#(not from the UK so my options are LIMITED)

[ensignextra]

i NEED to watch the 8th Doctor's movie because HELLO?? HIS TARDIS DESIGN LOOKS SO COZY?!?

AND PAUL MCGANN LOOKS STRAIGHT OUT OF AN AUSTEN NOVEL??

I DONT KNOW THE AESTHETIC THEY WERE TRYING TO CULTIVATE BUT THEY CULTIVATED IT AND I LOVE IT?!?

[senlinyu]

I'm excited to announce that I have signed a book deal with Del Rey at Penguin Random House in the US and Michael Joseph in the UK for my debut novel, Alchemised, a standalone dark fantasy set in a war-torn world of necromancy and alchemy, in which a healer with amnesia is taken as a prisoner of war and must fight to protect her lost memories and the secrets hidden among them. It will grapple with themes of trauma and survival, legacy, and the way that love can drive one to extreme darkness, and it is, as you may be able to tell, a reimagined version of Manacled.

I know I’ve been rather quiet about my publishing journey, and a lot of that has been because I didn’t want to spark any concerns or worry that I might be abruptly taking away a story that is such a deep part of myself and that I know has meant so much to so many people. This process has unfolded very slowly and quietly because I have tried to be mindful as I could be in every step of the way. 

As most of you know, I have been a reader in fandom long before I ever began to write. Fanfiction is incredibly special to me, and I have tried to do my best not to undermine its legal protection or allow my works to do so either. During the last several years, there has been a growing issue with illegal sales of Manacled, putting both me and the incredible community that shares fanfiction freely in legal jeopardy. 

After consulting with the OTW as well as other lawyers, it has grown clear that as a transformative writer I have limited options in protecting my stories from this kind of exploitation, but I wasn’t sure what to do; I didn’t want to just take the story down, in part because I worried that might only exacerbate the issue, but I didn’t know what other options I had. Then I suddenly had this idea of alchemy, which was peculiarly appropriate; an academic world filled with unique transmutational abilities, and a necromantic war against people who had discovered the secrets of immortality, and I could see a path to reimagining the story while still holding on to as much of the original spirit of Manacled as possible. 

I began redrafting the concept privately around Christmas 2022, and then as if the universe had aligned, just as I was finishing, Caitlin Mahony and Rivka Bergman of WME reached out to me and were delightfully enthusiastic about concepts and ideas for my new alchemical world and the ways I had reimagined the story. 

I'm thrilled to be working with Emily Archbold, my visionary editor at Del Rey, along with Rebecca Hilsdon at Michael Joseph in the UK, to polish this novel for publication in Fall 2025. I feel uniquely privileged that both my publishing teams are familiar with Manacled and understand how special it is to so many people, and how important it is that this reimagining captures the same spirit while also having its own wings. 

Manacled is not going anywhere at present. It will remain online throughout 2024, at which point it will, if you’ll pardon the pun, alchemise for 2025 and be removed from AO3. 

I'm so thankful to all of you who've enjoyed my works, and I hope that I can continue to rely on your support as I take my next steps as an author.

[felassan]

Snippets. 🐺💜

For Game Informer’s July 17th DA:TV article, "BioWare On Returning To The Dragon Age Series, 10 Years After Inquisition", the article is still titled as such on its own page, but it looks like on the GI DA:TV Hub page its listing was updated to "Dragon Age: The Veilguard Is 'Respectful And Referential' To Previous Games Without Making Them Mandatory"

[previous comment for context - Brenon: "we do have "decision saves" before big choice moments, but there are still a bunch that depend on a whole mess of stuff you've done earler...so yeah...RIP"]. Derek on this: "Choice and consequence, baby." [source]

[context: DA official Twitter's news about what's coming in August] Derek: "Buckle up!" [source]

Bryony Corrigan (Rook) on the strike: "I care a lot about this game! @/dragonage. Gutted we are unable to speak more about the game for now but absolutely in solidarity with actors in the US. I hope @/EquityUK are also fighting for better protection against AI clauses in the UK too…!" [source]

Matt Rhodes recently wrote to his mailing list that "The project I’ve been working on for many years is nearing completion. In my rare free moments, I’ve been starting to organize concept art to start posting after the game ships." [source] So it sounds like DA:TV is nearing completion and that he will be posting DA:TV concept art that he created after release. [This] is the link to his website where you can view his art, including some existing DA:TV and previous DA game concept art. If you click the envelope symbol on this page, that's how you can subscribe to the mailing list

from Community Councilmember Ladyinsanity - Lucanis x Rook apparently might be an "angst pairing" and there's maybe another one of these in the game also...? 👀 [source]

A user mentioned that they aren't keen on the word "roadmap". Michael Gamble explained: "all it means is a list of cool things you can expect to see us showing." [source]

Bellara's family name Lutare wasn't recently changed as some users wondered, it was Lutare at least a year ago during development. It seems it was just mis-printed or mis-reported in the GI coverage [source]

This article describes DA:TV as the most beautiful game the writer saw at SGF. It says the prologue is dated 9 years after DA:I. "Varric isn’t a ginger so much as a grizzled gray fox now". On Solas, he "wants to tear down the Veil that separates Thedas from the world of demons, restoring his people’s immortality and glory and sacrificing thousands in the process. But when his ritual goes awry, two of his most ancient and powerful adversaries are released. They seek only to finish what they started millennia ago – the complete and utter domination of our world." The game moves quite seamlessly from action to cutscene, and in the prologue "every cutscene is clearly building toward something larger". Position matters in combat. There is an accessibility option which involves the path-tracing of enemies' ranged attacks. At the beginning of the demo, the devs mentioned that they thought about the way different lighting affects your character. " The animations associated with combat are complex for one reason: responsive character features." CC has "inclusion of thick curly hair and capturing the tightly curled texture of Black hairstyles and natural hair", customizable shoulder-width and "a much-welcomed broad spectrum of skin tones—capturing both cool and warm undertones of both white and brown skin". The article highlighted the fluid movement of cloth. The writer also said, "I’m sure other Summer Game Fest previews will have a lot to say on the evolving relationship between Varric and Solas". [source] ((I don't remember seeing this article til now, it's from June though so I either missed it or have seen it and forgotten. also I don't know how accurate it is but the writer was one of the attendees of the DA:TV demo at SGF))

[character limit text break!]

Malcolm: "When I joined DA:Ve I was really hoping there'd be a romanceable dwarf companion and boy howdy did that come true. Harding is ☀️delightful☀️" [source]

[context: this Tumblr post of some neat art] Malcolm: "This is amazing and I fully went "oh wow that really sounds like Emmrich" before remembering that Nick Boraine is in fact a entire human person." [source]

User: "Speaking of Stalker, as a player the description of Bellara and Veil Jumper i've heard so far, alongside their exploration of Arlathan, somehow reminds me of Clear Sky and Chornobyl in Stalker series..." John Epler: "great eye! roadside picnic, Annihilation and STALKER were all absolutely inspirations" [source]

John Epler: "time to slowly make my way home after an awesome 4 days. thanks for an amazing experience to everyone who was a part of it. back to work." [source]

User: "We know there are returning characters in The Veilguard, so my question is: How would you and the rest of the writers go about writing a returning character who was originally primarily written by a writer who is no longer at the studio? What is the process?" Trick Weekes: "1. Watch videos to get the performance, how the character speaks. 2. Don’t try to replicate the character exactly. Allow them to have grown. Morrigan in DAI wasn’t Morrigan in DAO. She’d grown up. 3. Trust Character Art and Performance/VO. As soon as Morrigan walks in and talks in DAI, it works." [source]

Ali Hillis (Harding) on Twitter: "@dragonage @/bioware @/BioWarePulse @/ea #/DragonAge #/SDCC #/SDCC2024 FOLLOW ON INSTA FOR MORE!" [source]

Alex Jordan (Rook): "To all the D&D loving Dragon Age fans out there, let me tell you about my D&D group, made up of faces from the games industry! Including the voices of Geralt from The Witcher, Clive from Final Fantasy XVI, and Noah from Xenoblade! We are ⁦@/NaturalSix ⁩#/DragonAge" [source]

Erika Ishii (Rook): "Grateful I got to spend SDCC celebrating my roles in 2 games I love. Thank you to the devs (including laid-off workers who deserve full credit!), my friends, and the community. This is the last you’ll hear from me about my games from struck companies until they sign an interim agreement or the strike is won. Keep playing games, but share info from the union and let people know we’re taking a stand for all creatives. See you on the other side! ✊����🎮" [source]

Jeff Berg (Rook): "Damn, I love making video games. It’s like the perfect blending of theatre on film, where an actor is encouraged to collaborate and let their imaginations soar. And damn, do I ever love the incredible support from the fans of this incredible medium. Unfortunately, we’re in a time of upheaval in the industry. So let me make it perfectly clear: Video game performers deserve fair wages, safe working conditions and A.I. protections. I call on the employers to #/LevelUpTheContract. Guys, this is no single player game. We need you on our team. #/SagAftraStrong #/VideoGameStrike". Text in the accompanying video reads “Video game performers are stuck in a grind. AI is stealing voices, and companies are hoarding profits. The future of voiceover and performance capture artists is at stake. But out fight isn’t single-player. Whether you’re a gamer, a fan, a performer, a labor ally, or just someone believes in fairness. Keep video games people powered. We need you on our team. Video game companies must offer AI protections to ALL video game performers. Join me and show your support for those who bring our favorite games to life.” [source]

Jessica Clark (Neve): "Aaah a true bucket list moment!! Thrilled to play Neve Gallus a Private Investigator & one of the companions in the upcoming DragonAge The Veilguard Video Game!! We are appearing at the San Diego Comic Con as we speak!! With so much thanks & appreciation for the most fantastic team @/bioware & inspiring fellow cast members including (not limited to) @/missalihillis @/nickboraine @/zach.mendez @/jeffberg1 & more 🙏🏽 Draon Age The Veilguard releases this Fall 2024 & from what I've seen... It's truly epic!! You will love it & yes, it's worth the wait. (SAG-AFTRA issued us a specific window to promote & celebrate at Comic Con & from Sunday night onwards we will all be joining our fellow actors in the picket line for the Video Game Strike)." Text in the accompanying video reads "I’ve wanted to share this for so long! Thrilled to reveal that I play Neve Gallus in the upcoming Dragon Age The Veilguard!! Appearing at Comic Con San Diego as we speak” [source]

[source]

Jessica: "Last night's Comic Con San Diego's Fandom red carpet celebrating Dragon Age The Veilguard! Releasing this Fall 2024!!" [source]

Zach Mendez (Lucanis): "A truly amazing first day of SD Comic Con at the @/dragonagegame poster signing at @/darkhorsecomics booth. Thank you to the fans who made my first con unforgettable #/sdcc /#sdcomiccon #/dragonage #/darkhorsecomics #/lucanisdellamorte #/voiceacting #/bioware #/eagames #/theveilguard #/babysfirstcon" [source]

Zach: "Dragon Age. Dancing. Derulo. Thanks @/fandom for a killer party" [source]

Nick Boraine (Emmrich): "Thank you @/bioware @/ea and @/comic_con - had an incredible time! #/dragonage #/theveilgaurd #/emmrichvolkarin @/zach.mendez @/missalihillis @/thejessicaroseclark - can’t wait for the fall release date." [source]

Ali: "Honored and thrilled to have been a part of another epic @/bioware story w @/ea . Thanks from the bottom of my heart to the whole team! We worked hard, and put our all into this one. Can’t wait to see you all at #/sdcc2024 this week to celebrate @/dragonagegame #/dragonageveilguard" [source]

Ali: "1st day of San Diego Comic Con 2024 !! The lines were long and the signings so much fun! Met some really nice fans, hung out w dragon age performance director @/ashley___barlow , companions @/thejessicaroseclark @/zach.mendez & Nick Boraine . So SO grateful for this #/dragonageveilguard family!" [source]

Ali: "I love every one of these people. There, I said it! What a warm welcome we received! Thanks to ALL! For EVERYTHING!" [source]

Ali on SDCC: "Gooooooood times. ❤️" [source]

Here is a 'behind the scenes at the DA:TV SDCC panel' photo -

[source]

Here is a photo of Erika Ishii with Rook's blue knife -

[source]

Here is an excerpt from Brianne Battye's website:

Text reads: "Dragon Age: The Veilguard Defy the gods. Rise as Rook, Dragon Age’s newest hero. Be who you want to be and play how you want to play as you fight back and lead your team of seven companions, each with their own rich story. Together, you will become the Veilguard. Coming soon From EA/BioWare. I was responsible for a companion story arc, significant side characters, faction content, exploration content, and helping develop and expand worldbuilding lore."

[source]

Also, last year Zach Mendez (Lucanis) made a prior podcast appearance:

Zach: "I was lucky enough over the pandemic to have just hit a really nice commercial, and then I got this beautiful job on a video game where I was doing motion capture. Motion capture? Okay, so you put on this leotard, this black suit, and those little dots on, and you do all the motion for a video game, and you get to do the voice, and they put all these black lines on your face, so they capture your performance and whatnot. And so I was doing that and had some commercial money, so throughout the pandemic, for the past few years, I’ve just been getting to live off acting, which is great." -- Zach: "[Voiceover is] what I'm working on right now." -- Zach: "My father's from Spain." -- Zach: "I'm currently working on a video game, I can't say which video game." "It is a big one, it's not a big deal, it's a big one, I'm one of the main characters, it's not that big a deal." The interviewer asked about how acting in video games works. "Somebody's giving some performance that of course, they layer on imaging afterwards, like in graphics, right? But you're giving facial expressions, that's what gives it the reality, that's what I find so fascinating about motion capture, is that, you get to give big performances, because you're playing these crazy characters in crazy situations, and a lot of your performance is coming through in the final product which is, just gets me excited about the future of things about all the different ways. It's my voice, a lot of my facial features, I voice, I think, one or two characters in this game."

[source (dated ~a year ago. source link isn’t work-appropriate. I don’t recommend the podcast)]

[flowercrowncrip]

I saw someone on TikTok suggesting able bodied people go to protests using second hand heavy powerchairs to use as some kind of weapon against police???

And as a full time powerchair user uh… don’t fucking do this?

For starters, if this “tactic” becomes popular (which it won’t because it’s a terrible idea, but IF it did) you’re just giving the police an excuse to harass powerchair users just for existing near a protest. Don’t do that.

And then there is the fact you’ll be taking resources away from disabled people is bad. The person in the video said not to take chairs that were usable for disabled people, but able bodied people have no right or technical skills to decide when a chair is useful. Even a dangerous chair might be an emergency option for someone who needs to get to the doctors while their chair is being repaired.

And then there’s practical things like how you’ll get to whatever protest you’re going to without taking resources from disabled people. Walking across town? Good luck with your second hand chairs crappy batteries. Are you driving? You’ll need a specially adapted van to transport a large powerchair. Don’t have one of those? Wheelchair accessible taxis are really limited in most places. Public transport? Again Wheelchair spaces are in short supply. Don’t be the Ass hole who means a genuinely disabled person can’t get a taxi, bus or train.

But also… You have no idea how to safely handle a large powerchair. Especially in a crowd. I’ve been using a powerchair for all of my independent movement inside and outside for about six or seven years now and am very competent. And even I find manoeuvring in crowds incredibly difficult. People are unpredictable, potholes mean you have to take a different route to the crowd, if someone steps back towards you, how will you react?

My dad who handles my chair semi regularly cannot drive it at anything like full speed if he wants to go in a straight line. If your first time driving a powerchair is at a busy crowded protest, (and especially if you are using it as a weapon!) then you are putting everyone around you at risk, including yourself.

Plus, in the UK at least, it’s illegal to use a powerchair or mobility scooter if you aren’t injured or disabled (unless you’re taking it for repair, delivering it to a user or delivering training) so this is something you can get in trouble for even if you miraculously manage not to injure someone.

[nyerus]

Guide to Watch TGCF Donghua Season 2

With the new season of the Tian Guan Ci Fu/Heaven Official's Blessing donghua finally releasing soon, I wanted to make a post explaining the different ways fans can watch and support it! Things have changed since season 1, so my old guide is no longer relevant apart from the infographics on how to subscribe to Bilibili CN (and the YouTube channel)!

And to be upfront: the main sites that are going to be broadcasting the donghua have been very sparse with information. I fully expect that we will have to wait until after the first episode releases to know all the details, so while I am making this guide to help people right now, things might change! Please keep that in mind and stay patient! I will post any important updates in the replies as I can!

Additionally, because of copyright/licensing, different sites are going to work in different regions. I do not know with 100% certainty what is going to work in a particular country. There's gonna be some trial and error!

So the main options we have for season 2 are:

Crunchyroll

Sub price: $9.99 USD per month for basic (local prices may vary)

Regions: Americas, Europe, Africa, Middle East, Oceania.

Pros: Easy to subscribe to if available in your region.

Cons: Unlikely for true simulcast so it'll be a bit delayed.

Link to main site (season 2 listing not up yet)

For app: download via App Store/Google Play Store.

Bilibili. tv (EN site/app)

Sub price: $4.99 USD per month (local prices may vary)

Regions: Southeast Asia only.

Pros: Airs earlier than Crunchyroll. Interface is in English.

Cons: If you want to watch it outside of SEA, you'll need a VPN.

Link to Season 2 on website

For app: download via APK link on website if you are outside of SEA. Otherwise use App Store/Google Play Store.

Bilibili YouTube Channel

Sub price: $4.99/$5.99 USD per month (local prices may vary)

Regions: Many -- EXCEPT Japan, South Korea, the Americas, UK, Australia, New Zealand.

Pros: Easy to subscribe if available in your region.

Cons: If you want to watch it from the regions listed above, you'll need a VPN.

Link to channel

It's the youtube app....

Bilibili. com (CN site/app)

Sub price: $9.99 USD for 3 months

Regions: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Pros: If they're gonna air season 2, then they might be the source broadcast if the EN site isn't. Also probably cheapest for those abroad.

Cons: Chinese interface may be intimidating. Not 100% sure if it'll air as normal.

Link to Season 2 on website

For app: download via App Store/Google Play Store.

(NOTE: If you are in Japan, it will be available on WOWOW. If you are in South Korea, it will be available on Laftel.)

F.A.Q.s

🔹What is the release date/time? Bilibili EN has announced it as 20:00 GMT+8 on October 18th. If it releases on Bilibili CN, it'll probably be the same time. Crunchyroll has stated October 18th, but has not yet announced a time as of the posting this guide. I checked. Japan and South Korea have their own release times, so please consult the relevant broadcasters!

🔹Can I watch it on Netflix/Amazon Prime/etc? These streaming services will likely only have it after the whole season concludes, and with a significant delay. For reference, it took several months after finishing for season 1 to be released on Netflix.

🔹Which platform should I choose? Whichever one you can actually access, and feel most comfortable using!

🔹When should I subscribe? Personally, I'll be waiting until the last day before release, just to make sure I have the most information possible. However, I'm sure the idea of doing that makes many people nervous, so... yeah. Whenever is convenient for you!

🔹Which one will have the donghua the quickest/earliest? Probably Bilibili CN & Bilibili EN. I suspect they'll simulcast with each other. I cannot be 100% certain about anything though, because of limited info! For season 1, YouTube and Funimation (now Crunchyroll) were delayed, and it's hard to say if they'll be better this time or not.

🔹Do I need a VPN for Bilibili EN or their YT channel? If you are outside of SEA, yes.

🔹Do I need a VPN for Bilibili CN? Probably not, unless you are in a country that restricts access to CN sites and apps (like India).

🔹Which VPN should I use? This will be up to you! It's best to research what the different options are, and what will work for your needs!

🔹How will I know I'll be able to watch season 2 from my region? The most surefire way is to subscribe to a platform that has officially announced to be serving your region (e.g. Crunchyroll for the Americas). Unofficially, if you can watch the latest trailer and other promo videos on your chosen platform, then there's a good chance you're okay! The exception to this is the YouTube channel, which has some of the trailers public, but has all of season 1 unavailable if you aren't in the right region.... Additionally, be mindful, because even if you're able to see season 1, season 2 might still be region-locked on certain platforms. (E.g. you can watch all of season 1 via Bilibili EN if you're from the USA no problem. But you can't access season 2 without a VPN to a SEA server.)

🔹What languages are going to be available and will there be English subtitles? While dubs for multiple languages have been confirmed, I'm unsure if any of these will be available on release. It'll likely be offered only in Chinese first. For season 1, there were hardcoded CN & EN subtitles for Bilibili on release. Funimation re-subbed the episodes (EN) for their own release, and Crunchyroll will probably do the same.

🔹I watched it on Funimation last time, can I watch it through them this time? No, they were absorbed (in some capacity idk) by Crunchyroll. So they are not distributing season 2 of TGCF, only Crunchyroll is.

🔹Is season 2 actually available in China and thus on Bilibili CN? Yes and no! As long as you are not in mainland China, it seems you will have access to season 2 through Bilibili CN. All promo materials and trailers seem to be available to us, which is a good sign! (They are not available for mainlanders, but mainland fans are able to watch via HK/Macau versions apparently.)

🔹Hopeful that it will be available, I would like to watch it via Bilibili CN, so how do I sign up and subscribe? To make an account, consult this reddit post. To subscribe, please consult the guide below! It's a little old (made it for season 1) but still works pretty much the same.

[emmashouldbewriting]

I'm trying to find the announcement of his deal for what rights were sold, but it's buried now with this news (so if you have it, do a girl a favour)

I'm a professional googler (i.e., a research librarian) and here's what I found.

The Daily Express has an article from July 2022 about the book that included the tweet Omid posted announcing it: "I can finally share that I'm working on a BRAND NEW BOOK!! So excited to be working again with Carrie Thornton at @deystreet @harpercollins (US) and MsLisaMilton at @hqstories."

(link: https://www.express.co.uk/news/royal/1648213/Meghan-Markle-Prince-Harry-book-omid-scobie-biography)

Next, when I searched for Scobie and Harper Collins together specifically, I found an article that talked some about the deal: "Scobie sold world English rights to a currently untitled book, set for 2023, to Carrie Thornton at Dey Street. Albert Lee at United Talent Agency brokered the deal on behalf of Scobie." The article's source is the August 2022 Publisher's Weekly announcement (linked within).

(article link: https://meaww.com/omid-scobie-all-set-to-write-new-book-about-meghan-markle-prince-harry-released-in-the-year-202)

Next I looked up everyone these articles ID'd.

Carrie Thornton and Dey Street (which is an imprint of Harper Collins) also published Finding Freedom. Dey Street has the North American's publishing rights.

Lisa Milton is the publishing agent for the UK and Commonwealth rights. (https://www.thebookseller.com/rights/hq-snaps-up-scobies-book-on-the-monarchys-fight-for-survival)

Albert Lee is a literary agent based in NYC. Before becoming a literary agent, he was an editor and a journalist. I think he was also instrumental in publishing Finding Freedom but I haven't been able to find confirmation.

I did try to search for Omid Scobie and Xander, limiting the date range from July 2022 to October 2023 (to exclude this week's tsnuami) but all the search results came back in Dutch, which I don't speak.

well well well, thank youuuuu my darling! let's have a lil Emma publishing lesson, shall we?! disclaimer: this applies only to selling rights for an English book to an English-speaking country, but I often sell my translation rights for my self-pubbed books so I'm used to this.

Publishers will take one of two options: World English, or World Rights. World English is what it says on the tin: English language rights, usually split between US and UK/Commonwealth. With this, you handle foreign translations yourself, although publishers will work together. World Rights is the whole shebang, including translations - when it's this, the publisher then shops around for translations and whatever the foreign publisher pays for it comes off your advance.

World English Rights means he sold just English and held on to foreign translation rights. Dey Street would have then sold the UK/Commonwealth rights to Harlequin, but Scobie's agent would have shopped the translation rights.

Which means Harlequin did not send the manuscript to Xander. Omid Scobie's agent did... and his agent would have sent the manuscript Omid Scobie provided as a final copy for translation.

[gorogues]

howdy!! was wondering what your favourite tv or movie adaptations for each rogue are? although material is limited for most of them… i was wondering what shows/movies did them right!!

Hi! As usual, I'm typically too indecisive to pick just one, especially if they've got a lot of good adaptions.

Len - With Len, I'm very torn between Justice League Unlimited, the CWverse, and Batman: The Brave and the Bold. He's got a lot of good appearances, though he's in so much that there's a lot of stuff that isn't great too.

Lisa - I'm also torn between the Harleyverse and CW Flash, because they're two very different takes on her. The Harleyverse (specifically the Kite Man series) is much more true to her comics self and it's great fun for that reason, but I also enjoyed the practical down-to-earth live action version. I think I'll go with the Harleyverse because she's more fun, even though I'm sorry we rarely see her interacting with Rogues (just her brother on occasion).

Sam - Justice League Unlimited is my choice, though he was great on The Batman too. (And then there's Super Friends, which has the distinction of creating the Mirrorverse. Definitely not his best adaptation, but very memorable.)

Evan - Batman: The Brave and the Bold, even in spite of the ridiculous accent. He even has the tooth gap!

Roscoe - There are very few options, so I'm giving it to Flashpoint Paradox since he at least got two lines. His cameos in Batman: The Brave and the Bold are fun, though.

James - Justice League Unlimited. I like the two live action versions of James, but by headcannoning him as a different character. I don't enjoy the interpretation of him as a psychopath.

Axel - CW Flash Axel was pretty good, though I wish he was less psycho.

Roy - With Roy we're limited to Teen Titans Go and the CW Flash show. I like both for different reasons, but they're both extremely limited because TTG is just goofy and the CW Flash is mostly just creepy; I do wish CW Roy showed more range. (Obviously it's not surprising that TTG is goofy.)

Mark - He was lots of fun on Batman: The Brave and the Bold. I really like his CW Flash incarnation too, but for me that comes in second place.

Hartley - I haven't seen the Beast Boy show yet (apparently it's only aired in the UK thus far?), so the only answer is the CW Flash series.

Mick - For a traditional Mick, Batman: The Brave and the Bold. For a far less conventional one, the CW version. Both are great.

Digger - Having a really tough time with this one, because he's in so much stuff and some of it is great. My three picks are Justice League Unlimited, the DCEU animated movies (Suicide Squad: Hell To Pay, Batman: Assault On Arkham, and Justice League Dark: Apokolips War. The last movie is gruesome and depressing, but Digger himself is perfect), and the live action Suicide Squad movies.

Owen - I really liked his incarnation on the CW Flash series, even though he was absolutely nothing like Owen.

Abra Kadabra - His first episode of the CW Flash show was amazing and I'll give that the prize, but his second episode sucked. Otherwise, Batman: The Brave and the Bold is the best.

The Shade - Not a Rogue, but he's fantastic on Stargirl. Highly recommended.

Here are my gifs from various TV and movies, if you're interested. And the gifs tag has other people's gifs, especially from the CWverse.

[goth-brushbug]

Sorry to break this to you, but not every trans/queer person on this site is from the US. The queer discourse is so America centred ppl always assume that everyone else is also from the US (or sometimes from the UK) because we speak english

Also, I can't really find any useful advice on here regarding trans health care, surgeries, etc. No, I can't cover anything from my insurance. I'm gonna have to start a fundraising for my transition. Options for getting top surgery here as a nonbinary person (Poland) are so very limited. And I can't correct my gender marker because there are only 2 binary genders in the eyes of law (suggesting that I can change it to other binary is very insensitive)

[growandrecover]

Heyyy, me again! First of all I'd like to thank you for all your replies so far.

Second of all, I'd like to ask if you know of any communities centered around ED recovery. I know of two subreddits, but of them are... really bad. One is not recovery focused and is mostly overrun by pro-ana teenagers who are looking for advice for continuing their self harming behaviour. The other is recovery focused but every post is manually approved by mods and the mods approve like...5 % of posts and you aren't allowed to talk about anything slightly upsetting, even though there's a whole trigger warning flair so idk what's up with that. I feel like there's strength in community and while most of the members of my DBT group have some sort of eating disorder as well, it isn't really the focus of the sessions and we are discouraged from talking about it because not everyone is stable in their recovery.

Third of all, is it normal for extreme hunger to come in waves? I've always heard about it as like...this thing you get for a week or two straight and then you're alright, but after a while of starting recovery, I got extreme hunger for like two days and then nothing. And after a few weeks it was like a day again. Last week I didn't feel hungry nearly at all and didn't eat much, and this week I've feeling super ravenous. Like since Monday I've been feeling like a starving beast of some sort dhdhhdhsb. It isn't even necessarily physical hunger, like, yeah, sure, that too, but sometimes I feel dizzy and hungry and like I'm starving even though there's no physical pain in the stomach area.

Hey!! My deepest apologies for taking so long to respond. Life has been kind of hectic around here 🥲

I did some googling and here's what I found as far as groups go:

(As far as I know, they're all free. I went through all the registries and looked for payment options, and there were none. I haven't used any of them myself, though. I believe most of these take place in the US, so if you're not American, just let me know *if you're comfortable doing so, of course* and I'll look for more!! I did find a few that were taking people from all over the world, and one just for those residing in the UK and one for Australians.)

Eating Recovery Center: This one has a lot of different groups, though you can only be registered for one at a time. They're virtual meetings. I'm not certain if it's limited to those who live in the states or not, but if you live there, you should be able to access it.

Center For Discovery: This one also has a lot of different groups. They're virtual as well.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: This one only has 2 groups, one for those with the disorder, and another for family members.

Project Heal: This one is a list of 30 different groups, separated by category (high-weight and larger bodies, body liberation, lgbtq+, neurodivergent, bipoc, clinicians in recovery, age specific, general support, Spanish speaking, male identifying, meal support, and support for family and friends)

National Alliance for Eating Disorders: Virtual meetings, but not as many categories. If you live in the states, there are a few in person meetings as well. Led by therapists.

The Eating Disorder Foundation: Virtual as well. Lots of different options as far as groups go. (Family and friends, people experiencing binge behaviors, trans and nonbinary, individuals 18+, individuals 50+, neurodivergent, both virtual and in person for lgbtq+ people 18 and older, individuals 30+, individuals 13-17, art journaling, health professionals in recovery, and several other in person groups.)

Beat Eating Disorders: Solely for people in the UK. These are chat rooms. (General support, bulimia support, BED support, anorexia support, ARFID support)

The Lotus Collaborative: Meets on Zoom every Friday 3:00 pm to 3:50 pm PST. Anyone who is working on their recovery journey is welcome to join.

Butterfly Foundation: I believe this is solely open to Australians. However, if you just so happen to live there, they have both virtual and web chat options.

Eating Disorders Anonymous: This one has both in person and Zoom meetings for people who live all over the world. They are location specific, but there are many options.

Eating Disorder (Ana, BED, Mia, & EDNOS) Recovery Support Group *through Facebook*: I'm not a member of this group, but it looks like it shouldn't be harmful. However, since it's private, I sent a request to join to make sure it won't be triggering. I'll delete it off this list if it is. The rules that lead me to believe that it won't be harmful are as follows: "1. No numbers: All numbers related to weight, food, exercise, measurements, etc must be replaced by x/xx/xxxx. 2. No bullying whatsoever. Bullies will be immediately banned without a warning. 3. All pictures must go in the comment section of your post! Selfies and body shots are not allowed! 5. This group is NOT a pro ed group or a pro self harm group. If you support those, this group is not for you." There are 33k members.

Project Heal: This one was already mentioned, but I just wanted to single it out because it's specifically for meal support.

Balance Eating Disorder Treatment Center: This group is titled "Virtual Contemplating Recovery Free Eating Disorder Support Group". They state that if you're asking yourself things like, "Am I sick enough? Do I even have an eating disorder? Can I fix this on my own? Will I ever know a life without the obsession?" you'd be a great fit for this meeting. They meet twice a month at no cost. There is an international option if you're not in America. I wasn't sure if you'd need this one or not, but I wanted you to have the option.

Ana, Mia, and EDNOS Recovery Support Group *through Facebook*: Again, I requested to join this group to be sure it wouldn't be triggering. I'll delete it off the list if it is. There are 27k members. This one has very similar rules to the first one.

(If these weren't what you were looking for, I got a lot of area specific ones in my search *not included in this list*. So if you were to search, you may find some for those who live near you. I searched "eating disorder recovery forum", "eating disorder support forum", "eating disorder support group online", and "anorexia recovery support groups")

Update: I just got into the first group (they seem to work very quickly) and scrolled through the posts a little bit. Everyone looks to be pretty mindful and helpful as well! If you have Facebook, I'd recommend this one!!

To answer the third part of your ask:

My extreme hunger was terrible. Oh my gosh, it was just absolutely wild. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like a starving beast. Mine went on for a few months, if I'm remembering correctly. I remember getting it around October, and it stayed until January -ish? It got so much worse around the holidays 😫. However, I think it's different for everyone.

I remember looking it up and found this (I found it again when I looked it up just now lol) : RecoveryWarriors.com

In case you don't feel like reading it, the author says, "It was the oddest feeling. My stomach might feel full, but I feel an innate calling to keep eating. And eating. And eating. I'd consume huge amounts of food at once and still scrounge for more." She goes on to say, "Extreme hunger is not something everyone recovering from a restrictive eating disorder will experience. However, most will. When you'll experience it and for how long differs, but it is usually a (scary) part of the recovery process."

She continues a little bit later,

"However, it may take quite a while for your hunger levels to go back to 'normal'. There's no way of knowing how long extreme hunger will last. For some people, they may only experience it for a few weeks. Other people may find themselves in a state of extreme hunger for months on end. Or, you may never experience extreme hunger." (Why Can't I stop Eating!: The Truth About Extreme Hunger, Savala)

This article by Registered Dietician, Shena Jaramillo, called Extreme Hunger in Eating Disorder Recovery explains what causes it, the signs, how to manage it, provides coping tools, and might help to answer your question a little bit further.

I hope this was at least somewhat helpful!! Let me know how the groups go (only if you want to, of course) and I'll be sure to check back in when I get into the 2 on Facebook :) 💗

[sinofwriting]

How was the decision for apples and Oscar to get married? Like their family and friends? Ooh how were the fans reactions to the news?

Okay, okay! I'm so excited to talk about my loves, Apples and Oscar.

It wasn't really a decision to get married as much as Oscar turning 18, proposing when she flies to him to spend a few days with him before she leaves to go back to Australia and her accepting.

So family (hers and his) were in no way surprised. They've met each other really young and their whole relationship was long distance due to Oscar having to move to the UK for his racing career. They also got together shortly after she turned fourteen. (more under the cut)

And more importantly her parents kind of had to approve because while Oscar was 18 when they got married, she wasn't 18 quite yet, and her parents had to give permission for them to get married since she wasn't 18. Basically how that whole situation happened, is that Oscar only had a limited time he'd be able to be back home in Australia due to the 2019 season and other things, and he wouldn't be able to come back for a long time (and then Covid happened, but we don't need to talk about it) and while they could've gotten married in the UK after she turned 18, they despite just going to the courthouse to get married still wanted to celebrate with family.

Her friends are also in no way surprised because they all knew that Oscar and her were going to make it. Oscar's friends are a little, mainly because just how young he is, and also like dude? at any point you are going to be huge? You don't want to explore your options? But overall they aren't. Logan is also the only one of Oscar's friends not from Australia that goes to the wedding and is Oscar's best man as well.

Now, fan reactions...

It's both good and bad. The fic mentions that no one knows that Oscar was married because despite marriages being public, it was pretty buried and hard to find. Oscar had also never mentioned a girlfriend publicly and none of the drivers he was friends with who knew about her had ever said anything either.

A small percentage isn't too surprised because of how levelheaded Oscar seems but overall everyone is like wtf??? What do you mean Pastry boy is married?

Apples of course (sadly) gets quite a bit of hate from it, but Oscar also gets some backlash for keeping something so underwraps from fans.

Explore the lover verse here

[creations-by-chaosfay]

End-of-Year Commissions

The vast majority of my commissions menu is now unavailable until Spring 2025. What I have listed below will be available until December 1st, 2024.

Two slots are available.

Pictures are below the cut!

Decorative quilted pins and magnets - These are very mini quilts, approximately 1.5x1.5 inches in size, with a button sewn onto the back. On the button, I'll glue either a magnet for you to attach this to any magnet surface you fancy, or a pin backing so as to make it possible to wear the little quilts. Time to finish: 2-3 days

Pine tree wall hanging - 17x30 inches, this is a quilt that looks like a pine tree. It can be made using whatever prints, colors, or themes you can think of. Do you want a Halloween tree? I can do that. Black and white? That too. Pastels? Sure, why not? These are an excellent option if you have a large pin collection you want to show off, live in a home with pets or small children, your home has extremely limited space, or you really don't want to deal with a tree (artificial or real). I'll attach a hanging sleeve on the back for a dowel or curtain rod, but you can also use drapery clips and Command hooks to hold it up (it's what I do). I offer the option of including decorative pins as stated above, as well as hand-sewing buttons. Though, if you have buttons you want to feature on it as ornaments, I recommend you save yourself some money and hand sew them yourself. Buttons are very easy to attach! Time to finish: 7-10 days

Rag quilt - These are made using three layers of fabric, exposed seams, and very little time. I can finish a baby size, 30x30 to 40x40 inches, in 2-3 days. These function well as weighted blankets without the risk of injury weighted blankets can cause. My preference is three layers of flannel, and it's extremely warm. Two layers of fabric is also an option. As for why it's called a rag quilt, one side is smooth, the other has the exposed seams, and with every washing these seams will get fluffy and fuzzier. A rag quilt is a great option if your space is cold, like a drafty room in winter. I've living in the US Great Plains and Midwest regions, winters with where a windchill under -30F is fairly standard. One of these will keep you very warm. Time to finish: 2-10 days, depending on size

Decorative pins/magnets - these cannot be washed except by hand. Doing otherwise will result in irreversible damage. I make these using scraps, and will fussy cut some to get a specific look, like the superman and little dragon in the second picture.

2. Pine tree wall hanging - The tree on the left, in pink, blue, and purple, full of pins and buttons, is mine. I have nearly all my decorative pins on it, and made it those colors because I can. The one on the left was a commission with "tree colored" in the description...so I used a print with trees in it. The client is very happy with it, and keeps it on display all year round. I highly recommend sewing the buttons on yourself, seeing as it will save you money, and you won't have to wait longer for the quilt to arrive.

3. Rag quilt - this is the front and backing, with the front being the fluffy side. You must dry this on its own because of the fraying effect. I made the mistake of leaving a small towel in with the blanket. There is no removing all those strings. Ever. Another note, these will take more time to dry simply because of all the layers. The one I made for myself is made using quilting cotton and requires a round on hot in the dryer, hang it for about an hour, then I toss it in again. That gets it dry rather well.

If you're outside the US, or in an area within the US that deals with a lot of weather, keep that in mind. From the US to the UK, it's usually around two weeks, most of the EU two to three weeks, Brazil two months. Even ordering rush delivery will not guarantee arrival before the end of the year. The longest anything took to ship from my location was eight months, from Oregon to South Africa.

[frogofalltime]

Hi, could I ask you if you have any tips or advice for transmascs in the closet to friends and family??? Thanks :0

hello ! thank you for the question. this is going to be super long because i have lots to say about this and i'm incapable of being concise so i'm sorry about that :') i hope this helps even a little bit and please feel free to send more asks if you need anything else, clarification on what i mean, etc !! remember your identity is valid and important whether or not you are closeted. but i know it's extremely hard when you can't talk to anyone in your life or be yourself. you can always talk to me about it. and one day, i hope, you will be free to be whatever you want to be, without limits or restraints. for me personally, moving out from my parents' house has helped me discover who and what i am, and accept myself as trans instead of trying to fight it. i have so much freedom to dress and present the way i want, and i'm even on the waiting list for gender affirming care. i know it's not accessible for everyone to move out and live independently and gender clinics don't exist in a lot of places so i'm extremely privileged and lucky to have this option. i honestly expected to stay in the closet my whole life, and it was a pleasant surprise to finally be able to come out at least to some people. but no matter what, there is hope for your future, and i promise it gets better. hang in there <3

anyway, here's my advice !!

if it's safe to do so, if there's even one person in your life you are comfortable to come out to, it helps a lot. do you have any trans / queer friends you can talk to ? or someone you know would be an ally ? of course you absolutely Do Not need to come out to anyone ever, your safety is the most important thing, and it is entirely up to you. i didn't come out to my friends until i was entirely sure of What to come out as — i spent many years knowing i wasn't cisgender or heterosexual but i was afraid to accept it because of religious reasons and i was never sure how to tell people until i figured it out for myself. but it helped a lot to have one or two trans guys / nonbinary friends i could talk to even many years before i came out. i learned a lot from them. and the same with asexual and / or aromantic friends. knowing other people with similar experiences helps you to understand what you are and having their support helps a lot when you are closeted to everyone else.

in the UK and probably a lot of other countries it is being enforced that if children tell teachers or medical professionals about things like their gender identity it has to be reported back to their parents. so if you're under 18, please please please be extra careful about who you tell. when i had therapy the fact that a lot of my mental and physical issues were related to gender dysphoria was not even mentioned, even though it was so obvious. this is probably because my mother was always in the room during therapy sessions and they knew my family is religious so they didn't want to cause any problems. but i do kind of wish it had been discussed back then because i could have saved me a lot of mental illness and physical health problems that i still struggle with now. i wish i could have had some support and acceptance growing up, but unfortunately i didn't know anything about lgbtqia+ until i moved to england aged 14, and it took me a long time to accept myself as queer because of religious and cultural prejudice. i hope you're able to access more support and kindness than i was.

the fact that you're in my inbox means you're already in a queer space on the internet and that's really cool and important especially if you don't have that in real life !! of course be careful and exercise internet safety, but it's good to have an online safe place to be yourself and engage with the community. me and robin (@etherealspacejelly) are both transmasc with experience of unsupportive families and being closeted, and there are many more people like us on tumblr or elsewhere on the internet who are happy to share our experiences and help other people. community is so important and we have to look out for each other.

i also find it helps a lot if you refer to yourself using your pronouns and chosen name (if you have one) in your head and when talking to any trusted people. my brain can be really mean to me but i have become stronger at fighting it because of this. whenever the voices in my head are being unkind, they often use my birth name and call me a girl. but i know that i am not, i have so much evidence to the contrary, so it can help to shut them up. something i find really gender affirming is to tell myself "binya, stop procrastinating", "come on binya you need to eat", "binyameen get himself in the shower challenge", "guess who still hasn't done his homework", etc. when i am with my family, if i do this in my head it helps a lot, because they are always calling me by my birth name and she / her pronouns which doesn't feel right at all.

you can also tell people your chosen name is a nickname / username, or go by a shortened version of your name that sounds more gender neutral. i chose a boy name that is actually pretty similar to my birth name, so it's plausible that it would be a nickname that my friends call me. i used this method with my brother because in the summer i changed my name to binyameen on snapchat and didn't feel comfortable to come out entirely to him (i'm working up to it, and i know he will be accepting, i just don't feel ready). on instagram i kept my username as my birth name (to prevent people from asking questions / not being able to find me when they search my name) but i put my chosen name in the name box. so when i am messaging my friends it comes up as binya. an alternative option is to have your username as a hybrid of both names, or something random that doesn't involve your name at all, like how on tumblr i'm frogofalltime. but if i changed my instagram username now i feel like i would have to put my birth name in the name box otherwise people would say something, so i haven't done that.

idk if your family is religious or not, but if they are, that tends to make it a lot harder, so i'm sorry. if you also are religious, it helps a lot to find even one person or group online that is queer and of faith, and to remind yourself that God created everything to be fluid and evolving and not confined to boxes. we cannot categorise things that are inherently complex, and why would a loving Creator create something only to hate it and force it to conform or be punished ? i'm muslim, my faith is still very important to me, but i'm also a scientist and i believe in my own version of islam that is very personal and different to the mainstream. if something makes me uncomfortable i consider why that is and reconsider my beliefs. because i am not sure of anything but i know a lot of what i was raised to believe is not compatible with how the world and the divine feels to me. it helps to find my own way to practice my religion and worship God.

also, idk if you have this struggle, but my parents expect me to wear the hijab. i compromise this by wearing it as loosely as i can, or putting a hat or hoodie over my head (which feels a lot more masc). whenever i go to the masjid or any islamic gathering or event i dress appropriately and sit in the women's section but it does make me uncomfortable. in fact one of my flatmates is muslim and she has made multiple comments about how she's glad we have an "all girls" flat because she doesn't have to worry about covering up to go to the kitchen. this makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty because i don't know if she would be comfortable living with me / walking around in her pyjamas / with her hair out if she knew i was a guy. personally i didn't mind people seeing my hair when i wore hijab because i didn't actually want to wear it anyway. but i know my flatmate feels more strongly about it as she has mentioned this a few times, and i don't know what her opinions on trans people are, so i feel bad whenever i see her. i also had this issue a lot growing up when getting changed for PE at school. i would avert my eyes and try not to look at anyone because i didn't want to invade their privacy. so my advice is to find a compromise that meets your parents' expectations but also helps you to feel less dysphoric, and avoid looking at people's bodies if you can help it, in case that would make them uncomfortable.

use gender neutral toilets / changing rooms if they're available but don't feel bad if you have to use the women's. i certainly don't pass well enough to use the men's and i haven't been in a men's bathroom or changing room for like ten years so i don't feel safe going in there, especially because i'm closeted to most people. it's a lot easier to just go to the women's and try not to think about it. i think every place should have gender neutral toilets and individual changing rooms and showers, as this would be better for privacy as well.

if your parents want you to have long hair maybe you can look at images of men with long hair to make the dysphoria go away. lots of men have had long hair especially in other cultures and time periods. my brother (who is two years younger than me) had beautiful long black curls that he kept for four years before cutting it in september and he looked extremely handsome. if you have pinterest, maybe make a board and fill it with pictures of guys that you share traits with, it helps a lot in my experience.

talking about hair, if it bothers you a lot and you're allowed to without making anyone suspicious, i do recommend cutting it. having short hair has given me so much confidence in my identity and whenever i look in the mirror i see a boy much more often than i used to (although i did used to think i looked like howl pendragon or a prince from the olden days when i had longer hair, especially if i tied it back). i had to keep my hair long as a kid but from the age of 12 i cut it to chin length and kept it as short as possible although it was still a "girly" enough hairstyle to not upset my parents too much. then last year i shaved my hair off and donated it to charity because i moved out and my parents can't control me anymore. i explained why i did it later, but my mother got really upset and asked if i was lesbian, so i did have to partially come out to her even though i was absolutely not ready for that conversation. but i didn't tell her everything. so yea do be cautious and probably don't do something that extreme without permission. if you do want to cut all your hair off, you could explain beforehand that you want to donate your hair to a charity that makes wigs for kids with cancer, and maybe even start a fundraiser for it. if its for a good cause they might be more supportive; my father actually said it was a beautiful gesture that i donated my hair, and he wasn't upset / angry with me like my mother was.

as for clothes, if you live in the west or a country with less enforcement of gender norms, we are lucky to live in a society where it's relatively normal for women to wear men's clothes. i grew up in saudi arabia where there are strict rules about clothing — in fact everything is super gendered. or at least it was when i lived there, i know some things have changed in the past few years. anyway, women had to wear black robes and were encouraged to cover their heads and even their faces, while men wore white robes and if they covered their heads it was using a traditional cloth in a different style to women's hijab. we had to wear skirts or dresses at school too. i live in england now and it's a lot more relaxed here, and there's usually an option to wear trousers at school. i was sent to a girls school where almost everyone wore the skirt uniform so i wore one to fit in, but we were allowed to wear trousers if we wanted to. and in fact it's probably even more normal to see girls wearing jeans and baggy sweaters than to see them wearing skirts and dresses in everyday life. idk where you live, maybe you're in a country like saudi arabia, or maybe you have strict parents, in which case you may have to compromise for your safety. for example when i lived in saudi arabia i would wear trousers / shorts and a t shirt underneath my robes — i even went through a phase where i wore dungarees every day, which was a bit inconvenient when i needed the bathroom lol. you can also wear masc shoes with the excuse that they are comfortable, because they tend to be wider and a more practical shape.

for special events i do tend to wear a dress or traditional clothes from my culture just to avoid any conflict with my family. however it does make me feel very uncomfortable and i would prefer to wear a suit or even just my normal clothes if i could. i remember crying profusely before prom because i felt so dysphoric in the dress i was wearing, and having so many meltdowns about eid gatherings and weddings i had to attend for the same reasons. if your family is more accepting than mine maybe you can wear a smart shirt and trousers if you don't want to wear a dress, or if there's a traditional outfit in your culture maybe you can find a version that feels more comfortable and gender neutral. for example the pakistani traditional dress is shalwar kameez (a tunic and wide pants) for all genders but they come in different styles. i prefer to wear shalwar kameez that is loose fitting and a more plain design so it looks kind of like men's rather than women's.

on the subject of clothes, this can be difficult because it's not really possible to bind when you're closeted as people will probably notice and ask questions. one good thing about wearing hijab is that it covers your body and chest, so i was able to combat a lot of dysphoria without raising any issues because my parents wanted me to dress that way anyway. i had a very feminine phase when i was trying to "fix" myself and "be a girl" because i thought if i tried hard enough i would "be normal". of course it doesn't work that way but i did my best even though it made me super dysphoric, because i thought this was the only option i had. i don't recommend doing this if you can, but it's a very normal experience for trans people, so don't feel like it invalidates your identity "because you used to be so girly". of course anyone can wear skirts and dresses and pink and feminine clothes, it should not be restricted to women ! in fact i still like wearing certain dresses sometimes, they make me feel really cool ! but if it makes you uncomfortable, then don't force it.

experimenting with clothes until you find your style is very helpful. definitely get your clothes second hand if you can to avoid spending much money or damaging the environment during this process btw !! at my university we have a clothes swap where you can leave your old clothes and take new clothes that other people have donated. i've been swapping a lot of my feminine clothes for masculine clothes that way. since coming out i've been dressing in a way that feels a lot more like myself, but even before then, even in my feminine phase, i always wore clothes that hid the parts of my body that made me dysphoric. baggy trousers help a lot with dysphoria about your hips and thighs because they hide a lot; the same goes for loose-fitting shirts, sweaters, hoodies etc for hiding your chest, waist and hips. using a satchel can be better than a backpack if you feel like backpacks accentuate your body shape too much, but the right clothes and backpack can be very gender affirming too ! i wear mostly men's shirts, coats, and sweaters, though i do tend to get women's trousers because they fit more comfortably around my waist, but i choose a shape that is loose and masculine.

again, if you feel confident in your body and you like wearing clothes that don't hide it, that's really good !! and i'm very happy for you and proud of you if that's the case !! i just am listing some things that help me personally with dysphoria which also don't bring me judgement from people i'm not out to, because like i said it's normalised for anyone to wear this style of clothes in this part of the world. idk about things like makeup because i've never worn it in my life, and i've only painted my nails like three times ever, but if you like these things go for it ! i know plenty of guys (cis and trans) who wear makeup and nail polish sometimes and they look really cool !

as for underwear i like to wear the kind of men's / boys' underpants that are like little shorts. i get them in size small / medium or age 13-14 years. i find them very comfortable in general, especially in summer when a lot of women worry about a "visible pants line" showing through their clothes, you don't get this problem. i also don't wear bras, only sports bras / compression vests that cover everything and just look like a binder that doesn't make you flat. i have no idea what my bust size is because i've never been measured. i refused to wear anything on my chest until i was 11, then my mother made me wear crop tops underneath my shirts "for modesty", but i didn't actually develop breasts at all until i was 16 and i only tried to wear bras for like one year before i gave up and went back to vests and sports bras.

however, i would say to be careful around underwear if you live at home and someone else does the laundry. my mother gets very weird about me wearing this type of underwear. she thinks it's bad for you not to wear a proper bra (but this is scientifically incorrect !) and she says she can never tell which underpants are mine and which are my brother's. i also get the feeling that she doesn't approve of me wearing men's underwear because of religious reasons ?? and she definitely wouldn't approve of a binder. so when i'm at home i sort the laundry myself and take my things to dry in my bedroom so she doesn't notice. i also used to wear big plain white or black women's briefs and i still have them although i don't wear them much; they help too if you aren't able to wear boxer shorts, because they cover a lot and are just more comfortable in general.

idk how old you are or what your transition goals are, if any, but if you are considering things like hormones and top surgery, i know it can be very difficult to figure out how you will do this without your family and friends finding out, or even if it's an option for you at all. i'm very lucky to live in england and i am over 18 so i can access gender services without my parents knowing. the waiting list is around 5 years long which gives me plenty of time to think about what i want and how i will balance this with my family etc. i really want top surgery but i know it's something my family will notice and also the amount of money it costs and the recovery time afterwards makes it into a big thing that i can't really do in secret. however, that's a problem for future me, and i imagine it's the same for you too. stay strong, and i hope you'll be able to find a way to transition without having to deal with a lot of issues with your family.

my mother is also really weird about my body hair and facial hair, so be careful with that too. i'm naturally very hairy, it is probably because i'm half pakistani, but i also might have PCOS or endometriosis because my periods are very irregular and intense, i need to get that checked out. anyway, when i was younger my mother encouraged me to shave my armpits and legs, and to pluck out my moustache, chin hairs, and monobrow. it's sad because i used to like my moustache and eyebrows as a kid, and i liked seeing myself as a guy in the mirror, but i was also bullied about these things at school, which made me so self conscious that i couldn't leave the house without sorting all of this out, and i used to shave my arms as well. it got to the point where i got really bad eczema in my armpits because shaving them was irritating the skin, so i decided to stop, and now i just trim the hairs occasionally (because if my underarms are too hairy this also makes my eczema worse and harder to treat). i also stopped shaving my arms and legs, and i don't pluck out my facial hair at all. this saves me so much time and pain and effort, i look really cool, and very androgynous. but my parents and other family members make comments about it all the time, they say i look unkempt and i've let myself go, i'm giving them a bad reputation, etc. so i guess you have to find the balance between gender euphoria and safety from your family and friends getting suspicious or judgmental. if your family aren't too conservative maybe you can talk about feminism and how body hair is natural for every mammal and the culture of women being hairless is really toxic etc ? but again, please be safe, sometimes it's better to compromise and conform until you are able to be more independent, even though it really sucks.

getting your period can be extremely challenging when you're transmasc so you're not alone if it's difficult for you too. my mother never understood why i was so distressed by it, because she was excited to get it when she was growing up, and she always wanted breasts too, but i was very afraid of puberty. a nonbinary person i know takes birth control pills to stop their periods because they make them so dysphoric, but please be aware these pills have oestrogen in them so they can have a feminising effect, so they're not for everyone. other trans people i know use tampons or menstrual cups so they don't have to see the blood like you do with pads. however i know this can also cause dysphoria because you have to interact with a body part that feels like it should not be there. i personally have never used tampons or menstrual cups because i don't want to touch that area of my body if i can help it and i also have a lot of sensory issues. i try to use reusable pads when my flow is not too heavy, because you can wash them and use them again so it's better for the environment. i also use big disposable pads when it's too heavy for the reusable ones. funnily enough if you're wearing a thick sanitary pad in your underwear it makes a bulge that can kind of look like you have male genitals lol. idk if that's something you want — i definitely don't want bottom surgery myself — but it's pretty cool either way. also please take care of yourself if / when you menstruate, it's a hard time, take painkillers if you need to, and do your best to ignore all the gendered language around this stuff. a lot of men, boys, and nonbinary people menstruate, including myself, and it should be more normalised.

swimming and exercise are understandably big issues for a lot of trans people. i recommend wearing breathable fabric so you don't overheat. i am lucky because as a muslim i'm expected to cover my body, so i have an excuse for how i dress at the pool or the gym. i usually wear a men's shirt that is designed for sports or surfing, sports leggings (or joggers if i'm not swimming), and a compression vest / sports bra and underpants underneath. if i go swimming i make sure everything is made from that fabric that they make swimming costumes from, and it's all black because that hides your shape better. i actually want to get some long swimming trunks like my dad has, they're very comfortable and much more gender affirming than leggings. i don't go swimming much tbh, i wish i could but it makes me dysphoric, and showering afterwards is annoying, especially because i have sensory issues and eczema. normally i take off the shirt and leggings and shower in my compression vest and underpants. that way i can get most of the chlorine off my skin but i don't have to be exposed in the public showers / changing rooms. if you can't get away with wearing so many layers like that maybe you can wear a compression vest and cycling shorts, you can even get women's swimming shorts, so people don't question it.

as you're closeted maybe this doesn't apply to you but i do like being slightly open with my identity when i can. i have some subtle indicators that i'm trans that i wear sometimes. please please only do this if it is safe !! i never did it in the past at all, not until i came out to my friends, and i know that transphobia and homophobia are getting worse and worse, so i am very cautious about being visible in public. but for example i made a bead lizard in the trans flag colours and i hang it on my bag, and i have some pride badges that aren't super obvious. it's like "if you know, you know", but if people ask anything you can play it off as just an accessory with colours you like, etc. it makes me feel affirmed in my identity and also i feel like i am showing other trans people they're not alone. personally i love seeing someone wearing a pride pin or seeing stickers on lamp posts and walls around the city expressing support of queer people, trans rights, etc, so i recommend looking out for those or even creating your own if it's safe to do so.

on social media like instagram where there's an option to put your pronouns in your bio, i recommend not putting anything in that box if you're not comfortable with it, because putting she / her would feel wrong, but putting he / him or even they / them or a mixture could make people ask questions. for a long time i had she / they in my bio because i felt like it was safe. but then it made me uncomfortable, because i really hate being called she or her but i didn't feel like i could put they / them without people saying things, so i removed it. after a few years i became braver and put they / them instead, and then i changed it to he / they when i felt more confident in my identity. however i am still worried that my family and people i'm not out to might notice and say something, but nobody has done so yet. but yea please take care. your safety is more important and you don't owe anyone an explanation of who you are.

overall, i hope these tips are helpful for you, but please let me know if you need anything else. i have no idea how old you are, where you live, what your family and friends are like, what your feelings about your body are, how you like to dress, what gives you gender euphoria and dysphoria etc, so i'm just saying my own experiences, if you feel differently that's fine and it does not make you any less trans :)

you are loved and your identity is beautiful and i am so proud of you for coming to me for advice. you're doing so well <3

[commodorez]

Top 5 worse computers from the 80s

While I'm sure someone could come up with a more definitive well-curated list, here's what I came up with on a whim: Sinclair ZX-81 The ZX-80 was a good, inexpensive step forward for the burgeoning UK computer market. Its successor, the ZX-81, tripped and fell rather than do anything beyond streamlining it for mass production. A real pain in the ass to type on, and notoriously flaky to do any serious work on. Localized in the US as the Timex-Sinclair 1000, it was too weak to really compete with the American market. British users seem to like them but I'd chalk up most of that to nostalgia goggles.

Apple III Apple tried and failed to make a business machine, and Jobs got his way a bit too much, and it overheated alot because he mandated that it couldn't have a fan. Ultimately, it confused people and was surpassed by better Apple II's. A weird footnote in Apple failures.

IBM PCjr The answer to a question that nobody asked. Crappy wireless keyboard, intended to be bolted to your home television. Cartridges? On an IBM? WTF is that? The expansion options are hot garbage. Eventually it was upstaged by the Tandy 1000 at its own game. Just get a PC XT. Or a Tandy.

Coleco Adam Likes to erase its own tapes if you leave them in the drive on power-up due to an electrical surge it shoves through the tape mechanism. The main system power supply is integrated into the printer, so you NEED the chonky printer to be plugged in for it to work. Has those weird phone pad + joystick hybrid controllers. Just get a ColecoVision to play your cartridge games.

Commodore Plus/4 I was going to take a stab at the MAX Machine, but Commodore did worse with the whole concept of the Plus/4. This thing was too cheap for its own good, and went in a completely bonkers direction at the behest of Jack Tramiel. It's supposed to be a cheap business machine to eat the ZX Spectrum's lunch. Why go after the little guy from the UK market? Who knows. Lame rubber chiclet keyboard, totally incompatible with existing Commodore software and most peripherals, and having 121 colors can't save it from being a dumb idea. Apparently it was a hit in eastern Europe.

Remember, pretty much every system has its fanclub, regardless of how flawed, underpowered, or limited a platform it is. So while I personally don't care for any of these machines, if you're mad at me for taking a pot shot at your favorite, do keep in mind that my favorite computer of all time is the VIC-20. You know, the one that most Commodore enthusiasts ignore for only having 5K of RAM having only 8 foreground colors, only 22 columns of screen resolution, and just not being a C64.

[ranahan]

hello! Love headlining the reasoning for all the translations, and learning new words along the way! :D

Whenever you have bandwidth, may I send in my favourite regional proverb? ‘Going to the beach/shore and not finding water’ (to fail at a pretty easy task). There is also the English version, but this seems pretty modern (even though I’ve heard it used in UK): ‘not finding one’s head/arse with two hands’.

I’m guessing both could fit an annoyed Mandalorian! :)

This was a tough one! Not sure I can provide a good translation, but I can provide some reasonings at least.

So the problem here is that we don’t have a word for shore. The canon dictionary does have briikasak, ‘run-ashore’, but the etymology is unclear (at least to me). Possible related words could be briik (line), briikase (happy), and the root *sak- (in sakagal; I’ve interpreted saka to mean a cross or an X-shape, making saka-gal short for either saka’can’gal or saka’galaar, lit. X-fighter or X-hawk). Briikasak could mean something like crossing a line, but I just don’t have a very solid idea.

We could maybe go around the problem by saying that the original meaning of briikasak was going ashore, which then began to mean a shore leave. That way we could slap a verbal ending on it and get a verb meaning to go ashore: briikasakir/briikasakur (my ear says a high vowel, pick whichever you like the best). And then we could say Briikasakir bal nu’mareyir pirun. Or perhaps Kaysh briikasaki nu’mareyir pirun, literally “they went ashore [only] to not find water,” that is, tried to do something easy only for it to have come to naught.

Another possibility would be to derive a new word for shore. One option could be *mor-/*mur-, ‘edge, limit, boundary’. This is my own backformation from mureyce (lips; think of how the edge of a bottle is called a lip) and morut (fort; so basically edge + instrumental suffix). Compare with *jor-/*jur- regarding the vowel change. I’ve been provisionally thinking about mora for “edge, limit, boundary” and arguably a shore is a kind of an edge, so that could be another sense of the word or a different derived word. And then we’d get something like Slan’at mora bal nu’mareyir pirun.

So yeah. I don’t think I can provide a good translation, but I’m posting this anyway in case someone else has better ideas (because briikasak and shore have been bugging me for a while), or I’ll think of something else later.

[separatist-apologist]

Wishing On Dandelions

I see forever in your eyes

Summary: When Elain is gifted a castle from her late Uncle, she expects it to come with bats in the attic and ghosts in the halls.

Not a grouchy English Lord hell bent on pushing her out.

Note: A final thank you to @the-lonelybarricade for both validating all my worst impulses AND being my UK consultant.

Part 1/2 | Read on AO3

To say Elain’s castle was a mess would have been an understatement. Nestled in the English Countryside, on paper it was perfectly picturesque. Charming, even. Elain had known the minute she’d learned of it she wanted to turn into a bed and breakfast. It was, for four straight months, all she thought about. Elain spent those early months picking out swatches and doing expensive surveys on the structural damage–of which there was a lot. She’d bought soil and seeds and enough gardening supplies to shape the whole of England if she’d truly wanted to.

And it had all come crashing down around her, crushed under the immaculate boots of Lucien fucking Vanserra. 

“I own this place.”

He’d said it in that posh accent she loathed, arching one immaculately groomed brow before his lawyers had swept in. He wasn’t wrong—though he wasn’t entirely right, either. His father and her Uncle had owned half, and now so did she and Lucien.

Elain and tried to turn on the charm. She’d smiled and put on her lowest cut dress, had bent against the desk they’d spent so many months arguing over, and asked to buy him out. Lucien had been unswayed—uninterested.

Elain blamed that entirely on how poor Lucien’s vision was. She’d learned this from a friend, who’d given her all the Vanserra gossip. His father had been a Duke before he died—allegedly murdered by his wife, who was little more than a common American actress. It had apparently been a terrible scandal, made worse when people suspected Lucien, his youngest son, wasn’t even his son at all. 

And in between all that, she’d learned that the Vanserra patriarch had been terribly abusive, though that was said like an afterthought. What was important was Lucien’s parentage and the fact that perhaps his claim to the castle wasn’t even legal.

Only, it was. Beron Vanserra had claimed him, and Lucien was uninterested in selling. It left Elain with the option of letting him buy her out, or convincing him to let her renovate and make him her partner.

Graysen wanted her to sell.

And Lucien had agreed to be partners, so long as he was allowed a fifty percent share, and say in her remodel. It was how, six months later, Elain found herself staring down paint swatches over a renovated office her and Lucien managed to share, despite their obvious desire to kill the other. 

“You want pink and green?” he asked dryly. Elain gave herself permission to study him only for a moment. She’d never asked him just how much he could see—the cane he often used to navigate with told her whatever sight he had was limited.

And none of her business.

A trio of scars raked over one of his eyes, like someone had dug their nails down his cheek in an attempt to gouge out his eye. It did little to diminish just how handsome Lucien was, though his mean spirited personality certainly made his good looks almost worthless by comparison. Still, his eyes were the most peculiar shade of russet brown, set in pretty, warm brown skin. His hair was a lovely auburn red and long enough he often tied it off his face, which gave him a rather rakish appearance. He wore a navy button up, sleeves rolled to his elbows, and a pair of well tailored trousers that showed of his muscled thighs, spread apart as he examined each of her swatches with a scowl.

“It’s for the garden view rooms,” Elain explained patiently. Sometimes she thought Gray was right—this was all a monumental waste of her time. She could be back in London planning their wedding like he wanted her, not two hours away negotiating with a terrorist. 

“Why not wallpaper?”

“There—” she was going to kill him. “There could have been wallpaper, but you hated that idea last week. Why not paint, that’s what you said.”

“I don’t recall.”

Elain clenched her hands to fists. “I still have all the wallpaper swatches. Would you like me to get them?”

“I’m surprised you didn’t bring them with you,” was his dry response. If looks could kill, he would be dead. Elain’s anger practically radiated off her, not that he noticed. Elain was certain he did this in an attempt to wear her down. He’d agreed to be partners because the alternative was a long, protracted legal battle that would have exhausted them both. But Elain wasn’t stupid, either.

She knew Lucien wanted a full share and her out of his life, and it was probably much easier to annoy her into quitting.

Elain clipped out, heels echoing as she made her way through the nearly completed castle. As she went, Elain looked out one of the hatched windows to the moody sea in the distance. She could see it just beneath her bedroom window, crashing against the cliffside her castle stood atop. He’d get tired, too. Lucien would bore of all this eventually and return to London and she’d be free of him.

Elain brought the envelope of wallpaper samples to him, dropping it loudly on the mahogany desk he still sat at. Lucien reached for it with long, strong fingers while Elain sat in the chair opposite him. 

“When is your wedding, again?” he asked in that bored tone. She must have told him a thousand times. Elain’s stomach clenched as she answered.

“Five months from yesterday.”

He nodded, his eyes landing on her. She didn’t think he could see much of her, and still squirmed under what he might find, regardless. 

“You must be dying to return.”

“Of course.” But that was a lie. Elain and Gray were fighting, though she wasn’t entirely sure he was aware of it. And truth be told, Elain was starting to get cold feet. Did she want to marry him?

Everything had happened so quickly, a whirlwind of romance that culminated in a marriage proposal before she’d ever managed to catch her breath. She’d liked how honest he was, how he wasn’t immediately taken with her face like everyone else was.

But sometimes she thought it might be nice to feel beautiful. Or wanted. Or even special. Graysen didn’t think any of those things were necessary.

You already think so highly of yourself. Why should I add to it? 

“How long for the honeymoon?”

“Trying to get rid of me? Or are you mourning the loss of Graysen?” she asked snappishly.

The corners of Lucien’s mouth twitched, like he was suppressing a smile. “I’m told he’s very handsome.”

“He is,” she said defensively, nearly adding, unlike you. But that seemed cruel and was an incredible lie. Lucien was the most handsome man she’d ever seen in her life and she dreaded when Graysen realized this. He, like everyone else, imagined Lucien as a stuffy old man. Elain had never corrected this misconception as it made her life far easier.

Graysen was coming to visit in the next month and Elain knew it would be a miserable fight the second he laid eyes on Lucien. 

“How terrible to be away from him,” Lucien said crisply. “I would think you’d want to spend every moment possible with him.”

“I’d think you would have learned to mind your own business by now,” Elain retorted. Lucien did smile then, and she wished he wouldn’t. It was far easier to hate him when she wasn’t reminded that he was beautiful. 

“Pick a sample, Lucien, or I’ll do it for you. And I’ll make it ugly and claim it was your design.”

Lucien, who was so fashionable, scowled. “Yes, that is exactly the sort of immature antics I’d expect from you. Do whatever you like—in truth, I don’t care.” “Of course you don’t. This has just been a week of wasted time,” Elain snapped, rising from her chair to gather up her samples. 

“You’re not in London, are you?” he replied smoothly 

“Mind your own business, while you’re at it,” Elain ordered, storming from the room before Lucien could say anything else that might convince her to finally wrap her hands around his throat and squeeze. 

-*-

“This looks nice,” Elain lied, staring at the garish pink couch now sitting in what would become her lounge. “Very vivid.” “I thought you’d enjoy it,” Lucien murmured. He had one earbud in, listening to something softly on his phone. She knew he wanted her to throw a fit over how ugly that sofa was. She refused, if only because Elain couldn’t stand to see Lucien happy. Irritating her pleased him, and so Elain would merely vent her frustrations to her sisters later when he wasn’t around.

Lucien didn’t notice the shovel in Elain’s hand. That wasn’t his fault, given Lucien could just barely see when his hand was two inches from his face. 

Elain liked to think that if Lucien could see her, he would have known not to try her when she was so capable of digging another flowerbed out back where his lifeless body would become nourishment for generations of tulips. 

Elain trekked out into the first warm, sunny summer day. She’d been growing most things indoors using little planters, and over the next week, Elain intended to begin repotting it all into the yard. She had her classic English garden to add a lively bit of color to the grounds, and then her herb and vegetable garden so she could boast of having both on her website. 

Lucien very rarely bothered her out on the ground, primarily because the guys who were supposed to be laying down her path kept rescheduling on her. Lucien didn’t like the uneven ground, which made it the perfect place to avoid him. 

Outside was Elain’s sanctuary. She had a little glass greenhouse for her tomatoes, and other things she wanted to grow when it got too wet and rainy to support much outdoors. And she had a pretty, white shed that she stored all her things in—of which, Elain had a lot. Gardening had fast become her hobby.

Elain had a green thumb and, beyond that, loved the peace of doing something gentle. Elain felt most herself when she was in her garden, and could easily forget all her worries, her insecurities, her sense that the world was all wrong and only she could see it. 

And for all his snobbiness, Lucien had never once made a comment about her broken nails or her sunburned cheeks when she returned inside. Of course, Lucien couldn’t see those things, but still. It was nice not to have him constantly scrutinizing her appearance. 

It was a low bar to not dislike Lucien simply because he couldn’t see her, but it seemed like lately all Graysen did was comment on her appearance. She’d once loved that he was taken by her beautiful face. Graysen had joked he ought to have taken her swimming so he could see the real her beneath.

Though, during one rather heated argument, he’d said her looks were passable at best, and hardly special compared to other women he’d known. And though it was shallow, his words still bounced through her head on occasion. Why did she care?

But if Elain wasn’t beautiful, what was she? No one had ever valued anything else, and neither had Elain. It was, occasionally, pathetic how much she cared and how hard she tired. She knew everyone thought so. Both her sisters found her shallow and insipid and in love with London’s social scene. 

Elain had never been happier than she was in the castle. If Lucien would just go, Elain thought she, too, might retreat entirely from life in the city. And maybe it was a good thing he stuck around, given Elain would definitely have postponed her engagement forever if she’d had that kind of peace. 

Elain pushed those thoughts from her mind. For six blissful hours, Elain did nothing but practically bathe in dirt. She returned that afternoon sweaty, her overalls caked in fertilizer and soil and with two broken nails. She came back happy.

Lucien paused, walking the familiar path from his bedroom to the dining hall. “What’s got you so happy?” “How can you tell I’m happy?” she replied, as if she wasn’t grinning ear to ear. Even Lucien couldn’t ruin the good day she’d had. 

Lucien frowned. “You’re glowing.”

Elain might have asked him to expand on that had she not been so surprised. Lucien continued forward, his immaculate shoes clipping over the wood floors they’d bickered over for weeks. Elain hated that Lucien was right—both the herringbone pattern and the crisp, light wood had been the right way to go. 

She watched him go, eyes narrowed. That was, perhaps, the nicest thing Lucien had ever said to her. Elain wasn’t even certain he’d paid her a compliment at all. Arms crossed over her chest, Elain turned for the winding stairs that would take her far, far away from him.

Not even Lucien could ruin a perfect day. 

-*-

Lucien was insane. That was the only way to describe what was currently happening in the courtyard. He’d lost his mind, holed up with only Elain for company, and was now certifiable.

How else did one explain the four roaming hens making a mess of things. 

“Lucien!” Elain screamed, hands balled into fists. 

He took his time, dressed immaculately in a butter yellow button up and charcoal slacks. Elain marched toward him, leaned against the archway that led back in.

“Do you think I won’t make you try and catch them?” she asked him, furious he’d brought livestock to the castle. “Because I will, Lucien. I swear to God—”

“You wanted farm to table, Elain. Now you have four egg laying hens, and a pen just out back by your greenhouses. What could you possibly be upset by?”

“You’re a stupid blighter, Lucien,” she snapped, resisting the urge to shove him. “You know this isn’t what I meant.”

He pressed a hand to his broad chest. “How could I possibly know anything about what you mean when you refuse to speak to me?”

“I wonder why!” 

“I thought you wanted to be partners,” he chided, making a mockery of her.

“I did, Lucien. You’ve been nothing but rude and petty this entire time!”

“Yes,” he replied dryly, his eyes wholly focused on her. She wondered if she was glowing to him now, or if some other color had overtaken her. “I have been the problem.”

“You have,” she snarled, taking two steps forward to jam her fingers into his chest. “Spoiled, princely Lucien Vanserra didn’t get his way. Has to share one of his toys with me. You could have left me here and stayed in London, but you couldn’t stand—”

“That’s enough!” Lucien snapped, his chest rising and falling. “You’ve said quite enough. Anymore and I think it’ll be unforgivable.”

Elain yielded a step, unsure when she’d come so close to him, or when she’d begun to notice he smelled like warm cinnamon and leather. 

“The hens aren’t going back, Elain. They’re a gift.”

With a huff of air, Lucien turned, walking off like he’d been the one injured and not her. Like she hadn’t just dumped a bunch of brown and white hens in the middle of her lap with no concern given to their lives or her ability to even care for them.

Elain was a plant girl—not an animal one. She sighed, bending as one particular white feathered bird rubbed its face over her leg. 

“Alright,” she grumbled, holding the bird in her hands. “I suppose we ought to get you four settled.”

By the time Elain had corralled all four birds, she’d also given them names, marked by yarn she’d tied gently against one of their legs. Henrietta wore pink, while Laya green, Cooper yellow, and Meggatron wore purple. Elain spent the rest of her day in the village, talking with a local farmer who had, coincidentally, sold Lucien the hens, on how best to care for the birds while dodging his attempts to unload several more on her. 

Elain would have her revenge in the form of the sweetest hen, who, over the course of several irritating days, became her strange companion. Henrietta followed her about, weaving through her flower beds and her newly laid path, clucking her observations while Elain pretended she knew what was being spoken. 

Lucien could now join her outdoors if he wanted—and he often did, if only to annoy her. Henrietta didn’t like him. Perhaps she remembered how he’d dumped her out here to fend for herself. Maybe he just radiated something the chicken didn’t like. Whatever it was, Henrietta’s feathers would ruffle, flapping as she chased after him and nipping at his ankles until he was far from Elain. Only then would Henrietta waddle back, preening and waiting for Elain to stroke her feathers. 

“She’s a menace!” Lucien snarled one day, watching Elain from the patio, arms crossed over his chest. 

“She’s a gift,” Elain replied, throwing his own words right back into his face. Lucien had given her, perhaps, her first real friend. A bird friend, but a friend all the same. Every morning Elain traded her hens eggs for breakfast, and every afternoon while the other ladies traipsed about, clucking gossip and exploring their enclosure, Henrietta inspected the grounds, kept Lucien far from Elain, and Elain got to waste time outdoors while Lucien focused on their internal operation.

It was always meant to be that way in Elain’s mind. She’d handle the aesthetic, the day to day, and Lucien would oversee the financials, the business-y things Elain couldn’t be bothered with. Elain still had hope that could be their arrangement if Lucien ever got over his desperation to be freed of her. 

Elain was careful that evening with her hens, looking up at the sky which seemed moodier than usual. The air whipped around her, far colder than the day had been, and beneath her, Elain could hear the ocean crashing against the cliffside chaotically. 

She debated bringing them inside, weighing the damage they might do indoors with what a storm would do outdoors. Elain locked them up, deciding they’d be fine. She was anxious, though, watching the windows all evening as if a raging hurricane was going to just appear on the horizon.

By the time Elain fell asleep, the night was merely windy and nothing else. She felt silly for how stressed she’d been.

And vindicated when she woke to the sound of glass breaking in the distance. The castle had come with old, thin stained glass she and Lucien had argued endlessly about keeping. Most of it had been ruined, but some had managed to survive centuries of abuse. Lucien had wanted to carefully cut it out and preserve it while Elain wanted to keep it in the windows. She’d won that argument, perhaps to her detriment.

Elain kicked off the blankets, heart pounding. Dressed in a thin tank top and hip hugging shorts, Elain flew down the hall toward the sweeping steps that would take her to the grand hall. All she could think about was her chicken, locked outside in that rickety pen.

Elain’s bare foot hit the wood, propelling her forward. She ran for the door and might have made it had a strong arm not caught her around the middle. Lucien hauled her off her feet, stumbling when she flailed. The two of them hit the ground in a tangle of limbs.

“What are you doing?” he demanded, just barely visible to her in the dark.

“The chickens, Lucien, let me go—”

He’d pinned her back to his chest, wrapping muscular legs around her waist to keep her trapped on the ground.

“Don’t be a muppet,” Lucien grunted, struggling to keep her from breaking free. “That storm will blow you right off the cliff.”

Elain’s panic threatened to overwhelm her. “Lucien, Lucien please, please let me go—”

Somewhere in the castle, more glass shattered under a deafening crack of thunder. Lucien’s strong arms came up over her face, pulling her closer as if he expected that glass to explode around them. Elain turned into him, feeling his thudding heart through her skin. Lucien wasn’t wearing a shirt, she realized. Just a pair of loose trousers slung low over his hips. 

“I’ll be fine,” she breathed, ignoring the way the wind howled. She’d be lucky if all her plants survived this night. “Let me go.” Lucien’s hold on her relaxed enough for her to stand. Elain took his hand in hers, knowing that if she was struggling to see, it would be twice as bad for Lucien. He allowed her to haul him to his feet, fingers laced as the pair of them went toward the door. Elain didn’t dare look up at him, nor did she drop his hand as she unlocked the front door and pulled.

Wind slammed into the pair of them, causing a jumpy Lucien to shove her behind his much larger frame. The world was a violet shade of black, and moving sideways in the rain. She could see nothing at all and knew, looking outward, that Lucien was right. It was foolish to go out there and risk being harmed. 

“Elain,” he warned, one arm thrown out before her. “You can’t.”

A soft sob escaped her. “I knew I should have brought them in.

It took Lucien effort to close that door, leaving the fury of nature to rage against the wood and stone. Instead, Lucien took her hand again, either to steady himself or to comfort her. She assumed it must be the former, given how little he thought of her.

“Come on,” he said, tugging her to the left. Elain flipped lights on as they went, which improved the confidence with which Lucien moved, though he never dropped his hold. He took her to the study they shared, a familiar battle ground and the only place the two of them willingly went to see the other.

Lucien put Elain in a chair before seating himself not behind the desk as he so usually did, but on the arm, the two facing the wall of windows behind the desk that would tell them when the storm ended. 

“You can go back to bed,” she told Lucien, angling her body so her legs were tucked beneath her. Her head was just a tad too close to his thigh, something that would have bothered her any other time. Now, it seemed almost comforting to have him so close.

“I’m fine,” Lucien replied, his eyes not on the windows, but on her. Maybe it was her fear—or maybe curiosity finally won out—but Elain couldn’t help herself.

“What do you see?”

His eyebrows raised ever so slightly. “Very little,” he admitted after a moment. “Shapes, color. The further away I am, the more of a haze it appears.”

“And when you’re close?”

“Even if we touched nose to nose, I’d never truly know what you look like.”

Elain nodded. “Does it bother you?”

“No,” he murmured, turning his head away. “Not anymore. 

It was the end of her questions. Anything else was obscenely personal and though she and Lucien had struck a strange, almost friendly truce in the moment, she knew once the storm quieted, she would pay for this moment of weakness. 

Elain fell asleep to the sound of thunder and the worry that all her chickens—including her beloved Henrietta—would be dead in the morning. 

She woke to Lucien’s voice. “Hey,” he murmured, poking her in the ribs. She opened her eyes to find him crouched before her, this time in a plain white shirt. And tucked beneath his arm was a bleary eyed, rather exhausted looking Laya. 

“Henrietta?” she asked, thinking only of her favorite.

“Tried to murder me on sight,” he replied dryly, giving Elain the bird. “But they’re all alive…as well as your plants.”

He’d never been so close to her. In the hazy morning glow, Elain saw the shadow of a beard grazing his sharp jaw. She thought of his chest, all carved muscle now hidden beneath a t-shirt stretched over his body, and how he’d held her down with so little effort.

How he’d used his own body to shield her not once, but twice. 

“Thank you,” she told him. Lucien didn’t quite look at her, nodding silently. He rose to his feet, tall as he looked down his nose at her.

“Get that bird out of our house, Elain.”

And that was that. 

-*-

“What happened to your face?”

Graysen’s question drew Lucien’s attention from across the room. Eyes narrowed, knuckles white as he gripped his pen. Elain hated that every time Graysen spoke, she found herself looking at Lucien. She ought to look at Graysen, who she wanted so badly to be happy to see. She’d been right to think Gray would hate Lucien, but she’d also thought Lucien would like Gray.

She’d been very wrong. Lucien loathed Graysen for reasons that eluded her, and the entire week had been either avoiding the pair of them entirely, or trading verbal insults with Graysen. He’d also begun joining them at dinner, providing a buffer between her and her tense fiance. 

“It’s a sunburn, Gray,” Elain replied, embarrassed to have both of their attention on her. 

“Ah, of course. My wife is so very common.”

She hated when he called her his wife. He made it sound like something filthy, something insulting. 

“Did you not see the vegetables Elain has been growing?” Lucien inquired, his expression betraying the fight that was brewing. His fingers drummed against the wood grain of the desk while

Graysen sat in the same chair she and Lucien had slept in not a week before. 

“I saw the livestock,” Graysen replied, his brown eyes laser focused on Lucien. “Elain says that was your doing.”

Elain winced.

“Yes,” Lucien agreed, reclining back in his chair. He was so obviously the lord of the castle, and though she was loathe to admit it, her ally in that moment. “They are like children to me.”

She stifled a laugh. 

“I was just telling Elain how capable you seem. Everything is in order, is it not? She could return this evening with me. Tell her, Vanserra, that she’s not needed.”

Elain looked up at Lucien, who in turn was staring right back. Was she a haze to him? Could he feel her desperation, her sinking misery as she realized Lucien was about to get everything he wanted. Graysen would needle her into going home, into finishing their wedding planning. As Elain was hit with the realization she didn’t want to marry Graysen—like, at all— Lucien replied,

“Elain is very needed. None of this works without her.”

“Oh, that seems impossible,” Graysen snapped, his temper rising to the surface. “I see her little touches, but what does Elain know of running a business? I assumed that was what you were for.”

“You assume wrong. I merely pick out paint swatches,” Lucien replied dryly. “And, of course, tend to my beloved chickens.”

“What exactly is going on between you two?” Graysen demanded. He rose from his chair, eyes on Elain. She hadn’t told Graysen that Lucien couldn’t see, which might have settled some of the jealousy now careening through him. He went to her, wrapping a possessive arm around her waist. Funny, how common and mediocre she was right up until another man might have even a passing interest. 

“Nothing, Gray, come on—Graysen he’s blind, he can’t see you!” she snapped when he pressed his mouth possessively against her own. He’d begun to grope her through her dress, which filled Elain with miserable shame. 

A lazy smile graced Lucien’s handsome features. “If Elain wants to return and plan her wedding, she knows she always has a place here. That won’t change.”

Elain wrenched herself from Graysen’s grasp, striding across the room. Elain couldn’t be sure Lucien was being honest. For one terrible moment, she considered leaving with Graysen and going back to London, where she knew she’d fold like cardboard. Graysen’s family was without titles, was self-made in the same pretend way her father was—generational wealth that went back generations, had allowed both her father and Graysen’s to create new business ventures that had become wildly successful. 

“You heard him,” Graysen followed Elain out of the study and into the hall. “Go pack your things. This has gone on far too long.”

“You’re right,” Elain agreed, whirling on her heel. Lucien would hear the entire thing, which embarrassed her more than she was willing to admit. Better him than all of London when she was fleeing the altar at the last minute. At least Lucien would merely mock her in private. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Graysen’s features hardened. Elain took a step back, positioning herself in the doorway, trapped between Lucien at the desk and Graysen in the hall. “Can’t do what anymore?”

Elain couldn’t breathe. She hated confrontation. “I—”

“Sounds like she’s breaking up with you, mate,” came Lucien’s steady, cool voice. “What else could that possibly mean?”

Lucien was just behind her. She could smell the warm cinnamon and leather of his body, was certain if she took a step back she’d be touching him. 

“Who asked you?” Graysen demanded, hands balled into fists. “I don’t seem to recall wanting the opinion of a lowborn bastard—”

“Graysen!” Elain snapped, eyes wide. She threw out a hand as he surged forward, clearly looking to vent his fury on Lucien. In his haste, Graysen shoved Elain with more force than, perhaps, he’d meant to. She hit the corner of the door frame with a gasp, collapsing at Lucien’s feet from the echoing pain ricocheting through her temple. 

A crack of bone and Graysen’s groan told Elain that Lucien had retaliated. He’d hit him. Lucien had hit Graysen in the face. Graysen stumbled backwards, blood dripping from his nose. His eyes were wild with hatred and as Lucien began to crouch to help Elain to her feet, she saw what Graysen intended to do.

Lucien, of course, did not. She flung herself upward as Graysen lunged, sending both her and Lucien flying to the floor. Elain screamed, her fall broken by Lucien’s body. They knocked over a small table, shattering a lamp and sending several well chosen books thudding to the ground with them.

“Don’t!” Elain demanded breathlessly as Lucien locked his legs around her. They were sitting on the floor, chest to back, staring up at a bleeding, enraged Graysen. “Don’t you dare touch him!”

Something like regret flitted over Graysen’s features. He offered Elain his hand and Elain, in turn, pressed closer to Lucien. “Get out, Gray.”

“Don’t you ever come back,” Lucien added roughly from behind her. 

Graysen set his jaw. “I get it, Elain. Why you’d prefer someone who can’t see how terribly mediocre you are. How utterly plain—a disappointment to everyone who loves you.”

Lucien started to stand, but Elain grabbed his wrist, pulling him back to the ground. She’d expected this lashing out. Hurting her to make himself feel better. That was Graysen’s way.

He left her there on the floor, raging as he made his way upstairs for his things. Elain winced, rising to her feet only when she heard the front door slam.

She brought Lucien with her.

“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking out his bruised, bleeding hand. “Hitting him was a mistake.”

“Are you hurt?” Elain asked, though what she wanted to say was, why did you hit him? 

The sound of rubber against pavement drew them further apart. Elain knew their engagement wasn’t over. Graysen would go home and sulk for a day or two before he tried calling. Tried reframing what happened as somehow her fault, or Lucien’s, or some trauma from his childhood that still haunted him. 

That would be when they’d truly be done. Elain would say it again, with feeling, and then she’d deal with the ugly fallout. She’d make all the apologies and let Graysen paint her as a whore, shacking up with Lucien Vanserra out in the country, despite her and Lucien just barely able to tolerate each other.

Or, she thought anyway.

“No,” he murmured, looking at his hand before reaching for her face. Lucien’s thumb swept over the forming bruise, eliciting a hiss from Elain. She jerked from his grasp.

“I’m fine. It was an accident.”

“Sure. How often do these kinds of accidents happen?”

And Elain hated him, because she couldn’t say it was the first time she’d been shoved by Graysen. Or the first time she’d excused it as an accident. Her silence was damning. 

“Right,” Lucien finally said, drawing a deep breath. “Well, far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, but—”

“It’s over,” she said softly, swallowing the urge to cry. “There’s no need.”

She started to walk away, intending to ice her face and lay down and pretend none of this had happened. Lucien would let her, she thought. He’d go back to ignoring her, just as she’d been ignoring him.

Elain turned. “Thank you. For ah…”

He nodded, clenching his jaw. “It was nothing.”

How wrong he was.

-*-

Elain and Henrietta were pulling weeds from a crack along the sidewalk when Lucien’s shadow blotted out the sun. Henrietta immediately began squawking, lunging for his ankles. Elain caught the bird as Lucien stopped back, brows furrowed. 

“That bird is a menace.”

“You bought her,” Elain reminded him, not for the first time. “You brought your own worst enemy into our home.”

“So I did,” Lucien murmured, blinking against the brightness of the day. 

“Did you want something, Lucien?” she asked, shifting from foot to foot before him. Lucien so rarely came to see her unless he wanted to complain or pick a fight. Despite a shared moment with Graysen–who still hadn’t called her, despite going on day five—she and Lucien had slid right back into their usual squabbles with no trouble at all.

“Would you come to the village with me?”

“Me?”

But Elain knew why he wanted her to go with him. It was new and unfamiliar, and even with his cane, Lucien was wary of places he’d never been before. There were whole swaths of the castle Lucien had never ventured, places Elain would retreat to when he was especially irritating. 

Lucien said nothing at all, waiting for her to either tell him yes or no. Elain sighed softly. 

“Yes, I’ll go, but only if you swear to be polite to everyone we meet.”

He pressed one of his large, strong hands against his chest. “I am always polite.”

As if his knuckles weren’t still bruised from hitting Graysen. 

“You have never been polite a day in your life.”

“You wound me,” Lucien said in the driest tone known to man. She didn’t know why it made her smile.

“I’m starting to think you’re quite charming.”

“I am incredibly charming,” Lucien told her, following behind her as she went to secure Henrietta away.

“What does that say about me, then?” she wondered, more to herself than to him. 

“You are terribly unlikable,” he said, her voice suggesting the opposite was true. Elain didn’t dare touch that, opting instead to brush her fingers against the back of his hand. 

“This way.”

He brought his cane with him, rolling it over the pavement as they walked. He still kept close, his free hand occasionally bumping the back of hers as they went. 

“Step,” she murmured, grabbing his hand as the path became steep and narrow, carved out centuries ago when people didn’t have such wide feet or were somehow better able to balance themselves. 

“Thank you,” Lucien replied, squeezing her hand as they went down together. 

“So…your brother,” Elain began, wondering what topic was safe to broach. Probably not the rumors his mother had killed his father.

Surely Eris Vanserra was safe to discuss.

“Like his movies, do you?”

“He’s very handsome,” Elain said by way of agreement, unwilling to admit that Lucien was far lovelier. 

Lucien scoffed. “Wait until you meet him.”

“Is he coming here?” she asked. Lucien had never mentioned his family and they’d never come to visit, either. She was surprised he’d kept this from her.

Pink stole over his cheeks. “I’m sure he will,” Lucien mumbled. “He’s a nosy fucker.”

“Is he as charming as he seems?”

“Hardly,” Lucien replied, some of his embarrassment fading. “Eris is an asshole and everyone who knows him well thinks so.”

“Well, I can’t wait to meet him. And…and your mother? She was an actress, wasn’t she?”

Lucien nodded, his grip on her hand tightening. “Before my father.”

“You didn’t want to act?”

“I don’t have the face for it,” Lucien said. 

 Elain, forgetting that he was talking about his scars, retorted, “You must be the best looking man I’ve ever seen. Of course you have the—”

Lucien was grinning ear to ear. “You’ve ever seen?”

They’d readed the edge of the village, which was more of a sprawling town than anything. Elain quite liked it, with the cozy farmland that stretched further inland, and the vine covered structures that made her feel as though she’d stepped into the pages of a storybook. 

“That’s not—I didn’t mean—”

“You must be looking at some dreadful men.”

“I think I proved I was,” she grumbled, pulling her hand from his. Lucien was still smiling, still so obviously delighted by her admission. “Surely you must know that.”

“It has been said before. Usually with the caveat that the scar diminishes it.”

“Well,” Elain murmured, feeling more stupid by the moment. “It doesn’t.”

“I’ll take your word for it, given how lovely my mother assures me you are.”

It was Elain’s turn to look at him. “Your mother said that?”

“She said a lot of things about you.”

“Such as?”

“That you were quite accomplished and that I ought to endeavor to be a little nicer.”

“Well,” Elain sniffed, secretly pleased that someone's mother liked her. “She’s right.”

“So I’m learning. We got off on the wrong start. I’ll take all the blame for that.”

“Why did we?” she asked, falling into step with him as they began walking the uneven cobblestone streets. Elain was tempted to take his hand again under the guise of keeping him from tripping, though in truth she liked the steady warmth of his touch. 

He blew out a breath. “You aren’t the only one with a failed engagement.”

“You—?”

“Not me,” he interrupted, a dark shadow passing over his face. “Her. She—”

“Was stupid?” Elain offered in the most light hearted tone she could imagine. “And you’ve been hiding out here ever since?”

A whisper of a smile slid over his face. “Something like that.”

"I suppose we can hide together now. I doubt I’ll be able to show my face in London anytime soon.”

Lucien glanced down at her. “I could live with that.”

“Well that’s good,” Elain said lightly, ignoring the jolt that passed through her when his fingers brushed hers. “Because you have no choice.”

“Neither do you.”

Elain had to look away to keep him from seeing how she smiled.

No choice sounded so good. 

-*-

Lucien found Elain in the drawing room, staring at her phone with misty eyes. She heard the clipping tones of the soles of his shoes before she saw him, dressed in black trousers and suspenders hugging a muscular frame. She liked the navy of his shirt, liked how he always rolled his sleeves to his elbows. 

“There you are,” he murmured, dropping a stack of envelopes in Elain’s lap. He didn’t know she was sad, nor did he care. “It’s time to start thinking about hiring staff.” “What is this?” she asked, clearly her throat. Lucien paused, brows knitting together.

“Resumes…is…are you well?”

“Perfectly content,” she lied. Feyre had texted that she was getting married to a man Elain had once to be nothing more than a fairytale. In a month, no less. It was dredging up old feelings—of wanting to be married and how Graysen was still ignoring her, waiting for her to come crawling back to him. It put a giant question mark on everything. If she’d been less of a coward she would have just called him and ended things definitively. 

Elain never wanted to talk to him again. The bruise on her face had just faded, and Lucien’s knuckles were no longer swollen. It was as if Gray had never been there. Almost like she’d never met him, despite the engagement ring sitting on her desk upstairs. She needed to return it to him. 

“I ah…” Lucien cleared his throat. “Did something happen?”

“No. My sister is getting married,” she said, careful to adopt her cheeriest tone.

“Ah,” Lucien replied, coming around the sofa. Elain pulled her legs back quickly before Lucien sat on them, leaving a cushion of space between them. “You’re missing Graysen, then?”

“No,” she said too quickly. She sounded like a liar. “No, I don’t miss him, I just…I don’t know. My whole life I thought I’d be married first. It was…” How embarrassing to admit it had been her biggest goal. “It was what was expected of me.”

Lucien raised his brows. “So you want to be married?”

“Shut up,” she grumbled. 

“Who is she marrying?”

Elain looked back at her phone. “Rhysand Campbell—”

“Oh.”

Elain stared him down. “What do you mean, oh?”

“You can’t be too mad about that. He’s a Campbell.”

“That’s meaningless to me, Lucien.”

“A Marquess, the Duke of Campbell's only son. Distantly in line for the throne, I’m sure. Obscenely wealthy. I’m surprised they managed to keep it a secret.”

“You don’t know Feyre, then,” Elain murmured, resting her head on her elbow against the back of that ugly pink couch. “I’m sure this quick wedding is her attempt to keep things quiet.”

“Are you going?”

“Of course. I’m going to offer some of the things I already put deposits on.”

The air was thick around them. “It gets easier,” he finally said, misunderstanding her.

“I don’t miss Gray. We moved so fast, and…” And it was all wrong, though she didn’t know how to say that outloud, either. “Your fiance left you, I take it?”

“For another man,” Lucien murmured, his eyes far away. “They’re married now.”

“Do you miss her?”

He frowned. “No. I forget about her entirely most days. But when it first happened, I felt adrift. Pointless. I loved her and how could I not see she’d fallen out of love with me?”  

Elain said nothing. What could she possibly offer to him that wouldn’t sound cheap or meaningless? They were just barely friends, still sniping more often than they didn’t. It felt less antagonistic to her, now, and more like a byproduct of clinging to their former dynamic in favor of whatever this was. 

“You’ll always be the one who got away from him,” Lucien finally told her. “So, at least you have that going for you. And, if what my mum says is true, you’ll be married by the end of the year to someone new.”

Elain swore she detected the faintest hint of bitterness in his words. “You know what we should do?” she asked, tossing his resumes to the coffee table.

“What?” he asked warily.

“Get drunk and watch a movie.”

A smile crept up his face. “Are you hiding a television somewhere, Elain?”

She grinned. “In my bedroom.”

It was how they found themselves sitting on her rose and cream duvet, surrounded by several bottles of wine—no cups, which Lucien swore wouldn’t be necessary—a few bags of crisps, and a selection of the worst horror movies known to man.

“Here are the rules,” Lucien began before pulling the cork of his bottle of red out with his mouth. “Drink every time someone makes an unfathomably stupid mistake. Drink every time American politics get referenced. Drink if two people have improbable sex during the worst possible moment.”

Lucien had told Elain he enjoyed movies, despite his limited sight. In the driest tone imaginable, he’d said, “I do possess an imagination, you know,” which had shut her right the hell up. 

“Also drink anytime something horrible is a reference to being a woman,” Elain told him, earning an arching look. 

“I’ll leave it to you to let me know when that happens.”

“Oh, I will be,” Elain assured him. It should have been strange to have this man she’d hated for so long stretched out against her bed. Instead, Elain thought it was so normal it was above approach. She turned on the movie and immediately the pair began drinking. More rules were added—every time someone pulled off a shoe to throw it at the murderer, every time someone tripped over a tree root, every time someone stopped running to scream.

Elain was well and truly drunk by the time they were halfway through. Lucien was laying against her pillows, hand on his stomach as he laughed himself stupid. Elain was on her stomach, head propped up on her hands, defending the choice to go into the cellar.

“The door locks!” she insisted while Lucien wheezed, laughing harder than she’d ever seen.

“God, Elain, I’m begging you, stop. I can’t breathe—”

“You’re being an ass,” she grumbled. Lucien had paused so he could try and choke down his laughter.

“You’re telling me, if someone broke into our castle, you’d go running for the dungeons?” he asked, wiping at the tears beneath his eyes. “Would you chain yourself up for them, too?”

“I’d leave them to Henrietta,” Elain snapped.

Lucien chuckled, about to make some remark about Elain’s chicken when her phone rang shilly. Lucien, startled, rolled off the side of the bed with a heavy thud. Elain giggled, reaching for the device on her nightstand.

Graysen. 

Elain hit answer, putting him on speaker before she could chicken out. “Hello?”

“Darling,” Graysen began. Lucien’s head popped up from behind the bed, tendrils of copper-colored hair falling against his face. “I need you to come home this weekend.”

Lucien crawled back up the bed, mouthing what?! as Elain shrugged helplessly.

“For what purpose?”

But she knew. Graysen was going to pretend nothing had happened. He’d spent the week mulling over what had happened and must have come to the conclusion that he was wrong. He couldn’t apologize, though, so instead he’d pretend nothing happened. Let her slide back into the familiar dynamic without risking a fight.

“Father will be in town and wants to discuss some aspects of our wedding.”

“No.”

Lucien gave Elain a thumbs up and a smile.

“No?”

“We broke up,” Elain reminded him as everything she’d rehearsed flew out the window. Lucien’s presence was helpful. She kept her eyes on his hand pressed against the bed. It was a reminder of what he’d once done, and what he might do again. 

“You can’t mean it,” Graysen protested after a moment of silence. “Elain, it was one fight.”

More lies. “I’ll send the ring back. Keep whatever deposits you can get back.”

“Elain, talk to me—”

“I don’t want to,” she whispered. And with that, Lucien reached over and ended the call. 

“He doesn’t get to ruin tonight,” Lucien told her, blocking Graysen’s number before he could call again. “Or any other nights.”

Elain sighed. “I don’t know if I can.”

“C’mon,” Lucien said, clearly rallying for her. He thrust his bottle of wine into her hands, nodding at the neck. “Drink.”

Elain did, and as it turned out, Lucien was right. Drinking masked how badly she felt until she didn’t feel bad at all. Of course, then Elain felt nothing, which explained how she found herself asleep in bed, still in her sage colored sundress from the night before. One leg was thrown over Lucien's waist, her cheek stuck to his bare chest, unbuttoned but still technically draped in the navy button up. He had one hand resting on her hip, the other dangling from the edge of the bed. 

For the life of her, Elain could not remember how they’d ended up like this. She didn’t remember the end of the movie, either. 

“Lucien,” she whispered. He grunted in response. 

Elain tried to pull away but Lucien’s grip tightened.

“Don’t,” he rasped, eyes shut tight. “If you move, I think I might throw up.”

“I have to pee,” she said, rolling over clumsily only to fall out of bed. The whole room was spinning, and Lucien wasn’t wrong. Elain used the bathroom and was braced over the sink, wondering if she was going to puke, when he came stumbling in and occupied the toilet.

“We drank too much,” he gasped as Elain tumbled to the floor so she could hold his hair. Cheek resting against the cool wall, Elain nodded. 

“It was fun, though. Right?”

“It was,” he agreed. “I can’t wait to do it again.”

-*- 

Was Elain insane? 

Yes, Lucien was good-looking. That was like saying the sky was blue or her name was Elain. It was merely a fact, one she’d always been aware of. What was new to Elain was thinking Lucien was hot. He’d tied his hair into a messy bun at the nape of his neck, had rolled the sleeves of his white shirt, and sat with his ankle over his knee just beside her as they began the process of interviewing new staff members.

Elain couldn’t focus. She kept staring at the veins running from his hands into the corded muscle of his forearms. Elain was hyper aware of his thighs, outlined in his nice pants, and the cut of his jaw. Lucien was wholly unaware of her attention, and why shouldn’t he be? Just that morning Elain had called him a wanker over toast and jam. 

Lucien offered up a dazzling smile to the young woman they were meeting with before sending her out. He waited until the door closed to sigh, stretching long legs out in front of him. Elain had to look away.

“That’s the last one,” he said, stretching his neck. “Who did you like?”

“Er–” You. “They were all good.”

“That is my exact problem, too. Probably later tonight we should go back over resumes and pick who is best qualified.”

“Yeah. Maybe over dinner?” she suggested, well aware what she was asking him for was a date. She was losing her mind. 

“That works for me,” he said absently, glancing over at her. Elain was dressed far too nice and she knew it—Lucien couldn’t see the swell of her breasts or the way the skirt of her dress was riding up her thighs. Elain didn’t know how else to communicate to him that she liked him—or even if she wanted him to know. 

He stood and so did she, unsure why. You’re losing your mind, Elain. Sit back down. 

Lucien glanced over. “Are you okay?”

“Tired,” she said too quickly, the word half a squeak. “Just–tired.”

He looked like he might say something before nodding, leaving her alone in the drawing room. Without his presence, Elain felt almost rational. Normal. 

Well, normal except for wondering what his mouth would feel like pressed against her own. But otherwise Elain was totally normal.  Sane, even, when she went into the dining room to find Lucien undoing his top button. He had a glass of what looked like gin and something set before him, along with a spread of resumes. Elain indulged in a quick fantasy of him tossing them to the floor, grabbing her by the waist, and hoisting her atop the table where he’d kiss her until someone of her good sense returned. 

“Want to get started?”

I’ll show you started— “Yeah,” she managed, sinking into a chair. Lucien joined her at the head, drumming his fingers absently against the table. 

It was hell. That’s where she was, that’s what was happening. Sitting three feet from him, his shirt unbuttoned just enough that she could see the barest hint of his chest. Broad hands gripped around that glass he kept bringing to his lips. She was, as she so often was, grateful he couldn’t see any part of her. It was bad enough her fidgeting occasionally drew his attention.

They were getting nowhere, thanks to Elain’s distraction. He did notice that.

“Nervous about going home?”

“Huh?”

“Your sisters wedding?” he clarified, pink creeping up his neck. That was interesting, she decided. What was he embarrassed about?

“Oh. Yeah, I suppose I am a little distracted.”

“We’re nearly done,” Lucien hedged, tilting his head in her direction. “Though, just in time for the off-season.”

“I was thinking that, too. Maybe we should…maybe we should slow down a little? Focus on finishing our renovations and look at hiring in February?”

Which, of course, wasn’t selfish at all. 

“What were you thinking?” he asked, unaware that Elain was merely trying to buy more of his time. 

“Well,” she chewed on her cheek. What was she thinking? “I—”

“Maybe we should consider installing televisions in the bedrooms?” he interrupted, back to drumming his fingers on the table. “And I was thinking it would be nice if we had a restaurant instead of the a la carte we were thinking.”

“Yes!” Elain breathed. Yes, getting a restaurant in one of the large halls would take so much extra time, which meant the two of them could continue living alone, sniping over the details. “I love that idea.”

More color flushed over his features. “We could go into the village tomorrow and see what…ah…right.”

Elain’s stomach sank. She’d be on her way to Feyre’s wedding tomorrow. “Well…you could always go without me. Tell me what you learn.”

“I’ll wait,” he said, and Elain swore there was heat beneath those two words. 

“It’s just a few days,” she added, wondering what would happen if she just left the morning after the wedding. “It won’t change anything.”

He nodded, rubbing his fingers over his lips. “No, you’re certainly right.”

Lucien rose from his chair, shaking out his hands. “I ah…well, I should er…go…give the bad news.”

Elain watched. “Okay.”

Lucien seemed flustered and out of sorts—so wholly at odds with himself. He cleared his throat, looking as though he needed to say other things before finally leaving her, once again, alone to her thoughts. Elain stood, intending to follow him before she thought better of it.

Better to go to her own room before she did something stupid. Something rash. Her and Lucien were friends after six months of fighting. Why ruin it over a passing moment? Because somehow Lucien was still the nicest man she’d ever met? Certainly the best looking, which did little to help.

Elain slept like shit. She tossed and turned until she was miserable and dawn was peeking through her curtains. With nothing to do but shower and get herself ready, Elain whiled away the rest of her time at home curling her hair and checking her luggage one last time. 

Lucien was waiting in the hall just outside the door, pacing slowly back and forth. “I didn’t think you’d be awake,” she said, secretly delighted to see him. Lucien was casual, dressed in athletic shorts and a plain blue t-shirt.

It was his hair, though, that made her heart pound. He always had it pulled off his face but today he’d left it down to spill around his broad shoulders. While normally he seemed rakish and yet refined, that morning he was somehow undone. She’d seen him like that only once before when they’d drank too much in an effort to chase away her thoughts of Graysen.

Elain wanted to glide her fingers through the silken strands. 

“All set?” he asked when she was just in front of him. Elain plastered a smile on her face she knew he couldn’t see. He could hear it, though.

“I am,” she said brightly. “You didn’t have to see me off.”

But when she tried to push past him for the door, Lucien’s fingers curled around her wrist. “Elain,” he murmured, forcing her to look up at him. They were so close. She could have surged up on her tiptoes and kissed him if she liked. “Be safe.”

Elain kept her feet on the ground. “Of course. I’ll be back before you know it.”

Gently, she pulled her wrist from his grasp. Lucien wasn’t done, though Elain didn’t know it. He caught her elbow, pulling gently. Elain, head turned, started to ask what he was doing.

His lips connected with the corner of her mouth, though she suspected he’d meant to kiss her on the mouth. A rush of air escaped her and the kiss ended before she could lean into it. Before she could turn and grab him by the neck and kiss him like she’d wanted to the night before.

Lucien’s cheeks seemed to burn with heat. He blinked, dropping his hold on her, and before she could say a word, turned and left her there. 

Standing by the door.

Wishing he’d done far more.

[pochqmqri]

A few months ago, my copy of the "Limited Edition" Samurai Flamenco Complete Series Collection shipped from the UK, a release by Anime Limited.

As they are a UK-based anime distributor, their Blu-Ray discs are region locked to region code "B," which encompasses Europe. As such, I have a Blu-Ray player that is modified to be region-free, playing discs from anywhere in the world. I recommend buying one from this site, as you can get the best deals here.

Going over the product, despite the fact that it's labeled "Limited Edition," the release is pretty bare bones. It was also initially released back in October of 2021, and still remains available to purchase two years later.

Like most of Anime Limited's Collector's Editions, the release comes in a rigid slipcase illustrated with official artwork. The 22-episode anime is contained across 4 discs, evenly divided into two disc cases. Each case has a reversible slipcover illustrated with characters on both sides.

So let's talk about the contents of the discs. Although it doesn't say on the official website, there are three ways to watch the anime on this release: the French dub, the original Japanese with French subs, and the original Japanese with English subs (subtitles are the same as streaming, no subbed OPs/EDs/insert songs). These are a nice variety of options, but it would have been nice for a few more accessibility options for those who want it, such as the French dub having (dub-accurate) subtitles, and subtitles for those who are deaf or blind, as included with Anime Limited's release of "Looking for Magical Doremi" that I purchased earlier last year. There are a few extras on the discs, but those are just noncredit/blank versions of both opening and both ending themes.

Regarding the visuals, it should be noted that, when Samurai Flamenco aired on TV, it looked quite rough animation-wise. For the home media release in Japan, they made significant touchups here and there in each episode. From what I recall, the version that used to stream on Crunchyroll (before they removed it) was the original broadcast, while the one that streams/ed(?) on Funimation has the corrections. As there were quite a lot of corrections, I will link this post that does a in-depth look episode-by-episode of what changed between the two versions. Going back to Anime Limited's release, based on what I have seen and compared, I can safely say that this release uses the corrected footage, which I think most people can say is quite the plus.

I also want to clarify that this release does not contain any of the extras included with the Japanese home media release, such as the character drama CDs, soundtrack CDs, etc. All you're getting is a slipcase, the discs themselves, and creditless OPs and EDs. That's it.

To wrap it all up, despite the fact that this is a bare bones release, it is still a serviceable way to watch Samurai Flamenco. The anime has been taken off streaming services in the past few years, Netflix and Crunchyroll specifically, and as Manglobe went bankrupt years ago, the anime's future on streaming is bleak and uncertain. Anime Limited managed to secure a home release deal with Manglobe before they went under, so I've heard. Therefore, I definitely recommend owning a physical way to watch this underrated gem. Even so, Anime Limited has noted on their website that, as a limited edition release, they only have a limited number of stock, and once that runs out, they are not sure if they'll restock. So while it's been around for two years now, who can say for sure if it'll be around for any longer. On their website, it currently sells for £35 (approx $44.50 USD), but last year, Anime Limited held two sales that included this release, where in one sale, it went for as low as £8.33 (approx $10.50 USD). So, I also recommend you wait until their end-of-year holiday sale, I think it'll still be around then.

Anime Limited does ship internationally, but I want to warn you that there is a hefty international shipping charge attached. As I live in the US, it costs £25 (approx $32 USD), but I imagine that to more distant countries, it will cost a lot more.