#......more or less

[mango-fizz]

ALL of My Splatoon Agents Headcanons! lets gooo 💫 this will be VERY long akdhjsdhs sorry grab a cup of tea or something.

Agent 3 (Captain): They/Them, Lofted Bed with Desk underneath

Three doesn't talk very often, only when it's absolutely necessary. In Alterna, Marie mentions that they're too shy to really speak out loud, so she speaks for them, and I read once that selective muteness is a sort of extreme anxiety response. They don't really talk to strangers or people they're not very close to, for instance Neo 3, Off the Hook, or Deep Cut lmao. They definitely talk openly with the Squid Sisters and 4 and 8 (and of course, Gramps), but will usually prefer not to if it's not necessary.

They're super badass and responsible, always getting things done in an efficient manner and doing their best with every mission. I mean, how else do you think they became Captain, right? But they also might be a little insecure, a little anxious. Yes they do their best in missions, but that's because they desperately want to be useful, because they're worried something might go wrong, things like that. They even drop out of school to be an Agent full-time (again, Captain)

In regards to the other Agents, they're kind of stern and aloof, but more in like the tired oldest sibling kind of way. Don't eat that, don't go there, you'll catch a cold, etc, taking care of the newer recruits. They picked this up from Callie and Marie, who did the same for them when they first joined. Neo 3's reckless tendencies remind them of their younger self.

Now, I mention all of this in my fics, so I'll keep it brief. Three is reckless, always pushing themselves even when they shouldn't and regularly forgetting to take care of themselves (thats when they were younger, they're definitely better about it now). They carry a sort of guilt, a sort of anxiety, about the events of Splatoon 2, and I mean both of them. They feel bad for almost killing Eight like twice, even if the second time wasn't really their fault, and they feel bad for not helping Callie when she needed it, which is also not their fault. But, you see, Callie and Marie are their older sisters. Their family. A precious part of their life that they were lucky enough to obtain when they previously had nothing. So, yeah, I guess they feel a certain type of way about what happened.

Oh, also! Sanitization scar, yeah its there, maybe not as big as everyone else draws it but it's definitely there sjfhsjdhs on their forehead splitting their right eyebrow, it's a bit like a cut. It's covered by their Captain hat now, but even then the teal green has definitely dulled over the years. Now it's just a grim reminder and nothing more.

Three used to live alone in an apartment in Inkopolis that the Squid Sisters had generously offered them. Living alone is difficult. Thankfully, Four and Eight arrived, and now they're all roommates :)

Three is, again, a bit aloof n shit, always trying to be responsible and cool, but the younger agents are experts at cracking that facade. Three is actually super soft for them!! They definitely make jokes and snort at things Four says. Hums along with songs Eight listens to and compliments her poetry.

Three thinks they're a bit annoying, Four particularly, but they also always always always help them when they're sad, or hurt (not that it happens often, they're all capable agents after all). That's what older siblings are for, after all. Isn't that great? Three has 4 siblings now! And a gramps! I'm so happy for them.

I tried to keep this short but basically all my Agent 3/Captain feelings can be found in these two fics. I poured my heart and soul into them! [Family] [Home]

DJ Sango. I don't know what to make of DJ Sango but I'm eagerly awaiting the Squid Sisters collab. Agent 3 is the secret third Squid Sister, after all.

Agent 4: She/Her, Top Bunk

I feel like Four is more…… outgoing? She's the youngest and the shortest. She's the baby. She gets Eight to do stupid shit with her and then they both get (very fondly) lectured by Three. Sometimes she convinces Three to join in and then they all get lectured by Marie instead lmao. She's kinda……. like a gremlin. A Creature. She does her best :) She's trying so hard. She's very energetic. I think she would do her best to make Eight feel welcome and comfortable and make sure that she's having fun :))

Four didn't really understand, at first. I mean, what she went through doesn't even compare to what happened in the metro, yknow? She's definitely the most, how do i say, optimistic? She usually is the one who has to do most of the comforting, but she doesn't mind. Sometimes Eight has a nightmare, and Three and Four have to comfort her. Sometimes Three needs help with their head injury, so Four and Eight have to take care of them, and that's okay.

She likes helping people, and cheering them up. That's why she helped Marie in the first place, right? She just looked so sad in the corner of the Square... Four is happy that she was able to help :) Truly, they all appreciate it more than she knows. And of course, Four is besties with Callie and Marie. Four and Callie can match each other's energy easily sjfhsjdhsj and... she was there for Marie during her lowest point so... she's very grateful :)

In the time after getting Callie back, sometimes she would go and check up on them. It's not her responsibility, she's already done more than Marie could ever repay, but she cares about them, and... it's not like she has anywhere else to go.

She comes from the countryside canonically, and also didn't know who the Squid Sisters were, but for some reason I see her as being very streetsmart and things like that. Maybe she didn't know who the Squid Sisters were before, but she definitely does now, and bonds with Eight over their love for the idols.

A bit after they all moved in with Three, Marie made Four and Eight go back to school, bummer. (This matters to no one else but me, but the high school Four and Eight go to is the same high school Callie and Marie went to.)

Four is a natural athlete, but a bit of a troublemaker. After school she likes to go play turf and do a few Grizzco shifts. Imagine her surprise when she finds out about Mr. Grizz 💀

Four is very physically affectionate, always hugging or otherwise touching the other agents. Shoving, poking, patting, punching, holding, bonking, you name it. I've definitely projected that onto the agents lmao. I'm pretty sure I've made them bonk heads with each other as a form of affection like three times now.

If Four doesn't show up in Side Order, you'll never hear from me again on account of my spontaneous combustion.

Agent 8: She/Her, Bottom Bunk.

I feel like Eight would be generally more curious/nervous about everything since, I mean, she just got to the surface yknow? (also amnesia I think.??). Also, she doesn't know inkling very well, but that's okay, she's learning! Marina helps her :)  (when Marina is busy, Shiver fills in 🤫) But, maybe by Splatoon 3 she's good enough at it that she doesn't need lessons anymore. I mean, it has been 5 years. Okay look I just want an excuse for all the Octolings to interact with each other is that too much to ask? But that's a bit difficult because Marina and Eight have more in common with their upbringing than Shiver, but that's a topic for another day.

Eight is just happy to be here!! She is incredibly strong, agile, and good with any weapon :) Think of Yor Forger. Very strong, sometimes without realizing it. A little clueless, a little silly. Red and black color scheme. As a result of this I think she would try to be very very gentle as much as possible, but she still enjoys playfully roughhousing with the other agents. She also makes a lot of goofy facial expressions. You'd think this would be Four, but no, it's her ksfhhfsdkfjh

So... the metro. Right. I think... Eight carries a sort of sadness with her. At least at first, right? It's... tough. Having to adjust to everything, losing your memory, coping with The Horrors tm. That's why she'll always be grateful to Off the Hook for offering her a place to stay at the Houzuki mansion during her first days in Inkopolis. Marina's been there, so she offers much comfort. Pearl also does her best to make her feel welcome and safe, like she did with Rina. Eventually she does go move in with Three and Four though because... because I said so ksfhjkfjhf

Eight is afraid of blenders. Autobombs.

It took a while for Three and Eight to really become... what's the word I'm looking for. Stable? I mentioned Three carrying unnecessary guilt. Eight doesn't hold it against them, of course not. But, I mean, have you seen that shit? I never played Inner Agent 3 but just watching a video of it has me awake at night dude that shit is scary as fuck. Three splashdowns in a row? Dear god. Anyway, they made up and it's chill now so it's fine. Still no blenders though.

Eight loves Off the Hook, and she loves the Squid Sisters. Calamari Inkantation and all that. Wait til she hears the banger of the century Ink Me Up dude that shit goes insanely hard. Actually, wouldn't it be so fucking funny if Eight came up one day like "Guys, I'm so obsessed with this song by a group from the Splatlands, they're called Deep Cut!" and then when Deep Cut show up as Marie's new employees she's like holy shit.

She goes to school with Four and it's the most fun she's ever had in her life (that she can remember), she doesn't understand why Four hates it so much. She's also obviously very naturally athletic, but she enjoys the arts and literature a lot more. Because she writes poetry lol 🤓

She's happy to stay an agent, I think. Maybe not on the front lines like Captain and the Squid Sisters are, but she's available as backup should she ever be needed. She wants to focus on her new life on the surface with her wonderful new family. She doesn't even remember if she had any parents, let alone friends. But now, she has all these people who care about and support her. For that, she would claw her way out of the Metro a hundred times over again. She loves them.

........So, Side Order, huh? Hehehehehe.

Damn. That's crazy.

Neo 3: They/Them, Living Arrangement Unknown

I think Neo being a gen Z kid is the funniest shit ever.

They're the hardest to think up a personality for, I don't really know what to make of them. I think they would be kind of epic, yknow? 🗿  They have no idea who any of these people are or what is happening, how did they even get into this mess bruh. Well, at least they get to hang out with Deep Cut so thats a plus. I think Neo and Four would get along the best, they both kinda have that chaotic energy, I feel. I would say Neo is like halfway between Captain and Four, personality-wise.

There's like,,,, a very vague botw Link vibe going on with them. Not sure though. I mean, look, they hang out in the desert and also have a salmonid for a pet. Like, what's goin on with all that.

They're generally very chill about everything that happened in Alterna (existentialism aside.)

"Why didn't I tell you that I went to space? Dunno. You never asked. 'S whatever. Yo, wanna see Little Buddy do a trick?"

~*~

I am holding you at knifepoint to watch this person's channel, because they deadass rearranged my entire brain chemistry (here is their twitter).

And also, this person's channel, because I greatly enjoy their agents content and it makes me giggle (here is their insta).

Both of these are important to understand how I came to characterize the Agents the way I do.

If you made it this far, I thank you profusely for reading!! These funny little guys mean a lot to me. Splatoon in general means a lot to me. Man. Damn. Fuck. I haven't even gotten into the Squid Sisters.

Anyway. Thank you so much. I hope you were at least entertained by my rambling and I hope you have a great rest of your day! I love you 💕

[zytes]

this manatee looks like it’s in a skyrim loading screen

[wizard-laundry]

QUICK REMINDER

In the US: threatening government officials is a felony under federal law (the president in particular is protected under 18 U.S.C. § 871). Even memes.

be careful with your jokes if they spill over to active officials.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Me when I remember something I said ages ago that was wrong or my values no longer align with

[wanologic]

sorry danny, sam will never think you’re cool

[luminixx]

“Your mom” gone wrong. Not the right person.

this is lowkey so unserious don't kill me. it's a reference to all that stuff about his mother that I am seeing.

[bisclavaret]

a day late to my 6 years on t anniversary ✨🏳️‍⚧️ a short comic about looking back

[valtsv]

are we still doing this because i have a late submission

[mist-the-wannabe-linguist]

Dunno how to put it properly into words but lately I find myself thinking more about that particular innocence of fairy tales, for lack of better word. Where a traveller in the middle of a field comes across an old woman with a scythe who is very clearly Death, but he treats her as any other auntie from the village. Or meeting a strange green-skinned man by the lake and sharing your loaf of bread with him when he asks because even though he's clearly not human, your mother's last words before you left home were to be kind to everyone. Where the old man in the forest rewards you for your help with nothing but a dove feather, and when you accept even such a seemingly useless reward with gratitude, on your way home you learn that it's turned to solid gold. Where supernatural beings never harm a person directly and every action against humans is a test of character, and every supernatural punishment is the result of a person bringing on their own demise through their own actions they could have avoided had they changed their ways. Where the hero wins for no other reason than that they were a good person. I don't have the braincells to describe this better right now but I wish modern fairy tales did this more instead of trying to be fantasy action movies.

[payasita]

being a manager sucks balls half the time but the cashier kids im in charge of trust me enough to dick around in front of me so ive been keeping a running list of the shit they say that makes me laugh randomly: -"guys, is it cheating if you play fortnite with your ex" [4 seperate others, immediately]: "YES" -"there must be like… infinite sentences" -"bro what bro what the fuck bro what's that mean bro why'd you say that bro what" <distraught response to a girl randomly greeting him with 'hey there big boy' in an old timey transatlantic news reporter accent

[mariacfrantz]

If a fella makes a nebula right in front of you, how are you not gonna pine after him for 6000 years?

[orphetoon]

(sketch) blood in the water

[egophiliac]

it's never the last time.

I was trying to justify to myself having Leona know how to use a waffle maker, and. well. sometimes you just gotta go where the flow takes you.

[hoaxghost]

Girl failed the med school exam like 8 times I dont think she'd do all too well when faced with the burnt crisp of her captain

[cloysterbell]

I like to keep an eye out for bumper stickers whenever I'm on a walk. Here are a few of my favorites