#- isnt allowed to meet with women in private…

[jorvikzelda]

mothers be normal about trans people challenge (impossible)

[thechangeling]

Tell me a story

Ty doesn't believe in fate.

A shout out to @ilikebooks8 for convincing me to make a fanfic about autistic!Eleanor Blackthorn. Autism is genetic so it makes sense for Ty to have autistic ancestors. If you are autistic I guarentee you have someone in your family who is also autistic they just haven't been diagnosed yet. For me, I've got my dad.

Cw: mentions of ableism, abuse and the death of a minor character. Very anti Andrew Blackthorn.

"Tell me a story," Tiberius' asked, in that mature, matter- of-fact way he spoke. Ty was only eight but already he sounded like a boy twice his age in terms of his vocabulary and the way he spoke.

Although he still had the voice of a child which was rather amusing. Eleanor turned to face her son with a groan as she felt searing pain shoot through her bones. She had been laying down all day due to feeling extremely unwell. The noises and lights of the outside world were especially brutal, but she had gotten used to it overtime. She had learned to cope. To smile and nod and make eye contact. To control her movements and still her hands and laugh at their jokes.

Eleanor played the part of the proper shadowhunter and the dutiful wife, the attentive mother. It didn't matter that it had changed her. Had completely turned her into a different person, someone harsher and colder. Someone who was so quick to anger and venomous hatred.

Someone who only knew how to be in pain.

She always tried to not let that side of her show to her children. They didn't deserve it. But the past few weeks in particular had been brutal. Her body felt broken and it was becoming harder and harder to put up that facade.

She faced Ty with the best fake smile she could muster. "Which story would you like to hear?" He climbed up on the bed beside her and sat down in an odd twisted position where his legs were in a W position. He began tapping his hands on his knees as he appeared to contemplate his choices.

Eleanor could remember a time when she was younger when she used to do that. Before her parents had stopped her. She knew she should really tell Tiberius off to discourage him from doing these things in public. He was so blatent and open in a way that frightened and almost angered her. There was no telling what kind of reaction The Clave might have.

She didnt want him to end up with the dregs, or worse.

"I don't know," Ty said finally scrunching up his eyebrows. "I can't think of one right now. Could you make one up?" Eleanor smiled in spite of herself. She had always loved making up stories ever since she was a kid. She had always been a creative person, painting and drawing as often as she could. Shadowhunters didn't really appreciate a creative streak.

Eleanor nodded. "Ok sure, let's see." She took a breath, trying to ignore the agony spreading through her back and shoulders. "Once upon a time there was a prince who was trapped in a tower that was guarded by an evil ogar. The prince had been rumored to have special powers so he was forced by his parents to stay locked away in the tower forever to keep him safe. He wasnt allowed to make friends with any other children so he grew up alone. Teaching himself how to read and write and playing games to amuse himself."

Ty rolled his eyes. "Isn't that rather cliche? The whole prince trapped in a tower story? I've definitely heard that before."

Eleanor laughed. "Where did you hear the word cliche Tiberius?" Ty shrugged, not seeing the amusement in the situation.

"It was in a book. Can you keep going?" He whined impatiently. "I wanna hear the rest."

Eleanor sighed, shaking her head good naturedly. "Alright then. So the prince was trapped for a very long time. Then one day a mysterious adventurer came exploring nearby the tower."

"Can it be a detective?" Ty interrupted, bouncing up and down. He had been obsessed with Clue lately.

"Alright sure, it was a detective. He was searching the answers to a murder mystery. The murder of a young women."  Ty instantly looked interested. Perhaps murder was not the best subject for a story being told to an eight year old, but Ty was a shadowhunter. They were trained to deal with blood and death.

"His was searching for information and came across the tower," she continued. So he decided to investigate. He snuck passed the ogar and into the tower, where he was ambushed by the prince!"

Ty gasped excitedly, wriggling in place. "What happened next? Did they fight?"

Eleanor opened her mouth to continue, but then the bedroom door flew open, startling them both.

It was Andrew. Instantly Ty shrunk himself down, hunching his shoulders. Eleanor knew that Ty didn't always get along with his father but she knew Andrew still loved him deep down. He glared at them both.

"Ty your mother is meant to be resting," he said pointedly.

Eleanor shook her head. "Oh no it's alright. He wasn't bothering me." Andrew didn't seem to hear her.

"Tiberius let's go," he said harshly. Ty hesitated for a moment, looking up at her.

"But I wanna hear the rest of the story!" He protested. "I wanna know what happens to the prince!" Eleanor sighed solemnly. She didn't want to disappoint Ty, but she was feeling pretty worn out.

"Another time baby," she assured him. "I promise."

But unfortunately she never got the chance. She never got the chance because little did they know, Eleanor Blackthorn had cancer. Something that silent brothers couldn't cure. Something that shadowhunters were powerless against.

"What are you thinking about ?" Kit murmered from his spot curled up against Ty's chest. His breath tickled Ty's chin.

Ty paused, not quite sure how to answer. They were lying on the roof of the LA institute again. It was their special spot. Kit had suggested a night of star gazing for a date since the weather was nice.

Things has been a little weird between them lately. Kit had been pretending that everything was fine and he was unfazed, but Ty could tell that something was bothering him. And he had a feeling he knew what it was.

At Magnus and Alec's anniversary party, Jace made a joke about how Kit and Ty would probably be the next ones to get married and Ty immediately went into a blind panic. He completely froze up at the mention of marriage. At the mention of him getting married. His body instantly went into a complete overload almost as if he was on the verge of a meltdown.

He didn't take the time to think about any of it. He just snapped and yelled that he wasn't getting married. That he wasn't ever getting married. Ty wasnt even sure where it came from. Kit was pretending like it wasnt a big deal but Ty knew he was hurting. He could tell.

Ty traced a pattern across Kit's arm. "Honestly it was nothing," he assured him. "I just-." Ty stared at Kit, studying his face. The curve of his lips, the adorable blush of his cheeks and the tiny beauty mark under his eye that Ty loved to fixate on. Everything ached, but it was a good kind of ache.

Ty loved him.

"I just want to stay like this forever," he murmered. "Here with you, where I feel safe and warm. And loved." Ty nuzzled his nose against Kit's. "I want to be with you forever."

Kit smiled distantly before breaking into a slight frown. "Then why don't you wanna marry me?" He asked sadly. And Ty could instantly hear the old ghosts of self loathing and insecurity still haunting Kit's thoughts.

Ty sighed. "It has nothing to do with you I promise. I just really don't want to get married and I'm not even fully certain of why exactly."

Kit stroked his cheek slowly. "Is it the idea of a big wedding? Because we don't have to do that you know. We can totally just skip it," he said assuredly.

Ty shook his head. "That's part of it but it isn't the only reason." He paused to contemplate what exactly it was that was making him feel this way, feel so afraid.

Strangely enough, Ty kept coming back to his mother. His mother who was always a little peculiar in private. Who always seemed sad and exhausted even before the silent brothers diagnosed her. Who was constantly going along with whatever her husband wanted for whatever reason. Because she assumed he knew what he was doing? Because she didn't want to make waves in a society so rigid and obsessed with conformity?

Ty had been considering it more and more lately.

He sat up, displacing Kit from where he was resting. "I think my mother was like me," Ty admitted in a shakey voice. "I think she was autistic and that's why she ended up in the situations she did."

"Ok?" Kit looked confused. "But that still doesn't explain-."

Ty interrupted him. "She was trying so hard to fit in and do the right thing and she would just let him control her. She kept compromising for him because she thought that's what she was supposed to do and also because despite it all I think she really loved him! And it made her so stupid!" Ty shouted.

"I just don't want to become trapped like that," he confessed.

Kit was silent for a moment, just staring at him with a puzzled expression. "Ok, but Ty you realize that I'm not your dad right? Like I would never try and control you or make you into something you're not. I'm not trying to own you, I'm trying to love you!" He argued. "Ty, marriage isnt supposed to trap you. It's about making our relationship into an Offical legal thing that everyone's forced to acknowledge and accept."

Kit took Ty's hand in his. "It's about making each other family."

Ty looked away. He couldn't meet Kit's eyes when he was staring at him looking so hopeful and desperate. It did strange things to Ty's insides. He squeezed his eyes shut, scrunching up his face along with his fists for a moment before letting go.

"I just don't want to let someone have power over me in that way," he explained. Kit sighed, then smiled softly before leaning forward to rest his forehead against Ty's. Ty let out a little moan as he let the tension release from his body with a sigh. Kit placed his hand over Ty's heart.

"But don't you get it Ty?" He asked softly. "You already have, whether you meant to or not. I'm in your system sweetheart, in your blood just like you're in mine." Ty felt him smile. "Like we were made for each other. Like we've spent our entire lives waiting for each other."

Ty pulled away from him. "No I don't believe that," he stated firmly. "I don't believe in fate or destiny or soulmates. I think it's an overt  romanticization of life and the human condition which can have disastrous consequences. It leads people to believe that they are somehow incomplete without a romantic partner which is incredibly problematic." Ty realized he was probably going on a bit of a tangent as he was known to do. But he couldn't be bothered to care.

Kit pouted a little. "Yeah I get that. But I don't know. I like to romanticize things in life. After everything that I've been through, I guess it just makes things feel better you know?" Kit glanced at him hopefully."I don't care if you don't believe in any of those things. I do. And despite what you might believe, you aren't always right about everything," Kit said pointedly.

Ty scowled at him. Kit was undeterred. "And I get that you're coming at this from a scary trauma place. I understand that. I have those too. But you don't have to be afraid of me," he pleaded.

Ty couldn't resist reaching out and touching him, pushing a curly lock of hair behind his ear. "Can I maybe think about it?" Kit smiled and snuggled up against Ty's chest again. "Of course," he murmered. Ty leaned back and resumed his earlier position, staring up at the sky.

He nuzzled his face against Kit's hair. "I'm glad you're not mad at me anymore," said Ty.

Kit snorted, turning to face Ty. "I'm never mad at you love. It's pretty much impossible." Ty grinned and leaned forward to kiss him slowly, savoring the feeling of Kit's lips against his.

Kit broke off and kissed Ty's cheek, then his orbital bone. Ty giggled and closed his eyes which prompted Kit to place a kiss on each of his eyelids.

"I love every inch of you," Kit whispered. Ty couldn't speak. He was too overwhelmed. He just wrapped his arms around Kit even tighter and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

They lay in peaceful silence for several moments before Kit spoke.

"Tell me a story."

In case you missed it, the story Eleanor was telling Ty is the story of kitty in Lady Midnight basically. Also. Not me projecting my fear of marriage onto my comfort character! 😂

Tag list: (lmk if you wanna be added/removed) @playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @knifescythe @ti-bae-rius @dianasarrow @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies @zfoxdraws @julieandthefandoms @older-brother-kit @ilikebooks8 @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @heloisacosta23 @adoravel-fenomeno @eutonyinwhisper

[bi-writes]

being worried that Tom isnt taking your dating seriously, but that very night mob!tom making a very public (and somewhat naughty) display infront of mob rivals and his men at a party or an event that you and him are together, that you’re his girl.

clearing out inbox, don’t send anymore

You didn’t know how you were going to talk to him about this.

Tom was an enigma. He was mysterious in every way, and your relationship wasn’t omitted from that mysteriousness. Tom was different when he was around others. Tom was different when he was with you. In fact, sometimes you thought he was an entirely different man, especially when he could flip the switch on his emotions. There were times when he was deep into the color of your eyes, his palms on your cheeks, love on his lips, and then in another minute, he could be throwing glass at the wall and commanding an army of suit-clad soldiers to do his bidding. It terrified you.

Sometimes Tom terrified you.

He had never done anything to you that would make you afraid of him, but that didn’t mean you hadn’t seen Tom through the thick and thin. In fact, there were times when you would rub blood off his sharp jaw and kiss the worry away from his face, something he had never tried to hide from you. But while Tom didn’t hide anything from you, it seemed...Tom did want to hide you.

Tom had...rules. Lots of rules. You couldn’t take pictures with him. You couldn’t post about him on any social media. He had one phone number, but it changed all the time, and it was hard to get in contact with him sometimes. And you weren’t allowed to be seen together. You had never gone on a date in public, never had coffee together, a meal, even a drunken night at a bar. But Tom had done those things, he had done them many times, without you.

It bothered you. The lifestyle Tom led wasn’t something you had prepared for in the beginning, but the fact that you stuck around even after knowing had to mean something, didn’t it? Tom had to know that you were serious about him, didn’t he?

It was when the doubt began to trickle in that you knew you had to talk to him. When you started to think that maybe the reason Tom never let you join him was because he was meeting someone else, with someone else, giving into the pleasures of his lifestyle and letting women do as they wanted with him. It was when the jealously, the doubt, the hurt, began to trickle in that you knew you couldn’t wait any longer.

You smoothed the skirt of your dress down as you clutched your purse to your side. The pub was dark at this hour, but filled with animate voices. You looked around for him, but you couldn’t see him, so you made your way to the front, your eyes finding a bartender cleaning off some glasses.

“I’m looking for a...Tom Holland?” You asked, biting your lip nervously. He raised a brow, looking you up and down with almost a scoff before nodding his head towards the door behind him. 

“In the back.”

You made your way around the counter, and he opened the door for you, nodding his head. You made your way down the narrow hallway, towards the only doorway that had light peeking out from it. You pushed it open slowly, and your eyes widened when there were dozens of eyes on you suddenly.

Men were hanging around the couches, the chairs, against the private bar towards the back. There were a few poker tables set up where stacks of cash were being thrown around, and there was smoke billowing from everywhere. You met eyes with Tom, who was seated at one of the poker tables, a cigarettes between his fingers. He blinked when he noticed that it was you standing there, and he didn’t say anything for a few moments. You clutched your purse tighter, tears in your eyes as you waited for a few minutes. But as Tom stared at did nothing, your heart dropped in your stomach. You had a feeling you knew where you stood with Tom, but you just couldn’t really believe that it could be true.

“Where are you going, sugar?”

“Don’t cry, love, come join the party.”

You backed up against the door as people started to come closer to you, but they didn’t get even a few steps before Tom’s voice rang out, firm and threatening.

“Take one more fucking step, and I’ll blow your fucking head off.”

The conversations died down as Tom stood up. He stubbed out the end of his cigarette, letting out a breath before he glared at the men closest to you.

“Fuck off, will ya? She’s with me.”

“Oh, is she? I don’t see—”

Tom let out a bitter laugh, “oh, you don’t want to fucking go there with me, do you? You lay a hand on her, and I swear, she’ll be the last thing you ever bloody feel. Keep your fucking hands to yourself, do you understand me?”

You stayed there by the door, a bit timid as you backed up still. Tom sighed after a moment, taking a seat and relaxing, and as he motioned for you to come closer to him, the conversations started back up again, as if you hadn’t interrupted at all. You hurried towards him, a tremble in your lips, and Tom welcomed you into his lap, his arms tight around you as you hugged him back. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked, threading his fingers through your hair. “You know—”

“I know the rules,” you whispered. “I just...I thought...I thought you didn’t want me to come because...m-maybe...maybe I wasn’t as important to you as...as I thought I was.”

Tom raised a brow, “what?” He chuckled a bit. “No, love...that’s not it.” He brushed a thumb over your cheek, “y/n, you’re bloody silly, you know that? What do you think I do here? It’s not fun and games, love, I make deals. I’d rather not have my girl get between me and business...you could get hurt.”

You shook your head, “Tom, I’m being serious. I...I care about you. I...I just...sometimes I just...I just don’t feel like you...care about me as much as I care about you. I kinda feel that sometimes you’re...embarrassed about me.” You swallowed a bit, meeting his eyes, and he frowned visibly. 

“Mmm...why don’t you wait for me by the door, yeah? Let’s...let’s go.”

You slid off of his lap, going to stand by the door, and he finished shaking a few hands before coming towards you. You turned to walk out with him, and you gasped as he grabbed a handful of your ass and pulled you out of the room, slamming you against the wall and capturing you in a hot kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck slowly, letting out a whine when he pulled away, chasing his lips for more.

“You’re my girl, y/n. Always,” he muttered. “I know it, and now they do, too.”

“I’m in love with you,” you blurted out, staring at his lips. Your eyes widened a bit, but all Tom could do was grin.

“Good,” he murmured. “I’m in love with you. Now...let’s talk about how fucking lovely you look in this dress, eh?”

[lgbtpolitics]

Realising I am a lesbian (this is gonna be long)

This is not something I talk about much because I see it as something personal and not for public discussion. Equally I feel that online discussions, especially on tumblr are steeped in this idea of "winning" an argument, "proving" you're allowed to say this or that and "owning" your "opponents" and I dont like my personal story to have any part of that.

But the recent discussion I was just having made me reminisce a lil bit so I'm gonna talk about it now. Because I feel like where I'm coming from on this is pretty relevant.

Something you need to understand is that I was not popular in primary school. I had like barely any friends. I basically got it into my head that I was more mature than everyone else, and I was like, so excited to go to secondary school. I watched all the rom coms about high school and I just saw it as my chance to be the super popular girl, that dates all the boys, and everyone loves etc. This fantasy of myself as the next regina George was something that really kept me going during that time. And I went to secondary school and tbh I got my wish- ofc real life isnt as dramatic as the movies, there was no dramatic walking down the halls with everyone in awe- but for all intents and purposes i was relatively popular, had my little girl gang, and most importantly, loads of boys fancied me. I got my first kiss age 11 and just felt I was succeeding in life. I subsequently got slapped in the face with the realisation that I was a lesbian.

Now this was like, unacceptable to me. I basically promised myself that it didn't matter, I was gonna stay closeted forever, I could still date boys, no one needed to know. This idea i had that my attractiveness to boys was my sole life force was not going away any time soon. So i did that. I dated boys, and I was enjoying it too. I knew I wasnt really into them (do not @ me about the ethics of that this is middle school it was never gonna last regardless) but really the whole point of dating them was to satiate my need to be the super attractive girl, not actual feelings. That was true before I realised I was gay and it was still true afterwards so yeah I was still getting that same buzz, the delight of realising someone's into me, scrutinizing him with my friends, gossiping about it- I was loving it. So far none of this is sounding very gay I know. The thing was these relationships would never last longer than maybe like 2 months. That's not that strange for that age group, hence why no one picked up on it, but after the initial hype wore down, after it became something in my life not a new adventure I was just bored and I started to hate it. I remember this would change really rapidly, almost overnight I would go from being so excited about him to just wanting him nowhere near me. I like kinda knew this was because of my sexuality but like I said, as far as i was concerned I could basically just be straight and only think about women in private so I didn't scrutinise it too much.

Anyway fast forward a few years of this. When I was 18 I moved somewhere new, much more accepting place with -SHOCK- other, out, gay people. This was like crazy to me and I came out to a handful of my friends. It was bliss honestly. However to my, and my friends, surprise I did not stop getting with guys after I'd come out to people. It was really weird for me, I just like could not stop seeing guys like a dating prospect. I was not actively dating guys but like sometimes kissing them at parties stuff like that. I remember thinking that I needed to stop getting with them if I wanted people to believe me that I was gay, but then thinking, if i need to try then surely I'm not gay, like what is this? So when I went to uni I came out as bisexual. I really wanted to come out at uni because i was ok with people knowing now, but I was scared of like making announcements to people so going away was like, my opportunity to just let people know when I first met them and it would be a casual thing. And I just decided I was gonna say I was bisexual because saying I was confused felt too personal to share with people I was just meeting but also if I was still getting with guys, any discussion of how I could be a lesbian also felt too personal so i was like ok I'm bisexual now. I dont mean this like I actively lied, I mean more like, I just told myself I must be, because i seemingly could not stop getting with guys.

So yeah for a couple of years I identified as bisexual. I basically changed my mind because of one event. What happened was, there was this guy on my course who like, I had noticed before, but not in an attraction way (not even fake attraction, like I had not even thought about him as hot, or someone i would wanna get with i just knew like who he was). And whilst out with some friends of mine, they were getting all giggly and gossipy about how cute this guy is. I just saw them like laughing about something and then one of them turned to me and said "Dont you think x is really fit?" And in that moment, suddenly, I thought he was really fit. I dont mean I lied and pretended to join I mean in that split second I suddenly started to feel something towards him that I did not before. And for some reason, this time I was acutely conscious of the fact that I did not find him attractive before she said anything. And this event really stayed with me and I was pondering it for ages, and started to realise that basically every guy I'd fancied up to that point I'd actually done the same thing with. Like I would have no inclination to get with a boy until he or someone else put the idea in my head. And I was latching on to that idea every time. And this feeling was not following through, I'm not gonna go into detail about sex I was having but basically yeah it didn't hold up. And just like that, I basically just realised that a lot of my attraction to men was the same as it was when i was 12 years old: all about about the idea of it and not really about them, or my enjoyment at all. I linked this back to my obsession with being this figure of "girl all the guys want", despite the fact that I was now studying science at university, not doing make up and nearly all my friends were guys etc, I'd basically entirely let go of this persona, but the impact of having spent my whole life was that I could not distinguish between someone I liked and someone I liked the idea of and I could see it really clearly all of a sudden.

Initially I thought it was just me. Like I'd concocted this image of myself that had convinced me I was bisexual for years. Up until I started reading about other lesbians experiences with this- I wasnt alone and I wasnt even the oldest person just realising it. That was another big factor was that I felt way to old to still be questioning my sexuality, especially considering I was now out of the closet, I was involved in a lot of lgbt activism and politics and I just felt a bit pathetic. Realising this was actually a really common experience, actually including feeling more of this "attraction" to men after coming out, was honestly not just a huge relief to me but also just made me feel more comfortable identifying as a lesbian, and not feeling like I had to justify every past relationship I'd had with men in order to do so.

Now I actually still have a lot of friends who think I'm bisexual. I do tell people I'm not, but they dont believe me a lot of the time, and I dont blame them. I understand that I got with a lot of boys and they just see that and think "shes definitely bi". They're mostly men, quite a few of them are straight and people just arent aware that this is a thing that lesbians experience. That pretty much concludes my story, and I just wanna say that the reason I'm posting this is not, as I said at the top, about "winning" this "argument" I was having, I just want people to see this stuff. I just shared contrpoints video where she talks about the same stuff, saying how one of my friends actually got in touch with me after seeing that to say he kind of could see what I meant about me being a lesbian. Call it comphet call it whatever you want. The point is, it is a common experience, and it is something people struggle with, even after realising that that's what it is, it doesn't go away when you put a name to it. Recognising it does help though, it's been a while now since I've even contemplated being with any man. Also when you do feel that stuff, it helps to just ask yourself if what you're feeling is attraction, or a buzz from the idea of it. Having an understanding that it's not just about forcing yourself but actually you feel something genuine, but that that something is not attraction really helps to understand it aswell.

[cowboyjen68]

(1) Hey Jen, so I'm 16 and a lesbian and I've just started going to this new art school, I've made a few friends but there's this girl there that's like in love with me, like she asked me out after 3 days of knowing me, I politely declined because my mental health and home life is awful at the moment, I have depression and ptsd and although I'm a romantic I can't see myself handling a relationship anytime soon, and she seemed to take it well and we stayed friends...

(2) Well since that day I can’t have a single conversation with her without her “joking” about how she’s going to make me fall in love with her and I’ll inevitably be sending her nudes and we’ll fuck a lot, and honestly it’s making me really uncomfortable, we’ve become the “will they won’t they” of our friendship group and everyone is telling me to just date her, because I’m a girl and she’s a girl and we’re both gay so that’s all you need right? I’ve explained to her my libido is nonexistent…

(3) and tbh I really don’t want to see her tits I just want to take a nap! I get that my dating circle is smaller than if I was straight but surely that doesn’t mean I have to say yes to every girl that wants to fuck me solely because idk if I’ll ever get the opportunity to again?? Aren’t I allowed to have standards? Or a type? Isnt it normal to want to have feelings for someone before u date them? I can’t even tell her this cuz u gotta be gentle with feelings and I don’t wanna embarrass her :(

Hi.. I am glad you wrote.. because all that you bring up is important. 

First.. it is okay for you to be honest and straight forward. In private, of course.  Tell her you are not interested.. You don’t feel that way about her and you would really enjoy your friendship if she could please just drop it. You will be the first to cheer her on as she meets women to date. It is just not going to be you.. ever.  Honesty might hurt her feelings at first.. but it if she values your friendship she will understand. If she does not value your feelings or friendship, you have lost nothing if she walks away. 

You are absolutely correct about not liking all lesbians or bi women or women in general. I meet lots of women, both lesbian and bi and I am really attracted to very few. I mean we all can recognize a woman who is attractive. But as far as want.. someone who actually turns me on, that is rare and so far, ALWAYS comes with connection. Not everyone needs that connection, that is me and, it sounds like you are the same way. That is okay and it is important that you respect that about yourself. Not settle or lower standards. Don’t give in to pressure. You should enjoy your experiences of intimacy on your terms.  

When you date someone… you should have some butterflies or tingles. If you don’t know them at all you should at least be excited to see them. So you are completely correct. Your dating pool is smaller.. but there are plenty and you have plenty of time. Don’t rush, don’t settle, don’t be with someone just to be with anyone. Take that nap, work on your school and yourself. When you are ready to date, date.. but never be dishonest with yourself about who or what type you like. If you can be honest with yourself you can be honest with other women. 

And at 16, you may not even be ready to date. Not everyone is. Not everyone is in a place at your age to explore sex or intimacy. That is normal and don’t listen to those who pressure you to date or tell you that you should be more interested in sex than you are. That is cultural stuff creeping in and not accurate for every one. 

[cowboyguts-moved]

Ok i’ve GOT to know 14 and 15 because josh...you have a torment hard-on unlike anyone else i have ever seen...why do you always have one OC who’s like a fucking orphan with a peg leg and almost starved to death as an infant or another one who ended up in the hospital and lost all of their money because their small time drug dealer turned out to be working for the colombian cartel and robbed them blind. josh why

ok tumblr wont let me post all of it but gimme a sec and ill edit this ask

edit:

HHSHDJDKXNXJDJZNSJ WHAT'S FUCKIN LIFE WITHOUT PERILOUS DANGER and inborn trauma and tragedy... i do it to purge myself of my own problems and to give me incentive for research and discovering different walks of life than my own ... you almost hit the nail on the head with lewis though which is the answer to

14. The roughest backstory I’ve given an OC

Lewis was made because the head of this cult wanted lewis to be born... kinda like symbolism for jesus's birth. i don't know all the lore for this cult yet but they're a small commune north of a small town in northern California. They have their own isolated community of two hundred people give or take. Lewis' mom was a teenage runaway and lewis' dad was a simple farm hand in a cruel family who treated him poorly because of mental disability and they had to have lewis because it was ordered of them and there was sorta no way out of it...they had a boy and for some reason the birth of this kid didnt feel right and he didnt feel like... divine enough to be used for ritual practice and the ultimate mission of these cults leaders... which would inevitably be a sacrifice of the boy. haha (: and so theyre like ...try again. so now Lewis was born with a fraternal sister but they only cared about Lewis...his real name is Aloysius for petes sake, he's named after a saint. Lewis isnt particularly singled out as he grows up like he doesn't know he's being especially watched because of some bullshit prophecy that was most definitely made up and no theres no angelic godly energy running through him everyone is just a bunch of freaks. Lewis grows up not knowing his siblings are his biologically because the commune is about group-raising. everyone is a sibling every adult is a parent. he doesn't know his mom is His mom but she watches him extra close and lewis gets an idea that this one women may be his Mom mom even though he doesnt have a strong concept of what that even means. Lewis is abused and neglected like other kids, him more severely by a man called Father Gabriel..we despise him ha ha. he's the most vile evil character i will ever make. Lewis's life is fine, not fine... because he's being raised in a cult... but fine in his eyes because he gets schooling in the small community school, he gets recreation activities..this is where he learns to paint, he does labor a lot but he does love when he gets to garden and pet the animals in their barn, he sings in the church choir. the hardest part about it are his visits with Father Gabriel that occur whenever father wants them to at whatever time of day and the neglect from the Brothers of the church as well. this starts when he's about 7 or 8

he's treated especially poorly and corporal punishment and solitary confinement and withholding of basic needs is a big thing. etc etc. this is a religious cult obviously so that sort of biblical fear is instilled in him. uhhh then for whatever reason i have to iron out the kids are allowed to go to private schools close by, probably as not to seem like a closed off and suspicious cult that draws attention. lewis meets chris at his school (: hehe. lewis still has to go back to the commune every weekend though and thats especially hell because things get worse when he's in middle school. uhh when high school comes around hes actually plucked out of the school system and is going back to living full time in the commune and being homeschooled except he and 5 children are selected to go on a Retreat with father gabriel and two of the Brothers..the retreat is actually just living in an abandoned home in the middle of Nebraska and its one big sacrificial ritual thats lasts a year and the kids are of course neglected, made to do odd rituals, are humiliated. uhh basically its Horror Movie stuff... i wanted it to feel like a horror movie that lewis is trying to escape from. theres no light in the house. they only use candles and daylight. theres limited food. hardly any outside time. the ultimate goal is that they'll eventually get very malnourished and then theyll be sacrificed... a little girl doesnt make it. Lewis is upset because he learned to love her as a sister. he can feel himself getting closer to death.... he has deep lacerations on his leg from abuse and theyre not getting treated and his tissue is dying and his leg is getting gangrene. he escapes one night through the corn field and he tells a man he sees in town to call the police and then flees. he realizes his leg is dying! he by chance meets a doctor! lewis has no money for amputation so he offers something Else and this disgusting doctor accepts!!! lewis is sent off with a bad wooden prosthetic and not enough healing time in bed and no physical therapy and his own supply of pain meds that will soon run out! lewis prostitutes for money and pain meds in mystic overhang!! he gets with very repulsive men that mistreat him! when lewis is touched he gets very pliable and limp as a coping mechanism! he stops the meds and withdrawals! thank you

15. The least painful backstory I’ve given an OC

My least painful backstory HHHSHDHSHS IS TANNER. jesus tanner grew up with a very...here or there father. he's not great at all. he's not the worst. but being around him feels kinda empty and they don't talk about much besides tanner in hockey and other common interests like that. his parents are divorced, he feels lost with his passions and where he's going in life. it all feels a bit aimless and he feels like he's on the Precipice of something bad or losing something he holds dear. like friends and memories and his girlfriend amiyah. his brother is really mean like pretty much abusive..he's 14 and he's narcissist asshole with a fucked up head and he makes his life hell and he's honestly a little frightening. sometimes his mom is unaware of the important things going on in tanners life and she's a bit harebrained and unfairly self absorbed but she is a good lady and he loves her. also we arent sure yet if this is canon material but he gets amiyah pregnant and she miscarries 3 months in SO...yeah there u have it.

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Meeting Roman Godfrey

Chapter 2

Warning: cursing.

Author notes: establishing these two dynamic. The calm before the storm if you will. Lol.

“I can honestly say that I’m jealous.” Roman mumbled as he stared in wonder at myr Uncles’ home. Walking around touching the original furnishings, and admiring the extensive art collection that was everywhere you looked, in some form or another.

My uncles home had been designed by famous architect frank lloyd wright and was dramatically built on top of a waterfall, giving it the suitable name of “Falling Water”. It was as famous for its genius design, as it was for being owned by a reclusive antisocial billionaire that didn’t allow journalists, photographers, architects or anyone for that matter near the home, let alone photograph it.

I think, the waterfall is annoying,the kitchen impractical,pretty much had no storage space, was constantly in need of some major renovation or repair, and was as close to living in a fish bowl you could get. I’d never admit any of those things out loud, because it truly was beautiful, but deep down I hated living in the famous home.

“I’m just shocked you drove all the way out here. I figured for sure you’d see how far it was and be like pass.” I said trying to draw some attention from the home.

“He recognized the address.” I spun around to find my Uncle standing by one of the homes many staircases.”hello Godfrey. I bet you’re beside yourself to finally have a look inside.”

“Absolutely, sir. It’s an absolute honor to be in your home.” Roman said politely.

I looked at him incredulously. He was known for being a pain in the ass and a brat, but maybe he was just smart and chose his battles. My uncle was as famous for being an asshole as he was for being a genius, but it seemed as though they knew eachother. “So I guess you two know eachother?” i asked. 

“Since i can remember. your Uncle loves to tell me to go fuck myself on the regular. Well not since I tried to buy this house right before....” Romn trailed off as he seemed to get lost in some distant memory...

“What happened to your cousin Letha?” My uncle asked. Strange for him to even ask personal questions, let alone remember names (even if it was my name too)

“Uncle! It might be polite to ask him how he is first...” I huffed.

“I dont care about his emotional state. I care about how a perfectly strong healthy girl died so suddenly and then it just went away.” he analyzed Romans reaction, but there was none. my Uncle liked to test people.

“brain or blood vessel burst in child labor. I was there. So much blood... then she was gone.

“Uncle!!! Are you seriously...”

“No need to defend me Letha.” Roman interjected with a pleasant smile, “your Uncle is one of my favorite people.”

“Did I ever tell you how not just one, but two women ended up with your terrible name?” he asked me with one of his mischevious smiles. “in Greek it translates to forgetful, and considering you’re not forgetful in the least its ironic. Marie and your mother both hated Olivia, and bonded over that mutual hate. Marie was so taken by your others charms, she named Letha after you the following day.”

I looked over to Roman and he was staring into me. i glanced away to my Uncle, who was watching Roman wth a strange smile on his face. He was acting kind of strange, even for him. I’d better get Roman out of here before he hates me. 

“. Come on out here with me and we can chat you two. Letha grab me a ginger ale and get Roman a water since he’s driving.” my Uncle ordered.

I agreed and hurried to the kitchen and watched in curiosity as the two notoriously difficult business tycoons seemed to be enjoying one another  out on the terrace.

I hadn’t planned on inviting Roman in, but he had been so obviously enamored by the famous home, that i couldn’t refuse when he’d politely asked to see it. Normally a guy asking to see inside was a question with shady intentions, but the pure wonder on his face had proven otherwise.

Now i didn’t even know what to think about my Uncle being his version of kind to Roman. Uncle hated visitors. I wasn’t totally sure how much he liked me even. I felt like I was in some alternate reality 

I grabbed the drinks, put them on this fancy tray and carried them out to the terrace. It was just nearly dusk and this was one of the prettiest times to see the house, when it was all lit up like a lone lantern in the thick forest with the dramatic waterfalls, and otherworldly feel. 

It was kind of silly that the house was the view, instead of the house having a view. And ironically, the house was so hidden away on 1700 acres up a long winding road, behind a massive gate, with full time security, that nobody really ever got to view it.. Uncle has grown tired of people just showing up or seeing flashes in the woods, so he hired this crazy security company to keep everyone out and monitor all the borders. Hardly anyone ever made it thru now. It was private, but extremely isolated and lonely.

“I’m surprised you’d take interest in Letha.” My uncle said, eyes narrowing obviously oblivious I was right behind them. I held my breath and didn’t move a muscle. I wanted to hear this.

“Why? She’s a beautiful girl.” Roman chuckled.

My heart warmed and stomach fluttered a bit. OH HELL NO Letha. Keep that shit in check.Hes gorgeous, and tall, and sexy, and charmng, and smelled nice, and could hold his own with your uncle, but hes also famous for bedding every woman in his path.... 

“Frankly her breasts are too big for my taste, they seem like a handicap more than an asset, but that’s trivial and shallow. She’s too smart and she doesn’t listen for shit.”

“I had noticed that actually...” Roman said thoughtfully.

“Which part?”

“All of it.”

I cleared my throat, so I didnt hear anything else wrong with me. “Drinks guys.”

Roman hopped up to help me but I signaled him to sit, as I served them their beverages. I could feel his eyes on me, but was careful not to look at him and notice.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” My uncle said. I was gonna punch him in the face, hes such an ass! god I love him.

I burst out laughing and looked at Roman who was 3 shades redder and forcing an uncomfortable smile.He isnt that cool, he does get embarrassed, thats better.

My Uncle started to laugh but winced. “Ouch. Shit. Fucking neck.” He cursed as he was reminded laughing wasn’t allowed yet. He hardly ever did laugh so it wasn’t really an issue normally.

“You’re my favorite person in the world Uncle.” I meant it too. He’s always been there for me, and when I heard he’d hurt himself and may need my help, I dropped everything, hopped in my car and drove the nearly 3000 miles to his house.

It’d taken nearly a whole day to get permission to pass the guards. They were new and usually my uncle came to see me. I’d only been to this house one time when I had graduated high school more than a few years ago. With me going to University, my uncle no longer had to live in the city, so he came here.. Something about the house and town was unsettling to me.

“Well considering the competition, it’s not much of a compliment.” My uncle said dryly. “One day you two should compare notes and see which one of your mothers is the more despicable creature.”

“Is it ok if I take Roman on a little nature walk so he can see the house in all its glory?”

“Go ahead. I’m gonna go to sleep shortly but no hanky panky you two.” He said with a mischievous grin.

Now it was my turn to be red. I turned to Roman and he was already up by my side. I took his hand and walked to the floating stairs that led to the ground floor. I was sure to walk slowly so he could take in all the house had to offer.

“Beautiful.” Roman said under his breath.

“Oh my gosh I know! Can you believe they built this out in the middle of nowhere in 1935? Can you imagine? And it hasn’t been cheap or easy keeping it perfect like this. A few years ago they had to rip half the house apart and reinforce it because the terraces were sagging. Uncle spent like 11 million dollars that time on engineers and architects and materials. He was not letting it go, and I don’t even think the whole house is worth that, but when he likes something, not hell nor high water can change his mind.”

“I wasn’t talking about the house, although good to know.” He smiled at me almost shyly.

“Are you trying to be adorable? You aren’t shy, and yet you’re acting almost sweet.”

“You’re so weird. You just spit out whatever you’re thinking don’t you?” Roman challenged me. Super cocky confident Roman returning.

“Omg you’re a peacock. Look at you preening about, puffing up your chest.”

“A peacock? Really? What does that make you?”

I had to think about that for a moment.”I’d have to go with a honey badger I think.” I said.

Roman choked on his water. I pat him on the back, giving him a moment to catch his breath. “Why is that such a shock?”

“No reason.” He tried to look innocent but I could see thru his shit. “Why did you choose it?”

“Well I’m resourceful, fearless, I don’t listen, I prefer my own company, no one can keep me contained, and snakes don’t intimidate me.”

“Ya?” Roman got very close to me and wrapped his arms around me looking down through long lashes. He oozed sex appeal and I could see how all the girls fell all over him.

I reached up and booped his nose. “Boop.” I giggled hysterically at his facial expression.

“What was that?” He asked confusedly.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up. No one has ever booped you in the nose? That’s crazy! You have the best looking nose I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ve never gotten that one.”

“Well that’s cuz most women are probably trying to be sexy and mysterious with you. theyre not being themselves. Boop. Ok last one. Sorry. I barely know you, I can’t go booping you all over the place on our first date, you’re a nice Christian boy...” I said sarcastically. I grabbed him by the hand and pulled him along the way. “We are almost there and it’s getting dark. We don’t wanna get eaten out here or have to kill something.”

i looked back and Roman was genuinely smiling. I felt warm all over, I looked t our hands intertwined and was puzzled with the feeeling i felt. i looked back at Roman and he was looking at our hands too...

We walked along in happy silence until we reached the rocks across the lake and waterfalls from the house. I was wearing Converse, but his dress shoes were proving to be less than nature friendly. We finally got up the slick stairs cut into the stone to reach the sitting area, after a lot of effort and laughs. They were the worst shoes for this environment ever.

Upon seeing the house, Roman audibly gasped. He took a few steps ahead and I just admired his profile and form. He really was beautiful. I knew he was going to kiss me before the night was thru. I knew better than to trust this boy, and I knew this was really stupid and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was completely enthralled and was going to see it through. I didnt half ass anything, and i wasnt going to start with him.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Roman said playfully.

My eyes flashed at him trying to tell me what to do. I lowered my head and looked up at him thru my lashes with a sneer.

 “Hey hold on, that’s my trick! We can’t BOTH have intense sexy stares.” he walked over and casually grabbed me around the waist.

“Good thing mine is just evil then.” I said in my best creepy witch voice.

He burst out laughing, eyes shining. It was a genuine laugh. I could tell by the way he instantly tried to control it, that it didn’t happen often.He tried to be so intimidating and serious, but there was a warmth to him, just under the surface.

“You’re a nerd.” He said quietly. 

Oh boy here we go. He’s gonna try this again. My mind was running 1000 miles a minute as I tried to decide whether I was going to let this happen, when all of a sudden it was too late. His lips were on me as he pulled me into a deep embrace. If I was the type to get caught up in a moment, this would be that moment. He smelled amazing, and tasted so sweet. I felt gum in his mouth with my tongue and I snatched it. I pulled away victorious and mock screamed like a roaring crowd, jogging in a circle arms raised.

“You did not just steal my gum.” He beamed at me, chasing me and catching me in his arms before slipping and pulling me down on top of him, wincing at the impact. 

i hovered over him laughing hysterically. “grace and beauty,” i teased. “ No gum is safe when I’m around.” I grabbed his hand and dragged him to his feet and then back to the stairs. “Time to go on the date I have planned for us.”

His eyebrows shot up and he looked genuinely shocked. “You planned out a date?”

“I did. And I have a feeling, you’re going to love it giiiirrrlll!” We both were giggling like school kids as we made our way back to the house.

I looked up to see my Uncle watching us from his terrace, a worried look on his face. That was kind of odd, but this was Roman Godfrey for chrissake.

I obnoxiously kissed my hand with a big “muah!” And threw it at my uncle who ducked like he was really avoiding getting hit.

“You nearly got me that time.” He yelled down to me.

I laughed and waved goodbye as we walked around the house to Romans Mercedes G wagon.

“Do you know why this suv is so expensive?” I asked him.

“It’s a Mercedes.” He said rolling his eyes.

“Although that’s part of it, these are built by hand and take over 40 hours buy two master craftsman to build. They have all the top-of-the-line materials used as well as three locking differentials. It’s the only one in its class with that so it’s superior for off-road Ing especially with the all wheel drive. Add that with superior safety and brand reliability and you have a very expensive, amazing machine. And since you of course have the AMG, you have to add two more craftsman to its build to hand build its engine that’s a mechanical marvel in itself.”

“You know more about my car than me. “ he laughed.

“It’s no big deal, I just never forget something once I’ve read it.”

“Never? I understand your ironic name now”

“Nope. It’s a blessing and a curse. I get it from my Uncle I guess.”

“That’s impressive.” He said sincerely. “I better never lie to you.”

I looked at him and our eyes locked. We stood there eyes locked on one another, neither of us wanting to be the first to look away. A smile crept across his face and i did an exaggerated silly wink.

“You are full of surprises Ms. Letha... what is your last name? Same as your Uncle?

“Nope. My last name is Dahl although I’d love to change it. Not a fan of my father. 

“Oh? Family drama Letha Dahl?’

“You have no idea.” I winked and got in the passenger side before he could reach the door and open it for me. I watched him walk around to the drivers seat and stop to read a message and reply. He scanned thru his phone and slipped it in his pocket. He climbed in and pushed the button to start the car. I went to the navigation and entered the address of our destination and pressed start.

I looked out the window analyzing my thoughts and emotions with scientific precision, first identifying the particular emotions and then assessing where there root was, before filing them away as solved. This was how I regulated thoughts and feelings, so they never got the best of me but this time there were emotions, I had no name for and there was nothing logical about them. I’d dated and even had boyfriends, but I’d never been this absolutely enamored by a man. i felt .... God, what was it?

Roman Godfrey was way cooler than me, but I was smarter, but for the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure if that was an advantage. I had never let emotion take the wheel, but i almost wanted to. I wanted to be lost in this tragic gorgeous boy.

[nerdinsomniac]

im gonna teach y’all a little bit of jewish law today, folks

Basically a friend of mine asked me last night if it was true that rabbis check a woman’s underwear once a month after her period. SO y’all are gonna learn today.

*Disclaimer--I’m not a rabbi or a married woman (aka someone actively practicing the laws im about to talk abt). However I have several years of learning under my belt, plus parents who will talk about ANYTHING relating to Jewish law, and this happens to have been one of the things that have come up both in my schooling (thanks Jewish Day School) and subsequently me clarifying a few things with my parents (thanks mom and dad)

Also, all this info obvs only pertains to religious Jews, generally Orthodox or Conservative. If you or a friend is a not religious Jew don’t assume they follow (or even know about) any of what’s in store below.

Let’s start at the beginning (que sound of music soundtrack)

1. Jewish Law forbids period sex. Why? Good question. thats one of the laws that isnt really explained at all, but the Torah and Talmud are pretty adamant about it. Bottom line, jewish couples are not allowed to have sex from that start of a woman’s period until she goes to the mikvah (ritual bath) 7 days after the end of her period, called the 7 clean days or שבע נקיים (sheva neki-im) in hebrew.

Fun fact? This seems super archaic, but all the women i’ve talked to (including teachers, women I know in my community, and my own mother) are pretty supportive of the system. While i have no experience of my own (I’m turning 20 at the end of the month, give me some time folks), these women and that one rabbi at an NCSY shabbaton (thanks rabbi) say that the halacha (law) prohibiting sex for about a week and a half gives couples a semi scheduled time to connect verbally and emotionally which improves their relationship as a whole, and some of them (not including the rabbi--he was speaking to a large group so we’ll cut him some slack) even said that that in turn enhanced their sex lives.

2. The Seven Clean Days

The seven clean days are essentially a buffer zone between when a woman is actively bleeding and when she goes to the mikvah. And this gets to the heart of the “checking women’s underwear” misconception, so lets break that down.

Truth: Women check to see if they are actively bleeding during the 7 clean days: While technically only the first and last day are absolutely necessary (so if you miss a day in the middle it’s okay), most women check every day by inserting a piece of white “bedika” (checking) cloth *up there*, pulling it out again, and seeing if there’s blood on it. Think kind of like putting in a tampon. 

Here in Israel the cloths are sold at most pharmacies, while in the rest of the world you can get them online or i assume at the mikvah or a jewish store, but I’m not sure.

False: Women then have to bring that cloth to a rabbi: Women are trusted and expected to check the cloth themselves and decide for themselves if the cloth is clean of blood. What women DO bring the cloth to a rabbi for is if they’re not sure. The blood or discharge that negates a clean day is red or dark brown, ie a sign that you’re still actively bleeding. Because (as any menstruating woman knows) your period and vaginal discharge can be any of several colors, it is at times hard to tell if the color is indicative of active bleeding and therefore you have to start the count to seven over again, or if its old blood or non-blood discharge and you can keep the count going from where you are.

False: If you have a question about whether or not your cloth is “clean”, you must take it to a male rabbi: so this one is actually a bit of a controversy within the Jewish community, but many people hold by yoatzot halacha (literally law advisors), women who are trained in matters of family law and handles these kinds of questions. there are also other programs in communities in major cities whereby women facilitate anonymous period questions and checks on behalf of other women, like Nili does in my hometown of Chicago. here’s the link to their hotline: https://www.torahchicago.org/nili-hotline.html.

3. The Mikvah

I realize I already got to the part where I answered my friend’s question, but since i hope I still have your attention, lets finish the story so to speak.

I’ll start off this way--aside from people scared about being naked in front of someone they don’t know or embarrassed to know that anyone they meet in the mikvah waiting room is probably going to be having sex that night, and knows that you’re probably gonna have sex that night, I’ve never heard about a complaint about the mikvah.

The entire operation is built like a private spa. Most appointments are scheduled far enough apart to maintain the women’s privacy, the idea being that ideally they won’t see anyone but the receptionist and the mikvah lady (I’ll explain later) before they go in. Women first are taken to a bathroom with a bath or shower, because before going into the mikvah, you gotta be clean. There are fancy soaps and shampoos, shavers, and nail polish remover (gotta take off the nail polish before you go in). Most places have fluffy towels and nice bathrobes and the like, but it really depends on where you are. When you’re done bathing, there’s usually a way to call to the receptionist to let her know that you’re ready to go in.

Soon after, the mikvah lady will come and lead you to the mikvah itself. Her job is to make sure that when you go in that every inch of you (including every strand of your hair) goes underwater. Most women turn around while you undress and only turn around again when you’re in the water, as a measure of maintaining as much privacy as possible. you then dunk, say the blessing, dunk again, say another, optional blessing, and then either get out or dunk another 1-5 times, depending on your mother’s traditions (or whoever taught you)

SUPER SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: If being naked in front of a stranger triggers trauma or extreme anxiety, talk to both a rabbi and the mikvah lady. There is a way for you to dunk without supervision (which the mikvah lady should know about and be able to teach you how to do) and the mikvah lady MUST leave and let you dunk on your own if you ask. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH COMES FIRST!!!!!

Welp thats the end of our overview. There’s a lot more to get into here (like what exactly makes a mikvah a mikvah, the more spiritual aspect of this commandment, etc), but the goal of this post was mostly to avoid the misconception my friend, a Jewish high schooler in the same Jewish school i went to had. If any rabbis or learned women want to add or correct anything ive just said, please do... like i said in my disclaimer I’m not the most knowledgable about this subject, being that its laws do not yet pertain to me.

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[khalilhumam]

Trinidadian comedian uses humour to say gender-based violence isn't funny

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Trinidadian comedian uses humour to say gender-based violence isn't funny

‘It is important to [see] women as equals, worthy of respect’

Rhea-Simone Auguste, better known as the comedian Simmy De Trini. Photograph courtesy Auguste, used with permission. Photo credit: Mark Lyndersay for www.causeaneffect.co

Trinidad and Tobago, which has been grappling with increasing cases of gender-based violence and femicide, is still reeling over the murder of teenager Ashanti Riley, who was stabbed to death after being abducted by the driver of a private hire (PH) taxi on November 29. Since then, online discussion has been rife over the tendency to victim-blame and put the onus on women to protect themselves, as opposed to focusing on changing the culture and socialisation of men. One comedian decided to start pushing for that shift to happen in a rather unconventional way. On Facebook, Rhea-Simone Auguste, better known as Simmy De Trini, has published a series of scenarios, presented in local parlance, that play as reverse sexual harassment. The impact of this unexpected role reversal has emphasised the absurdity of what women are made to endure in the hyper-masculine Caribbean culture. Via WhatsApp, Simmy chatted with Global Voices about the gravity of gender-based violence and why she believes that humour is a good way to jump-start productive public discussion on the issue. Janine Mendes-Franco (JMF): Was this series inspired by the most recent spate of femicides or is this a theme you have been mulling over for a while now?

Simmy De Trini (SDT): As a survivor of both domestic violence and rape, I have been vocal over the last few years about the injustice women face and the inability of our current system to protect women from harm or worse, murder. The “reverse harassment” posts were not planned. I just got fed up of saying the same things so I switched it up and just started doing sarcastic posts about the situation.

JMF: Each of your instalments has attracted hundreds of likes, comments and shares. What kind of discussion did you want to get going?

SDT: When I realised the first post started gaining traction, the others were done with the hope of sparking discussions about the harassment women experience and the kind of attitudes we encounter that we need men to revisit and review in themselves and their friends.

JMF: Some people seem to be missing the point though.

SDT: The people who did not get it were in the minority and did not have an impact on me continuing. I felt like more people understood where I was coming from so I did not hesitate to keep sharing the posts.

JMF: How disturbing is it to you that most women can identify with some measure of what you speak about in these scenarios?

SDT: Very disturbing but not surprising. In conversations with friends, I have heard so many women talk about these situations with men that I already knew many others would have similar experiences and stories.

JMF: Tell us about your journey to becoming a comedian. Your brand of humour always seems to address serious issues by presenting truths in non-threatening ways. Why is this important to you, and as a woman in what remains a macho society, do you feel a responsibility to provoke thought to a greater degree than a male comedian might?

SDT: I started doing stand-up in 2017, as a creative outlet to help me cope and explore topics that had affected or impacted my life. I have some superficial stuff mixed in but try to explore aspects of mental health and domestic violence prevention and abuse when I can. I don't think much about it in terms of a responsibility but hope my messages sink in for those who can relate.

JMF: How do you tap into this ability to place yourself in the midst of an issue, yet find a way to witness the injustice through laughter?

SDT: I really don't overthink things. If something is going on that I want to talk about, I just do it spur of the moment and from my perspective.

JMF: Is there a difference between Simmy the Trini and Rhea-Simone? How do you draw the line?

SDT: Huge difference. Simmy is a stage name and a different personality. Simmy is loud and funny and all about the public life. Rhea-Simone [is] who I am as a person. I am a loner and like to be in quiet spaces where I can hear my own thoughts. People are usually surprised when they meet me and realise that Simmy can be “turned off,” and that I am mostly serious and able to speak on a range of topics that are not necessarily funny, but hold importance. That's why aside from comedy, I have been trying to do more public speaking and motivational speaking engagements because I enjoy talking to people in different settings.

JMF: You’re the mother of two boys. How is your work teaching them to change what seems to be a pervasive objectification of women in Trinidad and Tobago?

SDT: My sons are being raised to respect and value women. The women around me and by extension them are usually strong, vocal and from different walks of life. It is important to me that they grow up seeing women as equals and worthy of respect.

JMF: What do you want this series to accomplish?

SDT: More dialogue about what we have come to accept as the norm — but in reality is a degradation and devaluing of women — leading to these instances of violence, abuse, harassment or murder.

JMF: How do you think we can begin to solve the problem of gender-based violence?

SDT: Just as there is a sexual offenders registry, we need to have a domestic violence registry for repeat offenders. If you check the background of some of the men who end up murdering a woman in a domestic violence scenario, they sometimes have a clear history and pattern and it was escalating. Counselling for both victims and abusers is necessary to help people with anger management and conflict resolution techniques and strategies. Education is important too. I would love to see a full campaign in the public space that shows a no tolerance aspect for abuse and violence against women.

JMF: What role has social media played when it comes to sharing and promoting your work?

SDT: Facebook, in particular, has been important as it has allowed me to grow a following for my work and opened doors for me to get more work not just as a comedian but as a self-employed journalist and content creator.

JMF: Who have been your greatest influences?

SDT: My mom. My sons. Professionally, as a writer, I was trained by and worked with [journalists] Keith Smith, Deborah John and Angela Martin. In terms of comedy, Wanda Sykes — and I hope to work with her one day.

JMF: Imagine you’re doing a show and your audience is only men. What would you say to them, all jokes aside?

SDT: Women are important to the very fabric of our society. You stand to benefit when you see our value, our contributions and our worth.

< p class='gv-rss-footer'>Written by Janine Mendes-Franco

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The brand-new status badge: it’s not what you waste – it’s how hard “youre working”

The rich used to show how much we are able to spend on acts they didnt necessitate. Today, a public display of productivity is the new mark of class power

Almost 120 years ago, during the first Gilded Age, sociologist Thorstein Veblen coined the term conspicuous consumption. He used it to refer to wealthy person flaunting their money through wasteful spending. Why buy a thousand-dollar clothing when a hundred-dollar one suffices the same serve? The answer, Veblen answered, was ability. The rich said their dominance by showing how much fund we are able to burn on acts they didnt need.

While radical at the time, Veblens observation seems obvious now. In the interfere decades, conspicuous consumption has already become deeply embedded in the quality of American capitalism. Our new Gilded Age will be still more Veblenian than the last. Todays captains of manufacture broadcast their social post with private islands and superyachts while the president of the United States includes nearly everything he owns in gold.

But the acquisition of insanely expensive stocks isnt the only practice that modern upper-class project dominance. More lately, another form of status flaunt has risen. In the new Gilded Age, relating oneself as a member of the ruling class doesnt just require conspicuous consumption. It expects noticeable production .

If conspicuous consumption commits the praise of luxury, noticeable production concerns the worship of strive. It isnt about how much you invest. Its about how hard “youre working”.

Nowhere is the cult of conspicuous product more visible than among Americas CEOs. Todays top executives are committed work-worshippers, virtually to the point of wickednes. Apple CEO Tim Cook told Timethat he begins his era at 3.45 am. General Electric CEO Jeff Immelt told Fortunethat he has worked 100 -hour workweeks for 24 times. Not to be exceed, Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer told Bloomberg Newsthat she used to work 130 -hour workweeks. And so on.

It must be said that these individuals arent working out of necessity. The vast majority of Americans drive because their survival depends on a payment. By distinguish, Mayer, Immelt and Cook could withdraw tomorrow and still live extremely comfortably for the rest of their lives, with plenty left over to pass on to the next generation their collective net worth is almost $1.5 bn.

But conspicuous yield isnt about congregating ones information necessities. Its about the public display of productivity as a badge of class influence. In an era of extreme inequality, elites need to demonstrate to themselves and others that they deserve to own orderings of quantity more money than everyone else. Cook is nearly 500,000% richer than the average American but he wakes up at 3.45 in the morning. This is the hallmark of conspicuous production: it justifies the existence of an imperial class by showcasing their superhuman levels of industry.

The irony is that grueling workweeks arent alone an society phenomenon. Far from it. Many less fortunate Americans perform same feats of productivity, although they have fewer incentives and opportunities to advertise it. A recent study by the Economic Policy Institute found that Americans proletarians labor significantly more hours than they did a few decades ago specially ladies, black people and the poorest of the poor. A black wife in the bottom fifth of earners operated 349 more hours in 2015 than she would have in 1979. The reason is simple: wages have just budged since the 1970 s, which means todays proletarians have to work harder to make ends meet.

Compare the woman toiling long hours for minimum wage with the woman toiling the same hours for $30 m a year. One is trying to avoid starvation and homelessness; the other is broadcasting her influence and cachet. The proletariat of the latter isnt necessary in the normal sense but neither is a ten-thousand-dollar handbag. If conspicuous consumption celebrates gratuitous spending, noticeable production celebrates gratuitous acting. Both convey preeminence by making a sight of excess.

In the first Gilded Age, plethora was like a woman in pearls alongside the status of women in rags. In the second largest Gilded Age, it looks like a woman who works hundred-hour workweeks but doesnt requirement the money, alongside the status of women who works just as hard but can just continue a ceiling over her head.

Yet noticeable product takes many forms. Even people who cant afford to retire tomorrow going to be able engage in some form of it and experience a part of the elite status that it awards. Veblens most provocative proof was that the wastefulness of the rich inspired esteem , not anger. Other class tried to emulate it as best we are able to: middle-class beings couldnt live like a railroad baron, but we are able to indulge in little indulgences to entreat up their social endure. The same principle applies to noticeable creation. Most Americans will never attain the decadent elevations of CEO-style hyperwork, but they can still make a fetish of productivity.

Peak productivity: engineering has allowed us to turn our lives into a dashboard of data that can be monitored and weighed. Photo: Alamy Stock Photo

One way is to turn your holiday into proletariat by working on yourself. The most obvious sample is effort, which has acquired a addictive attribute among members of the urban professional class. The neighborhoods where theyre likely to live are littered with outlet fitness studios such as SoulCycle and indulgence gyms such as Equinox. These are the locations where the labor of self-improvement and self-purification continue long after the labor required to make ones legislations expirations. And they exist alongside a complementary ecosystem of juice tables and organic food stores, where one procures the proper fuel to influence the production processes the self.

The stated conclude for all the committee is health. But the amount of duration that many better-off Americans invest exercising far exceeds what is required to be healthy. Thats because the intricate requires of todays fitness and nutritional regimens arent ultimately about wellbeing. Theyre designed to express class ability. In the second largest Gilded Age, you can typically calculate person or persons charge bracket by their physique class is literally inscribed on their own bodies. Richer bodies arent simply thinner but precise muscled in all sorts of ways. They reflect an enormous and, strictly speaking, useless outlay of try. They personify work in excess of necessitate, signaling asset through wastefulness and apologizing ones control of it through the performance of personal virtue.

But you dont have to be a CEO or an affluent professional to partake in noticeable product. Technology has made it possible for everyone to see everything as a chance for productivity. You can measure your sleep, sex and paces with a Fitbit, your attractiveness with Tinder, your wittiness with Twitter, your notoriety with Facebook. You can alter your identity into a dashboard of data river that can be monitored, analyzed and optimized with the precision of an industrial process. You can alter your life into a factory and not only metaphorically. In creating yourself, you produce economic value for others. The hours you spend on these platforms may be unwaged, but they generate real income for the companies that own them.

This is the genius of noticeable production. It not only promotes a culture of overwork, it obliges our diminishing quantity of leisure time economically productive. There is no escape: either were working for the company or were working on ourselves, but were always cultivating. Eight hours for production, eight hours for remain, eight hours of what we will was the hymn of the employees who firstly demanded the eight-hour-day more than a century ago.Those marks dont make sense any more. Even our sleep is factored into our productivity score the entrepreneur of the self never gets to clock out.

Today, the old-fashioned slogan of the labor movement is just like utopian science fiction. Imagine a society that claimed so little of our strive. Reckon a macrocosm where the poorest of the poor didnt are now working so hard to exist, and the rich didnt have to work so hard to appear worthy of their capital, because rich and good didnt exist.

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In adoration of’ Riverdale’–and the teenage drama’s groundbreaking homosexuals fornication

Riverdale wouldnt be a teen soap without its fair share of pining. Although the CW drama borrows the layer of David Lynchs Twin Peaks , which fits its Archie comic nature like a close-fisted angora sweater, its firmly in the habit of reveals like My So-Called Life and Veronica Mars. You know, where fresh-faced juveniles want what they cant have.

Betty Cooper( Lili Reinhart) and Veronica Lodge( Camilla Mendez) both only happen to passion the same thought: Archie Andrews( KJ Apa ), a classical shy-but-silent jock with a Baz Luhrmann dye job. Jughead Jones( Cole Sprouse) will do anything it takes to keep the town drive-in open, the kind of residence where they show a double feature of Reservoir Dogs and Easy Rider on a Saturday night.

But the only person in municipality who seems to be going what the hell is crave is Kevin Keller( Casey Cott ). While other reputations in Riverdale wait by their telephone for that certain someone to call, Kevin has something to say when it sounds. During the substantiates pilot, the teenage facilitates a hookup with a closeted jock appointed Moose( although one premises not legally so ), whom Kevin claims is every inch of his name. The two share an clandestine skinny dip. Kevin would be living his best life, if not for the fact that the two uncover a dead body during their moonlight tryst.

Riverdale flip-flop the dialogue on the category by making Kevin the only being in a 50 -mile radius with a healthy, developed fornication life. Archie has a bad fantasy with Miss Grundy( Sarah Habel ), a music teach who is about 30 years and one impending statutory rape belief collected from the priggish old maid of the comics. While their classmates fornication it up, lesbian characters in youth-oriented dramas very rarely get to enjoy the perks of has become a teen. The homosexual BFF is a snappy dresser and ready with a sassy one-liner, but he rarely goes his Molly Ringwald moment. He might get a two-second kiss with his longtime beau in season 3–faces crushed together to suggest intimacy–before producers cut to black.

To mention a catchy quantity from fellow CW substantiate Crazy Ex-Girlfriend : You know the trope/ in storytelling its a norm. TV Tropes announces it But Not Too Gay. To avoid the wrath of censors, LGBTQ personas in prime-time TV are generally as chaste as bingo nighttime at the local convent. The gays dont get to have much fun. In its first few seasons, Glee s Kurt( Chris Colfer) was too busy fending off academy bullies to get some. Seasons after Cam( Eric Stonestreet) and Mitchell( Jesse Tyler Ferguson) are eventually allowed to kiss on Modern Family , love still wonder whether the peculiar pair isnt privately cosplaying The War of the Roses .

LGBTQ woos on displays as varied as Gossip Girl , True Blood , Brooklyn Nine-Nine , Ugly Betty , and The Wire never got the screen hour allotted to their straight equivalents. Tara and Willow hugged a lot on Buffy the Vampire Slayer , and author Joss Whedon had to threaten to leave the depict to get the network to allow the couple to kiss. Game of Thrones liberally depicts women being sexually assaulted, but when it comes to the male bedroom partnership with Oberyn Martell( Pedro Pascal ), a pansexual libertine, many of the raunchiest minutes are implied.

If gay sees have been waiting for some equal opportunity boom boom pow, Riverdale is ready to let them get in on the action. The prove, been developed by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa( Carrie ), is knowing when it comes to homosexual teenage stereotypes and treats Kevins storyline with a meta glint. When the specific characteristics is first introduced, Veronicaa rich daughter looking for a fresh start at her new institution after her Bernie Madoff-like parent is imprisonedloudly proclaims that she and Kevin are destined for Will and Graceland. Lets be best friends, she suggests. As if to further call attention the archetype, aim girl Cheryl Blossom( Madelaine Petsch) requests Kevin if the gay BFF is still a event in a later occurrence.

From the first second hes on-screen, its clear Kevin isnt your usual sexless chum. Snooping on Bettys comely next door neighbor, Archie, through the describe draperies, he commentaries that our crimson-coiffed hero went red-hot. Should you be wondering if the moment is a reference to Hitchcock, a space is never exactly a opening in Riverdale . If theres any analysi of the demonstrate to be had, its that Aguirre-Sacasa grows the pastiche up to 11.

Straight male references have gotten to be horny since the boys of Porkys detected the glee of the gloryhole, but its frankly revolutionary to picture a homosexual teens devouring libido dealt with at the same solemn admiration. Kevin gets more activity than a toilet seat. After sharing a too-long search with a fellow theatergoer on the night of the drive-ins last hurrah, the two are making out just minutes later. The minor even gets the talk from his father–who simply wants his son to be safe while hes conveying his age-appropriate counsels. The two discuss the dos and donts of cruising. Boys like Archie get to talk about their sexuality lives on Tv all the time, but the Kevins of the world never do.

Kevin, a fan favourite from the comics, is nothing short of a discovery, and it would be alluring to say theres never been a character fairly like him. This is both true and not true. Television has been realise great strides in recent years to allow LGBTQ people to have fully realized lives, whether thats inside or outside of the bedroom.

Shonda Rhimes, the woman behind every present you adore, has been a trailblazer for depicting gay friendship with unflinching honest. Rhimes has brought us complex, three-dimensional, same-sex relationships on appearances like Greys Anatomy and Scandal , and she has claimed her formula is easy. There are no gay incidents, she tweeted responding to a viewer complaint about the frequent bouts of interracial sodomy on How to Get Away With Murder . There are scenes with people in them. Starring Viola Davis as a high-powered law professor, Murder likewise brought us videos first male-on-male analingus. Conservative groups withdrew to their respective fainting chairs, but the evidences ratings have yet to suffer.

The realistic and even seductive intercourse on establishes like Transparent and Looking show weve emanated a long way in a decade. Noah and Luke, the resident lesbian supercouple on As the World Turns , attained headlines when they shared their first smooch in 2007. But after that kiss, the two expend a lot of season exchanging longing looks–which isnt exactly what all those headless torsos are looking for on Grindr. Followers held a kitty to see how long it would be before their lips were reunited. If your answer was 211 daytimes in between smooches, you prevailed. Congratulations.

Television, though, still has a lot of work to do when it comes to treating same-sex intimacy not as a inhibition but a fact of life. On shows like Girls , Youre the Worst , Broad City , and Westworld , the sexuality between its heterosexual personas is a default, the logical , no-big-deal judgment of meet at a rail and going home together or acquiring a charity robot from a futuristic theme park. The happening that Jessa( Jemima Kirke) and Adam( Adam Driver) have so much better copulation that it alienates their friends is treated as a comic nuisance but nothing out of the ordinary for two self-absorbed 20 -somethings wholive in Brooklyn, New York.

Riverdale s randy gay teenager is certainly groundbreaking, but the real progress “il come when” Kevin taking a dip with a stupidly nicknamed jock no longer seems like a big deal.

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Ethics Chief Who Battled Trump Administration Announces Resignation

WASHINGTON Walter Shaub Jr., who announced Thursday that he willresign as director of the Office of Government Ethics, told CBS News that PresidentDonald Trumps businesses present the appearance of profiting from his tenure in the White House.

Reporter Julianna Goldman asked Shaub, Do you think the president and his family are using the office to enrich themselves?

I cant know what their intention is, Shaub answered. I know that the effect is that theres an appearance that the businesses are profiting from his occupying the presidency. And appearance matters as much as reality. So even aside from whether or not thats actually happening, we need to send a message to the world that the United States is gonna have the gold standard for an ethics program in government, which is what weve always had.

Shaub added that it almost doesnt matter if the Trump family is or isnt making financial gains.

America should have the right to know what the motivations of its leaders are, and they need to know that financial interests, personal financial interests, arent among them, he said.

The clip below, which aired Thursday evening, is part of a longer interview with Shaub. CBS News will run another portion on Friday morning.

Shaub is planning to jointhe Campaign Legal Center, a nonprofit that works on voting rights and campaign finance issues.

His resignation, effective July 19,marks the culmination of a months-long battle between the federal governments top ethics official and Trump, who once promised to drain the swamp of corruption in Washington.

In his resignation statement, Shaub appeared to be sending a message to the White House.He quoted federal law, praising ethics officials for their commitment to protectingthe principle that public service is a public trust, requiring employees to place loyalty to the Constitution, the laws, and ethical principles above private gain. Shaub said he was not pressured to resign, according to The New York Times.

The White House said itaccepts Mr. Shaubs resignation and appreciates his service. Thestatementadded that the President will be nominating a successor in short order.

The Office of Government Ethics, which was created in the wake of the Watergate scandal, typically works closely with presidential administrations to resolve possible conflicts of interest. But Shaub, who joined the ethics office as an attorney during the George W. Bush administration and was appointed director by Barack Obama, struggled to connect with the Trump transition team after the election. At one point, he resorted to sending out a series of desperate-sounding tweets to get Trumps attention.

Trumpannounced in January that he would give control of his business empire to his adult sons, becoming the first president in the modern era to refuse to divest or separate himself from holdings with potential conflicts. Shaub sharply criticized the plan for failing to meet the standard that every president of the past four decades has met.

In his CBS News interview, Shaub also addressed the claim by Trump lawyer Sheri Dillon at a January press conference that if Trump sold off his assets, that would greatly diminish the value of the assets and create a fire sale.

I have no sympathy for that, Shaub told CBS. Hes in a position where hes going to have to send young men and women to die in combat, potentially, or risk their lives at least. Theyre paying a much higher price. So no, its not too much to ask for somebody to incur a bit of a financial loss if they have to sell things off.

Shaub, whose term was set to end in 2018, persisted in trying to do his job under the Trump administration, becoming something of an unlikely bureaucratic hero. When White House counselor Kellyanne Conway urged Fox News viewers to buy products from Ivanka Trumps fashion line in February a pitch that appeared to flagrantly violate federal ethics rules Shaub told the White Housethat disciplinary action was warranted. (The White House didnt follow his advice.)

OGE

Walter Shaub Jr., director of the Office of Government Ethics, announced Thursday that he will resign.

Trump also nominated people with enormously complex financial holdings to key Cabinet positions. Reince Priebus, Trumps chief of staff, tried to publicly blame Shaubs office for the slow rate at which the White House was filling key positions. But Shaub noted that some of the Trump administrations nominees pushed back against the governments ethics requirements with a ferocity weve not previously seen.

Another clash with Shaubs office came after it directed officialsin Aprilto release information about ethics waivers that may have been granted to former lobbyists working in the Trump administration. Instead, the White House questioned the OGEs legal authority to request the informationand sought to stay the inquiry. (The OGE does not conduct investigations or have enforcement power.) This action drew a lengthy response from Shaub, who declined to suspend the ethics inquiry, calling the requesthighly unusual.

Shaub said that he didnt believe there was much more I could accomplish at the Office of Government Ethics, given the current situation, according to The New York Times, and that the timing was right for his departure.His new position with the nonprofit group, he reportedly said, will allow him to openly advocate for government ethics reforms.

Trump will have the opportunity to appoint a new OGE director and shape the office in his image, a move that is sure to trouble Democrats worried about conflicts of interest in the Trump administration.

This article has been updated with more details about Shaubs resignation and with his remarks to CBS News.

Chris DAngelo contributed to this report.

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A few weeks ago, Dries Buytaert, founder of the popular open-source CMS Drupal, asked Larry Garfield, a prominent Drupal contributor and long-time member of the Drupal community, to leave the Drupal project. Why did he do this? He refuses to say. A huge furor has erupted in response not least because the reason clearly has much to do with Garfields unconventional sex life.

More specifically, Garfield is into BDSM. Even more specifically, hes a member of the Gor community, an outr subculture of an outr subculture, one built around a series of thirty-odd books by John Norman which are, basically, John Carter of Mars meets Fifty Shades of Grey. Essentiallyas I understand ita community who are interested in, and/or participate in, elaborate (consensual!) sexual subjugation fantasies, in which men are inherently superior to women. I know all this because of Garfields lengthy public response to his ouster, self-deprecatingly titled TMI about me:

Yes, I am one of those people Despite the total lack of evidence that alternative lifestyle cultures offer any harm to anyone, there is still a great deal of prejudice and bigotry regarding it someone, I do not know who, stumbled across my profile on a private, registration-required website for alternative-lifestyle people that information made it to the Community Working Group (CWG), who concluded there was no code of conduct violation present for [them] to take any action on in my first contact with Dries, he asked me to step down from Drupal Drupal has been the cornerstone of my career for the past nearly 12 years Dries wouldnt budge on me leaving, including making it clear that it wasnt an option, but an instruction informing me that Id been summarily dismissed from my position as track chair and as a speaker at DrupalCon, per [my] conversation with Dries here I am, being bullied, harassed, and excluded because of my personal activities, which I dont even publicize much less advocate for in tech circles.

Buytaert (who is also co-founder and CTO of Acquia, a Drupal platform which has raised ~$175 million over the years and has been struggling to IPO for a few years now) retorts:

when a highly-visible community members private views become public, controversial, and disruptive for the project, I must consider the impact all people are created equally. [sic] I cannot in good faith support someone who actively promotes a philosophy that is contrary to this any association with Larrys belief system is inconsistent with our projects goals I recused myself from the Drupal Associations decision [to dismiss Garfield from his conference role] Many have rightfully stated that I havent made a clear case for the decision I did not make the decision based on the information or beliefs conveyed in Larrys blog post.

Sigh. This sad mess is something of a perfect storm of Code of Conduct conflicts. It is one which raises a number of interesting questions. It also raises several quite boring ones, so lets get them out of the way:

Does this matter? (Isnt this just prurient clickbait?)

Is it OK for an open-source community to ban/ostracize a member for being involved in BDSM, or other forms of unconventional but consensual adult sexual behavior?

More generally, is it OK for an open-source community to ban/ostracize a member purely because their belief system perhaps better described as a complicated fantasy milieu in which they happen to spend their personal time was doxxed?

These questions are boring not because they are unimportant, but because the answers are so obvious: yes (no), hell no, and hell no.

Ill unpack the first: open-source communities/projects are crucially important to many peoples careers and professional lives cf the cornerstone of my career so who they allow and deny membership to, and how their codes of conduct are constructed and followed, is highly consequential.

I really, really hope I dont have to unpack the two hell nos. But in case I do, let me quote this excellent blog post from Nadia Eghbal:

In the past, Dries mightve kicked Larry out because BDSM is a threat to family values. Today, leaders like Dries kick Larry out because BDSM is a threat to gender equality. Unfortunately, the end result is the same Beliefs are not actions. We cannot persecute people for what they believe, no matter how much it disgusts us, and simultaneously maintain a free and open democracy If diversity is our dogma, call me spiritual, not religious. I still pray for the same things as you, but I wont be at the witch trials.

Which is brilliantly put and I hope settles the previous questions. However. The Garfield Situation also raises two questions which are far more complex and interesting:

Under what circumstances, and via what kind of due process, is it OK for communities to publicly condemn people for secret reasons?

Is it OK to ban/ostracize community members for (legal) behavior which occurs entirely outside the community?

Obviously sometimes organizational decisions have to be made based on information that must remain confidential, for legal or ethical reasons. But if youre making such a decision, you really have to do so in the right way. What is the right way?

Probably something close to the opposite of what Buytaert and the Drupal Association did. Even if their decision was correct, which currently seems at best suspect, their complete lack of process transparency, and Buytaerts vaguely worded hinting-without-really-saying-anything statement, makes it very hard to have any faith in it.

Their accusations are so vague nonexistent non-accusations, really that Dries & co. could surely have told the community substantially more (indeed, anything) about Garfields problematic behavior, if any, without revealing sensitive information. For instance, they could have said theyd received reports of threats, harassment, or coercion by Garfield, if any such reports existed. They have said nothing of the sort.

(For what its worth, a well-informed source of mine reports: Its worth noting that a handful of women who worked with Larry did not report harassment or abuse from him in the workplace. We cant know for sure if he committed offenses, but if there were allegations or even rumors of his mistreatment of women we would be having a very different conversation right now.)

They could also have cited which elements of the Drupal Code of Conduct he violated, if any. They have not done so but theyve expelled him anyhow. Isnt that Code of Conduct, and its associated Conflict Resolution Policy, supposed to be what dictates the rules of behavior and interaction in the community? Doesnt overruling that written code with arbitrary decisions made for secret reasons reveal that in practice it is an irrelevance with no actual weight or importance?

I reached out to Buytaert in the hope of clarification; he did not respond.

Its hard not to get the impression, from the little that we do know, and the manner in which it has been miscommunicated, that whats actually deemed unacceptable here is that Garfields kink has spilled outside of his personal life i.e. that his real sin is that he was doxxed. Which, as noted, is firmly in hell no territory.

It is of course entirely possible that this impression is incorrect, and that Buytaert and the Drupal Association have done the right thing. But they have offered no evidence, no arguments, and no reasons for their decision. It seems obvious to me that they have a moral obligation to their community to do so. You cant ban people without at least sketching the outline of what it is they did wrong. Just trust us is not enough

especially since it also seems possible that the CTO and co-founder of a heavily funded pre-IPO company has participated in expelling a man from what his been his professional community for the last twelve years, ignoring that communitys own Code of Conduct and Conflict Resolution Policy, because it was decided he was guilty of, essentially, thoughtcrime; that no real accusations have been made, and no allegations of problematic behavior have been cited, because none such exist.

A third plausible scenario, based on the tea leaves of Buytaerts phrase actively promotes, is that Garfield has been banned for expressing views outside the Drupal community which are deemed unacceptable inside. This is not a new issue in the open-source world: I wrote about it last year, in the context of Curtis Yarvin and Opalgate:

Should communities accept people who hold repugnant views, as long as they dont express them within that community? Or should they be expelled, because its assumed that their views influence their community work in a negative way, or because their presence makes other people feel unsafe?

Personally, both answers make me feel deeply uneasy. Humans are messy, complex, and contradictory; human interactions are that squared; the results are so complex and context-sensitive that they often need to be judged on a case-by-case basis, rather than by any hard-and-fast rule.

although in those cases, the views in question were clearly expressed publicly, not privately, and were not intended as part of any BDSM fantasy world. Does that apply here? Who knows? Certainly not the Drupal community.

Its impossible to judge the Garfield situation, because all we are permitted to know is that it has been prejudged for us, by people who refuse to tell us anything about either their evidence or their decision process. It is, however, very easy to judge whether the people who have made and communicated this decision are, by the way they have done so, actually serving their community. And that answer is, once again, Im sorry to say: hell no.

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Im A Millennial Republican And Im Sick Of All The Crying

Let me start by asking: do you remember a time when ones political leanings were a topic kept wholly and unequivocally private? I do. I remember when it was uncouth, improper, and just plain rude to ask someone who they voted for and why outside of intimate family and loved ones. Do you want to know why that was such an excellent practice? Because it didnt drive a stake between you, me, and everyone else. At the end of the day, your take on abortion, on the death penalty, on civil rights these are the innermost things about you. They are very personal opinions. This is part of the reason I am so against the liberal attitude. I dont feel the need to scream my opinions from every abstract rooftop I can find, gathering people to my cause. I also dont feel the need to cast people from my proverbial Olympus when they have (the audacity) to disagree with me or my causes. This past year has been a media circus and a shitshow. Ive long gone quiet as members of my party are painted as racists, bigots, and terrible people. It wasnt enough that the silent majority showed up on Election Day and blew your minds to say were here, were relevant, the Republican personality is still constantly under fire.

I am a young, female Republican that has voted for candidates from both major political parties. And I didnt make that decision blanketed in the ignorance of privilege. Privilege, especially racial privilege, is part of my life certainly. But I have suffered personally the way everyone suffers. And that is an important piece of knowledge to remember. Everyone comes from struggle. No one has a perfect life. Since when did the national currency become sympathy and pity? I have zero let me reiterate ZERO interest in playing the who had the worse life game with people my age. Because, believe me, I could play hardball if I wanted to about individual suffering. But I enjoy my privacy, and my dirty laundry is, unfortunately, none of your business. My struggle is not why people should notice me and remember my life. My sad story doesnt chalk up my measure of relevance. How about my sense of humor? My undying loyalty? My work ethic? Those are the things I want celebrated. Not the fact that Ive survived what Ive survived. And because Ive lived through real trauma, I want that to be the thing that defines me least. Todays democrat seems to be a card carrying member in the belief of youre only as good as what youve overcome, when theyre also championing the hope that one day, no one will have to overcome anything.

I voted for Donald Trump. Not out of choice, but out of necessity. Thats who my party chose as its representative. And, sorry to say it DNC, your party didnt bring a valuable player to the table. Im not going to be star-spangled thrilled for Hillary just because we share the common biological fact of both owning uteruses. Do I LIKE Donald Trump? No, I think hes a big mouth who says stupid things and isnt representative character of what I believe a president should be. But neither was Hillary Clinton. And neither was Barack Obama. In the light of no choice, I made one in the voting booth rather than being inactive.And maybe this is hard for whoever holds the position of POTUS, but I swear to God, there needs to be a stop on the current Commander in Chief rolling over like a pig in shit over the celebrity of the position. Youre not a celebrity you are much, much more than that. Youre our face to the rest of the world. Not a fucking actor or someone who shakes their shit on stage for my amusement. Youre not a star, youre a country. Thats the job you signed up for. Not appearing on fucking Between Two Ferns. Not creating photo ops of you shooting hoops with Steph Curry. Youre more than a meme and more than a dad joke. Act like it. Do you know why I didnt vote for Hillary Clinton? Because she was so goddamn condescending. What, because Im in my twenties, and youre parading Jay-Z and Beyonces endorsement in my face, thats it? Vote won? I dont fucking think so. The absolute last thing I am concerned about when it comes to a president is who star-studded, ZERO political acumen Los-fucking-Angeles is voting for. If the 1% of people who are so removed from financial burden, from prejudice, from hardship of any kind, thinks youre the end all be all of White House potential thats a major red flag for me. The American public and the American millennial is so much more than our likes on Facebook and what we read on Buzzfeed. And if thats not obvious to you, then youre not my candidate. Stop bumping tits with Katy Perry go to fucking Wisconsin.

Socially, Im a liberal person. I love the LGBT and queer community, and they should have every opportunity and every right to be happy in this world, whatever that may be. I believe in racial equality. Just because your ancestors were born closer to the equator than mine (because thats exactly what difference in skin color is) is a non-fucking-entity and should be treated as such. As a professional woman fighting to find a place in corporate America, Im definitely a feminist. I believe women of any and all races are capable, smart, better than the female stereotype, and a million other wonderful things. And you can keep your abortions, too, because I think theyre a necessity for people in special cases. But that doesnt mean abortions are for me. Were literally arguing a matter of life or death here, and just in case the sign-slinging left is wrong when we all meet our maker, Id rather not fall on that side of the line. Our welfare system is a broken, shell of a thing that doesnt find the people that need it and allows itself to be taken advantage of by far too many. I believe in a right to bear arms, because as a survivor of rape and someone who lives in a big city, theres no way Im going through that shit a second time. I believe in a capitalist country where the ceiling is only as high as you settle for, for individual instances of prosperity. The economy is a balancing act, and the more Obama poured his efforts into urban centers (his voters shocker), the more the working class in Middle America suffered.

To me, the prime segregator between a millennial voter of opposing parties boils down to one thing attitude. Far too many people today have their hands out for what they can get for as little effort as possible. Far too many people are bleeding hearts for every sob story. The modern democrat isnt waging a war against Donald Trump, theyre waging a war against a persons choice to be an asshole. If I want to be selfish with the money Ive earned and see as much of it possible in my paycheck, I have that right. If I choose to be uncaring about whatever cause and its GoFundMe than youve posted, thats okay, too. And you can turn your nose up at it as much as you want, but it doesnt stop it from being true. Newsflash, enlightened NYC hipster you are not the only people that exist. Just because you majored in philosophy at Fordham doesnt mean youre some renaissance man. Its fucking disgusting to paint a Republican as uneducated. I have a Masters Degree, and you can suck on it. In their efforts to be a social media vigilante for every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a struggle, the democrats have become the bullies. Theyll shame, troll, and shit on anyone who doesnt think Bernie Sanders is the fucking Messiah. In their efforts to encircle everyone in their warm, squishy embrace, theyve fleshed out an entire stereotype against 304 electoral districts worth of voters. The tables have turned youre the assholes, now. Youre no better than the Duck Dynasty backwater racists you paint most Republicans to be. Ripping down blue ribbons for law enforcement, Facebook status making, weeping on the picket line, crying on each others shoulders in the auditorium, straight up assholes. My struggle doesnt define me. My shortcomings are not my identifiers. I dont need your pity. And when I need your support, Ill ask for it.In the modern Democrats mission for extreme tolerance, theyve become the alienators. So pull your head out of your ass, young blowhard. Take a look around. Its never going to be Kumbaya for the masses. There is no safe space.

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