#(part of the reason is that i'm incapable of being normal about my interests)

[vowofbrotherhood]

assorted mcyt sketches

[scribe-of-hael]

The complicated life of Starscream

Tw: mentioned of Abuse/abusive Realtionships

I think whats interesting is the dynamic that Starscream has with Megatron in some ways. Because seems like no matter WHAT Starscream does. Being helpful ,loyal, or being backstabbing and sneaky.

Megatron finds a way to abuse him. That comes back around to the idea of , "No matter what you do, your abuser will never be happy and find new ways to be upset at you."

This is shown pretty well in TFP. Where Starscream trys to break free, be on his own. He struggles, even looses his Tcog in the process but he is a problem to everyone. The switch between his loyalty form s2 to s3 is a bit drastic. He is, very clearly, trying to do what Megatron asks of him and never once trys to go behind his back again.

Yet, even for a simple mistake, he is beaten. Megatron is completely incapable of trusting Starscream fully (reasonable) but Starscream is never going to be able to please Megatron fully either. Megatron doesn't know how eles to communicate with Starscream that isn't violent because that's how he responses, to violence and fear.

Starscream isn't perfect in TFP, he's killed Bots (as he told us repeatedly about Cliff jumper) , but everyone was someone before the war. I always wondered what he was like?

That and the fact Starscream mimics Megatron's abusive behavior in order to try and get respect. He HITS people , somtimes with little reason. He shoves and even belittled those who have actively tried to help him and show him concern (Knockout). Somtimes it works, most times it doesn't. He knows fear and violence works on him, why wouldn't it work in others ?

It's kinda a real thing, a friend who has these problems , basically puffing out their chest and bullying people close to them in order to get a sense of power and control that they normally don't have.

It comes down to Control and Safety.

Alot of times, in IDW Starscream does become a leader of Cybertron but almost always finds a way to sabotage himself. Why? He's traumatized. Conditioned to think he can not be anymore than what he was, what Megatron thought he was and what ppl think he is.

Bumblebee even calls this out, and in a fit of emotion, Starscream says its because he is Alone. No one is there to protect or vouche for him. (Which isn't fully true but that's his reality, how he sees it)

In order to keep himself safe, Starscream has defense mechanisms and coping strategies that are built to protect himself. He lies, he backstabs, he starts shit, he is combative even verbally when he doesn't even need to be. These strategies that were once used to help him, now make life difficult when ppl are trying to be there for him. Pushing people away, trying to give the illusion of control and dominance.

Rounding back to TFP, there was a theory i saw, (I think so, but in pretty sure I'm not the only one who thought of this anyway) that in RID, Starscream puts back in his old armor or parts of his frame from before.

My theory was that Starscream in TFP looks alot like Megatron in terms of color. Why go from a blue, white and red color to grey ? And was the armor even off him in the first place ?

My theory is Megatron purposely stripped him of parts of his own body, to make him both smaller and physically more vulnerable. Being a good representation of an Abuser stripping away who a person is, will all is left is the then vulnerable and under their control.

To add intop of it, in s3, its clear Starscream is loyal. The bot trys to go get Megatron or attack the autobots for killing him. Shockwave has to DRAG him away. In the movie, he STILL flinches at Megatron's movement towards him depsite him saying he "now knows what oppression is". FLYS AWAY & LEAVES HIM BEHIND.

This Starscream still has Decpeticon values, has only ever served Megatron for Millions of years, is still clearly afraid of his abuser and atm purpose to keep going. And he just LEAVES. Leaving Starscream to pick himself of being confused, scared and no idea what to do i'm sure.

Not to mention Megatron never once got anything done to him for all the pain and suffering he ever cause ld. He basically got off scotch free. Which to me, reflects the injustice some ppl feel and get when an abuser just leaves you in the mess THEY made and you get NOTHING from it. No justice, no recompense, no apology. You have to figure out how to BE without them.

Point is that Starscream is a complicated character in media. Different versions to show case this behavior. What i hope to see in the future, what I pray for, is seeing Starscream not only be able to break free of this cycle. But become more than what he thinks he is, what anyone thinks he is.

[bookwormbynight]

the take that lawlight and other ships involving Light and an older character are not problematic because “Light Yagami is incapable of being groomed” is doing rounds on dntwt again and holy shit it drives me insane every time i see it because

(“you” below refers to people with this take, not you)

1. what the hell is this victim-blaming logic when you’re literally talking about it as something applicable to the real world. no one is immune to being groomed.

2. to speak of the idea in-universe, I’m pretty sure that is just factually untrue. Light can definitely be groomed and has many traits that make him susceptible

3. no one is immune to being groomed. Light being manipulative, “evil”, intelligent or ““mature for his age”” (oh boy) does not prevent him from grooming in any capacity. in fact those traits combined with his arrogance make him a easy target as long as the perpetrator knows what to say

4. if you’re uncomfortable with the idea that lawlight is grooming, you can just think and say that you do not view lawlight’s dynamic as grooming. that would be reasonable, at least in comparison to fucking “light is immune to being groomed”

5. (pardon my language but) why in the fuck would you phrase it like “I’m sorry but if you can *insert a bunch of things that don’t prevent anyone from being groomed* then I’m NOT gonna believe you got groomed” like do you know how you sound right now????

6. have I mentioned that no one is immune to being groomed.

frankly, as someone who doesn’t usually prefer to view lawlight as full-on “adult grooming child” (I do think the existing age gap is a very intriguing factor but generally it is not my top preference to take it to the extreme in my own conception of it; it is very interesting to see as an alternative though, I respect it), I feel MUCH safer around everyone in this dn tumblr circle than people who say that shit. respect and salute to you all 🫡

Oh, ick!! Thank you for sharing!

Dude I am so afraid of dntwt I refuse. Of course the drawback to that is Tumblr doesn't allow the kind of images that Twitter does so I miss out on that but with the combination of Elon Musk and the nazis and whatever nutcase discourse that regularly happens over there, I'm not touching that shit with a ten foot pole even for the sake of porn 😭

Yeah no the solution to something that makes you uncomfortable is never ever to blame the victim. (Honestly, and I'm psychoanalyzing again, I think part of what makes this circle so safe is that we treat this shit with the gravity it deserves, even when we're sexualizing it. Because what we're sexualizing IS the horror. The horror is what's hot about it, but the horror reaction implies that it's something terrible and serious. It's not normal or okay or impossible.)

I'd like to explore the mention of discomfort with the topic. That shit is normal and human. Not everyone likes sexualizing horror, not everyone understands everything you need for it to feel safe, AND, and this is a wildly different but still important factor in fandom interaction, not everyone DOES think it's plausible for the universe. You can think things don't match your headcanon for how you interpreted the work! I made a post yesterday along those lines about a fanfic I was reading! The thing is, don't attack real people (if you think someone's handling a subject in fiction in a way that does real harm, like E.L. James for my example, you don't send hate mail, you tell people why it's harmful and boycott the work); be aware that canon is subjective even if you have some textual evidence to back your view up - feel free to present said evidence, but nobody has to take it to heart and you can't make them; and above all, if it's pertaining to these types of topics, DO NOT USE THE VICTIM TO CONTRADICT IT. USE THE SUPPOSED PERPETRATOR. If you don't think L is a groomer, say so, if you don't think lawlight involves grooming, go for it, but Light Yagami better not fucking be a pillar of your argument because victims are never the reason something happened to them, which means they are also never the reason something didn't happen. People astound me.

Be kind everybody ❤️

[respectthepetty]

I love Be My Favorite

Y'all, if this show does me dirty, I will be inconsolable because I love it so far. This is like Paris Hilton's debut album all over again. I showed up because I was interested in the mess, yet it's turning into a masterpiece. I'm watching this at normal speed with the sound on, and that is the highest compliment I can give to a show.

Kawi is incapable of shutting the hell up, so there are no secrets beyond the time traveling one, and he can't even keep that a proper secret. Homie is spilling all the tea all the time. Pull up with some Earl Grey and scones because we are sharing too much information at this table today.

That argument between Kawi and Pisaeng leading to this was the cream in my tea.

FUCKING DELICIOUS!

Pisaeng calling Kawi out for being fickle with his feelings just for Kawi to throw that shit back into Pisaeng's face and call him a hypocrite since Pisaeng isn't clear about his feelings for Pear, AND because this is a layered conversation, it's also about Pisaeng not being clear about his feelings for Kawi. This is the quiche of this tea time because it was feeding my soul and filling.

BECAUSE PISAENG WAS HONEST ABOUT HIS FEELINGS!!!!!

ALL OF THEM!!!!

These damn head nods this week are going to be the end of me! First Step by Step's Jeng, and now Pisaeng coming in with the head nod of admission. It's like the little cake you get once the tea is over. It's tiny, but it's a special treat after you thought you already had everything you needed.

And Pisaeng might even tell Kawi next week how he feels, but Kawi already knows because of the future, so the issue could only stem from Pear not knowing it's Kawi, and that's okay because the visuals of Pisaeng, blurry and unfocused, being in the background and in between Kawi and Pear the entire time they had this conversation is such a good scene that I'm biting my knuckles like I do when I see how cute the tea setup is.

Oh and Pear being an actual character and GOING OFF at those idiots was the cucumber sandwich at this tea time aka the best part.

Because she doesn't need to romantically like Kawi to know that Knot and the seniors are bullies. Kawi is trying to fit in, but from being pushed into the pool, and forced to drink, to recording the confession, they really proved they ain't shit and should not be invited to classy events like tea time.

Kawi wants to belong, but on his way along the road he thinks leads to perfection, he is gathering actual supportive friends who will help him to his real happy ending. This is the blueberry jam and lemon curd for the scones. Some may ignore them, but they are absolutely necessary to enjoy the journey.

Because all roads lead to DJ Squirtle.

No, this DJ Squirtle.

Earl Grey himself and the entire reason I LOVE this show.

Please, baby Jesus with the historical accurate skin tone, continue to serve me this good ass tea.

Amen.

[queenbeedarling]

This is going to be a bit of a long one, but I just want to know if anyone else went through a similar experience because I don't see people talk about it.

I've asked my girlfriend (qpr), but she never went through it, so I want to know if I'm the only one. I know it's unlikely, but I would like confirmation because my brain hates me.

(I apologize in advance for all the parenthesis)

Okay, I'm aroace, specifically I'm sexually repulsed (the ace part isn't exactly important, but I figured I'd give extra context) and indifferent to romance. I'm not romance repulsed, but I just don't feel romantic attraction.

However, I've always loved fictional romance (I don't know if it's a sort of Stockholm syndrome love because I grew up in a very romance-heavy society, but i don't wanna have a identity crisis over it so I'm putting that thought on the back burner). I ended up mistaking the love for fictional romance for a desire for real romance while I was in school up until I graduated high school.

This resulted in me not only identifying as bi (I don't feel stronger for one or the other) and lesbian (if I'm going to date someone, I'd rather it be a girl (I've always trusted girls more)) which I know this is talked about.

The part I don't see talked about is actually dating people, which I did. Several times in school.

The thing is, I never felt anything more than how I did with my friends. At the beginning of the relationships, I did get the cliche "heart pounding," but that wore off quick. (I've long since figured out it was because I was just happy something would ever think of me in a romantic sense)

And I've never cared for mouth kisses to the point my first one, not counting the one in first grade, was when I was 15 and it was only a peck. According to my friends at the time, that was late. I also have made out with someone once and I was so very uncomfy, never again.

The only part of a romantic relationship I was interested in was the physical affection like cuddles and holding hands.

But romantic relationships were so... everywhere that I thought those feelings were "normal" or like how everyone felt.

When I learned about the term aromantic in high school, I was so brainwashed it took me three years to realize that I'm aromantic. And one of the reasons was because I thought I couldn't possibly be aromantic if I love fictional romance so much. Even if I never understood the characters feelings when they did their "I'm so in love with you" monologues (I thought the feelings were exaggerated for entertainment purposes).

And then for a little bit I thought I was incapable of emotions or something, but I have low-empathy so I still have those thoughts just not for my aromantism.

That only lasted for a few days before I remembered aromantism and looked it up, so now I'm good.

(Let me tell you, being aroace, agender, and having low empathy can be a mind fuck sometimes)

Sorry this is so long, but I've never let myself go into so much detail about this before.

[communistkenobi]

I'm not gonna lie Nick, I've been following you for a long time and I almost always agree with what you say so this isn't in any way meant to be polemic or hostile and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. But, as a trans person myself, I don't understand how genital preference can be transphobic? I mean, the way people declare it can be transphobic, or the reason for it - but preference itself? isn't it, for most people at least, an intrinsic thing? Again I'm not asking this to bait you into discourse or anything I just. Genuinely trust your judgment on things. that's all, love <3

If you don’t want to sleep with someone because they’re, for example, fat, or disabled, or intersex, or have some other physical characteristic that would alter a sexual encounter in a way you wouldn’t expect with a “default” or “normal” body - is that not on some level bigoted? If you tried to sleep with a cis guy but found out he had a micro penis and decided against sleeping with him, or you tried to hook up with a cis woman with large labia and got turned off, is that “just an intrinsic preference”?

Yes people have preferences and preferences do not carry inherent moral judgement. But it’s worth asking: where do my preferences come from? if you meet a trans person, and you are attracted to them, and the only reason you don’t want to sleep with them is because you don’t want to interact with their genitals, because you believe a trans person’s genitals are universally unattractive, then like, why lol? “Transphobic” is a flat descriptor for bigoted beliefs or assumptions about trans people, and in the pantheon of transphobic things to believe or say or do, that’s not like super high on the list. I don’t think you’re an irredeemably bad person or whatever. You are also not doing activism by having sex with people you’re not attracted to or don’t want to have sex with, I’m not suggesting anyone do that because that would be bad for everyone involved. But attraction is socially mediated and explored - fetishes, kinks, turn-ons and turn offs can have embedded social values in them, some of them good and some of them not - and if your only hang-up with fucking a trans person is because they have “incorrect” or “incongruous” genitals to what you normally expect, then I think that’s a shitty hang-up to have. Is it “intrinsic” to find a trans person’s body a turn off? Are we intrinsically programmed as human beings to find transgender people’s genitals unsexy? I think any appeals to intrinsic nature quickly get into essentialistic territory, because whatever is intrinsic or “human nature” is necessarily outside of the social, incapable of change, and I don’t think it does any good to insist that the domain of sexual preferences exists outside of the social and political realms.

Yes sex will be different with a trans person who hasn’t had full bottom surgery than it would be with a cis person, and yes you will need to have conversations about what feels good or look shit up online (which you would do with a cis partner anyway!), but unless you’re solely interested in like, missionary reproductive PIV cishet sex catholic style for the rest of your life, I think it’s worth interrogating why trans genitals are a hard no for someone, especially when “genital preference” is such a handy shorthand for cis people to articulate their deep seated rage, disgust, and fear of trans people in a “polite” or inoffensive way - and, often, in a violent way, and that violence is rationalised on the basis of the “common sense” belief that trans people trick cis people into having sex with us despite our “bad” genitals.

I don’t want to have sex with anybody who thinks my body is disgusting and I’m assuming most people don’t want that either lol. But a lot of cis people find my body disgusting because it’s a trans body, and a huge part of that disgust is because I don’t have a dick - worse, I have a “mutilated” “grotesque” version of “female anatomy” because of T. None of those evaluations of a tran’s guys genitals are intrinsic, nor do they exist outside of social values about what “normal” or “beautiful” bodies look like.

And again to use the fat example, it took a lot of personal work for me to properly admire fat people because of how ingrained fatphobia is, and part of that fatphobia was directed towards myself - it took years for me to find myself even remotely attractive, especially as I progressively gained weight into adulthood. And that is not for “activist” reasons, it’s not activism to find fat people hot - but I am consciously working through some of the shit society tells you is gross or bad about human bodies and it’s made my life better lol, and as a consequence I can fully allow myself to admire other fat people. I think any state of mind that allows you to find beauty in more places, find pleasure in a wider range of human forms, is generally a good thing. I once dated a guy who hated his nipples being touched because he thought it was gay to enjoy that, and like, sex with him sucked lmfao. he was incredibly homophobic and that homophobia directly impacted the amount of pleasure he was willing to engage with, both with himself and with a partner.

So yes I do think it’s transphobic. It’s not end-of-the-world transphobia, you’re not a permanently shit human being, but anyone who refuses to have sex with trans people on the basis of us having the “wrong” genitals is not worth pursuing because we deserve to sleep with people who find us hot and don’t need to “rationalise” away touching our genitals. I don’t want to have sex with those people and no trans person should either. But I’m not giving cis people an out with “oh it’s just a preference” because I think that’s a very lazy and unserious way of engaging with your own desires

[wyrdle]

Big Sho Minazuki fan here, I think it's a shame that Ikutsuki wasn't fleshed out any further. Like he's exposed as a bad guy and then immediately just... falls off.

YEAH. it's such a shame, when he's like the perfect foil character to MC lmao. One gains strength from bonds, the other has none/is incapable of it and thus sees no meaning in living. I'd have loved for his social link to be one which stays permanently at 1, regardless of what you do with him, as an illustration of this. And instead of SLs talking at you about things, he becomes your confidant and you reveal more about yourself and your friends lol. Throughout this there's the risk of revealing Pharos sealed within you, thus links to Aigis' shutdown etc, as well as an undercurrent of "This man is not normal" beyond his puns lol. I'd have loved to see the puns taken further as a masking tactic, one that whilst he personally enjoys, is still cover up lol. Maybe nearing November, as his excitement to finally die grows, you learn more about him as a person finally. idk lol I'm doing Atlus' job in making the earlier parts of the game fun and intriguing to carry you through the months.

ANYWAY. his relationship to Sho is so fascinating to me, because it's wild that Sho is even left alive tbh. For a guy who views death as deliverance/freedom from suffering+ his saviour complex with SEES, you'd think he'd pull life support off Sho and recollect the plume of dusk from his dead body. So there's plenty reason to kill Sho if he were just any experiment, and start over, even wipe a potential loose end to his research with Kirijo group. But he doesn't, and even leaves Sho with an inheritance I assume is hefty enough to last him his lifetime. So yeah, I feel like there was some twisted care and affection for Sho as a son, coming from the guy who, if set up properly next to P3 MC, whose nihlism is born from lack of bonds combined with who knows what he went through.

@ponderousorb has likened him to a real life saint called Thérèse of Lisieux, who was chronically ill and eventually developed "chosen one" or other strange beliefs as a coping mechanism whilst living. Basically whatever the pun guy went through in his life twisted him into viewing everything so bleakly and his "selfish" desire to be a Prince a coping mechanism. Dude's depressed and suicidal at his core, and of course combined with being embroiled into a death cult... well. Can't be a good parent lol.

Of course, all of the above is just my input/perspective/spin on his character. The games seem happy to leave him as a madman without elaboration about his brand of nihlism. I think if they did, Sho's story wouldn't have changed, but at the moments where Shadow Shuji popped up, stuff would've been more layered beyond whump for Sho. (Potentially flashbacks of interactions between them that leave Sho so pitifully confused and torn... ooft ouch).

It's a fun time to ponder how Shuji and Sho might've been like, if neither had been part of Kirijo Group. I like thinking Shuji might've at least tried to be there for Sho, if he wasn't off feeling like a miserable waste of space. Still not a good parent and neglectful, but I prefer thinking Shuji didn't find pleasure in causing him pain lol. Maybe it started off as clinical then eventual caring, but unfortunately he's deluded himself so hard he might've even thought he was doing Sho good by making him jacked lol. Whatever momentary guilt that'd surface, would be shrouded by his delusions. Idk, he offered SEES a "place by his side" for judgement day since they played such a large part, I can imagine he wished for Sho to reap the "benefits" too.

TLDR man's fucked in the head truly, but narrative (and most persona fans lol, not their fault tbh) never expands on it to investigate the tragedy of nihlism this way. It's such a big plunder on their end tbh, would've made him more interesting as a an antagonist, and certainly bolstered the game's core themes. Like. Why DOES this guy and old Kirijo group want death so badly lmao. The other guys are dead, Shuji is the only remaining mouthpiece for it... and we get absolutely nothing. If we knew his story, we could piece together the sort of underlying motivations of Kirijo group lol.

But anyway. Yeah. Lots of fun stuff, left unexplored! Apologies for the ramble I'm speed running my thesis on Shuji Ikutsuki 🤣

[spicedfink]

Someone posted their opinion on tophabe and I'm not going to @ them since people are apparently being weird but it did make me want to voice my tophabe take because tbh it made me feel insecure and like I needed to explain myself because they were right and so real for what they said.

My thing with (s2) episode 8 is first off I can only process parts of it at a time because that episode made me uncomfortable Second is there is one major factors I take in when thinking about tophabe and a few minor factors: The biggest thing is Joan the canon end game love interest as far as we have been shown tried to point blank kill everybody which is objectively worse. As for minor factors I'll use bullet points: - Cleo also manipulates Abe not to that degree but for longer - All the cast are kind of bad people but the show only framed Topher's actions as bad which I found weird when I really thought about it then they said Harriet was a theater kid and I stopped caring about what the writing was meant to convey - Him giving good advice first in s2e8 reminds me of how I used to give a friend of mine bad advice as a joke when they kept ignoring my real advice and for some reason they took my joke advice seriously. - Topher wasn't in the classroom with Abe so he didn't know the teacher had been hitting on him so it feels like he's just making shit up on the spot - I don't see how Topher would have seen this working. Like it shows him being right there when it starts but like how? I know it's just because the plot said so but the actual "go sleep with this gross person" seems more like a "oh Abe would never actually do that" line of thought - like it reads more as "if I can get Abe insecure he won't ask Joan out" then "Abe will defiantly go for this" (still shitty but less) - It's a cartoon and their actions are exaggerated - s2e8 was such a horribly done episode all around that I can't do anything other than cherry pick it - poor mental health is hardly an excuse but man do I believe his therapist isn't doing him any favors (which is why I have his change therapist in my fanfics) - The fact they're still shitty high schoolers meaning they all have the most room for growth and I'm projecting my own journey of because and actual good person and figuring out my sexuality onto him (obviously wasn't his level of shitty but I said dumb shit and did weird emotionally charged things thanks to how I was raised and poor mental health) - Episode 1 of season 2 Topher got the t-rex arms so I attached myself to his character right then and there ("he's autistic just like me") - I like happy things. The show gave a character who they made clear was suppose to be disliked and bullied for being horrible and didn't show him do anything actually that bad until episode 8 out of 10. And before that ranges from normal weird teenager things he'd logically grow out of, trying too hard to be socially accepted and being mentally ill??? Like no. No I'm personally not going to think this character is a horrible person incapable of growth... And this is why my serious non one sided tophabe headcanons are all for when they are older because I really think Topher would, you know grow up and regret his past actions. Also since I see Topher as queer: internalized homophobia and the such are a bitch (speaking from experience)

I don't actually have a good reason for why Abe would like Topher back past I just think it'd be fun. If Abe gets with Joan and is friends with Cleo I think he should still be friends with Topher though

[lenardslittlemeowmeow]

Hello again! This is a post for people who have read my recently published fic "To The Unfriendly Neighborhood"!

I promised, didn't I?

This is an art piece I did while writing the fic! Major spoilers for the fic underneath the read more! Please give it a read and then come back and check this out :D

Now that only people who have read the fic (or are willing to spoil themselves) are here…

I proudly present: Jewel!

Yep! She needed a different name during the concept and ideas process because half-Unfriendly Junebug was too long, so we (me and a friend) decided on Jewel! Because Jewel beetles look very similar to Junebugs and are closely related.

And this is her!

This is her normal everyday wear! Her hair is tipped bright green because she convinced Gordon to buy her hair dye. Her skirt is long because it helps to hide her legs without them getting tangled up (I wanted to show them off lol). She's supposed to be disproportionate by the way.

This is her jacket outfit. She wears it when she's having a bad day and needs more of a "shield" from the world. It doesn't quite fit perfectly because it's an old employee's jacket.

And now the fun part, details and extras about Jewel and the story!

Story details:

- The reason Norman and Lenard thought Jewel didn't actually meet Gordon is because they hadn't encountered him themselves and made assumptions.

- Pearl actually knew who Gordon was, but she didn't think he was coming back and thought Jewel was just being wishful and naive.

Jewel details:

- Absolutely despises Norman. Particularly the Norman who wasn't aware of Gordon's existence and was the first to tell her he wasn't real, even when he was. She's sorta indifferent and standoffish to the other Normans, but she's downright aggressive to the original.

- When it comes to the puppets, she gets along best with Lenard, since he helped her through her transformation and the whole ordeal afterwards. They're very close.

- Struggles with delusions and hallucinations, often Lenard and Gordon are the only ones who can help her out of them.

- Very protective of Gordon. Almost constantly by his side. On bad days she'll growl at anyone who gets too close to him. Can and should be likened to an overprotective attack dog.

- Will sometimes just. Pick Gordon up. Like when you hold a cat by the armpits. Carries him around like a teddy bear. (He learns not to fight it lol)

- This is made funnier by the fact that she's 6'3, and I HC Gordon as 5'2.

- Has chronic pain in her legs and missing eye.

- So many body insecurities. So many.

- Intrusive thoughts galore. Do you know how many times this girlie has vividly imagined tearing her friends apart? Hates it with a passion.

- She becomes pretty cynical, but she tries to see the best in others regardless.

- Picks up cursing from Gordon, gains quite the potty mouth. I HC that the puppets are literally incapable of cursing until they turn Unfriendly, and Jewel is just Unfriendly enough that she's not blocked from it.

- Pretending to be friendlier than she is is incredibly difficult, so sometimes she'll go deeper into the studio, find an abandoned room, and just tear it to fucking shreds. Goes absolutely apeshit. Sometimes she just needs to let it all out.

And with that, I am done! Please ask questions about her or this AU if you have any, I love her lots and would adore if someone else had an interest in her!

I'm sort of working on a post-TTUFN fic about that last point on Jewel, so stay tuned! No guarantees cause I'm burning myself out a little, but I should have a short one out sometime, at the least :3

See ya!

[yuikomorii]

Greetings, I come with late night ramblings abt diabolik lovers. Big fan of your blog, I really like the side of the fandom which discusses the characters

Sometimes i wonder what it was like for the mukami bros to turn into vampires. Since vampires look so similar to humans the fact that they are a different species really slips my mind sometimes.....

So sometimes I find myself wondering what that psychological shift was like. The mukami bros were all pretty young and had grudges against humans in some way when they were turned, so parting with their humanity wasn't on their minds I think lol.

But despite spending lot of their childhood/puberty around vampires they still do act a lot more human like than the sakamakis. Granted, the sakamakis def have a lot trauma that compromises their ability to have any type of healthy relationship. But characters like ayato suggest that vampires aren't inherently incapable of the more "human" emotions (don't rlly know a good word for it mb).

I do remember ruki saying somewhere that because he is weak he stays with his family (not the only reason ofc, but having to band together/find strength in numbers to survive is a very human-like thing), yet he and his bros abandoned being human/ hold some level of resentment for humanity.

Anyways all that to say the mukami bros have an interesting relationship with their "humanity" and I'm overanalyzing characters in an otome game of which the lore is constantly retconned. Complicating this is the fact that we don't have a "average" or "normal" vampire to compare with

Also reject totally missed an opportunity to make a character that didn't want to be turned into a vampire, and had to struggle with the changes.

// Hello, thank you for enjoying my blog!<3

Hmm… If the person who becomes a vampire is kind-hearted and mentally stable enough to avoid wishing revenge upon someone or using their newfound vampire status as an excuse to treat people badly, I sincerely doubt that the psychological transition from human to vampire would hit that hard. Trauma caused the Mukami brothers to develop such a vicious nature, exactly like Yui in HDB did at one point when, as a result of being mentally broken, she started killing people in an After story. While pure-blood vampires do have their own set of morals and they obviously need blood to survive, I wouldn’t say they are inherently evil, taking into account that in LP and VC, some vampires were nice to Yui and the Diaboys. They are indeed predators, that’s something they can’t control no matter how much they try, but not all of them are malicious.

The Mukamis got rid of their humanity but they still kept acting like humans around one another because, after all, that’s how they were initially accustomed to. As for the Sakamakis… due to trauma as well, they were pretty twisted since childhood. I mean, most of them were the main cause something bad happened to any of their brothers in the past, therefore it’s to be expected that their relationship is not a healthy one. However, vampires are actually capable of experiencing human emotions, and Ayato is the living example of this given that he is confirmed as being the most human-like out of all due to the fact that he was already capable of displaying these emotions prior to meeting Yui (for example: wanting to sacrifice himself for his brothers, ruining Karl’s blue rose so as Cordelia wouldn’t get sad, crying when Cordelia died and, most importantly, valuing his life). Additionally, a vampire will begin to experience human emotions the more Eve's blood he consumes, so... that's basically part of the plan, according to what Karl said in Ayato’s DF route.

I wouldn't say the Mukamis hate humans; they held a grudge against aristocrats, but not humans in general, because they only see them as an inferior species. As for Ruki, the reason he would feel weak without his family isn’t only due to banding together or finding strength in number but rather it’s about them as his emotional support. Kou, Yuma, Azusa respect, praise and accept Ruki with all his qualities and flaws, therefore feeling needed and appreciated is actually what makes Ruki strong.

[rollercoasterwords]

i think a lot of people have different definitions on fetishisation which makes it harder to approach as a conversation

i’m curious how you yourself would define it?

i currently have no real standpoint on the matter but it’s a topic that i’d be interested to explore

true!! and honestly that's one of the like. issues with this style of "hot-take activism" that i think is becoming increasingly common with the growth of short-form content social media because like. if you are not willing to take the time to first explain the foundations of what you're talking about, and in your mind "fetishization" means one thing but to another person it means something entirely different, then u two could argue back and forth all day in the comments of like. a tiktok post but that conversation will never be meaningful or productive if you are literally talking about different concepts.

so! good question. my working defintion of fetishization would be the reduction of a human being to a sexual object based on a facet of their identity, such that you no longer view that facet of their identity as part of a whole and complex person. so like, in the context of this discussion about "mlm fetishization," i would consider fetishization to be when someone views gay men's homosexuality not as a complex part of their identity but rather as material for getting off, in real life. so like....someone who does not view real live gay men as whole and complex people, because they are incapable of seeing past the sex object they have made of their sexuality.

and part of the reason that i say i struggle to find like. evidence of material harm in women writing mlm fic is that. i think by and large most women who write mlm fic do view gay men as people, and don't treat them as objects of sexual fetish. like to the extent that there are women who make weird comments or maybe don't treat gay men normally, i think that issue is more down to individual instances of homophobia and ignorance than it is like. a systemic issue that causes material harm to real-life gay men.

like i mentioned in the notes on that original post, i'm reading "girls who like boys who like boys" by lucy neville right now, which does a really good job of trying to take a comprehensive look at the reasons women are drawn to sexually explicit media involving gay men. and one thing that becomes clear very quickly when reading is that women (even straight women!) are not monolithic in their attraction to mlm SEM. most women have varied and nuanced reasons for why they enjoy mlm SEM that go beyond "oh i think men being gay is hot"--most of them don't even care about the labeling of sexuality within this media, which indicates to me that the sexuality in and of itself is not an object of fetish. and to the extent that most women do seek out mlm SEM because they think men being gay is hot, it's not a matter of "i think men being gay is hot and that their homosexuality is only relevant in the context of getting me off." does that make sense?

like--real quick, i'll give an example with lesbianism. because i see people saying all the time "it's weird when men watch wlw porn so it's weird when women write mlm!!" which. drives me up the fucking wall for a number of reasons BUT. what i will say about it now is that there is nothing inherently wrong with men getting off to sexually explicit content involving two women. genuinely--there is nothing wrong with men experiencing sexual attraction to women and finding it hot to see two women together and getting off to it. the problem is the context of patriarchy in which this is taking place, which leads men to objectify and dehumanize women on a systemic level, in a way that causes material harm and leads to fetishization. the problem is that many men who watch lesbian porn do not view lesbian relationships or sexuality as a valid and complex identity that exists independent of their arousal. (also, watching porn and writing sexually explicit fic are. two very different things in the first place).

at the end of the day, sexual attraction and arousal are not inherently evil things to experience, and getting off to something is not in and of itself the same thing as objectifying it. the problem is when this starts to affect the way you treat people in real life, and if you getting off to something makes you incapable of viewing that thing as something that exists outside the context of you getting off. that, to me, is what fetishization is.

[randomnameless]

I feel like FEH's nature as a gacha game ocasionally causes IS to have to twist certain characters around so they can better sell them to FEH's audience, like the Fallen Corrins; they're taken from the end of Chapter 5 of Fates, a chapter where they're stuck in their dragon form, have practically devolved into a feral animal who attacks anyone they see, and whose maximum speech capacity is to grunt and roar in pain/exertion/anger.

Since a character that's completely incapable of speaking would be less desirable for the average player than someone with actual voice lines and confessions, they wrote themselves into a corner and had to invent a weird version of Chapter 5!Corrin where they've already gone on their rampage and returned to normal after Azura calmed them down, but for some reason are stuck being forced to unwittingly use their draconic powers in exchange for severe pain and an urge to give in to that side of themselves again; none of that tracks with what actually happens in chapter 5, where they show no signs of struggling to control themselves after regaining consciouness, especially not to the extent the Fallen ones do, and are very quickly given a dragonstone by Azura to make sure they can't go berserk again and can control their dragon powers properly.

The Fallen Corrins explicitly say that their friends and family helped them regain control of themselves and that they're ashamed for hurting Azura, so unless these Corrins both hail from a world where their dragon blood is inexplicably significantly more powerful and possessive than it ever was in Fates proper AND were summoned into Askr during the ridiculously short time-frame between being told that they went berserk and being given the dragonstone to stop that from happening again, the entire concept is broken from the start; all because IS couldn't just market a mute angry dragon to their playerbase in their gacha game.

It's the same reason they did what they did with Fallen Linus; sure, a mindless mute zombie isn't the most interesting of characters, but there was no need to include that version of the character into FEH if IS already knew they wouldn't sell well without heavy changes to the source material in order to make them more marketable.

Hmm

I still note they made mute!Soren an unit lol

More seriously, as a rule of thumb, I'd prefer if FEH kept characterisations the character had in their original games even if, as you said, some alts definitely need to be... modified.

You mentionned the Fallen Corns, but in general, a lot of Fallen Heroes fall under that banner, Fallen Julia exists for the last half of the last chapter in FE4, Fallen Ike is an AU, Grima(sses) were created from scotch and glue, Fallen!Bilthis apparently cares about her kid (obviously an AU lol), etc etc...

I still am completely baffled at what they did with Fallen!Vigarde like sure, he was given lines from his zombie self in FE8, but the part where he goes "my power is to great for this vessel" or something is completely bonkers, Fomortiis only possesses one dude from that family, and that dude is Lyon. Remove Fomor-Lyon moving zombie!Vigarde's strings, and Vigarde is barely something more, uh, "sentient" than Monica (yes, the one from FE8 if you're wondering).

I ranted enough about how I fucking hated the FB between Lyon and his possessed self - maybe to sell Lyon as something more than a mere tool played and sacrificed by Fomortiis who preyed on his ambitions - and if that was supposed to sell me more on Lyon, then good job devs, FEH's Lyon is, imo, not FE8!Lyon thus not the character I care about.

Granted, I rant and rant and rant, but I'm also someone who's overjoyed when, saaay, FEH pisses on the source material when the source material sucks, like Julia has more characterisation in her base intro than in her entire game(s) because the devs see her as something else than a falchion with legs, and I've already ranted about Fodlan, but in general, IS seems to want to "correct" some stuff that came out wrong in earlier games (or piss on certain lolcalisations).

And it's always kind of difficult, with seasonal units, to come up with lines, like take Deghinsea for instance, all of his lines in the games are, hm, very serious and not light at all. And yet, he has a cute Halloween alt that would feel in-character, so to say, with the giant bald lizard we kill at the end of FE10.

But when it comes to creating a new unit from scratch (Altina? Ullr?) sometimes things work because the new thing created from scratch feels coherent with the world they're supposed to come from, and sometimes it's way more, uh, muddy (Elimine?). And you can bet I'll be overjoyed if mythic!Willy is released, or mythic!Indech/Macuil, even if it means the devs will have to invent a lot of things to make those characters feel like characters and not... pixels with new skills (but then they didn't care about that when they made Nerthuz...).

In the end, I think it's still the old discussion when talking about a fanwork, is something OOC or IC ?

And even if Heroes was developped by IS too, like the base games, sometimes the OOC comes out too clearly. Sometimes, everything works because the fanwork that is heroes works. It all depends on the twist IS uses to, as you said, sell characters.

I just hope that potential remakes won't use FEH as a base (with the twist they brought to characters) but use the... game being remade as a base, even if it clashes with the FEH characterisation.

Like, I'd hate it if a Sacred Stones remake characterises Eirika only as the naive princess depicted in the FE13 DLC or the "I want to be like my brother" brave alt, while removing the "Enough. Hold your tongue." part of her character.

[burinazar]

Thinking about the aspect of -- masking, I guess? I don't know what it is; every human does it to some extent -- that leads one to manifest the behaviors expected of them, beyond the normal parameters of code switching, and then lock themselves into this role even when it's constricting.

I was deeply affected by "Hatchling", the short story by Sayaka Murata that was at the tail end of her collection I recently read, wherein the protagonist involuntarily manifested the kind of traits assigned to her by other people. when i notice this behavior in myself i don't know how to parse it because it's so often framed as something done by people who are very manipulative or very socially aware or interested in impressing and tricking others and i am none of these things lol I think I'm actually incapable of deceiving people about myself on purpose -- but given i was reading the collection thru the lense of being relatable to people who Have the Neuron Divergence it felt like this huge breath of fresh air to have it be seen as part and parcel of just Masking or otherwise A Thing some of us weirdoes end up doing without having set out to do so, just as part of navigating the world.

Unlike the moderately uplifting ending of most of the other stories in the collection this one has a haunting ending where the protagonist ends up locked into playing a role with her partner that she did not want to play forever. It was really disturbing. My mental health has been doing badly lately (like so bad. worst since early 2022) and I keep feeling like I can't reach out to anyone (or, if I reach out to my parents in particular, it'll be doing so coming from the place of a crawling baby and not a mature adult dealing with problems) and having this story in the back of my mind made me examine how this is related to that and how much this gets in the way of things for me in general when those things are 'admitting there is a problem' and there seems to be no space to do so in the interactions people are expecting to have with me, the flow of which I am powerless to go against.

I myself definitely have, like, a prevailing personality in a way that's more overly manifest than the protag so I don't have the same problem she has but lately it's really grated on me how much I do this and how it's a barrier to being vulnerable or asking for help or being honest with others about how poorly I'm doing in certain respects.

I am unpicking how this overlaps with the 'super duper bad undiagnosed ADD -- > total divebombing of performance after leaving structured settings' thing because people's expectations are also a sort of structured setting. And my expectations for myself are too nonexistent to be used as one. (This, combined with the immovable conviction I'm not qualified for xyz things and deep horror of trying to feel i Belong in stem settings, all makes it really fucking hard to put effort into seeking a new career lol)

Mm not sure where I was going with this all tbh. However, maybe semi related: I'm giving myself permission to be worse and more cantankerous in internet and text contexts and also to start posting about difficulties and mental health type stuff again.

By the way this is one of the biggest reasons I've said I find Anthy relatable? Which people do not like to hear me say I've found lol (I'm thinking bc their understanding of me as a person is very counter to their understand of Anthy!) It's because (among other things -- this isn't the only reason) even though she definitely has A Personality of her own so much of her inclination in how she conducts herself is pouring herself into the container people hold out for her.

ok that's the post

[durtystars]

i know the show (and george himself) claimed that george was the opposite side of ross but honestly i never saw it. and the more i thought about george's S1 portrayal (the only one i can bear) the more i realized that, sorry folks, he and francis are far more "two sides of the same coin" of a duo than he and ross.

now let me cook. look at both men from the outside. they're weak personality wise (or, to avoid like i'm bashing francis, weakER than ross), have huge daddy issues and because of that are deeply insecure (george out of rejecting his father's love out of shame, francis' from constantly belittled out of his father's favoritism for ross), are constantly trying to show they are strong enough to stand on their own (and failing); heck they even surrounded themselves with "stronger" people to convince themselves of their attempts at strength (francis with george, george with his fake friends group that went in a puff of smoke for no reason).

so where does the contrasts lie? where's the "two sides of the same coin" at? a simple fact: one has the love of ross. you see the more i think of it, francis had more of a chance to become george if it wasn't for his family (but in this case, we'll just say ross). say that ross wasn't his cousin but, seen from afar, unable to be grasped like george's POV. i really think that he would be jealous over his father's favoritism to the point of viewing him as george does: having a hatred and enamoring for him at the same time.

the very idea of them being "friends" at all is such a deeply interesting thing to think about. because if you ask me it was a long time coming. they're just too similar for something not to happen. and as i said the only thing that really prevented francis from becoming "bad" (or george) was that he ross (or in this case, he is synonymous with love now) and george didn't. so what happens if you take ross out of the question? exaaactly. it also makes me think of ross questioning liz on francis and george's "friendship" after he came back. it genuinely surprised him. and of course he would be, since he and francis were inseparable all their lives. it's also interesting to see the dynamic of francis and george by itself as well? the fact that george drew francis away from ross (love) and into his own world of darkness and self pity. and that the only way francis could stand up to him is if he gained security and self worth (i should also add here that, interestingly, the both considered suicide. and while the one became stronger from it, the other became weaker. i would argue that the one who became stronger only had the ability to because he had love, while the other doesn't even know what it is).

for my last comparison i would love to touch on george's seduction of francis, because it is truly so riveting to me. in his preying on francis, george is already coming from a weak mindset. he doesn't know love (in my opinion, he's incapable of it but i believe he can come close to it if pushed that way) and as such has no real interest in francis. and he knows that (1 as an outsider (2 the fact he's not ross will never get his attention, so instead he puts on a facade of a stronger man that will attract him. any normal person would see right through george and know he's faking it, but the vulnerable and equally weak francis falls for it (inevitably imo). notice how verity was never friends with george? nor charles. and liz always had an arms length relationship with him. no, the only person who was ever close with him was francis. and so in this relationship, we see two weak men feeding off of each other's insecurities, insignificant self worth and fathered rejection. francis falls for george's imitation of strength, which in of itself is starkingly weak that he cannot find a shred of himself that is good to use on francis, so he just does what he always does in life, taking parts of actual strong people and applying to it himself in a way of survival, almost. the only way such a deeply messed up could work on anyone is if they were as weak or even weaker than him. thus in comes francis, who happens to be connected to the man he's obsessed about. he must have thought he was blessed from above.

as for george and ross, what can i say? besides that they were rivals (mostly on george's end anyway) both lived in cornwall, i guess? i have tried to make a connection on the yin/yang affect and nothing much came to mind which made me believe the push for it was contrived. i could write even more about francis and george, however, but i'll stop here.

[eldritchamy]

Hey, hello, how do I hear more of your world building because whenever you have it in tags of stuff, I am OBSESSED

I mean currently the answer is you have to be a specific person in my Discord DMs (and future housemate), who is the recipient of all of my infodumps about this particular topic.

The reason for this is that she's my ACTUAL DM (who runs a delightfully homebrewed Ravnica setting which takes a VERY liberal approach to MTG's concept of a multiverse), and my own homebrew Une-iverse is sort of the version of my characters and their story that exists in my head (I normally refer to this as "Story Mode") and is slowly being built out into its own whole world and, with any luck, several books. She greatly enjoys my infodumping in general, and has also been thrilled to have me as a player (in my first DND campaign!) because, and I quote, "Your passion and care for the story of your character is infectious." Her DMing style also very much jives with how I like to play the game, and the other players in the party, and their characters, are all excellent.

I'm pretty big on establishing and keeping to narrative arcs, and so far I'm pretty happy with where my character is in her journey as a person and how she's relating to the world around her, and in particular her story NPCs. One of my NPCs in particular (my favorite and the one I'm proudest of coming up with) she plays almost EXACTLY how I envision her, so every scene with that character is like a 5 pound brick of dopamine physically pummeled into my bloodstream through blunt force. She's also a very interesting character mechanically, so she's been the subject of QUITE a few infodumps about the mechanics of time and Second Sight and causality. I may make a post about that specifically, because I have a really cool way of explaining it.

When she first put out the call for a campaign she wanted to run, I was the first person to respond because I'd recently been in a bit of a DND hyperfixation (thanks in part to Critical Role) where I had turned a character concept I came up with several years prior into a functional PC. Her pitch for the campaign she wanted to run fit with the character I had started building, and I figured it was as good a time as any to actually get over my anxiety about it and actually join a party.

....While writing up my character's backstory initially, I was typing in a document that hit seven pages before my character was even born, if that's any indication of What I'm Like As A Person.

A fair amount got revised during and after character creation (I homebrewed an entire new 5e class (Witch) between levels 1 and 3 and she let me swap to it). I had some really cool ideas for her character backstory and her story NPCs (whom I, in an extremely on-brand obsessive fervor, had given some pretty deep backstories of their own), and she really enjoyed the creative direction I took everything character-wise and narratively.

And I STILL send her walls of text about character stuff and how they relate to things that happened and why they had the reactions they did to what events in their backstories and how everything interacted to make them such fleshed out and compelling characters.

Because when I get excited about a topic I am utterly, hopelessly incapable of shutting up about it. But she likes it and has a mutual interest in the particular topic, so she's ended up the person I direct all of the infodumps at.

As far as I can remember, I haven't posted anything about it except what's in either the "eldritch OCs" tag or more recently the "Uneiverse" tag on my blog.

I could be encouraged to post more about it, if enough people show an interest. I do think my cosmogony is pretty neat. I do need to work out a historical timeline, though, because currently some Pretty Major Stuff is a bit up in the air in terms of "ok cool but WHEN".

[quiminus]

Second part of my story again I apologize for any mistakes i made english isnt my first language

I had just got back to my house, the sun was rising and the real birds were already starting to sing, I was feeling great the first night was a success, and I didn't have to stop anything bigger than a few robberies, so while I was storing my equipment in a secret compartment in my attic and getting ready to go to sleep after the night I heard him before I saw him:

-It looks like you had quite a night, right, ma'am?

And there he was Benedito my mentor he was an old guy, old enough to be my grandfather he had a long white beard and long white hair that was in a bun and he used a cane, but don't be fooled he is tougher than looks

- Well I wanted to prove a point and I'm proving it

- And what point is that?

- I'm not incapable of helping people, I can be a hero like I told you I was going to be and I have the proper training so I wont die so easily  

Bento looked at me like he always does when it comes to this matter , that look is a look that is a mixture of pride, sadness and notes of concern but I never understood the reason for the concern I'm perfectly fine

- no one said that I'm doubting you or your abilities, I just care about you, I just want you not to end up getting hurt, but what about this, I'll stick around and keep an eye on you until  I'm sure you'll be able to take care of yourself and then I'll go away and let you do whatever you want, what about that?     

I was a little angry about that because he just said he didn't doubt me but that sounded extremely like someone who doesn't trust me but I didn't have much of a choice since Bento won't leave me alone but I was a little bit  happy too because I didn't want to spend those first months alone without anyone I know, after all it's been nine years since I left San Olga so I said:

- deal

- and just one more thing, you will have to make some adjustments wherever you place Circe because she is not a typical owl from North America - Bento said, preparing to come down from the loft -       Circe and my pet one of the last things I got before leaving the abyss and she is an owl a devil owl

- ok but I'm going to need help with this - I said showing my best smile because I didn't want to have to do that   

Bento rolled his eyes and took a breath

He said some things that I didn't understand and then he nodded and went downstairs.

*- Some hours later-*

After resting and helping to organize  circes space, I went and looked at myself in the mirror because I had to go out and I wanted to check how I looked since I had to go to an audition for a role in a series that was about to start recording. I think the name was scenic theory but I didn't pay much attention to it because I wasn't very interested in this series, I just need a job to earn my money, plus I need to have a life as a normal person for my disguise, but Anyway, I have short dark brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, with the body of a gymnast and I'm 1.60 cm ( 5 foot 3).

After looking at myself in the mirror and noticing slight dark circles under my eyes that I covered using sunglasses, something you should know about me and that my parents are Alexandre and Talia Willows and they were both very famous people my mother being a painter and my father an award winning film director and I will follow in their footsteps I want to be in this industry   

  I'm going to be an actress, my aunt Cassandra helped me have this and a few more auditions and now it's time for the audition

I arrived at the appointed place which was this studio that looked very old but at the same time it was well looked after and I waited with a few other people until they called my name, and when it was my turn the director looked at me and became very pale along with the guy next to him and said a little melancholy:

- Kelly Willows right?

- Yes it's me

-So it's true, when Cassandara told me that you wanted to audition I was incredulous because no one has known anything about you for almost 6 years, where were you?

-around- The director was a white guy with blond hair and very gray eyes, he had the voice of someone who smoked and also had a slight smell of cigarettes, the guy next to him was a black man who also looked much older, he had grey hair, he also had some warts that indicated he smiled a lot in life.

- It's great to finally meet Alex's daughter - said the black guy

- my name is Gabriel

- It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Willows - said the blonde, somewhat embarrassed - I'm José and I hope you pass the test

After that I read my lines I did my best and when I finished I got out of there as quickly as I could, not wanting to talk about my parents anymore because whenever people talk to me they talk about my parents, I'm fine and I don't accept or  need pity, it's been a long time since they died, the time for tears has passed

*- At night-*

Let's go, second night at work mechanical birds on, bird costume on and tranquilizer gun loaded now and just leave

When I'm in the air I feel free and as if all my problems were fake and for a moment I even forgot what I was doing but I remembered when a robotic falcon of mine gave me an alert, it was an abandoned warehouse and there were some guys I sneaked in, hid, listened and recorded:

- are you sure this is a good idea i heard that there is a giant bird haunting the street,that it is 1 meter tall and has 4 legs

- shut up Tony, that's an urban legend, I've never seen anything like that and I've seen a lot of things in this field, so let's take the guns to fortuna and get the money     Interesting then weapons and? This fortuna guy won't receive any weapons

  I climbed onto the roof beams of the warehouse and started to put out each of the guys with shots from my gun, they were very easy to catch, this tranquilizer was very effective, so that's when everything started to go wrong, I came out of my hiding place to handcuff them and check what weapons they were talking about and I almost got punched in the back of the head because there had just arrived 1 more  guy but I dodged it in time and then the fight started I really didn't want to use the claws on my clothes even though I'm a fighter I'm trying not to just go around hurting others, it was an ok fight because the guy was big and had experience but it wasn't anything especial the fight lasted a few minutes and then I jumped in the air and opened my wings, went up to the guy and managed to inject him the tranquilizer I had in my claws But then he did something I didn't expect, the guy had stuck a knife right in my leg, but it was too late I had knocked him out so I handcuffed him like the rest of the guys, I anonymously called the police and sent them the recordings and left .

On the way to another call from my birds I started to feel dizzy, the pain from the wound on my leg was increasing, it seemed like the cut was deeper than I thought. The adrenaline was leaving me and the amount of blood in my leg I had already lost a lot of blood I started to black out and also obviously fall the last thing I felt was a huge fear because falling from a great height brought back memories

*"Flashback"*

I was in a swimming pool on a swimming pool diving board a very very high diving board I was ten years old and I was scared to death I was scared to death because Uncle Arthur had a gun and he was climbing the ladder of the diving board and my parents had a bullet in the head and  uncle was approaching and he said:

- don't worry your death won't be painful you will join your parents soon    

It was almost at the top so I did the only thing I could do and jumped off the diving board towards the pool but I didn't know how to swim. The last thing I heard before I woke up was a door being forced open and a shout of STOP RIGHT WERE YOU ARE  , then the water came

*《End of Flashback》*   

I woke up not being able to breathe properly, I was hyperventilating and I was also completely distraught, trying to escape and I wasn't thinking straight and there was Bento next to me telling me it was just a dream and telling me to breathe deeply and calm down, he held me firmly and He breathed in an exaggerated way telling me to imitate him after a few moments of breathing I calmed down