#(i.e. how to tap her card for our tram system)
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if I needed any further convincing that I should not have kids, the way I'm struggling with managing my mother's steady mental decline would cement it
#sigh#personal#vent#we knew this was coming#and i'm honestly trying so hard#and i know it's so much harder for her than anyone else#and i feel like a complete piece of shit for being frustrated when i have to explain something to her multiple times she doesn't get it#or gets it but then immediately forgets the next time she needs to do it#(i.e. how to tap her card for our tram system)#and i know it's partially my fault (for lack of a better term) for being autistic(tm) about it#like. hates-changing-plans-disorder colliding with cognitive decline time blindness#what do you MEAN you're just now deciding you want to catch a train in 90 minutes???#when we're 30mins minimum from the station and we haven't eaten breakfast yet or dressed#and you still need to pack?#or when she latches onto something and will just Not Let It Go#no matter how many times I assure her it's fine she's convinced i'm upset#which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when I lose patience after telling her twenty times that IT'S FINE#.........i must sound like such a total piece of shit#but god it's fucking hard#and i hate it#and i want my mum back#but she's getting worse and her pain is getting worse#and my dad is 70 and honestly something is clearly going on with him too#and i just. i don't. i can't deal with this by myself. but there's nobody else.#my mum telling me that i'll get their house one day and i'm like mmm. i absolutely will Not be getting that house.#that house is getting fucking sold to pay for you both to get care because even together you're on the verge of#not being able to manage living unsupported#and i had to move to the fucking opposite coast to find work
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