#02.19.2019

[itwasjustmisplaced]

A: Chad DiMera, you're my hero. You are my soul mate. You're my best friend. And you're my true love. I am so honored to spend the rest of my life with you as my husband and me as your wife. C: Now, I could never say it as well as your father did. But I will spend my life honoring that and honoring you and loving you with everything I have in me.

A: You are the love of my life, Chad. There's nothing that I want more than to spend the rest of my days with you. C: I'm yours, and I'll never doubt you again because a love like ours really does only come once in a lifetime.

[a-bon-a-day]

〖Day 50〗of 365 ✰

[todaysromano]

02.19.2019

Today, Romano painted a picture and gave it as a gift to his neighbor.

[dirty--diary]

02.19.2019 || sleepy and sheet marked

* pls reblog with caption/credit, thx *

[fuckyeahdawn]

02.19.2019 hyojong_1994 Instagram Update 02.19.2019 hyunah_aa Instagram Update

[joeydaccord]

[ HOCKEY 2018-2019 ] - toronto maple leafs

↳ 02.19.2019 |  auston matthews

[musically-dreaming]

Diary from my weight loss

I just found my old diary entries. I wrote them to myself few months back, just when everything was getting worse.

02.19.2019

.

So therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. You should do it. Especially when depression is the only thing ruining your happiness. But when you exist just because you are not dead, that is a tricky situation. Why bother? And more importantly, why try to keep a person alive when they will just keep being miserable? I mean "thank u, stranger for smiling at me, I didn't kill myself thanks to you" and then what? I was cured, my reality became amazing all of the sudden?

I am not ok.

Should we keep one alive for the system or just because we like to feel better about ourself for being a "good" person?

I keep wondering, when it's gonna be the one that actually drives me to doing it. It's fucking scary, so scary, and that is why I've never done anything. But when things are decent for a while and then it hits you, it is truly unbearable. It's so easy to forget how dead you can feel, when you have a moment of relief. And then it all comes back. The tiredness, the sonder, all the thoughts. For example, I've spent the majority of today thinking of how fat, disgusting and overall ugly I am. The month of being great now feels like a complete lie. Maybe it was all in my head, nothing had changed and I was just (for the first time) believing my own lie? Staying in the topic, I've tried soo many hairstyles. I've had so many colors on my head. I've come to realisation today - no hairstyle is gonna do it for me. I am just ugly. And I am just not good enough to have something even remotely close to happiness. 22, I'm counting days.

Just because. Or maybe not. Why? I've been on a diet. No, not diet. That's a bad way of calling it. Basically I started eating well and exercising quite a lot. I'm almost a month and a half in and it's been challenging but also nice and made me feel good, like I wanna continue doing that.

Literally, my depression, or whatever you wanna call it is almost gone, mentally I feel much, much better, I feel like I'm leaner, cause my clothes are loose and they fit better. I've had 2 binges. Not much above my tedee, so that is also a success. I didn't want to weight myself at first, because I know how discouraging it can make me feel. So I was like "ok, slow, steady. Count days, not weight"

But since I started, originally, probably like 7 yrs ago, I've always wanted to weight 50 kgs. That was my ideal goal, I never got to reach. The mistical land on the scale when everyone is nice to you and the world is unicorns and rainbows as you conquer it like a true badass. But this time I thought to myself, that I should aim for health. Specially, the mental one, cause it's been tough for the past years. I was right. Just the action of caring about myself, in form of eating well, taking time to exercise, it really cleared my head. To be honest, I don't remember the last time I've felt this good just overall. But the time has come. In my head I did all the math I needed, when I weighted x my clothes fit me that, and now I dare to say they fit me better than they did, so that must mean weight loss = progress, right?

I got anxious, but mostly enthusiastic, I couldn't sleep the night before, I was ready to finally step on the scale. Wasn't gonna do that often, but I just got confident. I woke up, uneasy how to feel about it. If I could I would've taken a laxative to be as light as possible. I didn't, that's unhealthy (and I need to remind myself of being healthy). I stepped on a scale. And it showed the heaviest weight I've ever seen on myself. "But my clothes are loose,. I could swear, I look better", "was it all a lie and my eyes were just deceiving me this whole time?"

So it got to me. Wasn't prepared for a change in that direction. Got discouraged, my eyes watered. I'm proper fat, the month of hard work was for nothing. You know, the weather is all grey, I'm fat, just, let's say it was not the most positive morning.

I cried a little, I would've been less surprised seeing that number at the start. And yet I was very dedicated and I'm there now.

So it got me thinking. I measure my worth by  my weight. How much that number controls me. I was feeling great and now I started  thinking that I had no right to, because I'm not a certain number on a scale. I've had a lot of success in my music career, whatever you wanna call it. In middle school and high school. I think the peak was in middle school and also at that time I got to my lightest weight. And yet, in my head I was still inferior to the rest of the world because I wasn't at my ideal weight. Literally everytime was on stage I just kept thinking, how ugly I must look, cause I am fat. That thought evently led to me leaving that passion. I was so insecure that I started to hate performing. I still hope one day I could go out and make a proper career out of it, but it's just a little spark. It's faded because of my weight. And I can't tell you how many times after I'd had a nice time with friends I would overanalyze every moment to determine whether or not people actually liked me and had fun with me. I would spend hours because a) I'm too fat to be happy and me being fat makes me boring to  others and b) others probably find me pathetic cause I'm fat so I'm funny. Not in a good way.

This is fucking heartbreaking. I've been controlled for the majority of my life by a number on a scale. And even if I was happy for a while, after I've stepped on a scale I just felt like I should wipe it all off, cause it was just mind playing tricks on me. I don't weight 50 kgs, so I don't deserve to be happy. I don't weight 50 kgs so there's something wrong with me. My life should not be measured by the number I see on a scale. And yet, I'm ready to drop the healthy habits just to confide to my best friend and also worst enemy - food. The last time I binged, it wasn't even bad food necessarily, I felt so depressed it was just scary. I can't go back to that. Gotta hold on. Somewhere along the way the weight has to drop if I keep on doing what's right.

[studyphd]

02.19.2019

my game theory instructor rescheduled thursday morning class for last night instead, so these class notes are from ~8pm

[studiesinsterling]

02.19.2019 | 064 of 100 Goal: read about the ignorant schoolmaster before class today. Even with an extra day off, I’m still a little behind. I just don’t feel very motivated recently. I’m getting myself in a creative mood by watching some @amandarachlee videos while I study. Also sorry this picture is so yellow! My desk lamp doesn’t agree with crisp, white pictures 😅 - - posted on Instagram - http://bit.ly/2NlOLQZ

[urfaut]

Barcelona 02.19.2019 20.49.28 Samsung Galaxy Note9 back camera 4,30mm f/1.5-f/2.4  8,60mm f/2.4

[toosoonforyoutosay]

02.19.2019

tuesday

all i did today was pretty much work on my notes for chem. in the morning, i cleaned the kitchen while my mom went to the grocery store. and in the evening i continued working on my notes. i have an exam next week and I need all the studying i can get!

[etseven7]

>  02.19.2019 > Low Tide @ Sunset Cliffs, Ocean Beach, S.D.

[magicshoppurple]

i wonder how big my heart could be

to hold such ocean of hatred

|02.19.2019

[t0pazfaeri3]

02.19.2019 ● ● ● #bassist #singer #electricbass #music #2019 #musician #gains #femme #vocalist #4strings #baixo #newmusic #baixista #topazfaerie #losangeles #artist #creative #すき #comingsoon #ibanez #bajista #artistas #música #losangeles (at Coming Soon) https://www.instagram.com/p/Brww5Y5BuxX/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=cdh8wjd2xhin

[mylifeinpictures22]

02.19.2019

[taquaone]

Jacopo's part, Stevie Perez's part, Clay Kreiner pro for Madness and more in today's episode of Skateline.