#(this part still makes me legit tear up even after reading it a million times by now)

[still-breathing-au-p3r]

[continued from here] [first post for October 18th] It may be Shinji who has more of a way with words between the two of them, but Akihiko has always been the one who fills their silences. Shinji’s the kind of guy who would rather listen than talk, unless he’s really got something to say. So naturally, that means it falls on Akihiko to break the silence they’re mired in now, as well. 

But he just can’t bring himself to do it. 

It isn’t that he doesn’t know what to say– he can think of plenty of things that he should say right now. The issue is whether or not he can. He tries a few times to speak up and feels bile rise in his throat instead of his voice. 

So he chokes it down and they’re left with…nothing. Nothing besides the scorched atmosphere Akihiko left in his wake.

Maybe it would be for the best if he leaves. Maybe getting away from here and taking some time to calm himself down is the better option, even though he’s loath to think about parting ways with Shinji on such an awful note. Even if it should only be temporary, how can he be certain it will be? How can he know for sure that their luck will hold, and Shinji will still be here when Akihiko gets his shit together?

He doesn’t know how he’d live with himself if the worst came to pass, and that was the last conversation he and Shinji ever had.

Akihiko’s inability to swallow his shame and talk past it turns out not to matter, ultimately. It’s Shinji who finally breaks the arid silence with a heavy sigh. 

“Look, I’m…really no good at this sorta thing,” he starts. “You already know that. An’ I’m also kinda high on painkillers right now, ‘cause– turns out getting shot doesn’t feel great. So maybe nothin’ I say’ll make any sense.”

Despite himself, Akihiko wheezes out a small laugh, and Shinji’s mouth twitches up on one side. He wants to believe that maybe this is a step in the right direction. It’s not like he’s wrong either; Shinji’s talents with words have never extended to talking about his feelings, even before his Persona went berserk. 

“But…you’re right,” Shinji continues. “I knew what the consequences could be, but I didn’t take ‘em seriously enough– not for Amada, or for you ‘n Kirijo– because I was too caught up in my own reasons.”

Shinji’s hands clench into fists around the bedsheets, his fingers trembling. “None of it– nothing mattered to me as much as the thought that maybe… Maybe I wouldn’t have to live with the fact that I’m a murderer anymore.”

“Shinji…” Each word out of Shinji’s mouth feels as heavy as a cinderblock, and Akihiko’s chest aches under the weight of them all. 

Shinji closes his eyes and sags back against his pillow, exhaling a weighted breath through his nose. He looks utterly exhausted. “That’s all I’ve cared about these last two years. The only thing I wanted was to atone, no matter how. And my life for the one I ruined seemed like a fair trade, y’know?”

When Shinji opens his eyes again, his gaze falls on the open window. The Moonlight Bridge winks back at him, the morning sun glazed mirror-bright over its arches, forcing him to wince and look away. “But I guess that’s pretty screwed up, right? I was just pushin’ my selfishness onto a kid and takin’ the coward’s way out, like you said.” 

Akihiko doesn’t quite trust himself to speak without a sob bubbling up instead, and in any case, the glare off the bridge is starting to get to him too, so he gets up to close the curtains. He grips the stiff, plasticky fabric tightly and bites his lip. 

“And that’s…” He almost doesn’t turn back around to face Shinji, but decides at the last moment that he needs to. “That’s really how you feel?” 

Shinji holds his gaze for just a moment before looking away. “Mhm.” 

It’s the first time Akihiko has heard Shinji like this– so somber and serious– in a very long time. But if he’s being truthful (Akihiko hopes to god that he is), it only serves as a horrible reminder of just how much Akihiko has failed. 

He must be making a face, because when Shinji looks at him again his mouth twists into a rueful smile. “Still mad, huh?”

“Of course I am.” Akihiko’s answer is immediate. “I just…am I really that unreliable?”

“...What?”

Akihiko almost returns to his seat but overshoots it and ends up pacing instead. “Shinji, you helped me so much when Miki died. You were there for me, you– you never left my side. You always made sure I was okay.”

Memories flood over him like a tsunami, churned together by time and grief until they all blend into an amorphous impression of those days, individual moments of shocking clarity floating within the tide like flotsam. 

Shinji had let Akihiko cling to him for days after the fire with minimal breaks, while Akihiko had cried until he’d been sick. Shinji had held him tightly all through the funeral as he’d choked on dry sobs, all of the tears wrung out of him, his eyes throbbing and swollen almost shut. Afterwards he’d bullied Akihiko into lying down and draped washcloths soaked in cool water across the top half of his face. 

Shinji, checking in with him between classes since they didn’t have the same homeroom that year. Shinji, walking the entire way home with him after school even after the adoption had been finalized and Akihiko had gone to live with his parents, their house in the exact opposite direction as the new building that served as the orphanage.

And that was just the aftermath of Miki’s death. Shinji’s been looking after him all his life and never expected anything in return. All those memories blend together until it’s impossible to keep track of them all. 

Akihiko had certainly appreciated it at the time, but he’d still taken it for granted. It’s only now that he realizes just how much it all meant to him. His breath shakes, his voice trembles. “I don’t– I don’t think I could’ve gotten through it at all if I hadn’t had you. So– the fact that you thought I couldn’t be there for you–”

“That’s not it.” Shinji cuts him off. “You’ve got it all wrong, Aki. I knew you would’ve been.” He glares into his lap. “That was the whole problem– I didn’t want you to be. I didn’t want your help, or Kirijo’s, or anyone’s. It all goes back to me bein’ a selfish asshole.”

Oh.

That makes an unfortunate amount of sense. 

“...Was it that you didn’t want it, or–” Akihiko swallows, the sound uncomfortably loud in his ears. “Did you think you didn’t deserve it?”

Shinji shrugs. “Same thing at the end of the day, ain’t it.”

“No.” Akihiko shakes his head. “It’s not the same at all. You did deserve it. You do deserve it, Shinji.”

He doesn’t answer right away. His expression is stony and contemplative as he mulls over Akihiko’s words. 

“...If I’m honest, ‘m still not sure I can believe that,” Shinji says quietly. He looks at Akihiko again, meeting his gaze and holding it this time. “But I am sorry, Aki. Sorry for bein’ that selfish asshole.”

Despite what he’d demanded earlier, he hadn’t really been expecting any kind of apology. He wasn’t sure if he’d even really wanted one, or if all he’d really been after was the catharsis of throwing a punch. But hearing it now, with Shinji sounding so genuine, so sincere– emotion starts to swell in Akihiko’s chest again. 

He pushes it down before it can strangle his voice. Shinji isn’t the only one who needs to apologize. It’s time he stops being so self-centered.

Akihiko makes his way back to his seat, pulling it even closer to Shinji’s bedside as he sits. His knees knock against the bed frame. 

“I’m sorry too,” Akihiko murmurs. He ignores the look Shinji gives him. “I kept saying I wanted you to rely on me, but– I didn’t take your feelings into consideration at all and I forced you back into a fight you didn’t want to be a part of. 

“And because of that…” He shakes his head, glowering down at his hands. He clenches and unclenches them into fists, watching the tendons in his wrists flex. “If I’d been paying more attention, if I’d just realized what was going on when Amada joined us–”

“Hey,” Shinji interrupts him using the same tone of voice he does when he’s about to tell off one of the juniors, or when he’d scold one of the younger kids at the orphanage. “Don’t you dare start blamin’ yourself for this, alright? None of this is your fault.”

It’s nice of him to say, but Akihiko knows it isn’t true. 

“Are you sure?” he asks. “You’ve told me a thousand times how tunnel-visioned I am. How I always run off on my own without thinking because I focus on one thing and forget about everything else.” Suddenly it feels like every lecture that Shinji’s ever given him and he’d brushed off is weighing down on his shoulders, heavy and shameful. 

“I told myself I needed to be stronger, but… In reality, I was just doing the exact same thing I accused you of. I was just running away too, from any problem that I couldn’t solve by knocking it down hard enough.”

What else has Shinji lectured him about that he just passed off as nothing when he should have listened? Why had it taken him until now to realize it? Why had it taken this? 

“You were right all along. And in the end, it didn’t even do any good. It didn’t matter how strong I was. Look what happened!” He gestures at Shinji, at the bed he’s propped up in– at everything in the room. It speaks for itself. 

“You almost died, Shinji! If one thing had been different– if just one thing hadn’t happened the way it did…you wouldn’t be here.” A sob clogs his throat. He drops his head into his hands, digging the heels of his palms against his eyes in a futile effort to keep the tears at bay. 

“All that strength, and yet I still couldn’t do anything for you. Not a single goddamn thing. I couldn’t even donate blood when you needed it, did you know that?”

“Aki…” Shinji doesn’t say anything more for several long moments, and the silence between them grows so heavy. Eventually, though, Shinji reaches out and puts a hand on Akihiko’s knee. 

“Listen,” he says. “We both fucked up. But there’s nothin’ we can do about it now. And…” He gives Akihiko’s knee a soft squeeze. “If it means anything, I don’t hold any of it against you.” 

Attempting to hide how emotional he’s gotten was hopeless from the start, but he’d been holding the line so far, if only by the skin of his teeth. Now Akihiko crumbles. He’s thankful that it’s just Shinji here instead of the whole team. He’d never live it down. At least Shinji’s seen him cry a million times before, so the blow to his pride doesn’t sting that bad. 

“I-it does. It means a lot to me, Shinji,” he replies, his voice quiet and hoarse, scrubbing the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand.

[mymomisdrunkagain]

My Mom is Drunk Again -- Some Hometown Revelations

June 22, 2024 --

It's been awhile since I posted anything, but don't worry patient followers, everything has been pretty much the same! So, you haven't missed much!

Same ol' conversations with a drunken version of my mother at noon... same screaming matches between her drunk ass and poor struggling Auntie at midnight...

Sadly, things have gotten worse for my Auntie. Her stage 4 colon cancer was in remission, but then over the course of a 9 week period, she wound up missing any kind of treatment (various, legit reasons, too. just so surprised and sad that it wound up being so many legit reasons in a row for so long!), and then mother came back from a dog sitting job, and bingo-bango! Auntie's cancer is back, and now theres even a new malignant mass higher up in her colon.

She's strong as fuck tho, so I have faith she'll pull through... it'll be a really rocky road along the way tho.

But! Just when you thought the norm was gonna bore you to tears, I had a startling revelation that literally shook me all the way to my tumblr and started my fingers a'typin! Its got a bit of a backstory, so grab some popcorn and get comfy!

My Mother and Auntie are from a small town in Illinois, where my grandparents lived their whole lives. My grandfather died suddenly from a blood clot after having undergoing exploratory surgery to try to find out what was causing him some major problems. Surgery was a success, and the following day, he was feeling well enough to take a little stroll around the hospital grounds. He got back to his room, told the on-duty nurse he was feeling a little extra-winded from his walk and went to sit down. The nurse said she could tell by his face, he was dead before his butt hit the chair.

My amazing, stellar, words-can't-describe-her grandmother was 2nd generation Swede, daughter of a pastor, and an all-around amazing woman. First female to graduate their small town's college, got her masters, and was a life-long intellectual. She was deeply devoted to history and reading, but her true love, which she made no secret about, was art. She devoured images and shapes and sounds and texts as if her soul was somehow incomplete without them. Her passion for the arts continued on long after her death through the amazing things she gifted to her family.

All that being said, Grandmother was not financially-minded. Grandfather had taken care of everything that was prefixed by dollar signs and she was blessed with a life free from financial burden and worry-- for a time, at least...

When Grandfather died, it turned out he owed the family about half a million dollars, which the petty, vindictive, small-dick small-minded younger brother used as leverage to vote the rest of our part of the family out of the family trust. He hated my Grandfather so much, that his broken, sad little mind had to get revenge by removing our part of the family from our rightful inheritance and access to the family trust.

Well, his actions broke us. Completely. But, this is getting too deep into the nitty and or bitty-- gritty.

Around 2010 (?), Mother decided that Grandmother was showing signs of dementia (Mother is a doctor of all medicines, you see, and was clearly able to diagnose this mental failing from across the country, over the phone), so Mother went out to visit and check in on her.

Well, while Mother was there, she decided to live it up! Visit her friends, see the sights, knock back some drinks, and just paint the town-- or whatever the phrase is.

And, while staying with Grandmother for what wound up being a little over 2 months, Mother pissed through all of Grandmother's hard-earned, eagle-eye-watched savings.

See, Grandmother wasn't good with banking, at first ... but she caught on fast, and became a total wizz at spending and saving and making things work. She was able to live quite well off of Grandfather's social security, but she still had to watch where every cent went.

Long story, short, we decided we needed to bring Grandmother out here to Cali to live with us and along the way, things went downhill so so quickly. Well, she was forced to live with my Mother in this 3 bedroom home that somehow ... my Mother wound up being the sole remaining renter in. She managed to be such a horrible person that the 3 other roommates couldn't stand living with her, so, over time, they all bailed, leaving Mother with this place to herself, and us in (what we thought) was an ideal situation to help Grandmother.

When Grandmother's health started really failing, we discovered that her long-term health insurance that she'd had for 30+ years had been cancelled to non-payment and she was left out to dry when it came to any kind of decent health care. She had long-term health insurance which covered everything, including full-time, live-in home care assistance. She would have been so well cared-for up until her dying day. She paid spent her hard-saved money on this policy that included burial costs, and even a small payout to her next of kin. It was an amazing policy that she made sure she always had the funds for when the auto-bill payment came every 3 months.

I had always assumed she'd forgotten to make a payment because of her memory lapses... but, thanks to those wonderfully clear shower thoughts... i finally realized that the payment was missed because Mother had drained all of Grandmother's savings. Two months of vodka for mother cost my Grandmother her dignity; she never wanted to be a burden to us as she got older, but she lost that sense of peace, too. All gone in 60 days time. 30 years, spent on countless vodkas consumed in a useless effort to entertain, then numb, an entitled, selfish bitch.

[elysianslove]

Hi! <3 I'm the roomate hc anon again (lol) and can I request best friends to lovers hc for iwaizumi, kuroo and oikawa? Also this blog is gonna blow up soon so remember me when you're famous bro 😌✊️❤️

OMG HI AGAIN! i’m so sorry this is late :( but oh my the excitement that flooded through me when i saw this request hsvhjsd. i really hope you enjoy this!! also vshdks i luv u bb THANK YOU.

iwaizumi hajime

im making these as detailed as fuck so i apologize in advance <3

becoming best friends with hajime was a very out of the blue thing 

the two of you shared a lot of classes together, and since you were always seeing each other, you’d choose each other as partners a lot 

you’d sit next to him in all the classes that you could

you’d meet up a lot during school breaks and just hang out 

you two clicked very well honestly, like you found that it was so easy to talk to him, and it was so easy to lose yourself in the conversation 

most of your convos are v mature and sophisticated too like

it’s nice when you can talk to someone on the same brain wavelength as you yk 😼

anyways overtime you’d come to his practice sessions, and even if they were long you’d just stay and watch bc why not

if you had hw to do and he noticed you were a lil stressed about it, he’d tell u to come study while he practiced as a change of scenery and all 

he’d walk you home almost every night at this point

oikawa noticing and being jealous <3 

“they’re stealing you from me!” “they’re not— what is wrong with you oikawa.” 

okay so this best friend stuff has been going on for a long time

long enough for you to realize you wanted more from him

but this is iwaizumi hajime and it’s almost impossible to know what he’s thinking 

like

ever 

so you just keep it to yourself, thinking it’s just a small crush and it’s not worth ruining what the two of you have at this rate 

so all this had happened first year, and when you’re nearing the end of your second year

that’s when you realize that

shit

it’s not just a crush

and when you have feelings for someone, every little thing they do expands a million times in your head

so a hug from him that you’d once never go over twice has you thinking about it as you go to sleep

the hoodies he’d lend you during practice while you stayed in the gym bc it was ungodly cold in there now send tingles down your spine at the lingering scent of him

the way he’d grab your hand to drag you somewhere now leave a heavy effect on your palm, forcing you to trace it once he’s gone 

his texts give you butterflies 

every time his name pops up on your phone screen you have a mini heart attack

and yeah

those are all symptoms of a crush

but is a crush meant to last this long? 

at the start of your third year, you greet him outside of the school gates after not seeing you all summer

he smiles so bright and hugs you so, so tightly 

you already are so hyperaware of how strong iwa is

but the feelings you have for him that won’t go away are so not helping your fixation on the feel of his biceps 

anyways before this becomes v nsfw 

you two catch up like u had met yesterday 

and then at the end of the day, after practice, which you stay for bc u missed ur vbc boys 🥺

he walks you home 

like always

and as he stands by your front door, in a burst of courage, he takes your hand in his and pulls you harshly towards him, pushing his body against yours and capturing your lips in a heated kiss

it’s so messy and harsh and you pretty much collided 

but holy shit

you were pretty sure fireworks erupted when you two kissed

years of pining and what had felt like unrequited love finally being resolved 

it’s the most satisfying feeling ever

you never want to stop kissing him

but alas </3 

when he pulls back, you’re both breathing so heavily 

you’re not sure if it’s the adrenaline or the kiss itself 

and he just looks at you and goes “did u tan while you’re away ur eyes look brighter” 

no sir i am in love with you

when you two officiate things 

he’s actually way shyer than he was as best friends??? 

like as best friends he wouldn’t feel slightly weird about hugging you in public or grabbing at your hand randomly or being seen alone with you

but now like

people know ??? and somehow that scares iwa 

or makes him uncomfortable 

idk he just feels iffy

but ur so understanding bless ur heart <3 

ur so careful with him and take it at his own pace 

zero pda at the start of the relationship 

like he won’t even wanna hug u in front of the seijoh team 

but slowly he warms up 

and he starts getting more comfortable with things like hand holding and occasional pecks on the cheek/lips 

your traditions as best friends don’t die as lovers 

if anything you believe in them even more 

now you watch more diligently during practice 

you proudly attend his games in his jersey, cheering the loudest for him (and for the rest of the boys bc they: best) 

walks home with you are so much more serene 

always gives you a kiss before he parts ways 

idk it’s like some sort of commemoration for your first kiss/confession 

unless you invite him inside 😏

this is so fucking long im so sorry i just love iwa 

anyways anybody want boyfriend!iwa headcanons i got a lot hehe 

to conclude, it was so gradual and inevitable with the two of you, and you’re forever glad it happened when it did and you hadn’t rushed anything <3333

oikawa tōru

unlike hajime, this wasn’t something that took one or two years

this bitch couldn’t admit he was in love with you for like 10 years okay 

you’ve known him for the majority of your life, because you’d always lived in close proximity to each other 

but you were never best friends yk? just acquaintances 

it was around the end of middle school when you two got close

cause you saw he was applying to aoba johsai for high school

and you were like !!! i’m going there too 

at first he was like stop copying me 😾 

you guys had a staring contest bc y’all are idiots and there were legit tears streaming down ur face but u were not about to lose to a pissbaby like him

he blinked 😁👍🏼

and he lost 

and then he decided “you’re my best friend now ” 

anyways aside iwa, he now had someone else he was going into high school with

like it’s a completely new environment but he had two people he very much liked going with him !!! 

when the time came around to like apply for/join clubs, you had been so clueless 

but toru stuck by you !! and he was so adamant on helping you !! 

he would sit with you after school as he practiced tossing with hajime and just brainstorm with you what you liked to do

it’s what brought you two closer together

cause you realized just how many things in common you had with him 

for a full week he tried to help you come up with something

for the sake of this hc let’s say u decide to join the newsletter club 

you’re very wary at first but then he’s like when ur part of it you’ll visit the vbc regularly so u can take pictures/observe to write essays 

the fact that toru would be there kinda set you at ease 

now you’ve never seen toru play properly 

he’s practiced in front of you before

plenty of times

but a proper match? or a practice one? 

never 

so it’s safe to say u were in awe when you got assigned to go watch a practice match against (idk pick a school) 

it’s embarrassing to admit but your eyes were on him the entire time 

thank god he became the captain later on else it’d be so sus 

you really tried to pay attention to anybody else lmfao 

it’s kinda what drew you to him more

you still didn’t really have feelings

you only realized just how passionate he is about everything 

at some point you had an essay to write for your newsletter about the volleyball club

but you were having a hard time like really getting into it

so you immediately just called toru and were like “help 😃” 

he came over and you asked him a bunch of questions, and he would go on deadass 20 min rants for each of them

you were just 

so amazed 

like how could someone have so much passion for something like this?

you realize how but that’s for later

overtime you two got closer bc of how much your work was associated with him

he’s incredible as a best friend 

he’s the first one with the school’s weekly newsletter as soon as it’s out

granted it’s to read the section about him but yk, the sentiment’s there 

also love, love, loves lazy days with you 

he doesnt even care if the boys know that he worships the chick flicks you two watch 

i feel like oikawa would be an avid anime watcher

idk why i just do 

so he’d be blasting anime theme songs on a speaker as you’re in the shower and he’s in your room waiting for you and you’re both just singing w the sound of water rushing down 

actually it’s not just anime songs it’s all songs 

a l l songs 

anyways

so you two get really close, and then he has a super important match coming up 

let’s say it’s the spring interhigh one against karasuno

the one they won

idk im just choosing at random 

and the night before he’s like begging you on text to wear his jersey

he’s like PLEASE NO ONE’S EVER DONE THAT FOR ME

you’re like bruh u have a cult following ????? 

but eventually u say yes

ur not really sure where it’s coming from but this is oikawa he’s an unpredictable as can be

when you show up in a jersey he so conveniently left at your house once

he’s so genuinely shocked even though he was the one that asked for this???

gives you the biggest hug like spins you around and just 

“you’re my lucky charm” 

when he wins 

after celebrating with his team

he runs over to you

and just

he kisses you

full on the mouth

it’s probably the rush and excitement of winning that gave him the courage to finally spill all his feelings out into this kiss

you’re in his jersey, in the stands and you genuinely feel like it’s only just the two of you

despite how sudden it was the kiss is so gentle, like he’d been planning it since forever 

“i told you you’re my lucky charm” he says as he rests his forehead against yours and kisses you gently again

oikawa had already been affectionate as your best friend

always displaying his love outwardly with like always calling out your name so loud whenever he sees you and giving you bone crushing hugs

deadass his 6’0 self will just jump on you 

but now it’s extra

makki always gags around the two of you but you just stick ur tongue out at him and go “ur just mad ur best friend’s getting some pussy/dick and ur not” 

makki then proceeds to shriek at you like a fucking banshee <3 

anyways 

yes 

oikawa best friends to lovers excellence is so cute eeeekkk

and now u always wear his jersey at games 

(u couldnt make it to the game against karasuno where they lost for whatever reason and he held it against u for the longest time)

(“maybe if a certain someone were there we wouldn’t have lost”)

what a big baby you love him

kuroo tetsurō

AH SEXY CHEMISTRY NERD 👅👅👅

kuroo as ur best friend 

im frothing 

i feel like you’d grow close after meeting at an event or something 

like you’re a friend of a friend of a friend 

i see kuroo as someone who’s so suave and cool and flirty with people he doesn’t have feelings for

but put the crush factor in and he’s a mess

like his brain just stops working

so when he first met you

he thought u were so fucking hot 

but that’s it

his lower body was doing all the thinking <3 

so he was so flirty 

and that’s essentially what your friendship is built off of 

and when friends are so flirty with each other, they generally grow close and trust each other really quickly 

ur not a nekoma student but ur in tokyo so you meet up often 

you just

it’s so nice to be around him

you find it so easy to just be yourself around him 

going out with him is super fun 

and a lot of the times you guys have study dates and you literally don’t talk except during the 10 min breaks you two take

it’s just hyper focus for the two of you which is great

he really channels the best student in you what a man ! 

i think during your third year of high school you two got insanely close

because you were highly unsure if you were gonna leave japan or stay 

so you wanted to make the most out of everything 

so you’d go out with him more often

he’d stay during the weekends and you two would like bake christmas goods all night even if it’s literally september lmfao

cuddling is so natural 

like you’re both so touchy with each other but not in a weird way just a super comfortable kind of way

like if you’re shorter than him, he’s always leaning his arm on you like you’re his arm rest 

it’s a win win bc he gets to touch you and tease you

wow the horny really jumped out in that one

anyways

you go to every single one of his games !!

cheer him on so!! fucking!! loud!!

you probably make a provocative sign and stand a chair and just wave it around and kuroo’s so heart eyes lmfao

the climb up to becoming lovers is so

natural? 

i think kuroo first realizes that maybe, yk, he wants those flirtatious comments to mean something and those random touches to hold more romantic value to them, when you two are out together

it’s a completely chill day and it’s not really warm not really chilly. you’re just comfortable 

he takes you to a park after buying the both of you ice cream from the stand across the street and sits down at a bench with you

just people watching 

and then it kinda goes really silent

but 

it’s not awkward??? like at all???

he’s not looking to fill the silence with any random words

he’s just

enjoying simply being with you

and he glances at you momentarily and it hits him like so hard just how pretty you are 

his eyes slightly widen like

holy fuck

what the f u ck

remember when i said he’s all cool until feelings come into play

yeah 😼

he literally freezes up and blurts out, without even meaning to, “i think i have feelings for you.” 

he really didnt even process he said that

you kinda

pause for a second

and then you realize what you said and you just smile and lean over towards him, lifting your thumb up to the corner of his lips and brushing away some ice cream

“you think?” you tease, and then at the spot where the ice cream was misplaced, you placed a gentle kiss

he kinda relaxes and then eyes you as he says, “i know.” 

it is just. heaven after that

i think the two of you would be less flirty around each other once becoming official 

like yeah he definitely comments once or twice every now and then and don’t get me wrong, so do you

but it’s just less frequent 

like a blanket has been lifted to uncover the true, hidden meanings behind the comments and you can now just breathe easier 

you two end up in the same uni on accident hevejsk

like you had a long ass talk about how it’s okay if you didn’t end up in the same uni you’d still make it work

and it would’ve worked tbh

fate just ships you two too much

when you told each other you were literally that spiderman meme of the two spidermen pointing at each other lmao

power couple of the uni

power couple of tokyo

power couple of japan

you’re literally so happy with him you wouldn’t trade him for the world 

and maybe you saw it coming 

but it still remains a shock whenever you wake up and he’s there laying next to you, smiling lazily at you before reaching over to give you a gentle kiss 

anyways happy early birthday king i love you kuroo hehe

end note; i really had a lotta fun w this one omg!! thank you again for requesting, anon, and i hope everybody else enjoyed!! feel free to request, mwah <3

[bump1nthen1ght]

Thicker than Water (Demon x Reader) Chapter 1

Pairing: Female Reader x Gender Fluid! Demon

Genre: High Fantasy

Warnings: Arm Injuries, Several mentions of blood

Word Count: 1870 Words

Summary: A summoning gone awry ends up in your favor

Chapter 2

A/N: Alright, I know I literally just posted a demon story but this post showed up on my dash and my god if I have never been more inspired to write a fic. I legit wrote this in 2 hours in a frenzy. Also I plan this story to be multi-chap, but still rather short, so maybe 3 parts in total

Before that night, you had never known what nearly-passing out felt like.

Your mother had done it, once or twice, usually after a particularly stressful day at the shop. If you didn’t check on her between your studies she may forget to eat entirely, your father as well. But you had been lucky; Someone had always been there to catch her, to cradle her head and spoon-feed her strength back.

On the forest floor, surrounded by the smell of your own blood, you have no such luxury.

The black spots flickering in your vision blend into the desne canopy above you and your tears only muddle your sight. The iron and copper of the summoning circle drawn around you drown out the scent of fresh pine and grass, while your ears can only focus on your own heartbeat and the bickering of the four boys.

Oh, that’s right, they’re still here.

It seems you had lost more fluid than you realized, probably because of your incessant crying. You had tried to stop the flow, but your brain was losing coherent function with every second. The boys conversation sounds far away and hollow, bouncing off your eardrums and confusing your sense of direction

“You idiot, I told you not to go for the arm!”

“We needed a lot of blood!”

“But she needs to read the ritual dumbass! She can’t if she dies!”

Ah yes, the ritual, it all is flooding back to you now.

Having received a private education from your father at your family’s apothecary, you were already prone to isolation as a child. It didn’t help having no siblings, nor a lacking natural talent for friend-making. Although you had lived in the city all your life, the young people your age knew very little about you, and you them.

You knew they had rumors about you, The daughter the apothecary hides away; That your gaze can turn people to stone, that you can curse and poison people with a couple words and the right ingredients.

The truth was you weren’t so glamorous. You knew your way around a medicine cabinet, sure, but nothing about poisons or magic spells. You didn’t have any special abilities to compensate or explain your reluctance for socialization. Just some overprotective parents and a shy disposition.

So when the handsome postmasters-son began to pay you special visits, you let your guard down. You let him walk you to and from the market, memorizing your weekend route. You let him in for a bit of tea late at night, especially when it seemed so cold, and told him where the spare key was kept. And yes, you even told him about your favorite secluded spot in the forest, where the sounds of civilization were far away, where you could be alone.

And here, in these last moments of your life, you can’t help but feel so naive.

“Hey, hey!”

A boot taps your cheek, shaking you out of your revelry. Your glassy eyes look over to your right.

It’s one of the local merchant’s boys, you think his name is Nicholas? It doesn’t really matter. All you knew about him was that he was a bit rough around the edges; always nicking things from pockets, looking up ladies skirts, and skipping his lessons. That’s what your dad complained about anyway.

A page is shoveled in front of you, dangling over your face. Your eyes take a while, but focus on the words. Nicholas’ boot heel digs into your neck.

“Read it out loud, or we’ll kill you.”

Clearly I’m going to die anyway dumbass, why should I help you?

You might’ve retorted, if you were in such a physical condition to do so. But instead, you do as you're told, and start speaking.

To your left, the postmaster’s son, Richard, sucks in a breath with anticipation. Any false composure he had while luring you here is gone, his feet tapping with excitement as he holds your left arm and lef bound spread eagle.

Holding your right leg is Markus, another merchant boy. He picks at his teeth.

“What are you guys going to wish for?” He whispers. It goes in your ear and out the other, too focused on forming coherent sentences.

“A full-harem of babes, obviously.” Simpers Hunter, the son of a landlord. He isn’t ugly, only a bit plain, and has enough money to boot. Compared to the other bachelors in town however, he has had little luck in procuring a courtship.

“A million coins could get you that and more, idiot. That’s what I’m wishing for.” Whispers Richard.

“What are you going to wish for Nic?” Asks Markus

“Oh my gods, will you guys shut the fuck up?”

Nic snarls, unconsciously digging his heel back into your throat. You choke and stutter, but keep going. The runes around you, written in your own blood, begin to glow.

All of the boy’s eyes widen and they step back from you. Your limbs sink like dead weight as the words begin to flow out your mouth with no thought. The paper with the chant drops to the ground, out of your sight, but it's like your brain has been reprogrammed; You know the rest, know it in your bones.

The grass begins to simmer and burn under the summoning circle, smoke swirling into formation above you. When the final word whispers out of you, you feel your body go lax. You don’t even remember tensing up

I guess this is it. Sorry Mom, Sorry Dad.

You clench your eyes, just hoping the demon will be quick. That it will at least leave a recognizable corpse.

“Holy shit.” You hear muttered, unsure by whom.

Your eyes are closed, body teetering on the brink of unconsciousness, but your senses are still intact. A hot wave of breath washes over your face and the ground below you trembles with heavy footsteps. The boys are quiet but you can hear their hearts pounding. They thrum with life, while yours slowly fades.

“Why have you summoned me, mortal?”

Even half-dead, your muscles tense in fear. The demon's voice is deep and resonates like a crowd talking all at once. It reeks of inhuman power and cracks like thunder.

A brief silence passes, before Nicholas finds his courage.

“We have come to ask for a wish.”

Later, when recounting the story, you will mention that the demon looked over to Nicolas, unamused, despite never seeing it yourself. The demon huffs, the heat of it blowing over you once more.

“I don’t believe I asked you.” The demon mutters. The cacophony of voices blend together into one, bland and emotionless. Even in your state however, you are able to decipher a couple of louder tones which overpower the others. They seem...angry.

“But...you…”

“I asked….”

Your eyes snap open as a wet droplet lands on your cheek. Lingering above you, drool seeping from their unnaturally sharp teeth, is the creature. It’s face resembles that of a goat, but sharp fangs stick out from their lower lips. Their eyes are golden and shine in the night, piercing right into yours. Despite the part of your body screaming out in terror, another part feels oddly….comforted. It’s why you don't startle when they brush a hand against your cheek, their thumb wiping away your tears. Their palm is warm, not like a blistering flame, but like a thick quilt. Like hot chocolate on a rainy day.

“......What do you need of me, little one?”

Their hand, padded and calloused, slides down your arm, closing up the large gash on your inner bicep. In another movement, they do the same to the other. Power and vitality seems to sink back into your body, drip by drip.

Words escape you, but not Nicolas.

“Excuse me, demon, but we're the ones who summoned you.” The sarcastic tone of his does little to hide the quivers of his fear, especially when the demon's neck turns toward him at an unnatural speed. Still, he persists. “Not her. And we want-”

“Do you take me for a blind fool?” The voice bellows, sending all the boys to their knees. Markus clutches his ears while Hunter whimpers on the ground. Nicolas falls back to the ground, eyes widen.  The demon stands to their full height, several feet above all of you. “Do you think I was born without smell, without sense?” The step away from your body, swiping at the ground with their fingers, taking a small bit of your blood with it.

The demon sticks their thumb and forefinger in front of Nicolas’s face, causing him to yelp and fall onto his back. “Is this your blood which forged the connection? Was it your words that spoke me into existence? Was it your body which came to the brink, wrenched open the door and pulled us both through?”

Nicolas, trembling like a leaf, shakes his head no. The demon’s eyes jerk up to the others. “And was it any of these young men?”  

Richard furiously shakes his head, while Hunter stays collapsed on the ground. Markus pushes himself away, hands still clamped around his ears. The demon sneers, before turning and walking back to you.

The demon kneels before propping your upper body up with a gentle touch. A comforting claw rubs your lower back while another paw rubs the tension out of your shoulders.

“Now, mistress, what may you ask of me?”

Your muscles may no longer tire from blood loss, but your mind truly feels like it’s on the brink of breaking. The demon, with fearsome fangs and a soft look, looks to you for an answer.

“I-I…” You mutter as the demon continues to massage your back. They hum.

“Take your time, it is alright. Rituals are difficult, I can only imagine the toll your body feels.” The mass of voices have synchronized, fading from a hundred to a single, harmonious tune. It is cavernously deep, but pleasant. It reminds you of the portly older man who used to read stories aloud every holiday.

You feel your body unconsciously turn towards your captors. Nicholas stays stuck to the ground, the whites of his eyes almost glowing in the darkness. The others have slowly moved to their knees, all terrified with shaky limbs, and look like they might make a run for it. Markus is slowly inching towards Nicholas’ shoulders, trying to lift him up to his senses.

For the first time in your life, a deep, boiling hatred burns your skin.

Cowards. You sneer, with all the malice stored in your reserves.

“I want-I want…” You stumble as the anger bubbles out of your belly. “I want them to hurt. To feel humiliated.” Nails bite into the palm of your hand, letting out blood as you clench knuckles. “I want everyone to know what they’ve done, who they are, every fault they’ve ever been guilty of. I want them alive, but I want them to burn.”

The demon smiles, pulling you in for a hug. You collapse into their embrace, keeping your eyes locked onto the boys, those rats. The demon hums a contented tune as they rub your back.

“As you wish, my master.”

[houseof-harry]

What Happened in Jersey Pt. 3 | G.D.

A/N - YALL! Buckle up, I’ve been working on this part for legit a week and I’m proud of how it came out. It’s a little long, but so much happens so get excited! Let me know what you think! Read Part 2 here!!!

Word Count - 7.6K

Warnings - mentions of smut

***

Recap:

“Don’t freak yourself out, though. He’s a good guy,” Jessie sighs. You rub your hands over your stomach, getting lost in your thoughts. That’s when you remember something very important that you don’t know about Grayson.

“What’s his number?”

“Grayson’s?” Jessie laughs out.

“No, my other baby daddy,” you joke.

“I’ll give it to you and then we’ll head to breakfast?” You sit up and nod.

“Thank god that’s over. Things can only get better from here, right?”

***

The next couple of weeks were pretty nice and uneventful. You got Grayson’s number and, as he said, you texted every day. You’d actually Facetime a lot, too. He says it’s because he wants to see the baby bump once it starts to come in.

You would tell him about your day, related to the pregnancy and not, and he would tell you about his adventures with Ethan and all the things he found doing his research on the internet. He keeps you updated on the fruit or vegetable that’s continuing to grow inside you as the time passes. He tried to find any solution he can to your morning sickness that has persisted. He even sent you a couple care packages with the things you said you craved, but it usually would come too late for you to enjoy. The look of the foods would make you nauseous, but your roommates loved the free treats.

The great part of all of this is that you have a relationship forming with your baby daddy, who will inevitably be in your life forever.

The bad part of all of this is that you are definitely falling for him.

You had a crush on him, and to be quite frank who wouldn’t. This hot guy has not only been talking to you every day, checking in with you and making sure you’re okay, but you’re literally pregnant with his baby. From having hot ass sex in the bathroom at New Year’s.

So it was safe to say you were into him. Which terrified you. Because there was no way he was into you. You were constantly ready for him to just never respond again, or for him to totally drop you and your baby for someone else, someone else with way less baggage. So you would do your best to keep it friendly and push him away whenever you felt like things were getting past friendly. You know, the healthy way to deal with your emotions.

Little to your knowledge, Grayson definitely had it worse than you. A part of him believed this was the universe giving him a huge ass sign that this was his future. You and your baby together were the beginning of your future as a family. But, he also recognizes that he is a hopeless romantic and has done this many times before. However, never with a baby involved and he was terrified of scaring you away. So he would try his best to keep everything friendly. Of course, he always miserably failed.

Your roommates and friends were definitely catching on to what was happening. They knew you were talking to the guy you met over winter break. However, you still managed to keep the news of the pregnancy to yourself. Given, you used bribery as your main mode of keeping their excited minds at bay, but if it works then it works. If they brought up your sickness or any of your other odd behavior, you’d remind them of the free food from the care packages you would give them and if they wanted it to continue, they should be minding their business. A bit harsh, but they wouldn’t let up otherwise.

You managed to get to spring break without anyone asking the big question, and you were grateful for it. You weren’t sure how you’d lie to them.

Your best friend’s house would be a different story. Anna will notice every little change in you that’s happened since you last saw her in December, and you definitely would not be able to come up with a lie to explain it all away. So you decide that as soon as she asks, you’d spill.

That actually went pretty smoothly. She was supportive and excited for you. However, she didn’t trust Grayson one bit and had even found his Instagram (despite you withholding his last name) and showed you his 9 million followers. This made you spiral a bit. Were you ruining his career? Did he have a life in LA he could never leave for your baby? Is he going to bring all these influencers around your baby?

Before you can control your actions, you’re facetiming Grayson.

His bright smile pops up on your screen. “Hey sweet girl, what’s up?” Every time he calls you that it makes you feel warm inside. It terrifies you because you don’t want to get to attached to him when you’re just friends. Who are having a baby together. Just friends who are having a baby together.

When he notices your furrowed brow and your lack of a smile, his happiness vanishes and is replaced with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Anna showed me your Instagram,” you mumble. You’re almost embarrassed. You sound like a child. You instantly regret calling him.

“Anna did what?” He brings the phone closer to him so he can hear better.

“Anna found your Instagram and showed it to me.” “Oh.” You nod. “What…what did you think? Pretty douchy?” This makes you giggle as you shake your head. He lets out a breath once he sees your small smile.

“No. Just a lot of followers and stuff. I didn’t know you guys were that well known or anything.”

He coughs awkwardly and nods. “Uh, yeah. Is that okay?”

You sigh and frown. Your intention was never to make him feel bad about it.

“Of course. It’s your job, and your passion. I love watching you edit and stuff. You never have to be scared of what I think, I’ll always support you. Just intimidates me a bit, knowing that eventually 9 million people are going to be involved in my life.”

“We will do everything we can to keep you and our strawberry safe and off social media for as long as you want. Ethan already knows that’s the plan too and we’ve been filming some random videos for if we are ever out of commission for a little while for you guys.”

Thinks makes you smile while your features soften. You bite your lip, deciding on whether or not you should share all of your concerns.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Grayson has gotten really good at reading you, even over the phone. You’d like to think it’s the emotions of the pregnancy that give you away, but he’ll catch you even when you think you’re hiding it well.

“I dunno.” You shrug and look away, bringing your knees to your body.

“Liar. Come on, what’s going on? I can’t help make you feel better if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Your bottom lip quivers as you try your best to stop the tears from clouding your vision. He was always so nice to you, and it made you wanna cry every time.

“I don’t know. It just got me thinking about how your life is in LA and eventually you’ll meet someone out there and then I’ll be here just figuring things out alone. I don’t know, scares me sometimes to think about it.” You refuse to look at him while you speak and you’re met with silence at first.

“Y/N, why are you always waiting for something to go wrong? I’m dedicated to our baby for the rest of forever, and I’m dedicated to you too,” he sighs. He looks like he’s about to say something else but decides against it.

“Sorry. It’s hard for me to trust people easily. Not that you’ve done anything wrong, you’ve actually done everything you could. I just-“ you bite your lip, hesitant to continue. Maybe you shouldn’t be loading your trauma onto him right before bed.

“Hey, I get it. It’s okay. Every time you’re scared of any of that, remember you’re not in it alone and we’re going to do everything together, good and bad. Plus, we get to finally see each other again in a couple of days. And, we get to see baby on the screen.” He smiles, rubbing his chest. His reminder makes you wipe under your eyes as you nod. “Plus, I’ve planned a day in the city for us and Ethan to do some fun shit.  It’s gonna be a good week, sweet girl. Can I see your smile?” This instantly makes you smile and he can’t stop cheesing either.  “It’s late there. You should be sleeping. Are you good to sleep? Or do you wanna stay on the phone a bit longer?”

You look at the clock and see it’s 1 am. Your eyes widen as you take a big breath in. “Uh, yeah I should go to bed. You don’t have to stay on with me, I’m sure you’ve got stuff to do.” You start to get under your covers, laying back.

“I’m gonna get in bed, too. We can stay on for a bit until you fall asleep. Gotta rest up for our strawberry.”

You breathe deeply through your nose to calm your emotions before agreeing. Maybe having his presence there, even over the phone, will make you feel better.

You get under your covers and settle in, putting your phone on the pillow next to you. It was nice hearing his breathing, and you closed your eyes.

“Thank you,” you mumble, barely audible. You assume he doesn’t even hear it. Hell, he might be asleep already.

“Anything for my sweet girl.” You hear him breathe out.

Your body instantly relaxes, and you’re finally able to fall asleep.

***

Wednesday quickly rolls around and before you know it, you’re on the road to your appointment.

Grayson would be meeting you at the office. You had sent him the address yesterday after his flight got in. You felt bad for having a morning appointment because he’s three hours behind coming from California on top of the fact that he had a farther drive. That was the only appointment you could get for that week, though.

You get a call from him when you’re five minutes away.

“Hey Gray.” You know you sound nervous, but you hope he ignores it.

“Hey. I’m here. Want me to wait in the parking lot or should I go in?” You can hear the roughness of his voice, he must be exhausted.

“Uh, wait in the parking lot. It’s a big building, kinda hard to navigate. I’m only five minutes away.”

“Perfect, I’m in the orange truck. See you soon”

You smile, but remember he can’t see you. “Okay, see you soon.” You hang up and the butterflies instantly begin in your tummy.

The last time you were with Grayson in person he was making you pregnant. You hoped that the last month and a half of talking will make it easy to be in person with him, but you never know. What if it’s awkward and uncomfortable?

You pull into the parking lot and you see his truck instantly. Not many people have orange pickups in your area. Or in general, you’d assume. You pull into the spot next to his passenger side door. He looks up when your car pulls in, and his bright smile is painted across his face. He’s jumping out of his car before you’ve even stopped yours. You grab your purse and get out, closing the door and looking up. He’s antsy on his feet waiting at the back of the cars for you to walk to him.

“Hi sweet girl.” He opens his arms as you walk towards him and you allow your body to collide with his. His arms are around you in an instant and you hold him close to you by his torso. It feels like the world has stopped. He smells clean and fresh, just like he did the last time and it overwhelms your senses.

He rubs your back, not moving away from you and you definitely don’t complain. Hugging him has made you feel calmer than you had felt since you first found out you were pregnant. He was a safe haven while the rest of the world continued to go on.

Eventually, you turn your head to look up at him, keeping him in your arms, your chin resting on his chest with a wide smile plastered on your face. “Hey.”

“How are you feeling? Excited?” He smooths one of his hands over your hair before cupping your cheek.

You nod. “Yeah. It’ll be the first appointment where I can hear the heartbeat. I’m just excited to see our baby.”

He smiles. “Our baby, yeah. God, it’s so good to be here with you. Good to hold you.” He squats down and holds your stomach, his face coming close to your slightly pudgy belly. Your hands rest on his shoulders while your cheeks heat up.

“Hi, baby. It’s nice to finally meet you. Thanks for watching out for your mama, she doesn’t actually like being alone as much as she says she does.” You laugh at this, rubbing your hand over the spot he’s talking to.

“We need to go in if we wanna be on time.” You grab his wrists and pull him back up. He puts a hand on your lower back as you start to walk.

You make it into the building, check in, and are called back. The nurse gets everything she needs from you and leaves you and Grayson alone in the exam room.

He’s pacing around as you sit on the exam table, refusing to look.

“What’s up?” You interrupt his thoughts, a concerned look on your face.

“Huh? Oh. It’s just crazy that I’m meeting our baby for the first time today. Really wild. In a good way though.” He smiles and walks next to you. Before you can respond, there’s a knock and then your doctor is walking in.

“Hey, Y/N.” He smiles at you.

“Hi Dr. Jordan.” You wave.

“And you must be the father. Dr. Jordan, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He holds his hand out to Grayson and he shakes it.

“Grayson,” is all he says.

“So, we’re having a baby?” His smile widens as you and Grayson both nod back.

“Yeah, we are,” you respond.

“Let’s cut to the chase then and check up on ‘em. How does that sound?” He moves around, getting the ultrasound machine ready to go.

“Really good.” You smile at Grayson and he gives you a small one back. You can see he’s really nervous, so once you lay back and lift your shirt to just below your boobs, you’re grabbing his hand in yours. This appears to ground him a bit as he starts breathing normally again.

The doctor moves your pants down a bit so they’re out of the way before grabbing the gel.

“It’s going to be a bit cold.” You nod and gasp when the gel hits your skin, gripping Grayson a bit harder, a shiver running up your spine. Grayson squeezes you back and you look at him. He’s watching the screen as the doctor moves the wand around.

Dr. Jordan is quiet for a little while you watch him. All of a sudden, you hear a thumping from the machine and Dr. Jordan smiles.

“That’s a heartbeat, guys.” Your free hand goes over your heart, your eyes filling with tears. Grayson looks close to crying too. He lifts your hand to kiss the back of it.

“Baby looks nice and healthy, growing at the right rate. Y/N, I’m gonna ask you to get a blood draw and to leave a urine sample, but otherwise you guys are good to go. Any questions?” Dr. Jordan asks while he wipes the gel off your stomach.

You and Grayson both look at each other, tears still threatening to spill and smiles on your face. You shake your head, unwillingly looking away and back at Dr. Jordan. “No, I think we’re good.”

Dr. Jordan smiles at the both of you. “Sounds good. Call us if you ever have any questions, okay? And congratulations, I’m excited for you both.” He stands and leaves.

You let go of Grayson’s hand to sit up and adjust your clothes. He continues to stand there just watching you. When you hop off and look up at him, a tear has rolled down his cheek.

“Are you okay?” Your brows pull together in concern and you grab his biceps lightly, rubbing up and down. This seems to snap him out of his trance a bit.

“Uh, yeah. That was just really incredible. We met our baby today. You’re growing our baby in here,” he puts both hands on your stomach and you giggle.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Thank you.” He looks so sincerely into your eyes, making you blush.

“You ready to go?” You ask, walking away from him to grab your purse. This man is way too powerful to be making you feel a certain type of way. You are two friends having a baby. A friend baby.

He looks a bit hurt for a moment but quickly recovers. “Uh, yeah.” He walks to the door and opens it for you.

You get your tests all done and figured out, and schedule your next appointment for around Easter so that you’d have an excuse to be home from school. Before you know it, you and Grayson are walking out of the doctor’s office. He’s got an arm around your shoulder as you approach your cars.

“Can I bring you and strawberry to lunch? I don’t wanna leave you guys yet,” he says sheepishly, almost like he was nervous to ask you.

“Sure,” you smile up at him and wrap your arm around his waist. He lets out a breath of air he had been holding in and relaxes a bit.

“Cool. I’ll drive us and bring you back here after. Don’t need you woozy behind the wheel after your blood draw.” He rubs your shoulder.

“How is it that we are literally having a baby together and you somehow treat me like I’m the baby?” You laugh.

“One day you’ll let me take care of you,” he chuckles, shaking his head as you part ways to get into his truck.

You get into the passenger seat, buckling in. You were floating on cloud nine, it felt like you and Grayson were actually a little family.

Your thoughts are interrupted when he gets into his seat and adjusts.

“Can I ask you something?” He asks while he buckles.

“Of course.”

“Do you think we could, like, record a little video update or something?” You raise your brows, a bit confused.

“Of what?”

“Just like our thoughts and reactions and stuff. I was thinking I could put a video together at the end of all this for us and our baby when we’re all older and wanna remember. It wouldn’t go on YouTube or anything, not unless you wanted it to. And you probably don’t know a better video editor to do this project,” he bites his lip and raises his eyebrows while trying to gauge your reaction.

Your eyes are suddenly filled with tears again, thinking about how much Grayson really loves this baby. You nod and wipe under your eyes. “Yeah, that’d be cute,” you squeak out, not trying to let on how affected you are buy his words.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He moves his hand to rub your thigh. “Only good things, sweet girl.”

You nod and laugh. “I know. Everything makes me cry now.” You sniffle and breath in, collecting yourself a bit. “I’m ready, let’s do it.”

He reaches into his pocket and brings his phone out, holding it up so that you’re both in the frame. He starts to record and you watch the both of you on the screen. “Hello to whoever is lucky enough to be shown this video.” This makes you giggle, and he smiles. “We just got out of our first appointment together and saw our little baby for the first time.” He instinctively puts his hand on your stomach and your hand goes on top of his. “If you’re our precious baby watching this, we are so excited to meet you. Your mama and I already love you so much.” This makes you squeeze his hand and he looks over to you. “Anything you wanna say?”

“I dunno. What do you think I should say?” You giggle, your cheeks flushing when you meet his eyes.

“Anything you’ll wanna remember in a couple years. I know it’s weird talking to a camera at first, but I’ll cut this all out.” His gaze is kind and patient while you think of what you want to say.

“It’s still so surreal that I’m even pregnant, but hearing our baby’s heartbeat today has made me so grateful I’m able to be in this position. I’ve been so excited to be a mom my whole life, so if you’re my beautiful baby watching, thank you for making my dreams come true.” You smile at the camera and Grayson keeps his eyes on you. You look to him expectantly.

He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts before turning to look at the camera.

“We’re about to go feed mama and baby now, as long as they’re feeling good of course. If baby is watching this still, thank your mom for all she went through for you when she was growing you, she’s working hard,” he chuckles and you laugh.

“I’m feeling good right now. Want a turkey BLT, actually.”

“What the woman wants, she gets. We’ll see you whenever the next exciting thing happens.” He turns the recording off and puts his phone away, starting the car.

“That’s gonna be really cute,” you sigh, the smile still sitting on your face.

“Yeah, I think it’ll be nice to have when we want to look back on all of this,” he pauses. “Do you know somewhere nearby with good sandwiches?”

“Yeah, there’s a deli like five minutes from here.”

You and Grayson head to the deli and have a nice lunch. Well, you do. Grayson eats a plain roll and pickles because all of the sandwiches had meat on them. You felt really bad, but he assured you it was okay because your little strawberry was craving a BLT.

Once you finish your sandwich, you notice he’s kind of zoned out.

“Grayson?” You look at him, folding your trash up while he just stares at you.

“Come stay with me for the rest of your break,” he blurts out all of a sudden. Your eyes widen.

“What?”

“Come stay for the next few days. We’re not going to get a lot of time together until you’re already halfway through everything.”

You start laughing awkwardly. “Grayson, I can’t just live with your family for a few days, they don’t know me. We don’t really know each other. Wouldn’t that be weird?”

He opens his mouth to rebuttal, but closes it again to think for a moment.

“It’s okay, Grayson. We don’t have to act like any of this is normal, we don’t have to force anything. Everything you’ve done for me has really been for strawberry. Don’t feel like you have any obligation to me.”

Grayson looks a bit hurt by your words, but nods. “Ready to go?” He stands up.

You sigh and nod, getting up with him. You throw your trash out and walk out with him. His hand doesn’t reach for you.

When you’re both settled back into his car, he sighs out your name so that you’ll look at him.

“I know this is all weird and stuff, but we’re going to have to be friends to raise this baby together. And my friends have come to stay with me at this house before. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. Nine months isn’t a long time to start, never mind the fact that we won’t really see each other until you graduate, and I want us to be in the best place possible for our baby.” He starts the car, not looking at you while he finishes speaking.

“I’m sorry I got weird. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything for me.” You cross your arms, trying to shrink into the cushions of your seat.

“You’re right, technically I don’t. But I’m not a piece of shit and I plan on being a good dad. Plus, any friend of Jessie’s is a friend of mine, so even if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, we still would have hung out whenever you were in Jersey. I do what I want, and this is what I want to do.” He stops at a red light and looks at you for a second to see a pout on your lips. “And I hate being the reason you don’t smile. So, if you wanna, come stay with me for the next few days let’s do it, but if that makes you uncomfortable you should stay with Anna. We’re in the same boat, we both don’t have do anything we don’t want to.”

You sit there silently, pondering for a moment. A part of you dwells on the fact that he said you guys are friends, but friends don’t have other friend’s babies and then have them stay at their house with their family. The other part of you wants to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy your time with him before he moves on to start a life with someone for real.

“I’ll come,” you mumble. It almost surprises you more than Grayson that that’s your answer. You’re gonna blame the hormones for making you so impulsive.

“Okay.” His smile grows across his face. “Do you wanna come tomorrow morning so that you can have one more night with Anna?”

“Yeah, they’re gonna want to have dinner with me tonight if I’m not going to see them for a while.”

You guys pull back into the doctor’s office parking lot and he brings you back to your car. He parks and turns to you.

“I’m really excited to spend time with you, Y/N. Besides the fact you’re pregnant with my kid, you’re pretty funny sometimes,” he laughs. You scoff jokingly, biting your lip as you look at him.

“Sometimes? Well I think your jokes are cheesy.”

“Oh, do you now? Is that why you laugh every time?”

“Shut up,” you laugh with him, unbuckling your seatbelt.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? And don’t freak yourself out about meeting my mom, she’s excited to meet you. She’s really excited to meet the amazing woman giving her a grandchild.”

Your eyes widen a bit. “I forgot I was going to meet her. Now I’m more freaked out than before.” You wondered how you’d even introduce yourself to her. Hi I’m Y/N, your son and I hooked up literally once and are now having a baby.

“Hey, get out of your head, sweet girl. I told you, she’s excited. You’ll get along well, anyways. You’re pretty similar people.” He leans over to rub your thigh.

“Okay, I trust you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You squeeze his hand and open the door to get out. You turn to close the door and it looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t. You wave and shut the door before getting back in your car.

What the hell did you get yourself into?

***

Grayson walks back into his house, almost body slamming Ethan by accident.

“Dude, watch out. Were you sitting here waiting for me the whole time?” He jokes, an annoyed Ethan rubbing his chest where Grayson’s shoulder hit him.

“No, stupid. I was going to take the quad for a ride. How’d the appointment go?” He watches Grayson put his keys down.

“Good. We heard the heartbeat and stuff, everyone’s healthy.” Grayson smiles to himself just thinking about it.

“It took, like, three hours for the doctor just to tell you that? Ma and I were scared something bad happened.”

“Nah, I took Y/N to lunch after because she really wanted a sandwich and it’s usually hard for her to even eat anything that early.”

“Oh, a date?” Ethan raises his brow as Grayson turns to him. Grayson rolls his eyes.

“No. A ‘you’re pregnant with my baby thanks for growing it’ lunch.”

“Yeah, okay. You’re gonna lie and tell me you’re not already in love with her or some shit?”

“E,” Grayson groans.

“No dude, you have to be careful. She’s going to be a part of your life forever now. Don’t fuck it up by falling too fast and then moving on. She’s not one of your ‘soulmates.’ She’s the mother of your kid. Just be smart.” Ethan opens the door and goes outside.

Grayson stands there for a minute, considering what Ethan said. He’s right, he can’t get caught up in any feelings he has for you because whatever relationship you have, it has to last forever. He knows he has the tendency to fall fast and then move on fast, too. He can’t do that with you.

***

You say your goodbye’s to Anna and her family before you head off to Jersey. You decide to call Grayson instead of texting him to let him know you’ve left. He picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hey, what’s up? Everything okay?”

This makes you laugh. “Yeah, the only time something is wrong is when I call you and something is wrong is at night. I just wanted to let you know I left so I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Oh, good. Okay. Can I make any breakfast for you?”

“Absolutely not. Can’t eat right now.”

“I’m sorry.” He pauses. “I’m gonna go to the store right now, tell me what you need.” You hear him shuffle around on the other end.

“What I need? Nothing,” you giggle.

“Oh my god my baby mama doesn’t even use shampoo I think I’m the one who has morning sickness now,” you hear him fake gag which makes you laugh harder.

“Grayson, I’ve got little toiletries and stuff. I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want you to be fine, I want you to be comfortable. Now tell me what I’m buying you because I’m already in the car.”

You list off all the products you use, the snacks have been your favorites, and he even says he’s going to get facemasks for you all to do.

When you pull into the long driveway, the butterflies erupt in your stomach. You had absolutely no clue how this would go, but there was no turning back now. You couldn’t, the driveway was too narrow to do that.

You reach the house and pull up next to the other cars in the driveway. You see Grayson sitting on the porch, which makes you laugh.

You turn the car off and go to gather your things when you hear your door open. You turn and see a giddy Grayson standing there.

“Hey.”

You laugh. “Hi there.”

“Where’s your stuff?”

“My bag is in the back seat.” He moves to grab your bag as you get your purse and hop out of the car, closing your door. He does the same once he’s got your bag on his shoulder.

“Welcome to the humble abode,” he says as he leads you by putting his hand on your back. You walk to the door and he opens it, letting you step in first.

“It is so nice in here.”

“My mom is super into décor and stuff. Wanna see where you’re staying?” You nod and he leads you to a closed door. When you look inside you see a bed next to… the washing and drier machine? You give him a questioning look.

“So we don’t have a guest room and I moved my bed into here because Ethan is annoying and I can’t share a room with him anymore. I’ll sleep on the couch.” You nod, walking inside. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not ideal. Ethan and I are gonna look for our own place when we’re back for the summer.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve slept in way worse place,” you giggle and he raises his brow.

“Alright, won’t ask. Ethan’s been low key dying to see you, even if he won’t admit it. He’s excited to meet his little niece or nephew.”

“Well I can’t deny him of that, can I? Where is he?”

Grayson leads you out into the main area. Ethan’s sitting at the dining table on his computer when he looks up and sees you. He’s immediately jumping up out of his seat.

“Y/N!” He runs over, but is stopped short by Grayson’s hand on his chest.

“Chill, bro. She’s pregnant. Don’t tackle her.”

Ethan rolls his eyes, ignoring him and keeping eye contact with you. “Hi.”

“Hi,” you giggle. He looks at you expectantly. You’re fully laughing now as you grab his hand and put it on your stomach. He’s falling to his knees instantly, his other hand going to the other side of your tummy.

“Hey baby. I know you don’t have ears or anything yet, but this is Uncle E talking to you. You have a whole bunch of people out here waiting for your arrival, but I’m definitely the most excited.” Grayson slaps the back of his head. “Ow. Okay, most excited besides your parents. I’ll be the cool uncle and all that.” He stands back up, looking at you again. “Sorry. Hi, how are you?” He laughs.

“I’m good, how are you?” You giggle.

“Good, yeah,” he nods. You all just stand there for a second looking at one another.

“Okay, we’re getting all the awkward out now because I refuse to be treated like the random hookup who got pregnant. Okay?” You look at the both of them and they look a bit surprised by your boldness. “Sorry, I’ve lost the little filter I had before.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Awkward is all gone now. Let’s give you a tour.” Ethan puts an arm around your shoulder and brings you into the kitchen, leaving Grayson where he’s standing. He follows behind you, his hands in his pockets while he watches the both of you interact.

You and Ethan get along really well. After your initial moment, it seems like you’d actually be really good friends. You felt bad for not talking to him more over winter break.

Grayson is not a huge fan. He’s sitting on the sidelines watching you talk and laugh while Ethan tells you all about the new video they’re editing right now. Before Grayson can cut in, Lisa walks in.

She smiles. “You must be Y/N.”

You stand from your chair, giving a soft smile as you wipe your sweaty hands on your leggings. “Hi, Mrs. Dolan. It’s really nice to meet you.” You hold your hand out to her and she laughs, pulling you into a hug.

“Honey, call me Lisa.” She rubs your back before pulling away and holding your elbows to look you in the eyes. “How’re you feeling?”

“Good!”

“Really? That’s good! These two put me through hell when I was pregnant with them. Can I get you anything?” You shake your head.

“No, I’m okay for now.”

“Just trying not to puke?” You laugh and nod. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“I’d know that face anywhere. Your first trimester is almost over, so you should be feeling better soon. Let me know if you need anything, okay?” She squeezes your arms before stepping back.

“Of course. Thank you for letting me stay.”

“This home is as much yours as it is Grayson’s now. You’re welcome here any time.” You smile and nod.

“Alright, you’re all gonna scare her away. Y/N, come see upstairs?” Grayson interjects and a part of you is relieved. Even though things were going really well, you were still on edge. You nod and go to follow him upstairs.

“I’m sorry about that, they just want you to feel comfortable here.” He leads you into a bathroom and shuts the door, making you laugh. “What?”

“The last time we were in this situation I got pregnant.” He starts laughing with you and you let your hand fall onto his shoulder.

Once you calm down, you smile widely at him. “They’re good people. Nice people. I’m sorry if I seem rude or off, I was just so anxious.”

He nods and pulls you into a hug, rubbing your back. You melt into him snuggling into his warm chest.

“It’s okay, they definitely understand. Plus, you didn’t seem anything but positive and happy. I couldn’t even tell you were trying not to puke.” You can feel his laugh rumble up through his chest.

“I’m still trying not to,” you laugh with him and he pulls back holding your shoulders to inspect your face. “I’m not gonna. Probably.” He raises his eyebrow. “Okay, if I do I’ll tell you so you can leave.” His face falls at that.

“No, I’ll sit with you and rub your back and all that. Get you water and stuff.” You’re shaking your head immediately.

“I hate puking in front of people. It’s okay, I’ve been doing it for weeks now. I’ve got a routine.” He pouts and pulls you back into a hug.

“I’m sorry. Please tell me if I can do literally anything for you.”

“You do enough, Gray. Don’t worry about it,” you mumble into his chest.

“What do you usually do to feel better?”

“Anything to distract myself. I just need to not think about it.”

“Challenge accepted.” He removes himself completely from you, opening the door. “Let’s go.”

The rest of the day with the Dolans is great. Grayson was right, you and Lisa are very similar and get along almost as well as you and Ethan do. You’re grateful they’re being so kind to you. Grayson is happy you’re getting along with his family, but it also makes him feel something he hasn’t felt in a while. Jealousy. He doesn’t want to admit that he likes having all of your attention, but he can’t act like he doesn’t want it all the time. When you’re on the phone with him, you’re usually alone. He liked when he got to hear about your day and then he got to open up to you. What can he say, he’s a selfish man.

That’s why when the night is winding down, he asks his family if you guys can watch a movie alone. Lisa goes up to her room for the night, but Ethan isn’t so kind at first.

“What, you don’t want me to crash your date?” He sits beside you on the couch where you’re right next to Grayson. Your cheeks blush and Grayson rolls his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up, E. Go away, you’ve harassed her all day.”

You open your mouth to say something but Ethan beats you to it.

“What if she likes spending time with me? After all, I am the better twin.”

“Bro if you don’t stop talking, I’ll fucking hit you.” “Yeah Gray? Doubt it. Y/N, I don’t blame you for-“ Ethan can’t finish his sentence before Grayson is up and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt to get him to stand up.

“Out. Now.” Ethan holds his hands up in mock surrender as he backs away.

“Fine. I’m out. But, you know. Have a good date. Use protection.” He laughs as he walks up the stairs. You chuckle as Grayson huffs and plops down next to you.

“I fucking hate him sometimes. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, that shit was kind of funny.”

Grayson settles in, remote in one hand and your thigh in the other. “What do you wanna watch?”

“Anything’s fine, I’m pretty tired anyways.” He nods and puts on Someone Great. You’d already seen it, but you didn’t say anything. You’d probably be asleep within ten minutes, anyway.

You were right. You don’t even remember seeing the first five minutes of the movie. You’re slumped on Grayson’s shoulder, snoring softly.

Grayson does everything in his power not to move, not wanting to disturb you. He thought you were cute when you slept.

You’re woken up when you feel Grayson shifting underneath you. You’d moved to be half on top of him in your sleep. You decide to ignore it, hoping you’d just fall back asleep. But, he’s moving under you again.

“Gray?” You mumble, barely audible.

“Sorry, sweet girl. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. Stop moving.”

“Yeah, okay.” He puts his hands on your torso, shifting you a bit before he stills. That’s when you realize what you hear. There are moans coming from the tv. You open one eye, looking at the screen and sure enough they’re having sex. You giggle a bit.

“Hmm?” Grayson hums, running a hand over your back.

“Did the sex scene make you uncomfy?” This makes him laugh, shaking your body with his.

“No. Not uncomfy.” You suck in a breath at the implication of his words. You think back to what Anna said. Pregnant sex would probably be really hot. But you have no idea if he’d even be interested in that.

“Missing your girls from LA?” You’re asking before you can control your tongue. Your eyes widen as you realize what you’ve said. You might just chop your tongue off completely.

“What?”

“Nothing, was a joke. Let me sleep.” You breathe out, hoping he didn’t hear you.

“Y/N.” He pats your back and then pushing your shoulder to roll you over. He grabs your chin so you have to look at him. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you were missing your LA girls. It was a joke, because of the whole sex scene. Didn’t mean anything by it.” His face looks stone cold, like you’ve made him mad. “I’m sorry.”

“There are no LA girls,” he huffs, rolling his eyes. You raise your eyebrows. “What, do you think I’m a fuck boy or some shit?”

“Well, kinda.”

He looks genuinely shocked at your words, shaking his head. “Y/N, no. Hell no. Even if I was before, not now. There’s no LA girls, and there never have been.” He crosses his arms, completely retracting from you. You sit up.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I know it’s a shitty assumption, but I mean what were we doing? I just thought you did that with everyone.”

He bites his lip, thinking carefully about what he wants to say next.

“I know what we did was only once, but I thought you were a good person. After we left, I kinda looked forward to when I’d see you over the summer whenever Jessie would bring you around. I don’t know what I was thinking or expecting, but it wasn’t a one and done deal. Ethan just really didn’t feel good that morning and made me leave before I could see you.”

You nod, taking this new information in. Of all the things he was going to say, you didn’t expect that. Although, he seems to always be filled with surprises.

“I’m sorry. It was a stupid comment, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Have there been any college guys?” He raises a brow.

“What? No. Even if I didn’t feel like a chubby marshmallow or some shit, no. I was…affected by our night together. And not just in the pregnant way.” You lean back next to him, mirror his posture.

“Oh, so you couldn’t stop thinking about my dick?” He smirks at you. You hit his arm and laugh.

“Shut up, that makes it sound so…dirty.”

“If it’s not dirty, then how were you thinking about it?”

“I don’t know. Just knew no one would really meet my expectations like you did.” Your voice is getting quieter and quieter as you feel like you want the couch to swallow you up.

“Yeah? How so?”

“You’re the first guy to make me finish.”

He gasps. “Y/N, no. Liar.”

You shake your head slowly, biting your lip.

“Wow. First guy to make you cum, first guy to impregnate you. I’m on a roll.” He puts his arm around your shoulder as you laugh.

“Oh god, I’m feeding his ego more and more.” You throw your arms up in defeat and he laughs.

“Well, the thought of you getting off to the thought of me this whole time definitely feeds my ego.”

Your cheeks blush as you roll your eyes. “Shut up.”

He laughs harder, pulling you closer to his body. “Nothing to be ashamed of, baby. Your hormones are raging. I’ve heard through the grapevine that pregnant women are horny all the time.”

“The grapevine? Who’s that?” “…Movies.”

“Alright well if you’ve got no LA girls, then you’ve been jerking off to the thought of me, too so I don’t appreciate the mockery.” You finally look at him, pointing your finger at him.

He bites his lips, his cheeks also becoming a dark shade of red. “You’ve caught me red handed.”

You giggle and poke his cheek. “That’s what I thought. Bet your fantasy is all ruined now that I’m getting bigger, though.”

He looks at you genuinely confused. “What?” You look at him with the same look of confusion. “Pregnancy isn’t sexy.”

He laughs. Like genuine, whole hearted laughter. “What are you talking about?” “What are you talking about?” You fire back.

“The fact that you’re pregnant with my baby is the hottest shit ever. I did that shit. We did that shit. It’s hot.”

“We can agree to disagree, then.”

So much for trying to keep things simple, Grayson thinks to himself.

“Let me prove it.”

***

Read the next part here

[littlespoonevan]

hiii! I really hope I'm not bothering you but... are you taking prompts? 👀 cause I love your fics and this is kinda your fault because I read your post about 9x06 lol but now I can't stop thinking about I&M having a *real talk* like... "I'm sorry I let you go" 🥺?

Sorry it took me a while to get to this - my ao3 fics kept me quite busy the past few weeks! okay so i’ve written about the aftermath of 9x06 quite a few times but never an actual, full “talk about everything” conversation in its entirety so i decided to give it a whirl here! 

for the record i 100% believe they had a conversation like this within the first week, if not 24 hours, of being in the cell together and find it absolutely preposterous john wells tried to act like they hadn’t in 10x03 and then again in 10x08 bc all ian wanted to do legit all season was talk things through and that didn’t come from nowhere but ANYWAY, they’ve got a lot of things to sort through but i did my best to cover as much as i could!

I hope you like it <3

*

The lights have been out for five minutes and Ian just about manages to stay in his bunk long enough for the guard to do his final check of their cell before he’s swinging himself down from his bed to crawl in next to Mickey.

He’s met with kisses and a muffled laugh into his mouth and fuck, he never thought he’d get to do this again. He allows himself to get lost in Mickey’s body for a few minutes, trading hungry kisses while their hands roam wherever either of them can reach, like they’re trying to commit one another’s skin to memory again – not that Ian has any intention of letting Mickey go this time.

He’s been itching to touch Mickey like this all day – they’d managed a hurried, flustered mutual reunion handjob before but they couldn’t risk anything more. Even that had been reckless but he’s pretty sure he lost any and all sense the second Mickey walked through the door of his cell.

He wants more now, wants Mickey whatever way he can have him, but a thought makes him pause and as soon as he thinks it he can’t stop thinking about it.

Is this supposed to be reunion sex or make-up sex?

Ian had done a lot of soul-searching and self-reflection after he’d left Mickey at the border and he just- he wants to talk about it. He doesn’t want them to jump straight into everything again and let their issues fester like they used to. Sex has never been a problem for them, communication on the other hand…

Mickey must notice he’s slowed down because he leans back, a confused smile on his face. “What?”

Ian looks at him and feels nothing but an all-consuming, addictive kind of love envelope him. He loves Mickey so fucking much – he hadn’t been able to stop even when he wanted to – he’s not going to hurt him again. But that means he needs to do this right. “Do you think we should talk first?” he asks uncertainly.

They’d both sort of agreed earlier that they would talk eventually when they’d been catching up and found themselves naturally slipping into deeper territory. They’d said they could worry about it later. But well, it’s later now.

Mickey appraises him for a moment and Ian tries not to panic when he notices his expression shutter the tiniest bit. Cradling Mickey’s jaw, he runs a thumb across his cheek. “Mick, I wanna do this right this time. We should talk about it.”

Mickey’s expression softens somewhat at that. “Talk about what?”

Ian blows out a breath. “Everything, I guess?”

He’s not sure they ever really talked out their issues in the past. He thinks they would’ve when Mickey brought him back home after he took off for the army. But Ian had already been halfway to manic by then and hadn’t exactly been in the most rational frame of mind to discuss the deep shit.

Mickey shifts onto his back, still keeping one arm around Ian, and Ian fits himself against Mickey’s side, head half on the pillow, half on Mickey’s shoulder.

“Well, if we’re talking about everything,” Mickey starts, rolling his head to the side and meeting Ian’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

And that’s- what?

“What the fuck are you sorry for?” Ian asks with a frown – he’s pretty sure he’s the one with a laundry list of apologies to make here.

Mickey huffs out a laugh but it sounds sad. “Jesus, Ian. Did you just block out the first year and a half of our relationship?” He averts his gaze for a second before looking back to Ian with renewed determination. “I’m sorry for all the times I pushed you away or pretended this didn’t mean anything or ended it because I got scared or hit you- fuck-“

“Mickey,” Ian says, cutting him off with a hand on Mickey’s chest. “You think I resent you for any of that?” he says, words quietly disbelieving. “Or that I don’t get why you acted the way you did? Yeah, sure, it fucking hurt at the time but I’m pretty sure you made up for it a thousand times over with everything that came afterwards.”

When I almost burned our relationship to the ground, he thinks, and all you did was try to love me.

Mickey glances away again, looking more bashful this time. “It still doesn’t make it okay.”

“Yeah, well if it wasn’t already clear, I forgive you,” Ian tells him, feeling his mouth tick up at the edges when Mickey starts to smile at him. And he can’t help leaning to brush their lips together – just once before he allows himself to get side-tracked.

It’s his turn now.

“While we’re doling out apologies,” he starts, feeling shame burn through him. Even thinking about half the shit he’s done makes him question how the fuck Mickey’s still here. “I’m so fucking sorry, Mick. Jesus. For all of it.”

Mickey stares at him with something vulnerable in his eyes and Ian wonders if anyone’s ever actually apologised to Mickey for hurting him before. That thought alone is enough for him to keep going.

“I’m sorry for giving you an ultimatum after the wedding. I was just- fuck, I was at breaking point, y’know? I know what happened that day with Terry was a million times worse for you-“

Mickey tenses at that and Ian thinks they’re going to talk about a lot tonight but they probably won’t talk about that. Some scars just run too fucking deep.

“I always wondered,” Mickey interrupts quietly, staring at Ian’s hand on his chest instead of Ian himself. “If that day was your trigger or whatever.”

Ian’s wondered it too, has considered bringing it up whenever he does go to therapy countless times, but he can never make himself say it out loud.

“It might’ve been,” he says slowly. “But if it was that’s Terry’s fault, not yours.”

Mickey nods absently and Ian shifts forward until he can press his forehead to Mickey’s temple. “None of it was our fault, Mick.”

Neither of them speaks for a beat – everything they’ve left unsaid hanging heavy in the air between them until Ian eventually decides to carry on.

“And I know I said sorry for this one before,” he continues. “But I’m sorry for trying to make you come out.”

Mickey shakes his head as if to tell him it doesn’t matter. But it does.

“And for all the fucking bullshit I pulled with you while I was manic. Not even just the big stuff – the cheating, the porno, Yevgeny – but all of it. I didn’t treat you how I wanted to back then.” Ian feels tears burn behind his eyes just thinking about it and his pulse is ragged by the time Mickey finally turns his head to look at him.

His eyes are shining and Ian’s heart is fucking broken. “You were sick, Ian.”

“Doesn’t make any of it okay,” Ian mumbles, closing his eyes when he feels Mickey’s fingers graze against the back of his neck. “Just- I really need you to know that the only reason I broke up with you was because Monica fucking got in my head and I could see how much I was killing you and I didn’t want that for you, Mick,” he says, voice low and desperate, begging Mickey to understand. “The thought of you just staying with me and letting me hurt you over and over again was too fucking much. Especially back then when I felt like I’d never feel normal again.”

Mickey is quiet for a moment before he squeezes the back of Ian’s neck. “I’m not excusin’ shit, Ian. Losing you back then- it nearly fucking broke me. But it’s like what you said about the stuff I did. It’s not okay. But I know why you did it.”

Ian nods, sniffling back the tears threatening to fall and burying his face in Mickey’s neck to press an apologetic kiss against the spot where his neck meets his shoulder. Mickey’s arm tightens around him in response and it’s enough to give Ian courage to deliver the final part of his apology.

He leans back, pushing up on his elbow so he can look down at Mickey and meets his gaze while he talks. “I’m sorry I didn’t go with you to Mexico,” he whispers, breath hitching. “I’m so fucking sorry but I wanted to believe so badly that I actually had my shit together and-“

Mickey cuts him off before he can say anymore, lips upturned in a rueful smile. “I’m not mad about that,” he murmurs.

Ian frowns in confusion. “You’re not?”

Mickey nods, blowing out a resigned breath. “You were fucking right, Ian. Where were we supposed to get your meds? I spent two years working for a fucking cartel, that’s not exactly the kinda stress-free, routine life you needed to be living.” Mickey shakes his head, shrugging half-heartedly. “I didn’t think it through, I just wanted to be with you again – couldn’t see past that, y’know?”

And Ian is so fucking in love with him. He can’t believe Mickey still has so much goddamn faith in him.

“Fat lotta good it did anyway,” he huffs bitterly. “Goin’ home. Look where I ended up.”

He’d given Mickey the basics of what’d happened with the whole Gay Jesus thing earlier. But it’s still hard to believe how quickly things spiralled after he came home from the border.

Mickey doesn’t say anything because there’s not much to say really but he links his fingers together with the hand Ian’s still got resting on his chest which is an answer in and of itself.

“Listen,” Ian murmurs, meeting Mickey’s gaze and hoping he can see the sincerity there. “I know- I don’t expect you to just give me blanket forgiveness right now, okay? I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me,” he says, voice feeling thick with emotion. “But let me make it up to you, alright? Let me prove that I’m in this this time. I’m not fuckin’ around again, Mick. I’m not- I can’t let you go again.”

Mickey doesn’t reply right away and Ian watches as a myriad of emotions flickers across his face. Eventually though, his throat bobs and he offers Ian a hint of a smile. “You let me make my shit up to you. It’d be pretty fuckin’ hypocritical if I didn’t let you do the same.”

Ian huffs out a relieved laugh, resting his forehead against Mickey’s shoulder. “Or smart, maybe.”

“When have I ever fuckin’ been smart around you, Gallagher?” Mickey says amusedly and Ian raises his head again, leaning in until there’s the barest inch of space between them.

“I mean it,” he whispers steadfastly. “If it takes a week or a year to make you trust me again, I’ll do it. I promise.”

Mickey’s expression is calm and open as he watches him and Ian revels at being allowed to see the vulnerability behind his eyes – more as a sign of trust than because Mickey can’t conceal it for once. He closes the distance between them and tries to pour every bit of love and devotion he possesses into the kiss, hoping Mickey can feel it.

When their lips dislodge after a minute or so Ian rearranges them until he’s the one lying on his back and Mickey’s head is resting on his chest.

“I missed you so fucking much,” Mickey admits into the cotton of Ian’s tank top and Ian closes his eyes, feeling a lump swell in his throat as his eyes begin to water.

“I missed you too,” he murmurs hoarsely, tightening his arms around Mickey like he could fuse their bones together and pressing a firm kiss to Mickey’s hair. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Mickey mumbles and it’s just three words but it feels like fucking salvation to Ian’s ears.

They’re gonna be alright.

*

[coredrill]

alright here are my rwby8 thoughts now that i’ve had a few days to sit on ‘em!! spoilers for the entire volume under the cut

so if anyone happens to open this and is like “wow this is more words than i’ve seen you use ever” lol yup! it’s probably the most words i’ve written since high school lmao. feel free to read through if ya really want but this is mostly just my own way of organizing my thoughts for this kind of stuff rather than making a million different posts on random parts of it. this way if i want to look back in the future and say “haha wow can’t believe i thought THAT” it’s all in one easy location! i don’t expect anyone else to be reading all this shite lol

thoughts on the volume as a whole:

honestly i loved it!! there’s very little that i would’ve changed and most of that is nit-picking stuff. i’m very impressed that this volume was made in quarantine lmao. the animation in and of itself was STUNNING (shout out to the finale’s water animation...the aura break particle effects...the cinnamon topography of the amity scenes...all of the facial & body expressions...the whale disintegrating...)

i’d honestly say that it’s probably my second favorite volume?? volume 4 is still my beloved but v8 was so good. i’ll probably need to watch it through a few more times but god. i LOVED IT.

honorable mention cause idk where else to put it: some of the scores were breathtaking!!! i tend not to notice background music on my first watch unless it really sticks out to me and there were quite a few scenes where that happened in a good way this volume. the ones where cinder breaks into the atlas control room and the one at the end when atlas is flooding are probably my favs!!! also there was this one part where it was just screeching over ironwood and it worked really really well.

okay so now for individual characters. let’s start with ruby:

i would like to fund her therapy

very surprised that she didn’t “break” this volume! i was sort of expecting it to happen--between ironwood, the amity plan only kind of working, the hound, the virus, and the fact that she was separated from her usual support system (qrow, yang, and jaune), i was definitely expecting her to. i’m glad she didn’t though cause it’s gonna be so much harder when she actually does (probably when she finds out that cinder has the relics and penny’s dead...)

massive shout out to lindsay jones for managing to make squeaky-voiced ruby still sound like ruby even while going through a whole host of emotions we’ve never seen ruby go through before!

god. that scene where crescent rose fell into the drink and ruby scrambled after it. my heart dropped lmao.

also. this is likely because i’ve got an engineering degree (which came with a free stick up my butt when it comes to technology in media) but the line where they say “mass no longer matters” wrt her semblance??? WHAT??? bro splitting mass up into smaller chunks doesn’t change the actual mass of the material itself what is going on here 😭😭😭 (this isn’t a real criticism of any kind i just yelled WHAT after they said that line lmao)

weiss:

i have one single weiss criticism and its that, in the scene where she’s leaving whitley to go fight the hound, she says “we still need to work on your attitude” and for whatever reason, the voice track doesn���t sound like it was quite mixed right? like it sounds like she’s just standing there rolling her eyes but my girl is BOOKING it out of the room lmao

other than that: weiss you are PERFECT. she really spent this entire volume saving and taking care of the people she loves!!! and i loved every second of it!!!

i would’ve liked to see more of her and klein/whitley/willow. i think there’s a lot of great stuff in that dynamic (not me crying when klein showed up at the manor...) and especially between weiss and her mother. i hope we get one big schneeuinon in vacuo once they + winter are all in the same location (but that’s gonna be a while i think lmao)

it’s been said a million times before but weiss?? shaking and crying but using gambol shroud anyway?? even though she thinks her teammates are all dead?? giving ruby the staff and pushing her out of the line of fire and pulling blake back to safety??? fighting cinder, a fucking wholeass maiden, with no aura because she needs to protect penny?? only unable to get up and keep fighting after she watches gambol shroud (the last physical piece she has of her teammates) go over the edge??? bro. BRO. i’m legit tearing up just TYPING THAT. god she’s gonna find her team at that island resort and never let them go. gonna be like v4 jaune all over again huh??

blake/yang:

not as much here since they didn’t get a whole lot of focus this volume, but i enjoyed all their scenes! yang just fuckin going at salem was 1000/10.

i will say...i think blake’s gonna kiss yang when they meet up in tropical paradise. and good for her!! (especially if this volume’s been planned since the beginning, it makes sense that this would be the writers’ idea for where they wanted their first kiss to be)

jaune:

going from ren saying “he has no fear. he believes that we can do this” about jaune to, five chapters later, forcing jaune to deliver a killing blow to penny was just CRUEL

the fucking dissonance of jaune haha!-awkward-renora-moment-exit vomit-boy-through-the-portals hit-in-the-head-with-a-rock arc being the one that penny asks..............bro. don’t hmu.

it’s going to be such a long time until we see him smile again.

also. the moment when crocea mors snaps in half...again, my stomach dropped.

but it’s okay! he’ll be fine without a weapon! he’s the ~strategist~! *breaks the fuck down*

it hurts so much too to think about, like oscar mentioned.....even if/when he does reunite with ren and nora, he’s not gonna be the same person he was when they last saw him. he’s not gonna be their goofy, wholesome, soft, snarky, healer team leader anymore. he just got his shit sorted out, he just stopped being actively suicidal, and tbh i think this might affect him worse than what happened with pyrrha. especially since they were compounding in his brain--what he did gave penny more of a choice than pyrrha ever got, but GEEZ.

pain. just. pain.

nora:

NORA MY BELOVED

okay. OKAY. so like she was passed out for half the volume but what we did get of her was fucking amazing

nora’s mom i am going to find you and have some words. i’ve mentioned this before but this woman has the same energy as the mom from grave of the fireflies who was like “i know we’re actively being bombed right now but i’m going to abandon my children and get myself to safety.” SQUARE UP BITCH. i hope we never see nora’s mom in the show because i will become filled with rage

but nora herself??? flawless. perfection.

i really did love her journey this volume. realizing that she wants to become her own person apart from ren, and then telling him that when he says that he loves her?? nora sweetie that was heartbreaking but i am SO SO PROUD OF YOU.

nora putting herself first for once and being told that people love her WE FREAKING LOVE TO SEE IT

except NOW that’s all gonna go haywire 😭😭😭

like...the moment in the finale where you can see she’s hesitant to leave jaune to to go vacuo but she goes anyway because he’s her leader and he doesn’t like splitting up either and she loves him and she trusts him only for her to get STUCK ON THE OTHER SIDE BANGING ON THE PORTAL. that scene fucking BROKE me. you just KNOW she’s gonna be hating herself for going through and leaving jaune (even though nobody knew it was one way!!!) and when the portal dissolves and he doesn’t come through........

she really thinks that she’s lost TWO teammates now. that’s TWO teammates that she wasn’t able to save. she saved ren from the nuckelavee but pyrrha’s dead and as far as she knows jaune’s dead too

and jaune’s her fucking family!!!!!!!

and like. when we see her on the vacuo side of the portal, we see that she’s got the happy huntresses behind her. she did her job and she gathered them but now she can’t get back through and AHHHHHH. FUCK. when she drops to her knees because she realizes.........that fucking killed me. i’m tearing up now just typing this sdmndbm

and like. the worst part is that she just realized that she wants some time away from ren. but everyone else is gone and just like when they were kids he’s all she’s got and they are gonna lean on each other harder than ever because this time they both lost EVERYTHING. not just jaune, but ruby, who was their teammate for a while too. weiss, who took such great care of nora while she was injured. penny, who nora helped with blake’s advice. yang, who ren had time to bond with this volume. FUCK

it’s gonna hurt so bad to watch but i cannot WAIT to see what nora does next and how she moves forward. god. this is gonna kill her. it’s killing ME and i’m just a viewer lmao

ren:

remember that one week where neath went on twitter and was like “i love renora and i’m gonna make that everyone else’s problem”??? yeah. that was a good week lmao

speaking of neath. MASSIVE PROPS TO HIM FOR HIS WORK. he managed to give ren every single emotion in the book this volume and none of it sounded ooc despite ren being such a repressed character before. he did incredible!!!!

I LOVED REN SO MUCH THIS VOLUME GOD. i mean i love him in every volume BUT HE HAD SO MANY GOOD MOMENTS AND SUCH A GOOD ARC

i’ve already talked about it at length but the scene where his semblance evolves is one of my favorites in the whole show. he’s so fucking full of love that it’s literally tearing him apart and when he finally accepts that fact his ENTIRE SOUL levels up!!! he looks at himself and there are pink petals falling off of him because he can’t contain the love in his body anymore!!! it’s there in a literal, physical manifestation and it’s so. fucking. GOOD. FUCK.

and also my obligatory remark about how he was thinking about oscar and pyrrha and his parents in that moment. people he loved platonically and familially. rwby goes so fucking hard for platonic love and i can’t ever thank them enough. to see ren have this realization because he was thinking about oscar.....god i’m gonna cry again LMAO

and then after that the way that he just. looks at jaune in every scene with the biggest fucking heart eyes. i’m gonna fucking combust he loves his  leader SO MUCH. (which. as i mentioned in the nora section. pain now)

and the nora stuff........JUST AS GOOD

another thing i’ve talked about a lot but to see him apologize, be emotionally open, listen to what nora’s saying and what nora needs, TELL HER THAT HE LOVES HER FIRST, not holding a single thing against her, agreeing to wait for her to be ready.........literal perfection holy shit

romance is normally not one of my favorite aspects of any media but i will make an exception for whatever the fuck ren and nora got going on

basically as a ren stan / jnpr stan i was thriving this volume and then that finale hit me and i know i will be in pain until they reunite again

i have a handful of jnr gifs that i was planning to make during the hiatus but now they’re all PAIN aksjhdasjdh

oscar:

deeply worried about the quickly approaching merge. i’m really hoping that oscar and oz stay separate but i also love seeing all the animation/voice acting nuances that indicate that they’re getting closer to the merge.......AH

this volume really hammered home just how strong this kid is. he stands up to SALEM and does the right thing even despite the torture cause he’s so BRAVE and STRONG and when he trusted hazel with the password DESPITE IT ALL. ugh. so good.

i love oscar so much and i’ve loved seeing him grow!!!

penny:

serious stuff coming in the next bullet point but. GOD. her model’s head is so big and i don’t know WHY but this stuck out to me every time she was standing next to someone else. it might be because of the volume of her hair (but yang’s hair also has a lot of volume, and her head is normal sized)??? idk it just threw me off a lot. every time she was like, talking to ruby or something, all i could think about was how her head was bigger than ruby’s ENTIRE TORSO lmao. (also why didn’t they give her human body shoes skdjhaksjh)

that said.........oh, penny 😭😭😭😭😭

i’m surprised that she died but only because i thought her plot armor was pretty thick LMAO. narratively it makes a lot of sense and i’m glad her story ended the way it did.

i’ve seen a lot of people interpreting her actions in the finale as “choosing to die,” but i don’t think that’s the case?? penny’s friends all saved her every single time that she presented her own death as an option. that’s what makes this so tragic, is that they successfully saved her every time she offered that, and that in the end, she still died. she was gonna die anyway. she was impaled by cinder--jaune didn’t have enough time to heal her before cinder defeated weiss (who had no aura!!) and turned on them again. penny made her own choices when 1. she asked to die at the hands of a friend, rather than by cinder’s soul-sucking grimm arm and whatever horrible fate that includes and 2. to choose her successor. and i don’t blame her for making either of those choices! she wanted to die with as much dignity as peace as she could and to choose whose life she would be intertwined with. and while it’s very sad, i’m glad that penny finally got some sense of control over herself and her legacy.

and like...she was so happy when she met up with winter!! she was so happy to have full autonomy for once!!! that scene was both heartwarming and heartbreaking!!!

i also think that penny’s death reinforces the idea that remnant is gonna be very different by the time rwbyjnorqe is done with it. now not one but two kindhearted girls have gotten killed because they got tangled up in the maiden powers—which were originally meant to be a gift!! and i’m very interested to see what the resolution is gonna be!! (i know it’s gonna be in like. volume 52 or something alsjfndnx but still!!)

also, if nothing else, i am very glad that whole “pietro sacrifices the last of his aura to revive her” theory is gone. i hate that theory lmao

i will say, while i enjoyed penny’s role this volume, i do think that maybe some of her screentime could’ve gone elsewhere. i get that there needed to be a lot of focus on her, so that we would be attached when she died, but i think it would’ve been beneficial to spread that screentime elsewhere just a bit, especially since she wasn’t really developing at all. hitting the same point with her like seven times did start to feel a bit repetitive lol. my vote would be for extra time with the schnees, or the jn(o)r reunion at schnee manor, or maybe a scene checking in with pietro and maria!!

emerald:

EMERALD MY BELOVED

YOU DEFECTED!!!! GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!!!!

i hope we get a LOT more time with her in the future. she’s still gotta work out the cinder thing of course but i also think it’s gonna be super interesting to see how she acts now that she (alongside oscar, ren, nora, the hh, and winter) is one of the closest things their group has to a “leader”

also like........good for her for being one of the LEAST traumatized people this volume despite being THREATENED BY SALEM

somebody give emerald a nice long hug

i love her

that is all

winter:

WINTER OH MY GOD

seeing her struggle with her emotions all volume.....only to finally accept them and save marrow’s life.....and because of that choice she realizes how long overdue it was and goes all in on helping the heroes.....and is eventually chosen to become the next winter maiden by the girl who challenged her to accept her emotions in the first place......😭😭😭 chef’s kiss

“you chose nothing. this was a gift.” *demolishes ironwood but doesn’t stick around cause he’s not worth it* *fights cinder* POETIC CINEMA!!!!!

also i cannot wait to see her schneeunion with willow, whitley, and klein.......even if she does have to be the one to tell them what happened to weiss 😭

cinder:

CINDER I HATE YOU BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD VILLAIN

her backstory was pretty self explanatory but i think this was a good time to spell it out especially while we were in atlas. the culmination of that, her consistent failures to achieve her goals after v3, and watts dragging her really all just came together to make her so much more intimidating and efficient and i loved watching it.

like i know there’s people who don’t like her as a character but she’s always so fun to watch and her va does AMAZING and she’s just. so INTERESTING

also. i cannot wait for her to find out that ruby and neo are both alive (and especially when salem finds out they’re both alive LMAO)

also also her line to ruby about never being born feels.......awfully specific??? i wonder if it’s a hint at some other part of salem/cinder/ruby/summer lore (like her “and i refuse to starve” line from last volume)

also also also CINDER.......lying to salem is gonna backfire on you at one point or another.......HM

salem:

gosh i love salem. she’s such a good villain and i loved all her scenes (especially the fight scene...SO COOL).

very interested in whatever she does next!! since the only remaining lackey she has is cinder (who is now starting to try to manipulate her) and tyrian and mercury, who are in vacuo, i’m curious about her next steps. is she gonna keep recruiting, now that people know who she is?? is she gonna come to vacuo herself?? she could definitely do a WHOLE LOT OF DAMAGE with the refugee situation there, so i’m super excited to see how her next moves play out!!

hazel/tyrian/watts/merc/neo:

rip hazel. glad we were able to get an INSANE fight scene out of him before his death BUT ALSO WHAT’S WITH YOU BEATING THE SNOT OUT OF A 14 YEAR OLD HUH

listen. listen. i know merc-rescues-oscar was never a possibility BUT i still love that idea. it lives in my mind rent free!!!

i feel like mercury’s gonna be so insane after the worst road trip ever in a confined space with tyrian that he’s gonna be immediately redeemed by team sssnn and the power of himbofication upon landing in vacuo LMAO

real talk though, i am VERY interested in what happens when mercury sees emerald again and learns she defected. like, this is his friend, who he’s tried to keep safe the only way he knows how (by keeping his head down and not angering their abuser) and she got out but he didn’t. GOD. AND in the first fight she was in after defecting, she used the move that she learned by watching him!!!! that’s gonna be SO GOOD and i can’t wait to see it!!!

neo is a wildcard and i love watching her fight and i think it’s SO INTERESTING that she went over the side with rwby and jaune and i CAN’T WAIT to see what she does next.

WATTS MY DUDE. what a GOOD volume for him. like the stuff where he yells at cinder was SO COOL to see and it was so funny that he thought that wasn’t gonna come back to bite him LMAO. i think this was super fitting for him and while i like him as a villain, i think this was a good place for his story to end. i had a lot of fun watching his scenes this volume.

qrow/robyn:

I LOVE THEIR SIBLING ENERGY. robyn talking qrow down and them bonding over their semblances together was so great.

i also loved qrow’s semblance...evolving?? changing?? idk what exactly happened yet, but i know that if i too hung out with robyn hill for 48 hours straight my outlook on life would improve dramatically.

i do hope robyn makes it to vacuo soon because she will be invaluable at handling the refugee crisis there.

on the other hand, if qrow gets to vacuo and finds out that ruby and yang (and three more of his adopted kids) never made it........PAIN. oh my god it’s gonna be like summer all over again 😭😭

aceops:

did not expect to get teary-eyed when vine died. and yet i did. that “themes of death” cw on the finale was CERTAINLY SOMETHING HUH

hell yeah marrow!!! what a good boi!!! i loved his defection ofc and him going off on ironwood...chefs kiss

i hope marrow sticks with the main cast. he’s my favorite and he deserves to see his friends again!!!

as for elm and harriet, i’m not sure?? i think harriet still has a lot of work to do before she’s redeemed in my eyes. maybe they can be dropped off at beacon to help glynda fight the grimm/rebuild so that they can be back for the show’s ending but the cast is somewhat trimmed for vacuo lmao

also. i know they’re not aceops. but WHERE ARE FLYNT AND NEON ARE THE MEME KIDS OKAY

happy huntresses:

may marigold is literally perfect in every way

loved them! would’ve loved to see more of them lmao. maybe even just cutting back to them in the crater reacting to some of the stuff going on.

i very much hope we get to see them in the future! i know the vacuans aren’t gonna be happy with the atlas/mantle people showing up unannounced but i feel like if there’s anyone who’s gonna be able to earn their respect, it’s the organized-and-saved-the-lives-of-those-downtrodden-by-atlas-happy-huntresses.

maria & pietro:

okay. SO. my thoughts are either that they made it to vacuo (penny did see where amity would touch down, so it’s possible that a portal was placed in that location and they made it through) or qrow picks them up.

either way, i hope we get to see them again. I LOVE THESE TWO GEEZERS!!!

oh, pietro......... *cries*

ironwood:

not much to say here except that i loved it. i loved how he got more and more paranoid, i loved that he vaporized jacques schnee, i loved that he only went cartoon-villain at the last moment, i loved that he died unceremoniously surrounded by the thing he thought would save them all. i love that cinder got in one final chess reference beforehand. 10/10

the hound:

it feels like a lifetime ago that this guy died but holy shit. holy SHIT.

i want whitley to summon the hound!! it was an enemy that pushed him to grow, i think it would be neat!!

ambrosius:

LOVED THIS DUDE. i LOVE how his powers work!!! like, even though it’s magic, it’s so realistic because that’s how creation works!!! you gotta design the EXACT thing you want or else its gonna be fucked up!!!

like. okay. so (back on my engineering bs again lmao) for example. let’s say i’m writing a program where the user enters a number from 1-10 and it’s displayed on the computer screen. so i write whatever code i need that says “take user input and put on screen.” that’s what ambrosius did when he created the portals and the pathways between them!

and then let’s say i also put a warning to the user that says “only enter numbers from 1-10.” that would be ambrosius saying “do not fall.”

but...the user can still enter whatever they want. what happens if they put in the number 100? what happens if they type a letter? this program only puts numbers from 1-10 on screen, so who knows what’s gonna happen. and that’s what happens when people fall off the railings!!!

“oh, but you told them what numbers to enter” yeah but humans are unpredictable and ya gotta account for the human element when doing stuff like this!! team rwby didn’t account for people falling off--because why would people fall off if they were told not to? but the human element messed that up anyway!!!

anyways i’m a fucking nerd apparently but it was super cool to see that reflected in ambrosius!!! i’m a big fan!!!

like whenever people call him tricky or sneaky...no!!! he was just doing exactly what he was told to do!!!! so good!!!

also i wanna see him hang out with his sister jinn lmao

alright and here’s my thoughts/predictions for v9:

first off i just wanna say that this entire section (this entire post really, but especically this section) is just me spitballing lmao. we literally have ZERO clue what’s happening next or where they are, i’m just throwing out some stuff that’s crossed my mind! whatever crwby gives us is gonna be infinitely better than whatever i come up with lmao

that said, i have two ideas for what could be happening in madagascar.

option one is the one i’ve seen other people toss around, which is the whole wonderland-land-of-the-dead thing. i’m kinda torn on this because i think it could be good for penny’s storyline, but not really anyone else’s?? sure, yang and ruby could see summer, but weiss would see...jacques?? and blake would see...adam?? i’m not sure what weiss and blake would have to say to them/learn from them the same way ruby and yang would.

on that same idea, jaune could definitely see pyrrha, but again, i’m wondering what purpose that would serve? obviously jaune’s actions in the finale were guided by pyrrha (or specifically her mom, and realizing that pyrrha never had a choice either), but it’s clear that that’s the case for all of team jnpr, and it will be probably forever. their scene together at pyrrha’s memorial felt like they were closing the door--specifically--on their grief. on the other hand, those actions are super relevant right now and i will never turn down the chance to see pyrrha!!! it’s just free waterworks babey!!!

neo also has roman, but i can’t really see roman admitting to anyone that he got swallowed by a grimm 😭😭 just seems too embarrassing for him LMAO

for penny, i think this could work nicely. all she ever wanted was to not have her life controlled by others--kind of like alice in wonderland (the disney movie version because i am fairy tale illiterate lmao). if penny gets to exist after death in a land where she gets to choose everything for herself i think she would be very happy!

again, if this ends up being the case, crwby could 100% make it work! (and i am 0% opposed to maya model pyrrha.) i just personally am not as sold on this being the case as some others are.

option two imo is vacuo but in the past. which i know seems kind of weird BUT i have reasons!

so we know a few things about vacuo. one, it used to be an oasis and was considered a paradise until atlas and mistral destroyed it for the dust. two, it has giant motherfucking crabs that people like to eat. yes this is all i have to go off of BUT both of those things are in the end credits scene we got!

also, them landing in past-vacuo makes sense on ambrosius’ level. their “one way ticket” probably didn’t include all four dimensions of coordinates--so i could see them landing in the same x, y, and z as the official doorway, but at a different time. the creation would still do exactly what it was asked to do--drop them in vacuo.

there’s also a couple other things. “vacuo” means “in a vacuum” which i’ve heard v9 is supposed to be. also in before the dawn, sun saw some bigass magic tree that awakened his semblance which this one definitely could qualify as

(okay. side note. when i first saw the tree i thought of the glowy tree from james cameron blue people avatar. IDK WHY, i haven’t seen that movie in years??? i also had to google it to make sure i wasn’t making it up and apparently it’s called the “tree of souls.” which would also make sense if it helped sun awakened his semblance. i don’t think rwby based something off of blue people avatar, it’s probably more likely that blue people avatar is based off of some fairytale/mythology that i don’t know anything about LMAO)

i don’t actually think option two is gonna happen, but it was fun to think about!!

also either option opens the opportunity to time not passing 1:1 in current vacuo & rwby’s island getaway which???????? AHHHHH

alright so now to the actual characters lmao. i mentioned wby earlier. i honestly have no clue what neo’s gonna be up to, she’s such a wild card and i LOVE IT.

ruby and jaune is gonna be...........PAIN. NO MATTER WHAT. i have no idea how ruby is gonna react--she might just be so overwhelmed by everything that she snaps/yells at jaune which. PAIN. but she also might not?? which. ALSO PAIN. i feel like no matter what ruby does, jaune’s gonna blame himself anyway. god. i love their friendship SO MUCH and this is gonna HURTTTT

and on that, he doesn’t have ren and nora this time to pull him back from the ledge. this dude’s guilt complex is gonna go crazy especially since he doesn’t have his team and double especially if ruby/rwby blames him for what happened. god it’s gonna HURT TO WATCH.

on a wildly different note, i hope we do get to see vacuo/qrow throughout volume 9. if i go a whole volume without ren and nora i WILL cry lmao.

also it’s gonna be super interesting to see how their group fares!!! vacuo’s fuckin nuts and i’d love to see winter just destroying the grimm there (3 headed giraffe my beloved) and see how the atlas/mantle refugees handle the climate--and how the vacuans react to all of them LMAO

ALSO!!!! THE SULFER FISH WERE THERE!!! very glad to see that they’re in vacuo too because from the concept art it seems like they have super unique abilities and i’m excited that we may get to properly see them, instead of just cameos!!!

team cfvy pspspspspspsps theodore and rumpole pspspspspsps team sssnn pspspspspsps

and, of course, i gotta mention that any possible jnr reunion WILL tear my heart out and i will probably cry for days. i gotta start emotionally preparing now LMAO

alright and that wraps it up!! if anyone makes it down to the bottom props to you!! i don’t expect anyone to actually read this mess lmao. tldr: INCREDIBLE volume and i’m so hype for v9 already!!!

[linmanwe11]

P-P-P-P-PRIZEO

Pairing: Lin-Manuel Miranda x Reader

Words: 1,731 words (Part 3 will PROBABLY be the longest)

Warnings: Swearing, WAY TOO MUCH FLIRTING, Lin’s eyes and his lips (they’re so damn nice and pretty)

Summary: It’s been about a week since you found out that you won the Prizeo contest, and you and Lin have kept in contact. It’s finally time for your date, and you couldn’t be more excited yet anxious for the day to unfold.

A/N: It’s slow burn, y’all... Just wait for part 3. I hope you’re enjoying this so far!

-

Part Two: THE DATE

Nearly a week after it was announced that you were the winner of the Prizeo contest, the time had finally come for you to meet Lin. To say you were nervous was an understatement- you were TERRIFIED. Since that day, you and Lin had texted every day, just getting to know one another. Of course, you saved most of the “important topics” for your date, but you let him know the bare minimum about you, and he did the same.

Since it was a Saturday Matinee, you woke up earlier than usual to start getting ready, and also because you couldn’t wait to finally see Lin in person. After seeing him once as Usnavi and then so many years of seeing his success through a screen, you could hardly wait any longer. You picked out the perfect outfit; a beautiful black dress with a slit that rode up to your thigh, black heels, and matching jewelry. As you sat in your bathroom while you did your hair and makeup, you felt your phone vibrate against the counter. Unlocking it, you were all too familiar with who was texting you.

From: Lin I legit cannot wait to see you today. I’ve never been this excited about meeting a prizeo contest winner before… Seriously!

To: Lin I can’t wait either. Talking to you this past week has been unreal, like a dream come true. I still can’t believe I won! Even if I didn’t win, I’m still so happy that I was able to help and contribute to such a great cause.

From: Lin I’m really glad to hear that, [Y/N]. You’re probably getting ready right now, so I’ll leave you to it. I’ll see you in a bit, love.

You smiled to yourself, the anticipation growing inside. As you finished getting ready, he called you and said he was on his way, and you laughed as he told you how cool the limo was, [Y/N], this limo is so DOPE. Checking yourself one last time in the mirror, you grabbed your small purse and tried your best to calm yourself down. Finally, you heard the buzzer go off followed by Lin’s voice letting you know it was him. You buzzed him up then patiently waited by the door before you heard him knock.


When you opened it, you saw his jaw drop as he looked you over and you blushed as you saw how he was looking at you. 

“Wow...” 

He looked at you as if you were the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on, and he felt his heart light up and his stomach turned upside down while butterflies flew all throughout it, he was in love from the beginning.

For you, just about the same thing was happening. Sure, you had seen photos, videos, and read interviews and listened to podcasts, but you weren’t prepared for how you would feel when you met him in real life. He was… breathtaking to say the very least. His short hair fixed neatly, the suit fitting him perfectly in all the right places, and his eyes, oh goodness, his eyes. They were dark, but you felt as if you could see the entire universe by just looking through his eyes. You looked at him, your eyes studying him carefully when he looked in your eyes, and you felt it. Something was definitely there between you two, you both knew it, and you just smiled at each other before he held out his hand for you to take, his fingers lacing themselves with yours.

“You look beautiful, [Y/N]. Even more beautiful than I imagined.”

“Thank you. You look very handsome, Lin-Manuel. Way more handsome than I’ve seen in any picture or video of you. I can’t believe this is happening! I’m so excited!”

“Well then, let’s get going then, shall we?”

You smiled at him as he led you down to the limo which was waiting for the two of you outside your apartment building. He opened the door for you and you felt goosebumps as he placed his hand on the small of your back, following you into the vehicle.

“Such a gentleman! How sweet.”

“I try, [Y/N], I try.”

He said before he smiled at you as you sat next to one another, the two of you riding in a comfortable silence as you drove down the streets of New York. You had such a deep love and passion for the city that never sleeps, even in the afternoon glow, you admired the lights of the city with nothing but love.

Finally, you arrived at the wondrous Richard Rodgers Theater, your eyes lighting up as the ‘Hamilton’ sign came into view.

“Holy shit, holy shit, holy SHIT! Lin! I can’t believe I’m here! I’m about to see HAMILTON with YOU!”

“C’mon, love, let’s show the world the beautiful Prizeo winner.”

Lin stepped out first and you followed, being greeted by flashing cameras and people yelling to get Lin’s attention. He walked you to the stage door, stopping for a few pictures, and then you walked into the theater. You got to meet the entire cast, each and every one of them congratulating you on winning and telling you how beautiful you were before Lin escorted you to your seats, it felt like you were in a dream.

As the show started, you looked at the stage, the actors, and the dancers with such wonder and amazement, you hardly noticed that Lin was doing the same, except he was looking at you instead of the stage. In the middle of the show, you felt Lin’s hand find a resting place on your thigh. It was respectful, of course, but the feeling still gave you goosebumps and made you shiver. You looked over at him, and he looked at you, eyes meeting with nothing but love, and you placed your hand on top of his, leaving it in its place on your thigh.

You were bawling by the end, and you were on your feet in a split second. Its’ reputation proceeded itself, it was single-handedly the most beautiful piece of art you had ever seen. Wiping away your tears, you and Lin made your way out of the theater, back to the limo, and towards the restaurant.

“Wow, Lin, this restaurant is REALLY fancy.” You said to him as you sat down.

“Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful! I love it.”

“So, what’d you think of Hamilton?”

“Oh my goodness, it was… amazing isn’t even a good enough way to describe it. It was everything than I hoped it would be. Hell, it was even BETTER than what I hoped it would be, I loved it so much. You really did create a piece of art.”

“Thank you, [Y/N]. I’m so happy to hear you enjoyed it. So, as first dates usually go, tell me about yourself.”

“Well, I was born here in New York and grew up in Queens. When I graduated from college at NYU, I got a job as a high school Advanced English teacher, but I’ve had a few writing jobs on the side. That’s really my main goal, to be a writer, but as you know, it’s hard, but I love teaching and wouldn’t mind making an actual career out of it.”

“That’s amazing, I’d love to read some of your work if you don’t mind?”

“I don’t mind at all! And what about you?”


“What do you want to know?”

“Anything you’re willing to tell me. I’m all ears.”

And just like that, the two of you went on for what seemed like hours, taking small breaks to eat. You had never connected with someone so quickly, and you were pretty surprised considering the fact that this man was possibly the most famous person in his industry, he was so unbelievably humble.

“I meant what I said earlier, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re really beautiful.” He said it with so much sincerity, you knew your face was candy apple red from blushing. He chuckled then kept the conversation going.

As the date went on, the two of you began scooting closer to one another, and before you knew it, Lin was holding your hand, his thumb stroking your smooth skin, eyes listening intently, and never leaving your face as you spoke. You loved how expressive and animated he was when he talked- his hands almost never staying still and his eyes lighting up and telling a million stories within themselves. He was honestly a dream, you still couldn’t quite believe you were here with him.

As your bodies drew closer together, you turned your head to look at him and he did the same. You just stared at each other, eyes drowning in his before you saw him glance down at your lips then back up to meet your eyes as you did the same to his, hoping you could get your mind elsewhere but in that exact moment, he licked then bit his bottom lip. You exhaled heavily, trying to slow your heartbeat and the arousal you were suddenly feeling. Lin was feeling the exact same thing, and he couldn’t deny his own arousal, then he smiled when he saw you begin to blush once again.

“You’re really cute when you blush.”

“Oh, so I’m just cute?”

“Well, I’d say something else Miss [L/N], but I don’t want to scare you off…” He said, barely above a whisper, his face getting closer to yours, lips only centimeters apart now.

“I don’t scare easily, Lin-Manuel. I’m not that kind of woman.”

“No, you’re not… You’re more than beautiful and this dress… Wow. You make it look so damn good, so sexy.”

You felt the wetness that had suddenly gathered between your legs accumulate as you swallowed hard, your lips now brushing against his. Lin looked into your eyes once more before letting his gaze flick back down to your lips, he leaned his head to the side, and then-

CRASH.

You both jumped apart from one another as two waiters bumped into one another causing one of them to drop a tray full of drinks. He smiled at you, and you let out a breath you didn’t even know you had been holding in.

“[Y/N], I know this technically isn’t included with the prize, but I don’t really want to end this date. Do you maybe want to take this somewhere else? We can walk around the city if you’d like? I’d love to see some of your favorite spots, and I’d love to show you mine.”

“I’d love that, Lin-Manuel.”

“Great, let’s go.”

Lin paid the bill, grabbed your hand, then led you out into the night.

-

Part One: THE CONTEST

Part Three: THE PRIZE

[with-love-anu]

Desiderata: When The Heart Speaks

PART: 8

WORD COUNT: 1.7K

PAIRING: Sirius Black x Reader

SUMMARY:  You had been best friends with James, Remus, Sirius and Peter. Read your journey of love, friendship and jealousy through your wonderful years at Hogwarts. Enjoy!

SERIES MASTERLIST

Sirius was being different. Not that you didn’t like it, but it was new. He had started to call you “my love” which never failed to make you blush. He had stopped flirting with anyone else all together and was directing every bit of his attention towards you. And you were over the moon. You couldn’t stop smiling, giggling as Sirius flirted with you. So, you did the only thing you could think of. You flirted back.

The first time you did it, you saw Sirius’s eye’s widen as a deep red colour tinted his cheeks and neck. He stuttered, amusing you, before muttering some lame excuse and leaving as fast as possible. Your cheeks hurted from how wide you grinned. Lily beside you, eyed you with raised eyebrows, giving you a knowing expression. James and Remus were splayed on the floor laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. Did you just see your best friend, supposed playboy of the damn school blush and stutter nervously because you flirted with him? More importantly; did he start considering you more than a friend? Did you actually have a chance with him?

It took a while, before Sirius stopped blushing uncontrollably whenever you flirted back. This had been going on for months now. The two of you would tease each other; but it never went more than that. You actually wondered whether this was a part of some big joke. James and Remus continually assured you that it wasn’t.

***

“My love, did you even eat this morning?” Sirius asked concerned as you entered the history of magic classroom out of breath. Your heart gave a flutter. You had overslept and hardly had the time to take a shower before rushing for your first class.

“No. I overslept.” You said sitting down beside him.

“Here, I saved some muffins for you”

He offered you your favorite, blueberry and banana flavored cakes. You beamed at him.

“Why, thank you!” you said in a flirty tone taking one and eating it discreetly to make sure not to get the attention of your seemingly, ever-tired professor.

“Anything for you babe;” he said lowly, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

You gulped. He looked at you like he was going to kiss you. You stared at him, his grey eyes looking at you so intensely, it made your heart rate spike up. You were sure that Sirius who was sitting at quite a distance could hear your heart beat. He moved forward, and placed a kiss on your cheek making you look away. You blushed. Hard. You looked forward trying to listen to the professor (or attempting to).

As he droned on and on about goblin wars, you felt Sirius’s hand cover your own. You smiled. You shifted closer to him and heard him suck a breath. Your thighs were touching and your arms were over each other. You pursed your lips to stop grinning. You could see Sirius at the corner of your eyes having a smirk on his face even though his cheeks were tinted pink. Throughout the lesson you were torn between wanting it to end as soon as possible; so that you could stop yourself from yanking his face towards you kissing him until you were both breathless and wanting it to last forever; to stay close to him in case he didn’t want what you did.

When the lesson ended James put an arm around you catching up.

“Have fun in the class?” he asked the two of you wriggling his eyebrows. Both of you flushed. Sirius slapped away his arm from around you put his own. You raised your eyebrows at the gesture and rolled his eyes playfully.

***

“Y/n!!” Sebastian grinned beside you as the two of you worked on ancient runes in the quiet library. “So, Sirius huh?” he said wriggling his eyebrows.

“Ahhhh…” you groaned as you face palmed. Sebastian chuckled.

“It’s okay… I’ll find a place to repair my broken heart!” he sniffed, wiping away a fake tear from his face.

“Awww” you gawked lovingly. “You’ll always be my favourite man!!” you said bumping your shoulder with his. He bumped yours in return. You giggled.

“What are you doing?” a voice came behind you.

You turned to see Sirius. His jaw was clenched and if looks could kill, Sebastian would be dead twice over.

“Studying. Runes.” Sebastian replied gesturing towards the books.

“We are done, actually. So Y/n,” he said turning towards you. “I’ll be taking my leave. Don’t forget the charms lesson tomorrow. Bub-Bye!”

“Sure. Bye.” You watched him as he packed his books to leave. Sirius was beside you fuming silently. You bit your cheeks to stop smiling. It was fun to see Sirius jealous. It was adorable, actually. It reminded you of an angry kitten.

After he left, you gestured Sirius to sit beside you. After all you still had work left. He sat beside you opening and closing his mouth frequently. You sighed.

“You could say what you want Sirius, it’s just me.” You said not looking at him.

He cleared his throat before speaking.

“I didn’t know Sebastian,” he spat his name, “and you were so close”

You looked up at him. You were shocked to find vulnerability in his eyes.

“Sirius,” you started wanting to clear any confusion. “Sebastian is a friend. Only a friend. We tease each other for fun. There is nothing between us. Ever was or will be.”

Sirius looked at you as if trying to determine whether you were being honest. He took a deep breath.

“Yaa… I knew that” he said as if it didn’t matter reading the book in front of him.

“Of course not! You weren’t jealous at all” you said smirking making Sirius stutter yet again.

***

The party was in full swing. Everyone from different houses fifth year and above had come and were having fun of their lives. You wore a black dress that hugged your curves perfectly, hiding what you didn’t want to show displaying your best features. You had curled your hair and applied a bit of makeup too. Lily whistled as she saw you. As you both went down arm in arm you tried to spot your besties. To say Sirius way surprised would be an understatement. His mouth legit dropped when he saw you.

Remus nudged him saying, “Close it, or a fly would enter in”

He stumbled and stuttered, gulping before finally saying, “You look gorgeous”

“Thank you, you don’t look bad either.” You said smiling.

You spent the rest of the evening dancing with Sirius. Man! Did he know how to move! Placing his hands over your hips, your arms around your neck; you swayed to the beats of music. You were hyperaware of the places he was touching you. Your body bloomed with heat and your heart never calmed down. Sirius gazed at you as if you were the only person in the whole wide world. He felt the same.

You were broken out of your trance, as someone spilled something over you. Shit! Your skirt was soaked.

“Fuck- why don’t you clean this up while I wait for you?” Sirius asked solemnly.

You nodded as you went to your dorm muttering some cleaning and drying spells. Once satisfied you went down looking for Sirius.

You gasped as you saw him. He was kissing Marlene. Tears prickled your eyes as your whole body turned rigid. Of-course it was a game to him. Your head felt like it would burst. You turned and ran into your dorm bathroom. No reason for anyone to see you like this. You put a hand over your mouth trying to muffle your screams. You plopped on the cold tiles as you sobbed uncontrollably, your body shaking. It hurt. It hurt so damn much. Sirius never loved you, he never could, he never would. Those jealous girls from the bathroom were right, you were nothing more than a new conquest. You heard knocking outside your door.

“Y/n!! open up, let me explain.” Sirius shouted.

You tried to breathe, but couldn’t do anything except whimpering a bit more.

“NO!” you screamed.

“Y/n, please!” Sirius pleaded.

“Why are you even here? You broke my heart, made a fool out of me; what more do you want? You knew I loved you still you played this bloody game with me!” You shouted.

“Y/n, after all this time, you still don’t know I love you?” Sirius said sucking a breath.

That cleared your mind. He loved you-?

“What?” you croaked.

“Bloody hell Y/n! I am head over heals in love with you, can’t you see? Please, please open up!” he begged.

You wiped your tears and slowly opened the door. Sirius looked at you and cupped your face. He took you to your bed making you sit down.

“Marlene was drunk. I went to take some butterbeer for ourselves and she came out of nowhere and kissed me. I pushed her away as soon as I could grasp what was happening.” He gulped. “I love you. Have for a while now. Even when I didn’t know it. Loving you is like breathing, comes to me naturally and I couldn’t live without it.”

“I love you Sirius,” you said softly looking at him. You were entranced. You both were. Neither of you breaking the long stare. The feelings so long hidden bursting around you. Sirius leaned in. He kissed your forehead. Then your nose. He started peppering kisses along your cheeks, chin and jaw. His hands held you close as your heart pounded violently. He pulled away, cupping your face. He moved closer brushing his lips against yours. There was something about you that made him feel like an inexperienced nervous child dealing with his first relationship. You pressed your lips firmly against him, finally kissing him. He kissed back, fervently as if the moment would break soon and he would have to go back to the unwanted reality. You dragged your tongue against his bottom lip as he moaned and let you in. It felt like a high you never experienced. The two of you kissed passionately, neither wanting to stop. Sirius pulled away as you both heaved breathing.

“Sirius,” you said holding his hand. “Never leave me.”

“Not in a million lifetimes.” He promised.

[wrightiverse]

Chrysanthemums

When he was drunk and maudlin, Bill Close had a phrase he used to explain why he’d never become a star: timing is everything. If he hadn’t done a certain audition right before lunch, when people were hungry and distracted. If he’d been playing the night the agent was in the bar, instead of at home babysitting. If he’d been five minutes earlier here, two hours later there, a few seconds in either direction, he’d have the life he was actually supposed to have. Bad timing. Good timing. Didn’t quite pull off the timing. Timing is everything. Glenn buys all that as a kid, but he eventually realizes that Bill only had it half right. It’s not just the bad stuff that comes down to being in the right place at the right moment. Sometimes, everything aligns to give you much more than you deserve. (Posted this on AO3 originally but we’re all in sad Close boys hours this week anyway so I may as well bring it over here. Full version below cut has references to a car accident, pregnancy, and a certain canonical death that I’m sure you can guess. It was also written before we realized that Wrightiverse Nick was trans but fuck it, why go back and have Glenn and Morgan misgender baby Nick when I don’t have to. Nick is much younger when Morgan passes in this than in the show’s canon now but canon is optional, free your mind.) 

When he was drunk and maudlin, Bill Close had a phrase he used to explain why he’d never become a star: timing is everything. If he hadn’t done a certain audition right before lunch, when people were hungry and distracted. If he’d been playing the night the agent was in the bar, instead of at home babysitting. If he’d been five minutes earlier here, two hours later there, a few seconds in either direction, he’d have the life he was actually supposed to have. Bad timing. Good timing. Didn’t quite pull off the timing. Timing is everything. Glenn buys all that as a kid, but he eventually realizes that Bill only had it half right. It’s not just the bad stuff that comes down to being in the right place at the right moment. Sometimes, everything aligns to give you much more than you deserve. *** It’s not exactly a fairytale love story. They literally meet in a dumpster.

It’s been most of a year since he told his parents to go shove their advice and their money up their respective asses, three months since the semester ended and he lost access to the dorm room and meal plan, a week since he ran out of cash, and at least 24 hours since he ate anything. Couch-surfing is keeping a roof over his head, and his friends are generous with food and booze and weed when they have any to spare, but that only goes so far. One year of college courses under his belt, no idea how to make a resume, no work history even if he did, no permanent address. The job offers aren’t exactly flooding in.

But to hell with it, Glenn Close isn’t gonna just lay down and die. He’s already cased a bakery a few blocks away and he knows they usually throw out the stuff too stale to sell around 11 p.m. He’d hoped not to have to use that info, but whatever. Someday this will make a great anecdote for his episode of Behind The Music.

Glenn hovers across the street until he sees a silhouetted figure toss a bag into the dumpster in the alley, then casually strolls over once the figure goes back inside. The sides of the dumpster are taller and have fewer handholds than he’d pictured, but he drags over some pallets and manages to climb in. It’s half empty and the bag has landed right on top, safe from the nasty trash juices that are soaking the cuffs of his jeans.

The first thing he sees when he tears the bag open is a plain bagel, and the first bite he takes is so good that he almost passes out. He’s so busy wolfing it down that he doesn’t notice the approaching steps from outside until another bag of trash flies over the top of the dumpster and bounces off his head.  

“Watch it,” he says reflexively. Then he freezes, not even chewing as he strains to listen for movement outside. Nothing. Maybe they just tossed the bag and walked back inside. He might get away with this.

“Yo, Templeton,” a voice says from outside the dumpster. “You gonna quit pretending you’re not in there, or should I close the lid?”

Glenn considers his options for a moment, but now that he comes to think of it… “Yeah, I’m realizing I don’t have anything to stand on in here. Little help?”

That’s the first time he hears her laugh. Even knowing he was the butt of the joke, he wants to hear it again. He gets his chance seconds later, when her head pops above the wall of the dumpster.

“Would you look at that? Somebody threw away a perfectly good dumbass.” Then that laugh rings out for the second time

Even his innate panache can’t overcome being hungry, chest-high in trash bags, and covered with flour. He’s humbled, and she’s amused, and that somehow turns into a connection that surprises both of them with how deep it gets and how fast.

If Glenn meets her at any other moment than that, he blows it by trying to be cool and charming. He lucked out. It’s perfect timing.

Morgan’s too good for him on any level you can name. Too cool for him, too smart, too tough, too beautiful. A better musician than him, both with the actual music and the business side. She’s the one who teaches him how to scrounge and hustle, how to read a contract’s fine print and argue with a booking agent who doesn’t want to pay up. Sometimes it feels like every other living soul on earth is elbow-to-elbow with them, fighting for the same scraps that they are, but it’s clear that Morgan’s the one in a million who’s going to make it. And he’s along for the ride, feeling like the luckiest son of a bitch alive every single damn day.    ***

***

Seven years hearing her laugh every day. Seven years getting to be the one who makes her laugh, sometimes even on purpose.

“I think we should get married,” he says one day, and she laughs in his face.

“You still think it’s more legit if the government knows about it, huh?” But she softens, because she knows what he’s actually trying to say, because of course she does. “I get it, baby. This is the real deal. In sickness and health, for better or for worse, and so forth. I’m not signing any paperwork, but you know we throw a good party. Let’s just do the fun parts. You down?”

It’s a very good party, and afterward she calls him “my husband” and they make plans to get rings. Later, if she’s tipsy and feels like teasing him, she calls him “my first husband,” and she laughs. Then she squeezes his face in her hands and gives him a kiss to make sure he understands that she’s only joking. He always knows she’s joking. He always lets her kiss him anyway.

***

Morgan spends a few days thinking she’s got food poisoning before realizing a stowaway has outwitted their precautions. Glenn’s always counted that as very good timing by Nicholas -  if that tricky little bastard shows up any earlier than he does, there’s no way Glenn even considers becoming a parent. But once they decide to go for it, it’s more fun than they’d have ever imagined. They build a lot of castles in the air together while they’re waiting to meet Nick. Glenn says he wants enough kids for a Partridge Family style band, and Morgan agrees as long as nobody plays the tambourine.

They discuss it endlessly, but finally decide a percussionist is the first priority. The closer the due date gets, the more it seems like their new bandmate agrees. Morgan grabs Glenn’s hand and puts it on her belly so he can feel the urgent kicks. “Check out this sick drum solo.”

Nick inherits his parents’ knack for knowing how to make an entrance. He’s so fashionably late that Morgan decides they should just party without him. It’s like ditching the friend who’s taking too long to get ready, except for the part where they can’t actually leave him behind. She and Glenn hit up their favorite venue that very night. The music thumps through their bodies like a pulse. The energy of the crowd makes them forget how long they’ve been waiting. And if anybody has any concerns about seeing a ridiculously pregnant woman dancing her heart out until her hair sticks to her face with sweat, they’re smart enough to keep their mouths shut.

Fear of missing out is apparently hardwired, and Nick graciously deigns to join them a few days later. Everything changes. Three a.m. feels a lot different when you know you’ll be awake again at 4:30, and 5, and probably 7, and maybe 8 for good measure, and…

“This new guy can’t hang,” Morgan mutters. She’s standing beside the bed, Nick tucked against her shoulder, patting his back and swaying. Glenn’s sitting up in bed, trying to stay awake out of solidarity, losing the battle.

“New guy is a lightweight,” he says. “And he’s pretty nasty. That dude does not know what a toilet is for.”

“Come on, man, get it together,” Morgan says softly to the fussing figure in her arms. “We can’t take you anywhere.” Baby Nick finally burps and spits up a little onto Morgan’s shirt. A few additional angry hiccups are all he can manage before he falls asleep.

“Did you hear that?” Morgan murmurs as she lowers him into the crib. “He said he was gonna fight me. Slow your roll, new guy, you aren’t ready for this heat.”

She collapses back onto the bed next to Glenn. “I’m bluffing. He’s kicking my ass.”

“Me too,” Glenn says, “but at least we outnumber him.” ***

***

Not long after Nick’s second birthday, Morgan notices that she’s a couple of days late. It’s not a big deal, it usually doesn’t mean anything. Glenn makes a joke about the Close Family Quartet, and Morgan says she’ll grab a test when she gets groceries that weekend. But whether their lead guitarist was about to debut or still waiting in the wings, she made an amateur mistake and left things a little too late. The band broke up first. That’s show business for you.

People always want to know what happened. Glenn never gets into details. They must make up their own pictures in their head: a rain-slick curve taken too fast, a semi truck jack-knifing across the highway. It makes more sense for something like that to happen when you already know you’re in danger.

It’s the middle of the day. He’s going maybe five over the speed limit, keeping pace with traffic. He’s not high or drunk or tired or even distracted. They’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. A dog runs into the road, someone swerves to miss it, someone else tries to get out of their way. Barely a fender-bender, except that their car gets just enough of a push to end up in the intersection.

Early on, he thinks a lot about how a few seconds here and there could change things.

The dog runs into the street a little later, and then the oncoming traffic isn't trying to beat a yellow light.

The dog runs into the street a little earlier, and they drive home with a scraped bumper.

But that’s Bill’s half-assed way of thinking about it, and Glenn knows better. It’s true, it could have been different. It could have been much worse.

He drives a split second slower, and the other car meets theirs with a direct hit, crumpling the back seat as well as the front with far more force than Nick’s booster seat can deflect.

He drives a split second faster, and the clipped bumper spins them into the next lane, and he never makes it to the hospital at all, and Nick doesn’t have anybody left.

Glenn knows now what his dad was talking about in those grumbling laments. It’s like trying to put together two tracks that are just slightly out of sync. Where do you snip out a piece to make things fit right again? What if you’re already balanced on that tipping point with the fewest misfortunes and the most lucky breaks? What happens if you start messing with that?

He can’t second-guess. It happened the way it happened, and he’s still here, and Nick’s still here, so he still has a job to do. He’s going to be there for Nick the whole way, along for the ride, feeling like the luckiest son of a bitch alive because he gets to be here at all. It could have gone another way. Timing is everything.

[thegoddessofliterature]

A pretty long spoiler-filled reveiw of ACOMAF

-posted this reveiw on my goodreads around June and decided to share it now on Tumblr.

Reread this gem and love it even more than the first time. Of course, reading a good book for the first time is always special and you don't know any of the plot twists and turns. Not knowing what is gonna happen in a story is my favorite thing about reading. Sarah blew me away with her captivating writing style and amazing world building that left wanting more .The is the first book that made me cry and I don't easily cry in books which just proves my love for this book. Rhysand stole my heart. I just love him so much. I know most of you probably didn't like him in the first book but once you read this one you will change your mind. You can thank me later.

Moving on, let's dive straight into spoilers, if you adored this book as much as me. Most just me gushing over our precious bat boi.

Sarah did a great job at fooling me. Just like Feyre, I was blind to the red flags that displayed the unhealthy and toxic relationship between Feylin. Upon my second read, I could clearly see all the signs and read between the lines and kept thinking "why didn't I realize this sooner?''

I really liked the lesson that the author taught us about unhealthy and healthy relationships. You usually don't see the latter in most NA or even YA. And I despise Tamlin. He is everything that I hate in a man,controlling,abusive and anti feminist. I was so pissed at him for lying to Feyre that Rhys killed his family. The tool himself, had murdered Rhys family and I will never forgive him for that

Me to Tamlin “ I hope that burn..”

I could write a whole essay on professing my love for Rhysand but even that wouldn't be enough for me.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. He is no 1 on my fictional boyfriends list. No other male character can compare to him.

Just like Feyre, I wasn't expecting him to be the good guy. And, just as she was unaware of falling for him,I was too. I didn't even realize how attached I grew to Rhys until I got a spoiler that he was going to die. I legit got an ache in my heart and felt like crying. That's the beauty of books when a character feels real even they sadly aren't. Thankfully, he survived and if he didn't then I wouldn't have been able to forgive Sarah/

Why do I adore the Highlord of the Night Court?

He is so precious and a major feminist. He is humble and strong ( even when he has been through so much). My heart breaks for him. His story is too emotional for me to read without crying (on my second time reading). Not only did he lose his parents but his sister too. We never got to know how old she was but she was young. We never got to see his mother and baby sister. That makes my heart shatter in a million pieces but as if that wasn't enough, He didn't see his friends for 50 years. He was trapped under the mountain for so long and raped by that bitch and he endured it just to protect his city and family (the inner circle). As if he didn't have enough on his plate, he watched Feyre be taken away from him twice. He watched the girl he loved be in love with another man (his enemy who had killed his parents and sister) and yet he let her be happy (even if she was mate). After all of this torture and pain, he is still so kind and sweet and caring. He still think he isn't enough even though he sacrificed so much. He would rather put himself in torture than let something happen to Feyre or the Inner Circle.

And what I love most about him, is the freedom he gave Feyre. He isn't controlling like most men. He trusts Feyre and believes she can fight for herself but he will be there to protect if she needed him. Of course he cares for but isn't overprotective. Their relationship is so pure and healthy and I love it. I love how humble he is. Being the most Powerful HighLord of all the seven courts, you would expect him to be a rich snob but he is far from that.

I loved how much Feyre grew from that naive girl to a strong and badass woman. I could barely recognize her while rereading Acotar. It felt as there were two seperate girls in the two books. This is one of the best character development I have ever seen. My heart broke for what she went through. I could relate to her about some stuff minus the under the mountain scene (ofc). And I was so happy when she survived her depression and ptsd all because of Rhysand.

And I got so attached to whole inner circle, as if they were my family too. And I love Mor more than Amren because I could relate to her too besides the fact how sweet and strong she was

The whole book was a pure joy to read but my favorite parts were Starfall, The Summer Court and Court of Nightmares.

Starfall: It was such a beautiful celebration. Unlike, the ones in the spring court despite its pretty name. I loved the idea of stars falling down from the sky. Everyone was at their happiest. It was also sad to read knowing this was the first Starfall Rhys had after Amrantha. The fact that she knew how much it meant to him and yet she made him service her without his consent and on purpose. My hatred is like a burning sun. Moving on, I squealed at the moment when Mor and Feyre were talking and then Rhys came up behind them. My heart burst of joy when Feyre heard his voice and turned around. He took her to the balcony for her to experience Starfall at its prettiest. They had their cute moments and it was the moment when they were falling in love but didn't admit it yet to each other. Rhys hadn't laughed like that in ages, pure and a real laugh like Feyre hadn't smiled filled with pure joy ever since she was turned into a fae.

Summer Court: I loved Tarquin too. And I enjoyed the feysand moments at the court. Their constant back and forth banter and flirting. That's where the famous quote " To all the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered came from.

Court of Nightmares: This scene was so sexy and made my cheeks turn a deep shade of red. I loved how Rhys gave Feyre a choice whether she wanted to join him and the play the part or stay at home. It was her own choice that made her say " I wanna do it" and yet Rhys still felt guilty. Even when it wasn't like he forced or anything. He would never do that. I enjoyed them teasing each other. I was captivated by Rhys beauty. I love the real Rhys but I lust for the "evil" Rhys, the mask that he wears to protect his loved ones.

And that ending, I wasn't expecting that. I feel bad for those who had to wait a year or more for the next book esp after that gripping yet lovely cliffhanger. I didn't had to since the whole serious was already out. It was emotional even when Feyre was pretending to be in Rhys control. They work well so together. Rhys understood her plan through that bond and he acted so well. ( he actually deserves an oscar for his great acting of a bad guy). Tears rolled down my cheeks when the bond snapped and Feyre fell down to her knees, screaming in pain. Even Rhys. Sara tricked us but I was so grateful for that. That chapter in Rhys pov (the only chapter) was so precious. I was shook when he declared that Feyre is his Highlady and equal and the bond was never broken. It was just the bargain. And I loved how cunning Feyre. She is so smart and badass. Pretending to be in love with Tamlin (her ex), only to take him down along with his court.

This book brings me pure joy and reading it for the second time gave me a different perspective. I noticed things I didn't before. This time, I knew about Rhy's backstory so it was more emotional than the first time. And I didn't think of this sooner but I have a theory that Jurain knew all along that Rhys wasn't Amrantha's whore but was raped by her (sobs and gets angry). Esp, when he mentioned that he was forced to watch everything that bitch did due to the ring she made out of his eye. And he was the only one who was shocked when Feyre was pretending to hate Rhys. He knew since he screamed "What?'' when she told the king to break the bond.

Damn, this is the longest review I have ever written. No regrets though.

If you have read this far, be sure to follow my goodreads for more reviews. Link in my bio.

[paulwalltran]

Dungeons and Dragons Loneliness

Another interview with lofi music. Today was a pretty shitty day, alot on my mind. Here to unload. 

Today’s mood: Fuck it all...

It’s a mad addiction, a horrendous one. It’s all I think about, it’s all I want to talk about. Or almost anything fantasy related. I’ve recently gotten a little closer with one of my co workers. Delerner Banks, everyone calls him Del. He’s always in the tunnel, and always brings warhammer books to read and do work (whatever it is he’s working on.) We talk about fantasy related things all the time, and sometimes we bounce ideas off each other, feeling out our thoughts of settings and lore. Talking to him about some fantasy before leaving work made me feel alot better. The loneliness inside has been eating at me.

I know it’s salt, I know its jealousy, that I’m mad at my friends. They been hanging out more without me, playing cards and shit. Its not a passion of mine, its fun sometimes, but its still not me. Its what they bond over, its what they do together, and that’s what theyre into. If I had to guess, they’re okay with Dungeons and Dragons, but even my best friend said that I take it too serious. Its fallen out of their favor, it eats up a lot of time, and they each have their version of what a fun campaign would be like. In me, I said to myself, “Fine, fuck it. I’ll have to assemble another crew to play with.” Tough situation then isn’t it? Wanting to play a social game that needs bodies, during an age where social gatherings are frowned upon, because they carry a potential to spread a virus... Still, this is what I want to do. I want a group of friends, who share the same passion I do. My current friends must think ill of me, they may just want to hang out. They think that if they come hang with me, I’ll want a game of DnD without a doubt. They just want to chill and kick it, they don’t want to roll dice. But ask me once and I’ll tell you yes twice, to playing DnD. 

I love it with all my heart, all of the contents and materials are here, ready to play. No extra investments, no money needed to be spent, we can get going off of nothing like we did back then. A table top roleplaying game, we started with cardboard and lego figures, and just two books to share. But there was fun to be had, and a few heated sessions. But fun it was, the more we played the deeper i grew fond of the game. I’m even willing to experiment with other systems if I have someone to guide me. With cards, you gotta constantly update your arsenal to keep up with the meta, and let’s be real, not playing anything remotely close to meta isn’t as fun. Different formats allow different decks, and to keep current you gotta keep up. I dont have the fundings for it, I dont have the luck. I would rather buy a module that’ll last for years, versus a pack of cards. I have two books that have skyrocketed in value, cards go up and down like stocks. But thats the appeal I suppose, I don’t care for it though.

Back to the thing at hand, I’m in their group chat as they make plans. I can’t be there for all that. But fuck it, that’s all Im going to say. Fuck it, on repeat, until its engraved into my head. Pride is getting the best of me, I refused to be denied again. If it’s not something they want to do, so be it, I need to look out for me in the end.  I must muster up the courage to start playing online again, the first one wasn’t bad, but it fell apart. I need to get the courage to be social, and get over the fear that everyone expects you to be a pro player. I’m scared going into this green still, roll20 isn’t my forte. But if I want to play DnD, this seems to be my only option. It may fulfill my wish, to find friends who are just as passionate as I. My other friends, they’re over on the other side. Its fine, it truly is, they have one another, and I need to be strong. I need to find the strength in this loneliness, even though its tearing me apart. My circle becomes smaller, thats just the way of the world. Adapt to survive, be formless like water...

Dungeons and Dragons, my greatest escape. I can be anybody, and do things I normally can’t. I can clobber up bad guys, indecent folk, and finesse my way out of punishment from the law. I can save a village, a town, a kingdom, when I can hardly save myself. I can fly, cast spells, break locks, imagination is my only limit. I can hoard and amass vast amounts of riches, I myself can even become a dragon. I don’t have to be me, although a bit of me resides in everyone I’ve made before. I can never truly separate myself, from those Ive breathed life into. For hours on end, I can go anywhere, do anything, I melt into the world thats placed before me.

 Because the reality is that I’m practically shit, and nobody. The world is fucked up and jacked up and spiraling down the drain. I’m mentally fucked and my physicality is pretty much the same. I’m stuck in place when the world is demanding me to change. I lost with no real direction. No map in hand, no guide, and I’m scared out of my mind. I don’t know whether to trust the process or commit suicide. Im not sure where I’ll end up, if it’s good or bad. Im struggling, I’m suffering, and there seems to be no end. I could say I’m trying, but I would be lying, if I had to look at the brighter side. The positive things in life are so hard to identify. But my emotions are raw and hit hard, slamming against the walls in my skull. Demanding me to give them attention...and attention I give them, as they tear me up. Like being pulled at by the limbs, drawn and quartered is the method it seems like today. I was thinking that I couldn’t drink forever, my body would eventually reject. But what if I drank energy drinks on end, a heart attack to get me out of this place. I can down those all day long, so whats stopping me from taking that way out of it? Less grotesque and violent, it’ll probably be painful as hell. An organ seizing up, as the body ceases the function. I get said thinking about it sometimes, but one day, enough will be enough. But damn that lady...damn her for speaking those words... Tomorrow. If nothing is better by tomorrow, then do as you may. But sleep it off, tomorrow is another day. 

It’s not verbatim, but its the gist. Just wait for tomorrow, and hopefully things will change. The choice is still mine to make, and something in me pushes me forward, keeps me going on. Sometimes I think about who I’m leaving behind, and maybe how much it’ll hurt. The evil darkness inside me says that they’ll get over it, they have to, and time doesn’t wait. I won’t be immortalized, I’ll simply end up a statistic. That maybe itll be a few years the sadness remains fresh, but wounds always heal. Discrediting my actual existence, and any form of relations. Like I wouldn’t have made any actual impressions, people don’t weep for me now. People kind of forget I exist already, what makes me think they won’t after I’m gone? 

I think about my folks, my grandma, my girlfriend, my second family, and other close dear friends. I think about how many last will letters I would have to put out there, before I call for the curtains. Sometimes, I say I will start writing them, but they give me pause. I end up not wanting to leave this world, after pouring out my heart. Because I don’t want to leave any questions behind for people who matter, I want them to know how I felt before I passed. I want to leave with them apart of me, so they would never forget. 

Still it doesn’t change, shit is rough as of lately, work has been eating me up. I feel like Im never hundred percent, and me back on gaming is making it worst. I’ve gotten back onto Elder Scrolls Skyrim, its been my virtual version of DnD. Waiting for the Outer World Expansion, so I can get addicted to that again. All I want to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, the question is how do I make that into a living? I think being a Matthew Mercer is one in a million, I don’t think I’m that great. I’m willing to learn, grow, evolve because it is my passion, but I’m always scared of making mistakes. To be one of the greater Dungeon Masters, to be THE Wizards of the Coast Dungeon Master, it may possibly be the dream. To eat, sleep, breathe, Dee en Dee. My obsession isn’t that crazy though, I’m still behind on the lore of creatures and settings, I haven’t studied at all. But with the right drive and motivation, I would, especially with something as real as a legit group.

Enthusiastic players, who show up every week, bi weekly, once every month even, to play this fantastic game. Group of chill folks who is willing to take the Dungeon Master Mantle with I get burned out and have the desire to be in the player seat. One of those is the driving force, they make me want to plan. They make me want to make the world, the style, everything in general better, with the constructive feedback. I mean it’s been so long as I was a player in a campaign until the end, I’m beginning to think paying for a Dungeon Master wouldn’t be so bad. Once a month? A couple of hours? I mean I’m thinking like seven USD per hour? Eight isn’t bad, but after that it becomes a questionable amount. It repeats in my head, “No DnD is better than Bad DnD”, this much is probably still true. I say still because I still might want at least one session with said game, so I can at least say it was the worst after having attempt it, rolling something. Ha ha, I kid myself, I’m lying because I know the rage would be all to real and caution is my game most of the time. But I mean, I just might have to start exploring the idea, I was definitely going to ask on FaceBook if any Roll20 games was recruiting a newbie. 

Alas, today won’t be the last time I speak on the matter, Dungeons and Dragons haunt me everyday. I stare at minis, I stare at the upcoming books and modules, and I watch youtube where they tell RPG Horror Stories, Its become a huge part of my life, such as dancing once was. It almost links right into my earliest talents...writing. I love to write, just like I’m doing now. Im fairly decent at the writing game if I must say. Hey, real life failed Bard here, I should make one who always ends up playing big bro, and end up being friendzoned by all his interests. Im short, so Halfling is very true. Am I charismatic? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I feel like this is what I need, a solid weekly game, maybe once every two weeks, hell, once every month would still be great. Something to look forward to the very least, in this life of routine and mundane. Something to look forward to for me, something that’s my own. Something I don’t need my closer friends to be apart of, since they’re not interested anyhow. I’m really talking shit because I’m hella salty, but at least I’m being upfront. Get it all out now, before the typing is done. 

It’s been a productive session, I may have to attribute it to Lofi it seems. The Lofi Hip Hop Radio on YouTube, also found on Spotify. Some tracks still strike me deep in the chest, giving me horrible flash backs and feeling in my chest. Others keep me going, forward, almost propelling. I’m currently training myself to be accustomed to the sounds, because I at first was very scared. That it would just transport me to a dark place and keep me there. I’ve been trying to confront my feelings more with this music, I think I felt better after last session like this. The more I faced myself, the better I became. Yes, I most definitely referenced Persona 4, another amazing and loved title because of the message it portrays. I always wondered what my shadow self would look like, and what they would say. But eh another time, I’m about to start rambling again. I have to conclude here, before I get off topic.

Until next time Tumblr...

[promisenolies]

So... I never want to forget what BTS Chicago Night One was like... the pictures and video will help that I got.. but I wanted more. Something concrete...so I wrote this: 

I have sincere doubts that I’ll ever be able to accurately describe what going to BTS’s Speak Yourself show in Chicago on May 11, 2019 meant to me. Part of being able to convey why it was such a life-altering experience for me would include y’all having an understanding as to why I love these guys so much, what their music, and general existence means to me. And that, is a task that is beyond my capabilities…but I’ll try.

               I didn’t know what I was missing. I shrugged my daughter off when she’d try to tell me about them or get me to listen to their music. I didn’t understand why anyone would listen to music outside of their native language. How do you even enjoy it? But then…in July…I heard Fake Love on the radio while on my way to a Hanson String Theory show. Something about it called to me. I jumped in and started reading lyrics (as the message is always my number one concern—after having a good groove/sound) …and I fell in love. –Do you know how hard it is to find a great beat and fat bass WITHOUT sexually degrading lyrics? Damn near impossible until BTS for me. Instead of ���bitches, hos, money, drugs, and pimping’ they’re singing about chasing dreams, rejecting status quo, finding home with those you love and who love you, about love, relationships, and connection. They sing a wide range—pop, pop/rock, rap, hip-hop…it keeps my many moods quite satisfied.  Their music fully transcends language. You can just FEEL it, so deeply, so wholly, you don’t need to know every last word to get the message.

Then, I fell in love with THEM. I fell in love with their message of loving ourselves, speaking our truths, of not trying to meet anyone else’s expectations, to do what makes YOU happy. They are so engaged, humble, gracious, and kind. They’re funny and dorky. They’re reflective and intellectual. They’re driven and talented.

               Yes, they’re a “boy band.” Yes, they dance and wear ‘costumes.’ But these boys also write and produce their own stuff (with others as well…but still—active participants!) and always sing live. They give 110% for a minimum of two hours-even to the point of getting sick/passing out/injuring themselves.

               And the fan base!! Holy mother! Sure I feel a little isolated here in small town MN in my love for these boys (aside from my kid, my cousin’s kid, and a few friends of theirs) but the fan base is MASSIVE. And incredibly welcoming (for the most part). There’s drama of course—I mean, there are at least 20 million of us. But it’s pretty easy to stay out of and find people to connect with. It’s one thing to know there’s a network of us online… it’s a completely different thing to experience it.

               Which, I guess, brings me to this past weekend. After a roughly 8 hour drive, we arrived in Chicago. Right away, the streets were sprinkled with ARMIES—BTS and BT21 gear proudly worn and displayed. A sense of belonging and home seeped in. And that’s not a new sensation for me, as I’ve felt that every time I went to Tulsa, or Back To The Island or any other Hanson event/show. It’s a beautiful feeling. We got checked in and decided to head to Soldier Field as the merch lines were already open and apparently essentially non-existent. The field area had a small number of ARMY milling about, nothing too crazy. We stopped and took a picture of a few BTS banners, then found the merch area. And yeah, after less than a half hour later we were at the front of the line, mostly certain of our merch choices. I pretty much wanted it all, but had to limit myself. We wandered a bit more, and that’s when it finally started to sink in…I was in the same city as seven men who had altered my emotional well being over the last 10-11 months, I would be seeing them LIVE in around 12 hours. I was quickly overwhelmed and started to cry. It feels somewhat embarrassing to say, and I don’t even fully understand what it was that overwhelmed me so much. The rest of the evening was pretty chill—grabbed some dinner and mentally tried to prepare ourselves for the next day.

               The next day we went back down to Soldier field—equipped with layers and an umbrella because the weather was turning cold and rainy. When we arrived we knew we made the right call by going to get merch the afternoon before because the merch line was RIDICULOUS – we’re talking thousands of people in line. There were multiple merch locations—all with the same size lines! But we wanted to get pictures done at the BTS Studio – a very neat little booth where you get to “interact” with one of the guys via a sort of hologram like thing, but the pictures turn out so freaking legit I was dying to get one. ….however….BigHit/Mattel (I don’t know who made this call..but!) cut off the general line after we waited for two hours. There were at least a couple hundred more behind us waiting, as well as about a hundred in front of us, and there were five hours left before doors opened to the stadium so it literally made ZERO sense to cut the line. BTS SOLD OUT Soldier Field (roughly 70,000 seats) and they only allowed 250 general people into the studio (there were more QR holders—which tons of ARMY tried for an only a few got) … it was a disaster. I suppose I would have been less angry had it not been so ungodly COLD out. We certainly did not plan for 40 degree weather in MAY.

               We decided to hop an Uber and go back to the hotel until showtime. After lunch we drove downtown to check out the BTS Pop-up Store situation, and then made a quick decision to avoid that line as it literally wrapped around an entire downtown Chicago city block – INSANE—but beautiful. So, back to the hotel. The weather was not clearing up, and I was starting to worry about the show—both for our comfort but also and more importantly the guys’ safety. Wet stages are slippery and these boys don’t hold back, the risk of injury was high. So, we joked and tweeted a bit about how Yoongi (Suga) needed to say out loud that he wanted the rain to stop and skies to clear because anything Yoongi says out loud tends to happen – saying he wanted BTS to win daesangs (Korean absolute top awards – they now have 15 from 2016 to 2018) saying he wanted to go to the Grammys (and they presented at this year’s Grammy Awards) saying he wanted Billboard top 200 (done) Billboard top 100 (done) A Billboard Music Award (done x4 – three top social artist and this years top group award). So we called on Yoongi to say he didn’t want the rain… and while the boys may have said it was the power of ARMY that cleared the skies I still say it was Yoongi.

               When we got into the venue another rush of realization hit me when I saw how CLOSE to the stage we were. I may have missed out on the VIP tickets (thanks to the stupid ticketmaster app freezing on my phone) but level 100 was INCREDIBLE. Absolutely astounding really. We got our ARMY Bombs paired to our seats and then waited. They play music videos while we wait, and it was amusing to have fans scream for those as well – and indicative of how insane it was going to be once all the fans were in and seated because it was loud even with just around a few thousand inside. My brain still couldn’t quite comprehend that I was about to see BTS live, that I was as close as I was, and that it wasn’t a dream.

               The thing about it is…once it started, I had no idea what to do. Do I watch the stage, do I watch the screen, do I not try to capture any video or pictures and just dance, sing, and scream? I tried to do all of those options, but I still feel like I missed so much. I feel like it all went so quickly.

               They opened with DIONYSUS – from their new album Map of the Soul: Persona. A heavy hitting, party-anthem type song. A great opener to get the crowd hyped up (as if we needed the help) The pyrotechnics warmed it up a bit when they went off (holy shit we really were close!) The stage was amazing! Large silver leopards behind them, Greek pillars adorning the sides…totally fitting of Dionysus.

               They transitioned straight into NOT TODAY—another heavy hitter for bass, power, and intense choreo. Theses guys BURST into their stage presence, taking no prisoners and leaving us all breathless and trembling. The sensation of hearing tens of thousands of other fans screaming with you, singing with you, and doing fan chants for the guys…well, that’s a feeling I’ve never felt before.

               My first round of tears started when they did their introductions/welcome speeches. Let’s be honest, I’m Jimin biased through and through. He will always hold the biggest part of my heart out of the seven. And, honestly, I thought he was the most beautiful being I’d ever seen…but to see him in person…holy mother, there is no comparing it. He’s absolutely ethereal. An angel just walking among us. But each of their moments touched me, made me smile or laugh or just bask in the feel of love they send to us. And then…WINGS. I was so excited to know that they were performing Wings as it’s one of my favorite songs and I worried I’d never hear it live since it’s an older one. My teary-eyed state did not go away once they started it, even though it’s an upbeat song. There’s just something about BTS singing about facing fears and chasing dreams, having their wings spread and taking them to where they want to go…feeling that it was the work of ARMY helping them get there…but I know for a fact that ARMY also feel that BTS are our wings too—the way we feel encouraged and empowered to live authentically and without apology, to chase dreams and find our passions.

               A small break and then we got J-Hope’s solo JUST DANCE Hobi is a great entertainer, clearly loves the stage and his passion for dance is legitimately felt through the entire stadium. After J-Hope we got an iconic performance of EUPHORIA by Jungkook. Kookie is stunning! Absolutely beautiful. He goes from adorable baby bunny to professional rockstar in half a second. His vocals are solid and his choreo locked down. But who thought up the crazy idea of hanging onto a giant hook-like-thing and just soaring over the crowd on a cable!? My mama bear heart struggled with that, fam. But he did great and seems to really enjoy it so we’ll let it pass.

               BEST OF ME!! Ugh, another song I was DESPERATE to hear live and worried I never would. A stellar performance! The energy was still high with them and us, everyone singing along and dancing. So many of their songs are “one of my favorites” but this one definitely is. And I was GIDDY hearing it live. And yes, the answer call between Jimin and Jungkook was a highlight.  

               Clear the stage, play a quick video… and then… SERENDIPITY. This experience STILL feels like it didn’t happen. Jimin singing live… wow… just… I lack words to express Jimin and his performance. His choreography is always some of the most intricate and demanding and yet he does it flawlessly while maintaining his angelic vocals. He didn’t get the title main dancer by chance. The level of professionalism is incredible. You can tell he feels so loved by ARMY, his smile is so genuine and gracious as he’s absorbing all our cheering and screaming…and yeah, maybe a little bit of sobbing. He’s a soft, sweet person and an absolute powerhouse on stage—even with a ballad such as Serendipity.

               And then RM brings us back up in energy with his solo LOVE. They’re all great performers, and RM is no exception. It’s hard to capture a good picture of him because he’s constantly moving on the stage, making rounds to every corner. Another beautiful moment to be chanting “salam salam salam (person person person) and salang salang salang (love love love)” with tens of thousands of fans… it’s quite overwhelming.

               BOY WITH LUV is like a blur for me. They all looked AMAZING. I loved the mix of pink and blue clothing. I probably missed a ton of moments through that song because my brain short circuited, I tried to get some pictures but the movement is so constant that not many of them turned out. Strong vocals, a ton of fun together, an all around great performance.

               From the newest to some old school – DOPE followed Boy With Luv. I love the energy and power in Dope. I also loved the cute little moment I got on video between Jimin and Jungkook. Dope blended into BAEPSAE and FIRE … this medley is INSANE. I LOVE watching the guys freestyle their dancing and then effortlessly joining formation and nailing the song’s choreography. It’s stupidly impressive. JHope jumped out and attacked us all with some power dancing and then the dreaded/desired hip thrusting.

               I got absolutely zero pictures or video from IDOL because I was so enraptured by them on stage. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. It was pretty neat as Idol faded out, they went back to the top of the stage then went full in to the Idol choreography again. Like a second dance break when it appeared the song was over. Another small break and then Tae (V) comes out in pajamas on a freaking bed. The crowd lost their minds. It was a stunning performance of SINGULARITY, and I’m really hoping I can find video of the small dance break he has in it where he flung off the jacket. Sometimes Tae fades a little into the background but this performance wasn’t one of those times.

               After Singularity we got a seamless transition into FAKE LOVE—another song I have zero pics or video from because the whole thing was an experience. Seriously. Damn. From the strong, solid vocals to the hard hitting, precise choreo, to the passionate fan chants…Fake Love was perfection. …And do I really need to mention Jungkook’s abs? Oofta. I was utterly enraptured by this performance. Also, since Fake Love was the comeback I came into the fandom during, it holds a unique place in my heart.

               I don’t remember Fake Love ending, but I do remember the next song starting. SEESAW. Shit. Again, I shall remind you that Jimin is by bias—always has been always will be. But I’d be a bold-faced LIAR if I tried to say that Yoongi isn’t the most amazing performer I’ve ever seen. They are all phenomenal. But Yoongi has something extra. Something you don’t expect from him. He often flies a little under the radar, not often the highlight of red-carpet appearances or interviews, fairly soft-spoken. But when he hits the stage—watch out! Min Yoongi was BORN to be on stage. Even with a softer song, and less intense choreography Suga owns it. He commands all attention. He’s claimed in the past that he can’t “sing”, since he’s a rapper, but Seesaw (and First Love—his solo from Wings) prove otherwise. Gorgeous. I was speechless, and a bit teary watching him.

               And if I wasn’t already an emotional mess by then, Jin gets the stage to perform EPIPHANY. Oh my heart!! This was a song that when I first heard it, my heart and soul KNEW it was intense and it touched me instantly. And then, when I listened again with subs/lyrics I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown. Epiphany live was like the first time all over again. And to be surrounded by tens of thousands of other fans singing “I’m the one I should love…” Well, cue me crying.  A message of needing to love yourself before being able to find love with anyone else…well that’s a message we all need to take to heart. A stellar performance. An emotional experience.

               But then! Then you know what they did!? When we’re already emotional hot messes? They go into THE TRUTH UNTOLD. Whhyyyy!? Why would you do that to us!? The Truth Untold is a transcendent song, no way around it. A song about feelings of inadequacy, of being rejected if people knew who we really were, hiding behind masks because we’re so afraid… God, just rip out my heart. And our dear vocal line (Jimin, Jungkook, Jin, and Tae) were so lovely and beautiful and somber. The song has no choreo, no fancy stages… just four guys singing their absolute hearts out.

               Cue the rap line (Suga, RM, and JHope) coming to pull us from our emotional state with OUTRO: TEAR. Oh lord, as it started there was a woman the row behind us who asked her friend, “what song is this?” and her friend was so offended! She screamed, “Tear, bitch!” It was slightly hilarious. All three rappers dominate the stage, and having never been to a live rap show before, I gotta say the ability to maintain the flow at the speed they do is impressive. TEAR flowed into MIC DROP and ooooooh how I lost my mind! MIC DROP was the song that really got me to jump into the BTS scene head first. It’s always been a favorite, will always be a favorite. I tried to get video, but I couldn’t stop dancing so it’s pretty bad video. (also, no one wants to hear my horrible voice fan chanting and singing along) The choreography to MIC DROP kills me. The choreo (and the song itself) just screams “we’re badass and we have no apologies” so get on board or get the hell out.

               A small pause so that they could set up the guys’ giant Anpanman bounce house! ANPANMAN has always been a fun song and a great live performance, but it hit a new level when you get to watch the guys play on a giant bounce house. It’s easy to forget how young they all are and how much of their youth they kind of missed out on as they chased this dream. I mean, Jungkookie is only 21 now, was 15 when they debuted. Jin, the oldest is only 26 and was 20 at debut. They lost a lot of freedom and playful years as they trained for debut. It’s freaking adorable to watch them play on stage. Even cuter when Yoongi goes from savage rapper in MIC DROP to soft and playful on the inflatable. Jungkook chased Jimin to the top, did a little dance and then they slid down (JK after Jimin though I think he had wanted to go down together)

               Anpanman transitions into SO WHAT which is truly a sight to see. No set choreo, just the guys dancing along every last inch of the stage to spread their love to everyone in the stadium. Playful moments, a lot of laughter. It’s BTS being authentically them. And I love it.

               We all got a bit emotional during the closing speeches. Jin being classic Jin and screaming AARRRMMMYYYY at us, “today is so cold, you know…thank you for coming out today even though it’s cold and rainy, I’d like to hug you with my warm heart” (and he hugs JK) “I actually really hate being cold, I was so happy though because I was with you, Army. I LOVE YOU ARMY!!” Jimin showing us how floored he was by our presence, soaking in our cheers—eyes wide and smile bright. “I’m so so happy today. But! I hope you guys don’t catch a cold.” He then essentially points a finger at us, daring our immune systems to go against his wishes.  (the screams overtake the next part of his speech so I’m not positive as to what he said) Jimin always finishes with “I love you” and lots of hearts. Jungkook and his adorable bunny smile, acted shy when it was his turn. He starts with “…It’s been awhile. I know it’s was rainy and cold, rainy and chilly…but you warmed my heart. I hope you also felt warm energy from us. One more thing, please, don’t catch a cold. Alright? See you all again!”  Suga – commanding the stage once again. “Chicago make some noise! I heard it’s actually really cold in Chicago but I didn’t know it was going to be this cold. But because of you Army, you guys melted this place. Chicago make some noise! Today’s going to be such an unforgettable day. Thank you so much for coming out today, see you tomorrow!”  JHope: “My lovely Chicago!! Did we have fun today? Since it was raining hard, and cold, I was worried for you all. However, as I was watching all of you, having fun, with your smiles on your face, my worries disappeared and I gained my power back. Army, you guys are my hope, you’re my hope, thank you so much Army Chicago, see you tomorrow.”   Tae: “How you feeling Chicago? Make some noise. A few days ago I had a dream about chasing some stars and this scenery was exactly my dream. I really wanted to chase and make sure to grab a star. I want to keep this scenery forever (Tae fooled me and I thought his speech was over so my video stopped)…ssshhhh…we will come again next year!”  RM: (gets bundled up by Tae, fans chant KIM NAMJOON) “My parents are gonna love this.” (in response to the chanting) “Guys, welcome to the first BTS winter concert. You might catch a cold, it’s freezing but whatever, it’s special right!? It’s fresh. It’s Chicago. Is the weather a serious problem for us? So right before we get onto the stage, like during the sound check, um while we were coming to the stage it was raining a lot and like these friends and every staff were so worried that it was raining and maybe we might do the little dance not very good, so we were worried, but I told them ‘don’t worry Chicago army is going to stop the rain.’ And you guys did! Seriously you guys gave us a miracle and I love this special weather in Chicago. So when the snow comes in Korea I’ll definitely think of Chicago. …”

               And then they came right for my heart and soul performing MAKE IT RIGHT and MIKROKOSMOS. Two of my absolute favorite songs off the new album. Sweet, personal, emotional. And the realization that this euphoric experience was coming to an end and I started to lose my composure during MIKROKOSMOS. “Shine, dream, smile” …always for you boys, always for you.

It was around this time that Jimin stood at the corner of the stage facing my section and started to blow kisses. And I teared up because somehow, in a crowd of thousands of people the way Jimin sends his love into the crowd every last one of us feels like the ONLY one of us at that moment in time. You just FEEL the pure love emanating from him...and it’s a feeling unlike any other. A feeling I’ll never forget. 

               I still don’t think, almost 4000 words later, that I’ve even scrapped the surface of how incredible that night was for me. How touched I was not just by the band, but by being surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people of all ages, races, nationalities, sexual orientations, classes, genders who love them just as much as I do. BTS is so much more than seven beautiful men who dance well. BTS is connection and love. BTS is inspiration and encouragement. BTS isn’t a phase, they’re making an impact far beyond what anyone imagined. Music with a message? It’s been far too long since we’ve had that. BTS is like a long drink of fresh water after being stranded in a desert.

               BTS – Seven lights in an otherwise dreary and sad world, reminding us to find our own lights and share it with the world.

[tessxomarie]

Saving You - Part III

*Hello loves! This is Part III, we get to meet Kendra and read a little bit into more of Leah’s backstory. Bear with me here, I promise all of the details mentioned have meaning in future parts! For now, enjoy!*

A few hours pass by since I left the clubhouse. As soon as I got home, I showered and changed into a pair of old raggedy pajama shorts and an old Chicago Cubs t-shirt. Chicago is where I’m originally from, at least that’s where I was born and raised until I was 5.

I hear a knock at my door, and sure enough it’s my girl Kenz.

I open the door and let her in and give her a weird look as she has a key to my place.

“My hands are full, I couldn’t reach for my key.” She says laughing, and then I look down and see she has a million bags.

“What the hell did you bring?” I ask eagerly as she passes by me and into my home.

She plops one bag on the couch and takes everything else into the kitchen. “Well, my overnight bag for one because I plan on getting wine drunk and I ain’t going anywhere. Secondly, I had to stop and get our favorite men – Ben & Jerry, and I also picked up some stuff to make tacos, because you know I’m Mexican and I can make tacos in my sleep.” She explains as she places all of the items on my kitchen table.

I cannot stop laughing because Kendra always makes me laugh. It’s just her personality, she rarely takes anything seriously. She is the literal definition of zero fucks given, but the girl demands respect. She was one of my first friends I made in nursing school. Actually, she was my only friend I had made at that point, and by the grace of God we were able to come up through the ranks together. Kendra has been my side through a lot of shit. She’s had her fair share of family shit and guy drama, but she’s always been there for me – no questions asked.

“I was just going to order us a pizza.” I say, staring in awe at the groceries she has brought over.

“Well, think of it this way – you save some money on food tonight and you can repay me by holding my hair back when I hug the toilet later.”

“That’s fair.” I reply, and we shake on it.

Kendra takes over my kitchen as she preps the tacos, and I assist. We have our usual girl talk banter, because even at 26, we still act like teenagers.

“So, did you go to the club today?” She asks.

“Yup. They called before I was even walking out of the clinic.” I say as I dice up some onions.

“EZ and Angel?” She asks without missing a beat.

“EZ and Angel.” I repeat and nod.

Kendra, although she has no direct blood ties to the club, she is still clued in on myconnections – she knows everything, it was part of the deal Marcus and I worked out.

“Who started it this time?” She asks as she seasons the meat in the pan.

“I honestly don’t even know, EZ had a nasty cut on his face but Angel took a nasty beating as well.”

Kendra just rolls her eyes as she knows how immature this whole ordeal is.

“Did Angel thank you this time?” She asks even though she already knows the answer to that. I stop dicing the onions and stare at her with my “really?” face.

She puts her hands up and says “You know, I was kinda hoping for a miracle. You’d think after cleaning up his messes for the fourth time in a month, a ‘thank you’ would accidentally escape his lips as if he truly is thankful for someone who gives a damn.”

I let out a sarcastic laugh, “I’m just doing my job because it’s what I do for the club. They save my ass when I need them too, and I save theirs.” I say pouring all the veggies together in one big mixing bowl.

“When have they had to save your ass, Lee?” Kendra asks with a quirked brow.

Before I can even respond, she answers for me “exactly, they haven’t. You’ve held up your end of the deal, the least Angel can do is fucking say thank you – he’s such an asshole.”

One would think that after all of the disrespect Angel has thrown my way these last eight months, I wouldn���t give him a thought after I fix him up. It’s hard to explain, but he’s like a puzzle to me and I highly dislike how I cannot figure it out. He doesn’t go out of his way to bully me or anything, it’s nothing like that. It’s just, he doesn’t really care to acknowledge my existence whenever I’m around, and he’s the only member to do so.

Kendra lets out a chuckle, “Okay enough MC talk, let’s eat like the hangry fat girls we are.”

We end up laughing most of the night, stuffing our faces with tacos and wine, oh and catching up on some trash tv.

“How does someone let a so-called doctor inject cement into their face?!” I exclaim and look at Kendra with a major what the royal fuck face as we watch an episode of Botched on E!

“It’s like a nasty car wreck out on the 405, I don’t want to look but I can’t stop staring. Look at their cheeks, like legit cement is in there. How? Why? But like seriously why are we watching this? Isn’t there some cheesy romcom we can watch?” Kendra suggests as she snatches the remote from my hand.

“Bad Moms, perfect.” She says as she tosses the remote on the other side of my sectional.

I take another sip of my wine and tilt my head back, simply enjoying this moment – a quiet night in with my best friend.

“We’re going to be cool moms like these bitches. Right?” Kendra asks as she takes a bite out of a cookie that came out of nowhere.

“Cool moms are the only options, babe.” I answer, and we clink our glasses.

“I know you and I both got shit on in the mom department, but I really don’t want that to hang over our heads when we have kids. Like, if I see you slipping up, I will go full hoodrat Kendra on you.” She announces, and let me just say, hoodrat Kendra is a real thing.

“I promise, I’m not going to be like Briana. I can’t be. Also, if I see you being a shit mom, I’ll first smack you into next week, and if you don’t respond to that, I’ll just use my 1-800-MC card.” I say with a big smirk.

“You chicken shit, you rather call Marcus or Samcro than kick my ass?”

“Kenz, we all know you could kick my ass twice and your own ass at the same time.” I admit, and that’s the full on truth. I’ve seen Kendra scrap before, and I think everyone around Kenz should want her to be on their team.

“I’m so glad you know the true me, it will only continue to benefit you my young one.” Kendra tells me as she reaches out and touches my shoulder in a gentle way but it’s with full sarcasm.

“Okay real talk, what is the weekend plan Aleeah Starr?” Kendra asks while opening up her calendar app on her phone.

“Middle name? Really?” I say with a look, my look of ‘was that necessary?’

“Hoodrat Kenz can come out to play if you’d like.” She replies with a smile.

I laugh and eye roll, “Okay then, Kendra Sofia…” I say to her with an evil eye as I open up my calendar.

“Hmm, I’m off this weekend, all I have going on is Tessa’s birthday party on Sunday. Would you like to come?” I ask.

“Eva already called me and said she’ll see me Sunday.” Kendra says with a nervous expression on her face.

I give her a funny look, questioning why she looks like that.

“Aside from my Abuela Natalia, Eva fucking terrifies me – you just don’t say no to her.” She says deadpan.

I laugh, “A-freaking-men”.

Eva, she’s a true bad-ass. She and Marcus, I think they’re still married? They’ve spent more time apart than together in recent years, but they both love each other tremendously.

“Okay, so Sunday we can drive up together. Do you want to drive together tomorrow and go visit your dad?” Kendra asks.

I let out a big sigh, and I give her another look as Kendra knows my feelings about this subject.

“Why do you ask me this every weekend?” I plead.

“Lee, he’s still your dad. Prison jumpsuit and all, he’s still your dad and he still loves you.”

“I haven’t seen him in a while.” I confess.

Kendra nods, “I know, that’s why I asked if you want to go.”

“I don’t know Kenz, I just feel the older I get and the longer he’s in there, that Father/Daughter connection dies each day. He doesn’t even want to see me half the time.”

“He just hates the situation he’s in, babes. He got a shit deal, but we both know you’re still the light of his life.”

I rub my eyes, trying to keep it together yet again.

“I just don’t know how I would feel going up there now, especially when I’ve dealt with so much shit from the club. I don’t need anyone on the inside seeing me talk to my cop father turned inmate. That’s just asking for me to get someone killed or get myself killed.”

“Aleeah Starr Parker.” Kendra says with her eyes rolling, and I am deeply confused.

“What?”

“Are you so exhausted that you forgot who is even protecting your dad?” Kendra asks, and I palm my face.

“No, I didn’t forget…well maybe for a second.” I admit.

“Lorenzo has Jesse’s back, okay? Our dads are prison buds! How poetic is that?” She says as she pulls me in for a cheesy hug.

I give off a look of disgust, because Kendra is never this touchy feely. But my facial expression does not stop Kenz from continuing on.

“Oh, stop that, give your best friend a hug and smile. Hell, could you even bother to laugh? Come on, if we can’t laugh that our fathers are both in prison, our moms are both dead due to their stupid choices, we would be miserable unsuccessful sluts working on a pole for a living.”

Kendra has a big grin on her face, and she keeps giving me the famous Kendra look – the one where it always makes me smile because she knows how to make me smile; that’s what a best friend is for.

I do end up laughing, quite a bit.

“Thanks for making me laugh, I needed it.” I say looking at Kendra with a puppy dog face, because I am on the verge of tears – it’s been a chaotic week, ending it with the cherry on top that is the Mayans MC. And wine always has me feeling some type of way.

“My little Lee-Lee, come here, give me another hug.” Kendra says as she pulls me in for a hug.

“Okay, time to refill. We are finishing this second bottle and then we are going to sleep like precious babies.” She says as she stands up from the couch and heads to my kitchen.

As Kendra heads to the kitchen, I look down at my wrist and I start snapping my pony-tail holder. It takes me a moment to realize what I’ve even doing or why I’m doing it.

“Breathe, Leah. Just breathe.” I whisper to myself.

“I’ll be okay, just breathe.”

[headcrossed]

A/N: no one asked for this, but I can’t stop thinking about it so here goes. Also still taking requests for these guys, if anyone’s interested!

THE RFA PLAYS DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS FOR THE FIRST TIME

SEVEN

We all know he’s the one that suggested it. Call it a team building exercise, if you will. Besides, since they’re going to be having more parties now in the future, they gotta make sure they stay strong as an organization. What better way than this?

Since no one else is experienced with this game, Seven also takes it upon himself to DM.

Even though oddly enough, he’s never really played it either... at least, not officially.

He found a rulebook when he was younger at the library, and it inspired him, but he knew he couldn’t take it home where his mom might find it.

So instead he memorized it, and when Saeran was sick he would make up a story and roleplay with him. No stats, character sheets, or anything. Just two lonely kids getting enraptured in pure imagination for a little while. It’s one of the fondest memories he has from his childhood.

I’mma be honest: Seven’s DM-ing style is basically the same as Griffin McElroy’s in TAZ.

He keeps things pretty well-balanced. Plenty of humor and shenanigans, but the more serious and emotional moments are really moving, and everyone’s surprised by this.

Zen and Yoosung and even Jaehee and V probably shed some tears over the way the story unfolds. 

He also does really good voice acting for his characters. Nowhere near on Zen’s level, like you could still kinda tell it’s him doing the voices if you couldn’t see his face, but he gets into character really easy (even Zen thinks he should audition to voice act for a game or something... ;) )

Yoosung

Aside from the obvious previous experience he might have, he probably played some one-shot campaigns with some D&D clubs on campus before. 

The first character he makes is probably a literal recreation of his LOLOL character, since it’s familiar to him, and is a good place to start with since he’s not very experienced. Besides, he’s built like a tank in LOLOL, and if he knows anything about these kinds of games, it’s that balance is key, and they need at least someone who can soak up all the damage of whatever Seven throws at them (is he afraid that he’ll make them face bosses way to big for any of them to handle and they’ll all die in the process? GOD YES)

And it turns out that concern was legit. He dies like 5 minutes in.

Scrapping that strategy, he probably will end up making a half-orc , and he ends up really enjoying this character a lot more.

Plays him... surprisingly chivalrous, probably ends up saving a princess at some point in the game.

Seven lets him romance her and... wait... HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOW!!!

The game doesn’t count, my sweet summer child

It’s a little awkward that she’s voiced by Seven,and even though he teases Yoosung about it (both in-game and out), quite often it’s really sweet, actually.

He really, REALLY wishes he could commission someone to do fan art of them, but he has no money T_T

Might ask V if he gets desperate enough... might

Believe it or not, Yoosung will actually ditch playing LOLOL for this.

He likes being able to see all his best friends gathered in one place, laughing and just having a good time. It warms his poor college student heart. 

ZEN

He’s not really sure how he was convinced to do this, but somehow he’s very into it 

He’s not very good at the numbers part of the game (and he usually has to ask Yoosung or Jaehee to help him with it), but he really shines in the roleplay department (I mean he’s an actor! If nothing else it’s a really good opportunity to work on his improv skills) 

Plays an high-elf bard, with a VERY high charisma stat. 

“Not very original, huh Zen? Trying to make life imitate art?” “Shut up, mistah trust-fund kid!”

AND HE PLAYS THEM EXACTLY HOW YOU WOULD EXPECT.

Flirts with EVERY ENEMY. To the point that Seven has to make his character have near-death experiences MANY TIMES to get him to stop. 

Still, somehow, by the end of the game he has amassed a harem of enemies who worship him for his god-like beauty. 

VOICE ACTS FOR HIS CHARACTER AND SINGS ACTUAL BARD SONGS HE’S MEMORIZED BEFORE-HAND (rest in peace, Jaehee)

Oh but he doesn’t stop there.

He COSPLAYS HIS CHARACTER, AND HIS WHOLE FANBASE GOES INSANE 

His bard now has a whole fandom and following irl too. He even made a separate social media account where he shares all the amazing fan art that people have drawn for his character. He even thinks that maybe they should start broadcasting their sessions or do a podcast. 

JAEHEE

Jaehee is an absolute beast at this game.

She’s read over the rulebook at least 20 times and knows it inside and out. 

Probably gets into arguments with Seven and maybe accidentally metagames once or twice. 

She should be dm-ing not seven what the hell are they all thinking? She knows the stats better, anyways 

She plays a rowdy dwarven paladin, and no one expected it.

Her logic is: it’s a fantasy-world. She can be whatever she wants, and she wants to smash things, be as rowdy as she likes, and be blunt and tell things like it is. 

Also she’s semi-intentionally trying to recreate a gimli and legolas style relationship with Zen’s character, go figure ;) it’s actually really sweet at the end of the day though they make a great fucking team.

Has her own special routine for dice-rolls that she believes will increase her odds of getting a better roll.

They all laugh at her for varying degrees for it but FOR SOME REASON IT WORKS AND SHE HAS CRAZY NAT 20 STREAKS SOMETIMES.

She ends up stealing a lot of Jumin’s kills, but she’s just roleplaying, after all. (Seven gives her bonus xp for good roleplaying too like yeah good for her for using this as an outlet) 

Frequents D&D forums a lot now. Thinking up new strategies and probably makes like a million new characters based on them that she may never play (but she hopes to, someday)

JUMIN

He’s heard of it before, and that’s no surprise with his extensive interest in small specialty businesses and the fact that the RFA has at least two members who have played it before. 

But alas, he has never played it himself.

He agrees because the level of spectacle that he’s seen around playing this game is astounding, and he’s intrigued. Thinks maybe he’ll get a new business idea out of it.

“So Jumin, what race are you going to play as?” Seven asks, innocently, as though he doesn’t know the answer.

“... you’ll see.” 

Everyone gets suspicious, but he keeps his poker-face as cool as ever. 

When they go around the table introducing their characters, he puts on his most serious face, puts his hands up in front of his face like paws, and introduces himself as his character: Elizabeth the 4th, Tabaxi Ranger

Zen has to leave the room to get over a sneezing fit, Jaehee’s glasses shatter, Seven straight up dies laughing on the floor. None of it matters to Jumin. He’s living the fucking dream.

All that being said, Jumin is definitely tries to take a more methodical approach to the game. He carefully plans out his strategies for the best strategical outcome. 

Although 

He actually ends up really enjoying it, at the end of the day.

You know he’s looking into premium gear for future sessions. Buys all the rulebooks and lorebooks, buys a bunch of really cool-looking handmade dice (that he personally tests himself for balance, to make sure they all roll true). He probably even commissions someone to make custom mini figurines for their characters. 

V

Like Zen, he’s also not quite sure how he got roped into doing this.

He’s never played, or ever really even HEARD of this game before, let alone understand how it works, but given an opportunity to hang out with the rest of the RFA and relax, he takes it. It sounds like fun to him anyway. 

He has to spend a lot of time making his character (this poor boy, he sees everyone else with their faces stuffed in the character stat books and he doesn’t wanna ask if he can borrow it ‘cause they need it to make their characters too and doesn’t want to interrupt them) 

When he finally DOES make a character, however. He goes with a Tiefling Druid. Not only do they look aesthetically pleasing and unique, but also he empathizes with how they’re treated by society as a whole. It’s kinda the perfect fit. 

He’s super clueless when they first start playing. 

Seven says “Roll for initiative” and he sits there like “wait... what do I do? ^^; ”

Jaehee, Jumin and Seven usually help him out and explain things as they go along.

As the game progresses he picks things up bit by bit. Turns out, he’s actually really good at roleplaying.

In the beginning, he plays his character as this cold and distant,  not really caring about anyone in the team, but over time that dissolves into unerring loyalty to the rest of the party. Probably created an elaborate backstory involving a long lost love, too.

Everyone gets super attached to V’s character.

But of course, OF COURSE

When they face the final boss of the arc, someone has to sacrifice themselves to defeat it.

V immediately volunteers, and is dealt a killing blow before any of the rest of them can so much as talk it through. 

As he dies, he says “My people only know hatred because they have been so hated. But... I’ve never felt that. Not with all of you. Thank you, for showing me that there’s hope for all of us!” and his character dies, with a smile on his face.

DAMNIT V NO

EVERYONE’S FUCKING CRYING NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID

All-in-all though, he had a really great time. 10/10 would play again. Maybe even starts constructing a story-based campaign in his head and wants to try DM-ing next time!

He’s always snapping super aesthetic photos of the sessions, and probably does a painting of all their characters together to commemorate their first campaign. 

SAERAN

Saeyoung invited him to play, but he says no. 

It’s childish and he has other things he wants to do.

Saeyoung doesn’t pressure him, and honestly he thought that would be the last he’d hear of it. 

However, Seven’s house is usually where they end up meeting to play (since no one else really has the room for it, and playing at Jumin’s house is ruled outright due to level of c-hair)

He’s a little annoyed, and thus stays in his room for most of the night, figuring he can wait the session out in his room.

But alas, the one thing he didn’t factor in was wanting some ice cream at 1 am.  

After a deep internal debate, he ultimately decides to leave his room to satisfy the craving, and unlocks his door. 

He wanders into the kitchen, surprisingly unnoticed, silently grabbing a spoon from the drawer and taking the carton of ice-cream out of the freezer, when he overhears something... familiar.

“BOOM! BOOM! Drums sound in the deep. A mighty roar soon follows, as the chamber rumbles with the sound, pieces of the construction tumbling to the floor of the ancient hall in its wake...” 

Seven roars, for effect. 

“Oh shit...” Zen says.

“Louder and louder, the sound draws nearer, until the sound stops at the foot of the barricaded door. Large shadows overcome what little faint light shone from beneath the door...”

*pushes up his glasses* “Roll for initiative”

“WHAT?!”, screams Yoosung, “WE JUST FOUGHT A CAVE TROLL! WE HAVEN’T EVEN HAD THE TIME TO RECOVER!”

“Shame...” Seven says, “If only there was one more party member... then you might have a chance...” 

Seven then looks over to the doorway, locking eyes with Saeran briefly.

Memories prickle at the back of his head. Memories of those same eyes lighting up as he told the same stories to him. He remembers getting lost in those stories, feeling happy deep down as he figured out what he would do next. He even remembers... smiling? 

He runs back into his room, and slams the door. 

And that’s the last the RFA sees of him...

Or so they think.

Half an hour later, he comes out of his room, pulls out one of the kitchen chairs, sits down and slams a hastily-printed character sheet. 

“Looks like you’re running into some trouble with that Balrog... tch. Amateurs.”

He made a Kenku Monk, chaotic neutral alignment.

And he completely destroys the boss that Seven had planned for them. 

DID SOMEONE SAY EDGELORD?

Probably splits from the party a bunch, but Saeyoung planned for that, so there’s usually a bunch of story-heavy side-quests waiting for him anyway, and they all eventually lead him back to the party somehow.

But truth be told, he’s not that mad about it.

Every opportunity he gets to describe exactly the kind of moves he’s exacting on the enemies they face, he takes. He explains it in creative, gory detail, and it shocks some of the other party members, but Seven seems cool with it.

That’s right kiddo, harness all that repressed rage. Let it out. 

He’s helping clean the kitchen after everyone’s gone when Seven asks,

“So? You going to play with us next session too?”

He pauses washing the snack dishes for a beat, and the corners of his lips start to twitch, just a little.

“Y-yeah, I-... I actually had a lot of fun.”

His brother pats him on the back, his hand still on his shoulder when he says “I’m glad! That’s what I was hoping to hear.”

“... Wait... you planned this from the beginning, didn’t you?”

The sly smirk on Seven’s face says it all. Bih you know he did

“... you little shit.”

[ceruleanoctober]

A/A: Perfect Strangers (1/?) AU Fic ~Mature Readers

She saw him watching her. It made her feel a little weird, especially since he looked away whenever she tried to meet his eyes. She knew people’s views on breastfeeding in public varied wildly, from those who would commend to those who would condemn. The fact he was feeding an infant roughly the same age as hers put him somewhere closer to the acceptance side of things.

More like he was attempting to feed the infant, she thought. Once she actually paid attention, she realised he was struggling. As if on cue, the child in his arms let loose with an eardrum shattering screech that made everyone in the area jump. Her own child was startled off her breast and responded with a wail of her own.

“Shhhh,” she cooed. She shifted, fully exposing herself as she repositioned her daughter, pinching and rolling her nipple to encourage the latch. A few feet away, the man with the fussy child gave an exasperated sigh and leaned back, bottle in his hand, his body stiff with frustration, worry, and defeat.

She had seen him around the complex. She didn't know his name, but she was pretty sure he was a musician. And he lived with the nurse, Ann. Now that she realised who he was, she realised she hadn't seen Ann out with the baby for a few days. She'd assumed she'd gone back to work.

She looked down at her own child, her tiny fists pushing against her, refusing to relatch. She ran a finger over the baby’s cheek and found herself wondering what that guy’s story was. He obviously had no idea how to manage the baby by himself. He'd probably never been around kids. What was Ann thinking, leaving the baby with him?

It was clear Ainsley wasn't going to continue feeding, leaving April with her breast swollen. She didn't have her pump with her, but there was nothing to be done about it. Even if the other baby's crying was causing her to leak. That was why she had a padded bra. She put Ainsley in her carrier and put her bra and shirt back to rights. She didn't have anywhere to be, or really anywhere to go but home, but she realised she couldn't do that. Not without at least offering to help. The poor guy was obviously at a loss, and the baby in his arms was beet red from fussing and screaming and fighting. He looked like he wanted to cry too, and she honestly wasn't sure he wasn't going to start if she spoke to him.

"Hey." She moved from where she'd been sitting to sit next to him. He brought his head up to look at her. His eyes were a bright, almost emerald green up close. And shining with the promise of tears. She really hoped he didn't start crying, because how awkward would that be? "I take it you haven't had to feed her much before now?"

He shook his head. "No. Her mom..." He raised the hand that wasn't entirely supporting the child he held, but let it fall as his voice trailed off. "She was, you know. Feeding her." His hand moved again, gesturing toward her breast. "But she's..." He shook his head. Whatever had happened to the baby's mother, it was hard for him to say. Which kind of almost definitely ruled out the possibility that she had simply gone back to work.

"Has she ever taken a bottle before?"

"She drank a little last night. But I had some left from her mom. It's all gone now. This is formula. And I don't think she likes it."

April nodded. She felt for him. She really did. A million scenarios ran through her head, and they all came down to one thing. The baby's mother was gone, out of the picture. Maybe she left, or maybe she died. April had no way of knowing without asking, and she didn't feel that was appropriate. "Would you like me to try?"

He sucked in a breath. "I...yes. Please."

He shifted, holding the baby out so she could take her. "Hey, sweetheart," April said softly. The baby nuzzled against her, and it was obvious to April that she was rooting around for a breast. April took the bottle from the guy, she assumed he was the father, but she was also aware he might not be. Stranger things had happened. He could be an uncle, or a friend, or hell, even though he didn't look terribly old he could be the grandfather. It was possible.

"Here you go, honey," she cooed, and pushed the nipple to get a little milk to pool at the tip so she could rub it on the baby's lips and hopefully get her to take it. She seemed to go for it, but then turned her face away, grunting in frustration. "It's okay, darling. I know it's not what you're used to, but it's the best we can do." Even though her own breasts were leaking in response to the baby's fussing.

She tried again, with the same results. "Okay. This is going to sound crazy," April said. She looked at him, and his big green eyes. She really just wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be all right. "I don't even know your name. But here's the thing. Ainsley didn't finish and I've got more than enough anyway. I can feed her."

"You can do that? I mean, it's..." He frowned, struggling to find the words.

She held the bottle out to him and he took it, sliding it into the diaper bag at his feet. "It's pretty unusual, I think. But yeah. I mean, I don't see why not. They gave me information when I had her about an organisation that takes excess breast milk for infants in need. And I think this one is definitely in need. What's her name, by the way? I'm April."

"Lyric. And I'm Andy," he told her. He tried not to watch as she prepared to take Lyric to her breast, but he was unable to look away. It wasn't even that he'd never seen a woman breastfeed before. But he was mesmerized by it, and by her. She offered her nipple and Lyric latched on without hesitation.

The sudden silence was almost deafening. April stroked the baby's face with the knuckle of her index finger. "There you are, sweet girl. I know you're hungry. it's all right. Take as much as you need." It was kind of surreal to have someone else's infant at her breast, but she was happy to help.

She looked up at Andy. "Hey. It's gonna be okay."

He shook his head. "Is it, though? I mean, I really appreciate what you're doing. But what about when she's hungry again in a few hours and all I have is a bottle."

April shifted a little and reached her hand out to touch Andy's leg. It was a valid question and a legit concern. She wasn't sure how to answer, without getting a little more information. She looked into his eyes, and tried to hold his gaze. "Andy. Where's her mother? What happened to Ann? It is Ann, right? I talked to her a few times, when we were both pregnant. ANd I saw her with the baby a few weeks ago, but I haven't seen her lately."

"She was in a car accident a few days ago," Andy said. He looked down, unable to maintain eye contact. "She...she didn't make it."

"Oh, Andy. I'm so sorry." Was that better or worse than if she'd just walked away like Ainsley's father had done? One morning he left the apartment, and never came home. He sent a text telling her he was leaving town, and don't bother trying to find him, he was trashing the phone before she could even read the message. And that was that. "Listen. the girls are close in age. I think Lyric was born maybe two weeks after Ainsley. And we live in the same block of apartments, so, I mean. I can help out. They say the more you feed, the more milk you produce, so I can feed them both. If, I mean, is that something you'd want to do? I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but..." April looked down at the child suckling from her breast.

Yeah, this was a completely unusual situation. But it felt right. She had to help this guy and this innocent baby whose world had been turned upside down before she was even three months old. It wasn't her fault, and it wasn't Andy's either. He seemed like a good guy. And April sincerely wanted to help him and his little girl.

"I...you'd do that?" The shine of promised tears glistened in his eyes again.

"I mean, yeah. Why force her to take a bottle when she doesn't have to?" Part of her wondered what she was doing, but part of her knew she couldn't just walk away. Lyric and Andy were both innocent victims of a situation that was beyond their control. She had the means to help them, so she was going to help them.

Andy's gaze traveled down to Ainsley sleeping in her carrier seat. "She still wakes up to eat in the middle of the night. I can't ask you to come over and feed her at 3am."

"I have a two bedroom unit. Why don't you two come stay with me? I can move Ainsley into my room and you two can have her room. There's a twin bed in there, and we'll figure out everything else." She knew it was a risky offer. For all she knew, he'd killed Lyric's mother and lied about the car accident. But he seemed so pure, so genuine, so honestly distraught that she was willing tot ake the risk.

"I can't..."

April leaned forward just a little and reached for his hand. His daughter was still nursing at her breast, her face still splotchy from her crying earlier, but slowly returning to normal. "Would you do it for your daughter?"

She saw the corners of his mouth twitch. And a tear finally fell. His voice, when he spoke, even though he only said one word, was low and lilted with emotion. "Yes."

"That settles it then. When she's done here, we'll go to your place and get what you need for tonight. We'll worry about the rest tomorrow."

Andy nodded. "I don't know how I can ever thank you for this."

Her first thought was that he could thank her by not being a serial killer or something. but she just smiled and squeezed his hand. "Just let me help you. And maybe pay half the grocery and stuff. That's all I really need."

"I can do that," Andy said. He'd even offer to pay half the rent. It would be tight, unless he gave up his apartment, but it was way too early to think about that.

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Shameless pimping: Read all my fic at AO3

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