#(meaning ill try to find it on wednesday and if i cant ill cry so bad)

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

we are up to 2 nights in a row i stayed up later than i want to on work nights because i was thinking too much about the luzhin defense

[softboyscully]

Public School Stuff I Wanted to Share

public school is both beautiful and horrifying am i right

so ill just go by the grades i guess

Kindergarten, first year

i did kindergartden at a catholic school in a relativly big city so this one’s got some shit

we went to church every wednesday, me and best friend (lost track of her when we moved, wish we’d stayed in touch, she was awesome) would giggle the whole time, pretty sure we made fun of jesus once, can’t remember why, possibly the hair

i had the nicest teacher, she was (as i remember her) young, blonde, and super sweet, that was the first and last year i ever had naptime

SPEAKING of naptime

i never slept during it

once i found what i remember being a nut of some sort on the ground, probably came off someone’s shoe

i grab it, turn to sarah (my best friend), say something about putting it up my nose

sarah, apparently having common sense, says, “no dont do it!! we’re supposed to be sleeping!!”

i put it up my fucking nose

try to get it out, just push it farther in

im crying a little bit now, that shit hurts

go up to my teacher

“you’re supposed to be asleep!”

“i have a nut up my nose and it wont come out”

teacher tries to get it out, but it wont budge

just. sends me back to my mat

that was it

the art room was tiny

like re-purposed broom closet tiny

there was a copy of the mona lisa in the hallway, someone had drawn ray bans on it with a pencil, never got replaced

there was a creepy-ass basement i went down to after school, we ate cheeseballs and sandwiches with some kind of meat, mayo, and that kinda yellow bread

someone broke his leg down there once, think an older kid threw him at the ceiling or something

we learned how to play Silver Bells with actual bells in music class

Kindergarten, second year

i remember these two teachers as the evil step sister-type look, but it might be my little kid imagination

but seriously they were horrible

we learned stuff in a room that was more middle-school styled, except everything was green or black and it was v dark

me and sarah attained a new friend, john

honestly i think we would’ve stayed friends for a while if i didnt move away

i have two vivid memories

one is of me really wanting to go home, so i walked by the teacher’s desk and did a fake sneeze

they laughed at me and told me to go sit back down

the other is  john leaning his chair back and then falling, so me and sarah went to help him back up

it was funny, so he did it again

and again

me and sarah were laughing, had the time of our lives

after the maybe fifth time the teachers said “john can get back up by himself. sit down and stay there.”

one of the reasons we moved was bc i got sent a letter from my fourth grade buddie

most of the words weren’t spelled correctly, many letters were backwards

my mother was horrified

ofc now we know it was probably a learning disability 

1st grade

this is when i moved

beginning of school i was ASTOUNDED we didnt have uniforms, one of the best things ever to happen to me

nothing wrong with this teacher, she was cool

thing is i was a little shit

told everyone my dogs died (they did but i was maybe three when it happened, i remember it not)

all my personal narratives were bullshit (only one sticks in my memory, wrote it about celebrating christmas AND hanukkah with my dad’s friends who were jewish, i have never even met those friends)

had a crush on this kid, best friend (she was terrible and helped wreck me emotionally) told me to kiss him in music class. me being a stupid ass bitch, i did it, aND HE GOES TO THE TEACHER AND CALLS ME OUT. at the end of class she gets both of us to stay for a bit, AND I DENYIED EVERYTHING. i walked across the fucking classroom, kissed him on the cheek, ran away giggling, told my teacher i didn’t do anything, AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. i’ve embarrassed myself further with this child but thats another story

2nd grade

i loved this teacher but honestly he was absolute shit

like. all he did was play the guitar and sing with us

never actually taught us stuff???

middle of the year, my mom goes in for a parent-teacher conference, he tells her i dont pay attention is math.

“what do you mean?”

“she doesn’t listen, she just takes out a book and starts reading.”

“........have you.... tried taking the book away?”

“sure, i could try that.”

“o....kay”

he also told her i’d be a girl who’d grow up to love spellcheck (which i do lmao)

like ???? why not just??? teach me to spell????

there was this one dude who one day showed up, gave me a pink stuffed cat, and then asked me where i lived

funniest thing was he lived on the same street as me

something that is vivid in my memory is showing up to class one day and realizing that i was wearing my regular clothes over my pajamas

also we had fish

every day someone else was in charge of feeding them

one of the times it was my job, i grab the fish food and walk over to the tank only to find all of the fish floating on the top

i screamed “THE FISH CAN FLY?!?!?!?!?!”

everyone ran over, all of us scarred for life when Mr. G walks over and goes in the most normal voice ever “no theyre dead”

we held a funeral

the cause of death is still undetermined

3rd grade

this year just draws a blank for me

all i know is that whoever the teacher was, they neglected to teach me how to tell time from a clock

also we learned the Cotten Eyed Joe dance in gym around here

4th grade

i had two teachers this year

one was the same one from 1st grade, the other one was a total bitch

made a girl named hannah ball her eyes out once, never apologized

i was (and am) and avid reader, so my reading skills were high above average

instead of being proud of me she told me i was weird, not normal, and too smart for a 4th grader, so i MUST be cheating. 

she was the start of a lot of self confidence issues for me ngl

this was around the time i went and got tested for ADHD (me and my grandmother almost broke down on the highway but thats another story), Mrs. M (the nice one) was super supportive when i told her why i was leaving early but Ms. S (bitch) told me ADHD wasn’t real and i just wanted to be special for once

she sucked, Ms. S

5th grade

this is getting super long so this’ll be the last one i do

but my teacher..... Mr. F was A+++++

he legitimately taught me math

we had i guess like,,, a buddie class we switched with sometimes

the teacher of that class was Mrs. R, who had crazy red hair and many freckles

at one point she referenced a meme and my entire class started screaming

also there was another Mrs. S (to differentiate this one will be called Mrs. Su)

she was kind of crazy

she was the astronomy teacher and she told us many times that the moon landing was faked

once she handed out sunscreen and had everyone put it on their whole body (this was in december, fyi)

Mr. F also hosted an ‘archeological dig’ which sounds cool but in reality he had a bunch of arcade prizes from his childhood buried in little flower pots we dug into with plastic spoons

also heres some stuff i cants pinpoint the time of/happened in multiple grades:

someone held a who-can-scream-the-most-like-a-goat contest

a guy named Makenzie won

remember we planned it while the teacher left the classroom so the teacher walks back in and one by one everyone in the room starts screaming, there was some applause, a few kids got a standing ovation

we cleaned out our desks in the middle of the year, i found 3 socks and a dog treat in mine

like how the fuck did any of those things get there

and where’s the fourth sock

b o t t l e f l i p p i n g

but no seriously there were at least five water bottles stuck in the ceiling in the cafeteria

my sorta friend charlie was obsessed with paper airplanes

one time he might’ve broken the world record for longest time in the air but he was counting in his head and it was at recess so there was no video

four square and gaga ball would be played no matter the setting, time, or conditions and it was super competitive

like if you could get to king in four square you got the everlasting respect of everyone

and everyone was super educated on four square special rules, special plays, that kinda shit

no but guys i grew up with bus stop, candy store, haunted house on mondays, haunted mansion on fridays, zombies was fair game unless it was Zach, Ryan, Chrissy or Vee

me and one other guy named andrew were the only known pjo fans, had the time of our LIVES making refrences

“HEY ANDREW IM NOBODY”

“I HAVE WAITED YEARS FOR YOU, NOBODY, COME HERE AND FACE YOUR DEATH”

“hey annabeth, i thought you looked like a princess when i first saw you. i printed out a picture you sent me casually and kept it with me. i snuck along on a quest so i could save you, endangering myself immensely. i held the sky for you. when you talk about your crush on luke, i get jealous. beckendorf understood, but hes dead.”

“ikr we’re literally the best of friends”

“RIGHT”  

also the first time we finished mark of athena we were in the same classroom and we individually dropped the book, stood up, looked at each other, and screamed “WELL FUCK YOU TOO RICK RIORDAN”

[its-3am-sadness]

getting lost up in the past— this is what I found

Friday February 1st, 2013:

ugh..im sitting in third hour..i wanna cry, but i cant theres to many people..

can anyone really save me? ..no.. noone ever can.. i just wanna be happy, truely always happy.. )': ughhhhhhhhhhhh! i gotta go..

Monday February 4th, 2013:

holy shit that was a longg weekend.. i almost cut saturday.. i got a new razor & everythingg.. Jake told me to go chuck itt in the snow, soo i did, but then on sunday i went & found itt.. soo i have itt in my ipod case like my other one.

I stayed up till 3 saturday nightt watching 'Enchanted' i love that movie now (: and i sent Jake a 7 and a 9 page text.. he was asleep though..but his best friend is a girl & i have nothing at all against that, i don't have a reason to hate her at all, i havent even met her, but i still am so super jealous.. i hate that they hang out and slepover together and i dont know, i trust him.. but look what happend with the last guy, i trusted him with all my heart, i never thought he would cheat on me and he ended up fucking his ex-girlfriend and lying about it.. im so scared.. i dont wanna be here.. i was thinking saturday & yesterday how i wish i was single just so i don't have to be so paranoid..but i love being around Jake that i wouldnt dream of ending it..

Shawntay said i should tell him about how i feel with him & his besty, but i idont wanna be the dumb bitchy girlfriend who is all 'you cant talk to girls-blahh blahh blahhk' shitt, ya know?? So ima just leave it to myself because i don't care..

im really trying not to cut.. Tabby (my ex's girlfriend) told me that it takes 21 days to break a habbit & we both last cut on the 22nd, soooo we'll see how that goes..

on wednesday it'll be me & jake's 4 months.. & next thursday is valenitines (how ever you spell itt) day and i wanna get him something.. hmm..

my tits now have names.. right one is Adam & the left is Ryder (:

I love him, my baby. <3 soo much.. </3

Wednesday February 6th, 2013:

today is 4 months with my baby!! i love him sooo much. dude. <3 he is so amazingg. i just want to push him in the snow and kiss him and be crazy. i am crazy about him.. like super crazy aboutt him. <3 i dont wantt him to be taken awayyy! ):

Hunter said he was going to ask me out last week on friday on the bus.. god he's a douche.. he broke my heart so many countless times and just left.. and my ex. my good lord, he is such a dick. im sick of them both fucking with my head and heart. ive moved on and it Shawntay's words 'have a new life with a better guy'.. god i love her. i dont know where i would be right now if it werent for her.. <3 i love you shawny'z forever <3

Friday February 8th, 2013:

well..i almost cut last nightt, i didnt but i was aboutt to.. im not taking my meds, im just throwing them in a bag & ima sell them.. they weren't working anyway soo..

Im seriously so sccared that Jake's going to leave me.. even though he says he's not going to an yada yada yada, but still.. im paranoid.. it's just who i am... i love him with all my heart though.. ya know??

im diguesting..im a whore..a damn slut.. in love with a guy who prolly cant stand me.. im fucking pathetic.. why..why..why would, HOW could anyone like me, or put up with me.. i mean, what the hell..im a little ugly bitch. a fat, pathetic, stupid, idiotic, loud, sluty little damn bitch...fuckkkkkkkk.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

Monday February 11th,2013:

well..i hate myself. terribly. fucking. little. cunt. thats what i am. a fucking bitch. a pussy, more like a pair of balls.. pussy's are actually quite strong.. so im a pair of balls. GROSS!.. i like pussy better.. whatever. so anyway.. i hate how much of a bitch i am. im so mean to everyone. im not good enough for shawntay. i dont deserve jake and i feel like i treat both of them like shit.. i dont mean to. they're both my whole world..damn.. i couldnt live with out both of them.. i really couldnt.

Conversation on Saturday Night:

me: how isn't it? if you go then you wont have to worry about me.

Jake: ill worry more

me:no

Jake: yeah i will

Me:no

Jake: why cant i?

me: Because..you just cant. you shouldnt. its not worth it.Never. You should leave before you get hurt.

Jake: this isnt about right now anymore is it?

me: i guess not..

Jake: cause ive told you before im not leaving unless you stop loving me ima be here for you until you dont want me to and ima be with you till you break up with me, i love you and im gonna stay through thick and thin. you wont hurt me. You wont.

Baby i friken love you and i wanna be with you no matter what im yous i dont want anyone else but you and im gonna stay okay?

Me: i hurt everyone. i want to be with you. i am in love with you. but i am so hard and difficult. i push every single person away because i just tear people down. i dont want to do that. You are so amazing and that cant die.

how can i call that mine? that is a way to good for me kindda guy.. ive fallen in love with him. but he is way to good for me.

Tuesday February 12, 2013:

i almost cut last night.. i lost it and i started crying terribly. my mother is such a damn bitch. i cant handle her anymore.. she's having surgary on the 25th of this month.. but shes forcing me to appologise for being 'rude' to my brothers wife.. fuck that.. she told me i didnt appriciate anyone.. you dont tell someone who hates themself, who seriously cant stand to look at herself or hear herself, you DONT TELL THEM THAT THEYRE NOT FUCKING APPRICATIVE! what the hell.. so i have anger issues so i flipped out, not to her, just annonmusly over facebook & shes not even my friend on there so fuck her. seriously. and my mother is sticking up for HER, an not ME. bitch.. i have enough shit i dont need to deal with this, its from over a month ago.. i hate my mother.. she fucking came running downstairs screaming at me for taking something that i really didnt.. i didnt even know what she was talking about.. why... im always to blame. FUCK HER! god... she makes me want to kill myself. she thinks that i look up to her and that she's this perfect little angel and does everything for me.. but all she does is make me feel like shit.. i mean we have our moments that we get along an laugh an are friends. when we're friends we're totally fine, but than she turns in to over protective bitch mode.. i hate itt.. i dont wanna stay after school to get extra help.. and shes fucking making me. i hate it. i hate her. i want to get the fuck away. HELP ME! i need to be saved.

Wednesday February 13th, 2013:

theres not a lot of time to write here today...i only got about 3 minutes.. but damn.. i wanna die.. im not going to stopo myself tonight if i wanna cut. i gotta do it.. its to hard. my parents and my one brother are douches..they fucking dont know when to stop making me feel like shit.. i hate it. goddamn.. i cried so much last night.. i wish i were alone.. it'd be easier not to worry about hurting someone.. i hate myself. im absolutly disguesting. fat, ugly and just so gross.. i hate what ive become.. i cant stop myself. it's who i am now..

my razors fell out of my case this morning, it was scary i thought that someone was going to ask me what they were when i bent to pick them up.. i was so shakey.. i hate myself. ughhh. fuck. i hate everyone, my self the absolute most though.. good bye..

Thursday Febraury 14th, 2013:

well.. i stopped the 21 days last night.. 16.. 2 on my thigh, they're small. and the rest between my two arms. im such a fail..

Jake did the cutest thing ever.. he put a bunch of choclate kisses in my locker & taped it saying 'i <3 u' i keep blushing today.. i just told someone i like they're hat & he said he liked my face, i blush to much, i dont like him even, but it was kindda a compliment, soo.. *sigh* i hope shawntay doesnt get mad at me.. i told her i cut in our notebook, i havent told jake & im nott gunna unless he asks.. i cant tell him.. i HATE THAT THEY CARE!!!!!!!!! ugh... i just hurt eveyrone.. i make everyone want to kill themselves.......... FUCK.

ive been handing outt 'my little pony' valentines today.. only 4 gurls, and like 15 or more guys.. the girls are Shawntay, my friend Kenzie, Tabby & Heather. God.. all of them are so FUCKING gorgeous..ugh.. i seriously wish i could be even half as pretty as them.. Shawntay, everything about her is perfect, i wouldnt change a thing. Perfect long hair, flawless skin, perfect body.. McKenzie, she's in love, happy, so beautiful. Tabby, SO gorgeous, i find her easy to talk to and i think we could be pretty good friends. i love her hair.. i want it terribly. and Heather, her makeup, my lord is it always so damn perfect. no flaws to it, always perfect all the damn day long. She may be a bitch sometimes, but she's also hillarious as fuck. i could see me an her being better friends then we are, but not anything long-best friend. but damn.. i wish i were them..

Friday February 15th, 2013:

last night i broke down terribly and cried for hours.. i could stop. my douche fuck parents.. goddamn.. i wish i could just love them and call it good. but my mom comes down and bitches about facebook.. so now i have to delete it.. god. she controls every damn thing of my life.. she doesnt even know what tumblr is or instagram & she fucking wants me to delete them. HELL TO THE FUCK NO! dumbass. i hate her.. she ruins my life..

Tuesday February 19th, 2013:

okay..well this is reallly really stupid.. but on friday, i realized that with my ex boyfriend, he fucked her while we were together & i had sex with him countless times after.. so now i obviously did something wrong. it showed me how worthless i am & how much i seriously fuck people up..it's all my fault. i loved him wrong. i treated him like shit and look where that's gotten me.. im such a pathetic fucking fail of life. i hate myself.. im used and worthless. im the damn slut of the fucking family for fuck's sake!! my oldest brother just got married & the other just got engaged.. ugh..

ive been starving myself latley too.. it's kinda hard because i love eating, but ive been not eating lunch for about a week & i rarley eat at home soo..

[negasonicimagines]

TEAM (Part Two)

I forgot to mention that this fic is partially inspired by Lorde’s “Team,” hence the title. Kind of about how no matter how much you and the other characters here bicker, you’re all on each others’ team.

This is the second part to TEAM (Part One) [but I hope that’d be obvious] and therefore is inspired by the same request and has essentially the same trigger warnings.

“So, you and Ellie, huh? About time,” Logan remarks, and you feel yourself blush.

“No! It’s not like that! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be the luckiest girl in the world, but, uh… No, it’s not like that.”

“Are you sure about that? I’ve seen the way you two are together. When she’s not looking at you or her phone, she’s watching everyone else like a hawk, like they’re threats. Honestly, Piotr’s worried about her.”

At the mention of Wade’s friend, you’re reminded of what Logan said before, about the thing that he knew that he shouldn’t tell her, the thing Wade also knew.

“What was that, anyway? The thing you knew that you didn’t know before that you would’ve told me if you had but couldn’t tell me?”

“I’m afraid that’s Wade’s business.”

“Great,” you remark. “So, I’ll never know.”

“Listen, kid, I know the stuff he said-”

“Screamed.”

“The stuff he screamed at you was pretty fucking awful. But… He had his reasons, okay? Being around him, being as close to him as you were was dangerous. It made you a target,” Logan explains.

“When will you people realize that I can’t die forever?! I’ve died plenty of times, and I always come back! Let me make my own decisions!”

“How many times have you died, Y/N?” Logan asks.

“It’s just… Hard not to starve when my mom kicks me out over school breaks, especially with the metabolism that comes with a healing factor. I can’t stay with Wade all the time, he has himself and Al to worry about. Muggers don’t like when you don’t have money. Mom doesn’t like me when I don’t have money. I don’t know, probably like eight or nine times.”

“You should’ve come here!” Logan scolds, and you want to curl in on yourself, just like before. “I’m sorry. He and I both know just how much dying can fuck you up, so, to hear you say that you’ve died.... And that you don’t care if you do? It’s concerning, to say the least.”

“Boo-hoo, Y/N’s crazy. Who isn’t?” you remark, annoyed at his concern. Men, they always think they know better.

He sighs. “Listen. You should just talk to him, I’m sure-”

“No,” you say, and it comes out as a whimper. The wound was still fresh. “I don’t want to.”

“Hey, he’s not gonna hurt you,” Logan reassures you. “He probably feels bad for what he said, and-”

“I said no,” you cut him off, but the sad tone in your voice doesn’t make you sound very convincing.

“And he’s not gonna apologize unless he thinks you wanna hear it. You know how Wade gets when he feels guilty, he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Well, I don’t wanna hear an apology. I just want him to be my friend again, like before. That’s it. I don’t care to know why, or how, or whatever. I just miss my friend,” you admit, and Logan sighs.

“Okay...”

“Is it alright if I go? I wanna get started on my Chemistry homework.”

“Yeah,” Logan says. “Go ahead. See you next Wednesday. Or, sooner, if you need anything.”

You leave the gym, making your way to your dorm  with your head down, when you bump into a familiar red-suited man.

“Sorry,” you squeak, not even able to meet the eyes of the mask, before attempting to go past him. He stops you, grabbing at your shoulder, but you flinch away. “Please d-don’t…”

“Y/N…” Wade murmurs, filled with remorse at his rampage. He’d made you scared of him, which means it worked, but he regrets how much it hurt you. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“You’re not, huh?” Ellie, swiftly approaching, asks. “Pretty sure you already did, Deadpool.”

“I just wanted-” he starts, but Ellie, your avenging angel, cuts him off.

“You just wanted what, huh? To terrorize them more, is that it?

“Terrorize? I-”

“You what? Didn’t? Because as someone who sleeps in the same room as Y/N, I can confirm that you did. They cry in their sleep like they did the day it happened. Did you know that, that you made them cry? I guess you do now. So, leave, before I decide I’m going to follow you out the door and blow you to Hell.”

“E-Ellie, I said not to hurt him,” you quietly tell her, and she clenches her fists, grumbling.

“You did?” Wade asks.

“Of course,” you respond meekly, tapping the tips of your fingers together and avoiding the gaze of everyone around you. and Ellie places an arm around you, glaring at Wade without mercy.

“I’m- I’m so sorry, Y/N. I- I just didn’t know what to do, so much was happening. I was so angry at the situation, so scared for your safety, and I took all that aggression out on you, the one person I should’ve been channeling those feelings into protecting, and I- I know I already said it, but I’m a blabbermouth with nothing else to say, so… I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, kid. I know you probably don’t care, you just wanna start over and stay the hell away from me, but I’m sorry. And my door’s always open.”

“Thank you. I forgive you,” you nod, smiling a little, You’re already starting to feel better, more like yourself.

“You what?” Ellie questions, shaking with anger. “He hurt you. He shouldn’t ever be forgiven.”

“She’s right,” Wade agrees, head down.

“Well, it’s my forgiveness, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it,” you remind them, shrugging.

“There she is,” Wade says quietly, and you can somehow tell that he’s smiling. You don’t know if it’s body language, tone of voice, or what, but he’s smiling.

“I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m gonna keep living here, and I’m gonna keep taking better care of myself, so no one has to worry about me again,” you inform him.

“Wrong goal, but I appreciate the method. I don’t mind worrying about you, kid, but I’d rather worry about you not doing your homework than about the next time you’re gonna collapse on my porch, dead.”

“What?” Ellie wonders, and you groan. “Wait, have you died?”

“Goddammit, Wade,” you grumble. “She didn’t know that.”

“H-how?”

“Not important,” you tell her.

“No, it is, Y/N. You want all of us to get over the fact that you can die, but the truth is that you need to get over the fact that we care if you die,” Wade corrects you. There’s no malice in his tone, but the words themselves cause anxiety to slither out of the pit of your stomach like a snake and curl around your lungs and heart, maintining a tight grip.

“It’s because of you not eating or sleeping enough, isn’t it?” Ellie asks. “That’s what you guys were in that fight about the other morning, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you admit, and Ellie closes her eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath and trying to remain calm for your sake, for her own sake.

“Right,” she responds, sighing. “Well, I’m not letting that happen again.”

“Challenge accepted,” you chuckle, and she rolls her eyes.

“I was just on my way back to Photography. Forgot my camera. See you later.”

She makes her way in the direction of the classroom, disappearing around a corner.

“Man, if she didn’t hate me before, she sure does now,” Wade says, and you smile, shaking your head. “Really?” he asks.

“Photography is Mondays and Thursdays… And she didn’t even have her camera.”

Wade scoffs. “Well, she’s definitely taking good care of you. I always knew she would, one day. When did you two finally make it official?  I’m sorry that I missed it.”

“We haven’t made anything official, Wade, she doesn’t like me like that. We’re just close friends.”

He rolls his eyes, going to playfully shove your shoulder, but you flinch away. He sighs.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “I- I was so cruel, I just wanted to say whatever i could to get you away, to protect you, from m-”

“From what? The thing Logan keeps talking about?”

“What thing?” he asks, sounding a bit panicked.

“He keeps saying that there’s this thing he knows that he would’ve told me if he’d known before but he shouldn’t tell me now. It’s super weird, but he said you were going to tell me before you- You-” You stop yourself from continuing, still, shaking a little bit at the memory. It was only the day before yesterday.

“Yeah,” he responds quietly. “It was part of the reason I did that. I just- Us being friends was already dangerous, and you being- You- You’re- I- I’m so sorry I left you with her, if I’d known, if I’d known she was pregnant...I would’ve done the right thing! I’m not that kind of dirtbag, you’ve gotta believe me, and I’m just so, so sorry. Everything that’s wrong with your life, maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I’d just thought- If I’d just thought, but I was young, and stupid, and there’s nothing I can do now except own up to it, own up to the fact that I- I am- I’m- Oh, please…” He practically falls into you, wrapping his arms around your neck. You feel him shake with sobs, and you cry, too, but with a different emotion. Not regret, but happiness.

“You? You’re him?” you ask, and he readjusts himself, backing away from you.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked before hugging, I just didn’t think it was gonna be so hard, and you’re my best friend, and I- I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m so sorry that I’m your father.”

“You are? You’re sorry?” you ask, knowing that he’s apologizing because he regrets it, regrets you and your entire existence.

“Not in the way you’re thinking! You- You deserve so much better, I wanted so much better for you,” he reassures you, or, at least, attempts to.

“How do you even know?”

“I just… I talked to Xavier to see if he had any connections that could help me find your father, and he said he did, but he insisted that I give him a sample of my DNA to see if they match before he used his connections. I laughed it off, but then… it was a match.”

“How’d you get my DNA?” You wonder.

“Oh, I stuck a cotton swab in your mouth while you were sleeping. Wasn’t hard, you’re a really heavy sleeper,” he says, and you have a faint memory of the dream you had about a week ago where you were abducted by aliens that wanted to harvest your DNA to create genetically modified pet humans for their home planet. You laugh.

“So, you found out it was a match, and then… You were angry about it? Hated that the Wilson family legacy wasn’t going to end with you?”

“No. I was angry, yeah, but at myself. I was irresponsible, and my best friend in the whole world sufferred because of it. I never recognized your mom the times I’d seen her, and we had sex!”

“You had sex with my mom? Bro code violation alert!” you joke, and he chuckles bitterly.

“Right?” he responds. “But… I don’t even know where to go from here. Things can’t go back to normal, that’s not okay. I need to step up. And, even if it was the right thing to do, going back to normal… I get the feeling that you’re not gonna be that comfortable around me for a while. I was… I was just like my dad. My worst fucking fear.”

“You’re not him, okay? I promise.”

“I should be comforting you,” he says, stepping towards you. Out of renewed instinct, you step back. He’s heartbroken.

“Try- Try not to take it personally, I’m like this with just about everybody,” you attempt to make him feel better, but he shakes his head.

“You haven’t been like this with me, not before- Before I did what I did. Said those things, those awful, untrue things. Why did I say those things? They weren’t the truth, they were the opposite of it. I love hearing from you, it makes every day better. Finding you on my couch is a great feeling, knowing that someone as great as you trusts me, sees me as someone who can keep them safe.”

“And my memes?” You ask in a sarcastically accusatory tone.

“The funniest,” he replies. “Can I- Can I give you a hug?”

You nod, and he surges forward, wrapping you up in his arms and spinning you around.

“I always hoped it’d be like that,” you quietly admit, and he beams.

“Listen, we can talk later at dinner. I think you’ve got a certain girl you need to talk to, and she and her metal accomplice are approaching.”

“I think she’s his accomplice,” you correct with a laugh.

“Gotta bounce before the hardest guy on Earth ropes me into another mission. I’ll be back, though, kid.”

“Yeah. See you soon…”

“Wade’s fine for now, unless you wanna call me something else. We can negotiate later, ‘kay? Love you, bye.” Wade scurries down the hall, not realizing that he’s going towards the dorms, not the exit.

“Wade Wilson!” calls Piotr from behind you, and you turn around to see that Ellie is far closer to you than she is to Piotr, having gone faster on her smaller, lighter legs.

“Uh, hello…” you say dumbly.

“Based on your expression, I’d say that discussion went well.”

“Very well. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to talk to me alone, I’m sure you didn’t wanna do that.”

“I didn’t, but I figured it was the best option. Tell me more on the way to the dorm.”

“Well, uh… He apologized, a lot. Not just for the fights.”

“For letting you die?”

“No. Worse.”

“Holy shit, what’d he do, and why haven’t I heard about it?” She asks, tense.

“Because I didn’t know,” you reply defensively. “He’s- He’s my biological father, Ellie.”

“Whoa… Seriously? How long has he known?”

“I don’t know, but not long, the DNA tests were recently. He just wanted to help me find my dad and when he asked Xavier if he had any way of helping, the Professor said that he had to submit a sample to be tested. Turn’s out the old man’s hunch was right. You… You still wanna be friends, right?”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I?” Ellie wonders.

“I just- I know you don’t like Wade very much, and I’m technically his daughter, so…”

“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore,” Ellie argues, and then covers her mouth.

“You love me?”

“Yeah, but just, like, in a friend way,” she plays it off rather smoothly, in her opinion, but you sigh in disappointment before you can stop yourself. “Wait, do you love me in a not-friend way?”

“Not really sure what you wanna hear,” you respond, feeling the recently-sealed cracks in your heart refracturing.

“Do you?” she asks.

You’re silent as the two of you walk to your shared dorm.

“Y/N, I asked you a question. Do you love me as a friend, or as more?”

You feel overheated and nauseous, that’s how nervous you are. You attempt to take some steadying breaths before answering: “More.”

“Oh, thank god…” she sighs. “I- I told you on Monday, when you fell asleep with me. But you were asleep, so, you didn’t hear me… Duh… I sound so stupid right now, don’t I?”

“No, not at all! Jeez, today just keeps getting better and better, I mean it!” You exclaim.

“Can- Can I kiss you?” Ellie asks nervously, and your eyes widen, but you nod. She takes your face in her hands and just goes for it, pressing her lips to yours. You respond immediately, wrapping your arms around her neck while her hands slip past your face and into your hair, tugging gently. You let out a small, quiet moan at that, and you can feel her smirk a little. She kisses you faster, pushing her body closer to yours, and your knees give out. She catches you in the nick of time, laughing a bit at how easily flustered you are as she nudges you toward the bed, sitting there with you. “Your knees are right, we probably shouldn’t rush into things.”

“Yeah…” you admit, resting your head on her shoulder.

“I love you…” She mumbles. “I’ve loved you for a long time, actually.”

“Same here. When did you know?”

Ellie replies: “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“I can tell you first, if you want,” you offer.

“Yeah, do that…” She says.

“I just realized that every time I was upset, you were there, making me feel better. Even if you didn’t know it. Every time my mom hit me, or I got stabbed by an asshole mugger, or I was about to faint from hunger… You were right there. Making my life better just by existing.”

“I wish I could’ve been right there in person, to help you,” Ellie says, and you shake your head.

“That’s not the point. The point is that you did, without even trying. You always make me happy, without even trying.You just have to be there and everything is better.”

“That’s really nice… I feel dumb now,” Ellie confesses.

“It’s not dumb! Probably not, I mean…” you reply, nuzzling her chest a bit as you try to get a bit cozier.

“Um...You probably don’t know this, but I used to get in fights a lot before we met. And Piotr would always lecture me, telling me it wasn’t heroic to fight out of anger. That I should fight for something, not because of something. That I should be aware of the consequences that come with fighting, and truly think about them before I did. I never understood what he meant, and then we met and became friends… Then best friends…

“I didn’t even realize that before every fight, even the ones I was assigned, I’d think about how I was going to make the world a better place for you. I’d think about what you would think if you heard what I was doing. I- I made a mistake at one point, got angry over nothing and got into another stupid, pointless fight. It was the first time in awhile I’d heard Colossus’s spiel, and I realized my thinking process with every world he spoke. It all just made me think of how I feel about you. You’d made me a better person, more mindful of the consequences of my actions, my thoughtless, immature violence. That’s when I knew.”

“Oh, shut up! That’s way better than mine and not embarrassing at all! Show-off,” you remark, and she chuckles.

“That was fucking beautiful!” Wade wails from behind the door.

“I think I liked it better when you two weren’t friends,” Ellie comments, and you smile at her, shaking your head. She takes your hand in hers and squeezes gently.

“Oh, come on. You can’t hate him. I mean, I wouldn’t exist without him, for a few reasons. I mean, he’s the one who passed me the gene for a healing factor, even if his was recessive before. And, I mean, he’s the sperm donor either way.”

“I heard that!” he shouts, and Ellie smiles at you, planting another kiss on your lips.

You could get used to this.

[lostandemptywithoutyou]

17/6

Spoke to your mom yesterday. Wanted to see how you were getting on and see if your ok. Didn't really say anything, just said thanks for checking in. Asked how I was and I said I'm not doing too well in all honestly. Which if you have read up till this point you can see is true. She responded you take care mate and speak soon. Not the response I was expecting to be honest. Not sure on what you've told your mom. As we haven't really had a conversation about it. Thing is I don't think I care anymore. Hard for me to say. Its almost been a week and I've had so many different emotions, non of them good. Still blame myself. If I would want 1 thing from you it'll be just to speak up more and maybe just be a little more decisive rather then just answering I don't know to everything. But I could have been so much better. Haven't been on my ps the last few nights. Just got home and watched tiktok then my programs until I fell asleep. Tiktoks not been my friend recently. Scrolling through before work yesterday and I like watching the random reddit posts videos. Anyway one of the first ones that came up was "how to know if a girl is definitely not into you". Yeah great, thanks for that. Worst thing was, I watched it and some of the things said was more about me not being into you, not the other way around. Felt even worse after that. Also had about 3 different dating apps show up as ads. Great. Don't know if my phones trying to tell me something.

 My birthdays next week. Don't know how that's going to plan out. If I still feel like this I wont want to go over to Rowes. That was the plan. I don't really want to go on holiday feeling like this. Don't think this feeling mixed with alcohol is best for me right now. Maybe ill go and just lie in the sun all holiday and not go out on the night. I don't know. Just not been in the right mind set recently. Still not in the right mind set. Yesterday I was so angry. I couldn't even tell you why. Walked Lara to scouts and she just talked and talked and talked. I got home and I was just angry. Didn't know weather to knock myself out or just cry. Wasn't even thinking of anything that's what annoyed me. Almost lashed out at my boss Wednesday, again just so angry.

 Going to Scott's BBQ today. Surprised you didn't say anything in the chat. All of the lads know. Well they don't know the ins and outs, but know that we have decided to take a break due to you not being happy and wanting to find yourself and there's reasons to do with me. Scott knows more about what's going on. Doesn't know what I had sent you as I don't need that right now, but he knows I haven't said anything I shouldn't have. Craig knows how I feel as he asks every day how I'm feeling, but doesn't know anything that's gone on. So he knows everything and nothing at the same time. And everyone else responded saying that they are there if I need anything and said they hope it doesn't last. The break I mean. Scott and Rowe went out last night for a few drinks before the football and messaged to see if I wanted to go Made. They said they'd both give me £10-15 for it, but I don't want to. Not only are the tickets £70 for A DAY! but I only know 4 of the people going and I like maybe only know 1 song from each of them. They said it'll cheer me up but I don't know if it will. Its at the end of July. 

 Who knows where we will stand in a months time. Its been a week and I feel like I cant like without you. Who knows how long it'll take for you to figure whatever it is you need out. If anything. I just want, together or not, to be on the same page as you and make sure the decision you make is what's best for you.

I've got tiktoks showing me places to visit in the UK. This one had a lovely beach that was slightly out the way so it wouldn't be too busy. Thinking about doing it for a week end. 6 hour drive. Could drive down on a Friday 3 hour to a hotel, then drive to the beach for the day then back to hotel, then back on the Sunday. Think it would be cute. And if I could drive at that point, we could take it in turns. Just more thoughts throughout the day.

[15001700tt]

Reflections of the Deep Sense of Self

well, i dont really have an audience except for a handful of mutuals and the many porn bots that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how hard i try but i am still gonna use this platform to voice out my thoughts since i have too many of them and i feel like i might drown if i don't talk about them.

i dont necessarily think that i am a person that is easily swayed by men, i was able to emotionally control myself quite effectively in my youth.

my first crush was simply a pick from the crowd to stop my friends nagging about who it was. i just observed the crowd and picked the most likely to not interact with my sort and said "him, he is so cute!" hoping that my friends wouldn't see through my facade. i didn't want to like anyone just because of their looks but I had quite literally not spoken to the male sort in my entire life (not including men I am related to, I was in all girl private school before I moved to America's public system) to develop an interest in them in a romantic or infatuated way even.

now this is just my introduction to my philosophical essay about whether hurt/ mentally ill people are inherently evil but I must admit that this was started because of other reasons. we might not even get to touch on that either, i tend to ramble and not get to the point effectively.

if you followed me long enough you would know that I was talking to a man I might've called Viking. but we do not talk anymore after I made my feelings clear to him.

i feel many things, most of the time, its anger, the other times, confusion, hurt, rejection..etc. but I do not blame him. mostly because, i am quite annoying as a human being.

one of the things i took to as a way to distract me from the pain, was reading. i read so much that it was impossible to feel anything except the emotions that I was told to through a page. but in between books I would have nights where i wouldnt be able to focus on the words, and I would ponder what was it i did wrong, what was it that made him deem me worthless, not worth responding to. and I would come up blank because my self-preservation wont allow me believe that because I made my intentions clear that I was in the wrong to do so when I feIt that our relationship was taking the wrong turn. if I am allowed to call it a relationship, because quite frankly it was a level below a situationship and a level above a friendship. that I was quite sure of.

as I sit here and write after almost two months of silence from his end and mine, because I refuse to be the one to break it. call it pride, call it stubbornness, I was not the one to ghost the other. i refuse to chase after someone who clearly does not want me. but still can't deny that I lay in bed every night at some godforsaken hours of the night wishing, and hoping that he would just take a step towards me. as I had done to him that one Wednesday afternoon in April.

my point is that my interest in men started out of necessity but it has evolved into a yearning of something that seems quite unattainable. i am not attractive by any means, but I am not of the ugliest sort. i have seen people with more weight with worse features than I with partners who could care less about appearances. which to say that my looks shouldn't be any good reason to ghost me. and while I don't necessarily think that my appearance was the reason for the silence I do struggle with the way l look so my insecurities have found a very good home in the found silence from him. i am working on losing weight out of a bet with friends but also out of bitterness but nevertheless, he is a man and if he wont block me than he must see what he is missing out on.

but again, I used to think I would never be that girl. the one who wanted something but she cant have it. which is quite the diabolical because the entirety of the 11 months we talked I had many panic/ anxiety attacks over how our appearances didn't match, our aesthetics weren't compatible, about how I was too ugly for him or too fat for him. but he seemed the sort that was straightforward and didnt waste other peoples times. i guess i was wrong in the sense that he kept me around because he was bored and disposed of me when it got too serious for his liking. i thought i always had the upperhand, that if things ended i wouldnt be too hurt about it and do what i do best, find the next boy to obsess over.

funny enough, he seemed interested. but i cant know for sure. i mightve made it up in my head.

i have a fear, which shouldnt be a fear but it is. remember how i said that my first crush was out of necessity? well that seems to be the case with me from 7th grade to the end of highschool. which is crazy because you would think with all the men i obsess over that i would find men attractive. i think there is a clear line between celebrities and fiction characters from a real person with undeliberate faults and thing you cant control.

i never thought any of my crushes were ugly, they were good looking but they didnt make me feel attracted to them. it didnt help that i was also the type to watch from a far and not the get close and comfortable.

considering this my first person that i liked and held an 11 months conversation/-ship with i think i did very good but that doesnt change that i read too many romantic book and i had a silver of hope.

a silver of hope that maybe i wasnt weird or shitty for not feeling attracted to anyone in my life. that i finally found someone who literally embodied my dream guy and couldnt have been more perfect. if only he was better at communicating.

he says that he is traumatized from long distance relationships, i now understand that it mightve been his fault. he doesnt communicate. in the 11 months we have known each other i know about a handful of things about him while he had me all figured out. except for one thing. he never got my fear of relationships. since i suspect he ghosted me because he thought i would want one. i guess ghosting me seemed like his best option.

i might not be undesireable but i am not anyone's first choice either. usingmedia to distract me from my emotions literally has become my life. i read about 15 hockey romances the weeks after the ghosting. i was already reading regency era adult romances but i couldnt bring myself to finish them because i had spoken to him about them. this decision i will regret because i talked about everything with him. i mentioned this before. quite literally everything reminds me of him. and its quite sad because i cant evn ssay what we had was special. i decided yesterday that he wasnt worth all of this, and i know he isnt. but i am tired. i just want to be dessired and wanted.

i literally stopped reading a book because the male interest did the same thing that he did to me, essentially to the female protag. i cant even pick up the raunchy adult romance.

i didnt let my self feel the extent of my emotions, only in small slivers of despair, or when i am too tired to pretend that his actions didnt affect me.

he was perfect in all ways but one and i was all faults except for one; my immenient need to communicate.

and no one knows, a friend of mine knows, but they dont know everything, i dont want her to get annoyed with me. i was in her place too many times and i refuse to put her through that. and our mutual friends?

hahahahaha the other night i was speaking with S, and he said that the last time he spoke to him, he mentioned me and Viking said 'oh i havent spoken to her in a while' thats it. no explaination no excuse. i dont even know why that infuriated me. i wasnt even worth an explaination in his eyes. S barely found out via vague summary from me. because even though i was/am hurt. i refuse to tarnish his reputation. 'in a while' ????? you mean two months? but then again S couldnt remember the last time he talked to him. but like still?

forget that we were flirting constantly i thought i was friend at least. i deserve more than this. i think. maybe not then.

i want to scream and shout and hit him and cry about why he didnt want me. but i realize thats self depricating. i should never seek validation from a man, i know but it wouldnt fucking hurt fam.

i have so much to say and yet i feel like its already too much. i should keep quiet. thats what people want from me. for someone who is 'boy crazy' i have not stomached going on a dating app, or boy watching in public because it physically hurts. for gods sake i cant even read fanfiction or just READ because of it. any sight of anything merely romantic makes me want to yell. i am tired and i want to turn everything off. including my stupid rat brain that only seems to be attracted to assholes.

but the same fucking stupid brain cant help but hope that is our enemies to lovers story. one day... god i hope one day...

[pjo-hoo-nextgen]

The First Quest X

Andy attempted to gain some knowledge as to why Maria and Jaxon were no longer on speaking terms, but not many people knew what had happened.

“I don’t get it,” Andy huffed, resting his chin on his hand. “They always fight but this is different.”

“Wrench,” Sol held out her hand expectantly and Andy placed the tool in her grip.

“If anything they’d have fixed it by now.” He paused in thought for a moment, tapping his fingers against his chin.

“Maybe they just need time apart.” Sol suggested making an unusual attempt at conversation.

“They hardly touch one another with an eight foot pole. They have plenty of time apart.” Andy laughed. Sol hummed in reply and settled her goggles back on her face. “I mean the bickering gets old but the silence is just...uncomfortable.”

“Some people have odd ways of doing things.” The motor Sol was working on gave a small attempt to start before fizzling out. “Crap. I swore I fixed it.”

“Try jiggling the knobby thing.” Andy pointed at a protrusion on the machine.

“That’s not what it’s called,” Andy noticed the small smile on her face and couldn’t help but sit up a bit taller. She took his advice anyways and sure enough the engine gave a mighty sputter before maintaining a low hum. “Yes! Finally!”

“Great! Now you can put it on the motorized dummy track for the training arena!” Andy hopped up from the stool he’d been sitting on.

“That’s the plan.” Sol nodded, moving to turn off the device. With a satisfied nod she tugged off her goggles and gloves.

“You got a little something.” Andy gestured to his own nose indicating the spot where Sol had a fair amount of grease plastered on her face.

“Again?” With a grunt of frustration Sol used the hem of her shirt to scrub at her face. The grease only smeared further over her nose and cheeks.

“Don’t do that!” Andy laughed. “You got it everywhere!”

“Ugh! I hate my life!” Sol huffed.

“Sit down. I got this.” Andy offered her the stool. Sitting, Sol watched him curiously until he came back with a squirt bottle, a surprisingly clean rag, and a mirror. “I will be your stylist today. I was trained in the art of beauty!”

With an impish grin Andy did a clumsy spin and struck a pose, spinning the bottle on his finger as if it were a ring of car keys.

“I hate you.”

“I know.” Andy winked. “Now let the master work.”

Sol sat perfectly still as Andy worked at cleaning away the stubborn residue. She’d had experiences like this before and her skin was often left red and raw from the rough material. This time, however, it was different. Andy managed to perform the task with ease being surprisingly gentle.

“Aaaaaaand, done.” He declared. “Take a look babe.”

Andy held up the mirror for Sol to check her reflection. “Not bad Grace.”

“Clean as a whistle.” Andy nodded. “Like I said...I’m the master.”

“Of dorkiness.” Sol scoffed tossing the dirtied rag at him.

“My feelings.” Andy feigned offense. “Anyways, we have a game of capture the flag to prepare for.”

“Indeed.” Sol nodded. “I have a feeling this will be very interesting.”

— — —

Indeed it was. Maria and Jaxon were inevitably on the same team once more. Only this time, Grey was left trying to manage the forces.

Maria and Jaxon had both adopted personal agendas and didn’t bother to acknowledge the rest of their team.

“Okay, so...I’m on defense. This is cool.” Andy talked to himself as he paced beside the flag.

“What’d you expect? We got our moment of glory last time. The other kids were destined to have a shot.” Sol frowned sitting on a rock and sharpening her blade. “But the schedule goes Wednesday-Friday for Capture the Flag games. We get another shot soon enough.”

“Yeah, but I expected more entertainment.” Andy paused in his pacing to kick a rock into the trees. At first neither of them noticed it but then it became quiet clear.

There was a commotion going on at the center of the battlefield. From the sound of it nearly everyone had stopped to watch. “Okay, I know we have to guard this but-“

“Come on.” Sol was already running in the direction of the noise with Andy following hot on her heels. The two stumbled from the woods to find a very alarming sight.

“Oh my Gods they’re trying to kill each other.” Andy breathed.

Despite being on the same team Jaxon and Maria were locked in a heated duel. Maria had a score to settle and she intended on restoring some of her pride.

Sol was the first to do anything. Being small she managed to worm her way through the gathered crowd. Andy squeezed his way through with a bit more effort.

“I said go to the right.” Jaxon growled.

“What I do is not up to you.” Maria replied slashing at him with her sword. Jaxon stepped to the side and lashed out in return. Maria arched her blade behind her back ending the strike. “You made it quite clear.”

Spinning Maria slashed angrily at Jaxon’s ankles. Leaping he twisted in the air sending a blast of air far more violent than he should have. Maria was knocked to the side, she tumbled a bit, before coming to a rest.

“Jaxon what are you doing?!” Andy demanded latching onto his brother’s arm.

Maria crawled to her feet, rolledher shoulders, and gave a twirl of her sword; a challenge.

“Enough. Both of you.” Grey stepped between the two raging demigods. “Knock it off.”

“Step aside Grey.” Maria’s voice was full of authority, dripping with the power only a true leader could muster.

“Make me.” The eldest boy raised his chin in defiance.

“Sorry.” Maria gave him an apologetic look before charging at Jaxon and using her elbow to nudge Grey aside. Jaxon shoved Andy away, who stumbled back into the crowd of people.

Sol’s anger flared up and despite herself her arms ignited in bright orange fire. Jaxon made another strike but Sol deflected the blade and caught hold of the weapon. The blade sizzled before the gold began to melt.

Jaxon looked down in surprise before it dawned on him that Sol was ruining his father’s blade. He’d just gotten it back from Thia via Hermes’ messenger friends: wind nymphs. Now, Sol was melting the gold into a bubbling puddle. On instinct he reacted.

Sol was blasted back into Maria causing both girls to collapse on the ground. There was the sound of a painful snap and a cry of pain.

“What is the meaning of this?” The demand came from Chiron who had finally made his way to the commotion.

Jaxon looked with teary eyes at the ruined heirloom in his hand. He had grown up using the blade, dreamed of smiting enemies as dangerous as his father had. It was gone now. Ruined.

Grey knelt beside Sol and Maria. “Are you two alright?”

“Ugh, yeah.” Maria mumbled rubbing her head. She glanced over at Sol only to find the young girl crying and nursing her very broken wrist. “Oh Gods.”

She wasn’t the only one to notice the injury. Grey’s eyes widened and he moved to help her. Andy flew into a rage. He tackled his brother to the ground despite his smaller stature and let his fists fly.

“What is wrong with you? Huh?” His fists stung painfully. “You can’t hurt people like that!”

“Stop!” Jaxon held his arms up to protect his face. “Andy, stop!”

The younger boy was thrown off with a buck of Jaxon’s hips. Jaxon wrapped his arms around Andy holding him still.

“Get off of me!” Andy yelled, squirming violently.

The commotion ended only when each of the demigods was dragged to the infirmary.

— — —

“I have no idea what’s gotten into all of you but you need to figure it out.” Jason stood with his arms crossed looking at each of the kids who sat nursing injuries. Grey was the only one completely unscathed.

“You cannot go around trying to kill each other! That’s not okay!” Annabeth who had also been selected to give the lecture pinched the bridge of her nose.

“I didn’t do anything.” Andy protested.

“You pummeled your brother.” Jason glowered. Andy opened his mouth to reply but Jason held up a hand. “Andy Clay Grace, do not argue.”

“So what’s the punishment?” Grey asked glumly.

“You’re all staying here until you sort it out. No leaving or going home.” Jason determined.

“That’s not fair!” Maria cried.

“Some of you can go home, Grey, Sol. You are both allowed to leave.” Neither of them made a move. “Or you can stay here if you wish.”

“Figure it out.” Annabeth shrugged. “It’s that simple. There’s no unity in anything if infighting this bad exists.”

— — —

And so they were left there to solve their problems. Maria selected her own little corner of the infirmary and claimed it her own. Jaxon did the same.

“Let me see it.” Grey knelt in front of the bed Sol sat on and gently took her bandaged wrist. “It should heal relatively well, maybe a bit of physical therapy will be needed, and no forge for some time.”

“Your dad said all of that already.” Sol mumbled. Sniffling she wiped her nose on her sleeve.

“Well, I learned from the best.” Grey stood and ruffled her hair. “I’ll be back. I’m going to get cleaned up.”

“Was it wrong to punch him?” Sol startled at Andy’s remark. He’d been so quiet she had hardly noticed him there.

“Yeah.” Sol nodded. Andy’s head was bowed and his bottom lip began to tremble.

“I just got mad. I didn’t mean to hurt him that bad but-I don’t like him when he’s like this.” Andy hardly cried and so Sol was left with a brief moment of surprise. She wasn’t sure what to do. She’d never been the best at comforting someone.

“Hey, don’t cry.” Sol gave a light punch to his arm with her good hand. “People mess up.”

“Yeah, but a good brother doesn’t punch his sibling.” Andy sniffled.

“A good brother also doesn’t push his sibling.” Sol slung her arm around Andy’s shoulders. He didn’t say anything else after resting his head on her shoulder. She let him cry and pretended not to notice for his sake.

— — —

Jaxon sat staring at the deformed blade. He couldn’t believe it. He wanted to cry. With an angered grunt he chucked it across the room where it clattered to the floor. “Stupid.”

Maria glanced in his direction and felt a tiny amount of sympathy for him. She did know how much the weapon meant to him. “Your dad won’t be mad you know.”

“Yeah right.” Jaxon huffed.

“He’s not that big of an ass.” Maria noted dryly. The conversation ended quickly and the infirmary was bathed in a permanent silence. Slowly the demigods began to drift off to sleep and the silence would remain until the morning.

[trashfor-bts]

Sorry, Posting a story soon, mini rant for now

Am I the only one that is tired of hanging on? I try so hard, to remember those from home, I miss them, I cry all night wishing to see them again, ngl I kind of stalk them on social media, just for my own little piece of home, my friends, my life, my family, and then watching them move one, the ones who used to call me their best friend move on, calling me there past, and forgetting me, am I wrong for thinking that we where real friends? Am I the only one who goes out of their way to message someone they haven't heard from in a while, and send them a big long paragraph, explaining that I miss them, I hope there ok, and positvelly affirming them, only to get a “k” back? I love them, and I know sometimes its hard, but I just wanna go home and see them, and I’m not even a grain of sand in their mind of wild thoughts, And no matter what I do, I cant not care, I cant not wonder how they are, or make sure they feel good, I cant.  SEPERATE RANT On another note,  I AM SO DONE WITH MY CURRENT BEST FRIEND!!!! I HAVE ATTACHMENT ISSUES AND I JUGED HER AS A GOOD FRIEND TO FAST, NOT ALL SHE EVER TALKS ABOUT IS HER!!!!!!!! SHES SO INTO BEING MY FRIEND WHEN IT BENIFTS HER!! ALL IT IS IS “me me me me me, hey listen to me talk about this game I like, that has nothing to do with anything we have EVER talked about and NO BENIFT TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING, for 5 HOURS, and then when you want to talk about you father calling you a whore and belidling you, IM GOING TO TURN AWAY, SIGH OF BOREDOM, AND TEXT MY ONLINE FREINDS, AND LATER WHEN YOU CALL ME ON IT, ALL I AM GOING TO SAY ‘Well I never see them and I see you all the time’ THEN WHEN YOU AS WHY I NEVER LISTEN TO YOU, IM GOING TO SAY ‘Well ALL your problems are the same as mine, and you know I HATE BEING COPIED’”

SHE KNOWS THAT I AM NOT COPYING HER! SHE ALSO KNOWS THAT SHE COPIES ME!!! I HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA, A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN MY HEAD THAT LIVE THERE, WITH THERE OWN LIVES AND PROBLEMS AND MEMORIES AND FAMILYS (fyi, I have no idea what it is, I call it schizophrenia because its the closest thing I can find to it, no it is not DID, they cant come forward and control my body)  AND SHE AT LUNCH THE DAY I TELL HER “ ugh my alters are so mean to my sister and coworkers, i mean come one, he came forward while I was working yesterday, and I had to coach him to be nice, because I don't wanna lose my job, duh, because you know, when alters come forward they take over your body and you sit there and watch from the back of you head, you didn't know that did you”  NOW NOT ONLY IS SHE MADE AT ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDNT DO SHES BEING A HYPOCRATE!! ALSO SHE KNOWS I WANT TO BE A PHYCOLOGIST, AND SHES TRYING TO SCHOOL MEAN ON A MEANTAL ILLNESS THAT ONE: SHES FAKING HAVING ( EVEN THOUGH HER RESPONSE TO ME SAYING “Dude you dont have DID” was “I never said that, stop putting words in my mouth”) AND TWO HAVE DONE MY RESARCH ON

ESBNVJTIBDPGINRTDHG

THEN SHE TRIED TO BELITTLE MY GIRLFRIEND (Yes I’m gay, deal with it) WHO ONE, GOES TO SCHOOL, 2 LIVES IN A HELL WHOLE, AND THREE WORKS WEDNESDAY, THRUSDAY, SUTARDAY AND SUNDAYS, FIVE HOURS A DAY, BEING MCDONALDS BITCH, WORKING THE WINDOWS (she also used to work the fryer)

 WHEN I EXPRESED CONCERN, FOR MY LITTLE PRINCESS, WHO BURNT HERSELF ON A FRYER AND SHUT HER HAND IN THE DRIVE THROUGH DOOR, THIS BITCH (who works 2 days week with a 5 hours shift) DECIED TO SAY “ your girlfriend thinks her job is so hard why dont we trade jobs for a week and see how much she complains then” THIS BITCH FILLS UP THE SODA DRINKS AND LABELS THEM........ 

I’M SO TIRED OF HAVING EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO HER BECASUE SHE IS SO STUPIDLY TOXIC, BUT ITS TO LATE AND I ALRTEADY HAVE APPANDOMENT ISSUES, EDBREIJGJLERGNEVR THIS MAKES IT 2000000000000000000000000000X WORSE.

[taylorunicorn13]

I ALMOST MET HER

I ALMOST MET HER Disclaimer, it's a very long story guys, it contains a lot of emotions, regret, happiness and sadness in just one post. 15th of October, 2017 One of my mutuals on twitter, changed her name to "Taylor Nation" and sent me a confidential DM (msg usually sent by Taylor Nation to all deserving swifties who got luckily invited to Taylor's secret session") I really thought it was frickin real and i even sent her my complete address and legit included "PHILIPPINES" on it. Little did i know, she was just playing around and messing with my feelings (but she is my friend tho, and i cant hate her cause she's one my fave mutuals ever) but damn guys, it really wrecked my whole damn life, i thought Taylor wants to me too 😔 i thought Taylor knows my name and how i look like. And after few hours, i was able to get my composure back and already accepted the fact that I WILL NEVER EVER MEET Taylor Alison Swift. I've been a twitter stan for a very long period of time, and always complain on how Tay put so much attention on tumblr swifties, and never appreciates twitter swifties (sorry) and since using tumblr confuses me a lot, i decided to stay on twitter and use it as my major fangirling tool lol Then lately, Taylor has been joining instagram live of some lucky swifties, so i tried my luck on IG again and made myself look like an idiot by going on IG live just to get Taylor's attention, but after 3 attempts of trying, I gave up. Then last Wednesday, 18th of October, 2017 ONE DIRECT MESSAGE ALMOST CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE. At around 11:54AM, i got a notification again from Taylor Nation, saying "CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE" damn babe, it's just so funny how i literally ignored it for a min bc i think someone is trying to make fun of me again, but SHIT JUST GOT REAL!!!!! GUYS!!!! I clicked on the account, and yeah, confirmed! TAYLOR NATION JUST SENT ME A DM!!!! It took a while for me to absorb everything and reply on their dm cause I was literally shaking, crying and screaming the whole frickin time bc it was frickin real and no longer a prank. I even woke all my relatives up and they thought that something bad happened to me lol and yeah it took me 4 frickin mins to send all the personal info that they need from me. And you know the drill guys, cause once Taylor Nation sends that so called "CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE" you already know what will happen next, *internally screaming* "SECRET SESSION" babyyyyy!!!! And after getting their DM, i was so happy, it felt like I was in cloud 9! Ive never felt that genuine happiness before, added to the fact that i was also completely unstable, i wanna scream and tell the whole wide world that I am so close to meeting Taylor Swift but I cant. So i just spent the whole night and day waiting for their reply and thinking of happy memories that I am soon gonna be making with Taylor. Then Thursday morning, 19th of October 2017. My phone rings, it was a very unfamiliar yet too familiar, international number! My heart beats faster and my voice starts to tremble as I answer and say hello to the happy girl on the other line! "Heyyy Camila, ohmygod, it feels so nice to finally be able talk to you, wow" OHMYFUCKING GOD !!! THE SINCERITY AND HAPPINESS ON HER VOICE WERE SURREAL I AM TALKING TO TAYLOR NATION ON THE THE OTHER LINE She keeps on saying WOW lol so i finally said, "Hi, are you Taylor Nation? And ohhh, I'm not Camila, it's actually Cristina" (LOL GUYS, I'VE BEEN USING CAMILA'S NAME ON TWITTER FOR SO LONG, I THINK THEY THOUGHT THAT IT WAS MY PET NAME OR WHATEVER) so that's how our conversation started, she also introduced herself and i was so stupid for not remembering her name for being too hyped. All i remember was these lines "TAYLOR IS INVITING YOU TO A VERY SPECIAL AND EXCLUSIVE EVENT" "IM TELLING YOU THAT THIS IS A BIG OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO FINALLY MEET HER" FUCK FUCK FUCK TAYLOR WANTS TO MEET ME TAYLOR KNOWS ME TAYLOR IS NOT IGNORING ME AND ALL THIS TIME, TAYLOR HAS BEEN STALKING ME AM I DREAMING? Then, i caught myself off guard when she said "I know it will really take a long journey for you, knowing that you're from the Philippines, but are you willing to take it?" I said YES (cause bitch i love taylor so much and of course ill do anything to meet her) So i asked her, "when and where" And she said "It's actually this coming Sunday in Los Angeles, can you make it?" The happy tone of her voice was still there OKAY, GUYS IM DONE MY LIFE IS RUINED I AM A TOTAL MESS "I DONT HAVE A PASSPORT AND VISA" How can I make it in L.A in three motherfucking days? I AM SO DEVASTATED So thereeeeee, she was explaining a lot of things and the only thing i could recall was "looks like you're not going to make it" and i can hear the sudden regret and sadness in her voice. I AM SO SAD. FROM BEING IN CLOUD 9 TO GODDAMN HELL REAL QUICK But before we end our conversation, i asked her one last question. "HOW DID YOU GUYS FIND ME?" I hear her laugh on the other line before she answers me "We have our own ways, we have our eyes, and we've been monitoring you for a very long time, you're such a great fan, and we love how you show your love ans support on Tay even when she's on break and especially during her TRIAL, and i really love your account" OMG WHAT TRIAL? YOU MEAN HER CASE? SO ARE THEY REALLY STALKING ME IS TAYLOR REALLY STALKING ME DID TAYLOR ALSO HANDPICK ME? THE THOUGHT OF TAYLOR STALKING ME WITHOUT ME KNOWING SOMEHOW CHANGED EVERYTHING. SHE KNOWS MY EXISTENCE. IT MADE ME FEEL BETTER I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND IT HURTS I HATE MYSELF FOR LOSING THE BIGGEST OPPORTUNITY OF MY LIFE I AM FOREVER CARRYING THIS BURDEN Also the pictures, I've been creating in my head, of me happily spending the best time of my life with Taylor in her apartment in LA, with Meredith and Olivia, was G O N E. Like G-O-N-E. GONE in just like that. My world literally crashed after the phone convo that I had with TN, it changed my whole perspective in life and also as a swiftie, i thought that I will never ever get this chance. I even told myself that if Taylor would ever invite me to her Secret Session, i would legit do anything just to be there with her. But what the fuck did just happen? I'm almost there! I've been waiting since forever. It was already Taylor who's inviting me and I just put her down 😔 This is the worst thing that could ever happen to a huge and dedicated swiftie like me. My family and friends used to say that "your time will come" and i guess that's it. That's how it works, that's how I lost the chance. The opportunity was already there, but the timing wasn't right. Ive been keeping this sadness all alone cause i made a promise to Taylor and TN to keep it until the LA Secret Session was over. And yeah, btw to all my fellow swifties who hasn't been noticed by Tay yet, don't lose hope. And also, just a quick reminder to all international Swifties especially Filo swifties, guys don't ever say that she's being unfair for not giving chances to us, i am telling you guys, she's giving equal opportunities to all her swifties and really doing her very best to meet all of us 😊 And if your time hasnt arrived, then it's not your time yet. And to Taylor Swift, i know you can't wait to meet me too and I am sorry I could make it this time but I am never losing hope, you know how much I love you, and if today's not our day then it's not our day yet. See you soonest buddy!!!! I love you with all my heart. I lost the chance to meet her at the Secret Session but at least Taylor Alison Swift knows me and somehow that was everything. Love, Cristy/TaylorUnicorn13 Supposed to be one of the LA Reputation Secret Sessioners @taylorswift

[significanceofsongs]

Breathe - The Newsboys

This is the first in a series. Right now, the working title is: “The Potential Pitfalls of Evangelical Christianity - set to catchy tunes!” I’m not only going to write about Christian music, but nevertheless, it’s a topic that has been heavy on my mind as of late. This series will be a re-analysis of songs that I used to listen to when I was an Evangelical Christian - before I had a faith crisis and decided that it wasn’t for me. In my Evangelical bubble culture, I was always pushed to only listen to Christian music. In an ironic twist of fate, it was not so much sleazy classic rock that made Christianity ultimately seem unappealing to me, but Christian music itself. It’s not because the Christian music was “bad”; I still like some of the songs on this list from a musical standpoint. It’s because their lyrics stated - even celebrated - some of the contradictions and problems of the faith walk in such an unappealing way that I was forced to consider whether Evangelical Christianity was what I wanted to actually do. 

The irony is that - if my parents were concerned with me continuing in the faith - they should have discouraged me from listening to Christian rock. Forget Jimi Hendrix - we know heroin is bad. I can enjoy Purple Haze without feeling the pull of creeping nihilism. Christian Rock on the other hand...

So without further ado, here’s my first blog post about song meanings, ever.  Breathe - Newsboys This song is a jam, actually. Take something like the guitar solo from “We Will Rock You” by Queen and set it to a drum solo. Then add some pleasingly gruff/edgy male vocals that sort of sound like a cross between Crocodile Dundee and a more polished John Lennon. Polish it off with a memorable, catchy chorus. It’s actually pretty kick ass. Were it to have a broadly relate-able set of lyrics, it could be a hit on alternative rock radio in the mid nineties. Speaking of the Lyrics:

Verse 1:

Tuesday the third,

I'll call this entry "Mistake"

Cheap imitation

My life feels like a fake

A people person

Some days people annoy me

I'm growing edgy

Wednesday's title: "Avoid Me"

[Chorus]

Breathe on me

Breathe oh Breath of God

Breathe on me

'til my heart is new

Breathe on me

Breathe oh Breath of Life

Breathe on me

'til I love like You do

Verse 2:

Thursday, the fifth

I title "Drivers Beware"

Tempered-a-mental

And I don't really care

I gave 'til I bled

You laughed when I fainted

Don't want to live this life

Bitter and tainted

[Chorus]

As far as songs on this list go, this one seems pretty tame. Parents could play this for their kids and not worry too much that they'll get crazy ideas about God. Theologically speaking, it has more basis than a lot of the songs on the list. Most of them are absurd and this one deserves a bit more respect and consideration.

Part 1 - What it's about - The 30,000 foot view:

In Breathe, the lyricist for the the Newsboys is channeling the biblical author Paul when he exclaims in Romans 7:15-25

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a]

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it... 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

The verses of Breathe are a somewhat poetic reflection on this chapter, imbued with the author's personal struggles in the late 20th century as subject matter to make it relatable. The author sings about feeling like an imposter. He aspires to be a Christian and calls himself one, but it's hard to live up to those ideals when people are annoying, needy, callous, or bad at driving. Heck it's hard to live out the ideals of Christianity when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. According to the lyricist, the solution for this malaise is God's Holy Spirit breathing spiritual life into him. During the chorus, he condenses an interpretation of Roman's 8 into a couple of bars.

8 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e] his Spirit who lives in you.

12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

In other words, according to the Author (and Paul): We can never attain perfection on our own. We can only attain righteousness if we live according to "The Spirit" of Christ and have the Spirit of Christ within us.

In Breathe, the metaphor of the breath of the spirit imbuing life into a spiritually dead person is used to communicate the essence of verse 8 of Romans in a few simple lines. 

But the anxiety Paul and the Newsboys author feel is very real and palpable through these words. Paul is a bit more vague; "I don't want to do x, but I find myself doing x anyway." I think he's trying to leave it open to interpretation - "Whatever you think is wrong, but cant control". The Newsboys author is pretty personal about his pain points. They are:

1. Being around people too much and getting annoyed with them

2. Giving of himself and having it not appreciated

3. Road Rage

There are two possible scenarios here; 

In scenario #1 the author is pulling the ultimate Christian humblebrag flex on everyone. Some Christians are dealing with addictions, mental illness, etc. Some Christians are total jerks and are genuinely trying to be less of jerks. Some Christians are sex addicts. This guy though; sometimes he gets mad when he's driving around, sometimes people bug him, and sometimes he gives too much and people take advantage of him and it makes him bitter. He's pretty much a super Christian but he can always improve!

"Oh woe is me! I had a stray lustful thought about a Victoria's Secret lingerie model that I saw in a magazine stand on Thursday! I need the Big Man's help to not think these things anymore. Don't tell my wife." 

In scenario #2, we have a guy who is genuinely humble and sincerely thinks that being grumpy sometimes is really bad. He genuinely wants to get better at not being grumpy so he can love people better and be a better witness.

Paradoxically I think some Christians find themselves in both camps somehow. I know I felt both things pretty acutely at the same time when I was living that life. Being the #1 Christian and yet never good enough is a very stressful way to live. No wonder Christians write rock songs about it. It is emotional torture, and they have the blues about it. 

Part 2 - Fear

It's one thing if you're a recovering drug addict who is living paycheck to paycheck and compulsively shoplifts but is trying really hard to get your life together. Paul's words might be inspirational. You're not alone in trying to get your life together. God is with you and can help you learn prosocial skills and hone some coping mechanisms other than opioids. God can help heal whatever it is that drove you to drinking.

But if you pretty much have your life together and you're beating yourself up over being grumpy when someone treats you poorly... that becomes emotionally exhausting. Some people can live in that headspace 24/7, but I can't. It's horrible. Even if I did get occasionally get some sort of perverse satisfaction out of being pretty righteous and good, it was a momentary moment of grim satisfaction followed by a series of anxious thoughts; "all sin is the same in eyes of God, etc".

When I was a teenager and struggling with this problem, my mom told me that I had "Older Brother Syndrome". She was referring to the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son. Younger son demands his inheritance and goes on a bender. Younger son hits rock bottom and decides to come home. His father welcomes him back with open arms and a big celebration. But older brother is pissed. Older brother says "I've been here the whole time and doing the right thing. Where's my reward". Father says "I love you son and what's mine is yours, but I was really worried about your younger brother and I'm just really glad he's back." And later Jesus goes on to say that someone who is forgiven much loves much but someone who is forgiven little loves little. The implication being that I wasn't a piece of human garbage so I couldn't really appreciate what God did for me because God didn't have to do that much to get me straight.

My mom got it wrong. I wasn't anxious or mad that some "rough around the edges teenager" found their way to God and it was a big deal. I had a keen theological understanding of the importance of Jesus' death on the cross and also am sensitive and it sounds unimaginably horrible - so I was incredibly thankful that he died for my sin.

No, it's more like if the older brother is terrified that the dad is going to kick him out of the house if he doesn't achieve some sort of spiritual achievement that allows him to do some sort of spiritual combo move that makes it so he can get kicked in the nuts by a sociopath and just shrug it off like "whatever".

It's a big leap from being "healed of suffering through communion with the Spirit" to "somehow being totally impervious to pain, suffering, and grumpiness so that one can become a super Christian". How does the writer of Breathe get to that point? I get it if Paul was trying to stop the smack or cut back on the strange and he felt like he was in need of some divine intervention, but I suspect he was in the same place as the writer of Breathe; desperately wanting to become a  

S U P E R   C H R I S T I A N.

---

Did you know that Paul's letters were penned before the Gospels? According to the generally accepted scholarly consensus, Paul's letters were put out as recently as 15 years after the events described in the Gospels, whereas the Gospels were written anonymously, from 40-50 years after the events they described. NEVERTHELESS, I think that there probably was a collection of "sayings of Jesus" that were floating around before Paul wrote his gospel. In his writing in Romans 7-8, I think Paul is sorting and wrestling through a couple of Jesus' "hard sayings". 

For instance; Jesus told his followers that they must be more righteous than the most righteous and dedicated religious figures of the day in order to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Jesus also told a rich guy (who followed all of the Jewish laws) that he must give away all of his wealth in order to be saved.

(And this is key) Jesus told people that "Sure it says not to murder, but also it's a sin if you get mad. Sure it says not to cheat on your wife, but if you feel lust towards anyone else, that's also a sin."

So then who can be saved? And does this even make any sense? If we get mad at someone it's a sin? Who can ever not get mad sometimes? Let me tell you, if you repress your anger all of the time, you just get depressed and you're hard to be around anyway. If you repress your natural biological attraction to your preferred gender, you start to resent them for making you feel sinful thoughts. 

So it makes sense that the Newsboys are invoking the Holy Spirit to help them with their road rage and creeping lowkey misanthropy. They read where Jesus says that you have to be perfect to get into heaven - to feel no lust or anger ever. But they can't hit that target. No one can. But then Paul comes in and says, "Yeah no one can, BUT that's why we live according to the Holy Spirit. God will come in and heal our misanthropy and lust so we can become like Buddha supposedly was - unaffected by the BS of day-to-day life and able to accept kicks in the balls with ease and a smile and never check out the hot person walking down the street. Never.

I think Jesus was maybe trolling people like Paul and me and the Newsboys. I think he was trying to get us to snap out of it. But instead, like a Pokémon, we hurt ourselves in our confusion and anxiety; we doubled down and wrote Romans and Breathe begging God to make us ever more perfect. I think you can’t be perfect. Yeah, I mean, don’t be a psychopath that murders people or whatever. Generally try to be a decent human being. I just think that it’s impossible to be “ethically perfect” in this world, and I think Jesus was trying to say that ethical perfection is not the source of salvation. 

Part 3 - Burn Out

The sun releases a tremendous amount of energy into space every day. Without this kajillion gigawatt infusion of electromagnetic energy, life would not exist on this planet. We take the sun's energy and change it's form and re-purpose it for other things. We spend most of our lives processing the sun's energy. Think about it; when you eat a bell pepper, it was literally conjured from thin air, dirt, and sunlight through the process of photosynthesis. Then you take that energy and convert it to another kind of energy and then you produce some poop which fungus takes and processes into another form. We're basically spending our whole lives dealing with energy. Even when you're sitting there breathing you're just casually processing energy from the sun through various forms. The entire world is playing a game of hot potato trying to deal with the constant barrage of light and heat. Some modern scientists think that life was actually just solid matter's way of organizing itself to deal with electromagnetic energy. Without life, earth might look more like Venus - a twisted hellscape - because no one would be around to play hot potato with all of that light and heat.

The energetic forces that surround us can be gentle, like a warm spring day, or they can be wild and difficult to deal with - like a whitewater rapid.

S T O R Y   T I M E

Speaking of whitewater rapids; in my mid to late twenties and early thirties, I used to go whitewater rafting at Maupin every summer with some friends. We didn't have a ton of money, and my friend Brandon really loves rafting, so he organized the trip, rented out a raft, and took us all out on the water without a professional guide. Every year, we'd float down the river on our little self-guided tour - sometimes three or four times over the course of a weekend. Brandon started out as the guide, but he got tired of it and eventually let other people guide. At least once every weekend, I'd be the guide, so I got pretty good at it.

A few years after our first whitewater trip, our new friend Steve came along. Steve is a political libertarian and a bank manager so he has an enlightened leadership style involving autonomy and trust. His goal is to empower and equip his team to problem solve and work together. Contrast this with the normal leadership style on the Raft. In his turn leading, confident Brandon casually barked orders at the rafters and micromanaged every aspect of what was going on with the trip. On my turn guiding that year, I sat down and immediately growled "We're going to have some fun, so shut up and do what I say. And don't for the love of God, start paddling unless I say so ��� *five minutes into the trip* … Steve! Stop it!" So it's natural that Steve would get annoyed with this (not knowing anything about how to guide this particular crew on this particular river), and try to use his libertarian bank manager leadership style on the team. On his turn, he started out by saying "I'm not going to tell you what to do. I want you to look down the river, decide what needs to be done and just start doing it." It might work in certain situations, but it was a failure in this case. 

Without any strong direction as to what to do, the front half of the boat got smashed drunk and started yelling about their boobs or dicks (as applicable) for no reason. Nary an oar was seen touching the water, much less paddling. We haphazardly and slowly poked down the river, completely missing the rapids. Steve realized the error of his ways and started trying to give orders, but over half of the raft completely ignored him. We'd get caught in eddies and swirls and just sit there while Steve tried to figure out how to get people to paddle us out. I tried to help him yell at people, but he had totally lost the team at this point. They were out of control. My wife was terrified, since the raft was totally out of control. Meanwhile, I was jaded from years of rafting and wanted to hit the rapids as hard as possible. We missed the sweet spots every time. It was sort of the worst of both worlds. We were a crew of 9 people tasked with dealing with an extraordinary amount of force and energy - managing the sheer power and ferocity of the river. But without a strong hierarchy, we just kind of fell apart. Granted, we were never in any actual danger because we missed all of the rapids. It was a boring, annoying run. 

Contrast that with my gruff leadership style. Afterwards, people told me that it was one of the best runs they ever had. We worked together as a finetuned machine. The same was true of Brandon's casual, mature command of the situation.

Don't extrapolate anything crazy from this story. I'm not saying that we should devolve into political fascism or something. But what I am saying is that people form hierarchies and leadership structures in order to deal with problems. In our case, the river was the problem. We needed to figure out the best way to safely get from one end of the river to the next while having as much fun as possible. In our case, only one person needed to figure that out and everyone else needed to just go along for the ride, but there are many different styles of hierarchies that work in different situations - yes, including Steve's libertarian bank manager style.

On earth, Humans are the ultimate managers of energy and chaos. It's our #1 survival strategy. When our lives aren't on the line, we manage chaos for fun - jumping out of an airplane, organizing our room, or writing a song. But there is a lot of "not fun" chaos to manage in the world, and there are some humans who are dedicated to managing that chaos. I'm referring to Social Workers, Pastors, Counselors, Psychologists, Non-Profit Managers, Case Managers, Nurses, EMTs, Doctors, Surgeons, Crime Victim Advocates, Police Officers, Firefighters, Civil Engineers, etc. This class of people has many faces and functions, but they are all trying to do the same thing; keep the "raft" of society afloat. People voluntarily do this work - in most cases not because the rewards are great - but because they see the need and they feel like they are the people to fill the need. (Even being a doctor, YES you can make a lot of money. But there are easier and more effective ways to make a lot of money - ones that don't involve gross bodies. Jesus might have called these people "The Salt of the Earth".

The point is, that some people are hardwired to want to help others. I work at a non-profit that offers mental health counseling, and we recently hired a new counselor. I asked him why how he got into that line of work and his response was telling:

"I grew up on a reservation and saw all of the alcoholism and domestic violence and nasty stuff going on around me and I wondered: 'why do people do that stuff?'. So I went and talked to my school guidance counselor and they said 'oh, you should be a counselor'. So here I am". This sentiment is echoed by countless counselors and case managers all over the world. They want to help make the world less bad. From within them is a deep well of empathy and caring. 

And let's look at the motivations of the writer of the song Breathe. Why does he want the Holy Spirit to make him more ethically perfect and impervious to the humiliations and perils of modern life? So that he doesn't go to hell? It's maybe a bit of that, but even more so: It's so that he can love like God - so that he can be better at helping to heal the hurt and manage the chaos around him.

This is a beautiful sentiment actually. I may make fun of most of the songs on the list, but (despite some heavy flexing) this one is coming from a relatively pure place. In my twenties and reading up on various world religions, I was surprised to find that this sort of sentiment is echoed in some Eastern religions. Compare this line of thinking to the Tao Te Ching, chapter 2. 

http://www.with.org/tao_te_ching_en.pdf

As soon as beauty is known by the world as beautiful, it becomes ugly. As soon as virtue is being known as something good, it becomes evil. 

Therefore being and non-being give birth to each other. Difficult and easy accomplish each other. Long and short form each other. High and low distinguish each other. 

Sound and tone harmonize each other. 

Before and after follow each other as a sequence.

Realizing this, the saint performs effortlessly according to the natural Way without personal desire, and practices the wordless teaching thru one’s deeds. 

The saint inspires the vitality of all lives, without holding back. 

He nurtures all beings with no wish to take possession of. He devotes all his energy but has no intention to hold on to the merit. 

When success is achieved, he seeks no recognition. 

Because he does not claim for the credit, hence shall not lose it. 

And some of the best counselors and helpers I have come across have been atheists - willing to put themselves on the line and suffer to help others - to the point where they actually need to dial it back because they are getting burnt out.

So I struggle with these lyrics because they presuppose that if they roll high enough on prayer and spirituality that God will turn them into a superhuman of love - capable of "nurturing all beings". I question whether this is good for anyone. 

I read about one Christian woman that was actually murdered because she was actively practicing her faith. She was hanging out with homeless people at a soup kitchen and she met a charming homeless man there. She let him come back to her house so he would have a warm, safe, and dry place to live. I'm sure she was inspired by Jesus' teachings about "whatever you do unto the least of these, you do also unto me". What she didn't realize was that this guy was homeless because he was a psychopathic criminal who had been released from jail and no one would hire him. The dude murdered her in her own home.

Jesus says "Don't cast your pearls before swine". In other words, don't give until you bleed for people who take advantage of it and use you for your kindness. If I am driving a bus and it's lost control and I have to choose between the woman who invited the homeless murderer into her house, or the homeless murderer himself. I'm going to hit the homeless guy every time, and I hate to say it, but in spite of all of this talk about everyone being equal in the eyes of God, I'm doing the world a favor. Yes, it's important to love others and try to make the world a better place, but if we do it so much that we ourselves are suffering, we're actually increasing the total amount of suffering happening in the world and we're doing no one any favors. Keeping that nice lady around is actually increasing the amount of love and care in the world. As individuals, we're not responsible or capable of fixing every problem and there has to be consequences for being awful.

Part 4 - Oppression:

Part of the reason I stopped going to Church is that the evangelical church pushes the idea that being human and feeling human things is wrong. Our humanity is bad and sinful and we can never please God unless we go into a super spiritual mode wherein we transcend our humanity and become impervious to PATHETIC human frailties, like the feelings of anger and lust. I don’t think that’s what life is all about. The author of Breathe is judging his own human frailties to be wrong and sinful, when in reality, he’s probably just a guy trying his best - like most of us. Anger is just a feeling, sort of like getting burned. If you’re feeling angry, it’s often a warning sign - a warning that perhaps you are being mistreated or that things aren’t right. In this case, from my comfortable armchair-analysis-distance, it seems like this guy is getting burnt out. He needs to rest, not to unlock some spiritual achievement to become impervious to the stresses of modern life. Feeling anger is never wrong. It’s what you might do with it that could be wrong or not. That said, if you feel angry all of the time, that’s wearing and tiring. You need to address the root cause of all of that rage. 99.9% of the time, it’s not that you’re a crappy person - it’s that your needs aren’t being met. 

For instance, I used to obsess over stuff like this - asking myself “Am I a good enough Christian/person? Is my spiritual awareness on max? Are my emotions in check? Am I being a good enough light?” I spent countless hours praying and thinking about this sort of thing. But in the process, I totally missed my real problems. I spent so much energy dealing with a disapproving, barely tolerant vision of god, that I missed the areas in my life that actually really sucked and that I didn’t know how to deal with. The Church didn’t offer any help and actually encouraged a kind of thinking that made my problems worse. I was angry and often not very nice to be around because I wasn’t getting my needs met. I wasn’t meeting my needs because I was so focused on achieving the shallow, untenable status of “super Christian”, and not focused enough on meeting my own personal needs.

And this brings us around full circle to “Breathe”, which is the gruff, edgy anthem of that life. If you’re black, living in the South in the fifties or early sixties and you cant eat at the same restaurants as white people, and your friends are getting lynched, and Jim Crow laws prevent you from voting, you can easily channel that rage into a proper rock and roll song. Even if you don’t write a song about that particular topic, you are oppressed, and your act of making rock and roll is daring and powerful. It’s an affront to the oppression pervading your society.

If you’re a white kid living in New York in the early 1980s and you feel like your whole life is laid out for you and simultaneously you don’t have much in the way of career prospects because the economy is horrible, you can channel your anger into some decent hardcore punk. It’s an affront to the oppressive forces that are making your life hard. Maybe your life isn’t quite as hard as example number 1, but your anger is real, so. If you’re a Christian who wants to be a better person so much so that you feel stressed about it; if you are constantly judging yourself for not measuring up - even though you’re trying your best, then you can write a convincing rock song about it. I’m not sure which “man” you’re sticking it to though. Some Christians might piously reply that you’re sticking it to your sin nature. Your sin nature is the problem that makes you feel road rage so you have to fight the man. I’d flip the script a bit though. 

Perhaps your road rage is a natural response to situational factors beyond your control. The city council is dominated by corrupt officials that are paying incompetent construction companies to do shoddy work that always needs to be fixed which results in constant construction on the freeway. Perhaps your government is dominated by officials who do not want to pay funds for infrastructure and are refusing dedicate resources to widening the interstate freeway to make enough lanes to handle traffic. Perhaps your city government didn’t plan for a proper public transportation system as your city was mostly built during the automobile era, and now instead of fixing public transportation, they’re spending billions to gentrify neighborhoods so that rich people will move there so that they can have more tax revenue to build a bigger stadium. Now you have a one hour commute each way. How could you not be at least a little bit pissed about those things? 

Sure, a two hour daily commute is a soul-sucking waste of time, but the angst isn’t really about that for the writer of Breathe. He’s just angsty and judgy of himself for feeling road rage and, Idk - maybe honking a bit too long sometimes. Whereas the boot on Chuck Berry’s face was segregation, and the boot on Ian MacKaye’s face was “mainstream society”, the boot on your face is your own self-chosen religion - therefore, it’s your own boot. So really, what you’re writing a convincing rock song about is being oppressed by your own religion. In other words, Breathe helped me realize that I was being oppressed by my own religion - eg; by me - since I could choose to be a part of it or not. So, I guess...Thanks? Newsboys? The writer of Breathe thinks he’s extra righteous and holy since he feels angsty about his own “imperfections”. Some people are into that, I guess. Guilt is part of being a human being, but to me, life is hard enough without feeling extra guilty about everything. You already have to deal with traffic; but then to deal with the angst that you have around your anger at having to deal with traffic? This is absurd. Just take care of yourself and try to eliminate the problem of traffic from your life as much as you can. Be kind to yourself when you do feel anger. Otherwise, you’ll just feel madder and then you might actually do something bad. In summary, to the author I would say. “Bro. You are already almost maxing on love, and the next level is pretty unobtainable + it might not even be your job or a good idea. Maybe your problem is that you need to take some time for yourself sometimes so you are feeling recharged and ready to help when you're around people who are annoying and crappy. Perhaps you should try to get a job that's closer to home so you don't have to spend so much time in the car. It's better for the environment anyway. I know that’s is hard because housing in the city is expensive. So barring that, try meditation, so that you are more aware of and in control of your emotions. It's ok to feel mad sometimes, though bro. I don't think Jesus was seriously trying to say anyone can ever not be mad sometimes. If you really think he was, maybe go to a different church or something. Don't cast your pearls before swine. Set boundaries with the jerks in your life. Don't let them have power by virtue of being jerks who are willing to completely ignore the Gospels - or barring even that - a sense of common decency and respect. Go easier on yourself. It will be ok. If you do those things, you might have a bit more energy to spend on prayer and spirituality.

[nbndn]

bad feels

tw 

turns out i have an essay due in 10 hours that i might have been reminded of had i been able to go to class wednesday but i didnt bc depression and i sat aorund for 12 hours today trying to make headway on the 2 essay i have due next week and made NO progress on those only to find out that i should have been doing something else entirely!!!!!!!!!!1 and even if i focus as much as my shitty brain can, it will take me about 4 hours to complete this paper, ehich means in going to be up i,ll 5 am and im going to get 4 hours of sleep before i have to go to her shitty class and shes going to tell me that im lazy and disorganized and she already is mad at me for missing wednesday so i ccant ask for an extnension and this is a meaningless assignment anyway- its a refelcction on what ive learned in her class like!!!!!!!!!!! fuck off prof, i have more important shit dto do like NOT DIE. I am going to cscream, and when i drag my chronically ill ass to her class tomorrow if she even dares to comment on my absense i will punch her right in her face and just leave. like, no, i am not going to ‘get better’ and she only gives you special accomodations of you have a record set up with the disability resource enter here which SUCKSSS bc the DRC here will not help me bc i cant get a real diagnonsis beyond ‘sleep dosorder and epression’ bc my o cotr was a sham and my parents wont let me get more treatment and imm stuck and im mad and i want to cry bc i shouldnt have to tear my body apart in order to succeeed in college AND YET here i am, doing an essay at 2 AM knowing that i will be in pain all of tommorrow and passing out in her class and not being able to walk by 2 pm. FUCK HER FUCK THIS FUK ME im so ?!?!? 

[celestialallstars]

Episode #6: “Can i PLEASE get a blindside.” - Jared

ok so basically the game has been sooo quiet and ive like.  felt dead. idk. i had a breakdown last night bc of it and i cried on my couch (KNOW THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAN THIS LKSDJGKLDSGLS I WOULDNT CRY PURELY BC OF THAT) but yaaa and now im better but like the entire day i was throwing up in class (or like feeling anxious im exaggerating sorry) about going home.

i didnt want mo out but with that being said i didnt want anyone out?? after i mentioned to him that stephen/mo were targeting each other, rhys came to me with the idea that like him jared chloe and i should make a chat, and i was down for that bc it would secure my positioning and like ALSGKSDG who'd flip on an alliance THIS early.. right?? right..

chloe was really not talkative with me. stephen/jared were active so i appreciate that immensely. im just thrown off. i dont really know who i can or cant trust.

OK ALSO SIDE NOTE CHRIS SENT ME [IM NOT EXAGGERATING] 55+ MSGS SPILLING TEA ABOUT HOW THE TUATHA HAD AN OG ALLIANCE WITH EVERYONE BUT MITCH + MAYNOR - which i knew about but LASKGLDKS AHHHH. and he leaked that stephen wanted kori/bryce targeted and i leaked that to bryce to further stephens target. IM JUST SO MESSY LOL

also i kind of predicted a swap likeee omfg. and i dont know how i feel. i kind of felt safe on my tribe??? but like.. oh no. anyway, my tribe isnt super dominant in challenges or anything (compared 2 the other tribe who has bryce/stephen/drew), but i think we can win a lipsync since we have a woman, gay men, and a metrosexual male who has an outgoing personality (and i mean that in the nicest way obviously). IDK I HOPE WE WIN BC THAT TRIBAL WAS HORRIFIC AND I LOVE MO SO MUCH AND AHH.

ill probs give a video soon in more depth with what chris said. yalls deserve it.. oops period.

I HOPE YALL CAN FORGIVE ME. im eating hotdog. bye bye love u all.

Wow I like the whole tribe! Alyssa is probably my front runner of talking and honestly she's great! I am in her spell ahhhh but hey JARED is here too woo! I think at least with Mitch and Zach too I'll be safe but I'll see! This challenge could either go really well or really badly for us but I'm excited to do anything creativity!!

I absolutly love my tribe at the moment, i'm getting along well with alot of them except Kori who i haven't spoken to much at all but im confident in our abilities to win! Jared is talking a little bit about wanting the game to pick up a little bit and i agree to some extent however blindsiding someone just for the sake of a blindside isn't smart gameplay so im just gonna lay low nd continue making those strong bonds here there and everywhere to hopfully come out on top should we end up at tribal

Can i PLEASE get a blindside

________________________________________________________________

hi it's 6 am but rhys fucking filmed vertically so if we lose he automatically has my vote

I feel good but also scared. I dont think I'll do as good of a job as I hope, but it also is turning out decently so far. My biggest concern is time. With having work tomorrow, I can only do the editing on my lunch break of 90 minutes, then whenever i get home which probably wont be until 6, given the upload time that leaves me with about 3 hours in total. Hopefully I'll be able to work with Rhys and Jack's stuff, as i think it'll be easier for me to do it then. Regardless, I'm gonna be a zombie but LOL this is the second Wednesday in a row I stayed up late except this is not for school and instead of 3 hours, ima get 2 hours of sleep haha that is so sad and funny and heebee jeebee zoinks, alright goodnight

Two things: 1) there's really nothing quite like making a fool of yourself multiple times in a single org, just to be immune for one round. 2) i am horrible at looking for idols

So Matt just told me he thinks we’re gonna have a double tribal right before merge which is like ew I hate that throw it out please, speaking of throwing out uh Kori can go because he’s wearing on my nerves like yes we’re gonna get things done on time calm down please and thanks.

these people are actually delulu if they think that video is winning. no fucking way we are winning. time to go to tribal!

So the swap has happened, and I get what is almost probably my worst case scenario player-wise. All of my close allies, with the exception of Kori, are currently on Cyrena. Meaning that winning immunity isn't even really good, since it puts them in danger.

I think there's a way to make this bad situation good though. Getting to finally work with Michael, Matt, Loris, and Drew can actually be a blessing in disguise. If I get on their good sides now, they might clue me into their plans once merge rolls around. That's the hope, anyway. For now my goal is just to survive being swapped with a bunch of people I've barely spoke to!

The past 24 hours have been major toughie for me. Staying up late and then trying to manage editing a video, work, and time constraints, and I won't lie, its been exhausting, but I didn't want to let my tribe down, or anyone down I guess. A little ways through, I kinda felt pretty defeated and then learning at last minute it was due an hour before I predicted made me panic A LOT internally, but it does seem like the tribe likes it so if we do lose and if they do vote me out, I can look back at this and feel like I did something right.

Well a lots happened and to be honest at times life and this game move too quick for me to even remember if I've mentioned it. We swapped, and I'm trying to just keep myself afloat however I can.

The challenge was overly stressful and I have no idea if we'll pull it out. Editing has been so stressful and I've found new appreciation for the people that do it. I just hope whatever I whip together will just be enough so that I can breathe and really take stalk of my new situation.

So, I haven't been around a whole bunch recently. However I'm glad we didn't go to tribal, that could've been  a reason if my name came up. So I'm glad I have time to more cement my bonds on this tribe and keep my name out of peoples mouths.

We JUST WON IMMUNITY WOOHOO. I was kind of nervous with a music challenge considering the only other one I did previously I did not do the greatest in :P. Both videos were amazing and im so glad Eve and Jones's mom liked ours significantly greater than the other one! As far as my position is concerned, I am reunited with Jared and our relationship is still strong I think so that's good. Stephen I am HOPING will be ok by just latching on to Kori at least for premerge. Those two are still the ones I trust the most, but I also like Alyssa Chris and Zach. I WISH i could connect more with jack, but i feel like every time we play together it gets more difficult to hold a conversation, so that's a yikes. Jared myself and stephen are diligently working on the idol search, but it's likely already found. I'm pretty sure there are too many components for someone to just find it by themselves

WELL. Im a target tonight! God we really do love that for me. We really do. Kori, eat my fucking ass. You leave me on read all the time. And then you have the NERVE. THE ACTUAL NERVE. to be like "omg stop slipping in my dm's!" Boo if you didn't leave me on read constantly then maybe i would actually want to speak to you! an actual moron. And then STEPHEN HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY to me like "ya lol i'll be at tribal i'll make the decision between you and Kori at tribal!". BOI. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU GET TRUST IN SOMEONE. Its fucking ridiculous. Thank god Michael is in my corner, hopefully drew and bryce too. I am NOT getting 15th right now, no way. I am BETTER than this. i am going to make it work, tim gunn style. maybe its time to break the fajitas and channel their energy once again

Why do I go on the initiative literally ever? I'm clearly bad at it, I wasn't even remotely thinking things through and I SHOULD have let Stephen or someone else suggest someone but no I had to be mildly greedy and wanna send home Matt whom I barely DM.

I already flopped editing the video, and now here I am flopping the social/stategy game that I love playing supposedly.

Of course I tried reaching out to Michael and Drew FOOLISHLY because I wanted to build trust and maybe work with them. So naturally Michael tells Matt because ofc they'd be close as would Drew probably since he and Michael have been together since Day 1. As it stands I'm stuck praying Loris is gonna vote with me and it just sucks because I'm so bad at this game.

I'm trying to keep a cool head right now because there's still time. Stephen and I are trying to work logistics, see if we need to switch the vote to say Michael in case of an idol, but I'm not sure Loris/Bryce would be on board for that.

There's a pretty good chance that I'm definitely dead. But I'ma fight to the bitter end!

Today I learned from Stephen that Kori is in some dangerous water. He I guess said Matt's name to Michael who told Matt and now them and Drew are voting Kori. However Bryce and Stephen and perhaps Loris are all voting Matt. Now this is good if it works because honestly that group having to endure their numbers dwindling is good for my game. It only leaves Jack and Alyssa but I think we better be careful because I can see both of them slipping through the inevitable war zone that is gonna be happening.

Today's been a pretty informative day for me. After losing the immunity challenge by a hair, I was worried because I didn't think I had bonded very well with my current tribe through One World, luckily for me, that doesn't seem to be their biggest concern at the moment.

During the initial stages of the vote, I talked to Kori and the two of us decided Matt would be the easiest target to take out. I was leaning towards voting Matt because we hadn't talked very much, so hearing Kori was on board right away simplified things for sure. Bryce and Loris both seem to be on board with it too so I shouldn't have anything to worry about at this point.

In the morning, things got a whole lot more complicated. Matt found out he was the target through Michael, and began his campaign to get Kori out instead of himself. I'm not entirely sure why Michael decided to do this, but it doesn't make much of a difference at this point. Matt campaigned to me, and I sorta pretended to be on the fence. I was listening to what he said, but Kori is realistically one of my closest allies, there's no way I'm voting him out to side with people I had just met.

Once campaign season got under way, I had a conversation with Chris. Chris tells me that on original Orfeo, him, Loris, and Zach believed there was an alliance of Chloe/Sharky/Drew/Michael formed. This explains not only why Sharky was seen as an easy boot on swap-Tuatha, but also why Michael wants to keep Matt instead of Kori. With Chloe re-joining after tribal, him/Drew/Chloe/Matt would form a tight majority. Without Matt, they're a minority.

I proposed an idea to switch the vote from Matt to Michael or Drew. I said it was because I was worried about an idol, but this alliance is the real reason I wanted to do it. However, Kori, Loris, and Bryce are comfortable with the status quo and since it's not my neck on the line I didn't feel the need to push too hard.

Me, Kori, and Bryce now also have an alliance with Loris, which is cool? I haven't gotten very close with Loris yet but he seems like a smart player tied to Chris and Zach which spells good things for us working together in the future. Assuming I survive this vote and have a future, of course.

hi I think I might make it past final 15 that’s nice umm... I suggested an alliance of me Bryce Stephen Kori to counter the potential power of chloe Matt Michael and drew once chloe joins our tribe because my brain is massive. but now we’re like scared for idols . scary shih anyways like how r u I’m good.

________________________________________________________________

oh huh tribes r gonna be even again next round... so I have to make this conf by default just in case of a you know what wait no anna u said no more 24 hour challenges QUEEN ... thank god I can’t be bothered to delete this so she’s being SENT

Right now there's so many things running through my head with the introduction of Matts vote steal, because realistically i could convince him to give to me or i could keep him around as a potential shield. I don't want to do it to the guy but also a vote steal could shift the tides of the game in my favour later down the line. so it's a difficult decision and one id rather have more time to contemplate.

Wooo ok operation vote steal is a go and next round we’ll be swimming in green hopefully but with one world sis og tribe lines just ain’t it!

God im over this tribal. Like ugh these people really are under Kori's mist so like im probably going home. Do I think i might be able to survive? a small glimmer of hope says yes, but i'm not confident. God im just... so annoyed at this. Im clearly on the outs here and I just HOPE i can pull through i just am so scared. I know if i do leave though that I have fought my damn hardest to stay tonight. Im trying to think of the positives because its hard to do so because im being sad atm.. UGH. the fajitas really have failed me tonight, their light has dimmed and their guidance is no more. i am now with the darkness. we r one.

Oh my fucking god my heart is breaking. Matt is basically in such a deep hole he's going to go home, unless he plays an idol. And Alyssa has an idol. And she doesn't think it's smart to use it on him because Michael says he's just gonna go home next round. His social game hasn't been up to snuff and they're gonna boot him regardless, so she wants to keep us with power and let him go. And I agree with her. Which kills me. I'm usually able to just be a robot when it comes to this like yes I will make the smarter decision if it means I'll be emotionally torn, and this is such an instance. Luckily, it's not my idol to give up. Yes Alyssa says it's "our" idol but it's her call end of the day. I just... fuck. This is all stars man. And I'm actually starting to feel, for once.

Well it's about an hour before tribal and at least on it's surface it would seem Matt is going. I'm not confident though because any number of things COULD happen. I'm hoping there's no idol play, just because I feel like pre-merge just isn't a good look for me.

If Matt does pull something off, then kudos to him, and if it's me that'd make this my final confessional for the season. I've had such an amazing time playing and while I feel like I've been playing a lower key game on purpose I feel like I'm doing what I can to really come into my own. I hope the bonds I've made are gonna stick and that everything works out for us.

But if it doesn't I guess I'll have to find a way to be ok with that. This has been such a unique All-Stars experience so far, and I hope I can take what I've gotten from it and make myself better for it. (Also highkey hopefully this isn't my last confessional and I'm getting sentimental for no reason.)

________________________________________________________________

Kori is voted out 4-3.

[linagettingfit-blog]

Meal planning

So this isn’t my first time attempting to lose weight. When you grow up in a family of skinny minnies (and one aunt who’s sorta skinny but with a big ass) you tend to stick out as the fat one. I’ve always worn around a size 16 whether i was a child, teen, or adult and honestly the amount of soda i have drank in my life is absolutely horrifying, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear it’s been burning a hole in my stomach.  It never came easily for me. I had a lot of attempts at failures even as a little eight year old trying to exercise to my mom’s workout vhs tapes (Richard Simmons, some kinda country dance video...). I say trying because my older brother, who’s five years older than me, always seemed to find a way to discourage me from working out despite being my biggest critic or just flat out making fun of me since sometimes you look a little ridiculous working out when you cant keep up with everyone else.  I tried DDR when that was a craze. I tried getting into zumba when I worked at the YMCA (seriously the most wasted opportunity since the gym is very supportive of staff using lunch breaks or taking slightly longer breaks to fit in workouts. I was a custodian though and had no energy so I only got in workouts on very few occasions when I had days off). Ultimately it always ended in a failure with me crying into a pint of ice cream and punching my stomach in frustration (Not hard or anything).

So what changed? Well, I got engaged to an amazing guy. He’s supportive (if a little overly worried about my focus on my weight sometimes since he doesn’t like to see me discouraged), fairly active, and makes me feel beautiful even though I feel like an elephant sitting in too tiny of chairs and such.

We moved to Colorado from our home state and after a year of living here and meeting many active people around my community it just clicked one day that i need to change. Now. So that’s where today’s entry comes in. Now, mind you I’ve been on a successful diet for about a week and a half right now. But Sunday is what changed history for me. I discovered meal planning back in January on youtube and after a lot of looking around on pinterest i got hooked n the idea. So Saturday I went out, did all the grocery shopping, cleaned our kitchen that was long overdue a cleaning (Depression is a nasty bitch), and bought a bunch of pyrex containers so I could do meal planning. So what is meal planning? It’s when you cook all of your meals on one day, portion them out, and then you don’t have to worry about cooking all week. It’s also been amazing at keeping me and my husband (who has a huge fondness for junkfood like chips, always chips, and fast food) from binging on junk or ordering out.  Now it took me a bout 12 hours (breaks included since i sat on my ass stoned for a few hours at one point after we ate dinner) to do this but i’m sure I could shave it down a lot for next week. I made stuff for every meal. Breakfasts: I made little omelette bites, some blueberry muffins made from oats and greek yogurt with low sugar, and some fruit and yogurt parfaits Lunches: I made up four salad jars (You put the soggy stuff on the bottom with the dressing, crunchy stuff on top. Shake it and serve when you’re ready to eat it!) and have mostly been drinking protein shakes for this meal. My favourite is one I make with some chai tea.  Dinner: Monday: Meatballs with zuchinni spaghetti (Surprisingly refreshing but not quite the same. I can definitely stand eating them more than half the time we have spaghetti though. Carbs are my biggest problem along with sugar)

             Tuesday: Tofu stir fry (Made it by baking the tofu first so i just had to stir everything up basically) with cauliflower rice (I’m allergic to real rice. It makes it a little hard to swallow and sometimes I get violently ill. I’ll sneak bites once in awhile. I’m a sucker for sushi though) 

              Wednesday: Tonight is baked chicken, sweet potatoes, and quinoa. So easy.              Thursday: Mini meatloaves (cook em in a muffin tin and they cook faster than making a full sized meatloaf) with cauliflower mash (Nothing will ever be as good as mashed potatoes but this is a close second)

             Friday: Burrito bowls with quinoa (because I ran out of cauliflower) instead of rice, with chicken, corn salsa, lettuce, and we have dairy free (did I mention i’m also lactose intolerant?) sour cream and a cheese made from nuts for it as well, plus i’ll probably add avocado or make a quickie quac the day of. Saturday is going to just be eating any leftovers that we didn’t finish in the week (My hubby has been especially surprised by how satisfied all these meals have been so far) or perhaps using it as a “cheat” day and having a dairy free pizza for dinner or what i like to call “fend for yourself, husbando”

So yeah! So far it’s been helping me a lot. I don’t have a lot of cravings so far, i’ve been feeling pretty full (I actually wasn’t eating enough one day but the meal was so filling I didn’t even realize it), I’ve been happier, i’ve felt...clearer? It’s been nice. Plus my husbando, who has some pre-existing gastro-intestinal problems from birth, hasn’t had any stomach problems either which makes me happy. I did notice I need to balance out my meals a little better. What I mean is take today for instance. Even after eating breakfast, lunch and dinner, I still had 600 calories, needing at least 300 more before MFP (my fitness pal) would let me end the entry, all because dinner was surprisingly low in sugar and calories (The tofu!). So next week I’ll have to plan a heavier lunch than a salad for stir fry night but that’s been my only problem so far!  I’m going to make one more entry to talk a little about workout woes then i’m gonna go make my breakfast (a protein shake and maybe some yogurt) and probably go to bed.

[thisgirl-etc-blog]

Wednesday, February 15th, 2017

Im probably really pathetic. I've been with the same guy for about 5 years but yet i still can't find real happiness with him. Every day i think about leaving him, but then when im actually with him.. things can go either north or south with us in a matter of seconds. I blame myself. I have this most insecure self-esteem that i've cried myself almost every night since i could really rememeber. Years? Yes, years. Why? i dont want to feel like this anymore. i smile, i mean sometimes, but why wont it last? Because im pathetic. Nothing about my life is interesting. My daily day begins so early, i wake up, get ready for school, wait for my ride, go to work. Answer phones, scheduled, deal with people on daily basis. Shouldnt that help me be more interactual? After work, 5pm catch the train, go back home. Go to my room and i lay. I lay in bed for the rest of the night. I try to find a reason to go out or leave this house or atleast my room. But yet i still find myself in bed. Will this help me? Bloging away my feelings. Maybe. I need therapy. I need to express how i feel. It this feeling inside of me. I dont know how to describe it but ill try my best. This feeling, i feel my chest starts to tighten up, my breathing gets deeper and heavier. Theres this feeling in my stomach, like theres pressure on it but it doesnt hurt. I feel my whole body being pressed down on this bed. Something restricting me from moving even just an inch to the left. LIke theres no reason to but this pressure is keeping me down and still. My breathing gets heavier, my throat starts to dry up. Then just out of no where, tears start falling down my cheeks. Its like i cant control when this happens. I want to stop crying but my nose gets stuffier. My eyes start to swell up again. But this pressure, i feel it starts in my head pressing down into my body. The pressure builds as it gets down to my feet. I cant move my legs. It literally feels like someone is holding my legs down so i wont move or go somewhere. I staart to feel this tingly sensation on my hands. They want to stop moving. I cant lift my arms, my hands are in place. This pressure builds even more and more , i try to force myself out of but it seems i cant. I havent given up, i just dont have the energy to do it. My feet want to run, my legs want to move,my arms want to wail around, but i cant seem to get myself to do anything. Its this pressure. Doctors and psychologist would say its depression but its something else. I dont know what but im not depressed. Atleast i dont want to be. I dont want to be labeled as that, i want to be something else. People see you way differently once you're labeled with deprresion. What are you gonna do aboutt it?Prescribe anti-depresants. They dont work. They just make a person worse. If only i had support at all times. I need a friend that wouldn't judge. DON'T JUDGE ME! I just want to be heard. I want to do good in life but theres this pressure in me making me not succeed. HELP ME 2017