#(they’ve added me!! and they’ve messaged me of their own accord!!!)

[pollenallergie]

if i share my discord @ again, do you guys promise to add me???

[darksigns-exe]

a prayer to venus - noah sebastian x ofc

warnings: panic attacks, questioning of gender, dysphoria, swearing, handjobs (m receiving), oral sex (f receiving), unprotected intercourse

word count: 21k

note: hi! this is a big boy so i'll keep things brief. special thanks to @deathblacksmoke, @circle-with-me, @sitkowski and @baddestomens <3 thank you for your help with this one.

as this is a very long fic there is a chance that i may have missed a warning. if you do find something that you think should be added please let me know <3

masterlist | taglist sign-up

Watching Maya get ready even though they have nowhere to go quickly becomes Noah’s favourite pastime. She’s humming along to the song playing in the background, not really paying attention to him. He knows that she likes the routine of it. Having a little bit of structure would probably do him good too. Noah’s had so much time to think that he’s starting to get sick of the inside of his own head. 

And it’s only been two weeks with no end in sight. 

The one good thing about this is that he gets to spend as much time with his girlfriend as he wants. Although, he’s sure that Maya will eventually get a little tired of him hanging around like this all the time. Sure, he’s doing his own things. But this will be the most time they’ll have together without a break since they’ve gotten together about two years ago, and he really doesn’t want her to get tired of him. 

He’s been so distracted that he hasn't noticed that Maya had long finished getting ready. 

“We have a problem.” she says, sounding so very displeased. 

Noah snaps out of his thoughts then, “What’s up?”

“Does the internet work on your phone?” 

He checks and – nothing. 

“Again?” 

Noah tries not to sound as frustrated as he feels. This is maybe the fourth time this week that their internet connection just stopped working. According to the provider, there’s nothing they can do about it. A lot of people online or something like that. 

“Let me just text Ellie that I can’t make it to the meeting today, and then we can see what we’ll do.”

Noah watches intently as she types the message into her phone.

As much as this all is going to suck, he’ll get to wake up to her every morning and that makes it a little bit better. 

The day drags by so tortuously slowly. They’ve watched two movies, had lunch and watched another three episodes of a show when the boredom really sets in. 

Maya lies with her head in his lap. The show playing in the background is long forgotten as they both do their own little things. 

“You should let me put make-up on you some time.” It sounds like a desperate attempt to keep herself busy. 

Noah has historically been rather bad at saying no to her, so it’s no surprise that he finds himself sat in front of her little vanity just a little while later. He’s happy to entertain Maya, and the upside of this is that he gets to be so very close to her. Having this time together will be good for them. Not that they’ve been struggling before, but actually getting to be a real couple for a little bit without having to deal with the distance will be nice. 

Maya tilts his chin up just a little. 

“Close your eyes for a moment.”

He has no idea what she’s doing. No amount of watching her do this will make him understand what the individual products she uses are. Whatever she’s doing feels nice, though. 

Maya’s fingers brush across the tops of his cheeks, before he feels the tickling of a brush follow in their path. 

“If you’re not careful, I’m going to force you to wear sunscreen.” Maya says then, and he knows that she’s smiling. 

“Is that a promise?” 

She smacks his shoulder playfully, “It’s a threat.” 

He loves what they have. 

They’d met at a friends’ show, literally bumping into each other at the bar. Noah had been hooked from that first moment. Maya had been the reluctant one. But he’d persevered. Noah had “played” best friend for a year before she’d eventually asked him if he’d like to be her date to her brother's wedding. Maya had caught the bouquet that day. He doesn’t remember how the kiss happened, they’d both had plenty to drink at that point. All Noah remembers is that after that day, everything had changed between them. Sure, he’d slept over at her place before and sure, he’d slept in her bed. But when Noah had woken up that morning, it had all felt so different. They’d never really cuddled, but then he’d woken up to Maya curled against his front, arm slung across his body. They’d sort of stumbled into this relationship, and it had taken Noah a whole month to build up the courage to ask her if they were a thing now. He’ll never forget how Maya had smiled at him then. How she’d asked him if he kisses all of his friends like he kisses her. It hadn’t been long until he’d moved into her place to maximise the time they’d have between tours. 

Two years later, Noah still feels all warm inside when she looks at him like that. 

“Alright.” Maya says finally, “All done. Have to admit, I think I’ve outdone myself.” 

What he sees in the mirror doesn’t immediately reach his brain. 

Noah has always been somewhat sure about himself, albeit a little insecure and unsatisfied when it comes to his height and weight. So really, he can’t explain the feeling that barrels through his brain like a freight train at that moment. He can’t tear his eyes away. Narcissus has nothing on him.

It’s almost as if he’s had a minor problem with his vision and has tried on glasses for the first time. It had never seemed off, but now that something has changed – 

He shoves the thought to the back of his mind. 

Nothing has changed. 

Maya put a little bit of stuff on his face and he can admit that it’s aesthetically pleasing. Nothing more. 

Nothing has changed. 

Noah can pick up on the similarities to how Maya does her own make up. And it feels a little like recognising her handwriting between countless others. Not that he knows a lot about this, but he’s watched her do it for long enough now to have at least a little bit of an idea. 

He finds Maya’s eyes in the mirror. 

She’s plotting something. 

“Can I take a couple of pictures, for reference?” she asks a moment later. 

Noah tries to give an indifferent shrug, “Sure.” 

He’s never worried about that before, and he won’t start now. Maya takes plenty of pictures of him for reference. 

He trots after her into the room she uses as a studio. Noah knows this routine by now. He stands in front of the white backdrop waiting for Maya to get her camera out and ready. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t deny the little pit that still sits in his chest. There’s a tightness there that he hadn’t felt an hour ago. 

Half an hour later, Noah finds himself under the burning hot stream of their shower. Maybe blasting himself with scalding water will make this go away. Surely, anyone would have a brief moment of questioning for lack of a better word if they saw themselves like that. He reasons it’s a normal thing. If you see yourself looking entirely different for the first time, it has to do something to your brain. But it doesn’t have to mean anything. 

When he steps out of the shower some twenty minutes later, he’s managed to quiet his mind somewhat. Noah’s sure that this was just a combination of the make-up and the absolute havoc this lockdown has already caused in his brain. 

It’s a little jarring. 

It’s been a little over a week, and he's still thinking about this. 

Noah shakes the thought from his brain — or tries to at least. The thing is that it’s very persistent. A nagging little thing at the stem of his brain that refuses to leave him alone. 

And worst of all, he can’t even really name it. He can’t pinpoint what it exactly is, and maybe that makes it so much worse. Can’t fight a thing you can’t name and all that. Then again, he doesn’t even know if this is a thing he can fight. 

Noah shakes the mouse to wake his pc up again. He scrolls past countless of unread messages until he finds Nick's contact. 

Are you busy?

His message doesn’t stay unanswered for long, and before long, Nick’s reply pops up on his screen. 

Looking to get your ass beat again? Give me five minutes need to feed the cats

The familiarity of Nick will take his mind off this. It isn’t that Maya didn’t, but every time he looks at her, his chest feels tight with this fucking feeling. Noah feels terrible about it. He hates that this thing has tinged the way he looks at his girlfriend. 

It’s seven when Maya knocks at the door of his little studio space. 

“Dinner?” she asks, poking her head through the crack in the door. 

A quick goodbye to Nick later, they’re seated in the living room, with a spread of styrofoam containers on the coffee table in front of them. 

He’s sure that Maya has ordered about every possible option on the menu of their go-to Filipino place. They’ll have enough leftovers for the next few days. 

Noah ends up with his head in her lap. He loves the attention she showers him with. The manicured tips of her fingers scratch against his scalp, just the way he likes it. He’s long stopped paying attention to the documentary they’re watching. The mix of her touch and the warmth of her body lulls him into a comfortable pre-sleep state. And in this drowsy state, he feels a little bit of peace for the first time in a week. Maybe tearing himself away from Maya like this was the wrong way to go about it after all. 

Noah walks down the hallway. This feels familiar – he knows this venue. They’ve played this venue before. His feet lead him into the last restroom before the stage. The lights are still on. Right, he just saw Folio exit the door. His eyes find the mirror – the softer features, the painted skin. Sometimes it still slips her mind. Maya had helped her again, her hands got too shaky to do her make-up on her own.  This is their first show back.  New album, new everything.  It doesn’t feel as scary as it probably should.  She rights her shirt, tugs on the belt until the buckle is properly centred. Noah hears them outside. She’s sure that she can hear Matt and Nick talking about something in front of the door. Something about the last few shows of the tour selling out too.  They huddle up. Jolly says something about how they’ll be better than ever tonight. She feels Nick squeezing her shoulder. Folio’s excitement bubbles over into her. 

Noah feels incredibly disoriented when he wakes up. He doesn’t usually remember his dreams, and this one was especially odd. He tries to shake it off, tries to remember what had happened before he fell asleep. 

Maya should be here. 

He doesn’t immediately see or hear her. The take out containers are gone too. Noah pulls the blanket she had draped over him up a little higher. He tries to listen for her in the silence of their home. 

Nothing. 

Noah turns over onto his back. 

He stares up at the ceiling for a long while. 

It’s a dream, he tells himself, Nothing more.

Eventually, Noah pushes himself off the sofa. 

His body feels so awfully heavy. The clock on his phone reveals that it’s only been forty-five minutes. He could have sworn that he slept through the night. Although he knows that Maya would never let him sleep on the couch like that. 

Noah decides to go looking for her. She can’t have gone far, not this late in the day. There’s no sign of her in the kitchen or their bedroom. He briefly checks the bathroom too, only to find it empty as well. Which leaves him with one more option. 

The door to her studio is ajar, and he suddenly feels a little foolish for having missed it when he passed by it just a few minutes ago. 

Just for a moment, he allows himself to watch her. The pink of her hair is starting to fade again, and he wonders what colour she’ll dye it next. Since he’s known her, her hair has been about every colour of the rainbow. The pink has been the most permanent colour so far. He likes it on her, it suits her. Noah’s sure that she could show up in the most plain and unexciting thing possible and would still have all eyes on her. Maya has a draw to her – one that he’d experienced first hand. 

Noah slips into the room. Maya doesn’t immediately notice him and continues to do whatever she’s been doing. As he comes closer, Noah sees that she’s looking through a stack of photos. He wraps himself around her, and Maya jumps a little in surprise. 

He rests his chin on her shoulder to see exactly what she’s looking at. 

“I got the last film back.” she explains. 

She pauses on a picture of the Nicks. Folio’s grimace makes both of them laugh. Maya continues to cycle through the photos. She slows when she reaches the ones she took of him the week prior. Almost instantly, Noah’s chest tightens. 

Getting a visual refresher of that day brings that unsettling feeling back. He’d tried to push it so far back into his mind, but now that he’s faced with himself again, it slowly crawls back up his spine. 

“Noah?” Maya’s voice seeps into his brain, “Noah – you’re squeezing me.” 

The edge of panic in her voice snaps him out of it. He hadn’t even realised how tight his hold on her had become. 

“I’m sorry – I completely zoned out.” Noah sputters out quickly. 

“Everything okay, baby?” Maya wriggles out of his hold, turning around so that she can look at him, “You know you can tell me everything, right? If something’s up, please don’t lock me out again.” 

He wishes that he could. But how can he talk about this when he doesn’t even know what to call the thing that is bothering him? Noah knows that Maya won’t dig for an answer, they both know that it’ll only make him close up more. And he knows what she’s trying to do with this, he knows that she’s trying to get him to open up a little further, but it feels so awfully impossible. 

When they go to bed that night, Noah lies awake for what feels like hours. When he checks the clock on his phone again, he once more finds out that it’s barely been over an hour. His mind is racing at a thousand miles an hour, unable to settle on anything for long. Eventually, Noah drags himself out of bed. Phone clutched in his hand, he tip-toes to the living room again. If he can’t fall asleep, he might as well keep himself occupied. 

He sinks onto the sofa, the blanket still draped over the arm where he’d left it just a little bit earlier. For a while, he scrolls mindlessly through different feeds. Noah lets himself be dragged into the endless stream – whatever will take his mind away from this. Noah really doesn’t know where this is going to take him. He’s been sleeping so poorly recently, and maybe it’s good that this is happening now that he’s at home and doesn’t have to stick to a strict schedule. Noah doesn’t want to think about how awful this would be if they were on tour. 

Maybe it’s morbid curiosity that leads him to type his somewhat clumsy question into Google. The first searches don’t really give any suitable answers. Noah can objectively say that he looked good with what Maya put on his face, that isn’t his issue, and he isn’t afraid to admit that either. 

The issue lies deeper. 

Appearance doesn’t match what I have in mind

His hands tremble an awful lot for a thing like this.

Noah taps on the first result.

Most of the answers talk about a thing called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. And while it ticks some of his boxes, he doesn’t think it’s the right thing yet. He doesn’t feel detached from himself either, so those options fly out of the window too. 

Surely, not – 

Noah taps out of the browser on his phone as soon as he reads the word gender. Whatever is wreaking havoc on his mind is not that. He digs his fingers into his thighs. 

The silence of the room is deafening. It rings in his ears. 

Noah knows what a panic attack feels like, and this one is barrelling towards him at full speed. 

His lungs haven’t felt this tight in years. 

It all circles back to this one image – one singular what if. 

The doubt creeps over him like sludge, sticky and viscous. 

Noah staggers into the kitchen, barely feeling stable enough to make the trek. He feels dizzy, disoriented. His vision is narrowed to a small pinpoint, and he knows that he’s bumping into all sorts of things on the way to the sink. He blindly pats around the counter until his fingers curl around the edge of the sink.

The cold water shocks him out of the state of blind panic he’s been in. His hands still shake uncontrollably, but at least he doesn’t feel as if he’s about to empty his stomach out in the next few moments. 

Noah slumps down in front of the counter. 

It can’t be that. 

He’s never questioned himself like that before. 

The light in the hallway flickers on, pulling his attention towards it. 

“Noah?” her voice rings through dimly lit space and finds its way into the centre of his chest. 

He can’t bring himself to reply. The words won’t come. 

He hears Maya’s bare feet on the wooden floors. 

She eventually finds him cowering in the middle of their kitchen. Maya comes to kneel in front of him, hands immediately finding the sides of his face. 

Her words rush right past his ears. Noah lets her wrap him up in her arms. He doesn’t know for how long they sit like this, but eventually, his mind returns to him. 

“Noah, honey.” she speaks softly, fingers still combing through his hair, “What’s going on?”

He swallows the lump in his throat. 

“It’s just a lot.” he says instead of the thousand other things he could say. 

It’s not really a lie, but he still feels impossibly bad. 

For the next five weeks, Noah finds himself spiralling further down this seemingly endless tunnel. For the most part, he sequesters himself to the second bedroom he uses as a studio. All under the guise of feeling so productive. In reality, he sits staring at the monitor for hours and maybe gets a fraction of the work he had planned done. 

There’s no rush to finish the album anyway. 

Who knows when or if they’ll be able to tour again. 

Everything feels as if it's collapsing around him. Every time he thinks that he’s ready to tell Maya that he’s digging himself deeper and deeper into this crisis, Noah feels himself shrinking back into his shell. 

And so he sits in silence, listening to the tormenting thoughts that course through his mind. It’s almost as if they’re taunting him. 

Noah hasn’t dared to look further into the possibilities of what this could be. That one shock of reading  gender and dysphoria had been enough for him. It’s not that he doesn’t agree with that, people can and should do whatever they want with their bodies. 

But he? 

Noah has never questioned his identity like that, he’s never looked at himself and thought what if? And now it’s all he can think about. 

What if he isn’t what he thought he was?

Sure, he’s had moments of insecurity. 

One or the other high school bully had thrown the odd you dress like a girl at him, but that had never really worried him. Before that day, Noah had never looked at himself and felt this disconnect. 

In a desperate attempt to end this day of self-flagellation, Noah finds his way into the bathroom. Maya had once told him that a bath could fix most of her problems, and at this point he’s willing to try everything. 

Running himself a bath like this in the middle of the day does feel a little odd, but he’s done stranger things in recent weeks. 

The hot water does help to ease the ache from his bones. If this does nothing else, he’ll at least feel a little less tense. 

Noah lets himself sink into the water and suds. 

His world is crumbling around him, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. Then again, Noah doesn’t even know if he can or should stop this. 

It’s an odd thing. 

Because when he lets himself glimpse past the denial, something about this feels right. When he lets himself consider it clearly and without judgement, he knows that what he saw in the mirror, the made up feminine face, looked so deeply familiar. 

A long-lost friend.  

In the sanctity and security of this space, Noah lets himself consider this. He lets himself sink under the water. 

What’s the worst that could come of this?

There are the consequences this would have for himself. If he lets himself explore this, he’ll have to deal with a plethora of questions that he doesn’t even know about yet. Deep down, he knows that Maya will be with him no matter what. She won’t judge him for this questioning, they’ve talked plenty about her explorations with sexuality. 

The band is a different thing entirely. He’s sure that none of them will treat him differently, but the fear is still there. There’s no real knowing. 

He doesn’t even want to think about their audience. That’s a bridge he won’t even think about until it comes into view. 

A knock on the door and the call of his name draw Noah out of his thoughts. 

“Honey, are you in there?” Maya’s voice is laced with concern. 

“Yes.” he answers quietly. 

“Can I come in?” 

When he doesn’t answer immediately, she cracks open the door just a little, “Noah?” 

He musters all of his strength to answer, “Come in.” 

Maya slips into the room, the worry on her face breaks his heart a little. 

“I was looking for you all over the place.” she says, as she sits on the edge of the tub, “Everything okay?” 

She reaches for the hand that is nearest to her, carefully tangling their fingers together. 

For a moment, Noah thinks that he should tell her.

In the end, he gives another vague everything is bad, and I don’t know what to do answer. He doesn’t know if Maya actually buys it, but she doesn’t press him further. 

“Do you want to be alone or do you want me to stay here?” she asks eventually. 

“Can you stay?” Noah asks, despite her offering to do so. 

With a little more hot water added to the tub, Maya slips into the tub behind him. Noah lets the mess in his brain float away from him, when he rests his body against hers. Her arms curl around his middle, hands splayed out across his tummy. They sit like this for a while, silence wrapped around them. It’s comfortable, and Noah thinks that maybe he shouldn’t isolate himself as much. 

His breath hitches when her hand drifts a little lower. 

“Is this okay?” Maya sounds so careful and hesitant. 

Intimacy has been tricky.

The anxiety that has settled in his body has made him so tired that he falls asleep before Maya. It’s not that he hasn’t wanted this, and he knows that he’s been neglecting her quite a bit. 

The tips of her fingers skate across his hip, and that breaks his resolve. 

“Please, baby.” he sighs out shakily. 

Noah’s eyes fall shut when Maya wraps her hand around him. He lets himself get lost in the slow movements of her hand. 

She always treats him so well. 

Her lips follow the curve of his neck, leaving a trail of kisses in their wake. Noah sighs when she reaches that one extra sensitive spot on his neck. 

“I missed you.” Maya sounds almost mournful when she speaks, “You’ve been so far away from me.” 

The words burn in his chest. 

He knows it’s true. 

Noah let himself drift away from her, he allowed them to become distant like this. He doesn’t know if he has it in him to tell her about this yet, but he can’t lose her. 

Consciously, this time, he brings himself back to the present moment – to Maya. 

It takes Noah a moment to catch up, and he feels his breath catch in his throat when he really allows himself to feel all of this. His head drops back against her shoulder as she continues to work him towards his climax. He knows that she enjoys this just as much as he does. Noah doesn’t hold back on his moans, not that he has much choice with how good her hand feels on him. 

“Please don’t stop.” He sighs out between laboured breaths. 

Her name is a prayer on his lips. 

The only thing that circles in his mind is her, the way she makes him feel, the way she feels behind him. Noah allows the feeling to swallow him entirely. It drowns out the anxiety, the fear, and instead gives him a soft warmth. The comfort he has been missing slowly creeps back into his body. 

Maya doesn’t let him get back to work after that. He’s glad that she insists that he needs a break — he wouldn’t have allowed himself one. 

Noah lets her pull him into their bedroom, into their bed. For the first time in weeks, he allows himself comfort, a brief respite from the cold he has let himself fall into. 

He doesn’t really register what they watch, and it doesn’t matter that much, either. Maya is curled up in front of him, her back warm against his chest. He buries his face in the side of her neck, lets the soft scent of her shampoo and perfume fill his senses. 

Noah knows that he needs to tell her.

She deserves to know, she deserves to make a decision of her own. 

He almost tells her in that moment. 

But Maya falls asleep before he does, and he shelves the plan just for a while longer. 

He will tell her. 

Noah doesn’t tell her for another few weeks. 

Instead, he crawls back into the dark – willingly this time. 

The more he looks into this thing, the more it darkens his mood. He’d hoped that understanding this would let him open himself to Maya again, but instead they’re just quietly drifting away from each other. 

The thing hangs over them like an oppressive shadow, and he can feel her slipping away. 

Maya is out of bed before he gets up on most mornings. She stays in her studio and only steps out for lunch and dinner. Noah thinks that she looks awfully tired. 

He knows what the right thing is, he knows how he could make this stop, and yet – he feels immobilised by the fear that still clings to him. 

Lately, he’s been pulling away more and more from his friends, too. The last message Nick has sent him has gone unanswered for a few days now. He can’t bring himself to type out whatever lame excuse flits through his mind at that moment. He can’t lie to Nick too. He’s already lying to the most important person in his life. 

Noah knows that he’s letting both of them down with this, and still, the words remain unspoken. 

It’s nearing midnight when he crawls out of bed again. Maya is asleep next to him, but he can tell that she isn’t sleeping well. 

Neither of them has in recent weeks. 

He slips out of their bedroom as quietly as he can and hides himself away in his studio. 

Almost as if pre-programmed, Noah finds his way back to the forums he’s been studying. He’s been reading up on experiences, trying to piece together what this feeling means for him. He knows that this isn’t a black and white thing. It’s awfully complicated and – 

He just manages to slam his phone onto the table when the door flies open. 

“We’re either going to talk this out now or I’m going to Ellie’s for a bit. I cannot deal with you sneaking out of bed every fucking night.” she doesn’t sound angry, and Noah doesn’t need to look up to know that she’s been crying. 

The thought of Maya quietly crying to herself breaks his heart even further. 

“I feel like you’re – drifting away from me, Noah. I don’t know what’s happening. If you – if you don’t want this any more, that’s okay, but please have the decency to tell me and don’t string me along like this.” 

The words hit him like a wall of bricks. 

He knows that he’s been horrible, not just as a partner but as a friend too. But hearing how truly painful his actions – or rather lack thereof – have been feels like the final nail in his coffin. 

“Maya I’m –”

“Don’t say you’re sorry. Just tell me what is going on, please.” 

Even from this distance he can see the furrow in her brow, the quivering of her lip. One hand grips the other so tightly. He only notices now, that she has pulled one of his sweatshirts over her body. 

Noah draws in a deep breath, “I – I don’t know how to explain it really. I have to apologise, though – I need to. You didn’t deserve this.”

Maya slowly comes closer to him, still so very hesitant. 

“Do you remember when you put make-up on me that one day?” she nods, “I don’t know – something about seeing myself like that fucked with my head a little.” 

The concern on her face becomes even more evident then, “How so? I don’t know if I understand.” 

Noah rubs a hand across his face. He can barely stop his knee from bouncing now. The nerves bite at him, gnaw at his resolve. He swallows down the beginnings of tears. 

“It – made me feel – fuck, this is already difficult to make sense of in my head – seeing myself like that felt like I was seeing myself for the first time. I don’t know – I still don’t know what that means for me. I’ve been trying to figure it out and in doing so, I’ve let this happen, and I’m so fucking sorry.” 

Noah can’t stop the tears then. 

A moment passes before he feels hands grasping his. The warmth doesn’t quite reach him yet. 

“Why haven’t you talked to me, Noah?” 

A sob breaks from him, “I wanted to.” 

He feels her forehead dropping against his knees. 

Damp stains his skin. 

Maya kneels at his feet, barely clinging on to his form. There’s something so devastating about that sight. Hearing her quiet sniffles breaks his heart just a little more. Every shake of her shoulders drives the thorn further into his chest. 

He can’t tell how much time passes until she looks up at him again. Her cheeks are red and splotchy, skin stained with tears. 

“I’m sorry that you felt as if you couldn’t talk to me about this. I – feel like I’ve let you down.” she says quietly, “I’m so sorry.” He watches helplessly as rises to her feet once again. 

“You didn’t – I made myself believe that I couldn’t talk to you.” He doesn't know if his words actually help, he hopes that they do, “You’ve always been there for me. This just – I could barely wrap my head around it. And when I figured out what I was even feeling, it fucked with me so much.” 

“I think I need a moment to think and sort my head out. Can we – we should finish this in the morning? It’s late.” 

Noah thinks that he hears a sliver of regret in her voice. It’s hidden behind the obvious pain that colours her features. Knowing that he caused this pain makes his chest tighten up again. 

He nods, fully knowing that nothing he has to say right now will change this. 

Noah doesn’t question when Maya doesn’t follow him into their bedroom. The sting of it still stays with him when he crawls back under the duvet. He can’t shake the look on her face from his mind. 

He’s never seen Maya look this hurt. 

Noah hates that it has taken him this long to realise that he cannot let things go on like he has. They both deserve better than this. He won’t let himself sit in this silence, and he won’t let her suffer at his hands any more. 

Tomorrow he’ll put his cards on the table, no matter how terrifying it is. It’s not just about being honest to her any more, it's about being honest to himself. 

He lasts maybe thirty minutes on his own, before he finds his way back into the living room. He finds Maya cradling a cup of tea in her hands. The skin below her eyes is still damp with tears. 

Silently, he holds his hand out to her. 

Maya hesitates for just a moment, before she sets her cup down on the coffee table. As soon as her hand is in his, he pulls her in. Maya wraps herself around him, face buried against his chest. Her hold on him should feel suffocating, but in this moment it’s exactly what he needs. 

“I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but we’ll figure this out. I’m here for you no matter what, okay?” 

Noah has to choke back a new wave of tears. 

“I know.” 

“I love you and nothing will change that.” her words sink into his chest. 

It’s been too long since he heard her say it – or said it himself. 

“Promise?” Her arms tighten around him just a little bit more, “I promise, Noah.” 

“I love you too.” he says finally, and he feels Maya relax a little against him, “Let’s go back to bed, okay?”

He wakes with Maya still wrapped around him. 

Her hand is warm on his chest, and for the first time in weeks, he doesn’t wake up with an ache in his jaw. 

The morning continues slow. 

He exits the bathroom to the sight of Maya getting the rest of their breakfast ready. They eat outside in their little garden, the silence is for once comfortable. 

The weight on his shoulders feels a little bit lighter. 

But the prospect of the conversation they still have to hold still lingers over him. Noah can’t deny that it terrifies him. Knowing that he’ll have to voice this thing out loud shakes him to the core. He still isn’t sure how he’s supposed to put all of this into words. 

He feels a hand on top of his. 

“Noah?” she asks softly, “You’re getting awfully quiet again.” 

Might as well rip off the band-aid now. 

“I don’t really know how to say this. I’m still trying to figure out what this means for me. I never really questioned how I see myself before that day. And seeing myself like that, it – scared me a lot. It still does to be honest.”

“When you say question – just so we’re both on the same page – what do you mean?”

He draws in a shaky breath, “I don’t know if guy is the right way to describe myself. I don’t know what the right thing is, but I know that it’s not that.” 

Noah doesn’t dare to open his eyes. 

Her hand squeezes his. 

“Noah, honey.” Maya says softly, “Can you look at me?” 

He forces his eyes open and slowly turns to look at her. 

“This is okay. It’s okay that you’re questioning this. And I wish that I could have been there for you.” she looks at him with so much genuine honesty, “Whatever you decide doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

He whispers a quiet thank-you. 

“What do you need from me right now? How can I help?” 

“Just be you. I think I need that constant.” Noah feels a little silly saying it, putting it like that, but the comfort of her is exactly what he needs. 

“I can do that.” Maya says with a nod, “But Noah, please talk to me. Don’t shut me out like that. I don’t want you to be alone with this.” 

He squeezes her hand in response, “I’m sorry for how I treated you these last few weeks. That wasn’t fair, and I’m very sorry.” 

“It’s okay. We just won’t let it get that far again. Promise me that.” 

He gives a nod in reply, “Promise.” 

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

“I know you will.” 

Maya pulls him in for a kiss, “Good. Let’s get this inside. I still have to finish the piece I’m working on.” 

“What are you working on anyway?” 

For a moment, everything feels normal. They’re cleaning up the remnants of their shared breakfast, talking about what they’re working on. Noah has missed hearing about her work. He loves the pretty animated look she gets when she talks about her current project. 

“I thought we could go for a little drive? Get out of the house for a little bit, maybe get something to snack on?” Maya proposes as she hops up on the counter, “What do you think?”

Noah comes to stand in front of her, hands naturally finding their way to the tops of her thighs, “Think that would be nice. I’m getting kinda sick of being inside all the time.” 

Maya drapes her arms over his shoulder, fingers lacing together behind his neck, “Tell me about it. Getting out of the house for a little bit will be good for us.” 

An hour later, Noah pulls out of their spot on the side of the street. In the corner of his vision, he can see Maya scrolling through her phone, most likely trying to decide which playlist she wants to put on. 

She eventually settles on her go-to, and the familiar intro of some Arctic Monkeys song warbles through the speakers. 

They drive for maybe ten minutes before Maya speaks up again.

“Please tell me if I’m touching on something you’re not ready to talk about. But I have a few questions, if that’s okay?” She sounds so hesitant, carefully dancing around the topic. 

Maybe if he’d done this all differently, things would feel so stilted now. 

“Sure. I don’t know if I can answer them, though. It’s all — I don’t know if I really know what this all means for me, you know?”

“Was it really the makeup that set this all off?” 

He nods, “I think seeing myself like that dug something up that I managed to hide so well that I didn’t even know about it.” 

“You never questioned it before that day?”

“Not that I can remember.” Noah replies, he’s thought about it often enough in the last few weeks to at least be sure of this. 

He tries his best to answer the questions Maya throws at him. Many of them still feel unclear to him. But openly talking about it for the first time helps – maybe if he’d felt a little bit braver, this would have been so much easier. He’s always found solace in her, and maybe he should have known that speaking to someone about this would help. 

They end up in a car park overlooking the ocean. It’s quiet – everything is at the moment. But for once, his mind is also quiet. They sit on a low wall, quietly talking for a little while longer. Noah lets his head drop to her shoulder, as they watch the slow ebb and flow of the water before them. 

Maya’s hand is warm on his thigh, it rests high on his leg in that comforting way. She does it when they’re out together and the clutch of anxiety is wrought tightly around him. Once in a while, he feels her fingers pulse against the inside of his thigh, like a friendly reminder that she’s still beside him. 

“I got everything for flatbread pizzas when I ordered groceries yesterday. Before you ask, I got the nice tomatoes.” 

For the first time in weeks, Noah hears himself genuinely laugh out loud. 

Getting out of the house for a while, even if it’s just to sit and talk, makes his chest feel a little less tight. The anxiety is still there, but it’s not quite as strangling any more. 

“Come with me for a minute, will you?” Maya asks when she unlocks their front door.

Naturally, Noah follows her into her studio. 

He hasn’t been into her space in weeks. The familiar scent of her paints and inks filters into his senses. Noah wonders what she’s been working on. 

The easel is still covered by an old duvet cover. He remembers it from Maya’s old apartment, the little one bedroom with the leaking faucet in the kitchen that would drive them absolutely insane at night. 

“It’s a little funny – I didn’t know what that moment did for you. I just thought that you looked so –” she gesticulates trying to find the right word before settling on something, “Beautiful. I had to do something with it.” 

She steps away from the easel, motioning for him to remove the cover. 

Noah doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so nervous. Maya has shown him plenty of her work before, but something about this feels different. 

His hands tremble a little when he reaches for the fabric. He’s learnt the hard way that he can’t just yank it off. Noah lifts the duvet over off the canvas, gathering it up in his hands. 

What he sees on the canvas makes his breath catch in his throat. 

The inspiration is clearly visible, but Maya’s mark is what makes it truly special. He can recognise himself, the way he looked that day, but there’s something otherworldly about the way Maya has portrayed him. He’s never understood how she makes her work look as if it’s shiny like this. 

Once again, Noah is transfixed by his own appearance. 

His eyes race across the canvas, unable to find a point to focus on. There’s something soft and — feminine to it. His heart thumps in his chest. 

Noah feels Maya coming up next to him. Her hand wraps around his, as she presses up next to him. 

“What do you think?” she asks quietly, and Noah doesn’t miss the hint of insecurity in her voice. 

“That’s how you saw it?” 

He sees her nod in the corner of his vision. 

“I don’t know what to say. This – this is amazing. Thank you, my love.”

Maya pulls their joined hands up, pressing a kiss to the back of his, “Of course. I’ll do whatever I can to help you with this. Doesn’t matter what it is.”

It takes him a few more days to build up the courage to ask her again. Last time, Maya had been the one who brought it up, but Noah knows that he’ll have to ask for it. She had said that she’d help him with whatever, and he knows that Maya will not judge him for it. She’s made that very clear. Noah repeats the words in his head like a mantra, trying to cement them there.

Things had normalised somewhat in the last few days. They’d had a few more very honest conversations, tears had been shed, but at the end of the day, one thing became clear. Actually, speaking about this was more helpful than it was scary. Maya had offered him some much-needed perspective and comfort, and all things considered, things weren’t looking too bad. 

With this new-found confidence, Noah pushes his way into the bathroom, where Maya is still going through her morning routine. He wraps his arms around her middle, placing his chin on top of her shoulder. 

“What are you doing?” he asks, finding her eyes in the mirror. 

She meets his glance, giving him a soft smile.

“You wanna try?” she asks. 

Noah gives a hesitant nod. 

“Let me finish up, and then I’ll walk you through it.” 

He stays, watching her move through the surprisingly intricate routine. Eventually, Maya hops up onto the counter, urging Noah to come closer. He steps between her thighs, placing his hands on top of hers. 

“Step one.” Maya picks up her face wash, holding it out to him, “Don’t think I have to explain this bit to you.” 

She walks him through the steps, patiently explaining what each product does. Her little tinctures and creams leave the skin of his face feeling as soft as ever before. 

Maya picks up the tube of sunscreen, squirting some of it onto her fingers. She dabs it all over his face, placing the final dot onto the tip of his nose with a giggle. 

“I know we’re inside a lot at the moment, but you have to wear sunscreen.” There's still humour in her words, but he knows that she’s serious, “I can’t believe that Nick hasn’t gotten on your ass about it yet. With how many tattoos you have, I would have expected that someone would have told you that you need sunscreen at some point.”

He spreads it across his skin, occasionally​​ checking the mirror behind Maya. 

“What now?” he asks finally. 

“All done.” 

He hesitates for a long moment, eyes flitting between his reflection and Maya. 

“Do you – if you have the time – could you do my make-up again?” Noah asks quietly. 

Maya breaks into a smile, “Sure. I could also just show you how to do it yourself?” 

Once again, Noah finds himself sitting in front of her vanity. The items on the table in front of him seem endlessly confusing. Despite how much time he has spent watching Maya do this, he feels so very clueless right now. But Maya is patient and slowly walks him through it this time. 

It’s by no means perfect, but the routine Maya proposes is simple enough for him to recreate on his own. 

And at the end of it, Noah finds himself once again faced with this version of himself. It’s a little different from the last time, but he still finds comfort in what he sees. 

Maya drops her head to his shoulder, looking at him in her mirror. 

“I stand by what I said, you look so beautiful like this.” Her voice is so soft. 

Noah can barely contain the smirk that forces its way onto his face, “And not without it?” 

She smacks his thigh, “Beautiful either way.”

“I’m still not sure about what this all means for me, but – I think I want to try they.” his voice wavers just a little towards the end. 

“In addition to he?” Maya asks then. 

Noah nods, “Just he doesn’t feel like it’s – enough?”

Maya gives a squeeze to their thigh. It’s comforting, reassuring. 

“I’m glad that you’re allowing yourself to explore this, love. It’s a big thing, but I’m so proud of you for letting yourself do this.” The genuine warmth in her voice wraps around his mind like a warm blanket. 

Noah turns as best as he can with how they’re positioned. They press a kiss to Maya’s temple, lingering there for just a moment. 

“Thank you. Really.” Noah whispers. 

The moment feels too tender for anything else. 

Noah lets himself sit in the feeling for a while. They feel Maya’s eyes on their face, quietly observing – admiring, perhaps. 

Maya lifts her head, forcing Noah to do the same. She shifts, now sitting sideways on the little bench. 

“Look at me, will you?” 

She gently guides him towards her, hand soft on his cheek. 

“I love you so much.” her thumb drifts across their cheek, “Don’t forget that.” 

“I love you too.”   

She pulls them in for a kiss. A soft little thing that makes them feel so very loved. Noah drops his forehead to hers when they part. 

Having her at his side for this will make it so much better. 

Somehow, Noah hadn’t thought that things would be so normal. They’d expected that everything would feel just a little different, but in reality, life just goes on. But then again, things are still very far from being normal. 

He’s actually managed to get some real work done. 

His shoulders feel a little bit lighter now that he’s not bearing this alone any more. 

They’ve adapted a version of Maya’s skincare routine for themself. Maya has helped him find things that work even better than her products do. He’s dipped his fingers into Maya’s makeup, too, trying to get a feel for it. Noah thinks that they’re starting to get the hang of it. 

Fingers tap on his shoulder, making him jump. 

Maya looks at him expectantly. 

“Something up?”

“I love that you’re doing this, but you’ve used up some pretty expensive products. I think it’s time that we’ll get you your own stuff.” 

Noah finds a smile on her face, despite the stern words. 

“I didn’t even realise.” Noah replies feebly, “I’m sorry.” She squeezes their shoulder, “I’m not mad. But having your own things might be nice for you, too.” 

“Can we do that online?” 

Noah doesn’t know if he’s quite ready to do this in public yet. Maya seems to pick up on his hesitance, though, and nods quickly. 

“Of course.” she presses a kiss to their cheek, “Why don’t you wrap this up so that Jolly can stop badgering me about when you’re going to send him that demo, and then we can do a little shopping?” 

He joins her in the living room a good thirty minutes later. Maya has already pulled up a variety of sites on her laptop when they sit down next to her. It takes Noah a moment to really feel comfortable picking something out, but with a little bit of nudging from Maya, they end up making increasingly braver choices. 

Noah picks out some things that he knows from Maya, others he selects just because they look interesting. If he’s experimenting with things, he might as well do it properly. 

By the end of their little digital shopping trip, the cart is filled with all sorts of things. Everything from the basic things to a variety of highlighters, glitters, and things Noah doesn't even know the name of. There are doubles of some items, things that Maya had found interesting, too. He doesn’t want to think about the total, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter that much. Having this additional thing that they can share feels good. 

There’s something intimate about this. 

Noah has never been good at letting his walls down, and this whole experience has been a struggle from the start. But they’re glad that they have the option to do this in a moment like this. They’re safe in their home with the person they love. There’s not much more they could ask for. 

Noah lets his head drop to her shoulder. 

With the laptop forgotten on the coffee table, Maya quickly finds her way into Noah’s lap. Her lips trail up the side of their neck. Their hands rest on Maya’s waist, slowly skating upwards under her shirt. 

It feels like it’s been ages since they’ve been together like this. It’s been a few weeks since Maya had gotten them off in the bathtub. But since then, so much has changed. 

Maya kisses her way along Noah’s jaw, before she finally brings her lips to theirs. 

One of her hands rests against the side of their face, while the other threads into the hair at the back of their neck. 

Maya grinds down against them, and Noah can’t hold back the whine that bubbles up in their throat. Her body is so soft under their hands, and they want nothing more than to give themself to her. Noah wants to melt into her touch, fall apart at her hands. The warmth that radiates off her body seeps into his. 

Maya moans against their lips when Noah pulls her closer. 

They feel Maya bringing a hand between their bodies. Noah knows what her destination is, they know where she is headed. And when her hand presses against their crotch, it’s as if a switch is flipped in their head. 

Cold fear washes over their body. 

Noah rears his head back, trying to draw much needed air into his lungs. It takes Maya a moment to catch up, but as soon as she does, her hands leave their body, and she moves back just enough. 

“I can’t.” Noah says quietly, shame slowly creeping up his back.

He doesn’t quite know where this sudden fear is coming from, but he can’t bear the thought of being touched like this right now. Noah feels his hands trembling against her skin and quickly pulls them away. 

Maya remains where she is, quietly watching them for a moment. 

“Baby it’s okay.” she says after a long while, “We don’t have to do anything. If you don’t feel comfortable with this at the moment, that’s okay.”

Noah runs a clammy hand across his face. This is not how he’d wanted this to go. The panic spiral is slippery, and trying to keep himself from sliding is turning out to be quite tricky. 

“Noah.” Maya’s voice barely manages to break through the fog in his brain, “Honey, can you look at me for a moment?” 

Noah draws in a shaky breath before they look up and at her. 

“It’s okay. I understand that things are difficult right now. I should have asked if you’re okay with me touching you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t.” Maya says softly. 

Noah drops his head for a moment. This whole thing makes everything so much more complicated. 

“I didn’t think that I’d react like that, either.” Noah shoots back quickly, “I don’t want you to feel bad. This is not because of you. It’s – just there’s this disconnect, you know?”

Maya looks at him with that same worried expression he’s been faced with more times than he dares to count in recent weeks. 

“It feels a little as if what’s in my head doesn’t really match up with this any more.” They gesture towards themself, “It’s good most of the time, but just now it felt like everything is wrong.” 

Maya wraps herself around them. 

She doesn’t have to say a word for Noah to know what she feels. It’s comfort in its purest form. An unspoken I may not understand entirely, but I’m here. 

She’s warm and soft, and Noah feels terrible for neglecting her like this. They can’t imagine that any of this is easy for her, too. 

They stay like this for a long while, eventually moving over into the bedroom to watch a few episodes of a show they’d started a while ago. Noah lets themself sink into Maya’s embrace, allowing the worries on their mind to drift away for just a moment. 

Some things will never change – Noah hates doing laundry. It’s tedious, it’s annoying, but they’d agreed to split chores when this lockdown started, and they’re not about to let Maya down. 

They drop the freshly tumble-dried garments into the basket before picking it up. He’ll fold everything as he’s putting it away. 

Things have settled a little bit more. 

Another evening of research, this time with moral support from Maya, had revealed that the thing they’d experienced a few days earlier had, in fact, been a bout of gender dysphoria. It had rattled them a little bit more than they’d liked to admit, but Maya had assured them that they’d be able to manoeuvre this together. 

They’re inclined to believe her. 

And really it made sense.

Throughout all of this, Noah has felt as if something didn’t match up. And if they’re honest with themself, they’ve known what it is since that first day. 

Coming to terms with it is a different thing. 

Maya hadn’t said anything about it, but they’re sure that she knows by now. Noah’s glad that she’s allowing them to do this on their own terms. They’re still not sure where this’ll take them, but one thing’s for sure they’re not going back where they’ve been before. 

Noah plucks one of Maya’s skirts from the laundry basket. 

It’s the one they love seeing on her. A pretty little thing that they’ve shoved their hand under on more than one occasion. 

An idea springs into their head then. 

Trying it on can’t hurt. 

And if they’re already exploring make-up, why not expand to clothing too. 

Their hands tremble when they hold the skirt out in front of their body. It should fit, the fabric is just elastic enough. Noah pushes their sweats down. It takes them a few moments to build up the courage to pull the skirt up and over their waist. 

Their eyes remain low, unable to look at their reflection. 

Noah draws in a deep breath. 

Their chest fills with an odd warmth. 

The hem of the skirt hits just above the middle of their thighs. 

They can’t stop looking. 

Noah pulls their shirt up, pulling it back so that it fits a little tighter around where the waistband of the skirt sits, in an attempt to emulate how Maya would wear it. 

Their heart pounds so incredibly fast.

The shape of their body still feels too boxy, too much like guy, but something about this itches a very specific spot in their brain. 

Their hands drift across their body, trying to imagine a softer, less angular shape. It feels good. 

Another thought pops into their head then. 

They open Maya’s side of the closet. 

Maya won’t judge them for this. She’s said multiple times that she’ll support whatever they need. 

For the first time, they allow their fingers to pass over the pretty dresses Maya wears with the intention of picking something for themself. 

They don’t want to risk stretching out any of her clothes. Maya has a few more loose fitting dresses, one of those will be just fine. 

They pluck a little black number from the rail. They know what it looks like on Maya. The deep v neckline looks gorgeous on Maya, and suddenly Noah has to know what it will look like on their body. 

Their hands don’t shake as much any more when they unzip the skirt and take off their shirt. Slipping the garment over their head is so easy. And they’re not as scared of looking at themself this time around. 

The sleeves are a little too short on them, and it all feels a little uncomfortable at first, but Noah is willing to blame that on them not being used to dresses. 

The fabric feels good on their body. It’s soft and light and the longer they look at their reflection, the more they get used to it. 

Pulling their hair up with the claw clip they’d borrowed from Maya a while ago settles the nerves in their belly even more. For a moment, Noah considers the additional box of make-up that now sits on Maya’s vanity, and eventually decides that just a little bit will be enough. Their hand rifles through the box until they pluck a tube of lightly tinted lip gloss from it. 

Noah feels quite secure with this by now. Applying the gloss is no issue at all. The colour is fairly sheer, and they don’t have to be super precise with it. 

When Noah steps back in front of the mirror, their breath catches in their throat. It feels as if things have clicked into place. Their eyes flicker across their reflection. 

When seeing themself in make-up felt good, this feels – euphoric. 

The small edge of panic that tries to make itself known is drowned out by how good it feels to see themself like this.  

Noah curses themself for forgetting their phone in the living room.

They can always recreate this moment. 

Noah takes a few more moments like this, finishing the laundry they have to fold while still wearing the dress. 

Taking it off again feels a little sad. It’s not like Maya would be judgemental of it, but they don’t feel quite ready to share this yet. 

Maya will understand. 

With everything returned to normal, Noah quickly wipes the gloss from their lips. When they return to the bedroom, they find the door just slightly ajar. Noah is sure that they’ve closed the door before they had tried on the skirt. 

Maybe they had left it open after all. 

Noah finds Maya in the kitchen, working on their lunch. They wrap their arms around her middle, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. 

“What are you making?” 

Maya leans back against them, and Noah can’t stop themself from pressing another kiss to her cheek. 

“Pasta. With all of the leftover veggies we still have. The cheese will save it.” she replies, letting herself sink further against Noah. 

If she saw something, Maya doesn’t let it on.

“Do you want to get ice cream later?” they ask, now fully resting their cheek against Maya’s. 

“Would love that.”

It was a slow realisation. 

Noah doesn’t exactly know when it clicked. They had long realised that he was not only insufficient to describe themself but also plain wrong. They’d tried to look at themself in the mirror and think of it, only to feel a little nauseated. 

It had started to bleed into other spaces too. Hearing Nick call them dude made them cringe, but they bit through it, not feeling quite ready to share this with someone else yet. 

Noah is sure that Nick wouldn’t have a problem with this, but there’s still that lingering fear. They’ve read too many reports on best friends turning on people after any kind of coming out. And there’s simply too much at stake here. 

Noah wants to be absolutely sure of this before he tells anyone else. The first step to that is talking to Maya.

They splash another handful of ice-cold water into their face, in the hope that it’ll ease their nerves at least a little. 

The realisation had really hit them this morning. 

They don’t know what exactly triggered it, but somewhere between washing their face and brushing their teeth, things had started to make sense. 

Noah looks up at the mirror. 

Their fingers drift across their freshly shaved cheeks. Noah’s been keeping up with it a lot more. They have never had a lot of facial hair, but keeping their face smooth eased some of the ache in their chest. 

It’s still a little difficult to see anything but guy when they look in the mirror. On some days, it's easier for Noah to imagine their features a little softer, more feminine. Today is, thankfully, one of those days. 

They’ve managed to shed their fear of the word feminine, slowly realising that maybe it was a more accurate way to describe how they feel about themself. 

Noah swallows a breath. 

The thought reverberates around their brain. 

What if? 

Noah thinks about the moments that have made them feel most comfortable in recent weeks. They think back to the afternoon when they tried on one of Maya’s dresses. It stands in such a stark contrast to the times when they have to put on this masculine facade.

There really isn’t a lot to debate here any more. 

Noah goes to find Maya. 

She has to be the first one to hear about this. 

They find her working on a small illustration in her studio. 

They’ve been talking about the new album they’ve started to work on. Progress is slow, but it is progress. And Noah’s enthusiasm for the concept seems to have coloured off on her too. Noah has a few of her sketches taped to the wall behind their monitor. 

Noah knocks on the frame of the open door. 

Maya looks up at them with a soft smile, “Hi baby.” 

“You got a moment for me?” They hope that they don’t sound as nervous as they feel. 

She pushes away from her desk, pulling the second chair towards her. 

“For you, always.” 

Noah sits, wringing their hands together in their lap. 

“Everything okay?” Maya reaches out to place her hand over theirs. 

This feels like an awfully daunting thing.

In a way it is, even though they know that Maya will be with them. 

Noah nods, “I think I have to drop the he.” they choke the words out before they manage to get caught in their throat. 

Maya blinks at them for a moment, before she nods. 

For a brief second, Noah thinks that she isn’t impressed, but then her lips twist into a smile. 

“Just they?” she asks curiously. 

Noah thinks. 

They know their answer. 

“Doesn’t feel like it’s enough, you know?” they reply. 

There’s a little bit of hesitance in Maya’s face. Her brow furrows, in that way it does when she’s trying to make up her mind about something.  

“I mean, there’s always she. You have been leaning towards more feminine things.” she says quietly. 

Noah’s heart thumps a little.  

They feel their lips beginning to tremble. 

It’s not panic – this is relief. 

Hearing her say it first makes it less scary. 

“I think I like that.” 

Noah presses her lips together. 

“I am so proud of you, baby.” Maya squeezes their hands, “And I love you so much.” 

“Promise?”

“I promise. Pinky promise.” she gives another squeeze, “And I’ll tell you as often as I have to.” 

Noah feels herself smile. 

It feels so new, but thinking of themself like this feels good – right. 

“Do you want to keep using they?” Maya asks then. 

She nods, “I like it. Both feels right.” 

Maya’s free hand finds its way to the side of Noah’s face. She carefully guides her closer, until they finally meet. It’s just a soft little thing, but it eases some of the weight from their shoulders. 

Maya scoots a little closer, her hand still covering Noah’s. Her gaze is soft and warm, and can practically feel the love seeping into her own skin. This whole thing is scary and exciting in equal measures, and while she’s sure that it will stay scary for a good while longer, she feels hopeful. 

The heavy weight of the last months doesn’t feel quite as heavy any more. There are still a few things that terrify them, but the biggest hurdle seems to be behind them. 

Noah can’t stop the tears then. 

Not a second after the first tear has fallen, Maya wraps herself around them. She holds Noah while they cry. The weight of his realisation still feels heavy, it’s still so daunting and new and overwhelming. 

It feels good to let all of it out. 

At some point, Maya moves them over into the living room. Noah doesn’t know or care how much time passes. All they know is that they feel a little bit lighter when they untangle themself from Maya.

“Feeling a little better?” Maya asks softly, tracing her fingers across Noah’s cheek.  

Noah nods, “Thank you for being – so understanding with all of this. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

“Luckily, we don’t have to think about that.” Maya says with a smile, “I know this is a lot for you, and I’ll take whatever I can off your shoulders. And please tell me if I say something that doesn’t feel right for you.” 

Somehow, Noah had thought that everything would change now. And sure, things do feel a little different. But not in the way that Noah had thought. Maya doesn’t look at her differently, doesn’t treat her differently. Maybe she’s a little more affectionate at the moment, but Noah can’t complain about that. 

She loves waking up with Maya wrapped around her, loves feeling the kisses she presses against her skin when they’re still drowsy and barely roused from sleep. They’ve always been soft like this with each other. Maya has always showered them with so much affection and love. She’s always called her pretty, but now it scratches that spot in the back of Noah’s brain like little else does. 

“Have you thought about telling them yet?” Maya asks, carding her fingers through Noah’s hair. 

She looks up at Maya and finds nothing but that softness she’s grown to love so much. 

“I should probably do it sooner rather than later. Just in case, you know? I don’t think anyone’s going to be weird about it, but you can never know.”

“If someone is getting weird about it, they’re not worth your time or energy.” Maya says softly, “I’m sure it’ll be fine. I know it’s scary, though. Maybe you could start with Nick?”

“Can you stay with me when I call him?”

“Of course.” she taps her finger against the tip of Noah’s nose, “It’ll go fine, though. You know Nicky. He loves you.” 

Maybe that’s the scary thing about this. 

The dynamic between her and Nick never changed, they’ve grown up sure, but in their essence they’ve always been the same. Deep down, she knows that things with Nick will go fine, but she can’t deny the lingering fear. 

Noah decides to give herself the weekend to prepare. They’ll call Nick on Monday morning and just get it over with. 

As daunting as this is, they know that they’ll have to tell him eventually. The rest of the band needs to know at some point, although they’re really not looking forward to informing the label. Noah has already made up their mind about not wanting to address this more than necessary. They don’t want a big statement unless it is absolutely necessary. They’re sure that people will want to know more, but right now, Noah really doesn’t want to elaborate on how or why they came to this conclusion. 

As much as they know that they have benefitted from hearing other people's stories, they don’t quite feel prepared to elaborate on the mental agony of the past few months. 

Maya had brought up the rather touchy subject of therapy again, only this time Noah hadn’t protested it as much as she had before. 

It’s probably a good idea. 

Talking to Maya about this helps, but there’s only so much she can do before she reaches the end of her admittedly limited knowledge. And really, Noah doesn’t want to load even more onto her shoulders. 

Noah spoons another blob of hummus onto the plate. 

They have an afternoon of movies planned. Noah is happy to be away from band related things for a little bit. They��ve been working on the album with a lot more intention recently, but for the moment Noah needs to think about other things. 

A pair of arms wraps around her middle. 

“Is that the good hummus?”

Noah hums in response. 

“Do we have those caramelised onion crackers too?”

“I got a bag when I went to the store earlier.”

Maya doesn’t need to know yet that they got two just in case. 

“You are the best.” Maya presses a kiss to her cheek, “Thank you, sweet girl.” 

Noah tenses in her embrace. 

Sweet girl. 

They’d loved it when Maya had referred to them as sweet boy. Hearing the term like this feels – surprisingly good. 

Noah hadn’t put a lot of thought into that side of things. She’d been so busy figuring out that boy wasn’t for her that she hadn’t considered if girl was the right thing. 

“Noah?” Maya asks quietly, “I’m sorry if that wasn’t okay. I know we haven’t talked about that yet. It just – it just kinda slipped out.” 

They’re not opposed to it. 

Right now, it feels terrifying, but Noah has learnt that these things only feel scary because they’re new. 

“It’s okay.” they reply, still somewhat absent-minded, “I think I like it.” 

“You think?” 

“It doesn’t feel bad. It’s just new, and I’m not really used to it yet.” 

Maya kisses her cheek once again, “I know it’s a lot. You’re doing a lot of new things at once at the moment. I’m more than happy to keep reminding you that you’re the prettiest girl, if that’s what you need.” 

Noah wriggles her way out of Maya’s grasp, turning around so that they can look at her properly. 

“If I’m the prettiest girl, what does that make you?” 

“You tell me.” the little smirk on Maya’s lips makes her pulse speed up. 

“Can we settle on a tie?” Noah places her hand on Maya's waist, easing her closer. 

“I think we can arrange that.” 

Maya pushes up onto the tips of her toes to kiss Noah again. The kiss teeters on the edge of becoming more, but Maya pulls away before her hands have a chance to wander around Noah’s frame. 

“And now get that snack plate ready, I want to start our film.” 

Monday eventually rolls around, and somehow Noah doesn’t feel less nervous. In fact, she thinks that she’s somehow even more nervous about the whole thing. 

She had texted Nick before breakfast to ask if he had time for a call later. 

They’d barely managed to get all of their breakfast down, but Maya had insisted that they should eat at least a little bit. 

“It’ll be okay. You’ve known Nick long enough to know that this won’t change how he sees you.” Maya gives their hand a little squeeze as she speaks, “I’m here as back up.” Noah draws in a deep breath before they tap on Nick’s name. 

It feels like forever until he finally picks up the call. 

There’s a little bit of talk about the album and Nick complains about being stuck on one song before he eventually remembers that Noah probably had something they wanted to discuss. 

“Did you want something specific?” 

Noah swallows a breath and Maya gives them a reassuring nod. 

“Actually, I did –” they pause, having suddenly forgotten everything they’d planned to say.

They find Maya’s eyes and the softness within them. She mouths a you got this at her, and Noah wants to believe her so desperately. 

“You know how I’ve always kinda struggled with how I look?” she starts, hoping that Nick remembers the times he had to talk them out of the spirals of self-hatred. 

“Sure do.” 

“So – I didn’t know what it was until recently. Maya helped me figure this out – or at least start to figure it out. I – fuck, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

Nick speaks up after a long moment, “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be okay. If whatever you’ve figured out makes you feel better about yourself, that’s good news for me.” It’s enough to make their chest feel a little lighter. 

Noah decides to bite the bullet then, rip off the band-aid. 

“I’ve been using they and she as pronouns for a little while now, and I don’t think that I’ve ever felt better about myself.”

Noah bites her lip so hard that she thinks that she’ll draw blood. 

She can hear Nick moving around in the background, and her heart almost sinks a little. 

“Sorry I had to find a tissue.” he sniffles, “I am – so proud of you. I don’t know what it took to get to that point, but I can’t imagine that it was easy.”

Hearing Nick’s support brings the tears right back. 

“Noah – is that still right or –?” 

“Name stays. Just a different label.” “I mean that. I’ve never been more proud of you. This — by the way — doesn’t change a thing between us. You’re still my best friend, and I’ll still tell you when you’re talking shit.”

Noah laughs between the tears that still run across their cheeks, “I’m counting on that.” 

They give Nick a little recap of the last few months. Nick apologises more than once for adding to the mess of feelings in their head, but Noah quickly waves him off. 

He couldn’t have known. 

They fall back into their usual banter fairly quickly. Maya leaves them alone soon after, pressing a quick kiss to Noah’s cheek before she excuses herself. 

It’s comfortable, familiar. 

Nick has always been a safe person, and in retrospect, Noah isn’t sure why she was so scared of this call. 

“Have you told the others yet?” Nick asks after a while. 

“You’re the first – well, second.” 

They can practically see the proud look on Nick’s face. 

“They’ll be good with it too, you know? We’ll figure out how to approach this with the public side of the band together. You’re not alone with that. And if someone is awful about it, we’ll sic Bryan on them.”

Knowing that Nick is on her side so unconditionally means the world to her. It means that she’ll have one more person to support her when she tells the next person. And that makes it less scary. 

An afternoon of gaming later, Noah feels decidedly more relaxed. Knowing that Nick is so very normal about it feels good. He does stumble a few times, but this is a change for him too. Nick has only known her as one thing, it’ll take him a moment to get used to it too. 

When Noah leaves their office later that day, Maya is nowhere to be seen. They check their phone, to find a message that she’d gone out with Ellie to do a little shopping. 

Noah’s fingers hover over the screen for a long moment before they decide to send the message. 

Can you bring me something? Just something you’d think I’d like?

Like a treat? I was going to do that anyway <3

To wear

There’s a long beat of silence that makes their heart rate spike. 

Sure! I’ll keep an eye open. Are you looking for something specific?

Not really. I have no idea what would suit me. 

I’ll get you something pretty <3 I’m bringing food on the way back. 

How did things with Nick go in the end? Everything good? 

Everything good 

Maya eventually returns with a few bags and a few styrofoam boxes of take out. Noah gets her usual kiss on the cheek before Maya even sets her things down. 

The reason for this surprise shopping trip apparently was that Ellie’s sure that her partner will propose over the weekend, and she wanted to have something to wear just in case. Hearing how many of their friends are moving towards that phase of life makes Noah wonder when they’ll take that step. They know that they can’t see themselves with anyone else but Maya, but there’s so much going on right now that adding a wedding to the mix wouldn’t be ideal. It’ll happen when the time is right. 

Noah’s already surprised that they’re thinking about a wedding in the first place. But that’s what being in love does, Noah supposes. 

After their late lunch, Maya sets to unpacking all of her bags. 

“I hope I guessed the sizes right. This might be a little trial and error.” She explains as she pulls a flimsy looking shirt out of one of the bags, “You’ll have to have a look on your own eventually. But I thought this might be a good place to start.” 

She hands Noah a stack of clothes. 

Maya had stuck to a simple black colour palette, which Noah is honestly thankful for. None of it looks too out there, although they don’t know how to feel about the see through shirt. 

“Give it a try.” 

Noah thinks she sounds a little nervous, and really she gets it. 

This is a big thing.

She feels awfully nervous too. 

“I’m gonna — be in the bedroom. I’ll — be back.” 

Noah feels a little awkward when she walks off to their bedroom. This isn’t as high-stakes as the skirt was. Maya had picked up a nice-looking pair of trousers for her. The shirt was the actually out there thing. She strips down to her underwear, the boxers are starting to feel a little uncomfortable. Maybe there’s an in-between option that they can go for instead. 

The trousers fit comfortably, although they are a little short at the legs – nothing new, though. As she picks up the shirt, something else tumbles from it. Noah recognises it as something Maya wears under similar shirts. The idea of having their chest on display like this doesn’t feel too appealing at the moment. 

They slip the thing over their head. It’s a little constricting at first, the fabric hasn’t really stretched yet, and it feels uncomfortably tight. Noah is willing to chalk that up to them just not being used to wearing these things. 

Their fingers tremble when they unbutton the shirt – blouse? — and pull it over their shoulders. The fabric is so soft. In a way, Noah is glad that Maya had removed all the tags beforehand. They don’t want to know how expensive this all was. 

Somehow this doesn’t look like a lot. 

Something is missing. 

Noah cracks open the door, poking their head through the gap, “Can you help me?” 

They hear her steps approaching from a different part of the house, quickly coming towards them. 

“Everything okay?” 

“I don’t know how to make this look good.” Noah says quietly. 

“If you let me in, I’m sure we can figure something out.” 

Noah steps back from the door, allowing her into the room. She suddenly feels a little shy about this. 

“Can I?” Maya asks. 

Noah gives a nod in response. 

She starts to tuck and adjust the shirt. She rolls up the sleeves a little, undoes a few buttons. Noah lets her work in peace, just quietly watching as the image in the mirror changes. Maya pulls a belt from their side of the closet. She has Noah put it on, while she digs through her jewellery box. 

“Sit down for me? You’re too tall.” Maya says with a soft smile, “Can’t reach you.” 

They slump down on the edge of their bed. Maya comes to stand in front of them. One of her hands finds Noah’s cheek, forcing her to look up. 

“How are you feeling, love?” 

“A lot in one day.” Noah replies, “But this is nice.” 

“Is it?” she leans down to kiss Noah, “I’m glad. How would you feel about a little jewellery? Just for a little flavour?”.

“Sure.” 

Maya moves back just a little, allowing her to clasp two of her necklaces around Noah’s neck. Once she’s done, she sits down next to them. Her head drops to Noah’s shoulder. 

They make a pretty picture together. 

Noah always thought that they look good together. Maya’s softness, mixed with their still rough edges, works so perfectly. They don’t think that they want to be quite as feminine as Maya, at least not right now. She did like wearing the dress, but for the moment, this feels safer. 

“I really do have the prettiest girlfriend.” Maya says after a while. 

Noah’s insides warm. 

She’s still not entirely used to it. 

“We’re not having this discussion again.” They reply quickly. 

Maya fixes their eyes in the mirror, “I stand by what I said.” 

Noah breaks into a smile that Maya quickly mirrors. 

They lean over to pull Maya in for a kiss. 

The kiss quickly devolves into more, with Noah leaning over her. She’s missed this. Feeling so detached from herself has made this side of their relationship so difficult. The added anxiety hadn’t helped either. 

Noah lets her hands wander up the sides of her body. It feels a little as if she’s never done this before. Her lips skate down the length of Maya’s neck, teeth grazing against the soft skin there. The perfume she put on this morning floods into Noah’s senses. They can’t tell exactly what it smells like, but it's soft and warm and comforting. 

Maya’s hands thread into her hair.

“Baby.” Maya’s voice barely breaks through the fog in their head. 

Noah peels themself away from her skin. 

“Are you sure about this?” she asks softly. 

“Gotta show you how thankful I am for everything you’ve done for me, don’t I?” Noah replies, feeling herself smile around the words, “You’ve done so much for me.”

She resumes her trail of kisses along Maya’s neck. Noah lets herself sink to the carpet in front of the bed. They’ve done this so often, but it still feels so new in this moment. 

They ease Maya out of her shorts, pulling her underwear down with them. 

They kiss their way up the inside of her thigh, just like they’ve always done. She leaves her pretty marks on Maya’s skin. 

It’s been too long since she got to do that. 

Noah savours the first kiss she places against her folds. She stays where she is for a moment, lingering in the feeling. It takes her a moment to find her rhythm again, but once she does, Maya quickly turns into a mess of moans. Her hand is tight in Noah’s hair, keeping them in place. 

“Noah.” She sighs, “Make me feel so good, my love.” 

Noah lets out a whine against her. 

They sink further against Maya, wrapping their lips around the little bud of nerves. The noises Maya makes only spur them on further. 

Noah pours every bit of emotion that has gathered up over the last few months into this. Everything to show her love just how grateful she is for all the patience and grace. 

They curl a single finger into her, drawing another pretty sigh from Maya. One finger quickly becomes two. It’s been too long since they’ve felt Maya come undone at her hands. 

They can tell that Maya won’t last much longer. The pitch of her moans is already rising steadily, and they can feel her clenching around their fingers. Noah keeps up her tempo, working her closer and closer towards her climax. 

She can’t wait to feel her falling apart. 

Noah doesn’t have to wait much longer. Just a few passes of her fingers and tongue later, she feels Maya pulse around her. She keeps herself buried in her warmth, carefully lapping at her while she falls apart. 

The hand in Noah’s hair tightens almost painfully. 

They’re pulled away a few moments later. 

Noah drops their head against Maya’s thigh, drawing in a deep breath. They haven’t felt this breathless in a good while. But seeing Maya so blissed out above them makes it with worth it. 

Maya looks down at her with a barely there smile playing on her lips, “Thank you, my love.”

Noah presses a kiss to the skin of her thigh, “Thank you.”

“Do you – will you let me make you feel good too?”

Noah hates how hesitant she sounds. 

And they feel even worse when they shake their head, “I have no issue doing this for you, but anything to do with my – you know – makes me feel a little off right now. I’m sorry.” 

Maya’s hand combs through her hair so gently, “Don’t be sorry, love. It’s okay. I want you to feel good, and if you don’t want that right now, that’s okay.” 

Her hand settles on their cheek and Noah leans into her touch.  

“How about we get into something comfy and watch a movie or something?” she asks softly, “I think we still have a tub of the nice chocolate ice cream.” 

They must have missed the text.

Jolly doesn’t usually show up unannounced like this. She can hear them talking in the living room, but the words don’t quite make it through the door. 

Noah feels the panic rising in their chest. 

This is not how they had planned it. 

They’d made a whole elaborate plan on how they wanted to tell the boys. She wanted to do it on her own terms, decide when and how she wanted to tell them. 

This isn’t what she wanted. 

Noah’s breathing picks up.  

Their chest feels so awfully tightly. It hasn’t felt this tight in weeks. 

She tries her hardest to keep herself centred. She still doesn’t have a fool-proof method to stop the panic. 

Maya helps the most. 

She can’t always have Maya with her, even if that’s what she wants. 

Their phone buzzes, catching her attention. 

She reaches for it with the shakiest hands. Their fingers tremble when they unlock their phone. 

Jolly’s here I told him you were in a meeting. Do you want me to tell him to come back later?

Just give me a moment. 

This wasn’t how Noah had planned to tell Jolly. They would have liked a bit more time to prepare, but maybe it can’t always be how they want it to be. 

Noah gives themself a quick once over on the webcam. She’d needed to feel a little more confident today. The subtle make-up she’d put on that morning had given her the boost she’d needed to make the day a little easier, but now she has to face the prospect of Jolly seeing her like this. 

They knew it would happen at some point, but maybe she would have liked a little more time to prepare. 

Maya will be there as a buffer. 

Jolly will be okay with it. He’ll be okay with it. 

She steels herself for it. 

It’ll be fine. 

It’ll be fine. 

It’ll be fine. 

They draw in another deep breath. 

Noah can hear their muffled conversation behind the door. 

It’s terrifying. 

But this is who they are and sooner or later, they’ll have to find out. Sooner or later, everyone will see them. 

And she wants them to see. 

Rip off the band-aid, Noah tells herself. 

They open the door. 

Jolly and Maya are so caught up in their conversation that they don’t immediately notice them entering. Noah decides to just find a spot next to Maya as if nothing at all has changed. 

Jolly stops mid-sentence and gives them a once over. 

“This is new.” He states. 

“Not that new.” Noah replies. 

Maya barely manages to contain her laughter. 

“Well, it’s new to me.” Jolly still looks a little perplexed, and Noah does feel a little bad for leaving him in the dark like this. 

He’s obviously trying to decide how to approach this, and he’s very clearly having a tough time with it. 

“I — this isn’t how I had planned to do this at all, but you’re here now, and I can’t be in control of this all the time. I had a little realisation a while back and —” Noah reaches for Maya’s hand for support, “I’ve been using she and they as pronouns, and it’s been really good for me.”

Maya squeezes their hand as if to say well done. 

They watch Jolly absorb the information. 

“Are you happy?” He asks then. 

Noah doesn’t have to think about it at all. 

“I don’t think that I’ve ever been happier.”

Jolly looks at them for a long moment before he smiles. 

“That’s the important thing. I’m happy for you.” The genuine warmth that comes from him ushers the last bits of panic from their shoulders, “Anything I need to keep in mind? Do I need to change your name in my phone?”

Noah shakes their head, “Name stays.” 

“You know the label is going to love this, right?” Jolly suddenly sounds rather serious, “There’s a non-zero chance that they’ll try to centre all the marketing for the album around it.”

Noah hadn’t exactly thought this far. In fact, they hadn’t thought about the label at all. 

“If you don’t want that, we’ll make that clear. You know we won’t leave you alone with this. We’re all with you.” 

Noah didn’t expect him to react differently, but just as it had been with Nick, it's good to have confirmation. 

The conversation goes on and eventually drifts off into the actual reason for Jolly’s visit. They eventually move over into the studio, getting lost in the track they’ve been working on. 

It’s been a good while since they’ve had the option to work together like this. With the lockdown and the move, they’ve done most of the work on the album remotely. Actually being in the same room is good. 

They’re bouncing around ideas as if nothing has changed at all, and Noah is honestly glad that Jolly isn’t making a big deal out of this. She thinks that she catches him looking at her with a somewhat contemplative look. 

And she gets it. 

This is a big thing – not just for her, but for all of them. 

All of their livelihoods depend on this band. 

This will, inevitably, affect all of them. 

“Noah?” 

They look up from where they’ve zoned out. 

“I know this is a big thing, but I promise you that it’ll be fine. The band will be fine. If someone has an issue with you figuring out who you are, they can get lost. We don’t need people like that.” Jolly places a hand on their shoulder, “You will always be one of us. Different pronouns and clothes won’t change that.”

Noah quickly finds herself wrapped up in a tight hug. 

She lets herself sag against Jolly. 

The tears come a moment later. 

Jolly lets them cry until their shoulders stop shaking. 

“We’ll be fine. This is scary, but it’ll be fine. You’re not alone. We’re all here for you. I imagine that Maya did most of the heavy lifting with you, but if you ever need to talk, I’m here. Doesn’t matter what time it is. I hope you know that was the case before this, too.”  

“Thank you. Really.” 

Jolly waves his hand dismissively, “Not for that. This is just being a good friend. Should we get this finished, or do you want to get back to it later?” 

“Do you want to stay for lunch? I think Maya’s making some baked thing.” 

Jolly naturally stays. 

And while the recipe Maya tried out didn’t work out like she had planned, they still get a good laugh out of it. It’s not entirely dreadful, Noah thinks, but they know that Maya will be a little disappointed by it. 

They’re cleaning up the dishes when Jolly leans into Noah’s space again. 

“Before I forget. Who else have you told? I don’t want to accidentally mention this to someone before you get a chance to tell them yourself.” 

“Just you and Nick.” Noah replies, “And Maya, of course.” 

Jolly nods, “Good. Just making sure. This is not my news to spread around. I’m sorry if this happened before you were ready for it. I just happened to be in the area, and it was easier to stop by then text you.” 

“It’s okay. I can’t control how it happens every time. Sometimes people are just going to find out and I have to deal with that.” 

“Remember that we have to start thinking about the album rollout soon. We can control how people find out to an extent, but eventually, it’ll be out of our grasp.” 

There are a lot of things Noah hasn’t really considered yet. 

In a way, it’s a clean break. 

They’re coming back with a new album and things will just be a little different. 

It’s like Jolly said. If people have an issue with this, they can stay away. The right people will stay, and maybe a few new ones will join them too. 

Work on the album goes well. Jolly comes over a few more times to finish the last few tracks. Overall, Noah is more than happy with it. The album has turned out more introspective than they had planned, but then again, things have been rather tumultuous. 

With Davis clued in too, they’ve started working on merchandise and art.

Noah has decided to rip off another band-aid and sent a text to Matt letting him know.

Thankfully, Matt seems quite okay with it all and immediately returns to business after acknowledging the news. 

Folio is a different story. They’d called him about a week earlier and he’s still asking questions. 

It’s endearing. 

They all have their own ways of showing their support, and Noah appreciates all of it. 

Noah shifts where they’re settled against Maya’s side. They’re rewatching Avatar again, meaning that won’t miss anything if she allows herself to drift off into thought once in a while. 

She had felt so caged in and isolated before she had opened up about to Maya about how she felt, all of out of fear of being even more alone. And now she’s sure that she’s never felt more loved before. Even with this big change, their people still love them. 

Maya lets out a huff. 

Noah turns to look at her. 

“Nick’s calling. He’s so worried that he’ll say or do something wrong.” she says with a sigh, “Let me get up? I won’t be long.” 

As much as Noah doesn’t want to let her go, she reluctantly lets herself slump over to the other side of the sofa. 

Maya gives their hand a quick squeeze as she gets up. She answers the call just as she slips into her studio. Noah knows that she’s probably just going to reassure Nick that he can’t really do anything wrong, but her curiosity gets the better of her. 

They follow a moment later, just to listen in for a moment. 

“Nick – I promise you that you can’t do anything wrong. This is new for all of us. And I know that you don’t want to hurt her, but don’t you think that Noah knows that you won’t say something hurtful on purpose?” Maya asks with a hint of humour in her voice, “You've known them for how long now? — Exactly. It’ll be fine. I promise. — No, Nick, this is not annoying. It’s okay. I’d rather have you ask questions than make assumptions. And I know Noah feels the same way. You can’t imagine how much knowing that you’re all on their side means to them. They were so scared that somehow one of you wouldn’t be – I know – but I’m glad that it all worked out. Won’t lie, for a while, when I didn’t know what was going on yet, I didn’t know what she was doing to do. I’d never seen them like that and it really scared me. But, thankfully, everything worked out. We’ll see you next week, right? Good –” 

Noah quickly makes their way back to the sofa before Maya hangs up.  

They know that they’d worried her, but sometimes it slips their mind just how much anguish they put Maya through. 

She emerges a short while later and sinks down next to them again, “You wanna get comfy in bed? We have a big day planned for tomorrow.” 

They’re only going shopping tomorrow, but Noah has made the plan to at least try to buy something more feminine. They want what they’ll wear on stage to go with the vibe of the album, and that means new clothes. 

It’ll be a challenge. 

She’s stolen a few things from Maya, but it’s just not the same thing. Borrowing Maya’s clothes helped, but she wants to find her own style. 

“Early night sounds good.” Noah agrees. 

Somehow this is more daunting than Noah had expected. This isn’t their first time going out since they’ve made the switch, but they’ll be out for a while and there’s very little space for them to hide away if they do get overwhelmed. Having Maya at their side does help, but even Maya can’t make all of their anxieties disappear. 

The fact that they’re here to buy more clothes for her doesn’t help either. They try to keep telling themselves that it's only clothing. 

It’s not that big of a deal. 

Noah follows Maya through the racks. They don’t really know what they’re looking for, which doesn’t make this easier. Maya keeps holding out random things to them, but so far, nothing has felt right. 

Noah plucks a shirt from one of the racks. It’s similar to the cropped ones that they’ve borrowed from Maya. 

“That’s cute.” Maya notes, “Could be fun with that one button up you’ve never worn and some shorts.”

Noah tries to imagine it. They know the shirt Maya is talking about. They’d wanted to try it, but it had never looked quite right. Maybe this could work. 

“You know – somehow didn’t think that shorts were an option.” 

Maya smiles so sweetly then, “We live in L.A. babe. When was the last time you’ve seen me in jeans?”

“So, where do we get shorts?” 

Somehow that seems to break the dam. 

They wander from store to store after that, and Noah tries her best to not feel self-conscious about how much money they’re spending or the fact that she’s carrying bags of clothes that will make her feel so much better about herself. 

To their surprise, people don’t seem to be too fussed even when Noah browses the racks of the women’s section on their own. 

Maya wants to make one final stop before they get lunch. As they approach the store, Noah realises where they’re going. They’ve accompanied Maya here before, so eager to get a peek into her dressing room. Everything Maya had bought from this shop had turned their brain into soup. 

Coming here now feels a little scary. 

Noah can’t quite picture what their body would look like in underwear like this. They’ve barely managed to graduate to things with less coverage than their usual boxers. The lacy little things Maya wears still feel very daunting. 

They reach for her hand, trying to find a little comfort for their frayed nerves. 

“You don’t have to get anything if you don’t want to. I just want to have a look at the new arrivals.”  

Noah is content to just watch while Maya browses. They watch her pick up a few things to try on and just out of curiosity, Noah decides to examine some of the items a little closer. 

The first thing that catches their eye is a deep red set. The panties are fairly high-waisted, something she likes seeing on Maya. There are two matching top options – a bra with cups and something she’s sure Maya has called a bralette before, but who really knows. 

She picks up the top. The fabric is so soft between their fingers. They don’t know if this would even fit them. 

“Found something you like?” Maya presses up behind them. 

Noah gives a nod, “I just don’t know if it’ll fit.” 

Maya eyes the garments, taking it from their hands, “Should be okay. Do you wanna get this?”

“I want to try it at least.” they say quietly. 

“We can buy it and if you decide that you don’t like it for whatever reason we’ll figure something out.” 

They watch as Maya pays for their items. 

Noah can’t quiet decide if she’s anxious or excited about this. 

The more they’ve been actively exploring this side of them, the more comfortable they’ve become with it. Some of the insecurities they’ve held before suddenly make a lot of sense. With the realisation that boy had never been the right thing for them, a few had simply disappeared. Sure, in turn they’d discovered new things to be insecure about, but in the grand scheme of thing Noah has never felt more comfortable in their body. 

Noah can hardly contain their excitement when they get back home. She’s only tried on a few things at the stores, but some of the more out there things were reserved for the safety of their home. They’ve stuck to trousers for the most part, but the shirt options they’ve picked are a little more bold. 

But there’s something Noah is particularly excited to try on. Throughout the drive home, Noah has come to the conclusion that their feelings towards underwear lean more towards excitement. Their hope is that it’ll make them feel a little bit better about their bare body. It won’t make everything disappear, but maybe it’ll give them a little bit more confidence. And maybe it’ll spark something else too. 

Noah pluck their bag from the lingerie store and disappear into the bathroom, while Maya is distracted by something else. 

She wants to try this on her own first – just in case. This is still a big thing, after all. Noah strips down to their underwear. They’ve taken to wearing soft, unlined sports bras just for the feeling. There’s nothing to cover, but the extra step makes them feel a little more feminine. 

So far, it has worked. 

They take a moment to look at themselves. Their body hasn’t changed much, there are things they wish were different, but they’ve come to realise that these things don’t happen overnight. Noah has considered her options and while she hasn’t settled on anything yet, she has brought some of it up to Maya for a second opinion.

Noah finally shimmies out of their underwear. 

The new stuff doesn’t look quite as scary now that they’re in the safety of their home. Their hands still shake a little when they pull the panties up their thighs. The material feels so different on their skin. Noah adjusts themselves, trying to get comfortable in this. It’s clear that this isn’t made for their anatomy, but it feels good regardless. The high-waisted fit of the panties gives their waist a little more definition, and with the way the legs are cut out they actually feel as if there’s shape to their form. Noah tugs on the bralette, this isn’t too different from the things they’ve been wearing for a couple of weeks now. The fabric makes a world of a difference, though. The colour looks beautiful against their skin, and they like how the see-through fabric shows off their tattoos. 

They hear Maya call their name from the bedroom. 

Noah gives herself a final once over in the mirror before she pulls her shirt back over her frame. She loves when Maya does this, and showing herself off like this feels right.  

She opens the door to the bedroom, stepping out into the room. 

“Have you seen the —” Maya stops as soon as she sees them. 

Her eyes drift across Noah’s frame. 

They feel brave today. It’s taken them a while to feel comfortable showing their body again, even just to Maya. But today they feel good about themselves. Seeing Maya so affected by them definitely helps. 

“Did you try on the underwear?” she asks softly. 

Noah nods. 

Maya meets them in the middle of the room. She pulls Noah in for a kiss. Her hand is so soft on the side of their face. Maya’s unoccupied hand plays with the hem of their shirt, and Noah knows exactly what she wants. They’ve done the same to her. 

“Can I see?” there’s a trace of hesitance in her voice, but the curiosity outweighs it easily. 

Noah has long made up her mind. She wants Maya to see – to touch. 

They reach for the bottom of the shirt and slowly pull it upwards. Maya’s hands practically fly to their waist as soon as it is revealed to her. They feel her eyes drifting across their body, trying to take all of them in. 

“Noah.” she sighs, “You – you look so beautiful.” 

They meet in another kiss. Noah feels herself being pulled in by her waist, as Maya’s hand shifts to the small of her back. They shove their hand under Maya’s shirt, suddenly desperate to feel skin too. 

It’s been a while since they’ve been close like this and admittedly, Noah has missed it. 

Maya carefully walks them back towards the bed. Noah lets herself fall onto the mattress with a laugh. Maya quickly straddles her waist, leaning down to kiss her again. 

“Are you okay with this?” she asks between the kisses they trade. 

Noah sighs out a yes. 

They need to feel her hands on their body, need the gentle affection Maya is so willing to give them. 

From their lips, Maya begins a trail of kisses down their neck. She leaves her marks there, sucking a pretty bruise just under the edge of their jaw. Noah’s brain is already so full of fuzz. They feel hands drifting across their body, fingers tracing along the lines of their tattoos. 

Maya’s hands come to cover their chest. There isn’t anything to cup there, but the idea of it alone is enough to make Noah sigh. A thumb drags across their nipple, before she tugs at it just a little. The sting of it pulls a sound from Noah’s throat. 

Noah tangles a hair into Maya’s hair as she continues to descend along her body. They can feel the excitement bubbling in the middle as she trails her kisses along their tummy. 

“Can I touch you?” Maya asks softly. 

“Please.” she chokes out, “Please – it’s been so long.” 

Maya lets out a quiet chuckle, before she lets her hand wander lower. For now, it stays above her underwear. She places her hand above Noah’s crotch. Her touch is light, giving Noah a moment to adjust to it. 

Maya continues to kiss across their chest and tummy while the pressure of her hand slowly increases. Noah’s already halfway to hard and they’ve barely done anything at all. 

“Tell me if something feels off, okay? I want you to feel good.” Maya looks up at her with such a devastating softness. 

Maya slowly works her hand into their panties. Noah sighs when her hand curls around their cock. 

“I almost don’t want to take these off you.” Maya muses, as her fingers trace across the waistband of the panties, “You look so pretty in them.” 

“I feel pretty.”  

“Good.” She presses a kiss against their tummy, “Now let me make you feel good.” 

She carefully tugs the panties down until Noah’s cock comes free. 

Noah makes a little high-pitched sound when it slaps up against her tummy. Maya’s hand immediately returns to her, setting a slow, but steady rhythm. She continues peppering Noah’s skin with the softest kisses. Noah doesn’t even try to stop herself from moaning. She knows that Maya loves to hear her sounds, and it all feels too good anyway. 

The brush of Maya’s tongue against the head of their cock makes their hips tip forward. It’s been months since they’ve felt anything except the occasional rushed touch of their own hand on their skin. 

Noah whines when she takes the head between her lips. It’s almost overwhelming. The warmth of her mouth erases practically every thought in Noah’s head. Maya has always had that effect on them, but it’s so much more intense now. They drop their head back against the pillow, allowing themself to get lost in the sensation. 

Their hand tangles into Maya’s hair, less to direct her and more to keep her close. Noah decides then that she needs to feel more. While the mouth of her love feels good, she needs to feel all of her. 

“Maya.” she sighs, “I – fuck – let me feel you. Please. I wanna be inside –” the words come out broken up and breathy, but she can’t bring herself to worry, “Please baby.” she chokes out, “Please let me feel you. It’s been so long.” 

She hasn’t felt this desperate for her in a while.

Maya pulls away from them, but keeps her hand on their cock. 

“How do you want me?”

“Can you — on top of me.” Noah makes herself say between the soft sighs Maya pulls from her.

They watch as Maya undresses herself. She doesn’t make much of a show of it. And just a few moments later, she’s straddling Noah’s waist.

She reaches for their hand and guides it between her thighs. Noah dips her fingers between her folds. She’s soaked already. Maya sighs when their fingers sink into her. She’s so soft and warm, and Noah can’t wait to feel her wrapped around them again. It’s been far too long.

“Noah.” 

Hearing her sigh their name like that makes the warmth in their belly burn even hotter. They curl their fingers inside of her, pulling another moan from her. 

The need to feel her becomes too overwhelming then. 

“Think you’re ready?” She asks, finding herself sounding a little shaky. 

Maya nods, drawing in a stuttered breath. 

Noah slowly pulls their fingers from her. They guide the head of their cock towards her entrance. Their breath catches in their throat when they make contact, and Noah has to take a moment to stop themselves from coming undone then and there. Maya sinks down on her so, so slowly. 

She tangles their fingers together, holding on to Noah for dear life. Her eyes fall shut as she sinks lower. Noah thinks that she’s never been more beautiful. Her lips tremble, brows furrowed so slightly.

Maya pauses once she’s fully seated on top of Noah. She leans forward to meet kiss them. Her hand is so soft and warm against their cheek. It’s all so dizzying. 

“I love you so much, Noah.” she speaks against their lips, “My beautiful darling. My beautiful girl.” 

Their heart pounds in their chest. 

It still feels so novel, but god it feels good.

Noah pulls her back down for another kiss. 

“I love you.” Noah replies, lips spreading into a smile. 

Maya stays close for a moment longer, allowing both of them to settle just a little more. The soft kisses and words they exchange sear themselves into Noah’s mind. They know that Maya loves them, she shows it without shame. But in this moment, Noah feels so impossibly loved. 

Noah trails her fingers up the length of Maya’s back, pulling a little laugh from her. 

She grinds down against them, making both of them moan. 

The slow rhythm she sets makes Noah’s head swim. It’s a grind more than anything else, but it’s enough – more than enough, actually. 

Their hands are still interlaced, and Noah is glad to have that security. Their free hand roams across Maya’s thigh. Noah lets their eyes drift across her body from where they’re joined all the way up to her face. They find Maya already fixed on them, and they can’t possibly look away again. 

Noah doesn’t know how long they’ll last. 

Their constitution feels so worn and frayed already. Maya’s soft praise only pushes her further towards the edge.

“You feel so good.” she sighs, “Make me feel so good, my love.”

Noah wants to return the words and tell Maya how good she’s making her feel, but the words just won’t come. The only thing she can offer is a near wanton moan. 

Their hand grips into Maya’s thigh a little tighter as their hips pitch upwards. 

“You’re so close, aren’t you, baby?” she asks softly.

Noah gives another whine in response, “So close. You feel so good around me.”

Maya picks up her effort a little, now seemingly intent on bringing both of them to their climax. The warmth that spreads through them is unlike anything they’ve felt before. Feeling Maya clench around them makes their vision white out a little. 

They feel Maya tip forward against their chest at some point. They wrap their arms around her body, keeping her as close as possible to them. Their chests heave in unison. Noah is sure that they’ve never been more connected. 

Maya rests her head against their chest. With just a turn of their head, Noah can press their lips to her forehead. They stay like this for a long moment, just enjoying each other's warmth and presence. Noah hadn’t realised just how much they’ve missed this. Being close to Maya like this always made them feel more connected to her, and starving themself of this connection had impacted them more than they had previously thought. 

Half an hour later, they’re cuddled up in bed. 

Noah shuffles back against Maya’s chest. She wraps her arm around them, her hand settling on their tummy. Maya presses a kiss to their bare shoulder. 

Noah lets herself sink into the embrace, allowing it to envelop her entirely. Their nerves still buzz with the ecstasy of their high, but it's a pleasant, warm feeling. 

They doze off a little while later, entirely content and happy. 

Noah paces along the length of their living room. 

The article and the related posts will drop any moment and god she’s never been more nervous. This is the first time they’ll be seen in public since they’ve gone down this road. The pictures Bryan has taken are genuinely some of their favourites. 

Maya had helped her assemble a good look for this shoot. The new clothes and a little bit of make-up had done a world of a difference. Noah had felt incredibly confident that day. 

Right now, all she wants to do is sink into the ground until all of this is over. 

“It’s up.” Nick announces. 

Noah swears that she’s going to throw up. 

At this point, the actual album release will be a breeze. 

Maya wraps an arm around their middle. 

“It’ll be okay, love. You know that the important people are on your side.” she says quietly, “We all love you so much. I love you so much.” 

Noah pulls their phone from the pocket of their sweats. The tremble of their hand makes it almost impossible to unlock their phone. They navigate towards Instagram, fully knowing that some of the words will sting. 

They scroll through the comments, anticipating the vitriol. 

The first comment that catches their eye is the exact opposite of what they’d expected. 

this is so cool! i’m proud of them <3

i love seeing someone living as themselves

this rocks, haters can get fucked 

whoa i didn’t know noah went by they/she that’s dope!

There are a few odd comments that follow the usual bigoted pattern. The overwhelming majority is either just really excited to see them release new music or offering their support for Noah. 

“I told you they’d be good.” Nick calls from the other side of the room. 

There’s a little commotion about someone commenting that they’re only going in this direction because of Cyberpunk, but the room quickly quiets down again. 

Noah is set to make an appearance on a podcast with Jolly later that day. They know the person they’re supposed to talk to, and Noah is surprisingly excited to get to talk about the new album. They’ve worked hard on this and Noah knows that they’re all very proud of what they’ve created. Being able to talk about it after all this time feels good. 

For the first time since they’ve been doing interviews, Matt has requested that they’re sent the questions ahead of time, just so they can have a bit of control over what they’re asked. Noah knows that they won’t be able to avoid the topic entirely, but they don’t want it to become the main focus of every interview they do from now on. Which pronouns they use shouldn’t have anything to do with the music the band they’re in makes. Thankfully, this interviewer had stuck to the more important things. 

“Now, this new cycle comes with a lot of changes for you as a band.” he starts and Noah steels themselves for the inevitable question, “It seems like you’ve changed up your sound quite a bit from the snippets we’ve heard so far. Will the whole album lean into that kind of sound or will there be some of the heavier sound that we’re used to from you?” 

Noah let’s out the breath they’ve been holding as Jolly gives his answer. They chime in eventually, adding that they want to keep evolving their sound, both for their and their audiences' sake. To keep things interesting. 

Noah marks this day as a good one. 

Things could have gone quite a lot worse, all things considered. She tries not to think about the mountain of unanswered e-mails that still waits for her. They’ll work their way through them in the coming days.

They spend what’s left of the day together as a group. 

They don’t get nearly enough days to just hang out together any more. Having time with their friends without the looming obligations biting at their ankles is nice. 

For the rest of the evening, the band doesn’t matter, and they’re just a group of friends spending good quality time together. 

Watching the tickets for the tour sell out had been invigorating. It is just a small run of shows but knowing that they had sold out almost all of the shows had been a massive boost to their ego. 

The general reception of the new music had been good, and it had eased Noah’s nerves about the first show, at least a little bit. 

Now that the day has come, though, Noah feels impossibly nervous. They know that they’ve been a little irritable all day, but if anyone had been affected by it, they hadn’t made it known. 

Doors have opened by now, and Noah really should start to get ready. She’s kept herself busy with vocal warm-ups and administrative things. All that was left to do now was get dressed. 

Noah enters the dressing room, to find Maya sorting through their things. 

“There you are.” she says with a smile, “I was about to text you. Do you need help getting ready or do you want me to leave you alone?”

“Please stay?” Noah asks as they wrap their arms around her middle, “I think I might need a little help.” 

The outfit they’ve picked for this show is fairly neutral. With a few tricks, Maya had somehow managed to give their waist a little more definition. It’s not ideal yet, but it’s all in the works now. They’ve already made so much progress, and everything that is coming up now will only make things better. 

Noah sits down in front of the vanity. 

They’ve done this so often already, but right now, they can’t stop their hands from shaking. Maya pulls a chair up next to them, taking the brush out of their hand. 

“Let me help you, my love.” she says softly. 

Noah gladly turns their chair towards her. Maybe having this moment will make her feel a little calmer. 

“Didn’t get a chance to ask earlier, how did your last therapy session go?” Maya asks as she continues to work on their make-up. 

Noah had brought up a big question during the last session. They’d thought about it for a while. They had figured out very early on that the thing that had the biggest impact on their dysphoria was how boyish their body still felt. Noah has done what they could, and the logical next step is – as much as it scared them – hormones. 

They have brought it up with Maya before, but it had never been a firm decision. Maya had, naturally, been incredibly supportive of the idea. 

“I asked her about HRT.”

Maya stops moving then. She sets down the products in her hands. 

“You did? What did she say?” ​​

“She’s going to write me a note just in case. But she agrees that it’s the best option for me.” 

Maya breaks into a wide smile. She wraps them into a tight hug. Maya presses a plethora of kisses against the cheeks and lips. 

“That’s so good. I’m so happy for you.” 

Noah lets herself sink against Maya. Her support has been their biggest crutch during all of this. They don’t know what they would have done if they didn’t have Maya, or even worse if she hadn’t been supportive of them. Thankfully, Noah doesn’t have to worry about that. Somehow, she’s ended up with the best support system she could have asked for.

“Thank you, really.” Noah says finally, “I couldn’t have done any of this without you.” 

Maya pulls away from them just enough to look at them, “You’re my person, Noah. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. With maybe a few exceptions – I draw the line at murder.”

Noah can’t help but laugh at that. 

“I mean that. Watching you be so sad and unlike yourself during those first few weeks – I never want that again. I’ll do whatever I can to help you.” 

Noah has to fight the tears. They’ve had this talk a few times, but it never fails to bring her to tears. 

“You don’t know how much that means to me.” Noah sniffles.

“I just need you to talk to me. Tell me when you need something. I can’t read your mind yet.” 

“I’ll do my best.” Noah leans in to steal a kiss from her, “I think we have to get going, though. Don’t wanna rush things. And Bryan will want to take a few more pictures.” 

Maya gives them another kiss before she continues to work on their make-up. 

Maya doesn’t do anything too out of the ordinary, but it’s enough to make them feel comfortable and confident. And mixed with the outfit, Noah feels more than ready to head out on stage again. 

As expected, Bryan snaps a few more pictures of all four of them. He has been taking candids all afternoon, and Noah is genuinely curious to see how Bryan has captured her. They all go about their own little routines in the last few moments before they go on stage. 

Noah stops by the last restroom before the stage, just to get a final glimpse at themself. So much, and at the same time so little, has changed. 

For the moment, the nerves outweigh any kind of excitement they feel. Noah’s sure that thing will settle once they’re actually one stage and the first song is underway. It’s always like that. 

They’re always impossibly nervous up until the moment they’re singing the first line. Noah finds her eyes in the mirror. 

She’ll be okay. 

Noah tugs at her shirt for a moment, makes sure that the buckle of her belt is centred. She fixes her hair, swipes a little speck of eyeshadow from her cheek. Noah wonders how long she can hide away here. 

They can hear them talking outside, they’re sure that they can hear Matt and Nick talking right in front of the door. Something about the last few shows selling out too. 

Noah decides that it’s time to stop stalling. 

She exits the restroom again and wriggles her way into their conversation. 

“What’s that about selling out?” they ask, draping their arm across Nicks shoulder. 

“Tour’s all sold out.” Matt announces, “Album’s selling like mad, too. At this point, we might even make a profit.”

Hearing that their coming out had no major negative impact on the band and their career takes a good chunk of weight off their shoulders. Nick pulls them into a half hug. 

A moment later, they’re all huddled up. Jolly says something about how they’ll be better than ever tonight, but Noah can barely hear him over the buzzing in their ears. They can hear the noise of the crowd, their excited cheers as the lights dim down. 

Folio’s excitement about getting back on stage bubbles over into her. 

This will be a good one. 

Just before they go on stage, they look back to see Maya coming up towards the side with Davis. 

All of her favourite people are here tonight. Everyone she loves is here to support them – to support her. 

As soon as they step foot on stage and the noise of the crowd fills their ears, they know that things will be okay. The show is unlike any they’ve played before. The energy in the room gives Noah drive to barrel through the setlist. 

And by the time the band takes their bows, Noah is sure of it all. 

Things will be okay. 

Noah is glad that they’ve decided against a big dinner with everyone after the show. Instead, they find themself curled up against Maya’s side while they devour their spread of takeout. The show flickering across the screen matters little, Noah is too lost in their own thoughts to pay attention to it. 

The night couldn’t have gone better. 

Being welcomed back with such open arms had superseded any expectation they’d had leading up to today. Sure, they’d hoped that people would be accepting or even welcoming, but the outpouring of love and support not just for her but for the whole band had meant the world to her. 

The thing that had really sealed it all was seeing Maya at the side of the stage. The pride and love they had found on her face had made it all worth it. 

Noah shifts against her, trying to get a little more comfortable. They’re exhausted beyond reason and here, with Maya so close, they’re about ready to clock out for the night. 

Maya presses an absent-minded kiss to the top of their head, as her arm tightens around their middle. 

This is all they need, Noah thinks. 

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[captainconvey]

‘We Are Our Own Worst Enemy!’: LeBron James Accused of Blaming Black People for Tyre Nichols’ Death.

Credit Breitbart.com

NBA basketball icon LeBron James has taken a beating on social media after saying black people are “our own worst enemy” in response to the police brutality incident that led to the death of Tyre Nichols.

Last week, the nation came to a standstill when released footage showed five black Memphis police officers brutally beating Tyre Nichols during an arrest, which subsequently led to his death.

Basketball star LeBron James, who has spent the latter half of his career pushing social justice messages regarding race, used the moment to say black people are “our own worst enemy.”

Jason Whitlock on Memphis PD Video of Tyre Nichols Beating: ‘It Looked Like What Young Black Men Do When They’re Supervised by a Single Black Woman’

Jason Whitlock

Fearless with Jason Whitlock

Ep 366 | Attitude & Frustration at the Root of Tyre Nichols Tragedy, Not Racism

Three weeks ago, in a traffic stop on January 7, Tyre Nichols was hospitalized upon arrest and died three days later. He was beaten by five Memphis police officers who, since then, have turned themselves in. Today, MPD will be releasing the body camera footage of the incident. Today on “Fearless,” Jason discusses the common narrative of policemen being "racist cops" with “Fearless” soldiers Delano Squires and Shemeka Michelle. Jason asks people to consider an alternative to what’s really going on. Perhaps attitude and frustration are the culprits, not racism.

Jason Whitlock interview on Tucker Carlson Tonight

During an appearance on FNC’s “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” Jason Whitlock, host of the “Fearless” podcast, said the actions of the five Memphis Police Officers charged with the murder of Tyre Nichols were a reflection of the breakdown of the family.

According to Whitlock, the beating was a clear-cut case of illegality by the accused law enforcement officers. However, it also appeared to represent the culture of single mothers who have risen to leadership posts in many American cities.

“They don’t want us focused on reality. Hey, if they want to devote an hour of coverage to this and weekend coverage of this, and they want to take us to a good place, I would examine the racial element of this because there is a racial element. And this is a story about young black men and their inability to treat each other in a humane way. Everybody involved in this on the street level was either 24 to 32 years old, everybody. It was a group of young black men, five-on-one. It looked like gang violence to me. It looked like what young black men do when they’re supervised by a single black woman, and that’s what they’ve got going on in the Memphis Police Department.”

“They’ve elected some — put some black woman in charge of the police force, and we are getting the same kind of chaos and disunity and violence that we see in a lot of these cities that are run by single mothers,” Whitlock continued. “If we want to discuss the breakdown of family that leads to disrespect for authority that causes you to resist the police and run from the police and not comply with the police because you resist authority at all time because there was no male authority in your home, let’s have that discussion.”

“But that’s not where they want to take us,” he added. “They want to take us down the path of saying, you know what, this is Tucker Carlson’s fault. This is some random white — this is Donald Trump’s fault. It’s not. It is the breakdown of family and the buying into all these left-wing things that have nothing to do with promoting family.”

Captain Convey Note

Normally LeBron James is blaming the police or white people for everything.

LeBron James said, "We are our own worst enemy.".

That short statement by LeBron sums up people in the black community that normally listen to what LeBron James says and follow his Own Worst Enemy advice.

Black on black crime also includes 5 black police officers killing one black man.

Jason Whitlock explains why some black people are their own worst enemy.

Fearless with Jason Whitlock

Ep 366 | Attitude & Frustration at the Root of Tyre Nichols Tragedy, Not Racism

Three weeks ago, in a traffic stop on January 7, Tyre Nichols was hospitalized upon arrest and died three days later. He was beaten by five Memphis police officers who, since then, have turned themselves in. Today, MPD will be releasing the body camera footage of the incident. Today on “Fearless,” Jason discusses the common narrative of policemen being "racist cops" with “Fearless” soldiers Delano Squires and Shemeka Michelle. Jason asks people to consider an alternative to what’s really going on. Perhaps attitude and frustration are the culprits, not racism.

Jason Whitlock interview on Tucker Carlson Tonight

During an appearance on FNC’s “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” Jason Whitlock, host of the “Fearless” podcast, said the actions of the five Memphis Police Officers charged with the murder of Tyre Nichols were a reflection of the breakdown of the family.

According to Whitlock, the beating was a clear-cut case of illegality by the accused law enforcement officers. However, it also appeared to represent the culture of single mothers who have risen to leadership posts in many American cities.

“They don’t want us focused on reality. Hey, if they want to devote an hour of coverage to this and weekend coverage of this, and they want to take us to a good place, I would examine the racial element of this because there is a racial element. And this is a story about young black men and their inability to treat each other in a humane way. Everybody involved in this on the street level was either 24 to 32 years old, everybody. It was a group of young black men, five-on-one. It looked like gang violence to me. It looked like what young black men do when they’re supervised by a single black woman, and that’s what they’ve got going on in the Memphis Police Department.”

“They’ve elected some — put some black woman in charge of the police force, and we are getting the same kind of chaos and disunity and violence that we see in a lot of these cities that are run by single mothers,” Whitlock continued. “If we want to discuss the breakdown of family that leads to disrespect for authority that causes you to resist the police and run from the police and not comply with the police because you resist authority at all time because there was no male authority in your home, let’s have that discussion.”

“But that’s not where they want to take us,” he added. “They want to take us down the path of saying, you know what, this is Tucker Carlson’s fault.

This is some random white — this is Donald Trump’s fault.

It’s not.

"It is the breakdown of family and the buying into all these left-wing things that have nothing to do with promoting family.”

..................

Some people are able to overcome the culture of, ‘We Are Our Own Worst Enemy!’.

It can be said of other people also, drug addicts and alcoholics.

They to are their own worst enemy.

Addiction is a choice but can be overcome.

The "We are out own worst enemy" is a culture lifestyle but can also be overcome.

Remember the song, "We shall overcome"?

Its possible.

[heritageposts]

the sad truth about oppa homeless style

and the unfathomable evil that is reddit

last year my followers and i began an investigation into the origin of oppa homeless style and we quickly discovered that there appears to only exists one single screenshot of the mythical tumblr post:

the screenshot was posted to imgur on the 1st of march, 2014, and appeared on /r/thatHappened/ in a thread titled ‘Fedora’d villain shames woman for giving to the homeless’

to further our investigation, @swordcats contacted the reddit user who had posted the thread. the user responded, saying they believe they “found it on 4chan”, adding that it was “probably fake”

we still had hope that it could be a real tumblr post, but this confirmed our suspicion that it was possible the story was never posted to tumblr to begin with. 

we then tried everything we could think of to find any mention of oppa homeless style that predates the imgur upload, but nothing showed up

we even tried carbon dating the post by the shade of blue in the screenshot

this didn’t help us find oppa homeless style, but by comparing it to older posts we were at least able to determined that the screenshot could have been taken around the time of the imgur upload

an anon later messaged me and suggested we should take a look at the post history of reddit user MechaMew2

as the anon noted, they were a frequent contributor to /r/thatHappened/

here are some of the tumblr stories they’ve posted:

after posting 10 different MechaMew2 screenshots to my blog, i was contacted by fellow detective @bluesidefanclub who had done their own investigation

and the findings were devastating...

ALL of these screenshots are fake. all of the posts that arent a screenshotted reblog are his own posts, evidenced by the little x’s on the bottom of some of the screenshots, which used to be tumblrs old delete button. i looked through his ENTIRE post history and every single one of them that isnt a screenshot of a reblog has the delete button on them. none of the posts that are screenshots of reblogs have the x on the bottom, though, so i tried searching for them. ive been on tumblr since 2011 and never saw any of them, even the ones that seemed viral. i searched key phrases from every single one and wasnt able to find any of the originals, and the only images of them that come up are the ones that were posted to imgur and reddit. this especially makes no sense for the “AAAA IT BURNS IT BURNS” post because (according to the screenshot) it had at least 83k notes at the time of screenshotting. so he probably just edited those with inspect element.

MechaMew2 has also been a frequent submitter to r/fatlogic were they post similarly ridiculous stories intended to make fat people look bad:

Tumblrina gets triggered by nephew; Hides his homework under the couch so it can't hurt her anymore (3rd of october, 2014)

Fat-shaming Barbie gets told off at the gym (31st of october, 2014)

nowadays MechaMew2 is mostly fabricating fake facebook stories about pitbulls (they’re a frequent poster to r/banpitbulls)

Diapered pit bull named Naruto escapes through a window. Catch him and win dinner at Chili's. (3rd of november, 2020)

Family cancels their Christmas; Sends the money to Trump (30th of november, 2020)

of all the tumblr screenshots, @bluesidefanclub​ was only able to find one real post (which still showed the url of the person who reblogged it)

in a last ditch effort @bluesidefanclub:  

searched for oppa homeless style on google, every major image hosting site (photobucket, flickr, imgur, etc) and also did reverse image lookup on about ten different sites, and each came back with the imgur result from march 2014 being the earliest upload. i searched every visible tag on the post up to the end and found nothing, and searched twitter for “oppa homeless style” pre-dating the imgur upload and couldn’t find anything explicitly pointing to the tumblr post.

so yes...  i think we must finally accept that oppa homeless style was never a real tumblr post

oppa homeless style was made by a redditor whose passion in life is to make fake screenshots of fake tumblr stories for fake internet points

as connoisseur of fake tumblr story i expected to be devastated by this news, but really it has only made oppa homeless style even funnier

[alltheworldsinmyhead]

ON FEYSAND’S PLOTLINE IN ACOSF

              !!!!MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE WHOLE ACOSF!!!!

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Let’s be honest for a while, okay?

ACOCF had potential to be SJM’s best book, if not for any other reason then because of the sheer idea of it. Coming-of-age, healing story of the most complex and polarizing character she has ever created set in the time of peace, away from the familiar setting (according to the later changed concept which still remains in the snippet at the end of ACOFAS), development of her arguably most feisty and angsty love story... It could be her absolute trumph. Even with the change to stick to Velaris instead of exploring the Illyrian culture of the Mountains and with the added conflict of the Mortal Queens and Koshei, it still could work quite well. 

It didn’t. For many, many reasons, but the most important one, in my opinion, being the feysand pregnancy plot. 

Nothing about this plotline made sense. Not a single thing. From start to finish, it was an absolute disaster from the character-writing POV, from the narration POV, from every single context of it. It broke the rules of real-life logic, it broke the rules of this fantasy world setting and it completely exposed that Rhysand, while not a bad guy, is a pretty terrible partner, even worse ruler and an absolutely terrible contender for the High King title. 

Let’s break this whole mess down (and expect this post to be mammoth-sized. it’s not my fault, though, write to SJM if you have any complains):

1) Feyre, 21, decides to get pregnant, even though less than a year earlier, she expresses the delight with not being forced to bear children to her new mate and told him herself she wants to wait a while and enjoy her life with him. Feyre decides she wants a baby though and Rhysand goes along with it, even though he is aware how young Feyre is and how hard her life has been up until this point. He wants a baby too much to have an honest discussion with Feyre about it, to stop and wonder what is the reason for her sudden change of heart, to reassure her that they have a lot of time ahead of them and don’t need to rush. No. She mades a sudden decision to have a baby after A YEAR OF MARRIAGE and not much more of being turned fae, JUST AFTER having her whole world put upside down, having received a completely new title and responsibilities, surviving the wat and being mated. Great. 

2) Feyre decides to get pregnant and Rhys goes along with it less than a year after the end of the bloody war. It is politically a delicate time, everyone is still not sure how the balance will shift, some countries don;t want to sign the peace treaty, etc. There are a lot of enemies and a lot of turmoil remaining. But sure. Let’s have a baby. Perfect time to add yet another target, another weakness that can be use by the Mortal Queens, Beron or whatever else with malicious intent towards the Night Court. 

2) Feyre gets pregnant after approximately a year of trying. I know healthy people of reproductive age for whom it takes ages more than this. Fae’s pregnancies are rare af and precious and happen once in a blue moon, but ofc SJM broke the world’s rules for her darling Feyre. And again, for Kallas and Vivianne who are also expecting the baby, even though it has been a maximum of 3 years since they’ve mated. 3 years is also not a particularly long time to try to have a baby for those who have issues with their reproductive systems like Fae women. Thank you, next. 

3) Rhys has unprotected sex with Feyre in her Illyrian form when she conceives, even though he knows full well having a winged baby would kill her. He does it anyway, for shits and giggles apparently. They probably have sex in the sky above Velaris, for all we know. 

4) The baby has wings. Now, the whole explanation with Illyrian wings being bony (bc they resemble bat wings) and Seraphin ones being more flexible (bc they resemble bird ones) is so insanely stupid that it takes around 3 seconds to wikipedia this shit and find out it’s exactly the opposite. But okay, the baby has wings and Feyre will die while giving birth, along with the baby. Madja forbids Feyre from turning into an Illyrian to carry the pregnancy because it MIGHT hurt the baby. Now, remember, Feyre conceived while in Illyrian form and then turned into High Fae. The baby survived it just fine. The baby MIGHT be hurt by Feyre turning .... but it will FOR SURE die if she stays High Fae and Feyre will too. Idk about you, but I would take the risk of MIGHT instead of FOR SURE. Especially when she is already in labour and dying. Cauldron or Nesta or idk who alters Feyre’s pelvis after the baby is cut out of her for no apparent reason but to allow feysand to make exactly the same mistakes later on. How convinient. And Nesta also alters her own pelvis bc god forbid she won’t be able give Cassian babies like the little useful mate she is now. She should’ve probably done it with Elain too, just in case she decides to fuck Az in the future, because fuck consequences and fuck the stakes in the story that make the readers actually CARE about characters bc they know the author may actually kill them and not save their life every fucking time.  

5) I don’t even want to comment on the fact Rhys hid the true danger of this pregnancy for Feyre and their family went along with it. It is absolutely disgusting. And Nesta telling her and that being condemned as the act of the ultimate cruelty which is a final straw to break her self-loathing back.... is abhorrent. It made my sick, actually, phisically sick. There is no justification for it. No at all. And the fact that they did not even consider abortion sends a message that I really don’t want to think too much about it. Feyre was 2 months along when they learned the baby is winged. 2 months. 8 weeks. It wasn’t a baby yet, let’s be honest. They could’ve at least discussed it. She - oh my god, I cannot believe SJM wrote it this way, I’m gonna be sick. 

6) For the entirety of Feyre’s pregnancy, they have no plan to really help her. Labour plan? Haven’t heard if it.  They have money and power and access to the healers of the whole land. And did not figure out how to stop her from bleeding out after a fucking C-section. THIS WORLD HAS MAGIC AND THEY COULDN’T STOP HER FROM BLEEDING OUT AFTER A FUCKING C-SECTION. Didn’t even ask Thesan, the High Lord of Healing, to be present. Cassian had guts hanging out of his stomach and survived. Az was fucking slashed apart in Hybern and survived. But yeah, Feyre was on a brink of death after a C-section. Great, Sarah. Keep it up. Let’s force the thought into young girls’ heads that labour is the most lethal thing ever, why not. 

7) Also, for the entirety of Feyre’s pregnancy, Rhys keeps quiet about this idiotic bargain. He, as far as we know, doesn’t make any plans for the moment when him and Feyre and possibly their baby are dead. If they died and baby survived.. who would take care of it? Does Rhys have a conversation with his family about it? NAH. Doesn’t write any sort of plan how to keep the Court going, doesn’t inform even the closest of his co-workers how they should proceed to act after he’s gone and his and Feyre’s power go to god-knows-who. Their deaths would mean a sure chaos for the weakend and fragile Prythian and the Night Court especially and yet nor Rhys nor Feyre make any sort of preparations for it. Rhys doesn’t tell his brothers or Mor or HIS SECOND IN COMMAND they will all soon have to somehow manage without him. He was about to just leave them to their own devices and told them in the last. possible. moment. 

And this man - this man is, according to Amren, the best candidate to handle the whole country? To unite it? This fool who makes idiotic bargains, who thinks first about his cock and his own selfish desires and considers his subjects and his responsibilities as a High Lord last and least important of all? Who has so much trust in his wife, in his High Lady, the mother of his son that he doesn’t tell her she will almost surely die on a birthing bed because it MAY UPSET HER? 

This plotline was the straw that broke my back. ACOTAR, at it’s heart has always been a ya fantasy with added ‘spice’ and I was willing to bend my critical-thinking skills in many cases and forget and forgive many smaller idiotic issues in this series. But this? It is not idiotic. It is massive and stupid to the point when it becomes insulting to the reader. It was a plot straight out of a bad fanfic, not something that should be in a published book written by someone who writes for a living. You could even argue that Twilight has handled this toxic trope better.  I have wasted my money on this book and thinking about it will always be painful for me. So yeah.

ACOSF could be great. Ended up quite pathetic. 

[odinsblog]

…Biden’s bipartisan infrastructure proposal left out the entirety of the care proposal, offered nothing on immigration, and featured startlingly little on climate; a reconciliation bill was still almost two months out. And yet the reception featured no four-letter words and no accusations of cowardice. According to sources who were in the meeting, Sheyman was particularly obliging, raising his hand to personally congratulate the administration on the deal.

“This is the meeting for progressives and progressive advocacy organizations,” said one adviser close to the White House. “The bill doesn’t include a single one of his priorities, and yet the tone is incredibly civil, nobody is even saber-rattling.” Biden, meanwhile, was soon pledging not to veto the bipartisan package if it came to his desk without a reconciliation bill full of other Democratic climate priorities, threatening the absence of major environmental spending to come.

Criticism has been in surprisingly short supply during Biden’s first six months, from a left flank that’s been somewhere between docile and unctuous. D.C. progressive groups have lavished praise on Joe Biden as the next FDR, and when he’s indulged some un-FDR-like tendencies, they’ve continued lavishing. “The idea of Joe Biden being FDR 2.0 was just a message point without a body of work to back it up,” Murshed Zaheed, progressive political consultant and former political director of CREDO, told me. “They just desperately needed the folks who were fired up.”

The result has been a progressive flank that has been defanged in Bidenworld, unwilling to make public criticisms even as much of the legislative agenda has slipped away. Already, gun control, judicial reform, student debt relief, and much of health care and immigration reform have fallen by the wayside. Policing and criminal justice reform has bogged down in seemingly endless bipartisan negotiations, with Biden pushing no deadlines for action. Democrats have split on drug pricing, with moderates on the Hill chasing modest tweaks and progressives trying to go big to save hundreds of billions for additional fiscal spending. Tax reform, despite making it into the reconciliation bill, remains on the ropes. There’s no real plan to pass meaningful voting rights protection, which Biden admitted preemptive defeat on in a July speech. The PRO Act and some small percentage of immigration, like the $15 minimum wage before it, will be decided by the whims of the Senate parliamentarian. The president himself is one of the stronger remaining defenders of the filibuster. Yet the self-censorship and happy talk endure.

A DISEMPOWERED PROGRESSIVE FLANK during a Democratic administration is not a new phenomenon. One need look no further than President Biden’s former boss, President Obama, for precedent. Obama’s strategy to gag progressives relied on the asperity of his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, in a program former blogger Jane Hamsher once coined “the veal pen.” In a series of weekly meetings between progressive groups and administration officials called “Common Purpose,” Obama adviser Erik Smith, the White House comms team, and sometimes even Emanuel himself would impress upon progressive groups their duty not to criticize the White House’s priorities—on the bank bailouts, on health care—in the name of message discipline. This kept those groups in the veal pen, at risk of a cattle prod if they ventured out.

Occasionally, Emanuel would unleash his personal fury toward anyone even thinking of criticizing the Obama administration’s thoroughly unprogressive agenda, even though it directly contravened their own priorities. In one such meeting, Emanuel infamously called MoveOn “fucking retarded” for running radio ads against moderate Blue Dog Democrats who successfully downed progressive priorities in the health care package. Groups had to “earn their seat at that particular table by not bucking the White House,” as Hamsher wrote in 2009. Silence was the cost of access, and for at least a term and a half, it worked.

Read more: https://prospect.org/politics/how-joe-biden-defanged-the-left/

[hldailyupdate]

Louis Tomlinson Announces He’s Working On New Documentary — Everything You Need To Know Get ready, Louis Tomlinson fans, because the singer just announced that he’s working on a brand new documentary about his life, and we have all the exciting details for you! While replying to some fan questions on Twitter, the One Direction member shared the exciting news.“ Have you already thought about making a documentary?” one fan asked him. He replied, “Already on it love.” But wait, when will the documentary come out, you ask? What exactly will it be about and what can we expect it to show? Not to worry, you guys, because we broke it all down for you. Here’s everything you need to know about Tomlinson’s upcoming documentary. What Do We Know So Far About Louis Tomlinson’s Documentary? So unfortunately, the “Walls” crooner hasn’t shared any other details about it, but some fans are convinced that they’ve uncovered the name of the upcoming doc! Get this — just a few days before he made the announcement, Tomlinson celebrated the 11-year anniversary since he first auditioned for The X Factor. As fans know, after he tried out for the singing competition show, he was put into the band by Simon Cowell (alongside Harry Styles, Liam Payne, Niall Horan and Zayn Malik).

“11 years since my first audition! I had no idea on that day just how much would have changed between then and now. Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way! We’re only just getting started!” he wrote on Twitter in honor of the big day. But it was his next message that caught everyone’s attention.“ Faith in the future,” Tomlinson added. And many people think that may be the name of the documentary!

What Else Has Louis Tomlinson Been Up To Lately?

This isn’t the only thing that the musician has up his sleeves! Yep, earlier this month, he revealed that he was starting his own management company, and everyone was pretty excited about it. For those who don’t know, he previously attempted to launch his own record label, but that didn’t work out.“

I always dreamed of having my own label, having an imprint never really worked for me because I still had to have someone else’s blessing to sign people. People I believed in massively but unfortunately didn’t fit the traditional pop role hence never doing the deals,” he explained via Twitter. “So I’ve decided to put it out there in the world today. I’m going to start my own music management company to help develop new artists. Watch this space.” He later verified, “I just wanted to take the first step of actualizing the idea but at this stage that’s all this is. An idea! Sometimes action is needed first to encourage the motivation and belief.” And when someone asked if this would effect his upcoming music, he replied, “No.”

And that’s not all! Tomlinson also told fans that he’s considering making a visual album!

“Seen a few that a really like. Potentially,” he replied when a fan asked if he was open to making one. So exciting! But despite having “lots of stuff” in the works at the moment, Tomlinson promised that music is still the most important thing to him.

“Lots of stuff in early stages. Music obviously remains my number one priority,” he tweeted. He also tweeted that he has new merch coming soon, so keep your eyes peeled for that. Plus, the 29-year-old is gearing up to go on tour — as soon as it’s safe, of course. He was supposed to head out on his debut solo tour last year, but when the pandemic hit he was unfortunately forced to postpone it. His European leg is now set to kick off on June 6, 2021, but it’s unclear whether or not those shows will go on as planned or get postponed again. As for the American leg, the new dates for those concerts have not been announced just yet. But Tomlinson is very excited to hit the stage again.

“Every day is a day closer to the first show back!” he tweeted recently. And when someone asked him what he was most excited about, he responded, “The next time I play a live show. Going to be an incredible atmosphere.” What Do We Know About His Upcoming Second Album? Back in May 2020, Tomlinson first announced that he was working on his second studio album.

“I’m doing good. Tried to be more creative these last few weeks,” he wrote to a fan at the time. The singer added that he had “lots of ideas” but that he didn’t expect to be “writing so soon” after his first album dropped. As fans know, his debut LP — Walls — came out in January 2020, and it was full of bops. Then, in October 2020, he gave us a much-needed update!

“Wrote four songs in  four days. It’s cooking,” Tomlinson shared. And when a fan asked what exactly was “cooking,” he explained, “Banger after banger.” And just this week, he revealed that he was working on another new song!

“Got a decent chorus idea down,” he said, when asked what he was up to. This is seriously so exciting! But when will his new tunes come out? Well, when a fan asked the star when we could expect the music to drop, he said it will probably come out sometime this year.

“Assuming ’21 [but] who knows,” he said.

What Will His New Album Sound Like? While chatting with Telegraph in a recent interview, the 1D heartthrob explained that the pandemic has given him time to “really get into what I want to say” on his new album.

“I’m very, very excited. I had basically penciled down a plan before corona took over our lives,” he explained. “And now it’s kind of given me a little bit of time to really get into what I want to say and what I want things to sound like.

”When asked about the sound, Tomlinson said that fans can expect it to be a lot like his hit song “Kill My Mind.”

“There’s a certain energy in that song, in its delivery, in its attitude, that I want to recreate,” he continued. “People are struggling at the moment, so I want to create a raucous, exciting atmosphere in my live show, not a somber, thoughtful one.

”According to the pop star, he’s been listening to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers a lot over the last few months, and they will have a big influence on LT2.

“I grew up on their album ‘By the Way’. And during lockdown I’ve been knee deep in their stuff,” he explained to Telegraph. “I’ve watched every documentary, every video. And I find their lead guitarist John Frusciante just fascinating.”

But don’t expect him to play any new instruments on the upcoming LP. He tweeted that “guitar was enough” for him when a fan asked if he learned any new instruments during quarantine. Plus, he also wrote on Twitter that he’s going to talk about more social issues in his lyrics!

[whining-ylthin]

So I’m reading “False Gods”, book 2 of Horus Heresy, at a rather glacial pace thanks to the writer’s penchant for filling his pages with the literary equivalent of garden rakes hidden in overgrown grass of serviceable, but bland prose. It’s not badly written, it’s not stiff (like “Space Wolf”), dull (like “Atlas Infernal”) or confusing (like “Ahriman: Exile”), but most of the time the words are just... there, like unobtrusive ambient from a Hollywood movie or big-budget game score strumming in the background as the characters say the things they have to say according to the script with just enough acting quality as to not make it feel fake. What really stops me dead in my tracks comes down to two things:

Rather... confusingly laid out story where characters very clearly submit to the Will of the Plot rather than following some semblance of internal logic or consistent characterization. As a result they suffer from sudden outbursts of thought-obscuring anger with little to no buildup and really unconvincing post-factum explanation, act like they’re badly hungover and you just asked them how much is 8x4, at times have little in common with their “Horus Rising” incarnations with no clear catalysts for the change to happen (other than “another writer picking up the script”) and, cherry on top, get dragged across what may as well be half the known galaxy to an already-compliant world at the request of another Legion’s guest - an esteemed guest and a son of Horus’ trusted brother, but still, not even First Chaplain Erebus of the Word Bearers should be able to drag the entire 63rd Expeditionary to a backwater planet they’ve conquered 60 years and 11 worlds earlier to only then reveal the point of the entire charade in the form of an entire Imperial command left in charge of the planet rebelling against the Imperium. Seriously, this is what astropaths, meetings and briefings aboard the ship are for, so you don’t have to haul ass back from the frontier to a minor encampment without knowing why you were called there. It’s not like Horus, fresh from his nomination to the Warmaster and leader of the entire Crusade effort, even fresher from being pelted with administrative tasks diverting his attention from his forte - military action - and smeared with still-wet blood from the failed diplomacy talks and hasty retreat away from Interex territories (and possibly with some lingering awareness of what happened to the II and XI Legion, even if it’s been added retroactively), doesn’t have good enough reasons to turn around and crush a supposed rebellion into the dirt with his own bare hands to send out a message to anyone who’d dare rebel against the “enlightened and kind” Imperium of Man (and to anyone who’d doubt his proficiency as a warrior and leader)*. Just tell him that your astropaths received this sort of troubling message from Davin and watch him prime the Vengeful Spirit’s warp drive quicker than you can say “spank me into compliance, daddy”. Any other personal jab, elaborate little performance or behind-the-curtain scheming is just foolproofing the plan and keeping Horus on the perfect trajectory.

Near-constant barrage of Ignace Karkasy being a fucking creep. I do not need to hear his headass takes about how tomboyish/butch women are lowkey bad because only feminine women are pretty, how “artificial” beauty is also bad, how much he wants to shag a Remembrancer who still hasn’t shaken off the trauma of a close encounter with a deadly beast and how he’ll settle for just calling her a “friend” when she rejects his advances (and by his own admission it’s partially because he can’t just charm her into having sex with him through fancy words). His attempts at digressions and elaborate rhetoric setups fall flat because most of the time his dialogue is functional at best and rather stifled and disjointed at worst, making his train of thoughts hard to follow even to someone who has to actively make sure they don’t digress too much and branch their stories into multi-threaded sagas. The demeaning remarks aimed at another Remembrancer whose work includes less tangible and more avant-garde art installations made from lights and shadows, and the edge of contempt in the narration about the gathering place of the Remembrancers being a bohemian hybrid of a casino, a bar and a gallery of “lewd or farcial” art give me some really unpleasant flashbacks to common Nazi and assorted right-wing nutjob talking point about “degenerate art”. And by the Dark Gods and all daemons of the Warp, I definitely do not need to hear how he’s ready to take up another colleague’s offer of “I get laid with you, you introduce me to Brother-Captain Loken”, and please do not ask me to explain why “sexual favors for workplace favors” is a bad fucking thing even if a female employee initiates the exchange unprompted by the male colleague. 

As a result, I keep putting the book (well, the e-book reader) down to take a photo, share the passage with other people and bang my head against the wall to unpick story gripes and and vent creep-related feelings (because surprise, the queer femme-presenting person who often feels strongly about even the most insignificant things has stronger than usual feelings about sexual harassment and fash dogwhistles). This took me to page 79 out of 314 in about 3 days, a very slow pace for someone who can devour entire good BL books of roughly the same volume in a similar timeframe. That’s how long it took me to chew through “Lords of Silence”, either of the first two Night Lord novels, first Ciaphas Cain book, “Brutal Kunnin“ or “Rites of Passage”. In “False Gods” I’ve yet to breach the 100th page milestone. Because the book finds new ways to make me either groan or scream into a pillow.

But then a miracle happens. Karkasy gets mercifully sidelined for a second and both Horus and the Mournival take the center stage. Suddenly Horus is back to his old witty-charismatic self, with a dash of just barely concealed desperation and doubt. Suddenly the gay fratbro polycule has good banter and gracefully bounces off of one another again. Suddenly I laugh - laugh out loud! - because in an effort to stop Tarik from repeating a particularly lame joke about bears for an innumerable time Garviel puts him into a headlock, just as Horus approaches with his new personal Remembrancer in tow. Suddenly there’s a moment of solemnity and a crafty thematic parallel to the first book as Horus swears the vow of moment to the Mournival just before making landfall on Davin’s moon (similar to how Loken swore his vow as he led the speartip against the last pocket of resistance in the Whisperheads).

Suddenly it’s like I’m reading “Horus Rising” again, except maybe in a slightly less polished draft form, and I almost forget about the rake-stepping marathon I had to stumble and suffer through for the last 70 pages.

Suddenly I feel dread at the thought of all the previous issues coming back with a vengeance.

Suddenly I worry that Apollo struck me with the divination dodgeball and the stuff I said about “the Heresy tripping over and faceplanting into the pavement by book 2″ will hold up by the end of the novel.

_______________

*As an added bonus you get to let the more blood-thirsty and combat-happy officers, like Abaddon, work through their pent-up anger under the mantle of “righteous fury against the rebels” so they get out of your metaphorical hair and stop mouthing back at you during meetings.

[clonecest-bin-account]

Bet?

Ship: Cody/Fox/Wolffe

Rating: E

Cody, Fox and Wolffe make a bet. Will Cody be able to win, or will Fox and Wolffe best him?

AO3 link

It begins, like many other things, with a more drunk than sober conversation at 79’s, but then it turns into a bet: if Cody prides himself on his self-control so much - unlike Fox and Wolffe, according to him - then he’d surely be able to resist if they… toy with him a bit.

The bet is this: Cody will be able to resist for a whole day with a remote-controlled vibrator up his ass, with the controller of course in Wolffe and Fox’s hands. Cody sustains that it wouldn’t be a big deal for him, which prompts Fox and Wolffe to share an amused gaze; sure, he’s saying it now, but they’re certain that eventually, he’d crumble too, and they know it.

Of course, they say nothing of this, actually encouraging Cody in his endeavor: it’ll be sweeter once he falls. After all, they have no intentions of going easy on him.

 It’s hard to find a moment in which they’re all three on Coruscant, but with a little bit of luck by their side they manage.

Now, the fun can begin.

 Cody whines as Fox presses the toy inside him. He’s had to pull a few strings to get it manufactured for this specific occasion, but the result is worth it: it’s not too big, not enough to make moving around difficult - after all, something can still happen, and they want Cody to be able to defend himself if it does. A small vibrating plug bright orange colored, just like the 212th armor - he thought Cody would appreciate it.

Once it’s completely seated inside, Fox gives it a few tugs, just to test it, but it’s still enough to make Cody moan. He can feel his cock beginning to twitch in interest at the ministrations, but he wills it down, knowing that it’s going to take a long time before he’ll be able to get some release, so he’d better keep himself in check.

He’s not expecting Wolffe to slap his ass with so much force behind it that it makes him almost stumble. Before he can stop himself, he yelps, sending then a glare towards the other, who’s smirking.

“What?” he says, like he doesn’t know what he did wrong.

“You’re an asshole,” Cody replies, though by the way Wolffe chuckles, he doubts he’s taken it seriously.

 As it often happens, Fox’s the one who puts them both back in line, though he uses a method similar to Wolffe’s: he spanks Cody as well, though with way less energy in the slap, and calls them both to attention.

“Don’t you have duties to attend to?” he tells Cody, eyebrow raises. Cody huffs as he begins to get dressed again without deigning that affirmation of a reply, as if the act will ever convince the others that he has everything under control.

“Tell that to Wolffe, he’s the one who wasn’t letting me go,” he points out then, to which Wolffe just rolls his eyes. They’re not going to bicker like a couple of cadets… And yet Wolffe can’t help but to retort. “You’re gonna miss me, later.”

Now it’s Cody’s turn to roll his eyes. “Suuure,” he says, doubtful.

 Once he finishes getting dressed again, he begins to walk towards the door. It’s weird doing it with the thing stuck up his ass, but it’s not too bad; only a very attentive eye would notice that there’s something weird in the way he’s moving, which Cody hopes won’t happen because how could he explain this without dying for the embarrassment?

Oh well, it’s too late to worry about that now. After all, it’s not like he’s gonna step back from this.

He turns towards the others again.

“Don’t have too much fun without me,” he says, though deep inside himself he knows that’s going to be exactly the case. They’ll try to make his life a living hell until the end of the challenge, but he knows this already, so he’s prepared to resist them.

As to confirm his suspicions, Wolffe sends the biggest grin his way.

“That’s exactly what we’re going to do,” he replies, waving his hand at Cody.

“Have fun,” Fox says then, imitating Wolffe.

Cody huffs, but otherwise doesn’t respond, knowing that they’re provoking him for their own amusement. He’s going to be the bigger person and not give them the satisfaction of a reply, even though the frown on his face is enough to give himself away.

He shakes his head then, turning back towards the door.

“Right… See you later,” he says, and with that, he’s out, leaving Fox and Wolffe alone in Fox’s quarters.

 “So…” Wolffe begins. “How long do you think he’s going to last?”

“Who cares, as long as we make it hard for him,” Fox replies, and in a moment he’s beside Wolffe, closing his arms around the other’s neck with an inviting smile on his face. “I say that we have some fun between us, for now.”

“Mmmh… That’s an excellent idea,” Wolffe replies, and without needing to exchange any more words, they walk to Fox’s bedroom to enjoy some private time.

 It’s like they’ve forgotten about Cody, but what they’re really doing is biding their time in order to make the other fall into a false sense of security; that, or Cody is going to be tense all the time because they still haven’t made their move. Either way it’s going to be good.

Besides, they have some pent-up frustration to get rid of. In a way, it’s Cody’s fault: how were Fox and Wolffe supposed not to get aroused as they inserted the plug inside him? Yes, it’s definitely his fault.

They kiss and touch and rub against each other like two eager shinies. It doesn’t matter how they do it, as long as they get off. They really need to take off the edge.

 Growing impatient, Wolffe grabs their cocks with his fist, jerking both of them off at the same time. Fox howls - such a nice sound - and grinds into it, adding even more friction.

“Oh fuck, Wolffe! Yeah… Like that…”

Wolffe kisses him to shut him up, but by the way Fox melts into it, he must not mind it, especially when Wolffe slides his tongue between his lips.

They come embarrassingly fast, but it doesn’t matter to them. After all, it’s going to take a while before Cody comes back to them, so they have all the time in the world to get going again. The important thing is that they’ve taken the edge off now.

 After a moment of catching their breath, they both lay down, with Fox almost entirely on top of Wolffe, resting his head against the other’s chest.

“Think we can begin messing with Cody?” he asks then, eager to get the game going. Wolffe hums.

“I think so…” he begins, then he seems to think about something, and backtracks. “But wait, what if he just gets off on his own and then acts like we didn’t get him at all?”

Mmmh, he’s right, but it’s also true that while Cody might pretend he’s not, but he’s a prideful one: he’ll do his best not to resort to that, which will make things exciting, they’re sure of it.

“No, he’d feel like he’d lose if he does it. Trust me,” Fox replies. He and Wolffe exchange a gaze and oh, they know they’re going to make Cody’s day a living hell.

 They begin tamely, just turning the vibrator occasionally on and off, just to make him jolt by the surprise, but then things, of course, escalate: they begin keeping it on for longer periods of time, even turning it to higher settings, then they begin sending him holopics of each other while they’re getting frisky - because of course they’re not going to wait for him to come back at the end of the day - with captions like “we miss you” and “can’t wait for you” accompanied by a few hearts just to make it sting more.

Cody never responds, but he visualizes their messages, so at least they know that he’s seeing them. He must surely be fuming.

 And indeed, Cody is fuming.

He still looks at the messages he receives, if anything because he wants to make a point that he doesn’t care about what they’re doing right now and that he’s not bothered by the game.

Still, each time, looking at his comms becomes harder and harder, especially as the shabuire begin to get meaner and meaner in the way they activate the plug inside him: sometimes they keep it on at a lower setting for so long that it only manages to get Cody frustrated, and then end it without any kind of ceremony; other times, they suddenly turn it on at the highest setting, never failing to take Cody by surprise, only to abruptly end it immediately, just to get a rise out of him.

The worst thing of it all is their timing: even though they can’t monitor his movements, they still manage to activate the plug at the worst times, especially while Cody’s talking and is surrounded by multiple people.

He’s even been asked if he’s alright or if he needs to be seen by a medic, for Prime’s sake! He swears he’s going to make them pay so hard when he gets there--

 Agh! Here it goes again!

 After calming himself down, Cody frantically looks around, afraid that someone noticed his sudden tensing, but it looks like everyone’s busy enough not to have given him a single thought, which is excellent.

Luckily, he’ll be done with this job soon, meaning that he won’t have to be anywhere else involving a great amount of people, meaning that he can go back to his quarters and wait until the evening, when he’ll be allowed to join Fox and Wolffe back, at least according to the game. Sure, it won’t be easy, but at least he’ll be on his own; he might even touch himself… No, he can’t do that. That would be like admitting defeat!

 “Hey, Commander, should we load in this crate too?”

Oh, yeah, he should stay focused on the here and now. Let’s see: they’re resupplying the Negotiator before their next military campaign, but is that crate part of the supplies as well? Cody walks towards it to inspect the serial number; only once he’s done he replies: “Yeah, this one goes in too--!”

Fucking Sith hells, not now!

The trooper was about to grab the crate, but he startles at the sound Cody makes. Is he in pain?

“Huh… Commander? Is everything alright?” Cody is going to murder them so hard.

“Y-Yeah, I’m good. Just pulled a muscle,” he lies, hoping to be convincing enough. The trooper gives him a sympathetic nod.

“Oh, that happens to me all the time. Make sure to go to a medic, yeah?” he says, before lifting the crate and bringing it inside the ship, while Cody thanks him.

Now more than ever he’s thankful for wearing his helmet, so nobody can see the flushed expression on his face, nor him gritting his teeth from the frustration.

 It’s now that he admits to himself that he might’ve overestimated his endurance.

Resisting is getting harder and harder, but he refuses to go to them early, he refuses to undergo that humiliation.

He can do it. He will do it.

 Fox and Wolffe have lost count of how many times they’ve got off since Cody’s departure. Of course they’ve been mindful to take breaks and stay hydrated, but apart from that they haven’t been doing much else except fucking.

Cody has officially surpassed their expectations: they thought he was going to resist way less than this. They weren’t expecting him to barge in per se, but at least trying to get them to stop sending him stuff - and they’ve sent him some pretty filthy stuff - or to stop playing with the plug too much, but no, they’ve received only silence from Cody.

 “Maybe we should call him,” Fox wonders.

Wolffe huffs; leave it to Fox to start a conversation right while they’re fucking.

“You mean right now?” he asks, emphasizing each word by thrusting upwards into Fox’s heat, making him lose balance completely and fall on top of Wolffe, completely at his mercy.

“Yeah, right now… Oh! Right there! We can… Yes! Tell him we miss him…”

At those words, Wolffe can’t help but to smirk. He’s sure Cody would enjoy a call from them, and by enjoy he means not enjoying at all; he bets he’d get all jealous that they’re having sex while he can’t even get himself off alone. Still, despite how good that idea is, he doesn’t make any motion to stop himself, and actually claws at Fox’s shoulder, keeping him there as he begins to thrust deeper, more wildly.

“Don’t feel like sharing at the moment,” is all he says, before he makes Fox forget how to speak.

 At least an hour has passed since that moment, and the two are completely spent, at least for now. The good thing is that they’ve finally taken a shower so that they could get rid of the filth that they’ve been accumulating for a while. Now that they’re clean, they feel a lot better.

“Should we watch something?” Fox asks, joining Wolffe back to bed, waiting for him to leave him some space before laying down as well.

At the risk to sound insatiable, Wolffe has to admit that he still feels quite horny, though he supposes he’d better save this energy for when Cody arrives; the poor thing will surely be in need of a lot of care.

“Sure, why not,” he replies then. He doesn’t even bother to make any suggestion, knowing that whatever will be picked will end up making Wolffe fall asleep, which is something he’s counting on. He wouldn’t mind a nap. Given Fox’s choice, a boring old ass holomovie, he might be thinking the same.

As they get comfortable, Wolffe hisses when Fox’s thigh brushes against his soft cock - yes, they’re still naked - and sends him a glare.

“Really?” he asks, deadpan.

“I’m sorry!” Fox exclaims immediately, huffing and getting into a better position, away from any kind of appendages. Wolffe, however, doesn’t believe him not even for a second.

“Sure you are.”

“I swear I didn’t mean to!” Fox huffs, unamused by Wolffe’s behavior. “You’re so annoying.”

“But you love me anyway.” Wolffe smirks, and even though Fox hates every second of it, he can only agree with him.

“You’re lucky I do.”

 There’s a knock at the door.

Both Wolffe and Fox freeze, pulling away from each other just to exchange a silent look. This is Fox’s free day, so who can it be?

It could be an emergency, though Fox supposes if that were the case, they would’ve commed him. That might not be the case, however, which prompts Fox to jump down the bed frantically, looking for his blacks, at least until he hears another knock, this time accompanied by a voice.

“Fox? A-Are you here?”

Oh, that’s Cody’s voice.

 Fox turns towards Wolffe, who has heard him as well, and they exchange a smirk.

This should be fun.

 They don’t even bother to get dressed as they both move towards the door.

When Fox unlocks it, they’re met by the sight of a very distressed Cody. The poor thing looks like he’s about to explode any moment.

The expression he makes when he sees Fox and Wolffe, naked at the doorstep, is quite comical: it’s almost like his eyes are going to fall from his eye sockets, and Wolffe’s pretty sure that he could fit his entire fist in his mouth for how open it is.

“Hello there, Kote,” Wolffe greets him in a voice that would’ve irritated Fox if it was directed towards him and not the other. “What are you doing here, this early?”

Cody wobbles inside, pushing past the two without even bothering to say anything. Once he’s inside, Fox closes the door again, not wanting to be walked on by someone who shouldn’t be made privy of the game they’re playing.

 “I…” Cody tries, turning around them, but he can’t even complete the sentence.

Looking at his wrecked state, they both realize that they might’ve been a bit too cruel to him.

“Aw, look at you, you’re barely standing…” Fox observes, circling around Cody like one would do with their prey. He barely touches his shoulder and it sends a jolt through Cody’s spine. “You’re so wired up.”

“And whose fault is that?” Cody retorts, but he doesn’t sound as menacing as he’d like, not when Wolffe turns the vibrator on again, making his legs lose the last of his energy. If it wasn’t for Fox that catches him in time, he would’ve fallen on the ground. He looks so pitiful, just like the gaze he sends Wolffe’s way.

“Please…” He must be very desperate if he’s already resorting to begging already. Fox and Wolffe exchange a gaze; alright, they’ve played with him enough.

 Wolffe turns the vibrator off again while Fox helps Cody on the bed. Once they all get there, it takes them just a moment to strip him bare like they are. Wolffe licks Cody’s ear, making him shiver.

“We’re going to take such a good care of you now…” he whispers, before sliding his tongue inside the other’s parted lips, kissing him breathless while Fox takes his cock in hand, smearing the precum he’s already leaking all over its length.

Right then Wolffe activates the vibrator again, and with a last shake Cody comes already, unable to hold back anymore.

Still, Fox doesn’t stop, and it seems that Cody doesn’t mind. He’s probably already good to go again.

“Kriffing hells,” he moans, face one or two shades darker than it usually is. It’s such a hot view.

 “I want to fuck him,” Fox blurts out, turning towards Cody. “Would that be okay with you?”

“Please…” is all Cody is able to get out. It’s enough.

They get to bed immediately, with Wolffe laying onto it on his back - he wants to enjoy the show - Cody on his lap and Fox behind him.

Speaking of Fox, he runs his nails from Cody’s shoulders to his back, leaving soft marks - nothing that would be uncomfortable once he’s back to wear blacks - then he cups his ass, spreading it over. Cody’s hole, now empty, is left twitching in the wake of being filled again. Fox hums appreciatively.

When Cody presses his body against his, Fox decides to stop wasting time.

“Keep him still,” he orders Wolffe, who dutifully grabs Cody by his hips, keeping him pinned there. Fox then begins to rub his cock against his entrance waiting for him to get used to it - thus complacent - in order to press the tip inside.

The sound Cody lets out at the intrusion isn’t like anything they’ve ever heard coming from him. It makes Fox’s cock twitch in interest.

“Fuuuuuuuck!” Cody sounds way past his limit, and yet he’s not doing anything to push neither Fox nor Wolffe away. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’s quickly getting hard again, they wouldn’t be pushing him this much.

 Figuring that he would just swear at them if he does it slow, Fox begins to fuck Cody in earnest, earning himself a grunt each time he sinks in. His gaze is low, focused on the way his cock vanishes inside Cody’s eager hole.

Wolffe, on the other side, is enjoying a different kind of show: he can’t hold back a smirk at how wrecked Cody looks right now, even though the asshole is getting some saliva droppings on him, but it’s something Wolffe easily forgives, if anything because it means that they’re fucking his brains out for him not to even realize that he’s doing that.

He takes his flushed face between his hands, forcing Cody to keep his gaze on him. He won’t let him look away and get away from this so easily. “Aw, look at you, so needy for cock,” he mocks him, but Cody only whines at his words, making it hard to understand if he’s even heard what he said. Oh well, it doesn’t matter, not when Wolffe decides that he’d rather kiss him, which he does, pressing his lips against Cody none too gently.

 Fox is getting closer and closer to reaching the peak. The more he keeps going, the less he’s going to last.

He grits his teeth, grabbing Cody’s hips with even more strength, uncaring of the marks and bruises he’s leaving; Cody’s going to feel them for a long time, and Fox hopes he’ll get hard each time he remembers how he’s gotten them. It would be amusing seeing him trying to keep composure in the middle of a debrief or something.

He reaches down for Cody’s cock, taking it in his hand. After doing that, he immediately begins to jerk him off, despite the pained sounds that are leaving Cody’s mouth at the way he’s treating his oversensitive cock.

“Come on, I know you like it,” he whispers to his ear before licking it, making Cody shiver at the sensation. Cody doesn’t reply, still busy with Wolffe’s mouth, but a loud whine leaves his lips, which counts as an affirmative response.

When Wolffe finally pulls away, Cody finds himself struggling for breath. The fact that Fox doesn’t stop pounding into him doesn’t help at all. “Are you close?” he asks, accompanying each sentence with a snap of his hips. Cody moans, shaking his head yes. “Show me,” Fox says then. “Come.”

All it takes is another couple of thrusts for Cody to come; he opens his mouth to scream, but as soon as he does, Wolffe - the shabuir - decides to shove his fingers in there, forcing Cody to suck on them while Fox chases his own orgasm, which to be fair, doesn’t take too long to reach, not when Fox can feel Cody clench frantically around him, oversensitive and spent.

He doesn’t even pull away, coming still buried deep inside him, chuckling at the way Cody twitches as he fills him up with cum. Such an endearing sight.

 Only when it looks like Cody’s more stable, Fox begins pulling out, though as soon as he does, Cody slumps forward, but he’s thankfully caught by Wolffe. Fox rubs his thighs, leaning down to kiss his shoulder. “Are you ok?”

Cody doesn’t say anything except for a long whine, so they suppose he’s fine. Besides…

“My turn now,” Wolffe grunts, moving Cody by the hips so that he can line the tip of his cock against his entrance. It’s like lifting a dead weight, but he doesn’t mind it; he’s going to wake up Cody soon, after all. He has at least the kindness to lower him down slowly, despite how loosened up he is, but Wolffe doesn’t want to force it.

Once he’s completely seated inside, he lets Cody lean against him, chest against chest, and closes his arms around his waist, keeping him there - not that he has enough strength to leave, even if he wanted to. He can’t help the smile that appears on his face when Cody nuzzles against his neck, but the soft quiet lasts little: after planting his feet on the mattress to get better leverage, Wolffe begins to slowly rock his body against Cody’s, making him whine softly at the sensation.

After making sure that Cody’s getting into it, Wolffe doesn’t waste any more time as he begins to pound into him the way he wanted to do from the start. Cody is completely powerless in front of such an assault, and all he can do it to arch his body, screaming from the intensity of the pleasure as Wolffe nails his prostate each single kriffing time.

 It’s a great visual, or it would be if Fox were able to keep his eyes open for more than one mere second.

After having laid down beside Wolffe and Cody, he’s been attacked by a sense of sleepiness that has taken him by surprise, though considering what he’s been doing while he and Wolffe waited for Cody maybe he should’ve expected it. The thing is, he’d really like to go for a nap now, but on the other hand, how is he supposed to miss the show in front of him?

Cody’s voice is really doing a marvellous job waking him up, he has to say. His throat is surely going to get hoarse once they’re done with him; oh yeah, he’s getting completely wrecked.

Still, for now he’d rather watch than actively participate, especially considering the excellent job Wolffe is doing. He’s not going to lie, it’s quite tender the way they’re holding onto each other, it makes Fox smile that damned stupid smile he does only when he’s with them.

Ooh, Cody’s beginning to move along Wolffe’s thrusts, making him penetrate even deeper. He must be close if he’s finding the strength to move his hips like that.

 That knowledge is enough to shake Fox up. He says: “Wolffe, wait.”

Wolffe immediately stops, much to Cody’s disappointment as he grunts, clearly displeased by the unnecessary interruption. He soon changes idea however when Fox speaks again. “Turn him over, I want to blow him.”

A moan leaves Cody’s lips at those words. “You’d like that, would you?” Fox asks him, delighted by the frantic way he nods, then letting himself be moved with ease, turning around so that he’s giving his back to Wolffe.

The way he sinks back on his cock is almost feverish, but damn if it doesn’t make for a very pretty picture, a picture that Fox would happily stare at for the rest of his life, but he has a job to do.

He goes down immediately, parting his lips around Cody’s cock, swallowing him whole. He doesn’t even need to move much since Cody already does it enough on his own; no matter where he goes, he either impales himself on Wolffe’s cock or thrust into Fox’s delicious mouth. A true win-win situation.

The moans that are coming out of him are absolutely obscene; they should’ve recorded him, just for posterity’s sake.

 “Close…” he manages to croak between a moan and another.

Hearing that, Wolffe’s grabs Cody by the hips, forcing him still; Cody whines at that sudden pause and he’s about to protest, only that Wolffe begins to hammer inside him just like he was doing before; he begins pushing into Cody with all the fury in his body, in and out, in and out.

The shouts that leave Cody’s lips are so loud that, if Fox hadn’t made his room get soundproofed, they would’ve certainly been heard from outside as well.

Amidst the shouts there are also a few sobs, and it’s with a chocked one that Cody comes. His entire body tenses and arches, while his cock twitches, but Fox’s already relaxed his throat, he already knows what to expect and he doesn’t bat one eye when he begins to unload.

Wolffe doesn’t slow down his assault not one bit, not even when Cody begins to shake, oversensitive. It’s not like he can pull away, even if he wanted to.

With that pace, plus the fact that Cody’s clenching around him so tightly that it almost hurts, it doesn’t take long for Wolffe to come, getting his load up there to join up with the one Fox has already left before. He keeps pounding into him until it’s over; only then he stops, and as soon as he does Cody collapses over him, completely spent.

 Wolffe and Fox exchange a look.

… Did they kill him or something?

 No, his eyes flutter open, so he’s fine. Just tired. Still not entirely convinced, Fox waves a hand in front of him. “Hey, you ok there?”

Cody doesn’t utter a word, but he weakly nods, meaning that he’s understood what Fox has told him. Good. His body is shaking, both from the sudden cold and the tiredness, but at least he finds some solace when Wolffe rubs his arms to produce some warmth.

An exchanged gaze with Fox is enough for them to reach an agreement. “I’ll prepare a bath.”

 By the time the bath is ready, Cody is at least able to move on his own, at least a little bit; his legs are still quite wobbly, so he has to lean on Wolffe in order to move, not that Wolffe minds, at all. He’s always found cute how Cody gets after a good couple of orgasms.

Fox’s tub is big enough to fit all three of them - one of the few perks of being stationed on Coruscant - so they manage to get cleaned up all at the same time, although they have to help Cody since he’s unable to do it on his own.

“How are you?” Fox asks as he rinses his hair, gently scratching his scalp while Wolffe massages his shoulders. Cody has his eyes closed, enjoying the sensation fully; he might fall asleep from one moment to another, but frankly he doesn’t care. The only thing keeping him awake is the fact that he doesn’t want to be a complete deadweight to the others, and also the burn of shame at the fact that, in the end, he didn’t manage to win the bet, thought at the moment his mind is so clouded that isn’t exactly his priority. Besides, if he doesn’t mention it, maybe the others will forget about it.

“Good,” he manages to mutter in reply despite his throat hurting like hell. They really got him screaming before, the shabuire. He must be pouting, because Fox leans in to kiss him, just a quick peck on his lips.

“C’mon now, let’s get you to bed.”

 If there’s something that the bath managed to do, it’s to make Cody feel even more drowsy. The more time passes, the harder he’s finding it to keep his eyes open.

At least he’s not being teased for it; actually, both Wolffe and Fox are treating him with extreme care now, something that he’ll always be grateful for. No matter how hard they go at it - and he means all of them - at the end of their games they’re always nice to each other.

 He softly groans when they help him onto the bed, and he wastes no time finding a comfortable position, pressed between the other two. Not that he minds it, of course: it’s nice feeling them so close; it’s reassuring.

Between the other two’s caresses and kisses, he finds himself drifting more and more to sleep… At least until Wolffe speaks up.

“You know…” he says, “You still lost the bet.” Damn it, they’ve remembered.

Cody mutters something unintelligible to both the others. He’s too tired to even speak, which prompts them to leave him alone for now.

“We’ll talk about it another time,” Fox interjects then, caressing Cody’s hair. “Rest now.”

By the way Cody falls asleep almost immediately, he must’ve taken that to heart. At that point, Fox turns towards Wolffe.

“You’re such an asshole.”

“Am I?” Wolffe immediately retorts. “I was just stating the facts!”

“Exactly!” Fox replies, though his annoyed expression soon turns into a smirk. “We’ll remind him when he least expects it.”

At those words, Wolffe mutters a small oh, then he lowers his gaze towards Cody, sleeping soundly unaware of their machinations. He chuckles.

“And you said I am the asshole.”

[bokutoslittlebird]

Love Potion + orange twist

Includes — Bokuto Kōtarō

Warnings: police detective!reader, threat of violence, guns, stalking, f. and m. masturbation, sexy daydreams, implied public sex? I think, porn video (brief), creampie-ish

Being in the police force wasn’t something those with a weak heart would do. There were bad things, but the worst thing about being in the force was dealing with the Families strewn throughout the area. Your job was no more than a detective, but you felt your career on the line as you investigated the Fukurōdani Family, finding the charm of the Boss to be much more than you had ever experienced. He wasn’t cruel and ruthless like other Bosses, he was sweet and even gave you information (not enough to be damaging, but enough to get you scurrying back home). It was a facade, you were sure of it, but it didn’t help your heart from beating faster whenever he got too close.

He knew what he could do to you, his hands placed on your shoulders and fingers ghosting down your arms deliberately there. Information he willingly gave you was no more damaging to the syndicate than everyone knowing his name. Bokuto knew you’d always come back for more and he knew you’d always come looking for him. The rising temperature of your body, the fast heartbeat he could feel, the way you would wipe your palms on your pants in order to rid the sweat, it was all to easy for him to realize you were precisely where he wanted you. Today would be the day, of course he’d have a back up plan, one he hopes he doesn’t have to use, but you were given coordinates to meet him. Secretly, of course. The meeting would be at night, 9 pm sharp, so you had all day to prepare. He’d have an eye on you, of course, as he sent his most loyal dog with keen eyesight.

Dinner was eaten early, for the two of you. Bokuto had dinner with others, laughing and making jokes with the other two Families he was close to, Nekoma and Karasuno. Different places and different things to deal with, yet they turned to Fukurōdani for protection that they could not give themselves. You, on the other hand, ate alone with an unknown guest. The man on the rooftops was hidden in the night, but he was just there to make sure things went according to plan. Dinner went by quickly for you, a show with a simply TV dinner in order to keep you company, but you still had hours, 4 to be exact, until you’d be meeting Bokuto.

With your lights dimming, the only thing showing light on your room was the lamps outside and the light from your phone. Even in the minimal lighting, Akaashi could see what you were doing and it didn’t involve him needing to ready his gun for an attack. No, instead he sent a message to Bokuto, a quick and short one that would him the details of your nighttime activities. He wouldn’t watch the show, no, he’s sure he’ll be able to watch much more once you’re officially with Bokuto, so he’ll give you the privacy you think you have. For now.

The shitty porn video you put on wasn’t doing much of anything, it was just supposed to help your body get hot and bothered, but nothing was doing the trick that you knew Bokuto could do. Screen shut to black, only the moonlight shining down on your bed with the faint lamplight joining it. Moving your hand into your panties, you rub around your clit and tease the entrance of your pussy, feeling the lack of arousal coating it. Leaning back and relaxing, you let your hands wander, one between your thighs while the other goes to your chest, imagining what it’d be like to be in Bokuto’s arms. He’s strong, and very large, so you imagine him to be pretty rough with his lovemaking, a thick cock to top it all off.

He looms over you, eyes lidded as he trails his hands over your body, thumbs digging into the skin as he fixates on each expanse presented to him. Your legs are spread, his thighs keeping them like that as his cock bobs between them, thick and heavy as it rests on the most sensitive area. The only area you really want him to touch, but he won’t do that. He knows your body, and he knows teasing you and dragging it out will only enhance your pleasure, so he focuses on his hands. Thumb brushing against your clit, flicking it as he spits on it, adding to the wetness. Soft moans leave your lips, just enough for him to know he’s pleasing your body properly. Fingers push into your cunt, getting a mewl in response, the pads of his fingers rubbing against your walls to heighten your pleasure.

You’re so close, he knows you are, but he pulls away. He pulls away and rubs his cock on your folds, leaning down to press his lips to yours, breaking away briefly to ask for your permission. As if you’d tell him no, your arms wrap around his shoulders as he pushes his tip into you. It’s bigger than you expected, your gasp of surprise as he rocks himself into you more and more, shushing you and pressing his lips against your cheek. Tears stream down your cheeks, but he brushes them away as he confesses to you, telling how much he loves you and how it’ll feel good in a moment, just relax.

He’s right, your breathing evens out as he continues to gently rock into you, your walls stretching to accompany all of him inside you. Once you feel comfortable, you’re rolling your hips and moaning, begging for more. Your legs are pushed up, his body warmth leaving yours as he does, only to keep your legs up with his shoulders, a devilish grin on his handsome features as he snaps his hips to yours, starting off fast and rough. It’s only begun, but you can feel your orgasm coming quickly, his cock stretching you out and his balls, coated with your slick, slapping against your ass. His groans and grunts are low, focusing on how the mewls and squeals sound coming from your lips, bruised and plump from his rough kissing. Attaching his lips to your neck, he sucks on the flesh and adds in his teeth to make sure he leaves a mark, darkening the skin.

His thrusts begin to get erratic, his own pleasure rising and his end coming to a close, but he doesn’t want to finish until you’ve reached your peak. He’s doesn’t remove himself, moving his fingers back to your clit to rub and flick, adding to the sensations until you’re screaming out his name, gibberish following as your walls tighten around him. He has to force himself to keep thrusting in, your walls clamped down so much, only to feel your walls milking him dry, hot cum coating your insides as your nails dig into his back, leaving behind marks that he’ll see even two days from then.

It’s a blissful image, one he constantly comes back to. Looking down, Bokuto finds his seed splattered against his bedsheets, white liquid staining the black silk. He’s panting, chest rising and falling as he licks his lips, looking down at the panties he so recently came to have in his possession. One of yours, of course, that he had Akaashi sneak into your apartment while you were unconscious to retrieve them. They’ve held him over for almost two weeks, but he wants more. With Akaashi’s message to him, he knows that you were thinking about him in such a filthy way, it was only right for him to think the same, no?

He had two hours before he had to leave and prepare to meet you. He’ll enjoy his fantasy with you once more, his hand firmly wrapping the cotton panties around his hard cock.

When you enter the dimly lit warehouse, your footsteps are much more quiet and scared, which he doesn’t blame. He doesn’t let you simmer in fear for too long, welcoming you to him with open arms. “Welcome, my darling detective!”

“Hello, Bokuto,” you’re quiet, unsure of who can hear you. Such informal speak to the Boss can end your life if you’re not alone, which you find you’re not. A large warehouse with minimal lighting? Bokuto’s a Boss, but he’s no more clever than others you’ve dealt with. “How can I help you?”

“More like how can I help you, you mean? I’ve decided to offer a proposition,” he smirks, sliding his hands in his pockets. It’s a deliberate move, his jacket briefly moving back so the light can catch on the gun. He’s never unarmed, but the looming threat makes everything tense. “You can keep working for the Tokyo Police, in fact, I encourage it! But,” he talks as he walks, footsteps stopping in front of you. “You’ll be working for me. You’ll be mine,”

“With all due respect, I don’t think that’s how police detectives work,”

“I only give information to you. They won’t let you go because you’re the only one who goes back alive, you know,” hooded eyes gaze into yours, a look of fondness in them. “I wouldn’t want you to join them,”

“Sounds like a threat instead of a proposition, sir,”

He just laughs, moving around you. Hands placed firmly on your shoulders, your body’s automatic response is to heat up and prepare for the fan of breath over your ear. “It’s not a threat if you go willingly. You’re clever, but I’m not as dumb as you think. I’m the Boss for a reason, and I know how much you fantasize about me, don’t you?” His words are quiet, but they sink needles into your skin as they leave his lips. “I’ve been keeping an eye on you, pretty birdie. Now, come to me.”

Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, is what you’d shoot back with, but you’re positive you know Bokuto better than your colleagues.

[mxnrly]

hidden, changkyun

fluff, but mostly angst !

again, i blame @ckyunoirs for this, but i accept full responsability. also! the only changkyun mental image you must have is him while being blonde with all those piercings and grunge clothes.

this is just part 1

[part 2]

Laying down on the grass, feeling the wind move side to side, the black dressed couple held hands while listening to some iconic tunes. The boy band, where Changkyun was part of, just had a stunning performance at the bar just like every friday. Sometimes they played covers, sometimes it was their own songs. Today was a cover of the well known band, “5 seconds of summer”.

“You liked the song?” He asked, still looking at the sky.

“I did.” She answered smiling, moving her head, now looking at his profile. “You know? I wish I had dinner with your bandmates, they seem cool!” adding, Changkyun pressed his lips before looking back at her.

“I told you, they are so close minded about any of us having a girlfriend. I’m the first to have a partner between us. Let me make them comfortable about the scenario so they won't feel uneasy around you, ok?” He said so calmly, bringing a hand to her hair, combing a strand behind her ear.

They’ve been together for almost a year now, but she was pretty much hidden behind his shadow. You were his best friend for a long time, so the people didn’t grow suspicious about your relationship, but every time you tried to bring up the topic, he always said the same: “Let’s wait a little bit more, my bandmates aren’t ready.” And you understood, of course, you said yes to everything he said, the only thing that bothered you was, why was he so close minded about that? Not even his parents knew, and she couldn’t bring herself to sleep at the thought that something was wrong between them.

Tonight wasn’t the exception. The band was going to have a celebration dinner at the bar, drink a little and maybe go home together (or accompanied), but according to Changkyun, they weren’t too much interested in girls at the time, because of the growing popularity the band was getting. The girl couldn’t think about anything but… To accept reality and that his boyfriend maybe was getting a little bit too much recognition, but that was his dream! And she was determined to go through the journey with him, hidden in his shadow, if necessary.

But obviously, not everything is perfect.

One day, Changkyun went to her apartment to spend some time together. Being with him included having to cancel almost all plans because of his writing inspiration coming to him at the least expected moments. But, thank heavens, he found a little space on his agenda he could share with her girl! And it was what she was doing, sharing some quality time with her boyfriend before he went to a performance.

Both of them lying in front of the other, he was stretching a hand at her, while she was keeping it still with one hand and with the other, drenching the tiny nail polish brush on the black paint. It was the first time he agreed to do that kind of stuff, but seeing her girl happy was so worth it.

“I think we’re done.” She said while closing the polish while blowing gently over his hand. He smiled a little bit at the image.

“You painted yours too!” He noticed, with a weird tint on his voice. The girl smiled and nodded without looking at him but her hand. Ignoring completely the fact that his boyfriend seems a little uncomfortable at sharing even a mundane thing like that.

Not caring too much about it, after the nails were completely dry, they changed clothes ready to leave for the presentation. Changkyun was already outside when the girl finished doing her makeup. “Wait for me!” she yelled.

Before she could even get out of the apartment, Changkyun was looking at her weirdly. “What’s wrong?” she asked, confused by the expression on his face.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. You can’t come with me.” He said so emotionlessly that she felt a little pang in the heart.

“What?”

“Yeah, because…” he speaked rapidly, moving his eyes everywhere but hers. “You know, the band is getting bigger, if fans see us together, they’ll harm you.”

Oh! Another way to put the typical “I don’t want you there.”, unfortunately it wasn’t the first time he had told her that same sentence to defend his act.

“I start to think you’re ashamed of me.” She said, on a low tone, but still, he could hear her.

His grunt was all she could hear after. He moved his head at the sky, sighing real loudly. “I thought you understood-”

“I do! I do everything for you! But every time I want to do something that involves what you love with me, you shove me away as if I was nothing!” the weight on her heart pressed on the chest, making her breath itch. “If you’re so ashamed of me being your girlfriend, you can as well go alone.” she said closing the door on his face, letting him without the opportunity of excusing himself.

But she didn’t want more lies.

______________________________________________

The hours passed and she was almost eating her nails out of anxiety. Sighing, she let her body relax on the mattress, thinking if he exceeded herself. Maybe there were some obsessive fans who could damage their relationship, maybe HE REALLY was protecting her.

Closing her eyes for a second, decided to simply get through it and apologize. He was the person she loved the most, after all. Picking her jacket, she went to the kitchen where she last used her phone. Picking it, she noticed the notifications blowing off. Something inside of her twisted. Did something happen to Changkyun? What was all this about?

The first thing she saw was a message of her best friend telling her to open a link. It led to an instagram post. From the thumbnail she could see Changkyun’s profile close to the camera, holding a beer. Pressing play, there was him, but he wasn’t alone. He was fighting with a boy.

His fists were closed and his ears were so red, they looked like they were on the verge of exploding. Then, she could hear his voice, so she pressed the volume button to listen to the audio better. The sound surrounded the kitchen.

“Admit it, that girl that is always around you is just an attention seeker. Why would you stay with her?” Not only the voice of the other man was saying that, but all the girls around Changkyun repeated the words, echoing in the kitchen.

“Don’t talk about her in that way, okay?” Changkyun’s voice defending her brought warmth to her heart. But the video was just beginning.

“Aw, did I offend your girlfriend? Maybe she is your partner after all.” The voices were even stronger this time.

“Break up with her!” “She doesn’t deserve you!” “Bet I could make you feel even better with just my hand!” and more things were yelled.

Pacing on both feet, awaiting Changkyun's answer, she started to bite her lip. Would he- Would he really confess in front of all the peopl-

“That’s ridiculous! Me? With her?” A loud scoff was heard on the other side of the phone. “She just have a stupid crush on me! Only in her dreams!” Changkyun yelled with a smirk on his face, taking a long sip of his beer. The noise of all the people around yelling and laughing made the girl feel numb.

And the video ended.

[chemicalpink]

Hey, I hope you are doing good this was a thing that was wondering me so there are lot of bts future spouse /soulmate/twinflame videos being made on youtube and honestly everyone is being psychic like it has become a shitshow and what was previously just for curiosity fun and entertainment are becoming extremely emotionally invested in the topic especially for maknae line soulmate it would be interesting if the can do a tarot reading or your spiritual experience why is the future spouse saga turning ugly and does universe what us to know something through it !? Because it's becoming pretty crazy right now

Okay so I believe that yes, the spiritual part has a lot to do behind this occurrence, but I also think its roots lay on psicosocial matters and honestly I could go on for days about this but I’ll try to restrict it to a few points that you’ve mentioned

Why all of a sudden everyone seems to be tarot readers/astrologers/psychic?

The capitalism behind celebrities and how does that play a part in what is going on?

Are these people accurate at all?

How does energy shifting play a part in this?

Is the soulmate journey even something a third person would be able to note?

But first a Disclaimer: this opinion/rant is based on my experience with spirituality, I am obviously a mere mortal, so I do not hold the absolute truth. Spirituality is a constant learning process and it is open to discussion and interpretation of each person. I am also now a proud sociologist graduate that specialises in a lot of the stuff that has to do with what anon is asking, I’m a social behaviouralist applied to the entertainment industry as well but I’ll also provide my resources in the end.

A/N: Some of you might not yet be ready to read all of this, if I see ANY of you trying to start beef with me, even after the disclaimer, I'm gonna block you. If you want to talk more about it or want to discuss it further, DO SO OFF ANON. ISTG you’ve been warned, I’ve been working on this for the longest time, it even has resources to back all of it up! I’m so glad anon asked, I’m done being diplomatic on this topic (I know people that usually ask stuff are so respectful and i love you guys for it, this note is for those people that regularly jump on my asks to stir things up)

You guys are in for a whole academic article if you decide to read this

SO FUN AND EXCITINGGGG Let us start with behavioural economics as our base to understand the whole phenomenon, it's such a broad and kinda complex concept (especially since I’m trying to extrapolate it to this particular scenario) so let me do my best. It has a lot to do with trend following, although at least to me, it's unclear how exactly this content came to be (soulmate readings, channeling messages, etc) I am guessing it had something to do with an intersectionality between the general spirituality boom that we’ve met with during the pandemic and some person that just as any other marketable opportunity, saw a bridge between fandom life and this spiritual life (both prominent trends in the last two years or so) and honestly, it worked perfectly, whatever their initial intentions were, they threw out a new “product” and it kind of sold itself, two different trends coming together… turned into a behavioural game theory where if you played the part that allows your content to be consumed, you’ll get rewarded for it. In more simple words, tarot meets fandoms (alternatively, tarot meets BTS) is great as it is! but the fan behaviour (which we’ll talk about in a bit) positions the most private parts of the celebrities’ lives to be much more interesting than things that we are already able to see (personal experience, love readings do so much better than idk career readings and it all comes down to behavioural trends of perceiving ‘love’ as something very intimate)

Now, this is where we’ll begin to talk about capitalism as a whole, even in non-monetary systems like social media, where it takes more of a rewarding system via likes, views, reblogs, etc. The whole principle of us living in such a system is being aspirational, we see others profiting off of something, we might want to reach out and do the same so we can profit ourselves, which honestly, I think is what happened with the whole BTS soulmate readings boom, they get a lot of attention, and as a basic market law, as demand goes up and a few people that initially did these readings are no longer capable to satisfy the need of the people wanting to know all the tea, there are market opportunities for other people to do the same thing and increase the offer, although since this whole theory is behavioural, it is very context-dependant, which ends up not following the principle of the consumers being rational about how much and what content they consume, they just sort of consume all of it, regardless of whether the content creator is qualified to offer such content or not, which ultimately only adds onto a never ending cycle of more people claiming they are tarot readers/astrologers/psychics and fear nothing because this is the internet, you don't really have to enter any qualifications to be able to create content, whether someone is reliable in internet terms is basically all about how many likes they’ve got (which is why I always tell you guys to please consume content responsible).

When it comes to accuracy- I guess that’s the hardest part of all, we can’t just have pointers that would automatically tells us if someone’s craft is valid or not, since everyone’s craft is different all craft is valid to a certain extent (you can easily find scammers of course but that’s another story) what we can have are personal standards and deciding what content to consume or whose content to consume, but that’s entirely a personal decision and since so many people are invested in it- it seems really hard that these “market tendencies” might change any time soon. On that same note of accuracy, I really feel the need to talk about a major occurrence I’ve come across in this whole soulmate scene, minors. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a minor and approaching spirituality (I was very much a minor when I started) but there’s a huge difference between just playing around and deciding to create content for the whole world to have access to. Of course I’m aware not all tarot readers in the BTS fandom are minors, and ARMY is very diverse and even if they were only minors it would be wrong to invalidate them, but we can’t ignore the statistics of it when touching this particular topic, according to 2020 data, 50,31% of ARMY are below 18 years old, and 42,59% are between 18-29 but why is this important? because the exact historical and economic moment we are living in mainly impacts these two age groups, thus making all 92,90% of ARMY a potential target to consuming or falling in a behavioural game theory of creating this content without them necessarily being qualified for it. But hey, why do you keep talking about the importance of being qualified? Glad you asked, creating spiritual content all comes down to one amazing term: accountability.

And this will explore two main phases of it, one applicable for that 50,31% that could potentially be drawn to create spiritual content and other for the 42,59% that could potentially be dragged to creating that content without much spiritual knowledge. For the first one, it has a lot to do with cognitive aspects, young people tend to do stuff without much further thought about how their actions impact other people, which, as they should, they are kids, they shouldn’t have to worry too much about emotional responsibility as us adults do, furthermore, they are in life stages where they can’t really comprehend many abstract concepts that we later learn in life, and spirituality is one of those concepts, so they tend to just have fun with it with no regards on how their content might impact other minors (this is where the whole feeding a false scenario that is potentially delusional in exchange of more views, likes comes into play) on a more spiritual level, they also aren’t able to comprehend the boundaries of the celebrities they’re reading for, us readers have to always be careful about the information we give out since it is not ours to give. As for the second group, some of this is still applicable since theorists consider a full cognitive maturity until 23 years of age, but since it is very intersectional itself, i would found it more to a spiritual responsibility, since they are young adults, and if they haven’t been spiritually guided as kids, they’re most probably eager to learn and just awakening yet to some of them the drive to this spirituality is content creation instead of inner work, so they get their hands on a tarot deck, might kind of read a few things, call it a day and start reading for BTS (note: not all of them, I’m aware)

As for the maknae line being the most sought out people with this content, I guess it kinda makes sense now that I’ve said all of the information above, maknae line is closest to the age group of 92,90% of ARMY, so they instantly become more marketable to this content creation and the whole Game Theory that we are seeing. With all that being said, and just adding a note coming from my own spiritual experience, soulmates in any form are a difficult topic for a third person to prode, which is why I, personally, tend to not touch that topic, love is one hell of a concept, especially since we all have different conceptions of love and interpersonal relationships. I do know for a fact that there’s only so far we can go in terms of fated connections, like with astrology, but even then, we would have to know their birth times exactly (so we can check for any indicator or a soulmate connection), and/or compare BTS with the rest of the world’s population in order to accurately tell if someone has a soulmate synastry/overlay/composite with them. Also, soulmate journeys are intimate and we are all just fans, what right do we even have to look for things that do not and will never belong to us?

This is why I’m always telling you guys to PLEASE consume content responsibly! Really! Us content consumers also have our part to play that can help us get more accurate, more drama-free content

REFERENCES (what? you thought I was joking? they’re in alphabetical order)

ARMYCENSUS 2020

Loewenstein, G., O’Donoghue, T., & Rabin, M. (2003). Projection bias in predicting future utility. Quarterly Journal of Economics, 118(4), 1209-1248.

March, J. G. (1978). Bounded rationality, ambiguity, and the engineering of choice. The Bell Journal of Economics, 9(2), 587-608.

Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion and motivation Psychological Review, 98, 224-253.

Mazar, N., Amir, O., & Ariely, D. (2008). The dishonesty of honest people: A theory of self-concept maintenance. Journal of Marketing Research, 45(6), 633-644.

Murphy, S. T., & Zajonc, R. B. (1993). Affect, cognition, and awareness: Affective priming with optimal and suboptimal stimulus exposures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 723-729.

Samson, A., & Voyer, B. (2014). Emergency purchasing situations: Implications for consumer decision-making. Journal of Economic Psychology, 44, 21-33.

Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. New York: Ecco.

Shah, A. K., & Oppenheimer, D. M. (2008). Heuristics made easy: an effort-reduction framework. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 207-222.

Thaler, R. H. (2015). Misbehaving: The making of behavioral economics. Allen Lane.

Thaler, R. H. (2008). Mental accounting and consumer choice. Marketing Science, 27, 15-25.

Wood, W., & Neal, D. T. (2009). The habitual consumer. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 19, 579-592.

[leerongrong]

of dispatch and jealousy.

Pairing: Mark Lee x Reader

Word Count: 2.9k

Summary: In which you’re dragged into a dating scandal with your not-so-boyfriend Jaemin and actual boyfriend Mark gets jealous.

Requested: yess!! what if you wrote a mark x idol!reader where she’s best friends with dream and he gets jealous over her being on a variety show with jaemin and she never leaves jaemin’s  side during it bc she’s nervous and he’s the only one she knows?

“Just relax.” Bright studio lights are somewhat blinding, they stand tall and loom over the figures standing side by side to each other. The studio’s buzzing with life as staff and crew members hustle around the space to prepare the stars for their filming schedule, one of them standing in front of you to add finishing touches to your makeup while another behind you, adding hair spray to your already frigid hair. Your eyes are trailing to the side, where you see one of your best friends in a similar condition. “Besides, you look prettier when you smile.”

The smile that breaks out on Jaemin’s face is sweet, the same one you always see him wear on camera, and it’s almost contagious that your lips start to stretch into one. You and Jaemin are currently on set for a variety show, sent as SM’s representatives along with a few other groups from other agencies, all of them unknown people to you, knowing none of them with only Jaemin as your companion.

“Mark-hyung agrees with me too.” He’s putting both of his hands on his waist, in a mocking fashion along with puffing his chest out and trying his best in imitating Mark’s voice. “She’s so pretty when she smiles- I mean she’s always pretty but like especially when she smiles, the really big one you know? Honestly every one of her smiles are angelic but- you get what i mean right, Jaems?”

The giggle he pulls out of you is angelic, shaking your whole body while your lips form into a smile. Jaemin’s been the only few people who could pull a genuine smile out of you, the other one being Mark Lee, your otherwise current boyfriend of 6 months.

Jaemin was the one who introduced you, claiming with a wink that, “The two of you were meant for each other.” and while you’d never been one for measly crushes, you couldn’t deny the fact that Mark had you enamoured by your 3rd meet up with him. You both had hit it off enough to write your tittle song together, the one which you used to confess your feelings to him and had hit number 1 in Melon the same day the two of you had gotten together, talk about a win win.

“You really shouldn’t day dream about Hyung here.” Jaemin’s face is up close to yours and he has a teasing smile on his face as he boops your nose along with jabbing his fingers into your stomach. “People could find out.”

Your hairstylist rolls her eyes at the two of you, clearly entertained by your jabs and nicks at each other. She adds another clip into your hair before parting on her way while your eyes are scanning the other idols, along with Jaemin, smiling politely when one of them sends a wave your way.

“Everyone! Let’s get started!”

Thinking back on the variety show you did with Jaemin a few months ago, you couldn’t think of anything wrong. It had gone of smoothly, both the MC’s and other idols had been nothing but sweet to you, some even ended up being your friend afterwards. But as you’re sitting down in your own dorm, phone in hand while scrolling down the multiple headlines and news about you and Jaemin supposedly dating, you suppose you guessed wrong.

(BREAKING) DIspatch Reveals NCT Dream’s Na Jaemin and Soloist Y/N Are Dating.

Dispatch has confirmed another 2020′s SM Couple: NCT Dream’s Na Jaemin and Soloist Y/N!

Every year, Korean news outlet Dispatch rings in by revealing new celebrity couples to the public. This year, they released photos proving that NCT Dream’s Na Jaemin and Soloist Y/N have been secretly seeing each other.

According to Dispatch, Jaemin picked Y/N up at her dorm after shortly coming back from his sold out world tour, the two wearing masks and hats to cover their faces before they went to a restaurant for their date.

Dispatch also caught the couple walking while holding hands with each other very often, in between schedules or at filming sights. One of which is weekly idol, where a leaked footage reveals the couple acting very lovey dovey with each other on set.

The dorm is silent, not one sound in the air. The clock is ticking soundly while the cooked dinner you had set up slowly begins to become cold with the amount of time you’ve chosen to scroll down your phone while biting at your nails.

user 0945: i think they’re cute with each other.

user 4790: shouldn’t she be focusing on her career first? she debuts in SM and she’s wasting her time on dating? what an idiot.

user 6905: what does jaemin even see in her?

user 4823: she’s human too! it should be her choice to date.

user 8755: they’ve been dating for 2 years? wow.. we really don’t know our idols after all..

You’re taking in one comment after the other, some of your fans shipping you with Jaemin while others are bashing at the fact that you’ve chosen to get a boyfriend, claiming you as theirs to begin with. Your heart is filled with anxiety, a feeling of everything closing in at once and you’re taking in deep breaths to reduce the amount of stress you feel in your system.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! You have 25 new messages.

[22:10] Lee MinMark sent a message.

Babe? Are you okay?

[22:11] Lee MinMark sent a message.

Babe, please read your texts.

[22:12] You have one (1) missed voice call from Lee MinMark.

[22:13] Lee MinMark sent a message.

Answer your phone. Please. I need to know if you’re okay.

[22:13] Lee MinMark sent a voicemall.

[22:15] You have two (2) missed voice calls from Lee MinMark.

[22:15] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message.

so we’re dating now??

[22:15] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message.

does hyung know about this??

[22:17] You have four (4) missed voice call from Lee MinMark.

[22:17] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message.

hyung looks worried and pissed

[22:17] Boss Manager sent a message.

Do not give any information to the press. You need to stay quiet until this blows over.

[22:17] You have seven (7) missed voice calls from Lee MinMark.

[22:18] Boss Manager sent a message.

Come to the office tomorrow. We need to have a talk.

[22:19] Lee MinMark sent a message.

Fuck it. I’m coming over.

[22:20] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message. 

hyung’s coming over to you!

[23:07] Boss Manager sent a message.

Stay calm and be safe.

Your ears perk up when multiple knocks come from the door, fast and more urgent one after the other, turning into rapped jabs at the wooden surface. It soon turns into outright banging and your phone falls down to the carpeted floor below at the sound. You’re raising yourself up on shaky feet, slowly reaching out to grab the emergency bat beside the door and tiptoeing to peep through the fish eye door camera you installed for emergencies like this.

The door bursts open and you’re yelping, swinging the bat blindly at the unknown person in your home. “It’s me! It’s me! It’s Mark!”

“Mark? Are you out of your mind!?” The bat mistakenly hits Mark on his shoulder, him letting out a groan and kneeling down while clutching his injured shoulder. “I’m sorry! Oh My God. Are you okay?”

The door shuts with a soft click while Mark’s still bent down in front of him, promptly groaning when the wood catches on his shirt. You’re shuffling around, running to the freezer for an ice pack to help your boyfriend. The ice is cold in your hands, the material numbing your fingers as you press it down onto his injury.

“Are you okay?”

“How are you?”

You break out into a fit of giggles while Mark lets out a few chuckles, the both of you stilling for a moment before you tear of his cap and mask, revealing the face of your boyfriend. The bags around Mark’s eyes have worsened since the last you saw him, along with the obvious stress lines on his face and frizzy hair from too much hair dye as an added plus.

The dorm is still as silent as ever, this time the sounds of slurping noodles are added to the mix along with the sound of chattering news outlets on TV. Your eyes are wrapped around Mark’s neck as you sit in his lap, head laying in the crook of his shoulder as he works one his hands around your waist while the other sets down the cup of noodles on the desk beside him.

“How are you doing?” He mumbles, lips finding their way to your forehead to leave a peck in place. “About the dating thing.”

“I’m fine.” Your eyelids are starting to droop, the warmth Mark emits adding to the stressful situation makes you want to fall asleep and forget all your worries, even just for a little while. You lean back, eyes flicking up to meet his when he nods as an answer. “How about you?”

“What do you mean?” Mark’s eyes are a soft brown with a tint of gold to them, holding specks of stolen sunlight in them, the kind that you’d miss just with one glance. They’re filled with a raw emotion, an unwavering gaze that sometimes you find hard to meet, along with the earth’s unfiltered beauty that is so fascinating yet intriguing to memorize. “With the comeback? Babe?”

“I mean- yes, the comeback.” You laugh at the confused look at his face, his expression looking similarly like that of a confused puppy and you’re reminding yourself to change his names in your contacts. “But like- more of the me dating Jaemin news.”

“Oh” He mumbles, “I don’t really have an opinion on that..”

You’re tilting your head the moment he finishes his sentence. You know, for a fact, Mark’s never been one to back track on his words and you’re sure the way he spoke sounded more of like a question than it did a statement. “That’s good. I guess..”

“Are you staying the night?”

Mark’s head shoots up from its resting point in the crook of your neck, and he’s staring at you with a look of wonder in his eyes that had you ducking from his gaze, mouth stretching into a shy smile as you see a smile spread on his.

“You just had a dating scandal spread about you and your best friend,” He laughs, “But you still want me to stay over? I really am glad I’m dating you.”

Mark’s hands are pinching at your cheeks, his hands stretching the supple flesh while he scrunches his nose. Your own are entangled behind his neck, tugging the hairs on the nape of his neck with a scrunch of your own nose. It was moments like these that made you fall in love with Mark, the dorky boy that had his nose pressed up against glass, watching a thunderstorm and laughing. As an idol yourself, you found Mark most beautiful not when he had full on make up, but when he didn’t. You fell in love with him when he was lying on the carpet, hair a mess, laughing about something he saw on the internet. When he wasn’t trying to impress anyone, and had taken down all the walls he built for most people.

Six months in and all you knew was that Mark’s your muse, the one you write songs about, and the one who holds your heart.

Mark opens his eyes to the sound of your phone humming lowly and you asleep with his arms around you. He’s reaching his arm for the phone slowly in hopes he doesn’t wake you up from his movements.

You have 3 new messages.

[3:07] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message.

mark hyung went over to yours a few hours ago and he hasn’t come back yet

[3:07] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message. 

is he over with you?

[3:08] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message.

lovie, answer your phone please :(

A scoff comes out from Mark’s mouth the moment his eyes land on the nickname Jaemin specifically has for you. Even before the dating news broke out, Mark’s always been a bit jealous of you and Jaemin’s bond, the people around him always thinking Jaemin’s the one who stole your heart. Jaemin, the one who’s been by your side and who knows you the best, Na Jaemin and not Mark Lee.

You have 5 new messages.

[3:09] You have one (1) missed call from “Lover” Boy Nana.

[3:10] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a voice mail.

[3:11] You sent a message to “Lover” Boy Nana.

Stop messaging MY girlfriend at 3 AM, Na.

Tapping sounds fill the air as Mark turns off your phone before placing it somewhere behind him, he’s looking down at you to make sure he hasn’t woken you up and he’s smiling at the sight of you sleeping on his chest. Mark’s putting his hands under your feet, lifting you up bridal style to place you on your bed. He’s tucking you in when your hands grab at the front of his shirt.

“Don’t leave,” You mumble, “Stay, please.”

“You know I can’t.” Mark’s bending down to press a kiss onto your forehead, cheeks warming when he sees you unconsciously smile in your sleep. Even when he wishes he could spend the night snuggled up with you, he doesn’t want you to get into more trouble than you already have. “I’ll text you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.”

The room is engulfed in darkness the moment Mark’s fingers touch the lamp, his footsteps echoing just a bit before disappearing completely once the door clicks shut. He’s crouching down to throw out his used ramen bowl into the trash can in the kitchen, hands multitasking as he also picks up his hat and mask from the desk.

Mark’s looking back to the direction of your bedroom while he puts his mask on, fixing the hat onto his head. The image of your slightly messy bedhead and cute pout appears in his head and he’s shaking his head, lips parting to let out a chuckle. “One day, they’ll know about us.”

The sun’s rays wake you up from your sleep, groaning at the light that hits your eyes. Your joints and muscles protest when you sit up in bed, wanting nothing but to go back to sleep. Your legs hit the floor, slightly trembling when you feel the cold wood in contrast to your warm temperature, and you’re walking out of your room in search of your boyfriend and your phone.

The dinging from the kitchen catches your attention and you make a beeline for it, doing a slight victory dance when you find your phone on the kitchen counter right next to some chocolate you’re sure you didn’t have yesterday.

You have new messages.

[3:11] You sent a message to “Lover” Boy Nana.

Stop messaging MY girlfriend at 3 AM, Na.

[3:12] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message. 

omo omo hyung no need to be so grumpy

[3:12] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message. 

im just “dating” her not  d a t i n g  her

[3:13] “Lover” Boy Nana sent a message. 

come back to the dorms before manager realizes you’re gone

[3:14] You sent a message to “Lover” Boy Nana. 

yeah yeah omw

[3:39] Lee MinMark sent a message. 

I’m sorry I didn’t stay over! Don’t want you getting in more trouble

[3:40] Lee MinMark sent a message. 

Good night, and I love you.

[7:45] Boss Manager sent a message. 

Meeting at 10. Don’t be late.

The smile that spreads on your face is automatic and the giddiness feels like a wake up call from your previously still drowsy self. Your fingers work nimbly, tapping out words to text Mark before a text arrives just before you sent it.

You have new messages.

[8:13] Lee MinMark sent a message. 

“I fought my eyes

to stay awake.

No dream

was prettier

than the way she slept.”

[8:13] You changed Lee MinMark’s name to Lion Cub.

[8:13] You sent a message to Lion Cub.

I knew you were jealous!

[8:14] Lion Cub sent a message.

Good morning to you too. Sleep well?

[8:14] You sent a message to Lion Cub.

I did! Would’ve been better with you next to me tho :(

[8:14] You sent a message to Lion Cub.

Also that poem is just ugh :(

[8:23] You sent a message to Lion Cub.

Mark? Where did you go?

[8:25]  Pwark Ji-Ji sent a message.

mark hyung banned me from texting you for a week :(

[8:25]  Pwark Ji-Ji sent a message. 

why is he like this :(

[8:25]  Pwark Ji-Ji sent a message. 

so mean :(

[8:26]  Pwark Ji-Ji sent a message.

this is nana btw! hyung’s taking a shower rn and jisung let me borrow his phone eheh

[8:26]  Pwark Ji-Ji sent a message.

no, actually i lied. i stole it from him

[8:26]  Pwark Ji-Ji sent a message.

have a good day, lovie!! ill see you later at that meeting (mark hyung doesnt know btw eheheh)

[8:26] You sent a message to Pwark Ji-Ji.

You’re horrible, Na! Give sungiie his phone back :(

[8:26] You sent a message to Pwark Ji-Ji. 

See you later!! (Also, hi sungiie!!)

[wiypt-writes]

Riding High

Ch 5: Ad Nauseam

Chapter Summary: It’s Mary’s first day at school, and it doesn’t go according to plan… Chapter Warnings: Bad Language words.

Chapter Pairings:  Frank Adler x OFC Fliss Gallagher

A/N: So from here on in we dive into the GIFTED main story line so this contains SPOILERS for the film. If you haven’t seen it please be aware of that before you read on. As a Lawyer I know how long the types of cases depicted in GIFTED can take, so for that reason I’ll be spreading the storyline over a number of Months, because I find that realistic and it also fits with how I want the story to go so…just roll with it!

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Fliss Gallagher and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Riding High Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 4

September 2017

“Hey! Come on.” Frank sighed, knocking on the door that led into his bedroom where Mary was getting changed “Come on let’s move”.

“No” came the sullen reply

“Let me see.” he said a little more gently.

“No.”

“Come on, I made you a special breakfast.” Frank tried.

“You can't cook.” Mary replied, a snort in her voice. With a deep sigh Frank decided enough was enough.

“Hey, Mary, open up.” his voice was sterner and a few seconds later the door opened and Mary looked up at him. She was dressed in her new red summer dress with a white collar and blue and white flowers patterned all over it. She wore a filthy scowl on her face which Frank was trying really hard not to laugh at.

“You look beautiful.” he told her.

“I look like Disney character.” She seethed as she stormed past him. Frank watched her pass as the door to the room shut, gave a sigh and then followed her to the kitchen. She sat at the table, pulling the bowl of cereal to her as Frank set about making her lunch.

“Where's the special?” Mary suddenly said.

“What?” Frank asked, reaching up for a piece of kitchen roll to wipe a knife clean.

“You said you made me special breakfast.”

Frank leaned over and with his left hand turned the box of Special K round so Mary could see it. She rolled her eyes and made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl. Frank ignored her until she spoke again, her voice pleading.

“Please, don't make me go. You can keep home schooling me.”

“I've taught you everything I know” Frank replied, smearing peanut butter onto the bread in front of him.

“But I don't want to go.”

“Well... I don't want to go to work, but I do.” Frank shrugged as he fixed the sandwich together and reached for a zip-press bag to place it in.

“You don't go to work. You fix boats on the dock.”

“Okay, it's poor example.” he said, pulling the top of the bag open. “But you are still going.”

“But what about Fred?” Mary asked as Frank shimmied the sandwich into the bag and sealed it

“What about him?” Frank sighed

“You won't take care of him. You don't like cats.”

Well, she had him there. He really didn’t like cats. But Frank was ok. Frank wasn’t really a cat, he was more of a dog…

“I don't like two-eyed cats” Frank shrugged in reply “Fred is as you know, monocular.”

“Who's gonna throw him his ping pong ball?” Mary tried again.

“Fred's gonna be fine, no more argument, okay?” Frank sighed, looking at her as he pulled another sandwich bag from the box for his own. “We've discussed this ad nauseam.”

“What's an nauseam?” Mary frowned.

“You don't know?” Frank turned to look at her, leaning against the kitchen unit. “Looks like someone needs school.” Mary looked at him, an utterly filthy scowl on her face and he stared back. She sighed and turned back to her breakfast, hand propping her face up as her elbow rest on the table. Frank stood watching her whilst he threw some bread in the toaster. He felt bad, he really did but this was for the best. She needed to be normal. He felt his phone buzzing in his back pocket and, wiping his hands on his dirty work jeans, he pulled it out, smiling as he read the text from Fliss.

“Good luck with the whole School thing this morning. If she kicks off tell her no riding lesson on Saturday. Give me a call or swing by if you need me xx”

“I don’t need good luck I need a miracle, and a drink. Is 8am on a Monday too early for a beer?” he replied.

“Well, it’s afternoon somewhere in the world Sailor ;-) “

Gave a chuckle as he put his phone back in his pocket and looked at Mary who was watching him, a knowing look on her face.

“What?”

“I know that was Fliss.” she said.

“How?”

“Because you’re smiling, the way you always do when she messages you.” “Well we’re friends…we like talking to one another. Something you might understand after you make some at school.” She scowled at him again and he ignored her, shoving the last bit of his breakfast into his mouth before he looked at the clock.

“Finish up, it’s nearly time to go.”

With a grumble Mary ate another mouthful before she slid off her chair. Frank packed her lunch into her rucksack before he handed it to her. With another scowl she place her arms through the straps and then together they walked out of their home.

“Just remember that today, those kids in your class, they’ve probably haven’t learnt even half as much as you.” Frank said, looking at her as they walked down the path. “So try not to show off ok?” “I can’t even use what I do know?” “No I’m not saying that, just, don’t make it so obvious ok? It will make people ask questions about why you know so many things and...” “AM I not supposed to know them?”

“Honestly, no, you’re seven.” Frank shrugged. “But you’re smart, you know this.”

She remained quiet for a second before she sighed “Ok, I promise I won’t show off.”

They reach the end of the path and then walked across the grassy area between two of the other prefabs just in time for the bus to pull to a stop.

Frank watched Mary as she stood looking at it as the doors swung open.

“This is gonna be fun.” He said, watching the back of her head “You're gonna meet kids today that you’re gonna borrow money from for the rest of your life.”

She didn’t reply

“Come on.” he urged gently, gesturing her forward with his right arm, his tone somewhat softer. He watched her climb up the staps, his hands falling to his hips as he tried to think of something encouraging to say. “You’re gonna be great.”

She paused and looked back at him, her expression soft.

“You know, just...” He gave her a thumbs up, “I don't know. Try bein' a kid.”

Mary looked down as the school bus doors shut and Frank sighed. He watched her take a seat as the bus pulled off and then turned to head back to the house. He was running through his day in his head, he had a boat he needed to have a look at but didn’t think it was a major fix, few parts that type of thing. He could swing by Sandybrook later on, maybe, see if Fliss was free for an hour for lunch…

There was a rapping on a window and he stopped dead at the end of the path looking up. His eyes locking with Roberta’s as she gazed at him from out of her window. With a sigh of frustration he turned to his left and continued back towards his home another way.

“Frank! Frank, I know you hear me.” He let out an inward groan as he rolled his eyes, ignoring her completely. He walked in the door to his kitchen, shut it and then snapped the lock across to make a point. The point being ‘piss off and leave me alone’. He knew that making the point was, however, pointless because she’d just fucking unlock the door and walk in anyway. Like she always did. He grabbed the toast that had popped up whilst he had been out and threw it on a plate.

“Frank!” There was a juggle of the door handle and he turned to look at Roberta as she pulled out a set of keys.

Ignoring her completely he grabbed a mug and poured some coffee into it.

“There's still time for you to undo this nonsense. Go get in your car and go get that child.”

“Are you technically allowed to use these keys whenever you want?” He said to her, a little sarcastically as he passed her the mug. She took it from him

“How you can stand there...acting all calm and all of that making light out of this?” she asked as he took a bit of his toast “Now, go get her back before it's too late.”

“She gotta go out in the world.” Frank said as he began to tidy up the kitchen, placing the breakfast and lunch making items away “She has no friend her age, no social skills. She doesn’t know how to be a kid.”

Roberta merely watched him as he sighed and turned to face her, leaning his hip against the counter. “Two nights ago she told me that even if Germany bails out the Euro, there could still be worldwide depression.” He shook his head “I was staring at the celling for three hours.” he finished softly

Roberta wrinkled her nose a little and looked down at the floor as she shook her head softly. “I'm so worried.” she said gently, her voice cracking and it was then that Frank noticed her eyes were filling with tears. He knew she cared for Mary, she cared for him too even if she showed that less. And he got it, he did, he got exactly what she was worried about because hell, he felt the same. If people spotted Mary’s potential and then started digging it was going to cause a whole heap of ramifications. But he had to balance out the need to keep her ‘talents’ hidden and for her to have a normal life. He saw so many parallels between Mary and Diane, and frankly it scared the shit out of him. His mother had been overbearing, insisted that they were both home schooled, but when their Father had died Frank had rebelled. He’d gone out, fallen in with a  BMX riding, trouble making crowd (well, as much trouble as eight year olds could make…toilet papering houses, throwing stones at cars, that type of thing) basically stuck the middle finger up at his mother who had in the end conceded and he’d gone to school. But Diane…well, she’d been smothered and grown up so isolated with no social skills.

No, he wasn’t, he couldn’t let that happen to Mary.

He let out a sigh “Come on, Roberta. If you start crying, I will have to pretend to start crying.”

He watched as she nodded sadly.

“Hey.”

She looked up at him as he spoke.

“You know there's something you could be overlookin’.” he smiled “This could work out.”

“Maybe.” she agreed, with a slight nod and a smile “But if anybody takes that baby away...I'll smother you in yo sleep.” she warned him, her southern accent becoming stronger as she issued the threat “Morning, Fred.” she said to the cat who was led on the table. His tail swished as she rather viciously grabbed at her keys before she left the house.

With his fucking mug.

The sun was already warm and it wasn’t even 9 when Frank reached the dock, the rays bouncing off the crystal blue surface of the water. As he walked he applied a slight smearing of sunscreen to his neck, he knew that bore the brunt of the sun when he was outside and not in the lock up. Fliss had commented it on it the other day, and he had admitted  to her that when he’d gotten out of the shower the other day he noticed he was definitely sporting some amusing tan lines, both round the collar of his T-shirts and where the arms finished. It was always the same thought. Fliss had laughed, rolled up her sleeves to show him the same and pointed out it was why she spent as much time as she could on her days off by the pool trying to even it out.

Lying by the pool on a day off… Frank mused to himself, now there was a thought.

Whilst his mind was on Fliss, he pulled his phone out and dialed her number.

“Hey Frankie boy.” she greeted him “Did you manage to get her on the bus without a gun or…” Frank chuckled “It was surprisingly less trouble than I thought but…”

“You’re doing the right thing.” she assured him, and he had to smile at the fact she knew what he was pondering.

“Roberta doesn’t seem to think so.”

“Yeah, well, she’s worried but that doesn’t make her right.” Fliss said “Look, Mary is a kid. She needs to just, oh I dunno, live like a kid. You’ve done the right thing for both of you, Frank.”

“Thanks Fliss.” he smiled to himself “Think I just needed to hear that.” “Any time, look I gotta go, my 9 am is here.” “Ok, well, I thought if the invite was open I could swing by at lunch. I’ll grab us a sandwich on the way?”

“Sounds great.” Fliss said, “Just message me later.” “Sure, have a good morning Cowgirl.” She laughed “You too Sailor.”

He tucked the phone back in his pocketed and continued to head down the gangway, nodding to a few people before he hopped onto the white speed-boat he was working on, pulling the dust cover off the stripped down engine.

**** Two hours. It was a whole two hours before he got a phone call telling him to head into the school. He strode back to the house, quickly washed his hands and threw on a blue and red plaid button down over his grubby white t-shirt before he headed to go get the pain-in-the-ass.

After a number of apologies, Frank walked out of the Principal’s office with a groan. Mary skipped ahead of him, examining something in a cabinet but he placed his hand on her head and turned it in the direction she needed to walk. He pushed open the double doors, letting her go in front of him.

One hand between her shoulder he steered her away from the entrance to the school and was fishing in his pocket for his keys when he heard a voice behind him.

“Excuse me?”

He turned to see a slim, quite pretty brunette in a green and white dress hurrying towards him.

“Hi.” she said, raising her hand in greeting.

“Look it's my teacher.” Mary rolled her eyes as Frank slowed down.  “Probably wants to remind me what one plus one is.”

“Go to the car, okay?” he said, gently guiding her away with his hand.

“Hi” he repeated

“Hi.” Frank replied, removing his glasses and taking her extended hand in greeting.

“Sorry to yell at you and then chase you down.” she apologised.

“It's okay. Mary's teacher?” he asked, releasing her hand.

“Yes. I'm Bonnie Stevenson”

“Frank. How are you?” he said, and then before giving her chance to apologise he sighed “Sorry about today. She got little overexcited.” he gestured to the car as Mary climbed in “It's just first day jitters.”

“Sure, yeah.” Bonnie nodded, turning to look at Mary

“We are running a little bit late actually, so we gotta get going.” Frank said, late for what he had no idea, he hadn’t made that bit up yet.

“Okay, I don't even wanna talk about that.” Bonnie shook her head “I will keep you just a minute”

“Okay.”

“I think your daughter...I think Mary might be gifted.”

Shit.

“What?” Frank feigned surprise, quite well too so it seemed.

“Yeah, today in math, she answered some really, really complicated equations and…”

“Oh, no, no, no…” Frank held his hand out to stop her as she was gesticulating fastly with her own as she continued to speak. “No, that's...it's not gifted.”

“difficult questions that a seven year old would...”

“It's Trachtenberg.” Frank cut her off easily, he could deflect this.

“I’m sorry…” Bonnie laughed, folding her arms, looking at him, puzzled.

“Jakow Trachtenberg.” Frank nodded. “Spent seven years in a concentration camp. Developed a system to rapidly solve problems.” he gestured with the hand holding his keys “It's the Trachtenberg method.”

“But she’s…I mean...she's seven though.” Bonnie said, smiling slightly, her tone still surprised.

“I learned it when I was eight.” he said, smiling “Do I look gifted to you?”

Bonnie looked him up and down and dropped her head, smiling.

“It kinda went out of note since the invention of the calculator.” Frank continued, backing away from her as he spoke, “But I can still win a drink at the bar using it.” he smiled, opening his sunglasses out. “Sorry for today. Won't happen again.”

“Okay.” Bonnie nodded as Frank slid on his shades.

“Nice to meet you…Bonnie.” he said, remembering her name.

“Frank.” Bonnie nodded again.

He drove them home in silence. His only words being an instruction for her to go change into something suitable for an afternoon at the docks before he stepped into the kitchen and remembered his lunch arrangements. With a curse he pulled his phone out and gave Fliss a quick call.

**** Fliss’ morning had been fairly busy as well. She’d given two private lessons, worked one of her horses, mucked half the block out as it was a Monday, which meant that Ellis had the day off so she mucked in, and was now going through the bookings for the week. She’d been inundated this week with requests that she couldn’t accommodate, but was contemplating putting another lesson on to satisfy the demand. Bill had told her not to be stupid, she was already teaching 6 days a week and needed to let her staff shoulder some of the responsibility before she burnt out.

“Joanne?” she called. Joanna walked in and looked at Fliss.

“How do you fancy over for me completely on a Sunday?” she asked.

“Me?” Joanne frowned.

“Yeah.” Fliss nodded “You open up, close and can run a couple of Classes. You have your teaching qualifications. I can supervise the first two weeks or so and if you’re happy after that then you can take the day completely, take 20% of the earnings as an extra. What do you say?”

“Fliss, I’d, well, I don’t know what to say!” Joanne grinned “Yeah, yeah I’d love to!”

“Good.” Fliss smiled “There’s a list of clients here, you can call back after lunch and offer them a time slot to suit you on Sunday, have a think about a lesson plan for groups and then…” “Thanks Fliss. “ Joanne smiled “This means a lot.” “You’ve earned it.” Fliss smiled “You’ve been a perfect head groom these last 6 months. Keep going and…well, we’ll see where we end up!”

Joanne beamed and nodded, heading back out onto the yard.

Fliss took a deep breath. She had spent so much of her life not in control of her career or home life, doing as she was told by John, when she was told to do it or suffer the consequences of a beating, that she had gone the complete opposite way when she had taken grasp of her own life. Her business was run by her with military precision. Bill did the books for her, but other than that she arranged everything. She was a control freak, she knew that so stepping away 1 day a week might seem like a little step to other people but to her it was a huge one. Bill had reminded her the other night that the idea had been that eventually Fliss would have a manager running the place for her which meant she could turn up to provided lessons and ride when needed. She was a long way off that yet though, but this one day off was a little progress.

Her phone started ringing and she reached over to pick it up, smiling when she saw the number.

“Two calls before noon!” Fliss grinned “I’m honoured”

“Unfortunately I’m calling to cancel lunch.” Frank sighed.

Fliss was surprised she felt disappointed. “Oh, it’s no issue.” She said, pulling a face. “Is everything alright.

“No.” he replied bluntly.

“Mary?”

“How did you guess?” he gave a low chuckle.

“She’s normally your source of your trouble. What has she done?”

“Apparently she stood up in class, and shouted at the principal to, and I quote ‘get on your phone and call Frank and tell him to get me out of here.’ I mean…”

Fliss bit back a laugh. It shouldn’t be funny, but she could picture Mary’s angry face and her arms folded across her chest. Despite her best attempts an amused snort escaped her.

“It’s not funny.” Frank deadpanned

“I know, I’m sorry but…“ Fliss cleared he throat, forcing herself to become serious.

“You now I wasn’t a perfect kid but I’m pretty sure I never got thrown out before lunchtime on my first day.” Frank sighed.

“She’s not been thrown out…just told to go home early” Fliss countered

“Well I brushed it off as first day excitement but the teacher was digging into how smart she is and…”

“Look, try not to worry.” Fliss soothed, sensing the tone of panic in his voice “Just try talking to Mary You always get the best out of her when you explain things to her.”

“Yeah, look, I better go…I need to get back to the boat yard.”

“No problem. Take care, and, just…well, listen to her Frank.”

“Yeah, bye Fliss.”

Fliss placed her phone down on her desk, and bit her lip. The morning had started off reasonably well too. She knew Frank well enough now to know that his frustration with Mary was born out of simply wanting the absolute best for her, and he was completely focused on making that happen even if Mary was not happy about it.

Fliss tapped her nails absentmindedly on the desk, trying to think of ways she could help. But other than talk to Mary, as she had encouraged Frank to do, she was stumped.

Nope, Fliss didn’t envy Frank one bit.

*****

“For the record, I didn't wanna go to the stupid school in the first place.”  Mary rambled on as she perched on a cool box, blue sun hat perched on her face as Frank finally finished his work on the engine, screwing the cover back on “And the boy in the front row acts inappropriately for someone who's a child.”

“Sorry. I'm still passively aggressively ignoring you.” he said without looking up.

“Other kids answer questions, they don't get in trouble.” Mary continued to protest.

“You didn't get in trouble for answering the questions.” Frank looked at her, still turning the screw driver, his voice taking on a tone of exasperation. “You yelled at the principal.”

Mary looked at him, shrugging.

“All right, you know what? You're gonna find this interesting.” he said, stepping back slightly, tossing the screwdriver onto one of the seats as he made his way to the cockpit of the boat “So I googled" first graders who yelled at the principal". And statistically you will never believe how many kids do it.”

He started working his way through the checks as Mary answered

“How many?”

“None.” he shot back over his shoulder as he fired up the boat, revving it slightly. He heard Mary’s footsteps as she ran down the side of the boat and stopped.

“Frank, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.” she said leaning over the edge to look at him.

“Yeah, right.” he said, shaking his head before he turned to look at her “You can't show off like that in school.”

“I know.”

“You promised you wouldn't then the first day...”

“I know, I screwed up.”

Frank looked at her, he could see she was genuinely contrite. Her head was dropped slightly. He watched her for a moment before he nodded and looked back out of the water before she spoke again.

“Do you think this boat needs a test ride?”

He looked back at her as she grinned up at him, the gap where her two top teeth had fallen out serving as a reminder as to just how young she damned well was. Like he could ever forget that, mind. Frank looked down and shoved his glasses back as they slipped down his nose and with a sigh he gave in, the way he normally did when she pulled those puppy dog eyes on him.

“Go get, Fred.”

She smiled and jumped up.

“Don't run!” he called after her, watching as she slowed to a walk for a few strides, before running anyway. He shook his head, smiling to himself at her blatant disregard for his order.

She appeared a little while later and Frank got her settled in the seat of the boat with a life vest and a blanket covering her legs, it could get a little nippy on the water for Mary, not that it bothered him.

“Ready?” he asked

She gave him a thumbs up and he pulled the boat out of the spot and headed slowly out of the harbour. Once on the open water he sped up, relishing the feel of the wind in his hair. He felt at peace on the water, something about it soothed his soul. He drove them to a stretch of beach they knew and loved, a quiet one and he drove the boat into the shallow water before he shucked off his shoes and socks, rolled his jeans up and jumped down, pushing it up onto the sand.

“Alright short stack…” he smiled as Mary grinned and stood up. She shucked off her life vest and he lifted her out of the boat before passing Fred over. He hopped back in, grabbed the parasol and a fold out chair, passing her a bucket and spade, all of which he had thrown on the boat whilst she’d headed off to get Fred, before they made their way up the beach.

Mary soon set off, digging about in the sand and collecting shells, like a normal kid her age should do and Frank settled down to watch her, occasionally glancing out into the ocean, spotting every so often the ripple of the resident pod of dolphins as they broke surface lazily. Mary was splashing around in the shallow pools on the beach, Fred by her side before she looked up and came running towards him, jumping on his knee as the birds flew down to inspect what the tide had washed in.

“You ok?” he asked.

“Yeah.” she smiled, shifting around to get comfortable. “Fred loves to watch the sandpipers.”

Fred gave a meow as if to confirm what she was saying and Frank looked down at the cat as it lounged in the shade.

“He thinks he'd like to catch one, but he'd regret it.” she continued “Fred's not a killer. He's a lover.”

She gave a sigh and leaned back into him, her back resting against his chest and Frank moved his arms as she took his left hand in both of hers, gently looking at his palm and playing with his fingers.

“Would my mom want me to go to this school?” she asked.

“I can only guess.” Frank replied, honestly “But I will tell you that she would have wanted you to have friends.”

“Idiot friends?”  Mary said, almost groaning.

“She'd want you to have compassion for others.” Frank tilted his head so he was looking down at the side of her face “Like a cat can have for a sandpiper.”

Mary paused and shifted slightly, looking down a little “But what if they don't like me?” she asked softly.

And God, if that didn’t break his heart! He swallowed and took a moment, before he looked at her.

Then they're idiots.” he said simply, and in his mind it was the truth.

Mary didn’t reply, instead she leaned back, her head on his shoulder and Frank gently wrapped his arms further around her, patting her stomach gently. They both sat in silence for a bit, Mary gently tickling the back of his hands with her own. He was just thinking about telling her they really should get back, when he felt her sit up.

“Hey, is that Fliss?”                                

Frank frowned and looked at her, “Where?”

“There, look.” He followed where she was pointing and squinted slightly. There was a woman riding a chestnut horse a little further down the beach, and it certainly looked like Fliss.

“Hang on…” Frank pulled out his phone. He dialled Fliss and as he watched he saw the woman pause and reach into her boot to retriever her phone.

“Hey…” she greeted him.

“Turn to your left.”

There was a pause and then as she did so the two of the waved. Fliss laughed.

“Be right there…”

She placed the phone back in her boot and then kicked the horse into a gallop. It sped over the sand, kicking up spray as it went and Mary giggled and jumped off Frank’s knee as she approached.

“Hi!” she beamed down at them as she pulled the horse to a stop. Frank stood up and smiled at her. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Had to take the speedboat for a test drive.” Frank shrugged.

“Test sail.” Fliss countered.

“Whatever.” Frank rolled his eyes as Mary was busy stroking Heidi’s face. “What about you?”

“Oh had a spare afternoon so decide to load her majesty up and come down here.” she smiled “It’s nice and quiet. Sometimes I see the dolphins too.” Frank noticed the way her face lit up as she said that, and he smiled.

“They’re even better up close.” Mary grinned.

“Well, one day maybe I’ll get the chance” Fliss smiled.

“I still owe you a ride.” Frank smiled and she grinned.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Fliss grinned, “And speaking of rides…” she looked at Mary and gestured to the horse.

Frank took a deep breath “seriously?”

“Come on.” Fliss said “She’ll be safe, I trust this horse with my life.” Mary, suddenly realising what was being said looked to Frank, her eyes sparkling.

“Fine…” Frank sighed, shaking his head “But drop her and I’ll kill you.”

“What do you take me for?” Fliss scoffed, removing her hat and handing it to Mary. Once she was seated in front of her Fliss held her tightly, one arm around her waist, the other in the reins and told Mary to hang on. She set off slowly at first and then with a grin kicked the horse on into a slow canter, and steered towards the sea.

“Shit…” Frank muttered, his heart in his mouth as the both cantered through the waves, the spray kicking up behind them. He could hear Mary’s shouting and laughing as it echoed up the beach. They went a little distance away before Fliss slowed down to a walk, Heidi continuing along her path steadily.

“So, I hear school wasn’t great?” Fliss said as they turned and made their way back at a slower pace.

“No.” Mary shrugged “Frank got mad.”

“Did you apologise?”

“Yeah…its ok now.” Mary shrugged “I just didn’t like it. And I don’t think they liked me.” Fliss took a deep breath. “I’ll tell you a secret, when I first started riding, the other kids didn’t like me either.” “Really?” Mary turned to face her as they wandered back, gently swaying with the horses motions.

“Nope, I came from a different back ground to them. We weren’t rich, I mean my mum and dad have money now but we didn’t always.”

“So what happened?” “I kept going.” Fliss said gently “And then I met a friend, a girl called Charlotte. She was the same. Her family sold all their belongings so she could pursue her dream.”

Heidi slowed to a stop by Frank but Fliss continued to talk “And we became good friends, and we worked hard. She did dressage, I did show-jumping. And we both grew up together, and encouraged each other, and we made the teams.”

“Are you still friends now?” “Yeah, I still talk to her now, I don’t see her as much but…” Fliss took a deep breath, the thought of the past still a bit painful. “The point is Mary, if you go in thinking that everyone is against you then believe me, it will seem that way. Maybe you should think about having an open mind and giving this a go, yeah?”

Franks eyes were hidden behind his glasses and at that moment he was kind of glad, because for some reason, there was a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes as he had observed his niece and Fliss together, the woman simply talking to Mary.

Mary pondered for a moment before she sighed “I suppose…”

Fliss smiled “Good, you’ll be glad you did.”

Mary shrugged “Maybe. Hey, you know what ad nauseam means?”

Fliss frowned and looked up as Frank gave a laugh “It means indefinitely, never ending…forever, why?” she looked at Mary. “Oh, something Frank said I’d learn at school but I didn’t.” she shrugged “But now I know, thanks.” “You’re welcome.” Fliss chuckled, as Frank helped her down. She watched her run off to pick up her cat.

“Thank you.” Frank said gently, turning to look up at Fliss.

“What for?”

“Talking to her, the way you always do. I don’t know how you do it Lissy, but you make her listen.”

“Don’t worry too much about her.” Fliss smiled “I know it’s easy for me to say but, well you always said today would be a challenge. See how she goes tomorrow.”

Frank smiled and rubbed at the back of his neck before he took a deep breath, suddenly making a decision. “I err, don’t suppose you wanna come for a drink on Friday? I’m only going to Fergs but…”

“I thought Fridays were your nights, you know where you sat at a bar, alone, all broody and mysterious.” Fliss grinned down at him.

Frank shook his head, a crooked smile spreading on his face “Yeah well, maybe I fancy a bit of company this week.”

Fliss looked at him for a moment, considering what he had said before she smiled “Ok, I got lessons until 6:30 but I can meet you there later on?”

Frank smiled “Great, it’s a date.”

Fliss arched her eyebrow and Frank inwardly cursed “I mean, not a date, but, you know, a…”

“You’re cute when you get flustered.” Fliss teased, cutting him off with a laugh “Don’t worry, Sailor, I know what you mean.”

With that she turned the horse back the way she had come and winking at Frank called to Mary. “Hey, you know when you asked if Heidi could still go really fast?”

Mary nodded.

“Well watch this.”

And with that Fliss gave the horse a gentle nudge and it erupted into a ridiculously fast gallop back down the beach. Fliss’ whoops echoed in the air as she looked back waving, and Mary ran a little way after her laughing and waving back.

****

Fliss was right. The next morning they had a little fuss but nothing drastic. Mary came home with a note about Wednesday being show and tell. Mary wanted to take Fred. So they bundled him into a cardboard box. Frank waited patiently outside until Mary was escorted back out by a classroom assistant to hand the cat back over.

“Enjoy that?” he said.

Mary nodded.

“I was talking to Fred.” Frank teased. Mary narrowed her eyes and he laughed.  “I’ll see you later ok?”

She came home a lot happier, talking to him about how the kids had asked her questions about Fred that she had answered and Frank couldn’t help but smile as she rambled on and on. Later, when he called Fliss he couldn’t stop himself from talking either and Fliss had been led on her bed, smiling at his voice as he continued to gush about his niece. Thursday and Friday passed much the same, which was why when Friday night came Frank was in a reasonably good mood, and ready to buy Fliss all the damned beer she wanted.

Fliss, however, was in a flap. Her lesson had overrun and now she had changed her outfit 3 times, finally settling on a light blue cotton knee length, sleeveless dress and brown sandals, leaving her hair loose and her make up light.  She hadn’t been out with her friends for, well, not since moving here. Sure, she’d been out with her parents and their friends but this felt different. And she was nervous.

“You look nice.” Her dad looked up as she walked into their living room. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah, you sure you don’t mind dropping me?” she looked at him, “I can get a cab?”

“Don’t be daft.” Bill said, picking up his keys.

“Have a nice time, Honey!” her mum called.

Bill could tell Fliss was nervous so he made idle chit chat on the drive down to the main strip of bars and eventually pulled up outside Fergs.

“Just have fun.” he looked at her, squeezing her hand gently “And if you need me, call.”

“Thanks dad.” she smiled, kissing his cheek before she let herself out of the range rover and headed into the bar.

She glanced around for a second, looking for Frank and spotted him at a table talking to a dark haired woman, with a pretty face. She hesitated for a moment, wondering if she really wanted to interrupt and was debating running back out to catch Bill when Frank looked up and saw her. Flashing her that smile that could melt her on the spot he waved her over.

"Thought you were gonna stand me up!" he grinned at her as she took a seat. "Sorry, my last lesson over ran." She answered before she smiled politely at the dark haired woman. "Hi..." "Oh, Fliss this is Bonnie, Mary's teacher." Frank introduced them. "Nice to meet you." Fliss smiled. The woman gave her a smile back and stood up speaking to her as she did so “Well, I think I’ve taken up enough of your time Frank and don’t want to eat into your date." "Oh this isn’t a date..." Fliss protested at the same time Frank shook his head "We're not..." he gestured between himself and Fliss with his hands "Fliss is Mary's riding instructor" "She horse rides?" Bonnie said, an air of surprise in her tone. "The idea was it would hopefully teach her social skills." Frank snorted. "Clearly hasn’t worked.." "Oh don't be so hard on her." Fliss jumped to the girls defence. "She's a good kid." "I bet it’s easier when you're trying to teach them something they actually want to learn, or in Mary's case teaching her something she doesn’t know." Bonnie said and Fliss laughed. "She’s actually one of the easier kids I have." She replied and Frank smiled at her comment "mind you, none of the kids give me any hassle really, it’s the adults that are hard work."

“Oh my god tell me about it.” Bonnie groaned “I dread Teacher-Parent evenings, honestly, some of them are so obtuse.” "I can imagine." Fliss grinned

"Anyway I better..." Bonnie gestured over her shoulder. "See you later Frank, and nice to meet you Fliss" "You too." Fliss nodded to he as Frank waved his hand in goodbye.

“What you drinking cowgirl?” he asked, standing up “I’ll go get em in.”

Fliss asked for a beer and sat down as he went to place their order. A few minutes later he was back, sliding the bud over to her.

“Thanks…” she took a huge drink. “I err, didn’t interrupt anything before did I?"

"No, not really." Frank shook his head "Not really?" "She errr...found out about Diane." Frank said. "Oh." Fliss frowned. "How? I mean..." "When I picked Mary up on Monday she was asking me about her background on account of her being so smart. I tried to fob her off, saying I had taught her a system, you know for arithmetic but she didn’t buy it. Apparently she’s been giving Mary a few more advanced equations to do…”

Fliss looked down as he slid the paper on the table over to him. It contained a number of formulas and algebra problems which Fliss could see Mary had completed.

“As you can see, she aced them. And then Bonnie googled the system I mentioned, and then me and up popped Diane.”

“So did you tell her the truth?” Fliss asked looking up at him, sliding the paper back.

“What option did I have?” He shrugged, folding it and shoving it in his pocket. “She came down here to call me out so I figured honesty was the best…what?" He asked when he noticed Fliss was frowning. "She came down here on a Friday night to find you?" Fliss snorted

Frank shrugged “That’s what she said.”

"How she know you'd be here?" "I'm here most Fridays...not that hard to find." "Maybe you should think about varying your routine, Sailor" Fliss grinned “And you should definitely think about varying this shirt.”

Frank glanced down at his bright yellow palm tree print Hawaiian shirt

“What’s wrong with it?” he pouted.

“What’s right with it more like.”

“Well I’m not one for corporatism.” Frank shrugged “I like to think I’m an individual.”

“Yeah, well I’m not sure planet Earth could deal with two of you.” Fliss shot back. “I can only just about cope with one…”

Frank paused before he looked at her, shaking his head with a snort as his mouth curled up at one corner “Well that’s just fucking rude.”

“Made you smile though.” Fliss grinned at him.

Frank looked at her for a moment before he felt his face split further into a grin as he looked at her. “Yeah, yeah you do…I mean did.”

He saw her cheeks flush in that adorable way they did, and he decided to save her from further embarrassment by changing the subject. It wasn’t long before they settled into an easy conversation and the events of the previous week and all worries about Mary flew completely from Frank’s mind.

**** Chapter 6

[alitaimagines]

“so tell me that you love me, yeah, and tell me that I take your breath away. maybe if you take one more then, I would know for sure. there's nothing left to say, tell me that you love me anyway.”

keigo takami / Hawks - MY HERO ACADEMIA 

note: so the consensus was Hawks according to DMs! the dabi/bakugou imagine should be up tomorrow!

“Edgeshot, oh my God!” you exclaimed bursting out in laughter, “stop, I’m going to pee my pants!” you continued. 

you and Edgeshot had just walked out of the heroes meeting and you plus a few others decided to catch lunch at a restaurant a few doors down. the only two missing were the top two heroes and honestly, you weren’t surprised. 

Hawks and Endeavor ever being seen around other pro heroes for such a copious amount of time was odd. Hawks might’ve been a little more predictable but Endeavor was not interested in any of that. 

during the time, you and Edgeshot more or less became friends. the very secretive ninja hero and yourself tended to sit together at meetings and lunches so it wasn’t really surprising if the two of you were seen together.

that really didn’t sit well with Hawks. 

you had been seeing Hawks for a few months now. it wasn’t really official or anything but between the two of you, there had been very tip top secret meetings. both of you knew each others real names and even spent a few nights together.

being that Hawks was number two and Edgeshot was at number four, he knew about him very well. 

however, during meetings or professional lunches, Hawks was always dragged in seven different directions and hardly got time to spend time with you. your time with Edgeshot didn’t go unnoticed by the winged hero. 

he seen how close you and Edgeshot were and frankly, he hated it. he knew Edgeshot kept his personal life very private and you being the charming girl you are, he didn’t understand why it had to be YOU that was so close with him. why couldn’t it be Mirko or someone else? 

“Edgeshot! ( your hero name )!” you heard paparazzi say, “can we get a picture?” they asked. 

your eyes rolled before giving Edgeshot a sympathetic look and hesitantly agreeing. the two of you stood up as Edgeshot grabbed you by the waist and the two of you posed for the seemingly innocent photo. 

once they took the photo and scurried away, you sighed, “I fucking hate paparazzi sometimes,” you complained making Miruko laugh, “doesn’t everyone? can’t even have lunch in peace!” she added on. 

-

once you got done with patrol and made your way home, you turned the TV on and dug into your dinner. you had no idea what was playing but once you heard your hero name being brought up, you immediately looked to the television. 

“Edgeshot and ( your hero name), getting close, aren’t they?” one of the gossip reporters said, “it isn’t the first time they’ve been seen out together and although this was a group hero lunch, the chemistry, it’s there!” 

you growled knowing the paparazzi that took the photo must’ve sold the photo to the tabloids. you watched the photo appear on the screen and noticed how the female reporters squealed over it. 

“well her and Mirko are some of the youngest on the top ten charts! it’s obvious they’d have men falling at their feet, especially other heroes.” 

you sunk down in your seat before realizing that Mirko was Facetime calling you. you picked it up and seen her laughing at the screen, “are you watching the twelve o’clock news?” you nodded as she continued laughing hysterically, “holy shit, they think you and Edgeshot are together!” 

you sighed, “I need alcohol to continue watching this,” you murmured as you walked into your kitchen, “but to the photographers credit, you and Edgeshot really look like a couple!” you immediately shushed her knowing that she was still at her the agency. 

Mirko for a quick moment panned to the television and you saw that Hawks was watching it intensely, “it seems that Hawks is even interested! what do you think bird? wouldn’t they look cute together?” she shouted. 

Hawks screamed at her to be quiet as she giggled, “clearly her doesn’t think that but seriously, this is funny as fuck! I just wanted to inform you! I’ll see you on Thursday!” she exclaimed before hanging up. 

Hawks had messaged you earlier in the day that he was going to come up and visit you for the night but seeing that he was watching the news, he knew about the rumors now surrounding you and Edgeshot so you had no clue if he was or not now. 

you put your plate into the sink before going to your room to take off the makeup you had on. your house remained silent for a few minutes before you heard rustling outside of the balcony of your house. 

“hey,” you heard a gruff voice say behind you. you turned to see Hawks at the front of the door, “hey Keigo,” you whispered as you tried to wipe the mascara off your eyes. 

he made his way in before slamming the door, “I heard the news today,” he muttered as he leaned back against your desk chair, “I think all of the city has. anyone can take it how they want,” you said as he hummed. 

the room went quiet before he cleared his throat, “you and Edgeshot look friendly is all,” he inquired as you scoffed, “we’re just friends, you know how Kamihara is. he takes his personal life to the grave,” you responded as he hummed. 

“full name basis, huh?” he responded as you finally put the makeup wipe down, “yeah, we are. we’re on first name basis, aren’t we?” you retorted as you walked towards him. 

he sighed as he put his head on your shoulder, “but I’m different. I’ve seen more to you than Edgeshot ever has,” he ran his fingers down your arm as you agreed, “true but Edgeshot as far as I know, he thinks of me as just a friend.”

Keigo growled as he started nibbling on your ear, “than I guess that puts me at a higher position, doesn’t it?” he whispered as you hummed, “does it? we haven’t exactly gotten public and you’re making no effort to make it public. if Edgeshot does ask me out in the future, I truthfully can’t tell you I’d say no.” 

Keigo looked at you in surprise, “what are you implying then?” he stated as you stood up from his lap, “I’m tired of hiding, that’s what I’m implying. I’m tired of hiding the relationship. I understand the repercussions but who gives a fuck? I don’t but you clearly you do. I’m beginning to think that us hiding around isn’t about the villains but more of the fact that you might lose your fangirls over it.” 

his eyes widened at the accusations, “that’s the story you’re using to justify the situation with Edgeshot?” he asked as you nodded, “I’ve wanted to go public for a long time Keigo and if you’re willing to work with me and make it public than fine but if you’re wanting to continue this game of hiding, you can walk out of my house,” you lectured. 

the two of you remained looking at each other before he stood up from the chair. he walked to the balcony and gave you one final look before flying away. 

you sighed as you felt a single stray tear fall from your face. you knew this conversation had to come eventually but his decision hurt your heart. the fact that he was more willing to keep up his public appearance than to actually make the relationship public broke a piece of your heart but it was Keigo you were talking about.

he cared more about himself than anyone else.

-

you were off the following day and if you were being truthful, you were glad. 

your mind remained on Keigo the entire night and you were honestly ready to tell him off once more but you decided against it and left your phone on the stand as you got up to make your coffee and get back to bed. 

after you brushed your teeth and made your coffee, you went back to bed and turned the television on. you were behind on a few episodes of your favorite show and decided to kill them all today. 

before you could even turn Hulu on, your tv had the news channel on and heard your hero name again. you sighed and waited to see what new rumor they were planning on having on you. 

once they got to the gossip portion of the news, your name was the first thing that came up. 

“all the rumors around number four hero Edgeshot and number six hero ( your name ) were false. this morning on the official Instagram of the number two hero, Hawks, he decided to make their relationship public.”

your eyes widened as you yanked your phone from the charger and logged onto his Instagram. true to their word, Hawks had made a public post announcing your relationship.  

it was a picture of the two of you in your hero uniforms and giving each other a peck. you knew which day this was but you had no idea he even had this photo of the both of you. 

“ignore the rumors, this one is mine.” 

you read the caption for what felt like a million times before you seen that Mirko was calling you for the hundredth time. you finally picked up the phone to hear here screaming. 

“YOU AND FUCKING BIRD BOY? SINCE WENT?” 

you gave off a nervous giggle before explaining the entire situation to her. by the time you finished with the story, she was left in shock as you noticed your now publicized boyfriend standing on your balcony.

you told her a quick goodbye before walking over to the balcony doors and unlocking them. he gave you a nervous look as you sighed. 

“seriously Keigo? all that shit last night for you to decided to make it public this morning?” you asked as he chuckled before bringing you into an embrace, “don’t worry, your manager made it public for you too.” 

you gave him a look of confusion as you checked your own account. your manager had posted the same photo to your own Insta and he laughed at your reaction. 

“God, sometimes I wonder why I love you,” you confessed as he kissed the top of your head, “because you do. now, I skipped a day of patrol for today so you owe me cuddles.” 

you sighed as you brought him over to your bed and laid his head on your chest, “shut up and fall asleep. who knows the last time you’ve gotten a decent sleep,” you mentioned as he chuckled. 

you placed a kiss on his head this time as you started to play one of the shows you were watching. 

ALITA

[petrichoravellichor]

Rebar Not Included

Written for Day 11 of the Supernatural Deserved Better Creative Challenge (prompt: hunting).

Summary: Jody and Donna help out the Winchesters by looking into an Ohio case involving masked vampires, and what do you know: not only do they manage to kill a certain side character from season 1 but they ALSO make it through without dying! Oh, and they kiss, just because they can.

(Read on Ao3)

********************

Jody was just settling down with a book for the evening when her phone rang; she smiled at the name flashing across her screen and swiped left to accept the call. “Hey, Sam.”

“Jody, hi. How are you?”

“Alone, believe it or not. Alex is working the night shift, Claire and Kaia are still on that case down in Miami, and Patience is staying over at a friend’s. Got the whole house to myself.”

Sam chuckled. “That...honestly sounds kind of amazing right about now.”

“How’s Cas? Is he feeling any better?” she asked. It had been nearly a week since Sam and Dean had returned from the Empty with one bedraggled former angel in tow. Jody hadn’t pressed too hard for details at the time—Sam had sounded pretty exhausted when he’d called to tell her they’d made it back safely—but from what she’d gathered, Cas was human now, and his time in the Empty had left him very much in need of recuperation.

On the other end of the line, Sam groaned. “Uh...yeah, you could say that.” A beat, then: “He and Dean haven’t come out of Dean’s room since yesterday afternoon.”

Jody had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. "Huh. Well, how do you like that: they finally figured it out.”

Sam sighed. “Yeah. Don’t get me wrong; I’m really happy for them. I just wish the Men of Letters had invested in sound-proof walls. But anyway,” he said, changing tracks, “that’s not what I called you about.”

“What’s up?”

“So get this: last night, a family of four in Akron, Ohio, got attacked home-invasion style. Whatever it was killed the dad and drained his blood.”

Jody frowned. “Vampires?”

“I think so, but there’s more. I called and spoke with the police sergeant, and according to her, the attackers left the mom alive but ripped out her tongue, and they also took the two kids.”

Jody’s blood ran cold; she glanced at the photo of Alex, beaming and holding up her nursing degree, over on the mantle. “They’re taking blood slaves.”

“Yeah, looks like it.” Sam paused, then: “The thing is, I don’t think this the first time they’ve done it. Back in ’86, our dad was looking into a string of kidnappings along Route 77, and it was the same thing: whatever it was took the kids and ripped the tongues out of any adult it didn’t drain. By the time Dad started digging around, though, the attacks stopped. Until now, anyway. Here, just a sec, I’m gonna text you something...”

A moment later, Jody’s phone chimed. She put Sam on speaker and tapped to open the message; it was a drawing of what resembled the front part of a skull. “What am I looking at?”

“The mom drew that, the one from the most recent attack; apparently, the perpetrators wore masks. Hang on, I’m sending you another picture. This one’s from our dad’s journal, back when he was working the case in the 80s.”

The second picture loaded, and Jody drew in a sharp breath: the resemblance between the two drawings was unmistakable. “It’s the same nest.”

“That’s what I’m guessing. They seem to always target the same type of home: outside town, isolated, kids between the ages of five and ten. If the pattern from last time holds, they’ll hit Canton next, then East Sparta.”

Jody swallowed. “You want me to look into it.”

“If you’re able to, yeah, that would be great. We’d go ourselves, but what with Cas still recovering and him and Dean...um…” Sam cleared his throat, then continued more smoothly, “I can call someone else if now’s not a good time.”

Jody chewed her lip for a moment, then shook her head. This felt personal. “No,” she replied, pushing herself off the couch and heading to pack a bag, “I’ll take care of it. Let me grab a few hours of sleep, and then I’ll head out.”

“Great, thank you. I’ll dig around online and text you a shortlist of properties around Canton that seem like likely targets.”

“Sounds good; thanks, Sam. Take care.” She smirked, adding, “And tell Dean and Cas I said hello. Whenever you see them, that is.”

Sam snorted. “Will do. Be safe, okay?”

“Always.” She ended the call, then typed out a quick message to Donna: Hey babe. Feel like teaming up to take down some vamps?

********************

The following night, she and Donna were crouched in the shadows near an abandoned barn in Ohio. Sam’s intel about where the nest would hit next had proven accurate, and by the time a black van carrying two masked vampires had pulled up in front of a rural home outside Canton, Jody and Donna were waiting. They dispatched both vampires easily, sparing one just long enough to learn the location of the group’s nest; now, the only thing left to do was clear out the remaining vamps and free the children who’d been taken captive.

“Okie dokie,” Donna whispered, “our toothy friend back there said they keep the kiddos in a room off to one side. We go in through the side door, then you take right, I take left?”

Jody nodded. “Works for me. Come on,” she said, drawing her machete, “let’s go save some kids.”

They crept over to the barn and entered.

At first glance, the place seemed deserted. They fanned out along the walls, searching carefully for any sign of life, but other than the occasional spiderweb, there was nothing. Then, as Jody neared the back of the barn, she heard it: a quiet sniffling sound coming from behind a latched door. She raised her hand and signaled to Donna, who nodded and hurried over; then, while Donna watched her back, Jody opened the door and saw two small, scared-looking little boys peering back at her. The younger one couldn’t have been much older than her own son, Owen, had been when he’d died, and the realization made Jody’s stomach clench.

She lowered her machete and crouched down to the boys’ level. “Hey,” she whispered soothingly, “hey, it’s okay. You can come out; you're safe. We’re not going to hurt you.”

No sooner had she ushered the two boys to her side, however, than she heard Donna’s warning: “Heads up, Jodes; we got company!”

Five figures were approaching slowly from the front of the barn, all armed with blades. Four of them, the two on either side of the central figure, wore masks similar to the drawings Jody had seen in Sam’s text messages. The fifth, however, was a maskless female vampire dressed in dark leather. As the group drew closer, she looked from Jody to Donna and back again with a scowl.

“You’re not the Winchesters,” she said, as though someone were playing a trick on her.

Donna flashed a grim smile. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“Boys,” Jody said, low and urgent over her shoulder, “run.” She heard their frantic footfalls, followed by the slam of the side door. Good, she thought, hefting her machete as the vampires charged: she didn’t want them to see what happened next.

The first vampire lost its head the second it stepped in their space. Jody spun and slashed, Donna at her back, the clash of blades shattering the still air of the night. It was brutal work, bloody work, and Jody took no pleasure in it. Her only objective was to protect: the boys they’d freed, Donna, Sam and Dean. She had no idea what the vampires wanted with the Winchesters, and she didn’t care: whatever it was, she’d make sure they didn’t get it.

Jody had just relieved a second vampire of its head when something flashed on the edge of her vision; she pivoted, raising her weapon just in time. The female vampire’s blade crashed into her machete and sent a shockwave of pain up her arm, nearly causing her to cry out. There was no time for that, though: the vampire swung at her again and again, driving her back from the rest of the fight before rushing forward, barreling into Jody with the force of a tank.

Jody fell hard to the floor. Her machete flew from her hand, and she could only watch as a triumphant smile split her opponent’s face. The vampire raised her blade to deliver a final blow…and then her head flew off in a spray of red. Her body crumpled to the ground, revealing Donna, blood splattered and furious, machete still hovering at the end of its arc.

“Not my girlfriend, you bitch,” she panted, glowering down at the corpse as though sight alone could set it ablaze; then her gaze shifted to Jody, and all the rage seemed to drain out of her at once. “You okay, Jodes?”

Jody exhaled, nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” She peered past Donna, counting the bodies on the ground and sighing in relief when the total came to five. Donna reached out a hand, and Jody took it, allowing Donna to pull her up and into an embrace. They kissed then, slow, reverent, and it was several moments before Jody could bring herself to pull away.

“Come on,” she said quietly, brushing back a strand of Donna’s hair. “We should go find those boys, make sure they get home safely.”

Donna nodded, and they drew apart, then left the barn without looking back.