#*john mulaney voice* GET OUT OF MY ASK BOX WITH THAT SHIT

[dear-ao3]

May I ask is katya his real name? (I think he uses he/him pronouns but the name is traditionally a female name so I thought he was a girl for a loooong time ups)

hey dude fuck the fuck off

[adorethedistance]

Down For the Count - Charlie Gillespie x Injured!Reader

JATP cast masterlist

Requested: via these Injury/Hiking asks.

Warnings: Swearing I think, injury, falling/accident, hospital

Words: 2004

Summary: After a hard fall resulting in a bad injury, your boyfriend Charlie comes to the rescue to be your care taker at the same time as he has a Live with Owen.

A/n: A filled request? On my page??? It’s more likely than we thought! This one has been a long time coming (sorry act that). I have an exam coming up so I don't know how much I’ll write until then, but after I might have a shit ton of free time so I might be able to continue filling requests.

“What happened?” I hear Charlie practically screech upon seeing me sitting on the dull blue colored vinyl of the hospital examination table. He’s still dressed in his muscle tee, athletic shorts, and he’s got his hiking bag on his back, which lets me know he didn’t take it off as he sped over to the hospital.  

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” My emotionless assertion makes Savannah laugh. “I fell down a few stairs wrong and messed up my ankle pretty bad.” And luckily my phone was in my back pocket pre-fall. Knowing Charlie went with Chevel for a morning hike in nature with no service, Sav was the only other person close enough to my space of living to come scoop me up. I sat on the stairs for the solid 15 minutes it took her to drive over here, just waiting. The way I fell and the pain that came with it was unmistakably reason enough to not even try and stand. And I was right to do so because, after a standard hospital visit, I’d been informed that I had torn a ligament. Go me!

“Well, are you okay now? Is it broken? Are you okay to go home?”

“Charlie, I’m fine. It’s a mild tear, I just need to stay off it for a little while.” I gesture him closer mid-sentence so I can pull a leaf out of his long hair. He catches my hand in his as I release the lock of his hair.

“How long is a little while?”

“Six weeks most likely.”

“Six weeks?!”

“I’ll be fine, Charlie.”

“As much as I love you, I do have to leave so-” Savannah interjects Charlie’s moment of panic, whilst collecting all three items she had brought to the ER with me. “Charlie? Please keep an eye on her. Don’t let her try and tough it out like we know she will.”

“I’m fine, Sav.”

“You’re on crutches, Y/n.” She mimics my tone and inflection before double-checking with Charlie in a single look, and promptly exiting the hospital. I look at my hiking trail dust-covered boyfriend in annoyance but his face doesn’t waver from its determinedly firm expression.

“Do you need help off the table?”

“No, but I’ll probably need help getting into the car.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

__________________________

“Okay, you’ve got the remote, pillows, blankets, pain killers, water, a juice box, a healthy snack, an unhealthy snack, and a charger. That should be good, right?”

“It’s good. I’m sure it’s more than enough, Charlie. Thank you.” Charlie looks at me with a proud smile, knowing he’s doing his best to help me out. My confirmation is the last thing he needs before telling me that he has a Live to do, for the millionth time. It takes some reassuring that I’ll be okay if he resides in the room next to me, and eventually he leaves me alone.

I puff out a short breath as a symptom of convincing Charlie first and foremost, but second, the eventful day I’ve had all before 11 AM. Sitting in a static silence for a bit piques my curiosity as to what Charlie is doing, but it doesn’t last long and I reach for the tv remote. No time like the present to watch the newest show everybody’s raving about. Does anyone even care about Bridgerton anymore? Do I really wanna watch a series about homicide and Mormons? I figure it can’t hurt to watch something made by John Mulaney. Even if I’ve already seen it six times…

When I open the program, I’m met with the Netflix logo which is far too quiet for me to hear anything. As I’m about to turn up the volume, I hear Charlie’s voice carry over from the next room.

“Y/n’s injured so I’m taking care of her for a little bit.”

“Wait, what happened?” That sounds like Owen’s voice.

“She fell and messed up her ankle real bad.”

Real bad. Yeah, that’s one way of putting it.

Returning my attention to the undetermined John Mulaney special, I hesitate for a minute before eventually choosing Kid Gorgeous and letting it play from the beginning. Although the special is still as entertaining as the first time I watched it, I find myself fighting sleep. Thankfully, I frontloaded my week with most of my responsibilities, so I can afford to take the day to myself. It is more of a need than a want, but still. I ultimately give in to my desire and let myself rest after the eventful morning. Sleep quickly consumes me in the best way possible where I’m not in so deep that I’ll wake up miserable, but still fully unconscious and resting.

When my eyes flutter open, I’m confused as to why I’ve woken up until I feel it. I drank all of my full water bottle and a juice box and I have to pee.

Fuck. What time is it? I haven’t been asleep that long, but it’s been long enough that the special is over and Netflix is hounding me to watch something else. Where is my boyfriend?

“Charlie?” I sleepily call into the abyss. It’s less than a second later that Charlie appears in the doorway, breathless from having sprinted from what sounded like the kitchen.

“Are you okay? I thought you were sleeping. How long have you been calling for me?”

“Shhh,” I attempt to simmer his worry, “I’m fine. Can you just help me get to the bathroom?” I set my good foot on the ground and attempt to stand, but my body, still not fully awake, nearly gives out on me whilst my vision is overtaken by a cloudy headrush. Charlie is by my side in an instant, catching me by pulling my torso into his more stable one.

“Hey, wait, you should just sit for a sec and give yourself some time to wake up-”

“Charlie, I have to pee so bad.”

“Okay, okay.” Despite verbally agreeing, Charlie doesn’t allow me to move any further. I look at him in confusion to see he’s eyeing the crutches on the floor by the arm of the couch. “Yeah, you’re not stable enough yet,” he says to himself, but our close proximity allows me to hear him anyway. Before I can process what’s happening, Charlie sweeps me up bridal style and begins carrying me to the bathroom.

“Your workout’s been paying off,” I mumble into the fabric of his t-shirt. The fool laughs lightly, his cool breath dusting the top of my head and his chest vibrating against me. It’s so comforting to be in his arms that I nearly fall back asleep on the way to the bathroom. Charlie notices and presses a kiss to my forehead to keep me awake.

“Hey. You gotta pee first and then you can go back to sleep.” I groan as a reply, causing him to laugh again. “Will you be okay moving around the space or do you need my help?”

“The bathroom is not that big, Charlie.”

“Okay, okay.”

My bathroom visit goes seamlessly, and the warm water of the tap wakes me up enough to talk to my hyper-cautious lover through the door of the bathroom.

“How was your Live?”

“It’s been good so far.” At his response I freeze for a moment, looking at my own reflection as if I’m face to face with Charlie.

“So far?”

“Yeah, Owen’s babysitting the Live right now.”

“You didn’t tell you were still on. I would’ve managed on my own.”

“I’m not gonna let my seriously injured girlfriend struggle her way through my house!” He cries, sounding legitimately offended, but knowing Charlie, he’s not being 100% sincere. I unlock the door and swing it open to find him pouting. He doesn’t speak again until after he scoops me back up into his grasp. “Do you want to go back to the couch or come sit with me or…?”

“Will you sit on the couch with me?” I feel him nod above me and feel my eyes begin to droop as they had on the way to the bathroom. Should I let myself sleep more? I want to be able to sleep tonight, but I’m still so exhausted that I’m convincing myself everything will turn out fine.

“Okay, let me go grab Owen and I’ll come sit on the couch with you.” A hazy smile rests on my tired features as Charlie sets me down on the sleep-inducing cushions of his couch. I can hear he’s already back after a quick second when Owen’s voice sounds through the speakers of his phone. To my surprise, he doesn’t sit down right away, and when I crack my eye open to investigate why, I’m met with Charlie staring down at me in awe. I don’t even need to ask what he’s thinking and the sheepish boy wordlessly takes his place on the couch next to me. He’s leaning back against the pillows he set up and beckons me to lay my head against his shoulder. Mindful of my pain, he helps me prop up my injured leg for elevation.

“Hey, Y/n!” I hear the familiar voice that I don’t have to open my heavy eyes to identify.

“Hi, Owen.”

“How you doin’?”

“I’m-”

“Hey, that’s my thing!” Charlie cuts me off to whine at his best friend.

“What?”

“Only I can ask Y/n ‘how you doin’?’” He says in the iconic Joey Tribbiani fashion. I exhale as much of a laugh as I can muster before resuming the conversation Charlie childishly interrupted.

“I’m doing alright. It’s only day one and life already sucks, but nothing is broken, so, could be better and could be worse.”

“I feel so bad for you.”

“Aww well, at least I have Charlie here to take care of me.”

“I feel so bad for you,” Owen pointedly parrots, earning a harsh glare from Charlie.

“You know what? If I had it my way, you wouldn’t be in this Live.”

“Don’t be mean!” I scold my nuisance of a boyfriend, gently tapping the back of my hand against his chest. Charlie grabs the offending hand and interlaces our fingers, bringing it up to place a sweet kiss on my knuckles.

“Siiiiiiiiimmpp!”

“You’re just jealous you’re all alone in Oklahoma.”

“Uhhh, correction: I have Eaton here for the week, so ha!” I roll my eyes at the childishness that is Owen and Charlie, but laugh all the same. It’s never-ending with these boys, and the chaos, though exhausting, is humorous more often than not. I’m happy to be with the boys again, but the harder it gets for me to keep my eyes open, the more I realize I wasn’t fully ready to be awake yet. As Charlie’s shoulder becomes the most comfortable spot in the world, I look at the two of us in his window on the Live to see he’s looking right back at me on the screen. He ignores the fact that I’ve caught him and absentmindedly lays his head on mine. The position only lasts for a brief second before he’s back to his animated self when Owen asks him a question.

My eyes fall heavier and heavier with each blink before they refuse to open. In and out, my breathing slows to an even draw and I can feel my weight slowly relax onto Charlie’s shoulder. It doesn’t seem to affect him at all as he sits off the back of the couch.

“Is she asleep?”

“I don’t know, let’s ask. Y/n, are you asleep?”

“Charlie, you’re such an idiot, leave her alone.”

I feel the infinitesimal pressure of his breath against the top of my head when he leans down to press a loving kiss to where my hair has parted on his shoulder. He then traces the knuckle of his index finger down the side of my exposed cheek before resuming his conversation with Owen about weird fan mail they’ve gotten. How I love this idiot.

***

Taglist: @caitsymichelle13​ @kaitlyn2907​ @itz-jas​ @crybabyddl​ @kcd15​ @kinda-really-lost​ @calamitykaty​ @morganayenneferburnham​ @n0wornever​ @dream-a-little-bigger-x​ @mrstodorooki @vicesvsvirturesfanfic @curlybrownhairedboys​ @amazinggracy​ @kaitieskidmore1​ @asdfghjkl-fanfics​ @ghostlygreenbean​ @juliefromaustralia @merceret​ @jemimah-b99​ @ifilwtmfc​ @thesweetestsinner​ @imsydneywalker​ @lovesanimals​ @thebloodthirstyvampress​ @bumbleberry-pie​ @losers-club6​ @tefilovesreading​ @dmcfarland1​@joynerxmercer @kexrtiz​ @talk-on-the-street​ @phantompogues​ @konciousdreamer​ @sunsetcurvej​ @warmnesss0ul​ @celestialmolina​

[piratewithvigor]

My first thought in regard to every band that gets played on my radio station

ACDC: Every dad’s favourite band

Adams, Bryan: Every mom’s favourite singer until Michael Buble came along

Aerosmith: haha they thought Vince Neil was a lady

Alice Cooper: he’s a Game Of Thrones fanboy and I have proof

Alice In Chains: my sister doesn’t like them because she decided AC were Alice Cooper’s initials ONLY

Allman Brothers Band: good music for dropping acid to

Allman, Gregg: That’s too many Gs for one name

Animals: House Of The Rising Sun, or who even cares

Argent: Sometimes Hold Your Head Up is really catchy

Asia: Tuesdays

Autograph: one of the members went on to be a pharmacist

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: There are just so many pop culture jokes about Taking Care Of Business that whatever I say won’t be as funny

Bad Company: with their song; Bad Company, off their album; Bad Company

Benatar, Pat: Always getting her confused with Patti Smith

Black Crowes: I like them for Lickin, but it doesn’t seem to exist outside of one shoddy video on youtube and my old CD

Blackfoot: this band name feels kind of racy

Black Sabbath: Dio was not better or worse than Ozzy; just different

Blondie: I like Call Me, but Blondie confuses me stylistically

Blue Oyster Cult: MORE COWBELL

Bon Jovi: Hello, childhood trauma, I missed you

Boston: ONE GUY. ONE GUY DID IT ALL AND NO ONE KNOWS

Bowie, David: Don’t let your children watch The Man Who Fell To Earth, or David Bowie’s will end up being the third penis they see in life

Browne, Jackson: Another musician ruined by Supernatural

Buffalo Springfield: Jack Nicholson was at the riot they sing about

Burdon, Eric: no ideas, brain empty

Bush: ditto

Candlebox: ditto once more. Who are these people?

Cars: This band feels so gay and so straight at the same time, I can only assume they’re the poster children of bisexual panic

Cheap Trick: I played Dream Police on Guitar Hero so fucking much because it was the only song anyone who played with me could keep up with

Chicago: Chicago 30 exists, but they do not have 30 albums. Fucking riddle me that

Clapton, Eric: 6 discs in one Greatest Hits is too many. That’s called “re releasing your discography”

Cochrane, Tom: For some reason, everyone thinks Rascal Flats did it better

Cocker, Joe: Belushi did it right

Collective Soul: who?

Collins, Phil: If his biggest hits were done by MCR, they would be emo anthems, but because he’s 5′6″ and from the 80s, they’re not

Cream: *Vietnam flashbacks on the hippie side*

CCR: *Vietnam flashbacks on the war side*

CSNY: David Crosby; meh

Deep Purple: THEY’RE SO MUCH MORE THAN SMOKE ON THE WATER

Def Leppard: the only music for when you’re a heartbroken bitch but also a sexy one

Derek And The Dominos: Clapton and ‘Layla’ broke up

Derringer, Rick: Tom Petty if he was from the midwest

Dio: You thought it was an anime reference, but it was me, Dio

Dire Straits: You can tell how bigoted a radio station is based on how much of Money For Nothing they censor

Doobie Brothers: I have yet to smoke weed, but I listen to the Doobies, and I think that’s pretty close

Dylan, Bob: I take back everything I said about him in my youth

Eagles: Hotel California isn’t their best song, but the memes that come from it are second to none

Edgar Winter Group: @the--blackdahlia

Electric Light Orchestra: Actually an orchestra and sound a fuckton like George Harrison

ELO: I really hesitate to ask what happens with the 7 virgins and a mule

Essex, David: no prominent memories of him

Fabulous Thunderbirds: cannot spell

Faces: Who on earth thought that was a good album name?

Faith No More: I got nothing

Fixx: One Thing Leads To Another is a damn bop

Fleetwood Mac: I ain’t straight, but I’m simply not enough of a witch to enjoy them to full potential

Fogerty, John: He got sued cause he sounded like himself

Foghat: Slow Ride slowly becoming less coherent feels like a drug trip

Foo Fighters: He was just excited to buy a grill

Ford, Lita: deserved better

Foreigner: dramatically overplayed

Frampton, Peter: a masterful user of the talk box

Free: dramatically underplayed

Gabriel, Peter: leaving Genesis changed him a lot

Genesis: if someone likes Genesis, clarify the era, because yes, it does matter

Georgia Satellites: sing like you have a cactus in your ass

Golden Earring: Twilight Zone slaps, but it doesn’t slap as hard as this station thinks it does

Grand Funk Railroad: Funk

Grateful Dead: I like their aesthetic more than their music

Great White: there are so many fucking shark jokes

Greenbaum, Norman: makes me think of Subway for some reason

Green Day: the first of the emo revolution

Greg Kihn Band: RocKihnRoll is literally the most clever album name I’ve ever seen

Guns N Roses: They have more than three good songs, but radio stations never recognize that

Hagar, Sammy: I’m still trying to figure out where he lived to take 16 hours to get to LA driving 55 and how fucking fast was he driving beforehand?

Harrison, George: He went from religious to rock, and if he had continued rocking, he would have gotten too cool 

Head East: I respect people who use breakfast foods as album names

Heart: Magic Man and Barracuda are played at least once every goddamn day. They’re not even the best songs!

Hendrix, Jimi: I have both a cousin and a sibling named after Hendrix references

Henley, Don: Dirty Laundry gives me too much inspiration

Hollies: Somehow sound like they’re both from the 60s and the 80s at the same time

Idol, Billy: he’s doing well for himself

INXS: Terminator vibes

Iris, Donnie: knockoff Roy Orbison

James Gang: too many funks

Jane’s Addiction: if TMNT had a grunge band representative

Jefferson Airplane: *assorted cheers*

Jefferson Starship: *assorted boos*

Jethro Tull: The only band to make you feel not cool enough to play the flute

Jett, Joan: icon

J. Geils Band: I requested them on the radio once and it got played

Joel, Billy: he really did just air everybody’s business like that

John Cafferty And The Beaver Brown Band: literally wtf is that name

John, Elton: yarn Elton sits in my basement, unstaring. Please someone take him from me

Joplin, Janis: Queen

Journey: Stop overplaying Don’t Stop Believing. It takes away from the rest of the repetoire

Judas Priest: literally started the gay leather aesthetic

Kansas: another fucking band Supernatural stole

Kenny Wayne Shepherd: the man confuses me to the point where he isn’t in the right place alphabetically

Kiss: Mick Mars and I will simply have to disagree on the subject

Kravitz, Lenny: runaway vibes

Led Zeppelin: Fucking fight me if you don’t think they’re the most talented band (maybe not the most talented individually, but collectively, no one comes close)

Lennon, John: My least favourite Beatle for reasons

Live: I got nothin

Living Colour: slap a decent amount

Loverboy: do you not get TURNT the fuck up to the big Loverboy hits? Who hurt you??

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama is a Neil Young diss track

Marshall Tucker Band: no opinion

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band: VERY STRONG OPINIONS THAT THEY AREN’T GOOD

McCartney, Paul/Wings: Power couple

Meatloaf: I have nothing but respect for a man who willingly named himself Meatloaf

Mellencamp, John: voted cutest lesbian of 1987

Metallica: I liked their appearance on Jimmy Fallon

Midnight Oil: I get them confused for Talking Heads a lot

Modern English: who?

Molly Hatchet: Hollies vibes, but also Georgia Satellites vibes

Money, Eddie: DAN AVIDAN, IF YOU SEE THIS, COVER TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT

Motley Crue: Stan Mick Mars and John Corabi. They’re the only ones who deserve it

Mott The Hoople: no one loves them except for David Bowie

Mountain: props for naming an album ‘Climbing’

Nazareth: I want to make a John Mulaney joke here, but I can never come up with one

Nicks, Stevie: witch queen

Night Ranger: I get them confused with Urge Overkill

Nirvana: Kurt Cobain was the ally grunge needed

Nova, Aldo: he’s Canadian, at least

Nugent, Ted: *serves a ghost as jerky*

Offspring: nothing here

Osbourne, Ozzy: this bitch crazy

Outfield: Your Love is kind of a sketchy song, but it slaps hard

Palmer, Robert: low quality Eddie Money

Pearl Jam: *grunts in Eddie Vedder*

Petty, Tom: I have so many feelings about Tom Petty and they are all good

Pink Floyd: which one is Pink?

Plant, Robert: solo career is a crapshoot, but his voice is unparalleled

Poison: I want them to write a song called ‘Alice Cooper’

Pretenders: I want to say good things, but I have nothing to say

Queen: A doctor of astrophysics, a screaming girl, a disco queen and a diva walk into a bar. It’s Queen; they’re there to play a gig

Queensryche: neutral opinion

Quiet Riot: they got big because of a song they hated. I love that

Rafferty, Gerry: the second-sexiest sax opening in all of music

Rainbow: Ritchie Blackmore created something very magnificent

Ram Jam: one good song and they didn’t even write it

Ratt: I’m sure they have more than Round And Round, but I don’t know it

RHCP: funky, but if you have paid money to hear them, you’re going to The Bad Place (I don’t make the rules)

Red Rider: basically Golden Earring

Reed, Lou: Walk On The Wild Side would be such a cool song if it wasn’t so dull

REM: American Tragically Hip

REO Speedwagon: Props for having a dad joke as an album title

Rolling Stones: Never in my life could I imagine the drummer being named anything but Charlie

Rush: How to make being uncool the coolest fucking shit

Santana: The world needs more Santana

Scandal: There’s something really funny about The Warrior being my brother’s “song” with his girlfriend

Scorpions: Was Wind Of Change written by the CIA? Only the spotify podcast I got an ad for once could say

Seger, Bob: A different variety of Eric Clapton (frankly a better variety, but that’s just me)

Simple Minds: we ALL forgot about you

Skid Row: Sebastian Bach is prettier than all of us

Soundgarden: music that makes you feel like you dunked your head underwater

Springsteen, Bruce: my arch-nemesis. Maybe someday, he’ll find out about it

Squeeze: according to my friends, the stupidest band name ever, but they’re theatre kids, so you know

Squier, Billy: If he can make it through 1984 alive, you can make it through whatever bad day you’re having

Stealers Wheel: Yet another band who I always mistake for George Harrison

Steely Dan: my house’s nickname for the Robber in Settlers Of Catan

Steppenwolf: Either makes me think of Jay & Silent Bob, Jack Nicholson, or that time I had to cut 6lbs of onions

Steve Miller Band: when you’re in the right mood, they slap hard

Stewart, Rod: my soundtrack to summer 2015

Stills, Stephen: Love The One You’re With Is Catchy, but the lyrics are questionable

Stone Temple Pilots: the only band to write a song about goo you smear on yourself

Stray Cats: an obscene amount of merch is available for them

Styx: Supernatural would have ruined them for me too if I hadn’t been into them previously. 

Supertramp: I hunted for Breakfast In America for two years and it was worth every hunt

Sweet: I will never understand my two-month obsession with Ballroom Blitz when I was 15, but it was legit all I listened to

Talking Heads: you may find yourself in a pizza hut. And you may find yourself in a taco bell. And you may find yourself at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. And you may ask yourself; ‘how did I get here?’

Temple Of The Dog: I keep confusing them for Nazareth

Ten Years After: somehow still relevant

Tesla: not the car or the dude

The Beatles: Evokes a lot of opinions from people. Mine is that I love them

The Clash: I showed my sister the ‘Lock The Taskbar’ vine ONCE and it still kills her

The Doors: evokes teenage terror from deep within my soul

The Guess Who: Canada’s answer to confusing question-themed band names

The Kinks: kinky

The Police: wrote the theme of 2020 and everyone somehow forgot it was about a teacher resisting becoming a pedophile

The Ramones: playing all of their songs in a row wouldn’t take more than 2 hours

The Romantics: you don’t think you know them, but if you’ve seen Shrek 2, you have

The Who: If someone can explain Tommy to me, I’d be glad to hear it

The Zombies: I think they happened because of the 60s

Thin Lizzy: Could the boys maybe leave town?

Thorogood, George: blues, but make it modern

Toto: the most memed song behind All Star

Townshend, Pete: just makes me think of the end of Mr. Deeds

T-Rex: Mark Bolan is an icon

Triumph: The no-name brand of Rush

Tubes: like the yogurt

Twisted Sister: they did a christmas album and my mom does NOT hate it

U2: U2 Movers; we move in mysterious ways

Van Halen: RIP Eddie

Van Morrison: honestly, who’s named Van?

Vaughn, Stevie Ray: Steamy Ray Vaughn

Walsh, Joe: The Smoker You Drink The Player You Get

War: Foghat, but even groovier

Whitesnake: the most successful band to be named after a penis

Wright, Gary: the 90s thanks him for writing the song every movie used for the “guy sees cute girl and it’s love at first sight” scene

Yes: To Be Continued

Young, Neil: The best part of CSNY

Zevon, Warren: the album cover of Excitable Boy makes me deeply uncomfortable for reasons I don’t understand

ZZ Top: has been the same three guys since 1969. Lineup unchanged. 

3 Doors Down: They feel a little modern to be on a classic rock station, but whatever

38 Special: Why 38?

[zi-i-think]

Hey everyone! I’m so sad to say that my chapter isn’t even close to done. I’ve been swamped with homework, studying, etc. Maybe enjoy this chapter of an old Mavel fanfic that I started but never continued. After Her Sun His Moon I might pick the idea back up, but only time will tell. Love you all lots! And hang loose, amigos 🤙🏼

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Cleo (OC)

Rating: M

Word count: 2200+

~~~

       Boom!

       "I'm too young to die!"

       Bang!

       "What did I do to deserve this?... don't answer that."

       Bang! Bang! Bang!

       "Cleo, shut up and keep shooting!"

       "We're running out of ammo and there's no way we can get past all those guys!"

       There's nothing worse than getting shot at, by the people you once called family and shooting back at them with an odd band of people who tried to arrest you not too long ago. Might as well crawl back to the pits of hell and play poker with satan.

       "Damn it!" I grumble. I then proceed to throw my machine gun on the floor and slide further down the cover of the flipped taxi. "Out of bullets," I tell my partner who stands to my left and shooting from a gun of his own. I feel bad for the guy. No one forced us to be partners, let alone be willing to die for one another. Just a couple of months ago we hated each other's guts. Yet here we are. Firing bullets like rain falls from the sky in order to not let the other get shot.

       He furrows his eyebrow with a confused look, kneeling closer to me. "We're gonna get out of this, Cleo. I promise you." He assures me.

       I give him a sad smile as I place my hand behind his neck before pulling him down to kiss him. I don't know when or if I'd even see this man ever again. But, I really hope I do. It was a hungry and passionate kiss, but too short, even shorter than those damn hobbits. I pull away but he keeps his face no more than an inch from mine. "I love you."

       I don't give him a chance to react to the very sudden and magical words before slipping out of his grasp and emerge from behind the taxi. I create my triangular forcefield to prevent the bullets, not fast enough, though, since one skimmed my arm. I don't even realize it due to the adrenaline but-

       Too far into the story, my bad. In order for you to really know what all this is about, we need to start from the beginning of the weirdest time in my life. It started at McDonald's, actually.

       "Order for John Mulaney." The soulless employee announces in monotone. The name makes one head turn in the empty area, only for them to sigh in disappointment when John Mulaney did not come to this McDonald's. It was just me. A shit-hole of a person, having a normal night of eating fries and nuggets after an assassination job.

       I wanted the Happy Meal, but they refused to let me order that because I'm "too old". I'm not a motherfucking senior citizen like that Captain America, who looks good enough to, in fact, fuck the mothers of America.

       "Ugh." I gag, spitting my half-chewed nugget back into the box. Jesus, what do they put in this? Semen? I reach for my Frappuccino, the caramel one, of course, and take a sip in order to get rid of the not-even-close-to-chicken taste out of my mouth. And while setting the drink back on the table, the napkin that I used before now has black writing on it.

       I look around the barren restaurant, looking for a suspicious person. Only, I'm the only person here, other than a group of drunk college girls in the corner. It's only 11 pm, what are they doing back from whatever party they went to? That's pathetic. Looking back at the napkin, I pick it up to read it better.

(718)-334-7876

11:20 pm sharp.

       Probably someone looking to hire. But, why contact me with a napkin. A pigeon would be more practical. Alas, it's on a napkin. I've had people contact me discretely in many ways. A brick, calling through a phone, letters, notes on my motorcycle, but never on a napkin. I also don't understand why this person couldn't just come up and talk to me. The place is empty after all... Like my soul.

       My left-hand digs into my back pocket for my phone. Setting my hand lazily of the table with the phone resting in it, it lights up to read 11:18 over my black lock-screen with the words "Fuck off" in bold, white letters in the middle. He did say 11:20 sharp. Should I wait the extra two minutes? No, I'm too impatient and also don't give any fucks.

       My fingers dial the number as written and press the call button. Tapping my fingers on the table rhythmically as the phone rings. I hope it's a politician job. Better yet, one who doesn't believe in climate change! Putting a bullet through one of their thick heads can be fun and stress-relieving.

       "You called too early." A raspy and familiar voice on the other side appears.

       "It's 11:20 somewhere in the world." I quip, plopping a fry in my mouth. "Now, what's the point of this call, Frank?"

       "My name isn't Frank." He gruffs.

       "Luke?" I guess again.

       "Cl-"

       "I know what your name is." I interrupt him, leaning back in my chair with a cocky smirk. "It's Gandalf, right?"

       The other line is silent while I lightly snicker to myself. I know I can be a little... much. But what's a little pestering, right? I was never that good at socializing, though. I have what you call "people-problems". Simply put, I don't like people too much and they don't like me in return. Which is why I make such a great business partner.

       "Cleo, we have a job for you." Right we're back to that.

       "How was your brief vacation, Frank?" Silence. Again. The fact that I am still alive despite getting everyone to hate me is astonishing. Really, I have made so many enemies just by talking. Whether it be by calling them a nasty word or confusing their gender, I can always offend someone. Even with the simplicity of calling this man Frank.

       "Can you be professional for once?" He lets out a breathy plead. "It wouldn't kill ya."

       "No, it wouldn't kill me." I sigh in agreement. "but it does take the joy out of things, such as killing others. Which is why you called."

       "Come to the house and you'll be given all the information."

       "Woah Woah Woah Woah." I raise my eyebrows as I interrupt my little acquaintance for this millionth time during this one phone call. "Woah. You think I'm actually going to take this job?"

       "Come on, Cleo." I roll my eyes already as I reach for my frappuccino for another long sip. "It's been over a year now and-"

       "Ahhh." I hiss, my left hand find their way for my forehead and shut my eyes up tightly. This pain. One of the worst a person can get, no later how trained and pain tolerant I get, I can always feel this pain.

       "Cleo?" Not-Frank's raspy voice is sounded through the phone. "Cleo, are you alright?" Worry? Coming from not-Frank? The last time that's been a thing was a couple of years ago when I almost threw him off a building. If your wondering about that, well long story short, there was a lot of suspicion between the families and not-Frank got caught in the middle of a lot of things.

       "Yep," I grunt, finally removing my hands from my forehead. "Damn. Been shot multiple times and a brain-freeze will always be one of the worst pain I will ever experience. Now, what were we discussing? Oh right. The fact that I am 100 percent done with you guys."

       "You know, you're lucky to be alive. The Boss never lets anyone leave and you were somehow able to waltz right out the door. Tell me, Cleo. How did you really get out." His voice was beginning to sound like a snake. It was low and airy, just the right amount of that lovely threatening tone that people get so scared of.

       "Well I didn't really 'waltz' out of the door, I'm not much of a dancer. It was more of a strut, really."

       "Dio mio." He mutters under his breath. I presume he is also burying his face in his hand at the moment.

       "You don't believe in God, Frank." I playfully scold him. "Oh, while I have you on the phone I need to ask you something. So, if you ran a night club and you were about to be assassinated by a quite gorgeous female. Would you prefer to be killed with a jagged or smooth knife?"

       "Cleo–"

       "Cause the smooth ones are a bit faster, but for some reason, they spray more blood and I was planning on wearing a new coat I bought. And the–"

       "Just shut up and listen to me!" He snapped, the sound of his fist banging on the table clear, even through the phone. My mouth still hangs open as a sort of offended look becomes present on my face. Most people know better than to raise their voice at me since I've been known to be a little violent to those who disrespect me. Though, this instance was different because of one: if you haven't noticed, not-Frank and I aren't even in the same room. And two: I know that the boss is probably waiting for not-Frank to return to his office and let him know that I'll be one my way. And when the boss requests you to do something, there's a lot of pressure to get it done fast.

       Both sides of the phone are dead silent as I wait for the man to start talking again. Maybe ten seconds after the outburst, I hear a low murmur from not-Frank. "So she can be quiet." I bite down on my tongue, hard, to stop myself from making a snarky comment. "Don Caruso is hoping that you can come over to the house."

       I scoff. Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. Don't get me wrong. I want to say no. After all, when I left, I was hoping to leave behind the whole mafia sha-bang, too. But I know a few things. Like the fact that I will be getting paid pretty nicely for this. And also the fact that business has been a bit slow lately and being able to tell clients that the New York crime boss practically begged to hire me will boost my independent business.

       "Give me a couple of hours to get there," I tell him. "And make sure that statue in the front yard is covered up with a sheet or something. The horse's eyes freak me out." Hanging up the phone, my jewelry barren hand grabs the yellow tray with all the greasy food as I stand and throw it all away in the trash.

       I take a couple of steps out the door and stop. My senses heighten and my head turns to look to my left. The light from inside the restaurant is what allows me to get a somewhat good look at the homeless man walking on the sidewalk with a slight limb from his left leg. The man's dark beard is disheveled and I can only assume that his hair is pulled back but with the gray hood over I'm not completely sure. Something about him felt off. And when you're in my kind of business, you learn that your intuitions are usually right.

       The man wears old blue jeans, a grey hoodie with another red jacket over it, and black tennis shoes, which isn't out of the ordinary when it comes to homeless people. What is out of the ordinary is that his nails are pretty clean and his clothes, while they were old, were in the okay condition. Meaning there aren't any holes, rips, dirt or stains. It was like it was just bought at a thrift store.

       I begin walking with purpose in his direction, pretending not to notice him until I bump into him roughly. He loses his balance and falls on his knees as I turn in 'shock.' "Oh my goodness," I gasp. "I am so sorry." I reach down, my right-hand grabs his right arm as I help him off the ground. Discretely while doing this, I slide his sleeve up, getting a glimpse of a high tech watch. "You know, impersonating the homeless is really disrespectful."

       Not a second after that sentence falls from my lips, a gun is pulled out from the man's hoodie and he points it straight at me. Where from his hoodie? I don't fucking know. What I do know is that I was tracked by none other than the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.

       S.H.I.E.L.D.

       I was tracked by S.H.I.E.L.D.

[ain-t-bovvered]

14x11 Commentary (special)

Special episode where a bunch of tired and caffeinated Europeans ( plus a sleepy American) scream together, and then die and try to get on with their day ( lol AS IF)

Hello and welcome:

@purpleskiesandcherrypies  (Nat)

@dean-winchesters-bacon  (Kat)

@waywardbaby  (Zee)

@ain-t-bovvered  (Giu)

1 2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

14x11 Damaged Gods

Giu: Ugh fuck off nick

Zee: I’m the cage

Nat: bleugh

Giu : Pardon me but M losing it, is kinky

Giu: I wanna know whats in that fucking book tho

Kat: So kinky

-Nick being an idiot sandwich

Zee: So sick of Nick

Nat : so Nick is hunting now

-Demon scum: Never been caught by a human.

-I wouldn’t call Nick a human at this point honestly.

Giu: Also how did he got hold of an angel blade, Like seriously ..... Tfw 2.0 sucks at keeping “prisoners”

Nick : Abraxas.

Oooooh my god that again. I get that he has nothing left to do, but still.

Zee: She ded

- Nick:” I don’t know, where’s the fun in that?” (about letting the demon go)

 *MMBLEGH ! STABS EYE*

[looks in the camera like in the office]

Nat: omg

- Welp that was violent.

- “Maria Prophetissima, Historia Achengeli.” Trying really hard to think that’s not supposed to be italian......because I’d have some complaints.

Giu : RED SHIRT

Zee: Giuls do I need to say it?

Nat: THE RED SHIRT OF SEX

Kat: Barely alive

- LEATHER GLOOOOOVES. YAAAAAS. also....Dean....what the fuck are you thinking uh? Ooooooh right the welding episode

Nat: Oh.. here comes the heart break

Giu: All the fucking hurt.

-Sam: “How are you feeling”

-Dean, completely dribbling around that question like a champ “Whatcha reading?”

- Sam : “We’ll find a way “  ( #369)

- Dean: “Actually I wanna go for a drive”

uh uh Don’t like the sound of that.

Zee: Always in need of his mom

- Dean : “One-on-one time with mom”

Giu : DO NOT LIKE

Kat: Sam fucking face

-Sam is us.

-Sam: “Whatever you need”

- Fuck you Dean. Don’t look like you are almost crying...fuck you

Nat: OMG THE HUG

-dEAN FUCKING FACE, DEAN FUCKING HESITANT HAND WHAT THE FUCK

Zee: Take care Sammy?

Giu : AAAAAAH THE FUCK. NO

-Sam startled face tho.

- HE KNOWS SOMETHING IS UP

Giu: THE FUCK CABIN

Zee: Still don’t like Mary, I always think she doesn’t give a fuck

- Mary: “I’ll take any excuse for a visit”

THEN WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING VISIT . YOU KNOW WHAT’S UP . THE FUCK.

Kat: She’s the worst

Nat : Sammy calls up his mom to tell her about THE HUG

Giu : “That’s sweet” WOW. BITCH HE HAS THE ARCHANGEL MICHAEL STOMPING ABOUT IN HIS MIND. 

- Sam: “ We don’t hug” .... well...only if it’s literally the end of the world.  SO HEALTHY.

Mary : “We have to respect that” 

 fuck oOOOOOFF you are his mom you don’t have to respect shit when your son has an archangel in his mind.

-Sam paranoia rising up because some books are missing.

-Ok but I love this shot, it’s so pretty.

[Food Splatter] Dean: “OH MY GOd”

-Oh my god indeed

Zee & Nat : DONNAAAAAA

- She’s so pretty!!! I love her so much.

[Dean licking his finger] ..... DOOOON’T STAPH IT

Nat : Dean has a big mouth

Giu: KINK!

Zee : Nat really…

Nat : have you seen the bite he took?!

Giu: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

- The place is called “The hungry beaver” 

yeah ok come on.

- AAAAh so great to hear from the girls tho.

Also Dean’s avoiding all the questions he knows that are coming like a pro Winchester.

- Donna: “Last month, we took down a Vetala nest”

Dean’s impressed face.

- Dean:” Get out of town......Good for her”

- Awww the question about Dough tho. He’s avoiding questions ok but he’s so cute asking about that

Zee & Nat : Freaking news letter

Giu : I swear they have a what’s up chat like us.

Kat : No doubt

- Lol also I think Jensen has a runny nose while shooting these scene, lol the tissue.

- Dean: “ - without seeing my D-Train”

Nat: SO DEAN'S A HUGGER NOW

Kat: farewell tour

Giu : OH SHUT UP WHAT IS THIS NOW?!? THE MEMORY LANE BEFORE TUNING OUT? DEAN!

- HIS FUCKING FACE SHUT THE FUCK UP I CAN’T

-God do I ship them tho. I need some DonnaxDean asap ok ( tag me people)

Nat : I hate this so much. Can I burn this episode already?

Giu: Yes *hands the matches*

- way to ruin perfectly good pumpkins Mary . I guess you wouldn’t know what to do with them anyway....like....idk....pumpkin pie or some shit for your son....who loves pies....remember.....whatever I don’t even know why I’m trying anymore.

Nat : "We could call Sam over" and have a freaking party

- Dean: “I don’t wanna Sam here”

- RUDE

Giu: “EVerYtHinG aLrIghT?”

- Dean: “ I’m HANGRY “ lol 

Giu: Not much of a cook

Zee: You’re not much of an anything

Giu: WELL NOT SHIT

- WINCHESTER SURPRISE . THE FUCK IS THAAAAAT

- Mary :”I can’t believe you remember that”

- I can’t believe you remember you have kids.

Nat: YOU CAN'T REMEMBER A LOT OF THINGS BITCH. DEAN REMEMBERS EVERYTHING, ALRIGHT.

Kat: He really does

Nat: Can I cry now

Giu: MY HEART IS POUNDING

Zee: ...in my ears

- Dean: “Delicious heart-attack on a plate. I would like mine with extra cheese”

- Extra cheese horny face

- ...AND PIE!

-The P O S T E R S

Giu: OMFG..... I’m already dreading the meta on that poster

 ( in a positive way  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  )

- [ M still trashing around ]

Kat: This song. Damn it

- *The Guess Who’s “No Time” playing*

Giu: OH COME ON, A LEATHER APRON, AND LEATHER GLOVES.

Zee: Fuck me sideways

Kat : All the damn ways

Nat: I AM AROUSED . IN THE MORNING. WHY AM I AROUSED (08:46 a.m )

- “I found myself some wings”  

Are *claps* you *claps* fucking *claps* kiddin’ *claps* me?

-when he tilt his head to make the mask falls down.

- the jacket popped collar....YAAAS

Giu: Fucking hell.

- I can’t deal with that poster and the sparks....I CAN’T

I CAAAAAAN’T

Nat: EVEN HIS LEGS ARE SEXY…..OK BUT FUCK ME

Giu: NO FUCK ME

Kat: HE’S THE ENERGIZER BUNNY HE CAN FUCK US ALL

Kat: SO MUCH WELDER!DEAN

Zee: Somebody write that shit

- And tag us thank

Giu: “ that’s new...YOU BUYING FOOD” wow…...WOOOOW. How the fuck does she live.

- whiskey, pumpkins and crosswords puzzles. WOW Mary living the life.

*Nick appears*

Giu & Nat : NO

Zee: Oh hello

Giu &Nat : FUCK OFF

- Nick: “Thanks for nothing , pal”

well Nick...ya creepy van doesn’t really scream FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR FORMER SATAN

Nat: Oh, Donna's going to show up

Zee: My girl stepping in

Kat: THIS BITCH BETTER NOT TOUCH MY GIRL…..Why am I yelling, I already know what happens

Giu: *john’s Mulaney Trump voice* OH IF HE SO MUCH TOUCH ONE FUCKING HAIR ON HER. I want him to do it , I want- I dare him to do it, I fucking swear , I’m fucking crazy.

- Nick picking up the clip.... * STREET SMARTS*

- Don’t- don’t try to outsmart my girl , it’s pathetic

- Donna:”What’s your name”

  Nick: “Nunya” 

oh....OH WOW do ya want to make the nun ya business joke to Donna...? WOW

 Nick: “ First name: eat. Last name: Me”

Oh wow that’s- that’s just sad.

Zee: Can I say that I love her pushing him like that?

Giu: OOFTA

Nat: of course this happens

Giu: YASP ( YAS + GASP )

Kat&Zee&Nat : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Nat: Just how long had Mary been away that it's already so late

Giu: She needed to remember how food work

- Mary smile is the only thing we have in common right now

Nat: That SMILE

Giu: Dean is the better mom. LOOK AT HIM. DOMESTIC NESTING DEAN KINK!

Zee: Oven mittens. Ya think?

Nat: "Something is going on" YA THINK?

- Sam is already on his way , no surprises there.

- Dean: “ he’s soaking wet, he’s pulling bologna, and sliced cheese out of his pants. So me, being the big brother, I’m the cook. I took all that bologna, all that sliced cheese and I put it onto a hot plate.It stunk up that room so bad. Dad comes home and he’s so mad, he picks up everything, chunks it into the trash, probably remained him of you....”

Giu: JOHN A + parenting, but also....I love the glimpses on their past, I really do.

Giu: What he made?

Nat: the winchester special? winchester surprise

Giu:Looks nasty..... I WANT IT 

- Mary trying to talk about how much she had missed.... yeah yeah you were dead it’s not that it’s your fault. 

- AND HERE ...look I don’t like Mary but Samantha did an amazing job, like....good lord

- Dean:”But you are here now”.

....well....in the fuck cabin , yes she is.

- Dean: “ Mom that meant everything to me” 

- Dean: “ There is no clouds on the horizon”  fucKING LIAR

*SOBS*

- Mary:”Whatever you are going through , you can talk to me”

Dean : *DIMPLES OF DISCONTENT* 

Zee: I don’t wanna talk about it

Giu: Please

- The Winchester motto

Dean *snores*

us : AAAAAAAAAAAW PRECIOUS

- I’m mary’s face 

Nat: She didn't even offer him a bed tho

Giu: I don’t think Dean wanted the fuck bed tho

-Mary snooping around, yes thank you, do something right.

- Mary: “Oh..no...no no no “ WHAAAAAAT

Dean smacking mouth while sleeping is giving me ex ptsd

Giu: OH FUCK PFF

Kat: Freaking creep

Giu: My cereal are soggy af. I can’t even eat. Also....WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT DISGUSTING LAMP.

- This shot is beautifuuuuul 

- [ 007 theme music plays ]

Nat: SAMMEEHHHHH

- Sam: “Hey Woah EASY”

Giu: CREEPY RAPE VAN

Zee: Come in. I’ve got candy

- Of course the demons keep track of the Winchesters. Are you kidding? they need to get the fuck out before they get to them lol, pussies.

Giu: “Nick what are u doing” ….we are whispering that since day fucking 1

Nat: Can we just burn that van? with them inside?

Kat: As long as they’re both in it

Nat: Dean'd hate us tho

Giu: ooooh he’ll get over it , *bad italo-american accent*  don’t worry about it

- Mary:” You could’ve just ask me” 

she’s not wrong.

- Mary : I took a demon and put it in a box and then I put that box into another box and then I put that box into a bigger box and then-

HONESTLY WHAT THE FUCK OK.

Giu: I swear Nick’s story is stale af. Like...Mark is soooo good and he’s the reason lucifer arch stayed that long , i’m sad if he go out spn but lucifer needs to end.

Nat: Mark is really good tho, But yes, it's enough.  Sam's hair is fucking great.

Zee: True story

- Can Sam stop taking blame for other people bullshit already?

- oooh a storage room with traps like John

- Well that was a weak ass locket

- Mary’s storage : A pickled head, some creepy ass doll, mother instincts, a powerful demon trapped inside an enochian box.

Giu: Ok but...honestly who fucking cares tho...just give him the damn demon so he can fuck off. And shut the fuck up the both of ya.

Kat: Okay but if he’d just think about the answer to his question it’s so fucking obvious

Zee: A demon needs a host

Giu: put it in a fucking mice whatever

- Dean: “ Nick is not a project. He’s not a freaking puppet “

WE’VE BEEN KNEW

- Sam: “Since when do we give up on people?”  aaaw Sam never did but Dean needs to be there to balance ok. And anyway they saved Jack so , but yeah, some people are past the point of saving, even more when they don’t want to be saved. OOOOH IS THIS FORESHADOW????

- That poor man tho.

Zee: She dum

Kat : THEY BOTH ARE

Giu: Even Jack is smarter

Nat: Mary and Nick would make a good couple

Zee: NO DON’T

Kat: Ew

Giu: After all those years can’t he read enochian? I mean….I’d pick up one thing or two like….

- Can’t they use that box for Michael?

*Nick drills a hole in it*

welp....never fucking mind

Giu: WELL THAT WAS STUPID. the fuck, one could think that a damn enochian box would be more resilient. Nope...just ...drill into it

Zee: You just read what you wrote right??

Giu: Yep. Your dirty minds do the rest

Kat: I like this demon

- [lucifer is dead] Abraxy “ Is he?...cool”

Nat: I love this demon too

Nat :Stop the whining

Giu: Omg Mark your acting tho

- Sam’s commander voice : GeT aWaY frOm her

- oompf

Kat: Damn it, she’s saved

- Goddamn it Nick

- Abraxy :” Lucifer planned the whole thing”

[us looking at Nick like we are in the office] 

- This cracks me up so much...I couldn’t stop laughing while making this gif. The more you look at it , the funnier it gets.

Giu: Oh that was ...kinda hot. DEAN NAUGHTY

Nat : DEAN'S SEXY WHEN HE SPEAKS LATIN. a new kink i never knew I had

Giu : *hearing some italian sounding words* DAMN RIGHT. Welcome to my world Nat.

Zee: Sam pant

Nat: Never not sexy

Giu: H.O.T.

- Nick killing who killed his family and getting his “revenge”

Giu: is Nick finished being a fucking twat.

- Donna saves the day like the badass bitch that she is

Sam: “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, I’m sorry I didn’t know how “

Nick: “It’s not about you Sam, It’s never about you. You couldn’t fix me ‘cause I don’t want to be fixed. I was never broken”

Zee&Nat&Giu : I was never broken

Giu: Oh shut up all of you

- Sam:”Yes Nick, you are. I don’t feel sorry for you, Nick. I feel sorry for the people you hurt, the people you murdered, the people whose faces will hunt you, everynight, for the rest of your life.”

Nat&Kat: You can burn

Giu : That was hot and painful Sam, thank

- Mary: “I know what have you been building, planning. And we are gonna talk about that. We are all three of us,gonna talk about that. So if you don’t tell Sam....I will

Giu: OH WOW FOR ONCE SHE DONE RIGHT

- Dean: “It’s a Mal’ak box”

-COOL....I DON’T LIKE IT

Nat :FUCK. WHAT.WHAT?

Zee: A CAGE OF SORTS

Giu: IS HE GONNA FUCKING. NO. FUCK

Kat : MY SMART BABY

Giu: No ...no smart….that is masochist. THAT’S TERRIBLE

Nat: Does he want to buried alive, oh yeah, Sam just said it. NO

Kat: Worse.

Giu: WHAT THE FUCK

Zee: DROP HIM IN THE PACIFIC??

Nat: HE WANTS TO KILL HIMSELF

Giu: HE WILL NOT DIE THO. THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE, IM NOT EVEN GONNA GET OFF CAPS.

Nat: WELL, HE WILL SOONER OR LATER

Giu: BUT WOULDN’T M KEEP HIM ALIVE THO

- Sam: “You and Michael, trapped...for eternity?”

- Dean: “It’s the only sane play I’ve got”

- Dean:” The door is giving. I can feel it giving”

Kat: NO DEAN WINCHESTER YOU SHUT YOUR FACE. I LOVE YOU FOR TRYING

Nat: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH

- Dean banging a fist on the box is like he just punched my heart ok

-We all are Sam

- Sam:”Since when do we believe in fate?”

 Yall literally met her

Giu: DID HE JUST…...FUCK U

Nat:: I DON'T WANNA WATCH. BURN THIS EPISODE.BURN IT

- Dean: “ Sam you are the last person I could tell, the last person that I could be around. ‘Cause you are the only one that could’ve talked me out of it. And I won’t be talked out of it. I won’t. I’m doing this”

Zee: IM SCARED

Kat :OMG IM CRYING AGAIN

Nat: SAMMY'S HURTING SO BAD. DEAN AVOIDS SAM CUZ SAM IS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD STOP HIM.

Giu: I FEEL SICK

Kat: OUR BOYS

yeah great this feels like the soul bomb and Amara bullshit, FUCKING GREAT.

Giu: THE MUSIC. FUCK THIS MUSIC.

- Sam starting to understand that Dean is “right”

- Dean:” You could let me do it alone, or you could help me” 

ARE YOU FUCKING KID-

- Sam: “All right”

me: *splutters*

Zee :REALLY??!!!

Zee : All right??!!! ALL RIGHT??

Nat:  FUCK I WILL NEVER STOP SCREAMING

Kat : The end.

Giu: Of my life , the end ….

Nat: WHAT THE FUCK. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

Giu: *scrambles to see the next promo*

Zee: Yeets behind you

Nat: I'M NOT OK. SOMEONE HOLD ME.

Kat: Always talk about how good Jensen is. Jared fucking killed me here

                                [After the 14x12 promo]

Giu: ...OK WHAT THE FUCK

Nat: NO, YEAH.. STILL NOT OK AFTER THE PREVIEW

Kat: Okay so preview. I think they are just trying out the box

Giu: what the fuuuuck. That’s horrible

Zee: Did he do it for real??

Giu: It’s Dean...he was deadly serious

Zee: Yeah!! Next episode. Don’t want that

Kat: I don’t think they’ll dump him yet,but something obviously goes wrong. I don’t want to wait a week but also don’t really want it to come

Giu: Did Dean seriously asked Sam to stay on the fucking phone until what?!

Zee: He ded? Sank? Dropped?

Kat : STOP IT

Giu: Anyway I’m still positive that M grace will keep Dean alive

Zee: In the box??

Giu: I mean he did tell Jack they would have been together for eons. His body at least. I mean dean’s mind can get shoved somewhere . But since M is a sadistic motherfucker , I bet he would make Dean feel everything. While keeping his vessel alive.

Kat: Of course he would. He made him drown inside his own head

Zee: We need the body too. Not sorry. Yeah but for how long ?

Giu: Well he can’t get out. I doubt Micheal would kill himself.

Zee: True. But also stay trapped for ever?

Giu: M is patient

Kat: I feel like that would be a fate worse than death for him. But he is patient af

Giu: I need to go have a jog because my whole body is wired up in tension

Zee: I need to crumble in a corner and slowly die

Kat: I can’t sleep, I’m all riled up again

Nat: * is trying to clock in at work*

. Well well WHAT A FUCKING RIDE.

WE HATED IT.

.

.

If you want to get tagged in the future ones send an ask HERE or to @waywardbaby or a smoke signal, idk whatever I’m tired af.

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[holydepths-blog]

✩ watergate :3

this took too fucking long

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? i feel like emma cos she’s more angry dramatic and he’s more emo dramatic but i was also gonna say he probably should to accomodate for his heightWho threatens to leave but never actually does? neither of them, they’ve both left one another repeatedly. Who actually keeps their word and leaves? both of them, see above. Who trashes the house? i don’t think either of them … i can’t see him ever doing it but if he did she would kick his ass things need to be NEAT Do either of them get physical? basement gate tease ! but no … it’s soft ….  that’s been erased from my memory … they’re emo not violent  How often do they argue/disagree? all the time but about #dumb shit nowadays … used to be more serious but now? you like chocolate ice cream better? … idiot  Who is the first to apologise? if they had a penny for every time mickey has apologised to her both of them could quit their low salary jobs and move to france 

Sex:

Who is on top? bold of u to assume they aren’t both switches Who is on the bottom? ^Who has the strangest desires? Any kinks? mind ur fucking business … snuggling is a kink Who’s dominant in bed? i don’t think dominant has ever been in either of their vocabulary where’s the john mulaney gif abt soup in the lap … regaurdless … probably he has to be she’s babyIs head ever in the equation? she suck the dick for free and mickey is a good boy, he knows how to go down on a womf If so, who is better at performing it? i don’t know how sex works is it easier to eat thrussy or suck a dick … they both try the only thing that matters is that once he said she was better at sex than [ redacted ] Ever had sex in public? private public … like not dressing room public but like, romantic lookout in a car public … hope no coppers come 2 shine their flashlight Who moans the most? idk if this is my sexism or my lesbian but women should, legally, be required to moan more than menWho leaves the most marks? he better swallow his masculinity and get used to concealer but i feel like that wld not be an issue for him, king ! he can’t borrow hers though it won’t match Who screams the loudest? WHO YELLSWho is the more experienced of the two? mickey. fucking duh. Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? they make love :3Rough or soft? soft … unlike his penis How long do they usually last? haha 8 seconds joe goldberg tease? idk how long sex even lasts in general …. solidly average is my guess Is protection used? he better wrap it before he taps it my girl cannot afford plan b . so yesDoes it ever get boring? not …. boring but ….. consistent. when emma gets too drunk she asks odette for sex advice bc she doesn’t want to bore ickey Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? nowhere is strange if ur brave enough.

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? …. yes ….If so, how many children do your muses want/have? she wants 27 children actually but literally anything from 1-30 will suffice …. they need a lot of help on his inevitable farm Who is the favorite parent? mickey is the fun parent so u already know who it is Who is the authoritative parent? REMEMBER the clip i sent u from the marky mark movie … she’s always the bad guy until he gets #fedup and he has to remind her that she’s not doing it this time AJSDKF Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? honeslty both of them unless emma hoards all the candy … selfish  Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? both of them they make fucking SIGNS …. its a little league game u dont need to paint the football stripes on ur faceWho goes to parent teacher interviews? they both go but mickey is better at them because emma always goes into teacher mode and tries to talk about Who changes the diapers? mickey does he’s a NURSE he is not grossed out , she is . baby poop is rank Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? where tf is that gifset from prison break when u need it … she does but only because she hates diapers and it’s only fair to pop a tiddie out every night for ur kid in exchangeWho spends the most time with the children? ummmm FAMILY FUN NIGHT x Who packs their lunch boxes?Who gives their children ‘the talk’? mickey he is obligated as a medical professional she don’t teach sex ed …. Who cleans up after the kids? emma but only because she’s a neat freak Who worries the most? both of them try to pretend they’re VERY cool and nonchalant and this is actually very easy until one of them cracks (probably her) and they both worry together constantly . solidarity babey ! ….. moreso her tho u cannot change my mind Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? auntie odette change my mind we said FUCK watergate lives , emdette rise 

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? both of them …. constntly …. disgusting Who is the little spoon? [ jake peralta vc ] everyone likes to be the little spoon, it makes them feel safe ! LOOK HERE buddy …. he is and i dont take questions , even when he was 10 ft Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? can he fucking keep his hands AWF …. thats coming from me not emma she appreciates it Who struggles to keep their hands to themself? both of them …. its CONSTANT … hand on the shoulder , touching someone’s back as u walk past …. SOFT ! n then the one gif  u sent from superstore where amy slaps jonah’s ass that’s emma How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?  they actually fall asleep cuddling and wake up complaining abt falling asleep in a uncomfortable position… shut up abt ur back pain ur not 80 Who gives the most kisses? KISS kisses …. he. but know … she’s always kissing him on the cheek What is their favourite non-sexual activity? this is gonna sound g*y as hell but stay with me here ………. just being in the same place , even when they’re doing diff stuff . TOGETHERNESS …. vomit time Where is their favourite place to cuddle? the couch , i retract my statement about them not being 80 they actually fall asleep watching tv Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? casually ? she … to actually initiate eye emoji ? he How often do they get time to themselves? all the time , they know 2 other people 

Sleeping:

Who snores? he does im hcing this for ur own character If both do, who snores the loudest? she doesn’t SNORE she’s a lady Do they share a bed or sleep separately? they’ve been in 200 different stages of relationship ……. OTHER than depending on that , she sleeps better w him there :3If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? they start far apart cos she’s a blanket hog but she always ends up next 2 him Who talks in their sleep? she mumbles sometimes ….. its nothing coherent What do they wear to bed? she owns 47 different stupid size xxxxxxxl shirts that were 2 bucks  from walmart and wears only that . i bet mickey owns a bathrobe, bourgeois pig … Are either of your muses insomniacs? idk she reads a chapter of whatever dumb shit she’s reading and has tea or wine and conks out ….. idk his business Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? idk abt taking them and ik its not the point but shes anal retentive abt keeping medicine in the medicine cabinet so THERE BETTER NOT BE Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? AS I SAID … they start out on opposite sides of the beg and end up more tangled than tangled (20whatever) Who wakes up with bed hair? his hair is floofy ,,,, Who wakes up first? i feel like that depends on his shifts …. she wakes up at the same damn time every week day …. weekends though she sleeps in for 10 yrs so him Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? emma tries and he has to leave bed anyway because the fire alarm goes off  What is their favourite sleeping position? she prefers it when she has all the blankets Who hogs the sheets? she does Do they set an alarm each night? they have JOBS does she look like pippa to u Can a television be found in their bedroom? yes so she can cry over dumb rom coms over somewhere other than the couch …… he’s invested in them , change my mind Who has nightmares? i already know ur about to say he does so im calling the cops on u end of story Who has ridiculous dreams? all of emma’s dreams are indistinguishable from bad acid trips Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? she sleeps in the fetal position he seems like a sprawler …..Who makes the bed? emma …. its gotta be CLEAN and if he ever says “why make it we’re just gonna sleep there again” its on SIGHT What time is bed time? whenever she passes out , always before midnight , considering they’re 72Any routines/rituals before bed? i bet they brush their teeth at the same time to see who can do it faster like they’re five year olds …. or that gifset from new girl where he’s like “ u read my walking dead fanfic ? ”Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? emma takes three cups of coffee to be able to be her CHIPPER self …. 

Work:

Who is the busiest? she has like a 6 hour work day so he for sure Who rakes in the highest income? i just googled nurses versus preschool teachers and he makes twice what she does …. laughs nervously …. glad she’s going back 2 school but elementary teachers STILL make less …. mr talbot got COIN ! Are any of your muses unemployed? no , freeloading is ILLEGAL Who takes the most sick days? i feel like the two worst jobs to go into sick are a literal hospital with immunocompromised people and a preschool with toddlers who dont wash their hands …. equal maybe Who is more likely to turn up late to work? despite her original beef with odette in the apocalypse verse emma is NEVER late to work Who sucks up to their boss? she cooks dinner , a nice LASAGNA for whoever to heat up and mickey has to break it to her that making whoever her superior is eat what tastes like glue will in fact , damage their relationship What are their jobs? hes a nursey  boy …. shes a teacher Who stresses the most? about life in general? her. about work? probably him. he’s dealing with LIVES she’s got the alphabet Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? they better they aren’t getting paid enough to hate it Are your muses financially stable? they’re not rich but they’re not dying and that’s what matters 

Home:

Who does the washing? emma because it relaxes her Who takes out the trash? he better , she does not like to  LOOK at things once they are thrown out … its smelly Who does the ironing? neither of them have ironed anything in their lives Who does the cooking? HE HAS TO IDC if he isn’t fuckign gordon ramsay she’ll kill them Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? emma Who is messier? if he leaves a single sock on the floor he is automatically messier than her Who leaves the toilet roll empty? that’s satanic neither of them Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? he does …. its just not REALISTIC that she does Who forgets to flush the toilet? that’s gross ……hopefully neither ….. DISGOSTEING.mp4Who is the prankster around the house? anything STUPID is hers and hers alone but i feel like he’d do something relatively innocent and it would go HORRIBLY wrong like , hey emma come get y’all juice ….Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? despite being organized in every other aspect of her life emma has never kept track of keys in her life its a disease Who mows the lawn? he does , he shld do it shirtless so she can objectify him Who answers the telephone? mickey, she truly stares at it hoping it’ll go away Who does the vacuuming? emmaWho does the groceries? she would make HORRIBLE decisions ,,, he shld make the list and she shld get it Who takes the longest to shower? no sexism but she’s a girl Who spends the most time in the bathroom? see above 

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? yES like … they can afford groceries , make rent , but for literally every american except jeff bezos money is a problem in some area . this isn’t a hc just a capitalist hellscape How many cars do they own? two …. neither of them are very nice cars Do they own their home or do they rent? rent unless/until he gets the farm of his dreams Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? countryside thats where FARMS are … but like rn , coast cos there’s the ocean in town Do they live in the city or in the country? see above bbgDo they enjoy their surroundings? the goats of the future and the noisy neighbors of the current and past eras both leave something to be desired , but in general yes What’s their song? not to go all modern au but remember when stereo hearts was on their 2011 mixtape AJSKDF …. issa bop and its arguably the most cutesy singable on the playlist What do they do when they’re away from each other? bitch idk ? exist as human beings ?Where did they first meet? idk she probably met him for coffee or sum before moving in together to make sure he wasn’t a serial killer How did they first meet? they were roommates … oh my god they were roommates …. she prolly put an ad in the paper very lucky she did not get murdered x Who spends the most money when out shopping? i feel like neither of them are big spenders but her sticker and colored pen budget is larger than it should be Who’s more likely to flash their assets? i thought this was talking about tits for a second but im assuming mone ? they keep it humble Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? they both do , bullying one another is a bonding experience Any mental issues? more than you know my guy Who’s terrified of bugs? if she sees a SPIDER she floors it , but she releases most other bugs …. he better kill anything w 8 legs tho Who kills the spiders around the house? mickey , as described above wow im psychic Their favourite place? they can make any place work together … gay but true , just like me Who pays the bills? she has a special binder just for taxes Do they have any fears for their future? all the fears actually Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? she cannot cook but she has 10/10 ordered takeout , put it on plates and been like :the happy version of the pensive emoji yk the one: i cooked it while the reciept is still on the counter Who uses up all of the hot water? thats very selfish she wld never but she also showers first bc she doesn’t trust him not to ….. Who’s the tallest? they , in american , are the SAME HEIGHT ,,, fuck centimeters Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?Who wanders around in their underwear? clothes are oppressive let them both do it coward Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? it probably turns into a competition until they’re both singing at the top of their lungs …. omg watergate you’re gonna burst a vocal cord oh my god they can’t hear us they have airpods in What do they tease each other about? literally everything …. one of them BREAHTES wrong and the other is like “ ah didnt realise the asthma express was in town “ Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? mickey literally dresses like the fresh prince so u already answered that for me Do they have mutual friends? can the real jack detler please stand up Who crushed first? she ……. did not immediately fall in love with him let me tell u , it took her some solid MONTHS to realise she was in deep for his bitch ass Any alcohol or substance related problems? i wld hope not , #stubie twWho is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? them , together , for getting kicked out of the bar for singing Who swears the most? neither ? 

[frenchiestan]

14x01 Reactions

I couldn’t get any livestreams to work last night but I really REALLY wanted to liveblog it so I’m just gonna make a post about it instead. If i like this i’ll probably do it whenever i miss an episode airing! Anyhoo, enjoy watching me die slowly in text form

First shot Sam driving Baby??!? Are you kidding me?? r u d e

also bearded Sam *drooling*

i never knew what Muslim prayers said before and they’re super close to Catholic ones. i love that. it makes sense i just never knew 

Jensen speaking other languages was not a kink i knew i had...

JENSEN IS SUCH A GOOD ACTOR I’M YELLING

I’m literally terrified of him this is amazing

and that vOICE

peace and love *cries*

anyways new favorite antagonist alert 

THE TITLE CARD

so reminiscent of season 9 i love it

hippy hunter guy is a snack i ain’t gonne lie...don’t judge me 

girl same 

god i am never gonna get over bearded Sam

FAMILY HUG FAMILY HUG FAMILY HUG

Sammy it’s okay everything always works out...sort of??!?

do you think Sam is jealous of hippy hunter’s hair and beard and that’s the real reason he’s not shaving??

teach her to do it!

also i love Maggie, i hope she sticks around

you are not good Samuel, go sleep!

Jack and Bobby boxing is officially the most pure thing

his hair is so fluffy. i love my soft son

Bobby always speaking words of wisdom :’))))

i already hate this guy...even if his shoes are nice

CAS ORDERED WATER!!! JENSEN WAS RIGHT ASDFGSFBBZABK

Cas looks soooooo good

wow a fashionable demon...wild

this demon knows what’s up lmao

cas and dean are definitely joined at the everything ;)))))

“your life” 

“i’ll speak slower”

sassy cassy coming out but not to play

oh damn oh damn

kick all their asses baby i’ll hold your trenchcoat

STOP HURTING CAS 2K18

I. SAID. STOP.

DANNEEL *a million heart eyes emojis*

dude we got a view of true form.....niiiiiiiiiiice

“oh god” “people keep calling me that” yas i love him

I love the lighting in this scene

the way he said pretty...

if Anael wants love I volunteer

i’m still curious how this whole “not many angels left” thing is going to play

they are worth saving shut your face

hey can i uh....get some jack and cas interactions please

sammy and jackie :’))

yup still not over the beard

get Jack a tv in his room or something

or just decorate it in general it’s so drab

uuuummmmmm who the fuc kis that

what the hell??!?

Nick!?!? wtf

why???????????????

oh wow i’m so torn bc on the one hand this is intriguing but on the other....

how is he alive tho. seriously how is that possible

Nick asking the questions we all have

that explanation seems...thin

idk i’m sure it’ll be useful for the show

even when beat up and bleeding Cas just oozes with “I’m done with your shit”

i like the new gang

Maggie wearing overalls oh boy oh boy be still my gay heart

JACK!?!?! He wants to save his Dad 

he just wants to help and prove he’s still useful even without his powers both to others and to himself and i can’t wait to see him learn he’s not just useful as a weapon but as a part of the family to thanks for coming to my ted talk

I feel like Sam is going into warrior/leader mode to not lose anyone else

i don’t give a shit about your backstory demon dude...just get stabby stabbed already

Sam shush she needs to believe it’s going to be okay too

can we please just have our little family back together again please??

Mary is so worried about him...me too girl

the demon that gets to pat down Sam got the best gig. do you think they drew straws to see who got to do it?

“the shoulders. the hair” same guy same

sex hair cas alert hey-oh

Sam TOWERS over Kip goddamn

DON’T HURT JACK

“what do you want” should’ve been the title 

“i don’t care” so much sass in this episode i love it

“i want the crowley deal” bro you are NOT WORTHY

“you’re not crowley” THANK YOU SAM

also i love that the boys are just the unspoken leaders of hunters 

like they get all the deals with the expectation that all other hunters will follow suit or something

pls demon you’re weak get outta town

you should be afraid of him homie

i want sammy to just straight up punch this dude in the face

wait is maggie in overalls AND camo?? she’s gay. sorry guys i don’t make the rules

i love my parents storming in to save the day

i knew it was coming and i still yelled when they burst in

all the slow mos are so aesthetic

like yes please give me Mary slowly smashing a glass into that demons head. it is very important. for science.

Jack don’t bring on confrontation you’re not ready!!!!

Maggie is gonna be a badass hunter by the end it’s gonna be awesome

Mary and Bobby have such different teaching styles. 

Bobby: learning takes time, don’t rush into things, *insert words of wisdom here*

Mary: here take this, you totally know how to use it right? now go kill something and have fun!

yay the demon got stabby stabbed!!!

anyone else super turned on by sam telling all those demons what’s up?

boyking!sam back in action

a beer is no an icepack sam

casually talking to Ketch on the phone...how things change

Sastiel moment :’)

they’re both so hot...it’s distracting

he’s do anything!! 

Bobby called her sunshine!!! 

one: awww so cute

two: where have we heard that before?? hmmmmmm??

CAS AND JACK INTERACTING THANK YOU

“to be fair we all got punched in the face” !!!! i’m crying he’s the funniest angel in the garrison dsdfvbnmsf 

Cas has matured emotionally so much it makes me cry

Jack, being a weapon is not you’re only use!!!

“i have nothing” “you have me” these aren’t tears i’m just sweating from my eyes

i was denied a hug in that scene and i’m bitter

lol sam had a silver money clip....john mulaney would be proud

dude he recognized her voice so quickly

Michael’s eyes are just devoid of all emotion...it’s crazy how does jensen even do that??

this episode be like “angels and demons and vampires oh my”

[seenashwrite]

Dearest Nash, I've touched on this before in (I believe) in a discussion re: why some mainstream fics get oodles of notes while more original ones do not, *but* I wanted to get a bit more specific here. There are certain writers here whose writing has a definite vibe to it (if you will) that separates their work from others, and your name is one of the first that comes to mind. Bear with me, because trying to detail what makes your writing stand out is difficult while trying to articulate a Q

^ this is a gif with parts 2 - 4, just FYI

Hmmm… this is a bit of a brain buster. But I can answer it, and I think succinctly, maybe with a touch of that Spidey sense you mention:

Thank you for your inquiry, hope that helps! 

I kid. But this is a brain-turner. And a characteristic which, like you say, ain’t limited to me. I’d honestly throw comedians under this umbrella, too, not because I’m necessarily gunning for a laugh every time, but because it’s pretty much their job to take a “basic” (a tenet or fact of life or present reality or whatever) and present the observation with a twist. I think of storyteller comedians specifically, your Patton Oswalt-s, Maria Bamford-s, Kathy Griffin-s, and John Mulaney-s.

So if I can sum up, assuming I’m tracking with you, what you’re more or less driving at with the “how” is this –> Is there anything beyond simply personality, or an auto-pilot thought cascade (for lack of better terminology) that contributes? Are there things someone could do/be proactive about, to perhaps cause this same sort of reaction to happen in their brain?

I think there just might be.

Folks reading this, let me ask you a question, and you cannot look it up:

What was the name of the Sherpa guide who led Sir Edmund Hillary up Mount Everest?

.

.

.

His name was Tenzing Norgay.

Nash, what in the name of the frozen corpse of George Mallory does this have to do with Lion’s question?

I shall tell you.

My father told me that fact when I was quite young, so young I legit couldn’t even ballpark my age for you. The context was that having little facts tucked away in your brain may come in handy. Not in a Jeopardy kind of way, more in a conversational way. I’ve no idea why the man thought the Sherpa guide who led Hillary up Mt. Everest would ever come up during a conversation with enough regularity to justify my knowing that fact (aside from him randomly quizzing me throughout my life) but hey, I guess it just did.

But speaking of Lil’ Nash, the situation for her was that she was the eldest of all the Nash litter by miles… like seven or eight years, I’m not bothering to check. So I had a lot of alone time, and my grandmother was my chief babysitter, so prior to kindergarten and then til I was in about second grade (so: all day long during the week, then every weekday after she picked me up from school), I was pretty much always at her house. Yeah, there were toys, but not a lot to do. And I’d read. I’d been reading on my own for a decent while, not because I was some prodigy but because my dad read to me *constantly* when Lil’ Nash was Itty-Bitty Nash, and it “took”. My mom also, every time she went to the grocery store always - and I mean always - brought back a book for me. It might’ve been an Archie comic—-

Mandatory #fuck the CW’s Riverdale tag

—-or a Babysitter’s Club, or Sweet Valley High, Judy Blume, Madeleine L’Engle, Zilpha Keatley Snyder, you get my point. Some small paperback. It would piss Dad off because he’s a cheap bastard and two buck books once or twice a month were really gonna cut into the savings [eyeroll] but also, in a way, because I’d kill it in a half day/a day. Wouldn’t put it down. After awhile, I started writing my own silly little kid stories, then - and this is where the creative writing love came about -  I started writing soap operas for my Barbies. (When I was older - like, 5th grade? 6th grade, maybe? - none of my peers were still playing with Barbies, and I got made fun of when, at a sleepover, they saw my stash. And I was like - No, no, no. Those aren’t for playing. That’s my cast.)

Time went on, and when I was bored at post-church lunch/dinners, I would also read the old encyclopedias at my grandmother’s, the ones from the late ‘60s/early ‘70s that she had for my mom and my aunt. As I got even older and became fascinated with rooting through the boxes in gran’s basement, looking at all the cool old clothes, I stumbled upon my aunt’s collection of Whoa-Hooooo Shit There’s No Way My Grandparents Knew You Read These books. Those kinda Harlequin-esque ones, except my aunt’s tastes run close to mine, none were the same shtick with different covers, shmultzy-sappy romance, there was always some sort of intrigue along with the sexy times, and she also had, like, every legit V. C. Andrews (meaning: not the ones from the ghostwriter, this was way before her death) book.

What is my point? I read a LOT. Now-a-days, other than fanfic (which… straight up: I don’t read a lot of that, either. I peace out on probs 80% of it before the third-to-fifth paragraph. It’s gotta sell me fast, yo) I haven’t read fiction in probably, oh…. 12 years? I think the last ones were the first couple Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Wait, no! I lie! I read the 50 Shades books when I was traveling 2x/wk for a job about 4 years ago, and I needed the laughs. It worked. Oh my days, that woman can’t write. The screenplay might’ve been worse, it goes her, then Buckleming, then everyone else. It’s bad. In any event, past decade or so, it’s more historical stuff and true crime and science stuff and all that old fart jazz.

Okay, so that’s #1: Read. And not just anything, be well-read, and that doesn’t mean developing some level of expertise, by “well” I’m saying to cover the spread. You’re building your tool kit, is all. You won’t use most of it, but it’s nice to have options. You also don’t always have to get this stuff from reading now-a-days, because podcasts. Cover the spread there, too. Lemme look at my bookmarks…. 

[Spongebob narrator voice: A few moments later]

I’m back. Science - Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe; General current stuff without being news - CGP Grey’s Hello Internet; current events with shittons of pop culture, past and present - Greg Proops’ Smartest Man in the World; fun history stuff - The Dollop; entertainment stuff - How Did This Get Made.

#2: Keep a notebook with you and jot down turns-of-phrase that spark something in your brain - things you read on websites, on twitter, in articles, things you hear people say (real life, TV, movies, podcasts), and write it. Don’t snap a pic with your phone or make a note in your phone. There are studies behind this, I’m not hunting them down, you’ll just have to trust me, but there are, and it goes to being reflexive, a brain “muscle memory” thing, if you will. You’re not doing it to plagiarize, you’re doing it to dissect it, kind’ve like you did with the example you gave on me —> went from punch action to punch spiked with booze to a punch with a spiked gauntlet.

Which leads to #3: Mental dictionary. I have a large vocab repository, and it stems from the tons of reading - I stop and look up stuff if I either don’t know it, or it’s used in such a way that I think they’ve got it wrong and want to double-check that maybe there’s another usage I don’t know - and also stems from a drive to combat the (still fairly thick) deep South drawl I can’t kick, and not for lack of trying. But see, I couldn’t have whipped out that progression if I weren’t aware that one definition of “spike” is “to add alcohol to”, or of the common shtick in stories of spiked punch like at high school proms typically, or knew about the existence of spiked gauntlets / old school armor. 

And I guarantee you that a good chunk of people didn’t really “get it”, and just thought “Nash Be Nashin’, that nutty gal”. So they “get it” on that level, but don’t Get. It., if you see what I’m saying. And that’s fine. Maybe it got something cranking in the back of their mind and it’ll hit ‘em in the middle of the night, or they’ll be watching Game of Thrones or something, see a gauntlet and be like “Oh goddamnit, I just got a throw-a-way one-liner from three years ago” and have a chuckle.

Related, re: looking stuff up and things that people “get”? I didn’t know fuck-all about Twilight, but it seemed of import to the folks around 5 years younger than me, the Nashlings wouldn’t shut up about it, so I got a good working knowledge of it. Same with Harry Potter, and through it I got to “know” J.K. Rowling, who I find to be an exceptional writer, so that was great, and I’ve watched the movies for the most part over the years at Christmastime, and I don’t give the first shit about what “house” I’m in, nor do I care about what Patronus I’d fart, but I have a working knowledge of what those are, and horcruxes and who Snape and Voldie are, you get my point. I can keep up. But to do it, I had to take the time to look it up. One thing I would not trade for gold is Michael Sheen chewing the goddamn scenery in that battle segment from the last Twilight movie. Have I watched the movie? No. But that scene is the shit. And that baby CGI is horrific on several subtle levels. And not-so-subtle. I’ve digressed.

Back to those notes: So if you’ve got these notes jotted, you might see something else and think “I feel like that could’ve been snappier…. why do I think that….” And you’ve got a resource at your disposal, that little notebook. Hell, jot that thing down - things you think could be done better. I have in many documents a highlight around chunks of scenes for my big dog story where it says in bold above or below “DO BETTER”. Meaning: there’s a better way to get from A to B, but I’m just not quite there yet. I’m pretty quick on the uptake and can crank out something snappy on the fly (like say, in CASPN chat or when banging out a short reply or thank you note) but there’s definitely times I gotta slap a DO BETTER on it and walk away til that snappy something-or-other light bulb goes off. 

Here’s a recent one where I backtracked, matter of fact - that noir spoof thing I wrote? Along with my co-writer, Moscato? There was a line that I couldn’t hit with a good zinger, so I just said moments were going by like a fat hamster on a wheel, which is cute, but not really grooving with the setting/the vibe. Less tipsy, when I was correcting some inelegant formatting and a misspelling [sigh], I went “Oh! Why didn’t this occur to me last night? Right. Wine.” So the line is now about moments dragging like a rolling donut with a copper on its tail. Get it? The cop’s a fat ass. The donut-cop stereotype.

…….Fine, it ain’t my best, but it fits better. Moving on.

And this leads nicely into #4, and a specific tip I can impart - assuming you’ve got a passable-to-high level of vocabulary in your tool belt, practice messing around with making nouns into verbs, and twisting random stuff into descriptors and using bizarre words/things in metaphors/analogies. Like, I say “adulting” quite a bit. Ali - @littlegreenplasticsoldier - I thiiiink was writing recently about Sam being drunk, and he’s a tall wobbly Jenga tower on his last Jenga. Going back to the noir, pulpy detective style, try messing with the whole “S/he was like a ___ that ____”. Add on to stuff that’s well known - He was like a dog with a bone, if the bone was a ____ and he was a ____ and we were in a ____. (I have *nothing* in mind to fill those blanks, by the way, feel free to twist it into sumpin’)

What else…. okay, here’s a #5: In drafts, let yourself wander, and see what kicks out. It can be fueled by silliness or anger, but I don’t reckon you’re gonna get the “snappy” you’re aiming for if you’re down in the dumps and going full-court-press angst. The best stuff, IMO, comes from the space in between goofy and pissed, and that is The Land Of Snark. You can always re-style it to bend more dry or wistful should you need to, certainly, depending on the situation.

Have a sample of a primo Nash Digression that was fueled by ire in a recap from Season 12 (episode 19). I had said - RE: the random inclusion of the character Joshua, which still pisses me off because they burned a character that held massive potential for future stuff as he’d been shown to be the only angel with direct access to Chuck, so, y’know, that could never come in handy, like ever again in the series, right? - the following.

Mandatory pre-emptive #fuck Dabb

[Spongebob narrator voice] A few moments later —> 

On god, I have no idea where that came from, and here’s where we go back to ol’ Spidey up there, because end of the day?

All that other stuff’s the foundation, sure, but there’s always gonna be the weird iggy, the thing that can’t be learned or taught, whatever the quirky synapse is that fires off in my/our brains. In my experience, it’s an ADD-ish sort of jam mixed with the Nostradamus effect. Meaning, (A) we’re at Level 10, rapid fire thought processing >50% of the time, and (B) throw out enough stuff for long enough, some of it’s going to stick. And I whiff it plenty. Multiple times in CASPN chat I’ve been like “Whoo, tough room” when something falls flat.

A specific example: @mrswhozeewhatsis - and I think you saw this, but anyone else seeing this may not have - gave probably the most fantastic analogy I’ve seen regarding the whole “getting it” thing, and while it was on the topic of meaty plots that get too far into the weeds (my specialty) and how it can lessen appeal to a broader audience, it still applies here. 

She said “Sometimes, when I’m reading something of yours, I feel like there’s a joke I’m missing. It’s like watching Spaceballs without having seen Star Wars.” I say that to say - nobody’s gonna land references that cover the spread 100% of the time. And, y’know, fine. I figure maybe it’ll prompt someone to do a quick google for - well, let’s use Spaceballs. Most folks will no doubt get the Star Wars part, but maybe not Spaceballs. Maybe they’ll check it out, find something they enjoy. Or learn a new word. Or get a brainstorm for a story. Who knows?

Last tip: Don’t actively mimic anyone’s style. Much fail. And I don’t only mean because if they’re on a social Venn diagram with you, would likely recognize themselves in your stuff——

Takes a moment to wave to the peeps still trying with me! #bless your hearts

—–but because it’s fucking hard. I did it broadly on the noir thing, that’s not a hard thing, to homage generalities, but the way I’m messing with doing this on that silly Princess Bride series? Purposefully styling it like Goldman? It’s good  challenging and all, and it is making it feel more in the groove with the book/movie, but I have to be in the right frame of mind or it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard, and when I have pushed it, then gone back, it’s sloggy, soggy garbage.

I say all that to say: it’s an amalgam of brain-wiring/personality, and world/life perspective(s), and knowledge acquired over time. The first just is; the second will evolve in myriad ways, maybe for the better, maybe for the worse; the last is the one where you/we have control, we can fill bucket after bucket of information, and the well won’t ever run dry.

Sorry this took so long. I kept adding and subtracting. This is the edited version, if you can believe it. Welcome to Nash Brain. 😉