#1. the thought of eating sometimes makes me nauseous and 2. i just... forget there's food sitting next to me

[currentlyprocrastinating]

Not really surprising, but: 20/20

I used to think I can't have ADHD because I wasn't hyperactive.

Not everyone can allow themselves to act on their hyperactivity, so we find ways to redirect or hide the understimulation.

(Sneak introduction to the new inattentive Alien! A hommage to a collab I did with René ♥️)

If yo u’d like to support my work, check out my patreon :)

[eelistolvanen]

Bruises that you left behind - Travis Konecny Pt.3

A/N: So since we’ve almost reached 100 notes on Part 2, I finally got the motivation to finish the next part. So thanks to everyone who liked, reblogged or commented! Let me know if you like it! Part 4 is in the works but I’d greatly appreciate some feedback :) 

So here it is, there will finally be some Travis x reader interactions, so buckle up folks ;)

Words: 4.1k

Warnings: Angst, mentions of suspected cheating, no proofread (as usual) 

You can find Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

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You were nursing the worst hangover you’ve ever had the morning after. You’d already drunk enough at the party, but after Kevin had left, once he brought you home, you’d downed a entire bottle of red wine in self pity. You weren��t really sure anymore what triggered your episode. You wanted to blame your outburst against Travis on the alcohol, but deep down you knew there was another reason, the alcohol just aided it. After all this time you were still hurt. You’d never really gotten over it.

Getting out of bed proved to be a real struggle. But after half an hour you were sitting at your kitchen island trying to eat some breakfast. The pounding headache had gotten a bit better after taking some painkillers, but was still noticeable.

For a quick moment you though the ringing in your ears reappeared, then you realised that someone had actually rang your doorbell. You could already imagine who was standing behind the door as you approached it. Not entirely ready to face one of his lectures, but you couldn’t really avoid it.

“Damn, you look a lot worse than I expected you to.” This was all you were greeted with as Nolan moved past you into your apartment.

“It’s nice to see you too, Nols.” You scoffed sarcastically.

He sat down at the kitchen island and waited for you to join him. Both of you stayed silent as Nolan let his gaze wander over the mess in your kitchen. Surprisingly, he didn’t comment on it, a quick headshake was all that you got.

“I know Haysey already told you that we didn’t know that he would show, but I just needed to tell you myself. We really didn’t know. He wasn’t even invited and I have no idea why he thought he needed to make an appearance. I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You knew that he felt bad, just like Kevin. But it wasn’t their fault. And as much as you wished not to have to see him, you also knew that there always was a chance that you’d crossed paths somewhere.

“It’s fine, Nols. I’m not mad and you did nothing wrong, so no need to apologize. It should probably be me apologizing, after all I’m the one who called his girlfriend a puckbunny, so… “

Nolan chuckled at your words. “I’m pretty sure they’re not dating, so don’t be sorry. I mean, I thought it seemed to be very fitting for her but anyway… Let’s forget about that.”

You gladly accepted. The two of you hung out for another hour or so, before Nolan decided that he probably shut head over to Kelsey’s.

 Sometime in the afternoon Kevin texted you and asked if you wanted to hang out in the evening. You agreed to it even though you knew that Kevin would bring up the whole Travis thing as well.

It did take Kevin surprisingly long til he brought Travis up though. And you knew that this conversation was about to come.

“He called me today.” Kevin didn’t have to name any names for you to know he was talking about him. “And he asked about you.”

You waited for him to keep going but he stayed silent.

“So?” Kevin exhaled loudly and made eye contact with you. “I just thought you wanted to know…”

“Do I?” You couldn’t stop your voice from being laced with poison. You were being rude and you knew it. Kevin never asked to be dragged into this.

“Ahh, I don’t know Y/N. Come on, I’m trying here. Well anyway, he wanted to know about you. What you were doing at the party. Why we went together. Why you’re in Philly.”

You felt irritated. Why on earth would he care. He felt. He had no right to ask Kevin about you.

“So you told him, huh?” You were being unfair, you knew you had to stop acting like a bitch towards Kev, but God you couldn’t help it.

“ No, Y/N! I didn’t. I didn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want you to get hurt-“

“You also told him that he wouldn’t show to the party.” That was low, even for you.

“For fucks sake, Y/N! He wasn’t invited, he wasn’t supposed to show up, okay? I get it, you never wanted to see him again but it’s to late now. Just don’t take your anger out on me, I did nothing wrong.”

You deserved to be called out like this. He was right after all, you had taken it out on him. And Nolan. And neither of them did anything wrong.

“So what do I do now? I mean this is the exact reason why I left that life behind. Because even though you’re my family, it also means that everything I tried to avoid is catching up to me. And I don’t know how to handle that, Kev.”

“But you can’t run away anymore, Y/N. You have to face it. And maybe talking to him would do you good. You know, talking like adults. Civilized.” He meant well but you still felt like he was accusing you.

“Civilized? So I don’t know how to talk civilized?” There was disbelief in your voice. Was he serious?

“No, you do… It’s just that swearing at him and calling him names won’t get you anywhere. That’s all I’m saying.” He was right but you still hated to hear it. There was so much pent up emotion inside you, you had to get rid of it somehow.

“I know what you mean Kev. But I can’t just forgive him…”

“And I’m not asking you to. But I know that you want to know the reason and you won’t get an answer unless you talk to him. An I know he wants to talk to you…”

He was speaking softly, quietly asking you to speak to Travis. You were walking a fine line, you knew that. But you were also painfully aware of the fact that you wouldn’t get any better unless you started to face this. Face him. And your feelings towards him.  

----------------

Every turn Kevin made, made you feel more nauseous. The closer you got to him the more you felt like you couldn’t breathe.

“I don’t know if I can do this Kev.” Your voice felt weak, barely above a whisper.

Kevin quickly glanced over to you in the passenger seat. A worried look flashed over his face.

“Yes you can, Y/N. At least try okay? You agreed to meet him and if it gets to much, I’m gonna be waiting in the car, okay? And I’ll keep an eye on you.”

You felt yourself relax slightly. You were still nervous but knowing that Kevin was close by, put you slightly at ease. You had to do this. For you.  

Kevin parked the car in a parking space beside the sidewalk, only meters from the entrance to the park. You hadn’t been here in a while. You hadn’t been here many times anyway. A couple of times with Travis, when you were walking the dogs. It wasn’t your usual spot, which was exactly the reason why you choose it. It didn’t hold any particular memories that could hurt you. You barely even remembered what this park looked like. Kevin pulled you out of your thoughts as he put his hand on your shoulder.

“Y/N. You can do this. And I’m here, okay?” You could feel him squeeze your shoulder as you slowly nodded and got out of the car.

You saw him as soon as you walked through the entrance of the park. He had his back to you and you couldn’t see his face but you would always recognize his silhouette. You felt your heart get heavy. You started to walk towards him, fighting all the urges to turn around and run away from him as fast as you could. He hadn’t noticed you, so you could still pull out. But once you got within a 10 feet he must have heard your footsteps. He wiped around quickly and you were left wondering how this movement didn’t give him whiplash.

“Y/N. You came.” His voice was quiet and he send you a quick smile. It didn’t reach his eyes though, they were filled with sorrow. His sad smile made your heart ache.

You looked at him. For the first time in almost 2.5 years you really looked at him. You almost felt yourself taken aback at the dark rings underneath his eyes. He looked tired, exhausted even and completely worn out. In a way he looked almost the same than he used to. But in some way he also looked like a completely different person. The radiance, the light that he used to give off seemingly had vanished. His bubbliness seemed to have made space for something darker. He looked hollow, almost as if the Travis standing in front of you was a ghost of the man he used to be. To a stranger he probably would have looked completely normal. Physically he hadn’t really changed that much, but all those little things that made Travis Travis weren’t there anymore.

He had noticed your shocked expression as well as you gave him a one over.

“I look like shit, huh?” He was trying to lighten the mood, but if anything it made it worse.

“No no, you just look… different.” You knew he didn’t buy your lie, but you didn’t feel like pity him so you did what you did so well. Turn defensive.

“So your girlfriend let you go and talk to me?” Travis scoffed at your words.

“She’s not my girlfriend. And you don’t have to worry about her, you won’t see her around again.”

“I still shouldn’t have called her a puckbunny. That was low.” You genuinely felt sorry about it. Even if she was one of those girls, calling her out in front of the entire team wasn’t your proudest moment.

Travis chuckled slightly. “Nah, it’s fine.” His expression turned serious again, almost sour. “You and Hayesy, huh?”

At first you didn’t even understand what he meant. It took you a moment to regain your composure.

“What? No, we’re friends. Same as we’ve always been. Nothing more.”

At first he looked sceptical but slowly he seemed to relax. Which then sparked anger inside of you.

“It shouldn’t really be any of your concern though, I mean what do you care? You left me.”

Your emotions were bubbling inside of you. And as hard as you tried tears were scarily close to spill as you tried to choke back your pain.

He groaned loudly. “I know. I fucked up. I made a mistake. And I’m so sorry for doing this to you, Y/N.”

This was too much for you. You couldn’t hold back your emotions anymore. Tears were rolling down your cheeks.

“You just left and I’ve never heard of you since. Not even a single word. Nothing.”

“That’s not true, Y/N. I reached out to you. Afterwards. But it was too late. When I came back to our house the first time after that day, you were gone. Every trace of you had vanished. An I tried to call, but I could never get through to you. And eventually I had to accept that I lost you.”

“Don’t put this on me! What did you expect Travis? That I’d wait around in our house hoping that maybe one day you’d return? That maybe it was all just some sick joke? You left me standing on our wedding day and you don’t get to blame me for trying to pick myself up again and start fresh.”

He stayed silent for a while. The guilt seemed to consume him. He abandoned the most important thing in his life and he knew that you had every right to hate him. He had no right to ask you for forgiveness and he knew that. But that didn’t meant that he wouldn’t at least try to mend the things he broke. You could hear him inhale sharply.

“I know that I hurt you. I fucked up, big time. And I’m painfully aware of it.” Even a complete stranger would have been able to identify the pained expression on Travis’ face. He was being completely honest with you. Not that it mattered though.

“Yeah, you did. You broke me Travis, you realise that, right?” He felt like someone shot a dagger through his heart. He knew he hurt you. Badly. But hearing you say it made it real. He would never be able to forgive himself. And you wouldn’t either, Travis was sure of that.

“I know Y/N, just tell me what I can do to make it better. Please, Y/N! I want to fix this. Fix us.”

He had tears in his eyes. You could see that he wanted to touch you, hug you, comfort you but he also knew that it wasn’t his place to do so anymore. It killed you to see him like that. So broken. How ironic. Both of you broken beyond repair.

“You can’t, Travis. This isn’t something you can fix.” You paused, thinking over your next words.

“You know I wish there was a evident reason, one that I knew back then. That you had some mistress, stopped loving me or something. But… I thought everything was fine. I thought we were great. I had no indication that something went wrong between us and I think this is why it hurts so much. One day everything seemed great and the next… everything was completely shattered.”

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes. Quickly you turned around. You couldn’t do this. Standing across from him, talking to him, hearing his voice. All it did was remind you of the pain he put you through.

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”  He tried to reach out to you, catch your arms but you slipped out of his grip before he could get any closer. “Y/N!” But his pleads fell onto deaf ears. You’d already turned your back to him and were walking away as you heard him speak up again. It was quiet but you could hear it clear as day.

“I still love you Y/N! You have to know that. And I will never stop loving you, even if you hate me now.”

A quiet sob escaped your lips. This is why you wanted to stay as far away from his as possible. Nobody was able to hurt you like he did, even if he didn’t intent to. So you kept on walking.

When Travis left the park he caught a glimpse of you, sitting in Kevin’s car, seemingly hugging him. And although he knew that you had been honest with him when he asked you about Kevin, he couldn’t help but feel jealous. Jealous that someone else was the one comforting you now, when it used to be him who held you when you felt like you were falling apart. Jealous that someone else got to go to a Halloween party with you and dress up in stupid costumes. Jealous that someone else got to see you smile now.

Because this should have been him.

 -----------

You were sitting on Nolan’s couch, trying to figure out how your life slipped from you, when you thought you had everything. You tried not to think back to that day, but every time you thought about Travis the memories just kept resurfacing. You couldn’t get his face off your mind, it almost seemed like his image had burned itself into your memory.

Someone ringing the doorbell ripped you from your thoughts.

“Are you expecting anyone?” He didn’t answer, he just gave you a quick headshake before making his way to the door. You didn’t want to eavesdrop but your curiosity took over. You felt yourself freeze as you recognized the voice at the door.

“I need to talk to you, Pat.” There was urgency in his voice, he sounded almost desperate.

You could Nolan calmly reply: “Now is not a good time, Travis.”

“But it’s important. Please.” It really must have been important, considering that Travis didn’t usually begged for someone’s attention like that.

“I.. I can’t, Teeks, I’m busy.“ You couldn’t see Nolan’s face but you could sense the uneasiness in his voice. And of course Travis had picked up on it to.

“You’re busy?... She’s here, isn’t she?” You couldn’t hear Nolan’s answer but the commotion coming from the hallway pretty much gave away that Travis knew that you were here. You could hear Nolan and Travis speaking over each other and moments later you could hear footsteps coming down the Hall. You could hear Nolan telling Travis that he needed to leave.

“I have to talk to her.” With that he appeared in the living room. “Y/N.” It was more breathed over his lips than actually spoken and it instantly send shivers down your spine.

“What are you doing here Travis?” You felt so little, sitting curled up on Nolan’s couch while he was standing in the entry of the living room.  

“Can we talk? Again?” He seemed surprisingly calm. He was wearing a snapback and that yellow hoodie that you used to love so much. He used to radiate almost as much brightness as his hoodie, but now he constantly seemed as if someone dimmed his light. He looked tired, just as the other day.

“We have talked.” You tired to be as cold as possible, trying to shield you from the emotions that were rising inside of you.

“Yeah, and you ran away.” You sucked in air, trying to interject before he spoke up again but you came up empty.

“Please Y/N. And if you feel like it’s too much or you want me to leave I’ll leave, just let me at least try to explain.”

You wouldn’t get rid off him that quickly, so you took a deep breath before nodding.

You led him out of the living room towards Nolan’s bedroom. As much as you wanted Nolan by your side you knew that you needed to have this conversation in private.

Once the door was closed you looked at Travis expectantly. He seemed to be fighting for words.

“So? You wanted to talk. So talk.” You were being cold but you didn’t feel like standing in a room with Travis while the both off you stared at each other in silence. As if there wasn’t already enough tension between the two of you when you spoke.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I-“ You interrupted him. Was he really doing this again?

“Yeah, you already said that.” You crossed your arms over your chest.

“And I mean it. And you need to know that. I know that I hurt you. Badly. And there’s nothing that I regret more than walking away that day. I made a mistake and I ruined my life with it. And there’s not a day in my life where I don’t wish I could undo what I’ve done.”

“Well, you can’t Travis! Did they tell you that I tried to come after you? That I tried to track you down? Tried to find you and change your mind? Only to find out that you had packed a bag and already left the country? And then you flew to..”

Your voice broke, your eyes were teary and you felt like you could barely breathe. The guilt on his face made you feel nauseous.

“Why?! Why Travis, just tell me why you did it?” You sounded raspy, you barely recognized your own voice.

“You know why, Y/N.” “No, I don’t! You never bothered to tell me. YOU JUST LEFT, without a word!”

He took a step back in surprise, certainly not expecting this outburst from you.

“You read the letter, I didn’t know how to tell you in person.”

A humourless laugh came from your lips.

“I never read the letter. I burned it.” Your entire body was trembling now. You weren’t sure why though. Maybe you were nervous, anxious even or maybe it was the anger inside of you.  

“You.. burned… the letter.” He was in such shock at your words he nearly seemed to swallow his own tongue. He stood frozen, unable to move even a single muscle. This was the last thing he expected you to admit to him.  

“I just… I don’t get it, Travis! What have I ever done to you to deserve this? What did I do to you to have a reason to leave me standing at the altar?” Your voice softened, ”What happened, Trav?”

He looked like a fish out of water. He was still fighting for words, closing and opening his mouth. If you weren’t so hurt and angry you could have laughed at his expressions.

“I.. I don’t know Y/N. I just couldn’t do it.”

Anger started to rise up in your chest. God, you wanted to punch him. He’d always been a bad liar, you could smell his lies miles away.

“That’s bullshit Travis! We both know that, so stop lying to my face. You know how much I hate lying. You were able to write it in a letter but you can’t say it to my face?!” You tried to calm yourself. Take some deep breaths and steady your breathing. To no luck. Even Travis could see your trembling hands. You let out a shaky breath and kept going: “Was there someone else? Is that it?”

Your jaw clenches at that thought, you really didn’t think that Travis would ever cheat but who knows. You also didn’t think he would leave you on your wedding day but here you where.  Apparently you didn’t knew him as well as you thought you did. He seemed absolutely frozen for a moment, too shocked at your accusation to answer. But his hesitation was leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

“No, Y/N! That’s not the reason-” “So what is it then? God Travis, just tell me. What on earth could have possibly been a reason to break off our engagement? Our relationship. Years spent together and without a warning you left.” You felt yourself starting to crack, a lump started to form in your throat and you knew that you would break soon enough. “ Did you just suddenly, one day to the next, stop loving me? Did you fall out of love? Was I just not good enough for you? What happened, Travis? Why did you leave me?” You weren’t even gonna try to hold back the tears streaming down your face. You just let them all out, sobs racked your body. The anger had left your body now and made way for the endless pain you felt when thinking about that day. You completely broke down in front of him

“Y/N…”

He knew that there was nothing he could say that would ease your pain. The damage was already done. You could feel Travis trying to reach out to you, but you pushed him away. You couldn’t see the expression on him face but if you did, you’d seen the agony that mirrored yours. When you let out a sorrowful quiet cry, he couldn’t compose himself anymore. He couldn’t watch you being in this much pain. He’d never hated himself more than in this moment. He knew that he was the reason for all this pain. So he fled the room.

Nolan stormed into the room only seconds later. Wrapping his body around his, as if he was trying to keep all the broken pieces together. And for what felt like eternity he just held you like that, at least you knew that he wasn’t going to let go of you.

“I think there was someone else, Nolan.” You broke the silence first, knowing that Nolan would give you as much time as you needed. The confused look Nolan gave you now, told you that he wasn’t exactly following what you were saying.

“That’s why he left. There was someone else. That-“ Nolan interrupted you before you could get another word out.

“This can’t be. Someone would have known. He would have told someone by now. I mean, did he admit that there was someone else?”

“Not technically, but he kinda hesitated when I brought it up. And he also didn’t actively deny it, so..”

Your voice started to cut out and you could feel the lump in your throat form. You were so sure of it now that you thought about it. His hesitation, the way he deflected the question. This had to be the reason. There was nothing else that could have been the reason.

“There was someone else, I just know it.”

Part 4 

[horansqueen]

New Angel - Chapter 11

story masterlist [x]

chapter 1  ☆ chapter 2  ☆ chapter 3  ☆ chapter 4  ☆ chapter 5  ☆ chapter 6  ☆ chapter 7  ☆ chapter 8 ☆ chapter 9 ☆ chapter 10

NOTES

☆ written from Niall’s pov ☆ i don’t proofread, I never do, I hate it. ☆ AU comedy/fluff/smut/romance ☆ 2.6k ☆ i accept requests and ideas for this story, so message me in my inbox! ☆ if you want to be notified when this story is updated (or be taken off the update list) CLICK HERE

NIALL

We remained half an hour together in silence. I tried to focus on her breathing or the way her fingers would squeeze mine from time to time. After a while though, I decided to get up and ask everyone to leave. It took me twenty minutes until the apartment was empty but I couldn't lie and pretend I hadn't noticed Louis' shoes near the door along with a pair I had never seen before. Thinking that we would all have to eat breakfast together on the next morning was making me nauseous but I decided not to mention anything to Millie.

"Wow, it's so quiet. Did you kill everyone?" she asked with a smirk, making me chuckle as I leaned against her door frame.

"Told them to leave. I just thought it was late enough."

"Thank you, Niall. For... listening."

I glanced at the hall and decided to walk back in her room and close the door behind me. I was pretty sure Louis couldn't hear anything or that he would even want to, or try to, but I didn't want to take the chance.

"How do you feel?" I asked softly, walking closer to her as she sat up and leaned against the wall behind her.

"Like shit." she admitted, shrugging a shoulder. "I spent all night crying, and I want to do that again right now but I'm exhausted. I just don't want Louis to know, because I don't want him to feel bad. I'm so... scared to lose him completely."

I blinked a few times, feeling my heart twist in my chest at her confession, and finally licked my lips. "Wait here."

I didn't wait for her answer and quickly rushed out to reach the kitchen. I was gone for less than a minute and when I closed the door behind me again, I held the wine bottle to Millie and kept the vodka one before sitting back on her bed, facing her. She laughed and shook her head, already a bit tipsy, and tilted her head a bit, still staring at me.

"That's the best remedy when you feel like shit."

"One that you end up regretting in the morning." she pointed out, raising her eyebrows with a grin.

I shrugged and took a sip of vodka, trying not to make a grimace as it burned my throat. "They say what matters is now, so let's numb that pain."

Once again, Millie laughed and took a long sip of wine. The more she drank, the more my lips curled and after a while, I decided to go sit next to her, if only to be able to lean against the wall. I was feeling dizzy and blinked a few times to see better, but I also felt in peace and happy. I didn't want to think about Grace and how she broke my heart. I didn't want to think about Summer and her confession. I just wanted to get drunk and forget that I even had a heart at all. I wanted to forget that it was broken, that it was aching, that it was beating.

"I don't think you can really lose Louis." I admitted after we joked and laughed for over an hour. "A friendship like the three of us have... it can't be broken like that."

"People change, Niall. You and I were not really close a few weeks ago. You seriously got on my nerves and I was pretty sure I was annoying you, too."

I smiled sadly and turned to her, feeling my lips curl into a fond smile despite myself. I was drunk and tired but I knew exactly what I was saying and I couldn't lie to her anyway.

"Yea, you got on my nerves. You still do, but a bit differently. I never met anyone else who was so... honest and open about everything. It can be a shock sometimes, but I'm getting used to it."

Millie grabbed the bottle of vodka from my hands and that's when I realized that she had swallowed what was left of the wine. She took a small sip and wiped her mouth with the back of her hands before giving me the bottle back.

"I've been lied to so much. I've been... played, and cheated on, and had my heart broken. I told you, I know a lot about break ups." she admitted right before her eyes met mine. I could read how sad and hurt she was and I wanted to take her in my arms to comfort her. "I was always quite forward but when I was 14, after my first break up, I decided I'd never lie. I know sometimes I'm rude and I'm sorry. I'll work on that."

"I'm mostly used to hypocrite people. They don't know that I can read them and know what they really think. The cool thing with you is that I always know what you really think. That's not a flaw." I said before my voice became softer. "I don't get why you're lying to Louis about your feelings, though. Why are you sparing him?"

Her small smile fell and I could see her eyes water but we both remained motionless. "It's me I'm trying to save, Niall. It's a selfish move. I'm not trying to get him back, or show him what he's missing. I'm trying to get over him quick so I can get my friend back."

The fact that we were both trying to get over someone we had feelings for, even if for different reason, made me feel suddenly closer to her. The story was different, the relationships were different, but that hole in our chests was the exact same, I knew it.

"Maybe you should try to find a friends with benefits like what I have with Summer." I shrugged a shoulder, making her chuckle low.

"That's what I had with Louis apparently. I think I'm gonna pass for now."

I let my eyes roam on her face and she leaned her head against the wall, closing her eyes. She looked miserable and I knew I probably looked just as bad. I started asking myself if she was right, and if maybe I shouldn't have started something with someone so soon, even if it was just a sex thing. I was not ready and I felt like I was just playing with Summer. I had been clear, or at least I thought I had, but with what she had told me earlier at the party I knew I was going to have to take a decision and then have a painful discussion with her. It made me want to lock me here, with Millie, and never come out.

"You're gonna miss having sex." I pointed out.

She opened her eyes as her eyebrows raised and when she turned her head my way, her lips curled into an amused smile. "Why do you think that?"

"I heard you and Louis," I started with a chuckle, shaking my head. "I only have three words : hard, intense and often."

I felt my heart jump in my chest, feeling suddenly bad that I brought up Louis again, along with a few good memories they had and I was pretty sure a few of those sexual encounters were playing in her mind at that exact moment but she just smiled more before bursting out in laughter.

"Okay, maybe you're right, Niall!" she admitted in-between chuckles. "I'm probably gonna miss sex! But I have hands. And toys. I'll be okay. Maybe you'll even hear me again!"

My face twisted in a grimace and I let out a short groan, making her laugh even more. She pushed me gently and I nudged her back. "That's way too much info!"

"Hey, if no one's gonna take care of my libido, then I will!" she argued with a big smile. "I know you touch yourself too, even when you were with Grace, and even now that you literally have a fuck buddy. It's just human nature."

"Maybe, but at least I'm discreet and quiet!"

"Probably because your orgasms are weak."

We both started laughing and when I glanced at her, she was laughing so hard that a few tears were falling down her cheeks.

I don't know how long we chatted and I couldn't remember when I fell asleep but I woke up in the middle of the night with a headache and feeling quite nauseous. I got up slowly and with difficulty, trying not to wake Millie up, and dragging my feet until the bathroom. I swallowed some meds and ended up drinking two full glasses of water before leaning against the counter and closing my eyes. It's only when I got out of the bathroom that I heard noises coming from the living room. I walked slowly, seeing lights moving around and frowned before realizing it was probably the tv. I stopped near the wall, leaning the side of my body against it until Louis looked up at me with tired eyes and a sorry smile.

"Are you still mad at me?"

I stared at him a few seconds and sighed low before shaking my head. His smile got slightly bigger and I walked to him, letting myself fall on the couch. I grimaced again as the pain in my head started thumping harder but I just closed my eyes for a few seconds and finally turned to Louis again.

"Mill told me she's the one who told you that you could bring your girlfriend." I admitted, debating whether or not I could say more without betraying Millie. "It's just.. Tommo, you should know better."

"I don't know, Niall." he started, looking down at his hands as he played nervously with his fingers. "I don't want to hurt Millie, but I'm so in love with Eleanor... I've never loved anyone like that, and I know I'll never feel like that for anyone ever again in my life. I know you can understand, right? I know you've been through that before."

His voice was soft and he didn't have to tell me how he felt. Just the way he pronounced her name, the way he talked about her, I knew he was head over heels in love with her. He was gentle and soft with Millie too, but never the way he was with his new girlfriend. I could almost see hearts in his eyes, even in the darkness of the room.

"I still love Grace, but if she came back, I don't know if I'd want to try again with her. She betrayed me and she broke me." I explained, shrugging a shoulder and staring into space as my ex girlfriend's face appeared in my mind. "I don't think I'd ever be able to trust her again."

"Do you think... Millie will ever trust me again?"

I held my breath and turned to look at him, blinking a few times. He looked sincerely scared and I sent him a small smile before nodding slowly. "Yea, probably. But it'll take time."

Their friendship seemed to be important for both of them and I couldn't help but hope it would get solved, too. Perhaps it was a bit selfish but I didn't want to be stuck in the middle of all this. I just wanted us to be friends like we used to be, and even closer, since I was now building a real and strong friendship with Millie. It was crazy to think that our broken hearts made us bond and it was a bit sad at the same time, but I guess it's true when they say that something good always comes out of a bad experience. Millie was my 'good thing' and I was thankful for her.

"It's cool that she's got you." Louis confessed in a low tone. "I've been a bad friend to her recently... or whatever you want to call the relationship we used to have. I mean, Im surprised. Millie doesn't trust easily. But it's cool."

I didn't want to tell him that all Millie needed was someone to care and listen to her but it's still what I thought. Somehow, she seemed to step aside or hide so no one would really ask about her. She was so used to help people but was uncomfortable when I was trying to help her in return. Shouldn't Louis know that?

"I'm happy I have her, too."

---

I could have walked back to my room to sleep in my bed but I hesitated, standing in the middle of the hall, my eyes moving from my door to Millie's door over and over again. I finally walked back in her room slowly to make sure I wouldn't wake her up and lied back down in bed next to her, over the covers. I brought my hands under my head and stared at the ceiling for what seemed like hours. I couldn't stop thinking about Grace and Summer, trying to find out how I felt for them and what I could do about it. I finally turned on my side and fell asleep staring at Millie's back.

Unfortunately, the doorbell woke me up very early the next morning, or so I thought. I could feel the sun hitting my eyes and I groaned low, turning around and pushing my face in one of Millie's pillows. There was no way I was going to answer the door. I was not alone here and I was clearly hungover which, in my opinion, deserved a few more hours of sleep. I was about to fall back into slumber when it rang again. This time, Millie groaned next to me and moved a bit.

"There's someone annoying at the door!" she yelled in a mumble to whoever wanted to hear.

No one answered and I started wondering if Louis was still home or if he had left earlier with his girlfriend. I wanted to say he took into consideration what I had told him the night before and that he was kind enough to spare Millie some more pain and at the same time, I wanted him to be there so I wouldn't have to go answer the door.

It rang for the third time and Millie and I groaned at the exact same time, making me chuckle tiredly.

"Please Niall? Can you go?" she asked in a smooth and honeyed voice. "I'm heartbroken."

"I'm heartbroken too." I muttered low, my face still pressed on her pillow.

"Mine is more recent."

I tried to find an argument but finally just groaned and forced myself to get up. I grabbed a pillow and threw it at her head, making her chuckle sleepily.

"Next time it's you!"

"Yea yea..."

I rolled my eyes with a small smile and once again dragged my feet to the front door. I yawned and passed my hand in my hair, noticing how messy it was. As I opened the door, I told myself that perhaps I should have get dressed by my mind went completely blank when my eyes met the person on the other side of the door. My heart sank in my chest and my lips parted but I couldn't seem to move.

"Grace?"

The look she sent me was a mix of hope and guilt and it made me frown. I couldn't help but think that I had called it by discussing it with Louis during the night and at the same time, I was trying to tell myself that she was probably just here because of something she forgot in my room. After all, last time she was here was because she needed her passport, right?

"Niall, I really need to talk to you."

[asciendo]

Expecting

Make it Right Series Chapter 18

Jean was the cocky bastard that walked around like he owned the place. Y/N couldn’t stand him so when the time came that you were his sparring partner, you couldn’t wait to teach him a lesson.

Little did the both of you know, that sparring match would be the start of your unexpected relationship with Jean Kirschtein, that will change your life, and the rest of the Scout Regiment forever.

Chapter 1/Chapter 2/Chapter 3/Chapter 4/Chapter 5/Chapter 6/Chapter 7/Chapter 8/Chapter 9/Chapter 10/Chapter 11/Chapter 12/Chapter 13/Chapter 14/Chapter 15/Chapter 16/Chapter 17/Chapter 19/Chapter 20/Chapter 21

Tag list:  @empty-glass-full-of-emotion @dai-tsukki-desu @usernamehere91@princess-peaches1 @thestrugglesofateenagedirtbag

The last few months were unsettling to say the least. The Scouts were somewhat placed on probation after the failure of a mission with Reiner and Bertholdt and there was that confrontation with Historia's father and Kenny Ackerman.

You have been lounging around HQ for months, and you found yourself getting irritated easily over everything.

"Can I have your bread?" Sasha asked you as you ate dinner and you just glared at her. "Sorry...you usually give me your food..."

"Well Y/N's been eating more lately, Sasha. Stick to your own meal." Jean stated which caused to you glare at him. "What?" He asked with a clueless expression on your face as you rolled your eyes at him.

Jean didn't know what he did wrong, your mood swings were a staple in your relationship and even though he asked you what he did, you'd say it was nothing. There were times when he'd sneak in your room at night, you'd groan at his touch, but there were also moments when you'd pull him into a closet and have your way with him.

It was like waking up every day wondering what version you would be next.

That night as you rested on Jean's chest, he decided to ask you what was going on.

"Y/N..."

"Mmm?" you yawned as you were ready to fall asleep. "Is there something wrong?" Jean asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...are you alright?" He asked again and you peered one eye open. "Yeah? Why would there be anything wrong?"

"It's just..." he began, and you motioned him to continue.

"It's just... you've been different lately, sometimes you're all over me and sometimes you can't stand to be around me...is it your uhm...lady thing?" Jean asked hesitantly and you sat up to look at him.

"What lady thing?" Jean's expression was a mixture of confusion and fear as the tone of your voice rose. "You know...that time of the month..."

"Just because I'm not all over you doesn't mean I'm on my period!" You yelled and Jean shot back.

"I'm sorry alright! It's just—"

"Just what?!" You continued to yell at a very confused Jean. "Forget it." He rolls his eyes and attempts to sleep.

"You know what...you should just go." You turn away from him. "What?" Jean's eyes shot open as you refuse to look at him.

"Just go, you're annoying me."

"Are you serious?!" Jean was trying to nudge you to look at him, but you refused. "Yes."

Jean left that night wondering what he did.

The next day, Jean is suddenly pulled into an empty room and feels your lips on his.

"Hey, hey..." he pulls away and you pout. "What is this?" he asks, and you look back at him. "What do you mean?"

"Last night you couldn't stand to be around me and now you're all over me?"

"Do you want me to stop?" you tease, and he fights the urge to give in. "Look, I'm sorry...I think...everything is just getting to me and I don't know to take it."

Jean suddenly feels sorry for you and kisses your forehead. "It's alright, just don't leave me alright?" you looked up at him and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Never."

The following weeks, your mood improved but your health degraded. Every morning, you would barf your lungs out. Jean thought it was food poisoning, but it continued for days.

When you had mock missions, you seemed to be weaker and would slow down quicker than the others. Jean would always glance back at you nervously then jog next to you to make sure you were okay. Despite assuring him you were fine, Jean never left your side.

He finally got you to go to the infirmary as you rolled your eyes as you sat up on the hospital bed.

"I'm going to help Connie with some of the weapons, I'll be back."

"I hate you." You rolled your eyes and he chuckled.

"No you don't." he winked and left.

The doctor did some tests on you even though you insisted it was just the flu. She was gone for an hour and you were getting impatient. Suddenly, the door swung open and she enters with Levi, Erwin and Hange.

You stare at them with a confused look on your face. Levi looked solemn, which was strange as he rarely showed any emotion. Hange seemed to be in a panic and Erwin just looked at you.

Your heart dropped. What was it? You weren't feeling anything unusual, Jean is just overprotective they thought.

Suddenly, the four of them approached your bed and you scooted back a little.

"W-what's wrong?" you were scared. You always knew there was a chance of you dying on a mission but never thought your health was would ever be an issue.

"Y/N...how have you been feeling?" Erwin began. "U-uhm I just get nauseous more often...but it's nothing serious, I'm fine, Sir!" Hange looks at Erwin and he nods.

"When was the last time..." Hange began but couldn't seem to finish her sentence.

"The last time...?" you tried to encourage her to finish but she still kept looking at Erwin.

"Y/N you're pregnant." Levi spat out and Erwin looked down. Hange looked at you with sorrow and you froze. You couldn't even think.

"W-what? N-no, that's impossible!" the information wasn't sinking in, it had to be a joke.

"This is some sort of joke, right? I-I mean..." you were looking at their faces for any hint of a smile or a chuckle but their expressions remained the same.

"I'm sorry..." Hange began and you couldn't hold it in anymore, you began to sob.

"Y/N...you're still going to be a Scout...but until the child is born, you're going to stay here when we resume with our missions." Erwin stated.

"I'm sorry...we weren't thinking—" you began but Levi held his hand up. "Don't. You don't have to apologize."

"Do you want to tell him?" Hange asked. Everyone knew about your relationship with Jean as he'd occasionally get caught sneaking into your room.

Jean. What were you going to say to him? You began to curse at yourself. He was already so stressed about trying to save everyone and now you're adding to his worries.

Suddenly, without thinking, you placed your feet on the floor. The four adults watched you. "Do you need to go to the restroom?" Erwin asked. You needed this to stop. You needed to get away. Without thinking, you slipped on your shoes and ran.

[beanfic]

Simple Mistake - Ch.2

Pairing: Tyler Joseph x reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: aftermath of drinking (so throwing up lol), some good ol’ angst and i think that is it?

Author’s note: chapter 2! i hope you guys enjoy and i’m sorry for making tyler a big ol’ cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Chapter 1 || next chapter

You barely had a chance to process what just happened before a wave of nausea hit you, and you moved as quickly as your legs could take you towards the restroom. You slammed open a stall and spewed your guts, which was mostly just alcohol, into the toilet.

“I’m so stupid,” you muttered. You sat on your knees in front of the toilet, and while you were sitting still, the ground beneath you was moving. You knew you had to stand up and go find your friends to take you home, but you weren’t sure if you were capable of having that fine of motor skills.

“You doing okay?” a voice chirped from outside of your stall. 

“Yep,” you snapped back. 

“We have to pee, get off the floor!” another voice shouted. You responded back with a groan as you lifted yourself off the floor, flushing the toilet. You opened the door and rushed out of there, forgetting about the fact that you didn’t even wash your hands. 

You pushed yourself through the busy crowd, not caring about personal space or anything. Your only goal was to reach either Josh or Y/F/N. The faster you moved, the more the floor would spin underneath you, and it was difficult for you to even walk straight.

“Y/N?” You spun around quickly at the sound of your name, but the floor that your feet were once on was quickly heading to your face. Right before you landed on the floor, you collided into arms that held you up. “I got you.”

“Josh?” You looked up at the familiar face. 

“Are you okay? What’s going on?” his words slurred together, but you still understood what he was asking. 

You shook your head, “I want to go home.” 

“Okay, let’s find Y/F/N and Tyler.”

“He’s g-gone,” you stammered. Your arm was wrapped around Josh’s shoulder as he supported you. You watched him wave Y/F/N over.

“What happened?” they asked as they moved some of your hair out of your face. 

“I’m not sure but I think it’s time to go home. I’m not sure where Tyler went. Can you call an Uber while I call him?” Josh was instantly sobering up as he knew that he needed to take care of you. 

“Yeah, c’mon Y/N, let’s go outside and get some fresh air.” They took your arm so it was wrapped around their neck, and their hand wrapped around your waist. You took slow and steady breaths, making sure you didn’t puke again or pass out. 

It was around 2 am and the street lamps were the only source of light on the empty street. The rain was slowly falling on your face, but it felt good after you were stuck inside the hot and crowded bar. 

“What happened?” they asked you. You couldn’t even lift your eyes to look at them.

“He kissed m-me.” Once you spoke those words, the tears came instantly. Y/F/N’s arms were around you quickly, rubbing small circles into your back.

“What do you mean? Tyler did?”

You nodded, “he asked me t-to, and I d-didn’t stop him. He has a girlfriend, I’m an i-idiot.” 

“You are not an idiot, you both were drunk.”

“I t-told him.” You couldn’t stop shaking your head. 

“How you feel?”

“Yes, and then he kissed me!” you shouted with anger. You weren’t sure which emotion you were supposed to feel right now, as your brain felt like a jumbled mess. 

“Y/N, shh, it’s okay. You can talk to him tomorrow.” 

“Is everything okay?” Josh finally came outside and met up with you two.

“The uber should be here in like ten minutes, did you get a hold of Tyler?”

Josh nodded, “He took an uber home and is back at the apartment. He didn’t tell me what happened though.”

“He kissed me,” you blurted out.

“What?” Josh whipped his head around to where you were standing. He noticed your swollen, red eyes and came over to give you a hug.

“I told him that I like him and he kissed me,” you repeated once again, but this time more calmly. You were sobering up quickly, most likely because you had thrown up almost all the contents inside your stomach. 

“But Jen,” Josh whispered.

“You don’t think I know that?” you shoved Josh away, tears once again forming.

“Y/N-”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You won’t be able to do anything about it tonight,” Y/F/N spoke. “We need to just go home and we can figure stuff out tomorrow morning.”

“Okay,” you sniffled. 

The Uber finally arrived and you laid on Y/F/N’s lap in the back, while Josh took the passenger seat. 

“I don’t want to go home,” you muttered.

“Hm?” Josh turned around.

“I don’t want my Mom to see me like this and I don’t want to tell her what happened.”

“You can stay at the apartment and sleep in my bed, I can take the couch,” Josh suggested, knowing that Y/F/N didn’t have room.

“But Tyler.”

“He always sleeps in, and you can leave tomorrow morning.”

“Or you guys could talk about it tomorrow as well,” Y/F/N advised.

“I don’t ever want to face him again,” you closed your eyes tightly.

“It’s okay,” Josh reached back and rubbed your shoulder. 

Once the Uber reached the boys’ apartment, you were almost sobered up. It was around 3 am, and all you wanted to do was go to sleep. You followed Josh into his apartment, knowing that Tyler was probably asleep in his room.

“Feel free to sleep in my pajamas, they’re in that drawer,” he nodded towards his dresser. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you, Josh. Goodnight.” 

“Night, Y/N. Sleep well.” He started to close the door but opened it back up again. “You know, Y/N, sometimes drunk actions can reveal sober thoughts,” and then he shut the door before you could ask him what he meant. 

Was he talking about Tyler’s sober thoughts? Was he saying that Tyler also shared the same feelings for you? But he was with Jen? You rubbed your temples, you really needed to get some rest before the hangover kicked in. 

Josh’s clothes were huge on you, but you didn’t care. You shuffled under the comforter and closed your eyes. The memory of Tyler’s lips kissing you replayed itself over and over. The way he smelled, the way he tasted, everything, wouldn’t leave your mind. 

You felt like you were exactly where you were supposed to be, and you so badly wish Tyler didn’t react the way he did. Did he kiss you only because him and Jen were fighting, or did he kiss you because he shared the same feelings? Was he going to be upset at you in the morning? Would this ruin your guy’s friendship? Questions swirled in your brain until slowly you drifted out of consciousness.

“Tyler,” you mumbled in your sleep. “I love you.” 

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Tylers POV 

“Shit, shit, shit” I muttered under my breath as I speed-walked out of the bar, not even looking behind me. My lips were still tingling from the kiss that I just shared with Y/N. Once I was out in the fresh air, I took my phone out and scheduled the closest uber to take me to the apartment.

I was upset at myself, not for kissing Y/N, but for doing it drunk. I didn’t understand what was going on with me. Obviously, I was drunk, but was it my true feelings coming out? I thought I had gotten over Y/N a while ago, especially when I started dating Jen. 

Jen.

Her face flashed in my brain. I should call her, but then again maybe I shouldn’t. It was just one kiss. One harmless kiss. Right?

The uber picked me up and I stayed silent the entire ride. Mostly because I was starting to feel nauseous from all the alcohol that was swirling in my stomach, but also because I knew if I spoke I would most likely end up crying. 

I thanked my driver and rushed inside the apartment. I needed to get out of this shirt and tight jeans. The shirt that Y/N said they liked. Their voice wouldn’t leave me head.

“I like you.” They said those words directly to me. Yes, they were drunk also, but what if they meant it. What if I blew it all that time ago with being oblivious. 

My stomach growled, and I remembered that I haven’t had that much to eat. It was almost one, but I decided to have some cereal. Most of the milk ended up on the counter as I drunkenly poured it into the bowl. Right before I took my first bite, my phone rang. 

“Hello?” I answered.

“Tyler? Where are you?” It was Josh.

“I’m at home,” I slurred. 

“Why did you leave without us.”

“I needed to leave.” I was being short with him, but I didn’t feel like explaining that I just kissed my best friend when I also have a girlfriend. 

“Did it have to do with Y/N?”

“Why are you asking that?” I snapped.

“They ran out of the bathroom crying, literally fell into me.”

I gulped, “I don’t know. I’m going to bed, be quiet when you get home.”

“Tyler, man.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Josh.”

“Okay, goodnight Ty. Please be safe.”

“I will, you too. Goodnight Josh.” I hung up the phone and buried my face in my hands. I felt horrible knowing that I made Y/N cry, but I panicked and did the one thing I was good at. Running away from troubles. 

I knew that I needed to sleep. I already was going to be extremely hungover in the morning, and I was going to have to talk to Jen, and Y/N most likely, and figure stuff out. I quickly finished the cereal, already sobering up from the food inside my stomach, and headed up to bed. 

I quickly fell asleep with one person on my mind. Y/N. The kiss was on replay throughout the entire night in my dreams, and I woke up with one person on my mind as well. 

“Y/N,” I mumbled as I slowly opened my eyes, the pain instantly rushing to my head. I groaned and flipped away from the bright sun that was shining in from the window. 

I reached over to grab my phone, noticing that I had five missed calls and ten tex messages from Jen. I swore under my breath and opened them up. 

Jen: Tyler?

Jen: are you home?

Jen: are you okay?

The rest of the messages were like that as well. I ran my hand through my messy bed head as I typed out a reply.

Tyler: sorry, i just woke up and my phone died last night. 

Her reply was almost instant as if she was staring at her phone waiting for me. 

Jen: don’t lie to me, Ty. that’s BS and we both know it. your phone was on.

I groaned and locked my phone. It was too early in the morning to deal with her, and my head was absolutely killing me. I decided that taking a shower was probably the best idea. I walked out of the hallway towards the bathroom that Josh and I share, and looked across at Josh’s room. I thought about seeing if he was awake so I could tell him what happened last night, but I decided against it. 

The shower was exactly what I needed to make my body feel better physically, but my brain would not stop replaying the moments of last night. Every time I thought about the kiss, my heart would flutter and my stomach would feel like there were butterflies in it. 

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that I still had feelings for Y/N, despite my best efforts of trying to get over them. The next step was to figure out what to do with these feelings. Was I supposed to break up with Jen? Was I supposed to forget about Y/N?

“Tyler?” a knock on the bathroom door broke me from my train of thought.

“What?” I shouted as I turned off the water and grabbed a towel.

“I made eggs if you want any,” Josh’s voice came from outside the door. “Also, Y/N is asleep in my bedroom.”

“What?��� I shouted as I slammed open the door.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Tag list: @nonsenseverses​ @patdsinner33​ let me know if anyone else would like to be added!

[yellow-r-o-s-e]

NEURODIVERGENT

There’s definately something wrong with Roman. He just wants to know what it is

Word Count: About 4500

Warnings: lots of talk of assorted mental illnesses, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, and anorexia, pretty detailed description of a panic attack, self deprecating feelings, mentioned past abusive relationship, imposter syndrome, implied gaslighting, let me know if there’s anything else I need to put, I don’t know how to do this, there is a happy ending but please be safe

Notes: This is a fanfic of the wonderful “Love and Other Fairytales” by @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors. It’s technically a Sanders Side fanfiction, but you don’t need to know anything about Sanders Sides for her story to make sense. It’s a really amazing modern fairy tale, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who somehow hasn’t read it yet. Also the story below probably won’t make any sense without the context.

In her story, a few of the main characters (Virgil and Logan) are autism coded, which I can relate to a lot with my ADHD, and I ended up projecting said ADHD on a different character, Roman Gage. It’s a bullet fic because it’s so long it would take me a week to write it all out, and also it’s very self-indulgent and I put my own self-insert OC in because noone can stop me from having fun. Not edited because we die like men. Enjoy!

————————————

It starts on what should be a perfect day. It’s early September, Logan is off at a “fairy” lesson with Virgil. It’s not too humid anymore, it’s cooled down just enough to be comfortable. And Roman thinks it would be a perfect day for hunting in the woods

Except as soon as he thinks about hunting, he thinks about h i m and he’s suddenly nauseous

But it’s fine, Roman’s fine, besides he has lots of people to talk about it with now. His bfs know and are supportive, and Mamaw knows too now. He doesn’t even miss Dee that much…

And oh mother gothel he does not feel good he needs to think about something else

He suddenly remembers that he is in fact currently having a picnic with Patton and he should focus on that

And he’s aware that Patton just asked a question but he doesn’t know what Patton asked, And he feels really bad but he just smiles and asks Patton to repeat himself

He wishes he could actually pay attention to his bf the first time but life hates him apparently, and Patton’s talking very slowly and carefully because his lessons are helping but he’s still afraid of hurting Roman. And heck if that doesn’t make Roman feel even worse

Anyways, Patton says he’s concerned that Roman hasn’t eaten anything, and offers to go somewhere else for food if Roman doesn’t want picnic

And Roman just laughs and says he’s fine, he just ate a big breakfast. Except. He didn’t eat breakfast at all. He doesn’t know why he said that but now he’s panicking inside as he continues to talk to Patton on the surface level. He’s not trying to not eat on purpose, he’s just really not hungry much

So he’s very worried about himself now as he realizes he’s been skipping meals like crazy recently. He knows he’s not anorexic because like, it’s not intentional. He just keeps forgetting his body needs food to survive??? Is that a normal thing to happen???

Ten minutes maximum pass before he’s spilling all of this to Patton because he’s Very Worried and they’re trying to be more open with each other anyways

And Patton, who’s already been worried about Roman since the whole ’planning to die to save his friends without telling anyone’ thing, is like “have you considered speaking to a doctor”

Roman’s like “Mamaw hates the physician” and then Patton reminds him he’s an actual adult and long story short a few days later he’s having a meeting with Dr. Sherwood

He’s being asked all the standard questions and he’s just realizing ‘oh no, there’s definitely something wrong with me’. He’s having trouble sleeping, trouble eating, trouble focusing, things that used to make him happy don’t anymore…. And Dr. Sherwood says he probably has depression

Which honestly makes a little too much sense after all the heartbreak and loss and isolation and abuse and whatnot

He gets officially diagnosed shortly after

There’s no therapist in Wickhills but Dr. Sherwood offers to prescribe antidepressants

But antidepressants can be very finicky and Roman’s not in immediate danger or anything so he figures he’ll just try Mamaw’s potions and whatnot for now and maybe change later

He’s very afraid to tell Mamaw but surprise, she’s not mad at all. Well, she’s a little upset that he thought he had to sneak away to go to the doctor

They talk, and depression treatment is a lot more complicated than just a quick spell but they agree to be more honest with each other when they’re having bad days (because May’s physical health is not doing great either)

He talks to the bf squad too, and he feels guilty telling them for some reason. He doesn’t want to be someone for them to take care of, y’know, he wants to be the one taking care of them

They’re all like “Roman shut up you’re beautiful and talented and amazing and we love you”. Patton reminds him that he literally planned the picnic they just had. And the entire summer he was like, stargazing or serenading or painting with one of them at least once a week

They remind him that it’s okay for the roles to reverse every once in a while. It's literally not healthy to never ask for help, even if you don’t have depression

He’s already been unofficially working with Patton’s parents for a while and he has a long talk with the Wallers about it and 1) it’s not like they could replace him if they wanted 2) they still want to keep an eye on their son’s bf and learn more about what he’s doing (He doesn’t actually let much slide but they can hope) and 3) they’re nice people

so they work on making his hours flexible but not too flexible so he can miss work if he’s not feeling good but he still feels needed and has responsibility. It’s a struggle but everyone’s doing their best

Plus the Wallers are practically trying to adopt Roman in their son’s absence so it’s not like they wouldn’t be doing this anyway

And Roman starts to feel, not great, but more in control of his life at least

And there are always the good days, it’s almost always good when he visits his bfs, he starts liking acting again more, he starts getting excited about musicals again

And now that he’s a knight and he’s making good memories with Virgil, the woods aren’t making him feel icky anymore

And all the squad talk to him and promise to not undercut his happiness when it’s there. They work to not overreact when he’s surprised to be happy, and tell him he’s never annoying, he’s always free to ramble about whatever he’s excited about

And soon he’s looking into theater college applications, and he’s hanging out with Thomas and Remy, and he sees some touring Broadway shows (Wicked, The Lion King and Mary Poppins) in Cleveland, and Bell and him and sometimes Virgil are hunting in the woods again, and he’s a knight which is amazing, and he has self-confidence again,

And Logan found a perfect college which Roman is very happy about, seeing as he’s the one who did THAT to get Logan a chance to go to college a while ago. And Logan invites Roman to go on his college visit with him (along with Thomas). And Roman does feel a bit guilty because he feels like the only reason he was invited is because of the whole fae deal

But it’s fine, he’s happy to be going with Logan anyways

Virgil says he’ll be fine with Patton, they manage to find a flight that won’t go over any rivers (they don’t know what would happen but they don’t want to risk it). They’re all packed up for a few days and Logan is so happy he’s glowing

Roman can’t stop smiling either tbh, he just nods and listens to Logan rambling about how cool the greenhouses are. And it’s perfect

Until suddenly,,, it’s not???

Because the airport is Too Loud, which he tries to ignore

And something deep inside of him is afraid of Logan being away for so long because he’ll miss him but he ignores that too, it’s just excitement probably, right?

And then the plane takes off, which makes Logan a bit nauseous but it’s super fun for Roman, it’s basically a rollercoaster, right? He gives lots of comforting forehead kisses and Thomas is jokingly like ‘ew affection’

But then?? The seat belt buckled signs are still on? And Roman cannot move?

He’s trapped in the seat, trapped in the plane

He

Cannot

Move

And it’s So Loud all of a sudden. And he doesn’t even realize he’s frozen until he’s calming down and Logan is Squishing him

And they talk about that a bit and claustrophobia is normal it’s fine

And the trip goes pretty well. Actually, no, it was better than pretty well. Logan found his college and it’s perfect and Roman needs to stop being so Selfish and judging the trips success by his own experience

But Roman is still just worried about Logan leaving, what if he ends up hating the school? What if he gets trapped?

And he’s having flashbacks to the college visit before that ended terribly. Because he still hasn’t really forgiven himself for how upset Logan was when he got locked out of Wickhills after brief freedom. And he Does Not want to hurt Logan again

And then the intrusive thoughts start coming and he can’t stop them. And he’s worried about a ton of things that would never happen

What if Dee’s curse is still there somehow and when they get back Logan’s locked out of Wickhills?

That doesn't even make sense, stop-

What if Logan doesn’t actually want to go to college and he’s just faking because he feels bad for Roman, and he’s going to be miserable here?

Logan can’t even lie and why would he do that?

What if- stop

What if- Stop!

And this has definitely been happening for a while, he realizes, it’s just been much harder to ignore on the trip, where he can’t just block out the thoughts by picking apples (not that that works very well either)

So he talks with Logan and Thomas on the plane ride home and then he does a few google searches while waiting for luggage when they get back

And he’s now 100 percent sure that he’s been having anxiety attacks and/or panic attacks, like, several times a day

And he sees the doctor very shortly after getting back into town

It takes him 20 minutes to get diagnosed with general anxiety

Dr. Sherwood asks ‘is this happening very frequently?’ and Roman asks how often frequently is and it’s about once a week apparently. Which is laughably low compared to Roman. So now he knows that he has both depression and anxiety

His family and bfs know and they’re doing their best to supportive

Roman has a whole bunch of exercises he can do

So now it should be better, he knows what’s going on, right?

But he doesn’t feel any better At All. In fact, it seems to be getting worse by the day

And a lot of Roman’s panic attacks are just him being afraid he’ll have a panic attack and then be a burden. Which is so dumb and cyclical and he knows his bfs won’t be mad but that doesn’t stop it from happening

At least Logan and Thomas know how to deal with panic attacks and help him. And the bf squad all learns they can tell him when he’s being unreasonable. But the trouble is sometimes he absolutely knows he’s being unreasonable and he keeps doing it

He tries to go on meds for a cool minute but he doesn’t get better he just gets exhausted. And May’s potions are more personally suited to him anyways. Not that he’s good about taking those either

But it’s fine he’s strong he can handle it it’s fine it’s okay

Cut to a few months later around late winter

There’s a bright moon, the woods are all quiet, and it’s honestly just so soft and relaxing. And Roman’s enjoying being a knight and chilling with Bell and Virgil

There’s not even anything bad happening that they need to deal with, or anything to hunt down, they’re just kind of chilling in the woods on horseback

Bell’s catching Virgil up on fairyland happenings that he missed because he pays more attention to Patton than the actual court; Roman’s catching him up on what Logan and Elliot are up to

And then, it’s such a small thing, it shouldn’t ruin there night or even pause it, But as they’re laughing and Roman playfully punches Bell and Virgil rolls his eyes

This absolutely harmless garter snake rubs against Roman’s leg

And he’s just instantly Not Okay At All

And Virgil notices immediately and just glares back to see what hurt Roman, thinking some idiot fae with a death wish played a trick on him

Virgil’s really angry but trying to look calm for Roman and he meets eyes with Roman for half a second

Roman sees something incredibly familiar in his eyes and now he’s Even Worse

Virgil takes a very limp and frozen Roman who’s smiling a little too blankly and agreeing with everything V says back to fairyland and is talks to him soothingly but it takes Roman a very long minute before he’s even talking

And Virgil’s just a complete mess

And when he finds out that it wasn’t someone hexing Roman or anything, it was just his a snake that wanted to move and V’s stare, he just switched to exhausted

There might be a bit of crying on both of their parts but don’t tell anyone

And Roman wants to talk more but his voice isn’t working and he’s stuttering a lot

And every question Virgil asks about his comfort (do you want me to call the others? Do you want me to take you home?) makes Roman even more stressed so eventually he ends up snuggling with Roman in that bed for the night

And Bell checks in on them later and is very obviously a part of the Kill Dee Again squad

It had been like 2 months since Roman had the nightmares and he’s never had panic attacks like this before, he doesn’t know what’s happening

He doesn’t know why Dee’s still haunting him? What did he do wrong when he tried to forget him?

He has nightmares but Virgil’s afraid to wake him up, he might completely break down again, and Virgil doesn’t even know what he’d say anyways

He doesn’t think breaking down sobbing again would help

Roman wakes up in the morning just exhausted and starts crying again anyways

He tries to talk but it goes badly so he ends up communicating with Virgil through writing, which is much easier, though his hand is shaking and the paper is tear stained

And Virgil’s just absolutely heartbroken by how helpless Roman looks

Roman tried to apologize for not being able to talk but Virgil points out that he and Logan have trouble talking without thinking first for fae reasons and so does Patton, Roman isn’t going to be a burden on the group by being the same as everyone else

And Logan comes in lead by Bell

And he’s the calm that the other two need right now

He’s stressed too obviously but he translates his stress into logical thinking

And the word PTSD comes into the conversation for the first time

So guess who gets another diagnosis? Our boy

He finds out that PTSD symptoms often take a while to show up, he hopes it will disappear again but who knows

Not him

And the symptoms cross over (avoidance, sluggishness, panic) so it ends up replacing the other two diagnoses

So that means that he doesn’t have depression and anxiety after all??? It was just PTSD?

And Roman blindly agrees because these appointments are becoming habitual

But it doesn’t feel right?

Because there’s still something about him that feel distinctly Not Normal that PTSD itself can’t explain

Because some of his restlessness, unhappiness, recklessness, has existed since before he made the deal

So he feels like he might be faking PTSD because it can’t possibly ALL be caused by Dee

And be feels like he’s being unfair to Dee and heck if that’s something he can just say to his bfs without them getting on his case

He knows it’s dumb so it shouldn’t be a problem anyways

Hahahahaha

On a different note he’s still not sleeping anywhere near a normal amount

Dizzy says it’s because “Night Roman” screwed up his sleep schedule

Then there’s also the nightmares

And the lingering feeling that he’s slacking off while sleeping, he should be working on something else

So he talks to Dizzy and does research and he’s not sure if it counts because of his strange specific situation, but he decides he has insomnia in some way or another

And that’s an easy fix with potions (it’s not, they don’t work for long)

And then, before he can blink, he’s in college, and school is a thing

And he Loves acting, he Loves all the literature, he Loves picking his own classes and making new theater friends and speaking other languages with people

But then, during the “actual classroom classes” it’s not good all the time

There is something deeply uncomfortable about being stuck in a chair for multiple hours

Where you have to be somewhat quiet and pay attention to what the teacher is talking about

Like, you have to go at Their Speed, not yours

And he realizes that maybe it’s been like that for a while

Maybe it was his year off that made him realize it, maybe Wickhills is just that different

But he doesn’t like doing his general ed classes

Which is weird because he loves learning

And he’s super focused most of the time, but sometimes he just can’t hear the teachers?

And he remembers homework perfectly UNLESS he writes it down

And he can’t convince himself to do math and science homework no matter how hard he tries but he doesn’t tell anyone just pretends he’s purposely ignoring it

Oh and also whenever people criticize his acting or essays it’s physically painful but that’s probably not a big deal

Oh and schedule changes are the literal worst thing to ever happen in his life

So he thinks he might have hearing problems which is why he misses that they have homework or can’t hear people talking no matter how hard he tries

So he’s tested for hearing loss, tested for tinnitus and nothing

And then he realizes he sometimes struggles to read and write the correct way? He loves literature but he finds out that to other people, the words are not usually messed up like that

So he tries dyslexia, vision problems, dysgraphia, and still just nothing fits quite right

And maybe he’s making excuses and he’s actually just too dumb to be in advanced literature?

So he starts worrying that maybe he just wants to be special

Maybe he doesn’t have any mental illnesses, except just hypochondria

Except as soon as he starts considering hypochondria, OCD comes up

Because he feels incredibly, obsessively worried about everything

And there are times when he just has to do something other than pay attention and maybe those are compulsions

But maybe he’s wrong because the compulsions aren’t usually about fears, he just wants to wiggle around, click his pens, etc.

And that’s when he starts considering Tourettes

But that doesn’t work either because it’s not that severe, he’s way more able to resist impulses than he should be

And Tourettes wouldn’t explain enough anyways

So we’re like halfway through Roman’s freshman year and he’s just very confused?

Is he neurotypical? Does he have every mental illness ever? He doesn’t know

He still has a PTSD diagnoses but hasn’t been triggered as badly as that first time again, so he’s not even sure if he had That

And then Logan comes home for winter

And he’s very happily explaining how college is going in Maine

They already know lots but it’s fun to hear it in person

And Roman asks if anyone suspects he’s a fairy and if that’s causing problems and Logan says most people probably just think he’s autistic

And Roman is confused because that doesn’t seem at all?? related???

But Logan and Virgil start explaining autism and it does make a lot of sense and

Wait a minute is that what he is??????

So Roman just doesn’t freaking sleep for a week after Logan goes back to school because he’s researching autism nonstop

And it doesn’t feel right but he doesn’t know if it’s because of stigma or something else

It doesn’t feel like a bad word when he uses it to describe Logan but that could just be self deprecation he doesn’t know

And the ice cream bar model makes it really hard to tell because there’s so many options

And some of the symptoms are other mental illnesses

So he decides to just go with it for now, try it out as a label in his own head

He doesn’t tell anyone because that makes it more real and stressful and he’d feel guilty if he was wrong

But he starts using headphones to block out noise, gets himself some fidget toys to use in class, he learns that he likes certain stimuli and dislikes others (that’s not proof though that’s every single person, isn’t it?)

he starts getting better at writing conversations down first, bringing index cards actually makes him look smarter, not useless like he feared

So he still feels guilty because he’s pretty sure he’s not actually autistic and he doesn’t tell the boys

He can actually lie unlike some of the squad

And they’re all so used to getting “the world is too loud” from V and L that they don’t even realize something is different

Because remember, they’ve been hanging out with Roman for years, he’s always been restless and argumentative, and outside the college the main difference they see is he’s happier

So cut to a few months later

In some general ed class which Roman despises but that’s life

He’s partnered with the “smart girl” of the class, Serena Miller, on a group project

Which is very lucky because he has no idea what the heck is going on it’s way too theoretical for him

And she’s super patient, and they actually really click and they’re becoming good friends from they’re meetings

They’re hanging out more and more after school and she happily explains mathematical paradoxes and knot theory and he talks about the plots of different musicals

And they both just nod along half the time because they don’t completely understand, but the human interaction is very nice

And anyways Roman has this sudden realization that maybe she’s flirting with him and she’s just doing all of this with the expectation that they’re going to date

He just freaking blurts out “I’m gay and also taken” because God gifted him with chivalry, not subtlety, okay?

She’s confused and pauses for a second

Like “good for you but what does that have to do with three dimensional coordinate systems”

And he’s very awkwardly like “oh sorry I was afraid you were flirting with me”

She’s like “lol sorry for freaking you out, I just really like math, and I tend to latch onto other ADHD people because they’re just so much easier to talk to”

And Roman’s like what did you say???

So after a very long and repetitive conversation he realizes she’s ADHD and also 100 percent convinced he’s ADHD too

He says “wait a minute I don’t have ADHD?” and she’s not even like “oh you don’t?” she’s like “oh, you didn’t know?”

She’s still writing out math problems for the research as this is going on BTW she’s a fidgety girl

So, long story short they head off to a cafe to talk more without being in the middle of a library

And they meet up with a bunch of Serena’s friends, a lot of which Roman knows from theater

There’s Jaclyn Steele who played his love interest when their college did Footloose (they were Ren and Ariel)

And Aïsha Pérez who did a Romeo and Juliet monologue with him a while ago

And Gabriella Clay who’s absolutely going to be on Broadway soon, she already was on it as young Nala in the Lion King when she was thirteen, noone has any doubts that she’s going back

They talk about ADHD, how it’s not actually being unable to focus

ADHD people are actually very good at focusing on things a lot of the time, it’s just difficult to switch tasks

And they can experience sensory overload too

He finds out about RSD, which is a side effect of ADHD basically translates to “misinterpriting wjat people say to think they hate you” disorder, and that explains so many things

And it also has side effects of not being able to speak very well when stressed, so that explains a lot to

And he finds out that literally All of These Girls have ADHD???

No wonder they were so easy to hang out with?

They’re all on the same wavelength

He’s really afraid that having ADHD means he’s broken for a second, but Aïsha explains that it’s not even a mental illness, it’s just a neurodivergence

“Your brain doesn’t work worse than other peoples’ brains, it just works different”

And yeah, they agree it’s a lot like autism

Gabriella was actually misdiagnosed with autism when she was little so she talks a lot more with him about how similar they are

They end up having a sleepover in Serena and Gabriella’s dorm room

(Roman callshome to let Virgil and May know not to worry about him)

They’re all spread out on the floor with blankets, watching the office bloopers on a cracked Ipad until 5am and it’s the best Roman’s felt in weeks

And it’s not like he’s “cured” now but it feels so so so good to know he’s not alone

He ends up talking to Dizzy (who’s supportive but doesn’t understand exactly why Roman cares so much), then Mamaw (who’s happy for him if a bit confused by his excitement, he didn’t really tell her too much about the Search for a label), then the bf squad who’re mostly like ‘heck yeah none of us are at all normal’

And Patton’s not in desperate need of a diagnoses but he says he’s def not neurotypical, and he’s probably not allistic

Roman’s afraid of visiting the doctor again for fear of being denied a diagnosis

He doesn’t know what he’d do if he was told he was wrong

But Patton talks to Emile (with permission of course), and Emile gets help from his own Psychology professors and ends up doing 90% of the paper work and helping Roman with the exact criteria for diagnosis, so Roman has no doubts by the time he walks in to the hospital

Emile is also like oh that’s cool me too so that’s how Roman finds out that Emile is ADHD too

Eventually Roman does get an actually diagnosis and medication that works WITH his ADHD, not against it

And it turns out ADHD isn’t exclusive of the other things he considered, he probably did have actual PTSD and depression and anxiety and maybe more, but at least he has the root cause of so much of what makes him different

Emile also mentions there are a few other weird towns and offers to help get Roman a therapist who wouldn’t freak out about Wickhills

A few months later he ends up video conferencing Dr. Aaliyah Dixon from New Orleans and she doesn’t bat an eye at his talks about making a deal with the fae and having his memories magically separated

So he’s not “cured” by any means, but he knows who he is now, his boyfriends know how to help, he has college friends to bond with, and he’s absolutely not alone

[hookedontaronfics]

Honky Dancer series - Chapter 7

Chapter title: Secrets and sorrows Read the previous installments here: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3  | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 Rating: M Pairing: Taron x OC Warnings: None A/N: This chapter tore the hell out of my emotions, and I actually expect it to do much the same to you. I’d apologize for that but I know you’ll all stick with me to the end, because the story has a long way to go to get to that happy ending you all want so much! Enjoy! X

The next three weeks were some of the best weeks of my life. Being Taron’s girlfriend, being loved by him, was an exceptional experience. Despite both of us being incredibly busy and in the thick of filming, he never let a day go by where he didn’t remind me in some way that I was loved and that I was his. I’d never had a relationship that had felt so genuinely real and sweet and supportive, and it made a difference in how I felt about my own life to that point.

One of my favorite moments had been the evening I was making dinner, some kind of cauliflower pasta recipe Taron had agreed to be the guinea pig for. He and Clara were seated at the dining table, going over her fractions homework. Clara’s frustration at not understanding the problems was palpable, but I just remember how patient and calm Taron remained until that look of understanding dawned on my daughter’s face. They’d both looked up at me, leaning in the kitchen doorway, with the sweetest looks on their faces.

Their bond was growing every day, made even stronger when, unbeknownst to me, a special delivery had been made of a Steinway upright studio piano so Clara could continue her lessons at home. I will never forget the look on her face when she realized it really was hers and it would be staying in my front room. Taron rebuffed every “you shouldn’t have” I tried to give him, telling me he knew first-hand how important it was to be supported in the pursuit of your art. I couldn’t deny him that, because I knew it to be true as well. Still, a few internet searches later made me gasp at how much he had spent on us; I knew I could never repay him.

But that was just the thing; he didn’t want or need repayment. He did things for people out of the kindness of his heart; he never expected someone to give him a favor back. He was generous to a fault, and whether he knew how much money he was worth or not, he never affected an attitude that he was affluent. He remained the working class boy he’d spent his childhood growing up as, the boy who needed financial help from his family just to audition for RADA. And I think I loved him even more for that.

Trying to pin Markus down, though, that was a whole other story. I knew I needed to tell him we were definitely done, but every time I tried to make plans to grab a coffee he had something else come up. We were dancing every day, learning choreography for both “Saturday Night’s Alright” and “Bitch Is Back,” and my body hurt in every way it was possible to hurt. Both of those pieces were massive, and when they secured set locations we would have to be ready to go. 

I’m pretty sure I spent more time at Rocketman rehearsals those few weeks than I did teaching my own classes, but I was beginning to wonder if Markus was blowing me off because he already suspected what I needed to tell him. I had finally decided to just grab him after rehearsal that day and make it final, and the stress and anxiety of it made me feel slightly queasy.

We had just finished rehearsal and Leah immediately came up to me before I could pull Markus aside. “Are you okay?” she asked me, and I shrugged.

“Of course. I mean, I’m with Taron now anyway,” I said, watching Markus flirt a bit shamelessly with another dancer, and she was all-too-happy to be receiving his attention. I’m not really sure how someone could manage to make a leotard look slutty, but she certainly got an A for the effort.

“Markus can be a dick, forget that. What I mean is that you’re really pale but your cheeks are also really flushed,” Leah said, staring at my face.

“Oh, that, I don’t feel great, no,” I shook my head. “I’m kind of nauseous, but hey, I’m here. The show must go on,” I said, giving her a faint smile.

“Or it really doesn’t if you’re really sick, Juliette,” she said. “Maybe you should sit down for a moment.”

“I just need to deal with Markus and get home and take a nice long soak and get some sleep. I’ll be fine,” I said, giving her a tight smile even though I was fighting the urge to lose my lunch at that moment. “See you tomorrow?” I said, and she nodded, still looking concerned. But when I turned away from her to find Markus, he had already disappeared, and I was in no state to try and chase him down.

I changed into my sneaks and gathered up my bag and, as I was leaving, had to make a detour into the bathroom to puke after all. I hadn’t had much to eat that day anyway, so it was mostly orange Gatorade and bile and I felt worse for throwing up, since it was now burning in my throat and sinuses.

“Ugh, fuck,” I groaned as I left the stall, trying to wipe the clammy sweat off my forehead. The truth was that I was waking up most mornings feeling a little ill and sometimes it lasted long into the day. I was beginning to think I needed to go to the doctor, but it seemed to come and go at random. I imagined it was likely just stress from everything going on, but it would probably be wise to see the doctor anyway. I washed up, splashing water on my face, and smiled as I scrolled through my texts. Taron never failed to make me feel better no matter what.

I left the bathroom and passed Riley and her posse hanging out in the hallway, ignoring their stares and the whispered comments on how I must be bulimic because that’s why I was always running to the bathroom during rehearsals and why I stayed so skinny. I had no idea what they were talking about, and ignoring them was always the safest bet, but their bullying still got under my skin some days. I wished I could turn to them and tell them off, but that probably wouldn’t satisfy anything or make me feel better.

The subway ride to my mother’s to pick up Clara, and subsequently home, made me feel even more queasy, and I lost my appetite for dinner for the rest of the evening. After I helped Clara with her homework, her piano lessons, and made her food, I ended up just laying in front of the telly, exhausted and lacking any energy, for the rest of the evening. It wasn’t the most inspiring end to the day, and just as I was crawling into bed, Taron called me. 

“Hey love!” he replied when I answered the phone, probably sounding as sleepy as I felt.

“Hey T,” I groaned, rolling over slightly in my bed, all of my muscles protesting.

“Everything alright?” he asked, the excitement draining from his voice slightly.

“I just feel miserable, honestly,” I said softly. “I think I might go to the doctor tomorrow.”

“Oh, babe, you should have called me over. I’d bring you the best soup my mam made to make me feel better,” he said sweetly.

“I just need sleep. And probably strong drugs,” I mumbled into the phone.

“Do you want me to go with you tomorrow to the clinic?” he asked, and I shook my head before realizing he couldn’t see that.

“I’ll not have you cancel on your film scenes to go wait in a clinic lobby. I’m sure it’s just some kind of bug. I’ll be fine,” I insisted, and I could hear him pacing on the other end, the way he did when he was anxious about something.

“Alright, but if you need me, you know I’ll be there, right?” he said quietly.

“Of course, babe. I know that. With my whole heart, I know that,” I smiled softly. We chatted a bit more but I couldn’t hardly keep my eyes open, and soon we ended our call and I passed out.

I actually felt better in the morning, enough to keep some dry toast down, and after seeing Clara off to school, I managed to teach my first two classes of the day before taking my lunch break to go to the clinic. My stomach had started to churn again, and I was ready to just be over this stomach bug. I got checked in and had to groan at the long wait time, having to text the Rocketman choreographer that I’d be running late to rehearsals but he only told me to take care of myself and he’d see me later, and to let him know if that somehow changed.

I was a nervous wreck by the time my name was called, and after having my vitals checked (and frowning over the fact that I’d gained 10 pounds despite my diet restrictions) and explaining my symptoms to the nurse, I was left to wait in the room for another 15 minutes, shivering in the cold air. I bounced my knee and aimlessly scrolled through Facebook until the doctor came in. After describing my symptoms, yet again, even though they were in my chart, the doctor asked if there was even a remote chance that I could be pregnant. And since I couldn’t answer that with utter confidence, she made me take the dreaded urine test. 

I was so nervous I nearly couldn’t do it, and then had to wait even longer for the results to come back, my stomach tied in knots for an entirely different reason. I’d had my period, though, so I’d never thought to take the home tests I’d bought. I’d believed that was a sure sign I wasn’t. But what if I’d been wrong? I thought to myself, my head a complete jumble.

When the doctor knocked and came back in the room, interrupting my train of thought, I nearly fell off the table for having been holding my breath so long. I was clutching my phone in my hand so hard my knuckles were turning white.

“Well, Juliette, your symptoms are very explainable by one very simple thing. You are indeed pregnant, about seven weeks or so,” the doctor replied, as gently as possible.

“But it can’t be,” I whispered, feeling the walls of the room closing in around me, the tightness in my chest threatening to overwhelm me. “I had my period,” I said stupidly.

“Many women still have menstrual cycles, especially in the first trimester. It’s quite common, and some can even exhibit period symptoms throughout the entire pregnancy. But the results are very clear,” she explained sympathetically after gauging my reaction as not-of-the-excited variety.

When I didn’t respond, couldn’t respond, the doctor continued, giving me a prescription to help with the nausea and telling me I needed to follow up with my Ob-Gyn. I could only nod my head, still frozen in the ocean of confusion, fear, anxiety, joy and excitement that came with “You’re pregnant.” Where do I go from here? I had no idea.

I left the clinic in an absolute daze, and instead of going to Rocketman rehearsal, I ended up wandering around Regents Park, not really seeing anything at all as I worked through the torrent of emotions and thoughts and questions inside my head. Seven weeks meant the baby was definitely Markus’ - that was the only good thing about this situation. I wouldn’t have to spend months wondering who the father might be. 

But now I wasn’t sure what to do; I was in love with Taron, but how could I possibly ask him to carry this burden with me, to take this responsibility on when it was another man’s? Even more so, I was adamant that Clara know her father; I would fight just as hard to make sure this baby knew his or hers. And I had yet to actually leave Markus, so maybe the right thing to do was to decide to be with him even if it didn’t make my heart entirely happy. I now had a responsibility to this baby to not be selfish, to not choose only my own happiness but what would be best for all of us.

I gently touched my belly and smiled for a moment; a new chapter in my life was most definitely beginning.

I finally made it to rehearsals, texting Taron that we needed to talk later, as soon as we could manage to find time. He responded immediately that he’d meet me after rehearsals were over, so I spent the next few hours trying to dance through my anxiety. As soon as I stepped out of the rehearsal room, bag slung over my shoulder, Taron was there waiting for me.

“Juliette, darling, everything alright?” he asked, kissing me on the forehead and making me feel intrinsically sad.

“No, not really,” I said softly, nodding toward one of the empty studios. We stepped inside and instantly I felt smaller, diminished by what I was going to do, a lesser person somehow.

“Please tell me what’s going on,” he asked, his eyes wide and full of the vulnerability that had endeared me to him, my hands clutched tightly in his.

“I can’t do this,” I said so quietly I wasn’t sure he even heard me. “I can’t be with you, Taron,” I mumbled, hearing his sharp intake of breath and feeling it like a knife wound in my heart.

“What the hell do you mean?” he asked, slowly dropping my hands and staring at me.

“I have to break up with you. I’m going to choose Markus,” I said numbly, unfeeling.

“You told me you loved me,” he said, the hurt in his voice hurting me.

“That was a lie,” I said, trying not to tear up. I’m not sure I sounded even remotely convincing.

“No, it wasn’t a lie,” he said, shaking his head and calling my bluff. “I don’t know why you’re doing this, at all. I don’t understand it, but I won’t play these games with you,” he said, waiting for me to explain myself. But I couldn’t tell him about the baby now; it would only hurt him further. “I gave my heart to you. You can’t just toss it away or pick it back up when it’s convenient to you,” he said, not an ounce of anger in his words, only resignation. His eyes were a bit red at that point, and if I wasn’t already feeling low, seeing him nearly cry would have broken me down further.

He sighed heavily when I still said nothing. “When you’re good and ready to love someone proper, come back to me. But until then, I wish you all the best,” he said gruffly, tearing himself away and leaving me standing alone in the studio, the pain in my heart echoing silently off the walls.

****

It turns out that I deserved the biggest Oscar award in the world. To act sincerely happy when your heart is shattered into a million jagged pieces is no small feat. Markus, for his part, was beyond thrilled that I had chosen to be with him after all, and while he wasn’t Taron in any capacity, he was still kind to me at least. I had yet to tell him that I was pregnant though; somehow that felt like a secret I needed to protect until the moment I couldn’t hide it any longer. 

For now, I continued to dance, eating anti-nausea meds like Pez candies and trying to find the right balance between eating enough food to sustain myself and the baby but not so much that I’d gain any more than I had to. If the production never found out I was knocked up, then no one else would have to be the wiser. I hadn’t told my mum yet either, afraid of her judgment, nor Madison, even though I desperately needed to talk to someone about this. All she knew was that I had decided to cast my lot in with Markus and that I was, according to her, figuratively insane.

The worst part was the cold politeness I now received from Taron any time we ran into each other at the studios. I hated what we had become, hated the pain I had caused him and myself. I knew he’d shut himself down to protect his own feelings against me, but knowing how warm and compassionate and open he could be just made this feel even worse. Still, I knew for certain that he couldn’t know about the baby, and so I bore the ups and downs of the pregnancy for weeks in silence, sometimes dreading getting out of bed, sometimes full of a strange energy I couldn’t explain. But glowing I was not; I mostly felt bedraggled and exhausted, so much that even Clara asked if I was sick one day.

But you can only go so long without support before you totally break; I learned that lesson the hard way. Five weeks later, after a back-breaking rehearsal, I just totally felt something inside me snap. We were about to start night shoots for the “Saturday Night’s Alright” scenes but I couldn’t even muster the excitement I had originally felt when I signed my contract. I felt like I was going through the motions of everything, and I was worried I wouldn’t even be a proper fit for the film. I was living a lie, only partly happy in this pseudo-relationship I was trying to build with Markus. It wasn’t true, and it wasn’t me, and keeping the baby a secret was crushing me. I also desperately missed Taron, and I can’t tell you how many times I nearly dialed his number, because I knew despite everything he would have picked up the phone, and he would have listened, and he would have tried to help me find a solution even if he wasn’t with me. That was just the person he was; I felt like I had lost my best friend.

I pulled Markus into the same empty studio I had broken Taron’s heart in, and sat down on the floor, my hips aching something fierce.

“Markus, I have to tell you something. Please don’t freak out,” I said quietly, as he sprawled out on the floor next to me, his sweaty shirt sticking to his muscular chest.

“What is it, babe?” he asked, crossing his arms behind his head and staring up at the ceiling. While I loved when Taron called me babe, something about the way Markus said it always made me cringe slightly. For a moment I nearly chickened out in telling him my news, but I couldn’t keep going on like this. At some point he would notice when I was naked that my just-beginning-to-show stomach bump was more than just a large meal I wasn’t even eating.

“You remember that first time we had sex, right?” I said, looking over at him and biting my lip.

“Of course I remember that,” he chuckled. “I fell for you that night,” he said, a boyishly cute grin on his face.

“Yeah, well, we did a lot more that night than just sleep together. Markus, we made a baby. I’m pregnant,” I said quietly, but my words still sounded too loud.

“Woah, no way,” he said, sitting up immediately. “You… you’re sure of that?” he asked, and I nodded.

“I had a test at the clinic, I’m sure,” I said. “I’m twelve weeks already.”

“And you’re sure it’s mine?” he asked, making me sigh.

“Of course it is. Taron’s always used protection, for one, and for two, the timeline is right. It was you.”

He was quiet for a long few minutes, trying to process this news, I’m guessing. “You’re running out of time then,” he finally spoke.

“Running out of time? For what?” I asked, confused.

“Well you’re not going to keep the thing, are you?” he said, and I couldn’t help it, my jaw dropped.

“Of course I’m going to keep your son or daughter. This baby isn’t some ‘thing.’ It’s not garbage you throw away,” I said, feeling the anger rising in my chest.

“Woah, I didn’t mean it like that Juliette. But I sure as hell am not ready to become a father,” he said, holding up his hands to me.

“You don’t get to make that decision now, Markus. You have to take responsibility for what you did,” I nearly hissed. “And what about Clara? You can’t date me without considering her!”

“Yeah, but Clara’s old enough to wipe her own ass. And I’m not her father, she already has one of those she spends time with. I’m fine with that, but a baby is a whole other story. You can’t possibly want this too, it will ruin your career,” he pointed out, and I could only stare at him, unable to process what he was saying.

“My career? Being a mum was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life and I will choose my family over my career every single day of my life. But of course, you wouldn’t know what that’s like because you don’t even want to try,” I said, my face flushing red.

“I’m sorry Juliette. I just can’t,” he said, shaking his head. “I’d support you if you want to, you know, terminate it, but I won’t be the one raising it,” he said. “I’m not going to shatter my life like that,” he continued.

“Then get out. Get out of my face. Don’t ever talk to me again,” I said, my voice shaking in both anger and anguish. “This baby will be better off without someone who doesn’t want it. But I do, and my baby will always know how much I love him or her.”

I buried my head in my hands, bursting into tears as I heard Markus leave the room without another word. I’m not sure what I had expected, but that was not it. I hadn’t remotely prepared myself for the possibility that he would have wanted me to get an abortion, that he would reject fatherhood so thoroughly. Were any of us ever ready to be a parent, even people who had looked forward to it for so long? There was something so deeply terrifying about being responsible for the needs of such a tiny human being, of trying to help them thrive in a world meant for destruction. But that was also the greatest role I had ever held, far more rewarding than any production I had ever graced the stage in. And it wasn’t until the words had left my mouth that I realized how deeply, fiercely I wanted and needed this baby too.

I have no idea how long I cried in that empty studio. I have no idea who discovered me like that through the tiny window in the door. And I have no idea who went and got Taron, but suddenly he was there, pulling me into his safe, comforting arms. I don’t know how long we sat like that, until I had long cried all my tears out and my body had stopped shaking and his fingers grew tired of stroking my hair.

He had stayed silent, patient, until I finally pulled away enough to sit up on my own. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on now?” he asked, absolutely no judgment in his voice. His expression was nothing but kind and compassionate, worried for my well-being over his own.

“I found out I was pregnant five weeks ago,” I said softly. “That’s why I was feeling so ill. I went to the clinic and we did a test. I was already seven weeks at that point. I thought … I thought it would be the right thing to do to give Markus a chance to be the father of the baby he created with me but he wants no part in it. He told me to get rid of it, and I can’t,” I whispered.

“That’s why you tried to break things off with me?” Taron asked gently, smoothing back my hair from my face as I nodded. “Oh Juliette,” he said softly. “I knew there was something, some reason for it. I knew that wasn’t what you wanted, that you were breaking your own heart. I’ve only been waiting for you,” he said, making me want to cry again. “I am here for you in everything, through everything. And we will face this together too. When I told you I loved you, there were no conditions attached. And I love Clara too, and I will love Markus’ baby as it were my own. Because that’s how I love, endlessly,” he said, and my eyes watered up again.

“I can’t ask that of you, Taron,” I said, wiping at my face hastily, but he just reached over and gently brushed my tears from my cheeks before gathering my hands in his own.

“You’re not asking me to do anything. This is something I need too. Maybe it doesn’t happen exactly the way I imagined it would, but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept it, adapt to it, and grow with it. Life has a way of challenging people, but that doesn’t make it all bad. And I right imagine that this could be so much more of a blessing, yeah?”

“My God, you’re a saint. An absolute angel, Taron. I don’t deserve this, at all. I pushed you away,” I said, trembling slightly so he pulled me back into his arms and kissed my forehead sweetly.

“I’m just Taron,” he smiled. “And you do deserve to be happy, and to be loved, and to be absolutely fucking cherished. So I am here for as long as you want me to be here,” he said. “I never really stopped.”

“Even with this?” I asked, touching my belly, which I had started to hide beneath dance sweats because leotards just weren’t cutting it anymore.

“I’m going to be a dad,” he grinned and I’m pretty sure I broke apart in a whole new way at that statement.

“Taron,” I breathed slowly, just gazing at him, feeling excited and a bit bewildered too. “Are you sure?”

“100 percent, Juliette. Now stop asking me that because I won’t change my mind,” he chuckled sweetly. “Now let’s get you up off this floor, and let’s go have a celebratory dinner, shall we?” he said.

“But don’t you have more filming to get back to?” I asked, a bit wide-eyed and still feeling a bit like I was floating a few feet off the ground. My head was swimming with the crazy turn of events.

“Dex understands. You needed me, it’s really as simple as that,” he replied, helping me stand up and even shouldering my stinky dance bag himself, making me roll my eyes.

“I’m pregnant, Taron, not invalid,” I teased him and he just shrugged.

“I’d carry it for you any day,” he smirked, even holding the studio door open for me too. “Get used to it,” he said, before playfully slapping me on the bum as I walked by. “Also just wanted to do that,” he said cheekily, making me groan at that but also feel so grateful that we hadn’t lost what made us feel so special.

“So who all knows about this?” he asked me as we walked out to his car.

“Just you and Markus, really. I hadn’t told anyone before today,” I said softly. “I couldn’t handle it on my own anymore. I was feeling so alone.”

“Well you aren’t alone now, at all. And you should tell your mum, and Madison. Tell them the baby is mine if you like, if you’re worried about anyone judging you. It might as well be, because I’m going to love it that way,” he said, squeezing my hand in his. “But you should feel happy, and proud, and excited. I want that for you,” he grinned, changing everything about the fear and confusion I’d felt just a few weeks before.

“How are you so perfect, Taron?” I asked, shaking my head in awe of him.

“I just wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s not that hard to care about people more than yourself. I find that pays itself back in dividends. And it’s not hard to love you, you know. You’ve brought a lot of color and light into my life in a way I didn’t understand it could be before,” he said softly. “And now I have even more to look forward to.”

“Damnit, T,” I said through the blush rising in my cheeks. “I don’t know how to handle when you say things like that,” I laughed. “It’s like living inside a fairy tale.”

“Fairy tales were written because the truth in them does exist. They aren’t unattainable, impossible figments of our imagination. They can be elusive, yes, and rare, but sometimes you do find yourself living inside one.”

I could only gaze after him as he unlocked the car, opening the door for me again, as I felt every bit of myself being put right again. We decided on our favorite pizza place, but I first made him stop by my house so I could shower and change into more suitable clothes. Clara was with Zayn that night, so we took our time eating and enjoying our relationship again, a relationship that nothing could seem to derail.

I had the idea to stop over at my mum’s, because of all the people who should know, who had been through thick and thin for me with Clara, it was her. Taron almost seemed cutely nervous as we sat on the couch and I broke the news to her. My mom honestly screamed in excitement, jumping up and enveloping us both in a bone-crushing hug. I had no idea why I was so worried about her reaction after all; we never mentioned the baby’s lineage and let her assume since Taron was there. We figured it would be easier this way, to not have to deliver the news with a long introductory caveat, and if the question came up later we could explain then.

As we were driving back to my home, it hit me with a sudden jolt that I would have to meet Taron’s parents, and that we would be sharing the news with his family too. Something about that made everything feel far more real to me, that this was honestly going to be my life. That I would truly become a part of his life, not just in the few dates we managed to squeeze between rehearsals and film sequences, but that we would honestly be creating a life together. There would be many things to have to discuss and figure out in the near future, but tonight wasn’t the night for all of that.

Later, when we were laying on the couch, my head in his lap, the telly on a low murmur and both of us trying to not pass out, everything just felt right. Troy was snoozing on the rug, and I felt as emotionally satisfied as it was possible to feel, and far too stuffed with pizza than I had a right to be. I didn’t have to put on any kind of show with Taron; there was no performance here. We could both comfortably be ourselves, even if that was tired and cranky or moody or whatever.

“Tomorrow’s a big day,” I said with a yawn.

“God, don’t remind me. Night shoots,” he groaned playfully.

“I think it’s exciting,” I grinned. “The set already looks insanely cool. I can’t imagine it all lit up at night!” I smiled. We’d already had a few camera blockings at the carnival they had built specifically for this scene. I was honestly excited about the four days we’d be shooting tomorrow, despite the massive amount of logistics that would go into it. We were definitely in for some long, long nights.

“You think that because you haven’t done it yet,” he giggled. “Speaking of, we should probably head for bed ourselves now. Try to store up some of that energy we’ll be needing.”

I grinned at that and happily followed him back to my bedroom. We both quickly got ready for bed and fell into it, and I was all too happy to see him resting between my frilly sheets and pillows. “You’re cute,” I grinned, kissing the tip of his nose, which he wrinkled in response.

“Well don’t give me a big ego about it,” he teased me lightly, pulling me down to him so that I squealed and then kissing me proper a few times.

“Get some sleep, love,” he smiled, his eyes already drifting shut in exhaustion.

“You too, T. Thanks for saving me today,” I said softly.

“Always,” he breathed out, falling asleep shortly after, his eyelashes sweetly resting against his cheeks in slumber.

Despite my own exhaustion, I was still a whirlwind of emotion and I couldn’t quite fall asleep, so I silently slipped out of bed and grabbed my phone, sitting on the bathroom floor and calling Madison even though it was late and not caring if it woke her up.

“What on earth is going on with you!” she fairly screeched into the phone when she answered, clearly not asleep. “You’ve barely talked to me for weeks. I’m so-”

“I’m pregnant!” I cut in, and she instantly stopped what she was saying.

“What?!” Madison yelled into the phone, so I had to hold it away from my ear for a moment.

“Jesus, Mads. Calm down. Things have really changed,” I said, explaining why I’d broken up with Taron, how things went down with Markus, and that Taron had been more forgiving than I deserved him to be toward me.

“So you’re back together again?” she asked softly.

“Yeah. I’m not sure we really were ever apart. He knew I hadn’t made the decision I wanted to make. That the lie was that I didn’t want him. He knew that the whole time. He truly knows me better than I know myself,” I smiled softly.

“And what about, you know, Markus’ baby?”

“That Markus refuses to acknowledge? Yeah, Taron said it’s his now. He wants to be a dad, and he’s claiming this as his.”

“That’s love, right there, Juliette. It’s staring you right in the face. Don’t you dare ever try and throw that away again, you hear? I will kick your little ballerina ass with my own pointe shoes if I have to!” she squealed, making me laugh too.

“I think I’m done screwing everything up here,” I replied with a laugh. “The universe couldn’t be louder and clearer.”

“That’s for damn sure. Now I’m just curious when he’s going to put a ring on that finger of yours!” she giggled.

“Woah, let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet,” I cautioned.

“Dream a little, Juliette. He’s obviously a bit of a romantic. You know he’s going to make an honest woman of you. You’d better get on Pinterest and start planning. Oh, and I’d better be your maid of honor,” she said, making me laugh again. I listened to her chatter on about weddings and babies and all the possibilities, feeling bemused but also a little hopeful. I had no idea what a future with Taron looked like, not really, balancing kids and our careers. But I was certain that it would be happy; not easy, not perfect, but always fulfilling and supportive.

“Alright, Mads, I should go,” I said with a yawn, breaking into her reverie of my own someday maybe wedding.

“Oh, of course. Momma ought to get her baby rest,” she teased me, but it was all in love and excitement for me.

“You know it,” I giggled. “And that hottie in my bed tonight, snoring away,” I snickered.

“Jesus, you lucky bitch,” Madison joked, sort of.

“Yeah, yeah,” I grinned. “Night, Mads. Love you long.”

“Love you hard, Juliette,” she grinned back before we managed to hang up the call. I leaned my head back against the wall for a long moment, smiling to myself. I could honestly do this - I could have a happy life, I thought to myself.

I used the toilet one last time, already starting to feel the need to do that more often, before slipping back into bed with Taron, realizing just how much I had missed seeing the silhouette of his sleeping form. We had grown so comfortable with each other, that that absence over five weeks had been misery. But like magnets, we had found our way back to each other, his openness, vulnerability and forgiving heart never once questioning whether I should be in his life. He already knew that was where I belonged, and I loved him so much for never doubting it. I needed him, and he accepted that, and trusted so much of himself to my broken heart.

“Love you, T,” I said in the darkness, brushing my fingers lightly through his hair, before settling in next to him, feeling every ache and pain, emotionally wrought, but also feeling a deep satisfaction too. There was a certain courage in what he was choosing to do, and I respected him whole-heartedly for it. The universe had given me the greatest gifts, the man beside me, and the baby inside me. As I fell into the sweetest slumber, I promised myself I wasn’t ever going to let go now.

How will Taron and Juliette’s lives intersect, now that there’s a baby between them? Find out in Chapter 8 HERE.

[sallyface-incorrect]

The Struggles of Having ADHD

- Only Being able to sleep either 2 hours or 16, there’s no in between. I am legit typing this at 3:02 am because I can’t sleep and I haven’t slept that much and it sucks. Summer is for sleeping, not for stress.

- Not being able to remember basic information about someone like their name, but being able to remember that they once told you that their great great aunt had a mole on her foot the shape of Texas. True story btw, sorry Amber.

- Feeling like your being rejected if your friend can’t make it to hang out with you because of family reasons. RSD is a bitch. Like the tiniest thing can make you feel rejected. Ie, your mom telling you not to be so loud, someone asking why your sneezes are so loud, someone asking you to return their pen, etc.

- Having your medication ware off/forgetting to take it and being the most annoying bitch in the galaxy. I once went on a school trip and my meds wore off and I ended up spending the 2 hour bus ride back annoying the guy who was trying to sleep in front of me, again, I am so sorry Max.

- IDK if it’s just me but, chewing on literally everything. Bottle caps, paper, fabric, rubber (my favorite), and much more. I used to get punished all the time for chewing on things I wasn’t supposed to. Nail biting is also a big thing. And so is hair chewing.

- Being told “You’re too smart to have ADHD”. Well Susan, I have a neurological devolpmental disorder, I’m not retarded.

- Either giving too much information or not enough when in conversation, and also bringing up really irrelevant things in the conversation like, I know we’re talking about the Louisiana Perchance but can I tell you about this one time it rained and I saw a snail?

- Being botherd by loud and/or repetitive noises. Pen clicking and high pitched sirens make me want to scream. They suckkk harder then Travis wants to suck Sal’s dick. And the worse is when people think you’re weird or that you have a problem with them for asking. I understand you like to click your pen and I’m so sorry it’s just so loud...

- Being afraid of your friends rejecting you. Again, RSD is a bitch. Like you’re afraid that one day your bestie will get up and leave and never come back and it’s all your fault and you suck and ughhhhhh. You’re also afraid their s/o / parents hate you and one day they’ll convince them to just leave you.

- Medication is a godsend but it’s also problematic. The stuff that I take fucks up my sleep schedule, my appetite, and make me tired and nauseous. It also gives me headaches and belly aches :(

- Either being so hungry that you also eat everything in your fridge or being so not hungry that even the concept of food disgust you. And sometimes, you even throw up because food is so gross and you’re gross and all that gross is inside you and eww.

- Intense, powerful migraines. They get worse in the winter months. Last year I took almost a week off of school because my migraines got worse and worse and worse and I couldn’t do it.

- Having no measurement of personal space or how to physically interact with someone. I just said hi, do I hug you, do I high five you, idk? Like idk how many potential friendships I’ve fucked up because I was too handsey.

- Being really particular about the type of clothing I wear. I love LOVE long sleeve shirts/ sweatshirts/ sweaters/ hoodies and shorts. I also love to wear socks around the house. I hate HATE wearing socks with shoes though, it makes me anxious. I also hate wearing certain types of pants. I literally only have 2 - 3 pairs of pants I’ll wear because pants sometimes feel like a tent and I hate that.

- Not being able to loose weight. I’m not fat, or chubby, I mean I have abs for God’s sake! It’s just that I have thick ass thigh I h a t e and I wish I could just get rid of them but my medication prevents me from loosing all that weight. On the bright side, I can eat a lot and not gain weight either.

- Having certain little routines you can’t skip. For example, every morning I must shave my legs and brush my hair or the world will end. I also must have all the doors and windows closed or else I’m gonna scream.

- Also idk if this is a problem for anyone else but doors and windows being open. I can’t stand it, I mean please, I don’t care that you’re just coming up for 1 thing but p l e a s e for the love of g o d, close the door that leads to upstairs. Having it open just isn’t right.

- Hyperfixiating on something for soo long that you forget to do basic hygiene like shower, use the bathroom, brush your hair, brush your teeth. It can get you in really big trouble but at least the job is done.

- Having a comfort item. Like I have this stuffed lamb whose name is “Lambchop” but I call “Lambie” and I sleep with them each and every night and carry them around the house with me when I’m home and if I’m upset I NEED to cuddle them bacuse it’s the only thing that will make the world go away.

- Being insanely good at certain academics and shitty at others. For example, when I was in 5th grade I was reading at an undergrad level and had the ability to understand science concepts a senior would be learning but my math was at the level of a second graders.

- Idk how to describe it but like, doing movements half way and the forgetting about them. Like this one time I was at a piano recital and I went to reach for something and forgot what I was reaching for so I just kinda held my hand up in a grabbing motion for half a song and then forgot about it until my mom reminded me to put it down.

- Not being able to understand that people don’t want to hear about your hyperfixiation. I’ve had 2 cases of this in my life, my “ghosts are definitely really and now this is my only personality triat” and my “I’m not a weeb but Tokyo Ghoul is so good now let me tell you all about the plot.” (Tokyo Ghoul gang REPRESENT)

- Having 3 different moods, hyperactive, normal, and cold. Like you’re normal most of the time but sometimes you’re sooo hyper that your an entirely different person, or sometimes you’re sooo distant you’re a different person too.

- Not being able to identify your emotions very well. Like, this guy just told me that my dad and my bestie are asshole who deserve to die in a fire, what am I feeling? Am I sad? Angry? Scared? Do I think this is funny? Am I gonna laugh? Cry? Idk, throw hands? Or the dreaded crush. Do I have feelings for this person or do I just want to be really good friends? Do I hate them? Love them? Am I gonna cry the next time I see them? Last time we hung out was fun but idk???

- Also like I mentioned, romance/sexuality is hard. Last time I dated I dated this guy I really liked, or at least I thought I did. We dated for three months before I blew it off because he asked to put his arm around me and it was weird when I said yes. Also sexuality. Idk if this is a problem for anyone else or just my bisexual ass. Like it’s so hard and I really like guys but hey, girls are hot. And like I like guys more than girls?? Sometime it makes me feel really fake.

- Really enhanced weird hearing. I know at least 80% of my classes drama because I have superhearing and I’m a literal hearing god bow down, bitch. I can hear the smallest of sounds and such, but for some goddamn reason I can’t understand how loud I’m being.

- Extestensial nihilism and just being cool about it. Like, dude, idk if there’s a god out there? I’d like to think there’s some sort of Devine power and we have a purpose but idk, we probably don’t have a purpose. I mean, we’ll be forgotten after we die anyway unless we’re Tom Holland. And love probably doesn’t exist either and it’s only stigmatized by movies and books and media and we’re all gonna get married and be miserable for ever and such. But like does it really even matter? In the end we’re all alone so go off I guess.

- Being really sensitive to smell. Certain smells drive me through the roof. For example, I have an extreme fish allergy and even smelling the slightest hint a salmon can give me a migraine so intense I think I’m dying. Or essential oils. Ughh I hate those. They send me through the roof.

- Being able to remember something you heard in a YouTube video you watched back when you were nine but not being able to remember when you birthday is some days because it really be like that.

- Being really good with little kids. Idk if everyone is like this but I am very childish myself and little kids love me. I have at least 3 little boys in 1st - 3rd grade who think I’m their girlfriend and 8 little girls in kindergarten - 5th grade who think I’m their big sister, it’s really sweet.

- Always apologizing is a big thing for me. When I was a child I used to get in trouble for saying sorry when I did anything and that carried to teen hood. Last year at my dance class my teacher noticed this and tried to help me break my habit god bless you Christine.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk bois. ADHD sucks but I know you can do it👌🏻

[fantasiesandbooks]

Tenerife Sea iv

I don’t own any of the photos.

Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15

You were starting to get nervous as you look into Chanyeol’s hard gaze upon you and then focusing on a very uncomfortable Baekhyun standing almost next to him.

“I got out of the studio earlier and thought to stop by to have dinner with you here but It looks like you already had other things in mind” He said in a harsh tone returning his gaze towards you.

“I can explain” you said trying to sound calmed.

“Why did you lie to me?” Chanyeol said starting to sound upset and crossing his arms by his chest “You said you were going to do chores and cleaning but by the looks of these -he said gesturing at the table where there was a couple of empty bowls and the bottle of wine with two empty glasses left- it seems you already had this planned on your to do list“.

“I didn’t lie!” you rushed to say “I did spend the rest of the day cleaning and went to the supermarket”.

“To buy that.” He pointed out. “No” suddenly Baekhyun intervened and you and Chanyeol turned to look at him, both with a confused look as if you almost had forgotten he was also there. “I brought the wine” He said matter-of-factly and he  slightly shrink at the stares the two of you gave him. “You are not helping” you said to Baekhyun and the boy shrugged his shoulders “I was trying to lighten the mood” he said.

“Are you dating?” Chanyeol asked to nobody in particular, seriousness in his voice. “WHAT?!” Baekhyun and you almost yelled at unison, looking at him as if he had gone mad. “No” both said firmly and you hold Chanyeol’s gaze to show him you were saying the truth. Chanyeol didn’t quit the hard staring –usually, that was the first step he does when he gets angry, boy if you know… Chanyeol and you have had fights before, mainly due to fact that sometimes you can be very stubborn and he on the other hand coud be the same depending on the topic. Nevertheless, you two tried to solve it at the moment or leave each other until time calmed things up which normally is in two or three days depending on why you fought in the first place-.

You gave a heavy sigh “Listen… Baekhyun and I had dinner together because I owed him and I said I’ll treat him dinner”. “Yeah, although she didn’t give me a choice about the place or the food” Baekhyun said, “You didn’t complain about it while you were eating it” you scoffed, “It was delicious!, I’m just stating the facts. Go on…” he smiled and gestured you to continue your explanation. You rolled your eyes at that and kept going “Anyway… we’d just finished dinner and you arrived when we were starting to cleaning up”.

“Why did you owed him?” Chanyeol asked, his voice starting to sound less serious. “Because…” You tried to come up with a reasonable excuse but your brain was blank with an answer. “Because she had asked me to lent her some money and she hadn’t pay me until now” Baekhyun quickly answered, you turned to look at him with wide eyes and just nodded at what he said.

Chanyeol unfolded his arms, starting to seem a little bit more calm “Why didn’t you asked me?” he sighed “I could have lend you the money” he was looking straight into your eyes now, “You were with Sehun in LA when she asked me” Baekhyun answered again, leaving the playfullness aside and looking as serious as he could be while Chanyeol returned his gaze on him and slightly frowned at his response, letting out an awkward “Oh” as if he didn’t know what else to say. “I didn’t want to bother you so I asked him instead” you said.

“I understand” Chanyeol said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. I didn’t mentioned it because I thought it wasn’t important to brought that up and let alone I would have imagined you’ll come here so late” you said trying to comforting him in a way.

“Yeah, everything’s cool Yeol” Baekhyun said approaching him and gave him a pat on the back “You know how can we get all this argument behind and end the night in the best way possible?” He suddenly returned to be his cheerfull self. “With a nice beer in the new bar at downtown” His eyes sparkled, turning to look at you and Chanyeol.

“You are a little drunk already” you pointed out. “I’m perfectly fine” he said as he staggered slightly to his side and bump Chanyeol in the arm causing the last one to throw him a judging look.

“Ah! Come on guys, there’s been ages since I last went out” Baekhyun whined and tried to pull the puppy eyes on you so you would give in.

“You said there has been two weeks since you went clubbing” Chanyeol said, remembering his friend complaining at the dance practice with the guys.

“I mean… yes, but I don’t count that as a social get away. At the club you mainly dance and drink but at a bar you can talk and drink. See my point?” He asked.

“You can also talk in a club” Chanyeol pointed out. “My point is… I just want to drink, eat and talk for the rest of the night” Baekhyun replied, tiredness in his voice, “You’d just literally did that about 30 minutes ago” you said to him, “I want to do it without all the nagging about Sehun” he replied frustraded, immediately widening his eyes at the realization about what he had just said while Chanyeol gave him a questioning look and you on the other side, a half shocked- half murderous one.

“Sehun?!... What are you talking about?” Chanyeol asked him, confusion readable on his face as if he had missed half of the movie and was trying to make sense of the finale. If looks could kill, Baekhyun would had been long gone by now but you tried to keep calm so Chanyeol couldn’t see your nerves spiral up and prayed that Baekhyun will come up with a clever answer.

“Ah… I might had drunk too much, I’m starting to feel dizzy and nauseous” Baekhyun said, making a grimace, lounching himself againts Chanyeol and tried to put his arm  around the other boy making him crouch awkardly “I think we should go now” he put his other hand against his belly and made a pained face -the acting he has done had improved his skills, you have to give him that, but right now your best friend-crush wasn’t buying the act 100%-. Chanyeol took the arm of his roommate off and reluctlantly agreed to leave “Fine we’ll go but y/n, do you have a bottle of water or something like that? I don’t want him to throw up on my car” he made a face of disgust thinking about that. “Sure, they’re in the fridge, you can go grab them and I will give him a plastic bag just in case” you said and Chanyeol nodded, going straight to the kitchen for them.

You turned to look at Baekhyun and slapped his arm “Aah” the boy exclaimed while he rubbed the part where you had hit him and turned to look at you “I’m sorry”, “You better be” you said in a low voice so only he could hear you and go grab one of the plastic bags from the takeout food, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep pretending and he’ll forget about it by the time we’ll get to the dorms” he whispered.

Chanyeol came out of the kitchen with two bottles of water and gave one to Baekhyun “Here, start drinking it” Baekhyun grabbed it and took a zip from it “Well, It was a wonderful dinner, thanks y/n, we should do this more often” the boy gave you a cheeky smile and started walking towards the door, you sneered at his comment and shook your head, he really loves to push my buttons- you thought to yourself, your mind coming back to reality as you locked eyes with Chanyeol “This is the bag for him” you stretched your hand for him to take it, “I took it it from the takeout I assumed was for me, and here” you stretched your other hand with a heavier bag “It’s the one with your food” you gave him a little smile as he took both of them “Thanks” he said and the both of you started walking to the door where Baekhyun was waiting for him “Wait, What about your car?” you asked Baekhyun as he was drinking from the bottle “You can stop by the dorms tomorrow and bring it” he shrugged and gave you his car keys, “If something happens to it, I’ll torture you for the rest of your life” he warned you “Don’t you do that already?” you asked him “Right now I’m considering do that until you’re 70” he smiled mischiveously “Got it” you laughed, he waved goodbye at you and turned to go to the elevators.

Chanyeol sneered at Baekhyun’s comment and look at you “So…mmm…” the tall boy made and awkward gesture and started playing with the bags straps “Sorry again for the misunderstanding” he said sounding regretful, “It’s ok. I’m sorry for not mentioned it and also because now you have to take him home” you said, turning to look quickly at an impatient Baekhyun pressing all the elevator buttons and returning your gaze to the other “Well I have done that plenty of times so one more it’s not big deal” he said trying to sound as if it didn’t matter “But if he does throws up and stains my car you will owe me big time” he said trying to sound serious “Fine, I’ll pay for the washing” you stretched your hand to seal the deal and Chanyeol took it while a crooked smile crept up his lips “That and a home-made dinner. You have never cooked something for me in all this years of friendship” he gave you a reproachful look, “What are you talking about? Sometimes you have eaten things I cooked here” you answered incredoulously “But that are the leftovers you have from things you cook to take with you at work. I want to pick what I’m going to eat” He said smugly and you gave a long sigh “Ok, just remember I’m not Gordon Ramsay” at that Chanyeol smiled a little and nodded “Chanyeol come on” Baekhyun yelled as he was holding the elevator door to prevent it from closing, the other boy turned to look at you “See you tomorrow”, “See you, now go” you smiled and gaved goodbye at him, he turned around and started jogging towards the door to catch up with his friend.

You watch them go and closed the door from your apartment, releasing a breath you didn’t even notice you were holding, “Well, at least this problem was solved” you said to yourself. Suddenly you remembered you still have to talk to Sehun about this “situation” and wanted to dissapear from this planet. Your life was taking a lots of turns so sudden and you didn’t know how to go on with them  but at this moment you just tried to put your mind in blank as you continue with the cleaning.

 The drive to the dorm was particularly quiet this time, mainly because Baekhyun was pretending to be drunk and looking through the car’s window and Chanyeol well, he was just tired from the hectic days he has had for the upcoming album with Sehun and the rehearsals for Exo’s concerts. He gave a quick glance at the other boy “How are you feeling?” he asked, turning his look back at the road “Ah… I feel better now” Baekhyun said trying to sound tired and keeping his gaze on the streets, “So can I ask you why didn’t you  tell me about the dinner?” Baekhyun turned to look at him “Seriously? You are gonna come up with that, again?!” he  asked annoyed, “I just want to know, curiousness gets the best of me” Chanyeol said not turning to look at him.

“Y/N already told you, she didn’t think it was important and neither am I” he pointed out. “Ok” Chanyeol gave a little nod and continue focusing on driving until they stopped at a red traffic light “Do you… do you like her?” Chanyeol asked hesitantly, “Of course I like her” Baekhyun said as if stating the obvious and Chanyeol turned abruptly his face, looking at the orange-pinkish haired boy with wide eyes, “I mean she’s my friend too, I could even called her the sister I’d always wanted to have” Baekhyun finished and the tall boy let out an annoyed sigh “I didn’t mean in that way, dumbass. What I meant to asked is that if you like her as a woman; as a girlfriend material” he explained to which he only got a chuckle from his friend “Oh my god no!. Listen I consider her attractive, I mean her body is insane nowadays, haven’t you seen her at the gym? I was shooked went I picked her up and the out…”

“Ok I got it, you like her physically, moving on…” Chanyeol interrumpted him, frowning a little bit but not that little for that to go unnoticed by Baekhyun.

“Well there’s that part and most of the times I like her personality but I don’t know, the love I feel for her is more…familiar in a way.” He finished, “maybe because she is like me in a certain way”. Chanyeol laughed at the last statement “Boy, you really must be drunk if you think that. You two couldn’t be more different” he said and started the engine again, “I’m not saying she’s my female version. It’s because of the things I do people say I’m funny and she can be funny too in a different way, even if she hasn’t intended to.” A crooked smile crep up his lips as he remembered the embarrasing moments he has witnessed of you “Don’t you agree?” he asked Chanyeol and the boy smiled too, maybe sharing the same thoughts about it “Yeah, I guess so”.

“So what about you?” Baekhyun turned to look at him, “What about me?” Chanyeol asked not turning to face him, “Do you like her in that way?” the other boy said with curiousness in his voice, he could see his tall friend stiffen his grip on the steering wheel a little and trying to avoid his gaze upon him. “I haven’t thought about that really” he cleared his throat and kept looking at the traffic signs –Usually the road from your house to their dorms wasn’t that long but after the turning this conversation had taken, Chanyeol was really hoping to get at soon as posible- “Oh Really?” Baekhyun asked inquiringly not taking his gaze from him, dawn it, I shouldn’t have asked him Chanyeol thought to himself “Yes, right now I’m to stressed about our schedule and the album that the only think I want is to sleep for a whole month straight” he tried to sound nonchalantly and gave the other boy a quick tired look. Baekhyun knew their lives and specially Chanyeol’s were very busy at the moment so he decided to go easy on him for now althought he knew his friend was not being completely honest with him “Fine Sleeping Beauty, I won’t push it but eventually we’ll have to had a deep talk about this” he said as he turned to looked outside and saw they were entering the street to where the dorms were located. Chanyeol didn’t reply at his last comment, too tired to have a discussion with Baekhyun as they entered the parking lot and both men got out of the car.

Once in their apartment both boys parted ways to each of their rooms which were almost one in front of the other, “Yeol” Baekhyun called for the tall boy while the other was opening the door from his room. His friend turned to look at him “Thank you for the ride” he gave him a little smile “anytime” Chanyeol said as he returned the smile, “I will make sure y/n pays you” the smaller boy said cheekly and entered his room “good night” he said and closed the door, leaving Chanyeol laughing and shaking his head as he also entered his room and closed his door.

 The next morning you were feeling a little bit better overall, you took a shower and changed into a casual outfit, had breakfast and decided to go the boys dorms to return Baekhyun’s car. You arrived at the apartment, rang the doorbell and waited a couple of minutes but nobody answered it so you decided to call Baekhyun.

“Hey! I’m outside the dorms. Can you open the door?” you said to him, in the meantime looking around your surroundings as you were getting bored.

“Hi y/n! There is no one at the dorms. We are heading back from practice and we’ll be there in 10 minutes. I can give you the enter code so you can wait for us inside” He said.

“Fine, tell me the code” you said and began pressing the numbers until the door made a sound that meant it was unlocked. “Great! Thank you, see you guys in a bit”. “Sure, bye” and with that both of you hung up the phone. You entered the apartment and took off your shoes, everything was unusually quiet as most of the times you had come most of the boys were here doing a mess of the place –It was a beautiful apartment, spacious, modern decorated, with a lot of rooms althought some of the guys shared the bedrooms- you decided to put some of the new music you had wanted to listen and were not able to until now. You were joyful as most of them were up beat songs and out of nowhere you started to dance- there has been 5 months now since you decided to take dance lessons from every kind of music. Of course your skills weren’t any like the boys but you felt happy because you were improving as time passed by and also going there was like a little escape for a part of your soul you haven’t let anyone see due to your shiness.- You were having your own little party, swaying your hips and wining to the rhythm of the music and were so into it that you didn’t hear the door opened. The first ones to entered was Suho and Chen, who stood frozen in their places with a shocked look on their faces followed by Chanyeol and Sehun with a bewildered look, the last one trying to supress a laugh and lastly Baekhyun and Jongin with an excited look on their features.

“Wow y/n” Baekhyun shouted and you turned to look at them, shocked and embarrasment evident in your face. Baekhyun cheered for you while Jongin and Sehun started laughing, following by the others and you just wanted for the earth to make a hole in the ground and swallow you up. Suho approached you and gave you a pad on your back “enough guys, let her be” he chuckled, you just laughed and hide your face from the others on his chest “I’m so embarrased” you muffled against his chest to which he only laughed more and patted your head. “You should teach me how to dance that” Baekhyun said smirking at you. You were so focused on your embarrasment that you didn’t notice the new hair looks in the boys when you first saw them- Baekhyun was blonde again, Sehun with a silver-platinum hair, Jongin brownish, Suho black, Chen chocolate-brown and Chanyeol White- oh my god! he looks so good, that’s what you thought when your eyes landed on him and felt your cheeks started to flush again making you quickly looked away from him.

The rest of the boys greeted you and most of them went to their rooms leaving you only with Baekhyn and Chanyeol. “So y/n, seems you were having a lot of fun by your own, weren’t you?” Baekhyun said as he was spreading himself on the sofa while Chanyeol went to sit on the couch across from it. “Ahg… leave me alone Baek” you whined and went to sit next to him “I have never seen you dance like that before” Chanyeol said turning to look at you.

“I… yeah… well… I’m improving my skills” you said, eyes on your hands.

“Clearly” Baekhyun snorted and you hit him on the arm to which he only made a pained grimace. “Anyway, why didn’t you tell me you had dance practice his early?” you asked both guys, “We didn’t know, our manager send us a message at 5am. We were supposed to be back three hours ago but after that they decided to dyed our hairs” Chanyeol answered. “Well you look good with them” you said and Chanyeol smile softly at you.

“Thank you, we are getting ready to stop some hearts at the concerts, don’t we Yeol?” Baekhyun said proudly and Chanyeol just shook his head and chuckled “Sure” he started getting up from the couch “listen guys I will go and get a shower, I have to be in the studio with Sehun in 2 hours”. “Oh ok” you said to him “I’ll see you next Friday?” he asked you. “As always” you smiled at him and he returned it, “Ok, see you around” he started to walk towards his room “Bye” Baekhyun and you said at unison “And eat something before you leave” you shouted and heard a “Yes” from Chanyeol and a door closing after that.

You turned to look at Baekhyun who was kinda sleepy on the sofa “Hey”, he turned to look at you with sleeply eyes “Here are your keys” you stretched your hand and handed them to him “thanks” he yawned. “Listen, do you think it will be a good idea if I talk to Sehun now?” you whispered. Baekhyun turned to look at you eyes wide open “Are you sure  you want to do that?” he said doubtfully. “Well, I don’t have a choice since you already told him. Besides, I can’t live with the daily fear of him telling Chanyeol anything about my crush for him”, “Well, in that case I agree with you it would be better if you talk to him now” he said getting comfortable on the couch and closing his eyes “Geez, thanks for encouragement” you said sarcastically and got up from the couch in order to go to Sehun’s room, “Anytime” he yawned and waved at you to which you rolled your eyes and kept walking.

Ok, you can do this, just be honest with Sehun and he might help you or at least wouldn’t mention a Word about it, you thought to yourself as you were standing outside his room. You gave a heavy sigh and knocked on his door, “Who is it?” you heard him asked from the other side of it “It’s me y/n. Can I come in?” you asked, feeling your nervousness starting to increase and tried your best to put it down, “Yeah” he said. You opened the door, step inside and close it again. You found him laying on his back on the bed, “What’s up?” He leaned on his shoulders to look at you.

You didn’t know how to start this conversation so you tried to bring up the subject smoothly “I want to talk with you about something…mmm…personal” you said avoiding his gaze. “Oh! please don’t tell me is something about your period or some other girls stuff” he whined “WHAT?!... Of course not. Why would I talk about that with you?” you asked frowning at him, not knowing how that topic came to his mind. “I don’t know. You said it was personal” he pointed out. “Yeah well, its not that so relax” you assured him. “Ok so, what is it then?” he asked you, “Well… I know Baekhyun mentioned you something about Chanyeol and me” you sighed, standing awkwardly under his gaze, “Ah yes! About your infinite love for him” he said. “Ssh… Could you said it louder? I think the people from next door didn’t hear you” You said sarcastically and sending him a hard gaze, “Wait… infinite love for him?” you asked. “His words, not mine” he stated shrugging. Fucking Baekhyn you thought “Aah…Yes its about that. I’m here to beg you that for all the love you have for Vivi, please don’t mention a word of this to Chanyeol” You pleaded him, approaching to sit on his bed next to him.

“Why?” He asked, standing his upper body so he could be face to face with you. You sighed “Because… I’m not ready to talk to him about my feelings and honestly I don’t know if I ever will be ready to. I have a great relationship with him as my best friend and I know there could be a chance to have that too as a boyfriend but there is also the chance that I might loose the first one if I tell him and I’m too scared to test it” You said, feeling as if the heavy weight you have been carrying all along had been diminished. Sehun could see in your features the worry that came upon you when you were telling him your thoughts and feelings. Although he wasn’t that close to you like Chanyeol or Baekhyun, he really likes you. You’ve been always nice to him and as time went by he’d started to look at you as a sister. “Fine… I won’t say anything to him” he sighed and gave you a small smile, your eyes lighten up and a smile crept up on your lips as you throw yourself at him making you both fell into the bed. “Thank you thank you thank you” you squeezed him in a big hug and the tall boy gasped for air “Ok… too much love. Let go off me” he said in between short breaths and tapping your arms so you could released him. You laughted at this and turned your back, both of you staring at the ceiling.

“Have you make a plan or something to tell him?” He asked you. You considered not telling him about  Baekhyun’s plan to get you a fake boyfriend, specially the part where he was one of the options You were sure he wouldn’t agree on that as he considered Chanyeol like his brother just as the other guys and honestly it would just feel weird if you pretend to be in love with one of them. “Not really” you sighed “Baekhyun suggested I should pretend to date someone but I'm not very keeing with that idea”.

“I think it could work” he said after a couple of seconds of thinking about it, “You think?” you asked doubtfully, “Yeah, like Baekhyun I have seen the way he looks at you sometimes and the way he takes care of you and let me tell you that is not just a “besties kind of affection”. Maybe seeing you with someone else will make him show his true intentions” he said thoughtfully.

“I hope you guys will be right about it” you said, “I could say I’m 93% sure this would work” he said smugly.

“Really? That’s very bold for you to say” you turned to look at him and he turned his head so he could face you “Yep, that’s how I’am” he gave you a crooked smile. You slapped his chest and both laughed at his response. “Ok so I have to go to the studio with Chanyeol today but later on the week you, me and Baekhyun can meet up and discuss the plan. Are you agree?” He asked to which you nodded. “Cool! so I’ll call you to set up the meeting” he said, “Thanks again Hunnie” you smiled at him.

“No problem” he said smiling at you “Now let me sleep” he got comfortable on the bed and you gave a short laugh as you were standing up from his bed. You got out of his room and leaned back on the wall next to his room, so operation “getting Chanyeol” begins now you thought and were feeling kind of excited at that thought.

Thank you for the support and comments. I hope you like the series and enjoy this chapter. I’ve been having busy days with homework but I’ll try to come up with the next one soon. ^^

[itsalliepg]

What Happened In Vegas - Drake x Erika (MC) - Part 3

SUMMARY: Drake and Erika (MC) are ready to tell their friends about her pregnancy, and find someone from the gang’s past. How Erika will react?

PAIRING: Drake x Erika

RATING: Teen

WORDS: 1599

NOTE: English isn’t my native language. I write to practice and learn, so please sorry any mistakes. I hope you like it, and if you do, I’d appreciate if you like/comment/reblog!

Click here to read Part 1 Part 2

Tagging @cora-nova @texaskitten30

The next day, Erika swayed between the peaceful calm and the nervousness that could make her explode. Drake was relaxed, making jokes and kissing her often, so she could tell he was excited in his own way. And that was what she could hold on to. His happiness was her happiness. If he was smiling, so was she. So, nothing could ruin it. Nothing.

               Not even Maxwell when he saw them coming to the palace. Erika flinched when she saw him rushing to her and Drake and wrapping his arms around the couple.

               _My OTP! How I missed you both! – he said, his usual grin on his face.

               _Ugh, Maxwell, be careful! – Drake was worried that this might be too much for Erika. They should tell soon.

               _Sorry, you know I can get carried away when it comes to my best friends!

               _Oh, believe me, Maxwell, we know that – Hana approached the group and hugged Drake and Erika. The women pulled back exchanging a knowingly look. Hana was the only one who knew the reason for this meeting.

               _I’ve said so much fluff makes me nauseous – Olivia’s voice came from behind Erika, who pulled her into a tight hug – I missed you too – Olivia patted Erika’s back, an uncomfortable but happy smile in her face – hey, Drake – they shook hands.

               _It’s nice to see you, Olivia – he said respectfully – so, what are we waiting for to get in?

               _Hana and I were waiting for you, so nothing! Let’s go! – Maxwell said, cheerfully. Erika couldn’t tell if she was pleased or annoyed. She didn’t dislike Maxwell, but his presence reminded her of things she wanted to forget.

               When they entered the hall, they found Liam talking intently to a young woman with long light brown hair and blue eyes. Her fair skin further emphasized the red lipstick. Liam and the woman turned to the group when they heard their footsteps.

               _Hey you guys! Perfect timing! Look who’s visiting us! – Liam pointed the woman and she smiled.

               _Beth! – Maxwell bounced and rushed to her, then pulled her into a tight hug – how long!

               _Oh, Maxwell, I missed you too – Beth returned the hug, giggling. When Maxwell finally left her, she greeted Hana – always radiant, Hana. It’s amazing seeing you again.

               _And you, Beth! I can see that Belgium has done well for you! – Hana complimented.

               _And you fashion sense never changes – Olivia said as she hugged Beth.

               _Same about you, Olivia – when Beth turned to Drake and Erika, the Duchess of Valtoria noticed the surprised expression on her husband’s face.

               _I can’t believe…Freckles? – Drake grinned, but Beth grimaced.

               _Ugh, Walker! Nobody calls me that for years! – Drake ignored her discontent and hugged her.

               _What are you doing here? – Drake asked – I thought you’d be in Brussels now, like, forever.

               _Well, my father needs me here in Cordonia now – she saw Erika and held out her hand – hi, you must be Duchess Erika. I’m Elizabeth Roffinteau, but you can call me Beth – Erika shook Beth’s hand – congratulations on the wedding. Drake invited me, but I was busy with business issues.

               _Oh, Drake told me about you – Erika smiled – your father is Count Benedict Roffinteau, owner of Roffinteau Engineering, right? – Beth nodded slightly – Drake told me you are his right hand in the company, so you couldn’t come to our wedding.

               _Exactly, and I feel so sorry. Drake Walker getting married was something I never imagine would happen. I admire you, Erika, for melting Mr. Grump’s heart – Beth chuckled and Drake rolled his eyes.

               _As you can see, Freckles loves to make fun of me.

               _That’s why I like her – Olivia winked.

               _So, what is the news you wanted to tell us? – Maxwell asked and turned to Beth – this meeting is all Drake and Erika’s idea! They said they want to tell us something!

               _Oh, so I can see I chose the right time to visit Liam – Beth smiled, and Erika noticed her smile was languid, as if she was trying to charm anyone looking at her.

               _Okay, let’s do it – Drake took Erika’s hand –you want to tell or can I tell? – he asked, and Erika knew exactly what to say when she saw the sparkle in his eyes.

               _You can tell, Drake, I know you’re crazy to do that – Erika kissed his cheek and he took a deep breath.

               _Okay – he looked at his friends, grinning – Williams is pregnant. We’re going to have a baby!

               _OH MY GOD! – Maxwell shouted – Bartie will get a cousin! – he was the first to react. It made Erika feel her stomach tie in a knot again. But no. He wasn’t the father.

               _Congratulations, you too! – Liam greeted – you must be very excited.

               _Of course we are! – Drake kissed Erika on her forehead.

               _Erika doesn’t look very happy… - Beth noticed, and Hana’s eyes widened. In fact, Erika was strangely quiet. And her stomach again reacted, this time she felt a chill that almost made her gasp.

               _No, uh, I’m just surprised by this news…I’m still getting used to the idea of being a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to, but I had no idea it would be so fast… - Erika explained, almost stuttering.

               _Oh, that I agree – Olivia interrupted, to Erika’s relief – and, congratulations. I hope your baby takes after you, Erika, in looks and personality – she chuckled and Drake rolled his eyes.

               _Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny, Olivia – he said.

               _Well, I really admire you, Erika. I’m curious to see what Drake will be like as a father – Beth smiled languidly again, this time looking at Drake. Erika couldn’t explain why, but she didn’t like it. The friends greeted the couple, and the duchess just wished that this would be over quickly. She thought she was fine with that, but she wasn’t. Not when Maxwell was around. When the cook announced the lunch was ready, the group sat at the table and talked animatedly while eating. Erika chose her words prudently, afraid of letting something slip. Hana, sitting next to her, discretely squeezed her hand, showing that everything was fine – so, uh, tell me about yourself, Erika – Beth said – I know you were a waitress in New York, and now you’re a duchess, I imagine your life in America it was nothing like this.

               _Oh, yeah, you can say so – Erika answered – I thought it would be difficult at first, but I found amazing friends and the love of my life, and now our kid – she kissed Drake’s hand.

               _I can say my life has changed too since I met Williams.

               _And I can see Drake still has the habit of calling people by their surnames and nicknames he created himself – Erika looked at Beth’s face and noticed she actually had freckles on her fair skin. The makeup tried to disguise, but they were still there.

               _She had even more freckles when she was a child – Drake snorted – she looked like a dalmatian.

               _Shut up, Drake! – Beth laughed, and the rest of the people at lunch joined her – he never changes, Erika, I should warn you.

               _Oh, how long have you known each other?

               _Actually, since we were six – Liam answered – her father is a great business partner of the Cordonian crown, and her family has always been here for meetings and dinners.

               _I’m the older sister, I have two younger sisters, Danielle and Catherine – Beth told – and we spent our childhood and some teenage days here with Liam, Max, Livvy and Drake. My parents also know Hana’s parents, they’re old friends. Then, when I was sixteen, my father wanted me to be his partner in the company, so he decided to invest in my education. We moved to Belgium, where he was born, and where our company’s headquarters is located, and the next eight years were basically school-work-home.

               _Don’t tell me you lived in Brussels all this time and find no time to have fun! – Olivia startled.

               _Of course I did! Dad wanted me to be one hundred percent focused on my work, but if you know me, you know I can make my will prevail – Beth smirked again, winking at Drake. Erika found this awkward, and uncomfortable.

               _Yeah, she really knew how to make us play the way she wanted. We used to argue sometimes about that – Drake said.

               _Yeah, he and Beth hated each other at first. After a while, they became friends – Liam told Erika – looks like you and him when you first met – the king giggled, and Erika nodded in agreement.

               _I know. Drake may be rough, but he’s actually a sweetheart – Erika smiled at her husband and he leaned in to a quick kiss.

               _That’s true, well said – Beth agreed.

               _If you say so – Olivia shrugged. The friends laughed again. The rest of the lunch was focused on Beth’s life in Belgium. Erika would be mad at that, because her baby, the heir, should be the main target of the conversation that day. But she was relieved they were talking about something else, so she could keep Maxwell from celebrating about the baby, and Erika also could avoid the feelings it would bring. But until when would she live like this? She was supposed to be happy to be a mom, and want to talk about it all the time. That way, she would raise suspects. Like Olivia, who didn’t buy the excuse Erika gave when she was asked if she wasn’t excited about the baby. She noticed something was really wrong with Erika. And by Hana’s eyes, Olivia could tell she knew something too.

[flannelpunkcalum]

The Devil Wears Kevlar - Part 6

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 7

I’ve been excited to post this chapter for WEEKS you guys are hopefully gonna love it. also not to spoil it or anything but CONTENT WARNING: this chapter contains violence ok that is all. pls enjoy and let me know what you thought! 4k words

“Dick Grayson, you’re a brilliant actor.”

It had been all too easy to get into the kitchens. Aspen had pretended Dick was nervous something bad was waiting for him around the corner after his scare, and chefs are usually pretty kind-hearted, they melted. For their troubles, Aspen and Dick got a plate full of the edge pieces of brownies and cheesecake bites - not fit to serve to guests, but more than good enough for them.

They eat them in a stairwell in a hall just off the ballroom, where they’re close enough to the action and can keep from being late.

“That was the performance of a lifetime.” She continues, reaching for another brownie. Dick smiles quietly at her around a mouthful of dessert. He’s a bit of an oddball, if she’s honest, but then again so was she at that age. He’s good company, she’ll say that much. “You get dragged to a lot of these fundraisers?”

Dick nods. “D’you ever mind?” Aspen asks again. She knows she would have. She’d been a sullen fucking kid.

“No, it’s what’s right, for me to do this. It’s important work. There’s no point in catching - like, having the police catch criminals without making sure there are ways for people to survive without having to become criminals in the first place.”

Aspen’s surprise must show, because Dick glances away, like he’s embarrassed. “At least, that’s what Calum says.”

“Nah, man, that’s such an intelligent way to look at it. You’re very- see, I was going to say mature, but that makes it sound like all adults think like that, and we both know that’s not true. Dick Grayson, I’m honoured to be your partner in crime.”

Aspen had been joking, but he almost falls down the stairs laughing at that. She didn’t know it was that funny, but she’ll take it.

It’s not nearly long enough before she gets a text from Calum Hood telling her to bring Dick and come to the ballroom, the guests are showing up. He does not remember putting in his number under anything other than “Work”, so she’s confused immediately. “I didn’t know your dad had this number,” she frowns, and when Dick avoids her eyes she assumes it’s because of how she addressed Calum. “I mean your guardian, I guess. Your parental unit. Hey, look at me, need you to check me for crumbs.”

They make sure they have no chocolate in the corners of their mouths before they head back into the fray. The room looks a little less intimidating with a lower concentration of cops in, and what she can only imagine is Gotham’s hottest string quartet is playing something that sounds like Rachmaninoff. It’s not so bad.

As soon as she sees Dick head across the ballroom to Calum, she slides back to her table with the stoic police officer she met before. Officer Montoya, she remembers. “I miss anything good?” She asks cheerfully, and as Montoya shakes her head Aspen slides a bit of brownie wrapped in a napkin over to her.

They get along a lot better after that.

Donations start to trickle in. Well, not exactly trickle, since the men and women visiting her little table are giving money to the orders of thousands. Aspen had been prepared for that, she thought, but watching people put down a year’s rent in one go in making her lightheaded. Still, she nods and smiles, and no one looks too long at her, which is exactly what she wanted.

Still, it’s almost five thirty, and she’s getting antsy like this. The champagne being passed around looks more and more inviting each time a waiter passes by their table. Calum looks distracted, so she snags a flute off a tray while he’s talking to some other couple dripping with money, and after she takes a sip she places it on the floor by the leg of her chair. Just so none of the guests think they’re giving their money to some lush. Watever. Mr. Hood is drinking, so she’s probably allowed to have just a little, right?

Plus, Aspen never feels more extravagant than when she’s day drinking. She deserves to have a little fun at this thing, just a bit.

Things have been relatively quiet so far, but as Calum steps up to a podium to give his talk she sits up a little straighter. People are undoubtedly going to be inspired by whatever he has to say, so she’s got to be prepared. She takes a more substantial sip of bubbly as he starts to speak, since she’s sure she’ll have her hands full in just a second.

(Sidenote: Aspen loves champagne.)

It turns out that Calum is an eloquent guy, when he wants to be. Aspen’s about two minutes away from digging a five out of her own purse as he waxes poetic about the kids who have to go to school hungry, work to keep a roof over their family’s heads, or beg in alleys. She’s encouraged to see how many diamond earrings are bobbing along to this, how many people look pleased with how generous he’s says they could be. Everyone wants to be good, she thinks, somewhere deep down, even if it’s just to them and theirs. And these people, they’re powerful, they think Gotham is theirs.

Sometimes, when he snaps at her, Aspen forgets how smart Calum Hood is. Right now, as he’s gently wrapping Gotham’s one percent around his finger, she can’t forget it.

She really wants more champagne, as if that would help anything, but she resists as he starts to close his speech. “Gotham’s present may seem… brutal,” He says, with just the right amount of sorrow in his voice, “but together you and I can assure its bright future. When you have a moment, my assistant is waiting to take your donations right after she takes mine. Any amount is welcome, and please, for the kids’ sake, be generous. Enjoy the music!” He adds, and as he soon as he steps aside he makes a beeline for the table.

Aspen golf-claps politely for him as he comes over, and she sees him smile, like he’s bashful, as if he didn’t know he had the whole room in a bind. His guests are still applauding for him as he steps over to her, for fuck’s sake. “I’m truly moved, sir.” She says, starting to type his information into the tablet.

“You’re sweet,” He says, and Aspen misspells his last name just from that.

She corrects herself quickly enough. “I’m honest.” She shrugs, and fixes her eyes back on him. “And how much would you like to donate today, sir?”

“Match it.”

“What?”

“Whatever amount is there. Match it.”

Aspen can be a little dramatic, she says she’s going to go into convulsions or have a heart attack all the time, but this time she actually almost falls out of her chair. “That’s-”

“Match it.”

His look at her leaves no room for argument, so Aspen bites back her response. She knows he’ll see her look and that always seems to speak volumes, between them. “Cash or cheque?” She jokes- thankfully, since he pulls out a chequebook and not a bag of notes like some cartoon bank robber.

Aspen doesn’t watch as he writes out all the zeros on the cheque, she knows she’ll get nauseous. Montoya’s got a damn good poker face, she’ll say that much. When Calum’s done he draws back, but he doesn’t move to leave just yet. “You’re drinking?”

“What?” Aspen blinks. Calum taps his foot against the leg of the table, right next to her flute of champagne. Oh. Suppose she’s caught, then. “You’re drinking.” She says, instead, and fixes her gaze on him. She has to curl her hand into a fist under the desk to maintain it, but he doesn’t know it.

For once, for fucking once, he breaks first. “Fair enough.”

It’s better than champagne, this feeling, but Aspen tries not to show it. “I’m done for now, anyways, I just wanted to taste.” She shrugs. “Gotta stay sharp.”

Calum smiles. “I’ll check in before the dinner.” He says, but doesn’t sound like a warning. It doesn’t sound like just business, either. Aspen doesn’t think about what that leaves.

She focuses on her job, after that. I mean, she was focusing before, but now she’s- fuck. Whatever. She takes the money, she says thank you in her sweetest voice, she makes the donors feel good for what they’ve done. Maybe they deserve it. Aspen doesn’t know if she trusts the rich, not right now, but she can be kind for an afternoon.

She’s aching for another drink by the time guests start to filter out from the ballroom, but she keeps her hands on the table and her smile on her face while she puts down another Drake’s name. Some family, goddamn. When she finally finds time to look around, the room is almost empty. Thank god.

She stands up and stretches, arms about her head. Her back cracks, and Montoya jumps, swears beside her. “Sorry,” Aspen says, as she sits back down and they start to count up the cheques. Aspen has to make a note of someone who said they'd offer $5000 but only wrote a cheque for $500, but it still says “five thousand” on that one line, but that's all that's wrong and Aspen is elated. She expected a robbery or something, anything to justify the security, but this is good too. Now she's confident that the guests have all climbed into their limos and gone to the second leg of the gala, and she's almost - almost! - free to go.

“I'm gonna find Mr. Hood and tell him how much we made so we can go home.” She announces, standing up and trekking across the ballroom. He doesn’t seem to be anywhere, at first glance, and Aspen has to ask two waiters and some unrelated bodyguard until she gets directed towards an office. The door is open a crack and Calum’s there, he’s talking to T. Giordano (Aspen read the nameplate). When she explains that she’s only there to bring Mr. Hood up to speed, T. Giordano lets them use her office while she oversees the end of the event. Aspen’s so pleased about this; she hasn’t slouched in hours, her back feels all sort of wrong.

Calum’s had some rough days, but he looks genuinely happy as Aspen steps into the office. He’s not smiling, but there’s a lightness in his shoulders she hasn’t seen for days. “I think it’s good news, sir.” She says carefully, holding out the tablet in front of her. “I mean, it’s more than you raised last year, so that’s something.”

He takes the tablet from her and looks it over, smiling just a little. “What’s this category, the one just-”

She steps over to his side to look. “Oh, I did a column of all the amounts we actually got from the people, just to make sure there were no problems with the cheques - actually, if you see-”

“I’ll deal with it.” He says. “Thank you for your help today, Aspen, I couldn’t have pulled this off without you.”

He is sweet, but flattery isn’t something Aspen is likely to fall for. “I just watched people write cheques, sir. This was always your event,” and maybe it’s the champagne that’s made her brave but she bumps him with her hip - maybe it’s just because this is the first time she’d been close enough to do it.

Whatever the reason, that’s what sets it off.

Calum’s head snaps over to look at her. They’re leaning against the edge of T. Giordano’s desk, but when Aspen sees the look in his eyes she straightens up a little. Maybe she shouldn’t have done that. He’s putting down the tablet as she starts to apologize. “Sorry if that was inappropriate, it’s been a long day.” She shrugs.

He’s standing right in front of her. “Don’t worry about it.” He says, and when the absence of any scolding in his voice makes her look up he’s giving her this look she’s never seen, like he’s trying to set her soul on fire. His brows are creased, like it hurts, and he huffs out a little breath she doesn’t dare try to interpret. “Can I just-” He says, and reaches out and puts one hand on her waist.

Her eyes are locked on his, but she can feel her chest heave with shallow breaths, feels his hand shift a little with each one. “Yes,” is all she can say, even though there was no question.

Slowly, Calum uses his hold on her hip to drag himself in, and he lowers his head. Before Aspen can remember why she shouldn’t - he’s your boss he’s insane he’s a player and you’re just - he fits his mouth to hers and they are kissing.

There’s nothing rough about this. No teeth. Nothing tears. Just the soft press of his lips against hers and the deep sign he lets out against her cheek. He’s testing again, to see how where she’ll let this go. Yes, she thinks, yes, and she lets him pull himself so close she can feel the heat off his body, and cup her chin gently. He turns her head, just a little, as their lips move against each other like whispers.

Aspen isn’t usually pliant, but she moves with him. His lips are soft against hers, and the way he feels against her- she’d follow that fucking anywhere. This feels like everything she wanted, and she reaches out and finds the back of his neck, pulls him closer, to kiss him deeper, and-

It sounds like a gasp as he pulls away and grabs her wrist, tearing her hand off his skin before she’s even opened her eyes. They’re both panting, blinking in the light, and Aspen won’t be mad about this as long as he lets her kiss him again, she swears, just- “What?”

He’s not looking at her when he says “We can’t do this. You’re drunk.”

A different kind of burning settles into her chest. “I’ve had half a glass of champagne, I’m not-”

“Then I’m drunk.” He interrupts her, though his hand is still on her waist. Aspen tries to tug her wrist out of his grip, but he’s holding tight to that, too.

Aspen wasn’t looking for this and she knows how it goes, when some secretary falls for their boss. She’s the one in danger, not him, and if he says he doesn’t want- if that’s what he wants, then… “If you say so.”

The room seems dead silent, now, so that every word she says almost echoes around the room. Calum feels it too. He shudders a little and lets go of her, all of her, and draws back.

They collect themselves. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but they find things to adjust and fix so they don’t have to look at each other. Aspen straightens out her cardigan, moves away from the desk like it’s a trap. She watches Mr. Hood smooth imaginary wrinkles out of his jacket, and when he turns to face her again it’s like a door has closed somewhere inside of him. Whatever light had been in his face is gone.

She doesn’t want to let it scare her, but - her job, his kiss, there’s so much she needs from him.

She waits for him to speak.

“We should put this behind us.” He says, finally. Aspen didn’t expect anything less, but hearing it out loud - it stings. “This was a mistake.”

That’s worse. There’s a lot Aspen can take, but right now, while she’s still got the taste of him in her mouth… She feels white-hot angry, just for a second, and then she collects herself. “Don’t worry about it.” She says, in a voice that’s way too sweet. She turns to the tablet, so she doesn’t have to see how he reacts. “‘S only a mistake if you let it happen again, right?”

“What?”

She hates the idea of looking at him right now, so she stays facing the desk. “Like - it’s only a mistake if you don’t learn from it, if you let it happen again, so don’t worry about it, I’ll see you Monday, I’m gonna-”

He spins her around in one movement and this time when he kisses her it is rough, but she’s angry too and she tangles her fingers in his hair as soon as she knows what’s happening. He’s pressed his tongue into her mouth and his hands are tight around her hips, strong enough to hold her there. He’s pressed right up against her, crowding her against the desk, and she kisses him back like she wants the air out of his lungs. His teeth catch at her lower lip and she opens her mouth a little wider for him, just so he please won’t stop.

It’s so good, but it’s too intense, and after a long moment they break apart and rest their foreheads together, still panting into each other’s mouths. They’ve still got their nails dug into each other, but Aspen can feel something more than lust and chemicals between them, and as he meets her eyes-

He steps back, like he’s been shoved. “There.” He says, but his usual sureness has melted and she can see his eyes flicker, like he’s nervous. “Now it’s a mistake.”

He’s gone before she can reply.

Aspen doesn’t remember too much, after that. She knows what she did, mostly, to get herself out of the botanical gardens and into a cab, but it’s a blur of smiling and excuses when she tries to think back to who she talked to or what she said. It doesn’t matter, really. She doesn’t scream and she doesn’t cry and she gets in a taxi and really that’s all she needs.

When she has to tell the driver to take her to Hood Enterprises, she almost stutters over Calum’s last name. It hurts, a little, because she wanted this, even though she knew this would happen. Did she think she could handle it? She didn’t love this job, but she was good at it and it payed damn well, and- she might have to quit. Fuck, she hadn’t started this with the intention of leaving before a month was up, but-

Before she can finish that thought they’re at Hood Enterprises headquarters. All she wants is to go in, listen to a few phone calls, and go home, but as soon as she enters the lobby-

“Aspen!”

Shit.

“What do you want.” She says to Liam, too tired to hide her anger. She doesn’t need this right now.

“Is Mr. Hood coming back tonight?”

Aspen doesn’t flinch when she hears his name, but it’s a near thing. “No, he’s not. Now, please, get out of my way, Liam, I just want to go home.” When she tries to push past him, Liam moves to block her, and when she looks at him properly she sees that he’s got what are very near tears in his eyes. “Wait, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”

Liam runs a hand through his hair and doesn’t meet her gaze. “Aspen… I really, really fucked up. I dunno if I can fix it. In sales, I- can you come? Please? I need-” He breaks off, his voice about to crack.

“How’m I supposed to help you out with sales, Liam, I’m not-” She shakes her head. Liam just gave her his biggest saddest eyes he’s got.

Well, shit. Aspen is mad at Liam for everything he did, but that doesn’t mean she can just turn her back on him. She doesn’t want to be the reason he’s fired, after all. They used to be friends, and she guesses some part of her misses that. After a long moment she sighs and checks the time on her phone. “I can’t stay long.” She says quietly.

Liam almosts lifts off the ground, he’s so relieved. “Thank you so much.” He says, stepping aside so he can lead her towards the elevator.

“I don’t know what you expect me to be able to do, Liam, you know I’m useless when it comes to econ.” She’s been through enough today, she’s not gonna let herself get carried away.

“I can’t tell you how much this means to me. Really. Aspen, you’re - thanks.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Aspen mumbles as he presses the button and the doors close. They start moving down - wait, down? “Why are we headed to the parking garage?” She glances at him, reaching for the panel of buttons. “What floor do you work on aga-”

The attack is sudden, and it feels so brutal that years later it’s still one of her nightmares.

Liam grabs her arm before she can finish her sentence, sliding around her so it twists behind her back all in one move, pushing her front up against the wall of the elevator in one smooth move. She gasps, but before she can panic properly she remembers to fight back. Even as Liam’s weight crushes her lungs, she jerks back with her free elbow, hitting some soft part of Liam’s torso behind her. She feels his breath on her neck as she strikes out again, again.

There’s one thought running through her head; she’s not gonna die like this. She’s not.

Liam presses her arm further up her back, sending enough pain through her shoulder to make her whole body buckle. But he’s backed off a little, out of elbow range, so as soon as Aspen hears the door open she pushes off the wall with her whole body to get out of his grip.

She must surprise him, because it works. She pushes him off enough to shake out of his grip, runs for the grey concrete of the parking lot. Liam’s footsteps echo behind her, but she’s fast, she can-

Liam tackles her with his full weight. As Aspen hits the ground she skids, palms stinging. Shit. She tries to get her knees under herself, but Liam’s got her pinned and he flips her over to her back easy - he’s twice her fucking size! She tries to punch him, but he catches her wrist slams it to the grounds about her head. The other one follows.

Aspen’s gasping for air and trying to take stock. Liam is straddling her, he’s got her wrists pinned above her head and even now he moves so that he’s got both of them in one hand. He’s reaching into a pocket for something and she doesn’t want to know what. “Liam,” she says, “don’t, Liam, I- help!”

Liam swears, and she feels him ruck up one side of her cardigan, bunching it up past her elbow. Her blood goes cold. She screams again, but this time she can’t find any words for this.. She looks around as best she can, but the lot is empty of cars.

It’s just her. She’s alone.

A scraping sound catches her attention, and when she looks back at Liam he’s pulling the plastic cover off a syringe with his teeth. She struggles against his grip. What else can she do? “Fuck, Liam, don’t- what are you doing-”

“Please stay still, please, okay, I don’t want to hurt you.” He says.

Then he plunges the needle into her arm.

Aspen fucking wails, and yes, she knows its undignified, but she can feel whatever was in that syringe flow through her bicep and it’s a living horror. Liam throws the weapon away and rolls off her, but by the time she drags herself up on her elbows she can guess what he shot into her veins. Everything feels heavy - her head is too much for her neck, and she almost collapses before Liam gathers her into his arms.

She hates him.

He’s murmuring something - it takes effort to tune in, like the world is a radio. Something… he’s sorry? “Fuck you,” Aspen murmurs. She’s too tired for this. She just needs to- for a second- just-

She closes her eyes.

[theglowstickchronicles]

FMLS90 catchup post

1/5 - Do you deal with emotional eating or mindless eating?  How do you minimize these issues? 

As much as I joke about emotional eating, I actually tend to eat less when I'm super emotional (at least in a negative way). My anxiety makes me nauseous so if I'm super upset, I tend to not eat and go straight for warm drinks like tea or hot cocoa.

11/6 - Do you eat out much? How do you deal eat healthy while out? 

I don't eat out a super lot since I live alone and am not currently dating, maybe 1-2 a month if that? I do order in somewhat more frequently (3 times in October), but even then it's not super consistent. I've only ordered out once this month (today) and gone out to eat once (Friday night with family), and honestly will probably only do one or the other only once more this month (wedding dress shopping for my sister, we have lunch planned!)

11/7 -  Do you have any expierence with food journals? Tell us about your experiences and thoughts. 

I do, and they work for me but I quickly lose interest / momentum. I don't bring them to work to log lunch, and then I forget once I get home... my most useful and habitual "journal" is actually just using FitBit, but it sucks because they aren't the most accurate. I liked MFP online but not the app.

11/8 - Do you have any negative food habits you are trying to break or any healthy habits you are trying to build? Tell us about what works for you. 

My WORST habit is bringing a healthy lunch, deciding I don't want it, and getting something less healthy from the cafeteria. I'm trying to get better both to save calories and money!!

11/9 - Do you snack? Tell us about your approach to snacking and if it is working well for you. 

I do and honestly it can be my downfall sometimes! I enjoy healthy snacks and try not to even buy unhealthy ones because if I have chips in the house, I will ALWAYS go to them first- even though I like pretazls and hummus, veggies and dip, popcorn, cheesesticks, yogurt, etc.

11/10 - What is one healthy eating tip you would offer to the community?

The 80/20 rule, and/or cheat meal rule, works best for me: I tell myself I can have 3 cheat meals a week. They can be any meal, too. It forces me to look forward to treats, enjoy those particular meals more often, and is one more way to keep me disciplined and stop me from eating pasta all day e'rr day.

[ditloe]

9/365

January 9, 2023

Woke up at a good time today (9:30). Gotta shoot for 8am though so I can feel better about myself. Kona and I went out for a walk today and I went through a different neighborhood which was nice. It was very quiet, probably because it's a Monday and people were at work. I did about 6k steps during Kona's walk and finished up the rest later in the afternoon. I saw the same lady while walking Kona who made conversation with me the other day. She had a different dog with her (neighbor's dog). I really hate small talk especially when I'm just trying to have some quiet time and peacefully walk. San Lorenzo park was actually flooded today due to the rain last night. Kona and I couldn't really go around the park because some parts were flooded. Still had a very good walk though!

I think I have lost all hope in OW. I lost about 10+ comp games today... I think I really am only good with Sartaj or with another person playing with me. With randoms it is very hard to communicate (too shy to really talk in chat). I should also practice other support characters because a lot of people can kill Mercy really easily. Chris, Mikel and I played a couple Valorant games which were fun. I was doing pretty well which boosted my morale a bit. I'll be on break from OW for a bit (especially if no one can play). I'll probably be de-ranking to Gold 1 or something because of all my losses.

My kitchen flooded today... no wonder I was smelling weird things such as sewage. The garbage disposal was also acting funky so maybe that was a warning sign. I thought I fudged up somehow when washing dishes but my parents figured out it was because the previous owners didn't properly seal off a hole. All the sewage came from that hole. Also, our kitchen sink is actually clogged so tomorrow my dad will unclog it. Really hoping the smell goes away soon... it's making me nauseous. Glad we were also able to clean the kitchen fairly quickly. There was a LOT of water. During these times, it's nice having my dad around because he's a handyman and basically fixes anything. Still doesn't make up for his attitude sometimes lol.

I am very excited to finally see Chris tomorrow after being isolated for so long! We're gonna eat really good food and just enjoy eachother's presence. I have to wear a mask still around him but I'm okay with that.

Mandy and I started talking again today. It started with an IG message from me and then we started talking about our friendship. I even told her that I was to blame because of our fallout. She went into more detail about how her and Christian are doing. I'm happg for them and truly just want to forget the past. Not really forget it but just forgive. I'm too young to be holding grudges or letting things get the best of me. I'm glad we're talking again because she really is my childhood bestfriend and has known me the longest. I'd hate to see our friendship go to waste. Hopefully we'll be able to rekindle our bond and hang out more! I want to be a good friend and maybe even a better one to all of my friends this year. I want to set some time to hang with them and really bond with them.

I also have to keep in mind my budget and how I can still spend quality time with friends without spending so damn much lol. I need a better job maybe... that'll solve all my problems. But more work sounds ew and I already can't stand driving so far to work only 2 days...

Steps: 10k

[studysnooze]

test taking anxiety: my thoughts

what is test anxiety?

according to my good friend, wikipedia, test anxiety is defined as “a combination of physiological over-arousal, tension and somatic symptoms, along with worry, dread, fear of failure, and catastrophizing, that occur before or during test situations”

if you’re not sure what that definition means in ways you understand, test anxiety can be seen in examples like these:

1. suddenly feeling nauseous right before or during the assessment

2. breaking out in cold (or warm whatever) sweats before or during the assessment 

3. suddenly forgetting everything or an alarming amount of information needed for the assessment during the assessment at any point in time bonus: followed by either bullets 1, 2 or a wonderful combination of both 

4. in general, just having a constant vibe of “i’m going to fail what am i doing here im just going to fill out random answers so i dont have to do this anymore” 

5. probably the worst of them all: having an annoying little voice that makes you second guess yourself or make you believe negative things about yourself completely unrelated (or related) to the assessment forcing you to become distracted for 10 minutes fighting with yourself and all of a sudden you have 20 minutes left to finish 3 pages of test oh no oh no *cues bullets 1, 2, and 3*

so as you can see, just by listing a few of the most common things i experience during tests, this is nothing short of “living hell” territory 😂 and the worst part is a lot of people go through the same things every day in silence

one misunderstanding i’ve heard about test anxiety is that it comes from being underprepared for a test. i think that claim is almost completely false. if you didn’t study for a test, sure you would be nervous because now you have to kind of bs your way to passing but it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as going in prepared and then being so nervous about failing that you find yourself actually forgetting things and then failing. i cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me over the course of my academic career and it’s actually the worst, especially knowing that you understand the material. the fear of failure specifically isn’t always stemmed from being underprepared. common anxiety like the fear of failure digs so much deeper than that and it’s different for everyone: maybe its disappointing your parents, fearing that you might fail enough times to retake the class, maybe that you aren’t smart enough and won’t be able to pass anything, whatever it is, it varies so much and i really don’t appreciate test anxiety being reduced to one scenario like that

how i deal/manage 

test taking is a skill that needs to be mastered so just remember good test taking skills will need a lot of practice and the more you practice, the more it helps with lessening that anxiety (yay confidence😂) 

1. if i ever find myself feeling nauseous, breaking out in sweats, feeling hot, etc. during a test i like to close my eyes and take deep breaths before going back to it. if i still feel bad, i’ll go outside and walk to a water fountain, take a sip of water and go back inside

2. a great advisor/teacher at my school told me to “find something you know.” you’re never going to be in a situation where you know absolutely nothing on a test (unless you literally skipped the entire unit) so find something you know how to answer. being sure or mostly sure about a correct answer can boost that confidence and maybe things you forgot out of nervousness can come back to you later in the test 

3. kind of relating to the previous bullet point, skip questions you are unsure about or don't know to answer. this is a pretty common tip but extremely useful. a lot of the times out of nervousness i’ll read a question too quickly and miss information that helps me answer the question. looking for something i know and coming back to question with a better mindset helps me solve the problem almost every time

4. positive affirmation! give yourself some compliments, eat some food (i know what makes me feel good), laugh with friends, tell yourself it’s going to be okay constantly before the test. it’s not going to cure everything (or maybe it will, if so yay!🎉) but it will definitely contribute to destressing and better performance 

5. for those horrible voices in your head during the test, the same teacher who gave me #2′s advise told me to argue back with myself 😂 this sounds silly but talking to yourself is good! i am such a “talking to yourself” enthusiast omg it doesn’t mean you’re crazy, you are just in tune with yourself in a different way and sometimes you just need to hear yourself say things. if you ever encounter a negative thought, literally just be like “Nonso (your name) stop it, that’s not nice” or like “no” to yourself ya know? but if its quiet, don’t say it out loud, then you look crazy😂 just mutter it to yourself or say it in your head and believe what you’re telling yourself. then, go back to acing that test ;)

you got this!

[sincerelycreek]

head in the clouds but my gravity’s centered // part 2

Summary: Stan is an alcoholic, and it’s just as hard on Kyle as it is on Stan. He just wants to help. Warnings: please be cautious!! there is VERY heavy mention of drinking, alcoholism, and mentions of a parent’s death. if any of that triggers you, i have much softer one-shots you can read. this is heavy angst with a happy ending. A/N: i just wanted to say i’ve never dealt with alcoholism (however, i’ve had people close to me with different addictions) and i did a lot of research online to write this. just so you know, alcoholism is different for everyone so how i am portraying stan’s can be different to anyone else’s. if you or someone you know struggles with alcoholism, i strongly urge you to accept the road to recovery and get the help you deserve. call a hotline, see a professional, go to rehab, whatever measures is necessary for you or your loved ones. recovery is possible.

PART 1

Sometime next week, Stan was dragging himself to the front door of him and Kyle’s apartment. His bag was heavy on his shoulder after a long day of class, and it took all of his strength to push open the door. In the middle of class, his hands started trembling so bad that he couldn’t jot down notes. Then Stan grew nauseous; yet somehow all the energy was drained from him. He knew Kyle would be disappointed if he left early, so he sucked it up, figuring he could reward himself with a drink when he got home.

But when Stan opened the door, he froze in shock. On the couch was both Kyle and Kenny, in Kenny’s lap was Butters and on the bean bag chair was Craig, eyes on his phone. He loved Kenny like a brother and Butters was an amazing person; but why the fuck was Craig here? He didn’t like Craig. Kyle didn’t even like Craig. The feeling was most likely mutual. He wouldn’t have invited him without a reason. They all looked as if they had been waiting for Stan to arrive, all on edge, except for Craig who still looked like he didn’t give a shit.

“What the hell is this?”

“Stan, we have to talk,” Kyle stated. He cleared his throat, trying to solid. Stan’s never seen him so serious. “About your drinking.”

Stan remembered before leaving a few days ago, the last time that Kyle asked him not to drink where he had grown defensive and chose to drink anyways. He had gotten so scared that something like this would happen, and his legs were already shaking with nerves. Stan tried to remain calm, and act natural, despite this. “My drinking?” He repeated, acting clueless. “What about it?”

“We’re worried about you,” Kenny cut in. His hand on Butters hip tightened as he spoke, like he was resisting the urge to go into further detail. He knew he had to talk about this calmly and rationally. “Stan, you’re drinking a lot. We need to consider the possibility that.. You’re, uh..” He trailed off, hoping Stan would catch on.

And Stan did catch on. The words Kenny didn’t say were like a punch to the gut. He suddenly felt way over sensitive, and was suddenly the scaredest that he’s ever been. “I - I’m not an alcoholic!” He exclaimed, the word alcoholic feeling vile. “I can handle it!”

“Dude,” Craig finally spoke, his tone dull and nasally as usual. “Even Kenny’s parents didn’t drink that much. Even your - “ He was cut off when Kyle cleared his throat and kicked Craig in the shoulder, making him yelp and turn around. “What?!” He exclaimed, offended. “He didn’t!”

Even your dad didn’t drink as much.

That’s what Craig was going to say, and Stan knew it. If Stan thought the words from earlier hurt, this was nothing compared to hearing those. His lungs suddenly felt like they collapsed, and his skin was being picked with icicles as a shiver ran up his spine. He dropped his bag to the ground and clenched his fists at his sides, suddenly furious and barricading himself from the truth.

“How dare you!” Stan suddenly shouted, trembling violently. “Don’t bring my father into this - this stupid intervention! I don’t drink like he did! You don’t know what it was like!” And Craig didn’t. Only Kenny understood what Stan’s childhood was like - watching your parent drinking until they forgot their own name, and then cleaning their puke up the next morning, unsure if one day their hourglass of life would be cut short from each bottle they downed. Stan watched Randy every day, demand his mother to use her money to bring him more alcohol, and then drink his life away.

“Stan,” Kyle spoke softly, trying to remain calm and not shout back. He was growing frustrated, harsh words itching at the tip of his tongue, but holding them back. He had looked so hurt, it broke Stan’s heart. “You drink when you’re sad. You drink when you’re stressed. You drink when you’re angry. And if you don’t..” He paused, motioning his hands to Stan. “Your hands start shaking, you get nauseous, and it’s not good. We just want to help.”

“N-No, no,” Stan stammered. He brought his shaking hands up and knotted his raven hair with his fists, trying to wrap his head around the situation. This wasn’t how Kyle wanted this to go, at all, but Stan had a problem. He needed to face it, even if it was hard. All Stan could be thinking off is Randy, who carelessly drank his life away and laughed off any type of help that was given from anyone. The truth was right there, but he couldn’t see it still. He didn’t want to.

Stan’s eyes met Kyles own, and he suddenly had an angry glint. “How could you believe that I would be anything like my father?!” He suddenly shouted, very demanding, and not realizing that it was Craig who said it.

“Please, dude!” Kyle pleaded. He stood up from his place on the couch, standing his ground. “I’m scared for you. I’ll help you, we’ll all help and support you! “ He offered, even motioning to Craig when speaking. “You just have to admit that you have a problem!” Kyle couldn’t help his voice growing, he was just irritated at this point. He finally grew the courage himself to talk to Stan about his problem, and it was all being thrown back in his face.

Flashbacks of everything that Stan went through came all at once. He remembered his mother saying something similiar to his father, the first time she tried to help. “Stop acting like my mother!” He shouted again, dropping his hands, his hair wild, the look he was giving Kyle even wilder. “I - I can’t. I need a drink. Now.”

Pursing his lips, Kyle had enough. He broke too. He couldn’t help but snap back, the words leaving his mouth before he had time to process them. “Like father like son, right?”

Tears welled in Stan’s eyes, and Kyle felt his heart sink when realizing what was said but it was too late to take it back. “Jesus,” he whispered under his breath, his voice cracking, so hurt and feeling sicker than he ever had in his life. “I have to go. Now.” He turned his back, looking away from their eyes. Butters, who hadn’t spoken once and instead kept rubbing his hands together in fear as he hated conflict. Kenny, who grew quiet but still looked worried. Craig, who still looked like he didn’t give a shit but still felt somewhat guilty for what he said. And Kyle, who Stan loved more than anything, and was slowly giving up on him. He couldn’t face it. He needed to drink until he forgets his own name.

Just like his father.

When Stan’s hand reached the doorknob that oddly felt colder, he heard Kyle speak. His voice was unlike any way that he’s ever spoken before, so full of emotion but clearly serious by the firmness.

“If you leave, don’t expect me to be here when you come back.”

The sound of Kenny gasping Kyle’s in surprise name rang in Stan’s ears as he finally had enough. The ache to drown away the thought of Kyle leaving was too great for him to stay, he had to get out of there and fast. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he stepped out, accepting his fate, and slammed the door behind him before storming away. There was only one thing that could help now.

It was a heavy silence full of tension between the four that were left. “Dude,” Craig finally spoke, breaking it. “I’m not even that cold.”

“Shut up, Craig!” Kyle exclaimed, irritated. He could hardly believe Stan left, and if anyone pushed him any farther, especially Craig, he was going to end up strangling them. “What do you know anyways! God, why did I invite you!”

If Kyle wasn’t so angry, he’d have remembered that he invited Craig because he understood being in love with an addict. Craig had been in love with an addicted Tweek, who grew addicted to coffee that his parents laced with meth. Kenny knew Craig held his hand through rehab, and suggested calling him for the intervention. Kyle was regretting it now.

“Kyle,” Kenny spoke before Craig could say something bold. He gently pushed Butters off his lap and stood up. “Stan is an addict, and he needs your help and support. How could you say something like that, dude?” He scolded.

“How hard was it for you to forgive your parents?” Kyle asked, sucking in a deep breath to calm down, his chest heaving. “After you spent years mopping up their puke, all the fighting, tossing empty beer bottles away, losing money because of it, losing your patience too?!” He exclaimed. “How did you forgive them, Kenny?!”

“Because I love them,” Kenny answered simply and honestly. “Just like Stan loved his dad, Craig loves Tweek, and you love Stan. You don’t abandon the person you love because they get difficult, you give them help. You hold their hand while they fix themselves.”

Kenny was right, as always. “God,” Kyle whispered, rubbing his temples. His curly hair fell in his face as he looked down. “I’m so stupid.” He felt awful. The guilt of the harsh words he said had began eating at him, and now he was terrified. “What if something happens to Stan, because I made him leave?!” He asked desperately, green eyes wide with fear.

Kenny held his hand out, trying to keep Kyle calm. “Stan loves you as much as you do him,” he assured the other. “If he does get drunk, I know he’ll come stumbling back to you. We’ll wait until then.”

“We will?” Craig asked bluntly. “Does ‘we’ include me?”

“We includes anyone who cares,” Kenny said, looking over his shoulder to Craig. “You wouldn’t have came if you didn’t care a little bit.”

Although Kenny had a great point, Craig still had remained stubborn by grumbling under his breath words they couldn’t make out and crossing his arms over his chest. Butters cleared his throat, deciding to speak for the first time since the intervention started. “Uh - what do we do now, Fellas?”

They chose to wait. Kenny tried to pass the time by cracking unneeded jokes with toothy grins, while Kyle sat cross legged on the floor, staring at the door. He tried to convince himself that any second Stan would be back, drunk, and crying for his boyfriend.

After a few hours, Kyle couldn’t take anymore. He stood up and grabbed his jacket. “I’m going to look for him,” he announced, zipping it and grabbing a flashlight as it was growing dark out.

“You can’t go alone in the dark,” Craig argued. “And especially to a bar.”

“Thanks for the concern, dude, but I can beat any drunkards ass,” Kyle snapped. He grabbed a flashlight and flicked it on to make sure it worked.

“We’ll come too,” Kenny added. He slung his own jacket over his shoulder, Butters doing so too and humming in agreement. It took a second, but eventually Craig huffed out a sigh and stood up as well. “Thatta boy. I knew you cared.”

“Shut up,” Craig retorted, snappy, as he put on his own jacket.

When the small group walked outside, Kyle felt a shiver pass through him when the cold settled in. He grasped the cold metal of the flashlight tightly and held it up, checking both sides of the sidewalk but not seeing anyone. “We should go to the nearest bars,” he suggested, thinking out loud. “He could be there somewhere.”

“Let’s head to the closest bar,” Kenny suggested. Kyle knew it, Stan went to it so often that Kyle caught on to the name. It was a ten minute walk, but they took a left and were walking quickly, so they could get there faster.

Both Craig and Kyle took the lead while Butters and Kenny stayed behind, and Craig grew annoyed with how fast Kyle was walking. He glanced at the other, who was flicking the flashlight both ways as they made their way to the closest bar. “I don’t really care about Stan that much, actually,” he said, way too casually. “Maybe not at all, really. But Tweek made me come when you called,” he explained. “Because I went through what you’re going through now, and he thinks I can help.”

“You’re a real peach then, Tucker,” Kyle mumbled. Even though he was upset, and Craig was really getting on his nerves, there may have been a part of him that appreciated Craig for coming along to help.

It was quiet for the rest of the walk. Kyle felt stick to his stomach, it twisted like a churning pit, and the anxiety only grew when they approached the bar. They didn’t see Stan anywhere on their short walk. “I’ll go inside,” Kenny offered.

While they waited, Butters gently set his hand on Kyle’s shoulder as a sign of comfort. Kyle felt worse, and began blinking away tears when Kenny came back out by himself with a frown. “The bartender said he left to the direction of the corner store when she cut him off,” he explained.

“Jesus, are you kidding me?!” Kyle exclaimed, his temper growing hot as he wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “He left, so drunk they had to cut him off, and didn’t help him? Call for a taxi or something?!” He shouted in frustration. If Kyle’s main focus at the moment wasn’t finding Stan, he would have stormed in the bar and dealt with them himself.

“We can just go in the direction they said,” Kenny spoke, raising his hands in defense as to tell Kyle that he needed to calm down. “He has to be somewhere down there.”

They did go in that direction, quiet, for the sake of Kyle who was seconds away from bursting into frustrated and angry tears. He was blaming himself for all this, and they knew it. Kenny had pushed Craig aside and took his place beside Kyle in the lead of the group, before nudging his shoulder. “I’m sorry this is happening,” he said, softly, and it reminded Kyle of when they were kids. Stan was the leader of their little group, but Kenny was the optimist, the one who always looked on the bright side and believed in his best friends, his boys, since elementary school.

“Uh, guys?”

Craig’s voice lingered behind them. Kenny and Kyle turned around to see that Craig and Butters stopped, and were looking into a dark alley. Kyle was the first one to stomp forward, shoving Craig aside and holding the flashlight up. His eyes widened and his heart plummeted into a dark hole in his chest.

On the ground, was Stan. It was hard to make out, but it was him. He was on his side, vomit pouring from the side of his mouth. He was having a hard time breathing, if the blue in his face said anything. Kyle dropped the flashlight, not caring if it broke when it hit the ground. He lunged forward, ready to grab Stan and hold him as tight as he could, but Craig was quicker. He quickly grabbed him from behind as Kenny rushed to him, turning Stan on his back.

“Let me go, you asshole!” Kyle shouted, his voice echoing off the allie’s wall. Craig only responded by holding on tighter when Kyle began thrashing in his grip, shouting Stan’s name. He wasn’t going to let Kyle any closer, in fear something might happen to Stan, and didn’t want him to witness something as horrible as it.

Kenny pressed his fingers to the side of Stan’s neck, checking for a pulse. Butters had already pulled out a phone and was dialing, to what they all assumed was for an ambulance. Kyle watched in horror as Kenny pressed his hands on top of each other before pressing the palm against Stan’s chest and pushing down again and again.

“Oh my god, he’s not breathing,” Kyle sobbed out. He grew limp in Craig’s hold, his legs suddenly feeling like jelly and wobbly before they gave out and his knees scraped against the ground. “P-Please let me go, I have to help him, Jesus..” He cried, begging, but stopped trying to fight his way out of Craig’s grip. His head bowed and he sobbed brokenly with Craig’s arms loosely around him as Kenny gave him CPR.

Suddenly, Stan began coughing and Kenny pulled away. Kyle’s head snapped up when he heard the sound, and Craig finally released him. The second the pressure around him was lifted, he was up and by Stan, kneeling down and putting his head into his lap, his tears slipping down his cheeks and hitting the other’s face.

“I-Is he going to be okay?” Kyle asked, the question come out as a whimper as he ran his hand through Stan’s raven hair. The weight of guilt rested heavily on his shoulders. He hated himself in this moment, Stan was barely breathing.

“He’s breathing, but it’s shallow,” Kenny noted. He was stopped by the sound of sirens and flashes in the distance.

Kyle didn’t stop crying for a second, not even when the EMT’s wheeled him into the back of an ambulance. He didn’t stop in the way to the hospital, even when Butters and Kenny both embraced him. All Kyle could tell himself was that it was all his fault.

PART 3

[pagegoat]

I was tagged by @hummingbirdcas (yay does this mean we can be friends)

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people (lol I don’t know 20 people on here to even tag so it’ll probably be like 1)

1. Last drink: Diet Coke

2. Last phone call: my friend Sumner

3. Last text message: a video of a really cute dog to my mom and uncle

4. Last song you listened to: the final song from pitch perfect 1 (I’m working on learning the dance to it)

5. Last time you cried: surprisingly I don’t remember, it’s been a little while

6. Dated someone twice: nope no thank you

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: well not like right after but now I just generally regret having dated 2 of my exes so I guess yeah

8. Been cheated on: nope

9. Lost someone special: by death, no; by end of a friendship, yeah

10. Been depressed: I mean not like medically so no I guess? Not sure exactly what this is asking

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: twice. It’s not pleasant. The mere thought of redds apple ale makes me nauseous now

Fav colors

12. Emerald green

13. Dark teal

14. Dark purple

(basically I just love jewel tones ‘kay)

In the last year have you...

15. Made new friends?: yes, tons, because I came to college

16. Fallen out of love?: nope

17. Laughed until you cried?: this basically happens every time I laugh so yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you?: nope

19. Met someone who changed you?: I mean I became a partier when I came to school and met my friends here and I didn’t think I would so I guess kinda

20. Found out who your friends are?: yep definitely

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list?: nope

General

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life?: all of them

23. Do you have any pets?: a dog named Bob Wiley

24. Do you want to change your name?: nah

25. What did you do for your last birthday?: went to the beach with most of my best friends, saw dolphins, ate cake, it was by far the best birthday I’ve ever had

26. What time did you wake up today?: 7 am

27. What were you doing at midnight last night?: getting back to my dorm from my weekly trivia night

28. What’s something you can’t wait for?: being in a stable job that I enjoy

29. What are you listening to right now?: nothing but I’m watching the office

30. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: yes

31. Something that’s getting on your nerves?: when my roommate watches Netflix out loud while I’m trying to do homework (it doesn’t happen often but when it does it drives me nuts)

32. Most visited website: tumblr or Twitter

33. Hair color: dark brown

34. Hair length: it’s pretty long rn

35. Do you have a crush on someone: yes

36. What do you like about yourself: uhhhh I like my acting talents, I like my hair usually, I like my makeup skills, I like my baking and cookie decorating abilities

37. Want any piercing: well I passed out just getting my ears pierced so it’s a no from me

38. Blood type: O-

39. Nicknames: well maggie is a nickname for Margaret, mags, magg-o, tiny mags, pagegoat, marijuana maggie (that’s just from 2 of my friends and it’s a long story)

40. Relationship status: it’s complicated

41. Zodiac: Gemini (I know everyone hates us)

42. Pronouns: she/her

43. Fav tv shows: supernatural, Sherlock, the office, friends, psych, monk, Smallville, lost, probably something else I’m forgetting

44. Tattoos: none yet but I’m getting one sometime soon hopefully

45. Right or left handed: right

46. Ever had surgery: I had a cyst removed from my neck when I was 8, and I had scoliosis corrective surgery when I was 16 so I have a pretty rad scar all the way down my spine

47. Piercings: just regular old earlobes

48. Sport: uh....... choreography for musicals??

49. Vacation: basically anywhere in Italy, NYC, Germany, Austria

50. Trainers: no clue what that means

More general

51. Eating: just had some chick fil a and a donut

52. Drinking: still my Diet Coke

53. I’m about to watch: well I’m currently watching the office so

54. Waiting for: this is very vague but I’m gonna go with Thursday for the next supernatural episode

55. Want: for every store and restaurant and website to accept PayPal to make my life easier

56. Get married: I mean not anytime soon but someday

57. Career: work in NYC for either a publishing company or a magazine in editing

Which is better (I’m assuming these are in relation to a potential SO)

58. Hugs or kisses: depends on the person I guess?

59. Lips or eyes: eyes

60. Shorter or taller: enough taller that I can wear heels

61. Older or younger: within a year younger or 2 years older

62. Nice arms or stomach: both please?

63. Hookup or relationship: def relationship

64. Troublemaker or hesitant: little of both depending on situation

Have you ever

65. Kissed a stranger: nope

66. Drank hard liquor: yep

67. Lost glasses: maybe when I was little but not recently

68. Turned someone down: yep

69. Sex on first date: nope

70. Broken someone’s heart: yep

71. Had your heart broken: yep

72. Been arrested: nope

73. Cried when someone died: not that I recall

74. Fallen for a friend: yep, several times

Do you believe in

75. Yourself: yes? Most of the time?

76. Miracles: depends on definition of that but tentatively yes

77. Love at first sight: nope

78. Santa clause: sadly no

79. Kiss on first date: I didn’t realize that was a belief but yeah

80. Angels: yes

Other

81. Best friend’s name: tim

82. Eye color: technically hazel but they’re really green with just a little ring of brown around my pupil

83. Fav movie: uhhh all the back to the futures, o brother whereart thou, beauty and the beast new and old, Chicago, Groundhog Day, what about bob?, HP and the half blood prince

84. Fav actor: misha collins, cole sprouse, Alan rickman, Martin freeman (and not just cuz of Sherlock I swear), bill Murray, Christopher Lloyd, Tim curry, I know there are others I’m forgetting

hey @southerntinkerbelle if you wanna do this knock yourself out it literally took me like a week to actually get all of this typed out cuz I kept not having time to finish it