#-he needs to tell her all about it. its all ultimately about the Pure Unfiltered Love. its about a sigh teetering on becoming a sob because

[spotsupstuff]

witness my vision of what a sexual relationship should have for the very base without going nsfw. my pinky yelled at me for this.

[sadoeuphemist]

Brief thoughts on Doki Doki Literature Club. Spoilers to follow, content warnings for suicide, depression, self-harm, etc.

.

Obvious criticism of the game is that the themes of suicide, self-harm, etc, are ultimately trivialized by the fourth wall breaking shenanigans of the ‘this video game is alive and talking to you’ plot. The metanarrative is poorly equipped to deal with such serious topics; their inclusion literally does not make sense (where did these alternate art assets even come from?? Did Monika draw them???). What’s the point of realistically depicting depression when the big reveal is that they aren’t real - they only act like that because a malfunctioning bit of the program set their ‘depression’ stat to max. 

But at its core the story of ddlc is this: the protagonist starts out on a dating sim only to discover that his best friend Sayori has been quietly suffering from depression all her life. He tries to reassure her, and no matter what he does, it is the wrong thing. She kills herself, and her death becomes both unreal and indelible - there is nothing that can undo this. He must live with the guilt for the rest of his life.

That’s it. The End. That’s the entire story. Everything else is non-canonical. Everything else is a corruption of the text. 

---

The true horror of Doki Doki Literature Club is having to read other people’s poetry. Why are they showing this to you? Are they trying to tell you something? Should you be worried? When someone writes ‘I slice the bread, fresh and soft. The racoon becomes excited. / or perhaps I’m merely projecting my emotions on the newly-satisfied animal’, how the fuck are you supposed to respond to that? 

Of course, you know - you suspect - that a line like that is a little too off-kilter not to be relevant, that it’s almost certainly foreshadowing for some horror down the line. But what good does that do anyone? What are you supposed to do, pathologize their poetry? Pretend that every allusion to self-harm demands an intervention? This is Literature Club. Instead, you make fumbling attempts at critique of each other’s work, trying not to overstep anyone’s boundaries, every interaction further complicated by the presupposition that you’re trying to romance these girls (or conversely, that you’re not romantically interested in them at all, sorry). It’s a morass! It’s insoluble. There’s nothing you could have said that would have been correct.

The paradox of art is that it’s supposedly both a pure expression of the self, and yet at the same time an utter contrivance. How can you let out a primal scream while worrying about theme and technique and word choice? We have to believe that there’s this self-awareness or even ironic distance separating an author from their work; that on some level, they don’t mean it. How else to write about suffering or despair or even uncontrollable animal satisfaction? How else to expose ourselves to someone else without them recoiling back?

So, Sayori kills herself. You should have seen it coming (you did! you did see it coming!) but there’s nothing you could have done to save her. You cannot understand what anyone else is going through. No. No. Not even then.

---

Monika is the fantasy of authorial intent. Monika is the fantasy of communication. The meaning is there, right in the text, and it’s talking to you - you, personally! You can interface with it, move past all the contrivances and have it speak frankly to you; you can understand all its needs and motivations, all in there, clear as day. Okay, so maybe the unfiltered perspective of another consciousness is monstrous in its obsessive sociopathic neediness, but at least you can see it as what it is now.

At least it finally makes sense. 

After the game ends, it starts over. You go back to school, back to the literature club, compulsively replaying everything that happened over the past few days. Everything is as it was, except Sayori no longer exists, of course. The poetry is morbid now; you see a brittle dysfunction underlying everything. The world veers out of control and becomes unreal.

Except Monika is there. She explains why everything happened. You can’t fix things - no, this is irrevocable, the chance for that is over; even if you delete Monika her perspective persists and inevitably subsumes everything, this is why Sayori has to die - but at least you can reach in and change the narrative yourself. 

---

The ‘good ending’ of ddlc is that Sayori kills herself again - but this time, you understand why she did it. She was happy. You made her happy, for the time you had together. You were there for her, you were a comfort to her while she was alive; you were there for everyone. That’s why she deletes the game and herself along with it - because it’s the end, it’s all over; she lived as full an existence as she possibly could and there was nothing more to experience.

She really was happy, at the end.

You know that, right?

[lucidpantone]

I know this is a controversial question so i would totally understand if you choose not want to answer, but im curious enough to ask anyway. Can you rank your fav remakes in order? Maybe add a comment about what you most appreciate about each remake (to soften the blow of any sensitive readers). Ofc if you couldnt connect with a remake you might wanna totally leave it out of the ranking...

Disclaimer this is gonna be long asf. So I like all the remakes so this is gonna be hard because of that. I don’t like one remake in its entirety I can find one season in each remake I wasn’t super stoked about and if you’re skamfr I can find 3 seasons hahah. So I am actually gonna do this by fav original 1-4 seasons and original seasons (OG excluded).

Season 1: Eva Skam Espana (Isa SkamNL is a super close 2nd)

I am gonna be frank my least fav season is Eva’s season in the original seasons. I don't dislike the plot its more like I just find the other plots of the other seasons way more interesting. However if I am gonna pick my fav adaptation its gonna be Eva from Espana. Mainly because some remakes take their jonas to far and they don’t know how to balance being inexperienced and immature with just being a plain dick (am looking at you wtfock and Austin). I hate when remakes take it to far and make the couple completely irredeemable. Also Jorge is just the best man. He tries so hard for Eva he tries to make things right and its just timing, immaturity on both parts. Also I love that above all Eva and Jorge are friends. Alongside with Lucas they are just like family and they can push aside their personal issues to be their for one another and I just think thats such a beautiful quality in Jorge and Eva.They both have good souls and I am happy they ended up together but I also feel like if they didn't they would be genuinely be happy for the other if they found someone else and fell in love and thats why I love them so much.

Season 2: Zoe Wtfock (but Nora Skam Espana is a close 2nd)

Here is what I love about Zoe’s season is that we see the pov of not just how Zoe was changing because she was opening herself to love but also how much Senne was changing as well and trying to address some issues he had been ignoring because he wanted to be a better man for Zoenne. For me Zoenne and Norandro are so amazing for this reason. We not only saw the girl processing how love was effecting her development but we got to experience Senne and Alejandro trying to become better men and really transitioning from boyhood to manhood via this self assessment period of themselves. I adore these two couples for this because I am so heavily invested in both the outcome of the girl and the guy. I guess with love stories there is that saying there is two sides to a story and then there is the truth and I feel like the noorhelm storyline has always been about hard truths. About young women challenging their perspectives on feminism, about young women acknowledging when they have been a victim of a crime/emotional abuse and not blaming themselves for it but knowing that they did nothing wrong and were undeserving of the act that took place. Also s2 plays on the concepts of manhood too. How approaching situations through the lens of rage and violence can develop into harmful and even predatory tendencies. Overall these two remakes stand out to me because they really speak to the lesson of how does one define themself in the whirlwind of love and what boundaries do you need to set so you don’t lose yourself in the process. Season 3: IT’S SO HARD PICKING JUST ONE!! (Am going to base this selection entirely off my fav Isak and their narrative arc versus the evak pairing because ultimately this season is about the Isak character not Isak & Even) Matteo Druck

Let me tell you no other Skam character has haunted me as much as Matteo. I think with Matteo his story was just so raw and unfiltered. Here was this boy he was so lonely, isolated, lost and really just didn’t think he was worthy of much. Matteo was approaching life expecting the bare minimum because he in many ways didn’t think he was deserving of much more. Matteo hid himself so deeply in what I refer to as the wall paper of life. Trying to blend in and stay invisible even tho this way of thinking was seriously effecting his mental health. I don't think he realized how far from shore he was before David slammed into his life and drag him out of the grip of the ocean’s current. Matteo was on the verge of drowning he just didn’t know it. And then came David and he just loved Matteo as is and I think a big reason for that is because no one had ever told either boy that they were perfect just as they were until they said it to one another. Both boys were going through life just accepting the bare minimum one because of societal barricades around gender and the other societal stigma concerning asking for help when suffering from mental health issues. In the end they found one another and said fuck it and fuck society as long as we have one another then we’re gonna get through this. However... having said that davenzi is not my fav evak pairing but Matteo is my fav standalone Isak. The prize for fav evak tho would go to Sobbe because I literally can’t picture two more in love people. Man the day Sobbe met I feel like inertia collapsed in on itself in their respective worlds. It really was the case that time stopped and that they were destined to find one another. They are so in love it just radiates off them. Also random note my fav Even is Joana. Hence why choosing an s3 is so hard because I like different components of s3 seasons.

Season 4: Sana Skam Italia

(this is a copy/paste my original why I love Italia s4 rant)

Say what you want about the casting(this is a fair argument) but I am really happy that SKAMIT gave us a love story centered around two muslim individuals and their differing approaches and interpretations of Islam. I think for me its that we are always trying to dilute Sana’s season with this western need to educate non-muslims and though I appreciate that I also want to see a love story that’s purely about the journey of young muslims and the issues they experience themselves and not via a western glazing. The thing that stood out for me in SKAMIT is how many different perspective of how Islam is practiced came to the forefront. Sana’s journey to understand and come to defend queerness. Muslim men (Sana’s brother) being offended because she assumed he was homophobic. Laui being in a healthy relationship as a muslim queer man. Malik openly talking about Islam and his separation from it but still a believer in a greater power(and not because he wants to drink and party). For me this was what the Sana season was suppose to be about putting the muslim experience front and center and unapologetically so.

Original Season: Nora Druck

I mean what a fantastic take on building new and improved squads with more diversity in race, sexual preferences and perspectives. I will say that I also do like the new squad from Skamfr. Its nice to see newgens that am truly excited about getting to know. Like I need to know everything about Ava pronto she is bae. I do have one random surprise about my next fav original season which for me would be Arthur for Skamfr. Honestly if we would have gutted the cheating plot we would have had a really interesting season about a young adult’s life being rocked by disability and trying to find themselves in this new landscape. Similar to Nora in Druck with MI and also the long term effects of experiencing violence in the household in Skamfr but yea so far Druck has been the only one to get a sound original season out and they should be commended for that.

[thirdmagic]

anyway now that i'm finally back on browser and can write long posts, full spoilery thoughts on rise of skywalker

i had a lot of time to think about it and honestly the more i did the more i went from 'i liked and was ok with most of it until the ending' and now the more i actually thought about it the more it progressed to 'actually, i kind of hate it, and there are individual moments that are very good that i love and then the ending ruins that too and now it rings horribly hollow and now i'm just sad and disappointed and also baffled at this whole movie'

first of all, the good part is: REYLO REYLO REYLO REYLO REYLO REYLO REYLO R E Y L O

i admit i had a very embarrassing reaction of pure unfiltered joy when they kissed because it was such a perfect moment, but also, in general? all the bits involving these two were easily the strongest and the most compelling. a lot of other very stupid bad moments tangled in between, but on the whole, when it was just them, their dynamic, their force bond, it was really intense and spicy and so resonant and beautiful all at one. i love them so so so much. their dynamic is SO juicy and good, their fights were amazing and gorgeous and also spicy and intense, and then the bits of palpatine fight where they interact without any words and just look at each other and you can just tell exactly what's going on without them even needing to say anything, the way they smile at each other and the love in their eyes, the tenderness in every motion, the encouragement when they see each other through the force bond in the middle of the ritual and rey just knows.... these moments are some of the best filmmaking in this whole movie.

unfortunately that was also when we got the bizzare exposition dump on her dumb backstory retcon that's very very delicately done so as to still be consistent with tlj and and this brings me to rey palpatine, which, on the one hand, is kind of the only rey heritage theory i'd ever accept and (ironically) the lesser of several evils that the heritage theories are, but also the undoing of what was really, really compelling in tlj about rey nobody and the horrible waste of potential that came from rey being a Nobody McNothing, her search for identity and ultimately accepting that it doesn't actually make her lesser as a human being, the potential that this movie is when she'll face her insecurities and emptiness and accept herself and find and forge her own path.... and also honestly it's dumb. it's really really dumb. if it had been built up to in any way in any of these movies, that would be one thing, and i actually find a lot of rey's struggles really interesting in concept but just awful and messy and forced in execution, and the idea of rey struggling with being good against an evil legacy and her own darkness is really compelling too, but rey doesn't need to be a palpatine or to want revenge on her actually good parents when being abandoned and alone her whole life is a very very good reason for her to have anger and hatred and darkness to struggle with. it also implies that she's evil because her great grandpa who she never met is evil and because genetics as opposed to like....... again, being abandoned and sold by two asshole jerk parents and having to repress the awful trauma of that her whole life and being unable to come to terms with it, which was interesting, and powerful, and very very real, and then it just throws away a really compelling set up for something really boring and bad. and then an ending for her that has no impact or emotional resonance and makes no sense and isn't in the least bit satisfying.

i will say though that i love love LOVE the dark rey fight, it was a vision but in the exact right Symbolic way, i loved rey struggling with her darkness in theory and it was the one and only part that was executed well, it was truly something that felt like it belonged here, it was eerie and intense and good. and unfortunately not properly followed on in any interesting way.

there were a few jokes that i liked and found funny! the way c3po says 'irony, sir' when poe asks him 'why can you not talk when we NEED you to' has me losing my shit, that was great, and also poe lighting the flashlight when rey uses her lightsaber as one was also hilarious. in general there were definitely a few actually purposefully funny moments that i liked.

ben's whole storyline up til the end was the only thing that really felt consistent and on track imo, a few missteps but mostly stayed solid, and I was very happy to get my bendemption. i can't describe how emotional i got at the scene with han and him throwing away his evil red saber and him calling han 'dad', and the force awakens callback-- i don't know why han is back as a ghost or if that's just a symbolic illusion or whatever, i don't care. adam driver is magnificent, and seeing him as ben again, seeing him comfortable with himself, and happy, on the light side, being playful while fighting and messing with the knights of ren because he’s so powerful and confident in his power, was worth everything. if there's one thing this movie really did right is that it made me suddenly realize that i actually love kylo-ben and also made me realize that i was so much more invested in his happiness than i thought, and unfortunately it made me realize this right as the story gave him maybe a few minutes or seconds of real joy and a beautiful sincere happy smile and then killed him off, and that's when i felt my soul being crushed.

look, i don't have tragic endings, okay, i don't hate even bittersweet endings, the purpose of an ending is to be satisfying and wrap up and tie together all the story strands in a way that makes sense for the story. that's not what this was. i would be willing to forgive the fact that the rest of the movie was a big stupid mess if it had just given the whole saga a proper ending, if it had been like umineko episode 8 which is also a big mess but with a perfect, beautiful, satisfying ending for the entire vn. but instead this just ruined everything, and made me feel miserable, hollow, and sad. this specific story, and trilogy, and nine part saga, did not need that kind of ending. we had a tragic and bittersweet ending for the first two, a happy ending to redeem all the misery of the skywalkers would have felt sincere instead of saccharine because you feel that they fought for it. and it would be a good complement to the rest of the movies and the message. instead we have two people who have both been lonely and emotionally isolated their entire lives finding solace and happiness and comfort in each other, finally finding a true connection and someone who understands them, but only getting to be together for all five minutes before the story rips them apart. and for what? what is this trying to say? what is the point? what is the point of doing that to either of them? how does this serve the story? what is the purpose of this? the tragedy and the depressing ending of the prequels is purposeful and intended and is done to make a point, because it's the story of a fall from the very start, by design, by its very premise. the tragedy of umineko is purposeful and done to make a point because it is about how these tragedies happen, and why, and the human behaviors that lead to them. how is it a good ending and how does it serve and complement anything in the rest of the saga to have one tragedy and one happy story with a bittersweet ending be concluded with a hollow pretension of a happy ending where one main character is miserable his entire life and dies when he’s still young after only a taste of the happiness that’s been denied to him, and the other loses her soulmate and is alone and surrounded by people who she herself said don't really know and understand her? taking on the name of a more famous family as if that's the only way she can forge and identity and meaning for herself?

ben's death actually had me so down and so sad i can't even be angry, honestly. the rest of the movie was full of dumb shit, it's like 80% mcguffin chasing with barley any actual character development or any substance and meat to it, rey-finn-poe have no chemistry because they were never supposed to have because they were never meant to be the trio of the movies until oscar isaac convinced jj to let poe live and that messed everything up because the thematic trio of these movies is finn-rey-ben, rose being sidelined because we need to please the racists who are threatened by her existence i guess and her relationship to finn ignored, the absolute waste of all the new characters and the incredibly stupid hux reveal that's also for naught right afterwards, rey's force lightning, the chewie death fakeout, the entire final battle being a big mess, finn not doing anything interesting or meaningful, the general weird bizarre baffling writing and dialogue choices and how it reads and plays out like something completely disconnected from not just the rest of the trilogy but the entire 9 movies and feels like a messy rough draft that a completed screenplay, and the all over the place pacing and everything... i would have accepted this is a weird, entertaining, fun movie if it weren't for the horribly depressing ending that makes what the creators apparently thinks is a happy ending ring terribly hollow and make me unable to find any joy in it. it's just so depressing i don't have the energy to even be fired up about hating it and i sincerely cannot for the life of me understand why it went this way. how is 'if you're miserable your entire life and make bad choices because of it your only way to redeem yourself is to sacrifice your life and have your one chance at happiness taken away from you because you don't deserve to live past your attempts to fix your mistakes and don't get to have a better life for your efforts'? how is that supposed to mesh with the rest of the story? how is that hopeful or uplifting or anything this saga is supposed to be? what even is this movie about other than the old and tried and redone ten million times 'believe in yourself and the friends you made along the way' message that means nothing at this point?

so yeah. thing bad. and i don’t even have the energy to be salty or angry. i’m just sad and disappointed and depressed about it all. and you know, coming from me, i’m very lenient and can find the good in nearly anything and can appreciate a lot of flawed and otherwise messy media for what it tries to do and for the good it does have. i love all the movies in the saga and i’m still a prequel fan. and the fact that i found this to be so disappointing and unsalvageable and tried to be positive about it and failed should tell you something. 

anyway i'm going to go get a warm blanket, some ice cream or other comfort food while i go watch tlj again to cleanse myself and remember what good movies made by people who understand what's important are like, and maybe go watch marriage story and whatever other stuff adam driver is in, and find a way to watch knives out again, and then binge on the most self indulgent reylo fanfic i can find and a lot of fix-its to heal my soul. i'm not going to stop liking or caring about star wars, or this trilogy, which had one very pleasant solid movie and one excellent and fantastic one, and plenty of other good content out there, just because the last movie dropped the ball so hard, but i am going to stew in my sadness and angst about it for a good long while.

[s-o-n-de-r]

Lost love letter - George/Katelynn, 3/7/2014

Five years ago, while I was attending Florida Gulf Coast University, I was walking to class and noticed a piece of paper lying on the ground and picked it up to throw in the trash. 

I took a look at it and realized it was a love letter from one named Katelynn written to a man named George. My immediate instinct after reading it was wondering if it ever actually made it to George. If it was meant to be hand delivered, it’s possible Katelynn lost it on its way. Or, perhaps, it was sent in the mail, George received it, but it fell out of his backpack or he lost it in any number of possible ways.

Anyway, I took some photos of it and sat on it forever, intending to transcribe it someday to post, in the (perhaps naïve) hope that, if it was never received, that George would be able to read it. I would look at it from time to time and dwell on the fact I was offered such a personal and intimate look into someone’s life by pure, freak accident. There’s a part of me that wonders if putting it up is a little voyeuristic – after all, these two didn’t welcome me into their life. Yet, in an era of swiping and impersonal interpersonal relationships (especially in college), an honest-to-god handwritten love note is an endearing reminder of actual passion and love. It’s been five years. Who knows what happened to these people since this was written? Without any context beyond what’s in the letter, it’s all just guess work.

Ultimately, finding this when sonder was still in its infancy feels like the universe leaving me a bread crumb. After all, this is exactly what sonder is about – the realization that everyone around you is living their own complex lives full of details you’ll never know. Yet, here I was, only two months after launching it, and I was offered an unfiltered glimpse into two random strangers’ lives. It feels fatalistic in a sense, even though I know, logically, it was random chance.

I’m going to post the transcript below, along with the actual photos of the letter. I tried to retain the emphasis and quirks of the handwriting in the transcript, but there’s so much personality lost in plain text, so I suggest looking at the photos first and then reading the transcript.

Finally, I would love nothing more than for this to reach either George or Katelynn. I know it’s a moon shot, but this is social media, so I’d like to think it’s possible.

-Andrew

 ------

3/7/14

 Dear George,

I am at a loss at what to say but I’m in the mood to write a letter to you. Well, I normally am but this time I’ve the paper out and so there’s no going back now because that’s how that works. I wanted to write some quotes I liked from Fahrenheit 451, but they’re not all that uplifting. Also, comparatively I think my handwriting has evolved. Sometimes I write like this but other times I write like this. It really depends. I’m gonna write the quotes anyway.

“I often wonder if God recognizes his own son the way we’ve dressed him up, or is it dressed him down? He’s a regular peppermint stick now, all sugar-crystal and saccharine when he isn’t making veiled references to certain commercial products that every worshipper absolutely needs.”

“The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her. The bad ones rape her and leave her for the flies.”

“Those who don’t build must burn” ** (I really like this one)

There’s one more but it’s way too long to write out. I’ll share it some other time if you’re interested.

On another note, I wanted to tell you that I like you a lot. Like. Sooo much. I like everything about you. Your eyes – they’re a calm color. I think they’re lovely. I like when you smile – like really smile – how it lights up your whole face. I like how you like philosophy and all that deep shit, but at the same time are as goofy (do not like the word goofy but) as anyone else I know. And I like that you are genuine. It’s important to have people in this world that say what they mean and mean what they say, you know. I think you’re awfully cute and sweeter than how my mom takes her tea. (awfully sweet – she puts like 3 whole sugar in it) I like you a lot, boy-o. I feel embarrassed writing something so sappy but I felt compelled to tell you the things. I appreciate you very much and well I’m glad you’re mind + I’m yours.

A song to listen to --> “Ghost of Corporate Future”

reminds me of John

words: “People are just people / They shouldn’t make you nervous”

‘The world is everlasting’

(highlights of above song)

“You are what you love, not who loves you” – Fall Out Boy  

(might cut myself on these edgy lyrics)

Where am I going with this? I don’t have a fucking clue. There is something more I must tell you. Uh I miss you ;-;. Like. Sooooo much. Like 93 whole miss.

Writey letter lalalala

<3 Katelynn

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi: Meat p11 reaction

Is the resolution of the Masterpiece really going to fall in between pages about Jane & Jake's fake date?

Maybe not. Maybe we'll see something from John's perspective first, inside the house juju. Giving himself the retcon powers. Coming to terms about some things. But I suspect he won't be able to contact anyone. At least, it would surprise (and entice!) me if someone contacted him while he's hidden away so remotely in there... Speaking of contact, how did John intend to have read anything inside the juju without his glasses or contacts? You can only spend so much time squinting.

I also wonder what they'll do when they're let out. I mean, they haven't become any better at fighting, and LE has. John won't zap his friends, Vriska and Davepetasprite^2 away to confer in a more secure location, right? Assuming he still has his retcon powers by the end of his stay in the house juju.

---

"That’s that, you think. Your glasses are broken forever, and you totally fucked up and underestimated young Lord English. Rose should have known better than to trust this to you alone." Well, I guess having a mental breakdown is one way to pass the time. I'd rather he had some sort of breakthrough instead, though. As for the glasses... Maybe a non-final death will restore them? Or by ascending to his Ultimate Self god tier. Whatever that'd do to his personality...

"Rose, Rose... your smart, amazing friend Rose, you can almost hear her voice now.

> Listen closer, jackass." ... Ah, so Reload Rose and the others can still talk. Their jails neighbour each other after all - they represent the four blocks of the house - but I didn't think it'd be enough for them to confer. Though, I rather think they're limited in what they can do in here, right? Unless... Unless by being in the house juju, they can influence some things inside the plot, still put some things in place so some time loops are fulfilled and stuff is prepared for bringing down LE!

Pretty sure they're barred, narratively, from performing a jail break, though. :P

Ya know, I've talked about the sentiments behind the narrative prompts before, and I just now realized that the kind of intruisive, inflammable language they use are a throwback to Homestuck's narration, since now that we have this POV-type story, the language there in is more shaped towards the person in question.

"You’ve only realized right now that your cell has walls, because it’s awfully bright in here. It’s so white that nothing in the cell is casting a shadow. Looking around, you realize there is no apparent source to all this bright light, making it hard to tell where the floor ends and the walls begin." Oh, I figured it was dark for him, but yeah, the house is white. Maybe the jail cell looks to each as what their idea of being imprisoned in a house-shaped object should be like, and proportions of the space go to match that? Hence why John can't yet tell the floor from the walls, he's got only an inkling of an idea. :P

"JOHN: yeah, i’m here. ROSE: Oh, thank goodness. Everyone’s accounted for then." Hah, John spaced out while the others reconnected. Nice. I'm interested to see what ideas Rose will bring to the table.

So it all comes back to four kids, standing idly in separate rooms, huh. :P

"Are you okay? JOHN: what? ROSE: Are you OKAY?" Okay, either the walls muffle the sound of John is like "this situation does not warrant the use of the word 'okay', rose. 'okay' is definitely not how i would describe us being right now."

"JOHN: i think so. i can barely hear you though.

You can hear a thud from Rose’s corner, like someone slumping against the wall in relief. Well, that’s what you’re doing at least." That's pretty much all she needed to hear right now.

"DAVE: this is kinda dorky to say out loud but i dont DAVE: feel... time" ... They're cut off from all their aspects now, are they? That'd just make them ordinary people. :/ Or maybe it's in reference to time outside of the juju passing way faster, relatively.

"DAVE: thats not just me right you guys feel it too DAVE: or dont JADE: yeah JADE: i mean theres obviously space inside this box but i cant do ANYTHING JADE: its like im blind" ... Okay, so I'm left to wonder. Would the egg sword and Jade's First Guardian powers still be usable? I'm assuming Dave had it out, so even if their sylladexes are inaccessible they might be able to do something.

"The noise outside the juju grows. Something sharp and metallic splinters above and rains down on the top of the chest." That isn't something to do with the pirate party finding the chest in the dreambubbles... So then, what? Did the B2 kids do something with the chest after exiling (excorcising? ... INcorcising?) Caliborn into Lil Cal?

Blaperile has a good point. Do all the soul splices inside Lil Cal experience this in the same way? ... Do all the soul splices in LORD ENGLISH experience this in the same way?? In the sense that the mobster is just a prison they can't escape or influence?

"ROSE: What did my future self say it was we had to do? JOHN: erm... she never rea—" Oh this is going to be so embarrassing.

"The metallic noises rain down harder, drowning out Rose’s attempt at being loud." ... It's that the noises are metallic, otherwise I was almost beginning to think it was more like the white noise. And that would have made me think of the Scratch. That would sure be something though, if the B2 kids initiated a Scratch of Caliborn's session. Actually, what if that was how Alternate Calliope's timeline came to be...

"JOHN: NOW I CAN’T HEAR YOU! JADE: TRY USING LESS WORDS

The length of the silence coming from Rose’s corner communicates just how difficult a task that is for her." Pfffffffff. Incoming character development for Rose: being concise.

"JADE: WHAT????? JOHN: I KNOW IT’S ALL A BIT ABSTRACT, BUT... JADE: NO, I JUST CAN’T HEAR YOU! DAVE: JOHN YOU SUCK AT YELLING JOHN: UGH!" Pfffff, I thought John would be better at yelling coherently, being Karkat's counterpole. ... Blaperile points out the similarity with Karkat sucking at whispering. XD

"Now you understand defeating young Lord English was never supposed to happen. Not the way Adult Rose was implying it would. You surmise the other four teens remaining outside the juju were the ones meant to be tasked with his defeat." It just sucks that John has to come to these admittedly wrong decisions by himself and couldn't have been given more information to work with.

"And judging from the cacophony still emanating from beyond the walls of this house and its confining chest, they are taking the task seriously." Okay, so the B2 kids' fight is still going on. Still unsure what the metal sounds could be about though. Aside from Dirk hacking at the chest with his unbreakable katana.

"But what does this mean for the four of you?" John, don't lose hope, you said it yourself, you'll be unloaded... some time.

"You try to picture what’s going on in the battle outside, but it’s not easy.

> Use your imagination." Of course, the house juju's powers run on imagination! :P No, wait, he's just going to give us his idea of the proceedings of the rest of the Masterpiece. Sadly, he doesn't have any clay at hand. :P

"The coolness of the action in your mind’s eye is belied by the actual sound effects booming all around you, which you can only describe as vaguely stupid." Welp, guess the bar of wedgies is still being cleared only marginally.

"There’s a lot of hysterical screaming, which, if you’re not mistaken, is coming exclusively from the male combatants. ... Well, Dirk IS living and breathing anime. :P

"Almost as if an outrageous bubble of pure Hope were enveloping the stage, is how you would describe it if you didn’t mind sounding ridiculous." Hah, John still doesn't believe in the application of Hope.

"Then you hear... it can’t be. Horses?? No, not simple horses of flesh and bone. These horses are metal, if we’re to believe they’re horses at all." Oh! Right, Arquiusprite summoned those Metalhoofs. Well, that's what I picture they were, Caliborn represented them with metal horse figures... But perhaps he even created robo-centaur butlers and the like. *shivers*

"You figure no one will ever truly know what’s happening out there. You doubt anyone would even be able to handle how incredible the raw, unfiltered account of this teen brawl actually was, so it’s probably for the best." Welp, and we were doing so well just now. :P Eh, it seems the battle unfolded pretty much exactly as foretold, only with some of the more stupid details removed, curtousy of Caliborn's impatience with stupidity. Which in this case might not have been entirely bad. :P

"you overhear Dave from one of the rooms below you, raising his voice to speak to either you or someone else." Right, they are not all on the same level, since it's a house-shaped prison. Uh, but wasn't Dave supposed to be in the part of the house with the extra window? It's been too long, I probably misremember. Oh, wait, yeah, they went through the fourth wall via one of the bottom panes, and it stood for Dave. Never mind.

"Once more you ruefully reflect on these teen versions of your friends, and all the questions they must have for you. For each other. What would you even say to them?" The responsibilities of an adult, John never expected they'd be this hard. He must be growing more appreciative of what his Dad went through with him without even knowing it.

"You’re not even sure you could handle it, if you were Teen John. You’d have too many follow-up questions, which Adult John is in no way prepared to answer." Still, I wouldn't mind a little one-on-one between Johns. A John-on-John, I suppose. In a serious way, nothing from the animes.

"Would you tell them about Terezi..." Oooh, does he suddenly get an idea, thinking of Terezi? Can't say I think they can do anything to contact her from inside here. Hmm, but earlier, Blaperile thought about what the B2 kids could do with the juju chest, whether they might try to get the others out. That's assuming Caliborn didn't captchalogue the thing, though. Still, it would be something if they could defy what's been foretold and unload the house early, maybe load it with a real surprise for LE.

"For some reason her name feels like nails in your heart. Makes sense, you guess, cause there’s a lot of sharp letters in it. She had sharp teeth too, and sharp elbows. Sharp words." Ahhhh, so we get to see what black romance feels like to John. Looking pretty sharp, apparently. Still, her sharp intellect could've come in handy here. It's a good thing chances are good they'll meet again, I'm sure post-victory Terezi has an important role to play yet.

"Terezi Pyrope was a sharp girl, and maybe what these sharp feelings are trying to tell you is you miss her more than you realized." Well, John has already acknowledged his feelings about Roxy, guess it's time for the other side of the two-headed coin now.

"She wouldn’t have let you neglect relationships with certain friends for so long that you missed whole chapters of their lives. She wouldn’t have put up with you moping around with the salamanders for so long. She would have kicked your ass for being such a loser about everything. She would have poked you in the forehead and called you insufferably lame and told you to pick up the damn phone. You would have called her a weirdo and pretended you hated it, and maybe you would even have believed you hated it. But now, sitting here in this little white cubicle, contemplating your regrets, you don’t think you’d have hated it much at all.

Would you tell the teens that?" Oooh. Very good point, actually. Even if John really only knows that version of Terezi from talking to her on two separate days separate by three years, she had a real impact on him. Granted, they also kept contact on WhatsApp as well in Universe C, but during the session was when their interactions bloomed. It'd probably be a stretch for Meat to end with John retconning the post-victory timeline to include Terezi on Earth, with him, right? After they defeat Lord English first, of course. Oh, right, she was there for two years before leaving... somehow. I kind of forgot. Still, five years would've made a difference in where John ended up by the start of the epilogues.

"JOHN: am i... depressed??" ... Well. Well, as far as growing self-awareness goes, this might be a very big development! Yes, it does seem that John has become listless on Earth C. Mostly it seemed to have to do with the absence of his Dad. But maybe he'll have other ideas about that, like his misfortune in matters romantic.

"as it turns out, you are really fucking depressed. You’re just a giant, wet meat sack of self-involved misery, and all that big, wet, meaty ooze drips out your mouth every time you open it. All the time and space in the world isn’t making it better. It’s something you should have been doing for yourself, instead of waiting around for things to get better." Wow, John. I suppose things will get a little harder for him, now that he's realized this about himself, but I hope he'll find a way soon out of this mess. And so, that's what he's been doing on Earth C, just waiting for things to get better. And no-one picked up on it, not even the other people close to him that bordered on depression before? Like Jade? He really alienated himself...

"Well, screw waiting! It’s boring as hell! You are JOHN EGBERT, after all, immortal CREATOR OF WORLDS, the one and only man ever to completely transcend the partitions of CANON ITSELF. You’ve got these powers, remember?" Well THAT's a sudden surge of RESOLVE if I've ever seen one!

"You hold up your hands and form a rectangle with your fingers and reach outside yourself, outside canon, to the place your retcon powers come from. You focus. You strain. You contemplate with all your might a place you can zap to, any place but here." There's no place like home, there's no place like home! :p Kind of wondering if he'll succeed though. He might be cut off from his powers. But if not, canon is his oyster.

"You wait. And wait. And wait and...

Nothing happens.

You slump back down against the wall" Welp! He tried.

"JOHN: THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HERE... JOHN: IS FOR US TO WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO LET US OUT. JOHN: SORRY GUYS. ROSE: OH." Anyone up for a game of "I see I see what you can't see"?

"JOHN: ALSO... JOHN: I THINK I MIGHT HAVE DEPRESSION?" Well, at least they won't have a lack of stuff to be talking, sorry, yelling about. Rose might be partially delighted to pick at the brains of an adult John, in fact.

[atrocitycl]

UP10TION - “White Night” Review

(Music Video—Dance Version)

UP10TION – White Night

Reviewed on January 2, 2017

I will first go over why I am not personally a fan of the song. Afterwards, however, through showcasing to readers an application of “active listening,” I will then argue the main point of the review despite personal biases: that “White Night” is an incredibly solid song due to how well it manages and balances the song’s higher intensity.

Personal Message: Edit: This review was supposed to be posted on December 31. Unfortunately, while the review itself was finished by then, it was not entirely ready to be published and thus I delayed it to the start of 2017.

If not clear, I truly am a master of lip-servicing—and thus should be hired by a label company to handle “dating scandals” their idols go through—since I am once again changing plans with reviews despite saying how I would not. SHINee’s “1 of 1” is facing yet again another delay, but considering how I plan to review two songs in just one day today, I will  probably finally review it after the current one. For now, however, we will be focusing on the men of UP10TION—and of whom, from my understanding, are tackling a tougher “bad boy” concept for their recent song of “White Night” versus their prior “innocent boy” concepts. (I could be entirely wrong, though; I am not too familiar with the group’s previous songs except for Sunyoul’s collaboration with GFriend’s Yuju for their duo song of “Cherish.”)

To now address why I have opted to review “White Night” by UP10TION, I find that this review will be very musically insightful: this is a review that, I hope, will show how one can separate their music bias and preferences from a more critical, “objectively subjective” perspective. In other words, despite personally not being a fan of the song, once I apply active listening to it and am truly critical of the composition, I will actually argue “White Night” is a very promising song even if I personally do not like its style. Of course, though, it should still be clearly noted that music will always be subjective—hence why I say “objectively subjective.” However even so, while reviewing music is all subjective, we can at least try to be objective through the use of evidence and thoughtfulness and thus music reviews are still important in the sense of respecting the works of the artists, composers, and producers.

And so focusing now on the actual review, while my stance towards the song aligns with that of many fans—that “White Night” is an impressive song—I will take a slightly different route with this review than the usual of merely agreeing. I will first go over why I am not personally a fan of the song. Afterwards, however, through showcasing to readers an application of “active listening,” I will then argue the main point of the review despite personal biases: that “White Night” is an incredibly solid song due to how well it manages and balances the song’s higher intensity.

_______________________________________________________

Song Score: 7/10 (7.00/10 raw score) - “Above average”

- Vocals: 7/10

- Sections: 7/10 (6.86/10 raw score)

Introduction, Verse, Pre-Chorus, Chorus, Post-Chorus, Pre-Chorus, Chorus, Bridge, Chorus, Conclusion

1.     Introduction: 7/10

2.     Verse: 6/10

3.     Pre-Chorus: 7/10

4.     Chorus: 7/10

5.     Post-Chorus: 7/10

6.     Bridge: 7/10

7.     Conclusion: 7/10

- Instrumental: 7/10

- Lyrics: 7/10

Ayo UP10TION Let me hear this: Pay attention Burning out burning out burning out Burning out burning out burning out

You make a fire in my heart Time stops and flows at your beauty All of my nerves are standing on edge My eyes are filled with you I’m pouring hot oil into them so I can burn with you

(Dizzy) You’re burning me up until the end I’m confident, I’m giving it my all (No fear) like there’s no tomorrow Don’t look back, walk over to me It’s already over for me, baby Without you it’s over, baby I’m telling you my feelings that I couldn’t before I’ll erase all your doubts

It’s burning white I have nothing I threw everything away Only thing remaining is you (You’re my last) It’s burning black Nothing remaining I threw everything away Don’t try to stop this heart

Can’t stop, please don't Don’t make me sad anymore Don’t stop me now Because I’m going to run to you now When I get close, hold out your hand When I reach your heart, don’t reject me Every time, I’m pulling I try to catch you Who can steal you away from me? I will have you

(It’s not easy) If this is love I won’t dream about anything else but you (It won’t cool down) In this world filled with lies Save me with your light, baby Don’t say anything, baby Just come to me, baby Even if everything is over, I’m still burning My heart has fallen for you

It’s burning white I have nothing I threw everything away Only thing remaining is you (You’re my last) It’s burning black Nothing remaining I threw everything away Don’t try to stop this heart

My desperate heart is not complete It’s about to collapse like Jenga Damn it, is loving her a sin? I admit it, you won You captivated all of me My burning heart is yours

It’s burning white (Oh) I have nothing I threw everything away Only thing remaining is you (You’re my last) Don’t go (oh) until the end (oh) I’m burning out Because it’s you in the end Don’t try to stop this heart

[Conclusion instrumental]

_______________________________________________________

Analysis: Before beginning the review, I will leave my own surprised remarks: I am very pleased with the ratings. It has been a very long time since I have rated a song as above average, but indeed “White Night” is held at that standard.

Onto the review itself, to discuss why I personally am not necessarily a fan of the song, I find it to be excessive in a myriad of places. From the pacing, vocals, and instrumental, “White Night” comes off as far too exciting and intense for my own preferences. That said, while excessiveness can indeed be a flaw in songs, we have to consider more than that: we have to understand the entire context of the song. This brings us to the reminder I wish for readers to bear in mind: that even if a critical listener finds that she dislikes a song due to very reasonable points—perhaps that the vocals are too repetitive, the instrumental fails to reciprocate the same intensity as the vocals and so on—she would need to still look further. Specifically, a critical listener would then ask why such occurs; he would ask, “Why is it that the composers chose to have the instrumental be disconnected from the vocals during the pre-choruses?”

Returning now to why I bring up my own unfiltered musical bias towards “White Night” at all, it is true that my dislikes in the song can be argued critically: that perhaps, indeed, the song is a bit excessive and thus that causes the song to lose appeal in certain aspects. However, in doing so, I forget to question why that is the case and hence why I never review a song off pure biased, uncritical judgment. Once we critically think of the song’s composition are actively listening to the song, I argue we will then find a more thorough, complex conclusion: that the composers knew exactly what they intended with “White Night” ‘s higher intensity: that they would attempt to manage and balance it as much as possible, and upon doing so, the song in whole would benefit in various ways. This, ultimately, is what I argue is the case, so let us take a look at the song itself to see how the song’s supposed “excessiveness” is in fact its strongest element.

First, for something I truly want readers to understand that is incredibly impressive and creative with the composition is to hear how the sections are laid out (or “look” as I do visually write the sections down in a chronological order). Specifically, I wish for readers to realize that there is only one verse in the song and only one post-chorus, and moreover, that after the post-chorus the pre-chorus immediately kicks back in. Now while this may appear to be—at most—unusual, it is more than just a change in traditional structuring of a pop song; I assert that this layout is key to why “White Night” is able to easily maintain its higher intensity.

Before getting more into that, however, it makes sense to first explain how the song itself runs. I will do this in a hastier manner so as to get us to the prior, main argument point. Starting at the introduction, it does a solid job of establishing the song’s more energetic style all while bringing in an appealing instrumental backing. Then, as expected, once the verses arrive the song takes a more passive approach as “White Night” gradually then builds up—and that very buildup occurs in the pre-choruses as the usual. Furthermore, the choruses play out as the song’s climactic point: a very exciting, upbeat, intense section in the song in which both instrumental and vocals are most strenuous and lively. At this point, the post-choruses arrive and now we can resume our earlier conversation on why this matters.

With the single post-chorus, it is a peculiar section as traditionally it should be a verse; in other words, “White Night” should have had a “cycle reset” (as I term it) where the song’s intensity restarts back to where it was at the first verse—a calm, passive state. However, the composers perhaps understood that doing so would lead to my initial, biased claim: that the song is excessive. After all, even if the progression to the song’s most intense, climactic points—such as the choruses—was natural and seamless, the large gap between the song’s starting passive point—such as the verse—to that climactic point would still be too large and awkward. This is why, in many cases, songs that become very intense only do so in a linear manner: think of many ballad songs for example. Many ballad songs’ concluding portions can be quite dramatic and intense with note holds, two-part singing, full-on instrumentations and the like, but as is the case in many ballads, a majority of them are constantly rising in their intensity; there is seldom an actual “restart” where the ballads go back to their very beginning of a slower start. In many pop songs, though, there is oftentimes a recycling: after a climactic point, the song then starts again at their passive, calmer start—though unlike ballads, that initial starting point tends to still be relatively energetic.

Hopefully readers understand this concept and I do apologize for poorly articulating it. Point is, “White Night”—if it had adopted a more standard pop song composition—would have been appropriately and reasonably called “excessive” because its starting verses would have been too drastic of a shift to its more intense, climactic choruses—this translating, then, onto how the vocals and instrumental are executed. However, as we can hear (and “see”), “White Night” does not use a second verse but instead a post-chorus. This post-chorus, as a result, serves as a creative solution: this section maintains the choruses’ intense state and only partially decreases it but predominantly focuses on just shifting that intensity over. And considering how the pre-choruses occur right after the post-chorus—pre-choruses being sections that are building up that very intensity for the choruses—it becomes both a natural transition point but also a perfect bridge to manage the song’s higher intensity and energy without having to awkwardly “recycle” the song as it would have done if it were following a traditional pop music format. Overall, while what I argued may be quite confusing, in short I simply had explained why the single post-chorus in the song is of such momentous value. It is not there for the sake of just being there; the post-chorus section is placed and composed particularly to keep the song in its appropriate, fitting flow and because of this, every other category benefits.

For example with the vocals, while the usual desirable traits exist—diversity in style and pacing, complex tune control via beltings and note holds, and so on—I would argue the song’s structuring is to be credited for such (though, obviously, praise towards the men as well for their adept singing skills). The more intense, upbeat moments showcase equally strenuous vocals—this we can hear during the choruses and especially towards the ending. However of course, it is not just the fact that the vocals are strenuous that I give a high rating—nor is it because the vocals are simply diverse in terms of also depicting moments of more controlled, passive singing such as the verse and post-chorus; what I find most impressive of the vocals is how it all binds together. To explain what I mean, if we focus on the vocals as the sections change, throughout it all the vocals never have any drastic shifts but instead are always within an appropriate transition. The post-chorus, once again, is a perfect example: the vocals here are not shifted back to an abrupt, calmer state but instead carry on the prior chorus’ exciting, powerful vocals but manipulated in a manner so that it is slightly more contained. Even the instrumental follow suit with the song’s overarching structuring.

In summary, “White Night” is rendered at above average based on my ratings but that appears to be rightfully deserved. The song’s main strength is how cohesive and maintained it is despite how intense and energetic it becomes throughout. Through that very organized composition, everything else—the vocals and instrumental—are able to follow through and not collapse due to messiness and lack of control. Again, even if I personally do not necessarily enjoy the song as I find it too intense, from a critical perspective I argue we will still find that “White Night” is in fact actually a very solid song and was composed quite thoroughly so as to counteract the usual problems with having a song be this upbeat and powerful.

_______________________________________________________

I am now posting this review on January 2—much later than intended. Because of this, I will be aiming for eight reviews for this month but that should be doable considering I have two weeks of break left. More male artists will be coming out, and in fact, though I have yet to officially reply a reader left many requests that I will promptly be working on. Also, I very much plan to review AOA’s recent comeback so for AOA fans, do look forward to their review.

With this being a new year, I hope readers have a healthy and joyful year. As for this blog’s goal, I will attempt to be more dedicated and to put out more reviews and to continually improve my analyses along with my writing. Thank you to all for reading this review in full or skim. With 2017, “I’m giving it my all” so look forward to many reviews to come.

[parentingguide8-blog]

2018’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Year!!

New Post has been published on https://parentinguideto.com/trending/2018s-funniest-parenting-tweets-of-the-year/

2018’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Year!!

All year long we’ve been rounding up our favorite tweets of the week from some of the funniest moms and dads on Twitter! As 2018 comes to an end, we hope you will enjoy our choices for the funniest parenting tweets of the year!! Thanks for reading and have an amazing 2019!!!

For more Twitter fun, don’t forget to join us over at @LifeofDadShow!

Sometimes my kids complain about something I tell them to do and I say “hey man, I don’t make the rules!” and then I walk away laughing under my breath because I DO make the rules.

— Brandon Andrina (@proathomedad) March 11, 2018

Sometimes as a parent there are those moments of pure joy & excitement, like when you arrive at a kids’ birthday party & the host says parents don’t have to stay.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 10, 2018

Me pretending that’s not my kid in public pic.twitter.com/iVgBEASlWk

— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 8, 2018

How to put on shoes like a 5-year-old:

1) Put on one shoe.

2) Ponder the mysteries of the universe.

3) What shoes?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2018

Kids today will never know the struggle of having to go around the house and change every little clock. #DaylightSavings

— Matthew Kabel (@MattKabel) March 11, 2018

Me: Let’s watch the old Mario Bros show on Netflix from when I was a kid!

Daughter: Why is it blurry?

Me: All of the shows used to be blurry.

Daughter: Why is it square?

Me: TV’s used to be square.

Daughter: Why isn’t it funny or good?

Me: YOU MADE ME WATCH CAILLOU!!

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) March 23, 2018

Me after seeing a group of 30 something year old guys gathered to play Pokemon GO: “What a bunch of nerds”

Also me after picking up my son from school today: “CAN YOU TEACH ME TO PLAY FORTNITE RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?

— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) March 19, 2018

My daughter thinks it’s hilarious when I accidentally get her math questions wrong but the joke’s on her because it’s not an accident and she’s on her own for homework for 10 more years.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 19, 2018

My style of parenting can best be described as ‘Max and Ruby’s parents.’

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) March 24, 2018

My kid just fed me what she said was a raisin. It wasn’t a raisin.

Never, I repeat never, eat anything your kid feeds you without double checking.

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) August 10, 2018

The first time I realized my kids are spoiled was when they started complaining about not being able to skip commercials at a hotel.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 6, 2018

My mom: wow it’s so nice of Jeff to watch your kids for the next few days while you’re gone

Me: yes, he is very excited to continue to be a father

— sleepy mom (@lauratnelson) August 10, 2018

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 13, 2018

My toddler just looked me straight in the eyes and whispered “I’m NOT crazy.” Which sounds exactly like something a crazy person would do.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 19, 2018

Mom: [carries in womb for 10 months, breastfeeds another 12 months, quits job to stay at home and raise our daughter]

Me: [does the going downstairs behind the couch gag]

Daughter: Daddy’s my best friend!

— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) May 15, 2018

My 8yo can’t play video games today, but instead of doing something productive, he’s having his brother loudly narrate his game from the next room.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 12, 2018

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 10, 2018

Me “Go play outside.”

Kids “Ugh it’s too hot!!”

Me “Go!”

Kids “Will you play with us?!”

Me “Outside? No way! It’s way too hot.”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) May 8, 2018

2yo: “mommy I did it!”

Me: “that’s awesome, buddy I knew you could do it!”

(I have no idea what he did)

— Melissa (@Fiveoclockmommy) May 10, 2018

My kids made me Mother’s Day cards covered in glitter, which is like the opposite of saying I love you.

— Ashnog (@adult_mom) May 14, 2017

My 5yo son just slept-walked into the kitchen, pulled down his pants and peed all over the kitchen table. Glad to hear you are pregnant with your first though.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 4, 2018

My nephews thought my not giving them Easter baskets was an April Fool’s joke, but really it’s because they’re older now.

Aging, the ultimate prank.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 1, 2018

(both kids screaming from the living room) MONSTERS DON’T SPAWN IN THIS AREA! WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED A TORCH! IF I DIE BECAUSE OF YOU I’M GONNA – JUST DIG AND HIDE! WHERE IS YOUR BASE?

It’s too early for this

— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) April 20, 2018

The kids have been away for a few days and I just found a pair of inside-out pants with underwear still stuck to them in my 5yo’s room and clutched it to my chest like an ex’s hoodie.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 7, 2018

My son asked what sides we were having with dinner like we haven’t had mac & cheese and microwaved green beans with every meal since he was born.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) July 17, 2018

https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/1018920271011557377 https://twitter.com/eff_yeah_steph/status/1017722655968059392

Me: (limits screen time)

[5 minutes later]

6: (gets a concussion) Me: That’s it! Everyone back on their tablets!

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 10, 2018

https://twitter.com/sarcasticmommy4/status/1015071841809981440

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

— Baron Stigmund (@stiggib3) July 1, 2018

8: “Where’s Dad? I need some help” Me: “I can help you!” 8: “It’s about the TV” Me: 8: Me: “Dad’s upstairs.”

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 26, 2018

“Nope.”

~My two-year old, trying to justify he didn’t draw on the table with a red crayon while HOLDING A RED CRAYON.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 9, 2018

Life hack: If you tell the pizza delivery person “Thanks so much, you’re making our Pajama Day awesome!” when you and your toddler answer the door in pj’s, you transform from the mom who couldn’t get her shit together into the fun mom who hosts theme days.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 5, 2018

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 8, 2018

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) June 3, 2018

Every single conversation I have with my kids pic.twitter.com/osbJEa8E7B

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 1, 2018

After my family finishes dinner. Me: “Anyone want ice cream?” My kids reaction. #LifeofDad pic.twitter.com/N0rZzLJkH7

— DadatWork (@ArtEddy3) August 23, 2018

Damn, looks like I brought the wrong 47 children’s books on our road trip.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 22, 2018

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018

BEFORE HAVING KIDS: “I am NEVER making separate meals for my children”

4 YEARS LATER: “Let me repeat your order: tri-color pasta (al dente) with butter & cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.”

— Bret Turner (@bretjturner) August 15, 2018

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

— The Baron (@baronvonbike) August 17, 2018

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch? Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu- 8yo: I spilled my drink Me: Of course

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 31, 2018

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) September 19, 2018

In case you wondered what having a boy is like. My son just came down from having a shower and smelled no different than before he went in. I asked if he used soap and he responded “not this time” as if that’s even a thing.

— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) September 24, 2018

You’ll know parents by the way they are compelled to point out any and all cows to anyone who happens to be in the car with them.

— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) September 17, 2018

Kid: *3 and a half seconds after calling me the worst mom ever* Can you make me a snack?

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 14, 2018

Nothing like seeing a new dad at Disney World find out a Mickey shaped balloon with a glow stick in it is $35. Welcome to the club buddy.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 16, 2018

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 8, 2018

7AM text from mom. Just a quick seven paragraphs.

— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 31, 2018

“How I wonder what you are?”

You literally JUST said it was a little star. Nursery rhymes are dumb.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 29, 2018

Save a ton of time by never unloading groceries again. Just throw the bags of food directly into a teenager’s open mouth.

— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) October 22, 2018

I finally posted pics of my kids at a pumpkin patch, so I get to stay on Facebook for another year

— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) October 24, 2018

A kids version of the “Saw” movie but they can only escape by eating a sandwich with the crusts on.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 16, 2018

Ahh, I love the sound of my kids’ screen time in the morning.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 21, 2018

God: You’re in charge of naming all the animals.

Dr. Seuss: That’s a Zizzer Zazzer Zuz. That’s a Phiffer Pheffer Phef. That’s-

God: Nope nope nope. Let’s bring you back later. Adam, you’re up.

— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) October 10, 2018

My kids know to wait until I’m sick to ask me to upgrade all their iPad games.

Why yes, I will pay $9.99 to unlock all the Strawberry Shortcake baking tools if it means a possible 10 minutes of silence.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) October 8, 2018

9: Where’s dad? I need his help.

Me: Anything your dad can do, I can do. What do you need?

9: When I flushed the toilet, it keeps rising.

Me: Go find your dad.

— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) September 29, 2018

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 24, 2018

https://twitter.com/thisiskacee/status/1065007774713577473

In hind sight “Up your butt and around the corner” was not the best phrase to add to 4’s vocabulary.

But my God, you should have seen Nana’s face when 4 told her where she could find her glasses.

Worth. It.

— Mom Jeans Please (@momjeansplease) November 20, 2018

CONFUSED SHOPPER DAD: should i buy the odorless candle or the apple-cinnamon candle?

OTHER SHOPPER DAD: apple-cinnamon. it makes more scents!

*tremendous high five attempt, but they whiff*

— TuSoon Shakur (@TuSoonShakur) November 12, 2018

Daughter: can you make me a sandwich?

Me: poof you’re a sandwich lol.

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter: MOM HE’S DOING THAT THING AGAIN.

— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) November 7, 2018

8yo: Mom, will you put ketchup on my hotdog?

Me: You’re old enough to do it yourself.

8yo: pic.twitter.com/WfXA9pepJX

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 5, 2018

Me: *reads first four words of children’s book* 2-year-old: “Why?”

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 1, 2018

We’re going to an amusement park tomorrow.

So today we’re busy threatening to not go to the amusement park tomorrow.

— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) November 3, 2018

There is no one more drunk with power than a 3 year old who can finally reach the water dispenser on the refrigerator. 6 cups in 5 minutes and counting…

— Mom Jeans Please (@momjeansplease) November 1, 2018

My husband was looking at his fantasy football scoreboard and my 9yo came up and started reading the team names and said “What’s Finger Bangers?” and I think we all aged a little in that moment.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 6, 2018

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) December 4, 2018

Welcome to parenthood, you need to flush the toilet before you use it too.

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) November 29, 2018

SANTA: what would you like for Christmas? *child hands Santa a note*

“Please look after Melissa. I need a couple of hours to shop and maybe get a coffee. Also, she’s lactose intolerant.”

SANTA, to elf: put her with the others

— Bison (@McGrumpenstein) December 8, 2018

Special shout out to the kid at my son’s elementary school concert who threw his arms into a cross and yelled “Wakanda Forever!” at the end of his performance.

— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) December 14, 2018

Last Friday, my daughter’s teacher mentioned to me how nice it is to see how well my kids get along & love each while at school. Now if you’ll excuse me, my daughter just punched my son in the groin for using the pencil crayon she wasn’t even using…

— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) December 17, 2018

There’s always the ‘Funniest parenting tweets of the week’ but never the ‘Funniest guy living alone in basement apartment tweets of the week’, heck this.

— Matt (@Stap_Jr) September 11, 2018

The post 2018’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Year!! appeared first on Life of Dad.

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2018’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Year!!