#(partially bc. he feels some Guilt over not being able to help some of them better)

[nexus-nebulae]

settling an internal debate

*an external item or force has to be something that they need Every Time they shapeshift, like a spellcasting scroll or magical item. If it was a one-time boon, like a spell/curse/bite that permanently gives them the ability to shift, in our eyes that means they simply are a shapeshifter now regardless of past status.

If they have to already have a propensity for magic to use the magical item (ex: only wizards being able to use a spellcasting staff, and you have to be born a wizard) then where they fit is up to you

[waywardsunlight]

I think Luz's trauma due to being an abuse victim gets ignored a lot in favor of other characters. Luz has an odd role in the fandom as this character who other characters rely on, or who isn't an abuse victim but is supportive of her friends who are, and I think that ends up missing a huge part of her story.

Belos compliments her a lot, which is partially because he wants to reach out to her and mostly because he thinks he can manipulate her. He does some backhanded compliments, telling her she's improved but she still has work to do to catch up to him. He also thanks her quite a few times. The way he thanks her intentionally triggers her guilt, especially when he thanks her for helping him with Hunter. He also compliments her to put other people down, like when he tells her she's "better than this" (implying their race makes them morally superior).

He also uses the same manipulation tactic on Luz that he does on Hunter, although it doesn't work as well on her. He tries to remove his own agency for his physical violence by blaming the Curse. The biggest example is in King's Tide, when he pretends he can't hear her as he's racing after her to try and kill her. He ends up cutting her face while pretending to be out of control and then in the same sequence has full control and clarity to talk to Hunter and the Collector. He gaslights Luz by trying to make it seem like it was The Curse causing him to act in the way he did.

He refers to Luz as "crazy" to invalidate her emotions and harming Hunter in front of her also is a form of abuse. He's obviously aware that hurting Hunter traumatizes Luz (and everyone else) but as his focus transfers from Hunter to Luz in Hollow Mind, he starts targeting her specifically by harming Hunter to hurt her (especially in TTT). Belos shifts the blame for events from himself to Luz and also attempts to make her feel guilty. Hunter seems to understand that Luz is also being abused and tries to reassure her that Belos is an abuser and she shouldn't take what he says at face value. Luz ends up taking that advice to heart after she's able to forgive herself and face Belos. She doesn't speak to him but is able to hear his manipulation tactics and just. stare at him bc he's full of bullshit.

Just because he 'only' hits her a few times and isn't her guardian doesn't mean he can't abuse her or that he didn't. It's not really a protagonist-antagonist relationship as much as it is "adult man nuking 14 year old repeatedly until she becomes god and kills him". The idea that child abuse can only come from parents and not role models or other adults in your life is odd, because he distinctly holds a position of power over her (literally an Emperor and an adult who intentionally isolates her and the other kids alone to abuse them) and uses it to emotionally and physically harm her.

Papa Titan has to reassure her that she's okay to kill Belos because he's literally a serial killer who's lying about his intentions. Luz still slightly falls for Belos's sympathetic line until that moment because he very intentionally tried to get her to feel bad for him and also feel guilt about herself.

This is also why I really detest any fandom takes where Belos canonically is supposed to care about her, or Luz owes him anything. Manipulation is not sympathetic. Belos committed premeditated murder and then used the remains of his murder victim to try to make a "Better Version" of his murder victim which was actually just a way to punish him repeatedly and keep taking out revenge on kids who had nothing to do with the original conflict. Belos is Luz's abuser also, and Luz doesn't owe him any sort of kindness or consideration and her anger is valid.

Luz is an abuse victim of Belos's in addition to Hunter and the Collector (and Vee/Lilith by extension), and she should be considered as such rather than her trauma being invalidated in favor of other characters.

[obiwhat]

hi eli :D! i originally followed you for the aot content but i am also open to learning more about fmab! a summary of the show isnt needed, but could you briefly explain the relationship of the two characters you drew? +any other info to know while reading your fics or art :)

hi hi hiiii!! so happy ur open to learning about fmab after being here from the aot side of things, much much love 🫶🫶

if you’d like to: i would 100% suggest watching fmab or reading the manga (and then watching fma 03 if you feel so inclined bc tbh i got really confused by starting that first lol)

as for royai: this is the ship i’ve been obsessing over lately, it’s between roy mustang and riza hawkeye. roy is a colonel and state alchemist (flame alchemy specifically) in the amestris military, riza being his first lieutenant and right hand. if you like eruri they are a veryyyy similar dynamic — despite how clearly they love eachother, it’s incredibly complicated bc of their positions.

im so sorry I WENT OFF in my analysis below, im clearly very deep in brain rot rn — see below for a long ass answer to this ask lolll

staying relatively vague in these character analyses to avoid spoilers just in case!

riza hawkeye is a skilled sharpshooter, despite not having alchemical skills she goes toe to toe with some intense enemies and holds her own. she often comes off as stoic but is fiercely kind and loyal and just aghhh GOOD. and despite her colonel’s seemingly aloof/cocky attitude, she is one of the few people who knows who he truly is behind his mask. she knows he’ll do anything to one day turn the country around and attempt to correct past failures that they share a similar guilt in. so she supports him, often falling into a supervisory position despite being his subordinate. although, she does not do so blindly. she serves as his right hand with the agreement that at any point she could put a bullet in him, if he were to lose his way and become something sinister. (very much levi vibes right there lol). riza challenges roy to be a better person around every turn.

roy mustang on the other hand is outgoing, a “lady’s man” and exceedingly cocky due to his gifts in alchemy and his steadfast rise to power - although, he uses this persona to mask his true intention; to rise up the ranks and become ruler of amestris. he wants nothing more than to right the wrongs being committed by his country and help to fix the damage already done. in reality he really is a bit cocky, has no sense of self preservation and is sometimes childish. but he cares deeply for every person in his charge, even putting their lives above his own (to his lieutenant’s chagrin). roy’s character is often driven by a sense of overwhelming guilt or even a poisonous desire for revenge, riza is often the only one able to pull him back, to steady him. he’s a broken and messy character but he tries his best to right his many wrongs.

riza and roy partially got to watch eachother grow up, one of the things i like about them (being a first love type trope). roy stayed with riza’s family as a young man, learning alchemy from riza’s father and eventually was entrusted with the secret to her father’s flame alchemy by riza herself - to use it for good. although, circumstances from their shared lifetime somewhat tainted that naive and pure love they once had, creating this need for them both to redeem themselves - if possible. (angsty i know) even so, there is a sense that no matter what horrors they face together, they will always cherish eachother above all others.

anyway~~ in short, riza is girlboss love of my life and roy is pathetic sad boy loser core. and i love them so so dearly.

[writesowhatnext]

not the brightest of ideas // sirius black

Summary: reader is Sirius’ side piece but you might have a few more feelings than required for this particular role

Request: Another Sirius x Reader ANGST (i'm obsessed w sirius angst i'm sorryyy😔) based on the song "The Weekend" by SZA. Sirius has a girlfriend and y/n is his side chick who is in love w him but he doesn't give a shit about her :( They dont talk in public and his friends and gf don't know about her, of course. She tells him she wants more than just sex with him but he doesn't care :( Angst ending please! Ty babe 🥺

A/N: I’m not a fan of stories with ppl cheating but I liked your request tbh bc I always hate hate hate it when people are like “no I love you I’ll never cheat on you again it was a mistake” bc personally that’s just bullshit

Reader: unspecified 

Warnings: toxic relationship!!!, cheating, nsfw, sex talk, angst, swearing

“Could you be more of a swot?” Your friend asked as she left the library, ready to go to the party. You laughed as she left, rolling your eyes. Charms essays don’t write themselves. You walked around the bookshelves, stopping by the section on levitation charms. Sliding a thick hardback from the shelf, you turned to sit down, instead walking straight into someone’s back.

“Shit, sorry.” You said as he turned around slowly. He was tall and handsome and his red tie suited him no matter how scruffily it had been knotted.

“Not a problem.” He smirked, wiping his bottom lip with his thumb. You offered a smile in response.

“I’m Sirius Black.”

You recognised the name. If his handsome face hadn’t already made you nervous, his reputation surely did.

“Y/N.”

He nodded, tonguing his cheek.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.”

He nodded again and then turned around. He walked towards another boy, James Potter if you remembered correctly. As you stood there, contemplating what exactly had just happened, he turned back to face you. You bit your lip. He shot you a wink. You stepped back behind the shelf slightly. James turned around to see what Sirius was looking at. He didn’t see you.

“What’s up, Pads?”

“Nothing.”

That’s all you ever were to Sirius Black.

You should’ve known, really. Sirius Black was notorious at Hogwarts: a handsome pureblood wizard who could and did get anyone he wanted. He was smart and talented and funny and charming and rebellious. One thing he was not was monogamous. Everyone knew that. He liked to play, especially with girls. Though, he didn’t discriminate. If he wanted something, he would take it – to hell with the consequences. When he decided he wanted you, who were you to deny him?

After you met, for months he did nothing unless you were alone. He would pass you in the corridors without a glance, he never said hello; he acted like you didn’t even exist. But when you were alone, he was completely obsessed. In empty hallways and between shelves in the library, he would whisper the dirtiest things in your ear, his hands wandering all over you. He enjoyed the effect he had on you, you just knew it. He loved the way your breathing would get shallow and the wild, blown look in your eyes. He lived for the feeling of your hands on him, the high he got from the attention. When the rumour spread that he was dating Marlene McKinnon, you expected your secretive fun to stop, especially when he kissed her in the Great Hall in front of everybody. Whispers spread throughout the castle of Marlene McKinnon being the girl that finally tied Sirius Black down. You believed them until Sirius knocked on your door in the middle of the day one weekend.

There was a Hogsmeade trip and it was the last before Christmas, so almost everyone had gone. You hadn’t been in the mood, too busy with school work and not up for having to watch Sirius and Marlene snog across a pint of butterbeer. The last person you expected to see when you opened your door was him. He was more impatient than usual, pushing past you into your empty room, casting a quick look over his shoulder to see if anyone had seen him.

“Hi.” He said, as if it hadn’t been weeks. You tried to ignore the way his grin had you weak at the knees.

“What are you doing here?”

“Aren’t you pleased to see me?”

You bit your lip. He walked forwards, a sly smile on his face as he placed his hands on your hips.

“I thought we could have a bit of fun.”

You frowned up at him, far too aware of his fingers playing with the hem of your jumper, itching to remove it.

“What about Marlene?”

He smirked, tipping his head to the side. He leant forwards and your breathing stopped as his lips pressed to the shell of your ear.

“This can be our little secret, eh?”

And, so it was. For weeks.

If the guilt about helping Sirius cheat wasn’t enough, you had to cope with feelings you didn’t expect. It had been embarrassingly easy to convince yourself that Sirius wasn’t just doing this with only you so you weren’t really that guilty in the whole thing – he was the one in a relationship after all. You hated your newly messed up, self-validating logic, but it made it easier to at least partially lift the weight on your conscience. The weight of your feelings was something else entirely. You found yourself staring at Sirius across of rooms, in class, the Great Hall, corridors, Hogsmeade, even. Something about the way he laughed, the way he teased his friends, set something alight in you. It was part of a Sirius you only ever got to see if he fell asleep before you.

As a rule, Sirius avoiding sleeping with you. He would either leave straight after sex or he would be gone by morning, usually returning to his dorm in the dead of night before you or the castle woke up. He’d made it very clear that this was only between you – no one could know. It made your heart ache. As did seeing him asleep next to you. He was so calm when he slept, so vulnerable. Some nights he had a small smile on his face that made butterflies erupt inside you. It was a different Sirius to the one you spent your nights hot and heavy with. He was so many more things than just someone to sleep with and that scared you. Every time you were together you found yourself wishing for more. You couldn’t regret your choice to carry on with your arrangement; you would take any scrap of attention you could get from him. That said, you were fully aware of how pathetic it was and you realised how stupid you were to think this would be easy. What a bad idea it was to get yourself involved with him.

Thoughts of being more than what you were with Sirius filled your mind for weeks. It wasn’t until another Hogsmeade weekend in summer that he’d been able to ditch his friends and see you. He’d passed you a note very covertly in the corridor the week before telling you to stay at Hogwarts. Part of you wanted to go to Hogsmeade just to spite him, to prove that you weren’t that desperate. You were though. When you opened the door to your dorm, him pushing past you as he always did, you felt numb. You looked behind him to see if anyone was out there. There wasn’t, obviously, they all had real relationships to enjoy - not empty moments shared in the dark. When you turned around, he was kissing you, hands pressed to your cheeks before dropping to your shirt, starting to undo the buttons. Usually, you helped him. Or took off his clothes. Not this time.

It took him a while before he noticed your overall lack of participation and stepped back, dropping his hands slightly.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, breathless and confused. You blinked.

“N-nothing. Sorry.”

He narrowed his eyes slightly but seemed to give up on his interrogation when you began to undress him. He didn’t care that much anyway. It wasn’t until you pulled back again, palms against his bare shoulders, his hands at your waist, that he huffed.

“What is up with you today, Y/N?”

There was no fondness in his voice. He’d never throw his arm around you as he did to Marlene McKinnon in the Three Broomsticks.

“I-“ you had even less of an idea of what you were going to say than he did. “I can’t do this anymore, Sirius.”

“What?”

He wasn’t hurt, that was obvious. Confused, definitely. Annoyed, probably. Not hurt though. He just pulled away from you, frowning. After a moment his hands left your body.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He said. You squeezed your eyes shut and shook your head.

“It’s not that.”

He frowned.

“I need more than this.” You opened your eyes even though you knew seeing his face would break your heart. “I want more than this. With you.”

He didn’t understand at first. Then a strangely regretful look passed over his features before it hardened completely. You hated the way a part of you lit up at the regret, happy that he cared even a little about your feelings before he went for the jugular.

“I don’t like you, Y/N.” he insisted, somewhat firmly, as if he were fishing for each word individually. “This was never going to be anything more.”

You nodded, clenching your jaw. You didn’t trust your voice, already aware of the tears blurring your vision and the lump growing in your throat. He got off your bed, pulling his trousers up. You watched him throw his shirt on, doing up the buttons quickly, haphazardly.

“Sirius, I-“ his eyes were sharp. “I’m sorry.”

He looked down to do his tie, casting one last hard look at you.

“Yeah.” He said, turning around and disappearing through the door, shutting it behind him.

You swallowed, chewing at your top lip as tears began to run down your cheeks. Part of you knew this would happen. You should’ve expected it from the start, really. It was never going to be a good idea to get so close to Sirius Black. You pulled your bed sheets over your head, desperate to hide from the world.

[entropychanges]

Tell me what you’ll do, please

So, Michael, dripping like a wet mop on the restaurant’s tile floor, stood silently as he looked between the sister of the girl whose murder he covered up only two months ago, and his lover who would rather be sent off to war than be with him. Great. He swallowed, figuring he may as well break the silence.

“Sorry, I wasn’t sure if-”

“The kitchen is closed,” Liz interrupted, looking him up and down before saying, “but you can stay until the storm lets up.”

Or, in which Michael gets caught out in the rain while sleeping in his truck, and ends up taking shelter in the last place he wants to be.

also on ao3

title (from phoebe bridger's demi moore) precedes the lyric "I dont wanna be alone" which is kind of a central theme in Michael's mindset in this fic

warnings for mention of Michael's injury, very brief and vague mention of toolshed incident near the end, lots of talk about rosa's death and liz's mourning, michael has self worth issues, michael and alex say mean things to each other bc they’re sad and scared and just like a lot of angst

(3054 words)

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When Michael woke from his drunken nap, he sobered up immediately at the feeling of his blankets being drenched and the sky being far too dark for his liking.

He knew it was going to rain that night, and had even felt it in the joints of his mangled hand. What he didn’t predict, however, was that he was going to sleep for a few more hours than he intended, waking up in the middle of a storm rather than to the late afternoon desert sun. 

“Shit, shit, shit!” he hissed, scrambling out of his truck bed and attempting to gather his linens. As he piled the soaked pillows and blankets he realized that he’d stupidly kept his bag of clothes beside him as he slept, leaving him with nothing dry to change into. He shoved his belongings into a sopping pile on his passenger seat before rushing to the other side of the truck cab and turning on the ignition with shaking hands. 

Safe from the weather outside, Michael cranked up the heater and stripped off his shirt, huddling against himself for warmth.  He ran his fingers through his curls in an effort to squeeze the water out, but to no avail. He sat like this, shivering and pathetic, for about 20 minutes before deciding that he needed a plan B. He didn’t have enough gas to use his heater for any extended period of time, and he wouldn’t have enough money for a refill until Sanders paid him for his work that week. 

So, he decided to head into town to see if he could find somewhere that would let him stay inside for the duration of the storm without expecting a dime out of him. Normally he would try the library, but that closed at 8 and according to the clock on his radio, it was around 11 pm. Damn it. Hardly anything in this sleepy town was open past 10 on a weeknight other than the bars, and the storm wasn’t helping his chances.

Monsoon season was probably the most detrimental time for his beloved old Chevy that he called home, and tonight was no exception. He could hardly see through his windshield with the mix of dust and rain smattered across it, the high-velocity winds forcing his wipers to barely keep up. He was able to see enough to drive, though, as well as to recognize the signs on the shops and restaurants. They were almost all closed, as he’d suspected, except for one - the Crashdown still had its lights on and as he pulled into a parking space in front of it, he could see two figures inside. Liz Ortecho was wiping the counter as she spoke to the person in front of her, whose back was turned to Michael. 

Only a few months ago, Michael would be too embarrassed to walk into the Crashdown at half-past 11 looking like a drowned rat and ask for a favor from his academic competitor. Now, though, Liz was going through her own living hell, which Michael felt partially responsible for, and had no room in her life to pity some punkass kid that lived in his truck. So, he swallowed his guilt and pride and shame and made his way out of his car and into the pouring rain. Without giving himself a chance to rethink this decision, he threw open the diner’s door, bringing attention to himself far too dramatically. 

And, well, shit. Maybe he would’ve been better off using his fake id to spend his night with the racist alcoholics at the Wild Pony.

The first thing he noticed was that Liz looked rough. She clearly hadn’t been sleeping, as her eye bags were dark and evident, and her skin was paler than usual. She stood stock still at his cinematic entrance, her face full of annoyance and exhaustion. She no longer looked like the nerdy girl-next-door that Max had a crush on. She looked older than her age, and, in a sense, she was. She was going through more sadness than most had in their entire lifetimes, and that thought sent a spike of pain in Michael’s chest.

 It reminded him of that selfish anger he’d been repressing since that night; anger at Isobel for killing the girls, anger at himself and Max for covering it up, anger at whatever entities left the three of them on this planet in the first place. He usually tried to shove those thoughts down before they ate away at him, but that was impossible when the consequence of their actions was quite literally staring himself in the face.

He glanced at the figure sitting on the stool across from Liz and his stomach dropped. Of course, it just had to be the very person Michael had been avoiding for the past two weeks.

He watched as Alex’s face morphed from confusion, to brief concern, and finally an annoyance that rivaled Liz’s. The last thing Michael wanted was to relive the fight they’d had after Alex told him he was enlisting in the air force. 

Alex called Michael a violent alcoholic that was wasting his life. 

Michael compared him to every birth and foster parent who had abandoned him.

Alex said Michael was no better than his abusive father.

Michael said that was funny seeing as he was following in his daddy’s footsteps.

It wasn’t pleasant.

So, Michael, dripping like a wet mop on the restaurant’s tile floor, stood silently as he looked between the sister of the girl whose murder he covered up only two months ago, and his lover who would rather be sent off to war than be with him. Great. He swallowed, figuring he may as well break the silence.

“Sorry, I wasn’t sure if-”

“The kitchen is closed,” Liz interrupted, looking him up and down before saying, “but you can stay until the storm lets up.” 

Michael nodded, flinging water from his hair. He sat in the nearest booth, looking at his hands. He didn’t exactly have a plan for what he’d do if someone were to let him in. Maybe he could sleep? He didn’t think Liz would appreciate having to wake him up to kick him out once the rain stopped, but making conversation didn’t seem like much of an option. 

When he looked back over to see that Liz had bent down to clean below the counter, Alex was still staring at him. Michael glanced back down at his hands, but it was too late. Alex approached the booth and stood over him.

“Hey, Alex.”

“What happened?”

“I fell asleep and when I woke up it was raining and all my shit was wet,” he said, still looking down. 

Alex furrowed his brows. “It started raining around 8.”

“I guess I went to bed early.”

“Is that your way of saying you passed out drunk?”

Michael raised his gaze to glare at Alex. Alex glared right back.

“Can we not do this right now?”

Alex huffed a sigh and sat across from him. Michael leaned back and turned his head, watching the downpour out the window. They sat in silence for a minute until Alex spoke up.

“You need to change your splint.”

For someone that “wouldn’t be Michael’s medicine”, Alex sure liked to act like his doctor. But, he wasn’t wrong. Michael’s splint was soaked, making it functionally useless.

“I have some gauze in the truck, I’ll fix it later,” he replied, still staring at the rain. 

“Just grab it now, I’ll help you do it.”

Michael turned back to Alex. “What? No, I-”

Alex stood up. “Get the gauze and I’ll meet you upstairs.” 

As Alex turned away, presumably to ask Liz if she was cool with him bringing the personified version of a stray dog found in the gutter up into the small apartment she shared with her grieving father, Michael conceded and ran back to his truck to grab the gauze. He could never really say no to Alex. He rushed back in, covering the gauze with his body to prevent any rain damage and, with a quick “bathroom’s on the right” from Liz, he ran up the stairs to meet Alex in the tiny restroom that Liz used to share with Rosa. Used to. Michael shuddered at the thought. He was too sober for this long night. 

Except, Alex wasn’t in the restroom. He was nowhere to be found. Regardless, Michael closed the door gently and began peeling the gauze off his hand, the feeling not dissimilar to applying a strip of wet paper-mâché to a surface. He winced at the pain, which he’d been ignoring until then, and wished he had some acetone to take the edge off. 

He glanced at the medicine cabinet.  Maybe…He opened the cabinet and there it was, half a bottle of kroger brand nail polish. Jackpot. Once he finished his second swig, the door handle started twisting. Shit. He used his telekinesis to put the bottle back in the cabinet and close the door, all while rinsing his mouth to cover the evidence. He didn’t want to think about what Alex’s reaction would be to finding him drinking Liz’s nail polish remover straight out of the bottle. “Seriously, Guerin? Alcohol not enough of a buzz for you anymore?”. Alex always called him “Guerin” when he was disappointed or mad at him. Lately, that seemed to be more often than not. 

Alex peeked his head in slowly, as if to give Michael privacy, which was frankly adorable, seeing as how many times they’d seen each other at least partially nude. When he saw that Michael was decent, he opened the door completely, revealing that he was carrying a pile of clothes and towels. 

“Here, change into these,” Alex commanded, handing him the clothes. His clothes. Michael’s ears turned red against his wishes at the thought of wearing Alex’s clothes. 

“”You always have a stash of clothes at the Ortecho’s, or is this just my lucky night?” he asked, removing his wet t-shirt. Alex turned away, making Michael roll his eyes.

“I would usually come here when things got ugly at my place. Arturo didn’t mind me sleeping on Liz and Rosa’s floor, so I kept some of my stuff here. Tonight I’m here for Liz, though,” Alex explained.

Michael removed his pants.  “You know you don’t have to turn away when I’m changing, right? We’ve seen each other naked, like, a hundred times.” 

Now it was Alex’s turn to blush. “I think a hundred is a little hyperbolic,” he said as he turned around to face Michael. 

Michael ran the towel down his body before finally ruffling his curls dry. “Well there was our first time... “

“Obviously.”

“And the time in the cab of my truck just a few days later…”

“That was just uncomfortable.”

“And then a week later when we had that picnic out in the desert at midnight…”

“Ugh, that was just gross. Do you know how many spiders and scorpions are out there? Definitely wish I’d kept my pants on for that.”

“And then add a few more in the back of my truck and that should add up to one hundred!”

“Still a hyperbole. I’d say that’s 8, total. The rest at least one of us kept our pants or shirts on.”

“Sorry, I forgot to add the ones from my dreams.”

“Oh god, please shut up,” Alex said just a little loudly, making Michael snort and put a finger to his lips. 

“Shh, Alex, c’mon. No need to wake up Arturo by discussing our epic sexcapades.”

Michael was now fully dressed in Alex’s clothes, wearing a burgundy sweater that felt softer than anything he’d ever worn before and black jeans that were just a little too tight. He looked at himself in the mirror and cracked a smile. 

“Maybe I could pull the emo look off, huh? What do you think, darlin?” He added the “darlin” as a test. When Alex was actually pissed, the pet name only ticked him off even more. When Michael was starting to get back on his good side, he brushed it off and pretended he didn’t like it, even though he definitely did. 

Alex suppressed a smile. Score. 

“I think you’re ridiculous. Now lean against the sink and hold this washcloth.”

Michael raised an eyebrow but did as he was told. 

“Here, hold the washcloth like this,” Alex said before gently moving the fingers on Michael’s left hand around the cloth. It hurt like hell, but Michael did his best to hide it. He didn’t like Alex seeing him in pain, especially when he knew Alex blamed himself. Michael didn’t want him to have another reason to feel guilty. 

“It’s good of you to come over here and be with Liz. She seems…” He trailed off, not sure of what he was planning on saying. She seems, what, bad? Exhausted? Depressed? Like she’d just had her favorite person in the world taken from her, and now the entire town was spreading lies about her? He just let Alex finish his thought. 

“It’s just what friends do. She needs support right now,” Alex murmured, wrapping the gauze around Michael’s fingers. “She’s leaving town, too, soon. Which is a good thing, I think.”

Michael stiffened at that. He already knew Liz was leaving, of course. He was just as responsible for that as he was for Rosa’s postmortem defamation. It’s that “too” that hits. Maybe it was the buzz from the acetone or the thrill of Alex watching him undress, but either way Michael was able to forget for a second about the coldness that had been between them just a few minutes ago, and the reason for it being there. That little word, “too”, was a painful reminder that hurt just a little more than the feeling of his disjointed bones being squeezed too tightly by Alex’s makeshift splint. Michael inhaled sharply to indicate this. 

“Shit, sorry, let me make this a little looser.”

Michael looked down and shook his head a tad bit too violently, trying to indicate that he didn’t give a damn about the stupid splint. 

“What? What is it Michael?”

Michael squeezed his eyes shut, knowing he was diving headfirst into the argument he was trying to pretend had never happened. 

“You can’t go.” 

Alex dropped Michael’s hand, which he’d just finished putting the last piece of tape on.

“Goddamn it, Michael, did we really not spend enough time talking about this already? I’m sick of my father looming over me, and, let’s face it. I’m not like you. I can’t just waste my life in this garbage town forever, sustaining myself on whiskey and bar fights.”

Michael opened his eyes back up and realized he had tears welling up. It wasn’t because of what Alex had said, words and insults didn’t phase him anymore. It was that his deepest anxiety was becoming his reality. Michael was going to be left behind, yet again. 

He was used to pushing his fears down, but right now he didn’t want to repress. He wanted Alex to understand exactly how he was feeling, no matter how childish or pathetic he sounded in the process.

“I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want to be alone.”

He looked up to meet Alex’s eyes. The other boy’s face melted from the defensive hardness he’d held before to something much softer. It wasn’t piteous, it was just… sad. 

“I don’t want to leave you Michael. I definitely don’t want you to be alone. You’re the only reason I’ve ever even considered staying.”

Michael looked down again. His words were sweet, but they held no meaning. It didn’t matter how much Alex cared about him, he was still leaving. 

“You know this doesn’t have to be goodbye forever, right? I’ll be coming back after basic, and then I’ll be coming home on leave whenever I can.” Alex cupped Michael’s face with his hands, forcing him to look up at him. Memories flooded in of their first kiss, when they cradled each other’s faces in the UFO emporium. Michael mirrored the movement and leaned in to Alex’s space, but didn’t close the gap. Instead, he watched Alex closely, reading the earnesty in his eyes. It seemed like he truly believed they could still be together, even through hell.

It was Alex that made the move, pressing Michael into the sink behind him and tenderly kissing his lips. Their movements were slow and gentle, much different from their usual sexual intensity. This was a different kind of intimacy. They touched each other lovingly rather than lustfully, their focus not on rushing to make each other come, but instead on patiently memorizing every detail they could. They were so enraptured with their shared space that the outside world seemed to melt away, including the door that was being pushed open behind them.

“Oh shi-” they heard behind them, shattering the moment. Alex jumped away, terror in his eyes. Michael’s heart was in his throat. Of course, it was just Liz, who didn’t actually care about their romantic involvement, just that they didn’t have sex on her bathroom sink. Still, the last time they were interrupted like this wasn’t a night they wanted to relive. 

“I just wanted to let Guerin know that it stopped raining,” Liz said, her eyes turned to the floor uncomfortably. This was her polite way of saying “please get out of my home it’s past midnight and I’ve been waiting for you to leave for half an hour”, so he took the cue for what it was and headed out the door with a nod.  

“Hey, Michael?” he heard from behind him. He turned back around. 

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving in a week. I’d like to see you before then, to say goodbye.” 

Michael gave another small nod, and headed down the stairs at twice his usual speed, not wanting either of them to hear him cry.

When he got to his truck, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anytime soon. So, instead, he devised a plan to ensure he wouldn’t be around whenever Alex decided to schedule that goodbye. 

And this plan required Kyle Valenti’s hubcaps.

[yonaih]

[r6s] faith in the world

pairing: doc x lion

word count: ~1.8k

warnings: some gore, death and the like

summary: doc can’t see whatever good is left if all he can feel is his failures. lion cares about him too much to let him devalue himself.

a/n: REPOST BC TUMBLR MOBILE DUMMMB, i DESPISE how i wrote both lion and doc but uhh it’s written so it works lmao

Lion prays. Gustave Kateb does not. Perhaps not because he doesn’t believe. Rather, he can’t. He can’t pray for the forty-nine dead recruits, or the four hundred ninety-seven dead terrorists, or the fifty-six human mutants he killed in Truth or Consequences. The fifty-six humans. He can’t do it because they’re dead. They’re dead, and there is nothing to be done about it now, no amount of praying and no amount of stim shots can bring the dead to life. There’s no going back now, Doc is off the deep end. Whispers of his mother’s Arabic prayers echo somewhere within him. He wonders if he is hearing her from his family home in France, and if she prays for him while he’s away. He wonders if she’ll pray for him, even when he’s killed in action. 

Life after death is a joke, Doc thinks bitterly throughout this mission. (Your job is to secure the area and locate the biohazard container, the mission reports told him.) He ignores the terrorists mowed down by his bullets, slowly but surely building his internal walls. There was no more room for guilt. These times of slaughter became Gustave’s way of running. It is black and white. Enemies are enemies, and allies are allies. He knows what he is doing. He can’t pray. Not anymore, at least. 

Lion recites Bible passages in his head, not taking his eyes off of the back of Doc’s head as they rush in. He shifts his gaze as they delve further into the building, peeking corners and covering other operators’ backs. He doesn’t like the hollow look in Doc’s eyes, but he can’t stop to question it yet because Montagne wants him to scan from his drone. The scan is complete. EE-ONE-D is pulling too much current, Twitch warns him over comms. She tells him he can’t scan again. Gilles’ mouth is set in a hard line. They already have one gadget out of commission. Twitch hovering in a helicopter, piloting her shock drone and watching Olivier’s. Lion is not doing fine. Not fine. Both him and Gilles are on the verge of being overrun, and Gustave has run too far ahead, leaving the other two trailing too far behind. Lion is not fine. 

Gustave doesn’t stop for anyone. The two Spetsnaz operators on the other side have found the container. Fuze warns that he’s setting a cluster charge. Gustave keeps going. He hasn’t used any stims and can no longer hear the clanking of Gilles’ shield behind him. Olivier’s voice crackles over comms, the sound of gunfire and bullets hitting Le Roc almost rendering the audio deafening. “You’re going too far, mon ami. We’re still behind you.” Without responding, Doc turns around and heads back to Lion and Montagne, much to Olivier’s relief. The three clear the room, a shock drone regarding them carefully in the doorway, letting them know that the hallway is free of terrorists. Lion nurses a few grazes on his arms and legs, mumbling a “no thank you” when Doc offers a stim in an oddly monotonous voice. There’s still no time for Olivier to question it; they’re on the move again. He is told that Rook and a group of recruits are flanking the last group of terrorists. 

Slowly creeping towards the objective, the three met  up with Fuze and Glaz. It was calm until Rook’s voice calls for help. His unit of recruits was cornered by the remaining enemies. The Russians swear and Twitch tells the rest of the GIGN that Doc, Fuze, and Lion should stay to secure the objective. Montagne and Glaz are sent to help the losing unit. The three staying back continue covering doorways, clearly tense about the fate of a fellow operator. 

“Kateb,” Olivier rumbles after a few minutes, still holding his angle. “Why did you run ahead? You’re lucky I called you in direct comms. Six would have thrown a fit.”

“Was clearing your path,” Gustave states, reloading his MP5. 

“This is not the time or the place to space out and go off on your own. You’re the one who gives us shit for doing it, what gives you the right?”

“It won’t happen again.”

Something is wrong, Lion confirms. Before he can interrogate him, Rook calls for the medic. Coast is clear, but one recruit is dead and another on the brink of bleeding out. Lion isn’t quite as fazed by it, as harsh as it may sound, but as he sprints towards the room with Fuze and Doc, he sees Gilles slumped against a wall, defeatedly watching Julien keep pressure on a coughing recruit. At the sight of loss, Lion prays silently, rubbing a rosary tucked in his pocket. Julien looks up at him, pain and turmoil deep in his eyes, almost pleading. Doc brushes past him, and Lion realizes that, after getting a good look at his face, the expression he had the entire operation was a dazed one. He still couldn’t figure it out. Something is wrong. 

Rook staggers out of the way, and the situation becomes tense, a moment of silence deafening those in the room. Everyone holds their breath, watching Gustave work tirelessly. 

Lion prays harder, hope raging inside him. 

Gustave wants to sink into the ground and die. 

It becomes a blur. Defibrillator, needles, stim shot, defibrillator, pulse jump, stitches, stim shot, flatline. 

A collective breath is let out in disappointment and Gustave’s head reels. They are ready for extraction. Gustave’s not ready. Not ready to stand, not ready to greet the wake up call that is the dead body in front of him. 

The tag reads the name “Jonathan Inglewood.” Doc reads “failure.” He closes his eyes. 

Olivier has never seen Gustave cry. He didn’t cry when his colleagues died partially because of Olivier. He didn’t cry whenever they fought bitterly before they repaired their relationship. He didn’t cry when he went M.I.A. during an earlier mission, only to be found downed in a corner, bleeding out. It changes. 

Gustave remains kneeling beside the rapidly cooling body of Jonathan. He’s shaking, but his hands are steady. The others have cleared out with the other dead recruit to plan evac. Olivier bends down, barely containing his shock and concern when he sees the other Frenchman silently crying. 

“Get up, Kateb,” Lion says, following Doc’s line of sight to the blood on his previously white gloves. He places a hand on Gustave’s shoulder, shaking him a little.

“Go ahead.” He opens his eyes. 

“What? No, let’s go, I’ll help you carry it.” “Do it myself,” Gustave mumbles, tripping over words.

“Gustave,” Olivier’s tone softens, crouching to get on eye level with the other man. “We have to leave now. We’re not leaving you behind.” The last part seems to wake Doc a little. He lifts his head slowly, tired from his unhelpful attempt to save Jonathan. “Maybe you should.” God, it sounds so pathetic saying it, but Gustave isn’t stupid. He knows he has a job to do for Rainbow, no matter how useless he thinks he is.

“No,” Lion responds, gentle but firm. He loops the medic’s arm over his shoulder and forces him to stand, half dragging him out of the room. They trek down the hall in solemn silence until Olivier comms Montagne to pick up Jonathan. Gustave tenses when Lion refers to the body as an “it.” Gilles nods at the two curtly as he passes them quickly.

Everyone waits for Gilles at the helicopter. Twitch is sitting inside, watching the others organize before getting in. Her drones are sitting beside her. Once everyone is inside, the two bodies lying in the back, Lion collects EE-ONE-D. Gustave leans against him, still crying. No one says anything, although Olivier can’t tell if it’s because they too are distracted or if they didn’t want to interrupt. 

The ride back to base is silent.

Gustave sticks with Olivier until they reach the dorms. Olivier lays him on his bed and sits next to him. Doc has been wordless the entire time, only giving half-hearted shrugs to anything. Olivier coughs a little to clear his throat.

“I know something is bothering you,” he says awkwardly, unsure of what to say. “And I know that you’ve been, er, funny since New Mexico, but what’s wrong?” Gustave eyes Olivier from his position, gaze steady. “I lose more than I win.” It’s a little too vague for Lion, but he makes the best inferences he can. “No one expects you to save everyone, if that’s what you’re talking about.” “No. I have killed more than I have saved.”

“Terrorists? Merde, you knew that you would have to in this line of work. If it bothers you, why would you sign up?”

“Not the terrorists,” Gustave bites back, looking more alive, more troubled. “The mutants back in New Mexico. Civilians, people we’re supposed to protect. Recruits that die.”

”No one expects you to save everyone,” Lion repeats. “And the mutants would have killed you without hesitation. If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t have been able to get the doctor and find that vaccine.”

“But…” Gustave trailed off, fingers tracing the creases in the bedspread. 

“I get you want to help everyone,” Olivier presses on, scooting closer to the other man. “And I understand that you don’t want to take lives, but you have to see each situation at face value. More people would’ve died without your efforts in New Mexico, but to start you had to kill the infected. It fucking sucks, but your intentions were in the right place.” He is not the most articulate, but he can see that Doc is reassured by him. 

Gustave hums, slowly sitting up. With great hesitation, he reaches for Olivier’s shoulder, tugging at the hoodie he had changed into earlier. Lion scoots closer, awkwardly trying to sit next to him. He gently reaches for Gustave’s hand, rubbing small circles on the back with his thumb. 

Neither say anything for a long time, but as the hours pass, they come closer and closer together. Gustave is tucked into the crook of Olivier’s neck. Lost in their own worlds, they cradle each other as the time between night and early morning passes. Gustave, although not showing it, finds immense relief in Olivier’s arms. His crying has long since stopped, the hurt inside of him replaced by a hollow sense of acceptance and responsibility, as well as a persistent surge of affection for Olivier. 

It hurts, it really does. The pain grasps Gustave’s heart in guilt-ridden agony, but Olivier, the stubborn bastard, is too sure that he can help the other Frenchman. He isn’t wrong. In a world of death and sacrifice and carnage and bloodshed, Olivier sits amongst it all. He clings to his faith and blindly hopes for an almighty being to do what he must. Gustave admires him for it, and finds himself slowly being taught to have that same faith in the world, regardless of ties to any religion. He holds onto his optimism the same way Olivier remains devout. They hope for the best now, and they hope together. Lion prays. Gustave Kateb does not.

[a-queer-seminarian]

free will, predestination

So i’m reading through my Presbyterian Heritage and Polity notes in preparation for my ordination exams next week and figured I’d throw all the theology that confuses me most into one text post.

Providence and Free Will

According to Calvin, God is a micro-manager:

There is no moment in your life when God is not with you, actively loving you in that moment

At its best, providence means that God is active in all parts of the world

And then this is where it gets bizarre and confusing and i just gotta be like Calvin. honey. no.

Because Calvin’s idea of free will is the compatibilist idea – free will is compatible with divine determinism

Shannon’s example: Today I put on a green shirt; God determined that I would put that green shirt on. I had the agency, I had to go through the process of choosing the shirt and putting it on, but it would not have happened if God had not determined it.

So like, I did use free will to pick my shirt – but God also made it happen. Somehow…both…are true

Everything has two layers: human agency & intention, and divine agency & intention.

Meanwhile, other theologians have another take on free will – the incompatibilist idea (Gustavo Guierrez is on this team and so am i)

God limits Hir power, gives us room to do things that are against the will of God

SO YEAH, Calvin alludes to Amos being like, “There is no evil in the city but God has done it” – like, if something bad happened it’s because God determined it will.

I just. Nope. Sorry guess it’s just the Catholic in me jumpin out but No Evil Thing Comes From God thank you very much

Shannon spent so much time and energy trying to make this make sense for us and trying to explain how the heck Calvin could believe this stuff, I love you Shannon you work so hard. has the seminary given you a raise lately? they should

Calvin’s context is key to understanding why he thinks what he does about free will

he was writing in a time of communal danger -- his community had been kicked out of the Church and exiled from their country, and feared violence from several sides

what he was saying is that no matter how messed up everything seems, we are actually safe as kittens in the hands of God 

There is no part of what is happening that is beyond God’s control and loving care

see like. I agree with that wholeheartedly. God deeply cares about what’s going on – but I can only imagine Xe has limited Hir control over what’s going on or bad shit wouldn’t happen

But yeah Shannon was like “when it’s communal endangerment like what Calvin’s little community of excommunicated refugees were going through, this theology is comforting. When it’s individual pain like a rape or abuse, it’s less comforting. When it’s suffering viewed on a global scale, that’s also less comforting”

Shannon admits she doesn’t believe that even Calvin himself would believe this stuff today – his view of suffering was so local; we now see suffering across the centuries and across the world and how race and gender and all play into that

“I don’t think it really works to say let’s take this theology and apply it to individual cases where it would be harmful, or this massive case of race across the last six hundred years”

Which is basically her way of saying we shouldn’t go with his view of free will these days i’m pretty sure. Whew. Thank you, Shannon

Okay, you know, I do kinda get it…like. If you are in a community like Calvin’s (or like ancient Judah when people wouldn’t stop conquering them and their sister nation just got frickin. wiped out.) and you are Completely Powerless, your survival depending on the Whims of rulers who don’t give a damn about you….it makes sense that thinking that everything, even the Bad, is being pre-ordained by God.

Like, “my life is not just determined by the shitty choices made by people in the past or present, but also by a God who intends good for me.”

…But then Calvin loses me again because when it comes to wondering why God decided to make the world like this – why God not only allows but apparently determines suffering –

Calvin is like, “uh that curiosity is a sin.” Calvin says you’re not supposed to ask those questions – that asking questions is good but there’s a limit

Uh, dude, ya ever read Habakkuk?? we’re allowed to ask God why

Anyway, as if that weren’t all baffling enough it’s time for the really hard part --

Predestination!!

So. One of the core beliefs of Reformed theology is that no part of us is not tainted by sin -- if we were pools of water and sin were ink, we’d see that the ink has permeated the whole pool, not just parts of it.

Therefore, as Shannon says, “it would be really bad news if our salvation were based on getting it right” -- our wills are so bound up by sin, we would not be able to save ourselves.

“Help, we’ve fallen and we can’t get up”

Luckily, no part of our salvation is up to us -- it’s all up to God

“it would be logical, Calvin says (i personally disagree bc dude wtf), for God to just throw us all away – but God decides to save all of us. What this means is that our eternal state, whether we are in heaven or hell, has no causal relation with our works on the planet. How we behave does not determine whether we go to heaven or hell. It’s God decision, made before we are born, not based on how we’re gonna be – God just decides.”

That being said...

“If God decides we are among the elect, we get some goodies – and that can help us screw up a little less in the world. But God’s grace comes first; we still cannot save ourselves on our own”

The “goodies” Shannon’s talking about are like, virtues or something; a desire to do good -- so like, we can have a pretty good idea of who is “elect” based on their actions (i’m not a fan of this and Shannon admits it’s been used to judge and stuff)

“So God saves us, and we respond to that with gratitude.”

Why this idea was a big deal back in the day, whether you agree or not:

Calvin’s idea of predestination was the ultimate stripping of power from the Roman Catholic Church – God decides, not the pope or bishops or priests; it’s not based on how good I am or how much money I have for indulgences

Some context:

Calvin is teaching all this to people who are studying to be pastors. They’re going to be going back to places where they can be killed for these beliefs – they are scared they will be murdered, and most of all they are scared they will recant under torture.

Calvin tells them: God has already saved you. You would not be in this room if God had not. If you recant, it does not undo that fact. – incredibly comforting for them

So don’t be scared – instead, you can respond to God’s grace

The idea of being “elect” should not cause one to be proud but act with humility

It is radically against Calvin’s predestination to imagine you are superior for your elect status; you have nothing to do with it

You should never be proud and judging other people for not being “good Christians.” You were not saved because you were a good Christian. You are learning how to be a good Christian because God saved you while you were a screw-up.

There is no illusion of meritocracy in Calvin’s grace theology – grace is free. No one earns it.

Okay. So. there are actually two “kinds” of predestination you can believe in:

Double Predestination:

God picked some people for heaven and picked some for hell

“I think that the number of PCUSA Presbyterians who believe in double predestination can be counted on two hands”

Single Predestination:

everyone is originally headed to hell, but God picks some for heaven (God didn’t elect anyone to hell as in double predestination; i.e. God does not actively damn anyone, God just doesn’t actively save them)

And another option based on that:

You can argue that grace is free for absolutely everybody -- everyone has been elected, predestined for heaven

Barth is one who says that every human being is predestined to heaven

What about atheists and/or non-Christians?

faith is a requirement but also a gift

broaden the idea of what the response to being elected is

did Calvin assume everyone elect was in the church? yes. But his theology does not actually require it.

maybe a faithful response can mean more than blatant assent to Christ

___

The monster under the bed of all this predestination stuff is the Protestant Work Ethic that developed from it after Calvin’s death

everyone trying to demonstrate that they are among the elect by being better

that’s the exact opposite of Calvin’s point!

this attempt to prove we’re elect evinces our sinful nature:

oh, we don’t work to earn our salvation? okay, we’ll work to prove it instead

and a pit of guilt:

some of us feel like we have to work nonstop for the betterment of the world as we live out our salvation

the theological definition of pride is the attempt to justify your own life

“I know that my life is worthwhile because I have these friends, I’ve accomplished these things, I help these people” 

Calvinist theology says No, your life has already been justified and you didn’t have anything to do with it. And now you live that out in gratitude and grace of others.

To sum all this up,

There’s a lot of Calvin’s thoughts here that I don’t think I agree with. I absolutely do not believe that evil things are determined or willed in any way by God -- but I do understand a little better the context that led Calvin to believing that.

I also only like a Predestination that argues that all humanity has been elected -- because “God shows no partiality” -- how or why would God only have chosen some of us sinners and not others? Is God arbitrary?

Still, I like how this theology of Predestination was part of Calvin’s attempts to do away with meritocracy. That’s something so many of us, especially people like me who are white and act like we are successful because of our own merit (we “pulled ourselves up by our own bootstraps” without regard for all the unearned privileges that support our economic well-being) could stand to learn. We don’t earn salvation -- it’s a gift. If we truly grasped that, we would be liberated from our sense of guilt and shame and from our pride.

But even though I get it a little better, I really hope that predestination does not show up on the exams next week.

[overplannedbutunnamednpc]

otp askboys!! for kiya/timeless: 1 15 17 23 for hmmm... gladelent 5 13

sam i owe you my life and livelihood for asking about kiya/timeless, the ship only i care about with absolutely no “canon” interaction except in my own head because i’m a bastard who Just Thinks They’re Neat.

Kiya/Timeless:

1. What are things they both find funny?

it didn’t use to be like this, but i think at this point kiya does find humor in the fact that she has no Fucking clue what timeless’ deal is, and timeless has always found it funny that No One knows what their deal is. also, I think they both find a great deal of humor in the antics of MFU and MFL. timeless tends to know things kiya doesn’t know, and kiya tends to know things timeless doesn’t know. makes for a good time!

15. What are traits they dislike in one another?

kiya doesn’t actually like that timeless keeps so many secrets. she really likes Knowing things and having Information, and timeless’ whole Thing is that fucking no one knows what their deal is. they protect that jealously, and even if kiya understands that there are some things that she will not be able to know, and things that she will not be told, she still very much dislikes that she has to take “you just don’t know and no one will tell you” as an answer.

timeless dislikes kiya’s apparent inability to treat herself. they very much believe that when you find something or someone good, you should take it with no hesitation, and keep it as you would keep something precious. kiya will like, tell them that she doesn’t know if she should have x or y because of her past and her guilt, and they will just go ???. part of this is because guilt is a bit of a foreign concept for them, but they also very much admire kiya regardless and quite dislikes that she tends to deny herself basic hedonism and indulgence.

17. What senses (sights, smells, feelings, etc). remind them of each other?

timeless is reminded of kiya with most magical things. this is partially because of their deal with her/MFU, and the fact that they do produce magical items for MFU and are usually thinking of that when looking at magical items. they also very much like chocolate for kiya-related reasons - she has a usual “coffee” order that is basically hot chocolate, and she tends to have one in hand when stopping by, trying to catch timeless out of their shop somehow. they have come to associate that smell with kiya.

kiya is reminded of timeless when addressed with a certain Tone, that tends to be accompanied with a smile you can hear and a “kiyaaaa” on an exhale. she associates the cheery ding! of a bell coming into a building with timeless. there’s also the drape of any heavy fabric, especially velvet, like on a cloak or skirt or robe. anything heavy and clearly form-hiding. she also has a very strange positive association with the smell of ozone, because timeless tends to smell as such when he comes to the storefront from “””””the back””””””.

23. Write a ~300 scene between them with no dialogue, only body language.

Kiya is looking the selections of hempen versus silk rope, considering how much she’ll need to pick up for the new adventurers, who apparently haven’t learned yet that tying themselves together in a dangerous part of the Underdark is never a good idea, and lost most of their adventuring kits as a consequence.

She’s also waiting, though she doesn’t know that she will cop to that.

The employee currently behind the counter of Timeless’ Highgrasp shop looks bored, their job pretty much done when she came in, they asked her if they could help her with anything, and she had politely declined. She has the feeling that they know she’s waiting.

She loops the hempen rope around her arms a few times and has just moved on to the pitons when she hears a barely-there whisper of thick fabric dragging along the floor and turns around.

Timeless’ prettily polished leather beak is pointed down, towards the rope that she has, admittedly, ruined the display of. They are fixing it, their gloved hands quick and deliberate. Kiya moves on, to quick-packed dry rations, and watches over her shoulder as Timeless, deliberate, moves to fix the pitons she left.

It’s about then that Kiya starts smiling. Mostly because she didn’t actually mess up the piton display, and this is very clearly teasing, at least, as teasing as Timeless can be without actually speaking or showing facial expression.

She flits around the store for the next few minutes, shadowed by her fabric-draped dance partner, smile slowly blooming into a grin. From rations it’s candles, then vials of oil. She stops at the ink bottles only to rearrange them, without picking any up, and moves on to the soap.

Once her arms are most of the way full and she can’t justify staying any longer despite her shadow, Kiya turns around, and almost smacks into a beak as a result. She schools her grin into a (badly acted) expression of shock. “Timeless! I didn’t see you there! Can you ring me up?”

“Ah, Kiya! Of course, my sweet, I didn’t notice you either. Come with me.”

Glade/Relentless:

5. What activities do they enjoy together?

from rp experience: glade and lent making fun of mfu Very funny and good. see: the conversation about what the hell happened with zaani. I think it’s VERY funny if one of their together activities is being A Little Messy. like not a lot because lent is very much lawful good. but also. i feel like she still gets a little >:3 when glade is like “guess what damien Ate Shit at the farmers market today” bc. who doesn’t wanna hear about damien crownsguard faceplanting into horse shit.

13. Name something they would never do for the other person.

I think glade might draw a line at lent actually going back to the crownsguard, without any apology from the crownsguard/amaunator/etc. like if lent just went “maybe I was wrong? i’m going back to be ground under their heels again like i’m not the most luminous person anyone will ever have the privilege to meet” then glade literally might have to go. okay. i will not let you bring our daughter into that kind of thinking and i am sorry that i was not able to convince you that you are worth more than anything they say of you, but our (my) daughter will never be told that she is nothing without the law to tell her who she can be.

[deniigi]

Sooo happy to hear you completed, however partially, your last chapter of dissertation. Congrats! 🎉 I did notice tho that you skirted around answering if B’s Matt has crossed that killing threshold. Is this on purpose? Are you avoiding answering or just on accident? Do u not know bc you haven’t decided what you want him to be? Are there secrets? HMMMMMM?! Squints and tries to read too much into your answers. But well, may health be with you in the upcoming flu season.

Hi Anon!

Lol you’ve gone too far! I’m not avoiding it on purpose lol, but the question is an interesting one.

So B’s Matt has absolutely crossed that threshold, but it’s not his usual mode of handling things.

Like, realistically, it shouldn’t be too surprising that he has. Matt’s idea of a No-Kill policy is pretty much a ‘walk them to the edge of life and death and give ‘em a shove. If they fall, that’s between them and gravity’ policy.

But that aside, let’s talk about characterization, since I’ve got you here being super invested and clearly intelligent and shit

I suppose it’s like this when it comes to my Matts; there are a number of attributes and behaviors that I tend to think of as inherent to all Matt Murdocks. Those are things like, selfishness, PTSD and trauma from childhood abuse, fear of having strong emotional attachments to people, places, and things, sharp wit, great intelligence, a swinging sense of confidence and impulse control, a really indomitable drive to get what he wants, pragmatism, patience, etc. etc.

So when I make a Matt, I lean heavier on some of these attributes/behaviors and pull back some of the others and see what I get.

So like, for example: Inimitable Matt. Since he’s a little older, I tend to lean on his struggle with developing emotional attachments to new things, his patience, and his impulse control since age has an interesting effect on the ways that people approach these things. This gives me a Matt who’s still very young at heart, but also very aware that he’s getting older; he feels responsible for the young ‘uns, he doesn’t want them to suffer, he realizes that what he wants for people is for them to feel happy and stable because that’s what his current emotional attachments have helped him feel. This makes him the type of Matt who is less likely to be drawn over that line of killing someone; he’s got more control over himself than that and he’s got more resources (in the form of friends, medical support, money, etc); the more resources you have, the less strong the effects of stress tend to be on you.

That doesn’t mean that he’s never killed anyone. It just means that he’s not likely to exhibit that type of behavior in the works that I write.

Now, for B’s Matt, I’ve decided to lean in on his impulse control, trauma, fear of humanity in general, and really, his intelligence. I’ve given him very strict parameters that he’s fighting to fit into (heterosexual, hypermasculine, highly educated professional), so his resources : stress ratio is all fucked up.

Those parameters are completely at odd with the attributes I’ve chosen for him; they don’t fit each other very well, in order for them to work together, they’ve all got to be taken to the extreme. That makes him much more volatile than other Matts. It makes him kind of an asshole to most people, really great at his job (both of them) and much, much less able to pull himself back from the brink of dealing out a finishing blow.

He needs closure, this Matt. And that’s his main struggle. He’s not getting it from anywhere or anyone, so it’s compounding his stress and whoops! Wow, let’s watch that resources : stress ratio balloon out of proportion even greater!

Anyways, I know this was a long, complicated answer, but if you do want to read between the lines to really get inside my characters’ heads, this is a great way to do it :D

It might help those of you out there who are super-sleuths and who delight in chasing stories with your brains and seeing if they line up in real time (these people are incredible btw. They can predict shit like, as I’m writing it. It’s unreal.)

Anyways, the short answer anon is yes, B’s Matt’s killed people. He doesn’t like it, he feels immeasurable, crushing guilt for it, but he’s done it and he doesn’t think he was entirely wrong in every circumstance to do it.

[roominthecastle]

"Rassvet” delves into the time period between Katarina’s first suicide attempt in February, 1991 (following her run-in w/ the Osterman death squad) & the strategic “resurrection of Raymond Reddington”. Timeline-wise we are good here, imo, otherwise things get... interesting. More behind the cut:

Red told Liz that her mother walked into the ocean 2 months after the Christmas fire (1990). This date checks out. At the shelter, we can hear the news announcing the results of the Lithuanian Independence Referendum. This happened (for real) on February 10, 1991. We also know that Ilya/Red had his first surgical procedure on October 3, 1991. So it’s an 8-month period and not 6 as Liz says, but it’s not that big of a difference (you’re bad at simple math, Liz, and I can relate). Dom says that the various reconstructive surgeries took place over a one-year period, so Ilya/Red likely walked into the first bank towards the end of 1992. Katarina was still alive here and that matches Dom’s claims that 1) he came to the US after the collapse of the Soviet Union (so anytime after December 31, 1991) and 2) that he met Katarina a few months after he arrived, then he never saw or heard from her again. And this is where Dom’s story ends.

Katarina’s “death”, however, is trickier. The show’s been playing fast and loose w/ Red’s “I’ve never lied to you” for a while now, and what he’s told Liz about her mother’s death is def on the very loose end here. Ilya/Red claimed Katarina committed suicide. Well, she did (“I went into the ocean to end my life.”), it was just an unsuccessful one and Ilya/Red did believe her to be dead for a while. He also claimed she was never the same after the fire, and her death is treated as a symbolic one throughout this episode, too (“The woman who walked into the ocean is dead.”). But I still think she is likely dead for real now, she just died later as a consequence of their Reddington Charade, likely as a result of a betrayal that contributed to why Red is the way he is today, why he accepts nothing less than utmost/undivided loyalty, and why he feels so much guilt around Liz, believing that he can never give back what he took from her.

So the dates are fine and, at the end of the day, “Lizzie, your mother is dead” is a statement that holds true, imo (at the very least as a “clever turn of phrase” if Kat is “gone” like Samar is, i.e. never coming back, never able to reach out). For now, I am at peace w/ this.

We also have confirmation that Ilya/Red was indeed there when Liz shot her father. They pulled the dying Reddington from the flames before the firefighters arrived, but he soon died in Katarina’s arms. Then -- after burying him -- Ilya/Red and Kat probably went their separate ways bc he only read about her suicide and had no idea that she survived. In fact, we find him back at work at the Embassy all perky and business as usual, which feels emotionally disjointed from the importance Katarina seems to suddenly take on in his life when he decides to sacrifice everything to protect her. Interestingly, he makes no mention of Liz in this initial vow of protection. In fact, he seems to have no particular investment/interest in Liz whatsoever, and, as we know, his promise of taking care of her “as his own” is never followed through, either.

So if Katarina is as important to him as that monumental sacrifice implies, how come he wasn’t out of his mind with grief before when he thought she’d drowned? With Liz, he is emotionally consistent: his devotion is 100% and so is his devastation when he believes her to be dead. I don’t see this w/ Katarina. There is an inconsistency here that makes me think that there was more behind his willingness to take over Reddington’s identity than a childhood pledge but the answer to this is in the missing parts of the story.

I am def not disputing that Katarina was important to him. They clearly had a bond. I think that childhood pledge was real, too, bc it’s something Dom would know about and it got repeated. I also buy the unrequited & unconditional love scenario bc it fits Red’s personality and he already dropped a comment about this to Liz. But I don’t see them as lovers.

Katarina was decidedly not interested, she was devastated by Reddington’s death, even had a second suicide attempt. She was in love w/ Reddington and also married to/lived with Kirk in Soviet Russia at the time Ilya/Red was stationed in Washington, so I really don’t see how tacking on a 3rd (long-distance) relationship would have fit her life or why. In this ep, they also stayed in separate hotel rooms, Ilya/Red knocked before trying to enter hers -- this behavior doesn’t match two people being in an established intimate relationship (even if it’s on-again, off-again) and I got the same vibe from Red’s POV in “Cape May”, too. Liz is his life and heart, the woman he loves, and after this latest episode, the parallel btw how Katarina and Red react to the death of the person they were in love with is clearer and stronger than ever. For Katarina it was real Reddington. For Red, it is Liz. And I am not even gonna get into the “my child is being raised by someone else” angle but it parallels, too: Katarina put a pin in her original “plan” and came back to make sure Liz was safe. Red did the same for Agnes.

Anyway, what we have in “Rassvet” is, imo, a blend of standard limited 3rd person narration + a curious (infuriating? depends on your perspective) case of an unreliable narrator, which resulted in 2/3 of the messages I got that range from “WTF did I just watch?” to “it doesn’t really add up” and “what about his family??” I don’t believe it’s supposed to add up (yet) and stuff is missing (for now) for a reason.

This ep taps into the signature style of previous flashbacks:

“Cape May” is Red’s distorted recollection filtered through a cocktail of opium, guilt, grief, and suicidal ideation

“Requiem” is Mr. Kaplan’s trip down memory lane that’s skewed by her severe physical/mental/emotional traumas

“Rassvet” is a classic story-inspired-by-true-events Dom tells his granddaughter

There is no objective record of past events presented to us in TBL. We never had that and we might never will. We have memories from sources that are compromised -- biased, altered, censored, redacted -- in various ways, and “narrators” who are unreliable for various reasons. In other words, we have stories and storytellers with agendas.

The lack of reliable omniscient narration becomes evident in “Rassvet” that fittingly revolves around the creation of an identity from a mix of hard facts and anecdotes -- “some true, grounded in reality, some invented” -- for a purpose that (imo) remains partially obscured. It is perfectly captured in both Red’s scene w/ Liz and his subsequent confrontation with our most recent storyteller, Dom: “I know the broad strokes, I know who I am. I need to know the details of exactly what you’ve thrown out there into the ether.”

Red used to be Ilya but the Ilya we see in this episode is Dom’s version -- idealized and incomplete, mostly to fit the story and Dom’s reasons for telling it. This is why Red needs to know what exactly has been said, imo. Liz has already told him the broad strokes and he is Ilya, but the details Dom used to color over things ended up painting a distorted picture that made Red twitch as he listened to Liz in that restaurant. “I know who I am”, he tells Dom but it sure seemed that he only recognized parts of himself in what Liz repeated back to him. The technicalities of him becoming Reddington were told. The whys and hows of his mental/emotional de-evolution are still unclear, imo. This is what Liz touches upon, as well, when she asks him why he stayed Reddington after his alleged original motivation (accessing the $40-million “frame fund” to use it to stay ahead of those hunting Katarina and him) was satisfied. And he naturally dodges her question.

Red detests monsters who masquerade as saviors. This was established at the very beginning when he demolished one of Liz’s idols, as was his view of himself as a violent, ruthless man and self-proclaimed monster who’s sick with guilt and grief and can only atone by protecting Liz. But now, thanks to Dom’s story, she has a skewed view of him as some selfless hero with the purest of original motivations. He was visibly uncomfortable when she believed him to be her father bc he is not that. He is uncomfortable to be perceived as her hero, too, bc he is not that, either, and he def does not see himself that way, either.

Red knows what we know and is angry about it: Dom omitted parts from his narrative and embellished or maybe even invented others. Dom blamed Red for Katarina’s death. He forgave her betrayal but not Red’s (which reminded me of Aram’s situation w/ Levi and Red’s reaction to it), and we have seen Red blaming himself, too, but that tragedy, the event necessitating a “Hobson’s choice” (either letting both Liz and Katarina die or saving one) is missing from the story. Dembe once told Red that Liz may never be ready to hear what he did to Katarina, but there is no trace of that in Dom’s story; it is all unconditional love and pure sacrifice. There is no trace of Red’s own family tragedy, either, but I still don’t believe any of this is forgotten or rewritten.

The former is likely omitted bc Dom’s “storytelling agenda” was to reconnect with Liz, smooth things over, and help everyone move forward. This motivation was floated in the previous episode via his carside chat w/ Red that’s all about the topic of forgiveness: “Why did she turn you in? What did you do that made her want to do that?” | “I haven't ever been totally forthright about myself. She thought she'd have a better chance of finding out more if I was in prison and couldn't interfere.” And it is brought to a conclusion -- on Dom’s part -- at the end of “Rassvet” when he tells Red: “What you need to do is to thank me for putting all of this behind you.” I think the story was Dom’s way of offering forgiveness to Red (a response to his “You forgave Katarina but not me” in the previous ep) and helping him move on. He believes he told Liz enough to give her closure, too. Red seems to disagree, claiming that this likely made things worse. He’s probably right and I cannot wait to see how it unfolds.

I think the other major omission -- that of Red’s family tragedy that’s been alluded to in earlier seasons -- is not in Dom’s story bc he doesn’t know about it. At least I had this feeling when Red showed up on Dom’s doorstep after Liz’s “death”. Dom acted like Red had never experienced the devastating loss of a family, saying sth along the lines of “You think now you know how I feel?!” If he knew about Red’s/Ilya’s wife and daughter, he never would have said that, imo. Also, Red was an operative and worked in the Ambassador’s Residence in D.C. that still housed the Soviet embassy in 1991. When he met younger Dom in Moscow, he greeted him by saying “Sir, it’s been too long.” So they were likely not in touch for a long time and Ilya/Red was stationed in the US for who knows how long and for what mission (it seems he was translating a report on a USA/USSR Maritime Boundary Agreement when Katarina’s crossword code popped up on the screen). This “blank period” gives us room for that missing story piece (which likely happened around/after 1987) and a plausible reason for Dom to not be aware of it.

Dom was not aware of the existence of the Cabal, either, until Katarina got caught up in their web, so I think it’s v likely that they were also responsible for killing Ilya/Red’s family, which -- coupled w/ wanting to protect Katarina -- would be a proper, plausible motivation for him to take on Reddington’s identity given that it provided him w/ something even better than $40 million: tangible access to the Cabal and the Fulcrum. The new identity brought the seed money and a stepping stone to launch his Odyssean mission.

[bpdanakins]

Name ten favourite characters from ten different things (books, tv, film, etc.) then tag ten people

I was tagged by the dear @gffa who clearly enjoys making these lists and seeing everyone else also struggling with just choosing ten. It’s hard but I shall do my best sdfk <3

1. Lara Croft - Tomb Raider Okay, let’s just get it out: I prefer reboot!Lara. idk I know some people think she sucks and the games suck for whatever reason, but I found the games and their mechanics super fun, and Lara’s story really compelling. She was a young girl who was determined to make her own way in the world, and instead went through something extremely traumatizing. She kept pushing through, kept getting back up no matter what the world threw at her. She went on this clear journey that was compelling and fun and messy. She wasn’t perfect. She pushed people away, she fucked the world up because she was determined to find the answers she felt would make all she went through make sense. Her survivor’s guilt was present really well in RotTR but most especially in SotTR. People were dying but she was so focused on finishing her personal mission. She was numb to it despite the fact it still horrified her. And her arc ended well. She finally was able to reach a place where she was able to let go of her losses and try to join society again. And I’m gay for her. So, you know.

2. Senua - Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice I cannot recommend this game enough. It’s tough to play bc it’s not just a horror game but you feel a lot of Senua’s anxiety, which is part of the point to the game. Senua’s a Celtic warrior who suffers from psychosis, and the game devs worked directly with both professionals and those who experience psychosis. There’s a whole mini doc to it which is great, even if you can’t stomach horror. You’re in Senua’s head with her throughout the game. You see what she sees, you hear all she hears, and she talks to you directly at times. But the beauty of the game is Senua’s true journey. She goes on a quest to try to rescue a loved one she lost to Vikings, but the real story is about a girl realizing she’s not a monster for seeing the world differently. That the abuse and ableism she faced weren’t her fault at all. There’s so many little things I can point to in this game that just made me so emotional, and it’s such a beautiful and necessary story to tell. Senua is great and deserves a hug.

3. Anakin Skywalker - Star Wars If you asked me at what point in my life Anakin became one of my favourite characters, to the point I frequently talked about him even on my main blog at random intervals, I couldn’t tell you. I haven’t the faintest idea; he just was. And if you asked me why he was a fave early on, I also couldn’t tell you lmao. It might partially be that I grew up on the prequels, and maybe at such a young age I didn’t really grasp at first that this was a story about a guy who was already revealed to be a villain, but I haven’t the faintest clue. He just is now, and I’m so passionate about his story. He’s complex and difficult and written so well. You want him to be happy, you feel heartbroken seeing a good character fall so deep, and you want to smack him upside the head a whole lot. You laugh at his silly dialogue (which he has as Vader too smh), you cry when you see him struggling, you become horrified by his actions. His story’s also a great inversion of the Chosen One trope - whereas usually we see Chosen Ones struggle, become imperfect and undoubtedly traumatized, they remain heroes the whole time. Anakin doesn’t. He becomes the bad guy, one of the worst in the series (Palps takes the award tho). But even then, when you think this guy has nothing to offer but an intimidating villain, he’s shown to have good. And then we see how much good he had all along, the good he forgot and was punished for and hated himself for. His heart that had good intentions but he chose the worst actions. He’s complicated and I love him. And more over, I love how many people who struggle or have mental illness can relate to him. I love that he wasn’t treated as a guy whose actions were glorified, but that were honest in both the good ones and the bad ones. Anyone can fall, and anyone can get back up, if they choose to. I just. Love him. He means a lot.

4. Commander Shepard - Mass Effect I know that Shep is technically the player’s character and can be any combination of person, but anyone who’s played Mass Effect would get why they were put here. The original trilogy for Mass Effect touched on so many things, and was a really emotional one. You had your great moments with friends, you had your struggles against both unknown horrors, and horrors close to home (so to speak). There are so many small moments that stick out to you, and idk how many people can say that playing this story didn’t impact their life in a meaningful way, bc I can’t see how it couldn’t. I’ve played the games many times, but even after all of this, there are moments that I not just still get emotional to, but take on new meaning as I go through my life. And Shepard’s the hero of the story. They’re not perfect, and they can downright be an ass if you play them that way, but their story is one of perseverance, of fighting on even when entire worlds are being lost and everyone is still looking to them. Everyone needs them to find a solution. But even then, it’s a story about friendship too. About tons of amazing characters that all have their own motivations, their own pasts and goals and hopes and failures. About how all these varied characters become a found family. And so Shepard’s the hero of the story, but their companions aren’t just there to be sidekicks, but end up with all their own accomplishments and arcs and you go on this journey with all of them. idk the whole series is great dsalkkljads

5. Lexa & Clarke - The 100 Let’s not talk about how terrible this show got and how messy it was because we all know. But it started with a really compelling story that was interesting, and to see two characters on screen who were flawed but understood each other, and to have them both be women - one who was a lesbian and one who was a bisexual?? It made me so excited and it’s a really flawed show but it meant a lot to me at the time to have a couple like that on a tv show, and so despite all its flaws, that relationship still means a lot to me. 

6. The BAU team - Criminal Minds Yeah, I put the entire friggin team down, and that means all of them. There was only maybe two or so characters that were on it I didn’t like so every iteration is put down. Criminal Minds isn’t exactly a complex show; it’s a typical crime drama, and its unique feature is that it looks into the behaviour and minds of criminals instead of finding the science, like we saw with CSI. But the episodes were compelling and entertaining to watch, and, what do you know, there’s a found family at the center of it all and naturally I’m a sucker for it. Strangely enough this show is kind of a comfort one to me, bc it’s entertaining but not always overwhelmingly emotional. I can put it on at any time and just have it on in the background, or when I’m not feeling well, and I’ll enjoy myself. Also strangely enough, I’ve seen almost every episode enough times that there’s a game in my house to see how long it takes for me to recognize the episode and its plot once a rerun is put on lmao. There’s a lot of good shows like this out there - I enjoy SVU a lot too - but something just draws me to the characters on this one. We’ve been with them for, what, 14 seasons?? And we’ve seen them go thru some shit, we’ve seen them grow and change and they’re all really unique. It’s not a complex show but it is good enough to just binge. A part that plays in it is probably the time in my life I started getting into it too, but I’m alright with standing by it.

7. Korra - Avatar: The Legend of Korra I probably don’t need to wax poetic about atla or atlok much at all. I just love her journey, as a brash and overconfident girl who realizes that being the Avatar is hard, the people expect so much and there’s a lot put on your shoulders. That, when things go wrong, people will blame you. She went and became this giant blue monster thing, but her struggles were all human. Her PTSD was shown really well, despite it being a kid’s show. She’s fun and her journey is lovely and it’s definitely true that Korrasami did it way better, and both characters are bi women too (◡‿◡✿) We Do Not Talk About That Dumb Love Triangle Nonsense Though

8. Chloe & Max - Life is Strange What can I even say about this game? I don’t know. If you’ve played it, you’ll know why it’s here. It’s.... way deeper than you’d think it’d get at first. I love the story, and I love the journey Max and Chloe go on together. I love their friendship, how Chloe was always trying to uplift Max and encourage her to follow her dreams, and Max just doing the impossible for Chloe. I love their relationship, because it was built on support and love and struggle. I love their complexities, their flaws, their strengths, their times together. I just fskljdjlksfd love them, I love this game and all its various stories and character arcs. It’s all so beautiful and raw and unique and yay, another pair of ladies loving each other is on this list.

9. Solas - Dragon Age: Inquisition Okay. There’s a TON of characters I adore in Dragon Age, and to be honest, I don’t know he’d be my absolute top one. But I do like his story. I love Dragon Age companions, because, like in Mass Effect, they’re all their own characters with their own stories and journeys. Solas is flawed. Like, really flawed. Here’s another guy on my list who went and fucked up the world a bit. His worst actions (and the consequences of them) were built on good intentions, on his desire to help his people. We can get into the way this direction BW went with the elvhen religion was icky, but it’s a different conversation. I adore elvhen lore and I love exploring theories on it all the time. For Solas, I just like that he’s complex. I mean, he’s still silly and kinda weird, and he loves to hear himself speak on topics and loves Lavellan for encouraging him to never shut up, but most of all I kind of like their relationship? A friendship with Solas is still great, but I like that it’s an asexual one (don’t fight me on this, idc, it’s how I see it). It’s soft, built on mutual respect, one with no pressures or expectations. Solas asks for time and Lavellan gives it. There’s no fade to black s.ex scenes that so many times aren’t optional in BW games. I just really like my asexual wolf god egg ok

10. Mulder & Scully - The X Files Okay, it’s super hard to choose characters for this holy heck. BUT I really, really, really love their relationship. Mulder is an idealist who believes in the supernatural, and Scully his pragmatic scientific counterpart. And we could talk about how Scully’s character as a woman in science meant to a lot of people, and how Mulder’s tenacity to not give up on his beliefs is a nice one (when it’s not getting him into trouble). Their relationship is the slowest of slow burns in television history, I think. But it’s good that way. Scully starts out thinking Mulder’s just a delusional guy, one who’s intelligent but wastes his accomplishments, and he knows that. Then they go through shit, they’re a team and many times it’s them against a whole bunch of unbelievable stuff (and their own government). What I loved most was also their son, and I’m literally deleting all knowledge of the new seasons from my brain bc I think it was gross and took away from the story, but I liked that they were so close, loved each other so much despite there not really being a romance yet, that Scully trusted to go to Mulder to donate to her bc he was the only one she could think of for this. It’s another asexual relationship on screen, and it’s built on a love that happens over time. I just fljksdfkjl could go on about it too.

-

This was hard lmao. I wanna give an honorary shout out to Peggy Carter since she had wonderful lines like: “I know my value. Anyone else’s opinion doesn’t really matter.” Which is *chef’s kiss*. Peggy was the true unsung hero of the MCU and they gave her and Steve a weird ass ending.  

idk who to tag bc I’m not sure who’d be into this, but if you’re willing, I’d love to hear from @sapphicfinalpam, @mariaromanovs, @vinterskald, @zombiefishgirl, @nb-aziraphales, @serkonans and anyone who feels like doing it. Feel free to obvs ignore this, or only make a list without rambles, idk. I am never too sure about who’s into this or not, but if I didn’t tag you and you wanna do it, you can just say I tagged you and I definitely wanna read what you have to say!

[jawllines]

ahh please write bad boy harry blurb with thigh riding!!! bc she only recently had her first kiss and harry wants to ease her into all of it and he probably will say really sweet things to her and play with her hair during it please please i️ need this

HELO HERE IT  IS I HOPE YOU LIKE IT 

(FOR THOSE WHO ARE UNAWARE THIS IS BASED OFF OF THIS ONE SHOT I WROTE A WHILE AGO)

Y/N is rattled with nervous excitement and bubbled arousalat the prospect of what Harry was offering her. The both of them wound up sotight for their days in school, with pent up frustrations building in differentspots that just needed to be released. Unfettered from their tight muscles andheavy minds in a way that not even a mindless binge of Stranger Things wouldallow (especially since Y/N gets so stressed out as she watches).

So, Harry had suggested that maybe they get theirfrustrations out in other ways – more, recreational and filthy ways – but Y/Nhad yet to tell him she’d never really donethat before. He had been her first real kiss, so of course she hadn’treally hit that territory yet, and she had no idea how to tell him that. Didn’twant him to think she was a baby or something, as he already teases her forbeing so inexperienced with certain things (if she got grumpy he’d always tellher, “That just means I get to experience so many firsts with you Bambi, n’that’s so exciting,” and suddenly Y/N isn’t as grumpy about it).

She excused herself to the bathroom, so she could giveherself a preemptive pep talk into going in there, pretending she had any cluewhat she was doing, and making Harry cum so hard that he felt it in his toes.However, this “pep talk” took a drastic turn in her imagining terriblescenarios of the possible events. It’s not like she means to have such a lackin self-confidence, but it’s hard knowing that he’s been with all of thesegorgeous, model-esque girls when she feels nothing of the sort. Compared tothem she feels just…well, just the worst, and she often wonders why Harryeven bothers, sometimes.

 And she knows she shouldn’t think that way, but she couldn’thelp it sometimes. No matter how much Harry covered her with kisses and calledher a “cutie” she could never shake that all she was, was cute. Which wasn’tbad! Not bad at all, she liked being cute to him, but she also wanted to bemore things. She wanted him to think that she was sexy and hot – something he might’vejerked off to out of a magazine once, maybe. That’s what he’s used to gettingand she feels like she’s thoroughly unsatisfying him.

Though neither had come out and said that they’re togetheror anything like it, but after the kiss – after they kissed on his blanketlooking at the stars (and all that sappy, cliché stuff), they’d certainly growneven closer. They went on things that could be classified as dates but theynever called them that, and Harry loves giving kisses but never said she washis girlfriend or anything, and they cuddle, snuggle, and have loads ofsleepovers but they were doing that before the kiss anyways. There’s nothingkeeping Harry with her – there’s no commitment underlying that has him staying.If he wanted to fuck someone he could just get up, walk out the door, and findsomeone – if he hasn’t already. Someone who isn’t just cute. Someone who issexy and hot and curvy in all the right places. Someone he can grab handfuls ofand just wants to take a bite into, or something. Some ethereal being, male orfemale, to just rock his entire world like she’s not doing.

 It’s safe to say her pep talk has disheartened her a greatdeal and she’s fighting back tears. Her brain is so mean sometimes, bringing upall these terrible things at such a pivotal moment. But she has to tell him –at least then, if they do something it’s at least partially explained. How shethinks of it is that you can’t make fun of someone for missing a basket whenthey’ve never thrown a ball. If anything, she’ll ask Niall to give her sometips and tricks on how to be a more sexual entity later, so she can set a dateand truly make Harry go batty with her on top of him.

 She gives herself a few pregame taps to the cheeks beforeturning to the door and walking out of it with one last deep breath. When shegets to the living room, Harry is sat where he had been, leaning against thearm of the couch with his legs kicked up and his eyes trained on the TV. Beanietossed on the coffee table limply, his hair fluffied soft with a stray curlfalling out onto his forehead. His body all long, lean, and sinewy – Harry wastruly gorgeous. It makes her heartbeat race still, even more so when he tiltshis head to look over to her and gives her a big smile, “Hi Bam—”

 “I’m a virgin!” She cuts him off and Harry blinks, startledby her sudden statement. Perhaps she could’ve done that better – certainly shecould’ve done that better – but a weight feels like it’s lifted off hershoulders. She needed to get it out before she talked herself out of it, evenif it meant cutting him off and causing him to push himself up a littlestraighter on the couch. “I’m – I’m a virgin, and I know like a lot about sex,but m’not well versed in the act of it, so if I’m bad at it tonight you’re not allowedto make fun of me! Because – because, you can’t make fun of someone for missinga basket if they haven’t thrown a –”

 “Slow down, Pet, jesus!” He swings his legs back down so hisfeet are planted on the floor, ruffling his hands through his hair and runninghis fingers through it, “We don’t – if you’re a virgin, we’re not having sextonight.”

Y/N’s stomach drops. “What?” Was that reallyunappealing?  Harry had been a proclaimedvirginity stealer – it’s what Niall would say in his weird warnings to stayaway from him – so why wouldn’t he want hers? What was that supposed to mean?And should she be offended?

 “Sweetheart,” he begins, standing up and walking closer toher, “That’s a special thing. If I’m going to take your virginity – if youwanted me to – then I certainly wouldn’t have us do it because we’re bothstressed.” He stands before her, tucking her hair behind her ear beforecradling the side of her face, “I’d have to make it perfect. Proper wine anddine you first and make it memorable.”

Her heart is so full that she thinks she could cry, reachingout to grab the hand at his side and squeeze it, “You’re the absolute best,Harry,” she murmurs, a wave of guilt overcoming her for thinking he’d be anydifferent than this, “I just – you’re really great.”

 “Don’t go inflating my ego, Moppet.” He hums, leaning in torub his nose against hers.

 “But,” Y/N wiggles a bit in place, “I kind of got ready todo something at least.”

 It’s true, though it’s embarrassing, even while she waspanicking at the prospect of doing something, the idea of Harry all sweaty andnaked, of his cock out and stiff grinding against her, precum bubbling at thetip, his face all blissed out…well, she was ready. Whether she just be ableto give him a blowie and rub herself off during, she wouldn’t mind, as long asthis additional sexual frustration added to her academic frustration was sated.

It makes Harry grin, his hand sliding down towards her side,“Oh, you’re jus’ filthy aren’t you?” She looks away again, a bit bashful butHarry tuts his tongue and takes his other hand to her chin, fingers tilting herback towards his face, “None of that now, I’ve got just the idea. You’re avirgin in everything, no?” She nods again, another small wiggle in place.

 Harry leads her to the couch, plopping down on the cushionsand tugging her along. Though when she tries to straddle his waist, he shakeshis head and works on the button of her jeans. She stands before him as he doesso, his face level with her tummy. She doesn’t know if he notices the smallpanicked gaze or if he was just being sweet (maybe a mixture of both), but heleans forward and presses a small kiss to the spot just above the waistline ofher jeans where the skin was showing. His lips are wet and soft, making herabdomen clench and warmth tickles all over her body like a tsunami. It makesher want to fuck him now.

 He slid her pants down her thighs, then her shins, lettingthem pool at her ankles and encouraging her to set her hands on his shouldersas she stepped out. “Now, this bit is whatever you’re comfortable with. You caneither keep these pretty little panties on or we can take them off.”

 “I think – I think, maybe I keep them on for now?” Shereplies and Harry nods, smiling.

 “Alright, Baby Doll, straddle my thigh.”

 Y/N understands where this is going now, as she uses hisshoulders again as leverage to mount his thigh. Her knees are on the couch justa bit as she’s lowering, his hands comforting on her hips and helping her asshe goes. She’s only ever read about this stuff – hasn’t seen it in porn oranything and didn’t know if he’d actually be into this. It bums her out only alittle because she wonders how he’ll get off but he doesn’t seem the least bitconcerned with that right now so she trusts him. Giving the smallest littlesqueak when she’s fully pressed against the thick of his thigh.

 “Now, this might feel a bit weird at first, but you’re goingto rock against me okay?” She nods, “And if at any point you feeluncomfortable, you tell me –”

 Y/N cuts him off with a kiss, smearing their lips togetherurgently as she begins to gently rock against him. Harry moans against hermouth a bit, a small smile hinting at his own as he keeps one hand to her hipand the other slides to her face. Cradling her cheek once again, only this timehis thumb sinks into the skin just above her jaw. Opening his mouth up easilyfor her, his lip rings cooled against her own heated pair while she licked intohim.

 They stay on it for a while, Y/N grinding her swollen clitdown against his thigh while they kiss. Eventually, when they both run out ofair, Harry makes them part with a gasp and looks between them at where she’smoving. He bites down hard on his plushy bottom lip, eying the spot in whichthey meet, and it makes her a little embarrassed again, but she likes it. Likesfeeling so vulnerable and open to him, as he stares. “God, you’re doing sogood,” he murmurs, the hand at her hip slipping down to her thigh, thumbing atthe tender inner skin while he took a tight grip, “Makin’ a wet spot on me,Bambi. So ready for me aren’t you?” Then he gets a smile – a sneaky smile – as helicks over his mouth and leans closer, “So ready for Daddy, aren’t you?”

 She squeaks – she doesn’t mean to, but she does at the sametime as her hips stutter on a harder press down. Out of all of his teasing withthat nickname, to hear it now was intense. Amazingly intense and she hadn’tknown she’d liked it this much at all. So another noise between a whimper andmoan mottle together in a pitiful noise that makes him look so smug. Thoughdespite that smug look on his face, he’s tucking hair behind her ear, beforestopping to card his fingers through it carefully. It feels so good…shefeels so good all over. Little tingles sparkling throughout her body likehappy, dazzling lights that she  can feeldance around her.

 Y/N doesn’t think it’s fair though, that she’s the only onegetting anything. That she’s the only one even remotely naked, and when shelooks down towards his crotch she can see his bloated cock practically mockingher. Though she doesn’t reach out and touch as she’d like too – she feels shewould need to ask first – Harry must see her staring. As his eyes go fromboring into her face to looking towards his prick, another small smile at hismouth, “Wanna see my cock?” He asks her, “S’awful hard for you.”

She nods, pausing on his thigh as she moves to work on thebutton and zipper with her own fingers. It makes him chuckle as she goesquickly, excited and impatient to see what he’s been hiding beneath hisskintight jeans this whole time. He helps her by lifting up his hips as shebegins to tug down, even more so by using his own hand to shove them to pool athis ankles, along with his boxers. As Y/N lowers back down, it’s safe to saythat he’s been hiding a whole, fucking, lot.

His prick is big – it’s big and smooth, with a thick veinrunning up the length of it. The head is a ruddy red, swollen from neglect andglistening in the light, looking slippery and it makes her mouth water. Hisgirth is enough to stir an ache in the jaw, even she could tell that, and he wasquite lengthy too. Balls also swollen full with cum. He was nicely trimmed too,so his pubes were a groomed, pretty patch she wanted to bury her nose in.

 Really, Y/N is just finding out that Harry is perfect in allways. No wonder so many people talk about his dick a year or so after they’dhad it. Hell, she doesn’t think she’ll be able to think about anything else butit.

 “Harry,” she allbut whines, her hand reaching out but she stops just short, looking back up tohim, “I’ve never – can I –”

He nods, “Course, Baby, you don’t have to ask.” His fist isat the base, giving himself slow, careful tugs but letting his grip loosen andslide away when Y/N’s fingers begin looping around it. Harry’s head falls backsome, a groan bubbling out as she does a soft squeeze. She thumbs at the tip(Niall had given her a small crash course a long while back about handies)carefully, feeling the smooth slick skin beneath the pad of it, and she has tobite her own lip.

 And without thinking, she takes her thumb to her mouth andpushes it passed her lips, tasting him. Harry’s prick visibly twitches, “Fuckin’filthy,” he utters as he reaches down and tugs her panties to the side a bit,and urging her back to his thigh. Y/N starts rocking again, so happy that hedid it because now she’s touching bare to his skin and this is new and slicker.The hair on his thigh a downy soft friction against her hot slit and it makeshim moan again.

Y/N feels a great triumph welling in her, because a longwhile ago she remembered a group of girls who had experienced Harry in bed hadmentioned that he didn’t moan, really. Kept quiet during the most of it andusually just let them do their thing. It makes her want to keep at it – make himmoan again and again, as the bubble in her lower abdomen expands and expands,waiting to pop.

 So she is pulling at his prick while she’s rocking on histhigh, his thumb sliding between her clit and his skin so that she hadsomething a little firm to press against sometimes wiggling side to side. Shewasn’t going to last much longer at all, she knows, and nothing but little keensand whines and moans are leaving her breathily, as she’s taken to burying herface into his throat. “How’s it feel, Baby?” He asks her, “Does it feel good?Is your little pussy getting what she needed?”

Nodding, her pace speeds up on his cock and this makes himslide his fingers in her hair and draw her back so that he could press hismouth to hers. Sucking and pulling at her bottom lip until it snapped back intoplace, all spit slicked and red. Then his lips hit at her throat, sucking and kissingand licking, sliding down while his hands pressed up the shirt she wore todiscover she’d not been wearing a bra underneath. His thumbs stroke over hernipples, flicking the hard beads beneath them before giving a small pinch.

 “Fucking hell, m’so close.” He murmured, “You’re making mecum, Bambi. Gonna make me cum all over your pretty hand.”

 That’s what ultimately sends Y/N over the edge, the bubblepopping into a more vibrant wave of those dancing, dazzling lights. It washesover her completely, her hips stuttering on his thigh and making it evenstickier and wetter than it had been. Harry follows suit soon after. A warmthshooting between them and dribbling down her knuckles, him groaning against herthroat vibrating through her whole body.

 As they sit, both breathless and seeing stars from a verygratifying orgasm, Harry begins to laugh again. It makes Y/N draw her face fromwhere she’d buried it in his neck afterwards, blinking away bleary eyes, “Haven’tcum like that in a long time,” he admits quietly, “Made us all messy.” Shelooks down between them, not only seeing the sticky white mess of Harry’s cumbut the mess she’d rubbed against his thigh. “I say I run us a bath, yeah? Getus all cleaned up…” he leans in, rubbing his nose against hers sweetlyagain, even despite the situation they were in, “Maybe play with you in the tuba little. Find some of your spots and make you melt for me.”

 Y/N shivers…she’s never been so excited for a bath.”

[bthump]

How do you feel about Casca and her relationship with Griffith? Especially with her possibly trying to protect him from getting hurt again. I am interested to hear your thoughts. Do you think she has no concept of love? Or that she genuinely loved Guts?

Overall I actually really like Casca’s relationship with Griffith, and I think if a) Berserk was a very different story and b) Miura didn’t make Casca’s life revolve around romantic pining, I’d really love them as a v interesting platonic brotp style relationship with lots of layers and depth.

Casca has a v unique perspective and insight on Griffith, with her combination of hero worship and the way she’s seen him at his worst (pre-torture).

She’s aware that he hides himself behind a veneer of perfection, that he feels immense guilt, that he buries his emotions. She watched him self harm in front of her after prostituting himself to a pedophile. She’s more aware of his vulnerable humanity than even Guts is.

And knowing that he’s human, seeing some of his darker and sadder flaws first hand, only makes her admiration grow. I love that. I think it’s sad for Griffith because he doesn’t know this and knowing it would’ve probably really helped with his self loathing issues, and I think it’s a little… messed up, the way Casca sees Griffith’s ability to suppress his feelings and be perfect for everyone as a strength, but it’s really interesting as a dynamic.

When it comes to Griffith’s point of view, I think it’s kind of a shame that he remained so closed off to her. Casca and Guts have very similar feelings towards Griffith, but where Casca is largely shut out after he turns and puts his hand on her shoulder in the river, Guts is let in. So Casca and Griffith feel kind of like a missed connection. Not in a romantic way, but in a “if things had been slightly different between them, they could’ve been great mutual support for each other” kind of way.

If the river scene had gone a little differently, like say if Casca had assured Griffith she didn’t think he was dirty instead of asking why he was with Gennon, or if Griffith had allowed himself to accept her comforting hug, I think Casca could’ve been solid, affirming emotional support for Griffith. If she knew about the assassinations, say, she’d’ve been fine with them. She probably would’ve been a better assassin than Guts, too, lol.

lbr, Griffith desperately needed someone to see all of him and tell him he wasn’t a monster, and Casca would’ve been great at that. For Casca’s part, she wanted someone to prioritize her and trust her enough to accept her emotional support (as we see pretty clearly in the scene where she and Guts fuck.) And I think getting this platonically would’ve been just as good or better for her than getting it with a side of sex.

But at the end of the day it was Guts who Griffith turned to (and tbqh the fact that Casca’s jealousy is explicitly because she’s in love with Griffith absolutely means that Griffith trusting Guts, prioritizing Guts, and wanting Guts to see all of him, ie exactly what Casca wanted to be to Griffith, all boils down to attraction and Griffith choosing Guts over Casca as essentially his emotional support because he’s in love with Guts and not Casca. But I digress) and Casca’s relationship with Griffith never met its full potential.

But despite that, they still have a really cute, generally fairly positive relationship before everything goes down. Griffith sends a search party not just for Guts but also specifies her when they fall off the cliff. When they get back Casca’s falling over herself apologizing and Griffith just smiles and welcomes her back. At Guts’ prompting he mentions her dress to her just to say something nice and slightly make up for letting her think he was dead. When he first saves her she becomes devoted not just because he threw her a sword, but because he helped calm her down after she killed the dude, seemed to empathize with her (”he just nodded, deeply and slowly,”) and gave her a blanket. After the rescue there’s a moment where he sees her crying near Judeau from afar and clearly wishes he was still able to comfort her.

Idk honestly their relationship isn’t perfect, it has some sadness, some missed opportunities, some dark moments (I’m talking pre-Eclipse, I’m not touching Femto bc as far as I can tell the Eclipse rape had nothing to do with Casca or Griffith’s overall relationship with her and everything to do with Guts), but overall I think it’s a sweet, mostly positive friendship.

Ok lol sorry about that essay that doesn’t even address most of your ask.

As for Casca trying to protect Griffith from getting hurt, I think it makes perfect sense from a character perspective, though I’m a little cynical when it comes to my thoughts on what Miura may have intended. Like, eg, I think Casca’s violent diatribe against Guts near the waterfall was meant to be a mix of genuine anger over the way he broke Griffith, partially projecting her own feelings of abandonment, and partially her feelings of jealousy getting involved too - why couldn’t Guts have stayed for her, and why couldn’t she affect Griffith the way Guts could? We see both issues come up shortly after - jealousy right before she tries to kill herself, and raging at Guts for (she thinks) wanting to leave her behind again after they have sex.

So I guess now I’m thinking Casca’s feelings when she tells Guts to leave are probably a complicated mixture of like, everything.

I think what you described plays a large part. She knows how Griffith feels about Guts, and that seeing her and Guts together every day would be torturous for him. Also lbr, a few days with another dude aren’t enough to erase anyone’s like, near decade of feelings for the first dude, and we see them come up again during the rescue mission, when jealousy starts creeping between Guts and Casca, so she’s not exactly over her feelings for Griffith, which includes wanting to protect him.

I think there’s also an element of Casca being self-sacrificing, telling Guts to leave to pursue his dream because she thinks Guts’ dream is the most important thing to him, and she believes Guts staying would be a sacrifice on his part.

I think Casca is aware enough of the weird love triangle between the three of them that she knows if they both stayed with Griffith things would get weird and fucked up real quick for everyone, probably especially Griffith. She’s jealous of Guts and Griffith, Griffith loves Guts and would be jealous of the relationship between him and Casca, plus he’s the most vulnerable, and I think there’s a strong indication that Guts would be caught in the middle, but probably would end up prioritizing Griffith.

AND THEN there’s another aspect to Casca pushing Guts away that I think could, at least in theory, be the strongest motivating factor, at least when it comes to my interpretation of Casca and my love of flawed female characters who make terrible choices just like the men do, which is that she’s been given an opportunity to take Guts’ role.

Now Griffith needs her. Now she’s the one who can comfort him and Griffith finally accepts her comfort. And sex is also maybe on the table which, taking the narrative at face value, is something Casca also wants.

There is a “yet,” there, ofc. I think Casca’s feelings are mixed. She genuinely wanted to leave with Guts, she was probably glad of the chance to get over her one-sided feelings for Griffith, but at the same time, she still has those feelings.

So like, ultimately, once she’s faced with the reality that Griffith desperately needs someone who loves him and she can’t just take off with Guts, there are three options available: her and Guts both stay, only Guts stays, only Casca stays.

Both her and Guts staying would be an unmitigated disaster of jealousy issues, only Guts staying would fucking suck for Casca (right now from her pov, in the long run lbr it would by far be the best option bc Casca needs to find herself away from dudes), but only Casca staying would give her something she used to desperately want, and still does want on some level.

So she tells herself Guts would be unhappy without his dream and he shouldn’t stay for his own sake, and tries to send him off, but the actual driving emotional reason is that only one of them can stay with Griffith and she wants it to be her.

(For the record I think this would’ve been a huge mistake for Casca even if the Eclipse didn’t happen. Despite Griffith’s nightmare vision I can’t imagine her being happy living a quiet domestic life with him. But what’s the point of a Berserk character if they’re not making huge mistakes?)

lol man this is a lot longer than I thought it would be, and I think a lot of this is a stretch and probably not what Miura intended, but it’s the explanation I want to land on.

Oh and finally, just to briefly hit the last two things, I’d say Casca can’t tell the difference between love and a feeling of obligation she gets when someone saves her. Both her feelings for Griffith and Guts started after being saved by them, and both manifest in wanting to comfort them and be their emotional support and give them something in return for what they’ve given her.

“Not just being given to… maybe I can give something as well.”

So while maybe Miura wanted us to believe Casca loved Guts, or could’ve fallen in love with Guts (tho idk maybe this is purposeful, I talk a lot about how I think he deliberately went a relatively non-romantic route with Guts and Casca’s hook up), I don’t think she genuinely loved him, or Griffith for that matter, in a romantic sense.

@poppy-moon because you asked a while back re: meta about casca and griffith and now I’ve written something lol. and the first half is more the positive kind of thing you were suggesting.

[bucky-smiles]

Just Let Me Explain

Throwback to season 6 when JJ had to declare that Emily was dead except in my version, it’s going to be the reader declaring Emily dead. I know that I am in no way original with this concept so I’m going to make it original and say that the reader and Spencer are already in a relationship when this happens. This entire thing is going to range from the moment of declaration to the case in Oklahoma when Reid is being the passive aggressive bean that he is. 

I didn’t realize how long this was, sorry. It legit took my two hours and once I started typing, I just lost all track of time. Also don’t get mad at me for this thing bc it’s highkey just ajdfrenfhncghalf if you get what I mean. It’s two in the morning soooooo. I think Hotch is slightly OOC in this but he’s barely mentioned so it cancels out :3

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: Emily’s death, angst, mentions of drug use, mentions of blood

I hope y’all enjoy my second one shot :)

(I couldn’t find that gif of him doing the whole ‘watchu gon do about it’ gesture to JJ so enjoy this cute thing. GIF CREDS TO THE OWNER :))

You knew this was wrong. 

Right away when Hotch came to you with the orders, you knew that this wasn’t going to end well. But when you and Spencer had first got together 8 months ago, you both swore that your relationship wouldn’t get in the way of work and Hotch was using that to make sure you did exactly as you were ordered. So of course, being the perfect agent that you are, you put on your sad look and let your eyes well up with tears as you entered the waiting room where your team, including your boyfriend, sat. They all rose at the sight of you and Spencer immediately knew that something was wrong, “Y/N?” His voice was quiet as he waited for you to deliver the news. 

You cleared your throat a little as you glanced at him and then at the rest of the team, “She never made it off the table.” You couldn’t give yourself away and you knew that. So you never kept your eyes in one place for too long, you observed and felt guilt at seeing how everyone believed you. It broke your heart to see the tears and reaction of your team- your family. But a job was a job and you knew that. 

When Spencer made a move for the door, you instinctively grabbed him arm with a gentle touch, “Spence...” You couldn’t say more.. You knew that your voice would betray you if you did. Your heart nearly shattered upon hearing his next words.

“I never got a chance to say goodbye.”

You let out a quiet breath and pulled the man you love close to you. It was a way to comfort him over the ‘loss’ of a friend and a way to assuage your growing guilt. You didn’t sign up to see your boyfriend break down... That wasn’t part of the job description. 

When the two of you arrived to the apartment you both share, you had an arm around his waist as a sign of support and when you let go to close the apartment door behind you, Spencer left your grasp and moved to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. A small sigh escaped your lips as you followed behind him. Seeing him like this was pure torture and as of now, you’d do anything to make him feel better. 

A Few Weeks Later: 

“I just.. If we’d been quicker to find her, she’d probably still be alive right now.” 

You angle your head so that you’re looking at Spencer. It’d been a few weeks since the lie had been told and the guilt had yet to go away. Spencer still had so much regret in his heart and was coming up with all of these situations in which she would’ve survived. They usually always came up when the two of you were in bed. Tonight was no different and seeing him like this made you want to tell him everything, but you made Hotch a promise and telling him could compromise Emily’s situation. You lean onto your side, propping yourself up on one elbow while using your free hand to cup his cheek, “Don’t do that to yourself, Spencer.. What happened happened and no what if situation can bring her back.. No matter how much we want it.” You remained as quiet as you could, your voice not going above a quiet tone. You tried being comforting but all you could hear was your guilt and that gave you a feeling that had you sick to your stomach. 

“I miss her so much, Y/N. Every time we go into the office and pass by her portrait I-” He cuts himself off, his voice breaking at the end as he begins crying once more. 

You lay down again, bringing him to your chest as you hug him tightly. You were crying too because seeing him like his tore you apart piece by piece. “I miss her too, Spence.” You tried comforting him the best you could, whispering quiet nothings into his ear, rubbing his back gently, letting him soak your nightshirt with his tears. Eventually, he fell asleep but you were there wide awake, wondering what you’d gotten yourself into and how this was going to change everything once the truth came out. 

Everyday when the two of you entered the  BAU building, you’d both stop in front of her portrait and have a quiet moment. You could feel the judgement coming from Emily’s eyes as you watched her unmoving face. Time would pass and you’d take Spencer’s hand, leading him to the Bullpen before pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek and going to your own desk. You’d offer small smiles to your team members and when case debriefing would happen, you’d be sure to sit by Spencer and hold his hand under the table. The guilt had slowly began going away. The special trick was repeating a phrase like a mantra until you believed it, Emily is dead and whatever you’re doing is for the sake of the team. They’ll understand if the truth ever comes out. Oh, if only you were right. 

The Reveal:

You were walking down the hallway when Hotch approached you. His beard was still a look you were getting used to and you offered a small smile to him as he approached you. 10 weeks and your guilt had transformed into a dull throb that you’d gotten used to over time. The circumstances had made the pain more stabbing but nonetheless, you were toughing through it one step at a time. Your small smile dropped, of course, when Hotch told you it was time. 

Time for the reveal. Time for the team to find out they’d been lied to.  Time for them to find out that you lied to them. 

When you stood by Hotch’s side with your hand clasped behind your back, you kept your eyes trained straight ahead. Never once did you look at any single member of your team. You could feel Spencer’s eyes on you when Hotch was talking and you could practically hear the hurt and betrayal come out of him when the truth was revealed. But of course, that guilt was forgotten when Emily was seen standing at the doorway.

When the hugs and reunion were done, you grabbed Spencer’s hand, holding him in his spot before whispering, “Let me explain, Spence..” He pulled away at your words, going to the seat in between of JJ and Derek. You gulped a little, swallowing your tears as you sat at the opposite side of the table, glancing at him on occasion with the hope that he’d look at you.

It didn’t work. 

The two of you worked the rest of the case involving Declan and Doyle like you did any other, but it wasn’t the same because Spencer only interacted with you when absolutely necessary. 

It hurt.  It hurt a lot. But you pushed through it for the sake of the child whose life was in danger. 

Sadly, like when all cases end, the two of you went home. Spencer had left the building only moments before you, but by the time you reached the parking garage, he’d driven right past you without even glancing at you. Thankfully, you were able to get a ride with Emily who dropped you off home. When you entered the apartment, the lights were out and you slowly made your way to your’s and Spencer’s bedroom. He wasn’t there. Quickly, you pulled out your phone and texted JJ to ask if she had any knowledge of his whereabouts. 

Y/N: Is he with you?

JJ: Yeah, he’s here. He brought his go-bag and it’s packed for quite a bit of time. 

The text caused tears to well up in your eyes and you quickly typed out a response,

Y/N: Take care of him, please.. 

JJ: I’ve got him, don’t worry. 

You accepted what you had and proceeded to prepare for bed. It was hard to get to sleep, but cuddling with one of Spencer’s pillows gave you the comfort you needed and helped you get a couple of hours. 

The Oklahoma Case:

Working with Spencer the past couple of days has been hell. 

You take the bus to work and you always try to initiate some sort of conversation with him. But he ignores you and simply brushes past you to get to his desk. When Garcia was doing the briefing of the latest case, you took the seat by him and he simply moved from his current seat to a different, open one. You let your head hang in shame for a few minutes, calming down before looking up at Garcia expectantly. 

On the jet, you sat by Emily who was obviously trying to make you feel better. She felt some guilt to because the problems that were occurring were partially because of her. You made her promise not to blame herself and when Hotch paired you and Spencer to go to the abduction site, you wanted to melt into your seat. 

The tension between you two was so thick at the abduction site that it could’ve been cut through with a knife. Any suggestion you had was immediately met by a passive aggressive comment from Spencer. 

Spencer started off as the two of you approached the bus stop, “So, Beth got off the bus here and headed northwest toward class.” He let his hands do part of the talking as he pointed towards the bus stop and then towards northwest. 

Attempting to be useful, you pitched in, “It’s amazing that no one saw her abduction.”

Reid simply shrugged and spoke with a high level of bitterness in his tone, “Emily was buried six feet under and wound up in Paris, so I guess anything is possible, right?” You stiffened slightly, “Spencer you’ve got to let me ex-”

He cut you off as you tried defending yourself, “You know, maybe our UnSub's a little bit like Bundy and he feigned an injury in order to get her to help him.”

You began speaking again but before one syllable had escaped you lips, Spencer cut you off again, “Maybe he tried another tactic. and was like, ‘Wow, you're really pretty. You should be a model. I can take your photo.’”

You didn’t say anything after that. You simply let him talk out his ideas while watching him with a look of both attentiveness and guilt. 

At the station, you finally sucked it up and tried explaining yourself in the office, “Spencer I had to do my job.” You could hear your voice breaking as you began and Spencer was quick to shoot you down.

“Yeah and you did a great job at that. Was it easy? Hm, Y/N? Was it easy for you to lie to me every second that we were together? I cried into your chest for 10 weeks! 10 weeks and you gave me all of that comfort.. Was that a lie too?”

Your eyes widen at that accusation and you’re quick to shake your head, “What?! Of course not, Spence! I love you and every moment I was lying to you was nothing but torture to me! Most of my tears were over what this was doing to you, not that Emily had left us!” 

You’d grabbed his arms while you spoke, desperate for him to understand you.. But he was quick to pull away, “How can I know that that wasn’t a lie, hm? It’s all you’ve done for the past 10 weeks. What if I started taking dilaudid again, hm?”

At the mention of the drug that’d nearly ruined Spencer’s life, you stiffened before proceeding to speak with a hesitant tone, “But you didn’t... Right?”

He scoffed a little, shaking his head as he backed out of the room, “No.. But I thought about it.” He walked out before you could apologize and you felt the waterworks coming through. 

After the Case:

Thankfully, you didn’t cry when Spencer had left the room. You simply put on a strong face and worked the case like you did any other. You could hear Hotch trying to stand up for you to fix whatever’d happened, but you knew it wasn’t going to work. You thought the same thing when Emily approached Spencer on the plane. Spencer’s back was to you and you were sitting on the opposite end of the plane so you couldn’t figure out what he was saying. Eventually, you gave up at figuring anything out and turned back to your lengthy book, letting your eyes move over each word one by one... You weren’t comprehending anything but the fact that you were doing something helped calm you down. 

At Rossi’s house, you didn’t expect him to show up. You were only there for the wine, if you were being completely honest. Truthfully, you’d given up hope that Spencer would forgive you. The thought of him being mad at you made your heart throb so you simply focused all of your energy on watching Rossi as he cooked. When the doorbell rung, you felt your heart drop into your chest. Emily greeted Reid as did the rest of the team but you kept your back to him. Rossi was about to continue when Spencer interrupted once again, “Actually, before you resume, I was wondering if I could talk to Y/N? Alone?” 

You felt eyes on you and you simply set down your wine glass. He was going to break up with you officially, you knew it. You offered Prentiss a weak smile as you turned to Spencer, “Lead the way, Spencer..” You followed behind him as he took you a couple of hallways down. You braced yourself for what was to come next, keeping your gaze on your feet. To say that you were shocked when Spencer lifted your face by the chin would be an understatement. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.. I was mad and I didn’t mean half of the things that I was saying,” Spencer’s voice is filled with regret as he speaks, his eyes searching yours for any form of negative reaction. Your reaction was simply priceless as you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down for a tight hug. 

“I deserved, it Spencer. I should be the one apologizing to you..” He simply returned your hug tightly, pressing a few gentle kisses to the top of your head as he did. 

“I love you, Y/N Y/L/N” Was all he mumbled quietly to you and you smiled brightly, whispering the same thing back. 

Of course it was Rossi that had to kill your moment, “Are you two lovebirds done there or do we have to continue this without you?” 

[sandshrewed]

reasons reese wants to die, volume 4 (like if u read please)

so... my ex best friend and her roommate almost destroyed my relationship in august (my boyfriend and i have since worked through the major kinks of this problem but i still have lots of insecurities about the ordeal, which sucks, but he has apologized and made amends to the best of his ability). the gist is this - the girls (i believe intentionally) invited me over and arranged things in such a way that i didn’t have an out in the situation, aka i had no cell service or wifi and they drove me rather than letting me take my own car. they got really touchy with me against my will, bargained me to cheat on my bf (which i didn’t), and threatened to rape me. so yeah. basically the only way i got out of the situation was to lie through my teeth & say my friend was having a crisis and i had to help her (which was partially true.)

but every time i see my best friends name or if she tags me in things (i always ignore them now, i haven’t talked to her since) it hurts me so much bc on one hand i miss her and on the other hand she aided in destroying my relationship which is all i had then and all i have now. and even though i know it was my bf’s fault for most of the pain i went through we’ve made our amends and we’re a lot better. but not perfect.

but my friend..... literally said..... she would rape me in my sleep if i spent the night with her...... :) i don’t have the guts to tell her i no longer associate with her, or to begin making amends. like i try to be a good person and resolve conflicts in all situations but i’m too scared to say hey you ruined everything and your roommate tried to have sex with me & exploited me sexually without my knowledge. like y’all are some kind of messed up thinking that’s chill.

like, that broke me. completely. to pieces. i’m a pretty strong person but that absolutely DESTROYED me. i’m ace & have never had a sexual encounter of COURSE i can’t pick up in sexual cues. and, best friend, YOU KNEW THAT AND USED IT AGAINST ME. HOW DARE YOU.

i saw your names and now i’m spiraling completely out of control. i’m not cynical, but i despise the prospect that you’re still living together and having a lasting friendship. i hate that you’ve built something wonderful for yourselves while consequently and absentmindedly shattering what i had with someone else.

i hate lying in bed at night wishing i was dead because i feel so empty and alone and broken. but here i am doing just that. because you know what? i’m too NICE to tell you it’s not okay to take advantage of another person’s ignorance or lack of sexual knowledge. you absolute PIGS.

in reality i am so much more forgiving than this, and i know i SHOULD be more forgiving than i am. and honestly i HAVE forgiven the acts themselves - it’s just a personal battle at this point to get over what happened, it’s dealing with insecurities and the pain i caused my bf (which wasn’t even my fault, but the blame was projected on me anyway (but we made up)). it’s coping with all of the aftermath of my broken relationship, when we had to start completely over because of this. trust was gone, even love was gone, but addiction made us love again.

we were so broken until i brought this up two months later, and we came to realize that he’d begun to take advantage of my sorrow and apologetic nature.

he didn’t believe until that moment, TWO MONTHS LATER, that i was truly ignorant. and honestly, who would, except for those taking advantage of my ignorance in the first place. yes, i should’ve known that being asked to “walk, i want to see if you walk like a virgin” was a come-on. i should’ve known that you getting on top of my body and kissing my cheek wasn’t just a “girl thing”. i should’ve known before you told me to spend the night with the promise of a lap dance and forced sexual intercourse that i was in trouble. but i just DIDNT.

furthermore i should have known that i didn’t owe anybody the first apology, yet that’s all i was able to spew for the first little bit. guilt and silence ate me alive. everything was my fault. *i* had destroyed trust for making rash and stupid decisions. *i* should have known this, *i* should have known that.

my bf, for two months, believed in his heart that i had cheated on him. and for those two months i knew with my head that i had, but thought that my heart was just too stubborn to admit it...

now it’s 1:33 in the morning and there’s no way i’ll be able to sleep tonight knowing that my bf admitted that he didn’t like me for two whole months. ive lost count of how many times we almost broke up over this situation - and although we’ve just about patched up, i’m still so fragile and insecure.

he should have trusted that i was ignorant. they shouldn’t have taken advantage of my ignorance. but i shouldn’t have been ignorant in the first place ...

with so many “should”s, it’s difficult to pinpoint where the true fault lies.

[detrevniwrit]

re: kacchako is bad (responses)

oh my god I'm going to answer all of these in one post because it’s been a freaking long day and i have no desire to answer each individual permutation of the same sentiments over and over again

read more this time bc it didn’t seem clear enough last time by the bolded ‘kacchako is bad title’ that you can scroll past if you’re sensitive to criticism because this is a criticism of kacchako.

Concern:

Don’t tag it in the ship tag if it’s hate! Just blacklist it if it bothers you so much. People can ship it if they want, don’t be mean/an asshole! :(

Answer:

I can't believe I'm getting "let people ship what they want don't spread hate it's never worth it" msgs in this year of our lord 2017. Don't moralize down to me about spreading hate and quit acting as if I went into people’s inboxes to harass and specifically be mean to them. I used the tag, yes, but I did it to bring kacchako fans’ attention to legitimate concerns I have about the ship’s consequences, and I made my opinion very explicit in the bolded title of the post so people can scroll past if they’re sensitive. I thought it was worth the risk to my sanity to make sure that people who aren't as sensitive to criticism won’t just ignore that there are important issues with kacchako because it’s easier, or because they just don’t know/never thought about it. (I’m now partially feeling it wasn’t worth it, but determined to stand by my points)

Concern:

I think kacchako is fine and I don’t defend abuse! I just imagine them in a place where Bakugou is grown up and not abusive anymore and Ochako doesn’t take that shit!

Answer: 

It has occurred to me that it’s rarely anyone’s intention to support abuse, which is why I bothered to write the original post at all. To reiterate my argument so I don’t get confused ‘kacchako is not abusive’s in my inbox, I’m not saying that kacchako is inherently abusive. I’m saying that as Izuku’s friend, Ochako wouldn’t be motivated to date Bakugou specifically because he bullies Izuku and has abusive tendencies towards her friend, and because she’s someone who cares about Izuku’s wellbeing she wouldn’t be interested in someone who continues to unapologetically treat Izuku like that. 

There is no ‘she secretly likes Bakugou’ right now, or vice versa. She just wants to catch up to Izuku. And Bakugou does not respect her more than he sees her as a threat.

To the reimagining future Bakugou part: again, I doubt anyone has the intention to erase Izuku’s experience as a victim of Bakugou’s bullying. I’m saying that no one writes Bakugou changing from a bully into a better person respectfully or realistically. Most interpret Bakugou’s one interaction with Ochako (in which he considers her a legitimate threat to beat) as an indicator of Bakugou beginning to change because of Ochako, even if after this interaction he’s still only interested in winning and dominating over others and if people are potentially in his way. 

Let me give you a definition of domestic abuse (my bolding):

"domestic abuse occurs whenever one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t ‘play fair.’ Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.”

All kacchako shippers imagine a future Bakugou as someone who automatically deserves forgiveness for not being an asshole anymore, most likely due to Ochako keeping him in line, and not a single one has been able to describe, in informed detail, about how hard it is to change abusive behavior. 

“In discussing why abusers abuse, it’s clear that a lot of the causal factors behind these behaviors are learned attitudes and feelings of entitlement and privilege — which can be extremely difficult to truly change. [...] While we hope abusive partners will change, it’s not always realistic to expect that they can and will. Focus on changes you can control to improve your own life, because you deserved to feel loved, happy and safe.”

Signs of progress of changing abusive behavior include (some bolded for what I think kacchako shippers particularly don’t take into account often when characterizing future Bakugou):

Admitting fully to what they have done

Stopping excuses and blaming

Making amends

Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

Identifying patterns of controlling behavior they use

Identifying the attitudes that drive their abuse

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured”

Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal)

Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

Carrying their weight and sharing power

Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

Changing how they act in heated conflicts

Accepting the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them)

Making Bakugou an adult does not change that you need to write him checking his abusive behavior.

Concern:

But Bakugou has changed at this point in the manga---he and Izuku now have an understanding of trust and respect.

Answer:

Bakugou has only demonstrated one instance that he could be changing. Though change for Bakugou is a good and decidedly difficult feat, one instance does not an abusive pattern break.

Let me direct you to the classic cycle of abuse by psychologist Lenore Walker, with helpful manga caps from Ch. 117-121:

1) Tension building phase 

2) Acute battering phase (in which Izuku absolutely does not want to fight at first until he feels obligated to)

3) Honeymoon phase

“The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.”

Secondly, to the aforementioned abuse-changing bullets Bakugou has not achieved up to after he’s fought with Izuku Ch. 117-121:

Admitting fully to what they have done

Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured”

Thirdly, to what he is beginning to do

Stopping excuses and blaming

Carrying their weight and sharing power

I concede that Bakugou is making steps towards change because he is a hardheaded egoistic teenager who up to this point hadn’t offered help out of his own volition. But if you’re taking this as a sign that he’s anywhere near lasting and permanent change, even years from now---I almost literally just wrote a foot of text and references as to why that isn’t realistic or respectful towards the realities of abusive behavior. Please realize you are likely oversimplifying his path towards change.

Concern:

Not all kacchako shippers are like that! I know (insert fanworks here) that are respectful, good, etc,

Answer:

Show me. I’m more than willing to take a look and then give you my detailed opinion afterwards, if you’d like.

Concern:

I’m not trying to force a het agenda, I just like the dynamic.

Answer:

I mentioned before that people may not realize their intentions don’t match up with consequences. I just wrote more than 2 hours worth explaining why kacchako doesn’t have a sensical basis for a good relationship and am considering just passing out on the spot right at this moment in sheer exhaustion. I’m just going to post screenshots that actually do have the aforementioned good qualities and ask politely that you consider these respective Ochako and Katsuki ships, instead of kacchako het, which endorses a contrived relationship over not straight ones that actually have a basis of mutual affection in canon:

Fuck, if you really really want to ship Uraraka with a guy Iida and/or Midoriya have plenty of shared affection and solid relationships with her, I trust you don’t need me to screen cap to know that. 

Concern:

If Bakugou is so problematic, wouldn’t any ship with him be problematic (including kiribaku)?

Answer:

Finally a good question. I would say yes and no. Yes, because if you’re a survivor of abuse it’s perfectly valid and understandable not to want to think about Bakugou and his potential romantic partners at all. No, for a variety of reasons, using kiribaku as an example: 

a) Bakugou and Kirishima are established friends with a relatively healthy, mutual relationship. Bakugou has a foul temper but he’s not abusive towards Kirishima, even going out of his way to---admittedly badly---help him study (above caps from the manga and light novel); Kirishima admires Bakugou, finds positive qualities in their friendship, and isn’t cowed, wary, or disgusted by him, like Ochako or Izuku and many others are. tl;dr, there is plenty of solid evidence to back up the mutual affection, respect, and trust between them, something that kacchako and---god forbid---bakudeku lack.

It’s actually good for Bakugou to learn how to develop uncontrolling behaviors through healthy relationships where he doesn't feel the need to dominate over his partner.  He can’t do this with Ochako, with whom he regards as nonexistent at best, and a threat to him as Izuku’s lackey at worst (I discussed this in detail further up). Referring back to the changing abusive behavior list, Bakugou’s relationship with Kirishima demonstrates that Bakugou can learn a) respectful, kind, supportive behaviors and b) carrying weight and sharing power. This doesn’t justify how Bakugou treats others, but it does facilitate a view of how Bakugou would be able to treat others better, which I think is worth exploring.

Concern:

Why do you care so much? People ship bad/problematic stuff all the time lol there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Just let it be or blacklist it or something??

Answer:

I’m maybe foolishly invested in the idea that some people don’t have to be like that when they’re informed and engaged in critical discourse, and well fuck I have time and resources and have already started two godamned things this weekend with fandom out of probably masochistic impulses, so why the fuck not. 

Just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean I’m here to attack people or be unwilling to talk to them about it---rather, I’m more concerned that people are so unwillingly to talk about why the things they like isn’t good?? 

Kacchako is just one instance. I can provide a lot more examples of this kind of behavior in different areas of interest, in detail, with plenty of support and reasons, over private message. Otherwise, I’m not interested in making a detailed -post- of examples of bad kacchakos because honestly, I’ve already spent a lot of my time writing this when I could be discussing more pressing issues. The downsides of hyper focus.

On that note, forgive me if I don’t immediately respond to further replies any time soon after this post. After more than 10 messages that entirely missed the point I’ve exhausted myself thinking people could put aside their first impulses and self-indulgences to maybe formulate better opinions on tumblr.com, rather than sending me vague, misinformed, and/or childishly defensive insults that don’t actually tell me I’m wrong.