetting the timeline, but in directly going against the wishes of the loved ones they magicked into the timeline. Ray in s3 is very clear that though he loves her, and will always love her, his place is in Dallas 1963, where he has people he cares about. A life he cares about. Abigail is a bit more subtle, but I remember thinking that it was clear that she wanted to die/was content with dying. I was a pretty casual fan then so I don't know if this was true, but that was the vibes I got from s1, and I was pretty happy that s3 confirmed it just ... not in the way I wanted? I don't mind she destroyed the world because she wanted to die - it's clear Abigail and Reginald think themselves above human lives. I just wish they explored it more.

And again, this parallel was something I got from just the ending of s3. It wasn't a deepdive or anything. I feel like it was such an obvious choice for s4 to go "What happens if you can't let go of the person you love?" And then ... they don't even mention Ray properly. Damn.

I just don't understand why they didn't do it? They set it up so perfectly. UGHHHH.

The main reason Ray exists in my fic is because Allison has to reckon with the fact that she really did pull Ray out of his time, out of his life. And I want her to realise how awful a choice that was. At the same time, I want Reginald to face the exact same thing and choose to do the opposite - hold onto Abigail tighter. Chapter 3 is going to explore a bit more of Allison and Ray, while further down the line we'll see more and more of Abigail.

(ALSO OMG!!! Abigail and Five parallel each other in wayyy more interesting ways than Reginald and Five. I cannot WAIT to write that. But this is more a headcanon hehehehe.)

Other Notes

I think s1-3 set up a lot of things that I assumed was going to be explored and wasn't. I'm going to try and touch upon all of them

the Jennifer Incident felt lacking. s1-2 really were so good because there was a slight mystery to it all, and when there wasn't, there was a ton of dramatic irony - ofc we knew Viktor was the bomb, but it was interesting to see the family figure out that mystery. In the same way, ofc we know Ben is the bomb, but I really though s4 would allow the family to actively search for why and how to stop him. I'm more of a angst & fluff writer but I shall try to write some semblance of mystery here.

Marigold. I will explore. I have Thoughts. chapter 3 will answer more on why it was found by Ben in particular.

Relationships that were set up in s1 will be revisited because as the "last season" I expected it to be. Ofc, Klaus and Ben is the big one, but also Klaus-Diego, Viktor-Allison, Allison-Luther, Five-Viktor, etc. Some new ones will be there, especially with Ben who had little interactions (on account of him being a ghost) and with Lila.

Five continues to be old man on this side of crazy. Sometimes he has good advice. Other times his ideas are unhinged. Early chapters he's mellow because life is normal now but when things go to shit ... oh boy let's NOT forget how paranoid this guy is.

Lila is also a little crazy. Good for her.

Commission!Five is explained more than just a throwaway line in the Five Deli. Five Deli and the Subway is explored more too ofc.

DOLORES MENTIONED BECAUSE SHE IS GODDAMN IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTANDING FIVE. Not even as a "love story" (Five's love story is his familial one), just as a part of his psyche. She is mentioned in EVERY season. She deserves to be mentioned here.

Pogo. I will not say more.

Reginald. Is Reginald.

Anyway, I have a lot more to say but I'll stop here. Sorry this is so long! Thanks for the ask <3

[burberrycanary]

For the fic commentary game...I want to ask about so many lines, but ok. I've narrowed it down to three from Lost Vocabularies..., so you can pick—I'd be so interested to get your author's commentary on any (or all) of them! 💛

He will never forget nine months of stock prices from 1950.

(this is the one I'm probably least likely to get an answer to, which is fine, but I'm so very curious about what Steve did during those months in the past, and a girl's gotta try! 😜)

2. But he sure as hell doesn’t want them back, not so long as Bucky is willing to carry them, whatever they mean to him now—though Steve doesn’t like to think how Bucky must have found them and when.

(Basically, I just like to make myself sad about Bucky Barnes, so hey: talk to me about the dog tags!)

3.

“Why were you always signed up for something? You already took more vocational classes than about anybody.”

[…]

“Trying to impress my dad,” Bucky admits on a slow breath out. “But not in the way he wanted. ‘One of the laborin’ Barnes with a proper education,’ he liked to say. ‘Bastards won’t know what hit ‘em.’ He wanted me to live out that better American life he was chasing. Be respectable.” Bucky gives a faint dry laugh. “Sorry Pops.”

(I know this is more than one sentence...but I'm just endlessly fascinated by Bucky's (and Steve's) pre-war life and especially Bucky's relationship with his parents and how he feels about them now, after everything. So, if you'd be willing to elaborate on that snippet up there (I'm particularly intrigued by But not in the way he wanted), I'd be ecstatic!

(📦&🧼&◼&⬜-🔪)

2. But he sure as hell doesn’t want them back, not so long as Bucky is willing to carry them, whatever they mean to him now—though Steve doesn’t like to think how Bucky must have found them and when.

Crying into our beers over Bucky Barnes should be the name of our band. 😭🍻😭

The dog tags were such a distinctive element in TFATWS that I knew I wanted to use them in this post-Endgame fix-it series that ended up sprawling out to a bigger scope than I originally intended. But the first question from canon to consider is: whose dog tags are they, anyway?

In the surgery flashback from CATWS, we see that Bucky is no longer wearing his dog tags, which means they were taken away by Hydra. And this makes sense since Hydra was starting the process of completely stripping away Bucky’s identity. What Hydra does with Bucky’s dog tags depends on what kind of organization Hydra is, culturally and administratively. While you could write any number of stories here, especially since Bucky, as a specific known recovered asset, isn’t what the Japanese scientists in Unit 731 called “maruta” (“wooden logs”) or what the CIA-run black sites in West Germany under Project Bluebird called “expendables,” you could argue that Zola might keep Bucky’s dog tags for any number of reasons: spite, gloating, pride, or a perverse attachment to his greatest success. But the most rational course of action would be to destroy anything that could identify Bucky as a well-known American soldier—because this era of American history shows you could get away with not just murder but crimes against humanity as long as you played by certain bureaucratic rules. And this is the organization that Peggy Carter built, canonically, and the era that Steve returns to in Endgame—"the dark and bloody heart of the twentieth century [that] beat and maimed all the unsteadiness out of Bucky’s hands long ago." 

I’d argue these aren’t the dog tags that we see Steve wearing when he wakes up in the fake recovery room, which would have been replaced as part of the attempted deception, but instead the ones that he was wearing when he went into the ice, which would’ve been returned once the jig was up: 

Hanging around Bucky’s neck on a bright beaded chain are tarnished dog tags with the raised text turned, here and there, the pale green of copper eaten away by time.

I’ll admit I did look up the composition of WWII dog tags and scanned through some research papers on the corrosion levels in metal equipment used in the Arctic before deciding that I could just take a little literary license here and have Steve’s old dog tags be thematically “tarnished,” which in the text is explicitly tied to the theme of things being transformed over time, but the word also carries the connotation of something that’s sullied. For the dog tags, both meanings hold. 

My backstory headcanon is that Sam, who was the executor of Steve’s will and his chosen next of kin, invited Bucky to go through Steve’s surprisingly few personal effects for anything he wanted to keep before Sam donated the rest to museums. All Bucky took was the last, unfinished, mostly empty, little notebook and Steve’s old dog tags, which he restrung on a new chain. That’s it. That’s what Bucky is left with as a stranger in this strange land of the present. 

In the first glimpse Steve gets near the end of Still Left with the River, he interprets Bucky wearing his old dog tags as indicating that Bucky never stopped caring about him, which is true—Bucky kept on caring a whole hell of a lot. This is Steve’s “it taught me to hope” moment in the text that helps push him toward being honest with Bucky about how he feels after several decades of alternating between pining and grieving, pining and grieving. How many times has the worst already happened between them?

There is always an end to the line where the same big black pit is waiting. And eventually Bucky won’t crawl back out.

But the dog tags are deliberately ambiguous as a symbol, since they equally represent the grief that we see Bucky struggle with in TFATWS. They are Bucky’s chosen gesture of mourning when Steve buries himself in the past. It’s telling that even after Steve returns, Bucky doesn’t take the dog tags off or offer to give them back to Steve again. Whatever they mean, they’re Bucky’s now. And Bucky on some level continues to mourn a faith between them—ineffable and up to that point mutually committed to despite the worst the world could do—that Steve broke when he decided to go back to the past and which returning doesn’t unbreak. Because that’s the problem: “Time only moves in one direction.”

(“There’s a creepy stone somewhere that says otherwise.”

“Exactly.”)

Significantly, over and over, these fraught identification tags are described as occupying the space between Steve and Bucky:

Tipping Steve’s chin up with his thumb, Bucky kisses the blazes out of him while the old dog tags swing a little on their glinting new chain in the space between them.

How Steve left is still very much between them throughout this whole series. 

The scene where the dog tags are revealed as Steve’s is significant:

...Steve’s old dog tags swinging in the space between their bodies; then the warm tender weight of Bucky’s forehead, pressed just off-center against his chest, overlapping with the light touch of metal and the pooling chain; [...] Bucky pressed close, and his face hidden.

The contrary actions of Bucky pressing close but still hiding is how Bucky has chosen to deal with the complicated emotional situation Steve has put him in—the combination of intimacy and distance that shades through most of this series. Bucky is trying to both protect himself and give Steve a good-faith chance to do better. Bucky’s strength and generosity win out in the end, because that’s who Bucky is at heart: the bigger person in a way that has nothing to do with being tall or strong or healthy. But part of the problem of any post-Endgame fix-it is that no one fight or confession or “being shoved in a closet together” shortcut could solve these emotional sticking points. 

Steve really did that. Whatever his reasons or motivations, which this series digs into a lot in the subtext, in the moment Steve meant it. And there’s no way to undo the choices that have been made, not without recourse to an ethically flawed concept that’s the opposite of living: because trying to undo past losses is exactly what Endgame gets wrong by attempting.

Fuck Endgame: the only way out is through. And by “through” I don’t mean Steve passively playing white-picket-fence house with Peggy through the ugly back half of the 20th century and then getting some sort of science-fiction second chance for a life with Bucky, once all that’s over. That’s doubling down on the flawed ethics of Endgame.

Life is a process of making choices, over and over. And living with the consequences. How you live with them is another ethical choice you get to make, over and over. That’s the constant and inescapable ethical action inherent in being alive.

This series is deliberately full of minor characters with losses just as profound as Steve’s: loved ones gone, former ways of life lost, all the small gathered-together pieces that we each painstakingly build into a life vanishing, whether bit by bit or calamitously all at once:

Her face lights up. “Thanks, I make them myself. I’m thinking of going to fashion school, maybe. Textile design. I’ve already died—fuck being scared, right?”

Between war, the Blip and the Return, she has lost every member of what was once a huge family. And life just keeps going on.

“Yeah,” Steve says. “Fuck being scared.”

Or:

“Been walking since Greenwood Cemetery. I can’t get to where any of my people are buried so you know what I’ve decided?”

Steve gives a hum, meaning what’s that?  

“I’ve decided to collectivize. Every grave on earth with the first name George is my boy’s. I’ve claimed every Elizabeth—in all forms—and Rachael, Robert and Joseph. Never cared for my husband’s people so I don’t bother with them. But I’ve got some favorites down in Greenwood picked out for my boy. ”

“I’m sorry for your losses,” Steve says, quiet, and thinking briefly of his own most recent dead. He doesn’t add, I know what it’s like to let grief triumph over reality. “So you visit.”

“Every day that I can. Lots of graveyards in this city. But Greenwood is nice. All the flowers and so forth.”

This is a story about grief.

Steve is trusted with great power to help set right wrongs the Avengers did during Endgame, setting all these other timelines on roads to destruction to save their own. And in the face of the temptation of that great fantastical power: the possibility of easy facile answers to unsolvably hard problems about change and loss so many people equally have to confront and hurt over and struggle with—all the time, right now, forever, constantly—Steve Rogers falters:

Preemptive—that idea is never going to seem right to him. But isn’t that what he’d tried to do when he’d stayed in the past? Get the preemptive good life by side-stepping the possibility of more loss? Because, for him at least, one way or another everything that mattered would have already happened.

And still the same old story at the bottom of whatever idealized notions got papered over top: trading other people’s lives for your own security.

He’ll never know whether, if his plan had worked, he would have stayed in the past for good.

And now he’s got to live with that.

If the dog tags in this story stand for anything, it’s living with the consequences.

You can make mistakes. We all do, individually and collectively. But there’s no undoing the past—not even in the MCU’s confused theory of the multiverse. All you can try is to do better: to make right what’s been put wrong as much as you can; or find things that are good and help them be better for more people.

There are deliberately four apologies offered in Lost Vocabularies: two from Bucky and two from Steve. But this is the climactic and closing apology that echoes the same language used to introduce the dog tags into the narrative: 

Pushing Bucky back, he touches the tarnished dog tags where the raised text has turned, here and there, the pale green of copper eaten away by time.

“I’m sorry,” Steve says, meaning a whole lot.

Bucky’s response, “We got here,” deliberately sidesteps the question of forgiveness and is designed to be read in two ways. The first reading challenges the relative significance of the past—we reached here however that happened—while the second rejects the past more completely: all we actually ever have is right now.

The thing is, Steve has been angry his whole life and he’s trying so hard to be a little more grateful for a change. 

He’s been doing better and he’ll keep on trying.

But there’s still just so much to be angry about everywhere he looks, from the past all the way through to this moment, burning up in front of him right now: this crawling-forward world that should be better, and isn’t, and won’t be unless people step forward to shoulder the hard slow work with no one to punch and no climactic battle you win or you lose.

This sort of work requires the splendid terrible patience of the tide eating away at a face of rock: mighty and irresistible, but wearisomely slow.

You gotta do the work. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

A Man Takes His Sadness Down to the River (The Consolation of Philosophy)

[sjsmith56]

Chance Encounter - Part 3 + Drabble

Summary: Bucky goes the extra mile in helping Katrina during her detox. Almost a year later they celebrate multiple events.

Length: 5.2 K

Warnings: Angst, Bucky feeling guilt, cold turkey detoxification (sped up for dramatic purposes), fluff at the end and in the Drabble.

Author’s notes: This story took such a different route than my original plan. It was supposed to be a meet cute story then the idea of making the OFC Bucky’s adult daughter, with her own daughter, just kind of appeared in my head and grew from there. Plus the idea of Bucky as sexy dad and granddad was definitely appealing. I hope it resonates.

<<Part 2

🩺 🎉

Bucky didn’t go to the cafeteria for supper, staying in his quarters instead, brooding. Ignoring the sound of someone knocking on his door until Friday advised him it was Sam, led to the latter entering with a cheeseburger, fries and a couple of bottles of beer. Placing the food down in front of Bucky he opened the one beer, handing it to him, then opened the other for himself.

“She didn’t take it well,” he stated, drawing a grimace from Bucky.

“She took it better than I thought but then I told her about the kill squad and that when she comes off the suppressant, she might be uncontrollable. That’s when she closed down.” Bucky took a drink of his beer and picked up the cheeseburger, nodding at Sam before he bit into it. “Thanks.”

“Well, at least she knows the truth.” Sam reached for a fry. “You know, even if she doesn’t speak to you again, you did the right thing. She’s free of that husband, free of HYDRA and she can live the life she wants.”

“Yeah, as long as she doesn’t turn into a killer,” replied Bucky sarcastically. “She’ll have to hide her abilities to stay anonymous. SHIELD will likely have to put her into witness protection so that the CIA don’t get any ideas of using her in black ops. Life will be great for her.”

“Whoa, that turned dark,” commented Sam, taking a swig of his beer. “Give her space. She already knew you killed her parents and still went with you when you showed up at her door. She’s just dealing with all of this new information all at once.”

A grunt was Bucky’s response. As unrealistic as the idea had been, Bucky had hoped for Katrina to be more receptive to the thought of him as her father. He had even briefly thought of buying a house for all three of them, of being there for her and Anna, and doing things together as a family. Now, he was blaming himself for even having that hope, knowing it was an unrealistic fantasy. A hand waved in front of him, and he jerked back.

“What?” He glared at Sam.

“You were somewhere else,” said his partner.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I was. Sorry. I kind of got my hopes up. You know, imagining how things could be.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” Sam stood up, finishing his beer. “You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. At least, Katrina and Anna are safe now, and the docs will figure out a way to deal with the issue.”

“It will work out,” replied Sam. “Try to get some sleep.”

With a wave, he left, and Bucky finished his meal. He picked up the bottles and put them in the recycle bin in his quarters, putting the takeaway box into the garbage. Stretching, he called out to Friday to turn out the lights but was interrupted by a knock on his door. Figuring Sam forgot something he opened it and was startled to see Katrina and Anna. As soon as she saw him, she began to cry and he opened his arms to her, holding her close, as he drew her inside.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “You’re alright.”

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “It was so much to take in and I thought I should try to figure it out by myself, but I haven’t been able to think for myself for my whole life. I’m so confused.”

“Come sit down,” he said, taking Anna from her. “Have you eaten?” She nodded. “What has you so confused?”

“Stupid things, like if you’re telling me the truth. I’ve been lied to my whole life, and I just don’t know if I can tell anymore what the truth is. I went to see Shuri and she said you’re the most honest man she knows.”

He smiled slightly. “She’s biased but she knows me very well. She’s the scientist who neutralized the trigger words that brought out the Winter Soldier and she designed my arm. What else did she tell you?”

“I couldn’t understand why you didn’t remember me, because I thought I was important to you. But in the supermarket, there was no recognition. Yet, you remembered other things that happened to you. She said HYDRA really did a lot of damage to your brain and that there were many things that you would likely never remember. Were the memories of me the ones that you’ll never get back?”

“Listen to me,” he said gently, placing Anna on his lap. “When I first saw you in the supermarket, I saw a woman who looked out of place. You seemed overwhelmed at the size of the place, the selection, the whole atmosphere. What you wanted was on the top shelf and you couldn’t reach it, but you were too afraid to ask for help. It reminded me of myself after I got away from HYDRA. So, I offered to help you as one person to another. Then when you looked at me, I could tell you recognized me, but I thought it was just like when any member of the public suddenly realizes it’s me. It wasn’t until you went to the end of the aisle and looked back at me that I had a flash of a memory that I had seen you before, but I didn’t know where. When I went to my car and saw you sitting there, it just reinforced that you were familiar. I recognized Sergei as well but couldn’t place where I had seen him, except the feeling I got from him wasn’t good. So, I got his licence plate number and Sam looked up Sergei’s information. I had his name and address but still couldn’t put the pieces together. I thought he may have been HYDRA but there were so many people that I encountered over the years I couldn’t narrow it down in my mind. But I was worried about you, because you were obviously afraid of him, even in that parking lot. So, I came to that house, and I watched through the window. When he hit you, I was ready to beat him down just on that alone. After he left, I knocked on the door and you called me Soldier, so you did know who I used to be, except when you said it, there was no fear. That didn’t make sense, even when you told me who you were and how you knew me, because I still didn’t remember. It didn’t matter because I wasn’t leaving there without you and Anna. I’m not the type of man to turn my back on anyone who needs help, and you needed it.”

“Do you remember me now?”

“Bits and pieces only,” he admitted. “Feelings, a couple of memories of me holding a child as she cried, which may have been you or it may have been my sister. After they forced me to kill your parents, my memory was wiped repeatedly, to make me forget you, then I was frozen. After I was awakened, I was wiped again and sent out on a kill mission, according to the files Sam found. They reprogrammed me to go after Steve Rogers because he was getting in the way of their plans. Until then, the public didn’t know who I was. But during a fight, my mask came off, and Steve recognized me, called me by name and that made other memories of him start pushing out. They wiped me again to go after him and I almost killed him, but a specific memory came back of us as friends and that was it, I wasn’t going back. If I had remembered you then, I would have come back for you. I would have never left you there. But they did too good of a job on my memories of you. I’m sorry.”

“So, you don’t care about me as your daughter,” she said hesitantly. “You only care for me as some woman who was in an abusive relationship.”

“No, that’s not true,” smiled Bucky, as he looked at her, then at Anna. “I lost everything because of HYDRA. My parents died without them ever knowing the truth that I survived. My sister was alive, and I did manage to meet with her before she died but all those years without her were gone forever. Steve went back to the past and he was the last person I had history with. When Sam told me that you were my daughter, it was like a part of me that I had closed up had opened again. You’re family, Katrina. You and Anna are my family. I don’t know if the old memories will come back but we can make new ones. We can get a house and live together, with a swing set in the back yard and a pet. You can go to college. Anna can go to school.”

“What about the transition? What if I turn into one of those killers? They must have thought that’s what would happen if they put me on those suppressants.”

“You’re also my daughter,” said Bucky. “I killed for them for a long time, but I haven’t killed anyone since the moment I remembered Steve for good. Shuri said it was because the good person I really am wouldn’t have done those things willingly. It’s something I struggle with but there must be some truth in it. Those killers were never good people. They were trained from a young age to have no mercy, no joy, and no love to give or receive. You’re not them. Your foster parents did love you, even though they were part of HYDRA. They tried to protect you and failed. You love Anna and you’ve protected her from the moment she was born, and you haven’t failed with her.”

“I love you, too,” she whispered, looking at her hands. Bucky felt a swell of emotion at her words. “Everyone said you were dangerous, but you never were to me. Growing up on that base was hard because only three people treated me kindly, you and my parents. Even though Pierce was polite I always knew he saw me as something to use.” She sniffed and Bucky reached into his pocket for another handkerchief, handing it to her, bringing a slight smile from her. “I’d like for us to live together. If anyone understands how hard it is to go from living as a prisoner to suddenly being free, it’s you.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself then looked at him again. “Can I call you Dad?”

“You can call me anything you want, sweetheart,” smiled Bucky, suddenly feeling like crying himself.

This time the hug wasn’t for comfort but for grasping at a chance for happiness. A part of Bucky that had been missing in his life was finally filled. For Katrina, she felt safe, especially knowing that this man who had looked out for her when she was a child was more. He was her father, and nothing would ever change that.

“I better get Anna to bed,” she said, as she finally pulled out of the hug. “Tomorrow, when they outline the plan to take us off the suppressants I want you there, as my dad and my friend. Then we can do what you said, make new memories, permanent ones.”

“I’ll be there,” said Bucky. “I promise.”

He stood up, kissing them both on the forehead in turn before handing her daughter back. Then he pulled them both in for another quick hug before walking them to the door. He watched them walk down the hallway towards their quarters before he went back inside. That night, Bucky Barnes slept straight through for over seven hours, a new record.

When he showed up with Katrina and Anna at the Avengers lab on the following day and listened to the plan, he still had doubts that things would work out. The analysis of the pills proved that they were no longer as effective as they had been as the active ingredients in them were losing their potency. They were also addictive in nature. Katrina was on the cusp of having a physical breakdown. They could either wean her off or put her through a cold turkey withdrawal from the suppressants. Each process had its pros and cons.

“What do you think I should do?” she asked Bucky, who held Anna in his lap.

“If it was me, I would want to get that stuff out of me as soon as possible,” he said. “But it’s going to be hard on you, really hard.”

He didn’t tell her about his own withdrawal from what HYDRA gave him, a process he underwent alone because he was on the run, without any help or trust in anyone.

“You’ll help me?” Her plaintive look as she asked almost broke his heart, but he assured her he would. She turned to the two doctors and Shuri. “I’ll go through the withdrawal as long as my dad can stay and help. I don’t want Anna to see.”

“She can stay with my sister and nephews in Delacroix,” said Sam. “She’ll be safe there and get lots of fresh air. We can arrange for a sorcerer to open a portal directly there.”

Looking at Bucky for guidance on Sam’s offer, he nodded his approval, and she accepted it. After a tearful goodbye with Anna, they decided to start the process the next day. With Sam along, the three of them spent the day together, with Bucky telling her about his family and growing up in Brooklyn before the war. He showed her an album he had of pictures that his sister had of him when he was young. It was bittersweet for Katrina, seeing the pictures of his parents and his sister, family she would never know. That evening, after dinner, Bucky took her up to the roof, where a lounge area was, and they watched the sunset together, before he walked her back to her room and assured her that she would get through this.

Bucky stayed with her throughout the detoxification process, as there were things in the pills that couldn’t even be identified as other than toxic. While her emotions went all over the place, at the same time as her strength and senses exploded, he held and rocked her like a baby, cleaned up her vomit and worse. When she begged for the pills to take the edge off of what her body was going through, he listened, then refused her requests, taking the physical and verbal abuse that she threw at him in response. Not once did he lose his temper or raise a hand to her. The few times he took a break, when a strong sedative was given to Katrina so that both of them could rest, he would shower, crying in that sanctuary, for what HYDRA had done to his daughter. Then he checked in on Anna, having a live video call with her, assuring her that Mama would get better. After some food to replenish him, he returned to that barren room with only a mattress on the floor, since Katrina had destroyed all the furniture in the first of her many rages as her body shed the drugs she had been fed since she was two years old. Every time he returned; it was with a nod to Bruce to lock the door. Then he sat next to her on the floor and waited for her to wake up, ready to go through the process all over again.

For those who were watching on closed circuit TV, Sam, Bruce, Helen and Shuri, it was both heartbreaking and uplifting at the same time, at witnessing the love he expressed to his daughter to stay with her throughout the ordeal. Sam thought it was one of the most heroic things Bucky would ever do. On the fourth day, he was dozing as he sat against the wall, the strain of all of it finally catching up to his super soldier stamina. Katrina woke up and rolled over to see her father sitting on the floor, his back against the wall with his eyes closed, his face unshaven, his hair a mess; and thought she had never seen anyone that she loved more at that moment than him.

“Dad?”

He opened his eyes immediately and looked at her intently.

“Yeah, sweetheart?” he answered, tiredly.

“Are you okay? You look like shit.”

He smiled. “I’ve been better. How are you?”

“Hungry,” she said. “But better.” She sniffed. “Is that me that smells?” He nodded. “Can I have a shower and get out of these clothes?”

Sam, who was watching at that moment on the closed-circuit TV with Bruce, turned to him.

“That’s good, right? She’s through the worst of it?”

“Yeah,” agreed Bruce. “She might have a relapse but if she’s hungry and her sense of smell is working then her body is finally readjusting. I think we can let her out to get cleaned up and have something to eat but I still want her to stay here for the week just for observation.”

Allowed to shower and wash her hair, Katrina took a long time before she came out of the bathroom, going right to Bucky and wrapping her arms around his middle.

“I have your eyes,” she said, as the side of her head rested against his chest and he enclosed her with his arms. “I hope Anna has your eyes as well.”

“You already have my heart,” he whispered, “both of you.”

It was further proof of their blood kinship to confirm she inherited the blue eyes of his family. After two days with no relapse, Katrina asked for Anna’s return, and the decision was made to wean the little girl off the pills slowly. She hadn’t been on them as long, only for a year and it took just over a month at the compound to wean her off of them completely. Her blue eyes matched those of her mother and grandfather. Although she was still adjusting to her growing abilities, her natural joyful nature sprouted during that time, endearing her to many of the staff. The time they spent together at the compound, proved to be time well spent, as they learned how to be a family.

With Nick Fury’s help, a house in Brooklyn was found, ready for them to move in; just needing furniture, linens, and all the other things necessary for living. Bucky moved all of his possessions from his flat over but so much more was needed and the three of them went on a bit of a spending spree, finding furnishings for their small family. Many hands came forward to help them move in when they finally took possession. For the first time since he left for war in 1943, Bucky Barnes had a real home to come back to.

They also received word from SHIELD that the search of Sergei’s house had revealed a list of people who had been in HYDRA but were never identified or located when it fell. When the authorities showed up on their doorsteps to take them into custody, many of them took the same way out that Sergei did. A few tried to claim they were forced to be part of that organization but were still taken in to be given their day in court.

Eleven months later

The doorbell rang again, and Bucky called out that he would answer it. Peeking through the window he saw it was Sam, Sarah and the boys, and he opened the door with a big smile, noticing the big present that Sam was carrying.

“You didn’t have to bring anything,” he said to his second family. “Just yourselves.”

“Like I’m going to come to a four-year old’s birthday party without an offering,” replied Sam. “It’s really something for the house. It was the boys’ idea.”

Bucky looked at AJ and Cass, standing there with grins on their faces. “It better not be a video game console. My granddaughter is way too young to be addicted to them like you two are.”

The sound of running footsteps had everyone turn around as Anna came barrelling down the hallway.

“Uncle Sam, Auntie Sarah!” She hugged them around the knees, almost knocking them into the wall.

“Gently, Anna,” warned Bucky. “Remember, you have to be gentle with everyone.”

He picked her up, kissing her on the cheek. “Why don’t you take the boys out to the backyard and show them your climbing gym?”

“Okay, Grandpa,” she answered, then wriggled to get out of his arms.

Grabbing the boys’ hands, she pulled them with her out to the backyard.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing you be called Grandpa,” smiled Sarah, kissing him on the cheek. “I think you like it a lot.”

“I do like it; I can’t lie,” smiled Bucky, then he put his hands out. “Give me that and I’ll add it to the pile of presents that other people brought even though I specifically asked them not to.”

“Stop complaining, Dad,” said Katrina, coming out of the kitchen. “You got her four presents and already let her open two of them. Hi, Sam. Hi, Sarah. Thanks for coming. There’s one person left, and he’ll be here soon.”

“A certain wingman?” teased Sam, as Bucky grimaced at him. “Aw, you like him. You just don’t want to admit it. Have you had the shovel talk with him yet?”

Bucky kept walking into the living room, giving Sam the finger as he did. That made him chuckle and he hugged Katrina, then signed to her.

“Does he know how serious you two are?”

She glared at him and signed back. “No, not yet.”

“Are you two signing to each other?” Bucky called out from the living room. “I can hear your hands move.”

They both stopped, then grinned as Bucky came back out to the hallway. With a knowing look at Sam, Katrina led them through the kitchen and out to the backyard which was done up with balloons and streamers. Music was playing and there was definitely a party atmosphere going on. Sarah looked at her brother as they went down the steps, surprised at the level of activity in the back yard. This was a bit much for Bucky’s usual tastes, but he seemed to be right in there, laughing and joking with people. He kept his eye on Anna, especially if she was too exuberant in her dealings with others, as she often forgot that most people weren’t like Grandpa, Mama, Uncle Thor, Uncle Peter, or Auntie Carol. Today, they were celebrating a couple of things, including Anna’s fourth birthday, or her first really, since her birth father Sergei, didn’t believe in celebrating sentimental milestones. In his mind, life was hard and you either took what you wanted to survive, or you died.

When the doorbell rang again bringing Joaquin Torres into the party, Sam was surprised to see a nod of acknowledgement from Bucky at the Avenger’s arrival. Maybe the major change in adjustment that the stoic super soldier underwent in the past year was an understatement. Remembering the first day he saw Bucky Barnes, that day on the freeway when the man literally destroyed Sam’s car with his hands, he smiled as he watched him pick Anna up, smothering her with kisses before he put her on his shoulders.

“Alright, let’s get this party started,” said Bucky, as he looked over the people assembled in his back yard. “Officially, this is just a get-together to celebrate a few things. First, I want to congratulate my daughter, Katrina, for getting her GED, scoring high enough to earn college credits in math, science, and language arts. She worked very hard to get that done, and I’m very proud of her. I’ll let her make the second announcement.”

“Thanks, Dad,” she replied, making several people grin at each other, as they still weren’t used to Bucky being called that. “I wanted to announce that I was accepted into NYU, and I’ll be starting there for the fall semester taking Applied General Studies, since I really don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.”

“Not following your father as an Avenger?” Thor looked confused. “You are a super soldier, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am but I’m also a mom, and I don’t think I inherited the ass-kicking gene from him,” she grinned. “Actually, he kind of suggested it. Said I should find my own path and he would light the way.” She looked lovingly at Bucky, who returned the look right at her. “Anyways, it’s been almost a year since Dad found me, and helped me start this new life. You’ve all been important to me as well, so thank you for being there for me and Anna.”

After the polite applause, Bucky lifted Anna off his shoulders and held her in his arms. He whispered into her ear, smiling as her face shone brightly.

“Really? Now?”

“Now,” he said. “What do you want to say to everyone?”

She looked sweetly at the people who were gathered then crowed out her greeting. “It’s my birthday! I’m four years old. Let’s have fun!”

It was an incredible party, as much fun for her mother and grandfather as it was for the four-year-old girl. Every gift she opened brought joy to her, even the video game console that Sam Wilson brought, ignoring the fake glares from her grandfather. When Bucky brought the cake out, with its four candles lit up Anna clapped her hands.

“Close your eyes, make a wish and blow out the candles,” said Katrina.

Scrunching her eyes up tight, Anna thought for a moment then she leaned forward and blew the candles out, to applause from everyone. As Katrina cut into the cake and shared pieces with everyone, Sam stood next to his partner, who gazed at his daughter and granddaughter with so much love.

“You’re a lucky man, Buck,” he said. “A good deed in the supermarket led you to find a real treasure.”

“I am lucky,” agreed the super soldier. “I have everything I want in life; a good job, a home, friends, and a family that I never knew I had. Thanks for doing the leg work and finding out the truth.”

“Any time, partner, any time.”

He patted Bucky on the shoulder, then both men accepted their piece of cake, enjoying every bite. Sometimes the darkest of discoveries leads to the brightest of celebrations, and this birthday party of Anna Barnes was proof of it. From now on she would grow up knowing that she was loved and cherished by her mother and her grandfather, the man formerly known as the Winter Soldier. This was one chance encounter that changed three lives for the better.

Bonus Drabble - I tried to include this in part 3 but it didn’t fit so I made it into a little Drabble instead.

The sight of Joaquin Torres holding hands and occasionally hugging or kissing Katrina Barnes at her daughter’s birthday party still surprised most people. Those that were at the compound when he arrived during the time of Katrina’s observation period, witnessed how he seemed taken by her immediately. Those that weren’t there heard the story and still didn’t believe it almost a year later. Torres didn’t even know she was Bucky’s daughter as she was listed at the security station as Katrina Ivanova. She was in the cafeteria waiting for Bucky when Joaquin saw her and Anna. Seeing Sam, he gestured to him to come over.

“Who is she? New staff?”

Sam had grinned, wondering if he should mess around with the flyer. Then Bucky joined his family, and Anna wanted to sit on his lap, drawing a smile out of the stoic super soldier. That just intrigued Joaquin even more and he pestered Sam for more information.

“The older one is Bucky’s daughter,” Sam finally said. “Just found out about her. They’re going to try to make a go of it as a family.”

“The little one is his granddaughter? He’s okay with that?”

“He’s great with it,” said Sam. “You want to meet her? She’s 26. Just a little younger than you.”

“He won’t hurt me, will he?” Joaquin looked a little worried.

“No promises. Come on, we’ll go sit with them.”

They picked up their trays and came over. Bucky narrowed his eyes a little bit as he noticed how Joaquin was looking at Katrina but said nothing, although he moved to the same side of the table with her.

“Katrina, this is Joaquin Torres, also known as The Falcon,” said Sam. “He works with your dad a lot. Joaquin, Katrina Barnes.”

“I will be, as soon as I get my name legally changed,” she replied, extending her hand to him. “This little one is my daughter, Anna.”

Joaquin looked from her to Bucky, who was keeping a civil face, at least for now.

“So, you were born while he was still the Winter Soldier?”

“Yeah, it’s a long story but because of a chance encounter at a supermarket, I found my dad, and he found me and Anna.” She anticipated his next question. “I inherited his abilities, if you’re wondering.”

He smiled at her, then at Bucky. “I think you’ll be a good dad and grandfather. You already seem a lot happier.”

“I’m working on it,” murmured Bucky. “Don’t you have some work to do on your suit?”

“Already finished the systems upgrade,” said Joaquin. “I’m pretty free until we get another mission. Oh, I heard that Fury was looking for you and Cap. Sorry Sarge.”

“Sarge?” asked Katrina. “They call you Sarge?”

“Hmmm,” answered Bucky, then he looked at Sam, who was trying to keep a straight face. His own face and voice were definitely not amused. “I need to talk to you, in private.”

As they walked away, he could hear Katrina ask Torres why her dad was called Sarge. They didn’t see Katrina, Anna or Torres for the rest of the afternoon, as he showed her the amenities outside, including a playground that Bucky didn’t know about. That was the day Bucky finally experienced what all the fathers of his dates in the 1930s and 1940s went through when he led their daughters out the door. The thought of karma finally catching up with him on his ladies’ man days, was a bitter pill to swallow. But at least he knew where Torres lived, and he definitely had the shovel talk with him a few days later, while sharpening one of his favourite knives.

Since then, Torres hadn’t disappointed Sarge. Whenever he showed up to take Katrina out he was pleasant with her father and he always brought her back on time, while showing her the greatest respect. He did have plans to visit Sarge soon, to ask him something very important, but he could wait. Today was Anna’s day and the ring was patiently waiting for its moment to be offered to her mother.

Part 4>>

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[silverspleen]

@your-royal-highness-of-trash

Pulled out into TWO new posts b/c I cannot be subjecting my friends to one longpost but rather many smaller posts with the majestic read more tool. I hope this is cool.

(Context. My reply to This.)

THE FUN HALF lets ramble about character stuff yes pleaaaase they really did nail the characterization they did do that I hate how good of a job they did.

First it is so funny that you already know Bad Suns! I was literally introduced to them this summer by one of my D&D buddies on one of our driving days where we just hang out in the car listening to music loudly with the windows down and I was just, blown away by their sound. And then like a week later went. "Wait.... This is a blorbo song. This is an Alex pov Faralex song. This is him being filled with emotions oh my god"

Glad you are also just "eh" on Ghoap. Like. I've read some great Ghoap fics but like. Perhaps it's the hipster in me. I get the dynamic allure, I get the chemistry, I get that it's hot but I am just not insane for them like the majority of the fandom. Because I already have Faralex. And og Ghost Roach but WHATEVER.

I have posted about the Alex disability thing before already so I 100% hard agree. When I actually looked up the timeline for a prosthetic, just like, as a cursory google for the most vague of fic writing stuff, I was immediately like. OH THEY DID NO RESEARCH HUH. He would have still been in PT by the time they brought him into Warzone he would not be ready for it, but like. Yeah he's so? He's nice? He's a nice man and very friendly but he's also not a good man (we forget that these are not the same) and also sort of hyper focused on Farah and sometimes I think that it's easy to backseat his angst when Farah's right there for him to sort of focus on instead of his problems? He was a marine and a CIA agent and I'm sure he has some like very intense ingrained stuff about technically being actually genuinely disabled with likely chronic pain now and it probably isn't great! I love a healthy dynamic but I will not lie and pretend I'm not into a little bit into how his thing for her can 100% be a little unhealthy. I like a little smidge of the spice with that devotion dynamic. As you said, being mentally ill together. I like that she is in a position where she needs someone who is like, a little obsessed with her in a way that's Not Normal, and he is in a position where being Not Normal about someone probably gets him through some rough days but also watch out! Don't let that consume you!

I feel like he probably gets the prosthetic from Price (and Laswell later), but like. Surely it gets broken because, as you said, he is running around in the desert for hours at a time on combat missions. Farah gets her little care package of goods from Price and Alex just gets leg parts it's constantly leg parts every shipment there's a leg part in there you can tell he's been somewhere because we just have ruined liners everywhere and you can tell when stuff is really bad because there's just. A leg. Abandoned in some building somewhere and smashed half to shit.

Out of Alex I want 1) more disability stuff because yes. Like he has to use crutches a lot, right? Surely he does. How easy is it to shoot a gun in crutches I have to know! I want like "ah ha we have attacked the ULF off guard surely now we will be at an advanta-" *thudding sound of angry CIA deserter in crutches with a gun and still very capable of being dangerous* 2) We are so cagey about the whole "he is now a terrorist" CIA deserter thing. Does he have family at home? He died so like. Did his mom or dad get a flag? Do you get a flag when you desert? Surely they knew he was into some Incredibly Black Ops stuff so like when he vanishes off the face of the earth it was normal up until they get a letter like "lol sorry he's dead." (But he's not dead, you'll just never see the top secret blurry photos of him in the desert doing a terrorism, which was not all that different than what he was doing before he just enjoys it more now.) How many skeletons are in that closet boooy.

You should totally make a bookmark collection!! I know I value the heck out of people who do fic reviews and collections and stuff. Nothing like seeing that someone else is really enjoying a ship dynamic and collecting stuff that's their taste.

"Different Relationship" yes they are in love your honor. He would never intentionally mispronounce his beloved wife's name, he's just a stupid American and gets it 50% correct but he tries. I have never seen this video. Thank you so much for linking it.

-

Ugh thinking in my brain again about like, do you think he would have ever brought Farah to PT? Like he's going to PT for his leg under some assumed name somewhere and has told the therapists some sort of half truth sob story about his life that is 80% CIA lies and 20% actual dynamics from his life so they are aware of Farah in a "I need to get better because there is someone in my life I need to get back to" way. And then he slowly phases out as he recovers and later he actually brings The Someone to one of his checkup appointments and it's this tiny middle eastern woman that he has really intense energy with where they are clearly having entire conversations just by staring at each other. Between his military tattoos and how she gets this edge to her every time there's a weird noise outside it's slowly becoming obvious that they are both military somehow but everything goes well until there's a global news update about Urzikstan and they both get really weird and quiet until Alex is like "hey lets change the channel now :)" and Farah says something in Arabic and he replies and they have some sort of laugh about it and it's like, uh oh these people! These people are somehow connected to global events in some nebulous way that you're not sure you should be thinking about!

Anyway shout out to the government guy who brought his concealed carry into the clinic! I don't think that was necessary! I looked it up and it was probably legal since we didn't have a sign at that point but why did you do that knowing full well you would have to take off your shirt for the scan and I would have to be uncomfortably near it the whole time! I will complain about this whenever I can! It was weird!

[usafphantom2]

At Beale Air Force Base , in California, you would think that the SR-71 Blackbird program would be the biggest blackest deepest secret. You would be wrong.

The biggest secret was Senior Bowl.

According to Air Force Test Center History Office documents, all manned flights over the Soviet Union were discontinued by President Dwight Eisenhower after Francis Gary Powers’ U-2 spy plane was shot down May 1, 1960. However even if the US government was planning on using satellites for reconnaissance, the technology was still a few years away and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) determined unmanned drones could fill the gap until satellites became viable.

For this reason in the 1960s the famed Lockheed “Skunk Works” developed the D-21 a highly-advanced, remotely piloted aircraft (RPA) designed to carry out high-speed, high-altitude strategic reconnaissance missions over hostile territory. However, on the fourth flight test, the D-21 experienced an “asymmetric unstart” as it passed through the bow wake of the M-21 causing the mothership to pitch up and collide with the D-21 at Mach 3.25. Crewmembers Bill Park and Ray Torick ejected from the M-21, but Torick’s flight suit became ripped and filled with water when he plunged into the ocean where he drowned.

After the accident and after the death of Ray Torick, a test flight engineer, the M-21 launch program was cancelled but testers still believed the D-21 would make a valuable reconnaissance vehicle and decided to launch the drone from B-52Hs under top secret test program named Tagboard. The new code name for the D-21 project became Senior Bowl.

It was Kelly Johnson, President of Skunk Works, who suggested to use the B-52. As a result of Johnson’s advice two B-52’s were modified: 61#0021 and 60#0036. Both B-52’s are still in the US Air Force (USAF) inventory. The ultra secret 4200 test squadron was formed at Beale.

Only a few of the men that flew the SR-71 had been read into the program: out of necessity one of the few included my father Richard “Butch” Sheffield, SR-71 RSO who had already been read into Oxcart in 1965. In his unpublished book he writes that on the flightline he was with Bob Spencer, SR-71 pilot. They were taxing out when they saw the B-52 with a drone underneath it. Spencer asked ‘What is that under that B-52?’ My Dad responded ‘I have no idea.’ He couldn’t tell Bob Spencer the truth.

These two B-52‘s were kept away at the end of the runway apart from any other operations. The D-21s were used on four flights over communist China but none of these missions fully succeeded.

Two flights were successful, however the imagery could not be recovered from the D-21’s hatch. The other two operational flights ended with one being lost in a heavily defended area and the other D-21 simply disappeared after launch.

The main mission of the D-21 was to fly over China and take pictures of its nuclear weapons test facility in the remote west central of the country near Lop Nor.

The pictures were supposed to be dropped in the ocean and recovered by the Navy. The fourth and final mission of the D-21 drone took place on Mar. 20, 1971 and was undertaken by D-21 #527. Experts at the 4200th Support Squadron and at Skunk Works concluded that #527 must have malfunctioned. It was thought to have gone down near Lop Nor.

Senior Bowl lasted from January 1968 until Jul. 15, 1971. Interestingly, after the fall of the Soviet Union, Ben Rich (then retired president of Lockheed’s Skunk Works) finally had an opportunity to tour Russia himself. While in Moscow, the KGB presented Rich with a gift of what they thought were the remains of a stealth fighter that had crashed in their territory. As it turned out, the wreckage was actually pieces and parts of the lost D-21 Drone! ~ written by Linda Sheffield Miller for Aviation geekclub

@Habubrats71 via X

[dw-flagler]

okay, so:

back in the 70s, Spider-Man's Clone Saga was a thing. A lot happened, but the long and short of it was this: Gwen Stacy was killed by the green goblin in Amazing Spider-Man 121. A while later, she seemingly comes back to life. This is revealed to be a plot of the supervillain The Jackal, who created clones of peter and gwen because he could just do that. Peter fights the clone, one of them dies, and they assume that the surviving peter is the original. There's another clone saga, which was widely panned, but the important thing for my post here is Ultimate Spider-Man (2000-2009).

We have to establish a couple things first, though. So in USM issue 31, Gwen Stacy's dad, John Stacy, is killed by a spider-man impersonator (for honestly some really stupid reasons but whatever), and Gwen is formally adopted by May, moving in with her and Peter in issue 32.

Now, shortly after this, the venom saga happens. It differs from most versions in that the symbiotes, in the ultimate universe, are not aliens, but instead human-made living organisms. They were made by Edward Brock Sr. and Richard Parker, and peter's parents are killed because Richard refuses to make the suits weapons. Eddie Brock Jr. (Peter's childhood friend, current college student, and pedophile) recreates one of the symbiotes, and eventually it bonds with Eddie to become Venom in issue 37.

Anyway, some other stuff happens, and then in Issue 57, Gwen finds out that Peter is Spider-Man. She confronts him in Issue 59, and eventually decides she's cool with him being spider-man. She calls him her "super hero little brother" in a conversation with Mary Jane.

Later, in issue 60, Curt Conners, the guy whose lab Eddie was working in, takes a sample of Peter's blood, and, working with a guy named Ben Reilly, creates another symbiote, Carnage.

Carnage, a symbiote cloned from peter, breaks out of the lab, killing a bunch of people, including Gwen, in issue 62. Peter, furious at this, tracks down the Carnage symbiote (which never actually has a host in this universe) and throws it in a fire, killing it. Later, in Issue 64, that other guy, Ben Reilly, steals a sample of the Carnage symbiote from Connors' lab, for unknown purposes.

Cut to issue 97, the start of Ultimate's Clone Saga. So Peter encounters this supervillain called the scorpion, who turns out to be a clone of him. He also encounters Jessica Drew(!), who is also a clone of him. Then, after jessica whooped his ass, he sees Gwen, who has miraculously come back to life!

So, the particular details of the ultimate clone saga aren't important for this post, but I'll describe them in brief anyway. The clones, including Scorpion, Jessica, and the others who i'm not mentioning, were made by Otto Octavius and Ben Reilly together, working to recreate Spider-Man for the CIA. Ben, as he already had a failed attempt to clone spider-man just sitting in his pocket or something, decided to do some fucky stuff to the carnage sample he had on him. He tries to recreate the full Carnage, but it doesn't work quite right, and it ends up kind of becoming Gwen Stacy. It's still carnage, but it's also her.

Anyway, Peter and Jessica beat the hell out of Doc Ock, who was responsible for this, all the clones other than Jessica and Gwen die, Peter gets back together with Mary Jane and breaks up with Kitty Pryde (who he was dating at the time), everything goes back to normal. More or less. Eventually, carnage Gwen gets attacked by Eddie "Pedophile" Brock and he steals her symbiote (despite the fact that she is a symbiote) and becomes Venom again, and she is completely normal now.

Anyway, by Vol. 2 Issue 1 (about 30 issues later), we're in a new status-quo. The important part is this: Peter has broken up with Mary Jane (again) off screen, and is now dating Gwen Stacy for some reason.

So, as I have exhaustively laid out, peter is, in fact, dating his own clone.

What's even weirder about this is that a few issues later, in Vol. 2 Issue 9, Johnny Storm (who was there during the whole clone saga but I guess he wasn't paying attention) goes and kisses Jessica Drew, who is also a clone of peter, and peter finds this extremely gross.

I don't really have a moral or anything to this. I just sort of recognized that gwen is technically a clone of peter and felt like i had to explain this to someone.