#(which everyone else seemed to find intolerable)

[corvidiss]

I put a lot of effort into being a very understanding, considerate person.

Upon meeting me, many therefore assume that I have immediately taken Their Side on all matters (when in fact I have only showed them that I understand their perspective on such matters).

They are then rather surprised when they complain to me about something and I am understanding and considerate about the opposite perspective too.

I'm not sure what to do about this.

[astariontopofme]

Hi! I loved your Astarion fic very much!! You really captured him very well! :D I would love to request a fic where Tav/Reader invites Astarion to watch the sunset with them and just have a sweet time together without obligation of anything more. Thank you! ❤️

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈𝐬 🌞 (Astarion x GN!MC)

A/N: I took this prompt and ran too far with a bit of angst, I apologise. There’s still fluff I promise! Hope you enjoy!

Word count: 2.3k

___

Alone and miserable was exactly how Astarion intended to spend his evening.

He was growing a little tired of these long days ending in disappointment. They had been on the receiving end of some particularly brutal attacks that afternoon, each one adding to the ever lengthening delay on their mission to find a cure for their tadpoles.

It seemed there wasn’t an end in sight, their days repeatedly starting and finishing the same way. The worst part about it for him was his confliction when it came to the matter at hand. One minute he was determined and dead set on finding someone or something that could remove the tadpole, and the next minute he was absorbed by the actuality that the tadpole had given him the happiest moments of his prolonged life.

One of those moments being the warmth of the sun on his cold skin.

He couldn’t imagine being stripped of such luxury again, locked in the shadows until the harshly cold moon replaced the flourishing gold beams that it blessed upon the world. The very thought left him in a slight state of panic if ever he dwelled on it long enough. Everyone else was yearning for the solution to their infections, which was fair. It hadn’t brought anyone but himself any joy, just a disruption to their lives.

Which was why these thoughts were always kept to himself. He didn’t want to hear about how ‘everything would be okay’ or the irritating default ‘cheer up’ phrases. It wasn’t as simple as just seeing the bright side of ridding himself of the tadpole. Sure, it would eliminate the chances of being turned into something he didn’t want to become, but removing it would turn him back into his old self, something else he didn’t want to be.

The very thought of avoiding the daylight made him feel ill. He hadn’t expected to be so attached to it when he first realised the warmth on his skin wasn’t cooking him alive. Two hundred years of darkness was what he had no choice but to be used to. He knows how to live out his life that way, but he didn’t want to.

He just wanted to be free.

So as he could hear the rest of the camp making their attempts at cheering each other up, Astarion sat in his lonely little tent, slowly waving his hand in the strip of honey-like light that had invited itself in through the gap of the tent’s entrance. He almost wanted it to start burning him, just to prepare him for his impending intolerance to the beauty cascading a rich bronze hue across his deathly pale skin.

Judging by the deep shade of the soothing beam, the sun was beginning its daily journey to another part of the world. The nights were always a little difficult when he got in his head like this. Every glance at the stars shimmering in contrast to the ebony sky made him wonder if that had been his last day in the warmth before someone excitedly presented him with a cure he only half wanted.

Just as he felt himself starting to spiral uncontrollably, his tent was suddenly deprived of its sliver of warm light. Before he could tell whoever had come to bother him to leave him alone, a familiarly soft yet strong hand clasped itself around his, tugging him out of his solitary as his knees crashed into the hard ground. He was ready to start shouting at whoever had the sheer audacity to pull him around like that, but as he looked up from his knees he was met with a contagiously joyous smile.

Whatever Tav was so happy about must not have reached the others, most of them sitting around the start of a fire and barely looking any happier than he felt. The misplaced display of glee was almost irritating him, but the irritation was fizzling out quickly, as it always seemed to do with his partner.

Gods he was getting soft.

Doing his best to be stern after being so unexpectedly manhandled, he put on his best frown. “What on earth was that for?!”

Still, the look of delight before him did not falter. If anything they looked even more pleased that he was in a bad mood.

The same hand that had kidnapped him from the confines of his tent reached out to help him up. Being the ever so petty man that he could proudly be, Astarion completely ignored it and dragged himself up to his feet, being sure to scoff as he brushed the dirt from his knees.

“Come on,” his over excited companion commanded.

Astarion raised an eyebrow at them. “Come on, what?”

Before his tongue had even hit the roof of his mouth to exaggerate the T at the end of what, he watched his partner turn around quickly, darting off into the woods surrounding the camp.

Although their actions hadn’t exerted any will within him to now go and spend time with them, he wasn’t prepared to let them scurry off into the woods alone before it got dark. He quickly grabbed a small dagger from a stool outside his tent and hastily set forth to catch up to them. Sure, he was a little pissed, but he was too protective of them to retreat back into his tent and stew in his misery.

It didn’t take him long to catch up, despite how quickly his partner was speed walking through the trees. Wherever they were going, they were clearly in some kind of hurry.

“Will you slow down,” Astarion hissed. “Where in the hells are you going?!”

Tav simply continued without a word, stopping very suddenly at the edge of the forest. There was quite a drop only a few feet in front of them, and Astarion found himself automatically reaching out to grab the back of his partner's top, despite the fact that they had already come to a halt.

“I knew this would be the perfect place,” Tav exclaimed with an accomplished grin.

Astarion couldn’t help but hope that this wasn’t what he thought it was. He wasn’t entirely in the mood to try and be interested in sex right at this very moment in time, nor was it the most comfortable looking place for it.

“Look, I enjoy your body a great deal, but I’m not really-”

Tav’s gaze shot straight up to him, the smile dropping from their face. “I…I didn’t bring you here for sex, Astarion,” they explained innocently. “You know that’s not all I want from you…don’t you?”

Astarion didn’t know how to answer this. He had spent so much of his life being used to lure people to their doom with sex that he still couldn’t decipher between being appreciated and being used. It was a difficult area in their new relationship that they both knew would take time and plenty of reassurance. He trusted his partner a great deal, more than he had ever been able to trust a person before in his life.

After a few awkwardly silent minutes went by, Tav cut the tension by pointing out towards a body of water in the distance. “I wanted you to watch with me,” they murmured quietly, crossing one leg over the other to sit on the hard ground.

Astarion watched as the deeply orange sun was slowly approaching the water, reflecting itself on the surface like fire dancing over ice. It was a rather breathtaking sight, one that forced his legs to follow the same crossing motion to sit beside his partner and bask in such a beautiful sight.

Despite the earlier downward spiral into his fear of sun deprivation, he had never felt so soothed and relaxed by such simplicity. He hadn’t yet watched a sunset, which was usually down to missing it whilst journeying back to camp. The brightest star in the sky was sinking away, emanating a golden sheet across everything that surrounded them. It was almost hypnotic just how fascinating the sight truly was.

Any resentment he had for being dragged out of his tent against his will had dissolved almost instantly. This relationship thing was still all very new to him, and his biggest obstacle was understanding, which was difficult as there were so many things he just didn’t understand. The main one being Tav’s interest in him.

Even he couldn’t deny that he could be a bit of a negative bastard at the best of times, and yet this ridiculously patient person he found himself to be enamoured with wanted to share such a beautiful and intimate moment with him without the obligation of intercourse. They really did care about him.

But for how long?

If they were to eventually find a cure, Astarion was almost certain that he’d lose something far more valuable to him than the sun. Why would such a bright soul want to spend the rest of their life with him in the shadows?

He tore his gaze away from the descending sun to glance at his partner, only to find them already looking at him.

“Isn’t it lovely,” they whispered quietly, as if raising their voice would scare the beauty away.

Astarion swallowed a hard lump in his throat, not knowing how to answer that question. It was lovely, but he wasn’t just thinking that of the sunset.

Before he could catch his tongue, he blurted out a question he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer to. “Are you going to leave?”

Once again, Tav’s content smile faded into a small and confused frown. “Leave? Leave what?”

He could hear his conscience shouting at him to just shut up and quit being so pathetic, but his mouth seemed to overrule it. He needed some sense of security.

“Me.”

The hurt look on the face that had recently become his favourite caused his cold heart to squeeze in his chest. He didn’t want to come across so accusingly, but he wasn’t exactly accustomed to loyalty. Nobody had cared for him the way they did, yet as much as he was afraid that they would eventually grow tired of him, he wouldn’t ever be surprised if they did as he just didn’t expect much from people.

Judging by the sudden sadness in those fascinating eyes, Tav hadn’t actually thought about it in the way he had. “You think I’m going to leave you when you can no longer walk in the sun,” they questioned, though it came out as more of a statement.

Astarion didn’t verbally respond, but the way his body tensed up at the thought was enough of an answer for his partner. Tav shuffled over a little, sitting closer to him and placing a comforting hand on his leg. Their piercing stare bored into him, but he couldn’t bring himself to meet their eyes with his.

Still, Tav spoke so softly that it almost made Astarion uncomfortable. “If I had plans to leave you after these tadpoles are gone, then I wouldn’t have bothered with you in the first place. I know what you are, Astarion. I know what comes with being a vampire. That’s not going to change how I feel about you.”

He couldn’t suppress the frustrated sigh that escaped him. “That’s easy for you to say now,” he said, surprisingly calm. “But when you’re confined to the darkness-”

“I’ll still love you.”

It was the first use of the word between the couple. A word Astarion didn’t have a lot of experience with, which was why he couldn’t decipher between whether the feeling in his chest when he heard the intimidating word was a reciprocating feeling of love or whether he was dying on the spot. His eyes snapped back to his partner, but they were now staring off towards the water again, watching as the sun disappeared into the horizon and took its warmth with it.

Yet he still felt warmth. It was growing almost painfully in his chest as his heart thumped at an alarming rate. Any time he had heard someone explain what love felt like, the word warmth had almost always come up.

“The sun’s gone,” Tav whispered quietly, taking his hand. “And I don’t feel any differently. I mean it, Astarion. I love you.”

Astarion’s whole mouth felt like cotton. He did love them, he could physically feel it within him. But he was afraid that the words could not form yet. Sure, he’d falsely told people he loved them for manipulation purposes, but real love was a huge step for him, and he felt he needed to truly understand its meaning before he could declare such a thing back.

“You don’t need to say anything,” his partner reassured him softly, picking up on his dilemma.

He swallowed hard. “It’s not that I don’t-”

“I know.”

Their eyes finally met, something different presenting itself between them. It felt as though their relationship had taken on a new meaning, one that slightly soothed that voice in his head telling him he was going to end up alone when their mission was over. He just couldn’t believe he had found such a remarkable soul in such a strange and life threatening situation.

Though he couldn’t use the word love just yet, he couldn’t let this moment end with his silence. He knew that he could feel it, and he needed them to know that.

“I’ve always heard the phrase that home is where the heart is…and I never really understood it before now,” he began to conclude. “Nothing ever felt like home to me. Not Baldur’s Gate, and certainly not Cazador’s palace.”

He reached his free hand up to cup Tav’s cheek, his thumb absentmindedly brushing across their slightly blushed skin as they melted into his touch.

“But you…I have a home in you.”

.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this fic! This is my first time writing with a gender neutral character so please be kind if I’ve made any mistakes!

[thebibliosphere]

I have a question about MCAS if you've not already covered it and have the spoons for it. When your (or anyone else in generals) symptoms started, or at least when you first noticed them/looked back on things and realized they were probably MCAS related, did they start slowly and less severe with like, gut upsets, intolerances, and a little itching, or did it go straight to anaphylaxis reactions?

(Full disclosure I'm asking cause I have POTS, am in diagnosis hell for likely hEDS, and have been noticing more and more foods that make my tummy pipes unhappy recently, and I'm wondering if there's anything I should be on the look out for.)

And give the dogter mop a kiss on the head for me!!

MCAS is progressive; very few people start out with instant anaphylaxis unless they have true IgE allergies. For myself and many others, it started out as small things like upset stomachs, itching, headaches, mild allergic reactions, etc. Not everyone experiences anaphylaxis with MCAS, but if it goes untreated long enough, it can progress to that.

If I had been treated 'early' (they didn't know it existed when I was a kid), it likely wouldn't have progressed to anaphylaxis or any of the other complications I've suffered. Sometimes, an illness can make it ramp up in intensity as well, so that's something else to watch out for. Covid in particular seems insidious for it.

If you're already noticing one or two things and already have POTS, I'd suggest asking your POTS doctor about doing a trial of antihistamines. Some POTS patients find relief in following the MCAS starter protocol, which is usually 10mg of cetirizine (Zyrtec), 20mg of famotidine (Pepcid) twice a day, and 25mg of Benedryl at night. If that helps your POTS, further investigation into MCAS would be warranted.

(Please note I'm not telling you what meds to take. I'm letting you know what the MCAS starter protocol is in case your POTS doctor isn't aware of it so you can talk to them about it.)

Best of luck, friend, and consider Dogter Mop smooched on your behalf!

[moonylvs]

Hi Gracie! I have a quite specific request, so of course, whether you accept it or not is up to you 💖

I would love to see a romantic Sirius x fem!Reader where she is of the alternative kind - short hair in unnatural colours, school uniform skirts enchanted to be cargo pants, heavy boots (can you tell I kin Tonks?). However, behaviour-wise, she's more like Remus - quiet, smart, but heavily intolerant of people's prejudices and not shy to defend those who need it.

As for a scenario - I'm a sucker for hurt/comfort. Maybe she finds Sirius as he sits somewhere alone, quiet, but deep in thoughts. It's after another letter from home or a bad interaction with Regulus. They just talk about life and end up realising how much they care for each other. Throw in a comfy hug if you feel like it fits.

To be honest, the only thing I'm banking on here is seeing this kind of Reader being a shoulder to lean on for Sirius.

All in all, this is not a request per se, but a proposition! If it doesn't spark your interest - feel free to ignore.

Take care of yourself!!! You're wonderful, especially for allowing us to ask for use of your skills in the first place 💘

I am totally obsessed with your request, thank you thank you thank you, I really hope this met your expectations, read the end to tell you more!

⋆˙⟡ Sailor Song

Summary: Sirius spent his entire life blocking his emotions so as not to worry others, but one day he finally finds the comfort he was looking for.

Pairing: Sirius Black x fem!reader

Words: 2700

ⓘ Warnings: Mentions of dissociation, anxiety, Sirius' childhood, hurt/comfort, crying, feelings of guilt and self-hatred, no proofread, English isn't my first language srry! (I feel like I didn't do this request justice but I just didn't know what else to do, sorry if it's not good enough)

Sirius most days wished his life was different, wished too many things were different, he wanted to believe what everyone said, that you had to focus on the positive and everything would get better.

But Sirius was exhausted.

He had tried everything but when happiness seemed to come into his life, something seemed to ruin it, sometimes he felt guilty and ungrateful, he had good things in his life, he had James, his best friend, he had a great group of friends and above all, he had a girlfriend who was absolutely wonderful, you.

You were the one thing Sirius wouldn't change about his life, but sometimes he wished he could change himself for you, so that you would think him as perfect and never want to leave his side, so that you wouldn't abandon him like the rest.

Sirius could still vividly remember the first time he saw you, when you walked into the great hall and your colorful hair caught his attention, but it wasn't your hair that really made his heart pound, it was your smile, the one that seemed to light up the place instantly.

Sirius spent a good 10 minutes watching you, admiring your hair that was shorter than the rest of the girls and had an extravagant color, then he looked at your black jacket, which had something embossed on the back, it looked like drawings in colorful colors, he wondered if you had embroidered it.

Sirius' extroverted and flirty personality seemed to fade when he was with you, he became a stuttering mess and his cheeks turned flushed red, James couldn't help but laugh at the sight of him, acting so stupid in front of you.

It wasn't long before Sirius became close to you, starting to spend more time with you and soon asking you out on a date, which you accepted without hesitation.

Sirius loved you like no one else in his life, you were everything he had been seeking, he didn't need anything else in his life, or so he wanted to think.

But in the end, as it was dawn at Hogwarts, thoughts invaded him and he felt that nothing he had was enough, he wanted to be happy, he wanted it and longed for it like nothing else, but he never got to have it.

Sirius had been on the verge of becoming happy so many times, but in the end it was always taken away from him, and it hurt him to the bone.

Sirius hated the anxiety that invaded him in the dawn, the fear that everyone he loved would move away, he didn't want to lose you, he couldn't stand it, he just wanted to be happy, for once in his life.

But even in those early mornings he couldn't make the pain go away, he couldn't get rid of the anxiety that invaded him, he couldn't even cry to get it off his chest and he hated it.

Sirius couldn't remember the last time he cried, it must have been when he was a child and ended up with a red mark on his cheek thanks to his dear mother.

Since that day he never cried, he just couldn't anymore, even if he wanted to, even if he wanted to vent, he just couldn't anymore, his brain was completely blocked.

So when Sirius felt that immense pain in his chest and that pain that would make anyone cry, his brain simply shut down.

His face would become empty and suddenly he felt nothing, the pain was still there, but it's as if he couldn't do anything about it, he couldn't get it out, he couldn't even express it, let alone push it away.

Time stopped for him and in the blink of an eye hours had passed, hours where he had been on automatic without noticing it, hours he didn't even remember.

You had seen him a dozen times, many didn't even notice, to everyone he was still Sirius, he talked, moved, acted “normal”, but you knew he wasn't right, something in his eyes was off.

You had tried to talk to him, but you never got anywhere, he said that nothing was wrong, that it had been happening to him since he was a child and that he didn't know how to stop it, that you didn't have to worry.

But his explanations didn't make your heart hurt any less, seeing him move away from reality, blocking himself, it was painful, even more the fact that nobody noticed it, they didn't even notice that Sirius forgot things he had done or acted distant.

That day was no different, Sirius had had a miserable day, his heart ached hard in his chest.

After breakfast he had bumped into Regulus, for a while now he had been trying to strike up a conversation with him, but Regulus was completely closed to this, Sirius knew it was his fault, he had walked away, he had run away from home and left Regulus behind, but back then he was a kid, an idiot kid just looking to survive.

Every day he regretted not having been able to get Regulus out of that place, and every day Regulus took it upon himself to remind him of that.

Sirius tried to have a conversation with him, they both needed it, but it didn't go well at all.

“You've never cared about anything but yourself, all you do is ruin everything” Regulus said sharply before disappearing down the corridors.

At that precise instant Sirius' brain shut down, pushing all those painful emotions to the back of his mind, but this time it was different, that pain in his chest wasn't diminishing, it was increasing, growing more and more.

Sirius knew he had to go to class, James was waiting for him, but his feet wouldn't move, he couldn't, he was trapped, trapped in his own mind.

A few minutes earlier you had seen Sirius leave behind Regulus, you knew it wouldn't end well, but you also knew that Sirius didn't like people meddling in his family matters, but when you saw Regulus enter the classroom with no sign of Sirius, you knew something was wrong.

James said that Sirius had probably just gone for a smoke or skipped a class as usual, but something inside you stirred, a feeling. you knew something was wrong.

You tried not to care, you were about to enter class, but you just couldn't, you turned around ignoring the call of your friends, you needed to find Sirius.

After wandering around the castle for a while you finally found him, he was in a lonely corridor, sitting on the floor, staring at nothing.

Immediately you recognized that something was wrong, the glow in his eyes was off, you could tell instantly.

Without thinking you walked up to him, making your presence known so as not to scare him, but he didn't even move, his eyes were fixed on nothing, his arms were tightly wrapped around his legs, his hands had white knuckles from the strength with which he was holding the fabric of his pants.

You felt your chest tighten when you saw him like that, it was worse than you had ever seen.

In a moment you were already sitting next to him, you carefully took one of your hands to his, making him release his clothes and hold your hand, he interlaced his fingers instantly, holding your hand tightly, as if you were going to disappear under his touch.

“I'm here, you're fine, I got you” You said sweetly, giving caresses with your thumb on his hand, Sirius' gaze was still fixed on nothing, anyone would say he couldn't even hear you, but you knew he was still there, locked in his own mind.

You held his hand tightly, reassuring him, your cheek resting on his shoulder, waiting for him to calm down, you knew it wasn't a good idea to push him, the only thing you would do would be to make him collapse.

After a few minutes in silence, Sirius' hand seemed to relax on yours, for a moment he seemed to come back to reality.

“There's something wrong with me” Sirius said in barely a whisper, it wasn't a question, he was stating it, that something was wrong with him.

You immediately denied, giving his hand a light squeeze, trying to comfort him.

“There is nothing wrong with you, Sirius, there never has been, you know that” You said softly, lifting yourself from his shoulder so you could look at him, his gaze went to yours, analyzing your face, but in your eyes there was nothing but honesty.

“I know something is wrong with me, I feel it, inside me, it burns…” Sirius said, staring at you “I always end up ruining things, I hurt those around me, something is wrong with me and I don't know how to make it go away.”

Your chest tightened at the sight of his face, there were no tears but the pain was reflected in his eyes, your hand instinctively went to his cheek, holding it gently.

“There's nothing wrong with you, Sirius” You repeated again. “Regulus told you that?” you asked delicately, you didn't want to push him too far, all you got was a nod, Sirius was silent for a moment, holding your hand before he spoke.

“H-He said I don't care about anyone but me…that I always end up ruining everything” Sirius said in barely a whisper, feeling a knot form in his throat, the pain in his chest still growing.

“He's just annoyed, Sirius, he's hurt, he didn't mean it, you don't ruin things, you care about others more than anyone else, you've tried to fix things with Regulus despite everything, you always think about others before yourself, that shows what kind of person you are…. And even sometimes it's good that you think about yourself, you deserve to choose you sometimes” You said softly, feeling your chest hurt when you saw Sirius' face, you didn't understand how his own family could be so cruel to him, he was just a boy when everything happened, his whole childhood made him the man he is now, he just did what he needed to do to survive.

“I've seen you Sirius, when something hurts you you just block yourself from reality, it's like it's not you… You do it because you don't want others to worry about you, don't you?” you asked gently, to which Sirius nodded slightly, a little confused, you had had this conversation before so he didn't quite understand why you were bringing it up now, but you had a point to prove.

“I-I've been doing it since I was little, I didn't want my mother to be mad at me, she hated it when I cried...If I cried Reg cried too and she got mad at both of us…I always ended up making others upset or worried, like now, I d-don't—" Sirius's voice broke off, a lump formed in his throat, he didn't even know how to express himself, he didn't want to hurt, not the people he loved.

“Sirius, If you didn't care about anyone but yourself you wouldn't do that, you wouldn't block out your feelings so as not to worry others…you can cry, you can get angry, you can feel hurt by others, you don't always have to be strong.” You said quietly, for a moment you saw Sirius' eyes glaze over, though he immediately wiped away the tears, shaking his head.

“N-No, no, I have to be strong, for you, for everyone, I don't want you to have to deal with me and my…. pain.” Sirius said in barely a whisper, as if the very act of saying it would hurt him.

“Sirius, you've been through too much being so young, you have a right to feel bad, you don't have to suppress your pain, not when you have me, James, Remus, you have people who care about you, people who care about how you feel, none of them are going to get upset because you cry or because you need space, you are a person, Sirius” You said, holding sirius' cheek and stroking it gently.

“I know you want to be the best friend, boyfriend or brother, but you're not just that, you are a person and sometimes people do or say cruel things and you have a right to feel bad about it, you don't have to pretend that nothing is wrong.” You explained, feeling your own chest tighten, it was hard to keep your voice steady when you felt a whirlwind of emotions invade you.

At that moment you could see Sirius' eyes crystallize, for the first time a tear rolled down his cheek “I love you Sirius, I love how outgoing and attentive you are, I love all the energy you have, I love when you smile and your eyes light up, but I also still love you when you're sad, when you need to vent or when you need space, not for a second do I stop loving you”.

At that moment Sirius' tears began to flow without stopping, it was as if you had broken that invisible barrier that stopped him, that barrier that separated the two of you.

Sirius had spent his whole life wishing things were different, he changed himself, blocking his feelings, thinking that this way he would be loved, his mother had told him that no one wanted a crybaby, girls wanted someone strong and to hold on to.

But now Sirius knew better, that he could break down sometimes and you would be there for him when he was well again, he now understood that people could sometimes be cruel and he was not to blame, that he could feel hurt, that his feelings did not make him dramatic or weak as his mother had said.

When the pain invaded him he didn't stop being him, he was still Sirius, you were still there, people didn't move away, the world didn't stop, his pain didn't make him stop being Sirius, his pain didn't make him less lovable.

In a moment Sirius was in your arms, his tears soaking through your shirt, all those emotions he had been holding in for years were now coming out, and it felt… good.

Sirius felt himself crumbling, pain consuming him, but this time you were holding him, this time the voices of his family were fading in his head, this time, at last, he didn't have to pretend to be strong, not when he felt his pain drowning him out.

“I promise you'll be fine” You said softly, letting sirius hold you tightly.

You knew Sirius needed those words, at some point you needed them too.

Sirius hugged you as if he never wanted to leave, it was the truth, he didn't want anyone else, he wanted you.

Sirius wanted you, the girl who caught his attention in the first instant, with that colorful hair and those huge boots that Sirius wanted to steal from you, that girl who was sweet and kind and who always had something to say, that girl who understood him perfectly, you.

“I love you, I love you so fucking much” Sirius said in a whisper, hugging tightly, his words were genuine, totally.

You couldn't hide the small smile that appeared on your face, even with the simplest words you could feel Sirius' love.

Sirius kept sobbing into your chest, but this time the pain didn't overwhelm him, it felt good to let go of all those things he had been holding on to.

“Thank you” Sirius murmured quietly, after a while in silence. “For being here, despite everything.”

“You'll always have me by your side, I want to be with you when you laugh and when you make your stupid pranks, but I'll also be with you when you need to vent or when you just want a hug.” You murmured softly, holding sirius in your arms, stroking his hair sweetly.

Sirius swore he could melt under your arms, how come you always had the right words?

Sirius hugged you tightly, sinking his face into your hair, smelling your perfume, which he adored, enjoying the warmth your body emanated.

You held Sirius tightly, you wanted to show him what true love was, he deserved the safety and comfort he craved so much.

He deserved to be loved as much as you did.

I can't explain how much I suffered writing this story, the ideas didn't come out the way I wanted, I rewrote everything again and I'm still not 100% convinced, but I didn't want to keep waiting any longer and I didn't think I could write anything better, and I was already somewhat frustrated by not getting anything out, I hope you liked it and if you have any constructive criticism it is appreciated, I'm sorry if this isn't very good, xoxo

[othernaut]

"Why Are They Like That?" Scavengers Reign edition:

Chris, Barry, and Terrence show distinct reactions to having all lived through trauma. I recognize my own reactions so keenly through every one of them.

Barry distracts himself. The world is surface-level and wonderful because it's all so incredibly temporary. I read him as being in a practically permanent level of dissociation; I wouldn't be surprised if he's older than he reads. He refuses to think about loss because one little prick in the balloon sends all the rage and pain screeching out. I also read him as autistic, but his childishness seems to me more as an urge to live in a world where the loss isn't, same way you'd hide from a violent home by putting on headphones and playing a video game.

Chris rationalizes the loss, tries to pick it apart, find an explanation. She holds a deep, abiding belief in rituals, mantras, and philosophy, as keeping loss at an intellectual level means the pain is far less acute. Her confidence is an incredibly thick shell, but it's still a shell, and it's grown to the level where she's able to maintain unity in her group but probably won't be able to stand up to a challenge of leadership. That's when she falls apart - when she's proven wrong not by circumstances, but by an argument she can't refute. And she needs that proof to grow - otherwise, well, she gives off very strong cult leader vibes.

Terrence is people- and community-focused. His drive is to acknowledge pain and make sure no one feels the same things he did. This leads to personal recklessness as, well, we've seen. He wants to find a way for everybody to be happy and he will give all of himself that there is in order to make that happen. His weak sense of self won't stand up to a bad call or challenge the status quo, but it will slip in through back doors and cracked windows and offer comfort wherever he can, regardless of deservedness.

It's questionable how much of the Healer Woman was still in there. Likely the same muteness/deafness happened to her husband and his death, given her eventual state, was unnecessary. She likely had the same drives and opinions she did before infection, as the parasite doesn't seem to want to interfere too much in who its hosts are, just what they do to serve it.

Which is why Sam's mania and renewed vigor read as weird. We haven't seen very much of his past, but there's something curiously military in how he interacts with others - specifically, I think his focus on his friends and comrades as well as his decision to work his very dangerous Space Captain job comes from not being able to adjust to civilian life. He's thought about dying; he expects it. What's intolerable to him is the long, slow, banal details of getting groceries and making small talk. It's everyone else's normal life that he finds offputting and unreal.

Which is why it's so precarious, how much Ursula needs him. We know even less of her past than we do of Sam's; she seems more a part of the planet than she is her own life. She, and the Healer Woman (y'now, before) were the only ones who interacted with Vesta like scientists, and I read Ursula's gratitude as much as a need to connect as what it is on the surface. She's also the only cast member I get straight-up depression vibes from. It's an ironic thing, that she'd be best suited to survive Vesta on her own but, also, least likely to be able to stand the solitude.

Azi is the toughest member of the cast, no question, but we see her exceptional adaptation to solitude even on the Demeter. She cares for people - very deeply, in fact - and seems to need to be loved, but is comfortable keeping that love at a far remove, as a fact to be considered in solitude rather than something that needs to be constantly reinforced. This speaks to me as a curiously sci-fi thing - the notion that knowing people are out there, knowing they love you, but being unable to touch them, unable to confirm it. Which is why she was so comfortable seeing Levi as an object; if Levi was a person, then that came with all the complications a person usually does. And why it was so comforting to see her do the right thing once she realized Levi's sentience.

Levi...

I still hold out hope for mold-Levi.

Finally, Kamen. He's a dick, absolutely - but I read his dickishness as stemming more out of pretty much constant panic rather than anything else. You can read it in his movements, in how he speaks, in how even in his few moments of happiness he seems ready to back away and redirect at even the slightest hint of doing the wrong thing. He is in constant, complete terror of losing everything, so much so that his fumbling, destructive actions bring about the loss he's so desperate to avoid. His non-action over the last... Four episodes? Complete shutdown.

I know he doesn't "deserve" it, but I'm honestly hoping for a redemption for Kamen. These kinds of panic disorders rarely get any kind of media play, and when they do, they're either fixed by a pat on the shoulder and a "there there, don't be cry", or just continue on, unsolvable. I want to see what the other side of this looks like. I don't think he should die for his sins - I want him to live with them, to spend many long days in the same room with them. I want him to try to make things right and, when he can't because it's not like pushing a "fix things" button, to keep at it for the rest of his life. This, to me, is punishment.

[littleheartbigbrain]

Mystic Messenger characters and where you would find them at school and general headcannons

Yoosung, Zen, Saeyoung, Jumin, Rika, Saeran

Yoosung: I think you'd notice him in history class, he would be so flabbergasted by the events that the teacher is talking about. Would and will raise his hand just to say that it's horrible. No shit Sherlock. Would hang out with Saeran and scold Saeyoung for startling him, and pair up with Saeran during P.E. I think he would be in the exact middle between being popular and going unnoticed. Like, people notice him when he's with his popular friends but I don't think they will notice him for HIM. Would get a couple of girls having a crush on him but no fangirls

Zen: In the school cafeteria. He would be SURROUNDED. Like you couldn't even see him with all the girls and boys around him. Would start a food fight and everyone else but him would get into trouble. He's that kid that every female teacher loves so much that it starts to feel illegal. He seems like those people who never eat school lunches despite being in the cafeteria, but I think everyone would let him be because you do not wanna get beef with his fangirls.

707/Saeyoung: IN MATH CLASS. I CANNOT SAY IT ENOUGH IN MATH CLASS. He would correct the teacher so much that the teacher hates him for it. But nobody can deny that he's a genius. Would crack a few jokes during class which would make the teacher hate him even more but I don't think he cares. Would give Zen the idea to start a food fight and then run away so that he doesn't get in trouble. He would be very very popular because of being a class clown and Zen's friend, on top of being charismatic and handsome.

Jumin: In foreign literature class. He's one of those ib student, and probably gets the best grades. Wouldn't eat in the cafeteria bc bro's too good for that, no but I feel like he would be this kid with a hundred intolerance and allergy. Very serious to the point where it's annoying. Always gets picked in group projects tho because he will get the best grade and everybody knows that. His father probably donates a LOT to the school. He's pretty popular amongst the girls because he's quite handsome and stupidly rich, so he's got a good amount of fangirls around the school. The boys make fun of him for being stuck-up tho.

Rika: You'd probably find her in the library helping the librarian or doing extra work in the classroom. She's the perfect pretty girl. If a cat infiltrates the school, will pet it and defend it from those weird ass people that wanna hit it. Would get the best grades and I feel like she would take latin as an option (worst choice of life btw). She would be fairly popular amongst the student body because of her very very popular friends. Will get a burnout in the middle of the year and maybe quit school for a bit.

Saeran: Behind a tree reading. I think he would be an ib student too and for that reason would have a lot of books to read. And since he doesn't wanna hang out with Saeyoung to avoid getting in trouble, he would read those books at school. Will still be targeted by Saeyoung for pranks tho, but nothing mean just annoying enough to make Saeran go away with a big loud huff. He wouldn't eat in the cafeteria but he would still get his plate and then go to his tree again. Basically if you wanna find him he'll be next to his tree lmao. He's a hot topic at school because he's very calm and shy on top of being very pretty, so people think he's mysterious yk yk. Probably has a group of fangirls he's unaware of.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Doctor Who: Dot and Bubble (14x05)

Wow, holy shit. This season keeps getting better and better.

Cons:

I really only have one tiny complaint, and it's that I wish the walking thing had been done a little differently? I think, allegorically, the idea that they all need arrows and instruction to be able to walk around when they have their bubbles up all the time is a good idea. Like, often when I'm driving somewhere I should know how to get to on my own, I still pull up the map on my phone just as an extra sense of security, or because I never bothered to fully memorize which side street to turn down or what have you. So it makes sense on that level. But the part where Lindy is literally running into poles and desks and stuff read as a little too ridiculous. I wish it had been a little less literal? Like what if instead of running into stuff, it's that Lindy is overwhelmed by the variety of things she's looking at around her, constantly distracted and overwhelmed, and she needs to mutter instructions to herself in order to force herself to walk, and she still takes the sharp 90 degree turns everywhere because that's what she's used to. And then when faced with a monster right in front of her that's blocking her most natural path towards the exit, she freezes up and can't figure out how to make herself find an alternative route right away. That would work better than the scene where she's literally just running into a pole multiple times.

Pros:

But honestly! What a fucking stunning episode, with one of the best... I guess you could say, "twists", of any Doctor Who episode I can ever remember seeing. I'm not talking about the computers turning on the citizens of Finetime, I'm not talking about the home-world being taken over and not coming back to save everyone. I'm talking about Lindy and the others rejecting the Doctor's help at the end of the episode. That scene is an all time classic, instantly, I just know it.

But first let's back up and talk about Lindy as a character. I think this episode hinges on the way she toes the line the whole episode - you don't understand at first if Lindy is an example of her society, the same as everyone else, or if there's something special about her. Is she an exception to some rule, or just a coincidental POV character? She's terrified, but she tries her best - I was moved by the moments when she realizes how truly helpless she is without the bubble and cries out "I'm so stupid!" You feel a certain sense of connection with her utter helplessness and fear. She's so coddled, so trapped in her bubble, literally, that everything new and scary seems hostile to her.

So... she can be forgiven for not instantly trusting the Doctor and Ruby, right? Right? I mean, they're strangers who came out of nowhere, and she has no idea what's going on. She's just a girl in a socially dystopian scenario where everyone's so addicted to their phones that they've shut out the rest of the world, and she needs help!

That's layer one to what's going on here.

But underneath that layer, you start to notice other things pretty early on. We learn about Finetime, we learn that it's a place that only the most elite people send their children to work. We learn eventually that the very computer program running their lives has started to get sick of them and has decided to exterminate them due to the... inanity, the intolerable repetitiveness, of their pointless, vapid lives. This isn't a situation where everyone in the world is like these people. This is a situation where the wealthiest and most privileged have literally cut themselves off from experiencing anything outside of what they know, and it's a look at the reinforcement of certain beliefs that exist in that society, due to the extreme level of shelter these people are subjected to.

The way that privilege operates within the episode is also subtly and effectively condemnatory to the viewer, or at least to this viewer, in a way that really worked. I did note the whiteness of this world, specifically the white, blonde, stereotypically attractive, thin, able-bodied woman serving as our protagonist. She seemed to represent a type of person; she stands in for a type of ignorance and privilege that we recognize in our own world. But when that moment came at the end where Lindy and the other survivors reject the Doctor's help? You bet your ass I was scouring the background of the scene, searching for any people of color in the shot. I didn't find any. And yeah, it hadn't occurred to me that all the faces we see in Lindy's friend group, all the people we see in this whole world, were white - a white majority is burned into our brains as a default, it's what I, a white person myself, am accustomed to seeing on the screen.

I think the reason the scene at the end is going to stick in people's heads is because it's not a metaphorical bigotry the Doctor suffers in this moment. It's actual, it's in your face. These people aren't "symbolically" bigoted of the Doctor's otherness, they're literally just racists. They're fucking racists. And Lindy never was special - she only lasted as long as she did because her last name starts with a letter later on in the alphabet. She is utterly typical of the people in this world, and this world is a world of white supremacy, and that's all there is to it.

Ncuti Gatwa's performance of outrage and grief was absolutely stunning. I saw one reviewer talk about how it makes sense that the Doctor being Black hasn't been addressed on screen yet, as it would be a pretty wretched look for the show to cast this actor in the role and then have the character immediately suffer racism because of it. But at the same time, it should be addressed in some way, and here's the way in which it finally is. I was also moved by Ruby's silent grief. For the treatment of her friend, but also for the way in which something so evil and stupid and pointless is going to result in all these young people probably dying in the forest, all because they couldn't look past their ingrained prejudices to accept help from someone they deemed their inferior. Gatwa screams and laughs and it's clear that he's feeling so many things, such helplessness and bewilderment and frustration. I don't know how much the show will go into this, but it would be so interesting to have the character reflect on this moment where he realizes something completely arbitrary and out of his control actually has an impact on his ability to do his job well. The character has been a white man a bunch of times in a row, then a white woman, and now a Black man. The mind fuck of having direct evidence of how the world's prejudices work in all ways big and small... what an interesting avenue for the show to explore.

I should also bring up Ricky September, legend, gone too soon from this world, shoulda joined the Doctor and Ruby in the TARDIS and had a threesome with them, tbh. I love what this character represents. At first, he seems like the ultimate symbol of this vapid, image-obsessed, bubbled society, as he's shown mugging the camera singing twinkly little songs and being a sex object for his followers. But then we meet him, and he's a genuinely nice, thoughtful person who does his best to help Lindy. We learn that it's possible to live a life using the bubble for work and then logging off, learning more about the world through history instead of constantly partying and getting caught up in the moment. This story isn't really one about "kids these days on their phones with the TikToks and the blah blah blah." It's more about being entrenched in a loop, stuck with your head in the sand. And Ricky is someone who proves that there is a way to operate outside of that system. He's not necessarily a paragon of anti-racist virtue, but he's a dude who at least has taken some steps to push back against that automatic entrenchment, proving that such a thing can be done, even given the social pressures to sink into the reinforced bubble of prejudice. I also loved Ruby and the Doctor both having a crush on him.

And I love how his character winds up, a turning point where we're starting to realize that Lindy might not actually be redeemable as someone we need to be rooting for. Her sacrifice of her celebrity crush to the killer Dot was brutal, and it feels like such a good appetizer for the final scene of the episode, as the twist comes fully into play.

I think that without that final reveal at the end, this would still have been a good episode of Doctor Who. But with it, it's an all-time great episode. God, I already feel like I want to do a re-watch just to catch more of the build to that moment. I hope that next week we get more time with the Doctor, as we've had two Doctor-lite episodes in a row. But seriously - this season just keeps getting better and better as it goes.

10/10

[creature-wizard]

The importance of separating belief from practice from economy when criticizing spirituality

I notice that a lot of people who want to criticize harmful expressions of spirituality often conflate the beliefs and practices of those spiritualities together, rather than separating them and asking themselves which one is harmful exactly, and why.

Sometimes, both practice and belief are harmful. For example, going on a highly restrictive detox diet because it will supposedly rid your body of toxins put into regular food by an evil conspiracy. There's no evidence that detox diets actually work as claimed (and if they seem to, it may be that you actually have a food allergy or intolerance, and you feel better because you happen to be cutting out that food for awhile), and they can actually be very harmful. Meanwhile, this sort of conspiratorial worldview has roots in old antisemitic conspiracy theories used to justify violence against Jews in the past, and today, justify queerphobia and ableism by way of suggesting that an evil conspiracy is putting chemicals in our food and water that turn kids gay, transgender, or give them ADHD, autism, or whathveyou.

But other times, it's not quite so simple. For example, let's look at modes of faith healing that hold that you should eschew evidence-based medicine in favor of praying and getting right with God. Meanwhile, studies show that people who rely on faith healing don't exactly have a great recovery rate. Many children have died from treatable diseases because their parents were taught that sickness was a test of faith and God would damn them for seeking conventional medicine. (Can you even imagine how terrified of eternal damnation you'd have to be in order to watch your own child die in agony?)

If we look at most people who believe in prayer, we can see that most of them don't agree with this extreme position. Most people believe in prayer and evidence-based medicine. If anything, prayer gives many people a way to feel like they aren't just sitting around doing nothing while their loved ones are in the hospital, and that itself is arguably beneficial.

Now, if you personally have trauma connected to prayer, or just don't find any meaning or satisfaction in prayer, then it's fine if you don't want to do it. But that doesn't mean it's appropriate to tell everyone else that they shouldn't do it. When you do this, you're just using your own personal feelings as a moral compass, and as we know from observing the "thinking about gay sex grosses me out, therefore it's unnatural and against God's will" crowd, that's no way to go.

So how about beliefs and practices used to extort people? For example, energy healing services often come with steep price tags. But let's be real, so does evidence-based medicine in places like the US. This clearly does not mean people should just stop seeking evidence-based medicine. It does means that we drastically need to change the system, so healthcare is more accessible. Additionally, if there's one thing I've learned from researching alternative medicine, it's that practitioners are more likely to actually offer something for patients' complains, rather than telling them that it's all in their heads or that they need to lose weight. This doesn't mean that an exploitative alternative industry should be allowed to exist, of course. But it does mean that we need to understand how prejudice among doctors fuels it. Moreover, I think we can agree that someone who watches energy healing videos on free YouTube after they've done all they can from an evidence-based medicine standpoint, or offers free energy healing sessions to friends who are in the same boat, are not in the same category as scam victims and scammers.

So yeah, when you're out there criticizing harmful forms of spirituality and religion, remember to separate practice from belief from economy and examine each one separately and in terms of how they connect to each other and to larger issues, rather than putting it all on blast together.

[nachosncheezies]

Just found out another person I know - now 3 people in 3 different countries - is looking for opportunities to move abroad because of the social/political climates where they are and the direction those things seem to be headed. I don't like raining on anyone's parade and everyone should do what they think is best for them, but on the other hand... I don't know how to tell folks that these problems are universal. Not everywhere is as far down the slide as USA, and there are obviously differences in the ways and degrees to which different problems are manifesting in different places, but populism, nationalism, fascism, rascism, ableism, other -isms and -phobias and discrimination of all kinds - these are human problems, not unique to where you live. Unfortunately, they're not even unique to just a handful of places. There is no utopia "better place" where people are not actively having to fight against these things. The growing boldness of the intolerant is global. A noisy group in your home is bitching about immigrants and your government is cracking down? My friend, when you move abroad you are the foreigner in someone else's land. Even if you are lucky enough to make it through all the hoops and end up somewhere you can racially pass, in the eyes of the system (and a certain proportion of the population) you will always be an immigrant first and foremost. You will be vulnerable to finding yourself on the receiving end of the very injustices you're hoping to gain distance from. You have to fight. You have to fight. You have to fight.

[archivist-crow]

The Bell Witch - Part 1 of 4

The famous pre-American Civil War haunting of the Bell Witch involved poltergeist phenomena and spectral creatures, and, according to legend, tormented one man to death. The haunting excited the curiosity of many people, including General Andrew Jackson. The story exists in several versions, three of which are presented here. The first is probably closest to the true anecdote, as it allegedly is based on the diary of one of the Bell sons, Richard Williams Bell. The third version has a modern sequel. The different versions demonstrate how stories change in retelling.

Legend 1:

John Bell was a prosperous farmer who owned 1,000 acres near Adams, Tennessee. He had a beautiful wife, Lucy, and eight children. They were all devout Baptists and model citizens, In 1817, their lives inexplicably were turned upside down. The first signs were spectral creatures witnessed by Bell. One was a large, doglike thing that vanished when Bell fired upon it with his shotgun. The other was a large, turkeylike bird.

Following the appearances of the creatures, the home was plagued with knockings, rapping, and scrapings on the outside doors and windows. Sounds that resembled giant rats gnawing the bedposts and giant dogs clawing the floor were heard. These phenomena went on for about a year, and then covers began to be pulled off beds and invisible hands slapped faces and pulled hair. Particularly tormented was the Bells' 12-year-old daughter, Betsy, who was slapped, pinched, bruised and stuck with pins. Betsy was so afflicted that at first the family suspected her of perpetrating a trick on everyone else.

At first Bell was determined to keep the haunting a secret, but it became intolerable for the family. Bell at last confided in a neighbor, James Johnson, who discovered the offending spirit seemed to be intelligent, for it would temporarily desist when beseeched in the name of the Lord. Johnson advised forming an investigatory committee. With that, word went out, and the Bell home became the object of great curiosity.

The spirit began to whistle and then to speak. It gave various identities. It said it was "a Spirit from everywhere, Heaven, Hell, the Earth. I'm in the air, in houses, any place at any time. I've been created millions of years. That is all I will tell you." On another occasion, it said it was the spirit of a person who had been buried in the woods nearby, and whose grave had been disturbed. The bones had been scattered about, and a tooth was under the Bells' house. The spirit was looking for the tooth. The Bells searched, but no tooth was found.

On yet another occasion, the spirit said it was the ghost of an immigrant who had died and left a hidden fortune; it had returned to reveal to Betsy the location of the money. The spirit gave a location, and the Bell boys dug for hours without finding a thing. That night, the spirit laughed over the joke.

The townspeople came to think of the spirit as a witch. The spirit agreed, saying, "I am nothing more nor less than old Kate Batts' witch, and I'm determined to haunt and torment old Jack Bell as long as he lives." Kate Batts was a hefty local woman married to an invalid. She had once been dissatisfied with business dealings with Bell and had threatened to get even. She was still alive. From then on, the spirit was called "Kate."

"Kate" made almost daily appearances at the Bell home and visited everyone else in Robertson County as well, abusing them with her caustic tongue. She made predictions about the future, including the Civil War and the two World Wars of the 20th century. But her primary purposes were to torment "Old Jack," as she called Bell, and to torment Betsy in order to dissuade her from marrying a young man named Josh Gardner. "Kate" did not disturb Lucy Bell, nor Betsy's favorite little brother, John Jr.

"Kate" grew so famous that General Andrew Jackson decided to visit and bring along a "witch layer," a professional exorcist. Just outside the Bell farm, however, the Jackson carriage suddenly stopped and the wheels refused to budge. "Kates" voice then manifested, promising to appear that night in the home. The carriage became unstuck.

Later in the evening, "Kate" manifested with phantom footsteps and a voice. The witch layer attempted to shoot her with a silver bullet but was slapped about and frightened out of the house.

John Bell fell victim to repeated bouts of illness, for which "Kate" claimed responsibility. While he lay sick in bed, twitching and jerking, the spirit cursed him continuously. Finally, the ordeals wore him down and he told one son that the end was coming. He went to bed and never recovered.

His family found him in a stupor on the morning of December 19, 1820. A strange bottle was found in the medicine cabinet. When the liquid was administered to a cat, the animal went into convulsions and died. "Kate" exultantly declared that she had poisoned him with the liquid while he was asleep. Bell died the next morning. "Kate" shrieked in triumph.

The torments of Betsy began to diminish, encouraging her to announce her engagement to Gardner. That brought on a renewed attack from "Kate." In despair, Betsy broke the engagement and married another man, Dick Powell.

"Kate" announced to the Bell family that she would leave for seven years and marked her pledge with a cannonball-like object that rolled down the chimney and burst like smoke. As promised, "Kate" returned seven years later and plagued Mrs. Bell and two sons with scratchings and the pulling off of bed covers. They kept the return a secret, and the torments stopped after two weeks.

Before "Kate" left a second time, she visited the home of John Jr. and pledged to return in 107 years—in 1935— when she would bring bad tidings for Tennessee and the entire country. The year came and went without incident, but the area around the Bell farm is said to be haunted still.

The Bells never understood why they were singled out for such an unearthly attack. It is not known what the real Kate Batts had to say about it. Theories have been advanced that Betsy may have been a poltergeist agent. She was the right age, around puberty, and her strict Baptist upbringing may have caused repressed sexual guilt. She also may have had subconscious resentment toward her father. However, there is no evidence that she was unhappy or repressed. And, while the spirit did plague Betsy the most, it roved all over Robertson County and meddled in everyone's affairs. Perhaps the intense resentment and hatred bottled up in the real Kate Batts created a thought-form that took on a life of its own.

Abridged text from The Encyclopedia of Ghosts and Spirits, Third Edition by Rosemary Ellen Guiley (Checkmark Books - 2007)

[vanoincidence]

Cultauge (Cult Sausage) || Van & Wren

TIMING: current. LOCATION: sly slice. PARTIES: @asirenscream & @vanoincidence SUMMARY: wren goes to sly slice seeking normalcy. she doesn't really find it, because van is the one serving her. CONTENT: none!

Van was staring down at her phone when the door opened. The silence that followed would’ve been concerning, but she was used to customers being distracted before they were finally ready to order. However, the prolonged silence stretched a little too far for her liking, and finally, she looked up to see a girl who couldn’t be much older than herself standing across from her. “Um… hi–” No, she wasn’t supposed to start with um, that wasn’t how customer service worked. 

“Hi, welcome to Sly Slice.” There, that was much better. She looked from the girl to the door, half-expecting a few of her friends to trickle in, but nobody did. “Do you… want to order?” 

Wren was supposed to be able to handle anything the new world she was introduced to her had to offer. It didn’t exactly feel like that. Her favorite thing was to simply stay home. The mere idea of being out and about made her knees shake with unrelenting anxiety that made it hard to even breathe through. Her mission for the day had been to actually talk to someone. Anyone. Someone who wasn’t a bird, at least. 

The attempt hadn’t gone well so far. Wren had spent most of the day darting between buildings and hiding, a tremble in her fingers she couldn’t quite shake. She, instead, had dug around in various dumpsters and stuffed whatever she could find in usable condition in the bag Poppy had left her. (It was a brown leather bag with scuffs all over it, but she planned on treasuring it dearly since it was Poppy’s.) The search in dumpsters didn’t result in anything for the siren to eat. Her stomach had let out a pitiful growl. It was long past time to find something to eat.

It took longer than anticipated with how Wren avoided anyone and everyone on the sidewalks, but she eventually found what seemed to be some sort of restaurant. She pulled down the sunglasses she had found in the trash over her eyes, gripping tighter onto her bag, and pushed open the door. There was a girl standing behind the counter and Wren was doing her best to not outright run out of the restaurant. 

“Hi!” Wren squeaked out, another tentative step forward was taken. She couldn’t believe there was an actual human in front of her. This was utterly terrifying. “What do… you have?” Her voice cracked in the middle. She swallowed hard before trying again, “to eat! Do you have like… um. Do you have any meat?” This was definitely how this was supposed to go. Hopefully.  

Van stared across the way at the customer, watching as she visibly trembled with every word that was spoken. Was that what she looked like to other people? God, she hoped not. “This is a pizza place…” She cleared her throat and pointed upwards to the menu that hung over her head. In case the girl couldn’t see, she grabbed one of the leaflets with the four pizza types they had available as well as the drink menu which had all off-brand soda types. 

“There’s pepperoni and sausage, if that’s what you want? I mean, that is meat, so I’m guessing that is like, what you want.” She chewed the inside of her cheek as she watched her. Van wondered why she was wearing sunglasses inside and if it had anything to do with the bright fluorescents behind her, or if it was something else. 

“There’s cheese too, so like, if you’re lactose intolerant, I do have some lactaid? I mean, I’m not supposed to give them out ‘cause I think technically they’re medicine, but… there’s also cheese, and I feel like that’s really important.” 

Just behind her, there were a few warming stations with already made pizza, most of which had meat toppings. “They’re 2.25 a slice, or 13.00 for a full pizza.” 

Wren blinked a few times behind the shades of the sunglasses. Pizza. That was… human food. Right? There was so much that she was still trying to learn. Poppy had left her behind a journal and various things to learn more about how to pass in human society. Avoiding mirrors, avoiding saying she was a siren to begin with, and more things to just help her. This definitely wasn’t in anything she was left. What was the right thing to say? Oh, she was definitely failing this self imposed mission already.

“Right. Pizza! Pizza.” Wren shaped the word in her mouth and made a face at how utterly confusing it felt to say out loud. She took a few more tentative steps toward the counter to snatch the leaflet out of the woman’s hand. “Um,” her eyes looked down to the leaflet to see just what exactly pizza was. It definitely had meat on it, but not raw meat which was how Wren tended to eat it. 

Tilting her head slightly, Wren let out a long breath before looking back up to the girl behind the counter. “Do you have, like… raw meat pizza?” That was so something humans would ask for. This was easy. Ignoring the tremble in her own words, Wren did her best to stand up straight and act like she knew just what she was doing. “I will take one of these pizza like that and that lactaid, for sure!” 

Van was so used to going into customer service mode while beneath Sly Slice’s roof that it hadn’t even occurred to her that the girl across from her seemed to be a little more disheveled than most. Recently, most people seemed that way. The town seemed to always have something going on, and Van typically stuck her head in the sand when it came around to acknowledging it. It was easier that way. She already had so much of her own life changing every day, she didn’t need to look at what else was changing. 

“Pizza!” Van threw her hands up, making jazz hands as if to reveal the word they’d both said now more than a few times. Was this the first time that the girl had had it? It seemed to be, based on the way she was confused. That wouldn’t be a first, though. There were plenty of people who’d never had pizza before. 

“Raw… meat?” Van blinked at the customer, dumbfounded by the request. It reminded her of the time that raccoons had been eating all of their sausage and she had blamed Janice. “Is that.. a thing?” She’d heard of tartar, but she didn’t think that the beef they stocked at Sly Slice was good enough for that. “Um, I don’t think that we can do that. Like, food code or something. But you can have cooked meat, if that’s what you want? Do you want… that? With the lactaid?” Van was used to getting odd requests, and raw meat was one of the ones she’d come across before, but she always tended to push them in the direction of the kinds of stuff that wouldn’t get Rocky in trouble for. 

Wren flinched in surprise at the hand motion the girl made. She blinked a few times to try to find some inner calm within herself that definitely didn’t exist. Poppy had always made jokes about the way that Wren would rather stay in the nest than take on even the slightest uptick in the winds. Waiting in a stretching silence fit her way more than even managing a response to the obviously confused girl before her. Okay, so raw meat pizzas weren’t a human thing. This was going to be really weird then. How was she supposed to dig her way out of this?

The door was looking real nice to run out of right about now.

“Um,” the sting of tears were pricking at the corners of Wren’s eyes, hidden behind the bright pink sunglasses she was wearing. “Anything can be a thing if you want it to! That’s what… um. That’s what my cousin used to say.” Her voice pitched up an octave, feeling the way her bottom lip trembled. This was so hard. Why did she have to do this? She wanted to go home. Not the stupid house Poppy left her, but her actual home.

A sniffle finally escaped Wren despite her best efforts. Her hand rubbed at her cheek anxiously. “Never mind! Don’t, um… don’t worry about it!” Her voice cracked at the end as she swallowed around the lump in her throat. 

Not quite the observant type, Van missed the way that the customer inwardly flinched. She was too confused by the request of raw meat pizza, even though by Wicked’s Rest standards, that did seem fairly normal. She thought about Dr. Kavanagh and her request to keep the mice in the freezer at the apartment she was borrowing, and how she wouldn’t put it past Regan to ask the freezer at Sly Slice either at some point. 

People were just… weird, and it was clear that this customer was no exception to that. Who was Van to judge? She was weird, too. 

What Van did notice, however, was the tremble in the girl’s voice. That sounded like Van when she was about to start crying. Was this girl about to start crying? Over raw meat pizza? Was it some kind of delicacy in her family? Did she just really need her iron? Or was it zinc… Van had no clue. She opened her mouth to speak before it was made obvious by the sniffle from the customer that she was in fact crying. 

How would somebody try and fix this situation for her? They’d probably tell her raw meat was bad for her and force her to have regular pizza, but Van wasn’t Dr. Kavanagh or Emilio. No, she was Van. A free-thinker! Somebody who liked to give people what they wanted. 

“No, um– it’s– I can give… there is sausage that I can give you? You can just buy that instead?” She didn’t think the cooks would let her request the sausage not to be cooked, but she could probably get away with swiping one of the portions without them noticing. “Is that okay? Sausage? No pizza? You don’t even need lactaid, I don’t think!” She didn’t think there was milk in sausage. 

“I can um, I can go and get it for you? I don’t know how much to charge you for it, so…” The pink sunglasses the customer wore didn’t look expensive, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have money. Again, who was Van to judge? She was more broke than most people. “Does that… work?”

The ragged breath expelled from Wren rather abruptly. This definitely would be what Poppy would call ‘a total and complete disaster from start to finish’. It was embarrassing, beyond embarrassing even. Wren didn’t know how to function outside of her colony. This was going to be her home for how long now and it was stumble after stumble in trying to get settled. Could she even ever truly get settled with how miserably she was failing in just getting here? 

It took a few sharp inhales before Wren could even manage a response. A soft warmth fluttered through her chest at the kind offer. Maybe it was just to get her to stop crying like a child, but it was still kind nonetheless. “I would… I would like that, thank you.” She all but croaked out, fingers tangling together as she gripped at them to stop their shaking before the girl. It wasn’t like she couldn’t embarrass herself further. Wren knew it was highly likely, even. 

Money, right. Poppy had left her some in the notes and advice to pass in human culture. She finally pushed the sunglasses to rest on the top of her head as she pulled her bag around to dig through. She pulled out a handful of crinkled bills. There were various ones, fives, and a ten in there. This was also another hurdle she was struggling in figuring out: what exactly the currency system was and how it worked. She would have to keep reading Poppy’s notes. “Is this enough?” A shaky hand was extended out toward the human woman. 

Van knew that maybe she should have stayed firm on this subject, should have told her that no, only cooked pizza is available. But the way she looked, even from behind those glasses– it reminded her way too much of herself. Maybe it was like she was seeing a version of herself in the mirror. A slightly taller version with longer hair, but still. 

She leaned over the counter to get a better look as the customer began to dig into her bag for what she could only assume to be money. What if she pulled out Canadian coins? What would Van tell her? Maybe she should find Thea and see if she could do an exchange of some kind. But after a moment, no, it wasn’t the Queen whose face disgraced her vision, it was one of the old men in the ugly paper. At least Canadian money looked pretty. 

“Um…” She tried to get a view of just how much money there was, but couldn’t quite see. Whatever, it’s not like Rocky hadn’t had sausage go missing before. “Hold on.” 

Van dashed into the back room, slinking towards the freezer. Their newest cook was on their phone, leaning against the opposite wall with one earbud in– completely unaware to her existence. She pulled open the fridge and grabbed one of the large bundles of sausage, tucking it under her arm before returning to the front. 

Brushing some of the hair out of her eyes, she slapped the sausage onto the counter between herself and the customer. It made a squishing sound as she dropped it down, but there it was– raw and a myriad of pinks and reds. “Is this okay? We don’t really have like…other stuff, just this.” She gave the girl a hopeful glance before she shook her head at the money. “You can um, keep that. This sausage is on the house.” How many things had been given to her for free because of the way she looked? Pitiful, even behind a pair of sunglasses. Maybe Van had it all wrong– maybe this girl needed the sausage to provide for more people than just herself, and more than what pizza could offer. 

But she’d asked for raw pizza, too. Van thought about the raccoons again and her nose twitched in response to the idea of eating the meat from the fridge. “Um… can I ask, though? Are you like, one of those heavy carnivore people? You know, like the girl on Tik tok who eats a lot of butter..?”

Wren blinked, money still outstretched in her hand. The girl told her to ‘hold on’ then all but rushed off. It wasn’t long before the girl was back with the sausage. Slowly, Wren pulled her outstretched hand back and deposited the money into her bag once more. Maybe she needed more? She plucked the sunglasses off the top of her head and dropped them into the bag, too. Maybe she’d have to use that as a payment, too. Do restaurants take sunglasses as payments? She’d have to look back at her notes or simply hope for the best. 

Clamping her mouth shut in fear that her teeth would turn into the razor sharp form they normally were, Wren observed the sausage curiously. It hadn’t even occurred to her to enthrall the woman behind the counter into giving her the food she wanted. Now the mere thought made her feel uncomfortable. It was out of the kindness of her own heart that she did this. She wasn’t sure if she’d see this girl again, but she vowed she wouldn’t ever use her abilities on her. Did she want to be friends with her? Wren never really had a friend outside of Poppy before. The other sirens in her colony thought she was too bossy or too much of a baby to be around. 

“Yes! It’s—it’s great, thank you.” Wren wiped at her damp cheeks and took the last few tentative steps to fully approach the counter. So ‘on the house’ meant no money needed. She’d have to remember that. Or remember long enough at least to put it down in her overflowing book of notes about humans she had. Her manicured nail poked at the sausage before her attention was drawn back to the girl.

“Tick… tock?” The words felt foreign and odd on Wren’s tongue. “Is that a uh… what is that?” She asked curiously. There was no way she’d be able to begin to even guess what a tick tock may be. “Um, I—I just… eat a lot of raw meat, yeah! Ever since I was a little—a little child?” That’s what adolescent humans were called. She remembered! Score one for Wren. “Do you like this butter? What do you like?” More research to be able to help her fit in. She could use this. 

Once the girl’s glasses were off, it was that much more apparent that yes, she had been crying. Van bit the inside of her cheek, suddenly feeling a little more awkward than she previously did. Was this how people felt around her? Then again, she wasn’t going around asking for raw meat. She didn’t cry over meat, it wasn’t worth it. Maybe slimjims, but never sausage. 

Half of her thought that when the customer reached forward for the sausage, she’d be infected with something– the urge to cry, maybe. As if the customer would transfer her anxiety over. Van smiled at the girl despite her inner thoughts, knowing that when someone was kind, it made the situation that much better. When people looked annoyed– that was what usually made Van cry a little harder, at least. 

“Tik Tok, it’s the… app?” She thought about Wynne and how they hardly knew anything at all, and Van began to theorize that maybe this customer was from a cult, too. A weird, raw meat eating one, but one nonetheless. Though, Wynne hadn’t liked the use of that word. “People post videos and things, and there’s a girl on there who eats a lot of meat and also like, blocks of butter.” She fiddled with a loose string on the hem of her work shirt as she explained. 

But it was being cleared up– the reason as to why she needed the raw meat. “I used to eat a lot of soup as a kid, so I guess… but I don’t think raw soup is a thing, since it’s heated? It has to be cooked.” She was sure it was out there somewhere, some version of raw soup, but it didn’t really entice her in any way. Van shook her head. “I’m not… a butter fan.” She liked butter in things, but the idea of eating it whole made her a little queasy. “What do… I like?” She pointed at herself, slightly surprised by the question. 

“Um… I like slim jims and red bulls.” Van looked down at her t-shirt and pulled the nametag forward, “my name is Van, by the way.” Maybe she could get this person’s name and connect her with Wynne. They could discuss their cults and maybe the girl across from her would no longer feel the need to eat raw meat. “Not like the car, but– like Vanessa. See? It’s scratched out.” She pointed towards where she’d taken the sharpie to the end of her name tag. 

Wren’s fingers wrapped around the sausage and awkwardly picked it up. She could feel the look she was getting from the woman and it made her want to squirm on the spot. Running away still sounded really good right now. Maybe she could take up hiding away in an alleyway again. Though, that wasn’t very comfortable or warm right now. She could run away eventually, just not yet. That wasn’t very polite or what humans considered polite at least. She remembered reading that in the book left for her. This interaction, at least, would give her something to add to the book of notes. 

“App. I see.” Wren repeated the words coming from the woman as if that would make them stick around in her brain longer. She’d have to work on her computer skills some more and figure out what exactly this ‘Tick Tock’ thing was. Whatever she needed to do to blend in. The urge to start trembling was prevalent. That was a daunting task. It meant interacting with people and doing her best to not stand out. If she could melt into the floor right this moment then she would do that. Figuring out what the heart wanted most from others was easy work, but finding out just how to keep eyes turning toward her was a big feat. She didn’t think figuring out what people wanted most would help her much on that front. 

Wren’s eyes were wide as she paid rapt attention to what the girl was telling her. If she could commit the words to be ingrained inside her head she would. She also couldn’t help but get distracted momentarily on just how kind and careful the woman was with her. It was hard to not feel like Wren was mere moments away from a meltdown, but no matter how anxiety-inducing this had been for her she felt an urge to be optimistic. It would take more than just one interaction to bring her out of this self imposed shell, but this was at least a nice, not super scary start. (Her own crying aside. That was normal for her.)

“Hi, Van.” Wren greeted, swallowing around the swell of anxiety. “Those sound like all nice things to eat. Very yummy!” She had no idea what any of them were—or what a van was outside of the kind woman she had met. “I’m Wren, like the bird. Um, I’m going—I’m going to go. Thank you very much for the free meat.” Awkwardly, Wren dropped the wrapped food into her bag and took a few staggered backwards steps toward the door. “Maybe I will be back! With um, real pizza requests!” Blindly reaching back, Wren shoved open the door and dashed out of it back toward the streets. 

A loud, sharp exhale escaped the siren as she turned down the first alleyway she came across. At least Wren had something to eat for a little bit. That had been enough adventure for one day, she decided. She still wasn’t entirely sure about how exactly to navigate the human world and the people in it, but that hadn’t been the worst start. 

“Wren, like the bird!” Van nodded, committing the name to memory. It’d be easy to remember it, and maybe Wynne would even feel the need to befriend her since their names were similar. She tucked the thought away, nodding. “They are like, really good.” Better than raw sausage. She didn’t say it outloud, gaze scanning the meat that she had already handed over. It was still a little weird, but she knew deep down that she shouldn’t judge. 

Before Van could get another word in, Wren was backtracking towards the door and pushing it open. “Please come for pizza! Your cult doesn’t control you!” She figured it was lost on Wren, as the door was already closed and she was gone. Van stood there for a moment, preoccupied by the way her chest wound tight. It’d been awhile since she’d taken control of a situation– noticed the way that somebody else might have needed reassurance. 

Now that she was alone, she felt the jitters from the conversation and she took a deep breath, easing herself back into her work routine. She’d need to tell Wynne about Wren before Wren went back to her cult and she knew it. 

[medicus-felini]

ᓚᘏᗢ Small (actually not so small) vent below. [Depression tw]

I don't know how to describe it exactly why but I got a massive mental burnout the other day. It may be not my bestest decision to share it here but I feel writing it down is better than keeping it for myself.

All the bad things that happened and still happen to me caught up. I feel awful. I lie awake the whole night only to break out in tears when my partner woke up. There was too much in my head to even spell out what exactly made me break down.

I am looking for a job for years, trying to get a normal daily shedule only to never get an answer and to fuck up my sleep shedule for the 100th time. I am getting 25 this year. My depression and panic disorder I developed when covid began seemed to 'heal' in a way. I went to group therapy, got medication which I still take to this day. I am stuck because I have trouble doing phone calls. Trouble TIPING IN numbers for real therapists.

Time is awful. When will I be done with learning a job? I will be 28 if it happens someone recruits me this year. And then I work. I will have so much less time for things I like. Speaking of which: I catch myself falling into the 'I don't enjoy the things I normally enjoyed' loop again. That was one of the main reasons for taking antidepresants and it now seems to crawl back.

I want to at least do something I enjoy. Writing, drawing, playing video games. I started to feel little joy in it again. It makes me angry to not be happy with my time. I don't want this.

I text my family less and less not because I am mentally exhausted but because of their believes. All except my dad (which I always had little contact to) openly and proudly boast about how they vote right wing parties in Germany. You can't discuss with them. I can't. Because I instantly start crying like some trauma haunted 12 year old back in the day when my mom raised her voice. This party I am speaking of actively stands for traditional beliefs, inbetween against lgbtqia+ (which, surprise, I am part of).

They only see points they like. "Oh, they won't get this through, you will be fine." BUT YOU VOTE FOR THESE BELIEVES. You actively support these anti lgbtqia+ shit only because you are racist and intolerant towards NORMAL PEOPLE who live their lives in Germany like everybody else for years.

Next thing is they hate my partner. Something that really only was a question of time passing. My mother always seems to dislike my and my sisters partners after some time. Finding little things she can pick on and passive aggressively point them out. Making everyone awkward and feeling unwelcomed. I feel unwelcome. It is my partner. My choice. You despite my choice and thus insult me with it. Family gatherings became horrible. My partner doesn't want to say anything because he is scared to 'mess up' and my mother getting fuel for her hatred. My sister is young and living with her. She took on my mother's believes politcal wise. I love her dearly but I feel like she also only plays mirage only to talk bad behind my back, which she usually does with other people.

I feel so alien. I don't even want to drive over there to my birthday. I would love to but it doesn't feel like my family anymore. It feels all so forced. My dog gets older too. He is the reason I still look forward a little bit when visiting them.

Writing this feels good in a way tho. Even if I know the majority of my moots only as little guys in my screen, I feel loved. I will observe my mental state these next weeks. If it doesn't get better, I'll call my doc and ask if we can higher my dosis. Just so I can think clearly and focus on important matters.

*Siiiigh* okay okay thanks for being lovely babes ♡

[shonenkun309]

[A promise but at what cost?]

A what if scenario : "What if Kuya kept his promise to his old best friend?"

TW : Blood, mention of a character's death, descriptions of scenes that some may find disturbing, I might receive some "WHY" comments in the comment section😅

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It wasn't an easy battle at all, the ground of the Kanda Myojin shrine were stained with blood now...It was a terrifying sight but your eyes were completely indifferent to how much the blood was on the ground as much as you were focused on the scene in front of you...There, Kuya clutching the blade with his arm stretched out in front of him, his golden eyes that once shone, darkened by what he had done...In front of him stands Koga, the blade that once belonged to him is now against him, piercing his chest and blood dripping from it...The Ogre's features looked sad and languid, his crimson red eyes looked dull after shining like gold, just like the irises of the Tengu before him.

“No...” Aoi said in a trembling tone while averting his gaze from the horrible sight he had witnessed, Ginnojo was unable to say anything but merely bowed his head and gritted his teeth fully realising that he was unable to do anything...Likewise for Yura who was putting his sleeve over his mouth as if he expected what might happen, Nachi, who was standing next to you, holding your unconscious father on hand, and his mind isn't comprehending what happened on the other. From the intensity of the quietness that was controlling the place, a slight cough passed over everyone's ears, suddenly, to find that Koga began to spit blood from his mouth in abundance, his features began to darken more, his hair that was white as snow returned to match the color of the dark sky that night, Kuya was still holding that blade in his hand but he pulled it very slowly with a cold look on his face to throw the blade, which in turn became stained with blood, and the iron blade hit the ground, causing an annoying echo, in addition to the fact that the sight of the bloody blade was disturbing in itself. Koga's legs couldn't hold him any longer and his body began to fall apart. Because it was a reflex, Kuya rushed with his strong arms to grab his partner's completely collapsed body.

Here at last, your voice came out into the open to come out like a loud scream trying to deny what happened and ended in front of you, you wanted to reach them to make sure that everything you see is just an illusion, a terrible nightmare that you want to get up from as soon as possible...but it wasn't like that...What you witnessed is real, realistic, and you are supposed to accept it, you're forced to accept it no matter how harsh and intolerable it is. You kept trying to break free from your comrades holding you, trying to prevent you from seeing how awful it was more closely and unfortunately, your small body compared to their strength didn't allow you to break free...so you just raised you arm in an attempt to reach them pretending that you may prevent what has already happened and tears flowed profusely from your eyes, but why?

Why did you react in such an exaggerated way about what happened? Is it because you reject the idea of two best friends fighting to death? Is it because maybe you had a solution other than ending it in such a terrible way? Or is it something else entirely, something that isn't related to the matter of two close friends or the like, but was a reason related to your feelings, and your feelings overflowed for the sake of someone who wanted his end to be like this if necessary.

Everything happened so quickly but it seemed as if time had completely frozen, that's only for you to notice that certain crimson irises were casting their gazes at you, only to be surprised that those eyes belonged to Koga whose body collapsed on top of Kuya's body that he was barely able to hold on to. Of course, after the carnage form, his face grew paler with each passing second, his facial features that used to be bright and lively have now become sad and lamentable, but this didn't prevent him from forcing his worn-out features from drawing the last smile on his face for your sake, wanting to convey a curtain message to you in his own way.

It didn't occur to you what that message was that he was trying to convey to you with his weak smile, and it seems that you'll never find enough time for that as you noticed that those used-to-be gorgeous crimon eyes closed never to open again. Gravity overcame his body and insisted on dropping him to the ground, but Kuya's arms refused to do so...The tengu's arms, despite their strength, the trembling in them was very clear, until he, in turn, knelt on his knees, explaining that it was all over, but at what cost? "I kept my promise...are you satisfied now?"

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Now go ahead and hate me cuz I already hate myself for doing this!!! 😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔

[stardustedknuckles]

So I woke up to the power out. No storm. No indication of a fried squirrel. I sent a very carefully worded text to my dad who lost his job last month asking if the utilities had gone through, and seemed like they had. With no computer to work on and nothing to shield my ears from the sounds of the cats self administering their morning baths with gusto, I decided to go for a walk.

Now. I'm of the belief that there's nothing wrong with leaving the door unlocked for ten minutes to walk around the block. My father, who believes every stranger is a potential threat, drilled it into me early on in our move here that the front door needs to be locked on every walk, no matter how short (unless it's to the mailbox). He has a doorbell camera, so he knows if I don't. Whatever. I lock the door. I don't have to bring my keys (which was the biggest reason I left the door unlocked) since he got a keypad for the garage door. I can come back in that way and have for about three years.

Well. Those require power.

I pulled the front door shut behind me this morning and immediately cringed. My heat intolerant ass was outside, legs already feeling weak, without a wallet, morning vitamins, water, or food, and no knowledge whether the QT a mile away would take tap to pay on my phone (which I had to set up as soon as I got to the park, and thank the gods my cashapp card has an app function that lets you see its information so I COULD set up tap to pay).

I've busted the door open at my mom's with a credit card a few times and figured I could probably do it our front door, if I only got a card. It was 8 in the morning though, and I wasn't sure who was up.

(On the way to the park I passed a lady getting into her car with a giant dog. On the way back, I saw her front door was open about a foot and two cats were outside. I stopped and called out into the house. No response. I knocked, called again. Nobody home. The cats went inside. I shut her door. I really hope those were her cats.)

My nosy neighbor was out and about to leave, and though it would cost me friendly grilling about my life, my dad's life, and any potential lives that might intersect with ours, I thought she might have a credit card she didn't care about. She at least had a dog, which I got to pet while she explained she doesn't carry any cards she doesn't use and she doesn't give her information to credit card companies because big data is coming for us all.

She's not entirely wrong, but the faded trump/pence bumper sticker on her truck had my visibly queer ass nodding a bit more enthusiastically than I might otherwise.

When I finally extricated myself from her (no, I'm still not interested in essential oils, I have allergies to them, thank you for thinking of me, uh-huh, you too!) I checked the mail. I've been home alone Monday through Friday for weeks since dad got a new job and took the car, and I'm not very good at keeping up with the mail, so I hoped to find one of those fake cards they send you in hopes you'll call and get a real one. No dice. I was proud of myself for that idea and everything.

By then, we were hitting the low seventies and the morning mist was dissipating. The sun wasn't fully out yet, but it was unmistakably warmer, and me in my pants with an antihistamine in me from yesterday (they cause greater heat intolerance). There was a man loading his truck a couple driveways down. Never met him before, but I'd seen him. I approached, gave him my name, and sheepishly relayed the morning to him. Thankfully everyone else's power was out too, so I didn't sound too much like I was asking for him to aid and abet a break-in.

He agreed to help but wanted to be the one to do it - as in, "I'll walk with you" and didn't want my paws on his card. He gave the front door a really good try, but privately I still feel like he gave up before he could get it. Still, I was grateful for him ruining a card trying to help me and we tried the shittier door that led to the inside of the garage. Deadbolted. Goddammit dad.

Fast forward to him showing me a trick on the sliding glass door with a screwdriver - we had built up something of a friendly bond through adversity by then, though I never did get his name - which didn't work but reminded me that even though I'm really careful to lock windows (no cracks for spiders to get in that way) I might have left the kitchen window unlocked from when I opened it for my cat. We both tried using the bricks of the house to hop up and see if the latch was shut before we would try prying off the screen.

The latch was shut, and as I dropped back defeated onto the cracked concrete slab that could and had been very generously described by realtors as a patio, hot and starting to sweat, I put my hands on my hips and squinted up into the yellow porch light. And in a very rare DC 10 perception check, I REALIZED what I was seeing.

I must've made a noise, because neighbor guy looked to me with a little confusion. I pointed. He looked, tipped his head, processed. His whole face cleared. He wasn't the sort to laugh easy - gruff, built like an electric foreman, which is to say like my stepfather - but he shook his head with a little smile and made sure I could get in the garage before pushing up the bill of his cap with a finger and wandering off back to his day with his screwdriver.

My day hasn't even started yet. The email my dad (2.5 hours away) forwarded me before my walk estimated it would be four hours before the power came back. I knew it wouldn't take that many, but I didn't dare hope it would only take two. I told my supervisor then that I would keep her updated and I've still got two hours before that time hits. I spent half of one writing this, and I'm going to take ten more to eat something, and then I'll hop online and get busy.

But man. What a morning.

[sky-thoughts]

Baldurs gate 3 : Spoilers

I really need to talk about this game because I have been bawling my eyes out during the climax of Astarions story arc for the past two days. This elven vampire's story really crushed my heart.

Spoiler and trigger warning.

I've read a lot online since I have been fully immersed in this game for the past weeks and I wanted to write down my thoughts. Larian studios really know how to tell a story.

When you first meet Astarion he just seems like an unreliable, selfish, person that always puts himself and his own needs in front of everyone else. To get his approval early you need to be cruel to the ones he view as weak and as the story unfolds he tells you about his master, or abuser. I feel as if his intolerance towards the weak is a mirror of his relationship with his abuser in which he views himself in the weak and despises them for not taking agency against whatever is tormenting them. My view is that he never got help and therefore his anger towards the "weak" you help during your adventure comes from envy, he never got help and he still got where he is today.

This is my analysis on his first impression because it resonated so deeply with me since this is how I've viewed the world for so long before.

After a while he seduces you (or tries to) with sex. As time passes you learn that his former master Cazador used him to lure victims into his lair. When you gain Astarions trust after you've had a meeting with a drow that wants him to bite her and you let him say no since he doesn't want to a really beautiful scene is presented. Astarion says it would've been so easy to just "go along" with what you told him to do, "a little self disgust and then carry on as normal" but that when you told him you don't wanted him to do anything he didn't want to he felt seen and cared for, for the first time. He had to use his body as an instrument and after this he doesn't want to have sex anymore because it reminds him of the abuse and he feels disgusted with himself. For him, sex had never been about pleasure or feelings, only a means to achieve a goal. This was such a heartbreaking scene.

And lastly, onto his meeting with Cazador, the scene that left me bawling my eyes out. Fucking hell this story broke my heart.

Astarion has been deadlocked on revenge. Honestly I've always basked in daydreams of revenge and violence to keep myself calm. I hate how the world is and all the hate it in, it makes me lose hope in all humans and this is also Astarions view. We get to read a diary of Cazadors master and how he taught him about violence, solitude, and fear to keep your power and only viewing everyone as subordinates, not letting anyone become you equal. It was also his that go him killed, ironically, when Cazador overthrew him.

Astarion finally faces his master and defeats him. When he pulls him out of the coffin you can persuade him not to do the ritual that his master wanted him and all the other victims for. You tell Astarion that "This won't set you free, you'll only become like Cazador" and continue the circle of violence. Astarion sees this and then says "but I'm not above this" as he stabs his master while laughing. Then he starts crying, as if the sweetness of revenge left him too fast. I honestly broke down here because you can live on the anger and it is the only thing that keeps your spark alive but once you've got your revenge it all goes away. You'll have to start living and move on but you haven't known any other feeling than anger for years, it has been all you've been, your whole identity. And when you ask Astarion how he feels he says "It's so much, all I've lost, all I've gained, I honestly feel a bit numb." He finally got his revenge, all that anger bursted out in that stabbing, and the will that got him going aswell. He needs to find a new reason to keep on going, to truly start living for himself and finding a reason by yourself is nearly impossible when all you've learned is anger.

Thank you Larian studios for this game, you'll be hearing from my therapist.

[horizon-verizon]

I don’t even think that Aegon II can be compared to Maegor. Sure, both are usurpers, rapists, tyrannical, cruel, and extremely violent, but Maegor was highly intelligent, and while he was brutal beyond words prosecuting his war against the Faith, it was genuinely a war, one started by the Faith no less, who were openly trying to overthrow the entire Targaryen dynasty because of their practice of incest.

There also the fact that his brother’s way of ruling, while undeniably less violent, only led to divisions and the weakening of royal authority. His tactics, while creating severe long term problems, did stabilize and centralized the Crown within King’s Landing, and it can still be argued that the amount of violence and war he had against many of the houses bled away enough of the other houses and families power that his reign did more to solidify the Targaryen rule then his brother’s did.

Jaehaerys and Alysanne managed to push through their incestuous marriage in part because Maegor had previously suppressed much of the most violent opposition to Targaryen rule and customs. Notably, Jaehaerys and the subsequent kings declined to reverse his outlawing of the Faith Militant.

His drastic solutions bore fruit repeatedly down the years: particularly post-dragons. Cersei finds out first-hand why he had such a severe and unrelenting policy regarding the Faith Militant.

And it was in his reign that the construction of the Red Keep was completed. (The royal apartments are housed in the holdfast that continues to bear Maegor’s name.) 

Ultimately, Maegor was a truly appalling man but not a completely incompetent or ineffectual ruler, unlike Aegon II.

I already expressed my thought about Maegor HERE, but not in further detail.

1.

I wouldn't go so far as to say "highly intelligent" for Maegor. He wasn't necessarily stupid, but he also didn't have the intelligence or cunning that I'd say either Jaehaerys or Alysanne had. He didn't seem able to come up with cunning, nonviolent ways to suppress the Faith first, which isn't weak (Doctrine of Exceptionalism, after all) or use some mixture as a first resort, AND he couldn't right after he came into power because of Aenys' blunders, allowing the Faith's power to grow after Aenys refused to use any sort of substantive countermeasure, hard or soft power. Aenys lacked ruthlessness and fortitude and was unwilling to lose public favor, thinking that was enough to keep him on the throne or hold power. If everyone "likes" you, they want you to continue to be their leader, yes?

But Maegor's special brand of cruel violence didn't stay towards the Faith, it also extended towards the family overall it was always his first move. It got him only fear from people, when to rule you need people to respect your ability to rule without fearing that the next day you will kill them for just protesting against an already morally questionable action. did Tyanna kill his second wife, Alys yes. Why did Alys AHrroway and her entire house have to die, though, even if Alys had affairs? And the violence done to Tyanna--cutting out her heart when coupled with the fact that he himself ignored her (despite her being his mistress of whispers for some time and serving him else wise), is impurely intolerable.

2.

Though I agree that, ironically, his "work" against the Faith was necessary and lasting (though the last part because his successor chose to continue to suppress the Faith's ability to say much about what Targs can do concerning the Valyrian incestuous marriage), like Aegon II, who dealt with the Shepherd as what needed to be done, Maegor killed such people for his own agenda of dominance and he did it with no balance of other tactics to inspire real loyalty or get people to at least trust he wouldn't destroy them. In that, the two can be compared and made parallels. He ruled with too much fear.

Obviously, it was objectively better for the dynasty that such zealotry be put down and for this territory to be less influenced (even a little) by Seven tenets, it's worth it as well to point out that Maegor was more than willing to take advantage of the patriarchal sense in the Seven/Andal traditions. Ironically, it is the fact that since Andal traditions prioritize male power and male virility over much else, Maegor took advantage to do as he wished and marry Alys Harroway for the sake of continuing the Targ lineage...and doing it through himself.

Yes, he named Aerea as his heir, but that was expedient for his own goals instead of a trust in her or belief in her right to rule. As was marrying her mother/his niece Rhaena to him forcibly. And his treatment of his wives at their inability to birth male heirs, heirs at all, from him showed his own acts of suppressing those around him--especially his female relatives/companions--for himself Visenys was physically and politically safe from him, but he didn't have as much regard for her as we'd want from someone who actually leads a people: he left her sword, Dark Sister, to hang in Dragonstone after Aenys gave (stupidly) gave him Blackfyre, the king's/monarch's sword. Aegon didn't hurt Alicent, nor did he dismiss her in such a clear act, but he also did not/would not take her nor other councilors' advice or strategies in his paranoid impatience. Which displays the same sort of male entitlement buttressed by Andal uber-male prioritization. And yet, both men were able to ascend because their mothers brought them in.

3.

The Dance was also a war, anon. One that spanned almost as many years as Maegor's wars with the Faith/HS. It is also a "genuine" war.

You will not hear from me any favor for the Faith religion. Maegor's war with the Faith definitely happened because it/the then High Septon would not accept: Aenys marrying his children together; Maegor marrying other women and refusing to keep Ceryse Hightower--the High Septon's relative--as his only wife/Queen Consort; and overall Valyrian practices from gaining precedence over the ruling family. Maegor's polygamy and later incest/dominance vs Rhaenyra's bid for the throne/dominance, however, are two different things with their own moral significances for both Westeros and the Targ dynasty.

At the same time, he, Aegon, and Rhaenyra all went to war for their own interests and not for a grander, altruistic goal to protect the realm or the innocent, as Dany does for slavery in Essos. All three contended with Andal traditions and Andal figures who wished for their own cultural/religious identities, privileges, principles, and positions to influence or subdue the Targ's Valyrian's for their own gain.

Again, simultaneously: Rhaenyra, as a woman who pressed to ascend, fought for herself in a world that sought to deny her that basic feudalist/monarchial privilege. It isn't about absolute or feudal monarchy being a good or bad thing (because with war showing how obvious that is), so much about the cultural importance of a woman causing change by continuing to press for autonomous power of her own which her society could grant a person. With Maegor's war, yes that had its own cultural significance that you already explained.

Maegor contributed, ironically, to Targ assimilation into Andal culture, even by just denying one or two women in his house autonomy, as it set up and made it easier for Jaehaerys to himself use female exclusion to strengthen his own rule/claim. He was also too brutal and never balanced that with the sort of soft power & manipulation Jaehaerys excelled at...because he was adamant at trying to lay claim to the throne above all else. To the point where he also divided the dynasty...which is not good for a dynasty.