#(red handed have 300 episodes and i started a full time job that takes a while)

[givemethedamnflowers]

I'D MISSED THE INFO THAT THE MAGNUS PROTOCOL WOULD BE RELEASED IN JANUARY ?????? IMDYING I CANT WAIT

[revisitingstoneybrook]

#6 Kristy’s Big Day: Chapter 5

It’s Emergency Meeting time!

The next day is an OMGEMERGENCYMEETING of the BSC. And going by how the next chapter takes place on the following day (a Sunday), that means Kristy got the news about all the kids on Friday afternoon. So...did she keep it all a surprise during the Friday BSC meeting, and call an emergency meeting for the hell of it? Claudia's bummed there's a meeting on the first day of summer vacation (of course she would be) and everyone's curious as to what Kristy's going to spring on them.

Kristy mentions the wedding guest list is going to be huge, both families are inviting a ton of guests and Kristy and her siblings are allowed to invite friends. So guess who's on Kristy's guest list! The BSC and all their families! Hey Charlie...that means Janine's coming. Maybe you two can sneak off for a quickie before they cut the cake. And here again I must interject...if Elizabeth is freaking out that she has two weeks to plan a wedding, why is she inviting so many people? The BSC always makes everything so damn difficult.

Kristy tells them 14 kids will be arriving in Stoneybrook by Monday and the parents need someone to watch them. Her great idea of the BSC sacrificing a week of summer vacation to babysit all day is met with shock and awe. And then Kristy gives them the kicker...they'll be making $120 each for the week! 

*stunned silence from the BSC*

Kristy waits for someone to fall off the bed (oh nice. Stacey and Claudia? Didn't know you felt that way about them) or react like Oprah's audience when she tells them she's doing her Favorite Things episode. She says that's $600 altogether and surprisingly didn't ask Stacey the Math Genius to add that up for her. 

Claudia finally finds her voice and equates the money to her one personality trait, having the IQ of a teddy bear her passion for junk food. She can buy 120 bags of peppermints with that! That's a year's supply! Everyone laughs and throws out suggestions for Claudia: 300 packages of Twinkies! 1,200 jawbreakers! 400 packs of gum! My question is...where does candy come this cheap and please point me in its direction. Oh, and Mary Anne says 60 cartons of ice cream, and Claudia says that's the one thing she can't hide in her room. Please, you know she would try sticking it on her windowsill with the window open, thinking the breeze blowing by would be enough to keep it frozen.

Mary Anne's still hesitant, despite Kristy assuring her if they split the kids up, they're only going to be responsible for 2 or 3 each. “But fourteen at once!” Did she say you're going to be the only one taking care of all of them? Shut up, Mary Anne. A reminder from Claudia about how they're going to be making bank quiets her down. Kristy does a final vote on it and thankfully, doesn't call for a motion to be made and seconded...she hasn't gone into full dictator mode yet. Everyone says yes right away, except Mary Anne, who hesitates, then says yes, like the good pushover that she is.

A quick check of the record book shows Kristy has a sitting job for the Newtons (go figure), Mary Anne's got one with the Prezziosos (we're spared the “EW EW EW EW!!!!!!”s from the others) and Stacey's watching Charlotte. Mary Anne's off the hook because her job's an evening one but Kristy says they're going to have to call up and cancel the other two. Oh hell no. Mrs. Newton will not stand for this! We're talking about the woman who can't go to the mailbox without calling the BSC.

But wait! Before they call the clients up, Kristy has another Idea and says the kids can come over to her place. Mrs. Newton, overjoyed that she can still go to the grocery store in peace, is totally cool with it because she wants Jamie to get used to being around other kids, since he's starting preschool in the fall. And will be stuck there for the rest of the BSC series!

And what a coincidence - Dr. Johanssen was just about to call up and cancel because her schedule got changed. Whew. Does anyone else have anything to cancel? Unimportant things like dentist appointments or art classes that members are paying for and should always cancel because BABYSITTING ALWAYS COMES FIRST?!? No? Good.

Mary Anne takes notes as Kristy gives them the rundown on all the kids. There's the Millers - Ashley (9), Berk (6), Grace (5), and Peter (3). Mary Anne asks if Berk's a boy or girl. So I'm not the only one confused by that name. Is it short for something like Berkeley? Then there's the Meiners - Luke (10), Emma (8), and Beth (1). 10 may sound old, but remember the Pike Triplet Corollary: Age of 10 = Age of 6, Unless You're Mallory Pike.

Kristy calls the mansion to check about the Fieldings and Karen answers and excitedly talks about the new Mary Janes she got to wear in the wedding. Before Kristy can say anything, Karen launches into the other big news: Ben Brewer knocked over a vase! Kristy stays quiet and listens to Karen yammer away about goddamn Ben Brewer for awhile instead of saying, “Ok, I've heard this story a million times. Put your fucking father on!” Kristy finally gets Watson the Millionaire on the phone and gets the ages of his friend's kids - Katherine (5), Patrick (3), Maura (2), and Tony (8 months).

Anyway, they add Karen, Andrew and David Michael into the group, sort them by age, then divide them into five smaller groups. The group with the babies only has two, since they figure whoever gets the babies will have their hands full with diapers and everything. Mary Anne says she wants the baby group. Stacey shoots her hand up to claim the group with the oldest kids - uh Stacey, just because they're the oldest doesn't mean you don't have to watch them. Claudia gets the toddlers and Kristy gives herself Andrew's group, since he's more comfortable around her. And Dawn's the unlucky one who gets Karen's group.

Then Mary Anne gets a Great Idea (beat you to the punch, Kristy!) and we're spared the “Wow, I wish I thought of that!” line from Kristy that she usually has. She suggests they make nametags for the kids and color code them to keep everything organized. So now here's the groups:

Stacey - Red stars. How appropriate, that's Macy's logo! Dawn - Bluebirds. Cage-free bluebirds, who fly through undisturbed, pollution-free forests. Kristy - Yellow suns. What, no iron-colored fist shapes? Claudia - Green dinosaurs. She thinks they're green giraffes. Mary Anne - Pink hearts. Should have been blue teardrops but that color was taken.

They take a break,and Claudia pulls some more junk food out of different hiding places. Since Princess Dawn won't eat Ring Dings or Life Savers, Claudia goes downstairs to get some fruit and crackers for her and Stacey. She returns with Mimi, who has a tray of sodas for the girls. They tell her what they're doing, and she offers to help out if things get too crazy. Because she's Mimi and she's awesome. After she leaves, the girls plan some activities to do with the kids on Monday. Setting the stage for every single BSC play group/day camp/kiddie activity to follow.

[jazminebryant]

Where I Begin (Again)

The first time I was introduced to real estate investing was, like with most people, on HGTV watching real estate investors breaking down walls and pretending they didn't know about the wall issue that causes such a panic during the episode (I know enough now that if you did a proper inspection before closing on the property, half of the dramatic issues that we see on TV would have never come up during the rehab process). It was entertaining watching them solve their issues with the property and seeing that with a little hard work, you can make $35,000 in a few weeks.

I never thought to act on it doing it myself. I was in high school and only watched because my mom refused to watch anything I liked so I sat, I watched, and I observed. I wanted to be making that kind of money myself but I couldn't imagine or even fathom how to come up with that amount of money to buy a property, and let's not talk about the fact that I didn't know (and still don't know) the first thing about construction. Fast forward to May 2019, I've moved, I'm in college full-time, and I still watched HGTV shows on Netflix religiously. I'm in my car doing food delivery for GrubHub and I hear a commercial come on the radio (my tape that I used for an aux cord was stuck and wouldn't play my music so I listened to the radio) inviting me to come out and spend a few hours learning about real estate investing and how I could get started earning the big bucks. For an online college student with $55,000 in debt using a beat-up 2002 Honda Civic that was ready to break down any minute for GrubHub as their primary source of income, I could use some of those big bucks there were advertising about.

I was at a red light and I typed the website link into my phone's notes pad (not so legal, I know, but I was borderline desperate) and finished my shift. When I got home, I registered my boyfriend and myself up for the seminar at the end of the next week. I was excited and didn't know what to expect other than to be making $35,000 in a few weeks after learning what I needed to know.

Before the seminar was over, I got sucked up into the pitch of attending a three-day seminar for $200. My boyfriend who's not easily persuaded was also hooked and ready to learn all that we could about real estate investing. I was so moved, I bought an additional course on a specific kind of investing (tax liens). I knew that I was going to take all of the material we got from the seminar, study it, and be ready for the next course.

Well, after attending the first seminar, I got impatient and researched what I would learn at this three-day course. I found blog after blog about how this company was going to pitch to me a $50,000 course. Remember I said I had $55,000 in debt? I was devastated, especially because I had spent money I didn't have for this seminar. I kept researching the upcoming seminar and I found a few people say although they didn't pay for the additional courses, they still learned a lot.

We decided that after some research into real estate on YouTube and discovering BiggerPockets, we didn't need a $50,000 course, I'm a business student and he has two business degrees; we know how to research for information. I said that I'd take some of the most detailed notes I'd ever take and use that to build upon our knowledge and that's exactly what I did. I have sold 25-pages worth of handwritten notes from that three-day seminar. The presenter even joked about how I had so many notes. I didn't care. I'd rather have hand cramps then come out of pocket for $50,000 which I more than likely wouldn't have been able to attain anyways; my credit was in the trash (still is to this day) because of my high credit utilization and lack of paying my bills on time. I wanted my $200 worth of material.

While some spent $50,000 for a business-in-a-box, I spent the entire summer learning all that I could, speaking with real estate agents and title companies. I went hardcore on my real estate investing business and had some solid momentum. I went as far as sending out 150 letters and placing 300 calls. Of that, we scheduled one property tour. My boyfriend and I lost some steam, we knew that we shouldn't get our hopes up thinking we would strike it rich the first go-around but we quickly ran out of money and time by October (we officially started our business in August 2019).

By the end of November, I stopped sending out letters, they were too expensive for me to continue on a freelancer's wage and I stopped driving for dollars. I honestly got tired of the word 'no' even though I was told by multiple people to not give up, no matter how many 'no's I get. The business was all of a sudden draining on me and I stopped paying attention to our business. I had a lot going on at the time and it was taking up a lot of my time to where I didn't have time for anything else, my schoolwork included.

I haven't spoken about real estate until last week (other than the few times my awesome real estate agent friend, Patrick, would call to check on us and our progress). 6 months of nothing about real estate. 6 months of forgotten terms and concepts. It makes me sad that something I was so passionate about and couldn't shut up about a year ago (that three-day seminar started May 17, 2019) was forgotten. After a year of freelancing and doing odd jobs to make a living, I recently started working full-time again because I realized I lacked the discipline I needed to be a successful freelancer and got really behind on my bills. Now that I have been working full-time for the past three months, I've started to climb out of the hole I had only dug deeper for myself over the past year and I am working at paying off my credit cards, at the very least, to free up some cash I can use for our business(es).

This week has been very eye-opening to me on what I've been missing that truly makes me happy, real estate and wealth generation. I recently finished a book by Gary Vaynerchuk (Gary Vee), Crush It! Why Now is the TIme to Cash in on Your Passion, and I don't know exactly where in the book where it clicked to me that I needed to get back to the things that I have been passionate about. I finished that book four days ago and I've recently started reading, The Book on Investing in Real Estate with No and Low Money Down by Brandon Turner. A lot of the terms of real estate are coming back to me (for the life of me, I couldn't remember what a HELOC was until earlier today) and I've been working on our business plan for the past week.

I don't know what it is about this time around, but I've got a better feeling that things will turn out for the better for us. Gary Vee gave me the confidence I needed to ask my job if I could go part-time (doesn't make any sense for me to quit my job any time soon like I did the last time - well, I got laid off but that's another story) so I can focus on finishing my degree (two more classes!!) and work on my business(es). I was shocked to know that my request to switch to part-time had been approved - thanks Gary Vee!! So now, I'll be able to add some flexibility back in my week to work on our investing business and another business my boyfriend and I run together and still be able to freelance to come up with the missing wages from not working full-time.

I still am feeling very overwhelmed just like I did in the beginning of my real estate journey, but now that I know a few things, I feel a little better. My business plan hasn't been worked on so much in the past couple of days but only because I've been doing so much reading lately, see why I need more flexibility? I plan on finishing this investing book and then I have a lot more to read down the line. I'm just glad I'm in a whole lot better of a situation than I was a year ago. I have the income to pay my bills, anything extra will be for paying off debt faster and funding our business. I understand marketing from the real estate investors' perspective a lot better so I know which marketing strategies I'll try first this time around that won't cost a lot out of pocket and I've learned it's okay to slow down and ingest the material instead of my usual read and apply methodology.

I know I won't be making $35,000 a week, a month, or maybe even six months from now, but I am a lot more confident in my ability to actually reach that figure and then some.   As of right now, I've got goals written down and I'm figuring out my business plan. I've done business plans for products and small services but nothing like real estate so it's brand new to me for some parts. As I work through this all over again, I read over the goals I set for myself a year ago, and if I was as ambitious as I thought I would be, I'd have half of my debt paid off by now. But I've learned it's okay to get knocked down, I knocked myself down but I've learned a lot about investing since then and I know it can only get better from here. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading! I do have a question for you. Do you use a planner? If so, what brand of planner do you use? I am in search of one that is entrepreneur-friendly and has the space for a lot of notes. Obviously, I have a lot going on so I need something that has some multipurpose to it.

If you're like me, new and inexperienced, I'd love to connect and offer each other support. If you have some advice or tips from me, I'd love to connect and pick your brain over your successes and challenges.

[dxmedstudent]

Weird Asks that Say a Lot  Meme...

My friend the wonderful @meanwhileonwednesday suggested I fill out Every even number for the 'weird asks that say a lot', so here I am. Thanks, friend! XD

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolates.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

At my first school? Artistically talented and perceptive (one teacher was very vividly impressed by my grasp of duck anatomy at like 5 years old). Then there’s the teacher at my new school who thought I had special needs because I was withdrawn (I was being bullied by most of the class, really); she was a new teacher and not really equipped to deal with that. By the end of primary school, I went back to being commended on my work ethic and smarts and artistic ability.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Hmmm I think my work clothes are mostly a formal/preppy mix. With a little bit of boho thrown in, particularly when I’m at home.

8. movies or tv shows?

I prefer movies, because they represent a lot less commitment (America, please stop giving everything like 17 seasons, I beg of you!), however TV show episodes are shorter and easier to slot into your life than a full movie.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

I was generally awful in PE. I liked benchball, can’t say that I was good in it, being yet another game where being short doesn’t do you any favours.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Either my Kickass playlist, or my Reflective playlist.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Starburst.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Curled up, on my side, in a nice big armchair with my legs hanging off the side. Surrounded by pillows, and probably a cat or two.

18. ideal weather?

Picture this: it’s a sunny day; warm but not too hot. Maybe around 24 degrees celsius. There’s a warm breeze; it’s not stifling, and it’s not cold enough to make you shiver. The trees rustle with the sound of the wind; change is in the air. You can go out in short sleeves, perhaps with the thinnest of cardigans if like me your metabolism basically died 300 years ago.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Depends on what I’m writing. I am the kind of ineffectual person who starts to write tings in a notebook, but also a couple of word docs. I have post- it notes for important things. I document ideas for my comic in a note/sketch book. I love doodling in my sketchbooks.

22. role model?

I never really had one, growing up. I guess the closest I’d get is David Attenborough.

24. favorite crystal?

My birthstone is ruby (which is red; my favourite colour!) however I also love opals; I love their irdescent (OK, opalescent, technically) sparkliness and the way they shimmer with lots of colours. I don’t see why everyone prefers massive diamonds when opals are like... so much cooler. I I don’t actually own any, but maybe one day I’ll be able to buy myself a nice one.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Go for a nice long walk, take lots of pictures, have a picnic in the park. No, I lie, my favourite activity is roping someone I care about into doing it all with me, and having even more fun. 

28. five songs to describe you?

Home - Ellie Goulding Fight Song - Rachel Platten Working Woman’s Blues - Valerie June Alive - Bird Set Free My Medea - Vienna Teng

30. places that you find sacred?

Already been answered.

32. top five favorite vines?

Alas, hard to name off the top of my head. I mainly know vines from various compilations.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Right now? Thankfully none of them.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

That’s impossible to say! Memes were a thing before internet memes became a thing. I’d say that ‘S’ shape we all drew in primary school? Nursery rhymes? Who knows.

38. lemonade or tea?

They don’t usually compete for my love, but i have tea more often than lemonade, purely due to availability reasons.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Some students climbed onto the roof.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Honestly? Skirt pockets. But being a woman, jacket pockets are usually woefully ineffectual and small. Trouser pockets are a bit better, but again usually small. Whereas if someone puts pockets on a skirt, they make sure they are actually proper pockets!

44. favorite scent for soap?

Maybe honey, or roses, or jasmine.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

A baggy pair of PJs; I’m a dress for comfort kind of girl. Particularly since the places I’ve lived haven’t always been great in the heating department. I’ve been known to sleep in a hoodie when it gets cold.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

I would like to be a berry, or maybe an apple. Something pinkish red. Sweet, and a little sharp.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Probably my little brother astounding me with how grown-up he is about things. He’s pretty awesome. Or my mum just saying something wildly, hilariously inappropriate XD

52. favorite font?

I love the Komika font family for my comic. I used to use Bookman Old Style, Book Antiqa, Georgia or classic Arial for essays and things like that, when they didn’t specify Times New Roman.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Always call the med reg if you are stuck, be nice to the nurses and always help each other. OK, I did lots of volunteering in hospital before FY1. In which case my

56. favorite tradition?

My family/culture have a specific tradition on the morning of an exam/interview/life event where you fill a cup with water and a couple of plant leaves (Slavs love putting greenery into everything). You place it at the threshold,  and give it a good kick it with your dominant foot. It symbolises your knowledge flowing, and I guess it’s a good luck charm.. You also aren’t meant to look back (literally); because you should be focusing on the task at hand. As a kid it was a comforting good luck ritual, and I don’t think I ever really grew out of it.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

I’m proud of my artistic skills, modest though they are. I enjoy creating, and I enjoy that I can make things to cheer up my friends, or things that people here can relate to.

By extension, I’m good with my hands, and that usually translates to picking up procedures and things like that pretty quickly at work. And yes, I love being able to get that cannula in (especially if it’s on the first go!)  when nobody else can. It’s a tiny, tiny thing, but it sparks a little joy. I can develop good rapports with people; which means I can help them to confide their problems, and can help them to feel better or to address things that are bothering them. It’s really mostly about listening and not being judgemental. I am proud that I can sometimes make people feel better, and feel listened to. I’m proud that I learned to try to work through my feelings. As a young person who was really quite stressed, I somehow learned how to apply what’s basically CBT to keep myself relatively sane, and I think it’s helped me a lot. It was only much later that I realised it was basically CBT when I was comparing notes with friends actually going through those kinds of therapies. I’m not perfect at it, and my mind tests me on a regular basis, but it helps.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

I don’t know what I’d like to be in? Maybe a Ghibli film. I think I’d like that.  When I was at school, a close friend of mine just turned around and said “OMG, you’re just like an anime character”, to fervent agreement from my peers. I guess they meant one of those chirpy, ditzy shojo anime characters. I can still see myself as some shojo series heroine; frantically trying to keep it together under the pressures of magical girldom, being romantically inept, trying to fight off the baddie of the week whilst learning lessons about getting along with each other, being helpful and not being mean.

62. seven characters you relate to?

Right now? Sophie from Howl’s moving castle, Princess Carolyn from Bojack Horseman, Miranda Otto from D. Gray-Man, Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility, The Red Blood Cell from Cells at Work, Kiki from Kiki’s delivery service, and Aggressive Retsuko.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

I used to love looking at other people’s art on Elfwood or Deviantart.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Today I’m feeling the answer is lilacs.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Ugh anything bitter.

70. left or right handed?

I’m ridiculously right handed, but I’ve learned to use my left hand more effectively because of procedures etc. I’m really good with my hands, but my right hand takes over like 80% of the work.

72. worst subject?

PE in school, biochemistry at university.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

At home, maybe a 3, because I don’t see the point in suffering needlessly. However at work I’ll do whatever it takes to keep functional including taking pain relief before it gets bad because I don’t want to have to deal with pain and an on-call. I’m not sure if the scale is logarithmic? I’d rate the worst pain that I’ve had 5 ot a 6, and that made me vomit and curl up into a ball and basically unable to do anything. But I can imagine pain that’s much, much worse than that was, so perhaps I just can’t thin

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

This kind of new potato salad my mum makes with onions. Raw onions are totally a trigger food for my IBS, and any time my mum feeds me anything full of onions, she’ll tell me I can take them out if they upset my tummy. And every single time I’ll pile even more onions into my plate because there’s no way I’m letting my gut dictate my life. Turns out, I’m even more stubborn than my IBS; I just don’t want to give up some of the foods that set things off. My GP once recommended a FODMAP diet, and having had a look at all the stuff I’d have to cut, I resolved I’d only start cutting things if my symptoms got really bad.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Honestly, I have no pretentions to snobbery. The best coffee is the one you get when you are about to collapse on a night shift, even if much, much better coffee exists in the world. And the best sushi is the plain supermarket one you get between on-calls to treat yourself, even if the one from a good restaurat is so much nicer.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

I wear a lot of jewel tones, but I also wear a lot of earth tones, and I don’t really see them as being in competition. Rock all the colours!

82. pc or console?

Phone. XD I don’t play much on either, mainly due to time. Phone has the benefit of being in my pocket when I’m at a loose end on the bus, or at my parents’. I don’t sit down and make time to play, I play games in the stolen minutes here and there when I don’t have much to do.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Classical music radio in the office (because it’s the most neutral), retro stations in the car (or whatever your guests would like), and podcasts at home when you are by yourself.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

I didn’t have a real Barbie (fairly sure ours were knockoff dolls) but I do have fond memories of making outfits for our toys. Though our favourites were always various little animal models who got into all sorts of adventures.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies, but it’s a close call. Really, I’d have to say biscuits, since I eat those more often than either of the above.

88. your greatest wish?

For myself? To be happy. For others? Ditto. 

90. luckiest mistake?

Getting into my first degree. Feels like I fell into it, but it set me off on a great path, and I don’t regret that my initial path was far from straightforward.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

All of the above.

94. favorite season?

That kind of Spring-Summer interface when all the plants are in bloom, and the weather is warm but not too hot, and the days are long.

96. desktop background?

Arietty’s bedroom from the Ghibli Borrowers film adaptation. I’m a sucker for ghibli aesthetic; usually because my rooms end up similarly haphazardly adorned with cool things. 

98. favorite historical era?

Every era has its own awesomeness. I feel very fondly for the regency period because of all the books I’ve read set in it, likewise the Victorian period. Though both aren’t without their problems. I realised that I style my hair like a Victorian; centrally parted with a neat, low bun at the nape of the neck. XD

I think that might be all the questions! Phew!

[delightfulpetals]

Even though I’ve been battling this monster since I was fifteen, I’ve never been able to speak to a wider audience. But this year I wanted to say something and I couldn’t find the words during National Eating Disorder week. This year has been the most violent and beautiful battle I’ve ever had with myself on mental, physical, and spiritual levels. So while this has been a part of me for a long time I’ve never been able to openly admit that I have an eating disorder. But I do. I have an eating disorder. My closest friends know. Mostly because they’ve been there to keep me afloat. To make me my favorite meal because they thought there was a better chance of me eating it. To remind me that my heart is the most beautiful thing about me. And to sit me down when it was time to make a decision: go to inpatient or pull myself out of this hole. I should back up a bit though.

I’ve had three major episodes in my life: ages 15, 18, and 23. The first started when I was in the locker room after P.E. and I overheard two girls whispering about how I was a “fat dyke.” (Also friendly reminder, I’m bisexual and have been openly out since 7th grade, but that’s not what this post is about). At that point I was pretty slender and short. I spent summers highly physically active doing theatre and aerial acrobatics. I was also active on stage doing performances and taking dance classes. But still at 15 years old I was terrified of that word: fat. Because fat meant ugly. And ugly meant no one was going to love me. And if no one was going to love me then I was going to spend my entire life alone. So I stopped eating. Well aside from meals that were witnessed at home I never really ate. Or I was throwing it up right after. Or obsessively working out to compensate. I wanted to look beautiful on my sweet 16 so later down the line I could look and think about how thin and beautiful I was. But honestly, I hate looking at those photos now. I can’t remember just how much fun that night was anymore. I just look and I see a sad, empty girl with sunken eyes filled with insecurity. There’s one photo where I can remember exactly what I was thinking as it was snapped, “Do I look fat?” I was 16 at the first peak of my eating disorder.

Fast foreword. I was a heading into my sophomore year and decided I wanted to join a sorority. But how was I going to do that? I had zero self confidence, spent nearly 100% of my time with the guy I was dating, and worst of all: I had gained about 25 pounds my freshman year. I was terrified. So I gradually started cutting more and more out of my diet. Soda. Fast food. Carbs. And then I found my new love: calorie counting. I counted what was in everything. I couldn’t eat past a certain number of calories. Eventually I was consuming no more then 600 calories a day and working out for two hours in the middle of the night fueled by Red Bull. This didn’t stop after rush tho. To keep the weight off I lived off of coffee and any bottle of dieting pills I could get my hands on. It continued until the summer going into my junior year. I got so good at hiding how much I was struggling. Because “I wasn’t sick, I was just getting rid of bad eating habits.”

The last big relapse I had started in February 2017. I had gotten an amazing opportunity to portray a boy on stage. A role always written for a boy, but they chose me! A girl! I never thought I’d get to play a male role that I wanted. But the one thing I kept wondering was how on earth was this curvy woman supposed to play a little boy? So I tried to straighten out some of my curves by once again cutting out fast food and other sugar drinks. Focusing on water and getting in my fruits and veggies. It wasn’t a big deal at first. But then he calorie counting started again. I ain’t only fruits, vegetables, and chicken breast. If I ate anything other than that I cried about it and felt like a failure. I worked out every day on top of being in a physically demanding show. I didn’t realize I had opened up a door I couldn’t close until it was too late. The picture on the left is from March 2017 exactly two years ago where I hit my lowest weight in years. Out the outside to most people I looked happy. But that was because I was skinny. I was happy being skinny. Instead of hanging out with my friends at a party, I spent multiple trips to the bathroom analyzing my body and praying there was a scale to make sure I hadn’t gained weight. But that face in the photo on the left was self hatred. Disappointment. That was still wishing my right hip was smoother and that there was less fat in my armpit. That was sadness.

It’s 2019. I go to therapy nearly every week. I eat healthy, but I also eat what I want for the most part. I go to the gym because I have a physically demanding job. I work hard because I want to treat my body the same way I would treat my best friend. I want to be healthy and life a long full life where I get to enjoy every moment and not worry about my weight. I’m no longer consumed with, “How many calories are in that?” Or, “I’m going to look so ugly if I keep eating this way.” I just want to enjoy living.

I took the photo on the right this morning. I can honestly say this is the happiest and healthiest (mentally AND physically) I have ever been. But the disordered thoughts never go away. That little voice that tries so hard to tell me I’m ugly or that I should go do 300 crunches for what I just ate. Oh yeah she’s there. Some moments she wins. But I continue to fight back with her because I might not be skinner, but I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I’ve ever been.

[surveyhoursss]

146.

Your name is Jordan

You were born in April

You're 19

Gaming is a huge part of your life

You have more than one gaming tattoo

You have a tattoo of your animal's paw print

You drive a Lincoln

Sports cars > supercars

You love 90's cars

You're planning on getting a Subaru Impreza next

You do cosplay

You have 11 piercings

You have endometriosis

You graduated in 2015

You were named after Michael Jordan

You want to get into the Youtube world soon

You have almost 10k followers on Instagram

You went to cosmetology/beauty school

You did not pursue cosmetology as a career

You're into graphic design

You own a screenprinting business

You sell products on Etsy

You've been in a relationship for over a year

You've been mentally abused by a past relationship

You own a gaming laptop because you like mobility

Your all time favorite game is Sly Cooper

You have 50+ gaming consoles

You have 500+ video games

You joined the Harley Quinn bandwagon this year

You like to collect pink things

You don't travel a lot (wish I did more)

You live in Michigan

You're trying to gain weight

You were bullied for most of your school years for having acne

You have a pet that means a lot to you

You've been in long distance relationship

You've had your belly button pierced since you were 14

Your favorite drink is chocolate milk

Your eyes are grey (grey, green, i have no clue lol)

Your favorite movie is Pulp Fiction

You own every Tarantino film on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray

You've become more confident with your body lately

You used to hate Victoria's Secret but now you love it

You love to play board games

You like to host game nights with prizes

You wear extensions

You have a promise ring

You have trouble growing/strengthening your hair

You try to be organized but fail most of the time

You used to work two jobs and 7 days a week

You shop at thrift stores

You rarely ever buy clothes at full price

You've seen 15+ bands live

Your favorite was Foo Fighters

You enjoy all music

You're trying to change your style of clothes / hair

You love to sing even though you're not good at it

You get emotional easily

You're the oldest child

You didn't go to college

Your boss is your role model

You usually sleep 9 hours a day

You take a lot of naps

You have social anxiety

You have trouble speaking

You love winter

You're very generous

You don't really get the generosity from others back to you

You don't like water

Your favorite pizza is Buffalo Chicken

You weighed 95-100 lbs until you were 18 (i've been anywhere from 80-140 lbs lmao)

You recently gained about 20 lbs (refeeding ;w;)

You're 5'1

You did cosplay of a Pokemon

You like glitter

You like space buns

You complain a lot

You hit puberty in 3rd grade

You've always had iPhones

Your computer or laptop cost over $1,000

Your town has a population of around 3,000

You like horror games but are deathly afraid of them

You have a natural tan

You don't have any freckles but wish you did

You go to garage sales often

You've gotten an I.V before

You've lost part of your eyesight temporarily due to a migraine

You've had extremely bad panic attacks in the past

You get 'triggered' very easily

You have grey eyes

You hate doing laundry

You don't mind other house chores

Your S/O is over a foot taller than you.

You write poetry, mostly about the stars / space

You used to write short stories

You own every single Sims game

You've bought all the Sims 4 add ons even though you hate it lol

You used to write stories with the Sims 2

You were dedicated to a forum around the age of 9

It was a 4kids forum haha!

You used to make short films

You hate texting

You learned HTML when you were 10

You wanted to go to school for Computer Science for a long time

You used to play Call Of Duty competitively

You have a lot of online friends

You've never been on a plane

You've never been zip lining but might soon

You enjoy camping

You own a quad / 4 wheeler

You've always dated boys older than you

Your boyfriend is 6 years older than you

You love to drive long distances

You enjoy going to car shows

You're voting for Gary Johnson

You have self-harmed before

You take short showers

You love wearing dresses

You wear cat ears a lot

You like taking photo-shoots of yourself

You have A.D.D

You take Vitamin D supplements for depression

You've kissed more boys than you can count on your hands

You've never been drunk

You play Pokemon GO

You never eat popcorn at movie theaters

You still use 720p screens

Your first console was a PS1

You really want the Playstation VR

You've funded a game before

You're unsure if you will be able to have kids or not

You've had mono before

you enjoy being creative

You used to make perler sprites

You've paid for art of yourself before

You've accidentally cooked something in the microwave that didn't belong in there.

You've made friends from a video game

You used to use Piczo

You don't like modern/futurustic FPS

You don't like RPG's

You've NEVER seen the Notebook

You own a Ouija board

You took online classes in school

You failed gym class

Your favorite Pokemon is Cubone

You're an Aries

You're pro-choice

You got a dry socket after getting your wisdom teeth removed

It was the worst pain you've ever been in

You've written down every dream you could remember for the past 2 years

You're an introvert

You don't really like to be touched

Your voice is high pitched

You hate shaving

You bite your nails

You have tiny ears

Your natural hair is a few inches past shoulder length

You have huge scars on your knees

You have a deep scar by your eye

You like to read

You've read Rage by Stephen King

you like cleaning

Your favorite arcade game is Mappy

You own every color Gameboy Color

You've felt unloved before

You've been bit by a tick before

You don't understand the obsession with Funko Pops

You're into kitten play

You believe you're talented

You still live at home

You clean your car... a lot

You like to take pictures of everything

You like the name Amethyst and Jade for a girl's name

You like the name Nathan and Jayden for a boy's name

You've had pink hair

You've had lavender hair

You've had red hair

You've had blonde hair

You've had a pixie cut

Your hair is naturally curly

You never leave the house without makeup on

You love the rain but hate thunderstorms

You're afraid of being alone

You're good at math

You always do the cat eye eyeliner

You don't know how to contour

You've watched every single episode of Friends

You've watched every single episode of That 70s Show

You own a pair of the Nintendo vans

You're spoiled

You own around 50 Pulp Fiction related merch

You've seen the movie countless times

You have A.D.D

You've gone to a teacher for personal help and they didn't help

You've never had to call 911 before

You eat Honey Nut Cheerios nearly every morning

You love breakfast foods

Your parents aren't divorced although they should be

You've started a GoFundMe for an LDR before

You saw Back To The Future in theaters

You used to smoke weed but don't anymore

You've never smoked a cigarette

You would never work in fast food

You don't really like concerts but you still go

You love going to the dentist

You've had a guinea pig before

You've had a turtle before

He was named after one of the Ninja Turtles

You've had a German Shepherd before

You've never watched a Kardashian show

You never swear

You like to go on walks

You prefer Pepsi over Coke

You're really picky about food

You own a machete

You own a Halo helmet and energy sword

You don't like Bethesda as a company

The first game you ever beat was GTA III

Your favorite mini games are the ones on Pokemon Stadium 2

You only own one perfume

You buy clothes for dirt cheap and sell them to make profit

You enjoy making your bed because it's aesthetically pleasing

You've done Harley Quinn cosplay

You want to do Daenerys cosplay

You made love coupons for your boyfriend on Valentine's Day

you like to be creative with cookies/cakes/desserts

You own a pink gaming headset (Trittons)

You own Astros A40s

You've never had a Scuf controller

Your voice is very quiet

You've had the same Pikachu plushie since you were 4

One of your favorite bands is ADTR

One of your favorite bands is Volbeat

One of your favorite bands is Taking Back Sunday

You've seen all of your favorite bands live

You don't have a favorite song

You get jealous of people that are more successful than u that are younger

You sing in the shower

Music puts you to sleep fast

You're too optimistic

You've sexted someone you weren't in a relationship with before

You've gotten a girl expelled from school before

You've never been in a physical fight

You laugh a lot

You suck at making eye contact

You've been threatened for your life before

You play video games with your sibling

All your grandparents are still alive

You've met your great-great-grandfather before

You naturally have brown hair

You wear glasses

You've lost your glasses before

You have bad memory

You used to have almost 5,000 friends on Facebook.

Now you only have around 300

Your favorite restaurant is Red Lobster

You have a Lenovo computer

You only buy Samsung TV's

There were less than 70 kids in your graduating class

You check on your ex's social medias every so often

You've seen someone with a gun to their head before

You have Cards Against Humanity and ALL of its expansions

You have Exploding Kittens

You see Canada almost every day but you've never been there

You've kissed a girl before

You've been cheated on while living with that person

You've been best friends with someone since elementary school

You prefer hot foods over cold

You have an innie belly button

You prefer fruits over vegetables

You have a lot of collectibles

Your phone is pink

Your favorite game show is Family Feud

You're right handed

You have a birth mark on your butt

Your favorite month is February

You don't like Harry Potter

You like Pearl Jam

You like to dance even though you're bad at it

You're not athletic

You're not very good with saving money

You have a dual screen monitor set up

You have 5+ consoles hooked up currently

You have string lights around your bed

You don't have any posters up

You own a Japanese video game

You want to buy a game that's currently valued at $300+

You've never gone hunting

You've never gone fishing

You've been to a drive in theater

You've been to Florida

You've driven in a car for over 24 hours straight

You're not really close with any of your cousins

You're not a huge fan of chocolate

You've owned a pair of Uggs

You only use white clothing hangers

You try to keep the boxes for everything

You got your first job at 18

You've always had creative ways to make some extra cash

You have a tattoo that your parents don't know about

You got a tattoo as soon as you turned 18

You don't like kids

You always panic over the worst case scenario

You don't like wearing jeans

You don't like wearing pants in general

You haven't showered yet today

You've never gotten stitches

You hate whipped cream

You have Irish heritage

You're not religious

You gave your first BJ at 14

Your longest relationship was 2 years

You've never been asked on a date by a stranger

Your favorite music video is No One Knows by QOTSA

You have a very short temper

Your Youtube inspiration is SSSniperwolf

You've always wanted to start a cookie decorating business

You've always wanted to own a business in your own store instead of online

You've lived in the same town your entire life

You're going Pokemon hunting tonight

You like exploring

You've never had a full time job

You never want an office job

You've never been to Warped tour and never want to go

You own 5+ copies of one of your favorite games

You put a lot of effort into your Instagram page

[skystreaka]

Haggar’s Greatest Weapon

Where I discuss what happened to Shiro and what’s up with Kuron.

The facts were these:

The last time we saw Shiro was in Blackout, when Zarkon was trying to overpower him, “He’s trying to control my lion, I can feel him in my mind.” As Zarkon’s Armour shatters, the Black Lion is the only one not in shot. After the explosion, the Black Lion is shown to be offline. It’s implied that the explosion caused it, but not confirmed. In Tailing a Comet, Keith speculates that, “You just unlocked the Black Lion’s ability to teleport. Could it have teleported you? … Maybe Zarkon forced it to? I mean, he was trying to control the Black Lion up until the very last moment, right?”

Seems to be a pretty solid theory, Keith. 

Although… what else happened in Blackout?

Allura unlocks her ability to use magic and destroys the Komar Experiment, arguably the Galra’s greatest weapon. After this happens, Haggar teleports out of the room. The next time we see her, some time has passed and she is at Zarkon’s bedside. So where did she go in between?

I believe that she teleported into the, now conveniently close, Black Lion.

I believe that she left to start Plan B. AKA Operation Kuron.

What is Operation Kuron? Operation Kuron is the new and improved Robeast.

Yeah, you heard me. Robot beast. 

With this season’s switching of main antagonists from Zarkon to Lotor, it makes thematic sense for the battles to switch from overt to covert as well.

We know from the unnamed rebel in The Journey that the Galra have been testing their experiments on the ice planet for a while. While on the ice planet, Kuron makes shelter within the skeleton of a slain beast and wonders aloud, “What killed you?” The rebels also carry exactly one clamp that, “keeps his arm from turning into a weapon.” This further proves that they have dealt with Haggar’s enhanced soldiers before. 

An excerpt from The Paladin’s Handbook reveals that ‘The Robeasts are created by Haggar to serve the Galra Empire. They are not quite robot and not quite beast. They are made from Zarkon’s traitors, transformed by Quintessence and weaponised with Galra tech, like the former commander Prorok.’ Following this, Shiro writes, “I wonder if this is what Haggar had in mind for me, before I escaped.” It is worth noting that in The Black Paladin, Haggar tells Shiro, “You could’ve been our greatest weapon!” Furthermore, before Shiro escaped, he was taken into Haggar’s Lab again where he asked, “you took my hand. What more do you want?” So we know that Haggar had bigger and better plans for Shiro, or as he was known then, Champion.

Circumstantial, but also note that in Escape From Beta Traz, Slav tells Shiro, “That robot arm is fantastic! Now imagine if you had two. Our chances of survival would go up 300% from totally doomed to highly unlikely.” A gag that was played straight within the episode, but could have had further significance.

In The Journey, the unnamed rebel asks Kuron, “Now they send you to infiltrate us?” Which is some pretty blatant foreshadowing if you ask me. In the very same episode, Haggar also sends a spy after Prince Lotor. Note that when Kuron’s eyes dilate and contract in his flashback, you can hear a camera focusing.

Foreshadowing for Kuron’s infiltration was set up In Shiro’s Escape when Pidge points out, “Galra could have implanted fake memories of the escape in your head.” Hunk elaborates further by saying that Shiro’s Galra hand has a, “molecular level storage unit,” as well as, “a direct pathway to his brain.” Kuron is also shown to suffer from “weird headaches” specifically after he attacks Galra sentries and boards the Castle of Lions. It’s almost like it’s against his programming.

So Kuron is spying on Voltron?

While for the time being, Kuron is being used as an unwitting spy, Haggar probably has other plans for him.

Throughout The Journey, Kuron’s singular goal was to find Voltron and the lions. Not to meet up with his ‘friends’. Once Kuron found Voltron, he began dividing and breaking the paladins. In Tailing a Comet, Kuron usurps the leadership position Shiro gave to Keith, despite Keith still being the Black Paladin. Kuron also keeps the team as far away from Lotor as possible, and when they do come to a confrontation he tells the paladins not to destroy his reality hopping ship, but to stop him from stealing the teludav. He does however, direct Voltron into a position where all the paladins get hurt. This lines up pretty neatly with Haggar’s wishes.

Kuron also says that, “Something strange is going on here and we need to figure it out,” in regards to Prince Lotor. So his spying may not be limited to the paladins. Some have already pointed out that the Galra spy Haggar sent after him was too obvious.

We’ve only had one episode of Kuron interacting with the paladins so I may be jumping the gun. Regardless, here are some thoughts on Kuron’s purpose:

·         Depending on how evil Kuron is meant to become, his goal could be anything from sending Haggar information (a la Thace) about the paladins’ weaknesses, and stealing and delivering the Black Lion to Central Command, to being possessed by Haggar/Zarkon, and taking down the paladins from the inside.  

·         In Crystal Venom, Sendak managed to corrupt the Castle of Lions and nearly kill all the occupants. This shows how effective an inside job could be. Sidenote: Sendak’s fate was ambiguous. He might become relevant again.

·         In Hole in the Sky, we see Alternate Alteans use a hoktril, “our civilisation’s most advanced technological achievement … it saps the fighting force from our enemies. Their ‘will’ you might say.” Gentle reminder that Haggar is an Altean with advanced technology too. 

·         In Tailing a Comet, Narti reminds us that mind control is a very real thing that’s currently being used by Galra. It’s implied in The Legend Begins that Haggar can also use mind control. Additionally, Haggar taking over Kuron’s body could be a callback to the ‘Kuro’ illusion from The Black Paladin.

·         In Tailing a Comet Keith tells Kuron that, “The rest of the team would be thrilled to see you up and around again. They need you, you know?” Leading some to believe that a ransom situation is in the works. As we all know, Keith, the current Black Paladin, is particularly weak when it comes to Shiro.

Where is the real Shiro?

It wouldn’t make sense to release a clone if you didn’t have a tight hold on the original. 

I believe that in The Journey, First Person POV has been used to leave Shiro’s fate ambiguous. I will argue that Shiro remembers being injected with a sedative and standing in a tank full of liquid Quintessence*. The Galra scientists are head saying, “Operation Kuron Stage One successful, begin Stage Two.” Later on, Kuron remembers a handheld light shining into his eyes. The Galra scientists are heard saying, “Subject Y0XT39 has normal response to optic stimuli. Approved for use in Operation Kuron.”

*Who else have we seen in tanks of Quintessence? Pre-Robeasts. 

In The Journey, Kuron sees another lab with another Shiro surrounded by Galra scientists. This Shiro does not appear to suffer from age acceleration. However, this Shiro has his eyes open and isn’t responding. This contrasts with the flashbacks from Shiro’s Escape, where he was struggling against his restraints and slipping into unconsciousness. 

It’s possible that he’s a dud Robeast. 

It’s also possible that he’s the real Shiro drained of his Quintessence.

The head officer (red armour) on the Galra battlecruiser watches Kuron’s escape and says, “Notify Command Headquarters; Operation Kuron Stage Three is under way.” The Central Command System is located in the heart of the Galra Empire. It serves as Zarkon’s headquarters and home to the majority of the Empire’s fleet. It has proven to be more secure than the Galra Empire’s highest security prison, Beta Traz. It consists of a superstation, four Niven Rings, and three colonised planets, all protected by a solar barrier. Plenty of places to hold Haggar’s greatest weapon.

Also, Sven’s appearance in Hole in the Sky might be more than just a reference to the original series. His character arc in Defenders of the Universe involves being recaptured by the Galra and imprisoned on Planet Doom. Note, Defender of the Universe’s Planet Doom resembles the smallest planet in Legendary Defender’s Central Command System. A possible contender? He also helps ‘Princess Romelle’ (Allura’s doppelganger) escape from Planet Doom. Although a clone of Allura might be too much to hope for.

This is so cool. Teach us about Galra culture and society, damn it. 

TL:DR

It wasn’t Zarkon who took Shiro, but Haggar. Haggar has been finessing the perfect Robeast for years and Shiro was her most successful work yet. She created Kuron to infiltrate the Castle of Lions and spy for her. He will probably become evil and fight them, like all the other Robeasts, in an attempt to destroy Voltron. The real Shiro is once again imprisoned by the Galra back in Command Headquarters. He’s currently too valuable to kill. 

[thankscaptainobvious]

Okay, I’ve tried to write this out several times now and haven’t been able to get it out without the post turning into a long, rambling mess that essentially equates to “abuse = bad”.

Let’s see if I can do it better this time.

It starts out talking about DaddyOFive, but to fully understand my position, you need to understand my past and where I come from.

I had never heard of daddyofive before this morning as I fell out of the ‘youtube family vlogger’ realm after Shaytards moved to Idaho and, in my opinion, let their money get the best of them.  

Within the past few months, I’ve became a pretty big fan of TheDeFrancoFam, and subsequently, the Philip DeFranco show.  Phil has a way of getting the point across, but still encouraging everyone to come to their own conclusions that I found to be incredibly refreshing.   The most recent episode at the time was “WOW...We Need To Talk About This...” (TRIGGER WARNING: this can be extremely hard to watch/hear, so if you are triggered by loud screaming and child abuse, avoid it and just google the recaps that are all over the internet)

I was not prepared for what I would see and hear in that video. 

The way the children cringed and flinched away from their parents, the way the sobbed as they collapsed into heaps on the floor of various rooms of their house - It was almost too much to take. 

It was the children’s screams that really caught my attention though and while I can’t say it was a full flashback in that I disconnected with reality, I certainly felt like I was a small child again, having my grown father scream at the top of his lungs while being less than a full 12 inches away from my face.

I love my Dad very much and in the couple of years preceding his death, we were closer than ever.  But I would be a straight up liar if I said that there weren’t times when I was absolutely petrified of my father.

One of my earliest memories of my father’s emotional (and even, once in a blue moon, physical) abuse was being five years old, so in 1995.  He had been at the dentist and had all of his decaying teeth removed (He hadn’t taken care of them, and had spent most of the 70′s in a drug and booze induced haze, which probably didn’t help).  My mother had been volunteering at the local Salvation Army sorting center with her sister all day, which wasn’t all that uncommon when we were younger.  I don’t remember the exact details of how the fight started, but it kicked off and escalated in a hurry.   At the time we lived in an apartment that wasn’t huge but had most of the main rooms interconnected 

My Mom and Dad were arguing in the kitchen while my older brother (who was maybe 7 years old, at the most) and I were hiding in the toy room.  I remember thinking that the screaming was so loud and I was getting very upset, so I shoved my head under a big ole’ beanbag chair that was in the toyroom and tried to block out the noise.  My brother was trying to comfort me and keep an eye on the argument.    One minute they were just arguing - and the next, my Mom was screaming that he was choking her and for my brother to dial 911 (I remember seeing red marks and faint bruises around her neck for what seemed like an eternity in my five year old eyes).   There’s another pretty big gap in my memory there, but it picks up with my Mom calling my brother and I out to the Dining Room where a uniformed police officer was standing and questioning her.   The cop kept trying to reassure us that everything was okay, that Dad was only going away ‘for a little while’ - but I still burst into tears when he was hauled off.     My five year old self wasn’t able to comprehend the magnitude of what my abuser/my mother’s abuser had done.  All I knew was that he was my Dad, and I wanted him at home with us.    In the years since that happened, I’ve been called crazy and insane, been told that I straight up imagined the incident (Mom said he was busted for traffic tickets, but why would they have picked that exact day to pop him for a bullshit traffic warrant?) - even though my older brother, now 29 years old, remembers it just as vividly as I do.

Over the next, idk, 11-12 years, their arguments remained mostly just verbal altercations.   There was one case when I was.....idk, 15 maybe (?) when a new owner took over the gas station/convenience store down the street from our house.  They offered pizzas and we were all hungry, so wtf not?   The order took forever to get ready and ended up being just burnt and nasty - so by the time we got home, my Mom and I were incredibly frustrated, tired, and hungry.  Dad walked into the kitchen to ask what had taken so long and I put my hand up in a “Don’t even ask, bro” type of gesture.    Within maybe five seconds, I had a 6′5″, 300+ lbs man charging at me, getting so close to my face that I could feel the spit flying out of his mouth as he screamed at me (At the time, I was maybe 5′6″, 110 lbs soaking wet).   He said later that after being a prison guard for 20+ years, he had taken the hand motion as a sign of aggression and just lost it.  I didn’t care - I was terrified of my father that day and even though it’s TMI, I damn near pissed my pants as I thought with every ounce of my being that he was gonna punch me right in the face.

Again, though, he apologized - and like a dumdum, I accepted; He was my Dad - he hadn’t actually hit me, just yelled and that couldn’t be abusive....could it? 

Another incident happened maybe five years after that, around Christmas time.  My Mom, Brother, Sister in-law (she was just a girlfriend back then), and I were all watching a movie when my Dad got home from work.  He called me into the kitchen and asked if I had bought my Mom anything for Christmas yet.  I didn’t have a job, and was trying to survive and pay bills off of $160 a month - I simply couldn’t afford anything, so I told him that No, I hadn’t.    Once again, he started screaming in my face, telling me I was an awful daughter, that I was just the worst, that I was a huge disappointment, etc.   I walked away, wasn’t having it anymore.  I made it to the living room where everyone else was to collect my things before I heard Dad shout from being me “Don’t fuckin’ walk away from me! Get your goddamned ass back here!”.   I remember snapping around and saying “What are you going to do? Kick me out? Fucking go for it - Homeless would be better than living here” and then stomping up the stairs to my room.  I had a duffle bag packed and was ready to leave - I had nowhere to stay, but I had hit my limit (I didn’t actually end up leaving).  My Mom came upstairs and talked me down, told me that my brother had been about five seconds away from tearing off after my Dad in my defense.     I’ve held onto resentment over this argument for years, but once again, I tried to forgive him because he was my Dad.

That’s the life of an emotionally abused person, especially when the abuser is the parent.  You don’t want to get your parents in trouble, you don’t want to see the person who provides for you getting locked up - but you also hate the way you’re treated.  It might not be physical abuse, but trust me when I say that the emotional abuse that we all endured has carried long lasting effects, even to this day.

My brother still tries his hardest to protect my Mom and I, has that strong instinct to protect those that are weaker than him.

Me? I have severe anxiety issues, a case of Severe Panic Disorder.  I self-harm (I’ve only done so once in the past couple of years, but the urge is always there - like a junkie itching for their next fix).   For awhile, I had developed an eating disorder and was only 4′5″ and 54 lbs.   Anytime someone yells at me, I shut the fuck down - and if you walk towards me or get anywhere near my face while shouting? Yeah, I burst into tears and go full fetal position.

So, back to the original daddyofive point here, I get what those kids are going through.  Sure, they say that they aren’t being abused.....because maybe those kids don’t realize that what they experience on a daily basis is NOT normal or maybe because they don’t want to see their Dad and Mom (Step-Mom for Cody and Emma) get into trouble or maybe because they don’t want to speak up and risk making things worse for themselves.    

“Well, if they were abused, they wouldn’t have xboxes and playstations!”

Motherfucker, I had every game system growing up and when computers finally became common place, I had one of those too.  That doesn’t negate the fact that my Dad could be an emotionally abusive asshole.  

“Well, it’s just discipline!”

Discipline is having the kids write lines if they steal or grounding them from xbox if they don’t do their chores.  Discipline is NOT screaming at your kids until you are red in the face, or until they’re crying and screaming so much that their voices are hoarse and throats are raw.    Discipline is not allowing your wife to mock her stepchild for smearing shit when it is one of the major signs of stress/child abuse.  

I urge all of you to report their videos to YouTube and to contact the proper authorities (I don’t have the information, but there are posts floating around that do).   

Please - don’t be an innocent bystander.  Be an active participant in rescuing those kids.

[micaramel]

Artist: Puppies Puppies (Jade Kuriki Olivo)

Venue: Halle für Kunst, Lüneburg

Exhibition Title: »Plague«

Curated By: Stefanie Kleefeld

Date: September 8 – November 3, 2019

Click here to view slideshow

Full gallery of images, press release, and link available after the jump.

  Images:

Images courtesy of Halle für Kunst, Lüneburg. Photos by Fred Dott.

Press Release:

All bleeding stops eventually

August 25th, 2019

I’m at a beach club on the Ligurian coast called Porteghetto. The club is set into a blasted rock face with a large two-tiered terrace and space for 22 umbrellas. Under each umbrella is a set of chaises longues. I’ve been lying here for the better part of a week to the point that my intestines are now sunburned. The club itself is two stories of whitewash; the sort of building that gives the impression that Richard Meier could’ve been a chicken or an egg. The kitchen is a dark, narrow, windowless closet wedged between a rock face and the bar that serves the upstairs dining patio. The Italian wait staff wears white polo shirts with black collars and Porteghetto stitched into the back collar. The Bangladeshi chef is dressed in all black with a black apron and flips his collar up so it reads Portoghetto upside down. The lifeguard sits in a wooden tower, is handsome, slightly petit and wears a red t-shirt that says SALVATAGGIO in white. The lifeguard, chef, and wait staff smile easily while maintaining the casual distance necessary to create a sense that one could fall into private revelry while amongst a group of people in a delimited space. Sorry if this is a bit tedious but I thought it would be best if you could literally see where I’m coming from. I think I need you to see the earth I’m standing on since we’re all on such different planets. The water is calm and perfect. I’ve been snorkeling and thinking about the fact that in the last 5 years, 13,570 people have drowned in this same water. 32 days ago, 150 people drowned trying to reach Italy from Libya in a single incident. Sorry, you probably know this. And in any case, I’m having a very nice time at the beach club. The snorkeling is very relaxing the water is very cool and refreshing, and there are more fish then I expected. There are anchovies, sardines, and sprats. Sargo are a rather plain and common white fish and they are, as is common in the ocean, a protandrous sequential hermaphrodite, starting out as male, and sometimes becoming female. Sargo are all over the place, not just in front of me while I swim, but stretching from the eastern Atlantic to the western Indian Ocean, from the Bay of Biscay southwards to South Africa and off of the Madeira and Canary Islands. They are also known as sea bream and they are ancient. People ate 3,700 tons of them last year. In the last few years, reports that sargo have become more aggressive and begun biting swimmers have been confirmed throughout the Mediterranean. A spectacular newcomer to the warming waters along the Ligurian coast is the ornate wrasse which have two distinct styles of mating: either a harem or an orgy, depending on population density. The male’s head is fire red with delicate sky blue tributaries shooting across his face like the mouth of the Nile. The females are lovely though slightly more muted with more greens and pale blues and stripes running vertically. They are also sequential hermaphrodites, however, their sexual transformation is from female to male. The transition involves elaborate color transformations and provides for a wide variety of combinations of patterns of reds, oranges, greens, purples and sky blues, a spectrum of sexual orientation. They are attractive fish and I find myself seeking them out. They are the highlight of each swim and while they are also ancient, they are new to the area, having arrived with the warming sea.

I’m reading in the paper that Neil deGrasse Tyson will keep his job at the Hayden Planetarium after a sexual misconduct probe was conducted over allegations brought by two women. In one alleged episode from 2009, Katelyn Allers, an associate professor of physics and astronomy at Bucknell University in Pennsylvania, said Tyson put his hand under the shoulder part of her dress while exploring her tattoo of the solar system to see if it included Pluto. Allers said the behavior was »creepy«.

The second case involved Ashley Watson, who quit her job as an assistant for Tyson on the Fox TV show Cosmos last year after what she said was inappropriate behavior on his part. In one instance, Watson said Tyson invited her into his apartment and told her he wanted to hug her but if he did he’d »just want more.«

The other day, Tyson posted that the recent mass murder by white supremacists in El Paso should be looked at in perspective. »In the past 48hrs, the USA horrifically lost 34 people to mass shootings,« Tyson wrote , claiming, »on average, across any 48hrs, we also lose… 500 to Medical errors 300 to the Flu 250 to Suicide 200 to Car Accidents 40 to Homicide via Handgun.« »Often our emotions respond more to spectacle than to data,« he added. Many people took offense taking to Twitter to condemn the post and its timing as insensitive. Others condemned the astrophysicist for implying that intentional attacks and accidental deaths were comparable. »The flu doesn’t target people based on their race,« one commenter wrote on Twitter, alluding to the racist motivation behind the El Paso shooting, which federal law enforcement officials are investigating as a hate crime. »This is the most heartless tweet in the history of social media,« another responded on Twitter.

Puppies Puppies lives in Los Angeles just off the corner of Rampart and 3rd. The building is a typically weird large LA craftsman with art nouveau detailing and it sits high up off the street on a two-tiered faux Italian palazzo terrace. It’s the kind of terrace that would face Lake Cuomo, except, rather than an expanse of calm water one sees Rampart and 3rd. A garage at ground level is set into the base of the terrace with the name (word) »Beaulyland« carved (embossed), over the garage door. The interior of the house has a broad staircase, heavy banister, and exposed beams. Puppies lives in a small room with high ceilings leading to a large balcony overlooking the terraces below. Her room is more of a passage with a loft that can be accessed by a precarious system of plinths and ladders that leads up to a bed. Though she is very attached to her roommates, Puppies considers this to be temporary housing. She is thinking of moving to NYC with one of her roommates or maybe Europe.

Europe is different from America. Puppies worries that if she moves to Europe she won’t be able to make her work which is made of American refuse and detritus. I told her that Manfred Pernice once told me something similar. He worried that if they tore down the Plattenbau around Alexanderplatz where he lives that he wouldn’t be able to make his work anymore. I don’t know how seriously to take Manfred and Puppies about this sort of thing.

Puppies will do (and by the time you read this dear reader, she will have done) a series of performances at Kölnischer Kunstverein, Bonner Kunstverein and Kunstverein Düsseldorf as part of an exhibition at all three institutions called Maskulinitaeten. The performance which consists of Puppies standing naked in a space is called Naked Self (Transitioning) (22 Months on Hormone Replacement Therapy). Sorry to make this all about me but I was in a show at MMK in Frankfurt last year called I AM A PROBLEM. It was a really big weird show with lots of art. The curator had made a huge inflatable black shiny plastic tunnel that ran almost the entire length of the exhibition, it ran around corners and you could walk into its shiny black mouth and watch a series of Hollywood blood and green ketchup videos by Sturtevant while feeling and hearing the rush of wind coursing past you from the enormous industrial fan that kept the tunnel inflated. There were also a series of large round transparent windows looking into the tunnel on the other side of which the curator had placed artworks like Andy Warhol’s Brillo Box and some other stuff I can’t remember. What I do remember was a life-size sculpture of a woman with a distinctly grey pallor sitting in a folding chair by John De Andrea. This grey was not the light grey pallor we associate with under oxygenated blood, but a deeper, more intentional grey. This was a woman painted grey. The eyes were natural and had a rim of flesh color around them. Her nails were likewise natural, as was her hair. Then the curator told me that the grey woman had been gifted to the museum by a German collector who had immediately afterward had himself euthanized in Switzerland. I think Puppies will find that European refuse is just as sad as American refuse.

September 1st, 2019

Puppies sent me an email last week saying that the show will be called »Plague« and the entire space will be covered in mulch and dirt.

There will be around nine mannequins laying on the ground scattered in the space (dead). She was thinking about taking bed sheets soaked with muddy water and draping them on the mannequins. The windows will be boarded up. So far she has five taxidermy rats scattered throughout the space. (She wishes there were more.) There will be a performer standing in the middle of the space dressed as a plague doctor.

She decided to go with the less steampunk version. There will be a life-size vinyl print of a horse whose body has been painted black with a white skeleton describing on the outside what’s happening on the inside.

Puppies will then ride in on a horse; a reenactment of a Trisha Donnelly performance in which she rides in on a horse and recites a small speech of defeat from Napoleon by his courier.

»If it need be termed surrender, then let it be so, for he has surrendered in word, not will. He has said, ‘My fall will be great but it will be useful.’ The emperor has fallen and he rests his weight upon your mind and mine and with this I am electric. I am electric.«

Puppies is thinking about wearing the courier costume like in the Trisha Donnelly but she’s been on a roll doing these nude performances. She gave a lecture naked last night and did a naked photoshoot for a magazine. Basically, after so many costumed performances, it could be interesting to perform nude over and over and over for maybe a year or so. So that’s the gist of the show, she rides into the courtyard on a horse, announces defeat and then she’ll probably sit on the horse for a while.

-Will Benedict

  Plague

The gallery is a gravesite, with soft earth underfoot and bodies draped in muddied sheets. A beak-masked medieval doctor presides over this chilling scene, with boarded up windows and taxidermied rats. Dread settles.

Puppies Puppies (Jade Kuriki Olivo) describes this exhibition as an oracle or prophecy, visions of the past and possible future. It conjures the plague as a kind of vast, chaotic gloom. A force beyond comprehension or control that radically reorders everything, just over the edge of side of some tipping point or fault line. Night air. land. Dark energies for dark ages.

Puppies tells me she’s been thinking about »Triumph of Death,« c. 1562, Pieter Bruegel the Elder. It’s such a wicked, hedonistic scene. Skeletons ravaging the earth, galloping in, gleeful, unhinged. In the genre of danse macabre, death is portrayed as this great equalizer, coming for us all. In death we may all be equal but how and when we die, expect to die or are expected to die is the ultimate scale of inequality. That gives this fear of things that kill indiscriminately a certain edge. It’s said that in medieval times the omnipresence of death gave people this thirst for life, verging on hysteria. Carpe diem.

In Puppies’ other works the costumes sometimes felt like thin screens, or maybe two-way mirrors. The person inside is shielded but that only seems to make them more vulnerable―prone, isolated, not really seen. A costume for a plague doctor manifests this vulnerability in a particular way, a safeguard for something it is so utterly, absurdly defenceless against. Death finds its way in and through―physically, psychologically. What mask does the doctor wear when she comes home to her family at night?

Puppies tells me about the rats that were in the walls of her apartment. I imagine this muffled scratching and scurrying like the low hum of anxiety. Creeping in the background, sometimes hard to locate, then suddenly right next to you. Exploding rat populations in major cities like Los Angeles, New York and Chicago are more than a pest control problem, they are a symptom of larger shifts and stresses: zealous construction, piles of refuse in the streets, warmer weather for breeding.

Puppies sends me links to videos of horses »out,«their skeletal structures painted on their skins, like live anatomical animations. They are incredibly beautiful and melancholic. As an allusion to the horsemen of the apocalypse, the way they flow through obstacle courses takes on a feeling of the inevitable, the vast economic, political and ecological conditions that spiral, vortex-like towards collapse. But the animals are in their element, oblivious, carrying on. The horses, the rats, the mannequins, the stoic performers: all of them hover somewhere between life and death, lightness straining against gravity.

For the opening, Puppies will perform a mimesis of Trisha Donnelly’s demonstration from 2002, in which she road into a gallery on horseback, dressed as a Napoleonic courier, and delivered a declaration of defeat. But the words are laced with . »My fall will be great but it will be useful.«ges as a form of sustenance, multiplicity and continuum. »with this I am electric.«

Whenever I contemplate Puppies’ work a schematic comes to mind. As humans evolved, new parts of the brain were added on like rooms in an expanding house. The oldest parts are still there at the center, the flight-or-flight reptilian brain, with layers built around it: language and logic, emotions and memory, abstraction and metaphor. I experience Puppies’ work like an opening of doors between these rooms, pacing through them on pathways and loops between gut feelings and complexes of meaning. It can be dizzying at times.

The confluence of emotions Puppies describes experiencing in her transition are profound: exhilaration and joy, bleakness and loss. The grave has a symbolic finality that is fundamentally irreconcilable with the ways of memory, the hauntings of the past. How it is constantly revived, relived, re-felt in the present, and how that can feel interminable. Mortality has been a central theme for Puppies from the beginning, reflecting both her early close encounters with death and now moving through the death of an old self. In her work, Puppies gives form to this thing of formlessness, or un-forming, bearing it in all the ways in which it is strange, intimate, unknowable.

-Rose Bouthillier

  For a long time, Puppies Puppies’ self-definition as an ambiguous artist-subject was already indicated by the name, since it did not allow drawing conclusions about ethnicity or gender, the social milieu or the number of persons behind Puppies Puppies. This made any kind of attribution, any inference as to the identity impossible, while the inherent rejection/withdrawal simultaneously created a location from which Puppies Puppies could encounter the world and act in it.

Meanwhile, Puppies Puppies have become an established figure, because such open conditions cannot be easily upheld over a longer period of time, especially since, in the art world, products have to be connected to producers. It is a figure based on fantasies owing as much to the texts accompanying the works as to the narrations enveloped in myth that have gone along with Puppies Puppies’ veiled artist identity from the beginning.

Acting in roles, or becoming a figure, is also a basic motif of the works themselves. For example, in her performances and installations, Puppies Puppies plays (Hollywood) characters such as J.K. Rowling’s Lord Voldemort or J.R.R. Tolkien’s Gollum, becomes the Statue of Liberty or a personified part of a red carpet on the red carpet. These readymade characters are just as fabricated as the figure of »Puppies Puppies.« Yet they are more than that: franchises, commodified and mass-cultural versions or revenants of real or imagined predecessors, he figures, never fully merge with them, but instead fill them with their own life. So puppies puppies may turn into Voldemort, but they us the sleeping pills they need to fall asleep and they sleep. It is a becoming Sponge Bob, a becoming Gollum, a becoming Napoleon, but remaining Pupte something about Puppies Puppies themselves. Hyper-connoted universes charged with symbols

in which personal and universal motifs are closely intertwined, even though the starting point lies in Puppies Puppies’ life.

Since recently, her »transitioning« has become the moment that permeates everything, the heartbeat of her works, so to speak. This is probably revealed most explicitly by »Jade« emerging from behind the artist(s) figure Puppies Puppies―until of late, hardly anyone knew who they were and only very few have seen them. But the emergence of Puppies Puppies (Jade Kuriki Olivo)―as she now calls herself―takes place in absolute contrast to the greatest possible concealment maintained beforehand, namely, in full exposure. She does’nt simply become visible but stands naked in a foggy gallery space over a longer period of time. Therefore, becoming Puppies Puppies (Jade Kuriki Olivo) not only means becoming a self-determined »I« in public, but also staging oneself, turning oneself into a projection screen, which is looked at and supposed to be looked at.

This becoming a figure, becoming a role, becoming a character, shows that the works of Puppies Puppies (Jade Kuriki Olivo) are not (or not only) about becoming one’s »self« but at the same time raise the question of what the »self« actually is. What shows itself in this showing of oneself? Are we the fantasies we have of ourselves? The figures we embody? The projection screens we provide? And what roles does society make possible, and allow? What realities of life are possible in society? What fictions does it permit in the first place? And what would happen if we took these fictions, which in turn have much deeper, older and darker precursors, seriously as identities?

Shedding the incognito that goes hand in hand with becoming Puppies Puppies (Jade Kuriki Olivo) also places the works in a precarious situation. For along with the emergence, the strategy of concealing authorship, which had been so fundamental until then, also disappears. The »I« becomes increasingly stronger. The difference between motif and author dissolves, motif and author become one. That (too) is a painful process, since it is not clear where it will lead to and how it will end. But as usual, this process is made public and reflected upon in public, when Puppies Puppies (Jade Kuriki Olivo) re-enacts a performance by Trisha Donnelly at the opening and rides on horseback into the gallery as a Napoleonic courier to declare his defeat with the words: »My fall will be great but it will be useful.«

-Stefanie Kleefeld

Link: Puppies Puppies (Jade Kuriki Olivo) at Halle für Kunst

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[konstantinwrites]

Treasures from the Roof of the Insurmountable, Part 4

unknown title (Antonietta Raphaël)

27: Flashlight by Kasia Moś (Poland)

Fun bulbous whirrs in the pre-choruses, even if they were added to mask the rhyming choices of fire/desire/higher/wire/non-qualifier. (One of those may be made up.) “Flashlight” feels more coherent with more listens and flows by relatively skillfully, as if it didn’t just rhyme a feeling of strong craving with rapid oxidation. 

Clearly, a decaf-violin version would have been better than this, and the violinist should avoid even looking at coffee, but the melody of Kasia’s vocals carries the song well. The intensity here is: Russian provincial crime dramas, all of which are going to license “Flashlight” and use it in every third episode.

Big fan of the stationary ethereal shark on the LED screen from 2:30-2:34, rotating around like a newly obtained Tomb Raider souvenir.

The music video, also (link in the title), is an absurdly apocalyptic edit of fantastically ordinary footage of the local city orchestra. On the film shoot, a Volgogradian gangster has just pulled a gun on his refined St. Peterburgian business partner, and all these musicians and birds hopefully earned some royalties.

When I first heard this song, it was my least favorite of the three that I reviewed, but after re-listening I think it just edges out Hovig for second place. The problem is that while she clearly has a great voice, it's hidden behind a bunch of junk. 

At one moment in the song, she holds a note for some time, but you can hardly hear it behind all that unnecessary electronic noise. At the same time, the song is just sort of boring and desperately needs something to put it over the top; something to change the song up a bit, since it didn't go the route of stripping it down to a simpler number where her voice could shine.

Ryan Haskell

26: Rain of Revolution by Fusedmarc (Lithuania)

When Spotify introduces the Completely Random Song From Our Library feature, "Rain of Revolution” will come up first. This crazed funk pop is the median in all things – musical category, level of stock continental goofiness and the length of time that a child would cry when hearing this at high volume (let’s say 40 seconds of crying, somewhere from 1:27 and on), to pick three things that don’t define all things.

There are lots of layers here, all perilously undercooked. Fiery V signs into the camera plus sneering baby boomer guitarist plus four(!) backing vocalists: a track like this needs hours in a name-brand bath of boiling water, except in two situations, in which it may be left as is: Lithuania in Eurovision and Lithuania in general as a nation. Fusedmarc is very much playing within their parameters.

But even taking this exception aside, "Rain of Revolution” is easier to like than to not like. I think I feel better when I let it be it. Thunder noises crack the song into existence. The horns just beep the same five notes, like an easter egg setting of a tired Roomba. Viktorija, the lead vocalist, crouches and stabilitates like a perennial neighborhood heelflip title-holder. Fitting heaving, whispered verses onto a cheery horn accompaniment is the median of “mostly doesn’t work” and “doesn’t work” and that is irrelevant. Everyone on stage and some faithful fans in the floor pit are so into this crimson pell-mell. Spritz me with your regime change rain, Lithuanian band. Let’s pick up a park bench and throw it at a tree, then pick up a tree and throw it at a kid. Speak with my V sign if you have a comment.

“Rain of Revolution” is Fusedmarc’s reenactment of an acid trip. An 80′s workout video sound mix accompanies the singer as she staggers around a stage highlighted by a trippy light show. The costume choice of a red turtleneck maxi dress and topknot further add to the cacophony of stylistic decisions for this song. The rainy revolution is one of the mind, and one with ���no time for your illusion���.

The song opens with the proclamation, “life like roller coaster / spinning me around / rhythm getting faster / when I’m upside down”, which sets the tone for what is to come. Her vocals are all over the place, never seeming to find a correct pitch until the end. The backup singers and their chant of, “dance to the rhythm of the soul!” are the best part, and mellow out the end of the song after its rocky start. This psychedelic rant is all over the place, so sit back and prepare for a bumpy ride. 2/10.

Liv Mothershead

25: Yodel It! by Ilinca ft. Alex Florea (Romania)

Did you know that there are two FIFA video games released every year? On September 29, 2017 EA Sports released “FIFA 18″, priced at $59.99. The older consoles and PC, meanwhile, added to their anthology the title “BALL”, for $7. Running on the same modern engine, but with players represented by word clouds of the most commonly said things about them on Twitter, and sometimes the penalty spot is a trap from which Uruk-hai (MUTILATED RUINED THICC EARTH PERFECTION WOMB) tear off time-wasting goalies’ legs to eat for brunch, “BALL” contains a licensed Europa League group stage, the World Cup third-place match, Orlando Pirates and Kaizer Chiefs, a Career Mode starring Rolando during his loan to Anderlecht, and for the soundtrack of the menu screens, “Yodel It!”

But this song does not have an upmarket, monotonous, premium Thibaut Courtois card wholesaling equivalent. If you’re intrigued by the concept of “Yodel It!”, but aren’t fully on board while three to 300 sonic and visual issues with this performance remain unresolved, there is no societally palatable version to turn to yet. This is white-boy rap-rock on top of Romanian volksmusik; definitionally, it’s a trailblazer. It’s released by a label called “Cat Music”. No one is qualified to judge this properly. Maybe "Yodel It!” should be in first place. Maybe in -84.33rd.

I like how detailed the Wikipedia page for this song is, with screenshot commentary like it’s a hugely awaited action-adventure game. You know how these games work – you climb towers and dive off of them into piles of previous Romanian Eurovision entries.

Yodeler Ilinca certainly looks like she realizes what a warped thing this is – whereas 2013 Romanian entry Cezar, for example, didn’t seem to with his stage show, even after it was fine-tuned to a pulsing heap of bloody nude men – and she executes moves somewhere between halfheartedly and 70%-heartedly, functioning through it like a detached crowd of new Fusedmarc fans just waiting until “Rain of Revolution”. 

Her primary function, on the other hand, she completes perfectly professionally, in full verve. If I pass any further comment on yodeling I will end up getting a certificate in the mail notifying me of becoming a sanctioned regional yodeling judge, or something, but: what kind of happens is that “Yodel It!” gets you to feel well. I like Ilinca’s voice, which does what it intends to and transports me to early modern Europe. What she does with her voice soothes more micrometres of my soul than it abrades. It’s pleasant, even after a year’s worth of “teaching to the test”, which is creating anything for Eurovision. Also, I am now literally a sheep that marched too far from the farm and is being sung at to scamper back.

(Probably yodeling hasn’t featured in Eurovision in decades, but also probably fewer than a thousand people in the world have watched every Eurovision show, so who can really say for sure.)

The non-yodeler, the never-yodeler Alex Florea, a human semi-professional Neapolitan football team operating on a budget of protection money from the two pet supply stores down the street, hypes up the crowd and mostly himself with [what sound like reworded football chants from a particularly vehement set of ultras.]

Florea’s fulgent vigor for “Yodel It!” does bulldoze through a lot of criticism you could have for this song when introduced to it. Analysis simply does not matter when Alex buries you with imperatives – “DON’T HIDE THE LIGHT INSIDE OF YOU!” – or straight-up announces that he is to now “gonna act really crazy”. I mean, shit. That’s a man with nothing to lose and every televoter point to gain. 

If Ilinca got super sick and couldn’t perform in the Grand Final, Alex would, beyond question, volunteer himself to do the whole thing, every part, and be so intensely alert at rehearsals that any Romanian delegation-chosen replacement wouldn’t nearly match his carnality to restore the song and bring the Eurovision trophy home. 

(But, in the real ending here, he gives Ilinca a weird, forceful, kiss on the cheek, fingernails clawed into her face, so I don’t know about this guy at all.)

The first few times I listened to “Yodel It!”, it did nothing for me. I thought it was dumb and annoying and just plain bad. The more I’ve listened to it, however, I’ve come to appreciate this song’s originality and ambition. Don’t get me wrong — this is totally camp, super weird and really disjointed, but for some reason, I don’t hate it. Maybe it’s the inherent charm of a good yodel, or Ilinca’s natural charisma, but “Yodel It!” just keeps growing on me, which is super annoying because I really want to hate this song.

My main frustration with this song is that it feels very unpolished and disjointed. The live national final performance, especially, is full of awkward hesitations, rough transitions, and really bad staging and choreography. I like that this is a duet, and when they aren’t stumbling around each other on the stage, Ilinca and Alex have decent chemistry. I also think the weird genre mixing works to a certain degree — I’ve come to like the idea of interrupting a rap lyric with a sharp, clear yodel. The problem is when Ilinca switches from yodeling to her regular voice. If her only job was to whip out complicated, interesting yodels with limited singing, I think the song would be much better; it’s when she randomly switches to singing a ballad that I lose interest. “Yodel It!” isn’t terrible, but in the interest of maintaining some sense of dignity, I’ll end with this: Alex’s falsetto is horrible, and Ilinca’s leprechaun dress makes no sense. Leprechauns don’t yodel.

Hannah Fulmer

24: Apollo by Timebelle (Switzerland)

^⨀ᴥ⨀^ ooh there is other music in the world

This is a good song and I can’t find many more words, other than that competitively Switzerland has been pretty baaad at Eurovision for a dozen years now and I wouldn’t be surprised if they quit at some point? Here are three guest reviews in mixed media about “Apollo”:

VIDEO REVIEW! Embedded video not available because we’re in safe hands with Tumblr’s five-inline-videos limit.

Erin Pipes

It is impossible to distinguish from all the others. It cannot win. If it wins I will execute the hostages. 3/10.

Philip Piatt

Billy Moran

I asked Billy to play “Apollo” and draw a picture for the three-minute length of the song, about whatever sparked in his mind. He finished the house a little after the bell and says that it would have looked weird if only a quarter of a house was completed. “They built their house there because of how beautiful the view of the volcano is. But they were foolish to build their house next to a volcano, and now their child is getting away on the Bike Dinosaur.” Yeah. As I said, it’s a good song.

Crazily, Billy’s drawn family looks a lot like Maraaya, the Slovenian entry+couple who opened the Grand Final in 2014. He swears he has not seen them before...

Anyway.

23: Beautiful Mess by Kristian Kostov (Bulgaria)

If Salvador and Luísa Sobral did not win it for Portugal, "Beautiful Mess” would’ve been the Eurovision winner. (I guess all meaning I had there is that this song finished second.) It would’ve been a pretty “good” winner, I think, which is a hot new word that has begun to mean, “how placated will Eurovision fanatics and journalists feel if this song won and became the representative of Eurovision to the public”. (I tell you, this contest gets harder and harder to unspool...) 

Kristian punches well on his high notes, over this cool, moody string-percussion melody. Glum emo pop isn’t my thing, but the song aims big and delivers. I’m sure that “Beautiful Mess” will be one of the last songs that I hear before I die, hospice staff playing it over the PA to soothe and prepare families for sad, but kind of sexy, deaths.

I’m not going to pick a battle with “Beautiful Mess”, not least because Kristian seems real sweet and also the live production of this is kinda cyberpunk. Next year Kristian should enter something like, “Beautiful Apple Face ID”, and walk around the stage unlocking devices until he finds one that he can’t unlock and wails in anguish about it. It would take him over the line.

Life is a mess! But love, while not solving all the problems, soothes the troubled heart. Maybe you’ll luck out and get to have a sturdy, true and enduring love, and who doesn’t dream of an invincible love? Who wouldn’t want one that can’t be touched? And this guy has it! The quiet early bars lay out the difficult feelings and propose the hope that mutual, presumably romantic love will hold things together while trudging through the beautiful mess.

Why it’s beautiful we’re left to imagine for ourselves, but apparently there are no hard feelings. Let’s just survive and hang on — especially to each other. The drop comes just in time; it’s hard to slog through the swamp while gentle strains lull us to sleep. Maybe things will one day fall apart just as the untouchable love’s armour reveals its chink, but for now we’ll get through this day together and face worse days later, when we have more than overwhelming affection to arm us against the battle. A lot of us were helped through a lot of adolescence that way, and anyone listening to this song will know that feeling. 7/10.

Christy Wareham

[yahoo-roto-arcade-blog]

Look past buzzy names for MORE fantasy draft bargains on these three teams

Will Amari Cooper eclipse Michael Crabtree in 2017? Yahoo Fanalyst Liz Loza isn’t so sure.

Fantasy flip (part 2): one team, two players, even more opposing values

Finding players with clear paths to touches and targets is the name of the game in fantasy. Sometimes a team’s pecking order, however, doesn’t guarantee volume. Building on last week’s piece, I highlight two players on the same team and explain why the less popular option is the better overall choice. Welcome to part two of fantasy flip!

[Pick one winner a week. Play Survival Football for chance at $100K]

Amari Cooper, WR, Oakland Raiders (21.2 ADP, WR9) Like my colleague, Scott Pianowski, I’m torn on Cooper’s value. I do believe him to be an ascending talent whose production has increased steadily over the past two years. Ranking eighth among WRs in yards and excelling after the catch with an average of 3.6 yards per target last year, Cooper’s evolution could very well continue into 2017.

Except for those touchdowns…

Targeted 13 times in the red area of the field and converting just 5 of those opportunities, Cooper’s 2016 effort fell flat from a fantasy perspective. Additionally, for the second straight year he faded by November, averaging nearly 6 catches per game over the first 10 weeks and barely 3 receptions per outing over the season’s final stretch. The truth is, the Raiders don’t have to force the ball to the 23 year old. Not with boundary specialist Michael Crabtree and goal line gremlin Marshawn Lynch on the roster.

Michael Crabtree, WR, Oakland Raiders (46.0 ADP, WR21) Entering his age 30 season and coming off a year that ended with a concussion, Crabtree has his share of red flags. His consistency, however, is not one of them. Averaging 14 fantasy points per game in back-to-back campaigns, Crabtree has posted nearly identical stat lines (85-922-9and 89-1,003-8 and) in 2015 and 2016.

Since moving to Oakland he’s been a solid WR2 for fantasy purposes, earning over 22 percent of the red zone target share in each effort. A technician with toes that even the most prima of ballerinas envy, Crabby has amassed 17 spikes since entering the Black Hole. A regression wouldn’t surprise me, except it hasn’t happened yet, and in the fourth round there doesn’t seem to be a safer bet.

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LeGarrette Blount, RB, Philadelphia Eagles (53.0 ADP, RB25) After logging over 300 total touches and crossing the goal line 18 times in 2016, Blount’s lead-up to the fall has been as underwhelming as watching a cloudy sky through a cereal box. With legs that appear to be zapped of all power, the former Patriot totaled just 17 yards on nine carries over the first two weeks of the preseason. While Coach Pederson calls him a “beast” there are plenty of other whispers suggesting his roster spot is far from safe.

With Ryan Mathews released, there is a massive opportunity for Blount, especially on early downs and near the end zone. However, after underwhelming in camp and in an offense that likes to feature pass-catching backs, Blount’s appeal has expired faster than a bottle of over-priced green juice. While some are expecting Wendell Smallwood to earn the lead back job, I’d bank on Darren Sproles seeing the most fantasy friendly touches.

Darren Sproles, RB, Philadelphia Eagles (161.4 ADP, RB67) The same people who are (finally) pounding the table in favor of Frank Gore’s value were rolling their eyes at Sproles’ potential last year. Yes, he’s old. Yes, he’s small. He’s also one of the league’s most durable backs, having missed just seven games since 2007. Averaging nearly 11 fantasy points per game last year, Sproles closed out 2016 as a top-twenty-five producer in PPR formats. He was also hyper-efficient on the ground, managing 4.9 YPC when facing a base front. Compare that to Blount’s 4.0 YPC when taking on an equivalent number lineman.

Under the tutelage of Frank Reich – who was the architect of the Chargers’ offense the year Danny Woodhead posted an 80 catch season – Sproles saw nearly 5 targets per contest, which was the sixth most among RBs last year. A focal point of the offense, the 34-year-old “satellite back” racked up 13 red zone looks, just behind Nelson Agholor (17) and Zach Ertz (16). Expected to be even more involved in the passing game this year, Sproles is the late-round gift that keeps on giving.

[Now’s the time to sign up for Fantasy Football! Join for free]

Keenan Allen, WR, Los Angeles Chargers (36.3 ADP, WR16) On a recent episode of the X’s and Y’s Podcast, in the midst of a discussion about going RB/RB with back-to-back picks and regarding the hairiness of the third and fourth rounds, I admitted to owning a good number of shares in Allen. Due to roster construction, I wanted to chase upside with my WR1 selection.

From volume potential (he averaged 11 targets per game in 2015) to catch rate (the third best in the league in 2015), Allen has more promise than a gymnasium full of Keepers. Let’s not forget, he announced his NFL arrival with a top-twenty fantasy effort and is just two years removed from a campaign in which he was on pace for over 1,400 yards and eight scores. That’s straight ceiling. As my friend John Evans likes to say, however, his floor is “the subbasement of a cellar.”

Having started just nine games over the past two years, Allen’s durability is a warranted concern. While he’s certainly flashed (keeping optimists like myself hooked), he’s also shown an inability to stay healthy and/or focused (remember when music was his passion back in 2014?), which has prevented him from fulfilling his potential. With Mike Williams unlikely to make a major impact this year, I’m willing to gamble on Allen’s health, but I wouldn’t roll my eyes at the manager fixed on taking a more conservative approach… especially if it means waiting six rounds for Ty the Tyro.

Tyrell Williams, WR, Los Angeles Chargers (99.5 ADP, WR41) Gifted with athleticism and opportunity, Williams became one of last season’s hottest waiver wire adds. Philip Rivers’ favorite target in 2016, the Western Oregon alum averaged over 13 fantasy points per game, posting a 69-1,059-7 stat line. Impressing after the catch, Williams burned DBs for 439 yards once the ball was in his hands, ranking among the top-eight WRs in this statistical category.

Even after establishing a solid run game, and with a number of young difference makers on defense, the Chargers are still going to keep the ball in the air. Last year Philip Rivers amassed the tenth most attempts per game, and the team has been among the most pass-happy offenses since 2012. Set to garner less defensive attention with Allen back, and given his stellar catch radius, Williams should conservatively produce high-end WR3 fantasy numbers. FF: 68-963-9

Share your favorite fantasy flips with Liz on Twitter @LizLoza_FF.

[shayne-or-something-blog]

Episodes 14-16

Ash and co. didn't just take the bike road thing from Cerulean to Vermilion and it ended up taking them like a month.

Lt. Surge fucks up Pokemon, on the real.

Ash actually throws a punch at Misty but Joy catches it mid-air. Joy is a kung fu legend low key.

Why would you send a Pidgey against Lt. Surge?

Pikachu has absorbed an actual bolt of lightning and had an entire power plant thrown into it's cheeks, I don't understand it's power growth through the series.

Surge is at least twice Misty's age and height but hits on her anyway, but calls Ash (same age) baby.

Surge calls Pikachu a baby pokemon, kickstarting the idea for Pichu.

Surge sends out Raichu but to add an air of mystery he says "Go Pokeball" instead of using his Raichu's name.

Raichu is so dope, I wish it were better in game.

Surge and his Raichu are so in sync they even mock Pikachu and Ash in unison.

Pikachu got OHKO'd by a Thundershock, furthering my misunderstanding of it's power level.

So Team Rocket thinks Pikachu isn't worth stealing if it loses to Raichu, but Pikachu loses to every new starter Pokemon when Ash goes to other regions. What even is Ash's Pikachu?

Joy just happens to be carrying around the Thunderstone as she "stumbled across Ash" as he was talking about Pikachu getting stronger.

I'm genuinely curious what Pokemon think about evolving and this episode only teases me on the subject. I really wish they would expand on this.

Pikachu slaps the Thunderstone out of Ash's hand but doesn't evolve when touching the stone. So do Pokemon have to want to evolve when they touch evolution stones? Is that why the Clefairy didn't evolve in the Mt. Moon episode?

Pikachu is gonna beat Surge to defend it and Ash's honor, part of me wonders if seppeku would happen should Pikachu lose a second time.

Brock drops a "perhaps there is a way" but doesn't explain what that way is.

Misty asks "how do you see a star in the middle of the day?" but the sun is a star???

The Challenger's Cheerleaders bit goes on for too long and I hate it.

The giant red R, crazy hair, talking Meowth, and first line of their motto wasn't enough to think Team Rocket would be recognized.

Raichu just starts whipping the fuck out of Pikachu with it's tail, either this is Tail Whip or some move not in Gen 1. Either way it shouldn’t hurt.

For Surge saying he taught Raichu all of it's electric moves it has only used 1 but 3 Normal type moves.

Raichu getting danced around by Pikachu is so dope.

Why does everyone in this show have inner ear problems? Raichu watches Pikachu run in circles a few times and ends up getting the faint eyes.

Raichu only has enough juice for literally one Thunderbolt and that's it.

Raichu and Surge are actually just punks.

The Thunder Badge looks like a sunflower.

5 people clapping sounds like an entire golf course for some reason.

Why does Pikachu just shock the fuck out of Ash for 20 full seconds of celebration?

Tan Jesse and James really creep me out, like, an inordinate amount.

I say rad all the time, thank you very much, Ash.

Every high-pitched "cool" trans-James cooed made me legit squirm.

First showing of Giovanni, weird voice distortion and Persian to Meowth jealousy. I'm confused on what they want Team Rocket to be in the anime. Sometimes they're just buffoons but here they're supposed to be serious criminals.

How do you look at the hardness of a Squirtle shell?

Spinning Tackle isn't a move, this trainer is stupid.

Somehow Super Fang knocks out Starmie even though that attack can only half the target's HP.

If Team Rocket does steal all the Pokemon, does that go agianst the 6 Pokemon at a time rule or would they be able to carry more like Damien?

Stun Spore almost KO'd Raticate from full  health...what?

MOTHERMAGIFUCKINGKARP

Magikarp seller guy is the definition of a pyramid scheme.

Ash said he put a lot of work into training Butterfree but he legit caught it, mummified some Pokemon, evolved to Metapod, hardened a bunch, fucked up a Beedrill and then evolved to Butterfree. He's done like, nothing with it had actually one battle.

DON'T YOU TRADE THAT FUCKING BUTTERFREE ASH

Knowing what happens to Butterfree down the line, I wonder what would have happened had Ash kept Raticate from this episode.

Giovanni's voice distortion is just a constant thing I guess? It still sounds weird even when he's not talking to anyone.

Why are Jesse and James left in charge of all of this? What past accomplishments would make it seem like they were qualified for this?

Some Rocket members just vaccuum up Pokemon but when it came to Ash and Pikachu they were politely asked to give up their Pokemon?

Recycled Pikachu jumping from a desk thing from the Pokemon Center episode.

The best way for Pokemon to combine attacks is in a pyramid formation.

Ash didn't even give Raticate a chance, it could've been in the top percentile, it could’ve been Alolan.

Ash gains full control over all the duplicate Pokemon for some reason.

You'd think Team Rocket would think about the possibility of an entire cruise ship of Pokemon Trainers fighting back.

Ash is a takesybacker on this trade thing.

The trade machine has the same buttons as a tape player? To trade you hit the record button.

What does a trade machine do in this world? Damien's Charmander willingly uncaught itself for Ash, what if Butterfee did the same for Colonel Sanders trainer?

This Captain just asked anyone who didn't escape the ship to say Aye...like, how did you get a job?

How did Jenny learn all of the main chars names? Were the tickets that Jesse and James gave out named or on a guestbook maybe? If it was the latter wouldn’t that have sunk with the ship too?

Brock and Misty are awfully calm for being at the bottom of the ocean.

We see fish in the water, are those Pokemon or are there real animals in this world?

James is the only person who takes being sunk seriously.

Jesse orders Ekans to use Acid to melt a hole in the floor, but they're upside down so is the floor the ceiling or is the ceiling the floor? Regardless it makes water immediately fill the room so they must have been right on the hull but have to spend the rest of the episode finding the hull.

Children's show gets really dark about dying in this ship.

FUCKING GOLDEEN WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO

Goldeen bringing something from outside the ship is weirdly reminiscent of the olive branch from Noah's Ark, a weird reference for a show based off evolution.

What better time for Ash and co. to battle Team Rocket then as they're all in imminent peril of drowning.

How fucking convenient is it that Misty once built a model replica of the St. Anne ship and thus knows how to escape??????????????????????

So bringing out Pokemon earlier made the ship rock back and forth, sending out Pokemon now does nothing.

James called Jesse, Jessica and that fucked up my headcanon.

What kind of grip does Bulbasaur have to fully support Ash, Misty, and Brock while just standing on a ledge? That dude has the most powerful suction cup feet of all time.

So they use Charmander, the fire-type Pokemon, to burn a hole through the hull instead of just using Ekans like before, leading to what I assume was supposed to be a funny Charmander running for it’s life scene.

These Pokemon used Waterfall and that wasn't Gen 1.

Team Rocket needs a water Pokemon and it's basically a Magikep Ex Machina, but it isn't an Ex Machina because it's a Magikarp.

300 dollars is apparently all of Jesse and James' salary for the next month? How do they live on that?!

OH, they actually reference Noah and the branch, holy shit

Pikachu is genuinely peeved Team Rocket didn't die at sea.

Why didn't they return Magikarp to it's Pokeball instead of just letting it splash on this floating platform they're on for a full day.

They all want to eat Magikarp, so is that a thing in this show? Do people eat Pokemon? What is meat in this world?

All it took for Magikarp to evolve was a day of splashing and a kick to the face.

"Careful who you call ugly in high school" moment as Gyarados shows up.

Why do they not just return the Gyarados to the Pokeball?

Meowth can understand Pokemon but doesn't know what Gyarados is saying.

It takes 5 Gyarados to pull off Dragon Rage.

Doesn't Dragon Rage only do like, 40 damage? This seems a lot stronger than 40 damage.