#(writes steaming piles of garbage)
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foundationsofdecay · 1 year ago
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my blog is 18+ so there had better not be any highschoolers following me but fuck IB it was a waste of time and money and more importantly my mental health and ability to do school curriculars that actually did interest me which led to me becoming even more isolated than i already was. And for what? Being made to take tests even though the gym was filled with smoke from a fire raging just outside that had the rest of the school except us evacuated, because we weren't allowed to reschedule? Fuck off
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so-many-ocs · 9 months ago
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writing is cool because the whole time you do it, you're thinking "is this shit? is this a steaming pile of hot garbage? is this the worst thing ever written by anyone?" and then you literally never find out
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astrophyta · 1 year ago
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when you’re like thisclose to just throwing the whole essay away
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ordinary-barbie · 3 months ago
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sexy to someone - porco galliard x reader
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summary: After scrolling social media you're feeling particularly insecure about your looks. Your boyfriend, Porco, is determined to convince you that you really are pretty.
word count: 2.3k words
tags: fem!reader, pet names (babe and baby), reader has a tooth gap bc I'm nothing if not self-indulgent, dirty talk, oral (fem receiving), face sitting, vaginal fingering, doggy style, breast play, praise kink, consent checks, reader is self-conscious about her body and struggles with mental health issues
minors and ageless blogs dni.
title comes from the song "sexy to someone" by Clairo.
Normally you loved scrolling through social media, but you just couldn't do it today. If you saw one more vacation photo or one more bachelorette party with someone's former sorority sisters, the already deep pit in your chest would cave in. And it wasn't anyone's fault: you couldn't get mad at your friends or random influencers and celebs for simply posting about their lives. To put it delicately, you were just feeling like a steaming pile of garbage compared to everyone else on your Instagram feed.
Today you hated pretty much everything about your looks. Your tooth gap looked like an eyesore. Your eyes seemed dull and sleepy. Your nose? Meh. Your figure? Nothing to write home about. It was a wonder that anyone liked your Instagram photos at all, and especially unbelievable that you managed to snag a boyfriend, especially someone like Porco Galliard.
Porco was an absolute babe. You'd never been hugely into blondes, but something about him and his undercut had got your heart racing when you met him at a frat party that your bestie Pieck, a Delta Zeta, had invited you to. You were always pretty reserved, and especially nervous to be around a bunch of frat dudes. Luckily, Porco eased your nerves by making you laugh, and the rest was history.
He was funny, confident, and hot as hell, while you were more reserved. When you'd first gotten together, you felt like the nerdy female protagonist in an 80s teen movie who managed to land the most popular guy in school. That had subsided after five years of dating, but now you couldn't help but feel the insecurity clawing at your brain again. Porco could easily get any woman he wanted - why you, of all people? Was he simply settling until someone better came along?
You rolled over onto your stomach and buried your face into one of the couch's armrests, quietly sobbing. Why were you like this? Why couldn't you be hotter so you could look like someone who actually belonged with Porco? Porco shouldn't be with someone like you. There were plenty of cute sorority girls he could've gone after in college, including Pieck or your other friend Sasha.
You recognized (thanks to months of therapy) that you were in a thought spiral, but you felt powerless to stop it. Normally you would go on your phone to distract yourself, but since social media had triggered your insecurities, you decided to settle for a nice little depression nap. That ought to make you feel better, right?
-
When you woke up, you didn't feel as crushingly awful as you did before, but you were still in a bit of a shitty mood. You snuggled tightly in your blanket and stared up at the ceiling, not even moving when Porco came home from work.
"Hey babe, I'm home! Traffic was nuts today - that podcast you recommended to me honestly saved my ass from dying of boredom," Porco joked, kicking his shoes off and making his way into the kitchen.
When you turned your head towards Porco but didn't react, his cheery expression morphed into worry. "Baby, what's wrong? Is everything okay?"
"It's nothing, don't worry," you hurriedly assured him, not wanting to be a burden, especially since he'd had a long day at work.
Unfortunately, Porco was a stubborn motherfucker, so he kept prying. "Come on, don't do that thing where you try to sweep shit under the rug. I can tell something's bothering you. You know you can tell me anything."
You sat up, protectively wrapping your arms around your midsection and chewing at your bottom lip. "I just - why are you with me, Porco?" you asked, your voice wavering. "I mean, look at you. You could be with anyone you wanted and you settled for me."
Porco furrowed his brow. "Baby, where is this coming from? I picked you because you're funny and kind and fuckin' hot."
You snorted. You appreciated Porco complimenting you in his Porco way, but you weren't totally buying what he was selling. "Please, Porco. Gigi Hadid is fuckin' hot. Pieck is fuckin' hot. I'm just..." You gestured to yourself vaguely, making a face.
Porco scoffed, shaking his head. "First of all, Pieck is like a sister to me, so don't even go there. Second of all, yeah, Gigi Hadid is pretty, but she's not you. You're actually the hottest woman I know. I honestly feel like I outkicked my coverage here."
"Porco, stop acting like I'm some big prize," you insisted. "Especially when I scroll through social media and every woman I follow is pretty much a smokeshow, including my friends."
Porco said your name sternly, making you jump. "Is that where this is coming from? Babe, please don't compare yourself to Instagram. You know everyone curates their feed to only share the good shit, even the celebs."
"I know, but that doesn't change the fact that there's so many gorgeous girls out there, and I'm just...me," you responded, staring down at your lap.
"Hey! Look at me," Porco commanded, and you reluctantly met his gaze. "You are so desirable to me. I love you. And I wish I could fight your shitty brain for making you ever think otherwise."
You sighed. "Porco, I love you. I just wish I could see the person you see. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror earlier and just felt ugly. I hate that I can't just make these thoughts go away."
Porco moved closer to you, kissing both of your cheeks. "Babe, you are a fuckin smokeshow to me. Please let me prove it to you..."
"And just how do you plan to do that?" you asked, arching an eyebrow. You tried to look impassive but you couldn't help but rub your thighs together in anticipation.
"Like this," Porco simply replied, ghosting over your lips with his own. You shuddered, still amazed at how turned on Porco could make you without touching you. "But first - are you sure you want this? And you remember our safe word, right? Just say 'red' and I will stop, no matter what."
You nodded. Porco frowned. "Use your words, baby."
"Yes, I want this. Please touch me, Porco," you whined impatiently, your mind now clouded with lust.
"I mean damn, if you insist, babe," Porco joked before kissing you deeply. He draped his body over yours on the couch, suddenly enveloping you with the smell of his favorite cologne. It was heavenly.
Since your mouth was occupied, you tapped Porco's shoulder, and he instantly ceased his movements. "Everything good, babe?" he worriedly asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I just - could we move it to the bedroom, please?" you shyly asked.
Porco smirked. "Okay, dirty girl," he teased, leading you by the hand into your bedroom. Once inside, he slammed the door with his foot, deeply making out with you and letting his hands roam all over your body. You made a motion to take your bra off but Porco stopped you in your tracks.
"Please let me do it, baby," Porco begged, and you happily obliged. After tossing your bra to the other side of the room, Porco shoved his hands under your shirt, massaging your breasts. "Man, I'll never get tired of these tits. They feel so good in my hands."
Porco bit at your bottom lip, and you let out a moan. Porco was driving you wild right now. "That's my good girl," he praised, and those four little words sent a shockwave straight to your core. "I love it when you moan so prettily for me. Now take those clothes off, baby."
That lit a fire under you. You quickly rid yourself of your t-shirt (really one of Porco's, a vintage shirt from the university you both went to) and sweatpants, standing nakedly in front of Porco except for a simple pair of black undies.
Porco let out a breath. "Oh fuck, baby. You're so goddamn sexy." You shyly smiled at him. "Now take a seat for me; I need to taste you."
You sat down at the end of the bed, gazing at Porco as he kneeled in front of you. The fact that he was still dressed in his light blue button-down, navy tie, and khaki slacks from work made this even hotter, somehow. Porco pushed your panties to the side, moaning when he saw gossamer strings of your slick clinging to the fabric.
Porco dove in, lapping at your clit with his tongue and grunting as you arched your back in pleasure. "Can't believe you think I'd want anyone else when I have the sweetest pussy right here. You taste so fuckin good, baby."
Your mind was blank, devoid of any coherent thoughts except for how fucking amazing your boyfriend was with his tongue. You were in the throes of ecstasy, grabbing at his hair to push his face even closer to you.
Porco removed his lips from your clit, eliciting a whine from you. "Easy there, baby," he said, chuckling. "I'm gonna eat you out; I just wanna finger fuck you too. Is that okay?"
Aroused, you reached for his hand, but Porco tutted, shaking his head at you. "Use your words, babe," he reminded you.
"Porco I need your fingers inside me," you whined. "Need your mouth and your fingers in my pussy."
Porco smirked, a dark glint in his eye. "Can't possibly deny you when you ask me so nicely." He returned to sucking on your clit while his fingers pumped in and out of your opening. "Babe, I can't believe you're so wet for me. I could fuckin drown in your pretty little cunt."
You gasped, feeling a warmth in your belly. You felt like you were about to burst, and Porco could sense it too. "Come for me, baby," Porco encouraged you, fingering your clit. "Make a fuckin' mess on my face."
Before you knew it, you were cumming, coating Porco's face with your wetness. Porco wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, moaning happily as he licked his fingers.
"Let me return the favor," you offered, your gaze focused on the way Porco's erection strained in his pants.
"Nah, not this time," Porco refused. "This is all about you, baby."
You softened you gaze, beaming at your boyfriend. You truly did adore this man.
"Be a good girl, lose the panties, and lie on your stomach," Porco instructed as he unbuckled his belt. "Get that pretty ass of yours in the air for me."
You quickly obeyed, tossing your underwear onto the floor and lying face down on the bed, sticking your ass in the air. Porco hummed appreciatively, rubbing your butt cheeks in his hand and lightly biting at the skin before soothing the pain with his kisses. "Can't believe this amazing ass is all mine."
He got up from the floor, retrieving a condom from his bedside table to slide over his dick. You scooched farther up on the bed to give him more room, and the two of you moaned in unison as Porco pushed himself into your entrance. Porco had an average-sized cock, but what he lacked in length, he more than made up for in girth.
Porco growled as your cunt clenched around his length. "Fuckin love the way your pussy feels around me. So warm and so damn tight."
Porco pulled out of you and slammed back in, making you see stars. He pumped in and out, snapping his hips and muttering praises in your ears the entire time. You tightly gripped the sheets, feeling your body light up in pleasure every time the tip of his dick grazed that special spot that made your toes curl.
"Are you close?" Porco asked as you writhed under him. You hummed affirmatively, unable to form words anymore. "Me too. Play with your clit for me, baby. Let's cum together."
You rubbed at your clit, feeling a second orgasm about to wash over you. You came with a yelp, feeling Porco's cock spasm inside you as he spilled his seed into the condom, moaning your name. He tossed the used condom in the wastebasket next to his bedside table, and then two of you laid in bed for a few minutes, drenched in sweat and panting heavily.
"Porco...thank you. I needed that," you admitted, lovingly squeezing Porco's hand.
Porco tenderly looked at you, softly pecking your lips. "Of course, baby. You know I always want to make you feel good. And I hope me blowing your back out is proof that I actually think you're hot."
Your mouth dropped open. "Porco Galliard!" you shouted, playfully hitting him in the shoulder.
Porco snickered, but his face soon softened. "Seriously though, I'm glad I could give you what you needed. You know I love you so much, even on your bad-brain days."
You felt a warmth in your chest. Porco could be cocky, sarcastic, and crass, but he had the biggest heart. You were overwhelmed with love for this man who had been by your side through years of highs and lows, who always encouraged you and looked at you like you hung the moon in the sky.
"I love you so much, baby," you said, nuzzling into Porco's chest. He kissed the top of your head and tightened his grip around you.
"Hey babe?" you asked after a few minutes, wiggling a little in Porco's grip.
Porco cocked an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you're ready for round two already. I mean I'm down, but let a man take a shower first."
You good-naturedly rolled your eyes at him. "No, you dingus, I just have to pee."
"And they say romance is dead," Porco quipped, loosening his grip so you could get up and use the bathroom.
"Okay, mister drama king," you playfully replied. "Cut the sass and maybe I'll help you get cleaned up." You waggled your ass at him before disappearing into the bathroom.
Porco grinned, fondly gazing at you even while you were on the toilet. "You're incredible, you know that? I can't want to marry your ass someday."
You chuckled. Just Porco, being Porco - and you loved him for it.
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pulisicsgirl · 1 year ago
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not going anywhere - christian pulisic
summary: after Christian (and several others) notice how Y/N hasn't been herself for the last few weeks, he finally decides to confront her about how she's feeling
pairing: Christian Pulisic x reader
word count: 2.3k
warnings/tags: established relationship, angst, discussions of mental health and illness, mentions of meds, supportive Christian, hastily proofread
requested: no
notes: Hey there!! This has been sitting in my draft for probably 6 months and I wanted to put something out, so I tried to finish it and make it at least decent for y'all! I promise I'm trying to work on your requests and I have several halfway written, but I've just been struggling in the writing department all summer. Thanks for being patient with me! If this fic is a steaming pile of garbage... pretend you didn't read it
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It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Christian that you hadn’t been yourself lately.
Your relationship was fairly new, having only been together for a few months, but as attentive as Christian was, he recognized the little things that had shifted in your personality.
He noticed how when you smiled at someone, it never quite reached your eyes—the little wrinkles that usually appeared in the corners were absent. He noticed how when you laughed, as soon as you thought no one was looking, the grin on your face quickly faded, replaced by the absent and distant look that adorned your face so often recently.
He noticed that you would zone out far more often than usual, eyes unfocused as you stared at a distant point. When he caught you in this state, Christian would tangle his fingers with yours or gently place his hand on your thigh, drumming his fingers in an attempt to pull you back from wherever it was that you would drift off to.
He was concerned, to say the very least, but each time he tried to bring it up to you, you dismissed his concern with a wave of your hand, chalking it up to being tired or overworked.
It didn’t take long for others to notice the change, too. As a prominent member of the media department at Chelsea, you had a friendly relationship with many of the players. You were often on the training pitch or on the sidelines at games, snapping photos of the boys as they played. Often, you would mess around with them, cracking jokes and laughing along with them, but not recently.
The joking had been cut to a bare minimum, and you rarely interacted with them at all. You spent just enough time on the training fields to get the content you needed before leaving to work in your office, unseen for the rest of the day. Several of the boys had asked Christian about you. They missed you. But Christian didn’t know what to tell them.
Finally, Christian decided enough was enough. He would have to “corner” you in some way and get you to talk to him. He had wanted to let you have your space and respect your desire to not talk about the matter, but he could see the whole situation physically weighing on you, and he knew that if he continued to let you bottle it up inside, you were going to explode. He resolved that by the end of the day, he’d talk to you.
That night, you had come over so that the two of you could have dinner together. Most of the dinner was spent in silence, you lost in your own thoughts, and Christian trying to work up the nerve to ask what he needed to. He wasn’t sure how to approach this kind of conversation with you—the two of you hadn’t dealt with a situation like this yet in your relationship.
Once your plates were cleared, you stood in his kitchen, washing the dishes, despite Christian’s protest that he could do it later that night. He sat on the counter, wanting to still be in close proximity with you. His heart broke a little when he noticed that you weren’t humming like you always did when you cleaned.
You rinsed off the last dish, placing it on the drying rack with the others, and you were rinsing the leftover suds from the sink when you felt Christian’s arms slide around your waist. He pressed his chest to your back and rested his chin on your shoulder as you turned the sink off, drying your hands on a towel.
“Can we talk?” He spoke softly and placed a kiss onto your shoulder.
You felt your heart sink in your chest. You knew this conversation was coming, but you were hoping to postpone it as long as you possibly could. “Yeah, what’s up?” you tried to speak casually, downplaying the nervous feeling that had settled in your stomach.
“C’mere,” he whispered. You dropped the towel on the counter next to the sink as Christian pulled you to the side where he had been sitting before and turned you around in his arms. He placed his hand on your hips, lifting you to sit on the countertop.
For a moment, the two of you remained in silence. Christian stood between your legs, unsure of what to say first. He rested his hands on your thighs, rubbing the bare skin below your shorts soothingly. Your heart pounded so quickly in your chest that you swore he could hear it as he stood in front of you. You desperately tried to calm yourself, still determined to play things off if you could manage it.
“So… um, you… you haven’t really been yourself lately,” he stumbled over his words and mentally cursed himself for starting so poorly. “I just… I’ve noticed a lot of little things that seem different, and you don’t really seem… happy.” He glanced up at your face, trying to gauge your response. He felt a little guilty for being so direct with the situation, but he didn’t want to keep dancing around the problem.
You drew in a breath, but Christian spoke again before you could. “And please don’t tell me that you’ve been tired, because you keep saying that, but I think it goes beyond that.” The nervousness you felt only intensified, and now you felt slightly nauseous, knowing there was no easy way out of this conversation.
You brought one of your hands up to your mouth, biting at the skin by your nails. Christian recognized the nervous habit of yours and he saw how you used it to try to put space between you and him as a form of defense. He reached up and took your hand in his. With a gentle but firm tug, he pulled your hand back into your lap and looked at your face with earnest concern.
You hesitated a moment longer, looking anywhere but at his face.  Sitting in front of him, your hands held in his, resting on your thighs, you had never felt so vulnerable and exposed. He stroked his thumb over your knuckles, squeezing your fingers in an attempt to pull you out of your thoughts and back to him.
The silence between the two of you was long and overwhelming as your head spun with wild thoughts. Did you continue trying to put a wall between you and tell him nothing was actually wrong? Or did you open up to him, tell him what was really happening, and run the risk of scaring him off?
“Come on, I can practically see you getting lost in there.” He poked your forehead gently with his free hand, laughing softly to try to relieve some of the tension in the air.
You glanced up at Christian’s face, and his gentle, reassuring smile brought tears to your eyes instantly. Looking back down at your lap so he couldn’t see you beginning to cry, you settled on trying your best to explain the thoughts that had been swimming around in your mind for the last couple of weeks.
“I don’t know, Christian, I just… kinda get this way sometimes.” You shrugged your shoulders. It didn’t make sense to most people, but it was the reality. “Nothing really happened. Everything is fine. You didn’t do anything. I just… I feel kinda hollow.”
Christian was relieved to hear that your pain hadn’t been cause by something he had done, having toyed with the idea as he wracked his brain for the last weeks, trying to think of what could have gone wrong to make you feel this way. But he still wasn’t sure he understood exactly what you were saying.
“I used to take meds for it, but I stopped taking them a little while after I graduated high school. They made me feel like I wasn’t really myself, and I didn’t want that anymore.” Your still fidgeted nervously as you opened up to him, but at the same time, the weight on your shoulders felt the tiniest bit lighter as you let Christian bear some of it with you.
Christian remained silent for a moment after you stopped talking, processing the things you had just told him He thought he was beginning to understand what you were saying, though your vague description left several questions swirling in his mind. He was happy, though, that you finally felt comfortable opening up to him, and he figured the finer details could wait until another day.
His silence, however, did nothing to calm your racing heart.
“So, I guess this is the part where you leave?” you whispered before you could even think about it, uneasy with how quiet the room had gotten. Your eyes were glued to your lap, and Christian’s hands froze at your words, where they had been smoothing over your knuckles, trying to soothe you.
“W-what?” he stuttered in surprise, heart sinking at the thought that you might be breaking up with him. When you finally looked up to his face, his eyes were wide, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. He looked so hurt that you almost felt bad for saying it in the first place.
You took your hands from his as you began to pull away from him, picking at the edges of your fingernails, fixing your gaze downward again. “I’ve done this before, Christian,” you mumbled. “I get weird, you ask about it, and then once you find out that I can’t be fixed… you leave.” You sigh, having resigned yourself to the outcome that had played out in your life before. You sat there, feeling defeated, with your shoulders slumped.
A sniffle coming from him causes you to dart your eyes up to his face, and his eyes are misty as he fights back the tears that he can feel welling up in them.
“You really think that?” his voice quivers.
All you can muster is shrugging your shoulders. “That’s what everyone else did. I’m not worth the trouble.”
Your words shatter his heart into a million pieces. The pain of thinking you were ending your relationship vanished quickly, replaced with a new kind of pain at the realization of how you had been treated in your past.
As the first tears slipped down his cheeks, Christian pulled you into a tight hug, holing you as close to his body as he could muster as he buried his face in your neck. You felt the warm tears against your skin as you slowly returned the hug, caught off-guard by his actions.
Christian felt a bit silly. Here he was, crying on your shoulder after the things that you had just revealed to him, experiences that you’d had in your own life. He just couldn’t fathom that anyone could possibly treat you in such a way. You were the kindest, most gentle and caring woman he had ever known, and he truly believed that you deserved the world. Sure, it had been hard to see you in the state you had been in for the last few weeks, but he knew what he was feeling was nothing compared to what you were. And it never would have even occurred to him to think of you as burdensome—to think that he needed to “fix” you in some way.
Christian drew back from the embrace, quickly wiping his eyes while he still held onto your waist with the other. You were caught a bit off-guard by his behavior, never having experienced this reaction before, and you weren’t entirely sure what it meant.
Christian breathed a soft “I’m sorry” before he looked back up at you, cradling your jaw in one of his hands, and you couldn’t help but lean into his comforting touch.
“Y/N, you are absolutely worth everything. It’s not a burden to be with you. You know that right?”
Tears quickly sprung to your own eyes at his words, and you cast your eyes back down to your lap. In an honest answer, you shook your head ‘no’. This was how you had always thought of yourself, and you constantly felt like you needed to be compensating your partner in some way for the things they had to put up with for your sake.
Christian’s other hand came to your cheek, holding your face gently so that you would look him in the eye.
“You’re not a burden Y/N,” he spoke softly, his eyes flicking over your face. His expression held a sort of desperation—aching to show you that he truly believed what he was saying. “You’re not, I promise. And I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life telling you that until you believe it. I’m not going anywhere.”
Your heart fluttered at his words.
‘…every day for the rest of my life…’
He wanted to spend the rest of his life with you?
Marriage wasn’t something the two of you had really talked about yet, because your relationship was so new. But any time you thought about your future, you knew you wanted Christian to be in it. And knowing he felt the same way meant the world.
You felt Christian’s thumb brush across your cheek, wiping away the tear that had fallen. You could only stare at him, wondering to yourself how you had managed to find someone as perfect as him.
“I’ll always be here for you. Anything you need,” he smiled at you, feeling that he was finally getting through to you.
The only response you could muster was a soft, “okay.”
“Yeah?”
You nodded.
The relief Christian felt that he finally had some understanding of why you hadn’t been yourself over the last few weeks was nearly overwhelming. He pulled you toward him, pressing a firm kiss onto your forehead.
“I love you so much, Y/N. Never doubt that.”
tag list: @landoslover @thoseboysinblue @lovelynikol16 @swimmingismywholelife @masonsrem @bracedes @neverinadream @lizzypotter14 @notsoattractivearenti @chilwellspulisic
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blueboyluca · 11 months ago
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@konmari-dogs's post reminded me, I read a lot of dog books this year! My biggest tip for reading more is put a bunch of books on your phone and just dip into them when you can. I think I originally got this tip from Milly, but it really works. If you are getting sick of one or need a break, you can easily flit to another. You can get a page or two while waiting for appointments or at a cafe or something. Really easy to read a lot more.
Anyway, I read a lot of crap this year but also some gems.
Hit list: The Culture Clash by Jean Donaldson. I finally read this classic. I skimmed most of the training stuff because it is a bit outdated now, but I really liked the allegorical parts, the actual bits that are why it is titled the way it is. That stuff is still really relevant today.
Dog is Love by Clive D.L. Wynne. I enjoyed this. It followed the story of how Wynne convinced himself that dogs do love us, through various scientific disciplines. I also think this guy is a compelling speaker, if a little pompous.
Wonderdog by Jules Howard. Loved this one, excellent overview of dog science throughout history. Really worth the read.
The Secret History of Kindness by Melissa Holbrook Pierson. My favourite read this year, an incredibly moving overview of the history of training dogs.
In Defence of Dogs by John Bradshaw. I started this one more than a year ago and finished it this year. It was pretty good, but a little outdated on the science now. Still worth a read.
The Great Grisby by Mikita Brottman. I enjoyed this, it was about various dogs in literature or real dogs owned by famous people, mostly Victorians. It was a fun read. The focus won't be for everyone.
How the Dog Became the Dog: From Wolves to Our Best Friends by Mark Derr. I started reading this like 5 years ago. I really enjoyed the first half then dropped off it. I finished it this year and I am glad, but there wasn't as much good stuff in the second half. Still, I reference it a lot and I love the way he writes about early dogs.
Shit list: Living with Border Collies by Barbara Sykes. This one is a mess. Very few useful ideas, mostly just batty nonsense.
Fifteen Dogs by André Alexis. This was the only novel I read this year and it was garbage. Do not recommend.
How Stella Learned to Talk by Christina Hunger. You all know I hated it. I am stunned when people recommend it to others to get into dog buttons. I thought the narrative itself was a steaming pile of garbage and I thought the tips on how to get started with buttons were vague and unhelpful. Cannot understand this fad at all.
The First Domestication by Brandy R. Fogg and Raymond Pierotti. I started this a year or two ago and finished it this year. It was a mess. I appreciated the parts where they ripped into Coppinger, but there were tons of other really questionable bits so I basically think the whole thing is a wash.
Dogs: A Philosophical Guide to Our Best Friends by Mark Alizart. It wasn't terrible, but it was quite strange. I appreciated it sent me down a few rabbit holes though. I tried reading some more philosophical books about dogs but they fall apart as soon as the authors show they know nothing about modern dog science.
Dingoes Don’t Bark by Lionel Hudson. This one also wasn't terrible but it was also kind of nothing. Not a lot of information about dingoes. I think the documentary it pairs with would be more worhtwhile. I think it's from the 70s, maybe 80s.
Still reading: Level Up Your Dog Training by Natalie Bridger Watson. This is for beginners, but I am enjoying it as another resource for my club.
The Wolf Within by Professor Bryan Sykes. This is good but thick and science heavy, so I know it will take me a long time.
Treat Everyone Like a Dog by Karen London. I am not enjoying this at all. It will inevitably make it onto my shit list one year.
What Dogs Want by Mat Ward. Really loving this very cute and modern take on basic dog care for new owners.
What the Dog Knows: The Science and Wonder of Working Dogs by Cat Warren. I am really loving this so far. It's my kind of book, a mix of dog science and memoir.
Our Oldest Companions by Pat Shipman. I am not that taken in by Shipman. I've read one of her other books and I don't find her particularly compelling. I am finding Sykes more interesting than this one.
Aesop's Animals: The Science Behind the Fables by Jo Wimpenny. This one is pretty good, not sure if I will finish it though because I read the dog and wolf chapters already.
Positive Herding 101 by Barbara Buchmayer. I am enjoying this. I got through all the beginning stuff and have finally reached the chapters that will talk about herding training.
Enrichment Games for High Energy Dogs by Barbara Buchmayer. This is good enough that it made me buy her other book. I haven't finished it yet though.
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marroniere · 25 days ago
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the thrawn and ar’alani academy scene from the thranto and thrawn/thalias fic i’m currently writing
The Taharim Academy has plenty to offer for those deemed lacking discipline. Usually, it is something that, according to the instructors, “nurtures the spirit.” Said “spirit-nurturing” activities, as Thrawn has noticed, mostly include physical exercise and manual labor.
A punishment for one downmark can be a mild one: two hundred pushups, and you are free. Five downmarks is a situation more severe: mess hall duty for a week.
Fifty downmarks for an “unauthorized intrusion into the Tomra’s command area” mean three months of cleaning the trash compactor on one’s own.
He tries to derive meaning even from such a meaningless task. First of all, even though the garbage stench won’t come out of his hair entirely after an hour-long shower, cleaning up the trash compactor clears his mind. Secondly, it is a source of important cultural observations. Things one throws out always tell a story. The trick is to piece the elements of this story together. Thirdly, Thrawn reminds himself as he drags the remains of a packbull carcass to the section labeled “ORGANICS,” this does indeed nurture the spirit. He is on his own; there is no one he can rely on, and to avoid being crushed in the compactor, he must approach the task with extra care.
He is not quite sure such a thing has ever happened in Taharim—there must be safety mechanisms, after all—but if his rescue will be a long and potentially humiliating process, this much he can tell.
He has one week to go.
“Enjoying this?”
It is a crisp, posh voice that belongs to a young woman—and for a second, before Thrawn looks back, he thinks it might be a new instructor he hasn’t yet met. Then he sees that the woman the voice belongs to is wearing a cadet uniform, with a little white and blue patch they give you if you finish your first year with distinction. She is standing at the heavy trash compactor room door, watching him with unconcealed curiosity.
He takes a moment to process her question. There is no hint of mockery, but it means nothing. Any comment like that coming from a senior-year cadet, especially one that looks like a Nine blood relative—
“I have to do it,” he simply says.
Any other answer would create an opportunity for further snide remarks—and in any way, he has to get back to the garbage. There is a pile of fried microschemes and old cables right in front of him, covered for some reason in shredded paper and the remains of that steamed glow-cabbage from the mess hall that everyone hates. The pile will not sort out itself.
“Look,” the senior cadet says. “I see you find it meditative, but if you want to clean this up on your own, you won’t finish by tomorrow morning.”
Then she jumps down two steps at once—and makes it seem strangely effortless.
“Here. Let me help.”
Thrawn eyes her over, suspicious.
“It is my task,” he states as if it could establish a certain boundary.
“It is,” says the senior cadet. “And you’ve done well so far. Nobody’s ever managed to last for more than a week here. But since you’re under my tutelage now—”
“Last time I checked, I was under the tutelage of Senior Cadet Bicwa.”
The whole concept of tutelage, in Thrawn’s experience, is a purely formal thing. Bicwa, another ruling family son with the lazy, bored eyes of someone who is probably unfit for military duty and knows it full well, made something of a pact with Thrawn on the first day they met: “You don’t make it worse for me, I won’t make it worse for you.”
“Well, have I got news for you. Colonel Wevary discovered Senior Cadet Bicwa’s very impressive tava mist stash. Guess what happened next is an Obbic family secret.”
Now, there is mockery in the senior cadet’s intonation—and it is not aimed at Thrawn.
“Oh,” Thrawn says.
She gives him an amused look.
“Sad he didn’t share with you?”
Thrawn ignores her question.
“They sent him on kitchen duty.”
Kitchen duty is, surely, better than trash compactor duty but worse than mess hall duty. In the mess hall, you distribute food and collect dirty dishes, which you are then expected to wash. In the kitchen, you peel mounds of sour-vines, gut fish, and, occasionally, butcher entire packbull carcasses.
For Thrawn, it would not have been a walk in the Stellar Gardens—but it wouldn’t have been torturous either. For someone like Bicwa, however, such an experience must be—
The senior cadet raises her eyebrow.
“How do you know?”
“There are packbull bones in the organics. Whoever was butchering the carcass had no idea what they were doing. Must have been a cadet, and—”
When he says this, he sees a tiny smile on her face.
“I knew you’d be interesting.”
“Interesting. Why?”
“As if anyone with fifty downmarks could be boring,” the senior cadet says, her accent now softer, less crisp. “I’m Ziara, by the way. Move over, let’s clean this up together.”
This is how he makes his first friend on Naporar.
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queerfandomtrifecta · 1 month ago
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I’m scared to start the final season of WWDITS. Gonna let it air then read all the spoilers first then decide, because between the strange writing in OFMD s2, the steaming pile of garbage that was TUA s4, and still not knowing if we’ll get a final season Good Omens I am very tired and i don’t wanna watch anything else I’m not gonna like.
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princessma1foy · 2 years ago
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the fun thing about being a writer is having an awesome story in your head but when you try and write it down it’s like it went through google translate a million times and you have to dig the original story back out of the steaming hot pile of garbage you wrote kind of like an archaeologist
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serickswrites · 2 years ago
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Can you write car crash whumpee after a horrible fight with caretaker in ICU with a very worry and regret caretaker never leaves their hospital bed after that please 🥺🥺
Hello friend! Absolutely I can definitely write this. I hope this is what you were wanting. Please enjoy!
Warnings: car crash, injury, unconsciousness, hospital, unclear character status, hurt/aftermath, caretaker and whumpee
Caretaker sat their silent vigil at Whumpee's bedside. They hadn't moved since the nurses told them they could sit with Whumpee. Talk to Whumpee. Be with Whumpee for as long as they could.
Because nobody knew when Whumpee would wake. If Whumpee would wake. What Whumpee would be like when they woke. If they woke.
Guilt was a bitter, acrid taste in Caretaker's mouth as they sat, gripped with fear. Fear that Whumpee would be different. Fear that Whumpee would still be mad at them. Fear that Whumpee would never wake. Fear that they would just wither away into nothingness.
"I'm so sorry," Caretaker whispered as they took Whumpee's hand in theirs once more. They squeezed Whumpee's hand tightly. "You have to come back to me. Please, you have to come back now."
The fight between the two of them had been the worst fight they'd had in the course of their relationship. Caretaker had gotten angry at Whumpee. Over nothing. Truly, Whumpee had done nothing wrong. Caretaker was just tired, hungry, and stressed and they took it out on Whumpee.
"YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE! I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING! WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING LAZY?" Caretaker had roared.
Initially, Whumpee had been very patient, validating Caretaker's feelings. "I know you're stressed right now, Caretaker, what can I do?"
But Caretaker hadn't wanted to hear any of that. They couldn't receive any information. "JUST GET OUT OF HERE! I CAN'T SEE YOUR STUPID FACE RIGHT NOW!"
Only the fight hadn't stopped there. Caretaker became more and more incensed as they yelled and Whumpee had gotten quieter and quieter. Until they finally left, front door slamming behind them.
It had taken Caretaker over an hour to cool off. And by then they were filled with shame, guilt, and remorse. Whumpee hadn't deserved this. And they hadn't meant anything they said.
They picked up their phone and texted Whumpee. But Whumpee didn't reply. "Have to be driving," Caretaker muttered as they called Whumpee.
"Hey babe," Whumpee's voice was careful, but pleasant.
"I am so sorry I yelled at you. I am a literal steaming pile of garbage. That was so not ok." Caretaker put all of their feelings into their words.
"I know you didn't mean in. I got you some flowers, your favorite ice cream, and pizza from that place you like. I'll be home in ten minutes."
"I don't deserve you," Caretaker said softly as relief flooded them.
"I--" but Whumpee's words were cut off with an impossibly loud squealing followed by a crunching and crashing sound.
Caretaker's heart stopped. "Whumpee?"
No reply.
Caretaker could hear the hiss of air, the creaking of metal, but they couldn't hear Whumpee. "Whumpee? Talk to me! Please!" Caretaker could hear the sound of sirens. Could hear the sound of twisting and breaking metal. And yet that didn't compare to Whumpee's silence. The complete lack of sound from them.
By the time the first responders had extracted Whumpee from the car, Caretaker had heard enough to know that Whumpee was in serious danger. And had been gravely injured. But they had to wait until the hospital called. Had to wait in painful, agonizing silence until they got the call. Had to wait to see Whumpee.
Whumpee looked terrible. Their body swathed in bandages, tubes leading in and out of their body, and most of all, their stillness. Had there been no heart monitor, or breathing tube, Caretaker would have thought Whumpee was dead.
"Please," Caretaker sobbed as they squeezed Whumpee's hand, "please you have to come back. I need you."
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handeaux · 7 months ago
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In 1872, Cincinnati Ground To A Halt As The City’s Horses Succumbed To A Virus
It sounds like something out of a science fiction movie. For nearly three weeks in the autumn of 1872, Cincinnati was paralyzed by a virus with no known cure.
Humans were not susceptible to this virus. It only affected horses, but the entire operation of Cincinnati life and business depended primarily on horses. When the city’s horses were incapacitated, Cincinnati screeched into paralysis.
The strange episode began one evening in October when Dan Rice’s circus rolled into town. Four of the horses showed symptoms of some sort of respiratory illness and were taken to veterinarian George W. Bowler for treatment. Dr. Bowler readily identified the affliction as the “Canadian horse disease” that was then infesting the northern tier of states but doubted it would spread beyond his stable on Ninth Street.
Alas, Dr. Bowler’s optimism was unfounded and the next few days found cases throughout the downtown area. Journalists struggled to name the disease. “Epizooty” was a common label, but newspaper reports invoked “equine influenza” or “hippo-typhoid-laryngitis” or “epiglottic catarrh” or “epizootic influenza” and even “hipporhinorrheaeirthus”! Whatever they called it, the disease would hobble a city absolutely dependent on horse power to operate at all.
Josiah “Si” Keck, presiding at the Board of Aldermen, introduced a resolution to draft squads of men for duty at the city’s firehouses. With the horses out of commission, only manpower could replace horsepower to haul the heavy steam-powered fire engines of the day. Thankfully, only a few minor fires were reported during the height of the contagion.
According to the Cincinnati Enquirer [11 November 1872], other horse-dependent companies tried different alternatives:
“The United States Express Company has prepared to follow the example of the Eastern Companies. All of their horses, twenty-two in number, being completely disabled, they will at once substitute steers, and the streets of this city will show the curious spectacle of express wagons drawn by the propelling force of a farmer’s haycart.”
Historian Alvin F. Harlow, writing in the Bulletin of the Historical and Philosophical Society of Ohio [April 1951], noted that the bovine substitutes were simply not cut out for jobs readily accomplished by horses:
“The oxen, with great, wild, pathetic eyes, slobbering, swaying slowly through the streets, were a strange spectacle to city folk, and were followed by crowds of children for a day or two, until the novelty wore off. But as agencies of traction, they were a disappointment. Not all of them were well broken to the yoke; few men in town knew how to drive them, and as they are—with the possible exception of the tortoise and the two-toed sloth—the slowest walkers in the whole zoological category, they did not accomplish much in a day, according to city standards.”
Just think of an entire city operating on the capable talents of horses, now immobilized by an unseen microbe. Garbage piled up as the city’s sanitation wagons stood idle. “Garbage” back then meant kitchen and table scraps which, even in the chill of autumn, ripened malodorously in unattended cans. The situation was even worse at the city’s slaughterhouses. Even though the butchers had stopped working – there were no wagons available to deliver the slaughtered pork and beef – there were likewise no wagons to dispose of the offal and trimmings. The stench was indescribable.
Cincinnati’s streetcars were horsedrawn in 1872. It would be a decade before electrical trolleys debuted. The entire commuter system of the city shut down and the Cincinnati workforce, from C-suite executives to the lowliest laborers, had to hoof it. Harlow describes an exhausting scene:
“Towards dusk each evening the great trek homeward began, and from then until 9 P.M. the streets were thronged with business men, clerks, bookkeepers, warehouse and factory workers, trudging wearily. To reach their work again at 7 or 7:30 next morning, when most people's day began, soon proved too much for some of them, and they took to sleeping in their places of business; which in turn became less and less necessary, as those businesses were compelled to shut down for lack of transportation.”
Even funerals were affected. Teams of undertakers pulled hearses to the depot of the Cincinnati, Hamilton & Dayton railroad, whose tracks ran along the front of Spring Grove Cemetery. Mourners followed along on foot until the hearse was loaded on the train, then rode out for the burial. Other cemeteries put interments on hold for the duration.
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The city faced the serious prospect of starvation. Food arrived in the city by rail and by river, but there were no carts to carry it from the wharf or the depot. Fresh vegetables rotted down by the river while families went hungry just a few blocks north. Farmers from the suburbs refused to bring their crops into Cincinnati for fear that their own draft animals would succumb to the dread epizooty.
As humans attempted to fill the horse’s role, every wheelbarrow in the city was drafted into use and some sold for astronomical sums. Even so, as noted by Harlow, human power had its very fragile limits:
“If the load was very heavy, as for instance, hogsheads of tobacco, massive machinery or an iron safe of a ton weight, ropes were also attached to each side of the wagon and passed over the shoulders of two files of straining men, while three or four others, their feet striving for toeholds in earth or cobbles, pushed against the wagon's tail until shoulder-bones threatened to wear through the flesh.”
Among the worst effects of the pandemic was the inability to dispose of dead horses. Horses died in Cincinnati at the rate of twenty or thirty a day at the height of the disease in November 1872, and there was nothing available to haul the carcasses out to the reduction plants, where they might be turned into soap fat or fertilizer. Alderman Si Keck, who owned one of these “stink factories,” found a partial solution by renting a small steam-powered truck from one of the city’s pork-packing plants but could still handle only a few of the equine corpses.
By the end of November, new cases and fatalities had diminished considerably. As December opened, the city was almost back to normal, with a new appreciation of the four-legged residents who truly powered our city.
Only one case of a human contracting the epizooty was recorded in 1872. Joseph Einstein was a well-known dealer when Cincinnati’s Fifth Street was the largest horse market in the United States. Einstein spent weeks, around the clock, nursing his stock and developed symptoms remarkably similar to those afflicting his horses. Several local doctors confirmed that he had somehow succumbed to the dread epizooty.
Just as mysteriously as it appeared, the epizooty vanished, and never visited Cincinnati to that degree ever again.
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queen-of-writing-bad-things · 9 months ago
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Henry Danger Reader Insert | Captain Man x Reader: SEASON 5
Episode 27: Captain Mom (SMUT)
Season 5 Masterlist
*Strong start to the chapter, but I'd like to say that I hate this episode with a burning passion, and I'd like to have a word with whoever wrote this piece of utter—shall we continue?
To make this steaming pile of garbage slightly more tolerable, I decided to give myself a gift and write a lovely yet self-indulgent smut idea I've had in my filthy little head for quite a while now. It's not particularly explicit, but trust me, I have a long list, and most of them are so bad I'm saving them for a special chapter. Wink-wonk ;)
Please enjoy what I've written. I hated every word of this creepy, disturbing, weird, utterly confusing chapter (apart from the smut) :)
Ray was a tough guy. Strong, reliable, honest, lovable, gentle - he was all those things, or at least he was to (y/n). 
She could ramble for days on how perfect he was, from how he protected the city from whatever threat ran towards it to heading their operations in the Man Cave to caring for their growing family. 
Ever since Piper joined, his home had been busier, noisier and crazier than ever, and he was in charge of all of it. How many children did he have to worry about now? Four? Then, there was Schwoz, too, even though he was pretty low maintenance, and of course, he never stopped worrying about his sweet girl after vowing during his proposal that he always wanted her to be safe, happy and loved. 
The pressure never stopped; it was like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, something (y/n) never forgot. He never let on, but it got to him sometimes - the stress of having thousands of people looking to him for guidance, not that Swellview's citizens or his family saw it. 
She did, though. 
(y/n) could spot the signs with pinpoint accuracy, especially after a few gruelling days of back-to-back missions. He got grouchy in the evenings, snapped at Henry for merely existing, barely ate dinner, and wriggled and writhed throughout the night like it wasn't his favourite spot in the world. 
Of course, she was by his side throughout it all, so when he got grouchy, her mood dipped. When he snapped at the kid, she apologised on his behalf. When he barely ate dinner, she picked at the pasta on her plate, which wasn't as tasty as it had been ten minutes previously. And if he wriggled and writhed through the night, you can be damn sure that she laid awake next to him, wondering what she could do to help him. 
"Ray..." she called out as he stomped down the corridor toward their bedroom, her following closely. That mission had been frustrating - anyone who used a paintball gun as a weapon was some sadist who wanted nothing but chaos to reign as he pelted the three heroes with his ammo. 
They were small, but goddamn, those balls hurt like hell. Ask Ray; he acted as a human shield so his sidekicks could get close enough to disarm the miscreant, but all those shots took their toll, and now, he was in a fouler mood than ever before. 
"Yeah, sweet girl?" he replied quietly, his tone clipped and tired like he just wanted to be left alone and was holding back from lashing out, but he could never do that to her. She only wanted to help, so he instead focused on stripping off his painted-splattered uniform with sharp, frustrated movements before tossing them into the laundry basket by the wardrobe. 
Definitely in a bad mood. 
(y/n) wasn't entirely sure how to deal with it. If he was sad, she knew what to do. Same with if he was scared, annoyed, or confused. They were easy enough to solve and soothe, but stress-induced frustration wasn't something she came across often because of how much he stamped it down. 
However, over the last few hours, she'd had a chance to mull things over, meaning she wasn't without a plan that she knew would tickle his fancy - a mutually beneficial plan. Now, if only he gave her enough time and room to set it in motion. 
"You wanna talk about it?"
"Talk about what?" Ray asked over his shoulder as he slumped onto their bed and began pulling at his bootlaces like they'd done something wrong. He couldn't take off his utility pants until they were off, so she admired his strong, muscled back and began disrobing, too, whilst he fiddled with the annoyingly tight weave. Once off, he threw the shoes into some godforsaken corner he didn't care about and promptly removed his blue pants, too, minding not to get paint everywhere as he did. 
"You're stressed. You act like you're fine, but you're not," she muttered as she came up behind him, kneeling on the bed in the bulletproof underlayers of her uniform. Her fingertips slid over his body, drawing shivers from the man when he felt her front press to his back and her lips land on the junction of his neck and shoulder. 
"Come on, doofus. Talk to me..."
"S'nothing..." the words weren't much more than air passing through his teeth as she let her arms dangle past his chest, meaning her hands were free to roam his pecs and the very top of his washboard abs as he leaned into her embrace and sighed. He would never leave if he could stay in her arms, where his worries flew away. To be just a man who loved and was loved, not the hero who bounced back at the snap of someone's fingers whether he wanted to or not. 
"If it bothers you, and I know it does, then it's not nothing. Tell me, Raymond..." It sounded stern, but the accompanying kiss on his cheek and how she nuzzled her face into his neck said otherwise. At that moment, she had the power to turn him into just a loved man, who loved her in turn, and she wanted his weakness after seeing too much of his strength. 
"It's just...think I need a vacation, sweet girl. Somewhere we can get away from all this bullshit...just you and me," he muttered and lolled his head back to rest on her shoulder as she kissed up his neck, taking reference from how he did it whenever life got too much for her. 
That's what this was; he did it for her, and now she'd do it for him - whatever it was or whatever he needed her to do. 
"But... I promised to give you the happiest day of your life, darlin', and I intend to keep that promise."
"I don't care what our wedding's like, doofus. I just want you safe, happy and loved as you promised..." (y/n) whispered as her hand drifted up to hold his jaw and turn his face to her gently. Ray groaned lowly as she led a delicate kiss, and he wished more than anything to feel her skin against his, not the silky smooth material of her longsleeved undershirt.
"That promise was for you, pretty girl," he gave a half-hearted chuckle as he remembered that moment when he got down on one knee and promised to always take care of her. Her. No one else. 
No one else could ever be his wife if he recalled those sentimental words correctly, which reminded him; they needed to book another meeting with that florist about the flowers for the ceremony. And he noted that she hadn't eaten lunch yet, so he probably needed to swing by that takeout place down the road, and pick up more straw for Colin's hutch, and--
"We're a team, me and you. I want to care for you too, sweetheart," she confessed into his ear and, in a tactile move, pulled his earlobe between her teeth as her hot breath rolled down his neck. 
Ray immediately felt the air shift around them and his cock twitched when she adjusted her position behind him, allowing her arm more freedom to roam his bare chest. It was strange; his muscles physically couldn't ache, thanks to his indestructibility, but even so, he was tired - wearied in spirits like his soul had had enough of everything piling up on him. But for her, his sweet fiancée, he could stamp it down again if she wanted her strong, dependable hero to fill her aching channel. 
"Don't worry. Captain Man will be ooooo-kay if he gets to have you as his wife." Despite the sudden burning in his core, he breathed out the small joke and rejoyced when he felt her smile against his neck, happy to know he still had the knack. 
It was an admirable attempt to throw her off, to get her to back down and assume their usual routine of him taking dominance and fucking the living daylights out of her, but as her fingers brushed over his right nipple, she made her move. 
"You don't fool me, doof. Strip and lay down on the bed."
"Excuse me?" Ray paused, and it was comical how quickly his head whipped around to show her how perplexed he was. 
He watched with furrowed eyebrows as his sweet girl untangled herself from him, shuffled off the mattress and began peeling her longsleeved shirt from her torso. His dark eyes drank in every inch of her bare skin and cursed the cotton bra hiding her perfect tits from his hungry gaze. 
Stood before him in nothing but her underwear, she smirked at his shocked face and didn't miss how he stared at several spots on her body - her breasts, soft tummy, hips, thighs and his favourite place between them. She knew he wanted her, but she knew what that led to; him making the calls, wanting her to rely on him doing all the work. And that's not what this was about. 
"Let me take care of you for once, Ray. So, come on. Strip, lay face down on the bed and relax. That's an order."
Following her gentle instruction, Ray echoed her movements and removed the final pieces of clothing from his body - the pesky mask glued to his face and the boxer briefs that clung to his thick thighs, more so as his arousal became more apparent. 
He didn't like the idea of surrendering himself, not because he hated the idea of being her submissive, but because he was the carer. He took control in the bedroom and relieved her of any stresses, burdens or problems as he gave her nothing but pleasure, even when she was riding his cock like a fucking queen. 
It was his instinct. Snuggling into the sheets with his eyes closed and her movements unknown was not. 
"I don't know about this, (y/n)..." he mumbled into the comforter as he rested his head on his arms and tried to relax. His nude body was stretched out on the bed, reaching from the headboard to the foot in what his lover described as a chiselled work of art, and he huffed as his eyes fluttered shut because this was anything but relaxing. 
Unable to see, his other senses perked up, painting a scene in his head. He could hear his girl hovering around the room and the unmistakable sound of her bra and panties being removed in what had to be the most unfair striptease ever. He could picture her body perfectly, having had more than enough chances to emblazon it on his brain, but he wasn't supposed to get up and look. 
He was "relaxing". 
Then, he heard her walking around the room, moving from what he knew to be her dresser on the back wall to the bedside on the opposite side of the bed to him - her side of the bed. The rumble of the drawer caught his attention because, to be honest, he didn't know what she kept in there. Lip balm, a hairbrush, her favourite pieces of jewellery, who knows? That was her private drawer, and that was the bottom line. He didn't cross it. Never. Not once. Much like she didn't touch his. 
"You trust me, right?"
"More than anyone else, darlin'..."
"Then, lie there and think of your favourite thing in the world." He could hear the smile in her voice as she returned to his side, the bed dipping next to his shoulders as she clambered across her half. In her hands was an item from the drawer Ray knew she had opened, and it wasn't anything she'd ever paid much attention to. 
"That would be you, my sweet girl," Ray whispered, slowly getting used to lying there and letting her do what he liked. Thank god his eyes were closed, or he would've seen (y/n)'s deep blush, which he always loved to tease her about, so she quickly distracted herself by flicking open the cap of a bottle of sweetly scented oil - safe for use on all parts of the body. 
It came from a generic bath set she'd received from an unimaginative relative who didn't know her well enough to buy her something more meaningful, but it was serving an excellent purpose now as she watched the golden liquid swirl inside the fancy packaging. 
The potent smell of lavender wafted throughout the room as she shuffled a little more on the bed, taking extra care not to trample her beloved doofus as she swung a leg over his body and settled herself over his lower back. Ray tensed underneath her, the move taking him by surprise when he felt one warm hand on his back, and he had to admit, he didn't picture his precious girl straddling him. 
"What are--what's going--fuck, that's cold!" He gasped when she squeezed the bottle, allowing the oil to cascade onto his back and pool in the crevice of his shoulder blades, where it trickled across his skin. 
"Sorry, doof. It'll warm up soon," (y/n) giggled when he jerked underneath her, and in hindsight, she should've warmed it up a bit beforehand. But he soon quietened when her hands glided across his back, dipping into the oil and spreading it across his skin, she could give him a massage worthy of the hero of Swellview. 
Her thumbs got to work almost immediately, rubbing slowly and sensually at the taut muscles beneath the surface. Those shoulders that carried the world were the worst, tense and strained under her fingertips as Ray released the first groan of many. 
They looked so broad from that angle before they dipped into the trim waist between her legs, and she smiled softly to herself as she massaged his neck - even that felt tight - seeing how his eyelashes fluttered from her pleasured touches. His mouth fell open in an O-shape, his tension fleeing as she dragged out every second, moving across the edges of his shoulders and down to his biceps. 
She'd always wanted an excuse to obsess over them, fondle them without stopping and not have anyone judge her. In public, she could get away with the occasional squeeze or cling to one if he wore a hot, tight shirt, but now, he was all hers. Perfect. 
Pouring an extra drizzle of oil into her palm, she kneaded his upper arm, feeling herself grow wetter at their size - so big she couldn't get her fingers to meet across their circumference. But this wasn't about her. 
So what if the intensity made her muscles ache? This needed to be dragged out until words couldn't form on his tongue and every inch of him ached for her, so she kept going, pulling and squishing his arm, switching with the other one intermittently. She knew they took a beating every time he used the gym - every day - and she knew he rarely gave them any time to rest, so she spent a few extra minutes on them until his flesh was pliant and dough-like. 
"Fuck...so good at this. S-so good, sweet girl," he groaned underneath her as she spread the remaining oil on her hands down his forearms. They were as bulky as the rest of him, with thick tendons and veins stretching down into his hands, and she could picture every time they'd been posted next to her head as he fucked her sweet cunt and braced his lithe body over hers. It was unconventional, but she squeezed them anyway before moving on. 
Then, she took his hand, moving his arm slightly bent. Rolling each joint of each giant finger, she sighed silently at the tight palm muscles, knowing they were only so tight from years of hitting a punching bag, some jerk's face or hell, even a brick wall. 
They each told a story, from when he was a frustrated teen working to his father's orders of better, faster, stronger to the sparring session they shared two days prior when he took hit after hit from her but refused to harm a hair on her pretty head. Leaning down, she pressed kisses to each fingertip before tweaking the rough pads, ensuring the blood flowed properly to encourage them to loosen up. 
"I love your body. It's so strong...and hot. Really fucking hot," she chuckled, unable to hide the grin in her voice as yet more oil pooled in the cleft of his spine as she returned to one of his best features - one of her favourites. 
He hummed a response, a faint dusting of pink visible on his cheeks as she resumed work on his back, pushing hard on the taut muscles there before dragging her hands out toward his ribs. 
Ray couldn't help but ache from her words, feeling it in his heart from her gut-wrenching confession as he succumbed to her request and let himself fully relax into the massage - utterly at her mercy. And mercy it was. She did everything for him, slowly kneading big circles, gently pulling each side down and pushing away, relaxing the whole area before moving higher and starting again, kneading, pulling, pushing, dragging moan after guttural moan from his lips. 
His cock throbbed against the sheets, hard and aching for release as her weight pressed it into the mattress. It meant he couldn't grind himself into the cotton-like he desperately craved, feeling pleasure race down his every nerve ending from the angel naked on top of him, but he was too limp and amazed by her to move. 
He wouldn't complain about getting old for at least a few days as she reached his lower back, oiling him up so her hands glided down and across his waist, the one he insisted she wraps her legs around every time he pinned her down and took his fill.
Moving further down the bed, she grinned at the sight of his cute ass, having always secretly loved it for just its general...cuteness. It was so cute at the apex of his cinched-in torso before it widened for his firm, smooth buttocks, which, of course, were firmly kneaded without a care in the world since that's what he usually did. 
Ray Manchester was an ass man, through and through, so his sweet girl held nothing back as she listened to the small voice inside her head that said the soft flesh there was to be touched and admired, which sparked a small want in her. It looked so soft - like a marshmallow - and it's not like he hadn't done it before, so...
"Hey!... Did you just bite my ass?" Ray gasped when he felt a slight, painless sensation pinch his backside, but it melted into a chuckle when he felt a kiss a few inches from the crime scene. He was shocked but not disgusted and laughed with his lover as she sat back on her haunches to admire the indent she had left behind. 
"Maybe... You know you can't talk, doofus."
"Not my fault you have the most gorgeous fucking ass I ever s--shit, that's good--"
His words dried up on a choke as she descended to his thighs, using another inch of oil from the now half-empty bottle on his thighs, which were nearly as delicious as his butt. She worked much more slowly on his upper legs, relishing in the stiff muscles crafted by Greek Gods. Gently teasing his inner thigh with feather-light trails, the heroine pushed deep circles up the backs of those powerful legs, stopping once to return his hand to his ass cheek for one last squeeze. 
Finally, she reached the end of his long body, and her hands were burning from the massage as if she'd absorbed the aches and pains from him. She ignored it, knowing she'd do it all over again if it left this tempestuous man docile and purring between her thighs - and not in the usual way. 
He seemed to enjoy the last moments the most, relishing how her thumbs ran up and down his calves and feet, perhaps because it wasn't easy carrying his heavy, six-foot frame around all day to various corners of the city. At this point, she could feel her sticky arousal clinging to her thighs, and like Ray, she wished more than anything to clamp them shut in search of some friction, but her work prevented her from doing that, even as she reached his final pinky toe. 
The sheets were ruined - stained from the excess oil she used and the room would smell like lavender for weeks, but neither cared. Ray didn't know the meaning of work as she slithered up his body, ensuring he felt her hardened nipples and tummy brush against his back as she settled on top of his form again. 
"Better?" She asked in his ear quietly, pressing a kiss to his cheek and temple as her hands roamed his jelly-like arms. 
"Mmm," he grunted, too blissed out to form words, but he vowed he'd make it up to her later. Anything for the only girl he'd ever let see him like this, and he'd dated a few in his time. None of them had the privilege of seeing Captain Man in this weak state, but they never wanted to. They didn't care as she did, and Ray swore a tear ran down his cheek from the love swelling in his heart for his wife; damn whether a piece of paper dictated whether she was or not. 
She taught him to believe in love. Wholeheartedly. And for that, she was officially his unofficial wife. 
"Then turn over." The simple command pulled a groan from his lips, but he did as she asked, feeling younger than he had in years as he waited for her to move to one side before he rolled onto his back. In healing his body, she discovered his soul, and it didn't ache anymore, not when he cracked open his eyes to see his angel kneeling by his side, skin flushed and bumpy from the chilled air or the rampant desire between them, either one. 
His lips parted again as he scanned her perfect figure, his tongue darting out to wet them as he studied her movements, unable to stop himself from staring at her tits or ass. He was a gentleman at the end of the day, but as she saw when he rolled over, his courteous nature had been pushed aside by an animal - like she made him be - hungry for the sweet girl pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. 
"Poor baby...all this just from me rubbing your back?" She teased with a mischievous smile as she took in the delicious thickness between his thighs, laying heavily against his abs as she swung her leg over him again. 
"You know it is," he growled, taking in the familiar sight of her hovering over him, and she didn't miss the twitching of his cock when he noticed the slick between her legs. He wanted her, throbbed for her, and she took great delight in it, knowing a little oil and her rubbing up against him made him as solid as granite. 
Still in a teasing mood, her fingers danced across his inner thigh, drawing a hiss from him at the tender touch, and he longed for her to slide that pretty pussy over his cock and let him feel her. Part of him said that this wasn't right; his precious girl should be beneath him, legs spread, taking his cock so she could relax against the pillows, but he didn't dare move, not when her palm moved to the right and grasped his length. 
"Gonna ride you, sweetheart. You want that?"
"Fuck yes," he groaned as she took him into her hand and began pumping him slowly, the residual oil making her glide up and down his member easily. His hips jerked up into her movements as she carefully jerked him off, but she quickly put a stop to it, shuffling forward, so she straddled his thigh, which granted her more space to pin his hipbone with her free hand. 
She explored his abdomen, roaming his chiselled V-line and abs with a hungry stare since every time she saw them, she wanted to run her tongue over them. Ray didn't miss how she stared, fully aware of her lust for his body after catching one too many stares when he was shirtless in the gym, but she refused to surrender her newfound dominance. He was supposed to relax, and she didn't want those muscles flexing. 
"Can you promise me you'll behave?" She asked breathlessly as her hips moved against his thick thigh, slowly at first but gaining speed once she found a rhythm. All the while, her wrist twisted the movements on his cock, pulling low moans from him as he watched her hand with hooded eyes that met her devilish ones. 
"That means no trying to take charge, doofus."
"Will you fuck me if I say yes?" He asked, raising a cocky eyebrow in a last-ditch attempt to regain his instinctive dominance, but a jerk of her wrist and he howled. A long, guttural moan tore from his chest, which turned into a whine when her soaked pussy left his thigh, only to kill and send him to heaven when she settled above his cock. 
"You want my pussy. You have to behave, Raymond. Can you feel how much I need you? Want your big cock inside me..." (y/n) taunted him in a needy voice, the one she used when coaxing her Captain to give her what she wanted finally. But now, the tables had turned as she ground against him, feeling his hard length run through her wetness and catch on her entrance. 
The temptation to fuck it all and slide him in was high, and she clenched around nothing at the thought of finally satiating the burning need in her core, but the look on his face made it worth his. His eyes were screwed shut as his mouth contorted in a pain-filled grimace, and she had to lace his fingers between hers to stop him from seizing her hips and flipping them over. 
Nothing was stopping him from doing that, and they both knew it. He was Captain Man, infinitely stronger than Miss Danger, and with half her patience, but he went limp the second she pressed his wrists to the mattress beside his head. All the fight drained from his body, and he gazed into her determined eyes, seeing the challenge to take what he wanted as she rubbed his sensitive head against her clit. 
Nothing was stopping him. He could have her if he wanted. 
"I'll behave. Please, sweet girl...don't stop," his quiet pleas caused a smile to break out on her face, and she giggled at the lightness in her chest. Finally, he let go, and she knew what that meant for him, the man who had greatness thrust upon him at the tender age of eight. He cared so much, so guiding him to her soaked opening, she took care of him.
"Feel so good...So, good..." they moaned together as she slid down his cock, engulfing it in her tight warmth in one fell swoop. He was so big - so big every time he took her - like it was splitting her apart and pulling her back together in the best way. The slightest hint of pain, the breach of his cock melting into a delicious fire that licked and coated her nerves as the fat head knocked against soft tissue inside her. 
After taking a minute to adjust to him - an agonisingly long minute for Ray, but as always, he refused to move before she was ready - she found a pace with a slow rut that dragged his cock along tight walls where she could feel every single vein throb enticingly against her.
Rocking her hips steadily, gaining speed and confidence with each drop, she panted how good he felt, how thick—how addicted she was to the feel of him, how she wanted to fuck him for hours. Her nails curved down over the muscles of his shoulder blades, along his waist—basking in his size, his strength—before folding herself in half to meet him in a messy, teeth-clashing kiss that spoke of the pent-up frustration in both of them. 
It wasn't fair how everything fell to them. It wasn't fair that three people had to protect an entire city. It wasn't fair that the whole town paid for a police force that didn't care about them. It wasn't fair that those heroes still managed, despite the mistreatment. It wasn't fair that he couldn't call her his wife yet. It wasn't fair she couldn't call him her husband. It wasn't fair they still had to wait another year before making it official. 
None of it was fair, so there was no wonder she doubled her efforts to try and dull the ache from not being Mrs Manchester until the fancy resort they liked had a booking available. 
"Love you, doofus. Wanna take care of you, love you, and--god, wanna--wanna spend my life with you!"
"Fuck, darlin'. Wha--what--who'd I please to deserve you? Hmmm? Who sent you?" He rambled as she swivelled her hips faster, seeking his high more than her own. Maybe it would horrify him, but she wanted to wreck him, build up his pleasure and then wring it out of him in a gut-wrenching orgasm - like what he usually did for her. 
All that could be heard in the room was the vulgar sounds of her ass hitting his thighs as she rode him with a renewed passion, frantic to see him helpless underneath him, and she doubled her efforts as he settled his hands on her hips. Losing the will to be brutal as her pussy seized with need, she allowed him some control when he began to direct her movements, showing her how to roll against him until their ends were close. 
"Shit--I love you, doofus," (y/n) whimpered as she folded her body over his, so they could share a brief yet passionate kiss before they broke apart to pant against each other's lips. His hands brushed down her back, anything to feel her silky smooth skin beneath his fingertips, with his re-energised muscles pushing him to go harder. 
"I love you so much--fuck, gonna give you my cum--fuck--" he garbled as heat crept up his spine, urging his hips to move in small, sharp thrusts underneath her. The added friction caused them both to groan, and, lost to the pleasure, she said nothing, knowing that if this were him misbehaving, she'd take it any day. 
Biting at his bottom lip for the final time, the heroine met his mini thrusts perfectly, choking out a whiny moan with each battering hit to her pussy. It hurt so good, and Ray growled lowly in his chest as he watched her tweak her nipple and rub circles on her throbbing clit - once, twice, thrice - he swore he could've died. 
"Yes! I want that--want your cum. Pleasepleasepleaseplease--" she gasped as he abruptly sat up, his oiled torso pressing against hers as he wrapped his arms around her small form--and clamped her to him. A long, broken moan reverberated in her ear as he came - hard - groaning and grinding his hips up into her pussy as the sudden change of angle brought her release. 
The tight heat around her prolonged his pleasure, making Ray pant harshly into her hair as he rambled incoherent praises for the woman securely in his embrace. Everything felt hot, sticky, and close, from their spent bodies to the air around them - a stifling but not unpleasant haze of lavender and sex - but they loved it, loved the closeness of their post-workout glow as their hearts slowed with their breathing. 
Ray collapsed back on the bed, taking his sweet girl with him as the relaxation reached past his physical being and into his mind, meaning he didn't care about their ruined sheets or the fact that people were probably looking for them since it was early afternoon. All he cared about was the angel in his arms and how even after having the brains fucked out of him, he still wanted to have her again. 
He could feel her pussy twitching around him, and he wasn't ashamed to say he perked up with interest, even though she seemed perfectly content to trace her finger over his pec and rest on top of him. 
"Feel better?" she asked quietly, kissing his chest once, causing it to bloom with affection as he sighed and basked in the blissful peace around them. 
"Yeah...so much better, thanks to you, sweet girl," he replied quietly, pecking her forehead in gratitude as she snuggled into him, clearly content to stay like that, despite only cumming once. That didn't sit right with him; it never did, even if this was meant to be about him, and he, and he couldn't just lie there and say and do nothing. 
"Let me repay you."
"Nu-uh. This isn't about repayment, doofus. I wanted to do it," (y/n) told him firmly, her hand darting out to grab his when she felt it drift over the curve of her ass - and she knew what would follow that. 
As lovely as the idea was, it had taken her an hour to get him this zen, and besides, she'd received more than her fair share over the years they'd dated. It was time to give back, and that's entirely what she intended to do. 
"I can't just--"
"I am more than satisfied, Ray. I got to take care of the man I love..." she grinned and pulled his wandering hand back to her chest so she could kiss his knuckles. It was painfully sweet to watch, but that was her all over, and for once, the hero didn't argue as she raised her hips to separate their conjoined bodies. A small part of him longed to return the favour, but he stopped himself. 
Ray allowed himself to be genuinely selfish for one hour of his life. To not worry about the world. To not run around after others. To not dance when someone clicks their fingers. He lay back and relaxed, content to doze with his fiancée as she momentarily slipped out of bed to bring him a glass of water and a damp flannel to wipe his brow. 
Only mischief was on her mind. 
"...and he's more than welcome to join me in the shower in half an hour."
Yep, she was his perfect girl.
*Six thousand filthy words later and in the words of season one Piper, I AM NOT OKAY!!! Seriously that took me like two hours, and now I have to do the episode :) Just smile and type, Ruth, smile and type. 
In all seriousness, though, that smut was for me, so now, this chapter is for all of you. My beloved readers. And the next two episodes because I'm not too fond of those either. 
For the innocents rejoining us, we're about to begin, so please take your seats. Although, in fairness, this shit's about to get properly weird. I don't know if you want to stick around. It's worse than the smut ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
~The Man Cave~
Henry was suspicious. 
Not overly suspicious, but curious. Suspiciously curious. A bit like how his parents were sceptically interested after he went missing for a month, only he managed to placate them with a few finessed lies and his sister's help. This was different and didn't involve butterflies. 
For the last two days, he, (y/n), and Ray had been called out to an abundance of irritating, strenuous and time-consuming emergencies, all of which had taken their toll on his man-child of a boss. So, understandably, he'd been in a foul mood, snapping and arguing over the little things - nearly biting his head off for sneezing in the Man Van. 
He was tired. He understood that, and he was tired too. However, he couldn't understand how all his crabbiness seemed to disappear mysteriously after he slunk off to his bedroom with the pretty heroine traipsing after him. 
A couple of hours later, he was smiling, cracking jokes, and fooling around like it was the first call of the week, which baffled the kid as he watched his boss mess around like the big idiot he was. What had happened in those few hours between the paintball guy and the Burrito Brothers? 
Why was he suddenly so...relaxed?
"Man, what is it about fighting the Burrito Brothers that makes me stupid hungry?" The smiley hero asked as he and his sidekicks jetted down the tubes with springs in their steps - not because the mission had been easy, but because they were glad to be home. 
Henry glanced at the happy couple, noting how clingy and affectionate they were, which wasn't uncommon for them - not in the slightest - but it was excessive. Strangely, (y/n) clung to her doofus like a lady on a gentleman, and he escorted her down the steps without glancing at the floor in front of him because that would mean tearing his eyes away from her pretty face. 
"I don't know, doof, but I'm stupidly hungry too," she replied with a lovestruck smile as her tummy grumbled quietly. They'd skipped lunch, and somehow, accidentally on purpose, they'd snuck a workout in between, so she was ravenous.
"I mean, is it the name?"
"I am stupid starving," Henry agreed as Ray kept ogling his precious girl, shrugging off their weird behaviour since they found a new reason to fall in love every day. Perhaps they were feeling extra touchy today, or maybe it was a full moon or something; he didn't know. All he knew was that if he didn't have a snack in the next five minutes, he would die—or something to that effect. 
"'Cause right now, I am the Spanish word for hungry..."
"That would be hambriento, or tienes hambre, doofus," (y/n) told him helpfully, melting his heart and brain because that was hot. She was hot. It was all hot. Caliente. And it turned his mind to mush as they casually strolled across the room, doting on each other so much that nothing stole their attention. 
"Or the Spanish word for food..."
"That's comida," she knew he was toying with her now, throwing word after word out in a ploy to get her to say more stuff, and Henry wasn't helping. Happy to know his boss was back to his usual chirpy self, the kid eagerly played along with the banter, causing the woman to roll her eyes when Ray's hand settled in the small of her back and guided her towards the table and auto-snacker. Although, secretly, it was nice to know she flustered him so much. 
"I could literally eat a fully grown Spanish person right now!" 
"What have I said about encouraging him, Hen?" She joked, biting her tongue as her shoulder nudged the kid, making them engage in a minor scuffle until Ray noticed something...peculiar. 
In the middle of the room, balanced on a small cabinet, was a jar, like the kind you'd see in some dusty bar out in the sticks with pickled eggs, trotters and onions. No one knew where it had come from, but they were more focused on its contents; hundreds of milky-coloured balls covered in a purple goo as they floated in an equally strange liquid. It shimmered like the cosmos and had an intoxicating, sweet smell as they got closer to see the unknown substance. 
"Are these leechees?" Ray asked, pointing at the suspicious jar of what he assumed was syrupy, preserved fruit, even if he butchered the pronunciation. In fairness, it wasn't a wrong guess; they looked and smelled good enough to eat, but despite her hunger, (y/n)'s tummy told her to stay away—warding her off with its age-old wisdom that she shouldn't touch what she didn't understand. 
"Um, sweetheart, it's pronounced lychees, but we shouldn't—"
"You know, the fruit? That you can eat?" If only Ray had the same caution. He was still buzzing from his mid-afternoon break with his sweet girl, so all he saw was her beautiful face and a load of nibbles, perfectly sized for him to feed her. He'd seen the cooking channel, and he could swear that these things grew on trees, meaning there was no need to be wary. Why else would they be out in the open if not for eating?
"You keep saying leechees. It's lychees—lychees—lychees. It's pronounced lychees like (y/n) said," Henry tried to correct him as the hero kept rambling, but in the end, he gave up when his hard-headed boss kept talking about whatever fruit he thought they were. If the leechees—lychees—whatever—were good enough for him, then they were good enough for Henry, who'd worked up an appetite after battling two men who used burritos as ammo. 
"You know what? I'm starving—I'm eating a lychee," the boy held up his hand to make Ray shut up before he dipped the same fingers into the jar. He plucked one of the "fruit" from the liquid, noting how it clung to his gloves like goop, and the saccharine essence became even stronger as he brought it to his face. 
"Wait!" Ray suddenly interjected, stopping Henry just before he could place the lychee in his mouth, and (y/n) breathed a sigh of relief. 
"What?"
"This is a bad idea," he told the kid with a stern face, and the kid paused for a moment. The woman clinging to her doofus broke out into a smile, shocked that they were being sensible and listening to her tummy for once. She pressed a kiss to Ray's shoulder - or as near as she could get to it - feeling perfectly content and happily in love since they were playing it safe. Right?
"Thank you, doofus. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks we should just get some chicken nuggies from the—"
"Why?" Henry asked as (y/n) gestured to the auto-snacker, frowning at his boss for suggesting that the lychees were bad news when all he saw was fruit preserved in sugary syrup. What was so wrong with that? There were millions in the jar; surely, Schwoz, Charlotte, or whoever wouldn't miss a couple. 
"Because, dude, you don't even know...how good I am at catching food in my mouth!" Ray exclaimed, and (y/n)'s face fell like a ton of bricks. She thumped his bicep and whined, hating how they were messing with the mysterious food when they didn't know who it belonged to or where it came from, but the boys being the boys, wanted to show off - like the testosterone-fuelled chimps they were. 
"I am also very good at catching food in my mouth!"
"I'm probably a little bit better..."
"To be fair, sweetheart, you say that about everything, and you're almost always wrong," (y/n) said tentatively as her lover preened like a peacock, his ego stretching out before him as Henry dared to say he was better at something. His face turned to hers in a twist of betrayal and, strangely, amusement as if her words provided a challenge, and he could never be angry at her, so his eyes quickly softened as he pulled her into a loose embrace, arms hanging limply off her waist. 
"You weren't saying that earlier in the shower—"
"And I'm outta here!" Henry choked as his wide eyes darted anywhere but in their direction, and he made to leave the room before he heard something revolting, which he assumed boosted the man's mood and her touchiness that afternoon. He could grab a snack at home, or a cafe, or on the moon—anything that meant he could get out of their way, but Ray wasn't done with him yet, even if he was in the middle of rubbing noses with his precious fiancée. 
"You wanna go?" He challenged the kid, pulling away from his flushed girl, who couldn't help but run her tongue over her lips to chase the fading taste of peppermint. She still wasn't entirely pleased by their fooling around, but her brain felt so fuzzy now, slightly hypoxic after being ruined by his kiss. 
"You wanna go?" And Henry was receptive. Seeing the man put down his lover, he eyed the jar and thought about the offer, thinking anything Ray could do, he could do better—or something like that. So, he swallowed the bile rising from his stomach and returned to their side, eager to show off. 
"Let's do this thing!"
"Okay, okay, let's go!" 
"Seriously? How old are you two?" (y/n) groaned as they each took a suspicious lychee and moved away from the trolley. Facing each other off, they stood about two metres apart, so they could throw the small fruits into each other's mouths as the woman watched on her her head in her hands, and Ray was the first to try it out. He dropped his jaw open, looking like a goldfish, as Henry lined up his shot and tossed the fruit, but his aim was awful to say he was a superhero's sidekick. 
He came, he threw, and he completely missed. 
The so-called snack soared past Ray's head and landed somewhere near the supercomputer, where it would be forgotten about and left to rot until the pungent smell drew someone to clean it up months later.
"My bad—my bad—my bad."
"No problem. We got plenty of leechees," Ray brushed off his worries as he pointed to the whole jar, but Henry kept cringing at his dodgy pronunciation. 
"Pronounced lychees, though.
"Uh, agree to disagree—cheese!" However, the hero dismissed him quickly, preferring to focus on their little competition since he obviously had the sweetest spectator in the world - on his side. So, he tossed his lychee, but to say he was a superhero, who trained in sharpshooting since he was a child, had every weapon under the sun, and whose job it was to hit every target every time, he was an appalling marksman. 
At least he hit Henry's face. That was something. He didn't get it in the boy's open mouth, but it hit his cheek. Not a bad attempt. 
"You two are terrible, you know that? You can't hit the target to save your lives," (y/n) giggled as she watched the fruit hit the floor, and her doofus turned to her with a faux-annoyed face. He booped her nose, causing her eyelashes to flutter and her cheeks to heat up as he reached into the jar again for more ammo. Of course, she was willing to show them how it was done, but the plan was still stupid in her eyes. She wouldn't touch those slimy alls even if they paid her. 
"Watch, sweet girl. It's a numbers game, and we're getting close..." Ray announced confidently, tossing a few more lychees at Henry, all pinging off his nose, upper lip, forehead or cheek every time. To say he was meant to be impressing her as only he could, he wasn't doing an outstanding job, so he tried again. And again. And again. 
Twenty minutes later, and (y/n) wasn't sure about turning it on, she was ready to nod off. Having grown tired of every failed attempt shared by the boys, she'd plopped onto the couch and watched with her head resting on her arms, her eyes getting heavier and heavier with each achingly slow, passing second. 
Hundreds of attempts later, Ray and Henry were still going, determined to succeed just once, even as the tried and tested lychees from the dwindling jar piled up around them. They littered the floor like stars in the sky, creating a huge mess that (y/n) would inevitably make them clean up after she woke up from her dozing. 
"I honestly thought we'd be a bit better at this," Henry admitted as he held one of the remaining lychees between his forefinger and thumb, ready to toss it in his boss's general direction. He had the excuse of being a child, with a quarter of Ray's experience with aiming and shooting, so what was his reason?
"Yeah, you would've thought you'd have caught one by now...y'know, since we're superheroes," (y/n) uttered, her words slightly slurred since her cheek was smushed into her arm, but they resonated with the boys all the same. It was an excellent point; they shared a sheepish look, knowing she was right. How did they take down criminals when they could barely do this?
"Yeah, well, this is the last lychee, so let's make it count," Kid Danger stated as he held up their last chance. There was nothing left but syrupy stuff in the jar - and they'd checked thoroughly, so they were determined to make it this time. So determined, Ray prodded his precious girl and encouraged her to open her pretty eyes before they did, so she could witness him being great. Y'know, because he liked her attention...amongst other things. 
"All right, I'm ready for it.'
"This is the one. I can feel it! Just don't mess up the throw," the hero advised his sidekick as Charlotte, Jasper, and Schwoz emerged from the secret door, sloping off after a minor incident involving the so-called lychees. The heroes were oblivious to their presence because it was just their friends in the Man Cave, nothing weird about that, so they didn't see how their faces fell and contorted in panic at the sight of the empty jar...or their dangerous horseplay. 
"Dude, my throws are gold!" Henry complained, thinking he was a pretty damn good shot. He was not as good as (y/n) - she had an edge, which made up for her lack of physical strength - but he wasn't as bad as his boss. 
"Yeah. Fool's gold."
"Whaaaat?"
"What are you guys doing?!" Charlotte snapped, interrupting their banter before they could start bickering again, and her volume suddenly caused (y/n) to be very awake. What was all the noise for? And why did she look so pale when she saw what they were doing with the purple lychees? She'd ruin their concentration if she weren't careful, but that wouldn't be bad in the girl's mind. 
"Quiet, Charlotte. I'm about to catch a leechee."
"Pronounced lychee, doof," the heroine muttered as she rubbed her tired eyes and shuffled off the couch. Now that everyone had gathered, she felt she needed to stand up; this was her lover's big moment, even if she didn't like how he dismissed the girl so harshly. She whacks him for that later. 
"NOOOOOOO!" However, Schwoz scared everyone when he bolted from the doorway and held his hands out as if to get them to stop, but he wasn't fast enough. His shout came too late as Henry tossed the lychee, and Ray opened his mouth wide, willing the forbidden fruit to hit his tongue, despite his sweet girl's warnings. A strange feeling set in her tummy - the kind that always told her to run, hide or stop what she was doing because something wasn't right, but as time seemed to slow down, it was too late to do anything - save for Henry's dab. 
Thankfully, by some goddamn miracle, or maybe just Henry's bad throwing, the lychee bounced off the man's upper lip, saving him from a truckload of trouble as it rolled along the floor to join the others. Well, that was their last chance gone. 
"Dah! You guys made me miss!" Ray grumbled as he pointedly glared at everyone except for (y/n) because he could never blame her. 
"My throw was sick!" Henry noted, and the blame fell to the helpers who'd come through the door, but they didn't have it in themselves to feel bad. If only they knew what they'd been playing with, they weren't leechees or lychees. 
"Wow, that was close..." Schwoz sighed, breathing a sigh of relief as he stared at the mess on the ground, thankful that it was there and not inside anyone. As he explained to the teens earlier after Jasper nearly made the same mistake, that would be very bad indeed, and (y/n) didn't miss his frown or the alleviation in his voice, which made her frown too. 
"What was close?" She asked as she neared her doofus and brushed up against his arm, having been too far away from him for too long, but despite the joy she felt when he curled an arm around her shoulders, she couldn't help the concern swelling in her chest. Ray wasn't particularly bothered - he was still hungry - but she focused entirely on the genius, especially when he explained...
"If you had eaten that, an alien would have—" Schwoz started, and her eyes widened at the word alien, but he never got to finish because the Man Cave's resident mastermind got there first. 
"And I'm no longer listening. Five-second rule!" Ray interrupted him and dropped it like it was hot so he could pick the freshly tossed not-lychee from the floor and pop it in his mouth. (y/n) felt the blood in her face drain away at their horrified expression, and even though she didn't understand why they looked so scared, it didn't take a genius to realise that her doofus had done a very doofy thing. And it wasn't just because he'd eaten food off the floor, something she'd scolded him for many times before. 
"Ugh, I always forget how much I hate leechees," the man pulled a face as the fruit squirted a surprisingly bitter flavour across his tongue. It was salty, almost metallic, and had a strange texture like jelly he couldn't chew, quite unlike what he remembered lychees to be like, but one thing was for sure. He'd need to brush his teeth or drown himself in his sweet girl's honeyed taste to get rid of whatever he'd just put in his mouth. 
"Ah, me too, dude. They are gross," Henry agreed blindly, even though he'd been smart enough not to eat food from the floor. 
"Those aren't leechees!" Schwoz told them sharply, causing (y/n) to gulp as her suspicions were confirmed. Dammit, why didn't her doofus ever listen? Why didn't she stop him earlier? And most importantly, if they weren't fruit, what were those things?"
"Can't you read the sign I didn't put on the jar?!" The genius snapped and held up a sticky labelled in Ray's face, but he didn't have the time to read it, as Jasper explained.
"Those are alien eggs," he said, and it was like the world stopped. Suddenly, Ray's tummy didn't feel so good, and neither did Henry's and (y/n) swore she would pass out because those didn't sound edible or safe. More like something out of a horror sci-fi movie, and her doofus had eaten them. He'd goddamn eaten them, causing her shaking hand to reach for his as the hideous truth dawned on them. 
"Huh?"
"Those are alien eggs!" Charlotte reiterated when the hero's mind went blank, save for the thought that he wondered why they tasted so bad. 
"Huh?" He mumbled again, glad he had his precious girl by his side because he'd done some foolish things in his time, but eating alien eggs took the biscuit. Her petrified face stared at his blank one, looking for any sign that this was some big prank and they were going to tell her that her lover wasn't now infested, but he looked as terrified as she did. 
"Those are alien eggs!"
"All right, we get it! Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on before I explode?!" (y/n) snapped as the repetition got too much for her, fighting back the tears. She was strong - undoubtedly strong - and she could deal with a lot of shit, god knowing she had done after over a decade spent living in the Man Cave, but when eggs and things got mentioned, she freaked out...a lot. 
"Schwoz told us if you eat one, it will grow and hatch inside your stomach!" Jasper exclaimed, and the woman swore vomit rose in her throat as her body shook. She would need every ounce of her strength to get through this because that was her doofus, the man she swore to love no matter what, and he was—what? Incubating? Henry hovered behind her as she swayed from side to side, thinking she was about to faint, but gathering her resolve, she looked Schwoz dead in the eye and muttered lowly, trying not to lose it. 
"Schwoz...please tell me that isn't true," she begged, feeling Ray's hand squeeze hers lightly, but she felt like she was floating above the room, looking down on the scene rather than being a part of it. It all felt surreal until her world came crashing into reality with the small man's grimace. 
"It's true..." he revealed, and at the moment—four-o-four. (y/n) not found. She wasn't an idiot, and for all his stupidity and recklessness, Ray wasn't either, so it didn't take long for them to put two and two together. This wasn't how it was meant to be...
"Schwoz...did I just get pregnant with an alien baby?" Ray asked squeakily, feeling his blood pressure go through the roof in a revelation that was hard on him and his fiancée. They'd always wanted children, little ones running around, half him and half her, to complete the family of their dreams, but this was a little early...plus, a tad extreme. Alien babies were out of their comfort zone, and panic set in when he wondered if this would be too weird for them to survive. 
"We won't know for sure for a couple of days," Schwoz revealed solemnly, and Ray looked around at his silent family. Henry pulled at an uneasy face and held up his crossed fingers, saying a silent prayer that by some miracle, the alien egg wouldn't hatch and they'd had a near miss. 
Perhaps Lady Luck was shining on them that day, or maybe the Goddess of Love would take pity on the lovers, who had enough to think about as it was, let alone a mutant freak alien baby. (y/n) breathed deeply to try and control her nerves, which were understandably running rampant at the thought of her doofus...giving birth—god, she never thought she'd imagine that. 
It wasn't exactly the order they'd planned things, not when they were so busy with their superhero careers, but at least if it was the other way around, and she had a little one in her tummy, there'd be a degree of normality. Something to be excited about. The way nature intended. This would be the ultimate test of their love—to see if they could take it to the brink of insanity and survive. 
But maybe she was panicking over nothing. Perhaps she was being her classic (y/n)-self; think about the worst outcome, not the other possibilities. Everything could be fine, and they'd be laughing about this in two days. Yeah, that was it. This was nothing to worry about - a mere hiccup in the road. Everything was going to be all right. 
~Two days later~
Or not. 
Everything was not all right, and nothing was okay. And she was about to have a heart attack. 
For two days, they'd waited with bated breath, looking out for every known pregnancy symptom, and (y/n), a responsible adult female in a serious, long-term relationship, was deemed an expert. Don't know why but she was. She rolled her eyes at that, having never actually been pregnant and knowing very little about the finer details, but since she was...a mother-to-be - shoot her - she watched the...father-to-be's - shoot him - every move. 
No morning sickness. Ray continued to feel...fine every morning, meaning they carried on as usual in that regard, much to their friend's disgust when she had to make a cryptic note about his progress.
For the same reason, Ray didn't seem tired. He had plenty of energy and whined when his sweet girl forbade him from going out on missions with the argument that, for once, Swellview could shove its problems and leave them in peace because this was a crisis - one he was very much awake for. 
Then, more problems came when he lacked the...biology to show signs of their bundle of joy. He had no boobs to ache, no uterus to check, and the appetite of a horse, so it was impossible to see if he suddenly disliked any food. Therefore, by the second morning, (y/n) was almost certain - praying - that the egg didn't begin to grow and they could resume their happy, healthy, normal relationship, but of course, that was too much to ask. 
Everything was normal until that fateful morning when Ray woke up feeling like an elephant was sitting on his bladder, an octopus was alive in his tummy, and he'd gained fifty pounds in weight. He felt...off, and nothing prepared the Man Cave for the bellowing screech he let out when he shuffled to the bathroom, only to see himself in the mirror. 
It was clear to see out in the light of the main room, and everything suddenly felt very real. Standing in front of the same mirror in the Man Cave, surrounded by his nearest and dearest, Ray Manchester, a thirty-seven-year-old man, stood cradling his very pregnant belly with a disturbed expression. The growth had occurred almost overnight, (y/n) having gone to bed adoring his washboard abs with every piece of her heart. 
To see his tummy so large, round heavy that his t-shirt couldn't stretch over it made her feel physically sick, and it was more than Henry and Charlotte's job's worth to pat her back as she tried not to cry. This wasn't how it was supposed to go...
"We know for sure. You're pregnant."
"Oh, yeah? What gave you that stellar idea, Schwoz?" She hissed bitterly, her eyes glued to the swollen mass glued to her panicking doofus, who had so many questions yet so little time. If he could get this big in two days, when would he...y'know...pop? It was most unlike his darling girl to be rude, especially to the coconut-headed genius, but no one could blame her. If she barely knew where to look, then the teens barely knew what to say, unlike Schwoz. 
"Congratulations!" He grinned and pushed the couple together, causing Ray to wrap an arm around his girl, who, to his heartbreak, could barely look at him in that condition. As quick as a flash, he pulled out a party popper and pulled the string, releasing the confetti and silver string over the unamused couple, who had never felt so distant in all of their relationship until now. 
"Yay..." he cheered in a quiet voice as they glared at him. 
"Fuck off, Schwoz," (y/n) snapped as she pulled away from her rapidly swelling fiancé and marched off to go and think. That's what she needed to do; sit down and think. Just think everything through, leaving her friends to watch her go sadly. Ray's mouth opened to call out after her, knowing this was difficult, but he needed her the most out of everyone since he didn't know how pregnancy worked. 
He couldn't do this alone, but no words left him as she disappeared through the sprocket, and he knew he couldn't follow. She needed time alone, and he couldn't walk that far unaided if he tried. Seriously, how did women do this? He felt so off-balance and whale-like, and if he was frank, he wanted to bury himself in her arms and shed a tear or two. 
This wasn't what they had planned, but there was nothing they could do now, and all they could do was come together and prepare for parenthood...for their alien baby. 
~
Another two days later, (y/n) had primarily gotten over her initial shock. She was by no means happy to learn that Schwoz's little experiment with the space rock from all those years ago had led to her doofus becoming a human vector for god knows what abomination was inside of him, but she was slowly learning to live with it - and him. 
Ray didn't suit being pregnant, and he commended her for agreeing to have their children should the opportunity arise. It was awful. His back hurt, his bladder was constantly full, he couldn't sleep at night, he had heartburn every five seconds, his ankles were swollen, the morning sickness had hit him in full swing, he wanted every food under the sun but smushed together on the same plate, and worst of all, his libido was ten times what it usually was, which was a lot. And (y/n) wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole. 
That made him incredibly grumpy, crabby, moody, snappy and whiny, and if he was all those things, then everyone around him had to face his wrath - except for his sweet girl, who was at his beck and call for everything. Everyone else, though, was miserable because Pregnant Ray was an absolute bitch.
"Uh, I want this thing out of me!" Ray groaned as he emerged from the secret door and the bathroom in the corridor behind it. (y/n) was on his arm, helping him walk since his stomach was impossibly larger forty-eight hours later. 
The hero wore an especially fetching and comfortable tank top that showed off his beefy arms for his sweet girl to drool over, except that it humorously had "Future Sidekick" and an arrow pointing to his belly printed on it. He looked so damn hot until she got to the front part, and then, she had to remember that he was ready to burst and reliant on everyone around him. 
"It keeps kicking my bladder. I gotta pee every five minutes, and I'm sick of it!"
"Welcome to the pleasures of being a woman, Raymond..." she sighed as she helped him over to the couch, her more petite body taking most of his weight. He was eternally grateful and amazed that she and millions of others worldwide wanted to go through the debilitating process, but he was so fed up already, having suddenly become heavily pregnant in under a week. How women did it for over nine months was beyond him, and he didn't mean to be so mean - he just hated how this was tearing them apart. 
"Yeah, relax. It's only been a couple of days," Jasper dismissed his groaning, also fed up with the whole pregnancy thing, but only because he bellyached. He would never be so dismissive if it were someone else, but Ray was just a drama queen. 
"Uh, excuse me. Have you ever been pregnant?" Ray asked sassily, proving the boy's point. It wasn't his fault that he'd only had the odd peck from his precious girl over the past few days since every time she embraced him, his belly bumped hers, and then, weird shit happened. She could feel the alien moving and squirming inside him, which made her skin crawl, so after brushing her lips against his cheek, she ran off to get him juice, a fluffy pillow, or a book to read. And that made him wilt. 
"No..."
"Then maybe don't tell the pregnant man to relax." A definite drama queen, but he didn't miss how his fiancée sighed at those two vital words as she helped him sit down. 
"Just relax, Ray," she muttered, and he groaned lowly when he finally took the weight off his aching back and feet. His bulky, masculine body was not suited to carry the alien, and his heart wasn't prepared for how she walked on eggshells around him. She didn't seem to call him doofus as much, and everything they usually did was impossible because of his belly - it got in the way of everything, meaning he'd never been so desperate to hold her in his arms. 
"Thank you, darlin'", he muttered as he relaxed on the couch as she instructed, smiling softly when she sat behind him. Her hand settled on his shoulder, waiting for the next thing he needed, and the proximity was good enough for him as Jasper brought over a much-needed snack, although it was one of his craving creations and, therefore, inedible to anyone else. He couldn't feed his sweet girl nibbles even if he tried - she hated the tastes he suddenly loved. 
"What's this?" Ray queried as he accepted the plate from the kid, but he didn't remember ordering it. He was excepting something else. Cue the moodiness. 
"It's pizza with peanut butter on it like you asked," he replied, causing (y/n) to wrinkle her nose at the bizarre combination, but she let her lover have what he needed. She didn't like it, but she wouldn't let him suffer, even if he was being horrible to everyone. 
"I asked Henry to bring me Chinese food! Right, sweet girl? You remember, right?! We were going to share the noodles!" The pregnant hero whined and shouted as he dropped the pizza on the table in disgust. He craned his head back to gaze at his pretty girl, appealing to her since she'd agreed to share lunch with him like they always did, but she was shaking his head, much to his disappointment. 
"Doofus, when he didn't come back fast enough, you asked Jasper to get pizza with peanut butter on it, and you threw your boot at him, which is why I told you off," the woman replied softly, trying to withhold her need to scream and shout because it was all too overwhelming yet she couldn't find comfort in her soulmate's arms. She didn't fit. Two's company, but three's a crowd. 
"Oh..." Ray muttered as he realised she was right. He glanced down at his foot and noticed his shoe was missing, and after looking around, he saw it lying alone by the supercomputer. He did that right, and she scolded him like a mother would do to a child, proving she would make a better parent than he would. He was too soft and childish, but then again, their two halves made a whole, and they worked so well together - the perfect team put to the most challenging test. 
"I'll go find Henry. Come on, (y/n/n). He'll probably need help with the food," Jasper sighed and reached for the plate of offending food as (y/n) stood up from the couch. Henry was probably okay, but after days of his crabbiness, everyone needed a break from the hormonal man and a dose of her characteristic sweetness. 
"No, don't take my pizza and fiancée away from me!" However, Ray had other ideas. With lightning speed, his hand zipped out and stopped Jasper before he could toss the vile pizza in the trash. Similarly, he grabbed (y/n)'s wrist and refused to let go, feeling his heart lurch at the thought of her leaving because he needed her. He loved her, and if this pushed her away...he wouldn't get through it. He needed her; watching her leave made him ache more than any stupid alien baby could. 
"Well, you just said you didn't want it! And if you want Chinese food, you're going to have to let (y/n) go get it," Jasper bit back. Yelling at his boss was his first mistake, but using the words "let (y/n) go" was his second and the gravest. Ray was already in a fragile state, and he wanted his future wife where he could hold her hand, kiss her, and tell her he was so sorry for all of this, so he did the only thing his pregnant brain could think of. He used his other boot. 
"I'll go find Henry!" The kid quickly said and stomped off, annoyed that their lives now revolved around the moody man, who left his shoe alone now that he'd backed off, but he wouldn't get his way. 
"Enjoy your pizza, doof. I'm gonna get our noodles," (y/n) whispered in his ear as she rose from the couch for a second time and squeezed his shoulders, aiming to follow Jasper to try and argue on her lover's case. She knew everyone hated him right now, and trust her, no one hated this weird pregnancy more than she did, but she wanted to tell them that a normal pregnancy wasn't easy, and it wasn't like Ray was ever meant to have a child like that. He was struggling as much as them, and they needed to know that. Plus, Henry had their food, and it was past lunchtime. 
"But—but...baby...don't leave me," the man said weakly, his bottom lip trembling with the emotion only pregnancy could bring, and she smiled sympathetically. She never expected her husband to have their first child, but she was coping. Just about. 
"I'll be back before you know it, Ray." 
"Can I at least have a kiss before you go?" He asked quietly, a look of longing breaking her heart as he manoeuvred as best he could with his swollen belly. A part of her repulsed the idea of getting close to whatever unnatural thing was growing in his stomach - whatever it was, it shouldn't have been there - yet that came into conflict with her undying love for him. That's when she realised that maybe she'd been a little selfish, prioritising her fear of the unknown over caring for her doofus. This was hard for him too, and kisses always made things better. 
"Of course, doofus. Whenever you want a kiss, just ask," she smiled, growing slightly teary as she leaned down to seal their lips, and he gladly indulged in it, having felt a little lonely despite everyone around him. The universe wasn't right if things weren't normal between them, and after a few seconds where he could swipe his tongue over her bottom lip, she pulled back. 
"Let me go get us something to eat," the heroine told him gently, and this time, he smiled back. Things weren't perfect, nor as they should be, but they were still a team, which was close enough. 
"Hurry back, sweet girl."
"Always." And with that, she hurried after Jasper, who'd nobly waited in the middle of the room for them to say goodbye. God, they made it seem like Ray was going off to war or something, and (y/n) elbowed him in the ribs when he cracked a joke about how they'd see each other again someday. Leaving Ray to shove half a pizza slice in his mouth, they headed for the elevator, unaware that some people had made it their haven after one too many telling off from the groaning man. 
Without any warning, hands clamped over their mouths, and they were pulled inside, unbeknownst to Captain Man as he chowed down. The boy and woman gasped, but their unknown attackers muffled the noise as the door closed behind them, and it wasn't until they were safely inside that their identities were revealed. 
"What on Earth are you two doi—" (y/n) gasped as she braced herself against the wall and came face-to-face with Henry and Charlotte, who'd been suspiciously missing all morning, but before they could interrogate her, they shushed in her face. 
"Shhhhhhh!"
"We're hiding from Ray!" Charlotte hissed, wary that the guy would hear them since the elevator hadn't moved. The only thing protecting them from that big man-child-sized bundle of hormones was the metal door, and god knows that he'd damn near rip it off to get to his sweet girl again, especially if he found out they'd lured her away intentionally. 
"The alien pregnancy is making him crazy! You should know that (y/n/n)," Henry added solemnly, making the woman look at him and the girl flatly. They made him sound a lot worse than he was; sure, he'd made some unreasonable demands, but that was still the man she loved out there. He just had a little extra...something with him. 
"You guys are making him sound like a monster or something!" She whispered back, gesturing wildly as she defended her doofus - her instinct. "He is still the same sweet, considerate—"
"Considerate? Yeah, maybe for you..." Henry scoffed at her words, which earned him another glare because she hated how everyone took her fiancé for granted, even though he'd served the city for years. So, if the kid knew what was good for him, he'd keep his mouth shut. 
"—Loving, adorable man, who I still want to marry! Look, it's not for long. We just have to wait for this...thing to be born, and then, we never have to deal with it again. And besides, it's not like things can get much worse..."
"It's only going to get worse!" A voice came from above their heads, making Jasper and (y/n) jump when they looked up to see Schwoz halfway up the wall like a goddamn ape. How did he cling to the smooth stone wall like that? Spider-Schwoz? Maybe. He waved hello at them before dropping down, landing with a slight thud, which drew many shushes and didn't sound suspicious to Ray outside, but he was too big and too busy with his pizza to get up and investigate. 
He'd have his girl back with him soon enough—and with Chinese food. That was all he needed to think about. 
"You need to get out there!" Jasper told his best friend harshly, feeling sick to the stomach, that he'd been taking abuse all morning when Henry had been happily camping out in the elevator's safety. "Ray's furious that you haven't come back with his Chinese food yet, and now, he thinks you've taken (y/n) away to carry it all!"
"That's why I'm hiding! Well, not the (y/n) bit—thanks for that, by the way. He's going to kill me," Henry jerked his head to look at the woman dryly, who gave a slight, indifferent shrug since she knew her doofus wouldn't go that far, not when the teen was his favourite of their adopted children, and she'd be kissing and cuddling him again by that point. 
"Eh...he'll get over it once we do that thing with the noodles like in Lady and The Tramp. Y'know, slurp the noodle, and then, we get to ki—"
"The Chinese place is out of the greasy food that Ray wants! There are no noodles!" Henry exclaimed, breaking (y/n) out of her lovey-dovey daydream, where she and her doofus were snuggling on the couch like old times, swapping spring rolls and stir-fried vegetables because everything tasted better when shared. It made her smile into nothingness, but then, Henry burst her happy bubble, and she looked at him in horror at such terrible news. Oh no, Ray was in a foul mood as it was...
"Why?" Jasper asked, also horrified since they hadn't confiscated Ray's other boot. 
"There's a grease shortage!" Schwoz replied, making the boy throw his head back sceptically because that was the biggest nonsense he'd ever heard. He was the dumbest guy in the Man Cave, but even he knew that a grease shortage was impossible, mainly because you couldn't bottle grease - right?
"That's not a thing!"
"It is!" Charlotte argued, and as a Smartie, she was a reliable source, meaning this sudden news was quite a shock for (y/n) and Jasper, who'd been so busy running around after the expectant father, they hadn't tuned in to KLVY.  "Scientists figured out a way to turn restaurant grease into expensive biofuel, so now, someone's stealing the grease from every restaurant in Swellview!"
"Grrrr, scientists are the worst!" Jasper growled as he imagined a roomful of nerds with their tubes and Bunsen burners, turning everyone's lives to misery simply because they wanted to save the environment and do something as stupid as recycle. 
"Instead of the greasy Chinese food Ray likes, all I could get was this!" Henry snapped, reaching to the side and retrieving a polystyrene container. He briskly opened the lid, and (y/n) gasped when she saw the contents, not because she was offended, but because her doofus wouldn't touch it. He might vomit at the sight of those leafy greens, chopped vegetables, and a single crispy crouton. 
"A salad?! Henry, Ray's not going to eat this! It's...healthy!" She hissed at him, flicking a piece of lettuce as the kid nodded. He wasn't dumb; he knew Ray nearly as well as she did, so he was aware that he hated anything that came from the ground - save for potatoes. It was the best he could get after walking into the takeaway and realising the entire menu had been struck off, but even though he tried his best, that wouldn't be good enough for his boss. 
"I know! That's why I'm hiding in the elevator!" He replied, shivering at the thought of facing his boss's wrath, especially after being separated from (y/n) for three minutes. Ray would almost certainly kill him if he went out there, so he resigned himself to living in the elevator for the rest of eternity. Unfortunately, Captain Man was insatiably curious...and greedy for his precious fiancée. 
"Ahhh!" The group shouted when the elevator door suddenly slid open, revealing the pregnant "momster" himself. Henry, Jasper, Charlotte and Schwoz cowered behind (y/n) as Ray saw them, looking bewildered as to why his family were all in there when he was still waiting on his food. His protruding tummy entered the space before he did, and he reached out to squeeze his girl's hand in greeting since he could barely move to kiss her, meaning he could analyse the nervous lot behind her. 
"What are you guys doing in here?" He asked suspiciously, noting the lack of bags upon bags of food like Jasper had hinted. What did they need his sweet girl for again?
"I found Henry!" Jasper laughed nervously, shoving his best friend into the lion's den since it was every man for himself situation when Ray was around. Henry tripped forward, knocking into (y/n), who was also nudged forward by Charlotte because the girl knew if anyone could calm the oncoming storm, it was her. 
"And look, your beautiful fiancée! Who you love! And who loves you! Byeeeeeee!" She shouted once the woman was past the threshold, and after spamming the button a few times, the door slid shut and locked them safely inside again. That left Henry and (y/n) alone with the pregnant man, who eyed them suspiciously when his pretty girl fell into his arms from the harsh shove. 
"You okay, darlin'?" He asked in concern as she angled herself away from his tummy. As much as she hated the sight or thought of the round mass, she didn't want to hurt it or him, so she smiled at him softly and patted his pec to reassure him. Charlotte was right about one thing; she sure was beautiful, and he loved her. 
"Yeah, I'm okay, doofus. I told you I wouldn't be long."
"I missed you anyway," he grinned, leaning forward to peck her lips, and that's when he noticed what was in Henry's clammy hands. "Oh, our Chinese food! Finally!"
"Okay, yeah... I don't want you to get mad, but—" the boy began nervously, wringing his fingers together as Ray took the container and began toddling back to the couch. Upon seeing him straining and struggling to move with his aching back, (y/n) wrapped an arm around his middle and started helping her doofus walk, reverting to her caring role, even though she was just as worried about what was in the box. 
"I know, I know. I've been so terrible lately. I'm sorry—to you too, sweet girl," Ray replied graciously, not seeing the haze of betrayal around him. 
Instead, he gazed at his lover, utterly in awe of her and everything she did for him, even though she never signed up for any of it. She patted his arm and carried on, taking everything in his stride better than he ever could; although he was sure that when it came for them to have children properly, he'd worship the ground she walked on it - she'd do it with much more grace and elegance anyway. 
"It's just this alien pregnancy is making me feel all the feelings...and I know you guys all hate me, but it's not my fault. I'm trying my best and—" The hero went on, growing emotional and blubbery as his hormones got the best of him as he thought about how his family - his beloved family - rallied around him. It truly meant a lot to him, but when he cracked open the container's lid, expecting to see brown, unhealthy food, and saw the salad, his sadness turned to rage. 
"What is this, Henry?! I asked for fried food!" 
"I know, but see, they were out of—" the young sidekick tried to explain, but Ray wasn't having any of it. Even when (y/n) slid her arms around his shoulders and tittered comforting words, saying they could always get something else, he still shouted and threw a tantrum, finally getting the sense he'd been betrayed. 
"Can you not—can you not understand that?! Is that why you took my wife away from me? Because you don't understand anything?!"
"Not your wife yet, but I can understand that someone's been stealing—" Henry sighed tiredly, too emotionally drained from dealing with his dramatic boss, especially when he spun the idea that he'd dragged (y/n) kicking and screaming away from him. She was there now, right? Hanging off his shoulders, kissing his cheek and telling him to calm down. He didn't have to be such a drama queen. 
"I. WANT. REAL. CHINESE. FOOD!" However, Ray had other ideas. After each punched-out word, he threw limp salad leaves into the kid's face, but he didn't react. As much as he wanted to smack him, Henry held his nerve and wiped the Caesar dressing from his cheek, seeing (y/n) mouth "I'm so sorry" behind her lover's back. It wasn't her fault, but she'd be a widow before she even got married at this rate. 
"Raymond! Bad!" She snapped, grabbing the man's wrist before he could throw another green handful, enough to make him moodily cease firing and cast his eyes to the floor. But that brought on another problem when he saw the food all over the place, and even though he was the one who made it, that didn't stop him from telling them off. 
"This place is a mess!"
"You made it a mess! Don't be a doofus all your life, Ray!" (y/n) growled as he tossed the worthless box into the table, sending more salad flying, not that he cared. The hero was near tears at the thought of no food, his Man Cave being a pigsty, and worse still, his sweet girl was mad at him. It was all too much, something Henry could agree with. 
"B'doop!" He mumbled, echoing a text tone since he'd had enough of Pregnant Ray and this shitshow that surrounded him. (y/n) frowned at him and the odd noise he made, and when he pretended to take his phone out of his pocket, her face darkened further as if a storm cloud was forming over her head. 
"Ooh, snap. I just got a text from my pops," he said as he stared at the blank screen, acting as though he had a text, but he was a terrible actor. If he was going to try and fool them, he should've at least tried to sound like he came from the twenty-first century. 
"Yeah, Henry, the nineties called. They want their slang back. No one says, "aw, snap" anymore," she sassed, folding her arms as Ray shuffled to look at him weirdly. He leaned back into her body, seeking warmth and comfort as the teen gave them a nervous smile, looking particularly sketchy as he acted way too casual. 
"I still do. Anyway, peep this—my dad is building...a...roller skating rink in the backyard? And I have to go help him...do that?" He read out the invisible text, which was suspicious of his outdated phrases. Ray ignored his aching joints and hauled himself up from the couch - with a bit of help from his darling girl. 
"So...dude, I'm outtie five-thousand!"
"Outtie five-thousand?" Ray echoed in confusion, having not heard that phrase for twenty years or more, "you always use outdated slang when you're lying to us..."
"Pfff, that's whack! Dude, I'm giving you the straight good-good here, home-skillet," Henry scoffed as he tapped his belt, and honestly, (y/n) wasn't even sure if he was speaking English anymore. A tube fell above his head, encasing him in glass so that they couldn't get to him, and in the rebellious moment, all Ray could do was cling to his fiancée. 
"Wait, wait, Henry! Rub my feet?" He asked in a whiny voice as he stuck his tootsie out towards the boy, who took one look at his swollen ankles and decided he'd instead take a bath with a toaster. That wobbling bottom lip wouldn't work on him; he wasn't sweet or a girl. 
"I can't—gotta bizzounce! Get (y/n) to do it. Up the tube!" And with that, the boy disappeared, flying up and out of the building—as far away from the parents-to-be and the baffling situation before he was burping and bouncing a green, glowing baby. 
"He's such a little shit, sometimes," Miss Danger muttered a few seconds after he disappeared, going to move her doofus back to the couch before he strained his back again. Ray looked miserable, and she felt for him, but now, it was just the two of them, and that's when they were always at their best anyway. 
"Now, you want me to get you some decaf coffee and then, I'll rub your feet?" Once Ray plonked his butt back down, she offered, and his ensuing adoring look made her heart flutter. It wasn't much, but to him, offering to look after him was more than anyone else wanted to do, and Ray knew he couldn't love anyone else if he tried. He was being a bitch, but it didn't bother her, or if it did, she didn't let it show. 
"You'd do that for me, sweet girl?"
"Anything for you and the...thing, Ray. I'll be back in a minute," (y/n) grinned and kissed his forehead before leaving to get him a preggo-safe drink from the auto-snacker. He watched her movements with starry eyes, wondering what he did to deserve such a sweet girl, and when he shed a tear this time, it wasn't because of the pregnancy hormones. 
~A few hours later~
For a few hours, nothing much happened. Ray finally settled down after a bowl of chocolate ice cream drizzled with hot sauce and had a nap after his angel massaged his throbbing feet for half an hour. Peace returned to the Man Cave, and she didn't know even screech when she felt the...thing kicking against her palm. Schwoz joked that the baby recognised its surrogate mother's touch, but she didn't rip his head off - a remarkable feat of resilience. 
Everything was fine. And then, it wasn't. 
"Raymond, it's just an emergency call. It's not the end of the world!" (y/n) sighed as she stormed away from the supercomputer, her lover hot on her heels as Charlotte rolled her eyes. As usual, Ray was being dramatic and childish, having thrown his dummy out after a call came in about a grease robbery or something downtown. 
The robbery wasn't the issue; it was pretty straightforward, a petty crime and something the heroes usually could deal with without a problem. Normally being the critical word. Ray could barely pee without aid, so (y/n) banned him from crime-fighting, arguing that they had enough to think about on a battlefield; a heavily pregnant man would complicate matters. 
It was reasonable and rational, easy for anyone, including Charlotte, to see, but Ray deemed her practicality as prejudice. 
"Then why can't I go out and fight crime?! I'm not broken, y'know!" He asked like a child, stamping his foot and whining in her ear as he limped after her. He'd put his Captain Man suit on, ready to go out and kick ass because he was itching to take down a criminal after five days of nothing but sitting on his ass. But his sweet girl said no. Et tu, Brutus?
"Because of your...condition! I know it's hard to hear, doofus, but you can't go out and fight!" (y/n) replied exasperatedly, gesturing to his vast stomach, which had swelled even more in the last few hours with the alien inside becoming more active too. His tunic couldn't even zip up over the curve, so he had to leave it open and loose since it was tailored to fit his trim and fit torso. He was unprotected; didn't that prove her point?
"So, I have nothing to eat. I'm not allowed to do my job—is there anything I can do?!" The man cried as he took to pacing around the room, bored out of his mind after sitting and stewing for hours. He was a physical man by nature who loved action and adventure, so being cooped up made him even crabbier, if that was possible. 
"Yes. You can sit down and be quiet while I call Henry to take care of these assholes," she instructed him as she opened his abandoned salad and skewered a piece of lettuce with the shitty plastic fork. If she didn't eat it, then it would only go to waste, and that was money down the drain, so as she set up the holo-caller in front of her, she tucked in and watched as he sneered at the sight of the healthy load. 
"Come on, kid. Pick up..." she sighed as the machine took a few moments to get through to the kid, who was undoubtedly making excuses at home so he could get to the porch. Ray continued circling the room, grumbling that his back hurt, he needed to pee, or the...thing was kicking his intestines to a pulp. 
"Oh, hey, Hen!" She smiled casually once the kid finally answered, his little hologram appearing above the device in front of her. Ray scoffed at his appearance, knowing that he would get to fight crime, and he wasn't. 
"Hey, (y/n/n). What's up?" Henry smiled, too, although he was surprised to see her acting so chill when she was living with the world's grumpiest man. 
"A couple of thieves are stealing grease from that restaurant where they fry everything."
"Fry Me A River?" The kid asked, knowing several restaurants like that, but it wasn't the one he was thinking of. Honestly, he needed to get out and let off some steam; it had been a peculiar few days. 
"Nah, Grease On Earth. You've got to go stop them," she told him before eating a veggie cube, knowing that whilst it wasn't the most substantial meal, it was technically better than what she originally ordered. Henry preened at the idea of a solo mission, knowing he rarely got to go on them since Ray still treated him like a thirteen-year-old rookie, and whilst his heart was in the right place, the kid just wanted to be independent as he neared eighteen. 
"Okay—is that Ray's salad?" He nodded as Piper crept out onto the porch, having heard voices when he noticed what she was eating, recognising the cheap plastic box anywhere after he carried it to their home. He was surprised it hadn't been tossed on the floor, but then again, Ray always behaved better for her. 
"Yeah, he didn't want it, so I'm eating it. And y'know what? It's a surprisingly good salad. I'm telling you, come my wedding day, I'm going to look like Megan Fox—" she joked and went to eat another piece when a large, grumpy lump, known as Ray, came barrelling up beside her and prodded her arm roughly. 
"I said I didn't want any salad, sweet girl!" He whined, trying to shove the box out of her hands, so she had no choice but to put it on the table whilst he pined for her attention. He was ready to pop, and the kids on the porch gasped at the size of him, Piper not knowing where to look as she took in his enormous bump. She didn't want to jump to conclusions, but someone had had one too many hamburgers. 
"I know, doofus! That's why I was eating it!" She chastised him, flicking bits of dropped salad back into the container so she'd have something to eat. His pregnancy brain was getting worse, and she knew the go-time was close at hand - the moment she'd been dreading. 
"I don't even know why you're eating it! It's disgusting, and you'll be beautiful on our wedding day either way," he mumbled, scuffing his boot against the tiles as he grew misty-eyed at the thought of their big day. Oh god, it made him want to cry, thinking about her in white, floating down the aisle before he promised to love her forever and a day, but something caught his eye. And heavens above, it was fried.
"Ooh, is that a crouton?" And they say romance is dead. 
"Whoa...Captain Man got double-c thick!" Piper exclaimed as she stared at the man's hologram. Seeing him shove the crouton in his mouth after picking it up from the floor was weird, but seeing him so fat was weirder, given how much (y/n) rambled about his love for the gym. Oh, what she didn't know. 
"Uh, for your information, I'm not double-c thick. I'm capital P-regnant!" Ray told her haughtily, and the girl's eyes practically fell out of her head. Her gaze snapped to (y/n), who had to close her eyes and take a deep breath before carrying on; she'd never gotten used to hearing that disturbing phrase. 
"You're pregnant?! (y/n), what's going on?!"
"He ate an alien egg. It's growing inside of him. We're about to have a...thing as our first child—this is my life now!" The woman replied flatly as she tossed the remaining food around with the fork since the changing conversation had made her lose her appetite. She'd gotten used to the pregnancy just about, but knowing that the living...thing would come out of her fiancé still made her skin crawl. 
Yeah, he's being kind of a gunch about the whole thing," Henry added, much to Ray's offence as he heard him. He should try giving birth when he wasn't supposed to; they'd see who was a gunch. 
"What did you say about me?"
"Hmmm?" But as usual, the boy played it cool, and Ray didn't have the energy or patience to press it further. He slowly chewed the last crumbs of the crouton, glaring at his lucky sidekick as he cradled his bump, and (y/n) sighed at the mess she found herself in. 
"Grease heist. Clocking ticking..."
"Right, on my way!" Henry nodded and clicked his fingers, knowing that criminals tend not to hang around after doing something illegal, and he was about to snap his watch shut when Ray stepped forward, fully intent on defying his sweet girl and going out there to help the kid. He was still indestructible and had his super stretchy maternity pants on, so he would be fine—well, he had the determination, at least. 
"All right, kid. I'll meet you there."
"Raymond, we have discussed this. You're pregnant, you're not going, and that's the end of it," (y/n) barked at him, latching onto his arm in a bid to keep him where it was safe—where he was away from any journalists, but the hero had other ideas. 
"I'm a grown man, and I'll do what I—-arghhhh!" He snapped back, but before he could finish his argument, a stab of pain streaked through his stomach, taking control of his body and forcing him to double over to try and stop it. Immediately, (y/n) lost all of her fights and had her hand on his back, supporting him through whatever was wrong with him, although she had a clue. 
"Oh, big guy, you okay?"
"Doofus, what's wrong?" She and Henry asked, equally concerned as he gritted his teeth and panted, holding his belly with a scrunched-up face. 
"Ahhh! My stomach's killing me! I knew I shouldn't have eaten that stupid salad!" He whimpered, rubbing his bump as Charlotte glanced over from the computer, looking worried. (y/n) didn't have to be a doctor to know what was going on, but she gulped down her terror and remained calm, thinking her panic would only make him worse if she told him that being pregnant was nothing compared to suddenly not being pregnant. 
"You ate one floor crouton, you big doofus!" She told him breezily, hoping her soft and friendly tone would help keep him sweet, but then, Schwoz popped up out of nowhere - like the loitering creature he was - and as always, he brought the good news that didn't undo all of her hard work. 
"It's not the floor crouton," he told her as she stroked Ray's back, and the genius laid his ear against her lover's belly to hear whatever lurked inside. 
"You're in labour! You're about to give alien birth!" He gasped, but Ray didn't care what he said as he was hit with another contraction, this one stronger than the last, as the labour quickly ramped up. She'd known what was coming all along, but all the same, (y/n) felt her head woozy at the news, and she wobbled for a second or two before her super-regeneration kicked in. 
She never fainted. Her brain always recovered from the drop in blood pressure before the blackout hit, so even though the news made her want to die, she had to live through the moment and support her fiancé because that's what he'd do if it were her. 
"Well, isn't that just spit-on-your-neck, kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic?" She grinned sourly and huffed a bitter laugh, knowing that she was about to become sort of wicked stepmother or something. Ray whimpered and turned to rest his forehead on her shoulder, feeling like he was about to drop a bowling ball—something he couldn't do. Seriously, how did women do this?
"This is amazing..." Piper smirked as she took out her phone and hit record, wanting to save the mind-boggling moment forever. She'd never share it, but if she ever needed a good laugh, she could always look back on the video, especially when Ray looked up from his girl's sweet-smelling hair and saw his shame being caught on camera. 
"Don't look at me!" He snapped before hiding his face in (y/n)'s neck again, which left Schwoz to delegate since he knew what was about to happen. It was all his fault, and the woman made a mental note to kill him once this was all over. 
"Charlotte, go get some towels. Jasper, put on some Cardi B. (y/n), keep supporting Ray. We're having an alien baby!" He chuckled, earning a slap on the head from the woman since she didn't find any of this exciting or interesting, not even as a learning opportunity. She wanted to hide under her bedsheets until it was all over and then curl up and cry into her doofus' shoulder when he was okay again. But no, that wasn't possible, and neither was the possibility of her going out to help Henry take down those thieves. 
"Look, Hen, I'm sorry, but you'll have to handle those thieves yourself. I've got to help the daddy-to-be."
"No problem. I got a great entrance line, and I'm going to walk right up to them and say, you probably think you're so..."
"Argggh!" Henry sighed when Ray screeched in pain again, interrupting what would've impressed him had he not been incapacitated. Still, at least he wasn't (y/n), who had the impossible task of controlling her man-child as he breathed through the pain before lunging forward to grab Schwoz by the collar. 
"You did this to me!" He shouted at the poor man, who cringed at his bad breath after eating the garlicky crouton. However, Ray had a point, and Schwoz cowered under his and his fiancée's glares as they pinned the blame on him, knowing that if he hadn't left those poxy "lychees" lying around, then none of this would've happened. What would he do if this chink broke the couple up? Huh? Henry would have his head. 
"Okay, I'll say it when I get there..." The kid sighed, and with that, the holocall ended, leaving his family to deal with Ray and whatever was about to come out of him. 
"I have a birthing chair set up over there!" Schwoz told (y/n) as Charlotte hurried into the room with about fifteen towels of various shapes, colours and sizes since she didn't know what type a birth needed. Save for a few biology lessons. She knew very little about what was about to happen, so she looked to (y/n), who was deathly pale, slightly sweaty but still holding it together, even if she cringed at the "birthing chair".
"Right, fine. Char, come help me with the patient," she grunted as the genius scampered away to go and prepare for the long road ahead, meaning she had to take his entire weight on her own, which wasn't easy when he was shouting every curse word under the sun. The girl did as she was told and ran to throw Ray's other arm over her shoulders so that they could get him and his temper across the room. 
Her humour was intact; that was a good thing, and Charlotte smiled slightly at her sarcasm until Ray opened his big mouth. 
"Come on! I want this thing out of me! I want my body back!" Ray snarled, even glaring at his precious girl as they dragged him across the room when all he wanted to do was curl up on the floor and die. He missed normality and doing the things he loved, like having his sweet girl practically laying on him when they slept, drinking proper coffee, moving without hurting, peeing less than a million times a day, needing someone to put his socks on, and, most importantly, having a happy, uncomplicated life with his fiancée. 
He wanted to wake up and do grown-up things with her without worrying about lumps and bumps getting in the way. He wanted to walk - not waddle - in a room and see her light up at the sight of him, not light up and dim when her eyes drifted to his...condition. He wanted to take off his shirt and feel attractive again because it freaked her out right now—he knew it did. He wanted to wait a few years until they were settled for a family, as they'd discussed at midnight. He just wanted to forget this ever happened. 
"This is not okay! Do you hear me?!"
"Yes, we hear you, Ray. Stop yelling!" 
"Yeah, doofus. Everything's going to be okay," the girls tried to comfort him, but what should've taken two seconds felt like ten years as they guided him to the chair, which seemed like a mile away when he dragged his heels and kept barking orders at them. 
"None of this is okay! I want to hit someone!"
"Hit Schwoz! He got us into this mess," (y/n) said, not caring whether he did it since she wholeheartedly believed the genius deserved it. Him and his stupid, nonexistent labels on jars. 
"Fine, I'll hit Schwoz!" Ray growled, listening to her through the pain since she made him feel safe, so he uncurled his arm from Charlotte's shoulder, much to the girl's relief, and clumsily aimed at the small man as they neared the birthing chair. Luckily for Schwoz, Ray was dizzy and blinded by the contractions, so he had plenty of time to duck before the mighty fist hit him, sending the hero into a spin that ultimately landed him in the chair. 
"Well, that was easy," (y/n) noted, and she felt better knowing he was in the right place. Wanting his comfort and health above everything, she turned to get her doofus some ice chips from the auto-snacker since that's what they always did on medical TV shows when the expectant mother got thirsty, but the moment she turned her back on him. Ray cried out for her return. 
"Please, (y/n), don't leave me! I can't do this alone," He begged, his hand flying out to grab her elbow as he assumed she was going to leave him to get on with it. He understood; he didn't want her to see him like this either, but the thought of going through alien birth of all things without her made his heart bleed. If he'd ever needed her, the time was now, and he sniffed at her wide eyes, thinking he had disgusted her. 
'Don't worry, darlin'. I disgust me too.'
"I'm not going anywhere, Ray. We're in this together," she assured him, rushing back to his side to clutch his hand. He could squeeze hers as hard as he wanted - and he did when another contraction wracked his body - because she wanted him to know that whilst this was probably the weirdest thing they'd ever do, he wasn't alone. He'd never be alone for as long as she lived. 
"I—I love—-ah, ah—can't you guys give me anything for the pain?!" He whimpered as he writhed in agony, wanting to get those three little words out for the woman who refused to give up on him, but it was just too much. 
"Doofus, don't you remember? Your densitised skin has bent every needle in the Man Cave every time we've tried," (y/n) soothed him, stroking his forehead as she recalled all the occasions Schwoz wanted to take blood for tests or administer vaccines and vitamins for the birth. None of them was sharp or strong enough to puncture his body, leading to a lot of flexible needles left in her first aid kit and a very whiny doofus. 
"Hey! I got the gummy-worm cheeseburger you wanted," Jasper announced as he arrived in the room with some good news. He'd been in the kitchen for god knows how long creating one of Ray's food-craving abominations, and Ray wanted the mishmash of flavours more than anything right now. Just something to take his mind off what was happening to him. 
"Oh, thank you, my sweet boy," the hero sighed, reaching for the bizarre burger as (y/n) bit back a smug smile. She didn't care that that was his name for her, mainly because he used it on Jasper. Not Henry or even Schwoz, but Jasper - the child he swore he hated. Curly was pretty sweet, and with a proud, touched face, he went to hand his boss the sandwich, only for Schwoz to slap it out of his hand. 
"No, you can't eat that!" The bitch. 
"Noooooooo! Whyyyyyyy?!" Ray cried as his sweet and salty snack splattered across the floor, meaning he couldn't eat it, not when his darling girl banned him from any more floor food. Was he not allowed one small comfort? They groaned and grumbled when he wanted to make out with his sweet girl, so he opted for a different taste sensation. Was that not enough?
"Because, normally, this alien baby would burst out of your stomach, but since your indestructible...there's only two ways for it to exit out your body," Schwoz explained, causing everyone to grimace as they pictured two exit holes on Ray's body. One north, one south, and the latter didn't bear thinking about. 
"I'm guessing it will come out of your mouth."
"Thank god for that," (y/n) muttered. She didn't like either option, but she was confident Ray wouldn't show his face to anyone for a year if an alien came out of his...so she steeled herself for what was about to come, namely a mutant creature crawling up his oesophagus. 
"But what if it doesn't come out of his mouth?" Jasper asked, appearing as the moron of the moment as he didn't read between the lines like everyone else, which made Schwoz pause for a moment. There was no delicate way to put it, and there were ladies in the room. 
"Well..."
"I'm out of here!" Charlotte declared, making a beeline for the elevator. She could do many things, but watching an alien baby drop from her boss's ass was not one of them. However, in a surprising twist, (y/n) called out for her, wanting her at his and Ray's side during this difficult time. She needed support and couldn't find it from any of the guys.
"No, no, Charlotte, please. Please don't leave me! You're the only normal one here!"
"Yeah. That's why I'm leaving," the girl replied as her friend gazed at her desperately, knowing she'd go insane if she couldn't talk to someone about what she was going through. Ray was incapacitated. Schwoz was to blame. Jasper tried his best, but he was like a goldfish. Charlotte was the only option without Henry or Piper - girl code?
"No, no, no! If I have to watch my doofus give birth, then I want someone to hold my hand too! So, what do you want?" (y/n) said bravely, swallowing her pride as she prepared to buy the girl's support, even if it meant flexing her doofus' wallet and patience a little bit. She rarely did it, so he didn't mind, and the girl was all ears. 
"Hmm? Name your price. Ray and I will...we'll give you a raise! The Man-Copter! You can have whatever you want, no questions asked, and no whining from him!"
"I'll take a raise," Charlotte shrugged, liking the idea of a few more dollars per hour than a helicopter she couldn't fly. Whilst she loved watching the man who made her job difficult squirm, she wasn't cruel, so against her better judgement, she'd stay for the mother-to-be. Or whatever (y/n) was about to become. 
"Done!" And with that, she walked over to the woman's side, squeezing her shoulder on the way past as she asked Schwoz what she could do to help. Meanwhile, Jasper eyed the expectant couple curiously, seeing how easy it was for his friend to get more money when he was on a mere pittance. 
"I'm outta here too!" He said suspiciously as he inched toward the elevator, hoping they would whine and beg for him to come back. Bribery was shameful, but he was shameless, but when Ray spun in the birthing chair, he saw who it was and made a quick decision. 
"See ya!" Ray said quickly before refocusing on his sweet girl and the rapidly approaching arrival. Jasper's face fell when they chattered about anything but him leaving, and he realised he didn't want to go properly. The appearance of their first child was supposed to be the happiest moment of their lives, something he wouldn't miss for the world, even if he weren't very subtle. 
"Okay, fine. I'll stay."
"Schwoz, you got to get this thing out of me. We've got to go help Henry! He could be in trouble," Ray grunted as his tummy began feeling funny. It was like the...thing was wriggling up through his intestines, going the opposite way it should've done - at least how he expected - and he was sure he would be split in two. He'd never felt pain like it and squeezed his fiancée's fingers so hard; he swore he heard a crunch. Bless her, though; she didn't make a fuss, guided his breathing and tried to rest his worrying mind. 
"Don't worry, sweetheart. He's a smart kid, and he knows what he's doing. Let's focus on you, yeah?"
"Listen to your lady fiancée," Schwoz nodded at (y/n)'s words, who frowned at his bizarre bedside manner, but more so when she glanced his way and saw the terrifying grabber forceps things he was holding. They were huge, primed to pounce and pull the alien baby out, but they also looked like torture devices—her poor doofus. 
"Now, open your mouth and say, ahhhhh!"
"Ahhhhh!" Ray screamed when he saw the torture device, feeling his stomach drop at the thought of it being shoved or stuck in him somewhere. Or perhaps that was his baby moving around. All he knew was he had his sweet girl by his side, and she wasn't going anywhere - thank god for that. Things were about to get weird. 
~
"You're doing well, doofus. Don't give up now—breathe easy...or as well as you can," (y/n) dithered as she cheered her lover on from the sidelines, but she had to admit; this was the weirdest shit she'd ever seen. Her heart lurched at the sight of Ray's bump as it swelled impossibly bigger, but that wasn't the issue. 
She'd seen documentaries and dramas on TV. She knew childbirth wasn't the prettiest or cleanest thing in the world. But dear god, if anyone told her she'd have to watch her future husband give birth through his mouth, she wouldn't punch them. It was terrifying - and now she knew why fathers fainted in the waiting room. 
Watching the bump move and pulsate was weird, but watching as the creature inside began its journey north damn near killed her. Like something from a horror movie, it crawled from Ray's lower intestine to his upper stomach and further. When they thought it would stop, it didn't - as per Schwoz's prediction, and (y/n) nearly threw up as her doofus' throat bulged and wriggled as the thing struggled to get out. 
"I see one of the baby's arms!" Schowz gasped as he peered down the man's frog-like throat, having laid Ray on his back to make it easier. Jasper and Charlotte stood by his feet, the girl supportively holding (y/n)'s hand as she paled at the genius' words. 
"What do you mean one of?" She asked worriedly as her lover moaned and groaned from the pain in his neck, but hey, at least his perfect abs were back. Maybe it was naïve, but she'd always imagined the alien baby as like a little Martian or something - something vaguely human-shaped but with green skin or red eyes, which would possibly be easier to accept. However, Schwoz made it sound weird because normal babies only have two - why didn't it sound like that?
"Only eleven more to go!" Of course, it had eleven. Why not? It could also have three heads and seventeen legs to make her have a coronary and an aneurysm. 
"Just get this fucking...thing out of him before I kill you, Schwoz!" (y/n) snapped, her patience wearing thin now she had a horrifying picture in her head, and a pathetic moan from her doofus made it worse. He was in pain, and it was all Schwoz's fault; the least he could do was deliver the alien so she could...step on it. She could live with a green baby, but not one with eleven arms - they'd never find a school to take it. 
"Yeah, I want to see an alien baby!" Jasper exclaimed, too, although he was trembling for a very different reason. That wasn't his soulmate on the slab, so he wasn't worried—more like shaking with trepidation at the thought of seeing a real-life creature from another planet. 
"It's stuck! I can't get it out!" The small man grunted as he shoved his fingers down Ray's gullet to try and prise the alien from his lower throat - as seen by the ever-growing bulge there - but it shrank away from his fingers. It knew that something was after it and wanted to stay in Ray like a cuckoo in the nest, which was incredibly distressing for (y/n) to watch. 
"Pull harder!" Charlotte told him, rubbing the woman's back as she was forced to take a step back, so the doctor had enough room to operate. Her hands were clamped over her mouth and nose in a prayer-like lattice as if she was trying to smother her sobs and plead for mercy from whichever demon cursed them like this. 
"Come over and help me!" Schwoz ordered them, fed up with all the shouting and curse words directed at him, and no sooner than he said it, they...stayed where they were. 
(y/n) swore she'd have nothing to do with the disturbing process, merely that she'd hold Ray's hand and nothing more, and even though she wanted it out more than anyone, save for the hero himself, she refused to put her hands anywhere near those tentacles. His head was spinning from the lack of oxygen, and he knew he'd need a twelve-hour nap after this. 
"Not a chance. I'm not going near that thing."
"Fine. I have another idea," the handyman sighed and pulled up his gloves as Ray gagged and he switched to plan B. This was going to get messy. "Hold onto your leechees..."
"It's pronounced lychees—" Jasper advised him, much like Henry and (y/n) did days earlier when the whole mess started, but Schwoz wasn't listening. 
In a sudden yet brilliant move, he leaned over and sat the chair up at a blinding speed. The rapid change in velocity meant Ray's body lurched forward, sending the creature in his throat hurtling out into a bright, strange, new world in the blink of an eye, leaving him as indestructible as ever, (y/n) overwhelmed at the relief that instantly flooded her body and Jasper...with the alien on his face. 
He said he wanted to see a real-life alien, and he couldn't get a closer look than that. 
"Aw, it's so cute," Schwoz cooed as Jasper, and the girls screamed, obviously seeing something different to them since the...thing on his face was terrifying. Eleven pink tentacles writhed across the boy's face as the jade-coloured body clamped to his nose, a million red eyes taking in the room it was born in. It was small and covered in a thick mucus that made it hard for Jasper to grab, so it stayed stuck to him, even as he clawed to get it off before its sharp, wide mouth ate him. 
"Cute?! Are we looking at the same alien?! That...thing is—it's a monster!" (y/n) choked on her saliva as she wrapped an arm around her doofus, eyes glued to the creature that had spewed from her lover, who looked around dopily as his head cleared for the first time in days. 
"And I am o-kay!" He groaned and got to his feet as his indestructibility made the pain fade within seconds, and he'd never felt so light on his feet when he slid out of the birthing chair. His beautiful stomach was flat again, his back didn't hurt, his ankles weren't swollen, and better still, he wasn't feeling crabby. However, the best thing had to be the teary girl helping him up, looking so perfect with her tear-stained cheeks and tousled hair. 
As he slid into her embrace and her hand rested on his cheek, marvelling at how handsome he was, the tubes beeped and dropped, signalling Henry's return. The mission had gone well, thanks to Piper, and despite a few bumps in the road, the grease heist had been thwarted, meaning they could celebrate the new, hideous arrival with some sorely needed food. 
"Hey, I got Chinese food!" The kid announced once he landed, looking across the room and seeing several things that baffled him. 
First, he saw that Ray was no longer pregnant since his tunic was still unzipped and showing his deliciously toned body, which was a massive relief. Second, he noted how (y/n) was smiling brighter than she had done in days, her arms curled around her fiancé's waist as they turned and walked towards him with their love stronger than ever. Nothing unusual there, and he didn't even mind when Ray pulled her into a mad, passionate, tongue-filled kiss and gently squeezed her butt. 
They deserved it after so much suffering, but seeing a weird, green, snarling blob on his best friend's face shocked him, and that was hard to do after so many years in the Man Cave. What was that...thing?
"Oh, yes, I'm starving!"
"Me too, doofus. I want some of those noodles," the couple grinned and headed for the couch, still wrapped up in each other as Charlotte and Schwoz joined them, and the kid placed the bag on the table. 
The alien was old news now the food had arrived, and Ray had so much to catch up on anyway. He was going to do the noodle-kiss thing with his sweet girl, he was going to drag her to the showers after, and he was going to let her use his body as a mattress when they went to bed - highly needed after lacking his soulmate for so many days. 
"Whoa, what's on Jasper's face?" Henry asked with a deep frown on his features as his friend shrieked and scrambled for safety, but the green blob wouldn't let go. Ray didn't seem particularly bothered as he hovered over his sweet girl and ripped open the takeaway bag, hoping he could serve her a plateful as any protector and provider should, especially when she'd pandered to his every whim in the last week. 
"That is our son," he replied, patting (y/n)'s shoulder as she shuddered at the idea of mothering a squealing, rabid creature that liked to eat people's faces.
"Aw, congrats."
"Don't rub it in, Hen," she rolled her eyes as Ray handed her a carton of chop suey, and the boy giggled at her mortified expression. Neither she nor Ray looked particularly bothered about the alien, so he guessed that Schwoz would adopt it as one of his many insane pets. Speaking of the mad scientist, he studied the alien as it terrorised the boy in front of them and came to a startling conclusion. 
"I think it's a girl..." he corrected, although no one was quite sure how he could tell. 
"That is our daughter," Ray quickly corrected, which was much worse—nothing at all like the little girl he'd imagined in his dreams. It didn't have her (y/c/e) for a start. 
Henry choked back a laugh as (y/n) glowered at the creature, looking like she wanted to put it in the toilet and flush, and he couldn't help himself. Seeing the couple most suited to being parents in the world shuddering at the idea was just so funny. 
"Aw, congrats."
"We are never speaking of this again," the woman told him sternly, pointing a sharp chopstick under his nose as Ray squeezed her shoulder and gave her a soft smile. Some things are better left untouched and unsaid.
Henry didn't press the matter; instead, he laughed into his stir-fry and began narrating some epic tale about how he took down two grease thieves single-handedly...with a bit of help from his baby sister. Everyone listened eagerly, ignoring the alien on Jasper's face since it wasn't meant to be. 
One day, mini Manchesters would run riot everywhere because Ray wanted an army of kids and (y/n) wanted that too. They'd have a cute house, a cute dog, and a table big enough to seat fifty since they'd have the big family they'd always wanted - a peaceful life in a quiet spot where their real and adopted children would always have a place to stay, no matter where they drifted in life. They'd make sure they had a home and a hot meal to return to. 
Yeah, Ray and (y/n) would make great parents. After all, they'd already had five years of experience.
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sabakos · 1 year ago
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Every once in a while, a bright but not very wise young tenure-track physics professor sits down and decides they need to write a Quantum mechanics textbook, because the most popular undergraduate book on the subject is a steaming pile of garbage, and everyone knows it. They fail to take into account that the reason this is the case is not because no one has ever written a better one.
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postgamecontent · 2 months ago
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Nintendo Switch Weekly Round-Up for the Week Ending October 5th, 2024
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Hello gentle readers, and welcome to the Nintendo Switch Weekly Round-Up for the week ending October 5th, 2024. A little quieter this week than the last couple, at least in terms of things worth paying attention to. Plenty of garbage, but I don't feel like giving any of that oxygen. Still, any week with a new Q-Games release is one worth writing about. Let's check out this week in the world of Switch!
Select New Releases
Sword Art Online Fractured Dream ($59.99)
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This is an action game that is mainly designed for online play, where up to twenty players are supported. It features a whole bunch of Sword Art Online characters, and the buzz from people who played the game via Steam Early Access is solid. Provided this Switch port has been handled well and the community is there for it, this could be a fun diversion. Those are some big provisos, though.
All You Need is Help ($19.99)
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Okay, so first up and very importantly: this game is four players only. You can play local multiplayer, or you can play online multiplayer. But if you don't have four, you don't play. No single-player. None. Anyway, each player controls a different fluffy puzzle piece, and you have to work together to solve each stage. It's from Q-Games, so you can count on a certain degree of quality here. If you have the people to play it with, I'm sure you'll have a good time.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The Patrick Star Game ($39.99)
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Another effort from Outright Games, specifically the team behind the rather good Justice League: Cosmic Chaos. This appears to be a Patrick Star-flavored take on Human: Fall Flat, and if that's the case then I suspect SpongeBob fans are going to have a really good time with it. You've got an open world to play around in, and plenty of activities to do in it. What's the main goal? I have no idea. We'll have to see how this one plays out.
I*CHU: Chibi Edition ($29.99)
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If you want to play this particular free-to-play mobile game at a premium price with the money squeeze removed, here you go. It's a rhythm game with some story bits in between the action, focused around an academy for idols in training. Unfortunately, with the gatcha-dependent progression and rather spotty localization, this isn't an overly pleasant experience. You get all of the grind, you just can't buy your way through it. I imagine this might appeal to fans of the mobile game anyway.
Picross Records of The Shield Hero ($10.99)
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Another Picross game, this time themed around the manga/anime Rise of the Shield Hero. An episode mode has been implemented here to tell some of the story as you solve puzzles. You get a bit over two hundred puzzles in total, all related to Shield Hero in some form or another. More Picross for those who need it, or those who are piling up Picross games for a rainy day.
Skautfold: Into the Fray ($14.99)
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Here's a third game in the Skautfold series ported to the Nintendo Switch. This one is a top-down action game with plenty of gore and lot of ways to dispatch your foes. While it's not exactly the same kind of game as the previous ones (or the ones that will follow it should the whole series get ported), I'm sure if you enjoyed those you won't have a bad time of it here.
Zero the Kamikaze Squirrel ($5.99)
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So, first up: despite that screenshot, Zero's sprite hasn't been edited in the actual game. He is still sporting the rising sun headband, and the symbol is all over the place. I'll leave it to you as to how you feel about that. As for the game, this is the Aero the Acro-Bat spin-off featuring Aero's rival Zero, and it's a very challenging game thanks to its reliance on the player mastering Zero's rather unusual move set. It's in that nicer emulation wrapper that Aero 2 released in, so that's good. For those wondering, this is also the Super NES version of the game. I'll review it soon.
Kill Knight ($14.99)
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If you're hunting for your next great isometric twin-stick shooter fix, Kill Knight is a good choice. It's a tough game and it has a lot of interlocking systems that you'll have to learn before you'll make any progress, but if you stick with it I think you'll find that this is a rather rewarding game.
Circus of TimTim ($9.99)
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Another horror game that relies on people being creeped out by mascots, this time with an added circus twist for that clown phobia spice. Explore a ruined carnival and watch out for things who won't be kind to unwelcome visitors. Use a metal detector to find items, but be careful as its beeping will attract attention. Not my kind of thing. Maybe yours.
Planetiles ($12.99)
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Another one of those games where you place tiles strategically in a landscape to try to produce the best results, this time planet-themed. I've been into this kind of thing since around a year ago, and this is another solid one. I wouldn't recommend it over Dorfromantik or anything, but if you're looking for another game that offers a similar experience then you might want to check this out.
Macho Shot ($5.00)
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This new SAT-BOX release is essentially another spin on the ol' Suika Game concept, but with macho dudes instead of fruit. Merge your machos into bigger machos, but be careful not to overflow the field. Nothing new under the Sun, but the choice of theme was so odd I had to include it here.
Dawngrown ($5.99)
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Is this top-down 2D PowerWash? Not really, but it is a game about cleaning up a messed-up world. It's cute, it takes about an hour and change to run through, and while the whole thing feels like it could have used a little more everything, it's an amusing enough ride while it lasts.
Arcade Archives Moon Shuttle ($7.99)
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Nichibutsu scored its first big hit in 1980 with Moon Cresta, and for a good while after that it was all about the Moon. Here's 1981's Moon Shuttle, a very simple side-view shooter. I can't call it side-scrolling, because it doesn't. You alternate between two types of stages. The first sees you trying to shoot a path through a field of debris as your shuttle approaches. The second has you fending of waves of enemy attackers while dodging their attacks. Nothing special, but for its era it does its job. Not available in the North American eShops, for some reason.
EGGCONSOLE Silver Ghost PC-8801mkIISR ($6.49)
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Yes, I'm still imagining the world where D4 Enterprise puts the extra resources into localizing all of these amazing Japanese computer classics it's tossing out onto the global eShop. Silver Ghost is a beloved strategy RPG for many Japanese gaming enthusiasts, and has been cited by one of the Shining series creators as a source of inspiration for those games. It would be really nice if fans outside of Japan could more easily enjoy this, but you're again dealing with a lot of Japanese text if you choose to tackle it.
Damikira ($7.99)
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Sure, this is a pretty standard-looking run and gun platforming game, but it has a grappling hook! A grappling hook! The rules say that grappling hooks and/or web-shooters add an extra point to a game's score. That's a rule. That probably brings this up to a good three-and-a-half out of five.
Rolling Football Player ($3.20)
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This is a goofy little thing. You have to roll your football player through five stages, trying to land him in a cup. It's a very short game, but it's more of a weird physics toy than anything else. For the price, that's probably fine.
That's all for this week, friends. We'll be back next Saturday with another Round-Up as we continue into October and the many games that will come with it. As ever, I will plug both my Patreon (where you can find lots of cool exclusive articles) and my Ko-Fi (tips help me run this blog). There, plugged. I hope you have a super Saturday, and as always, thanks for reading!
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humandisastersquad · 1 year ago
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i cannot believe there are people out there who unironically think bbc merlin was a good show. i thought we were all in agreement that it's a Bad show with Terrible writing, but interesting enough characters and concepts that have chained us forever more to this steaming pile of garbage thanks to the sheer amount of wasted potential it generated and continues to Haunt us with over a decade later
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watatsumiis · 2 years ago
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I'm in my hurt/comfort era, so can I request Arlecchino comforting her lover after some Snezhnayan dignitaries made them feel insecure?
You certainly can! This was so fun to write and you've really just solidified my Arlecchino brainrot, so, thanks!
Content: Gender neutral reader (referred to as 'you'), pre-established romantic relationship, some mentions of the reader being talked down to/mocked and feeling like garbage because of it. Romantic affection and pet names from Arlecchino (sweetheart, love, pet) - you call her 'Arlie'. Arlecchino threatens violence against the dignitaries <3
Word count: ~950
You slam open the door to Arlecchino's study with a huff. She's not in here, of course. She never is at this time of day - perhaps that's for the better, you don't particularly want her seeing you in such a sorry state.
It was foolish to think you'd been gaining actual respect around here - everyone seemed to just see you as an extension of the tenth harbinger - the moment you're without her, you're essentially snubbed by the dignitaries that roam the palace.
Today seemed to be the exception, however. You tried to speak your mind during a strategy meeting, only for two particularly catty higher-ups to turn their noses up and all but mock you in front of everyone. It was completely and utterly humiliating.
You know that if Arlecchino had been there, she would've given them a dressing-down that they wouldn't soon forget, but she hadn't - you can't seem to stop thinking about the way your voice died in your throat as you opened your mouth up to defend yourself. You can't help but feel ashamed at how you couldn't even manage to stick up for yourself.
You cross your arms over your chest and kick the door closed behind you, walking over to Arlecchino's desk - she seems to be in the middle of some assignment - or maybe three, judging by the way the papers are sorted into what could possibly be different piles.
Plonking down in her high-backed chair, you start to feel a little better. Sitting at her desk always makes you feel big and powerful - you suspect it was designed that way on purpose.
You sniff and lean back with a long, low sigh, just as the door opens.
You're a little relieved to realise that it's Arlecchino and not one of her subordinates - you don't think you have it in you to put on the whole formal charade after the humiliation you just received in that meeting.
She's wrapped up in a long black cloak, and holding a steaming mug in one hand. "Good afternoon, pet." Her lips curl into the shadow of a smile as she spots you. "Making yourself at home, I see?" Her shoes clack on the tile as she approaches you.
You give her an affirmative hum and a dip of your chin, hoping to conceal how upset you are. She has enough on her plate.
Unfortunately, your thin masquerade doesn't seem to cut it. You see her brow furrow ever so slightly as she sets her mug down on the desk and twitches her fingers in a silent gesture for you to stand up.
"What's wrong?" Arlecchino asks you as she sits down.
"Nothing." You murmur, about to step away before you feel her arms wrap around your waist, pulling you into her lap.
"I'm not stupid, sweetheart." Her tone borders on amusement at the fact you are trying to deceive her. She's always been able to read you like a book.
You feel her warm breath puff against your neck as she noses into you, practically purring in your ear as she coils her arms tighter around you.
It's hard not to give in when she has you like this, trapped in her embrace as she preens and fusses over you. You let out a defeated sigh.
Arlecchino remains respectfully quiet as you recite what happened in the meeting, feeling your cheeks flush in embarrassment. "I... It wasn't that bad, really. I'm just overreacting." You finish, scrunching your face up.
You hear her scoff and worry that it's directed at you, but your fears are quickly dissuaded as she pulls you flush against her chest. "Those bastards." She growls out. "I'll flay them alive. Just say the word."
Her unquestioning loyalty and protectiveness towards you makes warmth bloom in your chest, and you can't help but smile a little, as much as you try to quash it down. "Arlie, no." You reach up to push a snowy white lock of hair off of her face. She seems to be pouting a little - it's accentuated by the pinkish-red lipstick she's chosen to wear today. "I... I need to be able to fight my own battles." You insist, though the mere idea of facing up to those stuck up snobs makes you feel small and insignificant all over again.
Arlecchino lets out a hmph, shortly followed by her pressing her face into the side of your head. "Still." She grumbles. "Let me show you how it's done, at least." You can still feel her gloved hands on you, pulling you closer as if you aren't already smushed up against one another. You shake your head silently - her protectiveness over you has always been one of the things that endeared you.
"You're better than them." She assures you - you can't help but smile - this is high praise, coming from her. You've seen firsthand how much time it's taken her to be so open with her compliments. "Those fools are less than the dirt beneath my heel." You hear her stomp one foot on the ground to exaggerate her point, and feel her lips brush against your neck lightly. "Just say the word, my love, I'll show them just how big of a mistake it was for them to even dare to gaze upon you." Her voice has dipped into a lower octave, more of a growl than anything.
You grin as you tilt your head towards hers. She's always had a way of making you feel so completely and utterly loved and cherished, and you're quickly finding that the memory of the disapproving glares of the dignitaries are fading out, replaced by your lover's adoring gaze.
You shift your angle in her lap and catch her lips on your own - her surprised hum is quickly drowned out as she wholeheartedly leans into it.
Please don't repost, steal, copy or otherwise plagarise my writing! This includes posting translations to other sites.
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