#...not that im writing anything today anyway. today is horrible terrible no good and also very bad.

[mamawasatesttube]

do selkies count for mermay 🤔🤔🤔

[k4g3hika]

WELCOME HOME ━ imagine!

eddie munson x fem! reader

summary: eddie’s life is stressful, and then there’s you to fix it all.

genre: fluff

wc: 752

note: i’ve been writing sm fluff and im pretty sure it’s because i’m in my feels.

Eddie closes the van door and groans while rubbing his neck. Everything was piling up for him. All he wanted to do was finally graduate this year, but it seems that everything was trying to block him from doing so. Hawkins High seems to love him so much that it would never want him to leave. 

Lucky enough for you however, you already graduated the previous year. And by already scoring a job in the local grocery store, you’re just waiting for Eddie to be done with school so that the both of you can finally move to your cousin’s rental in California. That sounds easy enough. 

If it wasn’t for Eddie’s horrible, terrible, and drastic grades. 

Sighing out of frustration, Eddie started up his van, beginning his journey home. Fortunately, he had more things to think about other than school, because his campaign went great. Though you weren’t there to see it, Eddie completely smashed the club with his campaign that he was planning all week for, so he was at least feeling good about that. 

To top off this night, all he wanted to do was eat some junk in his cupboards, and watch a garbage movie, with you. After convincing his uncle, you moved in with him a couple months ago. It’s not like Eddie expected you to be a housewife or anything, but ever since then, the trailer was cleaner and the aroma was better since in your free time, you either baked or cooked. It was also great for Eddie since he can now branch out to different ways to sell and eat his weed. 

He finally pulled into the trailer park and turned off his van. Jumping out excitedly, Eddie fumbles with his keys before gently, pushing open the door. The smell of different sauces and spices infiltrated his head, and his happiness only began to increase. 

“Eddie! Welcome home!” You smile at him, going up to kiss him. 

“Hey sweetheart,” He wraps his arms around your waist, “how was your day?”

“Oh my god, it was great! Let me tell you all about it. Today, we got a new shipment at the store…” you pull away from him, rambling on and on about your day. All Eddie could do was smile. It wasn’t like he was annoyed at you, it’s just you talking and him listening was something he looked forward to everytime he came home. “And yeah! Then Luke came and my shift was over. Anyway, I cooked some spaghetti. Let me prepare your plate and you can talk about your campaign. Did it go well?”

“Y’know it did.” Closing the pot, you take the two plates into your hands and put them onto the little table to eat. After sitting down and him talking about his great campaign, the night was filled with your laughs and gasps. Nights like these were his absolute favourite. 

But throughout the whole time, Eddie couldn’t stop looking at your eyes and the smile that broke out on your face. Dungeons and Dragons wasn’t all that appealing to most, as everybody in Hawkins called it the ‘devil’s game’, but to the club, him, and especially you, it was the most fascinating thing to ever exist. Even though you didn’t play the game, you were just as interested as anybody else. 

“Y/N?” You look up from your plate and smile.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” You stop chewing, making eye-contact with him and tilting your head. 

“I love you too…but where is this coming from Eds?” He reaches over, wiping sauce from the corner of our lips, leaving his hand there to hold it. Staring lovingly into your eyes, you can only continue smiling, but stay confused at his words. 

“Thank you, for being my home. You’re the one thing I look forward to when I sleep and when I wake up.”

“Eddie! That’s so cheesy.”

“I know. And I know this doesn’t sound like me at all, but you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Silence ensues between you both. Until, you start to cry and reach over to him to sit on his lap. You hug each other tightly and he buries his nose into your neck. 

“I love you Eddie. Thank you for everything. I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“I love you too sweetheart.”

[nobutfredweasleytho]

YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN(F.W)

Summary: Fred’s ex girlfriend writes him a letter to explain the how him using her wrecked her emotionally.

Warnings: angst, like a lot of angst, depressed Y/N, mentions of self doubt, a little swearing, mentions of parents not loving correctly, used reader. Let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Major thank you to Gabriella @onlyfreds for being an amazing person and encouraging me to write whatever this mess is. I am forever grateful to you

(The font is terrible Im sorry im just getting used to working on tumblr)

Fred Weasley checked the muggle clock on his nightstand. 10:30 AM. His mom will call him for breakfast anytime now. He has been awake for quite some time if he can even count the 30 minutes he tried to sleep but couldn’t, not when every time he tries to close his eyes his mind and eventually dreams are clouded by her. By the last time he looked at her, how devastated she looked, How her face was wet from her tears and her eyes bloodshot red, but the thing Fred will never be able to forget is her voice. How raw and vulnerable she sounded while saying the most horrible thing’s anyone has ever said to him, but he can’t blame her, he has no one to blame but himself because in the end it was he who caused all of this and now its come to bite him in the ass. He hears the door open and his twin brother George enters.

“Mom says breakfast is ready and she wants you downstairs. She says she’ll drag you herself if you don’t show up again today.”

“Tell her I’m not hungry and I’ll come grab a bite later.” I really don’t feel like being surrounded by other people right now. Not in this pathetic state I’m in. Besides it will take me willpower I don’t have to not hex Ron into oblivion.

“Well she will not take no for an answer and I wont either. What’s done is done now and you’ll have to face the world someday so start with your own family because everyone down there is worried sick about you and the least you can do is show your face once in a while so they know you haven’t died of starvation or sleep deprivation.” George has worry written all over him and I’m sure the rest of the family has it too. I feel even more like shit for worrying them.

“Fine. But I come back here if she is mentioned are we clear?”

“We weren’t gonna mention Y/N anyway now lets go moms worried sick for your dumbass.”

Breakfast was going smoothly with Ginny and Ron being exited for Quidditch season, Harry and Bill discussing the unfortunate events of the Triwizard tournament last year, dad asking Hermione about a rubber duck whatever that is, but the most shocking thing is mom asking me and George about the joke shop products. George is doing most of the talking but still the fact that shes even asking is awesome. I was finally feeling peaceful this whole winter break until I heard a hoot outside the window.

“I thought it was Tuesday but since mail is here does it mean its Friday already? Oh how fast time is going.

“No Arthur honey you are right it is Tuesday, Bill or George can one of you see if that owl has the owners name attached to it and bring whatever letter he has here to see who is it for.”

Bill got up from his seat and went to the window next to the countertop to look at the mystery owl. “Do we even know a Y/N Y/L/N?”

The room went quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the owls hoot asking for its treat. Bill seemed not to realise this as he took the letter from the owl, gave him a treat and sent it on its way.

“To Fred Weasley from Y/N Y/L/N… Who’s Y/N is she the girl you’ve been crying over this whole time huh Freddie?” Bill chuckled but I just grabbed the letter. I had no time to even be mad at him because once again my mind fogs up with only her. I couldn’t help but feel relieved and the happiest I felt in a long time. She has forgiven me. Y/N forgave me. That has to be it. Why else would she send me a letter?

“I had a great time with you guys but there’s important matters for me to attend so I have to go to now. Thanks mom the breakfast was amazing as always.” And with that I sprinted towards my room, locked the door and examined the letter in my hands. It was a bunch of them in here. I went to mine and George’s worktable threw some papers that were on top of it to make room for these letters and carefully opened the envelope.

The first thing that I grabbed was a photo. It was a polaroid of me and Y/N on the Gryffindor common room. Happiness filled my heart when I started remembering this night. I looked at the back of the polaroid and surely enough there was a writing on it.

Fred and Yn on the Gryffindor common room at 1 AM the night she turned 17. Listening to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”. Picture taken by major 3rd wheel George Weasley.

Tears filled my eyes when I remember this night. It was the night I looked at her the way I always should have. Not as a replacement of someone who didn’t care about me.

The next one was also a polaroid photograph but this one I don’t remember being taken. It’s a picture of Y/N teaching me how to play the guitar. I can make up that we are in her dorm but not more as the picture is taken in black and white. I look at the back and surely this one also has a writing on it but the handwriting doesn’t look familiar at all.

A drunken Y/N accompanied by a even drunker Fred trying to play the guitar in the middle of the night. If I fail my charms exam tomorrow I’m killing you both but right now you two look adorable. Picture taken by Cho Chang.

The third one is an actual letter. I chuckle looking at the handwriting. Always so precise and not even one line out of place. I always thought Y/Ns handwriting always contradicts her hot headed persona but it’s actually really cute. I start reading the letter and my heart stops.

Dear Freddie,

I can only imagine the shock that receiving a letter from me would cause you right now especially after our last conversation.

But I have a lot to get off of my chest and I wont be able to move on if I haven’t said it all. Call me a coward but I was really scared to ask you to meet me so I can say it in person, but maybe that’s what I have always been. A coward. A coward because I get scared when someone wants to enter my life, a coward because I hate trying new things at the expense of failing, a coward because I should be able to confront people who brought darkness and sadness to my life.

But one thing I will admit Fred Weasley is that I wasn’t a coward when It came to loving you. It was the first time that I let someone come into my life and heart the way you did, and it will probably be the last. Throughout our “relationship” if you can even call it that as it was more of you customizing me to be her, to be someone I’m not. But that’s why you even talked to me is it, because I reminded you of her.

The signs were right in front of me and I feel stupid enough not to have seen them. But I guess people are right when they say love is blind. Love is such a funny thing to me as the first time I experienced the right kind of love was through you. But that was me creating stuff in my head. You didn’t love me no, you loved the idea of me. But I loved you. I loved you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved, I loved everything about you. But you just don’t listen. You don’t listen to anyone around you. Not George, not your other siblings, not Lee or any of your other friends for that matter, not your professors, but most importantly you don’t listen to me.

You didn’t listen when I told you that the love my parents gave me was only because I reminded them of my brother, the love my old friends back home gave me was one of interest. Everywhere I go no matter who I talk to no one will love me for me. I came to accept that until I met you.

You were funny and crazy and brave and oh so gorgeous. You were basically everything I looked for in… well everything. In a friend or in a partner it doesn’t matter. I thought you saw me for who I am. A broken teenager with issues but that at the end of the day was deserving of love. Oh how wrong I have been but no more wrong than you. You knew this but you just didn’t listen.

That makes us both horrible people now does it. Me who thought you were some kind of savior or some kind of saint and selfishly wrapped myself around your love and you who used me because I remind you of your ex girlfriend who broke your heart. But mine is excused I feel like and yours isn’t.

You would have kept me going for who knows how long just so you can live your imaginations you had for someone else.

Did you think about her the first time we slept together?

Was I not enough for you Freddie?

Was I too clingy too soon?

Is it my hot temper that gets the best of me?

So many questions will be left unanswered on my end because frankly, I never want to speak of you again. Sure I am deprived of love but I will not take it if its not directed directly at me.

I still care about you and will continue to support you and George on whatever you set your mind into. I was waking through Diagon Alley last week and saw this little store with a “for sale” sign. It’s right in the middle of Diagon Alley. I hate how my first thought went that you would have loved it but I seem to do that a lot recently.

I’ll get dressed and think would Fred love this skirt or this shirt.

I start applying lipstick and I’ll think will Fred love this color.

I start eating and I’ll think does this look good enough that Fred would’ve stolen a piece of it when I’m talking to Ginny.

I don’t even know why I am telling you this. How pathetic I’ve become clinging into someone that doesn’t want me.

Anyway I’ve probably bored you enough with my ranting but I wouldn’t have been able to move on unless I said everything that felt heavy on my heart. I also attached some photos I thought you’d like to keep seeing as now you can see yourself with Kayla without having the burden to be near me.

Say hi to your siblings and Harry for me.

Have a nice life,

Y/N

[ladyideal]

Valentine’s Day Drabbles

We all know what this day is all about. Lmao. While it shouldn't only be one day you should be appreciating your partner, let's do this anyways.

Star Trek:

AOS Crew: Jim, Scotty, Bones, scones x reader, mckirk x reader

Disco Crew (s2 only): Pike, Tilly

Almost Human: John Kennex

LOTR: Aragorn, Eomer, Legolas, Boromir, Haldir

The Boys: Billy Butcher, Hughie 

Marvel: Bucky Barnes, Dr. Strange, Steve Rogers (if you don’t mind me trying to write him), Stucky x reader

Rules:

Please reblog. 🙂 Share the love around.

It’s open to anyone and everyone, but it would be nice if you were following me.

I will allow anons this time. But please. One ask per person. If I get too many anon requests, I will reserve the right to write first come first serve.

Send in an ask with your prompt(s) and character/ships. If you want to suggest other characters on the list, just ask. 

If you would like a pet within the story, lemme know. I'll be forever grateful. Or if you want something specific, also put that in.

Last date to request for a drabble will be February 12th, 2021.

Mix and match, choose more than one prompt if you wish.

If you've got any questions, feel free to message me. 🙂 They’ll be all be posted on the 14th!

Prompts Below:

1. “Be mine until the end of time.”

2. “I’ve been hit with Cupid’s arrow.”

3. “Happy Valentine’s Day, from now until forever.”

4. “Only if you promise to be my valentine.”

5. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” “Um….. is that today?”

6. Preparing a special Valentine’s Day dinner together.

7. Trying to find the right words to write in a Valentine’s Day card

8. Making homemade chocolates for their beloved

9. Planning and proposing to their significant other on Valentine’s Day

10. Wearing brand new lingerie for a sexy evening together

11. Attending a Valentine’s Day party and finding an impromptu date

12. Your crush giving you advice for the night of Valentine’s Day when they think you already have another date

13. Being surprised by flowers and chocolate sent to your work from a secret admirer

14. Forgetting tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and frantically rushing out to find a last-minute gift.

15. Writing a secret love letter and leaving it on your crush’s desk

16. “Roses are red, violets are blue, all I want for this V-Day is to do you!”

17. Candy hearts

18. Roses

19. Blind date/set up by friends

20. Chocolates

21. Movie night

22. Late for a date

23. Wrong restaurant

24. Strangers alone on Valentine's day

25. Friend(s) date

26. Rained out picnic

27. Low on money/homemade date

28. Surprise date while working late

29. Forgot to get anything

30. Babysitter canceled/Family date night

31. Secret admirer/admitting a crush 

Situations:

32. Person A and Person B are friends and neither of them have a date for Valentine’s Day, so they decide to order takeout of some kind and watch a movie together. At some point, hidden feelings are revealed. 

33. “ Happy unimaginative, consumerist oriented and completely arbitrary, manipulative, and shallow interpretation of romance day.”

34. Person A has been in love with person B for years and is trying to work up the courage to ask them out on Valentine’s Day. 

35. Person A is friends with Person B and Person C and believes they belong together, so when Person A and Person B agree to set each other up on blind dates, Person A sets person B up with Person C.

36. “I know a Valentine’s Day proposal is cliche, but won’t it be romantic?”“ This Valentine’s Day is officially Pal-entine’s Day.” “ Isn’t that the emperor from Star Wars?”  

37. “I’m not good with feelings, but here goes nothing. My life sucks less with you in it.”

38. Person A plans the most romantic day ever, not realizing Person B hates Valentine’s Day. 

39. Valentine’s Day break up.

40. “ I don’t even want to hear about Valentine’s Day, okay? The love of my life is dead.” 

41. “This holiday is so pointless.”

42. “Do you maybe want to go to the Valentine’s dance with me??

43. Person A and Person B were going to have the most amazing date ever, but there was a snowstorm and now they’re stuck at home. 

44. “You still have your Christmas lights up? It’s February! Get your life together!”

45. Person A and Person B have to spend Valentine’s Day apart. 

46. “What? I do not like him/her/them! We’re just friends.”

47. “Wow, you suck at flirting.”

48. Person A is stood up for a date. Person B, who is secretly in love with them, does everything in their power to cheer them up. 

49. Quarantine Valentine’s Day. 

50. Person A and Person B debate which fictional couple they would be. And there was only one bed! 

51. Person A doesn’t know Person B and Person C are together, until Person C walks into Person B’s room on Valentine’s Day without knocking. 

52. Person A sets up a romantic scavenger hunt for Person B. 

53. Person A is late for a date with Person B. 

54. Person A accidentally buys Person B a gift they are allergic to. 

55. A carriage ride at sunset. 

56. “Hey, we should play spin the bottle!”

57. A date gone horribly wrong. 

58. “I need help picking an outfit for a date tonight.”

59. Person A and Person B make a bet. If Person B loses, they have to go on a date with Person A. 

60. Stargazing.

61. “I got a new dress. Do you like it?” “I’ll like it better when it’s on my floor.”

62. Medieval royalty romance AU

63. Person B is in love with Person A, who agreed to go out with Person C for Valentine’s Day. 

64. Romantic getaway.

65. Personalized candy hearts. 

66. Person A and Person B are on a date when they run into Person A’s ex.

67. Person A confesses their love to Person B, who does not return their feelings.

68. Person A and Person B decide to platonically go on a date. 

69. Everyone spends the whole day trying to get Person A and Person B together. 

70. Person A and Person B get into a situation in which they think they are going to die, so they pour their hearts out only to be rescued at the last minute. 

71. First Valentine’s Day as a married couple. 

72. Person A tries to prove they aren’t in love with Person B by setting Person B up on a date. 

73. A picnic in the park, but it’s snowing. 

74. Person A gives Person B a romantic gift and Person A vows to keep it forever. 

75. Caught cheating on Valentine’s Day. 

76. First kiss. 

77. “This has been terrible, but at least I’m with you.”

78. Person A has a surprise planned and Person B is dying to know what it is.

79. Person A and Person B are on a date and discover Person C and Person D have secretly been together for months. 

80.  Cupid’s arrow

81. Getting stood up on Valentine’s Day

82.  Watching the one you love on a date with another

83.  Pinky promise me forever

84.  Massages

85.  Open prompt

Credit prompts to @vv-writing-prompts​, @writing-prompts-list​, & @im-the-letter-t​

[idkanymoreaboutlife]

Soo I’ve never written for anything but anime and some tv shows, but I wanted to try my hand at writing some Dewey Finn fanfiction. He’s definitely out of character and I think I’ve definitely could’ve done better but I think with writing him more it’ll get better. Sorry for the ranting, anyways here’s what I wrote. Also, I’m on mobile so I can’t do the whole ‘read more’, I apologize for that.

Goth girl next door

Dewey couldn’t stand his neighbor. Every Friday-Sunday night at 10 o’clock loud, heavy metal music come from the thin walls next door. He absolutely hated them, granted he never met the person before, but, from the lack of sleep every weekend for the past 2 months and the constant bass thumping into his head at 12 am, he has a right to hold hatred to his neighbor. Don’t get him wrong, at first he enjoyed the music coming from the apartment. But it became apparent that this neighbor only listened to same genre; heavy metal. Dewey didn’t mind at first, he recognized a few artists like Alice In Chains ana Godsmack, but then the screaming came. God, he couldn’t nt stand hearing those deep, growling songs piercing his ears at midnight. Yes, he’s a lover of music and a self proclaimed rock god, but..it became annoying to hear the same music every weekend.

Monday morning came and Dewey sat at his desk, nursing his 3rd cup of coffee in the past 2 hours. As the kids filed into the room they passed concerned glances at Dewey. Sure, they’re used to seeing him tired and out of it on some mornings but today he looked more haggard than ever. His usually messy hair was in more of disarray, heavy bags weighed underneath his eyes and yawns kept escaping his mouth every few minutes. The kids sat in their seats and talked amongst themselves about the shell of their normally upbeat teacher. Summer took charge of the discussion, asking the others what could possibly have their teacher become like this.

“Maybe he got kicked out of his apartment?” Katie mused.

“No, he would be stressed but he still would’ve been active.” Summer commented back

“Girl troubles?” Zack spouted out, almost everyone gave a soft giggle.

“Oh definitely not that.” Summer replied.

“The last girl trouble he had was with Ms. Mullins and we all know how that went.” Alicia said, rolling her eyes.

“Well I don’t know what it could be, he never acted like this.” Summer huffed out, falling back into her seat, crossing her arms.

“Why don’t we ask him?” Tomika spoke up, her soft voice filling the silence that fell upon the students. They agreed and the students piled up to Dewey’s desk. Summer taking the lead at the front. He looked up from his notes for the day, giving a small tired smile at them.

“What’s up guys? You just gotta give me like 5 minutes and then we’ll start.” Summer put her hands on the desk, leaning forward.

“You’re acting strange, what’s wrong?” She asked, a stern lay over her voice. He gave her an odd look.

“What? Nothings wrong” ,he gave a weak chuckle, “ I had a long night with papers.”

“You’re terrible at lying Mr. Finn.” Summer said, rolling her eyes. He gave a sigh and rubbed his eyes, giving a yawn before speaking.

“My neighbor plays heavy metal every weekend all night long and I can’t sleep because of it.”

“Why don’t you just talk with them? Communication is key!” Katie said.

“Yeah! Whenever my parents get into an argument, they talk it out.” Billy chimes in. Dewey chuckled and leaned back in his chair.

“I never spoke with them before, ever since they moved in they’ve been doing this. No one else has compliments so.”

“You still have to talk with them or else it’s never going to be resolved.” Summer interjected. Dewey nodded and gave them a tired smile.

“Well I guess after class I’ll have a chat with them.” The students being satisfied with his answer, went back to their seats.

When school ended Dewey headed back to his van, getting into the drivers side and putting his messenger bag on the cluttered passenger seat. Sighing he started the van, turning on the radio to the classic rock channel and pulling out of he parking lot, back to his apartment. He drove slower than he normally would, not excited about heading home and confronting his neighbor about their music habits. He went over in his head how he’ll talk to them.

“Hey I’m your next door neighbor, your music is shit..no that sounds harsh. Hey I’m Dewey Finn, your neighbor, could you like..not play metal at ungodly hours?..no, no that’s too forward.” He sighed to himself, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as he drove, trying to come up with a good starter.

“Maybe just start a conversation? And lead into it? Yeah that sounds good Dewey, wing it man.” He gave himself a quick affirmation nod and pulled into his parking space at the front of the building. Turning the ignition off he grabbed his bag and left the car, heading up to his apartment.

He stood at the door to his neighbors, amping himself up to knock at the dark wood door. Shaking the nervous jitters out in his hand he raises his fist, rapping on the door a few soft times. He hears footsteps drawing near the door, the chain unhooking from the lock and the door opening some. He went to speak but his words got caught in his throat. There stood a girl, mid 20s with knotted hair tied up in a bun on the top of her head, black smudged eyeshadow and eyeliner, smeared from not being taken off the night before. She wore an off the shoulder long sleeved shirt, some metal band plastered on the front, the hint of pajama shorts peeking out from underneath it. She stared blankly at Dewey.

“Can I help you?” She asked, her voice carrying into the hallway. He snapped himself out of his daze and closed his mouth, offering a quick smile.

“Hey um, im your neighbor uh Dewey, Dewey Finn..” he said, giving a small wave. She gave him a once over of his long sleeved yellow dress shirt and way too snug vest. She sighed.

“Okay, I’m y/n. What do you want.”

“Um oh you play your music uh really loud on the weekends and uh I’m a teacher, and I would really appreciate it if you didn’t play it..so loud..or as much.” She blinked at him.

“I don’t think so.” She went to close the door but he caught it with his foot, she gave him a glare of annoyance.

“We-well why not? I think it’s pretty reasonable thing to ask somebody.”

“Listen, I have work in a few hours, you’re more than welcome to go to the landlord and file your complaint. But I don’t have time for this.” She huffed and moved to kick his foot away, he stopped her by talking again.

“I get it, I do but I need my sleep but I can’t get any if you’re playing your music, horrible taste by the way, at 3 am!” His voice rose uncharacteristically, becoming annoyed by this woman being immature.

“I’m so sorry for that, let me just throw out my guitar and speaker. God forbid I have a hobby.” Her eyes rolled and she let out a dry chuckle. He stared at her, guitar?

“You play the guitar?” He spoke near a whisper.

“Yeah? That’s what I just said. Listen, can you leave now?”

“Oh um yeah, but uh can I see your setup?” She raised an eyebrow at him.

“Seems like a second date question.” Chuckling to herself she opened her door up more. Before he could walk in, she stopped him.

“Five minutes, that’s it.” He nodded and followed her into the small space, closing the door behind him. Walking more into the apartment, he saw a black guitar with stickers covering it, on a stand near the window. An amp next to it with as many stickers at the guitar. Her apartment was relatively clean, save for the coffee table being littered with takeout boxes and beer bottles. He walked over to the guitar and brushed his hand over the neck.

“Is this a Fender Stratocaster?” He looked at her in amazement. She nodded and leaned herself on the couch arm.

“Yep, my dad got it for me a couple years back.”

“Wow, I’m amazed.” He looked back at the guitar, looking at all the stickers that covered the once mahogany body.

“Do you play?” She asked him, coming over to stand on the other side of him. He nodded.

“I was in a band before, now I teach kids about rock theory and how to play classic.”

“Do you wanna try it out?” He looked at her like a kid in a candy store.

“Really?”

“Yeah, knock yourself out.” She pulled the amp in and connected the cord to the body of the guitar, messing with the dials on the amp.

“Go ahead.” He picked up he guitar and out the strap over his shoulders, strumming out a few cords to test, smiling at the sound that resounded from it. He plucked out a few more strings before strumming into the opening cords to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. She watched him with a smile, arms crossed as she watched him getting into the zone. His body started swaying to the music, heading the vocals in his head as he played on. As he finished the first 3 minutes of it, he stopped, putting the guitar back on the stand.

“You’re good, I’ll give you that.” She smiled at him. He gave a small blush and scratched the back of his head.

“Oh you know, I dabble here and there.” They gave a soft laugh together. “Sooo, you think you can tone down the music on the weekends?” He asked, puppy dog eyes in play. She gave a roll of her eyes and sighed.

“I can definitely try and tone it down, no promises.” She walked him back to the front door, opening it for him as he stepped back out of the apartment.

“Great! Um..I mean thanks, I appreciate that.” He smiled and turned to walk away but paused, turning to look at her.

“What time do you finish your shift tonight?” She gave him an odd look.

“We close at 12, I’ll be home at 1.”

“Cool, you wanna grab a drink afterwards? I know a great place.” He smiled at her as she stared at him. Giving a nod.

“Sounds good, it’s a date.” She said her goodbyes and closed the door. He broke out into a grin, giving a small fist bump to the air as he went down the hall back to his apartment. Definitely worth the sleepless nights he thought.

[yioh]

hi yura, im the one who procrastinated by watching (several) movie(s),, the movie was not really good but also not too bad and exactly right for procrastinating,, i had my exam today and i think (or am 99% sure) that i failed, i dont feel too good right now bc i know it's my fault and i'm angry at myself and idk i dont want to think about it too much but even though i dont think i would just drop out of uni bc i just started i really wanna just drop out.

also im just thinking about how i only got in bc i was lucky, my gpa was way too bad for pharmacy and i only got in through the succession procedure (i hope thats the english word) i know i wont drop out bc then i have to search for a job and my anxiety is already too stressed out but i just, idk i feel weird and like i want to cry but also cant. i realized this got kinda negative so im sorry if this was too much, you dont have to answer this, i think i just wanted to write out my thoughts (2/3)

in english bc it is less scarier to me than in the language im fluent in,, sending you lots of love!<3 im really really sorry for all the negativity i just realized that this was not the best way, im regretting writing this now, i hope youre not mad (3/3)

ok first of all . LEMME GIVE U A BIG BIG BIG HUG . i'm 10000000% not mad at all and in fact, im so so so glad u sent this :) because, god i relate so freaking hard i can not express this enough... throughout my exams in school i always performed either terribly or average on math & physics and somehow i got lucky and got a decent grade in my finals (like once) and now that im at uni im struggling so insanely and i can barely finish any of my work by myself and all i can think of is that im too dumb for this and that i should've never been accepted in the first place ...... so bro, from the bottom of my heart i understand u so much . all i want is to drop out and stop studying a course im shit at and hate anyways but im 2 years in and idk what else i would do and its so freaking complicated and fills me with anxiety the more i think abt it and like fkjsksn yeah ... somehow its comforting to know that im not the only person whose struggling.... i hope u feel the same <3

as for advice, why don't you take it one step at a time? maybe tell ur loved ones that ur struggling first, and maybe test how u feel abt ur degree some more, and if u still feel horrible, reach out to someone in ur department maybe? usually they are more than willing to help figure something out to make it easier !! but i also know how hard it is because i haven't got the guts to do it either kdhdlshshkahjfkc ,, if anything, please prioritise ur mental health and don't let everything overwhelm you. its not your fault at all. life is so so long and it's inevitable that you will find ur way, and ur place, u just have to trust the process and go with the flow :) im sure everything will work out in the end, don't worry at all <3 i love u, take care of urself !!

[imaginexmeintheuniverse]

Try Again

(just to be sure)

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Reader

Word Count: 2, 413

A/N: since im officially adding HP to the fandoms im now writing for, here's my first draco drabble!

The astronomy tower was a good place for you to be alone with your thoughts, although today wasn't a great time to be alone with such thoughts. You don't know if it's just 'one of those days', or if it's the accumulation of awful things that have been getting to you, or simply your self-loathing and bad self-esteem catching up to you, but you sit by one of the wide windows looking out as terrible thoughts cloud your mind.

"What's the matter, Y/L/N? Are you thinking about how your mere existence is a scar on this world?" Turning around to see the face that matches with the dreadfully familiar voice, sure enough, Draco Malfoy is there, invading your alone time— today of all days. You shift your focus back to the window so that your back is to him once more— you don't want him to see how terrible you look. Definitely not because you'd ever want to impress him, but you don't need another thing to add to the list of things you hate about yourself.

"Seems that way," you answer quietly, head hanging low instead of firing back with your chin up like you normally would. Swiping furiously at your cheeks, you try to get rid of the evidence that you had been crying before his steps reach you.

"Or are you- wait, what?"

"I'm utterly useless; a talentless fool, and a worthless idiot," you ramble on, allowing your feelings of self-loathing to take the wheel as you wallow in your self-pity. "You're right okay, now you can skip away happily knowing every insult you've ever told me is true."

"No, no, no," he sounds like a broken machine. "No! This isn't how our dynamic works!" He looks at you with wide eyes, examining you to see if you've been hexed or jinxed, but all he sees is are your red, puffy eyes that have had the life drained from them. "N-No- this is the part where you call me a twat- o-or a foul git—"

"Listen, Malfoy, I'm really not in the mood for this now, so will you please just tell me how much I sicken you, and continue on your way?" Your voice cracks and the way the sound resonates in his chest makes Draco unbelievably uncomfortable.

The boy is already uncomfortable with his own emotions, the mere thought of dealing with someone else's makes him want to run in the opposite direction.

But he doesn't. Instead, he angles his body as an attempt to initiate eye contact as he speaks, "Mind if I sit?" You shrug in response without looking at him.

Things are worse than he thought if he's taking a seat next to you and you haven't Stupified him to the other end of the room yet.

There's a silence that settles over the two of you as you sit side-by-side. Your attention is on the landscape before you, but at some point Draco's eyes are drawn to you. He finds himself taking in details he he's always overlooked during your regularly scheduled bickering. Not minding the bloodshot eyes and the dark circles that frame them, your irises are still bright, your eyelashes seemed to curl with the perfect curvature, and your lips look so soft— he's trying to imagine if they feel that way too. His focus then shifts downwards to where his hand could very well touch yours if he moved it just a little.

"Hey, can I ask you a favour?" You say, breaking the silence, and snapping him out of his trance. He tries to control the blush that appears as he feels like he's been caught. It takes him a moment to remember where he is and to get back into character.

"Are you sure that you're in a position to be asking me any favours?" He tries to maintain his usual snarky tone, but his voice has already gone softer than he would normally allow.

"Please, I'll owe you one in return," He reluctantly nods his head, wondering what you could possibly ask of him. "Would you tell me something about myself- what y-you think- something true- please?"

You know that you shouldn't be looking for any kind of validation or confirmation from anyone— especially not the likes of Draco Malfoy, but you're head has been spinning with every horrible thing that's ever been said to you, as well as all the awful things you already think about yourself. You've lost a certain level of perspective and you need something concrete to hold onto— whether it's good, or bad.

He's grown so quiet, if he weren't sitting right next you, you might've thought that he left. But he's there, looking at you hesitantly. Judging by how much time he's taking to speak, you know you probably won't like what he tells you, but you did ask him and should expect anything.

What he actually says surprises you.

"You're genuine," he says simply. You blink a few times, slightly shocked by his answer. "You're fully, and consistently yourself—"

"Draco..." He perks up at the sound of you calling him by his first name.

"It's something I wish I could be, and I admire you for that—"

"Careful there, Malfoy, you wouldn't want me to think you might actually care about me, do you?"

"O-Of course not!" he scoffs, though he's stumbling through his words. "Don't flatter yourself, Y/L/N. Like I could ever care about an underling like you—"

"Oh, sod off, you insufferable git," you retort, and you both let out a chuckle as you get back into the groove of what your interactions normally consist of.

"This favour you owe me now..." You quirk up an eyebrow, waiting to see where he's going with this. "I can use it at any time I please, correct?"

"Sure, Malfoy," An uneasiness hits your stomach at the sight of a smirk that starts to form on his features.

"I want to use it now." You roll your eyes, so not in the mood for whatever labour or humiliating task he'll tell you to do.

"Does it have to be now?"

"Absolutely. No take-backs."

"Oh, all right! What is it?" His smirk suddenly disappears as he hesitates. He was playing it so cool just now, but his eyes leave yours in favour of his lap. Despite not being prepared for whatever it was just seconds ago, now you want to get it over with. "Come on then, what is it?"

"O-On second thought, never mind—"

"No, just tell me now. Let's get it over with!"

"I-It's okay- le-let's just pretend that everything here never happened- you won't owe me anything—" There's no way you were going to let yourself carry the burden of being indebted to Draco Malfoy, so you grab his shoulder and turn him to face you.

Seeing that he might actually be a little freaked out, you let go of him and ease up, "Tell me what it is you want me to do, I'll do it, and then we can part ways and everything will go back to normal."

His widened silver eyes lock with your Y/E/C ones as he swallows down his nerves. He takes it upon himself to edge his hands forward so that his fingers brush against yours, and he finally discloses what he's been thinking, "Kiss me."

"W-What?" Now it's your turn to be taken aback as you replay the last five seconds in your head to made sure you heard correctly.

"N-Not if you absolutely don't want to- I wouldn't make you do that- tha-that would be messed up, but—"

"Draco," He stops rambling after you use his first name for the second time. Taking it upon yourself, you slide your hand under his and squeeze his palm. "Stop talking."

Following your instruction, he doesn't say another word, and he worries that his request might be so outrageous that you'll hex him, but then you lean forward until your lips have barely brushed his. The combination of your Y/E/C hues and the sweet breath that fans over his lips is enough to put him under a spell— not literally, although it feels that way.

He's shocked by the action. That much is an obvious tell, judging by his expression, but he lets his eyelids flutter closed anyways as you press your lips to his. The first thing he registers is how your lips are indeed softer than they look, and the second is that they are a perfect fit for his. He doesn't kiss you back, instead sitting in the feeling of your lips, as well as wanting to make sure that it's truly what you would want before he made any moves.

His eyes remain closed for a moment after you pull away while he processes the sensation, as well as trying to control the fireworks exploding in his heart. When he finally opens his eyes, he feels at peace for the first time all year. There's something about your firey gaze that calms him, like a home fire. There's also something about it that makes him nervous, but not the same type of fear that he's used to— it's as though you can see right through him.

"Well..." is all you can say, hoping that your voice can mask the sound of your erratically-beating heart.

"Well...?"

"Did you... by any chance... feel anything?" The rational part of your brain deduces that he wouldn't have asked to you to kiss him if he didn't want you to, but the irrational part of your brain is already racing and overanalyzing the sparks you felt when your lips touched his. Now you want to know of he felt it too.

"I-I, uh, I'm not sure," he lies, knowing exactly how it made him feel. He's simply uncomfortable with his own emotions, as we've established.

"You're not sure?" You ask incredulously. Seriously, what kind of response was that? "What, should we try again for you to be sure? Geez, maybe this time, you could actually kiss me back—"

Draco lurches forward to capture your lips to make you shut up. But mostly because he does want to kiss you again. It's an intense, albeit short kiss that ends before you can respond, but comes with a certain rush of adrenaline that causes your heart rate to spike. He doesn't pull away far— his lips would still touch yours again if he leaned forward even the slightest bit.

You're momentarily stunned by the sudden action and freeze, letting the storms that reside in his irises to bore through you as his uneven breaths fan over your lips. His hand moves from where it held yours, trailing up your arm, over your shoulder, and passing over your neck, his fingertips leaving shivers in their wake until he reaches your jaw. He grasps the side of your face, lacing his fingers into your hair, and holds you in place as he brings his lips back to yours again. This time, you push back against him instantly as though on instinct.

Your lips fall in synch with his and he holds you tighter, deepening the kiss. Your hand moves to grab onto just about any part of him so you can steady yourself, and you end up latching onto the crisp fabric of his perfectly ironed shirt. His hand that had been planted on the ground then moves to push your body closer to his as his palm lays flat on your back.

There's a powerful sort of feeling that surges through you like electricity, and the traces of whatever disheartening feelings ruled over you earlier are wiped clean off as Draco kisses the remains of salty tears away.

You and him break apart naturally, slowing the pace and placing soft pecks onto each other's lips that gradually become shorter in length. Leaning against the other's forehead, you both stay like that with your eyes closed. Eventually, your grip on his shirt loosens, leaving the once neatly pressed fabric all wrinkled, but he couldn't care less.

Finally opening you eyes, you begin to speak, without actually knowing what you're going to say, "Well this is..."

"...unusual?" he finishes, awkwardly sliding his hands through his scalp to slick back any stray hairs before placing them firmly on the ground.

There is yet another moment of silence where you look anywhere but at each other. Swallowing your nerves, you decide to look at him, scanning his features for any kind of indication as to what might be going through his mind. He appears to be somewhere between deep in thought and trying to process everything that has just happened.

You take it upon yourself to break the building tension, "So did you, uh..."

"...feel anything?" He finishes your sentence yet again, letting out a light chuckle. You're pretty sure that's the first time you hear him laugh for real. No matter how small it is, it's still a genuine, non-ill-mannered laugh, and it sounds wonderful.

You don't know what he feels at the moment, but you'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't feel a certain warmth spreading from your chest through to the tips of your fingers.

"I don't know exactly what I feel yet," you tell him honestly. "A-And I don't know what we're supposed to do now—"

"Me either- I mean, I-I don't know what to feel," he admits as his hand slides over to yours. What he really means is that he's conflicted by what he feels, and what he thinks he ought to feel— a constant struggle of his. "So, what now?"

His eyes meet yours, his grey orbs locking you in place. You take notice of one strand of hair he missed. It hangs over his forehead and it takes all of your remaining will power not to reach forward and put back in its place.

"I could push you off the Astronomy Tower," you chuckle in a lighthearted tone, returning to the type of thing you would normally say to each other. His lips pinch into a small fake scowl before he graces you with another genuine laugh that makes your heart flutter.

"Or... we could give it another try..." he suggests, raising an eyebrow playfully. "Just to be sure..."

"Yeah, just to be sure," you repeat, and the words have barely just left your mouth before Draco crashes his lips onto yours again.

[brianprobablywill]

I’m on my period, been suffering a lot, Always had terrible cramps, can hardly walk,horrible cravings (especially when Im in a diet, like now), my breasts become super sensible and I’m constantly crying and in pain. Not to mention It usually takes a whole week and I have to change at least 5 times in a day during the first 3 days because of how strong my flow is. So I wanted to know if you could write something where the reader lives in the same hell in earth I do and Ben just comforting her

oh, sweetie, that sounds really horrible! i hope you feel better asap!!

you always had to work from home when you were on your period. thankfully, the place where you worked were lenient about that and let you take as many work-from-home days as you liked, as long as you got the work done.

it was still very difficult to work. it hurt to move, it hurt to walk; it was miserable.

you were sipping on some hot tea, trying to get some work done through the pain when you get a phone call.

(thankfully the phone was right next to you, because you were prepared to ignore the call if your phone was more than two steps away from you)

it was your boyfriend ben, whom you’d been dating for a few of months.

he’d always been away at work when you had your period, though, so it never came to him giving you a call - or even meeting - when you were on your period.

but you answer the phone after taking a few deep breaths, trying not to let it show that you aren’t doing well, “hey, ben.”

“hi, sweetie,” he says happily, “you’re working from home today, aren’t you?” he continues when you hum affirmatively, “i was thinking i could come over for lunch.”

you let out a sharp breath through your mouth, not wanting ben to see you in this state.

“are you okay?” he asks, clearly concerned.

“yeah, i’ve just got a lot of work,” you try to laugh, managing to sit up straight, eyes screwed shut. 

“well, pretend i’m not there! just work. i’d be happy to watch you.” you could tell he sounds really excited at the prospect of seeing you.

you give in, but not before telling ben. “i’m just…” ben encourages you to go on. “i’m not doing too good.” you feel tears in your eyes, the pain unbearable. “i’m on my period, and i have to get work done, and my place is a mess and i -”

“oh, hon,” ben says softly, cutting you off effectively. you hear shuffling on his side of the call. “don’t worry at all, i’ll be there as soon as i can. and uh-uh, i don’t want to hear any arguing. i am coming.” ben says, “do you need anything?”

you sigh, pressing two fingers to the bridge of your nose. “would it be too much to ask you to get tampons?”

“not at all,” ben says, and you know he was smiling when he said it. you end the call soon, telling him that you did actually have to do all those things. 

ben shows up soon enough, letting himself in with the key you’d given him a few weeks ago.  

you see him walking into your living room, arms absolutely laden with things. he smiles wide when he sees you, walking over to the couch and dropping all the stuff down on it. 

what you don’t see is four tiny paws, scuttling around your living room. when you see frankie’s fluffy face run towards you, you break into a smile, extremely happy to see ben’s dog.

ben laughs at the two of you. “frankie always manages to make anyone��s day better. she’s special like that.”

he joins you on the floor, pulling you into a hug after giving you a longing kiss. “are you feeling any better?”

“no,” you say, shaking your head. frankie drops her head in your lap, settling down.

ben cocks his head adoringly, pulling away. “well, lucky for you, i’m here now!” he grins wide, and just looking at him in this happy state was making you feel slightly better.

ben made you some hot chocolate, topping it up with an ungodly amount of marshmallows. he put some of the whipped cream onto your nose, making you giggle.

he cleans your place for you, some soft tunes playing from his phone. he came to replace the water in the hot water bag he’d gotten for you from his house.

frankie sleeps next to you the entire time you’re busy with work, finding purchase at your side.

he also makes lunch, your favourite sticky rice with curry, complete with a glass of red wine. 

“i’d feed it to you since you have to much work to do, but i sincerely think you need a break, sweetheart.”

“you could feed it to me anyway.”

ben talks to you all through lunch, getting your mind off the pain.

he stays with you all through the day, finally having to make dinner too.

at the end of the day, he cuddles with you on the couch, ice cream tubs in hand.

“thank you for today, ben. you really made it better.”

“anything for you, my love.”

taglist: @lv7867 @multifangirl17 @calaofnoldor

send me headcanon/concept/imagine requests!

[hey-hey-chan]

Grincherella - Chan

❀ Comedy/fluff/romance with a dash of angst (Cinderella AU)

❀ Word count: 9, 284 

❀ It is THAT time of year again, yes, Christmas season and y/n seems to hate everything and anyone who talks about it. Once she is forced to attending a Christmas party, she is forced to sing, onstage, with the cute boy in her psych class. But the thing is: he doesn’t recognize her. Will she finally let go of her troubled past and present or will she let her insecurities haunt her forever?

❀ A/N: ummmm a mix between Cinderella and High School Musical ? idk what i was thinking but i felt nostalgic i guess .,,, this is the longest fic i’ve EVER written pLEASE dont let this flop AHAHAHA /sweats/ but i also feel bad for making u sit through 9k words /sweats again/ so do what u want i guess

P.S I LOVE YOU ALL! this is a treat for you guys who have been missing my writing!! now im on break so im back in the game !! 

---------

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” I suddenly got a puff of snow to the face, which made me crinkle my red nose in disgust. “Y/N!!” I slammed my book shut and glared at the boy.

“What?” Jisung giggled and sat on the bench next to me. 

“It’s funny.” 

“What’s so funny about throwing wet snow in someone’s face when they’re trying to read.” I pointed at my book exaggeratedly, a signal for him to leave. He didn’t take it. 

Jisung fixed his scarf, making sure it knocked into my face as usual. He then proceeded to scooch closer to me, which was the final line. “Jisung? What’s your deal? What do you want?” I finally caved. The boy only came to me when he is bored, wants him, or is bored; all in that order. Don’t get me wrong, he was my best friend, but sometimes I just wanted to punch him in the face. 

He chuckled and kicked his feet in the snow. I noted they were adorned with new black snow boots. “I don’t know, I’m just in the Christmas spirit I guess.” I crinkled my nose. “Oh c’mon, I still don’t get why you don’t like Christmas so much. That’s like... illegal.” I rolled my eyes at his exaggeration. 

“Just ‘cause everyone else likes it, doesn’t mean I have to.” I slammed my book shut and looked at the boy in the eyes. “So, it would be great if you would stop pestering me about it because you’re not going to change my mind.”

I got up from the bench and started to walk off to my next class, already starting my day off feeling irritated. 

It wasn’t like I hated Christmas, I just hated when people started to be fake because of is. Kids would act nicer to their parents and relatives to get more money and loot for the winter, but return to the devilish children they are when January rolls around. Cuffing season starts and then couples start to pop up, only for the intent of getting gifts and a “cute” Christmas romance for the holidays. Then, their forced relationship ends. Everything about this season was fake, fake, and more fake. 

And I like real. 

I stopped by a coffee shop and ordered my usual drink: black coffee. It tasted bitter, but I liked the harsh taste of it. It woke me up. 

I walked into my early psychology class and took a seat at the back, my usual spot. I immediately was greeted to the group of loud and rambunctious students who sat in the front row. I groaned internally but simply leaned back in my chair and plugged in my earbuds. 

Suddenly, I felt a presence beside me and out of reflex, I took my earbuds out.

“Good morning, y/n.” I immediately smiled at his cheeky voice.

“Morning, Chan.” The light haired boy frowned and gave me the famous dimple that killed all the girls on campus. Besides me of course. 

“Aw, not even a good in front of that? Now how am I supposed to know what kind of morning I should have?” He pouted, tugging off his scarf and beanie since the room we were in was overly heated. 

I scoffed and shook my head. “What’s so good about it, dude? Our final is today and I feel like death himself.” I joked. It was true, our final was today, and yes, I felt horrible, but even I couldn’t help myself from feeling giddy about the end of the year. 

Chan smile and leaned closer to my desk. “Aw c’mon, y/n, it’s almost Chris-” 

I groaned and made a motion to put my earbuds back in. “I swear to God, if I hear one more person talk bout Christmas, I’m going to explode.” I sighed. Chan broke out into cheerful laughter, like he always does, and shook his head at my reaction.

“You know, you’re the only person I’ve ever met who hates Christmas so much. How can you hate it?? Everyone’s in a better mood, everyone’s in a relationship so you don’t have to run away from boys anymore-” He nudged me jokingly while I rolled my eyes. “And plus, you love peppermint.” 

I nodded, affirming he made a good point. “Ok, you’re right, I do love peppermint.” He was about to give me the cheekiest smile but I cut him off. “BUT, I hate that everyone is so happy this season when I swear everyone looked like they were about to cut me in half in the other 11 months. Plus, my devil for step siblings are shitloads nicer in December but once it hits New Years, all of a sudden they’re stealing my stuff again and pretending to be each other, ‘cause you know...”

“Twins.” He finished my sentence. I nodded and fiddled with my necklace. 

I’ll admit, ever since my dad got remarried, it had never been the same. It’s not like I hated my step mom... all the time... but she wasn’t mom. My mom had always treated me like an adult, even when I wasn’t. I had matured faster than all the kids in my grade, and always had felt like an old soul compared to everyone else. 

Mom used to let me have a sip of her eggnog, that had a little bit of burbon in it, and it wasn’t a big deal. But in my stepmom’s house, it wasn’t allowed, neither was running up the stairs or listening to the music while walking because I could “trip”. I had the same rules as her children, and it was irritating at times. Ok all the time. 

“Hm, well I hope that some day a person will change that for you.” Chan said melodramatically. I chuckled comfortingly, but I knew that would never happen. No one could do Christmas like my mom. 

“Just like how Chaeyoung did that for you?” I teased. His pale cheeks turned a soft red color, blending into his red sweated. I laughed even harder. “Oh come on, you cannot still be embarrassed about your girlfriend, you’ve been dating for a month now.”

Chan tsked and slumped back in his chair. “See, you said two completely different things. Chaeyoung is not my girlfriend, but we are dating. Different. People who have dated someone can understand the difference.” He teased. Usually that would offend people, but I let the insult roll off my back. 

“You act like it’s a bad thing I’ve never dated, it’s normal, weirdo. Also, I know you Chan, and I know that you’re a hopeless romantic who just started ‘dating’ someone because it’s cuffing season and you want someone to hold your hand in the snow at night.” I spat back. 

Before he could say anything, the teacher walked in, signaling the start of the final. I got out my number 2 pencils and gave a thumbs up to Chan.

“Good luck.” I whispered.

“Break a leg.” 

------

“Finally!!” I screamed into my house when I got home. Finals season was officially over and winter break had commenced. I flung my backpack into my room and plopped down on my bed. My back had ached from carry my backpack around everywhere and from the unneeded stress from school. It was finally time to relax. 

Suddenly, I heard a slight buzz to my left. I groaned and looked at the text message. 

It was from my stepmom, saying ‘will be home late today, theres some shrimp in the fridge, u can make pasta’. 

Well, that was a long vacation. 

I rolled out of bed and threw on a flannel, ready to cook some pasta. It wasn’t hard, but I just hated deshelling shrimp. It was time consuming, even though shrimp was one of my favorite foods, I would rather someone else cook it for me to be honest. 

After I cleaned the shrimp, I got out the pasta, preparing all my ingredients before I had to start actually cooking something. But before I could do that, I heard my phone ring. 

I rolled my eyes at the caller ID: Han Jisung, aka, Han Solo in my phone. 

“What.” I answered. 

“So....” He paused. I rolled my eyes

“Jisung, I’m cooking dinner, just get on with it.” I heard rustling in the back ground, which meant he was laying down in bed. Lucky him.

“Fine, fine, so, you know how I’m going to that holiday party thing tomorrow that’s for like 3 days and 2 nights right?” I nodded, but realized he couldn’t see me.

“Yup, why, you need me to watch Pepper?” 

“Nope, my sister said she can take him for the days I’m gone, but anyways, my friend, he really needs a date and he-” 

“Jisung, no-” 

“Ok, so I already knew you would say no, so I already said ye-” 

“YOU DID WHAT?” I screamed into the phone. 

I could feel my heart beat pick up in panic and I had to set down my phone to calm down. “Ok, ok y/n, I know what you’re thinking and I’m really sorry but-” 

“No you’re not Jisung, you love this don’t you? UGH, why do you always have to set me up with people?” I felt whiny but I couldn’t help myself. I hated when anyone, especially Jisung, tried to set me up on dates. They always ended terribly where either I, or the dude, was awkward or the thing just never clicked. 

Most of the dudes weren’t even friend material for me, it was a terrifying experience. 

“Ok, but look, this time, the dude is really a good guy. He’s funny, talkative, charming, attractive, good at singing-” 

“Oh then why don’t you just date him?” I mocked. Jisung made a whiny noise and said “Y/n, please, you know I’m already going with Naeun, I made a commitment!” 

I stared at the bowl of dead shrimp, wishing I could be that chill for one day. “God Jisung, you know how uncomfortable this makes me, why would you do this?” I finally said after a long time of silence. 

He sighed and I knew he truly felt guilty. “Ok, I swear I’m really, really sorry. But this time, I think this guy is at least a good friend match for you. Plus, he’s my friend, so he’s got to be a good friend for you, right??” 

“Please y/n? I’ll make it up to you I promise!” 

I tapped my foot rapidly, trying to make a decision quickly.

“Jisung, even if I say yes, my stepmom is a whole nother story. I need to watch the twins, remember?” 

Jisung sighed like he had forgot I had siblings. I guess it was even a new thing for me sometimes, even though it had been seven years. 

“Ok, fine, if she says yes, are you game?” 

“Game.” I muttered. He squealed in delight. “But don’t think I’m not mad at you, ok? I’m still mad.” I pouted, even though I couldn’t really be mad at him when I had just finished finals. My world seemed like it was so much calmer now, yet it never got exciting in the first place. 

“Ok, ok, I’ll make it up to you, all of it! It’ll be great, we’ll have so much fun! AAAH!” 

I hung up the phone before he could convince me to do anything else. I sighed, opening the box of pasta.

“What have I gotten myself into?” 

-----------

Once I was done with the pasta, I heard the door unlock, soon followed by rambunctious screaming and yelling.

“Heeyoung!! I can’t believe you asked Jake for his number, I called dibs first!” 

“Oh shut up, he was way into me anyways.” 

Suddenly, I heard some sort of wrestling on the ground. 

“Girls, girls, c’mon now, you both can have Jake! Remember, if you guys behave, then I’ll get you two new phones.” At the mention of a new phone, the girls both shut up immediately. 

The girls were twelve years old now as Hanna, my stepmom, already had them with her previous marriage. At 12, I never remembered being so spoiled and entitled, it was disturbing to say the least. 

“Oh, y/n, is dinner done?” She said like she just noticed my presence. I nodded and flicked off the stove. 

“Yup, just finished cooking, you guys eat first, I’m not hungry.” I lied. I was starving, but I hated eating with them and I knew they would rather eat with my as well. That’s just how things worked in this household. 

“Ok, you go upstairs then.” Hanna’s attention then turned to her girls who were trying their hardest to not tear out each other’s hair. It was hilarious and sad all the same time. 

Before I could go upstairs, I heard the doorbell ring, which meant Jisung was here. 

“It’s Jisung!” I called out to the table and they didn’t really pay me any attention besides the two girls who were giggling. Yes, I knew they had a crush on Jisung. Yes, it was weird. 

I threw the door open and saw the boy all bundled up in his bright white winter jacket. I raised a brow. “You’re really gonna-”

Before I could finish, he walked into the house and went right up to my mom, who adored him, only because Jisung was rich, funny, nice, and good looking. 

“Jisung! You’re here, oh gosh, did you have dinner? I made dinner, go ahead and have some.” I wanted to correct her lie, but it would do nothing except make me feel awkward. Jisung raised a brow at me but said nothing either.

“Oh no thank you, I just had dinner at my house. But, I just came over to ask you a very important question, Hanna.” I could tell my stepmom loved the attention and was already blushing. God, I hate Jisung and love him all at the same time. 

“Of course, darling.” She cooed at him, her botox hindering her from smiling widely. 

Jisung smiled and brushed his hair out of his face. “So, there was this little get-together thing that I wanted to bring y/n to, and it’s only for a couple nights and-” 

Hanna shook her head and set her fork down loudly. “Jisung, honey, you cannot ask for stuff like that. I like you a lot but you know y/n needs to stay home and watch the girls. I work and can’t be tied down all day.” 

Jisung feigned sadness, which I knew hit some pity points for Hanna. “Hanna, please, it’s a holiday party and-” 

Hanna scoffed. “Ok, we both know y/n hates anything Christmas, she’s the grinch in girl form.” 

“Ok, yes, but she promised me she would go because it won’t just be about Christmas, but about meeting new people, and hanging out in a nice lodge. So please, can she go, only for a few nights?” 

I felt my heart thump rapidly, for some reason, hoping she’ll say yes. I shook away the thought as quickly as it came; I hated Christmas and the snow and the mountains, which is what I would be facing if I went to this party.

“Well...” 

Everyone’s ears peaked up to hear her answer.

“Well, y/n shouldn’t make promises she can’t keep.” Hanna continued to down her dinner and Jisung turned his head to shake his head in failure. I smirked and shrugged my shoulders. 

“Sorry Jisung, it’s just that me and the girls are going to this huge Christmas party tomorrow night as well and I need someone to watch the dog. You know how they get.” Hanna lied lamely and took a bite of shrimp, that was her favorite food as well. “But that’s ok, y/n hates Christmas anyways, I’m sure you can make cooler and better friends at the party anyways.” 

Five years ago, those words would’ve hurt me, but now they were just annoying. I couldn’t wait til I finished college and didn’t have to depend on her for college tuition. I wasn’t like the normal girls in the fairytales; I wasn’t exceptionally smart and heading to Princeton or an amazing dancer like Selena Gomez, I was just... me. 

Jisung didn’t stick around to hear her annoying jabber and made up some excuse. “Well, my mom is expecting me home and I need to pack me for my trip. It was nice seeing you guys.” The all waved to him as I just shrugged at him as he left. He looked defeated in the moment, but with the evil glint in his eyes, I could tell this wasn’t over. 

------

“Don’t forget to feed Princess!! She needs some real food too so just cook her some fried rice, ok!?” 

“OK!” The door shut loudly, signaling I finally had the house to myself. 

I covered my mouth with a yawn, feeling warm and cozy in my flannel pajamas. My hair was tied loosely into two braids. 

“Thank God I don’t have to go out tonight,” I whispered to myself. I felt bad that Jisung had to go to this event by himself since his girlfriend was going with a group of friends. But I didn’t feel bad enough to go. 

I pulled out my guitar and started to strum lightly on the strings. I never could play and sing when they were home; the twins always complained about my music being too loud when they were studying, even though they never studied. 

“All I hear is raindrops

 Falling on the rooftop 

Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go 

Cause this pain I feel 

It wont go away 

And today I’m officially missing you”

I gently strummed the strings on my guitar, feeling the groove of the music. 

Breaking my magic, I heard my phone buzz. I set my guitar down on my bed and looked at my phone. 

‘open your window’ -jisung

I scoffed and popped open my window and somehow, Jisung jumped inside my room. That’s what I get for not chopping down that humongous tree I guess.

“Jisung... what the hell are you doing here?” I finally asked in confusion. “You’re gonna be late to the party.” I deadpanned slowly. Jisung shrugged off all the snow on his body, leaving my carpet wet. He was dressed with raggedly clothes and a black mask over his face. Of course he would go as a ninja. For some reason, the party planner decided that the ball should be a Christmas costume party... interesting. 

“HEY, asshole, what do you-”

“You know, I love hearing you sing, why don’t you do it in front of-.” My cheeks were now as red as cherries from the anger and compliment. 

“Jisung, what are you doing here?” He shrugged and adjusted his mask.

“Well, um, so we are gonna go to that party.”

I paused at his words and stared at him in silence. 

“No... I’m not going because you couldn’t convince Hanna. Done deal, bye!” I tried to shove him out, but obviously I wasn’t strong enough. 

“Y/n, y/n, listen, listen.” I crossed my arms at the desperation in his voice. “The girls and Hanna are all gone tonight, and probably tomorrow morning-”

“Jisung, they’re coming home at one am, and it takes an hour to just get to the location of your party, and maybe even longer in the snow. I’m not gonna risk it.” I walked away from him, hoping he wouldn’t follow. 

“Y/n, for Pete’s sake, you never do anything bad or even a little rebellious. You stick to rules and you stick to routine, and yes, I know it’s ‘cause of your mom-”

“She’s not my mom.”

“Right, sorry, I mean Hanna, she controls you but she’s finally not here! That’s gotta be a sign, right??” He spoke with such a desperation that I almost felt sorry for him, and myself, but what could I do? I was stuck here until she came back!

“Jisung, really, I can’t just sneak out, what if she catches me? There goes my college tuition and I can’t even finish college and become a choir teacher like I’ve always wanted. It’s just... I don’t wanna risk it.” I said lamely. 

For a few moments, Jisung was silent, which was extremely rare. He sat on my bed, making it creak slightly. I felt like the atmosphere was tense, even though I didn’t know why. 

“I just... you never take chances y/n, the party is gonna be amazing and all I want is my best friend there.” I sighed and patted him on the head. 

“Jisung, I’m not Cinderella, I can’t sneak out of the house and get back before one.” At those words, he shot up and stared at me.

“You know what? If Cinderella can do it, we can! We can just leave the party at midnight and then we’ll make it home before one, I swear on it. It’s not like the road is crowded when it’s that late anyways.”

I laid in bed, the plan not sounding too bad when he said it that way.I tried to protest, but I had little fight left since he was making such a good argument. 

“I don’t even have a costume.” I mumbled lamely. He raised a brow and gave me his signature smirk. “Oh what this time, Jisung?” 

-----

Before I could comprehend what we were doing, we were sorting through my closet and dug out something I never thought I would be pulling out. 

“Really, my mom’s wedding dress... why.” I spoke, but I was quite breathless. I couldn’t imagine wearing something so beautiful. 

Jisung shook the top off the box and shrugged. “It’s perfect for the winter and perfect for a costume as well. You know your mom, she loved...”

I smiled sadly. “Yeah, she loved winter and Christmas.” I mumbled quietly, but I lost my voice once I saw the dress. I covered my mouth and pulled out the outfit. 

“You’re trying that on now.” Jisung yelped. 

I took my time trying on the dress; as I stared at myself in the mirror, I was astonished by the detailing.

It was a beautiful, pale white dress that was adorned in glitter and sparkles. There were small flowers which resembled snowflakes that fell over the poofy skirt. The cut wasn’t too low, but wasn’t too high either. The sleeves were decked out in glitter, and somehow, it fit me perfectly.

“Y/n, we don’t have all day now!” I hurried up and walked out. As he caught sight of me, he dropped my phone. “Damn, you look so much like your mom.” He whispered. Jisung was one of my only friends who had known me when my mom was still alive and that’s probably why he was still friends with me, because I wasn’t the nicest person after she passed. 

“Ok, hurry up, Grincherella, we’re getting in the car.” 

-------

This was the most fun I’d ever had. We were jamming out to classics in the car and not caring who were waking up. 

Jisung turned down the music and shouted to tell me something.

“Oh yeah, that guy who I sold you out too? He doesn’t need a date anymore, I felt really bad so I told him you weren’t looking for a serious date and he said he’d rather go alone anyways. So now we get to party together, WOOP!” He shouted turned up the music again. I almost forgot about my so-called date and now I was happy I didn’t have one. I could just hide in the corner and eat all the food they had.

Soon, we arrived at the venue, and I couldn’t even hide that it was beautiful. There was a fountain up front that was decked out in Christmas decor. There was a machine that projected snowflakes on the building that made the snow around us stand out. And also, it was huge. 

“Oh shit.” Jisung suddenly said. I turned to him in surprise.

“What??” 

“I forgot a mask for you.” He mumbled. I shrugged. 

“That’s fine, I don’t really need one.” I noted. He glared at me. 

“That’s a lie, hold on, lemme pull out my party box.” I was about to question what that was until the boy pulled out a box from the back seat and started to rummage through it. “YES!” He said pulling out a black mask that was lacey and probably too beautiful for me to wear. “Ok, it’s not white like I wanted it to be, but... hmhmmh hold on.” 

I groaned as he pulled out a paintbrush and some white paint and glitter. “Hold still.” Before I could question him, he put on my mask and started to draw white swiggle lines from the mask and out. He layered silver glitter on me and brushed some glitter all around my face and neck. 

“I love being friends with an art major.” He let out a chuckle and threw the art stuff in the box. 

“You look hot, I hope you get laid tonight or else this all will be in vain.” I rolled my eyes.

“Please, I’d be lucky to even get someone to stare at me.” Jisung laughed and helped me out of the car. The cold air hit my arms, making them erupt with goosebumps. 

“Oh they’ll be staring all right. Now c’mon!” 

-----

If the outside was already wild, the inside was even crazier. Music was blaring through the speakers, people were grinding on each other and I’m sure some people were blatantly just making out. This is why I never leave my house.

“C’mon grinch, at least look alive.” I rolled my eyes and tried to hide myself as stares started to come my way. “Don’t look so nervous, they’re looking ‘cause you’re h o t.” I slapped his arm and chuckled, feeling nervous at all the attention.

Before the two of us could get far, I felt Jisung being pulled away from me. 

“JISUNG! Baby!” I looked to my side and saw all of Jisung’s friends. Naeun had pulled him into a deep kiss, one that I felt awkward to look at. 

“Oh hey, y/n, you look so pretty!” Naeun greeted happily, opening her arms for a hug. Honestly, I never liked the girl, but she was a good fake nice I guess. I smiled widely at her and hugged her back. 

“You look stunning as well!” I exclaimed. “All of you guys look really cool.” I complimented to the entire group. 

“You look hot too, y/n, who knew you could dress up so well?” One of the boys exclaimed, making me feel a bit embarrassed. Jisung rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, let’s go get some drinks.” As they all went to get drinks, I pulled Jisung back. 

“No drinks until after you’re back at the party, I am not going to die or kill anybody when sitting in a car with you, got it?” The boy nodded and gulped, knowing I would actually run over him if he drove under the influence. 

The rest of the night moved by slowly, until the party started to pick up at 11. 

“OK GUYS, EVERYBODY ON THE DANCE FLOOR!” A crowd of people started to swarm into the middle of the venue, making me feel restricted and uncomfortable. In the corner of my eye, I saw Naeun pull Jisung into the crowd, leaving me to fend for myself. 

Great, I expected this. 

I immediately stepped back and found a way out of the crowd and ending up in the corner, like I had imagined. 

“Stupid Jisung, forcing me to come out here.” I pulled out my phone that showed I only had 30 minutes left. Suddenly, the DJ stopped played music and another due stepped on the stage. 

“Ok people, so tonight, like usual, it’s our annual karaoke night! Since most people hate singing in front of people, it’s best that we have our costumes on tonight am I right?!” The crowed screamed and whooped. It was a gigantic crowd, probably the most people I’ve seen together in my entire life. Ok that’s a lie but still. 

I drowned out the rest of the yelling and went back to my phone, mindlessly watching food videos online until someone had sat next to me. I tried to ignore the person, but he kept getting closer and closer, and me? I got further and further.

“Hi.” The dude stated. I looked over to him and noticed he was dressed as a mummy. Clever. Not. 

“Um, hi.” I said to not be rude. I shouldn’t assume he was hitting on me, maybe he just wanted to be friends.

“You’re beautiful, what is a girl like you sitting here alone?” Ok scratch that precious thought. I rolled my eyes and scooted away. 

“’Cause I want to?” I spat back. Before the creepy guy could advance even more, the strobe lights started to go crazy. 

“SO PEOPLE! Who wants to sing first?!” Numerous people were screaming and others were shoving their friends forward. I somewhat enjoyed the multiple people becoming targets. 

“ME ME!” I heard being screamed louder than anyone else. I watched as a blonde haired boy jumped onstage. His back was facing my side, but I could tell he was dressed as Prince Charming. 

“Well, Chan, isn’t it time we’ve seen you again?” Chan and the MC hugged.

Wait... Chan ...

My heart raced faster at the realization when the boy turned around. He had a white mask over the top of his face, but I could recognize that face anymore. 

“Oh shit.” 

“For those who don’t know, Chan is the best singer we have here and he’s here every year, what a guy! Without him, most of the girls wouldn’t even show up AHAHAHA” The MC laughed loudly into the mic and I flinched back to cover my ears. 

Suddenly, Chan’s eyes danced across mine, giving me a mini heart attack. I locked eyes with him, unsure of what I wanted him to do. After a few moments, he just looked away, making the whole interaction anti-climatic. 

Wow, he doesn’t recognize me.

I felt part relief that he wouldn’t make me in a wedding dress and attending a holiday party a big deal. But part sadness that a person I considered my friend couldn’t even recognize me when I was dressed as something else. 

“Well, let’s stop the chatter and get this party started! You know how it goes, you start with a duet first to break the ice!” The crowd oohed and awed while I just wanted the clock to hit midnight as soon as possible. 

“So what’s gonna happen is that this light.” The MC pointed to a giant yellow light that seemed quite intimidating. “Is going to land on one of you lucky people who is going to get to sing with Chan, ok? Everyone excited??” Screams erupted even though I knew someone who was probably a crappy singer would get picked. 90% of these people were drunk and the other 10% were drunk AND high.

Suddenly, the light started to wave everywhere, blinding everyone’s eyes. 

“Chan, you get the honor of yelling stop!” Chan took the mic gladly and closed his eyes. Typical Chan. 

Before I could take off running, the light landed right on my face, warming my entire body from head to toe. 

“STOP!” He yelled loudly. I felt my vision blur as everyone in the room turned and looked at me. 

Fuck, shit, fuck.

“Wow, lucky Chan, choosing his Cinderella for a partner! C’mon up here, miss!” I felt my heart throb immensely as I forced myself to stand. Ok, I’m just gonna run it’s fine-

Suddenly, a group of people started to usher me to the stage, which I started to protest, but it was no use. I wobbled up on stage and tried to not look at the looming crowd.

“Well, well, aren’t you two the perfect couple? You even have matching outfits!” I glanced over to Chan shyly, and avoided all eye contact. Still, even standing so close, he couldn’t tell who I was. I guess I had never dressed up or put on makeup, and I had tons of detailing on my face so whatever.

“So, what song do you want to sing?” The MC asked me. I grew nervous, as I hadn’t chosen a song.

I turned to Chan and gestured for him to choose. Chan gave me a small smile. 

“Sorry, the guest has to choose, but whatever you choose is fine with me.” I felt my face blush with his words and I was suddenly thankful I had a mask on. I felt more empowered with it on as no one would know who I was. Except for Jisung and his friends of course. Oh shit, I wonder how Jisung is reacting to this. 

“Um, ok, h-how about... Rewrite the Stars?” 

The MC clapped his hands and suddenly music started to gear up. I felt my palms get sweaty and my dress started to feel too big for my small pride. The lights dimmed and the venue turned dark, probably for dramatic effect. If I knew that this happened at these events, I would have not have gone. But it’s too late now. 

“You can do it!” I heard from the audience. I almost smiled at Jisung’s yell, but I was too nervous for that. 

The spotlight focused on Chan, making him look more ethereal than before. 

“You know I want you. It’s not a secret I try to hide.” I heard Chan’s voice fill the room, melting the heart’s of all the girls around us.

I knew Chan had an amazing voice, but with him staring right at me while he was singing was a little too intense for me. I smiled gently as his singing, but then he sang the next line to the audience, which showed he knew how to own the stage. The embellishments on his shoulders dazzled in the light, making his shoulders look broader than usual. 

“it’s up to you, and it's up to me No one can say what we get to be So why don't we rewrite the stars? Maybe the world could be ours Tonight.”

Shit, shit, it’s my turn real soon. 

My brain turned off and I only reacted on instinct now. My palms drenched the mic and made my grip tighter, but still slippery. I closed my eyes at the light focused on me and opened my mouth.

“You think it’s easy, you think I don’t wanna run to you?” The first note was shaky, yet filled with more composure than I imagined. 

“But there are mountains, and there are doors that we can’t walk through.” Slowly, I opened my eyes and turned, finally gaining confidence. I stared at Chan who was already watching me with steady eyes. 

Soon, it came to the duet, 

“All I want is to fly with you All I want is to fall with you So just give me all of you”

“It’s feels impossible.”

“It’s not impossible”

“Is it impossible?”

“Say that it’s possible?” Our voices blended smoother than expected, making the crowd ooh and ah. I couldn’t deny that I felt the connection too as he made his way over to me, getting into the song. 

I felt him grab my hand,

“No one can say what we get to be Why don't we rewrite the stars? Changing the world to be ours”

I could hear his breathing so closely. His palm was quiet sweaty from holding the mic, but our hands felt so perfect together. 

Finally, I ended the song,

“You know I want you It's not a secret I try to hide”

I let go of his hand for dramatic effect, 

“But I can't have you We're bound to break and My hands are tied”

The lights turned black, and then right back on when cheers and clapping started to erupt. Once the lights turned back on, I felt the anxiety ride in my stomach again. 

We were still about 10 inches apart from each other. Chan’s eyes were stuck on me; the intensity was almost enough to cut right through me. 

He looked stunning in the dim light; his blonde hair was neatly done and his face was shiny from all the sweat, but he still looked beautiful. 

Damn, what am I thinking? I thought. 

Suddenly, he cracked a smile. “Hey, you’re a really amazing singer... but you also sound quite familiar. Have we ever met?” I smelt the alcohol on his breath, making me crinkle my nose in disgust. 

My heart pounded as I thought of answers to say. 

“Uhh, um, no? Not that I remember.” 

I saw his famous dimple splash onto his face, which sent butterflies in my stomach. What the hell am I feeling-

I saw him lick his lips and peer above us. I raised a brow and followed his stare. The crowd started whooping and hollering as our eyes landed at the thing hovering above us.

“Huh, mistletoe.” I felt my heart thump in anticipation as he leaned much closer to me. “Is this ok?” He whispered against my lips. I answered him by finally connecting out lips. 

Suddenly, the rest of the crowd disappeared and it was just us. 

Just me and Chan.

He pressed deeper into me, letting me taste the alcohol on his lips. I tried to not focus on the alcohol, letting myself fall deeply into the kiss. He pulled away slowly, confusing me. 

Gently, he made a move to take off my mask. Hypnotized by how close he was, I couldn’t move until I felt my phone buzz. We both flinched back at the loud alarm. 

It was midnight. 

Meaning it was time to go. 

“Um, I’m so sorry, I have to go!” I ran down the stage, not looking back, even when he yelled “WAIT!” I could NOT be late to getting home.

I ran towards the entrance and saw Jisung already there. His eyes widened.

“We are going to have a long talk, but let’s go!” I turned back, big mistake, and saw Chan looking for me. I pushed Jisung out the door in a hurry and we both started to run towards the car.

“So, uh, wanna tell me what the fuck was that?!” Jisung panted as he got into the car and immediately started the engine.

“Jisung, I wish I could say but I HAVE NO CLUE.” I emphasized. I tossed off my mask as the thing was starting to itch like hell. 

Jisung groaned and started the car. “So are we just gonna ignore how you made out with one of my friends on stage?” I turned to him with wide eyes. 

“Wait, did you just say that Chan was one of your friends?” Jisung rolled his eyes.

“Yes, I did. We’ve known each other for years, he’s Changbin’s older cousin and we hang out like all the time. How the hell do you know Chan? ‘Cause no way would you let a stranger make out with you on stage, even if he was hot.” I gulped and shook my head in disbelief.

“We were in the same psychology class and we sit, sat, next to each other.” I mumbled. I fiddled with my hair nervously, unsure of where our relationship stood now. Oh wait, he doesn’t even know that was you, you’re still just classmates., ex classmates.  “And he didn’t recognize me, so I’m just going to forget this ever happened.” 

Jisung scoffed. “Oh hell no, that was the most intense thing I’ve ever seen you do. You’re an amazing singer, y/n, I don’t know why you hide it all the time. Plus, you had SO much sexual tension on stage.” I slapped his arm as he cackled. “You know why this is so funny?” I shook my head as he continued “it’s hilarious because Chan was the dude I was going to set you up with but cancelled.” 

Suddenly, all the thoughts flooded back to me. 

“Oh my god, that was Chan? Oh shit, wait, that means him and Chaeyoung aren’t seeing each other anymore?” Then I realized, I had kissed Chan, knowing he was dating someone else. But I guess I forgot. But how could I have forgotten that? “Fuck, I didn’t know that Jisung, that means I kissed him and he could have been dating Chaeyoung! I am a terrible person.” I screamed into my dress. Jisung sighed and shoved me slightly to knock some sense into me. 

“Jesus Christ, y/n, it’s fine! They were never serious and Chaeyoung wasn’t that into him anyways, she was dating other people without Chan knowing, that’s why they broke up. You know Chan, hopeless romantic, he was devastated either way.” I closed my eyes in anger. Jisung was terrible at making things better. But I couldn’t focus on whatever their relationship was right now when such an intense thing happened.

“Well, it’s whatever anyways. He didn’t know it was me and in his eyes, that’s the last time he’ll ever see me again. And technically it is the last time I’ll see him because we don’t have a class together anymore. It’s done, over.” I said turning up the radio, but Jisung turned it back down. 

“Y/n, you cannot just ignore this! He was so into you!” I shook my head. 

“He doesn’t even know me! It’s whatever Jisung, he’ll probably forget about it the next day or give up some time over another. This conversation is over.” I made a statement by turning up the radio, the conversation truly ending this time.

-----

The days went by so slowly. My thoughts couldn’t help but constantly be surrounded by Chan, thinking about what he was doing, if he still was pining over me. 

*ding dong*

I heard my doorbell ring unexpectedly, making me jump out of my bed quickly. I pulled a hoodie over my tanktop and walked downstairs. Weird, I wasn’t expecting anybody. 

I pulled open the door, “hello-”

My heart stopped and so did everything else around me as I looked at the person standing at the door.

“Oh my god?? y/n??” Chan exclaimed, going in for that weird dude hand shake. I patted him on the back and pulled away, feigning a happy surprise.

“Wow, um, what are you doing here Chan?” I exclaimed. He was wearing a turtleneck with a long jacket, my favorite outfit on him.

“Jisung sent me here saying that I needed to pick up something?” I rolled my eyes and closed the door, letting him into my house. Weird. 

“Yeah, um, follow me.” I walked to the kitchen with him behind me and picked up the baggie of peppermint bark. I placed it in Chan’s hands while he looked at me with confused eyes. “It’s his dad’s favorite and Jisung asks me to make it every year and on his dad’s birthday because his dad likes mine the most. Of course his dad thinks Jisung makes it, but whatever makes him happy.” I shrugged.

Chan laughed and shook his head. “Wow, that’s so Jisung!” We both chuckled at the joke but then there was a silence. 

“So, uh, I should ask how you know Jisung but he talks a dude named Chan sometimes and I’m assuming that’s you?” I feigned innocence. Chan nodded. 

“Yeah! I’m Changbin’s, his neighbor, cousin, so we see each other a lot.” I nodded as we slowly walked to the door again.

“Well, I guess I should apologize on Jisung’s behalf for making you come here just to pick up peppermint bark. He’s an idiot and tries to set me with random dudes sometimes.” I rolled my eyes as Chan laughed.

“Wow, we both think you need to start dating, hmmm. Time to start searching.” I couldn’t help myself from feeling a bit hurt from him wanting me to date someone else, I guess I shouldn’t expect anything from him anyways.

I forced a chuckled and shook my head. “Nah, not into the whole dating game, sorry.” I waved him goodbye as he opened the door. He turned to leave, but looked back at me.

“You know, you’re fun to talk to. We should hang out sometime.” I raised a brow, knowing that was never going to happen. 

“I guess, yeah.” I noted lamely. Chan squinted his eyes at me and laughed.

“Wow, trying to spare my feelings now?” I blushed, caught in a lie. He just laughed though. “It’s fine, y/n. I know where you live now so you can’t escape me.” He laughed as he playfully punched my shoulder. 

As he stepped out the door, he looked back up at the top of it. “Oh what, is that a mistletoe?” I furrowed my eyebrows in shock and looked up. There was nothing. He broke out into laughter as I turned red in the face. 

“Dude, why I was about to barf.” I joked. 

He chuckled and put his hands in his pockets. “If there was a mistletoe there, would you have kissed me?” He asked abruptly. I leaned back, pretending to look confused. D-does he know? Impossible.

I raised a brow, wondering what his motives were. “I don’t know.” I deadpanned, closing the door in his face. 

I was about to walk away but I heard a knock on the door again. Then again. And again. And again. I let out a low growl and opened the door.

“Jisung told me.” He said before I could let another peep out. 

W-wait

I felt my hands turn numb and my legs go shaky. We stood in silence for a solid minute, which was a long time without saying anything. 

My mind felt numb and I couldn’t think of any lie to save myself. 

“Um... I’m sorry, you need to go.” I started to close the door, but he stopped me gently. 

“Y/n, wait, I’m not mad, and technically I knew before he told me. Look, I feel terrible for not recognizing you earlier but I was really fucking drunk. And I wasn’t in the right mind since I had ended things with Chaeyoung and my mind was just not thinking of anything. But I swear as soon as I got shown a video of us singing the next day, I knew. And I felt terrible, so I’m so sorry.” 

I felt shocked at his apology and I was unable to say anything in response. 

“Please, say something.” He took my hands and pulled me closer to him. 

And I felt terrible when I pulled back. I saw hurt run across his face as I said, “Look I was drunk too and--”

“No you weren’t, you were completely sober, I could tell in the video. Y/n please...” He made an attempt to come closer but stopped. “Look I know it’s bad that I just kissed a random girl and am now making attempts at you but there was something just drawing me to you that night. I mean the alcohol was helping me act on instinct but still. 

I was so happy to find out it was you. I had no idea who the girl was gonna be but when it was you, I couldn’t help but feel so relieved because it’s you, the girl I had a crush on in my psych class who was sarcastic with a weird sense of humor but that’s what was so awesome about you so please, we can just work something out. We don’t have to work fast.” 

A part of me wanted to just say yes and jump into his arms, but these things don’t happen to girls like me: girls who are constantly stuck in the background. He was still in love with that girl who sang confidently at karaoke, not that dull one in his psych class. 

“I’m sorry, Chan but I just can’t.” I spoke softly. I couldn’t bare to look at him as he left, but he said nothing as he walked off my porch.

------

I laid in bed, feeling like the whole world was pressing down on my chest. 

“Y/n! We’re going out to aunt josie’s house! Watch the house for us, we’ll be gone for 5 days! Merry Christmas!” The door slammed shut and I was officially alone on Christmas.

I’d always spent Christmas alone, every single year. 

Jisung had his own family to tend to and I didn’t wanna bother him. I told him that I was fine being alone since I hated Christmas anyways, and he didn’t push thankfully. It was time for me to be alone, to mourn my parents. 

It had been a few days, or maybe a week, since I last saw Chan. Jisung didn’t push the subject, knowing there was a more confusing internal battle in me. 

I felt my phone vibrate, signaling a text. My eyes grew wide when I read the contact name, scared to read the message. 

‘can we meet up right now?’ it read.

My fingers shook, unable to type a message. I hovered my finger over the ‘block’ button, wondering if that was a good idea. But before I could do anything, I got a call from Jisung. .

“Wha-”

“DON’T BLOCK HIM!” I pulled my phone away from my ear. 

“What? How did you know-”

“’Cause I fucking know you, don’t block him. Ok, y/n, let’s be honest right here right now. This isn’t about Chan, this is about you. I guess and Chan but anyways. You’re scared because of these insecurities you have, which you shouldn’t have ‘cause you’re pretty and you’re funny and cool so yeah. But, you have them, so what can you do I guess. But Chan, he’s a great dude; he’s funny, talented, hot, sporty, he’s everything a girl could want and more. Especially what you want. So I know you like him and you should take this chance because even if things don’t work out forever, at least you made the effort.”

I could hear loud music and talking in the background and I knew he was outside of his house where a big party was happening. I went soft knowing he was taking the time out of his Christmas to say this to me.

“Ok... I’ll do it.” 

“Wait what?”

“Call you later.” 

I hung up the phone and returned to texting Chan with Jisung’s confidence in me. 

‘yes... im home right now.’ 

‘are you flirting with me right now?’

I let out a bark of laughter. Chan knew how to get a girl to smile. 

‘no :/’ 

‘well i’ll still be there in 20 mins’ 

‘ok i’ll be here too’

He read my message, didn’t respond. Does that mean he’s on his way over now? 

I ran out of bed and looked at myself. 

“I need a fucking shower.” I took a 5 minute shower and ran out, dried myself and put on a little makeup, just to look not dead. I pulled on a white sweater and leggings, trying to look like I’ve been lounging all day, but cute lounging. 

Before I knew it, I heard my doorbell ring. I groaned in surprise but ran downstairs anyways. I took a deep breath, calming myself.

You can do this.

I threw open the door and saw him standing there, in a white button down shirt with dark fancy pants. His hair was now a dark brown, making him look more mature and casual than his chic blonde look. 

“Hi.” He said with a smile. 

“Hey, um, come in I guess.” I stood back to let him in and closed and locked the door behind him. “Um, merry Christmas.” He looked at me with kind eyes and smiled.

“Merry Christmas to you too.” 

We stood in a peaceful silence, one testing out the waters with the other. 

“What are you doing here instead of spending time with your family?” I asked finally. He shrugged. 

“Well, um, so both my parents died when I was 13.” I held in my gasp and held my head low for condolence.

“I’m sorry for your losses.” He nodded and looked up at me. 

“I’ve heard you have a similar story.” I sighed and sat down next to him as he took a seat on the couch. 

His body heat was radiating off him in waves and it made me feel like home. “Yeah, Jisung probably told you?” Chan nodded and I sighed. “Yeah, um, my mom died when I was pretty young, 8 to be exact. And my dad died just a couple years ago...leaving me with an ass for a stepmom and step sisters so.” I shrugged, not knowing how to go on.

“I’m sorry.” I nodded.

He leaned back in the couch and rolled up his sleeves. I couldn’t help but feel so attracted to him despite our situation being serious. 

“So-” We both started. 

“You go first.” He said. I nodded. 

“So um, I’m just really sorry about what happened the last time I saw you. I guess I was just afraid of commitment and um, feeling loved I guess. To explain it simply, I’ve always felt like I was background music while everyone else is a title track.” I shrugged nonchalantly, but I couldn’t help but feel emotional. His arm immediately went to wrap around my body and pulled me closer. He rubbed my back in circular motions which calmed me down. 

“I’m not blaming you for what happened, I guess we both have our faults.” I shook my head.

“No, you did nothing wrong, it was just me.” I argued as he laughed in surprise.

“Seriously, the first time we kissed, I was drunk as hell. I could tell you noticed ‘cause you made a face.” I blushed and hid my face in my hands. 

“Shut up.” 

As I said that, we returned to our usual banter and relationship. It felt normal again. 

“Hey, I never got to tell you, you’re an amazing singer you know that?” I gave him a small smile and shrugged.

“Thanks, you are too.” 

Then, he glanced up at the ceiling and raised his brows. 

“Mistletoe!” He called out. I grew confused and looked up. “There’s no mistletoe up there.” He gave me a boyish smile and shrugged.

“I know, I just wanna kiss you.” I let out a harsh laugh and slapped his chest.

“Dude, you can’t just say mistletoe whenever you wanna kiss me.” He wiggled his eyes brows and came close to me. My body grew warm since the look on his face was nothing but innocent. “You sure?” I nodded, daring him to go on.

“Mistletoe.” He pecked me on the lips, sending tiggles through my body, but leaving me wanting more.

“Mistletoe.” He leaned in again for half a second then pulled away.

“Mistletoe.” 

“Mistletoe.”

“Mis-” As he leaned in to kiss me for the fifth time, I pulled him closer and he didn’t fight it as he pulled me on his lap. 

He pulled away softly to look up at me. I titled my head at him in curiosity.

“Hm, so how do you like Christmas now, Cinderella?” I gasped and shoved him away playfully. 

“Cinderella? You are not calling me that!” I squealed as he tickled my sides.

“Really? How ‘bout Cindy? Ella? Cinder??” I flicked him on the neck harshly and he gasped in pain. 

“You meanie!” 

He laughed and held me down in his lap. “Ok ok fine! But I’m serious, how do you like Christmas now?” 

I thought about his question for a moment until I leaned down to kiss him gently on the lips, surprising him.

“I could get used to it.”

[love-beautiful-disasterxo-blog]

Mental Health

Mental health is something i personally dont think is taken seriously, i am writing this today to let anyone know dealing with mental illness’s know you are not alone. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and hypochondria and let me tell you it is pure hell. I wasnt dignoased untill i was 27 years old, about 7 months ago now. But i have always had anxiety and panic attacks here and there, but i was always able to control them and my worry. I have always been one to worry about my health and others close to me, but nothing like this. Let me give you alittle back story about myself. Both my parents were addicts my father was a funcontiong alcholic my mother was addicted to well about anything she could get her hands on. My father was always a drinker ever since i could remeber in every old photo we have theres always a beer in his hands. But of course being young i never thought anything of it untill one day him and my mom sat me down and told me he was going to re-hab, i remeber crying beacuse i didnt understand, why was my dad going away? And then they proceded to tell me that my dad needed help. So off my dad went to re-hab for 3 months, and i was left alone to watch my drug addict mother. My mom has very many health problems she has arthrits in every inch of her body she can barley move anymore. So when this first all started she was taking narkos 1000mg, then it turned into oxycottin, morphine, fentna patches, coke pretty much anything she could get her hands on. As this went on we realized my mom was going to multiple diffrent doctors to get pain pills and edventually she got “ red flagged “ whitch pretty much she got caught and then couldnt get any more pain medicine from any doctors in macomb county. So around the time that happned i was having terrible teeth issues, and headaches and i would tell my mom my teeth would hurt.. “ here take this” and it would be a 1000mg narko. when my mom would run out of her pills she would have me go to urgent care to say my teeth hurt and the first time i went they just so happened to give me vicodin. So that started my mom taking me to urgent care to give pills so she could have them. I was young at the time i thought she really needed them, all i seen was my mom in terrible pain !! And then i had to get all 4 of my widsom teeth surgericaly removed at once. So of course they gave me vicodin and i had about 3 reffills on them. I was in so much pain so of course i took them it was terrible !! Well my mom would eaither come into my room when i was sleeping and take some from me or she would come in and ask me for  “ a few “ i think i went thru 30 vicidons in 2 weeks beacuse of her taking them. So that is when i really noticed she had a problem. Fast foward a few months my dad was home from rehab clean,healthy, and happy ! But my mom was on a downward spiral. The first time i have ever seen my mom overdose.... i was upstairs in my room with my best friend at the time and all the sudden my dad was screaming my name ! of course i thought i was introuble ! so i walked down stairs to see my mom face down on the coffe table and my great dain on the other side of her with his head on the coffee table crying, i went into panic mode right away i remeber covering my mouth and starting to cry. My dad looked at me and said “ dont panic call 911 ! “ so i called 911. Before they had gotten there my mom had started to come to, she picked her face off the coffee table and she had busted her face all open. Her eyes were pinned, she had this scary look in her eye. The abulnace got there and of course they started asking her all these queshtions “ what did you take ? “ and she started fighting them...pushing them screaming at them. They asked her “ who is this girl?” and they pointed at me and she looked at me and said “ i dont know who she is.” my heart broke into peices. It was then my dad got out all her pill bottles and began coutning them and seeing when she had gotten them filled and what not. She would get a GIANT bottle of 1000mg narkos a month so i would say about 60 ? If not more. Plus all the other pills she was getting from the other doctors. My dad had someone figured out she had taken at least 4 narkos, 2 oxycottins plus her lyrica. She had overdosed. They finally took her away i remeber walking up to the stretcher crying and saying “ mom please you have to get better you have to come home .” and she just looked at me with this blank stare in her eyes and said nothing. On the way to the hospital she had i think 7 sezuires and some more when they put her in a room. They put her in ICU and put her in lock down beacuse she became viloent. The next day i went and seen her she still had this blank stare in her eyes. But she knew who i was...my mom was strapped downt to her bed beacuse she was trying to rip out everything she was hooked up to. I was about 13 years old ? Could you imagine seeing your mom like that at 13 years old ? So after a week or so they finally let her go home. My dad had locked all her pills in a lock box hide the lock box and he was going to start giving her her pills. Well a few days went by and my mom began searching for the lock box and i guess she had found it and figured out the passcode for it..... i came home from a friends house and there was 2 abluance sitting in front of my house so of course i rush into the house to find my dad,multiple paramedics doing CPR on my mom in her bed. She had overdosed again and actually went into respatory faluire this time. While the EMT was doing CPR my dad was cheaking her body for some reason....well my mom had gotten fenna patches..mind you your only suposse to put ONE on...she had 1 on each of her ankles, 1 on each of her shoulders and one on her chest, and my dad had also found cut up patches in the bathroom she had been sucking the pain medication out of the patches. And to be honest i dont remeber what happend after that. I know they took her to the hospital but that is all i rember. She came home and of course again we all are watching her. And shes walking around the house like nothing ever happned like everything was just fine ! Fast foward a few months things have “ calmed down “ at the house i guess you could say or at least we thought...i came home and my brother told me he went upstairs to check on mom and she had fallen alseep with a ciggarette in her mouth and the bed was starting to catch on fire my brother had to throw a melted bowl of ice cream on it to put it out. She would node off alot. Thats how i leanred how to drive... my mom would fall asleep at the wheel and i would have to drive. I started driving when i was about 13 years old. Around this time my sister was also 9 months pregnat. ( my story is all over the place sorry guys ) BEFORE my sister got pregnat my sister was also a addict and lived with her boyfriend at the time so she wasnt really around for alot of this, but when she was home her and my mom would fight SO BAD i mean fist fight..throw things at eachother and i would have to break it out. Anyways my sister was about to pop ! And she finally had my wonderful, amazing, beautiful niece. All was “ well “ once she was born my sister moved back home my mom was pretty concentrated on the baby. Fast foward a few months... me, my sister, my mom were talking about my niece and how she had started crawling and my mom got this look in her eye and just began to cry and said “ i dont remeber that.” even tho my mom was right there cheering her on and she cralwed. THAT is when my mom decied to go to rehab she didnt want to miss watching her grow up. So she went to this rehab that was actually pretty far away and she stayed there for along time...at that time i was in highschool i had to drop out. I felt like i needed to stay home and help my dad and keep a eye on him as well so he didnt relapse beacuse when he got home from dropping my mom off at rehab he walked into the house and grabbed me and hugged me as he cryed on my shoulders and said “ that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.” so i was scared he was going to relapse. Now let me just say for the record i was not a good child by all means while all this was going on with my mom and dad i was out drinking every single night partying, and also popping pills. I thought i was just out being a teenage tho yano ! having fun living my life but now i know i was trying to numb the pain, earse these horrible memories. I was hangin out with the wrong people at the wrong time and i got caught stealing from a store... all my “ friends “ i was with bailed on me and left me to get caught. They called my mom she came up to the sore and said “ we can eaither band her from the sore or call the cops.” my mom told them to call the cops.. i was about 16-17 at this time. Cops came the store pressed charges on me. I had to go to court and all that great stuff. Well they were so close to sending me to a juvinal center but my mom and dad were sobbing and i think thats what got me out of that. Instead i got placed on probsation, had to do community service, substance abuse classes and i had a curfew. Mind you summer had JUST BEGAN. So at this time i was so pissed at my mom for making them call the cops yes i know she was trying to teach me a lesson. The first day i was on probation what did i do? I went out and got really really really drunk with friends, I was suposse to be in the house by 6pm every single night. Was i home at 6pm? no. my probation officer would call my house to make sure i was home and she did.... she was calling my phone along with my parents trying to figure out where i was and why i wasnt home. I was to drunk to care. All my frinds knew what was going on and they knew i was suposse to be home so they began trying to talk me into going home. And i just got angry at them beacuse i didnt want to go ! I remeber my one friend telling me “ get in the car we are runnning to the store.” so im like okay! they put me in the back seat and the turned all the child locks on and i quickly knew what was going on...i began screaming and crying and trying to kick out the windows of my friends car. So they finally got me home i was so drunk and angry by the time i got into my house my parents called amblunace to come take me to the hospital beacuse they thought i had alcholo poisning. All i rember is that amblunace coming and that is it. So after a night in the hospital...i think? I came home had to go see my probation officer of course whitch she then put me on house arrest for the rest of the summer. I was so upset and mad !!! ( But i did it to myself ) So my friends and boyfriend at the time would have to come over and sit at my house if they wanted to hangout. IT SUCKED !!!! So over this course of time i became really depressed and started cutting myself. But let me tell you i sure did learn my lesson i never ever again even thought about stealing ever again! Oh and before ALL OF THIS happened ( like i said sorry guys this is all over the place ) i had lost my grandmother when i was about 11 my grandma was my best friend. my grandparents had this beatiful house in lexington and let me tell you we were SPOILED KIDS! I would get so excited to go there to see my grandma, god she was just amazing and beautiful and the sweetest thing in the world !!! My grandma then got sick she had a anyersum whitch caused a stoke. she then lost the ability to speak and movment on parts of her body. After that happened she was in the hospital for a while, she came home and i rember her just having this huge smille on her face and she started talking to me and i couldnt understand what she was trying to say to me... i was heartbroken, scared, confused i didnt understand why she sounded like this? But i just hugged her crying and knodding my head. After a while you could start to understand what she was trying to say. After her stroke she LOVED to hum she would just hum all day long and she was still so happy !!! I can her her beautiful humming till this day. But then grandma had gotten even more sick...cancer. And she passed away. I remeber coming home from my aunts house and everyone was standing in my kitchen my dad, mom, sister, my other two aunts, and my grandpa. I remever feeling excited beacuse i thought “ yay grandma is here !” but everyone was crying... My dad told me to sit down, and my grandpa started to say “ hunny grandma..... and before he could finish i dropped to my knees sobbing. My grandmas death really took a toll on my like i said she was my best friend. Okay so going back again sorry guys ! around the time my mom and dad just got out of rehab, it was about 10pm at night and i was texting a few of my frends they were all together at a frineds house drikning and they wnated me to come over. So i went and asked my mom if they could come pick me up and i rember my mom saying” no ! it so way to late your not leaving !” so of course i got all mad and texted them i couldmt come, And the friend i was texting at the time was all upset beacuse they were on their way to come get me and blah blah blah ! he then texts me and says “ okay well we are going to go to the store instead then.” i remeber texting him back and telling him “ is that a good idea?please be careful and put your seat belt on!” he texted me back “ i will.” So a few hours went back and he wouldnt awnser my texts or pick up his phone. I thought okay maybe they all passed out drunk and went to sleep. so i went to bed. in the morning i woke up to about 28 missed called and about 30 somthing messages from a buncha of people telling me to call them asap ! I went downstairs and on the news was a bad accident a couple of teenagers had wrapped there car around a tree last night. Those couple of teenagers were the ones i was texting the night before... my heart sank i called everyone back that had called me thinking “ no this isnt real ! “ and they had all confirmed that had passed away. A few months had passed and i started getting messages on myspace at the time and texts from random people telling me “ it should have been me in the car, it was my fault they died.” and i totally thought it was my fault they were dead for years. Nowwww fast foward to when i turned 19-20 ? I had met this guy and started hangin out with him alot ! and i am still with him have been for almost 10 years. I moved in with him, his mom and grandma about 6 months into our realshonship. We spent every single day togehter i grew very close with his family. Fast foward about a almost a year we were downstairs watching tv with his mom and grandma like we always did everynight ! And all the sudden his grandma couldnt see out of her left eye, so we rushed her to the hospital come to find out she was having stroke beacuse she had abrain anersuym. So she was suposse to have brain surgery to get it removed a few months after they had found it. She had started to develope demintcha she would think my boyfriend who was 23 at the time was a baby and she would think she would have to go change his dipar. She would ask where my boyfriends dad is all the time and mind you he passed away from lung cancer when my boyfiend was 12. So it was really scary seeing that stuff. Fast foward a couple months the day before her srugery had came ! we were all really nervouis about it of course but not her she was a bad ass. She was just like yeah whatever ! So we all went to bed early beacuse we obvisally had to be up early to go to the hospital the next day. Well we got woken up by my boyfriends mom busting into our room screaming “ shes not waking up she wont get up.” my boyfriend ran downstairs while i sat upstairs trying to comfort his mom, then my boyfriend yelled for me to call 911. At this time we lived in a apartment that was likke a damn bomb shelter so we had no serive in that place. so i grabbed my phone and i ran downstairs to call 911 and there i seen him performing CPR on his grandmother. The ambluance arrived and again tryed bringing her back. But she was gone, she had passed away in her sleep the day before her surgery. As we sat around her body for HOURS waiting for the corner to get there. I think that is when it all started for me... just how fast it can happen like that...one day your here the next your not. That is when my fear of death started. Fast foward to about 2018. My grandma ( my moms mom ) had gotten sick, we all thought it was nothing and she was bounce right back like she always did ! she was a strong itlitan women ! But then we found out she had stage 4 lung cancer. The doctors said she had it for along time and it has taken over her lungs. Mind you my grandma always had a TERRIBLE hacking cough but she had always had that ever since i remebered !!! but that terrible cough was the cancer taking over her lungs. And the only reason she went to the doctors is beacuse she was a having a pain in her back and she was getting really out of breath and thats when they found it. I remeber i was at work when i found out, i texted her and said “ grandma youll get thru this, you have to get thru this i need you !” and she repiled “ dont worry sweetheart ill be just fine.” about a week later my grandma was in hospis. It took that short of time for the cancer to actaully spread to her bones and she got stage 2 bone cancer. One day we were all up there visiting her beacuse we knew she didnt have long and she knew it too.... the preiset came in and read her her last rights. And let me tell you that was the most saddest thing to watch and hear. To just know this man is hear to read me this beacuse i am going to pass away anyday now....after that my grandmother began deterating quickly, she slept 90% of the time, she didnt eat, didnt drink, she couldnt open her eyes. They had her on a 24 hour morphine drip just to keep her comfotable. We were all up there every single day. My mom and aunt would take turns staying the night at the hospital. Till one night my dad and uncle talked them into just coming home and getting some rest and they could go back tomorrow. That night nobody was there my grandma passed away in her sleep at 4am. The doctor said she had been waiting to be left alone so nobody had to be there when it happened. Its been 3 years now since my grandma has been hgone and god damn do i miss her. Now at this time me, my boyfriend and his mom had moved into this old farm house we were renting out from this TERRIBLE lady ! but we had no where to go. This house was fallling apart the windows wouldnt open, the floors were snking in, the foundation was cracking, there was mold in the back room, we had propain heat and this house was NOT ventailed well at al.... like i said it was like a old 70s farm house... and we had well water.  After about a year of living there i became really sad and thats when i noticed my anxiety. The house just didnt feel like home. We were about 30 minutes from the closest store it just sucked. and the landlord was terrible she would always yell at us for shit even tho we tryed fiixng that house up the best we could ! i scrubbed that house from top to bottom ! we re-painted i re-did the enire outside put in some flowers and what not to make it look some what decent. But she still treated us like shit. We always lost power, the wind would blow the wrong way and boom no power, the winders were very cold like i said we had propain heat and the only heater was in the living room the pipes would freeze if we didnt have the water running. We lived on a dirt road whitch in the winter time was nothing but a sheet of ice. And at this time me and my boyfriend both didnt have jobs we had just moved there. So i finally got a job at tacobell...worst mistake ever. That job broke me down til there was nothing left of me. It made me angry,sad and stresssed ! And i did it for 6 years ONLY beacuse my boyfriend had yet to find a job.... he went without a job for a long time.... and i was the only one with a car so everything felll on me....to cleaning the house, to working, everyone using my car, me buying things for myself, him and his mom. It was just realy stressfull. But that is when i noticed my anxiety getting alittle worse well at the time i didnt know it was anxiety but i ended up doing tones of research on it and everything pointed to anxiety. I woulld have panicattacks here and there but not very offten, and they were really random as well. And i was able to control them and my anxiety with home remidies and what not! But i have always been the person to stress before theres even stress to stress about but i never thought anything of it i just thought it was me stressing out ! And looking back now i would always have to clean the house and get things done when i planned to do it and it wasnt just vaccuming or dusting it was scrubbing the walks doing all the laundry, re organzing things, i would get home from work at 4pm and literally not stop untill about 10-11pm at night. so i was always on the go always ! i was working 50 hours a week, i was a store manager at the time so everything at the sore fell on me as well. So fast foward to november 2018 around that time i had noticed my attacks becoming more frequent. My boyfrind had finally found a good job and i was so excited i thought everything was going to change ! and 2 weeks into the job he quit, right back at sqaure one, at this point i had also leased a jeep so i now had 2 cars a truck and my jeep he was driving the truck, and of course it broke down and he never fixed it. so back to sqaure one with 1 car, things at work were becoming really stressfull with the holidays coming up so i was working alot more then 50 hours mind you i was salary so i only got paid for 8 hours. so stress from everything falling on me, him not working, the truck breaking, getting a new car, the winter ( i hate winter ), being depressed about living in that house and having no life beacuse i worked so much i was just a mess. So one night we go to sleep right everything was fine i was fine ! i had alittle cough so i took some cough medicine and went to sleep. We got woken up around 4am from his mom coming into our room telling us that his uncle ( her brother ) was in the hospital on life support, i was shocked and said but i was so tired i couldnt understand anything ! so my boyfriend jumped outta bed and went into the living rooom to see what happened. so it was 4am there was nothing we could really do, it was snowing like crazy so we all just tried going back to sleep. Now what had happened with his uncle is her had a tripple bypass i belive after he had a heartattack along time ago, his heart wasnt well, he was also diabetic and a heavyer set guy. He woke up in the middle of the night really cold i guess and his wife woke up and asked him what was wrong he said “ im really really cold !” so he got up to get a blanket and use the restroom, he then busted back into his bedroom telling his wife to call 911, so she did before she could even figure out what was hapeening. Well what was happenig his lungs were filling up with fluid and filling quickly, she was on the phone with 911 and he was begging her to tell them “ hurry i dont want to die .” he was sufforcating. By the time they got there he was blue and wasnt breathing he had died before they got there. Then in the amblanuce they brought him back and he crashed again. Then they got his to the hospital and got him back again but by that tiime it was to late he had went 17 minutes without any oxygen to his brain. His brain was swelling his lungs were stilling filing up with fluid. He was on life support for i think 3 days. So THAT morning i woke up and my entire life was flipped upside down.... i woke up having a TERRIBLE PANIC ATTACK i felt like my lungs had collapssed on me. I was having BAD disrealaztion whitch at the time i didnt even know excisted !!! So i woke up and ran outside beacuse before when i would have attacks i would go outside and it was ease up....not this time. My panic attack lasted about 1 hour i couldnt breath, i was so confused, i didnt know what was happening, my heart felt really weird, i felt like i didnt know what was going on around me, i was sweating, crying, hyperventalating, my hands started to go dumb and lock up on me. I finally calmed down a bit but i still felt SO WEIRD not only beacuse of the disrealazation but i just didnt feel like ME its like my brain just did a completely 180 on me, so we went up to the hospital to say our goodbyes to his uncle and what not, and the whole way there i was just freaking out beacues of the way i was feeling ! i remeber i was in the back seat and i HAD to be touching my boyfriends shoulder or i would just freak out ! We got to the hospital and i hugged everyone telling them how sorry i was.But after that its like i couldnt talk words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. we went into the room to see his uncle ( mind you hes on life supprort hooked up to all sorts of things ) and my boygfriend asked me “ are you okay are you going to be able to go in? “ i was like yeah i should be fine. So we went in and i wasnt fine....i just stood there in shock staring at his uncle beacuse we had just seen him and he was fine, laughing, joking around, picking on me like he always does! But now there he was having a machine help him breath, no brain activity, you could see his face swelling from the brain swelling. The whole room began to spin and i got really sweaty. I wanted to cry cuz i was really sad and upset about it ! he was a amazing man ! but i just couldnt nothing would come out !!! So after saying our goodbyes and talking to everyone we went home. Again i had to be touching my boyfriend in the back seat. We got home around 10pm i beliave and i started having these terrible attacks, i again felt like my lungs were collapssing but this time it felt really real my chest was hurting, my body was so tense i would barley move, i was so dizzy, i was this overwhelming feeling of just pure DOOM. I thought forsure i was going to die. i thought that was it. So my boyfriend rushed me to the hospital i could telll on his face he was scared too....i never had a attack like this not this strong.  As we are driving im begging him to go faster as im grabbing my chest telling him i cant breath. We get to the hospital and i try to explain to them whats going on. so they take my vitals whitch were all normal i think ? i dont remember. and had me go sit back in the waiting room, i was still sobbing cuz i was so scared and i couldnt breath i was still grabbing my chest, i tryed sitting down but i couldnt its like my insides were crawling !! so i had to pase the hallway untill they called me back. they finally called me back i got into the room and they asked me yet again what was going on and i told them everything i was felling they hooked me up to a ECG, blood pressure cup and oxyen finger thingy. Mind you i still couldnt breath and this is going on about 2 hours now. i ripped everything off of me and i walked into the hallway begging the nurse to put oxygen on me. I dont know why but i thought it would help me ! and shes like “ i really dont think you need it your not pasty or blue but if it will make you feel better yes.” so she came in and put pxygen on me i began taking deep breaths hopping i would be able to breath again and slowky i was able to breath again, they ended up running TONES of blood work on me, chest xrays, EKGS and urine tests on me. and everything came back fine.there like you had  a panic attaack. im like no ! i have had a panic attakc before it felt nothing like this !!! And they cointued to tell me theu found notrhing wrong at all. I was so fucking confused and scared so from there they gave me valium, first time i have ever had it ! and with in 10-20 minutes i was fine. really tired but fine ! i thought to myself “ okay that was just a really bad panic attack i was overwheilmed by everything going on ill go home go to bed and wake up and everything will be fine!” boy was i wrong.... i woke up having a terrible panic attack again, disrealazation was still with me strong as ever. I just kept thinking to myself this cant be happening to me again i am dying !!!! This one lasted about 1 hour and after that i was really tired but i still was feeling really weird really off like somthing just wasnt right !!! from that night on i had at least 4 panic attacks a day and inbetwwen those panic attacks i was having anxiety attavcks. i was in the ER almost everyday. in the matter of 3 months i was in the ER at least 60 times.and each time they found nothing. I began going to other hosptails beacuse i thought they werent looking hard enough i literally thought i was dying from somthing. disrealaztion for me lasted about 2 months straight. Then i started to get horrible memory loss, terrible night sweats, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt function. i wasnt eating or drinking. so everytime i would go to the hospital they would pump me full of fluids. when i started getting the memory loss i was freaking out even more i was conviced somthing was wromg with my head thats why this was all happening i have a tumor or somthing i thought to myself !!! so off to the hospital we went.... they did a nuero exam on me and said everything looked great and did stroke tests on me too said all looked fine ! i began crying hysterically. Then the dr said would you feel better if we did a CT scan, i said yes please !!! so they did so. all came back clear. I was so confused again and frustarted i didnt understand what was happening !!!! And the memory loss contuined to get worse so i went to the hiospital a few more times for it i had another CT scan a few months after that, still all clear. At this point in time i became obssesed in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with him ! I started googling none stop, reading books about anxiety, listing to popcasts, i began trying everything, journaling, mediataing, cut out all caffine, trying essental oils, breathing techinques you name it ive tryed it. Nothing seemed to help. I decied to go see a physcaligist ive never went thru any of this before so i didnt know what to expect. He asked me a bunch of queshtions but before he would even start asking me queshtions i started crying. So by the end of it i was dignosed with GAD, ocd and depression. He put me on lexapro and ativan. I took the lexapro for a week and it made every 10 times worse i couldnt take it anymore. At that point i decied to try the natural route and bought $50 worth of supplemts that didnt help. So i seen a diffrent physcartist beacuse i didnt really like him. She added another great ole trate to my diganoses health anxiety. She put me on paxil and ativan. The ativan is the only thing that kept me sane. It was like once i took the ativan all my problems fadded away but once it wore off i was full of anxiety again. Now here we are 7 months later. Still in and out of the hospital not as much. Still on paxil 30mg and ativan 1mg twice a day. Still fearing that i am dying every single day. I didnt belive the doctors so i took it apon myself to go see all these specialist, i just had this gut feeling like my body was telling me somthing was wrong !!! ( still do ) So i started off with a nueroligst told him all my smyptoms done and by the end of the vist he wanted me to get 13 diffrent tests done. So lets see if i can remeber them all... i had brain and nack MRI, a brain MRA, EMG, nerve testings on my legs and arms, some inner ear testing, VAG test, a test to see if i was having sezuires and theres more i just cant remeber them all. But at the end of it nothing was found but polyps in my sinus cavity, a vistbular disorder and thats it. Then i went on to see a rhymotligist where she testsed me for every autoammone diease possible, also arthrits and FYBO. she found nothing but slight carppel tunnel in my right wrist. Then i went and seen a ears, nose and throat docotor, he found a lump in my thyroid that i JUST had biopsied 3 days ago and waiting for the results. I also seen a cardioligist i wore a halther monitor for 2 days they found nothing but a few PVCS and one SVT, i had a stress test done whitch came back perfect and a echo whitch where they found a thicking of one of my artires but he said it wasnt effecting me at all and i probaly was born with it and my body has learned to work around it. I also seen a vision specialst and my eyes are fine just need new glasses. So like i said i now take 30mg of paxil 1mg of ativan and i make doctor appts on the regular still beacuse im still not convinced this is anxiety. I am suposse to see the nureoligist in sept. for a fallow up but i made a earlier appt beacuse of the symptoms im still having im still convined somthing is wrong with my head. And mind while all this is first starting im still trying to work at the job were i work 50 hours a week as a store manager, i had to demote myself to assistant manager beacuse i couldnt handle it anymore, and i was barley at work beacuse i was always at the hospital. so about 3 months after demoting myself they fired me. So me and my boyfriend were both without a job so lets add that on. So i had this brillant idea of moving..... i thought maybe its beacuse of this house we are in maybe thats my issue ! So i went out put a down payment on a brand new trailer and we moved smack dab in the middle of winter. But yet i still felt terrible, i wasnt even excited about moving i felt nothing. i felt numb to everything. So hear i am still suffering each and everyday in this new trailer. I did have a job but i recently just quit it 2 days ago. I couldnt stand working there i felt like it was bringing me down more. but the plus side of that is i have 4 interviews on monday ! oh and my boyfriend HAD a awesome job landscpaing making good money ! and he quit that about 2 weeks ago. We still are with 1 car ( mine ) beacuse he has yet to fix the truck. Ive been on paxil for about 3 months now and ativan for about 4 months. The paxil has helped ease the anxiety alot. the ativan is the only thing that keeps me sane. But i still suffer everyday. i am so depressed. i am not the person i once was. I use to love being outside doing things, i loved cleaning beacuse it calmed me and i felt better after doing so, i use to love having fun and laughing i use to love working ! i was the person that ALWAYS had to be doing somthing. But now i am the complete oppisite. i dont know what it feels like to be truley happy anymore, to laugh, to smile, to not be scared or worried. I have no idea what it feels like to be normal anymore. I wake up everyday wishing, hoping, praying today will be a good day, but it never is. Anxiety or whatever this is hit me like a god damn fright train and has totally ruined my life and who i am. I know this was a super long post but i need to know im not the only one out there feeling these things. I need to know i am not dying, i am not crazy. Is a anxiety disorder really THIS BAD ?! Thanks so much for reading guys and please please please feel free to reach out. im going to list my symptoms below. And im going to try to keep posting. Thanks guys.

Everyday symptoms:

when i wake up in the morning or from a nap i feel really weird and spacey.

Night sweats

Blurry vision

shaking

memory loss

mood swings

genreal feeling of just fear

always on edge

crying spells

my body aches ( almost feel as if my body is bruised on the inside)

ALWAYS TIRED

back and neck pain and stiffness

my legs and arms randomly go tingly

pee ALOT

sleep alot

i dont remeber my dreams

overwhelming saddness

my head offten feels weird, its a feeling i cant even explain it feels like my brain is just going to shut down

ears ring

headaces

brain fog

somtimes when i wake up in the morning i feel swollen but my body isnt actutaly swollen

heart palpations

twitching/cramps

i sweat alot

my appetite is eaither there or its not

random dizzy spells

pressure in my head

feel the need to do somthing but not sure what it is

lost all intrest in everything

always thirsty

feeling like anxiety or health issues are always on my mind

i dont talk much anymore

i have isolated myself from almost everyone

no sex drive

constant reassurance

craving for sugar

cant figure out my triggers ( this causes alot of anxiety )

WHEN IM HAVING A ATTACK:

my mind goes blank or my thoughts race

half the time i cant understand my thoughts

i think and feel like im going to die

body tenses up

hyperventalate

the strong urge to just give up

fear that this will be my life forever

I USE TO GET A RACING HEART BUT NOW I DONT*** now i just feel like my heart beats funny and i get palpations here and there

uncontroble crying

this scary feeling whitch im assuming is impending doom

sudden urge to pee

feeling like my body is just shutting down

my memory seems to get worse in the middle of a attack

i recently started having suicidel thoughts

thinking about whats going to happen later or tomorrow ( how im going to feel what im going to do )

i get so upset that i am having a attack and cant figure out why so i will try to think of why im having a attack

[prissypickle]

I did it

One year ago today I finished highschool. One year ago today I finished the toughest journeys of all times. Highschool was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. There was so many people who ruined it but there was so many people who made it better for me. My freshman year I attempted suicide and was admitted to a mental hospital and and no school wanted to take me in. At the time Fir Ridge Campus didn’t take in freshman. So I had no choice but to drop out. David Douglas straight up told me that I couldnt go there. I had too many problems and They couldn’t give me an education. In spring of my freshman year I enrolled in an online school called metro east web academy. Of course with all my mental health issues I had no motivation to do any of it. In the end I only got one credit for it. And that was for creative writing. I’m with ICTS which is where people come outd to your house three times a week for therapy. So I was with them for six months. It was hard saying goodbye. But then I went yo seeing a therapist once a week. I was still cutting often. But back to my schooling, I didn’t do anything and my mom was so pissed at the david doglas school district because the refused to put me in a school and finally she wrote a three page nasty letter saying how I needed to be in a school and thats how I got to fir ridge.

My freshman year I was so scared. I couldn’t tell you how scared I was. I didn’t go to school. I was fucked up in the head, cutting and I didn’t know anyone. So I didn’t really talk to anyone on my first day. But within a few days I met a small group of friends that I could relate to. Which was great. The next best thing was that there was a school counselor and a therapist that came to the school. So on top of going to seeing a therapist once a week I went to see him once a week. He was from Trillium services. He was a great therapist. I saw him from 45 minutes to an hour. My school counselor was mamed Michael and he was probably the best counselor anyone could ask for. He understood me. When I needed my space he let me sit in the office or library and do my work. When I had my mental break downs he gave me a quiet space. He was amazing. I have terrible anxiety with loud noises and whenever we had a firedrill I would cry and have a panic attack when there was he warned me and brought me to the office telling me when so I wasnt as afraid. As I said. He was the best school counselor anyone could ask for.

I had this friend. Her name was Iris. I cared for her so so much she was my first friend I made in middle school and she went to a diffent school but she had problems at the time and so she was looking into my school and I was thrilled. But before ahe came she also had issues and so she went to a rehab place. I called her family every day to see how she was doing. I sent flowers and cards because well, wouldn’t a best friend do that? When she got out she started at Fir Ridge Campus a bit later. I was so happy we reunited again. We started having sleep overs and everything. Okay? But one time during a sleepover she stole her parents credit card and bought something, which was a peircing kit and I had no idea so she came to my house when it was delivered and took it before I was home. I’ll also mention around two years ago she stole my ipod. But anyway so this happened and it happened once more but with tea but ahe sent it to her house instead of mine. So her mom was like “you arent ever allowed to see her again” blaming me for her daughter peircing herself. That was the hardest thing for me to hear because she was my best friend. Or so I thought she was. I believe this was all happening during my Junior year or late sophomore I cant remember it was so hectic. Ill come back to this bitch a little bit later.

But my Junior year I did this amazing thing called camp pheniox. That was the second the best and worst part of highschool. Its a two day overnight camp plus 4 weeks of after care. During the two nights you broke yourself down talking about the horrible things in life and at the end you are rebuilding yourself and raising up into a pheniox. During the process you did multiple activites which were happy, sad and heartbreaking realizing how fucked up and broken you were on the inside. One of the days you clumb a tree and tell everyone what you committ to. And I said I committ to my family and my support system. And then you had to walk on a tightrope with another person and jump when you couldnt do it anymore. And the other classmates are completely in control of the rope and your harness. Then the second activity we did was get in a harness and go up and your classmates pull you up until you say stop. Basically a gaiant swing okay. So I was letting go past teachers which I will get on explaining to more. And then letting in good teachers and then you yank it and I did a 90 foot free fall and holy shit was that fun. As i said it was the best and wors part of it because i landed up in teen intensive outpatient because I was cutting and I was extremely depressed.

But back to the teacher thing. There was a history teacher her name was Karen and she was a bitch to me. She hated me. And She KNEW i struggled with anxiety and she KNEW that I hated being with loud people and so I always needed to go to the office to see a counselor and I always finished up my work at home. And finally she was like you have to go to detention to finish this. And so Im in the office complete sobbing and my council waves it off. And other time with her was when my counselor talked to her about it she didnt talk to me for 3 DAYS like seriously she was so immature. Then When I came back from thr weekend she didnt call on anyone else but me. Then at the end of the week there was a new seating chart and I came in late because I was talking yo the trillium therapist okay and she shows me my seat and Im calm and I say no. And shes like yes. And I calmly explain to her why I cant go sit next to him because be gave me anxiety. And then she PROCEEDS to yell at me infront of the whole class who is now stairing at me and Im completely crying now infront of the class go to the principals office to fucking write me a refferl because i was arguing with her. Which the princapal immediately threw it out. The princapal at the time was absolutely amazing. She took me out on the track as I cried and walked with me.

So my junior year is happening and I went to camp pheniox and outdoor school it was great okay. So I went to outdoor school for my third session and I broke my ankle and had to stay home for a week and you remember this Iris girl who is my best friend??? Well not anymore. When I was away at outdoor school where I couldn’t DEFEND myself she went to the counselor and said. That I raped her and drugged her with majauana. And In like balling my eyes out because Im so fucking confused and why she did that. And so the counselor literally asked if I did it and Im like what the fuck do you really think I did it. And Im like crying at her because Im so upset. Like who in the right mind would accuse someone of rape. I mean I work with children. I was a swim instructor at the time. If she went to the police I could’ve been arrested and fired from my job which she didnt go because she knew she was a lying skank ass bitch. Also they couldve drug tested me because I wasnt even smoking at the time! And so Im in the office and my counselor is like “what are you feeling?” And I littlerly upfront say” I want to punch this bitch in the face,” she she looked at me “you cant do that” and Im like “no shit I cant do it. I want to but tgat doesnt mean I am going to.” And she sighs like after and hour of fuming she tells me Im not allowed to tell ANYONE and Im like fine whatever.

But I go to my momma jill and tell her and I like an crying to her and shes just holding me. But seriously then the vice principal calls me in during third period to talk more about what happened ALSO i had a freaking alliby because I was at fucking teen Intensive outpaitent during the time she accused me! Basically it was a whole clusterfuck

. It got 100% worse when there was an assembly and youll never guess who was running it the skank ass Iris. So she started talking about rape. And then she says “someone here raped me” and then she looked over at me. I kid you not. And my dad was there and he stood up and I cant remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of “you shouldnt accuse anyone of rape either,” he said or something like that Im to busy crying and my teacher holding my hand. Finally my dad comes over to me and says were leaving. So my worst fear now the whole school knows that Iris accused me of rape and drugging her. So im literally in the gym having the WORST mental breakdown of my life and I mean screaming at the too of my lungs dropping to the knees hitting the floor. There was the security guy and Joey one of the teachers along with the princapal and vice principal trying to calm me down. And my dads crying because hes upset because of what Iris had said. And they told me to stay home for a few days until I could calm down.

So I came bac the following monday. I was so depressed I wanted to die. I almost had another suicide attempt but I thought about Taylor Swift and how I would never get t meet her and that just made me hold onto life just a little bit longer. So by the end of the year it was time for prom and so I was nominated for.... you guessed it prom court equivalent to prom princess/prince and can you guesd who was nominated too? That bitch Iris. So we were BOTH up against each other and trust me I was NOT going to let her win. So I baked my ass off and probably made over 200 cupcakes and fed them to the entire school and when I was time for prom. I won. I won prom princess. That was the best night of my entire life. My entire highschool carrer I felt normal. Everything was perfect

. Soon my Junior year ended. And summer came and went and my Senior yesr started. I only needed 1 credit to graduate .5 government .5 global studies. So I took government first which I got like knocked down a ton because i refused to do presentations because i hate speaking infront of a class but I still passed with a A. Then global studies I REFUSED to take with Karen again. So I did 5 at least 250 page packets in one quarter. And I still graduated early two quarters early. I started school my sophomore year because they didnt count it as a freshman and ended my senior year. I worked my ass off. And I graduated in 2 1/2 years. I graduated. I did it. I made it. Evern after a suicide attempt. Witnessing my mom attempt suicide my sophmore year, Iris accusing me of rape. All of that and I still graduated and I was second in class too. I’ve never been more proud of myself in my entire life. I didnt think id ever make it here. I thought in 2014 I was going to die. But I didnt. I’m still here. Alive and succeeding in life. Im a caregiver now. I’m getting my CNA in July. I made it. I did it.

[shytiff]

May Small Wins

1 - lazed, went to racheel’s place and put my motorbike there, went to slipi jaya with silvi devi reza to watch seobok (it was fun!!), had iftar at the yumz green sedayu. It was raining when we get back. prayed maghrib and isya in some random mosque. went back and arrived at like 8 past sumn. showered, slept like a babyy

2 - lazed, slept and woke up at like 11, went to nila’s house, practiced doing eyeliner by borrowing nila's (focallure brand), iftar at green sedayu foodcourt (originally intended to go to the yumz but it enforces actual distancing) with angkot ppl minus tik will. Arrived home at about 9-ish.

3 - magang as usual. Went to rm. Took mrt to lebak bulus. My inaco salary finally came. My head kinda hurts after tarawih. Ended up skimming over bj alex lmaooo. Did not shower today lol,,,,

4 - added dr dafsah's revision to the excel database otw to rsf. Pak nardi took a while to arrive. Left rsf early to go to the bank. I (((finally))) activated m-banking lmaooo wow the features are neat wow im not jahiliah anymore. Found this method of just let it sweat anyway during tarawih lmaoo. Preferably with long sleeves bcs somehow you feel less of the sweaty feel compared to tshirt.

5 - sampling - data entry - RM as usual. Theres no new RM. Read a goood dramione fic by bex chan even if its not complete, its okay. Im okay :"))). Iftar was soup, salad, chicken katsu and french fries. Its been 2 days that i practiced sleeping-to-rain-sound. The first night was spent as a dreamless quick sleep (its over before you knew it), but tonight i dreamed abt almira's wedding lmaoo.

6 - no sampling today!! Still went to rsf tooo go to the mall w regen lmao. Did some data entry. Went to PP by mrt. Went back by going to halte gbk and thankfully the kalideres one arrived after only waiting for 5 mins. Its surprisingly quick, compared to lebak bulus - pesakih trip. Took abt 20 mins to jelambar.

7 - no sampling today too. Dr vera gave us lebaran cookies! Did gcp for bu suryati a5. Went to rm, finally finished the available rm. Went home early. Can finally relax since its the weekend.

8 - literally laid in bed til my body hurts. Rly want to read sumn but dunno what. Finally decided to read momoiro heaven. And rere hello. And after iftar i read lack of love. And just like tht, my saturday was gone. Cant bring myself to do things

9 - its another day of lazying (or self sabotaging, cant tell). Read spy family and its effin hilarious. Wasted my sunday. Cant bring myself to even move and i just laid in bed all day.

10 - last day of work in the weeekend lmao. Felt better than being in AR, but still not that much productivity. Went to RM. Phone call w fianti along the way to plan food in almira's bridal shower. Went back at 12-ish. Picked up my dress from risma busana. Walked to and fro halte kebon jeruk. Prayed zuhur close to ashar in kfc's mushola. Felt better after ~8k steps. Had homelab's green tea mixed with vsoy. It honestly made me feel better. Matcha, or caffeine, sure is amazing. At least i had a sense of normalcy before losing all the will to self-care

11 - consumed internet entertainment u til i was sick and tired of it. Watched a lot of cut videos. Granny came and stayed over. So i slept upstairs

12 - same as 11 but upstairs. More relatives came near iftar time so i excused myself to shower. Slept in mom n dads room at like 12-ish. Watched hp goblet of fire since keisha and karins newest obsession was draco. We squealed together over liking enemies to lovers trope haha,,,,

13 - Somehow all of dad's jakarta relatives came for lebaran. the last time i checked, there were some bridges being burned. prayed eid at home. watched perempuan tanah jahanam (which was surprisingly not scary). ate. napped. talked about personal things w keisha and karin. i cant believe the time has finally come where we talk about this kinda stuff. watched you’re next (it barely has any plot, just gore). they went back at about 8 pm and i just sleptttt yall lmao i didnt shower today. disgusting, i know

14 - cam barely get out of bed. Managed to shower at zuhur time. Watched dalbang and laughed like crazy bcs its just that funny. Read fanfics. Tiktok. Ate once and had greenfield yogurt at the evening. Fell asleep. Woke up at 1 and snacked on 1 pack of oat krunch

15 - run bts. Originally planned to go to flavola but it was still closed, so i went to dm's dunkin. Ordered orange juice and oeanut choco donut but somehow the price wasnt package price hhh. Turns out my clires account was somehow banned. So i contacted the admin. Instead of doing dr dafsah's excel i ended up taking off the makara sticker from my laptop. Bought some stuff for almira's bridal shower. Bought arirang at hari2 (its funny bcs yesterday i was seeing online marketplace, planning to buy it, but turns out hari2 the magical place had buy 2 get +1 deal for arirang.

16 - run bts. Managed to move my body a bit. Did 20 squats (ill elaborate on this later). That improved my mood. Tidied up some of my stuff. Saw the paper bag of random memorabilias by friends.

17 - went to rsf by tj. left kalideres 06:45 and arrived at RSF 8:15. sampling. went to RM (still no new ones). picked up by mom. went to salemba for almira’s bridal shower. originally planned to get padang at citra minang behind BK but it was closed. so we drove around looking for open ones. ended up buying it in a small (but crowded) padang place near a big padang restaurant lmao. was the first one to arrive at acacia. checked in, pulled the bed near the wall. showered. its hilarious sometimes with a bit more serious discussion anjayy. went home w febby who drove and clara

18 - went to mcd to get lunch (since everyone’s fasting) and tried to muster the will to do something. i didnt manage to do anything except shopping online (brought dusty pink hijab at hijup). got spicy chicken and iced coffee. (spoiler alert: tomorrow i got mencret2 lmaooo). read my suha and beyond the skidipapap its actually rly good

19 - went to RSF (with mom as usual. quickly snapped RM pictures while mom was waiting. went with her to mami’s house bcs she and uwak will fly to banjar. finally got to meet haekal, he’s such a smiley babyy its basically free therapy. planned outing with nisa lmao. from soekarno hatta we went to vintage vibes lmao since we’re already out. vintage vibes is more crowded now. and there’s less good findings now. went back emptyhanded. ate chicken arirang since there’s no food. fell asleep at like 06:30 until early morning lmaooo

20 - woke up at 2-ish am, played my phone, fell asleep at like 9?, woke up again at 11 lmaooo. went to sbux. had matcha latte. did some inaco work. todays the most productive ive been this week.

21 - went to gi with febby to also meet up with fi, bought falsies and glue (later proved to be of a horrible quality), siraman and pengajian almira (first time seeing an actual siraman), went to blok m w nes ren ara gen. Tried naruto takoyaki at little tokyo, went to daitokyo (i didnt eat anything), and got matcha cake, sakura and mango raspberry gelato at kebun ide. Picked up by mom. Renata gifted me bts 2021 winter package photocard 🥺🥺

22 - iluni internship webinar by dr naldo. Grabbed fried chicken master. Stupid time management etcetc made my start makeup at 12 (febby went out at 13:30). My falsies and hijabdo was done by herrr thank god for the help. Went to swissbel. Didnt take a pic w almira bcs time. Almiras wedding at damai indah golf pik. My skin was TERRIBLE at the wedding. The make up didnt stick prolly bcs of vitacid. Thank god for masks,,, went back home w febbyy. Made tiktok lmao

23 - lazed. Went to flavola. Its finally daytime caffeine again w kopsuscok. Did dr triya's translation work and finished it at home. She transferred the fee at like 11pm

24 - off to RSF with mom. no new medical records. wrote fuad’s name on the medrec borrowing form. continued to nisa’s place w mom. lazed, played w haekal, put some patient’s phone number on the inaco excel. Off to GBK with nisa and sarah. parked at abc field (shouldve parked near GBK’s H gate). saw moja museum 2.0, took lots of pics. mo paint (moral lesson: draw the background first!! not the foreground). finished at 16:30. ashar at masjid al-bina. nisa dropped me off at gbk tj station. prayed maghrib on the bus since the traffic was so ughh. met atikah in lippo puri. decided to eat seirockya so we walked to puri. talked about a certain someone along the way. we rly talked about it while walking until we arrived at seirockya. atikah treated me uyeyy since she and racheel will stay in depok for 2 weeks starting tomorrow. got the shoyu ramen and gyoza. took the taxi to atikah’s place. mom’s waiting there lmaoo i was like “noo dont wait at jco, just wait at atikah’s”. still felt energized that night in my bed. no sleepy2. like 100% awake. 

25 - woke up at like 9:30. i basically did nothing today. didnt even shower lmao (i showered last night). read the good teacher in one go. zoom meeting w dr eva. i rly need some structure in life, goshhh

26 - showered and went to mcd. got nasi uduk, breakfast wrap and milo for 26k (thanks mcd app promo and mcd duta garden’s menu machine, i dont have to interact with another human). planning to do dr dafsah’s excel after all the data is complete, and still no new inaco data, so i ended up.... online shopping at bobobobo....... (bought outer and white culotte). tidied up the writings on my stickies (plenty of words has accumulated). ordered onejai for emir juan (expensive!!! 79k no promo lolll but free delivery. i was baited by gojek’s 1k 2 week subscription and felt like hmmm i should get something since we live in the middle of nowhere and free deliveries felt significant at that particular time when im holding my phone lmao). fell asleep after drinking vsoy + matcha lol its soft caffeine no longer works i guess

27 - woke up late as usual, went to sbux at 1 pm. tried white peach matcha frapp. the peach overpowers and u can barely taste the matcha. tried to read something useful (in medicine) but skimmed 2 ppt and then i saw solid’s bitly for isip. finished reading banana fish. couldnt bawl my eyes out because im outside.

28 - checked out rsf. Still no new ones. Immediately went back. Lazed and wasted my time

29 - iluni webinar. Here comes the impending life crisis. Ate nasi uduk and mie goreng telor today. Tried vsoy golden grain with matcha. It has almond aftertaste. Line call with kris for almost 4 hrs until 11 past sumn pm.

30 - more iluni webinar. Dr Eric, SpPD, PhD was rly cool. Tried daily box (butter soy chicken). Quite tasty. Mkg w regen. Videocalled in the mall w silvi racil bcs its ale and nadaa's wedding today. Bought gooma 500ml matcha w gofood pickup discount. Ate sushi go (the shoyu has mirin btw). 50k+ you get 6 piece of sushi (2 salmon) and matcha cake and ocha. Quite a nice deal. Talked abt cryptocurrency lmao. Went back and forth w TJ. All hail tj

31 - planned to do at least some productive stuff at home. turns out nila is outside and had some time to spare. so we went out. i met her in citra 6. we went to pik’s white beach. its scorching hot since its 2 pm. spent like 15 mins there. we had wanted to stop by monsieur spoon but THERES A QUEUEEE even if its a hot afternoon. so we ate tom sushi at green sedayu. talked a bit afterwards in nila’s place and then i was picked up by emir. tried gooma’s matcha. its not sweet like sbux. approved by mom (who doesnt like sweets). but its more expensive than sbux’s 2L 100k promo lol. (45k after gopay pickup promo for 500 ml). reread bj alex lmaooooo found new tidbits

[acidmatze]

In which Dabi increasingly thinks that he is stuck in a third rate emo music video

I have no idea why I wrote this. But it wanted to be written. This is Part 1 of the obligatory College AU and everyone is a dork. 

It’s not proof read or anything.. Im tired...

It was a kinda gloomy afternoon in late October when it all started. It was raining and the dorm was crowded with students that normally were walking around town but with weather that bad no one really wanted to go out.

Dabi was sitting on the windowsill in the common room and stared outside.

Spinner was in some kind of fight with two other students about some hockey game.

Twice tried to watch some motorcycle race on TV.

He then suddenly jumped and walked over to Dabi with just a few really big steps.

“Dabi, I have an idea!”

Dabi lazily turned around to his friend.

“Shoot.”

“So far we have befriended three people. But I think we need a lot more friends. There are a lot of people here on campus that don't seem to have many friends and no one should walk alone around here. You know, we all need someone to talk to and stuff. You know??”

Dabi blinked a few times.

For some reason since summer, Twice seemed to be obsessed with walking around and trying to talk to people he never talked to before. Dabi was just dragged along. At first Twice started hanging out with Spinner. Then he almost stalked some weird guy called Chisaki. And then his friends. Dabi always felt the weird need to apologise for Twice's behaviour but somehow in the end it all worked out and their circle of friends grew.

Twice blabbered on

“There's this girl I have a few classes with and she's like.. two years younger than us or so I have no idea how she is in college already but she is. I have never seen her with people around and I think we should change that.”

“Uh.... okay? How do you wanna do that?”

“I'm just gonna talk to her on Monday. What do you think?”

“Dunno? Go ahead I guess...?”

Dabi had a vague idea which girl Twice meant.

She was blonde and short and could be cute but there was an eerie air surrounding her. But since Twice's group of friends was a ragtag bunch of misfits she would be fit in just fine. Twice himself was a giant goofball sometimes. In one moment it seemed like he was just a kid trapped in the body of a tall guy in his early 20s. In another moment he would shout the most obscene things anyone has ever heard. Be it in the hallway, in the middle of a lecture, while eating lunch and sometimes in the middle of the night. Dabi knew because even though his room was further down the hallway he could still hear his friend's yelling. It woke him up semi-regularly.

And on some days Twice would just break down sobbing and fled to the bathroom and wouldn't come back for a few hours.

He had no idea about what happened afterwards.

Dabi himself also was far from being the average college student. First of all the appearance.

Then his type of humour.   He often insulted people without meaning to because for him it was just friendly banter. And his careless attitude pissed people off. For reasons Dabi cannot explain. What's so bad about not blowing up at every single thing?

“I haven't felt an emotion since 1997” he often said.

“Look how many fucks I give. They are falling from the sky” he also often said.

Chisaki, the first guy they “recruited” was terribly afraid of bacteria and getting ill. They never saw him without wearing gloves and a face mask.

No hand shaking or friendly hugs allowed, thank you.

Please just wave in my general direction.

He was often seen furiously wiping seats, benches, tables, kitchen counters and other places you can sit on.

Sometimes Dabi wondered if it was a good idea for him to study medicine.

On the other hand, if he would become a surgeon no one would need to worry about keeping the operating room sterile.

“We only have guy friends. We also need some girl friends. Not girlfriends... well, maybe those too but I mean like.. girls. Who are our friends.”

“I get what you mean, Twice and I agree. This group is a sausage fest.”

Two days later when Dabi walked to his next lecture he saw Twice down at the campus plaza wildly gesticulating and talking to that girl he wanted to talk to.

She didn't seem to mind.

As far as Dabi could see, whatever Twice was talking about must be funny since she was laughing.

Good. Another weirdo joined the group. Let's see what this eerie feeling is about.

Dabi almost bumped into another student he didn't even had noticed.

“Whoa there. Didn't see you there buddy. Sorry.”

The other student shot a quick glance at Dabi and walked a bit faster. Well, okay...? Maybe he's late for class. Though in his oversized black clothes he almost looked like a high school student.

Weird kid.

This time the common room was almost empty, even though it was raining again.

Why is it always raining the last few weeks?

Dabi stared out of the window again.

“Is this interesting?” Chisaki asked.

“I'm pretending to be an emo girl in a music video. I'm currently missing my boyfriend who broke up with me to fuck my best friend.”  

“Okay?”

“It is complicated, you know? He just bought me an expensive ring and told me we will be together forever but then at a party my bff flirted with him and he didn't do anything and now I'm so angry I think I will set his apartment in flames.”

“Dabi? Are you... okay?”

Dabi turned around to Chisaki and pretended to be crying.

“No! I am depressed! I was so in love with him, Rawr!”

Chisaki stared at Dabi for ten seconds.

“Please. Don't say this ever again.”

“Rawr means I Love You in Dinosaur!”

Before Chisaki could smack the lanky bean in the face Twice stormed into the room.

“Guys! Guys, we have a new friend! Say hello to Toga!”

The short girl from earlier today stood in the doorway grinning way too wide for her face.

“Hiiiii~ I'm Toga! I'm so happy to meet you all! Very happy indeed.”

What is up with those teeth? Dabi had never seen canines that sharp. He had heard that some people let their teeth sharpen. But until now he thought someone was playing a very elaborate prank on him. But seems those people seriously exist.

A wave of eeriness hit him.

There's something about this girl that's definitely not normal. But who in this weird clique is normal anyway?

“So what do you guys do all day? You all look totally different, do you even have common hobbies? Like Twicey here looks like a MMA fighter and you look like a law student and you look like you beat up kids and then go home and write sad poems about it.”

Dabi's eye twitched slightly.

“Also you look stoned!”

It twitched even more.

“Law student.....” Chisaki muttered, “I have never been more insulted in my life.”

“We're just hanging out. And sometimes we go play pool and stuff” Twice said.

“Oh that's cool. I collect knives. Do you want to see some?”

Toga was beaming.

Okay, so that's what's wrong with her. That explains so much to be honest.

“I don't think anyone would be interested in....”

Dabi cut Chisaki off.

“Sure we want.”

And a few minutes later they were standing around in Toga's room. Which looked like a normal girl's room. Except for the wall of knives where other girls maybe had posters hanging.

But otherwise, very normal, very pink.

Toga pointed at one of the knives.

“This is the first one I got. I found it one day on a playground. I took it home and cleaned it and sharpened it.” She pointed at another that had sharp wedges.

“This is really great when you want someone to bleed out. When you stab someone with it and they try to rip it out the teeth just get stuck and do more damage. I bought it at a hunting store a few years ago.”

Whoa. Chisaki had gone completely pale. Twice seemed nervous too. Did they have to worry that this girl would break into their rooms at night to do Horrible Things to them?

“I see your worried faces and I want to reassure you that I only collect them.”

At least she's sane.

“I also collect other things! Like articles from the newspapers.” Toga shuffled over to a drawer that was completely plastered with hearts and peace signs and whatnot.

She pulled out a folder and went through the pages a bit.

“Here. This one, for example is about a case of unexplained murders in the 80s. I have collected every little bit of information I could find about it. Which is very hard by the way. Do you know how weird it feels to google all that stuff? And this one is about that guy who abducted and killed five women like a year ago.”

Nope, completely insane.

But in a weirdly nerdy way.

“And now I am collecting stuff about a string of weird cases of mutilated animals found on roadsides around Yokohama. No one really investigates that! Can you believe it? Just because it's not people. I think that's not fair. Animals have lives too.”

She closed the folder and huffed.

Dabi crossed his arms.

“So you're like... playing detective? Finding out more about it?”

Toga's face lit up.

“Wow, I never thought about that. I could totally find out the truth. I know everything!”

Chisaki leaned over to Dabi and whispered: “Hey, can we go now? I still have to write an essay and also this is creeping me out.”

“Dunno man. I think that's definitely a weird hobby but she seems harmless.”, Dabi whispered back.

“Yeah maybe, but I'm out, cheers.”

Chisaki marched out of the room without even saying goodbye.

Twice and Dabi remained.

“Oh nooooo I scared him away.”

“He's just horrible when it comes to blood” Twice tried to explain.

“Oh yeah you should have seen his face, when I was hit by a baseball once and it almost knocked out a tooth. I thought he would faint any second.”

Toga grinned.

“He really acts like a law student.”

“He studies medicine.” Twice said.

Toga just stared at the guy.

“You're joking, right?”

Twice shook his head.

And then Toga had a hysterical laughing fit that lasted so long that Dabi briefly considered to call an ambulance.

It was already dark when Twice and Dabi went back to their rooms. The fact that it was already dark didn't mean that it was late though. The sun was already setting at 6pm.    

“She's weird as fuck but I'd be lying if I would say what she said wasn't interesting. I don't know why I would need to know about serial killers but somehow I do now.”

Dabi was rambling.

“So you like her? You think she fits in with us?”

“Yeah kinda. Maybe. But I don't mind her hanging out with us.”

Twice pumped his fist in the air.

“Yeah! A new friend! Oh can you wait here for a minute? I wanna head over to the kiosk and get some snacks.”

“Sure. Knock yourself out.”

Dabi leaned back at the wall and Twice hurried out of the main door.

Empty corridors. Silence.

Pretending to be a a girl in some music video again, Dabi imagined walking down the hallways crying about some lost love and unfair parents. For some reason the sprinklers were on. The eyeliner is running dramatically over the wet cheeks. Emo girl is looking at her wrist where she wrote the name of her ex with a sharpie. It's also running from the water from the sprinklers. Some guitar solo is playing in the background. Emo girl gets angry and punches the wall.

She swears revenge. Maybe burning something down would help. Maybe destroying things....

“Hey, what are you doing there?”

Dabi looked up. Oh, he really had wandered through the hallway. But without the sprinklers and the sharpie and the cheating boyfriend.

In front of him stood the guy from before. Black oversized hoodie, black jeans, black Converse. God, is that a Senses Fail patch?

How emo, Dabi thought, ignoring the fact that he also has a Senses Fail patch on his backpack.

No one needs to know.

The guy still stares at him.

Oh Jesus, please someone get him lip balm. And some moisturiser. Because this dude looks dead.

“I was just dramatically walking around, thinking about my cheating boyfriend.”

“What?”

“Ah nothing. It was a joke. Sorry again for bumping into you earlier.”

“Ah. Its fine.” The guy shoved his hands back in his pockets and walked back in the direction he came from.

That's not where the dorms are. Weird.

“Hey Dabi, I'm back”

Dabi was lightly punched in the shoulder.

“Nice. Dude, have you seen that weird dude in the wannabe emo clothes just now?”

Twice seemed confused.

“Emo dude..? No. I haven't seen anyone.”

Dabi scratched his head.

He also never had seen that guy before. Is he a ghost or something?

Over the next few days Dabi ran into that guy over and over again. But every time he asked someone about him, no one had an idea who he was talking about. He ran into him in the bathroom during lunch break. He ran into him in the library. He ran into him while running cross campus to catch a bus. Had this dude always been there and Dabi just didn't notice?

“You always look like you're searching for something. Are you okay?” Toga asked. They were walking down a popular shopping street in town. Toga wanted to meet with a friend of hers and asked everyone if they want to come with her but only Dabi agreed.

“I think I might have seen a ghost. Also, I'm not okay.”

Toga's eyes went wide. “A ghost?? A really spooky one? The one that haunts your dreams by night? Where have you seen it?”

“Everywhere, basically. And he even shows up during the day. I need proof that this guy really exists.”

“Wooooooooow..... A real mystery. Maybe my friend can help you. She's great with mysteries.”

They arrived at a small café.

Toga was running towards some guy in brown cargo pants who was waving at her. But didn't Toga say “she”? Oh. Okay.

Then Toga ran back to Dabi grabbed his arm and pulled him with her.

“This is my best friend, Magne. She's basically like my sister. If you need help with mysteries, then talk to her.”

Dabi awkwardly shook her hand. Wow that's a strong handshake. “I took the liberty of already ordering some cake for me. I just couldn't wait. So, what is this mystery you are talking about?” They sat down at one of the small tables. It was weirdly warm for October this week so somehow everyone was still outside.

“Basically I am chasing a guy only I can see, it seems. I never have seen him before but suddenly he is everywhere. But when I ask someone about him no one knows what I'm talking about.” Dabi explained.

“Wow that really is something. By the way, Toga you should order the Strawberry Shortcake it's the best I have ever eaten. Okay, so if you need proof that this mysterious guy really exists you maybe should take a picture of him?”

“Isn't that creepy as fuck?”

“Well, for me it would be way creepier if I would see a guy no one else can see. If you can take a picture of him you know he's real at least.”

That girl has a point there.

Sadly, after this the guy vanished. Over the course of the next weeks Dabi grew more and more frustrated.

He felt like he was stuck in some third rate emo music video.

Maybe he should let his hair grow out a bit and get blue streaks. “Dabi, you look like you're constipated. Do you need help?” Chisaki offered one day.

“I'm not okay” Dabi mumbled.

“Yeah I can see that. Seriously, if you have problems with your digestive system, I know some drops that really...”

“I can shit just fine, Chisaki.” “Oh. Then.. care to explain what's wrong?”

Dabi sprawled himself out on his bed.

Chisaki was standing in the middle of the room. He forgot his wipes and spray and wasn't brave enough to take a seat on Dabi's really old office chair.

Dabi groaned.

“This guy...... This weird guy I told you about... The one I am always running into. I'm not running into him anymore.”

Chisaki furrowed his brows.

“And that's a problem why...?”

Dabi sat up and threw his arms in the air.

“It makes me feel like a fucking madman! I know this guy exists. I have even talked to him like once. Almost. He needs some damn lip balm and looks like dead itself. And now that I was ready to take a pic of him and prove his existence once and for all he vanishes!”

“You want to take a pic of him?”

Dabi groaned again.

“I know that sounds like a stalker. But I just wanna prove that he exists. It seems like no one but me has ever seen him.”

“Dude... you do you. But who knows. Maybe he was an intern or stuff. I wouldn't waste a single thought about the whole thing.”

So Dabi tried to not waste a single thought about the whole thing.

He tried so hard and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. Because two days later he caught himself looking for that guy again.

It was already close to Christmas. And the dude remained gone.

Dabi was in the library looking for some books to read. Maybe that would distract him. He just wanted to check out when he saw him. Emo dude. With the oversized hoodie. Coming in through the front door. Dabi almost dropped his books. He imagined he was a girl in an emo music video who sees her crush. He walks past her and their eyes meet. Maybe he was smiling, maybe he was not. Everything is in slow motion. The people around them vanish. It's only those two. When he passed her everything is back to normal. Guitar solo.

Dabi wanted to slam his fucking books on the floor.

Then he walks into emo dude while crossing a bridge. Okay, emo music video. It's raining. Girl was just dumped by some stupid jackass. She is desperate and doesn't know what to do. Maybe she should jump but the bridge isn't really high. She's nervous. After contemplating for a while she sees Him. Some emo dude walking towards her, asking her if everything is alright. It's still raining but also now the sun is shining. Everything is well now even though there is still sadness in her heart. Forever. Guitar solo.

Dabi seriously contemplates to jump into the river below.

The third time he runs into him is at a bus stop. Some old lady is also there but that's it.

“Hold still!” Dabi says harshly and the guy looks at him, startled.

Dabi takes out his cellphone and takes a pic of the dude.

“What...... why...?”

“I explain later. Don't worry, I will delete the pic soon. I just have to prove something to someone.”

Emo dude is chewing on his lower lip. His leg seems shaky. Dabi sighs.

“Look. I know that was creepy as fuck but you won't believe the hell I went through to get this pic. As soon as I prove that you exists I will delete it.” “That I exist..?”

“Yeah.”

Fuck that sounds stupid. Oh god so stupid and creepy and.... hell, Dabi has to explain this seriously now.

He groans.

“Okay, there is no way to explain this without sounding weird. Remember back in October when I almost ran you over?” Emo dude nods. Dabi can see strands of blueish grey hair. Is that dye?

“Good. I thought to that day I had seen everyone on campus. But I never had seen you. So I asked my friend about you and he said he doesn't know about you. And he literally is friends with everyone. And then I kept running into you. But every time I wanted my friend to look at you you vanished. Like a fucking ghost or something. It was... kinda pissing me off somehow. And we kept running into each other but I was either alone or you did that magical vanishing thing.”

Emo kid stared at Dabi in silence.

“I kinda got all riled up about this. And then I didn't see you again and I seriously thought I was going crazy or had seen a ghost or something. A friend had told me to take a picture to prove it. But then I couldn't because I didn't see you. But now I did. And now I can prove it. And now I can have peace of mind.”

The dude still stared at Dabi.

Ah fuck.

Oh, wait.

Dabi pulled out the phone again.

“I could also delete the pic right now. And take you to my friends instead. You know... In the flesh?”

“You want me to meet your friends..?”

Dabi nodded.

“You're always alone. Maybe you could need some friends.”

“Friends....” Emo dude looked at the ground. Spit stains everywhere, ewwww.

“Okay... Take me to your friends.”

“Ah I can't today. Maybe we could meet at that church at 4pm tomorrow?”

Emo dude shrugged.

“Okay....”

Dabi wanted to shake his hand, but emo dude didn't react. He awkwardly pulled his hand back and coughed.

“Okay then.... Until tomorrow. And I'm Dabi, by the way.”

“Tomura... I'm Tomura...”

Then Dabi's bus arrived. Time to visit his mom in the hospital.

He sat down at the window.

Okay. Emo music video. Girl just had a date but it didn't go as planned. Maybe she should have listened to her bff, she had a bad feeling about this all the time. It's raining. It's also raining in emo girl's heart. She had sadness for breakfast. She should have stayed home and spend the time with her bff instead. Now that she thinks about it, bff was always there for her. Every time emo girl needed a shoulder to cry on bff was there. The rain represents the tears she wants to cry but cannot because this is a public setting and that would be embarrassing. Emo girl thinks maybe she should have dated bff instead. There is thunder in the background as the bus drives into the darkness. Guitar solo.  

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 13 - “The Last Check Mark I Need” - NICOLE

IDK WHATS GOING ON. But I don't trust Jared and nicole or Johnny. I think im going I don't wanna wrongly play. But them.not knowing the vote count is sketchy

This entire past tribal went horrible - Vilma went home and she was a huge ally who was very involved in my game, but I found out a few things of her not trusting me so BITCH BYE (jk ilysm) - Regan exploited our alliance that we had between me, her, Augusto, which was SO pointless on top of ALL OF THE REASONS where regan pissed me off today, but honestly, I don't feel the need to go into it again bc just lol at this point she's honestly fucking insane (sorry ily but you're fucking nuts) - Nicole just failed to understand why I voted for her, and I feel so bad about things, especially considering we hungout irl a few days ago, and I told her I wouldn't vote for her.. I also feel bad that Jared has turned into a lowkey sociopath this game and nicole is getting wreckt for it - This BAD PUBLICITY over this reward challenge when people dont want me going to ghost so they can kill me instead - Dan is PISSED at me for all of these chats getting exploited, being left out of the nicole vote and just the consistent lying to him. Jared played so many FUCKING games today that threw him, Dan and I under the bus, and it was just nuts, and he blew up both of our games in a way that wasn't necessary..... and there were just other ways to plan it out What I WILL say is that I'm turning Asya into like.... one of my closest allies bc I think she's fucking awesome, and I think we're in the same boat, and if it's up to me, I don't want her going anywhere.. I'm plenty okay voting out anyone who isnt augusto asya roxy at this point..... everyone else can probably burn? I'll see how long I can keep Jared around. Eventually, enough is enough and I may just have to throw in the towel and vote for Jared, but I'm going to try to not think about that bc my intentions are to still stay pure to Jared so GOSH lord help my soul

https://youtu.be/12RpRL81wjc

Lots to explain, let’s start off with the most obviously trivial. Regan talks about herself...a lot. Like, a lot. Regan is most definitely the most self centered person I’ve ever met. She knows it so like, it’s not mean that I’m stating it. But anyway every day in the tribe chat she goes on for sooooo long about herself and so I made a fun little game where when she sends a rant about her life I say “Merry Christmas Everyone”. It started on Christmas, so it wasn’t that funny BUT every day since it’s gotten progressively funnier and funnier. Ricky and Alex chimed in a few times and then I got Johnny in on it. It’s becoming such a moment every time it happens and the farther away from Christmas we get, the more ridiculous Regans responses get to it. Now, back to business. Last night I almost got voted out. I am BEYOND thankful that when I went to Ghost Island I was able to get the Sapphire Idol and will it to Jared during the second or third round. We have been trying to hold on it for so long in order to use it correctly to save both of us and tonight was the PERFECT oppurtunity. We not only did THAT but we flushed two idols since Regan used hers for no reason and Vilma left with hers. (I feel so bad I wish she would have used it and rocked out Johnny). Today I’ve made substantial progress with Asya and Dan but I really don’t think it’s enough. Which makes me nervous. I feel like going going home these next two rounds is going to be so sad for me. I have the fucking legacy advantage and having to give it away before I even can use it would kill me. Regan better calm herself with her agenda to get me out because if she doesn’t fucking relax I will 100% get her out with the legacy advantage just for fun. Finding a fourth to vote with us is going to be actually terrible. I’m hoping I can be immune so that the tables are forced to turn. I really don’t want to go. Maybe Jared will find something at ghost island to shake things up. I feel like crap about this game because Asya has painted a picture of how I COULD win. But that makes me feel like nobody will let me get that far. I just want to win so badly this is like the last check mark I need in order to feel successful in this community (as cheesy as it sounds).

So I’m really boo boo the damn fool huh. Vilma leaving last night was literally heart wrenching. After hosting her in Cayman Islands, she was probably one of the most deserving of the unfinished business casting. She’s an amazing person, friend, and ally. I really am gonna miss her a lot in this game. As it stands rn, everyone is being shady. Especially Johnny, but honestly, we been knew. Regan leaving the chat is fucking annoying. She’s unwilling to vote anyone but Nicole. I promised Nicole I wouldn’t write her name down this game, And I intend to make that happen. I wish there was a way that me and Nicole could lowkey get the votes split 3-3-1 on us this week to force a rock pull, but there’s literally no way. When I think about it, splitting up Nicole and Jared is smart, however, in my opinion the wrong person is on Ghost Island rn. I’d much rather vote out Jared than Nicole and that’s just that on that. I may honestly just throw a vote or self vote this round bc I literally can’t bring myself to vote out Nicole. If Nicole wins immunity, I am a little worried for my ass soooooo. Idk what’s best rn.

https://youtu.be/OSPsCvp7lmM

https://youtu.be/dLh35zpslXU

OKAY LISTEN..... I'm proud of myself bc I've gotten to that point of ORGs where I feel I'm done doing 800 long ass confessionals every round, but nonetheless, I've gotta do one each round, and I'm trying to make it good, so here's the content from my host chat about why im considering what im considering today: I am hoping that the Regan/Nicole thing continues until right before the vote, and this round is going to be everyone depending on my vote because I'm the swing, and I'm hoping people are going to be patient with what my decision is, because I'm likely not going to make it until right before tribal...... jk im voting for regan, but they dont need to know that ;) i know by voting out regan, im making it harder for myself to get to the end, but I'm REALLY trying to surround myself with threats so I can get to the end. I was the first person this season to make an "out there" game move, by playing my idol and taking out Ricky, and since them, i am trying my damnedest to just hold back my threat level, so people just let me go further and further. I don't have MANY options beyond that at this point Oop apparently regan is voting for me.. that's a mood Now here's me ranting about taking out Dan vs Regan: Regan is more easily controlled, and she has been working closer to me this entire game.. She is a goat and likely won't win at the end, but she's a very likely candidate to get to the end at this point just because she's such a goat Dan, on the other hand, has been a strong ally, but he voted for me once, and has been wishy washy with his allegiances since he voted for me the first time (when I used my idol), and promised us so many things, but Dan has pretty good relationships and is unpredictable, but he's sworn up down left and right that he wants finals with Augusto and I. The BIG reason for keeping Dan is that Roxy and Augusto, who are probably two of my top three closest, and most trusted allies, are going to be more reliant on me next round for numbers, and even more when it gets closer to the finals, they may feel more compelled to take me to the end because there are too many big threats left in the game but if i vote for regan then i might be jeopardizing my specific spot in the game, and I'd have the potential of my allies turning on me

(A LITTLE LATER)

So I guess here's an ACTUAL confessional since I haven't really planned on making anything else, but I feel bad Regan fucked my entire game up because she thought she was being cute after last tribal. Everyone was on a call during that reward challenge (not getting into it... literally fuck the hosts bc that changed the entire game, moving on), and they were all spilling shit because Nicole got mad that four people voted for her, and then Nicole and Dan both started making this game feel really personal, and honestly, it just felt icky to me that they were bringing it to a personal level when it was a game move. I understand what Nicole is going through bc (T B H Jared) Jared is a sociopath in games, and he really just doesn't have a chill switch sometimes, especially when dealing with nicole, so like..... idk, people started feeling bad for nicole bc jared YELLED at nicole after tribal on that call apparently, and ig it had to do with me, and more of an exposing me party YAY, but idk.. so I feel bad for her too I deem literally everyone in this cast currently a close friend, so this is never ever going to be an easy decision from here on out. Every decision is going to be painful. My entire plan for the day was to pretend to be indecisive about how I wanted to vote, when in reality all day, my intentions were to vote for Regan, however, things have changed sadly............... I'm voting for Dan tonight, and I don't see myself changing my mind before tribal for many of many reasons. I mostly just feel that if Dan stays, I could POTENTIALLY not have numbers next round since Dan is consistently playing double agent, and jared nicole and asya could come together and vote out either roxy or augusto, and then i'd be fucked, especially considering those are probably the two people im trying to get to the end with (without screwing over jared and losing his jury vote uwu) Also, the biggest reason I've gotta do this is to just not upset the people who've been the best to me since we've merged. Augusto and Roxy have been nothing but helpful to my game, and Dan was the FIRST of my allies to turn on me, and that still hasn't been sitting well with me since it's happened. I'm moreso doing this for my allies than anyone else, and knowing that Roxy, Augusto, Regan and I are likely not going to break until we get to the end ish? (But also Asya queen is getting to the finals if it's the last thing I do. Regan can LEAVE before Asya does, but that's besides the point hmmmmmm) My other big fear with voting out dan is that im voting out such a meat shield.. going into the f5 with any combination of asya augusto roxy regan puts me in a lot of trouble to get 5th or 4th, and I'm foreseeing a world now where I get 5th or 4th because those are the people I chose to go down the stretch with, but we'll see... I think I can maybe have a few tricks up my sleeves to attempt to get me there? oops?

IDK THE TEA IS THAT im voting johnny with nicole and dan and idk if i can pull this off

Nicole and I decided this plan to get it to be 3-2-2 and I’m so nervous it’s gonna fall through. I’m shaking in hangout rn omfg this is so stressful

[sweater-soo]

baeksoo - memory loss? i love ur writing btw 💕

♡♡♡

this is gonna be based on a concept i’ve been trying to write for a while. hope you like it!

The fridge is filled with leftovers.

For the past month, Kyungsoo’s been cooking too much food. Meals for two, even though he’s been single for--god, ages now. Long enough that he shouldn’t be making this mistake. And he normally doesn’t; it’s just a recent thing, this confusion.

He doesn’t know how it started. Things have been weird in general lately. His friends keep referencing things he doesn’t understand, mentioning things he wasn’t around for. Or he doesn’t think he was, at least. Jongdae’s wedding is kind of dubious, because Kyungsoo was allegedly a groomsman, and all he can recall of the whole thing are little snapshots, like something from a night of heavy drinking.

He sighs and grabs a plastic container. Inside is leftover gimbap, frustratingly devoid of cucumber for some reason, because he can’t seem to make it any other way. It’ll have to do.

When he gets dishware from the cupboard, it takes him a second to realize he’s grabbed two plates. And he doesn’t quite know why, but it makes his heart sink a little, makes his throat close up around a half-formed sob. He closes his eyes and leans heavily against the counter.

“Get yourself together,” he mutters. “This is ridiculous.”

He picks up two pairs of chopsticks from the drawer. The wordless shout of frustration echoes through the empty apartment.

--

“Hey, have we met?”

The stranger at the bus stop has silver hair and droopy little eyes that make him look slightly cartoonish. Like an anime character, maybe. His head is cocked to the side in a puppy-like way. It’s oddly endearing.

“I doubt it,” says Kyungsoo. “I’d probably remember you.”

The stranger laughs. “Because of the hair, right?” he says.

“Well, that too,” says Kyungsoo, “but mostly because you’re cute.” He feels his face heating up at his unexpected brazenness and lets out a laugh, ducking his head. “Sorry, uh. That was--”

“Oh! No, don’t worry about it.”

Kyungsoo looks up and finds the stranger grinning at him, teeth sharp and pearly white, eyes mischievous. It’s infectious, and Kyungsoo finds himself smiling back easily.

“I’m Baekhyun,” says the stranger. “And you’re not bad yourself.”

“Kyungsoo.”

Something strange passes over Baekhyun’s face. He frowns. “Are you sure we haven’t met?” he says.

Kyungsoo shakes his head, saying again, “I’d remember,” this time with more conviction than he really feels.

--

“Why do you keep bugging me about dating?” Kyungsoo asks after they finish their second round of drinks. “I can understand with Jongdae, since that’s just a married person thing, but you, too?”

Chanyeol has that shifty look on his face, that I’m-hiding-something-but-can’t-lie-convincingly-so-I’ll-just-avoid-the-subject-instead one that didn’t work when they were in high school and certainly won’t work now. “We’re just worried,” he says. “You seem lonely. We’re looking out for you, y’know?”

“I’m not lonely.” Kyungsoo pours another shot of soju into Chanyeol’s glass. “Anyway, you can stop worrying. I’m seeing someone now. Um. Kind of.”

Chanyeol lights up, beaming eagerly. “Yeah?”

“It’s too early to call it anything. We’ve been on a few dates. But it’s--I dunno, it’s going pretty well.” A soft smile pulls at his lips. “I think I really like him.”

And he does. Baekhyun is funny and charming and sweet, easy with his affection, transparent with his feelings. He kisses like he’s making a promise, and his playful smiles and flirtatious texts are always the best things about Kyungsoo’s week.

Chanyeol nods. “Good! So what’s his name?” he asks, lifting his glass to his lips.

“Baekhyun.”

Immediately, Chanyeol starts coughing as the soju he just inhaled goes down the wrong way. It takes a moment for him to recover, and his eyes are red and teary as he says, “Um, who?”

“Byun Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo furrows his brow. “Do you know him?”

There’s a deer-in-headlights look on Chanyeol’s face. He pulls his phone from his pocket and gives it a look of obviously fake surprise. “Oh, wow, look at the time.” He chuckles nervously. “Sorry, gotta go. I need to, um--yeah, sorry.” He leaves Kyungsoo with more than enough money to pay for the drinks, then vanishes. It’s more than a little conspicuous.

On his way out, Kyungsoo texts Jongdae to ask if he knows why the name Byun Baekhyun nearly gave Chanyeol a heart attack. All he sees for three days is Read at 9:17pm.

--

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Kim

Byun Baekhyun has had Do Kyungsoo erased from his memory. Please never mention their relationship to him again.

Thank You.

LACUNA INC.

“There’s one from yours, too,” Jongdae says quietly as Kyungsoo stares at the card stock. “Same thing, but the names are switched.”

Kyungsoo’s been staring at the text for so long it’s all gone out of focus. He wants to ask if it’s a joke, but somehow he doesn’t think it is.

“How--” His voice is hoarse. He clears his throat and tries again. “How long?”

“What?”

“How long were we together?”

It takes a moment for Jongdae to answer. Then, “Almost two years.”

It’s an ice pick right in the chest. Kyungsoo takes a deep, unsteady breath and tries to get a hold of himself. He thinks about Baekhyun’s laugh, the familiar touch of his hands, how every moment with him feels so comfortable and right. And now those feelings seem like a betrayal, all based on something terrible. On a mistake.

“Was I happy?” he asks, searching Jongdae’s expression desperately.

Jongdae has this pitying frown. He rests a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Yeah,” he says. “For a while.”

--

Baekhyun squeezes Kyungsoo’s hand. “You’ve been really quiet today,” he says. “What’s wrong? Are you pissed at me or something?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says quickly, even though he kind of is. Baekhyun had the procedure done first, ran away from their problems instead of fixing them. But that was a different Baekhyun. This Baekhyun--his Baekhyun--hasn’t left him. It isn’t fair to harbor so much resentment like this. “Something happened with one of my friends,” he says. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

Baekhyun looks skeptical, but he shrugs. “Alright. Whatever you say.”

Kyungsoo smiles weakly. On a sudden impulse, he leans in and presses his lips to Baekhyun’s, just wanting that feeling of rightness to come back. And it does, in a way, but there’s a bitter taste to it. He kisses him more insistently, Baekhyun’s mouth opening with a gentle sigh. It’s all still salvageable, Kyungsoo tells himself. It doesn’t have to be like before.

Baekhyun’s hands cup Kyungsoo’s face gently, like he’s something precious. Then it’s just warm tongue. Soft lips. Quiet humming. All familiar in a way that’s started to seem more terrible than reassuring, leaving Kyungsoo to wonder if he’s just going to keep repeating the same mistakes.

writing angst for these two hurts my heart a little, haha. but i hope you like it, anon♡

(also, this is like... really obviously just taken from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. im horribly uncreative lmao)

[summoner-kentauris]

ive posted bits and pieces of this before but i dont think the whole thing? honestly this one was an excuse to write about gjöll (hríds icy sword). anna and hríd fight. i cant remember what zacharias was said to ahve done in this. apparently pretty bad tho. either zacharias got himself into some serious shit or i was decided to write slightly darker askrans than usual. anyway im imagining i was at the peak of my make your characters flawed kick when i was doing this. which is a good thing to do but still.

-

Hrid is a prince of Nifl, and as such, he is trained to handle, address, and resolve diplomatic occurrences.

He is trained to do these things and, as such, people will occasionally fly to him with desperate concerns, panicked and seeking any kind of help they can get.

They are usually desperate.

Hrid is trained and also Hrid, and as such, people have almost entirely stopped relying on him for diplomacy.

It doesn’t bother him. He's good at other things, and besides, it means he is hardly ever disturbed while he’s focused on training, or fighting, or just staring out across Nifl and wondering how long it might take to talk to furthest twisted frozen ice geyser (four hours).

For example, sleeping. Hríd enjoys sleeping. At least, so long as the ancient echoes of Nifl aren't twisting around and ghosting along his spine and leaving him cold inside, like light sheets of veiled snow. Other than that, sleep ranks pretty high on Hríd’s list of things he, generally speaking, enjoys. It’s another thing that rarely happens in Nifl, what with court this, and regency that, and emergency so and so. Askr's supposed to be different.

And oh boy, is it.

He is both woken up, and asked for diplomatic help at the same time.

He comes to shot through with alarm and adrenaline, and deep sleep confusion. Are his arms attached to him? He pats himself – they are – thinks he’s gone blind for a moment and then realizes it’s night and his eyes are closed. Someone - not him - makes a noise, so he rolls out of bed and snatches his sword and hits the ground with his hand wrapped tight around Gjöll. He's grabbed the blade without thinking, and a protective cover of ice instinctively spreads up between the sleep warm skin of his palm and the deathly sharp edge of blade’s ice surface. It’s a part of him, in an instant, he can almost feel the disbalance in the air making the blade hover and waver slightly, minute adjustments to a threat the part of his head that’s still mostly asleep hasn’t even begun to recognize yet.

He’s not blind, it occurs to him. He just still has his eyes closed.

He opens them – closes them again because the moon is terribly, horribly blue bright tonight, and then snaps them back open.

Sharena is crying at the foot of his bed.

He can’t really hear her, yet. Somewhere, buried far in his dreams like ancient ruins under centuries of avalanche, somewhere in his dreams ancient echoes of Nifl are still twisting around his deepest fears – or maybe someone else's. All he remembers is the ice slick body of the dragon, screaming in the face of something unthinkable.

Sharena chokes back another sob, and the dream fragment leaves as if it has never been. It’s replaced by sound, the breaking, halting, jagged sound of Sharena, fighting her way through breathing.

“I – can’t – find – Anna – so,” she says, trying to wipe back tears and push away falling hair.

She’s got her lance. She’s in pajamas and she’s got her lance and the two things don’t fit together in Hríd’s head.

“Please,” she says, “They- he-”

It clicks.

Emergency situation requiring diplomacy.

“I think-” she says, her voice cracking in the middle, “I think... I think they might kill each other,” she says.

Emergency situation.

Requiring diplomacy (?)

-

They catch Anna on the way, Feh tangled up in her hair and hooting with more verve and anger than the time Anna stole the orb Feh likes to sit on.

Tell me what’s happening, Anna tries to demand.

Sharena, usually well in control of herself, can barely make it through I’ve never seen him yell before.

-

She’s right.

It is out of control.

I’ve never seen him yell before, she explained, as they dodged late night heroes stumbling around.

Better they should argue than resent each other, he said, but, he felt it nonetheless. A tangled, dragging down sense of dread that made his feet feel heavy. That made him want to run a little slower because the fear was, the yelling was most certainly not better. Unlike Sharena, Hríd has seen Alfonse angry. He’s been able to recognize the blinded fury that hid just out of sight of its owner, waiting until everything seemed lost to strike. Hríd had let the feeling take over once, had faced Surtr, had seen reflected there a fury burned beyond understanding, fury molten and melted into a new form, corrupted and snarling and evil.

Hríd had been afraid of himself ever since.

They said Alfonse had put Bruno to the sword once, without knowing who he also was. Leveled a divine weapon at the other because the part of himself that was blinded had told him this was right and just. They said Alfonse would have killed him, if Kiran hadn’t been there. They said it and expected Hríd to be surprised.

Hríd had been afraid for them both ever since.

Sharena drags Anna outside, through the summer cold night fields of Askran dustgrass, so tall and light he could have mistaken it for a light snow, if he’d been less awake than the sickness in his stomach is forcing him to be. The frost cover on his hand doesn’t break as he shifts his grip on his sword from the naked blade to the hilt. It simply melts and reforms, a defensive basket hilt of fractal crystals blooming around his knuckles of its own accord.

Sharena drags him outside despite the part of him that is unprepared to deal with the word crisis and despite the part of him that wants whatever is happening to not be happening. She drags him outside, and she is right to, because she’s telling the truth:

The situation is out of control.

Zacharias and Alfonse are on the top of one of the many rises of low hills that ease around the east side of the Askran castle capital. Zacharias falls over right when Sharena and Hrid get close enough to see. Goes down hard on his back, but doesn’t stop to check himself. He pushes himself backwards through the grass, one shaking hand trying to keep himself upright as he scoots away, the other in front of him, warding away Alfonse.

Who, like Sharena, has numerous visible tears running down his face.

Who, like Sharena, is armed. Fólkvangr is sheathed in a worn, casual leather affair, slung low on a belt that’s affixed around untidy, hastily-donned practice armor. Hríd recognizes it as basic gear that can be gotten from the least secure parts of the armory. He knows all the weak points. He’s scared to find a part of himself already calculating them out.

“EVERYTHING!” Alfonse screams. Both he and Zacharias are both breathing far too far hard. Hríd begins to understand why Sharena, who was there for everything in the war, said I’ve never seen him yell before.

“I FORGAVE YOU EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! AND ALL THIS TIME-”

“Oh no...” Sharena says in a whisper. Her running falters, skips a step or two, slows. “He found out.”

She bolts.

Hríd runs after her.

“I never asked you for anything,” Alfonse says. The sudden return to a normal volume is all the more frightening to Hríd, as is the way Alfonse’s motions are loose and easy. He kneels beside Zacharias, the other man so tense it shows clearly in the way his high, tight shoulders strain at this shirt. Unlike everyone else present, he’s in full dayware. A complicated, Emblian thing with its many layers and ruffles that usually grace him perfectly, except today – tonight – it looks like it’s choking him. He has the tension of someone in pain, and when Alfonse gently places a hand on his face,the shudder that runs through him is awkward, and jagged.

“I never asked you for anything, and I forgave you everything.”

The hand Alfonse has on Zacharias’ face curls inward slightly. Hríd would think the gesture one of caring and kindness, except for the way it makes Zacharias' breath catch. Except for the way it makes the beginnings of a garbled pained groan struggle through Zacharias.

“I...can’t...” he manages. “I- nrgh- please.”

More tears pool in Alfonse’s eyes. “And you never cared, did you? You used me. You admitted it! I was just a weapon to destroy Embla. Just another weapon of war, just some other Folkvangr, some other Valaskjalf, some other Vigrithr…”

Zacharias shudders again. He pushes himself a few more inches away, but the two of them are connected by something Hríd has never, and likely, he thinks, will never understand. It’s hurting Zacharias. It’s as if Hríd can feel it, as if he can feel the forced-down, suppressed smoulder of the dark curse seething and clawing its way out of the ether.

It’s hurting. Alfonse’s hand is burning like the fire in Surtr’s eyes.

Hríd runs a little faster, makes it over one last banked slope and Anna beats him there.

She halts. Nóatún in her hand.

Sharena brightens, with the look of someone who has seen hope.

Hrid feels fear, but not his own.

“Anna, we’ve got to-” Sharena says, attempting to brush past her.

“Stop,” Anna commands. Her quiet voice rings nonetheless.

“I- What?”

“I told him,” Anna says, simply. It means something to Sharena, because she crumples back to the way she was before, when she first scrambled to find Hríd.

Up on the top of the hill, Alfonse has gotten even closer to Zacharias. If not for the way Zacharias keeps up a constant, increasingly weak attempt to back off, Alfonse would be cradling him by now.

“And when you told me...” he says, with a distance in his voice that’s not matched by the heartbreak in his eyes, “When you told me…that… but you never meant it. You couldn’t have. Not when… all this time, we… we could have…”

“I didn’t know,” Zacharias breaks in. His voice is hoarse, and strained with effort. The dark curse lurches unsteadily through him. It’s looking for a break in the armor, and oh, there are so many. Fighting is the art of reading someone and Hríd can read Zacharias so easily right now. He’s terrified. It’s shutting down his ability to move. Its tearing apart his ability to think. It’s begging him to drag Alfonse down on the ground beside him and straddle him and choke him to death before Anna and Sharena can do anything about it.

Hrid recoils, and then takes a step forward, and another, because he can do nothing else. It's out of control.

He walks straight into the flat of Nóatún, with enough force to stop him full on.

“NO,” Anna reiterates.

“Commander Anna,” Sharena protests, continuing an argument Hríd hadn’t been listening to. “With respect, Commander, you’re just wrong! I know him, he trained me! This isn’t right!”

Anna’s eyes narrow, and her stance shifts into one of preparation.

“With respect, Princess, we don’t have any other options.”

The debate rumbles on. Hríd looks down at Nóatún, blocking his path. A well cared for, polished, sharpened weapon that is flat against his torso. The ice on his own sword cracks like joints, clicking in preparation.

Resolving diplomatic situations, while an important part of his childhood training, had always been... well, pardon him, but a pain in the ass. Diplomacy was people, inventing tangles of mystery and half words, fermented concealed resentments, and admiration, and envy and needs. A dance in mist and fog. Lives on the line of every step.

He's never been good at creating diplomatic solutions.

Now, creating diplomatic problems...

Well.

He swings directly for the joint in the armor covering her right forearm. He can outfight most the Askrans even with one hand tied behind his back and the other sore and stiff with deep burn scars. On his worst day. In his worst life. This? Nóatún is so diplomatically placed with flat against his torso. She can’t bring the edge around fast enough to hurt him. Never mind that she's is distracted by Sharena’s debating, distracted enough that shes forgotten, for a second, that he wields with his left hand before his right.

He swings Gjöll and it cracks spectacularly against the seam at her elbow. The blade shatters into countless pieces, the haze of flak shredding through her cloth sleeves and the leather beneath. He keeps swinging, pivoting into the turn and backhanding her in perhaps the least court-sanctioned way to fight he knows how.

Her eyes widen a fraction. No one ever expects his training background.

She stumbles, and Nóatún slips from her numb hand. Still, she's sharp. She's pitched forward by the strike and unbalanced by the follow up but she’s sharp. She knows just how much he’s put into the attack so she snatches Fensalir from a shocked, still Sharena and uses it to re-balance herself in the precious second while he whirls around to face her, his sword re-coalescing into a smooth, flawless facet of crystalline ice as the fragments fly home, blood soaked.

Sharena covers her mouth, horrified.