#(lol…i was kinda joking when i said i couldnt before but i guess it wasnt 100% oops~)

[sunlightfeeling]

psst

i had made a couple extras and could have been mean and snuck them into the compilation

but i didn’t because i luv all of you

anyway i kinda forgot they existed and it would a pity to let them go to waste soo~

to be honest tho…the first gif is probably one…soz~ 🤭 lmao

…this might also be one…

yeah yeah yeah i know the drill…

🏃🏻‍♀️✨✨✨🚓💨

The Many Facial Expressions of Kimura Takuya

Src ~ BUSAIKU!? 2014.7.27

[historixally-accurate]

falls through the ceiling and lands in your inbox...hey gold. thanks for the concern, i appreciate it </3 life unfortunately hasnt gotten easier lately, im still mad busy and slated to be even busier until like late november. god get me out of here i just want to draw minecraft men!!!!!!!!! [insert my school's name here] you are NOT skibidi for this. rolls comically into a table in my despair. hope you survived math tuition and it wasnt too bad. again i hope my little ezsay can make you smile :) lets get started !

i did see the fulham stream you were talking about, but i was busy and couldnt pop in T_T i would love to talk but im still relatively new to the mcsr fandom, and im really self conscious, haha. i agree with you, fulham's chat seems really nice! although i dont really have anything to compare it to, other than mr hax's chat...ive only recently started to talk outside of posting my art, and my twitch account is uh. a few days old. i was a youtube viewer before this, and i made a twitch account just to watch mr 21mustard u_u my friends joke about how im an old person because im borderline social media allergic. this is NOT TRUE. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE NO TIKTOK TWITTER OR INSTA INSTALLED DOESNT MEAN I AM GERIATRIC!!!! madge. the best thing thats come out of this is the joke that my favourite social media is google classroom. (it is not. i swear on my apple pencil its not.)

i agree that the change from the T score system to the A level system was a huge one and aftually i still dont know if i agree with that. ill send my best wishes to the next batch of juniors too. godspeed midgets😍

love that ur picking up slang from fein and fulham. i also believe theyre explodable. and may i also suggest "weird" as a replacement word. idk man... speaking of speech patterns beong affected, i think i can be deadpan sometimes. a result of watching too much content of my deadpan content creators, i guess. COUGH zylenox COUGH gamerboy80. 80 specifically, lol.

its so good to finally have someone to relate to about never being awake for content drops/streams. before this i was kinda resigned to forever being behind on infodrops. so when i was still in a largely western fandom i would just wake up every day, open up tumblr and quietly observe whatever shitshow had happened last night. mcsr gives me hope. it really does. im not joking when i say i was a grade A lurker >_> i didnt have a proper mutual until this year when i joined mcsr :)

god you mentioning your emerald design reminds me i DO STILL NEED TO GET TO KNOW EMERALD... i still know next to nothing about him help. dyou have any recommendations on where to start :D? AND I AM AN AVID FUNNY WATCHER AS WELL. im terminally down bad for alisster compliations and funny channels. using the word baby sensory is crazy😭😭its lowkey true though. personally a funny clip to me is from the vid "minecraft speedrunners with above average IQ". its the clip where anjou spills his yoghurt and screams in deapair. yes i know theres something wrong with me.

my mom gave up on saying gen alpha slang, but my dad uses it at all the wrong moments. nightmare flashback to when he said "sigma" in the larger family GC when wishing someone a happy birthday💀i nearly died of second hand embarrassemnt. HAPPY TO HEAR THAT OUR HUMOUR IS SIMILIAR!!! my humour is always described as degenerate by some of my friends jokingly. in my defense my sense of humour hasnt developed past p4 humour. skibidiest griddy is crazy btw i hope you know i broke out into the widest smile when i saw that.

about fein and mime, upon further reflection, theyre the same person in different flavours. okay but they both have the same snark even though they express it in different ways. maybe im not making sense here ill stop rambling. and i think your emerald design is really cool man. call you ramsey cause my man is COOKING STRAIGHT GAS💥💥💥LIGHT IT UP

finally another milk before cereal perosn😭😭😭i thought this day would never come. https://youtu.be/MyWGw1x26NU?si=lojmAq_b2NCMSNcB please watch this. literally all of hbg pours cereal first with the exception of my goat ninjabrain. i use my spoon to meaure the amount of milk to pour in the bowl every time (i pour till the level of milk reaches the spoon handle etc), so i just vary the amount of cereal i put in. people who get so heated up discussing these sorts of things are so funny. i love casually dropping my milk first fact into IRL conversations when i first meet people to see if i can get em riled up. its probably gives them a horrible impression. just wait until i reveal i can do a split with my stomach on the floor. freaky.

giving a whole gastronomic analysis of pineapple on pizza is absolutely Wild but go off king! when you say chips my brain goes to potato chips. do you actually mean you eat potato chips with tomato sauce...wtf. what taste buds.... but thats still not the worst ive heard, i guess??? the weirdest combination ive heard is ranch suace with WATERMELON. WATERMELON. LITERALLY WHAT IS THAT. whats the wierdest youve heard of??

food rewards in return for good grades wow. i dont think ive ever heard that one before. where do you find that shit in SG??? i swear no place serves that. unless im dumb help.

I SEE YOUVE ALSO WATCHED THE DRUNK SILVARRUNS FUNNY VID. tahts shit was so funny bro i swear its the goddamn drunk ahh finger waggle that gets me every time. and the insistent "redlime. REDLIME BAN __" . and the fact that fein literally had time to get elytra and loiter aroundthe end long enough to build an I heart U while silver was struggling drunk. then he proceeded to snatch the win from silver literally what is wrong with them.

you deserve all the compliments btw your mime art mever misses. i loved the latest talkingmime thumbnail art btw. thumbnail game banging.

have a gyattastic day and a rizzful night! dead tired but hey the grind never stops (i literally still have lessons tomorrow. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY SCHOOL.) hope youre alright :D

see you soon, sgmcsr anon

p.s. I RECENTLY SMASHED MY PB IN MINESWEEPER. i can now clear a medium in under a minute smile. next goal is a sub 50 u_u best of luck for your own speedrunning shenanigans :>

oh my god anon I'm so sorry I too have been so busy I just. haven't built the energy to respond 😭😭😭 IM SORRY but I'm on a bus to amath tuition so I have time <3

nonnie if you have time. you have to hop into the fulham stream.. it's awesome. tilted ranked queuing by yours truly (mr fulham) and so many nice chat members... I've never talked in hax or mustard chat ever... but I do miss hax hackingnoisess..... where is he. ALSO I WAS LIKE. YESTERDAY YEARS OLD WHEN I FOUND OUT HAX WAS FROM HONG KONG????? insane. I didn't know?!?! and MONGEY LIVES IN AUSTRALIA.. absolutely wild 😭 and fyroahs from Vietnam... the Asian mcsr community is GROWING. this is such a dub.

don't worry about not having social media because although I have Instagram, I don't have tiktok (thank god). YouTube shorts and Instagram reels have already cocked up my brain so. no more tiktok <3 I think it's walright to not have social medias, I deleted twitter 2 weeks back and I have never felt so much peace ever.. wonderful... no politics... wonderful mongey life..

I TRULY WISH THE P6s WHO GOT THEIR PSLE SCORES A VERY HAPPY GOOD LUCK AND IT ISNT THE END OF THE WORLD.. godspeed to all the brainrotted midgets... near, far and wide.... santa is calling for his elves..

apart from the stuff I've picked up from fein and fulham, I've picked up shit like "unlucky" or "insane" from desktopfolder and other mcsrs ^_^ "HOOOOOLLLYYY" from couriway, or "RIGHT..." from every other mcsr that streams. I'd say my personality is now just a mix of fruitberries and everything else. I don't know. please don't judge me... I watch fulham, mime, and mongey the most in terms of streams, but i dont think I've picked up anything from them :') also about the grade a lurker? most of my subjects before EOY were subpar. after finding mcsr I got 4/7 As for my subjects :3 mcsr saves lives on god

sadly emerald doesn't have any funny channels, he only has his twitch highlights </3 they're all equally as funny. gen alpha speech has RUINED ME.

(update it is 3 25 pm I got cooked)

continuing on, I cannot go one sentence without the word skibidi. feinberg as polluted my speech. help. svae me. I need to be. normal. I hope I am funny. I hope. I just hope. people say I'm funny but guys I don't know!

YOURE SO RIGHT ABOUT MIME AND FEIN BEING THE SAME PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT FONTS. I love them oh so dearly. I would die for the mime and fein duo. save me... save me..... I don't think my art is that good 😭 there's stuff I can definitely improve in, I don't know why people hype it up so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but thank you nonetheless <3

I watched that video. I am absolutely appalled that none of them put milk before cereal. EXCEPT MY GOAT MR NINJABRAIN. bless his soul 😭 for me, the amount of milk depends on the amount of cereal I put. so if I put half a bowl of cereal, I do a quarter bowl of milk so it soaks enough ^_^ it makes it taste nicer. I don't really gaf about how people eat their cereal, I just like the expression people make when I tell them I say one or the other way LMAOOOOOOOOO awesome. they are so shocked.

listen buddy I will defend pineapples on pizza with my LIFE. it's one of my favourite foods ever, I'm sorry Italians :') okay if I explain that ketchup and tomato chips are like chips with salsa would thst make it sound more appealing?? because that's the case for me 😭 I SWEAR I AM NOT THAT WEIRD PELASE.. ranch and watermelon is fucking RANCID what the hell. I don't like ranch unless it's the wingstop ranch, DONT MIX BOTH. THATS FUCKING REVOLTING.

idt there's any places in SG that do that, but some tuition centres give you free snacks sometimes (like mine) . yay. free snack.

THE SILVERR MODS FINGER WAGGLE AND SHOO SHOO AWAY ACTION IS HILARIOUS AND HAS BECOME A DAILY PRACTICE. I DO IT EVERY HOUR. IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. shoutout my AA goat feinberg aa minecraft for still oblitersting him despite getting the elytra and writing a whole ass message out of blocks for him 😭😭😭😭 drunkenruns my spirit animal.

THANK YOU... SHOUTOUT TALKINGMIMEFUNNY FOR COMMING ME.. I had fun. the video was so awesome. I'm happy people like the thumbnail as much as I do :'3 YEAH

anyway, that's enough gold yapping, have yet another mongeyful pyun pyun kawaii night or day ahead, I'm going to go grind out my feinberg cosplay lmao.

(ps THATS FUCKING SICK. good job anon... I want to really pick up minesweeper. so cool. so cool.)

obligatory mime doodle. doodle. doodle.

[nikrangdan]

lovestruck!enhypen x reader

pairing: lovestruck!enhypen x reader

genre: FLUFF fluff Fluff

description: how enhypen would be if they became lovestruck by the reader ☹️☹️ this is such an adorable request!!!! itll vary for each member ur relationships so you’ll either be strangers or already dating etc.

a/n: idk if all of them are lovestruck exactly bc i just got carried away with the fluff for some of them and idky maknae line revolves around sleeping BUT IDC sleepy!enhypen is the best 😁

———————

HEESEUNG

u worked at a pretty popular clothing store

and well well well heeseung had shown up dressed very much your style so u were like

Wow who is this guy....

he was alone just looking around

and there were like 10 other people in the store but u wanted to talk to him so bad so u went up like

“hi, welcome! are u finding everything okay?”

he was looking through a rack of shirts and turned around when he heard u but WOW

when this man turned around he looked even better in person u couldnt believe it 😫

BUT IT SEEMS HE FELT THE SAME BC U SWEAR HE BECAME SO FLUSTERED WHEN HE TURNED AROUND

his eyes got so wide u almost laughed it was so cute ☹️

he stuttered and was like “oh um im okay”

Aw man

but u said “okay then! let me know if you need any help finding anything or if u wanna use a dressing room!” and u sent him ur nicest smile u could give

his eyes were still kinda wide open and u gave him one last look before turning around😢😢

BUT THEN HE SAID SOMETHING

“w-wait! actually.. um....uh.. do u.. do u guys have sweatpants..?”

u giggled to urself on the inside bc u knew he just made that up on the spot

“we do! here, follow me”

while u were showing him the clothes u guys had exchanged names and had some small talk

and that was the start of something very Beautiful

and since then he has been coming almost everyday to visit u at work 🤗🤗

JAY

jay swore he found new things about u to love every single day

and today wasnt an exception!!!!

u knew jay had been really tired and just worn out from work recently so u had decided to make him his favorite meal for dinner

a nice little surprise for when he got home ❤️

and also the anime he was watching ready on the tv for u two to watch together :(

u had literally been preparing all day and u even decided to go out and buy dessert too

AWESOMEST PERSON EVER U ARE!

it was 8pm already and jay should be getting home now

u set the table all neatly and put on one of his sweaters

AND WOULD U LOOK AT THAT HE GOT HOME AS SOON AS U WERE DONE

Fate 🔥🔥

romantic stuff like this wasnt really ur forte so this was out of the normal for u

but u wanted to do something for jay because he did stuff like this for u alot

the table isnt in view when u walk into the apartment so he wasnt able to see his dinner yet

“hi” you smile brightly and go up to hug him and give him a little kiss

he had his bad slung over one of his shoulders and he was taking his shoes off in the doorway after he closed it

“hey.. it smells pretty good in here” he gave you a tired smile while one of his arms was wrapped around your waist

“really? it smells normal to me” you giggled before walking to the kitchen area together

he stopped and looked at u with LITERAL HEARTS IN HIS EYES when he saw the table

jay: ❤️_❤️

“y/n..”

“surprise!!! you know im not good with words but i wanted to show you that i can cook” you laugh “and that i love you very much and im so proud of you”

jay doesnt say anything but instead drops his bag on the couch and gives u the Biggest Hug Ever

ur face is practically smushed in his chest and his hand is resting lovingly on ur hair :(((

he loves u so much im so sad

JAKE

“layla!!! layla where are you?” jake was yelling quite loudly in the massive park he was in the middle of

yeah jake lost layla.. uh oh

quite a coincidence you found the cutest dog you’d ever laid eyes on

and she seemed to love u very much

the dog had made u topple over and now she was excitedly playing with you while you were sat on the ground laughing to your hearts content

after a minute of playing you had got up because you knew she was somebodys lost dog and her owner was probably looking all over the park for her

“okay.. lets go find your owner before they have a heart attack” you giggle

just as you said that though, you heard a boys voice yell “LAYLA!!!!”

the dog next to you looked in his direction, tail wagging and tongue out, but she didnt move an inch from her spot next to you

it made me you laugh out loud

as you were watching the boy run up to you, you noticed how cute he actually was

Omg..... ur heart started beating a little faster

“hi..” the boy hunched over with his hands on his knees breathing very heavily “you have my dog”

“uh yeah” you laugh “sorry about that, she ran over to me a couple minutes ago and i was just about to go find her owner”

“its okay, thank you..” he trailed off to find out your name and finally looked up to meet your eyes

“y/n” you told him

“y/n” he repeated with a small grin on his face “im jake”

“hi jake” you lightheartedly give him your hand to shake and he chuckles before taking the offer

“and it was nice meeting you layla” you crouch down to meet her level and she licks your face making you fall on your butt

you laugh and jakes quick to help you up

“layla! thats not very nice” he jokingly scolds her and pets her head

after u got up u bid goodbye to the two before jake invited u to continue walking around the park AND HE EVEN BOUGHT U AN ICE CREAM

Is This A Date, Jake? 😫😫❤️❤️❤️❤️😳😛😛

SUNGHOON

“you should be more careful” you scold the boy sitting with you standing between his legs

sunghoon had apparently gotten elbowed in the face by his friend and scratched by his friends cat on accident????

“it wasn’t my fault! he turned around and i just happened to be in the way. and i didnt even do anything to the cat!” he whined

“i didnt say it was your fault. i said to be more careful.” you tried to sound stern

u knew ur logic was making no sense but u just thought it was so fun to mess with him

he let out a sigh and gave up, slouching over again

you were stood between his legs, wiping the blood away and applying ointment

“im just kidding, you’re so cute” one of your free hands comes up to rub his hair

a small grin pops up on his face and his arms come to rest on your waist

he looks up at you while you focus on tending to his wounds

and u guessed it WITH LITERAL HEARTS IN HIS EYES

❤️_❤️

“you know y/n” he begins

you hum in response, letting him know you’re listening

“im gonna marry you one day”

you freeze in your place

it took you a minute to collect yourself because you felt like your heart almost leaped out of your chest

“who says?” you joke

he leans up to give you a quick kiss on the lips before sitting back down

“me.”

SUNOO

you noticed sunoo had been really tired lately and u just wanted to make him feel better :((

the boys were going out and invited you two obviously but you could tell sunoo was iffy about going

“uhh..” you trail off and look over at sunoo who was laying on the couch

“you know what guys? i think me and sunoo are gonna stay home today.. you guys have fun though!” you bid goodbye to the other boys and they all understood and left

you dont even know if sunoo knew they had left already because when you walked over to him his tired eyes were glued on the tv

“hey” you leaned against the couch and looked down at him

“y/n? are we going soon?” his eyes move to the top of his head to look up at you

you start laughing and he literally goes 🤨???

“silly, they already left! so what do you wanna do?” you plop down next to him and he was in the process of sitting up

“what? when did they leave...” his mouth drops open

“like 2 minutes ago” you giggle, leaning back to rest your head

sunoo had sat still, pondering for a moment

“why did they leave us?” he turned to look at you

your eyes met his “well i figured you didnt wanna go... you didnt, right?”

he slowly shakes his head “how did you know?”

you give him a sneaky smile and jokingly push his arm “because i know you so well”

he laughs at this and leans his head on your shoulder

“wow y/n.. im impressed” he grins, snuggling into your arm

your other arm crosses over to pat him on the head, leaning your head to rest on top of his

“but thank you y/n..” his eyes slowly close to rest “im thankful for all the little things you notice about me”

u literally go 🥺

your hand goes down to squeeze his and he falls asleep peacefully on ur shoulder ☹️☹️☹️❤️

JUNGWON

“y/n..what is that” jungwons eyes can barely open as he tries to comprehend whats going on while hes waking up

you haphazardly tap around the bedside table trying to turn off the new alarm you set last night

and that new alarm was jungwon singing 🤗

“its you, dummy” your eyes were still closed but you turned to face jungwon and snuggled closer to him

“wha- where did you even get that???” he was almost fully awake now, staring down at your half asleep figure

you yawned before answering in your i-just-woke-up-and-i-should-probably-drink-some-water voice “remember when you sang me to sleep last week? yeah i was secretly recording you. no biggie” you pat his chest twice and leave your hand there, content with life at the moment Lol

“y/nnnn” he whines “change ittt i dont like it”

“you’re kidding.” you deadpan, shocked he would say such a thing!!! “jungwon you sound like an angel threw up on a field of flowers full of puppies and kittens! okay thats kinda weird maybe not that”

jungwon giggles a little and sits up so he can sit against the headboard while your head rests on his lap

“you like my singing that much?” you can hear the smile in his voice as he asks you

you finally pop one eye open to look up at him, a goofy grin in your face

“i love your singing”

his hands run through your hair and you let out a sigh at the feeling

jungwon doesnt say anything

all he does is admire you

you can feel his eyes on you so you open your eyes again (both this time🙏🏼) and meet his eyes

“i can feel you staring straight into the depths of my soul, jungwon”

he laughs at this, bring his other hand up to pinch your cheek

“i’ll sing for you whenever you want me to y/n”

NI-KI

“shut up sunghoon, hes sleeping” you whisper-scolded the boy

ni-ki was currently asleep on you

literally SPRAWLED all over your body and you were basically mummified

by nishimura riki

his legs were tangled in yours, his head shoved into your neck, and his arms were bent around you in ways you didnt know were humanly possible

“you literally have an alien taking a nap on you y/n” sunghoon deadpans before walking out the room

“when you’re asleep sunghoon i will send you into a spacecraft for the rest of your life so you can go see aliens for yourself”

“wowww im so scared y/n” the boy remarks and shuts the door

you half laugh and half scoff before turning your attention back to the ipad screen sitting on the bed infront of you

well

kind of infront of you because ni-ki’s acrobatic position was basically blocking the view

you were having a decent time watching the show playing, definitely not the most comfortable person on the planet at the moment

until you felt the body on top of you.. rumble?

you knew that feeling

ni-ki was laughing

HOW and WHY the hell was he laughing ?!!?!!?!

“what the hell?” you look down at him and his face is shoved near your shoulder but you caught a glimpse of his big smile

his laughter gets louder and you still dont have answers yet

“why are you laughing???? i thought you were sleeping?????” you try to push him off you but he was persistent in laughing in your shoulder (??)

after a couple minutes of you just letting this happen

ni-ki finally speaks!

“you’re so funny y/n” he finally pulls away from you and wipes his tears

“what are you even talking about... and how long were you awake, you sneaky kid” you poke his chest

he leans down again to hug your waist and start cuddling you again

“10 minutes”

“so you’re telling me i could’ve freed myself from that god awful demon EMBRACE you had me in 10 minutes ago???!!”

ni-ki starts laughing again and looks up at you

“thank you for threatening to send sunghoon to aliens for me y/n” he grins

you laugh, finally understanding what the boy had been going on about

“sunghoon deserved it”

[shhh-no-ones-home]

liar, liar (1/2) bucky barnes x reader

+++++++++

part 1 part 2

(ft sam wilson)

backstory - she can see the future (or versions of it) through dreams and visions; she can see someone's past and memories by touching them; and she can stop peoples actions with her mind. sam introduced her to bucky without knowing about her powers and they started dating. (OC superhero name: Arcana)

song: bruised and bloodied by seether

ps this song slaps and so does the album and god i just really love seether. okay im done now lol

tag list: @cynic-spirit

+++++++++

when i woke up i sighed, feeling the bed next to me empty again. this was the third time this week that Bucky had woken up way before me and left before i even got to tell him good morning. it was starting to put a damper on my mood but i wasn't about to let him know that.

i shook my head, digging it deep into my pillow before sitting up and rubbing my face. when i opened my eyes back up they grew wider. Bucky was standing in the doorway with a half smile on his face and two mugs in his hands.

"hey."

he said quietly, not making a move yet.

"hey."

i said back, a little more chipper than i was expecting. i think the same went for him.

"coffee?"

i nodded, smiling back at him

"just the way you like it."

he said as he sat on the side of the bed in front of me.

"whats the special occasion?"

i asked before taking a sip, looking up at him over the top of the mug. he just shook his head.

"no special occasion."

i sent him a look as i lowered the mug.

"youre a terrible liar, you know that?"

he laughed a little bit.

"youd think id be better at it by now but i guess thats why they always kept my mouth shut."

i sent him a look.

"so?"

he huffed a breath deep out his nose.

"sam called."

i shook my head.

"no."

"come on y/n."

"buck you hate fighting-"

"and what would i do if he got hurt?!"

i sighed, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose.

"damn you for being so caring."

i said sternly and he cracked a half smile.

"damn you for sticking around."

he quipped back and i laughed.

"when does he need us?"

°°°°°°°°°

i looked over his face as he stared at the floor. his jaw tightened and i could tell he didn't want to do this. he had done enough already.

"hey,"

i said softly, touching his face and turning him to look at me. he looked sad. or maybe it was disappointment.

"you know you don't have to do this right?"

i asked and his face changed again. maybe it was regret. he tried to avoid my gaze again but i side stepped him.

"hey, look at me. you dont have to do this. youre getting better, you are a good man."

i reassured. he nodded slowly, glancing over my face.

"i should've listened to you this morning."

i snorted.

"ive been telling you for a while that you should listen to me more but some how we always end up here."

i joked and he sent me a look.

"you two ready?"

Sam asked as he came up behind us and Bucky nodded. i frowned but nodded too anyways.

"they're coming in on the southside, so be ready."

he said, looking between us. then there was a clattering above us, making the three of us look up. in came a few men, descending from the ceiling in full tactile gear.

"god damnit john."

i said annoyed, turning to see him coming through the door looking all high and mighty.

"i heard you could use some back up."

he said and i rolled my eyes. i could tell buck and sam were just as surprised and annoyed.

"why is it that we can never do anything without you showing up?"

i asked and a smug look crossed his face.

"we do this bigger and better than you. and you arent exactly discreet. metal arm, jet pack, spandex; kinda stands out in a crowd."

"dont forget i can see your future john."

i seethed and he laughed.

"right, Arcana, i almost forgot."

Bucky touched my hip lightly.

"easy. we've still got time."

i looked to him and bit my tongue.

"we dont need your help."

i assured but he just ignored me. then a loud bang sounded from the south side.

"shit."

i mumbled under my breath, taking off in that direction after sam and bucky.

"hey hey hey."

bucky said, pushing me behind him. i frowned and a vision hit me.

"get down!"

i yelled, grabbing him and sam to pull them back as another bomb went off. the three of us fell to the ground, looking up as johns team made their way outside.

"your killing your team john!"

i yelled as he passed us too. another loud sound went off but this time it was something different. i closed my eyes as bullets rang through the air. i could see all of it flashing through my mind. then i reached out and grabbed buckys arm. i had seen him run after them and get shot and there was no way i was letting that happen.

"y/n, theyre gonna die, we have to do something."

then i looked at him.

"you stay here."

i demanded, standing and walking outside. there were many soldiers on the ground already, the few that were left were pointing guns at the so-called attackers, john was holding a gun to the leader. i had seen this, neither of them was a winner. i closed my eyes again and breathed deeply, holding all of them still. a second thought and their guns were to the ground, fists at their sides. when i opened my eyes they were all looking around confused. then i heard a gunshot, looking around just as confused.

"y/n!"

i heard from behind me, buckys arms hitting my back as i slouched into him, watching john shoot the leader between the eyes.

"hey, listen, stay with me."

bucky bargained, sam running up and standing over him as helped me slowly to the ground.

"didnt see that one coming."

i groaned as he pressed his flesh hand into the hole in my side.

"youre gonna be okay, okay? just stay with me."

i nodded.

"im sorry. i thought i could help them."

i said a little breathy, tears visibly appearing behind his eyes as he picked me up. i hissed at the sudden movement.

"you did help them."

i held my side, trying to breathe deeply.

"get her out of here."

sam said. i could feel bucky beginning to run as i closed my eyes, feeling the rain hit my face as the thunder rolled.

"please dont leave me."

he whispered.

"im not going anywhere."

i managed, rolling my head against his chest. the next thing i knew i was being placed on a bed and there were doctors surrounding me.

°°°°°°°°°

when i woke up again there was a beeping running through my ears. i felt completely out of my mind as i blinked slowly. it was like visions were coming to me in fast moving pictures unlike anything ive ever experienced.

"bucky."

i whined, scared, as i rolled my head back and forth.

"im here."

he said through a sniffle, taking my hand in his. i squeezed my eyes shut tightly as i saw our first date play out behind my eyes. it made me smile, seeing him fumble through his words as sam laughed at him. i blinked again before looking over at him. he looked like he had been crying for a while and i couldnt help feeling guilty for making him feel that way.

"dont look at me like that."

he said.

"like what?"

i asked innocently as he wiped his face.

"like you pity me."

i squeezed his hand.

"i have never in my life pitied you James Buchanan Barnes, and i dont intend on starting any time soon."

i wheezed out, coughing at the end. he let out a shaky breath.

"then why does it feel like it."

he managed and i ran my thumb over his hand.

"im sorry."

i said and he looked at me confused.

"for what?"

i cleared my throat.

"for hurting you."

he shook his head quickly.

"this isnt your fault. you couldnt have known john was going to shoot you. if anything this is on him."

"ill be sure to bill him."

i said through a laugh before groaning and placing my hand over the wound. then there was  a knock at the door. it was sam.

"how are we doing in here?"

he asked lightly and i smiled at him, reaching out to him with the hand bucky wasnt holding.

"im all aces."

i said as he leaned down and hugged me as best as he could.

"im glad to see youre okay."

i nodded slowly.

"did you finish the mission?"

he hung his head low.

"the majority of the group got away. but we'll get em next time."

i sighed.

"dont do anything stupid without me."

i said with a wink and he laughed.

"its a little late for that id say."

he nodded towards me and i sent him a look.

"oh believe me, he shows up again ill give him something he wont forget."

"is that a promise?"

bucky piped up and i laughed, groaning after.

"you bet your ass it is."

[hugsfromdad]

Um... Well... THAT happened. holy shit. Let me tell you about my night. (Ya bisexual boi got his flirting mojo back but now idk what to do)

(This is a long story, but worth it. my theater crush comes in at the end fyi for those keeping up with me)

So, opening night of this play i've been working on just happened.

(Reminder: this is my first play ever)

And, it was beyond incredible. I had nothing to compare it to, but literally everyone was freaking out because of how good it apparently was.

....also apparently I was all everyone could talk about.

We had a theater critic there who was(is) gonna write us a review, and everyone was stressed about what he was gonna think (except me cause I had no idea if that was important. I guess it was)

WELL, I was pulled aside afterwards by both our director, and the mother of a cast member to tell me that not only did the critic love it, but he loved me. He said this was the best show he has ever seen at that theater...and he's directed shows there before! But I was being told that he loved me...so yeah, i really didn't know what to do with that but I guess it's really great

I have one of the 2 slow songs, and I have a riff near the end of mine. Well, I turned the riff into me holding a note for a long ass time. Like, the longest I've ever held a note. And then, to top it off, I hit a really high note at the very end.

Everyone fucking loved it. They positively freaked out and it was, again, so overwhelming. I didnt know what to do with it or how to react.

After the show, the cast and their families, friends, and as much of the audience who wanted, went to a restaurant/pub down the road that was staying open late soley for us. Dude, there was a big crowd.

I had been talking to my director with my mother right after the show and before we went over, and he could not shut up about people's reaction to me. It was overwhelming. He kept telling me about all these important people who had loved me and wanted to know about me and were freaking out when he told them it was my first show. A couple other cast memebers also came over and were talking with us and my mum and they kept complimenting and praising me and I genuinely didnt know what to do with it.

So we go to the pub and I start to like hang out and then--

Girls

talking to me.

People

wanting to hang with me and laughing at everything I had to say.

Backing up for a sec; at the absolute beginning of this whole play process at auditions, there was a cast member I noticed as very attractive and i had my eye on. She's probably older than my parents, but a ridiculously gorgeous woman, and high soprano.

Well, she was glued to me for some reason. After I walked in and had been there for a minute talking with my family, she comes over and we started talking. ....and kept talking. Like, this was the most i had ever talked with her this entire thing, and she was just sipping her single glass of wine and talking and laughing with me. I was genuinely confused as to whether she was just proud of me, her motherly instincts had kicked in, or if there was something else cause uh... I wish I could describe her eyes when she looked at me.

OH, also I should mention that when she decided to leave, she pulls me into this long, tight hug, and then fucking tucks her head in and kisses me quite gently on the cheek. I genuinely was stunned because we had maybe hugged like... once(?) before when she was nervous and cold.

Oh, and speaking of cold/clothes, i should mention that I was wearing... a really good outfit. I had planned it out so i would look really good cause I play a nerd in the show and i wanted to counteract that. Well, i did. I'll post a picture of it later if i remember. But specifically once I took my jacket off, my short sleeves were rolled up (queer eye would be proud) and all of my tattoos were showing.

And oh my god,

did people love them.

I had people touching my arms, asking what they meant, mentioning that they had been wondering about my tattoos all night cause they had seen a glimpse of them at the beginning of the show when i wore a t-shirt for like one song.

Dude, it was insane.

So there was this other girl who had some incredible silver shoes there and this chick was flirrrrting. She was(is) so fucking cool. Like, her makeup was WILD and jeffree star would have been proud-- like glitter eyeshadow type proud. And she was like talking and laughing with me, then hanging with her friends and playing shuffle board-- but coming back to me to tell me about it. It was kinda overwhelming. By the end of the night, she comes up to me and like asks for my info and like says she wants to be in a play with me and we should be friends and all that. She then texted me right after too 🙈

There was also the drummer's girlfriend who, holy fucking shit she absolutely is stunning and slays life and just.. I cant. She's so cool and gorgeous and confident and wow. And she and i wound up talking and laughing and joking for quite a bit as well. I sweear, i don't get how her eyes exist, cause she would look at me and it was like with beautifully cunning and see right through you type of look..and yet full of amusement. Like she was ready and waiting to enjoy what i had to say. Crazy. But she and I hung for quite awhile. She'll be here today at this performance too and she told me that she is expecting me to have a different meaning behind my tattoos when she asks about then tonight.

There were some more friends of our cast members who were like talking with me and touching my arms and grabbing my hand. one woman even fucking took my hand and kissed it. I swear. Woah. It was so overwhelming. Everyone was just telling me how blown away they were and that i have to have to have to keep acting. I guess word might have gotten out that i was unsure whether i wanted to do more acting or not... People were literally begging me to do another play. My director literally is begging me to do another one... Like begging. You shoulda seen his eyes.

OH. speaking of guys, there was this beautiful young man who came up to me and was like telling me how much he loved my performance and was just blown away. Well, apparently this kid is like super critical and very talented and trained with vocals and he could not get over me. He was(is) definitely not straight and i honestly was enjoying him way too much. My cast member who was still with me at that point said to me afterwards that praise from him is rare and really has weight. So, yay lol

(I will admit that as overwhelmed as I was with all of the praise, I was handling the flirting well. I will admit to that. My instincts kicked in and i was flirting and being smooth. I couldnt help it.)

AND. now, for my final person who I have been holding out talking about-- my gorgeous cast member who has the deep voice and cuddles me for part of the play...

Dear lord. Her eyes on me. I really wanted to stop breathing. At the end of the night she and our director, the drummers girlfriend, my friend Kai (holy shit he's beautiful and he came all this way just to see my performance and he met my dad and god I love him but that's another post) and my mum and I were all hanging out. At one point, I was looking at and talking to our director. And then, I felt her eyes on me. Like, she was standing right next to me, but i FELT her eyes on me.

And oh my god, like what the fucking hell, I snuck and glance and i wonder if it was the alcohol, but her eyes are like glowing and filled with like... I don't even know. Like the biggest joy and adoring look I've ever seen. I forced myself to not make eye contact anymore just because what I could see of here eyes out of the corner of mine was making me slightly dizzy.

She put arms around me multiple times that night and when it was time to leave, she comes over, gives me this look I cant quite make sense of, and then grabs my face and kisses my cheek. Like, just suddenly. In front of my mom. And it was like a kiss that threw me way off holy shit cause I've never really gotten cheek kisses from people. But wow. This was one.

I swear my head was spinning and I did not know what to do with it all. Not just her, but everyone else too. However, when I'm driving home and talking with my little brother (dear god he's amazing. It was 1am and he was just letting me have my night. I fucking am so grateful for him) I mentioned the people flirting with me and HE GOES "oh my gosh, especially [her name]."

I kind of try to not react, but he said it like mutliple times as we drove "oh she was flirting. How she was looking at you...oh yeah." And I kind of just silently died the entire time.

Okay. So that's it. My very bisexual adventure. It's been a long time since one of those have happened. Sorry for the long read, but i needed to get it all out somewhere. I have another performance tonight and then on Sunday. And then 3 next weekend. So, expect more to happen.

I have no fucking idea how this is all gonna wind up, but I did NOT and was NOT expecting or ready for last night. I really wasnt. I really didn't. I still cant believe it. Idk what I'm gonna do.

Dear god.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[woojinieemoved]

Friends to Lovers!Kim Donghyun

member: kim donghyun // mxm

genre: fluff

writing type: bulletpoint

word count: 1.4k

a/n: lol im either gonna edit a bunch of my writings or just copy and paste so sorry if some look nice and some look crusty // this one is rewritten btw!

my masterlist

so it all started when you had a project in your first year of middle school

it was kinda big for a middle school class so your teacher randomly assigned people

and wow what a coincidence you got the one and only kim donghyun!!

you had no idea who he was so you assumed he probably went to another elementary school

meeting him wasn’t too awkward?? he was super smiley and spoke kinda loud but somehow you found comfort in that

ofc since you were partners for a project, you went to meet up at the library to do research

but like that ended REEEAAAAL quickly bcuz yall are too loud lol

first of all you werent even completely focused bcuz donghyun kept making super bad jokes that were funny as a middle schooler 

you’d both be laughing so fuckin loud that the librarian would have to kick you out

well ok looks like you’re going to your house to do continue the research i guess

your parents were like “omg you brought a boy home is this your boyfriend” bcuz yeah boy + girl hanging out = dating according to everyone

you looked really disgusted and donghyun looked awkward 

yall basically just met so why would you even think about that!! plus you’re in middle school you don’t care about dating yet

“guys you havent even said hi to him but you already made him uncomfortable he’s just my partner for this project we have to do in class”

even tho he felt awkward, he still kept his happy, polite self and introduced himself to your parents

since it was probably a bad idea to go back to the library, donghyun would frequently come over to finish the project

your parents grew to like him more (and so did u ;) ) and him coming over would be normal now

even after you finished the project, you guys basically became super close and you would hang out alot outside of school

every year, the both of you would be praying that you’d be in the same class

if you werent, you’d be late to your classes bcuz you dont want to separate yet

until the bell rings again then you’re dashing your ass down the hall

now it wasnt until you got into highschool where people were more serious and fuckin drastic

being the major flower boy that he is, he snatched the hearts of so many girls in school 

this means a shit ton of chocolates on the day of valentines !!

for him atleast lol

you never complained about not being able to get chocolates because he always shared the chocolates he got with you 

but like you also knew that some girl would be brave enough to call him out to confess to him

you may have accidentally walked in on some of them mid-confession

slams door open

“donghyun where the hell are you we need to get the limited edition plush at the arcade and you know damn that’s gonna take fore- oh” 

oops awkward for all of you 

aaaaanndd since this is highschool some girls are petty as hell and will be like “i’ll do anything it takes to be with oppar11!!!1!1″

so you occasionally get bullied

frequently

woops they spilled juice on your notebook

woops they thought your textbook was trash

oh no where did your bag go- its outside?? and the window is open??

it took a while for donghyun to notice that you were getting bullied by his fangirls

ok in reality he only noticed because you started to distance yourself from him because of it

dh: y/n? where are you? i thought we were gonna go to the cafe

you:  oh right sorry i had to go to the library for hw

dh: library??? homework??? ok its super obvious thats a lie where are you

you: wow can i not be responsible without being suspicious im just trying to pass highschool

dh: :/

dh: i know you’ve been lying alot lately y/n whats going on

you: well idk if youre just blind or stupid but your dumb fangirls are getting in my way and its annoying having to deal with them

dh: fangirls? what have they been doing? why do you have to stop hanging out with me?

you: ok youre just dumb...  

dh: omg are you getting bullied

you: yes you idiot those fangirls of yours are brutal

dh: y/n..... im sorry.. i didn’t see that

you: yeah i know its been happening for months

dh: well i’ll treat you to food to make you feel better so hurry and get to the park

you: but im at home

dh: you live 3 minutes away from the park

you: im already in bed with snacks and netflix

dh: ok fine i’ll come over then

you: wait get ice cream before you come back

dh: yeah yeah ok 

you wait a good 8 minutes and hear your door slamming open, your bed bouncing from donghyun whale flopping onto it

“you got the ice cream?”

he holds up the bag and says “right here”

“ok good lets make a fort now”

“why?”

you stared at him blankly 

“perfect reason i’ll get the blankets”

he gets up and runs to the hallway closet, grabbing the extra blankets your family keeps

you get up to find as many extra pillows so that you can use it to support the fort

takes yall a good 25 min to do but its worth it

you snuggle up under the fort and start to eat your slightly melted ice cream

after like 3 movies, your eyes start to get heavy since you’re warm under the blankets and donghyun’s arms

donghyun was pretty immersed in the movie so he didnt see you slowly drift off to sleep 

it wasnt until he was going to make some sort of witty comment to you about what was happening in the current scene

your cheek was pressed against his chest and your arms balled up in front of you

he smiles to himself and grabs his phone next to him to snap some pics of your sleeping face

he figured he should just go to sleep too since you arent awake to make dumb comments about the movie anymore

he closes your laptop and gently holds you to place your head on the pillow and shimmies himself to lay down as well

boom now you’re both dead asleep and snuggly

ok fast forward in time 

its your senior year and yall r kinda burnt tf out bcuz of college applications and scholarships

but wow its valentines again!!!11!

you were prepared to see donghyun struggling to carry a ton of chocolates but instead you were greeted to him holding a bouquet of roses and a bucket of fried chicken

“did someone give you chicken for valentines? is that their way of not being like everyone else and giving you chocolates”

he lets out a nervous laugh and steps closer to you

“no, but its my way of not being like everyone else” 

he holds out the bouquet and chicken in front of you

you stare at him like ??? lol ok

“wow is this finally my own gift of appreciation this year”

“in some sort, yeah”

“awwww thanks best friendddddd” you lightly smacked his arm and took the things from his hands

before you could take the time to look at the roses, donghyun grabbed your wrists and looks at you dead straight in the eyes

your heart sped up but you tried to make a joke to make it look like you werent nervous

“what do you want me to share the chicken?” 

“y/n can i kiss you” 

“wait what-”

he just goes in and plants his lips on top of yours

not too roughly tho

it was like a soft pillow on your lips and you did not pull away or complain at all

you leaned forward a bit to deepen the kiss since you couldnt really grab him or anything

cuz yaknow

ya got chicken and a bouquet occupying your hands

donghyun got the hint and hesitantly placed his hands on your hips

eventually the both of you couldnt breath so you pulled away and stared at each other

“im sorr-”

“shut up you absolute dork i cant believe you kissed me first before even saying anything” you teased

he shoved his face into your shoulder out of embarrassment and laughed

but it was all a scheme

he used that chance to whisper right into your ear:

“i love you y/n”

now its you shoving your face into his chest from embarrassment

“i hate you so much kim donghyun,...” 

me too y/n, me too.....

[tumblunni]

AWW C’MON FFXIV

one of the biggest barriers to me getting back into it is just how SLOW the beginning is when you don’t have any friends to help you out like it legit took me a whole week of constant grinding just to reach level 15! FIFTEEN! IUts really fuckin slow even by usual mmo standards! and like.. all that slow is supplimented by huge amounts of quests and story and being required to do that main story in order to access goddamn ANYTHING, such as (for example) the additional hairstyle customization options you get at level 15 which I KINDA GRINDED SIX DAYS FOR, ONLY TO FIND OUT I NEEDED TO FINISH 8 MAIN STORYLINE QUESTS FIRST.

Like normally i would be HAPPY for an MMO that has loads of well made story scenes and ties progression more to quests than to grinding. But its just.. so unappealing to me?? Its That One Style Of Storytelling That Turns Me Off Immediately. I fuckin hate pretentious fairytale stylings. like not even when its told in the nostalgic writing style of a kids’s story or has a fairytale art aesthetic, those are some of my FAVOURITE THINGS. Nah when its the nostalgic writing style of fuckin specifically shakespeare and the only aesthetic is fuckin tolkein AGAIN. Like its really fuckin noticeable that the entire FF series has a bazillion original species in every other game but as soon as they made an mmo its Now Only Elves And Dwarves And Giants. And like.. the one anime addition of catgirls, and also making orcs/demons fuckin boring bishounen people with ‘all men are dragony and all women are 12 year old lolis with hair decorations’ as a fuckin species trait.o r I guess maybe the roegadyn are both orcs and giants combined and the au’ra got all of the leftover terrible traits..? And that’s 80 times more obnoxious when everyone talks like YE OLDE FUCKIN LITERATURE CLASSE AYE MY BOY YONDER DAWN DOTH BREAK OVER BIGASS FUCKOFF MOUNTAIN, HERE TAKE A STICK AND KILL 5 SLIMES like they literally fuckin sub ‘nightsoil’ for ‘shit’. this is an actual thing that someone thought would sound clever and fantasy-ish, instead of like an internet parody... And as far as I know the japanese version doesn’t even do this?? And neither did japanese FF12?? I FEEL SO LIED TO! Like these two worlds are still the most simultaneously cliche and overdeveloped ever, but i would at least enjoy my experience marginally more if the wall of text didnt stretch out every word to its maximum syllable potential..

BUT YKNOW DESPITE THAT DESPITE THAT BEING MY PROBLEM I AM NOW SAD AT FFXIV MAKING EXACTLY THE FIX FOR ME

They added a REALLY interesting and Dear God Relief feature where you can literally buy your way to the start of the latest expansion, story-wise. Which is a really great idea tbh, it kinda sucks to see ‘level requirement 80 must have beaten main story’ on this entire separate thing that you just bought. Kid me was dumb and didnt read all the conditions on old FFXI stuff... And I mean, anyone who complains about this being pay to win is being a dumbass, since all it does is promote you to the base level required for that storyline. Like the maximum here is level 60 with the equivelant job quests finished, so like.. there’s at least One Thing that makes you less than horribly underprepared compared to everyone else, but you’re still just a newbie wearing big boy pants. You can never pay to win for any level anywhere near the cap, it’s just pay to skip the more boring beginner sections. And probably get your ass kicked after cos all u hav is base equipment and none of the optional sidequets content or learned experience from the actual story...

BUT STILL I’M MAD BECAUSE there’s no way to do this without skipping the story!! your 60 levels of beginner quests are flagged as complete and you can never even see what you missed unless you watch someone else’s lets play i guess

and I know I just said that the story is really cumbersome and slow and badly written and cliche and i have no investment in anything but like that’s only 99% true, I actually WAS interested in the job training plotlines! a smaller self-contained sidequest with a cast of mentor npcs and story directly tied to your combat strength, rather than having to mop up loads of way underlevelled quests arbitrarily just to unlock the ability to actually exceed that level. gahhh Also i have a soft spot for the thieves guild- umm i mean the ‘seamstresses’ (or what was the actual joke about it? i think that was the discworld version XD) Mostly because they don’t talk like overly fancy pricks but also dont have too much of an over the top fakey oliver twist poor person voice. have I mentioned how its double annoying playing this game as a brit and hearing EVERYONE as some american guy doing the most stereotypical accent? Its a japanese game, why did you even do this!! srsly, this and ff12 have so many of the same dub fail. Oh, but also i like the thieves guild cos their plot is actually somewhat interesting, with the secrecy and stuff, instead of just I Am Mentor Man I Am Good At Job But Probably Tsundere Or Something For Six Hours. Also nice that there’s a full cast of this piratey crew and you get to interact with bossman’s admin guys sometimes, and get a general sense that he’s the comedic bumbler that’s only kept alive by their competance. (I call it.. the Plumeria Principle..)

Oh and lol also even if i could skip the story bits I hated, i probably wouldnt cos this thing is so fuckin Lore that i’d be completely lost... T_T But aaaa its tempting!! Cos I picked a bad starting town that had a plot and mentor npc that I didnt really care for, and now i really wanna switch to (weirdly enough) the one for gridania the land of the most boring elves and none of the job classes I want to use. She was just a really cool character! I can’t remember the pirate town equivelant tho, I just think that was my fave town aesthetic and fave jobs and stuff but the npcs were boring. I want elf mom!!! But seriously after fuckin SO MUCH WORK getting to level 20 before i decided i wanted to restart AAAA and then i wasted a bunch of my money on appearance change coupons to try and sate the restart temptation but then i realised No It Was Elf Mom I Miss so now i have a bunch of that cash shop content on that character and its impossible to transfer or somethin?? i couldnt even figure out how to send money between your own characters, which sucks cos some really nice guy gave me 30000 gold for no reason when i first started up the game and i legit DID NOT KNOW HOW TO USE CHAT YET so i was like running after him all WAAAAIT LET ME FIND THE KEYBOARD TO SAY THANKS xD But then i was just using that character to check out some of the other intro towns, it wasnt my main so i never used the money :(

so yeah anyway now I’m stuck here grumpy and debating whether i should buy this aaaaa and i cant even remember the name of the clearly-a-thief-but-dont-call-it-that class so i can pick the right thing to buy... And also i dont know if this only skips job training quests and not main story quests? or if there’s any way to recap main story quests at least? so it might not be as bad as I think. And maybe i could just pick whatever class I hate most to get all the exp in, and then i can have the level requirement to use my damn expansion but still go back and restart another job questline. and it’d probably be easier lol with all the boosts of having some other job high levelled! wonder if there’s a job with a terrible plotline that jus coincidentally lines up as a great thief supporter...?

[ffuuuuuuuck]

september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit. 

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head. 

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now. 

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends,  i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today. 

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares. 

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again. 

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother. 

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation. 

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too. 

[jungjayhoe-blog]

how i got to know bts !!

ok so i posted if anyone wanted to know how i got into bts and the shit that happened after that and some of yall dropped me an ask and said yes. so here this post is just gonna be all about how i got into them and stuffs feel free to read or skip bc this is basically just me telling a grandma story but i promise you good content (but dont get your hopes up lol) but i warn you this entire post is all around the place and a mess lmao

so i think i first got to know them like early last year bc i started to get into the anime fandom during that time and i made some fan accounts and shit. and then some accs had like korean guys as their dp and occationally had them on their posts and stuffs. i didnt know who they were. at all. no clue. just like, why do people like korean dudes what on earth. then like their captions on their post were sometimes like “hey if you guys like or listen to bts hmu” or something like that but i didnt really bother much about it

but then i think i really got to know about them around may or june last year bc one day my friend came to school and is all like “omg bts !!!” “omgomg bts is so good and cool i love them 1!11!!” “jungkook is my bias !!” and i heard their name around a few times before but once i noticed my friend likes bts i noticed that a lot of ppl in my school stanned them too (you could say that im a blur child whose unaware of her surrounding) then she got my other friend into bts somehow too. and idk why but i felt so annoyed?? like “who is this bts why does everyone know and like them” and i was so petty about it bc so many ppl were into them. so i said i didnt like kpop and bts???? idk why i even did that???? who was i??? i just didnt like them for no reason???? maybe it was bc theyre popular and everyone couldnt stop talking bout them?????? i think it was probably bc i didnt wanted to be mainstream and shit ha ha hA what was i doing.

ok so fast forward to a month ish later. i rmb i was just scrolling through youtube watching videos and then suddenly, a certain video titled ‘DOPE BTS’ was in my recommendations and i was like “h hEY isnt that the grp everyone’s so hyped about” so naturally i got curious and i clicked on it and wow ive been enlighten?? theyre so beautiful and they cant dance and the song is just ,,.,,.. dope. and then at the side of that mv was the ‘FIRE BTS’ mv so i also watched it and boiii was it lit af. literally those are the only two songs from bts that i listened bc i either refused or was lazy to watch and listen more and they were literally the only two kpop songs that i added in spotify and constantly listened to.

you can tell by the date i added that im not shitting you this is legit. ok moving on. so then i wanted to know who is who so i searched them up, took me awhile to know whos who bc im a stupid shit who literally got confused of taehyung and jungkook bc they ‘look the same’ . this is not the end tho, theres more to how i got into them, also not that quick. you know how once you start watching a vid youtube just start recommending you videos that are like related to the vid you first watch? so yea yt just started recommending me some bts vids but i wasnt interested in them bc i didnt wanted to get too into them as i didnt wanted to be ‘mainstream’ but then this particular vid caught my attention, it was the ‘bts getting kidnap’ vid from AHL. so i clicked on it and watched it then i got curious of the show and i wanted to watch more. so i watched a few episodes but then towards the middle of the show i got bored of it???? so i dropped it and i couldnt really get into bts at all so i stopped anything related to them. but i still listened to those two songs every now and then.

towards the end of the year, i was just scrolling through my explore page on my instagram when i saw like this korean dude pinning another guy against the wall? so i was like wow thats hot i need to find out what that is. so i scrolled through the comments and realized that it was a kdrama called ‘The Lover’ (if you watched it youre amazing ily) so i naturally wanted to watch that and i did. it was amazing. you could say the main reason i watched the drama was bc of the gay couple lol. so then i got to know that the japanese guy playing in the drama was in a kpop group called CROSS GENE (YALL BETTER CHECK THEM OUT AND STAN THEM THEYRE TALENTED AS FCUK AND DESERVE SO MUCH MORE STAN TALENT STAN CROSS GENE) so then i checked out a few of their songs and vids and interviews and i actually got so into them??? like wow i love them all so much my babies. and i was quick in learning their names too. so then i naturally drifted into the kpop fandom (im mostly on twitter for cross gene and then tumblr for bts dont ask me why) i was so into them and i loved them with all my hearteu.

ok moving on. again one day a certain bts mv titled ‘Blood Sweat and Tears’ was in my recommendation. i saw the thumbnail and was like wow they look hella cool so i clicked on it. lets just say ive been enlighten and blessed by that mv. like the mv and the costume and the acting and the song is just liT !! by that time i completely forgotten all their names lmao so i started to search about them too. i watched some vids of them (mostly cracks lmao) and i lowkey got into them. but then cross gene was my first priority then bts. i still didnt wanted ppl to know that i got into bts bc i was trynna keep it lowkey, but then a few of my friends knew i was into Cross Gene. i started to watch more and more bts vids and i actually fell in love with them.

but then the main main reason why i got into bts is pretty stupid i swear. ok so bc i was in the anime fandom before this (i still kinda am) i used ao3 to read fics. so i wanted to know if the bts tag had how many fics written and when i saw it i was like wow wtf bC THERE WERE LITERALLY SO MANY FICS??? so i clicked on it and i wanted to read some fics so i filtered it to ‘hits’ and clicked the fics which summary interested me. can yall guess which pairing i clicked on? if you guessed yoonmin yall are correct. so i read the fic and it was so well written?? and beautiful??? but bare in mind that i have never seen the pairing moments or anything bc i just got into them and didnt rlly search up yoonmin moments (same with taekook) or anything. but then most of the fics pairing i saw was those two and namjin so i was guessing theyre the main ships in the fandom. so from then on i started to read more fics?? but then didnt rlly search up for their moments?? so i basically read it bc it was well written and beautiful but not bc of truly liking the pairings????

then i told myself lol youre reading fics but you dont even know what they did to get ship. i went on tumblr to search more bc this is literally where i used to get my anime shit. so i searched up namjin and wow they actually looked like a married couple to me?? and then i immediately fell in love with them. next i searched up taekook and wow they look so cute tgt i rlly like them?? but then when i seached up yoonmin idk why but dont attack or hate me on this,,,..,, but i just,,, couldnt get into them?? ok but first i forgot to say that i had this friend, shes like the only one who knows i was lowkey into bts. one day she send me a pic of yoonmin and then a pic of viktuuri, it was basically a pic of them pressed close to each other like the anime. i was like aww thats so cute omg !!! it was actually really cute, but then idk i just,,, dont see it as a possible ship for me??? some reason i mostly saw them as brothers but then i still lowkey forced myself to ship them bc majority of the ppl in the fandom shipped them. but then i also read mostly yoonmin fic bc it was just so beautifully written fite me on this but its the truth, so you could say that i read them like a normal book, but not for the ship

but then i still search up for some yoonmin moments and this one video was during some photoshoot were sope was wearing their matching track suits and yoongi and hoseok was so hype with each other and i was like thats so adorable?? i wonder whats their ship???? do they even have a ship?????? but then bc it was a yoonmin video it showed how jimin was jealous and some shit like that but i found it cute?? like how a little brother is jealous that their older sibling is neglecting them?? dont attack me on this please i come in peace

then one, faithful day, idk how, but i think it was a post of someone saying that yoonmin was better that yoonseok (no h8 to that person tho) then i was like what is a yoonseok?? then i searched it up and bih you could say it was love at first sight??? i just love their dynamics and everything. so i searched up fics of them and i was greatly disappointed bc there wasnt many??? but then i stumbled upon the fic called On Patrol (this shit is gr8 yall hAvE to read this its so beautiful and amazing and funny and just wow) so i read it and boiiii do i love it so much. then i got introduced to jikook and love them a lot too. but then i also love taekook, then i got introduced to vmin too and i just love it?? basically i just love all the maknae line pairings i dont get how ppl could hate on one of them.

so i just started to search up a lot on yoonseok moments and fics and i just??? love seeing them together???? so then i just got so into them and they like,,,my ultimate pairing now lmao. then as i go on i got introduced to more rarepairings like taegi and jinmin and i just love them too??

ok so onto how hobi is my bias lol. so when i was lowkey into bts, my first bias was like jin. i just??? love him so much???? his dad jokes and personality and windshield wiper laugh was just like endearing to me???? thats when i decided that he was my bias. but then bc i was into yoonseok a lot i watched a lot of sope videos and thus more of hoseok and yoongi screentime. and i just fell in loveeeeeee with hoseok?? like he could be a ray of sunshine with rainbows one min and then be fcuking disrespectful while performing another minute later. so then you could say hobi just somehow worked his way up to be my bias (i still love jin tho dont get me wrong i love the entire bts) but then like, yoongis and jin are like always wrecking my bias list (also namjoon and the maknae line bC dAMN)

so yea this is basically it. i cant believe you manage to read through that entire mess wow heres a cookie for you !! sorry if you were expecting more and found this boring buttttt ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ravenspacemaker]

my coming out story (its kinda odd)

all inspired by the great @bugguhl

okay so just some background, me and my dad have a super strong relationship like hes probably one of my best friends and im his favorite child (its obvious). also im a girl (in case u didnt know).

basically ever since i was a little kid i loved boys. when i was like four i told a waiter at a restaurant that i thought he was handsome, and there were so many other stories my grandparents/parents have told me since i was little about my love for boys. elementary school was pretty ordinary. i was one of those 4th/5th grade hoes who was a serial dater and dated all the boys in the class. like obv those arent real relationships or anything, but i was boy crazy from a very young age.

after i finished elementary school, i started going to a private school for middle school, starting in 6th grade (mainly because my bff was going there but my parents liked that i was gonna be in an upscale and controlled environment or whatever idk). i continued my boy crazy ways in middle school but this is the first time i really remember being into girls. i was the new kid (the school went from pre-nursery which is like for 2 year olds up until 12th grade so many people have been there all their lives) so i was meeting everyone in my grade of like 25 kids for the first time. i was like entranced by these two girls who i’ll call catherine and jessica. they were just both so pretty and i was just in love with them. through my people-pleasing ways i managed to become really close friends with the two of them (again, the grade had 25 kids, so it wasnt hard making friends). nothing really ever happened with them, but this is when i started thinking it was possible i wasnt fully straight. also, around this time i discovered porn lol, and i started becoming fascinated with just girls. however, i still refused to admit i was anything but straight (this probably is because when i was a little kid we had a lesbian in my family but my family didnt know if id understand what that meant so they told me that it was normal for girls to be attracted to other girls soooo i think my young brain just couldnt comprehend that even more)

eventually at the end of 7th grade i started wanting to leave private school just because i missed all my old friends so i went back to my public school for 8th grade. early in 8th grade i started reconnecting with my old friends from elementary school, and at lunch i reconnected with this girl who ill call wanda (im trying to keep the names somewhat similar and she had a weird W name im sorry lmao). me and wanda ended up becoming super close, and she introduced me to her whole friend group. they were all super beautiful girls, kinda like those cliche gorgeous girls u see in movies. 

as we got older, our “clique” kinda got stronger and stronger, and when we got to high school we befriended two new girls who were equally gorgeous. me and wanda had become best friends at this point too. when i was in high school i guess u could say i was a party girl. my friend group partied a lot, but like mostly with other groups. and basically all of us had boyfriends a lot of the time, but i knew deep down that i was really attracted to wanda and i wished that i could date her. also, at this age i knew what bisexuality was and probably knew that was what i am, but it was like trendy to call the ugly girls lesbians with these girls i was friends with (ik its horrible), so i was scared to really say anything about it.

junior year i was dating this guy who we’ll call eric. i was kinda a terrible girlfriend, and eric ended up dumping me because of this. and so afterwards we went out to a party and me and wanda both got pretty fucked up. we went into some bedroom together and just started joking about how we were done with boys (her and her bf had recently split too) and she was like “lol what if i kissed u”. so basically we kissed, and then we both started doing that annoying drunk laughing about how we were “lesbians”. we did some other stuff too and that was that.

afterwards, we both knew we did stuff the night before and i think each of us were happy about it, but we thought the other would be ashamed so we were super awkward. eventually she just texted me and tried to be cool about it and joked around or whatever. but eventually we decided that there was actually something more to this and decided to go out on a “date”. as i was walking out the door that night my dad asked me where i was going so i told him i was going on a date, and he asked me what his name was, so i just said “her name”. he was a little shocked i could tell, but all he said was just “oh okay, have fun”. idk why i was so upfront like that cuz that really isnt like me at all, but im happy i was.

anyways so me and wanda like lowkey dated in the closet for a month, but it wasnt anything serious and i think both of us were kinda just hurting from getting dumped. we ended up deciding to just be friends but things were weird because we were the only ones who knew what had happened between us and everyone in school thought we were just bffs. i never actually came out publicly, in high school. during my senior year i found a new friend group and was open about being bisexual with them and it wasnt a big deal or anything, but i never publicized it to the whole school. when i went to college i started introducing myself openly as bisexual. i never really told my family about it but they all either know via my dad (hes a loudmouth) or have no reason to know until i begin a real relationship with a girl. 

honestly this story is pretty underwhelming now that ive written out the whole thing im so sorry for wasting ur time. also if ur wondering if ive ever been with girls after this, yes i have but i havent dated any (im willing if i find the right one though lmao).

[swampgallows]

pride month questionnaire just for my own reference

what is your sexuality? biromantic asexual

what do gender do you identify as? cis woman 

how long have you been aware of your sexuality/gender? around 16-17 i knew there was some shit wrong w me lmao, i had always just assumed i was straight but if we’re being real i knew from a pretty young age that i was broken and an alien. only ever had a few crushes [on guys] in my life but generally felt the same way about both men and women

do you have any preferences? big

share a positive memory about coming out! none

how do you feel about pride month? is good. isnt really “for me” but i will keep the glow i feel about it on the inside, like when i wear a favorite pair of underwear

do you participate in pride related events? any other events? no, though i was invited a few times it was by very sexual people who also drink alcohol so it wasnt really my kinda deal. much as i love sk i didnt really care for ladykiller’s sets

how do you feel about lgbtq roles in media? more, more written by lgbtqia people, less about dying and more about living ffs. let them be alive. let them be professional but also lgbtqia, let them be three-dimensional fully fleshed out characters who are also lgbtqia instead of being one-note cardboard cut-outs erected for Diversity

do you feel pride in who you are? not yet.

who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery? lmao

tell us about your first crush? despite kissing and being in a relationship with and having sex with a girl it didnt occur to me that i might be a lil gay until years later when i had a crush on undyne and she had a crush on a girl who became her girlfriend, and i was like “holy shit, you can do that? undyne likes girls? she likes a girl???? that means???? she could like me???? i could also.... like girls???? girls can be girlfriends???”

what sort of advice to have you lgbtq teens? i have no idea, im 27 and i still feel like a teen, do not ask me things 

have you come out to friends and family? sort of. i tried to tell my siblings and my sister said I just hadnt met the right person yet, to which i asked her “oh well youre bi too, you know, you just havent met the right woman yet” stupid fucking bitch. my brother was silent. so was my mother. my dad doesn’t know, i dont think. he asked me “what does this mean, ‘tracer is gay tracer is gay tracer is gay’?” but the conversation got derailed luckily before i could answer

how do you feel about the term “coming out” ? not really up to me i guess. i only use it because i dont really know another term for it

do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of? sort of, i guess. people dont fucking care about asexuality; they complain that “nobody cares that you’re not having sex, theres no need to talk about it” then when i say something like “well im not really a sexual person” or “i dont like sex” all of a sudden it’s “WHAT WHY ARENT YOU HAVING SEX??? WERE YOU RAPED? YOU SHOULD SEE A THERAPIST. HAVE YOU TRIED SEX TOYS?” - my doctor  So like yeah just saying the word “asexual” gets people really fucking riled up, i have to decide whether or not i want to engage in a fucking hour long debate and reveal my traumas and life story if i feel like even saying my orientation so w/e, that’s the closest kind of a closet i can have i guess. granted im not gonna be gunned down in the street for being asexual but i also dont like being incessantly interrogated and armchair pathologized either

any tips on coming out? no. i never really came out to my parents deliberately, my mom just snooped some shit on my facebook and cornered me w a question about it when i was stuck in the car with her

what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtq characterization in media? stop fucking killing them and making them the butt of jokes

what’s your favorite parts of lgbtq characterization in media? “well at least they’re there, i guess”; alternatively, when done well: “that me”

what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school? i have very little recollection. it was mostly about gay men, i dont recall anything on lesbians, and i remember like one time we had a transgender person (calling themselves transsexual, at the time) come and talk to us, but i didn’t even know it was a thing that could be done or even existed so i had no idea what to make of it. but i remember they were there and spoke to us, even now. i basically just remember it happening lol

do you practice safe sex with the same gender? we didnt use dental dams or whatever, and since we didnt use toys we didnt use condoms. i mean i guess it was pretty safe, we were both monogamous and unsexed to all fuck. we washed our hands i guess?

what’s an absolute turn off for you in the opposite/same gender? this is too weird of a question for me to answer. im pretty demi when it comes to romantic shit, i dont feel attraction to people at all really, though i have felt attraction to people i dont know it’s extremely few and far between. like this year i saw two (2) girls i found attractive, not in a sexual way but i thought they were iridescent beings comprised of pure light and couldnt take my eyes off of them. before that i cant even remember the last time somebody stopped me in my tracks or gave me butterflies. i dunno if i have any real active ‘turn-offs’ aside from basic shit (racism, sexism, general shittiness) other than like... sports, i guess. sports and drugs

what’s an absolute turn on for you in the opposite/same gender? big. soft, hug. hairy boys. hairy girls are fine too but it’s more prominently a thing in guys. cool teeth (if you have cool teeth i will remember you)

how do you feel about lgbtq clubs/apps/websites? not for me

how do you feel about the term “queer” ? use it if you like, but respect those that it hurts

how does your country view the lgbtq community? america a fuck

favorite lgbtq actor/actress? fuck dude i dont even have a favorite straight actor or actress

any tips for heterosexual and/or cisgender people on how to handle lgbtq events/news? 1. it’s not for you 2. be proud for them 3. LISTEN TO THEM. SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND JUST LISTEN

what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten? literally any time i tell a man im ace and he wants to fuck me, like, anything he says after that point is the worst thing

how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/gender im open to answering but i can only speak from my own individual experience, which is a disclaimer i try to give any time anybody asks me shit. im not the best representative for the bi or ace communities or anything lgbtqia in general. i dont like sex and i barely like people. leave me w my monsters

[shhh-no-ones-home]

skeleton key slash x reader

+++++++++ i wanted something cute and fluffy but ive been in a mood lately so here ya go lol, its kinda cute and fluffy but starts a little disconnected and stand-offish

i edited this but if i missed anything sorry lol

Song: ill always be around by waterparks

tag list: @cynic-spirit @satans-arse @slashscowboyboots @smokeandmirrorz +++++++++

i sat against the wall of the dressing room and swirled the unopened bottle of beer against the tile floor in front of me. it made a mesmerizing sound as the glass scraped against the linoleum. it was the only thing really keeping my attention. it had been a rough couple of days and i wanted nothing more than to feel normal again.

i watched slash slide down the wall out of my peripherals, hearing him sigh as he hit the floor with his full weight. we sat in silence until i broke my trance, opening the bottle finally, i just stared down into it. slash cleared his throat but i didnt look at him.

"You okay?"

He asked, nudging my arm with his elbow. I took a quick swig of my beer, making a sour face at the taste.

"As okay as I usually am."

I sighed out.

"So not very?"

He asked, sending me a look. I looked over at him and shrugged.

"I'm sure things could be better but I'm living life one day at a time."

He shook his head.

"That's no way to live."

i sighed again, taking another drink.

"is it ever?"

he hummed.

"well no, but whats been up lately? you haven't really seemed like yourself."

i took another swig.

"havent i?"

i asked, raising a brow quickly. he frowned at me.

"none of us think so. the rest of the guys have noticed it too. you arent the same as you were a week ago."

i sighed, dropping my head back into the wall and looking to the ceiling.

"im lost."

he looked a little confused.

"youre lost?"

i looked over at him, watching his hair as it fell into his face.

"i dont know, my mood just tanked all of a sudden. i have no drive, i dont want to do anything. the only reason im here is because i have to be."

he tried to examine my face but i was on the whole expressionless.

"you couldve stayed on the bus, not that it wouldve helped, but you couldve."

i let out a short laugh, bringing the beer bottle to my lips.

"i thought getting out wouldve made an impact, ya know, keep myself busy to forget about it."

He nodded.

"it didnt."

I said and he sighed out, pinching the bridge of his nose. i looked back ahead of me, staring at the wall. we sat in silence for a bit until he shot up, drawing my attention and looking at him like he was crazy. he offered his hand to me.

"come on."

he said, more chipper now. i raised a brow.

"what?"

he shook his hand, wanting me to take it.

"come on, get up. we're going on an adventure."

i drew my brows before reluctantly taking his hand, setting my beer on the ground where i was just sat.

"where are we going?"

i asked as he pulled me out of the room and into the hall.

"It a surprise, but you have to come along to find out, thats why its an adventure."

i followed closely behind him, still unsure about the situation he was dragging me into. he walked comfortably down the hallway, looking from room to room as we went. i just watched him, trying to figure out what he was really after as we moved further into the venue. he nodded to the venue workers as we passed them, his grip on my hand getting tighter, making it known to them that we were attached. he relented as he ducked under pipelines and around mic stands. suddenly i was forced into someone.

"hey! watch where youre going!"

i heard as i looked up with wide eyes. in front of me was a large bald man with a stern gaze and i suddenly realized i was no longer tethered to slash. i looked to my suddenly empty hand in panic before looking back up the man.

"whats your deal?"

he asked, harshly. i looked around but the curly mess of hair was nowhere to be found. i breathed deeply.

"do you speak or are you just here to get in the way?"

the man said a bit louder. i jumped.

"no, i, i, uh-"

i stuttered out. he looked like he was waiting for an answer.

"you just gonna stand there looking stupid with your hand in the air or are you gonna move out of my way?"

he grunted out. then my hand got snatched away from me and i looked to slash with relief.

"sorry dude, i guess i lost my girl."

he apologized, pulling me to him. the man watched us as slash led us away from the man.

"keep her on a leash or something! i dont have time for road blocks!"

he called after us. slash waved his hand in the air.

"will do man."

he said before looking at me like 'yeah right' and making me giggle. slash looked around before ducking into an empty room.

"dude i thought id lost you there for a second. i saw one of the crew and went to squeeze your hand and i realized youre hand wasnt in mine anymore."

he let out a nervous laugh.

"it looks like i found you just in time though cause that dude looked like he meant business."

i nodded in agreement.

"yeah that was kinda scary."

we both laughed a little at the situation.

"but i found this place."

he said excitedly. i looked around, it was dimly lit but the furniture looked much better than the dressing rooms we were in. part of me wondered if it had been an office at one point but was now a storage room. i looked up as the light flickered overhead.

"spooky."

i said happily, raising my brows at him.

"well, im glad you like it cause i set this up for us."

i drew my brows as he took my hand again and led me around the bulky couch in the middle of the room. my mouth dropped at the layout of food, wine, and candles on the floor; all of it arranged on top of a black blanket.

"where did you get all of this?"

i asked, a bit shell-shocked. he half smiled at me, rubbing his arm.

"Well, i noticed youve been down for a bit and wanted to do something nice. i also figured we had a decent amount of time before the show starts so i went out and got this stuff earlier with a little help from duff and he helped me set it up. all i had left to get was you."

i could feel tears stinging my eyes. no one had really ever done anything this nice for me before and it made my heart ping. He really new what to do to make me feel better, he always did. i sent him a smile before pulling him in for a hug. he held me tightly to him, burying his face into my neck.

"thank you, slash, it means a lot."

i whispered against him. he pulled away and helped me sit.

"i wasnt sure exactly what you would like but we asked the lady at the shop down the street what she would want and thats just kinda what we got."

he said bashfully. i leaned over and kissed his cheek quickly.

"its great. really. it is."

i reassured as he started pouring two glasses of wine. he cleared his throat as he handed me one of the glasses.

"i, uh, also had a question for you while we're here."

he looked down at the blanket, and i almost thought i saw a small blush on his face but it was hard to tell in the low light.

"ask away."

i said raising  the glass to him in cheers and taking a sip. i watched as he swirled the liquid around in his own glass.

"well, i was wondering, if maybe youd want to go on a date with me. like officially."

i smiled widely at him.

"id love that."

he gladly returned the smile.

"great! i mean i know weve kind of gone on a date before but it wasnt legit, and yes i kind of blame axl for ruining that one-"

i laughed a little bit, shaking my head.

"lets call it a trial run."

i said, making him laugh too.

"well then i already feel more comfortable."

he clinked his glass against mine in cheers.

"same here."

i took a sip before setting the glass down and resituating to sit with my legs crossed under me.

"now, lets see what that lady made you buy."

i joked, prompting him to move the little basket he had acquired closer to me.

"dont blame me if its terrible."

he said through a laugh. i sent him a warm smile.

"thanks for this slash, you really know how to make a girl feel better."

he nodded.

"no, i know how to make you feel better, and i wouldnt have it any other way."

it was my turn to blush, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks at his words.

"im glad you have the thing that opens the door to my emotions or else this tour would be much harder."

i noted, taking a small box out of the basket and setting it next to me. he snorted.

"like a skeleton key to your happy place."

he said. i nodded.

"exactly!"

he laughed a little bit before taking another sip of his wine.

"you have no idea how happy that makes me."

he said, leaning back in his spot. i leaned over, close to him.

"the feeling is mutual."

i said lowly, watching his eyes flicker to my lips.

"can i kiss you?"

he whispered out, looking back to my eyes. i nodded. his hand found its way to my face, caressing my cheek gently. like a slow motion film, he moved forward, it felt like every anticipation building inside me before our lips finally met. it was soft and warm and he tasted like the wine. when he pulled away i felt like my home had been ripped from me and i missed it immediately.

"cant wait for that date."

he laughed out and i couldnt help the amused look on my face.

"likewise."

[myboynagito]

trading is a Trade originated with human communication in prehistoric times. Trading was the main facility of prehistoric people, who bartered goods and services from each other before the innovation of modern-day currency. Peter Watson dates…

Joking anon please don’t go~ you are my first time after all I want it to be special.

Okay first thing first: while I’m really flattered you think I’m lining when I am not, I think its pretty stupid to do accusations without even verifying.

This was the reference i used. I wanted to be able to practice profile positions, so I admit I searched ‘’cute children profile anime’’ and found this one, which was adorable and made me feel like it’d look good with Chuuya. If you told me ‘’you should credit the artist’’, then yes i’d agree, i wasnt feeling 100% comfortable about it, but i searched the origin pretty much everywhere and couldnt find it, while still being happy with the final result of what i did. References are used often by every artists, to get better and understand proportions a bit more, so i didnt make a big deal of it. 

This is what it gives when I superpose the two, making the head approximatively the same size, and lining up the chins. Pretty different right?

It may not be 100% clear, so I took extra time for ya and made this too, to really show you the differences

 You can clearly see first that I struggle a lot with profiles rip my face is way more flat than the original one. After that, the arms are not the same length and not positioned the same at all. I did the butt nicky minaj style way too big, the legs are long and I made yaoi pretty big feet. 

This is called referencing: its something that me, and Alice (I don’t really see what she has to do with this but anyway) both agree on being helpful. I actually asked her first if this was too much like copying, since she knows more about what it is to get art stolen than I do, and she told me it was alright, so I went for it.

I even recommended it when a certain person has been called out for stealing art:

Second, I never, ever said that I thought this certain person traced, you can look in the historic all you want, and I always made a point to not take part in this. You are basically bashing me for with who I like to hang out with, which is kinda… meh.

Finally, I’m pretty sure to know who you are anon~. I won’t call you out, because I feel like it would be low. But let me tell you something real quick:

I can’t believe you are stabbing me in the back like this, when I still considered you a friend until now. I’m not 100% sure that you are this person, since I have another suspect in mind (you two are the only one still taking about this thing lol? Move on? Read a book? Practice your art so you get the attention you want? Don’t lose time on anon messaging) but I know that if you aren’t the one who wrote this, you probably supported it 100%.

A last screenshot for the peoples at the back

Guess I was wrong. It was nice to know you. i’d appreciate if you came to talk to me directly instead... its not too late though to speak up in a mature way.

[mjeoppa]

a story i told my friends

it’s long so. also contains malay words, if need translation dont use google, ask me. Quick summary: im actually happy (???questionable) but its all rather bittersweet

Maybe a quick intro to the characters of the drama

Me:awkward but living Raja: someone i kinda grew close through wanting to go to the same places together, a smart girl who's understanding and talks a lot, went to an agama school so she has that conservative part of her Afiq: a guy who lives in my neighborhood who's like probably the good samaritan of our malaysian organization, hobbies include playing video games, watching anime and cooking Hakim: afiq's housemate, doesnt really talk to people much but likes to get involved, hobbies include creating short films

So, i met all 3 separately; raja, since she's in my batch, earlier on, in fact she actually flew to michigan with me halfway, then we had different flights. Afiq i met when he came over to my house once, then later he came by bc my housemates said he could help me put my table together, and even then we were chatting comfortably. Hakim i met on a bus home after orientation, and i recognized him immediately; the guys from damansara i saw in the malaysian organization yearbook. But i didnt say anything bc how would i know he's malaysian lol

So after awhile i became friends w raja and afiq, progressing quite well in the friendship statuses, both of them having common interests w me. Then i found out that they were close w each other too. By the end of the semester, it was pretty obvious that afiq has a thing for raja, by the way he treats her.

Hakim on the other hand i kept having accidental meet ups w on the bus, n i could only officially say i know him after the first mso (malaysian student organization) meeting, but after that i didnt have a chance to say a thing to him. But after that meeting, i could also officially say that i have a crush on this guy. Afiq had talked about him, my friend's housemate talked about him, n from what i learned this guy has a weird charm where he does the most unexpected things, or maybe bc hes so quiet no one really knows what hes thinking

Im close to one of my housemates (who has graduated last semester), kak tipah whom i confessed i have a thing for hakim, and she told me that he has a girlfriend 🙃this was rather early in the semester, so i ended up shuffling crushes a lot throughout, but ofc hakim was still my first crush, also my first heartbreak in michigan

Another one of my housemates, kak su, recruited me to join her for her winter break trip, and when she asked whom i think would wanna join, i suggested raja. Another person who was already in on the plan w kak su was a guy named mirza. At this point i knew nothing about him. There was a phase where i would continuously confirm w my housemates whom mirza is through pictures until i could officially recognize him myself

It was thanksgiving, or maybe a few days before when mirza finally confirmed that the fifth and final member of our trip is hakim (jeng jeng jeng). I was happy, but i had to remain calm. He has a girlfriend, after all.

Okay so winter trip. That was so freaking fun. Funny thing is that we were 5 random people w different backgrounds, and yet we managed to make it work. It was awkward in the beginning, but later we learned how each other worked and after a few forum sessions we were more open w each other. Yes i did get to know hakim, but i also got to know so much more about raja, and mirza is a person that i didnt expect when i first came here to be someone that would be cool w being friends w me.

The ridiculous thing is that it was very early in the trip that we established that both kak su and hakim werent available. I didnt know when it started, but hakim started to talk more, and i liked that he didnt mind sitting around me, he was comfortable w stuff like giving me food he couldnt finish and asking what i wanted to order (dinner is usually the time we could talk, otherwise we'd be in the car and we cant really have a one on one conversation)

Raja on the other hand couldnt stop talking

She asked weird questions, and at first it was just to me, but later i fell asleep a lot so she started asking mirza, and so it became a thing that when theyre bored they would be listening to raja's epiphanies about life

Somewhere in between the first and second week of the trip i was texting afiq a lot n he said "aku susah nak rapat dengan perempuan" so to prove to him how bad i am at making friends w guys i told him that he's the closest guy friend i ever had, so ever since that i guess we had this agreement that we were somewhat close friends and we can kinda tell each other stuff

And believe me, i tell afiq stuff i dont even tell raja

So anyway at first i was kinda happy, and we had fun talking bout stuff, but later i saw that he was chatting w raja, so i felt a bit suckish bc he said he was bad at making friends w girls, so was he just saying it for the sake of it?

So there was a time where we were staying at separate houses, the girls and boys, so we decided to go out to eat, and there wasnt anything else to do in tulsa anyway, so we sat and ate and talked for 3 hours. So i asked mirza when did he finally recognized me as "elyna" and he said actually the first time he heard of me was from afiq who told him that i knew a bunch of animes, and yea actually this was before i told him hes my closest guy friend but i just realized that this was when hakim started to talk to me more than usual

Hmm there were times when he says stuff that i was thinking, n i think i say stuff that hes thinking as well bc when it happens he kinda glanced at me weirdly in the beginning, later when weve talked to each other more we finally say things like "hey i was about to say the same thing" or something like that. Example: we were eating at a thai restaurant n the menu was kinda simple, and i was thinking to myself "ape lagi. Pad thai jela." Then mirza asked hakim what he was gonna order, and he literally said the exact same thing i was thinking. Once mirza asked for an extra bowl of rice (also a thai restaurant, but this was a lot later) and he was saying "mahal doh, 2 ringgit" then hakim asked "brape?" "2 ringgit" then i glanced at him and he glanced at me and i said "murah gak tu. 2 ringgit kalau dollar 50cent." Then we laughed and he said he was about to say the same thing.

Theres this thing during dinners that he does, starting from this gyro place, where he would want me to sit somewhere near him, like either across or next to him, probably so that he can crack jokes w me, but after awhile we ran out of things to say. So sometimes we kinda order similar things just bc. Im not sure. Sometimes he follows my lead, sometimes i follow his, then when what i wanna order is too far from what he wants he just orders wtv he wants. I guess later he realizes that im really bad at first orders haha my food always turns out not that good a dish.

Okay so if i go on and on about the trip this story will never end. Basically we had fun, for a bunch of awkwardly matched 5-some. Raja really liked opening forums and asked weird questions and one of em was what were their first thoughts of us, and hakim said that i came to his house several times to play video games so he thought he'd have that to talk about w me. Raja, he said talked way too much for his liking in the beginning, he said he would like his peace lmao. Both of them knew kak su beforehand so they didnt really think of anything. Thing is, raja actually felt hurt at hakim's comment, even tho it was evident that even if he didnt like all her talking, he wouldnt actually stop her from talking. Except there was a time we wanted to play a game in the car n he said "jom main game senyap, siape paling lama diam die menang" n we all laughed n we asked whats the prize n he said that person can get to talk for an hour n kak su said lets let hakim win so that he has to talk for an hour. I take too much time explaining details ugh.

So for the next day after that confession by hakim raja didnt talk to hakim at all. She literally asked everyone what their glasses power were except hakim. I laughed at him quietly in sympathy. But later she was okay w him again. Just that whenever he talked to her she would complain to me.

She also complained that hakim took a long time to follow raja back on instagram but for me it was on the same night. I said it was bc i followed him when i saw that he was on ig, but she said she saw him going on ig after she requested to follow him but he hadnt approved.

Also both raja and kak su knows i like hakim since before the trip.

It was in new orleans that i really felt like he was making me expect too much from him. He wanted to buy a hot dog for himself, but kak su n raja were sharing, n i didnt want one whole hot dog, so he ended up sharing w me, n he even followed me to the counter when i ordered, n it really made me happy, my heart was bursting, thats the only way i can explain it.

So after that everything was rather mediocre. I theorized a pattern in his ig picture liking in which he would like pictures i post that did not include myself in it, except one. After we got home i kinda felt that feeling of "so thats it?"

But it wasnt. My housemates were saying i couldnt move on, but it really wasnt something to move on from. 3 weeks of just them gave me a lifetime of memories. So when I went out w raja on the sunday before classes start, i guess i shouldnt have been surprised whem raja confessed that she has a crush on mirza.

She went on and on about how they had been talking ever since the morning after we arrived home, and all i could talk about was how i felt like hakim treated me like something more than just another girl, n raja said she saw it too, n i couldnt hold on to those feelings bc he has a gf.

Talking about his gf, throwback to new orleans, second night, 1am. It was just me, mirza and raja, n before mirza had mentioned that hakim's gf went to mirza's mrsm before he got there, so he kinda knew who she was, n he told us that night that the girl's previous boyfriend wasnt like hakim at all, so he was surprised. So me n raja were making all kinds of conclusions. Maybe hakim came into the picture right after mimi, the gf just broke up w her prev bf so she was more accepting of him. Maybe mirza didnt really like the girl. Maybe the circumstances of their relationship is not as it appears, but theyve been together for 3 years, and for 2 of those years hakim was in the states n she's back home, so who r we to say if their relationship is good or not? Speculation wasnt even decent, but we speculated anyway.

But yea semester started n in the first week the only time i saw hakim was through a snap of him sleeping in between classes. Raja was moving into our apartment, bc 2 of my housemates were graduating, so she was taking over one of the leases. When hakim found out he was like "alaa nnti jumpa raja dalam bas." N raja was half kidding when she said "okay la kalau jumpa dalam bas aku tak tegur kau".

On that sunday afiq was being real weird. He's close to one of my housemates, one that i havent revealed until now, kak sj, n i dont know if it has anything to do w her graduating. she was the one who told me to ask him to help w the table n she invited him over several times to cook w her. But he was asking me if i had classes he could join in n in the first week, i saw him every week day. We talked a lot about mso n classes n common interests. One day i was saying youre old afiq, and you havent even confessed to ur crush, whatre u gonna do? Then he told me that hes actually confessed to her, a month ago. I was so surprised. I mean, if it really was a month ago, it had to be someone from my batch, probably, n it couldnt have been anyone but raja? But i didnt wanna assume, so i offered a trade - my crush for yours. So he told me about confessing to raja, n i told him about hakim.

That night we talked on the phone for almost 2 hours about feelings and shit. I was pretty dumbfounded. He confessed to raja before the trip, and she kept that from me all the while, i know its probably not my business, but i wonder if she thought it was better that i didnt know? Bc she tells me almost everything about her life, n i tell her almost everything about mine, so why this secret?

I couldnt keep all this to myself. The night before kak tipah's flight home, i told her everything. She said that she shipped mirza w raja, n me w afiq. I told her that me n afiq cant be more than friends, especially not now. And imagine, im actually one of the last ones to know about this confession. Both of them must know that i felt left out? Kak tipah asked, if afiq suddenly told me he likes me, what would i do? I said i probably wouldnt accept him, bc i feel like im just the second option. Then she asked, what if he confessed to me, not raja? Then i said i probably wouldnt accept him immediately, but eventually.

I also felt that afiq's confession was off in timing- it was way too early. We hadnt been here for even 6 months, we barely know everyone in mso, u really couldnt expect her to have accepted him immediately. But later afiq did say that he didnt expect anything from her, he just wanted to know that he likes her. One of the things that we mentioned during the 2 hour talk was what was his previous girlfriends like, n he said him n his friends concluded that there were 3 main components in the girls he liked; 1. Wears glasses 2. Is introverted and 3. Has common interests w him. I was being so slick at not pointing out that all these descriptions fit me, but instead i avoided it by comparing it to raja, n she only wears glasses at night, is extremely extroverted, n common interests w her is very general.

But yea, he dropped out of the classes he was planning to take w me, but we still talked a lot about stuff, n two wednesdays ago i went to his house for fun, n it was hakim's turn to cook, n i think that was the third time this semester i saw him, n he invited me to eat and said "makanla, aku masak untuk kau kot" n it was a happy moment, even if i knew he was just kidding. Later all his housemates left me n afiq to our geeking out session.

The first time i saw him in the semester was during an mso gathering. We didnt talk. The second time i saw him, i didnt actually see him, altho he probably saw me. Raja had been complaining about meeting hakim on buses n being awkward about it, so one day I was helping raja move her stuff, n we were carrying big plastic bags of pillows onto a bus. Raja mentioned beforehand that she hopes she doesnt see any malaysians, n especially not hakim. The bus we got on was rather crowded, so me n raja had to sit separately. I wanted to sit at the back, but it was too much effort to squeeze in, so i just sat somewhere in the middle. When we were almost home, raja kept giving me signals, but i didnt get it. As soon as we got off, raja went all "DAH CAKAP DAH. MULUT AKU NI MASIN SANGAT." So hakim was on that bus, n i didnt even notice him, even after all my previous efforts to get on a bus w him, when i finally did i didnt even see him. I probably did, but i didnt recognize it was him. Raja kept complaining about it but i was just frustrated, so she ended up pissing me off.

Okay so one day i told him that i had a theory for why he likes raja, a girl who doesnt fit the usual description, n it was bc he didnt want to get broken hearted by girls who are as such again, so he opted for someone who's different, bc srsly his exgf treats him like they never came around to broke his heart so thats mean, but it was also a hint i was giving that he should probably stick to being friends w me so that he wont get broken hearted again, but he was all "hahahah you just made my day" and it was bittersweet

This whole thing is bittersweet- liking hakim is, too. Bc i feel like he's someone who treats me better than he treats raja, n that feels so good, even if it sounds mean, but when was the last time i ever felt like i was someone who was preferred over another girl?

Back to the story, things kinda got lost in between my own life of working and classes and doing design stuff for mso n never doing what they want me to do, so when raja suggested we made a batch gathering in our new house, i thought it was an awesome idea bc i havent hung out w kids in my batch for awhile now, n after having a short lunch w one of em the other day i realized that theyve been spending their time living their lives awesomely as well, n i kinda wanna hear all about it.

So yeaa after many discussions on when we should do it n whos free when we finally decided to do it last friday night. Thing is, that morning was my first shift ever, so right after i had to go buy stuff to replenish the household resources. when i was on my bus home, i saw afiq somewhere near the bus driver. I waved at him, hating to sit in front bc those r usually reserved seats n i dont like hesitating to stand up to offer an older person the seat, so i went all the way to the back w my bags of groceries n there he was, abdul hakim bin zazli.

When he saw me he asked "pegi meijer ke?" And i said yea and our conversation stopped there. I was wearing earphones, but he wasnt, but he was looking at his phone. Afiq messaged me "have fun" n i hated him. After awhile i noticed he wasnt really on his phone, he was just bored n that was his escapade, as usual, a habit of his ive noticed since the trip. So I wanted to make conversation, but when i called out "kim" he wasnt responding so i looked away, but suddenly he turned to me but i was already looking somewhere else, so he didnt say anything. He didnt say bye, but after walking a bit i noticed afiq turning around n grinning at the bus. I still hate him.

So that night was pretty awesome. Even most of the guys came. All the girls came. It was tiring having to make sure there was always food for the guests n that they werent bored, but everyone was pretty chill n i loved it. My batch is pretty awesome. I think one of the best feelings after thinking that u suck at befriending guys is having guys laugh at your jokes. intec guys sucked. period.

Saturday night. I was supposed to be studying for a monday exam. Suddenly afiq asked if i wanted to play left4dead2, which is a game we casually play together w sal, a chill sarawak girl who i have a friend crush on (she loves video games too n owns a ps4). We also managed to get mirza to play w us. After losing one round too many times, mirza quit n the cpu sort of saved our ass. It was 2am n we were still talking while doing our own shit. I have a feeling us 3 would make a pretty awesome trio.

Anyway i ended up being the last one sleeping bc i was editing jongup's bday video, but they all said they'd wanna come over to the ceramics studio to play clay from my wheel throwing class. So the next morning i told them it was pretty empty, so sal came n made an awesome mug for a first timer. She had fun. Afiq had a meeting so we met up w him for pizza after, then he came back to the studio w me bc he wanted to play w clay too. He told me that hakim brought the car to campus, so if i still had a lot of work to do n would probably miss the last bus at 5.30 i could ask him. So i did. He said he was going back at 10, n afiq didnt wanna go back that late, so he ended up have someone pick him up at 7. At 9, hakim was in front of the art building.

I keep forgetting to tell u guys that raja has met hakim on buses several times but he wouldnt talk to her, or like, he ignored her, which was something he did even to me before the trip, which is why when he talked to me first on friday, it felt great really. But raja hated it. She questioned it - why does hakim talk to me but not her? Why is he the only person she knows who wouldnt talk to her? I guess what she hated was his ego, but it also made it sound like she wants everyone on earth to love her, n i couldnt really stand that. But i didnt say a thing.

So when he initiates conversation during that what felt so short trip home, i was happy. As i described it to raja, it was a give n take. He would ask a question then talk n I would ask a question then talk n we were still cracking jokes when we were at the front door of my apartment. Unlike afiq who likes long goodbye n attachment, hakim's goodbyes were short n sweet, n i wonder why he's so chill w me, n some parts of me says that he probably thinks i have something going on w afiq, n i kinda hate that.

-tbc-

[marthadanielle]

I just woke up a little while ago and im still reeling because i had a ton of dreams last night which is weird to me because i usually cant remember my dreams. I use to wake up and wait to remember what i was dreaming about but too many times ive had anxious dreams rather than cool and funny dreams so ive stopped caring to try and remember what i dreamed about but wow i actually recall having like six different drams last night. its probably because ive been sleep deprived from a crazy work week and most of my dreams have something to do with whats been worrying me this week or stuff i was watching on youtube before i went to sleep including one cool dan and phil dream.

lately my car has had a little warning light on my dash but ive been procrastinating on it mostly cause i didnt have time this week to go get it checked out but i had this dream that i regretted not fixing it because my car had gone out of control and i couldnt stop it because the breaks werent working but than the car started tilting upright on two wheels and spinning around like a carnival ride and i was panicking and then a car flew by me in slow motion that was also spinning weirdly and then i could see the people in the car and i knew it was a drinking and driving incident and they looked like they were about to crash and then i saw other cars out of control like mine and i felt better because it meant there was something wrong with the cars in the world and not just me. Then I saw my dad in the passenger side and asked him what to do as if he knew everything and had all the answers because he’s an Adult™ but instead he was giving me the silent treatment like my parents do sometimes when i ask them a question or advice about something and they stay mute and act like they didnt hear me or dont have an opinion which frustrates me to no end. 

I had a dream someone gifted it us a lioness as a pet. i just got a dog a few months ago and so i was trying to handle both of them and i was so worried they wouldnt get along and get into a fight but they were both either sleeping under my bed together or on top of it. i think i dreamed this because before i went to bed i took my dog outside to do her business and she got loose from her leash and was running back and forth in excitement and she wouldnt let me catch her. i was too tired to deal with it so i went inside and just waited for her to start crying at the door that she wanted to come inside but also worried she would want to stay outside.

Then i had a dream i saw my boss at the grocery store parking lot. this week shes been around more often at work and i feel like i always manage to look bad in front of her. She is a nice lady but a strict boss and sometimes im scared she doesnt like me. In my dream i was walking to my car and i was almost there when i saw her coming this way so i looked down and pretended not to see her and was rushing to get in the car and then she passed right by me near the drivers side without acknowledging me and i felt offended she didnt say hi even though i was the one making an effort to avoid the awkwardness of running into her at the store. then the funny part was pewdiepie was getting into his car right next to me and it was this bright pink car. Its cause my boss is from Sweden and sometimes when I see her I remember Felix Lol And for some reason i told him this and he made some joke i didnt get was a joke and i felt lame. 

The most impressive dream was the Dan and Phil one. I dreamed that I had stepped outside for some air during the night (which i never do?) but then i was scared to go back in the house because i thought i was going to cause a racket and wake everybody up so i went to the movies instead at midnight?? As if that makes any sense. So apparently Dan and Phil had been working on a secret project that they hadnt told us about, you know like they always do, and it turned out they made a film. I went to the midnight showing and it was like a really artsy film that was going over my head a bit but really good. I’ve mind must have been really exhausted because i was falling asleep in my own dream. I was watching the movie but i kept blacking out. Its likd my mind was too tired to create the dream and i didnt want it to end.The film was telling us what their aspirations were and how they were moving on to different things but at the same time it was autobiographical because they played out scenes from their time in school and university. It had an original soundtrack and i couldnt figure out what the music was like. It was soooo long i had checked the time and it was 4:33AM and it still wasnt close to being over lol at first i thought it was only gonna be about Phil because his part went own for a while and then it started Dan’s story and there was an actor playing a little Dan who I guess was rapping about his school days but it was a very soft rap?? It was kinda like a music video but really long and kinda mysterious. I think its because before i went to sleep and had been watching a lot of youtube videos till i got drowsy and one of the things i watched was a fine bros reaction video to Melanie Martinez who i heard about but didnt really care cause i thought she was only popular with middle and high school aged teens who like anything but the age group reacting to the video were college kids my age and they were saying how good her music is and the music video had pastel and doll house aesthetics which i liked and they said all the music videos continue a story and she has merch of a story book and i was sold so i was binge watching her music videos and im not sure if im a fan yet but i liked the sound of her music and i just realized the dan and phil film was similar to how she was telling a story about herself and the style of music was the same so i guess thats were my brain was getting ideas from but i loved it either way