#(most of my work friends are queer and if not they r very open minded lowkey casual ppl bc of our live experiences pretty much) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

freddiesaysalright · 5 years ago

Text

I Don’t Like You or Your Band

John Deacon x Reader

Summary: Reader is a music journalist, and a very popular one at that. She knew Deaky when they were teenagers. She’s written a pretty harsh piece about Queen.

Word Count: 10K

Tag List: @someone-get-a-medic @deakysgurl, @polarcrystall, @queer-heart-attack, @dewdarkdemon, @qweenly, @smittyjaws, @caborhapch, @amelialio, @flyawayhay, @hannahfuckingsucks, @hotspacedeaky, @julessbrown, @reavenedges-lies, @simmisblog, @anna-1946, @ziggymay, @retromusicsalad, @catch-a-deak, @winterssoldierrs, @casafrass, @cranberribread, @strawberry-lemonade0, @ilovetacos1267

A/N: This gets very smutty at the end, but that was the whole point! Also, this fic was inspired by the song, “I Don’t Like You or Your Band” by Kate Rhudy. Go check her out on Spotify, her whole album is awesome :)

Your cigarettes, your leather shoes You, your friends, and your middle class white boy blues You’ve become something I can’t stand Don’t even miss holdin’ your hand And I don’t like you or your band

Monday I was in love with a good, good man

He was kissing you. Shy and sloppy, reflecting the innocence of the moment. You reached for the buttons of his shirt, hands shaking. He went to do the same, his fingers tracing the hem of your sweater. It was soft and pink, as virginal as you were.

Your eyes snapped open. A tear leaked out and slid down your cheek. Why were you dreaming this now? Then you remembered. The Queen article was going out today. It was scathing. The thought made you nervous. Would the band see it? Would he see it? Did you care if he did?

You wiped your face and got up. You put on a simple dress and heels, pushing all thoughts of your past to the back of your mind. You didn’t want to think about him now. You didn’t want to think about him at all, really.

As you walked into you office, you said hello to the receptionist as you made your way to your empty desk. You usually had a copy of the week’s issue waiting for you, before they hit the shelves. Your brow furrowed.

“Y/N,” said your editor, Charles, as he sauntered over to you. “You ready for today’s issue?”

He waved the magazine in front of you before letting it fall onto your desk with a slap. Queen was spread across the front page. You looked away.

You nodded at Charles, resolving yourself to your pride in your work. Your history with John Deacon was irrelevant. In fact, you had not even disclosed it to Charles - or anyone - because you felt that it mattered that little.

“Hey, you’re from the same town as the bass player, right?” Charles asked.

A nervous twinge went through you. “Um, yeah.”

“Did you know him?”

“No,” you lied. “No, not really.”

***

“This is shit!” Roger cried, throwing down the magazine as he entered the studio. “Have you all read this review?”

“Oh, God, what is it now?” Freddie wondered, rolling his eyes.

“Listen,” Roger said irritably. “‘Queen is a band with talent that could best be described as above average. Their most redeeming quality is their frontman, Freddie Mercury, but even his eccentric style and quality vocals can’t make up for the fact that they’re just another wannabe Zeppelin. Only they don’t have half the lyrical depth or musical skill.’ What the fuck?!”

“Who’s the author?” Brian wondered.

“She’s a really well-known reporter,” Roger said. “She did that whole profile on Elton John last year that everyone loved. Y/N Y/L/N.”

John choked on the sip of water he was taking, and the other three turned eyes on him.

“Do you know her?” Freddie asked.

John coughed for a moment and had to catch his breath. “Yes.”

They all still stared at him. He cleared his throat. “What?”

“How do you know her?” Roger asked.

“We sort of went out when we were in school,” John explained. “I guess you could say she was my first real girlfriend.”

“Well - Christ, Deaks, what’d you do to her?” Roger wondered.

“Nothing!” John insisted. “I mean - I suppose we - well, it wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“Could you speak in complete sentences?” Brian asked cheekily. “So the rest of us might keep up?”

John ran a hand down his face and groaned. He mumbled something that the others couldn’t hear.

“Deaky, just tell us!” Roger cried.

“We were each other’s first times!” he finally came out with. “We were seventeen and it was weird and then I fucked off to London shortly after.”

Freddie burst into giggles. Roger sighed and Brian rolled his eyes.

“Why don’t you just ring her and apologize?” Roger suggested. “Maybe she’ll take back what she said.”

“Oh, come on,” John returned. “That article couldn’t possibly be a reaction to something that happened years ago. It’s probably just her honest opinion.”

“There’s no way that’s her opinion because the album isn’t shit and we’re not Zeppelin wannabes,” Roger insisted. “If anything, we also have an influence from Yes.”

“Which she also mentions,” Brian interjected, looking at the article again. “She really knows her stuff. Even if she is wrong about us.”

“If she really knew her stuff, she wouldn’t be wrong about us,” Roger said stubbornly.

“That gives me an idea,” Freddie said.

They all looked curiously at him.

“What is it?” Brian asked.

“Let’s invite her here,” Freddie said. “Let her see how our work comes together and how original we are. That is, if it isn’t too uncomfortable for you, Deaky, dear.”

“Look, it wasn’t like I left without saying anything,” John further explained. “We had a normal breakup, I thought.”

“Great!” Freddie said with an excited clap. “It’s decided! She’ll join us for the week!”

“Hold on, nothing is decided!” Roger argued, but Freddie was already gone to use the phone. “Well, I’m not going to be nice to her.”

“She wasn’t very nice to us first,” Brian said as if that settled the matter.

***

You were going through some papers on your desk as preliminary work for your next article. Your phone rang and you picked it up lazily.

“Y/N Y/L/N,” you answered.

“Ah, Miss Y/L/N,” said a strangely familiar voice on the other end. “This is Freddie Mercury.”

A chill ran down your spine and your heart nearly stopped. “What?”

“We’ve read your piece on our music, and I must say, darling, we believe you’re mistaken,” he said. “I have a proposition for you.”

“Look, Mr. Mercury,” you said, finding your voice again. “I was just doing my job. If you don’t like what I say, that’s your problem. At this point, Queen should be used to bad press.”

It was a low blow, but you didn’t care. Freddie only snickered.

“I like you, darling,” he said. “You’re feisty. But I’m about to make you an exclusive offer.”

“I’m listening.”

He arranged to meet you at a cafe between your office and their studio. You told Charles about the call.

“Y/N, are you serious?” he gasped.

“Do you want me to cancel?” you asked, concerned by his tone.

“Hello no!” he cried. “Take the meeting, and whatever exclusive they’re offering you. Find out everything you can about them. Dig up the dirt. Find me something we can use to take them down.”

“Take them down?” you wondered. “I don’t want to make shit up about them.”

“You won’t have to,” he said. “But get me something.”

“I’ll do my best,” you said warily.

“That’s a good girl.”

You clenched your teeth as you left the office. You hated when men talked to you like that. You were a grown woman, out on her own. You were not a little girl who needed the approval of anyone, especially not a man.

You went to the cafe where Freddie asked to meet. You spotted the band right away. Brian’s fluffy curls gave them away, but you first noticed John. He looked quite different with his long hair and fancy clothes. But he was still John. Whether or not that was a good thing remained to be seen. You loved the John you knew dearly. But he also hurt you.

“You must be Y/N Y/L/N,” Freddie said, getting to his feet and shaking your hand. The others offered you no such courtesy.

“I am,” you said. “Obviously, I know who all of your are.”

“Obviously,” Freddie said slowly, with a mischievous grin. “We wanted to talk to you about your article and offer an opportunity to...correct it.”

You frowned. “It doesn’t need correcting. The appeal of music is entirely subjective. Not everyone is going to think you’re the greatest band to walk the earth.”

“There’s no need to get defensive,” he said. “Especially since you haven’t heard our offer.”

“Well, make it then,” you said, crossing your arms over your chest.

“She’s right to business,” he remarked. “I like it.”

“You wanna make an arrangement or do you wanna fuck around?”

He laughed. It was charming in its own way. You tried not to let it infect you, but you felt the corners of your mouth nearly twitch. It didn’t help that you were ignoring John’s intense gaze.

“Spend the week in the studio with us,” he said. “See what we do. How we put our unique sound together. I guarantee you’ll change your mind.”

You cocked an eyebrow at him and then gestured to the rest of the band. “And you’re all on board with this?”

You scanned them. Roger glowered at the ground and didn’t answer. Brian nodded stiffly. Finally, you met John’s eyes. It took him a moment to respond, but when he opened his mouth, Freddie spoke.

“Deaky told us you’re old friends,” he said.

You weren’t looking at him, but you could feel his smirk. You continued to look at John and your gaze hardened.

“Oh?” you said coldly. “I don’t recall.”

You cut away from his stare, but you saw his mouth drop a little before he quickly closed it again. Your eyes found Freddie’s, and laughter danced behind them.

“What do you say?” he asked, ignoring his clear urge to take a dig at his friend. “One full week behind the scenes with Queen. And you’ll write a new story.”

“What if my opinion stays the same?” you challenged.

“You write it exactly how you see it,” he said. “If you don’t change your mind - although I’m sure you will, darling - you can write even more about how terrible we are.”

“You’re awfully confident,” you replied.

He shrugged. “Take it or leave it, love.”

“I’ll take it,” you said. “But just so you know, everything is on the record.”

“We wouldn’t have it any other way.”

With the deal in place, you went with them to the studio. You walked there right from the cafe since you had your notepad in your bag. You followed behind them, but John dropped back to walk beside you. You resisted rolling your eyes.

“Y/N,” he said. “It’s - uh - good to see you.”

“Wish I could say the same,” you returned, not looking at him.

He grabbed your arm and yanked you to a stop. You glared at him and wrenched yourself free.

“What’s up with you?” he demanded quietly so the other guys wouldn’t hear. “I thought our relationship was meaningful...that we still cared about each other.”

“You did?” you spat. “Well, imagine my surprise.”

He blinked. “What did I do?”

“It’s what you didn’t do,” you said. “Everything you fucking forgot when you left home, including me.”

“I never forgot you,” he insisted.

“You could have fooled me,” you bit back.

He looked away, clearly stung. You didn’t feel the least bit sorry for him.

“Is that why you wrote those things about Queen?” he asked.

You laughed humorlessly. “Oh, please. You’re not important enough to be my reason to write anything.”

With that, you jogged ahead, away from him. You made a silent vow to yourself that you would not go there again with him. That from here on out, you would keep everything professional. There was no need to face what had happened. That was behind you. And you weren’t going that way.

The first day with the band went smoothly. You didn’t interact very much with them, just quietly observing them from the booth. You had to admit they worked hard, overcame small disputes, and were experimental.

You noticed your eyes lingering on John throughout rehearsal. His face looked the same as it used to when he was concentrating on learning a new line for a song. He looked natural behind the bass, and for a moment, you forgot you were angry at him. It was like the old days, when he was with The Opposition, and you were just a young girl with doe eyes, and he was the rock star of your heart.

You shook your head to clear it. No. It would never be that way again. You knew only too well how that story ended.

Tuesday You left me unamused and unimpressed

The next day, you skipped going to your office entirely. You had called Charles from the studio and explained what they had offered, and you were pretty sure you heard him cry on the other end of the line. He again reminded you to find something “juicy” while you insisted you would still only report the truth. You could picture the way he rolled his eyes when he sighed at you.

“Must you be so annoyingly ethical?” he wondered.

“I’m a journalist, Charles, not a gossip columnist,” you returned, and hung up the phone.

So on Tuesday morning, you came straight into the studio. You heard voices in the booth. Knowing them to be the band’s, you stopped and listened. Since they didn’t know you were there, this was obviously off the record, but you were just curious.

“Honestly, I don’t know what you ever saw in her,” Roger said.

“She didn’t used to be…” John trailed off.

“Such a bitch?” Roger finished.

“I guess so,” John agreed. “When I knew her she was honestly the sweetest person I’d ever met. A really lovely girl.”

“Are sure it’s the same Y/N Y/L/N?” Brian joked.

They all snickered.

“Well, she mostly looks the same,” John said.

“I will give you that she’s a looker,” Roger said. “But it’s hard to believe that woman was ever a ‘really lovely girl.’”

“She was,” John insisted. “Really, she was. Her nickname in school was Judy because she reminded everyone of Judy Garland.”

Just hearing that endearment again - especially from John’s lips - drove a knife through your heart and twisted it.

“Judy Garland?” Roger returned, incredulous. “Are you joking?”

You decided to walk in now, lest this conversation go further into John’s memory of a girl that no longer existed.

“Morning, gents,” you said coolly.

Roger groaned, departed to the studio, and started fiddling with his drum set. He left the door open, but the rest of the band did not follow him just yet. Freddie looked at you.

“Sorry about him,” he said.

You shrugged. “I don’t care that he doesn’t like me. I don’t need anyone’s approval. Especially not some Cornish pixie drummer boy.”

Roger froze, dropping a drumstick, and scowled at you. Freddie cackled. John clapped his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. Even Brian let out a small chuckle. You just stared Roger down, cocking a challenging eyebrow at him. He said nothing, but he did flip you off through the window. You rolled your eyes and took a seat on the couch.

Brian joined Roger in the studio, picking up his guitar and slinging it across his body as he began tuning it. You watched how careful he was. Roger was too. They were meticulous about sounding exactly right. You observed this the previous day as well but thought they were just doing that because you were there. Clearly, this was their normal routine. You were just barely impressed.

They started playing through a song, but quickly began bickering about tempo. Roger accused Brian of going too slow, whereas Brian thought that was appropriate for the song. Voices were raised, insults were tossed, glares were exchanged. Freddie was giggling as he watched from the booth. John kept glancing at you, but you resolutely ignored him.

“Darlings, darlings,” Freddie said to Roger and Brian. “Please. We can settle this. Deaky, what do you think? Roger’s tempo or Brian’s?”

“Roger,” John said.

“Of course you side with him,” Brian snapped, rolling his eyes.

“Christ, Brian, it’s not personal,” John argued.

“Yeah, it’s because I’m right,” Roger added.

“I happen to side with you, Brian, dear,” Freddie interjected before it could escalate again. “So it’s a tie.”

“We don’t have a tie breaker,” John said.

Freddie smirked. “Sure we do. Y/N.”

Your eyes snapped to his. “What?”

“What do you think, darling?” he asked. “Brian or Roger?”

“I have no opinion,” you said flatly.

“We all know that’s not true,” he returned.

“This is all very democratic of you,” you said with a sigh. “But if I participated in the making of the music I’m supposed to be evaluating, wouldn’t that create a conflict of interest?”

“Don’t be difficult, Y/N, just tell us what you think,” John said shortly.

You shot him a glare. “No.”

“Why should she decide?” Roger chimed in. “She doesn’t even like our music.”

“All the more reason to believe she’s being honest,” Freddie pointed out.

“Or just petty,” Roger muttered.

“Did you even hear what she just said?” Freddie said. “She’s got principles.”

“I have been described as annoyingly ethical,” you said.

“Principles be damned, I don’t give a shit what she thinks,” Roger said.

You shrugged.

Freddie turned to you. “Just for fun. Off the record. Who do you think is right?”

“Off the record,” you repeated firmly. “Roger is right.”

Roger threw you a surprised look before a smug smile claimed his face. He looked triumphantly at Brian.

“What happened to not giving a shit what she thinks?” Brian spat.

“My opinion doesn’t count,” you reminded them. “It’s still a tie.”

Roger frowned. “Who was it that described you as annoyingly ethical?”

“My boss.”

“Smart man.”

“Look, let’s just count Y/N’s vote so we can move on,” John suggested.

“No,” you said. “You can’t.”

“Don’t worry, it was off the record,” Freddie said. “No one will know.”

“We’ll know,” you argued.

“And we shall all take it to the grave with us,” John said sarcastically. “Lest you be known as a music reviewer with a bloody opinion.”

“Oh, fuck y-” you began, but Freddie cut you off.

“Roger wins the popular vote,” he said. “Deaky, get in there and help them out.”

Your eyes bored hatred into John’s back as he entered the studio. You slumped back onto the couch, feeling a bit like a pouting child as you continued to observe them. John’s mouth was drawn downward as he grabbed his bass roughly. He licked his fingers before plucking at the strings. A motion that almost made you gasp. It was...sexy. You shook your head and crossed your legs with a huff.

You spent the rest of the day scratching your notes down harshly, lips pressed together with irritation. As they finished up, you started to put away your pen and paper. You slung your purse onto your shoulder and started to head out when your pocket knife slipped out of your bag and onto the floor. You reached down to pick it up, but John beat you to it. You snatched it out of his hand without even thanking him and stuffed it into your bag.

“Why are you carrying that?” he asked.

“Experience taught me I had to,” you replied.

“Experience?”

“I got fucking robbed, John, what do you want from me?”

“When?!” he wondered, eyes going wide.

“My first day in London,” you told him, unsure where this honesty was coming from.

You didn’t tell him that they man who did it made you strip, taking everything you had on you including your address book and money, so you shivered naked in an alley until a kind restaurant owner came out, saw the pathetic state you were in, and took you inside. She gave you a spare uniform and then offered you a job and a place at her flat until you could pay her back. Which you did in full. You also didn’t tell him you had only come to London looking for him.

His eyes searched yours. He found a hurt there that was bone deep. You were like a wounded dog, whimpering for a helping hand but prepared to bite the first one that touched you. Your glare was like bared fangs. Still, a part of him ached to reach out and risk you sinking your teeth in.

“That’s terrible,” he said, knowing exactly how lame it sounded.

You held his gaze. “I’ve been through worse.”

With that, you left the studio. John sighed and looked at the floor.

“She’s awfully cryptic, isn’t she?” Brian remarked.

“She’s so angry,” John said, half to himself.

“Forget about her,” Roger said, clapping John’s shoulder. “Let’s get a drink, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay,” he agreed.

Meanwhile, you walked to the pub you usually patronized in the evenings after work. It was actually the place you had worked after that first horrific night. The owner was still there and tended the bar on weeknights, so you went to see her. She always offered you a drink for free, but you never took it. She had already done too much for you.

“Y/N!” she called as you came through the door.

You beamed at her. “Cora!” You came around the bar to embrace her. “How are you?”

“I’m just fine for an old lady,” she replied. “How are you, my dear?”

You sighed, unsure how to answer her.

“I know that face,” she said. “You’re in need of a drink and conversation.”

“The drink I could use,” you replied. “The conversation, I’m not so sure about.”

She poured you your favorite, gin and tonic. You took a sip and thanked her.

“I’ll be right back, darlin’, just gotta pop in the back and get some wine glasses,” she said.

You stood up. “I’ll get them, Cora.”

“You don’t work here anymore, love,” she said with a grateful laugh.

“I’ll always take care of you,” you returned. “Besides, the doctor said you shouldn’t strain your back.”

You set your drink on the bar and then headed into the dish pit.

While you were in the back, Freddie, Brian, Roger, and John walked in. They took seats at the bar, leaving a few chairs between themselves and where your bag and drink sat. John thought it was yours, but wasn’t quite sure. Cora walked over to them and took their drink orders. You emerged again, carrying the rack of glasses and groaned when you spotted the band. Still, you brought the dishes behind the bar.

“Oh, Y/N,” said Freddie. “Do you work here too?”

“What, writing rubbish about music not paying the bills?” Roger jabbed.

“Piss of, Roger,” you snapped. “I don’t work here, but I used to.”

“Are these friends of yours, Y/N?” Cora wondered, eyes flickering between you and the band.

“Cora, this is Queen,” you said gently. “I’m re-evaluating them.”

She released a delighted giggle and clapped her hands. “Oh, my! Well, it’s not every day we have real rock stars in our little pub! Welcome, lads!”

“Thank you, darling,” said Freddie.

Cora just grinned widely at him. A warm smile danced across your lips as you took in her excitement. John’s eyes landed on you and he saw, for a fleeting moment, the girl he knew. But at that moment, a man approached you and asked you to join him at his table. You agreed, wiggling your fingers at Cora as she watched you cross the room.

“You two seem very close,” Brian said casually. “How long did she work here?”

“Just over a year, actually,” Cora said. “But she lived with me too.”

“How did that happen?” John wondered.

“Well, I found her right outside this building,” she explained. She told them all how she found you, to their shock. Even Roger felt pretty sorry for you.

“I couldn’t just leave her out there, shivering and alone,” she continued. “My Christian heart wouldn’t let me. So I took her in. But she took care of herself really once she started to make some money. I know she did some...unsavory things to earn the extra. I offered to help her, but she refused to take even one penny from me.”

“Why didn’t she just go home?” Roger asked.

Cora shrugged. “She said - and I’ll never forget the words she used - ‘I came to London looking for someone. He’s lost, so I’ll find myself instead.’ Seemed quite poetic to me. I knew from there she’d be a writer.”

“Did she ever tell you who it was she was looking for?” Freddie asked, glancing at John.

“No,” she answered, shaking her head. “She refused to speak of him. Some chap from her hometown, though, that’s all I knew.”

At that moment, you came back over to tell Cora goodbye, since you were leaving with the man from before. You kissed her cheek before turning to the band.

“See you lot in the morning, I suppose,” you said.

They gave you odd looks, but you pushed your confusion away. You left with David, heading back to your flat, which wasn’t far from the bar. But as you took David up the stairs to your front door, the look in John’s eyes haunted you. Something like pity swam behind them. Pity mixed with guilt. It infuriated you.

Then David’s chapped lips were on yours, cracked and unpleasant. He shoved his talentless tongue into your mouth as he pushed you gently onto your bed. You bunched your skirt up to your hips so he could tug your panties off, but he stopped.

“Would you suck me off first?” he asked.

You smirked. “You wanna keep your cock?”

“W-what?”

“If you wanna keep your cock, keep it the fuck out of my face,” you warned.

“Shit, alright,” he gasped.

“Now take my knickers off and fuck me.”

He obeyed, pulling his pants down to his ankles. You weren’t quite wet enough so it stung a little when he pushed into you, but you bit your lip through it. Only, his fucking was as awkward as his kissing. His thrusts were sloppy, and he failed to even graze your g-spot. Your clit, he completely ignored. He clearly thought he was doing great from the noises coming out of his mouth. Gasps and groans, and some semblance of dirty talk that you didn’t even hear. You sighed, exasperated, and pushed him off of you.

“You’re shit,” you said. “Get out.”

“What the fuck?!” he cried breathlessly.

“Get your pants on and get out of my house,” you ordered.

“I’m still hard,” he complained.

“That’s not my problem,” you returned.

He narrowed his eyes at you and scrambled off the bed. He tucked himself into his trousers and glared at you as he put his shoes back on.

“You’re a real bitch, you know that?”

You grimaced at him. “So I’ve heard. Bye now.”

He muttered under his breath some more as he left, slamming the door behind him. You got up and followed, locking the door just in case. Then you returned to your bed. Flopping onto your back, your mind showed you John’s eyes again. You remembered kissing John all those years ago. The ways his eyes looked the first time you’d kissed him.

You pictured John now. Different, but much the same. More talented, less awkward. You remembered him licking those fingers of his before playing his bass. His mouth in a slight pout as he focused. Your skin felt hot. Your lower stomach churned with desire. You dipped your finger between your thighs and pressed onto your clit.

“John…” you sighed.

Wednesday What a shame it is that the rock I thought you were turned out to be sand

You arrived to the studio early the next morning. It was raining heavily as thunder rolled in the distance. Cosmically, John was the only other person there. You didn’t let the fact that you’d gotten off to the thought of him throw you. You just took your seat on the couch, ringing out your hair, and waited in silence with him. You pulled out the book you were reading and dove in. The only sound was the patter of the rain on the roof.

“Why didn’t you tell me what happened to you when you came to London?” he asked suddenly.

You snapped the book shut and looked at him icily. “I didn’t realize that was any of your business.”

“I know you’re not this person,” he said. “When you looked at Cora yesterday, you were yourself again.”

“You don’t know anything about who I am, John Deacon,” you said. “A lot has changed since we left Oadby.”

“You’re avoiding my question.”

“You’re assuming you have a right to an answer.”

“I think I do have a right,” he said hotly. “A lot of this anger you’ve got is clearly directed at me. Maybe if you stopped biting everyone’s head off and talked about it, you wouldn’t be so pissed off.”

There was that look again. The pity guilt combination that made your stomach roil.

“Fine,” you snipped. “You wanna know what happened to me? Yes, I got robbed and left naked behind a building. I took a job as a waitress to scrape by and pay back a fraction of debt I owed Cora. And there were a few regulars at the bar who I fucked for money. Anything else?”

“How’d you get a writing position?” he asked levelly.

“One of the regulars introduced me to an editor friend of his,” you said. “I submitted my first article to him, and he took me on. I got better and was eventually offered the job I’ve got now.”

“Okay, how is any of this my fault?”

“Is that what you think?” you laughed. “I don’t blame you for any of that shit. You weren’t even in my life anymore.”

“Then why are you so angry at me?!” he demanded, getting to his feet.

You jumped up too. “I’m angry at you because you lied to me!”

“What?!”

“You did!” you cried. “You broke up with me, and it broke my heart. But it was okay because we were supposed to be friends. And yet I was the only one who made any effort. Then suddenly you were off to London and then I never heard a thing from you! And I wrote you every day! Every day until I came here looking for you! And you promised you’d write to me, John!” You choked on his name as your throat got thick with the old wound.

“You promised,” you repeated with childish stubbornness.

“I’m sorry,” he said earnestly.

You rolled your eyes. “What do you want from me, John? My forgiveness?”

“Well, it was only letters,” he said.

“Only letters?” you repeated quietly. “John, it’s not about the letters. It’s the fact that you didn’t give enough of a shit about me to pick up a goddamn pen. Our relationship meant that little to you. I meant that little to you.”

You had scarcely gotten the words out when Roger and Brian walked in, both rain soaked, and flicking water off their coats. They were already quarrelling about something regarding the song again. You and John turned eyes on them.

“Y/N, what do you think, off the record -” Roger began, but you cut him off.

“Oh, no,” you said. “I’m not falling for that again.”

“Damn, I don’t know how else I’m gonna win this one,” he muttered.

You giggled. All eyes fell on you as you clapped a hand over your mouth.

“Y/N, did you just laugh?” Roger asked, a smile on his face.

“No,” you insisted, but the corners of your mouth were still turned slightly up.

“I think she did,” Brian added.

“Could it be that there’s a real, human heart in that chest?” Roger continued. “I thought it was just a hunk of ice.”

“Shut up,” you said through another laugh, but they let you have that one.

“Is Fred here yet?” Brian asked John.

John shook his head. “Late, as usual.”

You and John locked eyes briefly before you started getting out your pen and paper again. Freddie arrived within a few minutes, and they got right to work. You did actually admire their focus and professionalism. They took their craft seriously. More seriously than most musicians you had met. And you had met a great deal of them.

Today they had fewer arguments. It seemed that the rain was making everyone too tired to fight. That was more than okay with you. You couldn’t stand the bickering, especially between Brian and Roger. You wondered how they were the founders of the band since they rarely seemed to agree on a concept for a song. It was maddening to listen to.

John was stuck somewhere between staring intensely at you or avoiding you like the plague. The conversation from before was not a comfortable one, and it was so clearly unfinished. Unsaid words hung between you like clothes on a line. When your eyes did meet, it was like stepping onto a balance beam. You were unsteady and wobbly, but clinging to the very thing that put you there.

By the afternoon, you heard a rough run through of a new song. You would never, ever tell them this, but you liked it.

When the day was over, you packed up your things and for the first time, the band said goodbye to you. Roger only offered a wave, while Brian and Freddie said the words. John actually asked if he could walk you out.

“I can get to the door myself, thanks,” you said.

You weren’t sure where you two stood after the morning’s conversation. You feared another emotional line of questioning.

“Please,” he said.

You rolled your eyes. “Alright, then.”

You walked down the hall together, but he was behaving strangely. He kept glancing into every doorway you passed, and would sigh when there were people inside. When you reached the end of the corridor, he pulled open the door to what appeared to be a closet. He took another quick look around before pushing you inside.

“John, what the hell?!” you demanded as he shut the door.

“I want to speak in private,” he said.

He reached up and pulled the string to turn the light on. It was a tight space. Your bodies were pressed together, chest to chest. It made heat rise in your cheeks to be so close to him. You looked up to meet his eyes. When had he gotten so tall?

John swallowed as he looked down at you. The feeling of your breasts against him was enough to drive him crazy.

“I still feel like there’s something you’re not telling me,” he said, focusing on your face.

He was so close you could feel his breath on your face.

“I don’t have to tell you everything,” you returned.

“Y/N, please,” he groaned. “We were going so well this morning.”

“Well?” you questioned.

“Yes, you were opening up,” he said. “You’d softened to the point where you laughed.”

You sighed. “That was a fluke.”

“Come on, Y/N,” he said. “Tell me one thing.”

“What do you want to know?”

“After you had some money, why didn’t you go back home?” he wondered. “Why put yourself through all of this? You could have been back with you mum -”

“She left, John,” you said. “She left me in the middle of the night.”

John knew already that your father was not in your life. You and your mother were on your own back in Oadby. She had made quite a life for herself and seemed devoted to you. This revelation clearly shocked John, as he would have stumbled backward had there been space to do so.

“She left you?”

You nodded. “Yes. She left a note that said she couldn’t do ‘this’ anymore and she was leaving, but she knew I would be okay. I started to write you, but you hadn’t been answering my letters, so I took the money she left me and came looking for you. Because I needed my friend. I needed you, John.”

Emotion threatened to overwhelm you again. This was something you had never told anyone. Not even Cora.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I left you in the dark...I’m so, so sorry.”

“Just tell me why,” you breathed back.

“Because I missed you so much,” he told you.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” you said, narrowing your eyes at him. “If you missed me, why would you ignore me?”

“I couldn’t ask you to be with me again,” he said. “It wasn’t fair.”

“Elaborate on that.”

“I wasn’t sure that I was going to be successful,” he said. “I didn’t know if I wanted to have a career in electronics, and music was still something so unsteady. All I wanted was to be with you again, but I didn’t want you to give up home and security. I didn’t think I was worth it.”

“So you thought the solution was to just shut me out?” you said. “Without even telling me why?”

A tear slid down your cheek, catching you by surprise. Gently, John brought his thumb to your face and wiped it away. The feeling of his touch made goosebumps erupt over your skin and sent a shiver down your spine. And yet, anger sat on your stomach.

“That is a piss poor excuse, John,” you spat.

“I was a kid,” he argued.

“We’re the same age, and I knew better,” you said.

“I said I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what else I can do.”

You held his gaze for a moment. You didn’t know what else he could do either. Your feelings weren’t clear to yourself. You weren’t sure you were at a place where you could forgive him. As you looked into his eyes, you wanted to. You desperately wanted to. His eyes flicked down to your lips. Slowly, he began to lean forward. Your heart hammered against your chest and cheeks warmed as he inched closer. You were suddenly absurdly aware of his hand on your face. His eyes began to close and you pressed your hand to his chest.

“John, wait,” you said, sounding even less sure than you felt.

He opened his eyes and looked at you questioningly.

“I can’t do this,” you told him. “I don’t know how I feel about you.”

His hand trailed down to your neck, his fingers grazing your sensitive skin. You sucked in a breath. He noticed, but he let you off the hook.

“I know how I feel about you,” he said. “I don’t like the ice queen we met earlier this week. But the woman you are beneath that is someone I’d like to know again.”

He pressed his lips to your cheek and you closed your eyes at the contact. When you opened them again, he was pushed the door to the closet open. He offered his hand so he could help you out. You accepted, needing the balance to step over all the items on the floor. As you headed to the front of the building, you said nothing else to each other. When you reached the door, you faced him again.

“Have a good evening, John,” you said.

“You too, Y/N,” he replied.

He gave you hand a small squeeze and then left. You took a deep breath and went out the door. The sun shone. The sky had cleared.

Thursday Maybe you should get your shit together

You sat in the studio taking notes, your eyes flicking between your notebook and John. He occasionally looked back at you, in which case you would look sharply away. You had to bite your lip to keep from smirking. You couldn’t tell if he noticed or not.

You were a little embarrassed at how quickly the band hand begun to sway your opinion. You usually considered your opinion resolute. Perhaps it was growth that you could change your mind. About Queen, and the desires of your own heart.

Suddenly, Charles walked in. He was carrying your notepads from the last three days and looking livid. He waved them in your face. You shot him a confused and offended look.

“What?” you snapped. “Is there a problem?”

“You’re damn right there’s a problem!” he cried. “Is this really all you’ve got from the last three days?”

“That’s three notepads full,” you replied. “You really think I’m keeping stuff from you?”

“Do not sass me, girl!” he shouted.

Quietly, the band came into the room, though neither you nor Charles noticed, too caught up in the argument to see.

“Don’t call me girl!” you retorted, getting to your feet.

“Look, I didn’t give you this assignment so you could give me this choir boy version of the band!” he continued.

“Roger literally does coke on the second day, but yeah, I got choir boys,” you spat. “I’m writing the truth -”

“LISTEN!” he bellowed. “I told you I needed an exposure! Something to fill the headlines! A take down piece! So unless you wanna put some heels on and fuck me for an hour, you better stop acting like a little bitch!”

It was like all the air was sucked out of the room. The words had hardly left his mouth when John tackled him to the ground. He drilled his fist into Charles’s face repeatedly. You watched through teary eyes as John defended you. Blood burst from Charles’s nose as John’s fist made hard contact, over and over again. Charles was resisting weakly, blindsided by this attack.

“John!” you cried, reaching for him. “Stop! Stop it!”

Brian grabbed your arm to keep you out of it. Freddie and Roger stepped in to drag John off, but he struggled against them. You stared at him, amazed and horrified. Charles got slowly to his feet, shaking as he peeled himself off the floor. He glowered at John, breathing heavily. Then he wiped his bloody face with the sleeve of his shirt.

“You will be hearing from my lawyer,” he growled. He rounded on you. “And you, little groupie whore, are fired.”

You blinked, letting a tear fall down your cheek, and bit your lip to hold back the sob threatening to escape from your throat. Charles spat on the floor before limping out of the room. Roger flipped him off as he held John back. Freddie just sighed. Brian turned eyes on you.

“Are you alright, Y/N?” he asked.

“Yeah,” you choked out. Then you looked at John. “Let him go, guys. I need to speak to him.”

Freddie and Roger released John’s arms. He shrugged them off and followed you out of the booth and down the hall to an unoccupied office. John looked expectantly at you as you turned to face him.

“Close the door, please,” you requested.

He did. As soon as it clicked shut, you flared up.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” you demanded. “We’ve spent all week despising each other and now you’re fighting some guy because he insulted me?! Who are you?! I don’t know where your head is at at any given time! How can you -”

He cut you off with a searing kiss. Your eyes fell shut as his lips moved against yours and you plunged your hands into his hair. It was frenzied and needy, all teeth and tongue. His hands slid over your shoulders before he grabbed your breasts and squeezed. You moaned into his mouth, feeling like you might faint.

He pulled back from your lips to pepper kisses down your neck. He nipped at your soft skin before swirling his tongue around the same spot to soothe it. High, breathy moans fell from your lips as he went. You pressed yourself closer to him and you could feel his hardening cock against your stomach. It sent a powerful jolt of arousal to your core. Your panties dampened.

“Mmm, John,” you sighed.

When you said his name, it fanned the fire in him. He grabbed you roughly, turned you around, and pushed you against the desk. You let out a small squeak of surprise as he bent you over. He yanked your skirt up around your waist, revealing your legs and thong to him. You shivered as the air hit your warm skin. John ran a hand up the back of your thigh, making you tremble with anticipation. He moved his hand away only to bring it back down sharply on your ass. The sound cracked like a whip in the empty room and a guttural moan tore from your throat. It only made you that much wetter.

“So damn strong willed, Y/N,” John growled into your ear, rubbing your stinging skin. “But this is what you really want, isn’t it? Someone to take care of you?”

You judged yourself a little for the pathetic whine that came out of your mouth. He wrapped his arm around you and dipped his hand into your underwear. Quickly, he ran his fingers up and down your slit, coating them in your wetness.

“Oh, God,” you moaned as his pointer finger found your clit.

You took hold of his arm, gripping it tight as the pleasure built. He made light circles on your clit, picking up speed with each rotation.

“F-fuck, John!” you cried. “Feels so good!”

“I see the way you watch me play,” he teased. “How badly you want these fingers inside you, princess, huh?

“Please, please, please,” you begged.

His middle finger nudged your entrance. “Fuck, you’re so sexy begging for me.”

Finally, he sank it into you. You groaned and your head slumped forward, lost in the feeling of it. He pumped in and out of you, slowly at first as he curled his finger into your g-spot. The heel of his hand put pressure on your clit and you saw stars.

“So bloody proud,” he said, kissing your shoulder softly. “But so needy.”

You couldn’t answer him. Your brain couldn’t even form words. His hand was working you right up to your orgasm. When he added a second finger you nearly screamed.

“M’close,” you mewled. “So close, John - fuck!”

You were clenching around his fingers, hurtling toward the edge. He sped up. You were grateful for the desk beneath you because your legs completely gave out.

“Go on then,” he encouraged. “Cum for me, princess.”

His permission was all you needed. You came completely undone with a choked cry of his name, riding out your high on his hand. As you came down, your whole body shook. He kept his hand at your center, lazily stroking your folds.

“Ready for my cock?” he asked, grazing your clit again and making your hips twitch.

You nodded.

“Need to hear you say it,” he urged.

“Yes, please, John,” you whined. “Want you to fuck me…”

You caught your breath as he unzipped his trousers and pulled your thong down to your ankles. You moaned when he pressed his tip against your entrance. All your senses were heightened by the pleasure coursing through you. The head of his cock right at your core, the silky feeling of his shirt against your back, the tickle of the ends of his hair on your cheek. All of it was just John.

He pushed slowly into you. He was quite big, but you were so wet, he met little resistance. You groaned as he entered. He filled you up, bottoming out inside you and he stopped so you could adjust.

“You’re so tight,” he hissed. “Fuck.”

“Move, please,” you told him.

He didn’t need to be told twice. He started at an easy pace, but quickly picked up. He must have been needier than you realized because his cock twitched inside you. So he was close. His finger found your clit again, circling it to the rhythm of his hips. His free hand gripped one of yours, interlocking your fingers. He pounded into you, his tip hitting your g-spot and making you whimper with every thrust.

“Can I - hng, fuck - can I cum inside you?” he asked breathlessly.

Just the thought of it made you squeeze around him and he let out the filthiest groan.

“Yes - oh, God - yes,” you practically sobbed.

One, two, three more thrusts, and you finished together, his hot cum coating your pulsing walls as he collapsed above you. You were shivering from the intensity of two such rapid orgasms, so his weight warmed and stilled you. He pressed his lips to your shoulders and neck, easing you down before he pulled out. You whimpered at the empty feeling. Then he pulled your underwear back up and readjusted your skirt. There was something touching about him redressing you before tucking himself back into his pants.

You just barely managed to push yourself off the desk. “John...that was…”

“Sorry I just pounced on you,” he said, looking at the floor.

“No, don’t apologize,” you said. “You were...you were incredible.”

“I just had to have you,” he replied bashfully.

You smiled. “John, I’ve never…”

His brow furrowed. “What?”

“I’ve never orgasmed from a partner before,” you admitted.

“What?!” he gasped. “Never?!”

“That’s what I said,” you replied.

“Even when we - y’know - before?”

You laughed. “John, we were teenagers. No, I didn’t fucking cum. But you certainly made up for it now.”

It was his turn to smile. Then, he took your hand and pulled you close to kiss him. He was softer now. All anger and frustration gone. He rubbed your sides before wrapping his arms around you and just holding you close.

“Next time, we’ll make love properly,” he said into your hair.

“There’s going to be a next time?” you questioned.

“If you’ll let me,” he returned with a smirk. “You proud little thing.”

“I’m not so proud,” you said. “I did just let you bend me over a desk and fuck me.”

He chuckled. You returned to a comfortable silence and holding each other. You dug your fingers into his shirt as he embraced you. You buried your face in his chest. The girl you were - one who was hopeful, sweet, and romantic - was clawing her way out to meet the stronger woman you became. John’s return to your life showed you that they could exist together. His arms around you reminded you that she was a part of you and though you had changed - you both had - she was a remarkable and formative part of your story.

“I’m sorry again,” he said, pulling away to look in your eyes. “For letting you feel like I didn’t care about you. I thought about you all the time. And when your letters stopped, I hoped that you had found something that made you happy. I have only ever wanted that for you.”

You cupped his face in your hand. “I know that, John. I forgive you.”

“I like this woman, Y/N,” he said. “Who you are. Can we get reacquainted some more over dinner?”

“I would like that very much,” you said with a smile. “And I suppose it’s not a conflict of interest anymore since I’ve been fired.”

“Oh, shit.”

You shrugged. “It’s alright. I’m a good enough writer that I’ll get another job. Plus, I was going to have to eat my words and I really didn’t want to.”

“You were?!”

You nodded. “So thank you, John. You spared me that.”

He only laughed. You kissed him again.

“Actually, I think I will write the story,” you said. “We had an agreement. I’ll sell the story to another magazine. When the public eats it up, Charles will be sorry.”

He grinned, kissing your forehead. Then you left to go to your dinner date.

Friday I look pretty, I’m lookin’ pretty in my dress

The next morning, you woke up next to John. Your dinner date went well, and you brought him back to your apartment for more of what you called “making up for lost time.” You gazed at his sleeping face and wondered at your own heart. How quickly this man had softened you. You couldn’t help pressing your lips to his chest. But when you got close to him, you noticed that he was hard. You stifled a giggle and then gently nudged his chest.

“John,” you said. “John, wake up.”

“Ugh,” he groaned. “What is it, love?”

“Can I touch you?” you asked sweetly.

“Fuck, yeah, of course,” he said.

You sat up, straddling him across his legs. You brought your hand to his cock and just stroked it with your finger, looking up at him through heavily lidded eyes. You kissed his chest again. Softly, you nipped at his collar bone before trailing down to his tummy. Your tongue flicked out at the places that made him moan. When you reached his hips, you wrapped your hand around his shaft and he arched up with a soft gasp.

You never understood what men loved so much about fucking a woman’s mouth. You understood even less why women willingly gave men head. It brought them no pleasure. For the first time in your life, you willingly took a man’s tip past your lips. The beautiful little whine that came out of John’s mouth made it make sense. The knowledge that you made him feel this good was incredibly hot. You rubbed your thighs together for some friction.

You lowered your mouth onto him, taking him all the way down until his tip hit the back of your throat. You hummed around him and he whined, holding himself back from bucking up. He had no idea how grateful you were for his allowing you control in this situation. You bobbed up and down, taking his cock as deep as possible with every stroke.

“Fucking Christ, Y/N,” he sighed. “Your mouth is incredible.”

You didn’t answer, but kept going. You couldn’t believe what giving him this kind of pleasure was also doing to you. The sounds me made, the way he looked with his head thrown back and mouth hanging open...it was sexy as hell.

You reached up to massage his balls and he couldn’t stop his hips from jumping at the contact. He apologized, but you waved him down. You continued. He finally pulled you off him because he was so close.

“S’okay,” you said. “I want to finish you off with my mouth.”

“Fuuuuck,” he groaned.

You smirked before taking him down again. You went a little faster now, eager to get him there. His chest became as flushed as his cheeks.

“Ah - Y/N - I’m -”

He didn’t need to finish his sentence, as he released inside you. You swallowed as you worked his cock through his high. He panted beneath you. You came up with a soft pop and showed him your empty mouth.

“Oh, God,” he shuddered. “You’re so sexy.”

“That was fun,” you said with a smile. “You got so worked up.”

“It felt good,” he returned simply.

“I never understood before why blowjobs were fun,” you told him.

He just looked quizzically up at you.

“Never mind,” you said, shaking your head.

He didn’t press you, which you appreciated. You didn’t want to talk about that now anyway. Without warning, he gripped you by the hips and flipped you over. You yelped with surprise.

“What are you doing?” you wondered.

“Returning the favor,” he said.

He kissed your lower tummy, exploring your skin and making you giggle. Then he turned his attention to your thighs. You rocked your hips up toward him impatiently.

“Relax,” he said.

“I didn’t tease you like that,” you reminded him.

“Never said I was playing far,” he shot back.

Even so, he finally licked a stripe up your slit, making your hand jump to his hair. He swirled his tongue around your clit and you sucked in a breath. Your heels dug into the mattress as he built up speed. Then he lined up his fingers with your entrance.

“So wet already,” he said. “You enjoyed sucking me off that much?”

“Shut up,” you groaned.

He chuckled and returned his mouth to your throbbing clit. He pushed two fingers inside of you and curled them perfectly. It was almost overwhelming how good he made you feel. No one had ever gotten you this aroused before. You couldn’t even get this hot on your own. John brought out something primal in you that made you just melt to his touch. He knew what the fuck he was doing and did it well. Your toes curled as heat spread through you.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said.

You looked down and met his gaze. His pupils were blown wide with lust, but adoration lingered behind it. He kissed your clit as he maintained eye contact and you nearly finished from that.

“John, please,” you whined.

“Don’t hold back for me, Y/N,” he said. “Fucking cum if you need to.”

“Faster,” you instructed.

He obeyed. He devoured you like a starved man as his fingers pumped in and out at an almost brutal pace. Your mouth fell open and you began writhing beneath him.

“John - John - oh - fuck!” you cried.

“Like I said, cum when you’re ready,” he told you again.

“Close,” you sobbed.

Your orgasm washed over you, your body jerking as is wracked through your muscles. John let you ride it out on his face. When you stilled, he crawled back over you, kissing you deeply. You tasted yourself on him.

“You want to keep going?” he asked. “I could get it up again if you want.”

You shook your head. “After yesterday, last night, and now I can’t take anymore.”

“Alright, love,” he said, settling beside you and pulling you under his arm to spoon.

“Don’t you have to be at the studio?” you wondered.

“We can lay here a while longer,” he assured you. “I don’t…” he trailed off.

You turned your head to look at him. “What?”

“I don’t want you to ever again feel like I’m abandoning you,” he said sheepishly. “Even for the small stuff.”

“Oh, John,” you sighed. “Thank you.”

When you did go to the studio, you arrived together, hand in hand. Roger, Brian, and Freddie looked at your hands, then your faces, and back again.

“What’s this?” Freddie asked.

“We got reacquainted,” John said.

You beamed.

“Who is this?” Roger questioned, looking at you. “A smile? Who are you and what have you done with the real Y/N Y/L/N?”

“The real Y/N Y/L/N is whoever I want her to be,” you said. “I’ll still call you a pixie, Taylor. I’ll just smile while I do it.”

“That sounds more like it,” he returned with a smirk.

“Well, Y/N, what are you doing here?” Brian asked. “I mean, you were fired.”

You explained to them what you told John. You were going to write the article as a freelance writer. You were certain another magazine would be interested.

“And what is this article going to say?” Freddie wondered.

“You’ll have to wait and find out,” you said. “It’s not ethical to let your subjects read the piece before it’s published.”

“It’s also not ethical to fuck your sources,” Roger pointed out, grinning.

You and John exchanged shocked looks.

“You weren’t exactly quiet,” Brian said.

Your face went bright red as Freddie laughed. Before long, you were all laughing with him. It was rather funny.

As they prepared for their day, you took out your paper and pen again. You weren’t sure exactly what you were going to say about Queen after seeing what they did. You weren’t sure how you could convey their style and friendship. You weren’t sure you could get it all in one article. But you knew you would somehow. There had to be words to describe Queen.

That night, Freddie hosted a party at his house and invited you to attend. You told John you would meet him there, since you weren’t sure who else was going to be there and you still had to pitch the article.

As you got ready in your room, throwing on a beautiful red dress with some strappy heels, you became a bit nervous. You wondered if Charles had told others in the industry about what happened. But you didn’t know how you came out of it looking like the bad guy if he told the truth. That was the hang up. Had he told the truth?

You decided firmly to forget about that and just have a good time tonight. What would come, would come. You had faced much worse and stayed strong. You could do so now.

When you arrived at Freddie’s, he answered the door. He greeted you with a kiss on the cheek before leading you inside to meet some of his other friends. It was crowded, which made you nervous, but you kept your eyes peeled for John. When you entered the living room, you spotted him. His smile faltered as he saw you in your dress. You couldn’t help but smirk.

He walked over, a hungry look in his eye. “You look incredible.”

“Thank you,” you said with a grin.

He kissed your cheek. Your skin lit up at his touch.

“The dress looks great, but I really can’t wait to take it off you,” he whispered in your ear.

You shivered as you took his hand. Roger approached, so John just slipped an arm around your waist and faced his friend.

“Wow, Y/N,” Roger said. “You clean up nice.”

“You too, Rog,” you returned.

You chatted and mingled for the night. The whole time, John was at your side, with a hand on you. Whether it was your waist, your back, your arm - it didn’t matter. You felt him there with you. Reassuring and safe.

You went back to your place afterward, unable to keep your hands off of each other. By the time you were through the door, your dress was halfway off and John’s shirt was undone. Your mouths crashed together as your hands roamed each other’s bodies. Then he pulled away.

“Y/N, hold on,” he said. “I want to talk to you about something.”

Your brow furrowed as you looked at him. “What is it?”

“What do you want from this?” he asked.

“What?”

“I love what we’re doing,” he said. “I’m just wondering if it’s...more than it is.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“Are we in a relationship?” he asked outright.

He was suddenly the John from home. Unsure, but hopeful. You vividly recalled the day he first asked you to be his girlfriend. He was so shy and a bit awkward. You were so endeared by him. You felt that again as he looked at you now. Overwhelmingly, you wanted to be his again.

“I know I hurt you before,” he said. “So I understand if you’re hesitant, but -”

You cut him off with a sweet kiss.

“John, if I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t,” you said. “As it is, I do. So, if a relationship is what you want, then that’s what I want too.”

His smile was like sunshine. You could have melted into a puddle right there. Then, of course, he absolutely ravished you.

Two Weeks Later

“Have you all seen this?” Roger wondered as he entered the studio, carrying a fresh magazine.

“Y/N’s article came out?” Brian asked.

Roger nodded.

“How’d she do?” Freddie questioned.

“Listen,” Roger began. “‘Queen is a unique band made up of unique individuals. Their differences work together to create some of the most cohesive work in rock music. No matter the year or the style, Queen sounds like Queen. And not just because of frontman Freddie Mercury’s unmistakable and outstanding voice. The work of guitarist Brian May, drummer Roger Taylor, and bassist John Deacon are vital parts a body of work that is more than signature. It’s a fingerprint. All of this is made possible by the professionalism and hard work of one of the greatest rock bands I have had the pleasure of seeing in action.’ She goes on, of course.”

Brian took the article and scanned it. “She really is a great writer.”

“I’m just glad she’s on our side now,” Freddie said. “What do you think, Deaky?”

John shrugged. “What can I say, I’m proud of her. That’s my girl.”

541 notes · View notes

mxenigmatic · 4 years ago

Text

2020’s Self Care Books for Trying Times

With Covid-19 a global pandemic that is still lingering in the air, and keeping our connections at a social distance, added how here at NYPL our librarians miss the frequent interactions with our patrons, I was contemplating on ways to keep our reading connected, our souls warm, and our health having its self care. Before google, I’d rely on the plethora of information our branches hold on any challenge in life I’d be facing. Now with a myriad of problems we can tackle, and resources we can all use to improve our lives, I wanted to tackle grounding and elevating ourselves to cope with our surroundings, than advice I can provide on financial, relationship, life goals, etc.

In this blog “2020’s Self Care Books 4 Trying Times” I’ve comprised my 20 favorite titles for the year 2020 on wellness, people’s journeys, and how health experts can help guide us to a calm and vibrant place for our wellbeing. From parenting tips, to self acceptance, coping with a mental health disorder, or even self care rituals, the need for healthy habits is a topic we all can relate and rely on to keep us striving through this winter, and being united through our current unstable climate. We should never be ashamed of our experiences, asking for help, and addressing challenges in our lives to be at peace with our pasts, content with our present, and hopeful about our futures.

What is Self-care, according to very well mind, describes a conscious act one takes in order to promote their own physical, mental, and emotional health. There are many forms self-care may take. It could be ensuring you get enough sleep every night or stepping outside for a few minutes for some fresh air.

What is mindfulness? Mindfulness refers to being in the moment. This means feeling what our bodies feel, letting ourselves think without judging our thoughts, and being aware of our environment. It is about paying attention on purpose to both what is happening inside and outside of you.

ADULT

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey

Topics: Professional Development, Success, Psych Evaluation

One of the most inspiring and impactful books ever written, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People has captivated readers for nearly three decades. It has transformed the lives of presidents and CEOs, educators and parents—millions of people of all ages and occupations. Now, this 30th anniversary edition of the timeless classic commemorates the wisdom of the 7 habits with modern additions from Sean Covey. The 7 habits have become famous and are integrated into everyday thinking by millions and millions of people. Why? Because they work!With Sean Covey's added takeaways on how the habits can be used in our modern age, the wisdom of the 7 habits will be refreshed for a new generation of leaders.

Stay Positive: Encouraging Quotes and Messages to Fuel Your Life With Positive Energy by Jon Gordon

Topics: Self Help, Affirmations, Optimism

Stay Positive is more than a phrase. It's an approach to life that says when you get knocked down, you'll get back up and find a way forward one faithful step and optimistic day at a time. Start your day with a message from the book, or pick it up anytime you need a mental boost. You can start from the beginning, or open the book to any page and find a message that speaks to you. The book is a go-to resource for anyone wanting to inject a healthy dose of positivity into their life

$9 Therapy: Semi-Capitalist Solutions to Your Emotional Problems by Megan Reid and Nick Greene

Topics: Life Skills/Hacks, Self Care Rituals, Budgeting

A collection of the authors' favorite life hacks and mini-upgrades, such as craft cocktails on the cheap or tips for a perfectly planned staycation. Sometimes it takes as little as nine dollars to turn your life around. How to find simple pleasures in a pricey, wellness-obsessed world.

You Were Born For This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance by Chani Nicholas

Topics: Astrology, Self Acceptance

A revolutionary empowerment book that uses astrology as a tool for self-discovery, success, and self-care from the beloved astrologer Chani Nicholas, a media darling with a loyal following of one million monthly readers.

TEEN

Teaching Mindfulness to Empower Adolescents by Matthew Brensilver

Topics: Mindfulness, Educational Guides, Learning Disabilities, Reflections

Effectively sharing mindfulness with teenagers depends on distinct skill sets . . . done well, it is incredibly joyous." Matthew Brensilver, JoAnna Hardy and Oren Jay Sofer provide a powerful guide to help teachers master the essential competencies needed to successfully share mindfulness practices with teens and adolescents. Incorporating anecdotes from actual teaching, they blend the latest scientific research with innovative, original techniques for making the practices accessible and interesting to this age group. This text is an indispensable handbook for mindfulness instruction in its own right, and a robust companion volume for teachers using The Mindful Schools Curriculum for Adolescents

The Self-Love Revolution: Radical Body Positivity for Girls of Color by Virgie Tovar

Topics: Self Esteem, Plus Size Positivity, Hygiene

Every day we see body ideals depicted in movies, magazines, and social media. And, all too often, these outdated standards make us feel like we need to change how we look and who we are. The truth is that many teens feel self-conscious about their bodies and being a teen girl of color is hard in unique ways. So, how can you start feeling good about yourself when you're surrounded by these unrealistic, and problematic images of what bodies are "supposed" to look like? This book is an unapologetic guide to help you embrace radical body positivity. You'll identify and challenge mainstream beliefs about beauty and bodies; celebrate what makes you unique and powerful; and build real, lasting body empowerment. You'll also learn how to spot diet culture and smash your noisy inner critic so you can start loving your body. It's time to create your own definition of beautiful and recognize that your body is amazing. It's time for a self-love revolution!

Out!: How To Be Your Authentic Self by Miles McKenna

Topics: Coming Out, Self Acceptance, Family Dynamics

Activist Miles McKenna came out on his YouTube channel in 2017, documenting his transition to help other teens navigate their identities and take charge of their own coming out stories. From that wisdom comes Out!, the ultimate YA guide to the queer lifestyle. Find validation, inspiration, and support for your questions big and small--whether you're exploring your identity or seeking to understand the experience of an awesome queer person in your life."

Dancing at the Pity Party: A Dead Mom Graphic Memoir by Tyler Feder

Topics: Grief Counseling, Coping with terminal illness, Bereavement. Family Estrangement

Tyler Feder shares her story of her mother's first oncology appointment to facing reality as a motherless daughter in this frank and refreshingly funny graphic memoir.

Superpowered: Transform Anxiety Into Courage, Confidence, and Resilience by Renee Jain and Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Topics: Health, Fitness, Selt Esteem.

The perfect tool for children facing new social and emotional challenges in an increasingly disconnected world! This how-to book from two psychology experts—packed with fun graphics and quizzes—will help kids transform stress, worry, and anxiety

Teen Guide to Mental Health by Don Nardo

Topics: Teens, Mental Health, Body Image, Puberty

Todays teens face and are expected to deal with a wide array of personal, social, and other issues involving home-life, school, dating, body image, sexual orientation, major life transitions, and in some cases physical and mental problems, including eating disorders and depression. This volume examines how many teens have learned to cope with and survive these often stressful trials and tribulations of modern youth.

KIDS

Turtle Boy by Evan Wolkenstein

Topics: Social Life, Friends, Relationships, School Stress

Seventh grade is not going well for Will Levine. Kids at school bully him because of his funny-looking chin. His science teacher finds out about the turtles he spent his summer collecting from the marsh behind school an orders him to release them back into the wild. And for his Bar Mitzvah community service project, he has to go to the hospital to visit RJ, an older boy struggling with an incurable disease. Unfortunately, Will hates hospitals. At first, the boys don't get along, but then RJ shares his bucket list with Will. Among the things he wants to do: ride a roller coaster, go to a concert and a school dance, swim in the ocean. To Will, happiness is hanging out in his room, alone, preferably with his turtles. But as RJ's disease worsens, Will realizes he needs to tackle the bucket list on his new friend's behalf before it's too late. It seems like an impossible mission, way outside Will's comfort zone. But as he completes each task with RJ's guidance, Will learns that life is too short to live in a shell.

How To Make A Better World: For Every Kid Who Wants To Make A Difference by Keilly Swift

Topics: Activism, Human Rights, Organizing

If you are a kid with big dreams and a passion for what is right, you're a world-changer in the making. There's a lot that can be changed by just one person, if you know what to do. Start by making yourself into the awesome person you want to be by learning all about self-care and kindness. Using those skills, work your way up to creating activist campaigns to tackle climate change or social injustice. This fun and inspiring guide to making the world a better place and becoming a good citizen is packed with ideas and tips for kids who want to know how to make a difference. From ideas as small as creating a neighborhood lending library to important ideas such as public speaking and how to talk about politics, How to Make a Better World is a practical guide to activism for awesome kids.

All About Anxiety by Carrie Lewis

Anxiety. It's an emotion that rears its head almost every day, from the normal worries and concerns that most of us experience, to outright fear when something scary happens, to the anxiety disorders, that many kids live with daily. But what causes anxiety? And what can we do about it? All About Anxiety tackles these questions from every possible angle. Readers will learn what's going on in their brain and central nervous system when they feel anxious. They'll learn about the evolutionary reasons for fear and anxiety and that anxiety isn't always a bad thing--except for when it is! Most importantly, kids will discover new strategies to manage their anxiety so they can live and thrive with anxiety

Dictionary for a better world: poems, quotes, and anecdotes from A to Z by Irene Latham

Topics: Inspiration, Self Help, Advice

Organized as a dictionary, entries in this book for middle-grade readers present words related to creating a better, more inclusive world. Each word is explored via a poem, a quote from an inspiring person, and a short personal anecdote from one of the co-authors, a prompt for how to translate the word into action, and an illustration".

I feel... meh by DJ Corchin

(E-book)Topics: Health, Fitness, Management

This series helps kids recognize, express, and deal with the roller coaster of emotions they feel every day. It has been celebrated by therapists, psychologists, teachers, and parents as wonderful tools to help children develop self-awareness for their feelings and those of their friends. Sometimes I feel meh and I don't want to play. I don't want to read and I have nothing to say. Sometimes you just feel...meh. You don't really feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. You're not even sure how you're feeling inside. Is that bad? With fun, witty illustrations and simple, straightforward text, I Feel...Meh tackles apathy—recognizing it as a valid emotion, while also offering practical steps to get you out of your emotional slump. It's the perfect way for kids—and adults—who are feeling gray to find some joy again!

Violet Shrink by Christine Baldacchino

Topics: Phobias, Relationships, Social Skills

Violet Shrink doesn't like parties. Or bashes, or gatherings. Lots of people and lots of noise make Violet's tummy ache and her hands sweat. She would much rather spend time on her own, watching the birds in her backyard, reading comics, or listening to music through her purple headphones. The problem is that the whole Shrink family loves parties with loud music and games and dancing. At cousin Char's birthday party, Violet hides under a table and imagines she is a shark gliding effortlessly through the water, looking for food. And at Auntie Marlene and Uncle Leli's anniversary bash, Violet sits alone at the top of the stairs, imagining she is a slithering snake way up in the branches. When Violet learns that the Shrink family reunion is fast approaching, she musters up the courage to have a talk with her dad. In this thoughtful story about understanding and acceptance, Violet's natural introversion and feelings of social anxiety are normalized when she and her father reach a solution together. Christine Baldacchino's warm text demonstrates the role imagination often plays for children dealing with anxiety, and the power of a child expressing their feelings to a parent who is there to listen. Carmen Mok's charming illustrations perfectly capture Violet's emotions and the vibrancy of her imagination. A valuable contribution to books addressing mental health."-- Provided by publisher.

Check out this link to a presentation by NYPL’s Children’s Librarians, Sarah West and Justine Toussaint on Mindfulness/Social-Emotional Self-Esteem Picture Book Spotlight. Featuring popular book titles in our database of the past few years promoting kids well beings!

Pre-2020 Books

Aphorism by Franz Kafka

Topics: Life Quotes, Recovery, Future Planning

For the first time, a single volume that collects all of the aphorisms penned by this universally acclaimed twentieth-century literary figure. Kafka twice wrote aphorisms in his lifetime. The first effort was a series of 109, known as the Zurau Aphorisms, which were written between September 1917 and April 1918, and originally published posthumously by his friend, Max Brod, in 1931. These aphorisms reflect on metaphysical and theological issues--as well as the occasional dog. The second sequence of aphorisms, numbering 41, appears in Kafka's 1920 diary dating from January 6 to February 29. It is in these aphorisms, whose subject is "He," where Kafka distills the unexpected nature of experience as one shaped by exigency and possibility."

This Book Loves You by PewDiePie

Topics: Life Skills, Inspiration, Food 4 Thought

A popular blogger shares humorous pieces of advice and positivity, including "Never forget you are beautiful compared to a fish" and "Every day is a new fresh start to stay in bed."

The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach To Living A Good Life by Mark Manson

Topic: Self Help, Happiness, Motivation

In this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger shows us that the key to being happier is to stop trying to be 'positive' all the time and instead become better at handling adversity. For decades we've been told that positive thinking is the key to a happy, rich life. But those days are over. 'Fuck positivity, ' Mark Manson says. 'Let's be honest; sometimes things are fucked up and we have to live with it.' For the past few years, Manson--via his wildly popular blog--has been working on correcting our delusional expectations for ourselves and for the world. He now brings his hard-fought wisdom to this groundbreaking book. Manson makes the argument--backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes--that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to better stomach lemons. Human beings are flawed and limited--as he writes, 'Not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault.' Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. This, he says, is the real source of empowerment. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties--once we stop running from and avoiding, and start confronting painful truths--we can begin to find the courage and confidence we desperately seek. 'In life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give. So you must choose your fucks wisely.' Manson brings a much-needed grab-you-by-the-shoulders moment of real-talk, filled with entertaining stories and profane, ruthless humor. This manifesto is a refreshing slap in the face for all of us so we can start to lead more contented, grounded lives."

Zen Pencils: Cartoon Quotes From Inspirational Folks by Gavin Aung Than

Topics: Writing Development, Expression, Quotes

Gavin Aung Than, an Australian graphic designer turned cartoonist, started the weekly Zen Pencils blog in February 2012. He describes his motivation for launching Zen Pencils: I was working in the boring corporate graphic design industry for eight years before finally quitting at the end of 2011 to pursue my passion for illustration and cartooning. At my old job, when my boss wasn't looking, I would waste time reading Wikipedia pages, main biographies about people whose lives were a lot more interesting than mine. Their stories and quotes eventually inspired me to leave my job to focus on what I really wanted to do. The idea of taking these inspiring quotes, combining them with my love of drawing, and sharing them with others led to the creation of Zen Pencils.

By: @Mx.Enigma

She/They/Queen

#new blog #booksarelife #self care #library #nyc #nonbinary #nypl #life hacks

1 note · View note

suffering-and-happy-about-it · 4 years ago

Text

Stan's Friend (Holy, Part 4.)

Series description: Your bestie Kim was a free-spirited person who wasn’t exactly concentrated on finding herself a partner. Yet one day, she recieves a phone number and this time, you didn’t want to keep the person on the other end hanging. And so, you text them, no matter who they are.

Part summary: Sydney realized who is the strange person texting her - not knowing she settled on a completely wrong person.

A/N: I know that the role in the gif is Bev from IT, but, I mean, they are both equally cute, since portrayed by the same actress. Miss Sophia Lillis, you have the young queers shook, to put it simply.

Word count: 2.5 K

Tagging: @nemodoren @deadpoolcouldshootme

Sydney’s tape: go fuck yourself

Series masterlist: H E R E

Sydney was almost blowing up with excitement when the strange person texted her that... It's a regular thing now. This was flirting... Right? She just flirted. Online. The only thing that would turn her away from continuing would be the person being a boy.

After a short ride with Dina, she knew that girls are... Her stick. Boys were fine, they were cool and all - but not a real relationship option for Sydney. For example, Stan was the coolest Sydney ever had known. And they were the greatest friends.

When it came to a relationship with Dina... Yeah. The relationship was a short, yet intense ride. And when they both realized, they decided they were better off as friends. The relationship they had now was better than the one before. And also, they had way more weird, funny selfies.

So, that was probably the only thing Sydney wanted from a relationship - for her significant other not to have a weenie. The other thing was to get along with their personalities.

When Stanley asked her, what kind of type she has, her head was empty. Syd wasn't able to say a single word regarding what she loves in girls. She liked something else on each of her small crushes. No-one was perfect, no-one was bad in particular. Every girl was different. And every girl was beautiful.

That was the deal. Every fucking girl was beautiful. Sydney was sometimes overwhelmed when she sat in the cafeteria and suddenly, all the beauty hit her face. Fast and hard, oh, yeah.

"The thing is... Drumrolls... I'm kinda texting with someone." - Syd told to Stan with both her fists shoved into the pockets of her jacket, walking around the small pavement in front of her school. Stan popped his eyes out with surprise in his face, motioning for her to continue. - "That's it. I don't know who they are, I don't know if it's a girl, a boy, or someone else... And I'm interested. The whole secret is out." - She finished while Stanley sat there with her knee over the other one, his chin supported with the back of his palm.

"On the other hand, before the break came, I heard you kinda have something going on?" - Sydney asked suggestively, sitting right next to him. - "I have something going on? Well, come on, tell me. I didn't know until now." - Stan smiled and bumped his shoulder to hers. - "Someone heard the conversation after the big exam. You know... The biology one. You and... What's her name again? Laura?" - Syd tried to guess. Yet when Stan figured what she's talking about, he started to laugh out loud.

"You mean Y/N? That cute girl who sits like two rows behind me? Oh, that's great." - Stanley proceeded to a bigger wave of laughter. He looked almost hysterical while doing it. - "I wish she would be interested. I wish, man." - "But everyone's saying they heard you proposing to her and her saying it back?" - "It was a damn joke. There's... Nothing going on between me and her. Unfortunately." - Stan snickered once more, having a breaking smile on her face.

"You'll have to tell everyone in the school then. Give it a week and you'll be married or worse... Pregnant." - "What's wrong with being pregnant?" - Syd's best friend asked back, cracking at the terror in her face. Yet before she could get into the great terrors in great detail, someone had joined their small group.

And when Sydney realized who it was, her breath hitched. It was Kim. The pansexual girl from her English class. Also known as one of the girls Sydney had a crush on. The one who she sent her number at the concert. Her number. The concert. A sudden realization suddenly flashed over Syd's head. Hoooly fuck. Holy fuck. Holy... Fuck.

Sydney took a long, deep breath and tried to keep herself composed. With all the gay panic she possessed, her gaze fell on Stanley. But Barber didn't pay her any attention.

"Hey, Stan, what's up?" - The incomer smiled at Stanley, performing some kind of a handshake. Sydney was watching every move the girl did, she watched the girl's smile, the posture... Everything. God. She was so hot. - "Pretty good, man, pretty good. How was the break?" - Barber asked back, performing his part of the supersecret handshake.

"We were out of the town, drinking with some friends." - The girl rolled her eyes, making the beanie on the top of her head look presentable. Sydney's grimace fell even deeper into the horror state, further realizing who Kim could be. - "You?" - "I was working in the local bowl alley, making sure everyone had everything they needed." - "You did a bad fucking job." - Kim responded, having Stan's mouth hanging open. - "I sold you at least seven gs just for the damn four-day break. What did you guys do to it, you fed it to the cows?" - Stan wiggled his eyebrows once more, finally picking up his stuff to get ready for the school day starting soon.

Sydney followed a couple of friends closely, still having that gay panic inside of her. Should she come forward? Should she just ask? Should she go for it? No, she shouldn't. No. No, she had to do it. Maybe. No, it was bullshit. But suddenly, she heard herself saying...

"Did you like the clouds on Monday?" - Syd got out of herself suddenly, putting the conversation flow between Stan and Kim on hold. The girl turned at Sydney with a weird emotion in her face. - "What did you say?" - "I asked if... If you... Liked the clouds on Monday. They were pink... And blue... And..."

"I hadn't even notice, to be honest. I must've missed a great fucking view." - Kim answered and took the strap of her backpack to her palm. Just as the panic and revelation came in, the same way if suddenly left her body. So... Kim wasn't the one texting her. If she would be the one, she'd surely know about the sky. Or maybe she was drunk as fuck. That was probably that.

As the school day progressed on, she was still in something similar to a trance. It was kind of a miracle that there existed the slightest chance of Kimberly being the girl texting her. And although her ego almost shot through the roof the Brownsville, there was something telling her... This can't be. It was too good to be true.

For real - she was as wrong as she could be. Kimberly was nowhere near to be the strange person texting her. Why? She forced the number to someone else in the first place, didn't she? And the girl to who she was texting was sitting in the cafeteria with her forehead forced to the desk of the table as she almost gave up on her highschool studies once again. - "I can't do this Kim." - "You can. You're just too much of a dingus to know that." - Your best friend mumbled through her teeth as she played with her mashed potatoes. - "Now. My life is literally over. I shall pass now." - "It's just PE, Y/N, Jesus. Stop whining." - "I can tell teached I have period." - Your eyes widened with excitement. Suddenly, you felt the life passing through you. - "No, you did that last week, dingus." - Kimberly mouthed and looked at you dying on the table again.

At that moment, Brock and Aaron finally joined the table - the boy looked at you laying on the table with real tears in your eyes. Aaron being your best buddy, he already knew what was going on - Brock was a bit scared by the way you looked. At least until Aaron asked the question. - "It's PE day again?" - The quarterback sighed as he watched your sad face. - "You are an athlete, idiot, you wouldn't get what I'm going through." - At that, both Kim and Aaron exchanged a quick glance over the full plates of food.

No matter how hard you tried to riot against it, the PE was still coming. Your mind couldn't make the whole class simply disappear - that would be fucking cool if you could do that, though. As usual, you ran so much that you almost puked out your lungs, your limbs almost fell down from your body and your head was spinning heavily. And Kim did give you the piss for that, naturally. When this torture was over finally, you were allowed to go home. Jesus, did you take this grace with a big smile on your face? You were happy. Genuienly happy. Possibly no-one in the whole class was so much anti-PE as you were.

For the first time in the last few weeks, you didn't mind being at home just to study. This time, you could text with the friend on the other side of the screen. This filled you with excitement - just to know what are they like. Sure, there was this pressure of realization that one day, you'll be very interested in who they actually were. Yet for now, it was as innocent as it gets.

All you texted about was your day at school - further proving that you have the same teachers, you are going to the same school and that you possibly have some classes together. Just when you were about to end the whole conversation, since it got fairly late and it was already late along with you being tired beyond physically possible. Yet at the moment you realized that someone's standing in your garden, blasting their flashlight into your damn window. Slowly, you walked to the window to take a good look at the person. It wasn't Kim or Aaron, at least you thought so, because they would just text to you bring your fat ass outside because they want to talk with you.

After quite a moment, you realized it's Stanley fucking Barber standing in there - and most noticeably, he was barefooted. Quickly, you glanced over the phone screen, typing a quick text before putting on a sweatshirt. - "What the hell are you doing here? And who told you where I live?" - You whisper-shouted after you managed to manouvre through the quiet and dark house. Your parents were already asleep. And since it was eleven in the evening, you should be asleep too. But instead of that, you were walking through your garden to a barefooted fool standing there. - "I wanted to talk to you, apologize and..." - He quickly whipped a joint out of his shirt. - "I brought you something to help you forgiving me." - This didn't make any sense. For what was he apologizing? Sure, the joint caught your eye, but this was a nonsense.

"Let's move to the gazebo in the park. I don't want our garden smelling like we grow weed here." - You stated swiftly and led Stan out of your garden. - "But how do you know where I live? This is fucking creepy, Barber." - It was getting a bit calmer inside of you. Finally, you weren't near your house with a barefoot weed dealer - so your parents couldn't see something they shouldn't see. - "I asked your friend, that tall football boy. I explained what's going on and it seems that he also already knew about what happened." - Stan looked at you with a sweet smile.

"I've heard that I'm dating you, yeah. Everyone heard about this." - There was nothing true about you liking Stanley or you and him dating. But it was just a rumour going between the people, maybe it had some post on your school's social media for what you could know. You knew that this story will be gone in a month or so. After the Christmas holiday, there will be at least one girl who will be proclaimed a whore or worse, she'd be pregnant. This was just a short-timed story. - "It's kinda impossible to miss. But I don't care." - "I also... Don't care." - Stan shrugged his shoulders, looking at you intensely. For a moment, he got so close that you felt the need to move away for a bit. - "Yeah. That's your brand, ain't it? You are the mister of zero fucks. Or so I've heard."

Finally, the gazebo was in front of you - so you both took a position that was comfortable for both of you and then, you watched Stanley lighting up the joint. Your phone buzzed inside your pocket, catching the boy's stare. - "Who's that? A secret lover?" - The boy bit his lower lip as he leaned closer to you, clearly quite meaning the question even through his playful tone. - "I wish. It's probably Kim telling me about another of her crushes." - Quickly, you glanced over the screen and even if you realized that it's the girl you've been texting with, you tried to roll your eyes. Stan gave you the joint and you nodded before taking in a lot of smoke inside your lungs, keeping it in.

"I didn't know anyone would hear that... You know... The biology thing." - Stan started to talk about another thing once more. It was possibly the first time that you've seen the mister of zero fucks giving some form of a fuck. - "I told you Stan. Don't think about it. It's just a fucking rumor." - With this, you put the joint back to Stan's hand. There was a long silence - and when you looked at Stanley, seeing the boy watching you back, you understood what that was about. Your expression changed drastically - your mouth opened just as much as your eyes. Stanley was bringing up something more than a rumor. Maybe expecting to come out as more than a rumor from this gazebo night.

"Stan... No. No. No." - It was almost funny, the way you shook your head at the speed of light. You had about two minutes before the joint kicks on - so this friendzoning had to happen quickly and emotionlessly. - "Don't take this seriously, Stan, you're a good guy... But I'm fresh after break-up and even though it seems that I like you, it's just your view of the situation. It's quite literally inside your head, okay? We're barely friends... So... Let's keep it on barely friends level, yea?" - This rant was so quick that Stan almost didn't catch a single word. And when it was over, he started to laugh out loud; he was laughing like a psycho. - "I was just curious. Now I know and I'll keep it cool, come on, sit down. You're tripping me out, man." - Once again, Stanley gave you back the joint, nodding at you. With a shy smile, you accepted it once again and sit the fuck down so you wouldn't trip Stanley out anymore.

That night, you both got super fucking high and had a great time, because Stanley Barber was such a cool dude. And it was a privilege to have him as your friend.

#i am not okay with this #i am not okay with this netflix #i am not okay with i am not okay getting cancelled #sydney novak #stanley and sydney #reader x sydney novak #reader x sydney #sydney novak x fem!reader #stanley barber #he's the dude #and i would honestly die for stanley

3 notes · View notes

toast-connoisseur · 4 years ago

Note

ALL of the Ask Me Stuff questions

* 1: Full name: For safety purposes I’ll shorten it: Maria Barbara Gonzalez (yes, that’s the shortened version. I’m Mexican lol)

* 2: Age: 25

* 3: 3 Fears: Being buried alive, anything bad happening to a loved one, SPIDERS

* 4: 3 things I love: My family, my friends, movies

* 5: 4 turn ons: soft touches, kissing, making me food, a confident personality

* 6: 4 turn offs: Overly cocky people, racists, chewing with your mouth open

* 7: My best friend: I’m lucky to have several and I love them all with the individual pieces of my heart they each own

* 8: Sexual orientation: Queer/Gay

* 9: My best first date: I don’t think I’ve ever really gone on one tbh lol

* 10: How tall am I: 5’1 (barely make it to the 1)

* 11: What do I miss: Bars/clubs and Disneyland. Hugging people. Not losing so many people on a daily basis...

* 12: What time was I born: 3:38AM

* 13: Favourite color: Blood red (NOT maroon)

* 14: Do I have a crush: I always crush on random girls

* 15: Favourite quote: “Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I’m yours forever.”

* 16: Favourite place: It was once Disneyland now, I don’t really have a place lol

* 17: Favourite food: All of it. Of course Mexican food takes the top of the list though

* 18: Do I use sarcasm: Noooo, you think?!

* 19: What am I listening to right now: I’m watching Buffy

* 20: First thing I notice in new person: What vibes you’re giving off

* 21: Shoe size: 7 for the most part but sometimes I can fit into size 4 kid shoes

* 22: Eye color: Dark brown

* 23: Hair color: naturally: dark brown, right now: black

* 24: Favourite style of clothing: comfortable but more on the lines of retro/rockabilly

* 25: Ever done a prank call? Yes!

* 27: Meaning behind my URL: I love toast

* 28: Favourite movie: I have so many but one is Saved!

* 29: Favourite song: Lots, but Guilty Pleasure by Cobra Starship

* 30: Favourite band: Avenged Sevenfold

* 31: How I feel right now: Mellow

* 32: Someone I love: my nephew

* 33: My current relationship status: single

* 34: My relationship with my parents: could be better, but it’s there

* 35: Favourite holiday: Halloween

* 36: Tattoos and piercing i have: I have two piercings on each ear, my bellybutton pierced, and 6 tattoos (R foot, R ankle, L thigh, L wrist, L bicep, R bicep)

* 37: Tattoos and piercing i want: I want most of my body covered in tattoos so I have a long way to go. As for piercings, I want at least two more per ear.

* 38: The reason I joined Tumblr: my friends said it would be a good time

* 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I wouldn’t say hate, but we’re not friends anymore

* 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Yes!

* 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? No

* 42: When did I last hold hands? It’s been too long :(

* 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? I work from home now so 0 minutes

* 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Yes

* 45: Where am I right now? In my bed

* 46: If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? My best friends

* 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable usually. I have very sensitive hearing.

* 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? They actually live with me, but it’s temporary.

* 49: Am I excited for anything? My upcoming move

* 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Yes, two actually

* 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? -I work Monday-Friday

* 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? -OOF

* 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? Hot

* 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? -Everyone has different trust levels tbh. My best friends hold top tier.

* 55: What is something I disliked about today? I had to work

* 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Beyoncé!

* 57: What do I think about most? The future I want

* 58: What’s my strangest talent? I honestly don’t think I have one? I guess being able to mimic certain voices/accents sometimes but I wouldn’t say I’m pro

* 59: Do I have any strange phobias? I don’t think they’re strange, I just hate feet

* 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

* 61: What was the last lie I told? “I’ll work on that”

* 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? It depends who I’m talking to, but phone tbh

* 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Both are very real

* 64: Do I believe in magic? Yes

* 65: Do I believe in luck? To an extent

* 66: What’s the weather like right now? Nice and cold

* 67: What was the last book I’ve read? I strictly read fanfiction lately

* 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Don’t love it, don’t hate it

* 69: Do I have any nicknames? Barbie, Barbs, whore, homo... you know, cute stuff

* 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I split my eyebrow open and had to get stitches

* 71: Do I spend money or save it? Por que no los dos?!

* 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? No, but my best friend can and it’s so cool!

* 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? My sweats are pink

* 74: Favourite animal? I love animals but wolves are pretty top tier

* 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Sleeping

* 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Sexy. Mr. Sexy.

* 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? -I Wanna Get Better by the Bleachers

* 78: How can you win my heart? Be nice to me and have good conversations to me and occasionally buy me chocolate

* 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? The entire lyrics to Act Up by City Girls

* 80: What is my favorite word? Motherfucker

* 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I honestly bounce to and from so many. There’s no way I can only pick 5. All the ones I reblog from are so great!

* 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? STOP GOING TO PARTIES

* 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Not that I’m aware of

* 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? I can turn invisible

* 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? None really tbh

* 86: What is my current desktop picture? I made it into a winter wonderland for the holidays

* 87: Had sex? “It’s been 84 years...”

* 88: Bought condoms? I’m gay

* 89: Gotten pregnant? See above

* 90: Failed a class? I think in middle school maybe?

* 91: Kissed a boy? Yes

* 92: Kissed a girl? Yes

* 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Sadly, no

* 94: Had a job? Sadly (but also thankfully since I need money)

* 95: Left the house without my wallet? No

* 96: Bullied someone on the internet? No

* 97: Had sex in public? Yes

* 98: Played on a sports team? Yes

* 99: Smoked weed? Yes

* 100: Did drugs? Yes

* 101: Smoked cigarettes? Yes

* 102: Drank alcohol? Yes

* 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No

* 104: Been overweight? No

* 105: Been underweight? Yes

* 106: Been to a wedding? Yes

* 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes

* 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes

* 109: Been outside my home country? Yes

* 110: Gotten my heart broken? Sorta but I bounced back pretty quick so idk if that counts

* 111: Been to a professional sports game? Long ago

* 112: Broken a bone? No

* 113: Cut myself? I’m very accident prone

* 114: Been to prom? Yes

* 115: Been in airplane? Yes

* 116: Fly by helicopter? No

* 117: What concerts have I been to? So so so many. I miss them.

* 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? I’m gaaaaaaaay

* 119: Learned another language? I’ve been bilingual since I was a child

* 120: Wore make up? Yes

* 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? No

* 122: Had oral sex? Yes

* 123: Dyed my hair? Yes

* 124: Voted in a presidential election? Yes

* 125: Rode in an ambulance? I worked for an ambulance company so just for fun

* 126: Had a surgery? Besides oral?

* 127: Met someone famous? I live in LA, so yes lol

* 128: Stalked someone on a social network? No

* 129: Peed outside? Yes

* 130: Been fishing? No, I’d like to!

* 131: Helped with charity? Yes

* 132: Been rejected by a crush? Fifth grade was a tough year for my love life...

* 133: Broken a mirror? No

* 134: What do I want for birthday? To be able to see all my friends in a safe environment

* 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? I’d like as many as I can comfortably afford. I’d have to discuss with the (future) wife about names

* 136: Was I named after anyone? The Virgin Mary (la Virgen Maria) and some Spanish actress named Barbara something...

* 137: Do I like my handwriting? No

* 138: What was my favourite toy as a child? I loved dolls

* 139: Favourite Tv Show? Bewitched

* 140: Where do I want to live when older? California forever unless properly convinced otherwise

* 141: Play any musical instrument? Used to play trumpet and alto sax. Can’t play anymore lol

* 142: One of my scars, how did I get it? See Q70

* 143: Favourite pizza toping? Pepperoni. I love all sorts of toppings but that’s my fav

* 144: Am I afraid of the dark? No

* 145: Am I afraid of heights? Yes

* 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Yes

* 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Daily

* 148: What I’m really bad at: Focusing. In my defense, I have ADHD

* 149: What my greatest achievments are: graduating college, getting promoted at work, buying my own car, purchasing a home

* 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I once got told “good luck on the short bus” by a guy that was upset I make more money than he does

* 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: take care of all my bills, invest, and then try to help as many of my loved ones as I could with theirs

* 152: What do I like about myself: my resilience

* 153: My closest Tumblr friend: @itssofragile

* 154: Something I fantasise about: My future

* 155: Any question you’d like? Nah, I think we’re good!

1 note · View note

adventures-in-asexuality · 5 years ago

Text

‘Home’ Alone

You may have heard that Boris Johnson has recently become the leader of the Conservative Party in the UK, and, as such, the Prime Minister. This wasn’t an election open to the general public; party leaders are elected by the members of that party, and it’s no real surprise that the Conservative Party members like conservative candidates.

This isn’t a post about that, per se; there are plenty of other people detailing all of his failings and horrifying attitudes and behaviours. It’s just an illustration of how the political situation in this country is devolving faster and faster. I started talking about this in 2014, just a couple of years after I first got on tumblr at all, and I’ve been talking about it ever since, whenever I have the mental fortitude to do so - which, right now, isn’t often.

But, hey, what’s another list of my deepest fears?

I wrote a post a year or two ago with some of the things that we’re facing here, in the UK. I’ll link the entire post, but here is the most important paragraph:

‘But. I have been saying this. I said it when reports came out of the huge number of people dying within a few weeks of their disability claims being denied or revoked. I said it when a coroner went so far as to name the DWP as the cause of death on a death certificate for a disabled person. I said it when we started seeing stats of the huge proportion of cases of denied benefits that were winning at appeal or tribunal (and the huge barriers to even getting to appeal or tribunal in the first place). I said it when we heard about the suicide baiting in disability assessments. I said it when we heard that, even if you could get them, disability benefits were leaving people cold and hungry.’

These aren’t stopping.

Back in 2015, the UN Committee on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities announced that they were going to investigate how the UK was treating disabled people. The report came out in 2016, and, as summarised here, found ‘‘grave and systematic’ violations of the rights of disabled people’. There’s no enforcement method for this, though, and the government were free to disagree and to carry on exactly as they were. Which they did.

In 2016, the Brexit referendum happened. One of the topics that I remember very clearly from that time was the Conservative promises that they could write a new Human Rights Bill, since we would no longer be bound by the EU’s rulings on human rights. This was, of course, presented as a good thing, though I’m not even sure entirely how. All I remember was thinking about all the rights that we already knew were being violated, about how it was so obvious that a UN Committee was investigating it, and thinking: Why would a government ever write their brand new human rights bill to enshrine rights that they are already violating?

The answer, of course, is that they won’t.

We haven’t heard anything more about the supposed brand new human rights bill since then - hell, we haven’t even left the EU yet - but this is always at the back of my mind, casting a shadow over my day-to-day life.

Because what this means for me is that my country does not want me. I can never be at home here because I am not wanted here; because my country would rather people like me die quietly, preferably in a way that doesn’t impact on their statistics, and leave the abled people alone.

What does this have to do with asexuality, then? Well, I am ace and arospec and a lesbian, and there are two very obvious consequences of this.

Firstly, I don’t have a family. Anyone who’s been following me for a while will know this already, but here’s the bottom line: I am estranged from my family for many reasons, including that I am queer. This is a story everyone knows, I’m sure - it’s easier to list queer people of my acquaintance who do have a family - but it does remove one of the common support networks that people have.

Secondly, I don’t expect to be in any kind of significant relationship any time soon. Don’t feel sorry for me or tell me to meet more people; it’s just a natural consequence of liking very few people and also being a bundle of trauma and disability. I’m used to it. The real problem is that this removes the other common support network, and most people in life assume that you have either one or the other.

Coyote wrote a piece recently, On “single”, that’s relevant here. The whole post is well worth reading, but in it, ey comments on one of the conversations we’ve repeatedly had with each other: the issues with emergency contacts. You’re supposed to have someone who would drop everything to come help you. And, realistically, people expect this person to be either your partner or your immediate family. After all, those are the people that you can count on, right?

(Wrong. But we all know that.)

Coyote commented on how untenable this is in ir post, and I’m just going to quote the relevant part here.

‘Ever since I left my family, I’ve been intensely aware of how, if I were to go for too long between jobs, or if I were to get severely sick, there’s practically no one close at hand to intervene or take care of me. And that weighs on me. That makes my life feel tenuous and unstable in a way that’s more far-reaching for me than simply not having a romantic partner. It would be different if I had solid career prospects and enough savings to coast on indefinitely, but I don’t.’

I want to underline that this is how the state of being singled affects us all. Not just the traumatised ones, not just the disabled ones, not just the ones who face other difficulties and marginalisations. All of us. This is always only survivable by the lucky ones.

So where does this leave me? I have a bunch of progressive disabilities. I’m barely managing to hold down a job at the moment; I’ve given up having hobbies, seeing friends more than a couple of times a year, leaving the house at all except for essential errands, and I’m still constantly exhausted and in severe pain. All I do is work and rest for the next day’s work, and I’m still ill too often for my employer. I drag myself to work in so much pain that I’m propping myself upright, typing one-handed and slowly collapsing over my desk, and people still assume that I’m malingering, that I should just stop complaining and do my job better.

And these are progressive disabilities. They are only ever going to get worse.

You can see, now, why the gutting of social safety nets is a very personal issue for me.

Let’s recap. The government is aggressively uninterested in supporting disabled people, so when (and it will be when) I can’t manage to hold down a job no matter how much I injure myself in the process, I won’t be able to rely on them for such extravagant things as a roof over my head and semi-regular meals. People who support such cuts often say that people on disability benefits are just malingering, that real disabled people would have their family or partner care for them, but even setting aside what an awful situation that puts carers in even if it works as planned (and it is an awful situation), I don’t have either of those support networks. I’m on my own now, and, barring some extremely unlikely events, I’ll stay that way even when I can no longer support myself.

This means that I don’t have a home.

That’s a little overdramatic: I have somewhere to live at the moment. I’m even lucky enough, now, that I can live by myself; I have lived with strangers before, and it didn’t work well. I don’t want to repeat the habit. I can shape my space around me to some extent, and I do have a roof over my head, and both of these are important; I don’t want to trivialise that.

What I don’t have, though, is any sense of security or welcome. I live here, and I have possessions here, and, bit by bit, I’ve even acquired nonessential items (even if every time I acquire something that wouldn’t fit in a suitcase packed in the dead of night, I panic a little bit). I’m always aware, though, that this place is only mine for as long as I manage to keep up full-time employment; as soon as I’m forced out of that sphere, I’ll need to be elsewhere, and I won’t have elsewhere to be.

My welcome in this country, in this city, in this house is measured only by my participation in the capitalist workforce, and as soon as I involuntarily exit it, I will be unwelcome everywhere.

Home is supposed to be the place that you’re always welcome, right?

Yeah, I don’t see that happening any time soon.

This is the point where people start talking about wider communities, like the ace community. It’s an understandable impulse; if the normal support networks fail people, we want to think that there are backups. That smaller communities are still there to help us.

I’ve talked before about not feeling welcome in the ace community for a variety of reasons, but that’s not entirely relevant; sure, I’m not at home here, but even if I was, there’s a bigger barrier here: we don’t have resources for this. (I feel like I should be talking more explicitly about the aro community here - because, at least to some extent, this would seem to be a more common aro-specific issue than an ace-specific issue - but I find it hard to think that it would be appropriate, since I'm not meaningfully involved in the aro community, largely because it's pretty clear I am unwelcome.) Most ace community resources are focused on dealing with people’s journey to recognise themselves as ace and how they can navigate their relationships afterwards - and even though that can be a large part of people’s lives, it’s not the be-all and end-all, and isn’t even on the radar for some of us.

This isn’t to say that this entire issue is just due to a failing of the ace community; this is a large and systemic problem, and it feels pretty self-defeating to throw any amount of effort at it at all. We also don’t talk about it, much, though, and that, I think, is the greatest disservice. It can feel like so much of ace community resources are devoted to reassuring aces that they are okay as they are and, from that basis, helping aces find partners, or at most reassuring unpartnered aces that just because they’re single now won’t mean that they’re single forever, that we ignore almost completely the logistical challenges of going through life without the societally expected support networks.

We can’t solve this entire problem by ourselves - that would require completely rewriting society. But maybe we can include it in our directory of problems, understanding that this is an ace issue and finding or creating resources for it accordingly.

#carnival of aces #actuallyasexual #asexual #disability #uk politics

39 notes · View notes

relationshipanarchywithoutchaos · 5 years ago

Text

Review: A Geek's Guide to Unicorn Ranching: Advice for Couples Seeking Another Partner

I bought and read this book so that you don’t have to.

I'm going to preface this review with the disclaimer that I started reading this book actively wanting to hate it. The author* is the Facebook page admin for Poly.Land, which has some very cult-like tactics in its image posts, similar in style to scam pages such as David Wolfe, Vani Fari (the "Food Babe"), The Mind Unleashed and Free Thought Project. Most notably, the page is laced with universally agreeable tweets, tumblr posts and memes, some not even about ethical non-monogamy, interjected with the occasional privileged or problematic post about polyamory or swinging, sometimes with amatonormative or ableist perspectives.

Before I get started, allow me to clarify: while I and many others object to the principle strategies of "unicorn hunting" (or even "unicorn ranching", which makes it sound even more like animal husbandry than "hunting" does), the problematic issue of couples seeking a third is rarely the fault of the potential third (or "unicorn"). It is perfectly acceptable for an individual who understands the risks and dynamics to enter into an arrangement with one or both partners of an existing couple who finds them attractive. The problems are almost always from the misunderstanding of the unbalanced power dynamic the existing couple places on their targets, most often due to ignorance, greed, or socially-ingrained conceptions of the importance of the relationship over the members of the relationship as marketed by the western matrimanial society.

This book is a very short read: 73 pages, in large font, with a few appendixes for sample relationship agreements. The paperback is only 1/4" thick. I started it while waiting for a flight to take off and finished it before we reached cruising altitude.

The book is divided into "lessons" rather than chapters, none of them particularly long. The first ten chapters run as basically a Polyamory 101, or maybe even a "Pre-Polyamory" class. The chapters cover things like getting your existing relationship in order prior to opening up, different types of arrangements (vee vs. triad vs. square, etc), the basics of hierarchy, what a metamour is, all the basic stuff.

The only slightly geeky things in the book are a shout-out to the Ferengi meme ("FEMALES") and some minor stuff about math. The author later describes themselves as the geek; but the title aims to target geeks, and there seems to be no good reason jocks, nerds, goths, or preppies couldn't benefit from the information within.

There is good advice in the book. The idea of dating separately is explicitly floated, and I was glad to see it. The idea of a triad not being one relationship, but four or more possible relationships, is also included. Eschewing exclusivity, and looking for partners who are already part of other relationships and arrangements, is also mentioned. Being as "out" as safely possible is recommended for the emotional well-being of all participants. The "love us both equally" requirement is talked about as one set for failure. There is an acknowledgement that unicorn hunting is often looked at poorly by the greater community, and that it's a rookie tactic that many couples take. While introducing the unicorn as most likely to be a bisexual woman willing to entertain a relationship with a man/woman couple, the rest of the book uses gender-inclusive language.

But there are some major problematic issues in the book which raise red flags. More than once, the book talks about hierarchy and veto power as an option, but never once talks about the ethical implications. The words "couple privilege" never once appear. The descriptions of boundaries, and the appendices of relationship agreements, read more like rules than boundaries or agreements, and it's not talked about why that's a problem, how to amend agreements, and how to avoid building resentment. The recommendation is to be low-key and discreet at first, which can unfortunately encourage bad behaviors and abuse. How to deal with one's own children in this situation is never mentioned. Basic discussions about consent and the sense of a high need for emotional work and emotional intelligence is also lacking, and those are the things that unicorn hunting couples need the most. Jealousy and insecurity, as well as how to mitigate them, go undiscussed.

There's also a some statements of privilege. Recommending that a couple get their financial affairs in order before opening up and making plans for couples therapy are not particularly inclusive, as it suggests that only the financially stable and the mentally supported can join in on the fun. Intersectionality is mostly absent.

Only on the last lesson, "Proper Care and Feeding of Unicorns", is there a discussion about what it's like to be in a triad with someone who wasn't in the arrangement from the beginning, and only barely so; the lesson brings the conversation back to the individuals in the original couple.

The "additional readings" list Sex at Dawn, Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator (shoutout to my friend Amy Gahran), The Ethical Slut, and some other books not related to polyamory (e.g., books on communication and self-actualization). While I don't fault the author for not listing More Than Two among their additional readings, given recent developments, it seems like a blatant snub of the work that Eve Rickert put into the work, particularly given how comprehensive and universal the language of MTT was (even for exclusively monogamous couples). Not including Tristan Taormino's Opening Up or Elizabeth Sheff's The Polyamorists Next Door, however, seem like egregious errors in judgement and I wonder what the story behind that is.

A section of one lesson is dedicated to "don't bait and switch", e.g., being honest about being part of a couple and, if relevant, that you're looking for someone to join the existing arrangement. And yet, since there's very little here about the ethics of triad-seeking (or lack thereof), the book itself feels like a bait-and-switch. Maybe that's a good thing. After all, unicorns-r-us.com and freesexworkers.com do the exact same thing.

Unlike most books on the subject, this one references very few personal experiences/case studies, and no negative ones. The author's main argument that unicorns exist and are available, mentioned in the beginning, was that the author has had positive experiences as a unicorn. At no point is it ever stated that unicorn hunting is problematic. At the end, there's an assurance from the author that with the right kind of practice within one's an existing relationship(s), the right person will eventually join the ranch. I feel this is optimism is both dangerous and unwarranted; just going off of several Facebook and FetLife groups on the subject, any given community is filled with thousands of couples who try and fail for years or decades to find "their unicorn", tens of thousands of people who want couples to leave them the fuck alone and/or are angry about them invading queer spaces, and only a handful of unicorns willing to consider joining an existing couple's dynamic for free. Were I reading this from unicorn-seeking perspective, I would have liked to have seen testaments and stories of couples who were successfully open up and form a triad, and how they did it. The absence of these stories is telling.

So, like, I didn't hate it, but I can't recommend it. There are other books where you can spend a few extra dollars and receive significantly more information on the relevant subjects, as well as better guidance about the kind of emotional work one needs to do in order to eschew monogamy (A Geek's Guide is $8; Opening Up is $15, and The Ethical Slut is $18, both of which are way more than double in AGG in length). Some even contain workbook questions to think about individually, or with a partner. I think that if a couple read this book, and made no other efforts to read other works or join discussions online with experienced individuals, they would likely be set up for failure. The author puts all of the scary possibilities up front, which is probably a good thing if it actually makes couples do additional research, but not if it turns them off on the prospect of discovering more about it and just going off on their own, none-the-wiser.

* The author, Page Turner, notes themselves in the back as a polyamory, kink and sex councilor and coach. I do not dispute this, and I know people who have seen them talk at events on those subjects with expertise.

5 notes · View notes

granvarones · 5 years ago

Text

The past month has been one of redemption, affirmation and celebration for Omaha, Nebraska’s own Dominique Morgan.

February 16th, 11 years ago to the date that Dominique walked out of the Tecumseh State Correctional Institution where they spent 18 dehumanizing months in solitary confinement, Dominique was cutting the ribbon at the opening of the Lydon House. A program of Black and Pink, the largest prison abolitionist organization serving LGBTQ+ people and people living with HIV/AIDS who currently and formerly incarcerated, the Lydon House is the first of it’s kind providing housing for LGBTQ+ people who are formerly incarcerated in the United States. Dominique, who serves as Black and Pink’s Director says, “This is about providing people who are system impacted and who are experiencing re-entry with a love, support and affirmation that allows them to move past surviving and into thriving.”

Dominique knows first hand about that journey.

“When I walked out of the Nebraska Department of Corrections, I had nothing but a bag of cassettes of songs that I wrote as survival tactic to save my mind and spirit.” It is this kind of testimony that has made Dominique one of the nation’s most renowned social justice activists. Chyle, Dominique even has their own TedTalk. Legend, I tell you, LEGEND! But now with the recent release of their new single, Domonique is ready to make R&B just a little bit more queer.

Two days before the historic Lydon House ribbon cutting, Dominique released their new single, “Wrong Time.” The acoustic guitar driven soul ballad is a beautiful melodic throwback to the 90s. I chatted with Dominique about their new single and all things music.

youtube

Gran Varones: Where did you grow up and what was that like?

Dominique: I’m born and raised in Omaha Nebraska. Small town vibes with a few billionaires. I love my city. I honestly can’t imagine living anywhere else. The shirt commute times definitely offset the white supremacy.

GV: What do you hope people take away from your music?

Dominique: I want folks to know they aren’t alone. You’re not the only person who loved someone who didn’t love you back. You’re not the first person to look a fool for someone. You aren’t the first.

I guess that comes down to solidarity. GV: As we just welcomed a new decade, where do you see or envision your music going this year?

Dominique: Early on I found myself doing what everyone told me I should do. My songs, packaging and even collaborations. Now I’m funding my own projects, started my own label and I’m taking control.

I want to hold tight to R&B as a craft. Harmonies, lyrics and key changes. I’m blessed to do work that takes me aces so the country and I haven’t maximized that access for my music as of yet so that is a must.

I just want to fall in love with making music again. I’m definitely feeling like I’m on the right path.

GV: When did you realize you were interested in making music?

Dominique: I had a Teddy Ruxpin when I was 7 and I would play my Rhythm National tape in these over and over. I’d start redoing Janet’s words or harmonize. It was a wrap from there!

GV: How has pop culture/some of your fave artists shaped you as an artist?

Dominique: The art of singing audaciously is all Whitney. The hunger for harmonies that make you listen to a song 6 times over to understand what is happening- Brandy. Writing a song that fits you like a glove – Mariah. I literally pull from these women every day. You can hear it in everything I do.

GV: Whew, the taste is iconic as you are! Who are some of your fave artists?

Dominique: Outside of the ladies listed above – I love SWV, Deborah Cox and The Clark Sisters. Fantasia feeds my soul without question. Throw in some Faith Evans and I’m good to go baby!

GV: Were there black queer artists who inspired you?

Dominique: Honestly the most influential Black Queer artist in my life has been DDM. I remember googling “Gay” musicians back in 2011 and finding his magazine covers and being gagged that someone who I connected to on so many levels was killing it like that. I was blessed to meet him and now call him a friend. I still look at his moves and get inspired.

GV: What artists inspired you as a queer person

Dominique: This may be redundant but Whitney was it. She had me in drag before I knew what drag was! I had turned the beads that hung over the door jam (80’s baby reference) to my curtain very I Have Nothing Vibes. People don’t respect the how theatrical Whitney was. Legendary. Period.

GV: What inspired this song? Is this something you experience first hand?

Dominique: If you listen to my music you can know when I was in love and when I wanted to cut my partners tires. I’ve realized since my divorce that my own toxic behaviors positioned me to find/adopt/try to raise men who weren’t ready for me. And I realized that I’m not a bad person – they aren’t a bad person – we just found each other at the wrong time.

This was initially a solo (also that will be on the full album) and then I thought about Black Queer love and the absence of our truth in music. E Rawq agreed to come in and we played with the record and we competed it in about 5 hours.

This song allows us to take accountability while also giving each other grace in love. It felt very appropriate to have this as the first single and drop it on Valentine’s Day.

You can download and stream Dominique Morgan’s new single “Wrong Time” on music platforms. You can also follow Dominique on Instagram and Twitter.

#granvarones #queer #gay #bisexual #trans #gendernonbinary #music #latinx #afrolatinx #hiv #aids #queer artist

2 notes · View notes

bisexualraplines · 5 years ago

Note

I change my mind. You can absolutely go forth and spoil me about the clown movie. I won't be seeing it until Sept 17th and that is far too long to wait LOL

gonna add a read more in case my mutuals don’t wanna see anything!!! warning for the mention of a suicide (non graphic) and homophobia

stan writes and sends heartfelt, individual notes to each of the losers

his su*cide is not shown onscreen, just the aftermath, which is quite graphic

the film is 3 hours long and has a good balance of flashbacks, humor and horror. a reddit user said there are about 5 jump scares, but they are all similar to the ones from the first film (the tension leading up to them is very well constructed, no cutaways like the first film)

the ritual before the defeating battle against clown binch is each loser having to face their fears, and overcome them in a battle of wills

richie is explicitly queer! his arc is based off his childhood struggle, coming to terms with his sexuality, and dealing with his crush on his best friend (whose feelings come back out after their memories of each other return after they reunite 27 yrs later). he is shown to ‘realize’ his sexuality in a flashback where he accidentally brushes hands with a boy, he’s visibly flustered. afterwards, during his encounter with clown b*tch, he’s taunted (this is where the vid leak where the lines ‘i know your secret, your dirty little secret’ comes in)

directly from the reddit user: ‘i gathered that his vulgarity/trashmouth/ persona was a cover for deep insecurity and shame about his sexuality. picking on eddie was an attempt to distract from his inner truth that he had feelings for him

during the clubhouse scene, richie’s nervous around eddie and its made clear he’s developed a crush on him to the audience. during a particularly c*te moment, while he’s in a hammock, eddie says its his turn but richie doesn’t get off, which results in eddie climbing in with him :’)

eddie’s sexuality is made more unclear, with it being not as obviously stated as richie’s. which I find unfortunate due to his gay coding from the book (i.e his ‘fear’ being a clear metaphor for internalized homophobia). but who knows, I’ve seen people say its more one sided, but it hasn’t been said that it isn’t unrequited, or if he is even aware of richie’s feelings. I interpret him as being very, very repressed (which bill and james have even mentioned in an interview) his arc is about overcoming self-doubt and realizing that even though he thinks himself to be too weak to face clown b*tch, he actually ends up making some of the most pivotal contributions to It’s defeat

richie etches the r+ as a kid and goes back to add the e towards the end of the film. a binch (me) is going to lose her goddamn mind

‘they have very delicate moments on top of their usual banter’ they really see each other again after 27 years and go immediately back to roasting. i am so fond

almost every critic review i’ve seen so far has been praising bill hader (richie)’s performance. its what he deserves!

ALRIGHT ENOUGH ABOUT THE GAYS. I think I might go into a longer, in depth essay about my thoughts on them? especially with their decision to not delve into addressing eddies sexuality after the 30 years of book speculation and to instead make richie the explicitly queer one. as well as his sexuality shone in a positive, open way and how he overcomes his struggles? which like. bravo. especially with it being a mainstream, widely anticipated horror movie. one of the most popular horror franchises of this decade where the target demographic are hetties… the POWER

they delve into mikes characterization quite a lot more this time around!

they’ve altered a bit of the losers’ profession. which makes sense considering the book is from the 80s

the bowers scenes were described as the most ‘fucked up’ because of his instability and clown binches control over him

bev’s husband makes an appearance, although brief, and he’s a real dickhead

I’m at work but if you want any specifics lmk! I’m in absolute hysterics. I love horror, and I love well written horror, and I love sweet sweet validation over queer coded characters from books written in the 80s ajdfjdjd. I spent a good two whole hours defending the possibility of r+e on reddit last night cause the denial of some of these hetties…………..

#I am so beyond excited #although the mixed reviews have me kinda...#but most of the complaints are like 'its too long' 'it relies too much on flashbacks' 'some of the scares aren't that scary' which is-#stuff I can live with?#idk I think if any of the characters chemistry was off or it didn't flow and balance out -#as much as the first movie did I'd have a problem(tm)#or if it was just outright dumb? idk #they have the same exact production team behind this film so its not like its going to be much different tonally than the first #ANYWAY.#I'll add more when I remember anything else or if yall want me to talk about specifics

1 note · View note

insideanairport · 5 years ago

Text

Nietzsche’s “Thus Spake Zarathustra” (part II/II)

❍❍❍

Iran between Zoroaster (زرتشت) and Islam

Last Thursday night (June 20th), Trump approved an attack on Iran after a US drone was shot down, yet he suddenly changed his mind and pulled back from the attack. (5) While Trump almost attacked Iran and started a new area of war and misery in the world, Iranians inside Iran and around the world are frightened by this escalation. Today, Iran’s Jewish community is the largest in the Mideast outside Israel – and feels safe and respected. (6)

Iranians in the diaspora have a variety of ethnicities, languages, religions, and political views but with different intensities, they all share the common Iranian-something else identity. There are many different political oppositions to the current Islamic Republic which in itself is one of the most straight-forward opponents of the United States hegemony and its imperial projects. Politically, Iranian Left has a wide spectrum; from the ultra-radical MEK which is supported by no one else but John Bolton, to Tudeh Party of Iran. Iranian right-wing opposition has also a wide gamut from ultra-right nationalists such as Persian Renaissance, Jason Reza Jorjani who hangs out with American white-supremacists Richard Spencer, to the good old monarchists, and of course the recent infamous Mohamad Tawhidi a fake Muslim cleric educated in Iran who is now a hero for the white-nationalists and Islamophobes. (7) (8)

Iranian nationalists see themselves as Caucasian or white. This might be in part due to the fact that etymologically the word Iran means “land of Aryans”. The Avestan name Airiianəm vaējō "Aryan expanse", is a reference in the Zoroastrian Avesta (Vendidad, Fargard 1) to the Aryans’ mother country and one of Ahura Mazda's "sixteen perfect lands". (9) Before the Islamic Revolution of 1978, Shah of Iran was seeing himself as a descendant of the great ancient Persian kings. In 1971, Shah decided to organize a huge event on the 2500-Year Celebration of Persian Empire (officially known as the 2500th year of Foundation of Imperial State of Iran). Many historians argue that this event resulted in the Iranian Revolution and eventual replacement of the Persian monarchy with the Islamic Republic. If you fancy watching some part of the event, there is good propaganda video narrated by Orsen Welles.

Before the Shah, for a short period, Iran had a cozy democracy in 1951-1952. Iran democratically elected its 25th prime minister Mohammad Mosaddegh (محمد مصدق‎), who was a supporter of secular democracy and resistance to foreign domination. He nationalized the Iranian oil for the first time in 1951. The oil industry had been built by the British on Persian lands since 1913 through the Anglo-Persian Oil Company (APOC/AIOC -later British Petroleum and BP). Mosaddegh’s government was overthrown in a coup d'état (28 Mordad 1332) orchestrated by the United States' CIA and the United Kingdom's MI6. (10)

Nietzsche and Postmodernism

Zoroaster [Zarathustra as its older form] was the ancient Persian prophet who lived in Iran at some point between 1500 BCE - 1000 BCE. Nietzsche chose the older version of Zoroaster’s name “Zarathustra”. Before publishing the book, Nietzsche included the first paragraph of Zarathustra’s prologue in his previous book Joyous Science (1882). There are two differences between this paragraph and the opening in Thus Spoke Zarathustra. (1) The title Incipit Tragoedia [tragedy begins] and (2) in Joyous Science the lake of Zarathustra’s home is mentioned as “lake Urmi” [today’s lake Urmia] compare to the prologue in Thus Spoke Zarathustra where the name of the lake is left out. We know that the real birthplace of Zoroaster is uncertain. (11)

Nietzsche’s anti-Christian and anti-majoritarian views (it's reversals of Christian morality and values) are picked up by white feminists and queer theorists for obvious reasons. As Michael Hardt wrote in the forward for Deleuze’s "Nietzsche and Philosophy”, postmodernists didn’t just use these concepts to get away from the dominant French Philosophical establishment of ’50s and ’60s but they were also genuinely interested in Nietzsche’s anti-universalities views.

Although very similar in methodology, there are some differences between the Nietzschean concept of solitude (which is very predominant in this work) and postcolonial marginalization and anxiety. Words such as "happiness” and “joy” has a distinctive meaning for Nietzsche which wasn’t unpacked in this book but was the main topic of his previous book Joyous Science (1882). Nietzschean Dionysius is more tonal in this book rather than descriptive and maybe has giving its chair to the bigger umbrella of Eternal Return as the "fundamental conception" of Thus Spoke Zarathustra. (-Ecce Homo, 1888)

Importance of writing as an activist

“Of all that is written I love only that which is written with blood. Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit. It is not easy to understand the blood of another: I hate the reading idler. He who knows the reader does nothing further for the reader. Another century of readers – and spirit itself will stink. That everyone is allowed to learn to read will in the long run ruin not only writing but thinking, too. Once spirit was God, then it became man, and now it is even becoming mob[populace].”

At the end of chapter 4 in Joyous Science, Nietzsche inserted the opening of the Zarathustra’s prologue. He is making his readers ready for a transformation. For understanding Thus Spoke Zarathustra, it is essential for the reader to read Joyous Science first. Nietzsche wants to prepare his readers for his philosophy, so in a way, he is selective about who is he talking to.

“We not only want to be understood when we write, but also just as surely not to be understood. It is by no means an objection to a book that someone finds it unintelligible: perhaps this was precisely the author’s intention – perhaps he did not want to be understood by ‘just anyone’. Every individual with a distinguished intellect and sense of taste, when he wishes to communicate himself, always selects his listeners; by selecting them, he simultaneously excludes ‘the others’. All the subtler laws of style have their origin here; they simultaneously ward off, create distance and forbid ‘entrance’ (or intelligibility, as I have said) – while allowing the words to be heard by those whose sense of hearing resembles the author’s. And between ourselves, may I say that, in my own case, I do not want my ignorance or the vivacity of my temperament to prevent me from being understandable to you, my friends; certainly not the vivacity, however much it may compel me to come to grips with a thing quickly, in order to come to grips with it at all. (The Joyous Science - Book V, 381 On the Question of Intelligibility”)

Anti-Nietzsche writers

Anti-Nietzsche writers usually refer only to Nietzsche’s text from his early period (before the break with Wenger) without taking his later works into consideration. Taking his works out of context is a sign of dismissal of his philosophy and art. Nietzsche met Wagner at the home of Hermann Brockhaus an Orientalist who was married to Wagner’s sister, Ottilie. Brockhaus was himself a specialist in Sanskrit and Persian whose publications included an edition of the Vendidad Sade—a text of the Zoroastrian religion. (12) It was only after the publication of “Richard Wagner in Bayreuth” that he realized who Wagner really was (an anti-Semitic coward). After completion of “Human, All-Too-Human” (1878) and continuation of his friendship with Jewish philosopher Paul Rée, Nietzsche ends his friendship with Wagner, who comes under attack in a thinly-disguised characterization of “the artist”. (12)

“Nietzsche had long hymned the sublime power that Wagner’s music exercised over his senses but now he realised how it robbed him of his free will. The realisation filled him with a growing resentment against the delirious, befogging metaphysical seduction that once had seemed like the highest redemption of life. Now he saw Wagner as a terrible danger, and his own devotion to him as reeking of a nihilist flight from the world. He criticised Wagner for being a romantic histrionic, a spurious tyrant, a sensual manipulator. Wagner’s music had shattered his nerves and ruined his health; Wagner was surely not a composer, but a disease?”

(Sue Prideaux, “I Am Dynamite!: A Life of Nietzsche”)

To even start talking about Heidegger and Nietzschean metaphysics, is to miss-read Nietzsche, just as taking "Will To Power” as something that Nietzsche actually published is wrong. Will to Power was never meant to be a book, it was put together by Nietzsche’s Nazi sister Elisabeth Förster-Nietzsche and Heinrich Köselitz. They have selected, added and subtracted parts to Nietzsche’s notes in order to compile a book that is accessible to their average readers. (See Will to Power introduction by R. Kevin Hill, Penguin Classics 2017). Sue Prideaux described this perfectly in Nietzsche’s biography "I Am Dynamite!: A Life of Friedrich Nietzsche”. And Carol Diethe’s wrote a biography on Elisabeth Förster-Nietzsche which gives us more insight into her proto-Fascist mentality.

The Will to Power book, did everything that Nazis wanted, hugely swerving from Nietzsche’s philosophy, the book starts with "European nihilism" and ends with the forceful sentence “This world is the will to power – and nothing besides! And even you yourselves are this will to power – and nothing besides!”. No other philosophy could do better justice to the Nazi cause than this fabricated assemblage.

Majority of Nietzsche’s work can be hijacked by ultra-right and the new alt-right, expect his fundamental critic of Christianity which is at the heart of his philosophy. Fascist and racist white writers such as Jordan Peterson, Oscar Levy (who wrote the introduction to Untimely mediation in 1909 and according to Walter Kaufmann, forged a fake autobiography of Nietzsche titled “My Sister and I”), Richard Spencer and others have tried to utilize Nietzsche in their hatred of brown and black peoples, religious minorities, Muslims and Jews, Queer people, and liberals. (13)

Methodologically, Nietzsche doesn’t throw away, archaic classical concepts such as; nobility, civilization, and barbarism, he appropriates and instrumentalizes them for his philosophical end. He didn’t have everything perfect, after all, we are talking about a dude who lived his mature period 140 years ago and was using a “writing ball” to type. (14) He has comical and outdated stuff as well. His rejection of vegetarianism is one of them.

Who is living in Nietzsche’s world

It seems to me the worst thing that we can do when reading Nietzsche is to put his philosophy into a functionalist and majoritarian (national) use. He argues in Joyous Science concerning consciousness (which he perceives as a communal category rather than an individual one):

“the growth of consciousness is dangerous, and whoever lives among the most conscious Europeans even knows that it is a disease. As one might have guessed, it is not the antithesis of subject and object which concerns me here; I leave that distinction to the epistemologists who have remained entangled in the snares of grammar (the metaphysics of the people). Even less is it the antithesis of the ‘thing in itself’ and the phenomenon; for we do not ‘know’ enough to be entitled to make such a distinction. We have absolutely no organ for knowledge, for ‘truth’; we ‘know’ (or believe, or imagine) exactly as much as may be useful to us, exactly as much as promotes the interests of the human herd or species; and even what is called ‘useful’ here is ultimately only what we believe to be useful, what we imagine to be useful, but perhaps is precisely the most fatal stupidity which will some day lead to our destruction.”

Nietzsche’s critique of European Universalism and Western Humanism is still valid and timely, yet if we stay within the hegemonic “white domain“ (White-main) our theoretical understanding of Nietzsche, will be centered somewhere between the Alt-right racism, white phenomenology, European Modernist and localists, Silicon Valley accelerationism and Nick Land (which is equally racist). The only way to get out of this binary is to step out of White-main and find Nietzsche in between the lines of the second-generation non-European Nietzsche intellectuals (Fanon, Derrida, Aimé Césaire, Muhammad Iqbal, Ali Shariati) and the third-generation intellectuals (Spivak, Bhabha). At this time in history, Europeans can’t (and shouldn’t) any longer teach or perpetuate Nietzsche’s philosophy for any end. Not for Germany, not for any other white-majority nation. This is simply because they are already living in Nietzsche’s post-God reality.

Bib.

1. NIETZSCHE, FRIEDRICH and HOLLINGDALE, R. J. . Ecce Homo. s.l. : PENGUIN BOOKS, 2004. 9780141921730. 2. Sandis, Constantine. Nietzsche’s Dance With Zarathustra . philosophy now. [Online] 2012. https://philosophynow.org/issues/93/Nietzsches_Dance_With_Zarathustra. 3. Ashouri, Daryoush. Nietzsche and Persia. http://www.iranicaonline.org. [Online] July 20, 2003. http://www.iranicaonline.org/articles/nietzsche-and-persia. 4. Nietzsche, Friedrich. the joyous science . s.l. : Penguin Classics, 2018. 5. Michael D. Shear, Eric Schmitt, Michael Crowley and Maggie Haberman. Strikes on Iran Approved by Trump, Then Abruptly Pulled Back. nytimes.com. [Online] June 20, 2019 . https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/20/world/middleeast/iran-us-drone.html. 6. Hjelmgaard, Kim. Iran’s Jewish community is the largest in the Mideast outside Israel – and feels safe and respected. msn. [Online] 8 29, 2018. https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/iran%E2%80%99s-jewish-community-is-the-largest-in-the-mideast-outside-israel-%E2%80%93-and-feels-safe-and-respected/ss-BBMAVgX. 7. Mackey, Robert. How a Fringe Muslim Cleric From Australia Became a Hero to America’s Far Right. theintercept.com. [Online] June 25, 2019. https://theintercept.com/2019/06/25/mohamad-tawhidi-far-right/?fbclid=IwAR25hr0TV8w0erffRrGhccVkC5G0KFwjR3y7tM7n2j-4nx4pp_b5PssuFzo. 8. Schaeffer, Carol. ALT FIGHT Jason Jorjani Fancied Himself an Intellectual Leader of a White Supremacist Movement — Then It Came Crashing Down. theintercept.com. [Online] March 18 , 2018. https://theintercept.com/2018/03/18/alt-right-jason-jorjani/. 9. ĒRĀN-WĒZ . Encyclopedia Iranica. [Online] http://www.iranicaonline.org/articles/eran-wez. 10. Kinzer, Stephen. All the Shah's Men: An American Coup and the Roots of Middle East Terror . s.l. : John Wiley & Sons, 2004. 11. Nietzsche, Friedrich. Joyous Science. s.l. : Penguin Calssics, 2018. 12. Wicks, Robert. Nietzsche’s Life and Works. The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. [Online] 2018. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/nietzsche-life-works/. 13. Illing, Sean. The alt-right is drunk on bad readings of Nietzsche. The Nazis were too. www.vox.com. [Online] Dec 30, 2018. https://www.vox.com/2017/8/17/16140846/alt-right-nietzsche-richard-spencer-nazism. 14. Herbst, Felix. Nietzsche’s Writing Ball (Video). felixherbst.de. [Online] https://vimeo.com/43124993.

(Part II/II)

______________________

#read #reading

2 notes · View notes

master-sass-blast · 6 years ago

Text

Alright. @mooleche done did throw the gauntlet down.

And, because I am an Aries and THIS IS MY SEASON, I can’t not answer.

So, here is OC stuff list one for Miss Dakota Contreras.

She’s beauty, she’s grace, and she will KICK YOUR ASS.

*cracks knuckles* Alright. Les do this.

[Incoming trigger warnings for: mentions of rape, kidnapping, death, parental abuse, and running away. She had a rough go of it as a kid.]

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?: Dakota does come from a decently sized family, but she isn’t particularly close with any of them. The only exception is her elder sister, Maria, whom she occasionally meets up with for a cup of coffee.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?: Largely estranged. Dakota ran away to her grandmother’s home as a young teen after an extremely traumatic incident (which I will explain more in the next question’s answer) and after her mother (and her father) made minimal effort to see if she was alright, she decided they weren’t worth her time and wrote them off.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?: Extremely estranged. (Traumatic incident explanation coming in, includes trigger warnings for rape, kidnapping, running away, death, and parental abuse.) So, when Dakota was thirteen, she was kidnapped by her eldest brother’s friends and, unfortunately, raped by several of them. After managing to kill one of them in self-defense, she escaped and ran back home, only to be rebuffed by her father. He refused to believe her, then went as far as to blame her for the incident. Subsequently, Dakota ran away the next night to her grandmother’s home. Since she was the “rebel” child, her parents decided to wash their hands of her and just send the rest of her stuff to her grandmother’s place. Dakota hasn’t spoken to her father since.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?: Seeing the body of the guy she killed (in self-defense) after she was raped definitely changed her on a deep level. It subdued the wilder parts of her personality, caused her to largely shut herself off from the world and everyone in it. Her grandmother knows, as does her sister Maria, and Frank (Castle, yes, she’s paired up with him, and yes, I have a problem shut up), and that’s about it. Technically, her parents know as well, but she doesn’t count them since they abandoned her when she needed them most.

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?: Cellphone, earbuds, loose change that she keeps forgetting to put in a jar, little pack of Kleenexes.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?: She’ll dream that she’s back in her old room or back on her grandmother’s farm, but that’s about it as far as “recurring” goes.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?: Obviously, a lot of the night she was raped and forced to kill to defend herself, but she also dreams about being locked in the house she grew up in and being unable to escape.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?: Yes. She helped hunt when she lived on her grandmother’s farm. The first targets were old cans or paper targets, to make sure she could actually hit something. After that, it was mostly rabbits or deer.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?: Yes, very. She didn’t grow up super poor, but money was definitely tight growing up. Now, as a professional MMA fighter, she makes a lot more money than she ever had growing up.

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?: She genuinely doesn’t care one way or another. She has to wear a sports bra style top and a pair of shorts in a ring, with cameras pointed at her, so she really isn’t fazed by being seen in more or less. As long as she’s comfortable, she’s good.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?: The grand, obvious answer is the night she was raped, but it’s true. She was scared out of her mind, and there’s nothing she’s faced since that’ll scare her more.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?: Arguably, the moment she caught Frank Castle snooping around in her apartment. She already knew his reputation --and that she didn’t have anything going on that would put her on his ‘bad’ list--so there wasn’t really anything to be scared of, in her mind.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?: Nope. MMA fighter. Blood kinda comes with the territory.

Does your character remember names or faces easier?: Names. She sees a lot of faces, but she’s learned from experience that forgetting the wrong names can spell t-r-o-u-b-l-e, so she made a point to make sure she remembered names not matter what.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?: Nope. She thinks there’s security in living within one’s means --and, since she lives on her own and mostly avoids the “party life,” there isn’t much she needs.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?: Neither. Neither’s going to get you anywhere if you don’t have the drive to do anything with them.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?: Her eldest brother’s “legit” punching bag. Her love for fighting started young.

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?: Ambition. Wisdom is something that’ll come with time, but not everyone has ambition.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?: She tends to keep her private life very secret, which can make her a difficult person to get to know --and be hard on the partner in question, since she’ll run the end of keeping them completely secret from her fans and the news. Her schedule requirements --training, traveling for fights, etc--can be hard to deal with, as well. So far, that’s been the biggest bone of contention in her previous relationships.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?: She genuinely doesn’t. As far as she’s concerned, it doesn’t matter who she sizes up against if she can’t fill her own shoes.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?: She’s... quick to go and put on her gloves so she can maul her punching bag for a bit to sweat her anger out. After that? She’s usually got a pretty level look at things --but, she is a little faster to blame others. After being blamed for her own kidnapping and rape by her parents/father, she’s wary of taking shit that isn’t hers to own.

What does your character like in other people?: Ambition, sense of humor, grit, willingness to stand up for others.

What does your character dislike in other people?: Cowardice, close-mindedness, arrogance, judgmental behavior.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?: Like, with super personal stuff? Dakota’s the opposite of quick. She’s a tortoise. She’s a sloth. She’s a fucking snail. She’d rather do a day full of interviews than open up quickly. Stuff that she classifies as basic (are you gonna be a decent fucking human being sorta shit) depends entirely on the person’s reputation. She’s usually pretty reserved, but if she knows someone’s worth their word (or, case in point, she knows the Punisher is going to be a rapist, which is the only reason she doesn’t whack him over the head with a bat when he breaks into her apartment) or if someone’s in with someone she trusts, she’ll roll with them. The two exceptions to this all being: 1.) if she knows she’s really helping someone by opening up (like talking about her experiences as a bisexual woman of color helps other members in the queer community) or 2.) if she’s working with kids. Dakota’s a firm believer that if you’re an asshole to kids, you deserve whatever shit comes your way.

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?: Despite the fact that she trusts at the speed of a glacier, she’s not overtly paranoid. If she sees something suspect, she files it away and sits back to watch and see what comes of it (if something’s a big red flag, she’ll make more drastic moves, though). Chances are, if she knows someone, she’s already figured them out well enough to know what she ought to worry about and not, so yeah.

How does your character behave around children?: She treats them with the utmost respect. Eye contact, clean language, encouragement and praise, thoughtful answers, happy smiles, the whole nine yards.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?: Depends on the situation. Normal stuff (or, later, “Frank stuff”) gets handled with a calm voice and a cool head because, to her, it’s not worth freaking out about because freaking out won’t change anything. If it relates to her parents? She’ll dodge it to the end of time. She wants nothing to do with them. Ever. If someone’s being an asshole (ie someone’s saying something homophobic or a someone’s beating up on their date)? You can meet her the fucking pit. Right now, actually. Oh, you weren’t ready? Too bad.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?: If it’s something that can be talked about, not very. If it’s on her “meet you in the pit list” there is only one stop, and it is violence.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?: Dakota wanted to be a rockstar as a kid. So, no, that dream didn’t come true, but she’s not displeased with where she ended up, necessarily.

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?: Locker room talk and guys that don’t at least rinse off once they’re done working out.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.: Either in the ring, smashing someone’s lights out, or in her apartment, watching Netflix. No in between.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.: Specifically, when she has to do interviews or panel interviews. She doesn’t like being on the spot.

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?: Her job hinges on taking criticism and being willing to improve. You can’t be a top-slot MMA fighter and not take criticism.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?: She’ll keep trying the first method a few times, but if it’s the method that’s ineffective, she’ll trade it out for something else.

How does your character behave around people they like?: She relaxes and actually gets more quiet. When she’s around people she likes, the persona she puts on during interviews completely goes out the window.

How does your character behave around people they dislike?: She usually pulls a full Bianca Del Rio. Nonstop reads/roasts, throwing shade left and right, usually doing whatever she can to make her feelings one hundred percent clear. If she’s really pissed at someone, though, she’ll glare them down and move past reading to just psychologically destroying them.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?: Dakota’s pretty ambivalent about both. As far as she’s concerned, her reputation and actions speak for themselves.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?: Depends entirely on the problem/threat. If it’s related to her family, she removes herself. If it’s anything else, she usually removes it or has it removed.

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?: Nope.

How does your character treat people in service jobs?: With the utmost respect, dammit. Best manners, eye contact, patience, good tips, the whole nine yards. People in service jobs are like kids; if you treat them like shit, you deserve whatever comes your way.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?: Dakota’s all about earning it. A treat here and there is fine, but having everything handed to you on a platter just makes you lazy.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?: Nope. The only person outside her parents who ever raised her was her grandmother --who is, obviously, related to her.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?: Again, nope. Her job/life make that kind of impossible.

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?: Not hard, but she won’t say it if she doesn’t mean it.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?: Dakota’s an agnostic, so she’s not entirely sure what’ll happen to her. She’s more worried about suffering in death than actually dying, though.

#sass speaks #oc stuff #the punisher #i love it when i get to talk about my ocs

4 notes · View notes

blcodyhell · 6 years ago

Text

What happened: the truth, not word of mouth.

My initial post was one where I stated the simple truth of the impossibility of me being racist or phobic of any sort; that remains, but ever since this whole issue broke out, three people maturely approached me to clarify things, to tell me EXACTLY what it was that I had said that offended them instead of calling me things out of assumption, & I was able to have some mind-opening conversations, which was exactly the thing I had wanted from the beginning, & the reason I had been so angry & disappointed at everyone: because everyone went to a third party & spread slander about me instead of maturely coming to me to talk. But what is done is done, & all I can do is a d d r e s s what those three people have told me & the truth it reached at.

NUMBER ONE: ‘forcing diversity’

Boy did I word that wrong; it did not in ANY way mean that I thought casting PoC was wrong, it did not meant that I wanted everyone to stop doing fancasts with PoC in them, it did not mean that I hate PoC ( that would mean hating myself, & I no longer do, haven’t for years ) & it did not mean that I hate representation, at all. What I meant by the words forcing diversity was that, as an actress myself, I know there is a thing going on in the movie/tv world where people are cast ONLY for being different, someone I spoke with called it ‘the Token role’ ( they said ‘girl’ but for the sake of this post I’ll include all genders ), & that is exactly what I meant. Example: if they’re making a new version of Legally Blonde with the mask of an open casting & they tell me ‘Oh yeah, we’ll hire you, you can be the next Legally blonde. Having a Latina Elle would bring us so much more money because it would get people talking’ I would HATE that so much, I would decline the offer, because I refuse to be USED for my differences. BUT if they told me, ‘Hell yeah, you can be the next Elle, you bring up her personality so well, no one else has done it the way you have, we’d only need you to die your hair blonde for the sake of the character.’ THEN I’d be like !!!!!! ‘YES THIS WILL MAKE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE ME SEE A HERO ON THE SCREEN OMFG YES YES YES YES, I’M IN.’

THAT DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT LIKE TO SEE DIVERSE EDITS AROUND, OR THAT I WANT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO STOP MAKING THEM BECAUSE ‘IT’S WRONG’. That is what got lost in translation; first of all I never said ‘this is just wrong, it shouldn’t be done’, because I don’t think it is wrong, how can it be when it makes people happy? I do not discourage edits ( hell, I didn’t know I even had that power ), I do not want ANYONE to stop making them, because I know that making those edits makes some people feel included in such a way that I didn’t understand before I had some conversations ( I will go into further detail on this specific point a little later ), nor did it mean that I think PoC should never be given opportunities or roles, or anything of the sort, if it did, then I’d be putting fire on myself: I a m a PoC actress MYSELF, it only meant that I won’t make any, me, alone.

But you said the friends of Narnia should only be white and it was wrong to make them anything but, Yes, well, I also worded that wrong, VERY VERY wrong, I was not paying attention only to that conversation so the words were placed horribly around & it made me sound like a twat. No, what I meant was that I have & always will think going against the author’s word is not right to me; I will always hold the author’s descriptions & their decisions about the world THEY created ( except for J.K’s ‘cause let’s be real, she’s reaching so fucking far ) over any other opinion, & that is why I couldn’t see the Pevensies or any of the friends of Narnia as anything but white; but that is what I saw when I read the books when Lewis called them ‘fair skinned & fair haired’, we all have different imaginations & that’s what’s amazing about books. It was very w o n d e r f u l l y pointed out to me, though, that white can also be PoC that pass as white, or that have very pale skin as well, & though I hadn’t thought of that, yeah, that would also work very well, but just like I said above: as long as these people are cast for TALENT & not the Token rule.

In conclusion to point number one: a) I would love the world to always cast for talent, not for differences. b) All the opinions expressed are about what I as a solitary independent person would do, not what I want everyone else to do, I promise I never meant to make anyone think I discouraged them or disapproved or thought them anything but valid.

NUMBER TWO: ‘I don’t see the point of the term pansexuality’

I never understood the reason I got so much hate out of that sentence, when it was literally me asking for help so the term pansexual could be explained to me; it now has, & for it, I can finally speak up about this.

I am a bisexual girl, & because I grew up during the time in which only three terms existed for sexuality ( heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual ) I was taught that the ‘sexual’ part of the words had nothing to do with anything but the sex organ the person had, the two being vagina & penis; it is why I was always against the term pansexual because I kept thinking that people using that term were saying that trans people were not real women or men! I was so absolutely outraged at the fact because, to me, it seemed hypocritical of them to claim that ‘TRANS MEN & WOMEN ARE REAL MEN & WOMEN!” & then call themselves Pansexual in such a way that it excluded trans people within the man & woman spectrum! I was so honestly outraged because the thing in capital letters is exactly what I believe & know: trans men & women are as real as non trans men & women.

Since then, though, not only have I learnt of the term intersex & how awfully I called those people hermaphrodites before, but I also learn that in present time the ‘sexual’ in any of the orientations have NOTHING to do with the sex organ itself, but the gender, for which I know there are many, many, many options. Yes, I have never been entirely comfortable with all the options in existence because I think it makes already phobic people even MORE phobic & thinking that we’re doing it for attention; I KNOW we are not doing it for attention, but I know that that is what phobic people can think. But, again, that also got lost in translation into making it sound like I simply didn’t understand or accepted all of these new labels being created, because, how can a n y t h i n g that is making so many people feel at home & identified be wrong? I don’t think it’s wrong, hell, I encourage it! Find your label, feel at home! I went exactly through the same sort of thing for my religion, when I called myself Aztec; many people call that just polytheist, but to me that could mean I believe in Norse, Greek, or any possible array of Gods, & no, I am AZTEC because I believe in the Aztec gods, nothing more. So having gone through that myself I understand why it can be important to find your label; it IS important, & it’s a wonderful thing.

I am terrified of those people that can think we’re creating all these labels for the sake of attention, because I know what being told that can do to a person, but that in no way means I discourage it, or don’t believe in it, or think anyone who chooses a label in the Queer spectrum of the LGBTQA+ is not valid; literally, never once did I say that. I love humans without caring about differences, I literally think ANYONE is valid as long as they don’t hurt others; I worry for those who are not at home with themselves being told ‘you’re doing it for attention’ because I k n o w what that feels like, I always worry about everyone else when I know that things don’t or are not going to fall badly on me.

In conclusion to number two: a) I understand the term pansexuality now, b) I think everyone is valid with any label they feel at home in, c) I encourage people to find their label & find their home.

NUMBER THREE: The thing I didn’t understand because I forgot about my past.

One thing you need to understand about me is that I don’t ever think I have any power over anyone, thus I failed to understand how people could be so absolutely offended by stuff I’ve said when I’m only a person on a computer that they’ll probably never even meet irl; if some stranger comes at me and tells me ‘you are disgusting, your sexuality is not real, you’re only doing it for attention’, I literally laugh to their face & tell them ‘It’s sad that that’s your opinion, I wish you would learn a little more, good thing you won’t be invited to my wedding, whomever it is to.’ Why? Because I am confident in my own self, I love my self, & I don’t need anyone’s acceptance or validation other than my own; I believe very strongly in what I believe in, so I don’t need everyone AGREEING with me about it, I am enough; the only opinions that truly matter to me are those of my parents ( who I am lucky see the world the way I do: differences are as important to know as horoscopes, you don’t go around telling everyone ‘I’m a libra!’ Human is human ) & my closest, closest friends. People online can call me things & they literally fall off my shoulder like dust.

I made the most enormous & horrible mistake of forgetting that not everyone is like me.

You see, I wasn’t born like this, I wasn’t confident always, I, too, at some point needed validation from the world in ways that are very personal & I refuse to put in public, & I forgot that, I forgot that there are some people that have so much self doubt that one stranger not saying outright ‘you’re valid’ can literally have a big effect on them, I know that feeling, I lived & felt that feeling from the moment I was born until I was about 14-16, which was when I found my ability to be confident in what I believe in, & because it has been so long since I have felt it I simply & horribly forgot that other people may feel it still, & for that, with my heart completely in my hands I tell you: I’M SORRY. It was really dumb of me to state my opinions so undetailedly & with loose words when not being specific could do what has been done here, hurt people, in ways I simply forget could be done. Blame my age if you will, but I genuinely didn’t think such things could be done online, only with people face to face or close to you; I f o r g o t what it felt like, I forgot my past, & I hurt people in the process, so I am sorry. You can be sure that from now on I will pay more attention to what I say for this reason.

Thus my conclusion about this is simply a genuine feeling in the direction of all those that I either hurt, or that have nothing to do with this situation but are reading this post: I am deeply & wholeheartedly sorry, you ARE valid, important, beautiful & wonderful people that I thought I had said endless enough times to make it clear I thought so, but I won’t ever make that same mistake again. I will r e m i n d you of how wonderful all of you are whenever I can, because you ARE wonderful & important, & valid in any way you are ( as long as you’re not hurting anyone ), you really are. & I love you, for all those people who are awful & have made you doubt yourself, I love you, & I’m sorry.

NUMBER FOUR: The request.

It is exactly for that, the heaviness & power that words have, that I most humbly ask you to be careful what you say to people; & that includes the very things I have been called. Yes, I am very confident in myself, & I don’t need the internet’s approval, which is why I’m able to be sad about this whole situation for nothing other than the fact that I lost some friends because they didn’t let me explain things; but just like I have discovered, you have to realise that not everyone is like that. Some other person you call a racist & phobic CAN end up feeling as awful as you felt when I didn’t validate what you thought in outright words. Racist, Nazi & Homophobic are VERY powerful words that tumblr has made seem like nothing, & they can hurt, so, I say, for the sake of everyone else, instead of i m m e d i a t e l y accusing someone of bigotry, racism, or phobia, I ask that you approach them, speak to them outright with a simple question, because, for all you know, this same sort of misunderstanding of lack of caring about words could happen, & big bad words are hurtful, too. If someone else in my position wasn’t so confident in themselves, they could begin to think of themselves as hypocrites or literally worse only because they didn’t word things right. So please, be careful, just like I promise that I will be.

&, again, I am most deeply sorry for all the hurt I have caused for my careless words; I love everyone, I assure you, I do, & from now on I will make sure any word I write says exactly that specifically. Please do smile at least once simply because you can, you are important & wonderful, & I PRAY one day you are able to see such a thing for yourself as well.

All the love, always ~Mel

#mel speaks #narnianetwork #narnia fandom #narniaedit #historyofnarnia #important

4 notes · View notes