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enkisstories · 1 month ago

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Mutiny on the Steadfast - a Star Wars story

I just posted chapter 7 of Mutiny on the Steadfast. Recap: The First Order brainwashed Poe Dameron into thinking he is one of their officers, Rose and Finn are captured on the Steadfast and Hux, who came up with the brainwashing plan in the first place, is on parole after his treason.

I'm going to post the chapter in two parts on this blog, too.

Chapter 7, Part 1, follows Hux, his bodyguard/warden and Poe

“…waterpark right next to Niima. No, really! I’m not kidding you, Eleven. I’ve got this planned out, it’s something I’ve been working on and off for years now.”

Hux was talking uncharacteristically energetic, to the point where FN-11 was expecting the man’s hand to shoot up and start gesticulating any moment. Fittingly Hux had walked with the same fervor up until this moment. Now he slowed down when someone approached from the opposite direction of the floor.

“Greetings, General.”

“Hello, Kandia.”

Kandia’s half-grown assistant added a polite greeting of his own, then the duo had already walked past Hux and FN-11, minding their own business and leaving the other two to theirs.

Hux readjusted the strap of the backpack he was carrying, then tried to fall into his previous step again, from before the intelligence officers had startled him. To him this encounter felt surreal, seeing how Kandia and Lt. Kornsenf had been constants in his life after he had gotten exposed as the mole. Now their spheres were hardly touching anymore, as if all of the humiliations, the provocations and the shows of power in the interrogation chamber had happened in a different life, to different persons. But it had been real, the pain in his left leg was a reminder. Hux hadn’t thought about his injury for two days, as it had went from a constant thrumming to being nonexistent except for the occasional jolt after a sharp, sudden movement.

“A waterpark on Jakku”, FN-11 repeated.

“The ultimate triumph of civilization over nature”, Hux confirmed. “Human ingenuity and modern technology can make it happen.”

“It’s not how I imagined you after we’d have won the war”, the stormtrooper captain, who had known his General since that one had been six years old, admitted. “On second thought, it’s very much in character for you. I just got blindsided by perceiving you as “the General, future Grand-Marshall” instead of as yourself for so long.”

Hux nodded. There was no need for a reply, because FN-11 already spoke on:

“But this once again demonstrates why family ties are a bad idea. Your legacy pushes you towards the military, whereas the First Order would have to gain more from you being in engineering, maybe architecture, permanently.”

“I won’t be so busy anymore after we’ve eradicated the Resistance. There’ll always be conflicts, but I expect those to be small scale, safe to leave to subordinates. We’re no longer the juniors, Eleven, despite the imperials trying their best to keep us down. This is our world now, it’s time to act like it! To shape this galaxy to our vision!”

“Even at the cost of stopping our expansion? Not a challenge, genuinely interested.”

“That’s not a question I could comfortably answer before I’ve run some simulations. There’s a non-zero chance for it to be the case, though.”

It didn’t take long for the duo to run into another encounter, an even more unexpected one than the first: An instructor with a group of eight child cadets of which every capital ship had a few batches of. These particular children were aged five, and as such shouldn’t have been so close to the detention level. Their teacher was Lt. Kornsenf’s age, so hardly a child himself anymore, and shouldn’t have made such a critical mistake. FN-11 therefore presumed that everything was in order, and when he stopped the youth to inspect his credentials, the captain’s body language conveyed that it was just a routine check. Indeed the group turned out to have proper clearing to visit certain parts of this section as part of a field trip.

“Alright, go on”, FN-11 told the young instructor, instinctually smiling at him under his helmet, despite knowing full well that neither his mimic nor his voice would get relayed to his conversation partner. But then again, anything FN-11 would have wanted to convey, the youth already knew himself. This was the First Order, after all, where everyone knew their place and where everyone had a place. That last bit was important. When the world had not just left Trenay behind when he had been a child, but actively tried to remove him from itself, Rax and Hux snr. had swooped in out of seemingly nowhere, scorched Jakku in a major battle and swooped out again, but with Trenay, Archex and a number of other orphans in tow, to a land of regular meals, shelter and lessons in how they could protect their rights to all of that. Unlike FN-11, Hux remembered how wasteful Brendol and later Phasma had been with the lives of recruits – and also how he hadn’t used his power to stop at least Phasma from culling the ranks now and then. Anybody older than five was simply a “unit” to Hux, five being the magic barrier after which the younglings had suddenly learned how to hurt with words. It wasn’t that Hux hated children, but his willingness to engage with them drastically decreased the older they got. Of all of that FN-11 knew nothing; he was unaware of the legacy he had found himself in as Phasma’s successor, a position he was proud of.

One of the kindergarteners looked up.

“Why is the General wearing a backpack?” she asked.

The instructor flinched. Everything had went so well until this moment!

“Thirteen!” he yelped. “Don’t…!”

But it was too late. The General had already locked onto the child, bent down and launched the backpack at Thirteen. At least that was how it looked to the shocked instructor, when in truth the man had taken off his luggage in a perfectly civil manner. The youngling, coded C-13, wasn’t scared at all, and even less was she in danger.

Hux gave a backpack a nudge.

“Try to lift it, cadet!”

Thirteen reached out with both hands, grabbed the cloth and pulled. When that didn’t work, she lowered down, dragged the bag onto her knees and tried to push it up this way. The attempt resulted in a preschooler and a backpack rolling on the floor.

“It’s heavy!” Thirteen exclaimed.

“And?”

“Full”, the child said, a statement that her instructor elaborated on as: “Filled with many, many small items.”

“Many, many, many”, the child confirmed in a somber tone, still looking Hux into the eyes.

“That’s why I wear the backpack, because nobody can carry everything that’s inside of it in their hands”, Hux said, pleased with himself. He had successfully avoided answering the actual question: what the heck was he taking to what place in his backpack and to what end. The child had already forgotten it, wrapped up in the experience of getting tutored by a commanding officer.

The neck of a bottle had slipped out of the bag during the collision. Hux pulled it out completely before firmly tying the string shut again. The bottle contained a thick, yellow liquid, that screamed “I’m sweet” to the universe.

“Here! For being so observant. You’re a credit to the First Order.”

C-13 grabbed the gift tightly.

“And that’s why you know what to do with this, right?” FN-11 added to the General’s words.

“I will… share it with my squad?”

The stormtrooper captain patted the child’s head.

“One trooper’s victory is everyone’s victory. What one knows, everyone knows. We live and function as a unit. Impervious.”

C-13 nodded and then the group continued on their tour through the Steadfast.

FN-11 followed the children with his eyes for a couple of breaths.

“Do you remember the first time we had so much food and drink that we could share? I never expected to be one of the lucky ones!”

“Yes, I remember. After leaving Arkanis.”

FN-11 laughed. “Your mimic betrays that you are as happy about the loss of the bottle as the rugrat about having to share its contents. Really, Sir, the juice is better off in the bellies of our next generation than the originally intended recipients.”

“I told you before and will tell you again, Trenay, this isn’t about them, but about me”, Hux hissed. “Now let’s continue and get this done. I don’t think we’re likely to run into another… Oh. Hi, Poe.”

Really? Hux thought. After his torturers and a morning class they were now stumbling over Poe Dameron? Like, hell? What was this? A three kilometer by one and a half kilometer capital ship or a bloody messenger pigeon coop?!

“Have you somehow managed to get detention… again?”

“Not yet, but probably subconsciously working on it, as that seems to be how you guys remember me”, Poe replied. Then he saw the second bottle sticking out of Hux’ backpack. A juice bottle. A large bag. At the detention level…

“Are you feeding the prisoners out of turn?!” Poe gasped.

“No.”

“I need to check that.”

“Knock yourself out.”

Again the backpack got placed on the floor, and again its contents came under scrutiny. In addition to the bottle containing a juice rich in vitamins, the backpack contained a cooling/heating box for gel pads along with some actual gel pads, rub-on headache drops, basic patches and a small flask containing a skin sterilizer. Only bacta gel was missing from this portable home medicine cabinet.

“Painkillers?” Poe furrowed his brows. “I just passed Kandia on my stroll here. What you’re doing is diametral to her work. I don’t want to use the word sabotage, but…”

“They’re just very weak ones, for minor ailments, okay? Mint oil, c’mon!”

“Still…”

“They are hostages now”, Hux reminded his friend, the rules-abiding First Order General Poe Dameron. “We don’t want them to get infected or otherwise drop in value.”

“Are you also spending time with them? Reading them to sleep?”

“I couldn’t care less for them”, Hux said haughtily. “But they are important to a friend from when I was a spy.”

A friend… a rebel friend? Maybe one of the exact same group who had tortured Poe during his captivity? Anger welled up in the returned pilot and he shouted:

“You have a friend in the Resistance? You’re making yourself more suspicious by the minute!”

“He’s dead, okay? He’s dead and he won’t come back! EVER!” Hux shouted back.

“That sounds as if you didn’t want that friend of yours to come back.”

“We are… were enemies, after all.”

“And?”

“He was the absolute worst. Regurgitated their anarchistic believes with every breath. And yet… There was a bond of sorts.”

Poe could see how making even this simple, almost bereft of content, statement taxed his friend, so he nodded.

“Okay, I won’t press. If this is behind you, then it’s alright. And really, you caring for the pri… hostages is an honorable thing. Some of our peers relish in needless cruelty. I can’t say I find that in me.”

“Your performance at D’Qar begs to differ.”

“Did I hit the rebel-scum where it hurt?” Poe laughed. “I guess that wasn’t needless cruelty, then. Anyway, go honor your friend’s memory as long as you need to.”

With these words Poe turned around and left, his suspicion both confirmed and rendered insubstantial.

“I never saw you attached to another person, and now three?” FN-11 asked after Poe had vanished around a corner.

“I’m not. This is for my benefit, not the rebels’.” Hux shouldered his bag once again. “Having them around makes me feel good.”

“That’s still attachment.”

“If you talk back to me one more time, Trenay…!”

Hux’ hand reflexively reached for where his infamous modified SE-44C blaster should be tucked to his belt, but the weapon wasn’t there anymore, of course. In the following shock second FN-11 stretched out his arm. He grabbed Hux by the shoulder, turned the General half around himself, forced him to take two steps backwards and pinned him against the wall.

“No need to go full on Kylo Ren on me, General. You know I’m glad to have you back, but you must understand that I have to be cautious.”

“Look… I don’t claim that I came out of this unscathed. The rebel trio? Consider them scars that remain from a battle that very nearly led to my death.”

“Alright, that’s fair.” FN-11 let go again. “Are you going to get yourself the droid, too, to complete the set?”

“Maybe I will do that. I just shouldn’t let Poe see BB-8. It could spark memories that better remain suppressed.”

#armitage hux #general hux #poe dameron #star wars sequel trilogy #star wars #non sims

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squibo · 1 year ago

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love your art so much, I love seeing all of your sketch pages; they're fantastic! I was wondering, how do you sketch so much without getting hung up on each drawing? or maybe, what did you do in order to not get hung up and continue making many different drawings in many mediums? thank you for your time!

Aw thank youuu anon !!!!!!!!!!!! (*ˊ˘ˋ*)🤲｡♪:*+.♡

( ´_ゝ` ) o man I’ve been stuck on trying to give a response to your question anon because like the only times I’ve gotten hung up are when I draw a little face portrait that kinda sorta looks difficult for me😭

Like i just draw whatever on sketchbooks. when I start on a page to warm up or just loosen out my thoughts I don’t have perfection on my mind, I’m not trying to make a complete finish piece on a page yanno ……idk. I guess I just keep a clear empty thoughtless mind to keep the drawing momentum going. It’s just whatever pops into my mind i try to put down on paper. I was looking through my blog here since getting this ask, i was trampled by my realization of how I should try to take notes, though I was never one to take notes for myself. Okay the only two advices that I have kept in my mind since EVER I read from some artist online years ago said that if you are taking more thank 2 hours on a drawing just stop, move on to drawing something else or take a break. Best to take a break. Though in my case I keep drawing till I get close enough THEN I take a break….. or If I didn’t like it rip the section off throw it into the garage and then continue drawing something else. Second try to draw with pen any pen can suffice. But I think you’ve heard these two very common advices before already……

But again I just go for it when the thought strikes like with painting, don’t think on it to long. When I start planning on what colors to throw on a drawing I never follow through with the colors choices, but that’s on me😭 idk idk just try not to have a looming thought above your head. Yeah maybe that’s it don’t have that thought thats rummaging in your thought it’ll cloud you. Now I’m just throwing whatever the hell “advice” I got. Sorry anon I’m really not so good at giving out advices. But im happy if anything helps ya anon 😭💪

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zebulontheplanet · 1 year ago

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hi, question about your experience with regression if it is okay (not forcing)

you mentioned that speech gets worse/harder with no discernible reason. was wondering if when speech got worse, did it happen consistently? i have had a lot of things i worry might be regression but there is not much info i can find. with speech, it has overall gotten harder (at all times) and i feel like it is declining in general but i also have episodes where it is a lot worse and later returns to what it was before (before episode not before speech started getting worse).

i am wondering if you had anything like this. if not don't worry that's ok!! just curious

your blog is very helpful thank you very much have a nice day :]

/genuine question /not forcing

Hey! Thank you for the ask. For me, my speech has consistently gotten worse, however I do feel like I’ve had episodes where my speech is worse some days and better other days, however I do also believe I have an undiagnosed speech disorder that makes this the case aswell. The difference is that even on my good days I still struggle with speech.

Regression is complicated, and different for each person from my understanding. The big thing about regression is just as it sounds, you’re regressing in a skill(s). I’d also talk with your doctor if you’re able too, regression with autism can happen, but it’s best to check that something else isn’t happening just to be safe.

But yes, for me speech has overall gotten harder and I’m now very very inconsistent with my speech and struggle a lot. It’s been hard accepting it since I was fairly verbal before and it just continues to get worse for me.

I hope this all helps! Thank you for the ask.

#autism #semiverbal #speech struggles #medium support needs #actually autism #aac user

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hakirachan · 10 months ago

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Hey guys. Hakira here. Just a rant below the cut, read if you want. Or don’t. I don’t care.

I usually don’t vent on this blog. It’s mostly full of crack, shits and giggles, which is why you probably weren’t expecting this kind of post. But I just need to explain something in case I suddenly stop posting one day. (I know you guys probably don’t care; in fact, most of y’all probs won’t see this, but I needed to post this anyways. Sorry.) It’s kinda depressing so feel free to keep scrolling now that you know that.

So, I’m at a really shitty point in my life. It feels like everyone’s against me, like I’ve got almost nobody supporting me, and I feel like I’m hated by everyone I’ve ever looked up to. I know, sooo original. Well, it’s deeper than that.

I’m still living with my parents (somehow), but it’s always been pretty toxic ever since I was a kid. As the youngest, I can guarantee that the “youngest sibling is the favorite child, oldest gets all the work” stereotype is complete bullshit. I was told to do some things that kids that age shouldn’t have had to do. At just 6-7 years old, I was forced to take heavy bags & boxes (and I mean 40-50 pounds each) of my dad’s old shit down to the curb and wait there until they got picked up by his friend (“to make sure it didn’t get blown away” or something like that) in the middle of a fucking snowstorm, with temps below -10 degrees Fahrenheit [around -23 degrees Celsius]. Almost lost my fingers from that. They made me set out & pack up most things for a family campout on my own when I wasn’t even staying at the campsite; I was staying home with a mean, nicotine-addicted (took out a cigarette the moment my parents pulled out of the driveway; refused to stop smoking even though the smoke was making my 8-year-old body nauseous) babysitter because I had a B- in one of my classes. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but the problem is that I wasn’t even 10 when these things were happening. It’s not really anything too serious, but I was still basically ripped out of my childhood way too early. But, enough about my childhood; now my present life. I’ve relied on my friends for comfort for most of my life because of my dysfunctional home. Recently, though, my friends have become more distant and toxic. Spreading rumors, talking shit, leaving me out, and pulling pranks that go too far (like ruining the outfit I worked so hard to make the day before my band concert). I’ve only got three friends I trust; however, 2 of them I hardly talk to anymore (not because anything happened, we’ve just got different things going on in our lives). So, there’s only one real friend who’s always stuck with me. However, there’s nothing he can do about my family at home. As I said earlier, my family’s always been toxic and dysfunctional. It should have gotten better over the years, but no. It’s gotten worse. They’ve cussed me out, threatened me, and recently, I’ve even been a victim to some domestic violence. I talked to the cops about it, and to a lady from the state who deals with these kinds of things. However, since there were no visible marks and no proof of it, they couldn’t log it as abuse because they can’t just go off of what is said; they need some hard evidence to actually do anything. So, since I don’t have the money to move out of my parent’s house, I had to watch my only hope at escaping this mental and verbal (and now some physical) abuse quite literally walk out the door. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges for the longest time. And, I’m ashamed to admit it because I’ve talked so many people out of it irl, but recently I have been self-harming. Thing is, while I had helped so many other people, nobody ever helped me through these dark times in my life. In fact, some people (who I helped through their trauma) literally told me to self-harm and to just kill myself when I tried venting to them. I just can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t see the “bright side” anymore. There is no more “bright side” for me. I’m on the edge right now, literally. But I’ve got you guys to thank for getting me this far. Thank you so much for being here for me, even though I don’t usually vent, and you guys didn’t know what I’ve been going through up until now, so you weren’t actively trying to support me. Even so, thanks for appreciating me and not treating me like I’m more worthless than a dead plant. I love you all, and I hope you guys have great lives. So, if I change my mind, then I’ll see you guys later. If not…well, don’t mourn me, I’ll be in a better place. So long, guys. also im gonna give this a few days in case things get better (though let’s be honest, they’re probably not gonna) so don’t miss me just yet. If I’m gone for like, over a week, then you can assume I finally freed myself from this hell

shoutout to my mutuals, you guys are awesome and were great help to me (im not gonna pin you so you don’t feel obliged to read/reply to my dumb rant): dumb-mc-sheep cldhart08 acronym49 cricketproofreads im-an-angy-alpaca trash-opposum

And special shoutouts to my two fav mutuals (sorry other moots) @family-disappointment and @avatarofstars! You two were some of the greatest motivators for me to keep going. I’m sorry that your efforts (while unintentional) probably weren’t enough this time. I love you both and wish you both the best lives you can have! (And sorry for bothering you with the tag, just wanted you to see this last little note to you both💜)

This is Hakira, signing out.

#goodbye #i love you all #i wish you all the best #and im gonna miss you all #thank you guys for everything you’ve done for me.#this is Hakira signing out.#hakira rants

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twilightmalachite · 11 months ago

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MIRAGE - The Most Beautiful Mirror in the World 7

Author: Akira

Characters: Koga, Hinata

Translator: Mika Enstars

"Anyways. Yuuta’s a livin’, breathin’ minefield right now, so don’t go touchin’ him carelessly, ‘kay?"

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Winter

Location: Downtown

Koga: Oh. Ain’t that Yuuta over there by the convenience store?

What’s up with that guy… I take my eyes off him for a bit, and his hair’s already grown stupidly long… Well, I guess it’s for that “Aoi Byakuya” thing?

Huh, I feel like it’s been the first time in a while since I’ve seen him around downtown…

I dunno if it’s to suck up to the agency higher-ups, but it’s been all work, work, and more work with him.

You guys are usually always hauntin’ the premises, but not at all lately, huh?

Hinata: Haunting? Don’t make us sound like ghosts!

Koga: Huh… I’ve been nose-deep in thesauruses and stuff for songwritin’, so I think my vocabs gotten a little strange.

Hinata: That’s good, right~? Sakuma-senpai also has a pretty rich vocabulary. Sometimes I can’t even understand what he’s saying!

Koga: ‘Scuse me? Now tell me what’s exactly “good” about being similar to Sakuma-senpai?

Hinata: Jeez~, I can never tell what’ll set you off. It’s clear as day you’re influenced by him all the way down to your demeanor, but it’s crossing a line to say you’re similar to him…

Koga: I respect him, not ripping him off!

Hinata: Don’t see a difference, but okay~.

Hinata: More importantly, Yuuta-kun—Where is he? What’s he up to? He’s been leaving me on read for ages now so I don’t got a clue what he’s been up to…!

Koga: You guys get along, y’hear? You’re family after all.

Hinata: I’m packed full of determination to get along with my family, though! I even talk to my father on the phone regularly! Is it not good enough!?

Koga: You’re fine, you’re fine. Nobody’s accusin’ you of anythin’, you’re doin’ just fine.

If anythin’, you’re doin’ too fine. Worryin’ about a teenager’s mental well-being isn’t even the big brother’s job in the first place.

Hinata: But when it comes to Yuuta-kun, I need to look after every part of him!

Koga: Nobody’s askin’ ya to do that, y’know.

Anyways. Yuuta’s a livin’, breathin’ minefield right now, so don’t go touchin’ him carelessly, ‘kay?

Seems he’s just eatin’ some convenience store sweets with a friend, so there’s no reason to worry.

Seems like the atmosphere is good, don’t go ruinin’ it. I was a lot like Yuuta when I was in middle-school, so I feel like I can kinda understand him.

Like that the entire world was out to get me. Even kind words spoken to me felt agitating enough to ignite a fire.

At times like that, the people around me could only watch without interferin’.

Hinata: Hmm… I don’t want that~. I’m so worried.

In that case, Oogami-senpai, how did you figure out how to disable that minefield-mode?

Koga: Well, I discovered rock n’ roll. Or in other words, Sakuma-senpai.

I got completely hooked on it and focused desperately on brushin’ up my guitar skills. Before I knew it, all that frustration in my gut disappeared completely.

Hinata: I guess it went fine for you since you work pretty simply, Oogami-senpai… Maybe it’s ‘cuz my Yuuta-kun is very sensitive…?

Koga: Who the hell you callin’ a simple idiot, haah?

Ah, whatever. It ain’t my place to get all irritated at shit like that.

I can at least do that much, or well, that’s about all I can do.

Actually, you should be movin’ your hands, not your mouth, you idiot.

Hinata: Yessir! But why’re we rummaging bargain bins for old-timey CD sales anyways? Is there something on that CD you want?

In this age I feel it’d be easier and faster to just download them off the internet.

Koga: That’s what I usually do, but in this case, I need the physical CD.

I only vaguely remember it, but I recall this CD’s booklet havin’ an interview of a certain idol published in it…

These things aren’t usually posted on the web in their entirety, I think.

But it’s just a memory from when I was a little brat. It’s possible I’m just misrememberin’ things.

Hinata: Hmm… I’ve heard of this “certain idol” before though, and… I dunno, they don’t seem to be the type of idol you’d like, Oogami-senpai. Aren’t they sort of flashy?

Koga: It’s not that I like ‘em. It’s an old CD of this shallow idol that my parents had.

I wanted to listen to somethin’ new but had no money of my own back then, so I was like, “whatever, I’ll give it a try”.

Hinata: Don’t worry Oogami-senpai, I won’t make fun of you even if you were a fan of those cute glittery female idols as a little boy!

You don’t have to hide it!

Koga: I’m not hidin’ anythin, and we’re not even lookin’ for a female idols’ CD! What kind of person you tryna make me into, you bastard?

Koga: …Oh, here it is. Wow, really takes me back…

Idol from back then were always half-naked for some reason, huh. What the hell is this fashion sense?

Hinata: Oh I see, so this naughty CD was your sexual awakening, Oogami-senpai?

Koga: It ain’t naughty in the first place. This sorta thing was just considered artistic back then.

Anyways, give it a look. See the person on the cover?

Hinata: Nyooo~, my senior is trying to show me something naughtyyy~! I’m being harassed~! ♪

Koga: Cut that out. I’m not tryna joke around, this is relevant to you guys.

Hinata: To us? Wait, hold on… The person on the CD cover looks kinda familiar?

Isn’t this that one producer? He’s thicker now for sure, but that’s his face, isn’t it?

Koga: Yup. The same one that Yuuta’s been bad-mouthing indiscriminately, the “evil boss” that made you guys miserable.

Looks like he was definitely what one would consider to be a “top idol” back in the day.

‘Cause of that, they’re well-liked by all sorts of industry bigwigs, even though they’re a producer now.

[ ☆ ]

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#mirage #scout #translation #hinata aoi #koga oogami

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moonstruckme · 1 year ago

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sorry if this is like not okay but i just need to vent and your blog was the first place i thought of to do it because your fics just make me feel safe and seen:’) but spending time with my family for thanksgiving has been hard on me, i’ve been at my grandparents house since wednesday and i’ve just honestly felt my whole like life force just be slowly sucked out of me the whole time i’ve been here. i have only gotten 6 hours of sleep since wednesday and it’s just adding to my frustration and overstimulation of being around my family. my mom and younger brothers are here as well and like everyone just ignores me or talks over me or is mean the second i state my opinion or thoughts on anything. it’s like they all collectively agree to single me out and pick on me and it really hurts. i’ve been trying my hardest to not push back and blow up on them because i know if i do i’ll only be seen as the bad guy, but it just really sucks. i sat outside in the cold for half an hour this morning just so i could get away from them and cry. idk this whole thing just really fucking sucks and i wish i could just be cuddled by james, sirius, and remus right now:’)

I'm so so sorry you're dealing with that right now honey :((

Family can be really tough, especially because unlike our friends, they can often be people that we love but aren't necessarily compatible with, which I think makes figuring out how to navigate those relationships a million times more difficult. I'm not sure if you live away from your family, but for me, holidays became a lot more difficult after I started living on my own because I got so used to surrounding myself with people who thought and acted similarly to me. Going back to my hometown and being around my family (some of whom I have pretty sizeable moral differences with) is harder now because I just don't have a tolerance for that stuff like I did when I was around it all the time.

Of course, the fact that they seem to be treating you cruelly makes it even worse. Being talked over and made fun of are things I think people often consider harmless when they feel close to you, but that doesn't make them less hurtful when you're on the other end. I've been in those situations before, and for me it helped to remember the people who did genuinely value my opinion even if they weren't there at the time (making a list sometimes makes those people easier to recall, if you want). I don't know your family, but it might also be helpful to remember that people often show care in ways that just don't register with us. I had close family who I genuinely believed didn't care what happened to me until I started to notice that the things they did to show love were just so radically different from how I showed it that I'd never appreciated them. Not sure if that thought process is helpful for you, but thought I'd throw it out just in case.

I'm a deeply solution-oriented person, so I hope this doesn't come off as too preachy, it's just my instinct for how to try and help. But even if all you want is to be sad for a little while, that's completely understandable! It sounds like things are really sucking right now, but I hope they get better and more peaceful soon <33

#sending all my absolute best vibes your way!!#mae’s asks

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brick-a-doodle-do · 2 years ago

Text

I posted 1,658 times in 2022

That's 1,658 more posts than 2021!

313 posts created (19%)

1,345 posts reblogged (81%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@baka-monarch

@brick-a-doodle-do

@.utahlive

@beckyu

@data-expunged-0

I tagged 803 of my posts in 2022

#ask - 201 posts

#talking brick - 118 posts

#nmw - 105 posts

#g/t - 92 posts

#mcyt g/t - 77 posts

#mw - 68 posts

#ask game - 67 posts

#dsmp g/t - 60 posts

#dream smp g/t - 59 posts

#brickfic - 50 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#tbf this has nothing to do with anything cause it was the photo that looked like robert not dream himself but now dream does look like robe

My Top Posts in 2022:

Aha I’ve got something written! Finally! I’ve had this idea for a while and I finally got the motivation to put it on paper, and even more motivation to actually post it. If it does well I may turn it into an AU, but for now this is just a one shot. :]

Briefly read over, if you see any grammatical errors, nope, you don’t!

Curiosity Killed The Cat

_WC 2.4k

_TW: Mention of death, swearing

———————————————————————

Close-minded or not, the house was unsettling. It stood out like a bruise, its darkened color palette failing to blend in with the much warmer colors the rest of the street had. Various vines wrapped the house, some looking to come from the windows. Now, the house wouldn’t be as weird if it was abandoned, but someone clearly lived here. The only way to tell was through the way lights in different rooms would flip from on and off from time to time, but the point still stood — someone lived there.

Personally he hasn’t heard anyone speak of the resident leaving the home, so either they were fucking immune to eating, or some paranormal shit was happening.

Tommy had gotten hired as a newspaper boy a few weeks ago through a friend of his, who was looking for jobs himself but thought it would suit Tommy since it was primarily a quiet and easy job. He did enjoy it, sure, but it got boring.

He wanted some excitement, so excitement he decided upon.

He had tossed the second to last newspaper onto a porch when he was forced to face the dark house. There was no ominous streak of lightning when he gazed upon it’s curtained windows, but he swallowed as he looked at the growing pile of past papers. They were there when he originally got the job, so he wanted to make sure he could end the one-sided cycle before it got too overwhelming for the old house, and before it was too big of a collection; he really didn’t want to end up spending longer than he’s comfortable with while trying to clean.

He bit at the inside of his lips as he silently complained through his thoughts.

He scoffed at his worry and stepped onto the concrete path leading up to the house, at one point stepping on a flower he didn’t know could even begin to thrive on the nearly dead lawn.

Tommy placed his foot onto the first step leading up to the porch, applying pressure to make sure he wouldn’t fall through the damn thing. Once confirming he wouldn’t commit property damage, he climbed to the top slowly and crouched down to gaze at the papers covered in plastic. He brushed a bug off of one gently and picked it up, cringing at the date from two months ago.

He guessed that was the last time someone took the opportunity to clean it, since the entire street would’ve been bustling if someone came out of the door leading into the house. He took a plastic bag out of his pocket — Phil originally told him to bring it in case he decided to do what he was doing now, since he’d been bugging Tommy about it for a while now — and shook it a couple times to make it unfold. Once it did he started shoving papers in as quickly as he could, grabbing as much as four at a time while trying to make more room in the bag.

It filled up at about halfway through the newspaper, so he tied it and opened the flap of his satchel and began removing the other half. When his job was finished he stood up, plastic bag in hand as he prepared to leave. He got down one step before his phone buzzed a custom ringtone set for Tubbo only. He looked into the closest window of the house and muttered to himself, setting the bag down and sliding his satchel off. He took his phone from his hoodie pocket and unlocked his phone, scrolling through pages until he found the Discord app. He looked at the house again nervously while he waited for it to load.

tubbo Today at 8:27 AM

hey did u get to the house yet? is it still covered in the newspapers?

tommyinnit Today at 8:28 AM

yeah i just cleared it off

it’s creepy as fuck dude why’d you make me get this job??

tubbo Today at 8:28 AM

stfu

Tommy smiled slightly at his friend’s text, shutting his phone off and moving to grab both bags. When the light that once shined through one of the windows turned off, a wave of curiosity spread through him. The logical thing to do was run, but.. only satisfactory brought back the cat that died of curiosity, so clearly he should definitely be the biggest man and check it out so he can live to tell the tale of whatever he does find in there.

The bag and the satchel were rearranged to where they were hidden in a corner. He picked his phone up from where he’d set it down and he stepped onto the dull, flat welcome mat, where he felt through his hair for the bobby pin he kept in there for the usual event where he forgets his house key. Techno taught him when he was around four years old how to pick a lock, and ever since it’s his go-to thing to do, even if it’s when he’s breaking into Tubbo’s house because he hasn’t answered any texts.

He eventually found it and pulled it out slowly while being cautious of either dropping it or pulling his hair, then stretched it open so he could have a better grip on it. Tommy put it in the keyhole and pushed it around for a while, and let him say he was completely aware of every little noise that happened around him while he did it. He had to erase his progress once because he was convinced someone was coming outside across the street.

Once he did get it, though, it was only smooth sailing from there. He pocketed his phone and returned the bobby pin to his hair after fixing it, put his hand on the doorknob, and slowly turned it. The door opened with ease, and he sent one more glance behind himself before finally slipping in and shutting the door.

He turned around, prepared to start looking around, but he was only met with surroundings a good hundred times his size. In a panic he reached back, but he only hit the wooden door. He thought for a moment that he missed the knob but as he turned his head back he bit back a curse upon realizing the door had been scaled up just as much as the rest of the house.

“Fuck..” Tommy said in a whisper. He felt frozen in place while his eyes looked at every detail of the furniture, walls, floors, everything. He.. really let curiosity get the best of him, didn’t he?

The best plan of action was to find an exit, like a window. However, he couldn’t really do much when he was fucking small, now could he? Stressed, he ran a hand through his hair while he thought, every idea he had being pushed into the back of his mind like a crumpled piece of paper being thrown into the bin once it was deemed useless.

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88 notes - Posted July 19, 2022

not quite ready (i)

sup! wilbur chocolate au is here! fun fact: i wrote this while eating wilbur chocolate :DD (very good btw,,, some of my favorite chocolates even tho i don't rlly like chocolate)

okay just fyi this is a boring chapter—chapter two will definitely have a lot more angst. not to say this one doesn't, it definitely does.

alr, now have the fic >:))

tw !! ⚠️ mention of fatal vore/mouthplay, mention of vore, mention of su1c1de attempts, su1c1dal thoughts, mention/implication of dehumanization/mishandling of a humanoid, panic, swearing ⚠️ !!

words: 2180

—-—

There came a time, where the hope Wilbur had simply died down. It shattered to the ground, letting light for the intrusive, negative thoughts. They pushed any positivity firmly in the crevice of his mind, and never allowed them to simply take a look out. And because of this, there was no acceptance. He never would accept this hellhole of a home.

Essentially, a merry-go-round of hell, where every single fucking time a human comes by, they simply give him a hell-ride and walk off, not bothering to even notice the protests that come from his mouth. He still attempts them, despite knowing damn-well the type of store he’s in; if there is a human that steps foot into this building, they are looking for his kind. They’re looking simply for a treat. Wilbur, although he used to deny this, has finally come to terms with his ultimate fate, between two rows of teeth, completely content with shattering the bones and life of an innocent, who’s only flaw is a size not taller than a finger. Somehow, some way, it makes his life have a lesser value. And perhaps Wilbur has seen the truth to that statement.

So, Wilbur continues to sit, counting seconds among minutes in his head despite knowing full-well they were nothing but inaccurate to what the time truly was. But, with little but a pinhole for his source of light, and he woefully admits his breathing, he’s become plenty used to error in his technique of containing his sanity. Some days were more successful than others, where he simply paced along the rocky path the chocolates created, simply thinking and rethinking over his life, wandering down every metaphorical path, as if it could change the outcome of his current life. But, there are others, where he sits against the pinhole, with his knees curled firmly to his chest, and where his hands wrap them. Where he buries his head in his lap and simply sobs. And other, more exhilarating days, where he finds the wrath in him has become tired of sitting still and accompanies his grim thoughts.

Wilbur Soot will not deny that he absolutely despises his very existence. He loathes his size, barely the size of a human finger – making it next to futile for him to defend himself, and he often feels he’d find more peace dead than he will just simply sitting, taking in the void. Wilbur has wished so hard for it to end, but no matter how many thoughts begged the universe for it, he never got results. And he’s attempted to rid of himself, but each attempt ends in failure, where he’s forced to spend another day in an agonizing, miserable hell that is, what looks to be, a simple bag of candy. He wants it to be like that. But, alas, it is not. And he is very much still alive and sulking in the middle of the bag, just gazing at the miniscule hole, like it holds secrets he yearns to be revealed.

The lights were on – the hole was glowing a certain color that told him the store was open. Wilbur did not have a proper way of knowing how much time had passed and when, but he does understand the basics of a store. Lights on means it’s open, lights off means it’s closed. Simple.

A shadow passes the hole, blocking the light just slightly. Wilbur’s interest perks at this, but not enough to spark any kind of hope. He knows better than to assume the best for himself. He shifts his position slightly, leaning against the back of the wall as he continues to watch the small sample of the world he’s been given. Tire nags at his eyes, but he doesn’t dare sleep. Perhaps it’s because some part of him really does wonder, really does hope, that he’ll be getting out.

–

He’d first moved there not only to get away for a bit, but because he realized that his thoughts were starting to get to him. Constantly having intrusive and careful thoughts fighting in his mind, all while skimming the ground to ensure he wouldn’t be misstepping, was a task he did not enjoy. He holds no prejudice against the smaller beings, they are no less human than he, however it can get distressing to worry nearly every moment of the day where he’s doing a thing as simple as walking.

But, he finds that the streets of New York are unfortunately far more crowded than those in London. While trying to avoid hundreds of tourists coming at him eye-level, with the addition of tinies – it becomes overwhelming. Which is why one afternoon when he deemed himself frustrated and over-tired of worrying, he took temporary shelter in a store, located in a particularly odd part of town, yet still busy as normal.

It looked oddly isolated, like it was not meant to be seen by the public. He still managed to find it, though, so he wondered if it was that hidden. Bells chimed softly as he entered, almost startling the cashier in the back of the building. Tommy offered him a quick smile before he allowed himself to get lost in isles among isles, eyes scanning over the contents in the store. Ultimately, after he had circled the small store, he concluded bitterly that everything looked unfortunately unappetizing.

He returned to the middle of the store, grabbing mindlessly at a bag of Wilbur Chocolate. Hopefully he’ll feel up to eating it by the time he returns home. If he even makes it home without starting a crime scene.

Tommy ambled to the back corner, where the cashier sat at a stool, looking unusually alert of everything he did. Like he was noting it in the back of his mind. And he did not miss the small smirk under the man’s lips. Avoiding the odd look, he set the bag down on its side and patted himself for whatever money he had on him. “Ah, good choice,” The man said. Tommy nodded.

“Twenty dollars and twenty-six cents.”

Tommy’s eyes widened. “Twenty dollars? For that?”

Something in the cashier’s eyes shifted, and his smirk returned, this time far more curious. He raised his brow and said, “They aren’t exactly cheap, sir. I can’t go giving them out for free,”

“The…. chocolates?”

The man huffed in amusement, nodding. “Sure, the chocolates.”

Americans. “Here.” He handed the man the extra bills he’d fished from his pockets and grabbed the bag sourly. He bid a small goodbye out of habit and made his way back to the glass doors. “I hope you enjoy the chocolates, sir!”

Prime, why did he move here?

—

Wilbur no longer has the wish to be free. Deep down inside of him, the feeling of freedom would be refreshing, but the actuality of the situation has finally sat in him. And he cannot be more afraid, more unwelcoming, about what is to come. Wilbur does not want to be handled by a human, to be tossed around like some fucking toy, when he simply is not that. He knows that his fate will be sealed when he finds his frail, emotional body being crushed under the weight of two rows of teeth as he feels the life being sucked out of him completely, just because of a simple height difference. A major one, however still one that makes him human.

Wilbur is nervous as he feels the bag swaying with every step the human takes. He heard their conversation. The human had been hesitant, but only when he initially heard the price – when the god-awful cashier just had to make a little comment, that’s when he was being purchased, fucking bought willingly. Without any damn hesitation. His nails dug into the candy below him, sure to leave deep dents in it. His breathing had gone haywire since his realization, and it hasn’t gone back to normal since. Beads of tears built up in the corner of his eyes and he couldn’t help but just allow himself to sob. One final time, he will sit in this bag and cry.

Minutes after minutes pass by, and his surroundings continue to sway. The only thing he can hear is the crowded chatter of passing humans, where their shadows continue to make his natural light flicker. Wilbur wishes to scream. But, before he can develop that sudden thought, the swaying stops. And there is a gentle, quiet gush of wind as he’s set down. The movement is followed with the closing of a door.

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88 notes - Posted September 23, 2022

Favorite Dsmp duo and favorite trope

My favorite DSMP duo changes depending on what it’s for, but, for G/T, my favorite duo is easily T!George or G!Dream (or vice versa,,,)

My favorite trope changes so often!! Right now, though, I think it's a giant seeming eerie and terrifying, despite them trying to be funny/playful. And they've got no idea the tiny is scared shitless :)

(Unintentional fearplay lol)

I saw a video about Manhunt in George's POV and it was super cool so obviously I gotta make it g/t 😎 (this video should definitely be watched beforehand cause my descriptions are slacking lol)

Soooo have this lil thing :D

(also have the tiktok cause damn it’s awesome)

oh, george

tw: vore, un/intentional fearplay (kinda both), panic/hyperventilation

wc: 1614

First hunter, first to die. That seemed like a false statement, but, after having been through this very thing innumerable times, George can only stand face-to-face with agreement. While he may have had more experience with Dream as a person, he has had no change in his agility or stamina since the very first time they’d tried this rather irritating game. To go against a giant, for him, would be welcoming his demise with open arms. And while he’s done it before, he is not looking for a second death when they’re only less than half an hour into the hunt. So, he’s taken a shortcut.

Water splashed around him as his boots collided with the ground under the river rushing harshly downstream. A subtle wave of pain traveled through his body as he took a hint of damage. He steadied himself, keeping himself from falling directly into the strong water.

“Geoorge~”

George froze at the calling of his name, a flutter in his stomach erupting instantly. His hands inches to his pathetic excuse of a weapon: a dull wooden sword that he was lucky enough to craft in the short time span he was given. His breathing picked up, creating an eerie echo. George’s eyes couldn’t seem to find a resting place as they looked every-which-way, darting from cavern to crevice to wildlife as he tried to find even a clue that Dream was nearby. He’d not expected to be followed after his death. In fact, he wasn’t aware that Dream knew where he was at all, especially considering the fact that he’d looked rather busy with the other four members of his party.

“I’m gonna kill you, George!” Dream laughed softly. He sounded delighted to speak these words, like it was a pleasure to create pain for the hunter. George panted, finally pulling the weapon from where it rested on his side. His knuckles became white from the intense grip he had on the handle, but, despite the pain, he stuck to the grasp. George’s mind begged him to crouch in the small indent in the stone ‘wall’, however he knew there would be no use in hiding from Dream. It’ll simply be taunt, after taunt, after taunt, until he forces George out. That being through mental manipulation or Earthly damage. He stayed put. As if any kind of defense he attempted would truly wound the giant enough to disable him.

George looked up, taking in the scenery before he’d be momentarily visiting the afterlife. The tip of the ravine was littered in green trees, a sign of early Spring. George looked down when a branch snapped from the water, startling him out of his gaze. “George,” Dream drawled. He sounded like a child calling for a cat, or perhaps a cat calling for a mouse. George’s panicked respires returned once more, and fear laced his body once again.

He aimlessly spun at a slow speed, eyeing the rock formations above him. He exhaled shakily.

“Where, oh where, is Georgenotfound?~” Dream said in a sing-songy tone of voice, his words soft, taunting. It sounded far too close to a doll with a whiny old voice box.

George continued his mindless movements and uncontrollable hyperventilation as he stood there in nothing but anticipation. Dream’s mask, his voice, any sign of him, really. Or, just simply his demise. Perhaps a boulder or a tree. George shuddered, then exhaled shakily at the thought of being in such a vulnerable position, and still, although he told himself otherwise, kept drifting towards the only thing that could really be called safety.

George was startled into looking elsewhere for the second time, as the subtle sound of stone hitting stone resonated in the thin space. He caught sight of it instantly, watching as little more than a pebble drifted downwards from the very top of the ravine. George’s heart sunk, and somehow his deathly grip on the weapon became significantly stronger. He inhaled, trying to gather what little confidence he had remaining.

Dream laughed. And, it wasn’t a lighthearted, amused laugh. It was a taunt, with a tone so similar to the last sentence he spoke. If nothing else made him frightened, it would now be this. It echoed around the canyon a hundredfold, adding to the eeriness his repeated pants created. A string of swears flowed through his mind, just as the water did. The sound rang in his mind, efficiently giving him more goosebumps than he could grasp. Every time he thought the wretched echoes of a laugh had finally taken their leave, he’d just shudder again. Until, eventually, it did stop. As the very last, unfortunately loud, vibration of Dream’s voice bounced back and forth from stone wall to stone wall, Dream spoke up again, “Come here, George!”

A shadow fell over where he stood. George knew painfully well what was to come. He directed his worried eyes upwards, instantly dropping the wooden sword as he stared with intense eyes at the hand coming at him at a speed far too quick. “No!” George yelped, screamed, as skin was all he could see. He had yet to properly register what was happening, until four fingers were closing over him like a cage, with Dream’s thumb securing him to the palm, as if somehow he could attempt, or even successfully, make an escape.

George huffed, freeing one of his arms from the gentle, yet firm, grip Dream had on him. He drew his hand to his face, pulling up the goggles that cover his eyes. And, right as he did so, sunlight drifted back onto his tiny form, welcoming him with a ripple of fresh air. He gasped, struggling against the thumb. “Hi, George,” Dream undoubtedly grinned behind the awful mask that covered his face. “Dream, you are so annoying, put me down,” He didn’t have it in him to be scared. George’s memory was not awful, he knew that Dream had four other human’s to be worried about. He knew that, when he died, he was paying attention to them. But, now, he’s here, distracting both himself and George.

Dream tilted his hand so that it was laying flat, then positioned his fingers so he was able to give George free room to move, while still creating somewhat of a barrier against him. “Why are you bothering me? Shouldn’t you be like…hiding?”

“You were…far easier to get to.”

George rolled his eyes, shifting upwards.

Dream rose a hand to his face, gripping onto the edge of the mask to pull it upwards, only to where his mouth was visible. George scrambled back into the fingers, instantly knowing exactly what was happening. “Dream, seriously, you are so annoying. Put me down,” He muttered, trying unfortunately hard to cover the shake in his voice.

“Why? You’re just going to die if I do. I’m just keeping you safe, George,” Dream hummed, opening his maw and drawing George closer to it. He titled his hand, and even though he tried his utmost hardest to avoid falling into Dream’s open mouth, he failed, and gravity did its terrible job of making George tumble past a row of too-sharp teeth and right onto his friend’s tongue with a small groan of protest.

“Dream!” He called out, watching with a frown as he saw he now was covered in darkness. He sat up, then slowly rose to his feet. The surface under him, or rather the wet muscle under him, twitched as he tried his share at walking along it. Instead of making it more than five steps, however, he instead stumbled back down.

George yelped as he was tossed to the side of Dream’s mouth; his cheek. The very same tongue he was on just a moment before prodded at him, coating him in a disgusting layer of saliva. He groaned, “Dream, you’re actually disgusting–” George stood there, at a total loss for words as he felt a familiar feeling of revulsion circulating inside of him. Then, after a short second, his body was unwillingly being moved to a different area. He somehow ended up situated atop Dream’s tongue again, more saliva pooling under him. He nearly gagged at the sticky feeling. “Dream, please, let me out of here, it’s disgusting,” he tried.

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93 notes - Posted October 4, 2022

Hello fellow G/T enjoyers! I have come with a gift. I’m not sure if this has been done before, but I haven’t seen anything so far!

I’ve made a G/T tier list including tropes & sizes! Open to anyone, comments for this post and asks are always there if anyone has any suggestions on what to add, I’m open to all ideas! :]

Also tw this tier list includes mentions of noms

Here’s the link,,

@a-xyz-s look, I made it :D

106 notes - Posted August 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

experiment 👋😎

i'm just trying an experiment rn

if you are a dsmp g/t enjoyer: INTERACT WITH THIS POST!!

i'm doing this because a. i'm curious where those 600 people come from on other dsmp g/t posts, and b. i posted oh george and over half of the likes on it were from people i'd never seen around here,,,

the dsmp g/t community isn't dead, it's very much alive. it's just that there is a significant lack of creators (which is totally fine!). @smog-frog-0 made a good post on the consumers in this community. i'd like to talk a little about it while i'm in the mood to ramble! :]

sooo, i totally agree with smog, the consumers in this community are what keep the content coming. it's totally find if you're a lurker and get shy or whatnot, but even a like helps the confidence of a creator so much!! i can talk from experience, most of the people here are so kind and socially awkward that it's a treat for them to talk to you (/lh /pos)

^ also considering the last part of this, asks are also a hugeeeee motivation booster! chat with us! add comments!! feedback, even if it's just a few tags like "woo this is awesome" would make the next part of the fic come out sooner. (no promises, a personal life of a creator also exists,,)

i know that there are over 600 of you lovely dsmp g/t enjoyers because i have seen it! so many people!! the community is still alive, but the people are spread out over the platform. i'm sure there's a similar circle of creators just like ours somewhere else on this hellsite.

i propose an idea: let's expand. morph together. honestly the group we have on here is so active i wonder why they don't get more clout for the things they do?

seriously, just interact with this post. reblog, tell me who your little circle is, like it, EVERYONE in this community, consumer or content creator, interact!!!

also for all you lurkers, send asks! you can be an anon, so you can keep your secrecy. give feedback, prompts, questions, headcannons, checkups, anything!! we love everyone who comes into our askbox and activity.

here, smog did it, so, it's my turn!

here're the people in our circle 👀 all of you who don't like being tagged, tell me, 'cause it might happen again,

(TOOK OUT THE LIST BC IT KEPT TAGGING PEOPLE DESPITE ME ADDING A .)

SORRY THAT LITERALLY IS SUCH A LONG LIST BUT LOOK AT OUR COMMUNITY! I'M SURE I MISSED A LOT, BUT HERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN MY FOLLOWING!! DSHGDS

And I'm not tagging them for clout, but because these people are fuckin' awesome and deserve a loooot of love on their work, everything they do is lovely, and they should be much more known! Anyone who see's this, please go to their blogs and give them love! their fics are awesome >:D

146 notes - Posted October 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#year in review #omg it posted the entire stories wtf #i'm so happy my writing is so high though that's awesome :D #pff the dream looking like robert pattinson is my longest that's so sad lmfao #cw vore #cw vore implication/mention #also i saw someone like curiosity 1 the other day and i was like :0 i thought that fic was buried!!!

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the-lincyclopedia · 2 years ago

Text

I’ve gotten quite a few fic comments in the past two days, and I had the thought, I am so lucky. And that’s true. I am, in a lot of ways, including in fandom friendships. I have a lot of good friends in fandom, and I know that’s not something that can be earned or that should be taken for granted.

But it’s not all luck. I also have some skills around developing fandom friendships, and since we’re largely a bunch of neurodivergent folks over here in fandom, I thought it might be worth spelling some things out in case other people are wondering how to make more fandom friends, since direct instructions can be helpful.

Right off the bat, obviously, don’t be an asshole. Tell people nice things about their fics, and don’t tell them mean things about their fics (or mean things in general). If you eventually get to the point where someone has asked you to be their beta, you can give constructive criticism at that point, though it’s still important to be kind. It goes against fandom norms to give criticism, even criticism meant constructively, outside of beta relationships. If you didn’t know that before, well, now you do.

But beyond not being an asshole, here’s what I typically do: I comment a lot on other people’s fic. I probably comment on over 75% of the fics I read. Commenting is my default reader state, and I only don’t comment if I truly can’t think of anything nice to say (either because I didn’t like the fic or because I’m having trouble phrasing the thing I liked in a way that sounds good). Whenever possible, I quote-comment, meaning I use the lines I liked from the fic in the comment and basically live-react at the writer through my reading process. I try to comment on every chapter of multi-chapter fics I read.

After I’ve commented on multiple of someone’s fics, if I’m really enjoying myself, I might try to find the writer on Tumblr. I don’t mean trying to stalk them and find a non-fandom blog, obviously; I just mean looking up their AO3 username on Tumblr and seeing if they pop up. If they do, I might DM them and say how much I’ve been enjoying their fics, or how much I appreciate their characterization of a certain character, or make a fandom-related reference.

From there, sometimes people respond. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes we don’t seem to have much to talk about. But sometimes we hit it off. If it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, I don’t push it, but if the other person also seems to be having a good time and is responding enthusiastically and/or initiating some of the time, I keep talking to them.

Note: I am less likely to try to talk to people who are clearly Big Name Fans, whatever that means in a certain fandom. I don’t show up and immediately try to catch the attention of people who surely have tons of people vying for their attention. And people who get less engagement are more likely to really appreciate having one new really enthusiastic supporter, anyway.

There comes a point in some online friendships where it’s okay to ask to exchange numbers/talk on the phone/Skype/etc. That point comes at different times in different friendships, and it may never come at all in plenty of them, and that’s all right. It’s nice to offer your information rather than asking for someone else’s (a tip I picked up in autism support groups), and you should definitely make sure the other person feels like they can say no, they’d rather not give you their number, or whatever.

It’s important to know going into this that sometimes fandom admiration isn’t mutual. Some people whose work you enjoy may not enjoy your work, and you need to be okay with that. Some people also won’t want to be your friend, and you need to be okay with that, too. This isn’t a manual on how to make everyone like you. But I do think that this way of interacting in fandom has helped me make a higher-than-average number of fandom friends.

This is not to say you have to follow all this advice or that there is One Right Way to engage in fandom. You’re not obligated to comment on anything or DM anyone, and I can’t guarantee any results even if you do. But if you’re wondering how to make more friends in fandom, being enthusiastic and complimentary (when you can do so genuinely) is a decent thing to try.

#a lin original #fandom life #fandom stuff #online friends

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wayward-dreamer · 2 years ago

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*taps mic* *clears throat* Is this thing on?

Hey tumblr fam!! It’s been a while, huh?

I really am sorry it’s taken me so long to give an any kind of update, and I know some people will say that I don’t need to apologize, but that’s just in my nature lol. So I’m going to tell you what’s been going on and hopefully what’s coming soon enough to the blog.

The main reason for the delay in posting has been that I was away on holiday for pretty much all of March and first week of April. My family (my parents and sister) and I took a trip to UK/Europe for 4 weeks, and while we had an amazing time it was certainly very tiring as well haha. I feel like we need a holiday from the holiday, but that said a lot of lifelong, incredible memories were made and I’m forever grateful for this opportunity we got that we’ve never really gotten before.

So because of the constant moving around from city to city, I really didn’t have time to write much. Even on planes and trains, I was pretty much always sitting next to my sister or one of my parents so that’s not exactly the right time to be writing smut, you know? Lol

That said, I did get a couple of non-smut sections of one shots or series chapters done, so I guess that’s something.

Another reason for my lack of posting is that I’ve really been concentrating on my other forms of writing. I’ve been trying to edit a fanfic series into a book for self-publishing (all will be revealed soon as to which one!!) and that’s been taking a lot longer than I thought, but hopefully it should be done in time for a summer release. I’ve also been working on scripts to send out to different development programs and even a contest or two, which I wasn’t planning on but a friend convinced me to do it. I really don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’ve left it up to the universe to decide and just hope for the best!

So let’s move onto what’s coming to the blog soon (hopefully!!):

- I’ve been writing another Soldier Boy x F!Reader one shot since before we left for the holiday, and it’s not even close to being finished yet, so I’m hoping to work on it this week and let’s see if I can finish it!

- I’ve been working on The Hardest Lessons slowly but surely, and I think within a month or two, it should start posting again. Again, hopefully!

- I’ve also been trying to outline a new series which I’m so fucking excited about. It’s been in my WIPs for I don’t even know how long as just small sentences/paragraphs and ideas, so I really hope I can start writing it soon.

- Other than that, I have plenty of bingo squares to turn into fics, so let’s see what happens. Also, if anyone has any requests, have a read of what I write for and let me know what you’d like, because I’d love to hear from you!

- I also just want to mention that for the time being, I’ve deactivated my Patreon. If I get back into the regular routine I was in, then I might start it again, so watch this space if anything changes.

I’m actually so excited to get back to working on all these things, and I really hope that you guys will be excited for what’s coming. Again, I’m sorry for the unplanned hiatus, but hopefully that won’t be the case again. Thanks for all the support and love, I really do appreciate it so much.

Much love,

Rosh <3

#update

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mik-mania · 1 year ago

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I doubt my response will be seen, but I’m responding anyway as if I’ve personally been tagged by staff to review this post.

Responding To The Post Itself

If you use Tumblr on a web browser, you might have noticed us testing a brand new navigation on your dashboard in the last month.

If anyone in control of these changes uses Tumblr, they would have noticed that the vast majority of Tumblr is against this change. While Tumblr has historically been against any change, whether good or bad (see: moving the reblog button to the bottom of the post) (this is the autism website, it’s bound to happen), the recent reaction to these pending changes is different.

The userbase can sense that Tumblr is attempting to “modernize” (in quotes, because the way most modern social media is set up is a shitstreak on the internet itself). Tumblr live is a good example of a feature that nobody wanted but something that was imposed anyway as an attempt to “modernize.” This new layout is brazenly just a Twitter rip-off, and attempting to describe it as anything else is genuinely insulting, as if the userbase wouldn’t notice.

I’ll be honest here: my first impression of the layout was, “Oh, that’s not so bad. If it was optional, I might even use it, given that accessibility of different menus was improved.” in further honesty, the bulk of the userbases’ reactions to this is not to the actual layout announcement (as I said, Tumblr hates change, so people would be against any new layouts anyway, even if it were a genuine improvement), but the whole idea that it’s being forced upon everyone *and* that it’s just a Twitter rip-off.

Suppose somebody on staff has kept meticulous records of the multiple feedbacks I’ve sent back (because I’m obviously that important of a person to have you all hanging on my every word). In that case, the idea I’m about to suggest isn’t new: MAKE IT OPTIONAL.

In fact, make a whole CAROUSEL of new layouts! Make some memey ones! Make an entire crab-based layout! Make some layouts that hardly function at all! Toss in the option to customize the CSS of your own dashboard! Many people already use third-party extensions to edit how their dashboard looks, so it’s clearly a feature that many users would enjoy.

Furthermore: have some special, cool themes that cost money to get! That way, you have extra revenue if cost is the issue here. Like I’ve said in other feedback, the demographic you want to keep happy is here BECAUSE they enjoy the customization abilities of the website. You should be encouraging blog customization. Since Tumblr has its own HTML language, maybe even offer a mixture of free and paid classes that teach the language!

The route that y’all are going is just NOT it. People came to Tumblr because it’s not like other social media. I understand higher-ups most likely don’t know/care about that and are incentivizing “modernization.” so here’s the thing: do what you must do, but make it optional. Expound upon it, even. For the most part, Tumblr has kept the same fundamental layout. It’s definitely moved menus and buttons before, but having been here since 2010, I can say that most of the moving around has not been for the better.

Many menus and options are hidden in obscure places, and it’s generally a pain in the ass to get to different sideblog options. If you’re going to test out new dash features, at LEAST have the courtesy to listen to the feedback you’ve gotten from the random users you’ve tested this out on (which is a bizarre way to go about it, but at least it’s consistent with how Tumblr’s operated for forever.)

With this particular Twitter layout, you released it in the worst possible way. Compare it to the checkmarks: you most certainly got a lot of money from that, because (personally) it was a funny joke and people liked the little checkmarks! Imagine if you had released this layout similar to that: “Hey, lots of you are from Twitter, and since Twitter’s dying, here’s a Twitter layout just for you!” you could have approached it anywhere from a jokey angle to an accessibility angle (“if you’re used to twitter’s layout, this might be easier for you to use, rather than relearning an entirely new website!”) but instead, you did……. this.

You actually make that exact point here:

Why are we doing this? We want it to be as easy as possible for everyone to understand and explore what’s happening on Tumblr — newbies and seasoned travelers alike.

But with how you’ve gone about it, it’s far too late. Plus, how would forcibly changing to this layout make it “as easy as possible” for people who have been here for literally over a decade? That’s like inviting people over to my house, then giving my family the middle finger and rearranging the house so it looks like my guests’ house. Does that make sense to you? It doesn’t make sense to me.

Labels over icons: When adding something new to Tumblr in the past, we’d simply add a new icon to our navigation with little further explanation. Turns out no one likes to press a button when they don’t know what it does. So now, where there’s space, the navigation includes text labels. Since adding these, we’ve noticed more of you venturing to previously unexplored corners of Tumblr. Intrepid!

I mean… I can’t really say there’s anything wrong with clicking on icons when you don’t know what it means. When the explore page icon was published (whenever that was), I clicked on it cus I had no idea what it was. It took me to the explore page. I said, “Oh, that’s what it does.” Then, I went on my merry way.

I feel like this is borderline infantilizing the userbase because people don’t really need to be coddled with these things. However, I may be biased. IRL, I’ve noticed that I’m a lot more exploratory than others, to the point when someone at work asks where something is, I know the answer (having only worked there three weeks) versus my clueless coworker who’s worked there for half a decade.

All in all, not a bad update. It’s most likely a net positive. It’s not for me, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t helpful for others.

What’s already been fixed? Thanks to feedback from folks during the testing phase, we’ve been able to make some improvements right out of the gate. Those include returning settings subpages (Account, Dashboard, etc.) to the right of the settings page instead of having them in an expandable item in the navigation on the left; fixing some issues with messaging windows on smaller screens; and streamlining the Account section to make it easier to get to your blogs.

For me, if this were an OPTIONAL layout, then the improvements you’ve made are good news! But I will tell you this: people weren’t complaining about those details because they wanted the layout to be improved. They complained because they dont like the layout/implementation in the first place.

What’s next? We’re looking into making a collapsible version of this navigation and improving the use of screen space for those of you with enormous screens. We’re also working on improving access to your account and sideblogs.

I must not be in the intended demographic for this one because I’m only imagining people using giant tv screens (which, to be fair, I have seen done). I feel like there are better ways to deal with that design-wise than just… “Hey, this looks shitty on your screen, so here’s an option just to hide all the important features.”

However, I understand it’s hard to design a site to work with literally every screen out there. As a novice, I suggest working with responsive sizing rather than a fixed size, but I’m sure there are more intricate details than that. I’m essentially just adding my two cents here just to say words; I’m sure there are other users far more advanced in web design than I am that could say something on this.

That’s all for now, folks. For questions and suggestions, contact Support using the “Feedback” category. Please select the “Report a bug or crash” category on the support form for technical issues. And keep an eye out for more updates here on @changes.

Although I know it’s practically impossible, verifying that a human has read the suggestions would be nice.

Transparency Policy

Staff is seemingly trying to be covert about how they’re “modernizing”/twitterizing, even though it’s obvious what they’re doing from the userbase’s perspective. Trying to be sneaky and backhanded is the worst thing for an entity’s public image.

Here’s some advice for whoever is directing the PR: you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. That is to say, you can either Twitterize the website unapologetically (-angers the main userbase, has potential for a mass emigration larger than the 2018 one), or you can keep the userbase happy (-no Twitterization, the site may not reach the projected amount of growth needed for corporate suits to be satisfied).

Currently, you’re attempting to squeeze between the two options and create a third option where everybody is happy. (Hi, stepping in again to suggest OPTIONS as a happy third option.) For simplicity, these two goals will be known as “GOAL: TWITTERIZATION” (GT for short) and “GOAL: USER HAPPINESS” (GU for short).

Tumblr’s best option here is transparency in regards to:

WHAT is happening?

This includes being honest about the big picture rather than feeding out small bits of updates at a time; this would allow users to give fair feedback about site plans rather than what seems to be happening right now. This also enables users to decide whether the website is a good fit for them and their needs.

WHY is this happening?

Similar to “WHAT is happening.” In the end, WHAT is your goal, WHY are you doing this? Because right now, you SAY you’re trying to appease the userbase (GU) while DOING the exact opposite (GT). Without transparency here, you will lose the userbase’s confidence in you. Combined with selective acknowledgment of feedback (pointedly listening to some while ignoring what you clearly don’t want to hear), this is how you create a volatile userbase. This, put simply, is what you DON’T want. I will expound upon this later.

WHO is making these decisions?

I’ll acknowledge that transparency over this may not be up to whoever is doing the PR and announcements. Personally, I feel that it would be beneficial to staff on the lower rungs of the corporate ladder to ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶w̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶e̶v̶e̶r̶’̶s̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶r̶g̶e̶ ̶u̶n̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶u̶s̶ be transparent about the entity in charge. That way, essential feedback can be directed to where it actually needs to go.

When I worked in customer service, my go-to with upset customers was to see it from their point of view (stay with me here). Even if I found whatever issue they had to be small or inconsequential, generally, I could understand from the customer’s point of view that the issue still sucked, even if it wasn’t something I would personally get upset over or do anything about. However, obviously, *I* had no control over the thing they were upset about. Logically, the customer probably knew that as well, but right now, they aren’t being logical; they’re being emotional. So, you know what I did?

“I agree with you, it’s a really stupid policy, but I either follow it or get in trouble. It’s not up to me to change it, HOWEVER…” and follow it up with some way to get in contact with the person in charge of those decisions (even if it’s as vague as suggesting they google the number for corporate). The outcome? I’ve achieved three things:

redirected the customer’s feelings to the proper source (thereby removing myself from being the emotional battering ram)

utilized the customer’s feelings and transformed them into a call to action (almost literally)

potentially put a change of policy into momentum (likely? probably not. possible? entirely.)

When posting on Tumblr from the staff account, I’m assuming that you couldn’t literally tell us, “I don’t want to do this, but Greg in Marketing is making me do this,” or something like that. HOWEVER, given how experienced yall seem to be in corporate-speak, I’m sure you could figure out something. Or, you know, the company itself could decide to listen to the public (obviously outside of lower-rung employees’ control).

WHEN is it happening?

Listen. This is the autism website. While people generally don’t like sudden change, autistic people REALLY don’t like sudden change (coming from an autistic person). If you’re absolutely deadset on making a major change, give us a set date! Hell, make an event out of it to hype people up! Act like you’re about to drop the hottest album of the century! Literally, anything is better than how you’re going about it right now. The apologetic tone and pretending like you’re listening to feedback (when really all you’re doing is handpicking feedback to listen to) is grating and damaging the already strenuous relationship y’all have with your userbase.

Goals and Userbase-Relationship

In the case of “GOAL: TWITTERIZATION” (GT for short), being honest and transparent about your goals — even if everybody on this site hates it — is more respectable and better for your public image. Being upfront about GT is taking control of the situation and saying, “This is our website, and we are going to change it in this way. You can either take it or leave it.” personally, for me, that would suck, because I think twitterization would be a massive mistake. However, having the guts to MAKE that decision is more respectable. It shows that you genuinely have conviction and believe in the changes that you are making. If you’re determined to do this, DON’T back down on what you’re doing. Otherwise, it makes you look unsure and weak.

In the case of “GOAL: USER HAPPINESS” (GU for short), being honest and transparent about your goals is also beneficial. In all honesty, there is no scenario where NOT being honest and transparent works in your favor (see: what you’re doing right now). I understand that it is impossible to please everyone on this website, and that is not something I am asking of you. My advice here is, if your goal is TRULY user happiness, to actually LISTEN to the vast amount of feedback given to you via replies, reblogs, and feedback sent in. If you want this to be a user-funded site, give us all a REASON to fund the site.

How do you do that? You listen. Take note of your demographics — most active, oldest, newest, etc. and reach out to them. The thing you’re doing with Tumblr radar and the emporium, empowering artists on the site? That’s a step in the right direction (and although I have my own criticisms on those as well, that’s for a different post).

Just a few ideas off the top of my head, and I’m not even versed in this type of stuff:

Surveys, with some sort of incentive, sent to random (**GENUINE) users. Possibly even have an open call for surveyors, because people here love giving their opinions.

Possibly hiring more PR & outreach people and/or creating a department for that if there isn’t one already.

Monthly “community halls” similar to how some subreddits have a monthly post where people can complain/suggest things/etc so that users KNOW that there is a human on the other side.

Q&As similar to the ones being done on (can’t remember WHICH blog) the one staff blog, where the inbox opens up periodically.

Revamping the feedback process. Currently, sending feedback feels like writing a letter and then dropping it off into the sewer grate at the backend of a forgotten alley in hopes it gets to where it needs to go.

You’re under-utilizing your most valuable resource in web development and the opinions of the people using it!

Final Thoughts

Here is how it feels as a user: it feels as if you are constantly attempting to push the line. For the userbase, a line is drawn between us and Automattic (the company that owns Tumblr; AC for short). With every Twitterization update, AC toes the line and moves it ever so slightly, then retreats, acting as if it never meant to anger the userbase. It gives a few paragraphs of corporate-speak non-apologies, waits for things to simmer down, then does the same exact thing again. AC feels clever as if the userbase won’t notice this. With this method, AC feels as if the userbase will always forgive it and will always get over whatever it has done because that’s always what’s happened, right?

Unfortunately for AC, there is an effect some know as a “breaking point.” while toeing the line over and over may not have immediate results, behind the scenes, AC’s value to its consumers is tanking with each attempt at the line. Consider the discontentment of its consumers as cracks that are developing in AC’s wall. While some entities may have more obvious signs of decay (picture Twitter’s wall as missing entire chunks), AC’s wall may look completely fine, its stocks and projections, and whatever else unaffected for the time being. Then, after toeing the line once again, the wall suddenly shatters, and everything plummets. Consumers leave in droves and profit tanks.

“But everything looked just fine before!” Well, actually, each of AC’s actions put more and more hairline fractures into the wall. For this metaphor, imagine the wall is AC’s relationship with its userbase. What corporate higher-ups don’t seem to understand (as I assume this is all coming from black-suits with no understanding of how to retain a userbase) is that the money isn’t going to come from nowhere.

They may see us simple Tumblr-using folks as annoying little things standing in the way of making money. But the truth is, there is no website without us. No website, no money. So, it would probably be in their best interest to keep us happy, right? This means… listening to us instead of assuming they know better than we do about what we want. Just because we may tolerate a decision doesn’t mean we approve of it.

I have seen this scenario happen repeatedly, where other companies think they’re an exception to the rule. So, here is some final advice: if you don’t reverse the damage, the wall is going to shatter. Here's hoping that this site isn't destroyed through poor management.

edit: medium link, may as well publish it there because that's where i typed it up. another thing that needs fixing: text editing on posts. breathe wrong and everything you wrote is gone.

A new way to navigate Tumblr

If you use Tumblr on a web browser, you might have noticed us testing a brand new navigation on your dashboard in the last month. Now, after some extensive tweaks, we’ve begun rolling out this new dashboard navigation to everyone using a web browser. Welcome to the new world. It’s very like the old world, just in a different layout.

Why are we doing this? We want it to be as easy as possible for everyone to understand and explore what’s happening on Tumblr—newbies and seasoned travelers alike.

#mainposting #long post

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mainstoryarchive · 2 months ago

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Revolution - 41: Investigation

Translator: Creampuffs

Makoto: As expected, it seems the Student Council President’s unit… “fine”, won’t be taking part this time around.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Location: 2-A Classroom

Makoto: As expected, it seems the Student Council President’s unit… “fine”, won’t be taking part this time around.

There’s nothing they can do with their leader hospitalised. I guess in our case, the mice will play while the cat’s away~?

So, our worst enemy is “AKATSUKI”, after all.

Hokuto: So the Vice-President’s unit will be making an appearance, huh. Are there any other notable units that appeared on the participants list?

Makoto: Hmm~ the general public will be coming to the “S1”.

Maybe they don’t want to lose face in front of the public~ It seems most of the stronger units won’t be participating, anyway.

Like “Knights” and “RYUSEITAI”.

Hokuto: Hm. If the powerhouse units won’t be participating, then we can focus solely on defeating the Student Council.

Makoto: Yup. We’ve already submitted our application, so there’s no running away now. We’re going to end up fighting them either way, so let’s do our best~♪

Hokuto: …You’ve really become more reliable, Yuuki. I’m sure the old you would be standing here with your knees buckling.

Makoto: Ahaha. It’d be way more comfortable fighting the Student Council as opposed to bungee jumping off the rooftop without a rope ♪

Subaru: I’m back~☆

Hokuto: Akehoshi… Don’t give me that. Where on earth did you go off to? You’re too free-spirited. Learn to be on the same page as us.

Oh, so the Transfer Student is with you, too. I see you’re following Sakuma-senpai’s instructions of staying together with her.

Makoto: You’ve gotten pretty close to her recently~ Akehoshi-kun. Just what did you two do alone together during lunch break?

Subaru: Hehehe ☆ That’s still a secret~ It’ll be something that will knock your socks off!

We didn’t waste the week away, you know? We’ll prove it to you, so look forward to it, okay~? ☆

Makoto: (Hmm. Well, I don’t really get it, but it looks like he’s more cheerful now.)

(Akehoshi-kun… was so depressed after watching the "S2" a week ago. I couldn’t bear to see him like that.)

(It’s a relief to see him back to his usual self.)

(Maybe it’s all thanks to the Transfer Student. It looks like they’ve been secretly plotting something together as of late, though.)

(Akehoshi-kun has been guiding and taking the Transfer Student, who knows nothing, around with him wherever he goes… Maybe that was a good distraction for him?)

(But Akehoshi-kun definitely feels different from before.)

(There’s enthusiasm in his eyes and an immeasurable radiance hidden within. Maybe he’s in serious mode now~?)

(It makes me shiver. I wonder what happens when someone with natural talent gets serious?)

(I’ve got to get stronger too, so that I don’t get burnt to death from his scorching passion.)

Hokuto: You’re not going to eat, you two? Lunch break is going to be over soon. If you haven’t prepared anything, I can give you some of my vinegared kelp.

Subaru: It’s fine. I’ve already eaten with the Transfer Student~♪

Hokuto: Is that so? Then, good.

…It’s not a bad thing to be good friends with her, but I hope you won’t leave us out of the loop.

Oh, what’s wrong, Transfer Student? Your eyes are downcast. Are you tired from hanging out with Akehoshi?

Oh? You say you found a letter left in your shoe locker after arriving at school…?

Makoto: A letter in your shoe locker? Is it a love letter?

Wow! It’s only been a little over a week since you’ve transferred to the school, and you’ve already seduced some pure young man!

You’re such a devilish girl…☆

Hokuto: No, it can’t be a love letter. It’s too curt. It feels like the letter was written in a rush.

If I had to say, it looks more like a letter of challenge.

Do you mind if I read it, Transfer Student?

Hm. It says, “Come to the martial arts dojo alone after school. Kuro Kiryu”.

Kiryu… he’s part of “AKATSUKI”, our current enemy. Has he already noticed what we’ve been doing and wants to crush us before the “S1” begins. Surely, not?

Makoto: No, no. I don’t think the Student Council is so wary of us that they’d do something like this. Kiryu-senpai isn’t a member of the council, either.

Isn’t it because of that incident? Remember how the Transfer Student lent Kiryu-senpai her handkerchief during the unofficial battle on her first day?

He’s a person with integrity, so he probably just wants to return it.

Hokuto: Hm. That’s another possibility, but just remember to be careful. The Karate Club is well-known for its “ruffians”. I’m worried they may be rough with you.

If you ignore him, it’ll just worsen your relationship. I think it’d be best if you go see him.

But it says you should go alone, so we can’t go with you.

We’ll be on standby somewhere… near the martial arts dojo… What do you think?

Subaru: You’re so overprotective, Hokke~ But you’re right. Should we prepare ourselves for the worst-case scenario and stay close enough to hear a scream?

Makoto: That sounds like a good idea. I’ve heard that Kiryu-senpai is an understanding person.

He may be a member of “AKATSUKI”, but if our negotiations go smoothly, then… we might be able to turn the tide in our favour at “S1”.

Hokuto: Hmm. I’m not fond of doing things behind the scenes, but it seems we don’t have the time to be choosing our methods.

Will the outcome of meeting Kiryu-senpai be a favourable or unfavourable one…?

It all rests in your hands, Transfer Student.

[ ☆ ]

← prev ❖ all ❖ next →

#enstars #ensemble stars #enstars translations #hokuto hidaka #subaru akehoshi #makoto yuuki

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so-litudinal · 3 months ago

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i miss it here, kinda

main two reasons i haven't been around are 1) my phone died a few weeks ago and 2) my only consistant thought these days(?) is that i wanna disappear, as in i don't wanna/can't live, and i feel bad about only posting depressing, suicidal stuff (which is ridiculous, since i created this blog over 10 years ago as an online personal diary — but i guess shame follows me anywhere i go).

my phone had been messing up for a long while, i know i should've gotten a new one at least a year ago. but it had been holding on (barely) anyway so i kept putting it off, as i do everything you know. but then one night i stupidly dropped it in the stairs. it only fell down a couple of steps and i seemed to be able to turn it back on just fine (albeit slow). but the day after it kept turning off randomly, until i couldn't turn it on anymore at all. anyway. guy at the repair shop couldn't do anything. and since i'm the worst, i hadn't backed up anything. i thought i'd lost everything, but turned out at least pictures and videos were saved to my cloud. still, i lost all my notes + audio recordings. i don't care all that much about the audios except for one i took two years ago of junko purring in my bed a few days before she died [now that i write this…i have a vague feeling i might’ve posted the audio here at the time… but i’m kinda scared to go back and look, only to be let down again]. thought/hoped i'd saved it somewhere on a hard drive with all her pictures but couldn't find it.

what i'm saddest about is losing my notes. repair shop guy said that if i’m lucky (big lol….) and if my phone was connected to a google account (??? idk, my mom told me cuz of course i didn’t go myself), i might be able to retrieve them once i got a new phone. i’m not sure if that was supposed to be about my notes being saved to a google drive or something, cuz that wasn’t the case anyway. so yeah. years and years of notes. i’m dumb, so dumb that i kinda deserved this happening to me (watch it not be a learning lesson, just like anything else). the notes i really cared about were the fanfiction drafts + artwork ideas. speaking of, sorta crazy that i’m ashamed to talk about writing fanfiction on this blog. i’ve always had this compulsory need to “split” my personality and interests across different online platforms—irl too. don’t really wanna dig into that here and now but yeah, it probably all stems from shame and deeply rooted self-contempt + fear of judgement from others, even though most of my online presence has consisted of my existing in and talking to the void. some of those notes dated all the way back to 2020. there were some that i wrote on my pc but the large majority stayed on my phone for easy access when i got random ideas in the middle of the night or in the shower. i really liked most of what i wrote, even the stuff i didn’t necessarily have the intention of finishing. took about a week to buy another phone but it’s been 2 weeks since that and i still haven’t used it. been using a tablet. i guess i get used to not having a phone cuz with the way i live, like a hermit, i don’t even have much need for a phone’s primary functionalities anyway. i don’t go out at this point and i pretty much never contact anyone anymore. but also, every time i think about those notes i’ve lost, i feel like “what’s the point?” what’s the point of a phone if i’m gonna be so dumb about it. also—and that’s even more pathetic—what’s the point of writing at all. i’ve had ideas and things i’ve wanted to write about in that time but even on the occasion that i do start (on pc), i systematically get to a point where i lose interest, or rather the motivation to continue and finish. i’m aware that this mindset is not only worryingly cynical and pessimistic but also sounds ridiculously dramatic, even to myself. but i think the reason why is because when anything even mildly inconveniencing or upsetting happens, that plays into my depression and lack of purpose/will to live, and vice versa. vicious circle and all that, you know. everything, including the positive actually, ultimately brings me back to the same point, the same conclusion—it’s not worth it, because all of it is wasted on me, whose my life isn’t worth much at all, and all of it goes away or ends up in the same dumpster of despair, nothing will last, whether i stay alive or disappear. not that i necessarily believe this way of thinking is reasonable, or even truthful—more that it doesn’t matter whether i believe in it or not, because it so strongly influences, if not dictates my perception of all things in life. so yeah, all of this over a dead phone and a bunch of lost writings, but also not really. worst thing is i haven’t even had the motivation to kick my butt and at the very least save the images and videos from my cloud onto a hard drive yet. i’m gonna regret this. …i say, as i sit back and once again consciously watch myself doing the thing that will only lead to more regret and self-hatred. heheh. queen of self-sabotage.

speaking of things that i seemingly can’t react to in an appropriate, normal human way… on the 31st of last month, the gacha i game i’ve been playing every day for the past 3.5 years was announced for eos by the end of september. i mean. there’s more than one valid reason to be upset over this, for just about any other fan. and the series it’s based on has been so, so important to me for the past 4 years (see how i intentionally don’t name it like "here is not the place for that”? yeah). but idk. the fact that i was so shell-shocked by the news and once again left with the feeling that nothing is worth getting attached to…. i know this kind of response is disproportionate. pathetic. not healthy. not normal. i’ve gotten a bit more used to the perspective since—at least for now, cuz i can very well envision going back into full woe is me mode as the date of eos gets near.

there are 2 other observations, or whatever i should call them, i can make from this reaction. 1) not being able to access something (probably even more so since it’s a form of escapism) that’s been part of my life, without missing a day since creating the account on december 31st, 2020, makes it glaringly obvious how empty and repetitive my days are and have been for an embarrassing amount of time now—the worst part being that i’ve found some sick, sick sense of comfort in it being and staying so (anything else is….terrifying and something i can’t allow myself to aim for).

2) i’ve had this vague feeling for a while but never really bothered to put it into words until recently but the more my interest about a certain thing grows, the more i’m susceptible to become unsatisfied, not with the thing itself, but with myself and the way i engage with it. very passively—like i effectively let it pass me by like i do anything else in life. i don’t usually want to admit it cuz it’s a bad character trait of mine, but i’ve kind of accepted that i find no real joy in sharing an interest with other people, engaging with them over this thing we presumably have in common. i’m the worst, so ugly for that, because it’s obviously an envy/jealousy thing. but also i tend to wanna cut myself some slack (self-indulgent?) regarding that specific thing cuz i’m pretty sure it also comes from my overall lack of social skills—which, at its root, is not my fault (severe bullying at a young, crucial age + prolonged and repeated child neglect). i know that it has now, in my adult age, become my responsibility to address and grow past those traumas and their consequences, especially assuming i still have hope for a life worth living (not taking the “do i?” factor in consideration here for the sake of this argument). my generation wasn’t exactly born with the internet but we did, at least partially, grow up with it, and it’s now such a(n unnecessarily?) huge part of our daily life, just like younger generations. i mean, talking about generations is probably pointless—what matters is that this was effectively my experience with the internet. so yeah, all that to say that i’ve had an “online presence” (not just as an occasional user of computers/the internet as mere practical, communication, sometimes educational, even more rarely entertainment tools) from my early teens, if not earlier, via blogs and now ancient forms of social media lol (msn, i’ll always have nostalgia for you—but please don’t come back). anyway. my point being… i’ve been using the internet as a hyper-social shared space for a long time, and there’s something that i’ve come to realise has been true, if not from the start, at least more and more over time, and that i’ve had, still have a hard time recognising and accepting: i can’t connect with people online any more than i can in real life. i think i wished myself to be one of those people who, however socially awkward in real life, or even downright social outcasts, managed to find a place online. i never truly could. it’s gotten worse over this past decade (the worst these past 4 to 6 years), as i progressively lost touch with the outside world and became more and more isolated. all these factors, dating long back or recent, are reflected in my ongoing online experience. with social media, “online communities” (niches, fandoms, circles, etc.) as a concept are so prevalent, and it’s hard cuz never in my life have i had the feeling that i could belong to one in real life. i grew to even regard the idea of a community as something i had no desire to partake in (i don’t know if i still feel that way but thinking so is self-preservation). i remember for example, the lgbt community is one i never quite felt i wanted to identify with, beyond my orientation being what it is, even in my adolescence, and sure, that might’ve had something to do with my own internal struggles with my identity, but in a way, it also circled back to my aversion to social groups (which is very much based in trauma and not just me being an introvert). that naturally, and unfortunately, extended into my experience with online communities of all sorts. that being said… i think that as long as i accept this as a fact about myself, even a little, it’s tolerable and not that big of a deal. if it changes over time (that would require my irl circumstances to change first and, well…), fine, i guess. but if it doesn’t… idk. It’s still a bit sad. cuz the internet is a big part of my life, one that supposedly brings me joy in various forms (the most prevalent being escapism—and i refuse to let that go, why would i hurt myself in that way).

all that to say that this gacha game closing is just one of the instances that have brought me to think more about how to engage with the things i like in a more fulfilling manner. since connecting with others is not a viable option at this point (or maybe ever), i think the only way would be to be more proactive. make or acquire something—something of my own—out of those interests. like putting more effort into writing. learning how to draw/make art. become normal and earn money to collect more merch (tie-ins) so i can be physically surrounded by things that make me happy. create the space i could never find outside, inside. i don’t care if it’s not fully enough to make up for everything i feel like i’m missing out on, because it would still be better than the loneliness and bitterness i’ve been stuck with for the longest time.

i don’t really have any definite conclusion i draw from those observations, much less a plan of action, but i just kind of went off and wrote about them anyway, i guess. there’s that.

so yeah… well, you know.

aah it’s gonna be such a chore to read over this before posting…..probably won’t (or else i might just give up on posting entirely)......nevermind, i'm doing it now lol.

rare good news is that paimon seems to be on the tail end of a very long and intense moult. last time it was that bad was when i got her and she immediately underwent the very first moult of her life. at the worst of it, last month, maybe even the month before, she was so down. so quiet and skittish. i never even had an opportunity to touch her. and as always, i was scared it might be something else, like an illness, or even a stressed-induced moult. i’ve been scared that my own irregular, unhealthy lifestyle might start to impact her. i know i don’t deserve her. at the same time, i was hesitant to take her to the vet. she can be a pretty fearful bird to begin with, so i feared that having to go through that kind of stress (the trip itself, being in an unknown place, handled by a stranger) would only make her worse. in the end, the risk of that didn’t seem worth taking cuz there was a good chance the vet would’ve just said that it was indeed just a moult and it would’ve been all that anxiety for nothing. during the time it got really bad and she was completely distant, i started to wonder if this was a glimpse into what it would be like without her here anymore. i’d already been thinking before that i would probably not want to go on after her death and this… well. it feels very real. but she’s better now. i cried when she sat on my shoulder for the first time again, and when we started playing and she tried biting my fingers or my ear. the absolute best was getting to sniff her (there is not one better smell in the world than that of a bird) + petting her until she falls asleep in my hand. I love her very much.

going back to the whole notes and writing thing… i don’t easily let myself admit to positive thoughts and feelings (fear and defeatism, i guess). still, i wanna put out there, somewhere—here being as good a place as any—that i really like writing. it’s fun (especially when it “works” lol). and it’s one of the rare things i genuinely like doing for myself, regardless of the purpose, the quality, the destination. not even talking about what comes afterwards…

it’s one of the “better,” as in tangible, ways to distract myself i can think of (goes back to what i was saying about engaging with interests in a more productive way).

at least when i’m in the middle of writing, i’m having fun.

now that i’ve started, i don’t even wanna finish this right now. i could write more, too. but then it’ll get late and i’ll be frustrated for different reasons. and if i “leave it and come back later”... well, i know there’s a good chance it’ll end up in my drafts never to see the light of day again lol. and i did want to post something on this blog specifically cuz it’s a place dear to me on the internet.

closing remarks: i’m thankful for cloud servers and birds always.

#24.8 #t

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