#(im kidding. she really is tiring me out)
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#ugh. fuck me im so tired. im getting sucked back into that workaholic mindset and now my body hurts and my nerves are fying. but it feels#good to b productive. if only i didnt have to teach and could just work with data :-(#anyway. the last 2 weeks have been good in that i feel like im actually hitting my stride a bit#bc we're seeing cool things in our genomes and its gonna b really fun to explore. and i met with the terrifying#prof who is on my committee to pitch a project for a final in her class and it seems it went over well. it was kinda funny bc we were#meeting and she was like: so how would u tell which gene was lost 1st? the phytochrome or the genes that r triggered by activation? and i#was like: uhhhhh idk. and then my advisor walked by and she grabbed him and asked him the same question and he was like: idk we'll have to#figure it out. which made me feel way better abt not knowing lol. then my superior lab mate asked me a question abt taking confocal images#and i was actually able to figure out what her issue was. and my old advisor was asking me if i knew anyone to ask for using a pam on cyanos#and i was like: here is what i think my advisor would say and linked her a paper. then i asked my advisor and he said what i expected and#linked the paper that id already sent. so im like. ok. ok. maybe i actually sometimes do kno what im doing. sorta.#and then my old advisor said she was so proud of me. and i was like aw. its so funny bc my relationship is so different with my new advisor#hes great but its all very professional. with my old advisor i would text her after hours bc she was a workaholic like me and went on long#car rides and handed out Halloween candy with her. she was more hands on and doesnt have kids so work is her life. its just interesting#so things have been going well. but there arent enough hours in the day. and my committee meeting is in like 16 days. and i am afraid for#that but not as afraid as i was in april when i had a full on breakdown and canceled it the day before it was set to happen lol#itll b fine. i just have to work thru the weekend so i can get my preproposal done. and prey that the fucking splitstree download site will#start working bc i want to do gene networks dammit#unrelated
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You know you're a good auntie when you're combing someone else's boogers out of your hair
#ew#only real ones understand#tales from diana#my brother and sister-in-law have work today but sil's is a half-shift#so we have baby today#:)#she's taking an early nap bc she was havin me bounce her around all morning#she's been a lot more independent lately in general and not wanting to be carried around everywhere anymore#but today is a different pattern in that she keeps wanting me to bounce her on my knee or rock her back and forth#which is so much fun. so whenever i put her down or give her to her grammy and grampy#it's not long before she reaches for auntie diana again#it's a good thing im so big and strong or else a big baby like her would be really tiring me out#(im kidding. she really is tiring me out)#we're watching tom and jerry now
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Sebastian (pink hair) and Cornella (blue hair) meet as children and realize "ah, that's the kid my parents told me to avoid because of business reasons" and immediately decide "hey, we're going to be best friends and not fight". Which... in the long run helps a lot in regards to their parents companies because now the parents have to play nice around their kids.
long history below lol
So they're just bffs throughout their youth and a couple years before their high school graduation, Sebastian spots a kid with messy hair who looks really nervous. Since it's early in the year, maybe the kid needs help finding somewhere? So he goes over to offer to help him to class buuuuut the guy flinches and runs away. So Sebastian is ready to report to Cornella at lunch but she slams her hands down on the table saying "I JUST SAW THE CUTEST GUY EVER". And Sebastian puts his concerns on hold until he realizes they're about to talk about the same guy.
The duo then decide "operation befriend shy guy" and spend like an entire school year getting Matis to warm up to them. Good! Except now they're seniors and STILL both pining for the underclassman (only a grade below) and they have an agreement to not pressure Matis into any weird situations about picking between them.
Matis and Sebastian like to draw though and so one day as Sebastian is vibing and sketching Cornella while stealing glances at Matis, he decides to put little hearts around her head. It's fine, it's not weird, it's totally cool. And Matis sees and comments he must really like her and while he DOES really like her it's .... not quite like that. So he laughs it off.
The two graduate and then start to train at their parents companies while attending college and the years go on. They still sometimes think about Matis and go "wonder how he's doing" "wonder if he's more outspoken now" "wonder if he'd remember us" because they're both very normal about the lingering crush they have. Cornella walks into the building she works at one day and is going directly to her office in hopes no one sees her since she's supposed to be off when she hears her name.
"I'm not here, you didn't see me and you REALLY didn't see me if my dad's asking" is her immediate response but the guy's like 'oh, sure, understood. i am interviewing someone who said he went to school with you' and so she looks over and is just. Floored. Yup, still nervous looking, definitely remembers them, he's doing fine, and he's apparently now working at her company. Fabulous.
She does say hello and then nervously excuses herself to go to her office before anyone else sees her but hey see you around good to see you bye haha... and calls Sebastian with "He's hot now" with no context. So he asks who and she's like "oh only the cutest boy to ever plague our brains for years" and Sebastian is just "wait wait, Matis ? ? YOU SAW HIM? WHERE? HELLO? Why was I not invited to see him? Why did you not video call so I can see him? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S HOT" and then they scheme how to actually meet up and involve Matis. And they agree while he's definitely handsome dealing with other people, the fact he still blushes and looks nervous around them and looks to them for approval is the absolute cutest thing on the planet.
#pining since hs wdym#also someone pointed out matis is daikon colors and yeah ...... yeaaaah....#another person said omg seeing the three at the bottom is like trans colors#and honestly im here for the accidental rep#it was mostly me going you know what since theres a boy girl duo and for some reason blue pink is the weird norm#time to swap that and have a pink boy and blue girl#then i had no idea for a third color and just went white but with green as an under color#matis looks really professional when talking to other coworkers but blushes the second seb and cornella are involved#and sebastian is extremely cat coded#his little tufts of hair on the side of his head just kinda being cat ear like#and theres another reason but ill doodle it out later but hes basically just a fluffy pink cat who thrives with attention#but is so quick to be done with said attention cause hes bored bye#cornella and her crinkle cut hair is so cute imo#she has long hair as a kid then gets tired of maintaining it and cuts it short in hs and then grows it back out#matis goes from if i cant see them they cant see me to okay i have to pretend like im an adult who can make eye contact#seb and cornella are absolutely mind blown by the fact he has a beauty mark and they had no idea for the entire two school years with him
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save me.
#ok wait real quick. im really too tired. the first thing i typed was '2b' which. is not what i want to talk about. im out of everythingg#ok so i got back at. 1.40 am last night. sure.#but. ive got my shift today starting at 12.30pm. aka i gotta be ready at 12.#which means i shouldve started lunch at 11.30. but since i got back so late this is also when i just finished my breakfast.#aka my tummy full i cant eat lunch.#erm.#so im hoping that this wont cause problems =w=bb#sillyposting#anyway thats not my main trouble today.#ive got. almost 5 hours of kids waiting for me.#theres a saint nik performance today. twice.#ohohoooo.....#at least the woman im working with is nicey =w=b plus she also worked last nights shift so were in the same boatt. erm.#anyway even THAT. would be fine.#except.#my old boss invited me to a going-away party. and i dont fucking want to go.#itll be god knows how long masking. itll be holding back tears bc i am bad with separations. just. everything im imagining it will be is ba#oh.#yk this is the exact same thing i had when i had a bbq with them. imagining itll all be bad and it being. actually okay.#TBF. that was because gay things were happening.#fuck i still cant believe i fumbled that chance noo.......#its fine.#but yeagh. not looking forward to today.#its not like im already stressed about everything school or summ :)#how do people LIVE. i fucking cant.
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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????
#my dad is like#you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then#and im like bhai what#mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me#both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me#mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and#the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff#i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself#because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want#im so tired man#why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it 😭🙏#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these#complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off#people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path#have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories#and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at#atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry#but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything#ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me#i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and#untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends#i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made#i didn't understand anything back then#but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something#ive prayed to god that you die and i still do#it would directly mean 4 people being happy#anyway#dni#this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck
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so fucked up that i can't take the anxiety meds to help with the anxiety that's caused by the anxiety meds. circle of violence.
#lmao about the dr saying that she thinks my breathing issues may be related to my anxiety#or at least worsened by it#like wow! you weren't kidding!#cus my breathing has gotten MUCH worse bc of the anxiety caused by the anxiety meds#im. hrgh.#its survivable just annoying#and i really don't want to set up another appointment when i already have one for#3 weeks from now#it's not worse than earlier is just. frustrating. and tiring.#and i wish i could take the meds that knock me out but i figure that would be. bad.#to mix that wity the stuff im on now#shh ac
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Your impulse to believe every last bad thing people say about a guy and then if that guy is victimized by those people or the people who spread the rumors you dont even try to look into if thats even the case, you just assume hes bad by default-- yeah thats incredibly unfair to guys who are victims of abuse.
#so here i am having to heal my trauma on my own bc people think im a bad person. cool.#and then people would use me as an argument point 'this is why men who use guys who are victims of abuse as an argument need#to actually do something to show they care' she said so smugly. knowing those guys wont give that guy any care no matter how#correct she is about sussing them out on their bullshit.#so instead im being given 0 options at all bc both men and women want to use me as an argument jumping off point rather than see#me as a real human right here right now whos suffering and in need of aid.#you're arguing about giving me a place to stay right in front of me. and at the end of the day neither of you actually want to help#create a space for me to heal anyways. im just another talking point to you. left in the dust. left to try to figure out how to heal#myself alone all over again. something I never expected to have to do in feminist spaces- spaces I intentionally entered to get healing#about ANOTHER abuse that happened to be as a kid- though if im honest I never really found healing in such spaces its all kinda just#hating on men for the most part- so truly like the rest of my entire shit life i've had to learn how to heal my trauma all alone. which isn#great nor ideal since on my own im bound to pick up worse coping mechanisms than if I actually got help from others. and lord knows#I have *motions to the scars on my arms* but yknow you'd rather use me as a talking point rather than be what I thought you were-#the last resort I had to maybe actually finally get some actual fucking help with my trauma.#vent#to say im disappointed is an understatement. i'm more just sad at this point. i'm tired of being promised better and then its shit.
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feeling complicated things this wednesday at 2pm
#thinking abt how at the tail end of high school both friend groups Completely cut me off..one because 1 girl was jealous the other#was soending more time with me and was tired of being essentially bullied by her. but not enough to not cut me out :')#and the other bc the Main Girl decided she didnt like me calling her out for being a jackass so she condemned me and the rest were too#afraid to challenge her lol. they ended up literally replacing me with a kid 2 yrs younger that i had previously been assigned as big siste#to??? lol and even she was happy to be included which. fine she was a kid not really her fault#but then 1 month after graduating wgich i sat thru Alone omi had her 1st stroke and then the hospital failed to notice the 2nd one she had#in their care. so my best and only friend in the world had her life stolen from her and her biggest fear realized overnight.#so ofc i completely shut down and ny mom is so personally offended by this she becomes wildly cruel and bullies the fuck out of ME#and i had already been suicidal for like a decade at that point and was Only staying alive for her sake. suddenly that was all for nothing#so i give up get into drugs and alcohol after having never touched any if it VEHEMENTLY being against it at all but fuck it at that point#which spirals into me dating my ex who was my new boss after my parents forced me to get a new job despite already deciding i was gonna kms#so he sexually harasses me until i say sure fuck it why not . except it turns out i fall in love easily. bc i had never dated before.#and then im public enemy number one for this and all the family friends and STRANGERS regardless of watching ne grow up or not#decide to jump on the lets attack slash be rude to slash bully this kid even more so they KNOW we dissaprove#anyway. its been a very long 9 years.#this is me Still leaving significant shit out too. god lol i was ROBBED of my early adulthood truly
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I love my friends
#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind#for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!!#secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart#i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and#allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother.#she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way#i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know?#not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her.#...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics#i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling.#like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did.#hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either#but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time#but that's the only way I can get those emotions out#I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved.#and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah.#but we dont talk about her#... i dunno. I'm just here.#guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going#I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys.#so uh. thank you.#i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you#probably dead.#💖#vent
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Alright. Train home.
I've run out of tags so I best shut up before I cry (again)
#very very tired and zoned out#i just keep thinking about my eldest auntie#saying like#oh you only live just there you've got no excuse to hide then#and everybody saying like ill see you soon an all this#which obviously they aren't saying to mum#tho we did sit at the front#mum cried at at um her cousin's wife? saying something like you know you're always welcome or or something#um#which. which she's not really or well she is but it's it's all it's not it's#it's hard to explain disfellowshipping#i don't know how to explain it properly#like if she came back to the truth. they call it. then everything would be fine#but she hasn't and she won't#so we can go to the funeral but not the wake#well when mum cried as that set me off again#and i sort of said through tears like um to my cousin michael he was saying like it's overwhelming isn't it#cs there is billions of family like granny had 4 kids and then their kids and grandkids and then various cousins an all#so even if there weren't the situation it'd be. a lot.#im not used to it at all like im an only child as grew up in the woods y'know#my sister's in the same crem as granny it turns out ive got a map to where she is i never had before#she hasn't a name on the stone but there's gonna be a thing made in february mum says#um so i sort of said to michael oh well it is overwhelming and i wasn't expecting to sit right at the front#and he said well it's only right you are family you should sit with family#which which um#just everyone saying oh it's lovely to see you and oh that's where you live and where you work ill have to come and pop in#and you have to keep in touch#and and and but i can't i can't not now#not when there's everything#not with all the london doctor's things an stuff that obviously they don't know. and i have to leave for good before they do. so so um
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absolutely incorrigible behavior in this house tonight <- watching the voltron german dub and enjoying it
#if me from 10 years ago could see me now she'd be so confused#all she knew of german dubs was that they turned benjamin coddersnatchs voice into a normalman tenor in sherlock#but also... voltron... whew its bringing back memories#the english dub... its Such a kids show oh my god how did we ever think it was going to go where we thought it would#the animation does slay though. when the characters move it slays#the german dub sort of smooths out the kids show vibes#it also smooths out keith which is really funny#og keith is so like. im punk. im gruff. im voiced by steven yeun. meanwhile german keith is just kind of tired?#german keith has been through some shit and you can hear it. hes no longer a weirdly deepvoiced teenager hes now a weirdly worldly teenager#(and a tenor. of course. bc no german dub is complete without a complete swap of vocal range for the men) (I've honestly gotten used to it)#(highpitched sam winchester is the superior sam winchester and you can fight me on this)#already growing so attached to the german voices that the og english sounds weird to me. i am 10 minutes into the first episode#german dubs are superior!! i can't explain it!! even though the acting is so dry in comparison to the og...#idk what it is i just like how they interpret the characters#og hunk is hard to beat tho ill give him that. german hunk is good but og hunk is great#german lance is WAYYY less cocky lmao he sounds way more unsure of himself when he's delivering those bravado-ass lines#pidge is just. a woman though. it's kind of offputting#you literally cant beat bex taylor klaus at voicing pidge like. they were practically Made for the role#but to have just a normalvoice woman voice pidge is so odd#anyway the translation is also great. lance calls hunk a genius giantfart (genialer riesenfurz) instead of a gassy genius#instead of 'well‚ congratulations'‚ keith tells lance 'welp‚ congrats‚ dude' (Tja‚ Glückwunsch‚ man)#at hearing he got his place in the pilot class#which is such a small change but im obsessed with it#anyway. back to the incorrigible behavior#voltron#junos
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god i feel so fundamentally alone
#.txt#exam week ‼️ time for my disorganised attachment to hit me like a truck#realising ive never felt loved and my parents dont extend care or compassion or anything ‼️‼️#crying for an hour in the car yesterday and all i got this morning was my mum demanding i apologise 😁#for getting mad that she left her autistic kid alone in public having a meltdown and demanding he sort himself out 😁😁😁#im so fucking mad! im so hopeless. i feel awful and scared and guilty and uf#ugly...#why now. i want to die#im so close. half a year. not even that.#but i want to die im so tempted to give up. it doesnt feel worth it#how the shit do you live when your primary caregiver just doesnt love you and never has#how do you love yourself when youve never shown its possible to love you#im so fucking. im really bad#im sorry it was sudden onset#ive been really tired and drained and whatever. and this weekend has plunged me into suicidality i really wont lie#i need to die Now. i need to die tomorrow. i wont make it
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Forgive me, thought not complete, need more tags
#If Im anything Im really..... haunted by my dad if Im honest#Bout how much of him and his ways lives on#About how the old Warner Jukes ways of talking to your kids come out of my sisters mouth when shes stressed shes tired shes hurting#About how I sometimes fear that my first reaction to a teenager talking back#Is that my father would have slapped you across the face and actuallt feeling my hand itch to do it#And I think about the addiction problems all of us cope with and Michael got crushed by#And it's just#So hard to get around his influence its in everything#And I wonder sometimes if ill ever not feel like I inherited all his darkness#Told you thoughts were emo but like#Theres no escaping it#But then I call him and he NOW tells me that Im so smart and bright and can do anything#Words HE never would have said in a million years five ten years ago#He called me the family disappointment after all#And Im just#I dunno I have a lot kf feelings about the like#Mutability of fate#Of what its like to be your father's son#Of what its like to try to stop this generational bullshit and think like me#And how even the worst people are capable of change too#So like#Its a lot#I dunno why Im dumping this#Other than that I like#Answered the question in a wordy way and have a lot of feelings about this#Sorry#Nobody has to read my emo shit after all#I wouldnt want people to have to#Long tags are long
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If one more person tries telling me that i wont be able to move out within a year for a stupid fucking reason, ill just do what my mom did at 19 and leave a note on the counter and just fucking go now
#thoughts#im so tired of men in my life telling me that i wont be able to move :)) and that ill have to rent :)))#and that instead of moving i should just get a new car and delay moving for another year :))))#how about fuck you im gonna leave and you cant fucking keep me in illinois any longer!! how about that!!!#i used to empathize with my dad saying this shit but now i cant cause its clear he just doesnt want me to leave#and i used to feel bad but now i really dont!!! how can u know ur kids miserable but yet give them shit about wanting to change that????#anyways if i pack up and leave within the next few months just know its out of spite#also shoutout to my mom for literally leaving colorado for california at 19 because she felt the same way i do now lol an actual icon
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.
#i think hearing abt workplace drama and wondering if id ever get in a fight w any of the others is possible is funny#bc the thing that got someone inntrouble once was that they called someone else out for just like. lazing around in the room#while thenfirst person was trying ti clean it and ig they took it wrong and made it a big deal to the supervisors#anyway today someone came into a room i was cleaning and i legit. not mad in the slightest even when shes using her phone#which is obv a no-no but all these mfs do it except me so it is what it is#but anyway not mad and shes not in my way at all really and she just looks so tired 😭#like she looks so worn im not even kidding like i am lacking sleep sure but she looks like shes lacking sleep AND worn from multiple partie#anyw i wouldnt start fights w anyone bc i just got worried. and shes so sweet idk everytime i walk into a room in a bit of a rush#idk if its bc im in a rush or if i look stressed or what but she immediately always asks me “rhelena are u ok?' !#... do i always look stressed or lost or smn i swear at least 2 ppl keep trying to comfort me and 1 just thinks im really cute 🤔#like cute enough to come up and hug and gush about.. ANYWAY. WHAT WAS I ON ABOUT..#yeah im not made for arguing or calling people out idk 🤔#like even on days when other hosts r like “this party mom is giving us attitude theyre a bitch” i talk to the mom and im like#i mean theyre a bit of a perfectionist but they sound likr theyre just trying to get their moneys worth idk-#LIKE ITS NOT. UNREASONABLE TO ME IDK?? things happen for a reason! or reasons! its fine idk its not that big a deal?!?!?!?#44597#... am i too easy or smn like?? 🤦♀️
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Gonna say some semi weird shit lmao sorry
#for some reason my baby fever has been really really bad for the past couple weeks#and now it's like my dream to get pregnant this year#(it would be like impossible to swing i cant afford to move out of my parents house)#(and I'm either Aro/Ace or an Ace Lesbian)#but I want a baby so bad#so far the best option is a throuple with mu friend and her boyfriend (soon to be fiancee)#because they want kids but she doesnt want to be pregnant even a little bit#(shes also a carrier for a very severe genetic disease and some skin conditions)#but anyway thats just bonus lore#the big things: i would love to get pregnant this year#i think id keep it a secret from anyone who couldn't actively see me#and my friend who lives in a different province and i have been talking ahout him coming here for comicon in october#and us doing a couple's cosplay#so like theres zero chance of this happening but i just yhink the idea of me picking him up at the airport#with a VISIBLE baby bump when i hadn't at any point told him i was pregnant#i just think it woukd be such a funny reaction#how would he feel? would he say something? or would he just be like “oh shes gotten bigger since the last yime i saw her”#“better not mention that”#and then later in our hotel im like “Jesus christ neverfuvkingmind tjis whole pregnancy thing im tired of being hungry”#idk i just think it would he funny#also if you know someone in my area willing yo give me a baby and provide housing and be a good father and a decent enough husband hmu#btw decent enough husband i really jusy mean like be my friend but we share a house and maube a bed for the kid and have sex#but ONLY for procreation#jamie shut the fuck up#personal blog#just vibing#rambling
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