#(im too lazy to look up how many but its at least 5 or 6)

[scottstiles]

im sorry is sam drawing the nemeton??

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. i honestly have to guess the reason the anatomy is just SO bad in LO now is that the team gets such rushed sketches from rachel (youd be shocked how many series do this to their teams of assistants) and are on such a time crunch that yeah with a little more time they could fine-tune it to look better but they just go "fuck it" and follow exactly whats on the sketch and it just ends up looking like ... that. its not really the fault of the team but more rachel doesnt give them a lot to work with.

2. idk how you guys claim lo persephone has no personality?? she has big boobs and ass and does whatever hades wants her to do, thats all the personality she needs! (/s obviously)

3. LMAOOO EROS IS BANNED NOW?? love you terrible tumblr staff, never change

4. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT CANVAS COMIC YOURE TALKING ABOUT and you can check the creator's instagram and see the majority of their page is just LO fanart. they maybe could have claimed arrogance if this wasn't the case (tbh most of the character, story, and visual tropes LO uses are super common place that an accidental overlap is very possible) to give it more leeway, but the fact they're an admitted LO fan who just HAPPEN to have all the same exact elements is ... very sus.

5. the athena/hesita ship is also bad bc theyre framed as hypocrites for not letting the poor straight girl persephone bone her near retirement age boss and theyre just?? stupid?? like they never get rid of their no sex rule? also rachel's past comments of hestia "getting over" being asexual (as if asexuals dont have sex? its a spectrum?) and the fact athena has to look like a Man™️ while Hestia looks like a Woman™️ so it's also a gendered gay ship too. It's just bad no matter how you cut it.

6. this is such an annoying thing about RS's "character designs" but why do NONE of them have even some distinct accessories to show who they are? Give Zeus a crown of lighting streaks. Give Hera peacock decals on her clothes. Have Poseidon carry his trident on his back. Give Hades a jewel skull tie pin. ANYTHING! The only one who has any is Persephone with blobby flowers which often aren't even there and lack any sort of rhyme or reason to them (other than blue for horny 🤨). It's so lazy!

-----FP Spoilers/Mention-----

7. FP Spoilers//I wish Persephone had come by her wrath honestly instead of it being "blessed" by Eris. Like. Heaven forbid the sweet precious cinnamon roll has dimension and feels wrath because that's natural and just part of her? Maybe I'm not making sense. Idk it just feels like RS is doing everything in her power to make Persephone perfect rather than a well rounded character. Maybe I'm wrong. Idk I just hate that it's not *her* wrath it's a blessing from Eris. Smh. 

8. alright im not spending coins on it, what cliffhanger did the mid season finale end on this time. (//fp spoilers obvs)

From OP: I’d recommend just going on youtube tbh. The panels kinda add to this weird mid season finale.

9. //FP SPOILERS

OH MY GOD YESSSS I'VE BEEN WAITING 12 YEARS  WHOLE SEASON FOR THIS. Persephone's finally getting the punishment for all her deeds(and a pretty fair one, per se), she and Hades will finally be apart and Zeus being an actual ruler who makes big decisions and not some clown. Like yeah, there is also ugly art, plot twists out of nowhere, but this is just season 2 you can't do anything about. All and all this is the best chapter in the season so far, can't wait for LO stans to read it, ooh boy this is going to be fun

10. Fp- yep so Perse is all uwu, her "ambitious" side and aow wasn't even hers. Wanted character development? Now you have downgrade. Thanks Rachel. At least we are getting Minthe back

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[eclipsewarrior101]

Age Swamp Au One shot 2:

Au characters and au belong to @safetayy

To Tame an Overtired Prince:

It had been three weeks since ex queen marcy’s defeat. Newtopia was recovering and things were needed to be fixed. Andrias of course since he was the heir took the challenges head on. He spend at least a few weeks in meetings, looking at laws and trying to fix the mistakes of his mentor. it was all fine and dandy....

actually...it was NOT

he barely slept and was always swamped with work. he was always trying to keep everyone happy no matter what. Lady Olivia always told him to rest but he was a stubborn kid and said he was fine. He also was trying to avoid his friends...he felt horrible for what he had put them through...he felt guilt and thought work would help. BUT hes a young teen who has been through trauma and has NOT and refuses to recover or even acknowledge it.  He knew the newtopians and the others were not happy with him and his mentors deception so he vowed to make them all happy even if it cost him his sleep and health. 

So Lady Olivia did what any good lady in waiting would do....he secretly sent a letter to his friends.

 “dear friends of Andrais, andrias despite being a sweet and hard working heir is a being a stubborn brat and is refusing to sleep despite him being up for 3 weeks straight with only 5 hours of sleep with a day depending on the day. He is gonna drop dead if he doesn’t get sleep. so please...HELP”

A few days later Andrias is getting ready for another business day. he had at least 6 meetings and was trying to read the letters they sent to understand the problems. 

meanwhile grime and hop along with the adults travel to Newtopia. Grime is trying to figure out how to do this. they knew andrais was stubborn and they knew he would fight them. grime had mentioned breaking in

“grime NO...we were invited...we are not breaking in”

they get closer to the castle and when he sees a guard grime decide to just sock them. Hop freaks out 

“GRIME!!!!” 

Lady Olivia greets them with a relieved smile “thank you for coming boys. i really need- ugh....lazy sleeping guards....anyway this way, he has NO idea you are here...hes in the another room” they follow as they look around as they do. many of the old tapestries were taken down and replaced. it seemed more calm in here. grime had packed a bag with a smirk...and hop just hoped andy would listen. they goes to the room and adrias is just a mess.

His hair and clothes were unkept. his eyes were sunken and he just looked so dazed and tired. he was going through one of dozens of scrolls around him. he sounded so hoarse and exhausted “so....so this law....this law sounds a bit wrong...hmm...cant cant fix it without...without a....” Lady Olivia lets them go in 

“ANDRAIS!!!!!!!”

he jumps and freaks out as he looks up, he couldn’t believe it. his friends....were here.

“Hopediah...Grime...what...what are you-”

“YOU are in big trouble andy...a little butterfly told us you need to sleeep and you look like crap...you are resting”

Andrais gives lady olivia a look “You didn’t....”

she sighs “i had no choice...have fun” she leaves and his friends smile with a smile that only meant trouble. he gulps “come on guys...lets be reasonable here...i really need to get my work done...cant we just”

grime brings out a rope “its either the easy way...or MY way....you will rest....” andrias gulps and then just runs for it....sleep deprived runs and the other two run after him and the sound of the boys yells can be heard

“I DON’T NEED SLEEP”

“STOP BEING STUBBORN”

“GRIME DONT HURT HIM”

“LET GO...IM FINE...HELP ME HELP”

“GET OVER HERE”

Meanwhile:

Granne and Sasha are talking with Lady oliva and hear the sounds 

“how long you think they will be”

“oh those two will get him to rest...andrias may be strong but grime is stronger and more stubborn”

a few moments later they see grime and hop holding a tied up andrais who is whining. 

“you idiot, we had to come all this way just to drag you into bed....your a dummy...but your our dummy. we were worried”

“hey...i...i am not...i was working....”

“yah...working yourself to death....look we know you wanna be a good ruler but you need rest too. we care about you”

“yah....you cant rule right if your falling over. a healthy ruler is a happy one”

andrias grumbles but can’t do much with his tied up body. he looks to the adults with pleading looks they only smile

“Get some rest boys”

andrias grumbles “...traitors...”

He still complains and squirms as they take him to his room. it was very dark and a bit cold

“sheesh andy...its freezing”

they set him down on the bed under some covers. he squirms and tries to get out

“ as nice as this is...i really need....i have so many...meetings and”

“uh uh...nope...your staying right here”

grime unties him but grabs him before he can leave and hugs him 

“GRIME come on”

“NOPE..we aren’t leaving til you fall asleep....you need to rest...right Hop”

Hop nods “uh huh....sleep is good for you and it helps you think better and you really look like you need it andy...please...rest....”

andrias groans as Hop and Grime hug him in place. andrias whines but he kinda feels warm. he tries to stay awake but his eyes grow heavy

“i...i ...n-need to...this is....hmm...n-nice...i (yawns) hmm” 

Hop hums a song and Andrais soon is fast asleep. grime and hop soon fall asleep too. They were soon cuddling up like little caterpillars in a warm blanket

Sasha and Granne are smirking and taking pictures as they whisper

“they are so adorable....”

“yes they are...these are being used as blackmail later”

“agreed”

they shut the door to let the boys sleep

so i hope you enjoyed that. thank you to @safetayy for help and their au Age swamp is on their account. its really cool. i may do more of theses one shots when i get inspiration. 

[jtrbluv]

tag game !

tagged by the lovely linh @latetaektalk ,, thank u soso much! this was so fun omg

tagging: @allurain @koushiningg @dreamystuffers @jinpanman @dulce-pjm @suhdays @pjmsdior @bangtans-peaceful-piegon @sugacouture

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

um i didn't rly write for any fandoms when i was younger, but i knew my 12yo self was probably conjuring harry potter headcanons in my head D:

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

for now, and for a long time, i've been writing for bts. i've like always been a multi from the moment i got into kpop but i've never actually fleshed out any of the wips i had for any other groups LMFAO. honorable mentions are got7, skz, haikyuu yup

3. how long have you been writing?

a longggg time, i think. i enjoyed writing fiction as a kid a lot. most of it would be like off-brand spy kids/harry potter/hunger games type beat stuff. and it was awful. but i was literally like 9 so cut me some slackLKSDFJSLKDjf

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

primarily tumblr and i only recently made an ao3 acc. the only fic i have on there is a tae drabble that's already posted on here LOL. i think it's 'resolutely, yours.' but i don't even remember bye. i remember i drafted drivers license on there but i literally forgot to post it so it's probably gone HAHA.

5. what is your favourite genre to write?

e2l even though i have no e2l fics on this blog i think

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

i used to never plan my fics, like at all. but then i was so unsatisfied with the flow of things and like idk lack of clarity. drivers license was the first time i actually sat down and planned out an entire fic as i was writing it. it rly does make things easier when u have an idea of what u want. and then just having the idea can help you possibly expand on it and get even better ideas off of it. the events of drivers license and the order it was all written in changed like 20394803 times. but yeah, does that make sense... LMFAO

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

one shots because i can never fucking get myself to finish a series. i love reading them tho

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

no clue. i love long stories and slow burn tho, it's just so satisfying and $wag when it's well-written and the characters are well-written too.

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

the fic i'm about to post is nearing 20k, and it might even surpass that which will end up being the longest story on this blog. insane! drivers license is around 10k i think, and then if u combine the wnrs couple's fics it's like 15k? im too lazy to look tbh SRy

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

oh drivers license for sure! i don't think i've ever immersed myself and put so much effort into a story before. it was truly an amazing experience, and i just know that i'll probably never be able to write anything like that fic ever again. it's rly one of a kind for me.

11. favourite request you've have written and why (if any?)

most of the requests i had on this blog got taken down bc they were so bad. i'm not sure if the yoongi superhero!au is still up on here, but i'd choose that one since i really had to branch out of my writing style for it. regardless of it being like barely 2k.

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

miscommunication, so much banter, i used to see this a lot but i would take it out but... head bonking ??LSKDFJHAHA, my side characters being dumbasses and then my main characters being even bigger dumbasses (oc probably being the biggest dumbass)

13. current number of wips?

during the course of writing the current fic i plan on posting this week, i created like 5 wips and they all hit 5k, and then i straight up abandoned them. and then the endless idea bank google doc. so if i count the wips i for sure want to finish by like this year or summer... like 3 or 4.

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

i feel like i repeat stuff a lot throughout all my stories LOL,, it irks me so bad. i think i relate to all my ocs in at least one way or another.

15. a quote you like from a published story

alrighty this is a lil snippet from 'drivers license':

this is from the second letter oc wrote to jk:

"The same delusional daydreamer hopes that one day we can talk and laugh like old pals. Like nothing ever changed between us. I hope you achieve your dreams that you always thought seem too far-fetched, yet in the back of my mind I always knew you could easily grasp. I hope someday you can live a life of lesser worries and insecurities, because you rarely had any to start off with. I always hoped the world for you, because you deserve it. And despite everything, I still believe you do."

this paragraph seems pretty simple but i think it did the best job of like describing oc's emotions and realization of things,, its kinda cliche tew yas love that

16. a quote from an unpublished story

alr this is from the e2l jimin series that is going to take me forever to write bc the outline for it is SO LONG

“Would it kill you to at least show up with a shirt on?“ You sneer, patting your forehead with the back of your hand due to the sweltering sun. The event hasn’t even started yet and you can already feel your hair sticking to the back of your neck.

Crossing his arms, he scoffs, his biceps bulging out as his arms bend. Not like you were staring at them. “Sorry couldn’t hear you, too busy boosting the school’s morale.”

17. space for you to say something to your readers

i feel like i don't show enough appreciation to my readers and mutual on this blog. i have met so many lovely people and have gotten so much support, i hope u all know that it does NOT go unnoticed. i always tend to go back and reread all the comments and asks that i get on my stories bc it rly does make my heart soar. it makes my day!!! thank u all for sticking with me thru all my 3am shitposts and inconsistent writing schedule LOL,, you all have my whole heart and some more <3

[rigelmejo]

march 3/15/2021

im trying to read through tae kim’s grammar guide right now because i’m officially further in the nukemarine LLJ  memrise decks (there’s tae kim grammar guide sections in there) than i am in actually reading the grammar guide. And obviously these example sentences in the memrise deck would teach me more if i CLEARLY understood why they’re like how they are. which i... need to read the grammar guide section to understand lol.

my goal rn with japanese is? to get further in the nukemarine LLJ decks than i did last time. I’ve already mildly accomplished that (have done officially MORE of the tae kim section than before, have NOT redone the 190 common words i did last time i did this though). there are about 400 more cards in this tae kim section (LLJ 4) and then 1000ish cards in the common word section (LLJ 5). I would love to get them done. 

it would be sweet if i could get them done before April 22?/24? whenever Nier Replicant comes out because then I could play that baby in english and japanese! Then Nier Automata! ToT The Entire thing that kicked me back into wanting to study japanese was my old love for certain video games and desperately wanting to know what their stories/characters are like before translation/localization. So it would be cool if I could play them a little ;-; or at least check out lets plays. 

(which, checking out the kh2 lets play has been going pretty well so far... also that part where namine says “we aren’t meant to exist” and roxas says “how could you say such a thing? even if it were true” he says in japanese like “thats brutal/harsh to say. even if its true.” ...great to know that line is equally raw and heartbreaking in japanese lol. KH2′s localization did real good on like equal vibe to original just like ‘less nuanced’ if that makes sense. also thanks to the chinese hanzi i know now watching the KH2 lets play means i can figure out a lot of noun’s writing even though i don’t catch the pronunciation... also i’m catching a lot of words that mean like ‘beautiful/good’ as in like ‘great move’ and ‘dang’ lol.)

i had to stop myself from redoing the chinese flashcards i’ve done in the past! because i get ‘into a zone’ lol. And i really don’t need to waste time redoing those 2000 cards. i also needed to stop myself from doing the hsk 5-6 cards. because realistically? i know half of them, i should just set a lot to ‘ignore’ on the computer but im too lazy, and i’m learning a lot of vocab from reading right now. i don’t need hsk words to pass any test. The words i’m learning right now in reading are a lot more applicable to the actual shows i watch/things i listen to/things i read. its more useful to me to keep reading. and also to not sidetrack my japanese lol. i have read... 39 chapters this month... this month is only half over! hanshe is truly motivating ToT it also helps the story CONSTANTLY ends on cliffhangers so i keep clicking next chapter. who knows, maybe hanshe will help me kick up my reading speed. it already shaved off 10 minutes per 20 pages - now my 20 pages are down to 30 minutes to read, which is better than a few months ago. hanshe has 155 chapters so i HOPE it speeds up my reading lol.

hanshe is increasing my vocab though, its definitely noticeable over time. and hanshe has really good repetition of vocab which helps with learning and later the payoff means i never have to look up the word in future once its learned while it remains useful to me and i keep being reminded of it. after i get bored of hanshe OR i finish it, whichever comes first, its either back to a priest novel or into another pingxie fanfic written by hanshe’s author. The author did one fanfic that’s only 33 chapters so that would be NICE to do after this one lol ToT

summary of what’s turned out to be my studying methods this month:

Japanese:

reading through grammar guides (the one yue-muffin made and tae kim’s). so just grammar explanation reading.

doing nukemarine LLJ decks (in the ACTUAL order they are in the deck to completion - last time i did like 3 per time and never finished any lol. this is bolded because it’s the primary activity i’m prioritizing). so SRS flashcards. it’s working well right now because i can just put this activity in anytime i have downtime, like when i pause shows (since we know me i gotta take a break from a show every 20 minutes lol). i am bafflingly in a flashcard mood and i’m trying to take advantage of it while i got it. 

*when i feel like it: watching kh2 lets play. so some immersion where i look up words. (and when Nier Replicant remaster releases next month I’m likely to at least a tiny bit try to play it in japanese ToT lol we’ll see)

so grammar reading, srs flashcards covering some grammar/listening/reading/vocab, and some optional immersion.

(a note: i gave up on the japaneseaudiolessons for now because i got bored. its a great resource! i just don’t feel like it right now. and from an efficiency perspective, nukemarine LLJ decks cover vocab, grammar, audio, reading - so I don’t need another resource for that right now).

Chinese:

reading through hanshe. so immersion reading, intensive reading looking up unknown words. (unknown words are happening less so its getting less ‘intense’ lol)

listening to Chinese Spoonfed Audio. so listening to audio flashcards. for building up listening comprehension/repetition to pick up some more common words. (i’ve been doing this during daily walks making it much easier for me to consistently do, doing it mainly to supplement the Reading Heavy study i’m doing, i can drop this and pick it up later if i want since its mostly easy background listening)

*I am slowly rereading the grammar guide on www.chinese-grammar.com for explicit grammar clarification. but this is not a high priority, since I sort of implicitly understand a lot of this and i’m not working on fixing production mistakes yet. i just... miss knowing wtf is going on in the grammar lol.

*when i feel like it: Listening Reading The Glass Maiden/Love and Redemption Novel. I’ve done 2-3 hours of it this past week, but i don’t know when or if I’ll just stop. Thankfully l-r is beneficial somewhat even if i switch up books later. i WANT to L-R you have no idea (to Silent Reading and Guardian REALLY badly lol). But its so time intensive, and requires a lot of focus, and i have to really plan to do it for an hour at a time usually. I am so bad at doing stuff for that long consistently. I was in the mood earlier this week! ToT 

*when i feel like it: watching chinese shows raw. I was super in the mood this month because Word of Honor came out, and Killer and Healer came out, and Rattan came out, and I didn’t want to wait for subs. As a result I watched a LOT of raw episodes this month. However, english subs have caught up and since I’m lazy I’m inclined to just watch the subs - especially since youku ITSELF just put english subs on their most-ahead viewing schedule version of the eps on youku vip. so guess who’s buying youuku vip today? -3-)/ That said... even if I stop for a while, if Rattan subs move too slow I’ll probably watch those raw. And as SOON as 2ha’s drama Immortality drops I am highly likely to watch the raws for that since I likely won’t be able to wait. Watching shows is pretty highly dependent on how much I want to watch something and if subs take a while lol. 

so reading, and listening. and a little listening-reading method too. mainly just working on reading, listening, vocab acquisition. chinese is going good - for a few months now i’ve just had the plan ‘read often while looking up unknown words, and add some listening study activity when i have time.’ It’s simple, and its been working well.  later on down the road i’ll need some explicit grammar clarification again, but this is bare bones enough of a study plan at the moment. i’m clearly picking up words and phrases and hanzi at a reasonable pace. its not the Fastest obviously, but it is causing improvement over time and since i’m enjoying it i see no reason to change it up.

ending things

...who knows WHY i am so well focused this month with so much energy... tbh... i track how many chapters i read a month/audio i listen to/show episodes i watch etc, and this month is like as much as 3 other of my usual months combined. also my japanese has been basically ‘dabbling only’ prior to this month.

 although... maybe in part its how i’ve gotten better at reading hanshe? Reading being easier certainly motivates me TO read more. And watching shows was MUCH easier this month (still not ‘easy’ but following the main plot is) which definitely makes me Want to watch more. Also i am... unbelievably motivated by a challenge. I think i got it in my head that i ‘really want to do more of Nukemarine’s LLJ courses and see how much i understand after them’ and now... i really want them DONE. so maybe the current things motivating me will hold out for a while. 

(On the listening-reading front meanwhile, that activity takes SO much concentration its hard to do if i’m tired, BUT i have so many TRANSLATED novels i want to read recently and honestly its fun hearing the chinese narration and audiobook actors so like... i very much Want to do l-r so i can hear them as i read the translation... immovable object of me tired versus how much i’m interested in them lol ToT).

also thank u thank u @a-whump-muffin for sending me those lets plays because honestly it got me so excited again and its so cool to see them!!! <3 <3 and its so much easier to watch them versus committing to playing a whole game myself just yet ToT 

[vanityloves]

🎫 here's a gush pass! feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other selfshippers!

oh man, thank you jsjsj ive gotten a few of these but ive been too anxious to actually go off ab my f/o but, lets fucking gooooo!

can i talk ab the actual animation of the source material is that allowed?

they gave us this but we ended up with

WHICH LISTEN- I enjoy n love regardless. I just find the contrasts in phases fascinating and funny. I loved his appearance in phases 1 and 2; what a fucking iconic character design. The animation is so endearing and amazing- the thicker lines, the fluidity, the range. Like the first gif that shows the vibrations of the vehicle in his shoulders/shirt? The simplistic art style was nice and even if hes Hard On The Eyes, I'm like 🥴 ok ugly ❤.

Not like the newer mvs are any less quality content - its nice to see the use of thick and thinner lines and there's definitely a different feel to it - more child friendly or easy going? Idk how to explain it. Murdoc as a character is still very, Not Child Friendly, and Im always like :cursed emoji: when someone says that their 14 year old watches their videos like help, his dick is out in at least 3 dif vids (censored ofc but man).

They definitely lost me after the 4th phase though and many people argue that the band/music lost its meaning, which i can honestly agree with (esp when they didnt name officially name 4, 5 and 6. Im p sure ppl refer to 4 as We Are Still Humanz).

I was never an avid/active fan of keeping up with the characters and didnt really think they had any story anyways, i was like "feel good inc is sexy. melancholy hill's a banger" so honestly, finding out that these apes actually have lore was fun.

Murdoc being the given this tragic backstory made my eyes Zoom, and ofc I was like "oh youre funny looking and sad. I want you ♡." In a weird way, I take a lot of comfort that 'we both have shit parents' and 'no one really thought we'd amount to anything'. to be fair, i haven't accomplished anything yet, and even if hes a bunch of pixels who i know doesnt really exist, its kind of motivating bc he never gave up? A literal quote from him being "If there’s a dream in your heart, never let anyone tell you you’ve got no talent. Get out there, embarrass yourself, and prove to the world you’ve got no talent." With how many failures hes faced he never stopped trying to prove himself worthy of attention and fame and love, which is ambitious and kind of intimidating with how much confidnece he has.

Hes a complete bastard of a man and not even close to being a good person. He's definitely complicated but can be boiled down to "just an abusive asshole", which, hey, fair. I hate the way he treats 2D, its so toxic and terrible. Honestly, its inexcusable and he needs to apologize, grow and learn a LOT and god knows he needs therapy.

I think the most tragic thing ab his character is that he basically ended up like his father and to some extent, he acknowledges it. His bad habits and behaviors stem from abuse and neglect which doesnt excuse his actions but, "man hands on misery to man." I feel like theres a haunting part to his whole life - we don't know much about his mother and brother but from assuming things, I know they weren't innocent, clean, or soft spoken, let alone, kind. I think he has a "It runs in the family" mentality and gives into it bc there's no use in running from something so deeply engraved within him.

But as a man of contradiction, hes shown to care, despite "hating everything, including himself". To be short, his father was a failure and a man thats never worked for his own money, so he contradicts that and escapes that part of 'failure running in the family' by forming Gorillaz. I do think theres something way more ab his character in that regard. I think theres a lot that he needs to work on but he's escaped a part of that mindset, and his 'Plastic Beach'. I wonder what theyre gonna do with valley of the pagans thing.

I guess as a band, theyre not gonna show a lot of "behind the scenes" stuff like that. We wont know if he ever gets help, or apologizes, or even feels sorry - its up to us to decide which is a safe game to play on Their Behalf.

People are upset that hes actually cleaned up a bit and is shown to be nicer bc they miss having that disgusting, cruel man which again, I understand. He has always been the antagonist to the entire band. But as someone that likes to see people happier n mellow (or, boring) rather than doing shit and compensating for their depression, its nice to see that type of development (or downgrade, depending on how you see it).

This could be Their (read: jamie and damon) way of being lazy by making him 'mellow out w/ age' or whatever it is. It definitely seems to woobify his character and intentions but well, His Main Goal, Was To Blow Up. And Act Like He Dont Know Nobodaaayyy argargarg and guess what? He's already made it- he's successful, he's rich, he's famous, he's adored. Now what? Maybe this is just his way of taking it easy from here on out - who knows.

Gorillaz definitely took a turn after all the brand deals so it lost its meaning (since one of the phases had a 'fuck capitalism' message) and with that, Murdoc is no longer allowed to be the stank bitch hes was always meant to be, no more obvious sex and drugs, for the new gen 🥴 ironically a lot of songs 'today' are always complained ab being ab sex, drugs, and whatever, but they def needed to step on the breaks when Money/Companies got involved. So here we have The Wigglez 😌💕

ANYWAYS, I LOVE HIM LOTS, HAVING MANY THOUGHTS

[ironmansuuucks]

Like Father Like Daughter - Part 5

dewey finn x stark!daughter reader

Hello all! So here we have part 5 of this lil dewey finn x stark!daughter series! i like this chapter better than the last one and it’s kinda sweet so yeah! this chapter is a continuation from the last and finally we get some happiness yeaayy! let me know if it was ok!

words: 2600

warnings: angst, drinking, swearing, lil bit of fluff

The kiss was intense. The kind that leaves you bewildered, forgetting where you are… the only thing you can concentrate on is the rhythmic movement of two. Your hands were in his hair, and his around your waist. What was going on? He tasted like tequila. It tasted good. Familiar almost. But you could tell he was drunk.

You had pulled away from him, lips lingering, ghosting over one another. “I can’t believe I found you” you fluttered. Dewey was less than coherent. He’d had way too much to drink and you tell by the way his eyes were glassy, and lazy. His movements were stumbled, and uncoordinated.

Suddenly Dewey’s hands slowly dropped away from holding you and he stepped back slightly, his eyebrows furrowed, looking at you coldly. “y-you used me” he slurred, the hurt creeping out in his voice, and visible in his expression.  Guilt crept up in you, filling your whole being. “Dewey I’m sorry” you pleaded, but he shook his head, his eyes glistening with threatening tears as he realised who you were. The girl who crushed him. The girl he couldn’t get his mind off of. The girl who broke him. “y-you have no idea w-what you’ve done t-to me” he was crumbling.

You grabbed his hand “Dewey listen I really am sorry- I’ve changed!”. Dewey pulled his hand from yours. “you were like, th-the girl of my dreams. So smr-art, pretty, and this co-ol rock chick- but yo-you used me”. Ouch. That hurt. You could feel embarrassment and shame in the pit of your stomach, your insecurities creeping back up and spinning in your head. Tears threatened to spill. You didn’t need this right now. You were getting better. Trying. But that person was you at one point, you had done that so many times to different boys, but not Dewey. He was different. The only one who was different, and you ruined it. You looked into his eyes, and for a split second he looked back but shifted them to the side, crushed. He was too drunk to understand your apology, and he was too hurt. You know what they say, a drunk mouth speaks a sober mind. He couldn’t even pretend to be ok.

Maybe you should just get him back to his friends and you could phone your dad to pick you up. A tear escaped your eye, and you wiped it away as soon as it spilled “where are your friends Dewey?”. He shrugged, too drunk to know or care. “mm going to get an-nother drink” he stumbled to the bar. You followed him, not wanting him to get left alone. Dewey sniffled. Ordering another three tequila shots. You had no idea who his friends even were, or what they looked like. You lay your elbows on the bar and put your head in your hands, not knowing what to do.

Dewey slammed back another three tequila shots. He was about to order another three when suddenly the lights came on and everyone was being ushered out. Where the hell were your friends never mind Dewey’s? was it really half 3 already? Dewey was stumbling behind you as you were pretty much pushed out the door. Fuck what were you going to do? Once you were outside, Dewey had leaned against the wall, sliding down it to sit on the ground. He put his head in his hands “imma be sii-ick”. Fuck. “no Dewey your fine.. your fine!” you knelt next to him and rubbed his back. “where do you stay Dewey? Where’s your apartment?” you tried to encourage him, but he simply moaned in reply. he was way too fucked to be left himself. What if he got lost? What if he choked on his vomit in his sleep? You couldn’t leave him. “w-why am I so stupid” Dewey cursed himself, his hands running through his hair, head between his legs, trying not to vomit. You felt terrible, having no idea the effects that night had on him. Tears pouring down your face you took out your phone and started to phone your dad. Dewey would just have to come and stay at Stark tower. You couldn’t leave him here in the cold.

Pacing the pavement where Dewey was sat, you kept looking down the street, waiting to see that black merc pull up. It only took Tony roughly 6 minutes to get here in that thing. C’mon, C’mon… Finally! The sweet purring of the merc’s engine came roaring up the street and rolled up next to you on the pavement. You had yet to tell your dad about Dewey.

“right hon, get in, how was your night?” Tony rolled down his window, looking at you, your arms folded, trying to stay warm. “uhhmmm” you replied, moving to the side so Tony could see Dewey sitting on the ground, head in his hands. Tony squinted his eyes, before realising what was going on “oh you’ve got to be kidding me, nuh-uh, y/n- no!”.

You rolled your eyes, “dad listen to me, he’s fucked up, I don’t know where his friends are, or where he lives? And I can’t just leave him here!”. Tony sighed “I thought we were over picking up strays? get in”. He revved the engine.

You huffed, “dad, how would you feel if someone left me on the pavement like that?”. Tony looked at you, then at Dewey. “fine, get him in the car, but he’s sleeping in the guest room”. you grinned and kissed your dad on the cheek, “see, Tony Stark does have a heart”.

* * * * *

Dewey had no idea where he was. This was probably the most drunk he had ever been. He just wanted to sleep, and forget the world. “w-where am I” he slurred as you and Tony took him into Stark Tower, you had one of his arms over your shoulders and Tony had the other. You were now completely sober. Dewey was not.

“it’s fine dude you’re doing great” you assured him. you had attempted to push your feelings to the back of your mind. You didn’t need your dad to see you upset again. “yikes if anyone heard this they’d think we trying to kidnap and murder the guy ‘you’re doing great’?” Tony joked. You forced a small laugh. You still felt guilty. Poor Dewey.

As you approached the lounge, Dewey realised where he was. “oh my god, this is the cool place with all the g-guitars!” he pointed to the guitars in awe. You laughed lightly. Dewey suddenly looked up at Tony. “and h-hey! Its i-ironm-man!”. Tony rolled his eyes. “hey hey, if ironm-man and the silver surr-fing dude teamed up guess w-what they’d be?” Tony sighed. “they’d be alloys” Dewey killed himself laughing. Tony let his arm go “yep never heard that one”. Tony looked at you “where’d you find these guys?”. You smirked at him.

“right, I’ll make you both a coffee and I’ll bring him some water aswell”. You nodded, still holding Dewey. “ugh dad about him sleeping in the guest ro-“ tony cut you off. “yeah no you can put him in your room, but you have to keep an eye on him y/n. We don’t need a corpse on our hand. Just make sure he lies on his side.”

“she’s got eyes, of the bluest skies and if they thought of rain…” Dewey began to sing to himself as he put his head on your shoulder, his eyes closing with tiredness. You smiled at him sadly. “I better get him laid down and to sleep” you looked at your dad sighing. “at least he’s got a good music taste” Tony joked. You scoffed “you’re not wrong there”. “I never am sweetie” Tony winked.

You were about to take Dewey to your room before you turned to your dad “hey dad, do you think you could grab a bottle of mum’s secret hang over cure for our new buddy?”. Tony pretended to act shocked “you’re willing to give up some of our secret stash for a stranger?” you giggled. “This guy’s no stranger dad. He’s different. Trust me. You would love him. Mum would have as well.” You looked down.

Tony felt his eyes water, but he had to keep his cool in front of his daughter. He hadn’t heard you talk about someone like that ever. It warmed him because maybe this meant you were finally getting better. “sure thing kiddo, I’ll leave it on the bed side table. I’ll maybe even be so kind as to leave you a bottle there aswell.” he smiled. “thanks dad”. Dewey was just about sleeping on your shoulder, still mumbling the words to Sweet Child of Mine.

When you eventually got Dewey to your room he lay on the bed and began to fall asleep. You had managed to get his shoes off and his trousers as you decided that was best. Your dad came in and left the goods on the coffee table, handing you your mug. Dewey was passed out on the bed. “enjoy babysitting” your dad joked as he left the room.

* * * * *

For the most part it was fine. Until around 5:30 when Dewey suddenly jerked his head up “im going to be sick”. You had been scrolling through your phone but jumped into action when he startled you. “here follow me” you got up off the bed, but Dewey fell as he tried to get up “ow”. You rushed over to him and pulled him up “where the fuck am i-“ Dewey almost threw up. You rushed him to the bathroom where he fell to his knees and vomited in the toilet. You rubbed his back “it’s ok, you’ll be ok”.

Dewey sat up and leaned against the bath. He looked up at who he was with and his heart sunk. What the fuck was he doing here? “wait.. wait I don’t understand, how did I get here?” he began to panic. “hey listen it’s fine, I bumped into you in the bar tonight and you were too wrecked to be left yourself”. Dewey started talking to himself “what’ve I done? Why did I do this? what does wrecked mean?” you looked at him and furrowed your eyebrows, confused.

“listen Dewey, I don’t know if this is the best time to tell you this but I wanted to apol-“ he cut you off “wait did we have sex?” he was still panicking. Had he made the same mistake again? “ugh, no I wouldn’t do that to you, I don’t want to hurt you-“ “hurt me?” he cut you off again. “it’s a bit late for that.” All you could feel was the shame and guilt in the pit of your stomach.

Dewey felt embarrassed, but he had to let out how he was feeling. Although, all he could think about was how beautiful you looked in your over sized t shirt and bed head.

“you really hurt me y/n”. you looked down and fiddled with the hem of your t-shirt. “I know Dewey, I know. And I really can’t apologise enough for it. I really was a dick. I had so many issues that I hadn’t dealt with and it really turned me into a mean person. But I really didn’t mean for you to get hurt…” you looked up at him with tears in your eyes. “I really didn’t. you were this new hope when I met you that night. Like no one I’d ever come across before. This beacon of light. And.. and I ruined it and for that I’m so, so, sorry Dewey.” Your eyes darted back down “and I totally understand if you wanna get up and leave and never see me again-“ suddenly Dewey grabbed your hand. Your breath hitched in the midst of your tears and you looked up at him.

“never see you again? y/n you’re the only thing I’ve been able to think about for the past four months. sure you hurt me, and it’s taken its toll on me.. but you had a beautiful soul. I just kept thinking that maybe I had brought out another part of you.. maybe there was someone under that charade.. because she would be a beautiful person.” He looked into your eyes, sympathetically. Dewey knew that there was more than what he had scratched on the surface. He didn’t tell you that, but he knew it. And he knew that when it was stripped away, someone truly amazing was there and waiting.

“I really am trying to fix myself, I promise. I’m not how I used to be. I’ve stopped going out as much, I take better care of myself.. I thought I was fixed until I bumped into you tonight and I realised that there was something missing.” Dewey smiled at you sweetly and wiped the tear from your face. He wasn’t sure if he was still drunk and was half dreaming this, or if he would feel different in the morning.. but right now he didn’t care. The thing he had been thinking about for four months was sat in front of him.

“you know, my mum used to have this saying ‘wits fur ye’ll no go by ye’ and it means, things that are meant to be, won’t pass by you.. and it’s how I feel when I’m with you Dewey…”. You looked him in the eyes and he looked back, adoringly. Dewey went to kiss you, was he still drunk? Or was this is heart talking, stuffing his mind with a sock in its mouth. But you pulled away “no.. I don’t want you to think I’m the same person I was.. I want to do this properly.” you exclaimed. Dewey looked up at you and raised his eyebrows, smiling. It was probably the only time he would ever be happy being rejected from a kiss.

You stand up, and pull him up with you. “c’mon, lets head to bed.. we can talk more in the morning when I’m sure you aren’t still drunk” you laugh lightly. Dewey smiles and follows you to the bed. In the beginning, you both lay on separate sides of the bed, but insecurities begin to creep in. “thank you for bringing me in.. and I’m sorry you had to deal with me..” Dewey admitted as he fiddled with the bed sheets. You turned to face him, “don’t be sorry, I’m just glad I found you and you didn’t end up on your own”.

The atmosphere was comfortable. It felt as if you had known one another for a long time. “I just.. I just feel like sometimes I’m not good enough…” Dewey opened up. Your heart broke. You knew exactly how this felt and it was a nasty, cold thought that haunted the majority of your life. You opened your arms out and welcomed Dewey into your embrace “come rest your bones next to me”. He looked over at you, and slowly moved over to you. You put your arms around his neck and he around your waist. You squeezed him tight. “everything will be ok.. if you wanna talk, I’m here. It’s what the wee hours are for”. Dewey furrowed his eyebrows “where the hell do you get your phrases? Wee hours? Come rest your bones next to me? What was the one earlier?... Wits fur ye…” you chuckled, “wits fur ye’ll no go by ye?” you finished. Dewey laughed “yeah those ones”.

You sighed heavily “they actually come from my mum.. she was Scottish…”.

(Fun Fact, I am actually Scottish!!)

Tags: @large-unit​ @thewolfisapartofmysoul​ @little-miss-shy-goth​ @paxenera​ @heknowshisherbs​ @missihart23​ @a--1--1--3​ @geminiacally​ @go-commander-kim​ @slowly-dying-of-boredom @gegehaddock​ @baby-beej​ @sadpuppetshows​

[pantsusnifferr]

I’m gonna be hella honest here, 2020 wasn’t the drastic life changing year i had hoped it’ll be.

Now its a tradition, well maybe, not really. Who knows...

Let’s start with the goals which ive accomplished in 2020 yeah?

Have less regrets Live more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone Be hardworking, be brave Work hard for the company Rekindle ties to the ones important to me Start working on my YouTube channel for company Study hard Be more confident, be more social Be a nicer and kinder person

Yes i definitely have had lesser regrets overall, i learnt that listening to that gnawing feeling in my gut is one of the few things that will lead me to get less regrets. Perhaps that’s an indication of something that you really want on the inside. Many times this year i just took a leap of faith and made decisions on the fly, going out of my way many times just to do the things i wanted to do. The me a year ago would never have done any of these things, let alone spend any money or time into such ‘frivolous’ activities.

Lets go through some of the highlights for my accomplished goals.

1. Bought Airshow tickets on impulse and rented camera lenses just because i had a shot i wanna get. 

Ended up getting that money shot and feeling pretty accomplished. It was nice to meet up and connect with fellow aviation enthusiasts and friends from my Air Force days, but i still felt like i didn’t fit in. Oh well, i didn’t regret anything. I set my mind to a thing i thought would be fun and challenging and i did it!

2. Trespassing into the green corridor for an assignment during the circuit breaker 

haha...Definitely isn’t worth the trouble in the end due to shitty unusable footage and total lack of input when it comes to the editing process. BUT STILL, the feeling of walking through thick jungle and jumping over construction barricades and barriers in the middle fo some goddamn forest just to get some footage is an experience nonetheless! Shitty teammates, good thing we managed to pull through and made some friends along the way. Wasn’t worth it, but i didn’t regret the experience one bit.

3. Got into more active activities with an open mind. 

Went to the gym with friends a lot more and tried to lead a healthier lifestyle, cycling, hema classes (more about that in a bit) The me from a couple of years ago would definately never give this idea a shot. Running at least once a week, keeping track of my health, all these made me feel a lot better. I should really get into it more though.

4. Hema classes
. 

Never thought swinging swords around can be that much fun! And i almost didn’t want to show up because i had a sudden surge of social anxiety in the morning before. Glad i powered through that to get to that class that october aternoon. I was mostly on autopilot, depressed and wanting more...but for the last few months of the year, hema classes gave me something to look forward to, and this really changed up my entire outlook then. I suppose having a newfound hobby you never knew you liked changes people for the better.

5. Going out of my way many many times just to help out a friend. Or just to hang out. 

I remember being too lazy to go out and have fun. Too lazy to wanna get up to get something done even with friends. Installing internet access points, cleaning up rooms, setting up laptops etc. Perhaps its the large amount of FOMO i’ve started to develop, or maybe its just me sick of being a sad loney wreck. Who knows, all i know is its a blessing to have friends and i am so glad that they’re willing to give me their time of the day as well.

6. Making videos for work. 

I didn’t HAVE to do this. Autopilot at work is a scary thing, its my own company and i could’ve done so much more... but i didn’t... or rather i couldn’t. I don’t remember what came over me and how i manage to find the willpower to shoot the videos then edit them over a few days. And i have no idea how i managed to actually follow through with it and get the damn thing edited. Not my proudest work, but damn am i proud of myself for actually doing the thing!

7. Keeping at it for school and not giving up.

Statistics, the killer module. Logistics, another killer one. I studied so so hard for it, i thought i was going to fuck it up like how i fucked up my assignments. But I am so so so glad that it paid off. Taking days of work to study is the correct move and i am so glad i had the discilpine to stick with it. Haha discilpline i said, more like letting the panic set in untill i find myself studying as if my life depended on it. But still, an A and a B+ feels really great though. My first A, that’s still something to celebrate for! Thanks for helping, you know who you are!

8. Giving more of a shit for my company

Im a little undecided about whether i should put this under the part about having no regrets. I am happy with the money and growth we’ve got in our company, alongside the many happy customers ive got, I still somehow felt that i have struggled so much and had a lot more anxiety and stress as compared to the previous years. Perhaps i just need to chill. Although i don’t doubt the fact that taking more responsibility does indeed make things less mundane. Appreciate the increase in pay and bonuses though.

9. Spent quality time with family

I used to have this feeling whenever i am around my cousins, these are the people whom i’ve grown up wit,h and who i used to consider really close friends. I just felt that over the years we have just became different people altogether. They’re normies with normal hobbies, living their lives normally and successfully while im just a weird outsider.

Im somewhat glad that we managed to find some common ground in gaming and our talking sessions. Attending their wedding is a weird feeling but im still somewhat glad that a part of them is still the same on the inside. We might not be as close anymore but im still happy that they treasured the times and memories we had just the same as i did. Lets hope i’ll not fuck it up and i’ll need another chance to rekindle this relationship. Still, them being more successful in life and work still gives me this crazy inferioty complex around them.

Talking with my mom has given me a lot of peace of mind. I am so glad that I have a responsible parent and business partner who shares the same values as i do. Makes things a lot less stressful to know that she’s got my back.

10. Became more social

Yep, went out of my comfort zone many times to talk to people and help out when i could! Its always good to do the kind thing and reach out, when i’d just brush it off as someone else’s problem previously. I am really proud of myself for this.

Now for the goals ive failed. Start work on my personal YouTube channel Join the weeb club to find more gamer weeb friends Learn weeb speak Be healthy Learn 2 songs on bass guitar or ukulele Draw at least once a month (I did but they’re not completed art)

Oof, i don’t know perhaps its the lack of time or the lack of effort. Maybe i’ve been putting in so much effort into the other things i don’t have the mental energy to process these. Perhaps i don’t want it bad enough...

Art and drawing in particular has been really bad. I want to be good at drawing so badly but i really just can’t be arsed to practice. Music too.

I think i am definately healtheir than before but i am nowhere near where i should be. Gotta step up!

Now here’s what i wanna do for the next year

Keep healthy, Lose weight! Be even more social! Start work on personal youtube channel Learn ONE SONG on any instrument Draw at least twice in the next year! Live even more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone more! Be hardworking, be brave

[valkavavaart]

hi im bored so im doing an oc thing

i decided i wannan do this w multiple soooo im going wwww ophelia, alice, and beatrice thats all bye

1. how easy is it to make them angry? do they show their anger or hide it?

ophelia - it's kinda easy to get under her skin, and she holds a grudge so if u piss her off then she won't forget it. but also she doesn't really ACT on grudges, she'll just be a little rude next time u talk to her. she doesnt really show much emotion but does kind of having a permanent :| or >:| on her face, so she'll look annoyed even if she isn't...

beatrice - generally just being rude or annoying will make her mad, but she gets over things within seconds and doesn't take people all that seriously to begin with, so it's not like pissing her off will do much. she'll be like pouty and tell u to knock it off, but she also doesnt rlly care

alice - it's difficult to make alice mad. like you have to be SO annoying or hurt him in such a drastic way for him to get pissed. usually when hes mad hes still all smiley and happy tho so he'd kinda just be >:)

2. do they believe in soulmates

ophelia - she believes in them in the sense that one person may have multiple people that can come into their lives and be considered a soulmate bc nothing is permanent and blah blah blah she doesnt rlly care tho

beatrice - she doesn't believe in soulmates but enjoys soulmate au fanfiction

alice - he definitely believes in soulmates and fate drawing people together, but is conistantly disappointed when he finds out people he like arent destined to stay with him

3. do they have any pet peeves?

ophelia - people with no concept of personal space (unless theyre like merrick or one of her close friends)

beatrice - ppl who eat w their mouth open

alice - the sound of violins

4. do they have a happy place? somewhere they go in their heads when they need to relax?

ophelia - oph just goes to the library man

beatrice - she doesnt need one bc shes always vibing

alice - when the man needs to relax hes either drunk as hell or hanging out with as many friends as he can get together, spending time alone with his thoughts is literally a nightmare for alice

5. at what stage of their life were they the happiest?

ophelia - the current stage of her life

beatrice - there hasnt been a stage where beatrice hasnt had fun :) she doesnt have anything to worry about!

alice - the current stage of his life

6. at what stage of their life were they the least happy

ophelia - the ages of 12-17

alice - any time he gets to the point in a relationship where he breaks up w someone and then he goes into "my life sucks wahhhh" mode for a few months

7. at a bar are they more likely to buy someone a drink, or have someone buy them a drink?

ophelia & beatrice - have someone else buy them a drink

alice - buy someone a drink

8. have they ever broken any bones? if yes, how?

ophelia - when her powers manifested at the age of 12, oph lost the ability to feel physical pain which lead to her straining herself more. she'd get into accidents or push herself too hard because she couldn't feel that it hurt and wold get injured through that (and she still does, but she has more knowledge of her limits now) so i guess she wouldve broken some bones through stuff thanks to that.

beatrice - never ever broken a bone!! she drinks a lot of milk to keep her bones STURDY :)

alice - has broken like his arm or fingers or just anything in that area due to a fight or something. he'll probably have broken a leg at some point too. again, probably in a fight. or maybe he fell out a tree. who knows.

9. do they have any memories/experiences they'd rather forget?

ophelia - she generally wants to brush most of her teen years away and forget things relating to her family, but also cant bring herself to hate them despite how garbage they are, so,

beatrice - there are probably a few conversations she's had with alice and percy that she's like to never remember ever again

alice - he cherishes all his memories, good or bad! he always thinks that he can learn from his mistakes and hardships! even though all he does is repeat the exact same things over and over and o

10. what is their favourite memory from their childhood?

ophelia - although her parents have always been cold to her, they used to go camping when she was about 9-10ish, and she always enjoyed spending time with her siblings around then.

beatrice - in the method she had been created she technically never was a child um. but in her early life, she enjoyed hanging out with levi! :D

alice - haha

11. do they have a "type" that they are usually attracted to?

ophelia - no

beatrice - bea will generally befriend anyone if theyre cute or theyre like her guy friends. as for a partner, she wants someone thats at LEAST a head taller than her normal form (her regular form is 5'5"), they need to be someone that likes hugs, someone who would coddle her, someone who would cosplay with/for her, someone who would buy her things..

alice - his "type" is just "someone interesting", but he thinks all people are interesting in their own right- you have to be SUUUUUUPER boring for him to not be into you in some way.

12. do they have any favourite possessions?

ophelia - ALL her alien plushies (most of which were gifts from merrick)

beatrice - everything inside her wardrobe

alice - cleaver

13. do they have any tattoos? if no, would they ever consider getting one?

ophelia - she doesn't have any, and doesn't really want one, but she's seen some real cool space ones, and--

beatrice - tattoos vanish when she changes her form unless she focuses REALLY hard on keeping it there, so she's given up on trying to get one to be permanent.

alice - he doesn't have any, but thinks that getting a sleeve would be cool. he doesn't have any idea for what he wants, though, so he hasn't bothered getting one. he also gets worried that if he gets one of his current aesthetic, he'll get bored of it and have to do something drastic to remove it.

14. do they have any piercings? if no, would they ever consider getting any?

ophelia - has her ears pierced

beatrice - doesn't want piercings, wears clip-on earrings

alice - wants a tongue piercing r belly-button piercing maybe.. and ear piercing might also be cool...

15. what is their dream house like?

ophelia - she'd like to live in a small town on the coast or something.. she doesn't really mind living in a small house since it'd just be her and merrick. but also if she had a house with an observatory, she'd love that a LOT. generally just wants somewhere nice and laid back.

beatrice - due to her void realm taking the form of whatever she wants, she has her dream home! it's literally just an apartment with a few rooms, but it has enough space for all the stuff she wants.

alice - he's in a similar position to Beatrice in that he already has his own dream place bc teehee void realm. He's a little more selfish in that he gave himself a big house with lots of space and rooms for him to fill with stuff- but also he wanted somewhere big so that all his friends could stay with him :)

16. what is something about them that people would not expect just by looking at them?

ophelia - UHHH just how lazy she is, probably.. woman barely tolerates having to jog somewhere please let her sit down

beatrice - idk probably the fact she befriends murder boys like alice

alice - all the music he listens to is like crazy frog and caramelldansen

17. how good are they at choosing gifts for others?

ophelia - she'll either just outright ask you what you want, or she'll give you money or a gift card, she doesn't like having to guess for people

beatrice - she literally picks gifts for other people based on what SHE likes.. like she'll get u something cause she tinks it's cute it doesn't matter if u've ever mentioned it before

alice - if ur his friend then he will have a list of all ur interests in the back of his brain at all times and does a pretty good job picking out gifts thanks to that

18. do they have a certain skill that they're particularly proud of?

ophelia - she's very good at researching things and digging up information that a lot of people can't find so she thinks that's kind of epic for her

beatrice - she's good at dancing, video games, and memorizing things. she will show off these skills as much as she can.

alice - umm... eyeball removal...?

19. how would a stranger they just met describe them?

ophelia - UHHHH... she's just polite to strangers so i think she'd be described as just that?? she doesnt really leave lasting impressions on people

beatrice - cute, bubbly, maybe super annoying

alice - friendly? :D

20. how would a close friend they've known for a long time describe them?

ophelia - kinda stupid but really cute

beatrice - just a lil ray of sunshine :)

alice - if you're asking like.. kai or beatrice then it's "he's cute and fun and pretty and nice to hang out with!!" but if youre asking like percy or nero then its "hes creepy and gross and im gonna beat his ass"

[usercass]

50 Question Tag

yeah im making this a seperate post or it'll be waaayyy too long but thank you for the tag!! @apatheticanvas67482

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

i dont actually own a hairbrush.....

2. Name a food you never eat

cooked carrots, love them raw but i cannot i will gag

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

too warm i will keep my fan on in the winter bc id rather bundle up

4. What were you doing 45min ago?

facetiming my fam i miss them so much 😭

5. Favorite candy bar?

uhh prob symphony bar

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game?

once i think i was 6 or 7 and it was a seattle mariners game and i hated it

7. What is the last thing you said outloud?

either love you bye to my fam or saying hello to my cat

8. Favorite ice cream?

lotta sweet questions i dont eat a lot of sweets but ummmm this specific huckleberey ice cream in my college town

9. What is the last thing you had to drink?

water always i drink water religiously

10. Do you like your wallet?

yeaaahhh its a mans wallet but i like it bc i like small purses

11. What is the last thing you ate?

currently eating hot cheetos while doing this...

12. Did you buy any new clothes last week?

i bought my bridesmaids dress for my sisters wedding :):):)

13. What's the last sporting event you watched?

probably the last game i worked in sports medicine in high school which was probably baseball

14. Favorite flavor of popcorn?

some of these are such obscure questions but ummm idk classic salt and butter

15. Who is the last person you sent a text to?

My bro as usual hes my best friend

16. Ever go camping?

oh hell yea my family has gone camping at least once every year since before i can remember but thats pretty common on the west coast i think

17. Do you take vitamins?

seriously what are these questions no i dont and dont come for me

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship?

yes ma'am can i get a hallelu

19. Do you have a tan?

nooo im pasty

20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza?

probablt chinese bc variety and ragoons

21. Do you drink soda out of a straw?

not exclusively

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

black always and forever

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

i aint no wuss

24. What terrifies you?

things i cant control especially people's preception of me

25. Look to you left what do you see?

my florence + the machine shirts hung up on my dorm wall bc im too lazy to decorate

26. What chore do you hate the most?

dusting i hate having to move shit, dust, then move it back

27. What do you think when you hear an australian accent?

who came up w these i wanna know why australlian specifically

but nicole kidman

28. What is your favorite soda?

uhhhhhhhh baja blast

29. Do you go inside fast food places or use the drive thru?

drive thru

30. What is your favorite number?

currently its the gas rate constant .08206 bc fuck chemistry but i like that number

31. Last person you talked to?

fam already established

32. Favorite cut of beef?

this is a no beef house we tryna destroy the beef industry thank you

33. Last song you listened to?

it was hamilton.... but i said that last tag game so imma say the one before that which was Les Amours Dévouées by Cœur De Pirate

34. Last book you read?

if webtoons and textbooks dont count Inside the Criminal Mind

35. Favorite day of the week?

probably sunday bc i love going to church and chilling w the fam

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

i actually can i learned in middle school so i could flex

37. How do you like your coffee?

i like it just the right amount of sweetness and bitter and nutty tho ive been drinking tea more

38. Favorite pair of shoes?

prob my teeva sandals made from recycled materials and comfy af

39. Time you normally get up?

9:30-10ish if i dont have class

40. Sunrise or sunset?

now im singing fiddler on the roof i love sunrises but im rarely awake for them

41. How many blankets on your bed?

single comforter bc im always warm

42. Describe your kitchen plates

well im at college rn so theyre teal plastic disks could be a frisbee honestly

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment

again at college so its p big to accomadate 6 girls but its actually p clean all the time

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink?

i dont drink anymore but when i did i loved crown royal whiskey

45. Do you play cards?

i play card games but if you mean poker nope

46. What color is your car?

hes a gorgeous silver 2010 volvo xc60 with a peridot sticker on the side that says clod

47. Can you change a tire?

i know how to but bolts are rlly tight and idk if im strong enough

48. Favorite state?

ummm i have a fondness for washington because its where i grew up and i loooove the rain

49. Favorite job you've had?

ive only had two sooo i guess caption call we used voice to text to print what was being said on the phone so people w hard of hearing can read the convo

50. Tagging EVERYOONE bc im too much of a wuss to tag people yaaaayyy

but tag me if you do it i wanna get to know you guys

also someone teach me how to do the continue reading thing

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. I wish Rachel hasn’t used the gods to create the comic but rather turned them into human OCs. The fact that they’re rich, immortal and attractive make the stakes so damn low we don’t even have anything to genuinely fret over narrative wise.

2. WAIT I HAVENT READ LORE OLYMPUS IN A WHILE BUT DID SHE REALLY MAKE APOLLO THE SUN GOD?! STRAIGHT UP IGNORING HELIOS THE ACTUAL SUN GOD?????? How could Rachel say she did research and still choose to incorporate one of the biggest misinformations about Greek Mythos.

Look I don’t want poor Helios to be seen in Lore Olympus style if he hasn’t yet, but that’s such a simple thing to get wrong.

From OP: Both of them are still sun gods, the main issue is that RS also made Leto a sun goddess for some reason.

3. im sorry but the only distinguishing factors between literal gods and humans is that the gods are neon colors and thats it is so dumb?? like what about demi gods? how about exceptional mortals? like how can anyone compare psyche to a goddess then if shes not neon colored? also theres a ton of myths where gods are easily able to blend in with humans without changing anything because they are supposed to look like them, so how can they do that if humans are normal skin tones but the rest are neon?

4. I honestly feel like a big part of why LO is so bad is it's just way, WAY too long. The first few episodes were fast paced and kept you interested, but once it really pocked up on popularity you can see Rachel just started stretching everything out and dragged it back to a snail's pace. I'm all for a slow burn, but that shouldn't for the readers. If it was this long and there were months/years of progress in story I would excuse it, not at most a month in all this time. It's exhausting to read.

5. ok but why do even the humans in lo look so wonky? idk i think her more early abstractions with human forms was really so much better than this more realistic but also more cartoony look, it just doesnt mesh well. sure its technically cleaner looking but it starts to show the many flaws in the art than the previous look didn't. in the early look you could excuse it as coherent stylization, in this current look it just looks like rachel and her team either are very lazy, cant draw, or both.

6. also the disney hercules movie 1) never claims its myth accurate but also 2) its still just a fun movie?? LO in comparison is a self righteous slog that thinks its reinventing the wheel and is more legitimate than the actual texts all while being so wrong its not even"myth fanfic", its just a completely different story with greek names slapped on it for marketing. disney also had the good sense to not make the whole story about a dark topic, meanwhile LO is milking R//PE for a creepy romance.

7. ngl im even surprised rachel would even call hades anything zeus related because she seems so vindictive against anyone who isnt hades/persephone/hera that i would have thought she would make a point to say zeus would rather be be called "light hades" or w/e.

8. Omfg I just realized Hestia and Athena are an incestuous couple. Hestia is Hera's sister and Athena is Hera's and Zeus' daughter. Hestia is literally dating her niece. So the only non-stright couple in LO is incest. I just... how do fail this fucking badly at represenation?

Also, bc I know someone is gonna say it: Yes, incest was pretty much par for the course in Greek mythology, but in LO Rachel seems to actively want to avoid that particular aspect (which is understandable). Zeus and Persephone were orginally biological niece and uncle as well, since Persephone was the daughter of either Zeus or Poseidon and Demeter, but in LO this is retconned into Demeter making Persephone herself without a father being involved, making HxP still sketchy but not blood-related at least.

The Hestia and Athena-situation seems like a comedic mistake RS made. She hastily threw together two same-gender characters to counteract the accusations of homophobia and straightwashing and it just... backfired in the most hilarious possible way.

From OP: Athena and Hestia aren’t technically related in LO but it’s still really odd that Demeter, Hera, and Hestia come from Metis but have no relation at all to her other than she created them. Like, you’d think even Metis’ power would connect them in someway but I guess not. The three even used sisters to refer to each other (although, it was only retconned once and left in the other time) so I still their (Athena and Hestia’s) relationship weird.

9. This isnt just an LO thing but it's ironic Rachel is in that group of WT creators who went to art school and yet have some of the most subpar art i've ever seen, meanwhile the self-taught creators who went to school for medicine, engineering, comms, etc all have some of the most beautiful art i've seen in a webcomic. Anyway LO stans have to stop using the "she went to art school" excuse since it'd pretty clear she's not the only example where art degree =/= good art.

10. ok now im a bit sus about about the LO stats and tbh every other original bc i just saw an original creator say the actual numbers (esp for popular series) are all overinflated by porn and spam bots and webtoons wont get rid of them to make it look like they have more engagement and market them as more successful than they let on💀getting real tumblr will ban boobs but not the n//zi blogs energy from that info ngl

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[strangeracrossthestreet]

 tagged by THIS person who even IS THIS @corisanna

1. What is your favorite relationship type to write/read? Romantic, platonic, familial, and any subtypes.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHnggfdbhdf any kind of type really is always going to be the protective pessimist and the sunshine but guiltily also for the romantic type i also love me the demon edgelord fucks who everyone else is terrified from but is cowed into submission by their sunshine other half who can and WILL get angry at their smug demon half for being a smug lowkey asshole bastard towards their shared friends coughHomucifercough that’s a lot to crossout oops

2. How much or what kind of research do you do for your fiction? If you don’t write, has a fic ever made you curious enough to research something?

Hmmmmmmmm. I, huh. My crappy memory isn’t gonna help in this at all. Okay so fics HAVE made me google stuff on multiple occasions but straight up research? Nnnnno I don’t think so. I don’t have the mental capacity or want to do it. If i ever do “research” (and i say that oh so loosely) anything in the future because of a fic it will go as far as asking google and looking att he first thing i see for like a second bgfdjbgfdj

3. What was the first work of fiction you remember becoming completely engrossed in?

As N Approaches Infinity First work that I remember would be a PowerPuff Girls fanfiction called Misconceptions by Sandstorm3D ( @sandstorm3d is this even the right tumblr shit). Every Saturday there would be an update and it was the best thing ever! obviously sometimes it wasn’t consistent because Life be like that™ and sometimes we even got double chapter updates which was always a treat to get! Another fic that was pretty great (but which i found long after it was complete so i didnt get to be engrossed in) was Taking Responsibility by Somewei another PPG fic ugh so good. ALSO ALSO now that I’M HERE FUCK IT! Another PPG fic that is ALSO SO GOOD! SO GOOD that I’m currenty hella invested in that’s called As Time Goes By by  Carriedreamer (OH WU- OH LOOK LINKS i didnt know it worked like that i just copied their name cause i was too lazy to write it- hold on *goes back and edits the other two*). I’m stopping here or god I am 100% going to link every OTHER story I’ve ever loved 

4. What work(s) had a lasting influence on you or your writing style?

Nothing really. I get very very into stuff i like but once its over its kinda over? Nothing has really “changed my life” or just left any lasting impressions or whatever other than me being invested in it a lot while im there. Does that count??? 

5. What kind of sound environment do you prefer for writing/reading? Silent, white noise, music with/without words, sitting in a public place with the ambient noise of humanity, etc.

Music always! The problem arises then that if I can’t find the proper music for the stuff I’m reading, as in for it to have the same atmosphere as the fic (with words or not doesn’t matter) then I’m going to constantly be stopping myself in the middle of reading just so I can go on youtube and find something fitting bgfhjbgfj such a pain

6. Are you or do you like authors who are teases, in story or out?

They infuriate me! In the best way possible. Cliffhangers? Fucking murder me but god I love it. Honestly I love every kind of author bgjgfbgfjgf I just love bein’ dramatic 

7. Have you ever experienced a “the characters write themselves” or “character rebellion” mental state?

As a reader I have no idea what that is or how it works or how it feels but god does it fascinate the fuck outta me

8. Do you have a favorite franchise crossover? Like Bleach/Harry Potter, Madoka Magica/Card Captor Sakura, etc.

No sir! Same as music here, if I like it, I like it bgfhjgf As long as I know one (1) of the franchises I don’t care what the other crossover is as long as the fic is good (good to me at least, everyone is different in that regard after all gbfhjgfd opinions opinions so many opinions so many people) THO I will always lament when there ISN’T a crossover with some franchises (or just plain not enough fics for them cough Madoka/Nanoha cough THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH) I’m guilty of seeing similar characters interacting. Just wanting to see them togethere because thEY ARE SO SIMILAR BUT YET SO DIFFERENT AND DYNAMICS YES HELLO GIVE ME *coughs*

9. Do you remember anything about the first fanfic you ever read?

No I don’t but I bet you if I go on my ff.net account RIGHT NOW! and go back to the story I favored first ever, I can tell you about it. I bet im doing it. Im going. Okay so its a PPG one again (wow I really had a ppg phase i mean I DID i still do kind of? i mean n O SHAME TO ME FICS ARE FICS DAMN IT AND THEY’RE SO GOOD) Okay so I clicked it but it doesn’t ring a bell BUT IT DID REMIND ME OF ANOTHER FIC I REALLY LIKED which honestly might as well be the first one ever fuck it whatever. A PPG one of course bfjgfdnjgkfd called uh, fuck i dont remEMBER THE TITLE! But its just basically ya know when the girls in the movie fly into space? it’s a What If: Only two of them came back AND ITS A DRAGON BALL CROSSOVER KINDA ITS AMAZING AHA I FOUND IT!  Divided Paths by  mg56 .This search made me go back and god they are so good

10. Is there a work of fiction that you are annoyed doesn’t have much if any fic? Like Bizenghast.

More madoka never enough give me post rebellion shit i mean GAH stop complaining im such an ungrateful glutton I would LOVE more School Live!/Gakkou Gurashi fanfics out there. AND AND ALSO! Fucking Kannazuki No Miko PLEASE STAR CROSSED LOVERS THEY ARE ALL IN SPANISH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

11. What fictional character do you strongly identify with?

Man. I don’t really...have that feeling? I mean..I can feel for Homura and Spinel! And Sayaka too, fucking Kyoko too but i don’t have the idk like yeabfjgfjBHSDFBHFSDJ I can understand characters and their motivations I feel? But I don’t get like attached attached ya know?

[quinintheclouds]

Heyyyyyyyy quin, im gonna rant at you for a bit, because im fucking done with this bullshit!!! So, as of right now, my father's plan is to force me to redo freshman year, wether i want to or not(surprise surprise! i don't) He concluded this after taking one look at my grades from this year(four ds, one two as, two bs. not what i would consider good but thats not the poINT HERE) His exact words were "you are redoing your 9th grade year. its just a question of when." 1/idontfuckingknow

(Gonna paste the rest of your asks here. Tw: suicide mention)

Now, i, having already had a slightly toned-down version of this bloody conversation with my mother, did not have the patience for this shit. The following argument goes aproxxamately as follows,(this is a paraphrased version) beginning with me: "No. No, i already had this fucking conversation, im not redoing a year." "What POSSIBLE ARGUMENT COULD YOU HAVE for me to think so??" silence. "Do you ASPIRE to be a waitress?? Maybe a hairdresser" nothing. It only gets worse frome here. 2/??

"How much EFFORT DID YOU PUT INTO FUCKING THIS UP??" Now, lets stop here for a moment. What the fuck is my father, the man who's jizz became me, trying to pull? Anyway, my response was bewildered at best and full on APPALLED AND ENRAGED at worst: "you think i fucking- what makes you- I PUT EFFOR- THATS THESTUPIDESTSHITVIE EVERFUCKINGHEARD!??!!!! WHAT makes you think i DID IT ON PURPOSE??????" "THIS- *waves my report card in my face, wildly* MAKES ME THINK YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE." 3/4maybe5or6idk

Now, ive been trying, oh have i been trying, to get it through this man's head FOR YEARS, that i would never get bad grades on purpose. That should be a given right??? Anyway, he waves the paper in my face, and i (justly) had tears in my eyes. This is the angriest ive seen my father, which is saying a fucking lot, and hes about 8 inches from me, looking me DEAD IN THE FACE. And I have tears in my eyes. I was terrified, and im pretty sure i looked terrified. But did he care? mmmnotreally! 4/???

Ok, im not sure what else exactly he said(other than, sprinkled in there, that I manipulated my mother[no,] and that i 'couldve not shown up to class and still wouldntve done this bad') but either way, he walked away, saying "You WILL NOt be a sophomore at [my school] next year. we arent doing this again." *john mulaney voice* now, we don't have time to unpack all of that, If my father didn't give a shit about me before, he definitely doesn't now. This just fucking confirms it for me. 5/6

Actually, let me rephrase. He, no, BOTH of my parents don't give a shit about my mental health. They care about my grades because, if they turn out good, this tells them theyve done something right. They only give a shit about me if it benefits them, in that way or otherwise. This is what I've figured out. Honestly, i think im gonna have to tell him that ill fucking kill myself if im forced to redo freshman year. At this point, its the only way to get it through his head. 6/fuckigottadoonemore

And, at this point, im not even sure that if i said that, I'd be lying. In fuCKING conclusion, my parents do not give a shit. They don't give A SHIT, about how much BEING HELD BACK, is gonna FUCKING AFFECT ME, THEY JUST WANT MY GRADES TO BE BETTER SO THEY CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEM-FUCKING-SELVES. I'm done now.

_________________________________________________________

Wow, that sounds stressful as all hell... also your parents sound like mine. I can’t stand parents who put blame on their kid for their mental health or struggles. They don’t need the burden of thinking it’s their fault ON TOP OF the burden of actually dealing with that shit! Is it possible to talk to a counselor at school about not wanting to repeat the year? Those grades qualify you to move on, don’t they? I’d be as pissed as you if my dad tried to do that. It’s your education. My parents have screamed at me about grades many a time, and I FEEL your pain. The way they’re acting is unhealthy for you, and I’m so so sorry you have to go through it. Telling you your future has no potential unless you do what they say is manipulative bullshit.

"How much EFFORT DID YOU PUT INTO FUCKING THIS UP??" OH MY GOD if I had an ant for every time my parents said this to me I could make an ant colony strong enough to take over the world. It is NOT okay. Suggesting that your work is a failure in the first place is awful, but adding in that you did it on purpose is a terrible parenting excuse because they think it reflects on them. That shit will mess you up. I still struggle to remember that me having trouble with something doesn’t make it my fault. I used to believe them and blame myself for every break I took. Playing a video game? Could’ve been studying. Reading a book? Should have asked for extra credit. All of that is ridiculous and harmful to any kid or adult. Let’s get one thing clear: it is NOT. YOUR. FAULT. And another: grades are not a measurement of effort, intelligence, or worth. They’re structured poorly and the entire school system desperately needs revamping. Your future is not doomed regardless of your grades.

Your dad saying you “'couldve not shown up to class and still wouldntve done this bad'” is ABHORRENT. Telling you that you not trying at all is better than any efforts you make is just so profoundly fucked up, pardon my French. Also, completely wrong. 

“BOTH of my parents don't give a shit about my mental health. They care about my grades because, if they turn out good, this tells them theyve done something right. They only give a shit about me if it benefits them, in that way or otherwise.“ My parents are the same way. They only care about whether something makes them look good or bad. You are NOT their trophy to show off as though your achievements are their own, and you are NOT some shameful thing for them to treat poorly. You are, always have been, and always will be, your own person. 

I’m gonna use a quote from a show that hits me really hard and I feel that every child of awful parents needs to hear. “I’m... sorry. I’m sorry your parents don’t care enough. You have every right to be angry. But you deserve to be happy.” You have been through so much, and your anger is absolutely justified. And yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t be happy. You deserve better than anger. You deserve to be happy. “And I hope you can find that... even if it’s not today.”

“Honestly, i think im gonna have to tell him that ill fucking kill myself if im forced to redo freshman year. At this point, its the only way to get it through his head. And, at this point, im not even sure that if i said that, I'd be lying.” I have been there, so I’ll be 100% honest with you. If your parents are anything like mine -- and it sounds like they are -- telling them you’ll kill yourself still won’t get through to them. In fact, it might make them take you even less seriously if they see you using it as leverage. Kids of parents that don’t take mental health seriously often drive themselves further into depression as a cry for help (not by their own fault) that’s perpetuated by never being heard. I got worse and worse (tw suicide ment) and I told my parents I was having suicidal thoughts. They just saw it as lazy and selfish and overreacting. I spiraled deeper. Then, when I made an attempt, my mom was furious, screaming at me and threatening me because I could’ve messed up her gun. “If you really want to be dead, ask me and I’ll gladly do it for you. At least I know how to use a fucking gun right.”

I could go on with the rest of that story, but I’ll sum it up by saying: I got help. I got better. I realized that if they wouldn’t care about me, I would. I knew what I was feeling was real. I knew I needed help if I wanted to survive. And now, I’ve found real happiness and more stability. Mental health issues don’t go away easily, and I know it’s not the same for everyone, but working on them is so worth it. I promise it can get better. People like to think of happiness as a long-term thing, but life will always have its ups and downs... I still have down days. I won’t pretend I don’t still have a lot to work through. But I am, finally, okay. I never knew “okay” could be the default, or how okay life could be. And it’s amazing. Happy happens a lot more now, and depression is smaller and manageable. I know you’re stuck where you are for now, and may not have access to professional help. But please... Please care about yourself, even if your parents don’t. I care about you. You deserve to, too. 

I’ve had so many moments that I felt were the last straw, that I couldn’t handle any more, that I was broken or ruined or doomed, but even then I somehow managed to survive. And I can honestly say I am so, so glad that I did. Please don’t let your parents ruin that for you. It’s not your fault for where you are. And it’s not where you’ll be forever. No matter what happens in this situation, whether it’s repeating the grade or moving on to the next, I believe that you can make it through. You are so fucking strong for making it this far. I know you might not believe me, but try to trust me. You. Deserve. Better. And even if it sucks right now, you absolutely can get there.

[nyakusan]

tagged by @lovekuramas ! ty :-)

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 15 people

1. drink - tea :~)

2. 📱 call -  my mom probably

3. text - a couple of friends! (about hanging out i think)

4. song you listened to - no clue what the eng title is but its a vocaloid song cover by eve

5. time you 😢 - like this morning because the wind was blowing in my face

HAVE YOU EVER

6. dated someone twice - no 7. 😘 someone and regretted it - :-) 8. been cheated on - no

9. lost someone special - not really

10. been depressed - mmmm not really

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - underage drinking is bad!

FAVORITE COLORS

12. any sort of. dark-ish red

13. uhh??? purples

14. jade? green

15. h i dont know!

in the last year have you

16. made new friends - yes sir

17. fallen out of 💛 - :-)

18. 😂 until you 😢 - oh yes 19. found out someone was talking about you - no

20. met someone who changed you - not really hm

21. found out who your friends are - like my friends are secretly vampires or something? :~) 22. 😘 someone on your facebook friends list - No One Uses Facebook Anymore

GENERAL

23. how many friends from your fb friends list do you know irl - No One Uses Facebook Anymore

24. do you have any pets - i sure do! i have one of those black and white cats (he has a big fat mole on his nose) and his name is zorro bc the pattern on his face resembles zorro’s (the old movie character) mask

25. do you want to change your middle name - dont have one

26. what did you do for your last 🎂 - well . i played some pokemon bc my dad bought me x as my present and he made a cheesecake that he thought failed but tasted pretty good to me

27. what time did you wake up today - 7:30 :-) thank god for later school times, i usually wake up at 6:30

28. what were you doing last night at midnight - listening to some cronchy asmr 29. what is something you can’t wait for - uh?!? getting my history final/ap exam over with

30. what are you listening to right now - world.search(you) by mili ! its a banger

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - perhaps i have

32. something that gets on your nerves - when people like.......walk really slowly and in the middle of a narrow sidewalk/path/whatever, especially if theyre walking side by side god i hate that so much

33. most visited website - tumblr(?)

34. hair color - a solid black 35. long hair or short hair - short?? its like. at my armpits

36. do you have a crush on someone - hm

37. what do you like about yourself - idk? there’s nothing that i particularly like but ig........i can read music??? lmao

38. want any piercings - i might get more on my ears?? i dont think anything else would look good on me

39. blood type - cool question? uh a+

40. nicknames - i. dont know! lets say anri is a nickname since its not my real name

41. relationship status - :-)

42. zodiac - aquarius

43. pronouns - she/her

44. favorite 📺 show - uhhh no clue, i dont really watch shows these days

45. tattoos - maybe. just maybe. but i already know my parents (or mom, at least) arent into that 46. right handed or left - left

47. ever had surgery - i have had teeth surgery, if that counts

48. piercings - just the standard one on each earlobe 49. sports - oh man i used to do tennis but then i Stopped lol im lazy

50. vacation - like where i want to go? south america :D

51. trainers - you mean the shoes??? no sir i dont wear them

MORE GENERAL

52. eating - just ate some yum dinner

53. drinking - none ;-)

54. i’m about to watch - fnljsdljnflgjsd idk 

55. waiting for - uh spring break

56. want - those little moss ball things??? i Want

57. get married - that sure is a lot of commitment 

58. career - graphic designer hehe

WHICH IS BETTER

59. kisses or hugs - hugs!

60. 👄 or eyes - eyes!

61. shorter or taller - no preference!

62. older or younger - just. literally anything that isnt too much of a gap

63. nice arms or stomach - i dont care about either one?

64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - troublemaker is cool but like, dont die

HAVE YOU EVER

66. 😘 a stranger - no  

67. drank hard liquor - underage drinking is bad!

68. lost glasses - no

69. turned someone down - mnjlh? maybe not sure

70. sex on first date - no

71. broken someone’s ❤️- i have no clue.?

72. had your 💔 - again i have. no clue fjkgbfkd

73. been arrested - no

74. 😢 when someone died - never experienced someone i know dying

75. fallen for a friend - hm

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - when im eating Good? sure

77. miracles - i suppose

78. 💛 at first sight - yes? maybe? like how do u know its Love but then again, i only know how i feel about things

79. 🎅 - no

80. 😘 on a first date - no

81. angels - no

other

82. best friend’s name - uh! idk man

83. eye color - very dark brown. like on the verge of black

84. favorite movie - princess mononoke! and also coco kshkfdsf

85. favorite actor - no clue! probably no one :-)

tagging @malmaratus bc she complained about me tagging all her mutuals