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bruciewayne · 6 years ago

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they got it right. (the butterfly effect remix)

remix of itsallavengers' the butterfly effect. there's an ao3 link somewhere. and a masterpost somewhere, if you want to check them out.

“Bucky’s alive, and he killed Tony’s parents.”

Loki’s words from earlier spin around Steve’s mind, over and over, he’s hardly paying attention to what Fury’s saying, something about ‘being a team’, making the Avengers official. Steve’s fine with that, he’s pretty much only good for war anyway, but all that’s going through his head are those damn words.

Loki had been disguised as Steve, he’d claimed that he wasn’t Loki, but he’d called Stark ‘Tony’. Steve’s almost certain that they’ll never end up on first-name basis.

None of it made any sense, he saw Bucky die, he saw him fall, he heard his scream, still, most nights, Howard died in the 90s, half a century after Bucky did. But then again, he’s alive, 70 years after he thought he was done, after he should be done.

“The Good Captain, daydreaming, are you?” Stark’s voice cuts through his thoughts, from across the conference table.

Steve doesn’t hate him, not after the battle, after the nuke, after how seamlessly they managed to fight, but he’s not sure that he likes him. Tony Stark is an asshole. By all definitions. But he can’t deny that he’s a hero, Steve was wrong before, he’ll freely admit it, Tony Stark is an ass, but he’s also a hero. Steve respects that.

He also can’t deny that the guy has some sort of inexplainable pull, like he’s the world’s brightest light and Steve’s the world’s most confused moth.

“If that’s what they call thinking now,” Steve says, instead any of the moth-bullshit.

It’s fun to play up to the ‘confused old guy’ shtick. He has to. Find joy in it or let it get to him. He has the chance for a new life, he’s not going to spend it miserable. He might even get a chance to live it with Bucky. If Loki was telling the truth.

Stark rolls his eyes and drums his fingers on the tabletop, “We gotta get you more caught up. Anyway-”

The focus shifts back to something else, and before he knows it, everyone’s standing up and shaking hands and leaving.

“Stark, a word?” Steve asks, just as he’s about to leave, the last person, save for Steve himself, who’s still sitting down.

Stark looks confused for a moment but then sits back down, “Sure, Cap, what can I do for you?”

Tony’s pretty sure that he’s gonna try and apologise again, as much as he was a dick back in the helicarrier, Rogers is exactly the way Aunt Peggy described him, but nothing like the way his dad did. Except that he is.

Tony’s not sure what to think of him, he’d never admit it, but Rogers confuses the hell out of him. He’s just as good as the history books, Aunt Peggy and his dad say, Tony’s never been the best at reading people, but even in the way he talks and holds himself, there’s this unmistakable good that he radiates, pure and simple, but at the same time, there’s a melancholy air about him, like a rain cloud above his head. He’d seen him smile once, we won, and it was bright, sunny, like the rainclouds had gone.

And then he’d never seen it again, even though, in the past few weeks, they’ve seen each other quite a bit, but he’s never seen him smile, he’s seen the horribly fake one he puts on for the press and for people who thank him for his duty, and for some reason that tugs at the heartstrings Tony pretends not to have, more than when he watches Rogers drop completely, when he thinks no-one’s looking. It’s not obvious, but his shoulders go from perpendicular to his neck to obtuse.

It tears Tony apart a little, when he sees him, back ramrod straight, every single muscle tensed, when they’re just talking.

He carries the world on his shoulders, Tony realises, because he thinks that it’s his duty. Even though he doesn’t even really know him, not really, hours worth of bedtime stories didn’t count, it feels like a universal wrong for someone that good to be so, so sad but he’s never met a problem he couldn’t solve.

So even though Steve Rogers is a bit of an asshole, he’s also sad, nothing like the guy Aunt Peggy talks about, and yeah, he doesn’t know him, but, if anything, he deserves to be happy.

Stark gives Steve his undivided attention, and a little part of him is pleased, smug, that he’s managed to capture it, Stark is a genius, Howard and a half, maybe, definitely, more, and it’d been almost impossible to get Howard to focus solely on one thing.

Steve's throat closes up, it’s stupid. But he has to make sure, just check. If Loki was right, Stark deserves to know, if he wasn’t, then it didn’t matter.

“Come on Cap, neither of us are getting any younger,” Tony prompts, Rogers is scared, apprehensive of something, it’s plain on his face. It’s making Tony scared, because, despite everything in the last few weeks, Captain America was his childhood hero, he was invincible, to see him scared…

Steve takes a shaky breath, he can’t break down in front of Stark, he respects him, he’s not too sure the respect is mutual, and he’d lose it if there were any if he broke down now, “Loki told me something, Bucky, my friend from before the war, he’s alive. And, and he killed your parents.”

Stark looks at him for a moment, then stands up and leaves.

Tony leaves, he had to, he, God, he’s not going to have a panic attack in the middle of a SHIELD hallway. He makes it a couple steps down and finds an empty office, full of boxes, he stumbles in, locks the door and slides down to the floor.

He takes a few deep breaths, tries to slow down his heart, presses a hand to his arc reactor, waits for the dark spots to fade.

One of them had to be lying. Rogers or Loki. Loki. Probably, hopefully. God, he hopes.

If it is true, first thing, he has to run checks to see if Rogers’ friend is alive, somehow, and then, find footage of the crash.

He’d tried, before, he’d looked at everything he could, every single tape he could find, through legal and more creative means, he’d tried and tried and tried, countless sleepless nights, running on coffee, Adderall, scotch and other, more creative things, right until Aunt Peggy had come in and held him as he cried, and told him to put them to rest.

Logically, it couldn’t be true, Rogers’ friend would’ve been well into his 70s, not to mention that he’d fallen off a train in the Alps in the 40s. But, by all means, Tony shouldn’t be alive, neither should Rogers.

Tony’s never been the guy to stick to petty things like ‘logic’ anyway.

So he gets himself together and goes back to the conference room, where Rogers still is, facing out towards the city below them, standing at parade rest.

Stark didn’t believe him, Steve didn’t blame him, he had to move on, both of them. It’s unfair to him for Steve to bring back his parents’ death, from over 20 years ago, just because he still has his hangups.

He gets up, and then looks over the city, it’d changed so much, cleaner, taller, bluer, but the people were the same, New Yorkers are just as rude and uncaring as they were. As much as he doesn’t like rude people, he finds it oddly comforting. After losing everything, everyone, his home is still somewhat the same.

Not really. His home isn’t his anymore.

He’s crying before he knows it, tears silently sliding over his cheeks and dripping on the star in the center of his chest. He fucking hates it. Everyone and everything he’s ever known is gone, all he has is Captain America, the next fight.

He wipes the tears away, the leather of his gloves scratch roughly on his face, probably leaving marks that’ll fade in seconds. He reminds himself that there’s no point in crying, he’s here, he has to deal, that or die, and people are counting on him, so that’s not an option.

Deal or die. The ice has already proved that he can’t die, so he has to deal.

He hears the door open after five busses have gone down the same road, probably whoever needs the room next, he turns to apologise and get out, but he sees Stark, a little rumpled, a little breathless, and he gets deja vu, Stark looks like the soldiers after shellshock. He doesn’t ask, it’s rude, and Stark is stable.

“Let’s find your friend,” he says, with a hint of a smile.

“Stark, are you sure, I don’t want to, I don’t want to bring up anything you’ve put to rest, or waste your time, Loki could be lying,” Rogers says, so sincerely, earnestly, fuck he’s such a good guy, through and through.

“Rogers. It’s nothing, I can make an algorithm, have it run, update you on the results,” Tony assures him. He has most of the algorithm already, he just needs to adjust some code blocks and functions, maybe set up auto updates, does Rogers have a phone?

“They gave me something called a Nokia. Agent Barton called it a brick,” Rogers says, out of the blue.

“What?”

Rogers turns bashful, the tips of his ears glow red, and he looks uncharacteristically unsure of himself, “You asked if I have a phone.”

“I was talking out loud, of course,” Tony mutters, “wait, a Nokia? Sorry Rogers, no can do, come to Stark tower tomorrow, 1500 hours, we’ll get you a real phone.”

Whatever SHIELD were doing to introduce him into the century, they weren’t doing a good job.

“Stark--”

“Tony.”

This time, it’s Steve’s turn to be confused, “What?”

“My name. It’s Tony. Use it.”

And with that, he spins around and leaves the room again.

SHIELD’s way of introducing him to the century is by giving him a laptop, explaining the laptop. It’s a computer and a typewriter, under an inch thick and has all the world’s information. It blows Steve’s mind.

As soon as he figures out how to use it, he loves it, SHIELD make him take classes on it, what’s acceptable now, what changed, the wars, the politics, who’s who. They’re doing it a decade a week.

Someone, maybe Agent Romanoff, told him that they were going to give him a tutor and books, but giving him a laptop seemed faster, two birds, one stone she’d said. He’s glad they went about it this way, he could put in all the mandatory hours and then explore, all in his own time.

The next day, he took out his motorbike, making sure that his phone and wallet - they’d given him a ‘debit card’ because he has way more money than he knows what to do with, because someone had managed to convince someone else that, technically, wasn’t KIA, only MIA and he has 70 years worth of backpay - were in his pocket and went off to Stark Tower.

Tony’s at the front, sunglasses perched on his nose, doing something on his phone, leaning against the door. He looks up when Steve stops in front of him.

“Afternoon, Capsicle,” he greets, pocketing his phone.

“Capsicle?”

Tony grins, “Yep, Captain and icicle, Capsicle.”

“Yeah okay,” Steve concedes, a smile forming on his face, he misses the camaraderie and friendship of the Commandos, Tony reminds him of them, a little.

“Right, bring the bike ‘round back, there’s an elevator to my workshop,” Tony says straightening up and walking next to Steve as he slowly drives the bike around the tower.

They put the bike on one of the lower floors and then go up to Tony’s workshop.

The elevator ride is awkward, both of them staring at the numbers blinking higher, silent, elevator music hadn’t disappeared, he’s sure of it.

“Tony,” he says, suddenly, “why doesn’t your elevator play music?”

Tony snaps out of his thoughts and turns to face Steve, he laughs a little, “Everyone complained,” he says, shrugging, “JARVIS can play some for you, if you want.”

“JARVIS?” Is there another person in with them? He couldn’t see anyone but himself and Tony, an invisible person?

“Oh, right, yeah, JARVIS say hi,” Tony says, not to Steve.

“Good afternoon, Captain Rogers,” the… ceiling? says, in a smooth British accent. Tony’s elevator is weirder than he thought.

“Tony,” he says slowly, trying very hard not to break down, “why is there an invisible British man in your elevator?” who knows my name!?

“JARVIS,” Tony says, waving his hand about, in lieu of an explanation.

“Captain Rogers, I am an AI created by Tony Stark, I monitor this building, but I can be accessed through most devices, provided certain circumstances, my primary purpose is to ensure the wellbeing of my creator, you can interact with me by speaking aloud.” The ceiling man - JARVIS, says.

“JARVIS, do you know everything?” Steve asks looking up.

“I know as much as I am accessible to.”

“What are you accessible to?”

“Anything online.”

“What’s my middle name?”

“Grant.”

“Wh--”

“You know you don’t have to look at the ceiling every time you ask him something,” Tony cuts in, a fond smile on his face. He can’t help it. Cap, he’s so curious, and so clearly blown away, and in wonder of JARVIS, he feels a sense of pride, somewhere deep within him, because who knew that Captain America is a huge dork?

He gives Tony a look, “His voice comes from the ceiling, so I’ll talk to the ceiling,” he says, determined.

Before Tony can retort, the doors slide open and he’s greeted with his workshop lighting up.

“Holy shit, Tony,” he hears from his side, in a hushed whisper.

Steve’s eyes are wide as he takes in everything, it’s like he stepped into the future again, it’s- incredible.

Tony feels that tiny spike of pride again, because Captain America swore, that he tries to tamp down, because, yeah, he knows he's great, he’s a classified genius, he doesn’t need some nonagenarian to tell him.

Tony takes Steve and sits him down and begins explaining the algorithm, Steve’s attentive, focussed, he asks questions when he doesn't get something, after, maybe an hour, Tony gets JARVIS to run everything, it’ll take a while, but they have time.

Their conversation ebbs and flows, at a quiet moment, Steve suddenly sits up, “Tony, if he is alive, and he did, cause your parent’s death, what- what happens, I can’t- I--”

“Hey, hey, we’ll deal with it, okay,” Tony reassures, he’s the last guy anyone should go to for comfort, but Steve, he needs the support right now.

Tony gives Steve a Starkphone, a model they’ll release in a couple months, it’s ready, all of it, but something about PR and release times mean that they can’t release it just yet. He shows him how to use it and sets up JARVIS, he’s so full of wonder and gratitude, Tony’s heart aches after him.

They talk about the team, the Avengers, Tony tells Steve his plans, Steve tells his of a road trip, they go out to get dinner together, it’s awkward and stilted, but they might be getting somewhere.

Steve thinks that they’re on the way to becoming friends. He can’t fuck it up. He won’t.

Over the next few months, Tony stays in New York more than he has to, and they become no closer to finding Bucky, but closer as friends. Then Tony dies.

But he doesn’t.

“Can’t kill me,” he’d said, banged up, but with a grin. Because his house got blown up, he had to stay in New York, in the Tower, and then everyone stayed in the Tower, Avengers Tower.

Steve meets Dum-E. This time, it’s Tony who’s absolutely blown away, because Steve smiles so, so bright when he’s in his workshop, playing with Dum-E, it’s ridiculous, and Tony feels a spike of affection, and, love, and fear. Because what if he fucks it up.

When Tony lets Steve meet Dum-E, Steve’s in awe once again, because Tony’s opened up a tiny part of his heart to him, and Steve’s determined to make sure that he doesn’t, won’t regret it.

New York, Brooklyn, it still isn’t really home to him, not anymore, but the Tower, Tony’s workshop, being around Tony, he feels at home.

They become closer, best friends then, something more. They don’t fuck it up.

The first time Tony has a panic attack in front of Steve, it’s from a nightmare, about a month into their relationship.

Steve wakes him up by shaking his shoulder, and Tony lashes out in his sleep, punching Steve right on his cheekbone, the bruise is barely there when Tony comes to, but he still notices it.

“Steve, was that--” Tony asks, voice rough, small. He wouldn’t blame Steve for leaving, for breaking up with him, but God, he hopes that they could still be friends.

“You, yeah, but, hey, hey, Tony, it doesn’t hurt, I’d take a thousand punches to make sure you’re ok,” Steve says, wrapping an arm around him and pressing a kiss to his temple, lingering there for a second.

“Okay, thanks,” Tony mumbles, quiet, because, in that moment, he realises that what he has with Steve, it’s a sure thing.

“You don’t have to thank me, sweetheart, it’s what I’m here for,” Steve says, pulling away to look at Tony, promising him a million different things with one look.

He’s beautiful, in the faint moonlight JARVIS let in, Tony doesn’t deserve him, not in a million lifetimes could he do enough good to ever deserve Steve Rogers, but Steve had chosen him, and he didn’t want to give him any reasons to regret it.

Tony just wraps his arms back around him, holding him tighter, leaning his head just above his heart, listening to it beat, strong and steady, letting it lull him back to a dreamless sleep.

In the morning, Steve kisses his forehead to wake him up, with a cup of coffee, and then asks about what he should do, if Tony has a panic attack again. Tony tells him, what’s dangerous, what he doesn’t want, and Steve listens, pays attention.

Tony tells him what they’re about. The army from space. Steve promises him that they’re ok, that, if he wanted to, he could protect the earth.

It reminds him, strikingly of when Steve’d asked if he has shell-shock, voice curious, not judgmental, a few months into their friendship, when they could easily call each other friends. Tony had given him a crash course in the progress of mental health and attitudes towards it.

They call it PTSD, now. And there’s doctors, head-doctors. To help.

Steve had then, tentatively, asked if he could get him in touch with a head doctor. Which had meant that SHIELD hadn’t bothered.

Yeah, sure.

The first thing Tony had done, after making sure Steve gets the best of the best, was go over to SHIELD and tell them what he thought of bringing a guy 70 years into the future and not even checking him for any trouble upstairs.

Tony loves him. It doesn’t hit him, it’s not like a truck to the face, it’s not violent, loud, it’s relief, finallysomething, somewhere, says.

Good thing he loved him back.

Then SHIELD falls. Oversight, protection, it’s needed, but not like that.

Steve wakes up in DC General, Tony’s by his bedside, with Sam, music’s playing, but he only has one thing on his mind.

Tony hugs him, kisses him, desperately, Sam leaves them with a knowing smile.

“You’re not allowed to die, Steve- I--” Tony chokes out, he can’t lose him.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby, I’m right here,” he says, hoarsely, kissing him, over and over.

He’s not allowed to be discharged just yet, so he convinces Tony to sleep in the hospital bed with him, he has to hold him, and he has to tell him.

His heart is beating a million miles an hour, Tony can probably hear it, feel it, he doesn’t want to fuck this up, he can’t.

“Tony, he was right, Tony, Loki was right, Bucky, he, the Winter Soldier killed them,” Steve rushes out, all in one breath.

Tony sits up, suddenly, jolting the bed. Steve grunts a little. “Sorry,” he murmurs, kissing Steve on the forehead.

Tony looks down at Steve and his heart just breaks, Steve looks nothing short of terrified, something he hadn’t seen on him in, years now, he’s looking him in the eye, his eyes are so, so, blue, bright and unrepenting, guarded, his hair’s a mess on his forehead, flopping over his eyes.

It hits Tony, just how much he’s changed since he met him, Steve was, confused, mostly, lost, scared, he used to pretend that he wasn’t, for fear of seeming weak, Tony remembers Steve telling him, when he thought that he was asleep, quietly.

He was so, so guarded, and tense, all the time, now, he’s vulnerable to him, he’s changed and grown so, so much, Tony’s so goddamn proud of him.

He takes a deep breath, “Okay, thank you for telling me.”

“Tony, he was, he’s brainwashed, it wasn’t--” Steve rushes to say, almost pleading, what for, he doesn’t know. For Tony to not leave him, maybe.

“It wasn’t him, I know,” Tony says, softly.

He’s made his peace with it, he’s had two years to entertain the possibilities, but he knows what it means: his boyfriend's previously-dead, now-brainwashed assassin, killed his parents.

It doesn’t look pretty, but he can’t change the past, and even if he could, he had to let them rest. But he could help Barnes, find him, see how they could help him.

“Tony, I get it if you want to break up,” Steve says, small and scared. His voice breaks halfway through the sentence, and Tony’s hand immediately comes out to cup his face, thumb stroking gently over the bruise on his cheekbone.

“I don’t, Steve, you told me, I’m happy that you did, but I don’t, I don’t want to break up.”

The reaction is immediate, Steve relaxes under his hand and leans more into his touch, “We’re good,” he whispers, mostly to himself over and over, until Tony wraps an arm around him, mindful of his injuries.

“Yeah, baby, we’re good.”

#steve rogers x tony stark #stony fic #stevetony fic #steve x tony #why deosnt tumblr ahve tag wrnagelers #im annoyed #my writing #my fic #this took me all day #wavin by by to all nines llmao

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tngrayson · 7 years ago

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A New Life - Ch.7 - Blade

A/N: This story is a slight AU that begins roughly around season 9. Reader is Cuthbert Sinclair’s daughter. I do not own Supernatural or any of its respective characters. Only this story’s plot.

Characters: Reader, Cuthbert Sinclair, Sam, Dean, Castiel

Pairing: eventual Dean x Reader, Castiel x Reader (platonic)

Warnings (story): Violence, adult situations

Warnings (this chapter): none

Word Count: 1500

Summary: When you decide it’s time to leave the nest, your father points you in the direction of the bunker. What happens when two strangers show up in your new home?

Catch up here

Dean woke early the next morning. Carefully he pulled his arms from around you, trying not to wake you. He figured you’d be exhausted from the hunt, so he opted to let you sleep a little longer.

You woke up an hour or so later, well rested and in Dean’s bed. Stretching your arms out, you were surprised to find that he wasn’t there. You looked over at the clock on the nightstand, hopping up when you realized it was nearly afternoon..

Walking into the Library, you saw Dean pacing, holding a familiar red book in his hands. You stopped dead in your tracks, knowing what he would probably find within its covers. Your father had a copy of this book in his library at home. Sam looked up at you from his seat, your strange behavior not going unnoticed.

“Hey, you ever hear anything about the First Blade?” Dean asked you, not quite looking up as he continued to pace, flipping a page.

Suddenly, your heart was racing. In fact, you had read quite a few things about the First Blade. It was a nasty thing, a blade that could kill anything--leaving a horrible bloody trail behind it everywhere it had gone. It was rumored to be even worse when it was paired with the Mark of Cain.

Cuthbert would look for the blade off and on, contacting dealers and monsters alike, hoping to add it to his collection one day. Sometimes he would get close, only to lose all traces of it for years at a time. The stories from the lore would give you nightmares as a child, and as a teen you would try to talk your father out of trying to find it when he would get obsessed, arguing that there was no way to have the mark as well since Cain was the last person known to have it and, “what’s the point of searching for one when you know you can never have the other?” He would always smile and respond with, “Pumpkin, If I ever find Cain I’ll put him in my Zoo too.”

“Y/N?” It was Sam.

You blinked, and they were both staring at you now. Crap. “What?” you asked, pretending you hadn’t heard them before.

Dean spoke up, dropping the book to his side. Your eyes were locked on it. “The First Blade. Ever heard of it?”

“No.” You spoke with finality.

“Really?” Sam frowned, searching your face, “You’ve read everything, I’m surprised.”

You swallowed thickly, prying your eyes away from the book in Dean’s hand and trying to calm yourself. “I…I’ve never heard of it.” You lied, hoping it was convincing enough as you turned to make a hasty exit.

You power walked down the hall, heading for the wall of files in the Dungeon to hide away anything else they would find on the First Blade or the Mark of Cain. Even though it could kill anything, you would never have suggested it to Sam and Dean as an option for ganking Abaddon. The price was too high and you were terrified of the monster it would no doubt make out of Sam or Dean over time. Finding the folders you were looking for, you tucked them under your arm and headed for the garage.

Standing at the side of your blue Corvette, you cast a quick glamour on the files. Now, to the common eye, they would look like they only held recipes. You tucked them into your go-bag and hopped in the driver seat and hauled ass out of the Garage. You would have to find another way to kill Abaddon.

You pulled out your phone, dialing your father’s number.

“Hi, Pumpkin! How are things in the fortress?”

“Things are good, Dad.” You were so happy to hear his voice on the other end, it had been weeks since you last talked. “Could I come by in a bit?”

“Of course, Y/N. You don’t have to ask, you know that. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just…I’ll talk to you when I get there-“

“Great! Listen, Pumpkin, since you’re heading this way, I need you to pick some things up for me.”

Sam and Dean looked after your retreating form in inquisitive silence.

Sam cleared his throat. “Did you two..”

“Nope.” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, I don’t know what that was about.”

“So that was-“

“Weird? Yeah.” Dean crossed his arms, thinking. “You think she’s hiding something?”

Sam pulled his laptop closer. He pulled up the digital index you had been working on off and on since you moved in and searched ‘First Blade.’ Immediately he found one result with a note on the file it could be found in along with some books that mentioned it, including the one Dean had in his hands right now. Sam looked up at Dean. “I know she is.” Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Sam and Dean looked through the Archive, but they were unable to find the files and you were gone.

“She’s not answering her phone,” Dean said, typing up a quick text before tucking it back into his pocket.

You parked your car just off the dirt road. Stepping out, you grabbed your bag with the archive folders inside it and carefully balanced the boxes your father had you pick up in your arms along with a couple bags of groceries. You were determined not to make more than one trip. Walking to the center of the clearing where the invisible mansion was hidden, you called out, not wanting to set the boxes down only to pick them right back up. “Dad? My hands are full, can you let me in?” You waited for a moment and there was no answer. You huffed, ready to set the things in your arms on the ground when you heard faint whispering of the spell to get inside. Seconds later, a door appeared out of a thick cloud of smoke and you walked through.

The next thing you knew, the boxes were being taken out of your hands and your father was setting them down on the table in the lab.

“How was the drive?” he asked, grabbing a box and opening it. He was set up to catalog the new ‘collectibles.’

After putting away the groceries in the kitchen, you explained how Abaddon was on the loose and you needed a way to kill her before things could get any worse. You didn’t talk much about Sam and Dean, but he was amused to learn that hunters had taken up roots in the Bunker and he was especially interested since they were Henry’s grandsons. You told him how they had begun to look for the First Blade and how uneasy it made you feel.

“Anyway,” you continued. “I don’t think they’ll ever find it, I mean, you’ve been looking for it for as long as I can remember with no luck.”

Cuthbert snickered quietly as he continued going through the boxes, adding the items to his catalog. You didn’t notice.

“We need to find a different way to kill Abaddon, so I took these so they wouldn’t find them in the archive.” You showed him the thin folders you had nabbed and glamoured. “Do you have any ideas?”

He stopped working, resting his hands on the table as he thought about an alternative. You could practically see the gears turning in his head. “Well, you’re not going to want to hear this, but the First Blade and the Mark of Cain would get the job done.”

You sighed, “Dad. I asked you for a different way to kill her.” Your phone beeped again and you pulled it out, revealing a few missed calls, a text from Sam—‘What are you hiding? We’re friends, Y/N. You can tell me what’s going on.’ And a text from Dean—‘What do you know?’

You shoved your phone back in your back pocket without responding to the messages. How were you going to explain this to them?

“Maybe we can banish her somewhere or I don’t know…blow her up? you said absently.”

Cuthbert took off his reading glasses, breathing on them and wiping the fog away with a handkerchief as he looked at you. “Those hunters are wearing off on you, I can tell.” You just rolled your eyes at him. “Well, you know what I always say.” You did know what he was going to say. “There’s a spell for damn near everything,” you spoke in unison. “You just have to find it,” he finished.

“Will you help me research later, then?” you asked as you made to leave, ready to get a start on dinner.

“Sure thing,” he said, grabbing the last box. “Or you could just borrow this.”

You turned and walked back to his side as he opened the box. Inside it was a massive, sharpened jaw bone that still had the teeth attached to it. The end was wrapped in a leather coil and had been fashioned into a handle.

“Oh my God.” You stepped back.

Cuthbert clapped his hands, rubbing them together with a huge smile on his face as he picked it up and turned it in his hands to inspect it. “I know! Isn’t she a beaut!?”

Your father had finally found the First Blade.

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magzoso-tech · 5 years ago

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The Flux beamo is a $1,500 laser cutter with simple but powerful software

Laser cutters are in a fun place right now. Gone are the days when the cheapest machines were tens of thousands of dollars, and when the “compact” models were roughly the size of a freezer. They’ve gotten affordable enough, and small enough, that a DIY home hobbyist can add it to their toolset without taking out a second mortgage or needing much more than some desk space… but they’re still a rare enough machine that saying “I’ve got a laser cutter!” makes people look at you like you’re a friggin’ wizard.

One of the latest entries into this space is beamo, a compact, 30W laser cutter and engraver built by Flux — a Taiwan-based team you might remember for raising $1.6 million on Kickstarter with its Flux Delta 3D printer/scanner/engraver back in 2014.

As with Delta, Flux is turning to Kickstarter for the launch of beamo. They sprinted past their goal of $25,000 pretty quickly, currently sitting at roughly $350,000 raised with a little over a week to go. The early-bird models are going for $849, with the company pinning the final MSRP at $1,500. Shipping/taxes aren’t included in those prices, and can cost a couple hundred bucks, so factor that in to any purchasing decisions.

While I tend to be a bit hesitant when it comes to crowdfunded hardware (having been burned too many times by products that either never arrived or did arrive only to be total garbage), Flux has been down this road before; in addition to Delta, it also crowdfunded and shipped Beambox (a slightly bigger, pricier, but more powerful laser cutter) just a few months back. In the case of beamo, it seems like the Kickstarter is primarily meant to help get the word out, rather than literally “kickstarting” the process. Production is already underway, and units are already rolling off the line.

Flux sent me one of those early units to check out for a few weeks. I haven’t had it long enough to do what I’d call a “review”; with things like laser cutters with their myriad moving parts and… you know, lasers, new issues can pop up months after you open the box, as components wear and maintenance is required. So consider this more of a “first impressions” kind of thing.

My first impressions, though, are good.

For reference, I’d classify myself laser experience as… moderate. More than most people you’d randomly ask, I’d wager, but less than if it were my job. I’ve put a hundred hours or so into training/creating with those aforementioned freezer-sized pro lasers, making everything from custom etched pint glasses, to bespoke Christmas ornaments, to personalized rubber stamps over the years. I tend to look for excuses to shoot lasers at things.

Getting it running

My beamo unit came ready to go right out of the box, mirrors aligned, moving parts all lubed up. I plugged it in, set up some basic ventilation, ran through about 10 minutes of software installation and configuration and started firing away. It all just worked on the first shot.

Speaking of ventilation: you’ll need it. Laser cutting is basically a tiny, super controlled fire… and that means smoke. Depending on what you’re cutting, that smoke can be super noxious. Cutting wood? It won’t smell too bad, but it’s still not something you want in your lungs on the regular. Etching a logo into felt? It’ll smell like you’re burning a trash can full of hair. Beamo uses a 200CFM exhaust fan to pull smoky air out of the machine, dumping it out through a 4″ exhaust hose that you’ll need to run through a window (or, if you’re feeling extra fancy, a dryer exhaust-style vent through a wall.) Expect to need about 8″ of clearance between the machine and any wall behind it for the exhaust hose and its bends, unless the path to the window is a straight shot.

The exhaust system is decent, but you’ll probably need to fiddle with how the hose runs to get it just right. If you’re venting through a window, you’ll want to figure out a way of sealing up the open gaps around the hose to limit any fumes that might float back into the room. Put time into getting it right. If the room still smells smokey hours after you’ve cut, you’ll want to keep working on your ventilation. You don’t want to breath that stuff in, especially if you’re running the laser more than occasionally.

Beamo’s built-in touchscreen. You’ll mostly control it over Wi-Fi, but you can access some basic functionality and monitor job progress here.

If you’re new to laser cutting, you should also put the time into learning what you shouldn’t put in these machines. Some materials are safe to laser cut, but tend to catch on fire easily. Some materials will just melt and screw up your machine. Other things (PVC!) will straight up emit chlorine gas when you hit them with a laser. If you’re moving beyond the basics of cutting thin wood/acrylic/cardboard or engraving glass, research it.

So what SHOULD you cut? Woods are a good go-to (though you’ll want to limit it to less oily stuff — because, again, fire). Cardboard is fun to cut for things like spray paint stencils. Leather is good, with practice, and you can do all sorts of really neat stuff with acrylic. You can’t cut glass, but you can engrave it; same goes for rubber, though that’s one you’ll want to source from a place that sells materials known to be laser safe.

The thickness of the material you can cut tends to be limited by a laser’s wattage, while height/width is generally limited by the size of the work area. At 30W, beamo’s laser can slice its way through wood about 1/8″ thick; its work area, meanwhile, comes in at 11.81″ x 8.27″. You can make a lot of cool stuff within those bounds, but be aware of them — buying a bunch of material only to get it home and realize you’re a few watts short of a complete cut is a bummer. If you foresee needing deeper cuts or bigger pieces, beefier lasers exist without too massive a leap in price. As examples: Flux’s other laser cutter, the $2,500 Beambox, bumps the laser up to 40W and the work area up to 15.7″ x 14.7″; the $2,500 base model from competitor Glowforge comes in at 40W with a work area of roughly 11″ x 19.5″.

(One potential advantage of beamo over the company’s previously released Beambox: whereas Beambox requires you to regularly fill up a water cooling reservoir to keep it running, beamo’s water cooling is closed-loop, so the same water just keeps circulating. I’m interested to see how this holds up over time.)

Fire the lasers!

Got everything plugged in, ventilation set up and your materials purchased? Time to cut! Well, almost.

You’ll mostly be controlling beamo through Beam Studio, a free piece of software provided by Flux for Windows, macOS and Ubuntu. As far as laser cutting software goes, I’m really quite pleased with it so far.

Beam Studio is super straightforward, but darn powerful for a free companion app. If you’re looking to cut out basic shapes, etch text or lay down some bezier curves, it can do it. Want to etch a picture of your dog into some wood to make a keychain? Just drop an image onto the work area, scale as desired, then move a slider to tweak the black/white threshold until it looks right. You can work in layers, setting up a raster layer to be etched and then a vector layer to cut it out immediately after.

Beamo has a built-in camera system, allowing you to quickly scan the work bed before dragging and dropping your designs wherever you want them. The first time you connect to beamo, you’ll be asked to calibrate the camera — a process that was considerably simpler than I expected. Put a piece of paper on the work bed, and beamo will fire a quick test pattern into it. Beam Studio will then snap a picture of what it just etched, projecting an overlay of where it thinks the test pattern is versus its scan. Nudge the overlay around until everything is perfectly stacked, and you’re set. You’ll want to re-run this alignment process every once in a while (it’s quick) if you need precise placement.

The camera system here really is incredibly useful. After about 30 minutes with beamo, I was doing things that are at best annoying on camera-less cutters — things like etching a design, cutting it out, then immediately flipping the cut piece and etching on the other side without worrying about precarious placement. I just rescanned the work bed, dragged the image where I wanted it on the freshly cut side B, and fired away.

The camera is quick, but not instant. Scanning the entire work area takes about 60 seconds. If you only need a certain area scanned (like, say, the top half of the work area, or the rough area around something you’ve already cut), fortunately, that’s an option. Just drag the scanning boundary box accordingly.

If you need to do something beyond what the free software can handle (or if you just prefer working in apps like CorelDraw or Illustrator), Beam Studio can import JPGs, PNGs and SVGs.

While more capable than I expected, the software isn’t without its quirks. Beam Studio will try to keep you updated with a progress ticker, but don’t rely on it too much for predicting timing. I’ve had projects shoot up to 40% in the first 30 seconds, only to take five minutes for the rest to complete. There was an occasion or two where the software threw out an error in Mandarin that I didn’t want to dismiss without a quick pass through Google Translate… but for the most part, it was solid, stable and fun to use.

In its base configuration, beamo’s laser is manually focused, meaning you’ll need to focus things by hand each time you place new material inside the machine. Fortunately, focusing it is super straightforward: put material in, rotate a piece of acrylic attached to the laser head, lower the laser head until the acrylic is just barely touching the material, then lock the laser head back in place and lift the acrylic out of the way.

Flux says that it’ll ship a $250 add-on module that introduces autofocus to the mix, but I didn’t get to test that. They’re also working on a $499 rotary add-on that will let you etch designs onto cylindrical items (think shot/pint glasses), but out of the box, it’s flat stuff only.

As with every single laser I’ve ever worked with, working with a new material — or even, sometimes, the same material from a different source — requires some fiddling. You’ll be tweaking the speed at which the laser moves, the power of the laser and how many passes it makes over the same path; you want to keep the power low enough to minimize scorching and maximize the life of the laser, while making sure you’ve done enough repeat passes to cut completely through. Beam Studio comes with a bunch of presets for different materials that can get you pretty close (and you can save your own favorites, once you’ve found them), but expect to experiment a little when you’re working with a new material for the first time. Buy extra material.

As for noise: operating with fans running full force, it’s not what I’d call “quiet,” but it’s not so loud that it’s uncomfortable to sit next to. The company’s specs pin it at around 65 db — louder than your average conversation, but a bit quieter than, say, a vacuum. The fans do whir endlessly when the machine is idling, so you’ll probably want to cut the power between cutting sessions.

If for some reason you need to open the lid while the laser is operating, beamo’s built-in automatic kill switch will cut power to the laser to protect your eyes. Close the lid again and the job can be resumed right from where you left off. While the company says that the acrylic lid provides sufficient eye protection for beamo’s 30W Class 1 laser (though they note that you shouldn’t stare right at the laser beam, lid or not), I absolutely recommend picking up and wearing a pair of CO2 laser safety goggles, especially when it comes time to pop the machine open and do any maintenance. Speaking of…

Foreseeable maintenance

Maintenance is an inevitable part of owning a laser cutter. As noted, I’ve only had the laser set up for a few weeks and everything came well configured, so I haven’t had to go digging under the hood yet. If something suddenly breaks on me during my time with the cutter, I’ll update this post accordingly. But either way, maintenance will be part of the process for owners.

Even if nothing breaks unexpectedly, some of the parts involved are “consumable” and thus expected to wear down with use. The lens, mirror and laser tube, for example, are expected to last about a year with regular use, according to the company’s estimates. The team says those parts should cost about $19, $9 and $139 to replace, respectively, and you’ll be able to buy them through their online store. Plan ahead for those recurring costs, and make sure you’re comfortable with the idea of eventually tearing the machine apart before you dive in.

You’ll also need to keep things clean to keep them operating well. Burning stuff dirties the optics, and dirty optics lead to weaker cuts and faster wear. You’ll want to pop the work bed out regularly to get rid of any debris, and keep all the moving bits lubed. There’s more to keeping a laser cutter working well than say, an inkjet printer.

Overall, though, so far so good. The machine looks pretty great on a table; it’s not quite as shiny and Apple-y as a Glowforge, but it should blend into a home office or studio pretty easily. It’s light enough to be easily moved by two people, and took me all of a few minutes to get up and running. If you don’t mind the occasional software hiccup, can figure out sufficient ventilation, are mostly working on projects that fit within beamo’s wattage/work area capabilities and are down to get under the hood for maintenance, beamo seems like a solid machine so far.

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justmilah-archive · 8 years ago

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Call of the Sea (2/?) | Millian

Yep, so apparently I had decided to write more of this. Apparently, where the first part was 1500 words, this one decided to be almost 3700. Who knows, maybe part three will be 700 words. (Or, yegads, 7,000.)

(I really should get off my lazy rump and get these on a03 and ff.net, but meh, tagging’s a pain in the rear.)

I feel like I’m finding her voice a bit more. That makes me happy!

Part 1

Title: Call of the Sea (2/?) Rating: T (for suicidal thoughts and depression) Summary: A couple of weeks after their first meeting, Milah finds the Jolly Roger in port again. He’s angry about the day, she confronts him about it, but before that she had doodled on a piece of paper. And before that, Baelfire

(I don't know how to write children but fortunately for that Baelfire always came across as having a progressed vocabulary for his age.)

xxx

There were moments when Milah almost believed Baelfire would be enough. If they lived anywhere else, if it were just the two of them, he surely would have been. While the young boy ran underfoot as she did household chores, helping in the way only a young child could, it was the most she had believed it since that night her husband had sold their future.

Baelfire would normally be with his father in town but even though he had been given the cure weeks ago, both parents had come to the rare agreement that the boy should stay close to home. They were not sure if the potion held any side effects, or that it had completely healed him. Milah wondered if Rumple did not also have another motive. Perhaps he hoped leaving her alone more with their son would show her that he would be enough, that they would be enough.

What Rumple did not know was Milah already knew her son was enough. But it was such an unfair burden to put on the boy. What if one day her weakness became stronger than even the deep seated knowledge that her child loved her? What if one day that tiny voice finally convinced her to just walk into the sea and keep going? That should not be a burden her child should have to bear.

What would another child have done for her? Or more? Could they have been enough to keep that tiny voice? She knew she would have loved them as much as she did Baelfire either way but that opportunity had been taken from her.

"Mama, what's this?"

"What is what, dearest?" Milah dried her hands, wet from the washing she had been working on. When she saw the small rock her son held in his tiny fingers her heart gave a curious sort of flutter.

A part of her felt guilty that she should even have it in the house but it was so innocuous of a trinket that she could not resist. "That is a fake memory stone."

She knelt down beside him and guided his wrist up close to the flickering candlelight. "The real ones are supposed to hold memories. But this one holds the colors of the sea."

He leaned forward to get a better look, eyes wide and mouth opened. "Pretty. Where'd you get it?"

"A friend." It felt safe to call the pirate captain that in explanation even if she was not sure if it was the case. It was easier to describe him as that than any number of other adjectives that came to mind. "When you were sick he knew I was sad, so he gave it to me."

"Oh." He said it as though he got it, and when he looked over at his tattered and well loved cloth bear, she knew he did. With the exaggerated diligence of all children his age, he delicately placed the stone in the palm of her hand. "I'm glad."

He stood, brushing off his trousers and looked toward the door. He was going to go out, to play, and for him the nightmarish hell of snakebites was a quickly fading memory that only lingered when the nights were too dark and the dreams were too troubled. Milah no longer held the innocence of youth, and while she knew she would let him out, she still reached for him. "Baelfire?"

He looked at her with a quizzical tilt of his head but was easy to comply with the unvoiced request for a hug. Her arms folded around him quickly, holding him close and secure, her hands brushing down his back and through his hair. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He kissed her cheek and she answered by peppering her lips all over his face until he was a giggling mass of wriggling squeals. The sound set her heart light and her smile was easy.

"Stay safe. Don't wander too far." She wanted to tell him not to try to touch any more snakes, or to pet them, or whatever it had been he had wanted to do. "I'll call you when lunch is ready."

He waved at her through the doorway and she struggled against her recent ridiculous urge, to lock him away so he could never be hurt again. Instead, she placed the tiny stone in a small hinged box, nestled on a piece of wool that had been her first failed attempt at spinning.

She was able to keep that light feeling of his giggles in her mind even after her husband came home but he lingered in the corners of her eyes and the room, never out of sight, and she wondered if he hoped he would forgive her if he didn't give her the room to breathe when he was around.

She had been trying. She was trying. But it was still too fresh, despite the weeks that had passed, and having him near like this only reminded her of why she was so angry and left her very little chance to grieve.

So, shortly after lunch, she did what was rapidly becoming a habit. "I'm going to the tavern."

"But Milah, it's barely after midday."

She scowled at him after she made sure Baelfire was otherwise occupied, her voice lowered so he wouldn't hear. "I'm not going there to drink, Rumple. I'm going there so I can think clearly without you hovering."

There were a few more words exchanged, some biting because that was easier and others not, and she left him with instructions on when to put the roast in the stove before she wrapped her shawl around her shoulders and headed out of the small cottage.

---

Milah probably should have said the docks rather than the tavern. But somehow, that stretch of wooden pathways and the bustle of people who had been places other than this small community made her feel as though she might be part of the world and not tucked away from it.

She was surprised when she saw a ship she had only been on once. She had not expected them to be back so soon. Ships were normally gone for months at a time and it had taken her years to memories the few that would come back regularly.

She found a stack barrels that was close enough, one Milah knew would not be moved due the time she spent here, and perched on the edge of the shortest one as she tucked her knees and long legs out of the path of the dockworkers. She wondered if her face was becoming as familiar to them as their's were to her. What did they think of the woman who had recently come to sit out there among them, doing little more than watching the men on the ships or milled about?

A loud, angry shout tore her away from those questions. Eyebrows furrowed, she turned toward the ship, his ship, and wondered if he was as angry as he sounded or if this was how he normally was with his crew. She folded her arms on the taller barrel beside her, chin resting on her wrists, and watched.

At first she was certain this was just how he usually was on the deck when his crew was around. Milah imagined a hard voice and sharp words were important on someplace as dangerous as the sea could be. Then he spotted her on the dock and even from where she sat, as far away as she was, he could see that angry facade falter for just a moment. She knew that look, was intimately familiar with the way his eyebrows sharply creased together as his next order came out with far more than it had before.

After his words remained in that elevated ire Milah slid from the barrel, suddenly realizing she was likely a distraction he did not need at the moment. Smoothing out her skirt she made her announcement to her husband a reality when she walked up the planked wood and toward the tavern.

Off the side of the path she spotted a piece of parchment. Bending down she saw that it was a notice from one of the boards around the port. While it was illegal to tear them down, she felt no guilt in securing it in her hand before slipping into the tavern.

The cost of paper was dear, so much so that she did not mind the smudges of dirt, the wrinkles, or even the notice laden with an emotionless decree on the rising taxation of cabbages on the other side. She would probably scratch the bit of charcoal, normally tucked in the folded waist of her top skirt, around and over the lettering of that side, as well, if she got far enough.

Despite what she told Rumple, she ordered a light ale. It was cheap and let her stay tucked at a table in the back corner of the already bustling establishment. She scribbled little images, each one so close to the next that they were almost the same picture. If she was going to draw, she would leave as little wasted space as possible.

There was the bartender with the mustache she could not quite match, the buxom bar wench who had more or less left her alone after delivering the frothy tankard, and a handful of patrons with features curious enough that she wanted to capture them. She moved on to images in her mind, little scribbles of places she had heard about, birds she had seen, and even that ornery barn cat that chased after her every time she would walk past Old Man Milligan's farm.

She had started on the sails of a ship when she felt the added weight on the bench. Expecting it to be some sort of unwanted company she whipped her head toward her unexpected companion with a threatening bite of warning on the tip of her tongue. The words died and she had to bite back the amused grin when the captain of the ship's sails she was scratching out leaned back a little with raised eyebrows.

Turning back to the slip of paper, more so she did not have to fight that grin, she continued with her sketch. "Have you finished terrorizing your crew, Captain?"

"That is a task which is never done, milady. I am merely giving them a short reprieve."

It was not the first time he had addressed her as such and she gave him a look out of the corner of her eye as she finished the final lines. "I am hardly a lady, Captain. It would be like calling a donkey a horse."

"Or perhaps referring to a flower as a weed?" Her blushed pleased him and she wondered if she should want to punch him for it. "If not milady, what should I call you?"

It had never really occurred to her that she had not given a name. She felt a bit foolish for the oversight and oddly thrilled that he wanted to know. She hoped she hid it well as she straightened her spine and forced her voice to be prim. "You may call me Milah, the same as anyone else."

"Milah." He said it slowly, drawing it out until it was longer than the two syllables it should have been.

She never thought much about her name. To her, it was just a name. But the way it rolled in his mouth and tumbled from his tongue left her inexplicably pleased she had not been named anything else.

She hoped she hid that thought as well when she turned back to him, her sketch finished and left without excuses not to, and tilted her head. "Yes?"

He grinned at her, nice and slow, and it was almost real. "I'm testing the name, lass. I've been curious about it."

There was another blush, damn him, and she took a sip from her tankard, which had grown warm with barely a third gone. He turned to the bar wench, caught her eye, and pointed toward the tankard and held up two fingers.

She was too busy studying him to protest. There was something off, something not quite right in the set of his jaw, the line of his mouth, or how his eyes did not sparkle the way they had when he offered her nearly everything. And while she might not know him well enough, his was a look she was did.

"Are you alright? You're still angry." She caught herself because it was possible she was reading him wrong. "I mean, you seem angry. Or were."

He arched an eyebrow. "What makes you think that?"

Oh, so she had been wrong. "It's just...I thought it was the kind of angry I know, where it's better to be furious at everything than to break."

He studied her for a moment, all of his attention suddenly on her. It felt just as it had that first night, when she had felt he believed her to be the only other person there, and the intensity of all that focus had her dropping her eyes away as it had done then.

"Today is not a good day." He didn't take his eyes off of her as his thumb hooked through a chain around his neck, the one that was more hidden than the other. She saw the glint of thick metal at the end and wondered if it was an unconscious habit or if there was some meaning to the gesture.

Milah wanted to pry, to get him to tell her what it was that would put that look on his face. Is it just today that was bad or was it an anniversary of sorts? Not a good one if that were the case. She wanted to know but he hadn't asked too many questions a few weeks ago and reciprocation of that courtesy felt right somehow.

The new tankards of ale arrived and she felt a moment of distraught when he pushed one to her. It was tempting, would be more fresh and less flat, but to go for it in favor of the old one would likely lead to waste. "I shouldn't. I still have this one."

"There's an easy solution for that, lass." He took her warmed ale and before she could protest it was done. He made a face and shuddered at the flat state of the beverage before putting the empty tankard back down. "That was vile. But now, it appears I owe you a drink. Fortunately, I had the foresight to order one beforehand."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Was pilfering my drink your plan all along, Captain?"

He leaned his elbow against the table and held up a lazy finger in her direction. "It's only 'pilfering' if you have no plan for recompense."

She tilted up her nose but took the fresh tankard. After all, he did owe her. It tasted better, of course, without the overwhelming coating at the back of her throat of the flat one.

"So what brought you to the docks today? Hoping to catch sight of a dashing pirate such as myself, perhaps?" This grin was more like the one from that first night and less than the grimace in disguise from earlier. "Would this mean you've thought of me often?"

This time it was her who arched an eyebrow at him. "Do you always think so highly of yourself, Captain?"

"Of course." It was a quick response, one that was perhaps practiced. The rest of his words were slow to come. "But I was also hoping perhaps I wasn't alone in that."

There was that curious flutter in her chest again and she had to study her tankard for a moment. "I cannot admit to that." There were many reasons why she couldn't, and one of them was the important one. And then there was the other. Still, he had looked almost hopeful, so she could at least offer him part of the truth. "But I can admit that my surprise in seeing your ship again so soon was not of disappointment. Perhaps even pleasant."

"I will gladly take what you can give me."

Her eyes were quick to find his again and she found truth there along with an undercurrent of something else, a hint of promises that she could not fully read. The flutter in her chest turned into a dull, cacophonous thudding and she had to grip her fists in her skirts. "That-- Um--"

"So what's this?" His tone changed back to normal, throwing her for a moment until she realized he was now holding the paper she had scribbled over.

This times her pinkened cheeks were from embarrassment and she tried to hide it with a light laugh. "Oh, that. It's-- They're nothing. I do it when I can. My husband brings me bits of paper when he can. I drew a portrait of our son for his birthday." She refused to do a self-portrait.

Bringing up her husband felt wrong and yet she was aware the reminder needed to be said, for him and for herself. The reminder that Rumple would bring her paper when he could was one she used on herself often.

He took the cue and shifted back on the bench, just an inch. "Well, I imagine when they're something, it's a lovely sight." He set the paper back down far enough away to avoid condensation. "How is your boy? Doing better, I hope?"

It was a better and happier topic for Milah. "Oh, much. Thank you. The price we paid was worth it." That was said with a firm, decisive nod because maybe if she said it outloud it would be. She found out it wasn't so she hurried on.

She shifted again, leaning perhaps a bit too close to him, but it was only because she loved her son and enjoyed talking about him when she could. "He found the stone. I showed him the trick with the light and I think he liked it."

She had to stop herself because she could talk about him for hours but she was not sure if the captain would be that interested. So she went for a new topic. "And what about you? Did you manage to go anywhere exciting on your short trip?"

His grin was sheepish and he scratched the back of his ear. "Not really this last time. We just managed the next port over." He opened his mouth before closing it again and this time he leaned forward. "Would you like to hear about Arendelle? Where the stone is from?"

Milah blinked in surprise, not having realized how far that stone had traveled to get to her. She knew it was the only thing she had that had traveled so far. "I would love that. Is it as cold as they say?"

"Aye. Sometimes." This time his was the grin from that first night, transforming him into someone closer to his true age instead of the added years he had only lived through by experience.

He told her of men who carved ice out from the mountain and the rumors that the prince's new bride was really a fairy with control over ice. He told her that when it snowed the flakes were so big that when one would fall on clothing instead of skin he could nearly count the fractals.

The more he told her the closer she leaned, her ears eager as her eyes tried to read the story of it on his face, to follow along. It sounded amazing, everything he said, even when he told of the scare they had with frostbite.

She was not sure how long had passed but soon she realized that the quiet din of the tavern picked up in noise as more people filed in, looking for an early supper. She had to shake herself in order to remember that she had not really left the tavern, that she still lived in the same small port she always had. The way he spoke, though, she could almost taste the flecks of snow as they fell from the heavens.

Realizing how close they were she leaned back, shoulders falling ever so much a she folded her hands in her lap.

"What is it, Milah?"

She shivered but didn't know why. It was a quick little jolt down her spine. "It's just...I need to get home. Supper will be soon."

"Ah." He leaned back. "May I escort you to the end of the docks again?"

She should refuse. "I would like that."

Somehow, along the way, he wound up with her page of sketches. It started as a little thing, with him offering her a new bauble, something small and discreet but still pretty, and ended with her refusing it for nothing and him insisting her page and a promise that next time he would be allowed to tell her of where it had come from.

She accepted, of course, and her cheeks burned with embarassed pleasure when he shushed her for calling it worthless chicken scratch.

This time, when he kissed her knuckles, there was none of the lingering fear for her child to hide behind. It was warm and lingered perhaps a hair longer than was necessarily proper but it settled nicely into her skin when he was done, leaving a ghost of the feeling behind.

She was happy, more so than she had been in weeks, maybe even months. It didn't stop her from leaning against a tree in the thickest part of the small woods between her little cabin and the town to cry. No matter how good this felt she knew that one day she would probably get her heart broken over him and she had no room to complain about it being unfair.

#milah #killian jones #millian #fic: call of the sea #At least he knows her name now #also how do you center on Tumblr #I tried twice and gave up #my fanfic

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spurvince · 8 years ago

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Beauty Boy

Hey ya’ll, haven’t written anything in a while but @easyupdate inspired me to write this lol thanks casey !! 1500 words of hinckman for your reading pleasure.

Summary: Ian, Kyle, and a box of makeup.

“Bossy,” Ian drawled, “can I proposition you?”

They were doing absolutely and utterly nothing; a typical lazy Saturday in the Bosman-Hinck apartment. Sitting on the couch with some obscure movie playing, barely paying attention to it and cuddled up against each other like their lives depended on it. A thin blanket lay across the two of them, barely covering their well-worn pajamas and dangerously close to an old bowl of who-knows-what on the coffee table. Kyle was roused for the first time in nearly an hour when Ian spoke.

“What do you mean, proposition me? You have something fun in mind?” He squeezed Ian's hand in his own, enjoying her grounding touch.

“Well, we have nothing else to do.” She sighed, looking just a touch nervous. “I was thinking, if you're okay with it of course, maybe I could… do your makeup? I mean, I have my box of stuff and it's nothing special,” she started rambling, “but you have such good eyelashes and we could clean up your eyebrows, and maybe do a little bit of contour--” She was cut off by another squeeze to the hand. Ian raised her eyes to Kyle's, not even remembering when she had started to look down in embarrassment. She spoke softer this time. “If you wanna try it, I think you’d look really good.”

Kyle was slightly dumbfounded. Him, look good in makeup? Ian was always so stunning when she decided to put anything on her face, he wouldn't be able to live up to her! But he’d be lying if he said he'd hadn't thought about it, with all the compliments he got on his eyelashes. And if there was anyone he'd trust enough to do his makeup, it would be Ian. Yeah, sure. Why not.

The words came out of his mouth before he could overthink it any longer. “Definitely, babe, it sounds fun!” A ridiculous lopsided grin crept onto his face, and it was almost immediately matched by Ian’s radiant smile.

“Awesome, I'll go grab my stuff!” She hurtled off the couch and nearly tripped over Kyle’s feet on her way to their bedroom. After a few seconds of shuffling, she came back out with a relatively small box and sat back on the couch.

The box was pretty fancy, Kyle thought; not really his girlfriend’s style. It was white with gold trim and looked… quite expensive, to say the least. Ian seemed to read Kyle’s thoughts, providing an explanation as soon as she saw the puzzled look on Kyle’s face.

“Oh, Brad got me this a few year back for my birthday! He said it was his from beauty school days, but I think he might’ve just bought it at Sephora.” She shrugged and leaned into him, laughing her whole-body laugh that made Kyle’s stomach do backflips. “Either way, it's come in handy!” She flipped it open and pulled out a handful of colorful tubes. A soft pink one caught Kyle’s eye, and he took it from her hand.

“Ooh, what's that one? It's so nice.”

“That one’s lipstick.” She gently pried it from his curious fingers. “D’you like it? I can use it on you if you want.”

Kyle hadn't thought he was going to be wearing lipstick by the end of this, but he figured he might as well go for it. I mean, hey, it’s really pretty.

“Yes. Yeah, definitely, I like that one.”

Ian smiled wryly. Next she pulled out a small bottle of concealer and waved it in front of Kyle.

“Okay, this one is to cover up any weird spots on your face, so we're just gonna slather it all over, y’know?” She giggled at her own joke, enjoying the redness that washed over Kyle’s cheeks and his small noise of disbelief. He mock-pushed her, but Ian was quick to lean in and press a small kiss to his pink cheek.

“Alright, that's the last one you're getting for a while, Bossy. I don't wanna ruin my beautiful handiwork.” Kyle gave a slight pout at that, but conceded.

“Okay, babe. Let’s do this.” He watched in amazement as his girlfriend proceeded to pull out item after item from the seemingly endless box.

A pair of tweezers. Oh no. Kyle instinctively pulled away from them when she brought them near his eyebrows, but Ian was determined. She softly gripped Kyle's jaw in one hand, and set about fixing his brows with the other. He pursed his lips at each small tug, relaxing only to complain at regular intervals.

“God, babe, how do you do this every morn--” he was cut off by another kiss, this one soft on his lips.

“I can't believe you made me break my promise this soon, Bosman,” Ian said under her breath, a smirk tugging the corner of her mouth. She pecked him on the lips a second time and got back to business. Kyle was quiet until she finished.

“Cool, what's next?”

“This stuff,” she said, punctuated with a shake of the tube she had picked up earlier.

She squirted some of the concealer into her hand and dipped a small makeup sponge into it. Kyle didn't even know they made sponges for makeup. God, he was learning so much.

He hissed when she pressed the sponge to his face, surprised that makeup could be so cold.

“Oh, don't be so whiny, babe. I'm just getting started!” She dotted the sponge all over his face, paying extra attention to his freckles for a solid minute and a half until she was satisfied. “See, you're already looking better!”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Kyle said, shifting on the couch. It was already getting so hard to resist touching his face, he didn't know how Ian did this almost every day.

Ian pulled out a palette of eyeshadow next. “Alright, which one of these do you like best? Except the green one, that would not look good on you.” Kyle rubbed the back of his neck in thought, eyes dancing over the colors. A nice shade of gold drew his gaze and he pointed at it.

“Would that one look good on me?”

“Oh, hell yes, Bossy.” Ian picked up her brush and got to work, making sure to remind Kyle every few seconds to keep his eyes closed. It was only a little uncomfortable, he thought, but soon enough Ian was finished. She studied his face again and retrieved a large, oblong tube that she tried to convince him was mascara.

“C’mon babe, it'll look great!”

“You are not putting that stick near my eyes. Ian, I’ll die.” Kyle was horrified that people willingly put these things near the softest parts of their body and somehow managed to not poke their eyes out.

“Please?” Ian stick out her bottom lip in a comical pout. “This is the best part!” Kyle still looked unconvinced as ever. She rolled her eyes. “I’ll kiss you again,” she added, and Kyle’s facade cracked. Ian could see him weighing his options before her very eyes.

He sighed. “Fine. But if I go blind today, I'm holding you personally responsible.”

Ian smiled, wand already near Kyle's lashes. “Now you have to keep your eyes open for this, babe. If you close them, it'll be ruined.”

“Alright, I can do that.”

He couldn't.

It took 4 separate attempts for Ian to successfully brush mascara onto Kyle's lashes, and the two of them were now surrounded in mascara-laden baby wipes.

Kyle grumbled as Ian finally pulled away, but his noises were quickly replaced with silence when he saw the practically reverent look on his girlfriend’s face. His eyes were perfectly, beautifully framed now; the combined effort she had put in had payed off. The now-fading sunlight reflected softly off of his golden eyeshadow, bringing out the nuances of his eye color, and she let out a low whistle.

“Wow.”

“Huh?”

“Bossy, you're like,” she paused, “the single most beautiful person I've ever seen right now.”

Kyle flushed again, this time an even deeper pink than before, and looked down at his hands. “Uh, th- thanks?” He looked up again, locking eyes with Ian and making sure to flutter his eyelashes just a bit. “Can I have that kiss now?”

Ian laughed, incredulous. “Of course you can, babe, God.”

Kyle grinned, reaching his hand up to rest under her chin and tilting her head back, but caught himself. His eyes widened as he realized he forgot something. “Wait, what about that lipstick? Can you put that on me?”

Ian looked vaguely startled. “Uh, yeah, let me grab it.” She rifled through her box before pulling it out and uncapping it, rubbing the soft wand over Kyle’s lips until they were a soft, light shade of pink. “There... we... go! Now you're the Belle of the ball, Bossy.” She sat there in what seemed to be disbelief and awe for several seconds before Kyle finally lifted her chin up and leaned in.

Kyle was many things, Ian would say, but he was not a bad kisser. Slow and measured he kissed her, relishing the taste of her lip balm and his lipstick mingled together. With one hand he pressed Ian’s shoulder until she was laid back on the couch, her eyes open again when Kyle pulled away.

“God, Bosman, you're gorgeous.” She flung her arms over the back of his neck.

“Thanks. For that. For this.” He ducked down again to capture her lips quickly. “I feel really good.”

Ian’s smile turned to a slight smirk as she pushed Kyle off of her. She took his hand, leading him towards their bedroom and its closet.

“Okay, pretty boy, let’s get you in some nicer clothes.”

#hinckman #uneasy alliances #my fic #anyways sorry if this is bad????? i haven written anything since. god. april??#a;kjgh;asdf;aksdjf

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idunazccarlynqp79insurance-blog · 6 years ago

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Ford F-150 Cheap Insurance

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1234whocares-blog · 6 years ago

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I hate to start off being overly dramatic, but I am a bit ashamed to admit that each morning, as I walk up the driveway to my job, I have to take a deep breath and let it out.

Slowly.

I need that tiny moment of time to acclimatise myself for what's ahead of me for the day. What's inside. But I always manage to continue up the driveway, and punch in the security code, pass through the rear one-way security doors, and make my way up the narrow stairway to the main lobby. Maybe partly because of that deep breath.

From the sound of it, you might guess that I work in a prison. I know people who have worked in prisons, so I have an idea of how hard and mentally exhausting it must be. However, most of the day, they have nice shiny security systems with cameras and bars between them and the people they work with and for. They can, and are under orders to be professional and still do their jobs.

I can't be professional. I need to have my instincts way out there, antennae twitching for all and any signals. It can be very exhausting, but it's how I worked with the near dead and the dying before this job, and I managed to survive. I can't keep distance and do the job, or at least the only way I know how to do it. So I need that first deep breath, and another before I get into the rest of the building.

There's another code to punch in to enter the nurses' office where the staff keys are kept in a lock box. As the jargon goes, this building was not `purpose built'. It was expanded gradually over the years with differing styles of security and proof of that is in the motley variety of keys on each ring.

If I find a set of keys with all of the attachments I'll need for the day, I take it as a good start for the morning. I need a master key for the main doors and the residents' rooms. Magnetic swipe card for the several security doors dividing different areas. The elevator requires a key for all floors and then there's another key for records and storage cupboards, some of which contain the keys to other locked areas.

As usual, there's no pen to use to sign the logbook. I find one in my ever-present satchel; ever present because it's always strapped to my side. Nothing can be left unwatched here, so any of the stuff that I can't lock away, has to stay with me and can never be put down.

If you believe that Hell is subjective; that it is specific to each individual, then I work in what is probably many people's idea of Hell. Because this is where we send the lost souls.

It probably seems as though I'm looking for sympathy. But I'm well aware that I don't live in hell, I just work there. I get paid quite well to do a job that I take pride in doing well, and I get to go home to a very happy private life each day.

Almost all of us have been in old age residences; most have been to old age homes. But I work in what we call a special needs psychiatric nursing home.

These are not the average oldsters who are placed in a nice residential complex or even a regular nursing home because someone in the family wanted their house or was afraid they'd set fire to the kitchen making tea. We have the one in 10,000 people who have won the lottery of early onset dementia, with a side order of violence. Almost all of our residents have been ejected for a variety of causes from the standard homes. We also take the people who have been in several institutions all of their lives and finally qualify, by being over fifty, to be dumped into a psychiatric nursing home until they die. We have the hard cases that legally cannot be simply doped or restrained. Each represents a pain-filled tragedy or years of angst and self-punishment for friends and family members, few of whom ever visit.

Like many standard homes today, the residence is rundown with overworked staff. Yet it's not a cheap place. Most residents or a government subsidy, are paying at least £1500 a week, or almost $12000 US a month. For the rest of their lives. However long or short that might be.

The building was not designed for its present clients, or `service users' as we are forced to call them. I hate that name.

In this home, there's always a crisis, often several. A third of our people are life-threateningly underweight. Most are paranoid, many are violent. They don't want to be here and many hate, truly hate, the staff and try to injure them while they do their jobs.

Many of the staff return those feelings. Most are too burned out, almost as medicated as the patients with anti-depressants, to do anything but push and prod the residents to where they `should be'. Unless there are visitors or inspectors.

Even as I come up the stairs each morning, I can usually hear some sort of fracas. There's always moaning or cursing or shouting in the main room beyond the doors.

Maybe Al is half naked and chewing on the clothes he stripped off. Maybe Bob has reached into his pants and now has handfuls of faeces to spread about. Or simply Carol is screaming `BASTARD!!', kicking and biting as the staff tries to remove her from the room. So I ease in by the TV room first, rather than face the chaos that is the main dining room right away. I have to open and close the door carefully, because often there are residents waiting for it to open and make a break for it. The few people who are capable of recognising me give me a hello and a wave, some beckon but this early in the day I usually just wave back and ask them to wait until I get caught up with the latest reports. Maybe someone has died, maybe my schedule for the day is in crisis. Sometimes there is someone lying on the floor. Since my arm was dislocated, I'm not able to raise them up on my own, and it is policy to let them remain until you can get assistance.

Anyway, even if there was a hoist right beside them, occasionally the nurse in charge of the floor has left them there because she's decided picking them up is a reward; sprawling on the often urine stained carpet supposedly being an attention getting device. I generally ignore that judgement and go look for a friendly carer. Either way, I often start work by stepping over a human being lying on the ground and go to whomever is in charge on the floor just to check that they really do know that Diana, or Ethel or Fiona is lying on the floor.

They always do. My concern is seen as a lack of professionalism or discipline. And it is.

We exchange info over the constant chant of all homes with dementia, `Please, I want to go home!" Usually echoed in the minds of all the staff. There are also shouts of "I want my Daddy" and "Fuck Off!" "Kill'em!" from various chairs as I go to the locked file cabinet and grab my diaries and files and check to see what's been added to my notes over the weekend. To read if any patient's notes have been expanded and if the corresponding paperwork is filled in properly.

Ten years ago, paperwork was a few minutes a day for a carer or a nurse. Now it amounts to over an hour each shift. An hour that is no longer spent learning about or treating a patient. Also, there are increased numbers of residents per carer and a more disabled, aging population requires more assistance, in bathing, toileting, feeding. Sometimes two staff might be required for each, where once the majority of residents in homes required no assistance at all. Then deduct the time spent on those with deadly infections like MRSA; as they require special handling, gloves aprons, and you have the formula to create our overcrowded, overworked homes. With no time for caring. Or therapy or anything other than basic observation. That’s what we do now in most homes. We don’t care. We observe. We assess.

The main room doubles as the dining room, and due to flexible feeding schedules, there are always few people just being served breakfast whenever I come in. The dining room seats about 50, with massive windows all along one side and peeling green paint along the other three. There are three fans cooling a 20th of the total space and it boils in the summer and freezes in the winter. There are usually about 20 residents and five or more staff in there at any time in the morning. About a quarter of the residents are unable to feed themselves. Perhaps another half dozen are depressed and are refusing food. So the staff are usually busy attempting to feed recalcitrant people at one table or another while others are doing their paperwork or watching one or more of the violent residents.

If there's no immediate crisis, I can often find a friendly staffer and mention the person on the floor. There's usually a sigh and rolling of the eyes before we go to raise them up. For a variety of reasons I get along with some of the residents better than the rest of the staff, if they give me a few moments to prepare them, we can avoid the usual screaming and clawing as we place them back in a chair. Who knows for how long.

Some of the staff are on One-on-One. That simply means that they sit with the more disruptive residents and try to keep them out of trouble. Only a few of the residents can be been placed on One on One at a time. Though all of them could desperately use the attention, this alert is only for `service users' who for that day have been listed as a clear threat to others or themselves on a continuing, minute-by-minute basis. That doesn't reduce the violence. Fights amongst the regulars still develop, and whoever is free and nearby usually moves in to take one or more of the more violent types out of the potential conflict. How violent? Most of the staff have bruises and scratches, as do almost all of the residents. A resident died six months ago from a violent shove.

In my first month, I nearly lost an eye from a very quick 90 year old. Sounds like a contradiction, but some of the starving exist on the nervous energy that a hummingbird would envy. I had volunteered to try to feed Georgia after the failure of another carer, and I have had some success as a `feeder', especially with the depressed at other homes. My offer was quickly accepted as Georgia has rotting pus oozing from the wound on her head and the smell is so bad that some carers working near her wear masks. Georgia is expected to die soon but she is still defying her family and carers' expectations. I had managed to get most of a weight-building drink down, while singing and cajoling, when I must have missed a signal and she lashed out with nails that had been too long uncut. The scar, from my eyelid down my cheek was ignored as simply another battle wound, like the scratches I'd gotten that same day on my arms. (Carol gives Indian burns like nobody's business.) Nowadays, I'm pretty scar free. I have none of the regular baggage of forcing the residents into places they do not want to be, I am generally associated with good things, not bad, and I do have some ability at making contact. Unfortunately, as my wife is the first to say, that ability is only with the vulnerable and crazy as I'm crap at social skills amongst regular people.

This isn't why the home exhausts me. I have held hands with people about to die. I have seen quite a lot of misery in my years in various homes. It's simply that these people, regardless of the skills I try to bring to the job, will always be lost. Any therapeutic tool I find will always be inadequate as long as the daily stresses and this wretched environment remain the same. I can provide a few moments, a few hours of stimulation. I can occasionally, when I'm really lucky or at my best, find a key that might lead to some possible improvement in their quality of life. But generally, as soon as I turn away, and I have to turn away so very many times each day, they are once again trapped inside minds that seem to be dedicated at torturing them with their greatest fears. Surrounded by others more or less frightening than themselves. Encased in a building that management refuses to improve, despite all my arguments and pleadings.

There is a line from the film Hospital where George C. Scott cries out in rage and frustration, "We cure nothing! We heal nothing!"

In today's nursing home, the emphasis is on the paperwork plus whatever the fad of the day is. There is little treatment or diagnosis. Paperwork and questionnaires are not about defining the patient's specific mental states to work out treatment; it is to find out how to `care' and how to keep the resident from harming themselves or the staff. To do `risk assessments' for whatever the fad is. Two years ago it was falls. Last year, starvation. This year it appears to be access to religion. Are we doing enough to ensure that not only are the present religions of the residents being met, (I have Methodist, Catholic, Anglican and Baptist ministers coming in) but the government wants to ensure that we are facilitating their opportunities to convert to Islam or Scientology.

All training of the staff is not about learning about the diseases, mental or physical, or to find ways to make these people's lives better. It is `cover your ass' training. Two hours for fire safety and food handling. Anywhere from two to six hours total for moving and handling despite requiring proficiency with over a dozen mechanical devices, and other minimum government required certifications. So that if there is a mistake made (ie, someone dies) in the basics by a staff member, the home can point at some certificate and say, `well, it's not our liability that he/she died/fell/starved/was attacked. The staff member was certified in moving/handling/food/dementia/.'

When the inspectors come, do they roust each room or talk to even a fifth of the residents? You're kidding. I once worked in banks and their surprise audits meant a sudden swarming of inspectors barging in the doors en masse. They would blow through the doors like an invading army and stopped every activity including checking the computer lines. But then, money is important, right?

For the mentally ill, we're a little better mannered. In two of the homes I've been in, the manager gave me more than three days notice that a `surprise inspection' was about to occur. And that was simply a warning to make sure my paperwork was in order.

That's what services to the elderly come down to. Is the paperwork in order? Someone is dangerously underweight? Well, all her intake and output (as it is wondrously called) is immediately monitored and recorded. To the point that a whole section of the NVQ (National Care Standards Certification) was devoted (and that's the word) to how to weigh out shit and measure piss volume. So after the person dies from starvation, the home has the paperwork to show that they were following the problem and charting it. Was the cause dealt with? Well, not really. People want to die, what can we do?

Well, see, there's this little thing called treatment, therapy, but even $12,000 a month doesn't pay for that.

This after a century of advances in defining mental states. We may agree that putting a pillow over their faces is not right, but is the present system is hardly more merciful.

So after that rant, we get back to me. I'm very lucky in that I am an outsider. I'm not a nurse, administrator, or carer. I'm the fun and games man. Though after being certified in various forms of therapy and completing a diploma in Care and a level 3 NVQ, I get to be called an Activity Therapist. I am expected to provide at least 20 hours of activities with a therapeutic basis, and 10 hours of directed therapy, all of which I design or research on my own, each week. I am not supervised and am considered a Head of Department with two part-time assistants. I read as much as I can about dementia, and I do a good job. I have managed to diagnose several of the residents and find alternate ways to `deal' with them. There are good days and I am able to go to bed every night knowing I helped someone. That is what keeps most of us in these jobs and it is something most people in offices or factories cannot claim.

The worst thing is that most of the success I’ve had, is due to spotting one or several `keys' to the patient. But this requires the right information and appropriate training. And time to observe and implement. The massive three and four inch files on each of them rarely include pertinent information on their pasts or professions, much less who they were before they came here. Despite all the well-meaning training to stop this conduct, they are treated almost like newborn children, who hardly existed before they came here. Called `little man' and slapped on the hand when they grab at the wrong things.

They are not children. Childhood is the discovery, the exploration of all the newness. My people may seem to be blank slates occasionally, but they have come to this moment, this place, by a long, personal and usually painfully circuitous, journey.

I look across right now at Linda, a woman in her 60's, a former teacher with a Bachelor of Arts. She is quietly crying out from her table in a monotone, `Don't leave us. Please don't leave us… ' No one pays attention. Holly sits at the same table, thrusting a spoon down into a place just a few inches from her bowl. She grins wildly and then stirs the air for a moment. Possibly realising her actions, her smile cracks and she begins to cry. Around them both, people shuffle about aimlessly, occasionally yelling, calling out to people who aren't there. When there is contact, when one of the wanderers touches someone in a chair, there is often a violent response.

One of my notes indicates that Mandy may not be up to going out today, so I decide I better go check on her.

To get to her I have to leave the main room, and weave around and through several of the regular wanderers. These are the ones who have been exiled to sway and collide up and down the narrow corridor for hours. For many, this is how they spend half the day, because with staff shortages, it's easier to force them from the rooms and shove them into an enclosed hallway. Maybe they were bothering other residents; either harassing the quiet or inciting the potentially violent.

Wanderers are people who for a variety of reasons cannot stay still. The main requirement that our training demands is that we NOT call them wanderers. Wandering is a classic dementia symptom, at the least a displacement activity indicative of stress, and extremely important to decipher and analyse as it is an indicator of the type of dementia. It can be a key to treatment and diagnosis. Not one of our residents has been classified in order to use this information properly. Nor is anything done to note if a reduction of stress might limit their wandering. In fact, their wandering about in enclosed corridors obviously increases their stress.

So we’re actually harming them each and every day.

Instead, carers and nurses spend almost all their shifts trying to convince or force them to sit, or eat, or not to strip off clothes, especially at mealtimes. Or when there are visitors or please God, No! inspectors. Wanderers stagger about trying to find somewhere, anywhere that is not `here'. Some try doors and handles, rattling them with growing frustration. Others nervously skitter from room to room, settling like birds in one chair for a moment before returning to the same spot they'd occupied moments before. Some just seem to aimlessly glide about. They might stop you for a meaningless garbled bit of conversation, usually which implies they need assistance in getting to some place that does not exist, and it tests the carers' commitment or schedule to try to pretend to exchange words with them.

As I step through another security door, I find I am surrounded by four or five wanderers, all vying for my attention or trying to get past me. I always make a point of greeting each and not surprisingly, I usually get just as normal a response. I have been doing some music therapy with Al, so I give him a smile and sing a few bars from his favorite singer, Jim Reeves. It gets me a rare grin and he increases his moaning, but in a happier tone. Al is a moaner AND a wanderer. He spends at least 10 hours each day bumping into walls banging about aimlessly in the corridors moaning "wooooo. Woooooo." He turns the lights off in the corridor, possibly because of the greater effect. He's only missing the chains and possibly a Tudor collar. I have to wonder if decades after his death he'll still be there, or at least his moans.

I am still heading for Mandy's room when Ivan stops me. He stands about 5'10 and is stocky, muscular. He glares at me without saying a word. When he has spoken, perhaps twice in the last two months, he usually says "coffee." Ivan gives me the glare for about one minute before he loses the contest by blinking and moves on to someone else.

Ivan picks on the other wanderers. Or should I say, picks them off. He waits until one of the more vulnerable ones passes by and then he brutally shoves them. Six months before he managed to break the pelvis of a resident, who later died from complications.

Strangely enough, the place wasn't sued into the ground. Or as one of the staff put it, "Fortunately, the family was very understanding. They considered the death, ‘an end to her suffering, a blessing.’

Lately he's been picking on Janet as she moves from room to room looking for her handbag while crying in a monotone, "Help us. Would you help us." He's gotten to her three times in the last month and at the Heads of Staff meeting the manager complained, "To listen to Janet you'd think he'd done it a hundred times!" Possibly it felt like that for Janet, as Ivan was successful enough in the three tries that she's just now losing the yellow bruising under her eyes from the broken nose, though the gash over her eye is still bandaged. The manager is probably upset because Janet can be a bit of a pain with her whines of boredom whereas Ivan is completely silent and so far has never attacked staff.

As I turn away from Ivan, someone grabs my shirt and I flinch before I can turn around and look into their eyes. Once I have their eyes with mine, I'm usually safe. This time it's only Katie. Talking with Katie is like dealing with someone on stage doing a monologue from a play you can't see. Or like a character from Our Town. She'll be re-enacting an event of some important day in 1930 when suddenly she'll pivot and address someone offstage. "Get the car going, won't you? Pam? Pam! Are you coming or aren't you?" Then she'll reach down and pick up invisible objects as carefully as the best mime.

My first day here, Katie spent over 30 minutes threatening and cajoling me into getting into what she knew was a car. Unfortunately it was actually a foot-high bird feeder. I tried my best but I could neither get my head inside the thing nor explain why I was being so disobedient when it was clear we weren't going to get to wherever she needed to go if I wouldn't get into the car.

Though I'd been assigned Katie by the manager, no one had mentioned that she liked to smash windows. Later on that day, when some other poor sod was minding her, she managed to get a hold of the yellow hazard sandwich boards that mark wet floors, and swung it with what must have been a satisfying vigour, smashing a small pane in the corridor before she could be stopped. This week she grabbed a small end table and managed two heavy swings into the plate glass doors. Though the entire building seemed to shake, she was unsuccessful. I felt a little disappointed for her.

I finally get into Mandy's room. In her little space, the only personal possessions are the photographs. They show a bright-eyed woman, charismatic even, with family, travelling, taking in the world with a visceral enjoyment that beams through the frames.

The woman I know is flat, mousy. Even her hair straggles sadly down her cheeks and what few words she speaks are unsure, uncertain. She is only a bit older than I am, and she usually sits at a table alone, while the madness crashes about her. The chaos of the dining room once frightened her, now it just exhausts what little energy she still has. She is not well today, and I have to balance her psychological need to get out with the risk to her physical health. Maybe if I replan whom I take with us, perhaps a few less challenging people, we can afford to give her more attention? I have to do something with her, because I’ve already been forced to reduce her timeline therapy this week. This is a type of memory exercise I devised that has been very effective but we reached the stage where I needed her husband to come in and he wasn’t available. Possibly because it was so successful, that the memories it was evoking were too painful for him.

Two years before, she had been categorised as having Early Onset Alzheimer's and had not seen a doctor since then. I went through her files carefully before asking the head psychiatric nurse why there was nothing about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder on her file. She blinked and a light dawned. "Of course!" she actually shouted. And I wasn't being particularly brilliant. I mean, the woman separates and stacks her cookies according to size each teatime. I'd noticed Mandy being dragged across a cobbled street when she wouldn't move from her eyes-downcast position. What they hadn't noticed was that she was trying to only walk on the red bricks and had run out of them. A short chat and she was convinced the black ones would have to do and she was striding along happily. There are many ways of using OCD to actually motivate patients to improve their quality of life, but in the madhouse that is the health care system, with one of the most famous and obvious syndromes around, no one had caught on.

No one had the time.

Most of these people should be in units specific to their needs. But that would require giving up valuable room space. So regardless of the fact that all dementia is different, like a snowflake, they are grouped together.

We are caretakers, only a few steps away from Victorian Bedlam. There are no attempts at healing, we are letting these people die. If I discuss recent papers, categorise my people according to their behaviour patterns, experienced psychiatric nurses meet me with blank stares or resentment. If I suggest I'd like to attend a conference on dementia, or workshops on anything that might make my job more productive, I am actively discouraged, and certainly not offered financial assistance to go. To be fair, I was also discouraged in attending a conference on the new Mental Incapacity Act, something that will affect this home rather directly, so it's not a negative attitude towards the residents that causes this. It's the product and the promotion of apathy and general ignorance.

And that’s what really exhausts me. I know, and the staff knows what this place needs. We can accept that there isn’t enough staff and that there is never enough time to do the jobs we were trained for. But the residents need security, not just the staff. They need separate quarters and files kept that are relevant to treatment, not simply maintenance. The staff needs specific training so they can imagine a future either here or elsewhere that isn’t so meaningless. They need to be consulted by the management because they do know what should be done.

Meanwhile, I am a success at my job by most objective assessments. We’ve created a real library, a proper crafts program, a miniputt golf course, a greenhouse, all costing the home not a penny. There are competitions, trips, more volunteers in the home.

When I arrived, less than eight residents were regularly involved in any activity.

Now over fifty of them are active in something every day or week, even if it is only passive therapy or being taken out for a roll about town. The exercise programs are especially effective and visitors, inspectors and prospective clients are always brought to me as a show of how the place is better than the other home down the road. The administrators also like me because I have sorted out the paperwork and I scrounge and budget. The managers like the promotion in the newspapers and through my newsletters and the increased visitor traffic I encourage, along with the veneer of therapy I provide. The visitors like being involved, consulted and credit me with the fact that they are once more creating happy memories of the resident, something they thought would never happen. The carers like that I will work with some of the hard cases that they cannot and I am trained and certified to do most of their jobs when they need help. The nurses like that my volunteers and my activities reduce their workloads.

All things I have done elsewhere and there is no sense of accomplishment. There is no sense that things will be better. Perhaps this is the Golden Age of elderly. Most of the people in residences are able to pay the fees through the sale of their homes which increased in value over 100 times during their ownership. That won’t happen again. And once the boomers are no longer paying taxes but drawing on their pensions, will we all be in bunkbeds, barns with a television at the end of the room? Rotated on a spit to reduce bedsores?

So I will continue to be congratulated for providing basic therapeutic activity for a few hours each week. A few hours a week out of the one hundred and sixty eight. A tiny, tiny fraction of their weekly toll. Their time of wandering. Their time lost.

Because we heal nothing. We cure nothing. And like all the rest of them, I want to go home.

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junkremovalauthority-blog · 7 years ago

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What to do with your “Junk”?

What do I do with the stuff once I pick it up? That is a common question that is posed to me from current and prospective junk removal business owners. They want to be able to get all their jobs done but they really want to sell stuff too. They feel like by donating and recycling the stuff they are missing out on income from item sales. That is partly true. But one of the keys to growing a business is to make sure you spend your time where it is best spent. Remember, you are in the junk REMOVAL business not the junk RESELLING business.

So, we will start right off where everybody wants to. When should I sell it? There are a few factors that play into that:

What does your customer want done with the item: If they expected it to be donated then you should try to donate it. If they expect the donation receipt get them the receipt.

Will selling the items get you off schedule: You never want to be late to a customer. Remember, you are in the REMOVAL business and not the RESELL business. Don’t let resell take away from the removal which is the bread and butter of your business.

Have a value threshold: Remember, selling items isn’t all profit. You have to take pictures, list it for sell, respond to buyers, possibly clean it, and meet the buyer. There is a lot of time that can be taken up. It probably isn’t worth your time to sell a $20 item. And, it might not be worth you or your team members time to bring a load back to your facility if it is under, say $300-$400 of value. And if you are busy that threshold would be even higher. When we first started we had a value threshold of $700 because we were so busy. The fact we said no to selling most of the items at the start allowed us to do more junk removal jobs than anybody. It made sure that we were able to accommodate same day service which is 20 percent of our business. And it allowed us to be able to get out and sell our removal service. We got flap all the time from friends and people we know that owned estate sale companies that were like, “Dude, you need to sell the stuff. You are donating or junking thousands and thousands of dollars of stuff.” They weren’t lying. I bet we’ve passed on over a half million worth of stuff since we started. But I guarantee you that we’ve gotten at least three times the amount of business. Steve Jobs once said that your success is not made with the things you say yes too, but instead the things you say no too. Remember that. Saying no is one of the reasons JD is at $2 Million a year in sales where some of our competitors, in business just as long, are at about $300,000 or less.

Space available: Remember, you need storage space. Storage space costs money. Is it worth paying $1500 a month for warehouse space to sell $2000-$3000 worth of stuff? Probably not.

Focus more on sales when you hit a gross sales threshold: For us it was $1 Million for our Raleigh location. That was when it was worth the space. That was when we were able to take a dispatch guy and have him also do sales. So it helped us to have one guy other than Christian or myself do dispatch. Sales helped pay for him. It was worth it then.

When should items be recycled?

If you have a majority load of general scrap steel type items I would take it straight to a scrap yard normally.

If you have just a few scrap pieces it probably isn’t worth holding onto it unless you were already heading back to your shop. At that point it could be worth having a trailer or a dumpster that you put general scrap in.

Always retain copper, car batteries, brass, and other metals that don’t take up a lot of space but pay a lot. Build up a good amount at your shop and make a metal run every so often. HAVE CAMERAS ON THIS STUFF AND LOCK IT UP. Thieves love copper and batteries and will steal it in a heart beat. It doesn’t take much copper to have $300 or $400 worth.

Balance your time: Again, before you go through items to separate the metals determine if it is actually worth it.

When should items be donated?

Pretty much anytime you aren’t selling or recycling the stuff and it is easy to get too or enough volume to drastically decrease your disposal fees.

If your customer expects you to attempt to donate it.

If a donation center is closer than a drop off facility and by donating an item or two you might able to combine your next job.

What donation or recycling percentages should you have?

I don’t think there is a number. And for these companies out here that claim they recycle or donate 80 percent of what they bring in I call that a big pile of stinky bull shit. There is no way. On our website we tell our customers we will attempt to donate and recycle stuff, but we are not sorting through bags and boxes. If they want small stuff to be donated then they need to have it pre-sorted or pay us a labor rate to do so. If we have a load of nice stuff we will make sure to drop it off at a donation center or sell it. It is the right thing to do and it works out for us financially. But we aren’t going to spend hours more time sorting through stuff to discover a few odds and ends to donate.

There is not a hard and fast rule on what you should do with your stuff. I wish there was. We love standardization. But so much of this is subjective. However, I will tell you, generally with selling items less is more. You will definitely get rid of some valuable stuff but I have seen the proof that you will get several times that back with your primary business. And the REMOVAL is scaleable. The RESELL is much harder to scale. Remember, you are in the junk REMOVAL business not the junk RESELL business.

Good luck building your business this week!

-Lee Godbold

919-466-9322

The post What to do with your “Junk”? appeared first on Junk Removal Authority.

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spookyenemyperson-blog · 7 years ago

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I just got pulled over for not having my seat buckle on and I’m wondering how much my insurance will go up?

"I just got pulled over for not having my seat buckle on and I'm wondering how much my insurance will go up?

This is the first time I've EVER been pulled over and I've had my license for a little over a year now. I get good grades and all that stuff so my insurance is pretty low for the average person right now. I'm wondering how much my insurance will go up? SOMEONE HELP! Kinda freaking out here. :p

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