#(sometimes from stress but still)
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Sam and Max if they were cool /j
#sam and max#crunchchute art#my art#somehow this shitposty art piece made me emotional while drawing#i miss highschool and my friends and just going on school trips and stuff listening to shitty scene music like botdf#and playing the songs on a phone close to our ears or sharing an earbud on the bus#and being fucking cringy and shit man i wish i experienced more of that#perhaps i wasted my teen years on stress and worrying so im dressing like this now to make up for it#i know you wont see this D and im sorry i was being awful to you sometimes but i liked teasing you as if you were my sibling#i really miss those times. and i know i could always reach out to you but you moved on and im still stuck so i wont. but im thinking about#you from time to time! and the little fun we had back in hs. i really felt like i could be myself when hanging out with you#and i thought about you making this piece. me as max u as sam that would fit lmao#<- hes getting sappy missing the idea of his friends 10 years ago that only exists in memories now because everyone except him grew up
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Different Italian anon, but the thing with Tuscan C is that it's pronounced like a very strong H sound, which is extra weird cuz the letter H makes no sound in Italian, normally. It sounds the way Spanish pronounce the J. We say it's "aspirato". So then people from there will say things like Hoha Hola (coca cola), and it's funny. It's also extremely contagious, I got family in Florence, you spend 3 days with them you start doing it too before you even realize.
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#that sounds really endearing actually#answered#anonymous#this is entirely beside the point but I still feel sort of bamboozled by languages that have silent letters#or when letters have multiple pronunciations that vary wildly from word to word#and when the sound and the letter don't seem to match like how J sounds very close to H in Spanish like you mentioned#I'm generalizing a little but none of these are really a thing in Finnish#in Finnish words are pretty much always pronounced the way they are written if that makes sense#I don't know the language terminology but I think phonetic spelling is what you call it#each letter represents a specific sound and you string those together#when you hear a word you can always tell how it's written and when you read a word you know how to pronounce it#even if you're encountering the word for the first time and have no idea what it means#it's comparatively direct and predictable there's practically no need for guessing or memorizing#also the stress is always on the first syllabe and it's so subtle it might as well not be there at all#which sometimes makes spoken Finnish and Finnish accent sound kind of monotonous there isn't a lot of intonation#I was extremely confused by the concept of spelling bees as a kid#anyway long tag ramble but this stuff is just interesting to me
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thinking about how dean’s character gets simplified in fandom, or more specifically, the very black and white lens that gets applied to him. because integral to dean, from my point of view, is that he is both a victim of abuse and a perpetrator of it. that these two things do not cancel each other out or outweigh each other to the point that only one matters. he’s both, you cannot separate him from the fact that he’s both.
but very often, people do. dean is either a victim. or he’s an abuser. it’s like it’s hard for people to hold both those facts in their heads at once. dean went through incredible amount of trauma as a child and an adult, is routinely faced with violence, has resorted to alcohol abuse to cope with it. he’s also a violent person, someone who retreats into tactics of emotional abuse and control when he feels threatened, who hurts the people around him constantly and the people who are closest to him (ie Sam, Cas, later Jack) get the brunt of that abuse. these are just facts. they’re things that happened on the screen and cannot be denied.
and it’s. idk it’s weird to me (not unexpected, because he’s hardly the only character to ever get this treatment) that dean of all people is the one portrayed in such an either/or way when one of the defining moments of the show for him is that during his stint in Hell, he was tortured and then became a torturer to escape that, to feel like he had some control again, and he relished in it. it’s baked into who he is.
#dean as a victim of abuse who goes on to continue those behaviors is still important to me surprise surprise#i didnt want to put this in the main post but also. from observation. when people start projecting onto him This Gets Worse#because. you know. as noted before: big fandom - lots of queer & neurodivergent people here.#tend to be targetted by abuse. statistically.#and mix that with a character you can project heavily upon. one you can project queer/neurodivergent hcs on even.#then like! understandably stressful to reckon with him being canonically kind of shitty sometimes! no one wants to consider their own#potential for shittiness - not even through a character they just heavily relate to!#(note: opposite happens as well. people project onto sam -> see dean hurt sam -> block out the idea that dean could be just as much victim#as he is abuser. its just. easier like that.)#anyway. none of this is like. a crime. just an observation. really we get all our biases from the society we live in — a society obsessed#with perfect victims and evil unredeemable abusers.#all that stuff leaks into fandom takes whether we want it to or not#dean winchester#spn
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sooooooo when i jokingly said to myself "haha did ruan mei play aeonic necromancy on tingyun's remains or something" i wasn't expecting that to literally be the case what the fuck
#ON ONE HAND! TINGYUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ON THE OTHER! HELLO???????????????????????????????????#that was a really good update . a little clunky in those transitions sometimes but ooooh boy that came together GOOD#jiaoqiu nearly sent me into hysterics i was so upset . and flabbergasted. mostly flabbergasted#also the part where hoolay let him go for a little bit and you had the option to try asking for help#with severe consequences to be reaped afterwards. that was so nervewracking#i ended up doing it once out of curiosity and immediately regretted it and was horribly anxious the rest of the time i was running around#and yeah those consequences sure do. Consequence#props to the writers and stuff for that one that was great i felt ill#FEIXIAO... GOD FEIXIAOOOOO OHHHH BOY I LOVE HERRR what a great character#i hoped and i prayed and i dreamed for a deep dive into her condition and not a vague gloss-over as hyv loves to do AND I GOT IT#moze didn't do enough tricks (aka just . being a part of the story and interacting with other characters) for me to care about him still#it's like#the yaoqing trio: yay yahoo yippee WOOOO YAYYYY#moze by himself: closes my eyes forever#DO MORE TRICKS FOR ME#lingsha's pretty cool. i will save her from her bad design#oh oh oh YANQING!!!!!!!!!! USING WHAT JINGLIU TAUGHT HIM AND IMMOBILIZING HOOLAY ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!!! OH YM GOD#MY LITTLE BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#that cutscene was terrifying i almost died of stress . i'm so proud of you yanqing. never do that again#i had fun and now it's 3 am and i have work in the morning. help me
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The very funny thing about having finally recovered from depression after being depressed for literally decades is. Even though I'm no longer depressed. My kneejerk initial reaction when I get overwhelmed is like "fuck it time to die" and then, because I have spent a lot of time and intention and money on therapy, my IMMEDIATE next thought is "no you won't babe, eat some broccoli. Go for a run. Go see ur friends" and the moment I've done any combination of those things I'm like singing showtunes about how good life is. Like ok brain i understand you spent the last fifteen years in a critical state but maybe we can do the broccoli first next time. Vegetables before defaulting to Habitual Symptoms please.
#Mental health#depression#Suicide mention#It's like when you heal from an injury.#A while back I fucked up my knee.#Limped on it for weeks#And it hurt for longer#To the point where I was always mentally bracing whenever i stood up from a chair#Ready to hurt#So that when i “graduated” physical therapy#I was still bracing every single time i moved#Ready for it to hurt. But it didn't#And like. Will that injury still tweak a little sometimes? If I Don't Take Care Of it?#Yeah. But it's almost totally gone. And for months I was shocked every time I braced to hurt and there was nothing there#So when I get stressed i like. Preemptively brace to be suicidal#to hate myself and my life again#And then .... I'm kind of surprised when I... don't.#I know my depression is cured because i know what it feels like to be depressed. Just like i know what it's like to hurt.#And the absence still strikes me sometimes#the way the sun shines through a gap in the trees that's created when you cut down something diseased and dead.#And you're like. God rays. For years there was a shadow here and now there are sunbeams.#No-- there were always sunbeams.
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Body hurts and brain 2 fuzzy to draw so y'all know what that means ( go to bed early time)
#been going to bed early a lot lately#but to be fair ive had body pain like every day ;-;#i think its cause Im working a lot more than usual#like 4 days a week#haha#this week is gonna be really really really stressful#yayyyy#anyway big boss comes to our store on Tuesdat#i hope i get fired itd be so funny#for what? idk#i just think itd be funny#also this isnt meant to be a vent sorry#im just writing it down cause i sometimes forget#which makes it hard for me to want to go ti the doctor#cause my pain varies a lot and when im imaginging the convo id have with the doctor#theres a lot of 'i dont remember the pain level or the area '#cause i have memory issues#and also cause it changes day to day#lately its been hands and arms which is a nice change from knees and legs!!#so yay for that!#those still hurt but im p sure thats just from standing all day at work lmao#anyway gn#done rambling#if youve read this far im sorry
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oh so alisaie’s exaggerated bully behavior is 80% fanon. saying this she casually picks up a large rock
#say one thing wrong to me and you will have a wonderful few days with the rock#if angry silly girls have 100 fans etc if they have 0 fans i have died#sorry i saw a YouTube meme i vehemently disliked on principle and got mad at the only child behavior-#kipspeak#she is just short tempered and uses anger to mask other more ‘shameful’ emotions!!! alphy did the same thing with just deciding not#to express them. which is still not good and I think why he breaks and ends up teary so often now#this shortness does not translate to actually being mean to people. she only uses being mean as a shield for herself and being snarky#Is just fun for her. it’s fun for Me. you have to inconsequentually tease people or they’ll never learn to laugh at themselves#the twins and thancred 🫵 do this thing where they have big emotions but they don’t want anyone to SEE they have big weird emotions#so alphy pretends he doesn’t have them under a veneer of dignity and alisaie pretends the emotions are Something Else. thancred is#just so emotionally constipated he has trouble expressing anything. he’s got enough baggage for a flatbed#anyways. alisaie is such a compassionate and kind girl and she learned how to make snarky jokes and went ham. and she hates appearing sad o#weak or vulnerable so she blocks it off with an unapproachable emotion so no one pities her and they maybe get on with the plot#it is in fact also great at getting ppl to move away from the sad or embarrassing topic. even if the tradeoff is being more offputting#she would never (grabs youtube meme) she would never seriously bully her brother. this is sibling ribbing only. Cain instinct#just leave her be she is learning how to snark humor and she loves it she loves being sharp. alphy has wit he just keeps it close#my brother didn’t learn how to tell or receive a joke until he was 14 he took everything so seriously. he can do it now though and he’s#HILARIOUS. Don’t tell him I said that. my man knows exactly where the funny points are even if he hasn’t learned when to stop yet#too many tags. Whatever. jokey snark alisaie who sometimes compliments is happy alisaie grouchy snappy angry alisaie is way too stressed#very easy way to tell between the two. even alphy can tell between the two I believe! He tends to rib back in protest if they’re having fun#and try to stop her if they’re not having fun. case in point ‘what is that supposed to mean?!’ vs ‘alisaie ryne was only trying to help.’#I know they’re twins but that’s such an intensely older sibling thing to do that it reels me#LONG TAGS AND THREE EDITS TO ADD ON SHORT I resent this stereotype taken too far into ooc behavior. it happened with nya#It will happen again and as a postscript let me regale you with Things U Can Notice About Character Motivation and Actions—#I’m not done let me s#she and raha are friends now I decree. ‘haha you like me’ SPUTTERING PROTEST FROM BOTH
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Hey y'all! The merry-go-round of doctors* I am on seems to be cycling back around towards an allergist again, and I have a question for y'all because idk how to word this for doctors: How do you word "if it walks like and allergy and quacks like an allergy it's an allergy" to an allergist? Less flippantly, I have allergy symptoms that multiple doctors have said allergies should not be able to cause. Mainly, my first allergy symptom is high blood pressure**, which if left untreated will progress to migraines, stomach issues, and eventually a bad blood pressure crash***. I have been told allergies do not raise blood pressure, but mine is caused by specific foods most of the time and taking a benadryl stops the reaction, so I have no idea what else it could be? But my main food allergy is acetic acid/vinegar, which I have also had multiple doctors tell me it is not possible to be allergic to
*the "you have a problem but not one I can fix try this kind of specialist instead" mobile **130s/80s, not super high, but high for me ***80s/40s
#the person behind the yarn#medical mention#I do sometimes have allergic reactions caused by acute stress or anger#so that's. fun. pretty sure that's MCAS though#but like idk how to convince doctors it's allergies#I know they might not be IgE mediated allergies but still allergies right? if benadryl fixes them?#most people don't get like two day headaches from eating peas?#I do think coconut might be my one true IgE mediated allergy on account of the immediate wheezing when I eat it#but the rest I fully admit are weird#the last allergist wants me to get a blood test DURING an allergic reaction#but I have learned the magic words about that one!#the magic words are: I tested on the very high end of normal tryptase levels when NOT having an allergic reaction#and my main severe allergic reaction symptom is uncontrollable vomiting. which makes it difficult for me to get that bloodwork done#so far I've only said it to like three doctors and every single one was like yes! fair! understandable!
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Hullo!! Just wanted to give a belated thank you for all the well wishes, I really appreciate them all :'D I definitely seem to be on the mend! I've been having an...interesting health time this year, but I'm working on it. I've started getting more sleep, at least, which is helping — sleep deprivation makes my digestive issues way, way worse. And also makes it more likely that I'll get sick in general aksjdfksjdf
But yeah, anyway! With luck I will be able to get more things done this week, as long as I can avoid making my body rebel against me again!
#I have had IBS for around eight years now and yet I still struggle to manage it sometimes aksdjfksdjf#not sure if there are food triggers I'm missing or if it's just a combination of stress and sleep and other environmental issues#ah well#...I also need to be more careful when I'm exhausted lol I injured my right hand twice this week#one while trying to cook and one while trying to unhook my cat's claw from a blanket he was stuck on#I need that hand for drawinggg#senhart rambles#health mention
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"im a magician, i just dont bang on about it"
missing marvin the magnificent hours </3
#jacksepticeye#marvin the magnificent#septicart#just like art#fun fact: this pose (???) and inspiration to draw marv again came from a comedy panel show my parents have gotten super into recently#hence the caption: its just a line from the bit this is from lmfao#also hello! im still waiting for uni to start up again#and im trying to be productive before it starts#so im going for my licence sometime soon (april lol)#and im currently hemorrhaging money from seeing doctors about this long term pain ive had for YEARS#going into the city to see one and its gonna be $300 bc life is nothing but agony and suffering#so im thinking about opening commissions???? its still super up in the air#ive only done commissions from people i know lmfao and even then it was stressful tbh#either that or i get another job lmfao#but besides that: ive been good! and i wish the same for you! good night!
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you'll be pleased to know that on my first day back at my job after my two week vacation i am already in one of my semi-regular Job Crises where i feel like if i dont find a new, better job soon im going to explode into 5 billion pieces
#in case you were wondering if i was handling it well#considering getting some sort of degree . but i cant afford that!!!!!!!!!#but i may need one. if i want a better job........#this is so evil. where are the jobs where you can just do fuck all#in all seriousness back to the degree thing im considering getting a degree in library sciences but i dont even have a bachelors 💀#i was too broke for college! had to work! still have to work! no time or money to go to college then or now!#my crisis aside its extremely funny to me how im not even through my first day back and im like oh lol right i hate every minute of this 👍#also im trying not to have Severe guilt abt the ticket(s) i bought the other day like some crazy person but thats another story#yes ill make the money back yes ill enjoy the show but the Guilt..........#which was entirely because my dad was like >:( when i told him i got a ticket for a Far Lesser amount#and im just hoping he doesnt notice how much my bank account has gone down. oops#but that aside and back to my job crisis:#i cant stand it here!!!!!! i really do hate it!!! and i need a new job. however? everything abt the job process is awful and against me#i was planning on writing an article when i got back from vacation but you guessed it im now too stressed/upset to be creative#which is hampering any possibility of my creative aspirations becoming some sort of career#im so tired. already right back to where i was before my vacation when i really needed a vacation#:( . like ill be fine lol i just. am going through it and these tags have gone on too long#but i think i really will get worse if i stay here for longer and its not even that bad but by god sometimes it is#anyway . im taking it well
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random thoughts from walking through the forest that I will (probably) flesh out later: what if this depression is just grief? and the hypomania too, a desperate action and lasting intense motivation to prevent future grief?
#personal mental health tag#not really sure if I should put this on the bipolar tag but hey whatever this is not medical advice#to be clear they’re still very real mood symptoms. but every feeling is caused by something right?#just like anxiety that comes from say. my pda profile and easily activated stress response. is still anxiety though it is also something el#bluescarf if you’re here I feel like you might like thinking through this with me if you’re up to it! if not I’ll come say hi sometime
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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.
#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries#and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes#but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month#i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent#and that's the way it's been my whole life#all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over#my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter#i never go to the movies#i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year#i go to restaurants like... once a month max#i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures#i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture#and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously#i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time#just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is#it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent#my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account#i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to#but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment#i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor#i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries#this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me#how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money#cosmo gyres#personal
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Time for more eternal gales isat au, this time featuring Sier as Isabeau, creating a sprite I can never use next to Aris’ because despite my best efforts it would make them look tall
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc#oc art#isat#in stars and time#this one didn’t take nearly as long as the aris one but I think I suffered for it more from the clothes alone#siffrin made me forget I suck at drawing clothes rip#this was also harder because of how much trickier it was to try and adapt siers design to feel fitting enough for my standards#they have a very stylized design compared to most of the others#I kind of took the lazy route out by keeping most of their original shapes in tact but it’s fine#sier in this au would serve the needed role of emotionally intelligent bestie who is also too scared to cross boundaries to do much#but despite this I do think they’d actually get the suspicion quest in this au#mostly because mase is a furry artist not a nerd and sier would be more likely to look at aris and go bro. are you in a fucking timeloop.#it also differs in that aris doesn’t yell at sier abt it instead looping before they can finish because she can’t handle hearing them be#right on the money about this thing that she thought she was handling perfectly#she doesn’t want to fail them she doesn’t want them to realize she’s failed them she doesn’t want to be a burden she doesn’t want them to#‘realize’ they’re better off without her#aris is Incredibly resistant to accepting help on most serious issues because shes convinced that it’s her responsibility to deal with it#by herself and that if she can’t then she’s a failure and worse than useless#I mean in canon eternal gales she literally loses her eye and arm because of that#in this au she just lost them how sif lost his eye but she still has. complexes abt all that.#but yeah sier also differs wildly from isa in many Many other ways as does the rest of the cast from their assigned characters#for sier they rly aren’t the jock of the group at all instead being more of the guy who keeps the mood lighthearted at all times lest they#die of stress because the others haven’t said anything in a whole 30 seconds#aka they’re the self assigned peacekeeper who doesn’t actually need to constantly keep the peace because no one’s fighting but they still#feel like they need to so they dance and dance and dance for their friends until they collapse from exhaustion#metaphorically ofc#this is why they’re both terrified to confront aris when she starts acting a bit fucked up but also why they still do sometimes anyways#they talk abt this a lil bit in their friend quest as they talk abt how they want to change but are scared to
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something invokes the carnal rage in me when a grown man rages like a two-year old over a video game
#it makes me think of the mothers trying to act like theyre defusing an already blown up bomb and it's literally just#idk#it just gives me the ick im srry the moment i hear one 'me' entitled statement and it's not like#clearly burnt out 'i kinda know im being ironic' ventong#venting LMAO#and just genuine sorrow for urself#over a Digital Game#i just cant srry#maybe it's my youngest to an older brother who everyone gets the ages flipped around Not just from looks but actual Acting#syndrome#and of course context plays a part too like if u have a stressful af job and just wanted to rewind? understandable. id be pissed too#but mfers who just Sit there and continue to stink the whole room up is like. ok. get some air or smthin#i do Not fuck around with throwing or damaging expensive shit ESPECIALLY if u did not pay for it#idk im naturally good at video games i think only bcs i only had access to old one that were way above my age audience#so i had to develop a sense of patterning not just to have competition but to just play the game at all#but still i have gotten frustrated at games bcs everyone gets frustrated at smthing#but usually now. at my grown age. (even tho i Rarely ever game anymore bcs i cant rlly so anything not active in my mind#bcs of Guilt and Constant Dread of Judgement)#when i find myself getting frustrated it's bcs im purposefully either playing a harder level/mode/with better ppl so i can advance#and the advancing is just not happening#i acknowledge that and accept not every difficulty can be passed at one time or at all sometimes in my limited time/care so i just either#Shut it Off. or go back down to a pace i know can just be carefree#i DO have a thing where i Need to end on a win. which is not good bcs i do that with everythin (like sports) in order to justify me quittin#but if i have to get out of the rlly competitive lobby to get my dopamine then i will bcs this is meant to give u that#anyways it's just insane. ted complains abt superfocus while being superfocused himself on the concept of superfocus#the neverending story#DO anything not active** idk it's my fear of death maybe that i disease myself with everything needing a purpose when it comes to gain
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please pray for me I feel like I'm falling apart
#somewhat surprisingly I mean physically#I have this one sensitive spot on my gums that off and on bothers me sometimes that's flaring up#and a swollen gland or smth in my neck -- again something that's happened before is probably caused by stress and always#goes away in a day or two#and I have been chugging water but I still feel dehydrated#amongst other things#I know it's probably stress from being in charge of a whole house and farm by myself for two weeks#(my usual gig is two dogs and two horses for four days at a time#)#allll of my issues can probably be explained by the stress of being Locationally Isolated but it's stressing me out#even MORE#like. help#anyway.#prayer request#Lu rambles
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