#**basically all the things I've been keeping bottled up about how I felt these past couple days**

[heathertsuki]

TADC - Episode 4: Short thoughts about Jax, Zooble and Ragatha + some goofy shit (SPOILERS AHEAD, HOES!)

Apart from giving us a well-needed glimpse into Gangle's mind and past, we got to see how our scrimblos deal with the silent insanity of normality in a fast-food chain environment. Not as the clients, but the workers, of course. Firstly, we get to see a defeated Jax, conforming to the situation around him because it's all he can do, especially after being stuck glued to a screen. He was, for once, truly stripped of all control, and thus unable to get a kick out of the whole thing. Though perhaps not in a more humiliating way than when Ragatha tied him up. Not a whole deconstruction of his psyche just yet, but definitely a look into another side of his. It felt nearly personal, if you ask me... Was he also a fast food employee before, much like Zooble? Kinda fits tbh! And Zooble getting to be themselves again. God I've been yearning for more of her and we've REALLY been getting it lately. Zooble is shaping up to be the straightman (har har) of the gang, and possibly the most stable despite his internal, dysphoric struggles, and I'm VERY interested in seeing more of that dynamic, seeing as how so far, she's the most emotionally mature out of everyone, even more so than Pomni or Kinger who I'd argue are quite mature on their own. One dynamic I'd love to see is the one between Zooble and Ragatha, for reasons I'll get to right now. Ragatha seemed like she was about to be the joke character here at first and well, yeah, she delivers the laughs, but she also lets slip what she truly thinks when put into a vulnerable state of mind. That she wants to be loved, desperately so, but that she may not truly love everyone as we imagined. And before most get their pitchforks aimed at her, I just wanna say, most of us are like this. We can't and won't love everyone, but I reckon a lot of people are in fact, just trying to get by without much trouble and maybe even helping others along the way regardless of any petty issues we may have. That's Ragatha. But this isn't just a woman going through life, it's a woman trapped in a seemingly endless digital purgatory with a limited amount of people who may or may not dip into a state of unrecognizability due to an insane mental state. Is it really the best idea to keep things bottled up? I gotta see Zooble and Rags having a real ass, adult heart-to-heart.

Oh and the ships have truly sailed and sunk with this one huh. Gummigoo got re-used as an NPC and swiftly killed all hope of Pomni ever getting to truly be his friend ever. Or lover, too, if you like this couple. Some would say she was fawning over him but to me it seems more like she was just in pure awe that the being she came to care for so much and saw DIE, is suddenly back, very much so alive. All that for nothing, though, because he can't remember a thing. And Ragatha...? Ragatha's jealous. RAGATHA IS JEALOUS. Reminder that what happened to her was basically getting drunk. When drunk, most people lose their filter and speak a lot more loosely about what they think, so, perhaps Pomni's wishes of being by Gummigoo's side instead of Ragatha's when the doll looks out for her so much is more bothersome than we think. I get it though. I get you girl.

God save this one-sided doomed yuri...

[novisius]

So, I'm one of those people that imagines atleast animatics in my head whenever I hear music. And as much as I love Epic the Musical, I don't feel like there is enough 'non actually the odyssey' content out there (though there is some of that content and I do enjoy it).

I have a favorite song from each saga (though they are contentious for several sagas).

So, more or less just to through it out as an idea that can be disloged from my brain, I've imagined and possess little skill to make alive, animatics which follow particular themes/fandoms I enjoy.

Troy Saga: Just A Man; MTG, more specifically my pocket realms thing I have. Someone from the Boros realm gets trapped in the Mono-Red realm and has been there for years, fighting a 'werewolf dynasty' and has finally won...but at what cost?

Cyclops Saga: Survive; Lancer. In my Dead Orbit setting, prime NHPs and all of their copies eventually find themselves in the Aunic domains where they act as godlike eldritch maths that they are. Now that only really matters for the purposes of Ruthlessness in this setting. But on the Aunic worlds, which have been changed through the warping of reality by their eldritch gods, many of their 'children' are granted mech bodies to live out an existence in. Basically, monsters exist on Aunic worlds and they are just mechs piloted by math that breaks reality. Though, this one may be similar to Toothy from Forever Winter in how it fuels itself. I mean, just imagine if 'club' actually meant 'big fuck off cannon'.

Storm Saga: Keep Your Friends Close; Cosmere (RPG). So, in the space age of my relatively homebrew cosmere setting, spren that are known across the cosmere become sort of cosmic forces (for example, a 'cosmic cryptic's' head pattern may actually just be a black hole). And a 'cosmic Honorspren' that is closer to a windspren than most Honorspren (similar to Syl) bottles up a cognitive realm storm for a ship.

Circe Saga: Wouldn't You Like; This one is a weird one, Destiny. Given the death of the witness and a recurring theme of The Guardian growing past the need for a Ghost, I imagine there comes a time where Ghosts are temporary for a rare few. And honestly, Odysseus and the crew are Eliksni who happen to be getting some temporary godliness from a Ghost to deal with a Guardian who is blocking their way. Why? :shrug: Why not?

Underworld Saga: No Longer You; Tyranny. So, time magic is a thing in Tyranny. But the prophet is not just someone who uses Time magic, but is the Fatebinder asking questions of the prophet. By the end of the song, the prophet has sent the Fatebinder to the past, completing a time loop (as the prophet had the same happen to himself centuries beforehand.)

Thunder Saga: Scylla; Now I hadn't thought on what I would even do for this, in theory I could easily double up on Lancer here, but the felt wrong in a way that I can not put into words. Instead, I chose something that came out of left field for me: Warhammer 40k. My Hive Fleet Valkyrie are proficient in space combat and rely on autonomous Genestealer Cults. The six torches are choirs on six ships lighting up to distract the Hive Fleet from the rest of the navy fleet until they can travel out of the shadow, Scylla singing here being the Norn Queen.

Wisdom Saga: Love In Paradise (I like the Aphrodite and Ares parts, I think the others were weak by comparison, fight me); Odyssey. I could do something else like Godbound, which I enjoy significantly, but man...the animatic in my head is just dark and depressing no matter how I slice it in the end anyways, so I'm sorta just avoiding thinking about Odysseus getting dragged back into the bed by a literal goddess.

I won't say btw that the ideas aren't strange or tenuous, but comment about any of them you feel like commenting on, or if you recognize one of them, or something. Or if you want to tell me how my choices are 'wrong' and 'tasteless' or 'how could you pick that one over the one that is your favorite and thus the objective choice'.

[theidiotwhowritesthings]

Din Djarin x Reader playlist?

SAY LESS. Okay, so this is a messy ass playlist. Basically, it has no real thought to it, but was created solely on vibes. If I heard a song that screamed Din Djarin x Reader (specifically for 'A Fresh Start') then it made the list.

side note if someone who is artistically inclined would like to make me a cute little banner for this story i would love you forever. i am good at one thing and it is sometimes stringing words together in a coherent and amusing way.

Hello My Old Heart The Oh Hellos

"Hello my old heart/ It's been so long/ Since I've given you away/ And everyday I add another stone/ To the walls I built around you/ To keep you safe."

Kill For Your Love Labrinth

"I'll kill, I'll kill for a little drop of your good love/ I'll rob and steal stars to keep it lit up in your world/ The alphabet need only U and S/ Cause all we'll ever need is us."

die first Nessa Barrett

"But if one of us dies/ I hope I die first/ Cause I don't wanna live without you/ I don't wanna ever learn/ How to fall asleep without you."

Ocean (ft. Khalid) Martin Garrix

"You could put an ocean between our love, love, love/ It won't keep us apart/ You could build a wall I would run it up, up, up/ Just to get to your heart."

I Could Use a Love Song Maren Morris

"I could use a love song/ That takes me back, just like that/ When it comes on/ To a time when I wouldn't roll my eyes/ At a guy and a girl/ who make it work in a world/ That for me so far just seems to go so wrong."

ceilings Lizzy McAlpine

"Bed sheets, no clothes/ Touch me like nobody else does/ Lovely to just lay here with you/ You're kinda cute and I would say all of this/ But I don't wanna ruin the moment."

Oh My Stars Andrew Belle

"Everything you see is ours, or it could be if you would try/ I wish you would, I wish you might, oh/ If everything you've said to me has been true, oh/ Then all my stars are leadin' me to you, oh."

The Anchor Bastille

"Morning, noon, day, or night/ You were the light that is blinding me/ You're the anchor that I tie to my brain/ Cause when it feels like I'm lost at sea/ You're the song I sing again and again/ All the time, all the time/ I think of you all the time."

Castaway Brett Eldridge

"If I got smart, I'd trade my wings for your heart/ And I'd promise to never chase the wind/ I look up at the moon, but all I see is you/ And I'm reminded I need your love again."

this is what falling in love feels like JVKE

"I got a lot on my mind/ Got some more on my plate/ My baby got me looking forward/ To the end of the day/ What you say?/ You and me?/ Just forget about the past."

Parachute Kyndal Inskeep & Song House

"Who knew/ I'd be falling like I am with you/ Heart's up in my throat that's what you do/ Love is pretty scary when it's true/ And oh we know/ Every step is like walking on a tight rope/ Gravity is begging me to let go/ Love is pretty scary when it's true/ Afraid of height but you're my parachute."

To Hell & Back Maren Morris

"Now heartbreak ain't a competition/ But I took it in a landslide/ The skeletons I wanted to bury/ You liked out in the light/ You didn't save me/ You didn't think I needed saving/ You didn't change me/ You didn't think I needed changing."

Powerful (ft. Ellie Goudling) Major Lazer

"There's an energy when you hold me/ When you touch me, it's so powerful/ I couldn't leave if I wanted to/ Cause something keeps pulling me back to you."

Dandelions Ruth B.

"I think that you are the one for me/ Cause it gets so hard to breathe/ When you're looking at me/ I've never felt so alive and free/ When you're looking at me/ I've never felt so happy."

Crashing (ft. Bahari) ILLENIUM

"Hey, are you really this good?/ Damn, are you really this good?/ Baby, you're just like a drug/ I'd bottle you up if I could."

Tell me what you think? Is there one song here that you think really encapsulates Din and our reader?? Do you have a suggestion or a song you think of when you read A Fresh Start??

[starlitangels]

hi! about the micro fics, since i'm soo starved of zed and miss him sm, could u write a fic about him. i was fussing over OTP prompts and i found the cutest prompt ever: Zed putting flowers in Guardian's hair🥺🥺 (you can write it the other way around if you want) 🤭🤭🤭 thank youu!!

Sure! Let's give it a shot.

—

"Guardian, look!" Zed exclaimed, grabbing at my sleeve to point something out to me. "The Lightning Lilies are blooming!" He beamed up at me. "No one thought this patch was going to make it back after last winter. But the little things soldiered on."

I let him drag me across the small town road to the patch just outside the buildings. He knelt at the edge and delicately cradled on of the lilies in his hands.

"They make great lightning resistance potions," I remarked, kneeling next to him and running my fingertips over the underside of the petals of one. "They're not bad as an ingredient for lightning ball throwing potions too, though not quite as effective."

"How... how did you know that?" Zed asked curiously.

I raised a brow and glanced at him. "You do remember I'm immortal, right? I've been around for a long time. When it comes to old school magic like that, I know all the tricks." I plucked the Lightning Lily low on its stem and held it up to my nose, inhaling. They smelled so sweet.

I passed it to Zed. "Sniff?"

He took it and held it up to his nose. "Sweeter than I expected," he remarked.

I nodded. "They always are. Almost sickly so."

Zed nodded thoughtfully. I held a hand out for it. He passed the lily back. I crushed it in my fist, stem, petals, and all. Zed jolted. "G-Guardian! What... what are you doing?"

"Watch," I said.

As I loosened my grip, electricity crackled across the plant's fibers, but it was green.

Zed was wide-eyed. "I've never seen them do that," he said.

"You have to pick the right one that holds the most lightning magic," I said. "I can just... sense it." I shrugged. I dug into my bag and pulled out what essentially passed for a traveler's compact mortar and pestle and dropped the bits of the flower into it. A quick spell drew a tiny bit of water from the air and into the mix, making a messy paste. From my bag, I withdrew a tiny, hollow glass ball. With a little encouraging—and a little magic—I got the paste into the tiny glass ball. "This is a very basic and easy conduction pellet," I said, not quite looking at Zed while I sealed up the bottle. "Throw it at someone or the ground near their feet and you can lock up their muscles long enough to get away. In theory."

I looked up and held it out—

Only for Zed not to be where I left him.

I looked around. "Zed? Zed?!"

He was in the grass directly behind me. On his knees but not sitting on his heels like I was. He was mostly upright—his hands held out toward me.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"O-oh. Well. You just... um... you were so deep in thought, I... there were smaller wildflowers among the lilies and I thought... I thought they'd look nice in your hair." He scooted away from me. "S-sorry."

I reached up, holding the glass capsule in the curve of my thumb, and delicately felt around my scalp. Nestled around my entire head, petals brushed against my fingertips.

I smiled. "That's sweet, Zed," I said.

His cheeks and ears reddened and he turned away.

Biting my lip, I looked back to the Lightning Lilies. Star Captains could choose to feel emotions or not, and I'd chosen not to feel a long time ago. Zed hadn't seen how numb I was—yet—but he'd figure it out sooner or later. It should have been heartwarming that he'd just wanted to lace flowers into my hair.

But instead there was nothing.

I reached up and brushed the tiny flowers again. Try and feel something, I thought. Anything? Did I even remember how to turn my emotions back on anymore? Three hundred years—more?—of nothing was a long habit to break.

I pinched a delicate stem between two fingertips.

I'll keep trying.

[mostlymalena]

November 29th 2024 1:27pm

I seriously need to get sleeping meds. I've been going to bed at 3/4 am the past week and waking up at like 11/12. I do not fuck with that tbh.

I have had my cup of coffee and I am determined to write about my list and complete it. The longer I wait the more details slip my mind.

Paraguay Children - They swarmed the Centro. They were selling juice from a jug they walked with, water bottles, candy bars. Some had shoes some did not. Ages ranging between 3-14. Poverty does not discriminate based on gender. It made me sick. I thought about school and playing and how they do not worry about that. They hold a section of responsibility to feed their families. I also thought about how I am most likely a part of a very small group that feels pity and guilt for them. This is everyday life for this country. I could say so much more but what is the point. Misplaced guilt and 0 action.

Buying Process in Para - We went to Para bc electronics are muchhhh cheaper there than Argentina. I rose at 5am to get on a bus ride. My cousins bought a new PS5, iPhone and a bunch other shit that I had to carry across the border since I'm the only one to have a USA passport. The buying process killed me oh my god.

We went to an electronic story that stretched many impressive stories into the smog. We spent the first hour and half on the bottom floor in a room full of displays. Desk with employees lined the back walls and we went around to one where the lady pulled up this program that was made in 1995 and has not been updated since lmao. Arengtine's are very specific, they want to see every option available to them and choose only after they have seen the specs of all of them. So that is what we did for an hour: Stood around this desk with this woman as she went through allllll these things adding them then taking them off this list. When it was finalized she printed the list and we walked to the back of the first floor where we handed the list to a person behind bullet proof glass who stamped it no less then 6 times and we paid for the goods. They then gave us another list which we took up two flights of stairs to a room with the energy resembling the fucking Wall Street stock market exchange. Young boys were in the back running around with packages - it smelled like the foulest body odor, coffee, and piss. In the center of this all were two stainless steel coffee dispensers. A stack of PLASTIC cups - ill insert a pic actually -

were next to it. I said no fucking way they are serving hot ass coffee in those. They were! Basically you had to drink your coffee as quick as you could before it melted the bottom of the plastic cup and spilled on your lap.

We stood in line for another hour and traded the 14 stamped papers for the merchandise. Taking all the merch I was happy to leave. We did not leave. We went up TWO MORE flights of FUCKING STAIRS!!!! Where we handed the merch to a bunch of young men behind counters who took everything out and turned it on and tested it to make sure it all worked. Three of them asked my tia if I was single. It was great.....

That was my experience. First and last bc what the fuck.

I miss laughing and other language barriers - My Spanish is shit. I can understand almost everything but the slang and responding is hard. I can read and write okay but when I try to speak it's like I cannot remember anything. This makes me feel lonely. My friends here don't know how witty I am. My family does.

I miss laughing with my friends. I really do. I miss feeling like I belong.

Apple Boy - We caught up over the phone recently and it felt so nice to laugh. I updated him a little about whats going on here and then we really got into Elon musk and basically cyber bullied him for 23 minutes. Good times. I felt bad I have not been keeping him updated so I've been trying to be better about that. I was reminded of a convo we had in the park - he talked about feeling homesick at home. I understand that now. I think it's a permenent feeling for me now.

Missing an apple a day and the doctors are at my stoop.

I did not think I would miss him at all tbh but I miss him just as much as the group. I did not realize how good of friends we had become and honestly how much I took his company for granted. I look forward to spending time with him before he heads off to his grad program. I'm glad we had the summer together. He lingers around the edges of my mind and I want to know ifI have a place in his.

Poems and making them rhyme - I did write a poem but now I'm too shy to post it here so into my notes app it goes. It does rhyme and it's silly. I will try again later hahaha. It's too cheesy.

Tia and the suitcases - we had just got home from traveling all fucking day. My aunt tries to take too many suitcases that she cannot carry up the stairs cause we live up a giant flight upstairs and two of them come falling down the fucking stairs crashing into me. I fall back spill my coffee that I just bought everywhere and fall all the way down the stairs. She is cackling.

she wants to come visit me not this summer but next summer we’re taking her to fucking Jimmy’s. She’s gonna kill it.

Mother - She visited me at La Colfla the first night and stayed the entire time I was there. Left me a gift which I pasted into my junk journal. Got a pic of her.

Emma - She also showed up to say hi in the most shocking way. Good to know she is sticking to her brand. Her loss is still a hot iron shoved down my throat. The grief is thick and unrelenting. I despise time. My aunt and i were collaging and journaling together and ive never seen her handwriting. She shows me some work notes of hers and it's the exact same handwriting as Emma’s was. I was shocked. I burst into tear instantly and went through my photos to find some of her writing to compare. The only way you can tell is bc Tia's is in Spanish. I miss her.

I miss Brooklyn bridge so much - of of the very smartest people I have ever met. She is so young to be so wise and so clever. She is such a loyal compassionate friend. Who knew the two baby sitters I hired would become two of my very best friends.

That is all I have in me today. I love my life. I miss Ethan and jo and bay and Hayden and BB and Franz and Lala and Ian and Nanny and Dylan and Ibis and thursday jimmy's and waking up to crickets, and making Ethan upset because im using the arm machine wrong, and my weirdly Italian shower. I miss Adam and Maria and their cats. I miss Ibis and the caps. I miss bluepost and tropical lightenings. I miss my porch and the light that flickers. I miss you.

[casspurrjoybell-27]

In a Heartbeat - Chapter 39 - Part 1

*Warning - Adult Content*

Vince

It took nearly an hour for Simon to calm down enough to move from the couch.

It was like a flip switched off and he jumped away and ran to the bathroom like he hadn't been clutching to my shirt for the past hour and despite keeping his head down.

I didn't miss the way his face was red and puffy from the crying or how his hands were shaking violently and then when I thought he had spent too long in there and wondered if I needed to check on him like I'd done with Xavier for a week after his incident, he stepped out, speed walking to the bed and burying himself into the sheets.

I knew it was wrong, cruel even, to not answer him but I couldn't.

I mean where was I even supposed to begin?

I wasn't sure I could even begin to explain myself without it sounding like actual rubbish.

It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him, no I really did want to.

It's just I've spent sixteen years trying to make sense of it all, even trying to forget about it and all of a sudden Simon waltzes right in and demands all the answers from me.

Chase was right though, I was never good at dealing with things under pressure and I just wasn't prepared mentally to say it aloud, to voice my reasoning that even a two-year-old could tell was stupid.

Any of those pathetic excuses I had or even imagined were foolish and a part of me feared what Simon's reaction would be if I had managed to spill everything but if I had, maybe it would've been better that way.

If he were to leave based on what I said, it'd be better than this stupid situation we were in.

It'd be like how I envisioned, what I wanted in the first place or was it?

I sighed angrily, before grabbing my cell-phone and texting Chase about meeting up downstairs in the bar.

He replied with... [Seriously? It's one am. I have work tomorrow.]

I sent a mad face emoji 😡 and... [Now] to which he sent an eye-roll emoji 🙄 and... [Fine] back.

********

I was two beers and a couple of shots in when Chase finally showed up.

He had arrived in some joggers and a basic tee, looking exhausted as always.

He yawned before plopping himself down in the barstool.

"What is all this about?"

I took another shot, wishing it would just kick in already.

"Why couldn't I say it?"

"Say what?"

He grabbed a bottle from the rack.

"Simon asked me why I did it," I mumbled before downing another shot.

"And I couldn't answer him."

He took a sip of the beer, before responding in his 'doctor' tone...

"Why do you think you couldn't answer?"

"That's why I'm asking you," I groaned.

I reached for a beer bottle but Chase pushed it to the side.

"Why did you do it, Vince?"

I snatched the bottle from him before glaring at him.

"You know why."

"Not all of it."

He frowned, taking another sip.

"Why do you think you did it?"

"Stop sounding like a therapy session."

"This isn't a therapy session."

I grumbled before taking a shot.

"It sure seems like it."

"How about I ask you questions and if you get stuck or don't feel comfortable, you can take a shot?"

I chuckled.

"Isn't that against some doctor etiquette?"

"So is drinking the morning before my shift. Why do you think you did that to him?"

I clenched and unclenched my hand.

"I'm not sure."

He swirled his bottle before asking.

"Well, how did you feel when he asked you?"

I gulped, reliving that awkward encounter last night, from when he entered the room, till when he broke down in tears.

That unshakeable cold feeling that lingered every time he was that close to me and then it only got worse and worse when he kept asking me... 'why?'

"How did you feel?"

"Scared," I said softly.

I wasn't sure if he could hear me, wasn't even sure I had said it aloud.

"I felt scared."

"Why did you feel scared?"

I debated whether or not to take a shot, the answer to his question one giant mess.

I bit my lip before answering vaguely...

"I don't think he'd like my answer."

"You fear his reaction?"

I took a shot and Chase nodded to himself before taking another sip, before adding...

"Why not write it down?"

"Write it down?"

"Write your answer down. If you're scared to say the wrong thing or fear what he'd say or do, write a letter. If you mess up, do it again and when you're ready, let him read it."

He poured a shot for each of us.

"Where do I even start?"

"From the beginning," he said matter-of-factly.

"Or when you think things went wrong."

We clinked the shot glasses before downing it, while I pondered where exactly it did go wrong.

[lifesfeelings]

First "Breakup"...

My favorite thing that I just noticed is that I really only come back to Tumblr when things aren't going well 😂 I always want to keep posting here, for my own records, but when I have somebody in my life to vent to, I forget that I have this space! but anyway... So, I posted about him a handful of times I think. Sebastian? We met on Tinder back in April and we've been steadily getting more and more relationship-y. I thought that I was stringing him along. I really liked him, and if I was gonna make a relationship work, it would have been him. We don't live in the same town, but we made the trip to each other a handful of times, we texted everyday, we always were talking about the future: our halloween costumes we'd do together, Christmas plans, shows we were gonna watch together, plans for me to meet his parents, etc. We never made anything official, but I thought he was down bad... I kinda was "losing interest." Not in the sense that I wanted any other guy, but I sometimes think I'm aromantic and I just felt like it was getting too real. I wanted to run away. But... since Saturday, I have in fact learned that I am probably not aromantic and that I instead just have issues... He ended it out of nowhere. I've been obliterated. I can't go more than a few hours without crying, and they've been titanic like meltdown sobs... I can't get homework done. I can't focus on anything. I just came to my office (knowing I have fucking office hours and my students can come in at any time), and just finished sobbing for about two hours straight. He said that he had "felt nothingness come over him" a few months ago and that he had hoped it would go away with time. He said he just had lost the spark. And it's been fucking UGLY... I spent the weekend doing everything I thought I could. I did everything I thought I could do to claw back at his heart. I told him how much he meant, I apologized profusely for being a bit more cold and reserved the last like two weeks. I wrote him a fucking letter basically telling him how torn the fuck up I am and that I respect his choice but I'll be there if he changes his mind. I keep trying to think of the fucking perfect string of words that will move him, the "romantic acts" I could try, the posts that will get his attention... And it's just an endless cycle having to remind myself that it's over. This wasn't some skirmish or something I was doing that I can correct. He, in his heart of hearts, just truly doesn't feel it for me anymore. And he tried to let me down easily, but I kept pushing and the more I reread his texts the more clear it is to me that he has nothing for me... He said he wanted to be friends and all that. He said that maybe in time things will change. But in the letter, I basically told him that I wasn't going to hold my breath but that it would be a good while until I was done. That he could come back and I'd be there. and he basically was like "I hope that this hasn't ruined future endeavors or made you more hesitant with guys in the future" and was just politely basically telling me that it's not fucking happening... I just don't think I've been this wholly destroyed... My grandma passed away a year ago (in two days actually...). She was my best friend and the love of my life. And, this feels cringey to even be saying and thinking, but I've been taking this harder than I took that... I could bottle with her death. I could put it away and pretend that I'd be okay. I was able to keep going. This stuff with Sebastian has stopped my life. It feels like I lost the one thing that was keeping me here in line. I think between moving away from my past life, and starting a new school and new jobs in a new city.... I think Sebastian became my only rock and the only thing I could count on in my life that kept me grounded. and now he's just gone without warning. without anything I can do. I don't know what to do... I'm eviscerated. I just want this life to stop for a little bit.

10.09.23

[cinderacequeen]

I feel like I haven’t been posting in awhile. At first i wasn’t posting much because was because I was too busy reading fanfics. Plus I have 100+ drafts to reblog and I’ve been procrastinating on them. However, now I don’t feel like posting or reblogging anything because I’m not really in the right mindset to.

This is going to be very emotionally heavy, but I need to get all of this out, even if it won’t make me feel any less heartbroken than I already do. 

My precious cat, Reddy, had passed away Sunday morning and I’ve been just an emotional mess since then. My brief moments of happiness are few and far between, no matter how much I try. My mind goes right back to him. I’ve tired myself out from crying so much, but sleeping comfortably now is next to impossible since my mind is reeling with grief, guilt, and what-ifs.

I’m still in disbelief that he’s gone. No longer will I wake up to a begging white and tan furball jumping on me in the morning or waiting for me at the top of the stairs, begging for treats. No more cuddles or scaring me half-to-death with his random chirping meows as I’m concentrating on something. No more purrs and rubs as I groom him. No more sleeping next to me at bedtime. No more begging for a piece of food or whenever he hears a can, thinking it’s tuna. No more hiding whenever people come over or when I vacuum the house. No more visiting me in my room before going back upstairs. 

All of that is gone now.

And we can’t get another cat (or any other animal, for that matter) since we can’t afford vet treatments.

So I’m left without one of the things that helps me out when I need it for a long time- at least until I can get my own place which, again, won’t happen for a while.

I feel like I’m partially responsible for Reddy’s death, even if it’s probably not (good luck convincing me otherwise; I’m stuck in a loop of guilt). I should have saw the signs earlier. It started with what seemed like a swollen paw that I figured might have been a sprain. 

Of course, since we couldn’t take him to a vet, it was just a mere speculation. Then things got worse since the beginning of this month, despite foolishly getting my hopes up (I need to stop doing that; the disappointment and heartache is getting to be too much) that he was seemingly getting better when the swelling was going down a bit.

I thought Reddy was just tired from having to hobble around on three legs and was trying to conserve energy for healing since he started laying around more than he usually did, but it soon became clear that something more serious was going on with him when he stopped eating altogether and started losing weight (after spending a week babysitting a tiny kitten, I just thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me). I hadn’t noticed these things until about a week ago. Shows how vigilant I am.

I had talked to my cousin about it Saturday and was told that since he was 13 years old, he might have not been able to eat solid foods (she had a cat who had been going through the same thing, though idk if she also meant the swelling paw) and should be upgraded to senior cat food. 

Not once had this crossed my mind, which just makes me feel all the more dumb and guilty. I tried feeding Reddy baby food, as was suggested to me, but by that point, he was too weak and wouldn’t or couldn’t eat. I wish I would have realized far sooner, because I feel like he basically starved because I was too idiotic to realize what he needed and didn’t understand what was going on with him and didn’t take his age in consideration. I don’t even know if that’s why he passed or if it had something to do with the swelling paw and it’s been making me feel more anxious. I really hope it wasn’t because of the former.

Regardless, I feel like he suffered because I was too inattentive and stupid.

Heck, I had chose to leave for awhile because I was too stressed out with worry to stay in the house for much longer. I had just left him for my brother to look after while I was gone, thinking it would be okay while I try to calm down. Of course, I only ended up being emotionally distant and even more frantic, especially with each phone call to update me on Reddy and worrying if I’ll get the one I dreaded the most. I then returned home with the food I thought would help Reddy get better. I didn’t get to feed him much, though. I horrifically realized that t was far too late and he was almost too far gone.

I was able to be with him during his final moments but part of me wishes I hadn’t, especially since his frail appearance and weak meows that became quieter and quieter as his time swiftly ran out and how he looked afterwards will forever be haunting my memory. I try not to think about it, especially when trying to sleep, but it’s really hard. 

I couldn’t leave him, though. He deserved so much love and I gave him plenty of it until the last second.

I can’t touch another cat now since it will just be a grim contrast to how Reddy felt...especially with how cold he was after he took his last breath and how the light eventually went out in his eyes. 

Thankfully, our landlord was kind enough to allow us to bury him in the backyard. It was certainly better than the alternative if we couldn’t. And he so did not deserve that kind of treatment. I would have been so mad.

I felt so helpless to him and frustrated that we couldn’t have gotten him the help he needed. I loved him so much. He had formed a special bond with only me. He had even snuggled with me after I had my surgery, which I bet helped me recover a lot faster. I was chosen by him and I felt so blessed.

But now I won’t be able to experience that same amount of love for a long time. 

I miss him so much.

[thepenultimateword]

A response to this prompt from @gingerly-writing

CW: Death, mention of murder, serious wounds, reanimating the dead

"I wasn't important enough for [hero] to save, for anyone to save. I wasn't even enough to save myself. So why the hell did you bring me back to life?"

"To save you."

Villain crooked their finger, trailing the blue hue of livor mortis from Sidekick's cheek to the gaping hole at the base of their throat, raw and black but no longer weeping. A twin wound marred the back of their neck just below Villain's cradling grip, but they ignored both wounds as much as they did the deadly chill soaking into their fingertips.

Sidekick stared them dead in the eyes, hard, unblinking. They'd had such lovely eyes in life, a bright shade of bottle-green that even Villain couldn't help admiring from time to time. Now a hazy film clouded them a pale, greenish grey. How unfortunate.

Villain did not flinch or turn away, but the venom gathering in Sidekick's mouth did not dry.

"Liar," they spat.

Villain raised one brow. "Is that a fact?"

"You barely acknowledged I was alive. Why would that change after I died?"

Villain pulled them further into their arms, wet locks pasting to the criminal's face as they went forehead to forehead. "Perhaps I've always been secretly and madly in love with you."

Sidekick thrashed, but their limbs still carried the heavy stiffness of rigor mortis, and would for at least a couple more hours, so all they succeeded in doing was bapping the heel of one half-closed hand against Villain's chin.

Villain drew back a few inches and quirked an unimpressed smile. "What? Cuter up close? Come on, you've hit me harder than that."

"Let go!" Sidekick cried, squirming uselessly, tears pricking their clouded eyes.

"Alright, alright, calm down." Villain tutted at them like a tantruming child. "Let's get you out of here first."

Tucking their arm under Sidekick's cold legs, they hoisted them into a bridal carry and started toward the mouth of the cave. The leftover inch of chain hanging off the do-gooder's anklet clinked with each step and glinted vaguely as they stepped out into the sun. As Sidekick clumsily attempted to shield their face with one arm, Villain shifted them a little and laid one hand loosely across their eyes.

"You don't have to--" Sidekick began snippily, but the roar of waves crashing on the rocks cut them off. Their entire body seized, each muscle growing even stiffer.

Was that what they'd heard in the hours before the tide came? In Supervillain's videos, Sidekick knelt blindfolded on the cave floor. How would it have felt hearing that sound, not knowing how much time was passing or how far the water was rising? To feel the cold water start gathering around your legs? What a cruel way to spend one's final moments. Then for Supervillain to cut it all off with a blade? That was just unnecessary torture.

"The thing is, Hero should have saved you," Villain said, starting up the slope. They knew talking about a different angle to their death wasn't much of a distraction, but it was all they could think to say. They're plan hadn't gotten much further than a basic outline. "They're making themselves look like a mess on tv, wailing and crying about being too late, but I saw them that day. A lot of flying back and forth, and walking around, but not really going anywhere."

Sidekick sniffled a little, tears dripping icy on Villain's fingertips. "Why were you watching them?"

"I'm always watching them," Villain said. "Even right now, I'm watching them."

They lifted their fingers briefly to twist their square watch toward Sidekick's face.

"Click that button on the side."

Sidekick hesitated, but finally, with some difficulty, they jabbed their thumb into the button and lit the screen with a view of the street. Clicking it again switched the image to Hero's house, the lot outside their workplace, the rooftop view of the sky, etc.

"Cameras." Villain dropped their hand back over Sidekick's eyes. "If I want to keep on Hero's plans, I need to keep an eye on them. But I only get so much. I know Hero didn't try to save you that day, what I don't know is why."

"Like I said," Sidekick mumbled. "I'm not very important."

"I don't buy that."

Sidekick jolted. "Y-you don't?"

"No. Any human loss is a blotch on Hero's reputation, let alone their own Sidekick. They're spinning it their way now, but allowing your death was a huge risk."

They spotted their car at the top of the slope and jogged the last few meters to the back door. Sidekick blinked rapidly up at them as they removed their hand and laid them in the backseat.

Villain met their eyes. "I think you're very important. Enough to scare Hero very badly."

"That's why you saved me."

Villain grimaced. "Well I could go on about how gracious I am, but yes. Apparently, you know something big enough that Hero wanted you dead? I simply had to hear it straight from the horse's mouth."

Villain looked at them expectantly, but Sidekick only stared back.

"One problem with that," they finally said, voice hushed.

Villain leaned in closer. "What's that?"

"I don't know why Hero wanted me dead. I...I thought we were...friends."

Their voice cracked on the last word and a new set of cold tears streamed their cheeks.

Villain wasn't sure how to respond. The beings they brought back to life often carried trauma, but usually, they didn't deal with them directly or need them for quite so long. Not to mention they were in breach of their biggest rule: don't bring back anyone they knew personally.

It was a precaution put in place only a couple years after they discovered their powers. They'd quickly learned that the pain of losing someone was nothing compared to the agony of losing them a second time. People often wanted goodbyes. They wanted closure. Six more months of orange sticky buns and bedtime stories cut off in a random instant did not bring closure.

But they didn't really know Sidekick. Sure, they'd been caught in their fair share of fights, and they knew the basics about them, but that was different from being in danger of regretting aliving them. They wanted info and that was it. A few questions and they'd probably be done in no time.

"Hero is a greasy piece of garbage that deserves nothing less than a good crushing. Anything you know of them is probably a lie. Forget them."

They slammed the car door on Sidekick's shocked expression and moved up to the front seat, drowning out any possible comments with the rev of the engine.

***

By the time they reached Villain’s lair, Sidekick had been alive long enough to be able to stand. They resisted Villain’s proffered arm, but followed them slowly and creakily inside. So. Progress.

On the way in, they caught a glimpse of themself in the hallway mirror, freezing them to the spot. They ran their hand over their bluish cheeks and lips and settled their fingertips over the gouged hollow of their throat. For a moment their lips moved, like they might say something, or maybe where whispering real quiet, but then just as quickly they tore themselves away from their reflection and stumbled into the living room.

They flopped down heavily on Villain’s couch, sending a few cushions to the floor. They picked up the fluffy, sage roll pillow and began smoothing the fuzz back and forth.

“So, you brought me back to life.” They didn’t look up from the pillow. “Not CPR or anything, just regular supernatural reanimation.”

“You don’t have to make it sound so mundane,” Villain said. “It’s not like you know anyone else who can—“

"For how long?"

“Huh?”

“It’s not permanent, right? I know that much about you. Whatever you revive has an expiration date. So how long do I have?”

Villain paused for a long moment but finally said, “ I really can't say. No less than 3 months, no more than 2 years. It’s pretty random…”

Sidekick swallowed and nodded. They definitely weren’t comfortable with that knowledge, and who would be? Villain sometimes felt it was just as cruel for those given a second chance at life as it was for their loved ones.

“So how does this work exactly? Cause I could feel when you touched me but I don’t…feel this.”

They hovered their hand just shy of touching the death-wound.

“Basically you have the sensations of a living human, without being fully alive. You can touch, taste, smell, all that fun stuff. You can even eat. And even If you look like a corpse, I promise you won’t rot. But since you already died, you’re kinda immune to the things regular people need. No heartbeat, no breathing, no bleeding…no death—not until the reanimation-whatever-it-is wears off that is.”

Sidekick lifted their hand up in front of their face in amazement. "So I'm immortal?"

"In a way, but you have to be careful, if you injure yourself, you won't heal.”

Sidekick was already off the couch and not listening. “They think they can kill me and get away with it? Well how would they like an unkilllable target?”

Villain took a few steps after them. “No. I don’t recommend— Even if the pain only lasts a moment, you could still lose body functionality!”

"I'm going to kill them,” Sidekick seethed, hazy eyes narrowing. “Both of them."

With that they lurched toward the door, picking up speed with every step.

"Oh no you're not!" Villain cried, speedwalking out the front door after them. "You're going to help me!”

Master Taglist:

@moss-tombstone @crazytwentythrees @just-1-lonely-person @the-vagabond-nun @willow-trees-are-beautiful @cocoasprite @insanedreamer7905 @valiantlytransparentwhispers @whovian378 @watercolorfreckles @thebluepolarbear @yulanlavender @kitsunesakii @deflated-bouncingball @lem-hhn @office-plant-in-a-trenchcoat @last-ditch-entry @ghostfacepepper @pigeonwhumps

[nancywheelersgirlfriend]

I really love your ronance fics 😍

There is something id really really like to read: Robin and steve go ring-haunting and then Robin proposes to nancy. Both know they can't actually get married but Robin has this while speech like "i know, and you know, and that's enough for me if it's enough for you"

Basically a bly manor propose scene + ronance ahahah

thank you for the compliment!!! i've never watched bly manor BUT i did watch the clip of the proposal and omg now the show's on my list

i hope u enjoy!!

everytime we say goodbye (3,117 words)

Robin knew it was stupid to be caring about this stuff. This stupid stuff she would never be included in if reality had stayed its course and the apocalypse hadn’t begun six months ago, considering her lack of affection for frilly white dresses and an overabundance of flowers. She was allergic to most kinds, anyway.

But Nancy had her changing her mind. About everything, really. In the long periods they had during days where nothing happened - out in nowhere, Indiana, where the town had crumbled in on itself from the cracks - they had hours-long conversations about nothing. About everything. About things Robin had never even thought about before. She could listen to Nancy describe how paint dried. She would enjoy it if she did. 

And Nancy deserved something better than a nameless death in the middle of the suburban desert. She deserved something extraordinary - just like she was.

Resting for a spell in the back of Steve’s pick-up (and by Steve’s, she meant Eddie had been the one to hotwire it off the street and steal it for their apocalyptic army), Robin let Nancy rest her head in her lap. The backseat was packed with weaponry and food, bottled water and tissue boxes. She hardly had a place to spread her legs. Robin was cramped to all hell, but it was all made worth it when she felt Nancy’s limp brown hair between her fingers. Dead-ended perm from the lack of a hair salon, her once curly hair had returned to its natural state of straight. Robin still thought she looked beautiful - a combination of waves, chopped down her neck in an effort to keep it out of her eyes. Nancy had taken to wearing bandanas at every moment of the day, holding back her bangs as they toiled underneath the hot sun or harsh rain. The weather was never nice. 

She ran her fingers along Nancy’s forehead and pulled away the bangs, giving her skin room to breathe. Nancy’s eyelashes fluttered in a loose sleep. She could only sleep when Robin was around - it was one of the reasons they’d become so codependent. So deeply interconnected, physically and emotionally. Robin wanted to cup her face in her hands and never let go. But her fingertips drifted away, off the cheekbone and onto the curve of Nancy’s perfect ear. 

“You alright, Rob?” Steve asked from the front seat, peering at his best friend through the rearview mirror. He’d sprawled himself out across the passenger, waiting for Eddie to return with a few mismatched supplies from the general store they’d parked themselves outside of. If they heard the signal (a high-pitched whine) he’d go sprinting to the rescue. But Eddie had managed to convince them he could handle his own, at least when it came to retrieving crackers and laundry detergent for the town’s last working washer.

Along the street, tumbleweeds made of old lawn ferns crossed over the road. The sidewalks remained a solemn empty, as they had been for weeks. People had either managed to run past the city limits with their tails between their legs or disappeared. But Robin and her family - yes, her family, whether by blood or blood loss - had stayed. Fools, the lot of them. She loved them anyway.

“I wish things were different,” Robin said. It wasn’t enough. He nodded anyway in agreement, though it was so completely nondescript. How to go into the various things they were missing, being a part of this endless nightmare? But the worst, the most regrettable thing was that Robin couldn’t give Nancy anything. She could only tangle her fingers in her hair and try to help her fall back asleep after a nightmare. She could shoot down a demodog for her. No flowers or chocolates in sight. “I wish me and Nance could…it’s stupid. Nevermind.”

“Nothing you say is stupid,” Steve replied simply.

“I want to - marry her,” Robin whispered as if Nancy would wake up and hear her admitting to this. As if it were some terrible secret.

It wasn’t like they hadn’t talked about it. Late at night, tangled in the sheets they never used, leg to leg and armpit to armpit, butterfly kisses and all. Robin was never the first to bring it up. It was always Nancy. Tiny confessions whispered into Robin’s hairline. Or, very rarely, Nancy would talk about it when she thought Robin was asleep. She wanted flowers. She wanted the frilly dress. The white. The crowd of family and friends. The damn pastor. She wanted all of it, and she wanted it with Robin.

But maybe - maybe this apocalypse was a blessing in disguise. There were no more watching eyes. The government, at least in Indiana, had crumbled to the point of extinction. As the Upside-Down rampaged America, spreading out slowly across state and town borders, the army had focused all its efforts on destroying the extraterrestrial threat. Surely they wouldn’t care about two girls getting married. Two girls who were hopelessly, disastrously in love.

“Why don’t you?” Steve asked, shrugging his shoulders and following Robin’s exact line of reasoning. They made eye contact in the rearview mirror, realization coming upon them at the same time - it tended to, with their shared brain cells and whatnot. 

“But I need a ring,” Robin said. “You don’t just rush into marriage, right? Don’t you do that little thing where the guy gets down on a knee and says a bunch of stupid shit?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes, yeah,” Steve hummed in agreement. He tapped out a little song on the steering wheel and glanced into the general store. He always got nervous whenever Eddie was out of his eyesight as if five seconds without Steve’s long limbs tangled around him protectively would end with another rouge bat attack. “But, you know. That was pre-apocalypse.”

“And now we’re mid-apocalypse,” Robin nodded. She looked back down at Nancy, who let out a little noise of contentment and shifted in her sleep. She hoped she was dreaming of better days. When the lawns were green and people left their houses. Robin’s fingers traced along her eyelashes, her chin. Down her neck. She was a sculpture. She deserved the world. “I’m still gonna get her a ring.”

“Of course,” Steve said. Eddie burst through the doors of the general store then, arms laden with goods and a goofy grin on his face. Robin could see Steve’s chest heave with a breath he’d been holding. 

“And you’re going to help me,” Robin continued. Eddie banged on the trunk door in a signal for Steve to pop it open, waving around the bags. Steve pursed his lips and Robin leaned into the space between the seats, careful to balance Nancy’s sweet head on her knees and between her hands. 

“I’ve actually got a lot to do,” Steve trailed off. “My nailbat’s a little rusty.”

“You’re going to help me,” Robin repeated. He glanced back at her and slowly grinned. Eddie banged again. 

* * *

Ted’s Jewels, the only jewelry store on Hawkins Main, was absolutely trashed. As she and Steve stepped through, heavy boots crunching down on the glass spread from the front window, Robin realized that she should’ve come to that conclusion sooner. Days sooner, maybe. Clearly, the richest store on the block would’ve been broken into ten times over. No matter how little Hawkins’ population was at that point, the leftovers would be searching for monetary anything - including the lackluster diamonds now no longer behind the glass. Robin peered over the counter where the register was tipped over onto. The glass had been halfway broken into. Necklace and bracelet holders had been crashed onto their sides. There was nothing left.

“This is harder than I thought it was going to be,” Robin said in a sigh, shaking her head as she surveyed the damage. Steve kicked experimentally at a fallen earring tree.

“You don’t see anything?” He asked in disbelief, glancing over his shoulder to check out the rest of the store. He grimaced in sympathy as she tossed up her hands. Robin headed for the back of the tiny store. She remembered a time when it had been cluttered with people and things, busy upper-class folks buying the jewels only they could afford. The Hawk theater hadn’t been too far down the street from Ted’s - she’d peered through the windows a few times. She liked to people-watch.

And now it was completely empty. Worse than empty, it was destroyed beyond repair. Just like so much of Hawkins. She felt like the ceiling could cave in at any moment.

“Do you know what happened to Ted?” She asked, drifting her hand along the torn wallpaper. She was thankful for the severe lack of windows; the shattered glass carpeting was only really by the entrance. Once she reached the back, where some reserves had been stored and less extravagant jewelry had been displayed, she found no more dangerous pieces. Just empty shelves. All empty and dull. Devastating.

“I hope he got out,” Steve said. He didn’t sound too convinced. She looked back to see him leaning up against the counter, eyes far away. Perhaps remembering something before the world went to shit, the same way she was. Robin didn’t try to pry or breach through it. When they got like that, both knew the best thing to do was to let it run its course. Memories would come and go. It was nice to be able to escape back for a bit, even for a moment.

Robin tried the door handle which led to the Employee’s backroom and, presumably, the stairs up to Ted’s apartment above the store. It gave easily. Whether it had been left unlocked or had been picked, she had no idea. But she let the door swing open. The dark room beckoned her closer.

Robin yanked on the flimsy cord for the overhead light, taking in the rinky-dink microwave and minifridge in the corner. In front of her was a set of chairs and a round table, no doubt the hiding place of the two teenagers who worked here and had to suffer the daily dramas of the richer side of Hawkins. She wondered if Steve had ever been in the store with his parents. Maybe that was what he’d been remembering. It hurt to swallow when she thought about the Harringtons. Hurt even more to consider her own lost parents, whom she’d watched drive off in the family minivan she’d planned on learning how to drive in. If things had gone the way she was wishing they’d go. If the world hadn’t halted her senior year.

“Rob!” Steve called. She stepped back out of the memory and back into the store to see him holding up his hand. There was something clutched protectively in between his fingers, but she couldn’t quite see it. 

She walked to stand beside him, shoulder to shoulder. There he lowered his hand just enough so that she could get a good look at what he was holding - two plain silver bands. No diamonds or jewels or nothing. But rings nonetheless. The only rings, Robin suspected, left in Indiana - unless they wanted to pick up a gravedigging habit. She’d have to check her schedule.

As she looked closer at the rings, she realized that the one on the left had some flower engraved on it. It looked as if it’d been done by hand.

“Can I-?” Robin held out her hands expectantly. Steve dropped the rings as if they were priceless into her palm, letting her marvel as he radiated pride. “Good job sniffing these out.”

“Not to brag, but I think they’re perfect,” He said. She squinted. The flowers twisted around the band as if holding all the metal in place. Holding the ring to her finger. Robin fully shut her eyes and imagined what it would look like on Nancy’s hand. Particularly what it would look like on the trigger of a shotgun. She opened her eyes again and grinned at Steve appreciatively, humming.

“Ehh,” She dragged out. He bumped her shoulder, rolling his eyes as she burst into laughter and clinked the rings together. “Yeah. I think so too.” Robin slipped them into her pocket. Now came the hardest part:

‘Proposing’ to Nance. What that meant, Robin had no clue. She had no speech or plan. She had no time, really. Days were spent on the run or on the hunt - switching from predator to prey within seconds of an attack. The only peace she and Nancy had were when the sun went down and they were able to pass out on the mattress they were currently sleeping in on the floor of El’s old room - she slept with the rest of the kids in the next room over. Robin and Nancy had taught each other morse code, just to be able to communicate secretly when Eddie and Steve were in the bed above them. No words were necessary, just taps on each other’s arms.

That night Robin slipped the rings from her jacket pocket into her sweatpants. She handled them like baby birds, cradling them in her palms and patting them once they’d fallen into her pocket. The group gathered in the kitchen for dinner made up of miscellaneous soup and bread baked fresh by Max earlier that day - she enjoyed beating out her frustrations into the dough. It was delicious.

They all crammed around the small living space, eating off paper plates and spreading over each other. Max, Lucas, and El were a tight ball on the floor. Mike and Will were practically sharing a spoon. Robin stole the good couch spot from Steve and had Nancy sit on her lap. Nancy gave her a bite of her Italian Meatball - Robin gave her some Chicken Noodle.

After the kids had been put to bed and Joyce and Hopper had waved goodnight, the four older kids retired to their bedroom. Argyle and Jonathan would come in much later, as they tended to, after ‘going for a walk in the forest. The others trusted they could take care of themselves. They didn’t go outside of the light of the cabin, anyway, just staying to the treeline and sharing a blunt to calm the day’s nerves. Robin didn’t need drugs. She had Nancy.

They got into bed the same way they always did, arm to arm and face to face. Nancy sprawled herself out over Robin despite the growing heat, arms flopped up over her head and face grinning brightly. Even in the dim light of the room, Robin could see the full heat of her smile as Nancy’s hair tangled with hers. Robin reached out to yank her close, arms wrapped around Nancy’s exposed waist. Her fingers trailed up her spine. Nancy kissed the spot where Robin’s jaw intersected with her neck and pressed her smile to the skin, completely content. Robin would let the world end if she could experience this moment forever. She would never get out of bed if it meant she and Nance could lay like this and do nothing else.

Robin began to tap with her pointer. Long, short, long…

Nance.

After a moment of shifting, Nancy’s hand came up to rest on Robin’s cheek. Steve flicked off the bedroom light and suddenly they were shrouded in darkness. All black except for the dim amount of moonlight through the singular window, which happened to land on the two girls just enough for Robin to see Nancy’s crinkled eyes.

Rob.

I have to ask.

Ask me.

Robin moved her shoulders so that she was fully facing Nancy, protective hand still splayed across her back. Nancy’s eyebrows went up in confusion but she went ragdoll in Robin’s grip accordingly, allowing her girlfriend to shift her around. When Robin’s pointer finger came back down on her spine, it was sweaty and shaking.

I don’t know how much time we have.

Nancy’s eyes furrowed in a pang of deep sadness. It was complete agreement.

But I want to make the most of it. Want to give you. It's enough for me. If it's enough for you.

She cut herself off as she scrambled for her sweatpants pocket. Robin’s hand came out slippery but the rings rested on her palm. She grabbed at Nancy’s hand and rested it atop her own so that she could feel the full weight of the rings and could recognize the meaning without having to see. Nancy’s eyes went wide. With the hand still resting on Robin’s face, she tapped:

Are you real?

Robin let out a loud, surprised laugh. She quickly slammed her mouth shut, glancing back at the now-silent bed of their companions. No stirring from the peanut gallery. She was glad for it.

Yes.

Nancy lifted her hand from Robin’s palm. For a moment, Robin’s heart dropped to the soles of her feet. But then Nancy was knocking the side of her hand into the side of Robin’s - she’d flipped her hand over. Nancy raised her eyebrows in challenge.

Put on.

Robin grinned so hard it felt like her face was about to split apart. She felt for the ring with the flower indent. Tracing it absently with her finger, she slipped it onto Nancy’s waiting ring finger. Nancy flexed her hand, feeling out the ring. Robin put the other on herself, reaching around with the hand against Nancy’s back. In the shuffle, she pulled Nancy flush to her chest. Nancy laughed into Robin’s collarbone, barely hiding the flushed sound. Robin’s hand, now bejeweled, wound its way into her hair and pulled her close. She pressed her nose to her hair and took a deep breath in. As she let it out, both girls sagged to the mattress. It felt like a release. A hello. A promise. Nancy tilted her head up, chin to Robin’s chest, and brought their lips together. Due to the position, it was less of a kiss and more of a meeting of the mouths - a simple press. As Robin pulled away, unable to keep her head in such a cramped position, she could feel Nancy smile.

“I love you,” Nancy whispered. It was the best thing Robin had ever heard.

“I love you too,” Robin replied. Nancy rested her head on Robin’s chest, clearly having decided to go to sleep. But Robin was going to stay up a little longer. It meant she got to look at Nancy for a few more minutes, see the way her chest rose and fell with sleep. The all-consuming mass of her hair. Robin liked to recognize the feeling of having her pressed to her. But most of all - she loved the way the moon reflected off their matching rings.

[oro-e-diamanti]

The one where Ethan is pretending

Description | When you bump into Ethan in Paris, you fail to mention that you know exactly who he is. You’re not sure how long you’ll be able to keep it up when he asks you out for a drink.

Content | Fluff

Pairing | Ethan x gn!Reader (with the exception of one female pet name)

Word Count | 2071

Taglist | @ginny-lily @ethaneskin @tabi-toast @mywritingonlyfans

***

There was no way you were staying in the same place that Måneskin had just arrived at. There was no way, you kept telling yourself. Paris was a massive city, the number of available hotels in the hundreds, maybe thousands if you had to guess. And yet, somehow, you had managed to pick the one place one of your new favourite obsessions would spend their time. You knew it didn't mean much, the hotel had more than a couple of rooms and with your luck, you wouldn't even catch a glimpse of them. But as you kept scrolling through Instagram, seeing pictures of people meeting the four Italians in front of the place you had checked into mere days ago, you couldn't fight a little bubble of excitement forming in your chest.

Well, you told yourself you wouldn't get your hopes up. And you definitely wouldn't hang around in front of the hotel or in the lobby. You had booked your solo trip to Paris months ago, after dreaming about visiting the city for most of your life, and you would be damned if you wouldn't stick to your itinerary and enjoy your holiday. However - you had gotten up at what felt like dawn to go queue up for the Louvre and spent the last couple of hours there, so you decided that a nap was the way to go if you wanted to continue exploring the city in the evening. Fortunately, the walk back to the hotel wasn't long.

You had made it to the last corner before entering the street you were aiming for, when two giggling girls ran past you, unceremoniously bumping your shoulder and sending you tumbling. You were fully expecting to hit the ground, but instead, a pair of strong arms caught you and brought you back to your feet. A pair of strong arms belonging to a strong chest that you came face-to-face with, belonging to a gorgeous face, belonging to Ethan Torchio.

"Tu vas bien?" His broad French accent confused you, momentarily forgetting about the little detail that you were, in fact, in France, as you stared at the drummer in front of you, who was still protectively holding onto your upper arms.

"Huh?" Was the immensely intelligent answer that thus left your mouth.

"Oh, not French?"

"No, definitely not French." You finally said, taking a step back from him to avoid the increasing awkwardness you were feeling about being touched by him, while the two girls who had previously knocked you down were now lingering around the two of you suspiciously, not coming close enough to be rude, but obviously desperate to get their own piece of Ethan. "No, just a tourist."

"Me too," Ethan smiled. "A tourist, I mean. Well, kind of. I'm here with my band so it's not like we have time to do a lot of sightseeing."

He briefly turned around to look at the two girls who still seemed frustrated at you hogging his time and gave a small wave before turning back to you. It was the movement that made you realise he had the most gorgeous red rose tucked into the waistband of his trousers. Well, it used to be the most gorgeous rose - after your little crash, it had bent in the middle, the top hanging only by a thread, in the most miserable fashion.

"Oh, no I am so sorry!" You gasped, carefully grasping the delicate petals that were on the verge of breaking off. "I must have crashed into it when you caught me."

"Don't worry about it," Ethan said, softly, and pulled the stem from his waistband. The flower looked even more tragic now, in all its crushed glory. "A fan gave it to me a few minutes ago."

"Huh?" You surely proved yourself articulate in this conversation. You mentally hit yourself, angry at yourself for being so easily flustered.

"There are a few fans waiting in front of our hotel, because we're in a ... band ... and things."

Apparently, your awkwardness was contagious. Also, it was becoming increasingly obvious that Ethan thought that you had no idea who he was.

"Let me get you a new one," you suggested. "There's a flower shop just two doors down from the hotel - I mean, I am staying there, too, so I know."

He smiled at you with a serenity and calmness that had your heart soaring. You decided you'd be willing to buy him a million roses if only he kept smiling at you like that for a little longer.

"Well, I've got to go now, but it would be rude to refuse your offer. Meet you in the bar of the hotel at 8 tonight?"

No way this was happening. You almost gasped, but at the last moment managed to keep your cool, outwardly. On the inside, you were a mess. Bumping into the drummer of one of your favourite bands was a wonderful chance meeting as it was - but this almost sounded like a date. Now, of course, Ethan wouldn't be asking you out on a date. That would be ridiculous. But there was also no way you would miss out on a chance to meet him again. Preferably without those two giggling girls that were still standing behind him, watching every move of your interaction but luckily too far away to hear what you were saying.

"It's a d- uh, deal," you quickly recovered before almost spitting out the word date instead. Ethan chuckled.

"Right, see you later, then, for our... deal."

He had seen right through you anyway, you thought. But he was still laughing, so it wasn't all that bad - right?

With another quick touch to your upper arm, Ethan walked past you, turning around just one last time.

"My name is Ethan, by the way. You can tell me yours tonight."

Oh, you would.

***

The rest of the day was... well, restless. You couldn't nap because your mind was a whirlwind and your stomach was twisting with excitement. So instead, you had made sure to get the prettiest red rose you could find in the flower shop down the street - while slightly wincing at the price that a shop in the center of the city of love demanded - and put it in a glass the hotel receptionist had been nice to give to you. Then you had decided that there was no way you would manage to relax before 8, so you allowed yourself a few hours simply wandering through the city, no real destination, no itinerary for once, just a nice long stroll with nothing but your thoughts.

At five past eight - being slightly late was still cool, right? - you did a quick check-up in the mirror, realised you were not going to get any happier with your appearance whatever you tried to do at this point, grabbed the rose from its makeshift vase, and left your room.

It only took you a second to see him when you entered the little bar on the ground floor of the hotel. Even in the dim light, the white blouse that he had already been wearing when you met for the first time stood out like a sore thumb. Long dark hair fell over his back in a silky fashion. You had never wanted to touch anyone's hair more.

You took one more deep breath and then walked over to Ethan, smile on your face and rose in your hand.

"A rose for the handsome gentleman?"

Ethan almost jumped, apparently not having heard you coming, but quickly a smirk spread over his face while he stood up.

"I'll take the rose and your name, then."

"It's Y/n."

Ethan greeted you with a soft kiss to your cheek, before taking the rose, pulling your chair back, and inviting you to sit. It was almost ridiculously romantic and if it had been anyone else it would have seemed over-the-top and off-putting, but with Ethan it seemed sincere and fitting.

"Glass of wine, Y/n?" He asked as he casually waved the waiter over to your table.

"Just one. I want to get up early tomorrow for some more sightseeing."

***

It didn't end up being just one glass. It ended up another one and then a bottle shared. But it also ended up with three hours of talking, laughing, teasing, and slowly moving your chairs closer together until you were basically sitting on the same side of the table. You had asked him about his band - still trying to cover up that you knew exactly who they were out of pure fear that he'd reject you for being a fan - and he has asked about your job, your life, your family. In fact, you only left the bar when the waiter had started throwing you annoyed looks while demonstratively cleaning the tables around you.

"I'll bring you to your room," Ethan chuckled lightly as you waited for the elevator. His hand was on the small of your back and it was spreading tingles all through your body. You were standing close enough that you could smell his perfume, a light yet musky scent that encapsulated everything about him.

As soon as the elevator doors opened, he lightly pushed you inside and you found yourself not minding him leading you like this. You pressed the button for your floor, leaning against the wall as you studied the man in front of you. He was a thing of beauty, no question about it, and when he smiled down at you the way he was right then and there, he made you feel like one, too.

"I had a lovely evening, Y/n. Is there any chance I could get your number?"

What a question, you thought to yourself. You'd be mad to refuse him!

You dug your phone out of your cluttered bag. You had switched numbers just a few weeks ago and had not yet learned the new digits by heart. Quickly, you switched it on - and your heart sank. Oh crap. You had completely forgotten about this.

The lockscreen of your phone was a picture of Måneskin.

As you looked up, you realized Ethan had seen. And, contrarily to the reaction that you were anticipating, he was wearing a massive grin.

"Ethan, I am so sorry, I should have told you immediately when we met but I kind of just stumbled into this and you were explaining you were in a band and I didn't know how to say-"

"Dolcezza, calm down. I've known all along."

"Wait - what?"

He didn't explain. Instead, he pointed to your bag - your tote bag - your Måneskin tote bag.

You truly felt like the least intelligent life form on earth.

"I've been carrying that around all day, haven't I?"

While your embarrassment grew, face heating up, Ethan grabbed your shoulders and pulled you into his body. His arms tightly wrapped around your body and you could feel his giggles in his chest, as your head was pressed against it. You didn't hesitate in reciprocating, clinging onto his torso, slowly swinging from side to side. Both of you caught in a tipsy stupor.

You only stopped when the elevator arrived at your floor, both of you stumbling out and dragging each other to your door while clinging on. When you reached your room, you let your back lean against it, pulling Ethan along so you were standing face to face, smiling at each other shily and yet never breaking eye contact.

"Why didn't you say anything?" You finally asked. He stroked your cheek, leaving goosebumps. He had now gotten so close that you could feel his breath on your, drowning in each other.

"I liked pretending."

And then he kissed you. Boldly, unafraid and passionate. You melted like putty under him, letting him take control while letting yourself fall, as his lips moved against yours.

You only pulled away enough to get another glance at him, before once again searching your bag, now one-handed, so you never quite had to let go of him. A small triumphant sound escaped you as you located the key card. Holding it up next to your face, you shot the man in front of you another smirk.

"Why don't we keep pretending? At least for tonight."

It wasn't an offer he was going to refuse.

[ilici]

drunk on you.

Summary: C!Schlatt was known as the drunk who didn't care about anything besides himself. That all changed when Y/N showed up, he's never been so infatuated with something like he was with Y/N.

NSFW MINORS DNI !

Warnings: Size kink, choking, subspace, gagging, unprotected.

Word Count: 2117

Schlatt was in his office, when he heard Tubbo and Fundy's muffled voices growing closer to his office. He was in no mood for business, he was slightly buzzed from drinking more vodka. If he drank anymore, he'd be absolutely hammered, but he held himself back as he had a meeting for Manburg later that day. Hearing the knock he dreaded the most, he grunted wanting to ignore them, but once again a knock was heard this time more eager sounding. "President, we need to talk to you. It's urgent." Funny's voice ripped out into the silence, and Schlatt just glared at the shut door. Not answering, the door was swiftly opened by Tubbo, and Fundy looked at him as if he were crazy.

Tubbo walked in, his horns showing prominently after his haircut, "Hello Schlatt." Tubbo said, nonchalantly as if he's done that more times than once. Funny gave Schlatt an apologetic look, before following Tubbo inside, his orange fur popping as Schlatt's office was dark and dull. He wanted it to match his "heart" as if he even had one. So he forced Niki and Fundy to paint it, "What do you guys want?" Schlatt said, already annoyed at their presence, "We have someone new who joined Manberg, we tried to tell you yesterday but you kept yourself locked in here." Fundy explained, on edge afraid if he said one thing, the bottle of vodka that was on Schlatt's desk would be thrown at him.

Schlatt slowly looked over at the fox, as his eyes were glued on Tubbo, annoyed that he entered without permission for the eleventh time. "So? What's it to me?" He asked, and Fundy sighed, "Sir you're the president, it's mandatory for you to know if someone joins or leaves." He announced, and Schlatt just stared at him, face holding no emotions. Fundy gulped, fairly loudly, which made Tubbo glance over at him, grabbing his wrist so he would relax. "Well, who are they?" Schlatt asked, wanting this conversation to end already, "Apparently they are Sapnap's adopted sister. Dream and them went into the snow biome across here, and found her there. They took her in for a couple days, then she left and wandered into Manberg and asked if she could stay." Tubbo said, noticing how on edge Fundy was. Schlatt looked at him, "They didn't kill her on the spot?" He asked, genuinely confused.

"No, probably because she was already on the brink of death from starvation. She has amor, netherite to be exact, I've also heard from George that she is good at combat." Tubbo added on, catching Schlatt's attention. "Why didn't they just leave her there to rot?" He asked once more, and Tubbo sighed, growing annoyed at the fact that Schlatt keeps asking why they didn't let her die. "Sapnap apparently felt guilty, and wanted to take her in. I'm guessing it took a lot of persuasion, because Sapnap now has a cut down his face from which I am assuming is from Dream." He explained, "Where did you get this Information?" The president asked, and a new voice spoke up from behind Tubbo. "Me." A much softer voice said, which caught Schlatt off guard.

Schlatt wondered how he had not noticed her before, but what threw him off even more was the fact that he could not see the girl. She was behind Tubbo, and Tubbo was already very short, so how old was this girl and how short was she? "Show yourself." He said, intrigued, and a small girl, decked out in netherite stepped out from behind Tubbo. It amazed him how small she was, she had to have been an inch smaller than 5'0. "What's your name?" He asked, and Y/N looked him in the eyes, her eyes held little to no emotions, "Y/N." She said, her voice strong and confident, "How old are you?" He asked, and Y/N just looked down, as if this conversation bored her. "I'm legal, if that's what you were wondering perv." She said, noticing that Schlatt was indeed checking her out.

Schlatt chuckled at her, "Fiesty aren't we?" He said, and Y/N glared at him, her E/C piercing through his skull. "Only with old men like you." She replied, and Schlatt let out a huff of air through his nostrils, almost as if it were meant to be a laugh. "She's welcome to join Manberg." He said, and Tubbo looked down at the girl, "Come on let's go Y/N." He said grabbing her wrist, his other hand still occupied with holding Fundy's. Dragging the two out, quite literally, the other two were stumbling on their feet trying to keep up with the teenager. "Slow down." Fundy pleaded, and Tubbo finally came to a halt when they were out of the building, "Y/N you will need to take your armor off, it's sorta a rule not to wear it in Manberg." He said, and Y/N audibly sighed as she took off her amor. Once her helmet was off her H/C hair finally showed itself, her H/L blowing in the gust of wind.

"You look pretty." Fundy said, now being able to see her without the amor, "Thanks I guess?" Y/N said, not really used to compliments. Her outfit consisted of F/C shirt and jeans. Her combat boots complimented the outfit, "Well we already gave you the tour yesterday, so if you need anything, you know where to find us." Tubbo said, as the two walked to their designated areas. Y/N looked around to try and find something to do, but was interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming up behind her. "Hello Schlatt." Y/N said, turning her head to the side where he now stood. "How'd you know it was me?" He asked, and Y/N just looked away, "You reek of alcohol, I basically smelt you." She said, and Schlatt scoffed and looked at her side profile. Schlatt being way taller than her, made him think of very inappropriate things he could do with her. "I don't appreciate that." Y/N spoke up, and Schlatt gave her a weird look, "I can hear your thoughts. They are very loud and fairly annoying." She told him, and Schlatt just looked away.

"How can you read minds?" He asked, and Y/N looked away, "I don't want to talk about my past." She mumbled, and Schlatt just nodded looking back at her, "So tell me what I am thinking of right now. Prove me wrong, because I don't believe you." He said, and Y/N looked over at him blankly, "What happens if I don't?" She said, wanting to bother him. Schlatt smirked, "You already know." He whispered, and Y/N rolled her eyes. "You're disgusting." She said walking away from him. Schlatt chuckled watching her walk away, before he walked away to go to the meeting he was having with Quackity and George. The entire meeting, his mind was thinking about Y/N in many ways.

It's now been four months since Y/N joined Manberg, and Schlatt has been on her ass at any moment he could. Y/N couldn't deny the feelings she was growing for the overly horny man. She could hear everyone's thoughts, but Schlatt's always overpowered theirs, which annoyed her because he kept her awake during the night with his lewd thoughts. "Fuck you Schlatt." She groaned tossing and turning in her bed, trying to sleep. Currently, Schlatt was having another daydream of him ruthlessly fucking the shit out of Y/N. She mainly couldn't sleep because of how loud his thoughts were, but she also felt this itching sensation that she tried to get rid of by touching herself but she simply couldn't cum. She never could, which was causing her sexual frustration to sky rocket. Letting a frustrated scream out, she threw her pillow at the wall before she got up.

She was now wearing her night shorts, and one of Fundy's shirts that she borrowed, from three months ago. Slinging her door open, she didn't care about the cold air biting at her bare legs and feet as she stomped her way towards Schlatt's house. "You fucking horny fuck." She grumbled on her way there, and Jack, who was awake watched her angrily make her way to Schlatt's house. He silently laughed to himself, as he knew why she was going there. He's caught her doing this many other times, which they bonded over and now the two were super close. "Don't kill him." Jack slightly shouted, and Y/N just flipped him off as she continued her way towards the rather ugly birch wood house. Ripping the door open, not even caring to knock at this point she basically bolted to his room. "Schlatt you motherfucker." She said, slinging the door open, and Schlatt looked over at her.

"What seems to be the problem princess?" He asked, and Y/N glared at him, as his eyes were glued to her thighs. "I will rip those horns right out of your goddamn head." She threatened, and Schlatt laughed getting up, his white t-shirt and black sweat pants, now visible. Walking over to her, he stood in front of her, dangerously close, "Do it." He whispered, and Y/N shoved his chest roughly, which he just stumbled back a bit before going back to his spot. "It's two in the morning princess, and yet here you are. In my room." He whispered, this time his voice huskier which sent a chill down Y/N's spine. "This is your room, what are you going to do about it?" She dared, and Schlatt chuckled darkly, "You already know." He said, as Y/N got deja vu from their first interaction like this.

Y/N bit her bottom lip, as Schlatt roughly grabbed her thighs hoisting her up and throwing her on his bed. Y/N let a giggle rip through her throat, as Schlatt was now hovering over her, his shirt already discarded. "Eager are we?" She teased, and Schlatt growled, "I could drink so much alcohol and be absolutely wasted, but somehow you make me so much more drunk." He said, and Y/N grinned, "Do it." She whispered, as Schlatt thought of just fucking her then and there. Schlatt groaned, and ripped her clothes, literally. "That was Fundy's shirt.." She groaned out, and Schlatt chuckled, "That's why I did that princess." He said, before flipping her over, "Ass up now." He said, giving it a harsh slap as he quickly took off the remaining clothes he had on.

"Mouth open, now." He said, and Y/N opened her mouth as he quickly shoved his fingers down her throat keeping them there as she gagged onto them. Chuckling, he teased her entrance with his tip, before he roughly thrusted into her, making her gurgle from a moan, choking a bit from his fingers. Using his other hand, he pushed her down into the mattress as he thrusted into her with no remorse. Once he saw tears streaming down her face, he pulled his fingers out of her mouth, letting her cough to catch her breath. "God you're so beautiful." He whispered to her, as he sped up his thrusts, not caring if she was now overly sensitive since she had cum on him seconds before pulling his fingers out. Y/N only let out a couple sounds, which were supposed to be words. She was too far gone to form sentences, "Awh, is my cock that good that you can't speak? Did my cock do this to you princess?" He teased, and Y/N barely heard him, making him realize how far gone she was. Wrapping his hand around her throat, he choked her smirking.

This only made him feel even more egotistical, as he did this to her. After a couple rough sloppy thrusts, he let his cum feel her up to the brim. Pulling out, he fell down beside her, catching his breath while Y/N was attempting to come back. Getting up, he walked over to his bathroom dampening a rag before coming back and cleaning her thighs, and wiping the sweat off of her body. Throwing the rag back into the bathroom, he laid beside her, pulling her body to his gently not to hurt her. Jack smirked, as he realized what happened when he saw a stumbling Y/N walking out of the house, wearing a pair of Schlatt's sweats and one of his shirts that reached her knee's basically. "Well I'll be damned, he killed your guts." Jack said, and Y/N picked up a rock chucking it at him, "Fuck you."

[ckjbun]

Kinda an important notice ...

Hey y'all! I haven't been on here much for the past several months, not sure if you even remember me lol

But yeah, if you do, I've got some things to say...

You don't have to read all of this, there is a TLDR at the end but I just want to use my blog to vent.

Sooo ... In the last few months, my health was slowly getting worse and worse. It started with a blister-like rash on my hands. At that time, I was working in the lab wearing gloves. So I thought maybe it was due to the friction of the gloves on my skin when opening bottles (I had to open a lot of bottles which were under high pressure).

After a while, I became more and more listless, I had no motivation to do the things I used to love like cooking or writing theories. I didn't feel like keeping up with any manga etc.

And then pain started to set in. At the beginning, it was only in the morning. Pain in my joints of my hands. But I ignored it because I had this pain yearly and my doctor always said, "It's probably nothing. You're too young." He was referring to me being too young for rheumatic problems.

I noticed how I started to have problems with concentrating. I started to forget things easily. I started to struggle with expressing myself or with remembering what I was gonna say or do. Much more than usually.

The pain didn't stop with my hands. It spread into my arm muscles and my legs and hips slowly became more and more stiff. It was getting harder for me to stand up.

I still ignored it because "I had no time". I was stressed because of my studies. I had to work on my bachelor thesis and exams. And since my ability to focus declined, I was getting more stressed because I wasn't able to study. I spent days scrolling on social media without taking in any information. With each day not studying, I had even "less time". So I told myself that I will deal with this pain after my exams.

Yeah, I know, stupid right?

The pain peaked after my exams. My whole body was in pain. I was unable to get up from my bed. Every little wiggle of my finger hurt. Every attempt to bend my knees shot me to hell.

I know, it sounds like I'm exaggerating. And maybe I am. But at that moment, I genuinely felt like I would die if I moved.

And then .. it got better!!

The pain lessened. I was able to move. I was overjoyed. I thought I had juvenile arthritis (simply said chronic joint pain due to inflammation). But if my symptoms are getting better without treatment, it's a good sign, right? Right????

Yeahhhh, nope. All the pain suddenly came back two weeks after it was getting better.

And so cold. I was so cold everyday.

So yeah, I spent the last month or more getting sent from one doctor to another. Taking blood and urine tests here and there. Going to the emergency. Taking x-rays and body scans. More blood tests. Trying to figure out what was wrong with my body.

The first time one of the doctors told me something about the test results was on March the 1st, after my first day of work at my internship.

"You have an autoimmune disease."

Yeah, I suspected that.

"It might be Lupus erythematodes."

...

A vague memory of a celebrity announcing they had Lupus surfaced.

Lupus ... a wolf, my latin brain thought.

Of course, I googled it.

"95% of the people with this disease survive the first 5 years. 85% survive the first 10 years."

What about 20 years?? Does everyone die off after the first 10 years???

More google searches.

"Most patients have an almost normal life span."

Relief.

"As long as it doesn't attack your organs."

Panic.

At that time, I had lower back pain for two weeks. Right where the kidneys are. Additionally, I felt a weird pain a little bit above my left chest and in my stomach area.

I might wanna explain more what systemic Lupus erythematodes is. But it's complicated because every patient can have different symptoms and I'm still learning about this disease.

But what it basically does is inflame and cause pain to your organs. Most commonly it affects your joints and skin. If your internal organs are affected, it gets complicated. Even deadly, if it is your kidneys. It can basically inflame any part of your body that's why the symptoms are so versatile.

Often the inflammation occurs in "batches". Inbetween these flare ups of pain, you might have no symptoms at all. In my case, I still have morning stiffness and pain in my hand joints. I also don't have strength in my hands.

What causes these flare ups? UV-light, stress, infections can be very dangerous and probably a few more things I forgot.

But most importantly, most of the patients have a limited "energy reserve". Every, and I mean literally e v e r y activity requires a lot of energy. Normally, I can't remove my blankets on my own because they feel too heavy. So my mom wakes up every morning to help me get up and wear socks.

The thing is, if I overuse my energy, I won't pass out but rather draw from tomorrow's energy reserve. But what happens in the next few days is another flare up of pain. So I have to be very careful.

Fast forward to last week, I finally got the official diagnosis.

Last July, I was in Rome, walking kilometres and climbing stairs up and down the whole day. No big issues except for tired feet.

Now, I'm already exhausted before I even leave the house for work.

It hurts. It hurts me and it hurts my family to see me like this. My family is super supportive. They do so much for me like washing my feet, massaging me etc. All the things that seemed so easily done, suddenly required so much energy. Especially my mom helps me a lot. And I feel so bad because she's not getting younger and I know she has health issues too. I know she's pushing herself.

Most of my friends and relatives keep their distance because they don't want to upset me. But I actually just want one shoulder to cry on. Because I don't want to cry in front of my mom any more. I know it hurts her. So so much.

So yeah, I wanted to tell y'all why I was absent and I will continue to be so. I want to focus on my health and try implementing life style habits that lessen the pain. Not sure when and if I'm coming back.

I've read that for some women it got better with age, so let's hope I'm one of them. I will start medication soon, so let's hope that it will help me and not affect me negatively. Let's hope I will regain the strength to do the things I used to love.

And most importantly, I hope my family stays alright.

Disclaimer: I'm sorry, if I got any medical facts wrong. As I said, I'm still learning about it and there is so much info. I'd be happy if you could correct me. Thanks.

TLDR;

My health declined over the last months. I've been diagnosed with a very rare autoimmune disease. Since I was in a lot of pain, I wasn't online much and I will continue not to be. I want to focus on my health. Currently, there is no cure but maybe I can lessen the symptoms by implementing healthy habits.

TLDR END;

If you read all of this, thank you so so much. It means a lot to me that you gave me some of your time to listen to me <3 but I totally understand if you didn't!!

I'm very grateful to have found this community. The tumblr side of bsd has helped me so much during this pandemic. I'm very thankful for the people I met on here last year. I really hope that life has good things for you and that you stay healthy. I'm sending much love to y'all.

Especially my mutuals. I'm sorry that I haven't interacted with y'all for such a long time. But you really made my last year so much better and I'm grateful for that. I hope you guys are alright.

@n1kolaiz @right-on-the-money @samsa19 @banunuisthebest @elk208 @everyonesfavoritebastard @chazukekani @atalina-falling @emmacifer @pompompurin1028 @agni-skies @justanotherdamnedweeb @boredotaku567 @tunamayuuu

I feel like I'm missing one or two people. I'm really sorry if I forgot you. My memory has gotten worse.

Take care everyone! Maybe I will scroll through my tumblr once in a while and interact with your posts. But yeah, please stay safe!

[vexelier-suix-cipher]

"Could you do Teruteru, Hifumi, and Ryoma getting drugged by a love potion and falls (even harder) for the reader (who has already fallen for them)?"

100% I can!! :D

Warnings: Mentions of love drug/potion, slight obsession(?), and swearing.

===

Hifumi Yamada

•Proceeds to rant about how amazing Hifumi is

•Fanfic boy loves you very much!! (Though he did his best to hide it)

•It felt like when a cat loved it owner. Celeste went out the window. This man would get on his hands and knees for you. 🙇🏽‍♂️

•You also loved him very much!! (Literally Taka had to keep Mondo from lunging at you two and screaming "JUST DATE ALREADY!!")

•Oh but what's this? A drink on his desk after a hard day of drawing and writing manga?

•Well of course he drank it!! He chugged that drink and felt quite satisfied after.

•And back to work he goes :›

•He had some music on and his script for his next manga, scribbling out the sketches for his newest manga when he felt the sudden urge to go see you.

•It was nothing too new. Could've been he just wanted to show you the script for his manga!! A beta read!

•So Hifumi happily found you and sat you down, showing you the script for his manga!

•He felt a bit- different.

•He felt like he needed to have you in his arms.

•He needed you closer.

•He needed- you.

•The even more clingy behavior continued for a few days.

•Though you didn't mind, you did find it a bit strange.

•Why was he so clingy?

•You already read this script-

•And read that one too-

•Didnt he have things to do?

•He was going to fall behind in his schedule if he continued like this!!

•So when you saw him walking over to you once again, you pulled him to the side and questioned him.

"Hifumi, you've been acting kinda strange these past few days. Are you okay? Don't get me wrong, I love having you by my side but you're going to fall behind in your schedule."

"Well...I don't really know how to explain it. I feel like I've got to be with you all the time!! A-And I'm getting work done!!"

•He huffed and whined for a while longer as you continued asking him things before he got frustrated with himself and finally blurted it out

"Fine!! Fine. I like you, okay? I have for a while a-and I just didn't know how to tell you-...I found this drink on my desk one day and now that I think about it, it could've been one of those love potions that I've been hearing about...could've made my feelings stronger.."

•He started muttering towards the end but you could understand the gist of it.

•You reassured him it was fine and that you accepted his feelings.

•Which was returned with a loud,

"HUH?!? YOU DO?! WHEN- HOW-"

•*Once again has to calm fanfic boy down*

•After calming him down (again) you went over your own feelings.

•He had the brightest smile on his face I swear

•He just couldn't hold back!

•So he picked you up and held you close, hugging you sweetly

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!"

===

Teruteru Hanamura

•AGGRESSIVELY RANTS ABOUT HOW AMAZING HE IS

•Love Potion exists?

•He probably bought it.

•This boy is already so head over heels for you it's absolutely adorable.

•He 100% cooks for you.

•Breakfast? In bed.

•Lunch? Made your favorite food.

•Dinner? You can eat with him! :D

•And his food is just 😩 to die for

•He does his best to tone down the sexual comments a bit, though he can't help if one or two slip out!

•Compliments you every 5 minutes no lie.

•Though he does turn cherry red if you compliment him

•If you allow petnames, he WILL call you darlin' and sugar the most.

•Now for the fun part

•He was most likey cooking and was working with the oven.

•Ovens hot. His clothes are pretty hot.

•So he stripped got something to drink out the fridge

•He blindly took a glass out the fridge and drank it.

•Drank the damn love potion-

•He knew he accidentally drank it. He read the label he had put on the glass right after he drank it.

•Unlike Hifumi, he tried staying away from you

•Poor boy doesn't know how to show such strong feelings :(

•He still does cook for you though

•And leaves you little snacks

•Did yelp when you came into the kitchen once without him knowing (it's true I was the dust on the oven window)

•Alot more fiddly and nervous when he has to go ask you something

•His gaze is towards the floor and he's playing with the ends of his scarf as that adorable accent decorates his speech

•Hes so nervous oh poor baby

•You found him scurrying everywhere once trying to find his hat when you had to point out it was on his head-

•He was so embarrassed-

•He apologized and walked back towards the kitchen

•He cooks his feelings away

•That is alot of food-

•Once he disappeared into the kitchen you went after him

•You had been wondering why he ran away from you every time you saw him

•You were worried :(

•As he went back into the kitchen, he paused hearing someone else's footsteps.

•He turned around and jumped slightly when he saw you

•Begin the anxious southern rambling and questions.

"O-Oh! S/o! What brings you to the...the kitchen??"

"Teru, what's going on? You keep ignoring me."

"W-Well I don' mean to cher' I-Its just I' been kinda stressed lately a-an' I don' wanna bother you with tha'-"

•Oh sweet boy almost cried just talking to you

•He wanted to confess so badly!!

•He just wanted to hug you and bury his face into your neck!!

•But he was so scared :(

•After a good talk, the confession just slipped out of him mid-sentence

"I already apologized cher'..."

"C'mon Teru, what's been REALLY happening with you?"

"W-Well...the truth is I accidentally drank a love potion and since I love you so damn much it strengthened my feelings...I-I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable so I stayed away in case I-"

"Did you just say you love me?"

"I-I did..?"

•Oh certainly he did. And when he realized, he apologized 10x more.

•You had to shut him up by squishing his face

•After a good explanation about you loving him too, he clung onto you with a laugh.

•He sat in your lap (and after some consent) kissed your face all over, muttering a soft 'I love you' after each kiss

•You two sat together like that for quite a bit, just laying in each other's presence

"Thank you so much....you don't know how much that means to me...how much YOU mean to me..."

===

Ryoma Hoshi

•Ah yes. Tiny, edgy, ex-tennis, cat loving, deep voiced boy

•Where do I start?

•Lets start with

•He's absolute shit at feelings.

•Like really.

•He refused to believe he fell for you.

•His heart was racing? No it wasn't. It's probably because he was out of breath.

•He's flustered and blushing? Kinda hot in the room y'know.

•You get the point.

•He hates the fact he fell for you. He doesn't know what to do.

•He lost almost everyone he ever loved before. Why would this be any different? He didn't want to put you in danger.

•Ryoma hanged around with you though. He was a bit quiet but he went basically everywhere you went

•No one really messed with you when little man was with you.

•This was okay. He could hide his feelings. You wouldn't be in danger and he wouldn't ruin his relationship with you.

•Then the world announced a love potion was now available!!

•Ah shit.

•That damn Kokichi.

•All he wanted was some water and that little panta-loving gremlin switched it out with the new potion.

•He had already chugged around half the bottle before he realized it wasn't his juice.

•Ryoma would've just left it at 'Oh I just poured the wrong drink in' if it wasn't for Kokichi coming up to him about an hour later.

"Nishishishi....how's the love potion working Ryoma?"

"The what."

"Oops~"

"You little-"

•Kokichi went to the nurse with a bump on his head from Ryoma hitting him with a tennis ball.

•You thought Teruteru hiding away was bad?

•Ryoma refused to leave his dorm.

•He came out at around lunch time to get food, go to the bathroom, and then back to his dorm.

•No one was allowed in.

•He could feel the effects of the potion working.

•He wanted to get out and cling to you so badly. It almost physically hurt

•Fucking hell-

•Him. Ryoma Hoshi. The guy who basically gave up on life, wanted to run into your arms like a little kid.

•He almost cried.

•Of course you were worried!! He locked himself in his dorm without warning!!

•And he refused to talk to you!!

•You came to his dorm door almost daily, trying to pry open the damn door.

•With no avail.

•Goddammit.

•It wasn't until a few weeks later which he made a plan.

•He'd confess and leave right after.

•If you said no, that would be the end of it.

•If you said yes, ...well he didn't really plan that far.

=

•Ryoma met up with you at the back of the building, looking down at the ground as he heard your footsteps.

•It took a minute of small talk before he started speaking

"Listen, Kokichi switched my drink out a few weeks ago for that new love potion they're selling. I already had really strong feelings for you but with the potion they increased. I know you probably don't feel the same way but I wanted to tell you because it was starting to get too out of hand for me."

•He rambled on a little about how you would never like him and that he apologized for having such feelings and-

•You yanked his beanie down to his face, letting out a small huff.

"Ryoma Hoshi you have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to confess. You're an amazing guy Ryoma, and I really do wish you confessed sooner since I feel the same way. Now shut it with all the sad shit and come here."

•You told him, tugging him closer by the sleeve as you engulfed him in your arms

•Ryoma felt like his face was on fire. Butterflies in his stomach and a giddy, tingly feeling throughout his body

•He let out a low chuckle, hugging you back and sighing softly

•This was nice. He felt....loved.

•He liked this feeling quite a bit....he had missed this feeling quite a bit.

"Maybe I should've confessed sooner."

===

AHHHHHHHH I HOPE YOU LIKED IT-

I absolutely adore these three.

If you want me to add or fix anything just say the word!!

I had a great time writing this!!

Thanks for requesting!!!

-Vex ∆

[leggyre]

EDIT: im doing better as of now! Can't really say for sure how long that will last, if it does, but I've managed to get quite some support from people so I think if I break down again it might not be as bad. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts but pms basically has me on a leash at times. i'm keeping this post up and pinned because, considering how long it took me to reach out to just anyone, deleting it would be a huge step back.

thanks for being here 🐇

heylo everyone.... im not sure if anyone's noticed the sudden drop in activity from me during the past two weeks, but that's not important, just related.

this post is going to have a little bit too much information, and i will discuss the heavier topics related to my depression, so make sure youre in a safe state of mind when you consider reading it.

readmore goes here, but new post editor only makes them work once in a blue moon so im sorry if it doesn't show up.

this has been the hardest year of my life. i have only been making vague mentions of it, but last holiday season i suffered some very heavy mental damage from something that was building up for 1-2 years previously.

And I think it's... time I open the bottle and let these things out.

This incident is the reason I had to leave the little PSAs about my venting. When the year had just started, I had panic attacks thinking about it -- thinking about my one best friend, the first person who ever called me their best friend(and that was BIG for tiny me), who i had known for years, who i grew up with, even if our bonds were made through screens.... Thinking about how they suddenly just... started drifiting away from me. Going from daily chats to occasional "hey joel vinesauce funny heehee" and then silence. Silence that drove me insane, to the point of tears, because up to this point my whole social philosophy was that I didn't mind any challenges i might have to deal with when meeting new friends. If they liked me, disliked me, somehow grew to despise me, I had not a single care in the word because I always had this one person I could always lean on and their support was the only thing that mattered. I couldn't care less about what other people thought of me.

But then that beacon started.. fading away.. I tried to keep it on as long as possible, I asked them to share the things they loved with me like they--we always did in the past because just sharing cool things with your friend is a good way to spend time.

When I'm comfortable with people in private i have a tendency to just... drop random rambles, weird trains of thoughts made up on the spot(eg you woke up in the morning with several messages from me where im joking around about banjo and dk being boyfriends and it escalates into silly fanart of it like it just happens). I'm bringing this up because it's kinda when I started to feel a little bit abandoned. My thoughts are already kinda dumb or random but I share them anyway because I know you'll enjoy them and it's fun. The moment these start being ignored, like, actively, it hurts me. And that's how, bit by bit, I started being even more shy about sharing my things. It's where the terrible "I'm the joke and the audience" mindset comes from.

But that's like... One little thing. Throughout two years I suffered from being damaged by several little things like this. Little things that hurt me and kept me from engaging further. I watched as they gleefully replied to people elsewhere or spent the day playing games with their cool friend groups on other places while my little pieces of love were left behind. It felt like it didn't matter anymore. I was starting to have panic attacks thinking about all of this. I was being triggered by the thought of my best friend. AND... I started being triggered by friendship itself. I couldn1t play Overcooked, my FAVORITE game at the time, alone anymore because it's a game made to be played with friends. I stayed away from Toontown for a LONG ass time because it's got its little portions of interactivity and whenever I saw other players going around together I just felt.. Empty. This started happening with so many things, big and small, and I couldn't tell anyone about it because it felt a bit... Mean? To be upset by seeing others happy together.

I let them know this. I told them more than once. They didn't need to stop talking to me because of how our interests hadn't matched a lot lately; they could still tell me about the things they liked and I'd gladly get acquainted with the things you taught me. that's how it's always been. i don't know why you've been avoiding me like this. it's hurting me. badly. and i don't want to go away, but it feels like being together hurts more than the possibility of being separated.

It... Didn't help. I kept having my bad lows. They kept on not having me on anything they did. And they kept hurting me, so, so bad.

It was on my birthday last year where i had the biggest breakdown. They had this tradition of.. sending me long and cheesy speeches about our friendship on my birthday. Every year. Ever since we first met. On Neopets.

I've always loved these messages, even if most of the time i get embarrassed reading and initially replied with a "damn thats gay" before getting my actual thoughts back together. It's always been something that kept me grounded. I've got some... Whimsical philosophies at times because I'm very disconnected from the world. I spend a lot of time in my own fantasies. I make personal connections with the things I create, and they are real to me. I always feel like I'll drift away or fade out of reality eventually because I'm so disconnected from it. But I knew I was gonna be alright. Because there was always a hand that held me here.

Anyway,

I spent my birthday alone that year.

It took me a few days of debating with myself before I had a bad breakdown about it and impulsively just... Ghosted them. I left our server. I unfollowed them everywhere. I did not say a single word about it. I just left. It felt horrible. I know it's a horrible thing to do. Ghosting someone without saying anything can do so much damage. I was hurt and I couldn't think.

But that's fine, they didn't really notice I had done that until I sent an apology message days later mentioning what happened. We had our last talk. We parted ways.

And that's the story of how I acquired the mental scar that's been tormenting me all year.

I don't have a hand that holds me here anymore. I'm constantly drifting away because no one's been able to grip tightly enough to keep me in place. I'm constantly lost in my own mind because I feel like I don't belong anywhere I go.

I've been trying desperately to find the ground again ever since. I entered several servers where I got to talk to many wonderful people, I dove in headfirst into the omori fandom looking to find the same ground undertale gave me, I even made my own little server which is also filled with wonderful people, but.... In every single one of these situations, I still could feel myself drifting away. Feeling isolated, like I don't belong. That I don't fit in. And then when everyone comes to hold my hand lightly to say a passing "you're fine", I don't have the guts to say that this won't work. That I need a tighter grip. And there are times I do manage to spill some of that truth, but... It never goes anywhere.

I have been suffering from a much more devastating instance of my depression pretty much monthly because my hormones fucking suck. Long periods of time where I feel lonelier and more miserable. Oftentimes dealing with it by enduring it until it goes away because I don't know how to ask for help.

So now on to: Why am I sharing this now? Why all of it?

Long story short... I have to stop silencing myself. I have to stop isolating myself. And most of all, I have to let people know how I can be helped, because I surely shouldn't expect everyone to just know how to handle me.

(big bad depression stuff starts here)

Long story long... I hit a new but familiar low about a week ago. I hit the bottom of the well... Again. I didn't feel any joy about anything, I didn't want to play games, draw or talk much with anyone. I spent three entire days on my bed, laying down and drifting away into my fantasies because they were the only thing that could make me happy. It was a bit scary when I noticed I was doing it, because that is the behavior I had back when I was stressed out in high school, the first time I actually considered dying and also the first time I started doing my own way of self harm; through isolation and starving myself. Back then, though, I still had a firm grip on my hand. A grip that, even when I allowed myself to fade away, would still be there to see me. Ask if I was okay. A grip that made me give up on an extremely close attempt.

Laying down in bed for three consecutive days without seeing a single soul attempt to reach me was terrifying.

But at the same time it started to feel comforting, because I finally thought I could... Go. And stay in the place where I'm supposed to be.

I took another impulse and isolated myself further. Wiped my discord server list almost entirely. Stopped talking here and on twitter, and when I did I deleted everything. I am aware that I shouldn't do these things. That I shouldn't "test" people like this. Expect them to notice it immediately. But this is self harm. This is meant to hurt me. And hurt it did.

And then.

I got sick.

I am still sick. My limbs are weak. I struggle to hold my phone and do the most basic things. I feel tired after a few steps. My head's been hurting in odd ways. We don't know what the problem is, and I feel like my parents don't take me seriously because they still wanna have their fun little christmas trip anyway.

I made them aware of not only this sickness, but my mental state as well because my shitty little brain started thinking about using this as self harm as well.

The problem arises, or, well, gets worse, when they don't seem to be treating this seriously. I literally feel like I'm going to die at times because of how bad this is. My mother is mad at my psychiatrist because she wants to blame my medicine despite me having proven to her multiple times they're not making me sick. This is an old conflict and her bringing it up at this time makes me furious. I list several things that are wrong with me, and yet on the next day she still asks "You're sick?".

And worst of all, she manages to leave me alone. On a bed. All day. Not eating anything.

It's... A lot of stuff. It's been taking a toll on me. I'm on a rollercoaster. Whenever it goes up I've been trying to reach out on impulse because when it goes down it goes all the way to hell. I'm sabotaging myself both ways. I made a scheduled goodbye post because I was sure I wouldn't make it to 2022. I still have it scheduled because I genuinely fear for my health at the moment, and I know that dipping down low again could end me anytime because my mind is way too unstable right now.

But... To end this on a good note, I kind of do have some hope again. Because I finally managed to reach out in a way that matters. Took another one of these impulse cards. Let her know what my head is thinking, even if it's ugly. It's.. Very important to have someone be aware of how dangerous it is to leave me alone right now. I have reached out to some friends too and started to lean more on them, though I do know they won't always be there.

...And that's all. Well, not really because there's a lot to this but I told everything that matters hopefully. This post is also me reaching out. But it's also... Just unloading a lot of stuff that's been plaguing me for almost three years now. Maybe four? It's been killing me from inside, and I know writing this is a big step towards recovery.

if you.. come across me feeling lonely just.. stop for a chat, really. im up to hear any very specific facts about frogs you might have. im really bad at opening up to anyone, and im also bad at handling "are you okay?" because I don't want to say no. But, hey, you don't have to hold me here but, uh

thanks for listening.

its almost 5 am im going to bed haha

[sweet-hydrangea-tea]

small hc dump

I made a submissions for characters in a Cookie Run server inspired by PMD. I submitted two characters I've never played as before and I wanna share the hcs I made up for them on the spot :)

Alchemist Cookie

Alchemist preferrs she/her pronouns, but you can call her anything

She's a rather serious cookie who doesn't take funny business, often being engrossed heavily in her work, to the point she ignores everything else, and just, overworks herself. She'll forget to do things like eat and sleep and might even go days without it. She's anti social and distant, and finds it hard to express her feelings

Her parents left her and Vampire alone when she was only a little baby, she doesn't remember them, and she knows Vampire tried his best to take care of her, but she was just distant and antisocial, unable to show how she really felt. As years pasted she got into alchemy, it became her passion, but also her prison, as she just overworked herself, burning herself out, starving, and not getting any sleep while working on experiments. In general she just has trouble eating, most of the time she just claims she's not hungry

an assortment of hcs:

-she just, overworks, hard -she hates her older brother (Vampire) in a sibling hate way -her original name is Grape Boba Cookie -she's very sleep deprived yet refuses to sleep until she literally just, passes out -she has trouble just, eating in general, her appetite is small and she can't eat large portions of food, there are times she just feels as if she can't eat at all -she cannot function in a chaotic environment, being in one just makes her shutdown from being overwhelmed -she's very well organized, and often repeats her actions, and overall keeps things clean 24/7, spill something during an experiment? CLEAN IT UP NOW OH GOD -there's a lot going on in her head, a lot of unwanted thoughts she can't control or get rid of -hand stimmies,, -she wears gloves as to not get her hands dirty -she's basically a vampire like her brother -her room is always dark -she overworks so she doesn't think about all the stressful, overwhelming thoughts and memories in her head, even if it's unhealthy

a small roleplay example I did:

Alchemist Cookie was working on another experiment, her windows covered, her lights off, the only thing lighting her room being a small candle. Her glasses reflected the glare from the light as she wrote something down in her notebook, she looked tired, so very tired, drained, burned out, but she had to continue, she couldn't just stop now when this was the only thing distracting her from the terrible outside world, from her real life. She yawned as she picked up a flask with her gloved hand, and slowly poured it's contents into another flask, the color changed from a light orange to a deep pink, she wrote down her observations.

There was a knock on her door, she didn't answer, she was too focused on her work to even hear it, a voice called but she ignored it, the voice tried to open the door, but again, she ignored it, the voice finally gave up and stopped bothering her. Although she didn't know who the voice was, it sounded familiar...

----------

Blueberry Pie Cookie

Blueberry Pie is bigender, going by she/he/they pronouns

She's a quiet and reserved cookie, who keeps to herself and rarely interacts with others. When it comes to helping others when needed, she will help you find what you need, and then will part ways. He has a lot in their mind, yet bottles it up since she has nobody to really talk to, and thinks that her problems is nobody else's

A cookie that swore to protect the archives within the City of Wizards and watch over the dangerous tombs within. One moonless night, her curiosity got the best of her as her oath to the wizards faded, and she opened one of the cursed tombs. As time passes, she finds comfort in the small beams of the moon that flow through the window, thinking of how her oath may of been too much for her to handle

an assortment of hcs:

-fairly existential, this can't be their only reason to exist, right? -Blueberry doesn't know how to interact with others, being mostly isolated -very lonely, and extremely touched starved, give the poor cookie a hug :( -they can translate different languages -a lot of time on their hands, they learned a lot of skills in their free time -he sometimes talks to the moon due to loneliness

a small roleplay example I did:

it was a night like any other night, Blueberry Pie Cookie was doing her daily rituals, sorting and putting back books on the endless shelves of the archives. She was quiet, working in silence, the room was dark, with only candles lighting the area; the moon was gone. The comforting light of the moon was not here to comfort her from her overwhelming thoughts, from how this was his only purpose in life, turning to pick up a book.. 'Oh, how did this get here?' It was a forbidden tomb.. 'This wasn't supposed to be here..' They thought, the title was in a different language, and it looked very appealing... Blueberry Pie could resist no longer, with the moon not watching, they opened the tome...

----------

so sorry this was a little short! I really worked on Alchemist thanks to self projection and I related to her quite a bit. Blueberry Pie doesn't have many but I wanted to add her anyways, btw I made all of these up on the spot, hope you like them :)

also small Alchemist doodle, her outfit is sorts similar to TMS so she was fairly easy to draw

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