#(so it's been a bit of a mental seesaw lately)

[blueheartedmayor]

OOC: I think I'm mostly on top of things but I intend to sneak my laptop into the work space at some point today if it isn't too busy.

[capricornwriter5]

OUR SEESAW - Chapter 15

Pairing: Min Yoongi x female OC

Genre: idol au, Suga X female OC, smut, fluff, angst, college romance, friends to lovers, exes to lovers, happy ending. ⚠️Warning: mentions of mental health affections, drugs, explicit sex

Words: 6k

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Chapter 15 - Burning Up

Woosung and Hobi's birthday came, and the singer had offered his house for a pre-celebration with his closest circle. It wasn't supposed to be a huge party, just drinking some cocktails and eating some snacks. 

Woosung had barely finished bathing and was walking around the house shirtless with his hair still soaked when Emmy knocked on his door.

“Hi! You came ear...” Unable to finish his sentence, Woosung gawked at his friend, his drool practically spilling out. She looked breathtaking in a tiny black dress. "Damn, Emm!"

The girl didn't reply, as she was very busy picking up a box of champagne bottles. "Directly from France to you, happy birthday!" She congratulated smiling from ear to ear and handing them to him.

“Wow… looks like someone's feeling better." 

"Has anyone else arrived yet?"

"No, it's still too early, they'll be here in an hour, maybe an hour and a half."

"So... do we have time?"

Woosung was placing the champagne on a table, but upon hearing his friend's words, he turned around with a leering look. "I haven't heard those words in a long time. I thought you didn't want..."

"That I didn't want? Woo, you've known me for YEARS, how do you say something like that? But tell me, what can you offer today?"

"Whatever you want, as always..." He answered in an alluring manner.

"Are you sure we have enough time?"

The eyes, the smile, the way she held Woosung's hands to make him hurry, everything, absolutely all of Emmy's body language showed the excitement she felt.

“That's not a problem, time has never been. And if you're worried about that, it's nothing a phone call can't fix.”

As if that apartment were her home, Emmy walked to Woosung's room with him, and that's when the singer understood what his friend meant. Emm wasn't looking to sleep with him like in the old days, she wanted the drug that Woosung kept.

The singer laughed at himself and was about to try to convince her to have fun together, but seeing what Emmy was pulling out, his eyes widened exaggeratedly.

“Are you planning to mix those two?”

"It's not the first time, why are you surprised?"

"I thought you didn't want something so wild for today."

"Hey! It's your birthday and Hobi's, my two best friends! How can I not celebrate it as it deserves?" 

"Sure..." Silently, he watched as Emm used two different types of drugs, and although it was not common for him, he got a little anxious about it. "Emm, you haven't been okay and that's a bit strong, don't you think you should tone it down a bit?"

"This is nothing."

For a few minutes, Woosung did nothing but pay attention to her, dismayed that she would lose control too quickly; however, the minutes passed, and Emmy looked fine.

"What's up with you? When did you start to be the serious and responsible friend?”

"At least she's not yelling at me for not helping Yoongi..." he thought while taking a little of what Emmy had consumed.

Thus, a while passed in which both talked and laughed remembering their last birthdays.

"I had forgotten how wild turned out to be last year's party."

“Do you actually remember anything from that day, Woo? You were so wasted.”

"What I still don't quite understand is how we got to the beach so fast. I mean… we were in the heart of the city and suddenly the sea was in front of me.”

"You say that like you haven't done the same thing countless times." Woosung laughed, and after smoking from the joint he held in his fingers, he remained silent. "What's going on?"

“Nothing, I was just remembering that night. You looked gorgeous, like today… ” Woosung was about to caress Emmy's leg, but the girl didn't allow him, and standing up, she cleared her throat. “Come on, Emm, what's up with you lately, huh? It had never been so long since we last fucked. How much longer will I need to wait?"

Thinking it was a joke, the girl couldn't help but laugh; yet, Woosung looked at her from head to toe, making his intentions more than clear.

"You're joking, right?"

“When have I ever joked about this? I've always taken sex very seriously, mainly if it's with you because it's amazing.” He simply explained.

"Woosung, I have a boyfriend."

"So what? I have had them too, but that has never been an impediment. We're the perfect match, no strings attached, no…”

“I told you that my relationship with Yoongi is serious.”

“I know, I'm not telling you to break up with him. Besides, you told me that nothing would change between us. And look at us now, talking like two average friends when we could be fucking as we’ve done for years.”

“I'm not single anymore, and there's no way I'm gonna risk my relationship."

Emmy called it quits, but for the musician it was not over. It was the first time Emmy had rejected him and she didn't seem to want to change her mind.

"Emm, what the fuck? Are you serious? It's been MONTHS since we were last together. What's different that you're dating Yoongi now? It's just sex."

Ironically, that came out from the only person in that room for whom those words made no sense. He had wanted to convince himself that it was just sex, but it never really was. Knowing that he wasn't going to have anything serious with Emmy, he had settled for sleeping with her. At least for a few nights, he could feel that they were more than friends. If he had managed to be “chill” with the whole Yoongi situation, it was only because he could swear that he and Emmy would continue to have their casual sexual encounters.

“Woo, I truly care about Yoongi.”

"Are you telling me that you went to Capri and didn't sleep with anyone?"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you. Yoongi means too much to me to play with him. I had never thought that I could have something like that with someone, but I have it with him."

“So, you and I don't…?”

"No, Woo. But you have so many beautiful girls waiting for you!”

Emmy winked at him, having no idea what her best friend really felt. Woosung had always been so open with all his relationships and so casual in referring to his sexual encounters, that Emmy could never imagine that he might feel something else. Added to the musician's true feelings, Woosung's pride was hurt that night. It was the first time he heard a no coming from someone’s lips, even worse, from his best friend’s lips, the person with whom he had started his sexual life, with whom he had lived endless experiences and with whom, deep down, he always thought he would have a future.

At that time Woosung couldn't understand two basic things. The first, how much Emmy loved Yoongi, and the second, how dysfunctional he and Emmy would be together. There was no way in which a serious relationship between the two of them could work, they had many issues to resolve. His blindness and pride were about to lead him to make a whole scene of jealousy saying how absurd monogamy seemed to him; however, Woosung was speechless when he saw his friend consuming again.

"Emmy, what…?"

"I think they're knocking on the door. While you open, I'll clean this and go to the bathroom." 

************

Since Yoongi had to work late that night, he could only make it to the celebration quite late into the night. He would not miss it just because he had promised Emmy that he would accompany her and because he had given his word to Hobi that he would go; yet something about that party gave him a bad feeling. Jin and Namjoon's messages only confirmed what he believed. They both told him to hurry up because he was missing the best party of his life. And no wonder, Hobi was the life of the party, and as such, he planned quite a lively celebration. Moreover, Woosung had the money and friends to make it an unforgettable night.

Once at the party, Yoongi didn't even have time to suffer from his social anxiety, for the first thing he ran into was his girlfriend, who left him in total shock. Firstly, the girl looked gorgeous, and secondly, Yoongi had never seen her play the popular girl role better than she did that night. She spoke with everyone, laughed with everyone, toasted with many people, and did everything with such naturalness that anyone would buy it. In fact, she seemed to have no trace of the quiet, serious, vulnerable, and even melancholy girl who would come out in front of the piano or when she was alone with Yoongi.

The musician couldn't understand how that was the same person who hadn't eaten in days and who looked overly exhausted. How the hell did she manage to compose herself like that overnight? 

A big hug was not enough to greet the musician, who inevitably blushed due to the kiss that Emmy stole from him. The girl grabbed his hand and took him with her to where Jin, Namjoon, Nara, and Hobi were. Sitting next to each other, Yoongi smiled tenderly at Emmy and leaned closer to speak in her ear.

“You look gorgeous, freckles. Are you feeling better now?"

"I'm great!" She responded with a beautiful smile.

Hobi's joy that Yoongi had gone to his birthday led him to distract the musician more than once. Countless times the dancer would take Yoongi along with Namjoon and Jin. They all wanted him to enjoy that night like they did, so they didn't stop buying shots; also, taking advantage that the bar they were in had so many floors with different music, they took the musician on tours that ended with Jin and Namjoon talking to girls, Hobi dancing with strangers, and Yoongi laughing with new drinks in his hand. Due to this, Yoongi couldn't see the number of times Emmy “went to the bathroom” and come back with more energy. Yet, Woosung noticed it and tried to warn Emmy, but he failed caused of how euphoric she was. 

Getting to escape from his friends, Yoongi came back to look for his girlfriend and found her with a new group of people. One glance was enough for Yoongi to get an idea of them. Dressed in garments from the most exclusive and luxurious brands, this entire group exuded wealth; undoubtedly, they had been born with silver spoons in their mouths. However, that didn't catch Yoongi's attention, after all, he had gotten used to that by Emmy's side. What captured his attention was the air of debauchery that surrounded them.

Their leering eyes and evil smirks made it clear that they had lived and experienced more than anyone else at that party. Still, none of them looked like a young rookie who would lose control that simple.

Paying closer attention, Yoongi noticed that one of the girls who was talking to his girlfriend, and actually going with her to the bathroom, was the same one he had seen a while ago on another of the floors of the place. The girl tried to approach him to invite him to have a drink; however, Yoongi turned her down. She kept insisting, and even though Yoongi was patient, she annoyed him to the point that he had to tell her to leave him alone, which caused him to earn some rather nasty comments.

He decided to sit down and wait for Emmy to come back.

"Yoongs, there you are! The boys have hogged you all night." She joked sitting next to him. "How did you escape?"

"Namjoon insisted on Hobi drinking more shots and Jin was talking to Nara."

"Do you think they'll get back together?"

"I hope so, he doesn't stop talking about her. But who am I to judge? He says I'm always talking about you, and I think he's right." Emmy giggled as Yoongi interlaced his fingers with hers. 

Next to her diamond watch was a hand-braided man's bracelet Emmy had stolen from Yoongi since one of their first piano lessons. She never took it off and Yoongi couldn't help but find that cute. Yet, he could not comment on it, because thanks to the lights he was able to see Emmy's hand better and noticed how pale it was. He instantly raised his gaze to his girl's face and not even with the blush she was using she couldn't hide her paleness. Besides, he sensed how cold her hand was. What had happened? She wasn't like that before he went with the guys for the last time.

"Freckles you're freezing, do you want my jacket?"

"Freezing? That's weird, I don't feel any cold."

"Is that Emmy's boyfriend?" Jiyu, the girl who tried to hit on Yoongi, asked Woosung. She was the granddaughter of the directors of the most important broadcasting network in Korea.

“Hmhm…” The musician replied without wanting to go into much detail.

“Well, he's very handsome, but… who is he? His clothes are pretty basic, luckily he is hot." She commented laughing.

"Why do you want to know, Jiyu? Leave them alone, Emm's happy." The singer responded.

"I wanted to ask the same thing." Said another of the girls, who didn't hesitate to check Yoongi from head to toe. "I mean, I can see why she's dating him, but her boyfriend?" The young woman, heiress to an entire fashion empire, agreed with her friend's comment.

"Who are his parents?" This time was a man the one talking. He came from an important family whose political influence would intimidate anyone.

"I don't know," Woosung replied. “What a lame topic.”

"Lame?" The second girl asked ruining yet another attempt by Woosung to divert the conversation. “We're talking about Emm with a boyfriend, that's anything but boring. Come on, tell us a little more, you are closer to her."

"There's nothing to tell, just that she's happy with him."

"Are you telling me that SHE is gonna settle for a nobody?" The boy asked letting out a wry laugh.

"Hey! Don't be a jerk."

“Woosung, we say this for her own good! You're her friend, you should warn her what will happen if she goes out with someone like that. Emmy's beautiful and popular, but that doesn't exempt her from having to take care of her image. Can you imagine what everyone will say? While Seri's dating who will easily be the next prime minister, Emm's dating someone no one knows who he is." Jiyu wasn't that nasty, but she couldn't bear the idea that Yoongi had rejected her.

“Let her date whoever she wants. Why are we talking about something so serious TODAY? It's enough!" Woosung said, brushing the comments away with his hands and making them laugh. "Look, here comes Nara!" Woosung had never been more grateful to see his friend there.

Meanwhile, Emmy was introducing Yoongi to Woosung's band members. At first, she thought that her boyfriend would treat them with the same seriousness and coldness that he used the first time he met Woosung. Yet, it was rather the opposite, and soon the four of them were comfortably talking, they even made several jokes, for they would never imagine that that boy who looked so serious could be so nice. 

After a while, the original group regathered, it was about midnight, and they wanted to toast all together. However, Emmy was not even able to bring the glass to her lips, her pulse trembled uncontrollably from so much drug, so she ended up throwing the champagne at her and Yoongi, who tried to help her.

"Yoongi, I'm sorry!" Emmy's voice had risen unnecessarily as she tried to clean her boyfriend's shirt, but she cleaned everything except where Yoongi's shirt was OBVIOUSLY wet.

"It's okay, baby. It will dry up."

"I'm so sorry!" Emmy stood on her toes to hug him; however, she only got Yoongi to accidentally throw his glass while trying to push it away from her. "Oh, not again! Why am I this clumsy today?”

Namjoon, Jin, Hobi, and Nara thought that their friend had drunk too much, and they joked about it. On the other hand, something really strange happened. Yoongi and Woosung exchanged worried glances. They both knew that Emmy was not okay.

“Emm…” Yoongi whispered taking her hands before she bent down to pick up what was left of the cup. “My love, it's okay, you're not going to pick anything up, it's dangerous. Let's sit down for a while, okay?"

"Just let me go to the bathroom for a moment."

Before Nara could offer to accompany her, Emmy took her bag where she kept what was left of her drug. On the way to the bathroom, several people greeted her, but she did not pay attention to anyone, in her mind there was only being alone in the bathroom to be able to consume a little more.

However, shortly before reaching the bathroom, someone took her wrist, it was Woosung, who got close enough for her to hear him well. "Stop it."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, you've been consuming for hours."

“Oh! Come on, Woosung! Drop it, this role doesn't fit you." 

“Emmy, don't be an idiot! Precisely because I’m the one telling you this you should listen and stop.”

"Why don't you get off my back?"

"Because you're stoned as fuck!"

From where he was sitting, Yoongi could see Woosung and Emmy talking. At first, he wanted to ignore the situation and not be bothered by his jealousy; but he couldn't and kept watching. After all, it seemed strange to him to see Woosung's face so serious.

"Move, Woosung."

"Honey, you're shaking, look at your hands."

"That's nothing." 

"Emmy, go sit down, you're gonna make a fool of yourself if you continue… Emm!" He tried to call, but the girl had left him talking to himself.

Woosung's warning should have been taken seriously, but Emmy was too stubborn and drugged to accept it. However, the pressure she felt on her chest after consuming that last time in the bathroom made her stop for a moment. She looked at the mirror and started to feel repulsed at herself. Yet, the drugs didn't let her think clearly, she couldn't even see well, her senses were so sharpened that the lights that surrounded the mirror began to make her dizzy.

“Shit…” she whispered, holding on to the sink and taking a deep breath.

She already knew what was happening to her, she had consumed too much, and her body was demanding her to stop. She tried to regulate her breathing, even wetting her face a little to react. She was scared, but it wasn't the first time it had happened to her, she knew she could handle it. What she didn't count on was someone else walking into the bathroom right during her breakdown.

Emmy's gasp wasn't enough expression for the shock it had on her to see a girl identical to her sister. According to Emm, the girl was the same height, the same platinum hair, and the same cold gaze. Emmy was convinced that she was her sister and that she had found her drugged in a bathroom. In other circumstances, Emm would have been able to see the HUGE difference between that girl and Seri. They looked a bit alike, but not enough to send her into that state of panic.

"Emm, are you alright?" The girl knew who Emmy was, as she was one of Woosung's many friends. She tried to get closer, but Emmy jerked away from her and ran out of the bathroom.

This time not only Woosung was near the bathroom, Yoongi was also there. The interaction between his girlfriend and the singer had made him uneasy; besides, Woosung gave him a look in which he was clearly asking the musician for help. 

Emmy came out of the bathroom so hysterical that she was practically running. She walked fast enough that Woosung couldn't stop her, and he was the one closest to her. She violently collided with a waiter who was carrying a huge box full of beer bottles on his shoulder. As expected, both Emmy and the waiter fell over. But that was not all, the box landed right on Jiyu's table, where she was talking with the rest of her group. Everything that happened next was chaotic, as the girl got her dress soaked in beer and she was madly making a whole scandal. The rest of the people were also enraged with the waiter, since the beers not only wet Jiyu's dress, but also their cellphones, wallets, and other belongings. 

Woosung quickly walked over to the table to calm down his friends while Yoongi picked up his girlfriend off the floor. Yet, the screams of Jiyu were out of control. The waiter could not do more than lower his head and accept all her humiliations, something that deeply annoyed Emmy and led her to let go of Yoongi's arms.

"Jiyu, stop yelling at him, it wasn't his fault."

"Emmy, stay out! You have no idea what this idiot just did! This dress is haute couture!”

“I already told you it wasn't his fault! I'll pay you back, but stop yelling at him. Can't you be less rude?"

"I don't need your charity, save it for your boyfriend." Jiyu replied.

Yoongi could swear that he had never seen a look like Emmy's at that moment, it was even worse than the one she had when she found out what had happened to Yoongi's songs.

Woosung's jaw dropped upon hearing that comment. He didn't like Yoongi, but he would never dare to say something like that; nonetheless, what impressed him even more was the musician's reaction. The first thing Yoongi did was to stand in front of Emmy and try to calm her down, if he let her, he knew that she was capable of making an even worse scene. Even with his pride hurt, Yoongi didn't think of him for a second.

"What did you say?!" Emmy asked Jiyu trying to move Yoongi.

"Freckles, listen to me! Calm down."

“I said save your charity work for people who need it. Who do you think you're dealing with, Emmy? How dare you offer money TO ME?”

"Don't you dare, Jiyu!" Emmy warned completely losing her temper and after fleeing from Yoongi, she slapped Jiyu with such rage that her hand was printed on Jiyu's cheek.

"Emmy!" Yoongi said a little louder as he grabbed her by the wrist. 

Things began to escalate quickly, soon Jiyu's friends had also gotten into the discussion, as well as Nara, who arrived in seconds to defend her friend.

Yoongi didn't want to hurt Emmy, so he tried to get her away from everything by gently pushing her, but Emmy got to slip away every time. On the other hand, Woosung walked away from Jiyu's friends, whom he was also trying to calm down, and totally unlike Yoongi, he pushed Emmy enough to make her stop.

"HEY!" Yoongi said, also changing his manner, but Woosung didn't let him say anything, for he spoke first.

“Get her out of here, if this becomes public, she'll be fucked up. Jiyu's family controls all the damn media, this is gonna be in the papers tomorrow if you don't get her out fast.” Woosung's concern was valid, but he had been late, for it was a fact that that drama would be out the next morning.

On any other day, and possibly on any other occasion, Yoongi wouldn't have listened to Woosung, and Woosung would definitely never have advised him, but that night was not the case. That night they both had the same purpose, so, as a tacit agreement, they worked together.

********

Finally at Yoongi's apartment...

“Why did you take me out like that?! Yoongi, unlock the door!”

“Emmy, you can try all night, I don't have a problem with it, but you're not gonna get it open. You're crazy if you think I'm gonna let you walk out of here and beat someone up AGAIN."

“Didn't you hear how they talked about you? Let me out, Yoongi!"

Yoongi was going to let his girlfriend continue fighting with the door, until a sob made him approach again. This time, the musician wrapped his arms around her and tried to make her forget what had happened.

"I'll never forget it, Yoongs, I won't forgive anyone who hurts you." As soon as she turned around, Yoongi smiled at her tenderly and wiped her tears with the back of his hand.

“Baby, it's okay, I don't care what they say. I'm not going to waste my time with people who need to offend others to feel superior. Do you think it's the first time? It won't be the last either, and you can't react like that. It's dangerous."

"Yes, I will, I'll fight any idiot who badmouths you."

"Freckles, please."

"Yoongi shut up, you're not going to change my mind."

“There are things that aren't worth it, like arguing with people like that. Are you actually going to make a scene every time we go out together and run into jerks? Baby, you must think about what will happen when your family…”

"You WON'T be in front of them ever."

The blunt way in which she responded made it abundantly clear to Yoongi where Emmy stood on the matter. Although the musician was very patient and willing to wait for their relationship to evolve at its pace, receiving that response was somewhat uncomfortable and even painful. He was normally very self-assured, but he couldn't help but think that maybe Emmy didn't want him mixed up with her family because of his socioeconomic status.

“Fine, it's good to know.”

"Wait... what are you thinking?" Yoongi not only kept silent, but he also walked away from his girlfriend and walked to his room. "Yoongs?"

"I'm gonna take a bath."

Sitting on the bed, Emmy waited until the musician got out of the shower. Yoongi's coldness when speaking to her was enough for the girl to beg him to listen to her and let her explain what she had meant.

“I just want to protect you from them, that's all. I don't want you to expose yourself to Seri's hostile comments or Dad's stares."

Yoongi remained silent, waiting for Emmy to elaborate a little more for a change, but the girl was still under the influence of drugs and the only image that her brain kept reproducing was that of the girl just like Seri in the bathroom. Maybe if she consumed a little more… maybe just a little more would help her see things more clearly and be able to converse with Yoongi. But deep down, she knew that consuming a little more would mean she was one step away from overdosing. Had it been a mistake to return to Korea? Should she have stayed on Capri and spared Yoongi all that confusion and distress? How was she going to defend him from her family when she hadn't even been able to defend herself?

And there it was… again the migraine, but this time stronger.

"What do you have?" Yoongi asked as he noticed how she winced while digging her nails into her bedcover. "Emm?"

"My head"

“Wait, I have some pills that…”

"No, no, no pills." Emmy was afraid that mixing one more substance would cause her to lose what little control she had left. "I'll go home and rest."

"No!" Yoongi stopped her even before she was on her feet. "You're not leaving like this, look at you!"

Her heart was beating dangerously fast, she had not noticed it before due to the rush of adrenaline resulting from her meeting with "Seri" and the discussion at the bar. But now that she was in a calmer place and she was more aware of her body, she noticed that her heart rate had increased.

 "My love, what do you have, what do you feel?" Yoongi asked seriously worried and remembering Woosung's concerned look when the girl entered the bathroom for the last time. "Talk to me."

The pain in her head was joined by some difficulty in breathing. That couldn't be happening, not in front of Yoongi, she couldn't put him through something like that, she had to calm down no matter what.

“Emmy” Yoongi called a little louder and trying to figure out what she needed him to do. That's how he glimpsed that she was trying to pull down her zipper dress, something he helped her with. "Better?" he asked after helping her into one of his t-shirts and laying her down.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Yoongi was carefully taking care of her; however, it was also impossible for her to fall asleep, because no matter how bad she felt, she wanted to clarify something first.

“Letting you have contact with my family is… it'd be safer to enter into a crocodile pit. I'd love things to be different, nothing would make me happier than taking you home, and introducing you to my parents as my boyfriend, but it's not possible, I'm not gonna do something like that to you."

Since the last discussion, Emmy had been gathering enough courage to tell Yoongi everything from her family problems to her addictions. Maybe that's why she had succumbed to drugs with such intensity in recent days. She was more than aware of how risky it would be to say all that to Yoongi, but despite wanting to do it, fear kept silencing her and it was not a good time to fight it.

She couldn't force herself like that, talking about these topics was equivalent to a very intense effort and impressions that her body definitely couldn't bear that night. In fact, she wasn't even able to continue talking to her boyfriend when she had already fallen asleep.

The next morning, Emmy woke up first, it was barely dawn when her anxiety made her get out of bed. She still did not feel fully recovered, but the crisis had passed.

She stealthily left Yoongi's room and found that Jin's door was open, apparently, the actor hadn't come to sleep. The living room continued as she and Yoongi had left it the night before, and sitting down on a couch, Emmy thought about what she would do next.

No matter how much she thought about it, she kept coming to the same two conclusions. Her first option would be to face her reality, share her secrets with Yoongi, and pray that the musician didn't hate her. The second option was to stop fighting and return to Capri. There, everything would be easier, she would be away from her family, away from the people she could hurt with her actions. Maybe it was the right time to leave before she hurt Yoongi more.

But was she capable of doing something like that?

“Did the headache come back?” a voice asked. Emmy hadn't realized that no matter how stealthy she tried to be, Yoongi woke up and after a few seconds, he went after her. "We need to do something about it, freckles." He took a blanket from the other couch and placed it over Emmy's shoulders. Next, he approached her and kissed her forehead.

She had no more doubts, no matter how painful and difficult it was, she had already made her decision. "Yoongs, we need to talk." Staring her eyes at the musician's, Emmy wanted to record that image forever, if that was going to be the last time they talked, the last time Yoongi saw her with that love, she never wanted to forget it.

Until that moment, Yoongi hadn't felt a few seconds as devilishly long as those in which he looked anxiously at his girl, waiting for her to start talking. But if he was having a hard time waiting, she felt that her world was falling apart. But she had made her decision, she had to stick to it.

➳ Next Chapter: soon 🐱

[ally22042000]

Linked by fate

Introduction

Werewolf AU

Fluff, Angst

OT7 x Reader

Pack Alpha: Namjoon

Alpha: Hoseok, Jimin, Jungkook

Beta: Seokjin, Yoongi, Taehyung

Omega: Y/N

Wordcount: 2K

A/N: Hobi’s got kind of long 😊. I hope you like this. I had this idea in my head for a while and would love to write more pieces about them and their journey. Pls tell me what you think about it and you can always leave requests if there are certain things you’d like to read. -Ally

It has always been the eight of you. Since your childhood you were inseparable. A bond was created whose strength and depth was unknown to most. A phase, everybody thought, that was going to fade away the older you would get. The longing for independence was supposed to fill your minds and draw you apart from each other. A prediction that since this day has not occurred.

Namjoon, the born alpha, who one day will take over his mother’s pack and be the leader everyone imagined him to be. He has shown his ability to take care of others, since a young age. Like that time in Taehyung’s first year of elementary school. He never told the others about the bullies at school who made is life a living hell simply because he had a different approach to most tasks. They declared him as weird and treated him like an outsider.

The leader picked up on his change in behaviour quickly, noticing that the six-year-old started speaking less and only answering questions that were specifically direct at him. A one-eighty to his usual happy and chattery personality. He picked the younger boy up from school the next day and walked in on a scene that made his blood run cold. Three boys were standing above Tae, the little wolf covering on the floor, his painting crushed under the tallest foot.

A growl left the alpha and before Namjoon knew what had happened, he had shifted for the first time. Four paws running across the school grounds scaring of the three kids, that knew they didn’t stand a chance against the son of the cities pack alpha. It was the first time Namjoon had to stand up for one of his members and seeing Taehyung on the floor in front of him, tears glistening on his round cheeks and admiration shining in his eyes as he petted the brown wolf in front of him, he knew, he would do anything to keep his pack safe.

Seokjin, as the medic of the group, was an important asset. Always patched up the maknae line when they were rough housing as you were all growing into your hierarchical roles and pheromones were going wild. Or that one time an older she-wolf had pushed you to the ground during Junior High, saying you were too young to play with them. Quickly you had gotten up and pulled on her hair, which resulted in her running her nails over your face and leaving scratches on your cheek and chin. Her teacher broke up the fight and you were both send home. 

After the scolding of your parents, Jin was called over and addressed your wounds. Nothing major had to be done and at the and you and the beta fell asleep watching a movie in your living room. Your faced buried in his neck, in haling the familiar mixture between wood and rice, which had always been able to calm you down.

Yoongi, who always napped in the corner during kindergarten and growled at anyone who annoyed him. But he was always more bark than bit. Unless the situation called for it of course. In elementary he shifted his nap place beneath the tree on the playgrounds. Enjoying the shade as a brise tousled his dark brown fur. Jungkook loved to sneak up on the elder and pull his ears, then quickly escape his nip and giggling while Yoongi chased him around the tree. Seokjin calling from the seesaw that he would not patch up any injuries. A smile bright on his face.

Hoseok, the glue of your group, as the son of your pack’s master of fight he was born with an amount of agility and skill like none of you. Nobody believed that the little sunshine boy could arise to the role assign but whenever the necessity arouse Hobi proved to everyone what a skilled fighter and wolf he was and that he was able to protect his pack.

You remember it clearly, that day Jimin and you went for a run. It had only been a few weeks since the both of you turned for the first time, so walking on for legs was still a hurdle to overcome. You weren’t allowed to leave the grounds of your pack; it was too dangerous considering that you still couldn’t protect yourself in this form. But you didn’t care, choosing to enjoy the freedom you had and testing your limits in this new form.

Unaware of the presence watching you, analysing your movements and swiftly deciding, that you both were an easy match. One second you were pulling on Jimin’s tail, messing with the older and the next a vicious growl came from behind you. Jimin immediately stood between you and the rouge, trying to shield his omega from harms way. One look at the other wolf showed that he was older, probably in his thirties or forties, and as strong as Jimin was or a seventeen-year-old, you both were aware of the fact, that he didn’t stand a chance against the intruder. You needed help. The second your howled, was the second the rouge decided to attack. He new he didn’t have much time and had to get rid of you fast. He crashed into Jimin’s body, their forms rolling around on the ground. The white fur of your pack member a stark contrast to your surroundings and the brown fur of the attacking wolf.

A yelp from Jimin is what caused you to spring into action. Blood was dripping down his left shoulder. You tried to let out a terrifying growl but even to your ears it sounded pathetic. It was enough to get the wanted attention though. The rough turned his attentiveness to you, baring his teeth which were covered in Jimin’s blood. You stood your ground, willing to do whatever it took to protect your pack member. His slow steps rapidly changed into a sprint and you reciprocated the action. But before you could meet, Hoseok jumped out of the bushes surrounding you, catching the wolf mid-air and forcing him to the ground.

It wasn’t much of a fight. Hoseok was clearly stronger and more skilled than the intruder. Quickly he brought the enemy on his back and snaped his neck with his teeth. Letting go of the body, he turned around and scanned the situation. It was clear that Jimin need immediate attention, so he ran over to the younger wolf. You stood frozen in place, staring at the dead animal, whose eyes were open and facing you. You hadn’t noticed when the others arrived and Seokjin tending to Jimin’s wound. Jumping slightly when Hobi pressed his head into your neck, startling you.

You stared into his eyes. Apart of both of you feared that you would be scared of him after having seen him murder someone. Taking a life so easily. But the look in his eyes showed nothing but love and protectiveness. A silent massage, that he always would protect you and the pack, whatever it may cost.

Jimin, beauty and elegance personified in one little being. Form a young age he was always well spoken and able to swoon anybody with his silver tongue and remarkable looks. Especially in Senior high, those looks brough a lot of insecurities with them and put a lot of pressure on Jimin mentally. He would skip out on meals and train whenever he could. Being a part of the dance team with Hoseok, his body was always on display for others to judge. A fact which brought a lot of fear and dark thoughts.

It was Yoongi who realised it first. The both of them were always bickered like an old married couple but cared for each other deeply. When he realised what Jimin was doing he immediately went to Jin and Namjoon. The four of them had a long talk which involved a lot of shouting and accusations. Until Jimin broke down crying. The walls he had built came trembling down and he admitted to the negative thoughts clouding his mind. That night you set up a nest for you and the alpha. Cuddling him all night long, while whispering uplifting words of affection into his hair.

Taehyung, the artist with a smile that could dazzle the sun. His talent for remembering paths and nature facts has helped your group out of a lot of scary situations and gets acknowledge often in your pack. Particularly, when the alphas and betas went out for a hunt, Taeyhung’s attended was often requested alongside Namjoon’s and Hoseok’s to insure the safe and swift return of everyone.

Furthermore, he loved to help out in the nearby day care. Playing with the kids and reading them stories took up a big part of his free time, especially during holidays. He often forced Jimin to go with him, so he could teach them a new choreography. It always ended with Jimin going home more exhausted than he is after dance practise.  

Jungkook, brute strength embodied in a boy with a heart of gold. Always ready to stir up trouble, especially with Tae or Jin, and loves to be babied my everyone. He never fails to be responsible and attentive for the ones he loves though. Like that time, you caught a cold during winter break and only the maknae line was home. The hyungs had to attend a pack meeting with Namjoon’s mother out of town.

Jungkook had cooked you soup everyday and made sure you took your medicine at the right moments. He called Jin multiple times during those four days to make sure he did everything right. Late at night he would crawl into bed with you and provide you with his body heat. His alpha on high alert to make sure his omega was comfortable and protected while she rested.

Y/N, the only omega of the group, but still a force to be reckoned with. As the only girl in the group, you know how to keep the young wolfs in check. Never letting them get out of line. Whacking them over the back of their heads whenever the situations called for it, which was often. Although you are able to stand up for yourself, your omega tendencies shine through whenever you are with the boys. Loving to be pampered and cared for by them. Physical affection playing a huge part in your relationship. A language all of you learn to read and communicate with.

Getting off form a stressful day at school, you would ride the bus past your stop and go over to one of their houses. Laying in Namjoons bed while he reads a book about pack laws and traditions or you would back hug Seokjin while he prepared something to eat for everyone. Calling the others over, so the eight of you could watch a movie or play a board game. You firmly planted on Hoseok’s lap, enjoying the way he played with your hair and getting fed popcorn by Taehyung.

In public you were the strong and independent omega your parents raised you to be, but with them you were able to relax and let them take control. Letting them indulge in their providing nature. Something you were very grateful for. Every day.

This were the eight little troublemakers whose love for each other is unheard of. A weird mixture of personalities. Where one goes the other seven follow. 32 pairs of paws, seven tails and one heartbeat.

[athenaquinn]

Enough for You || Orion & Athena (flashback)

TIMING: January 2012 LOCATION: A forest in White Crest PARTIES: @3starsquinn​ and @athenaquinn​ SUMMARY: The twins give each other a lot of annoyed glances. CONTENT: Physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic abuse, sibling abuse (if you want a summary, please let one of us know!)

It was quiet tonight. Or maybe Orion’s hearing wasn’t working. He never really knew, especially considering it had just started. His mom had been so excited by the news, but Rio couldn’t only remember the pain. He had been in class trying to listen to his teacher talking about biology when an ear splitting scream suddenly disrupted any coherent mental notes that Rio had been taking on the subject. It had been so loud, so guttural, that Rio was half convinced it had come from the kid sitting right next to him. His head shot from side to side, a terrible realization coming over him as he realized that nobody else was reacting to the sound. Why wasn’t anybody reacting to the sound? As quickly as it was there, it was gone. And it was another moment or two before it suddenly came back. But this time he could hear the sounds of car horns as well. And then sirens. Rio barely had time to ask for permission before rushing out of the classroom and to the nearest bathroom to lock himself in a stall. He huddled on the seat, covering his ears with the palms of his hands in a desperate and futile attempt to block out the noise. It didn’t take long for him to connect the dots. His parents had been telling him and his sister about this for years now. These abilities. ‘Gifts’ as they called them. Rio wasn’t convinced they were gifts, even as young as he was, he didn’t like them. He knew what this meant. He hated it.

His family however, wanted to celebrate. It had only been a couple of days since he told his parents and they were ecstatic by the news. His senses had been on a seesaw since then. Sometimes he could hear his neighbors from three doors down and other times he couldn’t hear his own sister calling for him from her bedroom. One morning he could read a bulletin board from the opposite end of the hallway or he could smell food that someone had eaten for breakfast. It was overwhelming. All he wanted was for it to stop. Instead, his parents decided to take them on a field trip.

“These woods are incredibly dangerous at night. I know neither of you are stupid enough to think otherwise.” His mother’s lukewarm warning spoke to her children, following behind the Quinn parents as they walked through the forest in the middle of the night. In response, Rio felt his chest tighten. He clawed at the sleeves of his hoodie, pulling his fingers inside of them and further hiding them by stuffing his arms in the middle pocket. He wanted to shrink away from his parents, from his sister who seemed far too eager to be out in the middle of the night in winter. He wished that he could have played sick. He didn’t want to be here and he definitely didn’t want to find anything.

“I’m cold,” Rio mumbled, but he knew his parents would hear him. That was the last thing he actually wanted to whine about tonight, but this seemed like the safest option. Complaining about anything else risked annoying his parents. They were already deadly serious when out on a hunt. He didn’t want to give them any other reason to be upset.

___

Her brother was maybe actually possibly agreeing to his powers. Athena couldn’t believe it. In fact, she was practically over the moon about it, vibrating in a good way for once (so much so that all the stupid fae that were in the school didn’t even bother her) when he’d mentioned it to her. He used to complain about the noise of the bright neon signs at the mall in Bangor but for the most part he usually tended to totally ignore his super-awesome-brilliant abilities. Maybe she wouldn’t be totally left on her own, if he was really ready to actually admit that their powers were good. He liked superhero movies and comics and even though Athena didn’t understand any of those very well at all, if he liked those sort of things, shouldn’t he like his own powers?

Their parents wanted to take them out, and so Athena had been certain to finish all of her homework early. There was only a paper for geography and some write-up for science class, both of which were way too easy, but it got her straight A’s in school, so she knew that she really shouldn’t complain. Besides, even though she’d helped out her dad in the basement sometimes, it took a lot to get both of their parents to invite them out and even though it was in the middle of winter and really super cold, she didn’t mind. She’d even decided to wear her brand new Abercrombie jeans and her new favorite sweater and one of the best coats she had.

This was all special and she didn’t understand why her brother had to be such a grump about it. “You can play whatever video game you like later, you know.” She knocked against him with her hips as they began to walk into the woods. They didn’t get to stay up this late, basically ever, except when they did so on their own on their birthday, but this was different. Even if she was shivering, she did her best to not show it. That was weak, and she knew how much her parents loathed weakness. At least she’d won the pacer test every year in gym class and was her soccer coach’s favorite player and got all A’s. She just wished that her brother would try a little harder.

“Of course!” She chirped in response to their mother’s words. Of course she knew. She’d read about so much, though at least there were no fae right here and right now. That would have ruined this wonderful-amazing-perfect family outing. She looked over to her brother, pursuing her lips for a moment. “Come on Ri, it’ll be just fine. Also wear more of a coat next time! Do you wanna borrow my scarf?” She took it off and threw it at him. “It’s extra cozy. Maybe it’ll bring you some luck, too!” She didn’t know how much of that she believed, but she did know that when it came to hunting, her brother could use all the help he could get. Especially because he so often liked to miss their trainings, leaving her to do double the work. Not that she minded.

___

“Don’t argue with your mother. Or your sister.” His father’s words were tired and sounded distant. Clearly his mind was on other things, as usual. Orion gritted his teeth and averted his eyes to the ground. There was no point in arguing that he wasn’t arguing. That would only make his parents angry. He jerked when a scarf smacked him in his face. His hands shot up to catch it so that it wouldn’t fall on the ground. He could only imagine how his sister would react to dirt on her scarf. Though he didn’t want to accept his sister’s pathetic attempt at appeasing him, Rio begrudgingly wrapped it around his neck.

The pair couldn’t be more different. His sister was practically glowing, dressed head to toe in an all new outfit and walking with a level of confidence that most adults didn’t have. She was absolutely beaming at the idea of coming along with their parents. She worshipped the ground that they walked on and was already dead set on becoming exactly like them when she was older. She had already made a top ten list for medical schools. Rio on the other hand had kept on the same worn sweatpants and hoodie that he had been wearing when he woke up that morning. He was shrinking in on himself, trying to force his body into its smallest and least noticeable form possible. If he was lucky, he might disappear entirely. Unlike his sister, nothing seemed so absolute. He had no interest in being here. He wasn’t convinced that anything his parents said or did was as noble as they claimed it was and he could barely think about what he wanted to do for the rest of the week let alone the future.

He didn’t want to admit that the scarf had actually helped fight the cold a bit, but he tightened it around his neck a bit and crossed his arms to hold the ends in place. “What are we even out here looking for?” Rio asked, immediately met with shushes from both of his parents. He cringed at the sudden sound and made a mental note to only speak in whispers for the remainder of the night. Maybe time. “I don’t think there’s anything here. Maybe we should just leave.”

___

She couldn’t help the smug smile that covered her lips. Daddy’s always right, she wanted to whisper to her brother, but that might displease their parents, and so she kept her mouth shut - at least on that topic, at least for now. Maybe the scarf would shut her brother up. Not that he was being very talkative, but Athena didn’t like when he got into one of his moods, which seemed to be happening more and more in the past couple of years. At least he’d taken her scarf. At least she could count that on her win. My brother listened to me about something for once. She watched her breath form small cloud-puffs in the cold night air. She liked it, liked that her nose was cold - though it wasn’t as satisfying as how she felt when she went for a long run in the cold, the way that it made her throat ache just enough. That felt powerful.

Her brother always seemed small. Even though he’d started to grow taller than she was, he always seemed to shrink away. She’d noticed it at school - which was part of why she’d taken it upon herself to make - no, ask him persuasively - to sit with her and her friends at lunch. Which he agreed to, when he wasn’t off at the library. She had to admit that she also really liked the library, but hanging out with her friends a lot didn’t always leave time to wander around the stacks. It didn’t matter much anyways, she still got perfect (or near-perfect, when her brother beat her on a history test) grades. She’d still get into all of her med schools. She just hoped her brother would figure out what he was doing with his life sometime. Prayed that he’d come to accept his gift.

“I don’t know, but that’s part of the thrill of it, isn’t it?” She giggled, just quiet enough that only her brother would hear. “We don’t know what we’re walking into, and so we’re going to have to think on our feet.” She grinned at her brother. That got some affirmative murmurs from their parents. “There’s gotta be something, come on! Just give it a little more time. I’ll make you extra-good breakfast in the morning.” The last sentence whispered just between the two of them. Anything to make him see that all this could lead to good things. That was part of her duty, as sister and hunter. He’d see someday, that much she knew.

___

“Yeah. Thrilling.” Orion whispered, so quiet he wasn’t convinced he had said any words at all. Of course Athena would be excited at the idea of this. She had no regard for self preservation. Did she not care at all how dangerous it could be out here? That didn’t even take into consideration what they were out here to do. Rio knew there was more to what they were being taught. His parents had been very forthcoming with their descriptions of fae and werewolves. But Rio knew something was wrong. Something that he wasn’t being told. He couldn’t question them on it though, that much he knew for sure. He would have rolled his eyes at his parents praising Athena if he wasn’t afraid that they’d somehow hear it. As per usual, Athena was completely oblivious to just how terrified Rio was. Either that, or she just didn’t care. It didn’t matter. All he knew was that her legitimately thinking that breakfast was going to motivate him, she was even more dense than he had previously thought. He narrowed his eyes towards her and tightened his arms against his chest before picking up his speed so that he was no longer walking beside her.

That didn’t last as long as he would have liked it to. There was a sound. Farther out in the woods and in a direction that Rio’s erratic senses couldn’t pinpoint. But it had definitely been there, and confirmed that the four were not alone. Rio froze completely, too afraid to say anything. If he was lucky, he had been the only one that heard it. But he knew his mom better than that. Plus, he was never that lucky. When he finally built up the courage to look over at his family, he could tell immediately that his mom was on high alert. And it looked like she even knew which direction the sound had come from. Heart plummeting out of his chest, Rio didn’t know what to do.  He didn’t want whatever was out there to find them. Or rather, he wasn’t sure he wanted the Quinn family to find them. It wasn’t safe, for anyone involved. Rio hated that terrified feeling. He hated being in danger.

We’re going to have to think on our feet. Athena’s words stuck in Rio’s brain. Maybe she had a better point than Rio was giving her credit for. He did need to think on his feet. He finally forced himself to move, sliding his foot over and finding a twig to step down on. He started off slow, pressing down on it ever so gently and listening to the send of the twig bend and twist against its will before finally snapping. He winced at the sudden sound, instantly regretting the choice. But his parents did nothing besides shoot a look over towards him and Athena. Bingo. If he could get the attention of whatever was out in the woods, maybe it would go away. Then there wouldn’t be any danger at all. If only he could make sure that it heard the noise. He glanced at the ground, finding another piece of wood and readjusting his step to repeat the same process again. The branch snapped with a crunch, and before Rio could even react his mother had spun around just as quickly. She smacked him across the face quickly and efficiently, the force of it pushing Rio over and causing him to fall into the leaves. He brought his hand to his cheek immediately to survey the damage. It stung to the touch and felt like it had already begun swelling. “Shut up!” She hissed at him, pointing at him and forcing him to cower further. His cheek hurt so badly that all Rio wanted to do was cry, but he knew that would only make it worse. Instead, a silent stream of tears ran down his face as he clamped his mouth shut to avoid any further noise. His mother recovered quickly, turning away from him and speaking to their father, “That might have gotten it’s attention. We will need to move quickly to catch it. Do you sense anything?”

___

“Well, get a thesaurus and pick another term if you don’t like the one I chose.” Athena hissed back. She didn’t like how her brother just wanted to ruin everything. It was one thing when he beat her in chess but this was something entirely different and something she hated even more, especially because it was supposed to be a connection between the two of them. This was a learning opportunity for the both of them, and as much as Athena loved reading everything she could in their parents’ books and journals, but there was certainly something to be said for actually learning in person. It was why she didn’t mind so much when her father asked her to come to observe his operations. It was oddly fascinating, she had to admit. Her brother started walking faster and her face contorted into a grimace, because he wasn’t supposed to do that. It was unfair and stupid and maybe he should have just stayed at home if he was going to ruin this for her. She bit her lip, then. It wasn’t fair of her to think that way. It was her job to help him accept his abilities. To gently push him along.

She didn’t hear the sound until a little after her brother must have noticed. After their mother noticed. Because their mother was one of the best and most expert hunters there ever was.  She was standing still, perfect posture, though Athena imagined that her eyes were darting around, zeroing in on wherever the thing was. She only hoped that they’d get to the creature or whatever it was before it got to them, because she very much didn’t want to die tonight, thank you very much. Years ago, if they were in this situation, she knew that she’d grab her brother’s hand and hold it tight. She had, when they were little, and she also knew that even just after they’d been born, back in the hospital, she’d sometimes cried until they put the two of them together in a bassinet.

Now wasn’t the time to focus on the past. That was useless, and made her far too soft and sentimental. Soft and sentimental didn’t get you anywhere. That was what her parents said, and so it had to be true.

Then a twig snapped and their parents looked over at the two of them. You’re gonna get the both of us in trouble, she wanted to tell him. Except she didn’t. Because that would only bring more noise, which was absolutely and entirely not needed right now. Then another branch was snapping and their mother was over near them, hitting her brother across the face. It was over before she could even say much of anything, and Athena watched their parents intently. I don’t feel anything, she wanted to say, just as she saw their father shake his head. Thank goodness. I’m not a screw up. Except that she should have been keeping a better eye on her brother. That was her job, and she was a screw up when it came to that, apparently. It wasn’t a fae or a werewolf and she tapped her fingers against her thigh - hoping that maybe it would be something even more exciting. That would make all of this more of a celebration, after all. There was another sound, closer this time - that much she could tell. If she squinted enough, it looked like there was a figure not too far away from them.

Athena took a couple steps forward, away from her brother. “I think - I saw some leaves rustling over there.” She pointed, noticing the way that her father’s lips almost curved into a smile. “What do you think, Linda?” He inquired. “That’s the right direction, isn’t it?”

___

While the rest of his family ignored him completely and stared off into the woods, Rio silently pulled himself back onto his feet. He kept his hand pressed against his cheek, careful to avoid crying. Instead, he tried to find the source of the noise that his family seemed to intent on discovering for themselves. His head drifted back and forth, staring across the treeline before finally settling on Athena as she pointed and gave away the direction. Rio scowled at her from behind as his parents made that annoyingly stoic proud face. “Good job, Athena. I heard it too. Follow me.” His mom’s voice had calmed from her previous threat hurled his way. No surprise there.

The rest of his family set off immediately, a quiet power walk across the grass as they headed towards their target. His parents didn’t even spare a glance back at him. It was the opportunity he had wanted to get away from this, but he knew he would only be in more trouble if they found out he wasn’t with them.

He kept his distance from the rest of his family, just how it was meant to be. With them miles ahead while he lagged behind. As if he needed any other reminder that he would never measure up. “I found it!” his mother shouted he broke off into a sprint, his father and sister just behind her. Begrudgingly, Rio forced himself to follow along.

The Quinns caught up with it quickly. Someone that looked like a human was running through the forest to try to get away, but his mom had cut them off, swiping out at the person’s leg. They flipped backwards and smacked against the ground. Rio gasped at the violence, but covered his mouth to muffle the sound. In one fell swoop, she reached down to grab the person and left them up by the collar of their shirt and slammed them against a tree. “You can’t run from us” his mother was smiling now, the first he had seen from her since they had left the house. Rio had no idea how she could enjoy something like this. But his eyes wouldn’t leave the horrified face of the person being held against a tree. There was a shift. Something so minimal it would have been easy to miss. Something shifted in the perception of the person. Like a green screen effect failing. Rio stared more intently as he realized what it was. An illusion. They had an illusion. And for a split second it had dropped. And Rio was almost positive of what he saw. He had never seen one in person, but he remembered reading about them. He hated how quickly this knowledge came to him. “It’s a kitsune.”

___

She couldn’t help but stand even a little straighter at her mother’s praise. It always worked that way - and Athena was acutely aware that at least part of her nearly-always-present confidence came from what her parents said. What they had said ever since she was a little girl. She probably should have paid more attention to the fact that her brother seemed hurt, but that didn’t really matter (no matter how much she loved him, there were reasons to be punished, and he’d acted out), and if she did stop to check in on him in clear sight of their parents, it wouldn’t end well for either of them. Besides, he never seemed to want her help anyhow.

She didn’t want to appear too over-eager, because she was twelve now, and that was childish. Even when she was a child, she knew that there was a fine line regarding what was acceptable and what was deemed to be too much. Even if it was about hunting, even if it was about remembering something she’d read or researched.

All of a sudden her mother began running and she took off too, though she was careful not to outpace her mother. No matter how well she was performing, she knew that that would not serve her well, nor win her any favors. She was obedient, she did as she was told and she didn’t speak out of turn - at least not to her parents. School may have been a different story, but even there she kept her mouth shut around adults. It was part of why she could get away with other things, if need be. Not that she always wanted to, but it didn’t hurt to have as an option, just in case.

They arrived at the person - no, the thing - and Athena narrowed her eyebrows, because she knew that no matter how human something looked, when it wasn’t human, it was always a trap. She would have winced at her mother slamming them up against a tree, but she didn’t do that. She didn’t cry and she didn’t throw a fit when something like this happened. It’s a kitsune. She heard her brother say, and she grinned. “Figures. You know there’s all sorts of different ones. Given the location, this one could be a forest one? Though I know it makes sense to not assume, because you never know for sure.” She looked over at her brother. “Look at you, being so helpful!” She pulled out one of her knives and held it out to him. “Do you want to borrow this?”

___

“Please don’t do this!” The kitsune screamed in protest, shut up quickly by Linda Quinn pressing her palm against the woman’s mouth and pressing against it far too tightly. Orion could see the pressure even from here. How the skin on the woman’s face started to redden around his mom’s fingers. Rio broke out in a cold sweat, his mouth going completely dry. This was wrong. This was wrong. This was wrong. His fingers curled into fists before unfurling again. He didn’t want his parents to see that. They would only take it as an act of defiance.

Yet in the middle of this, his sister had the audacity to offer a knife to him. We’re twelve years old! Don’t you see something wrong with this?! He wanted to scream those words so badly. He was almost shaking now, but still he did nothing. He didn’t move towards his parents. He didn’t take the knife. He just stood there, eyes flicking between all four people around him and begging something, anything to change.

“Excellent guess, Athena.” Linda’s voice was too casual for the situation they were in. “Orion.” His mother’s voice again, directed at him purely to egg him on. A shiver ran down Rio’s spine as his back straightened on instinct. His mother didn’t wait to see if he was listening. She knew. “What do we know about forest kitsune?” Rio didn’t say anything. His dad’s eyes locked with Rio’s and finally he shook his head. He hoped that would work as a response. It didn’t. “Answer your mom, Orion,” his dad’s voice this time. Distant as it always was.

“I don’t know.” Rio finally said out loud, his voice shaking from fear and so very quiet. It was a lie, they all must now. The only time Rio ever impressed his parents were during their little pop quizzes. He knew more about shapeshifters than even some adult hunters, they would boast. Usually at the Silver Bullet just loud enough for others to hear. Forest kitsune were in tune with nature. Able to heal plantlife and cast illusions, though this woman seemed too distressed to try to use that to get free. She had almost completely lost the illusion casting her as human.

“You’re lying.” his mother sighed, clearly disappointed in her son but seemingly unsurprised. He shook his head more ferociously this time, but the narrowed glance from his father kept him from saying anything. His mother had already moved on anyways it seemed. “Your illusion is faltering. What would it take to make you drop it completely.” her tone seemed so… playful. As if she was on the playground with friends. Cries and mumbling came from the woman’s clamped mouth, but Rio wasn’t sure anybody but him and his mom could hear them. “Let’s test it, shall we?” Linda motioned towards James who took the queue immediately to pull a knife from the bag and hand it off to his wife. Rio’s eyes grew wide, watching her spin the blade into her hand before pressing it against the woman’s gut. No. No. No! Rio took a step forward, but it was just in time for his mom to plunge the knife into the woman’s stomach.

___

She didn’t let her expression change, even as the woman - no, the kitsune - the creature - screamed. Athena just watched carefully, taking careful mental notes about the way that her mother took control of the situation, almost seamlessly. Her brother was refusing her offer of a knife and were they both alone, she might have stomped her foot, but now wasn’t the time for that. She was twelve, after all, which was practically a grown up. Though she liked to think that she’d always been advanced for her age. You couldn’t read Anna Karenina when you were only just ten and not be advanced for your age. Besides, she was always meant for something more. She and her brother both were, even if he had a harder time on the whole realizing it part of the deal.

She let the smallest of smiles cross her face as her mother affirmed her guess. It wasn’t quite praise (that was hard to come by, no matter how brilliant Athena knew she was, her parents still reserved that for select and special occasions), but it was something, and she’d take anything even close to praise - she knew it wasn’t good to be as hungry for it as she was, but she couldn’t help herself. She atoned for her excessive need for praise before, and nothing bad had ever happened as a result of it, so all was well.

Except that her brother was refusing to answer. She could hear their father’s voice pipe in, and even when it was over-even and distant, she found herself listening intently. She didn’t know quite as much about kitsune as her brother did, but she knew some things and so she pressed her hand over her mouth, because the last thing she wanted was to call out something and have her parents get mad at her. I don’t know. “As if.” Athena replied, her voice still muffled by her own hand. She didn’t know if her brother could hear her. Didn’t really care, at this point, because this was supposed to be a celebration and if he wasn’t going to take her knife then he could at least use his smarts and answer their parents.

She retrained her eyes on the creature, the illusion flickering. It would be gone, soon enough, probably. Probably because her parents always got what they wanted. Probably because this was a thing and it looked so unnatural, so inhuman and Athena finally dropped her hand from her mouth, wrinkling up her nose in disgust, though a certain element of morbid fascination always took over. It did, when she got to sometimes go and watch her father at work in the basement. It did, when she listened to her parents and to other hunters at the Silver Bullet talk about how they’d gotten rid of a creature.

Her mother’s voice was so playful and Athena made a careful note of the tone, of the fact that somehow that way of talking seemed far more effective and intimidating than yelling at the kitsune would be. She watched the exchange of the knife from her father to her mother, the way she deftly spun it around before digging it into the woman’s - no, the creature’s - stomach. There were a few other muffled gasps, garbled words that didn’t mean anything, anymore. Her mother cleaned the blade of the knife before handing it back over to her father. Both of them made their way over to where the twins were standing. “Quick and efficient can be the best way in certain circumstances.” The playfulness from earlier was all gone, and now she was all business. “We couldn’t just let her get away, as I am sure you both understand.” Athena nodded quickly, not daring to look over at her brother.

___

Those few moments after were quiet. A sharp intake of breath followed by held breath completely from both of the twins as the knife cut through the woman’s stomach. Orion kept his mouth covered and refused to let move. The woman’s muffled cries of pain and protest against his mother’s clamped hand slowly faded as her consciousness did. The only sounds left were the woman’s heartbeat, the beats becoming slowed and off beat. Soon, there wasn’t a rhythm at all. And then there was nothing. Just the dripping of blood against the root of the tree.

Another death. He knew this wasn’t normal. It couldn’t be normal to have seen this so young. He didn’t talk to many people in school, but he listened. None of them talked about death. That meant that it couldn’t be normal, right? Then why was so much of his own life surrounded by it?

His legs shook violently against his weight. Suddenly, the four were grouped together again, looking at each other. But he couldn’t hear what his mother was saying. He was looking directly at her, but couldn’t seem to make out the expression on her face. It all looked blurry, sounded blurry. The only thing that seemed in focus was the woman. She was on the ground now, slumped against the tree with a pool of blood circling the spot his mother had stabbed. Everything else sounded fuzzy, but her silence was apparent. No breaths. No heartbeat. No more muffled cries. Just silence.

He had no hope of self control at the moment. Not when his senses were going haywire. They blocked out everything except the woman, and soon Rio was completely losing it. The hyperventilating came first, something only exaggerated by the time he started panicking that he couldn’t catch his breath. Tears were shortly after that, his eyes stinging in protest as the sobbing began. He felt like he was choking. His legs finally gave out and he fell to his knees. Around him, he could hear his parents saying something, but he couldn’t make out the words. He wasn’t sure he could ever breathe again. It all felt hopeless. So hopeless.

___

She wanted to touch the tree. She always wanted to feel what it was like, after. After the creatures died. What was left of them, what their mark on the world was. She’d watched creatures in her dad’s operating room long after they’d died, the scent of the sterilizing materials burning her nose but in the best way possible. Athena didn’t move right now though, instead just watching, eyes wide. Eyes wide, lightly curled hair spilling around her shoulders. She liked how her family matched - all golden and bright against the dark, dark world. Nothing was ever going to change that, that much she was certain.

Except that then her brother had to go ahead and practically have a stupid panic attack. She had those, sometimes. She wasn’t supposed to, she didn’t like it, but sometimes when she thought too hard about one particular thing her heart started racing and suddenly she was tiny and in their shared childhood bedroom again, gasping for air in the middle of the night, not able to fall asleep until her brother came over. She was back, the day they’d been made to have their own rooms, whimpering because they were twins and she was supposed to be with him forever and she was a big girl but being with her brother was how it worked.

“Deal with him.” Her mother’s voice brought her out of her thoughts. She blinked. She knew what it meant. Deal with him. “Quickly, before he causes more trouble.” Without thinking, Athena whipped around and bent down, kneeling next to her brother. Slapped him across the face, twice. One on each side. Glared at him, as if to say listen to mom and dad. Don’t make this harder for us both.

___

At that moment, Orion didn’t care what attention he attracted. Whether it be his parents, the police, more supernatural creatures. Let them all come at this point. A woman was dead, a person. It didn’t matter what his parents told him. That was a human being, an innocent woman that had just been captured and gutted, ruthlessly. This wasn’t right. No matter what his parents or his grandparents or the family friends that came over for dinner parties told him. Nothing about this was right. So he would scream. He would scream and cry until somebody came to stop them. Or until they stopped hurting innocent people. Or until-

The smack took him by surprise and silenced him instantly. His panic attack had completely blocked out his senses. He had been fully unaware that his sister had knelt beside him until she had already hit him. The crying and gasping for air ceased immediately. Somehow, her attack had managed to both knock the wind out of him and help him find his breath simultaneously. Suddenly, he wasn’t concerned about the world spinning or his vision blurring because he could only focus on his cheek, stinging in agony against the already fresh bruise his mother had dealt earlier. “Ow.” was all Rio said, a mumbled phrase under his breath. He wasn’t speaking to anybody in particular, he was just too numb to think or say anything else. After, he pushed back up onto his feet. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say anything. His parents didn’t seem to care much, they were just thankful that he had finally shut up.

“Thank you, Athena.” His father mumbled, the notion passively doubled by their mother. Though neither seemed particularly interested in praise. They both studied the no longer breathing body on the ground. “I assume she is of no use to you?” his mother peered over at her husband, answered only by the brief shaking of his head. He was only interested in live test subjects. Twelve years old, and Rio was certain in this moment that they were monsters. “Athena, keep your brother under control. We are going to get rid of the body.”

___

She didn’t like the sound her hand made against her brother’s cheek, but it did what her parents had wanted it to do. He’d shut up and even though the response was neutral, and (as always) she found herself craving more praise from her parents, pressing her tongue firmly against the roof of her mouth, to remind herself to not not not talk, to not speak out of turn. She didn’t pay attention to the quiet ow that escaped his lips. This was a natural consequence, he knew that. She knew that. Athena gave a small tug at his scarf, as if to say ‘come on, straighten up, we’ll be done soon’. She’d been more encouraging when they were younger, but now they were twelve - and double-digits in general meant they were practically adults, and it really was time to start acting like one.

So she didn’t offer caring words to her brother because if she did that then how would he ever learn? She would have, years ago. A certain part of her still wanted to. Wanted to check in on him and make sure everything was okay. But saying sorry made you weak, and if there was one thing that Athena was not, it was weak.

She listened intently at her parents’ words. Not of use. This made sense, given how she looked, Athena didn’t figure that her father could make much use of the woman. Except that part of her wanted them to take her back, because books told her a great deal, but she’d never seen the inside of a kitsune before. Instead, at their comments, she just nodded. Firm, neutral, probably more serious than most twelve-year-olds would. As their parents retreated, she turned to face her brother again. He was getting taller than her, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t do her best to look him in the eye. “Come on. Just - like, I dunno, behave.” Her voice was almost whiny, a hint of actual pre-teenage-hood laced in her words. “Things work out better for you - us - if you do.”

___

How could they all think this was normal? Was Orion the crazy one? The way that his mother had so casually stabbed that woman. The way that his father and sister went along with it, walked around the body as if she wasn’t even there. How was he the only one losing his mind? It was almost enough to convince Rio that he was in the wrong somehow. His family had nothing to offer in the way of kind words or affirmation. His parents didn’t even speak directly to him, choosing to bark the order to his sister to shut him up instead. He wasn’t even worth their time.

Athena was no better, Rio decided. He had been on the fence for a long time. She had always been the golden child. Strong, smart and fearless. She never questioned them. She followed them to a fault. The two of them had been treated differently for as long as Rio could remember, but he had never settled on why. The two used to be close. They used to look out for each other. Rio always wanted to believe that she had seen that this was wrong too. Had just gone along with it because she wanted to make their parents proud. But tonight was a rude awakening. If his parents were monsters, she was no better. Give it a few years and she may actually be worse. Rio wanted nothing to do with that. Athena tugged at the scarf she had given him, and he pushed back onto his feet and tore the thing off and pushed it back into her. He’d rather freeze to death than wear anything of hers. “Whatever. I just won’t talk.” Rio stated as cold as he could manage, but his voice was still cracking.

“Pick up the pace.” His father spoke. The woman’s body was slung over his mother’s shoulders and the two were already making their way through the trees again. There was no other choice but to follow them, so he did. Though it was pitch black out, Rio could see just fine. Through a narrow path in between tree trunks, his mother and father walked side by side. Inches behind them was Athena, no doubt forcing herself to keep up right behind them. And then, trailing in the back with the distance between them only growing as the seconds passed by, was Rio. He never could quite keep up.

[haiopapi]

I've always wanted to be saved by Izuku, from myself, no matter how unattainable that is. Fics are a gift of god to mankind, and that's on faxx.

-iss? Miss? Miss! Miss, are you okay?” I was snapped back into reality by a slight nudge. An image of an overly familiar green hair with specs of freckles in his chubby cheeks and warm green eyes met mine.

“I...Izuku?” I stammered in disbelief. There was no way the main character of the anime I have been watching was right before my eyes, crouching to meet my eye level.

“That is my name… How… How did you know?” His eyes widened a little bit. “Anyways, are you okay? You seemed really sad so I approached you. Oh my God, that sounds like someone really weird would say. I don’t look weird, though? Oh my, now I sure sound like one muttering right now.” Izuku, now holding his chin, muttered.

I blinked a few times before I peeled into laughter. Izuku, startled, looked at me like I offered him my hair to eat. I quickly tried to regain my composure by clearing my voice before I finally broke the silence.

“I’m okay”, I said, with a smile plastered on my face. I am not; however, I have already mastered the art of succumbing into my own bubble of negativity. Besides, isn’t opening up to a (not so) stranger weird? And a fictional one at that note?

Izuku’s eyebrows wrinkled in my statement; unconvinced by my lies. “Are you sure? You can… you can talk to me if something’s bothering you!” He said, voice slightly rising by the awkwardness of the situation. My brows were quirked by his statement.

He’s exactly how I imagined him to be. The same Midoriya Izuku, the selfless, hardworking, self-sacrificing boy I loved from the anime My Hero Academia. I pushed my seesaw slightly and motioned to the empty seat next to me. He quickly sat there and started to push himself a little harder.

“Can you tell me your name?” He said cautiously.

“I’m… Kaye.” I said, hesitating whether I should tell him my name. He’s still a stranger in this world. Strangers can’t just be trusted, even when they’re your favorite character. Plus, I don’t want him to create troubles for me later, especially with my family issues.

“So, Kaye… Can you tell me what’s bothering you?” Izuku said.

“It’s my family, Izuku. It’s very complicated...” I replied gingerly. I pushed my seat back again, a little harder this time. He hummed in reply, waiting for me to continue.

“Who am I kidding? It’s actually me who’s causing the problem. It’s me who got myself in this mess after all.” I added. Izuku shifted his eyes on me, not saying anything.

“It’s just that… Since quarantine, I have struggled with my mental health a lot. It didn’t do anything in the first quarter at all. However, as the second semester entered, I started to just… not care at all. I stopped paying attention and passing my weekly tasks. Now, I’m 3 weeks late.” I stated.

“It must have been hard, Kaye…” Izuku began. “However, it’s not yet that late! You shouldn’t give up, yet!” He finished enthusiastically.

A smile formed in my lips. Of course he would say that. After all, what's the perfect little Izu going to say to petty little academic problems? Surely, he wouldn’t know how hard it is.

“...I wish it was that easy. I hated it whenever my mom told me that sometimes I feel bad about myself sometimes. Especially when they apologized.” Izuku added, lowering his head to kick little pebbles in his feet.

Oh. I did not expect that at all. I continued to stare at him, silently nudging him to continue.

“On days I feel extra “Deku”, I despise it when my mom apologizes. I wanted her to tell me that it’s okay, that I can do it. That I can be a hero.” He continued. His eyes met mine and there’s this sudden rise of determination in his face.

“You can do this, Kaye. You can rise up to yourself. Prove to yourself that you are wrong. You’re more than capable of finishing your missing assignments.” He wholeheartedly replied.

My eyes widened a little. I swallowed the sudden tightness in my throat as I tried to speak an intelligible reply.

“That’s… That’s really nice of you, Izuku. You don’t have to lie though.” I lowered my eyes to the ground.

Izuku rose up from his seat and closed the distance between us. He knelt in front of me to meet my eyes. “That’s not true at all.” He said, smiling that million dollar smile I used to swoon over.

“You’re strong. You’re more than capable. You just need to believe in yourself.” He gently told me. My eyes watered a little as a sob escaped my lips.

“Izuku,” I started, as another sob broke into my lips. “Thank you for believing in me.”

“That’s what heroes do, Kaye.” He replied, his beautiful smile still gracing his lips. “It seems like I got to go now. Kacchan and the other’s are waiting for me.” He sheepishly said, rubbing the back of his head.

“It’s okay, thank you agai-”, my words were immediately cut off as the sight of green curls vanished in thin air.

“...Izuku.” I continued, smiling to myself. I pulled myself up, now feeling a lot better. I made my way home with a smile on my lips.

[alpineshepherdbadboy]

Tagged by @the-parallax-of-rain. Thanks!

Fanfic Writer Game

How would you describe your fanfic style? 

I’m not really sure. I wish I had a better idea of how to define my own voice. Most of what I’ve written involves a fair amount of character study centered around one inciting incident. So there’s quite a bit of seesawing between exploration of a single character’s internal life and then putting all those declarations I’ve just made about who that character is to the test in some dramatic scenario. It’s a pretty simple style, but I think it can still make for an interesting narrative. I also like to sprinkle my drama with a little humor, if possible, (e.g. Tyrus getting trapped in the closet while Lalo and Nacho are having sex, Amber and Jo roleplaying as Lalo and Nacho, Lalo not knowing how to text a photo, etc. All these ridiculous things are so much more fun when paired with Nacho’s inexhaustible mental anguish). 

What tropes would you never use? 

Idk, if it feels right for the story I want to tell I’m really open to anything. I would like to push myself to go a little darker with my writing, so I don’t want to count anything out.

What tropes do you ALWAYS use? 

Enemies to Lovers is my favorite. Uncomfortable working relationship are always fun. I also like writing about dreams, addiction, violence, and how early familial relationships have shaped characters. So I guess anything they tackled in The Sopranos, I’m gonna get excited about.

Apparently, I also have a history of writing about arson. I recently found a short story I wrote in high school about a lesbian couple that burns down their own business for the insurance money. So Lalo and his firebug tendencies were really a godsend for my creative inspiration.

Where do you write? 

On Ao3.

How many names do you write under? Why?

I just write under the one, straponselina. 

What’s your usual rating level? 

Explicit. 

First fandom you wrote for? 

Silicon Valley. It’s some really cheesy Dinesh/Gilfoyle and Monica/Carla stuff. 

How long did you read fics before you started writing them? 

I probably started reading fanfiction in middle school, and I didn’t try writing any until a couple years ago, so I guess around 7 years.

Do you usually write chapter fics or one shots? 

One shots. My problem with chapter fics is that I can never bring myself to start posting a work that isn’t complete. The one chapter fic I’ve written was totally finished by the time I posted the first chapter. Right now I’m working on something that’s supposed to be a one shot. It‘s a sequel to a one shot that was just under 4k words, and now this new fic is over 6k. It’s not a huge difference, but I really don’t want them to feel unbalanced. I still have a little ways to go so it’s only getting longer (rn I’m debating whether or not to add a blowjob scene that could potentially bolster a theme I want to explore, but might take a little too long to tell if I don’t want it to feel gratuitous). The point is: I could break this fic up into two chapters, but I don’t want to because I’m afraid once I figure out the ending I’ll want to modify the beginning in some way.

Your fandoms: 

Currently, just BCS. I chose the name straponselina because it’s a joke from Veep and I originally made that account to write Dan/Jonah and Selina/Amy stuff, but that never happened. But it still could! I’ve also read more fanfiction for Mindhunter than any other TV show, so maybe one day I’ll put some Bill/Holden stuff out there. Maybe. If David Fincher gets his act together and puts out a third season.

I got to this kind of late, so I think everyone I would have tagged has already been tagged. But please by all means go for it if you want to!

[chyrstis]

I won’t ask for much (but just this once, I’d like you) 3/10

Slipped a little bit on getting this one out the other day, but better late than never! And poor Sharky’s in need of a break, big time, but things might just be starting to swing in his favor.

Pairing: Sharky Boshaw x John Seed Rating: E (but only for Ch. 10, the rest are a solid T) Word Count: 4.7K  

Link to AO3!

Ch. 1 / Ch. 2 / Ch. 3 / Ch. 4 / Ch. 5 / Ch. 6 / Ch. 7 / Ch. 8 / Ch. 9 / Ch. 10

—

Sharky steals a boat. It just happens to be John’s boat, and when it’s damaged along with his boathouse, John proceeds to lay out a means of having Sharky pay him back. [No Cult AU]

———–

It hadn’t been his best moment.

Drenched, nearly buck-ass naked behind the wheel, and feeling his underwear starting to chafe, Sharky knew he hadn’t made the best choice either. Maybe it’d been the fumes, maybe it’d been the embarrassment, but he’d had it, and needed to clear out fast.

Luckily he always had a spare set of underwear on hand– seriously, an extra pair was not a thing to overlook in an emergency– but that philosophy had never extended towards actual clothes, leaving him in a dicier spot than normal.

Because heading home, pissed off, and speeding didn’t do him any favors. Especially not when one of the Deputies pulled him over only to ask what the hell he was doing. Deputy Rook hadn’t really busted his chops too many times before, but he didn’t have high hopes heading into it.

Full-on expecting a public indecency charge, he’d launched right into the story only for her to catch some of the eau de skunk he was still wearing. Wrinkling her nose, she’d waved him off, told him to get right back to fixing that problem, and she’d see about forgetting this ever happened.

Not that he’d flashed her or anything, but she kept her eyes on his face the entire time and refused to lower them.

And when she let him drive off, he doubled down on that pledge to at least pack a spare pair of jeans.

When tomorrow hit, he reset everything. Decided to take on this new day and start from scratch all while scrubbing himself off furiously, because the previous one blew from hell and back, and he wasn’t going to finish any of this without a clear head.

And much as he didn’t like to admit it, John hadn’t gone out of his way to make things worse for him. Not directly, so he let part of the mental grudge he’d been nursing go.

With Hurk’s help he snagged a replacement phone, pulling strings Sharky didn’t need to know the finer details of, and when his next time out was due, he went back, ready to dive into the old routine again.

Not bullshit-free, but at the very least skunk-free.

And he was hit with the bullshit end of things almost immediately when John all but threw him into the waiting arms of Joseph’s people. John had volunteered to help too, but didn’t ask, simply relayed this to him all while being guided towards a set of trucks. Filled with ‘essentials’ they were to be taken to the compound, off-loaded, then brought back.

While any danger sense Sharky had would’ve gone off in any other situation than this, he hadn’t been too pissed about it. Joseph hadn’t hesitated to help him before, and he wasn’t about to forget what the woman from last time had done for him, and kicked himself repeatedly for not managing to get her name. Yeah, he’d been embarrassed as fuck, covered in skunk funk, and standing in his underwear, but he’d dropped the ball on that one, and hoped he’d have a chance to meet her again later on.

As morning turned into the afternoon, and more items were hefted onto the trucks to move, he lost track of time, focusing only on what he could grab, pass, and carry. He’d even lost track of John, seeing no sign of blue anywhere in the tide of white and beige, figuring he’d find him when he needed him, and was eventually proven right when he’d stepped out for a small smoke break.

Tapping him twice on the shoulder, John gestured back towards the cars out front, signaling he was free to go back to the boathouse. And when John mentioned he was staying behind to finish up and not to wait for him, Sharky blinked at him for a good minute before double-timing it out of there. Opportunities like this weren’t to be passed up, and he left before John decided to change his mind after all.

Winded, but not really feeling it yet, he figured he still had a good half a day to go before really needing to tap out, and could burn off the rest while getting more of the boathouse’s roof down.

But when he reached the spot down there, taking a decent drag of his cigarette as he relaxed, he took the moment for what it was. A break. A moment where he didn’t have a microscope on him for once, and the tension bled right out.

Suddenly beat, he sat himself down on the ground by the boathouse. Flopped down onto his back as soon as he’d finished off his cigarette, and looked up into the sky. Clear and blue, it was about as gorgeous of a day as it could get for early fall around there, and he tugged his cap down to cover his eyes.

Just for a sec. He’d earned it.

The water helped drag him along towards it. To that peaceful place where he didn’t have to worry about much for once.

Delightful, isn’t it?

He smiled as the breeze blew by, feeling it pull him that much closer to sleep.

Isn’t it just so? Too peaceful, almost. Calm. Quiet, the voice from the dream said, pleasant to listen to itself. A shame, really.

He frowned. Why?

Because wouldn’t it be better spent on the river? On the water? On a boat?

“Yeah. Hell yeah,” he murmured.

Speeding along. Leaning into the wind as it whips around you. Just…perfect.

Perfect.

I’m glad you agree. But it wouldn’t be on just any boat. No, but the rather expensive one that you so happened to smash directly into my boathouse.

Sharky tensed.

“Which you should be working on right this very instant, if memory serves me right.”

Slapping the brim of his hat in his panic, it flew up and off of his head. John was crouched down next to him, blue sunglasses down over his eyes, and wearing a smile that showed too many teeth to be friendly.

Frozen in place, both stared the other down as the seconds ticked by, and Sharky couldn’t kick his brain in the ass enough to get it to respond. No, it seemed set on adding its own running commentary to this, all of which he was worried would spill out the moment he opened his mouth.

“Uh, yo.”

“Yo,” John replied, dropping the smile altogether. “Enjoying the break?”

“Well, I was. Actually.” John’s eyes narrowed, and Sharky swallowed hard. Felt his head bob as he tried to get past the haze the nap had put him in. “Got a little tired, and figured I’d rest some of it off, but…”

“But what?”

Sharky watched John’s teeth come out again in that odd non-smile of his, and forced his attention back up to his eyes instead. “Uhh…”

Blue on blue, the lenses of his sunglasses covered his eyes but didn’t conceal them completely.

That left Sharky wondering how the hell he’d managed to get the shade that close to begin with. It wasn’t a perfect match, but no one was going to split hairs over a color pretty as that being a compromise. At least he wouldn’t, but he wasn’t John, or trying to color match like John, and different strokes for different folks, he guessed, but there was no need to be so damn-

John cleared his throat. “Well?”

Shit. Losing it twice in less than five minutes? Maybe he really did need the shut-eye after all.

“Ah, fuck. But I guess it’s over now,” Sharky said, shaking the last of the haze off, “and I don’t see any reason to keep on dragging this shit out any longer than I have to, so…”

He clambered up after recovering his hat, breathing in deep as he did, and swiped a hand at his forehead. It hadn’t been a quick hop and a skip up, but the weird floating feeling that came with it, didn’t help much.

Not bothering to look back at John as he shadowed him, he grabbed for one of the boards sitting on the grass, and dragged it up. Setting it on his shoulder, it bobbed like an off-balance seesaw until he was able to steady it enough to walk with.

After that, it was only a matter of taking it over to the ladder and carrying it up. Simple.

“Are you sure you have a handle on this?”

Tossing the board on the ground, Sharky reached for the ladder. “What? Johnny Law’s worried for once?”

He was on the second rung before he glanced back, and whistled at the strength of John’s glare.

“Damn. That bad, huh? Guess I’d better start praying then. Maybe ol’ Joe could give me a few pointers. Give me some of that higher learning you all love so- fuck!”

The next step should’ve connected. In some ways he was glad it didn’t, because any higher and he would’ve been nursing a broken neck and not what he was thinking was shaping up to be a broken ass.

Groaning into the grass, he heard rushed footsteps as John ran over to him.“Tell Joe I’m sorry,” he wheezed. “I take it all back. Just in case he’s got some way of putting the holy god-fearing evil eye on me, ‘cause I did not like that one bit.”

John was definitely worried now, looking a lot more concerned than he would’ve given him credit for as he crouched down next to him.

“I’ll let you do that yourself. Provided you can get back up from this.”

Placing a hand on his shoulder, John examined him closely. Narrowed his eyes as he checked for whatever the hell kind of injury he was expecting, and Sharky cleared his throat.

“What?” John snapped.

“Yo, uh. Don’t think you’re going to see much up topside. ‘Cause in case you were wondering, I’m clenching the thing that’s smarting the most.”

Following his thread, John checked. Actually looked over at where his hands had moved to, both resting right over his ass, and Sharky almost couldn’t believe it. So, he did what any other guy in his position would've done. Took the shot.

Curling his hand into okay sign, he moved it close enough to his balls to count, and struggled not to go into a coughing fit. “Made you look.”

It took a second to click, but the dawning realization of what John was looking at exactly was priceless. Spinning back on him, he didn’t waste time on being irritated. Just went straight to pissed and didn’t look back.

“What the hell were you thinking?” John asked through clenched teeth.

“That I had this? Put one foot up, then two.” Pushing himself up so he could sit, Sharky sucked in a breath. “Least I thought I did.”

“Oh, did you? Get up.” John reached for his arm, and pulled him bodily to his feet.

The pain faded to a dull throbbing, telling him he was okay enough to move around at least, but balance? He found his mostly shot as he rocked, leaning on John only long enough to take a tentative step towards the picnic table nearby.

Feeling John’s eyes burning a hole into his back, Sharky kept on going. Didn’t think John was going to let him get far without saying anything else, but as he hobbled over to the table he had to check over his shoulder. To see what exactly John’s deal was if he wasn’t going to keep on yelling at him, only to find him watching closely.

“Yo, don’t make it weird.”

John’s eyes flicked up to his. “You would be the one doing that.”

“…I mean, that shot to my moneymaker was pretty bad, but it ain’t broke, so I don’t think it’ll need any fixing.” Considering it briefly, Sharky shrugged. “Not that I guess I mind you looking much either, seeing as it’s-“

“I wasn’t,” John replied, unamused. Crossing his arms, he glanced skyward and sighed. “But maybe you had the right idea to begin with.”

“Right idea with what?”

“The resting part. Not…whatever this is supposed to be.” John eyed him skeptically as he walked up next to him, and held out his hand. “Let me see your keys.”

“Why?”

“You’re exhausted. More than you’re willing to admit to after helping Joseph. So, I propose a break. Not down here, but up at the ranch instead. There’s water, better seats available, and if you do end up needing some form of treatment, an actual first aid kit.”

“Like I said, it’s not exactly busted. And I really don’t think you wanna-”

“And alcohol.”

Sharky’s eyes lit up. “For real?” John nodded, and Sharky immediately started fishing for his keys.

“Ah, ah,” John said, wagging his finger at him. “Only if you hand them over first. I’d rather not add loss of life or limb to the things you would need to compensate me for if we end up crashing, so I don’t want you anywhere near the wheel.“

“Dude, if I’m dead I can’t pay you back for shit. Hell, if we’re both dead, that debt’s pretty much kaput.”

“Exactly,” John stated, “and precisely why I should be the one driving us there, not you, so if you could?”

Staring down at his open palm, Sharky frowned. Checked the keys clenched in his fist, and weighed his options.

Sighing again, John gave him a look. “Sometime today.”

The beer won out. “Eh, fuck it.”

He placed the keys in John’s hand, and in exchange earned something he didn’t expect. A smile.

---

It actually didn’t bother him all that much. Being chauffeured around by John was an idea he wouldn’t have come up with in a thousand years, but watching John struggle to get into his car and figure it out was funny enough on its own before he even got around to starting it.

The driver’s seat cover was a blanket, and there was a hole worn into the cushion just from age and use which John made a face at soon after sinking into it, but after cramming more of the blanket into the spot to get comfortable – a move Sharky often did himself – he started the car.

The motor let out a loud whine. Wrinkling his nose, John threw a critical look Sharky’s way as he shrugged a shoulder back at him. Turning the key again, this time the car kicked to life, and John managed not to stall it when he pulled out.

The rest of the ride up wasn’t eventful, even when John skidded over the dirt due to the worn tires. Just corrected for it, tensing behind the wheel as Sharky casually talked him through it, and spent the last stretch of the trip telling him how the last time he’d done that the tire had blown.

“Seriously! Popped. Got me spinning and I nearly threw up by the time I stopped. It was pretty fucking awesome.”

John, however, didn’t seem to agree. Not by the way he’d gripped the wheel, and not with the look he shot him shortly after saying that.

So, when they pulled up to the hangar, John all but jumped out of the car.

Stifling a laugh, Sharky followed him inside, and couldn’t help but rub his hands together at the kind of stash John had to have waiting out here. Probably high-proof, aged shit, the kind of stuff that was usually too rich for his blood and would’ve been charged for just by looking at it.

But first? Those chairs set off to the side were calling his name, and he headed straight for them.

Setting himself down gently, Sharky didn’t care if he was half hanging out of it as he oozed down and adjusted. There was nothing left to do but focus on chilling, and he let his eyes slip closed as he did just that.

He heard humming. It wasn’t anything he recognized, but John kept up with it as he rummaged around nearby. Light little notes that were strange coming from him, but not bad to listen to.

The sound drifted closer, becoming whistling, and Sharky glanced over at him from under the brim of his hat.

John pulled up the chair next to him and handed him a bottle. The rest of the six-pack he set down in the space between them.

“I was going to give it to you on the way out, but it seems a waste to keep on waiting when now’s the perfect time.”

“Oh, fuck yeah,” Sharky said, cracking the beer open.

It wasn’t anything that he was familiar with, however, and after taking a drink of it, eyed the label. Smooth and with a coffee-taste chasing it, it wasn’t his usual combo by any means.

He took another drink, rolling it around in his mouth, and noticed John was watching him. His eyebrows had drawn together as he studied him, and Sharky tried not to choke down the rest of the mouthful before clearing his throat.

“You, uh, wanna tell me what that means?”

“Hmm?” John tilted his head as the look intensified, but his eyes widened. “That wasn’t- it wasn’t supposed to mean anything. I was checking to see if you liked it, and clearly there’s something lacking.”

Fuck. Now he’d done it. “What? Nah, it’s all good, man. I’d never look a gift horse in the mouth, especially not with beer and shit, it’s just not what I’d buy. Not down at the Eagle when I’m three beers in and looking to get blasted fast, at least.”

John considered this for a few seconds and nodded. “I see.”

“And don’t go thinking I’m being ungrateful or nothing. ‘Cause after a day like this, you want something to take the edge off right. This works. Well, that and, er, just…”

He didn’t think blurting out, ‘Man, just really getting fucked,’ was something worth sharing. Not with John at least, no matter how true it would’ve been. So, he let the sentence stay unfinished for a few while he tried to come up with another way to end it.

It wasn’t easy, and as Sharky idly scratched his goatee, he mostly gave up the fight. “You know. Just burning that shit off. Constructively."

That got an eyebrow raise. “Constructively?”

“Yeah, constructively. Least that’s how I like my fucking to go.” John blinked at him, clearly waiting for him to explain further, and Sharky made his go-to gesture a little more suggestive just to mess around a bit. “Teamwork makes the dream work, am I right?”

That was a look he’d never think he’d get out of John. Ever. And ranking the others he’d been able to score so far that day, it shot straight to number one. “Ah.”

“But failing that, drinking works. And if you want one too, go right ahead. Sucks drinking alone anyway. Never been a fan of it before, and you won’t find me liking it now.”

He grabbed one of the bottles, holding it out to John directly.

Left blinking slowly at him, Sharky had to wiggle the bottle at him to break John out of the daze he’d settled into, but once he did, John held his hand up.

“No, that’s…I don’t drink. Not often at least. Not anymore.”

“No?” Sharky frowned, taking it back. “Not liking it? Needed a break from it? Like no judging or anything, you do you. Just curious is all.”

John thought it over, tapping his fingers against his thigh as he sat back in the chair. It almost seemed like he was going to drop it all together, but eventually broke the silence.

“Let’s say that drinking to excess was a habit that came easily to me when I was younger. It wasn’t easy to work my way back from it. Or even to cut it down to a level that was manageable, but I had help. And without that, there’s no telling what state I would be in right now.”

“But this…me drinking in front of you, that’s not bothering you any?”

He shook his head. “In limited numbers and in limited company I find no problem with it. Bars can make it complicated, but with the right people even that can be tuned out as well. I can focus on them and what they’re saying. Enjoying what they’re sharing with me instead of thinking about how fine the whiskey at the table nearby must be.”

John closed his eyes for a few seconds, and tapped a finger against his lips.

“A shame, really. But it’s for the best.”

“Huh.” Sharky gave the label another once-over, and held it up. “Who picked this out then?”

“Why, I did. It was a gift. Handing that off to someone else, especially to either of my brothers, though I love them dearly, would’ve been unacceptable. Joseph has zero interest in alcohol, and Jacob is…straightforward with what he likes. There’s little nuance to it, and I suspect anything would do given the opportunity. So, lucky for you,” he said, smirking, “though I haven’t tried it, I still have an eye for taste.”

Sharky scrunched up his face mid-drink, showing John exactly what he thought of that.

John took one look at him, his puffed-up cheeks rounding out a scowl, and laughed.

The sound made Sharky go into a coughing fit, pounding on his chest to clear it all out. All while John continued, holding a hand over his mouth as it tapered off into a soft chuckle.

“Not cool, man. Not fucking cool,” Sharky rasped, downing more liquid to help soothe his throat.

“Me? I’m not the one at fault here. In fact, I think you were about to disagree with me.”

“Whatever.” Sharky needed a topic change and fast. “So, how’d you get it?”

He raised the bottle in the direction of the plane. From what he could see of it under the edge of the tarp, it was pretty slick, like something out of an old World War II movie, and John’s eyes followed him to it.

“Affirmation?”

“Affirm-what?” Sharky gave him a look. “Seriously? You into the power of positive thinking, or something?”

“…The name does have importance to me, yes,” John said, quickly following up the statement with, “but the story’s a little long-winded. And I don’t think you want to hear me talk on and on, for the sake of talking, to begin with.”

He looked uncomfortable. More so than Sharky had seen him yet, and he got the impression it was a touchy subject.

“I don’t know. Could be some pretty neat shit. The plane, that is. Better if it’s an older one too, ‘cause it might’ve been in some real dogfights. …But that’s the kind of thing that gets you ghosts, and hauntings, and all sorts of weird events like the kind they document only to leave a bunch of VHS tapes behind. Which I’m down for any of that, but you need a camcorder and I roasted mine the last time Hurk and I tried-“

“It’s not haunted.”

Sharky gave him a skeptical look. “Like, you sure? ‘Cause sometimes this shit don’t start until years after you get it.”

“It’s not, and I’ve had no such ‘events’ since acquiring it. But it does have history.” John leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees before aiming an amused look Sharky’s way. “And since you’ve twisted my arm into it, I suppose I’ll just have to tell it.”

Not that he twisted it too hard, or at all. Sharky almost told him so too, choosing to down the rest of his beer instead.

But over the next hour John told him everything he knew about it. Where the original planes were first built, when they were used, and how many were made at the time. How this model had seen light use decades back, was now in need of serious repairs to bring it back into working shape, and had been about to be junked. John had caught word of it due to hanging in those circles - plus making way too many model planes as a kid - and shoved a wad of cash in the collector’s face before any no’s could be thrown around.

Because John had fallen in love with the thing on sight. Known he’d wanted that plane to be his, but had to get behind the controls to be sure.

And when he was in the air?

“Perfection,” he said, his tone soft. “Nothing compared to it. To the rush that came from rising high above the world below. Losing yourself in it. Completely.”

A faraway look fell over him after that.

It hung around long enough for Sharky to realize he’d been holding his breath and waiting for him to continue. But John shrugged it off, going back to the animated way he’d been talking before. If he’d thought the humming was weird earlier, this was right in the same ballpark.

Because John was John. A grade-A asshole inside and out.

This? This wasn’t John.

This John kept on talking. Didn’t drop the conversation as they crossed from planes to history, but Sharky found he didn’t want to stop him either. Just let him go on, using his hands to show off various flying techniques, or to draw out in the air what was running through his head as he described it. Those same motions drew his attention to the tattoos lining the inside of his wrist.

The inked planes resting below John’s watch stood out, and it reminded Sharky of the flames running up his own forearm. How much of an impact that alone had on him as a whole, and he wondered how far that love of flying ran.

It was always cool to listen to someone that was really into what they were talking about. Like seriously digging it to the point that they’d perk up whenever asked, and you could read it clear as day.

John was no exception to this, content to keep on talking however long Sharky would allow him to. He just didn’t expect any of that to be shared with him. Ever.

When Sharky eventually stopped the conversation to mention heading back, John almost looked disappointed. Sighing dejectedly, John admitted that maybe he’d taken up more of his time than intended, but there was no need to worry about the boathouse after that.

Stunned, Sharky waited for the correction. Some sign that John was pulling his leg or fucking with him, but none came. And calling him on that hadn’t earned the reaction he’d expected either. Only a repeat of what John had told him before.

“You’re free to go. Today’s work is done, and after indulging me for as long as you have, I thought you’d be happy to leave.”

“Uh, yeah. Fuck yeah, but…this is kind of like one of those moments where you’re wondering if there’s like, some kinda hidden catch to it.”

“Catch? You’ve helped not only me, but Joseph as well, so I believe today’s portion of your debt has been paid in full. And don’t worry, there’s no fine print you’re missing here. Not this time,” he said, growing more amused by the second. “But if you’re so set on staying, I’m sure I can come up with plenty of other things for you to tend to.“

“Nah, I’m just-I’m going.”

“And as for the beer, you’re more than welcome to leave the rest-“

Sharky grabbed for it as well, and he could’ve sworn John looked pleased he did. “Gift beers, you don’t leave. You know, like horses. ‘Cause you know with gift horses, mouths, and shit like that, it’s just fucking rude not to appreciate it.”

“Horses and mouths notwithstanding, of course.”

Setting his chin on top of his hand, John watched him fumble for another minute through an attempt to peace out before finally shooing him away instead. The added push was all Sharky needed, and he left.

He walked all the way to his car, clutching a six-pack that he pledged to polish off before the day was out, and the minute the door was closed behind him, slapped his cheek. Did so at least two more times to make sure he was still sitting in that seat, beer in hand, and not sleeping it off somewhere.

Nope. He was there. The beer – also present – was cold by his side, and after popping the next bottle open, found it more refreshing on the second go.

Horses and mouths indeed.

[back-to-the-circus]

RESPECT YOUR KID'S OPINION ON THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH

After all, they probably know more about how they're feeling than you do.

TW: Mental health, suicide, self harm etc

Okay I am raging right now. Here's why:

A bit of background info - I have a friend I've known since childhood, and we've grown up together and go to the same school.

Her life is, to put it bluntly, shitty. Constantly being passed between parents, having seesaw relationships with both of them, arguments etc. Plus all her previous relationships are dodgy and toxic.

Now, my friend has a lot of mental health issues and has had them for a while now. Depression, anxiety and all that. She self harms excessively and has attempted suicide multiple times. She smokes.

But today she comes into Languages and the teacher's late so we're talking. And she says, "guys so guess what" and we're all like "what's up my dude?" And she goes "you know how we all turn sixteen this year?" *All nod* "well then I'm gonna be gone for a while as I can legally check myself into A&E and the mental health ward place" (that's the psychiatric ward isn't it?)

So we're all supportive because good for her wanting more help. But one girl asks why and she replies "I can go in by myself and don't need parental permission or recommendation from my therapist which hasn't been around lately".

So this, my friends, means my friend is not allowed to get help because her parents said so and her therapist won't recommend her.

What the fuck has the world come to???? Where you can't get help because you're underage???

Seriously that's so messed up. If your child thinks they need help, give them help. Fuck sake, sort out your priorities. She's your daughter, ignore whatever the hell your problem with her is and get her the help she needs.

So fuck off, I'm her parent now. And the German class and I are going to visit her in the hospital and play just dance and mario kart and eat 30p chocolate because we're a better family than you will ever be to her.

Thank you.

[cordytriestowrite]

Wrath

One Shot

Loki x Reader

Summary: You were usually amused by Loki's antics, but this one went too far.

Does anyone really like Mondays? You sure weren't a fan of the start of the work week, but the day was coming to a close. You took the subway home, barely hanging on to the cold metal pole in the middle of the crowded subway car. You rolled your shoulders back, feeling the tension pull at your muscles and creep up your neck into your skull. The beginnings of a headache settled upon you and you sighed, mentally exiting the rattling subway car and entering your apartment, anticipating the rest of your evening.

You imagined your boyfriend greeting you as you came in, smoothing down your hair at the sight of your tired face. He would kiss your forehead and offer to cook dinner while you relaxed in the bathtub. There would be candles and oils and...

The subway car came to a stop, pulling you from your fantasy. You sighed heavily, waiting for someone who was seated to stand and exit allowing you to take their space, but no one moved. You should have known, nothing in your life ever went the way you thought it did in your head.

Two more stops and you exited the subway, breathing in deeply after inhaling the stale air underground for over thirty minutes. Your feet ached with each step as you walked the remaining four blocks on autopilot. Your head took you back to your apartment and this time a more realistic fantasy blossomed. You would come home and your boyfriend might be there or he might not. Either way you would plop down on the couch and lose yourself in your latest obsession: Stardew Valley. You had invested a lot of time in the relaxing game and had been itching to play since you put it down late Sunday night. If anything could brighten your Monday mood it was running your farm in Stardew Valley until bed time.

Four flights of stairs and you were finally at your door. The foyer was silent and after you dropped your purse and keys you stepped further into your living room and heard faint conversation coming from the kitchen. You smiled softly, your boyfriends brother was visiting today. You decided not to disturb them, their alliance rocky and easily tipped like a poorly constructed seesaw. If it was going well you would not be the breeze that tilted them out of favor. You rushed excitedly to your Nintendo Switch, sitting in its dock next to your tv. You picked it up making the console portable, turning it on as you snuggled into the couch. You selected your profile and then your game, moving the joycons to the load button where your farm was saved, except it wouldnt move to the prompt. You frowned and double checked that you were on your profile and not your boyfriend's. You had set him up with a profile and encouraged him to play some games, but he declined immediately and had not even touched the gaming console since purchasing it for your birthday last month. But you were on your profile...

"Loki!" You called, pulling your tired body regretfully from the comfort of your couch. You called your boyfriend's name again when he didnt answer. You were feeling spikes of irritation at his lack of response. You entered the kitchen, jaw clenched and brows furrowed in anger.

Loki sat across from Thor at your kitchen table, both gods sipping mugs of beer. Thor looked up at you with a large welcoming smile that was slowly fading at the look on your face, but Loki was looking down at your hand and the game clasped in your tight fist. He gulped audibly, his adams apple bobbing up and down.

"I'm in trouble." He uttered, briefly flicking his panicked gaze to your eyes before looking to his brother for help.

Thor's eyes widened as he took in the scene unfolding between you and Loki. He picked up his mug and drank deeply until the large tankard was empty. With a swipe of his mouth using the back of his hand he cleared his throat and stood.

"I should go. Lots of work to do. People to save and all that." He said trying to keep his tone casual but failing to hide all of the awkwardness he was feeling. You stepped aside and Thor brushed past you and continued his way out of your apartment. His long legs bringing him to safety in only a few seconds.

"Work emergency my love, the world needs me." Loki attempted to ease past you and follow his brother but your hand came to his chest, stopping him long enough for you to block the doorway again.

"What happened to my game Loki?" You asked calmly, anger bubbling just underneath the surface.

Your relationship hadn't ever been easy. Living with the god of mischief meant a lot of things happened at your expense. Even though you suffered at the hands of Loki when he was feeling bored you found his good qualities mostly outweighed the pranks...mostly.

"I dont know?" He tried, offering you the smile he knew would make you melt in any other situation. It didnt work this time.

"Do you know what you've done Loki? This isnt like when you filled my underwear drawer with snakes or jump scared me with your copies hidden all over the house. This is hours of work just gone!" You felt your anger overflow and seep into your voice, ending your rant with a shrill whine that echoed even in your small kitchen.

"Its not even real, darling." Loki tried to reason, his hand running through his long dark hair as his own frustration bubbled up.

"Its real to me! It makes me happy and relaxes me."

"I'm real!" His voice overruled yours in volume his finger pointing at his own chest, "I make you happy! Why do you need to continue to play this stupid game instead of spending time with me?" He was panting heavily once he released the words he had wanted to tell you all weekend.

You stayed silent for a few moments, your own chest rising and falling rapidly. Your jaw was clenched, holding yourself back from jumping into another mindless bout of word vomit that would only worsen your argument. You thought carefully about his words. Loki had always been jealous, it was a trait of his you noticed early on in your relationship. He was jealous of his brother, jealous of his relationship with their father, his friendship with the Avengers, and for a long time jealous of his ability to be loved by a woman. When you came along it took Loki a long time to trust that you were actually into him and not using him to get to Thor. You looked down at the Nintendo Switch in your hand. Loki was jealous of this, for taking up so much of your time and attention. You felt a little bit of shame mingle in with the large mass of anger.

You must have been silent for too long because Loki was pulling your chin up to meet your eyes with his steely gaze. You reluctantly complied and stared fiercely at him, hoping he was only seeing the stubborn fury and not the guilt that was growing inside you. You were stubborn and so was he, so you could not hide your surprise when he wrapped his arms around your waist loosely and planted a lingering kiss to your forehead.

"I am sorry for what I've done, love. I did not realize it's importance to you." He whispered as he leaned his head against yours. You didnt bother to suppress your smile. You nuzzled into his chest and inhaled deeply. Loki rarely admitted he was wrong. You were finally softening him up after three years together and nothing could make you happier. You pulled away from his embrace just long enough to gently put the game down on the kitchen counter. You put your arms around Loki's neck, staring softly into his bright green eyes.

"You're more important than the game, Loki."

Your lips met gently as Loki closed the distance between you. Your lips fit so well with his own. Just like your first kiss and all the others you've shared before now you were left to swim in a sea of bliss with Loki's lips as your only floatarion device.

You parted only when you had no more breath in your lungs, which was always too soon for the god who could keep going easily. Your foreheads stayed pressed together as you laughed softly and stole a few more light pecks that Loki was more than willing to let you take. The terse air had dissipated entirely, leaving only contentment. Eventually Loki pulled away from you, leaving you slightly put out.

You watched him turn slightly and pick up the console in his large hand. The glowing display still on the starting screen of Stardew Valley. Loki pressed the button to begin a new game. He leaned against the counter and pulled you to him, one hand resting on your hip and the other holding the game watching it load the character creation.

"Now, I know I cannot bring your farm back," He said, punctuating his words with a couple kisses to your temple, "but we can start a new one. Together."

You smiled up at him and took the Switch from his hands. Your thumbs moved deftly across the buttons and directional stick, creating an pixilated version of Loki. He watched in amusement as you typed his name into the box and pressed 'okay'. As the game loaded you pulled his face to yours and shared another sweet kiss.

[patsallthedogs]

Who the hell are you, Allyson?

Good question, inner-monologue!

Needless to say so much of my life has changed these past 1-2 years, I'm truly a lost soul.

Let me put proverbial pen to paper and let's figure it out.

I'm a person who enjoys a really clicky, flashy keyboard to write out the inner musings of my ever-fluid mind. Know that with every letter input, my soul is fed tiny breadcrumbs of pure joy.

I'm somewhat aged...ish. If I were a crème Brule I would still be in the liquid stage of my gelatinating. I turned 29 a bit over a month ago. But I don't feel 29... I can appreciate that age doesn't necessarily have an assigned feeling, but in my younger years I thought I would have more answers than I currently do. Alas, liquid stage brule. Still hoping to rise.

Ollie has been my pal for nearly 8 years. Circumstances have seen me move, a lot, in the past few years and we've gotten each other through those anxiety-ridden sea-changes. By the way, he's my dog. I know everyone says that, and then they blast their socials with photo after photo of selfies whereby the dog is often struggling to get away from their owner to avoid another 'candid' affection-session. But Ol, he's got my back and our cuddles don't need photographic evidence.

Roughly two-ish years ago, I found yoga. My google search led me to this gorgeous little studio in Blacktown and the practice stole my heart. I try to do it often. Life happens sometimes. But for a gal with next to no coordination, it gives me balance and helps me unwind.

I have a big beautiful bookcase that my late grandfather built me. It's full of books that I've read, and a lot more than I really want to read but never make the time to. When I was younger I found concentrating easy. Now, struggling on the precipice of the 'I do not want to plug-in and text and take pictures of f*cking everything, but I'm turning into a hermit' lifestyle, I find it difficult to sit down for a solid chunk of time and zone out. It's a work in progress though.

I change my hair colour a lot. It's a seesaw between browny/ashy/blondie and like bright red. Can confirm, my original shade is some hue of brown.

Friends is my hands-down, all-time, favourite show. I have seen every season at least 10-15 times. There's 10 seasons. Roughly 20-25 episodes per season at a whopping 24 minutes per episode. I still lose my mind laughing and I have undoubtedly incorporated that sense of humour into my personality. Mini-wave in celebration of me. A woo-hoo!

Need a decision made? Look further. Yep, you read that right. Libras of the world, speak now. I recently read an astrological post about the different sign types and I'll give it some merit. In a nutshell, we overthink a lot, we love hard, and we are constantly seeking resolution and peace. Much like Tinkerbell, if we are not in good company our light will go out.

This year, I am making an active effort to slow down. Mentally, emotionally, physically. My mind is mosh-pit of stampeding animals all trying to cram into an airplane toilet cubicle. Have you ever heard the irony that the fiercest marine animal in the ocean, the shark, must keep swimming or they will die? My brain runs on a similar anomaly. Even when I sleep, I'm thinking.

Like most people, I want to be fundamentally happy. It's my dream. It's the backbone of 99.99998% of decisions I make. About two years ago, I made the decision that my happiness is king. That gumption gave me the bravery to walk away from a miserable relationship, in a miserable, predictable life that was millimetres away from attempting a Dementor's kiss on me. Scary stuff.

Lorelai Gilmore sums it up best when she energetically squeals "COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!" at the drab barista.

I forget to cut the tags off my clothing. My tee-shirts are often times transparent on the days I decide to wear a really eccentric bra and I swear, I always TRY to be on time. Truthfully though, on a good day 20 minutes late is 5 early for me.

When did iPhones become so losable? I'm sort of sorry, but I'm sort of not - I just don't care enough about taking pictures or the Gram to have it glued to my palm.

In amidst all my recent existentialism, I have accepted that the universe is going to do what it's got planned, and as shitty as that is sometimes you have to ride the wave. Good things are always coming.

[ghostoftheyear]

Writing has been difficult lately. I keep thinking I should set aside To Be Human (mentally, anyway) and try doing something else short and fun, but I’m not really an idea machine at the best of time and less so now. Plus, I’ve been drawing a bit more; I tend to seesaw between the two when I’m in a creative mood.

Also, I plotted out the rest of To Be Human and I feel like my motivation died when that happened. I may be the dumbest writer going in that at least half the time, I have no clue how a story will end and I’m just writing to find that ending. (Rarely, I do have the end in mind already, but it’s the “how do I get from here to there” part that keeps me motivated.)

There’s also depression, which is still eating my brain alive. That doesn’t help.

Anyway, all of this to say that I’m sorry I haven’t been able to post anything new on To Be Human. I still love my wolfy boys so much, but I’m really afraid of not being able to finish the fic (and the one after that, because jesus, there’s too much plot). Maybe that’s what’s inhibiting me now. Fuck.

It kind of makes me laugh when I think about how last year at this time, I was writing like a fucking madwoman. Holy hell, February 11th last year was when I finished Waking the Moon. I know what happened after that; I started getting that monster headache that went on for like two months. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen again this year.

[wildewinged-fr]

hey @zweis-fr @plusle-n-minun you’ll never believe who found some unposted Content™!! i’m pretty sure it was me, honestly i thought i had posted this at some point but if so i can’t heckin find it. 

anyway, sadmaudru under the cut

Sadzhik lay quietly in bed, warm in a spill of late-afternoon sunlight streaming through the nearby window, sheets tangled a bit awkwardly around his legs - but moving wasn’t something he particularly wanted to do. No, that would disturb his companion, and wouldn’t that be a pity? 

Amaudru had, rather uncharacteristically, fallen straight to sleep before the sweat of their exertions had yet to dry. It was almost hopelessly charming - the way his eyes had fluttered closed despite his best efforts, heavy breaths gradually seesawing to the deep, slow rhythm of sleep. For a man who usually had at least three layers of clothing on a mere minute after they’d finished, it was exceptionally surprising. 

“You didn’t seem that tired,” Sadzhik murmured, brushing a wayward tuft of hair off of his forehead. “Are you finally learning to relax a little?” 

As if in instinctual rebuttal to his teasing, Amaudru’s nose scrunched as he frowned. Sadzhik laughed, hastily hushed behind a hand, but to no avail. Amaudru stirred, and in the brief moment Sadzhik had to react, he decided to play with him a little. 

He relaxed into the pillows as Amaudru sat up, letting his eyes fall closed and his breathing even out, a passable mimicry of a contented post-coital nap in the setting sun. Even without sight it was easy enough to track the process of Amaudru’s awakening - that rare contented lassitude whipping quickly into an almost mortified confusion, which blended neatly with harried indecision as he registered Sadzhik’s “sleeping” state. 

A tentative hand smoothed over his shoulder, that indecision weighing heavy in the air as Amaudru, presumably, debated whether to wake him or not. Sadzhik bit back a smile but let himself press into the touch a little, and - ah, disappointing. Amaudru jerked back as if burned, the bed shifting as he negotiated his way out of the tangle of blankets. 

Because Sadzhik felt the slightest bit petty that Amaudru was evidently planning to leave without even a goodbye, he listened carefully as he gathered his scattered clothing and redressed, waiting until his steps neared the door before he spoke up. “Leaving so soon?” 

While Amaudru said nothing, the resultant wave of his surprise and panic was near enough to a mental scream to make up for it. 

And ah, yes - when Sadzhik rolled lazily over to meet his eyes, the expression matched.

“You were awake,” Amaudru said. 

Sadzhik hummed noncommittally. “You were sneaking out. Or trying to, anyway.” He pouted. “Should I be insulted? I think I might be.” Amaudru hovered awkwardly by the door, and Sadzhik sighed, taking pity on him. “I don’t mind if you’d like to stay, you know. Though you are, at present time, wearing far too many clothes for this particular bed.” 

Amaudru flushed but ventured back, setting down the last outer jacket he’d been about to put on, at least. “I didn’t want to intrude.” 

“Oh no,” Sadzhik said, twisting out of the sheets and crawling smoothly to the edge of the bed Amaudru hovered by. He couldn’t hold back a pleased smile at the very clear effort Amaru was exerting to keep his eyes on Sadzhik’s. On his knees on the bed he was just a little taller than Amaudru, making it exceedingly easy to drape his arms over his shoulders and draw him in. “An attractive man whose company I enjoy, however will I cope.”

[frontproofmedia]

Pacquiao vs. Thurman Predictions: Current & Past Champions & Top Contenders

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Published: July 16, 2019

LAS VEGAS - The predictions are in from around the boxing world and the expert group that was polled is nearly split 50-50, but overall gives eight-division champion Senator Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao a slight edge over WBA Welterweight World Champion Keith "One Time" Thurman ahead of their Premier Boxing Champions on FOX Sports Pay-Per-View main event this Saturday from the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. The tally was 24-to-19 for Pacquiao over Thurman, with three picking a draw. Pacquiao even has a chance to stop Thurman based on the picks of at least three former champions who participated in the poll, while two picked Thurman to end the night early. In addition, eight respondents believe the fight is so evenly-matched that it will end in a split-decision. Here are the predictions from a mix of boxing legends, current and former champions and contenders, plus some of the most renowned trainers in the sport: Thomas Hearns, former five-division champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. Manny Pacquiao has the better skills and the experience overall in comparison to Keith Thurman, and I see Manny winning a decision by just out-boxing him. Deontay Wilder, WBC Heavyweight Champion Pick: Thurman SD 12. I like both fighters and what they've been able to achieve. Manny Pacquiao's a legend who still is among the world's best fighters despite his age and having to overcome so many ups and downs. But I'm going with Keith Thurman on a split-decision in this one based on his youth and mentality. People are talking about Keith's last fight against Josesito Lopez, but he feels like he's the best, and that he's not going to let anyone take that away from him. Roy Jones Jr., Former Three-Division World Champion Pick: Pacquiao W12: I'm going to go with Pacquiao because he's the older and therefore more experienced fighter. Errol Spence Jr., IBF Welterweight Champion Pick: Thurman SD 12. It just depends on which Pacquiao shows up and which Keith shows up. I think Keith will be a lot sharper than he was in his last fight. You know he had a long layoff and is just coming back. Keith is a lot tougher than people think he is. He took a lot of punches in that last fight. He took a lot of punches in the Shawn Porter fight, too. He might be a boxer, but he's tough and he's gritty, so I think he's going to win a split-decision or he's going to blow him out. It just depends on which Pacquiao comes out. If he can turn the tables a little bit and become the Pacquiao of back then, I think he can win. But if it's the Pacquiao that fought Broner, then I think Keith will edge him out and outpoint him. Keith can get on his bicycle and move around and just pot shot him. I think Keith will edge it out. Sugar Ray Leonard, former five-division world champion Pick: Thurman W 12. Keith Thurman has a ton of talent, power and speed. I like him to win. Gerry Cooney, former heavyweight title contender Pick: Pacquiao W 12. Manny Pacquiao's been a phenom, but age has been creeping up on him. Thurman's gonna try to box and use his power, and Manny's been knocked out before. It's a 50-50 fight, but I'm going with Pacquiao, who is really awkward and fast, to win a decision. Shane Mosley, former three-division world champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. I think that Pacquiao is going to win because of the experience, the speed and his power. Shawn Porter, WBC Welterweight Champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. I'm going with Manny Pacquiao, who still has the hunger, several levels of competitive spirit and quickness out of that southpaw stance that's hard to game plan for. Keith Thurman's young but coming off of a very long layoff and a level of relaxation and comfort that makes it difficult for me to see him being ready for this fight. I don't think Keith's body will be able to withstand what's going to come during those championship rounds. Pacquiao weathers the early storm and wins a decision. Andy Ruiz Jr., Unified Heavyweight World Champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. I'm going with Pacquiao because of his speed and aggressiveness. Mikey Garcia, four-division world champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. Ultimately Manny's footwork, hand-speed, combinations and volume punching will carry him throughout the rounds. Keith Thurman has the power to win it, and he's very dangerous for that power, but he's not a better fighter, overall, than Manny. I think Manny takes it. Julian Williams, WBA & IBF 154-pound World Champion Pick: Thurman SD 12. Manny's always super-competitive and I believe we'll see a hungrier and more determined Manny Pacquiao than the one who beat Adrien Broner. Manny may even be able to hurt Keith Thurman as he does everybody, but I believe Keith Thurman will have too much youth for him. Keith may not look great, but I'm going with Keith to win a close decision. Derrick James, trainer of welterweight champion Errol Spence Jr. and former champion Jermell Charlo Pick: Thurman W 12. I think Keith Thurman's gonna beat Manny Pacquiao by a decision as long as he can do what he did for the first seven rounds against Josesito Lopez for 12 rounds against Pacquiao. Keith's consistency will win the fight. Leo Santa Cruz, WBA Featherweight World Champion Pick: Thurman W 12: I feel that Keith Thurman is going to win because he's younger. Roberto Duran, former four-division world champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12: Manny Pacquiao is very tough and for me, he is going to win this fight. Robert Garcia, trainer of former four-division champion Mikey Garcia, contender Josesito Lopez Pick: Thurman W 12. Keith Thurman is strong, solid and smart in the ring, and he has youth on his side, so I see him winning a unanimous decision. I would no doubt pick Manny Pacquiao if this was four or five years ago the way he was dominating, but with him being at the age of 40, that's hard for me to do. Paulie Malignaggi, former two-division champion Pick: Thurman TKO 11. I saw Pacquiao in January beating Adrien Broner who was willing to enter the pocket but not let his hands go. Pacquiao is not a defensive genius, and I'm not saying that he's super hittable. But I do see Keith catching up to him and winning by a late-round TKO. Tony Harrison, WBC Super Welterweight Champion Pick: Draw. I have so much love and respect for Manny Pacquiao and Keith Thurman and I've seen fire in each of their eyes. I am envisioning an action-packed, seesaw battle that enhances the legacies of both fighters with the fans getting their money's worth. Manny's been re-awakened into the beast he's been in the past, and when the final bell rings, I believe this fight will end in a draw. Jarrett Hurd, former unified 154-pound champion Pick: Thurman W 12. I believe the youth of Keith Thurman will play a big factor. Yes, Thurman had a long layoff but I think he broke the ring rust after the Josesito Lopez fight. Josesito Lopez, Former title challenger Pick: Pacquiao SD 12. In our fight, Keith Thurman took a really hard punch from me that would have taken out almost anyone. That proves a lot about his championship ability to come back to win a fight. Thurman has great power and boxing skills and movement, but I still see Pacquiao pulling out a close decision victory. Gary Russell Jr., WBC Featherweight Champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. Keith Thurman is probably the bigger, stronger fighter, which will give him the puncher's chance, but I think Manny Pacquiao's work ethic and his punch output will dictate the fight. I really like Keith Thurman, but I don't know which Keith will show up. He has the ability to get Pacquiao outta there, but I see Pacquiao being more consistent. So, I think Manny's gonna outwork him and take it. Ronnie Shields, trainer of 160-pound champion Jermall Charlo, former 154-pound champion Erislandy Lara Pick: Thurman W 12. Keith is fast on his feet and has enough boxing ability to keep Manny at bay. I don't believe a KO will occur. I really believe they both will try for one, but in order for Manny to win, he has to hurt Keith early and often. I don't see it any other way. Jessie Vargas, former two-division champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. I'm going with Manny Pacquiao because of his experience and explosiveness and the fact that I believe that's something Keith Thurman's never seen before. A knockout for Pacquiao is 85% possible. Each is a great fighter who doesn't back down. Stephen Edwards, trainer of unified 154-pound champion Julian Williams Pick: Draw. I can't call this fight. I was picking Keith Thurman due to youth and not being the better fighter. I thought he would control Manny Pacquiao with a check hook. But Thurman has not looked right to me in the training footage. Maybe that's a ploy. Who knows? One fighter is 40 and the other looks rusty. I expect a close and controversial draw. Sergio Mora, former 154-pound champion Pick: Thurman KO 9. Manny Pacquiao's speed and footwork has diminished with age but he is still dangerous. Both will be aiming for the body and both will have their moments. Ultimately, I see Pac getting over aggressive and caught attempting to be great once again. Size and youth prevails in an exciting and competitive fight. Andre Berto, former two-time 147-pound champion Pick: Thurman W 12. I'm picking Keith Thurman to win a decision because he is younger, faster and stronger than Manny Pacquiao. Omar Figueroa, former world champion Pick: Pacquiao by KO 8. Keith Thurman is a really smart fighter, but he leaves himself open with some of his punches. I think Manny Pacquiao catches him with those short lefts and right hooks inside and possibly stops the fight in eight. Robert Guerrero, former two-division champion Pick: Pacquiao by late round KO. Manny's experience, combined with this speed and power, hitting off angles, is going to be too much for Keith Thurman. Jay Deas, trainer of WBC Heavyweight Champion Deontay Wilder Pick: Thurman W 12. Can Manny Pacquiao spell bound Keith Thurman, building a lead and holding off a late-round Thurman rally to take a decision? I don't think so with only one knockout since 2010. Thurman's left hand will be a key if he can jab the southpaw Pacquiao effectively. If Thurman is intelligently aggressive, uses his left and starts and finishes the exchanges, I believe he will win a decision in an exciting fight. Joel Diaz, renowned trainer Pick: Pacquiao W 12. Keith Thurman didn't look good against Josesito Lopez, who is a warrior but not on the level of a Manny Pacquiao. Pacquiao's a lefty with great speed and footwork to create problems for Thurman. Thurman's bigger, younger and stronger, but Pacquiao has the power to hurt Thurman with either hand. I see Pacquiao increasing the pace over the later rounds and winning a decision. Abner Mares, former three-division champion Pick: Thurman W 12. Everyone is going off Manny Pacquiao's last performance, where he looked phenomenal against an Adrien Broner who didn't throw a lot of punches and was on the ropes a lot. Pacquiao's not fighting Broner but a Thurman who knows how to work every round. He got hurt against Josesito Lopez, but that was after a long layoff. Erislandy Lara, former 154-pound champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. This is a true 50-50 fight and a great one for the boxing fans. Going off their last few performances, I'm leaning towards Manny "Pac-Man" Pacquiao to win a decision. But I wouldn't be shocked to see Keith Thurman return to form. Sergey Lipinets, former 140-pound champion Pick: Draw. The fight looks like a 50-50 proposition. Manny Pacquiao is a way more diverse fighter then Keith Thurman. The big question would still be if Pacquiao has got any of that left or enough to maintain that through 12 rounds. I think we'll see them fight to a draw. Gary Russell Sr., father and trainer of 126-pound champion Gary Russell Jr. Pick: Thurman W 12. Manny Pacquiao has a herky-jerky style that can cause problems for Keith Thurman, who I don't think can out-box Pacquiao. Keith's gonna have to be the more physical fighter, coming out as the stalker and going to the body. I think that ultimately that's what he's gonna do to win a decision. David Benavidez, former 168-pound champion Pick: Pacquiao by KO 9. I feel like Manny is going to have a hard time with Keith Thurman running around in the first few rounds. Then I expect "PacMan" to start hurting Thurman by Round five or six and then I see him stopping "One Time" around the ninth. It's gonna be a great fight though. Marcus Browne, interim WBA 175-pound champion Pick: Thurman W 12. This is a great fight that's tough to call, so to pick a draw wouldn't be far-fetched. I'm a big Manny Pacquiao fan and he looked great in his last fight beating Adrien Broner. But Keith ain't Adrien Broner, and I think he'll overcome the ring absence since he appears to be in a zone. I'm going to choose Keith to win a close decision. Ruben Guerrero, father and trainer of former two-division champion Robert Guerrero Pick: Pacquiao SD 12. It's going to be one hell of a fight, but Manny Pacquiao will win the later rounds to win a close one. Luis Ortiz, heavyweight title contender Pick: Pacquiao SD 12. Manny Pacquiao will win via decision. He has too much experience and has been active. Keith Thurman has been too inactive. I think it will probably be a split decision for Pacquiao. Erickson Lubin, 154-pound title contender Pick: Pacquiao SD 12. Manny Pacquiao's southpaw style will confuse Keith Thurman. "Pacman" wins by split-decision with his power, speed and combination punching. Austin Trout, former 154-pound champion Pick: Thurman SD 12. I'm going to rock with my man Keith Thurman. People who are judging off his last fight don't understand how much inactivity can play a role. Now that the rust is off, I expect Keith to pull it off. Keith is going to go above and beyond in what will be a 12-round fight that he's gonna win by a split-decision. Kevin Cunningham, trainer of Erickson Lubin Pick: Pacquiao W 12. I'm gonna have to go with Manny Pacquiao on this one because he still has good speed, explosiveness, footwork and punches well in combinations. Keith Thurman may be looking to land something big, and he may be able to hurt Manny in some way, but I'm picking Manny by decision. Jamal James,147-pound contender Pick: Pacquiao W 12. Keith Thurman comes in with great skills, but I don't see him beating Manny Pacquiao, who is a really crafty southpaw, is still quick on his feet, and throws fast, sharp combinations. I don't think Keith can match Pacquiao's hand-speed and footwork. I can't rule out a knockout, but I think Pacquiao wins a decision. Caleb Truax, former 168-pound champion Pick: Pacquiao W 12. I think the smart pick is Keith Thurman, but I can't bet against Manny Pacquiao. I have "PacMan" by close decision in a back and forth fight. Calvin Ford, trainer of WBA 130-pound champion Gervonta Davis Pick: Thurman W 12. Keith Thurman's motivated to get his name back into the spotlight, but Manny Pacquiao looks as if he's up to the challenge after beating Adrien Broner. Pacquiao throws a lot of punches, but I'm going with the younger guy on this one and Thurman winning a great fight by decision. Andre Rozier, trainer of former 160-pound champion Daniel Jacobs Pick: Thurman W 12. I have a tale of two fights for you. If we see the "One Time" Thurman of old, it will be a long night for the "PacMan." If we see the tentative, super cautious Thurman that we have been seeing lately, the "PacMan" will have a chance. Stephen Fulton, Unbeaten 122-pound contender Pick: Pacquiao W 12. I see Manny Pacquiao winning a unanimous decision based on his activity and that fact that Keith Thurman has been inactive for a while. Pacquiao lets his hands go more than Thurman, and I believe that, as well as Pacquiao's heart and being smarter in the ring, wins the fight. Mario Barrios, undefeated 140-pound contender Pick: Pacquiao W 12. I believe Manny's going to be too crafty for Keith Thurman and Thurman won't be able to land those big shots on him. Total: Pacquiao - 24 Thurman - 19 Draw - 3

(Featured Photo: Andres Kudacki/AP Photo)

[phatjosh180]

Time to commence -- Operation Half Ass

I love organizing my fitness. I love mapping it all out. And, I love working toward those goals. Working toward these goals — whether their weight-loss or running related — is something I love and need.

After my ‘More Grease for Greece’ campaign that I did from August to November to help me lose 35lbs. with the keto diet, I feel the need to hone in on my diet and workout regime, especially now that I know what I’m dealing with regarding my ankle.

I am still doing the keto diet. I’ve been on it ever since I got back from Europe. I’ve lost about another 5lbs., but for the most part I’ve stalled a bit. And, I know why. I need to refocus myself and be more meticulous with my approach, numbers and intensity. I’ve been here before and I know what it takes to get past these plateaus.

But, these last 20lbs. toward my goal weight will be the toughest. It’s going to take a lot of discipline and focus. And, to help me I divided my focus into three specific areas … weight loss, diet and training.

They’re all listed below with a bit more detail. But, the goal is to really focus in on these three areas for the next six weeks — leading up to my next half marathon (Riverton Half, March 24). I won’t be ready to run a killer half marathon, but I’ll be in a better situation than I am right now.

So without further adieu, here are my three focus areas in what I’m calling ‘Operation Half Ass’ …

FOCUS #1: LOSE 20LBS

I have stalled in my weight loss since December. This was kind of expected and I am not too worried about it, because my workouts and runs have been less consistent and intense with my injury recovery. But, I feel like I am turning that curve, especially now that I know how to tackle my recovery.

I am sitting between 245-250lbs. — depending on the day — and I really want to get back to the 225-230lbs. range. When I was at my “best” — I was in that range. My lowest ever — well, in my adulthood — was 218lbs., but that 225-230lbs. range was where I peaked with my performance.

I’d like to get back to that.

That means I need to lose 20-25lbs. to get there. Which will be tough. The last 20-25lbs. of any  weight loss goal is tough. And, this is the part of the game that I am going to have to do things differently in my running and workouts than I have the past 4-6 months. Which is fine. But, that requires a change in focus, mentality and commitment.

I’ve been here before — which helps. The key like anything in life is sticking to it and being tenacious with your goals and focus.

FOCUS #2: COUNT TOTAL CARBS

Being a keto discipline is tough. For me, it’s not so much avoiding carbs, but it’s how in I fuel myself with the needed carbs throughout my day. Most of my carbs come from vegetables — namely salad — lettuce, green peppers, onion and the carb here and there that you can’t avoid in most foods.

Depending on who you ask, some ketoers count total carbs, while others only count net carbs (total carbs – fiber). I’ve always counted net carbs. It’s worked for me as I keep my daily carb total at 25-30 net carbs.

Is that too much?

Probably?

In reality I am probably getting 35-40 total carbs. I’ve been in ketosis, but lately it’s been a struggle keeping myself there. After talking to a few keto friends — this is probably why. So, I am switching from counting net carbs to total carbs.

The thing I do have to watch is my carbs — most ketoers shoot for 20-25 grams a day, but my doctor wants me to be around 25-30 grams because of my Hashimoto’s Disease. Being the Google stalker I am, I’ve seen that suggestion all over online for Hashimoto Ketoers — and since the goal is to have a healthy thyroid and not necessarily get cut and lose weight, I feel that I should follow those guidelines.

So total carbs it is.

FOCUS #3: BALANCED TRAINING

I think the thing that went against me the last 4-6 months in my training was the skewed training balance. I was trying to train for my 100 mile run, I was running way too much and had a half marathon (or two) every weekend.

I won’t lie — that put me out of whack in my training.

Granted I had weight training classes during the week and I was getting miles in. But, the balance was off and not completely in line with my goals. And, then considering my injury recovery that just further threw off my balance, because I couldn’t physically do what I need to do to properly prepare myself for my 100 mile run.

I really held onto the hope that somehow, one day, I’d miraculously wake up pain free and be able to do what I needed to do. Well, that day never came. And, reality finally sunk in — eight months after my injury.

While I’m glad that I never gave up to the hope things would get better, I also wish I came to the realization earlier. It would have probably sped up the recovery process quicker. Either way, we’re here now and there’s no changing that.

So the plan of attack is balancing my fitness — that means more strength training, less running and focusing on my flexibility while maintaining my needed physical therapy stretches for my ankle. I know that might sound a bit confusing, but the past couple of years running was the fat kid on the other end of the seesaw — I can’t have that any more.

I need balance.

Having ten more races until Race #180 is really a blessing in disguise, because that forces me to not be running a half marathon every weekend. I will have a couple back-to-back weekends with a half marathon, but that’s twice and very doable considering I am sweeping one of the two races.

Not only am I not running 13.1 miles every weekend, I am also not running every weekend. Each month I have one weekend that’s specifically for cross training — boot camp, swimming, long hike and what not … just no running.

I’m doing that so I won’t wear down throughout the year — and because I want/need that balance. I need to feel okay with not feeling the guilt of not doing a long run once a month. Plus, it allows me to explore other areas of fitness.

Just don’t ask me to get on a bike. But, that’s a post for another day.

Anyways, balance. Balance. Balance. Balance.

WORKOUT REGIME

I am a creature of habit. But, I also love varied — everyone once in a while. When I started out my weight-loss journey in 2009 I made it a point to switch up my diet and workout routine about every 4-8 weeks. I need to get back into that habit.

I found that the more I changed my approach and routine the easier it was for me to break through plateaus. I think that’s what really helped me lose over 100lbs. within a year.

I want to find a way to do that with my keto diet — which I’ll research in the next couple of weeks, but the focus right now is the workout regime. I’ll blog about this in more depth in the next couple of weeks, but I want to share with you my workout regime for the next eight weeks.

(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

My focus is not only balance, but under my doctor’s direction — recovery for my ankle. This will lead me to the Riverton Half Marathon on March 24th. The running won’t prepare me for a fast race — but, that’s okay. I know I can grind out 13.1 miles — no matter now ugly it might look.

But, I really want to not only cut some more weight off the gut, but I really just want to give myself a good solid base to my fitness. A base that will help me moving forward with my health and weight — and keep my ankle happy and recovering.

My goal running wise isn’t necessarily to get fast this year — just faster. And, really that will come with the focus on training, diet and the way I balance that. But, in 2019 when I’ve solidified that base my focus will be on getting fast as I hopefully hone in on getting a sub-two half marathon time.

That’s a lot of info to process, so I might have to save all of that for a post for another time? Either way, I’m deliberately being strategic on my approach. I HAVE to be smart about it, especially in how I balance my goals with my reality.

And, I’m extremely excited about it all.

A post shared by The Runcast (@theruncast) on Jan 10, 2018 at 5:34am PST

Time to commence — Operation Half Ass was originally published on PhatJosh | My Life Running.