#- adjusting to being more by myself
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been trying out a new writing technique recently and it's called chilling tf out and reminding myself that fic is written for fun.
#making a little joke but also being genuinely serious#with my merwaincelot wip i've embraced having little overviews in brackets for what i want to happen#but idk how to write it just yet#if i'm feeling stuck or bored#and if i'm getting tired or the idea of writing an ending is getting overwhelming then i just call it a day and do something else#and yeah it's taking longer to write things (perhaps gone are the days when i wrote and posted a fic in the same night)#but it's working wonders with my brain#and it's amazing how as soon as i relax i get hit with several new ideas#just trying to adjust my thinking in that projects over a long period of time are not something to worry about#like i'm also planning a knitting project that i'll be doing well into september#(mainly bc yarn is expensive and my needs are hella specific)#but that's okay!#not everything has to be done and dusted immediately!#i'm glad i took a break from writing and i think it did do me good but damn i'm happy to be back#and enjoy still learning how to get even more out of my hobby#but anyway i'm just feeling a lil proud of myself today so#lit talks#personal
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I haven't really done much art for tumblr (at all) lately, cus life, but! Here's a lil something I've been working on (it's a Xmas gift) 💙
(also peep that lil January calendar painting 👀 i did mini squares for each month for myself, because I need to have a physical one always, and they each have their own colour 🥺)
#sometimes i forget i'm a painter lol#this is just the base so i'll still add some cool stuff (colours and some gold leaf details hehe)#usually my thing is more flat/less busy painting (with more mixed media) but i've been digging this vibe lately#my art account is completely wiped cus i private everything earlier this year (same with personal)#but i wanna start posting again. not just old stuff but actually *make* something new everyday#like a little challenge i suppose#since i'm not currently working in my field and have being going through a bit of a rough adjustment period about ✨things✨#(plus the whole depresh spiraling)#i barely have been making any art at all that isn't just sketches/silly stuff#i miss painting. i miss making murals and working on an actual project etc#now that *some * things have been settled AND i finally have my own space i feel a lot more keen on working on it#i know i hardly ever talk about that part of my private life cus i do wanna keep it somewhat separate from here#but i guess i'm in a good mood and kinda ready to admit some stuff#??? that didn't make sense#i'm feeling hopeful for next year and have a semblance of a plan. That's what I meant there you go#i can already feel myself cringe cus everytime i share these type of things something ALWAYS bites my ankles#and that's why i hardly ever share anything at all with anyone ever until it actually is done or underway#which is! not good! i'm aware! but. ya know#ANYWAYS. rant over. look at the pretty colours and ignore my rambles#hmmmm my band crush guy (platonic) (guess who) (🕊️🥁) said my name and loved my super insightful question and i'll probably dream about it#(and the other really liked it too. MY BABE. it was kinda silly so very unexpected)#(okay i think this is buried deep enough to not make myself look like a 12 with a stupid crush) (hehehehehe)#darya does art#<- sure in the art tag it goes#blue#(it was a coincidence! i've never done anything exclusively blue before actually!) (in this capacity i mean)#traditional art#abstract painting
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And the kiss! (in addition to this)
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I'm not tagging this because the tags are just me rambling about my thoughts on what a says here. I guess it could be t/w/c critical? But barely I think lol.
#i was gonna put it on the same post as the other#but it didn't fit#and i'm going to ramble a bit in these tags#i still don't know how i feel about this scene#the kiss itself? love it#i don't think a is above sharing a ~moment~#but the “i cannot allow you to fall in love with me” is...huh?#why would you say that? what kind of sense does that make?💀#the thing that solidified my confusion at having a say that was the scene with the detective's bff - specifically if it's n#a will tell n this:#“but love…it is a weakness in my armour. i cannot allow that. if someone were to find that weakness and exploit it...”#“you know I have experienced that once already.”#and THAT makes sense#a's desire to be a knight is what shifted their duties to their sister#and a's love for her - for their family - is what feuled them into challenging the lord who then kills them all#so a repressing their emotions and being almost fearful of their love for the detective and their desire to be with them#makes sense as the reason why a pushes the detective away#so wouldn't saying “i cannot allow myself to fall in love with you” align with that more?#during my first read of b3 i thought it was a typo lol#but then i saw that there's an option where the detective can say “this is just flirting and what comes next would just be a kiss”#thats paraphrasing of course#but yeah the detective can basically go “its not that deep”💀#so a saying that was on purpose and i don't really understand why#i mean obviously they think they aren't worthy of the detective's love#but idk man it just feels weird to me😭#i'm adjusting it in my mind ngl otherwise zuri would back way off#because she isn't quite there yet lmao she knows she has feelings but she isn't calling it love rn#her response would just be her on the defense and deflecting and downplaying#which sucks because she's completely down for a moment at that point#it hurts more than she expects but she's down because she also thinks he shouldn't fall in love with her
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being traumatized is crazy. ive been living in the same metaphorical home in my mind for the past 22 years and i am finally moving out and now that im moving out im looking at that old home in my mind and im going "oh my god the floorboards are rotting out there are leaks everywhere the ceiling is caving in theres black mold theres roaches in the walls how did i live like this for so long and not realize something was direly direly wrong" but it is because that house was all i have known. the maladaptive coping mechanisms and the incredibly fucked up rewiring of my brain is all ive known for 22 years and im only just now realizing how deep it goes
#txtpst#was talking to my therapist about it like being traumatized means viewing the entire world through the filter of trauma#i was only ever taught that things are painful or based in power / manipulation. normal hurdles for others are like Fucking Warzones for me#which is very obvious but not something i thought to apply to myself because i thought i was very well adjusted despite the trauma.#turns out the further that i go into my brain the more im like 'what the fuck is wrong with me'#and now i have to figure out how to not hyper moralize that like. maladaption. like how to not feel like it makes me an evil person. scary
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I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard
#i have to operate under the assumption that if people have an issue they will tell me but unfortunately this isnt true .#and it has happened to me in the past that i thought everything was ok because people were giving signals i wasnt picking up on#due to the autism so now im paranoid and constantly looking for signs i did something wrong and people are mad#and then i find them where they arent there which perversely does more to ruin a friendship than almost anything else#like the constant Are you mad at me... so i try to force myself not to do that and just#try to again assume that people arent however. im so worried about being blindsided Also of course i naturally dont want to make people#upset so if i am doing something wrong i want to change my behavior. however the fact its nuanced like#where you have to only do that a little bit and then take people at their word most of the time#fucking sucks like you actually are required in relationships to read peoples unspoken signals but you cant do that Too much#and if you misinterpet them its bad... but you cant ask for feedback too much because thats bad too. IT DOES MY HEAD IN actually like#it makes it so hard for me to interact with people because im just worried All of the time . and i have to be constantly like#ok check the facts and adjust behavior. check the facts and adjust behavior. make sure the facts are facts and not jumping to conclusions.#ok how do i do that . ok when do i ask directly. also people dont always tell the truth when you Do ask directly .#and then this is why my whole life i have mostly kept to myself and im trying to stop doing that but its hard because talking to others is a#puzzle for me that stresses me out more than anything else. man this sucksssssss can i just BE NORMAL!!!!!!#i know like Everyone has this problem its a common issue with relationships Communication but it feels especislly difficult for me .i#like cant fathom how other people manage very large numbers of friendships like even being able to count my close friends#on one hand i feel like im barely managing everything and im letting everyone down constantly but again i think thatsnonly my perception/#worry and not even true. god
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#i don't really like my program thus far and i'm struggling to tell if it's just an adjustment period and i'll like it later#last time i was in grad school i LOVED my program and my cohort and was immediately SO happy once i'd started#in this one thus far i just feel stressed and anxious and at odds with my classmates#but maybe it's because i'm under a lot more financila stress than last time i was in grad school?#due to my job situation is worse and i live in a much more expensive area#maybe i would like it if i didn't have to work retail at the same time as reading 500 pages of theory per week#i just catch myself feeling so jealous when i talk to my friends about their lives and they seem settled and happy and i hate that feeling!!#how horrible to have no friends and no money and no teacher mentors and also customers are mean to you#and i hate being a bitter shrew about the aforementioned happiness of other people!#normally that would be such a red flag for me that i need to make a change quickly but i don't think that's really practical in this context#i'm hoping i'll adjust and come around to it#personal nonsense
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#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
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2022 - 2023 has been such a traumatizing and painful time period for me. I say this every year, but I’m going to work extra hard investing into myself and my craft!
Learning to write has been such a fulfilling outlet so far and I really hope to have something complete to show for at the end of this journey. I have to remind myself that picking up new skills is a process and every step forward is a step to improvement!
I’ve always dreamed of being able to tell stories and I really want this year to be the year I make that happen.
#im constantly worried that the work i produce is bad or that ppl are secretly judging my stories and ideas#but i need to have more faith in myself#as long as im happy with what i create nothing else should matter#because the process stops being fun when im adjusting my own tastes to others#i have so much baggage abt art and social anxiety but i gotta learn to own it
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Thinking about this time last year when life was rough. mom was sick. had a breakdown at the hospital and walked around the parking garage for an hour thinking about throwing myself off.
Today was good. slept in. Chinese food with the family. Everyone is happy. Probably the happiest birthday I’ve had in years. Thankful for medication. Thankful for my family. for my new kitten and for noodles and pistachio pudding and coffee. going to see Sonic 3 in an hour. Nosferatu in the morning.
Despite everything, happy to be alive.
#NEVER KILL YOURSELF!#don’t get me wrong. life is still very rough and sad and painful and my health is HORRIBLE#but still we persist#compared to where I was a year ago I am miles more adjusted#last year at this time my mom had just had an organ transplant and it was very touch and go. very scary#even said my goodbyes at one point fully expecting her to pass#my mental health was terrible#basically taking care my two teenage brothers while she was in the hospital. in a shitty apartment. shitty time of year.#my family later told me they really thought I was going to Off myself. which… definitely was a possibility 😬#again I’m not saying life is perfect. far from it. but I’m in a much better place now#first birthday in a long time where I’m not dreading growing older#I’m old!#I’m like full on dad age#hey let me be your cool uncle. not in a creepy way.#hey that’s another reason I’ve been in a good mood#got to spend time with my niece & nephew the other day and it was great. I love being an uncle. seeing kids grow up is so cool.#makes the future look a little more hopeful#okay this is too much information. too mushy.#you can ignore this#text
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with the year coming to a close, i hope that anyone who's reflecting about how the year went remembers to be kind and fair to themselves with how you evaluate the year as a whole.
i think there are definitely times when life throws things that are... Not So Great at you. whether if it's some external circumstance that surprised you, or maybe your mentality wasn't at it's best. i wish for anyone who's encountered those kinds of challenges to be able to triumph over them and be able to say that they got through it.
heck, it might still be a work in progress even though you've kept chipping away at it, and that's ok! the results will show themselves eventually as you work through it! and i hope that we can all remember to be patient with ourselves as we go through these processes (learning, healing, etc.), because damn, it can be frustrating when you feel like you're "not there yet."
knowing that life can be rough at times, i think it's unfair to yourself (and others) to discount and downplay any progress you've made this year- whether if it's something that you did for the first time, or maybe you came to a new understanding and insight that you didn't have in the previous year.
it's not to say that you should undermine the validity of your experience with hardship, but to take the time to remind yourself what makes life worth living. to recall what moments were the most satisfying to you- and use it to strengthen your resolve for the next year and beyond. no amount of hardship will ever take away from the fact that you deserve to have hope that things will get better.
i hope that looking back on the year, you don't leave out the things you cherish. that you can remember the good that came this year. whether if the small victories are things like meeting someone new, trying something out for the first time, or making some strides in a long-term project/obligation...!
i wish everyone a happy new year! may it be prosperous, and that your life can move in a direction that's close to what you want out of life. you're all going to do great! remember to congratulate yourself for what you did well! despite everything, you're still here, and that's wonderful. never forget that!
#lizzy speaks#hello everyone. i know that there are *checks calendar* still 20 days left of december and 2023#but i've had a lot of strong emotions and feelings i've had to sort through as i've been thinking about how 2023 went for me#so a lot of what i've written here comes from the perspective of someone in their early 20s#it's like... a crash and burn from when you were a teenager thinking that you know everything#and realizing how big the world is and how many responsibilities there are#all while a feeling of overwhelm looms over as you try to sift your way through the world and adjust your understanding of it#for me i've definitely had an underlying thought that 'you should have your shit together by now why aren't you there yet'#and it's! not motivating! at all! to think that way. and it's made me more than ever want to be a friend to myself. to extend a patient-#kind voice to myself that reminds me that others are also trying to navigate these feelings and to accept that i'm not going to have an-#instantaneous understanding of how one goes about adulthood. and neither will they. even if they look 'put together.'#like... these people have also undergone similar stresses and along the way figured out how to navigate through that space#and personally i've found peace in knowing that there are people who are older than me. trusting that they've dealt with these things too i#some shape or form and that them living... being here.. is proof that we shall be fine in the end and that we will move past what plagues-#our mind. there's definitely been some... anger i've had this year that. school didnt teach me these things or skills!! i was so mad lol#but hey if we are little guys who are living on planet earth for the first time we shouldn't condemn ourselves to an unrealistic standard-#of going through life and being able to instantly do everything 'correctly' and know how everything works#i'm still working on improving that patience... and also trying to put in the work to understand these things.#in the midst of a very tough week for me i was tempted to say that 'nothing happened this year it was not productive'#but then i was like. that's. objectively not true if you just look at other things. also theres worth in life outside of 'productivity'#...i think i passed 20 tags at this point. but like. my favorite thing about 2023 was meeting so many cool awesome people!#who would've known that funny lil squid game could bring so many connections and friendships i cherish!#thank you so much! for being a part of my life and changing me for the better! for giving me many fond memories!#and i'm very grateful to anyone who supported me and my art this year... for sticking around even though i wished i could do more#it means the world to me knowing that there's proof that i exist and have touched someone's life in a positive way! thank you! truly!#ANYWAY. happy early new year. i hope everyone can nourish a friend in their head that extends acceptance and patience to themselves#as we try and make sense of the world together. there will be things that we don't understand yet! but one day we will! and it'll be like#wow! look how far i came! i'm okay! i'm alive! yipee! thank you for reading this post i made to get my feelings out! have a nice day!
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I wouldn't trade my time with my fiance for anything in the world but I do recognize that my vibes have deteriorated significantly ever since we started dating. I really have a much worse relationship with myself now (not his fault at all, and it's very paradoxical because I've never received more praise and unconditional attention/love than I have from him) and I spend almost no time on my own hobbies or generally just improving myself because I spend literally all my free time with him or talking to him or thinking about him. He always tries to encourage me to go out and do my own thing but in the end I'm far too codependent and there's really no going back on that. I'm hopeful that once we can live together my anxieties around abandonment/loneliness will dissipate and I can finally start cultivating a better self. But wow I just really wish things could be simpler :/
#don't get me wrong I had a lotttt of issues before we started dating that he has helped me solve#And I feel like I'm more well adjusted in a lot of ways so I think that's why I'm so boring and not as interesting/edgy -_-#I take fewer risks with my life now and I'm no longer dependent on any substances#I don't sexualize myself like I used to etc etc. Lots of things associated with being 'fun'#That don't really apply to me anymore
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craving the touch of teeth on skin
#cicisays#hate being a bottom#just thinking about fangs being dragged across my throat is enough to get me going#the stinging and gnashing of teeth#groaning and shuddering#out of fear and anticipation#eyes stinging with hot tears as I gasp#call me ur little rabbit#eat me whole#or slowly#whatever you like#tell me how good i taste#the way red stains my fur only makes you hungrier#tell me you adore how i whimper and squirm#how your hands around my neck fills you up with heat#how the sounds of my bones breaking fills you with ectasy#lick at my wounds and pet me as i weep#run your hands over my bones so that i feel you in the very core of my being#i'm trying to let myself express my desires more whoops#its uh#its strange but good#not as bad as my brain always shamed me into thinking it was#but still an adjustement#at the same time#i don't halfass anything on feelings so now that I'm giving myself the room to feel it#i just wanna dive in headfirst#oh the poor little rabbit leaves himself open#what will happen when the wolves come out?#lmao jokes on you that's what i wanted
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#minor health rant ok i'm sorry it's just. i've been debilitatingly ill on and off for this entire last year and it hasn't once let up#and i've had to deal with uni and grades and assignments and adjusting to living on my own for the first time#all while having an autoimmune disease that went undiagnosed for the first six months i was at uni.#and i've only just started to process how difficult this last year really was bc when i was in the thick of it#i just told myself i had to keep going. i had to get through it. and i DID i got through this entire year#and i did my exams and my labs and my assignments and i joined a sports club and a choir#and i balanced all of these things whilst i was actively iron deficient and malnourished and recovering from pneumonia#not to mention the literal Chronic Fatigue and Malnutrition Disease i didn't even know i HAD#AND YET. AND. YET. my family has turned this into a joke#i'm not even allowed to be that upset about it. they still expect great things from me bc that is who i am that is who i have ALWAYS been#and i don't know who i am anymore!! i don't know what i can do!! i spent ten months so sick i could barely function and i still DID IT.#it's no good telling me they're proud of how resilient i am!!! i don't want to have to be resilient i want to be WELL#i don't want to be told how strong i am i want the simple comfort of being allowed to REST#i don't know how many more times i have to remind them that i have an actual CHRONIC INCURABLE DISEASE before they listen to me#ANYWAY. complaining over lolol i'm sure i'll be fine!! haha#it's not like i'm ever NOT fine lmaoo#ok everyone back to scheduled posting. realness over !!#🙏🙏
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Would you share blanket with me and read books in silence?
#wish after decades in therapy i would at least have understood how to learn how to be social and likeable and how to lern to know someone#im just so tiered of myself. like honestly how can i be so terrible as a person that random strangers on dating apps dont even want to...#...try chat with me. i kjow i will make a fool of myself and hurt myself even more but inalos know its the only way to learn how to..#...interact with people and habe something like a conversation going but also learn how to adjust and understand more than just the words...#...being excanged#personal#i just want to feel loved#i just want to die
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sigh
#more than anything i just miss being your friend#i want to talk to you all the time and i wish you wanted to talk to me too#about normal things and funny things. i miss my friend i just miss my friend#it didn’t end on bad terms i know and that’s good but every time we do talk it’s like trying to catch a really slippery rock or something#maybe not catch. just. i have to refrain from sending you insane paragraphs because i catch myself because i know it’s weird and not cool#and it’s weird and not cool to do this too but like. what can i do#i just wish we could be friends again. the void gets smaller every day but then..#i just wanna tell you everything i wanna tell you about my friends and my life and what i’m doing and i wanna know what you’re doing and#what’s new . and it’s stupid because i never did that before . but i guess these things make you realize a lot#and it’s like#i don’t Know what’s okay. i don’t know . i don’t know if i can make a joke i don’t Know if you’re ignoring me on purpose#and it’s fine if you are i know you don’t want to talk to me ever again probably. and it’s fine because i’m well adjusted and i understand#and i respect you and i’m honoring that. but i also just. can you blame me
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I know I'm a dedicated Gale Gay/Enby but Wyll deserves more love, dude is like the best thing about every Disney prince in one package, dude is the kinda guy you dedicate a page of your journal to just writing his name over and over surrounded by hearts and shit, I don't see any explicit Wyll hate but I don't see nearly enough Wyll appreciation ♥️
#wyll ravengard#bg3 wyll#does this mean I'll draw him more? mehhhh lol#i certainly write more of him than most other companions#he's just such prime bestie material too#like I'd be proud to call him my bestie#id brag about being besties with wyll ravengard#also still fiddling the whole pronoun thing#calling myself enby is..... somewhat freeing idk still adjusting
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