#(theoretically the story would be fine but it's not that well written)

[thewadapan]

So why did Transformers One bomb?

Look, I'm just going to say it right off the bat: no, Transformers One is not the best Transformers movie of all time. I am (gritting my teeth) very happy for every single Transformers fan except me, who all seem to have liked it, and most of whom seem to have loved it. I agree that, as a production, it meets some baseline level of technical competence. It's a perfectly fine movie.

It's also the worst-performing Transformers movie Paramount has ever made.

Hopefully, now that its theatrical run has unceremoniously ended, people aren't going to try to rip me to shreds for theoretically threatening this multi-million-dollar film's box office revenue some miniscule amount by sharing a few teensy weensy complaints with my fifty followers.

Because I do just have a few little nitpicks, which I've tried my best to communicate, over the next 17,000 words of this post.

If you're not a Transformers fan, sorry, this essay is mostly written with the assumption that you've seen Transformers One. However, it might still be of some interest as a window into the current state of the franchise. I've written a basic plot summary of the movie to bring you up to speed, in that case. Because Transformers One purports to be the perfect introduction to the story, no homework needed, I've also done you the courtesy of elucidating background context as needed—think of this less as a review, and more as a history lesson, or maybe a "lore explained" YouTube video. After all, that's pretty much all that Transformers One is.

(And if farcically long posts aren't really your thing, you might prefer to listen to the special episode of Our Worlds are in Danger where my pals and I chatted about the film. Many of the hottest takes and silliest bits in this essay are shamelessly stolen from Jo and Umar.)

We've been waiting for Transformers One for a very long time. It's the first animated Transformers film to get a theatrical release since The Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986. It first entered development around a decade ago. Many fandom members I know online got to see it as far back as June. Its US premiere was in September; those of us in the UK had to wait a full extra month before seeing it, for no clear reason. This is a film which purports to show, in broad strokes, for the first time on the big screen, the origin of the Transformers: where they come from, who they are, and why they're fighting.

By the end of its runtime, Transformers One does not actually answer these questions. Don't get me wrong, it takes great pains trying to answer a lot of different, related questions—just ones which nobody was really asking in the first place: What does the word "Autobots" mean, if not "automobile robots"? What does the word "Decepticons" mean, if they're not actually deceitful? Why is he called "Optimus Prime"? Why is he called "Megatron"? If they were friends, why did they fall out? Why does Starscream sound Like That? Where does Energon come from? If "Prime" is a title, what were the other Primes like? How do Transformers transform?

Writer Eric Pearson, coming onto the project as an outsider to Transformers, describes having to go to Hasbro to ask these kinds of questions:

they had a script that outlined the story that they wanted to tell. I knew Optimus Prime and Megatron and I knew Bumblebee as well, or B. I had to ask about some of the other deeper ones, the mythology, “what exactly is the Matrix of Leadership?” Stuff like that.

See, Hasbro does in fact have the answers written down somewhere. The story as I understand it goes something like this. During the wild west of the '80s and '90s, Transformers "canon" was largely a by-the-seat-of-your-pants consensus-based affair between the freelance writers and copywriters the toy company would bring on to advertise their toys. That changed around the turn of the millennium, when late later-CEO Brian Goldner saw how Hasbro's licensed IP lines (such as Star Wars) were more financially successful and realised they could make more money by aggressively promoting their own in-house IP, which they didn't have to pay licensing fees for. (For the curious, a similar thought process at rival toy company Lego was what led to their creation of BIONICLE.)

The guy basically singlehandedly managing the Transformers brand at the time, Aaron Archer, eventually set to reconciling all the self-contradictory lore surrounding Transformers, an endeavour which dovetailed into the creation of the HasLab internal think-tank (best known for Battleship, the 2012 store-brand Michael Bay knockoff which was a failure critically and commercially but not in my heart) and ultimately the creation of the so-called "Binder of Revelation", an internal story bible which cost over $250,000 to produce and has strongly influenced nigh on every piece of Transformers media released since, but which we hadn't actually seen until it got leaked a week ago. As it turns out, the document itself (compiled mostly by marketers and toy designers) is patently useless to any writer: it's a typo-ridden internally-inconsistent wishy-washy mess that mostly describes the characters in terms of a made-up form of Transformers astrology that has otherwise never seen the light of day.

So although the Binder is the baseline story bible for most modern Transformers media, its influence isn't direct per se; it's more accurate to describe it as being an elaborate game of telephone between high-profile cartoons, comics, and other internal documents, with the Binder itself apparently just sitting in a drawer somewhere at Hasbro; Eric Pearson says that he never received a "binder", with the "script" he mentions either being the earlier draft from Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari (the guys who originally pitched the story), or some other unseen internal document. Director Josh Cooley, however, definitely seems to have been physically handed the Binder or its mass-market adaptation:

I knew that there was a lot of origin to be told, and when I first started, [Hasbro] gave me the Transformers Bible. I could not believe how big it was. I was like, "This is way more than I ever anticipated."

When trailers first dropped for Transformers One, a lot of my friends who are savvy were immediately like: "Oh, this is a weirdly faithful adaptation of the Binder of Revelation, huh."

I. The One True Origin of the Transformers

Half of the people reading this are Transformers fans, and half of you literally could not give less of a shit about Transformers, so if you're in the 'former group (so to speak), you'll just have to bear with me while I bring the rest of us up to speed.

Before the Transformers' civil war begins, Cybertron is being oppressed by the Quintessons. The Quintessons are a race of five-faced aliens (as in, not Transformers), who execute everyone they come across, first introduced in The Transformers: The Movie, presiding over a kangaroo court on a castaway world. In the followup cartoon five-parter "Five Faces of Darkness", writer Flint Dille established that, gasp, they were actually the original creators of the Transformers! But basically nobody else at the time was particularly compelled by this idea, it seems, with most fans preferring the more mythological origin story conceived by Bri'ish writer Simon Furman for the Marvel comics. I think people kind of just didn't like to think of the Transformers as being robots—mass-produced, a fabrication, programmed—as opposed to an alien race of thinking, feeling beings like us. But because the cartoon was important to many kids, a lot of early-2000s media tried to reconcile the cartoon and comic origin stories by stating that the Quintessons didn't actually create the Transformers; rather, they simply colonised the planet early in its history and pretended to be the Transformers' creators, until the truth came out and they got kicked offworld. This is how the Binder of Revelation ultimately paid lip service to the Quintessons. In Transformers One, the Quintessons are just sort of here, they're these evil aliens secretly skimming Energon from its miners, they don't speak English (or whichever language the film was dubbed into in your market region), they're just these nasty societal parasites.

Energon is Transformers fuel. In the original cartoon, it was these glowing pink cubes the Decepticons were always trying to produce using harebrained Saturday-morning-cartoon energy-stealing devices. There was a Cold War going on, America had just been through an "energy crisis", maybe you're old enough to remember any of that. Transformers are these big, complicated machines, so I guess the idea is they need this hyper-compressed superfuel to run off, and their homeworld has run out. By the time of the Binder of Revelation, the concept had been telephoned to the point where Energon is like the lifeblood of Primus or some shit.

Primus is the Transformers God—but not the kind of God you have "faith" in, rather this actual guy whose existence is objectively known in various ways. He transforms into a planet, that's kind of cool, right? Where does Primus come from? Look, it doesn't matter, he's like, the God of Creation, he was there at the start of time. He created all of the Transformers. All the other species in the galaxy, though, they evolved naturally thanks to "science". Actually wait, didn't that Quintus Prime guy go around the universe seeding all the planets with different kinds of Cybertronian life? That's why they're called Quintessons. See, now you know. Who's Quintus Prime?

Okay, so the Thirteen Original Transformers, or the Primes, are the thirteen original Transformers created by Primus. Most of them correspond to different kinds of Transformer: Nexus Prime is the god of Transformers who can combine, Onyx Prime is the god of Transformers who turn into animals, Micronus Prime is the god of Transformers who are small, and Solus Prime is the god of Transformers who are women. You might remember the Primes from Revenge of the Fallen, although there were only seven of them there for whatever reason.

Honestly, The Fallen was the only one who mattered for a long time. The whole reason there's thirteen of them is because thirteen is kind of an unlucky number, right? Twelve would've been fine. But throw in a thirteenth guy, and he betrays everyone, he's this fucked up evil guy. In the Binder of Revelation, though, the Thirteenth Prime is his own special guy shrouded in mystery, because they kind of liked the idea that Optimus Prime would secretly turn out to have been the Thirteenth Prime all along, and he just forgot or something, because that means he has the divine right of Primes. In IDW's 2010s comic-book reboot, the Thirteenth Prime was called "The Arisen"—in reference to that one line in The Transformers: The Movie, "Arise, Rodimus Prime!" (this margin is too narrow to explain who Rodimus Prime is). Towards the end of his run, writer John Barber did some actually interesting stuff with the concept, playing with the ambiguity over whether-or-not Optimus Prime was actually the chosen one.

All of Optimus Prime's immediate predecessors as Autobot leaders, Sentinel Prime, Zeta Prime, the lineage seen in "Five Faces of Darkness"... they're all false Primes. They're Primes in name only. In fact, IDW had a whole procession of these cartoonishly evil dictators thanks to a few continuity errors leading to the addition of a couple of extra narratively-redundant fuckers. Transformers One tries to simplify it slightly by just saying that Zeta Prime was one of the Primes for real—occupying that thirteenth "free space"—and it was just Sentinel Prime who was only a normal Transformer pretending to be a Prime, then Optimus Prime who's a real boy.

But if he's not a Prime from the start, Optimus Prime needs another name in the meantime. In the '80s cartoon episode "War Dawn", before he was called Optimus Prime, he was called "Orion Pax". Have you noticed that Optimus Prime is kind of an odd-one-out amongst all the straightup-English-word names like "Bumblebee" and "Ratchet" and "Jazz"? That's because his name was one of a tiny handful from very early in the franchise's development, before writer Bob Budiansky came onboard and came up with identities for the vast majority of the toys. Practically everyone Bob Budiansky named is called like, "Bolts" or some shit, long before the characters even know of Earth, which has always just been a contrivance of the setting you're not supposed to think about.

Presumably to create a parallel with Orion Pax's transformation into Optimus Prime, someone at Hasbro in the 2010s came up with a new name for the bot who would become Megatron: "D-16". In real-world terms, this was nothing more than a dorky reference to the Megatron toy's original Japanese release being number 16 in the line ("D" stands for "Destron", which is what they call Decepticons in Japan). But in-universe, the name "D-16" was drawn from the sector of the mine where he worked. I don't get the impression it was originally intended to be part of a broader pattern.

Which is why I'm baffled as to what the hell the reasoning was behind Bumblebee's pre-Earth name, "B-127". There's this bizarre situation in the Bumblebee film, where the name "B-127" first cropped up, where literally every other bot gets a normal cool name with personality like "Cliffjumper" or "Dropkick" except for Bumblebee, who is stuck with this clunky sci-fi name until he makes friends with a human teenager on Earth and she gives him the name Bumblebee. I guess I don't find it confusing that the writers would (correctly) realise it's a bit weird for Bumblebee to be called Bumblebee on an alien planet where bumblebees don't exist. What I find confusing is that they didn't extend that logic to any other character.

So despite everything else in the franchise's direction pointing away from "robot" and towards "alien", Transformers One ends up with this ridiculous situation where two of the most important guys are, for practically the whole movie, simply referred to as "Dee" and "Bee", I guess because the writers correctly realised the numbers sound fucking stupid.

And if you squint, "Elita-1" sorta fits this naming scheme. But the great irony of it is that the very same cartoon episode which coined "Orion Pax" simultaneously established that Elita-1 also used to go by a different name: "Ariel"! Like the Little Mermaid. Y'know, because an "aerial" is a type of electrical component- oh, forget it.

By the time the script made it into Eric Pearson's hands, it's obvious that he simply was not thinking about it that deeply. He describes the genesis of a scene where Bumblebee introduces his imaginary friends, "A-atron, EP 5-0-8, and Steve." A-atron was impov'd by Keegan-Michael Key as a reference to one of his own skits on Key & Peele. Steve ("He's foreign.") was literally just because Pearson thought it would be funny. It's true that Steve is an inherently funny name, and I guess if you're struggling to come up with jokes of your own, it can be handy to fall back on something which is inherently funny.

And again, our silly answers to these silly questions beget yet more questions. If he started out as "D-16", then where did the name "Megatron" come from? And if all the Primes have epic made-up fantasy names, then surely that one guy can't just be called "The Fallen", right? That's not a name, that's an epithet. Unfortunately, someone at Hasbro had the bright idea to answer both these questions at once: The Fallen's real name was "Megatronus". Later, for consistency, they threw on the title, and we get "Megatronus Prime", which sounds like what a thirteen-year-old on deviantART in 2014 would call their Steven Universe fusion of Megatron and Optimus Prime. So you see, Megatron actually named himself after Megatronus Prime, famously the most evil of the Primes. In Transformers One, this is changed slightly so Megatronus is merely the strongest of the Primes, as part of its overall effort to make Megatron not look completely insane.

Which, it must be said, is a tall order. Better stories have tried and failed. Back in 2007, Scottish writer Eric Holmes came up with Megatron Origin, a perfectly-fine comic miniseries which drew heavily from the miners' strikes that took place in the UK from 1984-1985, coinciding with the inception of the Transformers franchise. In that comic, Megatron is a lowly miner who, through a series of chance events, winds up at the head of a dangerous political revolutionary movement.

For some reason—I guess because nobody had ever tried to make Megatron anything other than a bloodthirsty cackling madman before—this take on Megatron as a guy who rose up against a corrupt system became the defining interpretation of the character, copy/pasted pretty much wholesale into the Binder of Revelation. Orion Pax also opposes the system, and bonds with Megatron over it, but they disagree on how to fix it: Pax believes in peaceful reform, Megatron just loves to kill. In Transformers One, the problem everyone has with Megatron is basically "whoa, this guy's a little TOO angry!" and there's a point towards the end of the film where Megatron suddenly starts jonesing to kill literally anyone who stands in his way, because he's irrationally angry.

The core problem here—and it's kind of the Magneto problem, the Killmonger problem, whatever better-known example you care to insert here—is that these guys all fundamentally exist just to be a big villain who loves to kill people and who ultimately gets defeated, but the kids who grew up on this stuff in the '80s are now adults who are no longer satisfied with cardboard cutout villains. People like a complex villain, they like a villain who has a point. They like to root for both sides. And in fact, it's easier to sell more toys to people who are rooting for both sides, if your villain is just another kind of hero. But you don't really need to take the same effort with the good guys: they're good by design, righteous by nature. They don't need to stand for something, they just need to stand against the guy whose whole thing is that he loves to kill people.

But again, we're starting from a place where the evil faction—who half the planet will ultimately align themselves with—are literally called "Decepticons". It's a name you'd only ever call yourself ironically, maybe reclaiming it from your enemies. In this film, there's some tortured logic that implies they're called Decepticons because they were deceived by Sentinel Prime. Like if you met a gang of guys who call themselves "The Robbers", but it turns out to be because they got robbed one time, and they actually have zero intention of stealing from anyone.

The Autobots are easier, of course. "Auto" is a prefix that just means, like, the self, or whatever. And the most agreeably American ideal of all is selfishness the power of the individual, the freedom to seize one's own destiny. Prime's original '80s motto, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," is bastardised in Transformers One into the slightly less rolls-out-off-the-tongue "Freedom and autonomy are the rights of all sentient beings," because (I can only assume) they forgot to work the word "autonomy" earlier into the script. If they ever greenlit Transformers Three, I suppose the motto would have ended up as something like "Freedom, autonomy, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope are the rights of all sentient beings." Even though bodily autonomy is one of the most salient motifs present in the film—all but referred to by name—I suppose the filmmakers were worried that you might think, when Prime says "freedom", that he actually means something completely different. So now you see! "Autobots" is actually the descriptive name of a political movement which believes in obviously good things. Like "Moms for Liberty".

Okay, so the cannier among you have probably spotted the mean rhetorical trick I'm pulling with this encyclopedia-entry-ass introduction. By sarcastically relitigating all the storytelling choices I dislike from the last 20 years of Transformers lore, I can build up a negative association with Transformers One without even reviewing the movie itself! On a subtextual level, I'm deliberately misattributing these bad ideas to the filmmakers, conveniently ignoring the mountains of evidence to suggest that they were just trying to make the best of whatever Hasbro handed them from on high. If anything—you might think—the filmmakers deserve even more credit, for spinning this shite into something even remotely good on the big screen.

Like, you'd be wrong, but I can see why you might think that.

II. The Spider-Verse of Transformers

Okay, I can see that I've spat in your soup. I'm sorry. There are lots of good bits in Transformers One. I can even think of one or two of them off the top of my head, without really racking my brains.

Maybe halfway through the film, there is one specific moment where the story suddenly promises to get good. You can pinpoint it down to the word, down to the frame even. Our heroes have just discovered that their planet's leader, Sentinel Prime, is a complete fraud who's been secretly exploiting them ever since they were born—and worse, castrated them by removing their transformation cogs. They are all very cross about this. Orion Pax expresses that he wants to come up with a plan to expose Sentinel Prime. Megatron is too angry to listen. Orion Pax asks, "Don't you want to stop him?" And Megatron replies, "No, I want to KILL him!" And there's like, a little tint of red creeping into the glow of his eyes.

Whoa. Chills. Up to this point in the film, Megatron has been kind of surly at times, but he's otherwise a generic kids' movie protagonist. He's often chipper. He makes quips. He has this banter with Orion Pax where he's always complaining. It's literally that one "Optimist Prime"/"Negatron" comic, committed to film. Like I'm not even being facetious, one of the film's few obligatory "emotional moments" has Elita-1 sit Orion Pax down and say, "You know what I love about you? You always see the bright side. Like you're some kind of OPTIMIST or something." And then later completely unrelatedly God gives him the mandate of heaven and says "ARISE, OPTIMUS PRIME!" Y'see, as originally conceived, "Optimus" is the word "Optimum" if it was a name, which is why people sometimes localise his name as "Best #1". But it's genuinely kind of cute to reverse-engineer the etymology as coming from "optimist", I guess. Like, it's stupid, but it's cute.

Argh, I got distracted with naming minutia again! Entirely my bad. That's the last time, I promise. Where was I? Right, we'd just found out that Megatron is kind of scary. Brian Tyree Henry's line delivery as he growls "KILL" is his crowning achievement in this film.

Where Optimus Prime's character arc in this movie sees him change from a funny, rebellious spirit to a complete personality vacuum, Megatron's character arc is kind of the opposite. When we're first introduced to him, it's weirdly hard to get a handle on who he is. He's a fanboy for Megatronus, the strongest and most morally-unremarkable of the Primes. He looks up to Sentinel Prime. He likes sports. He doesn't like breaking the rules. In fact, we get the sense that, were it not for his friendship with Orion Pax, he would be literally indistinguishable from the legion of silent crowd-filling background characters he works with. But the moment he starts to become Megatron, it's like everything starts to click. Gears catch, where once they ground and idled. There is something in this guy that was made to fight, made to kill, made to rule. It's sick.

And the underlying tension in his friendship with Optimus suddenly snaps into focus. Megatron is mad at Sentinel Prime, but Sentinel Prime isn't there, he's somewhere else, far below... and he can't help but turn that anger on the next closest thing to an authority figure he has in his life, which is his peer-pressuring bestie, Orion Pax. There is a part of Megatron that wishes he'd never learned the truth, and he blames Orion Pax for his cursed knowledge, for constantly leading them into predicaments on his stupid flights of fancy. Now that he knows, he can't go back to how he was. He can't stop thinking about it.

I'll be honest, it rules. Obviously it rules. It's complicated and toxic and darker than this movie was marketed to be. In interview, Josh Cooley describes the draft of the script he was presented with when he joined the project as having been far more jokey, light-hearted, glib—and it seems we can credit him for saying "Look, this ain't right, the minute the credits roll these guys are going to be at civil war for millions of years."

So, they started talking about it in — what did you say, 2015? I came on board in 2020, and when I came on board there was the first draft of the script. So I don't think they'd been working on it that entire time, but they'd been thinking about it, for sure. And the script that I read was a little more comical? But it was clear that that wasn't the right tone for this film specifically, because we know there's gonna be a war, civil war on Cybertron, you can't have everybody making jokes and then all of a sudden there's a war. So, um, the stakes were really important for this film. And because our characters at the beginning are a little naive, and just on the younger side, not as experienced, it allowed more freedom for them to be a little looser and have fun really getting to know these characters. But once they realize something's going on and things are getting real, it needs to get real.

Cooley also describes his "in" on the film as being the brotherly relationship between Optimus Prime and Megatron (they're not literally brothers in this film, though they have been in the past), which perhaps explains why Megatron and Optimus Prime get to be characters, instead of just like, guys who are there.

That was always the goal from the beginning and what got me on board. It was this relationship between these two characters that was very human and brotherly. I thought about my relationship with my brother and how I could bring that in. It’s not like we’re enemies, but we grew up together and then went down our different paths, but we’re still brotherly. I became a writer-director and live in a fantasy land, and he became a homicide detective who deals with reality, so we’re two very different mindsets. I have always been fascinated by the idea of two people who come from the same place but end up in different ones. From the very beginning, I was like, ‘That’s something I can relate to.’

Anyway, things I liked, what else. There's that joke at the very start, after the excruciating lore powerpoint, where Orion Pax does a fake-out like he's going to transform, the music briefly swells, and then it just cuts to him legging it down the corridor. In a similar vein, I liked the idea behind the Iacon 5000, where Orion Pax has them run in the race. I felt like the execution of the race left a bit to be desired—the only other participant who matters is Darkwing—but it's still honestly the best big action setpiece in the film. There's also that bit at the end where Megatron and Optimus Prime are both changing into their final forms simultaneously, and it's basically a Homestuck Flash (what would that be, "[S] OPTIMUS PRIME. ARISE."?), so obviously I liked that. Oh, and I really liked the environment design where the planet's landscape is constantly transforming, that's brand-new, someone had an Idea there, and it creates visual interest during the initial Energon-mining scene... even if I wished it had actually paid off in a more meaningful way than "the planet's crust opens as Prime falls to get the Matrix"—like, someone really should've gotten eaten by the planet, that's a cracking Disney death scene and they left it on the table! I also liked getting to see my blorbo, Vector Prime, on the big screen.

I think, as a Transformers fan who's had to sit through a lot of really quite sexist, racist, and plain bad films, you're well within your rights to come out of this one ready to give it a fucking Oscar. You should be ecstatic! It has none of those pesky humans clogging up the frame. It has plenty of robot action. It has jokes which- well I struggle to call many of them "funny", but they're at least trying to be funny in a different way to Michael Bay's films. The film is obviously a massive love letter to... honestly every part of Transformers except the live-action movies. It is an incredibly faithful and earnest adaptation of all the lore and iconography that has randomly accumulated the way it has over the last forty years of bullshit.

My main point of contention, then, is with the overriding sentiment I'm seeing from pretty much everyone else in the fandom: that this is not just the best Transformers movie, but that it's a great animated movie period, that it does for Transformers what Into the Spider-Verse did for Spider-Man, what The Last Wish did for Puss in Boots, and what Mutant Mayhem did for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That, in effect, this film will make you "get it". That it's better-looking, better-written, and more meaningful than a silly toy commercial has any right to be.

I think you can definitely see some loose influence from Spider-Verse in the overall look of the film—particularly in its color grading, and in the design of its main setting, the underground city of Iacon, where the upside-down skyscrapers hanging from the ceiling evoke the iconic "falling upwards" shot from Spider-Verse. Like The Last Wish, it's an animated franchise film that spent much longer than you'd think in development, only for the release of Into the Spider-Verse to have an immediate impact on its visual style... without actually affecting the basic story to the same extent. Both Transformers One and The Last Wish, in many ways, feel like stories concocted using an older formula; in particular, Transformers One bears startling similarities to a similar toy-franchise-prequel, BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, which was released twenty years ago! By contrast, Mutant Mayhem—which had a much shorter development period—is a direct reaction to Spider-Verse in both aesthetic and narrative, and it has a much more distinctive creative direction as a result.

If you look at how all these titles have performed in cinemas, I think you can make a pretty strong case that audiences are perfectly willing to go out and see this kind of flick. A glance at Wikipedia tells me that Mutant Mayhem, The Bad Guys, and The Last Wish grossed double, triple, and quadruple their budgets respectively. In terms of the pre-existing cultural cachet they were banking on, we're talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a children's book series I'd never heard of, and fucking Puss in Boots. You cannot tell me that Transformers, as a brand, is on the same level as any of these properties. Meanwhile, Transformers One hardly broke even, while The Wild Robot—another DreamWorks film based on a children's book I've never heard of, which it ended up competing with in theatres—grosses three times its budget. My friends who've seen The Wild Robot say it made them cry.

Face it: Transformers One has not lit the world on fire. I've seen a lot of people cope with this by suggesting that it's to do with the film's staggered release, or even by claiming that the film's marketing was somehow misleading. I'll be honest, upon seeing it, it did not strike me as being at all dissimilar to the trailers. You can maybe say that the trailers undersold the depth of Orion Pax's and Megatron's relationship—which is its best aspect—but honestly, I think if they'd taken a lot of those scenes out of context and put them in early teasers, audiences would've laughed it out of theatres. Like, c'mon, it's toy robots, stop pretending it's Shakespeare. And otherwise, what you see is what you get; it's exactly what it says on the tin.

I wonder how many Transformers fans, on some level, have noticed that even when we're supposedly "eating good", and watching "peak cinema", our films just aren't as good as everyone else's. They're something you'll enjoy if you're already highly predisposed to enjoy them. But otherwise, they're not turning heads. They're not as funny, or as heartfelt, or as complex, or as exciting, or as charming, or as memorable, or as beautiful as these other films. Unlike with Spider-Verse, there's no word-of-mouth amongst normal people to say that this is a film worth seeing.

What I perceive in studios hoping to recreate the flash-in-the-pan success of Spider-Verse is a misunderstanding of what made people go crazy for that movie in the first place. Yes, it changed our conception of what an 3D-animated film could look like. Yes, the multiverse is very cool and all that. Yes, it had a huge IP attached to it. But on a more fundamental level, that movie has a fantastic story underpinning it. The script is razor-sharp. The story is beautifully complex. The vision of New York City it presents is a living, breathing place, populated by real people. It has the kind of craft to it that can only come from truly obsessive creators cultivating an absolutely miserable professional environment for a legion of passionate animators.

In interview, Transformers producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura actually spoke surprisingly candidly about his view on crunch:

I probably shouldn't answer this question, because I'm not exactly PC on my answer. I think the nature of filmmaking is, we're really lucky to work in a business that's about passion. Passion doesn't fit really well into a timeline, so inevitably you come to a crunch time. It's just true in the live action, it's true in every movie, and authors always tell me that about when they're writing their books — it's the same thing happens to them! There's something about the creative process that's not — it's unruly. So, I think if you're enjoying it, you need to recognize that. Like, you know, I don't wanna abuse anybody, and y'know — if you get into that period where people have to really work too hard, you gotta help them in that situation, then. 'Cause it's gonna come. It does on every movie. I've never seen it not come, no matter how well you plan, et cetera. 'Cause it's not a science what we're doing at all, and there's all these discoveries that happen near the end, which makes you go "oh, let's do some more, come on!". We discovered that on this movie, where we're calling ILM going "we've got a few ideas, you know, do you have enough man-hours?". [...] Like, you gotta be conscious of it — in live-action, for instance, there are some studios that are so cheap that when you're on — sort of medium location-distance and you're shooting 'til midnight, they don't pay for a hotel room. It's like, well, no-no-no, you pay for a hotel room. You protect the people.

According to everyone who worked on Transformers One, everyone who worked on Transformers One was very passionate about it. But there are parts of this film where I think you can say, pretty objectively, that it's falling short of its intended effect. So I guess maybe they weren't that passionate. I'm not saying that to be mean! It's just... isn't that better than the alternative—that this was the best they could do?

III. I did not care for The Godfather

At one point in the film, the gang's magic map leads them to a scary cave, which looks like this:

Bumblebee fills the dead air by saying, "A cave, with teeth. Nothing scary about that!" The joke here is that this is a cave that looks like a mouth. But as depicted, it's a cave that looks like a mouth that doesn't look like a cave! I get that this is an alien planet, but stalactites don't grow that way on Earth, so when you see the cave onscreen, your gut reaction isn't "oh my, what a frightening cave!". No, this is a cave that makes you say, "that's not a cave, that's some kind of alien monster".

(It's not like "cave turns out to be a monster" would in any way be a fresh twist. In BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, there's a bit where a character swims into a scary cave, and it turns out to be the mouth of a massive sea serpent. In The Empire Strikes Back, the Millennium Falcon briefly hides in an asteroid tunnel which turns out to be a giant space worm. So I'm definitely not saying Transformers One would've been a better film if it had used this stock trope.)

Then once the heroes go inside, we're whisked off to an entirely different set of concept artwork, for this lush organic underground paradise. There's no danger there. The cave itself is reduced to a strange little footnote. Maybe it's only in the story because a concept artist drew it before they'd worked out the finer points of the narrative, and Keegan-Michael Key just ended up ad-libbing the "teeth!" line when he was told to vamp for a few seconds. Or maybe the teeth gag was fully written into the script from the start, and the environment artists just interpreted it way too literally.

Like, I'm sorry, I don't mean to start off on the wrong foot here by harping on about the cave thing—it's not a perfect example anyway—but to me it's a microcosm for my frustration towards what I perceive to be a lack of creative vision in this film. So much of the film feels like it's not there to be entertaining, or meaningful, or narratively load-bearing... it's just obligatory, something they threw in for the sake of having anything at all. It's colors and sounds. When you see the spiky shape onscreen, you think, "ooh, this film was pretty bouba earlier, but now it's more kiki!" They get the comedian to improvise a few one-liners while the characters walk from place to place. And it's like, yes, this is a film for children. Of course the heroes have an adventure map with a big red X on it. In many respects this is a glorified episode of Pocoyo, or the modern equivalent, which I guess is "Baby Shark | Animal Songs For Children".

Nowhere is this sense of "we are obliged to put this in the movie" felt more strongly than in its supporting cast. When you look closely, you notice that Bumblebee and Elita-1—placed prominently in the film's marketing and being technically present for much of its runtime—don't actually do anything of narrative significance. They don't make choices that impact the story; they're just there, and it would not take much rewriting to excise them entirely, so it's just Orion Pax and Megatron on their little adventure. In fact, I'll just come out and say it: I think Transformers One would have been a better movie if Bumblebee and Elita-1 were not in it.

It helps that, from a Doylist perspective, the motivations for their inclusion are perfectly transparent. Firstly, think of the merchandise! Secondly, in Bumblebee's case, it's fucking Bumblebee, he's the whole reason half the kids will be watching, you can't not have him in there. Whenever Bumblebee's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking, "where's Bumblebee?" Also, I think the creative team felt that they could use Bumblebee tactically to balance some of the darkness in the story.

In the G1 cartoon, Bumblebee just has the default Autobot personality—good-natured, a little sarcastic—with the dial turned a little more towards friendliness. There's this iconic anecdote from the production that cartoon, where writer David Wise found himself in exactly the same situation Transformers writers are finding themselves in forty years later: he was told to write a story about something called "Vector Sigma", and he had no fucking clue what Vector Sigma was supposed to be. So he asked story editor Bryce Malek, who also had no fucking idea. Malek in turn asked Hasbro, and was told that Vector Sigma was "the computer that gave all the Transformers personalities". Upon hearing this, Malek said, "Well, it didn't do a very good job, did it!" Vector Sigma, in case you missed it, does actually appear in Transformers One, as the polygonal shape that transitions into the Matrix of Leadership in the opening powerpoint; I guess they're one and the same now. Some things never change: in Michael Bay's Transformers movies, there is again just a single default personality that every single Autobot shares, a braggadacious action-hero facade over genuine bloodthirst. Who can forget that iconic moment in Revenge of the Fallen where Bumblebee rips out Ravage's spine in grisly slow-mo?

Aside from the fact that he's small and yellow, Bumblebee in Transformers One bears very little resemblance to any incarnation of the character kids might be accustomed to. Instead, he occupies a stock comic-relief archetype, he's a zany guy who goes "Well, that just happened!" If anything, his one joke in the third act—wanton murder—reads like it could maybe be a reference to his many Mortal Kombat fatalities in Bay's films. Beginning in 2007's Transformers Animated, Bumblebee has sometimes possessed deployable "stingers" that flip out from his hands, as a fun action feature for toys. Clearly someone on Transformers One saw this and thought it was the funniest fucking thing that Bumblebee has "knife hands", because the character spends the third act of the movie just shouting "knife hands!" and cutting people in half like a medieval terror.

(In the UK, Bumblebee's lines were re-recorded at the last minute so he says "sword hands" instead. This is because in the UK, we generally aren't able to kill each other using guns, so it's knives that are the big armed-violence boogeyman. Everyone's always talking about how all the kids have knives. And look, I'm not someone to indulge in moral panic, but genuinely, when I look at Bumblebee chasing around people with knives, saying, "I'm gonna cut these guys, watch!", I'm like... what the fuck were they thinking when they wrote that?)

Frankly, whatever is going on with Bumblebee is just an entirely different movie to everything else that's happening. When Bee shanks his twelfth nameless lackey in a row, the movie's like, awww, you're sweet! But when Megatron tries to kill the one (1) evil dictator who's just fucking branded him, who's still lying to his face while his people continue to die to the guy's fuckin' honor guard, Optimus Prime is like, HELLO, HUMAN RESOURCES?

Bumblebee is solely here to be funny, but there's a point in the film where it needs to become a war story, and the best they can think to do with Bumblebee is to have him kill people but in like, a funny way.

As for Elita-1... look, to put it very bluntly, she is in this movie to be a woman. Transformers has had a long, long forty-year history of boys'-club exclusionism, if not outright misogyny, and each new series usually has a token female character, as a kind of fig-leaf for the fact that really, the only fucking thing Hasbro cares about is that the boys are buying the toys. Beginning in the 1986 movie, it was Arcee who got to be "the pink one" for many years of fiction—but not toys, y'see, when parents want to buy something for their beloved young lad, they don't buy "the pink one", no sir. In the 2010s, wow-cool-OC Windblade took over for a stint as leading lady, decked out in a commercially-non-threatening red color scheme. Recently, though, it's been Elita-1—Optimus Prime's girlfriend from the original '80s cartoon—who's been the go-to female character, and she's increasingly allowed to be pink.

There is a lot of love for these characters amongst creatives and fans alike, and especially in the last decade, female Transformers have been both more numerous and better-written than ever. Unfortunately Transformers One, which depicts Elita-1 as an arms-crossing career-obsessed buzzkill, whose arc sees her learn her place in deference to a less-competent man... well let's just say it struck me as a significant step back in this regard.

There's this great interview with Scarlett Johansson, voice of Elita-1, where she's trying to describe what makes her character interesting, and it's like she's drawing blood from a stone. She's like, "yeah, so Elita-1, I would say, she's on her own journey, because at the start of the film it's sort of like she's working at a big company, you know, and she wants to get a promotion, but then later on she learns that she can't, y'know, get a promotion". Look, it's not that Scarlett Johansson does a bad job—in fact, considering the material she's working with, she practically carries Elita-1 entirely on the back of her performance—it's just that I can't shake the impression that the filmmakers would rather pay Scarlett Johansson god knows how many thousands of dollars than try to think of a second actress that they know of.

As I've already complained, Transformers One has a pretty thin cast, but it effectively only has two other female characters who do anything. Airachnid is a secondary antagonist, Sentinel Prime's spymaster/enforcer, and it's clear that some concept artist really fucking popped off when designing her. She has eyes in the back of her head, and it's ten times creepier than that makes it sound. Her spiderlegs also create some visual interest during fight scenes. As a character, Airachnid has zero internality and is not interesting, but she is cool, so you'll get no complaints from me there.

The film's other other female character is Chromia, who wins the Iacon 5000 race at the last moment. She really comes out of nowhere to clinch it. It's funny, because the leaderboards show this one guy, Mirage, hovering near the top of the rankings for almost the whole sequence. And Chromia's character model really looks suspiciously like Mirage's. In fact, there's a different character who stands around in the background a couple of times who looks much more like Chromia. Funnily enough, that background character is even called Chromia in concept art! So if you connect the dots, it really seems that the "Chromia" who is the best racer on Cybertron was originally meant to be Mirage, a guy, until they switched the character's gender at the very last minute, and didn't bother changing the leaderboards to match.

There are two possible explanations for this. The first is that Mirage was the dark horse of Rise of the Beasts, and for some reason they felt like his depiction in Transformers One would've gotten in the way of their plans for the character somehow. It's plausible, I guess. The second, infinitely funnier option, is that at some point someone working on the movie realised that they only put two women in the film, scrambled to look through the feature to find a suitable character to gender-swap, only to discover to their horror that they'd forgotten to put in any characters whatsoever. Fuck it, the racer guy! He can be a girl. Diversity win, the fastest class traitor on Cybertron... is a woman!

In case you were wondering about the Transformers One toyline leaderboards, by my count, Orion Pax has ten new transforming toys currently announced or in stores, Bumblebee and Megatron have six each, Sentinel Prime has four, Alpha Trion has two, Elita-1 has two, Airachnid has one, Starscream has one, Wheeljack has one, and the Quintesson High Commander has one. In fact, one of Elita-1's toys—the collector-oriented high-quality Studio Series release—isn't scheduled for release until some undetermined point later next year, and she was entirely absent from leaked lists of upcoming releases, which to me smacks of "we realised last-minute that it would look really really bad if we didn't bother to release a good toy of the one woman in the film". Oh, and obviously, Chromia has no toys—but there is an "Iacon Race" three-pack consisting of Megatron, Orion Pax... and Mirage. Go figure.

The thing is, all of the stuff I'm grousing about here is pretty much standard fare for kids' films targeted more at boys. Hell, even The Lego Movie—which is basically the gold standard of toy commercials—gave supporting protagonist Wyldstyle a pretty similar arc to the one Elita-1 gets here, which was probably the weakest element of that film. Evidently conscious of this, Lord & Miller redeemed themselves by devoting the entirety of The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part to deconstructing common narratives surrounding gender roles. I guess I just wish the young girls who presumably comprise some portion of Transformers One theatergoers could actually get anything out of Elita-1 as a character. Ah, what do I know, maybe it's still considered countercultural simply to depict a woman punching people.

Still, to give credit where it's due: Transformers One doesn't remotely touch the gender-essentialism prevalent in the Binder of Revelation, treating female Transformers no differently to their male counterparts in lore terms. Solus Prime is, it seems, just a Prime who happened to be a woman, rather than the mythological Eve after whom all women are patterned. There's a scene where our heroes are gifted the Transformation Cogs of the fallen Primes, and the Primes named thankfully bear no particular relation to the characters; in other words, Elita-1 isn't given Solus Prime's cog. As Alpha Trion puts it: "What defines a Transformer is not the cog in his chest, but the spark that resides in their core." Dude really remembered nonbinary people exist halfway through that sentence huh.

(Actually, the bigger mistake would've been with Megatron: if he was given Megatronus Prime's cog from the start, then this would've created the unfortunate implication that his descent into evil was only the result of Megatronus Prime's fucked up and evil cog, rather than a choice Megatron made of his own free will. The film instead has it the other way around: Megatron's radicalisation into a "might makes right" philosophy is what causes him to covet Megatronus Prime's transformation cog, to steal that power from Sentinel Prime, who stole the cogs of both Megatronus and Megatron in the first place. That's cool! This does create a bit of unfortunate narrative dissonance with Alpha Trion's words, alas, as it does seem like Megatronus Prime's cog really is more powerful than the others, because it gives both Sentinel Prime and Megatron a powerup.)

There's just something that I find so dreadfully mercenary about this movie's cast—honestly, everyone except Orion Pax, Megatron, and maybe Sentinel Prime. Take Darkwing, for example. Bro was clearly designed from the ground up to fill this stock character role of "bully who pushes our guys around and later gets his comeuppance". For a more interesting take on that exact same archetype, look no further than Todd Sureblade from Nimona, a bigoted knight who gets a whole damn character arc in the background, which directly complements that film's main themes.

Again, I'm not playing some kind of guessing game here, the authorial evidence is right there: Darkwing didn't even have a name until Hasbro designer Mark Maher was shown a picture of the character and asked, "If this was a Decepticon flyer, who would it be?" This is actually par for the course with ILM; most of their concept art is labelled with very basic descriptions, with the exact trademarks being picked in conjunction with Hasbro at a later point. Darkwing just stands out in Transformers One because he's the only recurring speaking character who's an OC in all but name (unless you count Bumblebee), he's the one guy who's been invented from scratch with total creative freedom, and he's boring as sin. It's like the filmmakers just couldn't conceive of a children's movie without that stock character—and they clearly had no idea what to do with him once they'd invented him, because he disappears entirely from the film at the start of the third act, when Orion Pax throws him into an arcade cabinet, which they have in the mines on Cybertron for some reason.

In a film with as painfully few named speaking characters as Transformers One, there's really no excuse for having this kind of one-dimensionality in their portrayals. Genuinely, I ask—who are Orion Pax and Megatron fighting to liberate? Jazz, one of the biggest personalities from the original G1 cartoon, who gets all of two boilerplate lines here? Cooley seems to think so:

As you’re designing them the background characters are almost like Lego pieces where you put different heads on different bodies just to fill in a crowd. But some of them would be brought forward and be painted specific colors so that it represents a character that I didn’t know was such a big deal. But there was stuff—like Jazz, for example, has a pretty big role. It was important to have a relationship with a character that we know gets to be saved.

To me, the idea that casual cinemagoers would be invested in any of the Transformers as characters is laughable. Michael Bay's characters are famous for being hateful non-entities. In terms of the films, Jazz is best remembered for dying at the end of the first one, seventeen years ago; he looks completely different here. The one breakout character in recent years—Mirage, as played by Pete Davidson in Rise of the Beasts—was, as I've already mentioned, written out so that the movie could reach its girl quota... not that he would've had any lines anyway.

And I just don't buy the idea that the complete dearth of compelling characterisation in this film is just an unfortunate side-effect of its clipped one-hour-thirty runtime—that, given even half an hour longer, the film would suddenly be crowded with rich portrayals of all your Transformers faves. Bumblebee and Elita-1, ostensibly two of the most important characters in the film, are not in this movie because the movie is interested in telling their stories. They are in this movie for the sake of being in this movie. It insists upon itself.

IV. No politics means no politics

In fact, putting aside merchandising considerations, Elita-1 and Bumblebee serve one very specific purpose in narrative terms. The trait Optimus Prime and Megatron have always had in common is that they are both leaders—and what is a leader, without anyone to lead? Without Bumblebee and Elita-1, you'd have this farcical situation where the only person Optimus Prime ever gets to boss around is Megatron, until the very end of the movie when God makes him king of all Cybertron. The High Guard, Starscream's gang of exiles, serve a similar narrative purpose for Megatron; they're a ready-made army who've just been sitting around waiting for him to show up and take charge.

Towards the end, the movie does actually take care to show both Orion Pax and Megatron rallying groups of Cybertronians: in Pax's case, he reveals the truth to his legion of interchangable miner friends, while Megatron riles up the High Guard mob. Again, there's a bit of that narrative sleight-of-hand, a bit of a thematic cop-out, where the question of "how do Optimus Prime and Megatron come to be leaders of their factions?" is answered only in the most literal possible interpretation. Yes, we technically see the exact chain of events that lead to this point—but both characters are portrayed as born leaders. We don't see them grow into the role, except physically. The moment Megatron decides he wants to rule, he's able to take charge. Likewise, Optimus Prime just gets divinely appointed by God. At a key point, Megatron loudly declares "I will never trust a so-called leader ever again", and the movie plays a fucking scare chord like this is supposed to be ominous. Like, oh no! Optimus Prime is a leader! And they're friends! Whatever will Megatron do when he finds out his friend, Optimus Prime, is a leader?

I don't think the movie has given any real thought to what a leader actually is. It seems to take a stance that power cannot be taken, i.e. through violent action, as Sentinel Prime and Megatron do. That one scene with Elita-1 suggests the most important trait for a leader to have, above and beyond any particular competency, is simply hope and optimism. What I just can't wrap my head around is the fact that the counterpoint the movie presents to Megatron, in the form of Orion Pax becoming Optimus Prime, does not support a belief in collective action or basic democracy—rather, it's a boring sword-in-the-stone divine-right-of-kings fantasy.

Except I do have a theory for why the film is like this. Let's look again at that interview with Eric Pearson, who came onboard in the "late middle" of production:

One of the first things that I did was a big pass on Sentinel Prime. I just felt like he was too obviously telegraphing his wickedness in previous versions, and I felt like, “No, he’s a carnival barker.” He’s got to be a big salesman. He’s a bullshitter, honestly is what he is.

(Honestly, if this is Sentinel after a "big pass" to make his villainy more of a twist, I shudder to think what the earlier drafts were like.)

Now, let's see how WIRED introduces their interview with Josh Cooley, titled "Transformers One Isn't as Silly as It Looks":

He liked the script, which traces how Optimus Prime (Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (Brian Tyree Henry) went from friends to enemies. But as the world went into lockdown as Covid-19 spread, Cooley found his story changing, if only slightly. Trump was still in office when Cooley started working on the film, and he was having meetings with the producers and they’d “start these meetings off on Zoom just going, like, ‘Holy crap what is going on in this world?’” he says. Ultimately, the infighting they were seeing between Democrats and Republicans in the same family became an undercurrent in the film’s friends-to-enemies storyline, “because that’s what Transformers is.”

So it's like, oh, this is a 2016 election thing. This is just that one election that broke everyone's brains. Of course this movie about a made-up political struggle on an alien planet being developed from 2015-2020 wouldn't be like, hey, you know what might fix our society's problems, is if we had an election. Of course the main villain is a "big salesman" "bullshitter" who says things like "The truth is what I make it!". Wow, guys, your film is so-o-o politically-conscious, and very pretty.

The fantasy is more or less that Donald Trump's army of reactionaries is marching on Washington to seize power through violent means, and on the way he drops Joe Biden into the Grand Canyon, but just before Joe hits the ground a giant fucking bald eagle swoops in to catch him and squawks, "God finds you worthy! Arise, President Biden!"

In our escapist little morality play, our best friend slash allegorical dad gets made king of the planet, and we all get jobs in the government. As in, one of the funniest lines in the movie is straightup Bumblebee exulting, "This is the greatest day of my life. I get to work for the government!" When Prime met Bumblebee—an hour ago—the dude was talking to imaginary friends, and honestly the only fucking skill he's demonstrated since then is cold-blooded murder. We have this dissonance in the storytelling, where it's mostly a story about four friends going on an adventure (are they even friends? Most of them hate each other!), but it's also a founding-fathers political origin story, which means there comes a point where our hero just suddenly starts bossing his friends around in a deep voice, and they're like, "Yes, sir!" It creates this unhinged situation where the "good" faction on Cybertron is ruled by the biblical chosen one and his nepotism buddies.

Per that quote from WIRED (or are they just putting words in Cooley's mouth? I can't help but notice they don't give an exact quote!), the film is ultimately sympathetic to the bad guys (the Republicans, I guess). It deliberately suggests that there is really nothing that should divide the Autobots and the Decepticons: their political goals, it claims, are identical, and they only disagree on the means by which to achieve them. The Decepticons, who are angry and hateful, have simply been misled by a power-hungry liar with charisma—first Sentinel, then Megatron—and so the tragedy is that they are artificially pushed into conflict with their fellow men, when really they should be uniting to stand against their common enemy, the foreigner illuminati trying to steal Cybertron's wealth.

Now, I know I've just handed you a get-out-of-jail-free card. My political allegory here is chock full of holes. What, are Sentinel Prime and Megatron both Donald Trump? Get a grip. Obviously any real-world commentary in Transformers One was only intended in the loosest sense imaginable: things like, "people should be free to change into whatever they want!" I'm being unfair, I'm reading too much into it, this is a cartoon movie for children, and if I want politics, I should start reading some fucking books. Also, come to mention it, my whole argument about that cave earlier really didn't hold water, and- I know, alright? I know.

V. Place / Place, Cybertron

I'm not mad at this toy commercial because its politics don't quite align with mine. I'm not mad at it for having a boring-ass supporting cast. I'm not mad at it for reheating a bunch of half-baked lore I didn't care for from the early 2010s. I've actually spent a lot of time mad about Transformers media that I've thought was bad. There's Transformers: Armada, where the English translators are fully asleep at the wheel and render even the most basic cartoon plots incomprehensible though constant mistranslations. There's Transformers: Micromasters, where two white guys wrote a downtrodden race of tiny Cybertronians who greet each other like "Wattup, my micro!". There's the recent series of Transformers: EarthSpark, where there's an episode that I can only describe as "the Wonka Experience but it's an episode of a children's cartoon", with a plotline that mostly revolves around our child heroes straightup robbing a Onceler-looking businessman of his most valuable possession. There's Transformers: Age of Extinction, with that one scene, and also the rest of that movie. In fact, I would go so far as to say that most Transformers fiction is some combination of bad, offensive, and offensively bad.

So even though I've just spent thousands of words whinging and moaning about how I didn't like Transformers One, the truth is that I had a perfectly nice time at the cinema. I got to go see it with five of my pals who love Transformers just as much as I do, and we had a blast. It is easily in the top 50% of all Transformers fiction.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I guess I've always given a lot of thought to what Transformers looks like from the outside. Maybe it's that I'm compelled to spend so much time and money on it, that it somehow compels me to vomit up these kinds of essays, and all I want is to be able to make it make sense to anyone in my life. It would be so, so nice if I could just sit down in the cinema with a friend or family member for a couple of hours, and at the end of it, they'd be able to walk out and say, "Okay, I guess I see what you get out of it." Rise of the Beasts was kind of that movie for me, but Rise of the Beasts is also the seventh instalment in a blockbuster franchise. It kind of takes for granted everything about Transformers.

It doesn't answer, "what the fuck is a Transformer anyway?"

For many years now, fans have noticed a marked aversion to using the word "transform" as a verb, or even as a noun. Optimus Prime no longer says, "Autobots, transform and roll out!", he just says, "Roll out!". Transformers no longer transform, they "convert". In fact, Transformers are no longer Transformers at all: they are "Transformers bots", the italics here serving to distinguish a registered trademark. This is because the worms in suits at Hasbro are worried that, if they continue to use the word "transform" by its dictionary definition—that is, to change—then rival toy companies will be able to make the case that anything that transforms can legally be described as a Transformer. It will become a generic trademark, like Velcro, or Band-Aid, or Dumpster.

Yet in Transformers One, "Transformers" is not just the noun by which the characters are referred to—rather, it's used in a descriptive sense to specifically mean "Cybertronians who can transform"! Characters are constantly talking about whether they can or can't transform. Prime gets to say his catchphrase in full. It's a miracle. Not only that, characters even get to say the word "kill" instead of "defeat" or "destroy".

Transformers One has a level of unrestricted creative freedom not seen since the 1986 animated film. This is a film unconstrained by location shooting, or licensing deals, or uncooperative actors; through the magic of CGI, for every single frame of its one-hour-thirty runtime, the filmmakers can put literally whatever they want on the screen. They were given the assignment, "Make an animated prequel set on Cybertron telling the origin story of Optimus Prime and Megatron", handed an estimated $147 million and a blank page, and told to go nuts. Like those born with transformation cogs, Transformers One had the power to become anything it wanted to be.

The 1986 animated film took that carte blanche to do whatever the fuck it wanted, and basically singlehandedly defined the direction of the franchise ever since. On a lore level, in terms of tone, I would say that Transformers owes practically everything to The Transformers: The Movie. Cartoons, comics, films, and video games have adapted every single one of its scenes countless times over. I'm not necessarily saying that it's a good film, or even that it's a particularly original film—much of it is ripped off from Star Wars—just that it took the franchise somewhere it hadn't gone before. It was looking to the future. As in, literally, it was set in 2005, at the time two decades into the future.

What gets me down about Transformers One is that—like most major franchise media released since The Force Awakens—all it can do is think about the past. Swathes of it are devoted to painstakingly recreating or setting up the various bits of iconography which have arbitrarily come to define the franchise. Even when it appears to be taking things in a new direction, it's not long before it course-corrects back into familiar territory: Steve Buscemi invents a surprisingly fresh take on Starscream's voice, and then Megatron half-strangles him to death, saddling him with a post-produced rasp to emulate Chris Latta's iconic performance from forty years ago.

The very title of the film, Transformers One, is an allusion to the line, "Till all are one," which originates in The Transformers: The Movie. In an early script for that '80s feature, it was actually "Till all life sparks are one", referring to a literal metaphysical process in that draft whereby one Transformer's life force could be passed on to another, presumably with the belief that they would all eventually be merged into a single afterlife. In the finalized story, it's just this kind of mystical phrase vaguely evoking concepts of togetherness and unity.

Transformers One brushes up against the phrase a couple of times. Alpha Trion almost says it at one point, when passing on his dead siblings' transformation cogs: "They were one. You are one. All are one!" Whatever that means. Later, Orion Pax starts a chant amongst the miners: "Together as one!" And finally, at the very end of the movie, during his obligatory film-ending monologue, Optimus Prime again goes: "And now, we stand here together... as one." (Half of Cybertron has just been banished to the surface forever.) "[...] Here, all are truly... Autobots." (Again, half of Cybertron- Optimus, what the fuck are you talking about?) Regardless, this is inexplicably the one instance where the movie doesn't twist itself up into knots trying to nail the exact phrasing.

Actually, there is one other sideways reference like this I can think of. Early in the film, Orion Pax is chatting up Elita, and he remarks, "Feel like I have enough power in my to drill down and touch Primus himself." To which Elita replies, "You don't have the touch or the power." This is kind of a nonsensical retort unless you know that in the 1986 movie, one of the most iconic songs on the soundtrack was "The Touch" by Stan Bush, which had the chorus line: "You got the touch! You got the power!" It's a banger. Anyway, remember when I said Darkwing gets chucked through an arcade cabinet? Well, here's Cooley revealing why that arcade cabinet is in the film:

I actually wrote [that exchange between Orion Pax and Elita] because I love that song. [...] And we had this one version where D-16 and Orion were playing a video game, like a stand-up old arcade game—it was inspired to look like that, but a Cybertonian version of that. They’re playing that together like friends and the song, like the 8-bit song that’s playing is ["The Touch"]. But that scene got nixed. And so I wanted to work it in there somewhere. And I just felt like a natural place for it. But that was one where I’m like, "I just love that song and those lyrics and that’s Transformers to me so I want to get that in there."

(I've had to amend that quote to fill in the blanks where the article has redacted "spoilers" for the movie. Spoiler culture is an absolute pox, I swear. Can't have the audiences knowing about one (1) mid joke in advance—the movie barely has enough jokes to fill a "Transformers One Funny Moments" compilation as it is!)

This actually isn't the first time Hasbro has "nixed" a reference to "The Touch" in major Transformers media. In the Transformers: Cyberverse episode "The Alliance", a character references "The Touch" right before a training montage which is clearly supposed to have the track playing, except instead it's been replaced by a generic rock instrumental, presumably because they couldn't afford the license. And in Daniel Warren Johnson's Eisner-award-winning bestselling comic run, there's one panel where he clearly wanted to include the song's lyrics as a sound effect, but wasn't allowed, so the final sound effect famously reads "YOU KNOW THE SONG". But that's a random episode of a bargain-bin cartoon, and an indie-darling comic series—not a $147 million blockbuster. You really have to wonder if it came down to money, or if it was something else. God knows Transformers One would not actually be improved for having a chiptune remix of "The Touch" in it, anyway.

The most egregious misplaced bit of fanwank in the film isn't even in dialogue. In the 1986 film, there's this one iconic moment when Optimus Prime arrives at the besieged Autobot City, drives through a crowd of Decepticons in truck mode, then fires some afterburners, launching his cab up into the air, where he transforms mid-leap, drawing his blaster to shoot a couple of Decepticons before hitting the ground. It's a fantastic bit of original animation. It's the Akira slide of Transformers. And, surprise surprise, it crops up in Transformers One. In the climactic final fight, Orion Pax shows up to save Megatron, and he does the thing.

But the problem is... he's not in truck mode! The film just cuts to him standing there in the middle of some anonymous mooks, then he does a standing jump into the air, the movie momentarily goes into extreme slow-mo like he's doing a fucking quick-time event, then he shoots a couple of guys and drops to the ground. There's no momentum. It exists purely to create that simulacrum, to take the single most iconic frame from that bit of 1986 animation, and stretch that one frame into infinity. The context is discarded, irrelevant. All that matters is that brief moment of recognition: "I know what that iiis!" God knows Transformers One has precious little in the way of impactful fight animation of its own; the choreography is stiff and uninspired, while the shots themselves are nauseatingly cluttered. Often, the best it can do is pilfer from older, better stories.

"Did you clap at any of the new moments and memorable characters?" "Were there any?"

Look, I get it. Transformers One is a prequel. By definition, it can't change the future. It has to play with the characters that are already in the toybox. But I do think it had this really special opportunity: to show theatregoers where the Transformers come from. To show us Cybertron not as a distant star or a barren scrapyard, but as a living, thriving alien world, unlike Earth, something special and worth protecting in its own right. Something new and memorable. In Rise of the Beasts—probably the best Transformers movie by default—when Optimus Prime is at his lowest, he wants nothing more to return home... but home is something we've only ever seen as a cold dystopia, ruled by Decepticons. The version of Transformers One I had hoped to see was one that would have imbued Optimus' homesickness with greater meaning. I wanted to feel his loss, and to hope that one day the war will end, and Cybertron can be restored.

I think Transformers One sincerely tries to achieve this effect. The concept artists have clearly put a great deal of time and thought into Cybertron as an environment. When the artbook comes out, I'm keen to see how much stuff didn't make it into the finished film. You have to assume most of it got cut, because there's next to nothing left!

At the end of the film, battle lines are drawn, the civil war is about to start... but strangely, the movie's setting does not convey the sense that anything beautiful is being lost. Nobody is unwillingly turned to violence, innocence-lost; they're all too eager to get to killing, friggin' Bumblebee is gleeful about it. There's no beautiful, iconic landmark, which gets tragically destroyed, like in some kind of Transformers 9/11—"What have we done! Where will this war take us!". There's no part of Cybertron's natural ecological environment to be ruined by the war, because the surface world is already turbofucked by the Quintessons to begin with. No, rather, we have the total opposite: Optimus Prime finding the Matrix (which was just, like, hanging out in the core of Cybertron or whatever) actually restores Energon to the planet, removing the unnatural scarcity which was the entire impetus behind the film's dystopia. He made Cybertron great again. So again, Transformers One fails to answer one of the most fundamental questions one might expect of a Transformers prequel: "When did things on Cybertron get so bad?" The movie ends with the planet in better shape to how it started!

The big original idea that Transformers One has is that Cybertron, the planet itself, should be in a constant state of transformation. I've already talked about the beautiful shapeshifting landscapes, but it's also the moving buildings, the complicated mechanisms, the roads and rails that magically lay themselves between the vehicles and their destinations. I've already mentioned how odd I find it that none of these environmental transformations have any significance to the story; the closest it comes to some sort of payoff is when Orion Pax falls into the hole that makes you king.

What I find most perplexing are the deer. When the gang makes it to the surface, the idea is to show the natural beauty of the surface, which the cogless have been denied their whole lives. The mountains glisten as they move. Nebulae glow in the night sky. The surface is blanketed in organic (?) plantlife, like a watering can forgotten in a garden. And, most strikingly, there are deer: mechanical animals, just like those found on Earth, being hunted for sport by the evil Quintessons. When the cruisers near, their glowing horns turn red with alarm, and they prance around in fear.

I'm reminded of a brief gag from the third season of Transformers: Cyberverse—one of very few shows to have devoted any serious effort to Cybertronian worldbuilding—in the episode "Thunderhowl". Bumblebee and Chromia stumble across a "singlehorn" (read: unicorn), and when it senses danger, it neighs, transforms into a rocket, and blasts out of frame. And apart from being really cute and funny, it's like, oh, of course that's what animals are like on Cybertron! Everything on this planet transforms. Why not the animals?

For whatever reason, the deer in Transformers One are like the one thing that don't transform. Why the hell not? If Cyberverse could find the budget for its split-second sight gag, surely this blockbuster could, I don't know, have them turn into dirt bikes with antler-handlebars. That would've been something, right? If not, then at least could we maybe see some other animals on Cybertron, to really get across that alien biodiversity? Of course not. See, the deer exist to communicate one very specific story beat: a single moment of trepidation, where the heroes know there's danger nearby, but they don't know what. And all you need for that is a single kind of prey animal, with some kind of warning light to let you know, hey, there's danger! Once this purpose is fulfilled, the deer have no further significance to the story.

We need only look to BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui to see this exact same beat play out with a modicum of competence and creative flair. Also in the second act—in fact, at practically the exact same timestamp—our heroes, the Toa, have a run-in with the bad guys, and they're nearly captured... but then there's this sudden rumble of danger approaching, we don't know what. It turns out to be a herd of giant Kikanalo! They send the bad guys packing, except they nearly trample our heroes too! But then, Toa Nokama's mask begins to glow, and she discovers that her mask grants her the ability to talk to animals. They learn some vital information from the Kikanalo, and are able to ride the creatures for the next stage of their adventure. Finally, when they can go no further, the Kikanalo cave in the passage behind the heroes to ensure they won't be pursued. Holy shit, that's like, five different story beats with just that one type of creature!

It's not just that Transformers One struggles with that kind of basic narrative flow, where a single element serves multiple purposes. It's that often, it wastes precious time creating redundant setups to achieve the same effect twice.

For example, Megatronus Prime's face happens to look exactly like (what we know will be) the Decepticon insignia. At the beginning of the movie, Orion Pax mollifies Megatron by giving him a rare decal of Megatronus Prime's face. Traditionally, Megatron wears his insignia in the middle of his chest—but in this film, nearly every character has a big hole in the middle of their chest, where their missing transformation cog should go. So Megatron sticks the decal on his shoulder instead.

Later, he gets a cog, and the hole in his chest is filled. When Sentinel Prime captures Megatron, he notices the Megatronus sticker, and rips it off. Then, he re-applies it on Megatron's chest—purely so it's in the "right" place for the iconography. And then, he uses his gun to crudely brand Megatron with a tracing of Megatronus' face, inadvertently creating the Decepticon symbol. Finally, in a post-credits scene, Megatron has fashioned a proper Decepticon brand with which to brand himself and his followers. So in effect, there are four separate moments where Megatron gets the symbol! Orion sticking it on his shoulder, Sentinel moving it to his chest, Sentinel mutilating him, and finally Megatron branding himself. You can make an argument that the symbol starts out meaning one thing, but ends up meaning another thing, which has a kind of tragic significance—but I think you would struggle to distinguish subtle shades of meaning from all four of these brandings. Considering the movie only has an hour and a half to work with, I find this lack of narrative economy to be honestly embarrassing.

(My friend Jo also points out what a misstep it is to just have Megatronus Prime's face perfectly resemble the Decepticon symbol from the start. Had it been a looser, more stylised—that is to say, original—design, the moment where Sentinel Prime roughly carves it into Megatron's chest could be a shocking reveal, as the basic outlines are abstracted and simplified. Gasp, that's the origin of the Decepticon symbol! Instead, from the very moment that sticker first shows up, it's like... oh, well, there it is I guess.)

In a similar vein, both Optimus Prime and Megatron undergo two different transformations at different points in the movie: first, when Alpha Trion gives them transformation cogs, and second, when respectively they obtain the Matrix of Leadership/Megatronus' cog. The gun that sprouts from Megatron's arm in his intermediary form bears a much closer to resemblance to his iconic "fusion cannon" than the triple-barrelled cannon he ends up with in his final form. Again, in such a short film, can we really say whatever subtlety this brings to Megatron's arc is worth all this fanfare? Now, Redditors ask: "What is the EXACT moment D-16 became Megatron?"

In fact, probably the only point of criticism I've seen levied at Transformer One from within the Transformers fandom at large is that Megatron's arc is maybe a little "rushed". He starts out being best bros forever with Orion Pax, and by the end of the film, he's ready to drop the guy into a bottomless pit. The film takes a lot of time to justify his anger at Sentinel Prime, but the deterioration of his friendship with Orion goes much more unspoken, and is framed more as a point of irrationality: psychologically, Megatron comes to conflate his bossy friend with his oppressive ruler. I liked this, personally. I liked that it's as if a switch gets flipped in Megatron's head. But you do just kind of have to buy into it. The film itself does not put in the work to really sell you on the friendship souring, because again, it's too busy fucking around with two (2) magical girl transformation sequences for each of them.

Everything in the film is like this. They go into the cave and meet Alpha Trion, then leave the cave so they can watch a FMV cutscene with Sentinel Prime and the Quintessons, who've coincidentally arrived at that exact moment, basically just to rehash what they've just been told... and then they go back into the cave so Alpha Trion can resume his infodump, and then they end up clashing with Sentinel Prime's forces once that's done. At the beginning of the movie, they're at the very bottom in the mines, then they get banished to an even lower level, then they banish themselves all the way up to the surface, then they return to Iacon, and then Megatron gets banished to the surface again so he can be mesmerized by the beauty of the world and/or get gunched by Quintessons depending on what the film wanted me to take away from this. Compare to Minecraft but I survive in PARKOUR CIVILIZATION [FULL MOVIE], where the theme of class struggle is pretty efficiently depicted in the vertically-stratified setting.

I just find it so wasteful. Outside of the one scene where they're introduced, the Quintessons—ostensibly the true architects of Cybertron's oppressive status quo—may as well not exist. If not for Orion Pax addressing his closing remarks to the Quintessons, almost as an afterthought, I'd assume the film wants us to forget about them entirely, as it knows full well that its paltry runtime does not give it time for a second action-climax against the aliens. Even as sequel bait, it feels halfhearted at best; Josh Cooley is clearly already bored of Transformers, and seems unlikely to come back for another round unless the money is really really good (which *glances at the box office* it's not). So what the fuck are the Quintessons here for? Was the idea that Sentinel might just have pulled off his coup singlehandedly really so hard to stomach? Could the conspiracy not have been simplified to just involve Sentinel and his Transformer cronies? Hang on, are all the Transformers seen at the start of the film in on it, or just some of them? How's it decided who keeps their cogs and who doesn't?

VI. Into nothing

Why does this movie, where the main selling point is ostensibly that we're getting to see Transformers civilization for the first time, mostly focus on all these guys who can't fucking transform? Surely the entire thing that makes the setting fun is the Zootopia angle of, look, they're all different animals! Or the Elemental angle of, look, they're all different elements! Or the Emoji Movie angle of, look, they're all different emoji! Or the Cars angle of, look, they're all different cars! This is a Transformers film which features several significant sequences involving these cool trains, and there is absolutely zero indication that these trains are themselves Transformers. This is a Transformers film which extensively focuses on miners, and none of them transform into mining vehicles; they're holding, friggin', space jackhammers. Even the premise of "isn't it sad that these ones can't transform" is kind of undercut by the fact that all the miners get to wear fucking jetpacks, which is a frankly much cooler and more effective method of locomotion than driving.

I'm just sick of Transformers stories having zero interest in the basic premise of Transformers, which is to say, they transform into something. I also think this is the biggest dissonance between casual audiences, who think "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, that guy who turns into a truck", and Transformers fans, who think, "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, the messiah or something". Normal people love to know what the Transformers turn into. They ask, "Wait, is there a Transformer that turns into [insert silly vehicle here]?" Of course people are interested in that angle! Vehicles are such a huge part of our daily lives—honestly, for those of us living in cities, more so than animals, the classical elements, or emoji—but the closest Transformers One comes to engaging with this lens is that aforementioned Iacon 5000 race sequence. By and large, it presents a world which is made for standing up and walking around. And personally I do think that's an insane approach to take?

Is the excuse that cars can't emote? Nonsense. If you've ever seen a traffic jam, you'll know that cars can sure as hell emote. Pixar, where Josh Cooley cut his teeth, famously spent a lot of time working out how to put a facial expression on a car. No, the problem dates back to the very start of the franchise.

In the 1980s, two main people were responsible for writing the comic stories: American writer Bob Budiansky, and British writer Simon Furman. Budiansky approached the premise of the franchise from an external, human perspective, writing about culture clash, and taking delight in the Transformers' mechanical alien nature as "robots in disguise". Meanwhile, Furman wrote the Transformers as giant people: he focused on their own internal conflicts and motivations, and the grand history of their war. Pretty much every Transformers story ever told can be boiled down to one of these schools of thought: Budianskian, or Furmanist.

Budiansky quit the comic after fifty issues, allowing Furman to take the reigns as sole writer, and Furman basically got the final word on what the Transformers are. They did not evolve from naturally-occurring gears, levers and pulleys. They were not designed by a supercomputer, or built by an alien race. They are the chosen sons of God. The Thirteen are, of course, an invention of Furman's. And Transformers One is perhaps the most Furmanist story ever told. It's the culmination of years and years of lore building up, ossifying into something you can no longer describe as the history of a universe—no, this is a mythology. It's the most perfect form of brand alignment imaginable: this is not an origin story, this is the origin story. It's been the origin story for a better part of the decade—and now that everyone's seen it in theatres, it will be the origin story forever.

It's not just the fiction, either, by the way. These days, if you go into the store to buy a Transformers toy, chances are it'll turn into some misshapen made-up futuristic concept car with unpainted windows and wheels that don't even roll—and that's terrible.

There's truly a lot to hate about Michael Bay's Transformers films, but with each new entry that's released following his departure from the franchise, I feel like I only find myself appreciating them more. In the 2007 Transformers movie, we see the Transformers crash-landing on Earth in their "protoforms", and their movements are animated like they're shy, like they're naked until they scan an Earth vehicle and adopt a disguise. The visual impact of Megatron, meanwhile, is that he doesn't adopt a disguise in that movie: he's a horrible metal skeleton that turns into a jet made of knives. It's weird and alien and it rules.

In the 1980s Transformers cartoon, and in the last-minute Cybertron-set prologue added to Bumblebee, and now in Transformers One, the Transformers look basically the same on Cybertron as they eventually do upon their arrival to Earth. Optimus Prime turns, unmistakably, into a truck. He has windows on his chest, and smokestacks on his arms. He doesn't have these features because he disguises himself as an Earth truck. He has those details because that's just what Optimus Prime looks like. They're his "essential brand elements", or "trademark details", which "identify the must-have elements in character design to be carried across all creative expressions". Prime may take any form he wishes, so long as it looks exactly like himself. A mask of my own face—I'd wear that.

What I find fucked up about the reception towards Transformers One is that a lot of people seemed very invested in its success—and not its popular success, certainly not its artistic success, but rather its commercial success. They wanted this to be the first film to make one bumblebillion dollars. They wanted Hasbro to line its fucking pockets and make movies like this forever. So if you express any kind of negativity towards this film online, which might theoretically affect some other person's decision of whether or not to go and see it, which might theoretically affect the profit it makes at the cinema, which might theoretically affect the future of the franchise in some unknown way, then you're some sort of fandom traitor who oughta be executed.

If you're so worried about the future of the franchise, the fandom really isn't where you should be looking. Like, c'mon, the Transformers fandom has been good as gold, we buy so many toys. Meanwhile, Hasbro just got finished laying off around 100 employees with no warning to make their books look a bit better. Transformers designer John Warden—who'd worked at Hasbro for 25 years, is widely credited with inventing the modern paradigm of Transformers toylines, and ultimately became the creative director of both Transformers and G.I. Joe—was on assignment to a convention in the UK with the rest of the Transformers team when he heard the news. Suffice to say, he did not end up making a public appearance at the convention. With his work's health insurance snatched away without notice, he's had to resort to crowdfunding to pay his family's medical bills. As a well-known figure in the toy industry, he will presumably find a new job and land on his feet, but the same cannot be said for all 99 of the remaining employees we're told have been unceremoniously dumped.

The Binder of Revelation, which has been something of a holy grail of behind-the-scenes material for over a decade, has finally been leaked—presumably by one of these guys, presumably out of spite.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to have been paying particularly close attention to Hasbro's financials, but from where I'm sitting, it sure seems that ever since the sudden death of then-CEO Brian Goldner in 2021—credited for saving the company in 2000, and overseeing the explosive growth of its intellectual property ever since then—his replacement, Chris P. Cocks (or "Crispy Cocks", as we're all now calling him), has been dead set on gutting the company for all it's worth. The Power Rangers franchise, which the company acquired for $522 million in 2018, is dead in the water, with huge quantities of physical assets being flogged at auction for quick cash. In 2019, they acquired the entertainment company eOne for $4.0 billion, and now they're selling off the whole shebang (except the cash-printing Peppa Pig franchise) for just $500 million. I guess maybe they just fucked it big style?

Because now, Crispy Cocks has proudly announced that Hasbro is going to stop financing movies altogether.

I'm sure that in the wake of this announcement, many of those aforementioned fandom pundits will be drawing a correlation between this announcement, and the box-office figures for Transformers One, and the fact that you personally failed to convince your Mom to go see it with you or whatever. "Ah, you see! They didn't make enough of their money back, and now they're consolidating. Simple economic cause and effect. Market forces." And look, I'm not going to sit here and claim these things are wholly unrelated. Of course they're very related. But I am going to make the case that, in truth, nobody at Hasbro really cared how Transformers One did. Unless it turned out to be some pie-in-the-sky runaway hit, I don't think the future of the Transformers film franchise would've been particularly different if only the film had done better.

With Paramount, Hasbro has been making these movies and having them underperform ever since 2017's The Last Knight—which apparently lost Paramount $100 million—and that's because at the end of the day, what they're most interested in isn't making movies. It's making toy commercials. And on that level, the Transformers films have clearly been a success so far.

Now, Crispy Cocks' skinsuit fashions itself as a gamer, so he can personify Hasbro's hardcore pivot towards digital and tabletop gaming. While we await the release of the assuredly-dogshit, assuredly-hell-to-have-worked-on, assuredly-never-coming-out Transformers: Reactivate, the brand has been whored out to a procession of mobile games you've never heard of, glorified gambling machines designed to hack the monkey part of your brain with bright colors and Things You Recognize. The exact content of these games is irrelevant; all that matters is the announcement, on every single pop culture news outlet simultaneously (naturally—they're all owned by the same company, talk about Monopoly), of New Collaboration Between Transformers And Goon Warriors Free To Download Now. Your daily, weekly, bi-annual reminder to think about that thing you can buy.

That's all any of this stuff is.

All these words spilled about what a good movie Transformers One is, and how bad it is, and why the marketing failed it, and what the next one might be like, and- none of it mattered! It does not matter. From the beginning, this movie was always going to be too preoccupied with its own mercenary interests to be something anyone would ever be able to seriously talk about as a work of art, even corporate art. The actual content of the movie is irrelevant; I've spent very little of this review talking about it, because there's nothing there to talk about. It is the mere fact of the movie's existence that serves its purpose. Like the Optimus Prime Fortnite skin, it's enough for it to occupy our attention.

Maybe that's why they staggered the film's release date: because some marketing exec watched the rough cut and realised, if everyone saw it at once, we'd be done talking about it within a fortnight. And in ten years' time, after it has been paraded around whichever streaming services survive 'til then, and nearly every last cent of revenue has been squeezed out of it, the kids will be able to watch it on YouTube with ad breaks, and decide what they want for Christmas.

To the Transformers fans reading this, I am begging you, unless you happen to own shares in Hasbro for some fucking reason, to disabuse yourself of the feeling that you owe any kind of loyalty to a toy franchise. It shouldn't matter to you one jot how Transformers One did in theatres. The people who actually make the product you care about, the friendly faces paraded before you on livestreams and press tours, don't see this money anyway—they too are merely assets, who can be fired and replaced with cheaper, inferior equivalents.

I'm sure many of you will have, from the very start, seen this review for the foolish endeavour it is. I've wasted all this time criticising Transformers One for its lack of artistic vision, when the truth is, Transformers One is playing an entirely different game. Like the Disney Channel running "Fishy Facts!" segments to subliminally get kids interested in fish a full year and a half before the release of Finding Nemo, this is not a product—it's an ad for a product.

...

Okay I'll be honest, I don't entirely love where this review has ended up. It ends on kind of a "bummer note", I guess you could say. Flashing back to sections I. and II., I feel like things started out so fun. We had that whole bit at the start where I was telling you about the Transformers, remember that? We learned so much together. And there were even a few moments where I was able to express some kind of sincere joy and appreciation over this thing that I supposedly adore so much. Sure, I did a lot of complaining, but it was fun complaining, right? It had like, a sarcastic edge to it, sort of.

What happened? Why am I suddenly talking like I want to cut someone's head off? As I grow more bitter, I type this essay with increasing difficulty. The massive gun that's sprouted from my forearm keeps colliding with my monitor.

Hasbro descends from on high to reward @TFHypeGuy, a grown-ass adult who has spent untold unpaid hours fearlessly replying to every single viral tweet to tell people to go see the film, somehow netting himself 80,000 followers in the process, with a crate of toys, which was probably his end goal from the start. He and I duel. We trade blow after blow. Finally, he clobbers me with a Walmart-exclusive light-up Ultimate Energon Optimus Prime figure. "It didn't have to end this way," he says. Then he banishes me to the surface world to think on my sins.

VII. The Wrong Trousers 👖 | Train Chase Scene 🚂 | Wallace & Gromit

When Eric Pearson came onto the project,

It was late middle of the game. They had a script that had the outline of the story, which is still very much the structural bones of the story now. But what I found interesting about animation is there are certain things that were far along in the process. The train escape to the surface was very far along, so that was just kind of locked. Maybe you could change a line here or there. Meanwhile, the opening, the whole first 10 minutes, was all storyboards and sketches, which changed a bunch of times.

And I do think that's a really difficult position for a scriptwriter to be in. Sure, the parts of the screenplay I feel able to attribute to Pearson, I wasn't particularly impressed by. But I think this anecdote goes to show how unnatural the constraints can be on a story like this. When you think of like, a scene that's key to Transformers One, you're probably imagining something like the Megatron/Optimus fight, or the scene in the mine—not the train scene, which is basically a bit of arbitrary connective tissue bridging the two main locations in the film.

Josh Cooley, the film's director, the face of the film on the press circuit from a creative standpoint, came onboard after five years of previous development work was already done. Writers Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari, who originally pitched the film and presumably wrote the early drafts of the story, might have already left the project by that point. Aaron Archer and Rik Alvarez, the creative forces behind the Binder of Revelation, left Hasbro years before the film was even pitched. It's no wonder to me that the final result feels incoherent, disjointed, and oddly stilted. It's certainly no wonder that nobody at Hasbro today really seems to care about the film; it's not their baby. If any of the people credited with bringing the project to completion had been given full creative freedom to make whatever Transformers movie they wanted, it would've looked completely different.

Luckily, there are still plenty of areas of the franchise where creators have just been allowed to go ham. Over in Japan, TRIGGER has taken a modest budget for a music-video and produced one of the most visually-striking bits of animation in the franchise, a true love-letter to all the weird parts of its forty-year history. And in America, comic creator Daniel Warren Johnson is halfway through his Eisner-winning new run on the title, which is the kind of thing I would basically recommend to anyone without caveats as being a phenomenal story, period. If that comic can be said to be an advert for anything, it's for Skybound's other, nowhere-near-as-good comic series, or for the unofficial unlicensed copyright-infringing Magic Square Optimus Prime toy Daniel Warren Johnson apparently used as reference the whole time.

I dunno, maybe Hasbro stepping back from financing these films is a good thing, in the long run. Maybe we can do without Transformers movies for a while. And however many years down the line, maybe Paramount or some other studio will put together a new team of talent, and they'll get to do whatever it is they want. And maybe the movie they make will be the one that knocks everyone's socks off.

Truly, I don't know where the road leads from here. It hasn't been built yet. It could turn out to go anywhere.

If you made it this far, I hope some of what I've said has been entertaining or interesting. Thanks for reading!

Time to for me to come clean. There is one other reason why I've waited so long to release this review... and that's because I have a special announcement to make. Last month I set myself a little challenge: to write something that's at least as long as this review, but which isn't another negative-nancy tirade. It's a story.

The working title is "Ice Road Transformers". It's like an episode of that one reality TV show about Canadians driving trucks across frozen lakes—except the truck is Optimus Prime.

Early reviews say it's good! It'll be going through several rounds of revisions, to turn it into a well-oiled machine, hopefully in time for a seasonally-appropriate wide release in February. I'm very excited for you to be able to read it. You can follow me here or on Bluesky to be the first to find out when it's ready!

I'd like to thank my friends Jo and Umar for their work interviewing Cooley and di Bonaventura during the film's press circuit, along with Viv, Callum, and Omar for allowing me to enjoy this film much more than I otherwise might have. I wouldn't have been able to express many of my feelings about this movie nearly so cogently if not for the conversations I had with them. Additional thanks go to Chris McFeely, as his Transformers: The Basics videos (linked throughout this essay) refreshed my memory on a lot of the Aligned stuff, sparing me from having to read The Covenant of Primus again.

[aishangotome]

Azel Radwan: Romantic Ending Ch. 25 His Side Story

Chapter 25

Thank you @shatcey for providing the video for this chapter!

I had a bad feeling about this.

Kamal: Hey, shouldn't you tell Miss Emma the truth?

Kamal: If she knew you were alive, I think she'd be happy.

Azel: Even if that's true, absolutely don't tell her.

Kamal: Why?

Azel: ...Just because.

Kamal: That's not a reason. You're the one who wants to see her so badly.

Azel: Would you please not fabricate people's feelings?

(A dead god can't freely walk around outside.)

(...What am I going to do, tying down that woman who's continuing her journey as a book merchant?)

(In the first place, I don't want to see her, nor do I want her to be by my side.)

(When I let my guard down, I do remember her, but that's all.)

(Even for me, that woman will eventually become a dream.)

Kamal: I'm not fabricating anything. Because, Azel, you're clearly depressed.

Azel: Huh?

Kamal: You're absent-minded. You might as well admit it.

Kamal: That you've fallen in love with her.

Azel: Don't say such disgusting things, that's absolutely not true.

(Everyone's saying whatever they want.)

(There's no such thing.)

-

(...There isn't, but...)

The regular meeting of the triple alliance was held in secret.

The complacency that no outsider would come led to this current tragedy.

Emma: You definitely love me, Prince Azel.

The woman, whom I thought I would never see again, said it shamelessly and boldly.

Azel: ...........................

Emma: It's no use sulking.

Azel: I'm not.

Azel: No matter what you say, I don't love you.

Azel: ...Go back. Pretend you didn't see me.

Azel: I'll strangle Kamal when I get back. I told him at least a thousand times not to tell you.

Emma: Unfortunately, I can't just obediently go back.

(Go back...)

(...Please.)

Even though I denied it with my words, my heart was strangely restless.

The longer this conversation dragged on, the more likely I was to reach out to her.

Whether aware of my inner struggle or not, the woman casually took off her bag and took out paper, a quill, and ink from it.

(What is she doing?)

I peered at her hand, and a bad feeling swelled up as I saw the letters being written.

Azel: ...An invoice?

Emma: Yes. First, the expenses for Kamal's request... and the mental anguish I suffered...

(What do you mean, "expenses for Kamal's request"? I haven't heard anything about this...)

Emma: The reward for the success of that day's plan, plus compensation for various damages...

Azel: What are these "various damages"?

Emma: ...K-Kisses, hugs, and all that stuff!

Azel: Huh?

Emma: Subtracting my debt from this and calculating...

Emma: I think it comes to about this much!

The invoice thrust in front of me listed a theoretically impossible amount to repay, filled with zeros.

Azel: You... can you even read these digits?

Emma: No, I can't.

Azel: Don't say it so proudly.

Emma: But I won't let you say you can't pay.

Emma: ...My heart is expensive.

Azel: ......

I could sense her desperation, as if she was about to cry.

Perhaps the woman was just imitating the god who once bound her with debt.

(...Something worth a fortune...)

(If you put a price on it, maybe this is indeed the theoretical value.)

Azel: ...A dead god can't appear on the public stage again.

Azel: Unlike you, I'll be living in the shadows from now on.

(What is she talking about?)

(I should just throw the invoice back at her, saying it's ridiculous...)

(...This makes it seem like I'm the one clinging to her.)

(Even though that's not my intention.)

Emma: Then all the more reason why it's worth paying me.

Azel: Specifically?

Emma: I'll run a lot of errands in place of Prince Azel, who can't move freely.

Azel: That's fine, there are other people.

Emma: I'll even make delicious food.

Azel: ...I won't have any trouble with food even without you.

Emma: More than anything...

Emma: I'll teach you what true love is.

Emma: I'll correct your distorted perception of love and make you say, "My life was happy"!

Azel: .....

Azel: ...............

Azel: ..........................

(Damn it...)

(...You understand why I'm pushing you away, don't you?)

(Love is a curse.)

(It's something that makes people unhappy.)

(I've never seen proper love.)

(...Certainly, this "true love" you're talking about is different from what I know...)

(...Maybe I'm just ignorant...)

The woman—Emma is waiting for an answer.

Her gaze was so sincere and genuine that it took my breath away.

She seems to truly believe that she can teach me about "true love," and my heart wavers with an unfamiliar curiosity.

(...I don't like you... I shouldn't...)

Against my will, my hand snatched the invoice.

Azel: ...I'm just reluctantly accepting you to repay my debt.

Azel: Don't misunderstand.

(I've done it now.)

Regret immediately washed over me, but Emma's satisfied smile blew it all away.

Azel: Oh dear... With this much debt, I'll be broke for life.

Emma: Poor you.

Emma: Ow... ow!

Azel: ––...Don't run away until I've paid it all off.

(It's fine. I'll get over it.)

(...I know it's unreasonable.)

Emma: Do you know what that's called in the world?

Emma: It's called "adorable."

Azel: .............

Azel: ...I know that much.

(I don't want to admit it...)

(Even now, I honestly wish this was all a mistake...)

Against my will, I embraced her.

Azel: I've been cursed. By you, of all people...

Azel: I hate emotions that can't be explained with logic.

Azel: But I love you. Damn it...

-

I remember a dream I once had.

Azel: As for me, I'd rather not have anything to do with love.

Azel: ––Because I'm a god who doesn't love people.

(How did it come to this?)

Emma's dream, which I occasionally wander into, had undergone a noticeable change.

The immature space that only had buds was now surrounded by a multitude of roses, and the night sky had transformed into a clear blue one.

The sweet scent of roses tickled my nose, and I couldn't help but frown.

(...Dreams are a mirror that reflects a person's heart...)

Emma: Burn this into your eyes.

Emma: Because this entire space is probably my heart, which loves Prince Azel so much that it can't help itself.

Azel: ...Please stop.

Emma: And look at this.

Emma grabbed my arm and dragged me to the oak table.

There wasn't an unfinished book there, but a rose encased in a glass dome.

The fresh rose was partially crystallized, sparkling in the sunlight.

Emma: It's the most beautiful rose in the dream world.

Azel: ...Is that so?

Emma: I wonder what it means.

Azel: Don't ask me. This is your dream.

(...There's no need to guess anymore.)

Emma: This must also be my love.

Azel: ......

Emma: Don't I love Prince Azel too much?

Azel: Don't say it yourself.

(I never thought I'd experience such torture in someone else's dream.)

In this unbearably sweet space, Emma was smiling the whole time.

I couldn't take my eyes off her face for some reason.

(No... I know the reason why.)

(Once you're cursed, it's no use, it's too late.)

(...She's so adorable.)

(...)

Azel: ...Ah.

Suddenly, I noticed my face reflected in the glass dome.

It was a horrifying face, the likes of which I had never seen before in my life.

(Who is that... Is that me?)

(...What a nightmare.)

When I looked down, Emma, who had been looking at the rose all this time, was trembling.

Emma: It's alright, I already noticed.

Azel: ...What's alright about it, damn it.

(It's no use denying it with words anymore.)

Azel: ...Sigh.

Emma: Why are you sighing?

Azel: I'm just disgusted with myself.

(I'm getting tired of desperately denying it.)

(This is a dream... I can admit it a little in a dream.)

(...You're not the only one who loves too much...)

(...What's worth a fortune to me is right here...)

Azel: When and where did I go wrong? I wasn't supposed to love you, not one bit...

I couldn't help but look up at the clear sky.

The soft light pouring down from the moonless sky was pleasant.

Azel: I strayed from the path, this is the worst.

Azel: ...The fact that I don't hate it, that's the worst part.

.

.

.

Romantic Ending Epilogue

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[runabout-river]

The Mechanisms of Nobara's Return

The Setup

Her injury is the smallest transfiguration Mahito made without interference

This injury didn't kill Nobara instantly

Nitta used his CT to stop her from dying

Affirmation that Nobara has a chance of survival even if that chance is less than 1%

This setup itself is the biggest indication/confirmation on a meta level that Nobara's return will happen. Because otherwise, Gege wouldn't have written it like this in the first place or he would've written later scenes about her death more explicitly.

Nobara is the female lead of JJK and is often compared to Sakura from Naruto in that regard. I find it hard to believe that Shonen Jump would let Gege discard that lead so early in the story. It would also be an unpopular decision to replace the female lead with another female character (Maki) even for Shonen standards.

Temporarily replacing one on the other hand, is a decision I can see happening. I'm no expert in this but it's known that editors keep the number of female characters low in their titles in SJ. Gege most likely wanted to do something shocking as well, so this a course of action many would be fine with.

If Nobara's death had been meant to be final then not only in the story but also outside of it we would've gotten definite confirmation on it. Instead, I don't recall something like that being said. In story and outside, we have this wishy-washy Schrödinger's Cat situation going on.

Her injury

Idle Transfiguration cannot be healed with positive energy or any other means

That's because positive energy doesn't recognize damage to the body if it's in the same shape as the soul

At this point, her death was suspended in a similar fashion to how Megumi's death was suspended inside his exorcism ritual

This suspension can theoretically be kept up indefinitely as long as Nitta can use his CT

A popular theory in this regard, is Nobara learning Reverse Cursed Technique while at death's door.

Nobara is a Black Flash user, her use of cursed energy is more refined than that of the average sorcerer

Her learning RCT would parallel Gojo learning it after being sliced open. For her, it just takes longer

Having to use RCT constantly would also mirror Gojo, bringing her narratively closer to her teacher after being the one most distant from him

Her Return

Why did Megumi say she was dead?

Theory: because Shoko told him that she was dead:

Because Shoko thought it cruel to keep the hopes of Megumi and Yuji up. She still wasn't finished to try and save her though

Shoko was afraid of the higher-ups interfering in her treatment after Yaga was executed

Having Megumi believe that she died also makes Sukuna believe that she's dead, which makes her comeback unforeseeable to him.

Why don't we see her in the flashbacks?

To keep up suspense. But do you know who else we don't see in the flashbacks? Todo. And that guy isn't even dead.

What is she doing now?

We have some possibilities for the flashbacks:

Learning to function under her RCT

Learning to function on Nitta's CT

Training/secret missions with Todo

Recovering with her grandma/learning to use new forms of her own CT

For the current fights:

She's waiting her turn

Popular theory is that Nobara will use Resonance on Sukuna's last finger. If she does this too early, she will explode. My favorite way for her to do this is like this:

Utahime and Gramps will enhance her CT and she will attack Sukuna's finger right at the moment when Sukuna attacks Yuji to kill him, mirroring the Mahito scene.

Which are the instances where her death wasn't made explicit?

We never saw her corpse

She wasn't at the airport

No one talked to Gojo about her death, they only talked about Nanami

Only Megumi and Yuji talk about her death. The second and last time about Hana potentially replacing her

I think this is about it about Nobara's Return. If you have questions, I will answer.

...

I lied.

There is a way to heal Nobara.

And the person who's going to do that is Megumi.

Megumi will have to infuse one of his shikigami with Mahoraga's Adaptation ability

The Adaptation doesn't happen with CTs, it happens with phenomena

A transfigured body and soul is a phenomenon

After the adaptation, Megumi can order his shikigami to reshape or reverse the transfiguration

This Adaptation to Idle Transfiguration also has a second use: stopping the merger (or reversing it).

Kenjaku used Mahito's IT to change Tengen's barriers. If I remember correctly, he will use IT again in the future or the effects of IT will be relevant later on. And that's when Megumi will have his biggest role.

[espectroshifting]

I Shifted

Sit down...you're sat? Ok lets go.

I've shifted, yeah, crazy right? This isn't my first time, but it is the first time this has happened in a reality similar to the DR I had written in the first place. Obviously it was for Maze Runner, that's the most recent DR that I wrote and was obsessed with, and it was different from any other DR because of: the only thing that told me that place wasn't my DR was an oddity about the sky, I don't even know what, but I trusted that I was right. But let's get to the point, this story is going to be a bit long but I don't want you guys to miss any details:

Then the commotion began, the boys were as confused as I was about what the "breeders" were thinking by sending a girl to the Glade and what they would do about me. Gally was bewildered for a while but soon shouted for everyone to shut up, he saw that the noise and whispering were only making me more and more panic, so he approached: —Calm calm…I'm going to get you out of there, okay?— Then he grabbed me by the arms and sat me down outside the box, on the grass, before going back to remove the items that were sent with me.

He seemed to trust that I wouldn't try something, maybe because of my panicked face, I couldn't disappoint him…so I assessed my surroundings as best I could through the legs that blocked my view I saw the doors of the maze , I slowly got up and ran. My legs moved at a speed I didn't know I was capable of, I heard screams of excitement, followed by screams of warning, until I heard Newt shout: —Get her Minho!—

I wasn't going to look back, I knew that if I looked he would catch me, so I kept running, entered the maze, turned left and started running through the maze of high walls. I heard Minho shout from afar, something about not being able to be there at that moment I think it was getting the time when the gates were going to close taken by the fear of staying inside and ending up dead, I stopped running and came back, finding Minho as I walked back, panting and looking slightly amused. —Come on she-bean, let's go back— and I followed him back to the Glade.

I came back calmer and somewhat refreshed from the little run, I was fine until I turned the corner and came across the group of Gladers waiting for me at the entrance, most of them confused and a little scared that maybe Minho hadn't caught up with me, but it was the look from Thomas, Newt and Gally that made me quickly regret running away. Minho walked past them with a "mission accomplished" attitude and moved away from the crowd, who were ready to see me get scolded, and Thomas was the one who started, holding me tightly by the arms and shaking me lightly: —What were you thinking when you ran into the maze? Do you realize how dangerous it is? - It was at that moment that I realized that he remembered that I was his sister, I couldn't defend myself, I was stupid and deserved that lecture.

But my biggest surprise was that I got lectured by him and Newt, Gally who I expected most of the yelling to come from just stared at me with deadly hatred while the other two boys yelled at me. —Well Thomas, it's your fault, you couldn't stop her from getting in there!— and I was totally surprised, because I don't remember seeing Newt be that angry in the movies only in the last one and he was already infected so I was really surprised to see him not only scream, but hold Thomas responsible, who was my brother and theoretically should have stopped me.

Then they took me to MedJacks to make sure I hadn't been stung and only after confirming I was safe did they relax. I was sitting on the bed in the medical tent with Alby, Newt, Thomas and Gally staring at me. Alby said that I shouldn't have run into the maze, that I was lucky to come back safe and that this was an inflation of the rules, but he wouldn't put me in punishment, since I had agreed to return with Minho without causing a commotion, already that I regretted running away from them. I also think that internally he recognized my actions, I was the only girl among several unknown boys and I had no idea what could happen, he just reasoned and accepted the fact that caused me to panic I gave him a grateful look, I knew they were waiting for an explanation, especially Thomas, who looked at me worried and asked: —What happened and why did they send you here?— and that was the last thing I remember before going back to my CR.

Thats it guys, Im excited for more, still listening subliminals throughout my day and affirming "shifting is easy" "I keep waking up in my DR".

Never give up guys ৎ୭.

[tearueful]

HEY tell me about your boys oc

You've twisted my arm, LMAO.

Time to dump my brain. My The Boys OC is PURE SELF INDULGENCE because she's basically an alt version of Tea but what if The Boys? So you know, a cringe almost self-insert OC that evolved into her own thing in my brain. She 300% only exists to smooch Homelander but as of today and runaway story ideas, MAYBE NOT.

I've got this whole vague outline of a story in my head I've taken notes on and written a few lines and drabbles for, but she'll most likely just stick in my brain cause OC x canon isn't well received and I don't have the free time to RP her with friends like I'd like.

ANYWAY - This is LONG. So LONG.

Her name is Stray, which is super not original to anyone who knows my online aliases or the fact that the first version of my vtube character was named Stray but I like short aliases and Stray is as good a name as any for a cat-based Supe.

Her supe power is that she can shapeshift into any feline. House cat, tiger, leopard, and even prehistoric cats because I want her to lay on Homelander as a polar bear sized saber. THE VISUALS.

Like Doppelganger, Stray fluidly shifts between forms in mere moments but unlike Doppelganger, these forms are all Stray. She can't transform into a visual copy of say, your pet cat.

Like Beast Boy, her animal forms are coded to her colors. She's a calico cat (surprise, surprise) if she's a house cat. A golden tabby coated tiger if she's a tiger. Basically all coat colors try to mimic orange, brown, white to some degree. If she's a lioness, it's a richer orangy hue instead of tawny.

I'd have to pin down the exact colors and make a coat pattern chart, but basically every coat is a little off on what the default is for wild cats. Enough to make you go, 'hmm that seems odd' more than seeing a big cat in a weird spot would. The other thing that's constant is her eye color, same green eyes in all forms. So her hair color / skin color reflect her cat coat patterns and her eye color is consistent, basically.

The main perk is that her supe power scales with form. She's a house cat? Well- That house cat could theoretically blast herself through your skull like Jamie the hamster and come out fine on the other side. This scales, so you get a jaguar biting you it's no longer a 1,500 PSI bite but idfk, biting through steel beams. The bigger Stray is, the more durable and the more damage she can do. Get her big enough and she could bite through Homelander's limbs. :D

The downsides are:

Stray is a perfectly normal, squishy person when not in a feline form. Very fragile, don't let near other Supes when she's a person.

She can't stay in feline form forever. Like Doppelganger, it hurts if she keeps a form for too long but she's been trained (forced) to endure it. After 24 hours, she starts to become debilitated from the pain but can push on depending on desperation level. Regardless, she'll be pretty useless quick.

Stray can be locked out of shifting or locked in a form with a metal band around her neck/wrist/ankle. Say, iron does it because uh- It's the most stable element or something which blocks Stray's atoms from doing whatever the fuck they do to reform her into various kitty cats. Having a power lock is fun for situations.

The backstory is that around the same time of Homelander's debut, Stan Edgar wanted to have a contingency plan. I don't know the exact timeline, but I assume Victoria Neuman was adopted by Edgar around that time as his backup plan for Homelander. Stray was picked up for the same reason, except she was more a creature to get locked away and trained to hate Homelander.

Her SUPER TRAGIC backstory is that she had a normal life, save for being a supe, until she turned 18. Then Vought snatched her up with the excuse of that binding Supe Contract, so her family was none the wiser that through daughter was shipped off to a lab. Meanwhile, Stray was fed some story that her family DIED HORRIBLY because of Homelander with her hatred of him encouraged subtly. Enough to make a bitch pissy, but not rampage through the lab. (That or they kept a bitch collared a lot)

Stan Edgar gets thrown in jail and Stray gets lost in the shuffle, forgotten for the most part until her file is dug up or The Boys are tipped off about something strange over in a SUPER SECRET LAB that Butcher is apparently good at finding, given how he found The Woods in Gen V.

The Boys get a new pet cat as they assume Stray is a suped up animal, since they find her collared and unable to shift. I get to write a few cute drabbles of Stray being tormented as people coo over her as a kitty cat until someone takes her collar off. Then the idiot is hell bent on revenge, which suits Butcher just fine.

She infiltrates Vought Tower by being picked up as a stray cat (haha) by Ryan Butcher. Cue Homelander having beef with a cat who keeps stealing his son's attention. Also, that cat keeps looking at him weird. More excuses to write cute fluff with Ryan getting a pet he can cuddle but can't kill. She chills in Vought Tower with Ryan, getting rather attached to the boy because he is SUCH A SWEETIE PIE.

Stray goes to chomp Homelander's head off eventually, hunting him down like prey and wrecking his shit because I just want to write Homelander being afraid. There's something fun about having Homelander hunted by a bigger predator, something primordial and feral. c:

Ryan intervenes before Stray eats Homelander and she pisses off for a bit. Also, probably dealing with a Compound V high given how much V must be in Homelander's blood.

Something something, Homelander researches the bitch who almost ate him. Figures out her weakness and there's probably MORE DRAMA with them fucking with each other. I haven't banged out the details but these lil shits will be toxic as fuck, but since Stray is a strong supe he'll want her for his supe army. Homelander even shows Stray that her family is alive and she's all, "Well fuck. Uh, my bad bro?"

Ultimately, Stray will waver between hating Vought for what they did, having some loyalty to members of The Boys for their kindness, but loyalty to Homelander and Ryan for similar. She's not a good person so she could go for the DESTROY VOUGHT or SUPE SUPERIORITY side on a coin flip.

She's just a character I want to put in situations within The Boys universe. (Sexual situations)

I want tiger!Stray sprawled out on the floor while Ryan uses her as a living lounge chair as he does his homework.

Bickering between Homelander and Stray. Stray being a VERY FUCKING ANNOYING CAT at Homelander before he knows she's a supe.

Therapy cat for Kimiko. 🥺

Butcher being a jerk and dubbing her 'Moggy'.

Stray leaving bite and claw mark scars on Homelander. c:

[cherrytea556]

Look, i rarely read fan fiction but from what i seen, they call shows like helluva fan fiction because of the set ups and its overall identity crisis. What i mean by this is that helluva has a lot of set ups that either don't pay off or are forgotten by the next episode as well as the shows purpose being all over the place.

An example of the set ups not paying off is the agents from truth seekers. In that episode, we see them interrogate the demons along with containing real footage of them that could've been released to the public already, potentially causing trouble to the i.m.p business and the characters themselves. Now, you think this wouldve been an important set up to expand upon and possibly create a well written pay off for a finale or something like that. No, the characters never mention it again and when they are in the real world again (Seeing stars and Unhappy campers), its never mentioned either. Now you could argue that unhappy campers had moxxie and millie in disguises for people not to spot them like the agents but the thing is....not exactly? That's only from theory, not an actual confirmation of this since its never mentioned there or previously. A set up is suppose to expand within its characters and world in order to create stakes and make us care about the characters and their struggles with this set up, how are we suppose to believe they care about the agents potentially exposing them when they never brought it up again with the agents now just being ignored like one note characters which would be fine (like the murder family from episode 1) if it didnt set up a potentially interesting conflict that would make sense for helluva boss and just do nothing with it.

An example of the set ups being forgotten about even if it presumably payed off is blitzo and moxxie. In the same episode of truth seekers, they open up about their feelings and struggles and blitzo in the end promises to be a better friend. But after this, we never see blitzo treat moxxie any better than previously, its just back to status quo like nothing ever happened. When your setting up characters to develop as a payoff, you have to keep it consistent to show that the character changed, to show that the payoff mattered. But when you pay off the set up yet proceed to revert it back to status quo, your showing that the payoff was pointless because why even add this plotline if the character learnt nothing from it?

And with its identity struggle, helluva isnt sure of what it wants to be. The biggest examples that come to this are exs and oohs and western's energy

Exs and oohs main problem is the balance of seriousness with comedy. One scene is of moxxie crying his eyes out while the next is of him having to hear moaning noises from his boss and ex shagging the shed. One scene is of a goofy ass song of chaz craving sex from moxxie as the next is of moxxie crying his eyes out before another tonal whiplash strikes.

Western energy also has this problem as well like stolas repeating sex jokes 3 times during the scene where striker threatens him of harming him and his family along with stella acting like a saturday morning villain tbh. Like I dont need stella to be likable, I just need her to be interesting and more expanded upon than an angry bitch. The show never even gives us a reason either and again, any explanation from the character is theoretical from what we've already seen from her which isnt that much because they arent expanding her character which itself is tonally a mess since the whole shows shtick is to expand upon demon characters as complex as human beings. It cant decide whether it wants to be a serious character driven story (with serious plotlines, character arcs, character expansions, stakes etc) or a dark comedy like the beginning (one note villains, villains/antagonists we never see again, comedy at supposed serious moments, the status quo etc) and it leaves the show to feel like a tangled mess wrapped up on what it wants to be.

These i believe are why people call it fanfiction from how those problems might typically come from that sort of place. You can argue that it shouldn't be the right term to use when describing problems like those or that those arguments aren't valid but insinuating people calling your show fanfiction is because of homophobia is kinda nonsense to me especially when i argue its more of the term 'woke' that makes more sense for insinuating homophobia than 'fanfic' because whenever a queer character is in a show or a show has somewhat queer themes, alt right content creators, news and the media would often paint it as 'woke', portraying it as propaganda/indoctrination just because of queerness existing in that media.

I am also saying this as a queer woman myself (aromantic), calling people thinking queer shows like helluva are 'fanfic' is thinly veiled homophobia isnt the gotcha moment you think it is either. It's just disingenuous and makes you even more stubborn/hostile towards criticism.

[scullysflannel]

Howdy, hope this finds you well :)

Just dropping in to ask, as someone who’s only up to season 5 of txf, what exactly is it about season 9 that makes it as irredeemable as it is? I plan to go up to season 8 as this show has consumed my life and I’ve done nothing but think about it since I started, but unlike every other season including the revival and second movie, I’m yet to find so much as a good word about season 9 and am morbidly curious as to how they managed to screw the pouch so completely?

Feel free to ignore this one though I appreciate it’s not always fun to talk about the worst of something you adore.

So the thing about season 9 is just that it's not supposed to exist and you can tell. I think there was some pressure from Fox to keep the show going (I tried finding primary sources on this, but googling anything involving "Fox" and "X-Files" and expecting to get info on the studio is a lost cause), even though the season 8 finale was written to work as a series finale, and even though David Duchovny had already made it clear he was not coming back for season 9. The writers' hands were tied in some ways, because they had to work around not having Duchovny after they'd already used up the best excuse for his absence in the books.

But (a) I don't think that's an excuse for the way Mulder's absence in season 9 is handled, which is vague at best and out of character for him and Scully at worst. It's very "out of sight, out of mind" in a way that especially stands out considering how present he feels in season 8. If it's possible to make a version of The X-Files that isn't driven by Mulder (either in his presence or his absence), they didn't find it in season 9.

And (b) the writers also seemed to be writing like their hands were tied when they weren't. The vibe of some of the choices made in season 9, especially when it comes to Scully's story, is very Eric André holding a smoking gun saying "why would Fox do this." It's like, "well we weren't planning on this, but now we have to do it to keep the story going." And the thing is that they actually did not have to do it. There's a bizarre desperation to the way Scully's story is written in season 9. Almost everything they throw at her is traumatic, but also inconsistent and confusing, which makes it all come across as kind of soulless. And it all builds to the most egregious example of "Chris Carter tries to erase the consequences of a story he wrote, thereby creating even more devastating consequences, which he will also ignore" in the history of the show. He didn't have to do that! Scully could have spent a lot of season 9 just being Doggett and Reyes' deadpan pal who does autopsies and it would have been fine.

The thing that "works" "best" about season 9 is that it's theoretically a fresh start, with Doggett and Reyes running the X-Files office: two characters who weren't totally new faces but whose dynamic was mostly unexplored. And to be clear, I think John Doggett rules. The concept of assigning the X-Files to Just a Guy Who's a Very Good Person but Would Rather Be Watching NASCAR is hilarious. I don't think the writers had the same handle on Reyes, but the two of them are interesting together. I will also say I think some of the monster-of-the-week episodes in season 9 (the ones that focus on Doggett and Reyes) are cooler in theory than the motw episodes in season 8.

But it's so rare for those episodes to actually spark. Maybe part of the problem is that, again, the writers made the totally unforced error to focus so much of the mythology on Stressing Scully Out when they could have been deepening Doggett and Reyes' investment in the X-Files outside Scully, which would also liven up their characterization and their dynamic. Season 8 (which has a lot going for it) can skate by on uninteresting motw episodes because Scully's arc in that season is so all-consuming it drives the story forward and makes it meaningful. Season 9 doesn't have that same emotional clarity, so even the motw episodes that have promise feel lacking. (There's also the fact that even if the writers had given Doggett and Reyes better material, they wouldn't be Mulder and Scully. But better material would have helped.)

There's also literally 9/11. I'm this far down on the list of problems with season 9 and I'm just now getting to 9/11. The X-Files gets its edge from its mistrust of the government, but they sanded that down in season 9 because it was so out of step with the mainstream American audience. Until they finally recommitted to critiquing the government in the (original) series finale, the show didn't feel like itself.

It's not even like the problem is the way season 9 ends. The finale is a mixed bag (it's part clip show lol), but I love the final scene, and in most ways it's a more fitting send-off for the show than the final scene of season 8 is. It's just that getting there feels cursed at every step. No one made it out unscathed. There's an episode directed by Michelle MacLaren (her tv directorial debut!) and written by Vince Gilligan, a Breaking Bad partnership for the ages, and even that's bad. Better Call Saul's own Tom Schnauz wrote an episode featuring Aaron Paul and I will never ever watch it again. There's something in the water in season 9. It's just not supposed to be there.

[crazychaoticizzy]

Cultural Differences Part 1

You and Armin get assigned to complete a year long project for your Cultural Arts class together. You never thought it would turn into this . . .

WARNINGS: fem!reader, Mexican!reader, fluff, angst, slow burn, eventual smut, college!au, modern!au, Armin is German in this, and they were roommates, trauma revelations sprinkled throughout, slight hints of racism

DISCLAIMER: the reader in this fic is written to be Mexican, however she does not have predominantly Hispanic features described (I think). Y/n can be perceived as anyone since I don’t specify, however just know that she is written to be Latina. This story is also very personal to me, as Y/n is based very heavily off of myself

Masterlist

AOT Masterlist

Word Count: 3.9k

“Theoretically, if you talked to your roommates about it, could I move in with you?” you asked.

Mikasa’s eyebrows furrowed, and she quickly finished her bite of sandwich before saying, “Yeah, I think they’d be fine with it, and it’d be fun for me. Why, though? Is everything okay with your house mates?”

You continued staring down at the Tupperware container holding your food, moving around a piece of chicken with your fork. “Yeah, we’re fine. It’s just a lot. Hitch brings by a new guy every night and tries to be as loud as possible to make Marlowe jealous. They’re also the biggest group of slobs I’ve ever seen, it’s disgusting.”

Mikasa hummed, bringing her water bottle to her lips and taking a sip. “Right, I forgot they were your roommates.” She set the bottle down, tapping the pads of her fingers against it.

“It also happened again.”

The tapping stopped. “Again?”

You nodded. “Floch misplaced almost five hundred dollars.”

Mikasa rolled her eyes. “Fucking Floch,” she muttered. “And you were . . .?”

She trailed off when you nodded again. “The first one.”

She let out an exasperated sigh. “Where did it end up being?”

“In his goddamn phone case. Why would you put five hundred dollar bills in your fucking phone case?”

“Because it’s Floch. He’s an idiot.” Mikasa shrugged her leather jacket off, folding it up and placing it in her lap. “I’ll definitely ask Eren and Armin if you can move in. I’m sure they’ll agree, so start getting some stuff together. I’ll talk to them about it later and get back to you, yeah?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. It’s fine if they say no, by the way, I’ll figure something out.” You put the fork you were holding down, closing the Tupperware container and pushing it to the side.

Mikasa was silent for a moment before grabbing your hand and giving it a squeeze. “I’m sorry this has to happen to you.”

“Not your fault,” you muttered. Another few seconds of silence passed between the two of you before you said, “I kind of want to cut my hair.”

“Really? I’ve been wanting to do that too, but I don’t know. I’ve been thinking maybe a pixie cut.” Mikasa played with the ends of her hair, running her fingers over them as if to measure how much to cut off.

“That’d look cute. You’d be super pretty with that. What about me, how short should I go? Maybe here?” You held your hand up to just above your shoulder. “Or shorter?”

“Well, you’ve always looked good with shoulder length hair. Maybe a bit shorter this time, though.”

You nodded in thought. “Wanna go get haircuts right now?”

“Absolutely.”

The two of you exchanged a smile, and for just a moment while you cleaned up the table you were sitting at, everything seemed to be just fine.

—

You never talked much to the boy that sat next to you in your Cultural Arts class—a class you had chosen to take purely on a whim. In fact, you don’t think you’ve ever exchanged a word with the blond that sat beside you. But when you entered class the next day and took your seat beside him, he couldn’t help but double take.

“You cut your hair,” he observed.

It caught you off guard. You didn’t really talk to anyone in the class, seeing as no one you knew took it and you were too nervous to start a conversation with someone, so it shocked you that someone actually spoke to you.

“Yeah,” you said quietly. You didn’t mean to, but it was force of habit—always talk quietly when meeting new people. You looked up at him, seeing that his eyes were traveling over your profile to admire your haircut.

“You look nice,” he said simply.

Your eyes widened slightly at the sudden compliment.

You thanked him, giving him a small smile before you redirected your attention to the mechanical pencil in your hands, spinning around the eraser.

“I’m Armin.” He continued talking to you. You weren’t complaining, but it suddenly felt like every beat your heart made was amplified. It was distracting.

You looked back up at him and smiled again. “Y/n. It’s nice to meet you.”

You noticed how pretty he was—how his ocean blue eyes caught the light and the way his golden hair fell over his forehead. His glasses were cute, squareish with a dark tortoiseshell design, sitting halfway down his nose.

His lips curled into a smile, and he nodded. “Likewise.”

He looked familiar. His name sounded familiar, too, but you couldn’t quite place where you might know him from.

Since your professor had yet to enter the class, you decided to attempt a conversation with him. “So how do you like this class so far?”

You’re not sure if you imagined it, but you could have sworn his eyes brightened just a little bit hearing you continue to speak with him.

“I like it so far. I looked over the syllabus the other day and it seems like the class will be going on a couple trips later in the year,” he said. He was facing you in his chair, his hands clasped in front of him.

“Really?” He nodded. “Wow, I guess that’s what happens when you attend a really fancy private school,” you reasoned. “Fancy school trips for elective classes.”

“Yeah, I think the trips are more for the people wanting a career to do with culture, though,” Armin said. “What’s your major? You look familiar, maybe I have you in another class.”

“I doubt it,” you said, “but visual arts. Film, cinematography, video, set design, things like that.”

“What are you wanting to get into?”

“I want to be a set designer or producer. I think costume designing would be nice, too, but I know I want to help with movies. It’s always seemed fun,” you said. “It’s not really what Paradis is known for, but the program here is really good. I’ll get some experience in the field before graduating.”

“No, it’s cool. I have a friend wanting to get into the same thing, maybe you know him? His name is Jean Kirstein.”

You thought for a moment, attempting to put a face to the name. “Maybe? I’m not sure, I don’t really talk to anyone to be honest.”

Armin hummed. “That’s fine. I’ll ask him later and see if he knows you, if that’s alright with you.”

You nodded. “Yeah, perfectly fine.”

A smile painted itself onto Armin’s features, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He was about to say something else, but was interrupted by Professor Smith walking through the door.

He apologized for being late, and continued to begin the class by announcing the year long project mentioned on the syllabus.

“You will be working with your table partners,” he said. “The goal is to get to know them and understand their customs. You are meant to learn about their traditions and heritage, as well as their own personal culture and upbringing. I don’t want something that obviously came from Wikipedia, every family does things a little differently. I expect to see that in these projects. At the end of the year you will each be turning in both a written essay and a Google Slides presentation about your partner and what you learned. There will be a rubric on my desk for you to pick up at the end of class.”

Professor Smith gave his students a couple more minutes to silently converse among themselves, most likely so everyone could begin basic introductions with their partners.

You turned to Armin, finding that he already had his head turned and was looking at you.

“It looks like we’re partners,” he said. You nodded as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He unlocked it, creating a new message box for you to input your number and send something. He handed it to you. “So we can stay in touch better,” he explained.

You took his phone, the dark blue case a nice, matte feeling under your fingertips. You quickly typed in your number and sent a quick hi , feeling your phone buzz in your pocket soon afterwards. You handed his phone back, pulling yours out and changing the contact of his number.

The two of you traded small conversation while you waited for your professor to continue the class. When he started talking again, you tried your best to pay attention to what he was saying (something about Egyptian pyramids, you think), but your mind and gaze kept wandering to the boy sitting next to you.

Little did you know that Armin was in the exact same boat.

—

When Mikasa met up with you for lunch, she started off with saying that her roommates were fine, if not ecstatic, with you moving in. Mikasa hadn’t explained your situation, only saying that you had annoying roommates, and they both accepted almost immediately.

You were practically elated to hear the news. Despite never meeting either of her roommates, Mikasa spoke the world of them to you. You could only assume she did the same with you, speaking to no end about some little thing you did with her roommates.

After lunch she helped you gather your things from your dorm. The two of you were able to fit almost everything into two large suitcases, a smaller one and a backpack. Mikasa helped you carry them to the elevator in the building, and pulled her phone out to text her roommates as you descended.

She talked to you about your room on the way there, mentioning that it was used as a storage room but the three of them had gotten it cleaned out quickly when they came to the agreement that someone else would be staying with them. She also talked about how there was an extra room, something they had discovered behind a wall after they had purchased the house, that they used as a studio for their interests.

“You can set your instruments up in there, if you want,” she said. “They should be fine since Eren doesn’t really go in there.”

Eren, as Mikasa has told you on numerous occasions, was the one constantly up to something. He was stubborn, and only stuck to his ideas with no hope of changing his mind after he made a decision.

You couldn’t remember her second roommate’s name for the life of you, but you knew that he was nice, more reasonable than Eren.

Mikasa soon pulled up in front of a small two story house in a decent looking neighborhood. She parked, grabbing her phone to call someone.

“Get out here and help us,” she said when the receiver had answered. “Y/n’s here, by the way, so don’t be a jackass to her.”

She hung up immediately after saying that. Right as you opened the car door and stepped out, you saw someone with brown hair jogging out the front door to meet you and Mikasa at the car.

He stopped next to Mikasa at the trunk, and helped her pull out your suitcases and place them on the driveway.

You joined them after looking over the house again. It was nice, a blueish-gray exterior with white trim. Nothing seemed like it was about to rot away or fall down, so that was a plus in your book.

“He’s in the shower, he’ll be out in a minute.” That was the only part of their conversation you heard before the brown-haired boy turned to you and gave you a small smile.

Mikasa ended up introducing the two of you, seeing as you didn’t want to initiate conversation and the guy in front of you gave her a side glance. “You should be able to do this yourself. Anyways, Y/n, this is Eren. Eren, meet Y/n.”

Eren gave a curt nod. “Nice to meet you. Uhm, do you have any allergies? I have dinner going in the kitchen and want to make sure you’re not allergic to anything.”

You shook your head. “No, not allergic to anything.”

You spoke quietly again, and you internally scolded yourself for doing so. But then you took his appearance into account and immediately stopped yourself. He was tall, easily one of the tallest people you’ve ever met. He also seemed to carry a lot of muscle under his white long sleeve, and his brown hair was pulled back into a bun to reveal the small tattoo of something you couldn’t figure out behind his ear. His green eyes were piercing, and you couldn’t help but feel he was staring into your soul, learning all your secrets, when he looked at you.

His presence intimidated you, and you silently thanked Mikasa when she told him to start taking things into the house. Eren jokingly rolled his eyes, grabbing one of your suitcases by the handle and wheeling it inside.

“Sorry, he can be a bit”—Mikasa made a motion with her hands, hoping the action conveyed what she was trying to say—“but I promise he’s better once you get to know him. For the most part, at least. Don’t worry, though, he knows you’re one of my best friends and wouldn’t dare pull what he pulls with other girls on you.”

She grabbed the larger suitcase and handed you the smaller one, closing the trunk and locking her car. She gently beckoned you to follow her into the house with a smile, and you followed her.

It was surprisingly put together inside. At least, for a house full of college students. There wasn’t any dirty clothing or dishes lying around, and everything seemed to have a place. It was a bit crowded, but that was likely because of the boxes sitting in the corners.

Mikasa led you to a staircase, where the two of you struggled momentarily to wheel your luggage up before realizing you could pick it up and carry it.

You walked down the hallway to the last door on the right. Mikasa opened it to reveal the sparse room, only being occupied by a bed without sheets.

“This is your room.” Mikasa stood in the center of the room and held her hands out as if what she was showing you was a grand presentation. “It’s a little dirty, but it’s mostly just dust. Eren should almost be done with dinner, so we’ll start putting everything away afterwards, yeah?”

You nodded, reaching behind you to bring in your other two suitcases. You set them in the corner, along with the backpack you had brought with you.

You could hear the shower going; it sounded like it was on the other side of the wall. Mikasa noticed you looking at one of the doors to your right and said, “Oh, that’s just Armin. He’s showering right now. There’s three bathrooms, one downstairs and two up here. The bathrooms up here are shared with the rooms on either side of them, so you’ll be sharing one with him, if that’s alright.”

The name she had said went unheard as you nodded, opening the other door to reveal a small closet with a dresser already inside.

You followed Mikasa out of your room when you closed the closet door for a quick tour of the house.

All the bedrooms were upstairs, you didn’t pay much attention to who they belonged to, but you could tell which one was Mikasa’s—the one across from you, decorated with a Twilight poster and some bookshelves, different knickknacks and book collections on each one. One of her walls was painted black, and had different pieces of paper taped and tacked to it. You spotted a picture of the two of you on her desk, and smiled at the memory associated with it.

She didn’t show you the inside of the other two rooms, saying that her roommates could decide if they wanted you to see them or not.

Downstairs, the dining room and living room were combined, two couches sitting crammed together to make space for the unusually large dining table—rectangular with six seats at it. Half of the table was occupied with unopened mail and other papers, possibly forgotten projects from earlier years, and the other was was completely clean.

It was a rather open house plan. You were able to see into the kitchen from the living room, and saw Eren moving a pot around and grabbing bowls from a cupboard. You followed Mikasa again, and opened the door in the kitchen she stopped in front of to see what was inside.

“This is the pantry. The washer and dryer are also in there, along with, like, other cleaning supplies and things we don’t really use. And then the other bathroom is in the living room,” Mikasa explained.

“Mika,” Eren started, sprinkling some kind of seasoning over the food he had made, “dinner’s almost ready. Go tell Armin.”

Mikasa gave him a thumbs up, telling you something you didn’t quite hear before going upstairs as Eren pulled out a spoon and started scooping dinner into bowls.

You had heard the name, and were trying to figure out where else you knew it from. Obviously Mikasa had mentioned this Armin multiple times in the past, but you swear you knew it from somewhere else . . .

Eren put the big plastic spoon he had been using back into the pot. He lifted a bowl and offered it to you. “It’s fideo. Mikasa said you liked it, so I figured I’d find a recipe and make it for dinner.”

He had pronounced it wrong, but knowing that he had tried to do something to welcome you left a feeling in you that you hadn’t felt in a long time.

You took the bowl, bowing your head slightly to thank him and set it at the table.

You turned back towards him. “Do you need help with anything?”

Eren shrugged. “Not really. I mean, if you want to grab drinks you can, but we usually just grab our own.”

You needed something to do—you would feel awkward if you were the only one at the table—so you walked into the pantry and looked around for a moment. You saw a few packs of soda on the floor—all packages of store brand root beer—and bent down to pick up four cans from the only open box.

You walked out and set them down at the table, seeing that Eren had already set the rest of the bowls in their places and was sitting down.

You sat as well, soon being joined by Mikasa. “He’ll be down in a minute. He’s doing his hair.”

You saw Eren jokingly roll his eyes and mumble something that made Mikasa laugh from next to you. You let out a quiet, nervous breath of air in a sad attempt to laugh at whatever joke they shared.

Soon after the three of you started eating, you were joined by a fourth person that sat across from you. You glanced up when you noticed him, noting the familiar blond hair and glasses.

“Armin.” You’re not sure why you’re surprised, you really should have put together that the blond boy in your Cultural Arts class was the same blond boy Mikasa spoke about. Despite that, you didn’t put together until that moment that they were the same person.

Armin glanced up from his phone, which he immediately turned off and put the the side face down. He took the sight of you in with intent, looking over your gestures as if he was trying to commit them to memory.

His blond hair was still damp, sitting on his head flatter than it had been earlier. His skin seemed to be glowing, and the white T-shirt he was wearing hugged his torso and arms in all the right places.

“Y/n.” He said your name in the same tone you had said his, with genuine surprise and wonder. It might have been your imagination, but you think you saw him sit just a little straighter. “So you’re our new roommate?”

You nodded. “Yeah. I guess this’ll make our project super easy.” You smiled at him, and he immediately returned it with his own, one so bright it would have lit up the world if everything went out.

“Oh, so you two already know each other?” Mikasa asked. She wasn’t oblivious to the way Armin straightened his posture after seeing you, the way your eyes unknowingly lit up after realizing he was your third roommate.

She suddenly felt an abrupt protectiveness over you. Mikasa has only ever seen you seem so interested in someone from the very start once, and that didn’t end well. Despite knowing that Armin was a nice guy, that if you two theoretically entered a relationship he wouldn’t hurt you on purpose (even if he ever did hurt you Mikasa knows he would apologize as soon as possible with the most personal apology you would ever see), the thought still made her uneasy.

She trusted your judgment, of course, and in that hypothetical situation where you and him were dating she trusted that Armin would be the best boyfriend you could have, but she knew your past. She knew your habits and little quirks. She knew how you acted and was worried that if anything grew between the two of you, you would just run from your feelings.

She just didn’t want you to get hurt again.

“Yeah,” you said. “We have the same Cultural Arts class. We’re partners for our project.”

“What’s the project?” Eren asked. He was usually unknowing to emotions the people around him felt, but any idiot could see the spark between you and his best friend. He didn’t know you as well as he knew Armin, but you shared the tell-tale signs of interest through the way you were sitting.

He, for one, was rather excited for what might conspire between you and Armin. Since his best friend’s previous girlfriend broke off the relationship, Armin hadn’t searched for anything romantic, saying things like, No one likes me anyways, why would I look for someone that’ll half-ass our relationship?

“Just to learn about each other, really,” Armin said. “We’re supposed to learn about our partners customs and traditions.”

Mikasa hummed, half-way through chewing a spoonful of soup. When she swallowed, she motioned to you and said, “You should tell him about your Quinceañera.”

“What’s a Quinceañera?” Eren asked.

“It’s kind of like a sweet sixteen,” you said. “Kind of. More like a wedding, really, at least that’s what a lot of people describe it as. It’s just a birthday party Hispanic girls celebrate when they turn fifteen to commemorate becoming a woman.”

“There’s so much symbolism behind everything,” Mikasa said, knowing you wouldn’t elaborate further unless asked the right questions. She knew for a fact that Armin and Eren didn’t know the right questions, so she ended it by telling Armin, “Her sister’s having one later this year, so be sure to ask her about it after she comes back from the trip.”

Armin nodded toward Mikasa, silently thanking her for the continuation of conversation. “Definitely. You have a sister?” he asked you.

You nodded. “Rosalina,” you said. “She gathered her court of honor earlier this year and asked her boyfriend to be her main chambelan.”

Armin had not a clue what any of the words you were saying meant, but he knew that he would love learning about the traditions you celebrated.

He was suddenly more excited for this project than he had been.

Ngl this is me writing for the fun of it. This is basically a shameless self insert so…

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Tag List: @kellzyy @slishyrats

<3

[ms-all-sunday]

yeah i think video essays are given an air of legitimacy that written blog posts aren't, regardless of the quality of the analysis. which sucks when you have a particularly poor video essayist who makes a video completely missing the point of a particular part of the story and just because they're a popular youtuber it becomes a widely held opinion. tumblr remains the best place for one piece analysis because it's the only platform i've seen consistently new and interesting interpretations of the original story.

theres a lot to account for.

from my perception of melontrees content, i dont think she makes the same kind of analysis i do. she makes very genre-focused analysis while I'm focused on traditional art analysis, (what did it make you feel and why) and there's summarization and analysis, which people get mixed up, even within the context of only-good analysis, things can get confusing if you don't know how to categorize one opinion and another, you might see them as mutually exclusive, when often opinions arent. even in the same kind of analysis, this distinction can be hard to make.

they don't even need for it to be a bad opinion for something to become widespread and a poor opinion, i'll give a theoretical example.

say a video essayer was particularly defensive about something they believed to be true: people would pick up on the lack of confidence and then the doubt the video essayer sowed, despite them having a fine opinion.

and then the narrative would become that doubt and people would become defensive and life would be a whole lot worse because it would become expected that you be defensive about this opinion. (which in my experience has never convinced anybody of anything anyways)

that doesn't help anybody, and the lack of confidence some people have in their opinions in analysis can become a real issue because it doesn't contribute well to analysis. that's the purpose of the formal voice in analysis writing is so problems like this don't arise.

having a varied amount of sources for analysis is key so problems of individuals don't become what you externalize when talking about it

im glad you think tumblr is the best. im happy to hear that. proud of behalf of myself and my peers and associates <3

[unofficialadamtaurus]

What entertains me so much is that the way Adam was written, they try to make it seem like he’s some manipulative mastermind who does everything bad on purpose, where the fact is he’s probably not even that old enough or smart enough to even be THAT conniving.

Yes he’s a smart dude, but it’s just hilarious where they act as if his behavior would be something you could never see coming, especially for characters who— oh I don’t know— HAVE KNOWN HIM FOR YEARS. I mean there is times where they see some parts of him.

Yet. Let’s frame this guy to be some kind of evil genius up until he somehow loses every ounce of respect people have of him (why? people shouldve known what they were getting into, he’s not that fucking secretive good god they would’ve known) and make him look like a loser who also loses every ounce of thought process he ever had.

Have him bee-line to death even though when the Hell has he been shown to bee-line for that type of thing. Like for example.. IMO him finding Blake at beacon was coincidental (prove me if im wrong tho, but also dont blame because its been 15 million years since ive watched v3)

How would his ass even know that Blake was there? Anyway that’s not my point. I’m not saying he’s stupid, he’s really not. I’m simply pointing out that the writers just loved to make it seem as if everything he did was some big well thought out put-on-a-list plan to have power.

Even though before he looked completely fine to be in the rank he had before.

You seriously had to make a whole fucking character short just to implement one itty bitty scene where it seems like he wants more than the rank Sienna gave him.

You had to make a comic to show how deep he lies to people, Like ok maybe that one is a little more solid than the character short but why not show that behaviour more? If he’s so important?

He’s so sadly one dimensional, not a character handled with care at all. Being a hatesink fucking blows.

Why create an empty villain with shitloads of meaning and character just to throw him away? AND HIS ARC AWAY? Could’ve made him with love. Most cheap moment of “anyway!” anyone could ever have.

Racism and incompetence are a killer combo, lemme tell ya.

"Haha Adam is such an incompetent angry and petty loser" and "Adam is a cunning charismatic mastermind who has spent years building up power and influence in the WF in order to launch a (nearly) bloodless coup against a leader who was also framed in the narrative as charismatic enough to overthrow the leader before her" could theoretically coexist in a better written story as a villain spirals, but this show is not that. Adam's "spiral" is more of a sudden nosedive. Hiding any justifications for that nosedive in supplementary material is like trying to put rebar in concrete after the fact. You just can't do it because those afterthoughts actively contradict what we were already shown.

It doesn't help the idea that Adam's supposed to be charismatic that his voice acting is so on-the-nose Bad Guy that you're staring at everyone else in any scene like, "Yo! Do something! He's clearly evil!"

He didn't even find Blake at Beacon, Blake found him. Maybe he was looking for her, maybe he was interrogating-to-death any students he found trying to find one that could point him to her, but she was the one that found him. He just noticed her before she could retreat.

[dryococelas01]

I am so confused by so many worm fanfic writers.

I had a hankering for a Cyberpunk Crossover fanfic (with any setting, not specifically a cyberpunk worm fanfic) for some reason, so I had a look for one. Saw people reccomending skitterdoc, had seen people in worm threads reccomending it.

The description (Taylor triggers, gets bonesaws powers, teleports to cyberpunk world) did not inspire confidence, but I liked the idea of someone from another world interacting with cyberpunk so I thought, screw it, I'll give it a shot.

Why... is this Taylor? She doesn't think like Taylor, she doesn't have Taylors powers, she doesn't act like Taylor.

I don't do much writing, but I always hold the view that when writing you should ask yourself 'what does this add to the story? Why is this here?' before adding any details.

And it's fine if the reason is 'because I think it's sick' for some things. If you're making a cyberpunk (genre not setting) universe and you want a cybernetic to be a laser hand because you like lasers, fine whatever. Enjoy yourself. You can even make it a key part of the setting if you think it through, like people have to get implants to protect themselves from both lasers and ballistics, sometimes there's a tradeoff etc.

But who your protagonist is is a key part of the story and merits a bit more thought, in my opinion.

And in this case the answer can't be 'because I like the character' because you haven't written the character. You've written an OC and stuck her name and backstory on it. If I write, let's say, a marvel/Magic the gathering story where Tony Stark ignites in the caves and becomes a planeswalker, because I like the character Tony Stark (I don't but this is theoretical). But then I write Stark as someone who is shy, never quips and is shit with technology, I clearly don't like the character because that's not the same character. There's shared aspects, but it's not the same.

And like, the cyberpunk worm story where a character gets sent over could legit be good.

What if it was actually bonesaw post-GM? Someone who's trying to be better put into a city and environment that encourages people to be as selfish as possible, and has a power that works amazingly with the implants and stuff in the setting. That could be interesting

Or if you still want taylor to be a protagonist, fine. You could have her post-gm, trying to adjust to a world that seems to encourage her to backslide to her warlord days as much as it can. If you want her to be a Tinker you can even bullshit it by saying that the khepri situation fucked her powers connection enough she's now a drones Tinker or something. I find the bonesaw idea more interesting but this hasn't got no potential.

Could even have trigger taylor transported if you want, though I find that idea less interesting.

It's fine to make the protagonist Taylor because you like her character, but if you then don't even write her character, just an OC with her name, I have to ask... why isn't this an OC? You could then have an interesting protagonist with the characteristics you want while still having taylor in the story.

This doesn't just apply to skitterdoc, I'm just using it as an example, it applies to a lot of worm fanfic and a lot of fanfic in general. But I've never seen a fandom with as bad a case of it as worm.

It's like it's reflex to have taylor be the protagonist, like there's no thought put into it.

And it's fine to have some characteristics of the character change if that's part of an au. Like if you're doing one of those alternative parent fanfics and taylors dad is armsmaster and you want to explore how her character would cha ge by that, then go ahead. But so many of these fanfics seem to just write a different character, slap her name on them, then not justify why it's a different character.

I've edited this part on:

I should say, I'm not shitting on skitterdocs writing or the writing of any fanfic that does this. You can do all this and still be a well written, interesting story.

It's just not a story about the worm character Taylor Hebert, it's a story about your character Taylor Hebert.

[purefandomonium]

Glitchy Red Headcanons for Connection

Thought I'd share some (mostly) spoiler-free headcanons for my Glitchy Red fic just for fun. With what I have posted so far these should all be pretty obvious, but there's a couple more things I want to hint at for the story. Some are just random tidbits that have no reason for existing other than just because.

In my mind, Red is something between a glitch, an AI, and a supernatural entity.

The longer a player interacts with the game, the stronger Red gets. He'd been left dormant for so long that when Leann found him, he hardly had any of his old abilities and was borderline an amnesiac. All he had at that point was his bitter hatred of players and the glitches. Her keeping the game on for so long has allowed him to become himself again.

The glitches he experienced broke him in every way imaginable. Hence the reason it takes him some time to snap into his real self.

Despite all his talk, he has no idea what he is or how he exists. He can't be bothered to care.

Theoretically he could be transferred into a PC or some other more powerful device, but due to the broken nature of his code and the fact he doesn't fully understand what proper programming is, it likely wouldn't end well for whatever he's put in. He's a stubborn bastard now so he'd be fine, but the computer would be bricked.

I feel like, just for shits and giggles, Red's "data" is this impossibly convoluted mess of code that is somehow much larger than it should be. He exists within the Pokémon Red cart, along with the entire game, and this mofo is like, 8GB of data by himself. Makes no sense. Something mind-bogglingly stupid like that.

There's more below the cut, and beware potential spoilers for stuff I haven't written.

Now for some fun ideas I have that I kind of want to do stuff with but I don't know if I'll include it in Connection or not.

Red is powerful enough to physically haunt a person. Only the person claiming ownership over the cartridge can see and hear him. Likewise, Red can only interact with them and no one else. He mostly uses this fact to stare intimidatingly from the corner of a dark room, a la sleep paralysis demon, or just watch them while they struggle to ignore his presence and go about their lives.

In the past he's gone far enough with this that he's tormented players to the point of people thinking they've gone insane. And they pretty much were by that point.

Red's other preferred ghost tactic is to swat things from their hands or wake them up in the middle of the night by prodding at them. Or screaming right in their face.

Unless the player passes the game along to some other poor sap, they'll be stuck with him indefinitely.

The game cannot be destroyed. It lets off major fuck-you energy to anyone who tries. Smash it to bits with a hammer? Lol. Set it on fire? Got any marshmallows? Throw it into a lake? Well, I'd almost say good job but did I forget to mention that the only other thing Red can interact with is his game? Whoops. Hope you don't mind him letting himself back in to give you an earful for throwing him away like that. And no, water can't damage it either.

This is of no deliberate choice from Red. He'd love to let the game be destroyed so he can stop existing in pure agony. The damn thing just won't die though, and subsequently, neither will he.

He doesn't really have anything against kids. Mind you, he doesn't like kids since he gained sapience, but he can tolerate them more than adults. At least children have the excuse of being naïve and clueless when they're breaking the game. Usually. He'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Adults who come back to witness the broken horror of the original game know full-well what they're doing and he can't stand it.

He won't do much to torment kids aside from his usual in-game antics. The adult players are the ones who get thrown out of bed at 3am or have their dreams haunted.

The developers were adults too so the hatred's also pretty obvious. He'd love to get his hands on them some day. He has a paranoid side that is whole-heartedly convinced they're out there looking for his cart, ready to erase him and be rid of the stain on their record.

It's been a while since someone last turned the game on. He seems to have a bit of reputation now.

Has zero concept of the internet but could probably figure it out.

He doesn't hate the new gens so much just because they replaced him. He loathes the fact that they are all genuinely better than he'll ever be. He and his game are broken, not good enough, and now that he has self-awareness he realizes he was never meant to be anything special. He was simply a stepping-stone, a learning curve meant to kickstart an idea. He was, isn't, and never will be anything more than that. His only legacy is how glitchy his game is.

He's very aware of the irony that the very thing that made him what he is, is the whole reason why he was deemed a failure by his creators. If you're smart, you won't bring it up.

I have more, but I think I should stop. I could talk about this little project of mine for hours. Or any project for that matter. If anyone would like to hear more of my deranged ramblings they're more than welcome to ask. 😅

[variousqueerthings]

Hello again!

Anon here, who asked for advice how to avoid River Song episodes.

First of all, thank you so much for your extremely detailed reply and all the work you put into it.😘

Wow… these upcoming storylines are wild, and reading about it made me cringe a few times. Also reading the summary of the events makes it look like the show’s focus shifted somewhat (more towards the personal/ romantic life of the Doctor???). But I’m sure that won’t be true for the story when I finally watch it, and it just seems like it now, because I read the summarized version.

I’m not sure if I already asked this in my original message… But, as you mentioned in your reply, season 9 is the last time River Song actually appears in DW, which seems kinda odd, given that they are married and she was foretold to be the most important person to the Doctor. Did they drop the character or the storyline??? Or is it still too early for their main story, and most of their time together is still a part of the future (of future seasons) ? Plus after reading your answer, I was wondering if the Doctor had time to get to know her as a person and fall in love with her at all? Maybe I’m thinking way to logical about a TV series “love story”. It all sounds just somewhat icky. Obsession turning into love etc.😕

(In the end I probably should stop guessing and start watching, with the help of your guide.)

And another question...

As implied, I haven’t started with s5 yet. So I was wondering if it would be advisable to watch the 60th DW anniversary episodes with David and Catherine now, given I just finished the Donna & Tenth Doctor arc? Or would it be too confusing without the s5 -s13 knowledge?

Thanks again for your detailed reply!

hello hello again!

I hope the guide is useful (I can fall into the trap of over-explaining that lead to a confusion for others, but hey, it's not for lack of enthusiasm that's for sure!)

I can tell you that there's a whole bunch of storyline that isn't related to the doctor and romance. there's some neat stuff with the doctor and the master (played by michelle gomez) in s8-s10 and I like about that narrative how much it throws itself into the un-nameability and complexity of their arc, but people can and do read it as romantic, which is totally fine. but point is it's far more open + the master and the doctor obvs have that... history

outside of river song, the arc of s5-7 isn't romance-based either (well, the ponds are romancing each other, but the doctor is kind of weirded out and/or curiously fascinated like a kid looking at bugs by the Rituals of the whole thing)

I think river song's narrative is over on the tv-show, because of how that final story in s9 ties it all together. there's this odd thing about the timeline of river song in her seasons where she talks about her and the doctor as if they're meeting backwards in chronological order (so for example at one point she kisses the doctor who's like "oh ok... first time for everything," and she answer sadly when he can't hear her that there's also a last), but this is definitely not actually the case, meaning theoretically she could come back, but if they nominally want to keep this idea of them meeting backwards, it's finished. it's doctor who though, and some characters come back after over 50 years off the show sometimes, so who can say

(I uh... personally don't think the doctor was ever written properly as falling in love with river song and that it's very creepy in its whole construction and that river song never seems to have agency in her narrative, right up until she gets trapped in the library for apparently all eternity to "save" her, but then m*ffat has had the doctor seemingly "falling" for a woman who's been into him since childhood twice now (girl in the fireplace), not to mention that amy pond -- while he does not reciprocate thank goodness -- also meets the doctor as a kid first and as an adult wants to have sex with them, so... that's just a weird thing m*ffat does a few times)

but you don't really get that narrative with the watchlist I gave you, because river song barely exists outside of narratives that are actually about the doctor (no really, she's almost always doing things because of the doctor, for the doctor, so the doctor will notice her, or talking about the doctor)/in which she's a plot-point, it's one of the reasons I actually quite like her final episode -- the doctor falls into her adventure, rather than her assisting his narrative (and it turns out the doctor knows next to nothing about her life, which is frankly another embarrassing anti-endorsement to this fuckn "romance") and that format... actually works for me, it's frustrating how it gives a tidbit of a story that might have been quite fun -- still not the romance though, go away

as for the last question: I know some people who watched the Specials before watching m*ffat or chibnall eras (I actually watched the Specials before I watched most of thirteen, just because I couldn't wait, but I had spoiled myself for the major stuff of that era beforehand). there is character development and plot and lore that gives the Specials extra Spice for sure -- I think the main thing that is Very Good in terms of going the long way around is that one of the core themes of the Specials, the doctor's sheer exhaustion and loss, is really felt a whole lot more, buuuut tbh, I think there's a lot of fun in having seen the Specials first and then going back and building to it, with the second time around being "ohhh so that's why- yeah, yeah this Creechur needs a holiday or something!!!" sometimes knowing where things end actually adds to the fun, youknow

but hold on, I'll ask from a direct source: @aq2003 you watched the Specials first and then went back to catch up, do you feel solid about that decision-making in hindsight?

(in the end though, seriously, watch the specials if you're impatient -- I don't subscribe to delayed gratification. get gratified in any order you want, that's more my personal speed, it'll be fun either way)

[singingbun]

Bleach series, in retrospect

It's been years since that manga series has ended. And only been recently since the final arc's first part been animated.

When I think about why I had a love-hate relationship with that series, I used to think the prolonged, dragged out fights was the issue.

But now, I realised that wasn't truly the reason why I found it dissatisfying. It's not about endgame shipping, its got nothing to do with short-awkward endings either.

It's more to do with story promises and pay-offs. Ichigo Kurosaki is a good protagonist. Believe it or not, Orihime is a favourite character of mine as much as I like Rukia. But, the problem I have was how their character arcs did not have the proper catharsis for every fight.

Ichigo, time and time again rises at the top, but will be humbled by stronger enemies. Hyping him up as everyone's trump card to each endgame of every arc. But that's the thing. In all arcs I've seen, I feel like his thunder will end up getting stolen by a side character instead of Ichigo himself. Every 'boss' battle moment, you'd think he won, and then the villain pulls the 180 and say 'Hah' and only to be pulled under the rug by the supposed side character.

This would have been fine, but, there was no catharsis to each win. The story keeps hyping him up, allow him to fall with grace and come back stronger each time he learns from it. But again, I get the stakes is necessary to make this fight engaging, but it feels dissatisfying when another character just steals his moment.

Then I go to Orihime's character arc. And yes, I will defend this lovely girl to the death, but I hated the fact that again, the story hypes her up to be stronger. And yet, in that promised cathartic moment for her to shine and overcome her shortcomings, the story plummets her and reduces her into someone to be saved. Now, if done right, theoretically it is possible to write these moments of weakness. But in this case, the timing is really off. Orihime's abilities was not used to its finest, and the promised moment of catharsis of showing us how she'd become strong enough to stand on her own... well. we all saw how that turned out.

So yeah. Unlike my really bad, toxic outburst of 2016 and my lack of maturity back there, I've reached a point of finally putting some bad opinions to rest. Do I like Bleach now? If I'm being honest, I don't hate it anymore, but I still do have some bones to pick with it. But that's not to say I'm still angry about it, cause I'm not, I've grown out of that. In hindsight, having to learn how to empathise with the context of its serialisation back in the day, I've come to accept why it was flawed and why it was written in that way.

It's all come down to it. I've loved it once, then came to hate it. But now come to respect it. Was it a disservice for me to hate on Tite Kubo for that ending? Yeah, that was disrespectful of me and honestly want to bash myself for thinking in that mindset. I'm super embarrassed and ashamed to even write that reaction I got from how it ended. (I'm so glad I don't engage on social media as often back then, I'd be dooming myself) I honestly hate how it takes me literal years to even learn from my immaturity.

With that said, I owe Tite Kubo an apology. But again, that's not to say I still like how it all went down in the story. I've come to appreciate it more, but like I said, I still have issues surrounding it.

That is all. sorry for the uber long post.

[puppys-rhythm-heaven]

puppy guess what i got megamix on an emulator so now i can actually play a rhythm heaven game for the first time in my life :D - i’d like to thank you for being my biggest inspiration through all of your rhythm heaven posting

oh nice! how're you liking it so far? personally megamix is my least favorite but that's mostly because of process elimination and the weird choices they made (the game choices,,, the order of games,,, the story,,, THE MASSACRE OF RHYTHM RALLY-), and honestly it's not that big of a deal if it's the first game you played since most of those problems are just in comparison with the other games.

and that second part (the fact i'm an inspiration to you through my rhythm heaven posting) made me internally keysmash slkslfis-

,,, i suck at answering asks (especially right now, i slept in until like 3:39 in the afternoon yet i'm still tired) but uh. i hope you're enjoying the game!

[coruscantguard]

FoxQuin Week, Day 1

Written for the alt prompt, "Groundhog Day"

Warning for implied mind control & vague references to state violence

@foxquinweek

(Ao3 Link)

Fox wakes up on a Taungsday.

Again, and again, and again.

It's fine the first time. It's weird, memorable— the kind of story no one at 79's would believe— the second time. It starts to get annoying the third time.

[[MORE]]

The fourth time is when it starts to set in. The fourth time is when he starts to get pissed. Apathy has been a constant companion for months now— the kind of apathy that comes from all-encompassing despair and hopelessness and helplessness (to which Fox would never admit to ever feeling)— so having anger at his side, for once, is a nice change. It lights a fire under him that reminds him of the earlier months of the war, back when he cared. Back when he didn't know better.

(Here's a secret he'll only admit in the safety of his own mind: he still does care, even though it would be so much easier if he didn't. Because if he didn't care, he wouldn't need the apathy he wears as a shield, wouldn't need to wield the sword of indifference that he does.)

The irritation scratches at his skin during day four. It evolves into a firey heat on day five, one that threatens to burn him on day six.

On day seven, he runs into Quinlan.

Quinlan Vos is what Fox would describe as on a good day as a pain in the ass, and on a bad day as his punishment for... fuck if he knows, honestly. There's a whole list of bullshit he's done at the Chancellor's command that Quinlan could be a punishment for. If asked to make that theoretical list, Fox would need the asker to clarify if they wanted it in chronological or alphabetical order, because the list is just that long. And then he'd need to clarify that this list probably isn't actually exhaustive, because half the time the shit he did is so brain-numbingly slow that he forgets it.

(At least, he thinks that's why he forgets it. Maybe. Probably.)

But that's irrelevant on day seven, because on day seven, Fox says kark it, and abandons his post to go marching up the steps of the Jedi Temple, and metaphorically— or literally, if necessary— bang at their door and demand someone come put and explain what the kriff is going on.

He's halfway up said stairs when he runs into Quinlan.

And Quinlan looks— rough. To put it mildly. He's thinner than he was last time Fox saw him, eyes more hollow, and something that's not quite concern tightens up in Fox's chest.

The thing about Quinlan Vos is that Fox hasn't seen him on the streets in a... while. And he wouldn't say that he's been worried, because if he had the energy to worry about anyone, it would go straight to worrying about his brothers, but he has... noticed it. Noted it, too. Mentioned it to the Guards that patrol Quinlan's usual haunts, ordered them to keep an eye our for anything unusual.

The relief he feels at seeing Quinlan alive and well, however, is concerning. His relief ought to be strictly professional, strictly the relief that comes with knowing that a useful operative is not in enemy hands.

He'll... examine that later.

"Fox!" Quinlan says, just as friendly as ever. His grin would be infectious, if Fox was anyone else except for who he is, but Fox is Fox, so it's not.

"General Vos," he greets, knowing how much Quinlan hates the title, anticipating the wince that comes with the greeting. It's... more amusing than it should be.

And he hates to throw something on Quinlan's shoulders so quickly after that, hates to throw something on his shoulders when he looks so tired, but— this is his best chance to get into the Temple. This is his best chance to get help.

"I need your help." The words almost hurt to get out, and Fox winces as he says them, but— it's true. He does.

Quinlan's eyes sharpen immediately, and Fox can practically see him shifting into professional Jedi mode, even as he keeps his tone laid back.

"What's up?"

"Can we talk inside?"

Quinlan nods, steps to the side. "After you."

Thank kark. Thank karking kark. That alone is enough to help Fox breathe a little easier.

Maybe they will figure this out.