#.solo: follow you

[ufasher]

PART 2: if the world would only knew what you've been holding back

“i think it’ll be hard to… be so close to home and not really be able to see my mom and baby brother. but i’ll go,” he tries to imagine what it would be like going home to eryvine. it’s more dangerous for sure. his grandfather wants him dead, that’s for certain, and walking right into his trap... well, asher really should be more concerned about his own wellbeing. but somehow he trusts he’ll be alright by finn’s side. is that crazy? maybe.

“okay,” finn says, some of his tension bleeding away. asher begins to realize that maybe finn doesn’t want to be alone just as much as asher “i'm not sure that i want to go back yet, but...the monsters from the lotus festival are attacking all across the continent. i don't think my soul will know peace if i fight for podakko knowing i owe my life to people across the continent. i don't want to go back. i don't want to face...everything i failed to do. but i don't want more people to die if i can protect them well this time. i don't know if i can, but...i feel like i have to try. it was once my duty and i don't know if anyone else will fight for them.”

he has a knack for giving speeches. asher can’t help but notice... maybe it’s because finn is usually so quiet, so reserved. he keeps his thoughts to himself, except for the mean ones. but the man who speaks now is the one that asher can easily pledge himself to, one with such a profound sense of duty to his people, a desire to do good, it eats him alive if he does not. it’s something to be admired, to aspire to, and, for the enemy, to fear. 

a little thought forms in asher’s mind. he doesn’t put a name to it yet, he doesn’t delve too deep. but it’s a thought, and a very interesting one at that.

“can i be honest?”asher asks even though he would have continued even if finn said no, “i think going back is what you need to do. you need a purpose. and you still love those people… and i think more people will be happy to see you fighting for them again than you think. when i ran away, i talked to a lot of different people for the first time. i think you have the power to give people hope for something… better.”

he sees the skepticism on the other’s face before he even speaks. “i don't know how i could give them hope, especially after everything i've done, but...part of me does feel like i owe it to them to fight for them this time, since i abandoned them as soon as the war ended. i guess in some ways i want to redeem myself even though i'm not sure i can.”

asher’s spoken to many people while running from eryvine, from etlia, across gleerium. from friends of his homeland to enemies who would rather see the whole lands burned and properly subjugated than whatever small mercies they’ve been granted. he’s heard stories of the disappeared son of the late margrave. the grand duke is sitting in prison somewhere, so many of the nobles stripped of their lands and titles. but the lucinier son... he’s the thing of legends. so many claim to know what he’s up to these days, from plotting rebellion, to rotting in the earth. but it’s neither, he’s sitting here in front of asher, lamenting the past, what used to be, and what is no longer. but if he was plotting rebellion... asher keeps thinking. he wonders what’s possible.

“people don’t know that you think you’ve abandoned them. you’re still a hero in so many stories. the more you tell yourself you’re a disappointment and make choices to do disappointing things, the more you’re going to believe it. but you can… you can decide to make choices that their hero in the stories would make. going home to protect them… that’s a good first step.”

he watches finn’s reaction carefully. he wonders if there’s any spark left there, any desire at all to fight again. he doesn’t see it, at least not yet. he just sees confusion, maybe a little fear. finn is looking past asher, out into the water. asher wonders if finn finds the same comfort in the etlian coast as he does. “it's still a lot of pressure.”

“yeah, it is,” finn’s not ready for it, asher decides. but that doesn’t mean he’ll never be. if he could become a face, a symbol... if he could bring hope to the survivors of the war... maybe they’d have another shot. etlia will never die as long as her people still believe in their own sovereignty. “you know, our stories become so much bigger than the ones we think we live.”

finn looks sad. he’s quiet again, too. asher wonders if he’s pushed too hard, if he’s misjudged the man that finn is, or could be. “i used to want that, i think. when i was younger, i thought i would be some valiant hero, beloved by my people...that i could somehow win the war for etlia and drive gleerium out for good. i was stupid, but i guess most kids are. i don't think i want that anymore. i just...want to live. i don't want to be who i am. i want to be someone else. but i guess....i can only run from who i am for so long, and i've just...lied to myself this entire past year. but i still don't know how to face it.”

“you can be whoever you want, finn,” he eases up the pressure, just smiling at him now. it’s easy to; even though asher is dreaming up a rebellion in his mind, he finds himself wanting to root for finnian anyway. he wants to see him in his prime, a confident young knight, a conqueror riding a white horse into battle to save his homeland. perhaps asher’s read too many stories, too many heroes’ journeys where the defeated protagonist picks themselves up by their bootstraps and ultimately triumphs over evil. maybe he’s hoping his stories come to life, but is it so wrong to?  “that’s the best thing about this story… it’s not over yet.”

but finn doesn’t smile. he frowns all the more, seemingly entirely uninspired by asher’s encouraging words. “i don't know. i will always be a lucinier. maybe eventually, people will forget my face. maybe by the time i die i'll have a different name and no one will remember kim finnian von lucinier, or his blunders in the war...yet i can't imagine being happy like that, either. but i won't be happy going back to etlia surrounded by...all of the suffering i feel like i could've prevented, either. i just....don't know if i'll ever be able to be happy. and honestly, i don't think i deserve to be. i guess that's why i drink, and i fight. it helps me to forget for a while, and i can pretend that one day i'll...finally be able to fucking breathe again. i know you'll probably tell me one day i'll be able to, and i don't know. maybe that's right, but i think...i'll never be able to forget everything that happened. i don't know how i'll ever make peace with it, and if i'll ever feel like i'm not...suffocating under the weight of it. i ran because i couldn't live with it all. it was...self preservation. i wasn't thinking about anyone or anything else. it was just unbearable. so i left. but even now i still can't live with it. not really.”

asher understands when it’s his purpose to listen, not to push further. so he does, taking in finn’s words one at a time. he finds his heart breaking for him, his sympathy for his loss and his situation becoming so overwhelming he’d almost like to cry. but he knows finn well enough by now that he knows he wouldn’t want that. so asher plays the role of the companion, of the listening ear. as much as he likes to talk, as much as he’d like to motivate finn, listening is just as good. he wants to understand. he wants finn to be happy too. he pauses for a second, wondering how to respond to all of the feelings that finn has just confided in him. he wants to be sure that he’s comfortable doing so again, if he wishes to.

“it’s not going to just feel better one day,” asher’s frown comes from a place of empathy, of his own demons he runs from. he’s still afraid of too much quiet, of closed doors and raised voices. but he doesn’t understand finn’s exact plights, not directly. “i used to read a lot. it was my only way to understand the world outside of the manor. you’re not the first man to lose a war and you won’t be the last. what happened happened. you shouldn’t forget it. but you can breathe whenever you’re ready to.”

finn goes quiet again. longer than the previous quiets, broken only when he finally says “i’m tired.” 

“that’s alright,” asher assures him, and after a moment of looking around the ground in their immediate vicinity, he hands him a smooth, flat stone. perfect for skipping. he’s pushed enough, he’s just happy that finn’s opened up to him. he watches as finn throws the stone into the water. it skips three times, not bad. 

“if we go back, i don't know how i'm going to stand seeing those pricks from gleerium in the estate that they stole from my family. or hearing the people calling it fucking. soule or remilly or whatever, instead of lucinier. it makes me sick.”

“remilly is a dumb name,“ asher agrees, smiling a bit despite the circumstances. he can’t help but think that he’s lucky to have met a man like finn, a man who still wants to help others despite the low place he’s gone to. there’s not too many heroes in this world, but asher thinks he may have met once of them. it’s why he makes another promise: “i have your back, finn.”

finn faces him, looks at him for the first time practically since this conversation began. asher fights the urge to smile, something about finn’s undivided attention giving him such a desire. he fails, but it seems to be alright, because finn finally replies: “okay. thanks.”

asher gets to his feet, handing him another skipping stone that he found. “this helps, doesn’t it?” maybe he just wants validation for his own coping mechanism. maybe he wants to hear that he’s actually helping finn with this too. 

“yeah, kinda,” finn throws the stone again, “haven't actually skipped stones in a while but i guess the skill is still there.” a laugh bubbles up from his lips. asher can’t help but feel a little giddy. for what reason he’s not quite sure. 

“maybe try this instead of fighting every gleerian in etlia,” asher can joke now, grinning in finn’s direction.

[frozen-seagrass]

The WALL-E au no one asked for

[holdmytesseract]

For the sleepover my love

Yn Kenobi looks for Kylo Ren after the force ghost of Anakin advised her to stop his dark path - they end up in a fight of swords and moral and attraction ❤️

Torn Apart

Kylo Ren x fem!Reader

Warnings: uhhh Star Wars stuff? Lightsabers/fights, angst, fluff? Y/N is Obi-Wan's granddaughter.

Word Count: definitely a bit more than a drabble 👀

a/n: Well... What can I say... I love this. Thank you so much, friend. I changed it up a bit, but you know. 😉

The hangar was bustling with pilots, droids and other Resistance fighters; maintaining and repairing their ships and coordinating things. You didn't pay much attention, though. Your focus was entirely on getting your X-Wing prepared for your mission. But just as you wanted to board your star-fighter, a voice cut through the noises of heavy machinery and chatter. A voice you only knew too well.

"Y/N! Y/N wait!"

You knew you shouldn't; knowing that your friend would only try to hold you back, but you also just couldn't leave.

"Y/N!" Finn called out again; reaching you completely out of breath. "Finn. What are you doing here?" You had a guess, but asked anyway.

"Don't... Don't go." The former stormtrooper panted; looked at you with a pleading gaze. You sighed. "Finn... I have to." He violently shook his head. "No, no you don't. We'll find another way!" "There's no other way," you said; placing a hand on his shoulder. "There always is!" Your friend immediately shot back; almost desperate. "No. Not this time."

A frustrated groan left the man's lips. "Why, Y/N? Why you?! Why must you do this?! Just because you're former friends with this... traitorous snake?"

You sighed once again; memories of your youth quite a few years back flooded your mind, causing you to quickly shut your eyes and close them off again. Now was not the time to wallow in the past.

"We weren't just friends, Finn." It was all you said, before you climbed inside the X-Wing.

"Not just friends?" Finn had clearly trouble to catch up what you meant. "What is that supposed to- Hold on..." All features of your friend's face derailed. The next words he literally shouted at you fell on deaf ears. The cockpit around you was already closed. You took a deep breath, ignored Finn and started the engines. He had no other choice than to step aside and let you go.

You left the hanger and with that the main Resistance cruiser behind. But before you set course for the planet below you, you sent a last message to your General. Leia Organa.

"This is Y/N Kenobi on my way back to D'Qar. General Organa... You might not agree on this, but we both know that I have to do it. It's probably my last- no... My only chance." You paused; taking another deep breath. "I'm going to bring him back to you, Leia. Back to us. I will leave D'Qar with him... Or not at all." With those words you ended your message and addressed your droid. "BB-7?" The familiar beeping of your mechanic friend caused you to smile. "Can you send this message to General Organa as soon as we landed?" The answer came promptly. "Thanks, buddy. Now let's get this done." With that you flew off; opposed the direction of your people. While the Resistance evacuated D'Qar, you flew straight back into the danger zone; hoping that your target would come alone and not bringing any friends.

On your monitor, you saw the ships of the Resistance fleet jump to light speed and vanish on the radar.

You flew straight back to the now former base, hid away your X-Wing in the deep forests of the planet and waited. Waited for your destiny to find its way to you.

And it did.

You could already feel his presence through the force. Even though he hadn't stepped a single foot on this planet. Yet.

You hid on top of one of the tarnished mounds, right behind a massive satellite; watching his shuttle invade the sky above you. You expected him to fire everything he got at the base, but you also knew that he wasn't stupid. He landed - and when the ramp lowered and he stepped out, you felt your breath catch in your throat; heartbeat quickening.

You hadn't seen him in years. Lastly when he destroyed Luke's Jedi temple on Ossus all those years back. Once more, memories flooded your mind. Of that very night. How you tried to talk sense into Ben; screaming his name through the fire, cries and whirring sound of lightsabers. In vain. It was the moment you realised that you had lost him.

And now you were here to get him back.

Due to the mask he wore, you couldn't see his face, of course, but you knew that he must at least feel that something was off. He stood in the middle of the deserted base; looking around for a few moments. Then he made his way towards one of the entries.

That was it. The moment you had waited for; destiny finally catching up with you.

You took a deep breath and left your hiding place.

"They aren't here anymore. Nobody is. You're too late."

Kylo stopped in his movements; like frozen to the ground with his back towards you. You jumped from the mound; landing on the earthy ground right behind him. He clearly needed a moment to recover.

"Am I?" His distorted voice urged to your ears; almost causing your knees to give in. You were so weak in this very moment; knowing that your feelings for him hadn't changed. Not even in the slightest. The difficulty was to hide it from him.

"Yes," you answered as stoically as possible. "You won't find the Resistance fighters here. Neither your mother, nor your uncle."

Suddenly, he turned to face you, "That may be. But you are here." and started to slowly pace up and down. "Why?"

"Because I have to. It's where I need to be. My destiny."

"Your destiny?" Kylo spat mockingly. "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

Yes... That clearly wasn't the man you once knew. The man you kissed at night and secretly shared a bed with; breaking the rules. But what he did was way worse than breaking some rules.

You clenched your teeth; knowing that you had to stay strong.

"Take at least that stupid mask off you're hiding behind, when you talk to the woman you once shared a bed with!" You could tell that your words hit a nerve; seeing his fists clench and unclench.

Silence settled over the base, until a mechanic hiss sounded from across you. He was taking his mask off. You didn't expect this. Not at all. And when familiar brown eyes met yours, you felt like a deer caught in the headlights. You couldn't even move a single muscle. All you did was looking in those beautiful brown eyes, which were once filled with love and gentleness. The same brown eyes you so often sought and found comfort in. Which had been your safe haven. The key element of your whole existence. The ones you had trusted with your life.

And now? Now they only held darkness, strength and raw power. This realisation ripped your heart into shreds. You wanted to be so strong and now you had to fight so hard against the upcoming tears.

Avoiding his gaze was the only salvation. So you did; let your gaze wander over his facial features instead.

He had grown; was definitely more mature. That much you could tell. The sweet, happy, sunny boy replaced by a cold, harsh, merciless man.

Nevertheless, you couldn't deny that he was the same handsome man with the beautiful long black curls you fell in love with.

Kylo didn't say a single word either; just looking at you seemingly emotionless.

You shook your head; suppressing the tears. "What happened to you, Ben?" "I've seen the truth, Y/N. I killed the past."

This shot a searing pain through your whole body. "Killed the past? Ben, this isn't your destined path! You can still turn around! It's not too late!"

The man opposite you furrowed his brows. "That's why you're here? To win me over?" "No... This isn't just about winning you over. I'm here because I want the man I love back." Now Kylo was the one shaking his head. "It's too late for that, Y/N. You can't turn me. Nothing won't change my mind. Not even love. I'm going to do what I have to do and fulfil my grandfather's legacy...," he snarled; drawing his lightsaber. With an ear-piercing hiss came its blood red blade to light, "...and nobody will stop me. Not even you." pointed straight into your direction.

You swallowed hard and drew your lightsaber as well. Unlike Kylo's blade was yours blue. "Well, that's too bad for you, because I am not going to let you walk away a second time. I already made that mistake once. I won't let it happen again."

"Foolish of you to believe this. You've got too much of your father and grandfather in you." "Yes... Just like you, Solo."

Kylo gritted his teeth and stormed forwards; his lightsaber clashing against yours.

The fight was hard, rough and unforgiving. You and Kylo threw in everything you got; not once backing up or lacking stamina. One moment Kylo had the upper hand and the next you. Your battle had led you away from the base and all the way into the woods; leaving a trail of burnt earth and destroyed trees behind.

And to make matters even worse, it had started to rain.

You stood on a hill; panting heavily. Kylo stood on the forest ground beneath you; throwing you an angry look.

"Let us stop this madness! Ben, please!" You screamed through the rain; feeling the water soaking your robes. He shook his head; waterdrops dripping from his black curls, "No! We are going to finish what we started!" and raised his lightsaber once more; ready to attack. "It's me - or you!"

You just stared at him for another moment, before you took a deep breath - and jumped. With a loud hiss met your lightsaber his. The strength of your blow caused him to stumble backwards, but he quickly recovered. Once again he stormed forwards and wanted to strike you, but you lifted both your arms; catching his wrists before he was able to hit you.

It was the first time since years, that you touched Ben again - and it almost took your breath away. It felt like time itself froze around you and him.

The force flowing through both your veins connected you; causing visions to explode in front of your eyes. Visions of the future. What was and what could be. They flew by way too fast. It was impossible for you to grasp all of them. But no matter how fast they came and went, they all had one thing in common... A different setting, but the same outcome. You and Ben. Together.

One showed you the two of you flying around the galaxy; exploring every existent planet. Another showed the two of you leading the Resistance, together with his mother. You saw love, a marriage, children - a family.

And suddenly it was all gone. Nothing but silence. Around you. In your mind. Everywhere.

Slowly, you blinked your eyes open; feeling the cold, wet forest ground underneath you. Still a bit dizzy and confused, you stood up and tried to understand what had happened.

Kylo sat on the groud as well, quite a few meters away from you.

The force... The two of you touching each other after such a long time was apparently too much.

But you knew what you saw. He must've seen it, too...

On still wobbly legs and knees, you walked over to Ben; hand outstretched. "Come with me. Please. I've seen the conflict inside you. I've seen your future. Our future. You must have seen it, too!"

Once again were those beautiful brown eyes looking up at you; reflecting the conflict you had seen. "I..." He eyed your hand; the light and darkness battling within Kylo. "I can't," he breathed; eyes filling up with tears.

There it was. The glimmer of hope.

You nodded. "Yes, yes you can! Just take my hand!"

He blinked; torn apart about what to do.

You were absolutely certain that you made it - made him see, but then Kylo acted too fast for you to react. Within the blink of an eye, he jumped to his feet and brought you down on your knees; both lightsabers flying off the ground and into his hands.

That was it. He had overpowered you. You couldn't stand a chance.

Perhaps he was right and it was really too late - but you refused to believe this and started one last desperate try.

"What are you waiting for? Do it! Kill me!" Kylo activated both lightsabers; jaw clenching. "Do it!" You screamed at him again. "I'd rather die than live my life without you; knowing that I really lost you forever!"

Your words caused the man towering above you to freeze in his movements.

"You... You would rather die than live without me?" Kylo asked in disbelief. Wind blew through his hair; rain hitting his face again. "Of course I would! You are all I ever wanted and needed! Don't you see?!"

He answered nothing; only stared at you. The gears in his head turning at lightning speed. Seconds felt like minutes, before he extinguished both blades of the weapons in his hands and threw them carelessly aside. You couldn't believe your eyes when he was dropping to his knees as well in front of you; taking both your hands in his. "I... I think I see now. Clearly, for the first time in my life."

You hesitated at first, but then you felt the conflict in him was gone. There was love, peace and light. You made it. Your love made it.

[dromaeo-sauridae]

sum arfurs and a screenshot redraw idk i just need to figure out how to draw bgs

[vanityangel]

THE TRIBAL CHIEF vs THE YEET WWE SMACKDOWN (OCTOBER 13, 2023)

[bisupergirl]

i miss kara...................

[druidonity2]

Dragon Noodle Soup :3

[theinfinitedivides]

on the fucking scooter my brother...........................

[kandiarus-secret-archives]

As a reader of SL raganarok i can tell you, that is not SL ragnarok

[nottesolostellata]

La mia pace inizia da qui

[ufasher]

PART 1: i want to take you into the sunlight

the still waters of the lake are quieter than the waves of the beaches back home. there’s only the slightest distant trickle of a tributary, the occasional splash of fish biting bugs off of the surface of the water. somewhere out of sight, some waterfowl sings to her chicks. a bullfrog bellows. it’s quieter than home, but somehow asher still finds comfort in it.

he’s always liked being by the water. back in his grandfather’s manor, his every step had been so controlled, his entire existence all but entirely erased due to his grandfather’s shame. his mother tried to love him enough to make up for it, but even she could not answer all of his questions: will i be allowed to go to the party? when will i be sent off to the academy? which of the knights will help train me? when he started to learn that the answers were no, never, and no one, he wanted to scream his frustration, to cry like he was still a child and yell into the heavens how unfair it all was. but grandfather wouldn’t like that; he didn’t like when asher made too much noise. so he found quieter ways to release his anger. sometimes just standing on the beach, bare toes in the sand and a salty wind blasting his face was enough to take him away from his problems. sometimes he needed a bit of a physical action to distract him from the mental and emotional turmoil.

skipping rocks is a game for children. but it’s also asher’s way to calm down. finding the right stone takes a bit of patience, but he has a pocket full of flat, round rocks and al the time in the world to find more if he needs them. he winds one up, flicking his wrist as he sends it across the surface of the water. one, two, three... it sinks. he swears; he knows he can do better. he grabs the next, familiarizing himself with its weight in his palm before he flings this one as well. it skips for four times. better.

finn’s not much of a conversationalist. that’s alright, no one is perfect, but after so many years of solitude, sometimes asher just wants some verbal company. he’s not going to push finn to be something he’s not, so he’ll find what he needs elsewhere. perhaps it was a mistake to strike up a conversation with the first man who paid him any mind in a particularly seedy little bar, but asher isn’t helpless. he’s a grown man, an adult, and despite always being on the smaller, more slender side he managed to look out for himself for a whole year, didn’t he? but no, that’s not really why he got mad at finn for pulling him away from the conversation, for claiming that he just didn’t want asher getting involved with people who are ‘only going to screw you over.’ no, if asher is being honest with himself, it’s not even finn that he’s mad at, but someone else. 

content warning: abuse. 

for a moment, it wasn’t his traveling companion who was interrupting his conversation, but a gnarled old hand that grabs harshly at his elbow, shaking him until his teeth rattle and demanding to know why the boy thought it’d be a good idea to go behind his back? it’s the way his grandfather would box his ears, give him the belt, or just land an effective backhand on the boy’s face when he so dared to step out of line, to try to interact with the world the old man desperately tried to hide him from. asher would weep back then, trying to suck his tears back in when the man would threaten to give him something really worth crying over. his mother never knew. how could he break her heart like that, knowing that she loved her father just as much as she loved her son? when she questioned bumps and bruises, he’d just laugh it off; he’d tell her he fell from a tree in the garden while climbing it, or fell down the stairs trying to jump as many as possible, or was startled by the mean goose in the garden and ran into something running away from him.

end content warning

but that’s not finn. and it’s probably not fair to project that onto him, but asher can’t help but feel anger. he’s lost everything, his mother, his home, his new baby brother who he may never get to know, but he thought he gained his freedom. feeling that snatched from his grasp, if only really just the tiniest tug... he doesn’t like it. so he throws another stone, cursing aloud when it sinks on only the second skip.

asher is looking for a new stone, the last in his pockets finally thrown into the lake, when he turns and sees finn there. he doesn’t know what to say, still hot and hurt from their last interaction. but finn, surprisingly, speaks first:

“i’m sorry, i’m not very good at having friends anymore. i didn’t mean to upset you. it’s not your fault. i just have a lot of shit i need to work through. it’s not really about you at all, really…i don’t know. i’m not very good at explaining things anymore, either.”

the boy picks up another stone silently, throwing it into the lake and watching it skip, one, two, three, four... sunk. he sighs. finn is trying. he should at least acknowledge him. "i'm not good at having friends either, finn. i had one the whole time i was a child— other than my mother. but you're really good at hurting people, finn." he throws another rock; this one sinks immediately, no skips. asher grunts his frustration. "if you don't want me to follow you, you can just say it. i'll go somewhere else."

finn is quiet. asher is ready for him to say the word, to finally tell him to buzz off and they can go their separate ways. it makes him sad, thinking he’ll be on his own again. but maybe that’s okay, maybe it’s better that way... he’s in the middle of convincing himself not to cry about the inevitability of solitude when finn speaks again, saying words that asher doesn’t expect:

“i used to be good at it…back. before. i went to lotus academy and i had a lot of friends even if i fought the kids from gleerium sometimes…i was charming, i think. but i think i was always kinda self centered…and i still am. it’s just…i don’t know. i don’t have a good excuse. i hurt people a lot. i know. and it’s…kinda hard to fix. i’m just. also in pain all the time, i think. it’s like i don’t have room for anybody else’s. like i said…it’s not a good excuse. it’s just how it is.” finn is quiet for another moment, but not so long that asher can respond. he asks, “how much do you know about me, asher?”

how much does he know about finn? not much. he was sent to kill him, not to get to know him. asher didn’t really follow those orders too well, but he’s pretty sure he was never going to get paid for that job anyway. he knows a little bit about how he acts, enough that he could track him down and still follow him around pretty easily. he knows that finn can dance. he knows that he was likely a noble at one point, having been familiar with lotus academy and the festival. otherwise? "i don't know anything, finn. just what you've told me."

“okay. my name. is kim finnian von lucinier. do you know who the luciniers are?”

of course asher knows who the etlian margraves were. he might have been sheltered, but he read. letters he stole from his grandfather’s desk regarding news from the other cities, books in the manor’s library, whatever he could get his hands on. the luciniers had even visited eryvine once, years ago, when asher was just a child. he recalls his one playmate from then, a happy memory he’s never been able to forget. running through the halls, play fighting in the courtyard with fallen twigs for swords. asher would have even called finnian his best friend, albeit his only childhood friend... wait—

realization hits him like a runaway carriage. he drops the stone he was about to skip at the same time he drops his jaw, turning to face finn fully as recognition dawns on his features for the first time. it was a long time, but suddenly he feels so stupid for not having realized it before. but he doubts himself. is the finn in front of him really the same finn he had known so many years ago? he asks: “do you remember the eryvine family?”

finn seems to consider it, as if raking through his mind for old memories. surely the son of the late margrave met so many more people than asher ever did. he can’t even say that he’d be offended if finn didn’t remember him. but he does, albeit slowly. “uhhh…the name is familiar, at least. i had to learn the names of a lot of nobles but. eryvine… is that you?” 

he thinks that he won’t be hurt by finn not remembering him, but it stings nonetheless. finnian might never know how important he was to young asher, how he never forgot what it was like to have a playmate, a friend, how despite not being allowed out of the manor (or into certain rooms), he didn’t feel nearly as trapped when there was someone in there with him. finnian had left that same day, but asher would be stuck in the manor, alone, for years to come. he throws another rock, this one skipping only twice, and scowls at that water. he nods his affirmative to finn’s question.

“i knew you. i don’t really remember…how, but i remember your name. we were young, right?”

“we were around five, six. my grandfather didn’t like introducing me to other nobles but you and i played in the garden anyway.” his next stone gets a couple of good skips. “you were my only friend. i can’t believe i never recognized you…”

“yeah, i remember now.” finn actually laughs. the sound is so foreign to asher’s ears that he has to turn and look at him again just to make sure that it’s actually coming from the man. “i don’t know how i didn’t realize either. i remember your freckles. you’d think i would’ve made the connection…”

a hand rises to his own cheeks unconsciously, tracing the marks he knows are on his face. this is what finn remembered? asher’s mother always did say that he had his father’s affinity for adventure and the sun; nothing she did could ever convince him to come back inside as long as he could help it. at least outdoors he could pretend he was free like the birds who nested in the tree he liked to climb. “i didn’t even really give you a fake name,” he can find the situation humorous, a second connection years later that they didn’t even realize until traveling alongside one another for months, “half the continent probably knows me as ‘fisk’ at this point.”

“we’re both stupid.” finn lays down on the ground, on the soft grass not far from the shore. asher watches. “i don’t know if you know…what exactly the luciniers do…or, did, but. i’m the reason etlia lost the war.”

asher can only frown. he knows very well what the luciniers did; they guarded the border. he read about them, the reports of the war. he knows that the only reason that an able-bodied young man like him wasn’t sent off to die was because his grandfather was already conspiring with gleerium, the stronger nation. sending his kin to fight against them would not have been a show of good faith. “the reason we lost the war is because we were a tiny nation fighting a losing battle from the start. i didn’t even fight. i should have. but my grandfather…” he trails off, unwilling or unable to tell finn everything that happened in that house. he throws another stone. “we lost the war the moment gleerium set their sights on us. we were outnumbered and overpowered from the start. that’s not your fault.” 

“if you fought you would've died.” finn’s probably right. so many men died in those battles and asher isn’t under any delusions that he would have come out of it a hero even if he did fight. “i don't think you get it.” the other man gets even quieter “my father spent his entire life protecting etlia's borders, and he did well at it. he succeeded. then he got ill, and he taught me enough to be able to take over for him, and as soon as i did...i lost everything he worked for within days. i didn't even get to speak to him after our last battle before he died. part of me hopes he died not knowing we lost, but i don't think that's true.”

“your father was not fighting the same armies you were. you could have done everything right and gleerium still would have won. that’s why my grandfather sided them too, he knew the inevitable.” asher realizes belatedly that he’s getting a little passionate. he lowers his voice, softens his tone: “i’m sorry about your father. i always heard that he was a good man.”

finn doesn’t seem to agree. he digs in his metaphorical heels, his face hard for asher to read but his tone betraying his pain, his guilt. “you don't know that. if i was stronger, and a better leader, and paid more attention...there were so many ways to prevent it, or to at least make it better than it was. people said i killed him. because i wanted his power. poison. maybe part of me did want his power, but i just wanted to learn from him. he was a good man. a better man than me.”

“one man doesn’t win a war. so one man can’t lose a war either.” he looks at finn, really takes a good look at him. he sees a broken man. one who gave up the fight but tortures himself every day because of it. he sees a man who people once looked up to, who was once a leader among his peers. he sees the shell of that, what’s left. pain, guilt, trauma. asher knows he’ll never understand the intimate horrors of war that he’s never experienced. but he knows what happens, and what happened. he read every report he could get his hands on, he’s talked to so many people since leaving home. surely... surely he can say something that will give hope back to kim finnian von lucinier. he finds that he wants to at least try. he takes a seat next to the other man, hoping to provide some sort of camaraderie. “the only thing you could have done to save a couple more lives would be to surrender immediately. and gleerium still might’ve gone on their victory tour to pummel us into submission anyway. people talk. my mom married a pirate and had me, and my grandfather hid me from society because of the shame of my existence. can you imagine everything that people have said about me? everything that went wrong in eryvine was my doing. did you hear that i burned an entire harvest’s worth of grain? it was probably me cutting the supplies to the army that we lost the war,” his tone had become rather light, but it turns serious again for a moment: “i didn’t burn anything. i never left the manor.”

“i saw so many people die. friends. knights that trained with me and knights that took care of me when i was young. all died under my command. i could've done better. i needed to do better. i don't know how to get anyone to understand what this feels like. i don't know if anyone ever will, and that's...” finn doesn’t finish the thought. asher can only guess what he would say, but he refrains. if finn wants him to know, he’ll tell him. maybe not now, but someday. “sometimes i envy people like you. i know you had your own hardships, but some days...i think i would give anything if it meant i never had to see all the bloodshed that i did.”

“finn, you couldn’t have. you had so much responsibility, but… no one could have done any better,” 

asher doesn’t know how to make the other man believe it. he’s read every book of strategy. from ancient classics to stories from contemporary men, he can’t find evidence in any one of the texts that etlia ever really had a fighting chance. the lasted so long on their own by luck, by being on the edge of the central part of gleerium and living on the borrowed time it took to get men and supplies up to the front lines. they were always going to fall. it’s just finn’s bad luck it all happened when it did.  “i’m sorry. you lost… so much. i can’t understand what that feels like, but… it’s not your fault. i just… want you to believe that someday.”

he offers a hand for finn to hold, if he wants. “im a good listener, too.”

a slight pause falls in between them as asher finds the words he’s searching for, but they come eventually. “i’m sorry. i wanted to fight. i loved etlia. but my grandfather’s bargain with gleerium… i should have run away sooner.”

finn doesn’t take his hand, but he does thank him. asher relaxes his outstretched palm, but leaves it there for the taking in case he changes his mind. “it's alright. sounded like you didn't really know any better. that's not your fault. and like i said, you probably would've died. it's probably better that you didn't fight.”

“i knew better. i just couldn’t do anything.” how wrong is it of him to feel guilt that he didn’t fight and die in a war that everyone else his age marched off to? how ungrateful must he be that he wishes, if even for a moment, that his life had been one of the many sacrifices made to protect their homeland. asher can’t think about it too long, it’d drive him insane. instead, he turns his thoughts to finn: “i think you’re a good man too, finnian. just so you know.”

the quiet that falls between them is so much longer this time. asher can’t begin to imagine what’s going through finn’s mind. he tries, but he feels some sort of guilt about it. no, finn’s thoughts should be private. if he doesn’t believe that he’s a good man... well, asher will just have to work to convince him of that someday. because he is. he may fight, and drink, and act like a ruffian, but there’s more to him than that. asher could sense it when they first met, a sort of gentleness buried deep under a hard shell. he’s pretty sure it’s there, that he gets glimpses of it when finn seems to get annoyed with him. even when he snapped at him for talking to shady characters, asher can understand it may come from a place of caring rather than control. it’s funny, he’s not even mad about that now. he almost forgot all about it.

finn sits up. “if i went back. to etlia. or what used to be etlia...would you come with me?”

asher doesn’t hesitate to respond: “i’d follow you anywhere.”

[happyendingsong]

https://x.com/onlylovewakana/status/1825179001092211075

https://x.com/maskedridernile/status/1825154845889962101

https://x.com/Toga_tjpw/status/1825392487059562952

[sadaveniren]

no one wants him to be harry

just because something is hard for you it doesn’t mean is not easy generally speaking

why don’t you go get whipped or slapped or whatever it is you do and stop talking nonsense

Why are y’all so fucking obsessed with my sex life akfkakfkakf is it cause you don’t have sex???

[itsallaboutvmin]

he really used "I've got the fanbase that would absolutely love you" as an argument 😅

+ face of defeat 😂

[apocalypticdemon]

I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.