#10-year-old me: this better not awaken anything in me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

featguler · 11 months ago

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Heyyyy could you do anything for Rodrygo?

all we've been talkin' about────── the millionth morning after with rodrygo.

♡ ────── pairing : rodrygo goes x reader ♡ ────── tags : reader's gender, ethnicity, nationality, and appearance is not specified. reader lives in brazil and has known rodrygo for a while. situationship!rodrygo goes LOL sorry... it also gets a bit heated towards the end. ♡ ────── wordcount : 809 ♡ ────── notes : "could you do anything for rodrygo?" YES. absolutely YES. thank you so much for rqing! i tried looking for one-shots for him for reference and found none!? crazy. i love him sm. i hope you enjoy this anon mwah. this is lightly based on better by khalid and 'tis the damn season by taylor swift, but as always, just in general nothing too specific ♡ masterlist.

Every once in a while, Rodrygo goes back home to Brazil.

He seems like he has found a new home in Spain—he has shinier friends there, a shinier career. You see him through the screens of your television when you have the time; you’ve got a life here in Brazil too, after all, though not as polished as his, 10 hours away.

It seems like you two live through completely separate lives—you are never quite as interested as he is in the fame, and the glory, and the spotlight. When you don’t step out of your comfort zone, everything feels so easy and freeing.

You do miss him, though. Sometimes. You try not to wonder if he misses you too.

“You were awake?”

The grogginess in your voice pulls a smile from his lips, and he leans in to place a kiss on your bare shoulder. You awaken to his hot breath against your face, his face shadowed by the sunlight from your window.

“For a good while, yeah.”

“You waited long?”

You don’t like telling your friends that you have Rodrygo Goes wrapped around your fingers every time his feet land upon your city; when your family asks, you tend to avoid the question too by mentioning another one of his stark performances.

“Not long enough,” he chuckles, leaning back to his original position, his hand rubbing the spot where his lips had sloppily left a peck, slithering down your body to intertwine your fingers together.

You furrow your eyebrows, mind still fuzzy from your rest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” he laughs this time, throwing his head back.

Your mother insists always that you start dating the winger—it’s safe money, she had mentioned, and she was right. Dating Rodrygo would offer a safe life, marrying him would guarantee it.

But at 23 years old, he doesn’t look like he will settle down anytime soon. You? Well, you think that despite the little bubble you are living in, life goes beyond marrying for financial security.

Life is what you make of it, after all. And letting your friend kiss you in places friends should not see is what you make of it.

It’s what gives you the thrill—that sense of self-pity you have for yourself whenever he would leave and be rumoured with yet another different person; the pride and arrogance whenever he strides back into your arms.

You watch his eyes and the gentle curve of his lips, that you lean up to peck after a few seconds.

In response, he leans to kiss you. And then again. And again. And again. His hand reaches to the small of your back, pulling you closer, pressing your body against each other.

“Damn,” he pulls away just as the heat rises, his thumb tracing imaginary shapes on your skin. “Goddamn.”

You laugh. “Thank you, thank you.”

He joins in, trying to pull you in even closer to him.

“Hey.”

He says your name, somehow even sweeter than anyone else has.

“Yeah?” You snuggle down to his arm, pressing your cheek against his chest.

“I wonder at what point would it be okay for me to say ‘I love you’.”

He looks down at you, and for a moment, a strange silence seeps among you two. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs, looking off for a moment, to the door leading to your bathroom, before looking back at you. “But I feel like I love you.”

You blink up—a part of you feels like you should have given a more avid response to his strange question, but the flow of the conversation is so natural that you being just you seens like the right move.

“I don’t want a relationship.”

At your answer, Rodrygo laughs. He wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head.

“I’m not asking for a relationship,” he shakes his head, still chuckling. “I’m just saying, I love you.”

“Yeah?” You giggle alongside him. “My charm even wards off all those shiny people you met in Madrid?”

“Oh baby,” he sighs, tracing his hand on the back of your neck. “Madrid has got nothing on you, no one there got a thing.”

You roll your eyes, shifting to find a more comfortable position. “Big words, Rodrygo. And you expect me to believe that?”

Rodrygo hums for a moment. “Maybe not. Just that I love you.”

“Stop saying that,” you whine.

“You don’t have to say it back,” he raises an eyebrow, as though defending himself.

“I’m not gonna.” You raise a hand to the base of his neck and pull him closer, close enough for your lips to reach his.

Through the kiss, you feel his lips curving into a smile.

Spain or Brazil, through fame and glory, something inside of you supposes that he misses you too sometimes.

#໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა : 𝑬𝑼𝑷𝑯𝑶𝑹𝑰𝑨 𝑺𝑶𝑳𝑨𝑹𝑰𝑨 #rodrygo #rodrygo goes #rodrygo x reader #rodrygo goes x reader #real madrid #real madrid x reader #real madrid fic #football #football x reader #one-shot

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blueskittlesart · 2 years ago

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how do u play zelda games... or are u just very familiar w the lore without having played all of them? i only have a switch and have played botw and totk it's the only console i've ever had and i'd like to play more games like ocarina of time and wind waker and majoras mask but idk how to access them and also. expensive 😭

i've played every game I talk about on here! I try not to talk about ones i havent played bc i don't have a full understanding of them lol. for me it's been about 10 years since I started playing zelda games so I've had some time to get this many under my belt but I can definitely recommend some good games & methods for new players!

since you said you only have a switch, i'll start with legal ways to get older zelda games on the switch. many of these will be expensive and arent actually the method i recommend to play them but. for the sake of being thorough. im gonna mention them.

skyward sword HD remake (highly recommend!!) this game would probably be a pretty good starting point after botw and the remake is notably easier to play than the original. it is $60 tho when the original game was $30. so

NES and SNES virtual consoles which are free with a nintendo online subscription have the original zelda, zelda II, and a link to the past on them. as a new player i wouldnt SUPER recommend any of these but alttp is definitely worth it if you DO end up liking some of the more modern games in the series.

the dreaded n64 virtual console has oot on it but im just straight up gonna tell you not to buy that shit. oot is a must play but there are millions of better ways to play it

the fucking $60 links awakening remaster. don't buy this

the way I personally played most of my games is either via console or hacked console. if you're willing to invest in a secondhand wii to hack you can emulate basically any console that came before it, including the n64 for oot and the gamecube for wind waker. if you're willing to invest in OR you have an old 3ds lying around (preferably that hasnt been updated recently but you can get around that) you can hack it to play GB/GBA/DS/3DS games, which includes link's awakening, minish cap, albw, oot 3d, and majora's mask 3d!

if you're looking for a COMPLETELY free option, my next suggestion is emulation. you want a decent PC to be able to run most of this shit without speed drops, and some newer consoles won't run perfectly no matter what. wii games especially are really dicey because of their reliance on motion control so there's not a lot of emulators out there for them.

for anything before the N64 (majora & any game released before it) I recommend the MAME vintage game emulator. this thing was originally built for arcade games but runs a lot of vintage consoles pretty well too and is generally intuitive and user-friendly.

Visual Boy Advance is a good option for GBA games (link's awakening, 4 swords, minish cap, oracle games.) these may also work on MAME

Desmume for DS games (phantom hourgass, spirit tracks)

Citra for 3DS games (requires high processing speed & decent graphics card, most laptops will not run it) (oot & mm 3d, albw)

for gamecube (wind waker) I used dolphin emulator on my hacked wii so I can't vouch for how it'll run on anything else but i believe it should also be able to emulate wii games? (sksw, tp)

hope this helps fuel your loz adventures! if you ever have specific questions about emulation or hacking i might be able to help also lol i hate paying for games so i do this a lot

#asks #i always recommend oot as a starting point for botw players who want to try other zelda games but now that everyone thinks its fifty dollar #thats way more annoying to do. thank you nintendo

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radiowendigo · 10 months ago

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Kallua Childhood facts (Part 1)

Kallua was born on August 6th, 2009

Kallua was born in Whale Island and remained there his entire childhood.

Gon and Killua made the decision before and after his birth, that Whale Island is where they wanted to raise him. It was mainly because of the Zoldyck family, as well the couple’s last names alone.

Due to his parents’ desire to have total control over his upbringing, Kallua didn't really learn anything about his biological mother until he was ten years old.

Alluka became Kallua’s godmother after his birth. While Kallua views Alluka as a mother figure, he equally feels connected to her as an aunt.

Ging did see Kallua twice as a baby. A couple days after he was born and when he was past 6 months. But never again after that until he was 14.

To quell Kallua's curiosity, Gon, Killua, and everyone else in his life—aside from Alluka of course—did not discuss much about Killua's family. But, he was aware that they were well-known assassins.

Between the ages of 10 and 11, Killua finally told Kallua about his upbringing and family's full backgrounds and details.

After Kallua was born, Gon and Killua took a three-year paternity leave and remained on Whale Island. After that, they would sometimes leave Kallua alone with Grandma Mito.

In Kallua's childhood, both parents were usually present to raise him, but every few months, at least one of them had to leave the island for work.

Together, the family took many vacations, with Mito accompanying them on almost half of them. Every few months, they would travel to the city where the Hunter Association is located, where Alluka lives and works full-time as a nurse. I would have mentioned the city name, but I couldn't for the life of me discover it, even after a lot searching. For Whale Island, Alluka took the same action. Along with going on family vacations, she occasionally went on solitary trips with her brother and nephew.

Every time they came to visit, they would all stay in Alluka's house. She had a bedroom specifically created and decorated for Kallua as well, and it contained with plenty of toys, games, and books.

When it came to friends, they prioritized spending as much time as possible with those closest to them, particularly Leorio and Kurapika. They became Kallua's uncle figures and occasionally watched him when they were there.

The couple and their son would travel together for work, and had many opportunities to visit animal and private animal sanctuaries, exposing Kallua to a lot of different species of wild life. There are many photographs of him taken with a variety of different species because Gon and Killua love taking pictures of their son. Kallua is able to connect with most animals and form some kind of bond with them usually.

From a young age, Kallua knew what he wanted to be in his future profession, a hunter.

However, as he matured and gained a better understanding of the field, he realized that he wanted to be a professional crime hunter in addition to the kind of hunter ging and gon are—the ones who searched for objects, and assisted people. He ended up becoming a pro hunter and a crime hunter when he was 12 years old. While rising to the position of chairman in his mid-20s, he still performed his other titles he gained when he was younger.

At the age of 4, Gon and Killua started to teach their son independence and public speech, since that was crucial when being a hunter.

At the age of 3, Killua started training Kallua physical combat and even how to kill, for self defense of course. Including techniques like the Silent Gate, Rhythm Echo, and Snake Awakens. But never brainwashed him like his family tried to do to him. Killua was a very strict but gentle teacher. He motivated and celebrated every small or big victory in Kallua’s training. He would also reward him sometimes with a something sweet, a toy, or even go somewhere fun!

Killua only ever harmed Kallua once. It was when he manipulated his hands to mould his nails into the shape of claws and release them, thinking that would be ideal when killing. Following that, Killua would constantly console Kallua and express his sorrow and regret for a while.

Gon, on the other hand, concentrated on educating Kallua both how to survive the wilderness and zoology. While Gon was teaching him, he taught him how to fish when he was even younger and they would go on numerous hikes, and camping trips together.

When he wasn't training to be a hunter, doing school work, or in the house, Kallua would spend endless hours outside, half the time walking on his own and exploring the island. Even at night as he got older. He loves the wilderness and outdoors. But without him realizing at the time despite having amazing senses, Killua or Gon, mainly Killua, would keep an eye on him from a distance. They stopped that once Kallua turned 11.

Kallua would run, play, and climb trees, hills, jump in the ocean and lakes, swing on vines. He wasn’t afraid to get messy and fed himself including bugs many times when he went to the forest. He also spend time and played with a lot of the animals including Konta, his son, and his own son who he grew up with. Konta and his family after was introduced to Kallua the following spring after he was born.

When Kallua was younger, he was full of energy and loved going outside. He also enjoyed playing games and physical ones with his fathers, which they both usually enjoyed. Since there were hardly any children living on Whale Island, Kallua had his own playground installed around their property when he was a toddler. Soon, that park would also include a training facility with all of the equipment Kallua needed for training. However, the family would also regularly go on walks and beach outings.

Kallua has always had a passion for sports; he focused mostly on skateboarding and snowboarding, developing outstanding skill in both sports, which he continues to pursue as an adult. He gained his love for those sports due to Killua first showing and teaching him those activities at a very young age

Wow this feels a little embarrassing to share I don’t know why. Anyways here’s new, more organized facts mostly by age I wrote about Kallua and definitely plan on sharing more if it gets attention or not. In these facts Kallua is in my main story where he lives as a hunter and Illumi and Kalluto are hopefully alive (I will not say anymore for those who aren’t manga readers or haven’t caught up with the manga).

#kallua zoldyck freecss #kallua zoldyck freecss facts #killugon #killugonfanchild #my writing #my oc #my original character #I want his childhood despite me having a good one myself #I’ll be writing about his relationships with gon and killua in part 2

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havikshoochiemama · 9 months ago

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My Star Wars Acolyte rant >:(

This shit is not proofread LMAO it’s 5 am i’m mad leave me alone just me being the hater that i am 🤭

I originally wasn’t gonna talk about the Acolyte because clearly the show was just another emotionally immature shitty Disney cash grab with horribly written characters BUT DUDE i keep seeing ads and stuff on my tumblr NONSTOP and i’m actually sick of it .. most of you guys saw one Tumblr Sexyman and just went ham with that…We as a fandom need to stand up because Disney doesn’t care about star wars imma keep it a buck they just want to make their next mcu and they just greenlighting anything at this point

“oh but i like Andor” yeah that’s like what ever 10 shows they make they make one good one that’s not good 😭… anyways like i was saying they are literally pulling shit out their ass they are getting shit from the star wars legends that’s it’s own universe and putting it in…like excuse me ??? those books don’t follow the events of the movie so why would your show that allegedly takes place before the movies (I said allegedly because writers can’t even get characters ages right ) also i’m talking about that bs w the helmet that stops lightsabers… apparently it’s called cortosis from legends never once mentioned in any of the movies (i’m not watching them live action shows idgaf i like SOME of the animated ones) but they use it as a Mcguffin when they want bc they never built on this they just stole it from legends LMAOAA you just can’t do that i’m literally about to pop a blood vessel 😭 i’m not watching that show again but let me critique the shit i do remember… also the “Gayest Star Wars we ever made” KEEP MY PEOPLE OUT YOUR SHITTY WORK !!! but after that man who’s to edgy for a name killed all her friends she “loved” she’s sees his face and is like wow 😍 literally thinkin with her pussy very hetro of you 💀 gah this show just pisses me off star war at its heart is a fuckin space opera and i dont think disney understands that. i literally fell in love with star wars back when i played battlefront and watched all the movies read as many comics and books as i could get my hands on and seeing something you love become something you hate is fuckin sick and crazy it’s started with me from the force awakens that movie is horrible you bitches say pretty graphics and said oh good movie 😍 NO NO it literally was just a new Hope setting everything that luke did back making him basically useless LMAO and they butchered the old characters to help the new ones which are really not that great 💀 i’m still mad that them used Finn as a token black person 😐 i could rewrite the force awakens better same characters and all and yk actually do something better (joking i would if Disney paid me to)LMAO also i hate kylo ren don’t get me wrong i love my cry baby tantrum throwing villains but he’s nawt it LMAO i’m sorry this is a rant about the shitty show YALL NOT READY FOR ME TO SPEAK ON THE FORCE AWAKENS 😭

yeah i hate that show i literally don’t wanna talk about it anymore heart emoji �� remember when people said the Phantom Menace was bad yeah… at least it have character development atleast it had good world building atleast the universe was establish and yk i liked it but the prequel’s have always been my favorite clone wars literally came out on my birth year >:3 it was made for me 🤭 but i’m just a whore for world building and lore yeah… umm idk to me start wats ended with the return of the Jedi 🗣️

dont @ me idc this is my opinion and if you want to continue meat riding corporate greed that literally is ruining my fave franchise pop off if you liked the show i don’t care good for you (your def new gen star wars fan)

also Darth Plagueis ?? LMAO WHAT they just doing anything i see and why where all the jedis fuckin morons … okay ? and your main character sucked you don’t get the satisfaction of character arcs like “her joining the dark side” if there was no character building to begin with like ? it not to late Disney just burn it get it over with. Also it’s all so Fuckin boring LMAO also i can talk shit about character development and arcs all i want bc i’m writing my own novel and i’ve did a lot of research even tho this whole rant is a mess it’s 5 in the morning give ur girl a break i just really like my silly space movie okay 🥹 i literally spent a band on the Star Wars encyclopedia leave me alone

Um if you wanna argue my comments are open <3 i love arguing i’m somewhat of a scorpio myself

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micvick · 11 months ago

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Between the Sea and the Sand

Themes and Warnings for this chapter: Death and violence, Mental health struggles, Poverty, Cultural and racial discrimination, Familial loss, Forced participation in violent events, The text contains mild profanity and colloquial language and words in spanish.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language, and most of this text has been translated. The original text in Spanish is this: "Entre el mar y la arena".

Normal text: Spanish, Highlighted text: English

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

The awakening in Puerto Cabello brings with it the penetrating smell of the sea, but this morning, the salty scent seems more ominous. My father's absence is palpable; I miss waking up to his tickles. I used to hate it, but now I miss it more than anything. I still haven't accepted that he's gone, and my brother Kai must already be on the boat. After my father's death, my best friend Annie's dad gave him a job as a helper on his boat. He's probably there now, working hard in the early morning light. Anxiety gnaws at me because today is the Reaping. Every year it's torture watching my friends go and not come back. They're always from our port because we're poor people. The only way to live for us is to ask for tesserae, and now it's my turn, my first year in the bowl. But my thoughts aren't centered on myself. The shadow of worry looms over my older brother, Kai, 17, whose name has been entered into the Reaping more times than I can count. In our toughest times after my father's death, all we could do was ask for tesserae, but he never let me take one, to the point that now his name is in the bowl 32 times.

Annually, the prospect of my brother leaving me in this brutal place horrifies me. Since our father's departure, Kai has become the family's pillar. It's just him and me, and if he doesn't survive these games, my existence hangs by a thread. In District 4 in Puerto Cabello, our home, life is tough, and survival becomes even more precarious. We're just one of the thousands of islands in District 4. We're nothing more than a place where people who shouldn't be here live. We're Hispanic, so we should be dead like the others in South America, but a few of us survive. Now we live here, in a place where we barely eat once a day and live off fish and seaweed. The only ones who live moderately well in this port are those who have businesses, and sometimes not even that, as mostly they live in houses with all their relatives together, although that's better than living in a house with just one room, one bathroom, and a roof almost collapsing. As I got up and dressed in my best clothes with a bracelet an old friend gave me, I saw the television that only serves to watch government programs and saw an announcement about the Reaping and what time it would be. That annoyed me, seeing how the presenter laughed and the people around him shouted with joy.

It's undeniable that the Hunger Games are considered a monstrosity by everyone. Instead of using their resources productively, the Capitol chooses to watch children fight to the death for events that happened 68 years ago. It's stupidity, as well as unfair, because our people's names always come out, a Hernandez, a Gonzalez, a Mendoza, since we're the only ones who desperately need tesserae. Interestingly, all the Latinos who go die, it's like you step into the arena and you die if you're Latino. One of the few Latinas I saw who won was Noorena Colinas, who won the 60th Hunger Games. I remember her very well because she always refused to speak English inside the arena. She always spoke her language, and it was the first games where the Capitol was forced to put subtitles because she was super interesting to the Capitol's audience. First, she fled to the forest, and with her machete that she grabbed a while later in the Cornucopia, she finished off each of the tributes on her own. When only she and a boy from District 2 were left, while fighting with the female tribute from District 5, he was very badly wounded. But he didn't realize something: Noorena was above him on a tree branch covered in blood from her previous victims, and when he least expected it, she with her machete cleanly cut off his head and declared herself the winner of the 60th Hunger Games. But still, it seemed depressing to me. She was praying all the time, always killed the tributes in ways they didn't suffer, and when she won, she broke down in tears and never appeared again as a mentor. This is unfair, girls and boys sent to die, and even though I don't agree, the government of Panem has no problem killing children like me.

I prepare to go to the Plaza de las Flores, grab my bag, and fill it with pearls that I got while walking on the beach near my house, hidden in a mini forest. Only I know about it, because no one wants to go there because of the mutts, and not normal ones, giant sea creatures, that can devour you as soon as they see you, but they haven't attacked me, I'm invisible to them. I grabbed a handful of pearls to exchange them for basic food at the square to have one more day of food. My destination is to meet my best friend, Annie Cresta, a Cuban whose laughter and warm hug are a balm in these dark times. And it always has been. When my father died, she was with me at my house for three days along with her mother. She gave me her lunch at school and comforted me whenever I needed it.

I go to the square and quickly go to a jeweler. He looks at me and greets me as he invites me into his tent. "Let's see, my girl, what do you have?" I showed him a bag full of pearls. "I can't believe it, where did you get so many?"

"I can't tell you, sir, you know they'll shut down my business." Anyway, entering that place is a death sentence.

"Well, my girl, how much do you want for them?" he said as he took money out of his cash register.

"With that amount of pearls, I think they would be like 300." I said, that would be enough for a week, but my brother eats a lot. He's tall and very strong and robust. He eats twice or even three times as much as I do, but his job warrants it. He gave me my 300 and shook my hand.

"Have a good day, girl, take care," he said as he stroked my head.

When I go out, I set out to look for Annie. They always give me my lunch for free there, black beans with rice and shredded meat. They always give me all kinds of food, and I appreciate that more than anything. At Annie's food stand, shouts and laughter can be heard from the entrance of the square, people dancing along with peacekeepers with their families eating. I enter the tent and there is Lucía, Annie's mother. She is counting the earnings while Annie hands me an empanada. "Chama, take this, you look malnourished," she laughs as she ruffles my hair.

"Yes, yes, Annie. As if I had ever experienced malnutrition with all those delicious dishes they prepare here," I reply with a smile. She has a quite particular sense of humor, she always tells me I'm skin and bones as an excuse to give me more food than I should. But she brightens up my day every day, and more so on a day like this. She was very nervous last year because

because she was eligible for the games for the first time that year. She spent her time praying every night, and I spent the two days before at her house because she was so nervous, and we didn't sleep those nights. Luckily, she wasn't reaped, but this year she's still nervous. She thinks I don't notice, but I know her so well that I even feel like I can read her mind.

"And are you excited for the party?" Lucia comments with sarcasm in her voice. "It's starting in two hours, so get moving and get ready. Today you should be more dressed up than ever, something formal like a dress," she says while looking me up and down. She doesn't do it unpleasantly; she has the same sense of humor as her daughter and her whole family, but it's like a Hispanic tradition, laughing to keep from crying, laughing to avoid suffering.

"Oh, ma'am, you know I don't have dresses. The only one I have is my mom's, and it's from her wedding. Today I'm not getting married, you know," I reply, trying to keep the mood light. But I would never wear my mother's dress for something like the reaping; I will never in my life wear it for anything. It's the only thing that holds the memory of my mother, and you can see her personality in it: a white dress with edges that simulate waves, with open sleeves and a light blue on each edge, and very shiny. I wouldn't be able to wear it, maybe at my wedding, but I don't want to get married. That means children, and I don't want to have them just to see them die.

Annie touches my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts, and says with a contagious laugh, "Don't worry, girl, I'll lend you a dress. Remember, I'm rolling in dough and have a bunch of dresses." It's a bit true; it's just that her seafood business became popular, and they even opened a restaurant downtown. Still, they refused to leave their home here. They say they belong to the port and won't leave unless it's necessary.

"Okay, if you say so, let's see," I agree, and Annie takes me by the hand to her house. Her house is in front of the square, and it's a huge house where Annie's whole family lives: her grandparents, uncles, cousins, great-grandparents, etc. She lives on the third floor with her mom, dad, and four brothers.

We climb the stairs until we reach her room. While she searches among her dresses, she continues talking to me about the latest news from the district, trying to dispel the tension that hangs in the air.

"Did you hear that Finnick Odair has another girlfriend? She's a redhead who lives in the rich neighborhood. Finnick sure doesn't waste time with the rich," Annie comments while she fixes my hair into two ponytails.

"Well, Finnick always had a weakness for redheads." All the time I've known him, he's always had that thing for redheads. He even told me once. I remember, we were in one of the many hidden coves near my house. We were talking about how a guy was pretending to court Annie, and the topic of what kind of boy or girl we like came up.

"Annie, what kind of guy do you like?" I said while eating ice cream. I remember that at that time neither she nor I could afford such luxuries, but Finnick bought us ice cream, just because he wanted to, not expecting anything in return.

"My type of guy is tall, muscular, tanned. Mana, you know what my type is."

"Your type is Mr. Carlitos' son," Finnick said, laughing. She grabbed a handful of sand and threatened to throw it at him, but in the end, she didn't do anything.

"And you, very cool guy, what's your type? No lying, lies and you get sand in your face," Annie said. He just laughed.

"My type is girls with a tan skin, brown eyes, freckles, and who are redheads." Finnick stared at me intensely after saying that, no idea why. Annie just burst out laughing and touched my shoulder.

"And you, girl, what's your type?"

"I don't have one," I said while playing with the sand. Suddenly, I feel a piece of sand fall on my head. I turn around and see Finnick. He said to me, "L-I-A-R." I grabbed a handful of sand, and we started a sand war. I miss that. I wish we had never drifted apart.

Annie was looking at quite a few dresses, but none seemed to convince her. Finally, at the back of the closet, she pulled out a light blue dress with shell design at the bottom of the dress and with sparkles on the neckline. "This dress is made for you," she says as she hands it to me to put on. It's very beautiful, too beautiful for someone like me to wear. "You should wear it, you'll look so beautiful. You'll look like a princess," she says.

"No, girl, I can't wear this. You should wear it." After I say that, she rolls her eyes.

"It's not a question, you're going to wear it," she says without giving me a chance to say anything else. Then she turns around and grabs a small box. When I open it, I feel like crying. It was my mother's necklace. We had to sell it after my father's death, a beautiful necklace with a mermaid holding a bluish-green stone that my mother wore all the time. "Happy early birthday."

"But how did you get it?" I was sobbing as I held it in my hands.

"I paid a guy with 4 zeros the amount you sold it for," she said while laughing and hugging me. "Should I put it on you?"

I nodded, and she put the necklace on me. I couldn't stop crying. Now I have more debts to repay her; rather, I will never be able to repay her. "Girl, this looks perfect on you." I look at myself in the mirror, and yes, I actually look somewhat pretty. "You're like a mermaid; you sing very well and swim better than anyone in this district. It seems like you could live in the water perfectly." I blush slightly at her comment, and before I can say anything, she takes my hand and says, "Come on, we've talked too much and the reaping is about to start."

With the borrowed dress, we head together to the Plaza de las Flores. The music and excitement increase as we approach the heart of the event. The reaping is about to begin, and although the fear persists, Annie's company gives me the strength to face what is to come.

On the way, I met my brother. I went and hugged him, and he hugged me back with more force. He had a small bag in his hand.

"What's that, brother?" I asked curiously.

"They're tequeños. Since it's going to be your birthday, I want you to gain like 5 kilos." It's a tradition for poor people like us to feed the next birthday person until they can't eat anymore. It's like a reward for staying alive.

I was eating them when peacekeepers directed us to the lines with the other children. I was almost in the front row, and the Plaza de las Flores is enveloped in a gloomy atmosphere as the reaping ceremony begins. The sky is cloudy, casting unsettling shadows on the faces of the District 4 residents. Annie and I grip each other's hands tightly, feeling the weight of uncertainty looming over us.

The District 4 escort, with his extravagant attire, steps onto the stage. He is followed by Mags and Finnick, victors of past Hunger Games, along with the mayor. I make eye contact, and he immediately winks at me. He was always this ridiculous, always trying to flirt with all the girls in the district. I just rolled my eyes and continued paying attention to the ceremony.

Silence takes hold of the plaza as he begins to recount the history of the dark days and how these games were made to punish the districts. Every word seems like an ominous echo, resonating in my heart. When it's time to announce the female tribute, the escort starts making jokes that don't quite fit at the moment. Then he says, "Ladies first." A chill runs down my spine as he pulls out the small slip of paper. I have a bad feeling.

"This year's female tribute is…" The escort takes a moment that seems endless before saying, with a voice that cuts through the air, "Marina Fernandez."

"No, this can't be real. This is impossible. How, why?" Annie says, looking at me horrified. I feel like time stops. The stares focus on me, and a mix of resignation and terror leaves me paralyzed. My heart beats hard, and the certainty that the Hunger Games stretch before me like a dark abyss consumes me. A peacekeeper pulls me toward the stage. I don't want to go, I'm too young to die, that's what all the tributes say, but there's nothing they can do. But in that moment, I find Kai's eyes in the crowd.

My brother's gaze reflects terror and shock. The anguish on his face doesn't go unnoticed. The possibility of losing me is as real as the Arena itself. The terror grows stronger and stronger. I'm not ready to face what's coming. The Capitol cameras focus on my face, and I know that every gesture, every expression, is being scrutinized.

The escort prepares to announce the male tribute. The air becomes denser, and nervous glances are exchanged among the district residents. I feel a commotion, but I'm so stunned that I don't realize my brother is advancing toward the stage.

"This year's male tribute is…" The escort hesitates for a moment before saying, "Kenji Ishika-" Everyone turns to see my brother shouting and making his way through the crowd.

"I OFFER MYSELF AS A TRIBUTE," he said with a desperate voice.

"Boy, I think you got a little ahead of yourself. Well, it doesn't matter. Come up on stage, please."

My heart sinks. The crowd reacts in shock. The Fernandez siblings. The people in the Capitol must be moved. This is cruel, but I can't say anything, because if I do, it will be worse for us. My gaze meets Annie's, paralyzed by surprise, and in her teary eyes, I see that she knows we won't make it out of this.

The reality of the tragedy hits me hard. My brother and I, condemned to the Hunger Games. Kai advances to the stage with determination. Our eyes meet, and in that moment, I know he will do whatever it takes to protect me, and that terrifies me. We will die because of me, all because of me.

The Plaza de las Flores plunges into a sepulchral silence as the Fernandez siblings face our fate. Darkness looms over us, but amidst the tragedy, the people around us start singing a song, a song that was used in ancient times to demonstrate pride. That gives me a spark of hope, but it's just an illusion of the deadly fate that awaits me.

#annie cresta #finnick odair x reader #finnick x y/n #hispanics #mags flanagan #the hunger games

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chasenronoa · 4 months ago

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People I would sleep with and reasons

I respect everyone I write about. But I find these people very, very hot.

Most of these will be animated characters, and I greatly respect them.

Ben Ten

I respect him, but I found him very hot when I was about 10. Hah, it wasn't that convenient. I liked Ben Ten when I was 10. You would think I would like Kevin, but nah. I usually like the side characters, but somehow, Ben Ten caught my eye. Young, sarcastic, even in alien form, sign me up. Okay, maybe I wouldn't have thought of sleeping with him when I was ten, but I wanted to go on a Date.

2. Spirit the horse

I don't need to write more about it, but I will. Gosh, have you all seen the movies when he's running in the wind, looking better than any supermodel I've seen? He low-key reminds me of the "said I loved you, but I lied guy." Just search it up. It's hilarious. Plus, his homeboy spirit treated his lady like a queen. I also have a strong feeling that he is possessive, and I like that. Very hot. 10/10 would recommend.

3. Eugene from "Yuyu Hakusho" ghost files in English.

Guys you have to watch Ghost fighters. all the characters are hot like rose is there he's so hot but like a little too girly for me but dosen't me I don't fuck with him. I'd go out to the town with him. get drunk and like pass out on someones couch. But EUGENE my man sarcastic a little rugged and damn does he look good in anything he wears. But let's be honest every single anime character looks good in what they wear. But I was like 13 and I didn't know how to whistle but if I did I would so instead I barked.

3. MILO from Atlantis

This man was my sexual awakening. That Dorito body put Chris Evans to shame. He was my sexual awakening, but he was so innocent that like even 17-year-old me with insanely definitely should not be thinking about thoughts. I would never do that to my boy Milo, but I still really think he is soooo HOT.

4. Sanji

He is and will always be the one man, no questions asked. That I will sleep with; he treats women right, knows his way around a kitchen, and makes good food. And he looks like he'd be good in bed. But if any of you have read, I ship Zoro and Sanji very strongly. One of my favorite ships, actually. I have read too many fanfiction and manga images that I do not want to go into detail about. I can probably recite a good amount of Zosan fan fiction. I think I am going insane.

Love ya'll

Btw you're reading a list of people I would sleep with, and I haven't even held hands romantically, so don't take what I write personally; as far as I know, Men ain't shit, but I'm trying to get into my lover girl era. Doubt it will happen tho, but if the grapes work, we will never know.

peace out love ya lots

Chasen

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im-out-of-it · 6 months ago

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season 1, episode 7 “major arcana” discussion post

1. ah, looks like Simon is trying to move on. I would celebrate but Maureen is just going to get her heart broken ☹️ someone tell Simon that clary isn’t worth it please

2. not even a minute later, and simon is out the door lmao

3. side note- I’m glad they changed Maureen from the books. the whole changing an innocent 12 year old trope- I’m sorry but no thanks. I love interview with a vampire (show) but they’re literally stuck in that age FOREVER. it’s so cruel 😭

4. maybe don’t say another woman’s name in bed Simon 😬

5. I like how Luke is surprised after all the murders and stuff, he’s getting arrested. your car was at the crime scene and they time stamped you there as well. did you think they wouldn’t suspect you at all??????? ALL THOSE MURDERS ARROUND SO YES YOU LOOK A TAD GUILTY

6. literally Simon needs clary and she’s declining his calls. bro your bestie is about to turn to his maker Camille and you’re just hanging with Jace. I get she’s trying to get the cup but clary is a terrible friend to Simon. just because she’s going through stuff, doesn’t excuse her actions. I’m sorry but it makes me mad how Simon allows clary to treat him. boy can do so much better in the friend department. bye mundane Simon, nice knowing ya

7. aw Izzy is dressing in long skirts with her hair tied back just like her mother ☹️ I hate the message of how you can’t be comfortable with your body and be a mature serious woman at the same time. like I’m not saying Izzy needs to be half dressed all the time but anytime a woman seems to be mature or serious, she’s always covered in clothes from head to toe and just seems bland. Isabelle just seems more sad now especially with cutting ties with meliorn. bye episode 1-6 Izzy, you’ll be missed but we can’t wait to see ya again

8. I do commend Izzy for stepping up though. she sees that Alec takes on a lot of responsibility so she’s just doing her part, and she doesn’t want Alec to marry if he doesn’t want to. Izzy is a much better sister in the show in my opinion. I just didn’t see much bonding in the books with Alec and Izzy (just my opinion)

9. “Slept at Magnus’s place?”- Izzy “didn’t do much sleeping”- Alec

oh is that right???????? “Magnus made cocktails, but I’m telling you nothing else happened”- Alec 😭

10. that brings me to something else. I’ve talked about Alec’s identity but what I don’t see much of is Magnus and his feelings. he hasn’t opened his heart up in centuries since Camille. so when he meets Alec, it definitely awakens him in a way. I think it is a bit sad because Magnus doesn’t want to push alec towards something he’s not comfortable with but Magnus is starting to desire seeing more of alec and stating how he knows Alec feels what he does

11. it’s a lot of risk because you never know if you’re going to get your heart broken by this person. should you do nothing and wait until they’re ready or give a little push? Alec has a hard choice to make but it can’t be easy on Magnus either. he doesn’t want to push alec too hard but he can’t help but want to be around alec. it’s difficult to crave someone’s presence but you can’t do anything about it because they aren’t ready. but I commend Magnus for not taking it too far or trying to make Alec come out (like he did in the books)

12. maybe the rare occurrence I like clary is when she slaps jace for fun. she could’ve hit harder in my opinion

13. I know this was a fake fight but this is what they should’ve done for CLACE. Clary would’ve been better off without jace. they’re both insufferable and self conceited but it’s 10000000 times worse when they’re together

14. I feel bad for Simon because he thinks he’s going to be a vampire and he’s dealing with it alone. Clary is his only friend besides Maureen but she thinks he’s on drugs so he doesn’t have anyone to turn to

15. Alec not having any of this 😭

16. I hate the demon pox reference. it reminds me of Will so I hate it. it just makes me think of how he kept singing that song about Gabriel’s trauma so no thank you

16. “can we ask Magnus bane to portal us?” well that would be awkward- Izzy. 😬 not Alec being 100000000% done for the day lmao

17. wow clary blowing Simon off for the millionth time IM SO SHOCKED

18. Alec thought Izzy was going to be the distraction, not today 😭

19. Alec: IZZY CAN YOU NOT

part 2 coming near theaters 🎭

#anti cassandra clare #anti cc #just my stupid opinions #alec lightwood #magnus bane #anti clace #anti clary fray #anti jace herondale #putting anti cc on all show shadowhunter posts because i don’t want an pro book fans hating on my shit #shadowhunter show is superior #shadowhunters tv #show magnus is superior #show alec is superior #show malec is superior #alec is one hundred percent done in this episode and I’m here for it #also an analysis of Magnus because why not #and it’s heavily focused on Simon because dude was going through it and clary didn’t care until he was dead

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defira85 · 11 months ago

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @elvenmother thank you!

How many works do you have on AO3? Currently 109

What's your total AO3 word count? Okay WITH THE CAVEAT that I am incapable of writing short fic or ficlets and can only write long fic and have been on AO3 since 2011.... it's 2433956. Yes that is 2.5 million words

What fandoms do you write for? Mostly computer game adjacent - Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Star Wars: The Old Republic, Baldur's Gate 3, Cinders, Critical Role, Avengers (comics verse, not movies), Once Upon a Time, Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Stardew Valley, Touchstarved

Top 5 fics by kudos? Recovery Begins (Finn/Poe), A Safe Port in a Storm (Cullen/Dorian), The Courtship of Dorian Pavus (Cullen/Dorian), The Atonement of Cullen Rutherford (Cullen/Dorian), An Empire's Ransom (Ona'la||Jedi Knight/Thexan)

5. Do you respond to comments? I had a bleak period from about 2019-2022 where I was in a black hole of depression and creativity where I wrote nothing and felt a deep shame every time I got a comment on AO3, so there are people I have never responded to, but otherwise I'm adamant about replying to EVERYONE

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Hmm. It could be Grief, a fic about Arcann observing the bounty hunter performing funeral rites for her dead husband. It might also be A Piercing Little Star, which I wrote for the DA Big Bang in 2013 about Leliana and Warden Bethany. And Ten Years Gone, about a very minor NPC couple from DA2, has a bleak ending

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I'll be honest, it's Keep Telling Me To Breathe, my Durgetash fic. Purely self indulgent ending there.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Not in a long time, but it used to happen more frequently on Deviant Art and on anonymous kink memes. People were more free about being assholes on LJ because they could do it anonymously. A few on AO3 but again, it's been awhile.

9. Do you write smut? Do I write anything BUT smut lmfao. I mean, yes I do, but I love writing smut, so...

10. Craziest crossover? I'm not much of a crossover gal, the closest I've got at the moment would be some multi-Hawke adventures that I wrote back in my DA2 days where one of my Hawkes was running around in universe with a friend's Hawke

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Touch wood but no, not to the best of my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! I've had multiple of my Dragon Age fics translated into Russian

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before? My co-conspirator @sithrightsactivist will confirm yes, and I'm basically a co-writer with @angelicfangirl on her Calli/Arcann (Swtor) fic

14. All time favourite ship? I don't know if I have one? Hnngh. I guess Ona'la/Thexan because he's essentially my OC at this point in time. I can't read other Thexan fics because I'm like, no, that's wrong, he's supposed to be married to Ona'la. And Elissa/Justice makes me feel a lot of very big emotions because I made her to be a garbage person, an outlet for a lot of my own ugly feelings and self worth issues, and yet someone actually fell in love with her and found her worth cherishing as she was and that stunned me. And Durge/Gortash, I know what I like

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Sigh. It's probably my Stardew Valley fic. Or, no matter how many times I try, my Raina Temple/Shara Jenn||Watcher Two fic (SWTOR).

16. What are your writing strengths? I write GREAT smut. And I do phenomenal worldbuilding

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I don't know when to shut up. I can't write short fic to save my life. I don't actually know how people write such tight, careful fics in such a small amount of words

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language? I did it more when I was younger and thought I was being very clever but I know enough now that I know better than to try and butcher other languages like that. I know it reads as clumsy at best to native speakers so I try to avoid it. Unless it's fictional, and then I go ham.

19. First fandom you wrote in? First? Very first? I probably wrote stories about being April O'Neill with the TMNT. I wrote about being batgirl when I was like 8. Otherwise I think it was the Wayfarer Redemption Cycle by Sara Douglass or The Belgariad by David Eddings as a teen

20. Favourite fic you've written? HOW CAN I JUST CHOOSE ONE???? Okay well I'm the most proud of Keep Telling Me To Breathe (BG3) and An Empire's Ransom (SWTOR) changed the trajectory of my life for the better. Also? I'm the only person who's written Justice romance fic, and yes, I do mean Awakenings Justice and not "inside Anders' pretty body" DA2 Justice, so I'll own that

#Defira does a meme

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amysuevr · 2 months ago

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WIP Wednesday

Once again a WIP Wednesday that nobody asked for, wants or will even read, but is mostly for me.

If you had asked me even a week ago if I would ever write a TLOU fic outside of my current AU, I would have said probably not, but never say never. Well...

Over the weekend I started a new WIP set in a new AU. This one in the post cordyceps world. Somethings don't change, Sarah still lives, I can't kill her and Joel is still bio dad because I guess that's my thing

But Sarah is shot on outbreak night, but survives and 16 years later they're living in the Boston QZ with 10 year old Ellie who is the product of a relationship between Joel and Anna.

The Fireflies realize Ellie is immune and kidnap her, sneaking her out of the QZ and Joel and Sarah take off across the country after them.

I'm very excited, but also feeling super guilty about going outside of my current AU. It is not abandoned!! Anyway, below is the first few paragraphs of the first story in this new AU. No name yet just Cordy AU -CH 1 in my drafts.

Gunfire rouses Sarah Miller from her sleep late on a Wednesday night. Logically, she should be used to the sound, which is not uncommon in the Boston QZ, where she's lived for 15 years. Longer than she lived in their home in Austin. Longer than she was alive before the world went to shit. She tries not to think about that too often.

Still, after all these years, the sound of gunfire startles Sarah; makes her heart race, makes her remember the sound of her dad's guttural cry when he'd crawled over to where she lay in that field, in the worst pain she'd ever felt, both of them assuming she was about to die. Sarah sits up quickly, shaking her head like she can force the memory to fall out of her brain before it takes hold and sends her too far into that night, that awful fucking night.

Like many nights when Sarah awakens in fear and fights to keep the memories away, the presence of her little sister asleep next to her helps pull her back. The sound of her deep, even breathing and the feel of her head under Sarah's hand anchors her in the moment. As her heart returns to its normal rate, Sarah takes a second to marvel at Ellie's ability to sleep as soundly as she does. It must be a superpower granted to those born after the end of the world. Born under a military dictatorship, with limited food and medicine and mortality rates through the roof, but they can sleep through anything. Sarah's pretty sure the last full night's sleep she had was September 25, 2013. She knows it's the last night her dad got a good night's sleep or any sleep, really.

Sarah lays down uneasily, she resists the urge to pull her sister into her like a teddy bear. Ellie can sleep through gunshots, but aggressive cuddles would wake her up and will make Sarah’s life harder in the morning. Not only is she a bear in the morning to begin with, but she's also demanding more and more not to be treated like a baby, especially since she turned ten a few months ago. Just a month before Sarah turned thirty.

As she lies in the dark, she instinctively touches her t-shirt and feels the scar across her stomach through the fabric. Better stitching than many who were injured and still walked away from outbreak night received. A miracle seeing as the doctor in the brand-new rural clinic, two days away from seeing its first patients, turned a few hours after removing her spleen as chaos raged outside. Her dad and Uncle Tommy barricaded themselves into a back room for three days until they were comfortable moving her in a stolen truck. Sarah remembers next to nothing about this; she didn't wake up until they were in rural Arkansas. She's only heard bits and pieces about that first week, and she thinks that it may be for the best.

The familiar clicks and thumps of the six locks on their front door pull Sarah from her thoughts, and she scrambles out of bed as quickly as possible. It must be their dad or Tess; she hadn't seen either since the day before when she'd left to watch the Norman baby one floor up while his mom, Jill, took a shift street cleaning. She knew they were finishing up some trades of items they'd brought back after their last trip outside the wall. Her dad requires all business to be done as far away from Sarah and Ellie as possible, and he usually stays away an extra night or two in case someone tries to follow him.

Sarah slips out into the dark living room, lit only by the flicking streetlights outside, pulling a flannel over the long-sleeved t-shirt she sleeps in. They've been in Boston almost fifteen years, and she's still not used to fall and the cooler weather it brings. In Texas, "fall" was simply code for summer part two. She complained about the heat and lack of winter for years, but now, what she wouldn't give for long warm evenings on their back porch, sipping sun tea that Mrs. Adler would make, sweetened until it tasted like liquid candy and watching the fireflies blink flicker across the yard.

She makes out the outline of her dad in the dark, trying very hard to be quiet as he sets down his bag and fumbles to turn on a lamp.

"Sorry, baby. Did I wake you? Is Ellie still asleep?"

#tlou #tlou fanfiction #the last of us fanfiction #wip wednesday #sarah lives

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whatsupwither · 5 months ago

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#10 I've Matured

It's been way past a year since I last posted here... A lot has happened and changes about me. I feel like this year, I discovered a lot about myself. I would like to make this post some sort of a closed chapter in regards to Ian and most definitely Jeremy. I won't be mentioning either two in my upcoming posts/rants anymore unless it's absolutely relevant. I found out that Ian got a girlfriend not long after my previous post. For some reason he still decided to talk to me afterwards which I turned down very quickly because I am a girl's girl. We stopped talking then and there. He very recently started contacting me again on Instagram (He deleted his old instagram so I didn't know if he was alive or dead tbh...) He followed me again and dmed me asking me how I was. I had a feeling he broke up.. that's why he is contacting me again. and I was right. I was probably the first girl he contacted after the break up. I feel so fucking easy at that moment so I decided to be very one worded with my responses and not engage too much. So that's that. Jeremy... is a bit trickier. We're still training together. turns out a lot of people thinks we're very close together. That is very annoying. I would like to highlight though that I don't like Jeremy the way I thought I do. Apparently... I just really want to sleep with him and its not because I find him hot... I just wanted to the validation, the proof that he is actually into me. After further evaluation... that's how I feel about most men. That's why I tend to lose interest the moment they like me back because I never cared about a relationship or having a boyfriend... I just wanted to know if I can bagged the guy or not. I love challenges and apparently, that's how I view most men. A challenge. That's why although I'm on dating apps, I don't message most of my matches because I just wanted to know if they would like me back. I had a very awakening talk with my friend. He was in his first relationship (He's older than me just by a few years). It didn't last long, they broke up after 3-4 months... maybe less. I asked him why and all that. He told me that before dating, he really wanted a girlfriend and that he thought that it was what he was missing in his life. After getting one, it was all good and peachy at first, sure... but He started realizing he doesn't need her. It wasn't that she's not enough or that she did something (or didn't do anything). He just realized he liked it better when he was single and that adding a girlfriend into his life was just not something he thought he needed anymore. She would ask him about his day and he realized, he doesn't need someone to ask him about his day... or that she would try and feed him... he doesn't need that as well.... or she would ask if he has eaten yet... and again... he doesn't need that. He has friends he can talk to, he has hobbies to kill his time, he has his work he pour his everything towards.... most part of his life he thought he needed to fill with a girlfriend... turns out has been filled.

That made me wonder about my own situation. I've graduated last August, I landed an internship before I even graduated and was offered a one year contract after 2 months of interning. Now I have a full time job that I love and look forward to, I have a hobby that I do almost everyday, if I'm not at work or fighting someone, I am at the gym working out, I have my friends and community whom I love and fullfill most of my social aspect. Do I really need a boyfriend...? and if I do.... what for? for sex? I can handle that myself and to be quite frank... do you really need a boyfriend for that?

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keefiswhoiam · 2 years ago

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July 15 - 2023 Saturday

8:40 AM

I barely remember a dream where I was being complimented by old ladies for being such a nice young man. Thats one of my favorite feelings in the world.

Last night’s party was AMAZING, solid 8.5/10 which is very good to me. I didn’t expect it to be better than last year’s party. So many people showed up just for me and that felt nice. We basically just hopped wherever I wanted to go which was a few worlds I had in my favorites. Too much fun was had just fucking around.

Today I’m trying to change my perspective a little bit. I’m okay doing a lot of things by myself as long as I have someone to come back to and share it with. Thats what friends in general are for. I’m someone that wants to share good things with someone always. I’ve always been like this. Sometimes when I’m having too much fun alone, I stop and think who I could include in this. Usually it’s no one so I either stop for some reason or I just try to enjoy it anyways. At this time, I have someone to report all the good things back to so no matter what I do, I want to enjoy it so I can report it back later.

10:29 AM

I’ve been kinda stunlocked. I keep seeing videos of people out and about and I’m just jealous. I wish I had a normal life sometimes. I hate living where I am. But I don’t want to farm pity about it. I’m doing what I can. Someday my situation will change for the better.

Its hard for me to focus or do anything when I really want something that I can’t have. I can’t stop thinking about it but I gotta.

2:42 PM

I’m really trying to watch my thinking but I did get on a sort of tangent in the shower that I honestly don’t remember much of at this point. I do think one thing though, I want to focus my attention on one issue at a time because I find myself trying to manage every issue at once and how they relate to one another. Figuring out what to focus on is a matter of pre-requisites. Finding and accepting the kind of love I need for instance would require me to be more in touch with who I am, which seems to be at the core of a lot of things. I can’t truly operate without knowing my own identity. I’ve been thinking the first thing to go hard at is to regain my self perspective. I know what it’s like to “wake up” and remember who I am and my relation to all my memories. I want to get in touch with that and make that more constant. Without that it feels like I’m behaving like a robot or conforming to a character, not acting authentically.

4:30 PM

Earlier while I was idling in VRchat while working on my world, someone asked me what I like to do in my spare time. It’s one of those questions that instantly re-awakens me to the fact that I don’t know what I like and how constantly scary it is to be in this state of not-knowing.

I’ve been having this thing where I see more socially active furries posting about their daily life and achievements and they get a bunch of likes/friends supporting them. My twitter is just dead and makes me feel like I don’t matter sometimes because my friends don’t interact with it. Also I perceive these other furries to be part of larger social circles because they actually participate in discourse. I don’t know how to be a part of this though.

5:49 PM

SMALL exercise that directly applies to my current feelings.

To begin this exercise, first bring to mind an upsetting thought that takes the form ‘I am X’, for example, ‘I am dumb’, ‘I am such a loser’ or ‘I’m so incompetent.’ Preferably pick a thought that often recurs and that usually bothers or upsets you when it does. Now hold that thought in your mind and believe it as much as you can. Focus on it for several seconds. Notice how it affects you.

“My friend doesn’t like me very much.”

It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I might have become too attached and am being led on but I’m so desperate for attention that I stay despite believing that they only keep me around so they don’t hurt me or maybe they want something out of me.

Now take that thought and, in front of it, insert this phrase: ‘I’m having the thought that...’ Now run that thought again, this time with the phrase attached. Think to yourself, ‘I’m having the thought that I am X.’ Notice what happens.

“I’m having the thought that my friend doesn’t like me very much.”

It isn’t very strong but the addition of those words puts distance from the thought. Whereas before it felt true like I was appraising a real thing, recognizing it as a thought rips it from the real world and puts it back into my head. It’s just a way of re-phrasing things to be more “true.” Stating my thoughts straight up is technically lying, or could be since I might not be correct. It’s at least more accurate to announce my thoughts AS thoughts.

11:50 PM

I HATE TALKING TO MYSELF but I want to learn to tolerate it. I hide from myself because past me was cringe and I worry current me is cringe too, or at least not living up to my own expectations. I fear that I do weird things or behave abnormally in a way where if I got perspective on myself, I’d be very unsettled by it and would realize I have to change a lot. But part of changing anything is appraising it first. Part of that comes from observing my own memories with the realization that the me I am now was also there then. Things happened that I experienced. I made decisions that affected me and those around me. I am a person like everyone else and always was.

Anyways today I woke up without feeling like total ass so my pre-prepped dinner and staying hydrated last night made sure I avoided a hangover of sorts. I was surprised how okay I felt today actually. Earlier I was unsure of what to do and started to overthink like usual but I buckled down and worked on my world for just a little bit while hanging out in VRC. Unfortunately as usual I did not do much to report, I wasn’t very captivated by much today. I had a pretty good nut while blowing myself. I did a nice little doodle that turned out to have some weird body proportions that I somehow missed while making it but I did go pretty fast. I watched Twitch like usual in my down time while trying to think of something more meaningful to do. This evening I hung out with Daisy in VC while she sculpted a mini version of her fursuit head for reference. I played Mother 3 again finally and got re-oriented into the game. I’m on the road to finishing it finally.

Maybe I don’t like writing about my day because I barely have anything meaningful to write about. I don’t care about the boring mundane stuff I did. I want to report what I’m proud of and what was eventful. That isn’t much though which is what I’m trying to work on.

I also wish I didn’t pollute these journal entries with all my rants and stuff. Maybe I could make a second, more public journal that is actually just a recount of my days and what is important to me.

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if-you-fan-a-fire · 5 years ago

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“NO HARD LABOR AT JAIL MONOTONY MORE PUNISHING,” Ottawa Citizen. July 13, 1940. --- Idle Life Is Not the Good Life Ottawa Particularly When Encircled by Cement Walls and Iron Bars ---- By DAVID J. LEWIS. MALE PRISONERS when in the county jail no longer wield heavy sledge hammers over a rockpile. But even more punishing is the dreadful monotony of having nothing to do - no way to kill time, which passes so slowly that every minute seems like an hour.

So they yearn, most of them, for the good old days when they could have relieved their boredom by breaking stone for the roads, a job which, in this machine age, is done more efficiently, and cheaper, by machinery. Cost of moving the stone from the jail to the townships was more expensive to the townships than buying it.

Sheriff Sam Crooks and Governor Alonzo Dawson gave me the privilege of going through the jail building, where the prisoners tussle mightily with idleness, talking, smoking, doing anything they can think of to make the hands of the clock turn faster, and doing it, apparently, without much success.

Not a Happy Life Take it from them that the idle life is not the good life - not, anyway, when it is encircled by cement walls and iron bars.

I saw three of the 78 prisoners incarcerated in the county bastille meandering up and down their cell corridor trying to sing "South of the Border.” They had just had one meal and all they had to do was wait for the next.

Another 20 prisoners were in the dining hall downstairs. They were sitting about in their blue overalls, the prison uniform, laboriously engaged in the tedious task of wasting time. They obeyed the turnkey's order to line up but they didn't make haste. When you have three months to walk 10 feet and turn around, you don't hurry.

One would expect the turnkeys would have a tough time getting chefs for the kitchen. The question is further complicated by extremely rapid turnover of prisoners. As soon as they get one trusty broken in as chief cook, his ticket et admission expires and they have to look around for a new one.

Food Looked Good. Despite this the food looks good at "Castle Dawson". However I wasn't allowed to eat any. Turnkeys have to bring their own meals and visiting reporters go hungry.

Here is a sample day's menu: Breakfast, porridge, milk and sugar, bread and tea. Dinner: meat, potatoes, carrots, tea and bread. Supper: sausages and potatoes, beans, dessert with molasses, tea and bread.

The governor showed me the garden where much of the food is grown. The garden Iooks a lot better than most amateur efforts in spite of the disinterested attitude of the gardeners. Enough carrots were grown last year to keep the jail supplied until the middle of February.

What Trusties Do. Trusties run the jail workshop, the laundry, and barbershop. They are given the privilege of running around loose Inside the jail during the day and they are not locked into the cells until 8.30, an hour and a half after the others.

The cells are snug enough in their way. On the south side they are three feet by 10 and on the north twice as wide. The beds seem to have been designed for strength and durability rather than for strict comfort. A pillow and a couple of blankets are supplied, but search failed to disclose anything in the way of a mattress.

I tried out one of the beds for about 30 seconds. Lying on the bed I considered the lot of the Indian fakir on his couch of nails. There seemed little to choose between the two. I learned later that prisoners are granted the prerogative of sleeping under or between the two blankets.

There is no oversleeping. The boys are awakened at six o'clock and get their breakfasts a quarter of an hour later. They clean up their cells and corridors after that and have dinner at 11.30. Sup- per is served at 5.45 and they are locked up in their cells at six. They are allowed to read magazines and books until lights-out at nine. Now and then a bibliophile takes up residence in the house of correction, but very few prisoners bother with anything more than the pictures.

Are Allowed Tobacco. Everyone at the jail was smoking The prisoners can buy tobacco twice a week and they are chewing it or smoking is from dawn to dusk. If they ever stop It is because their funds are too low to buy it or because they were too intemperate after the last date of sale.

Every manjack of them is waiting impatiently the time when he will be able to buy his tobacco again. ////

“lan Sutherland Jail Governor,” Ottawa Citizen. September 4, 1940. --- Will Succeed Alonzo Dawson --- Appointment of Ian A. Sutherland as governor of the Carleton County jail on Nicholas street is expected to be announced within few days.

Mr. Sutherland. an employe of the Canadian National Railways, is secretary of the West Ottawa Liberal Association and has taken an active part in politics in this district for some time.

In his new post, a provincial appointment, he will succeed Alonzo G. Dawson, jail governor for the last 29 years and prior to that clerk of Nepean township, who is slated for retirement.

Governor Dawson has been receiving a salary of $2,000 per annum. The position also carries with it a free apartment in the jail building, heat and light. As governor of the jail Mr. Sutherland will be under the direct supervision of Sheriff Samuel Crooks in Ottawa.

“New Governor of Jail Takes Special Course,” Ottawa Citizen. September 9, 1940. ---- Ian Sutherland, whose appointment as governor of the Carleton County jail was announced recently, is in Toronto receiving special instruction preparatory to resuming his duties. After this, special course he will make a tour of Ontario penal institutions and will return to the Capital in about three weeks, Mr. Sutherland is replacing A. G. Dawson, the present governor, who is retiring.

#ottawa #county jail #ottawa jail #carleton county #life inside #ontario prisons #idlness in prison #prison administration #prison conditions #short term prisoners #canada during world war 2 #crime and punishment in canada #history of crime and punishment in canada

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