#-wait longer (and re-traumatize myself in the process) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

randomsmilingpotatoes · 4 years ago

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alright here i am with my love victor opinions no-one asked for

- i was gonna originally do episode by episode commentaries but i'd seen a few spoilers and was scared i'd say something good about a bad character or something so didn't end up doing it asfgcjhvfkhj

- rahim is great but making him a love interest for victor was NOT it. a love triangle was not needed at all and it would've been really nice to have two gay guys be platonic friends with nothing more. also why did victor need a date to the wedding when felix and lake were broken up anyway??

- to extend from that, i don't hate benji as much as i expected to from people's posts and i think it's mostly bc both he and victor are?? flawed people?? who i actually think should end up together but they either need to work on communication OR take a break and work on themselves without bringing in other love interests into the equation

- furthermore, victor obviously wants to be with benji but i think the best thing for him rn would be to be single while he and his family go through the process of his coming out and their acceptance. he doesn't need to handle a relationship rn but he could do with a friend who understands what he's going through, aka rahim

- benji also clearly is too accustomed to being accepted and they touched on that a little especially in that he has white liberal parents but it wasn't talked about enough. they didn't really have him acknowledge the difference himself but also they didn't acknowledge that he has simply been out longer, and that not everyone wants to re-closet themselves. hence why maybe it's not the right time for either of them to date rn

- i found myself relating to a LOT to what victor was going through, not in terms of culture/ethnicity or religion specifically but the dealing with a homophobic mother and a partner who isn't experiencing it the same way, and just with a variety of things he dealt with throughout this season. however, and i found this in the first season, i just don't connect with his acting the way i do with every other character. idk why

- i really wanted felix x pilar to happen in season 1 and even at the start of s2 but after watching this season i wish it didn't honestly. i get why felix can't be with lake rn of course, and i also like that it emphasises how much of a risk she took in the decision she made. however, they reduced pilar's AWESOME character to be literally just a girl with a crush in this season and while there's nothing wrong with that, i found it really disappointing and also kinda doesn't work with the storyline. had felix been with pilar instead what would she have done?? and would she really have been there the way lake was, or at least different to lake? i don't know. i feel like it would have made more sense for felix and lake to break up properly in the finale and for felix x pilar to happen more as a slowburn in season 3. that being said they clearly just put them together to please fans and i'm worried they'll continue doing this

anyway i'm excited for bi lake with andrew's ex (lucy?)!! i wish we had more scenes of them pre-finale but i can't wait for more!!!!!!

- speaking of, i like how they made andrew this season with everything and i'm glad to see him and mia finally together. but i hope he doesn't just become ~the boyfriend~ with no other character to him. i also am so angry at mia's dad for taking that job and feel so bad for mia bc she's been through a LOT this season like damn:/ that being said i feel like everything about mia is what she's dealing with and not so much who she is?? so would be nice to see more of her as herself in season 3

- they don't show victor playing basketball enough. but i REALLY like how they talked about stereotypical 'gay' hobbies and how sports isn't one of them, and sort of touched on what MAKES a gay person, really. i just wish it wasn't "you're the best player on the team, of course they'll accept you" in every show that does this bc like?? why do you have to be the best player on the team to be accepted lmao

- i loved the PFLAG thing and it was great to see ormando being a supportive father!!! so refreshing and great to see and also to contrast the differences in how parents react. it was also great to see simon's dad running it and being super involved long after his son had moved out

- i did hope bram would at least be in the background of the simon scene but i guess we can't have everything

- the mum walking in on victor x benji fucking THE WAY I LITERALLY SCREAMED and then i couldnt even watch the next episode bc i had to go to work LMAO like THE CLIFFHANGER. benji was 100000% in the wrong there, it is NOT homophobic for a parent to be traumatised walking in on their child having sex lol and especially when adrian was home??? it could've been him that walked in sooo

- did my memory fail or was adrian kinda 'feminine' last season ??like he liked frozen and stuff and the grandparents made a comment about it?? what happened to that he literally wasn't anything like that this season it was kinda sad

- also why on earth were victor and benji kissing at work sorry but no matter what sexuality you are and how comfortable you are with PDA that is just?? weird?? like sorry but as a customer i would feel so uncomfortable like am i intruding lmao. a kiss hello and goodbye when you're starting and finishing is fine and cute but in between serving customers and making coffees and shit is so unnecessary lol

- where was victor and felix's friendship this season?? like he stayed in his house after a traumatic life event and they didn't talk about it?? they only talked when they were going through love triangles like thats it??

i saved this as a draft the other day and forgot what else i was gonna add so i'll end here lol!!

#the way no-one is gonna read this but i felt like i couldn't post it in multiple posts lmao #love victor #love victor season 2 #love victor spoilers

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aliceslantern · 4 years ago

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Give/Take, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, chapter 9

Ienzo has been too busy since the war to be overwhelmed by the past. But with little progress to be made in his work with Kairi, old nightmares start to invade.

Riku is a glorified housesitter. Lonely and faced with no choice but to wait for a way to find his friends, he eagerly accepts when Ienzo asks him to help do repairs around the castle. Before long, the two strike up an unlikely friendship, united by their dark pasts and their attempts to be better people.

But just as they begin to consider something more... Kairi wakes up.

Ienzoku (Ienzo/Riku), post-Melody of Memory, slow burn. Updates Thursdays until it's done.

Chapter summary: On different worlds, Ienzo and Riku write each other letters.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

Ienzo,

Sorry for the radio silence over the past few days, but things have literally been so insane I haven’t had a minute to myself to write this note. My mom is barely letting me out of her sight--not that I can blame her. She goes between being outraged to dropping everything and hugging me. She wants to know everything, and I’m trying to tell her as much as I can, but still editing the most… incriminating parts until she’s ready. You understand. Even when I was home before we never got into it.

I haven’t even really had time to enjoy being home. I’ve had to see family, friends, and they all want to know where I’ve disappeared to. People all over town, too, want to know what happened and where I went. A lot of people assumed that I’d gotten myself killed.

Including my parents. That was, and still is, the hardest thing I’ve had to accept. Starting to grieve someone and just beginning to make progress only to learn they’re alive… I feel so guilty. Now I wish I’d gone back home during Kairi’s year of sleep, even for a little while.

I’ll tell you more about what happened, but I just wanted to… start to get a status update. “Any news?” How are you? How have you been? What are you and the guys up to?

Write soon,

Riku

Dear Riku,

Thanks for your text. Of course I understand how overwhelming everything must be, and this was an unusual homecoming. I just hope it’s been more joyful than bittersweet, though I fear it’s the latter. I’m hoping this transition becomes less of a traumatic one for you. And even if it is… well. I am an impartial ear.

Correction--a somewhat impartial ear. I will yell at, and/or make fun of, anyone who gives you grief.

Do tell me about Sora and Kairi. Things must be dazzling for Sora especially--I can only imagine what sort of journey he’s gone through, and I’m probably wrong. Hopefully the three of you get to spend some time together, just relaxing and being friends. It’s the least of what you deserve.

I, on the other hand, don’t have much worth reporting. I’m continuing to work with Aeleus and Dilan on the repairs, helping Even with his various little experiments. I’m trying to figure out where I would be most helpful, but that has been somewhat difficult. I’m sure you can sympathize. It’s finally starting to get warm again here.

If I ever quit faffing about and find something worth writing about I’ll let you know…

Yours,

Ienzo

---

Ienzo,

Ha ha. For some reason I don’t believe you’ve been as lazy as you said you’ve been. Though part of me hopes you have. You deserve a little rest too.

On the topic of rest…

Right after I got your letter the puppet strings that have been keeping me awake since I got home snapped. I fell asleep on the living room couch and didn’t wake up for thirty-six hours. Mom was hysterical; she thought something was really wrong with me and took me to the doctor (which, considering how long it’s been since I’ve been home for any length of time, was my pediatrician. Awkward.). But the doctor just said what I told her, that I just needed to sleep . And sleep, and sleep… maybe it’s my turn to sleep for a year. Ha ha.

Yeah, yeah. Spare me your lectures. I’ve been so wired that even when I tried, I couldn’t sleep.

Sora and Kairi are doing as okay as they can. Of the three of us, I think Kairi’s bounced back the quickest. She’s already talking about re-enrolling in school to catch up. Considering she’s the mayor’s daughter, it made the news when she got back. She’s like a celebrity, though because she’s Kairi and she’s perfect, she’s got it under control. I mean that with no sarcasm whatsoever.

Sora…

As you can probably tell by me skirting around the subject, Sora… isn’t completely okay. Physically, he’s fine. Healthy. But it’s… between the Keyblade War, and what he experienced alone while we were all, very briefly, dead (which, remind me to tell you about that if I haven’t, because it is a trip.). He’s been ALONE for so long. I’ve never seen him so shaken, and he’s so quiet . Talk to him and he tries to be all smiles, of course, but a few of us were at the beach and instead of being all up in the middle of it like he usually is, he was sitting aside… alone. Kairi’s been trying to gently pry, but he keeps saying he’s okay. A tired act I think all of us know well by now. Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. What kind of therapist here would get what he’s gone through, anyway? The most we can do is be there, and keep on top of him, and hope he heals and processes over time. Makes me feel like a shitty best friend, but the emotional stuff was never my forte.

Sleepily yours,

Riku

---

My sleepyhead,

Hopefully by the time you get this you’re actually conscious. You had a long ordeal. Physically, emotionally, of course you’re exhausted. I hope you’re actually listening to it instead of pushing through. Been there. Done that. It is not worth it. You’re probably also still growing, believe it or not. The human male keeps growing and developing until twenty-five, and unless my knowledge of Destiny Island’s time stream is way off, you’re not exactly there yet.

I’m glad Kairi is doing well, and taking all of that in stride. If it were me I would’ve thrown in the towel long ago. I think school would be good. A taste of normalcy. You three deserve to get back to your lives… whatever that means. Or at least rest a while before finding greener pastures elsewhere.

It’s disheartening, but not surprising, that Sora feels the way he does. Like I said, I can only imagine what he might have gone through. Though I don’t like it when you say you’re a shitty friend when I watched you struggle to save your friends for a literal year. You’re too hard on yourself, Riku. Being there, after everything else you did for him, is enough. Make sure to take time for yourself too. Though if Sora’s condition deteriorates, do let me know. I’ll see if I have any sort of psychological resource which might help him more than just a standard therapist with no notion of the greater World outside. Hopefully he’ll start to feel more himself once he settles back down.

This… very brief death occurrence you were referring to intrigues me. What was all that about? Fortunately it seems to not have stuck, but regardless, I felt my heart jump into my throat when I read it.

The others have been asking after you, Ansem especially. He says to “send his regards” and I promise it’s friendlier than it sounds.

I wonder, do you have sea salt ice cream where you are? It’s the height of summer and Scrooge McDuck is out. None of my cohorts here are willing to share. It’s been war.

Craving sea salt,

Ienzo

---

To the insatiable sweet tooth--

No, as a matter of fact, we do not have that particular sea salt ice cream here. If we want it, we have to go off-world. There are other, more native flavors which you might like, like dragon fruit or star fruit. (It’s mostly fruit. Sorry, we’re islanders.)

Sora seems to be doing a little bit better. Roxas, Xion, and them came to visit, which seemed to brighten his spirits, or at least distract him. Sometimes he still stares off into the distance and he’s not quite as chatty. This is going to take a long time.

As for the death thing… well, part of why Sora disappeared was because he went back in time to save us after the dark prophecy was fulfilled and the Demon Tide killed us… apparently. Even I can’t keep it all straight in my head, and it happened to me. He changed the flow of time to save us, and “abusing” the power of waking to save Kairi was the final straw. I… don’t like thinking about it much. It makes me feel sick.

Mundane life feels weird. I do chores around the house, and I mow lawns for some pocket change. Can you imagine it? The magic would make it easy, but it also unsettles people, so I do it with a mower. I had to go to social services to get an ID and we waited in line for two. Hours. I almost went insane. But at least it no longer has the awful picture it did when I started high school.

Speaking of, mom wants me to re-enroll right away, and dad wants me to do night school and speed through a general high school degree. I’m not sure how I feel about it, honestly. Kairi and Sora are excited, and I think it’ll be good for them. Maybe I’ll take a year, or do it online, or something. Though I’m sad to say my computer literacy isn’t nearly as good as yours.

How are you feeling in the castle? It must be summer for you guys there, too, though I imagine there aren’t beaches or anything. I didn’t see any. Do you have any summer activities? Or do you just sit in the library with a moldering old paperback all day?

Gainfully employed,

Riku

---

Dear Riku,

Thank you for satisfying my curiosity about that experience. I knew time travel was a factor in Sora’s disappearance--but I didn’t think it went like that for all of you. Terrifying. Awful.

A fantastic way to start a correspondence.

To answer the question… no, there are no “beaches” in terms of ocean beaches, but when I was a boy Radiant Garden did have springs on the far edges of town, as well as public pools. I was not allowed to go to them much--Even was rather neurotic--but yes, they do exist. Did exist. The restoration committee has it on their very, very long list. The paths down to the springs probably need some maintenance.

That is to say, when not in the lab I am sweating and thinking of cooler days. Though I know this might feel borderline chilly for you. Indifference to temperature is one of the few things on my waning list of what I miss from being a Nobody.

I’m glad you have some way to fill your days… that, and the idea of you working outside appeals to me. I imagine it must bore you.

I don’t spend ALL of my days in the library. Just most of them, lately, as am still trying to get this place even the slightest bit organized. If I had the resources I’d digitize everything. It’d make life so much easier. But I am one person with one computer and there are thousands upon thousands of books here. As a boy I used to have the fantasy of reading all of them before I turned eighteen. But, alas, that has not happened, and some of the texts are too boring, or in another language, or are too fragile to be handled. I clearly had very interesting ideas of leisure.

I still have not been able to get my hands on any decent ice cream.

Unsatisfied,

Ienzo

---

Ienzo,

I wanted to talk about this earlier but I had to get things settled in terms of my room. (Long story. Not a fun story.) Would you ever consider visiting? I could come get you. My parents are okay with it. In fact, they for some reason link you with me coming home, which I guess is true. You did help us get the clue Kairi needed. Either way, you’ve already made a good impression.

(If it’s not clear, I miss you.)

I can take you to a real beach. Show you around, not that there’s a whole lot to see. A change of scenery might be nice. Sora and Kairi want to hang out, too. Sora says hi.

If you’re busy, of course, I can come to you. But I know you’ve been there a long time, and there’s not always good memory there.

No pressure. Let me know.

Riku

---

Riku,

I think you may be on the right track with a change of scenery. I’m afraid what little wit I had left me, and when I was explaining to the others I’d like to visit, it became clear very quickly that our relationship is more than surface level. For that, I’m sorry.

However… the more I think about it, the more appealing it is. Even doing nothing--with you--is better than sitting here doing nothing by myself.

That is to say I miss you too.

I can be ready whenever is most convenient. I’m sorry for making you come all this way, though.

Ienzo

---

Ienzo,

Please, the flight will give me a few hours’ of peace and quiet. It’s been great spending all this time with friends and family, but… I feel kind of suffocated sometimes. Besides, I better keep my piloting skills in tip-top shape. Sora’s mad that I’m better at it than him. What can I say, it’s one of my many natural talents. Along with gardening, apparently.

Bring light clothes; it’s HOT here. And sunscreen. I mean it.

Looking forward to seeing you, and talking to you, in person.

Yours, Riku

#give/take #ienzoku #ienzo/riku #ienzo #riku #ienzo is trans

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prettywordsyouleft · 6 years ago

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Through His Eyes - Part 12 [M]

Summary: Losing your sight after your accident was traumatic, and Jaebum’s guilt of knowing it should have been him instead creates an intricate bond between you both, as you overcome adversity and try to find your way in life again.

Genre: angst / romance

Characters: Im Jaebum x female reader

A/N: This story is emotional and raw compared to some of the content on my blog. It is in no way an attempt to glamourise or undervalue the lives of those who suffer from something similar. This story is purely fictional.

Warning: Today, we have a little bit of a smut scene in this, but it’s not full on (sorry lol).

Through His Eyes will be posted every Tuesday at 10am NZST.

Index: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 - FINAL

You sensed someone was there before the door even opened to the art studio. It was a skill you had adopted since losing your eyesight, the indescribable nature of being aware before you truly heard or smelt the change in your space.

So when the door opened, you angled your head, trying to decipher who would be here this late at night. You had promised your mother you would take a taxi home by ten and when you check your watch not long ago; you still had just under an hour left. Madam Cho had left early to head to a scheduled event she was hosting and none of the other regular students had booked timeslots tonight.

It didn’t take you long to recognise the all too familiar sounds of his footsteps, your breathing hitched in your throat. Were you imagining Jaebum turning up right now? It wasn’t uncommon for you to fantasise scenarios where he would re-enter your world. But as time passed by, each daydream seemed less vibrant, shrouded with the reality that he hadn’t actually appeared in front of you. So why would he now?

You were hesitant to believe the signals your brain was giving you when the smell of his cologne joined the sounds of footsteps but you couldn’t deny it when his arms wrapped around you from behind, the shaky breaths you had vaguely registered now heaving into your ear, the coolness of his drenched body burning against your warm.

You were stunned, why was he so frozen?

He began to cry then, you were certain of it, and it took every ounce of you to remain still. To not react, keeping your emotions within. You had cried too much over this man and experienced much anger toward him. And even more towards yourself for how you reacted back then.

Jaebum took a deep breath before he spoke and you felt the hairs on your neck prick up in anticipation. “I’m sorry I’m late to receive your confession, Y/N. Will you accept mine?”

You had thought this over so many times now. When you would finally meet with Jaebum again, you had wanted to thank him for always being at your side. You had craved to scold him for things that bothered you in your connection, and you wanted to cry over your denied feelings. Yet, not once had you expected him to say something as bold as that. You hadn’t allowed yourself to believe that Jaebum actually would feel as you did. Perhaps he still didn’t, and it made you perplexed the longer you processed all this, his arms around you overwhelming your senses, your body greedily lapping up his touch even if he was wet. Yet, your mind was still two steps behind and you didn’t know what to do for the first time in weeks.

Jaebum sensed your turmoil, his grip around you tightening, pleading for you to answer him with something. Shoot him down or accept him, he needed something from you.

Your hand raised towards where his chin was resting on your shoulder and you felt him shift towards it to meet your touch halfway, nuzzling into your hand affectionately. Your heart thumped noisily in your chest and a smile formed on your lips.

God, you had missed him.

“You are very late.”

“I know,” he murmured and you inwardly rejoiced when his lips pursed against your palm that he was still rubbing into as if he was part feline and craved your reassurance. Your smile grew into a grin as you gently ran your hand up the side of his jawline, threading into the ends of his hair lightly.

It was new.

All of this, you had craved. Sure, you had teased him during your friendship of how close he would get, his skinship towards you was natural. This wasn’t your first time ever touching him.

And yet it was as if you were learning more of him than you had over the past several months. You were allowed to touch him like this now.

You didn’t want to stop.

Spinning around on the stool you were seated on, you ran your other hand up his chest to his shoulder, anchoring yourself there. Jaebum chuckled. “You’re bolder than the last time I saw you.”

“I had to learn how to survive without you,” you told him, drumming your fingers against his shoulder, your other hand still content up in his soaked hair. “If I didn’t learn to advocate for myself, I knew I didn’t have you to fall back onto.”

He shifted closer, if that was even possible. You were growing dizzy within this vivid dreamlike state. “Will you fall upon me now that I’m here?”

You shook your head. You wouldn’t return to your feeble role in this budding connection. You had evolved from relying on him for your basic level of happiness. And yet, you knew you could blossom further with Jaebum being back in your life. You wouldn’t fall on him, but you would hold him, perch on him when you felt ready to take flight.

“What if I lean into you instead, can I do that?” he continued and you giggled.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing right now?”

He nodded, burying himself into you. “I don’t want to let go.”

“You don’t have to.”

For an immeasurable time, you just remained like that. Holding one another. Reconnecting. Flourishing. You could tell without seeing him that Jaebum had suffered. You weren’t sure why, though his negative energy slowly dispelled within your embrace, opening doors he had hastily closed on himself.

He felt vulnerable under your touch and it was mind-blowing to be the person who held him up right now.

Eventually, he started to shiver. Your own body was damp from soaking up the rainwater from his clothing and Jaebum reluctantly stepped back with a sigh. “I better get you home so you can warm up.”

“Me? You’re the frozen one.”

You heard the little breath he let out as he smiled. “I’m thawing out well, thanks to you.”

The sentence was deeper than the reference to his current temperature and you smiled back at him, sliding off the stool and reaching for your bag. And then you took his hand in yours. “Jaebum, you need to be warmer than this.”

“I’ll go and shower as soon as I know you’re home safe.”

You didn’t know why this didn’t sit well with you. Was it because in the past, he always put himself second to you? Some of that was due to your physical limitations, yet he had selflessly always prioritised your needs first. You had been grateful every time, however now with clarity, you realised how little you had done for him.

You craved to meet his needs before your own first.

Shaking your head, your adamant answer confused him. “Y/N, you-”

“You need to shower first.”

“But, how… I mean, I don’t think your mother would-”

You squeezed his hand and you received a tremble back. Was he nervous at your insistence? His mind perhaps travelling down a path he hadn’t considered before? It made you fall in love with him further. How naïve was he, when it was once you who would blush at the slightest of change between you both. Now you coveted confidence around him that surprised him, and you hoped it would be reciprocated by him sooner rather than later.

“We can go to my apartment,” he offered slowly, swallowing loudly. His grip on your hand changed, taking the lead as he once used to, directing you out into the heavy din of the storm and dashing through the weather together until you reached his car.

The drive to his apartment was electric. Jaebum hadn’t let go of your hand once, not that you would have allowed him to. His thumb ran circles over your skin, surges travelling throughout your body. You knew that you were moving through a realm of the unknown. Dating hadn’t been something you had ever put much thought into after losing your eyesight, not wishing to burden anyone with caring for you in a normal relationship.

Yet you couldn’t deny what your heart desired and now that Jaebum was back in front of you again, well, you weren’t going to remain juvenile about it. For one night, you were simply a woman who loved the man beside you. And you had spent too long apart to be separated because of finer details.

Jaebum led you up into his home and you were silent yet active. Your brain was rushing to record the steps it took, the feeling of the walls, the counting of the floors. You slipped into his home behind him, and he turned to you, his hands shifting to your waist as he kicked off his shoes. He laughed happily and you breathed in new air. “I thought you were eager to get me home?”

“Let me adjust first, I’m in a new space.”

Jaebum let you wander. Much like the time where he had taken you out to the park near your home, he hovered and pointed out things when you bumped into them. And then he left you to it, disappearing into his home as you navigated the small kitchen space.

He returned to wrap you up in a towel. “Please shower first.”

“You’re soaked more than I am,” you reminded, shunting him away. “I can wait.”

“You’re my guest tonight so you should wash up first. I’ve pulled out some clothes for you to put on when you’re done.”

“Will I remain just a guest when I’m at your home?” you wondered, taking the towel he offered and the question remained unanswered as Jaebum led you to his bathroom. You could tell he was affected as he explained the best way to navigate his shower and after turning it on for you, he left you to it.

Admittedly, you were grateful for the escape from your heady experience. As you warmed your soul, you contemplated if you were being too much for him. After all, Jaebum had been gone for so long and had only accepted he had feelings for you recently, from what you could tell. You didn’t know what his expectations were, hell, you weren’t even sure of your own. For a moment, you doubted your approach, overwhelmed in this new environment of his home and your inner thoughts.

You didn’t take long, knowing Jaebum was out there waiting to shower too. Reaching for the towel, you secured it around your chest, fumbling around for the clothing Jaebum had left for you. They seemed to have vanished and you yelped when your foot connected with the vanity.

“Are you alright?” he called from the other side of the door and you giggled. Had he waited out there the entire time in case you needed him?

You decided you would allow Jaebum to rescue you right now. “I need help.”

The door swung open and you turned towards the sound, trying to get your bearings back. Jaebum was quick to realise what you had been doing, thrusting clothing at you suddenly. “Here.”

His fingers brushed against your bare shoulder with the force he had thrown the clothes at you in his flustered state and it elicited another round of courage you had swept down the drain with the shower water. You failed to grab onto the clothing.

“Sorry.” You stepped closer. “Can you help me?”

Even without sight, you knew he was torn. If he felt even a fraction of what you did for him, Jaebum would be suffering. You decided to torment him further, raising your arms up lightly. “You put it on, please?”

You felt the fabric of the hoodie, Jaebum slowly slipping it over your arms and head, his breathing shallow as he did so. His hands travelled with the garment and inadvertently the cinch over your chest unravelled, the towel falling faster than the hoodie was. He let go, his gasp evidence that he had seen you.

It didn’t scare you.

The heat of your body soared and you realised his hands had grabbed onto the hoodie again, grounding him, supporting him through his desires. Without warning, his mouth found yours. The passion was immediate, arms encircling your body and pulling you towards his. You realised he had changed whilst you showered, but he was still cool to the touch. His mouth was avid, kissing you as if his life depended on it, tasting you, imprinting you, loving you.

And then just as swift as he had placed his mouth on yours, he yanked back, panting heavily. “What are you doing to me?”

“You kissed me; shouldn’t I be asking you that instead?”

He groaned loudly, his grip on you dangerously close to where the hoodie ended on the back of your thighs. He intentionally stretched out his hand, grazing against your skin again and you felt him shake his head. You slid your hands up his chest to link behind Jaebum’s neck, tilting your head up towards his. “Do you still need that shower?”

“Later,” he murmured and that was all you needed to hear to push your forearms against his broad shoulders, leaping up into his readying embrace. He carried you towards his bedroom, kisses melding one into the other until he gently angled you down to the bed, your grip unrelenting, pulling him down with you.

You expected commentary, you had believed he would voice how you were driving him insane. He had no words to give you though, his actions instead speaking volumes. His hands yearned for more, his breath unsteady, his lips now tasting more of you.

And you were thankful for the lack of talking. Whilst you were confident in getting yourself to this point, now you were entirely lost. In the darkness, you were left anticipating his actions, not able to tell what he would do next. Your own exploration of him grew stunted as you tried to handle how he roamed you. His hoodie was off though, which you had achieved with some effort. You wanted to feel every muscle that laid beneath his skin, to run your hands slowly over every inch. The lust enveloping you both didn’t allow for such a languid response, and you admitted defeat in doing so once you felt the exposed chill of the air when Jaebum rid you of the hoodie he had only just put you in.

Fisting the sheets beneath you to steady your anticipation, you reacted to his touch again. Each caress of his hands made your senses overload, your body seeking out more and still trying to keep up with what was happening. You relied on the feeling, your breathing staggered when he moved down your body to where you needed him the most.

You were certain you saw colours behind your eyelids when his mouth met your womanhood for the first time.

The night was spent searching for ecstasy repeatedly. You had painted the entire galaxy within your mind, your greyscale world now vibrant and rich. As the first rays of the sun brightened up Jaebum’s bedroom, you opened your eyes, accepting the harsh change of brightness as it felt dull in comparison to how heightened you had been mere hours ago.

Turning slowly in the loose way the man sleeping soundly beside you held you to his warm chest, you let your fingers delve into his skin, softly navigating their way over him. Without Jaebum’s constant unravelling of your mind and body, you could finally explore him as you pleased. He remained asleep initially, too deep within his dreams to notice your slow, methodical touch. You knew he had stirred when you were imprinting his shoulder blades into your mind, yet Jaebum allowed you to continue, laying there as you moved over every inch of his upper body. When you finally were gently taking in his facial details, his arm that was wrapped over your side tightened, drawing you into his body so you were flush against him.

You were giddy again.

“Are you certain you know every part to me now?”

You shook your head. “I have so much more to learn.”

“I could say the same about you.”

“Didn’t you get enough of me last night?” you wondered and Jaebum guided your face towards his, mere centimetres away from placing his lips on yours.

“I don’t think I ever could have enough of you.”

_________________

[Final Part]

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thinksports · 6 years ago

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The Heartbreak of Early Retirement

NFL athletes are often regarded as being the best football players in the world. There are numerous benefits that come along with being an NFL player but there are also many negatives that come with the profession as well. NFL players are no longer waiting until their play-making ability deteriorates or wait to reach an older age in order to retire. As of recent there has been an unusual number of athletes that are retiring early, which is considered their prime, such as Andrew Luck, Chris Borland, and Rob Gronkowski. We are going to examine this social issue of NFL athletes retiring early.

Rob Gronkowski is a former NFL player who retired at 29 years old. He was an elite talent that garnered five Pro Bowl selections and is often considered to be the best tight end of his era. The three-time Super Bowl champion stated that his NFL career took a toll on him both physically and mentally. Gronkowski suffered multiple concussions, back, knee, and quad injuries throughout the duration of his nine-year career. He experiences “mood swings” and currently does “brain exercises” to help combat against the damages from head injuries that affect his mental health (Chiari 2019). This information is very disturbing as Gronkowski was a fan favorite while he was in the league. To see a superstar athlete like Gronkowski share the troubling effects of playing football is very concerning as many young athletes idolize him.

Chris Borland was one of the first NFL players to retire early due to concerns of his mental health after football. He only played one year at the NFL level but quickly made his impact achieving All-Rookie Honors. Borland suffered two diagnosed concussions during his athletic career but claims to have suffered an alarming 13 more concussions that he chose not to officially report. After he retired, he initially felt hopeless as he explained, “I would oscillate between feeling trapped and feeling aimless… I had opportunities walking away, but didn’t know what I wanted to do” (Jones 2018). This is a feeling that most NFL athletes have once they retire as they have an identity crisis between being an NFL athlete and struggling to find something that gives them the same drive and feeling that football once gave them. Chris Borland currently works with the After The Impact Fund to help former NFL players and military veterans who suffer from traumatic injuries. His surprising retirement still impacts the NFL as current players seek him out for advice on how to deal with life after brain injuries.

The most recent and shocking NFL announcement is the retirement of Quarterback Andrew Luck. He was a four-time Pro Bowler and was the 1st overall pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. He announced his retirement at 29 years old during a press conference after a preseason game. He suffered numerous injuries and went through long and brutal rehabilitation processes in order to get healthy. These injuries impacted him greatly as he mentioned an “Cycle of injury, pain, rehab;injury, pain, rehab… I haven’t been able to live the life I want.” Luck states, “I made a vow to myself that I would not go down that path again. I find myself in a similar situation. The only way forward for me is remove myself from football and this cycle that I’ve been in. I made a vow to myself that if I ever did again, I would choose me in this sense” (Haislop 2019). It is heartbreaking to see Luck in this emotional state as he was mentally worn down from playing football and clearly not happy playing the sport he once loved. He realized that his physical and mental health are more important than money or a continued career in a profession in which he no longer desired to be in.

We believe that this trend of NFL athletes retiring early is only going to increase. New technology and awareness of mental health is going to continue to expand throughout the sports industry. Teenage athletes should have their mental health as a top priority in life. All athletes in sports go through something similar to the aforementioned superstars. It is extremely vital to be cautious about your body and health, especially when playing sports frequently. All sports have some sort of risks as you are going to be physically and mentally tested. Teenage athletes should not have to deal with some of these problems that these particular athletes are going through. Sports such as football may be fun but is it really worth harming your health? It is best to use your head just like these former football athletes.

References:

Chiari, M, ( August,2019).Rob Gronkowski Reveals He Had Liquid in His Head, Mood Swings Due to NFL Career. Bleacher Report. Retrieved September , 2019

from https://bleacherreport.com/articles/2851564-rob-gronkowski-reveals-he-had-liquid-in-his-head-mood-swings-due-to-nfl-career

Haislop, T, ( August,2019).Why did Andrew Luck retire? Colts QB explains decision to end NFL career. Sporting News. Retrieved September , 2019

from https://www.sportingnews.com/us/nfl/news/why-did-andrew-luck-retire-colts-qb/1nta6urevjrpi1p4wm8dy4pops

Jones, M, ( April,2018).After leaving San Francisco 49ers after one season to protect his health, Chris Borland isn't looking back. USA Today. Retrieved September , 2019

from https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/2018/04/20/chris-borland-not-looking-back-health-concussions-49-ers/534902002/

Pictures:

"https://img.bleacherreport.net/img/images/photos/003/825/686/hi-res-b2d667c3a8bb72d9926433e6c609cabd_crop_north.jpg?1567095434&w=3072&h=2048"

"https://www.ucsusa.org/sites/default/files/styles/adaptive/public/images/2017/10/csd-borland-for-web.jpg?itok=Rn4dy55s"

"https://usatftw.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/ap-colts-luck-football.jpg?w=1000&h=600&crop=1"

#sports #mental health #young adult #athlete #nfl #andrewluck #chrisborland #robgronkowski #gronk #gronkowski #colts #49ers #patriots #concussion #health #cte #retirement

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buckysforeverprincess · 7 years ago

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First World Problems

Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers

Words: 2061

Warnings: Language

A/N: This idea was taken from one of the panel’s where the person complained about standing in line waiting in heels. Who wears heels to a con, I don’t know. But thankfully they did, because it got the best response ever and I cranked out a fic!!! Enjoy!

Ugh! Why the hell won't she just shut the fuck up?! This was totally not how you wanted to spend your Saturday night, but once again, here you were; to say this was absolute torture was an understatement.

Steve and you were sitting at the table in your shared apartment, listening to Bucky's latest date ramble-complain really, about her “traumatic” day, and you were over it! Death could come for you anytime, you'd welcome it over sitting here for another painful moment listening to her high-pitched voice and the bitching that would never end.

It didn't help matters that you were in love with him and hated when he asked Steve and you to meet these women after he'd had a couple of dates with them. He was always looking for approval from his best friends, and he rarely ever got it. Maybe it was because you were in love with him and hated the fact that he didn't see you that way. Was it fair? No. Maybe one day he'd finally bring home a girl worthy of that approval. Today was not going to be that day!

“I mean-can you believe it?!” You rolled your eyes while looking down at your food. “She was taking so long! Like, what the hell? You work in service! You have to be faster than that!” She was so whiny, you had a hard time focusing on the plate of food in front of you.

“So why didn't you just leave? Go back another day?” You almost wished you hadn't asked that. It guaranteed she'd continue to talk.

“Because, I already waited two weeks to buy that dress, and I just had to have it! It really shouldn't have taken that long to ring people up! Like, my feet hurt so bad from standing and waiting for ten minutes, then it took her another five minutes to complete my transaction! Do you know what it's like to stand there that long in Jimmy Choo’s?! You just don't do that!” She looked appalled that you'd even asked that ridiculous question in the first place.

Yeah, this wasn't gonna work. Even Steve could see the fire burning inside you. He quickly dropped his fork and reached out to you, but it was too late. You were ready to explode and there wasn't anything anyone could do.

“Who the fuck goes shopping in Jimmy Choo’s anyway?!” You asked giving her your best resting bitch face.

“Obviously someone that cares about their appearance! I do have a little respect for myself and like to look good when I'm out. Clearly it works. I'm here with James!” She smirks at you like she's just one up’d you. This crazy girl has no idea who you are!

“Fuck you and your first world problems!” The laughter erupts from the table and both men are in hysterics.

“Excuse me?” She asks, sounding offended and hurt.

“Why is looking good a ‘first world problem’? Taking pride in oneself should never be an issue!”

“No, it's called vanity and it's really not a turn on.” You tell her as if it's a new eye-opening experience.

“What's your problem with me?” She's glaring at you, and you look to both Steve and Bucky wondering if they were going to stop this insanity. The two of them look blank, as if neither of them knows what to do or say, so if they are willing to play along and let this train wreck of an evening continue, you might as well give them they show stopper they're waiting for.

“My problem?! Well, let's see...you're so self-absorbed you can't see in front of you!” She inhales a deep breath, shocked that someone would say such things to her, but she says nothing in her defense. Good. You have no intention of taking it easy on her. Maybe it's time someone told her how the world really works and does not revolve around her desires.

“You bitched about the cashier. What the fuck was she supposed to do? Cater to your every need? Realistically, you walked out of that store with your Jimmy Choo’s on and an expensive ass dress; while that cashier was still there WORKING, taking care of asshole customers like you, making minimum wage and dreaming of wearing clothes you take for granted! So, pardon me if I give no fucks about you or your material wants and needs!”

There's a clap next to you and you turn and see Steve clapping at your speech. Of course, he would. You shake your head and turn your attention back to the woman across from you, and she still sits there in a state of shock. You must have stunned her into silence and thank the lord for that! Her lack of response is golden and you for real can't take any more of her tonight.

“Bucky…,” you look towards your other best friend with a halfhearted smile, “if you’re looking for my approval, don't. I can't, in good faith or in any religion, give it to you. I seriously don't get what you see in these women. So, from now on, if you're looking for my validation, just don't. It's not happening.” You tell him as you push your plate away from you and stand up to leave the table. You've had enough of this shit to last a lifetime.

“Aww, poor baby! Are you jealous?” You hear her high-pitched voice ask and it stops you dead where you stand. “I know you're single, James told me. You must be jealous he doesn't see you how he sees me!” The bitch is goading you and you know it, and the guys do as well. Both men give out a groan knowing what is about to come next, and neither one of them has the will or the balls to stop you.

“You think you know me?!” You say as you turn around, a smirk across your face. “Let me tell you about me. First, I'll admit I have a thing for Bucky, however, seeing the girls he constantly brings home...I think I'll pass. Every one of them is the same; self-centered, materialistic, look at me bitches, and if that's what he's attracted to, then I hope he eventually makes enough to support your lifestyle without going broke!” Steve laughs at you knowing your analysis of Bucky's dates is highly accurate. He's seen it too but can't convince Bucky he needed to re-evaluate his standards.

“And second, let me know how all your vanity works out for you when you come to the ER covered in blood and I'm part of the team that saves your life!” The bitch is glaring at you but chooses to say nothing. Smart girl!

“Let me tell you how much I don’t care about your expensive dress if you come into the ER. Zero-fucks-given! I may not ever be the picture of perfection or beauty, and that's ok. I work twelve-hour days, wear scrubs to work that most days get covered in bodily fluids-making showering mandatory! My hair is rarely done because it’s easier to keep it in a bun. I sweat, cry, run, have panic attacks; I see patients on their worst days and pray to God that I don’t have to tell the parents of the kid that was just brought in on a stretcher they’ll never be able to see their smiling face ever again! I put all of myself into each person that comes through the door, so excuse me if I give no fucks about your vanity or your Jimmy Choo’s or any of your first world problems!” You can feel the redness in your cheeks as you finish telling Bucky's date off.

None of the three-other people in the room made any movement or sound. If a pin were to drop, everyone would hear it. Your words had left them all speechless, trying to process the impact of what was said. When the silence was broken after several tense moments, it wasn’t the voice you had most expected...instead, the voice that broke the tension was the very man that had invited this woman in your shared apartment in the first place.

“You should go.” Bucky's tone was flat and void of any emotion.

“Are you serious?!” She questions him with raised eyebrows.

“Leave. Now!” He says with a little more force when she made no attempt to remove herself from the chair.

The second time was more effective, and she got up with a huff and stomped her way over to the door. “Hope you know I'll always remember this, James!” She yells back at him when she opens the door.

“I'm counting on it!” He smirks back at her, immediately watching her throw her middle finger up at him as she exits the apartment, slamming the door behind her.

You look over the two men left in the room, Steve sitting there still stunned, Bucky's head now lowered in the direction of his long-forgotten food. “Steve can you give us a moment?” Bucky says never looking up.

“Yeah, I-uh, I'm-I'll just go for a walk.” Steve stutters, getting up from the table and heading to the door. “Let me know if you need anything!” Looking back at you, walking out quieter than the woman who left just a few minutes prior.

“Why didn't you tell me?” The door has only just closed when the words come from his mouth.

“Would it have mattered?” You're still standing near the table, not moving from the spot you had planted yourself at earlier.

“I had no idea. I thought-I thought you didn't see me like that.” Bucky finally look up at you with a soft smile on his face. It's a smile not used often, but one you've seen him direct at you on more than one occasion.

“It doesn't matter…,” you fold your arms to your chest embracing for the impending rejection, “I've seen the girls you've brought back for my approval. I will never be your type.” You lower your eyes no longer able to look in his direction.

Bucky stands up and walks over to you, placing his hands on your upper arms. “Hey, look at me.” His voice is soft, and you slowly look up and into his blue eyes. Bucky pauses, taking in the sight of you looking at him and a loving grin appears on his face. “You've always been my type.” He whispers and moves in, placing his lips to yours in a kiss that should have happened so long ago.

It starts out slow, both of you testing the waters, but increases in intensity as time passes by. Your arms are no longer to your chest and have made their way to the back of his neck, caressing it softly. Neither one of you wants to stop, but you know you need to before things get even more heated than they already are; so, you pull back, breaking the kiss, both of you out of breath and panting for air.

“That was-”

“Long overdue.” Bucky interrupts, but his observation is spot on. “You don't know how long I've wanted to do that!” Bucky laughs and rests his forehead on yours.

“Seriously, Barnes?! Why the hell did you keep bringing those girls home?” You push him off you but are grinning ear to ear.

“Because you didn't show an interest-ouch!” You reached out and smacked his arm, not hard, but enough to cause a reaction.

“For fuck sakes, all those women I had to meet! Ugh! Un-fucking-real, asshole!” You were yelling, but it was more of an excited, happy yell. The revelation of Bucky having feelings for you was all you ever wanted. You had every right to be happy in this moment.

“So, what now?” You ask him, and he moves over and places his hands on your hips.

“Well I was hoping we'd start out with a date, followed by lots of kissing, a declaration of love, and a happily ever after?” Bucky placed his lips to you in another soft kiss. It's gentle and full of promise and you could get used to this every day.

“As long as you leave your first world problems at the door, I'm all in!”

Bucky laughs and nods in agreement. “From now on, you're my only first world problem.”

#bucky barnes #bucky #james barnes #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #james bucky barnes x reader #james buchanan barnes x reader #steve rogers #steven rogers #steven grant rogers #con panel inspired fic #marvel #marvel au #james barnes fanfiction #james barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction

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moonwaif · 7 years ago

Text

Latte (H)Art: Ch. 6

Summary: Traumatized after being rejected by Kirishima Ayato, her first love, a teenaged Hinami vows that she will never fall in love again. Four years later, Hinami is a young woman trying to get by in life. Her painful past is behind her - at least, until she gets a job at Aogiri Tree Café, where she runs into a few familiar faces...AyaHina human!AU

Chapter Title: “Openings”

Touka and Hinami catch up. Will Hinami use this opportunity to learn more about Ayato's past, or will she chicken out?

Rating: T

A/n: Thanks again to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter. I always look forward to getting your feedback. It’s really encouraging when people take the time to leave a comment.Originally, I wanted to make this chapter longer. As I was writing, I decided to shorten it for pacing reasons, and move some of the originally planned events to the next chapter. One of my favorite things is sitting down to a nice, long update, so I apologize for the length. As usual, I'm editing myself, so if you notice errors I apologize. I will hopefully have those cleaned up soon. I just get so sick of rereading my own stuff over and over again. I hope that you can still enjoy the chapter

Touka had always been beautiful, but Hinami was still surprised by the grace and composure she radiated strolling into Aogiri Tree.

“Hina-chan!” Her smile was friendly and relaxed, as if it had been mere days instead of years since their last meeting. “What a surprise! Are you working here now?”

Hinami nodded. The flimsy paperback crackled in her tightening grip. “Yes. I just started a few weeks ago.”

“That’s funny, ‘cause I just saw this guy yesterday” - she leveled an accusatory glare at Ayato, who scowled - “and he didn’t tell me a thing!”

“Why are you here, ugly nee-chan?” he groused. “Shouldn’t you be working?”

“Since you helped out so much yesterday, I thought I’d come by and share some of the wages. Besides, I wanted to check up on my little brother, make sure he’s staying out of trouble.”

“You should know better than that, Touka-chan,” Naki interjected, sweeping under a nearby table. “That one’s hopeless.”

“Oi, don’t speak to my sister so comfortably!”

Touka turned to Hinami, ignoring the ensuing bickering. “So, how is everything going here? I hope Ayato-kun isn’t scaring you too much with that bruised face he has on.”

“N-no! Everything is good.”

“Are they picking on you?”

“Not too much,” Hinami said, while inside she screamed, ‘Yes, Touka-chan, save me!’

“Well if they do, just tell me.”

“Look, hag,” Ayato interrupted, seeming to remember his sister was there in the first place, “I don’t need your money, so get lost.”

“I’m talking with Hina-chan,” she retorted. “Stop being so rude. By the way, Hina-chan, why don’t you make me a cappuccino? I’m really curious to see how your skills have improved!”

Touka chatted easily while Hinami brewed the espresso, filling her in on the latest doings of the Anteiku crowd. Tsukiyama had stopped modeling, but was still designing. Nishiki was finishing up med school; he and Kimi were engaged. Banjou and Yomo were both working at :re, the coffee shop Touka had opened with the money Yoshimura had left her after he had passed away from heart failure.

There was only one person suspiciously absent from her list - the one person Hinami was the most interested to hear about.

“Mmm, Hina-chan, this is good!” Touka said, sampling the cappuccino. “I like the foam rabbit you made too. It’s so cute! I’m sorry I had to ruin it.”

Hinami blushed. “I remembered you liked rabbits a lot, so…”

“You’ve really grown as a barista. I’m proud of you.”

Hinami wasn’t sure how to react to this compliment. It didn’t help that she could sense Ayato listening intently from just a few feet away. Thankfully Takizawa chose this moment to stick his head out of the kitchen.

“Ayato-san, there’s a phone call for you. Delivery stuff.”

“Ayato-san?” Touka repeated, smirking. “Wow, manager; this workplace is so laid-back.”

He ignored her. Touka watched him leave with a thoughtful smile. Gradually, her gaze lowered to the steaming cup clasped between her hands. Hinami noted the gentle lavender waves that framed her face, the full lashes that dusted her cheekbones.

“I can’t believe you’re working at my brother’s cafe,” she said. “Well, not HIS cafe, but in the same place as him. What a weird coincidence.”

“Yeah,” Hinami agreed, staring down at the counter.

“Don’t misunderstand; I’m really, really glad to see you, Hinami-chan. We still think and talk a lot about you all the time. I’ll have to let everyone know I saw you here so they can stop by and say hello, too.”

“Ah, no!” Hinami blurted, drawing a quizzical look from Touka. “I mean, please don’t. I don’t want to trouble anyone…”

“Trouble anyone? Of course not. I can’t wait to tell Banjou. He’s gonna be so jealous I got to see you.”

‘I doubt it,’ Hinami thought with a pang. ‘More like disappointed when he founds out I’m just a drop-out loser…’

“Actually, Touka-chan,” she began, measuring her words carefully, “please don’t tell anyone just yet. I’d like to surprise them, when I’m ready. But enough about me. How are you doing? You’ve told me about everyone except yourself.”

‘Well. Almost everyone.’

Touka took a long sip. “It’s been good. I like having my own business. It’s hectic and stressful, but it feels good to do things my own way and help make other people’s lives a little brighter in the process. If you ever get sick of this place, you should come work at :re.”

“Eh, really? I’ll keep it in mind.”

There was a moment of silence. Hinami’s curiosity finally won out.

“How is Kaneki-kun doing?”

Touka’s smile stiffened.

“You know as much as I do, Hinami-chan. You were still here in Tokyo when he disappeared.”

That was the same word Ayato had used; ‘disappeared.’ Her chest tightened.

“You haven’t heard from him since then?”

Touka shook her head. “I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you something. I know you two were close.”

‘Not as close as you were,’ Hinami thought.

“So.” Touka took another sip. “Have you written anything lately?”

Hinami’s face burned.

“I - no. I don’t really do that anymore.”

“That’s a shame. I always enjoyed getting to read your stories, even though you didn’t share them very often.”

“I didn’t really have enough time to keep writing." It couldn’t have been further from the truth. Between skipping classes, ignoring homework and hiding out in convenience stores in an effort to avoid her relatives, she’d probably had enough time to fill volumes. She’d just lost the desire to do.

“I see,” Touka said. “You’ve changed a lot, Hinami-chan. But that’s okay. I changed a lot after high school, too. And Ayato-kun, well - you can see how much he’s changed.”

Touka’s expression was withdrawn, even wistful as she stirred her cappuccino. The words Ayato had spoken that day in the basement suddenly came back to her: ‘Do you have any idea the mess you left behind, the crap-ton of bullshit that the rest of us had to clean up for you?

‘You. Fucked. Up. Everything.’

“Touka-chan, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

She braced herself against the counter. “After I left Tokyo, did anything else happen at my old school? Maybe your brother mentioned something to you…”

Touka lowered her mug. She was no longer smiling. “Why? Did he say something?”

“Sort of, but I didn’t really understand. I know about some of the things that happened, but he made it sound like there was something else I never heard about.”

Touka sighed. “I can’t really tell you what my brother was thinking when he said...whatever it was he said to you, but I do know this: life came at Ayato-kun fast in high school. Real fast. A lot of it was his own fault, but...he got his comeuppance, if that’s any consolation.”

Hinami opened her mouth to protest, then stopped. Why pretend that revenge wasn’t at least a little bit sweet?

“What kind of comeuppance?” she asked instead, trying not to sound too curious.

“Why not ask Ayato-kun directly? He knows more about it than I do.”

“Ask me what?” Ayato demanded, exiting the kitchen. His eyes flashed between them suspiciously as he resumed his place at the register.

Hinami blanched. Touka was quick on her feet.

“About your banged up face, probably,” she lied, much to Hinami’s relief. “You know, you’re not exactly helping Aogiri Tree’s image. When customers walk in, they probably see that busted mug and have a heart attack.”

“Tch. What do you know, old lady.”

“When are you ever gonna quit that fighting stuff?”

Touka’s brow was furrowed, her lips pursed in a thin, crooked line. She looked more like the cranky onee-chan that Hinami remembered.

“Whatever,” Ayato muttered. “Why don't you just scram already? I told you, I don’t need your money. Let’s just call it even.”

"Fine, if you’re gonna be so stubborn about it,” Touka retorted. She pushed her mug away. “I’ll just assume this cappuccino is on the house, too.”

Hinami watched as Touka gathered her things, words teetering on the edge of her tongue. She wanted to tell her about Sasaki Haise. She wanted to apologize for abandoning Touka and everyone else in Anteiku without looking back.

“Oh! That’s right.”

Touka rummaged in her purse before pulling out a business card and a pen. She scribbled a number on the back and slid the card across the counter.

“That has :re’s address and hours,” she explained. “Stop by anytime; it’s on me. Also, that’s my personal phone number on the back. Give me a call when you can’t stand my brother anymore. I’ll find something for you to do at :re.”

“Stop trying to steal our employees,” Ayato protested, but his eyes had softened. Hinami took the card. It felt sturdy in her hands. Touka’s name gleamed up at her in elegant, embossed script.

“I’ll come by as soon as I have free time,” Hinami said.

She didn’t plan on having any free time.

Touka’s encouraging presence energized Hinami throughout the rest of the day. When it was time to train with Ayato after work, she was still going strong.

“Ready to get to some of the good stuff?” he asked once they’d finished warming up.

“I guess,” Hinami answered, not sure if she should be excited or scared.

“All right. First, review time. So far we’ve covered two basic punches: the jab and the cross. You remember what those are right?”

“I think so…”

“Then throw on some gloves and show me your best right cross.”

Hinami always felt a bit silly wearing the training gloves. She was an imposter in a cheap disguise. A stick-thin nerd like her probably looked ridiculous. Even so, she faced the punching bag and tried to focus on her breathing, assuming the stance Ayato had taught her: both fists raised, one pulled in close to her face, feet spread slightly apart.

“Tuck that chin,” Ayato muttered. She bent her neck quickly, chin pressing into her shoulder. He nodded. “Good. Now rotate that hip…”

Hinami shifted her weight to her back foot. Arm tense, she swung her fist at the punching bag, her body turning in the direction of the punch with as much energy as she could muster.

“Needs improvement,” Ayato said shortly. “But whatever. It’s gonna be awhile before you’re strong enough for your hits to do any damage - if you ever get to that point in the first place. If you’re gonna have a chance in hell, you’ll need to learn some defensive maneuvers.”

“Like blocking techniques?” asked Hinami.

"In order to block, you actually need something to block WITH. If a shrimp like you tries to block a hit, they’ll get squashed. That’s why we’re gonna start with evading.”

‘Evading, huh?’ she thought. ‘Just like you and your sister evade all my questions about onii-chan…’

She vaguely wondered what he would do if she asked him about the “comeuppance” Touka had alluded to earlier. Would he find a way to dodge that question, too?

“Okay,” he said. “Let's use a scenario. Imagine Akira tries to bitch slap you again. What is the easiest, most sure fire way to avoid getting hit?”

“Um...duck?”

“No, genius; you run away.”

Hinami frowned. “But, I thought the whole point of this was so I’d stop running away?”

“No - it’s so you can determine when it’s best to confront a problem, and when it’s best to just distance yourself from that problem entirely. Like...just come here.”

Hinami approached him, arms held up half-heartedly. Ayato assumed a similar stance as he explained.

“Running away has its advantages. For one, it’s easy; more advanced techniques like slipping and ducking require skill. Anyone can run. Two, it wears out your opponent. Three, it can take you in any direction. You can go back -” He took a backward step away from her. “-which puts you out of range of an attack if you move fast enough. That’s good. Can you think of any problems with this, though?”

Hinami’s stance faltered. She always did freeze in the headlights of a pop quiz. Fortunately, Ayato didn’t give her too much time to think.

“You put yourself out of range to hit back,” he said. Hinami could hear the unspoken “duh” behind his words. “If Akira’s too far away to reach you, you can’t reach her, either. In the long run you’re gonna use up all your strength and energy trying to avoid blows while sacrificing any opportunities to land any of your own.”

‘Wow,’ Hinami thought. ‘It’s the perfect metaphor for my entire pathetic, non-confrontational life.’

“Of course, you can always choose to go around instead,” he continued. He drew close to her before pivoting to the side with a swift grace that took Hinami aback. “This keeps you in attack range, since you’re not actually putting distance between you and your opponent; you’re just changing up the angles.”

“I see,” Hinami said. She could smell the sharp, sour scent of sweat under his cologne, accompanied by the ever-present aroma of coffee. And had his shoulders always been that much wider than her own?

“Can you think of any disadvantages?” he asked. He was near enough that Hinami could hear low, gravely tones in his voice that she’d never noticed before.

“Well,” she began, dismayed to hear shakiness in her own voice, “it’s like before, right? You’re using too much energy…moving around and stuff…”

He nodded, pleased. “Exactly. Do you really wanna keep moving your entire body when Akira is just moving an arm or a leg? That’s the real problem with footwork, because even if you move forward -”

The little space remaining between them abruptly vanished as he stepped forward. The hair on Hinami’s arms tingled at their proximity. She stared, fixated on the bit of collar bone peeking out of his v-neck.

“ - you’re still putting in way more effort than your opponent is,” he finished. “Besides, this move only works if you have a size advantage. You wanna be big enough to overpower the other guy. In your case, I don’t see that being likely.”

He smirked down at her. Ridiculous heart - why was it beating so fast? This wasn’t high school!

‘It’s just a chemical reaction,’ she told herself firmly. ‘Hormones activating arbitrarily in response to his handsome face and muscle definition. I am definitely NOT attracted to him on a romantic, personal level. This is just human biology!’

She became aware of the silence that had crept into the room. Hesitantly, she glanced up at Ayato’s face. His smirk had fallen, replaced by a quiet, stern expression she was unfamiliar with. He held her gaze for an agonizing moment - then he gave a sudden start. Quickly, he turned his head, falling back a few steps.

“Yeah, so, I wouldn’t recommend this approach unless you’re looking to get crushed,” he said, voice gruff.

“What do you recommend then?” she asked, choosing to disregard his unusual behavior. Why had he stared at her face so intently? Was there a booger hanging out of her nose, or something?

“Well the best defense is one that gives you an opening to strike,” he said. He spared her a thoughtful (but abnormally cautious) glance. “With your size, you’re gonna need to be quick on your feet - adaptable to the needs of the moment. If you always use the same strategy, your opponent will use that against you. Basically, you’re not just trying to outwork or overpower your opponent; you also need to out-think them.” He tapped his forehead.

“So...being adaptable means I should also be trying to predict my opponent’s moves as well, right?”

“Exactly. But it’s not like a game of chess; there’s no time to read the board or deliberate your next move. Overthinking can just end up slowing you down, which gives your opponent an opening.”

“So how do I decide what to do if there’s no time to think?”

“Well, you don’t really decide, “ he mumbled, forehead wrinkling. “You just sort of do it. Look, I’m not very good at explaining, okay? Just keep practicing and doing what I say, and you’ll be fine.”

Hinami regarded him doubtfully, but kept her thoughts to herself. This must be his first time training someone.

“Anyway, I’ve got homework for you,” he said, with more than a little relish. “Ever heard of Irimi Kaya?”

Hinami shook her head. Ayato didn’t look surprised.

"Look her up. See if you can find any footage of the 2004 Kyoto fight. I’m sure it’s all over the internet. Pay attention to the way she evades attacks. Pause the video, pull it back, repeat it. See if you notice any patterns.”

“Is that how you learned to fight; from watching videos?”

“Not exactly.” Ayato shuffled his feet. “My case was...different from yours.”

The reformatory school for troubled youth in the countryside, Hinami remembered. Had Ayato been sent there because of fighting? A vision rose to her mind of an adolescent Ayato standing in the Anteiku break room, face mottled and bruised, while Touka scolded him in hushed tones. Even in those days, Touka had been tight-lipped about her delinquent little brother. There’d always been the implication that Ayato’s time on the straight-and-narrow wasn’t meant to last; that deep down, Ayato still wasn’t safe or trustworthy.

What was it Touka had told her back then? Oh yeah. ‘Don’t fall in love with my brother.’

“Anyway,” Ayato said, shattering her reverie, “be sure to look all that stuff up by Friday. Starting this weekend, we’re gonna get busy.”

“Because of the promotion?”

“Yeah; we’ll need to make sure we’re ready before Monday. Speaking of which, we need to talk about the new hours.” He frowned, folding his arms. “We’ll be splitting shifts, working longer days. With the new schedule, we’d both technically be working now - or at least whoever’s scheduled for the night shift would be. It’ll be probably get harder to find times when we’re both available…”

Was this his way of dumping her, Hinami wondered? She swallowed.

“If you want,” he continued, voice dropping into a low mumble, “just keep using the equipment down here to train. And then when we’re both free, we’ll meet.”

His eyes darted in her direction, daring her to object. She made a small sound of assent. Had Ayato really just given her permission to enter the sacred space of his room unsupervised? She wasn’t sure whether she should feel flattered or apprehensive.

“‘Course, you could always ask my sister for pointers,” he said drily. “She’s always liked you, so I’m sure she’d be willing to help. Unless she’s gotten too soft.”

“Touka used to fight?” Hinami asked, surprised. Ayato grinned..

“Uh-huh. Nothing professional, just schoolyard rough-housing, but still - she was pretty good. Other kids knew not to mess with us.”

‘Us.’

Hinami tried to imagine Touka and Ayato back-to-back, fists raised and smiles wicked as they prepared to kick some ass. Looking back at the strong, cool and confident Touka she had known growing up, it wasn’t outside the realm of possibilities. Touka had always seemed like an action superhero - maybe Catwoman, or Sailor Moon. There’d been a gruffness to her demeanor, an edge of danger that Touka had tried to keep carefully tucked away in Hinami’s presence. She’d never quite succeeded in hiding it all away.

Hinami wondered briefly what had changed for Touka. What had made her go “soft,” and what had prevented Ayato from doing so, too?

“Anyway, give me your number,” he said suddenly. “That way if one of us has to cancel, we can get in touch. Or if I need to send you an update to your work schedule, or - y’know, stuff like that.”

He reached into the pocket of his trousers and pulled out a cellphone without looking at her. Hinami took it, feeling numb as she entered in her phone number. Was this really happening? Had Ayato just asked her for her phone number? And was she actually going through with it?!

She was suddenly and acutely aware that this was the opening she’d been waiting for. There was an atmosphere of relative peace, and their chat had lasted long enough to drift into comfortable, familiar territory. If ever there was an opportunity to dig into Ayato’s past, this was it. She licked her lips as she returned the phone to him, deliberating the best way to approach the subject.

‘I can’t just come out and say it,’ she realized. ‘I’ve got to...ease into it!’

“Um, Kirishima-san…”

He tilted his head expectantly. Hinami felt sick.

“Thank you for helping me.”

An indecipherable emotion flickered across his face. Before she could chicken out, Hinami plunged on.

“A while ago, you mentioned I caused some troubles for you in the past. I’m not really sure what you meant, but...you still agreed to help me.”

She paused, giving Ayato a chance to protest or reproach her. He remained silent, face abnormally stricken. His eyes were wide with something that resembled accusation - or maybe even pain. Whatever sense of comfort and familiarity that had been building between them shriveled on the spot. A nauseous shiver of self-loathing ran down her spine. What was she doing, digging into Ayato’s past - a past that was probably riddled with as much shame and disgrace as her own? She was just being nosy and rude.

“I need to leave,” she blurted abruptly. Ayato barely managed to stumble out of her way as she rushed past him, diving for her backpack.

She couldn’t bring herself to look at his face as she fled up the stairs.

Some people guard and cherish their secrets. Hinami was normally one of these people. However, as she rode the train home that night, staring fixedly at the loafers and sandals of the passengers around her, all she wanted was just one person she trusted enough to share her troubles with - someone to help ease the ache of confusion eating her chest hollow.

Her emotions must have shown on her face, because when she got home Saiko actually paused her mobile game to ask if everything was okay. Hinami lied easily - too easily, she realized with a sinking feeling.

She was still brooding when she got out of the shower. Just as she was about to finish toweling her hair, her cell phone vibrated from atop the back of the toilet. She glanced at the screen: a text from a number she didn’t recognize. Without thinking, she took her phone and unlocked it.

Remember to watch those videos I told you about.

“Oh. Ayato-san uses correct punctuation and capital letters when he texts,” she muttered, looking up at the reflection staring back at her from the mirror. Did he always do that, or was that just because this was his first time messaging her? She set her phone down without replying.

Why had he decided to text her? Maybe it was a taunt. Did he assume she was too lazy or forgetful to do her “homework,” as he’d put it?

Or had he just wanted to talk to her?

“Don’t look so happy about it,” her reflection snapped. She toweled at her hair fiercely.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t so easy to towel the thoughts out of her brain. She was still pondering the message over dinner twenty-five minutes later, picking at her ramen listlessly.

“Oo gonna fi’ish that?” Saiko asked, cheeks bulging with noodles. She pointed her chopsticks at Hinami’s plate.

“Ah! Yes.” Hinami made an effort to concentrate on her food. “I’m just a bit distracted.”

“Is it about your friend?” Saiko asked genly. Hinami shook her head.

“No. It’s...something else.”

“Oh? Then what is it?”

Hinami hesitated. Finally, she laid her chopsticks down, shoulders slumping heavily. It was all too much to bear alone. It couldn’t hurt to share just a little bit of her troubles with Saiko, could it?

“My boss sent me a message,” she said, voice quiet.

“Ehhh? Are you in trouble at work?!”

“No…”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s just...we don’t normally message each other.

Saiko popped a carrot into her mouth. “That’s weird. Maman and me text each other all the time!”

“...really?”

“Uh-huh! Yesterday he sent me this meme.” Saiko reached for her phone. A few seconds later, she held it out for Hinami to see. “Look at that! It’s that ugly frog! Maman is so funny…”

Hinami laughed uneasily. “Sasaki-san must be a really nice boss.”

“Mhm! So what did your boss say to you?”

“He just...reminded me of some deadlines.”

“Oh, sounds important. What did you say back?”

“I...haven’t said anything yet.”

“WHAT?!”

The upstairs neighbor pounded on the ceiling, shouting a muffled, “Keep it down!” Saiko leaned forward.

“You’ve gotta reply!” she hissed. “That’s your boss, if you don’t reply it’ll look bad! Trust me, I ignore emails and messages all the time. It always gets me in trouble!”

Hinami lifted her phone from the table nervously. “What should I say?”

“Let me read what he said first.”

She handed her phone to Saiko, who peered at the screen intently. Hinami made one more attempt to finish her dinner. The noodles felt like chewing rubber.

“Okay. I sent it.”

A noodle went down Hinami’s windpipe.

“You WHAT?” she spluttered.

“I sent the reply for you.” Saiko grinned back at her like an eager puppy ready for her reward. “See?”

Hinami took the phone, hands shaking. Her eyes widened as the words on the screen slowly registered.

ok boss thank you i will~~~ :D

The entire commute to work the next morning was filled with dread.

‘I should have just kept my mouth shut,’ Hinami berated herself. 'Why didn’t I just keep my problems to myself like I normally do? That’s the best way to have a peaceful life.'

That absurd text message Saiko had sent, along with the awkward way she and Ayato had parted the previous evening, had her stomach twisting in knots. Would Ayato bring up her strange behavior when he saw her? Would he ridicule her for sending such a dorky, cutesy message?

‘If only Saiko had used correct grammar!’ she thought miserably.

When she arrived at the cafe, she paused outside the entrance. She could see Ayato through the store window. He was standing behind the coffee bar, accompanied by Naki and Takizawa. The three of them were preoccupied with something on the counter; she couldn’t really make out what. While she hesitated, Naki looked up, his eyes locking on hers. He waved excitedly, gesturing for her to join them. Hinami bit back a groan and entered reluctantly.

Ayato looked up as she came in. Hinami met his gaze with reluctance. She was surprised to see her own apprehension mirrored on his features. He looked away quickly, crossing his arms and focusing intently on whatever was on the counter. All of a sudden Naki popped up, blocking Ayato from Hinami’s view.

“Get ready to pitch that visor, Fueguchi-san; the new uniforms are here!”

TBC...

A/n: I’m gonna tell you guys a secret. Don’t let Ayato know I told you, but...He rewrote and deleted like twenty drafts of texts. He was gonna delete that one too, but then he accidentally hit send. Oops.Thank you for reading!

#ayahina #my writing #latte hart #ayato kirishima #kirishima ayato #fueguchi hinami #hinami fueguchi #touka kirishima #tg #tgre #tgre fanfiction #fanfic

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sounmashnews · 3 years ago

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[ad_1] An aged couple flying with Jetstar had been left shaking, in tears and ready hours at a world airport after being abandoned by the airline. Melbourne man Elijah, 35, says he has been left so disturbed by what he witnessed at Bangkok airport this week that it has utterly put him off travelling. “In what was a traumatic couple of days, I witnessed Jetstar abandon two elderly passengers in Bangkok,” he informed NCA Newswire. The aged couple had been travelling from Skopje to Istanbul, then onto Bangkok and Melbourne as precedence care passengers in wheelchairs when their Jetstar flight to Melbourne was cancelled. The pair and Elijah had been amongst 22 passengers who had been informed a refund had been processed and that the Jetstar employees had been not capable of help.“At this point the passengers were removed from the wheelchairs and escorted to two chairs in the waiting area of Bangkok airport,” he mentioned. “It wasn’t until nine hours later that I went to check on the elderly couple to find them in tears not knowing what to do, severely distressed.”With no English and no manner of contacting their family members again dwelling, Elijah mentioned they had been confused, frightened and left to their very own gadgets by Jetstar employees. “Like myself, they were given no alternatives, re-booking a later flight was not an option and hotel accommodation was not provided,” he mentioned.“Effectively they were stranded in Bangkok indefinitely.”Elijah – who was dropped at tears himself by the scenario – was finally capable of contact their daughter again dwelling through Facebook.She had been frantically looking for her mother and father. “The daughter, also hysterical, had been on the phone all evening and morning trying to get in touch with Jetstar and Bangkok Airport to get an understanding of where her parents were,” he mentioned. Elijah, who finally needed to fork out an additional $4000 to fly dwelling on one other airline, booked lodging for the couple on the identical resort he was staying at for the night time. “The level of care for anyone was non-existent,” he mentioned. Paul, 78, and Georgina, 81, Markoski’s daughter informed NCA Newswire she was “very, very angry” on the scenario, explaining that she was frightened that they had run out of treatment. “I was frustrated, angry, concerned, worried that I didn’t know their whereabouts for hours,” she mentioned.She mentioned she nonetheless had not obtained a response from Jetstar since contacting them on Friday. “You can’t talk to anyone, it’s all via Jess, an online chat,” she mentioned. “You wait and wait and wait and wait.”She referred to as Elijah her “guardian angel,” saying he had accomplished precisely what employees ought to have accomplished.Elijah mentioned his thoughts was “still blown trying to process the events that unfolded”.“How an elderly couple in their 80s could be left unattended and uninformed, stranded in an airport without a means of communicating to the outside world is beyond negligent,” he mentioned. Asked whether or not he would contemplate flying Jetstar once more, the 35-year-old mentioned the funds airline “no longer exists” to him. “I don’t think I'll be flying full stop,” he mentioned. Perth dad Mark Carder was additionally caught up within the chaos, lacking his daughter’s tenth birthday this week after a number of flight cancellations by Jetstar. Mr Carder was excited to fulfill his spouse and two daughters in Bali after a visit to the US, booked on a flight from Sydney to Denpasar on September 3. “The plan was for me to fly from Sydney to Denpasar via Melbourne on September 5 so that I could meet up with my wife and two daughters in Bali for my eldest Zoe’s 10th birthday on September 6,” he informed NCA Newswire.But after two cancelled flights, Mr Carder was pressured to surrender and fly dwelling to Perth, ready 11 hours at Sydney Airport and compelled to cough up one other $550 for a flight dwelling on one other airline.The annoyed

dad mentioned all he anticipated from Jetstar was to have the ability to get “from A to B in cattle class.” “I missed my daughter’s 10th birthday and felt I really let her down,” he mentioned.“I will never fly Jetstar again – it’s not worth the risk. They don’t have any remorse or regard for completely throwing your plans into mayhem.“Jetstar makes you feel like garbage.”Frustrated passengers like Mr Carder are seeing crimson after it was introduced Qantas chief govt Alan Joyce had been given a 15 per cent pay rise this yr regardless of widespread points. Qantas and Jetstar, which is wholly owned by Qantas Group, have come underneath fireplace for months, following main delays, cancelled flights and baggage points leaving passengers raging. Mr Joyce, whose airline was pressured to apologise for the mismanagement, had his pay cheque soar from $1.98m to $2.27m this yr, based on Qantas’ annual report. Jetstar has apologised to the roughly 4000 passengers who had been stranded in Bali over the previous week due to flight cancellations.Read associated matters:Qantas [ad_2] Source link

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lachrymimosaa · 7 years ago

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i’m gonna VENT

over the summer i had a super awesome breakthrough re; my trauma in the form of a recurring dream that for once didn’t become a nightmare. usually the content of the dream varies but the climax and ending is the same: the shooter appears and kills me and my loved ones. i have an innate sense about what dreams will end with this and what dreams won’t but i don’t know how to wake myself up from them so i sit there in agony the whole time waiting for it to happen.

the dream that didn’t end that way was centered around a discussion panel i was a part of concerning gun violence. i had that same weird feeling that this dream was going to end the way it always ended and resigned myself to it, talking through the misery about my experience with gun violence, how it impacted me, what changes i would like to see. i made it to the end of the panel and waited for the shooter to burst in like he always did, but he didn’t.

someone i know and admire told me they were proud of me. i woke up from the dream, confused and pleasantly surprised, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

and i haven’t had a single pathological reaction to my usual triggers since. it was fucking awesome to be able to tell my therapist that. i was so excited to begin living my life recovered from the thing i thought would haunt me forever.

cut to the beginning of the semester. the very, very beginning of the semester. i am not having any extreme reactions to anything upsetting. i am also not having any reactions to anything good. i am not having reactions to much of anything, with brief and shining exceptions.

this begins to trouble me. i have always prided myself on my ability to feel things deeply, and to connect deeply with myself and others. and it occurs to me in light of my granddad’s return to home that i am not empathizing with anyone. ever. at all. and i haven’t in a long time. when i feel things, what i usually feel is a gradient of anger -- agitation to rage, directed at myself and at others. and then i am back to feeling numb. and when i react positively to things, they only happen for moments at a time. i saw the sky a week ago and it was so blue and beautiful that i began to cry. the awe and excitement lasted literally 45 seconds and it was gone. and i tried so hard to recover it but i couldn’t. and i’ve been trying so hard to reconnect with my trauma just to FEEL something, even if it’s unpleasant, but i can’t.

and it freaks me the fuck out. like i hate not feeling things and i hate who this person is, who doesn’t feel things, and doesn’t empathize, and doesn’t sympathize, and just consumes oxygen and does fucking nothing. like what honestly is the point of living when you can’t feel shit.

and i brought this up yesterday in session and felt very dismissed which probably wasn’t the intention but i left and was like “ok i guess i’m dumb and this is dumb and fuck me” like shit. but whommm the fuck else am i going to talk to about this (except for i guess all 500+ of you LMAO) so i feel disappointed now for no reason and a little less trusting which is ... hhh. damn. and honestly i’m like pondering the lengths i’m willing to go just to feel things. and i’m pondering if any of them are really THAT bad. and i think that alone should be my own red flag that somethin needs to be done but idk i don’t feel like it’s a concern that will be taken seriously by anyone else, so why should i take it seriously.

like yeah i’m a flesh puppet. what else is new. shouldn’t i just be grateful that i’m not having unpleasant traumatic flashbacks anymore? shouldn’t i just be grateful that panic attacks don’t disrupt my work and day now? why am i so ungrateful that i really wanna return to the trauma just to feel those horrible things again. i work so hard to undo it just to be like “hey, no,” when i can no longer access the pain and misery and intensity. and i’m being told that it’s part of the process and to be patient but it’s been like FOUR MONTHS of not feeling things !! and at first i thought it was just because i was working hard (hence why i didn’t bring it up until yesterday!) and in a flow state or something but it turns out even when i’m away from my work i don’t feel shit except for the anger and self loathing gradient.

like i’m done being patient !! i want to feel shit and i want to feel it NOW !! even as i’m writing this i sound angry but it’s performative bc i have none of the sensations or feelings of anger. i have been crying so much lately but have none of the sensations or feelings of sadness. i literally just feel like a vessel and i don’t want to be patient. i either want it to be fixed or i want to -- and this is going to sound shitty so you’re gonna have to like close ur eyes or remember i’m off the shits or something -- experience something horrible again just to bring me back to myself, for better or worse.

so that’s where i’m at and i’m prepared to use my eyeballs as martini decorations if it doesn’t get resolved in like six months or less

#ness.txt #it's a vent !! it's a long vent #the sparknotes version is i had a trauma (but now i don't) and i have apparently forgotten how to feel bc i have been a SHELL #for like four months now #and i seem to be the only person who is like ... troubled ... by my inability to feel ...#listen. not feeling is not the preferred alternative to intensely feeling unpleasant emotions #at least not globally !! situationally speaking hell yes i love not having pathological reactions to small triggers #but having no reactions. to anything. ever. is starting to cramp my style.

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raisingsupergirl · 7 years ago

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The Tooth Fairy Comes Early

"I want my tooth back," Avery managed between sobs. I couldn't tell her that I wanted her to have it back, too. I couldn't tell her that I thought she was cuter without a bloody gap in her smile. I couldn't tell her that Daddy might go away for a little while because he was about to beat the tar out of an incompetent dentist. But let me back up a little.

A few months ago, my oldest daughter—only three years old—went to our family dentist, and he discovered that she had a cavity. And because he's not a pediatric dentist, he referred us to a fancy office in the "city." One of those offices with a salt-water fish tank. You know the type. Anyway, this new, fancy dentist found a second cavity in Avery's front tooth. It was tiny, but the dentist insisted that it needed to be taken care of right away. So, about $600 later, our little super girl had a couple of new fillings, one of which required a silver crown (Avery was really excited for a second until she realized she wasn't getting an actual crown). And everything seemed to work out as expected. That is, until about three weeks later.

I don't remember when, exactly, Avery started complaining about tooth pain, but it just kept getting worse, and we finally took her back to Fancy Dentist. Well, my wife took her while I was at work. And when she called me and told me that the tooth had an infection in it and had to be extracted immediately, I didn't quite process the extent of what she was saying. But then she said that Fancy Dentist claimed that Avery must have "bumped" the tooth at some point to cause the infection, and that the extraction was going to cost $200, I understood what was going on real quick. And I had to fight the urge to drive straight up to Fancy Dentist and cause some dental damage of my own.

"She didn't bump it," I yelled as quietly as I could through the phone (I was still at work, remember). The problem was, I was quietly yelling at my wife. "That dentist drilled a hole in her tooth and allowed it to get infected. We're not paying them a dime!" And I didn't budge on the issue. As a health professional, I knew… well, nothing about teeth. But it seemed to me that my claim was much more legitimate than Fancy Dentist's. So I pumped my wife up to stand her ground, and she won. They didn't charge us a dime to pull the tooth. Unfortunately, two days later they sent us a bill for everything else—the exam, the x-rays, and the laughing gas. And my wife paid it because I wasn't around to be a complete jerk for a second time. But let's get back to the situation at hand, shall we? Fancy Dentist had just pulled out my daughter's tooth. And not just any tooth. It was an upper central incisor. Front and center. She'd had it for barely two years. It had its whole life ahead of it. And now it was gone.

My daughter was devastated. Well, I mean, she was high on laughing gas, but she was still devastated. But there's a darker side to this story. Darker than an incompetent, corrupt dentist. Darker than a little girl prematurely losing a tooth. The truth is, I found myself staring at that little girl and… judging her. She was no longer my perfect little angel. She was flawed. And her flaw was permanent. At least, that's how I felt at the time. People with missing teeth come with certain stigmas. Lower socioeconomic status, health, hygiene, etc. And now people were going to look at my daughter and assume these things about her. I joked with my wife that she couldn't go to pre-kindergarten this year because no one else would be losing teeth yet. But I was only partially joking. Basically, I was so traumatized by this whole event that I threw all rational thought and basic humanity out the window.

But time marches on, and the dark clouds eventually part. And like a blessing from God, there was an annual event that came at the perfect time—the Country Days festival. The only event all year where teeth are in as short of supply as shirts and shoes. What better chance to re-introduce my traumatized little girl back into the world? And that was the start of the healing process (mental health more than dental health thanks to the carnival food). Seeing the smile on Avery's face when she was pretending to be a giant at the top of a 100-foot Ferris wheel just melted my heart. And it started breaking through my shallow perceptions. And through those cracks, I started seeing the reality of the situation.

"I understand why people sue now," my wife said a couple of days later. And the statement really put things into perspective. As a physical therapist, I've screwed up before. Thankfully, none of it has been anything close to malpractice, and no one has tried to sue me, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone hasn't at least thought about it. Can you believe that? The nerve of some people. I mean, that someone could actually blame me for hurting them when it's them who come to me with their injuries in the first place? Don't they realize that I'm only trying to help them? It's almost like… oh, wait, yeah, that's exactly what I did to Fancy Dentist, isn't it?

But the thing is, I would never have had that reaction if it had been my tooth. I've mentioned before that there's nothing that hurts me more than seeing one of my children hurt. Bumps and scrapes are fine. I deal with those daily without an issue, but if they sustain an actual injury, I come fairly unhinged. On the inside, I mean. On the outside, I still a physical therapist, a fixer. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm fighting the urge to vomit the whole time. And this whole tooth fiasco was no different. I didn't really accept the fact that the tooth was disposable anyway, or that it wasn't a more serious issue. I didn't allow myself to consider that maybe the dentist wasn't to blame at all. And even if Dr. Fancy was as fault, it may have been plain old bad luck from a risk that's always present when trying to fix decaying teeth.

And most of all, I was being horribly shallow about the whole thing. Not only was I judging Fancy Dentist and my daughter, but my own personal biases were surfacing about other people. Most of the time, I imagine myself as an accepting individual. I try to see people as unique children of God, as beings deserving of giving and receiving love, as contributors to the human race in one way or another. But apparently that doesn't stop me from going full Papa Bear on anyone who threatens to make my child look anything like those other people.

"I kind of like her without that tooth," my wife said a couple of days ago. And you know what? I agree with her. At first, I hated it because it made her look different from the girl I'm so fond of. But then, her personality shone through, and this new look matched her personality perfectly. It changed my perception—challenged me to look deeper. So maybe we love people for who they are on the inside, after all. There should really be a saying about that. And even if I'm a little slow on the uptake, I think everything will still work out. Mostly because, even short one tooth, my oldest daughter is still way cuter than I ever was. Oh, and since the Tooth Fairy left a couple of bucks in exchange for that pearly white, Avery will be the expert all of the other kids turn to when their time comes.

#first tooth #tooth fairy #dentist #dental health #country days #country days 2018 #parenting #momblr #mumblr #dadblr #judgement #equality #acceptance #trauma response

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youshi56 · 5 years ago

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Dear Friends:

LIFE RECOVERY

For those of us raised in chaotic situations our response may be to try to maintain control of something......anything!!! We may become rigid and controlling of our children, or insist on having control in our homes or work relationships. Perhaps we focus on our own eating habits or develop rituals for living that gives us the feeling of being in control of our own lives.

King Solomon tells us, "Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life. I have seen everything in this meaningless life, including the death of good young people and the long life of wicked people.....For there is a time and a way for everything, even when a person is in trouble. Indeed, how can people avoid what they don't know is going to happen?" (Ecclesiastes 7:14-15, 8:6-7).

It's understandable that we would want to develop a security system to protect our lives in response to our past powerlessness and the pain it brought. Maintaining control can serve to make us feel safer in an uncertain world. However, it can also pose a trap for us, if we must always have control in order to cope. We need to balance our understanding of life to realize that life is uncertain. We will not always be in situations where we have the power and control we need to make us feel safe. This balance can keep us on track, even when an unexpected loss of power occurs.

If we must always be in control, we're out of control!

Dear friends:

I thought I would drop these few lines as you are all in my thoughts, heart and prayers.

I will attempt to fulfill a few lines definition once again and those of you who are getting to know me know it no doubt will be fulfilled. Lol.

Pain and or struggle are indicator that I have come to understand is a special gift that protects me. Some people may have a hard time with that statement but before you close your thought let me include the benefits if feeling or experiencing pain or struggle.

Pain is there in our lives at times for a reason. It lets our body know something is wrong and it needs to be fixed. Whether it is physical or emotional.

Lepers for example felt no pain and in such could not detect things that needed attention. What is true of physical pain and the body is true for emotional pain and the soul.

Pain is a gift from God to let me (us) know that something isn't right, that something in our lives need attention and fixing.

When we feel our lives, we are tuned in to pain as it emerges and can resolve it before our lives begin to revolve around it. But if we are not allowed to or choose not to feel the pain, we will add hurt on top of injury and inflict further difficulty and conflict on our lives.

It is not one we actively seek, but when it appears in our lives, we need to react appropriately, rather than deny or neglect it.

So for me personally it is in the things I sense be it pain or joy, stress or peace determines for me what I need and in this I seek God's understanding and wisdom I might personally need to overcome in and through Him.

I share a lot about God as I know He speaks to every one and years ago when I went for help the first thing He desired I establish was understanding all the ways He spoke to me and ministered to me and the things I experienced in Him, He wanted to make sure my connection with Him was properly in place as He knew what was ahead of me. And when He began healing areas within me He began to establish Himself properly in place so I would experience healing as it should have been.

So I have shared things I experienced and conversations I have had personally with God giving information understanding others have also experienced things in God and understanding some of them are in recovery/healing/wholeness/holiness in the process of being transformed and/or healed that in understanding His love and understanding of them personally direct them to seek for themselves experience it for themselves.

God has placed Himself firmly in my life and I know I never alone in my heart, thoughts, mind or spirit. He reveals to me those things I need to know or re-apply.

I never have to try and figure out what I am feeling or why I just go to Him and ask His direction.

See God wanted people assured of His presence and ability by His Spirit personally for every one and all my conversations are private I can choose to share or keep it to myself but understanding the need out their I share knowing others have been hurt along the way unless someone shares they will end up believing lies and not experience the freedom and healing many have paid counselors for and not truly received.

See when I am read a book I seek Him in revealing anything that might be important to know and understand at this moment because He deals in this moment and in such often heals areas within me that I experienced other times in my life but didn't receive the healing inside that I was seeking.

See in establishing His relationship with us we would begin to not only understand but see things we could not see until some healing took place.

See in this I know and others will know they are not alone and in experiencing it will experience His ability to show and reveal things they need to know. Part of my personal healing was understanding how it could happen and what I was experiencing and how to begin to help myself . And see that is the beauty of God He lead me to the answers those answers I share on face book about post-traumatic stress, recovery/healing/wholeness/holiness.

See in my life in experiencing things in God that wasn't understood by others He also lead me to the answers in Scripture He help me understand I experienced the baptism at age 13, and that funny language I spoke as I called it back then was called tongues evidence of His Spirit in me whom would intercede on my behalf and I would experience Him interceding through me in deep groans etc. pain I had know words for but He would intercede on my behalf knowing exactly what to pray.

No one could explains all the thing I experience in Him and He can do that for others. Not that this is not spoke of in churches but they are unaware of things He has done in people's lives and it is important to God that those who have experienced things understand. When I post I pray He draw His Servant and any who are seeking and need this understanding so they may begin to walk in the freedom of knowing they are loved and definitely not alone. They have a source of help whom understands us and everything anyone has gone through and waits for us to ask His help so He, Jesus and the Holy Spirit can fulfill their purpose in our lives.

See we don't always understand They each had a purpose for each and everyone of us and become willing and desire to be the help and support we need and in such we become free in sharing with others if we choose to. But God did save me and heal me for any other reason then He can't bare people in pain when He has the power and understanding and love they need, but yet He will wait patiently for someone to portray Him as He is so He can begin to mend hearts that are broken, strengthen areas were we became sick etc. he Himself will fulfill His word Ezekiel 34:11-16. And as people experience He Himself rescuing them they know longer become afraid of being hurt and they know longer walk into unhealthy relationships but are able to discern a potential danger before they walk into it. That is what healing and restoration is about setting people free to see what they couldn't see, hear what they couldn't hear, begin to walk in areas where they had become crippled, free to understand that still small voice that directs our steps this way rather than that way as He sees what we can't see yet in protection. We come to understand every thing He does is out of love and understanding that Dear Survivor:

The Incredible message of the Cross, we don't have to be perfect but as we go to Him He transforms us and rather than trying or thinking I have to change myself in my own strength and ability His grace and love for us and toward us will accomplish in us and in all others the things they and He desires most; freedom of past pain and sorrow, healing of mind, body and soul (consisting of our intellect and emotions) and a relationship with Him.

He knows everything about us and because He knows us He is able to minister (or speak to us) each in a way that frees us to see Him clearer and with more confidence in Him and His ability to transform lives today.

This is why I cannot boast because I know who is doing the work in me and I know how many times I go to Him and say I don't know what to do or say, etc. I know how many times I still fall and how gently He extends His hand and helps me up with live and gentleness I have never had in my life.

The incredible message is God knows no one is perfect and that we all have sin and He provided a sacrifice in His Son a bridge so we have access to the throne of God. So we could have a relationship and come to truly Know Him as He is and be free to be all He created us to be. As we seek Him daily asking His love in areas of our life that He knows is in need of His love healing begins and freedom we never had and understanding that once was not clear becomes clear because of His healing and love. So I invite people to seek Him and talk to Him and ask Him to reveal more and more of Himself and who He truly is and His desire for them. My life has been enriched in more and more of an understanding and knowledge of Him, His grace and love not just for me but for all. So I share with you praying as God reveals more and more of Himself to you personally your relationship with Him will grow deeper and deeper knowing and understanding His great love and compassion not just for you but for all.

In regards to God allows things He knows what is ahead and behind us and what each person will face in their daily life and walk with Him. He allows us the choice to seek Him in regards to all things or not. So to me what He allows is my personal choice in any given situation I can choose to handle it myself, depend on others or go to Him for guidance and understanding.

He offers us in every situation and circumstance the opportunity to depend on ourselves or others or turn to Him for guidance and His wisdom and He offers His Holy Spirit to open and reveal what one needs to know and or understand.

By accepting the sacrifice Jesus made for me personally it opens the opportunity for me to have fellowship with God. So in thanking Jesus for dying on the cross for myself personally and recognizing I have sin I accept and thank Him for the sacrifice He made willingly made for me so I might have life and life more abundantly. God's plan from the beginning was that people would accept His Son knowing we all have sin and need the sacrifice of love He made to begin a relationship with Him, but God also wanted people to know who He was and accept His Son in understanding His love for all. He knew if people understood His love and that He loved them and wanted to help He would be able to do more for people than they could ever imagine. It is His love and understanding that frees people to see other things that until they experienced and felt His love remained blinded because of pain and hurt they had. Many things in my life only He could heal so I continue to pray Ezekiel 34:11-16; where He tells me He Himself will search for His sheep (His own) and understanding why people began to feel the way they did and understanding sometimes because He often was misrepresented and misunderstood people ran from the true source of help now with better understanding will be able to minister to people letting them know His love and care for them. I realize there is a lot in this letter but you have it with you and if there is something you don't understand you can ask God what it is saying and or what it means.

Thank-you God for watching over me, thank-you Holy Spirit for interceding for me, Thank-you Jesus for giving Your life for me. Thank-you for knowing me when I know longer knew myself. Thank-you for knowing when to hold me close and when to let me go so I could continue to grow. Thank-you for every stepping stone, for the path that always draws me back to You. Thank-you for the time You took to help me see Your heart. Thank-you for Your Son who gave us all a brand new start. Thank-you for the hope I have in You because Jesus cared enough to carry the truth. There is no power like Your love on this earth. No treasure equal to its worth and the life we can have because of Your Son's birth. Thank-you for Your gift of love that You continually send from above. Thank-you for music that touches my soul and continues to make me whole. Thank-you for giving me the choice and helping me search my soul so I could hear Your voice. Thank-you for Your Spirit who teaches mr and for the strength He gives to me. Thank-you for giving me room to learn and grow, and for guiding me gently so I can see who is the author and finisher of my faith. And to You alone I owe all my thanks.

With Their love, peace, hope and grace,

In Christ,

Linda Diana Mullin

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remnants-of-rwby · 8 years ago

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RWBY Research and Analysis: That Freezerburn Hug.

Hello - i’m here to overly look into a moment that has some mixed signals! As with anything rwby that just doesn't have a straight answer, let’s look into something to figure out what pops up! So with this topic, the Weiss/Yang hug; Is it just a hug or is it something more? Only a few things to do to really get to the bottom of this.

Here is what’ll be discussed in this:

* Yang Hugs, Pre and then Post Fall.

* Hug research - types of ways people naturally want to express affection, whether it be platonic or otherwise.

* The Way the Hug is done; the emotional and physical stand points; How it could be Platonic, How it could be Romantic, and how people are getting these mixed signals.

* Brief Conclusion.

Yang hugs differently in comparison to Pre-fall and POST-fall and so does Weiss, in the sense that Weiss wants to willingly hug; but this could be voiced for the fact that Weiss has become a more caring, empathetic person. Let’s backtrack more and study how Yang physically expresses herself in terms of care/affection with, you know, hugging.

PRE-FALL

Yang used to hugged in a way that it was like she was giving her whole heart. she closes her arms entirely around the person, forcing them to only accept and not reciprocate in any way, which I think says a lot about her character then; she doesn't want or expect it back, she only has the one goal in mind; 'know that I care; I'm here, I got you.' Yang, ironically from the pre-fall, does the "Bear Hug". In 1876 was when “bear hug” was fully used. this name is possibly inspired by how a mother bear completely covers her baby with her front legs when protecting them with her body. Odd, doesn’t that characteristic sound...familiar… a person who uses their own body as a shield/attack mechanism to protect something the love and care about? Oh wait - that’s what yang does.

Short version: Goldilocks is a mother bear. Oh the irony.

POST-FALL

Yang now? She almost needs that affection in return, instead of being this never-ending fire, she seems to need that... extra kick, that support in turn. She lets people in, she hugs them in a different manner, supporting their head and cradling them closer to herself, which sends different emotional levels of an emotional state. a supportive, protective, emotional state.

Now the fun important part: THE HUG.

first and foremost, there is a vast difference of hugging a person; depending on gender, height, emotional intentions, length of a hug, the position of where the arms are and how the hug starts, etc.. The first person we see yang actually hug first post-fall is technically ruby- but this isn't post-trauma yang. the out-in-the-world, yang. the first person we see her hug once she's getting back on her feet is Weiss.

Now, when you hug someone, you normally give some form of a signal that you're about to hug them. Like a 'hi', or a happy excited sound when you see them, moving slow/steadily towards them, making eye contact or some other way that would indicate a hug or a need to physically embrace that person. Hugging is all about touch and how you approach the person. the focus of this: why are they hugging - the emotional standpoint!

For Weiss to give a surprise embrace directly after a conflict shows how much Weiss trusts still Yang, even after ALL that happened, and how much pain Weiss must have felt being alone and dealing with all she has dealt with, you can see and, thanks to amazingly improved V..A.ing, hear it- the sorrow, the pain. What i noticed, is how much Weiss only knows Yang in her previous mindset. She just trusts yang to accept a hug, no need to send any sort of approachability or slow measure or anything - just immediate need to tightly embrace a person she missed and probably worried over. this is .. a friend who misses another friend, deeply. Pure, unfiltered friendship. this is full on "I was traumatized when I saw you last and grew used to The Team and i’ve been alone seeing all ‘ve seen and i really need to freaking hug you-" she missed Yang. her positivity, her strength - how could she not, with the life she was enduring back in Atlas? not the mention the freakin' crash and the deaths she heard and - this warmth is deeply lacked, certainly.

Now, notice how yang accepts it: surprise. not mainly surprise because- holy cow Weiss hugging?- but it also in general, a surprise - she wasn't expecting a hug in any way, at least not yet given these circumstances; she is also concerned. you see it in her eyebrows, her eyes, her mouth lowered in expression; it's confused, concerned, surprised, and questioning: she doesn't know whether or not to hug back, or how to respond to this due to :

A. The circumstances of being in a hostile moment and just briefly less stress.

B. they had barely talked moments before this, and the conversation yang was just re-engaging in was battle-mode.

Studying yang still; we see her gradually accept the hug after Weiss very emotionally explains the sudden need for this “I missed you so much”. We see yang comprehend this, smile and sink into the hug, fully agreeing on missing her teammate. “I missed you too.”

Now with hugging someone, it is all about intention - what physical signal are we trying to send? this tells our body how to act, so we send a platonic/familial/or romantic signal in our embrace. now, what is the hug we see? this is a Tight hug, protective hug. the hug you give someone when you don't want to lose them or if it felt like you did and you just got them back - it is an emotional hug. There is nothing cold, cut off, or … emotionally distant about it.

what is the difference between platonic hugging and romantic? well, duh. placement! such as arms around the neck, or shoulder, or upper back - this is neutral zones, people; the ones Weiss did.IMPORTANT FACTS, FREEZERBURN SHIPPERS. weiss is giving a deep, wholeheartedly PLATONIC hug! she is sending zero mixed signals. at least, it seems she isn't meaning to. Aside from how incredibly close she is hugging yang in the fact that there is zero space between---i’ll get back to this...

Right, so as for the rwby fandom? I can see people are getting ALL KINDS OF MIXED SIGNALS. Myself included! Where are we getting these mixed signals, you ask? it is all in the visuals, ladies, and jets.

yang hugs in a far more close, intimate way, post-fall, and trauma. she lets her arms and hands drop to the mid back with Weiss slowly, and the hug lasts in long duration. The duration is important to note. In fact, let me note the important fact, in simple terms: Platonic hugs should -supposedly- last about 3 seconds. ( on a personal note this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION for me - i freaking love long arse hugs. Those are the best t.b.h. Like 5/10 seconds, T.Y.V.M. xP) Hold your those, though - there is a reason for this! Like all things, duh . “ A hug lasts about as much time as many other human actions and neurological processes, which supports a hypothesis that we go through life perceiving the present in a series of 3-second windows.”

Friends who are close and endured what they endured is a important factor in the time-length of this hug. The closeness of the hug. this can easily be seen as 2 very close people who endured a lot, whom were not able to see one another, and miss each other. This could easily be friends who went through, perdition and back with no communication at all. I would certainly be this blunt in hugging a friend like this on either POV of yang or weiss - and it be platonic as heck, but because I like to look at things from all angles; we should also look at this in the mixed romantic signals; i’ll be using the basic way of studying physical closeness common in romantic POV.

the simplest way to give the example of this being in a romantic lighting is with old-school male/female roles. (forgive me if this seems judgmental - it’s the only way of relationships in which i’m proficient in understanding and is in no way to say heteronormativity or that lgbt+ follow a male/female type relationship trope; as in “so who’s the guy/girl in the relationship?”. Right, onward; )

So, Here is the way it could also be painted: the basic setup of romantic hugging between a male/female is "a woman will tightly hug and close her arms over the neck, while the male is supporting/lifting the female. Due to the traditional role of the man to support and protect the woman, he holds and supports her while she's clinging on him." in romantic lighting for this... you can see where, if you look at it, it could have this mixed signal. Not only that, but yang is indeed lifting Weiss in the hug in a very supportive manner - though it doesn't help weiss is so short, even In heels.

Let's look at how else mixed signals could be indicated: not only the position in which they hug, but it could be seen in a really personal, intimate way with the hug with other parts of the body placement, such as....the hip placement. normally when you hug friends, extended family, strangers; our hips are NOT placed together, tightly, to one another. That time of closeness in a hug is reserve for those we love/are close too. So this could be a platonic expression that shows us how close as friends and teammates these two are….but then there's the knight summon floating off during the received hug, like a heart melting from a harshness of what she's endured. this gives all kinds of - this is really romantic and loving- kind of vibes. In a platonic scope, this is like the two friends no longer -bearing- the pain and burden of all of what happened and they aren't so… jaded or harsh like they've had to be; they have a friend that cares about the another.

The most neutral way i can put this is these two missed each other, in quotes to be exact - they care about one another, and clearly worried about the other. This is automatically a platonic expression of a very trusting, close friendship. Is it more than that? Right now - no. that isn't canon. It could be hinting, absolutely - but again, this action *confirms* nothing. What we got was a very loving *friendship* reunion that melted my god dang heart. Freezerburn platonic moment or not - this was a much needed moment in the steps to seeing team RWBY back together and it was beautifully done.

I’ll be doing a frame-by-frame analysis for anyone who might want a even more in-depth look at this close moment, if anyone would be interested. If not - i’ll eventually get around to it when i hit the volume 5 episodes.

#rwby #rwby analysis #rwby freezerburn #yang xiao long

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youmightaswell · 6 years ago

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Die!

Lord of the Flies vs. Lord of the Fliers

I have often said that domestic air travel is like Lord of the Flies. But never have I felt that reinforced so much as on my last trip home from Vegas.

My flight was at 12pm so I arrived at McCarren at 8:45am only to be told the flight had been delayed an hour due to weather conditions. I settled in for my 1pm departure figuring I’d catch up on reading and podcasts.

By 12:15pm the gate crew had arrived and announced that the flight was further delayed to 3pm. A collective sigh of annoyance rang out through the Gate D34 area.

By 3:45pm we were seated on an overly hot plane and ready to roll. Or not. Another 30 minutes and the very loquacious pilot -- he said he had been in Vegas for nine days and need to get home NOW, assuring us that no matter what he would not time out -- told us there was a mechanical error and we needed to wait for mechanics to board. Over the next few minutes he explained it was not anything that would impact the safely of the plane, but rather just a signal that he needed to override.

The plane was so hot all I kept thinking of is that I was going to die, like a dog left in a parked car while it’s owner runs into Burger King.

He then announced it was fixed (yay!) but that sadly two of his flight crew stewardesses had now timed out and needed to leave. This meant we needed to deplane and they’d have to find stewardesses to replace the originals.

At the gate we were told that they were flying in two new ones who would arrive at 5:30pm. Groans.

They realized that getting on the plane, getting off the plane and waiting was not the type of bizarro aerobics anyone wanted to do so they send over Quiznos sandwiches, chips and water. (Think: the pig eaten on the beach in Lord...)

We collectively chowed down on our food oblivious to what horror was about to befall us next. Watching the clock tick, counting off minutes until we could board at 5:45pm I tried to calm myself. Boarding time would be soon enough. Relax, breathe...

And then we all got a text from Delta at the same time with a notice the gate agents had not yet gotten: The flight was now delayed till 10:45pm. But how could that be? The stewardesses were confirmed to be arriving at 5:30pm from Los Angeles, the plane was fixed, weather was no longer a concern, the pilot assured us he was flying this plane back to NYC because he, too, needed to get there.

Turns out the next announcement was that the pilot had indeed timed out. Or rather he would at 6pm. It was already 5:20pm. How had they not thought of this? Why had they not let us board and sit on the plane so the minute the attendants arrived at 5:30 we could be on our way and avoid the 6pm cut off?

Everyone started screaming at this point. Many people had already missed once a day connections and had to take taxi and hotel vouchers to try this mess the following day. But the remaining 120 passengers or so were stuck in Limbo.

And we were told our luggage would stay on the original plane, so even if we tried to get another flight on a different carrier that might leave earlier, we would still have to go back to JFK the following day for luggage and anyone who was still trying to make a connection would not have their luggage re-routed.

Obviously if the plane was delayed to 10:45pm the original two stewardesses would then time out and this would be a neverending process.

People lined up to scream. No one knew what was happening. There was utter chaos. Even Quiznos sandwiches wouldn’t fix this debacle.

Finally the flight manager, Marilyn, came out -- a sassy black women with a can-do attitude -- and announced she is a New Yorker and she gets shit done. That if we could very quickly board in 10 minutes and be ready on that plane at 5:45 we could take off before the pilot timed out. One stewardess was going proceed boarding by Zone number in an orderly fashion but that would take far longer than 10 minutes. So Marilyn let people board quickly regardless of Zone. No time to worry about seat assignments, overhead luggage or anything else. Just get on that fucking plane.

By 5:45pm we were seated, belts locked, the two LA stewardesses were all ready and the plane doors closed. We all breathed a sigh of relief.

And then... then we sat. And sat. And sat.

WTF? What was the issue NOW?

Turns out the pilot didn’t get his paperwork approved in time. Ah, the paperwork! Somehow paper is always the real killer. Think Seinfleld and the envelopes. Twice.

So at 7:15pm we had to deplane again. And now we were told the plane is out of service. So our options were to stay overnight at the airport hotel and try to get on a morning plane although the 6am and 10am were all sold out, or try to get on the 11pm to JFK just a few gates away but the caveat was there were only 5 seats, one of which was in First Class.

Don’t know how I did it because I had been seated in the back of the plane but I ended up first at the gate line. I told the agent that I wanted the 11pm to JFK. She said, “Well we’ll see if there are any seats left.” No sense of urgency whatsoever. I, however, had already pulled up the seating chart and knew what seats were available. I told her she would be giving me seat 2C. She said she didn’t think she could give away a first class seat to a coach ticket holder. Fuck that shit! I was like well I’m not leaving this line until I have it and there are about 119 people behind me that also want to kill you. She was like well with that attitude I may not help you. WTF?

Needless to say this is where I went from being a starring member of Lord of the Flies and instead turned into Lord of the Fliers.

I ran away to the new gate with my first class ticket before there could be any changes. No backsies is not a phrase Delta understands.

Anyway I sat alone at the new gate with about 3.5 hours to spare. My ears hurt too much to read and I was too anxious to listen to my true crime podcast. I knew that I was in panic mode and about a step away from exploding and starring in a true crime podcast myself.

I visualized getting on that plane in a big comfy seat with actual blankets and pillows and glorious a/c and snacks, popping a Xanax and peacing the fuck out, arriving into JFK more than 12 hours after I was supposed to land. I also said a silent prayer my bag would be there but at this point I didn’t even care about never getting my stuff back again. My bag was loaded with sequins and fringe, so maybe what’s worn in Vegas stays in Vegas.

I began to wonder what happened to all the other passengers. Surely at least four should be at the gate with me, snatching up the remaining seats. I suspected the others were headed to a hotel, but why weren’t those four seats given out -- I still saw them on the Delta.com site.

About 10pm there was an announcement for my original flight: Flight 2371 -- which we had been told was completely canceled, hence my first class replacement. But the announcement said that all passengers for this flight, they got a new plane and crew and it would be departing at 12am. WTF? This plane came back from the dead? The Revenge of Flight 2371 was not something I wanted to be trapped in. Did this mean my ticket for the new flight was now null and void?

I headed all the way back to my original gate and lo and behold all the passengers were still there. Turns out after the attendant dolled out my first class ticket a manager stepped in and said they would not be paying for hotel, food and taxi vouchers for 119 people nor would they be giving out first class tickets. That everyone in that line now needed to sit and wait and were stuck on the original flight no matter how long it took to get a new plane and crew.

I’m so happy I was first in line. I had really been officially moved to the 11pm flight, which boarded early, took off without a hitch and I only recall taking my Xanax, closing my weary eyes and waking up in JFK, my luggage the first down the ramp.

When I turned my phone back on there were a series of texts from Delta about further delays to my original flight. Those poor people were finally in the air but wouldn’t be landing for another three hours.

As I headed to the taxi line I could only equate it with what the boys at the end of the Lord of the Flies felt when they ran on the beach to the naval officer. Ordeal over. Finally saved.

Epilogue: The following day, still traumatized from my experience, I got one final message from Delta, acknowledging how brutal the flight issues and subsequent delays had been. In compensation they sent us all 15,000 miles.

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ffxivash · 6 years ago

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Your Muse’s Backstory Ashliel‘a Vallenya

OOC answers will be Italic Ic answers will be in normal text 1. Where were they born? What is the story behind their birth, if any? Mun: The alpine forests east of Coerthas. His mother Ashliel fled the Raven clan after becoming pregnant. She feared the wrath of the clan and her mother who is still the matron. She secretly was in love with the Clan’s Seer who happened to be a Seeker. Such things were frowned on, especially seeing her birthright was to be the clan’s priestess. Ash : Mismatched eyes look to the interviewer. “In the northern woods, it was just me and my mother for the first bit of my childhood.”

2. Has their living situation changed from when they were born?

Min: Yes, though after the age of 8, his living situation changed dramatically after his mother died. Becoming a Imperial Conscript, meant his tribal ways had to be purged from him. He also received a formal education.

Ash: White ears fell to the side as his eyes looked to the floor. “Yes.. Living in the Empire, even as a conscript, is a huge change. Before that I was happily living as a savage in the filth of the forest. I didn’t know any better. Now things are at least better then they were in the Empire. Living near family, having friends, and having choices.” There was a pause as he changed how he was sitting in the plush chair, leaning forward some. “The little ones like what I’m allowed to ware, personal freedoms are a big thing, once you realize what it’s like not having them.”

3. What occupations did their parents have when they were born? Did this job influence your muse in any form?

Min: His mother was a huntress, seeing she ran away before getting the blessing from the Raven Totem. That ever burning need to hunt and find stronger prey is what eventually lead to her long painful agonizing death. Ash was there for her as much as the seven year old could be, but he had no real medical knowledge to really help. Tribal remedies could only go so far. Even before he witnessing her death, Ash made some choices. One was to become a pescatarian, the second was to never follow in her footsteps Ash: “My mother was a savage tribal Huntress, it in the end that is why she died. I’m well beyond that, and I’ve no interest in harming animals for food or sport.” There was a clear tone of disdain in his voice, though Ash’s eyes still kept to the floor.

4. Did they have any childhood enemies? Any friends? Enemies that became friends? Mun: When he lived with his mother, it was only them and the woods. After he was found and conscripted, he was isolated and re-educated. Not wanting his savage ways to infect anyone else. When he was in his late teen years, his purpose was exposed to him. That purpose made him very unpopular with in the castrums his handler brought him to.

Ash: “No. it was just me and my mother.” Pausing Ash took a moment to consider as his gaze went to the interviewer once again. “After that, it was just me and my tech. No, I haven’t really made many friends, or rivals.”

5. What sort of religion was practiced in their home? Did religion play a role in their upbringing?

Mun: His mother was in line to become the next clan priestess. The belief in the gods and Menphina especially, as the Moon Mother of all Keeper Miqo'te. It did, but not in a good way. The Empire sees Gods as something the Savages cling to and use to make Eikons. The re-education Ash went through was mentally traumatic, and one of the things that turned good memories he had of his mother into painful lies. Ash: “Most Eorzans believe in the gods, my mother was no different.” Shaking his head with a small smirk, like Ash was talking about how the Easter bunny is just a made up to sell chocolate. “I no longer believe in them.”

6. How many siblings did they have? What was their relationship like? Were they an only child who wished for siblings?

Mun: None, it was hard to write such a backstory for one Muse. I was not about to put a second through this tragic backstory.

Ash: “I was an only child. I personally never really thought about siblings, I suppose I didn’t have any other children around to even know it was a thing.” Ash shrugged, “By the time my mother died, we never really had the talk about chocobo’s and the bees.” 7. What is their fondest memory? Their worst?

Mun: His childhood has some wonderful memories, not all of them were corrupted or destroyed by the Empire. The best memory he has, not including recent events, is trying to teach his mother how to fish.

As for worse, Ash was forced to do things for the Empire that he will never speak about. He has witnessed things that no one should ever see.

Ash: “After I sworn off meat from animals, I tried to show my Mother how to fish. I was never really taught how, but as a clever child, I fashioned some netting from plant fibers. I didn’t learn there was a tool for that till I was in Eorzea.” Ash’s gaze hardened, and featured darkened as he remembered some of his worst memories. “As for worst, how about I save you the nightmares and keep that to myself. No you don’t have to thank me.”

8. If they could name the worst moment of their life, what would it be? Did this change them as a person or change how they perceived the world, themselves, and others? Mun: Well I would say it would be The Allagan Experimental Weapons Project. Yes, this changed him, the events of it and his initial refusal to follow orders. He realized freedom was not something he would ever achieve. He accepted he was a slave, and a monster for his heinous acts. He will not talk about what he did openly, only to those who he believes needs to know.

Ash: “I was sixteen.” Ash’s white ears flicked back seeing the interviewer had to push the topic. “The Empire had plans for me, those plans, made up the worst moment in my life.” Pain showed in his eyes, and regret. “Yes, it changed me, made me a much colder person, numb to the consequences of my actions. Even though I didn’t have a choice, I feel it has somehow...” There was a pause as he looked down. “...corrupted me. I don’t talk about it unless I feel I have no other choice. I know people will start seeing that as who I am.”

9. If they were to make a timeline with their life events, which ones would they list? Which would they leave out?

Mun: His first and only hunt, his mother’s injury and eventual death, being found by the Empire, the aforementioned worst moment in his life, the day his Father died, the day he escaped the Empire during an attack on Castrum Abania, Aunt Talrhin summoning a void-sent in to his hideout, going to the Scarlet Bloom Inn, meeting his niece, and meeting Lucerna.

He would leave out much that has to do with the artificial Allagan echo, exactly what was done to him by the Empire, things he did for the Empire, the Re-education process, and his first murder.

Ash: “Timeline of events? You’re writing a book aren't you? My first hunt, My mother’s death, being conscripted, escaping the Empire, arriving at The Scarlet Bloom, and trying to understand what it feels like to be in love.” Shaking his head as Ash rubs one of his temples lightly. “I’d leave out a lot of things, as you’ve figured there are things I don’t really want to remember or talk about.”

10. What was the hardest lesson they had to learn as they got older?

Mun: I’d say the hardest lesson was accepting he was a slave.

Ash: “Accepting my purpose within the Empire.” Ash glanced back at the interviewer. “The Empire had a significant impact on my life.”

11. What occupation did your character want to have growing up? Is this the same as what they wish to be, or are in, now?

Mun: He had a lot of dream of what he wanted to be when he was still with his mother. Fisher, taking care of animals, just being a Keeper and exploring the world. No, he didn’t even know about any sort of Tech, or even his own affinity for magic. Now he wishes to learn all there is to know about Allagan tech, find a way to help people with it. Ash: “Growing up?” Pausing for a moment thinking back. “I just wanted to be a savage just like my mother was. Tech wasn’t even a word in my mother’s language. I truly feel I’m destined to work on Allagan tech, my innate abilities should not be wasted. I plan to use it in some way, hopefully to make someone's life better.”

12. Did they face any kind of bullying or abuse growing up?

Mun: Not till he arrived in the Empire. Now I know some Imperial writers out there may try to brush off the brutality of the Empire. In the game there is plenty of lore bits to paint me a pretty straight up picture of who the Empire is. The extend of the abuse, Ash had to endure in the Empire. Is with in my head the same lines as the Re-education I’ve seen in history books done to people in Germany. Even to some extent in Russia with in the last 50 years. Ash: “Yes...” Leaning to the side as his arm rested on the chair, it was clear that was all he was going to say.

13. Are there any moments of their past they keep secret?

Mun: Yes.

Ash: “Yes.” Ash then just stared at the interviewer waiting for the next inquiry.

14. Did they live near extended family in the past? How did this shape their environment? Are any of their relatives near their age? What are their feelings towards extended family in general? Mun: No he only had his mother growing up. He has since met his Aunt Talrhin, and he was not impressed. She however has her own story on how she became such a twisted corrupted person. He has recently met his niece, Akyhi Tyme. His feeling on his extended family is tainted by the Empire, however he does want to know more about her. Ash: “I only recently learned that I had an extended family. I have no interest in meeting the Raven clan, my mother saw it fit to run away from them.” This question didn’t seem to bother him like the ones before, he looked much more relaxed. “Akyhi isn’t around my age, she is younger by a decade, and still has a lot of the clan’s savage ways.”

15. Would they rather go back and relive their childhood? Why or why not?

Mun: Yes and no. While he does treasure many of the memories he had with his mother, he knows with the good memories comes the bad ones. Can he change things? Can he bring his knowledge of medicine and save her life? Ash: “No, it’s painful to think about my childhood, even the good times with my Mother. She suffered for three months...” He rolled his eyes and corrected himself. “...I mean Moons.” Feeling the need to explain he lowered his voice some in regret. “I don’t know if I’ll ever will get past the Imperial words for the passing of time.” With that out of the way he went back to the question at hand. “My memories and my feelings of my childhood, have been corrupted by my time with the Empire.”

Source:blackcreatiives

#ash #Ashliel’a Vallenya #scarlet bloom #ffxiv rp #ffxiv balmung #FFXIV Screenshots #it may as well be a short story #Oh how we make our muses suffer

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somethingtosayafterabuse · 8 years ago

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Teaching an Old Brain New Thoughts

How the mind works fascinates me. I'm not a scientist, but I've studied quite a bit about it over the years. There are some fascinating new discoveries (that support ancient truths) about the way the brain stores information and how our physical and emotional health are all connected.

Part of my process as I sort through my thoughts and feelings on abuse, is to re-examine all my core beliefs and attitudes that brought me to this point. EMDR therapy is instrumental for me in uncovering and repairing these thoughts. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and it is a process in which the patient recalls a traumatic event and the negative belief about oneself that goes with it. It uses bilateral stimulation, which can be a sound, physical sensation, or a movement the eye follows back forth to ignite both sides of the brain. The process includes a form of exposure therapy to conjure up old traumas and then through the bilateral stimulation, reprogram the negative belief to create a new reality in the brain. It's reverse brainwashing. The process allows you to re-challenge false and limiting beliefs, then replace them with what's true.

As I've been processing my stuff, it amazes me how my brain was able to hide away so many uncomfortable realities about my childhood, then reveal them as I feel more and more safe to bring them into the light. With each layer I pull back, more repressed memories surface. They are things I had known all along, but had pushed so far into the corners of my brain, they surprise me when they pop out. I separated them from my every day reality, and yet there they are, driving so much of my subconscious thinking.

EMDR is difficult work. It's like having a fear of spiders and then deciding to overcome it by living in a garage full of black windows. It's intense. Some days I leave therapy feeling like a zombie for the rest of the day. My brain feels swollen, and maybe it is. It's working really hard to reprogram itself. But I've also seen a lot of encouraging progress. The adage that sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better absolutely applies here. As a result of doing this work, I now feel safe to let these old thoughts and feelings come to surface for the sake of being acknowledged and released. The traumatized, two-year-old version of me is no longer in control of my subconscious. She has been given a new family that nurtures her and protects her. She is paid attention to, but she doesn't have to call the shots, and this is good news for all of us.

I am becoming more and more aware of the difference between what I "should" think, or how I want to think, and how I actually feel. For example, I can tell myself that I am safe and that I have the power to defend myself if someone tries to hurt me, but my body is still trembling and wants to hide. My body still doesn't "know" that it is safe, it's reacting to the past. EMDR is ideal for this. It allows you to go into the root cause of your thoughts and feelings, and how they are stored in the body. Once the primary trauma is healed, it has a ripple effect on the compound effects of trauma over time.

As a person fascinated with brains, I realize that I don't have a lot of time left to do this kind of work. As we age, our brains tend to set up. If I wait until retirement age to deal with my stuff, my brain is going to have a much harder time trying to reprogram itself. Even in middle age, I am finding it a lot more difficult to change the way I think compared to the ways I changed my thoughts in my teens and twenties. However, regardless of age, I believe that it is never too late to make a change. Challenging my core beliefs is hard stuff, but it's not impossible. With each challenge, I am able to reclaim a tiny bit more of who I really am, and who I am meant to be.

#c-ptsd #emdr therapy #emotional abuse #narcissistic abuse #mental health

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exjade · 5 years ago

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From: source

A detransitioned woman recently conducted a survey of detransitioners (Stella, 2016c). Though the survey was only open for two weeks, more than 200 women completed it. Clearly, there are more than just a handful of people who are coming to re-identify as female. The survey results are compelling.

• 92.5% of those who responded said that their dysphoria was the same or better after detransitioning than during transition.

• Only 8% of respondents felt somewhat or completely positive toward their own transition, whereas 60.2% felt somewhat or completely negative toward it.

Following are quotes from the individual comments included by survey respondents:

• “I used transition as self-harm. It destroyed so many parts of my life.”

• “My seeking medical and social transition led to a deep spiral of depression and lack of identity—and was probably also caused by those things. The social ostracization led to increased anxiety and my grades were devastated.”

• “I was a train wreck waiting to happen and transition fed the insecurities, anxiety and hopelessness” (Stella, 2016c).

The following is a quote from detransitioner and blogger Max Robinson, with her permission:

I transitioned FtM (female to male) at 16, was on testosterone and had a double mastectomy by 17.

I absolutely am traumatized by what happened to me, and I'm not the only one. I'm a part of support networks for women who stopped transition that have over 100 members, and that's just the individuals who have gone looking for others with this experience and found us.Early in my transition, I went through menopause. This caused vaginal atrophy and drip incontinence that has persisted for years. I piss myself slowly all day now; it's really not cute or fun. I refused to acknowledge it was connected to the HRT-caused vaginal atrophy that immediately preceded its onset until months after going off testosterone. Yeah, I signed a paper saying I knew that could happen. I also thought this treatment was my only hope for coping with the intense feelings of alienation/disgust with my femaleness. I was wrong. Transition didn't help. It did harm, harm that I now have to learn how to live with on top of all the shit I thought transition would fix.

My double mastectomy was severely traumatizing. I paid a guy, a guy who does this every day for cash, to drug me to sleep and cut away healthy tissue. I did this because I believed it would heal all of the emotional issues I was blaming on my female body. It didn't work. Now I'm still all fucked up and I'm missing body parts, too.

There is no surgery that will undo what's been done… adding synthetic materials to resemble the tissue of mine that was incinerated years ago would not help me. It took 3 years of stuffing down every negative feeling about my mastectomy before I was ready to face that what happened did harm to me. I was off hormones for months before I admitted to myself that I deeply, deeply regretted this surgery. I have lost my breasts and I have lost the chance to reconcile with my breasts. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be work worth doing. Now the work before me instead is reconciling with what I've done and with the chest I have now—flat, scarred, asymmetrical, and nerve-damaged. (Robinson, 2016)

Detransitioner and blogger Cari Stella went on testosterone and had a double mastectomy as a teenager. In a video she made, she lets viewers know that she is not just some statistic. Looking right at the camera, she tells us that “I'm a real live 22-year-old woman with a scarred chest, and a broken voice and a five o'clock shadow because I couldn't face the idea of growing up to be a woman. That is my reality” (Stella, 2016a).

It has been demonstrated that pediatric transition can have serious side effects and comes with the possibility of a high incidence of regret. Now I would like to discuss how social factors and therapeutic practices are playing a role in encouraging young people to transition.

In recent years, young people (tweens and teens) have been presenting with dysphoria “out of the blue” without ever having expressed any gender variance before (https://transgendertrend.com/rapid-onset-gender-dysphoria-research-study/). An announcement of being transgender is often preceded by anxiety, depression, social isolation, loss, or trauma. This now-common presentation was virtually unheard of until a few years ago. The sudden onset of gender dysphoria seems to be correlated with a couple of factors.

One is social media use. On sites such as YouTube, thousands of homemade videos chronicle the gender transitions of teenagers. The Tumblr blog “Fuck Yeah FTMs” features photo after photo of young FtMs celebrating the changes wrought by testosterone. “I finally have freedom!” posters boast under photographs of their scarred chests post mastectomy. “I'm no longer pre-T!” boasts another under a video of someone injecting testosterone. “My name is Cameron! I'm a nineteen-year-old nonbinary/trans person living in Ohio! I'm excited to say that yesterday was my first injection! I am so happy with the person I am becoming.” Almost all of these posters are under 25 years of age.

Young people can find plenty of in-group validation online. There is an incredibly positive climate around being trans in many places on the Internet. On just one of the hundreds of thousands of YouTube videos that document the poster's “top surgery,” there are 48 comments such as:

“Can't believe how far you've come! You are amazing in every way!”

“So proud and happy for you.”

“You are totally rad.”

“By the way, you are totally attractive.”

Young people are also finding validation online for their self-diagnosis as transgender. The blog transgenderreality.com meticulously details the process by which a questioning young person is encouraged to understand his or her symptoms as evidence of being trans. Young people on reddit and other social media sites explain that they started wondering whether they were trans because they enjoyed creating opposite-sex avatars in online games and liked the clothing or hairstyles of the opposite sex. Commentators frequently respond by telling them they sound like a “textbook case” and congratulate them on “finding out early.”

The second correlative factor is having peers who also identify as trans. We are seeing kids coming out together in peer groups. The following quotes are all taken from parent comments on the blog 4thwavenow unless otherwise noted.

We are a progressive family caught in the teenage transgender wave. It's so scary. I can't even put it into words. What we are seeing are pockets of teens in different towns who are declaring themselves either non-binary or transgender. In many cases, these are teens who showed no gender variance at all, and then they get connected with a group in their high school, and suddenly a large percentage of them are identifying this way. The information they find on the Internet convinces them that physical transitioning via hormones and surgery is not only the only way to go but should also be available to them right now, as soon as they want it. I am very concerned that the medical community is not looking at the sheer number of teens, post-puberty, who are making these kinds of declarations and asking whether this can be genuine or a temporary stop on the process of figuring out one's identity as a teenager. Peer influence is just so huge in these kids. As soon as they turn 18, they are seeking medical intervention, and the model now is informed consent, so we have lots of teenagers and young adults making permanent changes to their bodies when their brains have not yet reached adulthood. Very, very scary.

In my daughter's extra-curricular activity, one of the groups has about 20 kids in it (all teenagers). Seven of those kids are natal females. THREE of those seven females are publicly out as FTM. This does not include my daughter, who has never come out publicly. So four of seven girls have some issue with gender identity. Of the three girls who have socially transitioned, one is on testosterone and has had surgery. All are under 18. All of them made this discovery after puberty.

My daughter befriended some trans kids from her acting troupe. When you look at this group, each year they are something different. There are kids who, upon joining, are just “allies,” the next year they are bisexual, the next year they are gay, and then the final year, they are trans. And at every step of the way, they are being applauded and receiving so much positive support from themselves, each other, the group, the grownups, and the audiences they address (I call this the “echo chamber”). But it's fishy. Why are there so many kids who, the more they hang out, all of a sudden, they are trans too? It doesn't make sense.

My daughter, who is 17, told me last year on Mother's Day that she was now my son. When I began researching this subject, I was extremely concerned with the medical intervention that takes place with these children. Then when I went to a meeting for parents with transgender children, I was shocked about how all of these parents were jumping on the bandwagon of drugs and surgery without questioning. They even complain about wait times for surgeries! Unfortunately, here in Canada, children as young as 16 can make medical decisions for themselves and parents are not allowed to intervene (and surgeries are free).

My daughter decided she is transgender just as soon as she learned of it as a concept, in her senior year of high school. The previous school year she was dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress. She learned of transgender from a small high school group of friends. The university diversity center director took a group of transgender students to a free gender clinic, where my daughter then returned and received, after a single visit, a prescription for testosterone.I am the mother of a young man in his late 20s who, within the space of just a few months of bingeing on reddit and YouTube transition videos, decided that he was transgender, and is undergoing transition at a frightening speed. Obviously, he is old enough to do whatever he pleases, and all I can do is grieve quietly as I watch him from afar as he destroys his physical and mental health.

In my local high school my daughter is in the marching band. She plays an instrument, but she is friends with many girls in the color guard. There are about 25 members of the color guard this year. All of them are natal female. Last year my daughter told me that almost all of them felt they were lesbian. This year, almost all of them feel they are transgender, agender, or, at the very least, are questioning their gender identities. I've noticed that many of them have similar haircuts and that some of them are binding. Many constantly discuss their gender identities and agonize about “coming out” to their parents. Their lives seem to be focused on this subject 24/7, which has driven away certain non-transgender friends. No adults have stepped into help, even though they are aware of what is happening. (Anonymous, Private correspondence, 2016)

#radical feminism

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