#(which ya know. wouldn’t happen if I took my meds but fuck it.)

[yellobb]

I am at my fucking limit

[kassandras-one-braincell]

Abby Anderson x AFAB!Reader - Pain, Pain, Go Away

Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt: Cramping

Can be found on AO3 here.

Inspired by my endometriosis (euthanasia would be appreciated 👌). Reader is GN but AFAB.

Word count: 1273

Kill me.

Shark week was always a struggle during the apocalypse. Women would practically murder each other for a box of tampons, mentally you’d be too lethargic to patrol, the injured soldiers stumbling to and from med bay doing nothing to lighten your mood. And you knew there was no chance medical would spare you some painkillers for the persistent stabbing sensation in your pelvis.

Thus you lay in bed, miserably clutching your abdomen, distracted eyes drifting over the day’s workload: inventory reports from the teenaged recruits. Isaac tasked you with verifying they were consistent and thorough, knowing – likely from Abby or Nora – that you suffered more than the average woman, and your affliction would only put you in further danger outside the base. But the monotonous task was only adding to your foul mood.

Mindlessly, you shuffled through the reports, verifying the numbers were congruous with one another. One recruit only bothered to fill in half of his sheet, scrawling ‘this is fucking pointless’ on the bottom line. You wholeheartedly agreed, making a note of his name, a reminder to warn him about disobeying Isaac, the finicky bastard.

Groaning as a fresh wave of pain seared through you, you glanced up at the clock on your quaint little apartment’s wall. 17:38.

“She’s late,” you muttered, a pang of fear striking your heart. You knew Abby was fine, that she wasn’t called Isaac’s most dependable soldier for nothing, but deep down there was a lingering anxiety that she wouldn’t make it back from each patrol.

Swallowing the worry, you redirected your focus to the reports…

…For about five seconds, before you tossed them to the floor out of boredom.

With a sigh, you curled into a foetal position, praying that some of the pain would be alleviated, for just a second of fucking reprieve.

God, you didn’t know what you craved more: a hug from your girlfriend, or enough ibuprofen to kill a small horse.

Blissfully, your silent plea was answered when the front door creaked open, heavy footsteps in suit.

“You’re late,” you managed to croak out as another bolt of agony struck.

Abby smiled apologetically, braid swishing over her shoulder. “I’m sorry, baby. Had to take a detour on the way back.”

Frowning, you sat up, wincing at the ache in your abdomen. “Any casualties?”

She shook her head. “No, no, just had to pick some shit up.” Doubting her, you began to inspect her for injuries from your position on the bed. Abby flashed you a knowing look. “Seriously, I’m fine.” Seeing no blood or blemishes, only a thin sheen of sweat coating her impressive arms – no doubt from the sweltering heat of summer – you ceased your analysis.

“You’re usually all sweaty and caked in mud,” you noted.

“Showered before my med eval.” She stripped down to her boxers and sports bra, tossing her clothing at the laundry basket, missing by a short distance. “Fuck it,” she muttered, eliciting a laugh from you.

“Good shot, Anderson.”

An impish grin lit up Abby’s face. “Could say the same about the mug you launched halfway across the kitchen yesterday.”

Scoffing, you chucked a pillow at her, which she caught with ease. “Fuck you, you saw the size of that spider.”

“That little baby spider?”

“Baby tar-an-tu-la,” you corrected, immediately regretting throwing the pillow, suddenly a lot less comfortable.

Abby lifted up her backpack and plopped down next to you on the bed, tossing the pillow back at you. “The detour, by the way—” She unzipped the bag. “— was for you.” You opened your mouth to object, to say that she shouldn’t put herself in more danger for your sake, but she stopped you in your tracks. “At least let me show you the goods before you call me reckless,” she chuckled, knowing you all too well.

Sighing, you scooted closer to her, leaning your head against her shoulder and inhaling her beautiful scent of sweat and pine, smiling. This was home.

She reached into her backpack and pulled out a small cardboard box. You gasped in disbelief.

“Tampons?”

Abby laughed. “Unused, yeah.” She passed you the box and you scanned the packaging.

“Holy shit, it hasn’t even been opened,” you whispered. Both of you knew how difficult it was to find a solitary tampon, let alone a whole box. Your eyes widened further when you read the text. “With applicators?”

She pulled out three more boxes, and you just about cried from joy. “Glad I took a detour now?”

“Colour me impressed,” you breathed out.

Abby beamed, your improved mood a relief to her. “You’re gonna love me even more for this,” she winked.

“Impossible.”

“Trust me.”

“Okay, genie.”

“Close your eyes.”

You cocked a brow. Abby snaked her arm around you and covered your eyes with her hand when you didn’t budge. “Really, Abby?” you groaned, but curiosity was certainly settling in. What could she possibly have found to top the tampons?

A rustle sounded from her backpack, followed by the sliding of different textured fabrics against one another. Then a few more rustles. A frustrated grunt.

“Is it stuck?” you snorted, trying to peel her hand off your face.

“You know, if you just closed your damn eyes I wouldn’t have to do this one-handed,” she muttered. Her frame shook with slight exertion and something dropped to the floor – the backpack, presumably, from the clank of the zip against the cement below.

“You good, Abs?”

“Peachy. Now open.”

Her hand retracted and you focused your gaze onto her lap, where a fuzzy green canteen-shaped casing lay flat, a rubber-looking container peaking out of the fabric. A hot water bottle. A fucking hot water bottle.

The moment realisation dawned upon you, you threw your arms around your girlfriend, who eagerly returned the embrace with a kiss to your temple. “I love you so fucking much,” you whispered into her shoulder. Abby’s grin was tangible.

“I tested it during my med eval, no cracks or anything. Must be PVC or something.” She patted your back twice to signal she was getting up. It warmed your heart to know she was concerned about you potentially getting scalded by hot water. “Let me fill it up for ya, ‘kay?”

“Thank you,” you managed through your perpetual beam, flopping back onto the bed, repositioning the pillow. Amazing; your day had infinitely improved from the very moment Abby set foot through your apartment door.

Some moments passed in comforting silence before the stove-top kettle whistled. Abby filled up the bottle and screwed the cap on tight, testing for leaks, trying to seal the fluffy casing shut with difficulty. “Velcro’s gone,” she frowned.

“I’ll live.” You smiled at her from the bed. “But really, though, sweet as this is, I’d rather you be safe on missions.”

Abby made her way over to you. “And I’d rather you be happy than suffer.” She passed you the hot water bottle. The mattress dipped when she perched her weight on it, whispering, “Scoot.” Hot water bottle now pressed to your abdomen, you shuffled over to give her some space. Abby sweetly kissed your neck and pressed her front to your back, wrapping an arm over your waist, interlacing her fingers with yours and holding the hot water bottle to you.

“You sure, babe?” you asked, looking back over your shoulder at her. “It’s a hot day.”

“Shh, just let me cuddle you,” she murmured softly, giving your waist a gentle squeeze. Boneless against her warmth, pain slowly but surely melting away, you leant back into her and closed your eyes, lulled by her gentle breaths into a hazy slumber.

[myhockeyworld87]

What Happens In Vegas...Doesn’t Always Stay There - Jacob Markstrom - Part 5

Word Count: 6,353

POV: Reader

Warning: Language, Smut, NSFW, Pregnancy stuff

Notes: Sorry I meant to post this last night, but that game left me barely able to function. As such, you are getting this today. This fic takes place during the 2018-2019 season and during that season Jacob’s dad was still with him, so I will be mentioning him in this and the next chapter, along with his cancer. If that bothers you, please skip this and the next chapter. I just felt that it needed to be written into the story. As always feedback is welcome. Happy Reading!

What Happens In Vegas…Doesn’t Always Stay There Masterlist

It took three weeks back in LA to get everything taken care of before the move to Vancouver. Work thankfully wasn't a problem. With more and more movies and television shows being filmed in Canada, the firm liked the idea of having someone closer. Most of your work could be done remotely anyhow and you could just video chat conference calls or anything else you needed. It ended up being a win for everyone.

 By the time you could actually move in, Jacob was on the tail end of a ten-day road trip. He'd insisted on hiring you a moving company, even though you said you could handle it, not that he thought you couldn't; he just felt you didn't need the added stress. Though packing wasn't the stressful part. It was the unpacking and not knowing where to put things with Jacob not being there that was causing your anxiety to rise. You felt like you were invading his home. Most of your furniture you kept in storage, but you still had a few things you wanted to take with you, yet you didn't know where to have the movers place it. Then there were your clothes. Jacob had a gorgeous master bedroom, with a closet to die for, but all his things were in it. You were unsure if you should move them to make room for yours or just take up the closet in the spare room. Which while spacious, was nowhere near as nice as the one in Jacob's room. Everything would've been much easier had he been here.

 In the end, you split everything up, putting half your stuff in his closet and half in the other room. You figured the two of you would be doing a lot of compromising and this would just be one of them. You had his office moved around to accommodate your work desk, since you'd be working a lot from home, and you had to wonder how often he came in here, as the pile of papers on his desk looked like the size of Mount Fuji, volcanic eruption and all. You were tempted to straighten it out for him, but opted not to, not wanting to invade his privacy.

 You were just putting away the last of your stuff when you heard Jacob walk through the door. "Prinsessa, I'm home." He'd taken to calling you his Swedish princess lately and you had to admit you didn't hate it.

 "In the bedroom," you hollered back. It was late in the evening, too late for you to be up, but you wanted to see Jacob and make sure everything you'd done so far was fine with him.

 "I was surprised to see all the lights on when I pulled up. Couldn't you sleep?"

 "I just wanted to finish putting away a few things." He dropped his bag on the floor and came over to you, wrapping you up in his arms and dropping a few kisses to your lips.

 "I missed you these last couple of weeks." It was weird but you'd missed him as well. You had talked every day, sometimes several times, but those few days that you'd spent in Vancouver, had just brought a new closeness to this relationship. If a relationship was what you could call it. He did refer to you as his girlfriend, but the way you two had gotten here was definitely the road less traveled.

 You slid your arms up his chest, savoring the feel of his well-toned muscles there. "Funny...I didn't miss you at all." You had a hard time keeping a straight face.

 "Really?" Jacob asked. There was this twinkle in his eyes, right before his hands slid under your ass and he lifted you on him. You didn't even have a chance to wrap your legs around him, though he held you with ease. "Maybe I need to do a better job at leaving you some reminders for next time." His mouth went to the crook of your neck where he sucked on you and gave you little love bites. You were pretty sure there were going to be marks there.

 "And here this whole time I thought they called you Marky because of your last name," you teased, yet moved your head to the side to give him greater access.

 "Oh, I plan on leaving more than just this one." He carried you over to the bed, where he gingerly lowered you down. You loved how he could be slightly rough with you one minute and then next so gentle.  Admittedly, you'd like to see a little bit of his rough side, but hopefully, that would come with time.

 His hands slid under your shirt, along your sides; the callousness of them rough yet the touch tender, making you shiver. "No bra?" he asked, eyebrows shooting up with delight as he skimmed along the undersides, before cupping each breast.

 "I opted out of it a while ago." Though your body hadn't changed much in these last ten weeks, you did notice your breasts were more sensitive and sometimes you just couldn't stand having them confined longer than necessary. Tonight happened to be one of those times.

 "Well if it's an option, you don't ever have to wear it again." There was a devilish look in his eyes. "I like this ease of access." He was rolling your nipples between his thumb and index finger, eliciting moans out of you so that you had no chance to answer. Scrunching your shirt up, he dipped his head down to lavish attention on those same nipples he had been tweaking. Your body squirmed, as he swirled his tongue around it before sucking on it gently. He wedged his thigh between your legs and you found your body grinding against it while he played with first one nipple and then the other. "Oh prinsessa, I think you did miss me."

 There was no denying that your body missed this. Craved was more like it. You had a feeling there would never be a time that you didn't want him. What was surprising was the sense of loss that came with just simple day-to-day actions, like brushing your teeth together and sharing a meal. Those were the things you'd found yourself longing for these last few weeks.

 Jacob started to travel down your body. Trailing kisses as he went, yet stopping to whisper something in Swedish to the baby. He didn't spend long there, and before you could ask what he said; he was pulling your sweats and panties down. "Du gor mig galen med hur vat du ar." (you drive me crazy with how wet you are) You were going to have to start picking up Swedish or something in your spare time, as he seemed to always revert to his native language in the heat of the moment. There was no time to ask what he said, as he dove right into your pussy. Licking a stripe right up to your clit causing your hips to lift off the bed.

 You sucked in a breath when he repeated the action again, your body on fire like never before. When he flicked his tongue over your clit, you were gone. The orgasm hitting you hard and fast like never before. "Fuck," you screamed out, as your body trembled and spasmed.

 Jacob worked you through it, somewhat astonished with how little he had done to make you cum so quickly. Once, you finally stopped shaking he picked his head up from between your legs. "Are you alright, prinsessa?"

 "Yes," you sighed in a state of bliss, not knowing if it was the pregnancy or the fact that you hadn't seen Jacob in three weeks that made you climax like that.

 You lay there panting, still catching your breath. "Shall we do that again?" The smirk on Jacob's face had you laughing, but after a long day of unpacking, you knew your body wouldn't last long.

 "Do that and I may be done for the rest of the night." You were only half teasing but he chuckled and made his way back up your body, taking the hint.

 "Rather have this," Jacob flexed his hips into you and moaned out into the room again. He was out of his boxers in no time. Cupping his cock in his hand, then guiding it into you. "God, prinsessa, you always feel like heaven."

 "Mmm," was all you could answer back as he was buried deep in you, for he felt like heaven as well. When he finally started to move it felt like every nerve in your body was alive and tingling. With each thrust he took you to new heights you never knew were possible. "Oh Jacob," you moaned. "Don't stop...please...yes...oh god..."

 "Yeah, you like that prinsessa?" A smirk of satisfaction crossing his lips at knowing he was bringing you such exquisite pleasure. "Does my cock make you feel good?" He was pounding into you and you didn't know how much longer you were going to be able to hold on for. He must have felt the small flutter your pussy gave, as the first tremors of orgasm began. "Cum for me (Y/N)." You shattered at his words, climaxing once again with a force you never felt but just minutes ago. "Fuck, ya." He groaned out, spilling inside you as his orgasm hit as well.

 Your body was still quaking as he rolled you both onto your sides. His cock going flaccid yet still inside you. "God, you're beautiful," Jacob whispered those words, as he pushed strands of hair out of your face, before dropping kisses to your nose and lips. "If this is what happens when I get home from a road trip, I can't wait to go on another one."

 "Stop," you said playfully swatting at his chest.

 "I'm just teasing, prinsessa, though I do like coming home to you here. I think this will be good for us." You hoped it would, considering that you both had a lot banking on this working out. If this were to go south, then what would you do? Move back to LA with the baby? Stay here so that Jacob could be a part-time dad? There were so many questions swirling around in your brain, but when Jacob softly took his thumb to rub your cheek they all seemed to evaporate. "I didn't get to ask how you're feeling today?"

 "I'm good, well, we're good. That's three whole days without morning sickness." It was small, but it was progress. Hopefully, you were on the upswing of that as you went into your eleventh week.

 "Good, I can't see how that's good for either one of you." You couldn't either, even though everything you read and everyone you talked to, said it was normal. "When you were moving in did you figure out which room you wanted for the baby?"

 "I thought the smart thing would be to keep it next to our room. Oh, I mean your room."

 "No, you were right the first time. This is our room." He kissed you quickly before adding, "If we're going to make this work then everything is ours."

 You yawned, completely exhausted from the babe and moving in. "Ok," you somehow managed to get out, agreeing with Jacob.

 "Sleep, (Y/N). It's late." You weren't sure if it was the combination of his soft whispered words while he rubbed your back or sheer exhaustion, but the minute you closed your eyes you were out.

 Jacob just chuckled to himself as he watched you fall asleep. He was fighting the feeling himself, though he just wanted to steal a few more glances as you slept on peacefully in his arms. It was strange to him, someone who wasn't ready to settle down, how much he loved this. Just holding you in his arms and watching you sleep. Ever since he'd met you, something inside him had changed. You made him want more than just random hookup after random hookup, and now he had that something more with you. Though pretty soon there would be a little one as well. His hand stole down to your belly. He thought for sure there would be a bump there, after not seeing you for three weeks. The little blueberry inside you had grown to a strawberry now. He knew this because of course, he had to google it, along with so many other things. Like how to change a diaper, and what he should expect at each week of your pregnancy. He knew that right now you could start with mood swings, and be crying one minute and happy the next. He was just waiting for that to happen. He was trying to be prepared as best he could to help you out with the baby growing inside you. His baby. God, it sounded weird, yet so good at the same time. It was thoughts of his little one that had him drifting off to sleep.

 Jacob was home for the next five days before off on a short road trip before Thanksgiving. It was after a one point loss that he brought up finally being able to tell people about your pregnancy. The two of you were driving home after the game and you could tell his mind was preoccupied, you just assumed it was about the game. That was until he spoke. "I think we should tell everyone." It was sort of out of the blue and you had to admit you weren't sure if you were ready.

 "I don't know Jacob."

 Before you could say more, he looked over at you saying, "why?"

 "It's just...I'm the new person here. I've only been to three games counting tonight." He looked over again when you came to a stoplight, confused by what you were saying. "They're going to judge me." When he still didn't understand, you added, "They're all going to think I baby trapped you."

 "No, they won't."

 "Please, I know women, and you said it yourself; they're a family. I'll be looked at as the outsider that wanted to get her claws into a famous athlete."

 "I don't know about famous," he joked and you noticed that he tended to do that a lot. When you just gave him a look, he reached over and squeezed your thigh, letting his hand rest there after doing so. "I'm teasing (Y/N). I know these guys, they aren't going to think that way once we tell them. Hell, I'll take full blame. I mean I should've worn a condom, but if I'm being honest...I'm glad I didn't."

 You were shocked at his words, to the point that you had none yourself. "Don't look so shocked," Jacob said breaking the silence. "I'll admit, that kids weren't in my plans right now, but they were in them. And I have to say now, once I saw blueberry, who's now strawberry; I'm kind of excited to be a dad. I guess that's why I want to tell everyone."

 Well, shit, now he had you all weepy. You understood where he was coming from, there was something about seeing the baby on the ultrasound, even though you had no clue what you were looking at, and then hearing the heartbeat, well it made you feel the exact same way as he did. "Ok."

 "Ok?"

 "Ok, we can tell people."

 "Really? I didn't say that to make you change your mind or anything." His hand was running up and down your thigh now, more in an excited manner than seductive, yet it still sent tingles through your body.

 "I know, but I'll be twelve weeks in a couple days and then we're pretty much out of the woods according to the doctor." That had been your main concern, having a miscarriage. It would be hard enough on you let alone having to tell everyone who was sharing in your happiness.

 "Oh," Jacob exclaimed and you could tell that was something that hadn't really crossed his mind. "Well, we can wait then."

 "What if we compromise." After all, the two of you had been doing that a lot recently, no reason to stop now. "You're only gone a couple short days. We can tell everyone when you get back, at Thanksgiving." When you were with the other wives and girlfriends tonight they had mentioned that they were going to be doing a group thanksgiving dinner for those who wished to celebrate and didn't have family in town. It was a no-brainer to say yes, though you probably should've talked to Jacob first. It was too late for that now, as you were already down for bringing a couple pies for dessert.

 "That actually sounds like a good plan. Even if I didn't know we were officially going." There was that damn squeeze of your thigh again to let you know he was teasing. This time you played along.

 "Hmm, I don't remember you being mentioned in the invite, but I'm sure I can bring a plus one." You were half tempted to reach over to grasp his thigh, but you settled for just linking your fingers together with his, liking the fact that you two had this easiness with each other.

 "I'm fine with being your plus one anytime, prinsessa."

 Once the matter was settled the two of you concentrated on other things until you got home and he whisked you up to the bedroom. You had read that your sex drive might decrease some during these weeks of pregnancy but you were not finding that to be the fact. If anything, you were constantly, well the only word for it was, horny. Just being in Jacob's presence drove you wild, and it seemed to be the same for him. Though the two of you did have your tender moments, where you cuddled up on the couch to watch hockey; Jacob explaining the premises of the game better to you. There were also nights you would just lie in bed and talk about the baby. Jacob gently caressing the small bump on your belly that wasn't even noticeable unless you were naked, which around him seemed to be often.

 Before you knew it, he was off on another road trip. Immersing yourself in work during the day was easy, it was the nights that were long. Game nights, you found yourself at one of the other ladies houses watching the game together or just laughing and enjoying each other’s company, but then you would head home to an empty house and an even more vacant bed. It wasn’t lost on you that just a few short months ago, this was the life you wanted. No craved. Now here you were wishing that Jacob was home with you, preferably in bed, but just being in the house would be enough for you. Though you couldn’t complain too much as Jacob would call and facetime you several times each night.

 It wasn’t too long of a roadie, and before you knew it, he was back in Vancouver and you were getting ready for Thanksgiving. With each pie you baked, you had to admit you were getting more and more nervous at the idea of telling Jacob’s teammates. You’d taken the morning to tell his parents, who while not exactly thrilled about the way it happened, were happy for the both of you and excited about having a grandchild. Yours were pretty much the same, now understanding that your move to Canada was more than just business.

 Hours later, you were in the car headed to Chris Tanev’s place, where he and his girlfriend Kendra were hosting. You couldn’t stop your legs from bouncing as you went past neighborhood after neighborhood. “I’m telling you there’s nothing to be worried about,” Jacob insisted, placing his hand over your knee in an effort to get you to stop.

 “Yeah, well I’ll be better when it’s over and I don’t have to see the disapproving stares.”

 “You weren’t this nervous telling our families.”

 “I was for yours. I just wasn’t showing it on the outside.” Admittedly, you had been scared about telling them, but Jacob’s parents were just so kind. There were also words exchanged in Swedish which you had no clue as to their meaning, but Jacob assured you it was nothing bad at all. “Besides our parents aren’t going to judge us at the end of the day. Family kind of has to love you, even when you make mistakes.”

 “Mistakes, huh?”

 “That’s not what I meant.”

 “I know, just trying to take your mind off of everything. So, you’re cool with my parents coming over for a bit. I mean dad and I will be on the road a couple of days, so it’ll just be you and my mom, but I know she’s really excited about meeting you.”

 “Yeah, I’m actually looking forward to it.” Which was the honest to god’s truth. You wanted to learn all about Jacob and his family, for no matter what happened between the two of you, they would always be a part of the baby’s life. “I’m sure she’s got some good stories about you growing up. You know the ones that are way too embarrassing to tell, but mom’s do anyhow.” He groaned and you laughed. There were obviously some he didn’t want to be told and you were looking forward to hearing about those the most.

 “Maybe I should be rethinking this.”

 “Don’t you dare.” As the words rolled off your tongue, you realized you were pulling up to the Tanev residence.

 “Ready?” You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for the next few hours. You planned on just following Jacob’s lead. It wasn’t like you were going to walk in and simply announce that you were pregnant; however, and whenever, he wanted to tell them, was his choice.

 He squeezed your hand one last time before the two of you exited the car. You grabbed the desserts, tossing two pies at Jacob before taking the last two, and heading to the door. “Welcome, guys,” Chris said as he opened the door, then took one of the pies off your hands. “Come on in.” Not everyone was there yet, which was rather nice. There were a few of the single players there, along with Sarah and Erik. You knew for sure Holly and Bo were coming as well and a few more of the couples, that you weren’t extremely close to yet, they just hadn’t arrived yet.

 Mike Del Zotto was quick to come up and throw an arm around you. “Hey (Y/N), it’s good to see you. Glad you two decided to join us. I thought maybe this guy would keep you all to himself. I know I would.” He gave you a quick wink, but it was the look on Jacob’s face that had you laughing. He was not happy with DZ flirting with you by any means.

 “Keep it up and we may just have to head home,” Jacob countered, though in a joking manner.

 “Men,” Sarah said, grabbing you from Michael’s hold so that she could hug you. “Why don’t you boys run along and watch football or something. Let’s go put these in the kitchen.” She took the pies from Jacob and headed off.

 Jacob came over and pecked you on the lips, before slyly asking, “You good?”

 “Yeah,” with that he gave your hip a final squeeze then went with the other guys to the movie room.

 “These look amazing,” Kendra told you, checking out the baked goods. “Where did you get them from?”

 “Oh, I made them. I hope that’s ok.”

 “Ok? Oh my god, of course, they’re probably way better than store-bought. Though you have me feeling guilty now because I did not make any of the food.” It was then that you noticed large tinfoil pans here and there in the kitchen with a couple in the oven. “I like to cook, but not for this herd. I don’t have enough oven space for the number of turkeys we’d need.”

 “Well, I’m still amazed at you having everyone,” you told her, for it had to be a feat hosting this many hockey players along with their significant others. “Everything looks amazing and your house is gorgeous by the way.”

 “Thank you. Would you like a glass?” Kendra held out a bottle of red wine, literally your weakness any other time than right now. “I was just pouring us a second.”

 “Yeah, join us,” Sarah added. “We’re going to need it with all this male testosterone today.”

 Somehow at the last couple of get-togethers, you’d managed to get out of drinking simply by saying that you had work the next day, but that would not be the case tomorrow. “I really shouldn’t, but a bottle of water would be great.”

 “One water coming up.” Kendra headed over to the fridge when you saw Sarah eyeing you funny.

 “Ok, so I have to ask.” This from Sarah as she still had that look on her face. It was the one Kennedy always made when she knew something. Nine times out of ten your best friend was always right, but then this was Sarah, someone who you considered a friend but didn’t know near as well. “You haven’t been drinking at any games and you’re not today. Are you….?” She paused letting the word pregnant just hang in the air, for you to fill in the blank.

 “Are you?” Kendra asked now fully into the conversation, yet still, neither said the word.

 All you could do was take a deep breath and say, “Yeah, I am.” Still not saying the P-word as if that would change the circumstance of your situation.

 “Oh my god, congratulations.” Sarah came running around the island to hug you. "That's amazing." You were stunned there wasn't a hint of disapproval on her face. And when you looked back at Kendra who was waiting her turn to hug you, all you could see was happiness as well.

 "Jacob is going to be a great father," Kendra told you when she wrapped you up in an embrace. "How far along are you?"

 "How far along is what?" Chris asked.

 "I hope you mean dinner because I'm starving," Del Zotto added.

 Bringing up the rear of the trio was Jacob and all you could do was give him a sheepish grin as Kendra broke the news. "Congratulations, Daddy."

 Both Michael and Chris turned to him, with shocked looks on their faces. "Why didn't you tell us, man?" Chris spoke first, as he clapped Jacob on the back then gave him the standard bro hug.

 "I planned on it today," Jacob answered while giving you a look both shocked and thrilled that you were the one spilling the beans. "Just hadn't found the right time."

 Del Zotto came up and hugged you first, followed by Chris, and the next thing you knew the whole place was congratulating the two of you. It was nothing like you thought, not one person questioned the fact that you'd just moved in together or started to see one another. Jacob had been right all along. They were just like your family, supportive of the decision the two of you had made. You were beginning to believe that this may work out. Especially, as your relationship with Jacob only seemed to grow stronger with each passing day.

 After Thanksgiving, things seemed to be moving in fast forward. You hit the twelve-week mark in your pregnancy, which meant another ultrasound and another chance for you and Jacob to further bond over the baby. It went from being a strawberry to being the size of a lime, according to the chart, and this time you could both see it was an actual baby growing inside of you. There was a distinct shape to its little arms and legs, which made the whole thing that much more real and exciting. Which is how you found yourself asking the girls how you would go about getting a little Canucks jersey with Jacob’s number and Daddy written on the back as a Christmas gift for Jacob. It was the first baby item that you bought and it felt so perfect.

 As Christmas drew near, you found yourself decorating Jacob’s house for the holiday season. Even though you’d been living in the house for several weeks, it still didn’t feel like your home quite yet. Jacob had few holiday decorations, so you found yourself shopping more than you cared to admit. By the time he arrived home, you had the house transformed into something worthy of a Hallmark movie. It wasn’t what Jacob was used to by any means considering the Swedes are more classic and subtle when it came to holiday décor, but he loved it all the same.

 Christmas was a quiet affair. You opted to stay in Canada with Jacob, figuring that you might as well start making some new traditions, like celebrating on Christmas Eve as is done in Sweden. The two of you tried to mesh your holiday traditions as much as possible, so you agreed to open one present Christmas Eve after you had eaten some classic holiday dishes from Jacob’s homeland, then opting to open the rest Christmas morning as your family had always done. Jacob bought you a beautiful charm bracelet. There was a Welcome to Vegas charm, as well as a hockey stick, and Canucks one, but the one you loved the most was the one that had Mom to be written on a heart.

 “This is beautiful,” you said leaning over to give him a kiss. “Thank you.”

 You handed over your gift to him, which he took with a silly grin on his face. Tearing through the paper, he unwrapped the box in no time, then pulled out the tiny hockey sweater. “This is great (Y/N). I can’t wait to see him or her in it at the game.”

 “There’s more.” He looked at you curiously then peered back inside the box, seeing the gold chain lying inside. You’d seen him wear one on a few occasions but this had a little charm on the end. He looked at it several times before you finally gave in. “It’s the doppler sound of the baby’s heartbeat. I had told you I’d record it for you before we did the ultrasound here in Vancouver, but I still wanted you to have something to remember that moment.”

 His eyes started to well up, just like they had that day when you heard the heartbeat. “This is…wow…I love it.” It was Jacob’s turn to plant a kiss on your lips, only this one became a little more heated. He finally pulled away, but only to say, “Can you put it on me?”

 Thankfully he was seated on the couch, so you got up and placed the chain around his neck. The moment it was secure, he looked down at the charm and smiled, before reaching to grab you and pull you close again. This time speaking hushed words to the baby in Swedish as he always did.

 “I think for my New Year’s resolution, I’m going to learn Swedish. I’m dying to know what you tell the baby.”

 “That time, I said that they are so lucky to have the most wonderful mom in the world.” Well, if that didn’t make the heat rise to your cheeks. “There might have been a few other things as well. I’m more than happy to teach you though if you’d like to learn.”

 “I think I would. It would be nice to teach our child your native tongue, and they say to start as early as possible. Which it seems that you are.” He just grinned then hauled you down on his lap, cradling your small little bump once you were seated.

 “Well here’s your first lesson. You say God Jul for Merry Christmas in Swedish.”

 You repeated the words, butchering them a bit, then repeated it again much better. “Very good, prinsessa. Obviously, you know that one as well.”

 “I do. Though I wonder if I shall still get that title if we have a girl.”

 “Hmm, might have to change it to Drottning.”

 “I have no clue what that means, but it’s not nearly as romantic.” Jacob let out a bark of laughter.

 “No, I don’t suppose queen sounds as good in Swedish as it does English. I guess I will just have to think about it.”

 “Which makes me wonder, do you want a boy or a girl?” Everyone knew that all you both wanted was a healthy baby, but you wouldn’t lie and say that you’d love to see Jacob with a son. One he could teach all his hockey moves to, though he could just as easily do that with a girl. Maybe it was that you wanted a boy just so that you could see Jacob through him. One that had his sense of humor and good looks. Though your child would probably never be in trouble if he could replicate his father’s grin. It melted your heart every time you saw it. You had to shake yourself from where your thoughts were leading for you never saw yourself as this person; the kind that wanted to see the man that they loved reflected in their children.

 Did you literally just think that you loved Jacob? Certainly, you had feelings for him, but love; no, it couldn’t be that. You hadn’t known Jacob long enough to say you were in love with him. Hell, the two of you were in the process of getting a divorce. Weren’t people falling out of love when that happened and not into it?

 “Either will be fine, just healthy.” Jacob's voice brought you back to reality and where your train of thoughts was leading. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to explore those feelings; now was just not the right moment for it. Later, you thought, when you weren’t wrapped up in his arms with this warm fuzzy feeling from the holiday season already bubbling inside you.

 “Well, we both want that, but isn’t there one you want a little bit more than the other?” You probed further, ignoring those earlier thoughts.

 “Not really prinsessa.” He had to have some preference just as you did.

 “So, then you don’t want to know what we’re having?”

 “Not if you don’t.” He was too damn accommodating at times or was that he was disinterested. He was always talking to the baby, so you didn’t think that it was the latter.

 “We have a few more weeks to think about it.” No point in making the decision right now, maybe he would change his mind. “I made the next appointment for when you’re back, on the fifteenth. We’ll have to know by then.”

 He kissed your temple, hands running under your shirt so that he could caress the tiny baby bump. “We will, for now though, we better get to bed before Santa comes.”

 “Is Santa coming the reason you want to go?” you teased as you could feel his erection growing against you.

 “Well, if you let me, prinsessa, Santa won’t be the only one cuming.” God, you loved his sense of humor. There was that word again. It had you jumping off his lap in order for your mind to not wander down that path again.

 “Guess we better head to bed then.” He was swift to follow you, sweeping you off your feet and carrying you to the bedroom, where he definitely kept his word.

 It was two days later that he was headed off on a ten-day road trip. You were definitely not looking forward to it, as the house always seemed empty without him in it.

 The team played on New Year’s Eve and had it been anywhere else than New Jersey you would’ve gone to watch only so you could ring in the new year together. Instead, you spent that night with all the Canuck ladies, facetiming Jacob as the new year approached. Jacob was still going to be on the road for another five days, so you busied yourself by taking down all the holiday decorations. You decided to make the place a bit homier, adding pictures and artwork here and there. The place was really starting to feel more like home.

 The only room that still needed work, was the office. While your desk was neat and organized, Jacob’s was a disaster. Had been since the day you moved in. You were seriously starting to wonder how things got done with the mountain of papers on his desk. All those papers had been driving you crazy every day you came in to work. Jacob needed someone to organize him, or at least that’s what you told yourself as you sat in his chair and started to sift through piece after piece of mail and documents.

 There was a pile for bills, all of which somehow got paid, though you didn’t know how. A pile for legal documents and a miscellaneous pile that you needed to figure out where to put. Once you organized the first two, you moved on to the random ones that you weren’t one hundred percent sure of. You were halfway through when you came across a familiar envelope; the same one you’d sent the divorce papers back in. Why it hadn’t caught your attention when you first separated it, you weren’t sure?

 You opened it up, assuming it was a copy of the document you’d signed. What you found inside shocked you. It was the original paperwork. The blue ink you signed it in staring back at you, but that wasn’t the part that told you it was a copy. It was the fact that Jacob’s signature was nowhere to be found. He hadn’t signed it. Why? You’d both agreed to the divorce, it was practically a done deal, only now it wasn't.

taglist: @iculyrea​  @fiveholegoal​  @raysofcrosby @leafs-lover​ @sexysidney87​ @lovethepreds​  @miranda0102​  @stbluesbrat21  @perrieeloise  @mandypants95​  @hockeyunits​  @liz96893  @golfergirl1982​  @princessphilly​  @ajstylesworld​  @zinka8  @dontworrybeekappy​  @hiimana  @meishaabae​ @heatherawoowoo @beauvibaby @hockeybabe87 @leafs-forever @dancingonmyown87​ @himbos-on-ice

[honesthammie]

From my prompt list:

4) After reaching your 16th birthday you gain the ability to see everyone's red strings of fate and on your 18th you finally get to see yours, except yours dissappears into the ground/sky.

Fandom:Doctor who

Pairing: 13 x gender neutral reader

This is my first fic on tumblr. I know its hella long and not all of my fics will be like this. This came to me from a dream I had recently. I love Jodie and I decided to write the spider episode from a different perspective. I may have change the episode slightly to fit the reader. I am thinking of doing a part 2 but it may be a while before I do as I have deadlines and stuff to keep up with. The next part may be more fluff between 13 and yourself. I know this didn't have much but it's something. I'm also sorry to any Americans reading this, I love yas but its just the personality I put to go with the readers personality. I'm also sorry for any spelling mistakes as I'm doing this on my phone.

Summary: spider episode with a small change I'm plot to accommodate your beautiful self in this fic

Warnings: slight description of a couple of panic/anxiety attacks, swearing and a bit of angst. Long intro for small fluff. And it's a part 1 do I guess a small cliffhanger is a warning?

Beep beep beep. Your alarm starts blaring in your ears, waking you up with a start. You glare at the interrupting machine before turning it off. After such a crazy night, you did not want your sleep so rudely interrupted. Why did you have a crazy night? It's your 18th birthday today and your friends decided to visit your place for a little house party, last night, to celebrate and now you have a pounding headache.

You groaned as you realised, you would need to take some pain meds before you even think about going back to sleep. Slipping out of your bed, you walk to the bathroom and find the cupboard with all sorts of medicinal and bathroom bits and bobs. You then grab the glass that you placed there in preparation for the definite hangover. The glass was a little cold to the touch but you filled it with some cool water from the sinks tap.

You took two, just so you could have a longer sleep. You waddle back into your bedroom and just as you get comfy, you widen your eyes at the memory. You needed to see your mother today, she said she had a gift for you but she would only be at home until 11. You looked at the machine that you hated for the time. It was currently 10:05. You jumped to your feet and rush to get ready.

As you walked outside, you saw the regular red strings that you saw everyday. Why do you see strings? You honestly didn't know, but you knew their purpose, it helped match 2 soulmates together. But something seemed a little off, there was no one on the street anymore, so why could you still see one line of destiny? You decided to follow the string south, down to your own (s/c) hand which was now slightly shaking at the sight.

"Fuck. Fuck,fucky fucking fuck. Why now? Why me? What the shit is going on with me?" You curse to yourself. You could feel your breath getting rapid and your head started spinning slightly. You quickly unlocked your car and sat down to help calm you down. You took a few deep breaths and focused on your senses.

When you eventually calmed down, you decided to look at where the string led. Oh, how you shouldn't have looked. It didn't go in any way of a compass, it went straight up and past the clouds. How? You had so many questions but you had to focus on the day ahead.

You had been to your mothers house and collected your new (fave game series) and your card. You were incredibly thankful as you have been saving up to buy it for yourself one day. You had played the previous games and loved every one of them and to say you were excited was an understatement. You almost ran back into your place if it wasn't for needing the key to access the gates.

Living in a gated community helped you feel a lot safer but it did also make you a big target for thieves to practise picking locks. No one had figured out where the hidden camera that kept alerting the authorities was though. Even you have tried put of plain curiosity but you got stumped after the 10th day of searching. You were sure you looked in every possible hiding spot, yet the camera always seemed to evade you in the pointless game of hide and seek.

As you unlocked the gate, you felt a twitch on your finger. The string was moving down and at a very fast pace, almost falling speed. You looked up and saw a small black dot heading towards the ground, if thats your soulmate, they would certainly be dead the second they meet their fate. When you could no longer see the dot, you kept your eyes glued to the string, waiting for it to disappear like everyone else's did when a soulmate died.

After five minutes, the string was still there and was still as red as ever, like no harm had come to them. But thats not possible. No creature could survive that especially from that great a height! You were beyond curious and quickly went into your living room and searched on all your social media for anyone else that may have spotted the dot in the sky, yet no one had but you knew (b/f) had another massive fight with their roommate, Stella, over whose turn it was to do the dishes again.

If you didn't know that Stella was in a relationship with another, you would have sworn those two were in a relationship. You giggled at the silly thought, "if Stella ever goes through a break up with her, I'm totally gonna set those two up."

You give up on finding anything out today, maybe it'll be on the news tomorrow and you set off to go on an online shopping spree, you had a few codes and now, thanks to your wonderful mother, had a little cash to spare and you did see that gorgeous top on sale. Once you had spent the day either shopping or gaming you decided to head to bed but you couldn't stop thinking about that dot and what the red string meant for you.

When your alarm had went off, you hit it and got dressed for your new job at some hot shot posh hotel run by an aspiring American with High expectations and little experience with Sheffield. You had been told you wouldn't get to meet him much and you were beyond fine with that, you hated Americans, simply because you hated violence and guns were the big no on your weaponry list of avoidance. You didn't mind weapons in video games, those were harmless to the outside world. You didn't mind verbal violence though, it was all you had to defend yourself with and in Sheffield, that was better than nothing. You were very short tempered when it came to your anger but you found that it was either verbal or physical, you chose to be verbal.

You looked at your phone for any messages from (b/f) and had a good luck message. You replied with a smiley face and a "ill need all the luck I can get. I've heard from a few employees that he can be a real asshole for no reason and fires people just because they made eye contact for too long. It's like he suspects someone is out for his blood."

After 2 minutes you received a reply from from them. "You better be on your best behaviour then, young lady!"

"That's the problem. I wonder what the record is for the quickest a person has got fired? Because I may break that, you know me! I don't exactly do as I'm told, that's why finding a job has been so hard. Anyway, I best get ready, gotta look the part! First impressions and all!" You replied with a nervous face. What you failed to notice was the red string no longer pointing towards the sky and you were making it shorter with every step you took. You did give up on finding out about the strange dot and came to the assumption that it fell in a lake, there were plenty of them around.

You walked into the swanky looking hotel and noticed the cobwebs that definitely were not there two days ago when you had your interview, yet they looked like they had been there for weeks. You would have put it down to Halloween decorations if it wasn't for the fact that it was June. You decided to not ask in case this was some sort of strange new American trend that your boss was following to help bring in the youth. It does help make it fit into Sheffield a lot more with the run down and abandoned look. It would need some rust, water damage, mold and cracks to finish the look but it was a start. If you had to be honest, the spider webs helped bring the place together. It was way too posh for Sheffield but you had to lie and say you love it in order to get hired. Just from that lie alone you knew exactly the personality of your boss, arrogant, vain and ignorant.

"Hello, you must be my new helper! I'm Najia, your second in command here. As you can see, there are loads of spider webs so they should be priority. If you could start cleaning in the south west second floor and continue that floor, that would be amazing. Now here's your cleaning trolley and if you happen to finish the floor early, send me a little message through the walkie talkie and I'll give you another room or floor. Do you have any questions?" Najia spoke softly. She seemed lovely and it was shame that she had to be in a place that would get more damage than its worth.

"Just one question: why so many spider webs?"

"I don't know, they just seemed to have appeared, I thought it was silly string from some teenagers that managed to break in somehow but it is actual spider web. It wasn't here when I left last night. I guess I'll have to ask someone about that."

And with that you separated and got to your floor when you finally noticed a slight burning sensation on your finger, it wasn't hurtful. It was like putting the finger in a really hot bath. You looked down and noticed it now pointed downhill and seemed to be glowing a shade of gold ever so gently that you would miss it if the weird sensation didn't make you look.

You left your trolley outside a toilet to make it seem like you were in there when really you had wondered off to follow the string. You would probably lose yourself in the maze of hallways that all looked the same as the last if the string didn't help lead you to a ballroom. You opened the door and instantly screamed. A giant spider was walking towards you, however you couldn't get out, you had used a staff door which needed a key card to use from this side as the other side still needed to be fitted and you left yours in the trolley, near the toilets. And the massive spider seemed to be blocking the other way out so you were trapped.

You weren't scared of spiders but seeing them at the size of a van did intimidate you. You started shaking from fear of what it would do to you. Out of pure instinct, you put your hand out to protect yourself and the sound of 8 legs against wooden flooring had ceased. The only sound was your laboured breathing. It stayed like this for what seemed like hours but in actuality was only 5 minutes. You opened your eyes slowly to see 8 more stare right back. 8 eyes that showed fear but no intention of harm. Instead the spider gave you space to breathe by walking back a few feet. Then it seemed to be watching you, studying your next move to see if you were a threat and whether or not it should kill you.

You stayed still for a moment, wrapping your head around what had just happened before gently walking towards the creature with both hands forward to show them clean of weapons. You decided to try and speak to the spider to see if it can understand you.

"Hello. I'm new around here, I'm sorry if I'm trespassing on your area, I wasn't aware of you being here to be honest. I mean you no harm, if anything, I want to help you but unfortunately, I'm stuck in here aswell." You spoke carefully as if it was a child that was afraid. You gently put your hand in its head and it seemed to understand your good intentions and your situation as it let you pet it. Now you were close, you started to admire it and realised it wasn't poisonous or venomous, it was just a regular house spider. But you couldn't figure out how or why it got this big but it did explain the cobwebs everywhere.

You had been with the spider for hours and it seemed like Najia either didn't care or has gotten fired as she hasn't asked about you. You had spent the time talking or singing to the spider. She, as you found out after looking it up, seemed to put her body around you to protect you. You had even met a couple of her children as they gave you food from the cafeteria to nibble on when your stomach growled.

Eventually the burning on your fingers turned up massively and was causing you pain. The spider seemed to sense this and wrapped her web around your finger to help cool it down a little. It didn't help but you showed gratitude anyway as she was only trying to help in anyway she could. You gave her a small smile and her eyes seemed to show sympathy in return.

Then the doors opened again and the sound of several feet walked in. "Oh thank god. I thought I was never going to be found in here." You thought to yourself as you heard the voices mumble to each other and probably about Betty and what's the best way to get rid of her. You would have paid more attention if your finger didn't feel like it had caught fire and was tight as if your soulmate was amongst those that had walked in.

Now you were nervous. How would you introduce yourself? What did they look like? Were they male or female, not that you really cared? So many questions made you feel lightheaded so you grabbed onto Betty to keep yourself planted.

Then the door opened again and a familiar voice echoed in the hall and you knew exactly how he'd want to deal with Betty and after your bond today, you would rather die than her. She was obviously innocent here and maybe the others could see it. Then you heard the familiar click of a gun safety being taken off and your body reacted before your mind did and you jumped in front of her to stop him, although you had a feeling it wouldn't, but it was worth a shot for the others to stop him.

"Don't you fucking dare shoot that gun Dickhead! Not without going through me!" You spoke with fire in your eyes and maybe a slight mix if fear aswell. That's when you looked over at the new group of people. They all seemed trustworthy enough.

There was Najia, who welcomed you here earlier and she looked sad, so she had definitely been fired. Then there was another woman who looked a lot like her, you guessed she was a daughter or something and she was pretty and definitely somone with authority with the way she stood and held herself, maybe she is a police officer? A man who looked as though he was in his 50s and definitely did not belong in this weird group. A young man who looked of a similar age to the police woman, maybe they are friends.

Then you laid your eyes on one of the most beautiful woman, no, human, you had ever seen and would probably never see again. She had short blonde hair in a bob. They seemed to be brunette at the root. She had beautiful chocolate honey eyes that glimmers with so much emotion and age well beyond her years, like she had experienced thousands of years before this moment. You also noticed her odd sense of style but you admired her boldness and it did look amazing on her. You decided she could only be described as sunshine and rainbows.

Then you noticed her hand And a familiar red string that was also glowing a beautiful subtle gold. Like millions of tiny golden stars circled around the string in a beautiful dance of love. Your eyes started to follow the string down and back to your own. She was your soulmate. That goddess that stood before you, was to be yours forever some day.

Then you looked into her hypnotic eyes before you remembered where you were and what situation you were in. And you realised everyone was staring at you for your previous action towards a spider.

"If you want to keep your job, I'd suggest you move out of the way silly girl!" Your boss grumbled in a threatening tone.

"Nope. You are about to hurt an innocent creature that is stuck and terrified. You built on top of landfill and didn't bother to check and thought of no consequences. This is your fault. Is this how you would treat a child that was a mistake after a one night stand or something? Would you shoot a child that had no choice?" You spoke with confidence yet more nerves now she was there listening to every word. When he didn't answer you shouted "Answer me! Would you shoot your mistake of a child?"

He glared at you. "This is different. This is an animal. A pest. It needs to be killed so more can't be born! I made my mistake and now I'm fixing it!" He bellowed just seconds before a shot was made from his gun. You had expected pain but instead you heard a horrible shriek from behind you.

You quickly turned around and petted her whilst whispering sweet words as she took her last breath. You stood up and made your way over to the murderer. You couldn't stand him and you were so tempted to take his gun and shoot him with it, but you didn't. With fire in your eyes and pure hatred, you slapped him hard enough to leave a mark and maybe a bruise as a reminder of his shitty choices. "You can't fire me because I fucking quit you arrogant dick! She had caused no harm to you or I and I'm sure if you would have sorted it sooner, so many more lives could have been saved as she only had humans because flies didn't fill her anymore! She was so kind and just so afraid. I hope you lose everything you pathetic sad sack of boiled shit! You are truest one of the lowest excuses for a human I have ever met and if we meet again please be very afraid, because next time, it won't just be a slap you have to worry about! It'll be your balls as I cut them off beacuse men like you shouldn't repopulate the planet! You horrid scum! I hope your empire fucking collapses!" You spoke with venom lacing every word. You were seething and boy did his face look punchable. Instead you walked away with your middle finger proudly being the last thing he sees as you walk out the normal doors.

Once you were outside, you sat in the steps and finally let out all the emotions. You cried so hard, over your loss of yet another job and a newly found friend. You screamed at him with a string of curses that would offend just about anybody. You suddenly felt somone sit at the side of you. You knew who it was when the string was burning more than ever before and yet you couldn't feel it over the pain your heart.

"You did brilliant back there. You chose, not just your job, but your life over a creature you barely even knew! If you wouldn't have jumped in when you did, I don't think her children would've had a chance to escape to my TARDIS because he's going on a hunt right now for the rest of them. Sure, you didn't save her but you saved so many more lives than you think. And I know each one is eternally grateful for what you did. I know I would be." Her words were certain and sympathetic. They seemed to calm you down instantly. Or maybe is was the way she talked that helped with her soft but strong voice and you knew you already couldn't get enough like it was the best drug ever. You could listen to her all day and yet, she had said very little to you. It was a strange effect but you liked it.

She fell into a silence for a while just keeping you company as you came to terms with had happened.

[calpalirwin]

Nicest Asshole You’ll Ever Meet

Request: May I request a Lip Gallagher X Fem!Reader fanfic? Maybe set during season 1 or 2? Y/N is Kevin’s little sister and gets jumped on the south side. She gets badly beat up and barely makes it back home to her brothers house. No ones home so she goes to the Gallagher’s and Lip answers. He patches her up and it’s cute and fluffy. Maybe she falls asleep in his bed and they end up cuddling and then sharing a blunt? (You don’t have to add the blunt if you’re uncomfortable) Thank you love :)

Word Count: 1.3k

And away, and away we go!

__

You cursed as you stumbled your way down the street. Kevin was gonna have a field day when he saw you. It wasn’t your fault you had broken the single rule he’d given you. You hadn’t started the fight. Why the fuck would you with odds like that? 5 to 1 was hardly fair. And while they had landed their fair share of kicks and punches on you, you held your own. Kevin had said that you couldn’t start any fights, but he never said anything about finishing them.

“Jesus? Get hit by the L? You know you’re supposed to stand behind the yellow line right?” a voice quipped, and you turned to find the eldest Gallagher boy sitting on his front steps, a cigarette dangling between his lips.

“Reckon I’m still better lookin’ than you, Lip.”

The boy scoffed, before dropping the cigarette and snuffing it out with his boot. “C’mon,” he said, rising to his feet and jerking his head toward the house. “I’ll help ya get cleaned up.”

You waved him off, “It’s fine. I’ll ask V for help.”

“She’s not home. Neither is Kev. Alibi.”

“Shit.”

He shrugged. “So, you comin’ or not?”

“Fiona or Ian home?”

“Nah. Work.”

“Debbie? Carl? Liam? Fuck, Frank?”

“Do I look like a fuckin’ nanny? No. I’m the only one here. Why? You afraid of me or something?”

“Pffft, no…”

Lip smirked. “Oh, I get it. Alright. Did Kev tell you to stay away from me? That’s rich… What did he say? Like the reasons?”

“He said you’re too smart for your own good, and that you’ll use those smarts to get into every girl’s pants.”

The boy laughed. “Yeah, he’s probably right. But he’s gonna be mad either way. You might as well be cleaned up when he flips his shit.”

You blew out your next breath in a huff before crossing into the yard, officially in Gallagher territory, and following Lip into the house.

“Just have a seat,” he said, nodding at the couch before jogging up the stairs.

You complied, whatever adrenaline you had finally fading your body, pain taking its place. You wondered briefly if you looked like how Lip had said you did; like you had been hit by a train. You definitely felt like you had.

You turned to the sound of Lip’s boots thundering back down the stairs, a first aid kit in his hands. His crystal blue eyes studied you carefully as he shook soft brown locks of hair out of his way. “You’re bruised pretty badly, but I don’t think any of your cuts need stitches so that’s good. And nothing looks broken. So, what happened?”

“Stupid girls,” you hissed through your teeth as he started dabbing at your face with an alcoholic wipe.

“Hold still. Sooner I’m done, the better.” One of his hands came up to cup your chin to keep you from flinching away, his hold surprisingly gentle. “Stupid girls did this? Like from school?”

“Yes, like from school.”

“Did you get them back?”

“Sort of. 5 to 1 makes it a little hard to do much besides get your ass kicked. But I finished it, if that’s what you’re asking. And they jumped me. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to walk into odds like that.”

“5 to 1? Shit… so this was Leah, and her stupid fuckin’ friends?”

“That would be them.”

“Which means it’s Tyler’s fault. And Kev warned you about me? Damn…”

“Tyler’s a piece of shit who’d flirt with a rock if it’d flirt back.”

“Pretty sure he has.”

You laughed, then winced, clutching your side. “Don’t make me laugh, asshole.”

“Let me see,” he said, his hands falling away from your face.

“What? No! Are you insane?”

“Oh, relax. I’m not even gonna see your bra, much less your tits. Now lift up your shirt or I’ll do it for you.”

“Fine, fine,” you grumbled, pulling up on your shirt, both of you sucking air through your teeth at the sight of a giant splotch of purplish blue.

“Don’t bite my head off, alright?” he asked, his fingers hovering over your exposed skin.

You squinched your eyes shut, breathing harshly. “Do it.”

His fingers grazed across your ribs, again with a gentleness that took you by surprise. “Probably just badly bruised. That, or you have a really high pain tolerance. Or you’re a really good liar.”

“All of the above,” you grinned sarcastically, dropping your shirt.

“Well, not a whole lot for you to do besides rest.”

At the mention of rest, you became aware of just how tired you were. “Yeah. Rest. Sounds good. Thanks, Dr. Lip.”

“Anytime. C’mon, I’ll help you upstairs.”

“Excuse me?”

“What? You need to rest. And I’ve slept on this couch. It’s not exactly comfortable. You can use my bed upstairs.”

“Or I could go next door. To my bed.”

“Where Kev will find you all bloody and bruised? Nah. Plus, it’s too far.”

“Stubborn fuckin’ Gallaghers…”

“Hey, this stubborn fuckin’ Gallagher just played doctor, and offered you his bed.”

“Where he can play more doctor? Pffft, yeah right. I’m fine here.”

Lip’s eyes rolled. “I promise to not sleep with you. There. Now, are you gonna move on your own? Or do I gotta carry you up there myself?”

“Fuckin, Christ…” With his help, you made your way up the stairs and into a room with a single bed pressed against one wall, a bunk bed perpendicular with it against another wall. “It’s not the top bunk, is it?”

“No, it’s that one,” he said, nodding at the singular bed.

“Well, thanks I guess. For everything.”

“You’d be surprised how often I do this,” he tried to joke as you got settled on the bed and he fiddled with something at the desk.

“Play doctor to all the banged up kids in the neighborhood, huh? Wow, way to make a girl feel special.”

He gave a short laugh. “Have Carl as a sibling, and nobody would ever need med school.” He dug into his pocket, pulling out a lighter. He brought whatever it was he’d been fiddling with- a blunt you now realized- to his lips, lighting it and taking a deep hit. “Here,” he breathed, passing it your way.

You took a hit, welcoming the hazy cloud the enveloped you, feeling the bed dip as Lip crawled in beside you. “I thought you weren’t gonna sleep with me,” you pointed out as you handed him back his blunt.

“Do you see me stripping?”

“No…”

“Exactly. I may have offered you my bed, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna sleep on my fuckin’ floor. I’m nice, not a gentleman.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘asshole’ actually.”

“Nicest asshole you’ll ever meet.”

You took turns passing the blunt back and forth, your back pressed against his chest as you crammed together on the small bed. “Fuckin’ bitch,” you cursed Leah and her friends when you took a hit that left you sputtering, the coughs causing your sides to ache.

“I can fuck Tyler up if you want,” Lip offered. “And I can talk to Mandy about helping you with Leah. Like I personally won’t fight girls, so she’s my go to for that shit. Needed her help back when Debbie was getting bullied.”

You scoffed. “Yeah, cuz that’s what I need. More problems.”

“Well at least start walking with us then.”

“Aw, is Lip Gallagher offering to protect sweet little me?” you cooed.

“We look after our own,” he said as easily as if he was telling you the sky was blue. The bed creaked as he reached over you to turn off the lamp on the desk, before he settled behind you again.

You lay there wondering just what your brother had been thinking in telling you to avoid the boy. Sure, he had more charm and smarts than he knew what to do with. And he was a certifiable asshole. But he was a nice- and admittedly very cute- asshole. And you felt safe with Lip’s arm thrown gingerly across your waist, and his slow even breaths lulling you sleep.

__

Tag List

@thanossexual​ @markofdean79​ @philthepegacorn​ @youngblood199456​ @tarltongrl96​ @ineedmorefanfics​ @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof​

[fictionalabyss]

Doc.

Pairing : Sam x Reader (near the end), Del, Crowley.

Word count : 2,899

Written for : @samwinchesterbingo​​

Square : Doctor!Sam

Prompt : 'A doctor who lost their license and ability to practice, so they take up a job in organized crime doing surgeries for gang members who get shot/stabbed'

Warnings : Sam's POV, Mafia AU, Alcohol consumption, injuries, blood, bullet wounds, pain meds

A/N : A big ol’ giant thank you to my girls @sorenmarie87​ & @iflostreturntosteverogers​ for their help with this one.

Masterlist • Patreon • Ko-fi.

Sam Winchester Bingo Masterlist.

Sam was pissed and drunk when he found himself in a bar, hammered beyond belief, but giving a complete stranger medical advice. “They may have taken away my license, but I’m still the best fucking doctor in this state.” he’d muttered, whiskey half way to his mouth.

“You got a number, doc?” The man in the suit asked. “Ya know, in case I need any more medical advice. I can pay in cash.”

“Yeah, why not.” Sam dug out an old business card and slid it over. “Office number is obviously no good, but the cell is.”

“Thanks doc. Hey, James? Doc’s tab is on me.” Sam got a pat on the back before the stranger left, leaving him with his drinks.

“Bring me the bottle.” he ordered, downing the last of his glass.

Sam had forgotten about that night at the bar, it blurred in with all the others, until a call came through. “Hello?”

“Hey, doc. Still need some patients? I got a few, but I need you here quick.”

“Uh.” Sam’s brow furrowed as he thought about it for a second. “Sure, I guess. Where do you need me?” Sam jotted down the address before saying “I can get there in about 30 minutes-”

“You’ve got 20. See ya there, doc.”

The line went dead, and Sam stared at his phone for a minute before he realized he had better get moving if he wanted to get paid.

Sam was confused to find himself at a bar. An empty bar. The only person to be seen was the bartender casually washing a glass. Had he gotten the address wrong? He pulled out the slip of paper from him pocket and checked it again. “Hey, is this-”

“You the doc?” the bartender eyed Sam and the bag he had slung over his shoulder.

“Yeah.” Bartender motioned to a door at the back, just behind the bar. “Thanks.” Sam nodded and headed for it. Opening the door, he was met with a dark stairway, concrete walls and shaky wood that smelled with the start of mold. He made his way down cautiously. It was dark, at first. The musty area he stepped down into made his brow furrow, but hearing a noise coming from the back had him moving deeper into the darkness.

Suddenly, as if they heard him, a door opened and light spilled out, forcing Sam to blink past the blinding light. “You’re late, doc.”

Sam glanced down at his watch and grunted. “And yet, I cut the commute down by 5 minutes. Next time, need me closer.”

“Real fucking comedian, ain’t you.” As soon as Sam was within reach, he was grabbed by his jacket and pulled into the room. “Got three guys here you need to look at.” He motioned to each man, once of who was laying on a table in obvious pain and covered in blood.

Sam froze taking them in. Expensive suits and the occasional gaudy jewelry were a big giveaway on the kind of people these guys were. Weapons scattered around confirmed it. “I don’t-” Sam was cut off by a hand hitting his chest. When he looked to the man he’d first met at the bar, then down to the hand on his chest, his mouth shut.

“That's 10k cash, doc. Just for looking them over and keeping your fucking mouth shut. How’s that sound?”

Sam nodded, taking the cash and pocketing it before stepping further into the room eyeing the guy on the table. “What happened?” No one answered. “If you expect me to help-”

“I’ll pay you an extra 5k not to ask stupid questions.” With a sigh, Sam nodded before pulling off his suit jacket and rolling up his sleeves. “Good.”

Sam felt eyes on him the entire time he worked. He pulled bullets out of holes, and then stitched them up as best he could. Got grumbled thanks before he moved on to the next person, and when he was done, when he was wiping his hands clean, he got a compliment.

“Nice stitch work, doc.”

“Don’t move him unless it’s to a hospital. He had internal bleeding. I stopped it as best I could, but.. I don’t have what I need here.”

“I’ll try and get you what I can for next time.” Sam was handed another wad of cash. “5k as promised.” Sam just took the money and nodded before grabbing his bag, his jacket, and heading out.

Sam had been getting the calls for over a year now. There were times the calls were more frequent than others, and then there were times where he didn’t hear anything for over a month. But they always called, and he always went back to that dank little bar’s basement.

When he saw the familiar number light up his screen, he grabbed his phone and started for his bag, accepting the call and tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder. But this time it was different.

“Doc?”

“Yeah, Del, it’s me.”

“Where are you?”

Sam froze, his usual bag in his hand. “At home. Where do you need me?”

“No time, doc. I’m coming to you. Get ready for company.”

Sam looked down at his phone confused as the line went dead. They never came to him, they never risked anything but that bar basement. How bad could it be if they couldn’t go there? He’d looked the other way for over a year, but now.. Now it was coming into his home. What had he gotten himself into?

When his door burst open, he jumped as 4 guys came in, guns out and eyes all around. He knew them, he’d stitched them up countless times but he’d never seen them like this. “Where can I put her?”

Sam's eyes went back to the door and his eyes went wide. It wasn’t one of the men, it wasn’t some big burly guy with a gun. It was a young woman, her beautiful dress covered in blood and her body limp in Del’s arms. “What the fuck-” he stopped himself from asking, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer. “Uh- upstairs. Any room.” Del nodded and hurried up the stairs and Sam grabbed his bag, ignoring the four other guys patrolling around his house.

Once Sam got up the stairs, he found Del putting her on the bed in the first room he’d found. Sam’s room. Sam hurried in, rolling up his sleeves as he gave her a once over to find the source of her bleeding.

“I uh- I need to call the boss, tell him where we are.. You got her?”

“Yeah.” Del just nodded before heading out of the room, blood covered hands digging the phone out of his pocket. “There’s a bathroom two doors down, and another off the kitchen if you guys need to clean up. Is anyone else hurt?” Sam looked back at him over his shoulder.

“No.. No just her. Everyone else is fine.” Sam gave him a nod and turned back to the girl bleeding out on his bed. “That’s part of the problem.” Del muttered, phone going to his ear.

Sam had carefully cut away a part of her dress to uncover the wound in her right shoulder. He winced when he saw it, he had to be careful. He needed to clean the area, needed to get a good look at what he was dealing with. Turning from her and towards his bag, he started pulling out everything he’d need. He glanced at her as he did, the poor girl had probably passed out in shock, but she was about to get a rude awakening.

He wasn’t wrong. As he poured water over the wound to clean it, she shot up screaming. Del came running back in to find Sam struggling to hold her and clean the wound. “She’s fucking strong.” Sam cursed as Del came to help.

“‘Course she is. She’s the boss's daughter.” Sam’s eyes shot to Del, and he just gave Sam a shrug. “Now you know why we ran to you.”

Her screams died to sobs as they let up, Sam working to get the area clear. “Which direction was she shot from, you know?”

“No.”

“Gonna need to check her back, help me roll her.” She whined as they rolled her and Sam noticed more blood on her back. “Looks like it went right through.”

“It burns.” she whined, and Sam’s eyes shot up to meet hers.

“Yeah, it’s gonna. Can you sit up?”

“I don’t know..”

“It would be easier for me if you can. If you can’t, that’s okay, I’ll make it work but then I’ll have to move you around again.” She looked down, like she was taking in the sight of her torn and bloody dress, and then she glanced to Del.

“He’s the best doctor we got.” Del assured her.

She glanced down again and Sam seemed to understand. “I don’t think that’s what she worried about, Del. I had to cut her dress and her bra strap.” Del looked to Sam, then her and he seemed to almost pale as it hit him.

“Oh shit, yeah, I-” He cleared his throat and stood. “I’ll uh- call if you need me. Your dads on his way, kid.”

Once Del was out of the room and the door was shut, Sam turned his attention to her again. “Do you want a clean shirt? You can borrow one of my buttons ups-”

“No.” she answered quietly, trying to sit up. Sam reached his hand out, and she took it, letting him help her sit on the edge of the bed. “I don’t want to ruin your clothes. Maybe after, though, if the offer still stands.”

“Okay. Looks like the bullet went right through. I’m gonna give it a poke to be sure, but I think you got lucky with this one.”

“Yeah.. lucky.” She was looking down at a hand in her lap while the other clutched at her dress to keep her decent.

“I’ve treated much worse.” She hissed, her body going stiff  when he pushed a finger into her wound and felt around to be sure.

She was quiet and stiff until he was done. “You really a doctor?”  He nodded. “Why do you work for us? Why not at a hospital?”

He glanced from her wound to her eyes as he reached for the bag and brought it onto his lap. “I made a mistake. Lost my license.”

“What mistake was that?”

Sam sighed, not speaking as he worked, the bag eventually falling back to the floor. She hissed again when he started to stitch up the wound in her back, and that's when he finally answered. “I trusted someone.” She turned to look at him over her shoulder. “I had a relationship with a nurse. We kept it quiet, workplace romance and all, but when it ended.. She took it bad, then made it her mission to take me down.”

“What a bitch.” she spat through teeth clenched in pain.

Sam chuckled softly. “You don’t even know her.”

“Doesn’t make it less bullshit.” she answered. Sam nodded, not that she saw it. “Jesus fuck!” she cried out, body jerking away from him.

“Hold still.” He put a hand on her shoulder to hold her in place.

“Where is my bloody daughter!” came a booming voice from downstairs. “Del!”  A moment later, Sam’s bedroom door burst open. “Love?”

“Hi, daddy.” she breathed out.

“Oh, love.” He stepped towards her, taking her face in his hand, making her look up at him. “Are you alright, Darling?”

“I will be. Right?” she asked Sam, not taking her eyes off her father, though she hissed again.

“Yeah, went right through. As long as you keep it clean and take it easy, you should be good.”

The man turned his gaze to Sam. “Who the bloody hell are you and why is my daughter half-”

“Daddy.” she cut him off, and he looked at her again. “He’s the doctor Del’s been using. He’s taking good care of me, I promise.” She shifted again, her shoulder moving as she winced in pain.

“Do you not have anything for the bloody pain?” he snapped.

“You’re going to need to see someone with a license for that.” Sam answered curtly as he finished and wiped the area clean again. “But I might have something leftover in the bag. No promises though. Del knows what to look for. Del?” Sam called out.

“On it, doc.” he answered, rushing in from where he’d been standing outside the door. Del rooted through the bag while Sam bandaged up her back. “Lucky you, three left.” Del held up the prescription bottle and rattled them around. “One or two?”

“One.” Sam finished up with her back and turned his attention to the wound in the front.

“I’ll get you some water.” Del told her after handing her the pill. He left the room and a minute later returned with a bottle of water from Sam’s fridge.

“Nothing stronger, huh?” she teased, taking the bottle.

“Not while on those, no.” Sam shut her down. “Ready for round two?”

Knocking back the pill with a mouthful of water, she took a moment after swallowing to nod at Sam. “Yeah. I think I am.”

Sam was washing his hands in the en suite while the girl in his room changed out of her dress. “Sorry I don’t have anything that fits you better.”

“It’s fine.” she called back. “Not easy getting dressed with this, though.”

“Do you need help?” Sam’s head turned a touch more towards the door, though he remained focused on getting the blood out from under his nails.

“I think I got it..”

Once his hands were clean, Sam waited, his ass leaning on the bathroom counter. It was quiet. “You good?”

“Give me a damn minute.” she snapped. “Buttons are hard when you can barely move your arm.”

Sam chuckled. “I can help with those. You decent enough?”

“I guess.” she muttered, glancing up when the door opened.

When Sam saw her, he did his best not to let it affect him. He tried to keep his face schooled as he crossed the room and reached for the buttons. She’d gotten two in the middle done, but the rest remained open and she did her best to clutch the shirt closed since her bra was now as trash as her dress. He tried to focus on the material between his fingers, and not on the girl staring up at him. Sam licked his lips as he did one button after the other.

“Love.” Her father's voice sounded from behind Sam. “Let’s go, we’re leaving.”

“I think I should stick with the doc, daddy.” she answered, never looking away from Sam.

“Not bloody happening.” he snapped.

“Who better to take care of me and my wound?” she answered, using logic as Sam finished up the buttons. “I mean, if it gets infected, or it gets re-opened, you’re just going to call him in to fix it, right? I might as well stay for a few days. You know, until it’s healed enough for me to do things on my own.” Finally tearing her eyes away from Sam she looked to her father. “Who’s going to help me at home? Del? You want him helping me out of my jammies at night, daddy?” He narrowed his eyes at her. “What about in the shower? Would you like Del to-”

“Enough.” he snapped.

“The doc is profesh, daddy. One hundred percent. Didn’t even try a glance at my tits once.”

“You touch my daughter and-”

“I got it.” Sam answered. “She’ll have her own room and you can visit any time.”

“Like I’d let you bloody stop me.” he growled out at Sam. “You’ll call, love?”

“Like clockwork, daddy.” She smiled innocently at him. With a grunt, the man left, and Sam hoped he took the others with him. He wanted to freely move around his own space again without bumping into some suit with a gun. “Can’t believe he agreed to it.” she chuckled.

“I feel like I know him.. Like I’ve seen him before.” Sam mused as he started stripping his bed of blood soaked linens.

“You are our doctor.” She pointed out, moving to stand aside and watch him.

He shook his head. “I’ve never seen anyone higher than Del.” Sam answered. “I don’t even know who’s above him, who I technically work for. I get paid for no questions.”

“I noticed.” she pointed to his dresser, and when he turned, he saw what he expected to be his usual wad of cash payment. “My father is who you work for, technically.” her eyes were back on Sam again. “His birth name, back in Scotland was Fergus MacLeod.”

Sam’s brow furrowed as he yanked off the fitted sheet to join the rest. “Never heard of him.”

“You might know him by another name. When he came to America, he chose a new one. Crowley.” Sam froze, turning to look at her. That's a name everyone knew, and everyone knew to avoid it. “Welcome to the family.” she gave him a half smile. “Now, are you really going to make me stay in a different room than you?”

“Yes!”

“Bummer.” she pouted before heading out to explore the rest of his home.

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #454

“last thing i remember, i was running for the door  /  i had to find the passage back to the place i was before”

Last thing you bought online? Did you like it? I have no clue. Could you date someone who didn’t drive (and didn’t show an interest in ever getting their license, either)? I don't know. Public transportation isn't a big thing here at all, and even whenever I get my license, my partner needing to get somewhere while I'm needed elsewhere could be problematic. I think it would also depend on why they don't want their license. Like if they had a traumatic wreck, I couldn't blame them. How would you react if your artwork became famous? That'd be fucking amazing. Would you get your nipples pierced? I've briefly considered it. I ultimately wouldn't, though. How many people know your birthday? Without the assistance of Facebook, a few, I guess. My immediate family, Sara, uhhhh... Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in? Yes, and it worked. For the better, though. He had a bad reputation. Have you ever watched a whole hour long infomercial? Ha, yes, this one time with Girt. It was a vacuum infomercial. We were just really bored at my place and... okay, I have no justification for watching that whole thing lmao. What is your current MySpace song? I still remember it was "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Beddingfield lmaooo. What is your favorite kind of meat to put on your sandwich? Ham. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? Sara or Jason, idk. How do you feel about people who make Facebook profiles for their pets? I don't care. Have you ever personally known a pair of conjoined twins? No. What was the most disturbing thing you have ever heard your mother say? Mom and my older sister got in a fight once and Mom yelled that she was a slut. I don't know why, but... it never left me, and I GUARANTEE it never left Ashley (who is not a "slut," by the way). This was when she was a teenager, so it's been many years and I can absolutely promise you Mom regrets it, big time. I don't even have to ask. Is there something in particular you like to look at photos of? What is it? Mark and meerkats, ha ha. Chewy chocolate-chip cookies: like or dislike? Chewy is the way to GO. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wanted to dress only in the opposite sex’s clothing, would you support that? If not, would you leave them? I wouldn't care. I'm pansexual, anyway. Anyone can be attractive to either gender's clothes to me. I think assigning clothes to a specific gender is dumb, anyway. Do you think your grandmother is/was beautiful? I only remember how my maternal grandmother looked, and yeah, she was a pretty lady. Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? Mark, ha ha. I know way too much on a person I've never met. When was the last time you got all dolled up? Not since last October when I did a witchy Halloween shoot with friends. Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) No. Do you have a criminal record? No. Last person you took a nap with? Sara, years ago. Well, unless you count my cat. He always comes running when he hears me getting comfy in bed, ha ha. Does seeing your mother cry automatically make you feel sad as well? Yes, and angry because I want to stop whatever it is making her cry, but I usually can't. Do you think someone likes the same person you like? I have no idea. Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? God no. Have you ever been to craigslist.com? Yes; I've adopted and rehomed pets from there. What about eBay? Mom's bought stuff from there. Have you ever used Nair? Yes, on my legs. It's just as exhausting as shaving with how thick my hair is. Are you medicated? I think I'm on too much medication, personally. I want to try weaning off my OCD prescription, because I haven't had problems in a long time, but my psychiatrist doesn't want to? Which is odd to me because when I came to him, he was stunned by how many different meds I was on. He's concerned that the symptoms will just re-emerge, but like... I've beaten OCD before, for many years. I can do it again. I trust him with my life though, because he saved it, so I just go with what he says, honestly. Do you shape/fill in your eyebrows? No. Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex? I've worn Jason's pajama pants before because I found men's pj pants more comfortable, and besides, sometimes I spent the night when I didn't plan to and needed something more comfortable than jeans. Could you make a statement about anything political? Texas' new "heartbeat bill" is fucking bullshit and is going to get so many women killed from DIY abortions. Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate? I don't believe in soulmates, but I do believe I met the person I loved more than I could ever possibly love somebody else again. Do you get the feeling something good will happen in your life soon? Fuck if I know. Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche? Yes. Have you been to McDonald’s in the past month? Yes. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? I have. How often do you go bowling? Very, very rarely. I haven't been since I was on a date at the end of 2017, I wanna say??? Or was it '18??? Last time you were in an apartment? Not since Colleen still lived in one and I was visiting her. Have you ever seen a live seahorse? Yeah, in aquariums. Would you like to have your own yacht? I mean I wouldn't say no if you offered it to me for free, but I'm not exactly interested in one. I'd probably just give it to my dad. He'd be on Cloud 9. Winnie the Pooh or Tigger? Pooh! :^) What’s the unhealthiest thing you’ve eaten today? A brownie with caramel drizzle. Mom bought a box of them to split between Ash and her family and us, so I had one. :x Thankfully though she gave more to Ash, because I don't like having treats in the house for my weight's sake, but a little something sweet occasionally keeps you sane when you're trying to lose weight. Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? Ew, no. What is something you’d be happy to receive as a gift, that doesn’t cost a lot? I'd really appreciate something hand-made, like a drawing or something. What kind of music does your significant other/crush like to listen to? He likes mostly the same stuff as me, but also more indie-ish stuff than me. Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were? Jason. His eyes are brown. Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? Supernatural. It's inevitable that I'll sing, ha ha. Do you eat dessert after dinner? Very, very rarely. Have you ever had too much to drink and felt embarrassed about your behavior the next day? No. When you go out drinking, what do you prefer to drink? I don't go out drinking, but if I was to order a drink right now, I'd go for a sangria. That sounds soooo good rn. What was the last animal that you saw? My cat. Venus is in her hide as I'm answering this, so I can't see her. What was the last thing that you said to one of your siblings? I told Nicole bye when she was leaving the other day. What is the most expensive thing that you’ve purchased that you paid for: My snake. What is your favorite messaging program? Discord, nowadays. Do you eat fast food more than 5 times a week? Yikes, no. Have you ever almost drowned? No. Have you ever learned something shocking about someone through Facebook? It wasn't shocking in a bad way, just very unexpected. One of my friends has been an egg donor twice, I wanna say? What’s the scariest living animal that you’ve petted? I have no clue. Nothing that dangerous. Well wait, I shared the story of holding a tarantula before, and I was still kinda nervous to do so when I did. She was a total sweetie, though. Do you remember the first conversation you ever had with the person you currently have feelings for? I actually don't. Other than he got my attention with "lip ring girl," lmao. Do you dread certain days of the week? If yes, what day/s and why? No, because they're all the same to me. If you eat oatmeal, do you have it plain or do you have certain toppings that you like to add to it? I add a bit of sugar. What is the funniest or strangest thing you’ve ever heard somebody say in their sleep? *shrug* Choose one - Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: Milky Way, 100%. Do you use Mozilla Firefox? No, I use Chrome. Who is your favorite person to hug? Sara. Have you ever had to have a mug shot? No. What was the last thing you carried to your room? Water. When was the last time you had a late night phone call? Damn dude, I couldn't possibly tell ya.

[entitycradle]

A Tree Without Wind

Content warnings: mention of, discussion of, threats of, and plans to commit suicide. Panic attacks, disassociation, and paranoia are described, sometimes in detail. An eating disorder is alluded to. Characters are horny for each other but there’s nothing sexually explicit.

I promise the ending is hopeful. I genuinely am not trying to trick you, I know what this sort of thing is like, I want to respect your capacity while still being truthful to the experience and allowing tension in the story. If you’re in the right place for it, click that button.

A TREE WITHOUT WIND

I was nine years old the first time Phoenix told me he was going to kill himself. Is that too brutal? Sorry. It's where this starts. We were outside, in the morning before it got too hot, kicking around a ball in the scrubby grass. We used the long shadow of the I34Q tower to make the rules--you can't use your hands if you're in the sun, that sorta thing. It was fun because the boundaries of the shadow were always moving with the shape of the tower, and because the tower was a little scary. Phoenix lost a game and just said it, frustrated, "I'm gonna kill myself." I laughed.

When I was that age I loved looking at the shadow of the tower, because it made so much more sense than the real thing. You'd look at the dark, fuzzy stain on the ground and you could imagine it was some sort of antenna, or house, or marker. But then you'd look at the structure itself and your eyes would glaze over trying to figure it out. Unevenly rotating, stacked polyhedral structures, dark gray but covered with a rainbow film like an oil slick. Irregular pieces would be transferred between different sections with no apparent pattern. It smelled like someone you'd never met. The tower was doing something but no one was ever clear on what. That's how it is with I34Q stuff, I think.

I'm stalling. It was some stupid shit, he must've picked it up from some awful caster or something. As a kid Phoenix liked that sorta thing. He'd watch videos of mean people cursing and laughing and he'd laugh with them. I preferred my cartoons, or the I34Q casts, as weird as they were. Later I repeated what he said when I found out my dad was making squash for dinner, "I'm gonna kill myself," and my mom told me off pretty hard. Kept me from saying it again, at least in school and at home. Phoenix kept at it though.

- = -

Phoenix and I got put in the same dormitory when we went to T-school. Do they call it T-school in other places? It's the thing where 4Q tanks (as in I34Q) come and take a bunch of eleven-year-old kids to stay at "training" facilities. No one I've asked knows what T-school is actually for, same as the towers, same as all the 4Q stuff like I said before. An organic shape attached to the ground heads a classroom, gibbering except for the occasional english sentence (Phoenix said he also recognized some Cantonese). Mrs. Lough, who apparently also lives in the facility, tries to teach "formalist english," which is like english but the rules contradict themselves. You take notes on the behavior of a tank filled with inky fluid for four hours a week. One day a three-legged machine packs up your stuff and shepherds you to the gate.

I was ejected a year and a half after Phoenix. I went home on the bus and met him at burger king that afternoon. I caught a glimpse of him from outside. His hair was in long, tight braids. I felt self-conscious about the uncontrollable smile growing on my face. "Aco!" he said through a grin as I opened the glass door. A green poster advertised a meal made from "water beads," an I34Q plant thing.

"Dang," I said, grinning as I sat down. "Dang."

"You make it out? Fuck you to 4Q?" He'd stopped eating to greet me. His grin looked as uncontrollable as mine. Phoenix's nose was wide and flat, also like mine.

"Fork you, 4Q." I still felt nervous about cursing. I was fourteen. "How ya doing, Phoenix?"

"I'm good, I'm good. High school is interesting."

"Oh, man..."

"It's actually like, fucking nice to understand what's happening. But now there are actual smart kids and you actually get punished when you, y'know, mouth off. I'm like, I gotta get around to--" He swiped with his hand, bent his neck, and made a cracking sound with his mouth. I laughed. "Don't worry, I'll show you around. Maybe we'll have a class together."

- = -

We did have a class together. High school with Phoenix was fun, because I got to have a proper crush on him. Pining, sexuality, youthful obsession, yards and yards of it. It was weird, we kinda drifted--Phoenix hung out with kids that I was afraid of, I hung out with kids who played too many videogames. As our familiarity waned, I started seeing him differently. A foreign, adult desire began to penetrate me, replacing childish affection. It took me a while to realize that's what was happening.

It was a shame our familiarity waned, though, because Phoenix was really struggling, and I didn't see it. His friends were mean, when they weren't outright abusive. Not a lot of people liked him. I learned later that he started hurting himself when he was sixteen. Little cigarette burns, and then cuts. He got put on meds at seventeen--the wrong meds, for a year. He went to a psych ward when he was nineteen. His family did not have the money to pay for an extended stay. I still don't know exactly how that worked out. I do know he went into debt after his second stay two years later.

I wasn't doing too well myself, after I hit twenty-two. Something in me broke I guess. So when Phoenix told me he was going to travel to the Santitos digger and throw himself off a cliff, it didn't take me very long to ask if I could go with him.

- = -

"I... I didn't..." He paused for a long time. Ten seconds of silence feels unbearably long in a conversation, and I was quiet for fifteen. My teeth held each other tightly as his thoughts whirled. "I didn't..." He looked me in the eyes. There was an intensity to both our gazes. He'd stuck his jaw out, just a little. "I guess I did. I was, kinda, hoping you'd say that."

"Fuck," I said, looking away and down. "Fuck." I put a hand over my eyes, gripping my face as tears came.

"I'm gonna die," he said, beginning to smile and looking up. I felt the discomfort I'd felt since we were nine.

"Yeah, I wanna go, I wanna go," I said, pulling my hand away midway through and looking back at him with a force I didn't recognize.

He looked back at me and said, "I'm gonna die, and you're gonna die with me."

- = -

The Santitos digger is in northern California, in the Redwood national park. People have figured out the basic idea of what the digger is doing, unlike the towers or the T-schools: the digger is making a big hole. I'd heard that in some places it had dug more than a mile, almost straight down. Don't ask me how the digger would've done that. Don't ask me why it's called Santitos, either, since it's pretty big and not very saintly. Maybe it was the name of a town. Getting to the digger from Prince George County was about fifty hours.

"I figure we could do it in three days if we really fuck-you-pushed-it. But I'm planning on five." I craned my neck to look at Phoenix's cracked phone screen, where he'd pulled up the route.

Gas is expensive because 4Q takes most of it. Basically no one flies. Even in Phoenix's hybrid, it would be a thousand dollars to get to the west coast. But it's not like we'd need the money afterwards.

"We'll eat along the way," he continued. I bit my thumbnail. "I'm not picky, we'll just stop at wherever they won't run us out of town."

We'd sleep in the car. It was April, so temperature wouldn't be a concern. I packed a change of clothes, a water bottle, my meds, and a box cutter I'd stolen from my last job.

The next morning, he pulled his blue, dented '38 prius in front of my apartment building. I saw the car arrive out the window. There was an anxious pit in my stomach that deepened when I opened my front door. I didn't want anyone to see me. This is it, I thought, this is it, this is it. I repeated that phrase down the stairs. My landlord could fucking charge rent to my corpse, I could give a shit. This is it, I thought. That final T stretched to enrobe me. The sky was gray and wet. The sensation wasn't enough to rip me from my inwards reverie. I was about to get in the back of the car when Phoenix spoke. "That ain't it."

He was leaning out the window, regarding me coolly. "Morning. Shall we go?" I walked around the car and got in the front seat.

- = -

Virginia is beautiful once you get into the mountains, forested and rolling. I told Phoenix, "Once I read the Appalachians are millions of years old, and used to be taller than the Himalayas."

"No shit. Was there like an Everest? Where's the old Everest?"

"I don't know, I never heard anything about that. But yeah the continental plates looked totally different. And then things changed and the rain and wind and plants broke them down."

"Hah. Fucking awful. Just being broken down like that. I mean, it's better than what 4Q did to Everest."

I was quiet for a moment. "That's... the worst thing they did, right?"

"I dunno, dude, I think taking kids from their families is worse."

"No, right, right. But like... Everest was like... like everyone knew about Everest. When I was really little I had this big book about mountains and I read the bit on Everest so many times. And now it's like... they made it about them. And people lived in the Himalayas before 4Q came! It forced everyone out and carved a bunch of nonsense into it. A forever reminder that we're below them."

"Hah, literally. Hmmm. I still wouldn't say worst, but, I get what you mean. I'm so numb to it. It's good some people still care." Phoenix shrugged. "I mean I dunno. It doesn't matter much to me, at this point. But from an outside perspective it's good."

That first evening was alright. I drove Phoenix into a beautiful sunset. You hear the phrase "rode off into the sunset" and you think, what a nice ending, but it's not really an ending. If you're the cowboy you keep riding, and eventually the sky darkens and you have to set up camp and eat and sleep and wake up the next morning and eat and go riding again. A feeling of dread and desperation fills me when I think of surviving alone like that. Maybe I'd get used to it. The trip to Santitos was an attempt to write a story with a proper ending.

We didn't stop until we crossed into Illinois. We parked on the shoulder of a country road. I used the light in the car to look at the atlas we'd bought for when we didn't have cell service, and laughed. "We've been in five states today. Pretty good. Keep it up and we'll have visited every state by June."

"What the--?" Phoenix snorted, laughing. "You mean if we visit five states a day. Asshole."

I always giggled when he snorted and called me an asshole. "Hey, I'm just saying."

"Fucking dumb. Doesn't even work. You'd have to wake up in a different state than you fell asleep in." He caught my eye. The smile felt intimate, mutual. Born of sleepy exhaustion from a shared journey. I looked at the divot between his nose and upper lip.

I realized something. "Shit, I forgot to bring a blanket."

"Poor baby. You cold?"

"Hmm. I guess not really."

"Oh, you know what I do have..." He leaned towards me and reached toward the back seat. I watched his shirt stretch over his chest. Phoenix retrieved a big gray sweater. "Feel free to stretch it out."

My fingertips touched the back of his hands as I took the bundle. I did that on purpose. His skin was warmer than I expected, as skin always is. We tipped our seats back. Not the most comfortable, though the sweater would help, hopefully. I checked out Phoenix to see him on his side, looking at me and smiling. I let my own smile relax into me as I watched his eyes. His irises were a rich, beautiful brown. His skin was the color of cardboard in your childhood memories. I loved the way his smile wasn't symmetrical, wider on one side than the other. I carefully resisted scanning my gaze down his body. I actually saw his eyes flick down my form, instantaneously. His eyelids half-lowered, and then, horribly, what seemed to be a great tide of sadness overtook him. I watched him hold it back. I watched his smile mix with growing grief and fear, then bow to neutrality. He covered his gaze with his eyelids, breathed in, breathed out. "All right," he whispered, then opened his eyes. The gaze was gone. "Time to sleep." He sat up and turned off the light.

The sweater had a very particular, subtle smell to it. I guess it was his smell. I was desperately horny, yet blasted to pieces. A heady mix.

"I think I could fall in love with you, if things were a little different." He broke the silence, fifteen minutes later. "I probably would. But I'd cling to you like a fucking baby. And you're here, right?" He paused. For a response? I didn't give him one in time. "That's what I mean, codependent hell. I'd only be alive for you, and you'd only be alive for me, and then the second anything goes wrong we'd be right back here except I'd, fucking, direct all my shittiness at you... and you'd blame yourself."

I was quiet. "Ain't... ain't being codependent better than dying?"

"Hah! But that's what I'm saying, it doesn't change anything, it just leads us back here."

I fumbled for something. "Yeah but if it could... like stave it off..."

"Why is that good? The world is fucked, Acoatl, totally and truly fucked. Things don't get better from here, for me, for people. Should I beg? Stay here in misery out of some misplaced sense of morality? We're doing the only thing that makes sense."

I stayed quiet, not unconvinced. Sleep came, eventually, uncomfortably, anxiously.

- = -

The International Astronomical Union provisionally called it 8I/2034 Q1. I had to look that up. The eighth interstellar comet discovered, identified in 2034. I don't know what Q1 means. The name was briefly changed to 8I/Pasarati, for the research group that had discovered it, but by that time I34Q was clearly accelerating non-gravitationally and on an Earthbound trajectory. 8I/Pasarati is still in orbit, technically. You can see it through a telescope, it's like five miles across. But I34Q is the name for all of it, the craft that came to the surface, the life it brought with it, the structures it built, the war, all the consequences. No one can make any sense of it, except the one thing everyone knows: something else controls the world now.

- = -

I just barely remember waking up to switch seats in the morning, and then desiring nothing more than to return to sleep. Eventually Phoenix nudged me awake. "Hey." We were parked somewhere in Missouri. I'd slept all the way through the night and Phoenix's turn to drive. At least twelve hours, depending on when I actually fell asleep last night. I'd missed the big arch in St. Louis.

Phoenix was curt and reserved as I drove. I thought he was still thinking about last night, or angry at me for leaving him alone on his drive. Then he tilted his head back and began to gag. "My... heart..." Tears streamed down him face.

"Phoenix." I glanced back and forth between him and the road. There were abandoned cars on the shoulder; I couldn't pull over. "Phoenix, Phoenix, um."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, stop." He bent, heaved, and emitted a yowling, harsh retch. Nothing else left his mouth. "My heart..." He was breathing hard. A panic attack, I realized, stupidly too late.

"Do we have..." Panic attacks can be interrupted with certain intense sensations. The general goal is to increase awareness of the environment, focus the mind on the current moment rather than the future or past. Holding an ice cube can help. There were no ice cubes. I reached into the back seat for my water bottle, which would at least be cool. A truck behind us laid on the horn. I swerved back into my lane. "Sorry." Phoenix dry heaved again. It was a uniquely distressing sound.

I searched for the hazards, feeling useless. Far too much time passed before I found them and started slowing down. A different truck laid on a different horn. I was able to slip in a gap on the shoulder between an abandoned pickup and a rusting minivan.

I led Phoenix onto the tall grass beyond the asphalt, where he collapsed onto all fours. His torso flexed as he heaved. I put a hand on his back. "Phoenix, look at the trees." There were bushy, broken trees lining the sides of the highway, a vibrant green against the blue and white sky. "The, listen to the road." No, the road was stressing me the fuck out. "Listen to the grass waving, feel it." Stalks crumpled in his fists. I twisted my head and saw the tip of an I34Q tower peeking up over the treeline. "Look, a tower, just like when we were kids." Over the next few minutes, his breathing slowed, his heaving stopped. But the tears stayed. He sobbed away the panic. I read somewhere that tears actually contain different chemicals depending on the emotion causing them. Something to do with hormones I think.

He apologized to me. I would've done the same thing. I've done the same thing. So I got it, but felt indignant at having understood--he didn't need to apologize!

We got back on the road and listened to static on the radio. Sometimes the edge of a station would pass by, and we'd get fuzzy country, or christian rock. I changed it whenever there was a sermon. Sermons always come back to 4Q and they're always awful. The 4Q broadcasts are actually better than sermons about 4Q. They're kind of like static, anyway, totally unintelligible. We encountered more of them than I expected. Maybe static itself is a 4Q broadcast. I don't think that's right, I think static is like cosmic background radiation. But maybe 4Q has changed it somehow, like it used to be white noise and now it's blue noise, a different random distribution but still random.

"I'm off my meds," he said, as we rolled into darkness. The moon was a crescent, low on the western horizon. He spoke flatly and calmly. "I didn't even bring them with me. I thought you should know."

I hesitated. I wanted to voice this diplomatically. But then, we'd be dead in four days, anyway. "Is that why you had the attack?"

"No. I panic even on meds." That made sense. I remembered a few times in the past year when he'd canceled an event with little notice, or left early. "But I'm not a person right now, and that's definitely because I'm off my meds."

"You're not a person right now?"

"Yeah. It's called depersonalization. Also derealization, which is when nothing is real. Or that's how it feels, as I'm told. It's pretty freaky if I'm honest. You don't get the same emotional reaction from stuff. It feels like you're watching from somewhere else." He wasn't looking at me. He was looking down. "You're not you. You're not even real." He whispered. "Pretty freaky."

"Can I--do you--"

"Ahh, I'm coming out of it. Some of it is just recognizing that you're in it." He drew a knee up to his chest and shook his head. "Uhh, could you. Could you hold my hand. Touch helps."

I gripped the wheel with my left hand and held his palm with my right. It was warm and sweaty. I wish I could say that was okay. I felt miserable. I wanted to feel happy, holding his hand, comforting him. I didn't.

Sleep came quicker that night, though still uncomfortable, still anxious.

- = -

I slept late, again. I hadn't touched the chicken sandwich I'd gotten from a drive-thru last night. It had awful 4Q stuff on it anyway. I hadn't eaten in twenty-four hours, so I was pretty hungry, but I had no actual desire to eat. I'd deal with it later.

My own panic attack must've seemed similarly unbidden to Phoenix, though I felt it coming about an hour beforehand, and tried to stave it off. We were on I-80, driving through the hypnotizing flatness of Nebraska. Every ten or fifteen minutes I kept seeing this scarlet structure. It was like a giant, bloody caricature of a water tower, a skinny, triangular column maybe ten feet across and at least two hundred feet tall, supporting an enormous squashed sphere more than twice as wide as the column was tall. I'd watch it rise from the horizon, far too big. I'd never seen them before but guessed they must be 4Q. I started thinking we were somehow traveling in a loop, that my sense of direction was faulty and we were passing the same structure in the same field over and over again. Then I started thinking about how crazy that sounded. But I couldn't stop the thought.

I wanted to pull over but I couldn't stop anywhere in view of the structure, because it was watching me. Of course it wasn't, but I couldn't stop the thought that it was. Hell, maybe it was. Maybe only the mad can decode the purpose of I34Q stuff. I felt how hard I was breathing and glanced over at Phoenix, wondering why he hadn't said anything. He was staring down. He was probably disassociating again, I realized later, but at the time all I knew was that I was alone.

I get angry at myself after my attacks. I feel so stupid. Phoenix apologized to me that night, which made me feel even stupider. I couldn't wait to get to the Santitos digger.

- = -

The next day was bad. Quiet, lonely, and frustrated. A further reminder of the reasons. I saw patches of 4Q purple grass climbing up the Rockies. We both took long shifts and entered Redwood park just after midnight.

- = -

I read a story once about a man that was falling in the dark. He was falling so far that he would die instantly when he hit the ground. He realized that his brain wouldn't have time to process the impact, or even the few moments before. And he couldn't see the ground. He couldn't see anything. All that was left in the world was him and his death. I wondered if Phoenix had read the same story, and was hoping for a similar effect, coming here at night. Of course, we got it wrong. There were clouds, burgundy with light pollution, and every few minutes a star would gaze through; an unearthly glow was cast up from distant pieces of the digger.

Some parts of the digger looked like the towers, spinning and shifting. Some parts looked like exposed microelectronics, cables sutured to shiny terminals of minute complexity. Some parts were just made of asphalt blocks, cream-, gray-, and lime-colored pebbles tightly embedded in dark tar. Distant redwoods, many damaged by fire, ringed the horizon. The Santitos digger was less an object and more a place.

I felt wordlessly close to Phoenix as we scrambled over asphalt, looking for a pit. We touched each other frequently in our effort, to assist, to communicate. We'd have to give each other boosts, lift each other up, look for alternate routes. This place was not made for people.

Finally we came upon a deep canyon. I had half a mind to walk off the edge immediately. But both Phoenix and I stopped to regard it.

I couldn't tell if the rumors were true. You could only see maybe a hundred yards down before the walls of the abyss disappeared into ink. Or, not ink--not blackness, either. People are black. This was something else. The most prominent features were the semi-perceivable red blotches left on my optic nerve after gazing at one of the digger's glowing sectors. The unknowable told me nothing. It just revealed the flaws of my being. Maybe we would achieve our effect after all.

"This is it," I said, elliptically. The beginning is the end. If you take out the 'h' that phrase is a palindrome. "That was the first thing I said out of the door before I got into your car on Saturday. If you take out the 'h' the phrase is a palindrome. The beginning is the end. This is elliptical. This is it."

"That ain't it." He was regarding me coolly.

I laughed.

He was angry. "Are you fucking kidding me? The point of this thing, the whole fucking point is you do it in your right mind. You're letting your madness make the decision for you. You have to make the decision!"

I found that extremely funny. I laughed harder.

"Shut up! Fuck!"

"What's a right mind?" I asked, still grinning. "There's no such thing anymore. Even when it was a thing, all it meant was the most socially-acceptable, capital-promoting mind. Now? The world doesn't fit us anymore. The human condition is inconvenient to its purpose. 4Q can't even train us. The right mind is a dead one. You want a right mind, go ahead." I gestured at the abyss. That's what I did.

He stepped forward. He stepped forward. A foot hung above the end.

I don't know what I would've done if he had lowered that foot, changing his balance, tipping him forward. Jumping in after him wouldn't have felt right. Maybe I'd have gone back to those red eyes in Nebraska and begged for them to torture me. Maybe his idiosyncrasies would have been repelled by the unknowable, flowing away from his body and into me, and I'd be lost forever in a derealized paranoia. Maybe I'd have gotten in the car and driven back home.

His foot remained, hanging, the edge a gallows. "Suicide is about pain. It's the ultimate response to ongoing distress. I never wanted you to be normal. I just didn't want you to be in pain. In a twisted way, I guess I thought, if this was your way of dealing with pain, I wasn't going to stop you. That is your right. I feel like that has to be your right." His balance was incredible. He remained still, a tree without wind. "But you can be abnormal, you can be a bad fit for the world, you can be utterly broken, and you can still live without pain." We're both crying. Tears descend into the pit.

| ' , |

I do think madness is the right way to understand I34Q. I feel this mysteriously. I wonder what it would be like if I tried going to T-school while embracing my altered states, living in them. I suspect Phoenix would have more success, being more comfortable with unreality. Not that either of us would participate in whatever hegemony 4Q perpetuates. More that we'd figure out what it wanted, and how to resist. I've been thinking about this a lot. Maybe other people are, too. We need to find each other.

Phoenix and I wandered north. We found this incredible queer community in Oregon, with actual traditions and mechanisms to deal with communal trauma. I can't say anything about the world, the world is unknowable. But I think there's hope for us.

Phoenix and I are together, now, in a way I can't quite name. We did finally make love. That was beautiful. But we don't live together. I make love to other people, sometimes, and he does the same. Sometimes I'll go a week or two without seeing him, without notice. Sometimes I'll go a few days without even thinking about him. I love him, and I tell him that, and he says the same to me, though both of us have admitted that we don't know what that means.

We still panic. I still get paranoid. Phoenix disassociates. He's been using the state to make art. I think about I34Q and write down what I think. I'm pretty good at eating regularly, even if I don't feel like it. I don't know if we're living without pain. I think maybe that's a pretty tall order. But I don't want to kill myself anymore. So I think that's pretty good.

[Ed.: have this little treat. It takes me about the length of this playlist to read the story.]

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5VD5lJJqNUJsITPj3Rg8Sn?si=d262096479104d4f

[hugging-jjba-characters]

If you’re doing requests can you do the Crusaders caring for an s/o who is recovering from minor surgery (doesn’t have to be specific) cause ya girl is in a lot of pain atm 🥺🖤

Sorry this took me a while to get to, sweetheart. I got some help from @junosartsthetic . I hope it still helps! 

Jotaro 

Will force you to stay in bed, doesn’t let you do anything at all. Might insist on feeding you too 

He doesn’t listen to any complaints about food or beverage options

Won’t budge against your puppy dog eyes

“You’re eating this because it’s good for you and that’s final.”

“But--”

“No.”

He means well but will be strict and harsh with your doctors advice about caring for you

“Your doctor says I should change your bandages now.”

“My doctor also says you shouldn’t put stress onto me or yell at me.”

“Shut up.”

“See! Like that!” 

He wants you to feel comfy of course but he also wants you to recover as quickly as possible so things can go back to normal and he doesn’t have to worry as much

Wouldn’t admit it but he was a little scared of complications happening during the surgery and now he just really wants to make sure you don’t get infected or strain your injury 

Kakyoin 

Tries to distract you from pain with video games and memes. Or by reciting info about something 

Surprisingly knows a lot about what to do, just bc he’s got so much random knowledge in his brain

Like for some reason he knows all possible signs of infection and how to take care of any stitches you might have

He uses big medical words sometimes

Just ask him to translate 

Does whatever it takes to make you comfortable and in less pain

Whatever you ask him to do, he’ll do

“Do you need anything else?”

“No, Nori. I’m still good. Nothing has changed since you asked me five minutes ago.”

“You sure?”

“You know what? I do need something.”

“What is it?”

“Stop talking. I’m trying to nap.”

“Oh. Sorry…….. Need another pillow?”

“I SWEAR TO GOD--”

Try not to kill him, he just cares about you too much

Avdol 

You need a heating pad?

He’s got you

Will check your surgery wounds and make sure they’re healing properly

Becomes your very own nurse tbh

Will make you soup

He’ll also play soothing music to keep you calm despite the pain

Gets you a stuffed animal from the hospital gift shop or somethin

He will walk you through different types of yoga and breathing exercises which can alleviate pain

Helps you with baths because hes sweet like that 

He’ll also show you cool tricks with his stand’s flames and read your fortune just for fun

He’ll let you try to read his

But insists you get your own cards

“Here. Pick a card.”

“These are pokemon cards.”

If you get a Bidoof it means fuck you.”

Polnareff 

Has no idea what hes doing, probably panics when you tell him you’re in pain because he wants to help but has no idea how 

He isn’t exactly a medic, normally he was the one having his wounds treated 

Will offer to change your bandage(s) but will flinch when looking at your wound

“Eek. That looks painful.”

“It is.”

He’ll take you around the hospital and such in a wheelchair

Might get yelled at by the hospital staff for running around pushing a wheelchair but it’s fine

He means well

He’ll try to make you laugh to get your mind off the pain

Turns out laughing after surgery hurts

“I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay. I didn’t realize laughing would hurt me, either.”

Ends up attempting to teach you some French to take your mind off your surgery

When it’s all said and done you actually know quite a bit

Joseph 

Also doesn’t know what hes doing but he’s much better than pol 

If you ask him to get you something like pain meds at the store he’ll get like twelve different brands and you didn’t even know there were that many kinds of pain med 

Buys you ice cream immediately after you get out of the hospital even though you're not supposed to eat it

If you were high on meds when you got out, he probably recorded you acting loopy and found it hilarious to mess with you 

He’s also the type to freak you out by screaming when checking your wounds

“Oh my God!”

“What is it?!”

“Nothing. It looks fine.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Why not?”

[anotherwellkeptsecret]

Alrighty. Time to type up my surgery and recovery experience. 

When I got my pacemaker two years ago, I spent a year (almost exactly) drawing a comic called Change of Pace, which helped me kinda process what happened to me. You can read the comic here if you’re interested. It’s largely all true, aside from the love story part. Tsk.

I don’t think I’m going to be drawing out this experience. It was completely different. I’ve been expecting a surgery of this nature since I was nineteen, when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. So, in a way, this stint in the hospital was harder, more personal. The pacemaker was an emergency. The colon resection was some time coming. Not as much trauma, really. Not as much confusion about what was happening and why. But I still feel like telling the story, purging it from my mind. 

I was scheduled for surgery on Monday, the 18th of November. I took off work that Friday so I could have my pre-op bloodwork done and I also took off Sunday so I could start the colon prep. If you don’t know what a colon prep is, God bless you. You basically drink a crap ton (lol) of laxative and spend all night pooping until you poop clear. The easiest version is the Miralax version. If you have to have a colonoscopy, ask for the Miralax. I promise, you don’t want the Go-Lightly.

The day before prep, my friend took me climbing in Memphis to keep my mind off of things. We also went to IKEA. It was helpfully distracting. I had Swedish meatballs. 

I was meant to “technically” start the prep at midnight Saturday by not eating anything until surgery on Monday. Beginning to drink the Miralax sometime around noon on Sunday. I didn’t get that far. 

I got righteously sick Saturday night. My back was killing me and I was very nauseous and dizzy. I knew what was going on even before I started throwing up. I had a bowel obstruction. The second one in my life. I’d had one once before in March and jeeze. It hurt like a son of a bitch. I’m not sure if every bowel obstruction feels the same way, but mine certainly did. If you find yourself having these symptoms, please go to the ER. Bowel obstructions are no joke. You can go septic, which is incredibly dangerous. 

Nausea, feeling like you’re going to pass out, vomiting bile, severely upset stomach, cold sweats, and my back was aching something awful. I assume it was because my stomach was cramping so badly, my back muscles were spasming.  

I live with my mother. Have done since I’ve been getting sick so regularly. I woke her up and she took me to the hospital. 

The first time I had a bowel obstruction, I thought something was wrong with my heart. (The cold sweats, the nausea.) They rushed me to the back immediately. This time, I knew it was an obstruction, not my heart, and I said as much. They don’t tend to be in as much of a hurry when you don’t mention your heart. Didn’t realize that. I’m also not entirely sure they were convinced I did have a bowel obstruction. I’m sure plenty of people walk into an ER saying random stuff for random reasons, but yeah. I was very slowly processed. I remember them taking my blood pressure and because it wasn’t high at all, I imagine they thought I was full of shit. Figuratively, not literally. Because I was, literally. Whatever. 

My blood pressure normally runs very low. I can also take a lot of pain, because I’m on a first name basis with pain. They didn’t take my pain seriously because my blood pressure wasn’t high, I guess. Not my fault I’m a badass.

I sat in the waiting room until I started vomiting bile again. I also pooped all over myself in the processes. Which I didn’t think you could do if you were obstructed, but you live and you learn! 

That’s when they got in a hurry. I was making a huge mess. 

They got me a paper gown and I cleaned myself up as best as I could before the CAT scan, which proved I was, in fact, obstructed. 

So there I was, in the ER, very very early on the Sunday morning before my surgery Monday. I was admitted and my doctor contacted. Since the surgery was so close at hand, they agreed it was best to wait until the scheduled time to do the surgery. I’d stopped vomiting so there was no need for an NG tube this time. Those things suck.

Got admitted. Got a room. Tried to sleep. My surgeon came in and we talked. Got everything situated. At one point my mother told me there was a girl down the hall who’d just had a colon resection if I wanted to talk to her. She was sitting int he hallway with her sisters, eating her dinner. Poor thing had been in the hospital for almost a month. 

I spoke with her a bit. I’m not entirely sure what happened. Whether it was nerves or if I was hurting, but I almost passed out in the hallway. I hadn’t experienced anything of that nature since I had my pacemaker put in. The whole point of the pacemaker was to prevent me from passing out altogether. But I didn’t pass out so...I suppose that means it’s working?

I also pooped on myself that night while I slept. First time that’d ever happened. It was then I knew that I’d literally gone as long as I could before I needed surgery. I couldn’t wait any more. I’d been so stressed out over in the idea that I maybe didn’t need the surgery. That I was being pitiful and my case wasn’t that bad. I could tough it out if I really wanted. I realized what a dumbass I was for thinking those thoughts, but hindsight is 20/20. 

Monday dawned and surgery rolled around. Took forever. I was basically watching the clock tick the minutes by until transport fetched me. I was wheeled down to pre-op where they gave me a hair net. I don’t remember getting a hair net for the pacemaker surgery. 

I signed some paperwork and a lady told me she was going to get me ready. She said she was going to give me a nerve block in my stomach. I was like, “Cool, right on.” Until I saw the needle. 

Holy fuck. That needle. 

“You’re going to give me that when I’m asleep, right?”

“I’m going to give you some ‘I don’t care’ juice.” 

“Oh, thank God. I probably won’t remember this then.” 

“Probably not.” 

In went the ‘I don’t care’ juice. I got really dizzy. 

They swabbed my belly with iodine. 

They prepped the needle. 

I was still very much awake. 

I said, “Guys...” Because at this point there were several people standing over me. Like five. “...I’m still cognizant.” 

Yeah, I used the word cognizant. That’s how fucking cognizant I was. 

Not sure if they heard me. Or if they replied. I was really dizzy. 

In went the needle. 

And ow. OW. 

In went the needle again. One stick on each side of my belly. 

The ‘I don’t care’ juice must have been working in some way because while I remember the pain, I don’t remember the panic. I certainly would have panicked if I didn’t have that juice pumping through me. So that was a thing. 

I fell asleep soon thereafter. Couldn’t have been like...a minute earlier? Really? 

I remember waking up in recovery with the pacemaker. I remember the pressure, the nurse asking me questions. I remember being wheeled back to my room. I don’t remember jack shit about recovery after the colon resection. I don’t remember being wheeled back to my room. I apparently asked for my mom, but I don’t remember doing that either. 

I do remember, however, turning over on my side. Because ouch. But I did it anyway and kept doing it because I’m a determined asshole. Monday night was very hazy. I was high as fuck, probably. 

Tuesday: Not a good day. I was in a lot of pain. They gave me hydros, but the hydros weren’t touching it. Felt like I was taking Tylenol. And I have a very very VERY low tolerance for pain meds. They wouldn’t give me any morphine because my blood pressure was too low. (Again, badass?? Maybe?? IDK man my blood pressure just runs really low.) Which makes sense, because that’s dangerous, but I was in agony. I begged for morphine. I pleaded with the nurse to give me morphine. She would not. 

My mother got angry. I’m not one to complain. And my threshold for pain is admittedly pretty stout. I was hurting and no one was doing anything to help. My mother got ANGRY. 

I think they must’ve finally given me some morphine, but I don’t remember. Morphine also didn’t help. Didn’t even make a dent in the pain I was feeling. They kept giving me hydros every couple of hours to no avail. I remember I asked for a heating pad for my back. Barely. The nurse did give me one, but said I could only have it for an hour? Very fuzzy.

The tech forgot to...do something with my catheter because my urine got everywhere. The nurse that found me like that called the floor manager. I hated to, but I did report that my pain wasn’t kept in check. I was hurting so badly I actually reported one of the nurses. The one that wouldn’t give me morphine. I felt horrible about it, but I was also nearly in tears I hurt so bad. 

Hell, the pain was so intense at one point my mother called my family. Like, they thought something was wrong. Very very wrong. The doctor called for some kind of scan while I was in bed. They put a board behind my back. I was writhing, I remember. My family gathered in the hospital to see me in case I had to go back to surgery. In case I wasn’t going to do well. 

It was scary.

The next set of nurses figured out the problem when the scan revealed nothing out of the ordinary. My back was spasming. Horribly. When I sat up and they felt of me, they were shocked to find my back riddled with knots. It felt like knuckles underneath my skin. The new nurses got me some hella icy hot with pain killer and rubbed me down. 

It helped tremendously. My back stopped freaking out, which gave my abdominal muscles time to rest.

At last, I wasn’t hurting. At last, I slept. 

Wednesday and Thursday were spent trying to keep my back under control. At one point I vomited all over my bed due to acid reflux. I paged the nurse to ask for some acid reflux medicine and puked all over the place while I was on the call with her lol.

I never once had any issue with my incision. My entire trouble, the whole time, was from my back. And nausea. And lemme tell ya. Vomiting with a six inch incision on your abdomen? OW.

Getting up and walking? Easy enough. Getting up and going to the bathroom? No problem. Spongebath? Piece of cake. But God my back. 

I managed to poop for the doctors. Fantastic. 

And finally, finally, I got to have food. 

I went from about 5:00PM Saturday to 12:00PM Friday without having anything to eat or drink. I had an IV, and I could eat ice chips if I desperately needed to wet my mouth, but yeah. I hardly had any ice chips. Weird to imagine you can go that long without food and be alright. 

I proved I could eat GI soft food on Saturday and they let me go home.

Got my staples removed the following Tuesday. Had some steri strips applied. Just waiting for them to fall off on their own. 

And here I am. Just lounging, waiting to get my strength back. It’s much easier to draw after this surgery than the pacemaker one. Thank God. I’m slow moving and my stomach hurts a bit when my contents shift, but other than that I’m doing swimmingly. I can’t lift anything over ten pounds until the new year. Not sure when I’ll be able to drive, either. I’ll find out soon. 

This surgery was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Mentally and physically. Mentally because I’ve been struggling with Crohn’s since I was a teenager. I’m 32 now. Half my life I’ve been at war with my own body, drowning in the pain it leashes on itself. It’s been a long road. I hope this spells the end of it. Or at least, the rest of the journey is all downhill.

I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’ll gain it back. Just takes time.

[imagine-loki]

Monsters and Magic

TITLE: Monsters and Magic

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 88/?

AUTHOR: nekoamamori

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine you’re a vampire who helps the Avengers defeat an evil seethe of other vampires, and Loki befriends you after you end up in their custody

RATING: T 

NOTES/WARNINGS:  Also on AO3 click here

Thor dragged the gunman to the containment cells while your mom prepared to explain things to the team.  Bucky and Nat both jumped off the couch in the common room and rushed over to where Loki teleported in with you in his arms, before he could escape with you to the medical wing. 

“She’s covered in blood, what happened?” Nat demanded as she looked you over, while Loki held you.  She’d had more than enough experience as a combat medic, and Bucky had the training too. Plus, they both had a soft spot for you.  

“A soon to be dead man decided to shoot her after the movie premiere. Our actor counterparts are taking care of the police. Her mother and I healed her as best we could. I would just prefer to have her looked over again just to be safe,” Loki explained to them. His words were getting slow as the exhaustion was starting to catch up with him.  He had used too much magic, though he wouldn’t admit it.  

Bucky looked him over with concern.  “You’re dead on your feet, Loki.” His use of Loki’s real name instead of a stupid nickname meant that he was serious.  He moved to take you out of Loki’s arms before Loki dropped you.  “You need to rest. The gunman will still be in the containment cells. Nat and I can look over our girl,”

Loki wanted to argue.  He desperately wanted to keep you in his arms and make sure you were ok for himself, but he knew that Bucky was right.  He was dead on his feet and needed rest.  He handed you over to Bucky, however reluctantly. You were half-asleep or more and barely noticed, besides giving Loki a small mew when you were no longer in his arms. His expression saddened at seeing you in Bucky’s arms, but he knew this was for the best. You’d be grumpy if you were dropped, especially after being so injured.  “Come get me as soon as she wakes again. Please,” Loki told Bucky.  He tried to be polite, but it was still an order.  

Bucky nodded.  “You know she’s safe with us,” he reminded the god. He and Nat would never let anything happen to you. 

Loki kissed your forehead before he headed off to get some rest.  Bucky and Nat took you to the med room to look you over.  They determined that you were alright since your mother had healed you and took you up to your own room and bed.  Nat helped you get cleaned up and into pajamas and let you sleep in your own bed.  You were dead on your feet from the healing and the gunshot wound and didn’t argue with them when they got you tucked into bed.

They both kept guard over you while you slept.  They both loved and cared for you, which was enough for them to do it anyway, but Loki also trusted them with your care and safety.  Loki didn’t trust easily, but he did trust Bucky and Nat.  They’d earned that trust time and time again.  

*

It was a few hours later when you woke again, dazed and disoriented still, but knowing something was wrong and that you had to find your Loki.  Nat tried to keep you in bed, but it was no use when you were fretting so much over your Loki.  She sighed heavily and supported you on the short trip across the hall as you were still to exhaustion-drunk to walk there on your own.  Loki’s wards let the pair of you in without pause.  

“Loki, sorry to wake you, but sestricka wouldn’t calm until she could see for herself that you’re ok,” Nat said into the room as you two crossed the threshold.  She made a distressed noise when you managed to escape her grip to rush to Loki’s bed and climb in to join him.  You wrapped your arms worriedly around him.  He had been awake from the second you opened his bedroom door with Nat.  

Loki wrapped his arms around you, gripping you to him and sighed in relief that you were alright.  “I’m alright, dearheart. I’m just relieved you are too,” he told you and pressed a kiss to your forehead.  He glanced to Nat by the door and Bucky who had followed.  “Thank you both,” he said earnestly, grateful that they’d helped you and cared for you when he couldn’t.  With that, the assassin both stepped into the hall and closed the door, leaving you with your Loki. 

“You’re ok!” You exclaimed, worried over him.

“I’m fine, darling. How are you feeling?” Loki asked, pulling back enough to look you over.

“I’m ok. Tired,” you admitted softly, which was a bit of an understatement. “Don’t remember much except that fucking hurt… and he called me your wife.” That was unimportant, but it had somehow stuck in your mind anyway and you were drunk on exhaustion and healing magics and weren’t exactly watching what you were saying.  

“He must have seen how much we love each other and just assumed,” Loki replied, pulling you back to him tighter.  “I’m just glad you’re alright.”

You smiled up at him a bit dazedly.  “Glad you’re ok too,” you told him and held him just as tightly.  You remembered something and looked up at him confused.  “Did mom show up? How did mom show up?” You asked him stupidly.  You really were drunk on exhaustion.  Or magic.  It was hard to tell.

“She did, but I am not sure how she knew. I am just extremely relieved she did,” Loki replied and kissed your forehead.

“How dead is that asshole?” You asked, a bit viciously for how you usually were.  But then again the guy had shot you. 

“Not dead yet. But he will be soon,” Loki told you.  He let you go and started to try to climb out of the bed to head to the containment cells and deal with the man who had tried to kill you.

You nodded, but didn’t let him go. “You’ll be ok?” You asked, worried about him.  You knew he would want you to stay in his room where you’d be safe, but that didn’t keep you from worrying about him.

Loki nodded. “I’ll be fine, but I need to go take care of this.” The sooner the man was dead, the better.

“Are you taking Bucky and Nat with you?” You asked, not quite wanting to be alone.

Loki considered. “Bucky maybe. I might need his assistance,”

You nodded and moved to get off the bed with him, intent on not being alone.  The two assassins were still in the hall outside Loki’s room.  They’d only been giving you privacy until Loki came to tell them what you needed.  Loki was relieved they were there.  “Kiborg, would you be willing to come help me with something?” Loki asked with a glint in his eyes that Bucky knew meant that Loki wanted help killing the man who had hurt you. 

Bucky nodded, knowing what was being asked, and still keeping his tone light and easy. “Sure ved'ma, what’d ya need?” He asked with a touch of teasing, a lightness to his tone for your benefit.  He didn’t want to worry or upset you when he saw how you were wrapped around Loki.  

“We have some interrogation to do. Lady Natasha, would you be willing to watch over my kitten while Kiborg and I are busy?” Loki asked, polite as ever to Nat.

“I’ll keep her company,” Nat reassured him and managed to pry you off of your Loki.  “C’mon sestrichka, we’ll wait for the boys in the common room.” At least Nat was smart enough to know that unless Loki used magic to make you sleep, you were going to stay up fretting regardless of what anyone told you to do.  

Bucky and Loki headed off to the containment cells while Nat led you to the common room to wait for them. You weren’t in any shape to join the interrogation and you knew it, despite how you didn’t like it.  Besides, you didn’t really want to watch Loki kill someone brutally. 

The guys found the gunman in one of the cells very bruised, but otherwise unharmed. Your mom and Thor were standing guard. “Has he said anything?” Loki asked when he and Bucky joined the pair by the gunman’s cell.

“Some unseemly things about my prince,” your mom growled, falling back into Asgardian habits when speaking, though she remained speaking English for Bucky’s benefit.  “But nothing useful. We were saving the proper interrogation for until you got here,” 

Loki smirked, malice dripping off of him.  He looked like a predator and fear filled the man’s eyes.  “Then let us continue,” his voice was just as malicious as his smirk, a croon of something dark and wicked. 

Your mom’s wicked smile mirrored Loki’s own as she inclined her head, looking just as regal as Loki or Frigga ever did, but with a cold anger.  It wasn’t the hot anger of emotion, of normal every day injustices.  This was the frozen anger of deep rage.  Her rage and power seemed to emanate from her.  She felt like the most powerful person in the room, even with the princes, her princes, there as well.  A mother’s rage over an injustice to her daughter was a thing to be feared and all three men had a healthy respect for an angry mother and for her power.  “Mayhaps he will learn before he dies that he should not cross the mages Asgard…” she said icily.  

Even the man in the cell had the sense of mind to flinch from her, to cower from her power and anger.  

Bucky leaned over to whisper in Loki’s ear.  “Your future mother in law is scary,”

Loki didn’t dare disagree with that point, but where Bucky had a hint of fear at your mother’s rage, Loki only had admiration for her, and for you, knowing where you got your spine and power.  

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Camila Mendes//Twenty Minutes

Request: Camila menses x reader where she takes care of r after they break their arm and their leg in like the upper thigh

Okay, so I decided I’d do this as a headcanon because it fit better and I like headcannons. I hope you like it either way! 

- Okay, so Camila would be at work or hanging out with friends when her phone would ring

- Her face would light up when she’d see your face flash up on the screen 

- Like the literal definition of the heart eyes emoji

- The two of you had only been dating for a few months 

- So you were still in that ‘honeymoon’ stage 

- Anyway

- So she’s super excited to hear from you because she’s been missing you all day

- And so she excuses herself from whatever conversation is happening around her and answer the call all cheerily 

- ‘Hey baby! I missed you!’

- She was literally so happy to hear from you

- Basically, her most favourite person in the world

- But then you wouldn’t reply...

- A man would

- And to say she was confused, would be one hell of an understatement

- ‘Hello? Is this Miss Camila Mendes?’

- The voice would be all serious and time would stop 

- Everything bad that could have possibly happened, would be running through her head

- You’re dead

- You’re dying 

- You’re in a coma

- You’ve broken every single bone in your body

- And then she’d realize that she hadn’t replied to this man

- So she’d stutter out a small ‘yeah’

- And the man would tell her that you’d been involved in an accident and that you’d been brought into hospital

- And her heart would stop

- Now a whole new set of questions would run through her head.

- What type of accident?

- Were you dead?

- Could they tell you that over the phone?

- But she’d shake the thoughts from her head, mainly for her own sanity

- And tell the man she’d be right there before hanging up

- Rather abruptly 

- Which she would feel bad about before remembering that you could be dead

- So she grabs her stuff and basically runs out of wherever she was

- She’ll text an apology later.

- She just needs to know that you’re okay

- She makes it to the hospital in like twenty minutes

- Like, she was running red lights

- And what’s a parking space? 

- Who knows?

- Not her

- And then finally she gets to the hospital

- Twenty minutes too long after she got the phone call

- Her heart is literally in her throat

- Her hair is a mess because of how much she’s ran her fingers through it

- ‘I’m here for Y/n Y/l/n’

- Her voice would be shaky because well she’s been on the verge of tears for about half an hour

- But the man at the reception would give her a reassuring smile before directing her to your room

- She would recognize that it was the man from the phone and she’d remember to thank him this time 

- Before running off down the corridor

- And then she’d get there

- Her hand hovering over the handle... 

- Her breath caught in her throat

- She has no idea what she’s walking into

- What state you’re going to be in

- But she wants to see you

- She needs to see you

- She takes a deep breath and opens the door

- She’s expecting the worst 

- With wires and tubes coming out of you

- But there you are

- Lying on the bed with your arm and thigh in matching bright yellow casts

- And you’re high off your ass on pain meds

- ‘Hi babyyyyyy’

- Your voice is slurred and bubbly

- And she furrows her eyebrows because what the fuck?

- This isn’t what she was expecting 

- She thought you would be at deaths door 

- Not giggling at a wall and happy 

- ‘I thought you were dead’ She’d say as she approached your bed

- ‘Me? Nah. I’m invincible.’ You’d say casually and she’s just stare at you like

- ‘...’

- But she’d recover quickly because you’re not dead!

- And so she’s ask what happened and you’d turn to her, a soft smile on your face and say

- ‘Oh you knowww. I was just coming home and then a car hit me and then someone gave me an injection and now you’re here.’

- Her jaw would drop

- ‘You got hit by a car?!!’

- The man never said that.

- He could have prepared her

- She thought you’d just fallen or tripped or something

- But no

- A whole ass car had smashed into her baby

- And you genuinely could have died

- So she starts to get upset 

- And you’re so confused as to why she isn’t as happy as you are

- (because she isn’t on pain meds ya dumbass)

- But you’re like ‘oh no. my baby. whats wrong?’

- And you’d move along so she could sit beside you on the bed

- Well, first you’d welp in pain and she would be next to you in an instant

- ‘Are you okay?’

- ‘Do you need a doctor?’

- ‘Some water?’

- ‘What do you need?’

- You’d look at her with wide eyes and a pout

- And say in a small voice 

- ‘cuddles?’

- Which of course she would agree to

- Her arms would wrap around you gently and from then on she’d refuse to leave your side

- She would do literally everything for you

- Even at the hospital

- ‘You do know that the people that work here are paid to look after me. Like for some of them thats literally their job.’

- ‘Yeah, but I like looking after you sooooo?’

- And of course this doesn’t stop when you get home

- She would wheel you out of the hospital and help you into the car

- Then she would help you up to your apartment and onto the sofa

- She’s already sent one of your friends round to make sure your apartment was good enough for you coming home

- And to get your favourite movie and snacks ready 

- ‘I was gonna throw a party but I thought it might be too much’

- ‘Good call babe.’

- ‘I’ll just throw one when you’re better’

- ‘Of course’

- As soon as you were settled she would wrap her arms around you again

- And she would refuse to be the one being cuddled 

- Because she needed to hold you to remind herself that you were still here

- And that you hadn’t died

- And then she’d start to get upset thinking about it

- Because you had only been together for a few months but she was already smitten

- And so were you with her so it was okay

- She was the first person to sign your cast 

- ...both of them 

- And they both had stupid messages/jokes written on them 

- She basically moved into your apartment 

- ‘to look after you’

- But when you were better she just didn’t leave

- Which you of course didn’t mind

- You loved spending everyday with your favourite person

- So maybe getting hit by a car wasn’t so terrible 

- (I mean it was, but ya know. You’d take on 100 cars for her. But if you say that to her she calls you stupid)

- Anyway

- She didn’t let you do anything for yourself 

- You wanted food?

- She’s getting it

- Even if she has to go to the store at 2am

- And you’d tell her that you could just wait until morning to get it yourself

- Would she listen?

- No

- You want the TV channel changing?

- She’s already up getting the remote

- (even if its literally right next to you)

- You need to pee?

- She’s helping you stand up before you even have the chance to finish your sentence

- And she’s constantly finding ways to touch you and be close to you

- Like with the cuddles 

- But its not just cuddles 

- Kissing?

- Hell yes. All the time 

- ‘to fix your injuries’

- Hand holding?

- Constantly

- But she has to make sure she’s sat on the right side of you so she’s holding your ‘good’ hand

- But after that cast comes off, she’s making up for lost time (in more than one way)

- She made the mistake of holding the hand on your broken arm 

- And when you cried in pain because she knocked it

- She actually cried

- And don’t get me started when she accidentally knocked your thigh

- She refused to go anywhere near you for a good day and a half 

- Even going as far as putting a pillow wall in-between the two of you in bed so she couldn’t hurt you

- But when she fell asleep you took it down (obviously)

- Telling her when she woke up that it ‘must have fallen down’

- Basically she did everything for you

- And she made sure you were okay

- And in no pain

- And not mentally scared by ‘almost dying’

- Protective girlfriend mode 

- Because she loves you and she was so worried when she got that phone call

- So she’s going to do everything she can to stop anything like that happening to you again

- Which of course you don’t mind

- Because you love her too

[bots-and-cons]

I need to rant so if you don't feel like reading then don't.

Anyway, I was supposed to do math the whole summer, but I've only gotten 2/10 tasks done for my assignment and I have a month left to finish the whole course. I suck at math and I have no fucking motivation for anything, I'm burnt out and so exhausted you wouldn't believe it.

Instead of doing math I have continued my BNHA/MHA fic and I'm now on like page 88 of it. I kinda hate that I've been doing everything but what I was supposed to do. It's up to date with the anime now so I'll probably continue it once the new season of the anime comes out.

I've been considering getting hospitalized again, because I don't want to deal with anything and I feel like clowning around with my medication. Like a lorazepam overdose or something. The last time I spent a few days at the mental health facility and other than dying of boredom it was fine. I got to keep my laptop and phone too so it wasn't that bad. It was an open ward, (I guess that's what you'd call it in english?) so it was pretty chill.

I feel like my writing hasn't been as good as I would like it to be lately and I've mostly been writing HCs even though I feel like I should be writing scenarios. I really don't want to disappoint anyone and I feel like if I can't get my shit together that's what's gonna happen.

And I very strongly feel like my parents are disappointed in me already for still not graduating. I hope to graduate this December but I'm scared I'm not gonna pass my huge math exam, which determines if I can graduate. I'm gonna fuckin hate myself if I don't graduate, and I just might drop out of school. I've been playing with that thought for months, but I can't tell my parents because they would murder me (well not really but ya know).

I feel like having a damn breakdown, but I can't really just choose to do that, it just kinda happens when it happens. I want to fucking cry and I'm gonna take a few extra sedatives/lorazepams today so I can sleep. Not enough to do damage or anything but enough to knock me out.

Something reminds me of that one time I took so many meds my dad almost couldn't wake me up the next morning, fun times. I was so out of it after I finally woke up I couldn't even stand, so don't do drugs people, it's not good for you.

[the-ghost-king]

Hey bro you're studying meds?

Alright this is a bit of a complicated issue.

So my school offers free college programs through it, and the students are able to take 101 classes (the medical class also offers 201 classes). Taking this would earn me a college credit without having to pay for the classes (fuck America- ya feel?) and as long as I pass 101 I would take 201.

I took a short (week long) introductory course a while ago for the class (I’ve been trying to get in it 4 years but there’s an age cap) and even placed the class on my schedule and got approved to take the course (the college classes are “fought over” a lot because everyone wants them so they take the highest weighted GPAs and those people get the class). 

 Here’s the problem, when COVID-19 started my opportunity for the class disappeared- we can’t preform CPR virtually, or preform our first aid tests this way, or do the phlebotomy (blood drawing) unit virtually (we do our schools blood drive every year! :D).

Anyways, case in point, I’ve taken some starter courses to begin heading into pre-med but I haven’t actually been able to get in yet, so I’m hoping by next year I’ll be back in person and able to get started (although there’s no opportunity for me to take the 201 class now). 

But! Yes! I do plan to go into the medical field, originally I wanted to be in the operating room but I’ve since decided that’s not a level of responsibility that I want to have. I’ve also considered going into nursing because it’s really hands on but I don’t know how I would deal with the “type” of people who usually go into nursing (I’m typically a loner so it wouldn’t affect me much, but I could see fights over patient care happening). I’ve since been looking to being a GP or something similar. 

Although, I’m not going to lie, as I’ve been considering the type of place I want to live I’ve been looking into going to veterinary school instead; simply because I kind of want to own a farm and it would be helpful to be able to take care of my own livestock. (Money saving tips and tricks!)

So it’s a bit of a complicated process, I have some light medical training and then on top of that it could be argued that learning about the body, and medicine, and all those sorts of things is kind of a big interest of mine. So that can be helpful in knowing things as well~

So yes and no? My life is on hold right now which sucks I’m not going to lie. I’m just hoping by next year I will be officially involved finally.

[bojackhoremanisacomfortshow]

Saying Goodbye  thank you for being a chapter in my life

but I miss you or the memory of you I think ? 

and I miss the future you made me believe existed 

I cant fucking believe I trusted you when you said you loved me 

God was I blind 

I considered you a brother 

I should’ve suspected you when you first asked if we could be fuck buddies at 20, even though you had a girlfriend at the time 

But I ignored it because you actually gave two shits, called me on your way home from work and talked me out of self harming, and you didn't treat me as lesser then because of what was going on with me, instead you brought me homemade fucking cream and applied it to my raw bleeding arm while proceeding to wrap it with gauze and tape, while saying that he wants to help me make sure that this dosnet happen again. 

But as most things are, they are not what they seem 

I should've noticed when you started to tell me your relationship problems and the more you opened up about your relationship the more you started to make comments towards me. But we were friends and friends are supposed to help and talk to each other about again for christ sake I called him my brother, which he then told me not to call him, I would find out why later, but you started talking more and more about how you thought your relationship wasn't healthy and that she wasn't ‘doing it for you anymore’ but I just told you that you should talk to her because you both deserved to be happy and in a healthy relationship, his girlfriend seems like a great person, my sister knew her, and I honestly feel bad for any part I had in this but I was a naive sophomore and he was a senior going through it I think, he did have his own shit. 

And I began trusting him more, I mean he came and got me when my loved one was going through a family crisis. He actually found out before me and came right to me and told me, and he was there, every step, and sat with me and comforted my loved one with me, they were ‘friends’ too. The little things like that made me trust him and my trust develops into love, he saw me sitting there freaking out, with my shaking hands barley grasping at colored pencils while I tried to take my anxieties out on a sun shaped coloring sheet. And when you saw me give up with the pencils and began to dig and scratch my nails into my skin, you quietly, but forcefully stopped my hands from destroying myself and told me it was okay and that if I needed to squeeze something, to grip yours. The security you brought me was undeniable, finally I had stability and protection in my life, a safe person. And when we were walking back, even though you were late you insisted on walking me back. On the walk back you knew that I was upset, because you could read me, I shared more of my soul with you than anyone I ever had before. Like adult shit type feelings here, but another red flag! You came right back into my life the minute I broke up with my ex of almost a year... and I hadn't heard from you in almost a year. And while you knew I was upset you stopped me and said, ‘hey it’s gonna be okay, whatever happens WE’LL take care of her,’ and I started to cry and you hugged me, and I felt safe. And you listened and gave a shit as I told you that I was afraid my loved one would make my same mistakes and end up in my shoes. And you just hugged me and said we’ll figure it out and god did I believe you. 

And everything was good and I ignored the comments you made about something more, as we hung out and got food, because you wanted to make sure I ate and didn't have to go home right away to my dad. Until that breezy drizzly night in March. 

You had convinced me to go rock climbing, something I would never do as I am really afraid of heights, like close my eyes on glass elevators type of scared. But I trusted you and you promised to catch me if I fall. Which you quite literally did when I was practicing on the monkey bars. I was nervous, admirably, but I was stepping out of my comfort zone and trying, and like you promised when I slipped you caught me and actually left a chalk handprint on my ass which we casually laughed off. We had fun and eventually just ended up talking, like we always did, we could literally talk for hours on end, I miss those conversations, and he decided that he was going to take me for sushi for my first time, which was also something I was timid of trying. 

So we went and I actually loved it, so thank you for that. And afterwards we decided to go to the park and walk around, which we did and as it was drizzling our clothes become drenched with the secrets we shared as well as the precipitation from the sky. Eventually we decided to go into the back of the library and we warmed up next to a heater and sat next to one another, neither of us said anything as I realized he began to sit closer. 

On the walk back to his car he saw I was shivering and insisted on giving me his sweatshirt because I was cold, even though I protested as I didn't want to take his things and said that he should instead wear it, but I lost that argument and on went his faded green hoodie. 

Under the stars we talked in his car, and as we began to share things that we realized we had never shared before, and he suggested we move to the back seat. We continued talking and eventually I teared up and tried to hide it as we touched on a sensitive subject, but he of course knew and told me to ‘come here’ as he proceded to embrace me.

We didn't say much but eventually I realized I should get home, but not before you took a cursory look at my lips. But we both looked away and you drove me home and he said he would text me when he got home. 

That night when you got home you told me how you wish you had fucked me in you backseat and that you had more then enough room, which was true, but I admired I thought the same thing but I told him it was good we didn't and that he needed to figure things out in his relationship. 

And you told me you would, and I assumed you did, and we still talked and hung out, and I began to feel bad about being a ‘homewrekcer’ 

But you told me we weren't doing anything wrong and I believed you. Or at least I used to. Quite frankly it took a considerable amount of time for me to remove my rose colored glasses

As we always did you called me that night and we snapped and talked about our days. I had said I had a rough one which was evident as I was drunk on the phone and he knew I had been drinking. After we talked and he asked why I was drinking I realized the conversation started to take a turn. 

You began to bring up more explicit content and began to say how you know that I never send nudes but was wondering if I would try for him. I mean after all it was just him right, and I trusted him, and it was no big deal, and he wouldn't tell anyone. And I told him no, and no again until he understood, and I laughed it off as I decided this warranted some more liquor as I got off the phone with him. I was also on prozac at the time, and let me say I don't recommend drinking with your meds. 

Thinking I could just enjoy my music and the drunk snacks I had I get a snap from you, asking again, and this time you begin to tell me how it isn't a big deal and you’ve seen loads of your friends boobs before. I hate myself for giving in but I decided to send him a few pictures from my eyes only, no nudes but pictures I didn't show anyone, except my friends for when we occasionally give each other tips on taking seductive photos. Just a typical Friday night am I right?

So I sent them, and you were happy and we hung out the next day. You didn't know it but I felt extremely guilty and thought I had ruined our friendship and that we shouldn't see each other again especially because of his girlfriend. 

But we hung out and I profusely apologized and ya know what he said, he touched my arm and went its okay its not your fault, it was a one time thing and I asked and kept asking. If if was anyones fault it was mine. He reassured me it was not a big deal and my naive daddy issues ass went along with it. 

I told him he should tell his girlfriend and he just reassured me that it would only make things worse and that he was still finding the time to talk to her. 

On the car ride home you began talking about what would happen in a ‘different life’ or maybe even in a year or two. He was sticking around and going to a local college and he began telling me of all the fun things he had planned for us to do over the summer. I planned to show him all my special spots in the woods and my first time taking shrooms was gonna be with him, and it would’ve been his first time too. 

It was a common occurrence for him to say he loved me and for me to love him back, he considered me one of his closest friends and we continued talking daily, we were each others number one on snap for months, not that it really means anything but he did say he began checking his phone more because he hoped that I would have messaged him. I should’ve realized that our situation ship was bad when before he even starting making advances he randomly got considerably angry at a guy who had made a comment about me.

This may be ‘good friend’ behavior but he knew I was single and flirting with people, as I had just recently broken up with my ex, not saying the guys comment was justified because it wasn't I was not trying to hook up just talk to more people, but what can you do that's high school boys. 

The story I got was that this guy said to him that he was ‘getting bored of his girl’ and ‘was thinking of smashing me’. My ‘first love’ got as I heard ‘really really angry’ and began venting to his friends about how ‘it was ridiculous he would even say that, as if he had a chance, he was talking about you like a piece of meat’ needless to say he was less then happy about that, which okay not a huge thing just kinda protective which can be nice sometimes.

But in hindsight, he would make an attempt to prelude me from other guys and used to give me offhand comments if I ever mentioned I was talking to someone. 

Eventually he did break up with his girlfriend for a day, and in a melancholy way I was happy because I thought it meant you had finally told your girlfriend and I could stop carrying the guilt of what happen around. 

But of course you didn't. 

You, didn't say anything to me for a day, and then told me that you went back to her and made a promise to be better because this is the last time she is going to go through ‘this’ with him.

I asked him if he had told her the truth, and distinctly told him that, ‘she deserves to know the truth, she is a good person, and if getting together makes you guys happy good, but she deserves a relationship not built on lies’ 

He responded that his girlfriend had ‘trust issues’ and telling her would just make things worse. 

Yeah no shit she has trust issues you jerk

I said that I can't force him to do anything and took some space, as I felt weird about the whole thing. Later that night my friend who I had not spoken to in a while checked up on me and asked me what was wrong. 

I informed her of my situation and to my surprise she shared her own altercation  with him. It wasn't to the extent of what happened between us but he had began talking to her when he had found out her boyfriend and her were on a break. She confessed that on a call when they were going to be talking about what was going on with her, he began pressuring her into sending nudes, and I’m sure using the same manipulative tendencies he used on me. 

Looking back I know he did this to at least me and two other girls, and really I feel bad for his I believe still current girlfriend 

So its been about a year since all this happened and I am finally in a place where I can begin to process some of the shit that has occurred in my life even if it’s a year late! 

And I wish no mal intent on you, I’m sure you’ll never read this and god I hope you don't. But I always want to thank you for being my first love, even if I didn't know it at the time. 

You were the first person to call be beautiful without being prompted and genuinely mean it. I felt beautiful that day. And for when you told me you began to drive safer when I was in the car with you, and how you used to call me on your way home from work each night. 

Thank you for making me feel those things and showing me a safe place in a person can exist. I’ll never forget when you skipped your lunch period to come to mine and wrap my scabby ass arm for at least a week or two. (Again prozac and alcohol not a good combination) You also made sure I ate and encouraged me to take care of myself. 

You showed me genuine care and made me believe that I am deserving of those things. Fuck yeah it was hard when we both ‘left’ after things got too weird. And yeah maybe I struggle sometimes but I’m learning. 

I know I will always remember you in some way, just because I don’t think I’ll ever forget that genuine of a connection, but I am also only remembering the feelings of the rose but in nature roses have thorns, I can't pretend they don't. 

I think the hardest part is not knowing which parts were real and which parts were fake. The second-guessing, the trust issues thing, but that's not all on you, I have work I need to do. 

I’m kinda happy in a way to be able to get this all off my chest it’s been heavy and maybe this won't fix everything in my life rn but it’s giving me a place to feel. 

If you could see me now you would probably laugh because you were right in some regards. I did become a complete stoner, so point you! It honest to god does help and I’m at a place where I am able to use it medicinally when needed. I also did end up piercing my nose! The gold hoop was a good suggestion but it honestly is the only one I could get in my nose, and I have acrylic nails now so I’m not fucking with it! I’m actually living back at my moms too, a lot of shit has changed and happened and I know I am a completely different person today then I was a year ago

Which is why I can say with no ill intent I thank the universe for bringing you into my life and letting you become a chapter with fun excerpts in my story. I have been moving forward in my story though and I know you have been too

[fatbottombucky]

Bucky: Bed Sharing [x Reader]

Summary: After a mission yourself and Barnes stop off at a motel, only there’s one bed. Bed sharing trope/ friends to lovers trope

pairing: Bucky x male reader

word count: 1345

Warnings: Two boi’s sharing a bed

“We need to stop at a motel, Barnes,” you sigh tiredly at the assassin but receive nothing in response. “Did you hear what-”

“I heard,” Barnes responded gruffly, “I’m fine. We’ll be back at the compound in twelve hours if I keep driving.”

You let out a sigh, ready to just let him be. Only you know that even with the serum the bullet wound needs attending to, especially if he wants it to heal with no scarring. You shake your head, clicking your tongue against your cheek and pointing at the neon sign.

“Pull in. Now.”

You watch as he indicates despite being on a deserted highway, his eyes remain straight ahead but you know he’s pissed at you. Heck, you’re pissed at you. He parks the car the furthest away from the reception. You don’t exactly look like a couple of normal civilians; your stealth suits bloody and ripped, cuts and bruises litter your faces and the smell of gunpowder on you both.

Exiting the car, you walk to the boot and grab the duffle bag. You sigh as Barnes heads to the reception without you, walking inside and talking to the lady at the front desk- she doesn’t even look concerned at his appearance, which is a good thing. You lean against the car, duffle by your feet and arms crossed over your chest.

A whistle grabs your attention, you look up tiredly to see Barnes nodding his head to some stairs. You grab the bag and slowly follow behind him, he waits beside an unopened room.

“Bad news,” he starts as he unlocks the door to the room, “only one bed.”

You groan as the door clicks open, revealing the dull room with only one twin bed. A small tv is settled on a dusty stand, you drop the bag onto the only chair in the room and you don’t even have to open the bathroom to know it’s a state.

“You can take the bed,” Barnes sighs and rolls his shoulder, the wound obviously taking a toll on him.

Shaking your head and opening the door, “We’ll argue over the bed later. Let’s sort these damn wounds out first, huh?” You looked over your shoulder at him, stopping when you notice the hesitation from him and slight timidness. “You okay, Barnes?”

He doesn’t say anything and only stalks passed you into the bathroom. You grab the med kit and walk into the dimly lit bathroom, head tilting as Barnes sits on the bathtub, head cast down and watching his hands. You decide not to say anything because you’ve pieced it together. You’ve never seen Bucky in anything but a shirt, you’re not even sure Steve has seen him shirtless.

Instead, you decide to clean yourself up first. Unbuckling and unclipping various parts of the stealth suit, standing shirtless in front of the mirror. You’re able to see all the bruises and cuts, it’s not too bad but enough that you’ll sting tomorrow and the upcoming weeks, too.

“I’m sorry,” you mutter but don’t glance at him. “I shouldn’t have stormed that room- you wouldn’t be shot because of me,” you finally look at him and he meets your eyes.

He lets out a strained chuckle, “I’ve been chasing after Steve my entire life, trust me, this won’t be the last time I get shot for covering some idiots ass.”

You let slip a quiet chuckle and nod, still feeling guilty about it. Once you’re done you turn to Barnes with an awkward smile, “Need any help or-”

“The bullet is still in my shoulder,” he deadpans and you wince, “I’mma need you to pull it out of me, okay?” You give a little nod and walk over to him as he starts to pull off his own top.

You try not to stare but it’s hard. The scars that litter his body, small and big, all indications of his past. Bullet wounds that have healed but leave traces of their story, a huge gash crosses his right pec and you want to ask about it but stop yourself. You and Barnes aren’t… friends, colleagues sure, but you’ve never moved past that step.

The wound is still seeping blood, it looks worse than it is and the only reason Barnes needs that bullet out is because his body will heal over with it still embedded. You have no tools to help pull it out, so you quickly wash your hands and sterilise them before walking back over to him. Kneeling down beside him and waiting for him to give the go ahead.

He nods shortly, eyes trained on the tiles next to him and you suck in a breath before shoving your fingers into the wound. He grits his teeth, eyes squeezing shut and you try not to throw up over this. It’s a few seconds before you feel the hardness of the bullet, grabbing ahold of it before gently pulling it out.

“Fuck!” Barnes mutters, his shoulders un-tensing and dropping a little. His metal fist unclenches and he grabs the sink as a clutch, breathing heavily for a few moments.

During this moment you patch him up quickly, knowing his body will deal with it for him but you didn’t want blood getting everywhere- especially Barnes’ blood, like Steve’s it’s special.

You both walk out of the bathroom faced with the one bed, again. You shoot him a look, already knowing he wants to take it but doesn’t want to say. You’re adults. Two grown men. You work together, save the world together, and live together- albeit you have your own bedrooms usually.

“Let’s share it,” you say confidently and meet Barnes’ grey eyes, “It’s one night and you need to rest, I’m tired as fuck. It’ll be fine,” you shrug and walk around one side.

You watch as Barnes does the same and pulls the blanket back, he bites his bottom lip before sliding in and settling down. He takes up nearly half the twin bed, you push that thought aside as you quickly get in and chuckle at the feel of this shit bed.

“Kinda wish I took the floor,” Barnes jokes and you snort with laughter, shoulders bumping his as you do. “Seriously… why is this bed so- lumpy?”

You continue to laugh and then stop abruptly, “I don’t even want to know what has happened on this bed.”

Barnes shivers at the thought. You then settle into silence, you stare at the ceiling for a very long time. You glance to your left wondering if Barnes had fallen asleep or if he was up also.

“I used to put the couch pillows on the floor, Steve and I would sleep on them,” Bucky softly muttered out and you smiled at the image of a small Steve and young Bucky. “When his ma’ worked lates, we’d take him in. My sisters, I think, all loved him very much. Little Rose fancied him actually, but she was always scared- wonder what would have happened if…”

You let your mind wander to that. If Bucky never fell, Steve never froze. “You wouldn’t be in this cruddy motel room, so there’s that.” It was meant to be a whole you’d be somewhere better, probably.

“Wouldn’t have met you,” Bucky mutters and you feel his eyes on you, even in the darkness of the room. You don’t look back at him, too stunned to actually move or say anything. “Pros and cons to everything it seems,” you let slip a chuckle.

“Didn’t think I mattered that much,” you tilt your head and look at him, the curtains aren’t drawn, the moonlight casts a glow over his face. “Always thought I was just a workmate.”

It’s a few seconds of silence before speaks, “I’ve wanted to be… your friend for a while,” you raised an eyebrow at Bucky with a smirk, “shut up,” he mutters and looks away.

“Was gonna ask ya on a date but you just friendzoned me,” Bucky chokes on air and looks at you bewildered for a moment.

(I didn’t know how to end it basically. Hopefully, you all like this. - Rosalie)