#(our partner was actually visiting us the first weekend of november so I got to hang christmas ornaments with both of them :> )

[kirby-the-gorb]

[purplesurveys]

1596

Is Christmas your all-time favorite holiday? If so, why? I count my birthday as a holiday, and that’s actually my favorite one – I’m more intense with preparations and treats on my birthday than any other holiday. I feel like my overall feelings about Christmas are dulled knowing the reason why it’s even celebrated in the first place. I’m here just for the food and the 2-week company shutdown I get to enjoy, lol. Is Christmas more about presents or family? Family (and food, haha). Never been about the presents for me in the sense that I wouldn’t mind if someone didn’t have a gift for me; I do like getting presents for my loved ones though, just to let them know they’re always in my thoughts.

Do you have your Christmas tree and decorations up? We have a Christmas tree that’s bombarded with decorations, and we we put that up starting either late October or early November. We used to have a wreath by our front door, too, but we haven’t done that in a few years.

Do you even decorate? Yeah, just the tree. It’s filled with every kind of Christmas tree trinket you can think of, though.

Have you ever told a person that they are all you want for Christmas? Nah, not even with my last partner. I find it too cringey lol.

What are you hoping to get this Christmas? All I asked for is anything with BTS’ faces on it, doesn’t matter if it’s an authentic product or fanmade or replicas, to make it easier for everyone who might have no clue what to get me. But really, I’m fine with anything and nothing. It sounds so pretentious LOL but honestly the effort and presence of family and friends alone is enough.

By any chance is it a game console? I don’t think I ever asked for a game console for Christmas, this year being no exception; we weren’t the most well-off family in my childhood years and I didn’t want to put any more pressure for my parents.

Do you even make Christmas lists? I make Christmas shopping lists, if that’s what you mean. Mine is more or less done, just have around 4-5 people to buy for and I’ll be all set.

Are you grateful with anything you get for Christmas? Yes. Comes with the upbringing. I have relatives who have difficulties getting by, so if I get anything from them at all I know it must have taken lots of effort and thought. I’m grateful for literally anything and I make sure to use everything I receive, whether it’s a generic mug or headband or phone stand or whatever.

Have you ever given away a gift because you didn't like it? No. I’m honestly just genuinely grateful for any gift I get! And I like to make good use of every single one.

Have you ever gotten a gift that you felt like you couldn't accept? Yeah, last year my friends got together and we basically exchanged K-pop merch with one another so I felt super shy accepting what they got me! I feel like I felt this the most with Reena’s gift - a picket of Taehyung, hahaha.

Are you going to do any traveling this Christmas? Just short-term trips - we’re heading south on the 25th to gather with my dad’s side. We also have a quick vacation the weekend immediately after New Year’s.

Is anyone coming to visit you for Christmas? No, we’re the ones doing all the visiting.

In your opinion, what is Christmas really all about? Spending time with family that you only get to see during this time of the year.

Do you enjoy the 25 days of Christmas on some TV channels? I have no clue what this means.

What Christmas movie is your favorite? Love Actually and It’s A Wonderful Life!

Have you seen 'A Christmas Story'? If so, did you like it? I haven’t seen it.

Do you think that 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' is lame or classic? I’ve never seen that either.

What is the first Christmas movie you have seen this month? Haven’t watched anything Christmas-y so far. The only thing I’ve binge-watched is Breaking Bad, and that is the furthest thing that would give you holiday vibes lol.

Do you enjoy listening to Christmas music? Eh, not really. I like the jazzy kinds, but overall I rarely turn on Christmas playlists. Mariah Carey, Michael Buble, and Friends™ are way too overplayed during the holiday season anyway.

Do you really get involved in the Christmas spirit? Idk what this question is trying to ask, so I guess not. Like I said, I am largely here for the food and the 2-week vacation I get to get, lol.

Does the Christmas environment make you feel comfortable? You know what? I’m really glad and grateful that it’s been starting to actually feel that way. I had the worst seasonal depression every single year a while back, and Christmas was always something I dreaded. If I wasn’t in a family reunion that I didn’t want to be in, I kept myself locked in my room where I watched whatever comfort show I felt like watching. Not the case anymore.

Do you donate toys for the toy drive this time of year? Not toys. But I’m looking at donating money for a few animal shelters I follow. When I’m able to save up more, I’d love to give in-kind donations, like leashes, pet food, etc.

What is the best Christmas gift you have ever received? Paramore tickets.

Have you ever cried on Christmas day? Maybe Christmas 2020 because it was my first post-breakup Christmas? Idk I barely remember anything from the time but I’m not ruling out crying.

Are you usually the first one to wake up on Christmas day? I haven’t noticed. Probably not.

Are your favorite colors red and green? No, my current favorite is purple.

What colors do you like to see in Christmas lights? Yellow.

Have you ever helped your friends decorate for Christmas? No, that’s usually a family thing where I’m from, and I’m not about to interrupt their own decorating sesh.

Do your Christmas decorations stay up until New Year's? Until the end of January; that’s how long the Christmas season is here.

Are you usually the one that takes down the decorations? Our entire family does, since we have a million Christmas tree decors up.

In your opinion, what is the best gift you have ever given someone? Unfortunately that title belongs to stuff I’ve given my last partner; I always went down the sentimental path when it came to giving them gifts, so there were a few presents that I was a little prouder of. But putting that aside, probably the film camera I’m getting my cousin and his fiancée this year! They recently got engaged, so I thought of getting them that so they can capture more 2023 memories the old-school way.

Have you ever given someone a gift they didn't like? I’m sure. Nobody can get it right all the time. < This. I’ve had to be resourceful in the past when I wasn’t earning yet, and I’m sure I had misses here and there.

Is it really the thought that counts? Yeah. Again, it all boils down to perspective since I have loved ones who aren’t the most well-off but insist on buying presents. I’m grateful for anything I receive even if I never really expect stuff from anyone. 

Do you throw Christmas parties every year? Well our house is a little farther than everyone else’s and is also a bitch to get to, so as much as we want to host parties we don’t really do so to avoid hassling people. We’re the ones who do the visiting. I host parties for other stuff though, like if there are online BTS concerts to watch.

Do you even enjoy Christmas parties? Yeah, but it depends on the crowd. Parties with family and friends are great, but my social battery drains out faster if I’m at like a company Christmas party.

What happened on the worst Christmas you ever had? I’d say 2020 because I had to fake a smile through most of it when I was crushingly depressed inside. But it also allowed me to recognize the people and things I did have around me.

Has Christmas been on your mind more and more as the days go by? It’s barely in my mind, honestly. I can’t even believe it’s already the 21st -- I have none of my presents wrapped, and tomorrow I still have to shop for 3 more people lol. I’m mostly ecstatic that I get 2 weeks off work and want to focus on resting up and powering up for 2023.

Do you usually count down the days until Christmas? Only as a kid, when Christmas used to feel a lot bigger and more exciting. Only thing I’m counting down for anymore is Jin’s discharge from the military...

Do you know people who hate Christmas? I used to – the person was me. These days I don’t think anyone I know hates the holidays.

What age did you stop believing in Santa Clause? I never believed tbh and I remember being 4 or 5 and questioning his ‘midnight visits.’ I didn’t understand why I had to be asleep for him to drop by.

Do you host any kind of Christmas event or help with it? Starting last year my Army friends and I get together for Christmas to exchange gifts and have some drinks, and we plan that out together. This year’s gathering is going to be tomorrow.

Do you like eggnog? I’ve never tried but I’d love to have it someday!

Have you ever done a 'Secret Santa'? Yes, monito-monita is a big tradition in our extended family, on my mom’s side, and we’ve been doing it...pretty much the entire time I’ve been alive, lol.

Do you hate to see people sad on Christmas? I mean, I don’t like seeing people sad at any time of the year. < This is true. To answer the question more directly though, I guess I feel for people who don’t want to be alone on Christmas but end up so.

Have you ever ruined someone else's Christmas? I hope not? Idk for sure.

Do you decorate any online profiles for Christmas? No.

If you could live Christmas over day after day, would you? No. Imagine how tiring/draining that would be...

Do you have any pets that you buy Christmas presents for? No, it’s not like they can grasp the context of Christmas lol. Their dinners during this time of the year get a whole lot fancier though LOL

Are you or have you ever been in a Christmas play? If so, which one was it? Nopes.

Does Christmas get old year after year? Not for me, but I empathize with people who feel this way. Personally, I feel that it doesn’t get ‘old’ per se; it’s just that the older you get, the bigger shoes you have to fill, you know? You start to be the grownup who helps the other grownups in organizing parties, who has to think of nieces and nephews and family friends to give presents to, who has to start paying attention on whether or not you’re keeping within budget, who has to focus on feeding people and making sure everyone comes home full, etc. Christmas is largely a test of practicality for me at this point.

Do you like, love, or hate Christmas shopping? I dread it at the start when I open my shopping apps and there are like 47374934723822038207483 stuff to choose from. But being able to find a good gift for someone is always a nice feeling.

Has anyone ever ruined your Christmas? I remember having to take care of 50 work-related deliveries in the middle of Christmas in 2020. Same year I also had a client who needed reports to be done on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I was literally working on my laptop while in the car and on the way to see family.

Have you witnessed your neighbors arguing on Christmas? (I have, bad scene) I haven’t. People are just karaokeing all over the place lol.

Are you working on Christmas? We have a company shutdown that started today and lasts until January 3rd, but of course that doesn’t permit us to completely shut off our lines from our clients. Urgent things that can’t be avoided still have to be attended to, of course, but in general we have these two weeks off to relax.

Have you ever had to work on Christmas? Yeah, I touched on that a bit earlier.

Have you ever lost someone special on Christmas? Fortunately not during the Christmas season. But like most people I’ve had to deal with those ‘first Christmases’ - first Christmas without a grandparent, a friend, a pet, etc who died earlier in the year.

Is Christmas better than New Year's or are they both equally awesome? I love New Year’s. It was always the more exciting holiday for me.

Are you really excited for Christmas? Not really, it’s just nice to be off work. < Completely this. 

Did you like this survey? I hope so. Well, bye! ^_^ Sure, thanks!

[transephiroth]

an important post: abuse from friends, friend abuse. please read and reblog.

TW: abuse ment, bpd ment, ed ment, suicide ment, ptsd, trauma, death ment. gaslighting ment.

i don’t know what exactly what has compelled me to make this post at nearly 1:00 am on a school night just like every other, but i think the importance of advocacy of preventing, spotting, and stopping abusive friendships is to talk about them with the same respect as any other form of abuse.

i’ll give you a small overview of my personal experience with abusive friendships: when i was 16, my father committed suicide. i was not aware he was my biological father at they time and actually found out he was not my half brother, but my biological father. my father, who’s name i will not mention. i won’t even use fake names they’re hard to keep track of. i found out my mother, an abusive drug addict, slept with her husband, my apparent grandfather’s, adult son from a previous marriage consensually. one way or another, my father was forbidden to be involved in my life, and my grandfather raised me as his own. (in case you’re going to ask about inc*st, my father and mother have no relation, she is not his mother.)

the shock of learning this and grieving his death from the few negative interactions he and his mental health had on my family when i was a baby, was intense. i had no friends at school and felt incredibly lost and vulnerable. when i was in this place i met my best friend. we bonded over a shared hatred of my ex boyfriend, who was an abuser, who was dating her ex best friend.

this should have been a red flag, but i ignored it.

i took the first friend i could find after my ex took away all my friends in an effort to isolate me after my assault. this was probably the worst part of my life, and one of my first real suicide attempts was only days before my father died. the first friend i found, the first soul i recognized i clung to.

when me and my friend, who we will call P, were inseparable. but there was a very clear and distinct difference between us. P was a star in the band at school, she had great grades, tons of friends and was quite conventionally attractive. she was involved in a lot of extracurriculars and overall had a very nice demeanor.

this should have been a red flag. as harsh as it might sound, idealizing anyone is unhealthy. if someone appears to you as perfect, it’s not paranoid of you to wonder if it’s hiding something. it’s hard to tell when someone is being genuine, especially for myself with autism. nice words and a smile can pretty much fool anyone.

i, on the other hand of P, dropped out of band and just about every other activity after my assault, and was in and out of intense therapy and psych visits throughout all of high school. i never could go a school year without a visit. to this day i have gone a whole year however :)

I was an autistic shut in who quite honestly, cried a lot, smelled bad, was clearly poor, spoke funny and came to school drunk. we were not the same.

i don’t want to go over every painstaking detail, so i’ll try to summarize as best i can the first two years of our three year relationship.

P was diagnosed with BPD about a month into our friendship. she told me i was her FP/favorite person, and showed me videos to learn about BPD. i remember watching hours and hours of information about BPD to accommodate her the best i could. what i didn’t realize however, was that she was lying. she didn’t have BPD, or at least couldn’t be diagnosed because we were 16.

red flag. i knew this was a lie because i had been in therapy for years. it took me a long time to peace it together but i accepted it and beget told her, until this moment, that i knew.

i fucking knew.

months of friendship included constant easy to see through lies, fabrications, pathological rants, and pretty much changing her “back story” every day. it was draining not to mention it, but the few times i did, she got physical. i have scars on my right forearm from her nails, which were long and broke skin. she would tell me she would pay me back for things and never show. she would make fun of things i told her in secret to our friends, my trauma. my dad.

“dark humor”

over time, she convinced me to drop every single friend i had except for her. she had gotten me literally completely vulnerable and isolated.

when covid hit, my mom, of course, kicked me out. i moved in with P and her family. my time there over quarantine was very monotonous, but i’ll never forget that for basically 8-9 months, she never let me out of her sight. i felt like i had to just do whatever she wanted because her mother let me live there for free.

p knew i wanted to move away from my mother and the chaos of my home life for years.

right before quarantine, P got her first boyfriend. she had never had a boyfriend and had been to scared to get one. i was really happy for her, i encouraged her to ask him out while she was at a weekend school event.

P then began to manipulate not only me, but him. to this day i don’t know what’s become of either of them, but i really couldn’t care less anymore. when trauma heals, you get a sense of apathy.

P would frequently belittle me, mock me, kick, trip and slap me, force me to pay for things for her and her boyfriend on the spot, and steal from my purse.

eventually living with p, third wheeling with her less than charming boyfriend, who i honestly just didn’t mind. we weren’t friends, but i was respectful to him and treated him the same way i would treat a friend from school or something.

p has a family i won’t bring up because it involves minors, but her mother has a psychotic disorder and refuses to be medicated, so the house is full of ripped door hinges, holes in walls, smashed items and more. it’s really unsafe there, and during my time there i found i really began to internalize as a person. i developed an eating disorder and my ptsd and autism felt much more out of control.

i had been diagnosed with autism for nearly two years at that point, and living in that household made me realize just how damaging meltdown after meltdown without anyone understanding can damage your psyche long term.

i wanted to leave. i had saved my money from my jobs and got an apartment. p insisted on coming, saying she didn’t want to live with her mom anymore. i didn’t want her to come, but i agreed. she got a co-sign. i knew it was a bad idea because i heard what they said about best friends living together. i just can’t believe it really happened.

we talked about growing old together, raising our kids together. i was going to name my first daughter after her. we were going to be neighbors. her husband and my wife would be best friends just like us, but that’s not what happened.

we lived together from August 2020-November 2020

to give a quick summary of the inevitable end of this relationship, P and I had two kittens together. i asked her if she could put them away for inspection so they didn’t run out the door while i drove our third roommate, a whole other mountain of a story, to work.

she didn’t do it, instead slacked off to go to her boyfriends house. so i came back and had to put the cats away at record speed and our other roommate was late to work.

even if this was somewhat small, it was the breaking point for me. i grabbed my phone and texted her, DEMANDING she explain why she couldn’t do this one thing for me. i have never been that angry in my life. we had a phone call where i just lost it and unleashed all my anger and all my hurt about everything she had done. i was sobbing and barely making sense but i couldn’t just keep letting my life carry on this way.

i wish i remembered how the phone call ended, but all i remember was telling her “if the cats run and we can’t find them, then we are done being roommates.”

the next morning i woke up and she had blocked me on everything. i drove to the apartment and saw that overnight, according to block times at like, 3am, she had taken all our shared furniture, all my birthday gifts from not two weeks prior, all the gifts i bought her, most of my clothes, one of the apartment keys, my high school diploma, the paperwork for the cats, and not just our two shared kittens, but my third roommates cat as well.

cue search party with my partner and his friends and my other roommate for P and the cats. i found her at her house with her mom and boyfriend. i walked out and she was on the phone with my grandfather, telling him i was threatening suicide. i ask her where the cats are, she says they are at a friends house.

if we flashback in the story, we literally only had each other, so i knew it was a lie.

i managed to argue through to negotiate at least my other roommates cat, but only after P’s mom blocked us in the driveway and called the police saying we threatened her daughter

(reminder people in this group were black and asian ☺️ so she just calls the cops fall 2020)

luckily the cops saw the proof she blocked me so i couldn’t have threatened her, and let us leave.

that’s the end of the friendship. i could bore anyone who has read this far further by explaining the nightmare realm that is the legal troubles with the apartment, but the internet doesn’t need to know everything does it?

as the winter has gone on i’ve had months to basically remake myself as a person. i had to firstly face the damage P had done.

but before i get into that, anyone who is still reading first, ily, but also, if you’ve had ANY relationship that sounds similar to this, THAT IS ABUSE.

Plain and simple. It is abusive. Physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally. nobody deserves that. not P. not you. not me.

friendships can be all someone has. not everyone is born into good families with loving siblings and great parents and tons of cousins who live .3 milliseconds away. families are divided. families, like mine, are divorced. families are broken and families sometimes aren’t even families. humans need relationships, and an idealistic person who we think maybe could save us and fix the world, won’t.

you can be taken advantage of by the person you trust the most just as easily as a stranger.

it’s not wrong to face the abuse they put you through, know it was wrong, and feel valid that it is was wrong.

what i went through with P was horrible. the detachment of my only friend hurt. but i bounced back. i’m still undoing some of the damage, but i have great friends and a wonderful partner. i have two rescue cats who mean the world to me.

life gets better after abuse, but the bad days and the pain aren’t invalid because of this. i have trauma from what P put me through. abandonment like that is traumatic. but it’s not the end. feel what you need to feel to feel better.

if anyone read this far and wants to vent their own experiences, or share more advice on preventing these relationships feel free. it’s almost 1:30 now, i should go to bed.

it feels good to get that off my chest.

[semiller1213]

Macropost update #3: 

It definitely has been a minute since last updating you all but we have completed so much awesome stuff! After some time finalizing our hypothesis regarding why we might be seeing higher COVID-19 Cases within the Hispanic/Latinx community, David had mentioned our project to his friend at the Montgomery County Health Department, which happened to be one of the counties we identified has having significantly high cases of COVID-19 within their Hispanic/Latinx community. Angie, who is working with David already, was extremely interested in our work and was wondering if we could partner together. As a group we collectively decided to direct our project towards Montgomery County and their Hispanic/Latinx population. After that, we went ahead and started on focusing our deliverables for Montgomery County. 

Last week we were notified that Walmart was not allowing anyone to set up table events at their stores so we were out of a venue we thought might really work for our project. Our next step was to try maybe smaller, more local Hispanic markets within Montgomery County, NC. Mason and Michelle were in contact with La Cosecha in Biscoe, NC and the store owners there were really enthusiastic about our project and mentioned that they would love for us to have a table event there. On November 7th, we will be there from 9-3pm. This might be a great way to get in contact with the Hispanic/Latinx population directly and promote many of the bilingual resources we are distributing. 

My project was to work on the COVID-19 Care Kits that we will be distributing at our table events that Mason was setting up. This past Saturday we even drove to Montgomery county and visited local businesses and received many donations for our COVID-19 Care Kits. While driving around, we noticed Dunn’s Flea Market in Biscoe. It was so cool and we instantly knew this would be a great way to get involved with the community first-hand. 

Since then, I still have have been in contact with many local and chain stores and have received quite a few donations. We are planning to at least have 100 Care Kits for the 1st tabling event on November 7th and 100 Care kits for the 2nd tabling event on November 14th. We were hoping to have hand soap and/or disinfectant wipes for all of the care-kits but it seems that those supplies are really hard to get right now so not a lot of places are donating those items. Because of this, I have decided to change the contents of the care-kits a little bit. Our main goal now is to at least have hand sanitizer, gloves and masks in all of the bags! We currently have 140 One-size Reusable Masks, 60 Large Reusable masks, and 60 Medium Reusable masks, (Depending on the sizing, we will determine if some kits will get both a medium and large mask), 4 Face Shields, 55 Bottles of Hand Sanitizer (Campbell is donating 100 bottles which will be ready on 11/11, and Medicine Center is trying to order 50 bottles which should be here 11/5, we will see what they get in), a $50 dollar gift card to Carlie c’s (maybe focus on buying hand sanitizer depending on what medicine center can get in?), 350 Disposable Masks (each kit will get multiple of these), and gloves (we will make small/medium, and large kits with the gloves). I am waiting to hear back from Realo Drug Store. He is finding out today (11/4) what he can order for November 14th’s table event.

Currently, I am also working on making title slips for inside of the care kits to help identify what they are and who all donated to the project. Also, at the table events, we will be providing the awesome brochures that Michelle and Shantavia have made! 

We also have finished making 104 children’s COVID-19 coloring booklets for the first table event. Friday, 11/6, we will actually be making the care kits and stapling the crayon packets to the coloring books as well. My next major project will be writing a thank you letter template using the Montgomery County letter head that was sent to me. I will work on that this weekend and get it approved. Once approved I will send out those thank you letters to all the businesses that have donated. 

Let me tell you, It has not been easy but it sure is rewarding to have so many businesses come together to support this project of ours! I am also so thankful for my awesome team members. They have done such an incredible job with each of their projects. Mason is coming up with posters for our table as well as getting the supplies we need to host it. Michelle is still working on reaching out to local radio stations about promoting the brochure and Shantavia got in touch with Montgomery County Schools and they are willing to distribute out the brochures to their students! It is so cool to start seeing our goals we had at the beginning of the project come to life! I definitely think that what we are doing will help spread awareness and ultimately reduce the number of cases of COVID-19 we are seeing within the Hispanic/Latinx Community.

[emzaaaa]

I broke up with my 6 year relationship.

I need to talk about it.

I met my ex when I was 19 years old. I had just moved to Orlando, FL from a small midwest town. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship before and I honestly wasn’t looking for anything. We met working at Disney World under fireworks. We talked about music and instantly were hooked on eachother. I remember them asking me if I wanted to hang out and in my oblivious mind, I thought it was just that. A hang out. 

We went to this vegan kitchen and decided to walk in this cute little park across the street. All of a sudden I felt a hand grab mine. At that time is when I knew something was going to come out of this day. Damn. 6 years later and I’m a completely different person. 

The first year and a half was a dream. They constantly told me they loved me, we cuddled all the time, they made me FEEL loved and I constantly wanted to be near them. Nothing else mattered but them. 

Two years in is when they threw a bomb into our relationship. Something huge came to light that I wont share on this just because it’s not my story to tell. Before this, it was something that was apart of them but nothing came of it. Now they needed this. I was so excited for this bomb and I couldn’t wait to support and be there for them throughout the entire new chapter. 

Three years in is when we finally got our very own apartment together. The first two years we actually lived with their mother. You’d think that would be weird but I honestly loved it. She became my mom too. That’s honestly one of the hardest parts of this breakup. I have to separate her from my life and journey and that’s heart wrenching. This was a very exciting year for us. We experienced so many new things together with this apartment and learned and grew so much from it. Everything was so exciting. We were truly building a foundation. I remember one morning I woke up and they came into the room, taking a break from video games, and said “Let’s get married” Now, I know they werent being serious but I will always remember this morning. It gave me a glimpse of hope. This apartment was a tiny 500 square foot apartment but it was huge for our relationship. 

Four years in is when we decided to move out of Orlando.We both felt our journey was ending in that city and needed to start a new chapter. We set our eyes on Portland, Oregon. We had something to get excited about. We took a very spontaneous trip to Portland for a weekend and instantly fell in love with the area. We loved everything about it and just how liberal and chill everything was in that state... literally the definition of our relationship so far. A few months before we needed to tell our landlord that we werent resigning I felt our relationship start to crack. We started fighting more and more. We were getting annoyed with each other for silly things. We’d have fights but by the next day we were completely fine and comfortable again. I remember asking myself if I really wanted to sign another lease with this person. Ultimately, I felt my ex and I were endgame and were forever. So I pushed away all doubts and continued on with our plans. By this time moving to Portland wasn’t feasible but we still wanted to get out of Florida. Out of options, we decided to move to my hometown of Des Moines, Iowa. I hadn’t lived there for almost 5 years and my ex had never been there. So it was a new experience for both of us. 

Five years in we were moving to Iowa. From the outside perspective we were very excited. We were doing something new and unfamiliar to us. This was a turning point in our relationship. There was a reason I moved OUT of Iowa. I hated the Midwest. I was so miserable before... why would I move back. By the second month of living back in Iowa, all I saw was darkness. I didn’t want to be in that state anymore. I told my ex I wanted to move back to Florida but they didn’t want to regress like that. Their time in Orlando was over. Which I get.. it’s the same thing I was experiencing with Iowa. At this time my ex was also getting very depressed with their own shit going on. I felt like we were pulling apart from each other. Usually my ex loved to play video games but it felt like it consumed them. They use to tell me what they were doing online or something funny that happened.. all of a sudden that stopped. It almost felt like we were roommates. I’d go to bed alone and wake up alone. It felt so strange because on the other side of the wall there was my ex living in a completely different world. And I wasn’t invited.  Our fighting became more and more. 

Have you ever heard of jumping the shark? Where a tv show will do something crazy when they feel like the end is near... hoping to get more views and prolong the inevitable. Well... getting a dog was our jumping the shark. I had wanted a dog since two years into our relationship. It was never gonna happen in Florida.. just because the cost of living mixed with dog expenses would be insane. Living in Iowa, cost of living is nothing compared to Orlando. We finally had extra money in our pockets. Christmas came around and they got me my dream dog.. a corgi named Billie. She became my new love and she was all I wanted. I honestly don’t know why they got me a dog. Because thats all that happened. They never shared in anything else. I went to to all the vet visits, I bought her puppy training classes and taught her a few tricks, I bought her everything she has. To this day the only thing they have done is buy her and buy half the spay. They never tried to be involved at all. I wont lie though.. I’m so thankful for my ex because they brought Billie into my life. Billie saved my life. I had something to throw all my love and support to. 

Five and a half years in we moved again.. staying in Iowa. I wanted to move out of state but it just wasn’t in our cards. I went back to college, thinking maybe if I did something with my life I’d be happy again. That didn’t work. I hated everything and I brought that into my relationship, I’ll admit. This past November/December we were fighting every week to the point of us calling it quits each week. At this point we never cuddled, everytime I tried to kiss them they would put their cheek out for me to kiss, I didn’t even remember the last time they freely told me they loved me. They didn’t seem interested in anything I was doing or wanted to do and didn’t support me with anything either. We had no communication. 

At this point of the relationship I felt like nothing. I felt so unwanted. My self esteem was zero. I did everything for this person.. why didn’t they do something.. anything in return. 

One story. Valentines Day this past year. I was so excited for it. I thought I could finally put some romance back in this relationship and help fix it. I planned this day for weeks. I bought them a dozen red roses and left a cute note telling them how beautiful they were and how much I truly did love them. I had to go to work that day but I begged my leaders to be let out early. It was approved and I eagerly bought ingredients for a new recipe that I knew theyd love. I came home and nothing was said about the flowers. Totally fine. I was cool about it. They went to go get their car fixed which took hours. Thinking it was Valentines Day and we needed to be together.. I went with. After we got back I made dinner and we ate and drank a bottle of wine. We decided to watch a movie and they got angry with me because I interrupted the movie. I remember how my heart plummeted and I slowly got up.. grabbed the gift I was going to give them and hid that it in the closet. I went to bed early. They never once told me they loved me or did anything special. Never even thanked me for dinner or helped with the dishes. 

Exactly one month ago. I went MIA and ran to my parents house because I finally was realizing there was no relationship left. I should have ended things a long time ago but I never did. I didn’t want to be alone. I’m terrified of being alone. But one day at work everyone was talking about their partners and I just had a realization.. “I don’t feel the way everyone else does about their partners” That mixed with how my partner was treating me.. I ran to my parents for a night to get my head straight. I refused to text them.. I just needed to figure things out.

The next day I came home and we sat down and talked. I told them how I didn’t see us being together and that I felt like I was holding them back. They were about to completely alter their life and I knew how they had been confused on things within the relationship. It wasn’t fair to me. Their issues with themself wasn’t an excuse for them to be absent. I need someone to be completely sure about me. I’m a fucking catch. Together we realized the relationship was over. 

The next morning I didn’t believe it. We fought all the time and “broke up” quite a few times.. all ending the same.. us being completely fine the next day. The week after that we had serious talks for hours every night just hashing things out and just trying to understand what went wrong. My ex has huge communication problems. This week after the breakup is when they finally opened up their soul to me and told me everything that was confusing them.

I realized I don’t fit in with their life. I was the reason they stopped something that they needed in the beginning of the relationship and I will always hold onto that.. if they had kept with it.. what would have been of this relationship now? Cryptic, right? This whole thing is probably.. but I need this.

In the month of being broken up and being single.. I’ve learned so many things about myself. I realized it was the fear of being alone that kept me from truly ending things. I should have ended things a long time ago... honestly in Orlando. I saw so many red flags that I kept pushing away. I have so much love for my ex. I support them and I can’t wait to see what comes of their life in these next few years. 

This past month of being broken up has brought things out that I am not proud of either. I tried for almost six years to get my ex to open their soul and truly connect with me.. this girl comes into their life a few months ago and instant connection. To say Im jealous and to say that that ruined this whole breakup for me... yeah that would be true. I wanted to be loving and in their life still.. but now there is no room for that because this girl took my spot. Because of this I had done things I wasn’t proud of out of pure jealousy. After a week of denial and crying all day in bed I finally felt a new emotion: rage. I felt angry. Angry that my ex didn’t want to try and actually get down to the core and fix things.. they just wanted to throw it in the trash. I threw all gifts they got me away.. I said hurtful things.. I tried throwing away things I got them.. I was just so angry. I needed to feel something other than denial and sadness. The next day I felt so content and like maybe it would be okay. Don’t get me wrong I am completely humiliated on how I acted and what I did.. but it was so needed for me to be at this point in the breakup. If I didn’t have that night I would still be in bed crying begging them to fix things. I think I was in denial because it was my idea to break up the first night and then realized I was going to be alone the next day and regretted saying I didn’t think we should be together. But I’m so glad I did. I built up the courage to say out loud what I was thinking for months.. even years. Sure, things ending hurt my soul and I’m broken because of it... but things needed to end. I need to find someone who loves me the way I want to be loved and deserved to be loved. 

Whats happening now? I’m moving on to new things. I’m moving back to Orlando for myself. I’m excited to live in a city I loved and not have a relationship consume me. I’m excited to say YES to everything and not no because I want to go back home and be with my love. I’m relearning who I am. I completely lost myself to someone who didn’t feel the same. I have to fix my self esteem and outlook on life. I have to learn to love myself again. And I’m so excited to do so. I’m a fucking bad bitch and I’m so excited to see what I do next.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 

[myunknownsource]

Parental Alienation

Hello,

 I am sure you're curious what this would bring you to. And I would love to get right to the point. TLDR at the bottom.

Ronee (candle-jacked) told you all a bunch of lies. The first one being that her ex had abandoned them in October. We had their son for Christmas 2 months after he supposedly abandoned them. We didn't even start dating until December.. And then she told you that he called her on new years eve to tell her they needed to break up even though they had been broken up for many many months at this point. Trust me he was extremely occupied new years eve. The only reason I can think she thought they were together was because at some point before we started dating his roomates girlfriend at the time was thinking about leaving and getting her own place and he wanted to see if Ronee would be open to the idea of him, her, their son, and his other roommate in getting a place. He only wanted to do that so it was easier for him to see his son. He ultimately changed his mind when he was skeptical of her getting a job and pulling her weight evenly, which had never really happened well in the past, the only time it did money was held over his head while he watched and took care of their son. Justin and I started dating at the beginning of December after dating for 2-3 weeks in November. We hit it off extremely well and seeing that we have been together for 4 years says a lot. I’m sure you all know and support someone who started their relationship extremely quickly and if you're ok with that it would be very hypocritical of you not to be ok with this. Which is exactly why I didn't quite understand why Ronee herself freaked out when her entire relationship with justin not only started while she still had a boyfriend but it became a sexual relationship before they were ever bf and gf. Not that I would ever care or judge something like that. I think the next lie we can talk about would be the “paramour”a lover, especially the illicit partner of a married person” shit. Justin and Ronee weren't married, they were not engaged, they weren't even dating.  Its just yet another spiteful name she felt the need to call me, alongside bashing my sexual history (which seems pretty anti feminist to me) as well as telling people I sold my body for money (i wouldn't have even been 18 so lets thank god thats not true) and that i frequently fist fought my mother and my brother, also not true you can literally ask them lol. I have an amazing relationship with my mother who i was actually just visiting in AL where they moved and my brother who just got back from fighting for your freedom just left my house like 2 hours ago. SO yeah. 

Another lie she told me herself when she was trying to get me to turn on Justin was that they were engaged when we started dating. Did she tell you guys about that or just me? Apparently because she didn't like traditional rings she didn't have one to prove it to me because he was designing one specifically for her.. Im sorry guys and no offence to justin but he doesn't care about stuff like that, its weird for him and I have come to accept that. Now on the other hand if she had told me that he asked her to design it I would have maybe believe her because thats more his style. She also told you guys his own family disowned him, that isnt even close to true. She even tried to say it was because I assaulted his sister? Whos was a minor at the time and still is now. SOO lets poke some holes in this story shall we? Justins mother and I are arguing about who knows what, I really cant remember and her daughter is behind her on the stairs (im in the basement with justin) the argument is getting heated and Donna (justins mother) decides to come about 15ft forward until there's about 3ft between us. (his sister is still on the stairs) but apparently mid argument I freak out and punch his sister? Whos 20ft away from me, past his mother? Maybe Ronee can clear that up for us. On top of that if I assaulted a minor that would have been an easy instant phone call to the police and I would have a very easy to find record in Missouri. Yet I dont. Because that didn't happen. Also why did we move back in with Donna when we had to abruptly move to missouri per instructions from our GAL (mareks lawyer from the courts) because otherwise Ronee would get the visitation she wanted which was supervised (though she had no evidence to be granted that) for 4 hours a few times a month. Despite the fact that we lived 4 hours away. Anyways, where were we? Ahh yes. Donna welcomed us into her home because at the time we were her chance at seeing their son (her grandson). I got a semi sincere apology from her for punching me in the face that night and we moved on from it, becasue im a good person. Ronee still says his family hates him but lets do a headcount. Justin, his brother, his mother and his sister, also 2 cousins. WHo doesnt like Donna? Justin, his brother, and his 2 cousins because they all also know what their parents told them about their shitty aunt. Even Ronee herself said she was a shitty mother and that Diane was there for justin more than his mom. 

Now its time for court. Ronees lawyer approached us. We found out that had we not shown up the judge would have granted what Ronee wanted (the 4 hours supervised a few times a month) which is funny because when justin called Diane (Ronees mother) she boasted how she wouldn't let Ronee take Marek away if justin couldn't make it and wouldn't let Ronee do the supervised visits because she knew he was a good dad. BULLSHIT lol. He also specifically asked us to not talk to her about what we wanted in the visitation plan because when we did she would call him crying about how she didnt want Justin apart of anything…. HE TOLD US HE DIDNT WANT TO DEAL WITH HER BS TOO! Eventually we hired a cheap lawyer who we were told wasn't the best but at this point her lawyer won't communicate with Justin even though he was representing himself and we needed someone who could file these documents when we couldn't. We had to explain to the GAL that justin hadn't seen his son in over a year and we had to show him the texts we had from a prepaid phone to Ronee where she REFUSED to let Justin talk to his son for unknown reason (jk we all know why) and he ordered that we get him that day and would start an every other weekend schedule until things got worked out with the courts. She sent her mother to bring hsia son that day and this woman has the audacity to tell Justin that this all could have been avoided. 

But I think one of the most important pieces of information I can give you is that Justin has tried to pay her support for the last 9mo-12mo after he had to quite the job where his money was being garnished. We have the venmo receipts after it took her 5 months to finally agree to accept payment from, then he was laid off for 3 months per his work contract which we also have on file and he sent her about ⅓ of what he was ordered to pay (he had no job and he sent her most of the spending money he got that I budgeted for each of us from my paychecks) about half way through his lay off he asked her something about how he thought it would be a good idea if she reported the CS payments every 6 months to the CS office. It would have been free but she was the only one who could do it. It wasn't even a demand but a suggestion that could have been talked about, we legitimately thought we had finally rounded a curve and we all could start co parenting together, but apparently he wasn't aloud to give her suggestions because she blocked him on venmo, went off on him on talking parents (the app she forced him into using despite the fact that shes in contempt of court for doing that) and specifically told him she would never report the money. We also have snips of that convo if you guys want it. Justin hasnt talked to his son in about 6 months. The few times he “has” it doesnt sound like a 9 yo and its demeaning things that Ronee herself has said in the past. About a month ago he got a call from Marek and was actually getting somewhere after he started to explain things to him. He even told his son about how in June he was parked in front of his house to get him for his 2 week summer vacation and Ronee hadnt let him get him and his son told him in a very said voice that he never knew that. Then the line went dead. Ronee texted from his sons phone saying this isn't the time to talk about that and hes been blocked ever since. 

TLDR; Ronee Halsey (candle-jacked) is abusing her power as a co parent with my fiance and abusing their child through parental abuse. 

P.S. I know I will receive backlash from her closest friends who think they know the story and thats ok because I cant sit here for one more minute while she gets away with this(I will block you though). I would be more than happy to supply everyone with any and all evidence I have. 

P.P.S OMG I almost forgot the worst part. Ronee decided one day she was going to accuse Justin of abusing their son. I knew it was going to end up happening (i grew up with a dad who had a high conflict ex wife) so every single time we picked up and dropped off their son i would discretely ask him to pose for pictures either by himself or with me or his dad. Not even Justin knew I was doing this but thank the lord I did. Because Ronee Halsey crossed that line you should never cross and accused someone of actual physical child abuse. But because shes a mother in the state of MO nothing came of it. Despite the pictures I sent to her lawyer and the GAL he supposedly met with their son and he came to the conclusion that he did infact have a black eye and busted lip but he got it while wrestling his dad. DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY PICTURES OF HIM WITHIN MINUTES OF GETTING IN AND OUT OF M Y CAR FOR THAT WEEKEND SHOWED HE DIDNT HAVE A SINGLE MARK ON HIM. The saddest part is that when I recorded the conversation Justin had with Marek the next weekend he told Justin that he never saw or felt pain from them, he said his mother told him they weren't the kind he could see. I will gladly send snips from those emails to you guys. 

@chewybitart @notlemha @karygurl @sushichan24 @eagleoverlord @thementalwayfarer @angelsdoexist @saltwaterhermit @candle-jacked

[moremusic]

The talented Duo Ember Ally is this weeks guest. Their song ‘Get Me’ has been on my playlist recently.

Can you tell us a little history of yourselves?

We are an acoustic duo from Adelaide. We met in our first year of uni 2019 at the Adelaide conservatorium of music whilst studying a bachelor of popular music. We started writing songs together and realised that we speak the same musical language as each other. Our first ever gig together was performed at the Twilight markets in Hallett Cove was a complete accident. We bought the cajon that morning! It was supposed to be a solo gig for Amber, but she made a joke about Ally joining in with her new cajon. Ally had never played the cajon but was excited about this opportunity and so it became an official duo gig.

After a successful evening of improvising acoustic covers and originals, it was clear that we had to make this an actual thing. We then pondered on what to name ourselves. It was a lightbulb moment in the end: Amber’s teenage stage name was Ember Ally. Perfect.

Since then, we have played at many venues in SA with other bands, competed in Battle of the Bands, released singles and are currently in the process of creating our EP.

How did Covid change your approach to releasing music and your approach in general?

Before Covid we were going well, but it stumped us for a while afterwards. Covid really affected our gigs and being able to record with our producer. It felt overwhelming at first. We were on a roll with playing gigs every weekend for the first part of the year and then it had to slow down. We lost many, many gigs and we decided to adapt to this by learning how to record our own music. It was new territory for us, but we took the time to really focus on what we wanted in our careers and started writing new songs. Trying to find the time to record videos for our page now is difficult, but we are excited to keep this momentum up this time!

I am a big fan of your song “Get Me” can you tell me the meaning of this song?

Of course! We are so happy to hear that you like the song. To be succinct, this song is about meeting your soul mate. Whether it be a friend, partner, or family member. This song is dedicated to the connection between people who love and understand each other.

I see you recently recorded with Tristen Bird at Palomino sound recorders. How did you find this experience, and when can we expect to hear the new music?

Yes, we have! Tristen is Ally’s composition teacher at the National Academy of Music. He is a brilliant musician and we all bounce off of each other really well. We absolutely recommend paying him a visit if anyone is interested in recording anything. We aim to have the EP out mid-November, but we will keep everyone updated over on our social media accounts.

What is your career highlight?

We both have different answers. For Amber, it is the first time we were ever played on radio (WOWfm) in December 2019. “The rush of excitement and disbelief that ran through me was crazy. I called Ally on the phone and we both went crazy with joy. We booked into an interview session at the radio station right after that and knew that we were headed in the right direction.”

For Ally, it is getting recruited to study at the National Academy of Music after we played at The Battle of The Bands. It has given her direction in her career and confidence within herself.

Where is your favourite venue in Adelaide to play?

We both love the Wheatsheaf. It’s cosy, friendly, has fairy lights, and holds fond memories of our first uni performances.

Have you got an opinion on the Adelaide Music scene?

We think that the Adelaide music scene is just so supportive. We are all ‘under dogs’ and so everyone looks out for everyone. We also feel sympathy for all of the bands whose gigs keep getting cancelled or postponed- however, when the gigs do go ahead, everyone is always there supporting each other.

Who are the other Adelaide bands worth checking out?

Oo we love this question. Definitely check out Lizzie Hosking, Chloè O’Neil, Broken Waves, Velvet Void, Aries, Fourshortlines and Choosing Sides.

What are your long term and short term goals?

Our short term goals are releasing our EP, playing more live gigs and exploring more Adelaide Bands. Our Long term goal is to create a successful business that we can continue to thrive in for the rest of our lives and help others. We are both music teachers and we want to help others achieve their goals too, and we want to continue sharing our music with the world and meet more likeminded people.

Finally, where can people find out more about you?

People can find us on Instagram at: ember.ally.music and on YouTube and Facebook as Ember Ally Music. We are also on Spotify, Apple Music and all other streaming platforms as Ember Ally.

www.Instagram.com/ember.ally.music

[destinymarketingsolutions]

ReVision Co-Owners Bring it Home with 2020 Installs

Sometimes it’s good to take your work home with you! Our amazing team of co-owners works hard to help you transition to clean energy every day of the work week, but they’re not just our fellow co-workers… they’re also ReVision customers! That’s right, in 2020, 16 of our super solar-slinging champions invested in solar, heat pumps, and more for their own homes. Whether the final step in their energy efficiency renovations or the first upgrades to a new home, some of these lovely folks wanted to share notes from their clean energy journey with you. Read on to see what it’s like to be a ReVision employee AND a customer!

Noah Watson

Operations – Portland, ME

9.2 kW Solar array (28 Panels)

  It was the right time for solar because… I’ve worked in solar for twice as long as I’ve owned a home. When I bought my house it needed a lot of work, and the quickest way for me to reduce my oil consumption was to install a heat pump and heat pump water heater. I have a small electric bill, except in the cold months, so as much as I wanted to put solar on the roof, I needed to invest in some other stuff first. After redoing the roof, insulating my exterior walls, and putting up new siding, I finally pulled the trigger and put up 28 panels. I have a pretty average spot as far as sun exposure, but the bulk of my array faces the street, which is heavily trafficked on foot and by car. I’m glad all those people see it and start thinking about it, and if they catch me in the yard, I’ll even entertain a question or two.

The process was awesome and easy! Zach Nugent and Thomas Tutor helped run the numbers for me, and the rest was communicating to the purchasing and warehouse team when I was going to take my equipment. I know I would have had a willing army of installers to help me install the system, but I was worried it would be a little too square and level for my liking. I built the system over a couple weekends and got a helping hand up from Zach. He graciously let me know about all the dangling wires at the very end. Also really awesome that after last night’s typhoon, the whole thing is still there.

Most Surprising thing about working at ReVision: The biggest surprise is that an island customer can call at noon and request same-day service… and get it!

Will’s 2-year old lab mix loves to snooze under the heat pumps!

Will Field

Sales – Liberty, ME

2:1 Mitsubishi Heat Pump System

  It was the right time for heat pumps because… We bought our first home! A ~1900-built Colonial in Belfast, ME. It was a rental for about a decade before we bought it, so the only heat source was one gas monitor. We moved in mid-November and surrendered to the fact that being cold was now a part of life. Time to get some heat pumps.

Going through the process as a ReVision Customer, I felt like Kevin McCallister from Home Alone. Giddy and excited and a little out-of-place in a funny way. We love the outdoor outlet installed per code with the heat pumps – we will hang our Christmas lights with it. When they drilled a 3 inch hole in our wall, we actually got a glimpse of the insulation in the walls and it is surprisingly good for a house this old. Something we wouldn’t have ascertained otherwise.

We’re exceptionally happy at how well the equipment works in our house. Two single-zone units – one upstairs, one downstairs. We are comfortable in our home now – prior to the installation we were not. Can’t imagine life without it. The “fan” mode on the heat pump is the best thing ever.

Most surprising thing about ReVision: Seeing our crews in action – how efficient and fast they are is exceptional. It felt like having the “fun uncles” in our home. An honor to work with this team, and affirming to see how well they represent our company.

  Sara Bogue

Operations – Brentwood, NH

5.8 kW Solar Array (18 Panels) Install coming soon!

  It was the right time for solar because… I just bought the home last July and wanted to be up and running ASAP! Every day at work, you think about solar, so for six years now I’ve been thinking about this on a daily basis. I guess you call that obsessive! Plus, the house came with a 2:1 air source heat pump and Vaughn tank, so solar was a no-brainer.

  Jeffrey Perrault

Operations – Brentwood, NH

9.8 kW Solar Array (30 Panels)

3:1 Mitsubishi Heat Pump System

  It was the right time for solar and heat pumps because… My wife and I have owned our house for nine years now. It was old, outdated and in need of a lot of love. Over the years I’ve become an electrician and a jack of all trades with my house. We decided after I became a Revision Energy co-owner that it was time to kick the oil out of our lives and go solar and get some heat pumps.

In July of 2020 I was excited to buy and install my own solar array and heat pump systems. So far we have loved them both reducing our electric bill and removing oil from our bills.

I had a great experience working with all the different teams from sales to purchasing, then branch management and warehouse getting everything lined up and delivered, AKA drive a truck home and unload it all. I couldn’t be more pleased with how everything turned out.

  Bronwen, Kory, and Myley’s house built anew after the fire.

Bronwen Williamson

Operations – Liberty, ME

15 kW Solar Array (47 Panels)

  It was the right time for solar because… I worked in the electrical field for some years before joining the Revision family in March of 2018. I have always been a bit of an environmentalist and was thrilled to become a bigger part of offsetting carbon emissions and working in a company that is 100% employee owned. But until moving in with my partner Kory in 2018 I did not have a place to put my own solar array.

Left: December 2019, after a fire destroyed their previous home. Right: Kory’s son Myley hugs a solar panel!

Then in May of 2019 we had an electrical house fire that took almost everything from us. It was a devastating and traumatizing experience but with the support of my revision family and our wonderful local community we have moved onward and upward and are able to see this experience as a blessing in disguise.

To keep from having much of a house payment moving forward we are and have been working vigorously and doing most of the work ourselves. It was actually therapeutic tearing down the rubble that once was your home and making way for a new one. We have spent the last year and a half demolishing, cleaning and rebuilding with a new and improved roof design more suited for solar. By June of this year we were finally solar ready, and with the pandemic full swing I found a few fellow furloughed installers to do the roof prep and help lay panels. So, this was the year to go solar because the opportunity just happened to drop right in my lap.

I am thankful for the help of Dennis Rumba in sales, Bret Irving in purchasing team and Pam Lavallee our bullheaded operations assistant that helped me with all of the permitting. I couldn’t have done it without them. Now our electric bill will only be $13.12 for years and years and years to come.

Chris Kelly

Sales – Brentwood, NH

13.68 kW Solar Array (38 Panels)

2 1:1 Mitsubishi Heat Pump Systems

60 Gallon Heat Pump Water Heater

  It was the right time for solar, heat pumps and a heat pump water heater because… Jill & I just closed on our first home on January 31st 2020 and while it certainly wasn’t the only deciding factor, the one we were lucky enough to buy has a phenomenal back roof facing close to due south with very little shade.

With the stars aligning in our favor, it really came down to two big reasons why we went forward this year. First, we wanted to reduce our carbon footprint as much as possible, right away. Secondly, we knew that although it would be an additional outlay of money, that the sooner we invested in solar and associated technologies, the more we would save over the long-term. So we took the opportunity.

The process was super easy. The system was designed by Tom Hobbs, and Megan & Sue were super helpful in answering questions for us. The waiting was the hardest part by far!!

Most surprising thing about working at ReVision: The complexity of system design for all these quirky, and unique homes around NH. You never know what you’re going to find at the next site visit.

Click here to watch the time-lapse video of Chris and Jill’s solar install!

Source: https://www.revisionenergy.com/blogs/revision-co-owners-bring-it-home-with-2020-installs/

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[stephhannes]

booked and busy

sometimes when i think about dating again i’m like “how am i supposed to do this when i’m not young and hot anymore?” and then i have to remind myself that i’m 25, not dead. it’s hard to not feel behind though when everyone i went to high school with is already on their second marriage. 

speaking of marriage, all of my friends got married last summer. i get that pandemic weddings suck for the people getting married- but they were great for me, because i didn’t even have the option of having to be like “haha hey sorry i can’t come i’m still grieving the loss of my wedding xoxo send me ur registry.” for future reference, i am still emotionally unavailable to attend any weddings. i don’t even really drink anymore so don’t even think about trying to lure me in with an open bar- hit me up for your second weddings, i might be ready by then. 

let’s address the elephant in the room: i’ve been lonely lately. i’ve finally gotten to a point where i’m not constantly in survival mode, the last couple of years have been tough- between the whole being so sad i thought i was simply going to pass away thing and being so poor that i thought i was going to pass away thing. but i’m finally at a place where i have a little bit of time to think of other things than “oh my god am i going to be able to pay rent this month?” and the thing i’ve been thinking about is how much it sucks to come home to…just myself. 

in november, i officially moved back to austin after my departure due to the pandemic. when i initially returned, i wasn’t sure how long i’d be back in austin for. my lease at my apartment ended in july, and i ended up basically housesitting for a friend. and as the paramount kept having events, i kept extending my time housesitting. and eventually i wound up with a second job. 

a coworker asked if i was available for a couple-day gig and i was like “yes, i love money” and that gig has extended until now. it’s not technically permanent, but maybe if i bat my eyelashes enough i can keep working. i’ve now somehow weaseled my way into the TV industry which is hilarious because one of my favorite pastimes in college was getting involved with film bro dudes and absolutely horrifying them with how little knowledge i have of tv/film. 

with the second job, i knew that i needed to find a place to live. i also knew that i still didn’t make enough money to actually be able to rent anything in this hell city without a guarantor, and as a woman that has no financially stable adults, my options were slim. and somehow- i got lucky. the friend i was housesitting for ended up actually moving out, and i just slid right in. and now look at me! the proud renter of a house! i have a backyard! i pay way too much money in rent! i love it! 

i love my house. she’s uhhhh, quirky- but she’s a place to live. in november, i began the arduous process of moving all my shit from abilene back to austin, a shuffle i’ve made too many times at this point. it took three trips, but i eventually moved my wares- a desk, a nightstand, a handful of kitchen items, my clothes. for awhile, it was pretty empty in here. but it’s finally starting to fill in. i spent my first couple of weeks building flatpack ikea furniture, and eventually started scouring the salvation armies near me. my biggest dilemma was trying to find a couch.

how do people with no friends, no truck, and no money get a couch to their home? i’d find a cheap one on facebook marketplace, but would need someone to pick it up for me. i looked through wayfair, but the idea of waiting for a couch that may or may not arrive in 5-10 weeks and need two people to assemble was too much. and eventually, my neighbor was like “hey do you want my old couch? i just got a new one” and i was like “uh yes, absolutely.” shortly after that, i found a chair at salvation army for $25. and hark! there it was, finally i had a place to sit down. as they say, every desk is a standing desk when you don’t have anything to sit on. 

when it came to furnishing my place, i was willing to wait for the right pieces. when i moved in, i thought a lot about the place i had in philly with nathan. if i’m being honest, i hated it. all of our furniture was black, from walmart. it looked ugly, it was uninspired, but it was functional. and sure, at that point, that’s all that mattered. we only lived there for a month, so obviously there wasn’t time to actually move in and personalize it. but still, i didn’t want to have that experience with my place. in all honesty, it’s always felt like home. even when the only thing i had was a mattress on the floor of my bedroom and a bar cart. but now that it’s starting to fill in, it’s been really great. 

when jose first came to visit, he immediately was like “this place has good vibes,” and i have to agree. when i first moved out on my own after nathan died, i moved back into an apartment that i had already lived in during the before times. it haunted me. even though i had filled it with completely new furniture, in a completely different arrangement, the walls still knew too much. 

sometimes it’s lonely living by myself. i’ve always had a roommate and this is my first time where i’m just coming home to me. i miss living with nathan. it was all the perks of living alone (not having to wear pants in shared spaces, being able to be awake at stupid hours of the night) with the addition of the warmth of being able to come home to a partner. to be able to say “hey, i’m at 125th right now, i’ll be home soon,” and have someone excited for my arrival. to not have to stress about doing all the chores because someone else was there to lighten the load. to have someone to reel me in when i start spiraling before bed. 

i had to have a weird conversation with myself when it came to hanging up pictures on my wall. i have pictures with all of my favorite people, which obviously includes pictures of nathan and i had to take a moment to ask myself “does seeing his face every day still make me happy?” when i try to make myself sad, i’ll go through all the pictures of him on my phone. and for a period of time, catching the glimpses of us hanging on my wall would put me in a weird mood. i ended up leaving the pictures up. i hate thinking about the day i’ll eventually take them down. 

becoming a home-renter has taken a village. from my friend advocating for me to make sure i got the lease, to jose and dan coming here on the weekends to do all the stuff i just don’t have time for (yard work, knocking down wasp nests, cleaning my blinds), to everyone that’s given me furniture or other home goods. and most recently, my friends that let me live with them during the snowstorm because my home became uninhabitable because one of her quirks is that she’s impossible to keep warm! 

i’ve felt so supported by my friends lately, which has been dope- but there’s still a lingering emptiness. starting next week, i’m going to attempt to fill that emptiness with 50mg of zoloft (yes, ya girl finally got an anti-depressant prescription), but realistically, i know that i’m missing having a partner.

something i’ve noticed a lot on The Apps is that dudes will put “no kids, never married” in their bio, and while i do appreciate the child disclaimer- the whole ‘never married’ disclaimer sends me on a spiral. because like, yeah i’ve never technically been married, but i feel like that’s an even worse way to try to explain my past than just being like “yes i’m 25 yes i’m a widow yes we exist,” and it’s like- why are you seeing that and addressing it like it’s a red flag? shouldn’t be a good sign that there’s been at least one person who liked me enough to want to marry me? i still haven’t worked out the best way to navigate the whole “haha yeah i’m a widow” conversation, as you can imagine, it’s A Lot to ingest. 

(also, a quick side tangent- over the last few months, my blog has gotten a lot more hits, like literally thousands more than usual, and as a result of that, i’ve been getting a lot of pushback because of the way that i refer to myself as a widow even though i wasn’t married. i’ve never had to make this disclaimer to anyone that knows me in real life, because they get it. but i wanted to make a quick disclaimer to anyone that’s ever thought “lol this poor grieving woman isn’t a widow!!! i must tell her in a very rude way!!!” literally the only reason i wasn’t legally married was because nathan died before we could get married. in every other aspect, we were married. we had joint finances, we were on a lease together, but more importantly, every decision we made was with the other person in mind and with the intent of bettering each others’ lives- we were very much A Unit. being legally married doesn’t legitimize a relationship in any sort of significant way, other than….legally. the whole point of marriage is to promise to take care of someone until they (or you) die, and that’s exactly what i did. and by that merit, yeah, i do refer to myself as a widow. if you want to be technical about it, legally, no i’m not a widow…but like….get over it….are you really going to argue semantics with someone that lost their partner?)

ok so back to the hell that is Being On Dating Apps. i’ve done my time, i’ve put in my work, and when nathan and i got together i was so excited that i didn’t have to date ever again because honestly, i hate it. and now look at me, back in business. 

it’s exhausting being this unimpressed by men. my arms are tired from having to carry every conversation. 

i’ve talked about the first date i went on after nathan died, but the second one is truly a train wreck that needs to be witnessed. 

picture this: i’m on bumble, and i start talking to this dude that’s like….pretty decent. we’re having a good enough conversation, and eventually he’s like “hey! let’s get lunch this week” and like an unsuspecting fool, i said yes. so we go to lunch, and once again, things are surprisingly normal. until eventually, he looks me in the eyes and says with his whole heart- “hey, i’ve gotta be honest with you. i’m actually a magician, i recognized you on bumble from in & of itself and i really just wanted to pick your brain and ask some questions about the show,” and i immediately was like “oh yeah for sure, let me run to the bathroom real quick and then we can discuss magic” and then i literally made myself disappear. i just left. poof. no trace of me to be found again.

i’ve always said that i hate magic because if i wanted to get lied to i would just do it for free by talking to a man- and boy, have i always been right. 

anyway, now i live in fear of being bamboozled by a magician again. 

one time i let my friend swipe through my apps for me, and she was like “you sure do match with a lot of people named nathan,” and i was like “yeah, i think it’s the trauma.” i went through a phase where i’d swipe right on anyone with any sort of commonality with nathan….like literally anything. i’d see someone that graduated from columbia and i’d be like “ok that works” or like…..i’d see a picture of someone playing a trumpet and i’d just swipe right. 

i’ve tried to break myself of that habit because like, that’s not fair to the other person but sometimes i recognize those little patterns and it’s just a little reminder of how i’m still broken. 

when i’ve mentioned being back on apps, sometimes people are like “omg how did you move on? i couldn’t imagine dating someone else” and first of all- bold of you to assume i’ve moved on, also bold of you to assume that it’s not totally terrifying to me. being back on apps isn’t the same thing as being in a relationship with someone else. just because i’ve been casually talking to people doesn’t necessarily mean anything substantial. it’s progress, but the thought of having to be genuinely vulnerable around someone else is hard to wrap my head around, especially now with all this additional baggage. 

there have been times in my life where i’ve struggled with feelings of being unloveable. when i was in college, i was convinced that i would die alone. and a lot of the work that happened within my relationship with nathan revolved around getting me to a place where i was able to be like “i am a person deserving of love.” 

i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that there are also countless other people in this world deserving of love, and i have plenty of it to offer. do i wish i was offering to nathan? absolutely, all the time. i know that my relationship with nathan is incomparable, but that doesn’t mean that i can’t go on to have fulfilling relationships with other men. right before nathan and i got together, in the time when we thought we were about to go our separate ways- we had this conversation where i was like “lol you’ll be fine, you’re about to move to new york and you’ll find someone better than me and forget that i exist” and his response to that was “shut the fuck up, do you actually believe that? i have what i have with you- even if i wanted to, i couldn’t just replicate that with someone else.” and i think about that a lot now- in the sense of i had i had with nathan, and nothing will touch that, or replace that, or compare to that- and that’s totally okay. that doesn’t take away from or negate the importance of theoretical future relationships. 

i can’t say that i’m actively looking for a partner right now, but if the opportunity presents itself, i’m not opposed to the concept of dating someone. like i tweeted the other day, “i can’t believe that one day i’m going to have to be a mother figure to a straight man, yet again.”

ok cool, so that’s enough vulnerability for today- i’m gonna save the rest for my therapist xoxo

+++

the fun thing about having jobs (plural) is that instead of feeling emotions i just feel stressed. i can’t believe that i’ve finally become one of those people that has to be constantly doing something but here i am, working from 9-5 and then coming home to do chores and then scrolling through my phone while watching netflix because god forbid i allow my brain to have one single moment where i’m alone with my thoughts. some days i work from 9am to midnight and those are the days where i really don’t have any time to be alone with my thoughts. thank god! 

i have been taking time to try to do more creative pursuits. i’ve been writing more- recreationally. my resolution this year was to become the most insufferable woman in the world, so i am currently working on both a screenplay and a stand-up routine. i’ve also been doing some freelance editing and social media consulting. which like…..how millennial of me to do. 

circling back to the “having thousands more readers” on my blog thing i mentioned earlier, i checked my stats the other day and i’ve somehow gotten 10k page views in the last few months. i’ve been getting a lot of DMs on instagram/emails/etc from people that are like “oh my god i feel so much less alone now” which is insane. 

after nathan died, i purposefully stayed away from all grief content- i didn’t want any influence on what i was feeling- especially when i started writing how i was feeling. i wanted to be able to look back on it and know that the feelings i was writing about were uniquely mine. and then slowly, i started introducing works about grief into my reading lists and i also remember having those moments of “oh!! other people feel this way!!” but, if i’m being honest, a lot of grief writing makes me cringe. i hate platitudes, i hate cliches, i hate when people try to give me unsolicited advice and i hate published collections of advice even more. 

nonetheless, i keep getting asked the same question- “does it ever get easier?”

so here’s what i’ll say about that, it does. 

there was a period of time in my life where i’d be awake at 4am frantically googling “can you die from a broken heart?” (spoiler alert, apparently you can). i didn’t leave my house for 9 months. i literally could not be social without having to step away to cry. it was impossible to function. everything felt so incredibly empty (and i definitely still have days where things feel meaningless), i was literally a whisper of who i used to be. and then gradually, it got easier. my chest was a little less tight, the weight on my shoulders was a little lighter, and now i probably feel the closest to “myself” i’ve ever felt. 

everyone told me that the second year is the hardest, but there was a chunk of time where i didn’t even think i would make it to the second year. and then i did. and the second year has been weird (love grieving and also getting tossed into a pandemic) but it’s been better. i’ve been joking about it a lot more. which i’ve noticed a lot of people being very confused by- but to paint you a picture, one time pretty shortly after nathan died one of my friends texted me and was like “hey…..you haven’t made any jokes and i’m pretty concerned. you must really be doing terribly if you’re not joking about it” and they were right! i was doing terribly! 

but i’ll leave you with this- perhaps the most egregious platitude of them all- it gets better.

but first, it’s going to be really awful.

[earthconstructs]

Blog

I started a blog in July 2017, paid for a domain, did it up using Squarespace, made it super pretty. In 2017 I started focusing on improving my writing, and in my goal for 2018 was to become a better writer. 

In November 2018, I finished working at the Water Corporation after I had documented the “Kep Project”. My manager was acting in another manager’s role, and so an acting manager ended up signing off on my final report. I put a lot of effort into that report, I spent many evenings alone in the office trying to figure out if it was laid out well, clear to people who may be coming across the topic for the first time. I wonder if anyone will actually read it, or has, in the last two years.

The acting manager who was reviewing my report was known to be a stickler for detail, call out bad quality work, and be quite picky. She read my report, signed it off, and gave me feedback that it was written really well. And that was it for me - I had achieved my goal of being a being a better writer / writing better reports.

It’s funny how I needed the paid domain and blog back when I was working full time, and had a lot going on in my life, to motivate me to write. if I didn’t, then it would be like I was wasting the money I’d spent on it. 

But now it’s a huge expense. So I’m closing the blog, and keeping this free brain dump version of a blog. Where I just brain dump, without being strict on myself, and reading every post over and over and over again for fear of being judged by my friends - the only people who read it anyway. 

Finishing here with a copy-paste-dump of the 4 blog posts I wrote from July 2017 to April 2018. 

30 July 2017 - I am an engineer

I am an engineer trying to figure out my place in helping to make the world a better place for everyone to live in. I became a mechanical engineer because I liked understanding how stuff works. But recently, I've realised that a big part of the stuff I am interested in is how people and the world work to create this life that I am living. I am always learning, so this blog is my attempt to capture some of it, so that I can refer back to it later, and to hopefully share something new with you as well.

 30 July 2017 - My first visit to Kalgoorlie as a guest speaker

WASM Wall by Jason Dimer

OK, I’ll admit it, when I saw a request come through EWB* channels for a female engineer to present at the GEMIA* Girls and Guys Exploring Mining Forum, in Kalgoorlie, I jumped at the opportunity!

There were a couple of reasons why:

As a female engineer and EWB volunteer, I am passionate about inspiring students, especially female students, to pursue careers in STEM* fields as I believe these fields nurture the critical thinking so needed in our current world, and that increasing the number of females with careers STEM fields is one of our quickest paths towards gender equality

I had heard a lot about Kalgoorlie, but had never been there myself. I believe that the best way to learn about a place is by visiting, experiencing, immersing and talking to the locals (spoiler alert, I spent a lot of time doing this in my one and a half days there)

Everything we do at Engineers Without Borders links to one of the Aims from our 2020 Strategy. Speaking at events such as this Mining Forum for Year 9-11 high school students in Kalgoorlie fits into our aim to redefine engineering, specifically: “We will redefine engineering as a community centred profession that provides leadership in the creation of a more sustainable and inclusive world”.

And that is what I had at the front of my mind as I was putting together a presentation covering my career in engineering to date, my work as an Engineers Without Borders volunteer, and the concept of humanitarian engineering - with the aim to engage and inspire teenagers!

I wanted to share some examples of humanitarian engineering with the students, and luckily Sheena Ong, our ex EWB WA President and creator of the documentary “The Humanitarian Engineer", allowed me to include video clips of snippets from the documentary. I chose three examples that I thought conveyed the message of humanitarian engineering and appropriate technology concisely:

Rob Hughes, EWB field engineer, on developing biodigesters in Tonle Sap, Cambodia

The installation of Playpumps in Africa

Darren Lomman, Dreamfit founder discussing examples of equipment design or modification to make them accessible for people with disabilities

For each of the above examples that I showed the school group, I asked them three questions:

Did it address disadvantage?

Did it use science or technology?

Did it consider the community or persons’s needs in the design process?

After running through the second definition of humanitarian engineering covered in the documentary - humanitarian engineering is engineering that puts human well-being at the centre - I asked the students if I was a humanitarian engineer.

The questions I asked were answered by the students with a combination of murmurs of yes, and cocked heads. When I queried the teachers about this later, they said it was because this was not a topic that they had heard of before. I hope that I helped them to think about what engineering is, and that it can be related to more than the gold mining happening just up the road from Kalgoorlie town centre.

I like to think that I succeeded; later in the day one of the students asked me:

If I could be any kind of engineer, what would it be?

EWB = Engineers Without Borders GEMIA = Goldfield Education Mining Industry Alliance TEM = Science, technology, engineering and maths

Lemon Scented Gum at the Mt Charlotte walk trail and waterwise garden

Mulla mulla overlooking the superpit

Amok Island - 58 Egan St Kalgoorlie

21 August 2017 - Diversity and Inclusion

I had a really good weekend. I had back to back appointments and catch ups from Friday to Sunday night, and like the good extrovert that I am, it left it me feeling happy, stimulated and productive.

Which brings me to Monday night. I’m writing this during my first free moment, after my first day back at work since getting home from two weeks leave (while half watching the latest episode of Rick and Morty with my domestic partner). Anyway, I'm here to write about the Engineers Without Borders Humanitarian Day Gala, which I attended last Friday night.

On this night we heard from three speakers - Pete Baynard-Smith (Engineers Without Borders CEO), Suzanne Brown (Water Corporation Drainage and Liveable Communities Manager), and Fadzi Whande, social justice advocate and inclusion and diversity adviser.

And while I loved hearing about Pete and Suzanne's experience and work, I'll admit that I learnt the most from Fadzi, from a diversity perspective. I do not know many (any?) women from Africa, or much about diversity and inclusion in the workplace, other than it is important.

There are two points that Fadzi shared which have stuck with me. The first is the analogy she used about diversity and inclusion:

Diversity is being invited to a party, inclusion is being invited to dance.

The second is - The are six steps towards diversity and inclusion in our life and in the workplace are:

1.      You

2.     You

3.     You

4.     You

5.     You

6.     You

What a great way to emphasise that, as with pretty much everything in life, the most important thing I can do is to focus on myself, and what I myself can do or change.

By saying this, I understand that Fadzi means that to work towards diversity and inclusion, we need to start by changing our own circle, recognise that we are mainly surrounded by people that we are used to, and that a way to change this is by changing our own circle, and getting out of our comfort zone.

Hearing this motivates me, as I partly feel that I am on track because I already do this - by going to events I haven't been to before, where there is an opportunity to learn something new or that are attended by people outside my usual circle.

However, I appreciate my circle a lot. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many smart and admirable friends.

People who:

value logic and data*

are open minded

who have  taught and helped  me see so much of what I understand today

who recognise that we can't assume that we know someone's whole story

(and people who can explain to me what unconscious bias is because they are studying a Masters of Psychology - hopefully you'll get a guest post from that friend soon!)

Thank you Fadzi, Pete and Suzanne for sharing your words and experiences at EWB WA’s Humanitarian Day Gala, and to the special, like-minded people who I got to spend time with on Friday night. You all keep me inspired.

*On Data - I need to figure out my thoughts around data, perception, and community development. On one hand I believe, as Fadzi said on the night - data doesn't lie - and on the other hand, I believe in human centred design - that a community knows what they need, and what the statistics show may not always be what the community needs. I want to figure out which thought applies in what contexts If you have any ideas or information about this, please let me know!!!

9 September 2017 - Chasing Coral

Well, you know they've done a good job with a film when they can make you cry about coral.

CORAL BLEACHING FEBRUARY 2016 AT HERON ISLAND, PHOTO COURTESY THE OCEAN AGENCY / XL CATLIN SEAVIEW SURVEY

But films like this leave me feeling like I'm not doing enough about the ocean's temperature rise. That being vegan isn't enough; I'm still driving an internal combustion car, I don't have solar panels, I'm not putting enough pressure on our Australian government, and not having enough conversations about this with my peers.

I haven't been keeping up with the news much since I got back from a 2 week holiday to WA's North West. Today on triple j's 3pm news, I heard that the Nationals are having a federal conference where NSW and Queensland will present motions to phase out renewable energy subsidies and support the development of the coal industry.

They will also move to resist the determination of environmental groups "to disrupt and impede the progress of this important industry".

I'm just in disbelief. How can they not understand that this is going backwards? How can they not care about the damage that has already been done?

Maybe I need to find myself an opinion piece written by a member of The National party, so that I can try to understand where they are coming from.

Coal is the most polluting way to produce electricity. There are other options. We need to implement them. It seems so simple, what am I missing?

I'm going to The Great Barrier Reef in November. I hope that I won't be too saddened by what I see, and that I get to have some conversations with locals. As I've mentioned in a previous post - learning by immersion.

I'll end this depressing post with an infographic made by the Chasing Coral team, and the fact that I need to stock up a reef-friendly, oxybenzone-free sunscreen, now that summer is one season closer!

2 October 2017 - Experts (I am not one)

I’m writing this as I am watching the sun go over a hill in the distance at Roelands Village, just outside of Bunbury. The hill is known to Les, the director of Woolkabunning Kiakaand his ex-Roelands mission peers as “Bunbury Hill”. It might also be the hill where he pointed out their traditional-spear-watchmen-shaped tree out to us earlier today. Anyway, it’s f*cking blissful as you can see in the photo below, which does it no justice.

I’m here at the ex-Roelands mission for the annual Engineers Without Borders strategy retreat. This year I agreed/volunteered to feed all 20 attendees over the two day weekend. I wasn’t really looking forward to it – but saw it as an opportunity to challenge myself! As well as cooking in the kitchen, I got to take part in the sessions put on by the president, vice president and some other long time volunteers. In one of the sessions, we defined inspiration, which is actually really hard to do!

I was talking to a good friend of mine in the car as we were driving down. I think it was actually the same trip 3 years ago where we first began our deeper conversations about feminism, people, psychology and ethics. This year marks our 10 years of friendship, which for some reason I find a pretty crazy fact (the 10 years part, not the friendship itself). One of the many topics we covered in the two hour drive was - blogging about topics which we are not an expert in. I concluded that for me, this blog is my way of collating and sharing topics and solutions that I come across and am learning about, but is not me speaking as an expert. I hope that by my sharing information and resources, I am supporting the good work that is being carried out by others. There is so much happening around the world; something in place to address nearly every single issue that exists. I just want to keep track of, and share them all! I also hope that this becomes a way for me to hear about interesting work that I might not already know about.

So, you know how I mentioned that I wanted to find a marine friendly sunscreen, after watching Chasing Coral and realising that corals are actually very delicate creatures, and that chemicals in sunscreen are harming them? Well, I did a bit of research and found a couple of brands. One of them is Stream2sea, but as they are an American company, I was on the hunt for something a bit more local. It wasn’t too hard to find – Surf Lifesaving Australia sell a sunscreen where proceeds from sales supports surf lifesaving training and development programs around Australia. They even listed that this sunscreen was in a recyclable aluminium can instead of plastic and I thought, “Even better, it's plastic free - at least when aluminium gets recycled it doesn’t become a lower grade product like in the case of plastic.”

But then when it arrived, in a standard post plastic bag, it was further packaged like this.

How ironic, an item marketed as being marine friendly, wrapped in an item that is widely known as causing enormous damage to the environment, especially marine environments.

When I complained about this in the Zero Waste + Plastic Free Living Perth, WA group on Facebook, Darren Lomman told me that almost all items in the health and beauty aisle in supermarkets comes transported like this. Why? I don’t know enough about wholesaling and packaging to be able to answer that. But it just looks like such as juxtaposition to me:

Marine friendly                                                                                  

                                                                                                                            Plastic

So now that I am done complaining, I need to write a letter Surf Livesaving Sunscreen, to ask them about the irony of this situation. I’m unsure if this will change anything, but at least I will have tried. I suppose the other approach is to accept that it needs to be packed like that for a reason (which I hope I find out when they reply), or do something about the packaging that has already been used and is here to stay in our environment now.

Enter Greenbatch. (Remember how I spoke about interesting projects above?)

Greenbatch is Western Australia’s first PET plastic reprocessing facility. It is founded by a guy called Darren Lomman, who studied Mechanical Engineering at the University of Western Australia (like me!). Darren recently handed over the reigns of Dreamfit, an organisation he founded that designs equipment for people with disabilities). He is now using his engineering and entrepreneurial background to establish a plastic processing facility, with the aim of reprocessing 100 million bottles by 2025, preventing them going into landfills, oceans and waste incinerators. Plastic processed through Greenbatch will be turned into 3D printing filament for schools to build and create with.

You can support this amazing social enterprise by:

-          Telling your friends about Greenbatch

-          Giving them a donation

-          Getting your local school involved

They are also holding a free community event at Perth City Farm on Wednesday 18 October. This event will give us the opportunity to learn from experts in the fields of sustainability, education, marine conservation and plastics recycling.

The experts will share what WA is doing about waste and recycling and ways that it can be improved, and talk about initiatives currently underway solving waste problems and how you can get on board and be a part of this sustainable change.

For more info, or to register your spot at this event click here.

I hope to see you there, and if you can’t make it, stay tuned for a summary of the event here on my blog :)

13 April 2019 - Work, Life and Balance

Well, it's been 6 months since my last post. I can remember the last 6 months so clearly, though it feels like they passed in a blur. I have felt so much anticipation in the lead up to big events that I had been excited about for months or years; 18 months of anticipation before getting married, 7 months of awaiting Kep's arrival in Perth, and two and a half years of looking forward to moving to Europe.

Kep's arrival... I'll give some background before I continue.

Kep is Water Corporation's leak detection dog. She's the world's first dog to be trained solely to detect underground water leaks, using only the scent of treated water alone, as a cost effective way of leak detection in areas where it is difficult and costly to perform leak detection via the usual methods.

In August last year, after I lead a successful trial with two experienced detection dogs, I learnt that I would be the project manager of a project to acquire Water Corporation's first leak detection dog. I worked together with the dog trainer, Steve Austin, to select a working English Springer Spaniel puppy, who we named Kep*. She began training with Steve in Sydney, and her delivery date to Western Australia depended on her physical and mental maturity. On her arrival in Perth, I would also complete training to become her primary handler.

From August to November, as well as working on water source planning projects as part of my substantive role, I spent a lot of time detailing options for the implementation of a detection dog into Water Corporation's business, including all required logistics  for the transport and care of the working dog.

After getting married in Perth and honeymooning to the Great Barrier Reef at the end of November, December passed in the usual holiday-period way - fast. In January, I spent every spare moment during the weekends doing the things I love - camping, hiking, scuba diving, going to the beach, seeing friends, teaching piano and learning new things (surfing!!!). February was spent preparing for Kep's arrival, and I also fit in a trip to Melbourne where I presented at the Australian Water Association Young Professionals conference, and caught up with dear friends (some human, some furry).

And then, it was the end of February and the end of summer! I spent 3 weeks being a new dog mum and handler, before I handed Kep over to her other handler so that I could fly off for a 4 week trip to Europe,, where I have been since the end of March.

I had never been so excited for a holiday before; usually I would feel excited about going to explore new places and eating new food. This time, I just needed a break badly.

For the first time in my working life, I had felt...stressed.

In the lead up to, and in the 3 weeks after Kep's arrival, I had been featured in workplace internal communications, been on TV multiple times, and presented at an Engineers Australia Young Innovative engineers presentation.

I felt like everyone within Water Corporation, and a lot of members of the public, knew about my project, and I was very aware of the two most common attitudes of people when they heard about my project:

- You have the best job ever, how did you get it?!

- Will it really work, is it really that effective?

Both attitudes make me feel slightly guilty about how much I love my job at the moment, and how good I have it, in different ways.

It wasn't until both the dog trainer's program manager and my CEO's personal assistant had asked me - "How are you going with all the pressure?" - that I realised that it was normal to be feeling how I was. Once they asked, it made sense - I was experiencing what I was because my project was in the public eye.

Through my experiences in the last few months, I've learnt a lot more about myself and become better at dealing with pressure. By this I mean I am better at controlling how I feel internally, as apparently it doesn't show on the outside. What I also now know, is how it feels to be excited and invested in my work every day. The last 6 months have made me realise how much I enjoy working on new, exciting, and never-been-done-before projects.

The answer I gave to a student's question in Kalgoorlie has also stuck with me. I still think about working on plastic reprocessing, and ocean clean ups. And my next career goal is to have a bigger impact on issues that I care about. As my time away from Australia is wrapping up, for now, I'm starting to think about how I want to spend my time when I am back in Perth. As well as the busy project schedule awaiting me for the implementation of Water Corporation's leak detection dog into the business, there are still many issues that I want to delve into and learn about in more detail. And I'd like to get better at balancing work, exercise, diet and reading/learning.

For me, this post reflects on and captures a certain point in my life - the feeling of wired-excitedness for what will come next in my life and career.

*Kep

Kep was named after the Noongar word for water, which was selected in consultation with Noongar elders and the Water Corporation's Aboriginal Affairs team, and was the winning name in a Facebook poll with the Western Australian community where 7 000 people voted.

You can view more about Kep here:

Kep's Water Corporation page

Kep on Channel 9 News

Kep on GWN News

[msvulnerable-mystory]

amicable...

Mazz,

I’m needing to get thoughts and feelings out into a letter, so I remember the details of this experience and stand in my decision. Own it. It’s critical for acceptance and the grief process that I make sense of what has transpired between us over this last 9 months and how we reached separation.

Such a movie like love story that people would pay for a ticket to watch, like the Notebook and A Star is Born (the irony is we watched this movie together) you in Pittsburgh, me in Mass. I’m the one, between the two of us who values romance, love, a relationship and soulmate experience. You are the career driven person. You will give up and sacrifice a soulmate partnership for your work partnership.That’s just one reason we won’t continue this journey.

Our last conversation is imprinted on my soul, embedded onto the walls of my heart. I write these words and this memory, so that when time has passed and I’ve moved on, I will still remember with detail, the insults and wounds. This phone conversation the day of my Grandmother’s death, actually a couple of hours after,  is another reason we won’t continue this journey. 

My Grandmother had passed away in Hospice that same day as this conversation. The day before, I’d been texting to you all day long infattically about moving to Pittsburgh. I was trying to avoid a separation. You’d had made it clear you were choosing your career. I couldn’t take this long distance relationship, any longer. I’d stated that I didn’t’ want any of your friends or family to give advice about us and me relocating, when they didn’t know me personally or my commitment to you or my internal strength and independent spirit. You were choosing your career and I was choosing us. I don’t want to lose you, to give up us, our friendship and bond. I asked you to understand that it would take some time to get settled and get a job, but that I would make it happen, once I was there in person. I was making jokes about laying in bed naked with heels on waiting for you to get home. I was elated and going on about cooking together and being at the house when you return from trips. I was going on in text about waking up on Saturday and Sunday mornings wrapped around each other. I was going into detail about US being in EACH OTHERS LIVES EVERYDAY!!

You were getting in the car to Harrisburg for work. Your replies didn’t seem to envoke the elation that I was needing to hear and feel. I was committing to moving to Pittsburgh, your town. I got an LOL for the naked in heels text, I got mostly messages about being responsible and having a plan. You did say that you understood needing to be settled there in person to run an interview and job campaign, in a city I’ve never lived in. I was at work, had gotten my rental car at this point and was getting messages about my Grandmother’s rapidly declining health in the hospital. I texted you that I was leaving work early and headed to see my Grandmother in Auburn, Maine, two hours North. You were in the car with your business partner, how ironic that you were in the car with Joe, technically the person your choosing to continue on this life path with, as your career partner.

From day one, Monday September 24th, 2018 when we met in Portsmouth, I met you on a work trip, so in my mind how can I fairly question or doubt a career that put us in each other’s lives? It felt like we were in a love story, making a movie about why it’s worth it to wait for your soulmate! That’s how I initially felt.

Then, as time passed and you learned information about your business partners and you felt like you were working harder than your partners and you continuously traveled, week after week, it was literally impossible to establish consistency with your traveling for work, me working weekends and us living in different places. We’d go a month literally without seeing each other and it wasn’t even discussed as if it was a lengthy amount of time. It didn’t seem to phase you. You seemed accustomed to the distance and time apart. A part of me believes you didn’t mind being long distance. You were so busy traveling and weren’t really ever home, so when you were, it seemed like one big reunion all the time eith friends and family.

Couple of variables that got us through beginning of relationship long distance were it being holiday time and both of us newly dating November and December flew by. Then in January, I went to San Diego and Palm Springs, joining an already planned trip. After returning from the trip, with me training with Toll and having our grand opening in January. Also, the Patriots won the Superbowl and I wanted to watch it with family and not have a Steel fan in my presence with your spiteful low key football fan digs. So, I excused not seeing you in January because I had played a part in us physically missing each other. On your birthday you came here to MA to have dinner together, then you flew home Saturday. At the end of January, we’d made a pact to try and see each other every two weeks.

In February, we managed to see each other twice that month, as I flew to Pittsburgh for valentines day and you secured a job assignment in Conneticut at the end of February, so once you wrapped up the job, you traveled here to me in Mass and we spent a couple of days together. This was when I had car problems and got my quote back for repairs at $9,000 for my Q5, god damn that car! But, you brainstormed with me about filing bankruptsy. We worked on a budget. I opened up to you about my finances in February, you witnessed my car die on me and I was forward and transparent and explained that my credit wasn’t strong and I live paycheck to paycheck.

I can’t really remember March, I think I visited Pittsburgh twice.

In April, we met in Boca Raton, Florida for two days. You were working and I was visiting you on my weekend! Then for Easter, I flew to spend time with you in Pittsburch, I went over your Mom’s house with you for Easter dinner. That’s when you finally told me that your Mom lives across the street from you, LITERALLY. So, I’m astonished because I’ve been so open and willing to be vulnerable with you and you were secretive about being neighbors with your Mother, it felt odd finding out after such a long period of dating. In April, I tested. Right after Easter, you weren’t there, but you supported me by paying for my hotel to be with my family for two nights. You supported me from afar. You said that was the only way you could support me.

In May, we didn’t see each other until my results. Now, as it’s coming on a full week since my Grandmother passing, I reflect and feel misunderstood and unheard.  Invalidated. Apparently, your able to support from afar. You can buy my plane tickets to visit, you can get me hotel rooms to allow my family to spend time together, you can help me file bankruptcy, you can help me through getting my genetic testing and results, but, when it comes to being your everyday person, next to you in real life, I’m not good enough or worth it. Apparently, there are life prerequisites that I don’t meet.

You have the audacity to start lecturing me about being financially secure first. You actually utter the words that I need to save money and have a job before I move and you don’t trust me enough to move to Pittsburgh and secure a job then. You watched me get a job with Toll, right when we met. You’ve witnessed that I am a desirable employee from my interviewing process, but you don’t trust that I will follow through if I moved to Pittsburgh. It’s either Mazz’s way or no way, literally! There’s no compromise. You are closed off to the idea of giving me a month or 6 weeks to settle in and get established. You tell me that I am irrisponsable and that you need a partner that is financially stable and secure. Why didn’t you tell me this in March when you helped support me and may for my bankruptsy case? It feels to me as though I’m word the effort from afar, but not to be your life partner, in the real everyday world. I feel mislead, confused and undermined. From the first day we met, you said in a very open fashion you were open to moving and that your job and career were flexible. You told me you would be here to support me and do whatever I needed that you were capable of. But, when I say the same, when I say I choose us. I will make the commitment and sacrifice and move. All of the sudden, conveniently, your reasons are brought to the surface of our conversation. Now, bankruptsy is a reason to not be with me as a partner. I was transparent and it seemed as though you still were invested and wanting to move forward.

Now 9 months later, when shit in life is getting real, you aren’t brave enough to take a chance and say yes to love. I will not carry bittnerness in my heart. I have no room. My life is short. I will not harbor animosity. You’ve helped support me as a friend. You’ve exemplified true and unconditional friendship. I honor you and will respect you, in this moment and in the future. and communicate in a friendly tone. I need time to accept reality, the loss of a dream of our future together and to grieve. With some time and processing, my heart will start to heal and to accept that we will never be life partners. The dream of our future has escaped us before it even flourished. We never got to realize our potential. I will carry love in my heart. No room for bitterness, resentment or hatred. We will not walk this journey together through life.

[celldeal57-blog]

How Michael Rubin, Meek Mill’s Billionaire Bestie, Got Woke

City

The Lafayette Hill native’s path from e-commerce titan to Sixers co-owner to social justice crusader.

Photograph by Chris Crisman

“Did you see what’s on his phone? That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen.”

Michael Rubin is wrestling with Joel Embiid in a losing attempt to steal the Sixers center’s iPhone and embarrass him about a particular snapshot Embiid is using as his home-screen pic. Or, to take a broader view, a billionaire businessman and a millionaire NBA All-Star are goofing around like 13-year-olds. We’re in a five-seat AW139 Agusta helicopter that picked us up at Rubin’s office in Conshohocken for a trip to Foxborough, Massachusetts, where Rubin, two business associates and Embiid will be guests of Patriots owner Robert Kraft for a preseason matchup with the Eagles. Embiid loves football, but he was mostly just up for a night out with Kraft, arguably the most powerful man in the NFL, and Rubin, who’s both his boss and his buddy. Embiid is rocking gray sweatpants, a white hoodie and suede Saint Laurent kicks; combined, the cost of the outfit probably exceeds my monthly rent. By contrast, Rubin wears Nikes, a charcoal tee, and jeans that are surely designer but could pass for the dad variety.

At 46, Rubin may not look the part, but he’s in peak baller mode — taking his heli to a game, then skipping over to the Hamptons for a weekend with Kraft and their girlfriends. Rubin is also a personal friend of Jeffrey Lurie, so it’s fortunate that tonight’s contest is meaningless, with no real rooting interests. The Super Bowl was a different story. If Rubin hadn’t needed to go there for business — his sports merchandise company, Fanatics, throws one of the biggest parties in a week that’s full of A-list blowouts — he would have avoided it.

“It was complicated,” he says. “Look, I love Jeffrey. Howie Roseman is my buddy. I’m friends with a bunch of guys who play on the team. But you can’t have one of your closest friends and then abandon them. It would be wrong.” The friend he’s referring to is 77-year-old Kraft.

“I generally don’t have a lot of fandom outside of the Sixers,” Rubin explains. “Fanatics takes the fandom out of you, it really does. You’re actually rooting for whoever makes you the most money.”

Such is the stuff of sports-talk-radio outrage: One of the Sixers owners cheers for the Pats? Boycott that crumb bum! But Rubin is a businessman to his core, hardwired for commerce in a way that’s different even from nearly anyone else who’s achieved this level of success. He’s been hustling since he left for sleepaway camp, a college dropout who’d been sued and gone virtually bankrupt before he could even vote. He’s also a true visionary — Rubin saw the potential for online retail while the rest of the world was still living the brick-and-mortar life and built GSI Commerce, a multibillion-dollar business. Now, his second 10-figure empire, Kynetic, consists of three e-businesses, including the crown jewel, Fanatics, which designs, manufactures and sells merch for all four major sports leagues and others to the tune of $2.3 billion in projected revenue this year. “It’s amazing,” Kraft says. “He’s basically built a mini-Amazon in sports merchandising. He used his vision and drive to develop a niche. He saw it before everyone else.” Did you buy a Ben Simmons tee for the Sixers’ playoff run? Do you own a Rhys Hoskins or Shayne Gostisbehere jersey? Eagles Super Bowl LII championship hoodie or jersey, underdogs tee, or autographed “Philly Special” framed photo? Fanatics made them and sold them to you.

“He’s an amazingly intense person and an amazingly competitive person,” says Josh Kopelman, founder of First Round Capital and a longtime friend of Rubin. “He’s probably one of the best strategic people I know in terms of playing chess when everyone else is playing checkers.”

Until recently, Rubin — with a net worth hovering around $3 billion — was among the most low-key Philadelphians on the Forbes 400 (number 278 on the 2017 list, 14 spots behind Phillies principal owner John Middleton and 110 ahead of Lurie). His role as the third largest shareholder in the Sixers raised his profile, but unless you’ve seen him courtside with Kevin Hart or Lil Uzi Vert, you probably couldn’t pick him out of a lineup or a paparazzi photo on TMZ Sports (though you may have read the news this summer that he purchased one of the most expensive penthouses ever sold in Lower Manhattan, for $43.5 million).

Rubin with Kevin Hart, Robert Kraft and Meek Mill just after Mill’s release from prison. Photograph courtesy of Michael Rubin

But Rubin’s public persona — and his life — has changed, thanks to his friend Robert Rihmeek Williams, a.k.a. North Philly rapper Meek Mill. When Mill was sent to prison last November, Rubin mobilized — launching the Free Meek campaign with Jay-Z and taking aim at not only the judge handling Mill’s case, but the entire criminal justice system. The luxe chopper we’re riding in is the same one that famously picked up Mill from jail in Chester and flew him straight to a Sixers playoff game in April.

Tonight, the activist/entrepreneur/ billionaire is focused on the fun stuff, like breaking Embiid’s stones constantly. Despite the nonstop clowning around, business is never far from Rubin’s mind, and neither is the cause he’s championing. His rise from business prodigy to sports mogul and Sixers owner is a story in itself. But then Meek Mill went to jail, Michael Rubin got woke — and a new chapter in his life began.

•

A few weeks earlier, Rubin greets me in his corner office at the Kynetic headquarters in Conshohocken for our first interview. He’s dressed summer-Friday-afternoon ultra-casual, in white cutoff denim shorts, a gray t-shirt and leather sandals, and flanked by his partner and his corporate PR chief. The “office” next to his is a playroom for his 12-year-old daughter, Kylie — it’s a concept he borrowed after talking to another CEO who wanted to find a way to stay close to his kids even when he was working, which for Rubin is seemingly always. While he flies to his Manhattan office weekly, his empire was built within seven miles of where he’s sitting, and staying close to his family is a priority. He lives minutes from his ex-wife and spends a few nights each week with his daughter, who inspired his company’s name; his mother visits his Bryn Mawr manse for dinner on Sundays. Rubin has a quick answer for how a kid from Lafayette Hill ended up becoming a titan of e-commerce: “I think you’re either born with the entrepreneurial bug or you’re not. I was a shitty athlete. I was a bad student. I wasn’t really good at anything other than business. Ever since I was old enough to make money, I wanted to do that.”

You’ve probably read stories about entrepreneurs who opened lemonade stands and whose proud parents instantly knew they were destined for big things. That’s fairly normal — a word no one would use to describe Rubin. Sure, he got into snow shoveling at age 10, but he didn’t break a sweat; instead, he rounded up five kids and paid them to do all the manual labor. Around the same time, his mother, Paulette, a psychiatrist, was cooking dinner one night when she overheard him on the phone with a friend of one of his two older sisters, asking about the teen’s baseball card collection. When her husband, Ken, came home, she asked, “Do you know how Michael knows what ‘consignment’ is?” Later, she gently informed her child that his plan to sell the cards at his sleepaway camp was flawed, since the other campers wouldn’t have any money. “I’m not selling to the kids,” he said, as if his intentions should have been obvious. “I’m selling to the dads on visiting day.” Sure enough, there was a line of fathers outside his bunk with cash in hand.

The rest of Rubin’s origin story is about as unbelievable as anything you’d see in a Marvel movie, if the superhero was a nice Jewish boy from Montco with a savant-like way of seeing the world. At age 12, he opened a ski repair shop in the basement of his parents’ house; two years later, his father, a veterinarian, co-signed a lease so Rubin could open his own store in a Conshohocken strip mall with $10,000 he’d made. Action News cameras captured a marketing stunt one summer as Rubin arranged to build a 142-foot ski slope in the parking lot with 45,000 pounds of ice. As a junior at Plymouth Whitemarsh High, the budding businessman would leave classes early through a co-op program to work at his shop.

It looked like Rubin’s career was over before it really began when he found himself in the red for $200,000 at age 16. He was being sued by a slew of creditors, who were stunned to learn that the hot shot they’d only spoken with by phone was a minor. Rubin hired a lawyer to settle his debts, got a loan from his parents, and eventually owned five ski shops with annual sales totaling $2.5 million. When his folks refused to lend him more money, he borrowed 17 grand from a neighbor for a new venture — buying closeout sporting-goods merchandise and selling it for a markup. Rubin’s parents made him agree to give college a shot. He lasted less than a year at Villanova. “For the first semester,” he says, “I was always in the parking lot with this giant phone — they were like a fucking brick at this point — and I’d be late to class because I’m buying something in Asia and selling it in England, wheeling and dealing like crazy.”

KPR Sports, the new business he named for his parents, led to the creation of an outdoor shoe company and a controlling interest in Ryka, a women’s sneaker manufacturer. At 23, the “Sneaker Stud,” as People crowned him, was generating $50 million in sales and preparing to build the next Nike or Reebok. But in 1998, back when Amazon only sold books, a Wall Street analyst asked Rubin what he was doing about the World Wide Web. “My first answer was, ‘Fuck this internet thing. Don’t waste my time. It’s all these young kids who don’t make any money. They all lose money.’”

The analyst persisted, and Rubin began polling the CEOs of all the sporting-goods giants he sold to about their plans for e-commerce. “They didn’t know how to do it themselves,” Rubin says. “If I could bring them to scale and do that myself … I saw the business opportunity.” Was Rubin at all afraid to tackle a business model with so many unknowns, including his own inexperience? “That’s what I think makes an entrepreneur,” he says. “I was probably too fearless then.”

To build Global Sports Interactive, Rubin needed funding, and a near-disastrous meeting in New York would change the course of his life. Masayoshi Son — CEO of SoftBank, a Japanese firm heavily invested in Yahoo and E*Trade — agreed to meet with Rubin and his small team, including Mike Conn, the analyst who pestered Rubin about the internet and then joined him at GSI. Rubin pitched uninterrupted for 30 minutes. Masa, as he’s known, responded by saying, “You’re the next Jeff Bezos and Michael Dell. I’m buying 30 percent of your company.” But rather than gladly taking any deal offered, Rubin began to grill Masa on SoftBank. “I was shaking,” Conn remembers. “I mean, our payroll was bouncing and Michael starts pushing back. I did the math, and this was an $80 million deal. There are many times in life with Michael when I wish I had a pause button — just freeze and say, ‘Wait a second.’”

Masa isn’t easily rattled, and eventually SoftBank closed the deal. Rubin’s ex-wife, Meegan, remembers another moment in the negotiation process, when she sat in awe during a dinner near Piccadilly Circus in London as her then-boyfriend and Masa — with input from another guest, Rupert Murdoch — worked out the details of their arrangement.

At the same time, Josh Kopelman created the e-marketplace Half.com in Conshohocken and found a kindred spirit in Rubin — two Philly founders during the late-’90s/early-aughts dot-com boom and the bust that followed. The two would meet for lunch at Rubin’s King of Prussia office or Stella Blu in West Conshy and talk shop about their increasingly fickle industry. One day in 2001, as GSI’s stock bottomed out at $3 a share from $33 two years before, Rubin spent a good portion of the afternoon curled up under his desk, contemplating his company’s collapse. “The mortality rate was high,” Kopelman says of the many ventures that folded. “It was a game of musical chairs. Michael and I were both lucky enough to have caught a chair before the music stopped.” (GSI’s stock rebounded within a few months.)

What set Rubin apart and set GSI on a course for unthinkable success is his long view, says Kopelman, who was briefly on GSI’s board: “What I see in Michael is an intense tolerance for delayed gratification. When you’re an entrepreneur, you’re sacrificing pain and suffering today for success later.” A key aspect of Rubin’s strategy was signing long-term deals, like an 18-year agreement with Sports Authority, at a time when anything longer than 10 years was unheard-of.

GSI grew rapidly, expanding across retail sectors by partnering with Ralph Lauren, Toys “R” Us, GNC and others. Rubin attracted a workforce of young, tech-savvy employees who were willing to work hard for relatively little compensation to be part of something big. Before he launched the Philly sports-gossip site Crossing Broad, Kyle Scott worked at GSI for two years, in the late 2000s. When the Phillies won the World Series in 2008, Scott was on wi-fi at a sports bar, updating the team’s and MLB’s websites; he estimates GSI processed a few million dollars in Phils-related revenue in 24 hours.

After narrowly surviving some heady days, including the internet crash and the Great Recession, Rubin made his next earth-shaking move in 2011, when he sold GSI Commerce, as it was then named, to eBay for $2.4 billion. Rubin and Conn celebrated with burgers and beer at Champps at the King of Prussia mall on a Friday. Conn thought maybe they should take a year off to contemplate the future; Rubin was back to work on Monday and already had a plan. eBay wanted Rubin’s B2B platform to compete with Amazon, but it didn’t need his consumer businesses. So Rubin bought three of them back — the designer fashion site Rue La La, the members-only retail site ShopRunner, and Fanatics, the licensed-sports-apparel behemoth. When asked why he didn’t just retire, Rubin answered in typical Rubinesque fashion: “I will work at the same incredibly hard pace until I die. I love it. I’m having more fun than I’ve ever had.”

Like his net worth, Rubin’s enthusiasm for empire-building keeps growing. Last year, he purchased the sports merch giant Majestic, and also flew to Japan to pitch his old friends at SoftBank — which now runs the world’s largest tech fund — for a new round of funding, walking away with $1 billion. With his eyes on expansion into European soccer and sports across Asia, Rubin predicts annual earnings of $10 billion in the next decade for Fanatics alone. He says his “v-commerce” model of vertical retail — designing, manufacturing, and selling merchandise directly to consumers — is what sets Fanatics apart and has helped him secure deals with the major sports leagues that average a whopping 15 years. “I feel like we’re just getting started,” he tells me. “Even though this has become a decent-sized business, we’re still in the first quarter of the football game.”

Sports are now threaded so tightly through all aspects of Rubin’s life that it’s impossible to untangle work from play, which is exactly how he likes it. His friendship with Kraft, his trips to All-Star games with his daughter or to the Super Bowl with his mom, partying with Embiid and Ben Simmons across the globe — he’s never off the clock, and business is never far away from the fun.

•

In the heli somewhere over North Jersey, I ask Rubin and Embiid what they have in common.

“I’m a great basketball player,” Rubin says, getting a laugh out of the fit professional athlete seated beside him. He has a slight middle-age paunch that contrasts with his boyish face. “Short, Jewish, out of shape — we have a lot in common. When did we start hanging out?”

“The first summer when I was hurt, not much,” Embiid says. “But the end of the season … I think it was in New York. We went out, and then we started hanging out.”

Rubin’s larger-than-life résumé and singular personality have a cinematic quality. Sportscaster Howard Eskin compares him to Russell Crowe’s character in A Beautiful Mind. On a personal level, Meegan Rubin jokes that her ex is Tom Hanks in Big — a child trapped in an adult’s body: “Michael definitely has a young vibe.”

His youthful exuberance is on display as Rubin and Embiid recall their trip to the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas to celebrate the birthday of a model friend, Jocelyn Chew, whose Instagram account was once featured by GQ. Rubin posted photos of a petrified Embiid at the top of a gnarly 60-foot near-vertical water slide and a video of his reluctant investigation of a lazy river as inner tubes filled with vacationers leisurely passed by.

“When you see someone who’s seven-foot-two and can’t swim in a two-foot pool,” Rubin says, “it’s kind of hard not to make fun of them. That was honestly one of the funniest weekends.”

“We had so much fun,” says Embiid. “I would do everything else except for the slide. The slide was awful.”

“The scary thing was, Joel uses his hands on the side of the slide, holding on. He’s going to lose a hand or a finger. You’ll be the only person to get hurt in the history of the NBA on a water slide.”

Rubin, Embiid and friends in Miami Beach for the Sixer’s 24th birthday. Photograph courtesy of Seth Browarnik/WorldRedEye

Rubin is a social media newbie, but with some editing advice from his daughter, he’s begun to document his personal life (or at least the “G-rated version,” as he says). Whatever he omits, Page Six or TMZ is likely to cover: Embiid’s 24th birthday in Miami Beach, attended by models of the Instagram and Victoria’s Secret variety, or Rubin waving a giant Sixers flag at his 46th birthday in Las Vegas with Simmons, Mill and Kraft. (Rubin is well known for having frequented Atlantic City and Vegas in his youth. These days, he plays private high-stakes blackjack.)

Rubin’s favorite subject for ball-busting at the moment is Embiid’s girlfriend, a successful model — a silly video and a romantic photo with her are constant sources of blackmail threats. Rubin prods Embiid to explain why he owes so much to their friend Chew.

“She’s the reason why I’m in love,” Embiid says with a huge grin, as Rubin and the business associates whoop it up.

“He took her to Cameroon!” Rubin yells, referring to a trip Embiid made with his girlfriend where she met his parents.

Embiid looks at me and deadpans, “He’s jealous.”

When talk turns to Rubin’s current flame, new media coordinator for Major League Baseball and model Camille Fishel, Rubin clams up. Embiid rolls video to capture Rubin’s response as the tables turn, and another wrestling match ensues. Rubin retaliates by raising the stakes for his threats.

“Twenty percent reduction in your pay,” he says. “We’re making free-agency room.”

It’s hard to imagine Rubin’s fellow Sixers co-owners, Josh Harris and David Blitzer, cracking wise about contract restructuring or popping bottles with their players. It’s also easy to jump to conclusions about Rubin’s joie de vivre. (Phone call for Mr. Rubin, midlife crisis on line one!) But Rubin had all the trappings of wealth decades ago; he had a Porsche before he had a driver’s license, and when he was 27, his garage housed a Range Rover, a Mercedes convertible and a Ferrari. He also had his girlfriend, Meegan, to keep him tethered to reality — or at least attempt to do so. In an interview with CNN back then, Rubin said they’d spend “a decent amount of quality time together … at least a couple hours during the weekend.” In 2009, then married with a three-year-old daughter, Rubin filmed an episode of Undercover Boss, epic-failing while trying to stack packages in a GSI warehouse and bonding with blue-collar employees. The most insightful scene was a brief glimpse into his private life — Meegan playing with Kylie in the background while Rubin scrolled on his phone. “He is definitely a workaholic,” Meegan said on camera. “Texting at three o’clock in the morning to Europe. He treats GSI as if it’s his baby.” Meegan tells me her exasperation wasn’t staged for television, and Rubin admits he isn’t a “zero to three” father: “Truth be told, I was not a baby guy. I connected with my daughter when she turned two and a half or three. If I had more kids, I wouldn’t be changing diapers. I could sit here and say I’m someone else, but I’m not.”

The couple separated in 2011, and Rubin dated cable news anchor and Rich Bitch author Nicole Lapin, reportedly only a month later. “It still makes me sad to this day,” Meegan says of their divorce. “We were going in separate directions. I was tired. I didn’t want the pressure — I’d already been so affected by people trying to get close to him for his money. I just have a different soul than he does.” Still, Meegan, an artist and a former Koresh company dancer who owns the Liberty Me Dance Center in Bryn Mawr, can’t say enough about her ex as a co-parent, businessman and human being. “He’s enjoying the fruits of his labor, as he should,” she says, adding, “Freedom is the foundation for happiness, and we both gave each other that gift.”

One of those fruits is owning a piece of the Sixers. (Rubin has also invested in Harris and Blitzer’s other teams, the New Jersey Devils and London’s Crystal Palace soccer club.) As Rubin tells it, his former neighbor, Ed Snider, approached him about buying the team after his eBay windfall, but Rubin passed without looking into it. “Josh and David are savvy,” he says. “They recognized the economics of the business were a lot better than I thought.” NBA commissioner David Stern recommended that Rubin get involved with Harris’s group, and soon the guy who’d made a mint with sports apparel was part of another elite group — pro team owners (and a ’Nova dropout among a group of Penn grads). Via email, Josh Harris calls Rubin “a great guy and a great friend … very creative, full of high energy.” His value to the team, Harris says, is “innovative thinking and his relationships.”

As for who’s responsible for the Sixers’ rise from paupers to playoff threat, Rubin insists that Harris and Blitzer make all the basketball decisions. Coincidence or not, the team has followed a playbook he’s most familiar with — suffering today in exchange for future success. “If you would’ve asked two years ago, when we were going through a really difficult time, people would say we’re a bunch of clowns,” he says. “Today, I think people would say we’re pretty smart, that we’re good owners, and you have to give that credit, first and foremost, to Josh and David. They’ve got the responsibility on their shoulders, and they chose to embark on a really long-term strategy.”

Asked about Rubin’s unusually close relationships with Embiid and Ben Simmons, Harris says it’s a benefit to the team: “I think it’s great to have a member of the ownership group who can relate particularly well to the players and be accessible for any questions or issues they may have. The old days of having a line of demarcation between the owners and players is long gone.” (Insert Colangelo Twitter joke here.)

Even longtime hater of the Process and Sixers ownership critic Howard Eskin doesn’t see a problem with Rubin mixing business and pleasure. “He loves being friends with the players, and I think it’s great,” says Eskin. “Why shouldn’t he enjoy his passion for the game? He doesn’t make decisions on those players. Maybe that’s a good thing.”

Now Rubin has his sights set on the toughest and richest club in all of sports — owners of NFL teams. His bid to buy the Carolina Panthers ended when the asking price ballooned from steep to insane (final sale price: $2.3 billion), but Rubin is “pot committed,” to use a gambling phrase he appreciates. “I believe I’ll have my chances to own an NFL team, and I’m excited to do it,” he says. But the thrill of being close to the action is nothing new to him; his first date with Meegan was, ironically, courtside Sixers seats, and he’s been friends with superstars like Julius Erving for decades. He’s made a fortune, literally. Aside from winning a championship, what’s left to do? “There’s a typical cadence when people are laser-focused on their business,” says Kopelman. “When they hit their 40s and 50s, they widen their aperture. They see their ability to give back.”

•

Meek Mill told his pal Michael Rubin about a dream he had while in prison: Rubin would fly to Chester, land his helicopter in the yard, and carry Mill away to freedom. On April 24th, the day Mill was released, Rubin was determined to make that vision real — even though it was after 3 p.m., the Sixers had a playoff game against the Miami Heat in a few hours, and there was no place to land at the jail. Rubin called in a favor from Harris, who owns the Harrah’s casino across the street, and secured permission to touch down there. “We pick him up, go to the game, and we’ve got multiple news helicopters following our helicopter,” Rubin says. “He’s in his jail outfit, he goes in, hugs everyone, shaves, takes a shower, goes out and rings the bell” — a new Sixers pregame crowd-hyping ritual. “It was insane.”

On the surface, this is another curious Rubin relationship, two guys with seemingly little in common. They met courtside at the 2015 NBA All-Star game in New York — Mill with then-girlfriend Nicki Minaj, Rubin with Kylie — and what began with his daughter chatting the stars up turned into Mill asking Rubin a barrage of questions about the Sixers, sports and business. “I felt like I met a different version of myself,” Rubin says. “I’m a sponge, and he was doing the same thing to me that I do to so many other people. I loved it.” Their shared curiosity led to a fast friendship; Rubin estimates Mill has joined him on 50 separate trips across the country and beyond.

There’s chatter in some circles that the bond between the rich white guy and the ascending rap star is really little more than a branding opportunity, perfect for Rubin’s new celebrity-adjacent public image. But a story Rubin tells about Mill’s case suggests that their connection and his passion for Mill’s cause run deep. “If he wasn’t my boy, I would have never cared,” Rubin says. “I don’t want to seem like some great guy. If Joel said this happened to his friend, I would have written a check. Because it was my close friend, it’s as personal as it gets.” Mill and Rubin had a long-running argument, with the rapper insisting there were two Americas — a black one and a white one — and Rubin saying give me a break, you have a great life, there’s one America.

Mill went to jail in November for violating parole on much-debated gun and drugs convictions from 10 years ago. Rubin was in the courtroom that day, as confident that Mill would be let off as he’s been about any business deal he’s made.

“Michael,” Mill said through the phone from prison hours later, “this is what happens to black people.”

“You’re right, I was wrong,” Rubin said. “I will get you out of this.”

Mill’s incarceration lit a fire under Rubin that his friends say consumed him unlike anything they’ve seen outside his business and his family. Rather than sit idle as the wheels of justice creaked slowly, Rubin took the case to the court of public opinion, launching the Free Meek campaign on billboards and with hashtags with the help of luminaries including Dr. J, Kevin Hart, Allen Iverson and Jay-Z, head of Mill’s record label. (Sources say that between legal fees and other costs, Rubin and Jay-Z split more than $5 million in expenses on Mill’s behalf.) The Inquirer revealed that Ed Rendell personally called Common Pleas Court Judge Genece Brinkley to encourage a compromise on Mill’s parole restrictions. Rubin brought Mill’s case to Rendell’s attention, but he says he didn’t ask him to make that call. Still, he apologizes for none of his aggressive tactics, including his attacks on Brinkley. “My whole life, I evaluate people. I evaluated her, and she was psychologically crazy,” he says. “I wasn’t backing down to her or her broken system. I think a year from now, she won’t be a judge. I think she belongs somewhere between unemployed and being in jail.”

Rubin is applying his appetite for risk and long view in business and sports to the cause of criminal justice reform — not just here, but across the country. He’s announced he’s in the process of setting up a foundation to help people like his buddy, folks living in the other America he never knew existed despite his close proximity to athletes who surely knew otherwise. His goal: to bring “business sense” to a broken system, tackling everything from parole and bail reform and offender reentry to mass incarceration that disproportionately impacts minorities. Rubin won’t confirm who’s involved yet, but the coalition he’s building will be backed by deep pockets and A-list power, and Rubin is dedicating more than $10 million of his own money to the cause. Local political rising star Omar Woodard, director of the venture capital GreenLight Fund that Rubin has backed, says Rubin is uniquely positioned to turn what looks like a quixotic crusade into a victory. “This could change the lives of millions of people,” he says. “This is long-standing work. There’s going to be wins and losses. Who knows that better than entrepreneurs? The fact that he’s found a passion with this, I’m thrilled.”

Someone else who believes in Rubin’s world-shaping potential — and impacts his life like few others — is Robert Kraft. When Kraft’s wife died from ovarian cancer in 2011, Rubin could relate — he struggled after losing his father to heart disease. “I was devastated for a year,” Kraft says. “My kids thought I was not long for the world. Two people helped me a lot — a young lady who I still see a lot [38-year-old model/actress Ricki Noel Lander], and developing a relationship with Michael in both a personal and professional space. We’re both a little nuts — in a healthy way.”

Kraft somehow connects all of the dots of Rubin’s story at this moment in time. Both are considered kids at heart: For Kraft’s birthday in June, Rubin posted a photo of Kraft’s head on Pats tight end Rob Gronkowski’s ripped body; Kraft, in a backward Pats cap, posed for a Monte Carlo pic with Rubin and a tray full of hangover remedies. They bonded over grief for the loved ones they missed. They’re also time-shifted mirror images of each other — Rubin a younger version of Kraft, and Kraft a beacon on the far-off horizon, a life well lived with no signs of slowing down (and a hand with five Super Bowl rings).

Kraft was so taken by Rubin’s passion for Mill’s case that after the two men vacationed in Turks and Caicos with their girlfriends, he joined Rubin for a jailhouse visit in Chester. “I wasn’t really into rappers, but my girlfriend liked rap and exposed me to Rick Ross, and we had him perform at one of our after-parties at the Super Bowl,” Kraft says. “I realized that there’s a lot of messaging there that has a lot of depth and speaks to what’s going on in the inner city. … I told Meek, you have to have boundaries and be careful who’s around you. You can’t disappoint these kids who look up to you. He’s really intelligent and a good guy. That conversation really bonded us.” Kraft’s connection to Rubin is on another level: “He’s a very special person. He’s like a brother. He’s helped me be more open-minded about things. He’s very good at selling, but he has empathy.”

Rubin delivers his sales pitch regarding Mill’s future with conviction. He’s certain Mill has seen the last of prison, despite a setback in August as the Pennsylvania Supreme Court denied a motion to remove Brinkley from the case. But when I ask about a nuclear option I heard he’s pursued — asking Governor Tom Wolf, a vocal Mill supporter, to recommend a pardon if Mill loses all appeals — Rubin pauses before speaking: “It’s never going to come to that, in my mind.” That rare hesitation suggests less a lack of confidence than a sign that Rubin’s already thinking ahead to his next moves.

•

Before we land in Foxborough about two hours ahead of the Birds-and-Patriots kickoff, Rubin finds a way to turn a Mill visitation story into Joel Embiid’s humiliation. When Kevin Hart joined Rubin at the state prison, they walked through crowds of inmates as the comedian shook hands and dapped with the starstruck convicts. For Embiid’s visit, they met Mill in a private room and made no contact with the prisoners. Still, says Rubin, “I’ve never seen someone more terrified in my life.”

“I was scared,” says Embiid, who’d never been to a jail before. “I was literally shaking.”

“Just to put this in perspective, Joel literally turned white as a ghost,” Rubin says. “Kevin Hart, who’s all of five-foot-two, was completely comfortable.” Months later, when Embiid learned Mill was about to be a free man, he FaceTimed Rubin as he jumped up and down on his bed: “I thought he was never coming out,” Embiid says.

When the subject changes to the upcoming Sixers season, Embiid flexes his usual confidence. “We definitely have to make it to the finals — that’s the first step,” he says. “Everybody’s getting better. I’ve gotten so much better. Markelle [Fultz], I’ve seen the videos, he’s got his shot back. Everybody looks good. … We felt like we could have beaten Boston, but every game was close. We just couldn’t finish. Next year is going to be even better.”

Rubin agrees but can’t resist another joke at Embiid’s expense: “He’s not going to be soft like he is in the off-season, when he’s in love and can’t focus.”

“I actually think being in love helps you focus,” Embiid says, deadpanning again. “It’s motivating.”

After 90 minutes, the Rubin/Embiid comedy show ends as the pair and their business pals hop off the heli and into a waiting golf cart that whisks them off to say hi to Lurie and hang with Kraft. The billionaire who horses around like a teenager is a bundle of contradictions: genius and dropout, family man and party boy, team owner and posse member. Framed that way, Rubin might seem like a long shot to own a team in the notoriously conservative NFL, and his chances to change America’s criminal justice system might appear even slimmer. But Kopelman’s analysis of Rubin’s bold predictions for his business could well apply to all of his endeavors. “He’s playing the long-term gratification game,” he says. “If you’re asking if I’d bet on Michael Rubin, I would.”

Published as “Michael Rubin Is Playing the Long Game” in the October 2018 issue of Philadelphia magazine.

Source: https://www.phillymag.com/news/2018/09/29/michael-rubin-meek-mill-joel-embiid-sixers/

[rocketrobinprints-blog]

Injury update...

Things have been pretty hectic for us the last few months with a string of responsibilities, jobs, school, some injuries and getting sick. As always the lead up to Christmas means a lot of stress, especially in our retail jobs.

Back at the beginning of August, I fell in the back room at my job and sprained my left wrist catching myself. That healed up after some care, a splint, and training myself to use my right hand (dominant hand) to actually do more than write. I learned pretty quickly that I use my left for nearly everything, and it was a long process to reteach myself to carry things or pour things with my right hand. But! eventually that healed up.

Fast forward to the end of November. My dad and his partner decided to make another trip out to Taiwan to visit some friends and see her family. Dad flew out first, meaning I had to drive his partner to the airport for her flight. Fine, I agreed to do it. Her flight was early in the morning on a Thursday, and you have to arrive at the airport a few hours earlier than your flight, and it took about forty five minutes to get to the airport from their house. So I drove down Wednesday night after an eight hour shift, and we were going to leave at 3:30AM to get her there on time. She's injured her neck which restricts her movement and she can't carry anything heavy, so I carried her bags out and threw them in the car. In doing so, I re-injured my left arm.

So now, I've had the injury a little over two weeks. The pain is in the middle of my forearm, especially when I make any sort of twisting motion. It is not my wrist again, which I had sprained in August, but I'm wearing the splint to try to keep off it anyway. It has been slowly getting better. I can carry things with that arm now, and I'm capable of a wider range of motion again. The thing is, any twisting of my forearm still hurts, and it hurts about the same as the initial injury. This leads me to believe I pulled a ligament on my ulna or potentially even hairline fractured it, but I'm stubborn so I'm still treating it like a sprain. I said I'd go get it checked out again if it didn't feel better by last Wednesday, but now I'm just back to trying to mediate it myself, and haven't seen anyone at the clinic.

The injury made the last couple weeks of my class pretty stressful, on top of how it effected my ability to work efficiently at work. Headed into the end of the semester and the holiday season, neither of these effects have worked out very well for me. I finished out my class with some clumsy signing. I've gradually been able to do more at work, especially with help of Tylenol while the shop has started booming with all those people who told us throughout the year that they'd be back for Christmas presents.

I'm getting pretty tired of wearing the splint (which smells like a nice mix of spices from work) but the few days I took it off because I was sick of wearing it, I managed to twist my arm again. Most notably, I took it off to sign my final exam story for my ASL course, and halfway through gestured with my arm to meet pretty sharp pain after a day or two of it being mostly ok. (You can see me wince in the video.) Ironically, the story I chose to tell for my final was how I had sprained my ankle when I was a kid.

Eric got pretty sick at the start of December too. He seemed to have the stomach flu on top of a cold, though he never throws up, so it's a little uncertain. It took him out of the game for a week or so while we tried to kick that in the butt. He missed work, felt super light headed, and had a fairly upset stomach for days. It was a rough week, and he has informed me he has no more desire to eat soup. But, he did eventually get over it and headed back to work and has been mostly fine. Eric wakes up at 3:00AM to get to work by 5:00AM, and then has to deal with my having energy and wanting to have discussions super late at night and coming to bed at 11:00PM, which I'm sure doesn't help.

Anyway, we got him mostly threw the worst of it, just in time for me to catch it and be a big sick baby for the next week and a half. I went into work, since I only work three days a week, but I couldn't stay for my full shift because I have been simply exhausted. I got over the stomach symptoms pretty early on and the whole thing has just become a nasty cold. On top of the arm injury, it's made me pretty useless for work during a time that I really need to be counted on to come in so my boss isn't working all hours. I'm his only employee, so it's kind of important.

He's had me come in an hour later than normal for the weekend, then I stay and work as long as I can, which both days this weekend meant I stuck around until around 3:30PM. So, I'm looking at a typical 18 hour weekend of work, brought down to 7 or 8 hours total, which is rough. And with my re-injured arm I have difficulty doing a lot of the fine-motor-skill work I need to be able to do for a shift as well. And now, a week out from Christmas, I really need to be at the top of my game so my boss doesn't burn out.

So that's where we've been for the last few months. Hopefully we're back to full power soon.

-Kecheri

[votives]

2016 in Review

Last year I wrote a month-by-month summary of 2015 for my own benefit. I found it last week and it was really fun to see what happened in my own personal life. This is that, but for 2016. A lot happened in the world, but this really is just about my own personal life for me. If for whatever reason you care, feel free to read on. Cheers to 2017!

January: I rung in the new year with my friend Edel and two of her long-time friends, which was casual and fun and a great way to kick-off a year that I wanted to base on self-improvement and self-love. Nearly as soon as I got back to school, I got a job at my favorite coffee shop (which I’ve been working at for almost a year!) Not even a week later I was on my way home from d-hall dinner with my gal pal WXJM friends I made in fall ‘15 when my former roommate called me and told me that there was a package waiting for me when I came home. When I got home and opened my bedroom door, I was sprayed with confetti and a group of strangers (who just spent time in my horribly decorated room complete with a Rupert Grint cardboard cutout) sang the JMU fight song to me — I got into Student Ambassadors! Winter Storm Jonas barricaded me in my apartment allowing me to catch up on all my favorite movies, but also made me shovel several feet of snow out from around my car so I could drive to my first day at work. 

February: I started having friend-dates to find a mentor in SA and knew within 10 minutes of my coffee date with my friend Taylor that I needed her as my mentor. Emma came to visit one weekend, which was significantly less messy than the time she visited the semester before. A little later, at the mentor/mentee reveal, Taylor and I found out we got each other and pretty much became friend soulmates. (Things have continued as such). We started going to weekly yoga together. I had my first tour and became polo official. This month was heavy in that organization. It was also during this month that I absolutely crushed hard on this guy in one of my writing classes. We had the same political views, he was incredibly well spoken and funny, and he was literally a surfer from Hawaii. We went to a house show together, got lunch once or twice and hung out at the library on several occasions, but at the end of the day it didn’t go anywhere. 

March: Meredith, my parents & I went on a cruise for spring break. The first cruise Mer or I had ever been on. Was less then great, as one of our stops got cancelled (we were supposed to go to the Ernest Hemingway house) but it was still absolutely amazing to spend a week exploring with my best friend. Highlight: cave-diving in Mexico with Mer & my parents. I had my one year mark with The Breeze. I think everyone was a little shell-shocked when I didn’t apply for editor the month before, but I had just gotten the job and the organization and didn’t want to be overwhelmed. I was getting over Hawaiian boy when my friend suggested I go for this really outgoing boy I met a house show. He was a ball of energy and made me look quiet. With her help, he and a few of his friends became a part of our growing friend group and I tried to spend more time with him. Macrock happened which was 1. amazing 2. horrifying. I missed more of it than I would have liked to, but it was because I was having so much fun with my friends. I volunteered to help at the door of a random show, and ended up working the heavy metal show, also.

April: Either mid-March or early April I got really close to a handful of seniors in SA, which was the most devastating thing I could’ve done. I spent a lot of this month at the library or d-hall with them, and I spent a lot of weekends at their houses. It was around this time that I also developed a crush on a senior in WXJM who was planning to stay another year, which was good timing because I realized that my friend had slept with the boy she was helping to set me up with. I was named top writer in my section for The Breeze, and spent a growing time with my SA friends as I got disenchanted with WXJM for a little. We found out that our fourth-roommate, who we thought was living with us this current year, never signed the lease. I don’t think I ever actually said goodbye to her in person. 

May: I went to the beach for a week with a bunch of friends which was partly horrible and partly amazing. There was a ton of unavoidable drama, but I also learned that sharing a pullout couch with two other people makes you really close. I adopted a Jimmy Buffet mentality for the week and spent the entire week trying to be as happy and carefree as possible, and it worked. My parents, during this time, were moving from our 2015 residence to a house we’re currently renting closer to my dads work. When I got back, I interviewed for and got an internship for the summer. I’m a sneaky ass, so when I hung out with a bunch of friends the day before my birthday I decided to not mention my birthday to any of them. One of my closest friends, Lizzet, knew though and had secretly brought a gift. I got a bunch of angry texts at like 1 in the morning from friends mad that I didn’t remind them. The morning of my 20th birthday my mom informed me that the night before, my little cousin had been diagnosed with Leukemia. I cannot explain how devastated I was and still am about that. Later in the day, Meredith & Josh drove up to visit and spend several days with me. We went to DC, Great Falls, and watched a ton of Gossip Girl & Parks and Rec. 

June: I started my internship. I got surprisingly into Gossip Girl. Edel and I started to get lunches fairly often to discuss the weirdness of being a 20 year old but also having a business-casual job. My godson, Ben was born!  We sold and moved out of our lakehouse of eight years, which was weird to say the least. I went to visit Emma,  Autumn & Emily in Richmond. A lot of it didn’t go according to plan, but some highlights: I spent a TON of time with Daniel, Junaid, Ian & Dan (the senior friends and their roommates from April) and Autumn & I met fuckin Josh Radnor (aka Ted Mosby) when we were out to brunch. Had a mUCH needed catching-up session with Lizzet when I got back. 

July: We moved into our new lakehouse! The goal is to move out of the rental next year and my parents will move full-time to the lake. I went to my school apartment for a weekend to move-out and got to spend much needed time with Taylor and a friend Maddie who left my organization. Moving out of my apartment was weird, because I hated it but it had a lot of memories. Edel and I started a food instagram. Autumn came to visit me at the lake, which included trips to get icecream, kayaking ventures, tubing and trying to watch the stars. I went to NC for a weekend to see my much-missed high school friends. It was overwhelming and amazing and I could’ve spent another week easily. 

August: Met up with a friend from high school who happened to be interning in DC and went to my first ever Nats game. Meredith and Josh came to the lake for a weekend, the third time I got to see her this year which is honestly a miracle. Autumn and I moved in to our apartment on the same day, after only being assigned it like three days before after a summer of roommate assignments that fell through. We spent a lot of the night cleaning, then the rest of it unpacking and trying to get ready for orientation (We were FROGS: First Year Orientation Guides). My FROG group was amazing: my partner was a perfect contrast to me, and we ended up having a ton of mutual friends. My entire group of FROGs got really close together, and I particularly bonded with a friend named Taryn who is honestly just me. We’re pretty much twins. We also were both trying to start being some form of vegetarian at the same time, which is how we initially bonded. My first years kind of hated me at times and I didn’t have the same experience as most of my FROG friends, but I’m still really grateful for it. 

September: First few weeks of school were super fun because none of my responsibilities had really kicked in yet, so I could do whatever. I went to my first JMU tailgate which was incredibly fun, and I got to go to several games in the beginning of the season when I missed all of last season. Bikash and I started our third season at WXJM, Bear Necessities. I had dinner at the university presidents house. Emma and I became friends again, after a little bit of a hiatus. 

October: Realized that I have a crush on a good friend, which always sucks. Didn’t do anything about it. Taylor and I saw Chance the Rapper live, which was super weird and super amazing and the most fun. Taylor took me to the lavender farm because she just gets me. We went with the boy who ghosted me, which was weird, but it’s ok. Autumn turned 21! We had a bunch of people over to our apartment. It was so fun. I got a little in WXJM and she’s perfect. She’s my year, she’s cooler than me, and she’s incredibly vocal about the phenomenal things that she is passionate about. I went to Minnesota one weekend for my cousins wedding and got to see my moms side of the family, which I always miss. I impulse bought a razor scooter, which I once rode to work to make fun of my coworkers. Meredith and Josh came to visit JMU for Hallow-homecoming! A bunch of my alumni friends were also visiting that weekend. I didn’t get to see a lot of alumni, but I had a ton of fun with Mer and Josh: highlights include briefly going to a tailgate, going to Rocky Horror and going to Benny’s. 

November: Lizzet turns 21! I went to see Beach House in Charlottesvile, which was an amazing show and an interesting night. I got enough confidence to ask my lingering crush from last semester out to get pizza, but I’m pretty positive it was just as friends because that was the last time we talked even though it couldn’t have possibly gone better. The election happened, which was depressing. I participated in a live discussion on feminism for The Breeze, which was great. There was an armed man barricaded in my apartment building one morning and my roommates and I were told by a police officer (one of many surrounding my building) to evacuate and run to the clubhouse, where I stayed for several hours (not forced) to get updates. It ended peacefully. Mer turned 21 and I missed it, which sucked. For Thanksgiving we went to NC for like 4 hours, which was nice but brief. 

December: Taylor’s birthday! I got her a stuffed goat from You’ve Goat Mail for Christmas and I’m still absurdly proud about it. Lizzet took me to the Smallpools Concert for free, but we accidentally missed the meet & greets. I went to a Christmas Cocktail where I only knew a few people and walked away with a bunch of new friends: namely, a house-dog. I either got food poisoning or the stomach bug, who’s to tell. Operation Santa Claus happened and was super fun. After months of stress, I was accepted into a study abroad program in Italy, which my friend Emily is going on too. I had a really stressful academic end of the semester, but left for break feeling really good about the next semester. I have every intention to apply to be a section editor for The Breeze. I still have a crush on my friend that I realized in September and still haven’t acted on it. I’m torn between going for it or letting it go. Time will tell. A bunch of my family got sick over Christmas, and somehow I didn’t. So I’m either a huge successful germaphobe or I already had the bug. We binge watched The OA, and wow. My brother gave me a ton of records and my mom made some new pillows for me, so I decided to transform my room since we’re staying in our apartment. 

for 2017:

Looking forward to applying for editor

Looking forward to hitting one year @ black sheep

Looking forward to getting my own mentee in SA

Looking forward to studying abroad

Looking forward to turning 21 

Hoping my cousin becomes cancer free

Hoping we get to go on last year’s planned NYC trip, which we delayed

Hoping I either make a move or give up on that boy 

Hoping I get back into yoga & stay relatively healthy  

[peacefulheartfarm]

Our Virginia Life

This week I want to share our dream with all of you. Perhaps you’ve been dreaming the dream as well and just don’t think you can get there. Sometimes it takes time—a lot of time. But it is so worth it. I encourage you to start today.

Welcome new listeners. It’s so good to have you. And welcome back veteran homestead-loving regulars. Thank you for stopping by the farmcast every week. I appreciate you all so much. I’m super excited to share with you what’s going on at the farm this week and I’m super existed to share the history of our homestead dream with you.

Today’s Show

Homestead Life Updates

Our Virginia Life

Greek Spiced Ground Meat with (optional) Yogurt or Sour Cream

Homestead Life Updates

Garden

Starting with the garden which seems to be at the end of our list of priorities at the moment. The strawberries are overwhelmed with wheat grass. I believe I mentioned that the straw we bought for mulch was full of seeds. I’ve never seen so much waste of wheat. Scott is working on that project today. The carrots are overrun with grass and weeds. I just looked at them. They seem to be holding their own for the moment. It will have to do until Tuesday. That is 3 days from now. Market is tomorrow. Church on Sunday and much needed rest in the afternoon. Cheesemaking on Monday. Hang in there, guys. I’ll save you. And the rest of the garden needs to be weeded and fertilized as well. I still need to get the green beans planted. The peanuts did not sprout and will need to be replanted. And the first harvests will be happening next week as well. I use flowers as pest control but I’m so far behind on my flower starts that the bugs may take over in June. Oh well, we do what we can and don’t sweat it. That’s not quite true is it? We will be sweating a lot come next week.

Cows

Cows are finally getting back into a routine. They really, really don’t like change. We added a new cow. We split up our girls and put one with Butter as a companion. Butter had a calf. All changes. The big one was we changed their feed. Once we changed their feed, all of a sudden the entire herd of Normandes no longer wanted to come into the milking shed and stick their head in the stanchion. I don’t mind so much the ones that we are not milking. But Claire and Buttercup are in milk and have to be milked twice a day. Anyway, we fooled them by putting a bit of sweet feed on top of their nutritional supplement and they are now eating it and getting better about coming into the shed without a lot of hassle. Still some work to do there, but we are making progress. We changed their dairy supplement from a garden variety from Southern States to a non-GMO, non-soy dairy supplement. It’s like a kid that is used to eating McDonald’s and then being switched to organic salad greens. They were pretty petulant. Butter is a different story. She will eat anything you put in front of her and beg for more.

Lambs and Goats

The lambs and goats are doing great. We couldn’t be more pleased with how this group of lambs is progressing. And the goats just keep on keeping on eating weeds and brush that the others won’t touch. They have cleaned up so much around here in the way of small trees that were sprouting, briars, wild blackberry bushes and so on. Good job!!

Creamery

The creamery project has been sitting idle for nearly two weeks. Scott had to fix the bush hog and then mow everything. He built the quail cages for when the little guys get out of the brooder and into their permanent digs. A load of gravel was delivered and he spent quite a bit of time spreading that in the places where erosion and mud was making our lives miserable. A day of digging a trench for drainage out of the milking shed took another day of his time. The days seems to slip by one after another. There is always so much to do and not enough hours in the day.

That update was pretty intense with listing our setbacks on timing. But you know what? We love it and wouldn’t have it any other way. Our lives are filled with purpose and meaning. The geese are strutting around with their gaggles of goslings. The trees are leafing out. The garden is full of all kinds of plants. The calves are a joy to watch as they bask in the sun or galivant around their pasture. We have taken the moment to look at the stars at night in a while. But they are there, waiting for us to enjoy their magnificence.

Our Virginia Life

That brings me to today’s topic. Have you dreamed of living the homestead life? Do you think it is impossible? I want to give you inspiration and share a bit of our journey. It all started in the last century.

The Beginning . . .

Scott and I met in 1999 in western North Carolina. We were two people following similar paths who met and become life-long friends. We apprenticed together at a spiritual training center learning how to teach a meditation technique. This is where we reconnected to our hearts and desire to be close to the land. The dream of our homestead life was born.

During our training we dreamed of a sustainable farm and communal living. We wanted to raise good food as close to nature’s intended way as possible. We knew that experiencing loving relationships with others and soaking up nourishing nature would ultimately help us remember our kinship with God and creation. Two souls had found each other.

Our dream has changed and evolved over time. It continues to evolve. We just took a step and then another and another. Each step clarified our vision. Each step led to the next and sometimes our direction needed to change. So we changed. We continue to take steps and we continue to change.

The first step began 16 years ago and we still don’t have that creamery built. But we love our homestead life and all it brings us.

Buying Land Was the First Step

In the summer of 2003, we bought our first piece of land in southwest Virginia. We rented a mobile home nearby. At this point in our lives we had a great deal of debt: credit cards, school loans, taxes, and now a mortgage. We set out to pay everything off in full. We would have our farm — but we would have it debt-free. We both took on lucrative jobs in Information Technology as the electronic medical records industry kicked off.

Our jobs required extensive travel. We traveled all over the US and to a couple of European countries as well. Every other week we flew home to Virginia to visit our beautiful piece of land.

In 2005 we bought our own mobile home and moved it onto our land. And in the fall, our wedding ceremony took place at the homestead. It was so beautiful. Even though it was November the weather had permitted the leaves to change very slowly. And with very little wind this particular fall, there were many leaves still on the trees. We couldn’t have asked for a more perfect time.

Learning to Produce Food

Our first experience with livestock was raising chickens in the summer of 2006.

The contract we had been working for a couple of years was done. I moved on to a different contract and continued traveling. Scott was done with traveling. He remained on the homestead and built a couple of chicken tractors ala Joel Salatin. He raised, and we processed, around 100 chickens. We ate a lot of them ourselves and gave a lot away to relatives and neighbors. This part of the journey was just a taste to get our feet wet.

Twists and Turns and . . . Texas?

Somewhere along that two-year time period we paid all of our debts in full. The next step along the path was making the money needed for infrastructure.

February 2007 Scott went back to work . . .  in Texas.

I was now traveling to various places around the country every week instead of every other week. I lived in hotels and airports with a too quick Saturday and Sunday at home with Scott. What a far cry from the peaceful life we envisioned. We persevered and dreamed on.

In 2008 we bought an additional 40 acres adjoining our property. We were in debt again. This time for more money than ever before. It’s a good thing that I got to walk around that property occasionally or I might have forgotten exactly why we went into debt again. The “why” had to do with dreaming bigger. We were learning about raising sheep. Still very much a dream at this point . . . we’re still living in Texas. The timeline to move permanently to the homestead kept getting longer. That can happen when you’re dreaming while making good coin.

The constant travel and living out of a suitcase got really old, really fast for me. It was fine when I was traveling with my best friend and awesome life partner. Doing it alone was torture. Within a year I was insisting that Scott get a job closer to home. If I was going to fly home every weekend, I wanted it to be Virginia — not Texas. Scott made it happen.

South Carolina is Closer Than Texas

From the fall of 2008 until December 31, 2016 Scott traveled 6 hours every Sunday evening to Beaufort, South Carolina. A guy by himself doesn’t need much and a travel trailer we purchased for the task was sufficient housing. Every Friday evening, he returned to the homestead in Virginia. Six hours again. He did it alone for the first year and a half. Then I got a job offer . . . just outside of Savannah, Georgia.

We moved the travel trailer to a park halfway between Savannah and Beaufort. It was an hour drive for me and 45 minutes for him. We were completely back together again as a couple.

Then in 2010 I got a job offer at the same hospital where Scott had been working for over two years. I jumped on that like a duck on a June bug. We moved the travel trailer to Beaufort and cut our work commute down to 20 minutes. As we were still driving 6 hours each way, we were actually able to leave a little earlier on Friday as Scott no longer drive backwards 45 minutes to pick me up. We only buying gas for one vehicle. These were small but important steps on our journey.

All of this unconventional living circumstance was worth the huge amount of stress that came with it. After all, we were now back together as a couple. That was great. We were at the homestead every single weekend. That was great. And it was only going to be for a couple of years . . .

Five years later and nearly 12 years into the process, I was stressed beyond my capacity to remain sane. I needed a nest. For the final two years of working in Beaufort, we rented an apartment. Moving from 100 square feet to over 1,000 square feet of living space was just enough nesting happiness to get me through it.

In the end, even that wasn’t enough and we decided to make the leap to full-time homesteaders. That was December 31, 2016. Over 13 years of tiny steps and a couple of giant steps.

Getting that creamery built is the focus of our lives right now. We are over 2 years into that process. The dream keeps going. The dream keeps moving forward.

From Chicken Tractors to Raw Milk Artisan Cheese

Let me back up a little bit and fill in some details of how we grew the farm during this period of time. How did we go from pasture raised chickens to artisan cheese? What the heck happened there? Well, we tried a few different things over the years. In order to succeed as a small homestead farmer, diversity is important. You don’t want to have all of your eggs in one basket. However, having a central core enterprise is also important. So one big basket and lots of smaller baskets was our ideal. This also supports our ideal of living a traditional life where every farming family raised much of their own food in addition to their main crop or livestock enterprise. 

The weekend life allowed us to dabble a bit in a lot of areas. And we read a lot and studied a lot about many areas of interest. We did a lot of trial and error experiments on a small scale. There is so much that can be done on a homestead. Which was going to be the best fit for us? Like a lot of folks, we tried to do too many things at once. Having that central enterprise is the only way to make it.

Early on we were clear that raising the chickens in 2006 was a great learning exercise but not where our hearts were. Having them for eggs and meat for personal use, yes. But not as our central farm enterprise. In 2009 we put in fruit trees. That’s a long-term project that continues to stretch over many years. Also, for personal use at this point, though the orchard will provide a small income at a later date. You know. The date we actually have time to give it attention. 😊

In 2010 we bought a flock of sheep and a donkey as a guardian animal for them. Twelve pregnant ewes and a pregnant donkey. We proceeded along the lines of raising sheep and selling lamb as our centerpiece. We learned a lot over several years. At one point we had over 70 sheep. However, two things happened that prompted us to change our course yet again. An issue arose around raising and marketing lamb. One, we simply didn’t have the land to raise enough livestock to make it profitable – and two, in 2011 something big changed on the homestead. Love crept in, awakened and rapidly altered the farm dream.

I wanted to make my own butter and cheese and I loved drinking raw milk. I still can’t stand the taste of cooked milk. In 2011 we bought cows. With working toward homestead sustainability as part of our mission, we also wanted beef (and pork and chicken and rabbit). And after researching every cow breed under the sun, we settled on the Normande. It’s a dual breed cow. A prolific milk producer as well as producing well-marbled muscle perfectly suited for beef. For more details on these cows, give a listen to the Peaceful Heart FarmCast episode I dedicated to them.

Suffice it to say, I fell in love with these cows. We knew the lamb was not going to produce the income we desired without adding a lot more pasture. Another alternative arose out of the dream. We could build a creamery and make artisan and farmstead cheese. It just happened to coincide with my desire to have more of these cows in my life. To pay for it, how much longer are we going to have to work for someone else? Yes, that’s the decision that drove the planned two years of living in a travel trailer to a full seven years of craziness.

It was so worth it.

Peaceful Heart Farm Creamery is Born

Finally, I’ve gotten to the part of the story where the creamery comes in. It has been a wild and varied journey getting here. But this is the one. We are investing all of our time and energy into becoming a local cheese resource for our community. We will use traditional cheese making techniques to develop our local cheeses. I have two recipes that meet my expectations regarding the product I want to sell . . .  and I have two others that are currently in development. One is failing miserably. Fear not! I will prevail. We are going to produce the best cheddar cheese that Virginia has ever seen! With a slight tweak on the salt, I’m expecting my alpine-style cheese to be a winner this year as well.

The creamery still has a long way to go before passing state inspection. I’ve got a little time to get the cheese right. In the meantime, I’m getting to know you and getting some really good traditional cooking information together for you. If you are buying local food, it pays to know how to prepare it well.

The latest change is the addition of the herdshare program. We became aware of this need some time ago for offering herdshares to our fellow Virginians. Not everyone wants to live this life but they want the benefit of the great food that it produces. One of those great foods is milk from pasture-raised cows. If you’ve been following me, you’ve heard me talk about this before. You can own a piece of a grassfed dairy herd. We provide the land, animals and labor so you don’t have to do that part.

We purchased a lovely Jersey cow from a fellow Farmer’s Market vendor. She has had her calf and is now producing wonderful A2A2 milk. We are offering milk and/or yogurt (full fat or low fat with honey) during the summer months, May through October. November through April cheese and butter will come out of the herdshare. During times of abundance in the summer you may find yourself with a little extra product. Your herd sometimes produces a LOT of milk. And at other times not so much.

What Else?

At some point we added cashmere goats to our livestock. I’m a big knitter and dream of using only 100% cashmere. More and more my skepticism that I will ever reach that goal increases. You can only do so much! For now, they keep our pastures clear of brambles and provide us with some really great nutrition. But their days are numbered. You remember what I talked about earlier? There are only so many hours in a day. So, dream big but keep in mind that at some point, likely you will have to trim it back a little.

At the present time on the homestead, the only food we don’t produce is eggs (and coffee). That situation will be rectified in the next few months. I believe I’ve mentioned before that Scott doesn’t have the time to invest in building elaborate chicken housing and protection. His priority is getting that creamery functional. Instead, we’ve opted for quail. This is 99% my project. Scott will build a couple of cages that will likely take no more than a day or two to complete. The rest is all on me.

With the addition of the quail, all of our food will now be produced on the homestead. We spend hours and hours working, sweating and loving every minute of our life.

We are meeting new people just like you at the Wytheville Farmer’s Market. Come see us on Saturdays 8am to 12 noon. Taste our grass-fed beef, lamb, and goat. Talk to us about your interest in a herdshare and taste our yogurt. There are lots of other great vendors there as well. And remember, you can come directly to the farm on Tuesday mornings 10am to 12 noon or Saturday afternoons from 3pm to 5pm. Call for directions. We’d love to help you get here.

Greek Seasoned Ground Meat Medley with (optional) Yogurt or Sour Cream

This recipe is for my Keto and carnivore friends and listeners. If you have a traditional, diversified farm with all kinds of ruminant animals, this recipe is for you. Or if you are shopping at your local farmer’s market for a variety of grass-fed meats, this recipe is for you. It calls for one pound each of beef, lamb and chev or goat, but you can use any combination of these meats. Or you could divide the ingredients by three and only use 1 lb.

What You Need

1 lb ground beef

1 lb ground lamb

1 lb ground chev (goat)

3 tablespoon butter

Spice Mix

3 teaspoons garlic, minced

1 ½ teaspoon dried oregano

1 ½ teaspoon dried basil

1 ½ teaspoon dried rosemary

1 ½ teaspoon dried thyme

¾ teaspoon ground nutmeg

3 teaspoons salt (less is fine)

3 teaspoons ground pepper

¾ cup water

What To Do

Brown ground meats until fully cooked

Drain pan drippings and add butter (this is actually optional but worth it)

Mix in spices and water

Simmer 5 to 10 minutes

Serve with yogurt or sour cream

Final Thoughts

I hope you found some inspiration to follow your dreams whatever they may be. By continually putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there. Keep the vision in front of you and keep plugging away. Start as small as you need to and build a little each day. It doesn’t matter how long it takes or what route you follow. It really doesn’t. It is all about the journey. You will never reach your destination because there is always another dream in the making. It’s all about the journey and living each day to the fullest. Go for it!

If you enjoyed this podcast, please hop over to Apple Podcasts and give me a 5-star rating and review. Also, we’d really love it if you shared it with any friends or family who might be interested in this type of content.

As always, I’m here to help you “taste the traditional touch.”

Thank you so much for stopping by the homestead and until next time, may God fill your life with grace and peace.

Recipe Link

Greek Seasoned Ground Meat Medley with (optional) Yogurt or Sour Cream

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NEW!! Peaceful Heart FarmCast Episode. Enjoy!!

[sophdlpaz]

LIVE

Three weeks ago, two good friends of mine passed away.

Zharmai was my first bestfriend in St. Scho. We were classmates from Grade 1-5 and we were inseparable during those times, almost literally. We were always together during break time, we were always next to each other in our lines. We had common clubs together. 

She lived in San Mateo and at that time, there weren’t any landlines yet in their area. When my dad had that ice shaver-looking cellphone, I always asked for his permission to use it so I can call Zhai. There were a few times when I got to go to their house, of course with my mom (I just can’t recall the occasion). Feeling ko kasi sobrang layo na ng bahay niya kaya paminsan-minsan lang ako makapunta. 

We kind of drifted apart in high school, probably because we didn’t belong to the same sections anymore (except in 4th year). We had different sets of friends/barkadas but we remained to be good friends. I do remember inviting her at my house when I celebrated my 14th birthday. She managed to mingle with my new barkada and we even had studio pics taken together. (We went to Robinsons Metro East after having our meal at home.) She was even the one who encouraged me to join the Glee Club on our last year (and fortunately, I was accepted, even got in the core group, represented the school in a competition, and won).

Zhai was like a perfect package of talent and wit. I can recall waiting for her in Gate 1 while she took her piano lessons across the street. She also had been associated with Glee Club ever since. And she won the graduation song writing contest (of course, we sang her song during our HS graduation). She managed to be always one of the top students in class. I remember we were 2 of the 5 students selected for a Math training or something when we were in Grade 4 or 5, haha. What the eff, nerds haha. And she was always elected as the president of her class when we were in HS. Fast forward, Zhai successfully became a lawyer and I heard she took high-profile cases. She had almost everything!

On top of that, she had been a great friend. I can’t recall a major fight that we had when we were young. We didn’t have like a pet name or something but when we grew older, we decided to call each other “poop”, I don’t know why, hahaha. Very classy, right? Hahaha. I also remember, she was our designated make-up artist in Glee Club when we were already doing the competition. And just recently, I was able to consult her for some legal stuff before she had her Euro trip.

After that trip, she got sick and eventually diagnosed with leukemia. Her doctor and family already came up with her treatment plan. Everything was like under control. She was still fine when she was confined until her throat got constricted; she had trouble breathing. She needed to be sedated so she can be intubated. She was transferred to the ICU. She had five cardiac arrests. Three days after knowing about her illness, Zhai died.

Mares was one of my kabarkadas in Kadacingko (yeah, we had that clingy phase, even naming our barkada haha.) (Kadacingko because our anniversary is November 5 hahaha, get it? We had a barkada name, a barkada notebook where we wrote to update each of us about our lives haha, and a barkada bag that each of us should use for a week). Our whole barkada was formed in our first year class (I - St. Rose of Lima). I don’t really remember the time when we just decided to hang out with each other, haha. But I do know we were all groupmates for a certain English play project. The portrayal of the life of San Lorenzo Ruiz was assigned to us and we had to have practices even on weekends. But the most memorable rehearsal we had was in Kish’s house (That was when I met my first boyfriend. Anywaaaaaayyyy...) Since then, we were always together. There’s this small mall across our school (We call it S’Mall, witty right?) and we go there just to hang out in Mcdo. Actually, we weren’t allowed to go there in our uniforms but we were badass like that. (Weird lang kasi oorder lang kami ng same food and just sit there. But that’s how we defined “tambay” that time.) 

I also remember making Mares as my “messenger”, hahahaha shet. She lived in the same village as my then-boyfriend and since we couldn’t see each other often (bawal pa kong magboyfriend that time, pasaway haha), we wrote letters to each other, what the fuck hahaha. And so I asked Mares the favor to hand my letters to him and v.v. Mares was so supportive, right? Hahaha.

Mares went to La Salle and I to ADMU in college. The whole barkada didn’t have time to see each other during these years but I do remember Mares teasing me in her Friendster testimonial that I will be her COO when she becomes the CEO/Chairman of her own company. We rarely talked to each other but she still managed to bully me hahaha (because we went to rival schools).

Mares and I weren’t really that close in the barkada. I mean, we were a lot in the group so you get to be closer to just at least one of them. Pero siya karamay ko sa mga kalokohan. I remember it was just the two of us who got ear bridge piercings but we had to remove them when we were in school because bawal. When we had our vacation in Pangasinan when Elaine went home from US, we drank liquor like it was water. We had fun caving adventures and cliff divings. She was like the epitome of YOLO x Young, Wild, and Free. She was really carefree at that time.

Then on the year of 2013, Mei, Mares, Wyn, and I went to Eastwood to hang out and have dinner. That was the time when Mares mentioned that she was feeling something bulging on her neck. We told her to have it checked. A few months after, Kish, Kish’s then-partner, Mares, and I went to have drinks. Mares was already wearing a scarf that time. The bulge became bigger and Kish (med student that time) said that it was inflammed. We didn’t think that it was a big of a deal. We were even planning our next Young, Wild, and Free session. Then she dropped the bomb a few days after. She messaged us on Twitter that she was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. But she said that it’s the curable type so there’s nothing to be worried about.

Mares had this 180-degree turn in her life. She became more spiritually addicted. When I was suffering from depression in  2013-2014, she never “left” me. She was making me strong spiritually; she let me hold on to her and to God. That was when my friendship with Mares became deeper. She then invited me to join The Feast and that was when my life changed altogether. Even if she was sick, she managed to attend sessions with me, served in a couple of the ministries there. She was just too spiritually pumped up. In 2014 or early 2015, our prayers were answered; she had partial remission. 

November 2015, I was attending the Kerygma Conference and at that time, Mares just got home from her trip to Japan. She told me that she was coughing with blood. I told Kish (already a doctor at that time) about it and she said that wasn’t a good sign. It turned out that she had a relapse; her tumor became bigger, affecting her lungs. She went through chemo sessions but the tumor was really aggressive. I remember she was advised by the doctor to take another round of chemo with higher dosage of meds but she declined. She took alternative treatments; she just didn’t want to give up, she wanted to be well. Starting 2016, she was in and out of the hospital. She had several debridement operations for her chest wound. She always had difficulties in breathing. There was this time, I think that was August or September in 2017 when I visited her in the hospital with Wyn. I let her speak to Kish on the phone. Afterwards, I asked Kish about her thoughts and she gave Mares about two more months to live. She fought and stayed a bit more. That’s how strong and brave Mares was.

On the night of October 21, I got a call from Jyl, one of my Glee clubmates in HS. We haven’t talked to each other for a long time so I found it odd. She told me about Zhai and we agreed to visit her when Zhai’s condition becomes stable. After three hours, she called me again but since I was already sleeping, I missed her call. I got my phone and read a message from Mares’ ate saying that she passed away. I forgot to give a return call to Jyl because I was already grieving on Mares’ death but she messaged to tell me that Zhai also passed away. I felt like I was splashed with ice cold water on my face. I just didn’t know what to feel anymore at that time. What the fuck, really, I just lost two friends in one night?! I was like, “REALLY GOD?! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?”

And maybe the message that God was trying to relay to me was: LIVE.

Take care of your body. I realized the value of healthy eating and exercise even more. I know I owe myself and my family good health. Everything sounds cliche but it pays to have that kind of discipline. I take so much effort to undergo IF and take regular runs and workouts. As much as possible, I resist taking sodas, sweets, instant food, and fastfood. I still wanna bear a child (if God permits) and have enough strength to carry him/her. I still wanna work for my family. I need to have that same level of energy as I take more loads of work (full time + part time combined). I don't want to be a burden to my family; I don't want them to incur so much costs if I acquire a major illness. I still wanna live longer.

Take care of your heart. What happened to Mares hit our whole barkada really hard. Most of my kabarkadas are doctors and nurses and it's really difficult for us to find time to meet. And while we don't get to see each other, we drifted apart even more. It was only Mares (and her condition) that was like binding us. Then Wyn left this message in our group chat, "Give time for each other no matter what." And I totally agree. It also hit me hard as an ate and daughter because I rarely make time for my family to like really bond. I usually go out or sleep, having less interaction with them. I would reason out that my work is too tiring and that I need some time off outside or some rest. But thinking about it, why am I not making time for the very reasons why I'm working my ass off? Everything will be completely nonsense. I usually make time for my friends but I must also make sure that I spend some of my time too with my family.

Take care of your mind and soul. I was really having a depressive mood that time. On that particular Sunday, I just stayed in, didn’t serve in Sunday school and didn’t hear mass. I didn’t have the energy to give my best at work that week. But then, I was like, what the fuck?! Mares and Zhai were both struggling to breathe and live a bit longer while I was sulking in thoughts resulted from too much negative thinking, making me more depressed. I was fucking wasting my days away. More bad stuff continued to rattle me after their death. I took time to absorb and cried over them. I know people said it's okay to not be okay sometimes but I think I had too much of that already. I needed to pick myself up. I have to be mentally tough or else I may not survive another day. I went back to God, said a major apology prayer for drifting so far away from Him. I didn't have Mares anymore to share my fears so I knew I had no choice but to turn to Him again. Even though I still feel sad, I can feel that my heart is at peace because I know I made better decisions now for myself.

As they say, life's fucking tough. But I've proven so many times that I'm tougher. I can't waste another day. I have to live.