#(that might *still* qualify as ‘a trans way’ but I do not have the emotional stability to unpack THAT)

[the-old-man-has-the-phonebox]

People are like “bro I love TADC but it would suck to actually be in it. I’d hate forgetting my past and my name and everything”

Me, with a shitty enough life that I wouldn’t be opposed to losing my memories and life in the real world so I can reinvent my entire being in a fun circus world:

[tigger8900]

Pageboy, by Elliot Page

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

Elliot Page's memoir, told in nonlinear format, covers topics ranging all the way from his emotionally-exhausting childhood in Nova Scotia to the fallout of his coming out publicly as trans at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic. A unique blend of queer and celebrity memoir, we follow Page as he explains how his identities as both a queer person and as a boy(later a man) being forced into a straight, feminine role both on- and off-screen put him in a position of constant crisis. Something had to give, and it did, first in 2014 when he came out as queer and again in 2020 when he came out as trans.

As far as the queer memoir side of things go, this was a satisfying, illuminating read. Obviously Page's experience isn't everybody's experience. He admits that he's privileged in many ways, but he isn't ashamed — nor should he be — in recounting his lived experiences. I was particularly interested in his depiction of life as a closeted queer person, secretly dating women while working in the film industry, as well as how his childhood experiences shaped how he interacted with the world as an adult. I would caution readers that there are many passages — particular pertaining to sexual assault and gender dysphoria — that read as incompletely-processed trauma. There's not a lot of shielding on the emotions. Page provides content warnings at the front of the book, so please, take them seriously.

For the celebrity side of things, I don't really feel qualified to judge. I primarily know Page from his activism, and also I watched Juno one time(hell of a first date movie, let me tell you). So mostly I was interested in how the celebrity stuff interacted with the queer stuff, and all the names just washed over me. The experience worked for me, but I can also understand someone who might want more anchoring being frustrated at the lack of explanation of who most of these people were. And of course there was the obligatory discretion, where "a member of crew" or "an acquaintance" did horrible things. I have no idea who those people were. In a way, the facelessness works. They could be anybody and we wouldn't know, which is the reality, since we know the list of people who have faced consequences for their behavior is woefully limited.

I personally loved the nonlinear format. The chapters are each gathered around a theme, concept, or state of mind, though it's not always obvious when you start off. Sometimes I had to flip back through, looking at the chapter title, before I spotted the connection and understood why the things were arranged the way they were. Another thing that will bother some people is Page's writing style. He frequently emphasizes or describes by stringing together several short sentence fragments. Distinct, painting a picture, individually striking. While Page is guilty of blatant comma abuse, I actually liked it. But I completely understand why it made some readers' skin crawl.

Important question time: do the dogs die? Only the mildest of spoilers ahead. Page owns two dogs over the course of the book. The first is alluded to as passing offscreen, and the second is still alive and well as if the end of the book.

[wetwareproblem]

It’s me again, from your last ask. I saw your response.

The definition of empathy is the capacity to understand OR feel someone else’s perspective. You don’t have to feel something to understand it, but it’s still empathy. That’s why I can have empathy for trans or nonbinary people despite the fact that I will never be able to feel their experience. Everyone is capable of empathy, whether they feel it or not, and it’s important to hold people to that standard so that we do not excuse behaviour that isn’t ok. I stand by what I said that empathy is important to practise, even when it’s hard.

Admittedly, I am disappointed that you are getting hung up on meaningless semantics to virtue signal instead of seeing the bigger picture. That’s exactly what I thought you were against in your comment, people flaming others for the sake of it. This is how we ended up in a world full of anger, and it will never stop until we all do. I take back what I said before. :/

Nonny, I'm going to try to say this very very gently, because it's very clear you mean well.

What we were speaking out against in that post was lateral aggression - lashing out at people who are not harming you and who do not hold positions of power over you.

We did not "flame you for no reason." Quite the contrary, we took the time to appreciate your message and support, but pointed out that it included ableist language that is used to directly harm some of us.

We did not insult, attack, or denigrate you in any way, shape, or form. We went out of our way to make it clear that we did not think you were a bad person, just that you had inadvertently done something ableist.

If your 'support' is so conditional that it can't survive contact with a marginalized person going "that hurts," then it isn't support, it's silencing.

It might be "meaningless virtue signaling" to you, but that's because you've never had people scream at you that you're a soulless demon who exists only to bask in the suffering of others because one of your clinical symptoms is literally "low or no affective empathy." You haven't had people tell you countless times that you're literally incapable of love - or any emotion at all - because empathy. You haven't had people try to get your kids taken away over it. You haven't seen dozens of people trading tips and tricks on how to best exploit your PTSD and trauma because those no-empathy fuckers deserve it.

When people say "empathy," without qualifier, they almost always mean affective empathy, not cognitive. Cognitive empathy either doesn't count, or (frequently) is framed as a tool of abuse and proof of our evil, when discussing people like me.

What's more, even cognitive empathy is not necessary to sympathy, compassion, or kindness. There are people I care about that my cognitive empathy fails completely on - I don't understand at all why they feel the way they do, let alone feel it. But I don't have to understand to trust them when they tell me how they feel, to care about their pains and joys, and to do my part to help.

You don't need to hold everyone to a standard of empathy to avoid excusing behavior that is not OK. You can just... Hold everyone to a standard of behavior. I don't need to understand or feel the plight of people to fight their exploitation; I can just recognize that exploiting people isn't okay.

You say you can have empathy for trans people, so let me try an analogy for you here: Would you walk up to me, a trans woman, and talk about how manly she was and how important manliness is to morality? If I objected, would you tell her that everyone is capable of being masc, and if we don't hold people to standards of masculinity, we'll excuse behavior thst isn't okay?

Please try showing that understanding you hold so dear to mad people too.

[sou-ver-2-0]

How different do you think Shin's character, or the story in general, would be if Shin had been a girl instead (let's call her, I dunno, Shinko. Souko can be her false name)? Obviously I don't believe it would make a /tremendous/ change to either the character or story, but it's just something interesting and fun to think and discuss about.

I agree that’s a fascinating topic!! At the core of Shin’s character is someone who worries tremendously about how others perceive them. Would the others perceive Shin differently if Shin were a girl? Would fem!Shin adopt new strategies to counter different kinds of expectations? Even subtle changes in the writing could make the story feel very different to us.

Personally, I’ve always thought that one of the best cards up Shin’s sleeve in canon is that he’s a man! Because we take men’s words seriously, even if they’re liars. If Shin were a woman, she might struggle more to be believed.

Before I go any further, I’ll keep calling her Shin, since Shin is a gender-neutral name. (That’s a plot point in the game! When the cast wonders if “Shin Tsukimi” could be the alias of one of the girls.) Based on my quick research, it seems like “Sou” is a masculine name. While “Shinko” and “Souko” sound sweet to me, I feel weird making up Japanese names, since I’m not Japanese. So I’ll keep using the original names, but I’ll try to be as clear as possible.

When I brought up your question to my sister, she pointed out to me that we could play this out in two ways. The first is the way you suggested, that fem!Shin pretends to be fem!Sou. But we could also do this the “Shakespearean way”; what if Shin was a girl pretending to be a boy? What if fem!Shin still chose to adopt the persona of the strongest man she knew, Sou Hiyori? This route would be especially emotional if fem!Shin were a trans woman or nonbinary, and still felt compelled to hide something essential about herself in order to survive. I don’t believe I’m the most qualified person to tell this kind of story, but that premise sounds intriguing. The subtext of Shin’s arc is already about repressing your true nature; this would simply be making the subtext text.

(Obviously that type of plot point can be handled in bad taste! But I think it could be a thoughtful exploration of gender issues, if written well. The focus of Shin’s name reveal here should not be “shock value,” and should instead feel like the natural culmination of her arc—that’s how Shin’s name reveal already feels in canon, so the new sentiment should mirror that. I think it also helps that we have another trans character in Alice, who lives more openly, and would bring a necessary perspective to this type of story.)

But let’s go back to the first way that you suggested, that fem!Shin pretends to be fem!Sou. What are some changes we might see if our lying antagonist presented herself as a woman?

I definitely think her biggest disadvantage would be that we take women’s words less seriously than men’s. To use a sad example, I think even Sara struggles with this. Would the group take Sara as seriously as a leader if she didn’t have Keiji backing her up? I don’t think they would.

In contrast, Shin is a liar who tries to command the group’s attention by behaving outrageously. This is already an incredibly dangerous gamble in canon. It’s made even more difficult by Shin beginning the game with a timid personality. I can imagine Fem!Shin struggling even more. It wouldn’t be a tremendous change, like you said, but you could definitely play it up. Maybe Fem!Shin would need to rely even more on acting “cutsey” to get what she wanted, if folks wouldn’t believe her when she tries to sound confident.

Perhaps Q-Taro might even throw Fem!Shin under the bus in the First Main Game, like he does with Nao, Gin, and Kanna? I remember that my sister and I joked that the reason Q-Taro doesn’t call Shin “useless” in canon was because of the unspoken “Bro Code.” (In other words, Q-Taro wouldn’t target an adult man—even one as weak as Shin—because that would endanger himself too!)

On the other hand, folks might be more “delicate” with Fem!Shin, and less likely to threaten her with violence? That would be an advantage! I’m especially thinking of how the group goes on a witch hunt for Shin in the beginning of Chapter 2, and Reko says that she wants to beat up the “beanie bastard,” while Keiji says he wants to throw handcuffs on Shin. Later in Chapter 2, after Shin takes the Sacrifice Card from Q-Taro, Q-Taro “stomps around” in a rage planning to attack Shin! Would they talk differently if Shin were a woman? It’s possible!

The downside of men being “taken seriously” is that we overlook their vulnerabilities. Shin is frail, but this is mockable in canon because he’s a man. If Shin were a frail woman, that would be expected. I think folks would be more careful with their threats and jokes if Shin were a woman. This also ties into how people often don’t take it seriously when men are victims of abuse—something masc!Shin likely struggles with in his regular life, since being an abuse survivor is an important part of Shin’s character.

Being a woman could also subtly change Shin’s relationships with other characters!

For example, Shin’s power games with Keiji would look different. On the one hand, I could imagine Keiji trying to be “nicer” to Fem!Shin, at least in the beginning. On the other hand? We could make this darker. I could imagine Keiji flirting with Shin to intimidate her. But instead of trying to “push her away” like he does with Sara, he’d be trying to put Shin in her place. Keiji is a master with words, and he could use them to devastating effect to remind Shin that she’s a woman while he’s the man in control. (To be clear, there’s no reason Keiji couldn’t flirt with Shin in canon! I’ve even written a ficlet of this exact scenario that I never intend to publish. I’m simply thinking that it would appear more “normal” for Keiji to flirt with another woman in public, and Keiji is concerned about appearances in this Death Game too.)

What about Shin and Kanna? One detail I thought of is that Fem!Shin might feel a little more hurt that Kanna sees her sister in Sara instead of her. Masc!Shin can rationalize that Sara is a girl, but Fem!Shin has to rationalize even more. I started thinking about how Fem!Shin might worry that she’s too old or not pretty enough for Kanna’s affection? Personally, it makes me emotional in canon how Shin was sure that Kanna would pick Sara over him if she had the Sacrifice. We know he feels self-conscious about it. I like to wonder what his thoughts were. Fem!Shin’s worries might look a little bit different, even if they’re worrying about the same problem.

As for Shin and Sara, their rivalry would also look different, even if it’s subtle. Fem!Shin would lose the advantage of “being a man,” though she still has the advantage of age. Maybe Sara would sympathize more easily with another woman? Maybe she’d feel a little sad that Fem!Shin won’t join the group of “The Idiot Girls”? Or perhaps their arguments would turn even pettier. I do want Sara to still be able to attack Fem!Shin to try to claim the smartphone!! Just because you’re a woman, don’t think I’ll go easy on you!

Those were my main ideas, Anon! Thank you for the fascinating question. I did my best with it!

[dweemeister]

NOTE: This is the third film released theatrically during the COVID-19 pandemic that I am reviewing – I saw Raya and the Last Dragon at the Regency Theatres Directors Cut Cinema’s drive-in operation in Laguna Niguel, California. Because moviegoing carries risks at this time, please remember to follow health and safety guidelines as outlined by your local, regional, and national health officials.

Raya and the Last Dragon (2021)

As Raya and the Last Dragon, directed by Don Hall and Carlos López Estrada and written by Qui Nguyen and Adele Lim, made its theatrical and streaming bow, the United States was grappling with a wave of highly-publicized hate incidents towards Asian-Americans in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. This spike in racially-motivated verbal abuse, assaults, and homicides began with the pandemic and, frustratingly, had only been receiving national attention in these last few weeks. Despite the nation’s racist origins entwined with chattel slavery of black people and its continued unequal treatment of minorities including Asian-Americans, I am not qualified to say if the U.S. is “more” or “less racist” than other countries. But I can hardly think of any other people that interrogate racial inequality and oppression as much (and as publicly) as Americans – an undeniable strength. There was no way Raya and the Last Dragon’s cast and crew could have anticipated the film’s fraught timing, but the film provides a much-needed, positive, and heavily flawed, action-adventure romp drawn from Southeast Asian cultures.

The very notion that Walt Disney Animation Studios was attempting to craft a film using an amalgam of Southeast Asian cultures stoked my excitement and dread. Southeast Asian cultures – including, but not limited to, Cambodia, Indonesia, Laos, Malaysia, Myanmar, the Philippines, Thailand, and Vietnam – are often lumped into those of East Asia (China, Korea, Japan), which dominate Asian-American depictions or Asian-influenced media in the United States. What gave me pause is that Disney’s track record in films featuring non-European-inspired characters and places inspired by non-European cultures is mixed. Aladdin (1992) and Pocahontas (1995) are aggregations of (and indulge in stereotypes towards) Arabs and indigenous Americans alike, especially in their presentations of “savagery” (Pocahontas in particular is guilty of false equivalences).

Cultural aggregations in fictional settings are not insensitive, per se. Yet, Disney’s stated intentions on this film are undermined by a voice cast ensemble almost entirely composed of actors of Chinese and Korean descent – you can bring up Adele Lim’s response to the voice casting controversy all you want, but her response contradicts the film’s promotion. Amid its gorgeous production and character design, Raya manages to avoid the worst mistakes of its Disney Renaissance predecessors. But its hero’s journey is too cluttered and too littered with the anachronistic and metatextual jokes plaguing the last decade’s Disney animated features.

Five centuries before the events of Raya and the Last Dragon, the land of Kumandra saw its people live in harmony with dragons. That relationship, however, would be devastated by the appearance of the Druun – a swirling, purple vortex that turns living beings into stone. In the conflict against the Druun, the last dragon, Sisu (Awkwafina), makes a fateful sacrifice to save Kumandra by concentrating the dragons’ collective power into a magical orb. Soon after, Kumandra’s five tribes – Fang, Heart, Spine, Tail, and Talon (named after parts of a dragon) – fight amongst each other for control of the orb (Heart eventually gains possession of it), effectively partitioning the land. In the present day, the Heart tribe’s Chief Benja (Daniel Dae Kim) proposes and hosts a feast-summit to discuss and heal Kumandra’s divisions. Benja has taught his daughter, Raya (Kelly Marie Tran), the ways of a warrior and the necessity for Kumandra’s tribes to realize their oneness. At the feast-summit, Raya befriends Namaari (Gemma Chan; Jona Xiao as young Namaari), the daughter of Fang Chief Virana (Sandra Oh). Predictably, Namaari betrays her new friend in an orchestrated ploy to pilfer the dragons’ orb for Fang. Just as the Druun make a surprise invasion of Heart, the botched heist sees the orb break into five, and each of the tribes makes off with part of the orb. It will be up to Raya to recover the other four pieces of the orb, lest Kumandra succumb to the Druun.

The film’s screenplay is, charitably, a mess. Though Qui Nguyen (primarily a playwright) and Adele Lim (2018’s Crazy Rich Asians) are the credited screenwriters, Raya’s phalanx of story credits (mostly full-time, white employees at the Disney studios) suggest studio interference. Raya seems as if it is trying to cleanly differentiate certain tribes as based on a certain Southeast Asian nation. Instead, it comes off as a brew of mish-mashed parts (this problem extends to the otherwise stunning animation). With the exception of those from the militant Fang, the bit characters from the various tribes do not behave any differently from the members of other tribes. The partition of Kumandra, five hundred years before the events of Raya, feels like as if it had never existed for lengthy stretches in this film.

After Kelly Marie Tran, as Raya, narrates the mythology and history of Kumandra in the opening minutes, the film’s structure tethers itself predictably to the monomyth. The fracturing of the dragon’s orb into five parts sends Raya onto a tedious adventure: the physical travel to a new part of Kumandra, introduction of a sidekick (all of them are comic reliefs), an action setpiece involving a necessary assist from new sidekick, and the integration of that sidekick into Raya’s ever-growing party. Lather, rinse, repeat. To squeeze the four other tribes into the film’s 107-minute runtime and set up a climax and resolving actions results in a frantically-paced movie. Almost all of the film’s dialogue is subservient to its structure, the hero’s journey. This disallows the viewer to learn more about our lead and her fellow adventurers. In arguably the most important example in how the dedication to story structure undermines the characters, take Raya’s repeated mentions to her newfound confidants that she has difficulty trusting others. Six years have passed since the day of Namaari’s betrayal and Raya’s discovery of Sisu. How has Raya’s sense of distrust evolved over time, and how does it manifest towards those of other tribes? Does it appear in moments without consequence to her quest, in gusts of casual cruelty? In terms of characterization, Raya is showing too little and telling just the basics – a dynamic that also applies to the film’s most important supporting characters.

Ever since Tangled (2010), the films of the Disney animated canon have increased their use of metatextual and anachronistic humor (e.g. Kristoff’s comment about Anna’s engagement to a person she just met in 2013’s Frozen and Maui’s Twitter joke in 2016’s Moana that still makes me gnash my teeth when I think about it). Invariably, the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has seen its brand of pathos-destroying humor bleed into the Disney animated canon and Star Wars. Like so many films in the Disney animated canon, Raya takes place in a fantastical location in a never-time far removed from the present. From the moment Raya meets Sisu, the circa-2020s humor is ceaseless. For Disney animated movies set in fantastical worlds, this sort of humor suits films that are principally comedies, such as The Emperor’s New Groove (2000) – a work that owes more to Looney Tunes than anything Disney has created. Instead, Raya’s comedy will suit viewers who frequent certain corners of the Internet, “for the memes.” Do Disney’s animation filmmakers believe the adults and children viewing their films so impatient and unintelligent about human emotions? That they will not accept a scene that deals honestly with betrayal, disappointment, heartbreak, or loss unless there is a snide remark or visual gag inserted within said scene or shortly afterward?

Raya seems like a film set to portray its scenarios with the gravity they require. But overusing Awkwafina’s Awkwafina-esque jokes and a DreamWorks- or Illumination Entertainment-inspired infant causing meaningless havoc will subvert whatever emotions Nguyen and Lim are attempting to evoke. These statements are not arguing that Raya and Disney’s animated films should be humorless, that Disney should stop casting an Awkwafina or an Eddie Murphy as comic relief. Instead, Raya is another case study in how Disney’s brand of ultramodern humor is overtaking their films’ integral dramatics. Raya is noisy, clamorous – no different than anything Disney has released in the last decade, save Winnie the Pooh (2011).

Production designers Helen Mingjue Chen, Paul A. Felix, and Cory Loftis have worked on films like Wreck-It Ralph (2012), Big Hero 6 (2014), or Zootopia (2016). Each of these films feature glamorous, near-future metropolises or sleek digital worlds. Where the tribespeople of Kumandra might not be behaviorally-differentiated, the color coding, lighting, and biomes of each of the five lands comprising Kumandra ably distinguishes Fang, Heart, Spine, Tail, and Talon from each other. As if taking cues from the production designs of Big Hero 6’s San Fransokyo and, to some extent, The King and I (1956), it is difficult to pin down specific influences on the clashing architectural styles within the lands, in addition to the unusually empty and cavernous palaces and temples and varying costumes. As picturesque as some of these lands are, the art direction does not help to empower the characteristic of the tribes and their native lands. Nor does James Newton Howard’s thickly-synthesized grind of an action score, which prefers to accompany the film’s excellent combat scenes rather than stake a clearer thematic identity for its own. Howard uses East and Southeast Asian instrumentations and influences in his music, but, disappointingly, they are heavily processed through synthetic elements and are played underneath the film’s sound mix.

Character art directors Shiyoon Kim (Tangled, 2018’s Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse) and Ami Thompson (2017’s MFKZ, 2018’s Ralph Breaks the Internet) embrace the (generally) darker and varying skin complexions of Southeast Asian peoples. The skin textures are among the best ever produced in a Disney CGI-animated feature, and the variety of face shapes – although still paling in comparison to the best hand-drawn features – is a pleasure to witness.

The number of films starring actors/voice actors of Asian descent (all-Asian or majority-Asian), animated or otherwise, and released by a major Hollywood studio makes for a brief list. Raya and the Last Dragon joins an exclusive club that includes the likes of The Dragon Painter (1919), Go for Broke! (1951), Flower Drum Song (1961), The Joy Luck Club (1993), and Crazy Rich Asians (2018). Among those movies, Raya is the only entry specifically influenced by Southeast Asian cultures. Its cast may be headlined by Kelly Marie Tran (whose skill as a voice actor is one of the film’s most pleasant surprises), but most of the roles went to those of Chinese or Korean descent. No disrespect intended towards Gemma Chan, Sandra Oh, or veteran actress Lucille Soong, but the majority East Asian cast only serves to further monolithize Asians – as the amalgamated story, plot details, and production design have already done. I will not second-guess any fellow person of Southeast Asian descent if they feel “seen” through Raya. What a compliment that would be for this film. How empowering for that person. But the life experiences of those of East Asian and Southeast Asian descent are markedly different. Disney’s casting decisions in Raya – all in the wake of the disastrous Western and Eastern reception of the live-action Mulan (2020) – have revealed a fundamental lack of effort or understanding about the possibilities of a sincere attempt at representation.

To this classic film buff, the discourse surrounding Raya strikes historical chords. When Flower Drum Song was released to theaters, the film was labeled by the American mainstream as the definitive Asian-American movie. Opening during the height of the American Civil Rights Movement, the film (and the musical it adapts) looked like nothing released by Hollywood (and on Broadway) at that time. In that midcentury era of rising racial consciousness and the lack of opportunities for Asian-Americans in Hollywood, the marking of Flower Drum Song as the absolute pan-Asian celebration was bound to happen – however unfair the distinction. Even though Rodgers and Hammerstein (two white Jewish men who made well-meaning, problematic attempts to craft musicals decrying racial prejudice and social injustices) composed the musical and zero Asian people worked behind the camera, those labels remained. With some differences in who wrote the source material, The Joy Luck Club and Crazy Rich Asians have followed Flower Drum Song’s fate in their categorizations. Will Raya? Time will be the judge, the only judge.

Before time passes judgment, we have some present-day hints. Though not released by major studios, the quick succession of The Farewell (2019) and Minari (2020) point to an experiential specificity that Raya attempts, but never comes close to achieving. Whether through aggregation or specificity, Hollywood benefits from the perspectives of underrepresented groups. Widespread claims that Raya too closely copies Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005-2008) reflect that dearth of East Asian and Southeast Asian representation in American media. For too many, ATLA is the Asian fantasy. These simplistic observations and bad-faith criticisms (one could rebuke Disney’s vaguely-European princess films on the same principles, but I find this as lazy as the bad-faith ATLA criticisms) also suggest a lack of understanding that Asian-inspired stories are drawing from similar tropes codified by Asian folklore and narratives centuries old. If one reads through this reviewer’s write-ups, you will find an abiding faith in the major Hollywood studios – past, present, and future – to be artistically daring and to genuinely represent long-excluded persons. Many might see this faith as misplaced. But even in the major studios’ flawed attempts to depict underrepresented groups, like Raya, they concoct astonishing sights and form moving links to the cinematic past.

Assuming you have not skipped to this paragraph, the write-up that you have read may seem scathing to your eyes. Raya is no Disney classic – there has not been one for some time. However, I thoroughly enjoyed my first viewing of Raya. After a few weeks’ worth of keeping my agony private over the recent uproar over attacks on persons of Asian descent in America, it was a surreal experience to see even an amalgamated celebration of Southeast Asian culture. Over this last year, we have lost people and things that emboldened us and ennobled us. In this season of unbelonging and otherizing feelings for Asians in America, Raya’s timing is fortuitous. It is emboldening and ennobling.

My rating: 6/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. Half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found in the “Ratings system” page on my blog (as of July 1, 2020, tumblr is not permitting certain posts with links to appear on tag pages, so I cannot provide the URL).

For more of my reviews tagged “My Movie Odyssey”, check out the tag of the same name on my blog.

[transthaumaturge]

Ace Attorney and the Finally Kind-Of Okay Queer Representation

Note: This post contains massive spoilers for Turnabout Academy, the third case in the 3DS game Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies. There are also spoilers for a few cases in the earlier games. Please only read on if you’re okay with that.

I love Ace Attorney, but as a series it is fraught with bad queer representation. It really says something that the first queer character that I felt pretty good about was five games in. Most of this bad rep is in the form of effeminate, gay-coded men that are written as evil and/or comic relief. A brief rundown:

1) Redd White, the power-hungry CEO of Bluecorp;

2) Jean Armstrong, the cowardly café owner who lied on the stand (and who is repeatedly misgendered by the judge for comic relief);

3) Florent L’Belle, the greedy Mayor’s Aid.

All three characters are presented as a mix of negative stereotypes and bad-faith comic relief. They’re dark spots in an otherwise really fun series, and it’s made me very uncomfortable interacting with each one as I’ve played through the cases. I’ve never felt worse about Ace Attorney than when it’s punching down on gay-coded characters, all of whom were written with no redeemable qualities. I mean, two of them were the actual murderers in their respective cases! Honestly, it just sucked.

That’s why I got so excited (and also super-nervous they would botch it again) today while playing through Turnabout Academy, at the moment when one of the characters is revealed to be explicitly trans. I’ll go over the general facts and then discuss why this was a step in the right direction, but still very flawed.

In the case, Robin Newman is a high school law student and a close friend of the defendant. In the early stages of the case, Robin presents as a very masculine individual and even wears a chest brace that is supposedly proof of her manliness. This whole time, she’s represented as a very aggressive and unhappy person. But on the first day of the case, it’s revealed that she put on a feminine costume belonging to the defendant because she really wanted to wear something girly. When further pressed, she comes out in the courtroom and reveals that she’s actually a girl—the chest brace was hiding the fact that she had breasts, and her parents raised her as a boy as some terrible step in forcing her to become a prosecutor when she grew up. Afterward, she’s a very cheerful, peppy person and says that she’s grateful she finally gets to live life as a girl and pursue her dream of becoming an artist.

As a trans woman myself, I started getting really excited as soon as it became clear that Robin put on the outfit—and even more excited when it was finally revealed that she was a girl who had been raised as a boy. The first thing that tipped me off to my gender identity was wanting to wear women’s clothing, so this gender euphoria through clothing scenario was something that I could relate to on a deep emotional level. And while I got nervous at first because the blame for the murder was briefly pinned on her, that ultimately goes nowhere. This is the first queer character in an Ace Attorney game that is represented as kind, positive, and trustworthy. Robin is wonderful. I love her so much.

But now I want to dive into where parts of her portrayal are still negative, and how Capcom made several missteps that ultimately resulted in Robin not being as fleshed-out and three-dimensional as she deserved to be.

First, Robin’s reveal is still treated like comic relief at times. I was really uncomfortable when several characters said “he was a she???” or something to that effect. Given that “he-she” was once a widely used transphobic slur for trans women, it wasn’t in good taste. Also uncomfortable was the fact that as soon as the big reveal happened, she took on a bunch of hyperfeminine behavioral and vocal tics. The worst was when she started swooning every time that anything shocking happened for the rest of the time she was on the stand. It felt like this was just a way to play up the comedy side of “hey, she’s a girl now.” She was forcibly outed in the courtroom, and then magically showed no trauma or self-doubt afterward. It almost felt like she wasn’t there to be a serious character anymore. Later, she thanks Athena for outing her. I think that sends the wrong message.

What did the game do right when portraying her? I loved how visibly relieved and happy she was after coming out, though it sucks that she didn’t get to do it on her own terms. It’s later revealed that she had confided in a professor about her gender identity and had a plan to come out to the school, so that was a nice touch. I also really liked it being mentioned that she had been raised as a boy, removing most of the ambiguity about what we were seeing—that this wasn’t a self-imposed repression of her authentic self, but something that had been forced on her. They used the right pronouns for her throughout the entire rest of the case without slipping up even once, thankfully not misgendering her for laughs like they did relentlessly with Jean Armstrong two games earlier. She was also just a really pleasant character to be around afterward, so that was nice.

What would be on my wish list if I were asked to help in rewriting Robin to be a more positive example of trans representation? First, I would fix her character’s comedic behavioral tics. Most witnesses have some silly animations, but the fact that all of her tics after being outed were hyperfeminine to the point of parody made me uncomfortable. Are there other ways to make her a bit quirky and visibly feminine without punching down on her burgeoning relationship with her gender? I’m sure that there are. It would also be nice for her reaction to being out in public for the first time to be more on par with what you might actually expect if a trans woman found herself in that situation. She probably feels relieved, but also a bit scared, embarrassed, and hesitant about how she’s supposed to act now. I would love to see some of that reflected in how she talks and in how she acts. Maybe she’s daydreaming of what she can wear now that she’s out, and that’s interspersed with nervous hair-twirling and curtsying at awkward times.

I’d also like her to say something to Athena about how she wished that she wasn’t forced to come out in front of a bunch of people like that, but she’s happy that she gets to be herself. Anything other than thanking Athena for outing her with no qualifiers. The fact that she was forcibly outed needs to be portrayed as a traumatic moment. Sure, something good came out of it and Athena didn’t immediately realize that that’s where the cross-examination was going, but it shouldn’t have happened. An apology from Athena would also be nice. She should feel at least a little bit guilty about outing someone in the middle of a courtroom, even if that someone was much happier afterwards.

Finally, I’d love for there to be less ambiguity about the events that led her to this point—and ideally, something that more explicitly shows that she’s a trans woman. The way her dialogue was written, I think the writers were trying to portray her as having been assigned female at birth, but later forced by her parents to take on a male identity for…some reason. It’s never explained why they would want to inflict that on her. She’s trans regardless of her sex at birth if she was forced to live life as a boy for her entire childhood, but I think that it could be handled better. A few possibilities that I like more:

1) She was already in the middle of gender transition, and started wearing the chest brace when her breasts began to develop since she wasn’t ready to be out in public—especially to her parents, who might have cut her financial support off if they had known. After all, she was at a prestigious private legal school. That must have been a concern.

2) She was intersex, and her parents raised her as a boy when she was growing up because that’s unfortunately what happens so often with intersex children—they’re forced into one side of the binary or the other, and sometimes they find out later on that their parents didn’t make the right choice or that they don’t identify with a binary gender identity at all. Robin had breasts because she was born with both male and female sex characteristics, and try as her parents might to force her into manhood, she still had a uterus. Not every intersex person is trans, but plenty are.

3) Or just…remove the bit where she’s revealed to have breasts altogether, and keep in the fact that she’s a girl who was raised as a boy! Why does she have to be “a biological female in disguise”? While either of the above two options would have been good ways to explain the fact that she had breasts, I’m not giving the writers enough credit to have thought of one or the other. If they had, it would have been hinted at. On some level, it felt like they were saying “it’s okay everyone, she’s not really trans. Look, she had breasts all along!” If that’s what they were trying to do, then screw it; just change the reveal but nothing else about the character, and make her an unabashedly AMAB trans woman.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the topic. I recognize that this was super long-winded, but I needed to get my thoughts out—anyone who’s interested in this and got something from the long read, I’m glad that I was able to provide some insight. And I’m not even done with the series yet! Maybe they did do better! I don’t have my hopes up, but maybe! Anyway, please feel free to reblog this post with your thoughts or message me if this inspired any opinions of your own. As long as those thoughts aren’t “Robin isn’t really trans or queer at all.” I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Have a great day, everyone! And thanks for reading!

[nerdygaymormon]

how can i convince my parents that the church’s policies on queer people are harmful and unchristlike? i’ve tried to explain it to my dad, but he just doesn’t seem to get what queer kids go through on a daily basis. is there any way i can do that, or are we both stuck at a standstill?

You can’t make someone change their mind. Many members do not want to believe that the church which has brought so much meaning & hope into their lives causes pain to others. 

I think the most effective tool we have for changing hearts is for people to hear our stories. I still cry if I watch YouTube videos of kids coming out, I just can’t help it because their feelings are right there to be seen. How can anyone watch those and not understand all the fear and hope and worries and past harms that are wrapped up in the emotions. Who else grows up worried their parents might not love them? 

If your dad is willing, Richard Ostler has a podcast where he speaks with all sorts of queer people, some who are still in the Church and some who have left. Probably your dad would be most comfortable finding the stories of people who are still active in the Church and hearing their faith, yet every one of their stories has pain caused by the Church.

Someone on Twitter put together a list of all the things that Church leaders have said about LGBTQ people, but he turned them into “I am...” statements. This is what Church leaders have said about people like me. Maybe your dad can see that the messages I get at church are different from what he gets. Maybe he can understand why what’s said about me causes me to feel shame and broken. And the kicker is at the end, one, just one of those things has been crossed off the list.

If your parents know anyone who is queer, you could get a picture of that person as a child, and then have your dad say (or if he’s unwilling to do that, have him watch you say) the Church’s teachings to them, I imagine that would be difficult because we have a natural inclination to protect and nourish children.He would need to tell them that gay & trans people aren’t real and no one should use the word “gay” or “trans” to describe themselves. Your life is one big temptation or addiction and you’ve got to spend the rest of your life battling yourself. You need to be prepared to live your life alone, you’re forbidden to hope for love & romance, you won’t have a family and you’ll be lonely for the rest of your life because that’s what God wants for you, and then (according to Elder Oaks) you can go to a lesser kingdom because you don’t qualify to be exalted because you’re not married.

One of the hard things about going to church is the thousand paper cuts that come in the form of words. I’m always being put down in this church. Think of General Conference, queer people are not spoken of in a way that is positive or loving. They talk as if there are no queer members. I’m an “other” and a “danger.” This barrage of negative words gets inside of my head and lives there. With these sorts of messages, would a queer member of the Church believe that God loves them or that their life is worth living? 

Your dad may be determined see the Church as a beautiful tool that uplifts all people, and if that’s so, he may not be willing to process all the things you’re trying to share with him. Love him and be open to having this sort of conversation again in the future. 

[saywhatjessie]

TRC Exchange

This is my gift for @richardcampbells who requested so primo Gansey content! 3.7k [Ao3]

Gansey did not remember being this twitchy in high school.

It was difficult to remember ‘high school’ as this thing that had happened to him only a short year ago and not something in his distant past. He’d experienced so many things in the years of high school and also in the gap year since, it was hard to hold the memory of Aglionby as something associated with himself. He had felt quite different then.

Quite less twitchy.

Blue would probably take offense to the word twitchy. He didn’t think it was a slur of any kind, but it still felt like a word she would not-so-gently correct. Fidgety, she might say. Hyper.

Not that he was hyper, he just couldn’t seem to stop picking at the corner of his folder. Or playing with the zipper tag on his schoolbag. He had to admit, he did feel rather high-strung.

To be so far away from her – Blue – when they’d so recently been so close. Closer than close. It was mildly unbearable.

And not only her, but Henry who had been with them on their gap year road trip around the world. Adam, who was following his own academic pursuits but had been a real grounding presence in his Aglionby days. Ronan, who he missed like a limb and who’d worried him while he’d been away and potentially worried him more now that he was close but still extremely far.

Georgetown was not so far. Ronan came to the area every week for mass with his brothers.

It was enough distance for Gansey to feel it in the marrow of his bones.

He tapped his pen distractedly against his laptop, waiting for class to start and contemplating if he should send Ronan another text. Just to make sure he was coping. He couldn’t remember ever tapping his pen at Aglionby.

“Okay, class, welcome to BBH 251, colloquially known as ‘Straight Talks.’”

Gansey sat up straighter, taking a firmer grip on his pen to sublimate the urge to fidget.

“You can all put your laptops away, this isn’t that type of class.”

Gansey startled, blinking for a good few seconds before shutting his laptop and sliding it back into his bag. He wasn’t sure what kind of class didn’t require taking notes. His pulse jumped a bit in his neck, some predecessor to an inappropriate sense of dread.

“This class is about exploring intersectional identity, putting focus on privilege and invisible identities.”

And now the dread made more sense. Gansey was always far too aware of his privilege.

It would be absolutely heinous to have to get up in the front of this room and list out all the ways society valued him more than them. Looking around the room there were women, there were people of color. Students with pride flags on their bags and their hair dyed outrageous colors. There were students who looked like Adam had when he’d first come to Aglionby: hollow cheeked and broken down in a way that could only be reached by withstanding poverty. How was he supposed to come out to this class as a straight, white, wealthy son of a Republican career politician?

“The class is called straight talks because what we learn in this class, we carry over into other classes. We reach out to other classes and introduce ourselves with our full intersectional identities.”

The horrors continued abound. Gansey would have to do this around the entire university.

“I’ll start.”

Their instructor introduced herself as a white, cis woman. She was a lesbian athlete in her mid-fifties. She talked about the difficulties of being a lesbian athlete, how she suffered ageism in the gay community, and the stereotypes that come with it.

Braver souls than Gansey came forward and asked what cis meant. The teacher calmly explained that it simply meant “not trans”. Gansey hadn’t known there was a word for that. He hadn’t thought about the need for one. And that made him feel worse than anything. Because anything that wasn’t “other” was “normal”. What a terribly privileged thing he was.

“And now, to present more examples from your peers, I’ve asked some of my students from last semester to show you what a straight talk might look like. Ryann, do you want to start?”

Ryann didn’t look particularly bothered either way, but started on what was obviously a well rehearsed speech.

He was genderfluid, which meant he changed his pronouns regularly, but he told them all that at this moment he was a he so please refer to him as such. He was of Māori descent. He talked about what it was like to be underrepresented and constantly likened to Taika Waititi just because he was the only Māori person anyone ever heard of, if they’d heard of it at all. He suffered from EDS, which meant he had what was usually referred to as an invisible disability. In other words: people assumed he was abled when they looked at him since he didn’t need a wheelchair. At least not yet.

This wasn’t at all about Gansey, but he still found himself sinking slightly in his seat, the shame he felt by the simple fact that he had none of these additional social obstacles to deal with making him feel absolutely wretched and helpless.

The next speaker helped some. She was white and cis and able-bodied. But she spoke of growing up in poverty in the American south, constantly living in fear because she was bisexual and a woman. She discussed how she’d known more girls who’d experienced sexual violence than she could fit on two hands.

Gansey felt a little like crying. Actually, a lot like crying. But he was a Gansey and he would never show such unmeasured behaviour in company. And this was not about him. He would not make it about him.

The last person was agender. They were mixed race: what races, they weren’t even sure because they were adopted. They grew up in a wealthy family but lived in a community where they didn’t feel deserving of that station. Feeling undeserving was something, at least, Gansey understood.

They were also demisexual.

“So, demisexuality is on the spectrum of asexuality,” the person – Storm – explained, in a practiced-sounding way, but not like Gansey thought they were tired of explaining: they still sounded as if they cared deeply about this label. “Everyone’s heard of the Kinsey scale?” Most everyone nodded, Gansey maybe too enthusiastically. He’d read a lot of history when he’d realized Adam was bisexual. “Asexuality has that same kind of scale, ranging from sex-repulsed asexual to sex-positive gray-asexual. Asexuality is differentiated by the lack of feeling of sexual attraction. sex-repulsed asexuals don’t feel sexual attraction and don’t want sex in any way. People can still be asexual but have sex anyway for stress relief or for their partner: they don’t feel the attraction but don’t mind the act itself. Gray-asexual people can feel sexual attraction but only sometimes. It’s all very relative and, obviously, I don’t speak for everyone blah blah blah. Following?”

There were grumbles of assent from the assembled class and Gansey nodded distractedly.

What Storm (and that was another thing: Ronan would absolutely love the names nonbinary people chose for themselves when Gansey told him) what Storm was talking about with gray-asexuality sounded just like normal people. Not everyone experiences sexual attraction ALL the time. Then wouldn’t everyone want to have sex with everyone else all the time? That sounded extremely distracting, who would have the time?

And not everyone was in the mood all the time either. He was working to be really open-minded, but this didn’t sound real. 

“Demisexuality,” Storm continued, “Is on that spectrum. The important qualifier is that demisexual people can feel sexual attraction but only if they establish an emotional bond with someone first.”

And just like that, something in Gansey’s head snapped.

He shot his hand up.

Their professor waved him off. “We’re not doing questions right now,”

“That’s okay.” Storm said, smiling at him. Something in their eyes glinted in what Gansey thought might be recognition, even though they’d never met. “What’s up?” They asked, nodding at Gansey.

Gansey had no idea what was up. He hadn’t raised his hand with any kind of plan.

“Hello. My name is Gansey,” he introduced himself, because his mother always said that was a good jumping off point. “Demi is from the Latin word dimidius meaning partially or half.”

That probably wasn’t the right direction to start with, judging by the muttering and eye rolling from his classmates. Gansey felt his neck heat up but Storm looked amused.

“Are you calling me half-sexual?”

“No,” Gansey shook his head, trying to come off better. “I guess I just wondered how the leap was made from demi meaning half to demi meaning… what you said.”

“Mr. Gansey–” the teacher started again, looking a little put-out. Gansey guessed he’d probably said something wrong. Something offensive. Something condescending. He was good at that.

But Storm waved her off again. “I don’t know, man, I didn’t invent the word. I just learned it, same as you’re learning it now.” Their eyes flashed again on the words ‘same as you’. “I learned the word and I remembered every teacher I’d had a crush on growing up after they’d established a connection with me. I remembered the weird sex dreams I’d had about literally every one of my friends. I remembered how any time someone talked about having sex with a stranger I thought they were kidding because how could you feel that way about someone you didn’t know?”

Gansey’s hand gripped the seat of his chair, each statement from Storm triggering his own memories. How he’d never had a crush on a girl – a serious, Want To Do Anything About It crush – until Blue. How confused he’d been when Adam said he had more experience with girls, because he hadn’t, really. How Helen’s advances on poor unsuspecting men felt false, because how could she want to sleep with all of them? She’d just met them.

And he remembered the weird sex dreams he’d had about Adam and Ronan, even though he was straight.

At least… he’d thought he was straight?

Storm smiled at him in a soft, almost pitying way. “Any other questions?”

Gansey shook his head. “No, thank you. Please continue.”

It seemed this class may teach him more than he’d counted on.

His first order of business was to call Blue.

Both because he needed to speak with her about this new word he’d just learned and also because he had a scheduled call with her and also because he missed her fiercely.

“Have you heard this word ‘demisexuality’?” Gansey asked by way of hello.

He could almost hear Blue blink in surprise. “No. Where have you heard the word demisexuality?”

“I’m taking this Bio-Behavioral Health class. It’s usually reserved for at the very earliest second semester students but I spoke to my advisor about my apprehension regarding achieving the required credits for gen eds and she suggested combining requirements through some classes that might cover both. This class counts for gym and science.”

“So you’re not taking a gym class?” Blue hummed, mournfully. “No pictures of sunkissed Gansey rowing in the early morning?”

Gansey’s ears heated up and he cleared his throat. “Any photos you’d like I’ll take for you, Jane.”

Blue hummed again, self-satisfied.

Gansey cleared his throat again. “So this class explores identity and marginalization–”

Blue cut him off with a barked laugh. “Oh, man, I would love to watch this class react to you .”

“Yes, Jane, it was not very comfortable for me, aware as I am of my privilege.” He tried not to sound petulant but he was and it did. “But there was a student named Storm who introduced me to this new word. Demisexuality, I mean.”

“Okay,” Blue said. There was rustling on the other side and Gansey pictured her getting comfortable, sitting in the chair next to the table in the phone/sewing/cat room. She had her own cell phone by now – a fight that spanned weeks and several countries of their road trip – but she refused to use it to speak to Gansey himself, only saving it for calling her mother while she was away or to speak to Adam on the phone his own boyfriend had bullied him into accepting. He assumed she’d cave and use it to speak to him when she was away at school herself (her semester didn’t start until October) but for now they were relying on old habits. “So tell me about demisexuality.”

He began to talk through it with her, repeating some of what Storm said and drawing new conclusions and going so far as to pull a webpage on the subject up on his phone as he spoke, switching between reading off of it and putting the phone to his ear to hear her reply. He knew she could have looked this up herself, but he appreciated she was letting him tell her about it. Teaching her was the easiest way for him to learn himself.

She cut to it pretty quick. “Is that what you think you are?”

Gansey blinked, expecting the question, he supposed, but not expecting how it would make him feel.

“I thought I was straight,” he answered. Because it was true. Even if it was becoming less true by the moment. 

There was a rustling that Gansey recognized as a shrug. “Everyone thinks they’re straight until they don’t.”

Gansey blinked again.

“Thank you, Jane.”

Blue hummed. “I’m gonna let you sit with this. Call me back with any updates?”

Gansey hummed back. They hung up.

Gansey appreciated she wanted to let him sit with this – it was a kindness and potentially a necessity. He didn’t know how to do this, he’d never had a sexual identity crisis before.

So he called Ronan.

Who didn’t answer, of course, so he was forced to sit with his sexual identity crisis.

  He sat with it for two hours until Ronan sent him a text. “Dick.”

Gansey called him.

Ronan answered. “Jesus Mary, Gansey, what ?”

“I think I had a crush on you when we first met.”

Ronan choked and immediately hung up.

Gansey swore, growling, before hitting redial.

“Gansey, I swear to Christ,” Ronan pleaded.

“Shut up!” Gansey swore. “Please shut up. I am so stressed out right now, Ronan.”

Ronan, for his part, shut up. It was an angry and embarrassed silence, but considering what Gansey had just confronted him with that was understandable.

“I learned something in one of my classes today and Jane thinks it might apply to me.” Blue had said no such thing, but something told Gansey that Ronan would take information like this more seriously if it came from sensible Blue. “There is apparently a sexual orientation previously unbeknownst to me that describes feelings of attraction only when there’s an established emotional connection.”

Ronan was silent for a few breaths before he said “Okay?”

“So we were very close when he first met and I felt an immediate connection to you and I didn’t know how to process that outside of friendship because I’d never felt it before but now with this new term sort of recontualizing things, I think it may have been a crush.”

Ronan made a sort of squawk in his throat, reacting similarly to the first time Gansey had said the word “crush” but, thankfully, not hanging up the phone.

“Gansey… I don’t know what you want me to do with this.”

Gansey opened his mouth then shut it again. He wasn’t sure what he wanted from Ronan either. He didn’t know how to ask “Do you think I had a crush?” or “Do you think I’m not straight?” or “How do I restructure myself, how do I think of myself, if I’m not straight like I always thought?”

But that was an emotional burden he had no business troubling Ronan with. Gansey’s feelings weren’t Ronan’s responsibility. He had other things going on.

“Nothing,” he answered, quickly, attempting to brush off the entire conversation. “Just a thought to mull over. I thought I’d share. But, you’re right, you have other things to do–”

Ronan sighed so loud and dramatically, he cut off Gansey’s prepared polite change of topic right in its tracks.

“Gansey, it’s okay if you’re not straight. It would be fucking cool, actually. That means none of us are straight. High five for a perfect queer score or whatever the shit.”

Gansey’s mouth twitched.

“And if you had a crush on me that’s cool too.” He cleared his throat, his next statement coming out as a growl to cover embarrassment. “I had a crush on you in the beginning, too. So it’s whatever.”

Gansey grinned. “Oh, you did?”

“We are never bringing this up again,” Ronan told him firmly. “But yeah, man, you’re like the portrait of well tended youth. But you drove a fast and shitty car and smiled like a dork. I was sixteen, what do you want?”

Gansey’s grin softened. “Well, now I feel indecorous. You’ve had time to think about this. I have nothing prepared to tell you why you were crushworthy.”

“I don’t want to hear it!” Ronan said, quickly. “Tell me about the crush you had on Parrish, instead.”

Gansey sat up straight, very much feeling like he’d received a rowing oar to the face. “Did I have a crush on Parrish?”

Ronan snorted, cruel yet fond. “Of fucking course you had a crush on Parrish. Everyone with eyes and a brain has had a crush on Parrish.”

Gansey frowned but remembered again the inappropriate sex dreams. Then he blushed. Then he conceded. “I suppose you make valid points.”

Ronan laughed. “Did you get butterflies the first time he helped you fix the Pig?”

Gansey hummed, getting a little lost in the memory, before jerking back. “Oh. Have I been a little stupid about this?”

Ronan snorted again, the sound 100% joy this time. “Yeah, man. But that’s okay. No one can know everything.”

When Gansey was slated to present his own “straight talk” to the class weeks later, he was prepared. Not ready. Not comfortable. But prepared.

“Hello,” Gansey started, his politician’s-son smile on. “My name is Richard Campbell Gansey III, but I go by Gansey. The legacy in my family, so aptly captured by my name, has never been something I was comfortable with.”

Gansey watched a few faces around the room nod. Expressing that they saw him, they understood what he was saying, and they accepted it.

It gave him the strength to continue. He smiled a bit more easily this time.

“It feels overly boastful to list the ways for which I have privilege in this world – it was something I was never brought up to put a name to for fear of coming off ungracious or pompous. But putting a name to something is the first step to breaking down the social structures that put people like me so far ahead simply by the state in which I was born. So just because it makes me uncomfortable, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t say it. I only ask that as I go down my list, you all don’t hate me too much.”

That got a few laughs. Gansey sighed a bit in relief before steeling himself.

“I’m white. White Anglo Saxon Protestant, which is rather ironic as I’m deathly allergic to wasps.” Another laugh. Gansey took another breath. “I come from a wealthy family: what some call old Virginia money. I’ve never wanted for anything. I am cis, I am male, I am able-bodied – save my poor eyesight and previously mentioned bee and wasp allergy. Access to care for eyes and allergy has never been a problem, though, because of the aforementioned wealth. I’ve been able to go through my life relatively normally because of the wealth and despite what otherwise might be debilitating conditions.”

The bee allergy had killed him, once, but Gansey wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to get into that in this setting.

“I have a girlfriend, so I am straight passing,” Gansey continued, swallowing. “And, until very recently, I thought I was straight.”

He lifted his eyes to the class, hoping some of them were remembering his questions to Storm on the first day. Storm themself wasn’t there but Gansey pictured them in his mind as he continued.

“Learning about demisexuality has opened some things up for me,” he confessed. “I spoke to my girlfriend and to some friends from high school who are queer themselves and who I only recently realized I had had crushes on. They all think it’s extremely funny, telling me I was terrible at hiding it. And they’re all very excited to realize this gives us a perfect record of queerness in the friend group.”

More laughs. Students’ faces were very open and friendly. Some were still a bit disdainful – there would be some fights he couldn’t win, some people he would never be able to win over because they had suffered too much by people just like him – but there were people in this class who didn’t visibly hate him. Gansey grinned fully.

“I expect this discovery of identity will continue: probably until I die.” (Again) “And it was challenging to have to restructure my self-perception, but a bit thrilling, too. I thank you all for sharing so much of yourselves with me. I hope I can go forward in this life and take advantage of my outrageous privilege to do right by you.”

He glanced over at the professor, who looked rather stoic, but nodded once, eyes shining in something that looked a little like surprise and a little more like pride.

Gansey looked back to the class and nodded. “Thank you.”

He hoped he could answer questions – from the class and from himself – whenever they came.

[allthebest20]

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg

6/10, I enjoyed it and I would recommend for a nice, light but slightly longer read.  My copy was 395 pages, but it’s broken up into tiny bite sized chapters and the font is rather large.  It is a book narrated by many different voices, and although the story primarily follows one women, it ultimately tells a very heartfelt tale about the experiences of several women living in Alabama in the twentieth century.

One of the main character is Mrs. Evelyn Couch, who lives in 1986 Birmingham, Alabama, a year before the book was published.  Evelyn meets Mrs. Ninny Threadegoode at the Rose Terrace Nursing Home when taking a break from her mother-in-law, and quickly becomes fascinated with Ninny’s stories of life back in Whistle Stop, Alabama.  Through these stories, “the Weem’s Weekly,” and other people’s perspectives, the biography of Idgie Threadegoode is unveiled.  There are parts from different newsletters and newspapers, but the Weems Weekly -- run by Mrs. Dot Weems in Whistle Stop for decades -- is the most common.

Idgie Threadegoode was born in the early 1900s.  Although no one ever let her forget her assigned gender, Idgie was obviously a man.  How do you speak about a trans man in a historically correct way?  I think it would be misleading for me to refer to Idgie as he/man tho, because Idgie never identified that way, and it’s simply not my place. The Idgie character never seems upset that they are called a women, Aunt, or she.  But Idgie does everything that a man would do at the time: wore pants, hunted and fished, loved women.  Idgie’s barely even socialized as a women, since they declare their masculinity from a young age, and the family takes it in stride.  No one in their small town seems to object either.

In many ways, the book does not explore Idgie’s emotional life.  We cannot know whether or not being misgendered bothered her, because the author does not explore this.  Fannie Flagg is a lesbian, but a feminine one, so perhaps she was not truly qualified to write this book.  At the same time, the book would likely not have had such success had it been more openly queer or romantic.

The biggest problem I have with the book is the way the black characters are portrayed.  I don’t know exactly what I didn’t like about it, but I just tend to think that white people write poorly from the black perspective.  The characters aren’t one dimensional stereotypes, but they fail to be fully three dimensional at the same time.  I suppose many of the characters fail to reach a certain realness because Flagg never gets too close emotionally.  Like any classic southern novel, the anti-racism is snuck in mostly through irony.  In the twenty-first century, her attempts fall flat, but perhaps back in 1986, it could have been eye opening for some readers, I’m not sure.  Generally, Flagg’s black characters are stereotypes that have been fleshed out only moderately: Sipsey, an old black women who loves the white people and helps raise their children, Big George, the big dark one, Artis and Jasper, the twins who are dark and light skinned.  Flagg was obviously supposed to be making references to colorism in society with the twins, but sometimes, when Artis is cast in a particularly bad light, it’s hard to remember that.

One of the most impactful parts of the book is actually Evelyn’s story.  Through talking with Ninny, she begins to question her own relationship with race and men.  I think if anything was eye opening in 1987, it was Evelyn’s perspective. I feel for Evelyn, a 48 year old women who has spent her life in fear, always doing what she was told and not wanting to offend anyone, and then suddenly realizing she has been mislead. She knows nothing about her own health, which is a sad reality for many women, especially in that time period.  Ninny, even as she slips closer to death, is able to be a powerful, female role model for Evelyn.  As women, it can be really hard to age.  It’s always great to be reminded that we will still be worthwhile at 50 or even 80.

SPOILER: I also cannot believe that they tried to casually pass off human cannibalism.  Well, actually, I can, because I almost forgot to mention it.  When I read that part, my brain was just like “wait, what? okay...”  Like I actually think that might be racist, suggesting that Sipsey killed a white man and then Big George cooked him and served him to customers.  Did Idgie know?  Did the family eat some of Frank Bennett? That’s really pretty gross, and I wish they hadn’t included that.

It was a cute story, but also pretty sad.  Idgie lived this great life: she had the Dill Pickle Club, a women she loved, a family, and a successful business.  Meanwhile, Evelyn’s miserable, Ruth was abused and raped for several years before she left Frank Bennett, and Ninny was never even around for the good parts of the story.  Even the women who lived good lives, seem limited compared to what Idgie was able to do: a reminder that life as a women is hard work.  It’s caring for the men and children in your life for your entire life.  It’s staying home and being afraid. The book ends with Idgie still single, living with her brother.  Ruth and Idgie only live together for 20 years, and Idgie spends the next 40 without a lover I suppose.  Meredith says that how it’s like for a lot of queers down south.

Still, Evelyn’s story is supposed to be the glimmer of hope.  After meeting Ninny, she becomes a star Mary Kaye cosmetics dealer and goes to a retreat in L.A. to lose weight, where she makes a bunch of friends.  She gets to live her life, and she gets to be feminine.

[ringneckedpheasant]

answered a bunch of oc questions about Kiernan on twitter but I’m putting them here in one post for easy access later. very long post under the cut

1. How easy is it to make them angry?

Oh, extremely. Kiernan has really bad emotional regulation and struggles a lot with anger problems. It doesn’t take the form of him getting physical with anyone, and he rarely raises his voice, but he often lashes out at people and says things he regrets. 

2. Do they believe in soulmates? 

No, I don’t think so

3. Do they have any pet peeves? 

Most of the things that bother Kiernan are on a larger scale than “pet peeves” (Cassandra’s defense of the Chantry, for instance), but he has sensory overload issues and often gets overwhelmed and annoyed/angry when things are loud and he has no control over it

4. Do they have a happy place? Somewhere they go in their head to relax? 

I think the thing that brings him the most comfort/peace is reliving good memories with his sister, or thinking about being reunited with her once his role as Inquisitor is done. 

5. At what stage of their life were they the happiest? 

A lot of Kiernan’s life has just been varying degrees of bad, but I think the year or so pre-Inquisition would’ve been the best for him. He never really settled into Clan Lavellan the way that Rhian did, but he’d been there long enough that he didn’t feel like a complete outsider anymore and was working on trying to be more sociable and outgoing when the conclave happened and everything went to shit

6. At what stage of their life were they the least happy? 

Probably ages 7-13. Coming into his magic and being made more acutely aware of his transness because of puberty were both miserable experiences for him, and his mother made both of those things much harder to deal with. 

7. At a bar/tavern/pub, are they more likely to buy someone a drink, or have someone buy them a drink?

The latter, but it’s usually a “please stop brooding and come socialize for the love of the maker” type of drink, rather than someone hitting on him. 

8. Have they ever broken any bones? How? 

Yes, it’s probably happened more than once but I know for sure that he ended up with a cracked rib at the hands of a templar at some point.

9. Do they have any memories/experiences they’d rather forget? 

Honestly I would say everything from birth to age 13 qualifies for that. 

10. What is their favorite memory from their childhood?

In the little fiction I’ve created in my head Anders is trans and Kiernan and Rhian both met him while they were still in Kirkwall--the circumstances leading to it were less than pleasant, but Anders being the first trans person Kiernan had (knowingly) talked to, and the first person to show him that his magic could be used for healing and protection is probably the best thing that happened to Kiernan in his childhood. He also has fond memories of Rhian stealing sweets for him. 

11. Do they have a “type” they are usually attracted to?

I was going to say no but on further thought his “type” is, broadly, older men who are either very skilled at something or very dedicated to a cause/ideals, or both--he romanced Solas, and has also had crushes on Iron Bull, Fenris, and Anders (the last two being when he met them post-inquisition and was like 29). He Likes A Competent Man. 

12. Do they have any favorite possessions? 

Josie gave him a really nice bag as a gift--the kind that works kind of like a thigh holster--and he's had it for Years. I don't know if it was meant as a personal gift or just something she was giving her boss, but Kiernan treasures it

13. Do they have any tattoos? 

He has his vallaslin (I’m still undecided as to whether or not he would let Solas remove it), but I think he’d definitely want more tattoos. I like the idea of full body vallaslin, and that definitely would’ve been something he’d at least considered. 

14. Do they have any piercings?

No, and I don’t think he wants any. 

15. What is their dream house like?

G-d who knows. I don’t know if he’d want a house because of how long he spent with the Dalish, or if that would make him averse to settling in one place. I’m inclined to say the latter. 

16. What is something about them that people would not expect just by looking at them?

That he’s actually very tender-hearted. Kiernan has the worst case of resting bitch face in existence and he dresses in a way that’s meant to be intimidating and offputting. 

17. How good are they at choosing gifts for others?

Oh, very bad. I think he’s one of those people who will remember you saying you liked some random ass thing and then he assumes that if he gives it to you, it’ll be a good gift, but really you didn’t like it all that much and by the time he gives it to you it’s not really relevant to your interests anymore… he’s doing his best but his best isn’t that great

18. Do they have a certain skill that they’re particularly proud of?

Oof I don’t know. It’s not really a “skill”, but maybe the fact that he’s very Scrappy and more capable of holding his own in a physical fight than someone might expect from a mage. 

19. How would a stranger they’d just met describe them?

Kind of scary, kind of weird, has no social graces 

20. How would a close friend they’ve known for a long time describe them?

This would require Kiernan to have close friends, 

Genuinely though it’s hard to know since he never got close to most of the Inner Circle, and the person who’s known him the longest is just his sister. Maybe: surprisingly compassionate underneath his hard exterior, dedicated to his beliefs regardless of how they cost him in his relationships with other people, worth being patient with and taking the time to get to know, even though it can be an arduous process. 

[keen2meecha]

Novel Prep Tag: gifted

Thanks for tagging me, @aziz-writes! You’re a gem as always!

Note: I’m talkative, so most of my side comments are crossed out don’t mind me

First Look

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

After nearly failing the application test, a young girl rejected by a superpowered society for not having a superpower* of her own is accepted into Falks, a school that teaches kids how to be superheroes. But after an attack on the school nearly kills her and her classmates, she must learn to work with her new friends before one of her oldest friends is lost forever. 

(*’superpowers’ in this universe are called Gifts, and those who have them are called Gifted. The minority who don’t have Gifts are called Ungifted. The title is ironic and also a reference to a running joke Sofia has with herself)

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Novella, single book, book series, etc.)

It’s the first book in a series! Right now I have four books, but since I’m a chronic overwriter, that may or may not have to be extended to five books.

3. What’s your novel’s aesthetic?

Honestly? Aesthetics aren’t really my thing, so I’m not sure. Maybe soft warm colors, that surprised flutter in your chest when someone gives you a thoughtful present, the ache after yet another workout, that scratchy feeling in your throat when your right on the edge of crying but no one else can tell? This started out as a lighthearted superhero story I swear-

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

If you’re an anime fan, you’ll probably look at the general premise of this and some of the basic details of some of the characters and go “Wait a second, that’s a lot like My Hero Academia” and listen. I know. It’s not the same plot though, I promise! Really, at this point, I’d like to think that it’s undergone so many changes that the two are pretty decently removed, but *shrugs*. I’m not as pressed about it anymore. 

I was also loosely inspired by Harry Potter, simply because my book also takes place throughout a school year, so I’m using Harry Potter as a frame of reference for pacing (theoretically). That being said, trans rights and fuck JK Rowling am I right?

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for the novel

For the sake of saving space, I’ll not do that this go around. But imagine fireworks, a freshly brewed cup of tea, and an overwhelmingly expensive weight room and you’ve got a pretty good image of three important things in this book.

Main Characters

6. Who is your protagonist?

Sofia Smith! The Ungifted girl with a chip on her shoulder! Also an utter jock who usually wears athleisurewear and trust me, I’m as thrilled as you are about that. I don’t work out! I don’t even know what a healthy workout routine looks like! What have I done-

7. Who is their closest ally?

I’d say it’s a toss-up between Leona Kita, a girl she meets during the application tests who quickly becomes her new best friend and is not all that she seems, and Romilly Quirke, a teacher at Falks with whom she develops a close mentorship and is not all that she seems

8. Who is their enemy?

In the beginning, it’s Kyran ‘Kruze’ Cinege, Sofia’s childhood friend-turned-enemy. However, the turning point of the novel is when it’s revealed that while she and Kruze are always fighting (physically or not), there’s someone out there who’s actively trying to kill her and that person might be a more pressing threat than Kruze.

You may also see me occasionally mention The Prophet’s Daughter, who, like all of the important antagonists in this series, hilariously still doesn’t have an actual name. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

9. What do they want more than anything?

To become the top Hero it’s not bnha you weeb

10. Why can’t they have it?

She’s Ungifted, so no one believes she can do it. Not only that, but also every single other person in her class at Falks is highly qualified - they’re the most promising kids in the country, after all - and also highly motivated to do the same, so she’s got... a lot of competition.

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

That she can hold up the weight of the world on her own - worse, that she has to hold up the weight of the world on her own. Among other things

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

Not an artist, but I can freely say that Sofia’s face claim is Amandla Stenberg (especially Hunger Games era Amandla Stenberg because, you know, high school).

Plot Points

13. What is the internal conflict?

She’s desperately lonely, but to admit she needs other people is to admit weakness, and to admit weakness is to admit defeat - something she absolutely cannot do. I mean, not really and it’s okay to ask for help, but she doesn’t know that. We’re working on it.

14. What is the external conflict?

Sofia is fighting the entire world to become a Hero and also someone is trying to kill her and her classmates. 

Oh and each book revolves around her relationship (platonic or otherwise) with one of what I call the ‘core five’ changing and developing in a radically game-changing way. In this book, it’s her and Kruze struggling to come to terms with elements of their past and maybe overcome their conflict to become friends again...? Except their both stubborn assholes and have been fighting for so long they can’t remember how to exist in the same room without one of them blowing up eventually (literally, in Kruze’s case) (I’ll probably talk more about the core five in a different post tbh)

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

Oof. Well. If someone died on her watch, that’d be pretty bad for her. Good thing that’ll never happen though! Haha...ha...hm.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

Of this story? Shit maybe they weren’t after me after all. The story as a whole? Wait, you’re my what?

17. Do you know how it ends?

I actually have the epilogue of the last book already planned out! I will cry when I actually write it. But the end of the main plotline? Eh... I know who all is involved, and what all of the characters have evolved into at that point. But how Sofia and co. actually defeat the BBEG? I am... less sure.

18. What is the theme?

In this book specifically: it’s okay to step back and ask for help when you’re struggling - just because you can’t do it on your own doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be where you are.

In the overall series: something something found family something the power of friendship.

19. What is a recurring symbol?

Oh damn, this is a really good question. In fact, since I’m still in first draft mode (although I did write maybe a good quarter or so of a zero draft) I don’t think any have really emerged that I’ve noticed yet? But I guess I’ll come back and update this if I think of anything.

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)

It’s set in a very fancy, very modern private school that’s on the edge of a city somewhere near Washington D.C. I’m... not great at describing environments/settings, though, so that’s all you get haha

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

Oh yeah, plenty. I have this whole book outlined, actually, on a chapter-by-chapter level! I got excited and also bored during my three-hour-interim between classes, and there was a whiteboard just asking to be filled... I even have some disconnected scenes from future books floating around in my mind - some incredibly emotional and poignant, some glorified shitposts. Ah, writing. It’s such a magnificent hobby.

22. What excited you about this story?

The characters! No joke, there are sixteen kids in the Falks class including Sofia, and every single one of them has their own complex backstories, motivations, and character arcs - not to mention I’ve spent a significant portion of time outlining each of their Gifts and figuring out how exactly they work. I could ramble about any of them for hours.

And that’s not even mentioning Sofia’s family, the villains, the teachers... I just really love every single character in this book!

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

Step one: watch or read something. Anything. A movie, another book, a commercial, a music video, a tiktok, I’m not kidding just about anything will do. Step two: think ‘oh, I could do that better’. Step three: jot down some early lines or general ideas. Step four: leave it to stew for a little while as you think ‘oh jeez maybe I can’t do it as well as I thought’. Step five: get suddenly inspired on it and feverishly carve out several rough chapters. Step six: let it stew some more. Step seven: get newly inspired, realize how much has changed in your mind about that earlier draft, call that the zero draft, and actually do an outline this time. Step eight: ...Write it for realsies this time!

Whew, that was a doozie! Super fun though! So, according to the rules, you’re supposed to tag the same number of people as questions you answered. So there are 23 questions, and it turns out I’ve got exactly 23 people who (I don’t think) aren’t opposed to tag games, so here, have something besides a last line tag for once! Enjoy!

REMEMBER! You are under no obligation to do this - especially since this one can seem overwhelming. I’ll be thrilled if you do it, but I won’t be disappointed or upset if you pass.

Anyways, tagging: @alcego-writes, @alanwrites, @ajbrooks-writes, @evergrcen, @jewellsfrommaruss, @brookswriting, @signedjordan, @writhoelogy, @the-violet-writer, @dustylovelyrun, @linarious, @cookiecutterwrites, @honeyprincerising, @acaptainandhisrunaway, @angelolytle, @dogwrites, @mxxnwishes, @magicalwriting, @bisexual-in-progress, @writerfae, @ocmaker, @fullydevoted, @hanboggsbooks

[littlehollyleaf]

(I had a really long, detailed version of this....... but Tumblr ate it D’: so this is... heavily abridged, sorry!)

Tagged by the ever lovely @castiel-saved-me-from-myself​ <3

pick 10 ships without reading the questions

Interesting... ok!

1. Dean/Cas (obviously)

2. Aziraphale/Crowley

3. Nygmobblepot

4. Foxma

5. Babitha

6. Amy/Rory

7. Nomi/Amanita

8. Eve/Flynn

9. Catradora

10. Cosima/Delphine

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

I think I started shipping Amy/Rory during the Venice fish monster ep - cos that was when I felt Amy really did love him back and they had a future together. Before I suspected that her running away with the Doctor was a sign she and Rory weren’t right for each other.

2. Have you ever read a FanFiction about 2?

Only read a handful of Ineffable fic. Overall I’m perfectly happy with the canon alone.

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr?

Yes I’ve had Foxma themed phone backgrounds and a tumblr header :)

4. If 7 were to suddenly break-up today, what would your reaction be?

Disbelief and disapproval. Nomi and Amanita were one of the great constants of Sense8 for me. I think a break up would be out of character for them tbh. Plus it would be denying the black and trans characters a rare example of a happy ending, which would suck.

5. Why is 1 so important?

I wrote such a detailed thing about how DeanCas is not only important to me personally but also how I feel it’s been important for TV/media in general... ugh, tumblr!

In a nutshell - this ship helped me better myself in various ways. It introduced me to fandom,  which boosted my confidence and independence via increased socialisation; it encouraged me to write more, which improved my writing skills; meta discussions educated me on lots of issues, inc. but not limited to abuse, sexuality, gender identit, autism and racism.

I also genuinely believe that the loud and open fandom support of the ship has been a significant help in the ongoing battle for more and better queer rep in media.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

Serious! Catra and Adora’s relationship is a core part of the whole show, relating to lots of the wider themes of abuse, toxic behaviour, growth and forgiveness. Plus the significance of a same sex romance involving the lead character in a CHILDREN’S CARTOON really cannot be overstated.

(but it is also cute and funny sometimes :p)

7. Out of all of the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

I’ve spoken before about having issues with the concept of ‘chemistry.’ If I ship characters it’s usually because I find the combination of their characterisation and story arcs interesting/compelling. I often don’t notice (or I guess care about?) chemistry.

So I think I’m not qualified to answer this one.

8. Out of all of your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond?

Agreeing with @castiel-saved-me-from-myself​ here - you can’t really beat the Ineffables millenia long romance :)

9. How many times have you read/watched 8’s fandom?

I’ve rewatched The Librarians 2 or 3 times now. It’s DAFT. But it’s fun. And Eve and Flynn make me feel warm and fuzzy.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

Again, as @castiel-saved-me-from-myself​ said - it’s gotta be the Ineffables, both within AND outside of the story, since Good Omens was originally published over 30 years ago and the Zira/Crowley shippers have been going strong all that time. Otherwise it’s DeanCas.

(though idk if Catradora was a ship back when the original She Ra cartoon was airing, or when the original cartoon was made, so it’s possible that is also a contender!)

11. How many times, if ever, has 2 broken up?

Lol at @castiel-saved-me-from-myself​ for getting Nygmob for this one, as their relationship is, like, 90% break up :P

For the Ineffables though it’s basically just the once - when Zira chooses Heaven over Crowley. Not made such a Big Deal in the book IIRC, but in the show it’s the infamous Bandstand Break Up scene.

All other separations are only minor, temporary squabbles imo. Which is what makes the Bandstand scene so PAINFULLY, BEAUTIFULLY, ANGSTY AND EMOTIONAL and why I love it so! 

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

I figure angels and demons probably can’t be killed by zombies, so the Ineffables are the most likely.

But Eve and Flynn did actually face off against zombie-ghost things in an alt universe during a whole Loom of Fate plot and survived, so I think they’d probably also make it.

13. Did 5 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason?

No, Babs and Tabs were always open about being together, even when Tabs was also in a relationship with Butch.

I might argue they hid the depth of their feelings for each other though, even from themselves, and instead made out what they had together was just a casual ‘friends with benefits’ type thing.

Though Tabs did hide things a little when she sent assassins after Jim cos she blamed him for putting Babs in a coma. She clearly knew her brother would disappprove, which is why she didn’t tell him what she was doing. I guess that kinda counts as hiding her relationship with Babs? She was trying to conceal how much Babs mattered to her?

14. Is 4 still together?

Lol, Foxma were never together (ALAS!). But the show did end with their lingering fondness for each other intact I think.

15. Is 3 canon?

Is Nygmobblepot canon? Rather a touchy question for the fandom tbh.

If we are talking EXPLICIT canon - then no. 

They never got a kiss or a MUTUAL love declaration (and they had a controversial ‘we’re brothers’ exchange in the penultimate episode) - ergo there is not enough, imo, to say they ended the show officially romantically involved.

However, Ozzie DID EXPLICITLY DECLARE HIS ROMANTIC LOVE for Ed, and that was never rescinded. There is also LOTS OF SUBTEXT floating around Ed to imply he reciprocates. Plus they did end the show together as clear Partners in Crime.

So is Nygmob subtextual canon?

I would say yes.

But explicit, CANON canon?

A frustrating no that fandom remains, understandably, critical about.

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

I think a toss up between Nygmob and Babitha - because everyone else has too many morals that would hold them back from killing :p

(and since Ed and Oz have both bested Babs and Tabs in the past I lean towards them... but it would depend on when in Gotham canon the games were happening!)

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 10’s ship?

Breaking up Cosima and Delphine was a LITERAL PLOT POINT of Orphan Black at one point, so very much yes! I forget the details (the show got very twisty, with lots of different organisations working on different agendas in the shadows), but I’m pretty sure Delphine was shot because she was protecting Cosima. I remember it BROKE MY HEART and I thought it was a casebook example of Bury Your Gays. But, spoiler: it wasn’t ;)

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

Going with DeanCas, because I think that, historically, it’s the one that’s been in most need of defending.

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 1’s tumblr page?

Not anymore I’m afraid. Though 3 or so years ago I used to spend most of my free time on DeanCas and spn meta. Ah, nostalgia.

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she´d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

Foxma. Because while I adore the idea of a messy, confused ~something between them, in my heart I know that Foxy deserves better :P

I was too tired to bother with tagging the first time I completed this - DEF not gonna bother now!

Play if you want - it’s fun :D

[buckyownsmyheart]

Duty [3/12]

CHAPTER 3: A Small Error

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 2.3k, sorry a bit of a short one this week!

Warnings: Gunfire and badly described car chase

A/N: Please keep leaving feedback! I’m a slut for validation. Also the gif isn’t relevant but I love him. This is them at the end maybe, who knows

Series Summary: Ex-army doctor, and now on-mission-for-the-Avengers doctor, Major (Y/n) (Y/l/n), had prepared herself for anything. That was, of course, until she met a devastatingly charming Sergeant from Brooklyn with a quick wit and a kind smile. I wonder what will happen.

Series Masterlist

Chapter 2

Within the first few months, you had settled in well to the compound. Wanda had been right when she said that everyone was like a family, and the bonds you formed between the team had been strengthened by the time you spend together, enduring situations that a normal person would never dream of being in on a day-to-day basis. In the first month, Sam had unsuccessfully tried to set you up with an agent, that had just led to an awkward dinner and a rescue mission from Bucky, stolen all 36 of your freshly baked cookies, with much disappointment from the others, and cried when you beat him at monopoly. You had set 13 broken bones, stitched 153 wounds and done one awkward STI test. Not naming names, but you advised that next time they go to someone else in the medical bay. Makes things a little less awkward for later missions. It had been one hell of a month

At the moment, you were trying to dictate some reports for the medical bay, as everyone’s medical records hadn’t been updated in years, and you always secretly loved a bit of admin. You wandered towards the living room in search of your favourite mug. As raised voices carried from inside, you paused, listening intently.

“I get the whole prospect and the whole idea is great, but don’t you think they should put an age limit on it? Like a minimum?” Bucky was asking Sam.

“Being trans isn’t a choice or a phase Barnes. You don’t grow out of it or indeed into it, so no I don’t think there should be minimum limit, it’s all about who the people are inside, what they feel,”

You entered the room and made your presence known with a small cough, Bucky turned to you, “What do you think Doc? You’re a professional, what’s your stance?”

Sam took a sharp inhale of breath. He had clearly read your file, even if Bucky hadn’t.

“I think that whilst you’re both enjoying yourselves debating the intricacies of this subject, you need to remember you’re debating someone’s life, their highs, their lows, and their inability to decide for themselves, because someone else has decided for them they don’t have the right to dictate their own life. People’s lives aren’t thought experiments or light debate topics.” you said calmly, and then turned and left the room without looking back, letting out a shaky breath as your emotions bubbled upwards. You heard Sam say something to Bucky, and then his gliding footsteps were behind you.

“(Y/n), I’m sorry I didn’t know about your brother,” he said quietly, and you turned to him,

“Don’t apologise because I have a trans brother, I want you to see that people are more than a story or two sides of an argument. I thought you would be able to empathise with that.”

“I’m sorry for my ignorance. Everything is so new; I’m trying to learn about this century, but I never meant to make you upset or offend you. You’re right, I should have known better, I know what it’s like to be talked about and debated about and it’s not right.” He tucked his hands into his pockets as he looked down at his feet.

You softened, “I understand Bucky, you grew up in a different generation entirely and you’re still getting used to this century, so I don’t hold it against you. But it would have been wrong of me to sit and listen when I can help change someone’s outlook.” You placed a hand on his arm, causing him to look up at you, and continued, “I appreciate you trying. Just be aware of dehumanising people because you don’t personally know them, or because it’s interesting to debate about.” He gave you a tight smile and looked back down at his feet. “Maybe you should read my file huh? Seems like it's getting you in trouble,” you jested, trying to lighten his mood.

“I know, I know, it just seemed a bit impersonal. I wanted to get to know you the old-fashioned way, by talking to you, you know?” He picked at the skin around his nails, “But maybe that’s me being stuck in the 40s. New century and all that.”

“You trying to court me Sarge?” You teased, and with that comment the light seemed to return to his eyes, illuminating his face into the one you had become quite fond of.

“Depends if you’d say yes, Doc.”

“Guess you’ll have to wait and see.” You turned, winking at him over your shoulder, and finished the short walk to the elevator.

F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice filled the elevator, as soon as you entered it. “Major (Y/l/n), Mr. Rogers requires your presence in the briefing room in 20 minutes.”

-

23 minutes later, the briefing had started. The extra 3 minutes were due to Sam being late by two minutes, and Steve ranting at him for one, before you cut in that it might be more productive to spend our time discussing the new development, and not reprimanding Sam for being unable to read a clock correctly. Steve gave a curt nod and continued.

“There has been word that HYDRA are shipping out the serum from the Philadelphia port tonight for Project Moonshine. They’re not expecting any trouble, and the team have had news that there will only be 4 guards stationed to oversee the packing. As everyone else is away on mission, we need you 3 to contain the serum and bring it back for testing. Once it's secure call in the NYPD for detainment of the fugitives there. All set? Wheels up in an hour. Do NOT be late.” He concluded sternly, glaring at Sam. You fidgeted, fighting the urge to ask more questions as you were still getting used to these quick introductions to the missions, but Bucky had helpfully pointed out they were called briefings, not so-long-when-will-it-endings.

You, Bucky and Sam had walked 2 miles from the drop-off point to try and get into the warehouse undetected. You had tried to bargain a closer drop-off, but apparently it was too suspicious already. You had been promised a ride back in a police car though, so swings and roundabouts. You all stalked alongside the side of the warehouse, Bucky in front, then Sam, and then you, bringing up the rear. Bucky’s hand went up in a fist, and you all stopped. You checked your trusty backpack was still firmly secured and gripped your rifle tighter. Giving Sam a tap on his shoulder to show you were ready, he relayed the message, and Bucky opened the door silently, easing himself in.

Gunfire cut across the previous tranquillity and you dove behind a metal crate and felt Sam’s body beside you. Bucky had done the same, hiding behind a crate across from you, firing over the top every now and again to try and keep them at bay. Well, shit.

You had no backup on this one, except for the NYPD but they wouldn’t come with enough personnel. You looked at Bucky and Sam, but they didn’t seem to know what to do either. You scanned the area, trying to figure out your next move when a dull ‘thwap’ next to you drew your attention. Sam beside you whispered, “What the fuck?” His left side was now covered entirely in white powder.

You reached over and touched it, rubbing it between your fingers, you spoke quietly, “This isn’t the serum Sam, this is cocaine.” You indicated the blue and green packages that surrounded you, “And there’s a lot of it. Something’s not right, we need to get out of here now, NYPD and SWAT can deal with this, there’s no way the three of us are going to be able to handle a drug bust this big.” You noticed a door behind Sam on the right wall, as the one you had entered through was too exposed. This one was more shielded by crates and loose packages of the cocaine. You were hoping that they didn’t want to shoot at their loot, and that might be your ticket out of here. You tapped Sam and pointed to it. He nodded and placed his hand on your arm.

“I’ve alerted NYPD, they said they'd be here in a few minutes, but we can’t guarantee that. I need you to run for that door and find us a car. Bucky and I will be right behind you. I promise.”

“On it.” You didn’t want to leave those two behind, but they were much more qualified than you, and were much more likely to be able to fight their way out of the sticky situation. With one last look at Bucky, and a nod at Sam, you ran.

The firing increased as you tried to keep as low as possible, and you were hoping that it was cover fire from Sam. Bullets were zipping around the place, but you couldn’t identify if they were near or far, heading towards you or away, so you just kept on running. You darted through the door and leant along the wall, trying to calm your heart. Now for part two. You looked around for a car and spotted one of the new Ford Mustangs. That would do nicely. Grabbing a rock and throwing it through the window, you unlocked the door and threw yourself inside, ignoring the broken glass. Underneath the steering wheel, the “On” wires were already stripped and hanging loose. Trust the drug dealers to be driving a stolen car. You placed them together and they sparked, the engine trying to ignite, but after a few goes and indecent mutterings, the engine roared to life and you swung it into gear, whirling it around to the door before shouting into the comms,

“I need both your asses outside, now!” Right on cue, Bucky and Sam burst through the door and ran around to the passenger’s side. They both threw themselves in the same door. In hindsight, you should have gone for a car with back doors.

“Major I need you to ignore all parts of your brain that drive like a grandma and drive as if there’s a car of armed drug dealers chasing after you.” Sam hesitated, looking behind you at the bad guys organising themselves, “Because there is.”

“Didn’t I ever tell you boys that I took a get-away driving class at flight school?”

“You went to flight school?” Bucky asked incredulously, “When were you going to mention THAT?”

“When it seemed necessary,” you shrugged, slamming the car into gear and speeding off, before adding, “Plus I’m the only one here with a legal license”.

You drove in-between the containers on the dockside, but things got too quiet. You slowed down, trying to listen for any sort of movement. The rev of an engine and the flicker of lights either side of you alerted you to their presence, and the stream of swear words that came out of your mouth were vulgar enough to make Gordon Ramsey proud. You stepped on the accelerator and prayed that they would crash into each other as they chased after you, but no such luck.

Ignoring the shots that were ricocheting off the side of the car, you stepped on it. The car’s suspension wasn’t quite as giving as you had hoped. The three of you were bouncing all over the place as you drove up the port’s ramp, Bucky smacking his head against the roof a couple of times. You made a mental note to check him for concussion later. Sam had managed to wiggle his way into the backseat and was shooting at the cars. If you weren’t in such a life-or-death situation, you might have laughed at the comical manner that he had braced himself. His back was resting in the gap between yours and Bucky’s seat, his feet were propped up on the headrest of the back seats, and his gun was resting in between them. The loud gunshots had made your ears ring, and you had to fixate on the roads to prevent yourself from colliding with anything. A crash sounded and the windscreen in front of you shattered,

“Bucky,” You shouted over the persisting resonance in your ear, “I’m going to need you to fix that, so I can see.” He reached forward and with his left hand, he grabbed the remaining windscreen, tossing it over the top of the car. There was a shout of joy from Sam as the front of the two cars swerved into a barrel and rolled, ending up somewhere you didn’t care about at this moment in time.

“Clench up, fellas,” you called out, seeing your opportunity at an escape, “It’s about to become a whole lot less smooth.”

Shoving the car into second gear, you pressed in the clutch and pulled the handbrake up, swinging the wheel around so you skidded down a road that had appeared on your right. As the car over rotated, you placed it in reverse and drifted into a back alley off the road you had turned into. As quickly as you could, you turned off the engine and all lights.

“What the-” Sam began, but you cut him off as the second car that had been following you careened around the corner, driving straight passed your hiding place.

“The police should have set up a blockage down there, that’s where I would have done it.” You explained, carefully pulling the car into the road and driving gently in the opposite direction. You potently ignored the bumper dragging along the floor at the front of the car. “Man, all that excitement has made me hungry, does anyone fancy a Maccies on the way home?”

It was safe to say the cashier was a little unnerved at the sight of you three.

Chapter 4

tags:

@broco8​ @nerd-without-a-cause​ @sebbbystaaan​ @cutiepiemimi13​ @velvetwonderbucky​ @mcubuckyandsteve

[dkettchen]

BLACK MIRROR S5E1 “STRIKING VIPERS” E X P L A I N E D

-with the help of gender and game theory-

Y’all asked for it so here we go

Some things before we start: -If you were watching the episode looking for gay/trans shit, and got disappointed, I’m sorry but I can’t help you because that’s just not what the episode was about and that is ok. It explored some aspects of queer experience, and the limbo between queer and cis-straight experience, that isn’t usually addressed in such an honest and indepth way, which I think is just as important as trans or gay rep.  -I will focus my analysis on the core theme of what certain academics writing about androgyny call the “moment of transgression” so in this case the question of ‘what is Karl/Roxette’s deal & what does that mean for Danny/Lance’s feelings toward and interactions with them?’. -CW: transphobia, homophobia, toxic masculinity, (rpg) uncanny valley stuff, you get it, you know what subjects we’ll be talking about here. 

Now!

I’d like to start by pointing out the title “Striking Vipers” to get the phallus talk out of the way right off the bat x’D: It’s a very blatant penis metaphor, and Vipers specifically are venomous, so represent toxic masculinity. The image of them striking signals danger. The repetition of phallic symbols represents the threat of castration (see medusa turning them bois to stone & the heroic masculinity of the mirror shielded boi who managed to defeat her), which to phallocentric masculinity is the scawiest thing there is (losing the phallus = losing manhood = death?? I guess??). Striking Vipers means that toxic masculinity, by nature, is a threat to itself. (I could talk for hours about the exact warped logic of phallocentricity but Imma spare y’all cause I don’t think it’s relevant for this, I’d even go as far as saying this episode was anti-phallic (which I use here as a more inclusive word for “feminist”, as the episode’s core is about two guys, but still focused on them experiencing and embracing feminine power and freeing themselves from phallocentricity(/patriarchy)’s grasp, just like “what men want” was preoccupied with the toxic masculinity of its female protagonist)) That sets up the kind of horror the episode will be about, the male fear of castration, of loss of identity, of having to face the fact that traditional masculinity is toxic even to the people who conform to it. 10/10 title choice.

Next up: the core question of what label to put on Karl and Danny’s VR interactions (‘Fellas, is it gay to fuck ur best friend in a lady body in VR?’). Which leads to the first question which is: what gender is Karl when he’s playing as Roxette?  An essentialist might say: ‘Well he’s a man irl so he’s still a man even if he plays with a female avatar. Danny’s attraction to him is either him being trapped or just plain old gay.’ But I don’t think that’s the case. It’s not a trap scenario (have some videos on traps and how they’re not real actually: (x.), (x.)), because both people involved know the exact parameters of the situation. Danny knows this is Karl in Roxette’s body, there’s nothing hidden, no misunderstanding to be had here. I also don’t think it’s gay because if it was this would’ve happened irl or with two male avatars, but it only happened once one of them was in a female avatar, that was the change that made it happen. It’s not a fetishising phallic/trans women scenario either, because it’s the opposite, it’s a man’s mind in a woman’s body. There’s no doubt about Karl being a man irl, a queer man sure, but definetely a man. He’s just too into -womanhood while playing her for me to say he’s still male when he’s in that form, like Karl as Roxette isn’t a trans guy as a man’s mind in a female body usually would be (like f.e. Ranma 1/2), I also don’t think Karl as Roxette is an androgyne/non-binary/third term either, because again, he’s embracing her womanhood and the role that comes with it, to the extreme that is hetero PiV sex, too much. I’d argue what we see is the closest to the liberation and euphoria described by other queer men when doing drag, she’s just a more extreme version of drag, of crossplaying, making the fantasy real, wearing not only the clothes of a woman but the body too. Roxette as Karl’s avatar is an alter ego, who is female, so -on the risk of sounding like the biggest performativist since Judith Butler- Karl as Roxette presents as female, so, for all intents and purposes, is female in that moment, regardless of his irl persona maintaining his male gender outside of that. 

But that wasn’t what we wanted to know, was it. Because even if, in the moment that Karl plays Roxette, we can say that person is female, that doesn’t eliminate the fact that Karl, outside of that, isn’t and that he’s still the one playing her. It’s the notion of how the player/actor/performer and avatar/character/persona aren’t the same thing and can have different relationships with someone in real life vs in the game, and how that can be confusing to think about because there is no clear line between the two, something that is called “bleed” in ludology(/game studies, from lat. ludus: game or school; referring to the gladiator schools in like the colosseum), despite their relationships being fundamentally different (in this case friendship irl vs passionate love in game).  Take TAZ as an example: The McElroys are related, but in playing a trpg, the DM, usually Griffin, takes up the mantle of all NPCs in the game world, including love interests. Griffin played Julia, Kravitz, and Danny (different Danny lol), but he’s talking to his brother, except he isn’t, is he, cause it’s not Griffin talking and it’s not his brother responding, it’s two characters interacting. A similar uncanny valley can be found in actor/character bleed: Take Ludi and Pom (the actors for Lance and Roxette) in this one: like 80% of their screentime was spent making out or having fake sex. These actors aren’t dating (as far as I’m aware lol), this is their job, to fake love each other on screen, imagine having to do that with a coworker you feel nothing for. It’s the characters that feel something and you have to play that feeling (which is so meta at that point, they’re playing characters that are avatars being played by characters in the show). Also, talking of role-playing, can we appreciate the scene of Danny & Theo at the bar where they’re role-playing and she’s like that was hot and he’s like mental note bae’s into role-playing, because DAMN that foreshadowing of the erotic potential of roleplay as a concept.

But it’s not role-playing really either with Danny and Karl, is it? They’re playing in avatars other than themselves but they’re not fully a different person. They still very much feel the same just in a different form. Their emotions are real even though they might only apply to part of their experience, the in-game part. Yet they obviously take them seriously and personal and get influenced by them outside the game. Maybe the question is what is and is not role-playing? Where does the bleed start and end, and do we even need to know the answer to those questions? They answer those questions for themselves in the end by testing out their feelings irl to see if they track or not, fully ready for both possibilities (which 10/10 character development love it). They want clarity. It’s about the emotional limbo fantasy brings with it. It’s the same question “Are traps gay” is about. (Not the “Is it ok to feel attracted to androgynous ppl” one necessarily, but) “Does feeling attracted to the fantasy mean you feel attracted to the “real” thing underneath?” Are the feelings for the fantasy alone or also for the reality? Are they only applicable to the latter and does that change something about what you thought you knew about yourself? It’s a question about the fringe edges of limited/monosexuality and the very fabric of reality. 

Let’s return to Karl to look at his experience as Roxette. We’ve established that she is female, but what is Karl while playing her? In the spirit of queer drag as liberating, it’s almost like he’s taking a break from being Karl when playing as her. Drag, crossplay, or this extreme version of it, functions as a break from the toxicity and limitations of traditional gender roles (so in this case traditional masculinity). It is freeing, though what does it free? Some genderless spirit inhabiting each person? But then how do you explain the firm gender identity lots of people, including for all we know Karl, experience in everyday life? As a trans person I know that there is SOMETHING to gender on some level that can create gender dysphoria (social and/or physical) for people when put in a body they don’t identify with. As a drag performer, trpg enthousiast, and notorious crossplayer, I know that taking a break from that reality and being somebody else can be relieving, a break from your own problems. So what is that part of us that translates into fantasy? I feel like this goes into transhumanist territory which I don’t know enough about to even attempt to provide an answer. I think what it comes down to in terms of gender theory is, this is a situation at the height of where performativism is true and relevant. There is a relativity to the nature of reality and gender itself. Whatever base essence there is that causes gender dysphoria at a mismatch between outside and inside, doesn’t apply here. Both notions (of essential and performative gender) are real and have an impact on people but neither is always the case and neither is never the case. They’re not mutually exclusive. 

So, seeing as it seems impossible to pinpoint what gender Karl/Roxette qualifies as (other than all and/or none), let’s look at the nature of Danny/Lance and Karl/Roxette’s interactions and feelings toward those interactions and each other to try and contextualise what label(s) they might fit under.  The desire on Danny’s side when faced with Roxette’s form shows itself in a way he’d never feel toward Karl. That visual change, and the social changes it brings with it (in gender role), makes it so extreme, because it pairs the parts of his friend he appreciates and enjoys (personality and whatever deeper connection a close friendship brings with it), with a form that is attractive to him. That change translates to Karl too. In playing with this new form that has a different role and a different effect on someone he’s known for so long, he flows into that, melts into this new persona and lives it up! The way they interact in game isn’t gay. It is very much reflecting how straight attraction and female sexuality works. On one hand it’s based in undeniable difference (hetero = different), and on the other hand Karl/Roxette’s enjoyment thereof is based in being desirable, in having that power of seduction just by existing, that notion of feminine power and the freedom that comes with it. It’s not autogynephilia, that would imply he gets off on the idea of himself as a woman, which is not the case, he gets off on being desired as a woman, which is what female sexuality is about (source: ContraPoints’ Autogynephilia video (which I recommend, it’s very good))

Still whenever Karl tries to get Danny to keep having VR sex with him/Roxette, he talks about her in 3rd person, like a persona. In saying “it’s just like porn” he poses something that is very much a different activity (acting out the porn by -doin’ it-) as a homosocially (social as opposed to sexual/romantic) acceptable one (watching porn together which I’ve been told is a thing). He attempts to differentiate himself from his female persona and enjoyment there-of (by objectifying her, like a porn actress to be watched rather than identified with), himself and Danny from the queerness (in enjoying femininity and in Danny being down with basically fucking a drag-queen) and to retreat back into heteronormative traditional masculinity, away from the scawy unknown of exploring your sexuality. His internalised homo- and transphobia makes him suppose that Danny, as a supposed straight guy, will only respond to the safety of assured non-queerness, which, honestly, I don’t think is the case with him. Karl supposes his cancelling on him and not wanting to do it anymore is out of the fear for his sexual identity or whatever, but from what I can tell, while Danny also seems to be rather confused about what it all means, the reasons he cancels their nightly sessions, and rejects Karl/Roxette, are always about not wanting his marriage to fall apart. He quite clearly prefers hot VR sex to hanging out with his wife, and cancels out of duty to her rather than fear. Even the first time they kiss, Karl is the one to freak out first. Danny seems much calmer about the attraction part of the situation, to the point of in the end being the one to take initiative and make them try it out irl to put an end to the confusion.

The episode hits hard because it takes the way men play video games and brings it to its logical conclusion. Video games are mens safe-space, and they do play with that playful flirty banter. The show takes that and makes it real, including taking it to its extreme conclusion that is -doin’ it-. It infiltrates the male safe space by taking normalised behaviour, and taking it so far that it puts traditional masculinity and heteronormative attraction in question, the very thing the safe space was supposed to protect them from. That’s why it’s existentially horrifying for the main characters (and viewers that identify with them) and qualifies as a black mirror episode even without having a homo-/trans-/biphobic ending (like other media that put traditional masculinity in question usually do, not to mention all the horror based in queer-coding) 

Hope y’all enjoyed this journey into a bit of mind-bending game and gender theory! Pls don’t expect me to do this like ever again bc I need to go work on my actual essay rip x’D 

[femchef]

Suffer Bitch Ficlist

What This List Is: A collection of fics that I’ve read that absolutely fuck me up emotionally, and that I appreciated/loved/needed/have impacted me enough that I’ve saved them for re-reading. If these were paperbacks, the pages would have started falling out long before now.

That said, everything on this list has an emotional resolution (even the few incomplete ones I’ve chosen to include). Nothing on this list is the kind of emotional devastation that leaves the reader feeling empty and used* because honestly I need resolution, and I hate the type of #realism that makes me go “Well what was the fucking point, then”. This list is not comprehensive; if you’re in these fandoms, you’ve likely brushed up against them before. The majority of these authors are well-known, and some of these fics have been around longer than I’d like to be reminded. 

So - what qualifies a fic for this list, anyway? 

Tears and snotty sobbing. Everything on this list has made me cry and also given me emotional chills to some degree in order to make the cut.**

Before You Read: Take any warnings I list below seriously. If it’s something that will fuck you up in a bad way, then don’t read it. Don’t open the link. We all have things that are no-go’s. Full disclosure? I can’t read anything with graphic depictions of sexual assault, though mentions, allusions to, or mild/non-graphic depictions (ex. fade to black scenarios, fuzzy memory recall, etc.) don’t bother me. I take those tags and author’s notes seriously when I’m choosing what to read. Similarly, I’m pretty blasé about a lot of gore or body horror - except, specifically, when someone is rolling around in a pit of used needles (thanks for that, Saw movies). Guess what I avoid reading? In short: be a responsible reader. Don’t be self-destructive and proceed with however much caution you require.

*a life of smoke and silvered glass is an outlier and should not be counted.

**As a baseline, please keep in mind that the first time I read JRRT’s The Two Towers, I threw my book across the room when I got to the end. Also, the scene in Whale Rider where Paikea is on stage is the one time I started gross-sobbing in a movie theatre. Make of that what you will.

On to the list!

Suffer Bitch Ficlist:

(Presented to you in order of least impactful to most)

Invitation/Complication

It’s Green

Skin Deep

a life of smoke and silvered glass

Practicing Liars

Family Night

A Wicked Game

A Piercing Comfort

Loud and Clear

Humans and Ghosts

Digging for the Bones

Chivalry 

In Care Of

A Year Like None Other

Stay

Under Wing

Distorting Equivalency 

I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be)

[The following are in no particular order because I couldn’t decide]

19. Sacrifices Arc

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt

21. Like One Sundered Star

1. Invitation/Complication Series [Homestuck]

By saffronHeliotrope

You don’t need reminding that everyone is pairing off while you have village-bicycled your way through this group of morons as if you’d never run out of time.

It occurs to you that maybe you need new friends.

Word Count: 8,033

Status: Complete

This series contains two works, one taking place immediately after the other. Have fun angsting with Dave because he can’t seem to wrap his mind around this whole ot3 thing with John and Rose (on their wedding night, ofc). Consenting (if slightly dumb) adults and polyamory all around. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/132165

2. It’s Green [Harry Potter]

By Doodled93

Harry grows up working on his Aunt’s Garden and develops a love for it, meeting Samuel and eventually Max, who gives him a Mark of his own. This Mark is changing him, making him more different than he already was, and he loves it. 

Word Count: 88,549

Status: WiP

This is marvelous kidfic - lots of good fluff. Except. You know - that one OC death that was so heart wrenching that you start bawling. The concept of magical tattoos in this fic is really nice, and Max - a prickly, rough and gruff tattoo artist is the best kind of unintentional parental mentor. The author hasn’t updated in some time, but they’ve also made a note that they’ll come back eventually when they’re ready to update to completion. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/411709/chapters/683216

3. Skin Deep [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Batsutousai 

Trisha and Van’s first child, Edith, was born a beautiful, healthy girl. The only problem? Ed knew he was a boy.

Word Count: 17,083

Status: Complete 

As you may have guessed from the description, this is a mostly canon AU featuring a trans Edward Elric. I love it, I appreciate how it was written, especially that it’s not a romantic plot - and not only was I crying after the first read, but rereads still give me the sniffles.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8197400/chapters/18779738

4. a life of smoke and silvered glass [Harry Potter]

By dirgewithoutmusic

Albus Dumbledore rose to his feet, smiling at them in that way of his, like he knew something you didn’t and he was proud of you for it. “Friends,” he began. 

The door thudded open and the Marauders burst in, late and pink-cheeked with cold. The headmaster smiled at them, too, and Sirius gave a cheery little salute back.

Severus sunk lower in his chair, staring witheringly over his butterbeer. “You told Potter about it, too?” 

“He might as well put all that energy to good use,” said Lily. “And to be accurate, I told Remus.” 

“But Potter, really?” said Severus.

“He and Black cooked up a jinx that gives you a boil every time you say a slur to a Muggleborn,” said Lily. “It was either invite them to Alice’s war club or bake them cookies, and I know where my skills lie.” 

Severus sniffed. “Don’t come crying to me if he tugs your pigtails.” 

“Come crying to me if he pulls yours, and I’ll deck him.” said Lily.

(Slight AU in which Severus apologizes, tries harder, and stays friends with Lily.)

Word Count: 22,794

Status: Complete

This is the Severus Snape that canon wanted. The greatest tragedy that never has to explicitly be spelled out (and the reason this fic is so heartbreaking and infuriating) is that the end results are the same.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11457669

5. Practicing Liars [Harry Potter]

By Lomonaaeren

AU of HBP. Harry found out that he was Snape’s son two years ago, and he’s carefully concealed it. But now Snape is his Defense teacher, and Draco Malfoy is up to something, and Dumbledore is dying, and the final battle is coming up, and everything is getting very, very complicated. 

Word Count: 206,306

Status: Complete

Oh boy, bring on the angst. A Severitus fic with a lot of bitter, petty feelings. Half Blood Prince is such a popular point in HP canon to veer off into AU territory (for good reason), and just - the timing, the missed opportunities, the growth. Lots of feelings. Also drarry. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990947/chapters/1955931

6. Family Night [Harry Potter]

By Celebony

As Hogwarts starts a quarterly Family Night, Harry is determined to take part. Facing the heartache of looking in all the wrong places, he’ll have to discover the true meaning of family, and that sometimes it comes from where you least expect it. 

Word Count: 33,000

Status: Complete

Eventual Severitus fic. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, emotional abuse, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, angst, grief, and (eventually) healing and recovery - this fic has it all. To me, I think this is the author’s best work, but obviously I have a preference. Fans of Remus tread carefully, this story may not be for you. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/2682144/1/Family-Night

7. A Wicked Game Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

Roy has lucked into the all-expenses-paid vacation of his dreams - all he has to do is convince a bunch of happy couples that he’s head-over-heels in love with Ed Elric. What could possibly go wrong? 

[Modern!AU].

Word Count: 64,884

Status: Story is Complete, but Series is still open for possible future oneshots/additions 

Currently three completed works in the series. Roy and Ed as struggling grad students who share lab space stuck in a cabin full of obnoxious couples. This story resonates so well for me, because it was the first time I read something where a character actively struggles with depression where I really felt like someone GOT IT. So, be warned - suicide mentions, depression, angst, and a lot of puns. Safe Roy/Ed, though if that’s not your jam, better take a miss. 

 Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/372113

8. A Piercing Comfort [Harry Potter]

By talithan

When Harry Potter hits the lowest point of his life so far, it is not his friends who keep him honest. With Draco Malfoy’s patience and guidance, Harry learns to stand on his own. The thing is, after the fact - he’s no longer sure he wants to. 

Word Count: 44,566

Status: Complete

This fic has art by onthecount! It’s lovely. Anyway - Oh my god. When I talk about things resonating on some, soul-deep level. The way depression, and trauma, and PTSD is handled is... Well. I don’t go back to this often, but it’s because (for me) reading this fic is cleansing. Draco and Luna as therapists running a burgeoning wizarding practice is pretty great. If you couldn’t guess by reading the summary, this is an eventual drarry fic - and I’ll be upfront, if the idea of dating your former therapists squicks you out, don’t read. I like how it’s written out, it doesn’t feel inappropriate, or like any sort of power imbalance to me, but I can see where that wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea either. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857495

9. Loud and Clear Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

The thing with Roy is founded on coffee snobbery and stupid text messages and seriously awesome makeout sessions in the car. Oh, and the love of a lifetime, or whatever.

Word Count: 280,924

Status: WiP

Currently there are six completed works, and one in-progress (with at least one more slated by the author). Also known as ‘The modern!AU Roy/Ed fluffball fic (of doom)’, there is emotional baggage/angst throughout that hints at darker things but nothing too dreadful until the fourth entry in the series, “Another One of Those Heartbreak Songs”. Anxiety, depression, war crimes, rape and consent (and, fyi, one of the best descriptions of what exactly enthusiastic consent IS, is in the current entry of the series, “The Boiling Point”) are all being dealt and felt in this story. Safe Roy/Ed fic that starts with a coffeehouse!AU style meetcute and follows the deepening relationship between Roy (established lawyer who works with veterans) and Ed (making the transition from struggling grad student to frazzled professor), and has a delightful dose of Al/Win tossed in. One of the most relatable things about this series is how all the terrible things about your worst relationships don’t really hit you until you’re smack in the middle of the best relationship you’ve ever had, and it’s ROUGH. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of rape/sexual abuse, or abusive ex’s set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/167693

10. Humans and Ghosts [Danny Phantom]

By RedHeadsRock1010

If there was one thing Danny Fenton perfected since receiving his powers, it was how to pretend. 

Word Count: 26,751

Status: Complete

ANGST. Angst and neglectful parents. Angst and neglectful parents and two siblings doing the best they can. Jazz is a real MVP in this story. Also blood and gore. And torture. Oh my god. Still makes me cry. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of torture, or neglectful/abusive parenting set you off, don’t read. While it’s not a religious fic, the impact of the parenting codes like some of the horror stories you might have heard about being in the closet and growing up with religious parents. You have been warned. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315771/chapters/27999459

11. Digging for the Bones [Harry Potter]

By Paganaidd

Rather than allowing Harry to stay at Diagon Alley after he blew up Aunt Marge, the ministry sends Harry back to the Dursley’s. Harry returns to school after a terrible summer, to find that he’s not the only one with this kind of secret. A student has been killed by his family. New screening measures are put into place by the Ministry: Every student must be given a medical exam and interview to look for child abuse. With Dumbledore facing an inquiry, Snape is entrusted with the task of making sure EVERYONE receives one. 

Word Count: 203,178

Status: Complete 

As the author warns before the fic, there is a character death in the first chapter. The story is an AU of Prisoner of Azkaban. Suicide, attempted suicide, and suicidal ideation are a big part of the story. Child abuse, death by child abuse (and the aftermath), ptsd, and the appalling effects of dementors on a castle full of kids are pretty central to the plot. Eventual Severitus. Also accidental necromancy. This is a monumental hurt/comfort fic and there are a LOT of feelings. And angst. Consider this your warning: if explicit attempted suicide, or suicidal thoughts set you off, don’t read. If mentions of physical abuse/child abuse set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598019/chapters/1078847

12. Chivalry Series [Harry Potter]

When Harry appears at the Welcoming Feast wearing a glamor only Snape notices. Snape decides to find out what the glamor is hiding. 

You, the guiltless, will pay for your father’s sins,

Roman, until you repair the decaying 

Temples and shrines of the gods, and their

Images, filthy with blackening smoke.

When you act as servant of the gods, you rule:

From them all beginning, leave them the ending. 

Horace, Odes III-6

Word Count: 123,467

Status: Series is marked as Ongoing, though individual stories are Complete

Welp. Angst, some explicit child abuse (specifically physically violent Vernon Dursley), grief and mourning, ptsd, accidental potions class disasters that lead to more angst, sickfic, hurt/comfort, blood, gore and violence, child neglect, and eventual found-family by way of Severitus and a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Luna. There is a lot to unpack here. The interactions between Harry, Luna and Severus are especially endearing and heartbreaking. This is your explicit warning: if explicit child abuse /physical abuse set you off, or if accidentally forced (yes, I know how that sounds) flashbacks set you off, don’t read. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/12306

13. In Care Of

By Fangs_Fawn

During the summer before sixth year, Harry finds an injured bat in the garden and decides to try to heal it... and an unwilling Snape learns just what kind of a person Harry Potter really is. 

Word Count: 45,319

Status: Complete 

I’m gonna be upfront with you. Vernon and Dudley Dursley are very sadistic in this story. Tread with caution. That said, along with the angst this is a very solid hurt/comfort fic that is also a reciprocal hurt/comfort fic (in that, first Snape is helped, and then Harry). It’s a nice emotional exchange. Violence - explicit child abuse and torture, grief, and a very petulant animagus. This is your explicit warning: if physical torture/violence sets you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023625/chapters/2036909

14. Like None Other Series [Harry Potter]

By aspeninthesunlight

A letter from home? A letter from family? Well, Harry Potter knows he has neither, but all the same, it starts with a letter from Surrey. Whatever the Dursley’s have to say, it can’t be anything good; so Harry’s determined to ignore it. But then, his evil schoolmate rival spots the letter and his slimy excuse for a teacher intercepts it and forces him to read it. And that sends Harry down a path he’d never have walked on his own.

It will be a year of big changes, a year of great pain, and a year of confronting worst fears. It will be a year of surprising discoveries, of finding true strength, of finding out that first impressions of a person’s true colors do not always ring true. It will be a year of paradigm shifts. 

And from the most unexpected sources, Harry will have a chance to have that which he has never known: a home... and a family.

A sixth year fic, this story follows Order of the Phoenix and disregards any canon events that occur after book 5. 

Word Count: 1,465,418

Status: WiP

Currently there are two completed works in this series, and one ongoing. This is a ROLLERCOASTER, omg. Terminal illness, child abuse, explicit, agonizing torture, grief and mourning, bad coping mechanisms, self-harm, self-destructive behavior - hurt/comfort out the wazoo. Eventual Severitus, this is a good, substantial found-family fic with a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Draco. I really appreciate that Severus, Harry and Draco continue to step on each other’s toes as the story moves along. They get as much wrong as they get right, and the familial development is natural. Harry does struggle a bit with the newer experience of a paternal Severus weighted by the previous years of his antagonism and petty behavior. Severus struggles with balance, Draco struggles with extremes - behavior, feelings, intrusive thoughts - it’s a very well-rounded story. This is your explicit warning: The torture is incredibly graphic, and there are needles involved. If that sets you off, don’t read. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/41198

15. Stay [Danny Phantom]

By jaeger_soul

Dash Baxter is finally a senior and this year isn’t supposed to be hard. With nothing waiting on him after graduation, he might as well sleep through his classes. He’s already got a job after high school’s over, what’s the point of reaching for anything more? He’s fine with what he has. But when ‘more’ comes in the form of a black-haired boy with similar problems to his own, can Dash really not try for it?

Word Count: 817,287

Status: WiP

This is technically a series, since the author has written one companion piece from another character’s perspective for chapter 27 of the story. Oh my god. Dash is a sweet, sweet cinnamon roll who’s just trying to muddle his way through, and terrible things happen to him. This is not Dash the bully from the canon series. The endgame ship is Dash/Danny, and it is very slow-burn. Lots of hurt/comfort in this fic, and the author’s OC’s are incredibly fleshed out and wonderfully developed. Anxiety and panic attacks are pretty heavy in this story. Small town-typical homophobic slurs, make an appearance. Teenagers having sex with other teenagers is a thing. Mentions of abortion and teen pregnancy and unwanted pregnancy all happen later on. Mentions of suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide are plot points. Abusive and abused ex partners. Child abuse - emotional, mental and physical - is the heavy hitter in this story. It is explicit and painful and heartbreaking. Consider this your warning. ABUSE. Explicit, agonizing depictions of trauma, and being used as a bargaining chip between two different but equally terrible parents - if any of that sets you off, DO NOT READ THIS STORY. 

Read here:https://archiveofourown.org/series/646532

16. Under Wing [Harry Potter/Katekyou Hitman Reborn Crossover]

By Reighost

Prophesies were tricky things and lies are even trickier. Sirius’s death becomes a catalyst and Dumbledore’s lies crumple like a house of cards. Harry is left with a burning question... Who is he really? Crossover with Katekyou Hitman Reborn!

Word Count: 145,771

Status: WiP

This story goes hard on the angst right out of the gate. And I do mean hard. Oh my god. A literal mindfuck that will leave you gasping. Psychological manipulation and torture, mind rape, body horror, and non-sexual indecent treatment of a corpse to start with. However, there is a lot of good content in this hurt/comfort fic. The author has not only brought HP and KHR together but has blended elements and characters from Spirited Away, Cardcaptor Sakura and xxxHolic together in such a way that despite all the horror, there’s actually a lot of redeeming charm. You will never find a better interpretation of the Hibari family than the Hibari’s that Reighost writes about in her universes, and this story contains a flashback to the Hibari parents meetcute and it is adorable and hilarious. While this is a wip, it’s at a very good stopping point that’s more or less the end of a story arc - so don’t let the thoughts of a slow wip put you off. This is your warning: Mind-control and mind-control recovery, and gore, all quite explicit. If that sets you off, DO NOT READ. There’s a reason this story is so far down the list. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123387/chapters/2264363

17. Distorting Equivalency [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Ranowa Hikura

All Ed knows is that he’s been kidnapped by a madman. 

Word Count: 173,000

Status: Complete

Go hard or go home. This is 27 chapters of kidnapping, explicit torture, and unethical alchemical experimentation with chimeras. All those feelings you have about Nina? Dial it up to eleven (to point out, Tucker and Nina are not featured characters in this story - unfortunately that disaster has already happened). A hurt/comfort fic with a very good resolution. Also becomes eventual Paternal!Roy and Ed. This is your warning: If explicit, repeated torture and body horror set you off, AVOID THIS FIC. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12116762/1/Distorting-Equivalency#end

18. I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be) [Homestuck]

By [orphan_account]

Guys don’t get raped. 

Okay, so maybe they do, sometimes. But that’s only when they’re ganged up in an alley way and shoved against a wall and get some other guy’s dick in their ass without permission. It’s forceful and bloody and masculine. At least, that’s how the media sells it.

But this isn’t rape.

When a girl buys you drinks and takes you home and crawls on top of you - well, that’s every guy’s wet dream. 

When she’s grinding down onto you and her hands are holding yours to her breasts and she’s whispering filthy, filthy things into your ear, that’s not rape.

That’s not rape no matter how many times you say no.

Word Count: 33,386

Status: Complete

This is your explicit warning: Rape. The scene is non-graphic (lead-up with fade-to-black scenario) and takes place in the first chapter. Trauma, self-harm, suicidal ideation, destructive behavior, mentions of homophobia. If the summary of this story isn’t enough of a warning, then here you go. DO NOT READ if this is what sets you off. Hurt/comfort and ANGSTANGSTANGST aside, the aspect that I appreciate most about this story is how it deals with trying to come to terms with a trauma you don’t know how to articulate (to yourself or others). I don’t generally do stories that rely on miscommunication, but in this case, it makes sense: it’s less about miscommunication for the sake of plot, and more the lack of ability to articulate effectively, which. Yeah. Dark, angsty hurt/comfort that eventually ends on a positive, hopeful note. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777171/chapters/1462358?view_adult=true

DUN DUN DUN - THE BIG THREE 

Let’s call it a three-way tie, because there is SO MUCH PAIN in each of these stories, honestly I really can’t pick an order for them.

19. Sacrifices Arc [Harry Potter]

By Lightning on the Wave

Harry’s twin Connor is the Boy Who Lived, and Harry is devoted to protecting him by making himself look ordinary. But certain people won’t let Harry stay in the shadows...

Word Count: 3,081,000

Status: Complete

Wrong Boy Who Lived. Severitus, Slytherin!Harry. Drarry. If those are on your radar, this may be the story for you. Just beware literally everything else. Torture, mind-control and manipulation, child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect, rape, cannibalism (is it cannibalism when it’s a werewolf eating a human child), trauma, destructive behavior, violent loss of limb, blood, gore, viscera, necromancy - these are just some of the explicit things that take place in the series. There are eight works in the Sacrifices Arc, and they mirror the canon Harry Potter series in that they start at mild and slightly odd and become darker and more horrifying. This is a very, very long series, and it hits a lot of milestones within the HP fandom. There are lovely moments of tenderness, the OC’s are magnificent and well-developed, and while heavy-handed from time to time, the author explores notions of morality and spends a lot of time on magical theory and world-building. If you haven’t read Sacrifices Arc and want more information, google it’s tvtropes page. I would recommend doing so just to determine whether or not the story is safe for you to read if you’re concerned about it, because there is a LOT going on. Otherwise, start with the first story in the series (“Saving Connor”) and proceed with caution. You will absolutely be wrung out before you finish.

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/u/895946/

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt [Danny Phantom]

By HaiJu

Locked away in a secret government lab with Phantom as her subject, nothing stands between Maddie and the truth... except, perhaps, herself.

Word Count: 366,000

Status: Complete

Do you want to get fucking wrecked? Because this series will do it. Holy shit. I still can’t believe I got through it. This is so well-written and so. Fucking. Painful. The first entry in the series, Phantom of Truth, absolutely GOES THERE. The second entry is... everything that comes after. I don’t feel like it spoils anything to tell you that Maddie is not the person who captures Danny Phantom, or that she does not know he’s her son. Make of that what you will. Also, the first story does have a good resolution and does not end on a cliffhanger, so if you need to take a break after, you should. Bonding happens, and I wouldn’t call it Stockholm Syndrome, since it’s between Maddie and Danny, but I also wouldn’t say it doesn’t overlap. This story is absolute fucking angst. Shadow of a Doubt explores not only the traumatic repercussions on Maddie and Danny and their relationship, but on their friends, family, acquaintances and even enemies. There are some very good OC’s that come into play later on. You know, between all the angst and pain. Tread carefully: If you think you’ll be set off by torture and abuse, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. I cannot stress that enough. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7476808/1/Phantom-of-Truth

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9683169/1/Shadow-of-a-Doubt

[It’s worth mentioning that HaiJu has an ao3, but they haven’t finished crossposting Shadow of a Doubt to their account]

21. Like One Sundered Star Series [Homestuck]

By oriflamme

Who are these shining like one sundered star? 

[Like kindled lights in untempestuous heaven,

Fair flower-like stars or the iron foam of fight.]

———

Teenage superheroes deal with hormones, mental illness, and extremely secretive guardians in a world of Horrorterrors, giant mutant lucii, mob violence, nightmares of a past life, warring anti-heroes, and asshole carapacians. Sburb AU divergence from Real Men Wear Tights. 

Word Count: 1,712,155

Status: Complete

Welcome to the AU of an AU that did a double reach-around back into canon and became a reincarnation AU. It’s fucking excellent and also fucking traumatic. Body horror, blood and gore and viscera, torture, emotional manipulation, mind control, child abuse, emotional abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms, attempted suicide/suicidal ideation, codependency, alcohol abuse, just to name a significant few. This is a huge pale-tango clusterfuck and it’s glorious. The world-building is insane. Richly developed OC’s, good use of languages, images that a slowly incorporated into a story of increasing breadth and complexity - and a fucking bombshell that will hit you really, really hard about midway through the story. So much pain. Again, this is another series with a tvtropes page that you should visit if you have any concerns before reading, because there is just that much going on. There are three works in this series, two are companions to the main body of work. Proceed with caution, because this will squeeze the life out of you. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/56682

Welp.

[animation-recaps-by-sean]

Steven Universe-Change Your Mind Recap

This took forever. A very belated look at the season five finale. Steven faces off against White Diamond. Spoilers below.

Well...That was certainly a mixed bag. There have been a lot of discourse over if the diamonds deserve to be redeemed or if the show should even redeemed them. Well, they redeemed them. And it really doesn’t work. And it’s not completely the shows fault, it is a little and I’ll get into that a little later, but here’s a problem. This is not a time for a redemption story about evil dictators. There is a monster in the White House who is starving people so he can build a wall to keep people of a different race out, people are making excuses for shitty white supremacist for mocking indigenous people, and trans people are being kicked out of armed services. And a lot of people myself included are a little uncomfortable with this. We want to see these types of villains torn down not redeemed with the power of love. Granted I’m sure the crewniverse thought of all this way back during the show’s development way back in 2012/2013. Any there were no way of knowing that Nazi sympathizers would take control of the federal government. Four years ago it wouldn’t been that big of a deal.  But they could of you know, course corrected while producing the show but whatever. Maybe in a few years, this might age better, when the political climate claims down, but well have to wait and see.  

Anywho, the episode proper begins with living another one of Pink’s memories. Blue is chiding Pink over letting a bunch of organics lose. Steven has a vision of White while he flashes between Rose and Pink. It’s pretty creep and a nice visualization of Steven identity issues. I seen most people think the Pink’s memories are White implanting them into Steven, which would match the diamond psychic powers that the Steven has shown to have. But how would White have Pink memories at all? Hmmm.

Steven gets Blue on his side, and she takes him and Connie where the gems are being held, bubbled and surrounded by Gem experiments. This does draw up one criticism. The Diamond redemption is really focused on their relationship with Pink while downplaying all the colonialism and torture they commented. It seems strange that they would show the gem mutants and just completely drop them. Maybe they plan are doing something with them for season 6.  

Blue and Yellow fight, Yellow gives in as the fighting is dragged outside. Yellow breaks down and join the others. I really like the line stop using yours powers on me blue. But the Crystal Gems are still poofed. A direct hit by Yellow Diamond really takes it out of them.

White Pearl stops them at Pink’s ship. The Legs and White’s head merge into the Megazord. But Bismuth, Lapis,  and Peridot fly down with Blue and Yellow’s arms.  I love Lapis sweatpants, but I will miss her dress. And peridot’s is perfectly extra, complete with Gurren Lagann glasses.

Yellow and Blue try to talk to White, only to find themselves assimilated. Steven awakens the other gems by fusing. I like everyone’s new costumes, except Garnet’s glasses. I liked her old style better. Bismuth gives Connie a new sword. The Crystal gems form in Obsidian, who still only reach the Megazord’s knee. They claim up, bringing Connie along. They defuse so they could fit in the entrance. And Steven sticks the superhero landing.

Steven assimilates the Crystals Gems and a devastating speech about Rose. About how she surrounds with lesser Gems to make herself best of the worst, about how she brings the worst in everyone. It’s a really chilling speech. The only problem there’s no real retort. Steven answer is “I’m not my Mom” which is true and fits  the theme, but Steven or anyone could have flipped it onto White. Feels like a wasted opportunity to me.

White rips out Steven’s gem so that Pink can reform, but she doesn’t. Steven does. Made of pure Pink light. And Steven can see through both his and Pink Steven’s  eyes. White wants to know where Pink is. But Steven screams she’s gone.  Cracking the ground and White’s platform. Steven is himself, not his mom in a meat suit. There is a strong Trans theme in here that more qualified people have discussed elsewhere, so I’ll leave it at that.

White is shocked. Pink can’t be gone. She angrily yells at Steven  to stop acting like a child, but he is a child, what’s her excuse? And with that White surrenders and returns everyone home. She and the other diamonds uncorrupt all the gems, including a very confused Jasper.Also Lars returns home with the off colors. That subplot kind of went nowhere. Cut momenet between him and sadie though

Yeah, that was too easy. Yellow and Blue I get as, we’ve gotten to know them over the last few seasons, but we just met White. This feels unearned. I’m sure there were a lot of behind the scenes stuff going on that would explain this, but it hurts the fell product. And as Steven sings us out, the season ends. There’s the movie and an allied season six, but I haven’t anything thing from cartoon Network, but the crew still seems to be working.

This episode was Steven Universe distilled, heavily flawed, weird pacing, but fun, heartfelt, and incredibly emotional. I was a bit disappointed after my first viewing, but I’ve warmed up to it as wrote this. I mean if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs.