#(threads and how much i love getting to analyze them and connecting it to things I've seen before | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

vasito-de-leche · 8 days ago

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I just wanna thank you for your work! I’ve been reading all of your posts since I stumbled across your self aware Reverse: 1999, and I love your in depth analysis (my favorite is currently the afflatus one). It inspired me to think more critically and creatively when it comes to character and world building.

If it’s not too much, could you share how you headcanon and analyze characters that don’t have a lot of information about them? Similar to how you did with the Saja Boys. I want to write a fanfiction for this game, but some of the characters’ lore aren’t out yet (and it’s still in beta), and I’ve come to multiple stumps when brainstorming ideas.

I love your work!! Keep it up 💖 💖

oh, a long time veteran follower ...!! I'm so flattered!! tysm for the kind words, I'm glad I could get people to think deeper about blorbo or their favorite media!

as for your question, I'll put my entire thought process under the cut!

being totally honest, 80% of the time I just Know How I Want To Perceive a character or whatever I'm analyzing, like

I have an obsessive brain that loves to Perceive and Connect Dots, so it comes to me ALL AT ONCE and I just spend an ungodly amount of hours trying to untangle the thoughts and turn them into a cohesive post, so apologies if this doesn't make a lot of sense LMFAO

if we're talking CHARACTER WISE, I guess first of all I focus on how the media I'm watching is trying to present the characters in question; for example, Abs Saja, his name is already a giveaway for the role he's trying to fulfill in the group (just like all others lmfao, I mean, ROMANCE, ok man) which then I relate to how those roles are all mostly classic stereotypes that the public enjoys and that exist for marketing purposes, because they're easier to recognize etc.

This Guy is meant to be the muscle/eye candy of the group, easy. This can also be related to how unimportant he (and the other unnamed Saja) are in the grand scheme of things, reduced to just archetypes while Jinu gets to be. Jinu.

...Which can be a fun detail to note when exploring the way they interact with each other; do any of the Saja resent being just One Trait? Would they even care? Why these traits in particular? Jinu gets to have a name, but he's also the leader and face of the band, so perhaps these one-word traits are related to how the boys used to be/are outside of the Saja Boys?

BUT WATCH OUT! There's ONE moment where we see he signs stuff as "ABBY" which is a cute nickname! And he draws his own abs for his auntie fans in this scene too, which might mean he's playful or less serious than the rest because none of this really feels like Standard Evil Plan Shenanigans They're Forced To Do. Since there's less canonical information to go off, I can start thinking based on the Vibes

For a less obvious example, Pavia--his name is literally a city in Italy, which is very curious. I know that arcanists have different naming conventions, or that at the very least, people have codenames aside from their actual names in this universe. Sotheby is Sotheby because that's her last name and we don't know her Actual Name, which can be a hint towards how her family heritage and wealth come first and foremost, before herself as an individual. Mesmer Jr. also falls within this same pattern, but then there's characters like Horropedia, who canonically named himself as such and prefers this more than his real name Joshua, or someone like Click whose naming backstory is a harder to figure out but we could assume he's named Like This because his passion is photography and that's the sound a camera makes when you take a pic. So OBVIOUSLY there's an intent behind this choice

So I go look into the reasons he would've been named like this, literally by looking up "werewolf pavia" and see where it leads me. and this specific thread led me to a wikipedia article of some guy named Jobus Fincelius who wrote some book about werewolves and, namely, brings up a farmer guy in the city of Pavia. and then boom, connection made

And now that I have this bit of info, I can relate it to how Pavia is as a character; did he name himself after this city because he might've heard this rumour about a werewolf in the city of Pavia? Why would he do this and When? How could this relate to his situation at the time vs how it applies to him now as we know him? Are there any details in any of his appearances, dialogue or profile details that can hint towards something or another--Oh! A lot of his information deals about how he separates himself from humanity/society, or that he feels way more comfortable with his wolfpack than having to work with other people, maybe he named himself Like This to further separate himself from humanity/society!

It's just a lot of this back and forth, I look at whatever detail that strikes me about the character, analyze why it might exist (from a meta perspective and from an in-universe perspective) and then go feral filling in the blanks!

It also helps to like, be chronically online/read & watch a lot of stuff so you can pretty much guess patterns in writing, tropes and their subversions--an example for this related to KPDH is how a popular headcanon that I've been seeing around revolves around how Gwi-ma might be Rumi's father, because it would be cool and also because it's a big, huge twist that would make things super interesting GIVEN how Gwi-ma operates with Jinu.

But I was instantly there like "hm, no, this doesn't quite click" because Rumi's journey is all about breaking the cycle that Gwi-ma enforces, as we see through his treatment of Jinu. People don't change, demons don't feel, Hunters must hide their flaws, etc--all of these cycles that are perpetuated in-universe. Making Rumi into Gwi-ma's daughter is fun, but ultimately breaks the entire point of Rumi's character because Gwi-ma, a representation of stagnation and self-flagellation, would've broken the cycle by HAVING a human daughter like HER, one who represents the secret option of "and what if we could heal from this and grow?" in the movie.

Rumi's existence as a half-demon is important because it represents that broken cycle through her parents, a hunter and a demon who were meant to kill each other but fell in love instead--it's a classic star crossed lovers situation, a classic story rooted in love and the good it can do, classic asian families and their generational trauma involving the repression of feelings. This is why Rumi's biggest moment with Celine lies in the question of "why couldn't you love ALL of me"--AND THEN BOOM WE GOT THE REVEAL FROM SOME STORYBOARDS THAT HER DAD WAS MEANT TO BE A GRIM REAPER DEMON JUST LIKE JINU, WHICH IS A FUN PARALLEL BECAUSE RUMI IS A HUNTER AND THE FIRST HUNTERS SAVED JINU'S FAMILY 400 YEARS AGO AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE AND--

See this is the constant connections my brain makes all at once whenever I think about something, it just goes on and on like that lmfao

I also gotta say that a lot of my analysis and headcanons are not written as like, gospel "100% this is what happened and any other interpretations are wrong"--I do put a lot of thought into them but I'm also very self indulgent, I analyze blorbo and then fill in the blanks with things that I like and that feel like it could make sense to them / find ways to justify why I write them This Way That Appeals To Me.

For example, I don't like the portrayal of Abby as an exclusively super top demon dom sex god, like I get WHY he's perceived like that. It makes sense given fandom history and how he's designed, but it's not my thing, so I just don't do that! If you don't like a specific mental connection that makes sense for blorbo, you can just say fuck it! Unless the official team comes out and says This Connection In Particular Is Canon, it's free real estate!

When it comes to dialogue, I just read their lines over and over and find out what sticks out in their speech pattern, the little tells that help you differentiate This Character from others. It helps a lot of they actually have spoken dialogue because then you can hear the inflection of their voice and study the flow of their speech pattern. Or if you can see their expressions while they talk.

You can try saying the lines outloud to yourself to see how they flow, what's the most natural way of saying them--both canon dialogue OR your own written dialogue, this was a very good piece of advice I saw around tumblr years ago! Pretend you're blorbo and see if it sounds natural when you say it or read the line in your head!

If there's not That Much Content to study, like Baby Saja for example, then I let my previous observations carry me thru! Baby Saja is clearly meant to fill a specific cute maknae role in the band, but there's the irl context of maknaes having deep voices and being wildcards--this matches how he acts cute, but then has the balls to act so swagful JUST to say "goo goo gaga" while being the only one able to stand insane amounts of hot sauce. So this and his rapping having this bragging, condescending and "better than you" vibe makes me think the guy would speak Like This or Like That.

ANOTHER thing I DO WANNA SAY (sorry for the rambling but I love talking about writing)

people often struggle to like, match "canon" voices or portrayals because going OOC is Apparently Going To Get Them Killed, but they forget that context is everything--if you want blorbo to cry their eyes out even if they would never do that, figure out WHAT situation would have them ACTUALLY crying their eyes out. If you want blorbo to say this or that, figure out how to lead the dialogue and situation into a moment where it's perfect for them to say, even if OOC!

#not a prompt #this is a long post that is very messy so i hope you can gleam something useful out of it anon!#i wish i could give you a more streamlined organized process of how i do things #but i really just get hit by the visions all at once and go feral researching for hours and then TRY to pretend to be normal on a post

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khruschevshoe · 2 years ago

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OFMD (fic) analysis: The Power of Names, Agency, and Creating Yourself

So, this is going to be Part 1 out of who knows how many analyzing different aspects of @aletterinthenameofsanity 's magnum opus OFMD fic series "made a promise when I left for the coast (made a life out of chasing a ghost)." Now, the series is divided into three sections, "Season 2," "Season 3," and "Extras" (which includes missing scenes, AUs, and post-canon "special episodes"). This first essay will be addressing the symbolic/thematic meaning of characters choosing their own names in this series throughout all parts (some of these metas will only tackle one section/season/ or even fic).

It is clear in this series that names take on a particular meaning, due to the multiple times it is emphasized, such as in part 15 of the series (the "pilot" of "Season 3"), when Captain Olu says, "Everyone's entitled to choose their own name on my ship." Names, when taken on a ship, allow someone to both shed their precious life and claim one for their own. I'm going to go through the various ways this is presented in series and how letting characters choose their names on the Revenge allows them to gain agency within their lives and world.

1): Name as Gender: Jim and Pete

Early on in the series, Jim and Pete's friendship is established from Jim's POV, where we discover that before the Blackbeard-Kraken-era, Jim and Pete bonded when Pete revealed that Pete is also trans, which in the series is often referred to as "the power of creation" (there's an essay analyzing the religious implications in the works, I swear). This is a point of connection and pride between them, and is the foundation to a great and enduring friendship and place of trust that often gets both of them through low points.

This friendship is further emphasized in part 13, Pete's internal monologue echoes previous assertions by Jim's internal monologue that "they have things in common that go beneath everything, a connection that threads itself across the sea, through razors and potential top scars and names left buried on land."

2) Name as Family: The Jimenezes and the Spriggs

A) The Jimenez Matelots

During their wedding reception in part 9 of the series, Olu and Archie both make it clear that they are going to take Jim's last name due to the importance of becoming Jim's family. Olu will trade in his last name, and Archie will take on a last name for the first time, as a sign of loyalty, loved, and comfort, because for Olu and Archie, "What price is a last name when it comes to making Jim feel comfortable and loved?"

B) The Spriggs Siblings

The choice of the last name "Spriggs" by Mel and Lucius has almost the opposite backstory of the Jimenez matelots- rather than keeping a last name to honor a family, the Spriggs siblings keep their last name to spite their abusive father. When Mel is asked by Roach in part 18 of the series as to why she keeps her last name when, as a pirate, she could have easily dropped it entirely when starting a new life, she tells him that she kept it because it connected it to her brother. Her internal monologue explains that "She stayed Mel Spriggs, damn the consequences, not because the last name gave her protection, but because it connected her to the one person who, at any point in her life, had protected her." It has nothing to do with "the lily-livered douche" that was her father; it as to do with her connection to Lucius. And as the series progresses, even after Lucius gets married to Izzy and Pete, we see that he keeps his last name while Pete picks up the last name "Hands-Spriggs." As much as his matelots mean to him, shown by the rings they share (objects as symbolism will be another analysis), his relationship with his sister is just as important to him.

3) Name as Intimacy: Frenchie and Zheng Yi Sao | Ching Shih

So, this one is not as startling or connected to character agency as the others, but I really like what this relationship does with language. Zheng Yi Sao literally translates as "wife of Zheng Yi" and is used almost as both name and title, the name of the Pirate Queen and Emperor of China, while Ching Shih is her Cantonese name, within the language she grew up speaking. Historically, Zheng Yi Sao had to learn Mandarin to fit in with upper crust society, and it makes sense that the name she rules the seas with (even in OFMD) is within that more "elevated" language.

But here's the kicker: Frenchie doesn't call her Zheng. He calls her Ching Shih, honoring where she came from, acknowledging that he gets a far more intimate side of her than the rest of the world do. In part 40, in the moment of their engagement (which comes after years of a really fun half friends-with-benefits, half-long-distance-relationship that they have going on), Frenchie accepts Zheng's proposal with the line "I’d love to be yours, Ching Shih, as long as you- not your title, or your power, or whatever, just you��- would be mine.”

4) Name as Agency: Mel and Roach

When Mel first joins the crew of the Revenge, Olu calls her "Miss Spriggs" and she asks to be called Mel instead. It is made clear that to her, her first name is a gesture of identity and agency as she begins a new life, a fact that is emphasized in part 39, which covers Mel's life leading up to the moment she murders her parents and leaves home. This part refers to Mel exclusively by the name "Melanie" until the moment she leaves Anguilla and takes her agency back into her own hands, paralleling the death of "Blackbeard" and the freedom of the crew with the line "Melanie Spriggs dies along with her parents; Blackbeard dies along with Izzy’s love for Edward Teach."

In part 18 of the series, we see Roach explain that his choice of name was a similar act of agency, a moment when he chose the name thar embodied his own survival instinct with the lines ""Being a pirate is about creating a life for yourself. A name, a family, a home. I picked Roach because I refuse to let anyone kill me.” He gives her a toothy grin that she can’t help but return. “I’m an invincible little fucker.”"

5) Name as Family (Part 2): Femi Boodhari and the Jimenez Matelots

Finally, we return to the theme of names being used for chosen family. When the Jimenez matelots visit Femi, Olu’s mother, in part 41 of the series, at first Jim is worried that Femi will be disappointed that her son traded away his name for theirs, Femi gives Jim and Archie a way to honor and carry both the Jimenez and Boodhari names and legacies: as a blacksmith, she makes Jim a knife and Archie a new axehead with the Boodhari name in the side so that way the family, their culture, and her own legacy of escaping slavery and starting her own business and family can be honored. Though it's not as straightforward an example of "choosing a name" as the others, I think it is a nice endcap in this series for the theme.

(Also, as a note: these metas/analysises take a lot longer to write than it took me to make moodboards. So they'll probably come out a little less frequently, even if they are just as much fun to do!)

@blue-b-bro @possumsmushroom @yuenity @bricksbloggyplace @cosmicquill @a-pessimistic-swiftie @polikate

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beannary · 1 year ago

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You should totally give us some more Trollhunters thoughts cause that would be so insanely cool and sexy of you please please please please ple-

so this little drabble i wrote when I was taking an anthropology course called ritual and religious actions and we were learning a lot about you know rituals and religious actions and it got me thinking about how douxie experienced cultural change over the centuries

Now as much as Hisirdoux loves humanity’s propensity for change, it can also be quite frustrating at times. The world that Hisirdoux grew up with existed so far in the past that even the most devoted of historians only have the vaguest impressions of the life he once knew. It’s an incredibly lonely and isolating experience, one he would never wish upon another human being. It’s even more frustrating considering he never even realizes changes are happening until he’s standing in a world that’s completely foreign to him.

Take weddings for example. What seems like just a few years ago to him, weddings were modest affairs only taking a week or so to arrange and only involving the closest of friends and family. He’s not sure when that changed exactly but oh boy did it change. Hisirdoux was invited to a wedding not too long ago, by a coworker no less, which already threw him for a loop. But the ostentatious white dress, luxurious cake, multiple course meals, the fanciful decorations, followed by hours upon hours of dancing and partying long into the night truly made him feel like an outsider.

Now he can see the connecting threads between how cultural traditions change. At the end of the day whether a wedding is planned in a week or months and years in advance they serve the same purpose in the end. To transition between the life stages of being single to being married, while also serving as a completion of the engagement period. Basically he understands that what he was invited to is a wedding, and he understands how it is a wedding, but he has no idea why it has changed so drastically.

It’s frustrating to say the least, but there’s not much he can truly do about it. He doesn’t have the patience to academically analyze history in order to understand why humanity is the way it is. Besides, he’d much rather focus on the future rather than risking getting stuck in the past.

Hisirdoux does try to keep up with cultural trends, he really does. But sometimes you use up too much magic trying to vanquish a basilisk, end up sleeping off the magical exhaustion for 30 years and miss Columbus ‘discovering’ America. So yeah, sometimes he misses things.

It hasn’t been a problem until recently, when he started interacting with non-wizards or witches on a more regular basis. Before he was forcibly adopted by a group of traumatized teens, Hisirdoux’s only real friends were Archie and Zoe. And even then Archie isn’t even human so it’s not like he even gets anything about human cultural traditions, and Zoe is in the exact same situation that he is in. If one of them accidentally uses outdated slang or whatever, chances are that neither of them will notice.

That is distinctly not the case whenever he is interacting with team Trollhunters, or even their parents. It makes him feel like an old man, which he is not, thank you very much. He will forever be 19 years old, give or take a few centuries, and no amount of outdated references will change that.

#bean babbles #answered asks #anonymous asks #my writing #i do like this one #mostly because i got to be a nerd about anthropology in it #i do want to write more fanfiction #maybe ill revisit some of these cultural based ones now that i have a few more years of anthro under my belt

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royalblogarts · 8 months ago

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KIMI NO NAWA

Guessed who JUST watched "Kimi no Nawa"..... Yeah, that's right, "JUST". I honestly can't believe that I haven't heard from this AMAZING movie, any sooner. Like..... how did this masterpiece hide from me for so long!!? This movie stirred up so many emotions inside me. Aside from the stunning animation, the plot was pure PERFECTION. Ok so instead of me using vague words to describe this movie, let us actually analyze what makes this movie a MASTERPIECE!!

Written and directed by the genius Makoto Shinkai, Kimi no Nawa or "Your Name" is a Japanese animated romance film. If by some ASTRONOMICALLY slim chance you haven't watched this film yet, what are you waiting for? WATCH THE MASTERPIECE!

Your Name is THE movie to watch if you wanna feel ALL the feels. Picture this: two teens, Taki and Mitsuha, living totally separate lives—Taki’s in the hustle of Tokyo, and Mitsuha’s out in this super chill, sleepy town. They don’t know each other at all. But then one day, BAM! They start randomly SWAPPING BODIES. Like, one minute Taki’s himself, and the next, he’s suddenly a high school girl living in a tiny village. And Mitsuha’s now a guy in Tokyo! TOTAL CHAOS, right?

At first, it’s a TOTAL mess. They’re messing up each other’s lives left and right, leaving HILARIOUS notes to fix everything when they swap back. But somewhere along the way, they start really caring about each other. They’re basically falling in love without EVER meeting face-to-face! But then… PLOT TWIST ALERT! Taki figures out that Mitsuha’s actually living THREE YEARS IN THE PAST, and her whole town is about to get hit by a comet. It’s an END-OF-THE-WORLD-level disaster! He goes ALL OUT to find her, risking EVERYTHING to save her and warn the town. It’s INTENSE, y’all.

And it works! Mitsuha and her town are saved, but—this is where it gets HEARTBREAKING—they lose ALL memory of each other. POOF! It’s like the universe is saying, “Sorry, but you two CAN’T remember each other.” But they’re both left with this empty feeling, like they know they’ve lost something important. YEARS go by, and they keep crossing paths, feeling like SOMETHING is there but not knowing what. And then, FINALLY, on a staircase in Tokyo, they lock eyes and ask, “Have we met before?” CUE ALL THE TEARS!

This movie goes BEYOND just romance. It’s all about FATE, CONNECTION, and how we’re weirdly tied to people we don’t even know yet. There’s this GORGEOUS concept called Musubi—think of it like MAGICAL THREADS connecting people across time and space. And the music by RADWIMPS? It’s like the CHERRY ON TOP that makes you feel EVERYTHING SO much more.

Your Name is all about finding those DEEP connections and being your TRUE self��even when fate and distance seem totally impossible to beat! It’s this wild story of two lives that seem totally unrelated but end up CRAZY intertwined.

The storytelling? It’s NON-LINEAR, so we’re flipping between Mitsuha’s past and Taki’s present, which keeps things SUPER MYSTERIOUS and suspenseful. And then there’s the COMET—it’s the big cosmic force shaping both timelines, showing us just how powerful FATE can be.

The body-swapping isn’t just for laughs; it’s what drives the WHOLE story and lets them grow in ways they never could have alone. This movie just screams, “Some connections are MEANT to be!”

So if you’re looking for a movie that’s FUNNY, SWEET, totally EMOTIONAL, and a little MIND-BENDING, Your Name is IT. It’s the kind of film that’ll leave you staring at the screen, hugging a pillow, and just saying, “WOW.”

SO.....? Stop whatever it is you're doing, wether you are taking a dump, eating breakfast, or even if you are driving your children to school, STOP IT. Grab your self some popcorn cuz you are in for one CRAZY AMAZING RIDE.

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nezz-cringe-crib · 1 year ago

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OKAYOKAY THE ORIGINAL PLAN WAS I WAS GONNA DO EACH OF THE CHARACTERS I COULD APPLY IT TO, BUT THEN I CHANGED THAT TO THE MAIN CHARACTERS I COULD APPLY IT TOO, BUT NOW IT'S JUST L AND LIGHT FOR NOW BECAUSE I ENDED UP SPENDING AN HOUR WRITING JUST L'S AND THERE IS NO WAY I CAN DO THAT FOR FIVE CHARACTERS.

I'LL PROBABLY ADD ONTO THIS LATER ONE DAY BUT HERE'S MY ANALYSES FOR LIGHT AND L HFKFJF:

L is the biggest one on this list. that man is nowhere near normal. he's a reclusive genius billionaire who eats nothing but sweets and looks like a rat crawled out a sewer. it's impressive that he even manages to qualify as a man or really a human at all with how absolutely absurd his mere existence is. but ironically, all of those traits are what make him so much more human.

he's been exploited and molded into becoming a machine since the very start of his life. he has people that have their lives dedicated to replacing him when he's gone. his name isn't even a name anymore, it's a title. it's surprising that he's just-- okay with it.. or at least he thinks he is.

see now it's time for me to essentially describe how completely autistic L is.

firstly, his observational skills. he is insanely skilled at simply observing people, finding patterns in them, and getting into their head simply by watching their actions. but that's only because he's never been able to create those kind of genuine interactions with others himself. everything that makes him appear godly is what hinders him from ever touching humanity. observing the people around him is essentially the closest he will ever get to being human. i wouldn't say he exactly yearns to be human, but he's definitely not happy with being perceived as this higher power. and i feel like the want to be perceived as real and human is inherently a human thing. the desire to have real connection and to be treated like a person is human nature. even a man who's been groomed into destroying his humanity for the sake of excellence still inevitably retains those human desires, even if he doesn't realize it. and something about that feels weirdly beautiful. because no matter how completely disconnected you become from the world, that disconnection is exactly what keeps a small part of you still worldly.

and adding onto that, i feel like his disconnect is what makes him learn to care for people? because he essentially spends his entire life analyzing people and putting himself into their shoes. he solves crime not through picking out insane clues and threads like sherlock holmes, but by connecting and relating to them personally. that's how he figures out how to pull kira out from hiding in the first place. he recognizes that like him, kira is childish and has a lust for winning. he uses his ability to relate to kira as an advantage over him. he knows and calls out light for never telling the truth because he recognizes and understands his secrecy. and not only do his detective skills show how he relates and cares about people, but he legitimately just outright shows his appreciation sometimes???? especially in scenes with aizawa. aizawa's very strong-headed and calls L out on a lot of things, but each time he lashes out at the guy, L always convinces aizawa to take a step back and think about what he's doing. he doesn't have to do this, but he does, because he values aizawa as a person and genuinely cares for him. even though they're not close and even though aizawa tells L multiple times that he sincerely hates his methods and personality, L continues to care anyways. he's genuinely a sweet person despite not even being raised as one and damnit he deserved better.

Light:

i love analyzing light's humanity because i feel like it's the exact opposite of L. unlike L, light was raised to be the perfect human. he was raised to be academic, athletic, sociable, likable, handsome, literally the perfect boy. his whole life he has been pushed into being as perfectly normal as possible, which is a stark contrast to L's life. however, the part where they connect is in their desire to leave these confines. as L is grasping to retain his humanity, light is doing everything he can to leave humanity behind and become a god. he is human for all the reasons L is not.

i like to compare light to odysseus in my mind (note that i only read the odyssey for my 9th grade english class so i could be very off about that but i'm hoping i can use it as an analogy anyways). he's viewed as a hero by everyone around him but that dude can be a huge dick let's be fuckin fr here man. he's grown sick and bored of the following the same repeating motions of life over and over again. he has a lust to do more-- to make something out of his life but to make something that he wants-- to be seen and to be seen on his own terms.

now it's time to talk about light's evil autism oh nauuurrrrrr.

light has been masking for like. his whole life. he has insane observational skills not because he's disconnected from humanity, but because he's been forced into it. it's why he's so cynical about the world. he sees the worst in people and is forced to just take it as a part of life. it makes sense that'd he go insane over the death note, because to him, this is him finally getting the chance to not only cleanse the world and become a god, but also his way of getting back at the world. i honestly can't blame him for that. if for your whole life you were forced to care about and be perfect for people that you could only see the worst in, it makes sense that his hatred would fester into something like this. and hatred is one of the most human traits out there. it's just another form of passion. it's light's passion that drives him to despise humanity, but ironically is also what keeps him from becoming the god he desperately wants to be.

other than that i don't really have much else to say for light. i feel like that kinda encompasses everything i think about him in regards to humanity.

so anyways.

tldr; light and L are the yin and yang of humanity. humanity views light as this glorified perfect boy, when he actually represents the trenches inside of people. meanwhile L is the complete opposite. he was groomed to be a machine and humanity views him as a weapon, yet he holds the softest parts of humanity inside himself

thank you for coming to my ted talk i hope it satisfies you. thank u for yelling at me yippeepeieeeee. :3

i love how absurd death note is because i feel like its absurdity emphasizes the humanity behind each character.

i have no idea how to explain it, it just makes sense to me.

maybe i'll make an analysis of how it applies to each character if someone yells at me enough but for now you just gotta feel the vibe. please tell me you feel the vibe.

#death note #dn #character analysis #death note analysis #analysis #l lawliet #light yagami #lawlight #nezz brainz

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fallinforerling · 2 years ago

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LOVE ISN’T ETERNAL. chapter 4 - jb

ೃ⁀➷ jude’s masterlist

ೃ⁀➷ jude’s taglist

ೃ⁀➷ masterlist

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

The weekend arrived without any nasty surprises, which was very much appreciated. Jobe was still a bit bitter towards Jude for all the lies he told the family, but you convinced him to not pick any fights with his brother. Jude didn't deserve it, but you still cared about his family dynamic staying the same regardless of how he managed the breakup and everything that came after it.

Now you were laying in bed, not having the energy to do much. It's not like you were allowing yourself to be consumed by the grief or sadness (which you still felt), but you were a bit apathetic. Luckily, Nikki and Mia were coming over to help you with that.

“I want this to end.” You whispered after a while, wanting to say something to fill up the silence in your apartment.

Because you truly wanted to get over him. Why bother grieving him? He has been partying and probably sleeping with girls every night since his arrival to London. And what were you doing? Missing him? Wishing he’d call? Having insomnia?

“Fucking prick.” At least insulting him was good therapy.

Before you could enter the space of mind where all you did was hate him and his existence, your phone started to ring. The only connection to the outside world this past week and a half was that little device.

Nikki was calling.

“Yeah?”

“Check my chat, girl. This is fucking insane. Go! We're almost there!” And then she hung up.

“What's up with Nikk and hanging up after saying things like that?” You laughed, expecting something funny or a photo of them. But no, it was a Twitter thread. When you clicked it, you almost had a heart attack.

“The fuck is this?!” You screamed.

The author of the thread simply wrote: “Jobe's new girlfriend???? I'm so jealous, who is sheeee???” followed with four photos per tweet. They were from the park meeting just a few days ago. There were photos of you hugging, when you were sitting together and when you started to leave the park.

At least it wasn't going viral, but there still were lots of people interacting with it. They were trying to guess who you were and for how long you two have been “dating”. A nightmare.

This had never happened in the ten months you dated Jude, mostly because privacy was important to him... And now you were mistaken for his little brother’s girlfriend? You felt like having a panic attack, but your front door opened and closed loudly, interrupting your thoughts.

“Did you see it?” Mia said, entering your bedroom after a few seconds.

“How did you find it?”

“Oh, you know I love gossip. I was digging for some information and I came across it. Did you see the date? Someone posted it three days ago.” Nikki sat next to you, biting her lip.

“Yeah…” Your brain started to analyze how it happened… Who took the photos without you noticing? The park was almost empty the whole time. Unless… “Fuck… I know who took those photos.”

“Who?” Mia asked with apprehension. “Someone we know?”

“No, far from it” With a sigh, you sat. “We met at a park near here. I've always liked that place because most of the time is empty… But that day I spotted a group of girls near us; I didn’t even payed them attention, they were far enough to not eavesdrop.” You covered your eyes, feeling frustrated. “They were teenagers, so of course they took the opportunity when they recognized him.”

“Yikes, girl… Someone’s going to cancel you for dating a minor.” Nikki joked, winning a very small smile from Mia and you.

“That’s not funny, my god.They probably will if they ever find who I am and my age.” You sighed, absolutely sick with the path your life was taking. “Why can’t I have one day of peace, huh? Life sucks.”

“Of course it sucks, that’s the main thing about living,” Mia said, sitting in your bed. “Well, let’s pray for that threat to die soon enough. You know how people are, they’re probably hunting for the next big gossip of the week.”

“Yeah…” You grabbed your phone again, thinking about your next move. “I probably should send this to Jobe as well, I don’t want him to be taken by surprise if people begin asking about this.” A tiny smile peaked between your lips. “And let’s hope the girl he likes doesn’t find it either.”

“Do you know what else you need to start doing?” Nikki said while you send the link to Jobe, who started to laugh about the ridiculous assumption those girls made about you.

“What?” You asked without paying much attention, smiling a bit when Jobe started to call himself Mr. Steal Your Girl.

“Being a soulless, heartless, and cold girl for once. What about some clubbing, some fun… Some boys?”

“You’re like the devil on her shoulder, Nikk,” Mia said, nudging Nikki’s arm. “But I agree, you need some fun. We forbid you from staying at home, drowning in your sadness. That boy doesn’t deserve it.”

“Not one bit,” Nikki replied, hugging you. “I promise it will be super fun, just go out with us tonight.”

Instead of responding, you took a look at the ground. There it is. You knew them too well, there was no way for them to “casually” suggest a night out; they had a plan. Their bags were on the floor, but you noticed a small bag that Nikki only took out of her house if she was planning to party: her makeup bag, which was essential if she was going out clubbing.

“Are you trying to persuade me into partying tonight?” You smiled, not even mad at the idea.

“Maybe?” Both of them said, trying to look as innocent as possible.

The three of you looked at each other with big smiles before laughing.

“We’re going out tonight!” Mia screamed, gaining more laughs from Nikki and you.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

The fun part about going out with Mia and Nikki was the part previous to the actual clubbing. There just was something magical about getting ready with them: the makeup with the collaboration of everybody, constantly changing outfits, Nikki persuading both of you to drink a little bit for good luck and Mia insisting that all of you needed smoky eyes, so guys felt intimidated. Most of it was nonsense, but they were your best friends in the whole world and you always felt extremely thankful for their support.

“Promise me you’re going to at least try dancing with the hottest guy that approaches you tonight.” Mia said while doing your smoky eyes (yeah, you gave in).

“I’ll try.” And you will because it wasn’t fair for you to stay in your comfort zone. If this whole thing didn’t cheer you up or make you feel better, then you could always find other ways to keep your mind occupied.

“That’s more than enough for me. Try to have fun, this is a girl’s night.”

“And talking about girls. Put this dress on, the girls look stunning in it.” Nikki dropped a black dress on your lap.

“No way!” You lifted it with a smile. “I completely forgot about this dress. I haven’t worn it since…” You paused, feeling uncomfortable. “Uh, Jude’s birthday.”

“Well, who cares about that? You still look amazing.” Nikki smiled, obviously not about to let you think much about Jude.

“Done!” Mia said after a few seconds, biting her lip. “This is my best work so far.” Her eyes were sparkling, so you believed her.

Facing yourself in the mirror, you almost didn’t recognize the face that was looking back at you. You looked amazing; the color of your eyes popped, the glitter was doing the right job of not making it look too dark and the red lipstick was the final touch. You loved it.

“That’s the face of a heartbreaker, girl.” Nikki admired your face for an instant before smiling. “Ah, I can’t wait for the boys to fight over you.”

“Very funny, Nikk.”

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

The club Nikki choose was wild, especially since a manager was waiting for you at the door, guiding you to the balcony section of the club- which was the freaking VIP one.

“Nikk?” You half-screamed through the music, dying to know how she managed to pull this off. Mia seemed as confused as you were. “Anything you want to tell us?”

“About what?” She kept walking with the biggest of smiles.

“Uh… Us getting into the VIP section wiht no even five minutes of being here?”

“Oh, that?” Her smile grew bigger, if that was physically possible. “I know someone.”

Clearly, that was all the information you were getting. Mia gave you a look and the both of you silently decided that it was better if you didn’t dig into it.

“Tonight it’s about having fun, girls. My treat, don’t worry.” Nikki said once you were at the table, which already had a champagne bottle resting comfortably on an ice bucket. Three champagne glasses were next to it, patiently waiting for you.

“Oh, so this is luxury, luxury.” Mia whispered, laughing a bit.

“The fun it’s all that matters, trust me, Mia.” A waiter appeared out of nowhere, silently grabbing the bottle before smiling at all of you.

“Welcome, ladies. May I open it now?” You nodded, and with one quick movement of his wrist, he had the job done. Impressive. “Hope you have a good night. Don’t forget you can always call a waiter with the button that’s underneath the table.” And then he was gone.

“You were right, Mia. This is luxury luxury.” You accepted the glass Nikki offered you, excited for the night ahead.

“Let’s enjoy it without actually wondering how much all this is, babe.” Was all she said before chugging her glass in one sitting. “I’m ready, give me another one.”

“That’s what I’m talking about!" Nikki cheered, happy to see Mia engaged with tonight’s mission.

“Come on, you need to chug that thing too, there’s more in here.” Nikki told you, already serving Mia’s second glass.

“Fuck it.” You said before doing as Nikki said, chugging your champagne as carefully as possible so you didn’t choke. “If I end up vomiting all over the floor at the end of the night, I want you to know, I’m blaming you.”

“That’s fine to me!” And then Nikki chugged her glass as well.

Yeah, this night was going to be hella interesting.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Needless to say that within two hours of clubbing you were pretty drunk. Not to the point of falling when trying to walk because the world was spinning or to the verge of unconsciousness, but a good point between being able to not care if something ridiculous escaped your mouth and dancing with strangers without giving it a second thought.

Nikki had found some friends along the night, and now three more people, which were the nicest ever, were sitting at your table, chatting and laughing along. You enjoyed the their company, but felt the need to give yourself space to drink a very much needed glass of water in peace.

So there you were, leaning against one of the multiple spaces in the balcony where little chairs were dispersed. It felt almost peaceful if you ignored the music blasting through the speakers or the many waiters going around the place, dealing with drunks and orders.

“No way! Is that you?” A voice startled you, taking your mind away from the blankness it was immersed in. “I knew I wasn’t mistaking that face!”

You turned, slightly pissed at the person that was basically yelling at you, until you realized it was Gio. Gio Reyna himself.

“Gio?!” You didn’t know why, but the excitement made you scream. Maybe it was because you were drunk, but seeing Gio was one of the highlights of the night. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I’m taking the few days off I have.” He hugged you tightly once you stood up, almost swiping you from the floor. “You look amazing! What are you doing here?”

“Thanks! I’m with my friends, they’re right there!” You pointed to the table, where all kept chatting without noticing your encounter. “It’s a girl’s night!”

“That’s cool! I thought you were with Jude, since he’s at London and all that.”

Your smile never wandered from your face, not caring about Jude’s name being dropped from Gio’s lips. You shook your head, letting him know you weren’t with him today. Or ever, for that matter.

“Nope, just my girls and I.” He kept looking at you like he was in front of a new person, not Jude’s “girlfriend”. You didn’t know if you liked it or felt bad about it. He was one of Jude’s good friends after all. “What about taking a picture? It’s been so long since we saw each other.”

“Sure! Are you okay if I post it to IG?”

Oh?

“Of course, go for it.”

Then the two of you moved to a more illuminated area, he took his phone and you knew this was one of a kind type of opportunity. Time to be the pettiest bitch I know. Taking advantage of him getting closer to you for the sake of the photo, you passed one arm over his shoulders, and after a couple of pics, you decided to give him a tiny peck on the cheek.

“Let's see.” He said shyly. Aw.

A few of them were blurry, but most were decent and the peck one was fabulous, not only for the sake of your intentions, but also because of how good the two of you looked. Your makeup was still intact, and with the lighting, it shined in a very pretty way. Gio had a light blush due to the alcohol, his smile being evident, giving his already handsome face something else.

“That one?” You said, picking the one you liked the most.

“Yeah! We look amazing.” He started to set it but paused before publishing it. “Do you mind if I tag you?”

Bingo.

“Go ahead, I have no problem.” And that was it.

You said your goodbyes, and while returning to the table, you felt some type of triumph. Did this make you a bad person?

“Where were you? We thought you got lost or something.” Mia said when you finally arrived, sitting beside Nikki.

“So… I did a thing…”

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swordpen · 2 years ago

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On Criston/Alicent and Queerness

I think the biggest surprise of House of the Dragon for me wasn’t the gore or the truly batshit political decisions some of the characters make—it was how much I connected to Criston and Alicent’s relationship as a queer person.*

(*Standard disclaimer that my personal experience isn’t universal, queer people aren’t a monolith, I’m just analyzing this relationship within a context.)

Of course, when you think about queerness and HOTD, I’m sure Criston/Alicent is the last thing on your mind. In fact, in the parts of the fandom that interpret Alicent as queer/a lesbian, Criston/Alicent is basically the embodiment of compulsory heterosexuality. It’s two people violently clinging to the roles assigned to them: as knight and queen, man and woman, heterosexual and chaste. Criston especially is toxic masculinity walking around in armor, an incel who puts Alicent on a damaging pedestal and becomes bitter and violent when Rhaenyra refuses him.

I think this reading is pretty valid (although that last part is vastly oversimplified, and—well, we don’t have time for that). It’s probably what the show wants us to take away. But metaphorically, I saw a lot of my own struggles with queerness reflected in Alicent and Criston.

For all the power they wield relative to the smallfolk, Alicent and Criston both lack the privilege afforded to Rhaenyra: Alicent as a woman, and Criston as a lowborn knight sworn into the royal family’s service. Unlike Rhaenyra, when things get tough, they cannot leave—they must hide their feelings and continue to work within society. When Rhaenyra has sex with Criston, she holds a damning secret over his head, and while Viserys might forgive her, outing Criston will get him killed or worse. Alicent saves him, and he becomes the person she puts the most trust in, a second parent figure to her children. But if they do have romantic feelings for each other, they must keep that effectively closeted, while Rhaenyra and Laenor fairly openly pursue anyone they want. There’s also the whole underlying thread of religious guilt and repression, which is of course not limited to queerness at all, but is a dimension of Alicent and Criston’s relationship that hits home all the same--as does the ambiguity around Criston's celibacy and desire for sex, with the narrative making it clear that their bond is meaningful without it.

In all fairness, courtly love as a trope has always felt especially queer to me, even for how blatantly unhealthy it is: unfailing devotion that can never really become a relationship, deep feelings cloaked in several plausible deniability layers of “duty” and “honor.” And as someone incredibly careful and anxious, I really can’t imagine being as brazen as Rhaenyra. (I also have a bad habit of getting attached to characters other people don’t like as much.) It’s probably no wonder I connected to Criston and Alicent in a different way than Alicent and Rhaenyra.

Both relationships are tragedies: Rhaenyra and Alicent are two girls whose love for each other is twisted by the patriarchy, yes, but also the wildly different positions they hold within the power structure. As much as they love each other, their conflicting philosophies and experiences have made it almost impossible for them to truly understand each other.

Criston and Alicent also hold wildly different positions in the power structure, but their philosophies and experiences align far more. They do understand each other, the roles they have to play, the powerlessness they have to combat. They’re good at it. Their tragedy is that it still will not be enough.

#criston cole #alicent hightower #alicole #house of the dragon #hotd meta #tldr criston/alicent's relationship reads as a marginalized and non-normative relationship #where both parties have to be extremely careful and aware of the society they live in #which really connected with me as a queer person #it's really interesting how many different facets the show is playing with - undeniably alicent and rhaenyra #understand what it's like to be women in this world #but criston and alicent both understand what it's like to lack agency and privilege in a way rhaenyra doesn't yet #and since neither of them have experienced that freedom #they cannot understand why rhaenyra takes such risks with it

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violettduchess · 2 years ago

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I love all the imagery used in your writing and want to try and incorporate more into mine but it never sounds right. Maybe I'm not doing it right?

Hello anon 💜

I think people might expect the answer to this to be: "There is no right way! Do your thing!" Which is true.....to an extent.

Imagery is a tool and it can be a very effective one but there are, lets call them, guidelines that should be considered.

-Even a descriptive text needs to have a red thread, a line of thought, that can be followed. What can happen if a writer isn't careful is they wander into the metaphorical woods, trying to make sure they describe everything.... and get lost. And you as a reader can't follow what they are actually trying to say. These kinds of fics can be really frustrating as a reader because you WANT to know what the author is saying, but it's just too nettlesome.

-A little description can go a long way. Not every single sentence has to have a simile or metaphor. It's the salt that can bring out/enhance the flavor of whatever you're cooking but too much and it's unappetizing.

-It has to make sense. If you are describing a character blushing because the person they love has smiled at them, you can't use a word that throws the mood: Your cheeks flush salmon-pink. (Sorry salmon but you are not really a soft, romantic noun) but Your cheeks flush primrose-pink. (Ahh roses are romantic, this works.) This takes a good understanding of the language, knowing the connotations certain words have.

So how do you improve? You keep writing. You keep reading. If you like someone's writing and they use imagery in a way that you enjoy, take the minute to think about why. What are they doing? Why does it work? Even a moment of analyzing helps your mind make that connection and you'll find it easier to incorporate it into your own writing!

Best of luck anon!!

#writing #fanfic #before i get another snarky anon asking me why i am trying to school someone #i am literally a teacher #i do this for a living

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virghogh · 4 years ago

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NCT Dream Birth Charts x Hexaco Results Analysis pt. 1

recently NCT Dream were on a new reality show called Mental Training Camp where they are doing a variety of activities and all of their behavior and interactions are being analyzed by professional psychologists.

ofc my virgo sun mercury ass was thrilled and I had their birth charts pulled up the whole time to cross reference.

I wanted to share some of my personal thoughts on how the 2 might connect!

part 1 // part 2 // part 3

**key: in the hexaco charts the blue represents the Dreamies, the orange is an average result of 300 college students who took the same test**

Mark - “Workaholic Leader”

✨leo sun // aries moon // cancer mercury // virgo venus // scorpio mars✨

they described him as a workaholic leader but quickly added that if he’s not now, he has potential to be in the future, although it seemed they all agreed he has workaholic spirit now

this immediately made sense to me when you look at his chart i mean he’s being driven by a fire sun and moon and a scorpio mars (used to be ruled by mars) and virgo venus both of which are signs that have strong work ethics

the reason I like that they mentioned he could grow into it is because he’s still young and I agree that his placements could become more serious about work and life as he gets older, I think his leo sun/aries moon combo gives him very youthful energy but they’re still very driven signs

mark agreed that even throughout his trainee years when he was still very young, he was always practicing and was always called a workaholic. I see this in the intense drive, work ethic and perfectionism of virgo and scorpio but shining through with the warmth of his sun and moon

lets talk about this hexaco chart, what sticks out the most is Mark’s level of conscientiousness! (its so high like what even-) Conscientious people are careful, precise, detail oriented and in general care about doing their tasks well. I think this is directly connected to his scorpio mars! I always say that no matter what is in a chart, having a scorpio in big 6 will always have a strong influence and with a virgo venus, even though venus is considered a love planet it is also our value system, how we discern what is worthy and unworthy for us, and having virgo there makes him very practical. (as I mentioned though I think all of his placements together reflect a very driven person) (I also think mark is lucky to have a fire moon because if he had a water or earth I think his obsession and perfectionism of scorpio and virgo would make him d*pressed or too hard on himself)

his virgo venus could even be why when they did the bag check they saw he’s quite “frugal” or practical and minimalist in the things he carries around. When you think about Venus, I mentioned it’s our values it’s also our aesthetics and it rules Taurus a materialistic sign, having virgo there gives me the impression of someone who is practical with their belongings, as we saw.

We’ll see later in the post that there are a few Hexaco charts that I felt were a little unexpected but Marks imo was sooo spot on with his placements. With a fire sun and moon he’s very warm and open and has firey emotions. he’s not afraid to show them or be reactive and responsive (emotionality)! I think his honesty-humility reflects this too, he’s not too overly or underly honest, he’s just straightforward what you see is what you get and he answers in such a way too. His emotionality reflects the cancer mercury, the rashness of aries moon, and sensitivity of scorpio mars.

tdlr; the human embodiment of driven, focused and hard working when it comes to his craft, but he loves to have fun in his outside life, and is practical in his inside life <3 his hexaco and birth chart align nicely

Jeno - “A scholar who gets hurt easily”

✨taurus sun // sagittarius moon // aries mercury // aries venus // taurus mars✨

so right off the bat I’m very curious where the scholar part comes in ?? They didn’t really reference it again in that way but I’m assuming they mean he’s very diplomatic? Defcon rephrased it as “you get miffed but well-mannered”

a recurring comment was that he gets annoyed easily but doesn’t show it, I thought that was really funny because I feel like it reflects his aries influence well; being a little hot-headed but he has the patience of his taurus sun and mars to filter it :’)

they talked a lot about how he gets hurt easily and mark even shared a cute lil story that practically had me on the floor because i just think it shows his taurus sooooo much I’d really love to have his house placements one day I’m really curious where his taurus is

if you didn’t see the episode basically mark said one time Jeno was passing some seniors in a building and said hi but they didn’t say hi back ): and just ignored him. Mark said Jeno was really hurt by that and went on about it for a long time saying stuff like “I’m sure they saw me” )): but he never expressed/acted on that hurt. taurus is represented by the bull so they do have a fierce side to them but imo i think taurus can be a really gentle/relaxed sign too; taurus mars is a slow to be angry slow to react placement, and one of the things taurus is well-known for is being fixed, stubborn, holding grudges which explains why that moment hurt and he held on to it. Jeno even agreed he tends to hold in a lot of his feelings and remembers little things that hurt him for a long time!

speaking of his taurus... they had a whole baseball analogy for the group saying that Jeno is a strong catcher, you can have a good pitcher but without a strong catcher the team would fall apart. They also mentioned a lot about Jeno not being in the spotlight, he doesn’t stand out, but he silently strengthens the team. And if that isn’t the most taurus description you’ve ever heard.,,,

I’ve been talking about his taurus a lot but at one point they said Jeno has a strong perfectionist side but he’s also very flexible and it’s difficult to have both. I personally see this a lot in his Sag moon (mutable) in contrast to his taurus placements (fixed). Sag moon to me always seem happy go lucky, if emotions come they go quickly too, mutable gives him that flexibility because they just like when things can change freely. It’s ruled by jupiter and I feel a common theme with sag in big 6 is it’s easy for people to be drawn to their jupiter qualities. They give the same freedom they crave, they can be very easy going and positive. Similar to mark, I also think it helps Jeno to have this moon sign over another!

as for the hexaco, I’ll be honest the level of introvertness/shyness was a little surprising from an astrology stand point. When we see Jeno in all the NCT content I feel like it’s obvious he is on the shy side but if I was looking at only his chart, I don’t think I was expect it to be to the extent of the hexaco chart! (plss i need his birth time) in the same thread, his emotionality is really low and I can’t say I’m surprised from an astrology view😅 it’s not that he’s not compassionate or anything because he does care a lot about not upsetting people, but as we saw he is not very reactive and receptive emotionally ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ his openness is low too which fits what we’ve talked about above about his lack of reaction/expression of emotions, I feel like sag moons also don’t dwell especially with no water placements.

The honesty and humility makes a lot of sense to me because i feel like taurus, aries and sag(!) are very righteous signs too! They care about integrity, they certainly might have their own idea of what is truth,.. but whatever it is, they believe in it!

last note I want to make is on the whole “jeno isn’t funny” bit since they mentioned it. He said it hurt his ego when they first started the joke but it’s been going on for so long that I think he adapted to being able to take it as just that, a joke! It’s also funny to me that it started in the first place because earth signs are often called boring (it’s okay I’m an earth sign too lol) and I also have sag influence and I know people find me quite funny but I never try to be funny and it usually comes after my earth walls are down with close friends.

tdlr; doesn’t ask or need spot light, gets annoyed easily but it doesn’t last, when something does hurt he remembers, slow or unlikely to be reactive and responsive, positive, comfort creature, loyal🥺

Chenle - “Friendly Guardian”

✨Sagittarius sun // Aquarius moon // scorpio mercury // scorpio venus // aquarius mars✨

there is something about chenle’s personality that I’ve always loved, he comes off as very warm, care-free, curious, friendly, caring. I like the personality title they gave him because I think it sums him up well. The members had all laughed when they saw it and enthusiastically agreed. I also love his hexaco chart and think it reflects him really well, with most of it being just outside of the average :’) as far as how it reflects his birth chart, let’s get into it

I do want to disclaim that Chenle was born on the sag/scorpio cusp and to be a sag he would have had to be born after 3pm (!) but I think we would all agree he’s definitely a sagittarius sun anyways

Before this show when I watch nct dream content it always fascinated me how easy going chenle was in chaotic situations, he never seems too demanding or controlling, and sometimes i wondered if he was holding back for the cameras and was actually really frustrated but based off the hexaco it seems like he is actually just that agreeable, from looking at just his chart I don’t know if I would have guessed his agreeableness was that far. I know sag suns can be very easy going and aquarius is a more chilled sign but he has 2 aquarius and 2 scorpio placements they’re both fixed signs and quite like to be in control😅 (can we get a birth time pls)

One argument could be the combination of sag sun with aquarius moon, since we have to look at all of it together. it does give me the impression of someone more easy-going possibly because there is the comfort of confidence! I feel like sag sun/aqua moon + mars would give someone a high opinion of themself (go chenle). this combination could create someone who is easy going because they don’t dwell and aren’t emotionally fueled nor do they fret over people that are. I’d say easy-going or maybe even just cool headed? He’s always laughing things off too, showing he doesn’t take himself too seriously!

Speaking of taking things seriously, I think we can see this in the conscientious part of the hexaco, it was the lowest and I think it can be explained by what I mentioned above. It’s not that he isn’t driven or doesn’t work hard, he’s a full time idol they all work hard but I think it represents that work isn’t the focus of his life but rather people, connection, community, and just being happy is?

they talked about how Chenle is the type of person that you meet and already feel like you’re friends. He could be the youngest in the room and talk down to you and you wouldn’t even think twice. This is huuuuge aquarius energy! I remember one of the first things I learned about aquarius was that they make friends everywhere. They talk to a stranger on the street for directions and next thing you know they’re “friends”

I also want to add that they mention he’s friendly but he gives off “big brother vibes” i feel like we’ve all seen that in other nct content too and would agree. This is interesting to me because sag and aquarius is not the same kind of friendliness as we see with marks leo sun aries moon. Leo and aries are “younger” signs, whereas aquas and sagittarius are towards the end of the signs, they’re considered “mature” signs which I feel contributes to chenle’s “big brother” energy. He has that aqua/sag energy where he seems really sure of himself, and wise and people look up to that.

I want to talk about his scorpio placements real quick because even though I just made a case for how open and easy-going he is, I’m still confused about how the scorpio fits into all of this. scorpio isn’t known to be one to be super open, agreeable or extroverted. I personally see his scorpio come out a lot in his realtionships. you can tell he cares deeply for his members and yes his aqua makes him get along with everyone but I feel like with the dream members we see that scorpio possessiveness and jealousy come out more. Lastly, I do want to add a little mystery to this, although his openness is high and it’s clear he is a very authentic person,,.. I definitely would not call him an open book👀

Chenle wasn’t able to be in the recording of this show unfortunately so all we got was a brief description of his hexaco chart and we won’t get any further analyses ):

although I do agree that his hexaco chart reflects how he comes off in shows, I don’t think it completely reflects his chart so I’m going to say the house placements would help create a better picture!

tdlr; fun and realtionships are a priority, he’s comfortable and confident in himself and people are drawn to that, v friendly😌but he has secrets👀

feedback, thoughts and clarifying questions are always welcome!

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ootahime · 4 years ago

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what is utahime’s role in the future? — a prediction (manga spoilers)

part 2 (unedited)

part 1 is here!

let’s continue answering the question: is utahime weak?

chapter 135

what preparations is utahime making? like i’ve mentioned before, i theorize that she needs to charge up in order to use her technique. since momo and the other kyoto students are fighting on the front line to buy time for utahime, i believe that they trust that their teacher’s ability can help turn the situation around.

what do the students think of her? do they think she’s weak?

chapter 128

mechamaru manipulates the circumstances in a way that allow him to keep the kyoto people away from danger. this has more to do with how much he cares about his classmates and his teacher rather than seeing them as incompetent sorcerers who can’t hold their own. notice how he says “EVEN utahime”.

chapter 128

kamo thinks mechamaru doesn’t have that much faith in the Kyoto students—but this isn’t true at all! he knows who the enemy is and has a grasp of how dangerous they are. he just wants to keep his friends safe. besides, kamo is a semi-grade 1 sorcerer which means he’s more than capable of defending himself against curses. but since he’s being kept safe too, it suggests that this is not a matter of keeping weak people away from fighting :)

chapter 41

this seems a bit off topic but let’s talk about the misogyny in jujutsu society. momo points out to nobara that the women from the zenin clan are expected to be perfect. the misogyny runs so deep to the point where some women aren’t allowed to even fight. you may think that this is just about the zenin clan but it’s about society as a whole. that’s why nobara responds to momo in a more personal sense. she doesn’t care about the boys versus girls issue because she embraces all aspects of herself. she loves herself when she’s strong, and she loves herself when she’s dressed up and beautiful. if it only applied to the zenin family then nobara wouldn’t have responded the way she did.

in the chapter before, nishimiya explains, “even if a girl has skills, if she’s not cute, she’s looked down upon. of course, if she’s only cute with no skill, it’s the same. women sorcerers aren’t expected to be skilled, they’re expected to be perfect.”

some of the female characters in jujutsu kaisen apply to this. for example, maki and mai. they’re looked down upon because one can’t use a cursed technique or see curses, while the other’s cursed technique is weak. in chapter 148(?) naoya says the only thing maki had going for her was her face, but it’s ruined now so she’s nothing. the zenin twins fall under the “cute but not skilled” category in jujutsu society. before we can put utahime into a category, let’s examine mei.

i promise this will all connect so please bear with me LOLLL let’s move on to mei. we find out that mei has the ability to control crows. she deems this ability as weak because it’s simple and doesn’t have much attack or defense power.

she convinces herself that a sorcerer’s worth doesn’t revolve around their CT. by following this ideal, she soon found herself at her limit because you can only hone your physical abilities to an extent. she said she was crushed because she thought that her weak CT would forever stunt her ability to grow as a sorcerer. but because of all the training she did in order to not rely on her CT, she was able to combine her physical prowess with her technique to make what’s best of her ability to control crows.

mei is an example of a perfect woman based on the standards the jujutsu world has established for women. although she has a weak technique, she makes up for it with adept use of weapons and physical prowess. she found a way to incorporate this “weak” ability to make it something strong. she’s beautiful and powerful so therefore, she was promoted to be a grade 1 sorcerer. she is what a woman is expected to be in order to be acknowledged by others.

what about utahime? why couldn’t she follow the same footsteps as mei?

i can’t answer that because we don’t really know much about utahime so far. i can only speculate why. being a grade 2 sorcerer at 20 is not bad at all. but why is she stuck as a semi-grade 1 sorcerer at 31? that surely proves she’s just weak, right?

semi-grade 1 sorcerers are sorcerers who have performed well on missions with a person accompanying them. i feel like when utahime was on a mission to exorcise a grade 1 curse on her own (the final step of the grade 1 promotion process), something happened that gave her her scar and made her unable to fulfill the mission. it’s either that or she did complete the mission but her appearance is too unsatisfactory. can you recall what nishimiya said? if you’re cute and not skilled, you’re not good enough. if you’re not cute and skilled, you’re still not good enough.

in men, scars are a symbol of honor and strength. on the other hand, scars on a woman’s face are seen as an imperfection. as a result, those who are scarred are deemed imperfect and unsuitable for marriage.

gojo hates the way things are run because the higher ups are so close-minded. they make decisions on a whim and have no compassion for sorcerers who are breaking their backs on their orders. he wants to change jujutsu society for the better by raising the next generation of sorcerers to be as strong as him. the old-fashioned and narrow-minded attitude of the higher ups leads me to believe that utahime is stuck as a semi-grade 1 sorcerer because she is viewed as imperfect. utahime’s scar is most likely the reason contributing to her being held back. who would want to promote a woman who isn’t beautiful enough to be a grade 1 sorcerer?

she obviously has a lot to offer because she’s a teacher at Kyoto. todo, a grade 1 sorcerer, has never shown any sign of disrespect towards utahime despite the fact that he surpassed her in rankings. he trusts in her and believes she has some things she can teach him.

can we additionally address the fact that gojo respects mei? he refers to her as mei-san and says that there’s no way she’d cry because she’s strong. mei has a weak technique though? 🤔🤔🤔 controlling crows?!?!?! nah im jk, mei is strong with and without her technique, of course. since gojo respects someone like mei, a person who doesn’t have an out-of-this-world technique, i believe his view of someone strong isn’t solely based on their technique. when he calls utahime weak, he may not be insulting her CT. it’s just all jokes because in chapter 65, geto and mei join in on the fun too and pick on her. mr. hot shot knows that utahime is a valuable asset to his plans so he entrusts her with the task of unearthing the traitor(s). if she was so incapable of such a thing, why did he pay mei to do the same job? 🤔

*a lot of people think mei was actually paid by gojo to promote his students but that’s incorrect. it goes against everything gojo advocates for. he wants his kids to enjoy their youth because his was taken away. being a sorcerer is not a smooth job and no matter how many years you’re in the profession, it never gets easier. he doesn’t wish for his students to be thrust in a world full of hardship and loss, which is why he was so against yuuji and yuta’s execution. he works hard to preserve the innocence of his students. he doesn’t want yuji’s heart to break, not even once. why would he pay mei to promote his students to grade 1? that would automatically strip them of their innocence and youth and push them into a world full of burden and pain.

PHEW that was long. how does this all tie back to utahime’s future role in the story?

her CT will probably come in clutch in an important battle

she might be the one to help get gojo out the box (A REACH i know)

she will help gojo with his plan to overthrow and change jujutsu society as a whole

i don’t really have to dive into the first bullet point. as for the second one, look at what i found!

in the second opening, utahime is seen searching for something in a dim forest.

*i read an analysis about opening 2 and apparently this just symbolizes her looking for the traitors. that makes sense too.

in chapter 144, this scenery pops up right before they enter master tengen’s base(?) the branches are thicker than in the opening but it gives the same vibes to me. i think utahime will be the one to break gojo out.

why utahime? well, gojo is their best shot at stabilizing whatever the fuck is going on right now. she knows it’s a crime to unseal him, but she wants her students to be safe so she’ll probably risk it. plus, gojo’s flashback starts with him breaking utahime and mei out of a building with a barrier. i think utahime breaking gojo out of the prison realm will make a perfect parallel :3

that theory is a massive ass pull I KNOW. it’s just fun to think about. it’s likely that kurusu hana will be the one helping yuuji and megumi out with that.

if utahime isn’t the one freeing gojo, she will definitely come face to face with the other traitors.

ive read numerous Reddit threads and tons of users think she’ll play a small role in the story—nothing too significant. i’m perfectly content with that as well. i never expected her to be gojo level or anything like that LMAOO. as long as we get to see her technique in action, i will be satisfied 😮‍💨

——

i feel like there may be a few things i missed but i tried to include everything i could think of. the organization of this post is quite off but im too lazy to rearrange it in a way that makes it more coherent LOL. thank you so much for reading. ill probably analyze gojo and utahime’s interactions in the manga and anime next :-)

#gojohime #gouta #gojo x utahime

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thesunshinebunny · 4 years ago

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When the world falls apart, the only thing we can hold onto is ourselves (Part II)

Series Master list

pairing: canon Eren Jaeger x reader

content: Angst, unstable relationship, breakup, smut/nswf+18, major character death, violence, blood (obviously), war (pretty obvious)

summary: War and hate. It’s what defined the world at this exact moment. You failed your comrades, and by failing them, you failed yourself. Your relationship is hanging by a thread and your enemies will not only be found on the other side of the sea, but also in the mind of the person you love the most. How will you take the reins in the face of so much destruction?

Chapter summary: Coming home is melancholy and cold, and your squadmates ask you to do what you couldn't do for a year: speak up and find out what's going on inside Eren's mind.

Words count: 5.3k

They say that when a loved one leaves this world, the days follow turns gray, colorless; How ironic to think that the day we buried Sasha was gray, there wasn’t a trace of the blue sky or some solar ray that could give us the warmth we were lacking. It was cold, a cold that got into your bones and no matter how many hugs and words of mutual support we gave each other, we couldn’t get the warmth we needed.

My soul had been fragmented the moment Sasha left this world, but seeing my friends cry at her grave and leave bouquets of flowers, it fragmented even more. I wasn’t able to meet Nicolo's eyes, my guilt prevented me. Inside, I wanted this Marleyan to yell at me, to tell me that he hated my presence, that Sasha's death had been my fault, and that I should have given my life if it meant saving her. I wanted with all my being that he would give me a reason to really feel guilty.

On the way back to the island, the others assured me that her death wasn’t my fault, that I did everything possible to keep her alive. But my ineptitude, my grief, my low self-esteem prevented me from seeing things clearly. I just needed… something to hold onto.

And I wasn't getting anything.

I felt how I was slowly sinking into the rabbit hole, without the possibility of clinging to a tree root. I was falling, falling, falling, unable to know when I would hit bottom. But that bottom came fast before I could have predicted, because minutes after Nicolo arrived, Sasha's father arrived too, bouquet of beautiful red flowers in hand.

I broke myself. The two people who longed for Sasha most in their lives were standing in front of me, mourning the loss of her young soul. The two people who would hate me the most in the world, standing over my friends's grave. I fell to my knees in front of them and in front of her grave, silently begging for forgiveness.

My tears fell incessantly on the freshly stirred earth as did my fingers, imploring this burden on my chest to dissipate, as if unconsciously I was wishing for Sasha herself to forgive me for letting her die. How could one cope with this heinous feeling? How could I go on, knowing that the world was falling around us, unable to know if the next day we were going to be alive or if Marley would initiate an attack from which we weren’t going to be able to defend ourselves?

My head was racing a thousand per second and the only thing I could let out were those sobs that had accompanied me so much on the way back, the same ones that cradled me to slept, and the tears that so much wanted to dissipate the pain in my soul.

It is said that when a person leaves this world, some people are unable to handle grief, just as they are unable to articulate a word. Apparently I was one of those people.

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Nights and days passed. Those of us who survived the attack on Marley stayed in commune trying to encourage ourselves to continue fighting. Hange had recommended us to rest, since the psychological damage could cause us several injuries in the future, and as for Eren ... we weren’t very aware of him. The last we heard from our commanders is that he was locked away from all human contact, stipulating that it would be better to keep him locked up for a while and let whatever shit that was going through his head dissipate.

But that was complete bullshit. I knew that, even locking him up, they weren't going to be able to change the thoughts that tormented Eren so much. I knew that, whatever was wandering through his mind, he wasn’t letting him alone and he would never let go. How did I know that? Because I spent a whole year trying to get him to let me enter in that shell he has been forming in recent years. I tried very hard to get him to tell me his plan before he went to Marley, but I got nothing, and I still get nothing.

My gaze was lost in the window. The nights grew colder and colder and I hugged my arms as I watched the sunset. The boys were arguing about something, something that Mikasa didn't seem to find funny at all, but my mind wasn’t connected to reality. I just stared out the window, remembering the old days when we'd sneak out to steal a piece of meat from the supply warehouse with Sasha and Connie.

I remembered the nights when the boys sneaked into the women's hut to keep each other warm in our days as recruits. I remembered how Armin let me practice my medicine methods on him when he got hurt, a practice that was lost when he inherited the power of the Colossal Titan.

I remembered how we would escape at dawn, grab a few horses and ride out to the ocean, taking nice cool baths on the warm moonlit summer nights. Now those moments only remained in that, in memories.

"(Y/N) are you listening?"

My gaze detached from the window, now it was fixed on a Connie who looked just as tired of the world as I did. This dwarf turned giant was just as devastated as I was by losing half of him, and yet he was still able to continue fighting alongside our friends.

"We think you might be the most suitable to go talk to Eren"

Armin's calm voice stripped me of any desire to go back to the old moments. I pulled myself away from the window tiredly and let my body unconsciously guide me to one of the couchs in the middle of the room, next to the blonde. Apparently while I was wandering in my thoughts, the tension in the room had reached a point where it could be cut with a simple wave of the hand.

As I sat down, I was able to take a better look at the room. From what I could analyze, the group had divided into two, those who still trusted Eren and those who did not, each with their reasons, and apparently, I was playing the role of mediator. The responsibility fell on me to move the pieces of the board: to talk to our supposed war partner and beg him to tell us about his plans and the demons in his head, or to dethrone him completely.

"What makes you think I can go talk to him?"

My words came out of my mouth colder and sharper than I would’ve liked, but it was the simple truth. If Eren was willing to push each other away to accomplish his task, what was I going to accomplish after a year without having answers to his thoughts?

"I haven't been able to speak to him openly in a year"

Armin and Mikasa gave me completely stunned looks. Not even their childhood friend had told them that his relationship was falling off a cliff.

"I didn't know, I thought you were fine"

"Well, we are not fine at all Armin"

I knew it wasn't fair for Armin to get all my frustration, he wasn't guilty at all. I looked him in the eye and I could find multiple feelings in those huge blue eyes: sadness, compassion, guilt, overwhelm. I knew he was one of the worst going through it, his childhood friend was no longer entirely reliable; he had carried out acts of sheer violence and had become the enemy he hated the most; Armin had become his worst enemy and his eyes clearly showed it.

And it was those same eyes that begged me to do something, to go and talk, to try to figure out the smallest thing we could use to get out of this mess Eren got us into. They implored me to save his soul brother from his mental prison.

I let out a long breath before getting up off the couch and heading to the door.

"I highly doubt that I will achieve anything, but I will try to talk to him"

I took one last look to the guys in front of me before leaving the room, each one wishing me luck and pleading for my well-being with their eyes, and sinking even further into the rabbit hole, or rather, going straight to ventured into the lion's den.

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The road to the dungeons was long and heavy, but not because of the number of blocks and alleys I had to take, but because of what was waiting for me at the end of the road. Upon coming into contact with the stone walls and their semi-armored doors, the blood on my body ran cold, just as it ran cold when we buried Sasha.

The air below the ground was cold, the smell of mold and dirt entered my nostrils, preventing me from taking a couple of steps without feeling like vomiting. The place really needed a better cleaning, otherwise it would be the epicenter of a huge plague.

At the end of the corridor, where the light was dimmer and let the darkness eat much of the cell, was Eren. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him sitting on his supposed bed, staring directly at the wall, or so it seemed; knowing him he was surely lost in his world. I kept my composure, avoiding giving any trace of my emotional and psychological state.

"Hi"

I got no response, as always.

I had the opportunity to inspect his cell, it was quite untidy and dripping with water, coming from the sink which was covered to the top. Unconsciously I prayed that this water was drinkable or at least that it was not too polluted, since I didn’t have to look completely at the brunette in front of me to know he had put his head in that same water.

"I like your hair, looks very smooth"

"What do you want?"

His voice came out calm but imposing and terrifying at the same time, I would be lying if I said I didn’t startle a bit, but I kept my composure as best as possible to avoid showing the fear in my eyes. Eren may not have noticed, but if he did, he was unfazed.

"The guys think that I can talk to you, but I told them they were completely wrong, I mean...we haven't been able to speak like we used to for a year, maybe more"

My words came out of my mouth like the venom of a snake. I couldn't tell if my intention was to make him feel guilty, or at least feel something, to reflect on my words, but guess what… his eyes didn't even leave the wall behind me.

I crossed my arms and rested my body on one of the bars, hoping to have some intimidating way for the damn bastard to decide to speak. Even though bullying wasn't my thing, I, yes, had a tired face and wasn't there to waste my time, but I had to achieve something, get something, whatever, so I could get out of this damn place.

"You know very well that I'm not going to leave until you say something"

His eyes met mine for a few seconds and then returned to their original position. I knew this was going to be difficult, but I couldn't help my irritation growing from my chest. With every minute that passed, the pain in that area was increasing and a lump in the throat was appearing with each tear that I wanted to avoid shedding.

I'd been through shitty days and had to come alone to the exact place I least wanted to be to talk to the person I least wanted to see.

"I'm used to being on my feet for long hours, I can be here all day, and that's exactly what I'm going to do"

I remained planted in front of the cell, positioning myself with crossed arms right in front of his eyes, preventing them from continuing to look at the miserable wall.

But my bad luck wasn't giving me any sign that I was going to win this fight very soon. Although I was covering his peripheral field, his eyes never deigned to look at me, they simply stayed glued to the front, now seeing my body in front, although in reality, he was seeing without seeing.

My patience was running out and this goddamn silent game had only just begun. I had to find something to work with, something that could flicker him or make him angry… anger would not be the best if I wanted to leave with all the bones intact and my already psychological trauma without further damage; but knowing Eren, anger was his fuel, which made him move and in an action-reaction effect, made everyone move together behind him.

That's it. Everyone. But we weren't all here.

Sasha was dead; Reiner, Berthold and Annie traitors and enemies of Paradis; Ymir disappeared and confirmed dead, being inherited by the new jaw titan; the only one missing from our group was our beloved Queen. The Queen that Eren so decided to care for and protect.

"You know, Historia is about to give birth"

It was mild, but I could feel his body tense. His eyes moved just the same slightly, but in those little acts I knew I had struck a chord. And I was willing to use it, even if it meant destroying my sanity and causing one of Eren's greatest worldly anger.

"Wouldn't it be nice to have a little baby on the squad?" I took a deep breath before launching the second impact of the night, preparing to receive whatever blow came next. "After all, it's your child, right?"

His body moved faster than I could ever achieve and my reflexes weren't sharp enough to pull away in time. His hand grabbed my shirt, drawing me towards the bars and hitting my cheeks on each one, now my face was directly in front of him, my field of vision being just his face and finally, his eyes were focused on mine.

"Don't even think about talking about Historia like that"

If looks could kill, surely I would already be dead on the ground. His grip on my chest was strong, he was even capable of ripping the fabric, but with a push back showed me that it wasn’t strong enough, that everything was a facade. I staggered, almost fell to the ground, but either way, I kept my balance and my expression. I was terrified inside, but I forced myself to keep a stoic look at all time, he was trying to play with me and although I was not entirely sure how much there were just words and how much were an act of anger and violence, I couldn’t dedicate myself to having a hint of doubt.

"Easy, Romeo, I know you're not the daddy...or are you?"

I adjusted my clothes, avoiding his gaze because I knew if I stared into his eyes, I would get a much worse look than the one he gave me a few seconds ago.

"Whatever, you gave me something to work with, Historia knows something and didn't tell us...gee, I wonder why"

I leaned my body against the cold stone. My gaze went everywhere, trying to keep avoiding his eyes and incidentally have a stronger support for my figure.

"The Queen doesn’t have to say anything to anyone"

Ohhh, you little shit.

If that's the game you want to play, then you're going to lose.

Even if his words were absolutely right, we shouldn’t forget that, before she was queen, Historia had been our friend during training and the entire year of accumulated trauma between betrayals and deaths. If we could continue to have conversations with her and were invited to participate in political meetings, then we had every right to be informed of the supposed plan that Eren implanted in our queen's mind.

For a moment I was scared by the physical and emotional state of Historia. Was Eren capable of keeping her threatened? Did he say or do anything to keep her quiet? The questions seemed to have no head or tail, but if Eren was able to grab me the way he did, I can't imagine what he could do to keep someone quiet.

"Yes, you are right, in the same way, trust only the queen before your friends... that’s brave"

I searched the corridor and the cell for something I could use to attract his attention again, if it was necessary for me to use violence against him, I would be willing to do it. My eyes met a chain anchored to the wall, quite a long chain, to tell the truth. And on the other side, reaching almost the middle of the corridor, I could make out a rather dirty cloth.

I glanced at Eren who had sat back down on his bed, head down in his hands, and walked down the hall with one goal in mind. I grabbed the cloth and walked back to the cell, standing in front of the bars. I reached out my hand to the sink and started to clean up what was left of the spilled water.

"It's all soaked, incredible that they keep a cell like this"

Without taking my eyes off the sink, I could hear Eren settling on his bed, perhaps sitting upright. I kept running the dirty cloth over the water, honestly I wasn’t achieving much apart from spreading the now dirty water even more, but I had to continue with the facade of an understandable couple.

"It's a complete mess...were Historia's legs like this when you railed her?"

As before, Eren had quickly stood up, ready to grab my hand that was inside the cell, but I was already better prepared. When I felt his fingers touch my wrist, I turned my hand to anchor it on his arm and draw him towards the bars, having that same arm outside the cell. With half body on the cold metal, my other hand grabbed the missing arm and with all my strength I pulled his limbs towards me, causing his body and head to crash against the bars.

"Do you want to do it the hard way? fine, we'll do it the hard way"

Eren tried to shake off my grip, but the adrenaline rushing through my veins prevented him from loosening even a millimeter. I pushed him and pulled him back to me, stretching his arms even further and hitting his head on the metal.

"What's wrong with you?"

Again, a back and forth motion.

"What is going on in your head?"

Back and forth.

"How much shit can you have in your mind that you are not able to tell your friends?"

Back and forth.

"TELL ME FOR FUCK SAKE!!"

With one last impact, I hit Eren's head and heard the fibers and tendons in his shoulders rip, just as his skin began to stretch and break, revealing the flesh and muscle beneath it. Rivers of blood flowed over his arms, dropping to the floor and turning his skin red.

His head was also bleeding to the side, soaking his torso and rebel hair. A pool of blood formed under our feet. I let go of his arms and then grabbed the chain that was on the wall and chained him. Considering the number of times he hab been chained since his fifteen years, I suppose one more time wouldn't do any harm to his already traumatized mind.

When I saw his hands were secure I dropped to the floor, not caring about the blood that now adorned the cold stone floor. I could feel my ass starting to get soggy and sticky from the substance. I would have to burn this pants when I got out of there.

Both my mind and my breath hitched, enveloping the environment. I tried to calm down and clear my mind to continue this hell of interrogation. I knew I shouldn't have agreed, and now look at what situation I was in.

"You know I can transform and use the power of the warhammer titan to get out of here"

Eren seemed withdrawn from his situation, as if bleeding to death didn't matter in the least. Steam came out of his shoulders, a sign that he was in the process of regeneration and prayed that this process would take a long time to materialize.

“I know…” I tried to calm my voice and breath before speaking again “but if you transform now, you would end up killing me, and killing me means betraying the legion, and betraying them means betraying the people of Paradis… you don 't want that, do you? "

My words may sound sly, but inside I was wanting to run out of there, get under the covers of my bed and sleep until the day of doomsday; I was even wishing to die in that sleep.

"I'm going to stay here until I know once and for all what's going on in your head, because I know that whatever shit is in there… it's killing you."

Now we were both looking into each other's eyes, fighting a battle in silence, seeing who would give up first. We held eye contact for a few long minutes, unable to tell how many. Maybe it was a couple, maybe half an hour or even an hour; whatever the time, I was already getting bored.

"If I had known it would take so long, I would have brought something to read"

"What has you so worried that you can't even tell Hange or the heichou?"

My question came reluctantly out of my mouth, as if my ability to fight was fading. I was already very tired and it seemed like days since I entered the dungeons.

"Noone would be able to understand"

"Oh please! Don't take me for a fool. Do you think that none of them are battling their own inner demons? Do you think that only you can have intrusive thoughts to fight against?"

His comment irritated me to the core. I never found Eren such a selfish person, and to think that a year or so ago he was declaring his unconditional affection to all of his comrades.

What happened in the last year? What changed?

"Each one of them has to face their own internal wars every day"

Before my anger got the best of me, I took a few small breaths, calming myself. I wasn't going to put me on the same level of hatred and misunderstanding as him, even if it meant throwing away all the years we were together.

"Historia surely has to fight against the stress and the multiple responsibilities that being a queen entails, apart from fighting against the offensive comments of the military police"

Maybe the island has been rid of Titans for a long time, but that didn’t take away the fact that shitty people, like those who lived on the Wall Sina, decided to try and continue controlling the poor people who were split the loin so those ungrateful would have a feast every night.

"Connie is struggling every day against losing his other half, his twin"

Connie, Jean, everyone ... EVERYONE! We were fighting and suffering the mourning of Sasha, of our teammates.

"Shit, surely Jean is still struggling with the memory of Marco after so many years"

Yes. No one had forgotten Marco, especially Jean. But we had to learn to keep going on that very day, we couldn't afford to get sentimental and spoil the next missions. From that day on we learned to watch over our dead mates in silence.

"I fight every day against my incompetence"

And now was the time that I could begin to veil my demons once and for all.

Already my body was begging to rest. I had laid my head on the wall and fixed my gaze on the ceiling. I heard the chains move at my side, a sign that Eren was moving, but I didn't have the strength to look him in the face.

"I fight every day against the image of Sasha dying in my hands"

I know that memory is going to haunt me until the day I die.

"I fight every day against the memories of our comrades dying in battle"

I saw countless deaths throughout the year 850, so many that I decided to use my knowledge in medicine to help even to stop a bleeding. I still remember the first suture I made to a mate already lost in battle ... I was so excited, so happy to be of such help.

"I fight every day against the idea of not being enough"

But that exaltation led to thousands of failures. People who had bled internally, who had lost an arm and couldn’t get to cauterize, hundreds who had lost half their stomach or head.

"I fight every day against our enemies on the other side of the sea"

I wasn't going to deny it, learning the pure and exclusive truth of the world, I couldn't help but feel a deep hatred for the Marleyans. I wanted them to pay for the countless deaths and suffering they had caused, I wanted to see them burn, but at the same time I wanted a reasonable explanation.

"I fight the memories of the titans devouring our friends"

Memories of the first day in battle, right at our graduation, when we thought that nothing could happen. How naive we were. And to think that that was just the beginning of a long list of events that would bring us to this moment.

"I fight every day along side with the memories of the team escaping from the base and messing it up to enjoy the summer nights"

Memories of when we would sneak into the palace and take Historia with us, enjoying the air in our faces and running in the valleys of the countryside. Memories of when we ran cows for some strange reason at the beginning of the day.

Memories of when we were racing with the 3D movement gear through the great forests outside the city. Memories of the occasional punch in the face against the bark of a tree for not knowing where we were going.

"I fight every day against the image of the big bright turquoise eyes that I fell in love with"

My gaze fell on those same eyes, but instead of finding the description that I wanted to see so much, I only found grayish green eyes, eyes that had lost all their brilliance.

I found eyes full of tiredness and anger for the world. The brilliance that so characterized Eren had been lost; now I would have to settle for a blank stare.

"I fight every day ... against the memory of our return to the rooms and Levi punishing us for weeks"

My voice was breaking as I remembered the nights when only Eren and I would sneak out to spend quality time alone. Those nights where we would lie down to see the stars or to lose ourselves in each other in some meadow.

I look at my hands, they were shaking. I couldn't help but remember the first night we spent together, back then I was shaking too, but Eren's hands on my cheeks dispelled any doubt or fear that I could ever have. I unconsciously smiled at the fond memory and I think Eren did too, as I heard a little laugh coming from him.

But no matter how much smiles and laughter the memories gave me, I had to go on and face the world that was now in front of me.

"I fight every day ... against the idea of running towards you, towards your arms"

Those arms that one day gave me warmth. Those arms that one day hugged and covered me the moment I found out that a mate had died. Those strong arms that I knew were going to protect me from any harm.

"I fight against the hope that this is all a nightmare, that you are going to cradle me in your arms and tell me that everything is going to be fine, that it was just a bad dream"

My gaze returned to his, now filled with tears. It hurt, the cruel truth hurt a lot.

"I fight against the desire to stay by your side"

Eren's face was dark, he had returned to how he was at the beginning, without any trace of that soft laugh I heard a few seconds ago.

"I fight with my inner voice that tells me that everything will be fine, that in a few years it will not hurt as much as it does now"

Maybe ... maybe I can start over and when all this nefarious war is over I can find peace, once and for all, and enjoy my friends.

"I fight to move on"

...

"I fight every day...against you"

That was it.

I stood up heavily, wiping the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand. The blood on the floor was already dry and had left the entire back of my pants stained. I hadn't noticed that the air had been permeated with the iron smell of blood, making my vomiting reflex worse, even though I had avoided it in a good way all this time.

"If you want to free yourself from this cell, go ahead, I'm not going to stop you"

His figure was already fully regenerated and I knew it was a matter of time before he transformed and left this filthy place. Eren might trust what he was doing was the right thing to do, but if he didn’t accept that in the eyes of the world, that in our eyes, his friends, the only family he had left, couldn’t understand his actions, then there wasn’t much to ask from him.

If he wanted to betray us, let him do it.

“Do what you have to do to fulfill your dream, I don't care anymore. But don't expect for me to sit around and wait for you"

"Are you planning to go to the other side of the sea?"

What a stupid and dubious question at the same time. Was I willing to leave my life in Paradis to start over even in the lands of the enemy?

No, not at all. Why I was no traitor.

"No Eren, I am not going to Marley, my family is here...but you are no longer part of it"

Those words hurt, but they needed to be said; that way I could already start to heal.

"Is that all you have to say?"

I couldn't tell if his words were mocking or a sincere question. But yes, it was all I had to say. I couldn't spend another minute in front of someone I didn't even know anymore.

"It's all I can bear"

I took one last look at the prisoner in the cell before turning and continuing down the long corridor of the dungeons.

"Are you leaving so soon? I thought I heard you would stay as long as it takes for me to speak"

As I reached the door, I took a deep breath of the foul smell of the environment. My hand lay on the doorknob and was half open when his words reached my ears. There was no need to shout from a distance, the echo of the stones made it easy for me to hear the smallest whisper of the perpetrator. I opened the door, but not before dedicating my last words.

"Goodbye Jaeger"

And behind me, I closed the door.

#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #snk #aot #eren jaeger #eren jaeger x reader #eren x reader #snk x reader #aot x reader #uuuufff #this was looong #shingeki no kyojin x reader #attack on titan x reader #angst #eren smut

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hermitdyke · 4 years ago

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Please do go off about metanarratives and colaborative storytelling in LL if you want king, my analisys loving heart is curious and interested

Anon thank you so much I was really unsure to share this. Warning for 3L and LL spoilers.

3rd Life and by extension, Last Life is a great example of a Metanarrative and an Emergent Narrative. The definition used of metanarrative for this is “An overarching account or interpretation of events and circumstances that provides a pattern or structure for people’s beliefs and gives meaning to their experiences”. An Emergent Narrative is “any video game storyline that is not written into the game by its developers, but emerges from the player’s interactions with various gameplay subsystems”.

Taking these definitions and placing it in the context of a collaborative Lets-Play series with multiple creators recording and taking part, allows us to analyze a complete storyline and find relevancy and meaning to the things the characters do/say/own, even if seemingly inconsequential from the start.

Multiple Perspectives and Metanarrative

The collaboration of 14 and 17 creators for each series is crucial in understanding how the story functions as it does. The individual’s viewing of a single point of view or POV of any single player reveals an amount of new information, interactions, and conflicts. The viewer’s knowledge of the single character’s experiences is about the same. When viewing multiple perspectives, the story expands significantly, showing different relationships between everyone and provides context to events that one may not have seen in the single POV.

For example, in viewing Impulse’s finale episode for 3rd Life, viewers may be confused or lost on why Bdubs attacked and took Impulse’s final life over a clock that Scar had given him. If the viewer had not seen Bdub’s first episode, they would not have realized the relevance between Bdubs and Scar with a clock, being that one was given to him at the very beginning from Scar during an early mining session. Viewers would also not know unless they had viewed Scar’s finale that the clock that was given to Bdubs was taken off of Impulse after losing his yellow life.

Immediately, the lack of viewership on multiple perspectives limits the scope on why the event is relevant, and the viewer may find the story ending dissatisfying, when in fact it is incredibly false. The cross-analysis of perspectives and events gives meaning to this otherwise simple event and forms a narrative from a simple item in the game- an Emergent Narrative.

Emergent Narratives, Lives, and Boogeymen

The term “subsystems” in the definition of Emergent Narratives is another way of describing a game’s mechanics. 3rd Life and Last Life differs from vanilla Minecraft in that they’re playing in a limited life, hardcore system, with the random threat of the Boogeyman and a proximity voice-mod. Without these, the narrative would be dramatically different, although it is possible to form an Emergent Narrative using vanilla Minecraft (DSMP!Eret’s Betrayal is a popular example). Because of these features and players interacting using these features, a narrative emerges from what in any casual Lets Play, could be considered a “bit”. This is what makes 3rd Life and Last Life stand out.

In 3rd Life, an emergent narrative is formed when Ren asks Martyn to kill him, despite Martyn being green and him being yellow. Ren’s use of the red life mechanic provided him a way to protect Renchanting under the threat and pressure of Scar. Ren (the player) judged being able to attack anyone at will overruled the safety of having multiple lives, and that he now poses as a new threat to the server. They also use a vanilla mechanic in renaming the Red Winter axe so all members could recognize their newfound power and creating a desirable item in their alliance. In “proving his loyalty”, Martyn and Ren’s storyline really kicks off and starts to conflict with the other members as a new power on the server.

A recent example in Last Life is from Scar’s perspective and goes to show just how possible it is that Last Life can/will follow a similar route as its counterpart. Bdubs in his first episode asks Etho, “if you were the Boogeyman and I died to a mob in here, would you be like, ‘man”, is that a consideration you’d make?”, “..like I missed my chance, should’ve taken them when I could. (Timestamp: Bdubs Last Life Episode 1, 17:20-17:38)

This is ironic, considering that Bdubs at the time was the Boogeyman. An episode later, one of the two boogeymen of the session, Joel leads Lizzie into a trap, getting in a few hits, only to fail and lose a life himself. The damage that he dealt to Lizzie weakened her was only after killed by a mob, and brings the scenario Bdubs suggested into reality.

Without the use of the limited lives, Boogeyman system, and the limited Enchanting table resource, this narrative thread would not have worked. And in the Metanarrative of the story, unless the viewers both viewed Bdub’s and Joel/Lizzie’s perspectives, they would not have found relevancy in this scenario.

Lack of Script

The most important part of the Metanarrative and Emergent Narrative is that no one knows that these events are important or are going to amount to something in the end. It is the viewer’s knowledge and creators’ forethought of the series to see the narrative emerge from just a couple of friends playing a video game and starting a war, to developed characters with an overarching storyline in a limited episode run. At the start, none of the stories was intentional. The individual’s interpretation of the events and forming these connections between one or more perspectives is the real storyline, and if the creator wants to support this discovered story, they can (Martyn and Scott’s 3L endings).

A great example of this inability to script events is in Bdubs’ 3rd Lift perspective. In his first episode, he passes by a cliff face with a pond below. As he approaches and looks down the cliff, he says, “Nobodies against each other, y’know, it’s just kinda hanging out.” As he passes by and down the hill, “Eventually, once we get down lower, like once you’re on your third life, I think then its vengeance time.” (Timestamp: Bdubs 3L Episode 1, 12:41- 12:51)

Because of his experiences and the events unfolding in 3rd Life, the irony is not lost when he is killed just at the bottom of the exact same cliff by Grian and Scar as revenge. These seemingly irrelevant events in the moment form patterns across the entire series, with some underdeveloped locations, suddenly becoming relevant. A seemingly irrelevant moment is now much darker and holds so much more meaning to the character.

What does this mean for Last Life’s story? Is there an Emerging Metanarrative?

Narratives can be found anywhere, and in collaboratively playing an open-world sandbox game, there’s almost no avoiding it. With the start of Last Life, any of these seemingly casual conversations or collected items could have any sort of meaning in the future. This happened in Scar’s episode this week where he worries that he’ll drop from 5 to 1 life and get boogeyman “Oh no- we’re gonna lose all of our lives, aren’t we? We have five lives and by the end of this I’m gonna be a red life.”(Timestamp: Scars LL Episode 2, 4:54-4:59)

Only in the end, for both him and Joel to be Boogeymen, and for Joel to drop to red and lose his alliance with Scar. The catastrophe of the episode essentially avoided Scar, even though he was constantly at the forefront of the conflict. These small off comments, seemingly inconsequential are now made relevant and active conflicts between the characters.

And there’s plenty more of these events across 3rd Life, and predicting what is to come is nearly impossible (though I do have my own ideas).

-Comments made towards Etho’s tree and wool base, only for both to be burned multiple times, and all of Etho’s deaths being related to fire.

-Martyn to BigB in early episodes, wanting to track down Ren and their relationship and building of Renchanting/Dogwarts

(Personal theory- there are currently 3 wither skulls on the last life server, belonging to Grian, Etho, and Pearl/Scott. Currently, they are irrelevant, but there are THREE WITHER SKULLS, with the entire server having easy access to soulsand.)

#3rd life smp #last life smp #last life smp spoilers #3rd life smp spoilers #emerging metanarratives is such an interesting concept to me

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brockadoodles · 5 years ago

Text

Heartbreak and a New Tattoo - w. nylander

AN: Uhhhhhhhh. Definitely didn’t intend on posting a fic tonight but, cranked this out. It started off as meaning to be fluffy and cute but uh, my angsty cold heart said no? I’m trying to be better about writing shorter stuff, so let me know what you think! I’m gonna tag @broadstbroskis and @jasondickinsonss since they’re my resident willy pals.

Word Count: 2653

Warnings: Angst, happy ending though.

No one warned you that you would lose a piece of yourself when you fell in love. They didn’t caution you about how for every good moment, the ones that make your head spin and your heart race, there would be a chip of your own sense of person falling away. They didn’t tell you that after four years with someone, you slip into their habits, nestling tightly into their life. So much so that you aren’t even sure what direction you’re facing, because everything around you was built by him. It wasn’t that William did anything wrong. In fact, he did everything a partner should. His life was logistically a chaotic nightmare, each step felt like he was balancing on a rope, trying to get to the other side. But he was good at it, he always prioritized you, even when it was hard. The only problem was that he didn’t know the very rope he was stuck on was fraying.

It had started small, the cracks between you. The calls during road trips became shorter, less engaged. By the time either of you realized what was happening, it was just two people who once aligned into one breathing on a deadline out of obligation because it felt like that was what you were supposed to do. By the time you realized that the person you thought you were, wasn’t anyone recognizable without William by your side, you irresponsibly thought that it was time to let go. So, you let go of the visions of marriage and a family, of the house you dreamed of building together once things settled down, of the thoughts of the holidays spent together, each one more special than the last. You let it all go, taking a seam ripper to the last bits of thread connecting your souls. You couldn’t decide what hurt worse, the demise of what you thought was forever, or the fact that William didn’t put up a fight as you packed your things and left.

William didn’t know what hit him when you muttered that you were leaving. He was so sure it had to be a mistake, that there had to be some piece of information missing that would fix everything. He felt his chest caving in, the weight of you packing your bags codifying a new language into his head, one that didn’t include you. He spent weeks circling through the last few months before you ended it. Writing down and analyzing every fight, every night spent without talking to each other when he was gone, trying to piece together what moment made you leave. What he could have done to save the very thing that was destined to fall apart no matter how much super glue he tried to stick to it. You needed to find yourself again, and no matter how badly he longed to help you, he needed to let you go.

When William came back into Toronto in September, he was incessantly telling himself that he was doing better, that the fresh season would throw him back into a familiar enough routine that he could finally adjust to life without you. But familiarity breeds nostalgia, and nostalgia controlled the heartbreak he had spent the last few months trying to let go of. It wasn’t until he was back in the apartment that you shared that the resentment stage of his grief had tucked into his heart.

The resentment was the worst part of the breakup. Because he didn’t want to resent anything about you. He had gotten four years to love you as best as he could, and he didn’t want to replace all of the memories of love with a feeling of regret. He didn’t regret loving you, even if it ended the way that it had. He didn’t regret thinking he was going to marry you, and when he finally moved on from the resentment stage of grief, he realized that sometimes you can put your all into someone and they simply might not be able to give you all of it back. He was slowly starting to thread the foundation of a new rope, he was starting to move on. But when he saw you standing there in your dark blue dress, your hair a bit shorter than the last time he had seen you, talking to Steph, he dropped the newly constructed rope off the ledge.

You on the other hand were spending your summer trying to piece together the remaining fragments of your own being, the person who you were before you met William. You were doing okay, as okay as someone could be when they had just ended a four-year relationship with the person that they assumed would be the one. You spent months lying to yourself about being okay. You spent months trying to convince yourself that you didn’t make a mistake, that you didn’t leave because you couldn’t handle being honest with him about how you were feeling.

It was October and you knew he was back in the city. Hockey had started which meant that his presence was now one you actively had to avoid. You took the long way into the city and back home most days, actively avoiding the arena, knowing that being there would be too much. This half-hearted way of living in the city you called home was manageable, until December when you finally had the courage to unpack the remaining boxes from the home you shared together.

You were going through a notebook when it fell out, Mitch and Steph’s wedding invitation from over a year ago now. You picked up the card, eyes welling with the tears you had shoved down for the last six months as you remembered that weekend. The weekend you realized Will was your person.

“I can’t believe you and Mitch are finally getting married.” You hummed to Steph as you slid off your heels and collapsed onto the hotel bed. You had always admired Mitch and Steph, their relationship was one that was the definition of two people who fit together seamlessly, and made the choice to make it work between them. It wasn’t a fairytale or a whirlwind, it was real and raw and you couldn’t be happier as you laid in that hotel bed, dress and makeup still on, half-drunk from the overpriced cocktails that the boys kept flowing after they crashed the bachelorette party, that two of your closest friends were getting married in just two days.

“God, I know. Is it weird I’m not nervous about it at all?” Steph called from around the corner. You stood up, your feet slightly throbbing from being in heels all night and your mind feeling a bit fuzzy from the drinks as you rounded the corner and saw her taking off her makeup in the mirror.

“No, you and Mitch are just right, ya know? It works.” You looked at her hand, eyes shifting to the diamond sitting perfectly on her ring finger, sparkly and bright and perfect for her. You grabbed your phone from the counter where you had left it earlier in the evening, not wanting to bring it out with you while you and the girls celebrated with Steph. You looked at the home screen, a small notification catching your eye as you unlocked the phone and hit play on the voicemail. Steph grabbed the phone from your hand, a knowing smile on her face as she turned the volume on the speaker up, William’s voice filling the small hallway before you had the chance to stop it.

“Hey baby, you’re probably back in the room by now. I just wanted to say that you looked amazing tonight, and I know we can’t be together tonight because of the traditions and all that, but I love you and will be thinking of you.”

Steph handed you the phone back, a stupid smirk evident on her face that you were pretending to ignore. You went back toward your suitcase, sliding the dress off of your body and throwing on one of Willy’s old sweatshirts and a pair of shorts. You sat on the bed, fingers hovering over your phone as you thought of a message to type back to your boyfriend, a smile lingering on your cheeks from his message.

“You know what he said to me the night he met you? Granted, he was shitfaced, but I still think it’s relevant.” Steph smirked as she came around the corner, crawling onto the other side of the bed and turning to face you. You rolled your eyes at her and set your phone down, ignoring her slightly as she started speaking again,

“He told me ‘I’m gonna marry her one day Stephanie, just wait.’”

You let yourself cry over that memory, and for the first time since the breakup, you realized that you were worse off without him, that you had ended something entirely too good for reasons you didn’t understand. You picked up the phone to call more times than you could count, only to set it back down again, torturing yourself with the idea that you had made your decision, and you needed to lay with it.

You were in such a daze when he walked up to you, nerves settling into your stomach at the sight of him. He didn’t look like your Willy anymore, he looked like a hollow version of the man you still were hopelessly in love with, the one that you ultimately played the biggest hand in breaking. You followed him without a word when he asked you if you could talk because the truth was that you would follow William anywhere if it meant that maybe you could get a piece of him back.

It was awkward for a few moments, both of you riddled with nerves, wondering who was going to dare to break first and say what they were truly thinking about. It was agonizing, being so close to him for the first time in such a long time, and it only made your own doubts about leaving him to come back to your chest in full force. William grabbed your hand quickly, threading his fingers through yours before finally speaking, being the first one to crack the eggshells that you were both walking on.

“Do you sleep well without me? Because I don’t. I don’t think I’ve slept since June when you left.” He said, head hanging down as if the words he was speaking were in some way shameful. Your heart wanted to break for him because you had been in the same situation for so long, nights feeling long and empty without him there. But part of you was almost feeling some weird sense of satisfaction at knowing he was hurting just as badly as you. You weren’t surprised he dove right in, head first. It was what he always did. He had known you for so long, there wasn’t a point in dancing around saying he missed you now that he had the chance to tell you so, he had already been doing enough to push it away on his own. He didn’t want to keep pushing something that he was starting to realize wasn’t meant to go away.

“No, willy. I haven’t slept well since we broke up.” You shook your head, opting to tell the truth because up until this point, lying to pretend you were fine had only left you empty, with a broken heart that you didn’t know how to heal.

“I stayed up until 6 am just because at least then if I called you might be awake. I felt like I was watching myself just get worse and worse, and all I wanted was you. I’m not supposed to want you anymore, William.”

“I would have answered, I would always answer.”

“It’s not the same, you know it’s not.” William sighed softly at your words as he let them run in tedious circles through his head. He had spent the better part of the last six months missing you and replaying the events from the summer wondering if you were both wrong for what had happened. Your love story had been like a journey by train, exciting when you’re young and tiring when you get older. It was great until one of you, who could even remember who at this point, had gotten off during a stop and the other one continued on the journey alone and by the time you both reached the final destination, the two different trips couldn’t merge into one anymore. But the problem was that maybe the final destination was all wrong, maybe you were supposed to get off the train because now you could come back together and start a different trip together, one that isn’t tiring when you’re older.

He looked over at you quickly and let his eyes linger on the features of your face, the ones he used to have memorized hidden by the obvious toll the breakup had taken on you, too. He couldn’t help but think about how if he were to take one look in a mirror that he had been avoiding for the past six months, he probably wouldn’t recognize himself either.

“I tried to call you,” he started, voice tentative and unsure as you turned to look at him. Your eyes were blurry, and your mind nearly blacked out at the five words he just spoke. Five words that maybe could change everything, or perhaps they would have if you had seen the call in the first place. You tilted your head softly as William ran his hand through his hair.

“But, your voicemail was full.” You looked away from him, the pain in your chest creeping back in as you took in his second set of five words. Your voicemail, the one that had been filled with messages from him, from times where you were happy, and from drunken nights after the breakup where he sometimes would call and all you would hear on the other end was silence.

“I couldn’t bring myself to delete them, I just wanted a place where I would be able to hear your voice and have it be just for me,” you smiled sadly, letting the tears blur your vision as you stood up. You didn’t know what to do, this all felt suffocating and overwhelming and yet definitive at the same time. This was it, you were either getting William back, or you were letting him go forever. The choice should have been a simple one and yet it was almost more complicated than the initial choice to breakup had been because at least when you did that, you both thought it was what you wanted. Now you were presented with either putting your heart out in the open, tossing it carefully to the person you had known for so long and putting your trust in him to catch it, or you were running the risk of him dropping it and leaving you crumbled on the floor as you tried to pick up the remnants of whatever would be left after a fumble that big.

“I spent Christmas without you, please don’t make me spend New Years without you, too.”

“I don’t want to spend any day without you again.” You whispered, resting your hand on his cheek. William smiled at you and pulled you close into his chest. He tilted your head up and connected his lips to yours, something that you both had spent the last six months missing. You settled into him, feeling your fears melt with each moment that passed. The breakup had left heartache in both of you, but it was necessary to put your real love into permanent ink on both of your chests. A new start, one without heartbreak and with a new tattoo.

#william nylander #william nylander imagine #william nylander fic #william nylander x reader #nhl imagine #nhl fic

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