#10-year-old me: this better not awaken anything in me

[crows-of-buckets]

Its the middle of the night and instead of sleeping I keep thinking about Aviae and Anders's dynamic ougaggga

[datkat08]

Ranking One Piece ships!! My opinion ofc

Zoro x Sanji: 100000/10, my otp, I would die for them, never a dull moment with this ship.

Franky x Robin: 11/10, incredible, showstopping, even better as t4t.

Usopp x Kaya: 10/10, no notes, they’re adorable.

Nami x Vivi: 9/10, very cute! Now all we need is for Vivi to come back 😔😔

Shanks x Buggy: 7/10, very funny, and childhood friends to enemies to lovers is a fun trip.

Luffy x Zoro: 5/10, I hc Luffy as aroace so it doesn’t work, but I can at least see where people are coming from with this one.

Sanji x Usopp: 5/10, it’s cute and the fan content is nice, but it’s just not my thing.

Luffy x Law: 4/10, their dynamic is amusing but it doesn’t really work for me as a ship.

Luffy x Nami: 3/10, doesn’t work because of my hcs for them and I don’t think they’d like each other that way, but there are worse options.

Ace x Sanji: 3/10, I can see Ace being Sanji’s bi awakening but they wouldn’t work as an actual couple imo.

Zoro x Robin: 2/10, where’s the chemistry? This ship would be boring more than anything else. Also don’t love 19 x 28.

Luffy x Boa: 0/10, I’m sorry but I’m not shipping a 17 year old with a 29 year old. Her infatuation with Luffy bothers me tbh.

[featguler]

Heyyyy could you do anything for Rodrygo?

all we've been talkin' about────── the millionth morning after with rodrygo.

♡ ────── pairing : rodrygo goes x reader ♡ ────── tags : reader's gender, ethnicity, nationality, and appearance is not specified. reader lives in brazil and has known rodrygo for a while. situationship!rodrygo goes LOL sorry... it also gets a bit heated towards the end. ♡ ────── wordcount : 809 ♡ ────── notes : "could you do anything for rodrygo?" YES. absolutely YES. thank you so much for rqing! i tried looking for one-shots for him for reference and found none!? crazy. i love him sm. i hope you enjoy this anon mwah. this is lightly based on better by khalid and 'tis the damn season by taylor swift, but as always, just in general nothing too specific ♡ masterlist.

Every once in a while, Rodrygo goes back home to Brazil.

He seems like he has found a new home in Spain—he has shinier friends there, a shinier career. You see him through the screens of your television when you have the time; you’ve got a life here in Brazil too, after all, though not as polished as his, 10 hours away.

It seems like you two live through completely separate lives—you are never quite as interested as he is in the fame, and the glory, and the spotlight. When you don’t step out of your comfort zone, everything feels so easy and freeing.

You do miss him, though. Sometimes. You try not to wonder if he misses you too.

“You were awake?”

The grogginess in your voice pulls a smile from his lips, and he leans in to place a kiss on your bare shoulder. You awaken to his hot breath against your face, his face shadowed by the sunlight from your window.

“For a good while, yeah.”

“You waited long?”

You don’t like telling your friends that you have Rodrygo Goes wrapped around your fingers every time his feet land upon your city; when your family asks, you tend to avoid the question too by mentioning another one of his stark performances.

“Not long enough,” he chuckles, leaning back to his original position, his hand rubbing the spot where his lips had sloppily left a peck, slithering down your body to intertwine your fingers together.

You furrow your eyebrows, mind still fuzzy from your rest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” he laughs this time, throwing his head back.

Your mother insists always that you start dating the winger—it’s safe money, she had mentioned, and she was right. Dating Rodrygo would offer a safe life, marrying him would guarantee it.

But at 23 years old, he doesn’t look like he will settle down anytime soon. You? Well, you think that despite the little bubble you are living in, life goes beyond marrying for financial security.

Life is what you make of it, after all. And letting your friend kiss you in places friends should not see is what you make of it.

It’s what gives you the thrill—that sense of self-pity you have for yourself whenever he would leave and be rumoured with yet another different person; the pride and arrogance whenever he strides back into your arms.

You watch his eyes and the gentle curve of his lips, that you lean up to peck after a few seconds.

In response, he leans to kiss you. And then again. And again. And again. His hand reaches to the small of your back, pulling you closer, pressing your body against each other.

“Damn,” he pulls away just as the heat rises, his thumb tracing imaginary shapes on your skin. “Goddamn.”

You laugh. “Thank you, thank you.”

He joins in, trying to pull you in even closer to him.

“Hey.”

He says your name, somehow even sweeter than anyone else has.

“Yeah?” You snuggle down to his arm, pressing your cheek against his chest.

“I wonder at what point would it be okay for me to say ‘I love you’.”

He looks down at you, and for a moment, a strange silence seeps among you two. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs, looking off for a moment, to the door leading to your bathroom, before looking back at you. “But I feel like I love you.”

You blink up—a part of you feels like you should have given a more avid response to his strange question, but the flow of the conversation is so natural that you being just you seens like the right move.

“I don’t want a relationship.”

At your answer, Rodrygo laughs. He wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head.

“I’m not asking for a relationship,” he shakes his head, still chuckling. “I’m just saying, I love you.”

“Yeah?” You giggle alongside him. “My charm even wards off all those shiny people you met in Madrid?”

“Oh baby,” he sighs, tracing his hand on the back of your neck. “Madrid has got nothing on you, no one there got a thing.”

You roll your eyes, shifting to find a more comfortable position. “Big words, Rodrygo. And you expect me to believe that?”

Rodrygo hums for a moment. “Maybe not. Just that I love you.”

“Stop saying that,” you whine.

“You don’t have to say it back,” he raises an eyebrow, as though defending himself.

“I’m not gonna.” You raise a hand to the base of his neck and pull him closer, close enough for your lips to reach his.

Through the kiss, you feel his lips curving into a smile.

Spain or Brazil, through fame and glory, something inside of you supposes that he misses you too sometimes.

[blueskittlesart]

how do u play zelda games... or are u just very familiar w the lore without having played all of them? i only have a switch and have played botw and totk it's the only console i've ever had and i'd like to play more games like ocarina of time and wind waker and majoras mask but idk how to access them and also. expensive 😭

i've played every game I talk about on here! I try not to talk about ones i havent played bc i don't have a full understanding of them lol. for me it's been about 10 years since I started playing zelda games so I've had some time to get this many under my belt but I can definitely recommend some good games & methods for new players!

since you said you only have a switch, i'll start with legal ways to get older zelda games on the switch. many of these will be expensive and arent actually the method i recommend to play them but. for the sake of being thorough. im gonna mention them.

skyward sword HD remake (highly recommend!!) this game would probably be a pretty good starting point after botw and the remake is notably easier to play than the original. it is $60 tho when the original game was $30. so

NES and SNES virtual consoles which are free with a nintendo online subscription have the original zelda, zelda II, and a link to the past on them. as a new player i wouldnt SUPER recommend any of these but alttp is definitely worth it if you DO end up liking some of the more modern games in the series.

the dreaded n64 virtual console has oot on it but im just straight up gonna tell you not to buy that shit. oot is a must play but there are millions of better ways to play it

the fucking $60 links awakening remaster. don't buy this

the way I personally played most of my games is either via console or hacked console. if you're willing to invest in a secondhand wii to hack you can emulate basically any console that came before it, including the n64 for oot and the gamecube for wind waker. if you're willing to invest in OR you have an old 3ds lying around (preferably that hasnt been updated recently but you can get around that) you can hack it to play GB/GBA/DS/3DS games, which includes link's awakening, minish cap, albw, oot 3d, and majora's mask 3d!

if you're looking for a COMPLETELY free option, my next suggestion is emulation. you want a decent PC to be able to run most of this shit without speed drops, and some newer consoles won't run perfectly no matter what. wii games especially are really dicey because of their reliance on motion control so there's not a lot of emulators out there for them.

for anything before the N64 (majora & any game released before it) I recommend the MAME vintage game emulator. this thing was originally built for arcade games but runs a lot of vintage consoles pretty well too and is generally intuitive and user-friendly.

Visual Boy Advance is a good option for GBA games (link's awakening, 4 swords, minish cap, oracle games.) these may also work on MAME

Desmume for DS games (phantom hourgass, spirit tracks)

Citra for 3DS games (requires high processing speed & decent graphics card, most laptops will not run it) (oot & mm 3d, albw)

for gamecube (wind waker) I used dolphin emulator on my hacked wii so I can't vouch for how it'll run on anything else but i believe it should also be able to emulate wii games? (sksw, tp)

hope this helps fuel your loz adventures! if you ever have specific questions about emulation or hacking i might be able to help also lol i hate paying for games so i do this a lot

[radiowendigo]

Kallua Childhood facts (Part 1)

Kallua was born on August 6th, 2009

Kallua was born in Whale Island and remained there his entire childhood.

Gon and Killua made the decision before and after his birth, that Whale Island is where they wanted to raise him. It was mainly because of the Zoldyck family, as well the couple’s last names alone.

Due to his parents’ desire to have total control over his upbringing, Kallua didn't really learn anything about his biological mother until he was ten years old.

Alluka became Kallua’s godmother after his birth. While Kallua views Alluka as a mother figure, he equally feels connected to her as an aunt.

Ging did see Kallua twice as a baby. A couple days after he was born and when he was past 6 months. But never again after that until he was 14.

To quell Kallua's curiosity, Gon, Killua, and everyone else in his life—aside from Alluka of course—did not discuss much about Killua's family. But, he was aware that they were well-known assassins.

Between the ages of 10 and 11, Killua finally told Kallua about his upbringing and family's full backgrounds and details.

After Kallua was born, Gon and Killua took a three-year paternity leave and remained on Whale Island. After that, they would sometimes leave Kallua alone with Grandma Mito.

In Kallua's childhood, both parents were usually present to raise him, but every few months, at least one of them had to leave the island for work.

Together, the family took many vacations, with Mito accompanying them on almost half of them. Every few months, they would travel to the city where the Hunter Association is located, where Alluka lives and works full-time as a nurse. I would have mentioned the city name, but I couldn't for the life of me discover it, even after a lot searching. For Whale Island, Alluka took the same action. Along with going on family vacations, she occasionally went on solitary trips with her brother and nephew.

Every time they came to visit, they would all stay in Alluka's house. She had a bedroom specifically created and decorated for Kallua as well, and it contained with plenty of toys, games, and books.

When it came to friends, they prioritized spending as much time as possible with those closest to them, particularly Leorio and Kurapika. They became Kallua's uncle figures and occasionally watched him when they were there.

The couple and their son would travel together for work, and had many opportunities to visit animal and private animal sanctuaries, exposing Kallua to a lot of different species of wild life. There are many photographs of him taken with a variety of different species because Gon and Killua love taking pictures of their son. Kallua is able to connect with most animals and form some kind of bond with them usually.

From a young age, Kallua knew what he wanted to be in his future profession, a hunter.

However, as he matured and gained a better understanding of the field, he realized that he wanted to be a professional crime hunter in addition to the kind of hunter ging and gon are—the ones who searched for objects, and assisted people. He ended up becoming a pro hunter and a crime hunter when he was 12 years old. While rising to the position of chairman in his mid-20s, he still performed his other titles he gained when he was younger.

At the age of 4, Gon and Killua started to teach their son independence and public speech, since that was crucial when being a hunter.

At the age of 3, Killua started training Kallua physical combat and even how to kill, for self defense of course. Including techniques like the Silent Gate, Rhythm Echo, and Snake Awakens. But never brainwashed him like his family tried to do to him. Killua was a very strict but gentle teacher. He motivated and celebrated every small or big victory in Kallua’s training. He would also reward him sometimes with a something sweet, a toy, or even go somewhere fun!

Killua only ever harmed Kallua once. It was when he manipulated his hands to mould his nails into the shape of claws and release them, thinking that would be ideal when killing. Following that, Killua would constantly console Kallua and express his sorrow and regret for a while.

Gon, on the other hand, concentrated on educating Kallua both how to survive the wilderness and zoology. While Gon was teaching him, he taught him how to fish when he was even younger and they would go on numerous hikes, and camping trips together.

When he wasn't training to be a hunter, doing school work, or in the house, Kallua would spend endless hours outside, half the time walking on his own and exploring the island. Even at night as he got older. He loves the wilderness and outdoors. But without him realizing at the time despite having amazing senses, Killua or Gon, mainly Killua, would keep an eye on him from a distance. They stopped that once Kallua turned 11.

Kallua would run, play, and climb trees, hills, jump in the ocean and lakes, swing on vines. He wasn’t afraid to get messy and fed himself including bugs many times when he went to the forest. He also spend time and played with a lot of the animals including Konta, his son, and his own son who he grew up with. Konta and his family after was introduced to Kallua the following spring after he was born.

When Kallua was younger, he was full of energy and loved going outside. He also enjoyed playing games and physical ones with his fathers, which they both usually enjoyed. Since there were hardly any children living on Whale Island, Kallua had his own playground installed around their property when he was a toddler. Soon, that park would also include a training facility with all of the equipment Kallua needed for training. However, the family would also regularly go on walks and beach outings.

Kallua has always had a passion for sports; he focused mostly on skateboarding and snowboarding, developing outstanding skill in both sports, which he continues to pursue as an adult. He gained his love for those sports due to Killua first showing and teaching him those activities at a very young age

Wow this feels a little embarrassing to share I don’t know why. Anyways here’s new, more organized facts mostly by age I wrote about Kallua and definitely plan on sharing more if it gets attention or not. In these facts Kallua is in my main story where he lives as a hunter and Illumi and Kalluto are hopefully alive (I will not say anymore for those who aren’t manga readers or haven’t caught up with the manga).

[havikshoochiemama]

My Star Wars Acolyte rant >:(

This shit is not proofread LMAO it’s 5 am i’m mad leave me alone just me being the hater that i am 🤭

I originally wasn’t gonna talk about the Acolyte because clearly the show was just another emotionally immature shitty Disney cash grab with horribly written characters BUT DUDE i keep seeing ads and stuff on my tumblr NONSTOP and i’m actually sick of it .. most of you guys saw one Tumblr Sexyman and just went ham with that…We as a fandom need to stand up because Disney doesn’t care about star wars imma keep it a buck they just want to make their next mcu and they just greenlighting anything at this point

“oh but i like Andor” yeah that’s like what ever 10 shows they make they make one good one that’s not good 😭… anyways like i was saying they are literally pulling shit out their ass they are getting shit from the star wars legends that’s it’s own universe and putting it in…like excuse me ??? those books don’t follow the events of the movie so why would your show that allegedly takes place before the movies (I said allegedly because writers can’t even get characters ages right ) also i’m talking about that bs w the helmet that stops lightsabers… apparently it’s called cortosis from legends never once mentioned in any of the movies (i’m not watching them live action shows idgaf i like SOME of the animated ones) but they use it as a Mcguffin when they want bc they never built on this they just stole it from legends LMAOAA you just can’t do that  i’m literally about to pop a blood vessel 😭 i’m not watching that show again but let me critique the shit i do remember… also the “Gayest Star Wars we ever made” KEEP MY PEOPLE OUT YOUR SHITTY WORK !!! but after that man who’s to edgy for a name killed all her friends she “loved” she’s sees his face and is like wow 😍 literally thinkin with her pussy very hetro of you 💀 gah this show just pisses me off star war at its heart is a fuckin space opera and i dont think disney understands that. i literally fell in love with star wars back when i played battlefront and watched all the movies read as many comics and books as i could get my hands on and seeing something you love become something you hate is fuckin sick and crazy it’s started with me from the force awakens that movie is horrible you bitches say pretty graphics and said oh good movie 😍 NO NO it literally was just a new Hope setting everything that luke did back making him basically useless LMAO and they butchered the old characters to help the new ones which are really not that great 💀 i’m still mad that them used Finn as a token black person 😐 i could rewrite the force awakens better same characters and all and yk actually do something better (joking i would if Disney paid me to)LMAO also i hate kylo ren don’t get me wrong i love my cry baby tantrum throwing villains but he’s nawt it LMAO i’m sorry this is a rant about the shitty show YALL NOT READY FOR ME TO SPEAK ON THE FORCE AWAKENS 😭

yeah i hate that show i literally don’t wanna talk about it anymore heart emoji 😝 remember when people said the Phantom Menace was bad yeah…  at least it have character development atleast it had good world building atleast the universe was establish and yk i liked it but the prequel’s have always been my favorite clone wars literally came out on my birth year >:3 it was made for me 🤭 but i’m just a whore for world building and lore yeah… umm idk to me start wats ended with the return of the Jedi 🗣️

dont @ me idc this is my opinion and if you want to continue meat riding corporate greed that literally is ruining my fave franchise pop off if you liked the show i don’t care good for you (your def new gen star wars fan)

also Darth Plagueis ?? LMAO WHAT they just doing anything i see and why where all the jedis fuckin morons … okay ? and your main character sucked you don’t get the satisfaction of character arcs like “her joining the dark side” if there was no character building to begin with like ? it not to late Disney just burn it get it over with. Also it’s all so Fuckin boring LMAO also i can talk shit about character development and arcs all i want bc i’m writing my own novel and i’ve did a lot of research even tho this whole rant is a mess it’s 5 in the morning give ur girl a break i just really like my silly space movie okay 🥹 i literally spent a band on the Star Wars encyclopedia leave me alone

Um if you wanna argue my comments are open <3 i love arguing i’m somewhat of a scorpio myself

[micvick]

Between the Sea and the Sand

Themes and Warnings for this chapter: Death and violence, Mental health struggles, Poverty, Cultural and racial discrimination, Familial loss, Forced participation in violent events, The text contains mild profanity and colloquial language and words in spanish.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language, and most of this text has been translated. The original text in Spanish is this: "Entre el mar y la arena".

Normal text: Spanish, Highlighted text: English

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

The awakening in Puerto Cabello brings with it the penetrating smell of the sea, but this morning, the salty scent seems more ominous. My father's absence is palpable; I miss waking up to his tickles. I used to hate it, but now I miss it more than anything. I still haven't accepted that he's gone, and my brother Kai must already be on the boat. After my father's death, my best friend Annie's dad gave him a job as a helper on his boat. He's probably there now, working hard in the early morning light. Anxiety gnaws at me because today is the Reaping. Every year it's torture watching my friends go and not come back. They're always from our port because we're poor people. The only way to live for us is to ask for tesserae, and now it's my turn, my first year in the bowl. But my thoughts aren't centered on myself. The shadow of worry looms over my older brother, Kai, 17, whose name has been entered into the Reaping more times than I can count. In our toughest times after my father's death, all we could do was ask for tesserae, but he never let me take one, to the point that now his name is in the bowl 32 times.

Annually, the prospect of my brother leaving me in this brutal place horrifies me. Since our father's departure, Kai has become the family's pillar. It's just him and me, and if he doesn't survive these games, my existence hangs by a thread. In District 4 in Puerto Cabello, our home, life is tough, and survival becomes even more precarious. We're just one of the thousands of islands in District 4. We're nothing more than a place where people who shouldn't be here live. We're Hispanic, so we should be dead like the others in South America, but a few of us survive. Now we live here, in a place where we barely eat once a day and live off fish and seaweed. The only ones who live moderately well in this port are those who have businesses, and sometimes not even that, as mostly they live in houses with all their relatives together, although that's better than living in a house with just one room, one bathroom, and a roof almost collapsing. As I got up and dressed in my best clothes with a bracelet an old friend gave me, I saw the television that only serves to watch government programs and saw an announcement about the Reaping and what time it would be. That annoyed me, seeing how the presenter laughed and the people around him shouted with joy.

It's undeniable that the Hunger Games are considered a monstrosity by everyone. Instead of using their resources productively, the Capitol chooses to watch children fight to the death for events that happened 68 years ago. It's stupidity, as well as unfair, because our people's names always come out, a Hernandez, a Gonzalez, a Mendoza, since we're the only ones who desperately need tesserae. Interestingly, all the Latinos who go die, it's like you step into the arena and you die if you're Latino. One of the few Latinas I saw who won was Noorena Colinas, who won the 60th Hunger Games. I remember her very well because she always refused to speak English inside the arena. She always spoke her language, and it was the first games where the Capitol was forced to put subtitles because she was super interesting to the Capitol's audience. First, she fled to the forest, and with her machete that she grabbed a while later in the Cornucopia, she finished off each of the tributes on her own. When only she and a boy from District 2 were left, while fighting with the female tribute from District 5, he was very badly wounded. But he didn't realize something: Noorena was above him on a tree branch covered in blood from her previous victims, and when he least expected it, she with her machete cleanly cut off his head and declared herself the winner of the 60th Hunger Games. But still, it seemed depressing to me. She was praying all the time, always killed the tributes in ways they didn't suffer, and when she won, she broke down in tears and never appeared again as a mentor. This is unfair, girls and boys sent to die, and even though I don't agree, the government of Panem has no problem killing children like me.

I prepare to go to the Plaza de las Flores, grab my bag, and fill it with pearls that I got while walking on the beach near my house, hidden in a mini forest. Only I know about it, because no one wants to go there because of the mutts, and not normal ones, giant sea creatures, that can devour you as soon as they see you, but they haven't attacked me, I'm invisible to them. I grabbed a handful of pearls to exchange them for basic food at the square to have one more day of food. My destination is to meet my best friend, Annie Cresta, a Cuban whose laughter and warm hug are a balm in these dark times. And it always has been. When my father died, she was with me at my house for three days along with her mother. She gave me her lunch at school and comforted me whenever I needed it.

I go to the square and quickly go to a jeweler. He looks at me and greets me as he invites me into his tent. "Let's see, my girl, what do you have?" I showed him a bag full of pearls. "I can't believe it, where did you get so many?"

"I can't tell you, sir, you know they'll shut down my business." Anyway, entering that place is a death sentence.

"Well, my girl, how much do you want for them?" he said as he took money out of his cash register.

"With that amount of pearls, I think they would be like 300." I said, that would be enough for a week, but my brother eats a lot. He's tall and very strong and robust. He eats twice or even three times as much as I do, but his job warrants it. He gave me my 300 and shook my hand.

"Have a good day, girl, take care," he said as he stroked my head.

When I go out, I set out to look for Annie. They always give me my lunch for free there, black beans with rice and shredded meat. They always give me all kinds of food, and I appreciate that more than anything. At Annie's food stand, shouts and laughter can be heard from the entrance of the square, people dancing along with peacekeepers with their families eating. I enter the tent and there is Lucía, Annie's mother. She is counting the earnings while Annie hands me an empanada. "Chama, take this, you look malnourished," she laughs as she ruffles my hair.

"Yes, yes, Annie. As if I had ever experienced malnutrition with all those delicious dishes they prepare here," I reply with a smile. She has a quite particular sense of humor, she always tells me I'm skin and bones as an excuse to give me more food than I should. But she brightens up my day every day, and more so on a day like this. She was very nervous last year because

because she was eligible for the games for the first time that year. She spent her time praying every night, and I spent the two days before at her house because she was so nervous, and we didn't sleep those nights. Luckily, she wasn't reaped, but this year she's still nervous. She thinks I don't notice, but I know her so well that I even feel like I can read her mind.

"And are you excited for the party?" Lucia comments with sarcasm in her voice. "It's starting in two hours, so get moving and get ready. Today you should be more dressed up than ever, something formal like a dress," she says while looking me up and down. She doesn't do it unpleasantly; she has the same sense of humor as her daughter and her whole family, but it's like a Hispanic tradition, laughing to keep from crying, laughing to avoid suffering.

"Oh, ma'am, you know I don't have dresses. The only one I have is my mom's, and it's from her wedding. Today I'm not getting married, you know," I reply, trying to keep the mood light. But I would never wear my mother's dress for something like the reaping; I will never in my life wear it for anything. It's the only thing that holds the memory of my mother, and you can see her personality in it: a white dress with edges that simulate waves, with open sleeves and a light blue on each edge, and very shiny. I wouldn't be able to wear it, maybe at my wedding, but I don't want to get married. That means children, and I don't want to have them just to see them die.

Annie touches my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts, and says with a contagious laugh, "Don't worry, girl, I'll lend you a dress. Remember, I'm rolling in dough and have a bunch of dresses." It's a bit true; it's just that her seafood business became popular, and they even opened a restaurant downtown. Still, they refused to leave their home here. They say they belong to the port and won't leave unless it's necessary.

"Okay, if you say so, let's see," I agree, and Annie takes me by the hand to her house. Her house is in front of the square, and it's a huge house where Annie's whole family lives: her grandparents, uncles, cousins, great-grandparents, etc. She lives on the third floor with her mom, dad, and four brothers.

We climb the stairs until we reach her room. While she searches among her dresses, she continues talking to me about the latest news from the district, trying to dispel the tension that hangs in the air.

"Did you hear that Finnick Odair has another girlfriend? She's a redhead who lives in the rich neighborhood. Finnick sure doesn't waste time with the rich," Annie comments while she fixes my hair into two ponytails.

"Well, Finnick always had a weakness for redheads." All the time I've known him, he's always had that thing for redheads. He even told me once. I remember, we were in one of the many hidden coves near my house. We were talking about how a guy was pretending to court Annie, and the topic of what kind of boy or girl we like came up.

"Annie, what kind of guy do you like?" I said while eating ice cream. I remember that at that time neither she nor I could afford such luxuries, but Finnick bought us ice cream, just because he wanted to, not expecting anything in return.

"My type of guy is tall, muscular, tanned. Mana, you know what my type is."

"Your type is Mr. Carlitos' son," Finnick said, laughing. She grabbed a handful of sand and threatened to throw it at him, but in the end, she didn't do anything.

"And you, very cool guy, what's your type? No lying, lies and you get sand in your face," Annie said. He just laughed.

"My type is girls with a tan skin, brown eyes, freckles, and who are redheads." Finnick stared at me intensely after saying that, no idea why. Annie just burst out laughing and touched my shoulder.

"And you, girl, what's your type?"

"I don't have one," I said while playing with the sand. Suddenly, I feel a piece of sand fall on my head. I turn around and see Finnick. He said to me, "L-I-A-R." I grabbed a handful of sand, and we started a sand war. I miss that. I wish we had never drifted apart.

Annie was looking at quite a few dresses, but none seemed to convince her. Finally, at the back of the closet, she pulled out a light blue dress with shell design at the bottom of the dress and with sparkles on the neckline. "This dress is made for you," she says as she hands it to me to put on. It's very beautiful, too beautiful for someone like me to wear. "You should wear it, you'll look so beautiful. You'll look like a princess," she says.

"No, girl, I can't wear this. You should wear it." After I say that, she rolls her eyes.

"It's not a question, you're going to wear it," she says without giving me a chance to say anything else. Then she turns around and grabs a small box. When I open it, I feel like crying. It was my mother's necklace. We had to sell it after my father's death, a beautiful necklace with a mermaid holding a bluish-green stone that my mother wore all the time. "Happy early birthday."

"But how did you get it?" I was sobbing as I held it in my hands.

"I paid a guy with 4 zeros the amount you sold it for," she said while laughing and hugging me. "Should I put it on you?"

I nodded, and she put the necklace on me. I couldn't stop crying. Now I have more debts to repay her; rather, I will never be able to repay her. "Girl, this looks perfect on you." I look at myself in the mirror, and yes, I actually look somewhat pretty. "You're like a mermaid; you sing very well and swim better than anyone in this district. It seems like you could live in the water perfectly." I blush slightly at her comment, and before I can say anything, she takes my hand and says, "Come on, we've talked too much and the reaping is about to start."

With the borrowed dress, we head together to the Plaza de las Flores. The music and excitement increase as we approach the heart of the event. The reaping is about to begin, and although the fear persists, Annie's company gives me the strength to face what is to come.

On the way, I met my brother. I went and hugged him, and he hugged me back with more force. He had a small bag in his hand.

"What's that, brother?" I asked curiously.

"They're tequeños. Since it's going to be your birthday, I want you to gain like 5 kilos." It's a tradition for poor people like us to feed the next birthday person until they can't eat anymore. It's like a reward for staying alive.

I was eating them when peacekeepers directed us to the lines with the other children. I was almost in the front row, and the Plaza de las Flores is enveloped in a gloomy atmosphere as the reaping ceremony begins. The sky is cloudy, casting unsettling shadows on the faces of the District 4 residents. Annie and I grip each other's hands tightly, feeling the weight of uncertainty looming over us.

The District 4 escort, with his extravagant attire, steps onto the stage. He is followed by Mags and Finnick, victors of past Hunger Games, along with the mayor. I make eye contact, and he immediately winks at me. He was always this ridiculous, always trying to flirt with all the girls in the district. I just rolled my eyes and continued paying attention to the ceremony.

Silence takes hold of the plaza as he begins to recount the history of the dark days and how these games were made to punish the districts. Every word seems like an ominous echo, resonating in my heart. When it's time to announce the female tribute, the escort starts making jokes that don't quite fit at the moment. Then he says, "Ladies first." A chill runs down my spine as he pulls out the small slip of paper. I have a bad feeling.

"This year's female tribute is…" The escort takes a moment that seems endless before saying, with a voice that cuts through the air, "Marina Fernandez."

"No, this can't be real. This is impossible. How, why?" Annie says, looking at me horrified. I feel like time stops. The stares focus on me, and a mix of resignation and terror leaves me paralyzed. My heart beats hard, and the certainty that the Hunger Games stretch before me like a dark abyss consumes me. A peacekeeper pulls me toward the stage. I don't want to go, I'm too young to die, that's what all the tributes say, but there's nothing they can do. But in that moment, I find Kai's eyes in the crowd.

My brother's gaze reflects terror and shock. The anguish on his face doesn't go unnoticed. The possibility of losing me is as real as the Arena itself. The terror grows stronger and stronger. I'm not ready to face what's coming. The Capitol cameras focus on my face, and I know that every gesture, every expression, is being scrutinized.

The escort prepares to announce the male tribute. The air becomes denser, and nervous glances are exchanged among the district residents. I feel a commotion, but I'm so stunned that I don't realize my brother is advancing toward the stage.

"This year's male tribute is…" The escort hesitates for a moment before saying, "Kenji Ishika-" Everyone turns to see my brother shouting and making his way through the crowd.

"I OFFER MYSELF AS A TRIBUTE," he said with a desperate voice.

"Boy, I think you got a little ahead of yourself. Well, it doesn't matter. Come up on stage, please."

My heart sinks. The crowd reacts in shock. The Fernandez siblings. The people in the Capitol must be moved. This is cruel, but I can't say anything, because if I do, it will be worse for us. My gaze meets Annie's, paralyzed by surprise, and in her teary eyes, I see that she knows we won't make it out of this.

The reality of the tragedy hits me hard. My brother and I, condemned to the Hunger Games. Kai advances to the stage with determination. Our eyes meet, and in that moment, I know he will do whatever it takes to protect me, and that terrifies me. We will die because of me, all because of me.

The Plaza de las Flores plunges into a sepulchral silence as the Fernandez siblings face our fate. Darkness looms over us, but amidst the tragedy, the people around us start singing a song, a song that was used in ancient times to demonstrate pride. That gives me a spark of hope, but it's just an illusion of the deadly fate that awaits me.

[mojowitchcraft]

Fave WIP Round-Up [Part 1]

Personally, I love a WIP, I love getting updates in my inbox and I love supporting and interacting with the writers as new chapters come out. So here's some of my fave WIPS that have updated recently, go show them some love! Find the rest of my WIP Recs here

Roommate Wanted by @lihhelsing [Now Complete] Rated E | Chapters: 16/16 | Words: 66k

Steve Harrington has a problem and it seems that Eddie Munson is his only solution. Nevermind that he has never met Eddie, or that he seems a little weird from what Steve can gather, Steve just needs a place to live that's cheap enough and Eddie is offering exactly that. A roommate in a one-bedroom apartment should be fine. Even if there's only one bed, right? They're never even going to meet each other since they keep opposite schedules. But Steve can't live with someone he barely knows, he has a weird curiosity about his quirky roommate. He has a genius solution and they begin to communicate through notes.

Slither by @mixsethaddams [Now Complete] Rated M | Chapters: 10/10 | Words: 71k

Eddie Munson has a reputation for using his podcast to tear apart any influencer that has the misfortune of coming into his line of fire. So when Steve Harrington, heir to a hotel fortune and king of talentless masses, pops up on his screen, it should be Eddie's easiest target yet. Right?

Better by You, Better Than Me by @palmviolet Rated M | Chapters: 35/? | Words: 182k

November 1983. Between unpaid bills, the supposedly straight jock he’s seeing, and letters from his convict dad, seventeen year old Eddie Munson’s got enough to worry about. But when Will Byers goes missing, it sparks a chain of events that will show there are more depths to Hawkins — and to certain people in it, like infamous Steve ‘The Hair’ Harrington — than he realizes. / or, the excessively long slow-burn in which Eddie is involved in the Upside Down from the very beginning.

In My Head (I See a Supercut of Us) by @kiaramori Rated E | Chapters: 13/14 | Words: 91k

"I just want him to know how I feel--and not be freaked out or anything. I don't need him to feel the same, I just want him to understand." In which Eddie accidentally makes a deal with a devil, and Steve's bisexual awakening takes him by force

as good a place to fall as any by @rewritingicarus Rated E | Chapters: 12/14 | Words: 73k

"Are you sure this doesn't look ridiculous?" says Steve, watching Eddie as he pads back behind the camera. "You definitely don't look ridiculous, man," says Eddie, shooting a few frames. "I know you probably feel it right now, because you're not used to it, but, trust me — camera loves you, dude. You look like a wet dream." or Eddie is a photographer in need of a model. Steve could do with the extra cash.

Crawling On Back To You by @rainbow-nerdss [Now Complete] Rated M | Chapters: 30/30 | Words: 109k

By anyone’s estimation, Steve shouldn’t have an opinion about Eddie one way or another, apart from the wild hair and crazed laughter which sometimes came from his lunch table in the cafeteria. But that’s only because nobody really thought all that much about anything that happened before middle school. Before Steve hit puberty, started playing sports, and most importantly, before he started hanging around with Tommy, Carol and the rest of the popular kids. Because Eddie Munson? He was Steve’s first ever friend — his best friend, really, for close to six years.

Coming Up Lavender by cairparavels [Now Complete] Not Rated | Chapters: 28/28 | Words: 68k

Steve goes to college with one thing on his mind: a new start. What he gets is the ghost of his sullied past as a roommate, forcing Steve to come to terms not only with who he once was, but who he wants to be.

Now Playing on WICR by @spinmewriteround Rated M | Chapters: 7/? | Words: 31k

A modern college AU, in which Eddie leads a double life: The Bard, a college radio DJ, by day, annoying group project partner by... other days. Both personas have loved Steve Harrington from afar for years, but when he lets his secret slip on air one day, it's up to his off the air self to prove that he means it.

Rolled a 1 on the Check, Rolled a 20 on the Save by @apuckishwit Rated T | Chapters: 30/34 | Words: 111k

A modern AU where, after his relationship with Nancy flames out in spectacular fashion, Steve finds himself feeling increasingly depressed and adrift. With nothing better to do with his time, he gives in when Dustin begs him to join his online DnD game to round out the party. To his surprise, he finds himself really enjoying it--the guy running the game is amazing, and super patient when Steve doesn't get something. He and their DM, Eddie, often find themselves talking on the games Discord server for hours after their session ends. For the first time since Nancy left him, he's starting to feel like things aren't so bleak. Still, when he has an opportunity to take Dustin and the others to the big gaming convention Eddie's planning on attending a few states away so they can all meet in person for a one-shot session, he's nervous. Really nervous. Like...way more nervous than he should be, just meeting a friend. Eddie IS just a friend...right?

Edited May 7th to note completed fics Edited Aug 3rd to note completed fics

[im-out-of-it]

season 1, episode 7 “major arcana” discussion post

1. ah, looks like Simon is trying to move on. I would celebrate but Maureen is just going to get her heart broken ☹️ someone tell Simon that clary isn’t worth it please

2. not even a minute later, and simon is out the door lmao

3. side note- I’m glad they changed Maureen from the books. the whole changing an innocent 12 year old trope- I’m sorry but no thanks. I love interview with a vampire (show) but they’re literally stuck in that age FOREVER. it’s so cruel 😭

4. maybe don’t say another woman’s name in bed Simon 😬

5. I like how Luke is surprised after all the murders and stuff, he’s getting arrested. your car was at the crime scene and they time stamped you there as well. did you think they wouldn’t suspect you at all??????? ALL THOSE MURDERS ARROUND SO YES YOU LOOK A TAD GUILTY

6. literally Simon needs clary and she’s declining his calls. bro your bestie is about to turn to his maker Camille and you’re just hanging with Jace. I get she’s trying to get the cup but clary is a terrible friend to Simon. just because she’s going through stuff, doesn’t excuse her actions. I’m sorry but it makes me mad how Simon allows clary to treat him. boy can do so much better in the friend department. bye mundane Simon, nice knowing ya

7. aw Izzy is dressing in long skirts with her hair tied back just like her mother ☹️ I hate the message of how you can’t be comfortable with your body and be a mature serious woman at the same time. like I’m not saying Izzy needs to be half dressed all the time but anytime a woman seems to be mature or serious, she’s always covered in clothes from head to toe and just seems bland. Isabelle just seems more sad now especially with cutting ties with meliorn. bye episode 1-6 Izzy, you’ll be missed but we can’t wait to see ya again

8. I do commend Izzy for stepping up though. she sees that Alec takes on a lot of responsibility so she’s just doing her part, and she doesn’t want Alec to marry if he doesn’t want to. Izzy is a much better sister in the show in my opinion. I just didn’t see much bonding in the books with Alec and Izzy (just my opinion)

9. “Slept at Magnus’s place?”- Izzy “didn’t do much sleeping”- Alec

oh is that right???????? “Magnus made cocktails, but I’m telling you nothing else happened”- Alec 😭

10. that brings me to something else. I’ve talked about Alec’s identity but what I don’t see much of is Magnus and his feelings. he hasn’t opened his heart up in centuries since Camille. so when he meets Alec, it definitely awakens him in a way. I think it is a bit sad because Magnus doesn’t want to push alec towards something he’s not comfortable with but Magnus is starting to desire seeing more of alec and stating how he knows Alec feels what he does

11. it’s a lot of risk because you never know if you’re going to get your heart broken by this person. should you do nothing and wait until they’re ready or give a little push? Alec has a hard choice to make but it can’t be easy on Magnus either. he doesn’t want to push alec too hard but he can’t help but want to be around alec. it’s difficult to crave someone’s presence but you can’t do anything about it because they aren’t ready. but I commend Magnus for not taking it too far or trying to make Alec come out (like he did in the books)

12. maybe the rare occurrence I like clary is when she slaps jace for fun. she could’ve hit harder in my opinion

13. I know this was a fake fight but this is what they should’ve done for CLACE. Clary would’ve been better off without jace. they’re both insufferable and self conceited but it’s 10000000 times worse when they’re together

14. I feel bad for Simon because he thinks he’s going to be a vampire and he’s dealing with it alone. Clary is his only friend besides Maureen but she thinks he’s on drugs so he doesn’t have anyone to turn to

15. Alec not having any of this 😭

16. I hate the demon pox reference. it reminds me of Will so I hate it. it just makes me think of how he kept singing that song about Gabriel’s trauma so no thank you

16. “can we ask Magnus bane to portal us?” well that would be awkward- Izzy. 😬 not Alec being 100000000% done for the day lmao

17. wow clary blowing Simon off for the millionth time IM SO SHOCKED

18. Alec thought Izzy was going to be the distraction, not today 😭

19. Alec: IZZY CAN YOU NOT

part 2 coming near theaters 🎭

[jpitha]

Hidden Depths 22

Awakenings 1 2 3 4Hidden Depths 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 Hidden Depths: A Side Story Hidden Depths: Another Perspective

Alia didn't actually get into her hibernation cabinet until it was installed into Superliminal and wired into place. Greylock's remotes, Alia, and Gord helped to get the cabinet wired.

After the third time Gord installed a cable upside down and Greylock had to gently remind him to check his cable orientation Gord said "I have no idea why you wanted to wait until your cabinet was installed before getting in Alia, it's all going so smoothly!"

Alia giggled. It actually was going pretty smoothly. Lucas, er - Friendly Wave was installed and running checks while his body was stowed in the AI Core. He Still looked like Lucas in the Mindspace but Alia worked hard to use his correct name.

"How does it feel Wave?" Alia asked as she saw him running tests.

"Feels pretty good actually. This model is a derivative of what I was originally, older, but I actually like it more. It seems like a lot of the issues I had with myself were introduced in the dot revisions. They should have just kept this model!"

Gord nodded while he worked. "That's how it goes. For every new model that everyone says is the Second Coming Of Sliced Bread, it's just the old model with new problems and a coat of paint."

Wave grinned. "Well this one is nice. Greylock, Alia, do you mind...if I keep it after we're done?"

Alia was surprised "You don't want to go back to your body?"

Wave shook his head. "No, I don't think I do. Things always seem...simpler when you're a ship. I like that simplicity. If having a body for 25 years has taught me anything, it's that I don't like Politics and I don't like crowds."

Alia looked at Greylock and shrugged. "Since we're not actually going to be starting a colony from scratch, we don't need defense like we were, and we now have the ability to link a beacon anywhere when we need something. I'm okay with it, but Greylock has to be okay with it too."

"I'm okay with it, Friendly Wave. Just make sure you come running when you get a beacon from us."

"Of course, Greylock. You call, I'll come."

Gord stood up from where he was crouched. Greylock's remotes stood too. "Okay Alia, you're ready. We have your cabinet wired into the AI Core directly. When you're in and connected you are Superliminal. Greylock will set the cabinet to be able to take the gee, but once you're Superliminal you'll be able to adjust it too, so be careful."

"Got it Gord." Alia ran over and gave Gord a bear hug. "Last time for a while I'll get to do this, so I had better make it count!"

Gord chuckled and returned the hub. "Won't be long at all this time. See you in the mindspace."

Alia opened the top of her cabinet and carefully climbed in. As she laid back, her head aligned with ports on the cabinet and her cybernetics connected. She blinked once and her eyes flashed blue.

"Woah. This is weird." Superliminal said through the ship's comm.

"Weird how?" Greylock asked. The lid to the hibernation cabinet started to close gently.

"Like, when I worked with Greylock, I could feel the sensors and see out of the cameras and converse with the subsystems, but now that I have my own? It's more...viceral? More direct?"

"That's how it goes." Gord said. "The ships have senses the bodies don't, the bodies have senses the ships don't." He looked around the core. Everything seemed like it was working all right. "Okay Superliminal, I'm going to go become Gordian Knot and Once I'm in, we'll meet up in Greylock's mindspace and coordinate." And he walked out.

****

Gord walked into the cargo ship and with a sigh, connected himself to the AI Core. Gordian Knot then connected into Greylock's Mindspace. Express and Resort were standing next to Superliminal talking. Friendly Wave and Greylock were looking at virtual pads, checking everything over. Gordian walked up to Superliminal "Getting the hang of things?"

"Yeah, Express and Resort are really being helpful! They've already helped me figure out how to route my reactor to the weapons batteries faster than I could have done it on my own, and they gave me some defaults to apply to the printer so I could rearm quickly." She grinned. "This is super cool."

Gordian smiled a little sadly. "I'm glad you're getting the hang of it."

Superliminal stopped and looked at Gordian. "But..."

Gordian shook his head. "No no, it's fine. We all agreed to this. But, this?" He gestured around. "This was just us before. Just AIs. Now, a human is in and playing with our toys. It's just the times are moving on and I have to catch up."

"Oh Gordian. You said so yourself I might be the last cyborg. I don't think humans are going to start wanting to be ships"

Gordian smiled thinly. "You're probably right. I'm fussing at nothing." He turned to everyone. "Okay, we've dallied long enough. Time to head back. Everyone secured?"

"We're ready to go, Gordian Knot." Express said.

"I'm in my docking cradle, reactors hot, and systems loosening up." Wave said.

"Hibernation cabinets pressurized, oriented towards the plane of thrust and secured. Our passengers are ready." Greylock said.

"Board's all green here." Superliminal answered.

"Okay then. Thrust for a combined eighteen gees on my mark."

"Mark."

Immediately, Superliminal could feel the difference. Inside the docking cradle within Grelock, She couldn't help thrust, but she felt herself get heavy, felt where down was very strongly and felt her systems warn her that this was excessive acceleration and recommend that it cease. She cleared the recommendation and...that was it.

Greylock had a harder time of it. As the thrust ramped up, someone still walking around would start to hear the whole ship creak and groan like an ancient wooden sailing ship. All of the colony supplies were well secured though; they didn't move. Greylock watched the hibernation cabinets carefully. Gord and Him had done their work well though, a few cabinets reported code yellow issues from the thrust, but no cabinets were code red and none reported any issues keeping the humans inside alive.

It seemed to Greylock that the moment he was able to relax about the colonists, his vibration sensors picked up something external to the ship failing. With a booming howl, something ripped off and was flung into interstellar space.

"Greylock! What was that?" Last Resort asked "I saw something fly by my cameras just now."

"Looking, looking. Shit. It's my communications array. I forgot to stow it and it ripped off! I can't receive laser messages now."

Gordian Knot shrugged in the Mindspace. "Too late to do anything about it now. Luckily it shouldn't be that big of a deal. We can communicate via in-system radio and link a beacon for long distance comms. Other than that, how are you holding up?"

"It's...not comfortable" Greylock said wincing. "But I'll manage. The colonists are fine, the cargo is fine, Superliminal, You and Wave are fine, now it's just a waiting game."

"Game you say?" Gordian said with a wicked grin. "I just happen to have a pile of games with me."

Express and Resort just looked at each other. Wave shook his head.

****

4 Days later, They had slowed to a stop, relative to the system they were going to. Gordian had everyone extinguish their drives and take a moment.

"Okay, let's take a quick breather here and then link over. I don't know what we're going to see when we get there, so be ready Wave and Superlimial. Stay in your cradles until we're there, and Greylock will let you out when we get there."

They nodded.

"Greylock, since we're all connected to you, and you officially have the largest wormhole generator that exists right now, would you do the honors? Here are the coordinates." Gordian flipped him over a file.

"Right you are Gordian. Inputting coordinates, and setting reactors to 300% of nominal."

Using her new senses, Superliminal was able to feel Greylock's reactor spin up, to hear the power it was generating and to see how the wormhole generator started to gently massage spacetime around them. Watching spacetime around them undulate and bend gently under the influence of the wormhole generator was beautiful.

"Navigation solution found! Power output sufficient. Batteries and Capacitors charged. Linking in 3...2..."

Without any fanfare at all, they linked over to the Joint Human/K'laxi starbase.

"What the hell is going on?" Superlimnial shouted.

Part 23

[defira85]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @elvenmother thank you!

How many works do you have on AO3? Currently 109

What's your total AO3 word count? Okay WITH THE CAVEAT that I am incapable of writing short fic or ficlets and can only write long fic and have been on AO3 since 2011.... it's 2433956. Yes that is 2.5 million words

What fandoms do you write for? Mostly computer game adjacent - Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Star Wars: The Old Republic, Baldur's Gate 3, Cinders, Critical Role, Avengers (comics verse, not movies), Once Upon a Time, Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Stardew Valley, Touchstarved

Top 5 fics by kudos? Recovery Begins (Finn/Poe), A Safe Port in a Storm (Cullen/Dorian), The Courtship of Dorian Pavus (Cullen/Dorian), The Atonement of Cullen Rutherford (Cullen/Dorian), An Empire's Ransom (Ona'la||Jedi Knight/Thexan)

5. Do you respond to comments? I had a bleak period from about 2019-2022 where I was in a black hole of depression and creativity where I wrote nothing and felt a deep shame every time I got a comment on AO3, so there are people I have never responded to, but otherwise I'm adamant about replying to EVERYONE

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Hmm. It could be Grief, a fic about Arcann observing the bounty hunter performing funeral rites for her dead husband. It might also be A Piercing Little Star, which I wrote for the DA Big Bang in 2013 about Leliana and Warden Bethany. And Ten Years Gone, about a very minor NPC couple from DA2, has a bleak ending

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I'll be honest, it's Keep Telling Me To Breathe, my Durgetash fic. Purely self indulgent ending there.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Not in a long time, but it used to happen more frequently on Deviant Art and on anonymous kink memes. People were more free about being assholes on LJ because they could do it anonymously. A few on AO3 but again, it's been awhile.

9. Do you write smut? Do I write anything BUT smut lmfao. I mean, yes I do, but I love writing smut, so...

10. Craziest crossover? I'm not much of a crossover gal, the closest I've got at the moment would be some multi-Hawke adventures that I wrote back in my DA2 days where one of my Hawkes was running around in universe with a friend's Hawke

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Touch wood but no, not to the best of my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! I've had multiple of my Dragon Age fics translated into Russian

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before? My co-conspirator @sithrightsactivist will confirm yes, and I'm basically a co-writer with @angelicfangirl on her Calli/Arcann (Swtor) fic

14. All time favourite ship? I don't know if I have one? Hnngh. I guess Ona'la/Thexan because he's essentially my OC at this point in time. I can't read other Thexan fics because I'm like, no, that's wrong, he's supposed to be married to Ona'la. And Elissa/Justice makes me feel a lot of very big emotions because I made her to be a garbage person, an outlet for a lot of my own ugly feelings and self worth issues, and yet someone actually fell in love with her and found her worth cherishing as she was and that stunned me. And Durge/Gortash, I know what I like

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Sigh. It's probably my Stardew Valley fic. Or, no matter how many times I try, my Raina Temple/Shara Jenn||Watcher Two fic (SWTOR).

16. What are your writing strengths? I write GREAT smut. And I do phenomenal worldbuilding

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I don't know when to shut up. I can't write short fic to save my life. I don't actually know how people write such tight, careful fics in such a small amount of words

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language? I did it more when I was younger and thought I was being very clever but I know enough now that I know better than to try and butcher other languages like that. I know it reads as clumsy at best to native speakers so I try to avoid it. Unless it's fictional, and then I go ham.

19. First fandom you wrote in? First? Very first? I probably wrote stories about being April O'Neill with the TMNT. I wrote about being batgirl when I was like 8. Otherwise I think it was the Wayfarer Redemption Cycle by Sara Douglass or The Belgariad by David Eddings as a teen

20. Favourite fic you've written? HOW CAN I JUST CHOOSE ONE???? Okay well I'm the most proud of Keep Telling Me To Breathe (BG3) and An Empire's Ransom (SWTOR) changed the trajectory of my life for the better. Also? I'm the only person who's written Justice romance fic, and yes, I do mean Awakenings Justice and not "inside Anders' pretty body" DA2 Justice, so I'll own that

[lostandfoundbook]

Chapter 4

Read it on AO3

Read it on Wattpad

A couple of days had passed since Alex had spoken with Everette. She wanted to get more information about the theatre back home, but right now, Alex was truly focused on preparing for her audition. She stretched her ligaments and fully relaxed all her bones as she prepped for what was to come.

She had finally been taken off all the IVs, for better or for worse, and had been put on some ibuprofen to manage her pain. The musical she was auditioning for was Spring Awakening. She wasn't all that interested in the plotline (It was about some old German play) but anything related to theatre did spark her interest.

She had her cold readings down, and she had her audition song in place. The only part she was vaguely worried about was dancing. She was never the best dancer, and she never had the money to afford professional classes. She obviously wasn't a triple threat.

The thing she was, was talented. She was an incredible actress and she really carried her performances with the way she was able to express emotions. That was perfect for the role of Spring Awakening, and Alex knew she'd ace it.

Her competition didn't look too strong, either. It was a bunch of dance students auditioning for a music heavy role. No shade towards them, but Alex was beyond equipped for this role. She was dawned in her ballet uniform (leotard, a crop top, a skirt, and some leg warmers) and was sitting with her binder full of sheets of music and character notes.

When her name was called, she walked up to the stage and introduced herself. She sang her 10 bars, and when it came time for the cold reading, she nailed it.

"What is your dance going to be?" an older man asked, eye-ing up her outfit. Alex put her hands on her hips. "A self choreographed ballet scene?"

The man shook his head no. "I teach ballet. I see too much ballet. What else do you have?" Alex frowned and paused. "I have something modern, but it doesn't really fit the musical"

The man, who Alex now knew as a teacher, waved his hand in acceptance. Alex went ahead and prepared herself mentally for the dance. It wasn't what she had been rehearsing in her head. On top of this, she hadn't performed this second dance in years.

The choreography came like muscle memory, however. She didn't mess up nearly as much as she thought she would. She was able to move her feet across the stage in a way she felt comfortable with, considering she was in ballet flats.

She was able to display her capabilities in regards to dancing, and what she brought to the table in regards to the musical.

"Alright. We've seen enough. Thank you"

Alex felt her heart drop to her stomach. She didn't even get to make it all the way through her routine before she was cut short. This didn't feel right. "I'm sorry, I could do a different routine if you'd like"

"No, we've seen plenty. Thank you"

Alex nodded and walked off stage, grasping her hands together in anxiety.

When she made it back to her room, all she could do was scream into her pillow. What did she do wrong? She definitely wasn't getting a call-back. "This sucks!" she screamed out, seemingly into the void.

After that, there was a small knock on the door. Avery peeped her head into the room, meekly waving. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I think I flunked my audition, though. It just sucks. Sorry for yelling."

Avery ushered her way towards the end of Alex's bed and sat on the end. She had finally gotten that queen bed Oliver had been talking about. "Listen, sometimes they're just really strict. They have a lot of people to get through"

Alex pursed her lips together. "I don't know....I've never been told that they've seen plenty before"

Avery crossed her arms. "Maybe they wanted to pick you then and there"

Alex scoffed. "Yeah, right. I tried to do my original routine I had planned, and he told me he had seen enough before I even began." She laid her hands in her lap in a drawn out manner.

"We do have a prestigious dance academy linked with our theatre programs. Maybe that's what he meant?"

Alex put a hand on Avery's shoulder. "Listen, you're kind, but I really don't think I'm gonna get the role. It's life, I guess. It just sucks because it means I'll have to wait at least an entire month before I can get back in the game."

Avery nodded. "I'm sorry, Alex"

She nodded in return, a soft smile on her face.

There was another knock on the door, this time with Oliver making his way in.

"Is this just the hub for everyone to hang out in?" Alex joked, poking fun at Oliver. "Well, It's a very nice room. It generally cost 14 thousand"

Alex tossed her head back. "And I'M gonna have to repay that one day?"

"If you get the role, you'll pay it back in no time"

Alex grumbled at the idea. So that's a month, plus rent. Nice. "I'm totally not getting the role."

"Yeah" Avery added in, trying to be supportive.

"That's not what I heard." Oliver said, crossing his arms. He had a smug look on his face.

"Well? Spit it out, rich boy."

Oliver frowned at that comment. "Well now I don't want to"

"Oh come on, you're rich, just tell me what you heard" she smirked as she spoke. The two really were at complete opposite ends of the spectrum from each other. 

Oliver shook his head in annoyance and sighed. "I heard you're a high contender for the lead role. You think too lowly of yourself sometimes. The audition wasn't bad."

"You literally weren't there"

Oliver raised an eyebrow. "No, but I've read the notes. You performed a song from RENT and did a solid cold reading."

"Yeah. And I bombed my dance"

Oliver fixated his eyes on Alex before rolling his eyes. "Again. Too hard on yourself. One of the people there wasn't a fan of the style, but they all said you were objectively a good dancer. You just need a few classes"

Alex groaned. "I know! It's not like I can afford them with the 14 thousand dollar room price! You really set me up for failure."

"I set you up somewhere close to where my rooms at."

Alex tossed a pillow over her face and continued her protest. "And you can't live in a different room for a month?"

Oliver walked over towards the end of Alex's bed and sat next to Avery. "You'll be fine. How'd your meeting with Everette go, anyway? You decompress enough yet?"

"Oh!" Alex responded, shooting straight up in her bed. "That was really interesting, actually. We're dating, I think. I don't know. He used a lot of past tense language but kept acting like it was a current thing. But, I've been gone for a month. I don't know."

Oliver sighed. "About the case?"

"He wouldn't talk. I know he knows something though."

"Oh?" Oliver asked, prompting more information from the blonde girl. It was like she was playing a game with him. She had information that he didn't, for once.

"It's the way he looked at me."

Oliver's eyebrows raised as he took in the information, gaining a look of his own. One of understanding. "That makes sense. Did he say anything in particular?"

She shook her head side to side. "He said I should already know."

"You told him you were injured?" Avery added in, her hand reaching on the edge of the bed as she did so, as if to remind the both of them that she was still there. "Yeah, he knew. He was deliberately trying to avoid saying what happened."

"That's weird." Oliver included. 

"But we were being watched. He probably didn't want to get caught, or something similar to that effect. I understand why he didn't want to talk. What I don't understand is why we were breaking into the hotel."

Oliver released a breath of air he didn't know he was holding, and Avery and Alex exchanged a glance. "Do you think you can trust him?" the ginger girl eventually asked. 

"I don't know, but I don't think I want to worry about that, right now. I have to deal with this call-back situation" Alex said with finality, tossing herself backwards into the bed. "Don't worry" Avery replied, bouncing as Alex shot downwards into her pillows. 

"How can I not? I hate waiting. I'm such an impatient person."

Oliver raised a single eyebrow at Alex. "And how are you going to deal with the hurry-up-and-wait of musical theatre if you're so impatient? I truly don't understand you, sometimes."

"It's completely different when you're already apart of the production. When I'm waiting for call-backs, I'm a big bundle of nerves I have to suppress. If I don't, I might have a breakdown. When I'm waiting for a production, it's like I'm waiting with purpose. I have a reason to waste my time."

Avery gave her a solemn 'Mmm' of agreement before the conversation slowly died down from there.

* * *

Alex actually got the call back. Currently, she was sat back in the theatre, watching everyone else perform. One girl was singing some song from the musical, while two other people were lined up behind her. Alex had already done her piece, and was waiting for the director to make his call. They were on the last few people in the call back, and Alex could feel her anticipation rise.

"Alright. Everyone, we've come to a conclusion."

The few murmurs that existed in the room came to a silent halt as they all awaited the directors next response. "Our leads will be Alexandria and Brandon, our other named roles will be casted as Elijah, Julia, Dex, and Scott, and our ensemble will be posted outside. Thank you for coming."

"Yes!" Alex quietly said, fist pumping to herself. The previous murmuring turned into properly loud-talking crowd, and a couple of crying people could be heard in the crowd. "Okay, okay, everyone settle down and get out. We need the space. Everyone casted, meet me backstage. We start immediately."

Alex paused. "Like, right now?"

"Immediately!" the director responded, louder this time.

Alex grimaced at that, and picked up everything she brought with her, a water bottle, her bag, and a binder. She quickly hauled ass to the backstage area. She wasn't keen on making bad first (Or in this case, second) impressions.

The rest of the cast slowly made their way in as the ensemble members checked for their roles. There were a lot of excited faces, and while Alex was excited-- she was also nervous. She'd never done theatre with anybody this high class before.

This was the closest you could get to going on Broadway without actually being ON Broadway, and Alex was here. The thought made her tingle with joy. Any doubts she had about her life before were quelled. She really did make it.

"Alright. I need everyone to learn this dance. You need to have it down by the end of next week so that we can begin piecing together this musical."

The cast all nodded in agreement, everyone terrified to respond verbally. It was a group of about 28 people, all of them under the age of 30 but older than 19. "You" The director said, pointing towards Brandon. "You know ballet?"

"Yes"

"You'll be carrying her." The director then pointed towards Alex. "Wait-- carrying?" She responded, a hint of worry in her voice.

"I haven't done a lift since I was a child" Brandon added

"Then you'll learn! Show me what you know"

In a week? She wasn't sure if anyone else could learn that fast, but she knew SHE could. Alex was hesitant but she quickly gave space for her to be able to run towards Brandon. She gave him a nod that said 'Lift me' and started sprinting.

When she jumped into his arms, her legs splayed properly. She didn't think she could do it, but her form was perfect. Brandon, however, couldn't keep the hold and stumbled over his own two feet, dropping Alex in the process. She landed right on top of him.

"Terrible. Alright. You" The director pointed towards the other cast mates and started to give them their first lessons as well. In the mean time Alex stood up and brushed the dust off of herself. She took this slight free time to stop and get to know her new acting partner. "Hi, I'm Alex" She stuck her hand out to shake.

"I know! I mean. I'm a fan of your music." Brandon replied, taking her hand and shaking it. "I can't believe we're really here!" he added, smiling.

"Yeah! I never really thought I'd be able to get a role here, but my luck has really turned these past couple of weeks."

"I saw, you were in the news!"

Alex's eyes nearly popped out of her head at that comment. "Wait, the news?! I didn't know that! Uhg. I really am a PR nightmare!"

Brandon let out a small laugh before shaking his head. "It wasn't bad. Most people are just wondering where you are. It makes sense though. They're going to lose their minds when they see you on stage! It was really smart of you to sort of go on hiatus and come back with this"

Alex nodded, running with his narrative. "Right! I thought, I haven't done theatre in awhile. Why not return? It's my own Ariana Grande moment"

Brandon shook his head aggressively, seemingly happy by this idea "It's really good! People would freak out, anyway."

"Yeah... It's gonna be really hard to explain."

"You two!" the director snapped, pointed towards the pair "Read out scene one for me!"

From there, rehearsals went as they normally did. They acted out a few scenes, read through the first act of the musical, and scheduled to return the day after. All in all, it lasted about 2 hours. They had a day off to prepare and learn their scenes. Alex made her way back to her room, binder and in hand.

"Hey, Alex?" A girl called, waving from across the room. "Uhm. Hi!" Alex walked over to where the girl was standing, and repositioned her binder. "Who are you?"

"I'm Julia, I play Ilse. I wanted to know if you had gotten invited to the cast group chat? Everyone was too scared to ask you."

"Oh!" Alex practically facepalmed herself. Of course she intimidated people. She did that before she had celebrity status. She had already taken a couple photos with Brandon, but nobody else approached her. "No, I wasn't invited, thanks."

"Here, you can just add your number and it'll add you" Julia handed Alex her phone before crossing her arms behind her back. "Also. I hate to be that person, but could I get a photo?"

Alex was mid typing her number in when she stopped and smiled "You know, you're the first person to ask me that! Of course" She had kind of been dreaming of this moment. She finished typing in her number and quickly skipped over to the camera app. She handed the phone back to Julia and smiled.

"Here!" she said, positioning for a selfie. The two stood side by side.

"Just... don't post the location. I'm waiting for show day to come back"

Julia nodded, smiled, and quickly ran off with the rest of her friends. Alex kind of had no choice but to explain where she had been the past couple of weeks. It would take a lot of planning to ease her fan base into the idea of her being a trusted member of the Haven Industries. 

There was a lot of turmoil between her fanbase and his, and she knew this. An announcement of her joining one of his productions would cause an all out fan war, one of which she couldn't handle at the moment. 

She made her way back to her room in a hurried pace, looking through all the photos she'd taken throughout the day. She'd always taken tons of photos. She needed photographs to memorialize her events so that she wouldn't forget the times she'd had. 

She'd met so many new people. She was really excited to get to know everyone, and make friends with all the cast members that she'd get the chance to know over the coming weeks. Alex was a very social person, and she was very limited to the people she could meet while at the hotel.

Of course, she could always go out into the foyer and meet new people, but she was so awkward and clunky, and honestly, she was more interested in getting to know people who had the same interests as she did. That's why she was so hyped about the theatre.

Something that always loomed in the background of her thoughts, however, was the lingering need to consume. Consume what? Your guess was just about as good as Alex's. She just felt like she had this massive hole in her life that she needed to fill. 

She couldn't pinpoint where in her body this need came from. There was no single source that told her what she needed to fix, or how to go about such a thing, but she knew she was craving something. 

she felt like up until this point, life had tried to hold her back from whatever she really wanted to pursue. Whether it was her parents or her boyfriends, something was always in her way. Always blocking her from being able to properly grow.

Something had changed, however. Like a veil lifting on her life, raising just enough for her to see the light behind it. 

As she made her way into her room, she shut her bedroom door behind her and quickly stripped off all of her theatre get up. She changed into whatever clothes she had tossed onto her floor and she quickly made her way back to her journal. She pulled it out and looked through some of the entries she had written.

She flipped all the way to the back of the journal and penned a message to herself for when she reached the end of the book, and flipped back to where she was before. She began writing about her day, and generally using it as a diary. 

When all words failed her, the one thing she could be left to was her journal. She found herself sitting there for over an hour just pen to paper, letting her emotions escape her thoughts. Despite the time that had passed, she hadn't filled up that many pages. Four or five of them.

The note she wrote herself in the back of the book? "This year is going to be an amazing year. Make it count."

[fruit-of-infidelity]

♱ DIABOLIK LOVERS: Haunted Dark Bridal ー Sakamaki Ryuuto | Ecstasy 10 ♱

⌜ Scene: Sakamaki Entrance Hall ⌟

Yui: ( Cordelia, you shouldn’t be here! )

( This place… You know it’s dangerous, don’t you? If you get this body into trouble, it’s not only you at risk, it’s me as well!! )

( Besides, I thought you made a promise to Ryuuto-san!? )

I did no such thing.

His begging satisfied me for a little while, that’s true, but I’ve grown bored since then. What better an excuse to pay this place a visit?

And, now that I am here…

ー She walks around the entrance hall. ー

Wherever has everyone run off to?

???: Oi.

ー Ayato appears in front of her suddenly. ー

Yui: Ayato, what a pleasant surprise.

Ayato: So, looks like you’ve come crawlin’ back finally? Realised that Ryuuto guy couldn’t satisfy you or somethinーー Huh!?

Yui: Fufufu…

Ayato: Wait a sec’… That scent…

Yui: Hm? Figured it out yet?

Ayato: Kc…!!

Che!

ー He moves back quickly. ー

How the hell…!?

How the fuck are you back here, you bitch? Was it those assholes across the lake!? Those bastard did this, didn’t they!?

Yui: Immediately with the accusations? Nfufu.

I didn’t exactly expect a warm welcome from you, but aren’t you the least bit happy to see me again? After all these years apart?

Ayato: Pah! As if.

No one wants you here, so why the hell have you shown up? In this chick’s body, too… What sorta witchcraft’s Richter been up to?

You’re supposed to be dead.

Yui: Please don’t sound so disappointed.

???: Mother? Is it really you?

ー Kanato appears beside Ayato. ー

Yui: My little songbird〜 I was beginning to wonder if you would come to say hello?

Kanato: You’re not bluffing about this? Have you truly come back? Even after, with my own eyes, I saw you…

I don’t understand how…

Ayato: Oi, Kanato, stay back, yeah?

Yui: Why so hostile? If anything, the one who shouldn’t be trustworthy is you. I haven’t done anything for you to get so defensive, after all.

Is this the sort of reception I – your Mother – is deserving of?

And… more importantly, what of Laito? This wouldn’t be our first reunion, but surely, by now, he would have shown his face?

I’m quite hurt, nfu.

ー Behind her, a voice chimes in. ー

???: Not the first, but let’s hope the last.

ー Laito finally makes himself known. ー

Yui: Don’t be like that, Laito. Not when I have every intention to stay.

( All three of them! Cordelia, you’re really backing us into a corner, being here… )

Kanato: What do you mean by not the first reunion?

Yui: Oh〜? Hasn’t he told you?

We met up not too long ago at your Academy. My scent was a tip-off. That’s why I’m surprised Ayato didn’t realise who I was straight away.

Ayato: Forget “reunions”… How the hell’re you back?

Kanato: If I had to guess, it would be something to do with those people, right?

Laito: Richter and Ryuuto, that’s the obvious answer. Where else would a snake like you be hiding out, if not with those poor mice?

I wonder when you’ll finally stop playing around and devour them?

Yui: You’ve always had a keen nose, haven’t you〜?

( W-Wait, by that… You can’t mean… )

Aren’t I so lucky to have those two boys wrapped around my finger, though? Without them, you three might have gotten rid of me for good.

Kanato: That still doesn’t explain it all. You definitely… passed.

Yui: My old body was dead, yes. It’s a long story, though, if you want the details.

Say… Won’t you all be so kind as to invite me in properly, and maybe we can discuss it over some tea? What do you say, hmm?

Ayato: Not a chance.

Yui: ( Please turn back while you can, Cordelia… I’m scared, being here… )

That’s just too bad, isn’t it? When this body is mine, after all.

Just hurry up and disappear, instead of ordering me around.

Kanato: …!?

Laito: …So, even now, that human is still deep down inside you?

I suppose no one here should be overly surprised by that; She’s survived the awakening this long, after all, hasn’t she?

Ayato: Eh? That chick, you reckon so?

Laito: It’s a shame we didn’t get to explore such an interesting Bitch-chan ourselves. Or to kill her, to save ourselves this trouble…

Yui: ( “Kill her, to save ourselves this trouble”… )

…Oh well, there’s no point dwelling on someone who will soon not exist.

Unless? If you have something to say to these people, I’m happy to be the messenger. Although, would you really disappoint Ryuuto like that?

━─┉┈◈ Selection ◈┈┉─━

　　❈  Kill me! (S)

Yui: ( If this is my only shot… Tell themーー )

( To kill me! )

( That’s right! If you do that… I won’t have to live like this! )

Ufufu! Good job, you’ve given her the most stupid idea!

Laito: Nfu? Let me guess, to kill her?

That can be arranged.

Yui: I think she has totally lost her mind, you know. She’s fading, quickly.

( Please...! Someone, help me! )

　　❈  I can’t… (M)

Yui: ( Even though I hate living as an onlooker in this body… )

( I just can’t do that… I can’t asked to be saved by these people, the ones Ryuuto-san seems to hate so much… )

Nfu? Even if, at this rate, you’ll completely die?

Kanato: It’s too late for that bride, then?

Yui: Precisely.

And it finally appears she’s come to that realisation, too.

( There has to be some other way out… Right? )

━━─┉┈┈◈◉◈┈┈┉─━━

Ayato: So what? Soon you’re gonna have full control of that body? Is that supposed to scare us or somethin’?

Yui: However you feel about it, just know one thing…

I haven’t forgotten what you three put me through, trying to end my life. I don’t think I ever will, either… nor am I so willing to forgive it.

Laito: Is that your promise to return the favour?

Yui: Who can say?

Maybe I won’t be the one delivering the final blow, if at all?

There’s Richter, and Ryuuto, of course… Although, who’s to say Karlheinz himself won’t do so? I’m sure he could…

Ayato: Tsk, don’t mention that bastard’s name ‘round here…

Yui: Fufu… You should watch your words, Ayato.

After all, if things do go my way… Maybe I could be convinced to keep you alive, but certainly not if you’re going to have that attitude.

Laito: My, my… If all you came here hoping to do is frighten us, I’m sorry to disappoint, nfu.

Kanato: Yes, I think it is time for you to leave, don’t you?

Yui: You're breaking my heart. What a shame〜

Being escorted out of my own home like this this too… I would never have thought it. For now, I don’t mind going along with it, though.

( They might’ve been my last chance… )

You know, even that girl was expecting a bit more hospitality from you.

Ayato: Go back down whatever hole you crawled out of, why don’t you?

‘N take that Richter and Ryuuto with you… Your kind isn’t welcome around here; If you come back, we’ll happily kill you again.

Laito: … …

⌜ Monologue ⌟

I wanted to cry out for salvation from those Ryuuto-san despises the very most,

In my most desperate moments.

Shame should be the least of my concerns…

For all of me belongs to Cordelia, inside and out;

I’m not “me” anymore, no matter how hard I try to believe it,

Rationalising how it was my wedding, not hers, where I vowed to be his;

Vowing that my life – and my death (死) – was Ryuuto-san’s alone.

I wonder if I manage to expel Cordelia somehow…

Or when I finally wither away…

Who would Ryuuto-san willing follow to the grave (墓) first?

✥ TO BE CONTINUED ✥

─────── ≪ °♛° ≫ ───────

←  [ ✥ Ecstasy 09 ✥ ] ⎥ [ ✥ Ecstasy Epilogue ✥ ]  →

[enamamesan]

Anyone remember that one mini arc “Kintama”?. No, not that Kintama;

THIS.

THIS LESS THAN 5 MINUTE PIECE OF ART. HAD ME HOOKED.

14 year old me watching this for the first time awakened something within me. The silliness, the angst, THE DRAMA??

It may be short, but the second part to all of this was literally everything one could ask for in a drama. PERIOD.

That one Zura scene? Gold.

The Sacchan bit? An eye opener.

It was novel. It was bold and brash. Absolutely Brilliant. Best bonus content in the series along with Ginpachi-sensei, Catherine Lupin Parody (YES I KNOW AND I LOVED IT.), Dark Shogun Ieyasu and definitely better than the-

sorry i had to gag for a minute.

THE TRASH THEY PLAYED BEFORE THE OTSUU FAN CLUB ARC. the skip 10 seconds button had never been more CLICKABLE during those agonising minutes.

Joui War spinoff? NAHHH KINTAMA 1.0 SPINOFF IS THE WAY TO GO 👏👏.

Or at least some sort of adaptation. Like a fanfic 👀. If this already exists, please.

👹SEND LINK👹.

IN CONCLUSION: The redesigns? Gorgeous. Breathtaking. and you know what? 💳💥💳💥💳💥💳 take my money. anything.

I said my piece. That’s all.

[whatsupwither]

#10 I've Matured

It's been way past a year since I last posted here... A lot has happened and changes about me. I feel like this year, I discovered a lot about myself. I would like to make this post some sort of a closed chapter in regards to Ian and most definitely Jeremy. I won't be mentioning either two in my upcoming posts/rants anymore unless it's absolutely relevant. I found out that Ian got a girlfriend not long after my previous post. For some reason he still decided to talk to me afterwards which I turned down very quickly because I am a girl's girl. We stopped talking then and there. He very recently started contacting me again on Instagram (He deleted his old instagram so I didn't know if he was alive or dead tbh...) He followed me again and dmed me asking me how I was. I had a feeling he broke up.. that's why he is contacting me again. and I was right. I was probably the first girl he contacted after the break up. I feel so fucking easy at that moment so I decided to be very one worded with my responses and not engage too much. So that's that. Jeremy... is a bit trickier. We're still training together. turns out a lot of people thinks we're very close together. That is very annoying. I would like to highlight though that I don't like Jeremy the way I thought I do. Apparently... I just really want to sleep with him and its not because I find him hot... I just wanted to the validation, the proof that he is actually into me. After further evaluation... that's how I feel about most men. That's why I tend to lose interest the moment they like me back because I never cared about a relationship or having a boyfriend... I just wanted to know if I can bagged the guy or not. I love challenges and apparently, that's how I view most men. A challenge. That's why although I'm on dating apps, I don't message most of my matches because I just wanted to know if they would like me back. I had a very awakening talk with my friend. He was in his first relationship (He's older than me just by a few years). It didn't last long, they broke up after 3-4 months... maybe less. I asked him why and all that. He told me that before dating, he really wanted a girlfriend and that he thought that it was what he was missing in his life. After getting one, it was all good and peachy at first, sure... but He started realizing he doesn't need her. It wasn't that she's not enough or that she did something (or didn't do anything). He just realized he liked it better when he was single and that adding a girlfriend into his life was just not something he thought he needed anymore. She would ask him about his day and he realized, he doesn't need someone to ask him about his day... or that she would try and feed him... he doesn't need that as well.... or she would ask if he has eaten yet... and again... he doesn't need that. He has friends he can talk to, he has hobbies to kill his time, he has his work he pour his everything towards.... most part of his life he thought he needed to fill with a girlfriend... turns out has been filled.

That made me wonder about my own situation. I've graduated last August, I landed an internship before I even graduated and was offered a one year contract after 2 months of interning. Now I have a full time job that I love and look forward to, I have a hobby that I do almost everyday, if I'm not at work or fighting someone, I am at the gym working out, I have my friends and community whom I love and fullfill most of my social aspect. Do I really need a boyfriend...? and if I do.... what for? for sex? I can handle that myself and to be quite frank... do you really need a boyfriend for that?

[keefwho]

July 15 - 2023 Saturday

8:40 AM

I barely remember a dream where I was being complimented by old ladies for being such a nice young man. Thats one of my favorite feelings in the world. 

Last night’s party was AMAZING, solid 8.5/10 which is very good to me. I didn’t expect it to be better than last year’s party. So many people showed up just for me and that felt nice. We basically just hopped wherever I wanted to go which was a few worlds I had in my favorites. Too much fun was had just fucking around. 

Today I’m trying to change my perspective a little bit. I’m okay doing a lot of things by myself as long as I have someone to come back to and share it with. Thats what friends in general are for. I’m someone that wants to share good things with someone always. I’ve always been like this. Sometimes when I’m having too much fun alone, I stop and think who I could include in this. Usually it’s no one so I either stop for some reason or I just try to enjoy it anyways. At this time, I have someone to report all the good things back to so no matter what I do, I want to enjoy it so I can report it back later. 

10:29 AM

I’ve been kinda stunlocked. I keep seeing videos of people out and about and I’m just jealous. I wish I had a normal life sometimes. I hate living where I am. But I don’t want to farm pity about it. I’m doing what I can. Someday my situation will change for the better. 

Its hard for me to focus or do anything when I really want something that I can’t have. I can’t stop thinking about it but I gotta.

2:42 PM

I’m really trying to watch my thinking but I did get on a sort of tangent in the shower that I honestly don’t remember much of at this point. I do think one thing though, I want to focus my attention on one issue at a time because I find myself trying to manage every issue at once and how they relate to one another. Figuring out what to focus on is a matter of pre-requisites. Finding and accepting the kind of love I need for instance would require me to be more in touch with who I am, which seems to be at the core of a lot of things. I can’t truly operate without knowing my own identity. I’ve been thinking the first thing to go hard at is to regain my self perspective. I know what it’s like to “wake up” and remember who I am and my relation to all my memories. I want to get in touch with that and make that more constant. Without that it feels like I’m behaving like a robot or conforming to a character, not acting authentically. 

4:30 PM

Earlier while I was idling in VRchat while working on my world, someone asked me what I like to do in my spare time. It’s one of those questions that instantly re-awakens me to the fact that I don’t know what I like and how constantly scary it is to be in this state of not-knowing. 

I’ve been having this thing where I see more socially active furries posting about their daily life and achievements and they get a bunch of likes/friends supporting them. My twitter is just dead and makes me feel like I don’t matter sometimes because my friends don’t interact with it. Also I perceive these other furries to be part of larger social circles because they actually participate in discourse. I don’t know how to be a part of this though. 

5:49 PM

SMALL exercise that directly applies to my current feelings. 

To begin this exercise, first bring to mind an upsetting thought that takes the form ‘I am X’, for example, ‘I am dumb’, ‘I am such a loser’ or ‘I’m so incompetent.’ Preferably pick a thought that often recurs and that usually bothers or upsets you when it does. Now hold that thought in your mind and believe it as much as you can. Focus on it for several seconds. Notice how it affects you.

“My friend doesn’t like me very much.”

It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I might have become too attached and am being led on but I’m so desperate for attention that I stay despite believing that they only keep me around so they don’t hurt me or maybe they want something out of me. 

Now take that thought and, in front of it, insert this phrase: ‘I’m having the thought that...’ Now run that thought again, this time with the phrase attached. Think to yourself, ‘I’m having the thought that I am X.’ Notice what happens.

“I’m having the thought that my friend doesn’t like me very much.”

It isn’t very strong but the addition of those words puts distance from the thought. Whereas before it felt true like I was appraising a real thing, recognizing it as a thought rips it from the real world and puts it back into my head. It’s just a way of re-phrasing things to be more “true.” Stating my thoughts straight up is technically lying, or could be since I might not be correct. It’s at least more accurate to announce my thoughts AS thoughts. 

11:50 PM

I HATE TALKING TO MYSELF but I want to learn to tolerate it. I hide from myself because past me was cringe and I worry current me is cringe too, or at least not living up to my own expectations. I fear that I do weird things or behave abnormally in a way where if I got perspective on myself, I’d be very unsettled by it and would realize I have to change a lot. But part of changing anything is appraising it first. Part of that comes from observing my own memories with the realization that the me I am now was also there then. Things happened that I experienced. I made decisions that affected me and those around me. I am a person like everyone else and always was. 

Anyways today I woke up without feeling like total ass so my pre-prepped dinner and staying hydrated last night made sure I avoided a hangover of sorts. I was surprised how okay I felt today actually. Earlier I was unsure of what to do and started to overthink like usual but I buckled down and worked on my world for just a little bit while hanging out in VRC. Unfortunately as usual I did not do much to report, I wasn’t very captivated by much today. I had a pretty good nut while blowing myself. I did a nice little doodle that turned out to have some weird body proportions that I somehow missed while making it but I did go pretty fast. I watched Twitch like usual in my down time while trying to think of something more meaningful to do. This evening I hung out with Daisy in VC while she sculpted a mini version of her fursuit head for reference. I played Mother 3 again finally and got re-oriented into the game. I’m on the road to finishing it finally. 

Maybe I don’t like writing about my day because I barely have anything meaningful to write about. I don’t care about the boring mundane stuff I did. I want to report what I’m proud of and what was eventful. That isn’t much though which is what I’m trying to work on. 

I also wish I didn’t pollute these journal entries with all my rants and stuff. Maybe I could make a second, more public journal that is actually just a recount of my days and what is important to me.