#(i've definitely posted this before but that was years ago - time for a reminder)

[theplantqueer]

Crip Tip: if your bed frame will support it, get a drink bottle holder for bikes for a few bucks online and attach it to your bed frame. horizontal hydration!

[ID: a dark wood bedhead with a gap in the slats. A plastic drink bottle holder is attached to the bedpost between the slats, and there's a large disposable plastic drink bottle in it. There's also a swan neck style black cane resting on the wall behind it. /end ID]

And to avoid as many trips to the tap, have a few of them stashed somewhere within reach of yr bed.

Bonus round: My lightswitch is within cane's reach of the bed so i can turn off the light from a lying down position ✌️😜

[kookslastbutton]

what love feels like ༓ myg (m)

✑ Summary: Being a mother to a beautiful baby girl and wife to an adoring husband is the most rewarding feeling in the world. But you also work a full-time job, are overtired most of the time, stressed, don't have any alone time, look very different than eight years ago, and sex? Well, that hasn’t happened in weeks. The gravity of the situation weighs on you until one day, all of your deepest insecurities rear their ugly head–that your husband might not love you as much anymore and someone could take him away from you.

Pairing: husband!yoongi x reader

AU/genre: angst, fluff, smut, marriage au

Rating: M, 18+

Word Count: 6.7k+

Warnings: swearing, both Yoongi and oc are in their 30s, mom and full-time worker!oc, reserved!dad!yoongi, lack of intimacy, mentions of body insecurities post-pregnancy, mentions of fear of abandonment, mentions of jealousy. irrational worries, built-up stress, light fighting, silent treatment, stubbornness, lots of reassurance, nightmares, cute backstory of how they met, a lot of ily, Yoongi and oc being good parents 🥹, Yoongi calls oc doll, and explicit sexual content

sexual warnings: swearing, kissing, neck kisses, pleading, banter, dirty talk, doll petname, asking for consent, b**b squeezing & sucking, hair threading, penetration, f*ngering, big d*ck!yoongi, growling, missi*nary, eye contact, tearing up, c*ming together

Now Playing: Breathing by Anne Marie

a/n: Okay this was for Yoon's bday. Based on the poll, husband!Yoon won. Was intended to be a Drabble but well...heh 😅 Anyway, I had a lot of fun writing this fic and Yoon is just such a good hubby for responding well to these very relatable insecurities. (Low-key love this couple...) I'm sorry for any typos or warnings i missed! I checked and double checked but a few might have slipped. Enjoy! Anyway please enjoy! 🥰

“So, you're Jia's father, huh? I don’t think I've seen you here before, and I’m sure I would have recognized you.”

With his back straight and arms folded, Yoongi gives the woman in front of him a quick once-over. Mid-40s, freshly single, and definitely in need of some companionship. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out; she’s been talking his ear off for the past twenty minutes like he’s some kind of remedy to all her problems.

Honestly, he just swung by to pick up his four-year-old from daycare after another grueling day at work. But the moment he walked in, it was as if all the single moms latched onto him like a flock of hungry geese. This one’s name is Sandra in particular.

It reminds him of his college basketball days, how the cheerleaders all too eagerly swarmed around him after sinking the winning shot at the championship game. Shame he was too busy eyeing the girl in the stands to care, her face buried behind a book twice as big as her head. Who reads an 800-page novel during the playoffs anyway?

Fate, as one may call it, intervened about a week later when his best friend became said girl’s lab partner. Yoongi didn’t make any sudden moves at first, but well, he did make her his wife three years later.

“It’s just so nice to finally meet the father of such a sweet child. Especially considering how many dads tend to take a backseat in their child's early years.” Is she still going on? Yoongi does his best to stay present, though it’s proving unsuccessful. “And Jia truly is an angel! It’s clear you’re doing a wonderful job raising her, even with a full-time job and all.”

Yoongi’s eyebrows knit together at the somewhat odd choice of words. “Thanks,” he drawls out, noticing her pupils dilating with every breath. “Most of the credit goes to my wife though. She’s a great mom to Jia.”

“Jia’s m-mom?” Sandra stutters, her mouth slightly agape. Yoongi senses the gears turning in her head as she struggles to process the unexpected presence of his wife. Tempting as it is, he holds down a smirk. Of course, he’s a happily married man–for nearly eight years now.

“Yeah,” he replies simply. “She’s usually the one to pick up our daughter from daycare, but she’s been working a lot of overtime lately. I thought I'd come instead so she can get some rest."

“Oh, well that’s very–“

“Daddy! Daddy, you’re here!” The sound of a familiar high-pitched voice, along with a light pattering of feet, diverts both adult’s attention.

“Hey kid.” Yoongi effortlessly lifts the small child once in front of him, securing her in his arms. “Have fun today?”

Jia gives an enthusiastic nod, bright red ribbons in her hair bouncing cutely as she does. Proudly, she shows him the drawing she made.

“See? It’s me, you, and mommy!” She makes sure to point to each part of the picture with her pointer finger.

Yoongi gently takes the artwork from his daughter’s hand and lets out a soft chuckle. “Now this is what I call a masterpiece! Mommy’s gonna love hanging this one on the fridge. How about I hold onto this and you go grab your backpack, okay?”

As soon as Jia’s feet touch the carpeted floor again, she races off to her cubby in the far corner of the room. Yoongi shoots Sandra a final glance before slowly following behind. “We got to get going, but nice meeting you.”

“You…too.” Sandra’s response is more than disappointed as she watches the father-daughter duo make their way out of the building. Evidently, Min Yoongi isn’t the single dad she originally assumed. Funny, she swore there wasn’t a wedding band in sight. Maybe she missed it.

“No, I’m sorry but I’m certain we haven’t used any of your services in the last six months. My husband canceled it in late October.”

With one hand, you grip your cell phone up to an ear while the other pops open the dishwasher. You’ve been on the phone with the cable company for half an hour, trying to make sense of an unexpected charge that appeared on your bank account this morning. You consider yourself more patient than most, yet after working all day, a pile of laundry waiting to be washed, and dinner threatening to burn on the stove, the last thing you have time for is arguing with your old service provider.

“I understand, ma’am, and I apologize for any confusion. I’m taking a look at my records and they’re all showing me that—oh wait a second.”

The young man on the opposite end of the line interrupts his own thought, piquing your concern in the process.

“What did you say your last name is?”

You answer and in an instant, you’re met with a thousand rushed apologies; something about getting the account names mixed up in their system. It’s difficult to decipher everything you hear with the front door being thrust open that very moment.

“Mommy, where are you? We’re home!” Your daughter not so subtly announces her presence from the foyer. She kicks off her shoes, hangs her backpack on the designated wall hook, and then rushes to the kitchen upon catching a brief glimpse of your shirt.

“It’s alright, these mistakes happen.” You hang up the call and turn around to find Jia only steps away, a big goofy grin on her face. Infectious, you break out into a smile yourself and swoop her up.

“Hey honey, I missed you so much!” You kiss the side of your daughter’s head as she wraps her small arms around your neck. “You look so pretty with all these ribbons in your hair! Daddy did a good job, didn’t he?”

Being that you were called into work earlier than usual this morning, Yoongi was the one who got Jia dressed and ready for daycare. You’re delightfully surprised by the results.

“Mmhm,” Jia nods, twirling a couple of strands of hair between her thumb and forefinger. “But Daddy pulls too much!”

“Maybe if someone had listened and stopped fussing when I told her, I wouldn’t have accidentally yanked on her hair when I was reaching for her favorite Hello Kitty scrunchie.” Yoongi joins you both in the kitchen, walking over to press a quick peck on your lips while tenderly caressing the small of your back. The gesture soothes you of your earlier frustrations. “Who was that on the phone? Cable company?”

“Yeah, they canceled the charge. Wrong account.” As you reiterate the entire mix-up, your eyes wander all over your husband. He’s especially handsome tonight, given his perfectly tousled black hair and navy blue blazer flowing over his body. It’s tastefully oversized with a clean, white top paired underneath. You, on the other hand, are sporting a raggedy old t-shirt and stained sweatpants.

There was a time when you used to put a shit ton more effort into your appearance. It was before you got pregnant with Jia, back when you and Yoongi were going out on weekly dates. Neither of you has that kind of time anymore, or energy for that matter. You didn’t believe the other moms when they told you the romance takes a nose dive after you have your first kid. Yet here you are, proven wrong again.

Being parents to a beautiful baby girl is likely the most rewarding feeling in the world for you and Yoongi. You don’t remember the last time the two of you got real quality alone time though. And sex? Well, that hasn’t happened in weeks. The gravity of the situation weighs more on you with each passing day to be honest. Sure, you’re not the same person you used to be eight years ago, but shouldn’t you and Yoongi still make time for at least a little intimacy?

“How was picking up Jia by the way?” You look at Yoongi who merely shrugs nonchalantly in response.

“It was fine. Nothing too out of the ordinary,” Yoong gives you another peck before heading up the stairs to your bedroom. “I’m gonna go get changed. Why don’t you show Mommy the drawing you did Jia?”

“A drawing?” You shift your attention to your daughter whose eyes sparkle like diamonds upon mention. “We should put it up on the fridge then. Let’s take a look hmm?”

“It’s in my backpack! My new friend and I were drawing together. Her name is Mi-Sun.” Jia continues telling you all about her friend Mi-Sun as you make your way to the front door where her backpack hangs. You’re fully engaged until the very end. “Daddy made a new friend too!” she joyously claps her hands together, not realizing the depth of her remark.

“Oh, who’s Daddy’s new friend honey?” You ask, staying as calm as possible.

“Ms. Cho! They were talking for a really long time today.”

Ms. Cho? You think back to all the moms you’ve met at daycare. Somehow you can’t recall ever hearing or meeting a Ms. Cho. She must be a single mom, you deduce. Was she new? What did she look like? And why didn’t Yoongi mention her when you asked?

This has to be nothing but a little small talk, an acquaintance at most. Besides, the moms at Jia’s daycare are quite a chatty bunch and Yoongi wouldn’t dare overstep any boundaries.

“Do you know what they were talking about?” You don’t enjoy asking your child for details about your husband, yet you can’t seem to help it this time.

“I dunno,” she shrugs her shoulders. "Daddy was laughing a lot."

Suddenly, the self-assurance you gave yourself earlier slips away; seemingly useless given the queasy feeling building in the pit of your stomach.

For the remainder of the night, you purposely dodge every attempt your husband makes to kiss, touch, and hold you. You’ve even begun responding to his questions in one-word answers and at times, with nothing at all.

Yes, you’re being petty; more than usual. The silent treatment frustrates Yoongi to no end and it isn’t very mature of you, but neither is refusing to tell your wife that some single mom was flirting with you in front of your kid! Okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration. Maybe it all sums up to a harmless conversation, but it’s not like you know either way with Yoongi being as reserved as he is. It brings you back to your early dating days when he wouldn’t think to tell you about various aspects of his day; who he ate breakfast with that morning or the one classmate of his that wouldn’t leave him alone for two semesters.

Truth be told, you're simply hoping that your husband will bring up the topic first, without having to be the classic nagging wife. You’re a jealous person by nature so it’s not a simple task. Even now as you fold the first batch of laundry on your shared bed, him on the other side doing the same, you struggle to keep from blurting everything out.

“So,” Yoongi fluffs up a clean pillowcase before sliding it onto one of the bed pillows. “How was work?”

What a basic question, you grumble internally. Is that all he’s got? “Was okay,” you reply. “The usual.”

“You must be tired from the day. Did you get to lie down at all?” Yoongi picks up another pillowcase, repeating the process as before. When he glances your way, it’s clear something’s on your mind. You’ve started pairing Jia’s socks far more aggressively than normal and you’re holding back your responses. “Did you hear me, doll? Or am I going deaf here?” The sarcastic chuckle distracts you from your task, forcing your attention.

You’re about to respond when your eyes briefly flicker down to his hands, his left one in particular. Where's his wedding ring? Yoongi always wears it no matter what. The same sick feeling from before returns tenfold. No wonder that Ms. Cho was all over him–she must have thought he was single.

“No, I didn’t get to lie down Yoongi. I worked all day, came home and made dinner, called the cable guy to get that stupid bill figured out, and now I’m doing the second load of laundry. I’m really just not in the mood to chat.” It comes out a blur as you snatch the empty laundry basket and head for your washer and dryer, your eyes welling up with tears.

“__, wait.” Yoongi tosses the last pillow near the headboard and stops you in your tracks, his hand firmly gripping one end of the laundry basket. The intensity of his stare softens as he speaks. “I'm sorry if it seems like I'm forcing you to talk. I know you've been losing a lot of sleep recently between work, Jia, and upkeeping the house. We just don't get a lot of time to see each other anymore and I miss you…I miss talking to you."

With every ounce of self-control remaining, you hold back any tears that risk spilling out. You don't know why you're acting like this, why you're crying over something that seems so small and insignificant to the rest of the world. Yoongi loves you. He's said it a million times and proven it to you over and over again, for eight years now. He wouldn’t cheat on you, yet you still get so worked up about the idea that someone could take him away from you. Someone half your age, more attractive, or hell even the opposite sex if it means fewer dark circles under their eyes.

"Why- why aren't you wearing your ring?" Your naturally confident voice dwindles to the whisper of a mouse. It's completely out of character, nevertheless, here you are.

"I..." Your husband's voice wavers. His gaze flickers to his left hand, where his ring should be, but isn't. "Shit...I took it off in the shower this morning," he confesses, frustrated by his forgetfulness. "I was in such a rush to get Jia to daycare, and me to work, that it completely slipped my mind. I'm sorry—I fully intended to put it back on." He pauses, then perks up. "It's still in the bathroom. I'll be right back, okay?"

You watch as he makes a beeline for the master bathroom, eager to rectify the situation as soon as possible. You should have kept silent what you say next, but you don't.

"No wonder the moms at Jia's daycare were so drawn to you."

"What?" Yoongi stops in his tracks. The dumbfounded expression on his face tells you that you've caught him off guard again.

"Jia told me about someone named Ms. Cho," you reluctantly continue. "The two of you were laughing and talking and–"

"Baby, don't worry about that." Seizing his chance, your husband walks back over to you and sneakily pulls the laundry basket from under your arm. He sets it on the ground after, then reaches to take your hand in his, but stubbornly you cross your arms.

"Her name's Sandra," he starts explaining. "She's a new mom at the daycare and she didn't know anyone, so she started talking to me. I got the sense she was a little overly friendly but it was all small talk, nothing more."

Still largely unsatisfied, you remain unmoved. "If it wasn't a big deal then why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Because nothing serious happened. The majority of the conversation was her venting about her ex-husband and me wishing you were right there next to me. Please believe me. All I could think about was finally being able to come home to you after a long week with Jia in our arms."

"Really?" Well, now you're feeling guilty for avoiding him in nearly every way tonight. Guilty for believing such wild assumptions that he'd leave you for someone else over one measly conversation. Guilty for letting yourself get so worked up over a situation you, quite frankly, knew few details about.

"I mean it doll." This time, when he reaches out to grasp your wrist, he succeeds. He intertwines his fingers with yours and leads you to the edge of your bed, gently pulling you down to sit on his lap. "Do you really think I could look at anyone else the way I look at you? Or think about you the way I have for the last eight-plus years we've been married and known each other?"

You hesitate your answer, averting his eye contact. "I know but…"

"No, don't finish that. Look at me," he intercepts. "You and our daughter are the only women on my mind–24/7. I can't get either of you out of my head and I don't want to. I'm so sorry I forgot to put my wedding band back on this morning, and again tonight. I feel awful about it and I'll be more careful from now on. And another thing, when Sandra and I were talking I mentioned you multiple times. So, it's clear to her that I'm a happily married man."

The last bit of information manages to perk your ears. "You talked about me?" Your eyes widen as you finally shift your full attention to him. Yoongi eyes widen with you, amused by your sudden change of heart to look at him.

"I said my wife is an amazing mother, works too hard for her own good, and needed to rest today. Give or take a few words."

That's all? You huff to yourself. Would it been nice if your husband also thrown in that you were beautiful or stunning in that mix of compliments? Yes, yes it would have–again, you're pettiness clouds your better judgment. You're not as pissed off as before, but rather semi-irritated.

"Okay…well I guess it's fine then. I'm sorry for being short with you earlier. I shouldn't have made those rash conclusions about the ring and that woman from the daycare. It wasn't reasonable of me." You get up from his lap, yet Yoongi isn't entirely convinced that you're okay.

"There's still something you're not telling me. I can tell."

"No, there's nothing else." You waive him off, placing your hand on your bedroom doorknob "You told her you had a wife so it's fine. I need to switch the second load of laundry.”

"Come on, doll. Let's not leave things unsaid now."

Sighing at his plead, you find yourself giving into all your repressed thoughts and emotions. It swallows you up, like a tidal wave you can't stop. "Look at me Yoon. I'm sweaty, I have dark circles under my eyes, stretch marks, love handles, my hair's a mess, and all I wear are old sweats covered in stains. I'm nothing like I used to be! No wonder we aren't intimate anymore."

Yoongi rises from the bed at once, offended by the sudden digression. "Is that what this is all about? It’s not even about that single mom from daycare is it?" The truth of the matter sinks in as he speaks.

"I guess maybe so…though I'm still annoyed about that too." Great, you're back to square one again.

"Come with me, I need to show you something." Your husband gestures you to follow him, which you slowly concede to.

"What are you doing Yoon?" You both walk into the master bathroom, stopping in front of the large mirror above the sink.

"I'm showing you the woman I'm in love with and have been in love with for nearly eight years now. Sweats and all." Yoongi makes you face the mirror directly, hands around your shoulders. You have trouble stomaching the sight.

"Yoongi please, I can't. The laundry ringing off." You avoid looking into the mirror and make a move to leave the bathroom.

"Just stay with me a minute, please?" Your husband refuses to loosen his hold on you, turning your body so you're looking eye to eye. "No, you're not the same person as you were and neither am I. We're parents to a beautiful daughter now, who we love and adore. We're also overtired 90% of the time, juggling a million things at once. But there's one thing you can count on to always stay the same–my loyalty to you. I'll always be in love with you __, no matter what age you are or however way you look. There's nothing you can do to change that, so why fight it?"

Dammit. A single tear rolls down your cheek as you take in his heart-melting speech. It's not his words alone, it's the sincerity behind them. How he's repeated similar countless times before throughout your entire relationship.

"I love you, Yoon..." you choke out the words, composure fleeting.

"I love you so much, doll." He wipes the wetness of your tear with his thumb. "As far as us not being as intimate anymore, that's my fault. I don't ever want you to feel like I don't desire you every day. Why don't we send the kid to my parents this weekend and let me start making things right hmm?"

"I don't know if we can this weekend. Jia has a playdate on Saturday."

"So, I'll ask Mom to take her. She'll be happy to, trust me. We can finally watch that movie you've been dying to show me since what? December?"

"You're serious?" Your eyes light up at the mention of what is essentially a movie date. The show Yoongi's referring to is one you've been craving to see for months, yet neither of you has found the time to watch. "I've been talking about it for so long, Yoon."

"I know you have, it's why I suggested it. I've been wanting to watch it too with all the trailers you keep sending me. Plus, I'll be able to keep my beautiful wife in my arms for over two hours. That's a lot for us, especially with you being such a busy bee. I can never get you to light in one place! What's up with that, huh?"

Feeling your natural self re-emerging, you throw a playful swat to his arm and scowl at his teasing comment. "You're one to talk! You're basically a workaholic! Besides, you knew who you were marrying when you met me."

Yoongi chuckles and brings both hands to cup your cheeks, squishing them slightly. "A cutie who reads 800-page novels at a basketball game?"

"Stop babying me!" You pull his hands off your cheeks and rub them, trying to regain some composure. "I don't regret my choices, I like books. It's why I'm such a boss at work!"

"Okay, boss," he laughs. "What about what I suggested before then? I can call Mom tomorrow and ask her if she could watch Jia for the day. She'll take her to her playdate, then they can spend the rest of the day together."

It does sound nice, having the whole day with your husband.

"Okay," you agree. "Let's try."

"Good." Yoongi slides his hands down to your hips and pulls you flush against his chest. "How about we seal it with a kiss now?" You nod and he leans his head down, pressing an amazing, tender kiss to your lips. It makes you both giddy on queue.

"Read one more story, Daddy!" Jia leaps off her small, twin bed and bounds for her bookshelf. She lets out a series of giggles when a large pair of hands catch her, lifting her high into the air.

"I already read you three books kid," Yoongi says, planting a kiss on her cheek. "Bedtime." He then tucks her into her fluffy comforter, plugs in her teddy bear nightlight, and closes her bedroom door.

The next second, Jia comes running out of her room, latching onto his right leg. "I don't wanna go to bed. I wanna play!" Figures she'd be hyper at this hour.

Yoongi sighs and picks her up. "Daddy told you to go to sleep, it's not playtime. You'll have lots of time for that tomorrow when you get to see your friend." He then carries her into her room, yet she fusses in his arms; thumping her tiny fists into his chest.

"No, no, no, Daddy. I want to play!"

Sighing, Yoongi looks at his child with sharp eyes. "Jia–"

"Hey," you interrupt, entering your daughter's bedroom upon hearing the commotion down the hall. "What's going on?"

"Kid doesn't want to go to bed."

You give an empathetic look and saunter over to the pair, gently taking Jia into your arms. Yoongi places his hands on his hips as he watches you reason with your daughter.

"Jia, you know tomorrow's a big day right? You and Sana are going to go to the playground together." The child nods. "You don't want to be tired when you're playing do you?"

"No..." She shakes her head. "I want to be awake!"

"Then you need to listen to Daddy and go to sleep. That way you'll be full of energy tomorrow when you and Sana go on the swings or slide down all the big slides." You smile as Jia starts rubbing her drowsy eyes, yawning in the process.

"But I...okay," she slowly concedes, eyes fluttering shut as she gives into her sleepy state. Unsurprising to you and Yoongi, she was tired all along. But like most kids, hated going to bed.

"See?" You lay Jia in her bed and pull the covers up near her chin, giving her a light kiss on the side of her head. Yoongi bends down and does the same after you. "You just gotta talk to her a little, she'll typically fall asleep on her own."

"But I read her three of her favorite books." Yoongi shuts off the overhead light, along with the door to Jia's room, and follows you to your bedroom.

"That's different Yoon," you argue back. "Books excite her."

"She takes after you that way then." Yoongi pulls his t-shirt off, leaving him bare-chested, and climbs onto his side of the bed. You join him shortly after with your head resting on his chest and an arm thrown around his waist.

"I'm so exhausted," you yawn.

"Go to sleep, baby. I'm right here." Your husband places a hand over your wrapped arm, sending you off into a deep slumber.

Well this is just ironic. Almost 2 A.M. and you're wide awake.

What initially started as a nice, relaxing dream quickly turned into a terrible nightmare. In the dream, you woke up alone. Yoongi was gone. Jia was gone too. You can't exactly make sense of it, except for a vague memory of Jia calling another woman 'Mom'. You couldn't see her face very well, so it could've been anyone. You couldn't speak either, so even when you tried approaching the three, they couldn't hear you. You've had nightmares plenty of times, but this one is new. It's a clear projection of all the underlying concerns upheaved from earlier; insecurities, abandonment, loss, and it has you unsettled.

You glance over to your husband's side of the bed. He's fast asleep, no longer cuddling you due to you both flip-flopping in your sleep. You decide to slide closer to him, needing to watch him for a while. It might sound weird, but you love watching him sleep. He's so handsome and you feel a great deal of comfort doing so. Maybe if he was awake, you'd tell him about what you dreamt. Then again...maybe not.

"I love you Yoon," you whisper as quietly as you can, tracing his every facial feature with your eyes.

"'m, I love you too."

Is he-was he awake? As if caught red-handed, you quickly flit your face away in favor of the blank ceiling above. You weren't expecting him to answer at all, and in such a hoarse voice too. You're a little turned on by it to be honest.

"Can't sleep?" he speaks up again, eyes still closed.

"No, I''ll be okay though. You can go back to sleep. Don't worry."

He grunts, a tad unhappy with your dismissal of him. "Do you want to talk about it? Your dream?"

You whip your head in his direction. "How–" You pause, seeing his eyes blink open.

"I didn't meet you just yesterday, doll. I know they keep you up. Just know, I'm always here okay? Always." He reaches for you with delicate fingers as he continues. "Now, come here. Seems we got separated in our sleep."

You accept the offer and cuddle into him again. This time your noses nearly touch and his arm wraps around your lower waist. You feel the growing urge to kiss him, wanting to forget your nightmare entirely. But perhaps silly, you ask permission first, seeing as he's close to drifting off again.

"Yoon?"

"Mm."

"Can we kiss?" Your cheeks flush a little at the request. Why are you acting like this? You've been married for years.

"Sure, 'm tired but I could go for a make-out right now." A small smirk graces his lips as he teases you. You give him a classic 'Yoongi!' in reply. "I'm kidding. You don't ever have to ask me that," he finishes.

"Hmm, maybe I don't want a kiss anymore." You feign stubbornness, just to see his response. And a response he gives you, more than you're prepared for.

"You're ridiculous," he grumbles, capturing your lips in one fell swoop. He moves his lips against yours as the hand on your waist grips tighter. The tiniest of moans escapes your lips.

You attempt to break the kiss first, thinking it will only last for a few seconds. Yet Yoongi slips a hand behind your neck to bring you into another kiss. One that's deeper than the last. You feel your breath being taken away little by little, especially when his tongue licks into your mouth. God, you haven't kissed like this in an eternity. A wetness soon gathers between your thighs.

"'m, Yoon," you gasp when his cool fingers sneakily make their way under your shirt, tickling your bare skin. They travel the expanse of your waist, stomach, and up along your back. "So cold."

Yoongi pulls away from the kiss and retracts his fingers. He then lazily moves his body until his chest hovers over your own, rolling you on your back in the process. He's a bit of a blur due to the dimness of the room, yet you can see the whites of his eyes a bit better than before.

"Help me warm them then," he says, folding his hands on top of yours from where they rest on your stomach. "You're really burning up, doll."

His observation is right. Ever since you woke up, you're body's been hotter than normal. The stress is clear and it's only increasing due to the unexpected turn of tonight's events; your husband seemingly wanting to make love to you in the middle of the night.

"So I am," you reply, staring straight into his eyes. "Must be because of all the sudden surprises today. My body's finally responding to it all."

Yoongi nods, following your implication. "Well let's do something to calm it down, shall we?" He waits for your final go before making any abrupt movements.

"But...you haven't seen me–"

"Naked in a while?" he predicts your next words, unfazed. "I've seen it all, each time better than the last because I love you. You're beautiful to me, no matter what. Let me love you __. I've missed you. I've missed us."

"Okay...please," you sigh, desperately needing his touch. "It's been so long since we've been this close."

Neither of you has it in you to delay another second as you dive into another fiery kiss, your hands wandering up and down each other's bodies. You love his hair the most, so you run your fingers through it repeatedly. Your husband's soft grunts remind you that it's as pleasurable for him as it is for you, and as if to counter, he latches his lips to the curve of your neck.

"Yoon," you moan, shivering at the feeling of being peppered in open-mouth kisses. Your eyes automatically roll up as well.

Yoongi nips at your jaw next, featherlike, yet deadly to you nevertheless. He doesn't allow himself to linger more than a second, though, preferring to keep you on your toes. So with careful fingers, he begins lifting the bottom of your shirt.

"Can I?"

You hum in approval and lean forward for him to remove it.

With your nipples now exposed to the brisk air, stiffening due to arousal, Yoongi brings both his hands up to caress your boobs. He's incredibly gentle, telling you how beautiful you are once again until his thumbs start circling your peaked nipples. A rush of sensation shoots up your spine as he rolls them harder, flicking them once in a while.

"Fuck," you swear.

"Feeling good?"

All you do is nod fervently in response, which Yoongi takes as his signal to lower his head to your chest. He squeezes both breasts in his hand before wrapping his mouth around a nipple, licking and sucking relentlessly. He repeats the same to the other.

"Yoongi, I need you. Please." You're core tightens, thighs struggling not to rub together, as you plead with your husband to relieve you. You are so wet and getting wetter.

"I'm here, doll, I got you. Fingers first hm?"

He pushes part of the comforter towards the foot of the bed, then gestures for you to raise your butt. Any shred of mystery of how worked up he's gotten you slip away as he pulls your underwear and pants down your legs. They both get tossed on the floor, per usual.

Bare pussy exposed, Yoongi guides your legs further apart and brings a hand down to your entrance. One of his long, slender fingers traces up your folds so smoothly that you buck your hips upon the touch. He smiles lightly at the subtle response, pleased that you're finally enjoying yourself; too often you put your needs last. His finger slowly sinks into your well-lubricated pussy, velvety walls clenching around it.

"Oh, g-god," you give a shaky moan as his finger pumps and curls in you, stimulating your g-spot. "Need you now, Yoon, so bad."

"Mm not yet, we need to stretch you out. You haven't taken me for a good three or four weeks," he smirks at your eagerness, sliding a second finger next to the first. "This pussy is drenched but not enough. I need you to come. Can you do that for me?"

Fast, quick movements follow suit as your husband works you up to an orgasm. Oh fuck, oh fuck, you chant in near whines. Your pussy is spasming around him, walls tightening with each push and pull. You know when he draws his hand out that it's covered with your come. Messy, sex is messy and both of you are too far gone to care; the pleasure sweeping over you.

Finally, in what feels like an endless tease, you have your first orgasm of the night. You feel your body relaxing into the mattress again, yet your breath remains short. Yoongi, on the other hand, groans seeing your release dripping down your thighs and onto the sheets. For a split second, there's a slight darkening in his eyes while he takes in your post-orgasmic form. The two fingers that had been inside you are sensually brought to his lips, slipping between the seam before being cleaned off.

You're taken aback by the action, though you've witnessed it before. Something about watching your husband willingly follow through with a gesture so lewd makes your head spin–you want him to fuck you right this instant. He must share the same feeling because you don't even need to sound the words due to his hands already making quick work of his pants.

"You drive me mad, you know that? Can never get a break with how sweet you taste. Your lips, your come. All of it makes me go mad." His full length comes in view, hard and tip leaking with pre-cum. You try not to let yourself stare at the thickness but hell, you must've forgotten the extent of your husband's size. You don't remember it being this big before.

"Well," you gulp. "You're not making it easy on me either, looking like this."

Yoongi climbs over to you again, settling into a straddled position, and looks deep into your eyes. "Who's fault do you think that is?"

"It's your fault." You bend your legs and wrap them around his mid-section. You can feel the tip of his cock tease at your entrance. The anticipation is beyond grueling.

"No," he says, aligning himself up to your weeping hole. "it's yours." He then thrusts his hips forward, his length sinking into you so perfectly it has you completely satisfied.

"Y-Yours," you whimper out, unable to form a steady sentence.

"Fine." He picks up his pace. "Let's just agree we both fuck each other up on a daily---ah fuck!" Yoongi growls and gives you a suspicious look when he feels your pussy suddenly clench around his length.

"I didn't do it on purpose this time! You're fucking me too good is all."

"Really? You're not just teasing me?"

Yoongi is slow to believe since you've purposefully clenched countless times before, simply out of playfulness. Tonight is different than those nights though because you're telling the truth–he's truly fucking you so good.

"What the hell," he concedes. "You feel so fucking fantastic, I don't even care." He continues his movements, thrusting into you with deep groans and labored breaths. His fingers grip the mattress harder with the veins in his neck bulging out.

Both your bodies move in sync as the familiar sound of skin slapping on skin echoes off the walls of your bedroom. You do your best to keep your moans low, not wanting to risk waking up your daughter.

"Yoon, fuck! I need to come, it's gonna-fuck-happen soon," you swear, pussy throbbing at the feeling of being so full after weeks of abstinence. You can tell you're reaching your high with the bundle of nerves in your core threatening to snap at any given moment.

Of course, you're wet too, extremely wet.

"I'm. Nearly. There." He barely sounds the words out, jaw clenching. "Just another minute, and we can finish together."

Your eyes, which haven't left his since he entered you, begin to glass over with tears. It's overwhelming; his love for you. No matter the doubts that tell you the opposite, you can't give in to their ugly lies. You'll continue to struggle, naturally, but you won't ever let them win. Yoongi's never once given up on you, and neither should you.

"I love you, Yoon...I love you with all my soul," you choke the words, falling apart all at once. "I'm sorry for today. How jealous and irrational I got."

"Don't apologize, doll. I shouldn't have let it go so far, our lack of intimacy and alone time. I promise we're going to make it all right okay?"

Giving you one last thrust, you both have your release at the same time. Yoongi helps ride your orgasm out by lazily continuing to grind into you. Yeah, you might need to shower and switch out the sheets after tonight, but you don't regret it one bit.

"In all seriousness baby," Yoongi speaks up, guiding your legs back on the soft mattress until you’re comfortable. "Don't feel like you have to apologize for everything. I understand your feelings and where you were coming from. I will say, the silent treatment kills me though. I'd rather you yell at me than not talk to me at all."

"It's not easy for me to raise my voice like that, Yoon." You throw your arms around his neck and sigh softly. "But I can try talking to you more, or at least tell you I need some time to process before I'm ready to have a conversation. I don't know, am I making sense?"

"Plenty of sense. I'll share more about my day with you and who I'm talking to as well. We'll also carve out time to have together. I love our daughter, but I don't see the harm in reaching out to our friends and family to babysit once in a while."

"Well, this sounds good to me," you hum.

"Me too." Yoongi smiles wide and goes in for another warm kiss. Your eyes flutter shut in unison.

This is what love feels like.

a/n: LMK what you think 🥰

Masterlist | Requests: closed | Taglist | Fic Recs

no reposting, copying, or translating my work– © kookslastbutton

[waddleonmywaywardducks]

How to get back into your practice after a burnout

Alot of times in our practices, we often just straight up forget. Not going to lie to you I didn't practice much until I got out of my mom's home...which was one year ago. And I also have a theory that since paganism isnt dogmatic and is meant to be ran by a community we fall out really easy, it's natural, paganism is different now. But anyways here is chaos's master guide on how to put on your big girl panties and get back the work.

(disclaimer: just because these things worked for me doesn't mean it's going to work for everyone else, this post is completely upg. I'm just offering advice.)

Starting out small

What never stuck to me is those post that are like: "stir your intentions into your coffee, light incense, pray" because like yeah thats a good way to start off I really dont think itll set in our brains to do this everyday. Instead what I recommend is finding days to practice and sticking to that day. Find a day where you useally do nothing and dedicate it to getting back into your practice.

You could use this day to research on all the things you forgotten (been there)

Or you could just leave offerings out for your deities and call it a day

I think if you uphold a certain schedule your mind will get into the habit of "oh today's witch day, time to do witchcraft" this is basic psychology, and I promise it works 😭😭

Deity work and getting back into it

Little reminder: your gods are not mad at you. They do not hate you. They love you.

I have had so many falling outs with deities because I just couldn't uphold a schedule. Hekate being one of them. Hekate really showed me the way once I moved out of my mother's house, and after so many ins and outs of my worship to her, she still showed me love and compassion. I promise your gods will do the same. They understand our mortal lives more then you comprehend. After all, this is their earth.

Stuff you can do to get back into worship with your deities:

- offerings, big or small

- dedicate days to them, in my schedule Hekate is worshipped on Monday, and Aphrodite on Friday.

- research ways to connect with them more

- don't make big promises that you will get back into your practice and never fall out again, thats just putting yourself in more responsibility, your gods will now expect that responsibility. I've done this before and I definitely got side eyed by Hekate 😭😭

I recommend reading over these lovely post by @/khaire-traveler

Subtle deity worship

I honestly used this alot to get back into worship with my deities 😭😭 these posts go into worship you could do for deities while you are either hiding your practice or just want to do something for your gods. Really helpful post 10/10.

Getting back into witchcraft

I know I kind of went over this already, but I feel like there needs to be some small steps to getting back into witchcraft before we get to rituals, spells and stuff of that sort.

To get back into witchcraft, I recommend meditating, either by yourself or with your deities. Meditation allows you to just focus on the present and let go of all your stresses. I like to meditate with my deities because I get visions from them easily this way, it's easier for me to communicate.

From there you can do research on the basics of witchcraft and work your way up to rituals and spell work... hopefully all of this makes sense

Anyways yeah that's all the advice I have to getting back into your practice, if I have anything else to add I'll reblog this and add more. But yeah! I really hopes this helps at least someone lol.

[sunshinesteviee]

quality time - s.h.

summary: steve has some quality time with his newborn wc: 1.1k warnings: descriptions of steve's scars, dad!steve & mom!reader a/n: so i'm pretty sure this was originally a request from an anon literally forever ago, but i cannot for the life of me find the ask, i'm so so sorry! it's been a while since i've posted, so just a lil something for y'all. hope you enjoy! <3

Masterlist

“You wanna hold him again, love?” you ask your husband in a murmur, barely able to pull your gaze up from your newborn. He’s tiny and perfect, and you just can’t get enough of him, even after a couple of hours. 

Steve’s perched next to you on the bed, one strong arm around your body. His thumb traces short, gentle lines over the hill of your shoulder, nose pressing against your temple as he gazes down at your son, “Mhm, yeah, if—“

“You better not be saying ‘if it’s okay with me’, he’s your son, too, Steve. Here, you take him,” you elbow him gently, knowing exactly what he’s thinking. It’s adorable, but totally not necessary. 

His cheeks flame red as he carefully takes the bundle of blankets from you, sheepish as he mumbles, “That’s not what I was gonna say—“

“Save it, baby, I know you better than that.”

He huffs but doesn’t say anything, immediately drawn to his baby boy in his arms instead. He looks like a mini version of you, your nose and eyes that he loves so much; it makes his heart grow ten times bigger. He does have a full head of hair that’s definitely the Harrington gene, though. And maybe he has Steve’s lips, too. 

Steve pulls his arms up, pressing a kiss to his head gently before he moves towards the chair in the corner of the room that he’s claimed as his. Just as he’s about to settle into the chair, a nurse enters the room to check on everyone. She smiles at the sight of your baby boy in Steve’s arms and says, “You know, there’s a lot of benefits of doing skin-to-skin with your newborn. Especially for dad and baby. Helps to regulate baby, and is great for bonding with your baby. Wanna give it a try?”

You expect Steve to say no. Not that he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to, but you can count the number of times you’ve seen him with his shirt off in public on one hand. After his time in the upside down, he’s marred with scars. Deep ones that eat into his sides and pucker his skin, that are rough and not pleasant to look at. The first time he’d gotten up the courage to take off his shirt at the pool, scars still fresh and pink, he’d gotten incredulous looks and nasty stares. He’d quickly learned that it was better to keep his clothes on to keep the questions to a minimum. He wasn’t ashamed, it was just easier that way. The only times Steve took his shirt off in public was if it was around people who knew what had happened, and even then, sometimes he didn’t want to. The scars were a reminder of all the shit they’d been through, and sometimes it was easier to pretend they didn’t exist. 

So, to say you’re surprised when Steve immediately agrees is an understatement. You watch in shock — and admiration — as Steve hands your son back to you for a moment so he can pull his shirt over his head. In fact, you’re not sure you’ve ever seen him remove his shirt so quickly, even after all your years together. The bite-shaped scars, though not as prominent as they once were, are on full display, still slightly pink and raised against his tan skin. If the nurse notices, she doesn’t say anything; she only smiles, suppressing a laugh as Steve trades you his shirt for your son. 

He takes him carefully, as if your son is made of glass and could break at any moment. He handles him so delicately it makes your heart burst, and you cradle Steve’s shirt to your own chest. Steve finally sits down, placing his little boy in his lap so he can unwrap the blankets and get him out of his tiny onesie. It’s so small that it nearly makes you cry, even more so as you watch your husband lift your son back up and lay him against his chest once the onesie has been set aside. 

He pauses for a moment, not quite comfortable in the chair yet, eyes flicking to the nurse in the corner of the room as he asks, “It’s not— he’s not gonna be too cold, right?”

“Not at all! Skin to skin is actually great for regulating a baby’s body temperature. He’ll be just fine.”

Steve considers what she’s saying and then nods, finally leaning back into his chair, holding your boy to his chest, “Yeah. Okay, yeah, that’s good.” For someone who had been almost as terrified about being a dad as he was excited, he’s taking to it quickly, just like you knew he would. You knew his insecurities had more to do with his parents than his own ability to be a parent, and so far, he’s already proving himself wrong. 

The newborn scrunch is in full effect, your son’s tiny limbs tucked mostly underneath his body against Steve’s chest. He looks content, and you honestly can’t blame him — Steve’s chest is also one of your favorite places to be. Your husband looks just as content; one hand covering the entirety of your son’s back, fingers behind his head for support, the other hand on his small, diaper-covered bum to keep him in place. Steve’s eyes flutter closed after a few moments, settling back into the chair comfortably.

There’s a Polaroid camera sitting on the bedside table next to you, and you reach for it so you can take a picture. You want to remember this. Not only for the sweet moment, but also for Steve’s clear and immediate love for his little boy. The noise of the camera is a lot louder than you anticipated, and Steve cracks one eye open, sending you the best fake glare he can muster with just one eye. It’s ridiculous and it makes you laugh behind your hand, not wanting to wake your sleeping baby. You murmur a half-hearted apology as the picture prints, not really meaning it. 

Steve snorts his own laugh, his chest moving enough for your little boy to grunt quietly in protest, shifting his position against Steve. Quick to soothe, Steve pats at his tiny back gently, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, “I know, I know, I’m sorry, sweetheart. Mama’s interrupting our quality time, huh? She had nine whole months with you, and she just has to interrupt us.” 

“Steve,” you giggle, shaking your head as you hold up the now developed picture, “I was trying to capture the moment!”

“Shhh, we’re bonding!”

[plussizefantasia]

Unsure Hearts

Read Part One Here: Fluttering Hearts

Warnings: Reader gets grabbed, alcohol, I think that's it tbh

an: heyyyy... sorry I was MIA, lots of stuff going on I'll post an update about it soon. In the meantime enjoy part two of the Kili x reader fic from Flufftober. I think this will be a five-part fic including an epilogue and the next two parts are already underway. I've also got some requests ready to be edited and posted soon. Thank you for bearing with me, much love <3

Kili Durin x Human!Soulmate!reader

Word Count: 1.8K

Thorin was getting worried, Kili had become somewhat of a ghost story over the past month. He had assumed that his nephew was simply doing his duty. Kili had volunteered to be the envoy between Dale and Erebor for the discussions of armament and training. However, that treaty was signed a week ago, and said envoy position was no longer needed. So why in all of Arda was Kili still going to Dale every day? The young prince left as soon as he was finished with his daily tasks and didn’t return to the mountain until well after the sun had set. Thorin was not worried for his nephew's safety, after all, Kili was an excellent warrior and could take care of himself, no, Thorin was worried for Kili’s heart. 

Fili had also noticed his brother’s absence but the blonde prince had always been a bit more perceptive than his surly uncle. Fili had noticed that Kili was missing, but he also noticed that every time he returned to the mountain it was with the most dopey grin that he had ever seen. A grin that he recognized, for it had also graced his face a few months ago when he met his beloved Alma. Fili would bet his beard on it, Kili was in love.

You on the other hand were getting more and more annoyed each time the brown-haired dwarf walked through the front door. He was charming sure, and polite. But he stared. At you. The whole time he was there. And he was there a lot. His attempts to engage you in conversation were far and few between, the few times he was able to grab your attention away from the bustling building he became tongue-tied the moment your eyes landed on his.

Kili didn’t understand why he couldn’t say more than a few words to you without choking on his words. Your eyes had to hold some kind of spell within them. They enchanted him and left him bewitched every time he caught their gaze. It left him frustrated, he had never had this much trouble with women before, why were you so different? Deep down he knew though, you weren’t just any woman. He was afraid though, afraid that naming what you were to him out loud would make it real. And when it is real, it can hurt you. 

There weren’t very many stories on One’s where the love didn’t end up requited, either because it just simply never happened. Dwarves were incredibly stubborn creatures after all, and it was entirely possible that they just wore down their other half until some sort of connection formed. It was also possible that those unfortunate few who weren’t able to woo their other half died of broken hearts. The former was unlikely as Kili kept having to remind himself, he couldn’t die of a broken heart. Right?

He was determined tonight though, to find out definitively if the sparks he felt for you were just interest in the handsome woman from Bree, or if you truly were the other half of his soul. To do that though he would need to say more than a few words to you. The problem with that was that you seemed exceptionally busy tonight.

Busy you were, Brant had told you last night that he was going to be leaving today to go to visit family for some type of emergency. 

“If the place is still standing when I get back, we’ll talk more about it becoming yours someday.” He had said. You were hoping that that ‘someday’ was sooner rather than later. Brant was getting up there in years. Just last week he had hurt himself trying to lift one of the barrels of ale that had been shipped in from the Iron Hills. You had been taking on more and more of his old tasks and to be completely honest, it felt like you did the job of an owner anyway, just without all the benefits.

You weren’t going to let the man down though, even if it did mean rushing back and forth all night trying to keep up with demand all by yourself.

“Another! Y/N,” was yelled in front the back of the room. Roland was a boisterous man who got along with everyone, he was only a year or two older than you and was currently on his eighth pint of the night. He had a large countenance and seemed to fill up whatever space he occupied, he was handsome but the more and more he drank the less his looks mattered. Usually, this is the point in the night where he starts bordering more on unruly rather than fun-loving. Nevertheless, he was a paying customer and as long as he could still walk on his own out the doors, you weren’t going to say no to his money.

You grabbed another pint glass and poured one for him, balancing it and several other drinks on a tray. You steeled yourself with a deep breath before running back out into the fray. 

Walking close to the stool he was sat on you leaned slightly over him and placed his pint down on the counter beside him. He was engrossed in the conversation between the large group of men, something about the best way to skin a buck, you weren’t really listening. As you grabbed his empty glass to take back to the kitchen to be washed, his large hand encircled your wrist none too gently.

“A pint is a wonderful thing, but it is even more delicious when served by a beautiful lady,” He whispered into your ear. You grit your teeth and roughly pull your hand back. 

“Now, Roland, what have we said about touching things that don’t belong to you? Huh? Touch the wrong thing and you might just lose your hand.” You spit back at him. Cutting your eyes up at the mounted swords that rest above the fireplace only a few steps from where the two of you are. “I’d hate to have to clean those swords, they are sharp.” You look back into his eyes, satisfied with the fear that you see within them. You stand back up and place your tray back upon your shoulder. 

“Anything else I can get you gents?” You question the other men scattered about the space. Silence reigned over the air for a few moments. 

“Alrighty then.” 

A pint here, a glass of wine there, and two hot meals delivered later, your tray was empty and everyone in the place seemed momentarily satisfied. 

 Letting out a breath you lean up against the counter.

“What did you say to him?” A somewhat familiar voice pipes up beside you. You turn your head towards the voice. It's the dwarf prince, and you are once again struck with just how handsome he is. You are also struck with the familiar feeling of annoyance, of course, he picked now to talk to you. Just when you had finally afforded yourself a break.

“Hmm?” You raise a singular eyebrow at him. “Who?”

“That large and very drunk man in the back, I couldn’t hear what you said but I could see the look on his face. It was similar to my brother’s when our mother would scold him for forgetting his manners.”

“That’s not too far off actually, Roland over there got a little too comfortable and touched something that didn’t belong to him, I had to remind him of the rules.”

“And what exactly did he touch that was so forbidden?” The prince smirks and laughs.

You smirk back and lift a glass to your lips before uttering one single word, “Me.”

All of the laughter drained from Kili’s face, “He touched you?” His voice had gotten much lower, his eyes darkened right before you.

 You rolled your eyes. “I’m going to stop you right there Your Highness, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I’ve been doing it for years. I don’t need some man, no matter how handsome he is coming to defend my honor every time I’m even remotely slighted. The trail of bodies will get far too long.” You stare into his eyes as you speak, putting all the righteous fury you’ve got stored inside into each word. 

Seconds tick by before he opens his mouth to speak again.

“You think I’m handsome?”

“I think that we have bigger problems if that is the only thing you got from that.” You took another sip.

“No, no, no I got the point, you don’t need a big strong man to come to your rescue. Lucky for you, I am not big.”

The laugh that sprung from the back of your throat caught you off guard, you slap a hand over your mouth in an impossible effort to catch it and shove it back inside. He was funny, he had never been funny before.

Kili liked your laugh even though it was closer to a snort than an actual laugh, and he would be foolish to ignore the way his heart picked up at the thought that he was the one who made you laugh.

“You- I- I have never heard of a dwarf who makes fun of themselves, in my limited experience your lot are very prideful.”

“Not as prideful as some other races, I should think.”

“No, you’re not nearly as prideful as the pointy-eared bastards who hole themselves up in that accursed forest.” Your words held a healthy amount of rage as well as teasing.

“I sense that there is a story there somewhere.” Kili raised an eyebrow, mimicking your face from earlier. He was desperately trying not to think about the fact that this was the longest conversation the two of you had had up to date.

“One that I’m going to need a lot more liquid courage before divulging, I’m afraid.”

“We can make that happen.” Kili wiggled his eyebrows and pointed at the bottles of liquor behind the bar that separated the two of you.

At that very moment, a shout from the rowdy bunch of men in the back rang out, calling for another round.

“Duty calls your highness, but perhaps I will tell you that story… another time.” You winked at him and grabbed for your tray again, beginning to load it up once more. If that is how conversations with the dwarf prince went all the time, you wouldn’t mind having them more often.  

You walked away before Kili could come up with a response, but he was more certain than he ever had been that your heart called to his. Why else would the very sight of you walking away feel like his heart was leaving too?

Read Part 3 here: Troubled Hearts

tags: @bunnybabe-babydoll @kokochanel111 @shiinata-library @oneiratxxia10

[petermorwood]

Potato Crisps / Chips on Tasting History

So we've just watched Max's latest...

...and I was grinning a bit because I posted about Dr Kitchiner's 1817 (non-US, definitely non-Saratoga) crisps / chips recipe a month ago.

That image was from an American edition of his book; I've found a pic from the original - NB that these slices are floured before frying.

For reference, here's a two-penny piece from about 1797; the coin would still be current 20 years later:

...and here's how thick the potatoes should be sliced. That's 4mm, which is 2mm less than "a quarter of an inch" (6.25mm).

The slices will get even thinner as their moisture evaporates during frying, and, given the nature of recipes, potatoes cooked this way are probably even older than 1817 and Kitchiner's is just the first appearance found so far in print.

*****

The first recipe for "Game Chips" (an accompaniment to grouse, pheasant etc.) appeared, per the Wikipedia link, in a 1903 book published by famous chef Auguste Escoffier (1846-1935):

"Chip potatoes - these are potatoes cut into thin slices; this is usually done with a special plane. (A mandoline.) They are put in cold water for 10 minutes; then drained, dried in a cloth and fried until very crunchy. They are served hot or cold and generally accompany game roasted in the English style."

However, per Escoffier's Wikipedia page, much of his work was based on that of Anton Carême (1783-1833), whose dates are squarely coincident with Dr Kitchiner's Potato Slices.

Given the amount of cookery to-and-fro between England and France after the Napoleonic wars were over, it's impossible to say who first came up with the idea of potato crisps.

The French loved dainties - "un petit quelquechose", a little something - which the English pronounced and dismissed as "kickshaws", something over-fussy yet insubstantial. Yet those same English also loved roasting things with their appropriate accompaniments.

(I'm writing this just over a week after Christmas, and have been well reminded that the phrase "Roast (turkey / goose / beef) With All The Trimmings" is still in common 21st-century use.)

If those roasted things were game birds, only those above a certain level in society would be eating them, so it's not unreasonable to assume a rich-person game bird would attract fussy, time-consuming rich-person trimmings like, okay, Game Chips.

One thing's for sure, Potato Crisps - and Game Chips too, so hard luck, Escoffier - are almost certainly older than even Tasting History could prove.

*****

BTW, they also existed at a time when "English Food Was Bland" is more fake history.

Sauces put out on the table in fancy bottles had fancy labels ("bottle tickets") showing what was in them, and the contents were often far from bland.

Quin sauce was anchovy-based, hot and pungent.

Harvey's was a spicy sauce similar to Worcestershire, ketchup was probably mushroom and also spicy; the other two need no elaboration.

AFAIK the two crescent-shaped ones in the next pics are deliberate imitations of an officer's rank-gorget.

Finally a generic Not-Bland label that would go on any number of modern bottles (antique silver, yours for £250)...

*****

And after all of the above, I could do Very Bad Things to a packet of Tayto Cheese 'n' Onion. A packet?

Why stop at a packet when A Pack takes less time to say?

After all, It Is Written that:

"Reading One Book Is Like Eating One Potato Crisp Chip."

And also that Nothing Exceeds Like Excess...

[cl-0v3r]

I've definitely said this multiple times before on different platforms, but one thing that truly gets me all the time is how child-like Mel looks whenever she's upset with her mother or past (or literally any of her life choices basically.) , especially during episode 9 when she argues with Ambessa.

Her face felt more round and softened, her eyes widened and a little more shiny, her mouth really downturned. She is often so collected and poised, so the entire change in her demeanor in this scene was very clear to me yet I've never seen people talk about it before for some reason.

It's like Mel was being in her younger self's boots again in both a literal way and metaphorical, asking the question she really wanted the answer to all those years ago. She wasn't councilor Medarda here, she was just herself, Mel.

Not only that, but I think it was done to show that Mel, who has a lot of power over the council,has a higher standing than most characters we see in the show and often holds her head so high, has her moments of weakness and loss of said power when her Mother arrives. so much so you could see it visually with your own eyes, how she was often smartly placed in a way that her eyes looked down on whoever she spoke to, until Ambessa came in the picture and she instead stood higher than she is, and it just proves the fact that Mel is weak to her, that she is still but a confused child in comparison to Ambessa, it's like we see her from her Mothers eyes rather than ours.

Because she banished Mel when she was younger to piltover for a literal decade, she hadn't watched her grow up or grow at all, she didn't see her control the reins of her own life, so it would make sense that Mel is still that little girl she knew before.

It sort of reminds me of how jinx has two different faces (you can check out bridging the rift for that) , a sharper and dangerous kind and a more rounder, innocent and chidlike kind. When Vi found Jinx and got reunited with her, the softened version of her appeared as if it was Powder rather than Jinx, that she was powder again, Vis little sister. But then Caitlyn appeared and so did the firelights, and we see her get more aggressive, losing the softness, reverting back to Jinx again.

So I really do think the same thing is happening with Mel, she often has this elegant mask that she wears that makes her cunning, sly, powerful, uncontrollable, which falls down immediately once she is faced with the SAME person who had gotten her to wear that mask years ago, only for her to put it back on again, and for it to fall yet again in the end.

Although Mels main parallel is with Viktor (which i do wanna talk about in a future post), the similarities she has with Powder&Jinx is insane, considering that they're both extremely different from one another.

This might get edited soon to be written properly, I apologize for any mistakes.

[kingofthering]

motogp riders as hockey players

This has been a long time in the making but we are finally here. Promised myself I would take care of MotoGP after doing F1 two years ago and I landed on some stuff. Probably couldn't have finished this without the help of @moonshynecybin, @vanillow and every other person who had opinions on this in my polls and ask box.

I am not known to know how to make choices. I struggled to make some of those decisions (it's a miracle they didn't all end up on the wing). Also I've kind of been in a hockey break the last couple of years so the real players comparisons weren't coming to me as easily as they did for F1, sorry.

Would love to hear your opinions (don't be mean about my choices or I will cry) (okay bye).

2024 grid

Aleix Espargaro : I rewrote this one so many times because to me Aleix could play any position but everyone sees him as a goalie and I will agree on that. Big Flower vibes except Aleix was drafted in the 5th round and arrived in the NHL and started establishing himself later. At some point his team’s captain leave and they don’t name a new one (team just has 3 or 4 As like it happens sometimes) and Aleix already had one of those As but he's nicknamed Capitán anyway. Has a rookie leaving with him pretty much every year.

Alex Marquez : Defense baby, very evident to me. He blocks a lot of shots (part of the best PK of the league and all) and always gets into fights to defend Marc.

Alex Rins : Calm, defensive d-man. Moves teams a bit but never needs long to be given an A.

Augusto Fernandez : I am sorry I know so little about Augusto this is a little bit of a struggle. We’ll do center that mostly manage the 3rd line.

Brad Binder : Also someone I struggled to pinpoint so I tried thinking about hockey players he reminded me of and the first guy that came to me was Morgan Reilly. Then I thought of guys with little brothers that are a little more feisty and brain supplied me with Quinn Hughes so that’s probably a sign to go defense.

Enea Bastianini : Top 5 pick. Winger that lost the Calder fight to Jorge Martin (did you know that they technically were born only 30 days apart because I just realized when checking their draft class). Kind of a little shit on the ice but so good at what he does. Will bitch about having to speak English at any occasion. The media adores him anyway.

Fabio Di Giannantonio : 3rd round pick that arrives in the league 3 years post draft. Feels a little scrappy to me despite the fact that he has the softest of voices in interviews. Position? Hm. Also a toss-up. I’ll go defense. PP2.

Fabio Quartararo : First round pick that everyone criticizes until he proves everyone wrong by winning the Cader the season right after the draft. Winger, very talented, almost wins the Art Ross in his second season before struggling in the last quarter. Calder Trophy winner. The comparisons to Marc go crazy that first year (Fabio is star struck the first time they're face to face on the ice, thank god they're not dealing with FOs).

Franco Morbidelli : I think he’ll forever be a little enigma to me but I want to say goalie. Makes attempts for goalie goals every now and then. Succeeds at least once.

Jack Miller : 4th liner center that would deserve to go up and down between the AHL and the NHL but alas, he’s no longer on his ELC :) Definitely talks too much (both in and out of the ice), gets into a lot of fights, doesn’t win that many of them.

Joan Mir : The one that everyone predicted would be first overall but he wasn’t (Shane Wright vibes, sorry) (I’ve seen both Slaf & Pecco with my own eyes and they indeed have a big size difference so we’ll end the comparison here). Oh, and that’s a center baby.

Johann Zarco : Genuinely can’t even imagine him on ice skates. Maybe defense.

Jorge Martin : Center. Gets drafted lower than he expected but does beat Enea to get the Calder despite a big injury in his rookie year. Lives at Aleix place when he arrives in the league, spends so much time with the kids, etc etc

Luca Marini : My instinct was defense (while being aware of my ‘taller guys go play defense’ bias) and I have seen some arguments about putting him at center. I think putting him on the offensive line puts even more pressure on him re: being Valentino’s brother and I do like d-man Luca. Can’t imagine his beautiful face marred by a puck/stick/elbow bruise (or god forbid a broken tooth) but hm, we’ll ignore that.

Marc Marquez : Speedy crafty winger. True mix of Sidney Crosby and Connor McDavid (yes they’re both centers, I know, I do not care) (if we wanna name actual wingers, Callie also said Travis Konecny and Johnny Gaudreau and I approve very much). Boy wonder that the media has been following forever. Angel face that does get into fights sometimes (Alex has to defend him so much because he’s tiny and good so obviously big guys come after him). 1st overall. Calder winner. Art Ross winner. Hart winner. You can’t really win the Stanley Cup on your rookie season when you’re first overall but he wins it early on anyway (think Sid in 2009, Kane/Toews in 2010).

Marco Bezzecchi : Winger. Connects with Pecco so well. Gets into fights and trash talks a little too much while having his mouthguard out of his mouth more often than in (think Matthew Tkachuk). Always plays it up for the camera when their photos are being taken when arriving at the arenas (and loves to have fun with some of his fits).

Maverick Viñales : Another one I could see in various positions. Definitely a first overall that had huge hopes put on his shoulders during his first years and then things faltered a little (bunch of trades, struggling to find his place within teams, etc). Fighter that went calmer with age. Since I can’t have an Aleix/Maverick d-pair, I think I’m gonna keep him at center.

Miguel Oliveira : I think solid center. Takes care of the second line. Probably has an A.

Pecco Bagnaia : Center and it’s not negociable in any world. Could be a 1st overall that disappoints a bunch of people by not getting the Calder. Very clinical play. Could see him as a two-ways forward (Anze Kopitar is coming to mind). Played college hockey with Bezz & Cele (was living with Bezz but Cele was at the house all of the time anyway, already in that first year where he was assigned to the dorms) (inspiration here being my beloved 2021-2022 UMich team).

Pedro Acosta : Winger. 1st overall. Calder trophy winner. Gets compared to Marc a lot and is so tired of it. Trash talks so much when he’s on the ice and on the bench (and in the penalty box). Was the very last rookie to live with Aleix, the last year before Aleix’s retirement. Scores a Michigan goal somewhere in his first 10 games in the NHL.

Raul Fernandez : I kind of want a brothers d-pair so I’m going to go defense for the Fernandez brothers. Arrives in the league the second year after his draft despite being drafted halfway through round 2.

Takaaki Nakagami : I can see him as a center, captain of his team at Worlds/Olympics. Has the best fits for rink arrivals (sorry Bezz).

retired riders

Valentino Rossi : So. Listen. Valentino is obviously a legend of the sport, maybe of Gretzky’s level. Obviously a 1st overall. Won the Calder. Won the Art Ross & the Hart on several occasions. Several Cups and one Conn Smythe trophy. You get the picture. Now, he’s a forward, we all know that. I posted a poll about his position and literally got a 50/50 split between center and winger. My initial gut feeling was center and then several of you gave arguments for wing and talking with Maddie led me to the changing positions at some point / playing both options (like all the guys who have double availabilities when you do fantasy hockey, real life example could be Leon Draisaitl occasionally). Anyway. I’m gonna be a little stubborn there and stay with center (although I was very delighted when my brain came with the idea of Jorge Lorenzo having to center both Vale & Marc). The intensity of those blue eyes at the dot? 70% faceoffs wins ratio ✨ Additionally, not much of a fighter (not until he bulks up please) but he definitely has a mouth on him when he’s in the mood. Very loud. He wins the best shootout goal + celly thing at the ASG at minimum 3 times in a row.

Jorge Lorenzo : Center and not taking any criticism on that one. Very good at faceoffs. Definitely challenges Valentino for his spot on the first line when he first gets in the league and yet, they connect extraordinarily well on the PP. Moves teams a bunch toward the end of his career and retire early because of an injury. 

Dani Pedrosa : First place my brain went was ‘he’s so tiny please let him go on a wing’. It also allows him to be centered by Jorge when they play together during World Juniors and they’re soooo good (despite the rivalry that obviously also exists in there, don’t worry). I will say, I could see him centering with Nicklas Backstrom vibes as well.

Andrea Dovizioso : Winger. Second rounder who wins the Memorial Cup during his juniors career (with the London Knights, because I said so). Does get into fights, especially where Marc is concerned.

Casey Stoner : Center. Valentino is very bad at faceoffs against him, it's a thing. Casey is named captain of an ASG team in like his second year being invited (Valentino is obviously captain of the other team). Starts taking the game ban over going to the ASG at some point (Ovi who). Has a concussion that takes him out for over half a season, struggles to come back and eventually retires. Also, very canonically, the biggest fisher of them all.

[coconut-dreamz]

cornelia street

'i'd never walk cornelia street again' | tom blyth x reader

part one

a/n: i wasn't going to post a part two but i always wanted to write a story based of cornelia street and it worked so well !

you blinked a few times at his response. "you couldn't wait until morning?" you answer, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. he laughs at your comment. "maybe i should've, but i couldn't. i've missed you so much lately. i just had to talk to you." you were silent for a moment, you wondered how you had ended up here. it was just a few years ago when you first met.

we were in the backseat drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar "i rent a place on cornelia street" i say casually in the car

you and tom were in a cab headed away from the bar you had just met at. you had previously whispered into his ear between kisses, that you rented a place nearby. you were both more than tipsy and definitely not in the right mindset to be doing this. 

but that didn't matter, you might have been tipsy on the drinks you had, but you were drunk off his kisses. you gave more than the necessary amount of money to the driver as you dragged tom out of the cab and up to your apartment. 

we were a fresh page on the desk filling in the blanks as we go as if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead leading us home

you and tom were walking down the street hand in hand. you'd been seeing each other for a few weeks now. there was no official title on your relationship, you just went on dates and hung out and maybe did things further than kissing sometimes. everything about your relationship was rather spontaneous, but one thing that was constant was that you'd walk home together after every night out. walking hand in hand down cornelia street to your apartment.

and i hope i never lose you, hope it never ends  i'd never walk cornelia street again that's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend i'd never walk cornelia street again

as time went on, tom officially asked you out and you asked him to move into your apartment. things were going amazing, especially since he had just landed the role of coriolanus snow in the newest hunger games movie. you were so proud of him, you always knew that he'd be successful, he was so talented.

as tom began filming for tbosas, a strange feeling filled your stomach. you weren't sure what it was at first, but quickly realized it was jealousy when you saw him and rachel interact over a facetime call one time. you knew that if things ended between you and tom, you  might never recover. 

to you, he was your soulmate, he was the one for you. he was everything. and because of that you knew that if things ever ended, you would never be able to walk cornelia street again. it would remind you too much of tom.

and baby, i get mystified by how this city screams your name and baby, i'm so terrified of if you ever walk away i'd never walk cornelia street again

despite having lived in new york long before you had met tom, the whole city reminded you of him. everywhere you went, you'd be reminded of him. it was both a blessing and a curse for you. he was still gone for filming and you missed him dearly, so it nice to be reminded of him. but every time you thought about how he was filming, you'd be reminded of who he was filming with. rachel. she was so beautiful and so talented, of course tom would rather be with her instead of you. it would be hard to avoid cornelia street if it all were to end. 

back when we were card sharks, playing games i thought you were leading me on i packed my bags, left cornelia street

before you even knew i was gone

you'd had enough of the games you and tom were playing. all the constant fights which led to tom's indifference of your relationship. you were tired of it all. you needed to get away from it, you needed to get away from cornelia street.  you packed up your bags and arranged to stay with a friend, indefinitely. 

too bad tom had caught you as you left, which led to an awkward encounter where you told him you were leaving him and not to contact you for at least 6 weeks. in all honesty, you never expected him to contact you again after that. he seemed so checked out of your relationship lately. 

but then you called, showed your hand i turned around before i hit the tunnel sat on the roof, you and i

"love? you still there? or did you fall asleep?" tom interrupts your reminiscing. "huh? oh yeah, sorry." you answer him,  brought back to reality.  "can i see you soon? i missed you so much. can we just talk about all of this?" he pleads with you. "sure," you almost immediately agree. you'd never thought you'd hear this from him, but it was a welcome surprise. "do you want to get coffee later today? my treat, for waking you up so early. i'm on a short break from filming so i'm back in new york right now." you just hum in response. you can hear a smile in tom's voice as he gives you more details and bids you a goodnight.

you never thought you'd be walking down cornelia street again, but here you were. walking towards the cafe you and tom would always go to, way back when. tom spots you immediately when you walk in. he stands up from his seat and envelopes you in a bear hug. "i've missed you so much." he whispers into the crook of your neck. it takes a moment for you to reciprocate, surprised by the affection and his confession. "i missed you too, tom" you answer him.

you hold my hand on the street walk me back to that apartment years ago, we were just inside barefoot in the kitchen sacred new beginnings that became my religion, listen

after coffee, tom invited you to come over. it felt weird being invited to your own apartment, but you just laughed it off. you had deja vu as you walked down the street with him, hand in hand. as you looked up to the window of your apartment, you remember how you would dance around in the living room together. you remember all of your firsts together in that apartment. 

as you entered your old apartment, it looked just how you'd left it. "i couldn't bear the thought of moving anything around. i knew you'd come back so i kept it just how you like it," tom explains when he sees the look on your face. you just smile at this. "i was hoping you would."

"i rent a place on cornelia street" i say casually in the car

it had been a few weeks since you and tom started talking again. you both came to an agreement that since it was your apartment and he was still filming for the new season of billy the kid, you'd move back in and he could stay with a friend instead. you both knew it was too soon to move back in together. your relationship needed a lot of mending to be done to get to that.

tom was back once again for a short break from filming and you'd gone out to a bar with some friends. in similar fashion to when you first met, you whispered into his ear "i rent a place on cornelia street" in between kisses in a darkened hallway. he just gives you a knowing smile as you led him out the bar and hail a cab. it seemed you both would continue to walk cornelia street again.

[syoddeye]

useless, part three

Part three (and the finale!) of my submission to @glitterypirateduck's O, Captain! Challenge. As a reminder, I rolled a d100 to select three prompts. I finally used my third prompt.

42. The story spans over a period of 10 or more years

14. Opposites attract

66. Price or Reader is auctioned off for a date as part of a fundraiser

cw: one pregnancy mention (Reader does not get pregnant, has never been pregnant)

Read Part One, Part Two. Tag list: @v1x3n @kiranezra

~4.2k words, Price x f!Reader. This is the most self-indulgent shit I've written in awhile. Please enjoy.

It's past midnight when you limp through the front door of your flat, dropping belongings and articles of clothing alike, shedding both the weight of personhood and your eighteen-hour day. You set your keys down on the end of the counter, ignoring the thin folder for the umpteenth time. James will undoubtedly text about it in the morning, his patronizing messages more reliable than any alarm clock. A half-hour commute home, and you didn't even glance at your phone in fear of accidentally seeing another email from his lawyer. Solicitor. Whatever.

Hamhock slinks out from his lair beneath the bed, weaving between your ankles when you drag yourself into the bathroom.

"Hello Hammy," You whisper, eyeing the newer crop of gray hairs near your roots with a weary neutrality. Definitely the fundraiser's fault. Your hair started to change long before this year's planning began, but this is the longest period you've gone without dyeing it. One thing to thank James for. Not only did his departure give you a crystal clear focus, it freed you from his ridiculous expectations. He'd've commented the moment he spotted the wisps of silver, then casually worked something like anti-aging cream into the conversation.

The prick poisoned the well, and now the only man in the world for you currently lies at your feet. How it should've been from the start, really.

After checking the orange menace's automatic feeder, you slip into bed, allow him to assume his nocturnal throne—your armpit—and plug your phone in one-handed. Your eyes glaze over at the sight of notifications, thumb swiping by muscle memory, and set an alarm. With two weeks left until the big day and more than a hundred unsold tickets, you need every moment you can get. You sigh, counting the tasks of the day ahead instead of sheep.

You'll sign the divorce papers tomorrow.

~~

Naomi practically forces the granola bar into your hands. The assistant stage manager and the props lead—the younger woman is the glue to your glue. A newer fixture at the Bramble Theatre, she was you to an extent, maybe a decade ago: fresh-faced, eager, and optimistic.

"I didn't like how you were looking at the wax fruit."

"We should swap the oranges for plums. Or pears."

"We've been through this. The oranges fit the palette, from the paintings to Dotty's–oh, quit pulling my leg."

You grin, then jut your chin at the stack of slips in her hand. "Are those the waivers? Did all the volunteers sign?"

"Yes, I can post headshots today on socials, so that should boost sales."

"Good. That's one fire extinguished," Rubbing your temple, you lean back in your chair. "I feel gross about it, though. I mean, we run shows that are hundreds of years old, but a date auction? Why don't we raise a guillotine out front and sacrifice effigies to raise money?"

Naomi blinks and whips out her phone. "...Okay, one, I'm noting the effigy idea for next year, but two, the auction won the vote, and everyone participating volunteered."

You grimace. "I know, it's just–"

The sudden opening of the door to your shoebox office interrupts. Theodore, business manager, director, and occasional movement coach, bursts in. Everybody's a multi-hyphenate.

"Terrible news!"

Wonderful. A new fire. You squint, chewing, and watch Naomi try to stifle a laugh valiantly. "Whatever could this be about?"

The older man slams his palms onto your desk, his layered pendants tinkling. "I've punched the numbers, including a best scenario, stars aligning–"

"Teddy. Out with it."

"–we're going to be £40,000 short. Even if we sell out, even if we raffle off the company like cattle, we are circling the drain!"

The tired amusement leaves your body, and in its wake sits a five-digit number and the distant idea to schedule a salon appointment.

The annual fundraiser for the theater, your hard-won home, is a dramatic, demanding, and near-disastrous event every year. The theater has continuously operated a hair above the red, but the laundry list of expenses from the last year cannot be ignored. The new light rig, the stage flooring replacement, the curtain repairs—they never stop. Sponsors and grants only go so far.

Originally, you took this job for its laughable but slightly higher pay and because running around like a madwoman between four gigs at a time wasn't as thrilling or charmingly bohemian as it was in your twenties. Your livelihood depends on the playhouse's success. And the economy. And the general public's attitude toward the arts. All wildly variable. It made you resourceful, and already, you were composing a mental list of people to politely bully for pledges promised in years past. You need time and a phone charger.

"Teddy," you set the half-eaten granola bar down. "Go get ready for afternoon rehearsal. Naomi, cover for me today?"

"'Course."

Theodore swipes his spindly fingers over his brow, nodding fervently at your resolve. "If anyone can pull it off, it's you. Do tell if there is anything yours truly can do." With a flourish, the director departs your office, but Naomi lingers.

"You know if it's donations we need…"

You shake your head, immediately knowing what she intends to suggest. "Out of the question."

"But think of her–"

"I'd rather debase myself and resort to dinner theatre."

"I'm just saying–"

"Naomi," You stress. "I am not calling my mother."

She frowns. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. Are you really so proud you wouldn't leverage your family's connections to save the Bramble?"

It makes you pause. As usual, she's right. Irritatingly so. You could take another salary cut, but you'd need to find a flatshare, a humiliating idea. Hammy wouldn't survive it, the sensitive thing. You sigh and dismiss her with a wave.

"Fine I won't rule it out. But I'm going to shake down half the city first."

~~

An hour later, you've managed to secure a percentage. Not too shabby, but far from the goal. You take a break to read James's team's latest, vaguely threatening missives and entertain the idea of withholding your signature until he makes a donation. What's a little extortion in the name of art?

You know it's wrong to delay this ugly process. How close relief is should you simply sign the papers. But it's another failure, another black spot in your life's ledger. Another dream crushed beneath the boot of reality. With a wave of bitterness, you type out a curt reply, ensuring you will sign the papers and ask them to arrange for a courier tomorrow.

Naomi's suggestion takes advantage of your mind's lethargy, testing the strength of your will and stubbornness. The last time you phoned your mother was months ago, on the anniversary of dad's death. The old man took his last bow five years back, and it destroyed the last bridge between you and your formidable mother. In retirement, she still holds court with major political players stateside…and across the pond.

Before you let your loathing catch up, you pull up her contact card and dial. It's after noon in D.C., the middle of the week. You might get lucky and reach her voice–

"Is everything alright? You're not in the hospital, are you?" Her donnish, sharp voice hurtles you through time and space to your teenage years. 

"No," You answer with gritted teeth. A headache waits in the wings. "No, I'm fine, mom."

"Then why are you calling?"

This is why dad handled conversations. You stand, swiftly shutting the door to your office and locking it. "Can't I just call my mom?"

"Of course. Historically, you do not," There's a low murmur of chatter in the background. She's at a luncheon or at the club. "So I assume there is a reason."

Having an ex-ambassador for a mother is a joke. All that practised charm for everyone else in the world, none of it reserved for you. "Okay, yes, there is a reason."

"Thought so. Well, darling, what is it? Is it James? Don't tell me you're pregnant."

You return to your desk and eye the bottle of bourbon on the corner. "No. James and I are divorcing, remember? This is about my work."

There is no acknowledgement of the separation. Instead, your mother pulls the phone away from her mouth, excuses herself from wherever she is, and the background noise dissipates. 

"Your work."

"Yes, the Bramble? Look, we're two weeks out from our big annual fundraiser, and–"

"Oh, you need me to write a check." The clicking of her heels halts abruptly, and if you didn't know any better, she wilts. "Fine. How much do you want?"

Your face heats with a mixture of frustration and embarrassment. "I am not asking for money. If you would stop interrupting me…Ugh, mom, I need help contacting some of your old friends here. If there's anyone you know looking for tax deductions or a pet project to brag about, the Bramble is in a bad spot financially."

In the past, whenever the theatre and, by extension, your chosen profession came up, your mother took the opportunity to lecture. She reminded you of the wasted opportunities she afforded you. She brought up your old schoolmates and their current positions. And most insulting of all, she always, always compared you to a certain soldier. Bracing yourself for her monologuing, you reached for the bottle.

"Why didn't you open with that, darling?"

Your fingers close around empty air, and you nearly pitch out of your seat in surprise. "What?"

"Send me the information. I've been meaning to reconnect with some old friends. When is the fundraiser?"

"In two weeks," You repeat, scrambling to pull up your email on the ancient desktop. "Tickets are–"

"Email it. I'll book my flights today and let you know when I'm getting in."

Your hands hover over the keyboard, and your neck protests the angle it bends to keep your phone lodged between ear and shoulder. "Oh, no, mom, you don't need to come."

"Nonsense. I'll, of course, make my own donation, and as a donor, I ought to see where my money is going."

Christ. For the Bramble, you remind yourself and exhale. "Okay. You do that. Listen, I have to get going…but mom?" It kills you to say it. "Thank you."

"You are very welcome. Oh, this will be so much fun. I haven't visited since before your father. You know, on the topic of reconnecting, I happened get an email from the Prices the other day, and John–"

There it is. You kick into fourth gear, rattling off your exit. "I've really got to run. Thanks again mom, send me your flight info. Love you. Bye!"

You feel like you've run a marathon and dodged a bullet. And yet, as you send the email and file the waivers, your mind snags on your mother's words. On a name. His name. It's not the first time your unhelpful brain's waylaid you with a trip down memory lane. Admittedly, it's happened more since James asked for the divorce. Most nights, if it isn't life's stresses hounding you, it's an endless parade of what-ifs behind your eyelids.

What if you studied economics instead? What if you stayed in America? What if you hadn't gone to that stupid New Year's party? What if you hadn't kissed John? If you didn't get on the train? 

The people in your circle frequently speak about living life without regrets. It's a romantic notion and a highly unrealistic one.

Your phone buzzes—Naomi. You're needed. Pushing the past where it belongs, back on a dark shelf, and head out to put out another fire. 

~~ 

Three days before the fundraiser, your mother lands in London and hosts you at her hotel for dinner. Playing catch-up is a professional sport with a whirlwind of names you barely remember and memories you remember very differently.

You pick at dessert, listening to another story.

"–and he was so insistent that that school of yours was a breeding ground for monsters, and I told him, isn't that what's needed in today's society? People need thick skin in politics and business. You'll be happy to know, though, he bought four tickets to the fundraiser."

You don't remember who you're talking about but smile and nod. It's a tough pill to swallow, your mother's success at rallying old friends with deep pockets. Teddy's practically in love with her despite having never met her, popping his bald head into your office to sing her praises whenever another pledge arrives.

Your response is rote. "That's wonderful, mom. Thank you."

She prattles on for another half hour before you decide it's time to return home to Hamhock and burn the midnight oil on the fundraiser's date auction. You asked the company for fifty-word bios and actors, bless them, struggle to contain their self-praises. When she finally pauses to take a sip of wine, you rise. "I should head home, lots to do–"

Ignoring you outright, her head turns, and she grins. "There you are!"

Following her gaze, your brow lowers in confusion until you clap eyes on a trio headed in your direction in the company of a server. Very briefly, you consider the melodramatics of matricide. You've been set up.

Mr. and Mrs. Price look well for their age, puttering toward your mother. They are greyer and a little shorter, but the warmth is there.

John, however…

The universe is intent on humbling you.

The hair is the first thing you notice. Short, kempt, and annoyingly a dark shade of brown. It's crept southward onto his face in a beard of a choice style. There is comfort in the finer details that clarify as he nears. He hasn't escaped time's passing with a face marked by crow's feet, frown lines, and forehead furrows. Beneath his shirt, there's a slight suggestion of a belly, though, with his thick arms and the narrowing of his waist, he's clearly a wall of muscle.

The worst part is how infuriatingly kind his smile looks. It's the beard. Softens him. Once an arrogant prick, always an arrogant prick.

John rumbles your name in a whisper, reeling you in for a polite peck on the cheek. "You're a sight for sore eyes."

You're years beyond fifteen and twenty-five, but how swiftly the impulse to snark resurfaces is alarming. Maturity tempers you. "You look good, too."

After a few minutes of greetings, the two of you are tasked with heading to the bar to fetch drinks. Wholly unnecessary what with a server, but it's a clear command to let the 'adults' talk for a spell. Nevermind being shy of forty. John's quick to try conversation when the order's in.

"You haven't changed a bit," He observes, leaning against the bar beside you. 

"Now there's something a woman wants to hear after a decade." You huff, casting your eyes across the restaurant, finding it difficult to look at him. The dark blue of his sweater makes his eyes pop.

"Fourteen years, actually," He corrects. "Drinking martinis, actin'…"

You snort. "You're half right. The Martini half."

His elbow gently knocks into yours atop the bar. "Apologies. My mother told me you'd been in My Fair Lady last summer."

That draws your attention. "No. The theater put it on, but I'm the stage manager. I haven't been on stage in ages." Your eyes flicker to the table, then back to him. Heat crawls up your collar. What other information has your mother passed along? Glancing down at your bare ring finger, you turn the conversation. "Not so different from a Captain, I reckon. How's that going?"

John squints a little, and his mouth pulls into a familiar smirk, tugging at old strings in your stomach. "Can't complain."

"Riveting stuff," He chuckles at that, a deep rasping sound, and you find yourself grinning. "Don't suppose that bit of clandestine, secret agent-type shit your mom's talked about?"

"Secret agent?"

"Yeah. Mentioned it in a Christmas card maybe three years ago?" You smile triumphantly into your glass. Seems both your mothers have a penchant for dressing up the truth.

His jaw works a tick, and something heavy passes behind his eyes. "Well, 'm not. Not exactly."

"Let me guess. If you told me, you'd have to kill me?"

He refocuses some, and a short laugh leaves him. "Something like that."

It's all painfully familiar, but it feels different with a little more life under your belt. His mere presence keeps you on your toes, yet you haven't felt this comfortable in months. For all the history and tension, talking to him is easy. A silence passes, the drinks arrive, and you ferry them to the table.

The night passes better than you expected when you first saw the Prices. They express belated condolences over your father, you chat about the fundraiser, and John politely navigates questions about his work. It frightens you when he briefly mentions Piccadilly to know he'd been there in the carnage. Part and parcel of military life, you guess. 

"John, be a gentleman and walk her to the station," His mother chides as the five of you congregate in the hotel lobby.

"He doesn't need to do that," You hastily say. Not again.

"'Course."

There is something dreadfully giddy to how your parents wish you both goodnight.

At least you do not need to take his arm this time. Still, there is no way John isn't thinking about that night. Not when that look of quiet desperation he wore is seared within your memory. It's silly, but you peeked at his hands earlier, and like yours, they're naked.

You break the silence to fish. "How long are you on leave?"

"A week. Got in yesterday."

"Do you normally visit your parents?"

"Often."

Doesn't mean there isn't a woman in his life. 'Often' is not 'always'. 

"Visit anyone else? Friends?"

He chuckles. "Sometimes."

You roll your eyes. "You know, you haven't changed much either. Aside from the beard and smoker's lung. Still a stunning conversationalist."

John smirks down at you. "Picked it up in the army."

Oh, yes. He remembers.

The conversation lulls, and the walk is short. You figure John's keen on a repeat when he wordlessly escorts you to the platform. But today's not a holiday, and the station is reasonably busy. He watches like a hawk, nonetheless, when you check the time.

"Brings back memories," He quietly comments.

Nodding, your thumb rubs where your wedding band used to rest. "Sure does." You respond and meet his gaze.

You studied theater, moved back to London, went to the party, and kissed John. You didn't regret those choices—only one.

The invitation flies out of you as your train emerges from the tunnel.

"Do you want to meet Hamhock?"

~~

"He's…certainly orange."

"Don't rush to spend all your compliments at once," You glare, arms full of Ham, then coo at the cat. "John's jealous because he's going grey in the beard."

"I am not."

"Saw them on the Tube. Can't those from me," You tease and set the cat down, giving your kitchen a quick glance. A silver lining of work eating up your schedule is that you last cleaned two weeks ago, and it's held.

"What're those on your head then?" He gestures with a finger and toes off his shoes. 

"Details of a person ageing gracefully." You play it confidently, but part of you holds a breath.

He hums and sidesteps Hamhock. "Suits you. It's pretty."

Maybe inviting him over is a mistake. The bolt that runs through you from the compliment pokes at something you thought buried. "What a gentleman," You try to inject as much sarcasm as possible, but your voice quivers. "I'll be right back. Sit tight?"

You leave John in the kitchen to retreat to the bathroom to regroup. Come on, you scold yourself over the basin for getting worked up. It's just John. 

And yet, what remains of your confidence perches on a cliffside at the sight of John pointedly staring at the folder of your copies of the divorce papers on the counter. Fantastic.

His small smile is genuinely sympathetic. It's enraging.

"Y'know, I knew you were married…When I didn't see a ring at the hotel, though, I wondered."

Your chest tightens, and you shove the folder into a bookshelf. "Yep. Finalized the divorce two-ish weeks ago."

You're not in the mood to be reminded of your failures.

"Sorry it didn't work out," John murmurs.

"That's life. That's how it works sometimes," You exhale, then force a smile. "Want a drink? Bourbon? Wine?"

He lets you change the subject, and you let him have a glass of whiskey.

You sit on opposite ends of your short couch, Hamhock acting as a gentlemanly barrier. The conversation rekindles itself after a few fingers of liquor, and eventually, John migrates to the floor, idly playing with the cat. You confide in him about your worries about the event and whether the funds raised will be enough, and he listens. There is no condescension, no bulldozing. Not a trace of smugness at all when he makes suggestions. You don't realize how you've slipped into an old, practically ancient formation until he peers back, eyes creasing from laughter. You're fifteen again, and it is useless to deny it – you are regrettably in love with John Price.

"Can I confess something?" He suddenly asks as your cat waddles off with a catnip toy in his mouth.

Your heart lurches. "If it's a crime, I'm a terrible conspirator." 

"No. Nothin' like that, but I lied earlier." He chuckles, craning his neck to look over his shoulder. "My mother didn't tell me about My Fair Lady."

"What do you mean?"

John turns sheepish. "I came an' saw it when I was on leave last summer. Thought I'd surprise you, but I got to the theater and lost my nerve."

Instantly, you pick through scraps of memories from the production. There is no way you would have known he was in attendance, not with how hellishly busy you are. 

"You, Captain John Price, lost your nerve?"

Color blooms high on his cheeks, and he turns on the floor, rubbing his neck. "I knew you're not acting but I didn't know how to mention it without soundin' like a prick." His eyes look soft. Different from how they looked that night in his parent's garden. Steady, unwavering, but soft. "I know I'm not good with words. I seem to have a talent for making you angry. But I really am happy to see you. Didn't think I'd get another chance after how I bungled it all those years ago at the train–"

At your grown ages, the angle of the kiss is inadvisable. The two of you fix it without parting, and his hands cup your face when you're finally standing toe-to-toe. 

He touches your foreheads together when breathing becomes necessary. "Change anything?"

You don't answer. You lead him to your bedroom and exile the cat.

~~

The fundraiser goes off with a predictable amount of hitches. The caterer is an hour late and forgets half the hors d'oeuvres. The bar runs out of red wine early. Two actors from the children's company slap-fight on stage. Nothing you, Naomi, and Teddy can't fix with elbow grease and stage magic. The caterers re-course. Naomi calls in a favor from her bartender girlfriend. And the children forget their quarrel when they're called upon to defeat Captain Hook.

What you are not prepared for is one of the actors calling out sick, leaving you one date short for the auction. You waste an hour trying to convince one of your fellow techies to step in.

Naomi corners you when you stress-eat a comically tiny piece of toast swiped from a tray. 

"You know, if one person is all we need…"

"Your girlfriend won't be mad?"

"Ha-ha, don't get cheeky. C'mon, isn't it time you got back out there?" 

You suppress a smug smile. Naomi has no idea. Nobody does. You've gotten back out there and then some. 

"Did I not tell you I was grossed out by the auction?"

She's relentless. "Are you really so proud you wouldn't debase yourself a little for the Bramble?"

"Absolutely not."

You'd said it with such conviction, so it's a puzzle when you find yourself waiting in the stage wing, makeup hurriedly refreshed. It takes all your courage and grace not to stumble to Teddy's side when he calls your name. He improvises an introduction on the fly, and you nearly laugh when you realize this is the first time you've been on the stage, under a spotlight, in years.

The bidding opens, and you hold your breath, letting it go when a few unfamiliar voices call out numbers. A humbling embarrassment clutches you by the throat. But then a paddle raises more confidently in the front row. The light is bright, but you know whose hand hoists it high.

~~

He collects you at the end of the night as you lock up.

"There's my prize."

You can't stop the grin that splits your face. "It's just a date, John."

"Yeah, doin' things a bit out of order, aren't we?" A glimmer of his younger, puffed-up self shines through, and his hand envelops yours.

As you walk, your elbow digs into his ribs, "What will our mothers say?"

"That a big deal to you?"

"To some people."

"Well, love, you're not 'some people'."

[dixons-sunshine]

Shopping Spree, Hangout Dreams AU Headcannons: Part Three | Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader

Word count: 861.

A/n: So I've made it a habit recently to post a fic every one-two days, but I was extremely busy today, so I didn't have time to start working on any of my other requests. I still wanted to post something, though, so here's a part three to my personal headcannons for the SSHD AU that nobody asked for. This is mostly set in the future but before the outbreak. I hope y'all like these! If you wanna see more, let me know.

➳༻❀✿❀༺➳

★ After graduating high school, you went to college to get a degree in teaching.

★ Daryl didn't go to college, however. He felt like more school was unnecessary for him, but he encouraged you to do it since he knew you wanted to become a teacher.

★ Daryl managed to land a job as an apprentice of sorts to a mechanic and got a second job as a bouncer after a while, and used some (most of it but he didn't tell you that) of the money to help pay for your tuition and textbooks.

★ You had your suspicions about it, and got a job of your own to help pay for everything. However, Daryl shot down any talks of you getting a second job, claiming that one job was already hard enough added on top of college.

★ The two of you rented a crappy, worn down apartment until you graduated and landed a full-time teaching job at a kindergarten near Atlanta, and you and Daryl finally managed to upgrade to a decent apartment.

★ Once the two of you had settled down and had gotten hitched at the courthouse, you invited your mother over for a housewarming of sorts.

★ She definitely tore into you both for eloping, but in the end, she was ultimately happy for the two of you.

★ She started teasingly calling you Mrs Dixon at every opportunity, and playfully threatening Daryl that if he ever broke your heart, she'd kill him.

★ She was a decade too late for that talk, however, so Daryl paid it no mind whatsoever.

★ Your mom was practically your best friend, so when she died three years later due to cancer, you were devastated.

★ You regretted not having a proper wedding like your mom had wanted you to have, but Daryl assured you that she didn't hate you for it.

★ Daryl was also heartbroken. He couldn't believe that the sweet woman who had basically taken him in was dead.

★ It was a hard couple of months after that, but Daryl refrained from falling into old habits and distancing himself to deal with his emotions alone. He reminded himself that you were a team and that you needed him more than ever at that moment. He couldn't pull away at a time like that.

★ Things got better with time. With the both of you taking the time to properly grieve and mourn, it got easier. The sadness when you thought of her death never fully vanquished, but with time, you were feeling better, visiting her grave whenever you had the chance.

★ When you and Daryl moved from the trailer park all those years ago, he didn't tell anyone from his family where he was going.

★ He didn't even tell his father. He just packed his bags with his things and silently disappeared from the trailer.

★ Merle didn't know about it, either. Daryl loved his brother but he knew what a dick he was and what he involved himself in, and he didn't want that in his new life with you. He wanted to start fresh, wipe the slate clean.

★ It was a couple of months before the outbreak when you and Daryl saw Merle again. You were walking around, doing grocery shopping, when you bumped into him.

★ Merle was immensely surprised when he noted the wedding rings on both of your fingers, and demanded to know why he wasn't invited to the wedding.

★ However, he guessed he shouldn't have been surprised when Daryl bitterly spat out that there wasn't a wedding and that you eloped. If he knew anything about Daryl, it's that he doesn't do big, fancy events.

★ About a month before the outbreak, you started feeling nauseous and more tired than usual. A total of three pregnancy tests confirmed that the reason for that wasn't because you were ill, but because you had a life growing inside of you.

★ Daryl was surprised to find out you were pregnant. Neither of you planned the pregnancy and it was extremely unexpected.

★ However, you both decided to keep the baby.

★ Daryl was scared of what parenthood had in store for him. He didn't want to end up like his father or be even worse than him.

★ It took for you to gently talk him through his fears for him to start calming down.

★ After he was calmed down, he allowed himself to feel happy. The two of you were in a stable environment with enough money between the both of you to accommodate a baby, so he felt himself relax.

★ That didn't last long, because soon the two of you would hear about the dead rising and see the news reports that warn you to evacuate immediately.

©dixons-sunshine 2024. I do not give permission for my works to be copied, modified, adapted or translated to any other site or platform without evidence of my given consent.

[villainofmyownstory]

WIP whenever

I was unexpectedly tagged by the very talented writer @pricegouge to post an updated WIP. Thank you very much! And before you check out these little thing, check out @pricegouge's stories, in particular I recommend Fatted Rabbit - a true masterpiece. <3 Let's just say that the one below is a continuation of Blurry. Unfortunately I've been very busy at work lately and haven't had time to write anything. But hopefully in about two weeks I'll get back to a normal routine and have more free time. I'll tag @ilragnotessitore , @kyletogaz and @hyperactively-me don't feel obliged, no pressure if you don't want to post anything

______________________________________________________________

It is said that falling in love comes easily. That there is such a thing as love at first sight. That soulmates can be met instantly.

Well, your first meeting with John was not what you heard about in stories of friends falling in love. Or in family stories told at your parents' next wedding anniversary.

It was completely different.

When you first met, you didn't seem nice or kind to him at all. But maybe that's what he needed. Maybe he just needed a harsh and rough tone. Maybe also a little rudeness. At that time, everyone felt sorry for him, patted him on the head or walked around him on eggshells.

And you were completely different. Years later, he always said that that spark of anger in your eyes attracted him to you from the very beginning.

Although you found it hard to believe, after all, he was your husband. Well, exactly - he was.

Another day had passed when you were in that house, every morning he asked you the same thing. Moreover, his short-term memory was problematic, but he remembered exactly what his missions were like 20 or 10 years ago.

”But what did you do yesterday Captain?"

“Oh, little dove, how could I forget a doll like you?”

Every day was the same. And you didn't cry about it anymore. Maybe it was better that way. One heart shattered into millions of pieces was enough.

Doctors said not to push, not to remind him of those worst, most difficult moments. That could have made his condition worse.

But he wasn't the same person he used to be.

He wasn't himself.

He wasn't Captain.

And even more than that, he was no longer your John.

He could look better physically, and many doctors, nurses in the hospital, tried to date him. Even the married ones. However, when it came to the story of this accident.

Well. He's stuck with three boys and you.

Despite the pain, you were unable to fully let go. Even though piece by piece you felt your heart being torn into more small, bloody fragments.

However, on the last day, when you are already sitting packed in the living room, waiting for the arrival of the person who will replace you. Someone who will take over the care. His phone rang.

And hearing his cheerful voice, you immediately knew who was calling.

His past. A person with whom he had experienced more seasons than with you. Someone he remembered. And what probably hurt you the most. His previous life came to an end long before. But it always made itself known at the least expected moments. Coming out of a dark corner, biting at ankles, pulling at shirt. Causing dark clouds to appear in your head again.

Because his previous family was still present. Even though he closed that chapter long before you were together, it still bothered you. It made you feel uncomfortable.

Now his laughter echoed in that empty big house, but it wasn't meant for you.

And you lose yourself once again in longing, in the need to be someone again. His.

“Oh, little dove, how could I forget a doll like you?”

And yet, he still didn't remember.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

aaaannd also tag @blackhawkfanatic @who-needs-to-sleep @rafaelacallinybbay bc you ask for part 2 sorry to disappoint you but I need more time, but I'll definitely come back to it someday

[fountainpenguin]

Riddle watches New Wish - Post #10

Some speculation and feelings now that I've slept after a binge up to "Trial or Hair-or" and took a break, before I start anything else.

I'm not sure when I can next watch episodes, so please don't reply with spoilers.

Background Characters

I was really worried about Whispers Fred. I only read a small glimpse of the story bible / concept art page a year+ ago- I was pretty sure I remembered Winn and Whispers Fred, though I would not have been able to recite their names.

After recognizing them, I was expecting them to be glued to Hazel's hip. I thought I'd find Whispers Fred and his ASMR shtick really annoying, but he's actually totally fine and doesn't bother me at all.

I'm relieved, because "Writers trying to be cool and they think kids want ASMR, and also I'm pretty sure a kid trying to look this stuff up could easily go down an online route they probably shouldn't be going down at their age" has been my mental vision for the direction this show is going for the past, like, 15 months and I thought I'd have issues with him.

I really like him now because you can tell Hazel's classmates all have their own depth and running gags, which is a great improvement on most of Timmy's classmates.

I can definitely look back and name the shticks for Chester, A.J., Trixie, Chloe, Kevin, Elmer, Sanjay, and Francis. We knew them- You could write a 'fic with them in it and no one would question the lack of other characters, because that's a great cast.

-> But yeah, we didn't really know much about personalities or what they do, and many of those characters I listed faded away in later seasons. I like how we're starting off strong. It makes it feel very planned. We know Whispers Fred has a podcast, even. Impressive.

Throwing this out here because it's still hilarious, but there are at least two kids in Timmy's class who are confirmed godkids - He sees them at Cupid's party - but they were both mysteriously absent when Doombringer came in as a sub to start fairy hunting and it cracks me up.

And that was all the depth we got to them, because it was never played up (and let's be real, they were thrown into Cupid's party from the character stockpile folder).

I like how Hazel is befriending people in her class. Some of them aren't fully fleshed out yet, but they don't need to be. We're getting enough that if I wanted to write a 'fic, I could way more easily play with the personalities of Hazel's classmates than Timmy's, and I love that.

[cnt'd below cut - Very long post, including things I wouldn't truly call negativity, but my vibe is discussing the things I like and the things that aren't working for me personally.

This post leans into things that aren't working since previous posts have been about what is working. Heads up for discussions of child abuse and nostalgic comparisons to the OG show. Proceed at own discretion

Reminder, I'm only up to "Trial or Hair-or" at time of posting this]

Would I Be Watching This If It Wasn't Claiming to be FOP?

The show is very enjoyable; let's start with that. I like Hazel. I like Cosmo and Wanda. I like the set-ups and the kids.

I like watching the show, but... It doesn't feel like FOP, in the sense that I'm not seeing the things that draw me to the original show (Like... the child abuse? Or Crocker? Or the risk of losing your fairies? Or Timmy's struggle to keep his secrets from Vicky, his parents, and his friends?)

Hazel's made a vague mention that she has to keep fairies a secret, but we have no proof Cosmo and Wanda would leave her. No memory wipes either.

Maybe it's just me, but FOP without child abuse is... a WILD concept to me. lol. Dev seems to have issues and I suspect he's being set up for a future plot that delves into them, but it's still funny that our main character is, like... chillin'. No self-hatred? No dissociative issues or anxiety attacks? No sneaking around? Are you sure you're in the right show?

Okay, I guess Dev is bullying her, but he's not been nearly as bad as Francis, who caused physical harm. Heck, Tootie caused Timmy more stress than Dev's causing Hazel. Trixie literally treated Timmy worse than Dev is treating Hazel- she was launching him across the room when he spoke to her.

I'm liking the show, and I see potential in this world where I could set a 'fic... but what would that 'fic even be about? This place is fluffy; Hazel's not struggling much and there's not a lot of meat here for me to dig into.

I'm not seeing stakes, and I'm kinda "hm" about it.

And I'm kinda worried I'm watching a watered-down show that's been made more palpable to an audience looking for found family fluff. Which is fine! ... It's just that I'm here for Fairly OddParents vibes. Where's my child abuse?

I'm nostalgic. I miss my boy who kept a scrapbook with pictures of him in therapy. I miss the jokes that the court once got involved and appointed the family a child psychologist. I miss how he broke down in front of Trixie, wailing that he'll always love her no matter what his therapist says. He had a lot going on that we never saw onscreen, only the implications, and I love him <3

This was the boy who literally froze time for 50 years and told no one; he was messed up and they were not afraid to paint him that way.

I'm the target audience for "people who like seeing tiny details from the OG show brought back," but I'm not the target audience for fluff or sweet and innocent characters, so if that's what we get, I don't think I'll get giddy about it.

And I'll be 100% okay with that because I enjoy watching the show anyway even if it's different, and I'm just super grateful we've got something nice for the series after so many years of a difficult slide.

I write my 'fics and I've made worldbuilding posts for 8 and a half years, but I rarely main-tag anything, and I have unique blog tags for each character so they're harder for people to stumble on, because I was trying to lie low and avoid fandom negativity I kept seeing when I ventured into the tags. So... as much as I'm nostalgic and as much as I have my fingers crossed for the things I want to see, I'm super grateful this show is very enjoyable and seems to be bringing a wave of positivity and new viewers into the fandom.

Let's be clear- I'm REALLY enjoying watching this show, but I'm waiting to see if it adds stuff that fits my interests, that's what this post is.

Threats to Cosmo and Wanda's safety?

I want to start by saying I appreciate how Crocker isn't Hazel's teacher and her dad is not obsessively trying to catch her fairies. Danny's parents trying to catch ghosts worked perfectly fine in his show, but I'm glad this one is a different direction. It's nice to mix things up and not fall into a previous formula.

It's hilarious that her dad is like, seriously doing his paranormal job and it doesn't even affect Hazel, Cosmo, or Wanda yet (where I've watched up to). That's hilarious.

I'm hoping that it's going to come back, because I haven't seen a strong sense that it will. Hazel's dad has speculated there's a ghost in his house a little, but he's not investigated at all and we've not seen any tension regarding this. I hope we're setting up a big plot with confrontation, but there's not enough there yet to make me believe we are, so I hesitate to trust the pay-off is there.

Unclear how Cosmo and Wanda meet Hazel in the morning. Do they stroll over? I assume not- Her parents would think that's weird. They're not in animal form because they're neighbors, so are they poofing over? Do they wake her up like they used to wake Timmy?

Thus far, we've not seen signs that Cosmo and Wanda could be in danger. Jorgen's made an attempt to take them away, which was their fault for claiming a godkid they had no right to take tbh. I don't mind taking a break from Crocker's obsessions, but I do miss the tension he brought us. I miss the danger. I miss the angst implications- This show is pretty fluffy so far, and I can appreciate it, but that's not "FOP vibes" for me.

Jorgen implied Cosmo would get hurt when he fell off a tower, but otherwise we've not seen signs that Fairies can be hurt or killed. And I don't know if that's even a thing that carried over in this universe, so I have to treat it as 0 risk of death.

It would be 100% reasonable for Hazel's dad to shake C and W's hands and ask to interview them, which is fine - It's a new vibe than Crocker, Doombringer, and Leadly and we could probably use that - but I think I'd be disappointed if that was the payoff for emotional investment of implied danger.

C and W haven't expressed any fear in Hazel's dad since Episode 1. I really liked Episode 1 - a lot of thought went into it - but the rest of the episodes seem like they're using Episode 1 as a diving board, but not circling back to what we established there. Which is actually super frustrating right now.

You hooked me! ... So, where's the stuff you hooked me with?

We're no longer getting C and W fumbling around the human world, we're no longer getting miserable Hazel, we haven't had any awkward neighbor interactions between C and W and the parents, and we're no longer getting the threats to C and W's safety. I feel a little cheated and I hope we see more threats later.

Please give me an awkward dinner party with the neighbors. Give me one of the parents coming over to borrow sugar and C and W have to poof away from Hazel and rush back home to maintain their facade.

Give me neighbors wanting to come to a party at C and W's and they have to protect everyone from accidentally wandering into Fairy World or using dangerous Fairy equipment. Give me C and W getting put in charge of a neighborhood event they don't know anything about. Give me Hazel's parents asking if C and W can babysit and they're so paranoid that they call constantly to check in while C and W try to act like everything is normal and they're not running around doing magical things.

I feel like we've given personality to the schoolkids, which is fine... but I'd love to see personality for the neighbors. To me, living in the same building as fairies who don't know how to be human is a fantastic plot set-up, and they're doing nothing with it.

In other words, I'm glad Hazel is delved-into as a character, but I feel like we've not seen anything about what's going on with Cosmo and Wanda.

-> Hazel's in her school arc right now, but maybe we'll have a summer break arc?

Here's my thought on that. Bluey does a really good job of balancing what's going on with the kids and what's going on with the adults. Yes, the show focuses more on the kids, but it's always clear what the adults are doing, like Bandit trying to talk to his friends while Bluey complains about him taking too long, and Bandit feeling sad when his friends leave so he can take care of Bluey.

Early in the series, we see the kids playing in the park ("Shadowlands") while Chilli and her friends talk about TV shows they like in the background. There's a constant sense in that series that Bandit and Chilli have interactions with other people- Heck, we even get an episode of Bandit struggling to make a new friend (and struggling with Bingo getting in the way of that).

I'm not getting that here. C and W do have personality, but do they have friends? Or coworkers? Or stakes? I didn't see a lot of depth to their brief interaction with Jorgen, nor does Cookie seem to be someone they know in any way.

For this show to win me over, I need them to interact with their neighbors and environment in a way they're not currently doing. Right now, they're just giving Hazel magic... but I'm starting to think they could be sexy magic lamps. I don't remember struggling with these feelings in the OG show, although back then I binged like 4 seasons before making any posts.

- It is not to their favor that they can easily spend an episode in object form and just chill. We used to have Crocker trying to sniff them out even in object form, and I kind of miss that. And yeah, they're retired, but I hope we get to see more character depth and relationship involvement in the future. - In the early season, we had background conversations like Wanda trying to lure Cosmo to the doctor, Wanda explaining to Cosmo that their "special alone time" wasn't meeting her needs and she wants more snuggles, or Cosmo being a pushover when Wanda's dad came around, or Cosmo sneaking his mom into their guest room, or Wanda blatantly telling Cosmo that she still thinks Juandissimo is intriguing. I miss the up and down of that dynamic. It's nice to see them fluffy, but... they're kind of flat. I liked the mail scene and how Wanda hugged Cosmo after he rescued Hazel in Episode 1, but again... it feels like most of their characterization happened in Episode 1. I have my fingers crossed we'll get some of that in the future, like Cosmo and Wanda cheering each other on when they learn things about the human world, or Cosmo sacrificing himself to save her from the Pixie takeover, or showing that when he stands up for his family, he's extremely powerful. tl;dr - I hope we get Cosmo standing up for Wanda. I'm glad they love each other, but I'm not seeing a lot to interest me in their ship. I'm more interested in Hazel's parents, tbh. They've got stuff going on in their "breadwinner therapist vs. paranormal investigator" vibe. And they play with Hazel and hold hands in the background. They're cute, and I want more of that for C and W. - Actually, Timmy used to get called out by his classmates for being "That weird kid who talks to inanimate objects." There don't seem to be any risks for Hazel yet. - If you were to ask me what the biggest threats are to this godparent relationship, I'd say it's either Cosmo and Wanda overstepping past Jorgen and upsetting him, or Hazel's dad finding out. But I'm not sure we're going to push those plots further, which saddens me. Holding out hope, though. - That is actually hilarious I don't see Dev as a threat to her right now, since that was Remy's whole thing. Good for him? Like, he's mildly annoying her in the background, but he's not a true danger at this time. - Jasmine has implied she's sus about Hazel, but it's been brushed off twice without her investigating. I don't think we're delving into it more, which is a shame. I want Jasmine to be weirded out.

Episode 1? Absolutely not lamps- Cosmo and Wanda were involved, they had depth, and there was tension. And the other episodes are fun, but their personalities have taken a backseat.

You can tell there was a ton of thought put into how Cosmo and Wanda interact with the human world in Episode 1. That seems to have gone away now, and they're even in reboots of their old outfits instead of their human disguises, so... it's nostalgic, but I kind of wanted to see how they'd changed over time. If you're going to give them new outfits, why not use them?

If C and W were, presumably, aging while on their time travel vacation that lasted 10k years and they look the same, what on earth was Jorgen doing that makes him look so aged after just a handful of years? I'm unclear where we are in the timeline.

We've had some nice Cosmo-Wanda-Hazel moments (like the seahorse and princess game where they were playing together), but I'm thinking the "Cosmo and Wanda nitpicking at each other" problem has been solved by taking away their conversations with each other- they're really just here to talk to Hazel.

That's fine, I guess. I just want to see more of them interacting with each other. Because I miss them.

It reminds me of when I critiqued Sparky vs. Chloe, because I felt Chloe fit really well in the dynamic while Sparky was interacting with Timmy, but not really Cosmo or Wanda. Chloe was a great balance of changing the entire dynamic (so was Poof).

I feel like this will probably change in the future when we're not pushing the "Gotta show Hazel is a well-rounded character and focus on her above everyone" direction, but since I'm liveblogging, I need to cite where I am and what I'm looking forward to.

I'm not seeing enough fairy biology going on. I like what Cosmo gave us regarding stretchy skin, but... what is life like for these people? Do they have to avoid touching humans?

Do Cosmo and Wanda pay rent? Do they pay taxes? Do they know their neighbors? Do they see other kids and get nostalgic for their past godkids? (I have to assume yes, since they took in Hazel).

-> I like the implication in "A Dinosaur in Dimmsdale" that Cosmo and Wanda have been around long enough to be familiar with the special event held at that time. I'd like more of that, but also deeper. And maybe that's asking a little much since the show is for kids and of course it's focusing on the kid... Idk, maybe I'm reading into this too much.

I like how Cosmo has twice struggled to hide his crown. That's a step in the right direction, but unfortunately I can't remember if his second time was also in the first episode.

That first episode was beautiful- everything I wanted. But the others don't meet the expectations and story hooks that lured me in.

I think what I'm trying to say is that my vision of Cosmo and Wanda in New Wish relies heavily on what I got from the OG series. I don't think I've seen much in New Wish to give them enough personality to stand their own.

I'd really like to see Juandissimo or Mama Cosma shake things up. I think by this point in the OG series(?), we'd seen them split in "Dog Day Afternoon" and "Apartnership." We knew Wanda wanted to be an author, we knew Wanda had friends in town, we knew Cosmo was a mama's boy, and we knew they were goofballs who were rarely apart and would totally crash into things when they were looking at the other.

We also knew Cosmo and Wanda had issues with being mistreated ("A Wish Too Far"). They were also goofballs who struggled to pass as human ("Transparents") and joke around ("Tiny Timmy"), and they'd make their own assumptions even if they weren't what Timmy expected (Stealing an alien prince in "Spaced Out" instead of making their own monster). Cosmo even pretended he was about to explode in "Same Game" to joke with Wanda, so she didn't believe him when he was actually close to exploding.

AGAIN... I am not far into New Wish. On one hand, it's great that Hazel's not mistreating Cosmo and Wanda, so we don't need an episode like "A Wish Too Far." I think we'll be getting more depth later in the series, but I'm liveblogging my thoughts so we can see if my opinions change.

-> I don't feel like we've learned enough about Da Rules. They were a big deal in the OG series and I'm very unclear on what Hazel does or doesn't know. I'm unclear which of the Big Rules are still in play. In the OG Season 1, Cosmo and Wanda had to grant wishes when Timmy talked in his sleep. I'd like a bit more of those rules showing up here.

-> Unclear to me if Cosmo and Wanda stay in Hazel's room at night.

I just still think they're a little "sexy lamp" for me and I want this to change. As annoying as they were (affectionate), I'd love to see Mama Cosma, Big Daddy, Blonda, Schnozmo, or Juandissimo mix things up. Because Cosmo and Wanda both have drastically different reactions to each of those people.

Maybe that's what's missing for me, because I've been writing 'fics where they ARE interacting with these people, so I'm used to seeing them have to juggle other people? In which case, that's unfair for me to judge, lol.

Blonda only had 2 episodes I think, and one of them was a cameo where she wasn't interacting with Wanda. It'd be super interesting to see her return and play a role as large as Mama Cosma's or something. I miss her too.

I am REALLY looking forward to seeing more of how Antony plays into Hazel's life. It's incredibly obvious that she cares for him (even sleeping in a bunk bed and wearing his hand-me-down shirts), so that's fantastic.

tl;dr - Cosmo and Wanda are just kind of there (imo). I'm pretty sure the episodes after the first would be basically the same if Hazel had no fairies, but was a witch who could use magic on herself.

I'm not seeing anything that makes me say "Yes, this definitely needed to be a show about godparents and not just any show about kids with magic." Give me a reason why we couldn't have a show about Hazel being a witch, having spy gadgets or tech, or having a genie. I want Fairy World! I want misery!!

Fairy World and Jorgen

I'm putting my faith in the idea that we'll return to Fairy World. I can't imagine that we wouldn't, but I have to say, our first glimpse of it didn't look too magical or dramatic.

I like how the OG series sets Timmy up as believing Fairy World is glittery and magical, so Cosmo and Wanda must goof off all day. In reality, Fairy World is big on rules and discipline. I think we take Jorgen for granted as a character since he's been around for 20+ years. It's easy to forget how funny it is that we have a big, buff, military-attitude fairy bossing people around a glittery magical world. That's hilarious!

Think of how "Old Black Magic" gives us a street made of playing cards or how "Odd Squad" gives us purple grass and cars without wheels. Some of their streets float and twist around each other. Their world should look "exciting and unfathomable to the human mind." We haven't seen the Rainbow Bridge either, really.

I have no drive to revisit Fairy World after "Department of Magical Violations," which was the 2nd episode. It didn't look magical or fun. You can tell Jorgen still has his characterization (Being strict but also liking to party), but... he wasn't contrasted against the magic of fluffy Fairy World. Without the contrast, he's just a guy.

I hope we see him again and he gets another chance to show his depth, because even though I went in knowing full-well who he is, I felt like we weren't given enough. I don't even remember seeing his giant staff.

-> He debuted in short episodes in the OG series, so it's not an issue of not being double length. I just think he wasn't utilized as well in such little time.

Give me the guy who used to turn Cosmo into a monkey during drills. Give me the guy who uses a jet pack because he cut his wings off. You don't even get to see his back in his debut, so it's totally possible new viewers might think he still has wings 😔

-> That might seem like a silly thing to be disappointed in, but after the effort that went into showing us details like Hazel's house number or how Cosmo and Wanda crawl across the floor, I feel like Jorgen didn't get the same fully in-depth treatment. He should be someone we're totally hyped to see, but he's... there.

-> Even in Season 0, we were introduced to Jorgen in a way that subverted expectations: the big, scary fairy who was such a contrast with the idea of a friendly godparent was intimidating his godkid (making him wish to live)... AND he's dating the Tooth Fairy. I just haven't had expectations subverted yet in this show and it makes me kind of sad, because that's Jorgen's biggest "selling point." He's funny in contrasting environments.

Maybe he just needs the right person to bounce off, like Binky.

I will say, I think there's nothing wrong with Jorgen not playing all his goofy cards in front of a stranger. He has a job to do and he's good at his job. But I miss him. I miss the doofus who cried for weeks when the Tooth Fairy broke up with him because she didn't like how he tried to forcibly remove Timmy's buck teeth for a wedding present.

I miss the guy who cried when he lost his job, and tried so hard at the other jobs Timmy set up for him, but he was bad at them because all he knew was to set expectations so he kept spoiling movies while selling tickets... and putting people in the hospital with his muscles.

I miss the guy who found out he was standing "in the same room as his cousin," looked at Cosmo, and then went full steam ahead into "Please let it be my invisible cousin Leonard!"

I miss the guy who used to throw pixies at his dartboard or chase them out of their own building because "He's the only one allowed to cause pain to fairies." I miss the guy who put grenades and barbed wire on pizza and gave it to a child. I miss the guy who works in his nana's cafe and covers his niece's shifts at the pet store. I wonder if he still does game nights with Mama Cosma.

I miss the guy whose idea of a good house pet disguise was a rhino in a fishbowl. I miss Jorgen. I love him, and I really hope we get to see more of his funky, goofy side, because he's such a great character.

I've only seen one episode with him, so I'm probably judging too harshly. I just think he has one of the strongest characterizations that's easy to work with because he's hilarious against a glittery Fairy World backdrop, so I miss him and I don't think the DMV was the best showcase episode for him. I'm nostalgic :(

The abuse & trauma?

I really like how the OG show plays with abuse. Yes, Timmy is an abused kid. We know this. It's made very, very clear without it being too scary for a little kid. The OG show is full of things that appeal to me as a kid (slapstick humor) and as an adult (Watching what Timmy's going through and the clever ways the show plays with the abuse angle without being too scary).

- I'm not seeing why Hazel is miserable? Which is okay, because as I said in a previous post, Cosmo and Wanda came out of retirement and befriended her of their own choice (defying instruction), so they're in a gray area with the usual gameplay rules. - I'm just unable to detect if the "godparents lose their fairies when they're no longer classified as miserable" rule is still a thing in this universe. Or "Hazel will lose her fairies when she grows up or reveals them." It's okay if those rules are gone- I'd just like to know so I can adjust my perception of what the stakes are. - Hazel avoided revealing magic to Jasmine in "Fearless," but it wasn't explicitly stated if she was told the rules or if she's just trying not to scare Jasmine with magic.

I'm a little confused that the writers for this show seem to have toned down the abuse and trauma, yet upped some present-day horror. Like, I legit would not suggest a friend watch "Fearless" or "28 Puddings Later" without a warning.

- Those were some VERY scary spiders for a kids' cartoon, especially compared with the goofy spiders from the OG canon. We had onscreen trypophobia (I think? - Not sure if there were enough holes in the cheese, but there were holes) and I used to have a friend who would've struggled with that part of the episode. And I get that swiss cheese is going to have holes- I'm just a little surprised we didn't go the route of making Jasmine a relatable character for someone with trypophobia and instead she faced all her fears as if they were nothing...? Or is that relatable- I'm not sure. I mean, it's a cartoon, so... idk what I expected. I know I wouldn't love being forced into a bloody environment, and a friend violating that after I told them no would possibly be a deal-breaker (and has been, actually, since I've had ex-friends ever since I was a kid stop caring about my boundaries and try to show me blood and/or purposely try to upset me with blood when they lost interest in me as a friend). But also, Jasmine is 10 and if she wants to try facing her fears, she can. I don't have issues with that. - "28 Puddings Later" had red lighting on the bodies and faces in a way that was a little much for my hemophobia, and I think I'm not going to be watching that episode again unless I do some prep. I was trying not to look for most of it.

It's... weird? Usually the Hartman shows go fine for me, although "T.U.F.F. Puppy" has like 2 episodes that jump my hemophobia, but they were... not drawn-out like this. Those were legitimately spooky things to watch (Saying this as an adult who wasn't genuinely scared, but was analyzing the execution and comparing it to other cartoons I watch). I think that's a great thing that sets the tone of the show... but that's not the tone I really want?

It's totally fine for New Wish to be its own thing, but it's not the FOP that drew me in years ago.

- I want more psychology- and trauma-themed underlying jokes, like Cosmo panicking when Timmy's parents babysat Poof because "Those two have no idea how to raise a child!" followed by panning over to Timmy. - I want more bits like Timmy standing up to Imaginary Gary and saying "When I was 8, I learned what a real monster was like" and introducing Gary to Vicky. I want to be asking "Kid, are you okay? Hey, what was that??" and gushing over implications. -> I've seen the tiniest taste with Dev so far, but not enough to catch my interest this early on. I'm hoping that goes somewhere, but if I'm struggling to see the depth in Cosmo and Wanda, I don't have the highest hopes. Like, childhood trauma was a huge thing in the old show (I would argue it's the main theme), and every time those glimpses of Timmy's genuine struggles came up, I lost my mind. I'm not seeing that with Hazel. I like this show for the magic, sure, but I really liked this show for the underlying trauma themes that made you want to explore character backstories with a 'fic. And I'm sure there are plenty of people who want to explore Hazel's relationship with her brother with a 'fic, and Dev seems to have stuff going on, but Hazel doesn't do for me what Timmy and Chloe did. I discussed Timmy above, so let's talk about Chloe. Chloe had serious mental health struggles. She had multiple dissociative spirals. She committed fraud. She broke into Timmy's house to steal from his dad's toy collection because she was jealous. She lied to authority figures for literally no reason except to make herself look better (Not even to cover up magic- She just straight-up lied). When she was upset, she would pull all-nighters and plot revenge (And that was like, her 3rd episode). She lived in denial even when things went wrong. She also wouldn't stand up for herself sometimes, so Catman pushed her around. She also stole from Kevin Crocker while he was passed out (lol), went on power trips, bribed people (including Crocker) to like her, sold out her friends for extra credit, backstabbed Timmy by turning him into a monster who couldn't speak so he couldn't unwish the wish, and it was very clear why she needed godparents. This child mostly raised herself on Fair Bears cartoons for 50 years of the frozen timestream. She has parents who are rarely home, and when they are, they completely violate her boundaries. Timmy literally has to stand up to them for her at one point because she's spiraling into her second dissociative episode since her parents came back to Dimmsdale- she was strugglin'. Chloe's canon is that without Cosmo and Wanda, she would've led a gang (giving us one of my favorite lines in the series, "I can't believe you found 6 kids with eyepatches"). She couldn't handle watching kids for 1 day without screaming at them, calling them "monster children with evil in their hearts," and making them so miserable, all 3 kids got assigned godparents. At the end of the series, she nails Crocker's bed to the ceiling. She's... a lot. On some level, I enjoy that Hazel is not suffering abuse right now. Hazel is very likable, but I feel like the show is going for a different vibe than what I'm looking for in an FOP show. I miss the trauma undertones. That's why I like this show and why it's deeper for me than many cartoons. This is a show that's been a massive part of my life for 8.5 years, so... I miss those hooks that draw me in. I hope we get something like that for Hazel (or Dev?), but I'm not seeing anything that would draw me into this show if it weren't advertised as a continuation of a show I already really liked. It reads like a show I would put down and walk away from. Well, things did draw me in, but... I don't see them being carried through.

And going back to "Fearless" and "28 Puddings Later," I get it, about the spook factor. It IS pudding. I get the joke we're making here, with how funny it is to think of it as a zombie apocalypse. I'm totally onboard- It's not them, it's me. You just can't make my brain settle down, because it sees what it sees and I have to deal with that.

This feels like FOP without all the things I like about FOP.

I'm just... Where's the kids' show I liked to fawn over because it was fluffy and slapstick on the surface, but secretly playing with trauma underneath? I enjoy the ride New Wish is taking me on, but I think I'm only watching this show because of its FOP connection. If this were some non-reboot (just a brand new Nick show about a kid with some kind of magic), it would be kind of "meh" to me so far. I don't think new viewers or kids would be bothered at all, but I miss the OG.

New Wish kind of gives me Star vs. The Forces of Evil vibes. I enjoyed that show's first season, so I don't say that as a bad thing- I just mean "Star had her own wand and didn't need godparents." Except Star got to explore the responsibility and danger of having a wand and Hazel's not giving me that either.

I like how we've gotten callbacks to the OG series. I get excited by the references and I'm very grateful we finally have a reboot that's taking the show seriously and with love. I hope we can lay it to rest when New Wish is over so it ends with a pleasant memory for people.

I like it, but it's not one of those hidden gems I've stumbled on in the past that I've gotten hooked on (Ex: I randomly stumbled across the Carmen Sandiego 2019 reboot, All Hail King Julien, and Kick Buttowski, and every single one of those blew me out of the water as a hidden gem I fell in love with). But... I feel like I'm watching New Wish more to avoid the risk of someone spoiling it for me (and because I want to see allusions to past episodes) than because I'm truly captivated by it, which is a shame.

I love it as a reboot, but I don't think I'd watch it as some standalone show that just dropped. And that's probably fine, because it's not trying to be a standalone- it's trying to be a nostalgic reboot with a fresher take, and that's totally okay.

- But consider... Send the toddlers back to Lightning Walrus Hell while Foop begs to be spared and frantically tries to claw his way out of the vortex after Poof's been vaporized, then rewrite time so they never existed. THOSE were stakes, and THAT was the messed-up stuff I love. lol. - (Do not actually do this- new things are good and if Poof and Foop had to relieve their own childhood trauma regarding the Hocus Poconos, I would die. Also, that was the Season 8 finale and New Wish is only in its first season with chill episodes, so it would be wild to expect that much drama straight out of the gates. Also, it takes time to establish things before we can have that kind of drama. I'm willing to be patient.)

I will say, I do think we're matching some early-series vibes. We had episodes in the early days where Timmy bonded with his friends, and I really like that Hazel's taking her time to meet new friends (something we didn't get to see with him until Mark Chang's Season 2, 3, and 4 appearances). I think that's going 100% fine. I like what I like, but I'm getting increasingly anxious about the things I miss.

I do feel nostalgic for Remy. I miss Juandissimo and Mama Cosma and Vicky and Mark. Nothing wrong with not pushing them in if Cosmo and Wanda have moved past that life drama, but I still want someone or something to cause tension. Shake things up.

-> They don't have to appear personally, but I miss The Vibes.

I will say, I love that Hazel hasn't had a love plot yet. We have no clingy fans like Tootie (or that newspaper girl from "Fairly Odder"), and Hazel's not in love with someone who hates her. I won't be mad if we get a romance plot, but I hope it's something fresh (and not one person pining after the other despite being told that person's not into them, which I find uncomfortable especially in a kids' show if said show plays it as cute or "kids will be kids" without going into how frustrating it is to be the person who wants to set boundaries).

-> Please let me live vicariously through a main character who's not dealing with "Just give them a chance!! :) They really like you! They may seem creepy, but they're probably nice!" vibes.

It's also really nice that no one's immediately attracted to the new kid when she's only been here a few weeks or months. It's nice that she's building friendships. If a relationship blossoms over time, that's fine, but I'm glad no one is currently in love with her and pining for dates (as in, straight out of the gates).

-> I genuinely cannot figure out who they're setting Dev up to be, so if he's a future love interest, I hope he does some serious work on himself. He's got issues and he's mean, and Hazel also seems to think he's mean, so based on my current understanding of his character vibes, it'd be weird if she conveniently forgot how mean he is and developed a crush on him. I need to see more facets of him.

But it's very funny that he follows people and tries to make bigger and better things. That's exactly what a bratty 10-year-old Dimmadome would do. And honestly... I think I can see him developing a crush on her over time. Like... I genuinely do think that would make sense for his character based on what little I know about him right now.

I think Dev is super jealous of how Hazel just arrived and is gathering friends- which I really like, because we're seeing how it takes Hazel some time to make each new friend, and Dev has the same amount of time and opportunity, and is choosing to be a jerk.

It really showcases this idea that Hazel is making an effort to learn to be nice (and even needs to learn not to try changing people to be what her brother was to her). She's working hard on herself and she's trying to make friends. She didn't show up and have people fawn over her immediately. She's here, she's nice, and she's working to understand friendship and boundaries.

And Dev, who is used to things coming easy to him or just buying what he wants, HATES that.

I think jealousy is fueling Dev right now, but Hazel IS a nice person. I can totally envision him growing more fond of her someday and letting down walls. I can tell he's important to the writers, but I'm wary he's being set up as a future love interest and I don't currently know anything about him that would justify Hazel being attracted to him because all I've seen so far is him being grumpy and her glaring at him.

-> Also, I'm getting the feeling that Dev doesn't have a healthy understanding of relationships, family life, or boundaries, and I would be afraid for Hazel.

I think I forgot to say it, but everyone's phones had a D logo implying they're a Dimmadome product, which I like.

I feel like Dev needs some healthy relationship modeling from Cosmo and Wanda (or Hazel's parents). I'll be curious to see if we go in that direction.

Where are we in the timeline?

I love that this is a show about Hazel. I'm really enjoying this- I think I'm glad we're not getting a "children of the main cast" cliche (and we didn't get a total reboot where we redo Timmy's childhood and pretend the OG series didn't happen). This is very funny for me.

Since Dale was older than Timmy, I'm getting the vibe that we're a few years before Tommy and Tammy get their godparents. So... are they gonna show up, or is Timmy gonna be single with no kids if he ever appears, which I'm betting he will eventually. Or do I have my timeline wrong?

"Channel Chasers" future is canon in my Cloudlands AU, and this is generally the accepted future for the series. Keep in mind that's the angle I'm talking from here.

Assuming CC is canon, it's confirmed Timmy has his kids really young (20 years after he buries the time capsule at age 10, his kids dig it up and they seem to be close to his age, so somewhere between, like... 7 and 10), so Timmy would've been 20 to 23.

It's not unreasonable for Dale to have his kids at a much older age, so I will totally accept Hazel being either older or younger than Tammy and Tommy; it doesn't matter to me (although if they're retconned out of existence by having Timmy show up as a childless man combined with clearer timeframe confirmation, I'll be surprised).

I also want to be clear upfront that my canon for Timmy's future in Cloudlands AU is that he has his kids with Molly ("Wishing Well"). They later split, leaving him open to marry either Trixie or Timmy (but it's ambiguous in my 'fics so the reader can decide). That way, I get to enjoy Molly, Tommy and Tammy get to be in a rough patch when Cosmo and Wanda show up, Timmy's struggling emotionally but he's not a terrible dad long-term, and fans of Trixie or Tootie can have the endgame because I don't mind. tl;dr - Timmy has been shipped with Tootie in some other spin-off media, like the "Fairly Odd Summer" trilogy. I don't treat that trilogy as canon in my 'fics, but we know from "Channel Chasers" that it's implied Timmy has Tommy with a black-haired person or Tommy's adopted, and the latter seems unlikely since both kids look so much like him. So if New Wish has Timmy show up and heavily implies he's with either Trixie or Tootie, that's totally fine within Cloudlands AU canon. But he does flirt with Molly in my 'fics and they are so cute and making her Kevin's step-sister was one of the best ideas I've ever had because it makes family vacations fantastic, so get wrecked <3

But I feel like they're really baiting us with Timmy stuff (Showing several adults that look like Timmy, but confirming behind the scenes "That's not Timmy," putting him on posters, using him as a school mascot, etc.) It's very in-character for this universe since even in the OG series, Timmy's likeness was sometimes used by other characters, but... I'm a little nervous.

Cosmo and Wanda didn't seem to look back on their time with Timmy as fondly as I would've expected. I'm glad we're getting a fun cartoon with a new person, but I hope we're not going a "nudge, nudge, Timmy was a horrible person and fans are dumb for looking at him fondly or wanting him around" angle.

-> That kid was 10, working through childhood trauma, and struggled a lot in life. That's literally the point, and expecting him to be as well-adjusted as Hazel would be asking a lot of him- Their backstories and home lives are very, very different.

I'm getting the sense that we're making allusions to the old show (even obscure ones that surprised me, like a Flappy Bob cameo, super specific Fairy interior design details, or "Terrible Twosome" throwback). The writers have done a good job of picking out the parts they liked and using them as their canon, but I get the feeling we're not going to have references to Sparky, Chloe, Roy, or Viv.

Which is fine, because I understand they were late in the series and a lot of people didn't receive them well (Me included). I just hope they're not treated like they're dumb or something to be erased from history, y'know?

I have absolutely no issues with them not showing up. I do expect a Timmy cameo someday, but it would not bother me at all if we didn't see Chloe. But like, I don't want them written out of the canon IF we specifically look back at the canon. If for some reason we recapped every godkid Timmy had interacted with and we were mysteriously missing Chloe, I'd give you a really weird look, slkfdj.

-> If our canon is that Roy and Viv didn't happen, I'm fine with that because it's a spin-off. But Chloe was mainline canon and this show has already made clear it's grabbing canon from across the whole series (including seasons as late as 9) and not just focusing on the early seasons, so... I'll just have some questions if we write her out of existence, lol.

New personalities? Anti-Fairies?

Where I'm at in my binge, there have been no Anti-Fairies. I'm expecting them to show up because it seems likely we'd get a Friday the 13th episode. I feel like the Anti-Fairies have regularly been the most popular characters of the series in the fandom and they played a big role in later seasons, so I'm sure that writers who have done so much research that they've found details I consider obscure to the average viewer are gonna give us Anti-Fairies. I can't imagine they wouldn't.

And I'm NERVOUS, lol.

So, one thing that I've always thought is that Anti-Fairies were planned to be one-off characters. After their Season 2 debut, they don't appear until Season 5. My personal thought is that Anti-Wanda got slapped with a "cheap and easy" personality without a lot of thought behind it; compare her recolored design with Anti-Cosmo's fully detailed fleshed-out design. I'm super curious to see if she'll get rebooted to be a better parallel of Wanda.

I've played her in my 'fics as being grubby to parallel Wanda's mob upbringing. I still write her with what from the outside may seem like lower intelligence, though in my 'fics I specifically have her being raised in an Anti-Fairy zoo enclosure until her young adulthood, and grew up fluent in her people's native language. It's not that she's stupid, really... She just grew up with limited contact with the outside world, so converting her thoughts for a bustling society is a struggle. I try not to make her a statement of intelligence, though she can be self-deprecating when she compares herself to others.

Like, I can literally see this going either way. I would be totally in favor of giving Anti-Wanda a reboot, because I love her very dearly and tbh I kind of prefer her over Anti-Cosmo... but I will always support taking a second look at the "idiot Southerner with a drawl" stereotype. If she gets freshened up so she's not played as so dumb, or still dumb but less Southern, I'd be fine with that. It's... not a great trope.

Nerd alert incoming - Yes, it's mostly me rambling about how much I love the Pixies & Gary and Betty because I want my feelings written down before any chance of them showing up.

-> Once upon a time, I would not have dreamed my faves might show up, but now that we've gotten a Flappy Bob cameo, I have to prepare for anything.

Okay... so. It's Anti-Cosmo whose potential reboot personality concerns me most, and for purely selfish reasons 😂. In my personal opinion, fanon Anti-Cosmo is surprisingly different from canon Anti-Cosmo. I'm pretty sure they're going to reboot him as a sexy evil villain, because that's what the majority of people think he is. Even though he's a total dork and rebooting him as a suave, confident smooth-talker feels incorrect to me.

Riddle's unpopular opinion: The personality I've seen many people portray Anti-Cosmo with in fan content feels closer to the personality the Head Pixie has than it feels to Anti-Cosmo. If H.P. were younger with the exact same personality he has in the OG show, people would give him the "sexy bad boy" treatment they give Anti-Cosmo. They just don't because he's old </3

Yes, H.P. is ALSO a goofball. He likes cosplay, breakdancing, and he's often either at a rave or bemoaning that he's not at a rave. He only has a few episodes and his love for raves and clubbing comes up in at least 3 of them. But he's the one doing the classic "evil villain" stuff like signing contracts, pulling puppet strings, torturing people with shock collars, and finding loopholes.

H.P. sets up long-term plans. He's calculating, meticulous, and he's one of the sassiest and most confident characters in the entire series. Happy Peppy Gary and Betty literally have a direct phone line to Sanderson, presumably under H.P.'s influence since he's the boss.

Like, that is explicitly canon and it's my favorite background detail in the show. The Pixies thought ahead and gave them a phone. Gary and Betty were in on the plan and knew about magic. At bare minimum they knew they were working for people called Pixies.

Sidebar: Even in their episodes before the Musical, it's implied Gary and Betty know more about magic than the average human. They had laser-eyed unicorn mobiles that formed cages. They somehow got from Florida (implied by Gary's use of the word "gator" and confirmed by this episode's script) to California (Dimmsdale's confirmed state) before end of workday, implying they returned through non-human means. -> Also in their debut episode, they literally went to outer space with Mark, were chill about it, and offered him snacks; idk what to tell you. They're my everything. H.P. seems to have meticulously set up a lot of things and it's so funny to me. -> Also this is very non-canon in the finalized series, but in the OG script of the Musical, it's implied Gary and Betty took the Pixies hostage, and also they seem to be friends with Imaginary Gary. They're heavily implied to sing his villain song with him (where he blatantly reveals he's Imaginary Gary), and it's HILARIOUS. Can you even imagine? He was their boss in that version of the script. I can't deal. That's so funny; he's like 5. Was he even paying them or did they just think he was fun? I just need all the lovely new followers I've gained since I started posting about New Wish to understand how not normal I am about the Learnatorium crew. If you've ever wondered why I write about them so much... I just think they're neat! <3 -> Btw for anyone wondering, you can find some early-season scripts on Fred Seigbert's Scribd. It's painfully difficult to navigate, so I suggest Scribd's search bar instead of his profile. For easier reading, I keep screenshots of the things I find most interesting on my blog, tagged #original script. I figure if you've read this far, you might be into quirky FOP lore, so run... be free. I think I've read them all, so all the funny moments are on my blog. There are some lovely gems in there... There's a deleted scene from "Totally Spaced Out" where Gary and Betty tried to ditch their jobs and flee to Mexico, a deleted scene of Mark and Vicky lovingly holding hands in the nursing home while he's in squid form, and a deleted scene from "Oddlympics" of Jorgen, Anti-Cosmo, and H.P. dressing up as cowboys and in dresses. Juandissimo has early lore about his fear of Cosmo. There's a storyboard for "Anti-Poof" in there somewhere.

Anyway, the point is, I enjoy H.P. a lot. Listen, I've been a huge fan of this guy for 8 years; I love him to death. He's very sassy. He purposely messes with Jorgen's head and Jorgen loses his temper over it. He jumps through hoops to do things right, he wields loopholes to do things wrong, and he tortures people because, in his own words, "It's hilarious."

-> In my mind, HE is the manipulative schemer that Anti-Cosmo often gets remembered as. Where's my sexy bad boy H.P. fanart? Surely it was someone's job to show me that /jk

And there is nothing wrong with portraying A.C. as a sexy bad boy. They can both be sexy bad boys. I'm explaining how I read him in my incredibly specific take, but others might not read him this way. A.C. does a good job of pretending to be a sexy bad boy, but I personally enjoy when he's also portrayed as a dork and I want to talk about that because it's my post.

So, honestly... I think Anti-Cosmo is scared of Jorgen. He never challenges people directly, instead using disguises or hiding behind social events like the "Oddlympics." He lets H.P. take charge in his own castle. He can barely discipline his own son (and when he does, Foop ignores him). A.C. throws temper tantrums on the ground, kicking and shrieking and breaking stuff when things don't go his way. And I LOVE him for it.

But he's not a suave bad boy in my mind, lol. I mean, he tries, and sometimes he pulls it off, but he's definitely not sweet or charming. He's a tantrum-throwing baby who yells at his wife <3 and only holds her hand during "When Nerds Collide" if you pause in time to catch it.

You know how I said Jorgen is a twist on expectations? Anti-Cosmo's whole thing is that people think he's cool and smart, but it's a façade. In his debut episode, Timmy outsmarted him very easily. It doesn't surprise me at all that Anti-Cosmo took a step back in later seasons and Foop became our main Anti-Fairy. Because it's totally in-character for Foop to go looking for trouble, and it's totally in-character for A.C. to... not do that.

A.C. is an introvert who needs a reason to leave the house. Foop likes running around, causing trouble. It's great. You can see so much of Anti-Wanda in Foop and it's funny to me.

I like how A.C. sometimes wanders off and forgets what he's doing. I mean, that's how Timmy defeated him in "When Nerds Collide"- His friends coaxed him into meandering off on his own. He charges headfirst into things despite consequences. He throws things, including his wand. He runs away from confrontation. He jumps on tables. He makes paper airplanes. His wife mocks him for having dorky X-ray goggles he bought from the back of a comic book. He's a goofball.

Again, they are both goofballs- A.C. and H.P. Every villain is a goofball: Norm spends his time out of his lamp eating ice cream and getting his dry cleaning handled, H.P. likes to party, A.C. can't sit still, Sanderson prioritizes music above villainy, Crocker is more silly than spooky, Foop is a baby who needs naps and playtime, and Kevin ping-pongs between self-deprecation and giddy overconfidence.

Anti-Cosmo does come across as a bad boy sometimes. I'll be very surprised if we don't see Anti-Cosmo's return since he's a popular character and I think people are into his British bad boy vibe, but like...

Since it's my speculation post, I just really need to say that if they change his personality so he's now super charming and sassy with no signs of the temper, dorkiness, or cowardice that's always lurked in him, I'll be sad... because I like my tantrum-throwing baby who shakes his wife up and down when he's stressed. And this man was not the sharpest tack when it came to sass, sdfklj.

I totally suspect New Wish will reboot him as a total sexy, suave villain because honestly, that's probably the way he's remembered. Which is okay, but if he does return, I will miss my silly comics-loving geek who can't stand up to a newborn, writes notes with brightly colored pens he changes every sentence, and jumps on tables during fancy dinners. He's so goofy. I hate him (/affectionate).

-> And if we bring back Anti-Fairies, but throw the Pixies aside because "Eh, they're boring," it will be a crying shame. I will accept it, but you will find me standing with a confused look on my face as I swing my hands to gesture between Anti-Cosmo and H.P.

-> There's nothing wrong with bringing back A.C. and not H.P.! The Anti-Fairies are beloved and stick in people's memories well, I'm sure. But also, H.P. is my favorite in the whole series. He's incredibly sassy, manipulative, meticulous, and hilarious.

Where else can I find an old man who drops the line "The only thing you'll be eating is my dust!" before jumping on a scooter and blasting off with a shout of "Later, dude!" Or the old man who gets distracted because he'd rather be at a rave. Or elbows Timmy in the side with a smug smile and asks if his pizza tasted better than "Jorgen's slice of pure rabbit droppings."

This is the man who danced and sang "Go me, go me, it's my birthday." It's heavily implied the main reason he's a villain is because he's too obsessive compulsive to watch the world fall apart around him. That's hilarious. He literally took over the world and the first thing he did was go home and get drunk. He's a fantastic character and I should say it.

-> I'm not gonna be mad if we get an Anti-Cosmo reboot and kick the Pixies into the sun. I'll just be /pensive emoji about it. Also, I rambled about this mainly because I've gained a surprising amount of new followers recently, and if you're new here... I just think you deserve a warning about what you're getting into with my blog. I love him so much.

In conclusion... IF we get the Pixies and H.P.'s been reduced to a dull and boring stereotype who lost his snark and love for parties, I'll be devastated and I'd rather have them not show up :')

... Also if H.P. is dead and Sanderson is now in charge because it's "the future," my head will be in my hands. If that happens, you can unfollow me right then because it's all I'll talk about /lh. I want my super sassy bossman, please and thank you.

I would miss the old H.P., but I would also be grateful for any Pixie scraps I'm given because they're my favorites. I cannot believe we got a Flappy Bob cameo in New Wish. Definitely not on my bingo board.

Well... There we go! My thoughts so far. I'm looking forward to seeing where the show goes, and I hope we get to see more of the things I want. These are very early thoughts!

Again, please don't spoil anything since I'm only up to "Trial or Hair-or," and please no grumpiness in my replies or inbox.

These are personal liveblog opinions from a long-time fan who's been avoiding spoilers since New Wish was hinted over a year ago. My opinions may change later if the show goes a new direction. I AM enjoying the show, but I also wanted to share what I like about the OG and what I'd like to see in New Wish's future.

Thanks!

[sweaterkittensahoy]

thinking about the sports medicine doc I saw several months ago because I fucked up a tendon last year and went to get evaluated for a cortisone shot and/or PT.

Due to white-knuckling my way through severe endometriosis for several years before getting help, and then white-knuckling through two more years of active treatment because I wanted to be SURE I REALLY NEEDED to just take out everything (that I wasn't using in the first place, not wanting children), my relationship with pain is a fucking mess. Like, I could feel it HURT when my back tweaked, and that was obviously an issue. But also, I have no idea what amount of pain is average.

So, anyway, first time meeting this sports medicine guy. Sent that way by my primary care doc who has always been fantastic. But the sports medicine doc wasn't HER, so I was worried I wouldn't be taken seriously because it wasn't until I was 29 that doctors actually started listening to me about my pain.

Doctor comes in. Asks what's up. I explain how the injury happened and when it hurts. And then I took a deep breath and said the scariest thing, "The thing is, I can't actually tell you how bad it is because I have a really unclear idea of how much pain I have because I spent several years in near-constant to constant pain with severe endometriosis, so I disconnect from my pain a lot."

And this doctor goes, "Oh, okay. Good to know. I've worked with a lot of endo patients. Let me check a couple of things."

And one of the things he tried was to put his thumb right on the lower back tendon that was flared up in anger at the overall issue and PUSHED. And I made some sort of noise, and he went, "Okay, so that tendon is super angry at you. You definitely need PT to get things healed up. Do you want the cortisone shot today? If not, I'm going to tell you to ice it and take painkillers and just be careful, but that can be easier with the shot on board."

And a part of me went, "No, of course not! Why would I need that???" But what came out of my mouth was "Yes, I would like the shot."

And I was very fucking proud of myself because, my god, the RELIEF. Did it long-term fix the issue? No. That was what the PT was for. Did it PROVIDE relief? YES. Holy shit. The level of BETTER I felt was amazing.

I don't know if I have an overall point of this post except to remind you that your pain is valid. Your pain is worth lessening. Just because you've suffered with no help before doesn't mean you have to do it again. Get the cortisone shot. Get the fat ibie prescriptions (just refilled mine). Do the PT and don't push yourself to the point of pain just because the therapist is watching (still working on that one).

[casteliacityramen]

Maybe Rio wasn't wrong to say that? She had a bit truth in there didn't she? But certainly this Ramen shop isn't a bad idea. You do owe it to him, don't you?

She definitely wasn't wrong to say it. Any of it. It's more the way she said it that felt especially awful. Especially since she used my own words against me like that. She knows it's the best way to cut me to my core.

I can see why she thinks that I'm trying to make up for my mistakes this way. I would be lying if I said that a part of me isn't trying to. How could I avoid trying, when it still hurts to be faced with a living reminder of someone I lost?

Sometimes I look at Jack and Ayumi and find myself trying to find Ingram in them. Even if they are none-the-wiser, even if they have no desire to connect with their history... I still find myself trying to give them the best food they can afford in some... pathetic gesture of recompense. If we're using Rio's words, that is.

Despite how potentially unhealthy it may be, this is my way of moving forward. I still think this place is worth it.

The moment my lifespan became indefinite, the words "eventually" become meaningless. It wasn't until five years ago, when I was banned from any shepherding duties, did I start to really think about what I've done. We've kept ourselves so busy we never made ourselves the time to process any of it.

I know that I find this stand to be a place of shelter and rest while I still continue to work through my feelings. Even if Tai had no idea who I truly was, he saw how much I needed this and gifted me this stand to me before he passed. But... now I worry that this place might become a reminder of the mistakes we made.

It's still worth trying. I do owe it to him. But most importantly, I owe it to her. I have a feeling she'll come back. I'm just scared of what might happen afterwards.

[ 01 / 10 ]

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[shock]

This one is definitely my favorite so far in my collage solar system, so I wanted to post it. Hopefully I'll get some nice scans once all the pieces are done, but here's a spotlight on Neptune Side 1, "MEMORY".

The photos on the left are all pictures I took as a kid with film my gammaw got me before she died, and most of them are from the same day we took a walk together. The photos on the right all include her except for one. I can't remember HOW I managed to get ahold of the time they hired a stripper for her birthday, but I've always found that set of photos to be really evocative and I feel like I found the perfect use for them! 🤣

The text reads:

One fine day in 2006, a wild deer wandered into a Target store. When animals are traumatized, we make careful, logical calculations. Which is what the deer did.

After falling down the stairs, skidded around for a half hour, like when Odysseus opened a bag of captive winds, would surrender for a second, then dash from one event to the next. Until out of sheer frustration, I threw a bucket. But it made the deer race right through the window.

"F---ed up beyond all recognition."

If I had known what that maneuver would cost, I would probably have let the deer go.

A couple of days before she died, she took me to the ocean.

My log adds, I had some nice things to eat. I have never seen a being, human or animal, always so full of joy. Talking to her filled me with the power of the sun.

I wanted to hug her, but I didn't. I literally forgot to put my arms around her. We talked again that night on a ship-to-ship radio frequency. You weren't supposed to talk long on that because others might need it.

The next day, she died. I went into the woods, trying to clear my head. I could hear the deer breathing in the darkness. It was weird.

The day after she died, I called and cried. I don't like to yell or scream, but a bad storm brings something out of me. Not until I knew there's be no response did I realize how much pleasure I had taken in calling her. I bellowed up at the approaching storm: All right, you have the power of life and death! Love's no good! I know it! I had so many meetings with different people, I forgot! I'm sorry! So deafen me with your thunder! Go on, then! Scorch up my brains! I defy you! I'll defy you to my last breath!

Who was I defying? God? The deer? The storm? It didn't do any good to make noises of my own.

Sleeping helps. In dreams, I reach out my hand and grab the disease with my fist, drive that f---ed cancer back across an entire wavelength, refuse to contemplate the distant future, have a great talk with her held safely inside my arms.

I think It's worst than a nightmare. It's slow torture, it will drive you crazy, cunningly spooled and folded scenarios spin out in your mind.

Two years ago, I watched tapes of her that only reminded me of how I wanted to hear live people. It took me years to learn how to use them.

It is always interesting to see how situations change and people move from one to the other. Then you walk around a rock, and there it is: names and drawings, graffiti, all of one trade— MEMORIES carved in the rock:

Her life was a gift to me. She'd given me a greater one.

She sounded good.

I got the message. Follow the noise.

Retrace my route between the images of a continuous narrative. I went to the spot where she took her last breath. By then I could hear the deer running through the brush. I called again. This time, with a smile.

It worked. I made contact again.

Of course I knew this time she couldn't come, so my approach changed:

All right, REFLECTIONS can't support life.

That's okay. Keep moving.

GO AHEAD AND FREAK OUT.

Keeping busy helps, too— She lived every moment as though it were her last. It was wonderful.

I love her very much.

Do you want to know a secret?

I transformed into something grown for the pure happiness it brings me.

I feel really good now.

My attention most days is on the here and now.

It's the only real escape there is.