#...it may be January but i already want to go as him for halloween (and thus conveniently have a costume of him for any other opportunities

[sideways-hedghog]

i cant tell if i'm Like This in part because i listened to all of muffins several times at the age of 13 or if i listend to muffins because i'm Like This

either way, i think that fact says a lot about me

[merbear25]

Experimental w/ Law (NSFW)

MDNI!!! +18

CW: smut, although based on a yandere quiz I took, it isn't yandere themed, bondage, vaginal penetration, creampie, afab!reader, light choking and slapping, slight female degration, rough sex, takes place in an abandoned asylum so there's mention of some equipment being used on reader.

A/n: I was inspired by my results from this quiz on Quotev. Wanted to make something that was more NSFW (of course changing other parts a little bit, too) Idc if the quiz is centered around Halloween and I'm writing this in January! It's always Halloween in my heart <3

Inspo: Your One Piece Yandere Horror Story

Despite having been on your fair share of adventures with the Heart Pirates, you still had yet to be paired up with Law. It was purely by chance that this was your first time one-on-one with him on a mission. You'd already shared pleasant conversations and been able to get to know each other on board the ship. You both seemed to like the other's company.

Having spotted the somewhat small egnimatic island in the distance, Law's curiosity was peaked and interested to thoroughly explore it. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but nonetheless, you'd been slipt up into groups to cover more ground.

Setting his sights on a white building peeking over the treetops, Law suggested the two of you search around its grounds. You saw no reason to protest, so you gladly journeyed along by his side.

When you both reached the building, its decrepit state was more than apparent. You hesitated to follow Law up the short flight of stairs to the main entrance. Looking back at you, he uttered, "Come on." Briefly maintaining eye contact, he broke it and continued through the rickety doors.

A sudden chill krept up your spine and made you hurry towards him.

"Didn't take you for such a scaredy cat," Law smirked over his shoulder.

Your cheeks grew rosey from slight embarrasement. Puffing out your chest a little, you strutted next to his side, "Being cautious is not the same as being scared."

His huff was the closest thing to a laugh you were going to get out of him.

Even though you were both checking the downstairs thoroughly, there didn't seem to be anything worth taking. You came across a few empty rooms with suspicious scratches on the walls that peaked your interest, though. Then, you both stumbled into what appeared to be an office. Thumbing through the files, you turned to Law and informed him of your suspicions, "These files are all of patients." He merely raised an eyebrow at your discovery. "They state each one's reason for being admitted." Looking down at the files you'd grabbed, you felt a twinge of sorrow.

"There's no use getting upset over what happened here," he went back towards the door, "It's all in the past and can't cause anyone any more harm."

"Somehow the room feels colder with you in it," You meekly responded.

Shrugging your comment off, he continued upstairs.

Not far from the railing a rusted sign down the hall caught both of your attention. Without having to bring it up, you simultaneously walked in its direction to check it out.

Forcing the door open, firstly your gaze settled on a dusty metal restraint table, then darted to the needles, pliers, and scalpels surrounding it, having once taunted those who were unfortunate enough to be made a spectacle of.

"This is more like it," he nonchalantly threw out and strolled past the equipment.

Slightly taken aback by that, you tried to regain your composure to avoid any more accusations of being a 'scardey cat'.

He touched the leather cuffs at the sides and your eyes met for a moment before averting his eyes back down to the cuffs. "Get on," coolly instructing you.

Leaving any fear you may have had at the door, you stepped forward trying to redeem yourself and reclaim your bravery. Gingerly easing yourself onto the contraption, your nerves started getting the better of you, shown by the tremors in your limbs.

The sight of your brave face being accompanied by shaking arms and legs was hard for him not to faintly chuckle at - he saw the glare you shot at him as a small price to pay. "It's not going to break," he reassured you while grabbing the side of the table and rocking it back and forth, "See? It's good quality. Not even that rusty."

Internally screaming and cursing this man to high heavens, you were far too stubborn to back out of this now. You laid down and before you could even finish asking 'now what?' he'd strapped your left arm down. "Don't move," he ordered. You watched him intently as he secured the rest of you and promptly locked the wheels in place. When he came up to the right side of you, he told you, "And don't worry. This'll be fun." Without any warning, he fastened your neck to the table.

Goose bumps were appearing from the cool metal prickling your skin and the rising and falling of your chest accompanied them. You barely had time to comprehend what'd just happened before he grabbed a scalpel and was admiring it. While he was tenderly pressing the blade against the tip of his index finger, you taunted him, "If you plan on using that on me, then I'd hope you have a tetanus shot to follow up with." A smirk reappeared on his stoic face and he bluntly asked, "Would you ever have sex in a place like this?"

Trying to convice yourself more than him at this point that you're brave, you huffed, "Sure. Why the hell not?" Your shrug went unnoticed. You decided to ask him the same.

Looking down at your form, a 'Might be fun' traveled past his lips. He hummed softly while tracing the curve of your hip and waist. You couldn't tell if your heart excelerated from the metallic touch or his. Which ever it was, his fingers found their way to your inner thigh. Gently squeezing the flesh that was so carelessly left exposed to the elements, his stare kept fixated on your expression. Trailing further up your leg, Law's fingers followed the lining of your panties. Your lovely cheeks were becoming more flushed and your delicate lips were quivering. With a bit more pressure, he ran his middle finger up and down your folds, which were still being concealed behind thin fabric. Finding your already swollen clit with ease, he ruthlessly toyed with it.

When the longing in your eyes became unmistakable, he eagerly yanked your panties down, swiftly pulling them down to your ankles. Wasting no time, he shoved his middle and ring fingers into you and after a couple of rough, fast paced pumps, his thumb persisted in tormenting your most sensitive spot.

Unable to freely squirm from the rush coarsing through you, you were reduced to whimpers and jerky thrusts in a desperate attempt at meeting his pace. You whined when you felt his hand pulling away from your needy pussy. A swift slap colided with your sweet spot and you drew in a sharp breath.

"Don't get ahead of yourself now." His other hand caressed your face. "I need you to understand who's in control here." Inching his face closer to yours, his focus shifted from your eyes to your lips. "Got it?" You nodded in agreement, but that wasn't enough for him. Your cheek received a firm slap and was hastily grabbed again, forcing your eyes to meet his. "Say 'Yes, sir.'"

You choked out his demand and were rewarded with Law's lips harshly meeting yours. His hand now gripped at your silky locks on the back of your head. As the kiss deepened, the other regained control over the lower half of your body.

Breaking away from your liplock, your breaths were harmonizing in desperate low moans. Your body still squirmed as if it was begging to be pounded mercilessly. Tightening his grip, his hand was now trapped between your clenched thighs, and he sighed in contempt, "Your cunt is throbbing." He tugged his belt loose but his hand hovered around his zipper. "Tell me how much you want it."

Lust overcame you, your chest felt hot, you couldn't deny him even if you tried, "Fuck," your hips bucked upwards, "I want you to fuck my cunt so badly. I need you to punish my throbbing pussy now," a sly smile appeared across your lips, "Please, sir?" You batted your doe eyes at him.

It seemed he couldn't get his pants off fast enough. Practically shredding the top half of his wardrobe off, he then swiftly climbed on top of you. Ripping your top and bra low enough, exposing your perky breasts and erect nipples, he just took a moment to admire their beauty before shoving his face in between their valley and softly twisting their peaks. Licking his way to the top of one, he sucked on it, fully allowing himself to bask in your beauty. He did so all while jostling your skirt up to your waist, leaving your most private areas completely bare.

You were just getting accostomed to his mouth when a sudden pain made you yelp. Law was holding your dainty nipple between his teeth and flicking the top bit with his tongue. Smirking up at you, he lunged himself forward, now towering over you. The tip of his cock twitched as it patiently waited to enter.

He leaned into a kiss and you hungrily plunged your tongue into his mouth, not even noticing a hand reaching over and behind your head. Your neck was forced back down, causing your breaths to be uneven. "This seems to have been loosened." Nipping at your nose he pulled away again, "That's better."

As he was repositioning his hips, you anxiously awaited the sensation you'd been chasing all this time. However, you couldn't have anticipated the sheer shock of him penetrating so agressively. Swirls of pleasure were muddled with pain, leaving only the restraints for you to brace yourself. Inspite of the twinges of pain being plundered into you, your wetness was fully coating Law's thighs.

The grip of the leather around your soft throat was harshly rubbing it. However, the uncomfortable pressure left your mouth parted and your eyes fluttered. Your body was tensing up, preparing you for climax. Your moans were growing louder and your hands struggled to find the much needed support from their leather confinements.

He was gracious enough to fuck you through your first orgasm of the day. It would've been far too cruel to pull out right as you were crossing that finish line. Though, as soon as you finished, he pulled out, leaving your body feeling like a hollow mess - aching to be filled once more. You whined in confusion, since you couldn't really see what he was planning for you.

You then felt the straps around your ankles fall off completely and his strong hands placed them on his shoulders. Before you had a chance to call out to him, he muzzled you with your own panties. Repositioning himself, you ended up being bent in half with his hands on either side of your head, gripping the top corners of the table.

No warning was given. He forcefully pushed past your swollen folds, granting him more dominance over your spasming slit. Your cries were still audible, but he loved hearing them being stifled by your dirtied lingerie. "You're such a slut, huh?" Although he was barely able to hold back his own moans, he couldn't help taunting you when you were in such a tempting state of vulnerability. "Gonna make you cum till you can't fucking see straight." With each seductive word, he showed no signs of letting up.

Tears were streaming down your temples, your hands still failing to firmly clutch to anything, your moans progressing into provacative screams, all of which were leaving Law in a state of pure ecstasy.

"Gonna stuff you full of cum, 'kay?" He'd been pumping so furiously, he could hardly speak, instead tiredly panting out to you. Nodding earnestly, you tightened around his length, encouraging him to drain his balls into you. With just a few more passionate plunges kissing your whomb, he offered every last bit of himself to you.

Catching your breaths was going to take a while. Gathering your barings was going to take even longer. The smell of sweat, bodily fluids, and musk surrounded the two of you and was far from dissipating, since the aroma of lust still had yet to be lifted.

Looking at your tear stained face, Law swept aside the dampened hair on your temple and kissed you with the first gentle one all day.

[otherpeoplesheartachept-2]

Year in Review

Thank you @stitchyqueer @ileadacharmedlife and @nausikaaa for the tags <33

It was nice to reflect on the year, I've been feeling shit lately and a bit like I didn't do anything for the past 12 months, but going back through my camera roll and stuff was a nice reminder that I actually did exist this year! yay

this post ended up being quite long so I'll put it under a cut

January: that all being said, January was pretty unremarkable lol

Febuary: this month is my gfs and my sister's birthdays :) I made the shirt for my sister and the Rauisuchus tiradentes for my girlfriend.

March: In March my girlfriend and I got two ferrets Dolchii (on the left) and Gluppii (on the right)!!!

My gf had been wanting more ferrets for a while (she already had one) so we got some! These guys are so sweet and silly and hyper. I love them so much. I also spend SO MUCH TIME playing Stardew Valley because of the update. (And not to brag, but on the new game file I started for the update, I completed the community center in the 1st year and unlocked ginger island in the 2nd year, and then essentially stopped playing for the rest of the year lol)

April: I wrote Stink Bug for the Carry On Sapphic Week. The rest of this month was sad, as my girlfriend's ferret Scooby passed. He was quite old for a ferret, and we kind of knew his time was coming, but my gf and Scooby had been best friends for eight years so it was a really hard time for her. He was such a good pet and friend and he's missed deeply

May: This month was not a whole lot better. Of course we were still mourning Scooby. And I spent most of May having the worst asthma attacks of my life. It was very stressful and added on top of all that, we had to move out of our apartment the next month, but because my lungs were so bad, I could barely pack anything.

June: Asthma was still doing its best to ruin my life, and we had to move!!! This move was genuinely so awful. So much went wrong, I spent like three days straight carrying boxes and furniture up 2 flights of stairs, I couldn't breathe, I was broke, and there are still some things I have not found since unpacking so I fear they are lost forever. on the upside, Dolchii and Gluppii very much enjoyed running around an empty apartment lol

July: July is usually busy but fun, it's my birthday, my nieces birthday, and my anniversary, but this year I got covid for the first time, so no birthday or anniversary celebration for me. Surprisingly and thankfully (with my lungs being as they are) I wasn't too affected by covid, it was just like a flu for me. So I made a lot of pixel art with nothing else to do while quarantining. I made this art of the main CO gang, the tiny mall wizard, the Smiling Friends gang that I never posted, and a rolly polly animation

August: this month was chill. The highlight was when I went camping at the coast and saw a weevil irl for the first time ever!!! I love bugs so much

September: My family and I went to an aquarium, a raptor center, and I found this really cool rock shop on the coast that I'd never been to before. I bought this tiny trilobite there. I also started playing Fields of Mistria which I quite enjoy.

October: HALLOWEEN!!!! my gf had the idea of us being like dnd characters for Halloween, so we got to work. My sister and I spend ages sewing a really sick cloak for my gf to be a wizard (and I'm realizing I have no picture of said cloak, but you have to believe me, it's cool lol) and i made some foam armor and painted myself green to be an orc. Unfortunately my girlfriend was sick on Halloween so we didn't get to wear our costumes together:( my sister got this lovely pic of me in mine tho. I also drew Egg Guy this month lol

November: I spent November prepping for the carry on countdown, posting Something Borrowed, Daydreaming, and If I were Him, if He were Me, and of course, being a mod for this event!!!

December: I managed to work on the coc and make people Christmas gifts this month! I made my sister a banana slug patch, and fixed the gar I gave her last year that she broke lol, I embroidered a little teacup for my mom, and made some felt casts and band aids for my niece to play doctor/vet with her stuffed animals. and I posted Lamb art, Are They Even?, Simon as a vessel, Teeth art, Brobelove Stardew au art, and a Carry On cross stitch. I think my favorite from the coc was my Lamb art, but the cross-stitch is a close second.

I feel like I spent a lot of this year just surviving, and I'm trying to remind myself that that is okay. and I am proud of myself for the art I did manage to make.

Going in to the new year, I want to be more consistent with journaling; I made 4 entries in my 2024 journal. I also want to continue working on pixel art and to get back in to embroidery more.

I hope you all are well and have a good 2025 :)

tags and hellos:

@that-disabled-princess @srirachafilledbees @dreamingkc @carryonmylovelies @jasonfunderberkerthefrogexists @the-beard-of-edward-teach @sillyunicorn @martsonmars @shemakesmeforget @witch-of-the-sands @thewholelemon @excalisbury @facewithoutheart and anyone else who'd like to participate or I have forgotten your username!

[xplrvibes]

some people on twitter are getting really mad at colby for apparently ‘ditching’ shea for his new girl saying shit like oh he led shea on and now he’s pushed her away lol

they’re fully acting like he’s committed an awful crime like why are they cancelling him 😭

(side note - i’m actually, whole heartedly convinced that half of the fandom genuinely hates colby and everything he does fills them with rage lmfao)

This is going to be a one and done, on this topic. I don't like Shea, don't like what she's doing. Never did like her, as you all know, because she has been an absolutely awful and manipulative bully and generally trash person over the years and I don't want her taking up too much space on my blog because of it.

But I felt the need to just put this out there before I move on, so here we go, behind a cut for anyone who doesn't want to hear it lol.

You know, I find this whole "taking Shea on her word all of a sudden" thing interesting.

According to Shea, they had a 10 year (even though he was still living in Kansas 10 years ago) "on-again, off-again thing" that was "mostly just talking" and was "never official," although it was "almost dating, but not official" for 2 years (even though there hasn't been a 2 year period where Colby hasn't been at least seeing someone, if not hooking up).

She doesn't seem to know any of his friends and not a single one of them follow her on socials - in fact, most of them unfollowed her several years back. Of particular note is the fact that Sam, after all these years of her being Colby's future wife, still hasn't followed her back...but has followed several of the other girls Colby's been linked to over the years, including M.

She never seems to have a clue about what is going on in his life and has been promising (and not delivering) fans content with Colby for years now - including her telling everyone that her and Colby were going somewhere to film a documentary in January of this year when Colby had already told everyone on xplrclub that he and Sam were going to be in Vegas or in Texas filming in all of Jan and then in Australia for most of Feb. She promised to have him on one her streams on a day when he was actually in Hawaii, then another day when he was actually in Kansas visiting family.

She hasn't been invited to a single party or group gathering of theirs since 2019, save for one time when she visited Colby and Sam in Las Vegas - which came across as very awkward, given the above.

She complained about never getting invited to snc's Halloween parties - you know, the ones that have 500-1,000 invitees and snc have claimed include an invite to every single person they know and are friends with? Yet Colby's soul mate gets left on the list somehow, 6 years running?? (One year he had four different past flings there at once. But the future Mrs. Shea Brock just didn't make the cut somehow)

Oh, bonus: she once told a gc full of her fans that Colby asked her out, but she turned him down because she valued the friendship too much. Funny how those turns tabled.

Colby meanwhile, has never hidden that he considers himself single, does not think he's met "the one," uses Raya to find dates, hooks up and has flings....he's not just pretending to be single, he IS single.

So. to recap: They have had a 10 year friendship and emotional bond that Shea deluded herself into thinking was more. Colby comes around her again after having had a cancer that could've easily rendered him unable to have children, and her grand idea is to tell this guy she freely admits she was never even dating that she wants to cash in on some vague promise he may or may not have actually made to her about getting married and having CHILDREN???

I'd have left her ass, too.

But sure. He's the bad guy. By the way, to hear Shea tell it, Colby did the same thing to her that Sam did to Kat. But all the people trashing Colby were the first ones in line to defend Sam from big bad mean Kat and her hurtful words because "he wasn't ready" and wah wah wah. Isn't that funny...and on par.

So yes, lol. Most of the people pissed about this are using any excuse put in front of them to trash Colby cause that is the only enjoyment they get out of life. Trust me when I say they are backing the wrong horse with Shea. She's not the hero victim y/n sainted good girl she pretends to be.

[florencemtrash]

The Wisp Between Worlds

CHAPTER ONE: BLACK WATERS

Acotar fanfic/rewrite. Inner Circle x OC. Eventual Azriel x OC.

Summary: Have you ever wondered what you would do (and do differently) if you found yourself trapped in the fantasy world of your dreams? For Nora, this fantasy of hers is about to play out when she finds herself portaled away to the Moral Lands south of Prythian. But all is not as it seems. Feyre Archeron is missing and the deadline to break Amarantha’s curse draws near. Who will save Prythian now?

Warnings: None for this chapter that I can think of, but expect angst, death, and sadness in the future.

Masterlist

________________

She needed to get outside. Callahan Barge was too tall, too sweaty, and too business casual for the kind of night she wanted to be having. Makeup swam down her skin cutting brilliant blue rivers down the tan of her cheeks. When she’d last caught a look at herself in the dusty bathroom mirror she’d been shocked and intrigued at the wide, kohl-lined eyes that stared out from beneath the glitter and paint. Lauren had decked her out in a skimpy, shimmering black dress, fish-net stockings, and the accompanying makeup to “let her live out her party fairy fantasies.” After all, she deserved to dress the part for her first Halloween as a 21-year-old. But that well-deserved fantasy took a hit when Callahan, cosplaying as an aspiring accountant (as per usual), started flirting with her at the bar.  

“Why don’t I buy you a drink?” his perfect white teeth gleamed in the UV light of the club glowing almost as brightly as the white button-down shirt he wore.

“I’ve got one already.” She stared directly in his eyes, taking a sip of the fruity mocktail the bartender had shaken up for her. He eyed the drink in her hands and she raised her eyebrow, daring him to make a comment. She was the designated driver for the night and the strongest liquid currently sloshing around in her cup was lemonade, but he didn’t need to know that.

“A second drink then?”

“No.”

He fiddled with his wrist watch, visibly flustered. “So about your thesis-” He began, desperately trying to spark a conversation.

“I have to go find my friends.”

“Oh right,” he pushed back his golden waves, “well hey, if you’re free after-”

Nora ducked behind the body of a passing security guard who’d been alerted to the sound of retching towards the right of the bar. Slipping nimbly through the crowd she tried to ignore the prodding of elbows and the occasional misplaced grinding of hips. Callahan was a nice guy, the kind that would have a position at Goldman Sachs by January and a 401k set up by May. The problem was he didn’t seem to understand why being randomly partnered with Nora for a creative writing assignment was enough grounds for a relationship. 

Fuck this. Nora thought to herself after five minutes of circling the lower and upper levels of the club. It would be impossible to find Lauren and Garett in this crowd and calling was pointless. The music raged from the speakers so loudly she could feel the bass rattling her bones.

She made her way towards the back doors, pressing against the sticky handle and sighing when the rush of cold, autumn air whisked the moisture from her skin. The wind carried the scent of the sea across the boardwalk. She breathed it in, having forgotten what air smelled like when it hadn’t been circulated through hundreds of drunken, jerking bodies. 

I’ll be outside for a bit. Let me know when you guys are ready to leave. 

With a whoosh the message was sent and she tucked the phone back into her pocket, wrapped her arms around herself, and made her way down to the pier. 

Aside from the handful of people smoking around the lamp post’s pool of light and the couple grappling at one another on a bench, the pier was empty. Nora kept her head down to give them all their privacy and walked to the edge, staring out at the inky black waters. She couldn’t see three feet past where the last lamp post feebly flickered, but she heard the licking of waves against the rocks, growling and slurping like some hungry creature.

Salt opened up her airways, leaving its distinct taste in her mouth and a faint burn in her lungs. It was in moments like this where she let herself wonder, truly wonder, about what would happen if she simply stepped over the edge and let herself get swallowed up.

You’d probably break your legs against the rocks you idiot. 

The thought of flailing about in the cold waters waiting for someone like Callahan to fish her out like a wet rat made her cringe.

I’d never actually do it. Stupid Freudian death drive.

It was just something she wondered about. What if there was something that was waiting for her? What if she was just wasting time waiting for the big thing to come along?

And what would that big thing be? 

Who knows.

And if it never comes?

Shut it.

Nora scolded her midnight thoughts. This was supposed to be a night of mindless fun and dancing and here she was standing alone in the cold being philosophical. But just as she turned away from the water a gust of wind brushed up against her back. No, not the wind… something else. A presence hovered over her shoulder, calming but unfamiliar as it traced down her spine. 

She froze, too scared to scream and too curious to move. Squinting her eyes she couldn’t make out any figures on the boardwalk or along the pier. She was alone.

Before she could make the executive decision to start sprinting back to the club, she heard it. Faint whispers curled around her ears, wrapping her in phantom arms until she could no longer feel the chill. Through the dozens of voices that called out to her in a mess of sounds and unintelligible words, one stood out. 

Low and silky and sensitive it asked, Where are you? Tell me where you are. Please.

Nora blinked.

The boardwalk faded away from her. She could still catch the faint outlines of the lamp post and railings, but more concretely she saw a room. Thick black curtains drifted along some invisible wind framing a brilliant city beyond that glowed like a thousand candles. The night sky was so crisp and clear she could make out every star.

She blinked again, readjusted her contacts, and it was gone. She was still on the pier alone and her vulnerability sent a shiver down her spine. 

The presence remained with her, breathing down her neck. She still couldn’t decide if she was afraid or not.

Wait… Run. RUN! The voice commanded her, barely a whisper in her ear despite the urgency of its words. 

Somewhere in the water far beyond where the light could reach, she felt a stirring, like the earth was rolling onto its side beneath her feet. A loud, low moan pulsed through the air and the pier’s wooden beams groaned in turn, protesting whatever force had begun to bend and snap them like toothpicks. 

Nora turned on her heels and started to run.

Fifty meters later and she was cursing her body, feeling the warmth in her legs build as she forced them to go faster. Breathe along to your favorite song, Nora. Dad had said that to her before every cross country race in high school. She was a shit runner then and she was a shit runner now. 

God I wish I kept running in college.

Another beam closer to her broke with a scream and Nora was thrown to the ground, landing awkwardly on stinging hands and knees as the water split open and began swallowing the pier. Like a beast it chomped at the wood, slurping the contents down into its throat. She dared a glance behind her and gasped as cracks formed along the surface of the ocean, blue-white light spilling outward. 

Scrambling to her feet she continued to run feeling the ground beneath her tilt further and further backward. The cracks deepened, crashing against wood. With a final sigh the last of the beams beneath her feet gave away, sinking into the mouth of the blue chasm below.

Nora screamed, lunging to the side to avoid the spear of wood that erupted by her legs. Cold water drenched her clothes, weighing her down as she was plunged into the frothy, glowing water. 

The pier had snapped in two. 

What are you doing you fucking idiot? Scream. She thought to herself. But even though she screamed, first in fear and then in frustration, no one heard her.

Nora gasped as the blue light finally reached her, wrapping around her body. She wished she had the mind to appreciate its beauty, but all she could think about was the terror that fueled her muscles to keep swimming, even as the current dragged her further down.

“HELP!” 

She begged anyone who might still be on the pier. She prayed to God, pleaded with the voice that had tried to warn her. 

No one’s coming to help. No one could help even if they wanted to.

Nora looked back, helpless as the water consumed her.

When her body had sunk beneath the depths - deeper than anyone could fathom - the portal sealed itself and there was nothing left but the ruined pier and the silent lamp posts as witnesses.

________________

Author’s Note: Hi! As the summary already mentions, this is going to be an acotar rewrite with an OC that’s really just a cooler, more competent version of myself that I like to insert into every book I read. It’s been over a year since I finished reading the main trilogy so apologies if I don’t get the plot/plot elements exactly right (but also I might change the plot to better suit the story). I don’t know how many chapters this will be yet, but I have a small chunk of it already written and am hoping to get some regular posting schedule worked out. Thanks for reading this little blurb and I hope you enjoy! 

[happy-tori-friends]

Birthday Headcanon List

As promised I finished the birthdays today. Somehow a lot of them ended up in the same months. RIP to December, not a single representive.

Flippy/Fliqpy: October 2nd, the day Party Animal aired, and the only date that will have a reasoning related to a specific episode. Fliq just considers it his own birthday as well. He doesn't really care though - having the same birthday is just more convenient for him, because he already sees himself as the same age as Flippy. It's just easier to keep track of.

(Some consider it to be in late May because of Hide and Seek's air date / Party Animal was uploaded to YouTube in late May too + it being said he was a gemini somewhere, but... it's my fic series I do what I want. I also. chose this because I jokingly made a Fire Emblem Awakening avatar of him and picked this date because I didn't know at the time. I have the gay mod. He married Lon'qu before I stopped playing.)

Lifty and Shifty: May 24th. You two can be late May geminis, juuust like me. (I love projecting onto the faves :]) This one's based off Vibes rather than anything else, but it does mean Oblivion started after this date because they're already 19. Probably starts right after their birthday? I know I have to do some editing already but when I get a concrete timeline I may have to edit one line in the first work? I might just edit it to where Shifty doesn't mention how old they are in the first place anyways.

Splendid and Splendont: April 28th, national superhero day! ...Yeah. This is the route I'm going, for the sillies.

Pop: May 16th, national barbecue day. Predestined to love doing it.

Cub: September 9th, national teddy bear day.

Cuddles: April 4th, international carrot day.

Giggles: August 19th, national bow day.

Toothy: August 22nd, the second national tooth fairy day. This was the last one I did and the first date is already someone else's birthday.

Petunia: March 21st, national flower day.

Handy: March 11th, national tool day.

Disco Bear: July 2nd, national disco day. In New Zealand. Doesn't matter where though, as long as it's somewhere. First one I noticed not being America specifically.

Flaky: June 10th, anxiety awareness day.

Nutty: November 4th, national candy day. I considered Halloween but I think this fits a teensy weensy bit better.

Sniffles: February 28th, national science day in India. Surprised there isn't one in the USA.

Lumpy: January 25th. Moose day.

Lammy: October 26th. I wanted more variety, haha... This is the date of hug a sheep day in 2024.

Mr Pickels: November 14th. That's national pickle day. I figured he could be included because why not.

Russell: September 19th, talk like a pirate day.

Mime: April 17th, world circus day. (According to some sources, at least. Some say the third Saturday in April, some say the 17th.)

Mole: February 2nd. Groundhog Day. It's not the same, but they made Resetti do it in Animal Crossing. He'll never see his shadow, though.

Cro-Marmot: January 1st. For some reason, I think this is funny.

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #26 Murder Mystery Part One

Mr. Smith woke up early that morning, excited to start his new job. He ran down the marble staircase of his new mansion like a child on Christmas morning. It was the perfect comparison- after all, children had a lot in common with Mr. Smith- their genius level IQ and their maturity level.

Mr. Smith saw his friends crowding around the middle of the stairs. Curious about the commotion, he called out to his friends. “Hello, Philip! Bob, Frankie! Where’s Simon? He’s supposed to help me with my Abnormal Psychology homework. My professor says if I continue to not do assignments, my grade will drop significantly! I’m already at a negative 200 in the class!”

“I’m right here,” Simon replied. Mr. Smith saw that Philip was dangling Simon over the edge of the stairs. “Philip wanted me to give him money, and I said no.”

Mr. Smith turned to Philip. “But you have $1 million in the bank after you blackmailed that movie star last week.”

Philip sighed. “I lost the check. I gave it to Amy for safekeeping. She said she put it somewhere secret, and then forgot where.”

“Oh. My. God!” Amy yelled from behind Mr. Smith. “I trust the wrong people with my money TOO! One time, I found a gold bar just sitting there in the middle of the street. Someone forgot it was there! I took it home, like, kaa- ching I’m rich! I gave it to Susan to hide, and then later I found out where she hid it- in the back of a random person’s truck! We ran out to the road only to see them driving away! I never saw that gold again. It was so ANNOY- ING!”

“That WAS annoying!” Susan walked up beside Amy. “Something like that happened to me TOO! One time, I was working as a security guard at a bank, and someone was robbing the bank, and they told me to guard the diamonds in the back because apparently, diamonds are like, really expensive! I realized that when robbing a bank, a robber would find the diamonds too easily in the safe! So I took them out and gave them to some guy in a black mask to hide! I still don’t know why I got fired!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Why was he wearing a mask inside the bank? Was it Halloween?”

Susan sighed. “It was July. Sometimes they do Christmas in July, so I just thought it was Halloween in July.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “What month is Halloween in again? Was it Smithtober?”

“That’s not a month-“ Simon interjected.

“Yes it is!” Mr. Smith yelled. “Smithtober is the thirteenth month of the year, after December! They named it that because, a hundred years ago, my great grandfather Everett Smith singlehandedly destroyed the Germans in World War Two! Everett Smith bribed the German troops in China with chocolate! The Germans surrendered the battle, all because they were too distracted eating chocolate to fight. Everett Smith was declared a hero, and that day, originally January 1st, officially marked the new month, Smithtober, which is the shortest month of the year at 7 days.”

Philip finally pulled Simon back on the staircase. “Everett Smith was a great man. To think, we wouldn’t have won the war without him!”

“Grandpappy Smith is a lucky man,” Mr. Smith said. “To be the son of an American hero! One who even knew Chinese, in addition to speaking American, his first language! Grandpappy Smith even taught me some Chinese! I can say hello and how are you! Quack quack, meow!”

“He is certainly a true genius,” Philip said. “Just as we are TRUE platonic lovers.”

“Yes!” Mr. Smith said. “We’re a platonic power couple!”

Philip glanced down at his watch. “We’d better get going. We’re supposed to be at the mansion in thirty minutes.”

***

Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Smith and his friends arrived at the mansion. They were supposed to help prepare meals in the kitchen for the owner’s guests. Mr. Smith may have been living in a mansion, but he was far from rich. He kept spending thousands of dollars on groceries because Simon ate all the food in the fridge every time Mr. Smith went shopping. Philip always said it was a miracle Simon was so skinny. Mr. Smith would have agreed, but he didn’t know what the word miracle meant, despite having worked as a missionary the previous year.

Mr. Smith knocked on the front door. They waited for a few minutes, then a man in a suit opened the door. Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “You’re wearing a suit! Are you Alfred, from Batman?”

The butler glowered at him. “No.”

Philip chimed in. “Alfred is Spiderman’s butler, Mr. Smith.”

Mr. Smith began counting on his fingers, pointing to places in space. “So I got the wrong movie? Is that why he said no?”

“I’m not Alfred. My name is Steven. Batman is a work of fiction!” The butler snapped.

Mr. Smith’s face went blank. “Fiction? I don’y know what that is.”

“It means it isn’t real!” Alfred Steven snapped. “There is no Batman!”

Next to Mr. Smith, Simon began to cry. “There, there, Simon,” Mr. Smith patted Simon’s back. “Don’t let the mean butler Alfred ruin your dreams.”

Steven huffed. “Please, come in. Mr. Crowley is expecting you.”

Mr. Smith followed Batman’s butler inside. They passed through the kitchen, where several other staff members were working. They were working hard preparing breakfast for Mr. Crowley, a man whose first name Mr. Smith had already forgotten. Mr. Smith noticed one man was making pancakes with blueberries, so Mr. Smith grabbed a handful of berries from the bowl, causing the man to glare at Mr. Smith.

They came upon the dining room. There, Mr. Crowley had several guests over for breakfast. Mr. Smith gasped when he saw all the guests. “YOU! The gay geniuses! And that famous movie actor, Harrison Crowley! Oh no! What are YOU doing HERE?!”

Harry glared at Mr. Smith. “I live here. Who hired you as my kitchen worker?!”

Mr. Smith gasped again. “I thought YOU were a different Harrison Crowley! Oh no! What do I do?!”

Harry sighed. “You can start by making us breakfast.”

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” Leo chimed in. “He might put rats in the food.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “I don’t want to serve you!” Mr. Smith paused, scratching his head for several minutes. “Oh I know! How about YOU make the food for ME! The we’ll see who has the power here! A TRUE genius or you fools!”

“I have 160 level IQ,” Harry said. “So it looks like you’ve got something right.”

Mr. Smith began to stare ahead blankly for several minutes. Finally, he spoke. “Is 160 higher or lower than infinity? I forgot.”

Leo snickered. “It’s lower.”

Mr. Smith threw his hands up in frustration. “Why did no one tell me this before?! I made it all the way through Elementary School!”

“They teach that in Elementary School,” Said a new person. It was a 19 year old boy, sitting next to a boy who looked about 20. “You must have fallen asleep in like, every class.”

Mr. Smith narrowed his eyes. “I’ve never seen you before! I recognize Alex, his mean boyfriend, Janie, Leo and Ritchie! Who are you two new people?”

“I’m Kevin, and this is David. We’re friends of Harry’s,” The 19 year old boy said.

Mr. Smith smirked. “I have more friends than you smart people! Ha! Who has the power now?”

“Us. You’re working for us, remember?” The 20 year old, David, smirked.

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “You’re MEAN!”

Gerald scratched his head. “My Mama says I’m smart. That makes it true, don’t it?”

Dominic peered at his friend. “I think so. Don’t most people believe everything their Mama tells them, at age 30?”

Evan stroked his chin. “How old am I again? I thought I was negative 200.”

Harry chuckled. Chris facepalmed, and Leo and Ritchie groaned. Alex, David and Kevin were in hysterics. “So you haven’t been born for another 200 years?” Kevin asked.

“That’s completely illogical.” Leo added.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “Is illogical a type of math? Like the math Evan is trying to use to figure out his age? Oh no! I should have brought my calculator!”

“I doubt that would resolve the issue,” Leo sighed.

“My calculator can resolve any problem!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the table.

Harry clapped his hands. “Why don’t you stop arguing with my guests and go work in the kitchen with the others? Come on!”

Mr. Smith pouted, but Philip took hold of his arm. “Come on. Let’s show these chumps how much better we are than them by not getting fired this time! Or quitting!”

“Fine!” Mr. Smith huffed. “Mr. Smith won’t be a loser today!”

“Just tomorrow and every day after that,” David snickered.

Mr. Smith growled, but was lead into the kitchen by Philip. In the kitchen, workers were tirelessly slaving away, making sandwiches for Harry and his guests. They were complicated sandwiches too- peanut butter and jelly! Mr. Smith got right to work, eager to prove himself. He wouldn’t forget a single ingredient this time!

They were twenty minutes in when suddenly they heard a crash from the other room. “Oh no!” Mr. Smith yelled. “It must be my younger brother, here to ruin my day! Freddy Smith! When I try to be responsible, he shows up and ruins it! Oh no! What do I do? Now I’ll never prove to those chumps that I’m the TRUE genius!”

Philip sighed. “I’m sure Freddy isn’t here. I’ll go investigate the noise.”

To Be Continued In Part Two (Post Available Now)

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2009 It’s been a very peaceful Halloween being out in the woods and away from pesky civilization. It was also quiet today between Jesse’s being home and the weather being warmer.

Didn’t do all that great on tonight’s German lesson but am 75% through 101 with a 92% accuracy rate.

Some people laugh at my use of the word “only.” Such as when I said I was currently fluent in only 3 languages, and when I described a certain day back in Arizona as being mild and only 108º. A cashier who once drooled with envy when I could sit on my hair cracked up when I spoke of the days it was only to my waist.

I was thinking I should get if not a California license, then at least a California ID. I think I’ve been living in California with an Arizona driver’s license with an Oregon address on it long enough.

I also think I should get my own debit card. It’s never good to keep money in just one place anyway, and if anyone’s learned this the hard way a couple of years ago, it’s us.

Meanwhile, November’s when we get his Mac back, December’s when we get my new glasses (or contacts if I can get up the guts to try them), plus other things we could use around here, then January is when we begin to save, save and save! By June I estimate will have enough for a new vehicle if this one crapped out and wasn’t worth fixing. By next December I estimate we’ll have that plus 3-4 months of rent saved.

Right now we’re thinking the best time to go to Italy will be when we’re waiting for our new house to go through and all that. A few months before I know when we’re going for sure I’ll really push for fluency with the Italian. It shouldn’t take long since I know other romance languages and the general rules of how they work. My brain is also wired for that sort of thing anyway.

So now we learn that the healthcare reform thing was basically just a joke, though I pretty much figured as much from the get-go. Tom was all excited about it, but as I tried to tell him, “Don’t be so naive, gullible and quick to believe everything you read! People love to make false promises. Especially at a time when people are so down on their luck and need to hear anything that sounds good to help keep them going. Meanwhile, nobody’s gonna give us shit. Our government cares more about taking care of other countries and not its own people. We have to wait till we’re 65 to get insurance because you sure as hell won’t be getting any job that offers insurance IF you can ever get another job again in the first place.”

As much as I hate cold weather, sometimes I think we ought to just take the Macs, laptop, stereo, iPod, maybe the camera, some clothes and some toiletries like shampoo and toothpaste, leave everything we can’t sell, then head on up to Canada where they insure everyone. But I know we wouldn’t survive the transition and I don’t know that they do retirement communities.

I’m just so worried about our future! The present might look better with the MT and all that, but the long-term future just looks so incredibly bleak. :( I fear that instead of “going home” in 3 years we’ll be killing ourselves instead in about 2 years if there are still no jobs when his extensions run out and we don’t want to be total street bums.

Thanks, God. Thank you so much for caring about my husband and I. Your love for us really shows.

Meanwhile, I’m not going to “try” to get to a dentist and I’m not going to “hope” for one either! That’s just no fucking way to have to live. Do you know how many things could go wrong with a person’s health in 21 years on top of the dental problems they may already have?! Well, if we survive this recession in the first place that’s how long I’ve got till I can get Medicare. :(

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2009 Made a couple of bucks in less than 5 minutes and am slowly going blond while I’m at it. Well, semi-blond. Blond is my least favorite hair color, but gray is also the ugliest color in the world. I still don’t have much gray; just a little at the temples and forehead plus a few sprinkles elsewhere. But I thought that if I lightened it up little by little the gray roots wouldn’t stand out as much. I’m not going to lighten it too much, though, because I simply wouldn’t look good as a blond either way. Right now, between the last dye job and the California sunshine, it’s a light golden brown.

The good news is that I’m easily going to beat my $100 goal for the month of October. As soon as I get everything that’s pending, plus whatever else I’ll make today and tomorrow, I should be closer to $130 - $150. Between the two of us, it’s like getting his pension money early, plus more!

It’s neat to get paid to write articles and various things that get published in magazines and online, plus other kinds of jobs I do in both English and Spanish. Nothing in Italian or Portuguese yet, though I’m not as good yet in those languages or with German. The German classes have slowed down since I’ve been busy working, but weekends are slower so that’s when I usually catch up on things like that.

Got a letter from Rosa. She made me a Halloween card. I sent her the notes we swapped late one night so as not to wake Tina up by talking out loud and she was amazed that I kept it all these years.

She said she misses home, of course, and her son and mom, but that she tries to keep busy. She said people are always at her door wanting her to make birthday cards or cards for other occasions, and she’s usually tired by the time she’s alone. I didn’t know you could be “alone” anymore in prison than you could be in jail. She’s lucky if that’s the case.

It’s been chilly at night, but the days have been warm and sunny. We might even hit 80º in a few days. :)

Tom called Jesse shortly after I got up today at 11:00 and let him know that he discovered that he hadn’t turned the cooler valve off all the way so that’s why water was running off. There’s also a leak in the plastic line which Jesse says he’ll replace, but as Tom told him, there’s no reason that can’t wait till next year. I still think there’s a gap in the roof by the door too, and that it’ll leak in front of the door when it rains.

I just don’t see how Jesse could’ve seen the water dripping onto the porch from his place like he claims. Maybe with binoculars, but I don’t see how he could see it through all the trees and brush.

Speaking of trees, he’s also going to be dragging a dead tree by our place at some point which I’m sure will have to be when I’m asleep. The bulldozer is broken down right now so he has to fix it first.

I just wish he would do something to shut his fucking dogs up when he leaves! Three times I had to yell at them after he left on the motorcycle around noon. I was so glad to hear him come back just before 2:00. But it’s Friday night so he might still go get shitfaced somewhere. I’m sure the dogs will let me know it if he does.

The whole thing just makes me want to get our own dog even more. If we have to listen to barking every place we go, why not have it be our own for once? It’s like when neighbors blast music. People figure that if they’ve got to hear music for a while it may as well be their own, and so they join right in. We’ve also had a string of bad luck with rats ever since Tinkerbell died, and I like the idea of having something that lives longer than two years. But I don’t like not having a doggy door or an enclosed yard!

I’ve decided not to renew my Webshots membership this year, though they do say you can store up to 1000 pics with a free membership and I’ve got 993, so my pics will still be there. I’m just sick of all the holiday pics! Who the hell needs a dozen Halloween pics and so far in advance of the actual date? It’s worth saving $30, even if it means losing out on some of the better premium pro shots. I’m also archiving my pics in Yahoo either way.

Kiwi’s to launch 3.0 on Monday, something no one’s at all happy about.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2009 My entries have really been lacking, haven’t they? Work’s been so good that I’ve been pretty busy. Initially, I set a goal of $3.25 a day so I could make $100 a month. Then I started to think I’d be lucky to get just $2.00 a day. Lately, however, I’ve been making $10-$15 a day! Not bad for a few hours of work in the comfort of home. So while I may not be God’s little princess, I ain’t His poor-ass bum anymore either! Hopefully, He’ll go beat on someone else’s head with money for a good long time and leave ours alone. It’s people who don’t give a damn and who don’t want to work that deserve to struggle. Not us! As I told God the other day, “Yo, do you think we’re Puerto Rican or something? Well, we’re not and we really do want to work!”

But sadly there won’t be many new jobs coming around this area for quite some time to come, so it’s nice to at least be able to work online for once and make more than a few cents a day. So now our monthly income should be around $1600 a month, plenty comfortable with our rent being only about half of that. We were even able to have the tank filled with propane today for $200. So 120 gallons of that should keep us set till early February. I had just gotten up when the guy came.

I also got to wake up to the tune of barking, too. Yeah, lucky me, huh? It’s really sad that we have to deal with this in every place we live, but that’s the west for you. And it’s not going to stop with an adult community either, should we ever make it into one. But it’s the only place we can buy something without the loud music and kids in the picture as well. I’m surprised Whiskey didn’t go on and on all day, but I’m sure that the colder it gets, the more he’ll bark. It’s obviously a temperature/seasonal thing.

Jesse left a message saying he noticed the water dripping onto the porch just in front of the door we use. Tom will call him tomorrow after he goes up on the roof to see what he can see. It’s probably coming from the cooler even though we turned the water off for the year. Jesse also did a shitty job on the porch roof. At least the part by the door. There’s obviously a gap somewhere up there for the water to be able to get through in the first place.

What scares me is knowing that this could all be for nothing; this saving up money and all that. Maybe his extensions will run out in a couple of years and maybe there still won’t be any jobs and maybe the government will decide not to give any more extensions. After all, they’ve got to send our money to other countries. Fuck their own people. I mean, what do we deserve? We’re only from here.

As for a dentist, I’ve given up. I totally give up on being teased with the prospect of ever seeing a dentist. I’ve simply resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to ever see one and therefore I’ve quit hoping for that. I said to myself the other day, “Face it, Jodi, if you were meant to see one you’d have seen one by now. It’s obviously not going to happen, so move on to something that’s doable.”

IDK, maybe something up there just doesn’t feel I deserve to see a dentist, or maybe it just doesn’t give a damn. All I know is that even though we’re doing much better, we’re never going to have that kind of money or insurance since they’d obviously rather just talk about healthcare reform and not actually do anything about it. If the fucking government cared about its own people any more than it did terrorists in Palestine, they’d already have given us insurance. I know no one’s gonna get shit and I’m not going to let myself be belittled, in a sense, with this impossible dream of seeing a lousy dentist. Besides, I have gone this long on my own after all, and I can just take a pain reliever when they really get on my nerves. The teeth still have to die sooner or later anyway, don’t they? Either way, sometimes you want to do something for so long, but you can never do it for whatever reason, and so you finally just give up altogether. Even if I were suddenly insured by some miracle, I’m tired of even thinking of dentists! I’ll get by on my own.

I think the same thing happened with the idea of having a kid. I wanted one for years and I believed I was infertile after years of not being able to conceive. Then one day I had a miscarriage and by then I was so damn sick of the subject that I just didn’t care. So it wasn’t just about me deciding I wanted to keep my life and my freedom. Yeah, that was part of it. But when one anticipates something for so long it just has a way of getting old and wearing off. The only thing I can’t imagine fading with time is the desire to own our own home, preferably one that isn’t a million years old. But maybe it will. Maybe I’ll decide I like renting trashy old trailers by the time he finally turns 55. I just wouldn’t count on that one! Contrary to some people’s beliefs, though, we only have so much control over our destiny and can only be in the driver’s seat so much. All we can do is try our best to achieve what we want. The rest is up to fate. If we’re not meant to have a home – and I would say that being run out of one and losing two others would be a good indicator of what’s in our cards – then there’s not much we can do about it.

For the first time ever I wanted to hug Obama. That’d be when he signed the first federal gay rights law. I nearly fainted with shock when I read about it what with all the false promises those in politics usually make. I definitely can’t say all blacks are like the ones who victimized me for being white and Jewish and asking that they keep their music and trash off our property. I wonder why the change of heart, though, as he sure did a good job of coming off as quite a bigot in saying he thought marriage should be between a man and a woman. To hear someone say that may be sick, but it’s even sicker to hear this from a black person of all people who should know firsthand what it’s like to be discriminated against. I could’ve sworn he said he thought marriage should be between a man and a woman, but that he didn’t hate gays and I was like, then why would you want to exclude them from anything? If you don’t hate someone, you wouldn’t want to suppress their rights as far as I’m concerned.

Ok, this entry’s getting to be kind of long, longer than I expected, so I’m calling it a night for now. Fatso Ratso and Mr. Ratitude will no doubt want their dinner by now.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2009 I’m actually writing this entry by hand which I plan to type up later when the power is back on. I was sitting at the kitchen table finishing up my breakfast (Tom was still asleep) when the power suddenly died. This was around 7:00. So I called up to Jesse and he didn’t have any power either. The question is whether or not they’re working on something or if the big windstorm we’re supposed to have knocked the power out. I just hope it’s back on soon cuz it’s 62º in here! At this time of year, we don’t get any direct sunlight till around 11:00 being up against the mountain where the sun rises, and so it’ll be quite a while before it even hits 70º in here.

I almost feel like I’m being compensated for all the money I made yesterday. Yeah, yesterday was a great workday. Lots of easy jobs with better pay than usual.

Anyway, after I threw on my mom’s jammies which I appreciate immensely since I haven’t owned a pair in years, I made some hot tea. The bottoms threatened to slip off while I was at it, but I got by. I also threw on one of her sweatshirts, another thing I appreciated. I hate long sleeves, so between that and living in warm climates, I haven’t had much in the way of long sleeves either.

Hey, I’ve been keeping a journal for exactly 22 years now! On this very day 22 years ago I went to the Enfield mall with Jenny (I can’t believe I had such stuck-up selfish friends like her, but most of us do at 21) and got my first journal in 1987. I wrote by hand until 1993 when I met Tom.

Ok, back on track now. After my tea, I realized I had only 4 things I could do. I could eat. I could work out. I could listen to my iPod. Or I could lie in bed bored out of my freaking mind. I decided to write instead.

Later on, we’re going to get burgers and fries. I could light our propane stove/oven with a lighter, but I’ve been craving burgers and fries anyway. I also lost another pound, so why not?

My hand is cramping up on me because I’m not used to writing by hand so I’ll stop for now.

Whiskey just went off for a bit so Jesse must’ve left. I didn’t see the freeloaders’ dogs so I guess it just must be that time of year.

Later…

It turned out to be a pretty fun day. We left around 11:00 for Carl’s Jr. Their burgers and fries are scrumptious! The place was clean, warm, sunny and surprisingly quiet.

Then we browsed through the Goodwill store since it was close by and I grabbed some more incense.

When we returned the power was back on and now the place is just beautiful with all the afternoon sunshine and the windows open. We definitely won’t need the cooler today, though. There’s a beautiful breeze out today too, but it’s not as windy here as it was in town being nestled against the mountainside like we are.

That’s it for now. Off to work I go!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2009 Jesse didn’t work last week, but he’s working this week. Whiskey went off at 8:00. Gee, it must be coming up on November. :( I had just started putting lotion on my feet and decided that I’d go out and yell up at him if he was still going off when it dried, but he stopped. Still, I’m afraid it’s just a little sneak preview of the shit I’m going to have to listen to until April. It sucks too, not just because excessive barking is no fun to have to deal with no matter what, but it’s going to really distract me from my work.

Tom just got up now and is bogging the net watching a show so that’s why I’m catching up on my writing and proofreading now. I love the guy, but I’m so sick of him being home day after day. Just every single fucking day of every week! I like to be the first one up yet I only get to wake up when he’s asleep 3 times in like 2 weeks. This is the only thing I miss about him having an outside job. I miss having the place to myself at times when he’s not in the way when I’m cleaning or here to distract me from whatever. I would still rather make little money on our own than lots of money with him working elsewhere.

Anyway, I was thinking of the day we own our own place again, have sufficient space, and the freedom to do as we please with it. I really do hope Tom’s right too, and that it does happen! The only dark cloud over the idea is having so much barking so close to us. When I think about it, 90% of the noise we’ve had to live with since being together has been from dogs. I’d say only about 10% of it has been from loud music and kids or excessive car door slamming. But a retirement community is still certainly better than just any community because then we limit the sounds to just barking and maybe some door slamming if they have company 3 times a day like most folks out here seem to.

For the longest time, I’ve been saying there are just two things keeping our lives from being perfect. Lack of money, and worrying about who’s going to take care of us when we get too old to fend for ourselves since we opted out of children in the end. Most of the time we’ve been together we’ve made 30K - 50K a year so we’ll probably have money again at least for a while. It’s the other thing that’s bothered me. It’s easy to say I hope to be the one to die first so I won’t have to be alone and won’t have to deal with the heartache of losing him, but if I were the one to go first, then who would he have by his side in his final days??? Then a simple solution crossed my mind, but it’s not a good one. I’d always hoped we’d each have someone, even if it were just a bunch of indifferent hospital staff, by our sides in the end. However, if we killed ourselves the minute either one of us was diagnosed with something terminal, that’d sure make it easier, wouldn’t it? Ugh, I hate to have to think of it either way and trying to tell myself it’s way too soon to be worrying about shit like that doesn’t always work!

I just might make my goal of $100 after all in my first month at MT. There was a lot of work over the last week, but now it’s slowing down again so I won’t know for sure until the month ends.

I just went out and yelled at Whiskey to be quiet when he started up again and he quieted down right away. But not even a few minutes later he was going off again. I stormed over to the door saying, “What good is the command going to do if it’s only going to work for 10 minutes?!” Then I saw our typical lazy, defiant Mexican neighbors’ dogs back on the loose again. So tomorrow it’s off to call the complaint line again like Jesse told us to for what will no doubt be the fourth time when they’re supposedly supposed to lose them. They’ll just get new dogs to turn loose if they do as that’s just what Mexicans do; they do things their way and their way only, and that’s usually to annoy as many people around them as they possibly can. Then when Tom goes back to work we’ll literally be paying for them to do it, too. Hopefully, today was just an occasional occurrence where the dogs got loose accidentally, but I don’t know. They’ve gotta be just itching to rebel by now. Again I’ll ask, how can these people complain that no one likes them if they’re going to treat people the way they do and be so inconsiderate and rude? Why can’t they be like everyone else around here? Everyone else has been a fine neighbor. No problems there. So if others can behave, why can’t they? The dogs aren’t just annoying with the way they bark and stir up Jesse’s dogs, but these are pitbulls, and pitbulls can be pretty dangerous. They need to be kept tied up and on their own property.

Tom went out and tried to nail them with a rock when they went down into the ditch, and it would’ve been the perfect shot too, had it not hit a tree branch. Figures, huh?

We’re going to have to fire up the heater today. There’s no getting away with it anymore, especially at night now that it’s getting down into the 40s. And we’re also going to have to call the propane guys out soon too, as the tank’s down to 12%. In fact, Tom’s struggling to light the heater now, saying we should get $200 in propane this week. Yeah, AFTER he struggles to light the heater he says will be easy to light if he just removes the spring door while he’s at it. OMG, he got it lit! He really did. I’m impressed.

Down a pound for some reason and that’s really about it. Since I’ve been working my ass off, which is why my entries have been lacking, I’m going to take it easier today and catch up on other things I’ve been neglecting.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2009 I won a coupon for a free box of those Little Debbie cupcakes Tom loves so much, so that’s cool.

Finally heard from Mary, too. She’s depressed, as expected, but hanging in there. She says the place she’s in now which is in Ft. Lauderdale is so horrible cuz it’s run like a boot camp and the officers there are like drill sergeants and they keep them really busy. She’s also in a huge dorm with 60 people. So much for prison being more comfortable than jail! She did say, however, that they sell radios, soda, coffee and pizza there. So at least she’s got that much to look forward to.

The last paragraph of her letter made me smile. Not just because of the suggestion itself but because I was glad to see she’s at least able to think of – uh – well, these kinds of things despite her predicament, LOL. She said I should write a book with two lesbian lovers and have one be a dominatrix.

I’ll keep that in mind, though I do romantic suspense, and well, a dominatrix hasn’t yet exactly fit any of the roles I’ve had in mind so far for characters, but we’ll see. I haven’t even been writing much of anything in the first place because I’ve been swamped with work. Been doing these transcriptions that are actually of good audio quality for a change, and plugged right into the “hit” as they call it, so there’s no downloading and setup involved or anything like that. But I expect the work will come in waves, so when the jobs are lacking I’ll do other things.

The money’s building up nicely and so is my weight. Yeah, if I don’t quit this shit with all the binging I’ve been doing lately it’s just gonna keep going up and up and up! I’m 126 pounds now.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2009 I hear a garbage truck somewhere off in the distance. It’s obviously coming from down the mountain somewhere, cuz no one this far up the mountain has trash service.

Eileen and I exchanged emails throughout yesterday morning and a little bit into the afternoon. Then she had to get ready to move. I guess moving day is tomorrow.

Anyway, there wasn’t much work and then tons of jobs came flying in. They nearly cracked 100,000 hits. I’ve been working on and off all night, but when tons of hits come in within the same job, I don’t want to get carried away doing too many in case they’re just going to end up rejecting my work. I did some huge writing projects and other piddly little things.

I also think I may now know what’s going on with my heart. Yeah, I forgot about tachycardia, but that seems the most likely. It’s nothing serious; just a bit of a faulty electrical system, though I sure had the palpitations from hell the other day. Normally they just beat really hard for 3-4 beats at a time, but for the first time ever it did this for about a dozen beats. I was just beginning to wonder if it would ever stop when it actually did.

Things have dried up outside and it’s to be back around the 80-degree marker soon, but not fast enough for me.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2009 So Amber sent me a friend invite on KB. I accepted it, but after having more time to reflect on the issue, I’m not sure forgiving her was the right thing. Yeah, I may like her fiery, outspoken side to a degree, but she’s also pretty unstable at times. Very angry, confrontational, defensive, and downright mean. None of us may be perfect, but she seems to have a ratio of kindness versus meanness that I’m just not into. I’m surprised she’s so sensitive when it comes to animals, for she certainly doesn’t seem to have much compassion for people. So I will be polite, but not friendly.

Eileen sent me a direct email saying she’s moving to Quincy to be closer to her kids and grandkid. This is nice to know and that she didn’t lose her house with all the foreclosures going on out there.

She asked how I decided on “ratgirl” and I told her about how I got hooked on rats.

It’s still kind of funny how my million-year search led others to find her who were also looking for her.

I didn’t get the impression that she’d seen my journal, but that may be a good thing. Eileen doesn’t strike me as a judgmental kind of person, but if you don’t like those who are unique, eccentric, liberal and outspoken, then you won’t like me! And even if you do, I can see where some people may still be unnerved by the idea of someone they know keeping a public journal, even if it’s hardly uncommon these days, and they don’t have anything unkind to say about them.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2009 I wasn’t going to join Ning, the new “safe haven” for shafted and pissed-off Kiwiers, but then said what the hell? And so I joined.

Now I can finally say – after a long, long time of being what’s probably the least forgiving person on earth – that I have forgiven someone whom I’ve gotten into it with in the past online. She may stumble upon this journal and not appreciate her name mentioned here any more than it might have already been mentioned, so I won’t do it unless she says it’s ok to do so.

I think it’s cool that we’ve moved on and I think we both realize that sometimes we tend to get carried away at the mouth because we’re so much alike in that we’re both very outspoken. I also think a lot of people mistake our honesty and bluntness for being rude bitches, but that’s basically what it was about. We pissed each other off by saying things the other didn’t agree with, but I have realized that hey, we’re not in high school and so it’s better to “make up” and move on than to hold stupid grudges over the dumbest of things. She didn’t spite me into jail for verbally laying into her abusive ex as Tammy did. Now THAT’S unforgivable! But if she or a few others I’ve squabbled with on KB were suddenly outside our door, they’d be welcomed in for coffee, tea or whatever. We all make mistakes and say stupid shit we shouldn’t say in the heat of the moment, but looking back on it later on it all seems so silly. Most of all, I think we can be as compassionate as we can be mean, me and this chick, and in the end, humans weren’t created to be perfect in the first place anyway.

So if you’re reading this – yeah, you know who you are, LOL - yeah, you’re a bitch just like me, but you’re a likable bitch at the same time. :) I admire your good traits, so keep on doing what you do best!

I now have a 29” waist – yay! Not the 22”-24” that would be ideal for my height, but I’ll settle for peeling off just a few more inches. My weight is still hovering around the 122-pound marker, though. So now that I’m 36-29-36, I’m really starting to pump iron to get that sculpted, muscular look. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there. My tummy is about 90% flat now, too. :)

That justice of the peace in Louisiana is pretty fucked up for refusing a marriage license to an interracial couple, saying that most interracial marriages fail, and any kids they may have will just be picked on.

Most marriages fail anyway, like it or not, and kids pick on each other all the time if not for one thing, then for something else. Besides, people shouldn’t try to stop others from doing what they want simply cuz of what might happen. I hope they sue him silly cuz it’s their lives, and if they really are making a mistake, it’s theirs to make. People should be able to marry their dogs if that’s what they want.

Later…

Just got a little rain, but at least my ear’s not acting up. I never did get any side effects from yesterday’s Claritin (just my sleep being split up), not even the one I wanted which is where I lose my appetite. I still only had about 800 calories yesterday, though today it’s leaning more towards 1200.

Got a message from Dorian, my number-one fan. He always puts a smile on my face. Damn, that guy can write!

Eileen accepted the friend invite just as I was getting pretty sure she either never got it or decided to avoid me for some reason, saying she didn’t realize she had to accept it. I didn’t realize this at first either, I told her.

She sold her house and is packing, but didn’t say where she’s going. I hope she’s ok! I gave her my email addy in case she’d rather keep in touch that way since she doesn’t use Facebook regularly. She did say that due to my finding her more Naomi people are contacting her. Oops. I’m sorry if I may’ve opened up a can of pests! Nah, she probably doesn’t mind. I did notice we had a mutual friend, though. I don’t remember this person, though I’m not surprised she remembers me. I was quite a little monster, no doubt, even though I was only there for all of 5 minutes, LOL!

After saying hi to Emma and Amber on Ning, I swapped messages with Susan. I told her I was totally on her side about the launching of 3.0 and that I believed her when she said Mike got screwed over (he’s there too, and I said hello to him as well) and tried to fight to stop it from happening, but those assholes in Germany are hell-bent on taking over. Despite any disagreements, we sort of became like one big family over there and yeah, you really can make friends online that you’ve never met and never will. So I know how they feel.

Susan replied saying she quit all her jobs there when Mike left and that he was the main reason she stayed on as long as she did, thanked me for my support, and said it was nice to see me there. I doubt I’ll be there that often, though, since I won’t be journaling there, but I’ll drop in every now and then to say hello to people.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2009 Ah, it is so nice to get paid for my writing for once! Been doing qualification tests and they’ve decided I’m best at writing and so I should be given writing jobs. Gee, I wonder why, LOL! I just wish I could do more transcriptions, though I can’t do many because they’re just too hard to hear. Oh well, I’m still doing pretty good seeing that I’m coming up on $60 counting pending jobs.

I might not get much work done tonight and not just because it’s slower on weekends, but because I’ll be drunk on Claritin D. Yeah, that’s why I’m hurrying up and doing this entry now; before it sets in and makes me dizzy, drowsy, light-headed, jittery, and a true insomniac at heart. The side effects are a killer, but the stuff really does work. I also love how it kills my appetite, too. It’s no wonder they made it illegal to obtain in some states without a prescription. I can totally see how it’d be every druggy and anorexic’s dream come true. I took it a couple of days ago and barely ate 500 calories all day. The worst side effect is the bizarre dreams you have if you can get to sleep in the first place. I slept horribly on Thursday. It’s like I never fully fell asleep, but just remained sort of on the edge of sleep and wakefulness. The next day I let myself get caught up, but since my ear started acting up again today I decided to take another Claritin, even though I’ll be just as sorry as I will be glad that I did.

I’m enjoying this toasty warm night we’re having before it cools down and clouds up yet again so more bugs can invade the place.

That’s pretty much it. Been doing a wonderful job of neglecting my stories and am even slacking off on my German lessons, but I might get around to it tonight, depending on how much of a Claritin haze I’m in. The side effects do eventually go away, but it takes a while and I’d rather not have to be on the stuff that long in the first place.

Think I’ll go check out what new jobs may be in and then do a little proofreading.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2009 Wow, I made a buck fifty in just 3 minutes writing a 200-word article reviewing our local pet store. It’s nice to finally get paid for my writing! I’ll bet I made more doing that than I would have had I let them publish my manuscript for just pennies while the publishing company kept most of the dough.

Anyway, I’m over $40 now. Sometimes the work comes in steady streams, sometimes it seems like hours go by before anything new comes in that I’m qualified to do, which they’ve decided is mostly writing projects. Gee, I wonder why?

Now I’m thinking my ear might be affected by humidity as well. It’s hot again here, but still kind of humid for this area. It got on my nerves enough to take a nightmare pill for it. Yeah, that’s what I call the Claritin D. Benadryl doesn’t help much, so I took Claritin instead, even though it fucks with my sleep and causes nightmares. I laughed when I first read that side effect, unable to see how medication could do that to you, but I don’t mind being chased by ax-wielding zombies for a few minutes if that’s what it takes to relieve the pressure I get when the tube that runs between the inner ear and throat gets congested.

Anyway, it’s after 4am and I’ve got the fan on and the window open. Now that’s how California should always be! Ah, but sadly, it’s to cool down and cloud up again soon. It’s December through February that I’m really not looking forward to.

I’m burning Cool Water incense now which smells like lavender.

Less than two weeks ago I only knew a few German words and now I know dozens. The jail Germ, as I’d refer to her, would be impressed. That’d be the 60-year-old thief I was in jail with whom I both liked and hated. She drove me crazy cuz she’d always pace back and forth across the little two-man cell we were in, but she sure had a lot of interesting stories to tell about her life back in Germany before she married the American soldier she married. She was small like me, but that was Ad-Seg for you – home of the high-profile child abusers and the undersized.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2009 The German lessons are going really well, though some of those looooong words can be tough to pronounce. Currently, I am fluent in 3 languages, knowledgeable in 2, and now I’m learning German. I don’t know that I’ll add any more languages to my list after this. I think managing 6 languages is enough work!

Mary’s 32 today. I just hope she’s ok and that I hear from her when we go to pick up our mail on Friday. That’s when the rats’ new bottle will be there, so that’s why we’re going then. Then we won’t go again till next Thursday when the check should be there.

We got slammed with rain and so Jesse was bulldozing the drive from what it sounded like when I got up. I figured he would. That first rain of the year really messes things up. I just hope the dogs don’t go losing in November like they did last November.

My ear’s been acting up since it got cooler and rainy, so maybe it’s a temperature or humidity thing besides an elevation issue. It’s supposed to be warm and sunny again, though. As it is I haven’t needed any heat tonight. It’s coming up on 2am, yet it’s 77º in here.

The Turk’s kind of slow today, though I’m coming up on $40 and still have hundreds of jobs pending. I’ve submitted over 1100 now.

Tom’s looking forward to getting his Mac back in a few weeks so he can do more transcriptions and make money a lot faster. We figured out that all we need is $45 a day to make it on our own. I doubt the Turk would ever make us that much, but his program is still a possibility. We’re looking at launching that in a few months or so.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2009 Understandably, a lot of people on KB are pissed that their protests to stop the launching of 3.0 are going ignored. I agree that there are already enough goddamn Facebook knock-offs on the web. They’re setting up other sites to discuss the fall of KB since you can’t really express yourself on KB if it’s not what they want to hear any more than you could on OLS.

I myself haven’t left KB due to just the inevitable, unwanted change, but for other reasons beyond the loss of prizes and journals. I’m sick of the drama queens like Susan, Amber and Emma, though I can relate to their frustrations over what’s been going on. Still, I’m tired of seeing the same damn members get away with attacking those who dare to speak their minds and be unique simply because they’re best buds with the hot shots there. But life wasn’t meant to be fair and I can’t fix KB. Only the new owners can do that and they obviously don’t want to leave what works best the hell alone and put an end to the favoritism that goes on there.

Here I don’t have to be afraid to “be myself” in my own journal. Here I can say what I want and not have to deal with any little sensitives who can’t handle and therefore shouldn’t be reading what I might have to say. Journals are supposed to be a means of fully expressing ourselves without having to hold back in any way. Anyplace that says you can’t bash apples or cows in your own journal isn’t really providing you with a “journal” in the first place. Furthermore, if you don’t like what someone may have to say in their journal, there’s a simple solution to that. There really is.

Don’t read it!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2009 Lots of Turk work came in today and that helped make up for the slow weekend. It was down to like 10,000 jobs on Sunday, but today there was something like 33,000.

I’m halfway through German 101, still with a 95% accuracy rate, and about to take another lesson.

Supposedly we have a real kick-ass storm on the way. At about 4am we should get slammed. In less than a day, we’re to get as much rain as we’d get in Arizona in a year. Lots of wind, too.

Can’t think of anything else. Just working and doing the usual.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2009 I’m now 44% through German 101 and still with a score of 95%. I’m going to be taking another lesson in a few minutes since it’s another slow workday. I still got enough to order that bottle for the rats awfully fast! That should be here within a week. After I get the things on my list I’m going to start saving most of my earnings.

I definitely need new glasses next. Tom thinks I need bifocals. I miss my old eyes! I really didn’t think I’d need glasses of any kind till I was in my 50s, yet my eyes are getting worse and worse by the minute, and these drugstore glasses are too heavy.

I also need new bras. Dumping 30 pounds makes your clothes too small! Then we’d still like the memory foam topper for the bed, a new body pillow, and one of those Nu-Wave ovens. I also have to drop Napster for Slacker and renew my Webshots membership.

So after we get all this shit which should cost around $300, I’ll start saving. Tom will have the $500 he’ll need to get his Mac back next month.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2009 I’m now 38% through German 101 with a score of 95%. It’s going a hell of a lot better than the French was! I’m retaining quite a bit and fast too, though I think it’s going to take me 5 years before I can say the word “nurse.” Krankenschwester, WTF???

I guess I’ll journal here till they either launch 3.0 or I get sick of it.

Not much Turk work in today cuz it’s the weekend, but I’m over $30 now.

We went to put money on the card to cover the phone/net bill today, and since we’re not doing so bad I even got some incense at the Goodwill. Vanilla, Strawberry, Wild Cherries, Opium, Cool Water, Jasmine, Rain Forest and China Rain.

It was a hot one out there today. At least in the direct sunlight, it was anyway.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2009 Decided to drop French for German since I heard it’s supposed to be the easiest language for a native English speaker to learn because it’s structured a lot like English. Sure enough, it really is pretty easy! Some words are a bit tough to pronounce, but you can get used to them. I’m already 25% through German 101 with a score of 93%. I know I have a knack for languages anyway, but that’s still not bad for my first non-romance language!

Although they have gender words like romance languages, they’re not “backward.” You know how we say, “I am not young,” while in Spanish it equates to “I no is young?” Well, they put the “I am” or “you are” before the “not” as well. It seems they capitalize the first letters of all nouns, though.

Anyway, French was just kind of ugly for me. German’s ugly too, but it’s different, and I partially disagree with those who say French is the hardest romance language. I think it’s the hardest to speak and to hear, but I think Italian has the toughest grammar.

Well, I’ve turned into a regular little workaholic working 7 days a week and you could definitely say I’m quite dedicated. Tom thinks I work too hard, though I always make sure I still have a life and that I don’t neglect other things that need to be done. The only thing I’ve been neglecting is my writing/proofreading, but that’s not a necessity, so it’s ok. Not a whole lotta jobs coming in today, so I’m doing some proofreading and I might work on my stories, too.

I also decided not to bother with AdSense until and if we have a website of our own. If we do, then I’ll throw it on whatever sites I use that’ll let me, like Blogger. It’s definitely not worth paying LJ $20 for, especially since I don’t need the features that come with upgrading. So which journal will I use? I guess I’ll stick with LJ’s free journal for now. Maybe sometimes I’ll copy stuff to other places, but LJ will be the main journal for now.

The check came today and we even have a pretty decent cushion for the first time in quite a while. Tom could even get his Mac back now, but we decided to wait till next month. It’ll only cost $10 extra. Yes, after a long stressful year of getting nowhere, things definitely do seem to be improving. I hope it stays that way, too!

But Mary’s life got worse. I hope I hear from her soon, but I can understand that she’s going to be depressed for a while.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had intermittent cramps and ache-like pains mostly on the left side of my chest. For the most part, I’m not sure what the hell it could be, but something happened the other day that now has me wondering if maybe there really is something wrong with my heart, as hard as it is to believe. I know it’s not impossible and that it does run in my family, but I’m still fairly young and super fit. And while I may not be thin, I’m not fat either. Especially for my age. What happened was I had some cramps that sort of pulsated on and off. Then they stopped for a while. But then later on I was startled by what I thought was a huge spider and the instant my heart started racing, the cramps returned.

Nothing from Eileen since we first spoke. I don’t know her or exactly what’s going on in her life, but I realize she might’ve been spooked by my journals if she read them. I even considered taking the links off Facebook, but then decided not to. I’m not going to change my life for anyone, and anyone who may be spooked by them or anything else about me shouldn’t be a friend of mine, not that the idea is to be her friend or stay in touch anyway. Don’t get me wrong; she’s still welcome to contact me and I might say hello from time to time myself, but the main point was to a) find out who she was. And b) thank her for caring. Even so, I’m kind of shocked she wasn’t as delighted and as flattered as I’d think she’d be at all the time and effort I put into finding her.

As for Gregg, I asked him if he’s checked out my journals, saying I was curious as to who on Facebook may take the time to check them out. I never got an answer, which makes me think the answer is probably, “Yes, and I don’t want to be put on the spot with any questions about what I think of them.”

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2009 Nothing from Eileen since we first messaged each other, and she still hasn’t accepted my friend request. Hmmm… could she be spooked by my journal? Something else? Something that has nothing to do with me? Either way, it’s like, gee, thanks. I put all these years and all this work into finding you and you’re like, yeah, so? So what?

Not that I regret finding her and settling my curiosity as to who she is and what her life has been like, but it looks like my sensors were right on as usual when I said I sensed a lack of mutual excitement over reuniting. Oh well. I’ll send one more message saying hello towards the end of the month and then that’s it. I don’t want to bother with her if she doesn’t want to bother with me.

Got a friend request on Facebook from a mutual “friend” of ours. We have two mutual friends, actually, and that’d be those two people whose emails and IPs trace to Mountain View, CA. Sure enough, while this one’s profile looks legit, its email also traces to Mountain View. It’ll be interesting to see just what they’re up to.

It just seems really strange that I get friended by strangers while Eileen hasn’t accepted my friend invite.

Later…

No unemployment check today, but we’re not worried since Margaret, at the UPS Store, said that others hadn’t gotten their checks either. We mail the forms right over to Sacramento, but the checks themselves come up from San Bernardino. Besides, I haven’t had any bad dreams.

No letters or samples today, but I got that pendant I won. It’s just so-so. Kind of hard to see any detail because it’s so small, and lacking in color.

Best of all, I got my first check from InboxDollars and Tom found a more convenient check-cashing place, so we still got plenty of stuff to hold us over till tomorrow, not that we were completely out of food.

Today’s the opposite of yesterday on MT; not many jobs coming in. But if it can be this good during the worst economic times that I’ve ever seen, I can just imagine how much better it’ll be when the economy is better and there are more jobs and fewer people around to steal them from me! It’s so cool to see my money grow throughout the day and or night, depending on when I’m awake and available to work. I do as much as I can whenever I can. I love working from home! No need to worry about transportation, gas, etc.

For now, Tom, who’s still hopeful for an outside job, decided to use what he earns towards paying the phone/net bill while I get various things we could use around here and maybe even a few goodies mixed in. I want to get the rats a new water bottle first. This old roller bottle sucks and it’s too small. Super-sized rats like these go through 8-oz. bottles in no time. I’m going to get a top-loading swivel spout bottle like the one we had for years before it broke.

Not much else to say. The days are toasty warm, the early mornings chillier than I’d like. I wish it could always be June!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2009 Been going nonstop since I got up about 8 hours ago that I didn’t think I was going to get to make an entry today. Yeah, they really threw the work at me today on MT! Part of the contract in working for them means you can’t discuss the jobs, so I won’t discuss the actual jobs themselves. I don’t know why they have this rule since anyone can sign up to be a worker there. You just have to be over 18 and not have any felonies on your record. Once that’s established, you’re in!

I’ve got $20 made so far and about $25 in pending jobs. Yesterday there weren’t many jobs, but today there were tons of them. I was worried I wasn’t going to get enough work, but I’m still pretty sure I’ll make $200 - $300 a month there. I currently have 577 jobs submitted, 442 approved, 17 rejected and 118 pending.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2009 Lost a total of 30 pounds since my highest high that I know of which was 151 pounds, and am back to 121 pounds.

I exchanged a few messages with Eileen last night. She was perfectly polite and friendly, but I didn’t sense the same eagerness about hearing from me as I felt over finding her. IDK, I just would’ve thought she’d be more excited. Who knows, maybe she was. You can’t hear tones or see facial expressions online, so who knows? This is just something I sensed.

Anyway, she simply told me that she did remember me and thanked me for considering her to have been a kind person. She’s 58 now with 3 grown kids and 1 grandchild. She asked what was up with me and I gave her the highlights within a few paragraphs.

She hasn’t accepted my friend request yet, but that’s up to her. If I never heard from her again I’d be ok with at least knowing that I accomplished my main goal which was to find and thank her. Anything more is just a bonus.

I did get a friend request from a fellow camp group member, and a message from Gregg saying it was his pleasure to have been able to help me after I thanked him for his help. He says he loves that kind of detective work. I was glad to hear that as I was worried I was burdening him.

Wow, California has definitely been the “state of reunion” for me, even if there were a few unwanted attempts to reunite with me along the way.

I spoke to my folks yesterday and I’m both glad and not so glad I bothered to call, as I knew they’d bring up the shit with Tammy and her brood. I was about to just call it quits and hang up when my dad insisted, all the while my mom’s attitude was like fine-go-ahead, that they weren’t blaming me only. Well, that’s nice that they recognize that I’m not the only one who did things she shouldn’t have, but they almost made me feel like a kid being scolded all over again. I understand where they’re coming from, but still, I don’t need this shit in my life. It’s easy to tell myself, “Just walk away. Just wash your hands clean of all of them just like you did 10 years ago. You got along fine without them and you know you don’t want/need any negative people in your life or people you simply don’t care for.”

But it’s not that easy what with how much I appreciate their saving us like they did, and all the nice stuff they sent. Stuff is just stuff, I know, and it’s not a ticket for them to aggravate me, but because it was a minor thing where they just wanted to ensure that I won’t contact Tammy, I will keep in touch for now. Besides, it’s not like these people have many years left to live in the first place, and as I assured them, ignoring Tammy and company is my pleasure. Even if they sent a million messages a day I could just ignore them. If they lived a few feet away from us, they could make me pay attention to them, but they don’t. Those people can never hurt or control me ever again. None of them can. I will never see them again and the only ones I’ll talk to are my folks, and without others in the mix to start the he-said, she-said bullshit and come between us, we should be able to get along. This won’t stop Tammy from telling them things in my journal that I might not necessarily tell them myself which they may not agree with (like looking up personal info on people, posting the message about Valleyhead, finding Eileen), but as long as they don’t get pushy, controlling or demanding in any way, I’m ok with keeping in touch with them. And I’d say Tammy definitely mentioned Valleyhead and camp to them because of the way Dad worded things when he said, “That’s what you do. You look up people and places.” Well, I’ve never mentioned places to them in past letters, just info on various people like when Al M died and shit like that.

Meanwhile, things just aren’t the same and I doubt they ever will be again. My folks almost sounded cold, especially my mother. Like talking to me was a chore that they simply felt obligated to do because they’re my parents. I’m not saying they don’t care about what’s going on with us and that they don’t wish us the best, but well, it’s like we’re strangers in a way. Then again, I think we always have been, haven’t we?

Anyway, my folks are ok. They said they’ve never seen a recession this bad in their lives and that they can’t even save. And what they do save has to go to doctors. I’m sure their definition of saving is different than mine, though. We’re so broke that a savings of $20 is a luxury to us.

We have 6 old CRT monitors and Tom brought two of them to the recycling center today, planning to eventually take two more in, then keep a couple as a backup. Well, it’s a good thing he didn’t bring them all in today as the one he was using burned out, so he’s using one of the backups till he can get his Mac back.

I learned an easier way to peel bananas. You usually peel them from the stem, but if you turn the banana around and pinch the very ends of it, it peels much easier. It’s how monkeys do it.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2009 I have some pretty exciting news! I not only got the name I’ve been looking for but made contact, too! Yay! Her name is Eileen.

I got up this morning and found a message from Gregg, saying that one of their alums gave him the names of the unit heads from 1976 and that they vaguely remember Eileen having a dog.

Someone else said she married a counselor there.

So now I had a name. A much more likely name than ever before.

But then I ran her name and got more hits than I knew what to do with. Especially without an exact age and knowing what state she currently resides in.

Then someone named Becky was kind enough to leave a message on the reunion site saying she vaguely remembers a Jodi being in her cabin, but she couldn’t picture her and didn’t remember anyone getting kicked out. Also, there was a unit head around that time who had a dog named Sidney, who fit the description I gave of the unit head.

For some reason, the dog’s name seemed more familiar as opposed to the name Eileen. So I sent Becky a PM, thanked her for her input, described myself, and gave her my photo albums link in case seeing me would help her remember anything more since I have had pictures throughout all my life there. Then, to see if Becky remembered anything else I told her the only other real memory I have of being in the cabin and that would – uh – that would be stealing some other girl’s barrette! I told her that my bunk was on the front wall of the cabin, maybe 3-4 bunks from the sidewall heading away from the door. In the next bunk to the right, closer to the wall, was a girl whose long hair I was jealous of because my mom wouldn’t let me grow mine much longer than the middle of my back. I don’t remember anyone’s names, but anyway, she had a large brown hair barrette and a colored one as well. Being the little devil that I was at the time, I stole one of them. Yeah, I wasn’t a very nice kid, LOL, though as I told Becky, I’d be happy to replace it now!

Becky told me the name of that girl and that seemed familiar, too. Then she sent me an email saying she’d Googled Eileen’s name and provided me with a link that had a photo which she was pretty sure was Eileen. It was a picture at an education site showing her, her daughter, granddaughter and mother. Without seeing a better picture taken from around the time I last saw her, I wouldn’t be able to look at it and go, “Oh, yeah, that’s definitely her!”

We seem to have a couple of things in common from what the article said, like writing and languages. I guess she spent some time in Denmark and learned the language. She seems to be mostly into business-related stuff, though, and has kids. When I looked her up on MySpace she came up as single, though the article spoke of her as married and it’s only a year old, so I don’t know if she’s still married or not. She seems to have done quite well for herself over the years and has led a very busy and productive life.

Had someone told me in Phoenix when my first attempt to locate her came to a dead-end that some guy in Georgia would help me find her 14 years later while I lived in California of all places, I’d have laughed my ass off!

This entry is getting way too long and so I’ll finish the story tomorrow. I’ll just sign off by saying that Brandy and the puppy came down today and this time it wasn’t quietly. The puppy barked just outside the porch. Tom said he thinks something happened to scare it, but I think it was playing. It not only distracted me from my work, but it really startled me. So I called up to let Jesse know his dogs were loose. Damn, I wish that guy would keep his dogs to himself! This is the whole reason we came out here; to try and finally escape this shit.

Up to $11.59 now on MT, but I’m afraid there are not going to be as many jobs as I hoped there would be. I’m also still owed about $20 in pending payments.

Oh, I keep forgetting to mention this and then I’ll sign off – I apparently scared off whoever the hell that really was that contacted me on FB claiming to be from outside of Thailand. I don’t know what their motives were, but when I confronted them with the fact that I ran their email and found them to be just 134 miles from here in a place called Mountain View, I never heard from them again.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2009 Wow, no barking yet, though I’ve only been up an hour. I’m impressed. It’s their kind of barking weather, though certainly not mine. At this moment it’s 46º. And people think California’s always warm and sunny – haha! Every night from here on out till March I’ll be dreaming of Florida.

Today’s my 12th quit-smoking anniversary! I can just imagine the money I’ve saved over the years. I don’t think I’d be alive today if I hadn’t quit, but in the end, I didn’t have much choice. Sometimes things have to get to the do-or-die stage before change occurs.

My weight works as mysteriously as God. Yesterday I took the day off from both diet and exercise, slammed on a good 2000 calories or so of whatever, and woke up this morning to find I’d lost a pound. I can also imagine all the weight I’d lose – and how quickly – if I could only discipline myself with the diet part as well as I can with the exercise part. If not, I’ll forever bounce between 122-124 pounds.

Work has slowed down over the weekend as few requesters are around to pay the workers for their tasks. The good news, though, is that I think I can make closer to $10 a day if I do 60-70 jobs a day. It’s hard to tell exactly what I’ve made each day until all pending jobs are paid for, and of course I expect a few here and there to stiff me. After a week of not receiving payment, I’ll jot the names down of those people/companies and make sure I never do any other jobs for them again.

I won a fairy pendant from that doll company. I asked them what it was I won. I didn’t want them sending me crap I’d feel almost insulted to “win” and embarrassed for whoever made it like in Oregon. I saw a picture of it and it’s not too bad at all.

What should I do now? I think I’ll try to get my sister sent to jail for defending me when I lived back in S. Deerfield in 1991 and the Northampton Crisis Center insisted I killed my dad in 1984 (yeah, they had my files mixed up with someone else’s, alright!). But who the hell was she to get involved? After all, I was only her little sister. Shame on her for trying to stick up for me. She should’ve never given a damn, right? Right?

I’m 19% through French 101 with a score of 95%. So far it’s both harder and easier than expected. The grammar’s not too bad, but it’s going to take a long time to get used to hearing/speaking it. It’s kinda ugly. Usually, it’s the other way around and the grammar is the hardest part for me. It sounds so different than Spanish and Italian and even Portuguese, too. But when you’ve been hearing Spanish every day for two decades as opposed to French, it’s no wonder French sounds weird.

J’ai froid (I am cold)!

Since there’s less work today, I guess that means more entries from me on weekends.

The dogs are still quiet and I can’t help but wonder, would they be this quiet if Jesse wasn’t home? I’m afraid I would not like the answer to that question!

I suppose it’s a waste of time to try to figure people out, but I just don’t get them when it comes to defending them. They crucify you if you do stick up for them, and they crucify you if you don’t. They’re never happy no matter what!

Later…

The cold is making my ear act up. Anyway, it’s just after 8am which means Jesse will be taking off anytime between now and noon. It’ll be interesting to see how the dogs are then, though it should be warming up fast as it usually does in dry climates. Then again, it’s only supposed to get up to 65º. It will be back in the upper 70s next week.

The more I work at MT, the more I can see the possibility of making closer to $10 a day. I wish he’d hurry the hell up and get up already, so he can set me up to do transcriptions that pay more. We read the tutorials and style guides yesterday. I may be bad at a lot of things, but if there’s one thing I’m good at it’s typing.

So they say the new and historical insurance plan is to cover dental and vision, but I’ll believe it when and if I see it. I’m just glad they’re keeping the illegals out of it. That would’ve really driven the population up worse than China! Besides, I hate to give things unless it’s something I don’t want anyway. That’s another human trait I don’t get besides forgiveness. Why would people want to be giving any more than forgiving? Giving is how you get taken advantage of. Forgiving is how you get screwed over again. So no, I’ll never hold a grudge against Lisa for immaturely attacking me like that without politely and calmly asking me about what I did or didn’t say to my dad in an adult manner, but I’ll never forgive her. Why? So she can attack me again without giving me a chance to explain or defend myself? Sorry, but at nearly 44 years of age, I’m not obligated to explain or defend myself to anyone.

The sick neighbors we had didn’t allow me the luxury of ignoring them for 7 years, and this has only made me more determined to cut those of negative influence out of my life. I may not be able to destroy their memories. I may write about them from time to time. But they will never ever again get the chance to victimize, abuse, use or just plain annoy the hell out of me ever again. Not if I can help it! I’m sure my sister would deem that as “threatening” if she reads this too, hahaha!

Still haven’t decided on AdSense yet or if I’m going to continue journaling. I kind of like journaling where I can have some say in who comments about it. If KB really does have those controls included with 3.0 once they launch it, I might return there. It’s easier to choose the colors from their drop-down menu, but here I have to import them.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2009 Yesterday morning there was some barking. Nothing maddening, but I can see how it’s going to get there the cooler the weather gets. Tom doesn’t think they’ll be a problem this winter because Brandy and Whiskey are older and the puppy will learn from them and follow their behavior. Yeah, that’s my optimistic hubby for ya! Brandy (I think it was her) just went off for a few seconds yet it’s the weekend and Jesse should be home. I hope she woke him up!

There she goes again. Great. Just great. So much for hoping it wouldn’t start up till next month! I’ll put the sound machine on so I can concentrate on my work. I’ll be working more today than yesterday because I need to give myself a day off from working out. My legs are like logs!

I almost met my $5-a-day goal yesterday. I made $4.48 that I know of. Meaning that there are several other jobs I did yesterday that are still pending. It usually takes a few days to receive payment. Once everything’s all paid, I should total around $20, plus whatever I make today. Our goal is to make at least $300 a month in extra money between the two of us.

They reactivated my Facebook account yesterday.

I’m going to give my folks a call, probably at the beginning of next week right after 5pm my time when I know they’re likely to be home, but not yet asleep.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2009 Yay, just 999 days to go till he turns 55 and we can hopefully – hopefully – get the ball rolling towards getting a house in a senior community!

Meanwhile, I’ve been working and winning. Yep, I did say winning. From 2005 to early 2008 I won nearly 20K worth of stuff. Then it all stopped right along with the economy. I’m still not sweeping regularly, but I got a win notice from a doll company saying I was their monthly winner. Apparently, if you’ve subscribed to their newsletter, you’re automatically entered into their monthly contests. I once won from them up in Oregon, but you don’t always get dolls. If I remember correctly, I got some stupid handmade craft that looked like a two-year-old made. Watch, now that I’ve quit collecting dolls, it will be a doll!

We decided to set me up with an account on MT, so now we’re both workers there. I did 27 jobs in just a couple of hours and made a few bucks. I can see where we could easily make 3-5 hundred a month doing this! Eventually, I’ll do some transcriptions. That’s where the real money is.

It’s so nice to be working and making money, even if it’s not a lot! After the hell we’ve been through, getting “rich” and having “tons” of extra money no longer is a top priority for us. Of course we’d take millions of dollars if we could. We’re only human. Yet while extra money may be nice, as long as we can pay for our necessities, that’s plenty good enough for us.

I’ve been wanting a home job that’d pay a significant amount and not just a few bucks here and a few bucks there for so long now. Working at home I don’t have to worry about schedules, transportation, uniforms, or any evil coworkers/bosses.

I decided to spend the first few hours of my day doing everything else I usually do, then the rest of the day will be devoted to working. Of course I’ll take breaks to eat, exercise, run errands, etc.

Still haven’t decided if I want to do AdSense yet. Off to work now!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2009 I realized that what my sister did really put a complex on me and could stop me from helping those who truly want to be helped in the future. About a decade ago I was harshly reminded that you not only can’t help those who don’t want help, but they can turn on you, too. Not just refuse your help, but literally spite you for trying to help. Because of this, I had to ask myself this: If I saw a guy abusing some woman somewhere, would I have the guts to try to help her? Or would I be paranoid that she would tell the cops when they arrived that I was the one trying to attack her or something like that?

I hope I won’t ever have to find out!

She once said I deserved it when I told her Ron once slapped me. This was back in the mid-80s. Can you believe it? “You deserve it,” she told me.

Yet I, along with any other sane, rational human being, know that no one deserves to be slapped. No one. If they’re not trying to harm you, your loved ones, or your property, no one deserves to be handled that way. Violence is not love. Although I threw the bastard out before I could take a hammer to his head in his sleep, her telling me that probably hurt me more than his slap. I was only around 21 at the time.

We’re looking for a site like MT that I could work at. I should be started with something somewhere within a day or two. Tom thinks I’d be best at jobs that involve writing, LOL, obviously. Oh, and I went back and re-read that chick’s message. She hasn’t been on the MT for 2 years but for 2 months.

I still can’t believe the judge fucked over Mary by reneging on the deal. Then again, I can. When you are the law, you can make it or break it at will. I don’t get how they expect people to testify if they keep backing out of the deals they make, though. Oh well, hopefully the asshole will get hit by a bus or something.

[blandmemoirs]

A Moment of Reflection (2023)

January 1st, 2023

It is the new year 2023. In this year I will do something I have avoided doing for much of my life: I will be disciplined. I will develop healthy, productive habits. I will pursue the life I want, not just the one that is most convenient. In this year, I want to make more YouTube content, including expanding my current library to include non-stopmotion content. I want to make Downturn. I want to go to Cosplay Prom as Yoshikage Kira and Kosaku Kawajiri. I want to work out my body and shave my head so that I can become Kratos for Halloween. I want to create a healthy spending budget that gives me the ability to create and maintain savings, so that I do not continue to live paycheck to paycheck. I want to continue to learn Spanish. I want to meet new people. I want this year to be the year that I well and truly thrive, not simply grow and survive, but to actually move forward and find the betterness I have worked so hard to achieve.

Last night, in a last ditch effort to separate myself from the years of old, I begged two close friends to make me cry. Now, I was not particularly sad or particularly in emotional turmoil. I merely felt that after years of denying myself the ability to cry when I felt low, that perhaps if I started the new year by crying I may be able to free myself of all the burdensome pent up feelings. For when I am in pain, or when I am low, I have learned to put a wall up to protect myself, to avoid allowing any feelings to wash over me, rather, I choose to deconstruct. I take apart the problem, I look at the angles I can attack it from, how I can resolve it or put myself away from it. I have been told this is simply how I cope, as I had to grow up rather fast when I was a child. It was this tumultuous childhood as an eldest sibling in a dysfunctional home that taught me to be a rock for my siblings. I could not be vulnerable, because they were. I could not cry, because at any moment I may have needed to act. I could not feel anything, because to allow myself to feel could paralyze me. And if I was paralyzed, if I was vulnerable, if I could cry, it would only be worse for the people I needed to protect. In this, I learned to protect myself first by separating myself from these problems I was facing. Logic and thinking things through were my trusted ally when I had none other to back me up.

When I was very young, I became fully self-aware of this feeling or lack thereof as one day my Grandpa's very sweet very loving would-never-eat-a-toddler pitbull randomly crossed over or under his wire fence and into the dog pen of his next door neighbor. The pitbull proceeded to visciously maul one of the small dogs in that pen, grabbing in its jaw the others hind leg and swinging it around as though it were a chew toy. Once we became aware of the wailing and sounds of violence occurring in the neighbors backyard, we separated the dogs, though that would do little as the damage had been done. The pitbull had another dogs blood in its mouth, and the small dog had a mangled leg. The next part was obvious, take the neighbor's broken pet to the vet and assess damages. It was here that I was put to use, wrapped in a white towel and placed in my lap as we drove to the vet, the dog bled through its coverings and onto my Batman shirt. Noticing the clearly trauma-inducing nature of the event, I chose not to feel anything. I felt no sadness for the dog, I felt no anger at the pitbull, I felt no stress despite my mother's clear stress, I felt no pity for my grandpa who would have to explain the whole thing to his neighbors who already don't like him and also most assuredly have to put his own dog down. I knew all these things were here and would come to pass, so I chose instead to gently pet the little dog in my lap, wounded and confused. I remember the tight bind it was in while wrapped in the towel, I remember its heart racing, I remember the blood. I just did what I could to help.

This story is never far from my mind because I was engaging in empathy, but inside I hadn't allowed myself to feel anything. I was behind my wall, piloting my body as if it were a rocket ship(shoutout to *starship Hulk*). Everything was mechanical, and I knew that. This dog is hurting, I should pet it. It is bleeding on me, I shouldn't think about that. There are many people I know who would have broken down or cried their eyes dry as they stroked the damn dying thing that was put down because its owners didnt want a three legged dog. But I didn't cry, and I knew I wasn't going to, even though I felt I should. Well, it was just a dog and I've never had a deep emotional connection with a dog, they are just kind of annoying more than anything. I think it's because they are usually, mostly, almost all the time, stupid, stupid creatures. Because people get dogs and baby them and don't discipline them or train them or teach them to behave in any way so the damn things have all the entitlement of a cat without any of the autonomy. Like, a cat just sleeps all day because its entire lifestyle is luxury and leisure. Dogs are supposed to be imbued with purpose. Man's best friend is only true when man owns a home and an acre of land he can walk the damn thing with and that it can hunt and provide for and protect the family with. Big dogs in small apartments are so stupid because they have no purpose other than waiting for master to get home because they can't do anything else besides play with their toys or destroy the couch because they are so bored and useless. And that's not even talking about the dogs that humans bred and raised to be just absolutely fucked up, like chihuahas or pugs or whatever your favorite retarded dog breed is that can't breathe because we booped the snoot so many times that it inbred into having a skull that can't keep the eyes in place. Fucking dogs. I digress. This was never about dogs. Don't talk to me about dogs.

I keep, maintain, and place high value on the enriching relationships I have with the people in my life. My parents have no friends so they have no one to enjoy good times with except each other and they cant stand each other they are just codependent because they never learned how to actually be alone. So I saw that and thought "goddamn I should probably have friends so that I don't turn out like that and my best friend is the mother of my children who sleeps with other men and treats me like an accessory and mostly just keeps me around for my wallet, which only really has IOU's to give anyways". Moving on. Many of these loved ones in my life absolutely don't give a shit about themselves and will refuse to take care of themselves be it their money, health, or purpose in life so they give in to suicidal ideation or wallowing in their own filth and misery because it's all they can think of to cope with the lives they lead into ruin. And I give a shit about these people. I want to be involved in their lives and enrich them and help them find fulfillment and happiness. Because that's all I've ever wanted for me. When I was alone in my room at 4 am on a school night listening to my parents have a screaming match, I was desperate for someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay and that things would get better. Instead I had to harden so that I could do that for myself. Because no one is going to save me, anymore than I'm going to save anyone. You gotta save and serve yourself. I do my best to give to others what I would wish to receive from them. A shoulder to lean on, a safe place to stay, thoughtful advice on how to navigate an issue, all things I needed at some point or other. Do not ever kill yourself. It is nothing but a giant waste of yourself and a knife in the heart of anyone who has ever loved you. You are worth more than that.

I moved away from the point I wanted to make. I received disturbing information that a loved one was once again choosing not to eat or bathe or do the bare minimum of self care and was instead lying on a floor texting me this information. That is alarming considering this person has a history of this kind of self-harm and has in the last six months made an attempt. When receiving this alarming news, as with any troubling information I learn, I recognize that it hurts me, that it makes me upset and that I feel for this person and their struggle, but soon after that realization, I swallow that feeling whole and I smother it inside of myself. I instead going into a mode in which I must solve these problems to the best of my ability. "are you okay?' "can I help you?" "I'm coming over" "what can I do to help?" it all runs through my mind and I create a plan of action and execute it. But I do not allow myself to feel. I do not cry, I do not weep, I do not moan and curl into a fetal position and rock myself back and forth. I go beyond numb, I go cold and I go hard. I move and take every step I can to ensure that the problem is met and it is solved.

I worry this kind of coping mechanism takes a toll on the soul, the mind, the heart, wherever it is we keep that which makes us human. It feels to me as though a human ought to cry when faced with adversity. It is how many of my friends cope, it is how the people on TV handle bad news, it is a human thing. And yet I do not cry. The last time I wept was when I had completely and totally lost control of a situation and it felt as though I had ruined a friendship forever after making a difficultly impossible decision that pitted me against said friend. In all truth, my world, my life, damn near has to almost fall apart, the challenge has to appear insurmountable, then and only then may I finally involuntarily cry my heart out. And much like a dam breaking, every pent up emotion that was ever placed in hiding comes rushing out. There is catharsis to tears leaving your eyes, snot filling up your nose, and the gut feeling that you are ridding yourself of that sadness and grief that poisons you. Once you finally wipe away the last of the salty tears, blow the snot rocket and wash your face, you feel refreshed, new, ready to heal. It is catharsis I have denied myself many times because I refuse to allow myself to be so vulnerable, to let people see that I am fallible, that there are cracks in the rock they have come to know. 

So in the breaking dawn of a new year, the excitement and anticipation of what I have in store for myself left me yearning for a reset button. Something that could push out all of the pain and disappointment and frustration and sadness that I well away from myself, and my friends loving me as they do refused to do or say anything which may make me shed a tear. Anticipating this, I still begged, I explained my case, my ridiculous proposal, but I was denied. I understand why, and I acknowledge that it was never a good plan, but we have established that simply watching a sad movie or thinking sad thoughts is not enough to drive me to tears. I need to lose control and abandon composure. It is hard to do on command, and the only times I did it were times of absolute desperation when I needed to force myself to accept a reality I was in denial of. Again, it must be Earth shattering for the tears to flow, and I dont often break the Earth beneath me. Yet, if that is well and truly the stakes it must take, a friend will not do that for me on my command. A sign of a good friend, certainly. I was reassured of my empathy and my masculinity was affirmed as it is "us men who deny ourselves tears in favor of taking action", and the fact that I took action to solve my issues rather than ignore them proved I was empathetic and healthy because the unhealthy or unempathetic thing to do is to neglect your issues. All understood well and clear. I dodged the sociopath allegations, but I was never particularly worried for them, as they stood little ground when faced with the size of my heart and the pure unending love I have to give. I just wanted to cry so I could let it all go and enter the new year refreshed and renewed. Unfortunately, now is not the time for tears. That comes later.

All this to say that I know one inevitability is approaching that will certainly make me cry: The loss of my hair, whose fate was decided the day I was conceived with genes that ensured I was to begin balding at 18 years old. I am 23 now, my hairline isn't just receding, my hair is thinning, it falls out, it doesn't grow back. I can choose to pay a subscription fee for some pills for the rest of my life to alter my hormonal pathways and body chemistry to vainly attempt to overcome biology and brute force my hair into existence. There are many who swear by this. It personally disgusts me. I am repulsed at the thought that I need to pay a subscription fee in order to grow hair on my head it just grosses me out. It makes me feel the same utter revulsion I feel towards digital media. Not owning anything and being at the whim of a faceless entity: I pay money for access to what they own and hold over me. No. I'm not doing it. The other option is to cut it all off. This makes me feel contempt. I love my hair. I don't want to be bald. The solution shouldn't be to throw it all away and fundamentally alter your appearance. That is ridiculous. But "balding" is seen as some kind of repulsive look, an abnormality, something to be corrected. I conclude this is the result of insecurity and projection. "*I* don't want to look like that, so *HE* shouldn't look like that". I admit a faint disappointment when I look in the mirror and notice I have less hair than the day before, but I am not disgusted or upset or in denial of my case. In fact, I find some grace in it, it is a sign of maturity, of the weathering of time, of how nothing is permanent or fixed. Everything changes because it must change, that is the effect of time on all things. Yet, that does not mean just because my head is full that it can not grow! It is a ridiculous conclusion that I cannot retain what is still there. An all or nothing ultimatum being forced upon me by my closest friends and loved ones. I find that to be ridiculous. "You need to do this you need to do that" "you need to change x so you can look like y" "I wouldn't want to look like that". It's all maddening, utter and total madness from people who want to project their own preferences and personalities onto me. I genuinely loathe it, and it makes me angry to even think about. And yet, we are social creatures bound by the connections we create with one another, and my entire network has pressed itself upon me because it simply can't stand a deviation from what it believes is "normal", and peer pressure has mounted itself over the years so pressingly that I feel I cannot breathe at times because I am judged for choosing a moderate middle option and not accepting a false ultimatum to "look good". Fuck you all by the way.

In the end, this is all whining from a stubborn manchild who refuses to part with something as trivial as his hairstyle which is long past parted from him anyways. I just know I'm going to bawl when its all gone. Because I always cry when I get my hair cut. My first hair cut I cried, my last hair cut I held tears in my eyes as a very dear friend gently tried to make it easy for me. I don't know why I cry when my hair is cut. I just do. It's always been like that. I think its also why I push it off so often. I'm guaranteed to shed at least a single tear as soon as I look in the mirror and see it has been taken from me. It's probably got something to do with how I always wanted to grow my hair out long but I always had my head buzzed because that's what my dad did for his hair. There was a brief period of time where I believed I wanted to look like my dad too, but choosing the same style as him faded rather quickly when I realized I could just not get it cut and then not have to cry over it. Growing my hair long was often penalized with my dad taking a big fistful of my hair and dragging me around. It was a joke to him. "Time to get a hair cut son" as he wringed my head around and pulled on my hair until it hurt. I doubt he was TRYING to hurt me to make some strange point about haircuts, but it always made me want to cry. I think as I grew into a teenager and eventually a young adult, I began to associate having long unkempt hair with my own fierce independence and desire for freedom and personal autonomy. Being able to choose not to get a haircut, felt like it was a sign of my escape from my father's shadow and a guarantee that I would not have to shed a tear over myself. I don't fully understand why I give so much of a damn about this, but I know I do, because I remember crying at every haircut. People aren't fully logical or rational beings, and this is one thing I hold onto so dearly yet understand nothing about. Everyone agrees I should cut my hair, and I should lose my hair if it's falling out, but I just want to have my hair. The hair I was genetically predisposed to grow. Why must I choose to alter that which is, fundamentally, me? Either way, all roads are currently leading me to have to prepare for and cope with a hairless head.

If I am to shave my head I am to do it on my own terms.

Update: January 6th, 2024.

I did not cry when I shaved my head. Having a near full year to prepare for the dreaded event, it was not a surprise when I woke up from that bachelor party and went home to face myself in the mirror one last time before the "new me" would be staring back. In fact, I somewhat entered that state described in before wherein I wall off emotion until the action is done and the crisis is averted. As Kratos, I felt more a wall than a man. It was a solemn shower that I meditated my way through with the God of War soundtrack. If you want to recreate the experience for yourself, here is the playlist that played for me the entire day as I ritualistically shaved my head, then applied red and white paint to my body as I lost sight of myself in the mirror:

I did cry in the new year, when my little brother looked me in the eyes through his sunglasses, much as his father before him often did when we were young, and said "I have no respect for you" among other things saying I lived in "la la land" with a bunch of freaks and weirdos as friends that I didn't "live in the real world". Despite knowing reconciliation with my little brother in adulthood would be difficult, I was not ready to face that much anger and resentment from him. I broke down in tears twice over the course of the week I spent trying to make amends with him while he was in town on his own attempt at a vacation from the Marine Corps. I remember the particular sting as my face grew red and tears welled up when my southern accent slipped out real heavy as I stressed that we were "cut from the same cloth" with great drama only to feel him reject me and dig the knife deeper into my heart with his words. I know he did not mean any of it, I know he is hurting just as I was. Still it hurt, and I cried, be careful what you wish for. Someday Triston will choose to be better too. I hope.

*STARSHIP HULK*- Bruce Banner controls the body of the Hulk from within his mind's eye. It is how I often feel when I am in crisis mode. In that, I do not feel, I pilot my body forward.

"The moment that really did it for me was when (a very valued friend) very politely told me that she thinks I would look better bald and that girls might like me better and while I know she was trying to be nice it really hurt me because I've learned to not care when (other close friends) say something mean to me but if she is nicely pushing an envelope to my end of the table, I should probably open it. Then on new years I had a heart to heart with (a close friend) and he told me I dont look like I take care of myself and then we watched the whale and some people made comments I didnt like and I realized I had better just swallow my pride and reinvent myself than continue to feel bad when other people dont accept me for how I want to present myself. Working for this new look should hopefully make me more proud of it and less easy for things to get under my skin.. or caught in my hair..."

[jwittekchatter]

October 23, 2023 Livestream Recap

-He’s not in NY, he’s at his LA apartment with Kyle.

-he’s been MIA because he got sick after England. Thinks it was strep but didn’t go to a doctor. Today was the first time he ran since England because he was so sick. Felt miserable. If he’s laying low then he’s either sick or working on a project (we already knew that).

-showed the new podcast setup. The walls are now brown. Said that’s what he originally wanted but Oscar’s dad misunderstood before. He’s excited to shoot in the pod room again.

-before he went to England a drunk driver crashed into his Tahoe and wrecked it. He rents his cars so he’ll just get another one. (Omg, remember someone wrecked his car when Cody was driving also?)

-told a long story about missing his flight with Shaban by two minutes, Kyle made the flight. Then when they searched his bad found the weed he forgot he put in his carryon. Was interviewed and detained for six hours; could’ve been 24 hours but the officer knew who he was and liked him? Said the weed was for the pain for his eye injury. He’s grateful/happy it happened. Was about to be walked through the airport handcuffed and Shaban gave him a piece of gum with a Klonopin pill in it. Jeff said it’s like 1/4 the dosage of a Xanax. Said that helped him take a nap in the cell. He was fingerprinted and got a mug shot but they wouldn’t show it to him. He offered $1,000 of anyone can get it. Said it’s humbling and funny to look back at. (It’s literally not funny at all and he could’ve been in a lot of trouble). Said he feels like he’ll end up back in jail at some point (what a positive thought 🙄). Also said earlier that he doesn’t do bad things anymore so ? Also told the TSA he’s doing a marathon to raise money for kids. Really hope he’s not lying about that but wouldn’t surprise me.

-got an offer to invest in a Sicilian (Italy) soccer team with Lil Mo Mozzarella and the other guy they did the podcast with recently. Said he’s going to Sicily in November for it. Later in the live said he might do Jeffrey Shore part 2 in Sicily (can we all manifest this not happening?!?)

-someone asked if he’s doing rollerblade Ken and he said NO!! Said he doesn’t want to do anything else for Halloween; the barbershop was enough for him. Is hoping his sickness will get him out of it. No mention of Tana “making” him do any costumes.

-someone asked why they deleted the last live. Said it may have been an accident or maybe they talked about something he didn’t want replayed. The only thing I remember being like that was when he talked about going on Trisha’s pod but he ended up doing it so ?

-he called Yung Blud’s team the day before they filmed to pitch to him. Met him for the first time right as he walked in the barbershop.

-said he was at Andrew Schulz’s comedy show. (No one posted any pics of Jeff being there so that’s weird). Said he bonded with Andrew and will go on his Flagrant pod when he goes to NY.

-someone asked about his plan for moving to NY. He said he was more serious about it when the flood happened. Thinks he’ll stay in LA until end of year, maybe move in January or March but it won’t be permanent. He’ll keep the LA apartment and have NY to share with friends so he won’t need a hotel every time he’s there (did not say who but was talking about his NY crew; no mention of Tana when talking about NY). Is going back to NY for marathon/holidays. Will stay with his parents before marathon and they will drop him off for marathon. said he’ll probably be in NY for a week before marathon. Not getting a studio in LA, will use that money for NY apartment. Will make a temporary set

-doing two pods this week: Mike and Tana to catch up and then will get guests (his words)

-was not in a good place with Oscar for a while but they are fine now. Worked together for seven years and had a weird relationship. Talked about what they each want for their lives. Joined forces again and Oscar/his dad helped fix Jeff’s studio. Not sure if Oscar will rejoin team. He might help produce from the outside. Said the flood got the crew back together (but it didn’t if Oscar isn’t there 😂)

-Jeff said he wants to help produce content for Steven, Ryan, Lil Mo, and Mikey’s new podcast (Jeff’s team is already stretched too thin working on Tana’s pod so adding more is not smart).

-said he only cares about the podcast and barbershop right now. Someone asked if he’ll come to Australia and he said maybe for Jeffrey Shore (talking out of his ass 🙄)

-someone asked if he’ll do more lives and he said he’ll just do more podcasts (huh?? They are different)

-said he would go on that Chicken Shop Date show, she’s funny.

-said the main events at Logan’s fights were terrible. No mention of those idiot Just the Tip girls at all.

-will get back into combat sports after marathon.

-had a few callers

-joked that he thinks he had strep because he kisses everyone he meets on the lips. (That anon saying they think maybe he always kisses girls on trips is funny considering he literally said this. Tana said last year at fashion week that’s probably how he got sick. I don’t think it happens every trip but it has sometimes)!

**no mention of dating, hooking up, kissing, any girl stuff at all. I guess we’ll see if he meets up with Sofia when he goes back to NY but doesn’t seem like anything’s happening there. He would’ve told us about the new “woman in his life” if it were. The live saved this time after a few people asked for them to please make sure to so you can see the replay if you have Patreon.

I wish he would let go of this Jeffrey Shore thing, the first one was already awful, we don't need another one 😩

[talkingharrystyles]

🌌 Oh hire a strategist for this train wreck already. I see why Leslie lost her congressional race. Neither her or her daughter understands their targeted demographic, thus fails miserably to market to them.

Damn, the both of you work for Warner Bros (Warner Bros does produce Ted Lasso which people need to remember) and neither can create a believable story?

You mean to say that the same court system who relied on social media to convict Derek Chauvin, to locate those involved in January 6, who uses social media to construct a murder timeline and it’s suspects, who uses SM as evidence for personal injury claims, and was able to expose Amber heard’s abuse of Johnny is suddenly turning a blind eye to Brock’s antics?

The American court systems might be flawed- they’re not going to allow for themselves to be shown as fools for a dried up actress grasping for resurrection.

Your social media posts can be used as evidence against you. Lawyers favor this form of evidence, as it’s one’s own testimony of guilt. It’s not illegally obtained, as one is posting their thoughts to the public. Nothing is ever deleted.

“She deprived me of vacations and time spent with the kids.”

Gag us with a spoon and cry a river. One look at Holivia’s trusted bookkeeper (Styles.Wilde) and all this is easily discredit this.

Wasn’t Easter a holiday? Pretty sure Brock wasn’t hopping around in a bunny suit in England with the kids (Coachella). How about the Fourth of July last year? We didn’t see the kids with Harry in the ocean with their red, white and blue floaties on, while Brock twirled her hair grinning from afar. They weren’t sitting around him while Harry retold Independence Day from the British perspective.

Christmas of last year? New Years? Was Otis and Daisy dressed up as Santa’s little helpers and Harry as Rudolph? Was Mama Anne and Brock pictured at the salon getting their manis and pedis with Daisy, while Gemma whined about “missing traditions”?

Halloween? I know I never saw Otis and Daisy dressed up as little Jeidis with a sign that said “May the force be with you, papa!”

Valentine’s Day? Was Daisy and Otis skipping alongside Brock and Doofy (Tommy)?

How about the times she lured the paps to the kids’ summer camp, used them in walks, dragged them to shows where they were visibly uncomfortable being there. Not to mention how she nearly attended every show in both America and Europe. Don’t care for Brock: Jason, a lot of “quality time” with the kids you felt “deprived of” is actually documented and known to be spent with none other than you, Captain dad.

You all could had, at least, played up the drama for a bit. One day problem, the next it’s quickly resolved? Not only resolved but filled with promo and now renewed “they live together🥹” rumors.

They “live together”: Okay then, why wasn’t Brock and the kids named in the recent burglary? In fact… why hasn’t Brock filed a restraining order against Pablo in order to protect herself and her kids? I mean they all “live at that property”-the lie Jason is using to recorrect the lies told regarding CinemaCon and to add credibility to cohabitation theory- and that property is where he frequented to find Harry… why haven’t Brock filed? Oh right it’s because she wouldn’t be able to provide proof (mail) that she or they do. Hear that? That’s the sound of her and Jason screaming and pissing themselves.

Given Harry’s need for control, if Otis and Daisy were involved in his life, he would had been contacted by the several tabloids on his bankroll weeks ago, and stopped these articles from being printed.

Come on, Harry has learned how to avoid slip ups. He hasn’t been papped since LOT wrap even though people are gaslighted into believing he’s being constantly papped and “fan sighted” on the daily. He’s seen when he wants to be seen and what’s reported about him he knows of it ahead of time. The significant narratives out there of him are the ones he wants out there.

He’s a perfectionist, afterall. While he might found Brock’s habit for impulsive lying a set back, he still is made aware of what generally is being printed ahead of time. He’s also aware of the general discussions. Just because he says he doesn’t give weight to peoples’ opinions, he does. His curiosity, like many of us, lures him to the temptation of listening in on what people are saying about him.

Again, does anyone ever see him with Jackson, Little Rowland, Ruby and other kids when he’s walking the streets with them? Are there pics of the man acting giddy when Mitch went to get Sarah’s ring? When they hosted Mitch bachelor party? When he went to buy them their wedding gifts? How about when he went to the store and assembled Sarah’s baby shower basket? What about when he bought little Rowland’s his books, sentimental clothes, and diapers prior to delivery? Are there “leaked videos” of him in those stores, in the baby section, holding the baby clothes?? That did overlap with the timing of Holivia. I mean surely Harry Styles, who is known to bed hop and is in the hot stage of new romance, to be seen in the infant section shopping for infant items should had been worthy of gossip blogs and tabloids. “HARRY STYLES SEEN IN BABY SHOP! EXCLUSIVE PICS! IS THERE A WILDER-STYLES LOVE CHILD ON THE WAY??” Yet that wasn’t ever printed. Wonder why.

Most of that happened in LA. You know, the same place Brock is gaslighting people to believe that she or him can’t walk without being harassed. Yet, there’s no pics of Harry during those moments. Neither with his other godkids.

Seriously, find a new angle, you idiots. People know you wouldn’t dare to go at each other’s throats by involving the courts. You were together during Weinstein.

Brock, all the mountains of evidence and skeletons Jason would use on you? Girl, you’d be hightailing out of those doors faster than you done at shows when you want to be seen.

Jason, you knew exactly what “I’m going to meet up with Harvey *smiley face*” meant. You allowed it because you wanted to benefit from the connections. Same with Holivia. You allowed and made it possible for her to go to every major event, so that your “Ted Lasso” image would be retained and your victimhood card can be used with the public’s empathy.

Theoretically, if the custody battle was real, best believe neither of them would have custody of the kids right now. After both sides would had aired out the others dirty laundry, the judge would had either placed Otis and Daisy in the care of the grandparents who were the best fit until a decision could be made, with a relative/close friends of moral standing, or in a foster family. Olivia and Jason both have too many skeletons they’re not wanting expose. They’re not going to betray each other, as the illusion they’re making.

If this was a real court hearing: why wasn’t Harry present to give his sworn statements? If he “is” her unnamed current partner, as Jason said to the journalist to add credibility, of almost two years, the courts would had needed to examine him to see if he and his environment would be a safe and secure place for the kids to be around before granting Brock the “win for custody”.

If these two morons can slip through the cracks and find work in the industry, anyone can.

Before leaving (I’ve shared why I’ve limited my presence here months back), Harry you really need to act like you have a pair. Or, at least, one.

The same way you were suckered into agreeing with this under false pretensions, you’re being clowned regarding its aftermath. Placating and thinking “just give they what they wants” isn’t going to promise that you won’t be vilified as you’re not wanting to be by both of them. You will. You already have been with how Brock “has been reconfiguring both her and her kids lives for the guy who couldn’t give two shits about them”.

Best believe that the seeds those two crows have been subtly planting into peoples’ minds are going to have a full harvest. The promise of getting paid and career advancement in exchange for the drama isn’t always going satisfy.

You idolize Mitch & Sarah, Ben & Meredith, childhood’s friends, and Niall’s relationships and experiences. Even Camille’s and Theo’s. Yet are frustrated that that is absent in your own life. That’s a result of you being afraid to do what you know what needs to be done. Excuse the language: just grab them (his courage/guts/balls) already and take a risk.

Talk to you all later.

Oh it’s so good to see your anons again 🫶🌌

[corgiplays]

As to not flood @ronance4everbrainrot comment section I'll be posting some of my rambles here

Time line wise the duffer brother absolutely make no sense since it's supposed to be 6 months after the battle of Starcourt which would be December or January depending if you're counting the rest of July or not but it's spring break? So I'm fixing that and my mess of a comment from last night.

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• July: Robin spends her time with Steve mostly since she doesn't know if the kids like her enough (Erica and Dustin hang out with her though since they know her, and Max likes her but won't admit), this month is mainly Robin and Steve bonding some more and starting the healing process of their trauma, Dustin starts to speculate that Robin and Steve might like each other more than friends but both Steve and Robin are very against the accusation, Robin also starts to bond with the rest of the kids

• August: This is where Robin and Murray officially meet without the danger of being killed, the two bond over their conspiracy theories and love for languages, weekly movie nights turn into Murray and Robin hanging out and debating if Elvis is alive or if the recent Bigfoot sighting is real, we also have Nancy and Jonathan having a rockier relationship in the background (if Jonathan is going to movie night Nancy won't be there and vice versa), Erica brings (aka forces) Max to her and Robin's hang outs so Max and Robin start to bond

• September: Before the Byers leave Jonathan and Nancy break up (it was mutual between the two of them), Nancy leaves halfway through a movie that week and Robin decides to find out what happened *emotional talks in Nancy's bedroom*, Nancy would definitely say "I don't know why I'm even sad our relationship was already dead even before we officially called it off", Robin would 100% run her fingers through Nancy's hair to calm her down argue with the wall, Lucas joins Erica and Max when they go to Robin and he gets life advice from Robin "I spent so much of my time in school trying to fit in and being invisible that it took a flesh monster and Russians for me to realize that theirs nothing wrong with doing what you want to do" after that Lucas joins the basketball team, Robin and Nancy also hang out a little more (like 2 more times after the breakup), Robin talks to Murray over the phone since he's not around as much

• October: Max and Robin have a matching Halloween costume (they go as Jack and Wendy from The Shining, Nancy may or may not find Robin hot in her outfit but she thinks she's jealous that their costumes look so good), more Murray and Robin hanging out, Nancy and Robin have a cute moment when the party plays a horror movie and Nancy grabs Robins hand 👀, more bonding between Robin and the rest of the party

• November: THANKSGIVING WITH MURRAY (Robin's mom doesn't do Thanksgiving or really any holiday and just works if she can), Murray teaches Robin how to cook when she stays over for Thanksgiving, Steve finds out that Nancy thinks that's him and Robin are dating (angst time), Erica talks to Robin about her nightmares so Robin plans a sleepover between the two of them at the Sinclair house (Lucas joins since his nightmares haven't been better either), the Sinclair's absolutely love Robin and she gains another family

• December: Big angst, Steve constantly makes excuses to not hang out with Robin or drive her, Robin is hurt (both emotionally and physically because it's not smart to bike on snow and ice), Nancy finds Robin in the girls bathroom before school starts sniffing and running her bloody and shaking hands in warm water (homoerotic hand bandaging, because Robin ate shit on ice going to school), Robin tells Nancy about how distant Steve's been which Nancy things she caused saying she didn't know they were dating, Nancy also offers Robin a ride to her house and asks if she wants her to be her new ride, Max talks to Robin about if it's okay to like guys and girls (Robin cry's when Max comes out to her and teases her about her crush), Christmas is at the Wheelers + Murray is there, Robin's mom is shown more (gaslight and gate keep)

• January: Even more angst, the big fight between Steve and Robin (Steve either calls Robin a slur which he later regrets or says the typical guy when finding out a girl is a lesbian by saying if she tried a guy she's wouldn't be like this, he's an asshole but he gets a sort of redemption), Robin then gets kicked out by her mother a few days after the fight (her mother makes losing her friendship with Steve her fault and definitely brings up her dad, even more angst??) Robin calls out her mom which is how she got kicked out (metaphorically and physically?), she going to Murray's since he's the only one who's been a good parental figure (he definitely knows Robin is a lesbian, she probably came out to him during Thanksgiving), Max, Erica and Lucas search for Robin after she missed their hang out day (she's never missed one before), Max is tempted to beat the shit out of both Robin's mom and Steve until Dustin probably mentions how Robin and Murray are friends, the three go to Murray's and stay with Robin for the rest of the week (Robin tells them what happened and mentions her dad but doesn't elaborate)

• February: Robin comes back with Murray who bought an apartment for Robin to live in while he goes back and forth between his home and the apartment, Robin and Steve relationship is non existant and very strained, Max, Lucas and Erica are the Robin protection trio, Robin finds out that Steve has been following Nancy like a lost puppy so Nancy and Robin's relationship is also strained

• March: This is where Steve and Robin's friendship comes back, it's not what it was before but their on better terms, Nancy and Robin aren't talking though since Nancy thinks that whatever has happened between the two means that their back together and it hurts her thinking about it (she thinks she's jealous of Robin but it's actually Steve), Max and Erica tear into Steve (they threaten him) while Lucas does his best disappointed dad face

• April: Season 4 starts, mostly everything is canon here idk if we wanna change some things so I'll just leave it as it is normally

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Oh boy that took forever, little thought I though of was that Robin's dad is dead (Rip man 😞) I'm thinking car accident while Robin was at the wheel (idk if they had permits back then but something like that) which is why she doesn't have a license along with being poor

Comment and ideas are welcomed and have a nice day/night 🫡

[anadorablekiwi]

Hi momma!!

I have short white spikey hair now! And a nose ring! It doesn't hurt all that often, I just have to keep it clean otherwise it could get infected and whatnot.

Moving to germany in January, and honestly cannot wait! Because there, 18 YO's can buy liquor, and I've in a huge craze with Mixology, I really want to try it out. I promised my dad I would make up two creations just for him based on his favorite movie, Frozen, one for Elsa, and one for Anna.

In the mean time, packing has gone super well, I have my room packed already and threw away like half the stuff I've never used once in my life haha.

How have you been? I'ma try to be a bit more active on tumblr now.

Hi sweetie!!!

How fun!! That all sounds amazing, and thats so cool! I wish you luck and fun times with the move!

I’ve been alright, school is kicking me right in the mental health lol. Things keep getting better then worse again, but today has been good so far. Last night and today my sister and I are painting small pumpkins to look like an electro and a hydro slime from genshin impact, and its been a lot of fun!! I’m also in my halloween outfit today so I’m quite happy 😁 i may post a pic once ive finished the makeup part (my lil sis and i need to go to target and buy eye liner lol)

Also, as of April you’ll technically have a new cousin!! The older of my two younger sisters is pregnant 🥺😍 (she’s 20 and has been married about a year lol)

[rovingpixels]

A look back at the year

JANUARY

I started playing with the characters in this story in mid-December and posting it in my Instagram Story. I had no intentions to do anything with it long-term; it was just a way to play, low pressure, but I still had the compulsion to share! By mid-January, I was so attached to the characters, I gave them their own account.

 FEBRUARY

It took a couple weeks to get through the early posts and I started with original content in February. The first thing we did was take a summer vacation to Selvadorado. Axl has a (random) jungle explorer aspiration so it seemed like a good idea. He loved it! Noe was poisoned and almost died! 

MARCH

We made family portraits on the afternoon of Harvestfest. I really do love these kids! This was never the plan for the game/story but Noe kept getting abducted! 

APRIL

Antonia had been abducted a couple times and I finally thought it’d be fun to follow her. I had some ideas about the aliens that I wanted to explore and I was telling the story primarily through her eyes at the time so it was necessary. 

MAY

Her abduction left Antonia feeling out of control so when she was offered a job outside the home, she jumped on it even though she was doing well as a painter on her own. I found a photo of the inspo building while cleaning out my phone recently and though, oh, that’s Antonia’s workplace. No, it’s my college studio building! The job meant Stevie went into daycare, which seemed to suit him – he’s outgoing and doesn’t mind his disguise. Antonia’s meeting new people! But she’s in hot water with the woman who runs the women’s arts cooperative in Finchwick which Antonia also recently joined. When we finish the flashback, she’ll have all that and more to deal with. 

JUNE

I never remember to get married in this game. It just doesn’t occur to me! But Noe has been bugging Antonia for a while and on Winterfest night, he finally made a grand gesture proposal in the Ruins while they were both wearing ugly holiday sweaters! When we get back to present day, we’ll be planning a wedding. I’ve already picked out the dress! 

JULY

While I waited for High School Years to come out (Axl will be in his final semester of his senior year!), I decided to do a short flashback to flesh out how Antonia and Noe met and their early days. And here we are. 

AUGUST

 Noe calls Antonia “bud” and a new nickname is spawned! They’ve fallen into an easy friendship by this point. Also, hottie!

SEPTEMBER

Their relationship is growing and they’re starting to have real romantic feelings. Antonia decides to get rid of her long-distance boyfriend. Noe trusts her with some uncomfortable details about his past. And they dance!

OCTOBER

We’re off on yet another tangent with a spooky tale for Halloween! The plan was to have a post each hour from noon to midnight on Halloween. I ended up posting a few days into the next month. I’ll start earlier next time! Although in the end, it was revealed as a campfire story that Noe told, there are some clues about his ancestry in the post.

NOVEMBER

At the summer carnival, Antonia assures Noe that her intentions toward him are serious. They enjoy spending time together in a different setting and they learn new things about each other.

DECEMBER

Finally! The anonymous boyfriend is dumped, other obstacles are cleared, and we get some intense kisses and more! Much more! 

2023

What comes next? There’s still a few things to establish in the flashback. I’m resisting the urge to play the flashback through Axl’s babyhood – we’ll see. I do love these characters as young ones and it would be interesting to explore the mess I’ve dropped on their plate, but this is also a good breaking point to go back from. 

When we return, it will be to Axl’s senior year, some conflict for the twins, Antonia and Noe both wrangling in their jobs, and wedding planning! 

In the immediate future, I have to my game is in desperate need of updating and probably repairing. And I finally need to get High School Years! 

If you’ve read this far, it’s fun simming with you! Happy New Year! 

[shipsgaysfordays]

I posted 4,312 times in 2022

That's 4,217 more posts than 2021! (I may or may not have become obsessed with a few fandoms within this year)

353 posts created (8%)

3,959 posts reblogged (92%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@moonlarking

@siriusbaby

@tfischaitea

@girlboss-nahi-girlbas

@venn364

I tagged 690 of my posts in 2022

(heck yeah 690)

#marauders - 61 posts

#wolfstar - 59 posts

#marauders era - 55 posts

#the marauders era - 46 posts

#remus lupin - 44 posts

#sirius black - 43 posts

#the marauders - 41 posts

#incorrect marauders - 30 posts

#marauders incorrect quotes - 19 posts

#wolfstar fic - 17 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#i personally think they’re friends to lovers to enemies to complicated feelings because they love each other but they both want this job

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I’ve been getting my mom into Watcher content recently, and we’ve been watching puppet history for a bit (I’ve already seen all the episodes and know the lore) and my mom keeps saying things like, “When’s Ryan going to win,” “He’s gotta win this episode,” and I’m just nodding and smiling.

123 notes - Posted January 27, 2022

#4

sirius: we should get a magical portrait made of the two of us sometime *talking about him and remus*

remus: …i’m not sure about that i mean wouldn’t it feel strange to look at yourself and talk to yourself

james: padfoot already does that in the mirror everyday

*sirius hits james*

james: to prepare flirts for you

*sirius tackles james*

peter *to remus* : yeah…i don’t think you guys should get a portrait made, it would just be you two making out all the time

sirius *shouting while still play fighting with james* : WE’RE DOING IT

142 notes - Posted September 10, 2022

#3

Sirius: You know we’re all getting taller

James: I’m glad to hear you still believe that, have hope for yourself

*Sirius rolls their eyes almost entirely out of their head*

Sirius: No, but seriously we’re getting older and we only have 1 invisibility cloak, we need to figure out a way to work around being caught without the cloak

Peter: Especially with Moony growing so monstrously tall, we need a way soon

Remus: Well you brought the idea up Padfoot, do you have some ideas?

Sirius: It’s Halloween soon, and I’ve heard that a very popular muggle costume is to be a sheet ghost.

Remus: They could easily take the sheets off of our heads if we’re trying to run away, that’s stupid

James: Not if we use a sticking spell

Remus: Sometimes I forget that you guys are idiots, why do I forget that

Sirius: Oh come on Moony, you know you love us, we should at least try it out to see

Later on

Peter: I can’t get the sheet off guys

James: I can’t either…how strong was that sticking spell Padfoot?

Sirius: Oh BOLLOCKS, FUCK

Remus: Did you use THE WRONG SPELL

Sirius:…maybe

The marauders stay in sheet ghost form for a few days, they never try this again, here are some photos taken by Mary, Marlene, Lily, etc.

See the full post

187 notes - Posted October 12, 2022

#2

i am in shock I AM IN SHOCK

a marauders edit, set during christmas, using the so this is christmas sound that is [SPOILERS] not the most depressing sad thing i’ve ever seen!😲

216 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i think so much so often about how much i want a team red movie with bi spiderman played by andrew garfield, i want it so much

just like, just, please IMAGINE THE CHEMISTRY 

he was roommates with charlie cox, he’s already kissed ryan renolds before, PLEASE JUST LET IT HAPPEN

like they have multiple spidermen and they have multiple universes, PLEASE, THIS IDEA CANNOT ESCAPE MY MIND PLEASE JUST LET IT HAPPEN

243 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[all-that-jazz-93]

American Dragon Timeline

I’ve been trying for a while now to figure out the timeline of this show, because it makes no sense in the order that Disney Channel originally aired the episodes. It also makes no sense in the episode list on Jeff Goode’s website, which he claims to be the proper chronology of events.

I had to come up with a few convoluted headcanons to make this work, but I think I’ve finally pieced together a coherent timeline (note that for a lot of the filler episodes, it doesn’t actually matter that much when they take place, I was just trying to stick as close to Jeff Goode’s chronology as possible.)

September 2004

Old School Training

It’s implied in this episode that Jake got his dragon powers very recently. They don’t say how recently, but given how new the whole thing is to him, I’d say it’s probably only been about a week or two.

Here’s where we come up against our first issue with canon. In The Legend of Dragon Tooth, Jake says he got his dragon powers when he turned 13, and in Shapeshifter, he says he’s a Pisces, which means his birthday would be in late February, or March. There’s no way the timeline makes sense if that’s the case, so my headcanon is that Jake is just like…really bad at astrology, and he somehow confused Pisces with another star sign.

We also have the issue of how far behind he seems to be in school (he’s 14 in early season 2, but still in 7th grade). So, two more headcanons to explain that. Number one, Jake’s birthday is actually sometime in early September, so he missed the cutoff to go to kindergarten when he was 5, and had to wait until he was 6, placing him a year behind (some places don’t allow kids to start kindergarten if they turn 5 after September 1st. I knew a boy in my old youth group who was almost a year older than everyone else in our grade, because he had an October birthday). Number two, at some point in elementary school, Jake was held back a grade. So the first episode takes place shortly after Jake’s 13th birthday, at the beginning of his sixth grade year.

Since Trixie and Spud are supposed to be the same age as him, that would mean they must’ve both been held back at some point as well (that especially makes sense for Spud—anyone who’s purposely failed as many tests as he has would almost definitely have to repeat a grade).

This would also make Rose younger than them. She’s very bright, and she seems like a good student, so it’s unlikely she was ever held back. But we don’t want her to be too much younger than them, so I’ll headcanon that she also has a birthday in early September, making her a year younger than Jake. If that’s the case, she’d be 12 in season one, and 13/14 in season 2.

Adventures in Trollsitting/Fu Dog Takes a Walk

The dogcatcher says that it’s September.

 September/October 2004

Shapeshifter Dragon Breath The Legend of Dragon Tooth The Talented Mr. Long Professor Rotwood’s Thesis Act 4, Scene 15 The Long Weekend Body Guard Duty Dragon Summit

This episode has to take place after Shapeshifter, Dragon Breath, and Professor Rotwood’s Thesis, since the Dragon Council makes references back to Jake’s actions in all of those episodes. It also has to take place before The Halloween Bash, which places it sometime in September or October.

 October 2004

The Halloween Bash

Jeff Goode’s website lists this episode as taking place between Ski Trip and The Hunted, but there’s no way that’s possible, because Ski Trip takes place close to Valentine’s Day, and The Hunted takes place during the Equinox (they don’t specify which Equinox, but it would have to be the one in September; it’s the only way the timeline makes any sense, even with the generous liberties I’m taking with these headcanons). So The Halloween Bash has to take place before Ski Trip. No one in this episode makes any reference to knowing Rose’s identity, so it works out just fine.

 February 2005

The Ski Trip

Valentine’s Day was actually on a Monday in 2005, so presumably this episode takes place the weekend of February 11-13.

 March 2005

The Egg/The Heist

Easter was on March 27 in 2005. This is how I know The Hunted takes place during the Autumnal Equinox; Rose was still in the city during Easter weekend, a week after the Vernal Equinox.

Eye of the Beholder Ring Around the Dragon Jake Takes the Cake

 May 2005

Fu and Tell/Flight of the Unicorn

Flight of the Unicorn takes place on Memorial Day, which was May 30th that year

 May/June (or September) 2005

Keeping Shop

Hong Kong Nights

I know Jeff Goode’s website says this is the last episode of season one, but I absolutely cannot accept any episode besides The Hunted as the season finale, so I’m just gonna recognize that the council has made a decision, but elect to ignore it.

 September 2005

The Hunted

The Autumnal Equinox in 2005 was on September 22

 Late November/Early December 2005

Half Baked

Jake says it’s been three months since Rose left. It couldn’t be exactly three months, because that would place this episode in late December, and school would be out for the holidays. So presumably it’s late November or early December, and Jake is rounding up when he says three months.

The Academy

This one would pretty much have to take place very soon after Half Baked, like within a week or two.

 Late December 2005

Breakout

This episode establishes that 88 and 89 are in the city working as apprentices to the Huntsman, so it has to take place before the Christmas episode, which they also appear in.

Hairy Christmas

January/February 2006

(Most of these don’t actually have to take place in January or February, aside from Dreamscape and Fool’s Gold. The rest could be pretty much any time during Jake’s 7th grade year. I’m just trying to stick to Jeff Goode’s chronology, and keep at least some of the episodes in the order he listed.)

Hero of the Hourglass Bring It On Family Business Something Fishy This Way Comes The Doppelganger Gang Dreamscape Fool's Gold

 February 2006

The Love Cruise

They never explicitly say it’s Valentine’s Day, but the whole concept of the Love Cruise seems like something a school would do for Valentine’s Day. Also adds an extra layer of heartbreak, because it means Jake and Rose’s breakup happened on the one-year anniversary of Jake finding out Rose was Huntsgirl. Ouch. February has not been kind to Jake.

On the other hand, I’d prefer to headcanon that Jake and Rose got to spend the whole summer together before their breakup, going on dream dates every night and not having to set their alarms for school in the morning (can we just let them be happy for a little while? PLEASE?!?!?!?), so maybe the Love Cruise wasn’t on Valentine’s Day, and instead was just some random school event at the beginning of their 8th grade year.

 May 2006

Feeding Frenzy

They spend three days visiting Jake’s family, so it’s either Memorial Day weekend, spring break, or summertime. Most likely Memorial Day or spring break, since Jake says in this episode that he’s been the American Dragon for a year and a half.

 May/June 2006

A Befuddled Mind The Rotwood Files Haley Gone Wild Switcheroo

This one takes place after The Love Cruise, because Jake and Rose’s recent breakup is a minor plot point, so it only takes place at this point if we headcanon Love Cruise taking place in February.

Young At Heart

I know this is supposed to be a later episode, but going by this timeline, Jake would be 15 for most of his 8th grade year, and in this episode Jake, Trixie, and Spud talk about being 14, so it has to take place during 7th grade

 Summer between 7th and 8th grade

A Ghost Story

 Late September/Early October 2006

Homecoming

I never went to public school (I was unfortunately homeschooled), but it’s my understanding that middle schools don’t do Homecoming. So my headcanon is that it was actually just a junior high prom or something, but a few students on the planning committee approached Sun Park and begged her to let them model it after the Homecoming dances at their older siblings’ high schools. Sun was delighted by their enthusiasm, so of course she agreed.

 Any time during their 8th grade year

Supernatural Tuesday Siren Says Shaggy Frog Nobody's Fu Game On Bite Father, Bite Son Magic Enemy #1

 February 2007

Year of the Jake

Chinese New Year was on February 18th in 2007

 March 2007

Furious Jealousy

Trixie and Spud put together a Daylight Savings themed school event, so this episode takes place either in October of 06 or March of 07. We’ll go with March because it’s closer to the end of the series.

 June 2007

Being Human

Haley and Gramps both say in this episode that Jake is 14, but he would actually be 15 by this point (even if my whole timeline is wrong and he actually is a Pisces, he still would’ve had his 15th birthday already). Presumably the writers just weren’t paying close enough attention to their established timeline, but the in-universe explanation is…sometimes family members forget your age; my best friend keeps saying her youngest sister is 15, when in fact her sister is turning 17 this year. Sometimes you lose track.

 Summer after 8th grade

The Hong Kong Longs

Presumably this episode takes place around July or August, which means Jake and his friends would be almost 16 by this point (and Rose would be almost 15, assuming my headcanon about her being a year younger than them is accurate).