#(last night/today was the first time in a while I have properly felt the drive to have a little fun. I'm sorry that didn't mean your reply)

[puppyluvfics]

A Hard Day's Night | XH OT6 Reaction

OT6 | non idol!au (kinda? nothing is implied either way) WC: 3.5k (500-600 per member) Genre: FLUFF Summary: OT6 reactions to you coming home crying Warnings: none I think? light angst but nothing bad... lmk if I missed something! partially proofread! A/N: this made me so soft... wahh :<< thank u anonie for the req!

GUNIL 

It had been a long day, to put it nicely. You had held it in as much as you could, with small sniffles occasionally leaving you on the drive home, which you could easily pass off as allergies. Still, as you pushed your keys into the knob, you felt your chest tighten with that all-too-familiar feeling. You cleared your throat, trying to push away the feeling, pushing the door open.

“I’m home…” You called out, your voice a bit hoarse and raw. 

“Hey babe!” Gunil called back, his voice coming from the kitchen. You took a deep, shaky breath, shutting the door behind you, taking your shoes off, padding softly into the living room, sitting on the couch, and putting your head in your hands. You heard his footsteps get a bit closer, a small kiss being pressed on the top of your head as he made his way around to sit next to you.

“Woah, hey, you okay?” He asked, sitting down next to you, his hand finding its way to your knee. You nod your head, yes, but that doesn’t stop the tears from falling and the sniffles from leaving your nose.

“You don’t sound very okay... What’s going on?” He said, rubbing your knee softly. 

"Nothing,” you said, trying to push it down, but he could see right through you. 

“Hey, look at me.” He said, tenderly, letting you take your time lifting your head. His heart ached when he saw the tears running down your cheeks, and he reached out, cupping your face with his hands. “Hey, there you are. What’s going on, pretty baby?” He asked, rubbing your cheeks with his thumbs, wiping away your tears. His voice was soft, warm, and quiet. You shook your head softly, with more tears falling down your cheeks. 

“Long day?” He asked, letting you go through the motions while still trying to assess the situation. You nodded as he wiped a few more tears from your cheek. “Oh, my poor baby. Come here.” He said, pulling you into his chest, leaning back on the couch, shifting so you were lying between his legs. Your arms wrapped around his waist, and his found their way around your shoulders, letting you get it out, his hands occasionally rubbing your back or toying with your hair. After a while, when your soft sobs subsided and you were left with shaky but steady breaths, he patted your back softly. 

“Better?” His voice was still warm and soft, soothing your internal turmoil. You nodded, meaning it a little more than the first time he asked. He smiled softly, coaxing you to look up at him by putting his fingers under your chin. “How are you still so beautiful?” he asked, a small chuckle filling the otherwise silent room. You rolled your eyes playfully, adjusting your body so you could look at him properly. 

“You’re the beautiful one, you know. Taking care of me like this...” You said, your eyes meeting his with nothing but love and admiration for him.

“Loving you is easier than breathing, sunshine. We can both be beautiful.” He said, his hand petting your hair softly. You smiled at the contact and his words, too exhausted from the day to fight back in your usual playful manner. 

“Come on, let’s go be beautiful together and get you something to eat and get you some water.” He said, before pulling you into a small, tender kiss.

JUNGSU

You didn’t mean to slam the door when you got home, honestly. Jungsu was in your shared bedroom, working on something on the computer, and if it hadn’t been for the reverb of the slam against the wall, he wouldn’t have even noticed you were home. Curiously, he took his headphones off and walked out to the living room, where frustrated tears streamed down your cheeks. The last thing you needed after today was the laces of your shoes to be knotted, yet here you were, trying to force them apart.

Without saying anything, he approached you softly, letting you know of his presence with a bit more weight, not wanting to scare you or make anything worse. 

“Do you need help?” He asked softly, squatting next to you, noticing the hot tears streaking down your cheeks. Everything in you wanted to say no; you wanted to be independent and have control of the situation. But even you knew when to give up. And so you nodded softly, letting yourself softly fall onto your butt onto the floor. He followed suit, sitting next to you.

“Can I?” He asked, not wanting to overstep. You nodded with a heavy sigh. He nodded back in acknowledgment, his fingers slowly and easily undoing the knot in your shoelaces, pulling your shoes off and putting them by the door next to his. You let out a small scoff, frustrated that you had let yourself get to this point. 

“Hey, no, none of that.” He said, hearing your scoff, as he helped you up to your feet. “Bad day, huh?” He asked, pulling you into a tight hug. 

“You have no idea.” You said into his chest. His lips found their way to your forehead, leaving a small, loving, lingering kiss. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, not pushing either way. 

“No, not right now.” You admitted, your arms finally wrapping around him. 

“That’s okay. What can I do for you, then, baby? Name it, and I’ll do it.” He said, his voice sincere and full of love. He always offered to do ‘anything’ but he always meant it, good days or bad. You hummed, your fingers playing with the fabric of his shirt. 

“Can we watch that movie I’ve been wanting to see? I saw that they put it on Netflix the other day.” You asked softly.

“Of course we can. Come on.” He said, without hesitating. He interlaced your fingers, dragging you to the bedroom, sitting you on the bed. “Get comfy; I’ll be back soon.” He said. Sure enough, no more than 20 minutes later, he came back with his arms full of sweets, popcorn he had popped in the microwave, water, and your favorite drink, just as a little extra treat. He settled in next to you, arranging the snacks in front of you, wrapping one arm around your shoulder, and pulling you close to him. “I love you; you know that, right?” He asked, planting a small kiss on your temple. 

“I do. I love you too; you know that, right?” You asked, mirroring his words. He laughed softly, kissing your temple again. He did know that, and even on your bad days, he felt it more than anything.

GAON

Gaon, ever the energetic one, never passed up an opportunity to greet you at the door whenever you came home; it didn’t matter where you came from. Be it work, out with friends, or just some time alone, he was always there waiting for you, ready to shower you in love and ask about how it went. So when you came home in tears, shoving past him wordlessly, he knew something was wrong—seriously wrong. 

“Wh- hello??” He said, watching you shove past him and walk directly into your shared bedroom, slamming the door behind you. He stood there, bewildered for a moment, trying to process what had just happened. After a moment, he turned on his heels, following in your tracks and knocking on the door. “Babe?” He called through the door, his heart aching as he heard sobs wrack your body.

“Baby? Can I come in?” He asked again after a moment, listening intently. 

“It’s open.” You mumbled flatly into the pillow. He pushed the door open slowly, taking in the scene in front of him. God, did it hurt his heart to see you like this. It was a rare sight. His lips curled into a small frown, and he stepped into the room, slowly walking over to you. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, his tone more worried than accusatory. You shook your head, not wanting to talk about it, or rather, not really being able to. Whenever you opened your mouth, another sob fell from your lips into the pillow, which only tugged at his heart strings. He sat next to you on the edge of the bed, not wanting to overwhelm you but still wanting to be near you as much as possible. “Shh, it’s okay; take your time.” He said, his hand slowly coming down to rub your back, his thumb occasionally rubbing smaller circles in its trail.

“I’m just so tired.” You managed as your breath steadied, tears still falling from your eyes. 

“Emotionally or physically?” He asked while nodding his head in acknowledgment. You hadn’t been sleeping well the last few days, and while he took notice, he didn’t want to make you feel like he was controlling you by telling you to go to sleep at a certain time, the same way he didn’t want you doing the same to him.

“Both, I guess.” You mumbled. He nodded again, his hand rubbing up and down your back with a bit more pressure. 

“I get that. Do you wanna talk about it? Or just take a nap, and then we’ll talk about it later?” He offered, giving you the majority of the control in this situation. You didn’t have to answer verbally; your tugs on his arm were more than enough. He chuckled softly, lying next to you, pulling you flush against his body and wrapping his arms around your shoulders. One hand continued to rub up and down your back at a slow pace, the other slowly raking through your hair. “I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you.” He whispered as your breathing steadied, his whispers of love and safety lulling you into a much-needed nap.

ODE

If there was one person in the world who made you feel the safest, it was Seungmin. You had texted him before you headed home that today was just the worst; your lack of emojis really punctuated the severity. The drive home was silent save for your occasional sniffles and labored breathing, your knuckles turning white from your grip on the steering wheel. You just wanted to get home. 

And home was waiting for you. The second you pushed the door open, there stood Seungmin, arms open, waiting for you. You wrapped your arms around his waist, finally releasing all of the pent-up emotion from the day, clinging to him so hard that you were afraid that if you let go, he would disappear. His chin rested on top of your head, one hand rubbing your back and the other carefully nestled in the nape of your neck, pulling you as close to him as possible. 

“I’ve got you. You’re okay.” He said, walking the two of you over to the couch, taking small steps so you didn’t trip. He laid down carefully, making sure you were comfortable the entire time, his arms cradling you. You were his baby in every sense. He let you go through the motions yourself, laying beneath you as your rock, wiping your tears and whatever snot had come from your nose, his eyes never faltering in their pure adoration of you. 

When you had calmed down enough to talk without hyperventilating, he sat up, sitting you up with him, pulling you into his lap, pressing his chest against your back, and resting his head on your shoulder. “There’s my baby. I’m proud of you.”

“For crying?” You asked, scoffing just a touch.

“For letting me take care of you.” He said, his tone stern but loving. It’s not that you didn’t let him take care of you often—quite the opposite, actually. He was always doting on you, pampering and spoiling you. Still, he loved to remind you that he was thankful for the opportunity, grateful and appreciative that you let him in and let him help you as opposed to shutting him out, which would be much easier to do. 

You nodded at his words, acknowledging them. “Of course, I love you.” You said, your fingers tracing small shapes on his arms that had wrapped themselves around your waist.

“I love you too. So much.” He said into your shoulder, inhaling the lingering smell of your shampoo and conditioner on the ends of your hair. “You smell good.” He said, trying to lighten the mood a touch. You chuckled softly, much to his relief. 

“Thanks,” you said, leaning onto him again and letting out a long, shaky sigh. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, knowing that there were times you did and times you didn’t. He never pushed when you didn’t, but he would always sit attentively when you did.

You nodded. “I think so.” You said, getting comfortable in his lap. He hummed in response, his fingers slowly raking through your hair, parting it, and then mixing it over and over. He knew you liked it but were too shy to ask for it, but the way you relaxed in his touch made him continue, occasionally pulling your hair into a braid or a ponytail before letting it fall again, all the while listening to you talk about what was bothering you and responding when he felt the need to. And so, the night went on like this until the both of you were too sleepy to keep talking but content enough to know that things were going to be okay as long as you had each other.

JUNHAN

Junhan was never one to pry, always giving you space when you came home from wherever you were, knowing you needed time to unwind from the world in a quiet place before you were ready to be loved on. But when you came home in near hysterics, he knew that he couldn’t sit there and watch. Still, he didn’t push. He watched carefully, assessing the situation and determining the right time to step in. 

That came when you dropped to your knees by the door a few moments later. He walked over to you quick enough to get to you but not fast enough to overwhelm you, kneeling by your side. 

“Hey, hey, listen to me. Can you do that?” He asked, his voice soft and smooth. Despite your hysterics, you nodded, finding some clarity and light in his presence. “Good, that’s my good baby. I’m here. Just listen. I’m gonna help you stand up, and then we can either sit on the couch, we can go lay down in bed, or we can do whatever works best for you. I’ve got you.” He spoke, his voice still calm and guiding. You nodded, gesturing your head to the couch as best you could. That’s all he needed. 

He stood first, offering both his hands to you and helping you stand up. His thumbs traced over your knuckles gingerly, his lips pressing into your forehead softly. “There you go; you’re doing so well. So so good.” He spoke, his voice quiet but firm. He led you to the couch, his hands never leaving yours. Once you were both sitting comfortably, he placed one hand on your back and one on your chest softly.

“Breathe with me.” He said, his words coming out as more of a gentle command than a question. He exaggerated his own breaths, taking large breaths in through his nose and exhaling them out of his mouth, guiding you to do the same. Once you got a steady rhythm, his breathing returned to normal, but he was still keeping a pace for you to follow if you felt yourself getting lost again. While you breathed, working through sobs and whines, his voice never faltered, the room filling with loving, grounding words. 

“There you go, just like that. You’re doing so good, I’m so proud of you. In and out, there you go. So so good.”

His hands both rubbed in small circular motions, the one on your back going in one direction and the one on your chest going in the other direction, a small way for him to bring you back to the present, grounding you and reminding you that whatever had been bothering you was gone now; all that was left was you and him, and that’s all that mattered in this moment. Once your breathing had returned to a normal, albeit shaky, state, he let his hand fall into your lap, grabbing your hand. 

“Is it a 'talk about it' problem or just a shit day?” He asked, his voice cutting through the silence.

“Shit day.” You replied, your voice hushed, resigned. He hummed in response, his hand moving up to the back of your neck, applying some soft pressure. 

“Do you wanna go to bed and forget about it?” He offered, genuinely. As much as he would love to know what’s going on, knowing wouldn’t make it go away or not happen, and really, all he wanted was to be there for you. You nodded at his question, leaning over and leaving a small kiss on his cheek; it was your wordless way of saying, “I love you.”. 

He helped you to the bedroom, taking special care to help you undress and get into your pajamas, his fingers occasionally rubbing out tense spots on your body in passing. He let you sit on the bed, brushing your hair for you and bringing you whatever you needed from anywhere in the house. His whispers were never silencing, full of praise and love.

JOOYEON

It was no secret that Jooyeon was incredibly protective of you. So when you came home with tear stains on your cheeks and fresh tears daring to spill over, his protective side took over immediately. 

When you pushed the door open with a heavy sigh, he immediately hopped up from the couch where he had been relaxing, waiting for you. Without a second thought, he pulled you into his embrace, his arms squeezing your shoulders—admittedly a bit too much, but you didn’t care. 

“What happened? Are you okay? Do I need to do something? Talk to someone?” He said, his voice full of worry and a bit of anger. Not at you, of course; never at you. Still, the fact that someone or something in the world was out there hurting the love of his life was enough for him to be angry. His actions made you chuckle softly—a welcome new feeling from those that had plagued you throughout the day. 

“I’m fine… It’s just been kind of a bad day.” You said, downplaying the situation. Frankly, it was a classic case of Murphy’s Law—everything that could possibly go wrong today did, and then some. 

“You don’t sound fine.” He said, sternly, pressing his chin to the top of your head, trying his best to protect you from everything in the world outside of his embrace. Your arms wrapped around him, and you let your head fall onto his chest. His heartbeat in your ear was a sweet soundtrack of purpose and love. 

“I… I’m not. I will be.” You reassured him. It wasn’t that you didn’t like to be taken care of, but you didn’t like worrying him, and you especially hated feeling pitied by him, despite the fact that he has never done that. He was your person, and you didn’t want to lose that. You wouldn’t, obviously, but the way the day had gone, you were preparing for it. “Just... please don’t leave.” You whispered into the fabric of his shirt. 

He pulled you away softly, keeping his hands on your shoulders. “Why would I ever do that?” He asked, his voice now quiet as well, but serious. There were hints of hurt in his words, but there was a bigger part of him that knew this was just the bad day and anxiety talking, and not that you meant it.

You shook your head softly. “I dunno. I just... everything has gone wrong. It feels like one wrong move, and you’re gone too.” You admitted. His heart ached, and he pulled you into another bone-crushing hug. 

“Oh, my silly baby. You couldn’t get rid of me, even if you tried. I’m here; I’ve got you; I’m not going anywhere.” One of his hands cupped the back of your head, pushing you into him, trapping you in his warmth and safety. 

“Promise?” You asked, your voice small. 

“I promise, with everything in me. The only place I’ll ever go without you is the bathroom.” He joked, trying to lighten the mood. It worked, despite how stupid it was, because you let out a genuine laugh—so much so that you couldn’t even fake a pout about it. 

“I guess I can live with that... Thank you for being here.” You said, your tone turning serious toward the end.

“I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else.” He said, kissing the top of your head. “Come on, wanna go lay down and blame all the bad things that happened today on things that have nothing to do with them?” He asked, tilting his head toward the bedroom. You nodded. It was hard to resist his playful way of cheering you up, especially when you knew it was genuine love.

[syndrossi]

October Trick or Treat Fill #10: Jon doesn't get to be an early bird today

Just as there aren't too many prompts applicable for mad!Daemon, there aren't that many for happy!Daemon either! But "another sleepover? Daemon and/or Rhaegar catching Jon trying to get up early and just squishing him" felt like it could be fun for Daemon, so here we go, just some light fluff.

x~x~x

“No.”

Daemon stirred at the sound of his son’s voice, groggy with sleep. Another nightmare, was his first thought. Rhaegar’s turn, it seemed, after several peaceful nights. But when he cracked his eyelids open, it was to the sight of his younger son stretching his arm over his brother’s chest, barring him from rising.

“Absolutely not,” Rhaegar said, voice a hushed whisper. “It is barely dawn.”

“But you admit that it is dawn,” Jon whispered back.

Their heads turned to Daemon as he shifted, guilt pulling their lips into identical frowns that warmed his heart even as he tried to comprehend precisely what the matter was.

“You woke him,” they accused one another in perfect unison.

He could not help but smile, as tired as he was. “I am a light sleeper.”

Rhaegar’s eyes narrowed at Jon. “See?”

“What is the matter?” Daemon asked, no less confused than when he had initially woken.

“Jon thinks this is an acceptable time to rise.”

His other son rolled his eyes in response. “I do not see the point in wasting half the morning lying about in bed.”

“I…see,” Daemon said.

It was an unusual squabble to find himself witnessing. His twins rarely bickered save in jest, and their sleeping habits had been long-established by now. Which meant that there was another disagreement playing out with this their chosen outlet, or—

Daemon looked between them, the fog of sleep clearing from his mind. There had been no heat in their voices, nor was there true discontent on their faces. There was something almost playful instead, as though this were a game he had interrupted.

Rhaegar turned a solemn gaze to him. “Jon does not know how to properly enjoy a lie about.”

It was a statement, but also an invitation, and Jon tensed in anticipation. Daemon recognized the game at last, recalling all the times he and Viserys had tried to coax a wrestling bout from their own father. This was his sons asking-without-asking for the same, allowing him into their play.

“We should teach him the error of his ways,” Daemon said gravely, masking the joy in his heart.

He flung out his own arm, catching Jon before he could wriggle off his end of the bed, and dragged him in as he struggled. Ever resourceful, his son snagged a pillow, which Daemon found himself repeatedly pummeled with until Rhaegar wrapped his brother in an impressive hold, allowing Daemon to pluck the pillow from his hands to deliver a series of feathery whacks against his torso.

Daemon had only a brief exchange of glances between his sons to recognize the coming betrayal as Rhaegar released Jon to drive himself into Daemon’s chest, momentum sending him onto his back once more. It was an unspoken statement of trust, and his arms tightened around his son in a brief hug before moving to tickle him.

His face was whacked by pillows, Jon to free his brother at first, and then a merciless onslaught from both until Daemon surrendered at last. Arms still pinned down by either son, he blew sharply to clear some of the hair that had fallen into his face during the chaos.

“Now you are both awake,” Jon said, rolling off his left arm. “And have the entire morning ahead of you.”

Daemon glanced at Rhaegar, finding him in silent agreement. His son tackled Jon next, stretching atop both him and Daemon to hold him down while Daemon hooked his arm beneath Jon, locking him in place as he drew him close.

“We are having a lie-in, and your presence is required,” Rhaegar informed his brother primly.

The hearth was down to embers, and without the exertion of wrestling to insulate them, the air was uncomfortably cold. The perfect conditions for resuming sleep, and Daemon grabbed the blanket with his other hand, drawing it back up over both of his sons, covering them completely.

“There,” he said. “Now it’s dark again.”

Jon let out an audible huff beneath the blanket but did not struggle to free himself, and Daemon relaxed back into the mattress after reclaiming a pillow. Rhaegar shifted, rolling onto Jon’s other side to form a barrier between him and escape. A glance toward the shut curtains revealed only the faint glow of pre-dawn light along the edge of the window, and Daemon nodded in vindication, then closed his eyes.

Far too early.

[anadiasmount]

painting date with jude filled w messy kisses 🤭🤭

cherry coated lips - jude bellingham x reader.

psa 🗣️: what about first kiss with soon to be bf! jude??? 😋😋 (also i did not proofread this so i hope it isn’t to bad to read.)

the rain had been predicted but part of you wished an prayed it would’ve been clear so your date with jude wouldn’t be canceled. it would been your 6tg date with him. the first one was him taking you to a fair, and latest where you had invited him over to make dinner and watch movies.

you loved his ideas of dates, always going above and beyond to make you feel special, he always knew how to leave his mark, and today wasn’t any different. he planned to take you on a evening out to a nice restaurant and finish the night by going to his favorite spot with a view of the new city he lived in, painting and having late night conversation.

with jude it could be just that, talk hours and hours together till the sun rose and moon was bright. he made you feel like the luckiest girl and you were. you were lucky to have met jude, and in any given occasion he became your person. he understood you, he cared for you, he knew you better than yourself and that was a bit scary at first.

while you always surrounded yourself with your circle of friends, when meeting jude you grew a soft spot and love for him. you both agreed to take it slow to relish the slow burn every time you were together. to feel the feelings inside every time. the tension was always present but lately it began to fill the room anytime you were together.

you became a nervous and stutter mess with him. not being able to keep eye contact when he stared into you. you skin burning everytime he held your hand or kissed your cheek goodbye. you wanted more but you felt unsure if he felt the same way you did for him.

you wanted this to go different from your past relationship. the last one made you feel like a shitty person, always calling you naive or clingy, being insecure when you went out or even alone in private. always complaining to you even when they were in the fault. they blamed you for everything and in the end you had enough. it wasn’t love it was being manipulated and constantly controlled by a person who couldn’t even figure out their own life.

with him it was different. he was almost too perfect to be true. a gentleman straight out the movies who made you feel like there could be no one else in the world besides you two.

which is how you felt right now. you were sat on the carpet of your flat, candles surrounded the place as the power had gone out due to the storm, but in a way it made it feel more romantic. the evening was filled with yummy takeout from a hidden spot in the city, a place only you and jude knew after going finding it randomly. since then it became your guys spot.

you giggled and laughed at the stories he told from when he started the academy at birmingham, later on in his teenage years in year school. about how jobe and him were day ones and valued family over anything. football was his life, but family and friends? we’re his main priority. just like you since they were the only ones there to lift you up after anything.

“have you seen those artist on tiktok where they use their led lights when painting? i feel like that right now with all these candles. i wish i could see the colors properly to see what i’m working with,” you said, licking your lips in concentration as the thin brush ran over the outline you had drawn into the canvas.

you looked over to the side, jude had suddenly came close to you, a arm around you and but placed on the couch cushions barely touching you. you could smell the faint cologne on him, driving your senses a bit into overdrive. you had been sitting on your bum but your knees began to hurt and now they were angled to the right.

“whatever the ending piece is, i’m sure it will look great, y/n,” jude said with a smile on his face, clinking the brush inside the glass of water on his side. jude looked over to see which brush and paint color to use next, quickly looking at his canvas before going with his intuition.

the familiar tension grew in the air, your bodies close together that if you moved you’d be side to side. you cleared your throat scratching your temple feeling like you’d explode any minute that passed by if you didn’t say or do anything. you attempted to distract yourself in the art but your mind was tracing back to him. jude. ir always seemed to be him.

you thought of every encounter together. that first time you met him and the kiss on your cheek when you had left, to right now where you wanted to do more than that. not sex but share your anticipated first kiss. the kiss that seemed to be interrupted by someone passing by, a loud noise, or a sudden jult or text. it was always something that had delayed the moment.

jude could feel your sudden change in body language, the end of the brush tapping against the canvas as you think loudly. he wanted to hold you against him, before he had to leave and wish he had done more than that. he wanted to taste a small bit of you, show you that whatever you felt he felt the same and stronger.

without hesitating, he brushed closer to you, being able to smell the hair products and see the glint in your eyes as he approached you. “penny for you thoughts?,” he asked softly, seeing you smile nervously as yo finally landed your brush on the outline. “not much, just thinking about school and work. the usual,” you shrugged as lighting struck again.

“what’s the usual?”

“you…” you confessed, looking up to see jude already starting at you. you were being openly honest with him, not wanting to lie because he was the only thing that consumed your head.

“what’s about me?” jude hummed, his finger discreetly tucking a piece of hair behind your ear as he cocked his head to the side. your stomach clenched tightly with butterflies as you could’ve sworn he stared at your lips and leaned closer.

“that if you…” you licked your bottom lip unable to get the words out, feeling like a shy school girl when getting called out or seeing the popular guy at school. “that if you feel the same way i do… feelings wise and that this isn’t just a waste of time or anything like that…” you said quickly, feelings jude’s nose ontop of yours.

“oh those feelings…” jude traced and e his nose into your cheek, watching the way you bit the corner of your lip as he did. “the feelings where you want to be reassured huh? the feelings you’ve hid because you’re afraid they won’t feel the same way? but deep down you know they do feel the same way…” he taunts, closing his eyes and breathing loudly at the proximity.

jude’s nose traced back ontop of yours, watching how you gulped heavily as his top lip ever so slightly brushed against yours. “tell me you want this, y/n… i’ll grant you every wish you want or ask for because i’ll do anything to call you my girlfriend…” jude said breathlessly, his hand coming to hold the back of your head as your pupils grew wide.

your hand came to his jaw, tracing your thumb over his jawline as he closed his eyes and hummed in relief. “kiss me jude…” you whisper not wanting to hold back or be interrupted by anything. jude sucked in a breath tasting your cherry coated lips he pulled you closer, his lips molding with yours that made his heart race a bit.

his lips danced with yours in sync, not once pulling back as all he could focus on was the way the two of you had gotten lost into it. his tongue wanting to be grant permission and tracing over your bottom lip, to be inside to fully taste you, and once he did all he could do was let out a groan as you whimpered. jude was in love with the way you kissed, touched his chest as your lips never parted from his, the way you tasted sweet and all his.

you pulled away first catching a breath as your hands rest on his chest, biting your lip in nervousness. jude looked completely in utter chaos, fucked over, his brown eyes now hooded as they continued to stare at you, running his tongue over his lips to see you shyly smiling. you placed a final peck onto his lips, jude closing his eyes rapidly so he could relish the kiss further.

“god i’ve been dying to do that since we were on that ferris wheel…” jude said chuckling, kissing your closed eyes and tip of your nose, not failing to notice how your lips were slightly swollen and plump from the kiss. he wanted more and now that he said what he wanted to say, there was no going back for the two of you.

“about the girlfriend thing-” you started to say but jude cut you off, “thought our kiss made it clear?” jude teased, watching how you tucked yourself into the crook of his neck feeling giddy. “you are my girlfriend right, princess?” he asked you again, wanting to hear fall from your lips. “yes jude… as long as you’re my boyfriend handsome…” you say coming back up from your spot.

“i think a kiss will confirm it all…” jude cocked his eyebrow, leaning down to capture your lips again, smiling into it as he heard you giggling. a familiar sound of the microwave turning back on and the lights suddenly brighting the room made you realize the power was back on, your kiss interrupted again or maybe was the cause of it.

“oh my gosh! jude look at my painting!”

[a66-1]

starving

part 1 | part 2 [you're here!]

Simon x Fem!Insecure!Reader.

finally got the idea for part 2. excited?

me too

TW: Talk of ed's, negative self talk, low self esteem, bad mouthing (from reader to herself, comes with the territory) cursing, self harm. i tried not to be too descriptive with the reader, so EVERY insecure girlie who reads this feels seen.

semi proofread bc who cares

The next morning was exhausting as the last.

You got up early to go running. If you ever have the chance, you run until the sun comes up. You need to stay fit if you want a boyfriend. It was easier when you were on your meds. Almost like you had the will to live those mornings.

You were back at the house around 8 am. You weren't scheduled for work today so... You headed back to bed and really, just slept the day away

You woke up around 5 pm. 5, really? God, you are just some depressed child.

You got out of bed for the second time, and changed into a dress. It was hard seeing yourself in a dress after 2 years. You stopped going out because alcoholism and anti-depressants aren't really two peas in a pod, are they?

Well this is why you quit. You dropped your therapist and your meds because you were better, and your mom stopped helping with the payments, and now you can go back to partying.

Minus the heavy drinking.

Hopefully.

You tear your eyes off yourself. If you stare too long, you'll end up convincing yourself to stay in bed longer. You configure the rest of your outfit, and grab a small black purse. Throwing your phone in it, you leave the house quicky. If you don't, you might properly convince yourself you're just as ugly as you thought..

The drive to the bar was silent, save from the honking cars around you. Fuck, what if this is the wrong idea? I mean the looks everyone will give you, you look so bad and so ugly and god this was such a bad--

You hear a car honk behind you. The light turned green. You lower your head, sighing, and taking a left.

Once at the bar, you slip into one of the seats nearer the back, feeling uncomfortable in the seat. Adjusting your dress down, you cringe while looking around the bar. There's so many pretty women here, and comparatively you are way under them.

You order a drink, sipping on the alcohol for the first time in months. Fuck, your therapist would be losing it if she knew you not only stopped meds but started drinking again...

You rested your head in your palm, watching others interact. Pretty women just have a way with men, a way you've never had. The buzz of the alcohol was enough to make you not question why nobody has interacted with you, other than the bartender. People probably think your such a loser, I mean, who would just sit here and drink--

"Hey. You're, uh.. That girl from yesterday right?" A gruff voice appears behind you. You flinch forward, whipping your head around.

Oh. This guy.

You slowly put your drink down, your palm over the top of it.

"And who are you?" You ask, eyeing the man. He didn't have his mask on. He was... Really cute.

"A customer." He sat next to me, his eyes trained on mine. I felt sort of flushed under his gaze.

Fuckin' small world.

You spent some of the night talking with him. Still don't know his name, or why you ran into him here, but you don't care nonetheless.

You were looking for sex this night but... Is a connection so bad?

Like you could make a connection with someone who is out of your league.

thank god i finished this. 3 drafts later, and im sorry its kinda short. trust part 3 is gonna have the good stuff, this is kinda a filler so it can get to the good stuff.

ily babes...

-a661

taglist:

@i-am-hungry-24-7 @arminarlertssword @haven-1307

[ivyyisbored22]

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐢𝐬 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭— 𝐁𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐅𝐅

Note: Check Description and other chapters first to understand the story ^^♡

Chapter 5

Aria

It's been a month since I got married, I didn't properly speak to Chris after that moment in the kitchen that morning, just occasional Good Mornings and Hi's whenever he passed by. For 4 weeks he had been ignoring my presence, the only reason why I'm still alive in this huge ass mansion was because of Deliah's company.

I tried my best within these weeks to try to talk to Chris, but he didn't even bother, he claimed he was busy or arrived home late every night. Pain stung in my chest. I don't know why I still had unwanted hope running in my heart, knowing he'll be himself when he's home and we're only pretending to be people we truly aren't when we're are in front of judging eyes.

I had enough of his bullshit and needed air, I grabbed my handbag and exited his mansion, hoping to find some peace outside of these walls. I called one of my close friends, Leia, she answered after a few rings.

"Hey baby girl" Her voice was warm and cheerful, a stark contrast to my own. I took a deep breath, trying to steady my emotions.

"Hey babe, you free today?" I asked, hoping to see her. She sadly missed my wedding as she was having a book tour in Europe, her debut book was a huge success after finally publishing it last year.

"Sure I am, wanna grab boba?" I chuckled behind the phone, "Absolutely"

"Send your loc, be there in about 15. See ya" She assured before hanging up. I sent her the location to Chris's mansion and waited for her to come. Even though I was all alone in here, I did roam around the enormous gardens and other places of this mansion and even took a swim in the pool, all while Chris wasn't at home.

I got down the small steps and walked to the infinity pool in the back, I spotted Daniel, he turned to me as soon as he saw me standing and raised a gentle hand smiling softly. I waved back at him, returning the smile, turning around to inhale the fresh of the autumn morning.

The sound of a car honk pulled me out of my reverie, I turned to see Leia's car approaching the gate. Relief washed over me as she parked and stepped out, her smile as radiant as ever.

"Aria! Baby girl I missed you tons" she called out, rushing towards me. We embraced tightly, her warmth and familiar scent instantly comforting me.

"Leia, it's so good to see you," I murmured, trying to keep my voice steady.

She pulled back and looked at me, concern etched on her face. "You look like you've been through the wringer. Let's get that boba and you can tell me everything." We headed to her car, and soon we were driving through the city towards our favorite boba tea spot.

The familiar sights of the city and the anticipation of spending time with Leia helped ease some of the tension I'd been carrying. We reached the best boba spot in the city and placed our orders and sat down at a comfy spot, I finally felt like I was out of a prison.

"Alright, so spill the tea, what's up"

I took a deep breath and told her everything meeting Chris for the first time and how he didn't look so intimidating. The night before the wedding, the contract and how he's been avoiding me for the past weeks and that little incident in the kitchen. He told me no one should know about the contract but fuck it. It was driving me insane.

"Wait. So this guy had you SIGN a contract BEFORE you exchanged your vows? What in the God's name is this madness?!" Her eyes kept widening as I kept talking, she was finally updated about everything.

I nodded, feeling a mix of frustration and helplessness. "Yeah. It was all part of the agreement. And, it's only valid for a year" I said, looking down at my boba, unable to meet her eyes.

"And you agreed to this?" She shook her head in disbelief.

I hesitated for a second, then added "I had to. I didn't have a choice. After my last relationship, you know how my parents said they will get me married. And Chris's father somehow has blackmailed him or some bullshit," I caught a breath, trying to keep my voice steady.

"I didn't want this marriage and neither did he. But now I feel like I walked into trap and I'm unable to escape."

She tilted her head, "How did you meet him?" I looked up from the table, remembering when I met his father before I met Chris.

"You know my father works as head accountant for Aurelius and is well known among Mr.Bang's top employees," I told her how the CEO personally met with my parents and and convinced them into arranging this marriage. My parents were thrilled. They saw it as a golden opportunity for me, a way to secure my future.

After breaking up with my ex, a betrayal I never saw coming, I didn't want to wait for "my one" anyway. But this...this wasn't exactly what I envisioned either.

I wanted stability, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I could see the concern etched on her face as she listened to me recount the events leading up to this point.

Leia's hand gently touched mine, her eyes soften with sympathy. I looked at her trying to brush away the tears and thankfully this time I had control over them.

"Baby girl this isn't right. Even if whatever this hell is only for a year, you must speak to him" Her hand squeezed mine, her voice firm yet filled with compassion.

I nodded slowly, grateful for her presence. She was one of the fewest people I trusted and vented to, the first being my mother. I didn't have the heart to burden my mother that my marriage wasn't even a happily ever after. Chris's mansion was an hour drive from my mom's place. With the crazy traffic in the States, there's no way I could go and come back alone and also the fact that the driver only works for him.

Besides I can't leave without informing Chris anyway.

"You deserve clarity, Aria," Leia affirmed, her gaze unwavering. "You deserve to know where you stand and what this marriage really means."

She leaned forward, her eyes locked onto mine. "But more than this. You deserve someone who truly loves you, not someone bound by a contract."

Tears welled up in my eyes, but I blinked them away. "I know, Leia. I just... I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to break free, but another part of me feels like there's something worth fighting for."

Her squeeze around my hand tightened, "Whatever you decide, I'm here for you. Always."

We finished our boba tea in silence, lost in our own thoughts. I felt a renewed sense of determination building within me. As we left the café and Leia drove me back to the mansion, my mind crawled with thoughts on what I had to do.

When we arrived, we shared a tight hug and I watched Leia drive away before heading inside. But when I entered, I wasn't expecting the stoic, cold heir to be home by noon. I thought he'll come home late like usual.

My heart pounded hard in my chest as he was sitting on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees, scowling and scrolling his phone. When I entered the hall, he laid his phone. I looked at him and headed to the stairs, when his rough voice called out my name.

"Where were you?" Irritation crawled up my skin. He didn't give a shit about me before, why does he care now?

"Somewhere with a friend" I said without looking at him, clenching my bag as I heard footsteps behind me.

"Somewhere? Where exactly? Don't you think you should tell me before you wander in the streets with someone?"

I turned to him glaring as he stood so close to me, my frustration bubbling to the surface. "Why does it matter to you, Chris? You've been avoiding me for weeks. You barely acknowledge my existence and presence in this house unless it's absolutely necessary. Now suddenly why do you want to know where I've been?"

His jaw clenched at the tone of my voice. I didn't care if I pissed him off. His expression was unreadable, his eyes were burning fire as he glared back at me, I was sure that stare itself could burn upto a thousand degrees.

"I have every right to know where my wife is."

I scoffed. "Oh, now I'm your wife?" I retorted, unable to hide the bitterness in my voice. "Funny how you remember that only when it's convenient for you."

"Don't speak me to me in that tone" He warned me. I took a step back, my hand clenched the strap of my bag more tightly.

I squared my shoulders, refusing to back down. "Or what, Chris? What are you going to do? Ignore me some more?"

His nostrils flared, his patience clearly wearing thin. "You know what, Aria? This attitude of yours isn't helping."

"Oh, I'm sorry. So now my attitude is the problem?" I shot back, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Maybe if you actually talked to me instead of treating me like a stranger, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Chris took a step closer, his voice low and controlled. "I've been trying to give you space, Aria. That's what we both needed."

"Space?" I scoffed again, my frustration reaching its peak. "Is that what you call it? Ignoring me? Avoiding any real conversation? That's not space, Chris. That's avoidance."

"I fucking told you not to have any expectations of me. This is who I am alright? If you find this behaviour annoying, you shouldn't have agreed to this in the first place" His voice was thick, filled with anger as he growled at me, I began shaking, trying to stop myself from falling down.

"I'm not having any expectations of you or of us. But just—" I sighed. Whatever I say wasn't gonna change his mind.

"But what sweetheart?" His head tilted, a mocking smirk playing on his face. I hated when he called me that when he didn't mean it.

"Stop calling me that" I said pointing my index finger at his chest. "And yes I did expect more," I continued, my voice gaining strength despite my shaky resolve.

"I expected us to at least try to make this work. To communicate. It's fine if you don't want to treat me like a wife in these walls but I thought at least we could be friends"

Chris's face hardened at my words, a mixture of frustration flickering in his eyes. He opened his mouth as if to respond, then closed it again, his jaw clenching visibly. The air around us felt heavy with unspoken tensions and unresolved feelings.

"I didn't agree to this marriage expecting a fairy tale," he finally said, his voice quieter now, but no less intense. "I thought we both understood what this was."

"I do understand," I replied, my voice steadier despite the storm of emotions raging inside me. "But understanding doesn't mean I have to accept being treated like I don't matter."

He sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair in a gesture of irritation. I had enough of his bullshit. I turned away from him and walked upstairs to my room. He grabbed my wrist but I twisted it off his grip, running to my room and shutting the door behind me.

Throwing my bag and phone onto my bed, I pulled my hair down from my ponytail and headed to the shower. The lukewarm water cascading down my body felt better. Like a hug.

I stood in the shower for good half an hour before coming out wrapped in my bathrobe, to find Chris SITTING on my bed.

What the fuck

"What are you doing here?" I snapped at him, keeping my voice calm yet mixed with irritation.

"Waiting for my wife to come out of the shower" He looked at me, a sly grin playing across as his eyes roamed my body. Water was still dripping down my hair and droplets sliding down my chest, his eyes were on my cleavage before it met mine again.

Why didn't I lock the god damn door

"It's rude to enter someone's room without permission" I stated firmly, my voice laced with annoyance as I tightened the belt of my bathrobe.

"Didn't need permission since this is my house" He said coolly.

"But it's my room. You assigned this to me, so I want you to respect my privacy"

He scoffed and met my gaze again, he got off the bed and walked to me, closing the distance between us slowly. I stood where I was, feeling exposed under his scrutiny. "Your room or not, I will do whatever I want. You live in my house"

His tone was smooth yet edged with arrogance, each word deliberate and cutting through the air with a sense of entitlement. My hands curled into fists, I knew arguing with him will only escalate the tension between us further.

"You might own this house," I retorted, trying to keep my voice steady despite the unease churning inside me, "but that doesn't mean you can disrespect boundaries."

Chris's eyes narrowed slightly, his gaze locking onto mine with an intensity that sent a shiver down my spine. "Boundaries?" he echoed, his voice low and dangerously calm. "You don't get to set the rules here, Aria. You're here because of the agreement, remember?"

His words stung, reminding me once again of the contractual nature of our marriage. It was a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that our relationship was based on anything but love or mutual respect.

"What do you want?" I asked, closing my eyes and turning away from him, having enough of his shit for the day.

"To fuck that little attitude out of you" Chris replied sharply, his voice cutting through the tension in the room like a knife. His words held a cold edge, filled with frustration and impatience.

Don't slap him. Don't slap him.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself before I turned back to face him. "My attitude is a direct result of your behavior, Chris. If you want it to change, maybe you should start treating me with respect."

He scoffed, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. "Respect is earned, Aria. And frankly, you haven't exactly made it easy."

I shook my head, disbelief and anger mingling in my voice. "You think I owe you respect after the way you've treated me? After all the times you've ignored me, dismissed me when I tried to talk to you, or made me feel like I'm nothing?"

Chris's expression hardened, his jaw tightening.

"This marriage was never about love. We both know that. You and I were both pressured by our families and here we are. It's a civil arrangement, and in a civil conversation respect is earned through cooperation."

"Only 335 days more of your bullshit and I'll be out of this hell" I walked away from him to my wardrobe, indicating that he should leave.

He laughed a cold laugh before he left my room saying,

"Can't wait for the day"

------------------------

Thank you for reading!

xx,Ivyy

Next Chapter

[rosetintedgunman]

-

The sound of someone clearing their throat belatedly had Wilford glance up. Ah. There was someone here. That was a surprise. Maybe they had been hiding in the grass? Or maybe Wilford simply couldn't see them because they were beyond the field of non-blurry vision.

Oh! It's a man! Funny that. "Me? No." That sounded like a rather sensible answer to Wilford. He lowered his head to admire the flowers, only to remember he should probably say a little more than that. "Pretty flowers. Not used ta seein' 'em up close."

@rosetintedgunman

Ah, spring. A wonderful time of year — warmer weather, new beginnings, and the opportunity to cater to nature better.

Or at least in Connor's opinion anyway. This is part of the reason why he's even outside today, catering to his own garden tentatively, revelling in the peace of the afternoon.

That is, until he's interrupted by the sight of a rather large man peering over his fence. Connor is immediately on his feet, silent for a moment before calmly rather loudly clearing his throat, staring at him with a cold glare. "Do you need something?"

[lucy90712]

heyy, can u make one about reader meeting gavi's family for the first time and they being kind of rude to her (worrying about her being an attention seeker), but then he talks to them and in the end it's just fluff? <3

WC: 2.9k It's finally the day I've been worried about for the last 6 months. Today I'm finally going to meet my boyfriend Pablo's parents. We have been together for 6 nearly 7 months now which have been the best months of my life, Pablo is the nicest guy I've ever met and the best boyfriend somehow he just gets me which I think is how we get along so well. Although we've been together for a little while now I haven't met Pablo's parents as they still live back in Sevilla and he doesn't get to go back there often. There has been times that his parents have come to Barcelona but things just haven't worked out in terms of me meeting them but today that changes. Pablo has a few free days and so do I so he suggested we go on a road trip back to his hometown to visit his parents and I just couldn't say no. 

I have been nervous for this day since Pablo and I started dating but now that's it's been put off for so long I'm even more nervous than I was before. The reason I'm so nervous is because I'm not stupid I know how many girls are interested in Pablo and a lot of them for the wrong reasons and I'm petrified that his parents are going to think I'm one of those girls. I truly love Pablo and I see myself being with him for the rest of my life and I just want that to come across when I meet his parents. My biggest problem is I'm quite shy which means I get quite awkward when meeting new people and I don't want my awkwardness to make his parents think I'm not serious about my relationship with him. 

I stayed over at Pablo's place last night so we could get up early and start the drive whenever we were ready. All night he slept peacefully holding onto my waist while I laid awake thinking about all the ways having dinner with Pablo's parents tonight could go wrong which has only made me more nervous than I was before. Just as I got myself into another spiral Pablo's alarm went off and I felt him start to stir besides me until he was awake enough to turn off the alarm. As soon as the alarm was turned off Pablo grabbed my waist and turned me to face him before pressing gentle kisses all over my face which ended with a passionate kiss on my lips. Once he was finished giving me my morning kisses he properly opened his eyes and looked at me which made his smile drop slightly. I have been trying to hide my nerves from Pablo as I know he's excited to see his parents and I don't want to ruin that with my anxiety. 

"What's on your mind amor?" He asked pulling me closer if that was even possible 

"I'm just a bit nervous about meeting your parents that's all don't worry about me" I said holding back the full truth 

"You don't need to be nervous amor I know they will love you because I do plus how can anyone not love you" he said 

"Thank you Pablo that makes me feel a bit better" I said 

"I get why you're nervous I was nervous meeting or parents but if I can survive so can you because you have much more going for you in terms of impressing parents" he laughed 

"I'm no successful footballer though Pabs" I joked 

"No but you are in university getting a degree in an area I don't understand and not to mention you have a scholarship for being so smart my mum will love that" he said sincerely 

I so desperately want to believe Pablo but I just have a bad feeling about tonight which is so stupid as I'm sure it will all be fine but I can't shake that awful feeling. 

From the minute Pablo and I got out of bed we just didn't stop between getting ready and packing I had no time to think even for a second until we got in the car and even then I only had a minute when I was sat on my own before Pablo got in the car and we started the long drive. I was in charge of music for the first stint of the drive and I took that very seriously so while talking to Pablo I was curating the perfect playlist which I think is one of my skills although it's not useful in many situations. For the first few hours of the drive Pablo kept me talking and laughing so I wasn't thinking about tonight and then we stopped and I started driving which meant I had other things to concentrate on which was good for me. 

It took us a long time but eventually we made it to Pablo's home town and to the hotel we are staying at this weekend. Pablo's parents offered to let us stay in his old room but he declined as he didn't want to overwhelm me with meeting his parents and staying with them all at once which I really appreciated. Once we checked in both of us got changed and freshened up as we'd been in the car for a while and I didn't want to look gross when meeting his parents for the first time. When I was ready I stood by the door to the room waiting for Pablo to get his shoes on completely in my own world until I felt Pablo take hold of both of my hands which made me realise that I was picking at the skin on my fingers which I do when I’m nervous. Pablo didn't say anything he simply just kissed my hands and led me out of the room and back to the car to do the short drive to his parents place. 

When we arrived I held onto Pablo's hand tightly as he rang the doorbell but as soon as the door was opened he let go of my hand and hugged both of his parents. He then introduced me to them both and I hugged them too but something felt off but I put that down to this being the first time we've met. They welcomed us in and we all sat down together to get to know each other before we have dinner. For a few minutes they were mostly talking to Pablo which helped me settle my nerves a little but then I quickly became the subject of conversation. 

"So y/n Pablo tells us that you are studying sport science at university" Pablo's mum said 

"Yes I am I have always been interested in the topic so when I was offered a scholarship to the best university in the city I had to take it" I said 

"Well that's pretty impressive it must be hard work though" she said 

"It is but I love it so it makes it all worth it" I said

"I imagine you don't have time for much else like work" his dad added 

"I don't have much free time no but with my scholarship I'm able to use the money from my student loan to keep me alive plus I share an apartment with a few friends so that helps with costs" I explained

"How much time do you have to spend with Pablo?" His mum interrogated 

"I spend as much of my free time with him as possible sometimes he lets me study at his place so we can spend some time together and I always make time for home games so I can watch him play" I answered 

The interrogation didn't stop there. They kept asking me questions about money and Pablo's success. The way they were asking made it seem like they were just interested in getting to know me but I'm not stupid I could easily tell they were trying to find out if I was using their son and were just waiting for me to slip up so they could tell him to break up with me. This is exactly what I was worried about happening because I just know that if they tell Pablo I'm no good he will break things off as he said that's what happened with his last girlfriend although she was definitely after his money. The worst part of it all is that Pablo doesn't see what they're doing he's just sat next to me smiling while I get interrogated like I've committed a crime. 

Luckily for me it soon became time for dinner and I was able to excuse myself for a minute to go to the bathroom. On my way to the bathroom I heard Pablo's parents talking in the kitchen and to start with I told myself I shouldn't listen but I couldn't help myself I had to stand in the entrance to the bathroom for a minute. As soon as I did I wish I didn't as all I heard them talking about was how they thought I was clearly using Pablo for money to help me get through uni which just isn't true I'm more than ok on my own and I've never taken any money from him. Next they said that I must like the fame and attention because I always go to the games but little do they know I always buy my tickets and sit with all the other fans because I don't want anyone to know that I'm Pablo's girlfriend. The fact that they thought so little of me and were happy to talk about me behind my back really upset me as I tried my hardest to answer their questions honestly and settle their worries but clearly they had an idea of what I'd be like and they can't get past that. 

Once I went into the bathroom it all hit me like a ton of bricks. Pablo's parents hate me which means he's going to break up with me and I don't think I could deal with that. Pablo is always there for me supporting me when I'm feeling overwhelmed and encouraging me when things don't go how I expect and I just don't know how I'd ever live without that support from him. I tried my best to hold back the tears that were brimming in my eyes but I just couldn't the thought of losing Pablo because his parents got the wrong impression was just too much. Once I started crying I just couldn't stop as all the emotions from the past week made their way to the surface. 

Seeing as I had tears and mascara streaming down my face I knew I couldn't stay plus I didn't want to face Pablo's parents again knowing what they think of me. I tried wiping the mascara off my face as I left the bathroom to go and find Pablo to ask if he would go back to the hotel. I didn't expect him to be in the kitchen just across the hallway so I didn't have as much time to get myself together a I thought I would as he looked over at me and instantly came rushing over.

"Amor whats wrong?" He asked 

"Nothing I- just- can we please go back to the hotel" I stuttered 

"What's happened I can’t help if you don't tell me" he said 

"I just don't feel well I'm sorry" I lied 

"Don't lie amor please just tell me what happened then we can go if you want" he said 

"Fine I heard your parents talking as I went into the bathroom and they were saying that I'm only with you for money and fame but I promise that's not true I really do love you a lot please don't break up with me" I rambled 

"What did they say?" He questioned 

"They said I'm only with you to get money to help me through uni and that I'm just interested in your fame" I repeated 

He didn't say anything else he simply just pressed a kiss to my head before walking straight out to his parents who were sat waiting at the dining table. That only made me more anxious because if I made a bad impression before making their son yell at them certainly isn't going to do me any favours. I wanted to stop Pablo before it was too late but for some reason I just couldn't move my feet they were stuck in place and I was just a passenger in the whole situation. As it turns out my bad feeling that I couldn't shake wasn't just me being anxious I was right it think that everything would go wrong as so far it's gone as bad as I imagined it would if not worse. 

To start with I was so panicked that I couldn't hear anything Pablo was saying to his parents but I managed to calm myself down enough to be able to make out what he was saying. It was easy to tell that he was really mad which made me feel so awful because this is all my fault. He wasn't yelling at least not quite but he was definitely stern in telling his parents what he thought. He was telling them that they shouldn't have let the actions of his previous girlfriends affect their perception of me and that they were wrong about me as I'm completely different to all the girls he's been with before. It was so nice to hear him stick up for me as my last boyfriend would let anyone would say anything about me and not care so it felt good to know he was willing to stand in my corner even against his parents. 

Eventually their conversation came to and end and Pablo came back over to give me a super tight hug which is exactly what I needed after the last few hours of stress. He asked me if I was willing to stay for a bit longer and talk with his parents again and I just couldn't say no as I really do want to have a good relationship with them. That being said I was really nervous as we went and sat back in the living room but Pablo squeezed my hand to reassure me that everything would be ok. 

"First of all we both want to apologise to you y/n we shouldn't have judged you before we had even met you and interrogating you like we did was wrong too" his mum apologised 

"We want to get to know you properly and we know tonight is probably the wrong time for that but we don't want you to think that we aren't willing to do this over again and forget about everything that's happened so far" his dad added 

"Thank you I want to apologise too I didn't mean for tonight to turn out like this I just wanted to show you that I really love your son and I'm not here to take advantage of him in any way" I said 

"We know that and after seeing how upset you were and how Pablo stood up for you we realised that your relationship is clearly very genuine" his dad said 

"And you are a lovely girl who we would love to have join the family so we hope we can hope start over again another day" his mum said 

"I'd be more than happy to do that" I said 

A few more things were said before Pablo and I left as everyone wanted to start fresh again another day. I felt a bit bad still as Pablo had been so excited about tonight and seeing his parents but I ruined it and now we are leaving early. Really I shouldn't think like that but I can't help but feel a bit guilty for ruining dinner as I could've just said nothing until we got back to the hotel but I can't change that now. 

When we got back to the hotel Pablo flopped straight onto the bed and opened his arms for me which after the day we've had I just couldn't resist. He held me tightly and stroked my back which really helped calm the last of my anxiety which was still built up in my body. Being back in his arms after a long stressful day is just what I needed as he's the only one that always knows how I'm feeling and how to help me. 

"I'm sorry for the way tonight turned about but thank you for giving my parents a second chance they really do mean well and I'm promise that next time they really will love you" he said breaking the silence 

"It's ok I get it I understand why they are so protective over you I just want to show them that I really love you because I do I don't care about your fame or money I care about you" I said 

"Believe me amor I know that and my parents will see it too as long as it's ok with you I was thinking we could all meet for lunch tomorrow and start over" he said 

"Thats ok with me I get to have a second go at a first impression" I joked 

"Well practice makes perfect" he laughed 

[cuddlebugzz]

Hey everybody! This is definitely tmi, but since I would've liked a first hand account when I was nervous with doing new agere things - I thought it might help others! Today I'm going to talk about my experience with buying agere items, specifically, a paci, a sippy cup, goodnites, and more! Full experiences under the cut, this is gonna be a long post.

The bullet points ☆ are in the order of the pictures, except the first, I don't have a picture for it. ☆ <- mystery box ☆ <- caterpillar ☆ <- paci ☆ <-onesie ☆ <- coloring books ☆ <- sippy ☆ <- goodnites

☆ The first item that I got was actually an agere mystery box from etsy. I was really nervous about buying it, but really eager to get some agere stuff. I specifically wanted a sippy of bottle and a paci, but didn't have a lot of money, so I bought a small mystery box - I'm pretty sure it was about $15. I didn't want to buy items on their own in fear that it would be really obvious somehow - I still lived with my family.

It came in a cute but discreet envelope, and it had some snacks (fruit snacks and animal crackers, I didn't end up eating them), a crayola bath bomb, some stickers, play dough. Like most mystery boxes, I didn't end up using most of it "^^ However, the last item was the baby paci! I was really excited to have it, I'm pretty sure it was white with a manta ray on it.

It took me a few nights to use it, it lived in a box under my bed until I was ready. When I finally did use it, watching cartoons in bed while everyone else was asleep - whoops! I didn't like it "^^. A lot of the fault lies in it not being a proper adult paci, I think. I didn't fit right in my mouth so it felt weird and uncomfortable. Either way, I was excited to get an agere collection going!

☆ Another item of note I have is a baby toy, a rattle caterpillar from a baby store. Long story short, I was doing a gift drive there, and we bought some toys to put on the table as examples. We sat out there for a long time, so we were bored, and the other volunteers were entertained by the toys, even though they're for babies! I actually had one of these caterpillar toys as a baby, and we couldn't donate it because it wasn't properly packaged- so my dad let me keep it. No one thought it was weird, and the only comments I've ever gotten is about how cute it is. Goes to show that buying "baby stuff" might not be as weird as you think. More on that later.

☆ The next item I purchased was from the amazingly awesome @princeminnow ! I had wanted an adult paci since the other one didn't work, but I don't like the design of deco pacis. I just wanted one that looked like a regular nuk paci - and minnow had just that! The paci I bought from his is the blue one pictured up top, it has a sleepy bear and it glows in the dark! I'm pretty sure his stuff goes for around $14, but it's worth every penny. He's really nice and his stuff is unique and great quality! Same discreet but cute packaging, with a wonderful note :) Go check out his shop!

As for using it, I liked this one more than the other for sure! I like how it glows in the dark, and it actually fits in my mouth this time. Even if I don't really suck on it like some do, I like to chew it, and it's perfect for that. I still don't reach for it too often though, pacis just aren't as soothing for me as I thought they'd be :p Totally a personal experience though - and I'm really glad i tried it!

☆ The next thing I bought was a onesie off of depop. It was second hand from a shop called lil k1nk boutique, which was super not fun, but it had a pattern I loved in my size so I bought it anyway. I was really nervous because there was confusion with shipping, I didn't know if it would show up at my house or my dorm. It ended up at my dorm. I had a roommate who was nice, but probably would not understand agere, so I was nervous about her seeing, but luckily she was gone most of the time so I got to try it on without fear of her being in the room. I couldn't keep it on the whole night cuz I was nervous, bit I was still so excited to have it!

I wore it again at home, and honestly, as with the first paci, not my favorite thing. Like its nice, but I underestimated the autistic opposition to an unfamiliar cut of clothing (long sleeves no pants) and I was still nervous to wear it. I haven't tried it in a few months, maybe I'll give it another spin! I bet it'll be better in the colder months, when I have fluffy pants over it. Even though it didn't work out on the first try, once again, I'm still happy to have it!

☆ Another item I thought I'd mention are my justice league coloring books, because I ordered them to my dorm. I was nervous about my roommates thinking it was weird, but by this time I'd moved into a much more nuerodivergent space lol. My roommate, who is absolutely wonderful, had put together a coloring activity literally the day before, which I declined because I was busy and I don't really like adult coloring books, they're too complicated to relax me. The next day when my justice league stuff arrived (activity book and a water wow) I felt comfortable telling them about it. I explained that I always wanted these kind of coloring books, I think water wows are really cool and justice league is my special interest. Everyone I told about was very supportive, and glad I got something fun! Another example about kiddie stuff not being as weird as one might think - especially in nuerodivergent spaces.

☆ one of the most recent items I've bought was a sippy cup, the first thing I've bought in an actual store. Like a lot of age regressors, I could look at the baby aisle for one million years. But I haven't, because I thought that'd be weird.

Spoiler: it's not weird at all. I have actually been to the baby aisle with my friends before, just to look at all the cute stuff. Also, if you were to see someone in the baby aisle, you would just assume they were... buying stuff for a baby. Doesn't even have to be for a daughter or son, they could babysit. So once I was actually there looking at all the cups, it was not as weird as I thought I would be.

I went to target, and they had a good selection of sippies. I'm glad I bought one I'm person, because I would have waaay underestimated how itty bitty some of these are. Like, so tiny, they're for babies after all. And it helped me pick one, because on the internet I feel like I need the perfect one, because the internet has everything, and I'm disappointed when I don't find it. But in a store, I'm like, "aw I like that :)" and buy it. Which is exactly what I did - and I think it's perfect! It's gender nuetral, it even has stars like I wanted! Good size too, it can hold a regular drink amount. I just went through the self checkout and bought it with my other items, easy peezy.

I got home and tried it that night, with my door closed. I got some ice water in a regular cup and poured it in my sippy in my room. And let me tell you - I looooove it. For one, this thing does not spill. They are not lying this cup must sippy, liquid is not coming out any other way. It's the perfect size like I said, and once you get passed the learning curve of drinking - pro tip, press down with your teeth and a lot more liquid comes out - its wonderfully soothing. The only con, and this is lightly embarrassing, three plastic cover top is hard to open. It's a childproof cap for obvious reasons, and I have tried to uncap it only to unscrew the whole thing way too many time. Other than that, its a dream come true! Highly recommend!

☆ last but certainly not least, my latest purchase, the goodnites. I've wanted nappies (diapers) for a pretty long time. I waffled between nappies, pull-ups, and training pants for forever, but the former and latter had too many factors that put me off. Mostly bulkiness. At least for a first time, I don't want them to be bulky. But I did more research, and discovered that XL goodnites should fit me - I'm 5'2 and 100 pounds - and best of all, they have a space print!! They're perfect!! I ordered them on postmark (a spare package someone didn't want), it came out to around $15 for 9 pull-ups. It was listed as $8 but shipping was a lot xp Whatever, I bought them anyway.

(This is where its gonna get tmi, skip to the conclusion if you don't wanna read it!) I spent a lot of time nervous about my family finding them, as always. One thing that did bring me a little comfort though - I'm actually on my period right now, and I've actually heard of people using adult diapers for it. Like, it's not common, but I live with all boys, they wouldn't know that. Is it farfetched? Yeah, but it makes me feel better. And honestly it made my feel much better putting them on - they are really not that different from pads I use. I hate my period sooo much, pure autism hell, but honestly I think this might help.

A big reason I wanted nappies in any capacity was a, comfy, and b, I honestly do have issues with going to the bathroom sometimes. I think it's an autism thing, I have a lot of anxiety around getting up and going to the bathroom, especially when I'm in bed, and it gets so bad sometimes it makes me stomach hurt. I'm not sure if I'll test how these can help, as I've heard they're not super good for that, but maybe that's where I'll try real adult nappies. You can get samples on abu for under $10 sometimes, maybe I'll try that over the summer.

Conclusion: highly recommend. They're very comfy, so cute, and discreet too. They don't make any noise when I walk and they're not bulky. I love them! Great first nappy!

Anyway, that's all I have for today! Thanks for reading my incredibly long rambling, I hope it could provide a little help for anyone who needs it!

[threadsun]

Ok, Sydney was robbed of a proper corruption ending so I'm here to write him one

We're actually going to keep the part where his original story "ends" You two make it to the prayer room get high and...fuck? weirdly hump each other while you're crazy stupid high? Who's to say, but that happens, ok? But after a while something just doesn't sit right with Sydney. Sure it felt like you two had sex but he's still a virgin, aside from any bruises you two might have left on each other there's no real way to tell if that all really happened or not. Not to mention how fucking sick of the church he's getting

He's been told all his life that people like you are evil sinners who will never reach haven, but those nights spent with you are haven! You are his haven, why should the church's opinion matter to him anymore? He's found salvation between your thighs and he'd rather die before letting go

He tells you his new plan while you two are in the library, just like last time. He tells you he's done with the church, he's going to revoke his vows tonight with you by his side, and after he does you're going to deflower him, properly this time. No tricks, no incense, no prayer room. Just the two of you fucking till dawn

Now, he could just leave the church quietly but he wants it to be a spectacle. He wants to see the shock and horror on those priests faces when he spits out the name of his god. and he does, oh fuck does he ever. With you by his side Sydney calls for a surprise sermon, making sure everyone in the temple is watching as he grabs you by the collar and makes out with you. No more having to keep his lips to your cheek, no more hiding, no more fear!

He tells them all that he won't be coming back to the temple after today, so he might as well leave them with a bang. He pulls a list from his pocket and reads off every sinful act he's seen within the temple with places, dates, and names. He leaves you two's sins for last, letting you tell them all about your nights spent in the prayer room. The last words Sydney speaks to them are used to clear your name, sure you were to one who temped him but if he hadn't wanted sin in the first place neither of you would be here right now

Everyone is too shocked to even stop you two from leaving, the both of you strutting down to Elk street. You both make your way to the porn shop, inside waits a rose petal trail to a blow up mattress. Sydney says it's the best he could do on such short notice, or he tries to any way, it's hard to make out what he's saying with his tongue down your throat. You to have sex that night, real sober sex, and you finally get to deflower him

After that night Sydney's schedule changes quite a bit. Seeing as he doesn't go to church any more he spends his after school hours at the porn shop everyday. Just because he's no longer a man of faith doesn't mean he's any less of a hard worker. He pours his heart and soul into making new and exciting toys for the lovely little sinners of this town, making sure to give them all a little test drive on you, of course

If you're in any sex work he also asks you for new ideas or needs in the market that haven't been met yet. He takes every cretic and suggestion from you seriously, even the ones you meant as a joke (Something something balloon dildo, that anon still haunts my nightmares) but he makes all of them work great!

His favorite toys to test are vibes because to get a good idea of how long their battery life lasts and how good the vibrations are he makes sure to wear them all day, he even measures their orgasms per minute, he's very through. He loves the ones with remote controls the most because then he can give them to you to fiddle with during class

I haven't played too much of the game so if there's any questions I left unanswered feel free to let me know and I'll make an addendum. Also yes, I've been trapped in your walls for sometime now. Let me out, please? I'll give you forehead kisses, and uh...cookies?

👀 OH I LOVE THAT!!! Sydney deserves to make out with you in front of the entire church and then leave for good >:3c And him putting all that work ethic into the store and testing toys and !!!!! it's all so good!!!!

Enticing me with forehead kisses and cookies.... you drive a hard bargain, but okay. You're allowed out of the walls :3c

[differentalpacafestival]

Life Fucking Sucks

Today's breakdown. I'm not sure if it's a meltdown as I still don't understand what a meltdown entails, but I cried. A lot.

It started yesterday when I got up. I'm not studying, and I'm unemployed due to my disabilities, one of which being autism.

So I didn't get up until noon, coinsidentally after my mom went to take a nap. She didn't get up until 4pm (which is a normal lenght nap for her, being almost 60 and disabled), and said her niece was talking about calling. She said it wasn't a guarantee, and she had to eat and properly wake up before doing anything anyway. I asked her if she wanted to go to an all-purpose store, I think it could compare to Target just smaller; Rusta. Then my cousin called, and they didn't hang up until around 7pm, about two hours before closing. Now, we live about half hour away from the closest store, and we like to just stroll and look at everything when in a store like Rusta since they have so many different things. So we decided that we would wait until today.

Que today. About an (two now, I'm just proof-reading) hour ago, actually. Me being my empathetic, autistic self, I've cared for a house fly that got stuck in glue these last two days, and today, she was gone. I don't know if she's dead, but she liked to roam around and hide, and after looking where I left her yesterday, she wasn't there. So this made me a little upset because she had so much personality, and due to the glue, she couldn't fly anymore. Her wings got folded and I couldn't fix them, which is why I cared for her in the first place. Anyhow, when I went to the bathroom, I saw my first pet fly whom I thought to be dead for like two weeks now, so I felt a little better seeing her still alive. You see, she, too, has an injury where her right wing looks to be broken at the joint - it sticks out instead of along her body. This makes her easily recognizable, plus she is also very affectionate (I don't know, nor care if this is even possible, but she was stuck to my hand for an entire day, even when I moved and ate.)

Then my mom asked if I could try to get ready to go by 4pm; half an hour. 3:45 we were ready, so my mom called to my brother (who also isn't studying and currently unemployed) that we were leaving. This POS decided he wanted to tag along. He is the typical stereotype of a gamer; Headset hair, up all night playing online, yelling into the microphone, and rarely gets out of his room. As if this wasn't enough, the two of them went to the store two days ago, so I had absolutely no reason to expect him joining. This wouldn't necessarily be an issue if we didn't have an insanely small car for a 6"3 dude and two overweight people - Hyundai i20 2012. I also need music at least one way (to or from,) to which my brother detests with his whole being as he is overstimulated by music. Now, you might think to yourself "Why don't you just wear a headset or earplugs?" - Because they overstimulate me. The only way for all of us to be comfortable, is if me and my brother isn't in the car at the same time. So when he said he was also coming, I broke. Well, actually, first I panicked, frantically looked for earplugs to no avail, then I broke. I went back out to grab my things from the car and told them I couldn't handle the entire drive without music so I was staying home. My mom followed me back inside and asked if I couldn't just use her earplugs - ew - and I explained to her that I just can't bring myself to. It's so hard to try to explain sensory overload and the need for a plan, even if I can't control everything, to someone who doesn't work the same way. The problem, I told her, is that I was prepared for just the two of us; I wanted it to be just the two of us. We have a very sarcastic relationship, calling each other bitch and whatnot, so when I back out all of a sudden - especially when the whole reason any of us were going in the first place, was because I wanted to - while crying, and being honest, she knows it's serious. So she suggested that we leave tomorrow instead, just the two of us, because she is expecting a package that needs to be picked up. With that, they left, and I sat here crying non stop for an hour before I figured it might help to write it down. Now every time I look at the clock in the living room, I cry knowing I couldv'e been at Rusta, or singing with my mom in the car to Queen.

I want to blame this on my brother since he knows I need music and still decided to join; but I know he also has autism, even though he's not diagnosed (I am, and our primary doctor suggested he might benefit from seeing a specialist too, but bro is too worried people will then treat him the way he has treated other autistics, so he refuses) and therefore also has his sensory needs. I have no idea, still, why he acted to impulsively.

I've stopped crying and calmed down, but I'm still not okay. This completely ruined my day, and I suspect the shit from earlier this year is also catching up and attacked when I was at my weakest.

My aunt died in May from years of treatment and chemo for cancer, was given her terminal date and beat that by another month or so

My dad's cousin's husband (whom I truly look at as my uncle) also got diagnosed recently with cancer and doctors say he'll be lucky to make it to the end of the year. He was in horrible shape for three months before a doctor took him seriously (he also hid his pain extremely well) and then discovered a cancer in his lymph nodes that had severely progressed and could no longer be safely operated on.

My best friend's house was put to foreclosure as both her parents fucking suck at financials, and her dad is literally over 5 million in debt and proceeded to fucking burn the letter sent to his wife warning about this (since she also pays for the house,) causing both of them to get sued for not paying, so my best friend had to loan a million to buy her own house back and is now the sole owner. Her sketchy ass boyfriend also proposed and they're engaged.

My cousin's son was visiting in Spain and got attacked by some scam artists when he refused to bite into their scheme. He has been in and out of the hospital since he got back home in April. Police in Spain, as far as I understood from my mother's rambling, did nothing about the scammers.

My other cousin was wanted for months for multiple crimes including growing weed, car theft, running from police and a possible accomplice to murder, and then fucking decided to move to Spain (thus causing his nephew to get attacked), and posponed selling his house to the tenants living there, talking to at least one other potential buyer who got his contact from his friends; our mutual cousin, and FINALLY deciding to sell to the tenants who had gotten a huge, risky loan just for that. I think that actually started last year, and he, just a month ago, agreed.

On top of all this, my own mental health has been really up and down all year with all this Israel-Gaza shit, and I still grieve from two losses in 2022. I think this was a long time coming, I just needed something to push me over the edge.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalks. Questions are always welcome, and I will see you all in the next episode o7

[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty great day. Like it was calm for the most part. And I got stuff done. It wasn't like exciting but it was nice.

After I finish my post last night James would come home within the hour. I think it took them longer because the Orioles did win. And it was very exciting. When they got back with Brandon they were so happy and they squeezed me and it was great. I was so happy for them. And we stayed up for a while just talking and they explain some stuff about baseball to me and then we went to sleep.

And it wasn't bad sleep. I just had very active dreams and I woke up a little confused. But that was fine. I woke up with my alarm and James was there and I told him I could not get up yet I felt so tired. And so it reset my alarm for 8:00 and tried to fall back asleep but I struggled. I at least laid there and dozed and felt a little bit better when I got up at 8:00.

I got cleaned up and got dressed and I left the house pretty quickly. I decided I would stop at McDonald's and get pancakes for breakfast. Which were fine. I was just a craving I had and I thought that they would be nice. And I was correct. Even though I was in line for a pretty long time. The drive-thru was just pretty slow today.

It was a nice day. A little chillier than I was expecting but I had my sweatshirt with me. I got to camp at 9:00 and I felt like I was pretty productive overall. I spent the first hour working on resetting my fibers boxes and cleaning up that space. And as I was finishing that Heather texted me so I was like oh I guess everyone's here now. So I went back down to the office and checked in. I was asked to design a poster and some graphics for our MWEE program. So I would spend the next like two and a half hours working on that. I had a lot of fun doing the poster. And we had some issues with the colors printing correctly. My oranges were coming up very red. But I think we got a good handle on it by the end. And I was just having a really good time listening to music and working on my computer. And I insisted on showing Joe and Lou in my poster design and Joe said that I obviously missed my calling but I told him I went to art school so we're actually using my degree properly. I thought that was funny. He also teased me for my handwriting though when he saw it on a piece of paper so you win some, you lose some.

I spent a really long time working on the MWEE graphics. We have these staffs that each group gets and I just think they are so ugly. Like they're falling apart for one and the signs just don't look good so I thought they would look better as flags and I spent a really long time designing the medallions and flags that I wanted to be on the staffs and then I had to repaint them which took me basically through the end of the day. I did take a little break in the middle but I'm not very good at taking breaks at camp right now. Like it's just kind of taking breaks randomly rather than one chunk. And I wasn't hungry because the pancakes were a lot of bread so I just went up to the art building and worked on all of my stuff up there.

I would have to bounce back and forth from the office to the art building a few times because I kept forgetting things or needing to print something differently. I even got to print on construction paper today which was new for me. But now I know how to do it so I can do it later without any help. We also discussed volunteers that are coming on Wednesday next week and some of the things that we can kind of take care of and hopefully knock out with their help. Moving furniture and cleaning up spaces. I really want to organize Hudson Bay so I'm hoping I can start that on Tuesday and have a plan for when the people come on Wednesday.

It was fun though. I liked being productive and we didn't get as many things done on my list as I was hoping but we got a lot. We had a lot of things that had to get done from the golf tournament yesterday and Sarah was doing a lot of credit card receipts and scanning and organizing documents which I'm really glad she has a handle on that because I think I would have gotten confused with all the numbers. So I was really glad that she's good at that. And we would be texting from across the office every once in awhile. Just being like what are you doing what's going on over there??

I would be up in the art feeling a lot of the time though just painting the sticks and waiting for it to dry and listening to music. The wedding that is happening this weekend came like 3 hours early which was a little strange but it's fine. The only thing I didn't like was that I think they went in my building when I had gone down to the office because I came back up in the door was open and it smelled like potty odor or onions or something very strongly. I turned on all the fans but it was gross. And I don't understand what could have happened that left that smell. Very bizarre.

Around 3:30 I really ran out of stuff that I could do because the paint was drying and I had everything else prepped and ready to put together for when it was dry but I might still need to do one more coat of paint. So I went back down to the office and talked to Heather for a bit. She had printed some of the posters that I had made and Elizabeth had some edits she wanted to make real quick before we printed anymore. And once those were done I took a few to take downtown and Heather said that it seems to be time for me to go. And honestly she was right cuz I was really tired and I didn't really think I could accomplish anything else today. So I said goodbye to everyone and I got my stuff and I headed out.

I really wanted to go to the Amish market. That was my big plan for the afternoon and I'm really glad that I stuck to it. I got over there and I walked around and I looked at all the gemstones like I love doing every time. And then I went and got two milkshakes and two pretzels. Because the nice thing about that place is if you buy a milkshake you get a free pretzel. So I got James a pumpkin milkshake and I got myself an apple pie milkshake. James had asked me to get them a special pumpkin treat and I thought that was a good one. And the girls were very nice that made it. And I went over to the grocery store area and I got pasta shells because we haven't been able to find them like anywhere. And I got mini red velvet whoopie pies. I was going to get regular red velvet would be pies but the girl in front of me got the last ones so I got the mini ones instead. Which is fine I don't really care. The girl at the counter seemed a little confused when I told her that we couldn't find stuffed shell pastas anywhere and she was like oh neat.

Lastly I went and got deviled eggs because I love those and then it was time to go home. for real this time. I was thinking about stopping at Target but I really did not want to anymore and I had the milkshakes and I didn't want them to get two melty. People were really stupid in the parking lot but I made it out without hitting anyone. A truck did try to hit me when I was on the road but we avoided that and it was fine.

I got home in about 20 minutes and James was right there when I got home and I was so happy to see them and I had a big package because I bought this very silly Halloween costume. If it's James better than it fits me but I think it'll be very funny More for camp than actually wearing it for Halloween but it's just too good and I couldn't pass it up.

As James was trying it on so I could take a picture of them their cousin called that they were downstairs so James wouldn't answered the door in the bear costume. And they would bring Drew and his friend whose name I think was Parker up and it was so nice to see Drew. And Parker was very sweet. Very excited to meet sweetp. And while they were all talking I went and grabbed my little baby mouse who seems to be doing okay but is very crispy. And I rinsed him off which he yelled about the whole time. I think it's just cuz he doesn't like to be cold but he cannot be crispy. It's not good for him. So I cleaned him up and I tried them off a little bit and put him back in the tank. Sweetp has been entirely too interested in the tank tonight. Just sitting and staring at it. I haven't covered with a scarf but he can hear him now so it's not great. He has not broken into the studio yet when we keep the doors closed though so I'm not that worried but I am still kind of like annoyed because I want him to leave the box alone.

I am trying to leave baby mouse alone as much as I can. I feed him and then I put him back I wash them off I feed him I put him back in. He seems to be doing okay but I worry about him and in the next week or so we'll really have to decide what kind of setup he's going to get at camp if he is going to continue to be alive. So far so good. I want him to stay alive. My most ideal situation would be to release him but I don't think he could care for himself. He doesn't know how to clean himself and he's not eating solid food yet so. I'll try probably to set up some kind of enclosure for him at camp and we'll see what happens.

James left for the baseball game with Drew. Even after winning the championship last night there are still more postseason games to play apparently. And now it seems like James feels like it's less steaks so they can just go and have fun. And they just told me they are having a lot of fun and that made me very happy.

Well they've been out having fun I have been here rotting in bed. I am so tired. I have been thinking about stuff from today though like when Chloe came in to the office at the end and asked if anyone wanted to sign up to take a pottery class with her and I was like yes absolutely So she's going to send me in the information and I might be taking a pottery class on Wednesday nights for the next couple months and I would love that. I have been saying I wanted to take a pottery class again for literally years and I think that this was just the perfect opportunity. And I get to take it with Chloe who I already really enjoy?! Perfect situation.

I took a bath and that made me feel a little bit better. I'm still pretty tired but I'm not freezing anymore so I'm not as miserable. I just put on a documentary and I'm going to watch that and James will probably be home by the time that's over. And then tomorrow we're going to the Renaissance festival. I'm really excited.

We're going to leave here probably around 9:00 and the gates open at 10:00. Just should meet us there around that time. And I just hope that we have a blast. I have no expectations for tomorrow. I think I'm going to look at the website for a little bit and see if there's anything that I really want to see. Maybe a show. But mostly I'm just excited to go and walk around and see all the people. I hope that it is a really fun day.

I hope that you all have a really nice night tonight and sleep really well. Good night. Until next time too

[j-a-smiths-blog]

1945 19Aug24: Chapter 232

Brownout

I haven't felt well since basically early hours of Sunday morning. My entire body aches and I have a fever and a cough. It's hard to tell if it's from being out in the hot and then while sweating sitting in the room with the fan on along with AC to cool down or... if I caught something from a kid running around the basketball tournament Saturday night.

Last night I was really weighing the options of if I should attend my appointment today... but when I woke up at 2am and wasn't able to sleep properly and having a bit of a hard time breathing I knew to cancel the appointment.

So we didn't go to Angeles City today... instead we, the wife and I, slept off a few on until almost 2 in the afternoon.

Now around 5 my wife asked me to driver her to goldilocks and then to her friends house so we can pick them up and drive them to another friend's house. That's when the sky revealed it didn't want to play tonight. As soon as I parked and the wife got across the street... bit globs of rain started to smack off my windshield. Within seconds harder rain fell and then the lighting and thunder... one big thunder roll cause the electricity to Bataan to trip... so we are currently in a brown out for a little over 2.5 hours. No idea when it will be restored.

I don't really feel well right now but I knew I had to write so that is why I am writing now. Hopefully electricity will come on soon as I am lucky not to be sweating yet...

Hahahah speak of the gods! Electricity just came on!

2335: update... soon after I posted this the electricity went out again and didn't come back on until 1015ish. At that time my wife was calling for me to go taxi people home from their party. First up the Londoners... got to meet Ian for a brief car ride, then I went back to get my wife, and two of her friends and each of them had a kid.

[vexxerveesvoice]

The Kabbalah of Writing: Chapter Two Writing Exercises

As a Jewish writer, I've been wanting to explore more about how to connect my writing to my spiritual and religious practices. As a first step towards this, once a week I will be responding to each of the writing exercises provided in Sherri Mandell's The Kabbalah of Writing. For the sake of being careful of copyright, I will not be posting the questions themselves. I encourage fellow Jewish writers to follow along.

The remodel is finally closing in on its final days, so we've started putting our belongings back into the new kitchen cabinets. This gave me the opportunity to unearth the boxes of my kitchen supplies from my old apartment, which I hadn't seen in almost a year. I gently removed each item, considered whether to keep it, and either re-homed it into its rightful spot in the kitchen or an extra moving box, to be given away. The simple act acknowledged the space as part of our home again, as no longer separate and forbidden.

I marched along underneath the dripping wet evergreens, a rhythmic thump and squelch of wet pine needles resounding from every step. Birds faintly chattered while the din of traffic droned on in the distance and planes rushed by overhead. This little segment of forest, filled with sword ferns and salal, is the farthest from civilization one is likely to get in the county. The trail was filled with the smell of decomposing leaves and ripening blackberries. Fresh, baby-green sprouts of new salal plants budded from the ground alongside purple and yellow wildflowers, huckleberry bushes unseasonably full of ripe fruit, and the occasional European slug.

I carve out a tiny portion of our newly renovated kitchen to serve as a hub for coffee and tea. A portion of myself spread out across a narrow cabinet and shallow drawers, I hoard supplies alongside the beans and leaves themselves. The flavors likely seep into each other - I don't properly store them in separate, airtight tins like you're supposed to - but that's alright. They still taste beautiful.

My body did not allow me to shower last night. I wanted to, desperately. I wanted to wipe off the grime and dried sweat from the day that had passed, to brush the food and plaque from my teeth, but my body would not allow it. Instead, I lay curled over my sheets, doom scrolling through YouTube as headline news items poked my mind from all sides. I could not shower last night and today, I am exhausted. I am distracted and dirty. I want to break through the physical barrier of depression, to breach my head above the waterline of the lake drowning me, but it's difficult with the seaweed curling around my legs and wrenching me downward, down down down into quietness and stillness and understimulation.

COVID-19 is not over. Not for me, not for anyone else who is disabled, not for anyone properly paying attention. COVID-19 is not over, but my town treats life as if it is, breathing into each others' faces and gathering in crowds, encouraging tourists to visit our mediocre-at-best bakery we're somehow famous for. COVID-19 is not over, but I have to pretend it is, despite the severe danger to my health, because otherwise I wouldn't be allowed to participate in community theater or eat with my family. I religiously cover my face, wash my hands, switch out my filters and while I've never gotten sick, it's only a matter of time, and G-d knows how my body will respond (or if I'll survive the encounter).

The most recent time I felt shame was when I had to leave a job over how it was impacting one of my disabilities. I was in my first year of graduate school and couldn't walk without the assistance of forearm crutches from how intensely I felt pain along my spine and in my legs. We still don't know why I was in so much pain. About halfway through the quarter, my pain became so overwhelming that it was no longer safe for me to drive, so I had to transition to online learning and quit my job, since it could not be done remotely. I couldn't give proper warning, nor could I accept the offer my supervisors extended to me to come back later, since I was unsure if or whether my status would improve. It was suffocating. I was living alone in a one-bedroom apartment, unable to care for myself properly, unable to cross a room without a cane. I'd been a captain of my undergraduate color guard team for three years. This felt like my body betraying me. To my former supervisor: I'm so sorry I couldn't give you proper warning. I know it was unprofessional and I know it made your job and the jobs of my peers more difficult. Thank you for being patient and understanding and extending olive branches to me even when you didn't have to. I wish I could have stayed, because I truly enjoyed that position, but my health would only decline over the course of that year. I don't have much else to say, other than I'm sorry. I hope you're doing well. To my shame: I promise you things get better. Your terrible partner breaks up with you, setting you free. You grow roots back in your home town. Your pain improves, although no one is sure why. It is not your fault that your body broke down the way it did, and it's not your fault that you had to leave your job. You did what you could and you were responsible. Thank you for reminding me of what is important, but it's time to let go now. What's happened has happened and it's okay now. From my shame: You were inconsiderate of others in placing your needs above the needs of the whole. Was it really that necessary to leave so suddenly? I have my doubts. We needed to hide after what you did. We still need to hide. You left a mess in your wake and ignored efforts to care for it. I'm not ready to be left behind.

It takes a lot to make me truly angry. Annoyed? Sure, I feel that frequently. But red-hot, fuming angry? That's uncommon. I think what really gets me is when others display a blatant disregard for the health, safety, and wellbeing of those around them. A driver swerving between lanes, a parent ignoring their sobbing child, someone smoking at a bus stop. These examples may not be comparable to each other, but the underlying theme is. In these types of situations, I feel upset for my own sake, but more so I feel upset for others around me also impacted by reckless or damaging behavior. I don't often have the chance to do something about these situations - not that I would have the bravery to approach a stranger about their behavior in the first place - so I'm usually not able to do anything about it or enact change, and that irks me.

I don't use the name my parents gave me. It felt too feminine, enclosing, like it was a sentencing for something that wasn't me. My name is androgynous and fairly uncommon, since it's an unusual shortening of many common names. I won't share much information about my name because I don't want to connect my real name to this account, but it feels like home.

I wish I knew more about boating and being on the water. I live near an environment rich with marine life (human and otherwise), but I rarely have the chance to get out on the water because my family doesn't own a boat and can't afford one. I like the idea of knowing more about space and astrophysics, but I think the reality of learning about those things isn't quite as magical as we often make them out to be, so I'm not sure I'll really learn about them. I'd also love to learn how to use an espresso machine and use syrups to make drinks, because I'm so terrible at it and I feel like it would be easier to write cafe scenes if I knew more about what was going on behind the counter.

I wouldn't say inspiration has played as much a role in my life as spontaneity has. I frequently experience spontaneous desires to do an activity or try something new, which often leads to interesting and well-worth-it places, but inspiration hasn't made as frequent of an appearance in my life.

My favorite quote, which has gotten me through a lot, is "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened," by Dr. Seuss.

I don't dream often, so I'll answer this prompt focusing on a repeating nightmare from my childhood instead. I tend to think of it as a stress dream, because sometimes it will reappear when I'm under significant amounts of stress. The dream begins on an empty suburb street, entirely gray, with perfectly identical manicured lawns and porches and no cars in the driveways. A small girl will knock on one of the front doors, holding a perfect little flower in one of her hands. When the door opens, the scene switches to color as bright, writhing, bloody, uncontrollably pounding viscera seethe across the entire view of the scene. These scenes repeat over and over again for the entire night, or until I wake up. I interpret this now as a symbol for my discomfort with lack of control and fear of the trauma and violence inherent in portions of my home life. I don't think there's much more that can be explored in that dream, to be honest.

[letterstomyex]

May 30, 2024

My dearest S,

Today I woke up very late. I woke up at 7 am, the way I have been doing for a few days now, then went back to sleep. By the time I woke up again, it was past noon. My period is once again in full swing as I decided to stop taking my birth control pills cold turkey. Well, it wasn’t so much a decision as it was an inability to stick to my routine. I momentarily sat down with my dog and pet him, then I went outside and laid in the sun on the cold concrete porch until I decided I looked silly and went back inside. My bedroom awaited me, bed unmade and unwashed, temporarily dark due to the clouds. The window is slightly open, and the room smells of oil paint and paint thinner. Some of my favorite paint brushes sit in a container of thinner, over a week since they were last properly cleaned. This is probably their demise.

One week ago you and I were still each other’s “baby.” This was recognized through text and through the phone call I thought we would have that night. One week ago today you gave me words of encouragement as you got ready for work and I went through my third job interview of the month. One week ago today you told me about the flyer that was made for the show you’re playing in a couple of months, the show we had planned months ago that I would be at. You told me about how encouraging your work friends were about your album that would be released the following day. You told me about the loose plans you and them had to go out and celebrate it after work. I took this with a pang of jealousy, knowing the celebration I was supposed to drive to you for would now be happening without me, and you were once again putting me to the side. “It’s okay,” I thought to myself, “this is only a weird phase and soon enough he will settle back into a good balance between me and all of the other things in his life.”

Today, I sit in my bed, hour after hour with nothing to do. The birds sing and the sun shines mercilessly outside my shut blinds. I am no longer within any right to expect an update on your day. I try to opt out of using social media, yet find myself logging into my more innocuous accounts to look at your stories. I ponder whether continuing this way is best for us, or if I should put myself to the side once again in order to fulfill your wants of staying present in each other’s lives. Yesterday was my first day without hearing from you at all, since October of 2022, and today isn’t any easier. I am unable to listen to any music, as everything I like is likely to remind me of you in some capacity. The items that decorate my room and the ones that sit on the ground and out of place, I can’t interact with, because so many of them you gave to me or I bought alongside you. I can’t do my laundry without thinking of the time you stayed on the phone with me while I walked in the rain to get my laundry. I can’t shower without thinking about the last shower I took in your house, feeling empty and weighed down by a heavy sense of impending doom.

The books sitting on my coffee table that my siblings used in Sunday school only remind me of the way I was planning on converting to your religion, making myself the best fit possible for your life. My most recent favorite band, that previously provided nothing but comfort, only reminds me of the second to last drive I made to your town. It was the most frustrating drive I have ever made in my life. Long, rainy, dreary for no reason. I got through five albums from said band’s discography.

Yet, despite the memories of what it felt like to be stuck in rainy traffic, crying my eyes out because I just wanted to make it into your arms, I would give up all of my belongings to be making that drive again. I would rewind to that time in our lives over and over again, as it was a time in which I felt nothing but hope for our future, your love and care and sweetness awaiting me. I wouldn’t mind being permanently stuck in the latter half of my junior year of college on a loop for all of eternity if it meant you were there to catch me and hold me and tell me you love me at every fall. I would do anything to be your perfect dream girl, your cheerleader, your true love. And you seem to think I have, but if I truly had, you would be fighting for us. If you loved me the way you said you did, you would have never given up on me.

Love, M.

[thenighttcat]

☢️ November last year

It is at our lowest points that we are open to the greatest change

There is really nothing that I can control. Life with God is lived moment by moment. You can't decide what's going to happen next. The only way forward is one step at a time, and keeping your eyes fixed on Jesus, or else the waves will fast swallow you, and you shall be destroyed in the storm.

There is an impenetrable wall that stands between me and my childhood. However hard I try, there is no way to recall what it feels like to be a child. Yet every so often, a tiny glimpse, a little peek, would creep up on me unaware. It could while trudging home from work on a plain evening, or when staring out at the passing streetlights on a quiet drive along an empty highway. But those flashes of the past are always ever so tiny that I can hardly grasp them before they slip quickly away again. They will not be contained or stored.

Though I may be timid, there resides a fighter within me who doesn't back down and wants to win. Who thrives in conflict. He has been shoved down and stashed away for so long that I don't know if any breath remains in him. Keep the peace, they say, but I don't want to. Cordiality is worthless. Suffocating and inauthentic. All this tip-toeing is killing me. Why not stamp down hard on the ice and feel the icy water soak through your spine? Let your blood freeze.

The thing about growing up is that you have to be your own adult. No one is going to make you do what you dislike that is good for you. It's time to grow up, so I've told myself time and time again. Yet I'm still such a child.

Self-mastery. Full autonomy. Needing nothing.

Boredom: demanding satisfaction and excitement from something outside of ourselves. Not centered.

D minor. Walking through a desolate carnival in the moonlight. Wind sweeps through the tents and abandoned rides. It's so cold tonight.

Life is short, eternity is long.

Received a letter from my sister today. First time receiving anything from her in years. First time receiving anything in years. It was much easeir to get by cutting her out. But reading the letter today made me a great deal sad. It came like a flood and left me speechless.

Now that my sister is out of town the green and purple Yakult flavours are exclusively mine.

Had a panic attack at Uniqlo today. Fitting room, small brightly-lit rectangle. Collapsed onto the floor and started sobbing. Grown man sobbing in a Uniqlo fitting room. That's downright disrespectable. But behind closed doors, who would know? Wonder how people behave behind closed doors when no one is watching.

There are songs that make us be at place we've never been, that make us feel feelings we have never felt. They make life seem special, even if for a brief fleeting moment.  These are the songs that I treat as precious and so avoid listening too much, yet can't help but circle back to again and again.

The airport used to feel magical during those annual holidays, or the trips we made there during nights out in navy school. Right now, it's completely functional. Not a place to linger but to pass through as quickly and efficiently as possible. The magic is long lost.

On writing. Go somewhere else to write - away from everybody and everything, your own secret space. Give your permission not to write. Just sit there and stare into space, and eventually you will somehow write a little bit here and there. You don't have to keep writing.

Another colleague leaving the company. Heartache. It's so stupid, feel like an over-attached clown. Why care about people who don't give a fig about me? This frantic crossing and diverging of paths is what makes modern life so desperately empty.

Joseph came over today for Pilates, jamming and literally hanging out - just sitting around and doing nothing. He frustrates me sometimes - he eats messily, rushes from place to place, speaks at an astounding wpm that it can be quite hard to keep up, and often doesn't listen properly. Yet having him as a friend is one of the little constants that makes life make sense.

Always pursuing new highs, wandering down weary and restless paths. Always travelling, never stopping, forever coming short. When will this circus end?

The hardest time of the day is the little sliver of time between the end of the day and going to bed. You really want to do something before going to sleep, because you know the next thing that's going to happen is the alarm clock ringing, and the dawn of a new day.

Found myself in a meeting surrounded by confident, outspoken ladies. Super intimidated. It's like the gender imbalance has been flipped on me. Balls shriveling.

Tired of this world and its phony human interactions. Flattery on one side and gossip on the other. People tearing down people. Speak the truth in love, build another up with words of encouragement. Feels so far-fetched.

Ascended to the 20th floor of a HDB block in Chinatown today. Narrow corridors. Leaned over the parapet and stared straight down, feeling my legs grow jelly. What must it be like to leap off from such a height and feel the world rushing at you at sixteen million kilometres per hour.

[johnonyekachi]

Ministers of the gospel please take care of yourself.

There's no overemphasizing the fact that as an adult you have the exclusive responsibility of taking proper care of your body.

Don't forget that your body provides the system which earns you the legitimacy to function or participate in this world. You need to be human before you can legitimately do dealings here.

The moment a person dies, his spirit (soul) departs the body and subsequently, his right to do business here on earth ends.

You are the caretaker of your body. And you are no use to the world and to God if you are dead.

I'm especially reaching out to fellow ministers of the gospel (especially those who are still single with no form of restraint to their sacrifice for the ministry). While you labour passionately to win the lost world to Jesus and advance God's plans and purposes around the world, please also give the same diligence and passion to caring for yourself.

I've often heard Pastor Chris Oyakhilome advice ministers to ensure by all means that they stay alive for the sake of the gospel and the plan of God for their ministries and the world.

God will look for someone else to continue your work if you die. So, as much as it lies within your abilities, ensure you are alive and healthy.

I've heard and read several stories of dear ministers of the gospel who died while carrying out their ministry duties. I've also heard about those who collapsed and died while preaching. I didn't just imagine how that could happen to me.

In my mind, I have a much smaller ministry with less busy schedule than these people. However, I failed to realize that the passion for ministry that drives every genuine minister of the gospel is the same every where.

Maybe this is the main reason some denominations insist that a minister must be married before he/she can be ordained into ministry. This is to ensure that the minister is effectively taken care of while he/she takes care of God's work.

So, last week, I had crusades back to back. From Monday, 18th to Wednesday, 20th, then another one from 20th to 22nd. These were all out door night programs.

Because of the harmattan, it is usually very cold at night, and this is the condition under which I ministered throughout this crusade. The worst part of it all was that I was not properly clothed for the occasion and I usually come home very late (once I got to my house by 3am).

Then came Friday, I started having the first symptom of health breakdown, but I ignored it and dragged myself to the crusade ground. I had to be there for my friend.

Saturday, I couldn't get up from the bed, and I live alone. I was so hungry, but I couldn't get up to prepare anything. Finally, I dragged myself to my friend's house, ate and had a good sleep before coming home.

Then, Sunday morning (24th), I pulled myself to Church trusting the Holy Spirit to help preach.

Everything was going fine because I was seated most of the time. But few minutes after I stood up to preach, the unusual happened.

I had never experienced anything like that before. But suddenly, my whole body began trembling and I felt no strength in my bones to carry me. I was going to collapse right in the middle of the sermon.

Immediately, I had to do the only reasonable thing I knew to do: get a seat up the platform and preach while sitting.

Our brethren had the greatest shock of their lives, nevertheless, I preached my heart out, even while seated.

After service, I came home, prepared something to eat, but had no appetite for the food. I took some drugs last night and thank God it subsided last night and I was able to sleep.

Today is Christmas, I'll be going to Church in a few minutes time, but I'm still on the bed feeling cold and my head seriously aching.

Now I understand the true meaning of the nursery rhymes we used to sing:

Some have food but cannot eat

Some can eat but have no food

We have food and we can eat

Glory be to God. Amen.

People of God, I have food but I'm just looking at the food and there's no appetite to eat it.

My health issue is not Satan's work. This is entirely my error. If I'd done the right thing to protect myself, this wouldn't have happened.

I've learned my lesson and I hope you have too.

Please, by all means, take care of your body. You are the custodian of your body. If you die, your ministry ends with you and someone else will have to pick up from where you left off.

Today is Christmas, while we celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, be reminded that Jesus died for us individually as well as collectively.

Take yourself out.

Treat yourself to a nice meal

Do something nice for yourself.

John Onyekachi

Communicating God's love