#(ive also been heading out around the same time 2 days out of 3 too im so so so tired)

[rsenak]

I can't fucking wait for this week to be over

[starlightdreaming]

Lucifer Morningstar x Reader! Ch. 3!

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel!

Content Warning: more… angst. with some comfort..(?) idk starve lol. blood and vulgar words. SUPER LONG CHAPTER TOO WOO! (nonproof read too)

Synopsis: after going through severe depression, you mentally and physically shut down.

Further note: THANK YOU FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPORTING MY SERIES (Lululuna) IT MAKES ME SO FUCKIGN HAPPY AAHAHAHHDVENE (this is also my favorite chapter I’ve been waiting to write HEHEHHE) ENJOY READING AS IVE ENJOYED WRITING IT - ✨Lolo💫

Chapters!: Chapter 1 ✧ Chapter 2 ✧ Chapter 3 (you are here) •<•)b ✧ Chapter 4 ✧ Chapter 5

THIS CHAPTERS SONG IS uhhHhahwueh

(optional but recommended!)

｡･:*:･ﾟLululuna･ﾟ:｡*:･｡

After sending Lucifer away, you were silent during the whole aftermath ordeal.

You stared at the ground for a long while, sitting in the middle of the court room, ignoring and blocking everyone that was talking or looking at you. In a room so loud, in your mind, it was deathly silent.

Sera went to you, tapping your shoulder softly, “come along now, Y/n,” She says, softly, “Let’s get you home, alright?” She offers, standing up, waiting for you to collect yourself and get up as well.

the carpet was drenched with a puddle of tears, you felt like a part of you was gone forever… and you weren’t ever going to get it back. You dry your tears, using your sleeves to wipe them off your face before getting up and taking Sera’s hand into your own, she held your hand softly, teleporting you to the front of your home.

“Take all the time you need.” Sera says, understanding how much pain you were going through, you have told her everything after all in your years of working with her after you and Lucifer fell apart. She teleported away as you stood at your front door for a moment, staring at the door before unlocking it and pushing it open with no effort at all, your home was dark from how late it was,

The sun was gone, put away to rest, and the moon was present, subtle and set.

You walked into your home, stars barely dimming any light in the dark home, you closed your door behind you, leaning on it with a sigh, your exhausted eyes felt puffy from all the tears you had shed after seeing Lucifer for the last time, the way he looked at you as he fell, bore into your mind, it’s been haunting you since.

‘maybe it was a mistake?’ you thought as you conversed in your head for the nth time that day, your mind was haunting you endlessly with years of torment after Lucifer left you behind, your heart and mind were always arguing with one another, your heart always begged to talk things out even if the pain was unbearable but your mind was more of in control with your body, trying to keep your heart safe, trying to keep you safe from any more suffering. you just didn’t know what to do.

Tears fell from your eyes again that night, wishing to be held and comforted by someone who would understand the same pains as you, and that someone was no one.

Down at your door you sat, hugging your knees as you cried out your pain, the exact same spot when you cried yourself to sleep on your last birthday, the last birthday you shared with Lucifer. It wasn’t a good memory to remember but… it was a memory that was telling you, ‘here we are, once again.’ and that was enough to make you cry harder as you hugged yourself with the silence screams that no one could ever see or hear…once.. again.

✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧

Day in, day out.

As time passed, you were slowly recovering from the losses of your childhood friend.

Day in, day out.

As time passed, you focused on your work behind the scenes, Emily bringing joy to those around Halo city, welcoming winners and Heaven born angels all around. With more Earth born angels arriving in Heaven, the population of the people grew, meaning more expansions of the city and more expansions of the city, meant you had to work much, much longer.

Day in, day out.

You were falling behind on your creations, being the only ‘angel’ that could make stars, Sera would often have to come and talk to you and your issues of the star makings. You and Sera both tried to get other angels to make the same stars as you, sentient and beautiful, but it was only ever botched and dull when anyone else tried to make them, leaving you at a loss. You often had to stay up in late night hours, until the sun came back up, barely ever giving you the chance to go back home and rest. After one problem, another came along, you began to feel confined behind those four walls.

Day in, day out.

Your life was just stuck in the same room, rarely ever getting out, star after star, it began to be repetitive and passionless, everything was the same.

Day in, day out.

Sera would often visit you, telling you to keep making an nth amount of stars today or tomorrow, sooner or later, she would just leave notes and piles of paperwork her employers would send to you, leaving you in the dust, life became frail and dulling, you were just a machine at that point, neglected and forgotten as you kept making sentient stars constantly.

Day in, day out.

Nothing’s new. Days, weeks, months, years, nothing was changing as you drowned more in more into a bleak and miserable office, you felt more and more empty, you would wake up and sleep, you lost track of time at this point, your office was just a mess of star dust and stars, the windows were black from the dust staining the windows making them unobtrusive, you sat on the floor in the center, feeling stuck and hopeless. Surrounded by the only thing that brought you comfort, now becoming the only thing you were ever useful for.

Day in, day out.

How long has passed? You didn’t care anymore. All you wanted was to escape and be free from this basked room of misery and self loathing, your stars became gloopy and sticky, they were melting in this room like you were.

Day in, day out.

You couldn’t bare another minute in the same room, your arms were stained black from stars that melted on you from time to time, the stars were barely ever successfully made anymore, you just couldn’t continue anymore.

Day in, day out.

Long and forgotten you were, nothing new and changing, just you in a black room, full of dust and gloopy stars. You laid there meaninglessly, your eyes lifeless and you completely numb, tired and exhausted.

Day in, day out.

Nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new.

Day in, day out.

After days of laying there, eating your own stars as survival, refusing to allow anyone into your room, Sera finally showed up for once after eons or centuries? you don’t even know anymore. She wasn’t as loving or caring as she used to be, it was to be expected since you lost sight of you as a sister and more of a machine. When she ordered you to get up and do something, you refused to respond as you continued to lay there, seeing as doing anything anymore was futile.

She commanded you again and she received no result, When she picked you up from the ground, she saw how lifeless you really were, she teleported you to a hospital, getting you attention from the doctors as quick as possible, they checked you, you were alive, obviously, but mentally, you died out long ago.

✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧

✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧

The nurses cleaned and fed you, you were barely responsive but it was progress to them if you ever reacted.

You laid in that hospital bed, day in, day out.

One day, Emily came to visit you, you didn’t bother until she used her powers on you. As the joy bringer of the people, she managed to give you a glimpse of happiness again and that was enough to bring color back into your eyes and look at her.

A nurse watching, left to contact a doctor. Emily smiled at you as she channeled her energy to you, hugging you and asking you questions to see if you would respond, it took awhile but you managed to wry a smile and tell her, “hi..” a croak in your voice from how raspy your throat felt, she tilted her head with a comforting smile, “hi,” she said, “how are you feeling?” she asks genuinely, her hand over your yours as she channeled more of her angelic energy, soothing you physically and mentally, “I’m alright.” you responded with a croaky voice, “yeah?” she asks, “yeah.” you respond.

A doctor showed up to give you a thorough check up, the nurse following and thanking Emily as she lightly laughed off the nurses praises. Your eyes were still dull but they had color now, the bags under your eyes were visible from the years lack of resting, black circles covered your eyes but seeing you be able to smile was just enough for the doctor to say you were responsive now. The doctor and nurse left the room to get you your meal or checking on other patients, leaving you and Emily once again.

Emily would talk to you, making small conversations, tell you about her day and sharing her energy with you again to make you more at ease, she even told you how Sera refused to let her see you cause you were always too busy for visitors, that was true but it was also the reason you were here in the first place. When visiting time was over she promised to come back to visit you tomorrow, you smiled at that, waving bye as she left.

Now it was you, yourself, and the white room and for once, you decided to stand up and look outside the window, the stars shined and dimmed brightly that night, the stars were the only thing making your eyes shine that night, their light reflecting off your eyes irises.

with the day done and in, you rested peacefully in that hospital bed, letting the day out.

Emily visited everyday to see you, still seeing you as a sister and telling you her life stories, she even managed to make you laugh at one point, it was a big laugh but it was genuine and thats what matters to her. At one point, you managed to ramble off about stars and the ideas you had for them, you got to show her how you made them, you tried to show her as well when she requested to guide her to make one, obviously it didn’t work but she smiled whenever she got to be given the chance to, she gave you the botched star that was lavender blue, it was small with imperfections but for the first time in the longest time, someone had given you something and you never were letting it go.

You used a little bit of your stardust to make it stick in your hair, making sure it stays there, no matter what. Emily smiled when she saw it in your hair, seeing how much it matters to you. You and Emily both spent the entire day talking and creating, sharing and conversing, it was so comforting and warm, her light was guiding you out of that dark abyss you had made for yourself and eventually- you were out the hospital.

You went back to that same office room but this time, you cleaned it, you made more stars, the neglected ones being perfected and revived, sentient and chiming. With your office cleaned you decided to get a meeting with Sera personally. It took a few days but it was accepted and eventually you were in her office, she looked at you authoritatively, not seeing you as she had once, who knows long ago.

“What is it, Y/n?” She says, sitting at her desk as you walked up to her desk and took a seat in the chair at the opposite end. “I quit.” You spoke, unhesitant, “What?” She says, rather surprised, “I quit,” you smiled, crossing your arms, “at making stars for you and the people.” you finished, watching her reaction change, “and what makes you think you can?” She says with a slightly aggressive tone, glaring at you slightly, “I am my own person, I want a new job,” You say, sitting back in your chair, “then- will I make more stars for you.” You say, your her fingers intertwined and resting on your lap, legs crossed.

She stood up, her figure towering over you from over the table, “You refused to continue your work, end up in a hospital for who knows what and now you’re asking for a new job?” She asked, feeling rather insulted like you can laze around and do whatever you want, “Yes, that’s exactly what.” You smiled, unbothered, Emily made you feel this way, like a new person, she was therapy itself in a way.

“And you think you can handle a different job? even when you couldn’t even handle your own?” She glares, you leaned forward into your chair, “got bored with the stars thing, without a doubt I can do something else.” You say looking at her smugly, making her harden her glare at you. maybe Emily gave you too much of her energy.

“Fine then.” She says, turning around, looking away from you and out the window, she snapped her fingers and a man appeared next to you, “Woah- wait, what the fuck?” He says, looking around the room, looking at Sera, then at you, “You will be working with Adam from now on,” She says, turning back to you, you and Adam staring at each other awkwardly, before he began to wiggle his eyebrows at you with a flirty smirk, “Adam, you are to train and teach Y/n, show and tell her what she will be doing.” Sera orders, you had your knees up in the chair leaning away from Adam, due to him gawking at you before he looked away to Sera, “Wait now? Don’t you think it’s too soon for any recruits?” He questions, pointing a thumb at you.

“She wanted a new job since she failed to do her own,” Sera explains to Adam as you rolled your eyes from her statement, “since she says she can handle a new one, I’m giving her this one.” Sera finishes, sitting down back in her chair, “But we were just about to start? she wont even have time to prepare?” Adam responds, scratching his horn confused from this sudden meeting, “Then I suggest you get started,” Sera commands, going back to skimming through papers, “Dismissed.” She says, as you and Adam turn to each other confused.

You both left together, him leading and you following silently and awkwardly, your confidence long and left you after Adam appeared. “So what’s your name again? Already forgot.” He says looking at you, bending down slightly for you to meet face to face, you backed away from his action, “err, Y/n.” you respond, looking away for a moment before looking back at him, “Well nice to meet you, names Adam, first man, best man.” He smiles, reaching his hand out for you to take, you hesitated before shaking his hand, wrying a smile, “pleasure.” You speak, only giving him that response.

You both exited the building before flying, going to who knows where, “soo, before we get started, should probably ask what you do before you jump in the big ordeal, what do you do and how can you benefit us?” He asks, you flying alongside him, “I can do stellar manipulation, cosmic manipulation and stellar healing but im terrible at it,” You rambled, pointing a finger up after listing off your abilities, “What I can do best is making sentient stars do my bidding, like the stars that are all over Halo city? I made those.” You smiled, “Woah! wait, you made all those things come alive? that’s fucking sick!” He says complimenting you, “So you must be a big deal huh?” He smirks, “Ehh, I guess?” You shrug slightly with a smile.

“Ohoh, if you can control those stars, then you’re perfect for this job.” He smirks as he lands, you landed behind him as you looked around at everyone, them all wearing the same suits, you were confused now, just what even is this job?

“Sir? where did you go?” a female voice asked, “Sera teleported me outta nowhere for me to bring someone along with us,” he explains pointing to you, you walk up to her, “greetings, I’m Y/n.” you smile and waved, “Lute, Adam’s Lieutenant.” She says as she straightens her posture, giving you a short and slim response. “Attention ladies! we have a sudden and new guest! this is uhh,” he pauses before leaning toward you, “fucks your name again?” he asks as you deadpanned, how does someone forget a name so fast? “Y/n.” You respond, “Y/n!” He says, “Seraphim of the stars or something.” He says, trying to make you sound like big talk, “She will be joining us today, she isn’t prepared but thats okay, she will just be an audience for today at most, so everyone prepare yourselves,” Adam says as they pull out spears, making your confusion more piqued, “and let’s this fucking show on a roll!” he shouts, a portal opening, him flying off with his lieutenant.

You were caught off guard from them suddenly flying off, you followed, a little behind but you caught up quickly to Adam, (being a seraphim and all) staying behind him and Lute, when you went through the portal, you paused in the air, confused on where in the world were you? everything was red, the sky, the ground, it wasn’t long before you started hearing screaming in the distance, the angel army was flying and attacking, monster like creatures, “What the fuck is this?” You say in shock, “Oh shit, you curse too? fucking sweet!” Adam says, showing up next to you, watching the angels slaughter the creatures, “where am I?!” You ask with a shaky voice, concern and worry filling your voice, “You’re in hell, bitch!” He says, summoning an angelic guitar made of pure gold, strumming it.

“WHAT?” You say absolutely baffled from his answer, you quickly turned to look down at the destroyed city, those little things running around and screaming, pleading for their lives as they get brutally slaughtered, “why are we killing them?! they did nothing!” You say in a terrified voice, looking back at Adam, “calm down bitch, fuck,“ He says, making you glare at him instantly, “they’re sinners! We give them divine judgment!” He smirks, flying down and killing a sinner without hesitation, “Stop it!” You tell at him, your angelic form appearing from how terrified you were to discover that your divine people were slaughtering innocent souls that have done nothing but accept their damnation, “No, you stop it!” He says, flying back up to you, making you fly back when he got too close, “Sera ordered you to follow my lead, you are under my command!” He yells back, an explosion happening behind him, a city building tumbling, you stared in guilt, you didn’t even do anything to them and yet all you could feel was pure sympathy and sorrow for those souls who didn’t deserve the judgment they were receiving.

“Now, you’re going down there and helping us kill these fuckers or you can sit and watch.” Adam orders, you didn’t have any words to respond with as you looked down at the sinners, there was a young lady who was carrying a child away from the chaos, you couldn’t help but watch, you were too stunned to process anything, Adam flew off mumbling something under his breath, definitely cursing at you but you didn’t even care at that moment.

An angel chasing quickly behind the two sinners, the angels spear charging towards the two, before you can even give a second thought, you summoned a star quickly, tossing it at the angel, hitting them down before they could hurt the two, you gasped, surprised from your own actions, you hurt an angel, the angels you’re supposed to care for and protect! you watched the angel shrug it off like nothing before flying away to a different direction, giving the sinners the chance to run, why was Heaving allowing slaughter? doesn’t this go against the very foundations of Heaven? why didn’t you know about this was ever happening? and how long has it been happening? Sera assigned you here, so it’s obvious she knows! why would she allow this- wait.. does the father of Heaven know?

You quickly flew down to the city to find Adam, to find answers, but all you saw was bloodshed and destruction, spears left behind and angels flying around like they were proud of themselves, it gave you a gut wrenching feeling, “please spare me! don’t kill me!” A voice called out, you turned to see a sinner running for their life, your eyes widen when you see an angel walking up to the sinner, a manic laugh following behind them, you ran toward the sinner and the angel, you stood between them both, stopping the angel in her tracks, “I command you to stop!” you say aggressively.

The angel taken back by your sudden actions and outburst, “What are you doing? move it.” the angel said, trying to shove you away but you pushed back and it made the angel push you completely to the ground, moved to the side, you didn’t have any attributes to physical fighting and it showed, you fell to the ground, looking up quickly to see the angel about to attack, without a second thought, you summons another star, a rather big one and made it push her aggressively, you made the star make the angel collide with a building, knocking the angel out, you gasped, not meaning to go that far but you turned to the sinner and ran to their aid, “are you okay??” you ask the terrified man before you, he looked at you in awe, you angelic features making the man stunned and mesmerized, “yes… thank yo- gh-“ the man choked, a spear through his throat, his blood splattered onto your clothes, hands and face, you closed your eyes for a moment from the sudden liquid of blood covering your face.

You opened your eyes and your eyes widened when you saw Adam and Lute in front of you, the sinner headless and long gone of life, “Fuck do you think you’re doing?” Adam said, yelling at you, you looked down and stared at the red, staining your hands, your breath hitched, you were trying to save a soul and it died immediately in front of you, before your very eyes, from feeling sympathy and sorrow, you clutched your hands tightly, a fit of rage riling up inside you, “ADAM! THIS STOPS NOW!” You shout, your angelic appearance in full as you flew into the air, cosmic dust following your form, your wings emitted cosmic dust, along with your hands, star dust following suit.

You glared at Adam, Lute glaring back at you, sensing you were about to become a threat, she immediately charged at you before swinging at you, you immediately summoned a star as a shield, side eyeing her, you made the star push her down, away from you, another star attacking her swiftly and powerfully, knocking her out too, Adam watched it happen so quickly, “What the fuck was that? what did you do to Lute?!” He says, going after you next, he was much slower but he managed to fight off your stars as he kept swinging at you, you being the faster flying, dodged easily, they may have been more experienced than you but they were so damn sloppy with their attacks. not to mention as a seraphim, you are much more stronger.

You flew higher into the air, a radiant aura forming around you, “This massacre ends now, Adam.” you say in a monotone voice, focusing on your power as you began to summon multiple stars, making all sentient at once, you were using a lot of stamina for this but you were willing to do this if it meant stopping this meaningless wrath of judgment.

You had made stars fall, multiple stars stuck onto Adam as he tried to fight them off but you made the goopy ones specifically for him, eventually he was invulnerable to move, the stars sticky and drippy, making it hard for him to struggle, you glared at Adam silently as he began to curse you out, you made a big star float flatly, carrying Lute back into the portal along with Adam as the stars took his guitar and carried it with him separately, your other stars retrieved the other angels in this army, dragging them all back forcefully to the portal, you made the other spare stars fly up to the skies and make it rain stardust in the skies, the dust was full of healing properties, making sure the sinners that survived could heal physical injuries, you hoped it was enough for them since you weren’t very experienced with the healing attributes you had, feeling your stamina drained, you flew back to the portal, closing it as you flew to the grounds of Heavens cloud, panting heavily, you had never used that much of your abilities like that before, all at once in fact.

You looked up to see Adam pissed off at, struggling to break free from goopy stars you still had on him, you laughed lightly at this, that shits kinda funny.

You splat onto the cloud, face first, regaining your stamina for a bit, meanwhile the whole army Adam had was conversing in confusing, they tried to help Adam get out of the goop but that only made the. stuck with him, you turned to lay on your back, wings following and looked up to the sky, for once, you felt rather proud of yourself for being able to full something like that but now it was the worse part to come, after recollecting your energy, you got up and flew off, dragging Adam with you, the stars of goop following as he muffled our screams.

When you returned to Sera’s office, you busted down the door with any respect, “Sera!” you shouted angrily, “We need to take about this job offer.” you grumbled, slamming your hands down her desk, the goop of stars putting Adam down as he deadpanned at you and Sera. Sera’s eyes widened from your sudden outburst and the blood covering your body, “I assume you couldn’t handle it?” Sera asked, after recollecting herself, “Handle it? I more than handled it, I dragged a whole fucking army back into Heaven!” You screamed, Sera glared as she stood up, “That was not your job, your job was to follow Adams orders!” she spoke back sternly, “This job and his orders are hypocritical to what we believe in! this is conflicting to the foundation of Heaven!” You argued back as Adam watched, Sera stared at you before sighing, “Can we speak alone about this?” she requests, eyeing Adam, signaling you to let him leave, “fine.” you scowl at her in detestation, you snap your fingers and the goop evaporated, also summoning his guitar to give back to him, “Christ, you’re a crazy bitch, you know that?” He says insultingly, he spoke as soon he got his guitar but you ignored him as the ordered the with a swift of your finger, the stars dragged him out the room and shut the door, all while you stared at Sera with displeasure.

“Why would you let winners and heaven born give divine judgment to sinners? What was your plan? What the fuck even is this job??” You began, hostility filling your voice. “The sinners were uprising, they were getting more and more bigger in population!” Sera responds, beginning her explanation, “and?” you asked unconvinced, “They were getting stronger, of they become to powerful, they may even reach the Heavens! they would take over and spread evil all over our realm.” She continues as you scoff, “and why would you think that? you doubting your fathers abilities to keep that under control?” you point out as she looks away, making you ponder, “does he even know you’re allowing your people to slaughter souls?” You ask.

She glared at you as she sat up in her seat, “He doesn’t and won’t know.” she says calmly and authoritatively, “seriously?! you’re doing this behind his back?!” You say, raising your voice in shock and anger, “unbelievable!” You say as you step beck from her desk, turning to leave her office, “and where do you think you’re going?” She asks, “where am I going? i’m going to tell all of Heaven on what the fuck you’re doing thats what!” you shout back, opening the door to leave but it shits immediately, Sera now in front of you, “you’re not going anywhere.” she says darkly, her figure towering over you as eyes appeared over her body, her angelic form showing.

You stepped back, looking at her staring daggers at her as she stepped closer to you, “and what makes you think I can’t?” you taunt, as she stood tall in front of you, “you will be silenced.” She says as pulls out an angelic spear of her own, knowing that she was threatening your life now, “What will Emily think when she finds you slaughtered her own sister?” You ask, putting up a facade of bravery, trying not show that she was getting to you, “Emily is not your sister.” Sera says aggressively and threateningly with pure hostility in her voice, seeing as that got to her it made you smug, “We’ll see when she finds out about how you allow her people kill the innocent.” You smirk with a shit-eating grin, knowing that no matter what she did, it wouldn’t turn out well for her.

It in-fact: did not turn out well for you, “We’ll see, when you’re gone for good.” She says as she swiftly moved you too quickly for you to react, her angelic spear carving your back, a mass amount of pain following as you screamed, you fell forward as she pushed you down as she stabbed her spear through her wing, making you wince in pain, adrenaline fueling your body from the shock that she actually took this path of violence. You tried to get up but she stepped on your back, pushing you back down, you look up at her in fear, her cold dead eyes staring into yours, “long before you know it, Emily will forget you even exist.” She says, swinging at your back again as you scream from agony, golden blood now mixing into the dried blood that covered you, you were shaking from terror and pain, she picked you up from your neck, as you struggled in her grasp, “stop- it!-“ you begged, trying to breathe, trying to kick her off you as golden blood dripped onto the ground in her office, she didn’t respond as she opened a portal, you turned to look, the familiar red skies before your very eyes, you turn to Sera desperately, “Don’t do this!-“ you gasped, struggling more in desperation, “You can’t!” You say, trying to pull her grasp off you, you were losing air and the stamina in your body.

“But I will.” She says with no solace or pity in her voice, she threw you into the portal with a second thought, closing it quickly, you gasped for air, adrenaline fueling your body as you regained oxygen to breathe but that was the least of your worries now, you were falling and your wings were to injured to fly, you were panicking as you tried to use your wings to fly but the pain was to unbearable, you saw your stars in the sky from earlier, protecting the sinners, thats it! thats your only ticket, you immediately tried to summon stars but it was a struggle to do so from how much power you already used from earlier, you had to overexert your abilities again, you mustered all the strength you had left within you, your angelic form showing as a bright colorful aura gleamed around you, you summoned stars but it was so hard to focus with adrenaline and panic that was fueling your body, you manage to make some stars but they were falling with you, some staying in place in the air for you to land on but you would quickly bounce off them from impact, you couldn’t focus at all, the sky rained stars that you had tried to quickly make but failed to use, it was too late as you crashed into the ground, a crater formed around you.

Your whole body hurt, it hurt more than anything you felt before, you weakly tried to sit up, you look at something glowing on the ground, you look to see a lavender blue star, the imperfect perfect star Emily had gifted you fell out of your hair, you winced in pain as your reached for the star, grabbed it and holding it to your chest as you laid back onto the ground, completely lost of any stamina and energy left to give.

Golden blood began to surround and puddle around you, the adrenaline and pain was the only thing keeping you awake right now, you laid there weakly, looking at the now red skies, you couldn’t do anything but only to try and breathe, trying to stay away, you were alone and no one in hell was going to go and try to save you. You were helpless, alone, once again. You couldn’t help but cry, scream in pain, why was this always happening to you? Why couldn’t you just find happiness? Why couldn’t the universe- help its only and dearest child? Your screams were so loud but they always heard im deaf ears, why did fate choose you to suffer this path? you screamed until you couldn’t anymore, you stared at the red sky as you waited for your in pending death. While looking at the sky, you see the stars shift toward you, raining their star dust onto you, the dust leaving soft touches on your skin, they felt like cool kisses, soothing your pain, you smiled weakly at your creations, your eyes feeling heavy as they tried closing, you fighting to keep them open but you eventually lost that battle.

eventually, everything went to black.

✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧

TAGLISTT WEEEE:

@ag-cookiebat800 @meow-meowo @kyo-kyo1 @darling-may-i @pink-apples001

[darkeralmond]

yeees i would definitely enjoy a celebrini fic <3

EYES LIKE SIRENS

previous < Chapter 1 > next

Pairing: Macklin Celebrini x Emilia Richardson

Summary: While Emilia’s is on another date in an effort to get over Macklin, she reminisces on her past HOCO proposal which made her realizes how much she likes Macklin

Warnings: Implications of sex, but no smut

Apricot Speaks: hi guys!! i missed u all sm!! i have been working hard on these and ive also been wondering if i should post these on wattpad too. lmk and pls support my writing!!

“Emilia, this is really starting to become a problem,” Clara called out from her bed. I rolled my eyes at her comment, but due to how small our room was, she saw my reflection causing her to add,“Don’t roll your eyes at me. It is a problem and you know it. This is the 3rd guy in the span of 2 weeks.”

Finally looking back at her, I replied, “Shouldn’t you be proud of the fact I’m not home moping around like I was before?” When I look back, I intensely stare at myself as I focus on acquiring the perfect cat liner.

Behind me, I heard her sigh as she jumped off her bed and making her way into the bathroom. She stopped next to me and though I wasn’t looking, I could the disapproval as she stared into the side of my head. “Maybe if you stare long enough, you can burn a hole into the side of my head and I can cancel this date.”

“Ha,” She answered dryly. I finally looked over at her when I finished the second eye with a smug smirk on my face. “Why do you even wanna go on this date?”

“Because I need to distract myself from brooding in bed all day.” I played with my hair, perfecting a natural messy but sexy look.

She huffed again signaling her distaste in it all, but it wasn’t her concern what I was doing with my free time. Even if it was in an attempt to get over M- someone. “Is your location shared at least?” She asked, raising her brows as she did so. There are so many things she does which resembles my mom which annoys me, but it at least makes me feel somewhat comforted in a way.

I smiled slightly as I answered, “Yes, Clara. I’ll text you where I’m at at times, and I’ll send the safe word if things go south.” Even with my best attempts at reassuring her that not everything will end bad, she still has the same disapproving look on her face. “Clar, I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry.” I took her hands into mine in my final attempt to assure her I’m grown and can make my own decisions.

I understand Clara’s concern, but what she doesn’t realize is that I know my date’s intentions. I knew this was only going to be a free meal followed by a one night stand, it’s basically what I signed up for when I hopped on these dating apps. All the dates she’s referring to could be considered more as hook ups and actual romantic dates. It’s what I need right after Macklin. Dammit, there goes my 10 minute streak of not thinking of him.

Sometimes I think she has mind reading super powers the way she’s able to redirect the conversation without me saying anything. “So, who’s the lucky bachelor tonight?” She asked as she holstered herself onto the sink counter.

“Jason Redding. He goes to NYU for business.” She bumped her shoulder against mine playfully, causing a small laugh to bubble out of me. “He also plays hockey, which is weird ‘cus I didn’t know they had it there.” Normally I steered clear of hockey players, but somehow Jason landed right into my DMs and it was a love story from there. And by love story, I mean his opening line being ‘This is why I prefer blondes.’

And they say chivalry is dead.

He didn’t make any effort in hiding his true intentions, which I appreciated since other ones did. He suggested taking me to dinner at a very fancy Italian restaurant before taking me to his dad’s hotel located nearby to stay for the night. Now why he was in Boston, I didn’t know.

Well that was until Clara said, “Oh! They play the boys on Tuesday. That’ll be interesting.” I forgot that Macklin had said something about playing NYU in their opening game. If I had known that I definitely would’ve cancelled on him, or never answer him at all.

“You can say that again,” I mumble. I heard my phone ding with a notification, prompting me to look down and see a message from Jason. “He’s here. I’ll text you when I leave the restaurant, alright?” I grabbed my coat off the bed and shimmied into it before tossing my purse over my shoulder.

“Please be safe!” She called out as I left our dorm. I heard the door shut behind me as I made my way towards the elevator.

When the elevator doors shut, I let out a long exhale. Not a nervous exhale, just one final sigh before I put on a fake facade for this guy for the night. Why be myself when he won’t stick along long enough for him to cherish it. I used to not be this way.

I used to be jittery going down this elevator to go out on dates. Now I felt numb and ready to get the night over with. I knew there were no feelings attached to any of these hookups that spawn in my lap, so why worry over something that’s not gonna progress. Let alone affect my future.

I thought my feelings would change eventually. That I’d meet the right guy and feel all the waves of emotions I used to feel in the past, but I haven't. It was my fault I wouldn’t either, so I knew not to feel sorry for myself.

As soon as I stepped out of the building, I wished I would’ve picked a warmer outfit. The weather in early January Boston was hellishly cold and my tights did nothing to prevent the wind from freezing my legs. At least I looked good in my skin tight leather dress.

I wasn’t suprised when I approached Jason and caught him eye fucking me. “Well, hello to you.” When I was in close enough proximity, he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my forehead. I didn’t expect this type of contact so soon, but I didn’t tense up either. I had more in store for me later anyways. “You look even better than you do in pictures.”

My fake laughs had become more convincing the more of these “dates” I go on, but at least this one was giving me stuff to work with. “You’re not too bad yourself,” I said, and I wasn’t lying either. He was super attractive. Brown eyes, blonde hair, a chiseled chin with peach fuzz. He just wasn’t my type.

He opened the car door for me, so I crawled in. The car felt so warm, causing me to melt into the seat. Before shutting the car door, Jason said, “Yeah, don’t fill up too much. I’ll have desert waiting for you in the room.” I was waiting for him to say something along those lines and it didn’t even take 5 minutes. I closed my eyes momentarily as I let the heat thaw me out.

On the way to the restaurant, it was silent minus the sound of traffic around us. With nothing else to entertain me, my mind had resorted to reminiscing on the past.

It gave me a healthy reminder on when I was young and naive, I used to fantasize about my soulmate sweeping me off my feet in a grand romantic gesture in front of a crowd of people. Guys, like Jason, have lowered my expectations of having an Uber paid for me when I used to appreciate aftercare.

…

Junior Year

I would like to believe that since my break up I was doing an incredible job on focusing strictly on myself and school. That, however, went out the window when I came to the realization that it was going to be my first homecoming dance without Westyn.

I stared at my ceiling above, taking in all the teenage version of One Direction staring back down at me. If only one of them could come to life and save me from this catastrophe, preferably Zayn. “I don’t know, maybe I should text him and ask. It will be my final time ever interacting with him.”

“Please don’t make me drive over there and snatch your phone away from you so you don’t do anything stupid,” Macklin replied on the other end of the phone.

I laughed as I rolled onto my stomach before responding, “Then you’d be late for your game.”

Without missing a beat he said, “Then, I’d risk being late for my game then.”

“Aww, you do really care about me. I thought you were heartless,” I teased him.

He scoffed, “It’d be for my own sake so I don’t have to hear you complain about him ever again.” I rolled my eyes and laughed again. He got serious again when he said, “Look, I’m sure someone will ask you soon. It’s still a month away.”

I dramatically groaned before flopping back on the mattress. “But I need to get my dress now!” I took the phone off speaker as I brought it up to my ear. . “I’ve already decided pink is my color this year and I wanna be able to find something glittery and unique.”

The sound of him driving was replaced with his laugh which caused a smile to appear on my face as my face grew warmer. “Alright, I’m pulling into the rink now. My parents will be there to get you in an hour so please be ready. Oh, and, Emilia?”

“Yeah?”

“It’ll happen,” He said in a low, almost secretive, tone which made my stomach flip for some odd reason. “Alright, see you later.”

I say bye and hang up, looking at the time on my phone. I should start getting ready now since the Celebrinis will be here in the next hour, but for now I stay laid down in my same position. . I continue to stare at my One Direction poster as I let my mind race with a million thoughts at once.

Ever since the night of Westyn and I’s break up when I came crying to Macklin, something changed within me. That night I saw some sort of spark in his eye which made me reconsider everything. His eyes drew me in like a siren, but I was able to break away and leave before anything could progress.

It had to have been my imagination, because the next day things were normal between us. Maybe it didn’t happen or maybe it’s the way Macklin naturally looks. Whatever it was, that look was dangerous.

I heard my phone ding, causing me to pick it up. Macklin had shot me a text which read:

I know ur still laying down, get up.

…

I didn’t feel crazy anymore for the way I was feeling in bed, because waiting for Macklin to come out after tonight’s win felt different. His parents didn’t help soothing my nerves any, as they were also acting weird. Like they were anticipating something.

I continued chucking it up to my own paranoia until Macklin came out of the locker room and I noticed his mom now held up her camera. “Hey, you!” He greeted me with a cheesy grin as he came out, holding his arms out for a hug. With my brows furrowed, I still accepted the hug because I wasn’t going to leave him hanging just because of my own derailing thoughts.

Without skipping a beat, Macklin’s mom announced, “Let me take a picture.” Macklin spun me quickly to face her, and part of this felt rehearsed. His grip on my waist as we posed for the picture felt tight that if I tried to squirm out of it, I would fail miserably. As my head rested against his chest, I could hear his heart racing. Maybe it was just due to post game adrenaline rush, but he also seemed nervous. I watched as Macklin’s parents, specifically his mom’s, faces lit up as they looked past us which made me think something was occurring behind us.

As if Macklin noticed it too, he glanced back as his grip loosened. I also turned my head, but in an effort to do so, I noticed a bundle of bright flowers against the black sweatshirt Macklin was wearing. I gawked at the arrangement of different pink flowers which were wrapped with a pretty pink bow. My jaw nearly dropped to the floor as he held them out for me to take.

Accepting his flowers, Macklin gently held onto my waist as he diverted my attention to the scene behind us. I was greeted by five of his teammates holding up poster paper spelling out ‘HOCO?’ with joyous grins on their faces.

I could feel my jaw beginning to cramp, indicating how long it had been open due to the amount of surprises thrown my way in the span of a minute. I thought Macklin had been acting weird about Westyn because he liked me, but it was really because he wanted to make sure I wasn’t going with Westyn.

Even though I felt relieved that my initial guess was wrong, for some odd reason my heart felt a sudden pain at the thought of Macklin not liking me. That’s a good thing though… right?

“Emilia?” Macklin spoke up, grounding me back to reality. I looked over at him and noticed the panicked features embedded on his face.

I laughed as a reaction to everything before answering, “Yes, duh!” I threw my arms around him as I grinned from ear to ear. People around gave subtle applause while his teammates cheered loudly.

When we pulled away, I captured the same look that I saw the night I came to him crying. That same longing look. My heart dropped as I swiftly shifted my eyes to look elsewhere, breaking eye contact that made me want to risk everything.

“Now, you have to find a different way to ask me to prom,” I joked as an attempt to distract myself from what could’ve happened.

He laughed before responding with, “I’m sure you’ll have a new date by then.” With that, he put an end to the delusion I’ve had for the past month. I simply nodded my head, looking back down at the flowers.

…

Now

Jason’s hand found its place on my leg, bringing me back to the present as I looked in his direction., “Are you ready to head inside, gorgeous?”

For the first time tonight I felt something that wasn’t numbness, disappointment. Disappointed that I wasn’t looking at Macklin’s smiling face. Disappointed that I let things slip through my fingers because I couldn’t balance my chaotic life.

Swallowing that feeling down, I nodded my head and answered, “Yes.”

As I was escorted inside, my head kept reeling back to what Macklin could be doing right now. What if he was seeing someone as well? What if he’s actually moved on?

No matter what I keep telling myself, thinking about Macklin is inevitable. How am I capable of moving on whenever he breaches my mind every minute of every single day. There was no possible date that could solve this yearning.

[roseworth]

Who do you think Rose's best friends in her age group are? Or should be?

well its a complicated question because i am in a constant battle with dc as to what her age group actually is. but everything i say is canon forever

first of all obviously i have to say bart allen. thats her bestie that is one of the only people she gives a shit about thats her buddy!!! ive said before that the real tragedy of bart & rose is that they just keep barely missing each other, because they meet when rose is too busy mourning her mom to make friends, then the next time they see each other is right before slade starts drugging her, then when she finally joins the team its right before bart gets aged up then dies (or whatever happened to him in oyl idk). then when they finally are on the same team at the same time the universe resets 2 weeks later :( but theyre still friends !! to me!!!! i dont care if its been 15 years theyre still besties ok

the next obvious one is eddie bloomberg <333 he is pretty much the only person on the teen titans that she consistently likes and he likes her :( she fights with literally everyone but eddie is always there for her AND always defends her when people come for her :(((( AND every time hes in danger she drops everything to find him and ouggghhgghh..... but she wasnt there when he died and we never actually get to see her reaction to his death and that kills me every day forever

anyways. sigh. the next one is jason. as much as i think he should stay away from her unfortunately they are besties and i love their dynamic 😔 i am never abandoning my "theyre just friends but she thinks its funny to pretend theyre fucking" headcanon which makes all their interactions so iconic to me. ive talked extensively about my thoughts on jayrose here so i wont go into it again but. as much as i fear for rose's characterization i DO love it when they interact </3 i want them to keep showing up together if their relationship stays ambiguous

NEXT. this one is a little bit less canon but still canon to me. connor hawke. in the secret version of robin 2021 in my head, connor & rose become besties on the island because theyre the "big kids" who are around the same age while damian & the others are like 14 so these two end up bonding. i also think rose would think it was awesome that connor was able to kill her so easily (bc the only other person who could was respawn and he only did it because he got a cheap shot while her back was turned) and then she'd be a little disappointed once she found out that connor actually doesnt kill anyone outside of the tournament. but shed still like him a lot i think bc she does tend to get along with people who dont like to kill. half the hero community looks at rose and goes "i could fix her" while she is actively making herself worse

also obviously i have to say cassie. its hard to consider them "friends" since theyre constantly fighting but i blame sean mckeever for that. theyre FRIENDS they actually do get along and so much of their arguments are really just flirting bickering :( their love language is being mean to each other but they actually do like each other ok!!!!! you have to believe me because i love them

and toni monetti!!! shoutout to the only female character rose has ever had only positive interactions with for more than 1 panel

and! i have a lot less evidence for these next few but its real to me

first of all mia dearden. they've had one interaction ever but that was enough to convince me they should be friends. this is so so important to me theyre besties and i know it

also stephanie brown. they've only been in the same room on panel once but i just know theyre secretly besties. and rose has called her cute so its yuri too

and finally. the one that i have the least evidence for is lorena marquez. you guys just have to believe me that they would be best friends. just knowing the two characters i just know they would get along so well if they were only given the chance... they could be haters together :(

anyways in conclusion rose needs more girl friends. most of the people she Actually gets along with are men and im sick and tired of it. let her make friends with girls. or better yet..... let her make out with girls

[huellitaa]

hello hello huelittaa 👋✨ do u have any tips for someone struggling with motivation to workout? or even to take a simple walk? thank uu 🤍

bee's physical activity handbook: motive 🎀 . ݁₊ ⊹

hiiii ml!!!!!!!! 🫶🏻🩷💗 sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a few days BUT IM HERE NOW !!!!! honestly this is something i also struggle with myself ,, i am still recovering from depression personally so this is still difficult for me sometimes too but these are some things i do !!!! ♡

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 1. prepare urself for the possibility

so since i know i have this problem a lot, it helps me to be prepared for this in advance. i actually have a whole notion page filled with a table of letters to myself in specific situations i find myself in a lot, this included, and have a whole archived stored of cute photos and motivation and things like articles and videos and tumblr posts on the main page and in the letters that make me wanna get up and do shit and its my LIFESAVER. (should i make a post on this?)

but i'd suggest to keep a note or page or document , physical or digital, filled with just motivation for this specific thing, like things you like about it, photos romanticising working out or going outside, songs that motivate you, etc etc etc. the list goes on but you get the point ♡

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 2. detective chapter: analysis! ♡

figure out why you dont want to. this is the main thing that helps me and its so simple but once u figure out the root u figure out the rest and this applies just the same here too. is it laziness? mental health? exhaustion? overworking? burnout? you won't be able to continue until you haven't found the actual problem. it's like trying to travel with no path to travel on.

💭𓂃 ࣪˖ 3. pep talk!

one thing i do that helps me the most is literally just lay in bed or wherever you are where ur procrastinating and thinking about this over and over and going back and forth whether to do it or not is to force the thoughts out (literally. u can envision it if it helps!) and deadass bully myself into doing it 😭😭

(🗒🎀 note: i've also found it helps for some people to do this in the mirror, just so ur face to face w urself as it were. plus u get to admire urself at the same time so its a win all around)

if ur not into harsh motivation, another thing i love, esp when im not feeling great enough to deal w harsh motivation is pretend ur giving advice to a friend or ur child in this position. this is one of the greatest pieces of advice ive ever gotten i literally cannot stress this enough. do this‼️ p.s. you can do this in ur head or out loud. i usually do some mix of both because i am a professional at talking to myself constantly literally all the time

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 4. use gratitude in ur favour!

one thing i like to do is essentially guilt trip myself into doing it. erm. you can also call this gratitude it sounds a lot better. think of how grateful you are to even have the opportunity to go outside safely to go for a walk, to be able to work out and keep urself healthy, because there's always someone who's not going to be able to do those things. it is a privilege to live your life and this should be classed as one too.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 5. all about the outlook

another thing i love that falls into the category of motivation is treating it as an act of love and luxury rather than a chore and changing ur outlook on it. for example,

"oh, i have to do this or i'm a failure" or "i really don't want to do it today"

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ into...

"i deserve to do this for myself because i deserve to be taken care of and kept in good health."

and i find this makes me so much more open to it because you do deserve it.

🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ 6. romanticism; obviously!

okayyyy i know you hear this EVERYWHERE but ‼️its‼️because‼️its true‼️ romanticism is my LIFE not a day goes by where i dont act like im a silly girl in a pink girly shoujo world, and i do this even more so when i dont wanna get up and do simple tasks like this.

some things that give me motivation via romanticism is getting dressed up and cute even if i'm just going for a walk and listening to music and appreciating the world (🗒🎀 note: i love taking pictures or going on different routes whenever i go for walks! it makes the experience so much sweeter and more enjoyable ♡), or putting on cute clothes, loud music and grabbing a pretty waterbottle and hyping myself up to do even just 10 mins of pilates because something is always better than nothing!!!!!!!!!!!

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 7. something is better than nothing

with the last note from my previous point in mind, try and always do just a little bit, even if it's not the amount you intended. say you wanted to workout for 20 minutes every day, but you really weren't feeling it today? do 10 instead. this way ur still doing something. we always have tomorrow. take it at ur own pace. you wanted to go running every day? just go for a walk. you can always try again. there is no limit on how many attempts you have with these things. this is always better than just doing nothing at all. this is basically finding the middle ground when you do these things. which leads me onto my final point ,,♡

✨️𓂃 ࣪˖ 8. finding the middle ground

the no.1 thing in all of this is please don't beat urself up for it if you don't feel like it sometimes, but still keep to it as best as possible. say for example you really didn't want to one day but you had no real reason not to, you should still do it. but if your emotional or physical health or anything like that is in a bad place right now, then allow urself to skip for a day or two. dont beat urself up over it, but keep to it when and where you can because i know its difficult sometimes ♡

all my love, and u got this!!!!!!!!!! 🩷🫶🏻💬💗🎀

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hi mara-

ive been bedridden with a severe chronic illness for a little while now, i have very little to look forward to but your art and writing and the orsday programming has been a huge comfort for me during this time, i want to thank you

i also dont know anyone who has read as much stephen king as me except for you- have you read many of his short stories? i really liked the Different Seasons compilation

hi anonymous, drew this for you;

thank yourself! you:re the miraculous little machine that keeps going and finding new things to burn as fuel day-after-day -- for me, too: for some reason for me all my reason-to-be is trying out "new yogurt concoctions" i make for myself the night-prior to be had in the morning (tomorrows is trying to make it taste like strawberry funnelcake using minced pieces of pastry i don:t want to eat + strawberry yogurt i had on bogo and need to use);

or reading new books (i finished The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison last night (i really liked it; made me think of the big brained scientist yakub making a race of demonic imps, 'cause of how the encroaching whiteness is like this creeping little force with shining blue eyes that casts forth this RAY that eats up the land and the people with this dull rapture-spell that erases what-was and replaces it with demonic grounds and hypnotized demonic thoughts; like carpenter ants in the wood roof transforming it slowly on the inside, i thought "wow, i:m a demonic carpenter ant" but also "i:m really in love with the word-choice toni morrison uses to describe certain things and it makes me think about all the linguistic quirks stephen king uses (ex: his love of the description "full dark") that likely comes from the personality and the upbringing -- toni writes about watermelon heart meat and boiling blackberries and i think "that comes from life and you can:t replicate those little quirks and thoughts", but also i thought "wow toni morrison is like if joyce carol oates was a good author");

or getting sandwich on sunday;

all simple and dumb things that keep me living for dumb and simple reasons; i mean all of that to say: i think you are more amazing than me in this situation, much in the same way that i:d hope i:d be more amazing to myself than that sandwich i get on sunday--sunday sandwich can be replaced with something new, but me (and YOU) can:t.

but i:ll do my best to keep writing :-))! (lately though i:m unsure what could be too uplifting considering i:ve just been writing about thought control from a dream; and the thought control in my dreams -- it comes coded with patterned contices; ex: think and the world 'shifts' and responds in a real, physical way: thoughts are being scanned lately, in a way that makes me think is unreal, but has to be obeyed; ex: i pray uncertain to do vows on the sabbath because i worry the environment has been contaminated with an etiquette breach and i:ll start to further foul the labyrinth i:ve built inside myself, then: a door opens and all the dogs run out; and i think: "here is god speaking" and i think further "my thoughts are inflamed and not mine, these thoughts are not mine, i have never been thinking and this voice is not me it is an alien and i can:t stop listening to it but i have to know it is not me" and then "i have to let the carcass do the vows and ignore thinking, and live on automatic discipline and etiquette and clean without thinking except chanting in my head repeated '1, 2, 3, 4 .. 1, 2 .. 3, 4 .. 5, 6.. 7, 8.. 1, 2, 3, 4..');

re: stephen king -- i love him; i started reading him last (?) year around october, with Salems Lot and 1) loved how much his writing reminded me of visual novels; they:re very character-driven and fun and King is an amazing "scene setter" and "story teller," in a way i can:t right well describe except that "it feels exactly like i am reading a novel adaptation of a visual novel." but i dropped Salems Lot because, though i was really enjoying it, i wanted to read other stuff and the book length were wearing me down;

then: i rediscovered a love for King via audiobooks and needing something to listen to while i was swearing off music and spending my entire days doing nothing but cleaning, cooking, exercising, and working; i:ve listened to:

Tommyknockers, Nos4a2 (Joe Hill but it counts; it:s like if King wrote Jojos Bizarre Adventure), It, Carrie, The Dead Zone, Cujo, Needful Things, Dolores Claiborne, Four Past Midnight, Desperation, The Regulators, Bag of Bones, From a Buick 8, Lisey's Story, Duma Key, Joyland, Mr. Mercedes, Revival, and Hearts in Atlantis; i:m listening to The Stand at the moment and nearly done with it -- really enjoying it.

He:s really become one of my favorite authors. King doesn:t have the best prose but i super adore his imagination and just how well he tells situations--this is dumb but lately when i play visual novels i just think "this is nearly in every-way worse than a stephen king book." he:s just fun and he translates so perfectly into audiobook format; only book of his i:ve read so far that i:ve disliked is It.

Regarding your question about his short stories: only Four Past and Hearts in Atlantis -- but i think these barely count as short story collections since they:re really just both four novellas collected; Hearts in Atlantis is amazing for "Low Men in Yellow Coats" which might be near the top of his stories for me; Four Past was really good, too, with Library Policeman being my favorite from it. I:ve been slowly listening to Night Shift whenever I finish an audiobook at work and still have some hours left in my shift, but I really dislike this because it takes me ~thirty-sixty minutes to 'anchor' myself in a story to figure out names for characters and locations, and typically the stories in Night Shift end before i really can follow the story at all--example: the story about the rats? i finished that without zero idea what happened, completely washed over me. i:ll likely skip the short stories if i never find physical copies of them.

i love king though! i:d like to read all of his works; i:m going through him chronologically atm.

anyways, take care king-reading anonymous

[nerice]

ok. winter season thots

(continuing) ao no hako, though ive grown more and more lukewarm on it with every episode. hina should've been aroace send post

(continuing) chikyuu no undou ni tsuite aka orbshow, second cour lfgggg i miss badeni's bald little head so much :(

100 girlfriends s2, i feel like the charm has worn off a little but it's simply too entertaining to jump ship from, also i need to view hakari's insane horny exploits. i forgot abt her upper thigh mole and lord jesus chara design of all time fr fr

apothecary diaries s2, glad to be back!!!! this one's just solid i have no notes same gripes abt convoluted mysteries as before, same none of my gripes matter bc maomao nd jinshi are just that good w.

zenshuu, was my high profile high hopes pick and while the animation is stellar that is about the only redeeming quality it has. the problem with getting reincarnated into a shitty isekai anime is that. it's still a shitty isekai setting like they could've given any of the charas actual good designs and i wld be all over it but it's so fucking bland im sorry. doubly offended bc they have the Designated Refined Magical Archer Girlie that cld have been the highlight of my season, alas we will sideline her as is the trope. kys. also the way the zenshuu overhaul is used has been.... so boring..... i thought she'd be doing actual environmental/story retcons rather than Summon Monster That Wipes Out Enemies. what a waste

okitsura, singlehandedly swung this season around for me. okinawa language+culture focus, solid love triangle, stupid humor (a zombieland saga AND evangelion reference in the first episode alone) it's so fucking good. kyan's design is also @/me in ways im not getting into rn but i am EATING >:3

aquarion (myth of emotions) ok listen i went into this unaware it was part of a franchise. am now debating whether to go back and watch prev installments since apparently they are somewhat standalone nd this show gave enough of a gist that i'm not totally lost. just hard to tell if it'd be more enjoyable with full context or the other way around where it leaves me wanting to discover the full story after the fact. thinking on it. also the soundtrack goes HARD

hanashura, god BLESS the girls hanging out and doing things genre. breath of fresh fucking air, bonus points for airing right when i'm back in japanese study cycle bc i can rly rly appreciate the readings they're doing >:3

koishima, frankly run of the mill hs romance stint idk if i care enough to stick with it but was entertaining enough. what rly fkcin trips me up is the fact that it's set during covid but only like, vaguely? legally distinct 'infectious disease' that cancelled everyone's inter high's but we are still going 2 school and having swim club meets?????? lmao

sakamoto days, ik it's a beloved fan favourite. the gags are funny enough but it's not hitting sxf highs or anything. i'm curious to see if smth will pull me in more (one girl design from the op.....) but mostly just a fun weekly dinner entertainment show

pour one out for fate/strange fake i didn't know it was a leaked pre-screening my investment economy is in shambles. whichever season it drops in tho SOTY, AOTY thanks

[winterchimez]

your moots as flowers? :3

omg hi anon!! this is such a fun ask/game & i'll try my best as i look through the list of flowers on google asdkjadnk

@sungbeam - sunflower (adoration & loyalty) im sure everyone thinks the same way abt you but you're literally a CELEBRITY, the best 妹妹 ever on this earth and where are my photographers at we planning a red carpet for you rn 😤 (btw it just so happens that sunflowers = changmin so 😙)

@from-izzy - forget-me-not (true love & memories) if the meaning doesn't speak for itself enough then idk what will. forever my soulmate till the end 💜 (also now its my turn to get mad at you for *coughs* 😄)

@justalildumpling - roses (love, passion, beauty) if you ain't the hottest and prettiest writer out there then idk who is my bestest dongsaeng ilysm 🫶🏻

@ethereal-engene - gerbera daisy (cheerful & innocence) you're literally a ray of sunshine you make me laugh a lot (esp with the challenge that you have been taunting me for months now 🌚

@daisyvisions - daffodil (new beginnings & rebirth) with what you have told us in our gc abt your irl stuff i think this suits you best!! also cs you're our unnie & i somewhat think yellow suits you a lot 💛

@aimeecarreros - chrysanthemum (friendship, joy, honesty) literally one of the funniest people ive ever met, never change. waiting for the day we meet in person to scream at the top of our lungs out AMEN 😘

@snowflakewhispers - freesia (friendship, trust) you know too much about me & my sister from my neighbouring country. here's to more bickering & saving each other asses whenever & always 😙🩷

@drunkdrazed - aster (patience & elegance) you're literally the sweetest person i know & you're always treating everyone around you with so much love & patience i don't deserve you 🥹🫶🏻💗

@h0mebody-heaven orchid (beauty & strength) literally one of the toughest ppl i know!! im so so glad we hit off right away & heres to us praying that we take over as wayv managers in the future AMEN 😤

@kyaroscuro - lavender (calm, serenity, devotion) another sweetest person ever like where are yall coming from 🥹 glad we hit off almost right away (i think it was bcs of my hyunjae series if im not wrong jasnkand) here's to more convos & stories abt both of our new adventures irl!! 💪

@stealanity - hibiscus (delicate beauty) matty unnie isn't just beautiful on the outside but on the inside too!! literally such a reliable older sister that i've met here and i know that i can always count on you no matter what. i miss you a lot & i always wish you all the best in everything you do unnie 🥺🫶🏻 @quaissants pansy (love & affection) my OG gremlin i love you loads (even though you torture me with daddy sangyeon pics every single time we try to start a conversation but know that i always got your back no matter what ❤️

@sanaxo-o crocus (cheerfulness) you're 1/2 of my gremlin and you're literally so unhinged (like sometimes i honestly dk what goes on in that head of yours kasdnaksjdk) but i think it's only bcs we're this close that we could literally talk abt anything (even if sometimes they made absolutely no sense but it's always fun talking to you, and i miss you a lot my sabrina wifey 🧡)

@cloverdaisies gladiolus (strength of character) the OG toughest person i know. forever clo my love, and i promise you that our frienship is def gonna last for decades, and i will get my ass to EU again one day so JUST YOU WAIT 💚

@kimsohn sorrel (love, healing, protection) my maya 🫶🏻 i would literally drop everything for you and protect you at all cost 😤 i treasure you sm and know that im always here for you no matter what 🩵

@gluion camellia / tsubaki (strength & bravery) honestly i feel like moni can do literally ANYTHING like they're so frickin talented in everything they do and i admire them loads 🥹❤️

@mosviqu goldenrod (encouragement & growth) bar is literally the sweetest like you're always keeping so many of us in check 🥹 coming to ask how we have been doing, and just the best at giving ppl words of encouragement which lowkey makes me forget that you're younger than me sometimes kankajsn

@juyeonszn zinnia (thoughts of friends) it's been a while since we last catched up, but im sure you're out there busy doing everything you can to survive!! im always rooting for you and i wish you nothing but the best in everything you do!! miss you loads my bubba 🤍

@itsbeeble ivy (affection, friendship, fidelity) my pookie 🥰 we're always hyping each other up, and you have no idea how honoured i am to be your moot like i was one of your biggest fans / reader before (and i still am!!!) i love you so bad 😔💚

@strayed-quokka salvia (wisdom) my other daddy sangyeon half (even though you refuse to share 90% of the time 😒) literally if talent was a person it's definitely lennon. again, someone that i really look up to and so glad we became mutuals 💛

[qwuilty]

Also something ive been stirring on a little but mini headcanon post, what i imagine the main dudes (+ movie dude) wearing besides just Their Fit

I list their time of release since i generally imagine the games take place around the same time (also i dont know brands but like. Assume theyre wearing a knock off if there is any |D)

Postal 1 Dude (1997):

He naturally gravitates towards shirts with longer sleeves, baggy army style pants, and anything that obscures his form more than reveals it. Hes one of the more prone to body issues group out of the dudes, so its just better for his comfort.

Though Postal 1 takes place in 1997, i imagine his fashion sense kind of lags behind the trends for three main reasons: 1) Costs too much to keep up, 2) He legitmately doesnt really understand whats "in" until its already "out", and 3) he tends to buy a lot of his clothes second hand anyways.

Postal 2 Dude (2003):

Postal 2 dude has probably one of the smallest closets out of any dude, hes the kind to wear the same outfit for several days, spending excess money isnt really his thing. (Thats good health pipe money after all.)

What he lacks in amount compared to p1 he makes up for in being more comfortable in his body. Comparatively so at least. He wears a lot of old band t-shirts, tank tops, band shirts turned INTO tank tops. The nicest pair of shorts he owns are those tripp style ones, and thats because he stole them off of a guy who tried to mug him once.

Also yes. He wears those socks AND sandals at the same time.

Postal 3 Dude (2011):

For this one i get to explain how i imagine Postal 3's place in the canon, yay!

So i imagine Postal 3 as sort of an eternal repeating scenario in 2's head for that time in the coma, a sort of never ending adventure in a looping sandbox for p3 until he woke up. And while p3 does get that bonus of wearing whatever he'd like as more of a mental being... It also means he's got eternal 2011 fashion.

He wears a lot of cheesy shirts of the time, probably being one of few Dudes youd ever find in skinny jeans. His clothing choices are a little "douchey" to explain the vibe, but he enjoys it at least. If more so thinking about him showing up around p4's time, he shifts to more of a Step Dad type feel.

Postal 4 Dude (2022):

In a better mental state after divorcing his wife (in a rather.. explosive way and all) and calming down more in his later years, p4 has picked up a very "Fuck it, we ball" approach to fashion. He mixes and matches with little regard for appearance, more so how it feels on him. A lot of his clothes are also thrifted, and he loves picking out the more... interesting ones.

I couldnt find it on the editor i use, but i imagine him and p2 would wear those kind of shirts you find with an airbrushed on copyrighted character and someones name on it. And no, its not even his name.

Postal Movie Dude (2008):

And finally as a little bonus, i imagine movie dude's fashion is one of the more "normal" ones. He does a lot of walking for errands so he tends to pick lighter, more sporty clothes and he trends towards lighter colors.

His fashion is also partially due to Uncle Dave's influence, more 70s inspiration, tiedye shirts, maybe even a bracelet or a necklace from Dave for helping him out here and there.

[violadiaries]

Fluffcember Day 2 - Story 2

@fluff-cember

Prompt: Winter Flu + Coming Home

Fandom: Final Fantasy IV (The After Years)

Pairing: Golbez x Kain

Additional Warnings(?): Golbez Living in Baron; Post Canon

Cross Posted on AO3 (Chapter 3)

Kain was able to sense the shift in the air as soon as he walked into the house. He hadn't been gone for long this time, the mission taking him and the Red Wings not too far away. It had been over relatively quick as well, with all of them happy to be home. Mostly because it was cold and the snow was lying as a thick blanket on the ground. The younger cadets wanted to play in the snow, no matter how much they denied it, and the older soldiers wanted to be with their families.

Kain himself would have been lying if he had told anyone he'd rather spend the time out and about instead of at home. In the past maybe, but even he would readily admit that his own past behaviour when it came to training and the likes has not been healthy. He was glad to be back, being able to make a tea for Golbez and himself, and just sit together in front of their fireplace. Cuddling a little bit, letting Golbez rant about his research and in turn ranting about the mission. That had been the plan. Until Kain had entered the house.

The air was thick with magic. Uncontrolled magic. If anyone weaker had opened the door, they would have fainted. And that was if he put it lightly. But Kain knew exactly whose magic it was, who else' could it possibly be, after all. Yet Golbez never lost control of himself like this. Not even when they had sex. Which meant something must be very, very wrong right now.

Plans for a cosy evening abandoned, Kain only set his spear aside and rushed to their bedroom. Whatever had happened had caused Golbez to lose control of himself. Or his magic. Had he been attacked? Would it happen again, in the same exact house? Would Kain once again lose someone here in his childhood home, powerless to do anything about it? Just like he had lost his mother, years before? Before he entered he shook his head and took a deep breath. Golbez was strong enough to take care of himself. To protect himself. Certainly it was something else.

As he opened the door, the first thing Kain noticed was how unbearably heated the air was. The second was Golbez himself. Lying in bed, blankets held close to himself. He had his eyes open, blown wide and staring at the door. As if Kain had grown a second head in the seconds he had been standing there. Though the slight flush on Golbez's face, paired with the fact that the older man almost never slept with a blanket told Kain everything he needed to know.

He let out a long sigh, both relieved and somewhat helpless. He hadn't even thought Lunarians could get sick. Cecil had never been sick in the entirety of time they had known each other. This was also the first time he saw Golbez like that. Even Ceodore, who only shared a fourth of that lineage was always the spitting image of health. Before Golbez could say anything Kain had turned around again. Just because Cecil had never been sick, didn't mean Kain hadn't helped Rosa's mother take care of her, whenever she had caught something. So he knew at least the basics.

First he got rid of his own armour. He could slip into something comfortable and wash up once Golbez was asleep, so for now the leotard he wore underneath his armour would have to suffice. Next he put water into the kettle and put it on a stove, before searching their cabinets for the necessary ingredients for a simple, and light soup. Only finding that they practically had nothing at home. Right, he had thought about suggesting to skip dinner, and just go shopping the next day. Knowing full well that Golbez would eat in the castle whenever Kain was out. So tea for now would have to suffice.

While the water heated up, Kain filled a little basin with water and took out a small towel. At least that much he would be able to do. First thing in the morning he would usher Golbez into the bathroom, to take a hot bath and change their sheets while he was warming up. And then go shopping for groceries, all the while telling Cecil he'd have to wait for that mission report a little longer than usual.

Kain walked to their bedroom again, approaching the bed and setting the basin down on the bedside table.

"I'm fine…" Golbez croaked out.

His normally pleasantly deep voice, rough and cracking. Causing Kain to let out another sigh. He knew he was the same, so he had no right to get angry at him. It still did frustrate him a little bit.

Kain contemplated getting a chair to sit down before just sitting down on the edge of the bed. He soaked the cloth in the water, wrung it out and started wiping away some sweat from Golbez face. Now the only question remaining was to figure out how long exactly Golbez had been sick already. Not that he could ask anyone, because Kain knew he hadn't said anything.

"You're not, Theodore," Kain said.

Golbez grumbled something inaudible to which Kain only raised an eyebrow and smiled. Well this wasn't much different from Cecil whenever he had to stay in bed because an injury.

After having wiped his face down at least a bit and rinsed out the cloth again to put it on Golbez' forehead, Kain stood up and approached the magic stones. He gently touched each of them, draining them slightly of their magic to let the room cool down somewhat. Not too much, but a little bit. Uncaring about the small burns on his fingertips he got from the almost scalding heat. That much he easily fixed with some healing magic, before it could become a problem. Or before Golbez would notice.

He did make a mental not of that for the next time though Golbez even so much appeared to get sick. The temperature of the room. He already knew that Lunarians had an abnormally high body temperature, Cecil and Golbez even as halflings no exception. Which was why both of them rarely got cold. Apparently they needed an even warmer environment once they got sick.

"Can…you stay?"

Kain blinked against the magic stone he was standing in front of, before turning around. He almost hadn't heard Golbez' voice and even then. It sounded so vulnerable, that Kain didn't register at first that it belonged to him. So foreign to him.

Golbez had turned onto his side, blanked pulled in front of his mouth, which had muffled his voice even more. When Kain didn't say anything he made a move to turn away, shrinking ever so slightly. Kain was faster though, being by the bed in record time, and sitting down again, one hand on Golbez' shoulder. A soft smile on his face.

"I'll just make you a tea and throw on something more comfortable, alright? And then I'm right back, and won't go anywhere," he said.

Kain kept his voice calm and low. Soft, as if talking to a frightened animal. This would take some getting used to. Though Kain wasn't anything if not flexible. He would make this work, without scaring Golbez away. This was a new experience, and even if Kain had never thought he would make it, he would shoulder it.

Golbez nodded slowly after staring at Kain for a little while longer. Kain stood up and took some of his clothes with him to get changed. Golbez' response and overall behaviour did cause a question to pop up in Kain's head though. Had he ever been sick while under Zemus' control? If yes, how had that gone. Kain supposed on the Blue Moon they had much more advanced technologies, making it possible to treat a little cold in record time. And even if, with how he had gotten to know him, FuSoYa surely would have taken good care of Golbez in such a situation. But he seemed almost scared. The look he had given Kain when he had first seen him in this state came to mind as well.

Kain took a deep breath to keep himself calm. He could address that issue later. Not right now. Right now Kain rushed to get the boiling water off the stove and finish preparing the tea. And while that steeped he walked to their bathroom and quickly washed the worst of grime and sweat from his body and changed into a simple shirt and pants, both hanging loosely from his body. Just like he liked. By the time he was done he was positive that the tea should also be finished, so he took the leaves out and grabbed a small cup together with the kettle he had prepared it in.

Golbez hadn't changed his position in the time Kain had been gone, when he got back in the room. Kain approached the bed again, setting aside the cup and kettle to check on the small towel he had placed on Golbez' forehead. Sighing as he found it completed heated already.

"If something is uncomfortable or hurts, please tell me, alright?" Kain said.

Golbez made a small, affirmative noise and when Kain looked at him while cooling the towel down in the water a little bit, he also nodded. It was a reluctant motion, telling Kain he would have to watch out for every little clue instead of waiting until Golbez said something.

He definitely seemed uncomfortable to have even been caught like that. Golbez had probably hoped that Kain wouldn't be back until he was better again. Kain even had half a mind why he had been afraid and uncomfortable of Kain seeing him like this. Though right now his priority was getting Golbez on his feet again, and not to get angry at something that happened in the past. Something he couldn't have even done anything about. He hadn't even known Golbez back then, after all.

Kain poured some of the tea into the cup and looked at Golbez. He helped him sit up, so he could drink at least a little bit. If he was anything like Kain himself whenever he got sick, he definitely had neglected himself in hopes of some sleep being able to get rid of the base problem.

"Just one cup, alright?" he asked.

Golbez let out a sigh, breathing heavier than normally. He probably couldn't properly breath through his nose. He still let Kain help him get into a sitting position and took the cup from him.

As he sipped the tea, a content sigh left his lips, causing a smile to spread on Kain's. Kain probably wasn't the only one who Golbez had wanted to avoid being seen by. Cecil or FuSoYa definitely hadn't seen or heard from him since he had gotten sick as well. Which wasn't rare, whenever Golbez got particularly caught up in his own magic research. So they probably didn't even suspect something was wrong.

"Sorry…" he mumbled.

Kain shook his head and stood up to get some more blankets. He definitely would tease him with that once he was healthy again. And only because Golbez just loved to tease Kain for hogging blankets every night. It was a pleasant change for once. Even if the circumstances were anything but.

"Don't be. You're not alone anymore, Theodore. I'm here, and I'll take care of you, alright? So you just focus on getting better again," he said.

Kain pulled some blankets out of their closet, smiling to himself. In his youth he had imagined days like this together with Rosa. While everything had happened, he had thought he had lost his chance at a domestic life like this forever. While he had been in his self imposed exile he hadn't even thought he would ever go back to Baron and settle down. And even after he had come back, he only had thought about work. Only after Golbez had come back, not long after he had initially left, FuSoYa and the Blue Moon on tow, he had started to think he might be able to settle down. Be able to come home to someone after he was done with the Red Wings. After long missions or troublesome training sessions.

Kain chuckled to himself and shook his head, as he returned to the bed, draping the blankets over Golbez. Who was watching him the entire time. He wasn't saying anything, and while Kain couldn't read his mind, like Golbez could do, he knew. Letting out a sigh he stood next to the bed, placing his hands on his hips.

"Well?" Kain asked.

Golbez eyes widened before he slightly shrunk under Kain's gaze. By now Kain knew how to read him, even if it had been a little bit hard at first. Well enough to even stump FuSoYa at times at that.

The moment Golbez had raised the blankets and scooted over, Kain climbed into bed next to him. Golbez had his arms around him before he even had settled down properly, his face buried int he nape of his neck. At least he was still holding the tea cup in his hands as well.

"Thank you…" he mumbled.

Kain chuckled and shook his head, settling against Golbez' larger frame. Once again surprised how perfectly their bodies fit together.

"Love you…" Golbez added.

Kain hummed and closed his eyes. For the moment he didn't even particularly care that the possibility was rather high that Golbez would get him sick as well.

"I love you, too," Kain whispered.

He could tell that Golbez was smiling against his skin. And for now he would let him stay like this. In the morning he could see if he could get any herbs at the market to get his fever to go down, and make him something nice to eat. As well as get him into a hot bath and clean clothes.

And if a few days later, Golbez told some little white lies, while explaining to Cecil just how exactly Kain had gotten sick and would be confined to the bed for a few days, that would be another story, for another day.

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

ok wait now i wanna talk abt weird/interesting things from my experience getting top surgery. ive seen other ppl talk abt some of these things b4 but not all of em

i thought my surgeon was gonna do the incision, like, underneath the curve of my tiddies?? he ended up kinda slicing thru the middle of them, so my scars run over the middle of my pecs, not underneath them

speaking of; ig my pecs are more developed than i thought since my chest isnt like perfectly flat but rather both my pecs have a layer of fat/flesh on them and i can feel the muscle underneath

also the dip/space inbetween from when i had tiddies looks p much exactly the same, my surgeon said sometimes it ends up buldging out and a revision is needed but thankfully that didnt happen to me

the discharge nurse let me know afterwards that my tits were 11 kilograms (right 6kg and left 5kg) like no fucking wonder i have back pain at the tender age of 19

so yknow how pain raises ur body temp and makes u sweat?? immediately upon waking up i was so warm and damp i told a nurse id soiled myself and needed a change of underwear, i hadnt! i was just really fucking sweaty lol

i also threw up twice after waking up (fortunately into containers both times), turns out anesthetic doesnt agree w/ me, also it was like a dark bottle green?? since id been fasting from the night b4 ig i was bringing up nothing but bile

pre-surgery they cldnt get the IV in my left hand and had to switch to my right and ig that made my heart rate pick up bc one of the asistants immediately came by my head and talked to me to calm me down, he was rlly nice :)

im p sure i conked out within seconds of them getting the IV in and starting up the anesthetic too, none of that 'count back from 10' shit, i took like 2 and a half deep breathes and was OUT

from a combination of the iodine and natural swelling/bruising my chest looked REALLY yellow for like 3 weeks after surgery

i got sent home the same day i got my surgery, they keep some ppl over night if theres complications but apparantly i was all good to go after resting in the post-op ward for few hours

speaking of, i woke up, puked, got some water, dicked around on tumblr, called my mum, took an 'i lived bitch' selfie, slept for a few hours, woke up, went on tumblr again, got dressed w/ some help from a nurse, pissed (by myself, woo!), and then got discharged

my scars are uneven! my left incision goes further under my armpit than my right one, and my scars vary in thickness, it actually looks kinda like ive got two scars on my left side bc it thins out so much in the middle for a few milimeters

my nipples are also a lil uneven and they ended up puckering up as they healed so i kinda looks like ive always got stiff nips oops, also theyre more brown than pink

apparantly that might be bc they took the nipple graft from my areaola bc they werent able to graft the actual nipple, idk ¯_(ツ)_/¯, obvi it doesnt look perfectly like a cis guy's nipples but i knew the chances of achieving that were relatively small + p dependent on how i healed so like im not too bothered by it

my surgeon used dissolvable stitches and one of em ended up poking out thru my scar a lil b4 it disolved, which was weird

showering w/ a plastic sandwich bag duct taped to ur chest so u dont get ur scars and nips wet is An Experience TM i'll tell u that

my scars stretched!! it happens!! esp if u raise ur arms, which u will inevitably have to do eventually, idk if they'll ever fade on their own or if i'll need scar revision treatment in the future but fortunately they didnt go keloid

my surgeon used what he called crosshatched stitching rather than drains so that saved me a lot of discomfort, i DID get a slight build up of like, i think around 40ish mls of fluid in my left side a few weeks after surgery, but my surgeon dealt w/ it by p much just poking it w/ a syringe and draining it out lol

which i didnt even feel him do at the time bc of the nerve damage lmao, which was weird asf since i could very much SEE him sticking the needle in but couldnt feel it at all

i regained my mobility like, straight away?? my surgeon said bc im young + relatively healthy it was likely that id bounce back from surgery quick but like,, i had none of the exhaustion, pain, or immobility ive seen ppl describe??

i couldnt lift my arms very high for a while obvi but like i was fine dressing myself and even washing my own hair if i just leaned over

having to sleep upright for a few weeks after surgery was v annoying since i usually rotate like a shawarma trying to find a comfy sleeping position

the post-op chest binder was sensory hell bc it was scratchy and it kept slipping down my back since it had no shoulder straps, also i accidentally bruised my ribs a lil bit by wearing it too tight oops, the fuckin relief i felt when they told me i cld stop wearing it

the post-op 'please wear these at all times so u dont get thrombosis' socks were p comfy tho, idk why they didnt cover my toes tho

regaining the sensation around ur scars is weird! my right side's been completely fine but ig bc my left scar is thicker + longer ive been getting some pain n tightness, its not a persistent issue or anything but its just kind weird bc ive never had any surgeries or major injuries to heal from before this one

u will have to get ur boobs felt up and examined probaby multiple times b4 surgery, this will feel very different from touching ur own boobs and, in my case, was ticklish??

my posture has improved somewhat since getting top surgey, what not having 11kg of weight hanging off ur chest and compressing it in towards ur ribs/spine for roughly 9 hours a day will do to a mf ig

[edgeasaurus]

Day 1 of top surgery

The capital day of surgery we had to get there about 2-3 hours before the actually procedure for admittance, IV, prepping, ECT. So we were scheduled to come in at 5 am for a surgery time of 7:30 am. We got there, went to general admission I gave them my emergency contact, signed some paperwork consisting of consent forms, hippa forms, and general stuff like that. Then we went to the surgery admissions. Once there they sent us to a surgery suit. Game me a cup for a urine sample, had me brush my teeth with a cleaning solution, had me clean the inside of my nose and had me change into the surgical gown.

They asked if I had any implants or anything metal, I told them about my facial piercings, which they put tape over, and my permanent retainer. Which wasn't something I really thought about and was an offhand "oh yeah I do have this" but am glad I remembered to tell the nurse.

The stuff for my teeth was had the same consistency of water but was minty and bubbled up a bit when I brushed my teeth, it was pretty sweet too. Not too unpleasant if you like mint ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯.

The nose cleaning was a lot like that orange stuff they wipe down the surgical site. Pretty goopy and I was told to wipe off a bit of the goo before using it. It did burn a little bit especially near my piercing, but was mainly like when you breath in 99% and it just kinda burns a bit.

After all that and I was changed into my gown the nurse came in to put in my IV, there was a numbing shot and then the IV. it didn't hurt and I was glad to have my sister and my mom there to distract me. I told the nurse of my apprehension and she explained to me the whole process with the needle and the IV and how it was put in and everything. Which was very reassuring for me as I like to know everything that's going on.

The saline itself was cold, and I could feel the coldness in my hand and arm and felt it slowly deep up further and further, though the chill did end before my shoulder. I didn't like the feeling, but my brother in law does. Had I known that it was have been cold I might have felt less unnerved about it.

At some point the tape around the IV started to really itch and aggravate my hand, I told the nurse about it and she gave me a large pack of ice to help.

I met the surgical nurse, the anesthesiologist, and my surgeon. The anesthesiologist told me what his process was. The anesthesia, the oxygen mask, and a breathing tube, the surgery would start, finish, and he would wake me up, then the tube would come out, I'd get oxygen, and be wheeled into a recovery room.

I do not remember anything between getting into place on the operating table and being offered crackers to make sure I could handle food on my stomach.

After I met the doctor the nurse came in, put socks on me, out a drive to prevent clots on my legs, covered me with a blanket and wheeled me out to the OR. I was warned it would be cold, bright, and probably a little scary. The nurses were very kind and led me through everything that would happen up until I fell asleep. They transferred me onto the bed and gave me some warm blankets and then I was pretty much out.

I woke up in another room, not the recovery room, where a nurse gave me sierra mist, some crackers and blankets until my body temp went back up. The blankets were pre warmed and very nice. After that I fell asleep again and woke up in the recovery room, where my mom and sister were waiting for me.

I was in a bit of pain that would fluctuate up and down, but nothing too bad. It was easy to ignore or kinda shove aside. The oxygen was taken out I was also really nauseous and was given some meds for that. After falling asleep and waking up a few times, the nurse led me to the bathroom and after that was all good, took out the IV. After a little bit I was given the instructions on how to operate my drains and was given the discharge paper work to head home same day.

Make sure you take your pain meds on time though. I was late to one cuz of the drive home and was in a lot of pain.

[wytfut]

A whiners report, POV.....

Greetings all..... at this very moment in time.... I'm recooping from again another back surgery. To no ones fault, even my own suppose. Time take its toll.

This time has been a journey, more involved than I ever thought would happen to me ever again. I feel at times that my medical incidents seem a bit slanted towards me at times as in picking on me. But thats just my POV. I'm sure it is not.

I won't mention my surgeons name, as I like the guy and I think everything that has happened most likely was out of his hands, and he is very good at his craft. But other than Being very hands on with every patient, he doesn't have a lot of control over what happens to his patient. And so it is....

My medical issues have spanned mostly from 2000 to now. 4 hip surgeries, 2 carpal tunnel, a blood clot incident, a heart attack, and previous back procedures.

My father couldn't handle any morphine products and accordingly, we'd tell hospital personnel, who pretty much ignore us. He'd become outrageous, and out of control, living his nightmares. I've even went so far to tell them that if they insist he have morphine of any kind that they had my permission to tie him in his bed. This always brought a strange look from the person I'd be talking too. But anyone who had lived Delmars nightmares with him cannot describe what they saw. The most common was for him to leap out of bed ripping out his IV's, stitches, etc. .... even dislocating his brand new hip, falling over the rails he couldn't get down.

With my latest, I'm noticing I maybe affected also my morphine, same as my Father. I've had nothing but tons of vivid dreams and at time discerning, what is reality, and what is dreaming. Even when currently I'm only taking 1 hydracodone at bed time.... I get a bit blurry during the day. I've also noticed that I can't really read right now.... maybe a little bit. But my eyes keep jumping around (old EMT days.... "ping pong ball eyes")

When I came out of surgery, I remember nothing of any conversations. .... I seemed to come around to reality about 2 days later, ...... no matter what I said or did.

So Dec. 6 after surgery, a lot of things I was told was said, which I have no recollection. Barely holding my head up.... And a nurse put an ice pack on my new wound, and I went to sleep the next 2 hours.

When I woke the ice pack was warm and sweaty. ... Apparently I frost bit my new wound. So much so that it felt as if my back was on fire.... I was very surprised and got a reply to my questioning "we told you no more than 15 minutes....." absolutely do not remember this.

I got home, Patti wasn't happy that I wouldn't even try the ice pack, but I just couldn't stand it. Between the burning and itching.... no way was I going to do it.

Other conversation after surgery from what I understand was how to wear my back brace. I remember a foggy moment of some sort of conversation. I remember a part where someone (PA?) said I wasn't wearing it correctly. In my pile of papers once I was home, no mention of the back brace, but I remembered somethings. No bending, no twisting, no lifting, ..... pretty much the norm, that I bite my cheek with when hearing. I've had this conversation with my surgeon in the past, and he too chuckles at my point of view.

All of those requests, are impossible, unless you have someone assigned/attached to your hip. I know they sound reasonable, but its really not. Maybe I'm just hard headed, which I can admit to easily.

But I did indeed piss myself 3 times the first night waiting for help off the nurses call button.

Here are my favorite ones where the rules are exempt:

How do you use the toilet? How do you wipe? both of these require bending over and a bit of twisting..... but they do say sitting up is okay... but you are bending over to get there.

Getting in bed.... you are again bending over, and twisting too. Even if done the proper way prescribed....

I'm an old guy. I get up at least 4 times every nite. The toilet is not 10 from my bed. I'm not going to put on that brace, for less than 10 feet 4 times a night.... its just not practical, and I think maybe a bit over board for moving about to get that brace back on and off.

Did I mention that you don't need to wear the brace in bed. I'm good with that, as my wound was screaming by the time I got home. But there was no instruction that I remember on sleeping position. One of my past PA's had very specific instructions on sleep position.

Apparently twisting in bed is ok, bending ok, etc. .... I have no idea.

I even remember someone saying that when sitting if you wanted to take off the brace for a few minutes is was allowed. Condition of my wound..... it was a lot of a "few minutes"...... I even called my surgeons office trying to get this all straight in my head..... couldn't do it.... too much drugs.

I know... its all petty, and I'm just venting from this longer than expected process.

3 nights ago, I woke up with a new chest pain. My pulse was fine. The tempo felt good.... but I couldn't take a full breath without shooting pain. All of this upper right chest, front to rear.

I monitored it until around noon and had Patti haul my butt in. I noticed walking across the kitchen I was struggling to keep my breath.

I had a blood clot. I'm very familiar with blood clots (5 in 2000, and a monster in Xmas 2019) over the past 20+ years. But everyone has been different. Each medical team has treated it with its own interpretation of "how its supposed to be done".

For those that don't know..... like a lot of medical issues, blood clots in the wrong place (all of mine have been in the heart lungs area) can kill you.

I spent 24 hours in the hospital. Got home completely wasted. With what felt was at least a couple days lost recooping from the original surgery.

Feeling pretty good right now. Still not a lot of appetite. I'm currently not on any meds for this procedure. except I'll be taking my last Hydracodone at bed time. We'll see how it goes tonight, I'd like to be off of them, .... but if issues arise, I'll ask for another script.

Not very many folks will read this.... and that's ok. But for those that want to know how I'm doing.... here ya go...

As for my back issues? ..... I'm excited. it appears they are all gone. It doesn't mean something else may not show up down the road, but this time, I'm really excited.

[jackienautism]

no you are so valid for being biased against michael. i admit i do like him but my god is turnabout fair play in this case because above all else i am an emily davis girlie i was in the trenches for her back in the day and man. the takes i've seen </3 and the fact that people think they're being like, original and witty or whatever with their hate of her when really they're just repeating the same three misogynistic lines that have been repeated for nearly 10 years. i fully endorse an anti munroe sentiment on emily's behalf.

also GOD the towel. that makes me so frustrated esp when people ship her with josh after the whole?? stealing her clothes thing??? like i dont even dislike josh personally but . come on . i do like how tq kind of flipped that on its head, say what you will about its shortcomings, but at least emma got to put on clothes before getting chased around. and she got to use a taser. i think there should be an ud remake where sam gets a taser.

FGJKDDF ok im very very glad that i have your approval as a mike fan. but seriously though i cant believe this is like... still a conversation we're having. about emily, i mean. its 2023 like im so 😭😭😭 sure you dont have to like her, in fact its very valid not to like her, but most of the time theres just shitty takes and dumb misogynistic (as you said) + lowkey racist reasons to dislike her. AND ITS ALMOST ALWAYS HYPOCRITICAL TOO!!!!!! its FRUSTRATING..... and it sucks because like. she genuinely has so much going for her character wise and stuff but because shes mean and a bitch that gets thrown out the window. once again i am veryhappy to have your support, especially for emilys sake

YEAH!!! LITERALLY!!!!! like. thats the main reason why im so uncomfortable with it dfgkjfdg the best interpretation of jo////ssam imo is 2 depressed ppl just trying to get through and heal. not to say that couldnt be accomplished romantically as well but just. idk. ive talked about this before but the way their relationship came to be doesnt rly scream. romantic relationship to me? but of course im pretty biased in this sense too so fdkjnjdgj

youre so so right abt emma though... she got to put clothes on AND fuck shit up w/ a taser. give all the girls tasers tbh! but for real sam deserves to put clothes on like Not a quarter of the game later and a taser<3 she gets to use the bat i believe but the former(?) is definitely cooler

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 2019 HR has been going wonky again. It’s more that it’s been beating hard than fast. I don’t smoke, I’m active, I’m relatively healthy, so hopefully it’s no big deal. But yeah, when it’s quiet and I sit still, I can hear it resonating throughout me. I don’t feel anxious, though sometimes it doing this can make me anxious. It just doesn’t seem normal even though I’ve already mentioned it to my doctors and my tests were good. Still, the constant thump-thump-thump is both annoying and unnerving.

Poor Aly, though. While I’ve been having a fun weekend, she was in the hospital on a slow-drip IV dispensing Ibuprofen. They can’t get her fever under 99 until the fibroids are removed. She’s likely to be hospitalized tomorrow which sucks not just for obvious reasons, but she had just gotten out of medical debt.

Love my pink silicone popcorn popper so much that I decided to get a purple one and slowly build up a little colorful collection. Magenta’s next!

Also got new toothbrush heads for our electric toothbrushes that were surprisingly cheap but seem to get the job done well.

Lastly, we got colorful silicone pot scrubbers, filters for the air cleaner, and 15 different fake toenail designs for Suki/Gia.

Those poor Twenties. They must’ve been woken up when the punk came in early yesterday. Because there’s no better place to spend 6:38 in the morning when you’re in your 20s than with mommy and daddy, right? rolls eyes The way the little shit sometimes comes in this early makes me think even more that he’s sleeping in his car.

After eating the same things for a while, it was nice to get some variety yesterday. First we went to Sam’s Club to get our usual stuff (mostly my fruits and veggies) and I got these chips to try that I’ve never had before. They’re made with sweet potatoes and have chickpeas, peas, rice and black beans and they’re really good. Tom’s had chickpea chips before. He tried one of his Indian coworker’s but found them boring. I guess chickpea chips are popular in India, though.

Then we went to Safeway because I wanted lobster macaroni but they didn’t have it so I settled for lobster cakes. They’re just so-so.

Then we went out a third time to Rite Aid right outside the park where I got my mini bottles of Merlot and Rosé for $3 and a $1 wall sticker that looks cute on the bedroom wall. It’s a transparent tracing of flowers with scattered silvery gems.

So in between my pounding heart which was in the upper 90s when I was relaxed and just over 100 when I was moving around (it’s surprisingly low now at 76), it was a fun day. Sometimes it’s those little things in life that help to break up the monotony of the same old routine I go through during the week.

Because I’m so blind we connected my laptop to the 43” TV, and wow! We don’t need a traditional living room setup anyway because we watch TV on our computers while eating or unwinding. He’s using the 32” one. In the next place, we’ll make it look better by mounting them to the wall. Text is definitely easier to see and TV and pictures are almost too big but it’s wonderful! Love how I can see so much more at once. Before, I could only see my top row of Pinterest boards and only 5 of them. Now I can see 7 per row and I can see 2 rows at once.

Tom has been working on his next app and as I told him, I don’t mean to sound discouraging or negative but I just don’t see us making extra money that way. I think there’s too much competition and it’s like winning the lottery. But he said no, it’s not because he’s not trying to make a million bucks but just a few hundred or so a month to make retirement comfortable. I still don’t see even that but hey, if it’s what he loves to do anyway why not at least try his best and have fun while he’s at it?

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2019 Wow, Ralph’s house is already up for sale. The loud car he hasn’t driven since he first had his stroke is still there, though. It’s been covered with a tarp. Really thought I’d have to listen to three or four months of projects before it went on the market but more than likely it will go to a flipper who will take the honors of annoying me with projects for months before it goes to someone I hope to hell doesn’t have a loud vehicle.

Molly, or at least what I’m pretty sure is Molly, looked in on me on Prosebox. When I suspected she came in, I ran and compared her Twitter times to that and sure enough, she was around during the time I got the hit. I know from Aly that she has an iPhone.

Even though she hasn’t done anything to me for quite a while and she may have changed at least a little, I still don’t like her peeking in on me. I don’t know why it bothers me. It just does. She was only in for 19 seconds, probably looking for her name or Aly’s. She has me bookmarked, too. I don’t know what else her interest in me could be about. She already made her so-called amends, apologized for harassing me in the past, and then we moved on. So then why is she looking in on me? There’s nothing she should be interested in since we’re not friends and were never friends in the past.

I was surprised to see that she and Kim are following each other.

There’s a part of me that thinks it’s silly to continue holding any grudges after all this time and to just let the past go and say, Aw, so what if she reads me? At least be polite if not friendly if she contacts me.

But a bigger part of me is still angry with all the shit she and her mother put me through and just doesn’t want to forgive her even if Kim actually did worse to me in some ways. Molly at least didn’t impersonate people like crazy and create one bogus account after another to harass me. Yet there’s just something about Molly I can’t forgive. I really would prefer not to have anything to do with her and that includes her not looking in on me.

I found a free script that blocks IP addresses only it’s a Java thing and Prosebox doesn’t support that. As a test, I dropped my dream blog link on Twitter after inserting the script. Then again, I know she’s reading my tweets. I’m amazed she hasn’t followed Aly and me over on Curious Cat.

Either way and as I told Aly, I’m probably going to drop my public Twitter accounts because I simply don’t need them. So that will be two more places she can’t follow. I’ve made sure my Facebook account is private and made my main PB account FO. That much I’m okay with doing since I’m just not as into socializing as I used to be. Instead, I’ll share more from my newest bogus PB account, Hula Dancer, where I don’t allow contact and therefore socializing. This one I created with a time-sensitive email that Aly can’t look up. The email is not connected to my name at all. Thankfully, Prosebox doesn’t require confirmation.

If Aly were to stumble upon the account totally by accident, she should know it’s me even if I change names. I really think that’s how she found the other one. I stopped using it for over half a year, no one hit it, and then she did? That couldn’t have been a coincidence. She likely knew about Digital Expressions before it shut down too, and I’m sure she knows about Dreamwidth, so it’s a good thing I’ve become more private because I know I say a lot of things that would offend her. She’s ultra-sensitive so instead of having to watch every single thing I say, I just keep most things private. Besides, I’m supposed to be journaling for me. Not an audience. But I’m more willing to share if it can be anonymous and kept from those I know. I blocked all of Aly’s known accounts, but luckily she never really cared for PB as opposed to MD, so it’s unlikely she would stumble upon my other account there. I’ll be sure to use different titles and not post from multiple accounts at once. Might use that paraphrasing tool as well but that might be going a bit too far unless she does start using PB and finds it by accident or googles some of the text in the copies I send her, if that’s something that can still be done. I’ve actually set this account to public, so she doesn’t need to be logged in.

Been combing through the list of users but you’re talking nearly 500 pages of usernames to go through, so I’m searching keywords I’ve known Molly to use. I think I finally found her account. Should have figured she would use something like "girl power."

FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2019 Happy 62nd birthday to my dear hubby! Unfortunately, the birthday boy has to work. Will be surprising him with the roses I sculpted when he gets up.

Didn’t sleep so great last time around. Nothing woke me up that I know of. I just kept waking up. So I’m a little tired today and don’t know if I’m going to go out for my walk. I’ll get enough physical activity around the house today doing laundry and things like that.

Really hope one of the dreams I had isn’t a sign! I had a period starting. I’m almost at the 9-month marker and would absolutely hate to reset the clock yet again! I don’t have any PMS symptoms, though. No water retention, no bloating, no sore boobs, no extreme hunger.

I also had a dream my mother was alive and we moved to Arizona with plans to stay there for a while and then move to Florida.

Then I was back in our Maricopa house only there were people sleeping in the smaller bedrooms for some reason. As I passed the bedroom furthest from the master bedroom one night on my way to bed, some guy was lying on a twin bed in that room. He got up and started mumbling crazy shit.

In the next dream, I guess I was some kind of party girl because I was hanging around with a group of people and we were drinking heavily. I was in a room with either a really long bed or a bunch of beds side by side. I was lying in one of the beds chatting with the others. I looked toward the window where I thought I saw these blinking lights and said, “Why are the cops here?”

Then I realized there was something wrong with my eyes and the flashing colors were actually coming from me.

Then I got up, not caring that I was stark naked, and began looking for my beer bottle (I hate beer in real life) among a cluster of other opened beer bottles sitting on a table. The dream ended with me trying to figure out which bottle was mine.

In the last dream, I held a DVD of some movie that Stacey had lent me. I knew I was supposed to leave it outside my door after I watched it and then tell her on Facebook to come and pick it up. I went browsing through a DVD collection I don’t have in real life in search of a movie I thought she might like and thought of what note I would enclose with it and whether or not I wanted to actually see her when she came to pick it up. Alexa how much time. THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 2019 54° this morning and just 78° tomorrow. WTF is wrong with this place? We should be doing triple digits! Tom thinks the reason we’ve been overrun with skunks at night is due to the mild summer we’ve been having.

Just got in a few minutes ago from my half-hour walk. I walked between 5:30 and 6:00 so there would be enough light to see well, the skunks would be in bed, and there wouldn’t yet be much traffic. Went with a hoodie over a T-shirt and started off chilly. By the time I reached the RVs, I was warm.

Exchanged hellos with Jim once I got back to the house and he was coming around the circle. He looks pretty damn fit and healthy for a guy that’s getting close to 90.

Tom and I were talking about how things change as we age. He was saying that while things are always changing at least somewhat, he too, felt like things were changing so fast in his early 50s, but then they stabled out in his late 50s. At 50 he felt just as strong as when he was 20 but now he isn’t as strong.

His wife has always been fitter and now she can tease him about being both fitter and stronger. I am definitely naturally muscular and I definitely build additional muscle easily. Been this way since my early twenties.

Right now I’m worried that I’m going to suffer skin issues almost every day for the rest of my life. He feels confident that I won’t, so let’s hope he isn’t being naively optimistic. I’d rather skin issues than anxiety, but can I just have a break from everything for a while?

I was better down there but then I started getting burning and itching again, so maybe there is a connection with potatoes. Tom said he thinks if I have them once a week I’d be okay. It’s having them every other day that’s too much. That much I can agree with.

He looked down there and said it just looked red but didn’t see any bumps.

I guess the first of the democratic debates was last night. Didn’t watch it because I’m just not into watching that sort of thing but the only thing I don’t like about Democrats is that they’re so pro-illegals. They put everyone else first and foremost before their own. I hate to say it but I think that since it doesn’t affect me directly, I’d rather women lose their rights by closet case Republicans and for gays to lose rights than for us to be allowed to be overrun with illegals that could harm us in many ways. But that doesn’t make me a Republican any more than I was ever a Dem. I’m independent. I say equal rights for everyone that’s FROM here and no catering to illegals. If you’re caught here illegally you should be deported. Yet while it seems that most people have a serious problem with two people in love marrying each other if they’ve got the same parts between their legs, they also expect everyone to welcome illegals with open arms and a big bright smile on their faces as well. Oh, yes, we’re expected to happily feed, house, and provide medical care to thousands and thousands of illegals and refugees at our tax dollars’ expense, no questions asked.

The planes were quiet last night. They seem to be a back-and-forth thing.

Cock must have slipped out quietly and the buds stayed in place enough to protect me from it because this week its habit is to come in around 9:30 in the morning and stay for about 12 hours. Sometimes I wonder if his coming around so much lately is a spite thing. Like their way of saying to the neighborhood, “See, he’s still coming around and there’s nothing you can do to get rid of him. You can stop him from sleeping here but you can’t stop him from visiting.”

Some people really don’t have respect or consideration for others and they seem to get worse with time. If Larry lived in the same town as when my parents were in a park, and if he had a vehicle this insanely loud, they would never want him visiting with that shit. Ever.

I’ve lost a few pounds because I’ve been eating lower-calorie foods but my body has its threshold and won’t let off any more weight. That’s okay. I feel wonderful as opposed to the crap I used to eat, and even better when I don’t have sugary treats. I was such a TV dinner whore for so long that if someone had told me I would teach myself to cook, even if it’s just simple things anybody could make, I’m sure I would have laughed. I just had no interest in it. I’ll still indulge a little on weekends.

The one thing I’m definitely still doing wrong is overdoing the cholesterol. I really shouldn’t be eating meat since I’m not on statins. It’s just that without meat, I really lose a lot of variety that way.

For a fleeting moment, I considered going back to my full dose of medication 6 weeks before labs, figuring Dr. A would only want to resend me to the lab in just a couple of months. But then I remind myself of two things. One is that the dosage experiment I’m doing won’t tell me anything unless I do it at least 6 months, and two, Dr. A’s not my mother. All I have to do is say no to anything she requests. I’ll still give her a heads-up on the portal before labs in September so she doesn’t have her nurse calling me about why my TSH is a bit high.

Most importantly, I’ve been feeling so much better overall! So why change that? Why rock the boat and do anything that could risk changing that? Especially since I’m not endangering my life.

I watched a video tutorial on sculpting roses and decided to pull out my sculpting clay and tools and finally put them to use. Sculpting roses is fairly easy. I baked the two rosebuds I sculpted earlier and I’m going to paint them in a little while. Healthy six years of acting, sit down and turn on the clock. WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 2019 Outdoors:

We took the bikes out late last night and sure enough, as soon as we reached the top of the hill a couple of hundred feet or so from the house, there’s a skunk in the middle of the road. It stopped and looked at us and I wasn’t sure if it was going to approach us, turn and run away, or dart in front of the bikes so I turned around and we made a few rounds around the circle. When I saw another one about to jump out in the middle of the street down past Bob and Virginia, we went home.

Never before have they been like this. They’re everywhere! This is my sixth summer here yet I never was deterred from going out late at night due to being overrun by skunks. Again, it’s like something doesn’t want me out there. First it used my health to keep me home and now it’s skunks. Go figure. That’s okay, though. I still have the treadmill.

Sleep:

Today I slept okay but yesterday the bud slipped and something loud woke me up. But that’s okay as I only have 5 more years of this shit, right?

I just wish I could remember my dreams better! Lately, it’s like I have a faint idea of something that I dreamt but then it’s gone before I can fully grasp it enough to put it into words.

Programming:

Tom now has the flippers to his pinball game able to flap.

Pets:

And the new bedding verdict is in! This paper/wood shaving mix is definitely the way to go for the pigs. Yes, they are able to make more of a mess when they run around since the stuff is lighter and fluffy but the Roomba can handle vacuuming it up easier than the big chunks of paper. Just did a partial replacement and the biggest thing I like is how it handles piss. With the paper bedding, you get clumps stuck to the base and you have to really gouge it up with the dustpan. Not with this stuff! I should be able to stretch 2 bales to last a month, so $20 a month for them. So gonna get a subscription going! :-)

I’m now testing the lower level of the rats’ cage with this stuff to see how much they kick out. It may not be suitable for them but time will tell.

Also, using this bedding on the pigs would eliminate the need for the hand vac and playpen since I can work around them with this bedding. The liners would be good for if we run out before the next bale arrives. I don’t think they give a shit whether they sit around at home or in the pen since they’re not explorers, as long as the rats can’t chase them. Gonna reshape the pen at some point into a fun climbing jungle gym for the rats. I’ll make a point of handling the pigs every other day or so, so they stay used to me and aren’t home 24/7, day after day.

Thoughts:

Thought about it some more and the biggest potential problem with rural would be barking. I know damn well, especially in the west, they’re all going to have large dogs that aren’t allowed indoors. Yes, I would take Jesse’s mutts over the traffic here because they couldn’t wake me up. But that in itself was still incredibly annoying and to need to have sound machines on all the time just to drown it out. As we saw in Arizona, even being in the middle of a 10-acre ranch you could still hear some dogs. So since I don’t expect we’d ever get a piece of land that big if we chose rural since we don’t want to venture too far from civilization, barking would probably be our worst problem there assuming we didn’t get sonic boomed which is worse and comparable to the traffic here. I would think, though, that in an area that has many 1-3 acre lots, the barking would be maddening. While the most important thing is keeping ferociously loud sounds away from the bedroom, I would still like to have as much of my cake and eat it too as possible by not having to listen to shit like that all day long. I hear landscaping every day and while that’s annoying it doesn’t go on hour after hour. So both volume and frequency matter.

Sweeps:

Is entering the expiring sweeps for the month worth the spam and congratulations on other people’s wins? Yeah, I guess so. I’ll get to the 250 or so expiring ones in a few days.

Writing:

Still looking forward to Camp NaNo but still finishing up my last project. That will be done at the end of the month for sure.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 2019 “No problem, I understand,” would have been nice to hear from Aly when she wanted to chat when I wanted to charge the phone and do other things. Instead, I’m being made to feel guilty for not always being readily available. I do my best, so it would be nice if she was a little less clingy and without certain expectations whenever she has free time.

Got up in the early evening and read the letter on the counter from the park.

I knew it. I just knew it.

Sometimes I sit and think of all the things he knows that I could never figure out and how much smarter he is and how I wish I could be as smart, but you know what? Sometimes I am. Sometimes I’m even smarter. Yeah, I TOLD him they’d repave.

He had said, “Naw, they’re not going to do that because the roads are smooth.”

“Yes, they are,” I insisted. “They’re not going to leave these roads looking like a patchwork quilt (the squares they dug in and then filled back in when upgrading the fiber optics) or with all the colorful paint markings they left all over the place. This park’s too obsessed with looks not to resurface these roads.”

Well, they’re going to seal-coat the entire park. They enclosed a map with a different color marker tracing different streets depending on the date they’re to be done. They’ll be working on and off from the 15th till the 24th of next month. Our area is on for the 18th and luckily I’ll be on days at that time and our area won’t be split between two days like those who are on the edge of their designated sections.

Unfucking believable, though. Been here six years and they’ve worked in the roads five or six times already. Lived in the Phoenix house for just as long and they only tore the roads up once.

Then there was their little “reminders” note. No feeding the wildlife, keep your pets on a leash, etc.

Yeah? How about no tearing in and out on motorcycles in the middle of the night? How about management not playing favorites? How about doing something about some of the complaints you get instead of spiting people for it? Really, I’m sick of this underage punk that lives here but doesn’t sleep here. I’m serious, too. Just because he doesn’t sleep here doesn’t mean he isn’t living here. He is. No idea where he’s crashing at night but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was sleeping in his car. I think his sleeping here was where Joy had to draw the line. He comes in in the morning and leaves at night. Really think this kid just doesn’t want to work and his parents are paying for his food, smokes, and that fucking car which is like oxygen to the little bastard so that he doesn’t have to get a job, a place of his own, or take on any kind of responsibility. He sure hasn’t seemed to have any of those since his stint in the Army and divorce in 2015, from what I could learn snooping around on FB.

As far as the paving goes, since I’m going to be up that day, I say let them go for it. Sure, it will be annoying as hell but since it’s only for one day, let them spend money at our expense to make the roads prettier, and most importantly, smoother for bike riding. Really looking forward to that electric wheel someday!

Loving this translation job! It sucks that I don’t get paid even though I get extra bells and whistles, but it’s a great practice exercise. What I do is I set Google Translate from Spanish to English. Then in Spanish, I write what I think is the correct way to say whatever the prompt asks and watch it appear in English. This way I can verify that I’m correct. I’ve got a pretty good accuracy rate so far but my grammar isn’t always great.

MONDAY, JUNE 24, 2019 Had a sore throat all day yesterday but fortunately, it’s gone now.

So the block on my phone is completely worthless since South Carolina made it in today. That explains how Tammy got in after I had blocked her when her brats came between us. Oh well. Maybe they’ll give up once they realize they’re not going to get an answer from this number.

I don’t smell anything since trying the new bedding on the pigs yesterday but they’re making a bit of a mess, even with a 7-inch base. They’re kicking some of it out when they run around. It occurred to me that I should have put one of the disposable liners underneath. That way, instead of their corner bathrooms sticking to the base of the cage, it would stick to that.

Fuzzy is so adorable with the way he runs to me and stands up to be picked up when he’s done burrowing under the sheets which he likes to do same as most rats. Just as cute is when he gets on his “flying perch.” I stick my arm out straight with my elbow bent and he hops onto my elbow as we “fly” down the hall to get a piece of cheese on the way to his house.

SUNDAY, JUNE 23, 2019 No more night walking for me. If I go out at night it’ll be on the bike. There are simply way too many skunks. It seems there are more than usual. Most of the time I don’t see any but lately, I haven’t been able to go out without seeing two or three and that’s just in the small section I cover. Tried to get pics of one without going too close but it didn’t come out.

Saw something else small scurry across one of the streets that could’ve been a rat.

Other than having to dodge skunks with poor vision, it was nice out. A little warm but still nice. The air was alive with the smell of laundry, Jasmine and barbecues. Not so much in the way of barbecues, though, since 10:30 is getting a bit late for that.

Another Robocall came in. Still not sure how it is they’re slipping through the block but this one was in Florida. Didn’t realize I could just ask Alexa where a certain area code was. No need to look it up myself. At least the calls have dropped from 3 a day to 1 a day.

Trying a new type of bedding for the guinea pigs so I don’t have to deal with changing their liners every other day. This one is a mix of wood shavings and paper. Usually, we get just paper bedding which is supposed to absorb odors better and be better for their health since the wood shavings can be dusty. But it was only $10 for the same size bale as a $16 bale of paper bedding. If this works out It will be less work for less money. Yes, I could do everybody with the paper bedding but that would cost a lot of money. I don’t want to do something just because we can afford it. I’ll probably stick to paper bedding for the rats or maybe do their lower level with the mixed bedding. We’ll see.

I also got them some apple-flavored treats and of course the pigs aren’t interested. The rats are, though, since they’ll eat anything.

After thinking about it, I decided that an electric wheel for the bike would be a worthy investment. Not just for the hills here, but I could use it in Florida as well. It’s usually pretty windy in Florida and riding against the wind, even on level ground, can be a challenge. So I think it would be a good thing to have no matter what.

I got a single sippy cup that I wanted to try before getting a set of them. They’re cheap. I’ve been looking for sippy cups like the one I’ve had for a while now with the built-in straw but realized I was searching with the wrong keyword. I was looking for sippy cups with attached straws when I really needed to search for sippy cups with built-in straws. They’re great to put by the bed so that if I wake up thirsty I can grab them without spilling water all over the place. So now I have two of them. :-) I was just hesitant to get a set even if it wasn’t much more money because the reviews were so mixed. Some people were saying they were wonderful while others were saying they were flimsy and horrible and that the cap wouldn’t stay on. Everything looks great to me so all I have to do is see if they hold up in the dishwasher which some people said was a bust.

I also grabbed another jar of Tucks for me and a matching rainbow jewelry set for the doll that has earrings, a necklace and a bracelet. Since I pulled off a couple of her toenails and the French manicure she had was incredibly boring anyway, I’m going to eventually get a set of 15 different toenail designs.

Went to Rite Aid a couple of hours after I got up and got my Merlot and Rosé minis as well as a peanut butter Twix bar to try. Definitely don’t like it as much as the original so I had some of the sour cream chips he got instead. He can try the rest of the PB Twix.

The fish has started using the tube Tom printed out for him.

Made tilapia with a baked potato, broccoli and cauliflower for dinner. I used a 0-calorie butter spray so the whole thing was only about 200 calories.

I later made the best batch of homemade mashed potatoes ever! Perfect mix of margarine, milk and garlic salt. I used the highest speed when whipping them.

Had a dream I was discussing celebrities with someone. When they were trying to figure out the name of a certain celebrity, I told them who it was, saying I knew their name because I had a friend who was into the show they were on.

Then someone said that somebody was going to be performing in their hometown and how excited they were, and wouldn’t I just love it if they would come to my city too?

No, I said, because I preferred YouTube in the privacy of my own home.

SATURDAY, JUNE 22, 2019 Made myself a bunless mushroom burger with watermelon for dessert. Chatting on Facebook with Anne now and doing a handful of other things. Laundry, dishes, writing, etc.

Definitely gotta stick to the inside of the park when I’m walking at night. The skunks usually stick to the perimeters of the park. The perimeters are good in the daytime because you don’t have to deal with traffic as much that way.

I was surprised by how much I could hear the freeway when I was out earlier. And of course, the fucking planes. They didn’t turn out to be that annoying last night but in the morning as well as tonight they were. I was totally dismayed to learn the airport added a new route. Great, more planes flying over my fucking head.

Sadly, not a single person on Facebook cared to download Tom’s test app but Aly did. He’s thinking his next game will be some kind of pinball game.

Just when I thought blocking robocalls was a success, since I didn’t get any yesterday, it turns out it was a bust. It might have cut most of them down but I got a call from the 304 area code, which is West Virginia, and after double-checking, I found that I did indeed have that area code blocked. So I don’t know how they managed to weasel in.

Slept okay, but not great. Traffic didn’t wake me up because I used the bud, but just the stress of sleeping in the daytime disrupts my sleep. If we weren’t right on the fucking street, then maybe not. sighs 5 more years.

Tammy shared a meme saying, “Never fuck someone’s life up with a lie because they can fuck yours up with the truth.”

Then she added, “And the truth will soon come to light.”

I asked who she was talking about but I don’t expect an answer. I doubt it’s got anything to do with me because she would have told me if she was upset with me. Plus, I haven’t lied to or about her. Then again, neither did I when it came to Lisa back when the nutjob went ballistic on me a decade ago.

Sometimes a part of me wishes she would get pissed off enough to dump me, but she’s just not the dumping type. If she was, I would be free to let the girls have it which would certainly feel good, not that they would ever own up to anything. Without her, though, I wouldn’t have the connection to the bitches or have to hear about them from time to time.

I know this is an incredible waste of time and that the message is unlikely to even be seen much less replied to, but since Alyssa’s been on my mind, I couldn’t resist but reach out to her again. This time I was a little more truthful about my intentions, not that I was lying to her before. I told her that I just really liked her and was drawn to her personality and all that, and yes, she’s attractive even though my interest in her is not physical in any way, and that I hoped we could be cyber friends of sorts and say hello every now and then.

I also let her know that I understood that I was once a former patient, however briefly that lasted, and that we came from totally different walks of life and all that, etc. As I said, I don’t expect a reply but every now and then life does throw a surprise my way.

Instead, I get to hear from Anne. Jobless, emotionally unstable, not very intelligent Anne. Why is it that it’s so easy to get attention from these kinds of people? Is this normal? I mean do they reach out to just anyone? Or is there something about me that’s attracting the Annes while repelling the Alyssas?

THURSDAY, JUNE 20, 2019 Saw 3 skunks on the 15-minute walk I went on last night. This is why I’m a little hesitant to take the bike out at night. Even with good lights, I don’t want one of those or a possum darting out as I’m barreling down the hill.

After a temporary setback with privacy policies, Tom’s app is out! Going to be a little disappointed if no one on Facebook downloads it. It’s free, it’s simple, and it’s just his first test app to learn the ropes. I suppose not everyone has that much extra space on their phone but still. It won’t kill people to DL it and check it out. :-)

Still no news on my biopsy but she did say it usually takes a couple of weeks. I’m also still worried there isn’t going to be anything they can do for me in the end. I would seriously rather be told, “Hey, you’re going to die,” rather than, “You’re going to suffer or at least be very uncomfortable for the rest of your life.” I really would.

I’m a little tired today but that’s what I get for not sleeping with the earbud. Traffic woke me up not once but three times. Figured I’d take a chance because I didn’t have much to do today but I’m definitely going to sleep with the bud next time around so I don’t get too backed up in sleep. Oh, to one day be able to live where I don’t need to sleep with earbuds! But I really do believe we’re going to be here until he retires so I might as well get used to it for the next half a decade.

Decided not to do that 5-hour walking experiment. That’s just ridiculous and way too extreme. I’ll stick to the standard half-hour a day, 5 days a week. I’m big like most older people and that’s okay. :-)

Heard some planes late last night as well as a few in the late afternoon so I wouldn’t be surprised if they were annoying tonight. They only take so many days off, unfortunately.

“We won’t shift our noise from one community to another.”

Yeah, right. Well, that’s exactly what they do and I’ll definitely get on them about it from both my public Twitter accounts until they either get fed up enough to do something about it or block me. I’ve had it with this plane shit. There’s no need for them to be flying over us. They didn’t start doing this until last fall so there’s no reason they can’t go back to flying where they were flying before. It’s not like they have no alternative, so there really isn’t any reason or excuse for this.

The only dream I remember from last night was being served by some woman at a buffet somewhere. I think we were out of town. It was either really late or really early. I was trying to get a tiny bit of a certain food included with whatever I was getting, but the woman wouldn’t give it to me.

“What if we pay for it?” I asked her, and then she agreed to serve it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19, 2019 Okay, robofuckers, I just blocked every area code in the country except for CT, NE, FL, OH and CA. Well, I did block FL. Just not Tammy’s area code. Most of the calls do seem to be originating from the East. I checked some of the latest area codes and they came from Florida, Tennessee, North Carolina and Maryland. I think I saw Mississippi and Arkansas as well. I was getting an average of 3 a day, so we’ll see if this helps. With good friends in Nebraska and Connecticut and Tammy preparing to move to Ohio, I didn’t want to block those States. I’ll block Tammy’s area code once she’s out of there.

Tom had to pull his app TapQuickTap off because there was a problem with the privacy policy. I was just about to tell people to go look it up, too. He fixed the issues and resubmitted it so hopefully they won’t reject it. Could be a day or two before it’s back up, though.

I hope I’m wrong and that I’m pleasantly surprised in the end but I just don’t have a good feeling about this. I just get the feeling it’s not meant to be. Just because you may be good at something and deserving of it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily meant to be. I just don’t think anything up there wants us making extra money on the side. If it did, he would be paid the national average, especially for this state, and I might be able to hold a schedule and work. He thinks the apps will eventually generate a few hundred dollars a month and while I think he’s being naively optimistic, it certainly can’t hurt to try!

I have declared my CampNano project, Gone. 5 days until cabin assignment, 11 days until writing begins. I’m ready to start but at the same time, I still need to give my last book its final read-through.

I was chatting about the mama’s boy with Carolyn and she agrees it’s frustrating, they make comments every time they hear his car, Joy does show favoritism, it’s so wrong, and she keeps praying they move away.

Ooh, the power of prayer! Yeah, that’ll work. Just like that woman suffering from postpartum depression I saw on an episode of Deadly Women who was told by her priest to pray her depression away. Instead of getting medication, she goes home, finds prayer is a joke, and ends up killing her entire family. So damn the person who created the God fantasy and brainwashed nearly everyone into buying that crap!

Although…there are still certain things that make me wonder. Sometimes I really do wonder if something could be up there. I just don’t know that it’s anything I would want to call a friend. But when the same things happen one too many times, be it a good thing or a bad, I do wonder.

Anyway, I heard the bastard leave after it came and went yesterday, so once again I’m not sure that he’s actually living here. Well, he’s living here, he’s just not always sleeping here. I hadn’t even been up a few hours when I heard the bastard three times. I just can’t always tell what direction he’s going so I don’t know if I heard him come or go the last time. I just know that his asshole parents will be here as long as we are and then we’ll hope the loudest car in our future neighborhood can’t wrap around three sides of us or get as close. There’s got to be some reason Joy’s been protecting them and that can only be because they’re friends. Can’t think of any other reason she would protect them. Just too lazy to do anything about their shit? She doesn’t strike me as the lazy type. They gotta be tight. I still don’t think Kristy knows that Joy’s covering their asses either.

Speaking of Kristy, I saw a picture of Carolyn with what looked like Kristy but when I asked if that was her, she didn’t answer, which pretty much was my answer. Sometimes people’s lack of an answer is enough to answer my question. That saying about silence speaking a thousand words often rings true. Poor Kristy, though, trying to get Joy to do the right thing while being left completely in the dark while she’s at it, not knowing she’s submitting people’s complaints to their very protector.

Been loving the absence of planes this last week but I know it won’t last forever. Last night was amazingly quiet. No planes of any kind, no helicopters, no nothing. But every time summer sets in, it gets unseasonably cool. Today and yesterday have been really hot at around 100°, but tonight it’s supposed to drop to 57° and only get up to 86°. I’ll go out for a quick jog at about 9.

Through experimenting, Tom and I have been finding out what seems to work the way we hear it does and what doesn’t. Neither of us buys that protein fights hunger. There just doesn’t seem to be a connection there.

He thinks it would, but I don’t think it’s true that the more calories we burn, the more we lose, but I’m about to find out. See, I think it’s all in not consuming that many calories to begin with. Remember, I did those HIIT routines for 90 minutes where you burn 1000 calories and it didn’t affect me at all. This was right before I was diagnosed. I don’t think, for example, you can eat 2000 calories, burn 1000 calories, and “trick” your body into thinking it only ate 1000 calories. I think you have to not eat those extra 1000 calories in the first place. But next week I’m going to burn 1000 calories every day and see what happens. When I don’t actively count calories which is pretty much never these days, I naturally have about 1500 to 1800 a day.

I’m not going to do HIIT routines. I’m going to walk at a slow but comfortable pace for 5 hours while I do the things I usually do on my laptop. Maybe not all at once, though. If I walk at 2.5 MPH, I can burn about 200 calories.

The older I get, the more I bitch about losing pieces of myself like pretty much everyone does…my vision, my memory, my libido, etc. Well, when will one of those “pieces” be my appetite?

This is the first day since the biopsy that I have less irritation down there.

Oh great. Now Molly’s inserting herself into mine and Aly’s conversation on Twitter. Figured it was just a matter of time. rolls eyes I’m going to ignore her for now. I thought about protecting my tweets but I want to keep rejection as a last resort. Reject Molly and she’ll be more determined to get at you. She’s changed but then she also hasn’t. Looked in on her own tweets last night and it’s still the same old obsession about Roman. Shows me she still has the same stalking tendencies I’ve always known her to have so I would prefer to keep things amicable and not get on her shit list.

I had another dream Alyssa was in where I was prank calling her on what I knew to be a landline number of hers, not that I would ever do such a thing. We ended up going out to dinner together and I was thinking how glad I was that I didn’t make too many prank calls that would cause her to change the number. Then I wondered if she had any idea that I was the one behind the calls.

TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 2019 Just got back from our first trip to the pool this year on this beautiful dry 103° day. The dryness will be the only thing I’ll miss when we move. There was just one other woman there. She said hi to us but that was it. Good. I don’t care for chatterboxes anymore than histrionics.

Far from Home is now done! It’s 25079 words long. Will spend the rest of the month doing the final editing of the 57-page novella.

Had I taken the time to read the Eucerin sample I got from my dermatologist, I would have known it was body wash and not lotion. No wonder it was runny and sticky!

I was going to pierce Suki’s ears with a safety pin but I didn’t even need that much because TPE is so soft I could just push the earring right through. So now she has pink gemstones in her ears. When I switch to Gia, maybe she can have the purple or blue ones.

Last night was the first time the burning and itching down there woke me up. So again, when the sleep curse can’t use traffic against me, it uses me. Really worried the irritation isn’t because of the biopsy and that my case is hopeless.

Yesterday, I heard what sounded like the mama’s boy coming in at 6 p.m. and then leaving a half-hour later. Then I could have sworn I heard him come in at 9:30 and thought he might have moved back in. If he stayed here overnight last night and left at 6:30, I’m sure the Twenties would have been pissed to have been woken up. Fortunately, my earbuds saved me. Kind of surprised I haven’t heard him yet today.

I almost wish the bastard would move back in because then maybe those who were afraid to come forward will finally be fed up enough to complain and maybe Joy will then feel overwhelmed enough to actually do something. I mean, what is she going to do? Spite half a dozen people if that many complained, for example? In reality, though, no one’s going to complain and if they do they’re going to be retaliated against.

Unfortunately, his app hasn’t gotten any downloads yet.

MONDAY, JUNE 17, 2019 Will we be married for another 25 years? I wonder this at times but I kind of doubt it. I think somewhere between 20-25 years, though, so we should still have many years ahead! I know I’m always going to have something but I just hope he stays healthy till the end.

Alyssa’s been on my mind since I recently dreamed about her. I don’t know why she pops into my mind at random as she does and why I still feel this longing for her. Hell, it’s been half a decade! Not a sexual longing but just to be around her, to have her as a friend, to chat with her at times, to go out to lunch together occasionally. There was just something about her I really liked and felt comfortable with. She was very personable and kind even if she wasn’t the greatest doctor for me. She was liberal and I could tell we thought a lot alike.

She finally shared a picture of her baby. Not herself, but her husband holding the baby. I was right. It’s a girl. I had a strong feeling for some reason that it was. They don’t mention the name, though.

I’m happy for her but is there anything this woman can’t get? I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness for myself. I still don’t regret not having kids, not that it was ever my choice to begin with, and sometimes I’m glad I don’t have to deal with bosses and coworkers, especially when I don’t feel well, but seriously. Some people really seem to have it all! That’s the whole point, I guess, that gets to me at times. From what I can tell, she’s got great parents and comes from a decent family. She’s got money. She can keep a schedule. She’s tall. She’s got a husband who can obviously perform. I’m sure she can sleep with that husband every night, has a great career, and got to have a kid. It’s like whatever Alyssa wants, Alyssa gets.

But If I were suddenly young again, could I get someone I really lusted for while keeping a schedule and choosing the career of my choice and whether or not I had kids? No, of course not. Gay or straight, great personality and intelligence or not, I’d get the biggest sexual misfit there was. While I was dealing with that, I would have a nothing little menial job, if even that, and the rights to choose to have a child, if that’s what I chose, would be up to others or to circumstances beyond my control.

The only two things I don’t get are how the hell she finds time for the kid with such a demanding career and what it is she sees in her husband at least from a physical standpoint. He’s just so incredibly boring. He may not be fat or anything but he’s just this dark blob of nothing.

I just wonder why it is that I was never “allowed” to be normal? Do things really happen for a reason? Or did I just happen to end up this way? It makes me feel like something up there feels I don’t deserve to be normal. Why couldn’t I always sleep with my own husband? Why couldn’t we have had a normal, fun, healthy and exciting sex life together? Why couldn’t I have felt the same degree of lust that I felt for some people I could never have? Why couldn’t I keep a schedule? Why couldn’t I have the guts to drive? Why couldn’t I have a career of my own? Why couldn’t I have been the one to decide whether or not I had kids even if I’m glad I didn’t? Why is it some people can get it all? Really, what could possibly be all that wrong with Alyssa’s life? What could possibly be abnormal for her? What could she possibly want that she can’t have besides maybe a billion bucks? What realistic ordinary thing could possibly be denied to Alyssa??

Do she and her husband ever fight? Will their sex life fizzle out with age like ours did, not that I could have sex anyway due to my LS.

If things aren’t random and we’re basically given a script to play out, why was I chosen to be so unique? Why was I denied so many things that almost everyone else can get or do? What was it about me that made whatever’s up there decide I should be one of the ones to sit out on the sidelines and watch normality play out from the outside in? Why do I have so many health problems? Thyroid, ear, TMJ, rashes, sleep issues, a weight problem I have no control over, etc.

I still worry that I do indeed have LS and there won’t be anything they can do for it but give me the usual temporary solutions that can’t last forever. It’s like with my groin rash. I treat it and it comes back.

If I could get up the nerve, even though it would leave me badly mutilated and hurt like hell, I might wish I could cut off the skin in hopes of healthy or at least pain-free skin growing back.

I made my dream blog public a few days ago just to see if it would start getting any hits, and if it has, I can’t see them.

The weather has been quite mild so far this summer which is saving us money as far as the AC goes but not exactly helping the pool.

I wrote everything above late last night. Tom’s app is now in the store. No downloads yet, though. No, I don't think so.

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2019 The drama queen has done a great job of making up for the girls’ lack of “daddy in heaven” posts every single fucking day. sighs and rolls eyes Been going on for days now. Do some people want to remind us of those we would rather not think of or remember?

When I saw how much the fish liked hiding in the little basket Tom printed to put around the end of the filter so he wouldn’t get his delicate fins and tails sucked into it when I was cleaning it, I asked that he print another one. Haven’t seen him in it yet.

I quickly stopped by next door yesterday when picking up the mail. Virginia looks great and Bob looks like he usually does. They confirmed our suspicions. Ralph has died. So unfortunately that house is going to be on the market soon enough.

Found that using the voice typing tool directly in Google Docs on my laptop works just as well as on my phone. Google’s speech-to-text has always been better than Apple’s so I’m not going to be using my phone nearly as much anymore. With all the robocalls I get, the interruptions would definitely not be appreciated anyway. This one also starts right away like on my phone. The Mac’s takes several seconds to start. If given the choice it’s still much easier to do on my laptop because it’s easier to edit there.

Although I’m ever so slightly wound up now, probably because it’s Sunday night, I’m still continuing to do better overall. I’m just not sure if it’s more due to the pill cuts or getting closer to menopause.

What’s not good is my crotch. Still have burning and itching and still worried there won’t be much they can do for me. What the fuck’s God got against my womanhood in general, anyway? First I was denied a normal sex life. Then I was denied rights to my own reproductive system. Now this shit.

SATURDAY, JUNE 15, 2019 Happy 25th anniversary to us! Haven’t done much so far today. Changed the pigs’ liner with his help and went to Rite Aid. Then we went over some details with the app which we expect to launch today.

Forgot to mention that the two stitches she put in me are dissolvable, unlike when the other doctor did it and I had to go back to have her remove the one stitch or so she put in. So that’s one less appointment I have to worry about.

The pinching sensation is gone and I only ended up having a slight bit of spotting on the liner I wore. Let’s just say I would have been really bummed out had it not been from the biopsy and I saw that.

Crashed at around 8:30 or 9 last night just to be woken up for a few seconds when the fucking cock went zooming out at 9:30 after spending 7.5 hours with Mommy and Daddy. Doing what? Watching TV? Again, living here but not sleeping here. He really doesn’t seem to have done anything with his life since leaving the Army and divorcing 3 or 4 years ago. But I think that no matter how much Joy may have their backs, she can only cover it so much and him being here 24/7 was generating more complaints than she wanted to deal with. I just wish even more people would complain! I think the more that do, the less she’s likely to retaliate than if she just gets a few complaints every now and then. Either way, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to be here as long as we are.

Took me an hour to fall back asleep when I woke up again at 1 a.m. after having a nightmare of sorts about having an asthma attack in the apartment of one of the characters in my books. Ah, but the dream people have spun some potential story ideas for July’s NaNo while at it! :) Given the clarity of last night’s dream, I wonder if I was seeing into another dimension. I was a lot younger and living in this apartment with a female detective. I can see the place in vivid detail. What was funny was that Alyssa was my mom. She had me when she was really young. My dad was black so she was married to a black guy just like in real life.

Maybe I’ll do some basic story that’s not exactly silly but that doesn’t have much drama or much of a plot to it and that I probably won’t end up sharing since most people may find it boring. It’s just to be doing NaNo, and I like their tools and how I can keep track of my word progress there. I still have a couple of other ideas that have been on the back burner for a while so I won’t rule those out completely.

I also had some dream about my memory issues frustrating me. There was some woman who left me a voice message that I had to call that might have had something to do with my health somehow, be it physical or emotional, and I kept forgetting to return her call.

Lastly, I also dreamed about telling someone I wasn’t sure I was going to work and then Tom said he was hoping I would because he wanted to get one more car while we were here, LOL.

FRIDAY, JUNE 14, 2019 My appointment turned out to be both good and bad. Good: She doesn’t think it looks cancerous down there. She said something about cancer being raised and bleeding but I have nothing like that. Just very red and irritated-looking.

Bad: I’m not getting better. A study of 6 patients on Tacrolimus were all cured after a year but I don’t think I’m any different than the last time I saw her.

My records from Dr. Hottie finally made it to her but the biopsy she did simply stated something about an enlarged hair follicle. Yeah, she may’ve been a hottie but she definitely wasn’t a great doctor. She misdiagnosed me on a few things.

Anyway, since I’m still burning and itching, she recommended a biopsy to be absolutely certain it really is LS and that they’re not missing anything that could explain why I’m not responding to treatment. They’ll contact me in a couple of weeks with the results and on how to proceed from there. For now, I can treat it with Tacrolimus, hydrocortisone and Tucks as needed. Just not on the biopsy site.

This biopsy went much easier than when the hottie doc did it. Amy applied a numbing cream before shooting me. Hottie just shot me straight up with nothing. Now that the numbness has abated it sort of feels like something’s pinching me there but nothing that’s got me running for the Ibuprofen as of yet. Not much bleeding either. Once again, though, the pool will be delayed. I’m not even going to work out today.

Grabbed an Eucerine sample on the way out. I know Aly likes it but I find it too greasy.

Will probably get permanent pit removal someday but not the Mona Lisa Touch.

An ambulance was pulling away from next door right as I was glancing out front at around 8:30 this morning. I stepped outside to see a lady pig in a cruiser sitting in front of our place and another cruiser just past where the ambulance had been. My first thought was that Virginia was taken away but their SUV was in their garage and I later heard someone dragging the trash bin in back after it was dumped. Maybe she just didn’t go with them this time.

Tom just went to get the mail and saw them cleaning out Ralph’s oxygen equipment, so my guess is he’s not coming back. I had a feeling about that too, what with the way the paramedics were coming around so often. I won’t miss his blasting TV at night but I really hope the house doesn’t go up for sale while we’re still here since that could very well mean getting someone with a motorcycle or other loud vehicle that comes and goes regularly which would be worse. Again, old people just aren’t what they were in the 80s and before. These days they’re almost as annoying as the young folks.

The smart plug my rainbow lamp was plugged into that I use in the bedroom when I’m working at my desk in there went out, so we ordered a new one.

Getting robocalls multiple times a day now and it’s really getting old. I keep blocking them but they keep calling from new numbers with new area codes. it’s probably because of the sweeps. I haven’t entered any in several days but I think at the end of each month when most of them expire is when I’ll enter.

THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 2019 Tammy read my journal yesterday about the gift card and said she could use it so I emailed her the code. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for her. She hasn’t said anything about it either way and she almost never reeds or at least replies to my messages so I can’t ask her unless I ask on her wall or tag her. I don’t know what’s up with that. Maybe she just hates messages as much as I hate live phone chats.

I’ve really come to hate my nieces. All of them. Even Tammy isn’t always happy with the shit they do. I realize they’re young and there are worse people in the world than them, but between Lisa’s paranoid, accusatory and downright psychotic behavior, and the others being such narcissistic, selfish, rude bitches, I want absolutely nothing to do with any of them. Tammy herself knows that once I cut ties with someone or they cut them with me, that’s the way it stays. Never again do I want to hear from the girls and you know, I’m glad they dumped me, mostly over my posts about how being obsessed with the dead causes us to miss out on the living and me thinking it would help them not to “get over” it but to move on to more positive things. We all get stuck in negative ruts at times, after all. But yeah, I’m glad because now I don’t have to watch what I say so much because these overly-sensitive bitches can’t handle things and have the nerve to call others out on their posts while they can post whatever they want and to hell with who it annoys.

Becky and Sarah didn’t block me but I blocked them. I don’t need reminders of their existence when we all interact with Tammy. Having to hear about them and Lisa every fucking time I chat live with Tammy will be enough.

Even though I never really knew Etta and I wasn’t there, I can see why she’d throw Sarah out without warning. They ever think that maybe since both aunts can’t stand them that maybe the problem is them? Somehow I doubt it. Just can’t picture them feeling guilt, remorse or being able to own up to their own actions. “I’m sorry” probably isn’t even in their vocabulary. It was because of Tammy that I didn’t share my true feelings with them before blocking them. Like they’d get it anyway much less agree? I’ll wait and vent if Tammy dies first…maybe.

All this extra walking is doing wonders for my health and my overall sense of well-being. I feel great both physically and emotionally. Even my blood pressure is lower. Sometimes I think it’s still sad that I can never get under 150, but I try not to let it get to me. I am what I was meant to be in this day in age. I lost a pound and a half and I’m sure I can lose another pound or two, but then my body will hold its weight automatically.

Aly didn’t reply to my message until the end of my day in which case I didn’t bother to reply because I was getting too tired. We swapped messages today, though. Her GYN couldn’t see her yesterday so she went in today. Probably just an infection although it could be fibroids. It’s nothing serious either way. I just hope she soon gets a break as well so she too, can enjoy months between appointments instead of weeks. Yes, after seeing Amy tomorrow who I doubt will tell me anything I want to hear, I should be appointment-free until September unless I do decide to see the shrink in August. So far that’s not looking likely, though.

Had a dream that we were in the car going somewhere when Tom quickly skidded to a stop because some people were blocking the road. There were two vehicles that got in an accident or had car trouble, and one car was blocking the outer lane which we were in. When we got out of the car I was worried there might be a fight but all was peaceful.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12, 2019 Sitting by the animals on the beanbag chair as I take a little rest after burning my first 300 calories of the day. I want to burn another 100-200. It takes 25 minutes of walking at 2.5 MPH to burn 100.

Even though my joints have stiffened with age, my feet and hips have been pretty good to me this time around since adding time to my walking. The last time I did this my right hip was killing me and my feet were really sore.

I ate so much KFC yesterday that I didn’t eat for the last 8 hours of my day. I didn’t even have my happy hour. Four pieces of chicken, a biscuit, french fries and part of a sundae; what was I thinking! Amazed I’m only up half a pound. I thought I would be up a pound or two.

I don’t know if this counts, but I supposedly won a $30 gift card to a bedding store when aiming for a new mattress. I guess I was one of the runner-ups. There are a few things I could get for around that price but nothing I really want or need. Wondering if this counts as what the dream I had a few nights ago represented where I won a screen door I didn’t want.

Tom decided that rather than have me give Aly a link to the first tester game right away, we’re going to keep our mouths shut and see who downloads it on their own. After a few days, I’ll give her the link. This first one is just getting his feet wet and learning how to do it. Not to make money.

If it does look like he can generate enough revenue from apps, we’ll have the business in my name since they could withhold some of his retirement money if he was making too much on the side after deciding he wanted to retire early.

It’s like that with disability. You can work part-time but any more than that and they’ll take some if not all of your disability money.

I thought I was too young for so many appointments, but poor Aly! She has an emergency gynecologist appointment this morning because she’s having heavy bleeding and major cramps. I have no idea what that could mean but after having NovaSure, it can’t be very good. Hopefully, it’s only because of her blood disorder.

It almost sucks that we both don’t want to stay in this state because, in light of not being able to get universal healthcare to pass, California is very likely to follow Massachusetts with universal healthcare long before Florida does. Eventually, they’re going to lower the Medicare age to 55, but people talk. Talk doesn’t mean shit without the actions to back up your words so I’m not going to believe anything until I see it no matter how likely it may seem. But it’s the insurance that’s the main issue for us as far as when he can retire and all that.

I like that the state is liberal and has the Death with Dignity Act that you would think would be everywhere by now, but it’s still too expensive, too cold in the winter, and I’m tired of the planes and traffic. We’re in a shitty location. Too close to too busy of a street. I don’t expect to ever have a quiet place. I learned many moves ago that that’s not meant to be. But I think we can find a bedroom that isn’t so close to the street, get on a less traveled street, and out of a flight path.

We’ve been having a heatwave of triple-digit temps. In the late afternoon when it’s at its hottest and I’m hot flashing, it’s definitely uncomfortable but it still beats being cold. The temps are supposed to drop soon, though.

My God, I’m so sick of these fucking robocalls! And having to restart my browser cuz my keyboard keeps crapping out on me, and my rainbow lamp blinking on and off. WTH is up with that?

The mama’s boy that was in twice yesterday oughta be roaring in soon.

TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 2019 Having a nice day today despite the noise. The usual loud vehicle craze following the morning planes sprinkled with landscaping.

Mama’s boy not only came in yesterday afternoon but just a little while ago the bastard came in and left a few minutes later. Again, it lives here but doesn’t sleep here yet might as well as often as it comes around. They wouldn’t get evicted and they know it.

We were going to go to West Sac today but decided we’ve tested the car enough. It sure has the best AC of any car we’ve ever had before!

After replacing the pigs’ liner, moving the rainbow clock from the master bedroom to the bathroom, and throwing Suki on the bedroom floor between the bed and closet where she’ll be easier to dress, we went to the UPS Store to return the Bose buds.

Then I got Suki a pair of magenta high-heeled sandals. Only problem is that not only is 8.5 about a size and a half too big for her, but her foot doesn’t have enough of an arch for them either, so they look a little funny on her.

Lastly, we stopped at KFC where I stupidly stuffed the shit out myself so bad I wished I could puke it up but couldn’t, of course.

We decided to go swimming on Friday after my appointment with Amy rather than today since I already showered. I’ll be showering the night before my appointment and staying up later that day. Late enough to hit the pool when the brats are gone. Or supposed to be, anyway. I fucking hate that they upped their pool time to 2:00. This isn’t an all-ages park, for God’s sake! Personally, I don’t think they should be allowed to use the pool at all. Isn’t the whole point of moving to an adult community because you want to be around adults?

Another thing we’re going to delay is our Alcatraz trip. We decided it’d be better in the fall when it’s not only cooler for outdoor activities but when there will be fewer people with the kids back in school and all that.

Tom and I were talking about it earlier and we both agree that the fact that I didn’t continue to have anxiety after the day it was more noticeable around the 5th, is still a good sign that points to the dosage being part of the issue. Brands, going into menopause, dosage, etc. I still think - and hope - I’ll one day be able to take at least 75s without issue. But yeah, it’s still looking promising. Making it to August is when I’ll really get a sense of whether or not I’m on the right track. By October I’ll know for sure.

I still hot flash just about every day but that’s mostly toward the end of my day and in bed that I do that. I’m used to it, though. It’s the anxiety I could never get used to if I lived a million years. Worst feeling on earth!

As for my weight…if I ever decide I really have to lose some for whatever reason, there are only two ways to get it off and both are impossible. I have to either eat next to nothing or pop my gut. Yeah, as in puking up my food. Only problem is that as much as I’ve tried wiggling my finger down my throat, I just can’t get my belly to pop. I even tried eating and eating until I was so full in hopes that my stomach would burst but I just can’t get myself to do that either. Even if I could, I know that having stomach acid in my throat and on my teeth regularly wouldn’t be good. I mean what am I going to do? Pop my gut every single day? Because that’s literally what it would take. I couldn’t just do it for a while and then stop, because as soon as I stopped and kept everything I ate, the weight would return. So, since my only options would be to forever starve or forever puke, I’ve gotta trust that my body wouldn’t carry this extra weight if it didn’t feel it needed it. The only thing I really don’t like about it is how it impedes my range of flexibility to a degree right along with my aging joints, ligaments and tendons.

MONDAY, JUNE 10, 2019 Starting my updating while I’m on the skier. The only thing I don’t like about this is having to hold the phone I’m voice typing on with one hand but it’s not too bad.

We got the animals into the storeroom and set the bombs off at 4:15 yesterday morning. Then we get in the car and dear hubby presses the button to start our electric car and realizes he doesn’t have the key. We both agreed that was a really dumb one on his part. I thought I was getting absent-minded! Promising to hold his breath, he dove into the house and grabbed the key. The bombs had stopped going off by then but there was still a heavy mist in the air. He survived, though. I was just a little worried about what else he might have forgotten and so was he, LOL.

Really hope that blasting music in stores and restaurants is just a Cali thing, but first, we shot uphill to Auburn at a steady 65 miles an hour, not in economy mode or doing anything to save energy, to see how fast it would drain the battery. It held up pretty well. We could probably get to SF on just 2 charges.

My ears started popping before we reached the sign saying we were 1000 feet in elevation. We went to a shopping center we would frequent when we lived in Auburn. I remembered all the stores and found myself missing the area a bit. I would still rather get the hell out of the state altogether be it to Florida or Nevada, but if I had to start all over again, even though Jesse could be a pest and his mutts barked all the time, I would have just stayed crammed in there with the shitty internet connection and the well crapping out periodically had I known just how chaotic and noisy this park would be. Not even 6 a.m. and the planes are going nonstop and soon the landscaping and loud traffic will join in.

Anyway, it took 20 minutes to charge the car and I ran around the mostly deserted parking lot during part of it because I hate to sit still for long which is part of why I hate road trips. Even so, I’m looking forward to our upcoming trip to Alcatraz even though we don’t know exactly when we’re going yet.

With the car charged, we stopped at Denny’s in Newcastle. The music wasn’t that loud but it was a bit basey. More annoying than that was the loudmouth Mexicans a few booths down.

Decided to switch to the treadmill. I have to speak a little louder but my voice is naturally loud and strong from all the years of singing I did.

I got eggs, bacon, pancakes and French fries well he got an omelet.

Then we returned to the city and actually gained battery life that way rather than lost any because it was all downhill to where we’re 300 feet in elevation. Plus, we went slower and switched to economy mode. This mini-trip gave us a better idea of what traveling to SF will be like.

Still having time to kill, we spent over an hour in Walmart browsing the aisles and listening to their blasting music. Why do stores and restaurants feel they need to entertain us? They’re there to provide food and merchandise, not entertainment! Yet you feel more like you’re stepping into some club than a store or restaurant.

Ended up getting a couple of cute dolls. An Asian one called Yuki and a cute little brown girl in a ballet leotard with shiny silver leg warmers. Plus, we picked up some groceries and I got multi-colored measuring spoons and cups to replace our old, boring set. This one has more measurement units too. Goes well with our colorful whisk.

Re-entered the house 4 hours later and the animals made for twice as much work. I swear I don’t remember guinea pigs ever being this much work! Where the rats need more attention, the pigs are more work. I think in many ways they’re more work than cats and dogs, so if you don’t want to spend more time working for your pets than enjoying them, don’t get any pigs. I love the way they sound and the cute things they do, but all they do is cost money, eat like crazy, and take a lot of work.

What really disappointed me and even had me a bit concerned was how exhausted I was in the end. Okay, so I did do a total of maybe two and a half hours of walking when you add it all up, but still…should I have been that exhausted? Low thyroid? Age? Weight? Well, I may be getting up there in years and a bit low on thyroid but I’m not that big and I do keep active, so I don’t know what my problem was. I felt winded and slightly weak but after letting myself rest for a while I was a little better. Just not awake enough to really do anything else. I didn’t even feel like checking in with people on social media/apps or whatever. I just crawled into bed and listened to my book until I fell asleep.

This has me more determined to be even more active so that Alcatraz doesn’t end up knocking me on my ass. It’s just weird, though, as I’m not that low on thyroid, I’m certainly not that old, and I’m not that fat. Just a little bit of each.

Had a dream that I won a “fancy” screen door, so naturally, I’m wondering if this means a win is right around the corner because I almost always learn I’ve won something after having a win dream. It was a weird-looking screen door with these shelves or baskets or whatever but nothing we could use. So Tom called some people to see if they wanted it. Then the dream ended with me saying I would definitely enter even more sweeps. I rarely win what I dream I won, especially since I doubt any such door exists, but seldom does it not mean anything. If it doesn’t, I’m probably going to hang up sweeping again because one of my 3 main email accounts is being overrun with spam. If it does turn out to mean anything and I do win something and therefore keep entering, I’ll use another email address that rarely gets used and let that one get overrun with spam generated from sweeps.

The day before yesterday we went to Sam’s and that was surprisingly peaceful for once. Didn’t hear nearly as much loud beeping from their stupid forklifts.

He has tomorrow off and we’re going to West Sacramento. Probably going to hit the pool as well since we’re in for some triple-digit temps. Today will mostly be spent walking and writing.

Noticed Mr. Twenties unfriended me on Facebook. He hasn’t been very active on there for quite a while because of privacy issues or so that’s at least what he says. I wonder how long it will be before Carolyn unfriends me as well? It might be because he’s not into it but I think more than likely it’s that I’m too different than they are but that’s okay. No hard feelings whatever his reason.

Burned my first 125 calories of the day. I’m aiming for 400. Of course I’m not going to lose weight, but it’s definitely going to get me in even better shape. I’m surprised I didn’t wake up with a sore hip today so that much is good.

SATURDAY, JUNE 8, 2019 Tom met “Santa Claus” the other day when getting the mail but forgot his real name. He has a business dressing up as Santa and looks the part too, with his long white beard. He’s skinny, though, and lives down the street. I think I’ve seen him. Pretty sure he moved in next to Jim.

I’ve been having issues with excessive hunger for a while now and while I know PMS and pregnancy can make you hungry, I couldn’t understand why I was hungry so often so I looked, and sure enough, it’s yet another symptom of going into menopause. I’m just about convinced that menopause causes everything except for one to get rich. I really am.

Ended up tossing down nearly 2,000 calories yesterday but surprisingly, I woke up the same weight as the day before. I wasn’t even very active yesterday either. Decided that weight gain, if that’s what’s going to happen, is worth ending my constant hunger so I’m just going to eat when my body feels it needs to and leave it at that. If I gain, fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too. I’m just tired of always having to hold back.

Read this article about how difficult it’s supposed to be to lose weight after menopause and when I think about it, I can only think of a few people over 50 that have lost weight and that was only because something was wrong. I’ve known it wasn’t coming off until I became old or God forbid ill, but being hungry all the time isn’t worth trying to keep more from coming on. So from now on, I eat when I’m hungry. No more holding out. My blood pressure may go up and I may not be as healthy and I may get the neck knockers I had last night, but at least I won’t be hungry anymore!

Aly and I were talking about this 10-year-old girl named Viv whom she nannies for at times and how her mother seems to be attracted to abusive men. Then she mentioned that Molly is the same way and seems to prefer those that treat her like shit. Well, I don’t know Vivian’s mother but it’s hard to feel sorry for Molly when she’s hurt so many people. To me, this is just karma coming back at her.

It was unusually chilly the night before last when we went out for a walk late at night. Another unusual thing for this time of year is that I can hear the freeway. It’s like summer just doesn’t want to stay. We’re in for triple-digit soon so maybe it will stick around a while then.

The planes have been horrible. We definitely need to get out of flight paths. What I don’t understand is why we became one after four years of living here. I would have noticed such excessive flying had it been an issue prior to that. The only things I heard excessively before that were small planes, military jets, and helicopters. The commercial planes didn’t start driving me crazy until last September. Early mornings and late nights are especially bad and the temperature doesn’t seem to have any effect on it. For some reason, they chose us to be a new flight path and I swear I wasn’t kidding when I said that each and every place I live in gets progressively noisier. It’s never been the other way around and it’s never held steady either. I just think it’s fucking ridiculous that we’re the only ones in the world that can’t move for years. Tom assures me there are plenty of others who can’t move right when they want to. For over half a decade, though? No, I’m sorry. This only happens to us. With everyone else, it’s weeks or months at the most. Not years. So as much as I’ve come to hate this country for a lot of reasons, we definitely need to stay in it. It would be hard enough to get back out of Florida if we decided we didn’t like it, so imagine how many years it would take to get out of another country! It’s like something up there has always been obsessed with me being in places I didn’t want to be in or had grown tired of. This started in my childhood…the Brattleboro Retreat, Valleyhead… Wouldn’t God just fucking love me if I stayed here forever? The thing is that I know that whatever’s cursing me with noise is going to ruin the next place, too. The best I can do is focus on a nicer climate and a newer place. Not what’s around it.

What I don’t get about the mama’s boy’s parents is why they ever moved here. Their son would obviously love to live with them for the rest of their lives and I think it’s safe to say they wouldn’t mind that at all. So why come here then? Tom says it’s because it’s cheaper but so are other mobile parks, including those for all ages.

For some reason, the year 2022 comes to mind as far as us moving. Had a dream a while back that suggested September would be the month but if it’s going to take that long, we may as well stay till he reaches full retirement on the 1st of 2024. Either way, we’ve got a long way to go.

I tested the last Echo Dot we got which is white, and this time it didn’t hiss on words with S sounds in them when reading my book, but the speaker sounds awful. It’s like listening to someone talk from another room. So I brought the Dot back into the bedroom and paired it back up with the remote.

The cocoon wasn’t really making much of a difference, and while it’s easy for me to say I don’t care what this place looks like anymore since it’s not our forever home, that doesn’t mean I want to see something that hideously weird and ugly looking either. So we’re thinking of adding a canopy to the bed because that way I wouldn’t have to move any soundproofing material or anything we draped over it when making the bed. I think that would look nice actually, and I could cover it with something more decorative. It would make the room look smaller but who cares about that?

Again I had another positive and detailed dream about my mother and again it makes me wonder. Another dimension? Her reaching out from beyond? Simply a dream? Nothing changes either way. I could never forgive her. Not even if she were suddenly alive again. As I said, if you dump me or give me a reason to dump you, I don’t do do-overs. Once you’re out of my life that’s the way it stays.

In the dream, I’m not sure if I ever knew Tom or not but I was definitely single. I was my real age but mom seemed younger. She’d just been released from the hospital and I ran up to greet her when someone dropped her off at her house. I told her I had been worried about her and she promised that she would take better care of herself from now on.

Then it was her birthday again and we were supposed to go somewhere where someone was throwing her a party. She was driving us there but then we ended up in a hotel.

It was in the evening and I had a cold and wished we could hurry up and get the party over with so I could go to bed. One of the guinea pigs was on the floor and hopped over to the door when voices could be heard out in the hall. I first thought it was the people throwing mom the party but then their voices faded away.

I told Mom that I wanted to ask her some personal questions when she had a chance. I was going to ask her about changing hormones and some things about how we change as we age.

Then it was daytime and we were at the beach in Connecticut. I sat on the shore for a few minutes and then slowly waded out into the water for a quick dip.

Then it was nighttime again and we were back in the hotel room. I still felt like I had a cold, too. Mom turned off the lights, put on some music, and lay down in her bed. I got up from the other bed to ask her what was going on next and she gently took my hand in the dark and said she was tired of waiting and wasn’t even going to turn the music down so she could hear the phone if anyone called.

Was just about to post this when Tom got up and updated me on Pawandeep. She had her adenoids removed before going home to India for a while. When she returned it was found that her TSH went from a 4 to 0, so she’s to go back down to 50s. I was surprised they’d up her to 75s from a 4 as it was. Even more surprised to learn she never had thyrotoxic symptoms as I did as high as a 3. She lost more weight too, but she’s young and her throat is super sore. Tom had his own adenoids removed when he was a kid and said it was horrible.

FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 2019 Decided to block the girls after all. Like with Lisa, I don’t need any reminders of their existence when they swap comments with Tammy, and this way I confirm that this is the way it stays. Sure, they could call or email me but they’d only do that if Tammy died and maybe not even then.

Slept better and longer so I feel more rested today. I’m enjoying another calm day and I didn’t experience any sodium neck knockers either.

I’m exactly 25 years in the past as far as my secondary PB account goes. I’ve left this one open to comments but haven’t received any yet. I’m also matching dates. So that means I posted June 7, 1994. Next entry for that year is on the 9th, so I’ll post that in two days. LOL

THURSDAY, JUNE 6, 2019 I thought I was going to have some anxiety today but I’m okay. Nothing yesterday either.

Just had to take a baby Benadryl because my forearm is itching like crazy. Not even hydrocortisone cream is helping it. One of the pigs or rats was climbing on me and scratched me a couple of days ago.

The Twenties had to have been pissed yesterday morning when the fucking cock came roaring in at 6:45, no doubt waking them up. Waiting for the first brave soul to finally get fed up enough to take a bat to the fucking thing but know it will never happen. Besides, Joy has their backs either way. The only way you can get away with violating the rules as often as they have is to have a friend in the office. That much is obvious even if Joy hadn’t retaliated on me or the Twenties for complaining. They’ll be here as long as we are no matter what they do.

I think of Tammy and what she’s going through in her park and it’s funny while it’s not. I warned her this would happen. I warned her that adult communities aren’t what they used to be. Things change. People change. And these places are anything but peaceful these days that I don’t even know why they bother to exist. I can’t imagine shit like this happening on Nettles Island when my parents lived there. I just can’t.

Speaking of them and living places, I had a weird dream about my mother last night that had me wondering when I realized the date. In the dream, she was acting totally different than she would in real life. I must have been single because I was all excited about her getting me an apartment in this luxury building she lived in.

Well, first of all, she would never want me living close to her. Hell, she wouldn’t even let me have her fucking phone number for quite a while. This is the kind of shit I would laugh off when I was younger but later came to resent and see it for the insulting act that it truly was.

Nonetheless, she was totally different in the dream. She was relaxed, she was joking, and she was just plain nice.

Jokingly I asked, “Is it wrong to feel safer moving into the same building your mother lives in even when you’re supposed to be tough at your age?”

She assured me it wasn’t wrong and then teasingly said, “You were never tough.”

I laughed and said it sounded funny the way she said that.

Then she took me into what looked like a small eatery of some kind that was on the ground floor. We were to meet with the manager or something like that.

By the counter was a pool with glass walls, and I excitedly exclaimed how much I loved those things as I thought of how exciting it would be to live in such a fancy building with modern stuff. I was so happy that I had tears in my eyes.

Then I woke up and realized there was something familiar about the date. Today my mother would have been 87 years old. Weird coincidence or not? Some people believe that the dead communicate with us through our dreams but I’m still not convinced we live on after death. I just don’t know.

Woke up very tired because I slept shitty. Yeah, I’m on that cycle again and expect it to go on for days before I’m sleeping better again. I woke up twice to pee and a million other times for nothing. Incredibly, even though I was “unbudded,” traffic didn’t wake me up.

I probably shouldn’t have gotten the fried food I got on the way back from the ENT, which was quick as usual. Won’t see her again for a year. Eating shitty food after eating healthy might have had a part in why I didn’t sleep well. I’m sure it definitely had a part in the very noticeable neck knockers I had with all the sodium in those chicken nuggets and fries.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5, 2019 Tammy has been very understanding as far as her narcissistic brats go. She admits that she doesn’t agree with everything her girls do, but because they’re adults they do have the right to decide who they want in their lives.

I appreciate that she isn’t taking sides and understands where we’re both coming from and doesn’t try to push anyone one way or the other. I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong and that I was only cut off by the girls because I said things they didn’t want to hear. So my conscience is clear and I don’t feel guilty in any way shape or form as I had just as much right to express myself as they did. I’m actually kind of glad they’ve cut ties with me because it’s easier this way. They’re too sensitive and emotional in the wrong kind of way so now I don’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells because they have to be so damn fragile. It isn’t just that they’re overly fragile or sensitive but more that they’re just very selfish individuals. They have a problem with what others say but they have absolutely no problem whatsoever with saying what they want to say.

Oh, life’s little sensitives. rolls eyes Don’t you just love them? They’re still young so maybe they’ll grow up a little eventually. Even if they do, though, I don’t do do-overs. I used to, but not anymore. So if they decide 5, 10 years down the road that they’d like to reconnect with me, it’s too late. Consider me a train. When traveling Amtrak and stepping off for a smoke or something, if you don’t get back on that train when it takes off, it will not stop to take you back.

I may not feel any guilt or shame where they’re concerned, but last night I sure ended up feeling the worst I’ve felt since beginning this dosage experiment just over 8 weeks ago. What’s next, a period?

I was definitely more than just a little on edge. I feel a bit crushed, heartbroken, and kind of devasted, too. I now have absolutely no clue what could be causing it, though I agree with Tom in that it’s probably multiple things. All I do know for sure is that I definitely had problems when I first went on 75s and when I took 88s. That couldn’t be more obvious than it was.

But now I’m thinking it’s more likely tied in with going into menopause, a condition I happened to acquire, things going on like noise and sleep issues, or maybe there’s even something cursing this house. I don’t know, maybe there’s just something bad about this place. Some kind of negative energy in the area. That one seems the least likely so I guess all I can do is hope it’s tied in with changing hormones and someday it will go away even if it’s looking less likely the longer I have it. It would be especially devasting if I had it 6-12 months after being officially menopausal.

I’ll probably just have to deal with it when it hits and enjoy the days that it doesn’t. So far today I’m fine but I’ve only been up for 5 hours and it tends to set in more towards the middle of my day. I still think there could be a connection with drug brands too, but just like I one day had to accept that I would never lose weight and that being heavy is simply the older me, I might have to accept that I’m going to suffer on and off from anxiety for the rest of my life. I guess if I could adapt to being fat and even become comfortable with it the more familiar it got, I will eventually do the same with the anxiety. It’s me. Just like having a deformed ear is me.

That fake ear canal has 9 hours before it’s properly cleaned. Yeah, nothing like having your sleep broken up due to a nightmare, waking up tired, even if I’m not as tired as I thought I would be, and then having a million hours before your appointment.

In the dream, I was sitting on the edge of an airbed. Tammy was in the room as I looked at a remote I held in my hand that said it was low on air. So I blew it up a bit and then checked the remote. It’s still said it was low on air, so I began to blow it up again. Initially, only the head of the bed began to rise and my first thought was that one of the inner walls had burst. But in just a few seconds, the bed curled upward and wrapped around me, squeezing me in its center. Sandwiched in as tightly as I was, I couldn’t work the remote that was still clutched in my hand in order to release the air. I awoke hoping Tammy would run and grab a pair of scissors and start cutting me out of the thing before I could suffocate to death.

So not a nice dream at all. :-(

Saw an ad for the Chernobyl series on HBO and forgot that we have HBO. It’s part of our internet package. So I began watching it. What a horrifying tragedy!

I’m also absolutely thrilled that for once we’re going to start controlling men’s bodies instead of just women by castrating child molesters. Only, I don’t think just “certain” child molesters should be castrated. I think all sex offenders of all kinds should be regardless of the age of their victims. But this is a start! Now let’s see how they like having their bodies controlled and being told what they can and can’t do with them.

I’m just wondering when women are going to finally fight back. If they keep sitting and letting men tell them what they can and can’t do, they’ll keep being taken advantage of. Sometimes you really do have to step on people to get ahead. Marching in parades while chanting and twirling signs isn’t going to do it. Physically going after these politicians and putting them in their place is what’s going to ultimately lead to their freedom. Once they make an example out of the bastards that are controlling them, this is what’s going to send the right message to future politicians and remind them of what can happen if they even think of jumping in the driver’s seat of a woman’s reproductive rights.

Anyway, other than being a little tired tonight, I’m still having some head pressure upon standing up, neck knockers, lightheadedness and that strange vibration I get in my head at times.

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2019 Okaaayyy, I have done my part and I guess this is it. We can send messages to people but we can’t make them reply. If my nieces want nothing to do with me, I will respect their wishes and fuck right off, but this is the way it stays. :) Once you step out of my life or I put you out of it, you don’t get back in. I don’t go back and forth, I don’t “fight” for people, I don’t do dramatics, etc. Out of respect for Tammy, I have refrained from really speaking my mind, not that it would change anything other than to perhaps let me vent and get some things off my chest since they seem to be very Kim-like in that they can do no wrong as far as they’re concerned.

As I said, I don’t want any drama. So best to simply return the silent treatment and leave it at that. Sometimes it’s okay to consider other people’s feelings before considering our own and that’s what I’m going to do in this case, but only for now. Someday I fully do intend to share a piece of my mind with the narcissistic selfish bitches no matter what.

Finished Slasher last night and was surprised at who the Druid turned out to be. Just didn’t expect them to be black and I’m sure the producers got called out on that one, but I like that they mix things up. More realistic that way.

The last few nights have been quiet and the days have been hot and dry. Unfortunately, the temperature is going to drop 20° by Friday. :-(

Right before 8pm, I heard a guy shout in what sounded like a panicked and angry voice. My first thought was Mr. Twenties getting run over again, but then I looked out the front window and saw two guys and a woman entering the circle on bikes. I didn’t see the first biker but the other guy and woman seemed younger and my first thought was that it was the punk with the loud car and his father and sister. But they never re-entered the circle after leaving it unless they did so without shouting at each other, and I haven’t heard the car, so I guess it wasn’t them.

Slept great but last night I was slightly on edge. Didn’t feel as good as I did the night before but tonight I’m feeling okay so far. Still not having anything that literally constitutes being anxious so that much is good. My next milestone goal is to get to August. That’s when I go from being 60% hopeful to 80%. Still don’t want to get my hopes up too high but it’s looking good so far. It’s been 8 months since my last period and while I don’t want to get my hopes up with that either, that’s looking good, too. :-)

Because I fucked up and left the 11th on the calendar for seeing Amy when it was really bumped up to the 14th, he’s got both of those days off. During the 11th we’re going to take Candy for a little test drive and see what it’s like using the free charging stations. We won’t go very far, of course, but maybe up to Auburn or something.

Oh, the joys of having ADD. Really getting impatient with the book I’m writing so even if it’s not always a good thing to do, I’m going to rush it along and get it done and over with so I can get bored with another story during July’s Camp NaNo, LOL.

The waterless small animal shampoo arrived. It leaked a little but the bottle is still full. The baby powder scent is lovely. I don’t know if the rats care one way or the other, but the pigs seem to like it.

Fuzzy used to sit on my shoulder as I’d open the fridge to get his cheese. Now he jumps into the fridge and tries to help himself, haha!

Digital Expressions is shutting down after 17 years. Never wrote much there anyway since I didn’t like their text editor much. It replaced apostrophes with these funny symbols and I can’t do anything “privately” while still being public since people always find me. As I’ve said before, if I want someone to know I signed up wherever, I would tell them. Sometimes I just like to write for a different group of people and see how they react. That ain’t happening unless I create a bogus email account and join in a bogus name and that’s just not worth it to me. So I’ll likely be just MO or private in most places.

Aly didn’t deactivate her Ask account but I did. Why get questions I’m going to have a hard time answering due to their shit? Maybe Ask will sell the damn site someday to someone better equipped to handle all the traffic and that won’t need to resort to tactics that will drive users away.

Meanwhile, we’re both on CC now and I suspect Kim is, too.

“Do you worry a lot about things?”

This was a question I was asked anonymously that smacks of Kim.

I asked Aly if she wanted me to identify myself when asking her questions and she said I didn’t have to because she could usually tell what was from me. To this, she added a grinning emoji, and again I wondered just how she’s able to make me on so many things. But I also don’t see how she could hack my account and find that info either. We can’t keep track of the things we’ve asked others. Aly would have to hack Ask itself in order to find that info out. Could she do something like that and get away with it? Would she do it if she could? I would think that would be awfully risky but who knows? The only other way she could find this out would be to hack my computer and I would think my virus protection would have picked up on that by now, but I’m not a computer expert. She knows more about this kind of thing than I do.

But yeah, she really makes me wonder at times. Maybe she’s psychic or unusually intuitive because there were times, after all, when I mentioned sensing someone on Ask who knows us, and she said she got that feeling, too. Well, if she could just hack Ask and find out, why not do that? And why disallow anonymous comments as she did for a while, saying she wanted to know who was asking what? So she’s probably just very intuitive or a lucky guesser.

Started unsubscribing from sweeps because I just don’t win often enough for it to be worth wading through all the spam. It’s like the sponsors take advantage of entrants and see it as a legal opportunity to spam the shit out of them. Besides, getting other people’s “congratulations” really gets to me. I don’t know why, but I fucking hate that. It’s just so rude and unnecessary to congratulate someone on someone else’s win and get them all excited for nothing. Only the real winners should be notified. Not everyone entered the contest.

Learned what a “gold star” lesbian is, LOL, when pouring through some questions and answers on CC. I guess it’s a lesbian who has never been with a man and never intends to be either.

I still consider myself technically bi because I have been attracted to some men here and there. Just not as many men as women. You know you’re growing old, though, when the thought of being liked by someone you consider gorgeous doesn’t excite you the way it would years ago. I don’t think I’d feel anything at all.

I still watch random videos before bed when I’m unwinding and I’ve browsed through many videos of stories where people claim to have gone to heaven while others go to hell. I just never know whether or not they’re true stories, hallucinations, or maybe they’re just making it all up.

I still worry about an afterlife existing even though I would prefer for there to be absolutely nothing at all. Still don’t know if there is one, but the possibility concerns me because if there is a hell, how do I know that’s where I won’t end up? Well, I guess when these dark possibilities worry me, I just try to reassure myself that there’s just as much chance of me ending up in a good place as there is a bad one.

Then there’s the debate on how humanity will end. Most scientists and laureates believe it will end due to the population rising and environmental degradation.

I disagree. I believe it’ll end by their second guess… Nuclear war. I think climate change, environmental damage and disease are actually what would be the case if not for a nuclear war. So I think their second guess is most likely and their first guess is the next likely.

I can’t say when this war will happen, but I think it’s about a hundred years away. I don’t think it will happen until technology advances so far that just a few bombs are all it takes to destroy humanity. Right now, the people crazy enough to start shit don’t quite have the power to do much harm. The biggest threat is from the Middle East and North Korea. They’re even crazier than Trump. Trump is too selfish to spite himself in order to spite others in that he wouldn’t be willing to kill everybody in the world if it meant killing himself as well. Once the most advanced weapons get into the wrong hands is when worldwide chaos, death and destruction will occur. And yes, there are plenty of people who will kill themselves and their families to kill others.

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2019 Coming up on 8 weeks without any serious anxiety! Just a touch on edge here and there. So now I have a faint glimmer of hope that while hormones may still be a factor, the brand and dose were also issues. I’d now say there’s a 60% chance it was.

Traffic woke me up once when I temporarily took the buds out during my sleep, though I still slept well overall and feel rested. Figured the cocoon was a waste of time and money, though.

Okay, here’s what I’m going to do regarding Becky and Sarah. It’s Becky’s birthday today. I’ll wish her a happy birthday in a DM and will do the same for Sarah on September 14th. After that, if I don’t hear from them, we’re done. They’ll never hear from me again unless it’s to give them a piece of my mind. I don’t expect to tell them how I really feel, though, as long as Tammy’s alive and we’re connected. It’s only out of respect for her that I don’t let the narcissistic, selfish brats in on what I’m really thinking.

SUNDAY, JUNE 2, 2019 Fed up with the issues they have, Aly and I left Ask for Curious Cat. Since she asked me one of her answers to a question I asked her anonymously, again I wonder if she’s hacked my account. But she’d have to hack more than that to know I asked it. Ask doesn’t have a ‘sent’ section of any kind. So as I’ve asked a million times before, how does she know certain questions are from me no matter how I write them, and how did she really find my old PB account?

Let’s see her find Just Too Funny. I deleted the one she found and created this one for paraphrased entries. I used a real email addy and my real name but this time I blocked every account of hers I could think of and set it to MO.

This is just too weird. After a nice hot dry day, It’s raining. Steadily but not really pouring. Strange for this time of year but despite the rain and wearing the wrong glasses, I rode down and tossed the old bread by the lake for the ducks to have for breakfast if it holds up in the rain. My HR was pounding when I got in but settled down at a reasonable pace. There are tons of hills here and I was going fast, like 15-20 MPH.

Tom was walking the rent down to the office when he spotted a couple of ducks fucking a few houses down. LOL, too funny.

He chatted with Mr. Twenties when he and Mrs. Twenties were passing out the Crier. They chatted about the car and other things.

I’ve been sleeping surprisingly well even though Tom said it was noisy today with loud trucks, landscaping and helicopters. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I’m not kidding when I say this place makes the noisiest of places I’ve lived in seem comatose. It sucks here most of the time. It’s not even quiet at night usually. So far so good tonight, though.

Ran out to Rite-Aid earlier and grabbed a few things. Got a 4-pack of Merlot from a brand I’ve never tried before called Sutter Home. It tastes exactly like Barefoot’s.

I also got Maybelline’s new 24-hour lipstick that’s two-sided. First you brush the color on and then there’s a wax seal. I’m liking it so far. I got a subtle pinkish color that doesn’t really stand out but is just obvious enough to notice.

The cocoon is now in beta testing, though I’m still going to use the buds since I’m only a few days away from an appointment.

SATURDAY, JUNE 1, 2019 Just like last night, I thought I was heading for a new round of anxiety, but I still seem to be holding steady. Maybe not quite as calm as I’d like but nothing serious. At least not yet. I’m less than two days from the ultra-critical zone of the experiment I’ve been doing. I’m only taking a full dose once a week.

Last night I was really cold and tonight I’m just the opposite. I’ve always been sensitive to cold and get cold easily and I’m still hot flashing, but some of the cold may be low thyroid. Can’t really say for sure. I understand, though, that if I can still be experiencing hot flashes, I suppose it makes sense that I could feel some anxiety. I just hope it doesn’t get so bad that it morphs into depression and feelings of hopelessness! I also hope it will get less and less as I become postmenopausal.

Been working non-stop on various pet and household tasks for the last 8 or 9 hours. Getting them out of the way so I can enjoy the weekend whether I end up tired or not.

Nothing woke me up today but my bladder. Got up to pee in the middle of my sleep and had trouble falling back asleep so I slept a little later than expected and pushed myself to get up at 3:30 because I didn’t want my schedule jumping too fast. It would be good for my ENT but not for my dermatologist.

I’m only slightly tired today, though. But sooner or later my luck is going to run out and I’m going to wake up a million times due to whatever or whoever, and I’m going to be too tired to do much. So that’s why I’m glad to have things done and out of the way, like laundry and things like that.

Tomorrow he’s going to pick up a special kind of glue at Lowe’s for the finishing touches of the soundproofing drape or cocoon or whatever you want to call it. Again, even if the Bose had been comfortable enough to sleep with (they’re slightly too big for me), they do a great job masking high-frequency sounds but nothing to mask lower ones like the hum of an air conditioner, traffic, snoring, etc.

Not sure if I’m going to work on my story tonight but I’m still enjoying Slasher even though the producer obviously went out of their way to do everything to make non-whites look good and whites look bad. Typical of today to make whites look like evil haters when more of them hate us these days than we hate them.

Proud of myself for continuing to learn to cook, even if they’re relatively simple things that anyone could make. I’m keeping away from the more intricate dishes like casseroles and things like that.

I sauteed mushrooms in margarine, onions, a touch of garlic salt, and some Worcester sauce. Went great with my tilapia. :)

Got sunflower butter for the first time and it’s pretty weird. Tom even tried it, too. It looks like peanut butter but it’s runny. Although it’s a thick glob, you could pour it out of its jar as I did into my smoothie. I love sunflower seeds but I’m not sure I like this. I’m just weird like that. Love tomatoes, but hate tomato soup. Love OJ, but can’t stand oranges or anything that smells orangy.

Adding a bit of carbs to my diet is helping with hunger.

So glad we’re finally hitting the 90s! Should warm up the pool nicely. :) Just disappointed that the warmer weather isn’t canceling out the planes like it does the freeway. It’s better than when it’s cooler and windy but still not like it was before last fall when only small planes and helicopters were annoying.

[pwblogarchive]

December 2004

December 2, 2004

“I Cant Sleep Easy Knowing Theres Someone Out There Thinking Or Not Thinking About Me” plane.pillstosleep.dream.drinkstowakeup.amilyingtomyself.isitgettingsomuchbetterorsomuchworse.imsofullofmyselfithinkimightspilloverbutatthesametimeicantstandwalkingpastmirrors.

come here and see how it really goes:

http://www.mtvu.com/contests/fall_out_boy/

p

December 5, 2004

“you are a stone fox.”

for serious. its been since like always.

its like something bigger than cool the way i can think for hours about the space between your ankle and your knee. how its just carbon molocules but how come they come together just like that.

its so simple. it slows me down. when my eyes roll underneath the lids it feels like they are running you over carbon paper so they won't forget. at the same time it just gets me going. like the way my heart beats so hard that i'm pretty sure it makes you laugh that you can get me that on edge.

it even hits me in the back of my legs.

and keeps me up at night.

ive been recording bass tracks, the record is starting to really come together- some song names: "the hand of god (worldcup 1986), i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your fucking mouth" and some others- the guys from finch stopped by- we never met them but they seemed pretty rad. i would recommend checking out there new record.

if you're in california, i will be at the chain reaction on december 7 watching gym class heroes tear it up. come by and hang out with me.

i really like these guys

fall asleep to the song: somewhatlikeawayout.

it will make you feel better.

i couldn't be more content. we'll be hanging around southern california- maybe we could even meet up and exchange compliments and high-fives!

peter

oh yeah alot of you have been asking about "the boy"-- and i guess that was just kind of an introduction to these nightmares i used to have in my head. i have about 70 more pages written that fill in the gaps and all, i'm not sure if it will ever be released maybe in another book or just on the internet- only if i can have the same art drawn for it. either way that was only the beginning of the story.

December 9, 2004

“You Know The Type, Loud As A Motorbike.”

good spirits everywhere. i woke up smiling this morning. andy flew home and is doing whatever people do in wisconsin. joe order dominos hot wings multiple times a day and wears a green john deer hat- i think his new best friend is knights of the old republic. patrick downloads music that makes me laugh, me and him are the ultimate odd couple- (see also: me waking him up at 3 in the morning to ask him not to think of white elephants). korean tom cruise gets paid to sit on the internet and croquet tech me and hot wing tech joe. i am currently the worlds worst roomate, worlds best croquet player, and dying for the lemony snickett movie to come out. and your best kept secret.

if you like contests or Sno-quet: whoomp there it is [link to http://www.fueledbyramen.com/clan.php ] 

r.i.p. dimebag

December 10, 2004

los angeles is funny but not like laughing, more like lonely.

we crashed some hilarious spin magazine party with the all american rejects.

it was full of bad hair cuts and worse tattoos. it made me glad to be from a small town but at the same time intrigued enough to watch it all go down.

me and lindsay lohan are sick of the gossip and scandals.

- petey

December 12, 2004

urgent update: life aquatic is the best movie of the year.

watch it. change the way you think.

- petey

December 14, 2004

my parents just left. its weird. i was homesick and then home came to me. but now i think i'm gonna feel worse with them being gone. i feel like i'd be so lost without them. it kind of makes my lungs feel too small when i think about life without them. i've been thinking alot about life lately and just all of the mistakes i've collected over the years. just how i'm so sick of falling back on them. i dropped my flaws in the mail with no return address. go easy. i'm gonna try and do it right this time. i think i like this music for real: www.christopherstrange.com -

okay so ive read some pretty hilarious things on the internet about us- actually made me fall out of my seat laughing. so i want to play a game with you. if you read this and have ever wondered anything about fall out boy or any of us, post it on our messageboard under a post called: twenty questions. and i will get them answered for you. no mean or stupid ones are getting answered (ie, why is pete so gay or how come patricks voice is so good), anything else is game. when it hits twenty good ones i will answer them in here.

- petey

12/14/04 Q&A

If you were handed a camera and were allowed to take only four pictures. What are the four pictures that you would take?

Patrick, joe, andy, and Korean tomcruise. Who am I kidding I couldn’t resist taking a hilarious pic of someones ass or dick. Probably my family, dogs, band, and maybe my room so I don’t forget anything ever. Good question.

1.5. What’s the best and worst thing about touring and being on the road?

summer. I want to answer this one cause you’re my buddy. But Patrick reminded me we answer it in interviews too much. So, im just saying hi instead. Haha.

Ive always wanted to know… what band changed/saved your life and how?

Minor threat first saved my life in the summer after my freshman year in highscool. All my friends were trashed all the time and that band let me know it was okay to not be like that. The next band to do that was unbroken- check out the record “life, love, regret” it got me through some of the worst nights I have ever had and introduced me to Morrissey. The last band to make me feel like that was saves the day- through being cool was like an anthem I would blast in my ears and hope everyone would just leave me alone. Ultimately it is fall out boy that saved my life. Doing this thing makes me feel alive in a way that I could never explain.

Oh n this is dumb but how would you guys feel if a fan had killed themselves to your music?… I know its not “depressing” or anything but these things could happen.

I would feel badly if anyone killed themselves to any music- because I know what its like to feel that alone and it is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. We have a line in a new song- “im sick of only writing songs for you to slit your wrists to”. We need to try and see another side of life.

how do you pronounce the word “alley” (spell phonetically)?

I don’t know how to write it phonetically. I say it like an asshole from the Midwest.

what have you been reading recently?

I just read this weird version of a bunch of poe stuff. Ive been reading a lot of Camus, I just finished the stranger, which is an amazing book. If I had to recommend a book it would still be “the heart is deceitful above all other things” by jt Leroy.

What in your life gives you the strength to keep following your dreams? (Especially when you were starting out and you had to deal with the people who were telling you it couldn’t be done.)

I don’t have anything else going for me. I don’t really ever think about what other people have to say about me- cause its usually either really good or really bad for all of the wrong reasons. It can blow up your head or sink your ego like a stone if you pay too much attention to it.

If you were stuck on a deserted island and could have only 1 book, 1 photograph, and 1 CD, what would they be and why?

Id take a blank notebook as my book to write in, a photograph of my family from way back before I was this weird, and Morrissey “viva hate”

Do you ever sick sick of waking up knowing that you have to be in the public eye? Is it weird to think that you have such a high influence on so many kids?

Yes. Its scary sometimes- I just think about the way things get picked apart and if im having a bad day I can come off as one of the worst people. I don’t really want to ruin someone else’s life, im having too much fun ruining my own (note that sarcasm doesn’t come through on the internet) but yes it’s very weird to go from noone caring who you are to people wanting to know your every move.

Do you like being from a small town?and Why?

I love it. It gives me perspective- I think if we weren’t from a small town we wouldn’t have wanted “this” so badly. We wanted to break out so badly, to not marry the head cheerleader and mow our 15x 25 plots of grass- like so many kids from my highschool turned out.

With all of the people who feel like they know you, through your music, your journals, and meeting you, do you ever feel exposed or like not much of your life is exclusively yours?

Yes. But I also feel an obligation to be honest with people that are friends and fans. I want to show everyone what this process is like- so that’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.

if you could bring someone back from the dead for a day, who would it be, why, and what would you do all day?

My aunt. So she and my mom could hang out all day.

Why does your ‘mom’ think you are over stimulated?

Haha. Because she thinks im weird and jumpy.

12.5 favourite porn film? and does it contain goat sex?

Favorite, come on be awesome like us yanks.

Do you preheat the oven? (Although this seems like a stupid question, it isn’t.. or maybe it is. It doesn’t matter.)

Is this question about sex?

You guys will be huge one day, and most likely get tons of play on MTV. How will you (or do you) prepare yourself for such stardom? And how will you react when you find out that kids are going around pulling grass out of your parent’s yard exclaiming “OMG! Pete totally mowed this yard when he was younger! He so walked on this sidewalk!! Oh my god, I think I’m gonna die!”

I never mowed the lawn, who told you that dirty lie.

What inspired the best song you ever wrote?

The biggest liar I have ever met.

What is the single most beautiful thing you’ve ever witnessed in your life?

One time a long time ago I woke up next to this girl and she was breathing perfect and her hair fell over her eyes just right- and then a second later she was just a girl again. Its kind of weird how we can all have these beautiful moments.

16.5 Pete, ask Patrick if I can pump his gas.

Hahaha.

If my cat is pregnant again, do you want a kitten?

I gotta say im a dog person. Also, I cant even take care of a plant- I hate to see how bad I was at taking care of an animal.

If you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, who would it be and why?

Walking is for suckers.

what was the best christmas gift you ever received

one time my friend made a quilt for me out of all my old hardcore shirts. Its pretty awesome.

best gift you ever got for someone else?

One time I tricked a doctor into giving me an MRI and then I framed it and gave it to my friend, so they could have my insides.

Why shouldn’t Patrick think of white elephants?

Psychologists use this to study people. If you tell someone not to think of a white elephant, usually that’s all they can think of- now that you know the trick it wont work.

What do you think of the FOB board/boardies?

The ones I have met I like.

In The Boy With the Thorn in his Side, does the boy represent you?

I think it would be stupid to say that I didn’t write from somewhere inside me. I think he has pretty good intentions but is a pretty messed up guy- so I like to think he is inside a bunch of us.

Do you read the board on a daily basis? on that note If a boardie were to come up to you and say “hey i’m so and so from the board” would be able to recognize the sn?

Possibly. Its happened before. I definitely remember faces better than names.

What is your greatest accomplishment other than “Fall Out Boy”?

Being an allstate soccer player. Making it to age 25 and not be dead or in jail.

25.5 When are you going to write a Hanukkah song? I mean, we all love “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out”, but what about all the snazzy Jews out there? They need a holiday song, too.

Jews are snazzy, 4 out of 5 joes agree.

Do you prefer corn or green beans?

Are you kidding me. Corn.

when you were writing “nobody puts baby in the corner” what were you thinking about at the time? as a whole band how did everyone re-act to the lyrics?

I was thinking that I thought I had kind of come to terms with how I felt about someone and resolved my feelings when we wrote take this to your grave. But they just wouldn’t go away inside my head. And at the same time I guess, just how the people who hurt us are often just so irresistible that we keep going back. The line “can I lay in your bed all day and be your best kept secret and your worst mistake”- was actually something I said to someone and then wrote down as I lay in their bed and waited for them to come home. The band kind of lets me go wild with lyrics, on this song they could tell it was pretty angry- I guess. We get asked a lot if we are mysognists because of this song I think, but I want to put it on the table: you’re getting it wrong, we don’t hate girls, we hate everyone.

What are some of your favourite authors and books written by them?

Chuck palahnuik, jt Leroy, Sharon olds, rohl dahl, albert camus, sorry for the misspellings and the lack of titles. I promise I will get back to this one, I think its important.

Are you going to play “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” at the Christmas shows? I’ll bring you cookies if you do!

Yes.

Who makes you want to “la la”?

Haha there are definitely a couple of people. Ashlee in the parking lot in the video definitely makes me want to lala- quinn from the used makes me want to lala- wait that’s a dude. Shoot.

What is the biggest misconception people have of Fall Out Boy?

I wish people could follow us around and see how it really goes. I don’t sleep with every single girl I talk to, we don’t talk shit on bands, we just have weird senses of humor, sean o’keefe didn’t write our last record, we don’t always get to pick where we tour or who we tour with, yes, patricks voice is really that good naturally, we’re not as big assholes as you read online- we’re pretty nice for the most part, if not alittle bit shy. Mostly we like to goof around with people.

Would you rather, stay at the level you are now…or become as huge as Blink182 or Good Charlotte?

I think you can do both like the cure did. I want as many people as possible to hear our music at the same time we will never compromise what we believe in or what we say.

If you could have on animal constructed out of duct tape, what would it be…and why?

Ah a sea lion.

Whos your favorite story book character?

Ferdinand the gentle bull, or max from where the wild things are, willy wonka.

Does it bother you how people act like they really know you just because they’ve met you one time? Or that tons of prepubescent girls/boys want to trap you in a dark alley and molest you?

Yes and no. I love meeting new people and have definitely been on that end of things where I wanted to know everything about someone and feel like I knew them. I feel like you can get to know us through our songs and seeing us at shows. And I think that we have met many people that I consider friends in our travels. At the same time it bothers me when people use it like “I know pete, blah are I the coolest”- trust me none of those people really know anyone. They are scared. Call their bluff. dark alley- very funny.

December 28, 2004

“A.W.S.E.M.E.-O”

Drove on christmas day. The shows have been lovely so far. I got my hair dyed my hair its red and black. You maybe hate it. But I’m weird so it doesn’t matter. I love playing shows again. This means so much to us.

I won’t bore you with anymore… But if you come early to the shows please dress warmly and bring blankets and mittens. I don’t want anyone getting sick or feeling miserable.

P

December 31, 2004

so to whoever egged our van last week. my dog marley ate all the eggs on the front lawn and got salmonella poisoning.

congratulations.

you fucking rule.

if my dog dies i'm going to punch you in the face.

- petey

December 31, 2004

“Happy New Year.”

dear everyone: thanks for an amazing 5 days. the party that ended it was too sickfor words. flava flav showed up and sang “911 is a joke”. i’d spill it all. but thats just not my style.

xxoo. find some lips for midnight and get some.

or not.

peter