#(it’s actually not that surprising. joel barely has enough energy to keep up with one feral teen lesbian)

[outer-edges]

any other writers out there just clinically unable to help themselves from crossing their own OCs over with their little obsessions at the time. every time i get into something new it’s like…ah…yes…time for you to meet my original blorbo

[storytellerofuntoldlegends]

tangle up the true and the fable

A/N: empires!scott and empires!jimmy have hella enemies to lovers vibes. so take enemies to hey-wait-were-we-lovers-in-a-past-life to friends. also joel and lizzie make a cameo appearance. title is from Rose by The Oh Hellos! (also reblogs > likes)

Warnings: arguing, death mention, flirting, cave-ins, cave spiders, injury, vague description of cave spider venom effects, nonchalant talk of the minecraft respawn mechanic, near death experiences, explosions, talk of past/alternate lives, angst with a happy ending, hopeful ending

Summary: Jimmy doesn't understand why the ruler of Rivendell doesn't seem to like him. He supposes that going on a mining trip in Scott's mountains without asking permission doesn't exactly help matters much though. But when the two of them end up trapped in the caves, will they be able to set aside their differences to survive?

-

Jimmy should really start thinking before he did things. Like stealing- ahem. Borrowing some cake ingredients from Sausage, which in turn caused him to steal Jimmy's prized music disc. Or whatever was the deal with the Rivendell ruler, Scott. Jimmy wasn't sure what exactly he did to get on the elf's bad side, but Scott didn't seem to like him very much. Well... at least sometimes he seemed to hate Jimmy. Sometimes it seemed like... something else. Jimmy couldn't quite place it- maybe he did want to be best friends after all? But whatever the case, things were always a little tense between the rulers of the Cod Empire and Rivendell. And it seemed today was no exception.

He was in dire need of more materials, and the swamp wasn't very rich in caves. And Jimmy had already explored most of the caves in his empire. So while he couldn't entirely rationalize why, he decided to go on a trip to the mountains to gather materials. It was a stupid idea, going near the empire of someone who possibly hated him, but part of him hoped that he would see Scott. Maybe he could work out some sort of alliance instead of their squabbling and occasional attempts to kill each other. Besides, he wasn't going to the actual mountain Scott lived on, just the ones near his mountain. Surely that’d be far enough to not anger him, but close enough to suggest an amicable atmosphere? Right?

Wrong. Very, very wrong. Jimmy had barely gotten deep in a cave in the mountains when Scott appeared, like he had some sort of “Jimmy-being-an-idiot” sixth sense. The elf admittedly was an imposing sight- enchanted diamond armor, an enchanted diamond axe strapped to his back, arms crossed over his chest, a golden circlet with antlers branching up from it, and blue eyes glinting with irritation. Those eyes seemed to see right through Jimmy, scrutinizing and seeing him for who he truly was. Not the Codfather, a strong leader- but a swamp boy whose sweet intentions got him into trouble more often than not.

“What are you doing here?” Scott asked, voice cold and unimpressed. Jimmy frowned at the elf’s tone.

“Mining,” Jimmy said simply, crossing his arms right back at Scott. He rolled his eyes in response.

“Obviously, but why are you doing so in my empire?” Scott asked pointedly.

“I’m not mining in your mountain though!” Jimmy protested, a little confused at Scott’s irritation. Scott let out a sound that was halfway between a sigh and a groan, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache coming on.

“Jimmy. All the mountains around here are mine,” Scott said bluntly, dropping his hand to glare at Jimmy. Well now he felt a little sheepish. But still, he didn’t understand why Scott had to get all irritated about it, maybe they could work something out. Jimmy took on an easygoing smile, causing Scott to knit his brows in confusion.

“I know I shouldn’t have been here, and I didn’t realize this mountain was part of your empire. If you want the materials I gathered, I’m more than willing to-”

“Oh, sorry about that, buddy! Tell you what, I’ll give you-”

“I’m not your buddy,” Scott said, cutting Jimmy off and causing his easy smile to melt away near instantly. Jimmy sighed.

“I don’t want anything from you, I just want you to leave,” Scott said, interrupting Jimmy again, and honestly it was getting pretty hard for Jimmy to continue being amicable if Scott was going to be like this for the whole conversation.

“Fine! I was only trying to come to a peaceful resolution here, no need to be a jerk like always,” Jimmy huffed, slinging his pickaxe over his shoulder and starting to head out of the cave. Scott made an irritated sound, quickly following after him.

“Oh, I’m sorry for being mean when you’re the one who showed up in my empire unannounced and unwanted!” Scott fumed, hands gesturing wildly as he kept up with Jimmy’s brisk pace.

“Like I said, didn’t realize this was part of your empire. And I’m leaving now, so you can stop following me,” Jimmy huffed. Scott stopped to stare at him incredulously, and Jimmy paused as well to raise an eyebrow at him.

“This cave only has one exit, you idiot. We both have to go this way,” Scott pointed out with a scoff. Jimmy made a frustrated sound, and was about to make a retort- but heard a hiss and saw a green shape ambling towards them from an unlit portion of the cave. Jimmy didn’t have time to draw his sword, and Scott was too busy glaring at Jimmy to notice the creeper heading towards them. So in a split-second decision, Jimmy tackled Scott to the ground right before the creeper exploded and caused a chunk of the cave to crumble down right where the two of them had been standing. Debris showered over the two of them, and Jimmy instinctively shielded Scott from it, even though he had been shouting at the elf mere moments prior. The dust settled, and it was then he realized how close he and Scott were, their noses practically touching.

“You alright?” Jimmy asked, surprising himself with how soft and concerned his voice came out. Scott looked at him with wide eyes and an almost flustered expression, until he schooled it down into smooth indifference.

“You’re supposed to take me to dinner before you pin me like that,” Scott teased with a smirk. Jimmy rolled his eyes, getting up off of Scott before offering a hand to help him up.

“I think you’re supposed to thank me for saving your life,” Jimmy shot back. Scott scowled at him, ignoring the offered hand and getting to his feet on his own, brushing the dirt off of his clothes.

“Thank you for what? Tackling me and giving me a near concussion? Or the fact that we’re now both stuck here?” Scott asked, gesturing at the cave-in. Following the direction of Scott’s hand, Jimmy looked to the cave opening. Or rather, the lack of a cave opening. The creeper explosion must have hit some loose gravel in the ceiling, because the weak rock had given way to a whole mess of stone to fall and block off their only exit.

“Maybe we could dig through it?” Jimmy wondered. Scott rolled his eyes.

“With your luck, that would only make it worse. Besides I didn’t bring a pickaxe, and I don’t think you could dig that out by yourself. We’re just gonna have to turn around and hope there’s another way out,” Scott said, turning and heading deeper in the cave. Jimmy scrambled after him in protest.

“Or we could stay here and call for help! I’m sure one of my allies would be willing to help me, or maybe you’ve got a closer ally who’d be willing to dig us out-”

“No. We’re better off trying to find our own way out. Besides, I don’t have allies- having alliances means having enemies too, and I’d much rather stay above the conflict if you don’t mind,” Scott said, stubbornly continuing forward. Jimmy groaned, reluctantly following after Scott.

“Fine, have it your way. But you let me know when you change your mind,” Jimmy said, not having the energy to argue with Scott’s weird animosity towards alliances. So instead, he followed his not-really-enemy but not-really-friend either deeper into the darkness, torchlight their only savior.

-

Going deeper into the cave was not providing them with a way out. They did, however, come across a mineshaft- which was a small but still not great shimmering light of hope. It was possible the mineshaft could be connected to another cave that could lead them out, so braving the mineshaft it was. Besides, there could be good loot to be had- even if Scott claimed most of it since it was, technically, part of his empire. And that was fine with Jimmy, he was trying to offer what he had found to Scott earlier anway. However, there was one problem with mineshafts, and that was the tendency of cave spiders making their nests in them. And it figures with Jimmy’s rotten luck that they would come across one of those nests. And even worse, Jimmy managed to get a hand caught in one of the webs at the edge of it.

“Stop struggling, you’re just gonna alert them that we’re here!” Scott hissed, trying to cut away at the cobwebs ensnaring Jimmy’s hand.

“If you cut at it any slower, they’re just gonna see us anyway!” Jimmy whisper-shouted back, but kept his hand still as Scott asked anyhow. But of course, as if things couldn’t get any worse, one of the cave spiders had noticed them. It jumped at Jimmy, but Scott moved in front of him just in time to intercept it instead, and struggled only for a moment before he managed to kill it. Scott was hunched over for a moment, trying to catch his breath- and despite his warnings not to, Jimmy yanked his hand free from the cobwebs to rush to his side, seeing the glittering red eyes in the distance. He opened his mouth to ask if Scott was alright, but he abruptly stood upright and pushed Jimmy towards a corridor of the mineshaft that was not infested with cave spiders.

“Go, we gotta get out of here!” he cried, running and pulling Jimmy along with him. Jimmy didn’t argue, keeping pace with Scott and cutting down a few cave spiders that got too close. They ran and turned down corridor after corridor, until they were sure that the spiders had lost interest. They stopped for a moment to catch their breath, and Jimmy eyed Scott with concern. He was holding his shoulder and looked rather pale- well, paler than usual.

“Scott?” Jimmy asked, voice gentle. Scott squeezed his eyes shut, like Jimmy had spoken too loudly, and took a beat longer to respond than Jimmy would have liked.

“I’m fine,” Scott said, not very convincingly at all. Jimmy frowned, stepping forward and reaching for the hand Scott had clasped tightly over his own shoulder. Jimmy instantly knew something was wrong when Scott didn’t push him away and let him remove his hand. Scott’s hand came away slick with blood, and Jimmy hissed in sympathy at the sickly green state of the wound. Cave spider bite, right in the gap of Scott’s armor. And it seemed the venom was working pretty fast through his system. Suddenly, as if taking his hand off of his shoulder had sapped all his energy, Scott’s knees gave out and he collapsed into Jimmy. With a startled gasp, Jimmy managed to catch Scott, wrapping his free arm around his waist and trying to keep him somewhat upright. His hand still clutched Scott’s, and his hand had shifted to clutch Jimmy’s back just as tightly. His head drooped down to rest on Jimmy’s shoulder, the antlers of his circlet poking him slightly, and a cold spike of fear shot through Jimmy at how feverish Scott’s forehead felt against his neck. Scott had only just been bitten. If he was in such bad shape already… Jimmy didn’t want to think about it.

“You’re hot,” Jimmy blurted, a little horrified. Scott let out a borderline delirious chuckle.

“Took you long enough to notice,” Scott teased, voice weak with pain. Jimmy let out a startled laugh.

“Scott, quit flirting for one minute, you’re dying,” Jimmy reprimanded, a little shocked at how wobbly his own voice sounded.

“I’ll just respawn, it’s not the end of the world. Nice to know you care though,” Scott said tiredly, although Jimmy could hear the slight smile in his voice. Jimmy froze a bit at his words. Yeah… that was right, Scott would just respawn. He’d lose his stuff and his enchantment levels, but he’d wake up in bed, right as rain. So why was Jimmy so worried for a moment? Why did Scott dying in his arms suddenly feel like the end of the world? And most baffling of all, why did the thought of losing someone who was at most an acquaintance rattle him so much? Yet here he was, clinging to Scott like he would disappear forever.

“I… of course I care! You’re the one who’s pushing me away, not the other way around,” Jimmy said, deciding not to address the fact that he had somehow forgotten about respawning being a thing. Scott laughed humorlessly, and him not having any sort of witty response was extremely telling of how worse off Scott was doing. He had been leaning into Jimmy more and more throughout the weak banter, and Jimmy finally knelt down and shifted Scott to be comfortably resting in his lap, his head still leaning on his shoulder, but turned so that Jimmy could see him.

“Your face makes for a pretty last thing to see before I die,” Scott said softly, and Jimmy blinked in surprise, unsure of how to take that.

“Didn’t realize a side effect of cave spider venom was delirium,” Jimmy settled on, causing Scott to let out a pained wheeze of a laugh.

“Think the side effect is actually brutal honesty,” Scott said, sounding a little wistful. Okay, well Jimmy really didn’t know how to respond to that. Scott, dying in his arms and looking at him all soft and adoring like Jimmy was a- a lover or something. So maybe it was that gentle look in Scott’s eyes even as he was dying, or Jimmy not wanting to deal with the blood of a fellow ruler on his hands, or just not wanting to watch someone die in general that caused him to shift and reach for something in his bag he had found in their journey through the mineshaft. He held out a golden apple to Scott, who looked at it with confusion.

“Nabbed it from a chest when you weren’t looking. I know you’ll just respawn, but cave spider venom is a pretty terrible way to go,” Jimmy said, smiling softly. Scott just blinked, not moving to take the apple.

“Jimmy-”

“Shut up and take the apple, Scott,” Jimmy insisted, for once cutting Scott off instead of the other way around. Scott sighed, and with a shaking hand, he grabbed the apple and took a bite. Almost immediately, color came back to Scott’s face and the green started to recede from the shoulder wound. A few more bites, and the bleeding stopped, the wound started closing up, and Scott was no longer leaning on Jimmy so heavily. He did, however, seem perfectly content to stay in Jimmy’s arms. Jimmy couldn’t really find it in himself to detach himself from Scott either.

“Thanks,” Scott said softly, like he was afraid to say it, after he had finished the apple. Jimmy chuckled.

“I should be thanking you, you’re the one who threw yourself between me and that cave spider,” Jimmy said, immensely glad that he remembered finding the golden apple before it was too late. Otherwise Scott, who usually didn’t seem to like him, would have died because of Jimmy.

“You saved me from the creeper earlier, I was just repaying the favor. Of course now I owe you again, because you healed me,” Scott said with a mock irritated tone, grinning all the while. Jimmy unceremoniously dumped him on the cave floor for that, ignoring his startled shout of protest to instead stand up.

“Well, maybe you could repay me by finally letting me contact one of my allies to help us,” Jimmy replied with a grin of his own. Scott pouted a little, still grumpy about being forcibly moved off of Jimmy’s lap.

“That was rude, I’m still recovering! Jerk,” Scott huffed, but there was no true anger in his tone. Jimmy shook his head fondly, offering a hand to Scott. He took it, and only stumbled a little bit as he got back to his feet. Fortunately Jimmy was there to steady him, ignoring the “I-told-you-so” look Scott gave him.

“You’ll live, thanks to me. Now can I message for help so that we can get out of here?” Jimmy asked. Scott let out a dramatic sigh.

“I guess so. Give them the coordinates for the cave entrance, we can head back in that direction and meet them halfway,” Scott said. Jimmy nodded, getting out his communicator to send a message to Joel.

“Yeah, I don’t wanna stay in this mineshaft any longer than we have to,” Jimmy said as he typed. Scott hovered over his shoulder, correcting Jimmy on the coordinate numbers before he sent the message off to Joel. Luckily, Joel wasn’t busy and responded fairly quickly, saying that he was on his way.

“Ready to get out of here?” Scott asked, once Jimmy had read Joel’s message to him.

“Absolutely,” Jimmy said, pocketing his communicator and walking side by side with Scott.

-

They reached the cave-in before Joel had arrived, but they didn’t have to wait too long before they heard Joel calling out for them. It seemed Lizzie had come along as well, as Jimmy could hear her voice along with Joel’s. He was a little surprised to hear her, as Jimmy wasn’t officially allied with Lizzie, but he supposed it made sense. Lizzie was married to Joel, and Lizzie’s empire was connected to Jimmy’s by water.

“We’re here!” Jimmy called back.

“Oh good, you didn’t kill each other,” Joel called back, a smile in his voice. Jimmy rolled his eyes, even if Joel couldn’t see him.

“I’ll have you know I saved Scott twice in these caves,” Jimmy shot back with a grin. Scott groaned in annoyance.

“You’re gonna hold this over my head, aren’t you,” Scott grumbled.

“Only a little bit,” Jimmy replied, relieved when Scott wasn’t actually all that annoyed, due to the chuckle he got in response.

“Stand back boys, I’ve got TNT!” Lizzie exclaimed, breaking the moment of banter. Scott and Jimmy exchanged wide-eyed glances, scrambling away from the rubble.

“Uh… you do know that explosions are what got us into this mess in the first place, right?” Scott asked nervously.

“It’ll be faster than trying to dig you out,” Joel replied, before the click of a flint and steel was heard.

“Does it alarm you at all that they have TNT already?” Scott whispered.

“They’re my allies. Or at least Joel is. Not sure why Lizzie came along, actually,” Jimmy replied with a shrug. Before Scott could reply, the TNT went off, destroying the rubble and revealing Joel and Lizzie on the other side.

“When I heard Joel was off to rescue the sweet swamp boy, I had to come along!” Lizzie said with a grin, poking her head through the hole in the rubble. Jimmy’s face flushed in embarrassment at the nickname, while Scott was poorly hiding his laugh behind a cough.

“She was with me when I got your message, I figured the extra help couldn’t hurt,” Joel explained.

“Well thank you, both of you. We really appreciate it,” Jimmy said, climbing out of the hole in the rubble with Lizzie’s help.

“You’re welcome! Although it sounds like you had the rescuing Scott part handled,” she teased with a wink.

“Hey! The only reason he saved me the second time was because I got bit by a cave spider that was coming for him. So I did some saving too,” Scott protested as he followed Jimmy out. Joel looked to Scott with concern.

“Do you need any health potions? I brought some just in case,” Joel offered, starting to dig through his pack.

“Nah, Jimmy gave me a golden apple that he stole from me,” Scott said, nudging Jimmy playfully. Jimmy laughed, pushing at him back.

“I didn’t steal it, I just took it from a minecart chest before you noticed it,” Jimmy retorted.

“A minecart chest that was in my empire,” Scott shot back with a grin. Jimmy was going to snap back, but Lizzie came to stand in between them.

“How about we leave before any more near death situations happen,” she suggested. Both Jimmy and Scott smiled sheepishly, before following Lizzie and Joel out of the cave.

-

The four of them had made it back to Scott’s home, with plenty of daylight to spare for the long journey Jimmy, Lizzie, and Joel had ahead of them to their own empires. Jimmy had told Joel and Lizzie to go on, saying that he would catch up with them in a bit. He wanted to talk to Scott first. About what, he wasn’t entirely certain, but he felt like he couldn’t just up and leave right away without saying something, not after everything that had happened. But for the moment, the two of them were stood in the entryway of Scott’s house a little awkwardly. Scott’s home was bigger than the last time Jimmy had seen it, but part of him was touched to see that he still had the pufferfish- rather the pufferish- mounted above his door. Jimmy wasn’t exactly sure why he had given Scott a misspelled token of peace, but it had just felt… right.

“So… have you changed your mind on alliances at all?” Jimmy asked, settling on teasing Scott a bit instead of tackling any sort of emotional conversation right away. Scott let out a mildly bitter laugh.

“I… will admit that there are advantages to having alliances. And you, Lizzie, and Joel seem alright. I just… well, if I’m being totally honest, I’m not really opposed to alliances… it’s just- it’s like there’s this part of me, maybe something from a past life, that knows that getting tangled up in alliances can lead to war and loss,” Scott said, heartbreak lacing his words. Jimmy frowned in sympathy. He didn’t know what Scott had been through before starting an empire, but it sounded like it was nothing fun. He put a comforting hand on Scott’s shoulder- and was instantly greeted with a flurry of images both familiar and unfamiliar. A flower forest. Homes carved into hills. Decaying skin and burnt banners. Flowers nestled in teal hair. Being helpless to watch as a loved one- a husband?- was shot down. Darkness, then light again. Then a feeling of home, and a joyful reunion.

Jimmy jerked back from Scott like had been burned. The real world filtered back into view with Scott wide-eyed and surprised as Jimmy was. What- what was that? They felt like memories, or maybe a dream. And the person with teal hair, the husband?! That was undeniably Scott, just far less regal and with rounded ears, not pointed ones. Jimmy wasn’t sure what that was, but suddenly the fear of losing Scott in the mineshaft made a startling amount of sense.

“Did you… see that?” Jimmy asked. Maybe he was hallucinating, did he get bit by a cave spider too? Maybe this was all some weird fever dream.

“I- yeah. I was kind of kidding about the past life thing… but was that even us? Or just… I dunno, a version of us from an alternate reality?” Scott pondered, looking like his brain was going a mile a minute. Jimmy found himself looking at the pufferish of peace. Was that something significant in that… other life? Or was that truly something of his own volition?

“Must be some sort of alternate reality, I think we were married,” Jimmy said with a laugh. Scott laughed as well, shaking his head.

“Yeah, can you imagine? Why would I marry some swamp boy?” Scott teased.

“And why would I marry a stuffy elf ruler?” Jimmy teased right back. The two of them laughed, but there was regret and maybe a smidge of longing tinged in both of their voices.

“I think I could at least stand being allied with some swamp boy,” Scott said softly, after a moment of silence. Jimmy smiled.

“Allies it is then,” Jimmy said, holding out his hand. Scott gingerly took it, and when there weren't any flashes of alternate or past lives, he shook it firmly.

“Allies,” Scott said, squeezing Jimmy’s hand before letting go. Jimmy bid him goodbye, exiting his home to meet up with Lizzie and Joel. And maybe, just maybe, Jimmy allowed himself to treasure the little flutter his heart made when Scott had squeezed his hand. He was sure his past- or alternate, who knows- self would appreciate it.

-

MCYT Tag List (ask to be added/removed!): @corazon10000 @damiensaidno @franticfandomfanatic @hetapeep41 @space-ace123

[the-gedonelune-times]

Miracle

It’s been a little while since I’ve uploaded a story and yes, I’m back at it again with some more OC intro content. This will be the first of a couple stories I’ll be trying to post today. This story in particular will be featuring a different kind of intro, starring MC as the one to come into contact and unlock a very special secret about the new OC Lily!

Ugh, where am I? Why does my head hurt and my body feel so heavy? I’ve been sleeping for so long, are my dreams finally over? Will I be awake soon?

A pair of eyes fluttered open, taking in the scenery around them. Lying in a small bed of flowers was a figure who had just woke up after years of being in a dream-like stasis. They were still unable to move, but a smile formed on their lips as they looked at the sky.

“How beautiful…” They murmured. “Oh, how I wish I could touch it with my own two hands.”

The figure smiled before closing their eyes; a gentle breeze passing by as they found themselves staring off into the sky above them, their exhaustion slowly diminishing as the minutes passed by.

----------------------

“Luca, I told you once and I’ll tell you again. If you’re not going to help us, then get out!”

“Oh come on, it was nothing that bad!”

“You literally just pulled an invisible ink prank on Zeus and now he’s stomping around in the halls like some crazed lunatic because he thinks his face is still the shade of a blueberry.” Joel commented.

“Oh yeah/” Luca laughed. “His reaction was priceless.”

“This is going to spell trouble for the Night Class.” Liz sighed while setting her planner aside.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Gray and Clive have told me that when Zeus gets upset, then the classes he teaches ends up being a total nightmare for them.”

“Nice job Luca.” Elias scoffed.

“Why thank you, Prince Elias. Your compliment has made my heart flutter.”

“That wasn’t a compliment, you idiot!”

“That’s enough!”

With a shout and a slam of her planner against the desk that she was working at, Liz glared at the two of them, silencing them both almost immediately.

“Good. Now aside from that, have there been any more reports on the recent incidents?”

“You mean regarding the new magical creature? No, not a thing.”

“I overheard Schuyler mention something interesting yesterday while I was taking Seth on a walk around the Academy.” Yukiya spoke up.

“Huh? You didn’t think to tell us sooner? Do tell!” Luca sat down and smiled coyly.

“I’m not sure who he was talking to, but he said there’s been an influx of magical energy from the Northern Forest where the Winged Rabbits are. He’s not sure if this poses a threat to us yet but that he’d been keeping an eye on it.”

“I hope it doesn’t turn out to be anything serious.” 

“Nor do I. I’d like to have one normal day of class, thank you very much.” Elias huffed.

“When has anything been normal around here though?” Liz smiled.

“She’s right, you know.” 

Elias just sighed and took a sip of his tea from the teacup near his seat. “Honestly though, I wonder if this influx of magic that Yukiya just brought up, has anything to do with the magical creature everyone is talking about.”

Joel closed the book he had been reading and spoke up. “I was just thinking the same thing.”

“That actually might be possible. We still don’t know what kind of powers it has. That being said, we at least know that the creature itself doesn’t pose a threat to us.” Liz added.

“That’s true.”

A silence had crept in and took over the conversation, leaving them to all sit there in silence. Only the sound of the door opening after a few minutes, brought the room back to life.

“Wow, did we miss something?” 

“Alfonse?”

“The whole atmosphere seems off.”

Another voice entered and there in the doorway stood Alfonse and Caesar, each of them carrying a rather large box which they sat down in one of the corners of the room.

“I wouldn’t call it tense.” Elias replied. “Rather, we’re just doing some thinking.”

“Well, usually when things get quiet, it means that something might have happened, so I thought I’d ask.” Alfonse smiled while taking a seat. “So what is it that you’re all thinking about?”

“I’d like to know that as well.” Caesar spoke up while leaning against the wall.

“Yukiya overheard Schuyler talking and I guess there’s a pretty big influx of magic coming from the Northern Forest.”

“Seriously? Isn’t that where the Winged Rabbits reside?”

“Are they okay?”

“Yes, it seems like the magic isn’t giving off negative effects.”

“Strange. Do you know why it’s happening?” Alfonse asked curiously.

“Elias brought up the possibility of it being linked to the magical creature that everyone has been wanting to catch.” Liz answered.

Caesar nodded his head as he listened. “I can see that.”

“Well, as long as it’s not causing harm to the forest or the Academy, then I really don’t think we have anything to worry about.”

A few seconds after Alfonse spoke, a magic note came floating down in Liz’s hands. With a surprised look she opened it up and began reading the contents.

“Oh dear…”

“What is it?” Elias asked while walking over to peer at the note in her hands.

“It’s from Schuyler and it looks like he’s requesting that we go and investigate the Northern Forest and the surrounding area.”

“Talk about bad timing.” Luca chuckled.

Alfonse laughed. “Seriously!”

“Well, I guess this means we’re all going to have to go and investigate.”

“Hopefully it’ll just be us. I’d like to avoid having a headache if Zeus were to join. He’d most likely complain the whole time.”

“Why do I have to work with a bunch of dumb Day Classers?”

Luca mimicked Zeus and the room erupted in laughter. Once everyone had caught their breaths, they disbanded and started the investigation. Yukiya and Liz were put on a team that was decided at random before they left the room. However, Yukiya had to leave and go help calm Elias down from getting into a ‘fight’ with Luca.

Now it was just Liz as she treaded deeper into the forest. A small breeze blew past and rustled the leaves on the branches while the smell of sweet blooming flowers filled the air. All while small particles of light seemed to rain down from the tree-tops. The Northern Forest truly seemed like something out of a fairytale. As Liz continued her stroll, she saw something up ahead that caught her eye, and right away she knew something was up. A strong magical aura was surrounding whatever, or whoever, it was that was sitting on the ground.

Timidly, she inched closer until she could make out the figure more clearly, soon realizing that the figure was actually a...human? No...it couldn’t be. There, sitting in a small patch of flowers was a pale-skinned girl. She had flowy platinum-blonde hair the danced in the breeze and atop her head were a pair of small white almost glass looking horns. Behind her, a small white tail swished back and forth gently against the grass while a pair of wings, that glittered like fresh snow in the sunlight moved ever so slightly in the wind.

“No way..”

Realizing that the words had fallen out before she could even process it, Liz quickly covered her mouth with her hands and ducked behind the tree closest to her. She desperately hoped the being hadn’t seen her, but she knew that just couldn’t be the case.

“You can come out...I won’t hurt you.” 

A small timid almost sing-song voice called out and although Liz couldn’t see the expression on the person’s face, she thought they were smiling. With a deep breath, Liz moved away from her hiding spot and looked at the figure in front of her.

“You can come closer you know.” The young woman tilted her head to the side and smiled. “I promise I won’t bite.”

As Liz inched closer she noticed that woman had a small sleeping Winged Rabbit in her arms, stroking it’s fur ever so gently in an effort to not wake it.

“Who...are you? What are you doing here?” Liz asked.

“Hehe, I’m sorry, but unfortunately I can answer only one of those questions.” The woman smiled. “My name is Lily, it’s a pleasure to meet your acquaintance. I’m afraid I don’t know why I’m here. My memory is a little fuzzy and I can only remember vague pieces of the time before this. Ah, may I ask your name?”

“Oh, yes, my name is Liz Hart.”

“Hello, Liz. What a lovely name. Hm?” Lily’s eyes, which looked like someone had poured the Northern Lights into, were locked on the Academy emblem that rested neatly on her uniform. “What is that emblem for?”

“Huh?” Liz looked down at her emblem. “Oh, this means I’m an official student at Gedonelune Royal Magic Academy.”

“Gedone...lune?”

“Yes. Have you never heard of it?”

“No. I don’t believe I have.”

“I see.”

It didn’t seem like she posed any threat, but even so, Liz knew barely anything about her and it seemed like Lily herself didn’t either. This was becoming a predicament. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, you may.”

“Are you…” Liz paused, trying to figure out the words she wanted to say.

“Am I what?” Lily smiled.

“Are you a Dragonkin by any chance?”

“Hmmm..” Lily nodded softly. “That I am. I remember that much and yet…”

Her eyes seemed to hold sadness as she looked to the side.

“Is everything alright?” Liz walked over and knelt near the flowers.

“Oh, yes.” Lily shook the sadness away and smiled sweetly. “I just find it hard to find the memories I really want.It’s sort of like looking through thick fog to find a small object.”

“I see. Lily?”

“Yes?”

“Would it be alright if you came back to--”

“Liz?”

The sound Alfonse’s voice was accompanied by the sound of footsteps from multiple people as they headed in her direction.

“Over here Alfonse!”

Liz called out, smiling as the others came over to her side.

“Did you find anything?”

“Well I-” Liz looked over at the small flower patch, only to find that Lily was no longer there. In fact, there were no traces to prove that she had actually been there in the first place.

“Liz?”

“Sorry. No, I didn’t find anything out. Maybe we should try looking again tomorrow? It’ll be getting late soon.”

She wished she didn’t have to lie, but considering the information she had gathered, this seemed like something she couldn’t tell the others, at least not yet. Despite that, she revealed the truth to a certain other Dragonkin a few days later.

“Willem, what do you make of this?”

“Well…” Willem placed his teacup on the coffee table. “It seems hard to believe. Are you sure you saw another Dragonkin?”

“There’s no mistaking it, she had horns, tail and even a set of wings. Plus she even admitted to it. Though...I do wonder..”

“What is it?”

“Why would she disclose such information to me?”

“You said she suffered from memory loss, correct?” Willem sighed and looked down, almost sadly. “Perhaps she has forgotten of our past.”

A small gasp left Liz’s lips as she too placed her teacup down. 

“You mean...she might not remember the war? Or anything?!”

“Yes. Or her death.”

“Death? W-Wait, you mean she might not have been sealed away like Felix or Lacan was?”

“No, those two were the only ones sealed away. I was held as a prisoner and the others were slaughtered.”

“But then how…”

“Do you remember what I told you? When a Dragonkin dies, they become flowers. Our death is symbolized by flowers, but, it can also mean our rebirth. If this girl, Lily, truly is a Dragonkin, then she is the first of our kind to be reborn from a flower.”

Liz looked over at Willem, the two of them knowing full well on what they had to do.

[the-truth-will-light-the-sky]

The Chocobros on the Dance Floor

Who among them dances like Kenny Crow, though?

Noctis - The Awkward Prince

Noctis likes listening to music as it gets his blood pumping.

He would subtly bob his head to the beat but if he’s feeling really into it, expect him to sway a bit to the song, an unconscious biting of his lips ensues, much to the bros’ endless teasing.

When it comes to dancing however, don’t ask the prince to dance if you’re not on his posse.

Stranger? No thanks.

But if the bros start dancing, initiated by Prompto, followed by a very good dancer named Gladio, expect Noctis to dance a bit.

The prince doesn’t have a particular dance style, expect him to sway his body from side to side and raising his hands in the air if he feels like it.

Dancing with the bros does not require the best dance moves nor coordination. It’s only pure craziness.

When someone he likes is suddenly thrust into the dance scene beside him, at first Noct goes from having fun to being shy.

But when his crush starts laughing as they dance to the beat, being their usual self, Noct would gain confidence and start dancing with them.

Bold is rarely the word for the prince when it comes to things like this, but if he’s feeling extra brave, he’d hold his crush’s waist as he dances with them, a playful smile decorating his lips.

A younger Noct wouldn’t dare do the, um, grind, but mind you, with enough signals from his crush, he’d be down with it. Nothing dirty, just losing himself in the feeling of holding his dear one close and inhaling the sweet scent of them.

By the end of the night, Noct is hooked.

Don’t try to put V in the dance scene, however, if you do not want to make a mess of the Prince.

Prompto - The Energy Bunny

Prompto, despite looking like a shy and clumsy chocobo, is actually a killer on the dance floor.

Not a killer, of course. But he’s gonna slay anyone who challenges him to a dance off.

Sunshine Kid’s energy and dance moves are the best around. He likes dancing to keep his blood pumping, plus it gives him an extra boost of happiness.

Prompto loves watching those choreography videos on Nextube and he’d try to imitate the steps with success.

He’s not all about the dance moves however, because Prompto’s charisma is infectious.

He’d be all smiles as he dances, but he’d get very much into it too that he’d look like a total badass of the dance floor.

But he’s not doing this to look cool, though. Sunshine Kid just loves to dance. His fave goofy moves? Why, the Kenny Crow dance of course! Followed by the cowboy bounce and the running man. He ain’t Sunshine Kid without being a goofball, of course.

If he’s only listening to the music, a.k.a. watching his friends dance as he gobbles down on spicy food and chugging down a cold drink, he’d bob his as he’d tap his fingers on the floor.

Expect his feet to tap to the beat too. It’s like his body can’t contain itself that he has to dance it all out.

He’s the one who initiates the dancing. He won’t be too confident to try and dance on the dance floor at first. He’d dance by the corner or by the table all by his lonesome…for a few seconds. He’d then drag Noct or whoever it is that is fortunate or unfortunate enough to be in near proximity.

If he spotted his crush in the crowd, Sunshine Kid is nowhere to be seen.

The bros would eventually find him stress eating by their table or pretending to be busy taking photos to avoid talking to that person.

And let’s not forget the selfies. By the end of the night, expect lots of selfies with the bros and all the people he’s made friends with. And lots of stolen shots. That’s Prompto for ya.

Gladiolus - A Vision on the Dance Floor

Gladio likes any kind of music. So if someone plays some really good beats, expect him to really try and rock to it.

He’s confident in his dancing. He doesn’t have any dance moves in his pockets like Prompto, but boy, can this man dance.

The way Gladiolus carries himself as he busts a groove makes it look as if he’s doing some sort of photo shoot.

He is not shy to dance either in a reserved fashion like swaying his body from side to side, or from going full on with his dancing.

This guy’s energy is hard to match, only at par with Sunshine Kid himself.

Gladio is open to dancing with a stranger, given that they’re nice and all. If they’re jerks, expect him to walk away with an irritated scowl.

He’s the kind of guy who would boldly ask someone to dance with him or with his friends if they’re alone or too shy.

He won’t be overpowering; in fact, he’d be very friendly with them. He’d strike up a really good conversation as they dance with ease.

The bros are not surprised if the big guy ends up making friends, or having a number written on his arm or his hand.

If Gladio sees his crush in the dance floor, he’ll call out to them.

He’s very happy to find them as he’s having fun and is willing to do his best to make them feel the same way.

He doesn’t dance to impress, but if that is what will take for his crush to really notice how, ripped, uh, good-looking he is, then by all means, he would.

Gladio is the kind who would talk about different things to anyone while dancing. From nonsensical things and jokes to deep philosophical things like do you think the stars stare back at us and all that.

Ignis - The Suave One

Ignis prefers to listen to music, thank you very much.

He’d be that friend who seem to have their butts glued to the seat and would make up every excuse not to dance.

‘I’m too drunk’ (he’s drinking Ebony; in fact, none of the bros drink liquor anyway in precaution to avoiding any mischief), or ‘I sprained my foot, ah, ankle’, ‘My glasses are too foggy’, ‘Cor is in the crowd’ (gasp) and such.

The bros would leave him to his lonesome.

Ignis is very happy to be left alone. He fishes out his phone and begins playing King’s Knight. The bros are missing out on the level up bonus on a Friday night. Iggy smirks.

He’d find his foot tapping to the beat and he’s cool with that. Ignis Scientia likes listening to whatever makes him feel better, no matter the genre.

The only time you can find Ignis on the dance floor is if he is avoiding someone.

There was one time when a lady bumped into his seat and asked if he wanted to dance. She was very beautiful, yes, but he found that from a corner of the bar that a man as big and fearsome as Gladio was glaring at him as if he was throwing daggers at Iggy in the dark. Ignis excused himself with regret but peace goes first before romance. A sad affair, really.

Gladio is the first to sense if something was amiss and would call out to Iggy to join the bros in the dance floor.

Prompto’s incessant dance moves proven to make Ignis Scientia laugh and Noct’s annoying teases would push the Master Tactician to bust a few moves of his own.

Ignis can dance. His spatula can attest to that.

If anyone can catch Iggy dancing, consider yourself blessed. 

Ignis looks so damn sexy as he dances. He’d push his glasses up and dances effortlessly it’s almost criminal. AND THAT SMIRK.

Once Ignis’ apple of his eye is suddenly in the room, Ignis would halt any tomfoolery and act the mature one in the group (he already is, but, multiply that twice).

He’ll see if this person would look at him as his friends would dance about. If they did, he would look away as if he himself wasn’t staring at them in the first place.

It works, of course. Ignis finds himself talking to this person but keeping everything about him mysterious. 

He’s not touchy, though, so don’t expect him to grab you out of nowhere and start swaying those hips. He’s a gentleman.

At the end of the night, Ignis Scientia has gotten almost everyone smitten with him. 

Noct gives him the stink eye from the back of the car. Remind him not to bring Specs to the dance club again.

V - The Closeted Dancer

The lady above is Veritas Lux Seculum in her typical battle gear. I finally made her own GIF! I made a character model for her in FFXV Comrades and I’m so happy to have made her first GIF! Of course it had to be the goofy one, ha!

She’s almost always sitting by the table with Iggy, discussing matters and even jokes. Iggy approves.

But then Prompto would drag her away to the dance floor and would make her laugh with his cowboy and running man dance moves.

Gladio joins in the moment he sees this and would try and joke about, raising V’s hands in the air to ease her nervousness.

Veritas is too cautious and reserved most of the time, so a little dance wouldn’t hurt.

Once she sees that everyone is having fun, she’d let loose a little bit.

Immortals aren’t boring on the dance floor. They’re adorable!

This barely 5′ short tall lady starts by swaying her body to the beat and similar to Noct, she would raise her hands in the air, just losing herself to the groove.

But if the mood finally strikes, she would drop all facades and dance to her heart’s content.

She’s not afraid to go disco or latin or hiphop or anything. Sunshine Kid challenges her to imitate his moves and she complies but throws in a bit of her take to it.

V is the kind of person who would laugh as she dances and likes to engage in conversation like Gladio.

Her usual dance partner is Prompto and she’s always down to being a goofball with him.

Their fun energy is infectious that even Noct starts dancing with them.

If V looks at the Prince however, he’d look away.

V loves dancing with her friends, but if Ravus suddenly calls her, expect her to excuse herself and head outside the club to talk.

The only way to get her back is to say that Gladio has had too much to drink (of course not). They only want their best mate to stay for the fun.

Here’s the playlist I’ve been listening to as I wrote this down, if anyone is curious. I don’t really stick to a particular style, as long as it keeps the blood pumping, it’s a go. *please don’t judge me, haha!’

‘Bust A Move’ by Young MC, 

‘Ice, Ice Baby’ Glee Version,

Uptown Girl by Billy Joel, 

U Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer, 

‘Let’s Groove Tonight’ and ‘Boogie Wonderland’ by Earth, Wind & Fire

‘The Water Dance’ by Chris Porter feat. Pitbull

‘Manolo’ by Trip Lee and Lecrae

‘Kiss’ Prince’s version

‘Uptown Funk’ by Bruno Mars

‘Fever’ by Peggy Lee

‘Sexy Boy’ by Air

‘No Problem’ by Lil Scrappy

‘Lovefool’ by The Cardigans

‘I’m Too Sexy’ by Right Said Fred

‘Let’s Get It’ by Jordyn Carter

‘I Hate Myself For Loving You’ by Joan Jett and The Blackhearts,

’Sway’ Michael Buble version 

‘Come On Eileen’ by Dexys Midnight Runners, 

‘Footloose’ by Kenny Loggins, 

‘WTF’ by Missy Elliott feat. Pharrell Williams, 

‘Love Never Felt So Good’ by Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake, 

‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’ by The Clash,

’Sexy Back’ by Justin Timberlake, 

‘Anaconda’ by Nicki Minaj, 

‘Fooled Around And Fell In Love’ by Elvin Bishop

I know I have a lot more, but I really can’t remember. Haha! If y’all have any song suggestions, let me know! I need more music in my life. X

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 07/02/2020

I’ll be transparent: my left ear’s blocked and I’ve been struggling to hear really, I feel I can’t properly critique music with that issue for many reasons, so I’m just going to BS my way through that one. I think that’s fair. Let’s “review” those charts.

Top 10

At the top spot, finally, it’s the amazing “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd, up one space to #1 after 10 weeks on the chart! I’m glad it’s here, and I think it can last though it does face some competition.

At number-two is the runner-up, “The Box” by Roddy Ricch, up a single space from last week.

Last week’s #1 “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi is down two spaces to number-three this week.

“Don’t Start Now” is also down two spots to number-four this week.

Unfortunately still holding onto number-five after a one-spot drop is “Godzilla” by Eminem featuring the late Juice WRLD.

“Someone You Loved” has dragged itself up three spots from the depths of hell, rebounding to number-six. I have no idea how this is happening and I want to put a halt to it as soon as possible.

At number-seven, “everything i wanted” by Billie Eilish gets a slight one-spot boost possibly due to the Grammy’s performance.

“Life is Good” by Drake, then Future is down a position to number-eight.

“ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas is still hanging on up a spot to number-nine.

Finally, to round off the top 10, we have “Adore You” by Harry Styles back at #10 after raving up four positions this week for whatever reason. I’m not exactly complaining; it’s a pretty decent song, but I have no idea why it’s back.

Climbers

We have only two climbers that are notable enough to earn a spot here, but they are very interesting and seem to be surprising hits. “You should be sad”, a country rock-infused hot mess (Or song, depending on how polite you want to be) by Halsey, is up seven spaces to #17 this week, with some true organic momentum, and “Roses” by Saint Jhn, a trap song that was made into an unauthorised house remix by Kazakh producer Imanbek, zoomed up 19 spaces to #21. These two songs seem like they could make the top 10 pretty soon, so I’d keep watch.

Fallers

There are a few more fallers, however, as there always naturally tends to be. First of all, J Hus had all three of his songs that debuted last week from the album bomb (for Big Conspiracy) fall dramatically in pretty expected fashion, but I’m surprised they’re all on the chart still, considering most of the time at least one of the songs tends to drop out. Leading the pack is “Play Play” featuring Burna Boy down eight to #19, swiftly followed by “Repeat” featuring Koffee down 12 spots to #33 and finally, “Big Conspiracy” featuring iceé tgm barely scraping the Top 40 at #40, down a whopping 21 positions from last week, which is a drop intensity I don’t think we’ve seen in a long while. There are also a few hits falling off due to the arbitrary streaming cuts rule, like “Pump it Up” by Endor down five to #23, right next to the absolute collapse of “Own It” by Stormzy featuring Ed Sheeran and Burna Boy, a former #1, down 19 spaces to #24. As I’ve always said, this rule mostly and usually solely affects hip-hop artists. It does have a notable effect on some pop and EDM though; “Lose Control” by MEDUZA, Goodboys and Becky Hill is down five to #25, and not all hip-hop has the streaming cut to blame. The mediocre “Ei8ht Mile” by Digdat featuring Aitch has only been in the chart for three weeks and is already at #28 after its 11-space decrease this week. Regardless, those are our only fallers this week... well, except “Those Kinda Nights” by Eminem featuring Ed Sheeran down 11 spots to #38 but do we really want to acknowledge that song exists? I’m not sure if we do.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Novelty songs don’t last long, and neither do protest songs, so the anthem of the European Union, “Ode to Joy”, as performed by Andre Rieu and the Johann Strauss Orchestra is out off of the debut at #30, as should be expected. The other dropouts are just songs that have been slogging in the lower reach of the top 40 for at least three weeks, like “Circles” by Post Malone out from #31, “Darkness” by Eminem out from #37 and “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles out from #39, but there is also the dropout for “Pee Pee” by M Huncho. The song’s growing on me too. Don’t think about that too much. There aren’t any returning entries as usual, so let’s run through some possible future hits in the top 75. Not all of them are good, not all of them are bad. We have “What if I Told You that I Loved You” by Ali Gatie at #71, “Charades” by Headie One and Fred Again at #67, “July” by Noah Cyrus at #66, “Momentary Bliss” by Gorillaz featuring slowthai and Slaves at #58, which is a fantastic comeback for Damon and gang, “Only the Young” by Taylor Swift from her documentary at #57, “High Fashion” by Roddy Ricch and Mustard at #56, as well as “Ballin’” by the same duo at #46, the returning entry of “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish after the Grammy’s at #45, “Power Over Me” by Dermot Kennedy at #42 and finally, “Suicidal” by YNW Melly at #41. Let’s get to the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

Like I said, I’m going to BS my way through most of these; I can listen to these songs in their entirety completely fine but I won’t be able to have that pleasant of an experience through headphones so I’ll just be blasting it out loud from the crap speakers of my laptop, meaning I could be losing some notable production elements that I would usually further analyse. I’m sorry about that, guys, but I’m still reviewing the charts even with a hearing impairment.

#36 – “Better Off Without You” – Becky Hill and Shift K3y

Produced by Shift K3y, Jarly and Svidden

Is impairment a word? I am so tired right now, I apologise if I start droning on or meandering about garbage, but here we are. I actually got three predictions right last week, with our first three new arrivals all being songs I predicted would end up here this week! So that’s pretty cool. Uh, this is Becky Hill’s new single with Shift K3y? Who’s Shift K3y? I don’t know. Looking him up, he’s another one of those future garage and house DJs from London, and he had a pretty massive hit with “Touch” in 2014. This is his third UK Top 40 single and first in five years since “I Know” peaked at #26 in 2014. It’s Becky Hill’s ninth (eighth excluding the uncredited feature on Wilkinson’s “Afterglow”) and I think I know exactly what to expect. It’s going to be “Wish You Well” with Sigala again. I wasn’t exactly incorrect; there is the same fake handclap, the same breathy and dull vocal from the admittedly talented vocalist Becky Hill, who does have a certain sound to her voice that is recognisable albeit not particularly impressive. The chorus is especially awkward and leads to a lot of empty space vocally within the duration of the drop, it sounds really odd. Otherwise, this is barely anything more than just pop-house fluff and a bit of a waste of time. Oh, and Shift K3y actually provides backing vocals here, or at least that’s who I’m assuming they are. They might just be a heavily edited Becky Hill. Regardless, this is a slightly cuter rendition of what we get every other week on this show.

#35 – “Say So” – Doja Cat

Produced by Tyson Trax

Yay! So, okay, I’ve been a fan of Doja Cat for a while even though her discography is wildly inconsistent in quality, back when “MOOO!” happened, and I’m pretty excited to finally see her here and be able to talk about her first UK Top 40 hit, which I’ve actually already listened to so I can confidently say it is a pretty decent, fun song. It is actually the biggest hit from her album Hot Pink, which saw more success than her debut and contained her second break-out single, the “Juicy” remix with Tyga, which of course had the viral video, but this one doesn’t have a video and instead got big on both TikTok and its pure groove and musical merit. Surely, this is Doja Cat’s best possible “first” impression, yet it’s kind of generic and definitely lacks some of her usual charm. On another note, I don’t care at all; this is a bop. The groove is immediately recognisable as it’s a direct sample from “Good Times” by Chic, or at least damn well sounds like it, and it provides a pretty good foundation for the synth-heavy funk-pop production that, while it does feel flavourless, especially by the end of the song, is a perfect beat for Doja Cat’s light falsetto, especially in the infectious chorus and gorgeous first verse, with some very interesting melodies and harmonies, although her voice does falter at times and it does sound somewhat awkward and abrupt, especially when a shift in her cadence does not reflect a shift in the music at all right at the end. Her second verse is a more typical Doja Cat rap verse, and it has as much charisma and energy as she usually does, with some really sweet, fast and surprisingly aggressive flows. By this time, however, that chorus does really start to drone on, doesn’t it? There are barely any developments in the instrumental to keep it interesting. Like, maybe try a key change? Just don’t loop the same vocal line for the chorus six times, especially since the chorus’ melody is incredibly simple. The meandering outro doesn’t really do much for me either, it just feels like they couldn’t figure out an end to the song. Speaking of not figuring out stuff, the second verse is borderline nonsensical but, hey, despite all those flaws, the song works well as a little dance-pop venture for Doja, and I’d like to hear it more... or perhaps in this case LESS, refined in the future.

#30 – “Lonely” – Joel Corry

Produced by Joel Corry, Lewis Thompson and Neave Applebaum

You remember “Sorry”. Now he’s back with another house-pop song with a one-word, two-syllable title that nearly rhymes with his name and features an uncredited female singer. I have no idea how this one’s going to sound!!! Maybe I shouldn’t be too cynical, I mean “Sorry” was okay. This one seems to have Harlee Jayne Sudworth on it as the vocalist in place of Hayley May, but it could be a sample as I’m just going by the writing credits. It’s Corry’s second UK Top 40 hit, by the way, after “Sorry” was his breakout hit. Yeah, I’m sorry, I find it hard to care. The vocalist sounds exactly like Hayley May, the instrumental is just vaguely deep house-influenced preset loops, and the drop is one I’ve heard at least seven times this past month. The stuttering in the post-chorus and bridge is possibly the most obnoxious shit I’ve heard in EDM since “Like a G6”. AIt’s also way too long for how uninteresting it is. Pass.

#12 – “Physical” – Dua Lipa

Produced by Jason Evigan and Koz

Ah, there are two new songs just outside of the top 10, the first by Dua Lipa, serving as her second single from Future Nostalgia, which is shaping up to be a pretty interesting dance-pop/90s house and nu-disco throwback record seemingly from these singles and the vibrant, colourful aesthetic. This is “Physical”, and despite a pretty cool music video, this seems to have debuted pretty low, which is disappointing but she could easily gain more traction as “Don’t Start Now” starts to falter. I’m excited to listen to this with both ears, but regardless this is Dua Lipa’s 14th UK Top 40 hit, and let’s listen, I guess. First off, this sounds a lot less 90s than it does 80s, in fact I’d probably call this instrumental typical of let’s say, early Madonna, but with an extra injection of steroids inserted right into the tempo, with that first beeping synth melody sounding a lot more menacing and intense than intimate as I expected, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact, Dua Lipa herself is probably the worst part of this song, as her presence is questionably mundane here, sometimes having her Auto-Tune trail off awkward, in the verses especially. Otherwise, the additional bombast of the synths in that chorus are a pretty nice addition but without Dua Lipa putting that much effort this does feel a tad empty until of course that bridge which is the final release and climax, and that sounds beautiful, especially with the strings and all, but is it really worth it at that point? Not only that, but the chorus that follows feels neutered in comparison. The song feels like it’s a high-speed car chase that happens to constantly be in traffic. It’s not bad, but it’s hard not to feel at least a little disappointed.

#11 – “Wake Up Call” – KSI featuring Trippie Redd

Produced by S-X and Mally Mall

Well, this’ll be an ant-climactic one I think. This is KSI, British vlogger, rapper and semi-professional boxer, with her new song “Wake Up Call” featuring Trippie Redd’s first ever appearance in the UK Top 40, which is unexpected. He’s only ever been in the #80s before, but KSI is a different story, as it’s his third appearance in the UK Top 40 and his umpteenth in the singles chart overall. I’m not exactly excited to hear this since even though I am a fan of Trippie, he really would phone it in on a KSI feature, within reason, but we’ll see how it is. Just as I expected, it is kind of garbage, even though I actually love that quirky synth loop that acts as the main melody. Sadly, it gets pretty old two minutes in, and Trippie’s hook, drowned in reverb, is just unpleasant, as is the pathetic trap beat and KSI’s surprisingly anti-charismatic delivery. Like, I thought he was a YouTuber people liked for being happy and upbeat, right? Why is he just murmuring to kill time here? Yeah, this isn’t worth anyone’s time. KYLE and Lil Yachty could probably do this beat the little amount of justice it deserves, though.

Conclusion

Well, there’s nothing particularly amazing here but it’s clear that Doja Cat’s “Say So” is what is most worth listening to here, so it’ll get Best of the Week, I suppose. I guess I’ll give the Honourable Mention to “Physical” by Dua Lipa, and the Dishonourable Mention to... “Lonely” by Joel Corry, actually, as while it’s less interesting and probably has a larger absence of good than our Worst of the Week, “Wake Up Call” by KSI featuring Trippie Redd, at least there wasn’t any potential being wasted. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more pop music rambles and I’ll see you next week – or sooner!

REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020

[kiribbeanplays-blog]

Character Critiques: Poliwag Family

Another ridiculously simple-looking, but pleasing character design: Poliwag!

Sometimes, there are character designs so minimalistic, I can’t help but think, “Man, I wish I could have gotten away with something like that in my college character drawing class.” From a purely facetious perspective, Poliwag seems to be “just” a sphere with a face and stumpy legs.

But “minimalist” doesn’t automatically mean “bad.” Oddish, for example, stole my heart despite being a plain radish. Fortunately for Poliwag, what it does have in its presentation - however nominal - works well. It’s a streamlined portrayal of tadpoles, right down to the translucent skin that’s present on some species!

(Photo credit: Paul A. Zahl)

Indeed, that swirl on Poliwag’s tummy represents its visible intestines! As an added bonus, it can undulating the marking to hypnotize its enemies, just as you’d expect from such a symbol. It’s impressive how a single basic shape was used so effectively!

My one critique about Poliwag is that its eyes shouldn’t be perfectly flat on its face. A few older sprites showed them bulging out, which I feel is a better fit with the bug-eyed appearance of the real things.

At the end of the day, however, it’s just a personal nitpick that doesn’t affect Poliwag’s overall appeal.

It may be a sphere with a face and stumpy legs, but Poliwag is a solid minimalist tadpole character.

As expected from a tadpole, Poliwag has undergone metamorphosis into a frog… sort of. It’s not quite there yet, being halfway between the two forms.

Amusingly, despite Poliwhirl evolving to walk around on two legs, it's arms don’t seem entirely developed. Its hands are adorable mittens that it curls into boxing gloves. Poliwhirl will eventually become half-Fighting if it evolves into Poliwrath, so this concept makes sense.

For a little extra trivia, the front legs on real frogs are often the last to grow when they deviate from their tadpole origins. With this knowledge, the “mitten” hands work perfectly with Poliwhirl’s design!

Even more, there’s a species of frog with its organs still fully visible - the glass frog!

(Photo credit: Joel Sartore)

Poliwhirl’s spiral belly would be fine even without the existence of the glass frog, but it’s impressive to see how much research went behind its design!

Poliwhirl addresses my critique about Poliwag’s eyes - they now clearly bulge from the top of its body. I think this looks much more interesting on the character, with an added bonus of giving Poliwhirl a stronger silhouette.

A bipedal brawling frog is a wacky and fun concept. Poliwhirl does more than be Pokémon’s “obligatory” frog monster, and in a good way!

Oh dear...

Poliwrath, dude… did we not recently discuss the “barely any different” problem a couple articles ago?

To be fair, Poliwrath kind of follows my stance about minor Pokémon evolutions. To compensate for the lack of any significant changes (apart from its hands), its overall body shape is different… if you squint really hard.

I think Poliwrath’s design could be enhanced to better reflect its brawny build. I’m not saying it has to be exaggerated like a bodybuilder, but it should have a little extra definition to its body shape so that one doesn’t have to squint to tell it apart from Poliwhirl.

Let me step away from bashing Poliwrath’s visual design and talk about the lore behind it. Perhaps things get more interesting there.

There’s actually a catch to evolving Poliwhirl into Poliwrath. It’s another one of those Pokémon obtainable only through an evolutionary stone - in this case, a Water Stone. When you think about how Poliwrath becomes part Fighting-type, it’s like the player character has to throw steroids at the beast to build its muscles. I’m speaking about this concept theoretically, as the Pokédex doesn’t back up that last statement. Regardless, it’s a hilariously awesome thought.

Even with that thought in mind, Poliwrath is still incredibly underwhelming. Water Stones aren’t nearly as rare as Moon Stones, but the point is that you have to go out of your way to find this special item just to evolve your Pokémon. All that work and effort, and all that Poliwhirl becomes is… “Poliwhirl 2.0,” but with the Fighting type added.

I feel awful dismissing a Pokémon with that terrible joke, I really do. I’ve done it several times now, and I feel it makes me look like I expect every monster to reinvent themselves when they evolve. But I can’t escape the feeling that Poliwrath could be just a little more. The idea for the character is there, but it needs some fine-tuning to its visual design to truly shine.

Well, I suppose I got my wish after all. I complained that Poliwrath looked too “boring,” and then Generation II introduced a second evolution for Poliwhirl to pick from. By physically trading Poliwhirl to another Trainer while holding an item called the King’s Rock, it takes this alternate path into Politoed.

A neon green, more normal-looking frog is certainly a surprising twist for Poliwhirl. The “identity crisis” argument could be made on account of the stark contrast between the plain Water-type Politoed and the Water-Fighting Poliwrath. But if you ask me, I don’t feel that Politoed is a terrible fit with the rest of the Poliwag line.

For one, the central “tadpole metamorphosis” theme remains in-tact, even if Poliwhirl becomes Politoed. In context with the Poliwag family, it’s a conspicuous design that doesn’t require explanation through flavor text. Compare this to Bellossom, who had diddly squat in its biography to clear up why it abandoned the rafflesia arnoldii concept.

An interesting thought is how Poliwhirl can either disrupt normal tadpole growth and remain as a half-frog monster, or it can mature into a frog proper. This is a wonderful idea devised by the artists at Game Freak, and I can’t believe the Pokémon franchise is about the only time I’ve seen such a thing in action!

I adore how all of Politoed’s visual elements are arranged. It has a limited color pallette that it uses superbly, using splashes of yellow to add more texture and variance on its bright green body. The single strand of curly hair may feel somewhat random to its design, but it adds a whimsical charm to Politoed’s character. Coupled with those beaming eyes, Politoed is an all-around precious character design.

I’m glad that the spiral intestines weren’t entirely left out of Politoed’s design. It’s still hinted by the big swirl on its tummy. It helps keep Politoed’s composition balanced, as having the exact same spiral as Poliwag’s would have likely overwhelmed the rest of its design.

I haven’t even gotten into why Politoed is obtained through a King’s Rock. Well, it’s more of a theory, as the games don’t actually explain what a “King’s Rock” is. Basically, it’s this little stone crown, as seen below:

This item makes more sense when reading Politoed’s Pokédex entries. A few games mention that Poliwag and Poliwhirl are instinctively drawn - even obedient - to Politoed’s loud, echoing croaks. In a way, Politoed “rules over” its pre-evolved brethren.

Poliwhirl needs the King’s Rock so that it can become a frog emperor to all the other little frogs in the world. That’s an exceptionally precious detail to an already darling character!

If there’s one major critique I can get off my shoulders, it’s that Politoed has an unbearably atrocious idle animation in the Generation VI+ Pokémon games.

Are you kidding me, Game Freak? It just vacantly stares into space with its arms lazily dangling, like you did with Meowth? You practically animated it in a t-pose! Unbelieveable!

Look back up at Politoed’s official artwork. Look at how dynamic it’s posed just by raising its arms. Take a look at its sprite animation from Black/White Version - hell, even gander at the energy in its pitiful Emerald Version animation!

Even if Politoed was modeled to be sitting down like it used to in the Generation II games, at least the minimal animation would be excusable. It’d be at rest, so of course it wouldn’t be moving much!

Oh well, good thing that my strict analysis of a 3D model isn’t a dealbreaker for my love of Politoed.

Politoed is one of those characters that makes me smile to look at. Visually, it’s somewhat of a curveball as an evolution for Poliwhirl. At the same time, I feel it fits right in with the rest of the evolutionary family.

Before I end this article, there’s one piece of trivia I wanted to share, but couldn’t find enough credible sources to back it up. Politoed is one of the few Pokémon who can have Drizzle as its ability. I have a distinct memory that this references folklore surrounding frogs as rainmakers and signs of a good harvest. However, this is the only remotely credible source I found, suggesting it’s a general Native American belief. Since this website doesn’t have a bibliography, and was the only website I found with this information, I can only add this potential trivia as a side note.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 13th October 2019

This was a pretty important week, as while we only had around four debuts, there’s finally some more shake-up in the top 20, which had been pretty stagnant for a while, and two new arrivals entering directly in the top 20 so without further ado, let’s review the charts.

Top 10

Still at the top for its second week this week is “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I, also entering at #96 in the US, which is expected as I’ve been predicting a crossover for weeks, but I did not expect this to be such a global hit in all honesty, mostly since the song felt too low-key to just not be a European indie fluke hit. I suppose I really have no idea what becomes a hit or not in 2019.

Our first new arrival is at number-two, with Travis Scott’s lead-off single, “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM”. The song debuted at #1 in the US, but here it’s just barely been kept at the runner-up spot, and I don’t mind either way, because while “Dance Monkey” may be a lot more distinct, both of the songs are very middling in terms of quality. This is Scott’s ninth ever UK Top 40 hit, sixth Top 20 and his third Top 10 hit. In fact, its debut at #2 made it trump “Zeze” with Kodak Black and Offset (peaked at #7) as Travis Scott’s highest-peaking song in the UK. How on Earth it did that is for me to talk about later, so for now let’s move on, as I don’t see this sticking.

Since there are no massively dramatic changes in the top 10 other than the debut of “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM”, most songs here are just down one space, including “Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean to number-three.

AJ Tracey’s “Ladbroke Grove” is also down one spot this week to number-four.

Interestingly, up one position this week is “Circles” by Post Malone, which I’m going to say now, will become a #1 hit near Christmas if not sooner.

Kygo and the late Whitney Houston continue the trend of brief descent as “Higher Love” is down a spot to number-six.

Joel Corry’s “Sorry” featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley Mays hasn’t moved since last week at number-seven.

Up six spaces from last week and entering the top 10 for the first time is “Outnumbered” by Dermot Kennedy at number-eight, becoming Kennedy’s first top 10 hit and this success should have been obvious from the start of its chart run, although personally I’m not a fan.

Dominic Fike’s “3 Nights” is down a spot to number-nine.

And finally, rounding off the top 10 are Young T & Bugsey featuring Aitch with “Strike a Pose”, also falling a singular space this week.

Climbers

Our climbers here are pretty sparse, mostly affecting songs that debuted last week. Aitch gets his fifth UK Top 20 hit as “Buss Down” featuring ZieZie (It’s his first) is up five to #20 thanks to the release of the video. Outside of the top 20, “South of the Border” by Ed Sheeran featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B experiences a pretty uncommon climb of 16 spaces to #24 off of the debut, although that doesn’t mean it’s of any quality, of course, as this is probably the worst song on the tone-deaf Ed Sheeran collaborations project. Hopping off of that success is Camila Cabello’s solo work, as for whatever reason, “Liar” is up eight positions to #27 this week. Also increasing off of its debut last week is “Turn Me On” by Riton, Oliver Heldens and Vula, moving up eight spaces to #29, and that’s all.

Fallers

While we had some pretty big climbers, they really do not compare with the impact of the fallers this week, with enough quantity but the songs themselves are genuine smash hits for the most part, although I still feel like we could have easily had some more notable drops here. “Bruises” by Lewis Capaldi is down five to #16 off of the re-entry, “Taste (Make it Shake)” by Aitch suffers streaming cuts (see: dumb UK chart rules that admittedly keep the chart constantly fluctuating and interesting) down a whopping 22 spaces, landing at #26, “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello is down six to #30, “Beautiful People” by Ed Sheeran featuring Khalid is thankfully down six to #34, “Playing for Keeps” by D-Block Europe featuring Dave has floundered entirely off of the debut, down 16 spaces to #37, and finally, “Harder” by Jax Jones featuring Bebe Rexha is down seven spots to #39.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

It seems like for a while, we’ll just have Post Malone songs dropping out and exchanging themselves for... other Post Malone songs. This week, “Goodbyes” featuring Young Thug dropped out from #23 and “Sunflower” with Swae Lee from the Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse soundtrack dropped out from #31, in exchange for other Post Malone songs outside of the top 40 to re-enter (“Take What You Want” and “Saint-Tropez”). Other drop-outs include “Nookie” by D-Block Europe featuring Lil Baby out from #30 and “boyfriend” by Social House featuring Ariana Grande out from #34, but there are no returning entries (in the top 40), so it’s time to talk about the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#38 – “Graveyard” – Halsey

Produced by Jon Bellion, Ojivolta, Louis Bell and the Monsters and the Strangerz – Peaked at #11 in Belgium and #44 in the US

Halsey’s album release has been pretty messy but to be fair to her and her team, I’d have no idea what to do after how globally massive “Without Me” was, as I don’t think Halsey would have wanted to continue down an R&B-pop lane... and clearly, she didn’t, as her next single, released months after, was “Nightmare”, a pop punk belter that pretty much nobody liked and it underperformed heavily, which is unfortunate as I actually quite enjoyed that song. Now Halsey’s back with a safer, more accessible single from her upcoming album Manic, set to release in 2020, and promoted by a livestream of her painting the album cover, for whatever reason, and, well, we’ll see how it holds up to her hit singles from other album eras, including “New Americana” and... “Bad at Love”... okay, so if this isn’t terrible, I’m marking a pretty great improvement on Halsey’s part. Regardless, this is her eighth UK Top 40 hit and... why does this need seven writers again? Five of those writers are confirmed producers, but Halsey and her co-writers seem to be out to damage her singer-songwriter/indie queen image, signifying perhaps that this new album will be more of a traditional pop record. Okay, I’m not going to lie, I’m pretending to be interested in whatever Halsey’s doing, I’m just excited to listen to this because I love Jon Bellion. I always forget he exists, but whenever he produces a new single or comes out with a fantastic album out of nowhere like last year’s Glory Sound Prep, I’m pleasantly surprised. You can definitely tell “Graveyard” is a Bellion production, albeit it does feel his maximalist style has been watered-down to fit Halsey’s cynical songwriting. The sweet guitar is definitely reminiscent of Bellion, but it’s chopped in an EDM-like fashion, and the bouncy synths are actually pretty cute surrounding Halsey’s... well, they sure are vocals. The tropical percussion sounds pretty cheap and the loop ends abruptly, with the vocals and synths occasionally clipping in the mix, which doesn’t really make much sense here, and in the chorus, Halsey punches in a line so blatantly that it is a painful, slightly off-beat jerk towards the next line. It’s probably the most incompetent production I’ve ever heard on a Halsey song, which is surprising for a song with five producers. You’d think someone noticed that during the process but that happens not to be the case... but it’s in the chorus, guys! Surely, you’d want the hook to not sound awkward and have, you know, any impact. It’s not a bad song, and it’s not like I had that high expectations, but somehow I’m still disappointed. Bellion can do better. Not sure about the other six songwriters, though.

Also, that bridge is absolutely pathetic, like come on, you didn’t even try.

#25 – “Playing Games” – Summer Walker

Extended version features Bryson Tiller – Produced by London on tha Track – Peaked at #16 in the US

Bryson Tiller isn’t credited on any of the British chart info, but his extended version is what’s getting the most plays, his verse is in the music video, Wikipedia credits him and the album adding this extended remix with Bryson Tiller is the only reason it’s even close to this high so let’s talk about Summer Walker. I mean, yeah, I like SZA too. Summer Walker to me seems like the amalgamation of all of the better female R&B singers to come before her that are in her same lane, in fact, some of the males as well. She’s like Khalid had a child with Jhené Aiko out of wedlock, but Jhene wants a DNA test as that child might have actually been with the Weeknd or another suspected dad, 6LACK. I don’t usually mind Summer Walker but I’m just frustrated with her. Ever since her debut mixtape Last Day of Summer dropped, I have been waiting for a single from her that doesn’t completely flout her talent, but it has yet to come, and when I like a song from her, it’s mostly because it has a sweet guest spot from someone else who knows how to play to their strengths, like Usher who has a placement on “Come Thru”, which probably should have been the lead single if I’m honest. Over It, Summer Walker’s debut album, was released last week to a lot of success, especially in the US, where it had the biggest ever streaming week for a female R&B project, and it featured an extended version of an already incredibly disappointing single released after she picked up a lot of traction with “Girls Need Love”, propelled by a Drake remix (It’s probably one of Summer’s best songs). “Playing Games” is one of the worst songs I think I have ever heard that reached the US Top 20, but it’s December in two months. List season is very much upon us. I don’t want to waste my energy. This will definitely still get Worst of the Week, but I don’t want to talk about it and spoil anything for the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2019 list, as this will be pretty high on it.

#19 – “10,000 Hours” – Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber

Produced by Dan Smyers – Peaked at #2 in Canada and #4 in the US

Country music doesn’t appear on the UK charts often, it really doesn’t, but it’s had a pretty great year in terms of popularity, with so many of these random country songs that would have never peaked at higher than #30 in any other year are getting in the top 20, to the point where I’m worried I’ll have to start educating myself on the genre in case there’s ever a British country boom. “Whiskey Glasses” by Morgan Wallen, “The Git Up” by Blanco Brown, “God’s Country” by Blake Shelton, “Beer Never Broke My Heart” by Luke Combs, just to name a few. Is “Old Town Road” a product of this sudden surge in country’s popularity or is it a catalyst? I’ll leave that to thinkpieces and video essays to find out because I don’t care and I don’t know a damn thing about country, I just know I love this song, and I can’t exactly figure out why. Dan + Shay are a country music duo and arguably the biggest country band right now, with massive sleeper hits like “Speechless” and especially “Tequila” which was on the Hot 100 for about a year if not more yet it never peaked higher than #21, still making the Year-End top 40 for 2018, and I didn’t mind that song either but mostly because it was very far away from what I felt was actually country... it’s safe to say that “Tequila” now sounds like it comes straight from Roger Miller because “10,000 Hours” is about as country as strawberry ice cream is healthy. I mean, it has the right components to fill that quota, but it does not make use of them in a way that fulfils the criteria, and more often than not, completely dismisses them to focus on quality. This is basically a boy band song. It starts with a lush guitar sprinkled over a barely audible drowned-out drum break, with Dan and/or Shay singing in their traditional high-pitched tone with a pretty much non-existent country twang through a pretty quick first verse. Once that chorus hits, I fell in love with this song. It’s so cheesy, it’s so melodramatic, yet it works incredibly well because it feels like a genuine declaration of love and dedication towards each artists’ respective wives, and yes, you could say that it’s corny or saccharine, and I’d fully agree with you, but that’s why it’s worth listening to. Dan’s voice especially sounds pretty great for this type of song, and the vocalising in the post-chorus is pretty sweet, though I expected it to either run into Justin’s verse a bit more fluidly or go off into a bridge on its own, but it never really does, which is disappointing. Justin’s verse, as most of his verses are nowadays, is hilarious, with a punch-in that sounds like a line was completely replaced with the “Did you get your middle name from your grandma?” line, which has an oddly creepy inflection that is not helped by Justin’s huskier Auto-Tuned drawl, but his cooing and harmonisations otherwise work, especially in the pre-chorus. I also love how the drums come in for the chorus. The bridge is great on its own (albeit slightly awkward, which has its charm), but I’d appreciate it being expanded and having more harmony with Dan + Shay and Justin. Dan shines especially in the final chorus though, and the song ends with just a bunch of vocal riffing, which is pretty fitting for what’s essentially a wedding song. I love this song, but that might just be because it’s essentially a Christmas song in spirit and a Backstreet Boys song in execution. Oh, and did you know this is the most-streamed country song ever? That’s pretty crazy.

#2 – “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” – Travis Scott

Produced by OZ, Nik D and Mike Dean - Peaked at #1 in the US

I have spent hours trying to find out why “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” by Travis Scott debuted at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100. I listened the song once and was perplexed. Okay, first of all, let’s talk about the song, it’s not bad at all, in fact, I’d argue it’s pretty decent. I like the eerie vocal sample with a pretty speedy Latin guitar. Travis doesn’t say anything of interest and his oddly-mixed ad-libs are pretty fun, especially in the chorus, but it does seem a tad rushed overall. The verses and chorus very smoothly transition to each other, but the mixing is really shoddy at times, I feel like it’s mostly bass mastering that make this hard to listen to. It also has a pretty odd falsetto part at the end, but the outro is probably the best part of the song, with the pretty epic distorted synth layers and aggressive drums just piling on top of each other, with lyrics that are incomprehensible on top of them. So why is this #1 on the Hot 100? Well, okay, so let’s go through each idea.

The outro’s lyrics are incomprehensible, and Travis himself sold merch that claimed the outro was not for “decoding” and he told his fans to “just vibe”. Surely, that made some people that wouldn’t normally listen pretty curious. Rap Genius transcribers would have tried to listen to that outro and hence the song on loop for hours, just for Travis to literally delete it and annotate the outro saying that there shouldn’t be any lyrics or decoding, pretty much confirming that he’s saying nonsense words.

The song is about Travis’ ex-fiancé Kylie Jenner, who had reportedly separated two days prior to the release of the single. Kylie Jenner also promoted the single when playing a demo of the song in an April video about some kind of eyebrow product. There’s a lot of drama to unfold there and Travis does briefly mention Kylie, not by name, in lyrics. Kylie would later be seen at a party with Tyga.

From May to August, Travis teased the song several times by playing it at live shows. There was originally going to be a Lil Baby feature that was played at an August show.

Travis released an incredibly wacky, funny music video with a lot of vivid colours and interesting concepts to accompany the single release.

Travis released merch bundles where you could buy a digital single for free essentially if you buy a hoodie or something, most of the clothing having direct relations to the song and its lyrics. There were also several different physical versions released, including a CD, vinyl record and cassette tape. These bundles and merch are probably the reason it debuted so high all things considered, but do physical merch sales really drive a song to #1? Travis does not have near enough a pull in the UK to get a top 10 hit on his own, so I imagine the physical sales really drove this up to the #2 spot, as well as the merch bundles. This means that Travis now has a second #1 in the US to his name pretty much purely because of merchandise. It did not have radio support at all despite monstrous streaming and without the merch and physical sales, it would have debuted in the top 10 easily, top five probably, but definitely would not have dethroned the much more stable and balanced song in all platforms, “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo. Also, I know there are a lot of Travis Scott fans and they are all very dedicated people, but even they can tell this was probably made in a day, right? It’s just “BUTTERFLY EFFECT” again, but it’s not even by the same producer, so Murda Beatz pretty much had his beat ripped off for some throwaway single that somehow got to #1. Surely, to buy a physical copy, you need to care enough about the song. The music video was pretty great, fair enough, and Kardashian drama does bring a lot of publicity, but I do not see how in any way this song is captivating enough to be documented as a #1 debut. The song had essentially been leaked in its entirety – plus a Lil Baby verse that could have made it even bigger – at live shows. You have to be interested in the song enough to care about the lyrics, and I can’t find anything here that resonates. Billboard’s merch rules need some re-evaluation, man. It’s an okay song though, pretty disposable.

Conclusion

I’m not as angry at “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” as it looks, the song’s tolerable, so Travis Scott isn’t even getting a Dishonourable Mention, in fact the Best and Worst of the Week fall out easily. Summer Walker and I guess Bryson Tiller get Worst of the Week for “Playing Games” (More on that song in a couple months) and Best of the Week goes to Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber for “10,000 Hours”, which is a really stupid song but it’s so fun. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!