#(she wont think that at all. im stupid)
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☆ even the gods bleed [ pt 2 ]
{☆} characters furina, neuvillette {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings none {☆} word count 1.9k {☆} previous [ 1 ]
This had to be a punishment of some sort – some kind of divine punishment.
She was bored out of her mind just watching the sleeping body – she hadn't blinked once in the past five hours, her eyes were really starting to hurt. Yet they still hadn't moved so much as an inch since she sequestered them away to the only place she had known to be safe.
But it'd been almost a week since then.
The only solace she found was that Teyvat had seemed much less hellbent on collapsing in on itself like a dying star.
That counted for something.
Not much, but something!
..Even if their position was no better then it was a week ago.
There was, after all, still the issue of what to do about the false Creator – the actual imposter – and the Archons following them like blind lambs. The other Archons wouldn't listen if she tried to reason with them, and it would only risk the life of Divine One if she spoke of their location to anyone else.
She also was pretty fond of having her head still attached to her shoulders.
So she avoided them all together. Partially because she wasn't sure she wouldn't have a breakdown at the sight of them..she'd never been a fighter, and fighting an Archon? Easy pass.
Instead she was forced to babysit the sleeping Divine until they woke up while Neuvillette handled taking care of the nation and dealing with the other Archons – and by extension the false Creator.
Really though, she would almost think them dead if not for the subtle rise and fall of their chest.
Though..this also left her with a lot of time to herself. A lot of time to think.
She really didn't like it.
There wasn't a lot to occupy her mind and what little there was only distracted her for a scant few moments before her eyes drifted back to the Divine like she was locked in their orbit, unable to escape.
She closed the same book for the twelfth time – she kept count – and returned it to it's meticulously designed place within her bookcase. A low, barely audible huff of frustration escaped her lips before she could bite it down, her stare boring a hole into the body of the Divine One with a sharp intensity she rarely showed.
She was tired, bored and constantly on edge, fearing that at any moment someone would find out about their presence here.
That, at the drop of a hat, she would be powerless to stop the greatest tragedy of her time play out before her eyes.
Neuvillette would have scolded her for being so petulant, especially around the Divine One, if he were here.
But he wasn't.
He was out running her nation, instead.
And what was she doing? Nothing!
She grit her teeth, nails digging harshly into the palm of her hands as she took a deep breath – now was not the time to think about that. She had..much more pressing matters. Sulking and letting her thoughts spiral helped no one, least of all herself.
Yet her attention was caught by a harsh inhale, the rustle of fabric – were they finally waking up? She was exhausted, but it all vanished at the sudden drop of life within the otherwise deathly still body of the Divine.
Her eyes followed the subtle twitch of their fingers, watching as their brow furrowed and their features twisted in something almost like..pain.
..She wasn't ready.
What was she supposed to say?
Should she even say anything? Would that be considered impolite? Does she wait for them to speak first? Should she kneel? Bow?
She doesn't get much time to find her own answer before their lashes flutter, chest heaving with every strangled breath. Every single thought vanishes from her mind the moment she meets their eyes.
For a long, silent moment she thinks that her heart must have stopped.
Their eyes glow like the cresting of the sun over the horizon, painting the world in hues of gold – yet it also reminded her of the dipping of the moon below the waves, casting the briefest, most gentle of lights upon the world engulfed in darkness. In the depths of their eyes was the birth and death of stars in the infinite cosmos – glittering stars in a sea of empty, blank space that left her feeling lightheaded and breathless.
Beneath the splendor is a spark of recognition in their eyes so vibrant it was like a shooting star piercing through the dark night sky, leaving nothing but the wonder in the eyes of the observer as the only proof it ever existed – brilliant in it's beauty, however brief.
It is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.
"Focalors?"
The lilt of their voice nearly made her knees buckle beneath her – euphoria so consuming it left her feeling she was starving swallowed her whole, her mind blanking in a moment of utter bliss. It was..an indescribable feeling that she doubted she could ever hope to put into words – not in a way that could properly express it, try as she might.
She swallowed the words that threatened to spill from her lips – she couldn't make a fool of herself. Not in front of them of all people. She'd never forgive herself.
"Divine One," She rasps, clearing her throat and covering her mouth with a hand to mask both her nervousness and the small smile that creeps across her face. She quickly regains her composure, hand resting on her hip as she puffs out her chest with every bit of pride she can manage. "I am sure you must be confused, but worry not– your most loyal acolyte has seen the truth!"
The silence is deafening.
She opens one eye, peaking at the bewildered and almost distraught expression of the Divine.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
That..she was not prepared for. Surely they knew who they were! Surely they knew. They had to– she's been praying to them for as long as she's breathed, she's dedicated every hour of her life to living up to their ideals, they can't just–!
"Lady Furina?"
Neuvillette, thankfully, spares her the embarrassment of having a meltdown in front of the Divine, the gentle rap of his knuckles against the door making her and the Divine pause, the soft lull of his voice soothing her nerves and yet setting her on edge at the same time.
"Neuvillette." She clears her throat again, her steps hurried as she marches to the door and pries it open none too gently, a forced smile pulling at her lips. She wastes no time tugging the man into the room, shutting the door behind him with a short huff. The silence is, somehow, even worse then before as the three of them stare at each other in absolute exasperation.
Neuvillette, for his part, manages to get his act together with a sharp clearing of his throat, bowing so low even she looks unnerved. She steals a brief glance at the Divine, and she's taken aback by the uncomfortability twisting their features into a grimace.
Their expression is schooled back into one of empty apathy when he stands back to his full height, but she saw it – she knows she did! Did they not like their worship? Were they not respectful enough? For a moment, she feared the Divine would smite Neuvillette down on the spot..but they just stared at him like he was a ghost.
"Why aren't you killing me?"
The defeated, resigned tone combined with the way their voice cracks makes her heart ache in her chest – it feels as though her entire world is crumbling down at her feet, and she cannot explain why she feels such emotions so strongly, but it is suffocating. It is almost as if Teyvat itself is weeping, bearing down upon her shoulders like a heavy weight.
She feels the urge to weep herself, but she powers through, gritting her teeth long enough for Neuvillette to take his place at the side of her – though it feels more like their – bed, kneeling like he was going to pray.
"Divine One," He offers a hand with a quiet rumble of his voice, the words slipping off his tongue like honey. It's like trying to soothe a stray cat..though she'd never voice such comparisons of the most Divine out loud. "I..we mean you no harm. I swear on my authority as the Iudex of Fontaine and Chief Justice that you are safe with us."
The skepticism she expected, but the reverence in which Neuvillette must convince them – or perhaps they are simply so tired that they simply did not care any longer if it was all some ploy to drive a knife between their ribs. She didn't expect them to actually place their hand in Neuvillette's.
He didn't either, judging by the way he visibly brightened – not that they'd notice, but she did.
..Not that she could really blame him, her heels clicking against the floorboards as she shifted her weight to the other foot with a nervous energy that was practically bursting at the seams, more then a little jealous of the attention he was receiving. She was the one who found them, she was the one who stayed with them the entire time..but he gets all the attention?
How unfair.
"O-of course! We would never lay a hand on our creator," She adds, her voice a little higher pitched then she would have liked as she placed her hands on her hips, puffing out her chest and brushing off the sting of jealousy. "Least of all I– your most loyal, most devout acolyte!"
She felt baffled when she heard the sound of their laughter, her shoulders hunching and her cheeks flushing on mere instinct – she was expecting mockery, but the look in their eyes, still dulled by a pain she cannot even begin to imagine, made her hesitate.
..It was, perhaps, the most genuine thing she'd heard from them ever since before the hunt began.
She wasn't sure why her heart hurt at such an idea, but it was enthralling to see the beginnings of a half hearted smile on their lips.
For a moment, her mask of theatrics was forgotten as she stared at them in a mixture of awe and adoration– and though she didn't look at Neuvillette, she could imagine he must've shared such an expression.
Had she any doubts that they were her Creator, that they alone were the most Divine..they would wiped clean now. There was no mistaking the way the world itself seemed to grow clearer as they glanced up at her like she was worth something.
For a moment, she realized how cold the false Creators gaze had been now that she has felt warmth so gentle it almost made her knees buckle beneath her. It felt like a pale imitation, now.
Nothing could compare to the warmth that spread through her body at the mere semblance of a smile upon their lips. She didn't even mind if it was her they were laughing at anymore, she just wanted to hear them laugh again.
She'd make a fool of herself, if she had to.
She'd never felt so..ravenous for such a thing, but just the briefest glimpse was addictive.
She simply couldn't help herself from striding across the room and clasping their free hand in her own, her smile wide enough to unnerve as she leaned her weight onto the bed. For a moment, she considered pulling away at the way they startled, but her mind was made up by then – there was no going back.
"Again."
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#neuvillette#focalors#furina#dont ask what happened here idk#this was. also supposed 2 be neuvi focused and then i.#dont talk 2 me abt focalors i wont ever shut up#got a 300k word essay on hand abt how i feel abt her character/how i interpret her personality and her story#focalors jsut like me fr fr (cries at the slightest inconvenience or the slightest mean comment)#shes so pathetic girlfail im gonna chew on her#what happens when reader gets stuck with two emotionally repressed french bastards?? hell#neuvi is the “emotionless” flavor of emotionally repressed in that hes HORRIBLE at showing emotions at all#ask him to smile and its incredibly unnerving and theres too many teeth but hes trying his best please call him pretty or he will cry :(#furina is the flavor of emotionally repressed where she makes it up by having Too Many emotions#using theatrics and masks to show everyone what they want to see but inside this girl is a MESS#constant anxiety and panic 24/7#will do random shit and look at you and if u dont compliment her she will think u hate her and cry#compliment her and she'll do even stupider shit to try and impress you more#i love my scrunkly little babies they r so stupid and mentally ill someone get these bitches some THERAPY#i want 2 put them under a microscope#watch this be ooc fr furina when more of her lore drops if shes not girlfail im leaving#anyway see u in a week im going on a trip ill get back 2 u in 6-7 business days
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Hey remember when I said that this was the most frustrating thing about being a Helluva Boss enjoyer?
Yeah I was wrong.
The most frustrating thing about being a Helluva Boss enjoyer is explicitly stating multiple times that I like show and then get called an anti and homophobic and media illiterate when I complain about the direction it has taken.
I LIKE the comedy
I LIKE the animation and artstyle
I LIKE the more serious plotlines like the government agents plot and the Cherubs plot
I LIKE the themes of friendship and found family
I even like most of the songs!
And ofc the voice cast slays every time
But just because your show has angst and tears and drama and sad music doesn't automatically make it "good".
Just because your characters are queer doesn't automatically make them good or well written characters
This fandom is so frustrating to deal with when you want to express your more nuanced takes of it
This is probably gonna be the last post I make about this subject and about Helluva Boss in general, this shit is too stupid to deal with
#still cant get over how i got called an anti and homophobic and media illiterate for saying:#'damn i wish the comedy show written by comedians had more comedy in it'#you can absolutely 100% write a comedy show with a more serious plot thread running through the whole thing#some of the most memorable and popular animated shows are just that#you got Gravity Falls The Owl House the Tales of Arcadia trilogy She-Ra ATLA etc....#fuck it even the first few seasons of Voltron for crying out loud#but the problem im having with HB is that its not a comedy with a serious plot thread anymore#its all drama all tears all angst with the occasional joke thrown in here and there#most of the shows I mentioned start off with episodic comedic adventures with hints towards the more serious stuff here and there#but the Stolitz drama started in the FIRST EPISODE#(in my opinion) the best eps of s1 are the ones that have little to nothing to do with Stolitz when we're given time to get to know the team#because we got to have FUN first we got to see the team dynamic in action#if the “serious plot thread” in HB was Blitz's relationships why didnt he apologize to Moxie and Millie in Apology Tour? or Loona?#or his FUCKING SISTER??????#the government agents and the Cherubs plotline makes x100 more sense as a serious plot thread for the premise of the series anyway#i could go on and on about this but I wont cause Im tired of thinking about this#this is stupid#im gonna ENJOY HB when I can#but that doesn't mean that there arent SERIOUS narrative issues with the series#and if you enjoy Stolitz good for you#peace and love#but its not something I can overlook#helluva boss#helluva boss critical#helluva boss criticism#helluva boss critique
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aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i havnt drawn in a little
#I 4GOT CISSIES EARRIGG BG S#HITS TVSLE AAAAAAAAAA IM 2 LAZY 2 GO BACK IM SRRY GORLIE :(((#just a kint of konbart as a treat 4 me ig#4every piercing kon has; the more pronouns she attains#if i explained my thought process whenever i draw kon it would just be hehehehehehheehheheheheehe#heart glasseess!!!! i need 2 find more fun glasses shapes 2 draw her in tbh tbh#i did light shading & my head starts hurting godAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i havent been on ib like a while & theres sm posts omg yummy im looking @ all my moots & kickin my feet omgg tehe#i need 2 try 2 sleep get rid of this headache b4 i continue 2 stare @ my screen tho….. i prolly wont i wanna talk im tired of bing sad LMAO#more kart 2 day ((literally prolly tmr))#ive been thinking about aus sm this is so its so woahhhh#kon el#kart#puppee art#GAAAAHHHHHH I WANNA EXPLAIN MY STUPID HCS 4 Y I DRAW KON LIKE THISSS#i dont bc im 80% sure ill b ripped apart but like i love talking about them i love talking about kon sm#@ least i do 2 my doggie
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patting myself on the back for enforcing the most basic of boundaries with my mother by refusing to talk to her until tomorrow after she tried to insist on calling me for the fourth time today in as many hours because i'm sick and she wants to "check up" on me. this is why i don't talk to you unless i have to!!! because you'll use any excuse to be up in my business every 5 minutes and make me feel like you think i'm 2 years old and incapable of taking care of myself!!!
#🐉#like shes absolutely OBSESSED with my health to an insane degree because shes one of those alternative medicine types#and every time i so much as mention i have a headache its all that she can think about for the rest of the week#and it becomes her mission to obsess over my symptoms until she either wears me down into letting her send me her stupid sugar pills#and essential oils (which i never use so i hate the waste) or i tell her to get off my back#ughhhhhh i swear to god if she tries to treat me like a child when i visit im going to tell her my honest feelings and i know#she wont love that
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The thing thats consistently bothered me the most in the fallout show is the racism. I would hesitate to recommend it because of that alone. And there was obvious love that the set and prop designers, actors, costume department, and even maybe the writers put into the show! There are themes and characters in fallout that i'm certain would resonate with fans of color!
It KILLS me that so many of the fallout entries are damn well unplayable/watchable in this regard because the writers simply Don't Care how the people in their work are presented. That this like hugely popular world with a lot of worldbuilding and thought behind it does such wrong to so many people, fans and otherwise, that you cannot find any game in the series that does it right or well. It alienates a lot of people who might've been fans just because the majority white creators and fanbase don't give a shit, and I'm sick of it.
it's not enough to say "in the fallout in my head that racism doesn't happen," you actually have to put some things into PRACTICE. Allow space in your head, your games/show, your fan spaces for people of color! notice and say something when you see racism coming from media, yourself, and others!
#like its not AS bad as other fallout media but isnt that the fucking kicker. that its not AS bad#and in fact the games im thinking of that are most egregious in their racism ARE interplay/obsidians games.#bethesda is NOT free from criticism or racism. just look at the elder scrolls.#all of the fallout games have been terrible to different extents to their black characters#the games are TERRIBLY sinophobic. the great war being pinned on china allows for SO much racism in the writing and in fan spaces#but fallout 2 and new vegas specifically have awful and degrading representations of indigenous people. to the point where i wont play 2.#and now this show treating maximus nearly one to one with how star wars writers AND fans treated finn? its not okay#personal /#fallout show#fallout blogging#racism#antiblackness#colonialism#fallout#if not for this i would have thought that the show was GOOD. surprisingly compelling. anti capitalist messaging. but its just. all the time#and this is coming from a white person! i can only listen and imagine how painful it is to play these games or watch the show#and be the butt of the joke every time!!! or the villain or the fool or the one who dies or the nameless entry.#maximus gets to have Some time in the light as a protagonist but for the beginning half of it he's treated SO awfully by the writers#and the latter half does not do enough to make up for it#EDIT: I JUST FINISHED THE SHOW AND THEY FUCKING MADE IT WORSE....#taking max out and having lucy leave him. for what exactly. why did they have to undermine him and make him look stupid at every opportunit#AND. two of the more major black women being evil capitalists juxtaposed by some white guy who opposes? .........................#like im glad moldaver was there. i guess. but even she is posed as the villain for the good majority of it and kills innocent people#for no reason and. UGH
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tams azula is sooo fascinating bc while canon azula doesn't really show her age at all like she's completely desensitised to so much shit 'she is fourteen' is not a justification for ANYTHING both in her own mind and in other people's, in tams she has zuko. and yes the world has been abundantly cruel to her but zuko hasn't. he's basically raised azula and he's done so in a way that she's allowed to show her age, but she still only shows her age in very azula-esque ways. there's no reluctance to see violence like you'd expect from a fourteen-year-old, and like ive said before, that means zuko can't play on that reluctance in order to shield her, but he still wants to shield her from that violence because regardless of what SHE feels about it, as the eldest he knows fundamentally that she shouldn't be seeing certain things no matter how well she can handle them. and seeing zuko effectively PLAY azula in order to protect her is so interesting and complicated and fun
#and also a little heartbreaking bc it's the 'you protect azula but who protects you?'#like in order to shield azula from these things zuko is metaphorically standing in front of her and seeing them himself#as if he's not only sixteen and a child too#but yeah taking azula's canon traits and manipulating into the tamsverse is soooo fun#like the example that inspired this post is how canon azula is logical NOT cruel#like time and time again she follows only the logical route and even actively avoids the cruel route#e.g calling off torture in the boiling rock bc she knew that he was telling the truth and therefore continuing to torture him was illogical#im not saying azula is averse to/incapable of cruelty i just hc that she genuinely just thinks it's stupid#just like any other unnecessary act would be considered stupid. if it's not logical or being used for a greater plan then what's the point?#and tams azula STILL HOLDS THIS TRAIT except because i lean more into her age in tams bc she's been given the freedom with zuko#to liberally be a CHILD without any consequences as a result of that simple thing#her intense logic actually becomes a certain naivety on azula#like she cannot comprehend other people NOT coming to the conclusions she comes to#and that expands to needless cruelty. like she wont factor a person's cruelty into her calculations#because in her head all she needs to dismiss that calculation is 'excessive cruelty here would waste time which is illogical'#she assumes everyone is as smart and to-the-point as she is so when they ARENT and will actively waste time just to do dumb shit#it catches her off guard and she DOESNT PLAN FOR IT so it can really fuck them over sometimes#so this is one instance where zuko has azula beat despite it being STRATEGY aka azula's strong point#bc zuko's immense cynicism and assumption that Everyone Is Awful doesn't hold up against logic 9 times out of 10#but the one time it does is the time azula gets caught out#i just think tams zuko and azula's dynamic is so fucking interesting im so clever for that tbh#twice as many stars
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Who all remember video games
#Ran through all of the underdark yesterday And killed halsins stupid portal#U would not believe how easy it is when spirit guardians is not broken. As it was in my first game#Anyway had my character hooking up with laezel and when she wanted to fight i said sure to see how it looks#March oneshotted her in the first round of combat it was over instantly. And then i had to turn her down. My biggest crime in this game tbh#I need to romance her.. (said about almost all characters constantly)#txt#Hi im stuck in a long boring class and i have video games on my mind. This is what u get#In my rich inner world i know march does actually have feelings for laezel but they wont deal with their issues until much later#And by then its. Way too late and laezel is off to space. Unless i persuade her to stay this time but i dont think they would do that...#I love uu messy friendships and missed opportunities
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#my mom said no more eras for me 👍😀👍#she said my car needs work before it drives that far#and its too expensive#which is is like. FINE. whats worse js#i should've just taken my damn self yesterday or today#if my car broke down at least i wouldve tried#but i dont think it would . but whatever#the onky reasons i didn't was i let my mom take her sweet time thinking abkut Toronto abd getting my hopes jp#and. the anxiety. i let my stupid anxiety stkp me from living my life again#im a GROWN ASS WOMAN WITH MONEY AND A CAR. I DONT NEED MY MOM'S PERMISSION TO GO ON A ROAD TRIP#i just gkt ANXIOUS.#and i would still go tomorrow but the prices are now more than what i have to my name!!!!!!!#i COULD have just gone yesterday or today. and i didn't. bc i have stupid nervous bitch disorder#and it holds me back so much all tbe time and its PISSING ME OFF#why cant i just have a normal person life#im really not seeing eras again#and its really ending#which i think is hitting me now for the first time#and i love Taylor swift so much. and ill probably never be abke to see her tour again bc the whole world decided to like her too#im literally crying harder than i have in a long long long time . it wont stop ahah lol#i cant breathe bahahahahahha#i turned on tsom and its not helping ahahahahhaha#i hate myself i hate my life
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idk if this would be helpful to you but how about. you pick your fave 5 letters. then make up a thesis statement/question/thing that stars with each of thise 5 letters. and then make a poll and have people vote on it? not the same as getting assigned something specific but it might give you direction. in case you dont have any favourite letters here are my 10 top 10 if you want more examples 1. j 2. e 3. o 4. g 5. d 6. b 7. i 8. l 9. z 10. u
if this isnt totally your thing and youre not interest u dont have to reply i just thought maybe u need a nudge like this :-)
augh this is brilliant thank you my friend ill give this a spin :-) those are very good letters indeed!! thank you for your help, getting peer reviewed should be very useful, so ill think about those statements now!
#ive had a pretty good idea since before i started at university and i could've been getting paid for it all this time if i wasn't busy doing#the érettségi before the application deadline so i never pursued it because also the more i thought about it the more pointless it seemed#but i just said to my mum 'the romans brought christianity to the british isles' and she said 'huh?' and then she said that i dont have to#write a phd right now and i can just compare the texts im thinking about and that'll be plenty i dont have to do the history of them#and that does seem more doable. and i can bring india into it and also the shakers. and that should tide me over#but i hate my own writing so much i cant make myself not sound capricious in my essays and i get hung up on technicalities all the time#and then inevitably do stupid wordplay and get all coy with it. i just need to be genuine about it and write about this thing and that's it#and i need to email boldizsár. sorry boldizsár i have all sorts of things i hope you're not tired of me#but also i have tons of ideas but when i start to think whether they could work the answer is always no#ill try to write a thesis proposal in the next few days and see where that gets me and if i can write it (1200 words) i can probably write#a thesis. and then ill have committed and i wont be in 153563 minds about this and i can close all my tabs in my browser and ill know joy#once again#asks#thank you so much for this ask this is such a good technique!!!#ref
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I should just clean my room and take bath or something
#that would help me feel better im sure i think#and maybe eat but i dont want to eat rn#snack time#uhh but i hate all the snacks there are#even the snacks in this house arent for me wow#and she knows i hate them too lol#and then she gets mad when i say theres nothing and says well you shouldve got some!! WITH WHAT MONEY. BRO OH MY GOD SHE MAKES ME WANNA PULL#all my teeth out i cannotytttttt#and its not like we go out she uses that stupid app and then cries about it costing more on the fucking apo like yeah no duh#i like going out too so idk why she blames me for this kind of thing#ohhhh we never go outttt. well yeah. i have no money for transportation or food. tf u want me to do#i dont even have a map. you wont recharge my goddamn phone#then you cry about wishing there was a man in this house like ok. maybe you should just help me out a little most of this shit i could do#what is your problem!!! die. well this is all discounting the fact of my social anxiety and language problem but like. i can push through#you make me do that all the time anyway so#whatever#i dont know anymore this just pisses me off#i wish i could burn this whole house down#or blow up this entire country yeah
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trying to start working on my ap art summer work (put it off all summer and now theres. 10 days left until school starts apperently) i hateeeee how vague everything is ugh
#i forgot how much of a nightmare this teacher is to work with she just. never specifies enough and it drives me insane#<- ive had her multiple years now idk why she even let me take the ap class considering when i had her freshman year i literally didnt do a#single assignment for that class but i wont complain i guess lol#though tbh.. im not really sure why im even taking it i mean my friend said i should#but idk#man i dont know what to do though like#i brought this upon myself but still. why does this all have to be so vague#also i need like a themeing… i dont know man!!!!!!!!!!!!! im the most indecisive person on the planet and i never plan out pieces most of#the time. i just get rhe urge to Draw Character In Void and figure it out from there#if i start to working on a sketch… im just gonna keep working on it until i finish????#i wish i could do animation or smth. for my pieces i feel like that would backfire on me but like#itd work better within the structure she wants us to follow i think……… then again all i animate is jsut#stupid little loops or like. dumb stuff set to songs or goofy audios#idfk#inquisitivewaltz.txt#also also i have no idea if im allowed to do my summer work digitally#but im doing it that way anyways cuz it gives me more options (and i feel liek ill figure out smthn i like the look of more easily than#traditional since im just not the greatest with that..#plus i dont have any empty sketchbooks to dedicate to this class and i cant just buy one now yknow
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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ok last personal rant ive ranted a million times before. last of the night not of ever.
when i say "oh this isnt gonna happen" im not being negative brother im making a neutral statement hello??? i dont need a Be Positive spiel its unnecessary man IM GOOD. RELAX.
#i said oh i dont expect ill get an interview for the jobs i applied for this round so its fine#and my folks are instantly down my throat like omg don't say that dont even think it!! youll totally get it!!!!#guys its fine...this is nawt a big deal lol#and then im saying like oh i want to do all the parks ive wanted to see since i was a kid now even if it's impractical#bc im not coming back to northam#and theyre like no omg dont say that you can you will!!!#girl no im saying i will be spending my money (in 5 years when i have earnt any again) on other things#i have other things i want to do and see thats what i mean. relax. i don't need your positive spin!! my god!#my ma is very reasonably and logically telling me maybe i should skip nyc bc its fuckoff expensive#and i can use that money for shipping my shit back or whatever else i need#which is true! shes right!!#but i wont have the chance to come back for a while probably if ever yknow and i just want to go#i dont care. i know its stupid as FUCK trust me i know. but i love that city and i want to make the absolutely idiotic decision to go. sorry
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its actually something i think about often which is sad. nobody sees this vision more than i do. or at all actually
#.text#in the process of writing my second not first sorey mikleo fucked up will they wont they scenario#though this time im rewriting the scene where he tells mikleo hes going to sleep forever because i found it. lacking ?#it is very in character for sorey to know full well hes not coming back. and its also very in character for mikleo to know#hes not coming back. because this is sorey and mikleo we are talking about. but i wish they had talked about it more#it was really just sorey going this is my goodbye ! and mikleo is like well okay :(#i do like a lot how its completely unsaid by the rest of the party though -- they know. it is going to happen whether#they want it to or not. this is how it must be.#but ALSO. edna shouldve thrown a hissy fit.#lailah shouldve gotten sad and zaveid shouldve called him stupid and rose shouldve. well she wouldnt have done anything actuallt#sorey knows he can depend on her after hes gone. and she refuses to think about never seeing sorey again bc if she does itll break her#and she is not about that business#i love sorey and rose so much oh my god. they are literally so special#the best friends of all time and forever#what was i talking about again#idk. i have to go eat bye
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before taking my road test i did genuinely think everyone who said some of them will try to trip you up or be overly harsh were just sorta stretching the truth, but after how stupid my test was i understand.
i ended up autofailing bcz it was a two lane (same direction) parking lot where there were signs and cones saying one side was for the road test & one was for regular vechicles EXCEPT FOR ONE VERY SMALL AREA ONLY AT THE BEGINNING. but then she proceeded to make me continue on and do a parallel park, making me assume i didnt do anything wrong, and then have me circle back to the beginning and THEN fail me.
not only that, but she.. lied? about me not using my blinker when either going in or leaving the park????? which i straight up did do????? 🥲
#i think id have been less devastated by the fail if the just immediately told me to turn back around bcz i failed at the bad signage#i genuinely think that if anyone else saw that signage theyd be confused too. in fact im pretty sure my instructor didnt even know#bcz we needed to turn right but instead of going over to that tiny area that clips into the road test section#we went the long way around so we didnt go in that lane#the lesson i went to before my test was two hours and heavily inconvenient for my sponsor so to go through all of that and autofail..#odds are w her id have failed anyway. i genuinely dont see why she lied about the blinkers but AT LEAST if i went through the whole test &#failed it wouldve hurt but at least i could walk away knowing it wasnt as stupid as it was#now i have to renew my id bcz i wont have a license. and renew my permit. and pay $200+ for another test bcz i dont have#a car that can be used for the regular rmv. and now im paying rent for a place i cant even go to yet bcz the next rmv appt is in MID MAY#(the rent thing is normal and i did plan for it. but if you havent experienced rmvs 'post' covid.. you dont even do the test there.#you 'check in' and leave to do it at your house.)#i may try to beg my ride that i now 100% need to drive me to a further out one but. sighs. who knows#i ❤️ lifeeee#diary#sorry this is so long lol. im not as inconsolable as yesterday but now im just annoyed#i also wish to stress that while i love my car i fucking hate driving#my reward for getting my license is high car insurance and paying a ton for gas? YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!#AUUGGHHHHHHHHH 🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣
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i actually cant take this shit anymore 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁
#i cant wait to relapse tmrw ‼‼‼#self harm#mfw i send her worried messages bc she hasnt been online or responding to my dms only to find out he was okay and posting elsewhere about#how much he loves talking with her friends literallt 30 minutes ago said goodnight there wnd completely ignored me 😁😁#i hope i fucking die#my mom wont leave me the fuck alone either can you just like respect my want to be left alone. For Once#thank you for your unsolicited forced advice that doesnt even apply because you are assuming whats wrong against my expressing i want space#that made it all better!!!! so helpful 😁😁not just fucking annoying and frustrating and makes me feel like shit and i dont matter#and that you think im fucking stupid. thank you. 👍
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